The New Yorker Cartoon Caption Contest Dataset

Thanks for your interest in this dataset. The data may not be used for commercial purposes. If you do use it for academic research, we would appreciate you referencing the dataset as follows:

Jain, L., Jamieson, K., Mankoff, R., Nowak, R., Sievert, S., (2020). The New Yorker Cartoon Caption Contest Dataset. https://nextml.github.io/caption-contest-data/

These data were gathered as part of the The New Yorker (TNY) cartoon caption contest. The crowdsourced ratings inform the final judging of the captions, but the official winner is decided by the TNY editorial staff.

The most recent contest (not shown) is likely receiving votes at https://www.newyorker.com/cartoons/vote.

More insight into this dataset is at https://nextml.github.io/caption-contest-data-api/examples.html , which answers the following questions:

Contests

Contest Dashboard Cartoon Top Rated caption The New Yorker's winner Finalists Announced (date of issue) Number of votes
827 Dashboard “I’m from the future. Vote carefully.” “I gave you the wheel and this is what you did with it?” November 28, 2022 807,973
826 Dashboard “I love it when they wake up and ask what year this is.” “The patient has requested ‘Stayin’ Alive.'” November 21, 2022 745,717
825 Dashboard “Just remember, you can be empty headed and orange and still succeed in America.” “Thanks for carving out a little face time.” November 14, 2022 808,863
824 Dashboard “Looks like I caught you at the tail end of your meal.” “Your stomach is growling.” November 7, 2022 811,988
823 Dashboard “Be grateful you're not in business class. They have a mime.” “Think of a delay between one and ten hours.” October 31, 2022 397,422
822 Dashboard “…but the third planet was juuuuust right!” “Goodnight, trees, goodnight, dirt. Goodnight, human race on the earth.” October 24, 2022 687,072
821 Dashboard “You shoulda heard the mocking birds this morning.” “You shoulda heard the mockingbirds this morning.” October 17, 2022 736,497
820 Dashboard “You've got it upside down.” “It leaves me feeling empty.” October 10, 2022 566,410
819 Dashboard “My wife said, "Try them on, it won't kill you. "” "I only knew about the moral code." October 3, 2022 804,325
818 Dashboard “You told me to come back when I got my act together!” “Your downstairs neighbors sent us.” September 26, 2022 776,315
817 Dashboard “They tell you to reach for these, but never what to do you if actually catch one.” “You just don’t see stars like this in the city.” September 19, 2022 564,661
816 Dashboard “My ex-wife got most of the house.” “Do you mind if I bounce something off you?” September 12, 2022 845,170
815 Dashboard “This place is known for serving local produce.” “Elbows on the table. Another reason I don’t like broccoli.” September 5, 2022 534,542
814 Dashboard “It has unlimited, data, unlimited minutes, with one string attached.” “I haven’t heard from you since we were kids!” August 29, 2022 565,167
813 Dashboard “Sign the treaty, I’m out of quarters.” “I will give you no quarter.” August 22, 2022 711,653
812 Dashboard “Pleasing people is all I know, but you wouldn't understand.” “You wouldn’t understand. I need people to like me.” August 15, 2022 700,760
811 Dashboard “I told the aquarium we''ll be working remotely from now on.” “A few more years, and all this will be ours.” August 8, 2022 635,882
810 Dashboard “Once you press your floor number, he'll never forget.” “Actually, everybody wants to talk about it.” August 1, 2022 787,880
809 Dashboard “Once the kids move out it'll get easier” “Why don’t you ever leave the house?” July 25, 2022 665,583
808 Dashboard “Yeah, Florida was just getting too weird for us.” “We thought we’d try a flying object they could identify.” July 11 & 18, 2022 892,788
807 Dashboard “We use the males as a control group - they never ask for directions.” “The hardest part was teaching him to use the hedge trimmers.” July 4, 2022 581,998
806 Dashboard “The castle looked bigger on Zillow.” “Don’t you hate it when sand gets in your suit?” June 27, 2022 702,174
805 Dashboard “When we were dating he climbed a skyscraper for me—now I can’t even get him to take out the garbage.” “I think he's been seeing the woman upstairs.” June 20, 2022 734,195
804 Dashboard “You're home early.” “You really want to add a kid to all this?” June 13, 2022 656,353
803 Dashboard “It’s like new. The previous owner preferred the box it came in.” “O.K., I’ll grab some crayons and get started on the paperwork.” June 6, 2022 810,305
802 Dashboard “It was so much easier when everyone was still working from home.” “We usually don’t deliver above Eighty-second Street.” May 30, 2022 724,844
801 Dashboard “What do you mean I don’t have time for another game?” “I thought you’d be better at the endgame.” May 23, 2022 562,261
800 Dashboard “We're hoping to see more of him as the season goes on!” “Now they’ll never know who’s on first.” May 16, 2022 760,341
799 Dashboard “..... and that's when she said, 'It's me or the cat.” “I thought you’d like to try it, instead of just knocking it off the counter.” May 9, 2022 1,081,898
