Contest #786


Cartoon

786

The winning captions

These captions are chosen by The New Yorker.

  1. “My client is prepared to walk.”
  2. “He’ll negotiate, but he won’t beg.”
  3. “He may be your best friend, but I am his lawyer.”


Name Value
Submission deadline 2022-01-02T17:32:00.000Z
Voting started -
Voting ended 2022-01-23T17:33:00.000Z
Finalists announced 2022-01-17T17:33:00.000Z
Magazine(s) announcing finalists issued January 24, 2022
Number of captions 7860
Number of responses 1076445
Number of participants -


Dashboard

In this table, the "mean" means the empirically measured average funniness score when the "unfunny", "somewhat funny" and "funny" receive a funniness score of 1, 2, 3 respectively. "Precison" is the standard error of the mean, the standard deviation of the mean estimate. With that, a caption with an empirical mean μ and precision σ has true mean in the range [μ - 2σ, μ + 2σ] with 95% probability by the 68-95-99.7 rule assuming the responses are indepedent and identically distributed.

Rank Caption Mean Precision Total votes "Unfunny" votes "Somewhat funny" votes "Funny" votes
0 This is the homework your son alleges my client ate. 1.9072 0.01141 4981 1866 1711 1404
1 And finally, an option to extend his leash. 1.9008 0.01159 4607 1676 1712 1219
2 ...and you understand, that while this is one year contract for you, it's a seven year contract for him. 1.8847 0.01134 4909 1864 1747 1298
3 My client is willing to play ball if you are. 1.8833 0.01342 3272 1177 1300 795
4 He says you can keep the cat. 1.8759 0.01198 4511 1775 1521 1215
5 It's not enough just to say he's a good boy. He wants it in writing. 1.8753 0.01378 3175 1180 1211 784
6 My client says that the bacon on the counter was left unattended. We call that 'entrapment'. 1.8736 0.01293 3672 1389 1358 925
7 He'll negotiate, but he won't beg. 1.8735 0.00961 6346 2317 2517 1512
8 My client is prepared to walk. 1.8603 0.00926 7163 2781 2607 1775
9 My client would like to remind you that he is legally entitled to anything that falls on the floor. 1.8587 0.01201 4111 1550 1592 969
10 Just so you know, he’s prepared to walk. 1.8542 0.01091 5081 1960 1902 1219
11 And what value would you place on *your* testicles, Mr. Flanagan? 1.8518 0.01109 5721 2509 1555 1657
12 The ball is in your court Mr. Smith, and frankly my client would like you to throw it back. 1.8514 0.01123 4824 1885 1775 1164
13 I'm guessing you thought he'd just roll over? 1.8502 0.01137 4633 1792 1746 1095
14 My client is not just going to roll over. 1.8488 0.01037 5515 2119 2114 1282
15 It's simple really. He's had his shots. He wants you to get yours. 1.8449 0.01055 5996 2543 1842 1611
16 You can make this all go away if you just tell him where you hid the ball. 1.8445 0.01261 3980 1617 1365 998
17 All my client's asking is that you play ball. 1.8394 0.01179 4190 1611 1641 938
18 Ultimately you just rub him the wrong way. 1.8368 0.01394 3058 1199 1159 700
19 Sign now or we W-A-L-K. 1.8360 0.01303 3597 1441 1305 851
20 Turns out he was not your best friend 1.8332 0.01144 4675 1884 1687 1104
21 Cheap kibble, one short walk a day and getting his balls cut off, if this goes to court, who do you think the jury will side with? 1.8292 0.01183 4918 2192 1379 1347
22 Sir, even I can smell the other dog on you. 1.8280 0.01155 4802 2021 1586 1195
23 Remember...he knows where the bones are buried. 1.8273 0.01353 3225 1278 1226 721
24 My client claims that you repeatedly pretend to throw the ball,but never do. Is this true? 1.8269 0.01183 4258 1700 1595 963
25 Considering the nature of the injury you caused, my client feels it’s only reasonable that you be neutered as well. 1.8264 0.01419 3289 1429 1004 856
26 You've stated my client is a "good boy." He wants that in writing. 1.8247 0.01429 2858 1128 1103 627
27 I'd like to thank you for sitting down, staying, and coming when called today. 1.8218 0.01499 2598 1031 999 568
28 She says you knew she was a bitch when you married her. 1.8215 0.01333 3973 1819 1044 1110
29 He wants the doghouse in the Hamptons. 1.8188 0.01425 3063 1280 1058 725
30 I'd advise you to sign. He knows where the bones are buried. 1.8181 0.01065 5338 2190 1929 1219
31 This says that Buddy will retain ownership of everything buried in the yard. 1.8148 0.01465 2732 1101 1036 595
32 Consider this him throwing you a bone. 1.8133 0.02047 1323 513 544 266
33 He wants you to beg. 1.8130 0.01170 4465 1860 1580 1025
34 My client wants to play ball. 1.8105 0.00975 6157 2499 2328 1330
35 My clients says you can keep the cat if he can have your slippers. 1.8100 0.02680 800 320 312 168
36 And here is a picture of you petting that beagle in the park. 1.8037 0.01221 4090 1732 1433 925
37 He wants out. 1.8020 0.01143 4590 1920 1659 1011
38 My client can't sign this. 1.8017 0.01410 3122 1340 1061 721
39 You realize this first meeting is just to sniff each other out. 1.8012 0.01514 2550 1051 956 543
40 Three daily walks and a belly rub. It's his final offer. 1.8005 0.01173 4161 1688 1615 858
41 We believe your use of the term "fix" constitutes false advertising. 1.7997 0.01192 4448 1941 1457 1050
42 My client wants out. 1.7996 0.00972 6651 2896 2196 1559
43 My client believes he's entitled to everything he's urinated on. 1.7975 0.01462 3076 1386 927 763
44 I’ll admit, our ears perked up when we heard your offer. 1.7844 0.02247 1067 427 443 197
45 He's issued a stay. 1.7842 0.01267 3605 1519 1346 740
46 She says if you wanted to keep the house, you should've thought about that before sleeping with the cat. 1.7806 0.01831 1937 888 586 463
47 Don't make my client beg. 1.7651 0.01449 2674 1146 1014 514
48 My client was hired as a service dog but was only used as a chick magnet. 1.7500 0.01429 3060 1437 953 670
49 Here's a list of his pet peeves. 1.7462 0.01437 2991 1399 952 640
50 My client is demanding that YOU roll over. 1.7237 0.01733 1911 885 669 357
51 My client isn't going to simply roll over 1.7232 0.01729 1947 926 641 380
52 My client feels you kept her on too tight a leash. 1.7229 0.01748 1700 742 687 271
53 We will not roll over and we will not beg. 1.7221 0.01749 1846 854 653 339
54 Sit we can do. Stay, that's going to cost you. 1.7129 0.01874 1599 751 559 289
55 My client claims you only pretended to throw the ball. 1.7104 0.01917 1540 726 536 278
56 My client will not just roll over 1.7085 0.01997 1544 768 459 317
57 It’s this, or we W-A-L-K. 1.7071 0.01927 1632 816 484 332
58 We have photos of you with another dog. 1.7064 0.02066 1543 801 394 348
59 My client insists you stipulate that he is still “a good boy.” 1.7029 0.01964 1424 665 517 242
60 My client prefers a vasectomy. 1.7028 0.03030 636 308 209 119
61 You will not get my client to roll over. 1.6995 0.01959 1361 639 501 221
62 She agrees you can keep the car, as long as she gets to ride in it once a week with the window rolled down. 1.6994 0.02090 1221 564 460 197
63 He may be your best friend, but I am his lawyer. 1.6988 0.02059 1388 688 434 266
64 He agrees to come when he is called, but he will no longer speak unless he wants to. 1.6970 0.02037 1320 622 476 222
65 Only one of us is pro bono - the other is just pro bone. 1.6906 0.02159 1270 633 397 240
66 You should have thought of this before you had him neutered. 1.6902 0.02240 1149 564 377 208
67 Actually according to this injunction, YOU are a bad boy 1.6895 0.02194 1198 589 392 217
68 In regards to the division of assets, my client says that technically he did mark the entire territory. 1.6887 0.02237 1227 627 355 245