798 Dashboard “Sure, call Roadside Assistance. The more, the merrier.” “Don’t worry, you'll be running in no time.” April 25 & May 2 698,173
797 Dashboard “Is this a Middle Age crisis?” “We can all hear you snoring in there, Steve.” April 18, 2022 757,281
796 Dashboard “Turns out they only check to see if you return the shoes.” “Turns out they only check to see if you return the shoes.” April 11, 2022 660,223
795 Dashboard “His last words were "I hope this goes straight to her hips."” “From the gentleman at the bar.” April 4, 2022 738,467
794 Dashboard “I told you no lawyer on earth would take our case.” “Oh, no! They’re returning him.” March 28, 2022 683,122
793 Dashboard “Teach a bear to shop and he will never have to fish again.” “No bag. Just toss it in the air. ” March 21, 2022 710,753
792 Dashboard “It seems someone else wrote a song called "HELP"” “So far, it looks like no one is coming to the recital.” March 14, 2022 782,090
791 Dashboard “I’m pretty sure I wasn’t their first choice.” “It’s got an indoor tree.” March 7, 2022 910,349
790 Dashboard “You take a left at these lights. Go the the next junction. Spin around 10 times. Hit the wall. Then reverse back about 10 feet and it should be on your left.” “The dealer said it scored high in crash tests.” February 28, 2022 848,102
789 Dashboard “Do you have to come in here every time I turn on the light?” “Do you have to come in here every time I turn on the light?” February 14 & 21, 2022 447,322
788 Dashboard “You should have done that before you put it on.” "Ideal for parties with no atmosphere." February 7, 2022 815,462
787 Dashboard “Of course I’m living in the past. Have you seen the present?!” “These should help me approach your father on his own level.” January 31, 2022 683,875
786 Dashboard “This is the homework your son alleges my client ate.” “My client is prepared to walk.” January 24, 2022 1,076,445
785 Dashboard “Come out with your hands up, wrists straight, fingers gently curved!” “Looks like somebody needs to be taught a lesson.” January 17, 2022 425,704
784 Dashboard “George quickly realized he ordered from the wrong Amazon.” “Mind if I read over your shoulder? I have trouble turning pages.” January 3 & 10, 2022 1,225,039
783 Dashboard “What makes you think he just wants you as something on the side ?” “And how did being left on the plate make you feel?” December 20, 2021 771,572
782 Dashboard “I really don't need two more men in my life who never talk.” “Just pretend to give them your wallet.” December 13, 2021 682,543
781 Dashboard “Where do you see yourself in five seconds?” “I so rarely meet a person of your calibre.” December 6, 2021 784,246
780 Dashboard “Sink or swim is nothing. Be glad you weren't here when the corporate culture was dog eat dog.” “Apparently, I was mistaken. He’s not in over his head.” November 29, 2021 783,928
779 Dashboard “I don't ask you how you squeezed into that sweater.” “Technically, the fish is still in the bowl.” November 22, 2021 701,175
778 Dashboard “It’s the closest Texas would let us get to sex ed.” "Don't sell him short. He did solve that crossing-the-road thing." November 15, 2021 743,889
777 Dashboard “Amazon accidentally sent two.” “It works fine—we’re just no longer a nuclear family.” November 8, 2021 795,026
776 Dashboard “He hasn't proposed yet, but he did give me a written estimate.” “Most people only have roadside assistance.” November 1, 2021 695,826
775 Dashboard “Can’t believe we’re opening for Genesis.” “Can’t believe we’re opening for Genesis.” October 25, 2021 837,648
774 Dashboard “O, hi Carol. I didn't expect it would be an ex that marked the spot.” “By any chance, are you sitting on a large X?” October 18, 2021 793,193
773 Dashboard “„.dnos ǝɥʇ ɹǝpɹo ʇ’uoᗡ„” “We should’ve ordered our drinks straight up.” October 11, 2021 664,281
772 Dashboard “This isn't what I meant when I said to go towards the light.” “This isn’t what I meant when I said to go toward the light.” October 4, 2021 696,835
771 Dashboard “Three more dollars and we can order a pizza.” “Don’t worry about it—I wasn't going to say yes anyway.” September 27, 2021 616,562
770 Dashboard “I guess "trail lawyer" wasn't a typo after all.” “I guess I misunderstood when you said your legal problems were behind you.” September 20, 2021 531,879
769 Dashboard “Trying to make it feel more like Amazon. I mean, the Amazon.” "His favorite book is 'A Farewell to Arms,' so don't get too close." September 13, 2021 921,031
768 Dashboard “Don't tell me you ordered from White Castle again.” "Winner gets the knight." September 6, 2021 779,519
767 Dashboard “You seem really nice - most of the guys I date are clowns.” “Now, if you'll just yank away the tablecloth.” August 30, 2021 768,653
766 Dashboard “Well played, Fran. The tuba will be gone by morning.” “I sent my wife up an hour ago about the noise. Have you seen her?” August 23, 2021 731,238
765 Dashboard “It was then that Marcus realized that his message in a bottle requesting beer and ice may have contained a single yet crucial typo.” “I know how you feel. This used to be Florida.” August 16, 2021 763,962
764 Dashboard “If you're from Uber Eats, just sprinkle it in.” “I hope you’ve come to change the water.” August 9, 2021 665,368
763 Dashboard “You can use the loaner corn dog while you wait. Can you drive a stick?” “So, when did the ‘check mustard’ light come on?” August 2, 2021 889,556
762 Dashboard “First, let me bring you up to speed.” “We’re really looking for someone with more lab experience.” July 26, 2021 901,611
761 Dashboard “He's the only one who can legally hand out refreshments to voters in Georgia.” “He says making lemonade is not an option.” July 12 & 19, 2021 926,127
760 Dashboard “You probably meant compote.” “It’s curb to table.” July 5, 2021 807,956
759 Dashboard “They call it kitsch-and-release.” “They call it kitsch and release.” June 28, 2021 779,033
758 Dashboard “Honey can you close the door? I’m in a meeting.” “Honey, can you close the door? I’m in a meeting.” June 21, 2021 566,563
757 Dashboard “I thought partly cloudy with a chance of rage was a typo” “Don’t worry, it’s just a front.” June 14, 2021 742,808
756 Dashboard “And just when I finally got comfortable in my own skin, she repainted the bedroom.” “So, you’re saying you didn’t miss your last two appointments?” June 7, 2021 774,284
755 Dashboard “'Yes Robert I bought a chair. I was sick of my options being between a rock and a hard place.'” “If you’re so civilized, why don’t you use a coaster?” May 31, 2021 827,963
754 Dashboard “Whoa, the new recruit went down the laundry chute.” “Since when did the pizza delivery guy get his own pole?” May 24, 2021 723,023
753 Dashboard “Oh I'm sorry, maybe I'd move faster if SOMEONE didn't bite my leg off.” “Oh, hey, I almost didn’t recognize you outside of work.” May 17, 2021 1,116,808
752 Dashboard “Don't give them anything. It only encourages sequels.” “The classics can be so intimidating.” May 10, 2021 1,141,292
751 Dashboard “If you see a fork in the road, avoid it.” “I want one that snows.” April 26 & May 3, 2021 789,736
750 Dashboard “It’s good to be back in the field. It just wasn’t the same working from home.” “Every night, when I try to sleep, I can’t stop thinking about work.” April 19, 2021 797,912
748 Dashboard “I would prefer to go out the way we came in.” “Not the return to inside dining I was expecting.” April 5, 2021 895,729
747 Dashboard “Just be glad he's not wearing his kilt today.” “I’m always afraid he will drop in unexpectedly.” March 29, 2021 874,526
746 Dashboard “I forgot what I came upstairs for.” “So that’s where all the furniture went.” March 22, 2021 1,124,620
745 Dashboard “We probably should have done something about this last year when it was still three blocks away.” “I told you we should have salted the roads.” March 15, 2021 997,609
744 Dashboard “Your going as a satellite dish? I'm going as a pilgrim.” “I could never pull that off.” March 8, 2021 1,110,562
743 Dashboard “I’ve changed my mind. I love it.” “Still not level.” March 1, 2021 1,140,034
742 Dashboard “Sir, this is the Met. The Mets are down the street.” “That’s a rare medium. Well done.” February 15 & 22, 2021 669,427
741 Dashboard “Don’t be fooled. He has a dark side.” “I think it’s just a phase.” February 8, 2021 676,978
740 Dashboard “I hope she doesn't say "charge"” “You were right—putting him on commission changed his attitude.” February 1, 2021 1,017,304
739 Dashboard “Of course we wanted a son. But we also wanted unconditional love.” “Once tax season is over, you can go back to being the only child.” January 25, 2020 949,488
738 Dashboard “Just to mess with him put them back on the tree.” “Can’t wait to see the look on his face when we put these back on the tree.” January 18, 2021 939,429
737 Dashboard “I thought you said the cloud was secure.” “I thought you said the cloud was secure.” January 4 & 11, 2021 843,580
736 Dashboard “You can advocate for wind power all you want, Randy, but you’re not going to escape your fossil fuel destiny.” “Your meal came with a toy?” December 21, 2020 869,589
735 Dashboard “It always ends in tiers......” “I can keep it together during the ceremony. The reception is where I fall to pieces.” December 14, 2020 673,778
734 Dashboard “This your last chance to come clean.” “Stop fighting it, kid—everyone eventually sings in the shower.” December 7, 2020 840,412
733 Dashboard “It seems you promised them herd immunity, Sir.” "It seems you promised them herd immunity, sir." November 30, 2020 1,169,444
732 Dashboard “It's true, your honor. I slept with the witness.” “Where were you between the hours of beddy-bye and nighty-night?” November 23, 2020 945,258
731 Dashboard “With all due respect, Helen, you’re gonna find crappy men in China, too” “During next week’s session, we’ll have you paint yourself into a corner.” November 16, 2020 669,413
730 Dashboard “I'm the only one commenting on your name, Dr. Katz?” “And, when you get hungry, the cafeteria is to your right, left, left, right, left, straight, right, straight, left, and then you push on the big lever.” November 9, 2020 55,362
729 Dashboard “We can’t be overthrown, but we can be swayed.” “We can’t be overthrown, but we can be swayed.” November 2, 2020 902,767
728 Dashboard “Okay, okay. Fine, I'll fill out the census.” “Thank you for agreeing to meet remotely.” October 26, 2020 925,799