69 How can my client be sure that it really will be 'a routine visit to the vet'" 1.6885 0.02229 1159 570 380 209
70 Sir, my client is simply asking you to throw him a bone. 1.6882 0.02183 1206 595 393 218
71 My client can make this very messy for you. 1.6833 0.02236 1102 533 385 184
72 My client is willing to drop the lawsuit if you agree to pick it back up and throw it for him to fetch again. 1.6816 0.02360 1046 524 331 191
73 He still wants to be your best friend. 1.6814 0.02279 1017 482 377 158
74 My client won't just roll over, sir. 1.6814 0.02245 1086 525 382 179
75 She's claiming you whistled at her 1.6811 0.02349 1063 535 332 196
76 My client is not here to beg. 1.6788 0.02305 1018 491 363 164
77 No deal. He wants your Italian loafers too. 1.6783 0.03994 345 168 120 57
78 He's willing to bury this if you just play ball. 1.6755 0.02315 1023 520 323 180
79 This second copy is in case she eats one. 1.6742 0.02496 930 475 285 170
80 My client is prepared to settle, but only after turning around several times in his bed. 1.6699 0.02459 936 470 305 161
81 In return for providing the location of you car keys, the flash drive with your passwords, the mate for ten pairs of socks, Goldie would like scratching of each ear at least 15 times per day, a nicer blankey, treats on the hour and the cat removed. 1.6693 0.02549 889 452 279 158
82 You can keep the house. He just wants the ball back. 1.6693 0.02344 1025 521 326 178
83 He says he'd still like to remain friends, just not your best friend. 1.6674 0.02540 902 462 278 162
84 I strongly advise you to accept our settlement offer. My partner has dug up a lot of dirt on you. 1.6648 0.02493 886 442 299 145
85 They say every dog has one, and today is Max's. 1.6634 0.02586 805 400 277 128
86 I believe we need to decide, once and for all, "who rescued whom?" 1.6627 0.02594 833 421 272 140
87 My client has informed me that you have not been a good boy. 1.6611 0.02604 776 380 279 117
88 This is just the standard "Who's a Good Boy?" clause. 1.6586 0.02471 870 430 307 133
89 The final document establishes, unequivocally, who's a good boy. 1.6584 0.02651 846 445 245 156
90 My client claims that he was a good boy for the duration of the relationship. 1.6577 0.02615 815 414 266 135
91 This affidavit serves to affirm that my client is, in fact, a good boy. 1.6526 0.02673 760 384 256 120
92 My client is throwing you a huge bone. We think you should run with it. 1.6525 0.02602 777 386 275 116
93 You’re on record saying my client is a “good boy.” 1.6494 0.02520 830 418 287 125
94 He will agree to undergoing the procedure if you will as well 1.6467 0.03129 634 348 162 124
95 If you don't sign, he w-a-l-k-s. 1.6464 0.02834 724 386 209 129
96 Under the custody agreement, you will have your wife on weekends and alternate holidays while Fluffy will retain primary custody. 1.6444 0.02921 703 380 193 130
97 Technically, it's a cease and desist order, but my client prefers the terms "Sit" and "Stay." 1.6444 0.02868 717 384 204 129
98 There's overwhelming evidence that he did not eat your homework. 1.6436 0.02689 738 375 251 112
99 My client wishes to clarify the issue of " who rescued whom." 1.6436 0.02906 693 370 200 123
100 Just be a good boy and sign it. 1.6412 0.02787 694 356 231 107
101 My client is willing to give you full custody of the cat. 1.6410 0.02815 741 398 211 132
102 My client wishes to protect his right of occupancy now that you're in the doghouse, as well. 1.6406 0.02823 690 358 222 110
103 You passed the smell test, you're hired. 1.6395 0.02939 638 332 204 102
104 He'll return your left shoe if you agree to the terms. 1.6359 0.02899 596 297 219 80
105 *Alleged* best friend. 1.6348 0.02812 649 328 230 91
106 We think it's a fair deal. You get to keep the house, but my client gets the yard and everything buried within 1.6332 0.02871 668 351 211 106
107 It's a standard sit/stay clause. 1.6329 0.02889 632 333 202 97
108 Well, every dog has its day, and this happens to be his. 1.6312 0.03211 564 306 160 98
109 Don’t expect my client to sit here and beg. 1.6312 0.02804 751 411 206 134
110 Our final offer is 2 walks a day and no dry food. 1.6302 0.02945 622 325 202 95
111 The damages are calculated in dog years. 1.6298 0.02785 678 350 229 99
112 My client's a son of a bitch--what can I say. 1.6292 0.02990 658 363 177 118
113 My client begs to differ. 1.6289 0.02928 574 287 213 74
114 My client will agree to get "fixed", but you first. 1.6278 0.03134 634 359 152 123
115 He’d like to keep the bottom third of the bed. 1.6277 0.02976 607 318 197 92
116 Unconditional love is a thing of the past, Mr. Hoskins. 1.6271 0.03040 598 318 185 95
117 He wants his freedom--the last year has felt like seven. 1.6264 0.03017 613 333 178 102
118 He's concerned that you're thinking of having something 'fixed' when he knows it's in perfectly good working order. 1.6263 0.03153 562 301 170 91
119 Please, just sign it. Don’t make him beg. 1.6262 0.03149 535 284 169 82
120 Let’s not make this difficult. Be a good boy and sign the papers. 1.6257 0.02981 569 293 198 78
121 He'd like it in writing that he's a "good boy". 1.6246 0.02967 610 324 193 93
122 Under the terms of the will, your wife left you to the dog. 1.6242 0.03086 620 343 167 110
123 Now just sign here to confirm that my client is a ‘good boy’. 1.6241 0.03035 588 311 187 90
124 This further stipulates that he is a good boy. 1.6234 0.03007 616 331 186 99
125 He'll keep the house and the kids, but you can have the cat. 1.6230 0.03225 549 299 158 92
126 Your ex is offering Sparky unlimited walks, snacks, car rides and access to the shoe closet. I think we can do better. 1.6224 0.02974 625 335 191 99
127 He's willing to consider the "Don't bite the hand that feeds you" clause. 1.6206 0.02920 601 311 207 83
128 The settlement to be paid over 50 years, and yes, those are dog years. 1.6198 0.03065 555 290 186 79
129 THREE walks a day. 1.6196 0.03183 552 299 164 89
130 My client would also like you to agree unconditionally that he is a good boy. 1.6186 0.02971 569 312 170 87
131 My client is claiming possession of the back yard and anything buried therein. 1.6181 0.03134 542 287 175 80
132 My client insists he was in fact a good boy. 1.6175 0.03161 536 285 171 80
133 My client would like you to agree that you will no longer tell him when or where to sit. 1.6174 0.03108 528 274 182 72
134 My client will never roll over. 1.6171 0.03084 551 290 182 79
135 And finally, you attest that he's a good boy. 1.6161 0.03053 573 305 183 85
136 As you’ll see my client has marked his territory. 1.6154 0.02960 559 298 183 78
137 If you didn't feel the need to pet every dog you come across, we wouldn't be here. 1.6146 0.03312 519 286 147 86
138 She also wants you to stop telling her that she is a “good boy.” 1.6144 0.03326 542 307 137 98
139 We're confident we can prove in court that he's a good boy. 1.6144 0.03230 529 287 159 83
140 My client says get rid of the cat and all is forgotten. 1.6138 0.03169 549 303 157 89
141 The dog wants you to keep the cat. 1.6135 0.03072 564 306 173 85
142 Now, the no-neuter clause. 1.6128 0.03325 532 299 140 93
143 All this could have been avoided if you had been a good boy, too. 1.6120 0.03390 500 278 138 84
144 My client insists that if he is to live with you, he shall be free to lick himself wherever and whenever he wants." 1.6118 0.03303 510 279 150 81
145 He wants the food bowl,the tennis balls,and your slippers, but you can have the house and the leash. 1.6108 0.03111 537 298 157 82
146 Mr. Snuggles is willing to drop his defamation lawsuit if you issue a public apology confirming that he is, in fact, a good boy. 1.6096 0.03196 520 279 165 76
147 For no more baths, my client will keep helping you pick up women. 1.6088 0.03516 478 271 123 84
148 He wants sole custody of the ball. 1.6060 0.03280 500 279 142 79
149 This should be a fair offer to compensate you for the loss of your homework. 1.6057 0.03473 459 253 134 72
150 Every dog has his day, and sir, today is his day. 1.6051 0.03351 471 254 149 68
151 No cats or the deal's off. 1.6050 0.03456 438 235 141 62
152 Think carefully, your wife made Dolly a great offer 1.6038 0.03292 472 256 150 66
153 No need to sign this one; it's just for cleaning up his accidents. 1.6020 0.03612 402 217 128 57
154 My client would like to start sniffing other people.” 1.6005 0.03674 428 243 113 72
155 Before you call these custody terms unfair, please recall that you did in fact neuter my client. 1.5991 0.03566 449 254 121 74
156 My client tells me you left her alone for a million years every day, is that true? 1.5984 0.03256 508 287 141 80
157 My client isn't going to just roll over on this. 1.5983 0.03439 468 261 134 73
158 It's a pretty standard rollover agreement. 1.5978 0.03289 455 240 158 57
159 This time she’s taking you to the groomers 1.5959 0.03281 490 273 144 73
160 Aside from your resume, he wants to know if you've been a good boy. 1.5953 0.03352 467 255 146 66
161 Final offer, Mr. Andrews. If you don’t accept, we W-A-L-K. 1.5945 0.03593 434 245 120 69
162 If you're not willing to sign, my client is ready to w-a-l-k. 1.5944 0.03385 503 288 131 84
163 If we have a deal, my client will shake on it. 1.5940 0.03320 468 254 150 64
164 You can have the house. He's just asking for your slippers. 1.5934 0.03211 519 287 156 76
165 He won’t roll over so easily this time. 1.5928 0.03411 447 244 141 62
166 And he gets to keep your wife. 1.5918 0.03650 441 256 109 76
167 So it's agreed: joint custody of your wife. 1.5918 0.03521 441 247 127 67
168 Sorry, but your proposal just doesn't pass the sniff test. 1.5908 0.03236 479 260 156 63
169 No, half of your shoes means one from each pair. 1.5903 0.03740 432 255 99 78
170 Your emotional support animal would like his own emotional support animal to help him cope with your increasing demands. 1.5902 0.03648 410 230 118 62
171 He is offering you exclusive use of fifty percent of the bed. I think it's a good deal. 1.5889 0.03453 450 251 133 66
172 That leaves us with the custody of the squeaky toys. 1.5887 0.03190 479 263 153 63
173 Now it’s your turn to roll over. 1.5881 0.03444 420 229 136 55
174 Nowhere in this document has he agreed to be your best friend. 1.5876 0.03361 451 249 142 60
175 He's a got a bone to pick 1.5875 0.03570 417 232 125 60
176 You can have the house but we want the front and back yard. 1.5871 0.03281 448 244 148 56
177 I'd recommend taking the deal, sir. 30 minutes of fetch per day is quite generous, especially considering what you had the vet do to my client. 1.5864 0.03578 457 267 112 78
178 My client would like to make this go away. And come back. And go away. And come back. 1.5826 0.03540 448 258 119 71
179 No more verbal assurances. He wants a signed statement to the effect that he’s a very good boy. 1.5821 0.03609 414 234 119 61
180 I think you'll find this settlement more than fair, given the condition of your rug prior to the incident. 1.5804 0.03824 367 210 102 55
181 What? Did you think he'd just roll over. 1.5798 0.03876 357 202 103 52
182 My client refuses to rollover. 1.5791 0.03348 430 232 147 51
183 My client stipulates that he’s a good boy. You need no longer ask. 1.5789 0.03844 361 204 105 52
184 He won't budge...he gets vaccinated when you get vaccinated." 1.5788 0.03823 387 225 100 62
185 As per the agreement, he’s willing to remain friends, just not best friends. 1.5773 0.03355 440 241 144 55
186 And more bacon. Much more bacon. 1.5769 0.03408 390 214 132 44
187 He’s willing to give you the cat. 1.5769 0.03434 442 248 133 61
188 Of course, Sparky will also have similar decision making authority to put you down under comparable circumstances. 1.5768 0.03707 423 250 102 71
189 The terms are no neutering, no cats, and 50% of online video royalties. 1.5759 0.03432 415 237 123 55
190 My client insists on a seat at the table, not under it. 1.5758 0.03430 422 238 130 54
191 If you agree to stop inviting people over to your house, he'll agree to stop barking when the doorbell rings. 1.5738 0.03982 359 211 90 58
192 So the only issue left to resolve is who gets the wife? 1.5726 0.03961 379 228 85 66
193 Pepper has reason to believe you have been playing with other dogs. 1.5725 0.03599 386 214 123 49
194 In light of his growing income from dog food commercials, he's suing to end your conservatorship 1.5711 0.03390 450 254 135 61
195 Our final offer: two more trips to the dog park each week, or we walk. 1.5703 0.03614 384 214 121 49
196 And finally, you must agree that it was he who rescued you. 1.5703 0.03698 370 207 115 48
197 Murphy would like to renegotiate the terms of his leash. 1.5702 0.03849 356 203 103 50
198 By signing here you agree that my client is a "great boy" and you will no longer refer to him as simply a "good boy". 1.5697 0.03427 423 235 135 53
199 We think it's a fair price considering he knows where the bones are buried. 1.5670 0.03637 418 245 109 64
200 And then these are the assets that aren't buried in the backyard. 1.5666 0.03661 383 217 115 51
201 If he has to get neutered, so do you. 1.5665 0.04041 346 205 86 55
202 He says it’s your turn to roll over. 1.5650 0.03867 331 185 105 41
203 And don’t try any tricks. He may be old , but he knows them all. 1.5641 0.03596 429 253 110 66
204 Here’s your settlement agreement. You get the car and the cat, he gets the tennis ball and the spot in front of the fireplace. 1.5637 0.03762 353 206 98 49
205 Who's rolling over now? 1.5632 0.03847 364 212 99 53
206 I know it’s yet another indignity, but he’s going to need you to sign for him. 1.5630 0.03737 373 214 108 51
207 I know he is your best friend, but it's always best to have it in writing. 1.5627 0.03856 343 195 103 45
208 Of course, this is just a ruff draft. 1.5623 0.03773 345 193 110 42
209 Maybe you weren’t aware you signed a pre-pup. 1.5610 0.04151 328 196 80 52
210 In my client’s defense, he was simply marking his territory. 1.5605 0.03609 380 214 119 47
211 My client is prepared to settle if he gets the couch. 1.5595 0.03979 311 175 98 38
212 My client agrees to let you have the small house outside. 1.5591 0.03915 381 232 85 64
213 He wants to know if you’ve had all of your shots. 1.5584 0.04140 351 217 72 62
214 And we must insist that the offer includes a rollover plan. 1.5581 0.03762 387 229 100 58
215 Barney here wrote down a number. Or lose the cat and we can make this whole thing go away. Your choice. 1.5578 0.03733 398 237 100 61
216 Let's go over a few things before the cat and her counsel arrive. 1.5577 0.03884 355 208 96 51
217 Weekday papers only,a dog door to the terrace,and he gets half your bed. No cats. 1.5576 0.04058 321 187 89 45
218 Now be a good boy and sign. 1.5565 0.03569 345 191 118 36
219 Fake ball-throwing was the primary reason. 1.5563 0.03981 311 176 97 38
220 The dog wants you sent to obedience training 1.5562 0.03803 347 203 97 47
221 According to my client, you were the rescue. 1.5559 0.04298 286 167 79 40
222 He wants to stay friends, just not best friends. 1.5559 0.03715 358 203 111 44