727 Dashboard “It's the closest you'll get to Manhattan in your price range.” “It’s the closest you’ll get to Manhattan in your price range.” October 19, 2020 921,025
726 Dashboard “Once they choose their queen, honey, it’s really hard to change their minds.” “To be fair, Martha, you did just kill one of their kids.” October 12, 2020 978,388
725 Dashboard “Wait, dad! Your glasses!” “I’m just saying, after this haircut, it’s difficult to trust you.” October 5, 2020 1,039,526
724 Dashboard “"MEET ??". I heard "EAT".” “To Archaeopteryx, spelled just like it sounds.” September 28, 2020 999,215
723 Dashboard “Less woofer?” “We should be able to finish the album today, as long as no one rings the doorbell.” September 21, 2020 1,325,805
722 Dashboard “This is the only house I could find under a grand.” “The piano's in tune, but the house is a little flat.” September 14, 2020 1,490,136
721 Dashboard “I can still vote by mail,you know.” “I’m starting to regret that haircut.” September 7, 2020 818,486
720 Dashboard “I changed my mind. It would look better on the other side.” “Do you struggle endlessly through here often?” August 31, 2020 1,123,201
719 Dashboard “Ignore the ‘Whites Only’ sign.” “Between you and me, the owner can’t unload this fast enough.” August 24, 2020 1,020,554
718 Dashboard “I don't think 'dressage' means what you think it means.” “I don’t need your approval. I just need you to tie the laces.” August 17, 2020 1,929,624
717 Dashboard “Well, at least up here we only have to feed it.” “I know it’s not an elephant, but we still need to talk about it.” August 3, 2020 1,035,579
716 Dashboard “Could we have outstayed our welcome?” “He could have just written his name on his yogurt.” July 27, 2020 261,717
715 Dashboard “The recipe said 'One egg, beaten.' I was lucky to get out alive.” “And then I find out all the king’s horses and all the king’s men are out-of-network.” July 20, 2020 2,012,461
714 Dashboard “At that moment Willow was consumed with three thoughts: she couldn't swim,they were on their third drink,and she was on her ninth life.” “You’re right. It is easier with the ball.” July 6 & 13, 2020 870,375
713 Dashboard “...there's yer problem! ya gotta short circus!” “I found something serious under the hood.” June 29, 2020 1,059,045
712 Dashboard “So...we had a bad 1st quarter. It’s not the end of the world.” “Tell me about a time you identified a problem that others didn’t see coming.” June 22, 2020 1,489,228
711 Dashboard “Yes, it's a home game. Of course it's a home game. Everything's a fricking home game.” “All his pitches have been inside.” June 8 & 15, 2020 1,053,338
710 Dashboard “Remember when he was just a humming bird?” “I can usually identify a bird by the song, but I think he’s doing a cover.” June 1, 2020 1,550,011
709 Dashboard “You might want to try the stairs. This one only goes down and takes an eternity.” “Try the stairs. This takes an eternity.” May 25, 2020 1,458,079
708 Dashboard “A better question is, why aren't YOU wearing a mask?” “Fine—next time you slay the dragon and I'll cook.” May 18, 2020 1,452,344
707 Dashboard “This was easier to carry when it was flat.” “Next week, I'll move Heaven for you.” May 11, 2020 1,376,223
706 Dashboard “Well,I know what Duke Ellington would do.” “Of course—we wait forever, then two come at the same time.” May 4, 2020 1,079,547
705 Dashboard “Tall salted caramel macchiato with low-fat organic almond milk, no sugar… It’s him alright.” “Decaf. They can’t be far away.” April 27, 2020 1,246,918
704 Dashboard “Forget everything you've ever thought about elevator music.” “No, you come in on four.” April 20, 2020 1,076,611
703 Dashboard “We have them between all tables, it encourages social distancing.” “Past the alligator, through the ring of fire, first door on your left.” April 13, 2020 973,712
702 Dashboard “You asked if I wanted product in my hair...and I said a smidgeon...a smidgeon, Ralph.” “Could you trim the sides but leave it feathered on top?” April 6, 2020 883,343
701 Dashboard “I just want to make sure 'mousse' isn't a typo.” “I know I don’t look familiar, but, believe me, I eat here all the time.” March 30, 2020 1,083,114
700 Dashboard “Looks like you're already familiar with the side effects.” “Looks like you’re already familiar with the side effects.” March 23, 2020 939,103
699 Dashboard “Two of you have underlying issues.” “And how do you feel about how she feels about how he feels?” March 16, 2020 1,192,068
698 Dashboard “Harry, the whole point of leaving England was to blend in.” “Harry, the whole point of leaving England was to blend in.” March 9, 2020 987,093
697 Dashboard “This is a lot more effective on the elevated tracks.” “No one crosses the Pirates of Penn Station.” March 2, 2020 1,289,041
696 Dashboard “Best farm-to-table in town.” “If there’s a ring in here, Hank, I swear to God . . .” February 17 & 24,2020 1,331,920
695 Dashboard “We have one slot left.” “You’re in luck. A slot for you just opened up in our kitchen.” February 10, 2020 75,949
694 Dashboard “I didn't say I would help. I said I'd accompany you.” “I didn’t say I would help. I said I’d accompany you.” February 3, 2020 798,499