223 And is it true you were just pretending to throw the ball? 1.5550 0.03702 373 217 106 50
224 So if we can agree on wet food at least 3 nights a week, can we get this done? 1.5543 0.03599 368 206 120 42
225 All we need is a brief statement about what REALLY happened to your homework. 1.5538 0.03974 325 188 94 43
226 This contract ensures that you will never pretend to throw the ball again. 1.5538 0.04109 316 186 85 45
227 In case of your demise he would like to reside with a single older lady who cooks. 1.5533 0.03858 338 194 101 43
228 The last item to discuss is the slippers. 1.5531 0.03544 367 203 125 39
229 My client proposes that you get the kids and she gets your wife. 1.5531 0.03788 367 215 101 51
230 He eats what you eat, or it's no deal 1.5530 0.03766 349 199 107 43
231 Now let's talk about the rollover. 1.5510 0.04013 294 165 96 33
232 You expect my client to just rollover and accept this? 1.5506 0.04086 316 186 86 44
233 OK, Mr. Smith, Benji gets the house, the couch, and your slippers, and you keep the cat. 1.5501 0.03917 349 207 92 50
234 I’d like to remind you that the “mere” 7 years of companionship meant 49 to my client. 1.5500 0.03552 360 199 124 37
235 This version of the prepup agreement specifies two walks a day, the right to hang his head out the car window, and a weekly clean ball. 1.5494 0.03900 324 193 87 44
236 My client has written down a number representing what he feels is a fair number of treats per day. 1.5493 0.03944 304 171 99 34
237 And lastly, that you take down that offensive print of Dogs Playing Poker. 1.5481 0.03883 312 183 90 39
238 He says he no longer wishes to be a good boy. 1.5470 0.03790 362 213 100 49
239 My clients agrees to come down to three walks a day, provided there's no eye contact while he poops. 1.5468 0.04216 278 160 84 34
240 I suggest you accept his terms or he’s prepared to use his sad puppy dog eyes in front of the judge. 1.5441 0.04218 261 152 78 31
241 He’s only serving you one paper. He ate the others. 1.5437 0.04259 309 189 72 48
242 He's agreed that you can have the house... but he wants the run of the backyard 1.5433 0.03560 381 221 114 46
243 Once signed, these documents will legally state that my client is no longer your best friend. 1.5428 0.03946 304 173 97 34
244 He is suing you along with the veterinarian in that little "snip snip" thing you guys pulled. 1.5421 0.04182 297 176 81 40
245 Trust me, this is much better than you'll do before a jury of his peers! 1.5408 0.03685 368 215 107 46
246 We need to depose the cat. 1.5395 0.03920 304 173 98 33
247 My client offers to reconcile, but the cat goes. 1.5395 0.04002 304 176 92 36
248 Speaking bluntly and in Layman’s terms…He’ wants his balls back. 1.5394 0.04201 317 195 73 49
249 Half of the treats and you would retain the cat. 1.5392 0.03940 293 165 98 30
250 Just counter-urinate where indicated and we’re done.” 1.5392 0.04075 332 205 76 51
251 He says you can have the dog house but the condo in Hawaii is his. 1.5377 0.04182 292 173 81 38
252 Sit. Sign. Goood boyyy. 1.5370 0.04345 270 160 75 35
253 Now let's be a good boy and sign the papers. 1.5369 0.03748 352 209 99 44
254 You should have thought long and hard before you had him neutered.” 1.5367 0.04096 313 188 82 43
255 Yes, her signature page is missing. She claims you ate it. 1.5364 0.04262 302 185 72 45
256 She IS a bitch - just sign. 1.5356 0.04287 295 180 72 43
257 This document stipulates your understanding that Max remains man's best friend...but no longer your best friend." 1.5350 0.04306 286 173 73 40
258 He no longer wants to be man's best friend. 1.5345 0.03802 290 177 78 35
259 My client insists he has been nothing but a good boy. 1.5343 0.03486 277 161 92 24
260 He’d like to cut right to the chase. 1.5333 0.04409 270 163 70 37
261 She wants the rubber bone and the tennis balls, but is willing to let you have the cat. 1.5327 0.03939 336 205 84 47
262 Baxter insists on keeping the house, but he’s offering you full custody of the cat. 1.5323 0.03836 325 189 99 37
263 Among his complaints are that you consistently talk down to him. 1.5315 0.04279 286 173 74 39
264 And finally, Mr. Cuddly Wuddly requests a name change to Thor. 1.5311 0.04814 241 150 54 37
265 He wants half the bed. 1.5309 0.03867 307 176 99 32
266 My client contends you're the one who is not a 'good boy' 1.5308 0.04239 292 177 75 40
267 Please refer to my client as Good Boy, in all further correspondence. 1.5308 0.04098 292 172 85 35
268 It was down to the two of you,but he was vaccinated. 1.5304 0.04688 247 152 59 36
269 I realize you were expecting a better offer, but my client has me on a short leash. 1.5302 0.04033 281 161 91 29
270 He wants a 401K9 1.5298 0.04262 285 172 75 38
271 The dog keeps your wife in the divorce. 1.5288 0.04011 295 172 90 33
272 I’m representing him pro-BONE-o 1.5287 0.04559 261 161 62 38
273 In the event of dissolution, the floppy fish, Mr. Moose, and the braided chewy sticks will remain my client's separate property. 1.5284 0.03943 299 173 94 32
274 Final offer: You stop snoring and he stops peeing on the carpet. 1.5283 0.03886 318 189 91 38
275 He claims he was more than just your best friend. 1.5281 0.04417 267 162 69 36
276 Well, we already know who scored better on loyalty. 1.5278 0.04200 288 173 78 37
277 Biting him certainly made the news, but it's going to cost you 1.5278 0.04406 252 149 73 30
278 I'm sorry but he scored higher on the obedience test 1.5276 0.04363 254 157 63 34
279 This one dissolves my client’s responsibilities as man’s best friend. 1.5274 0.04156 292 177 77 38
280 It was a one year leash and you broke it. 1.5273 0.04380 275 168 69 38
281 Here is a list of his commands. 1.5270 0.04030 296 174 88 34
282 These are our terms, or we W-A-L-K. 1.5270 0.04103 315 193 78 44
283 Let me be perfectly clear, Mr Rochester, from a legal perspective, his bark is most certainly not worse than his bite. 1.5267 0.04247 262 153 80 29
284 Per the agreement, my client will retain sole custody of all of your left shoes. 1.5266 0.04064 319 195 80 44
285 And this one stipulates that you are a bad, bad boy. 1.5265 0.04154 264 154 82 28
286 He wants his nuts back. 1.5265 0.04429 283 177 63 43
287 She may be a bitch, but she wants to settle! 1.5261 0.04590 249 152 63 34
288 My client will need some time to chew this over. 1.5257 0.04394 253 150 73 30
289 Did you think that my client would simply roll over and play dead? 1.5250 0.04533 240 143 68 29
290 Regardless of who paid for it, my client is entitled to anything he peed on during the time you were together. 1.5249 0.04117 301 182 80 39
291 And finally, upon separation we retain all rights to the title "Man's Best Friend"... 1.5244 0.03950 307 184 87 36
292 You can see the puppies every other weekend, and my client gets the house. 1.5238 0.04371 252 149 74 29
293 He's now willing to greet you at the front door after work for three days a week. 1.5233 0.04242 279 168 76 35
294 I can assure you, whether you sign or not, my client is ready to walk. 1.5230 0.04192 304 188 73 43
295 Our terms are final... what he licks is his own business. 1.5220 0.04041 295 175 86 34
296 You get to keep the house but she wants to have unlimited access to the tree. 1.5213 0.04209 282 170 77 35
297 The dog wants custody of your children. 1.5211 0.04528 261 162 62 37
298 Either you agree to his terms or we w-a-l-k 1.5205 0.04351 292 184 64 44
299 These records will show that my client was, in fact, a very good boy 1.5205 0.04325 244 142 77 25
300 No worries. Bentley helps us identify candidates with strong interpersonal skills and good personal hygiene. 1.5200 0.04647 250 156 58 36
301 He says everything he peed on is his. 1.5200 0.04182 300 185 74 41
302 Who wants to sign this release? Who wants to sign this release? Who's a good boy? You are! You're a good boy! 1.5198 0.04372 252 150 73 29
303 He wants three walks a day and two belly rubs. That’s his final offer. 1.5196 0.03762 331 195 100 36
304 My client said she already peed on everything she wants in the split. 1.5182 0.04511 247 150 66 31
305 My client demands that you cease and desist on blaming her for your farts.. 1.5180 0.04463 278 176 60 42
306 It looks like you signed a pre-pup, so you're not entitled to anything. 1.5180 0.04162 278 166 80 32
307 …and in turn you agree to allow the ball in the house. 1.5176 0.03921 313 187 90 36
308 All he’s asking for is his chewy, the doghouse, and his testicles back” 1.5175 0.04746 257 166 49 42
309 He says in lieu for a signed agreement, he would like to "Shake on it." 1.5168 0.04484 238 142 69 27
310 He wants the little house out back. 1.5164 0.04085 244 142 80 22
311 He says he wants the house and the yard. 1.5163 0.04526 246 150 65 31
312 You retain the apartment and all its furnishings. He gets the Ohio State sweatshirt and both Adidas sneakers. 1.5148 0.04139 270 165 74 31
313 Sir, I'm afraid you're barking up the wrong tree. 1.5145 0.04365 241 142 74 25
314 My client expected that response, Mr Pavlov. 1.5142 0.04844 212 129 57 26
315 Now who’s a good lawyer? 1.5134 0.04363 261 159 70 32
316 He keeps the house, wife and kids ; you get the cat. 1.5115 0.04510 260 163 61 36
317 My advice is to give the dog a bone. 1.5110 0.04134 272 162 81 29
318 As you can see, Fido alleges you violated the non-compete clause when you called another dog a 'good, good boy.' 1.5104 0.04011 288 179 74 35
319 You can keep the house, but the backyard is hers. 1.5098 0.04335 255 154 72 29
320 My client wishes to codify BEST friend. 1.5094 0.04281 265 161 73 31
321 She says you rub her the wrong way. 1.5092 0.04339 271 168 68 35
322 He wants a pre-pup. 1.5090 0.04298 277 172 69 36
323 Just remember. He knows where all the bones are buried. 1.5086 0.04141 291 179 76 36
324 And here’s your part of the inheritance. 1.5077 0.04308 260 164 64 32
325 He's offering you full custody of the cats. 1.5077 0.04410 260 161 66 33
326 You get the house, Rex gets the yard. 1.5075 0.04061 268 165 73 30
327 Not only didn’t he eat your homework, he actually did your homework. 1.5074 0.05054 203 127 49 27
328 Our position is, that the car was chasing him. 1.5068 0.04911 221 140 50 31
329 Actually the terms of the will stipulate he owns you. 1.5059 0.04227 255 152 77 26
330 Okay, now it’s your turn to beg. 1.5057 0.04169 263 157 79 27
331 I'm sorry but it looks like he'll be keeping the wife. 1.5051 0.05051 198 123 50 25
332 He says that you can have the house but he gets the yard. 1.5043 0.04559 230 140 64 26
333 Your resume is very impressive, but he’d still like to see how you beg. 1.5037 0.04199 272 166 75 31
334 That's our final offer. We're not willing to beg. 1.5025 0.04599 203 119 66 18
335 Now, please sign your copy of the leash agreement. 1.5021 0.04475 233 141 67 25
336 My client believes you've known who the good boy is all along. 1.5021 0.04716 233 147 55 31
337 You led my client to believe that you'd be staying at home forever. 1.5021 0.04557 233 143 63 27
338 We’re flexible on leash length but food dish size is not negotiable. 1.5021 0.04234 237 141 74 22
339 I'm afraid the butt sniffing is non negotiable 1.5019 0.03997 259 150 88 21
340 All he wants are your shoes. 1.5019 0.04282 265 163 71 31
341 Here is his proof of vaccination. Now can he see yours? 1.5018 0.04524 271 176 54 41
342 And this affidavit states that my client is indeed a "good boy" in perpetuity or until he wets the carpet. 1.5000 0.03832 246 156 65 25
343 You should've signed a prenup, Waffles will now own everything he has peed on. 1.5000 0.04612 232 144 60 28
344 And this document lets you out of the leash agreement. 1.5000 0.04778 216 134 56 26
345 He’ll agree to be neutered once you’re home recovering from your vasectomy. 1.5000 0.04908 226 146 47 33
346 Look at the bright side - we’ve prorated the settlement in dog years. 1.5000 0.04444 260 164 62 34
347 He points out that the choice of wall-to-wall carpeting wasn't his own. 1.5000 0.04016 264 155 86 23
348 He’ll sleep on the floor—but three walks a day is non-negotiable. 1.4980 0.03944 255 154 78 23
349 Our suit further contends that you're statement: "Come on boy, we're getting you fixed today!" was vague and misleading." 1.4980 0.04522 249 157 60 32
350 My client requests that you throw him a bone." 1.4979 0.04338 237 142 72 23
351 My client no longer wishes to sit, stay or heel. 1.4978 0.04708 231 146 55 30
352 Just a formality before you're adopted 1.4977 0.04697 221 137 58 26
353 This is his offer. I think you'll find it more than fair. He just wants out. 1.4965 0.03904 288 177 81 30
354 He’s had his vaccinations. And you? 1.4960 0.04363 250 154 68 28
355 He gets the wife. 1.4959 0.04706 246 160 50 36
356 Don't make him beg . . . 1.4958 0.04406 238 145 68 25
357 Now, this is the couch share agreement 1.4955 0.04606 224 138 61 25
358 It's an 'unrestraining order.' My client feels he no longer needs to be leashed on walks. 1.4954 0.04563 218 132 64 22
359 My client wants assurances that he is indeed a good boy. 1.4949 0.05140 196 125 45 26
360 He might not bring much to the table, but he'll get anything that falls under it. 1.4949 0.04933 196 121 53 22
361 My client requests custody of the blue zippy leash,the downstairs fuzzy dog bed,and the girlfriend. You may keep the cats. 1.4947 0.04177 285 179 71 35
362 He gave you the best 89 years of his life, Kevin. 1.4939 0.04391 245 151 67 27
363 Friendship aside, he claims you took his manhood. 1.4938 0.04379 243 149 68 26
364 After transfer of half of your old shoes, my client will provide information on where your car keys are buried. 1.4937 0.04392 239 146 68 25
365 Shake? 1.4936 0.04301 235 143 69 23
366 My client maintains HE walked YOU. 1.4936 0.04488 235 145 64 26
367 He's not going to roll over anymore 1.4934 0.04297 227 134 74 19
368 We would like you to start training your replacement. 1.4932 0.04518 221 134 65 22
369 And now YOU beg. 1.4930 0.04514 215 129 66 20
370 And finally, my client cites your ongoing kindness to the mailman, despite her repeated objections. 1.4924 0.04145 262 159 77 26
371 He gets the house in the Hamptons, you get the cat. 1.4924 0.04249 262 162 71 29
372 It’s a standard pre-pup agreement, listing your duties about food, exercise, ear scratching and waste removal. 1.4922 0.04298 258 160 69 29
373 My client's not going to roll over on this. 1.4916 0.04304 238 146 68 24
374 She wants her house AND yours. 1.4915 0.04582 234 147 59 28
375 My client won’t take any deals under the table, unless you have scraps. 1.4911 0.04563 224 138 62 24
376 My client has a few bones to pick with you. 1.4907 0.04480 214 128 67 19
377 I would advise you to sign, in this case, his bite IS bigger than his bark. 1.4904 0.04049 261 156 82 23
378 Spike says he’ll adopt you but you have to get neutered 1.4904 0.04364 261 165 64 32
379 My client has requested that you immediately disclose the whereabouts of the ball. 1.4904 0.04227 261 161 72 28
380 You can keep Mr. Squooshy, he will take the lake house. 1.4903 0.04998 206 132 47 27
381 By signing this you agree that the phrases “good girl” and “bad girl” are subject to binding arbitration. 1.4900 0.04458 251 159 61 31