693 Dashboard “Should I check, “exceeded expectations?”” “Let’s just give him the damn cheese.” January 27, 2020 912,523
692 Dashboard “First day on Wall Street, sir?” “I'll take this and the granny dress.” January 20, 2020 827,817
691 Dashboard “See? Now they ALL want scarves.” “Great, now they all want a scarf.” January 13, 2020 997,887
690 Dashboard “3 ..2.. 1..” "Please watch your small step." January 6, 2019 37,165
689 Dashboard “He’s lucky I didn’t rear end him.” “Yes, but just a couple of meads, probably more than an hour ago.” December 23, 2019 813,517
688 Dashboard “It prints out his tweets. All the new uniforms have them.” “I was stationed at CVS during the war on drugs.” December 16, 2019 795,757
687 Dashboard “You think this is awkward? Try living a few floors down.” “How much did you spend at Macy’s this year?” December 9, 2019 760,044
686 Dashboard “Oh sure, when a MAN does it, suddenly it’s such a big deal!” “I don’t know how to tell him it’s not his.” December 02, 2019 1,070,506
685 Dashboard “Stay calm. I think it just wants to be squeezed.” “Oh, no. I have its little one in my backpack.” November 25, 2019 904,446
684 Dashboard “Publicly, we're still saying there are no side effects.” “Publicly, we’re still saying there are no side effects.” November 18, 2019 1,094,055
683 Dashboard “They must have made a fortune from the wheel.” “I guarantee he brings up the whole discovering-fire thing within the first five minutes.” November 11, 2019 833,200
682 Dashboard “I don't mind autumn so much; it's the fall I hate.” “It’s not you. It’s November.” November 4, 2019 1,124,181
681 Dashboard “Mobster, Larry. The invitation said to dress like a mobster.” “You pinch me one more time and you’re going to find yourself in hot water.” October 28, 2019 1,117,477
680 Dashboard “Is the salmon fresh?” “Well, don't put it on the menu if you can't catch one.” 10/21/2019 939,369
679 Dashboard “Supplicants, sir. You want to surround yourself with supplicants.” “Well, after you beheaded the groundskeeper, we had to go with something low-maintenance.” October 14, 2019 725,498
678 Dashboard “My left or your left?” “I always knew we'd wind up together.” October 7, 2019 709,050
677 Dashboard “The leftover salmon. Into my dish. You will remember nothing.” “The ahi. Not the canned.” September 30, 2019 692,234
676 Dashboard “You know we could've had eggs for life, right?” “I don't tell you how to gather.” September 23, 2019 913,555
675 Dashboard “Honey, be nice... he's under a lot more pressure.” “You two seem oddly suited.” September 16, 2019 655,786
674 Dashboard “Let's let him keep your ball.” “Let's let him keep your ball.” September 9, 2019 1,150,449
673 Dashboard “My conditioner said it would give me extra body, but I didn't expect it to be yours.” “For God's sake, Dave, you're thirty-five—just use the stairs.” September 2, 2019 601,565
672 Dashboard “I take this myself. There is one side effect I should mention.” “Don't worry. I wouldn't prescribe anything I haven't tested on myself.” August 26, 2019 783,674
671 Dashboard “Someone came to school with humans. Now we’ve all got them.” “It didn’t really bother me until they discovered fire.” August 19, 2019 1,352,586
670 Dashboard “Armstrong? No, though I do get mistaken for Lance a lot.” “It started as a crusade. Now it's just a commute.” August 5 & 12, 2019 640,930
669 Dashboard “He went right from crawling to stand-up!” “I love his bedtime routine.” July 29, 2019 703,078
668 Dashboard “I’m sorry. I’ve been burned too many times.” “I’m sorry. I’ve been burned too many times.” July 22, 2019 796,524
667 Dashboard “Maybe we should try thinking inside the box.” “Let's just go with the open floor plan.” July 8, 2019 1,117,451
666 Dashboard “You should see the couch they have at the urologist's office.” “Shouldn’t you be sitting in an ear?” July 1, 2019 677,561
665 Dashboard “Lunch is on me.” “How about some help carrying the groceries?” June 24, 2019 1,501,739
664 Dashboard “I just made a guy disappear for twenty years. Can you do that?” "When was the last time you saw either half of her?” June 10, 2019 612,158
663 Dashboard “Next time, when they ask you if you want any toppings, you’d better be more specific than 'Yeah, a couple.'” “Well, you're not what we ordered, either.” June 3, 2019 740,813
662 Dashboard “Did you see the rock he gave her.” “It’s about time they settled down and razed a village.” May 27, 2019 938,191
661 Dashboard “I am pleased to announce that Dopey will be leaving us to pursue a career as White House Chief of Staff.” “Workplace morale hasn't been this high since we introduced whistling.” May 20, 2019 896,509
660 Dashboard “I’m afraid we’ve found a problem with the Crown Jewels.” “Worse than a cold. It's a common cold.” May 13, 2019 1,109,788
659 Dashboard “We had a good run, Ted, but I simply don’t have the counter space.” “Are you here about the sublet?” May 6, 2019 1,028,025
658 Dashboard “Do you want to go for L-U-N-C-H and maybe a W-A-L-K?” “We had a good run, Ted, but I simply don’t have the counter space.” April 29, 2019 993,479
657 Dashboard “Fortunately, our time is up.” “Want to go for a w-a-l-k?” April 22, 2019 1,528,352