382 Although your father left the majority of his estate to Buddy, he did bequeath you his favorite chew toy. 1.4898 0.04770 196 119 58 19
383 He thinks you are an appropriate rescue. Just sign here and he will take you home. 1.4892 0.05071 186 116 49 21
384 Yes, you are being let go. Yes, you are. 1.4890 0.04561 227 141 61 25
385 Before you sign your employment contract, we just have a little sniff test to complete 1.4887 0.04608 221 137 60 24
386 I think we both know there's no material difference between a crate and a cage. 1.4884 0.04465 215 129 67 19
387 While my client appreciates your offer of rescue, she does insist on some specific terms in the leash agreement 1.4872 0.04676 195 117 61 17
388 So, it's settled. He gets custody of the cat. 1.4864 0.04130 257 156 77 24
389 It’s a list of pet peeves. 1.4862 0.05054 181 112 50 19
390 True, but in dog years, he has far more experience.... 1.4858 0.04656 212 131 59 22
391 Yes Dave, this is because of 'the testicles thing.' 1.4857 0.05428 175 113 39 23
392 You agree to provide treats for no apparent reason. 1.4848 0.04789 198 122 56 20
393 It’s the standard prepup. 1.4846 0.04645 227 144 56 27
394 He wants more time with your ex-wife. 1.4839 0.04350 248 155 66 27
395 You can keep the house but my client wants the right to sniff and urinate anywhere in the yard. 1.4837 0.04000 246 162 56 28
396 Lucky has agreed to stop barking at the mailman if you agree to re-home the cat. 1.4835 0.05211 182 116 44 22
397 We are sorry to let you go, but I’m afraid you just don’t have what it takes to be top dog around here. 1.4835 0.04972 182 112 52 18
398 To make things easier, my client has asked me to throw you a bone. 1.4831 0.04350 207 129 59 19
399 You can keep the house, but I'm afraid the backyard is non-negotiable. 1.4831 0.04611 236 154 51 31
400 Be that as it may, your late father's will was QUITE specific 1.4826 0.05115 172 106 49 17
401 You get the house, the car, and the cabin at the lake and he wants that smelly carcass behind the tool shed. 1.4825 0.04588 228 144 58 26
402 Please sign this retraction, acknowledging that my client is not now, nor has he ever been your "best friend". 1.4825 0.04460 228 143 61 24
403 My client wants all his balls back. And yours. 1.4822 0.04965 197 125 49 23
404 My client agrees to the sale of the house, but he wishes to retain his interest in the bones buried in the back yard. 1.4813 0.04244 241 147 72 22
405 He dog-eared the important pages. 1.4811 0.04750 212 134 54 24
406 You have impressed our top dog. Here is our offer. 1.4809 0.04486 235 148 61 26
407 My client will drop the 'involuntary sterilization' lawsuit in exchange for the 'exclusive lifetime co-habitation' agreement. 1.4803 0.04274 254 159 68 27
408 She began here as an emotional support animal. Now, she’s our head of HR. 1.4802 0.04728 227 147 51 29
409 He's generously offered you full custody of the cat. 1.4800 0.04320 275 179 60 36
410 My client thinks you're the one who should move to the farm upstate. 1.4800 0.04909 200 127 50 23
411 You may call it 'puppy love', but it was inappropriate. 1.4798 0.04946 198 126 49 23
412 Did you or did you not engage in heavy petting with my client? 1.4793 0.04714 217 138 54 25
413 Look on the bright side,he finally brought you the papers 1.4793 0.04623 217 136 58 23
414 Now that you have adopted a cat, he needs this 'best friend' thing in writing. 1.4790 0.04384 238 151 61 26
415 Fido and I have come to an agreement on your remote work plan. He gets you at home Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, and I get you in the office on Tuesday and Thursday. 1.4787 0.04670 211 132 57 22
416 As we agreed, you get the cat. 1.4775 0.04591 222 140 58 24
417 Of course, we all know perfectly well who "a good boy" is but my client would prefer an official statement. 1.4772 0.04324 241 150 67 24
418 If you think we’re just going to roll over on this, you’re barking up the wrong tree. 1.4767 0.05498 172 113 36 23
419 Closing on a doghouse is uncommon, but not unprecedented. 1.4766 0.04622 214 134 58 22
420 Our final offer: three walks a day with treats. 1.4764 0.04173 233 140 75 18
421 He gets all the toys and visitation rights on the sofa. 1.4760 0.04155 229 139 72 18
422 Just because my client is wagging his tail doesn't mean he's waiving his rights. 1.4757 0.04852 185 114 54 17
423 And nothing for the cat. 1.4752 0.04872 202 129 50 23
424 Sorry Bill, we have to let you go. Fido just had better ideas for the dog food campaign. 1.4737 0.04751 209 133 53 23
425 He wants to know if you’re a good boy. Yes he does. He wants to know if you’re a good boy. 1.4734 0.05140 188 122 43 23
426 You can either sign or wipe your butt on the dotted line. 1.4732 0.04917 205 133 47 25
427 Only if both of you are neutered. 1.4731 0.05292 186 123 38 25
428 This simply redefines my client's relationship to you from "best friend" to "conscenting companion"... 1.4731 0.05010 186 118 48 20
429 And what would you do if Mr. Freckles had neutered you, Mr. Adams? 1.4728 0.04623 239 157 51 31
430 We like the your CV,but my client needs to know more about your ball throwing abilities. 1.4727 0.04575 220 139 58 23
431 My client simply wishes to expand upon, clarify, and memorialize the definition of "Man's best friend," should you ever choose to modify your gender identity. 1.4725 0.04908 182 113 52 17
432 By signing this document you agree that under no circumstances will you talk to him like he’s a baby. 1.4725 0.04970 182 114 50 18
433 She gets the dog house and that large building next to it. 1.4721 0.04857 197 125 51 21
434 And this is just a copy of the one my client ate. 1.4716 0.04963 176 109 51 16
435 His value has gone significantly up since his cousin won Westminster. 1.4715 0.04100 246 152 73 21
436 I think we're going to give Max the Kibble Account. He has more experience. 1.4715 0.05092 193 126 43 24
437 My client will only do the film if he doesn't die in the end. 1.4712 0.05024 191 123 46 22
438 …And for the record, my client is a “good boy” 1.4711 0.04500 225 142 60 23
439 You didn’t pass the smell test. 1.4709 0.04751 206 131 53 22
440 He objects to your characterization of the relationship as being one between "dog and master". Further, he states that your insistent and changing demands of "shake hands" and "give me kisses" confuses him and makes him feel very uncomfortable. 1.4706 0.05087 170 106 48 16
441 You can keep the vaccum, the nail clippers, the correction collar, the Yoko Ono album and the cat. 1.4706 0.05378 187 126 34 27
442 This is my client’s final offer, you get vaccinated and he will wear the flea collar. 1.4700 0.04958 200 130 46 24
443 Our dress code requires you to wear a necktie or collar. 1.4691 0.04965 194 125 47 22
444 You'll have to deal with him. He inherited all of Marge's money. 1.4683 0.04546 252 168 50 34
445 He WAS your best friend. 1.4681 0.04735 188 116 56 16
446 He keeps the big house, you get the little red one in back. 1.4680 0.04852 203 131 49 23
447 The agreement calls for two walks per day and no dry food on weekends 1.4679 0.04511 218 137 60 21
448 Chew on this. 1.4677 0.04831 186 116 53 17
449 And finally, by signing here, you agree to always be a good boy. 1.4673 0.04667 214 137 54 23
450 My client believes that after 11 years you should know who's a good dog. 1.4670 0.05379 182 122 35 25
451 Rover is our head of HR. Do you mind if he gives your butt a sniff ? 1.4670 0.04961 197 128 46 23
452 And this absolves liability for damage to shoes. 1.4670 0.04856 197 126 50 21
453 You get custody of the tennis ball, but not the squeaky duck. 1.4670 0.04426 227 143 62 22
454 You passed the sniff test. Welcome to the pack! 1.4667 0.04410 225 141 63 21
455 My client insists that he keeps his balls. 1.4667 0.04967 210 140 42 28
456 ...retracting your prior claim that my client did consume written materials, belonging to you, which were academic in nature 1.4667 0.04586 225 145 55 25
457 I think you’ll find our terms unintelligible. 1.4663 0.04909 208 137 45 26
458 Don't underestimate him, he has a keen nose for bull shit. 1.4663 0.04929 193 124 48 21
459 My client would also like to retain all tennis balls and dirty socks. 1.4660 0.04740 191 119 55 17
460 My client wants the house. The big house. 1.4659 0.05153 176 113 44 19
461 So,you acknowledge that you brought the cat home? 1.4657 0.04733 204 130 53 21
462 And we'll need three professional references to establish that you are a good boy. 1.4655 0.05067 174 110 47 17
463 You can have the doghouse. 1.4655 0.04566 232 151 54 27
464 Please review my client’s ruff draft. 1.4649 0.04726 185 114 56 15
465 It's just a standard release of liability for any unforeseen acts of chewing, peeing, or leg-humping. 1.4645 0.05008 183 117 47 19
466 He says that you treat him like a dog. How do you respond? 1.4633 0.03880 218 138 64 16
467 She gets the house - and before you ask, yes the big one. 1.4632 0.05150 190 126 40 24
468 Have you now or have you ever referred to the defendant as a "good boy" 1.4631 0.04800 203 131 50 22
469 He says he didn’t eat your homework! 1.4630 0.05264 162 103 43 16
470 My client asks that you balance the pen on your nose until he tells you it's okay to sign. 1.4628 0.04792 188 118 53 17
471 Just remember to divide the offer number by 7 to get it into human dollars. 1.4624 0.05153 173 111 44 18
472 He wants joint custody of the cat. 1.4623 0.04922 199 130 46 23
473 Don’t worry, it’s your standard pre-pup agreement 1.4619 0.04533 210 132 59 19
474 The tennis balls are his, and you can keep the cat. 1.4619 0.04730 210 136 51 23
475 Your mother left everything to Buster… but he would like you to have this allowance. 1.4615 0.05087 182 118 44 20
476 Sorry, but we're looking for someone who can do new tricks. 1.4611 0.04934 167 103 51 13
477 Unfortunately, your mother left all of her estate to Chester. 1.4610 0.05383 154 98 41 15
478 True. You might convince the judge to toss it. But my client would undoubtedly bring it back. 1.4606 0.05670 165 112 30 23
479 Please don’t call my client a bitch! 1.4604 0.05114 202 137 37 28
480 Be a good boy and take the offer. 1.4602 0.05151 176 114 43 19
481 He gets the slippers. 1.4601 0.04942 163 100 51 12
482 My client wants the couch 24-7. 1.4600 0.04694 200 127 54 19
483 He gets the cat. That's nonnegotiable. 1.4599 0.04532 237 156 53 28
484 He says he will finance the development if you put in more fire hydrants. 1.4599 0.04657 187 118 53 16
485 He is asking for a non-neutering agreement. 1.4597 0.04760 211 138 49 24
486 She’s offering to let you keep the cat. 1.4593 0.04794 209 137 48 24
487 My client keeps all the kibble, all the Tasty Treets, and your fuzzy left slipper. 1.4583 0.05027 192 129 39 24
488 Pretty standard stuff. You throw, he fetches but won't give back. 1.4583 0.04776 192 122 52 18
489 He's here to provide emotional support. 1.4583 0.04585 216 139 55 22
490 My client maintains that in the end you are actually a cat person. 1.4581 0.05148 179 117 42 20
491 Finally, she demands you refrain from referring to her as a bitch. 1.4579 0.04754 190 120 53 17
492 You get the leash, but he keeps his ball. 1.4579 0.04754 190 120 53 17
493 My client requests restitution for the damages done to his reputation based on your slander that he is a, quote, ‘bad dog’. 1.4573 0.04628 199 128 52 19
494 He says you can keep the doghouse, but he wants the couch. 1.4573 0.04709 199 127 53 19
495 I'm giving you his walking papers. 1.4570 0.04766 186 117 53 16
496 Ruff finds your demands to beg, heel, stay, and fetch demeaning. This is a cease and desist. 1.4570 0.04826 186 118 51 17
497 Your mother left Scruffy here in your care along with these instructions on how to invest his inheritance. 1.4560 0.05024 182 118 45 19
498 We think you'll play ball. 1.4558 0.04455 215 136 60 19
499 Bailey asserts that both the tennis balls and the relationship are irretrievable. 1.4556 0.05102 169 108 45 16
500 He'll settle for five minutes alone with the mailman. 1.4554 0.04386 202 124 64 14
501 Every dog has its day. And if he also has a $725 per hour attorney, a dog can have quite a day. 1.4550 0.04529 189 121 52 16
502 Your dog says you were the one who peed on the rug. Care to modify your witness statement...? 1.4545 0.04866 187 120 49 18
503 You keep the house, but he gets the yard. 1.4545 0.04832 198 129 48 21
504 Now if you'll just sniff these papers.. 1.4541 0.05022 185 121 44 20
505 Would you have any problem reporting to a dog? 1.4541 0.04721 185 116 54 15
506 My client is willing to move on number of walks per day, but tummy rubs are non-negotiable. 1.4537 0.04377 227 145 61 21
507 The counteroffer is fair, no more chewing your shoes but the toilet seat must be left up. 1.4528 0.04499 212 135 58 19
508 It turns out his love is conditional 1.4520 0.05063 177 115 44 18
509 Ruff is the sole heir. But he wants you to have the house in the Hamptons; he never liked the beach. 1.4519 0.04351 208 129 64 15
510 He wants his testicles back in the settlement. 1.4516 0.04793 186 126 39 21
511 My client believes you do not know who’s a good boy anymore. 1.4513 0.04664 195 124 54 17
512 Actually, prepuptual agreements are pretty common. 1.4511 0.05041 184 121 43 20
513 Free Britney" inspired my client to take control of her own life 1.4510 0.05482 153 100 37 16
514 He wants to keep the cat. 1.4510 0.04828 204 135 46 23
515 Listen, your resume looks great but your butt just didn't pass the sniff test. 1.4509 0.04947 173 110 48 15
516 He just wants to know if you’ve had all your shots.” 1.4506 0.05330 162 106 39 17
517 Baby talk, Elizabethan collars and Halloween costumes are non-starters. 1.4505 0.04576 202 131 52 19
518 He will agree to be housebroken if you agree to put an exhaust fan in your bathroom. 1.4505 0.04549 202 128 57 17
519 Sign here, Mr. Jamison. It's no longer in you best interest to make my client beg. 1.4503 0.04777 171 106 53 12
520 As agreed, Buddy gets full custody of the children. 1.4503 0.05124 191 129 38 24
521 You can keep the house, but my client gets the squeaky toys. 1.4500 0.04525 200 126 58 16
522 My client wishes to enforce the NO CAT CLAUSE in his custody contract. 1.4500 0.04742 200 135 42 23
523 Who’s a good boy?” My client doesn’t have to answer that. 1.4500 0.05078 160 101 46 13
524 And you agree to continue to work from home to be available for treats, tummy rubs and walks during the day 1.4497 0.05168 169 110 42 17
525 I'm sorry, but you've tested positive for cat hairs. 1.4491 0.05143 167 108 43 16
526 My client insists that you never threw the ball. 1.4490 0.04866 196 129 46 21
527 Sign here. There ya go. Good man. Good man. 1.4489 0.04952 176 113 47 16
528 This affidavit states you acknowledge that he is in fact "a good boy" and this document is a cease and desist order regarding repetition of said question. 1.4487 0.05326 156 101 40 15
529 Turn to Section 3, paragraph 4, my client would like to discuss the usage of the word, "fixed." 1.4481 0.05531 154 102 35 17
530 I’ve written down a number that will keep my client quiet 1.4481 0.05296 154 99 41 14