656 Dashboard “How do you respond to allegations that you're bipolar?” “He gets so dramatic when I lower the thermostat.” April 15, 2019 769,984
655 Dashboard “How do you respond to allegations that you're bipolar?” “Who is ‘coming around the mountain,’ John? Could it be your mother?” April 8, 2019 758,127
654 Dashboard “Cancel the molten lava cake.” “I guarantee in twelve hours we'll see a completely different side of my opponent.” April 1, 2019 1,286,972
653 Dashboard “Meet Trump's nominee for the Centers for Disease Control.” “Before you go, describe the iceberg salad.” March 25, 2019 1,034,443
652 Dashboard “I wish we'd noticed that before eating Bob.” “Tell them what happened in the lab, Harry.” March 18, 2019 1,454,910
651 Dashboard “No need to panic: a reptile dysfunction is common for men of your age.” “I wish we’d seen that before we ate Dave.” March 11, 2019 2,249,813
650 Dashboard “I wish you’d come in when it was just a chip on your shoulder.” “Any tightness or difficulty breathing?” March 4, 2019 1,040,362
649 Dashboard “I said, 'Not in my backyard,' and they said, 'Ok, have it your way."” “We'll pick this up next week.” February 18 & 25 1,197,306
648 Dashboard “This is the exact moment Susan realized she may be an accomplice and not a magician's assistant...” “It all started when we adopted a highway.” February 11, 2019 708,793
647 Dashboard “Like it would have killed you to ask him for directions.” “Watch as I transform this ordinary magician's assistant into an accomplice to a federal crime.” February 4, 2019 1,690,546
646 Dashboard “Like it would have killed you to ask him for directions.” “I choose to remember Aspen as it was.” January 28, 2019 1,626,322
645 Dashboard “If we time it right, I can get you in this house today.” “Don’t bring a camera, you said. Just enjoy the experience, you said.” January 21, 2019 982,979
644 Dashboard “My next selection sounds just like the last one.” “If we time it right, I can get you in this house today.” January 14, 2019 1,629,394
643 Dashboard “My next selection sounds just like the last one.” “And now—I've got an old score to settle.” January 7, 2019 1,185,450
642 Dashboard “Linda suddenly realized she had entered the hallucinatory phase of her low-carb diet.” “Vinnie would appreciate it if you reconsidered that Yelp rating.” December 24 & 31, 2018 881,547
641 Dashboard “I'm not sure how many there are. Every time I start counting I fall asleep.” “I don't know how many there are. I'm trying to stay awake.” December 17, 2018 1,400,950
640 Dashboard “Still got that new cat smell.” “Listen to this baby purr.” December 10, 2018 1,631,425
639 Dashboard “Earl of Cowlick. And you are?” “It is I, Manbunzel.” November 26, 2018 1,063,820
638 Dashboard “I wear the pants but my wife controls them.” “You must be the fellow who ordered a friend on Amazon.” November 19, 2018 882,701
637 Dashboard “Every move you make, Every leaf you rake, I'll be watching you.” “I'm here to review the fall collection.” November 12, 2018 824,593
636 Dashboard “Yes, we all had the potato salad. Why?” “I hope you’re on a break, too.” November 5, 2018 1,098,739
635 Dashboard “I don't normally date Middle-Aged men.” “Well, I'm sort of between quests at the moment.” October 29, 2018 1,311,984
634 Dashboard “He offered us a franchise, but I think it’s a pyramid scheme.” “I think it’s safe to assume it contains preservatives.” October 22, 2018 929,951
633 Dashboard “The judge ordered a short recess.” “Sorry, kid, but this is the corporate ladder.” October 15, 2018 844,596
632 Dashboard “I got her to open up, but now she's beside herself.” “Looks like an inside inside inside inside inside job.” October 8, 2018 663,855
631 Dashboard “If I had more dough, I'd be in first class.” “Ideally, you want the dough to rise to about thirty-five thousand feet.” October 1, 2018 1,065,763
630 Dashboard “Gore was right. This is inconvenient.” “Trust me, come low tide everyone will want these seats.” September 24, 2018 1,159,733
629 Dashboard “In retrospect, I should have been more specific when I told the genie I wanted to be in a rock group and have women climbing all over me.” “I wouldn’t. It’s a toupee.” September 17, 2018 865,017
628 Dashboard “I heard today I'm getting canned.” “Yeah? Well, I’m also a fish out of Scotch.” September 10, 2018 1,302,098
627 Dashboard “I recommend the pigeon. It's locally sourced.” “Ignore the screams, sir. I’ll get you a new fork.” September 3, 2018 1,162,999
626 Dashboard “About to land now, call you when I'm on the ground.” “I’m in the air right now—let me call you back after I land.” August 27, 2018 994,702
625 Dashboard “No, sir, this is Fenway. You're looking for Jurassic Park.” “A lot has happened since your last at-bat.” August 20, 2018 1,326,529
624 Dashboard “Of course I am happy to see you! I just need a little time to decompose myself!” “Please, I need time to decompose myself.” August 6 & 13, 2018 712,054
623 Dashboard “You better hope that was rain I just felt."” “Sir, I don't make the laws of gravity, I just enforce them.” July 30, 2018 971,088
622 Dashboard “To go?” “It sends the other rats a message.” July 23, 2018 99,592
621 Dashboard “She’ll appreciate you’re wearing protection.” “It’s off the rack. The guy on the rack doesn’t need it anymore.” July 9th & 16th, 2018 1,210,323
620 Dashboard “It's not the end of the world if he misses.” “Most of them have candy. This one's filled with nuts.” July 2nd, 2018 836,027
619 Dashboard “It was a very hostile takeover.” “At least you didn't get the axe.” June 25th, 2018 867,527
618 Dashboard “Strangely enough, you are the first person to ask about the clock.” “Well, of course they don’t exist. Now.” June 18th, 2018 1,376,577
617 Dashboard “But before we head down... a short fire-safety video...” “He makes us watch this fire-safety video once a year.” June 4th & 11th, 2018 895,011
616 Dashboard “I’ve advised my client not to talk.” “His words, not mine.” May 28th, 2018 663,636
615 Dashboard “I can hear the wife now: "You caught it, you clean it."” "First, I set the mood." May 21st, 2018 798,876
614 Dashboard “No, I said to play with more attitude.” 801,294
613 Dashboard “We are authorized to use farce, if necessary.” 832,844
612 Dashboard “It's a textbook case--depending on which state your textbooks are from.” 912,652
611 Dashboard “Believe me, I’ve tested a lot worse things when I was in pharmaceuticals.” 1,135,917
610 Dashboard “'Bad news. They found the proof in the pudding.'” 1,220,029
609 Dashboard “He really did appoint Chris Christie as Secretary of Transportation.” 1,046,199
608 Dashboard “The hard part was transposing from C major to Fahrenheit.” 957,697
607 Dashboard “My only regret is that he never got around to visiting your mother.” 1,026,981
606 Dashboard “As senior squeegee-man during flight simulations, moving up didn’t pan out.” 46,951
605 Dashboard “Son, your Mom and I want you back in the picture.” 770,768
604 Dashboard “Trust me. One day your portrait will be used as the symbol of a political party even more primitive than we are.” 805,609
603 Dashboard “We used to offer enlightenment. Then we discovered people really preferred brunch.” 1,286,234
602 Dashboard “The operation went well—you’re one tough cookie.” 882,768
601 Dashboard “I thought you said it wouldn't need much attention.” 468,015
600 Dashboard “Mission accomplished. We will report that this planet's inhabitants are friendly and playful.” 757,243
599 Dashboard “I dreamt last night that some day judges might just require a small plastic bracelet” 511,658
598 Dashboard “I'm the fitness guru. The wisdom guru is one mountain over.” 347,381
597 Dashboard “Actually, I did leave my bag unattended for a few minutes. Why?” 818,622
596 Dashboard “C’mon, live a little.” 338,162
595 Dashboard “Surprise, surprise. The new manager is a fat white guy with no pants.” 421,560
594 Dashboard “I remember them from last year. They must be perennials.” 260,848
593 Dashboard “It's not so much what she said as how she said it.” 619,876
592 Dashboard “Do you ever want to wring your own neck?” 1,021,316
591 Dashboard “My methods are Jungian. Sometimes a bar of soap *is* just a bar of soap, you know...” 683,358
590 Dashboard “He did my summer cave in Lascaux, too.” 891,586
589 Dashboard “Can I tell you about a few items that aren't on the menu?” 628,409
588 Dashboard “Siri, how far can a hunchback jump?” 295,566
587 Dashboard “I see myself in so much of his work.” 488,546
586 Dashboard “Of course it looks alien to you. You've never used one.” 2017-10-16 (estimated) 480,072
585 Dashboard “I went ahead and fixed the bagel setting, too. So with parts and labor, that actually comes out to two wishes.” 2017-10-09 (estimated) 356,787
584 Dashboard “Hold on, the Senate Committee on Women's Health is getting out.” 2017-10-01 (estimated) 501,501
583 Dashboard “So much for the suggestion box being anonymous” 2017-09-25 (estimated) 342,411
582 Dashboard “Yes, I see the train but I think we can beat it.” 2017-09-18 (estimated) 196,119
581 Dashboard “Expect a chilly reception at the circumcision symposium.” 2017-09-10 (estimated) 203,573
580 Dashboard “When he starts acting like a king, I'll start acting like a guard.” 2017-09-03 (estimated) 425,835
579 Dashboard “The truth is you came from a box of free kittens.” 2017-08-27 (estimated) 480,412
578 Dashboard “Just for fun, let's send it back.” 2017-08-13 (estimated) 593,761
577 Dashboard “We meant get a job AND move out.” 2017-08-06 (estimated) 389,881
576 Dashboard “Don't blow my cover. I'm in the middle of a sting operation.” 2017-07-30 (estimated) 284,529
575 Dashboard “Let's pick up the pace. They're billing by the hour.” 2017-07-16 (estimated) 593,171
574 Dashboard “I'd better give it a little longer. It's a really tough case.” 2017-07-09 (estimated) 410,803
573 Dashboard “It's the Heineken maneuver.” 2017-07-02 (estimated) 366,782
572 Dashboard “"I'll catch it", was the last I heard.” 2017-06-25 (estimated) 218,335
571 Dashboard “Now let's see 'em walk off with the bathroom key!” 2017-06-11 (estimated) 363,323
570 Dashboard “You shouldn't have opened that can of worms.” 2017-06-05 (estimated) 303,014
569 Dashboard “Three yea's, six ney's, and Anderson is still up in the air on this one.” 2017-05-29 (estimated) 270,136
568 Dashboard “Our timeshare presentation will begin in about 5 minutes.” 2017-05-21 (estimated) 290,737
567 Dashboard “Like you've never taken anything from a hotel room.” 2017-05-14 (estimated) 239,829
566 Dashboard “Well, that explains our relentless hunt for tuna.” 2017-05-07 (estimated) 191,877
565 Dashboard “Wow, you are literally a hot mess.” 2017-05-01 (estimated) 148,779
564 Dashboard “They're willing to work nights.” 2017-04-24 (estimated) 349,268
563 Dashboard “Listen, I've got to run.” 2017-04-17 (estimated) 128,912
562 Dashboard “It could work. We both like worms.” 2017-04-09 (estimated) 176,381
561 Dashboard “And lastly Father, I bit the mailman” 2017-04-02 (estimated) 438,112
560 Dashboard “That's Bob Mankoff. He used to be the cartoon editor of the New Yorker.” 2017-03-26 (estimated) 418,917
559 Dashboard “Poor guy. Thought he signed up for pilates.” 2017-03-19 (estimated) 562,601
558 Dashboard “I pictured it differently when you said you kept my room just like it was.” 2017-03-12 (estimated) 524,297
557 Dashboard “Well, I'll be damned...” 2017-03-06 (estimated) 767,998
556 Dashboard “I think I like the French maid outfit better.” 2017-02-19 (estimated) 713,533
555 Dashboard “I'll never let go.” 2017-02-12 (estimated) 501,078
554 Dashboard “You were with Ringling Brothers? I was with Lehman Brothers.” 2017-02-05 (estimated) 928,060
553 Dashboard “I'd like to see other people.” 2017-01-29 (estimated) 547,090
552 Dashboard “Long time no sea.” 2017-01-22 (estimated) 519,548
551 Dashboard “Row v. Wave” 2017-01-15 (estimated) 583,185
550 Dashboard “When I asked you to line up a meeting with the Department Chairs, this is not what I meant.” 2017-01-08 (estimated) 463,593
549 Dashboard “I admire your restraint.” 2016-12-25 (estimated) 475,431
548 Dashboard “Well, five acres of popcorn back there says you were.” 2016-12-18 (estimated) 501,425
547 Dashboard “You're right. No underwear.” 2016-12-11 (estimated) 398,746
546 Dashboard “We never should have applauded.” 2016-12-04 (estimated) 333,116
545 Dashboard “It's amazing to think he started out in the lobby.” 2016-11-27 (estimated) 344,095
544 Dashboard “Given Mr Tell's declining accuracy with his bow and arrow, we're lucky the guys don't use Apples.” 2016-11-20 (estimated) 198,246
543 Dashboard “I really just thought they would send me a lapel pin when I registered.” 2016-11-13 (estimated) 450,498
542 Dashboard “Should we tell her she's wearing two different shoes?” 2016-11-06 (estimated) 581,602
541 Dashboard “Let me guess...the Gym Reaper?” 2016-10-30 (estimated) 510,944
540 Dashboard “I know a specialist, but he's in prison.” 2016-10-23 (estimated) 456,690
539 Dashboard “I don't think he realizes the gravity of the situation.” 2016-10-16 (estimated) 555,190
538 Dashboard “I'm not a big cat person.” 2016-10-09 (estimated) 385,675
537 Dashboard “He said the patent expired” 2016-10-02 (estimated) 665,537
536 Dashboard “Sometimes a dipstick is just a dipstick.” 2016-09-25 (estimated) 415,065
535 Dashboard “You and your surfaris.” 2016-09-18 (estimated) 488,929
534 Dashboard “Looks like Sammy wins the "bring your pet to work" contest. He ate all of the other entries!” 2016-09-11 (estimated) 425,529
533 Dashboard “If you see something, say something.” 2016-09-04 (estimated) 377,496
532 Dashboard “Who's endangered now?” 2016-08-28 (estimated) 714,986
531 Dashboard “Let's stay in tonight. It's a zoo out there.” 2016-08-14 (estimated) 498,337
530 Dashboard “Your overhead is going to kill you.” 2016-08-07 (estimated) 218,558
529 Dashboard “Of course I understand the gravity of the situation.” 2016-07-31 (estimated) 231,291
528 Dashboard “Welcome to Weight Watchers!” 2016-07-17 (estimated) 96,609
527 Dashboard “Well, your profile pic doesn't look much like you either.” 2016-07-10 (estimated) 237,412
526 Dashboard “Hey! My eyes are down here.” 2016-07-03 (estimated) 238,677
524 Dashboard “Take the picture, dammit, take the picture!” 2016-06-12 (estimated) 172,680
523 Dashboard “You ordered from the wrong Amazon.” 2016-06-05 (estimated) 249,063
522 Dashboard “Have you tried turning it off and back on again?” 2016-05-29 (estimated) 347,335
521 Dashboard “Go and check if it's still raining. I'll wait here.” 2016-05-22 (estimated) 183,912
520 Dashboard “I have to ask, do you feel that you could be a danger to others?” 2016-05-15 (estimated) 209,322
519 Dashboard “He's pro-gun, but I like his stance on migration.” 2016-05-08 (estimated) 191,935
518 Dashboard “This saddest part is he's going in the wrong direction.” 2016-05-01 (estimated) 248,180
517 Dashboard “Who'd have thought they'd get you for tax evasion.” 2016-04-24 (estimated) 59,717
516 Dashboard “I have no concrete plans for the rest of the day.” 2016-04-17 (estimated) 49,365
515 Dashboard “Tell me about your childhood very quickly.” 2016-04-10 (estimated) 47,448
514 Dashboard “No, you grow up” 2016-04-03 (estimated) 192,198
513 Dashboard “I'm just saying, I can see why the 'brief'case is more popular.” 2016-03-27 (estimated) 34,013
512 Dashboard “We're pretentious, not ostentatious.” 2016-03-21 (estimated) 43,120
511 Dashboard “I'm hourly.” 56,660
510 Dashboard “I'm a congressman--obstruction is my job.” 82,627