531 It’s just your standard pre-pup. 1.4479 0.04626 192 124 51 17
532 He claims he was a good boy,is a good boy,and will always be as good boy. 1.4479 0.04567 192 123 53 16
533 My client wants the house. He says you can keep the cat and the vacuum cleaner. 1.4472 0.04811 199 131 47 21
534 My client knows about the other dog. You're being sued for infidolity. 1.4472 0.04915 199 133 43 23
535 My client says you can keep the squeaky toys as long as he gets the house. 1.4472 0.04977 161 101 48 12
536 Now, moving on to the bone of contention... 1.4470 0.04274 217 136 65 16
537 He wants half your bed and the couch on weekends. 1.4462 0.04821 186 120 49 17
538 He's willing to settle out of court for a slice of Havarti 1.4462 0.04998 186 123 43 20
539 My client is prepared to settle for extra kibble and termination of the vacuum cleaner 1.4462 0.04604 195 124 55 16
540 It's the same agreement. We only added the doghouse in the Hamptons and the NDA. 1.4460 0.04602 213 142 48 23
541 You can keep the house,but the tennis balls are a non-negotiable. 1.4456 0.04808 193 126 48 19
542 He gets the couch 1.4452 0.05025 155 102 39 14
543 As I understand it, Rover here wants a pre-pup agreement. 1.4451 0.04944 173 111 47 15
544 My client says that you called him a “bad boy” and is suing for defamation 1.4451 0.05273 173 116 37 20
545 Aside from the property settlement, you need to stipulate that she is a "good dog". 1.4450 0.04739 200 131 49 20
546 He'll agree not to pee on the carpet if you agree that he won't be fixed. 1.4444 0.04522 189 118 58 13
547 We think you’ll find the treats clause quite generous. 1.4444 0.04266 189 114 66 9
548 And finally, he wants to be referred to as an acquaintance, not your best friend. 1.4444 0.05318 153 99 40 14
549 You will find that this settlement offer reflects the degree of emotional distress endured by my client. Next time just throw the ball." 1.4439 0.05035 187 125 41 21
550 Sign here. Your wife goes to the dog. 1.4439 0.04801 187 121 49 17
551 Thank you for waiting while we fetched these. 1.4438 0.04836 160 99 51 10
552 My client might not be such a good boy next time. 1.4437 0.04940 151 93 49 9
553 He will only consent to adoption if you guarantee his reproductive rights in writing. 1.4437 0.05201 151 96 43 12
554 Then it's settled. He gets your home and you get his. 1.4433 0.04789 194 132 40 22
555 The lounge set is yours, but my client will be retaining ownership of your socks. 1.4432 0.05205 176 118 38 20
556 We've gone over this. She gets the house. You get the cat. 1.4427 0.04992 192 131 38 23
557 Before you adopt him, he insists on a prepuptial. 1.4426 0.04875 183 124 39 20
558 maybe you shouldn't have called her a bitch... 1.4424 0.04745 217 147 44 26
559 All he really wants is the doghouse in the Hamptons. 1.4421 0.04918 190 126 44 20
560 He says that if you want the raise, you'll have to beg for it. 1.4420 0.05036 181 120 42 19
561 Since you've been working at home he's been on the computer more than you, so we're giving him your job. 1.4419 0.05229 172 115 38 19
562 His last condition would be to drink out of your toilet every other weekend. 1.4419 0.05229 172 115 38 19
563 We're here because he has a bone to pick with you 1.4417 0.05301 163 108 38 17
564 Bill, I think Duffy's offer to keep quiet about everything he's seen is quite reasonable and quite affordable. 1.4416 0.05292 154 105 32 17
565 And you get the cat. 1.4414 0.05696 145 97 32 16
566 My client has added a lot of 'commands' he feels are degrading and will not comply with. 1.4413 0.04344 179 108 63 8
567 You were right about your job being so easy your dog could do it. 1.4412 0.05468 170 117 31 22
568 He feels you haven't been much of a best friend. 1.4409 0.04308 186 113 64 9
569 He says you feed him dog food. 1.4402 0.04736 209 140 46 23
570 To finalize this adoption we'll need your signature on this agreement which states you'll refrain, in perpetuity, from referring to my client as a rescue. 1.4390 0.05204 164 108 40 16
571 He's holding out for additional belly rubs. 1.4389 0.04398 180 110 61 9
572 In this case I have a Fidociary responsibility to my client 1.4389 0.05055 180 120 41 19
573 My client has a bone to pick 1.4388 0.05604 139 91 35 13
574 Sorry, you're too old for the part. Rover wants someone like Timmy as his best friend. 1.4387 0.05185 155 100 42 13
575 He is offering you the leash,the dead mouse,and the chew toy. He gets the house. 1.4386 0.05117 171 113 41 17
576 If you fail to sign this final agreement, I 'm authorized to roll it up, hit you on the nose, and say, 'Bad human, bad human.' 1.4381 0.04571 210 138 52 20
577 On behalf of my client, who's a good boy now? 1.4379 0.04804 153 94 51 8
578 Rex demands that you no longer work from home. 1.4379 0.04951 169 109 46 14
579 My client objects to your use of the term "fixed". 1.4379 0.05091 169 111 42 16
580 He'll agree to 3 bones a week and equal share of the bed. 1.4375 0.04812 176 113 49 14
581 And to be clear, the maintenance term is in dog years. 1.4372 0.04871 183 120 46 17
582 It's agreed, no more neutering talk, no chewed slippers. 1.4371 0.05408 167 114 33 20
583 Not exactly... we prefer to call them "Go for a walk" papers. 1.4371 0.04658 151 91 54 6
584 My client would like to renegotiate the terms of his leash. 1.4368 0.04800 190 125 47 18
585 The "No barking" clause is a deal breaker. 1.4368 0.04985 174 114 44 16
586 This may come back to bite you. 1.4367 0.05034 158 101 45 12
587 We are redefining what it means to work like a dog. 1.4365 0.05225 126 77 43 6
588 when you see the amount he’s written I think you’ll agree he’s probably not your best friend “ 1.4365 0.04783 181 117 49 15
589 I’m sorry, no. You are not the good boy. 1.4364 0.05250 165 110 38 17
590 He wants you to agree to continue working from home for at least another year. 1.4357 0.05288 140 89 41 10
591 I have decided to take the case pro bone. 1.4356 0.05224 163 108 39 16
592 Under the reciprocity clause of the adoption agreement, it’s your turn to be neutered. 1.4356 0.05575 163 113 29 21
593 And my client requests that he be remunerated for any attention, adoration, or affection you may receive from the use of his image or likeness on social media…treats being the preferred means of payment. 1.4355 0.04660 186 127 40 19
594 You get all the toys--but he wants the big house. 1.4354 0.05551 147 98 34 15
595 He's firm. Belly rubs and no baths are non-negotiable. 1.4352 0.04688 193 126 50 17
596 By signing this you agree to work from home until termination, or death depending upon which occurs first. 1.4351 0.05896 131 90 26 15
597 My client says that during “work-from-home” days that you took part in a mysterious third meal, of which he was not previously made aware…something called “lunch”. 1.4351 0.05522 154 104 33 17
598 His offer is in Bitcoin 1.4350 0.04857 177 115 47 15
599 It’s the standard prenup giving 50% of the assets and all of the tug toys. 1.4350 0.04345 200 131 53 16
600 He's still mad about the do it yourself neuter kit. 1.4348 0.04850 184 121 46 17
601 Sir, this will be anything but a walk in the park. 1.4346 0.04664 191 124 51 16
602 You, sir, have said your final "bad dog." 1.4346 0.04780 191 126 47 18
603 I misunderstood your desire to sue the bitch, Mr. Smith. 1.4345 0.04969 168 114 37 17
604 You're being fired because you're not a good boy. 1.4340 0.05089 159 103 43 13
605 See Spot. See Spot win arbitration. 1.4340 0.05166 159 104 41 14
606 Now that you're back in the office, let me remind you of our dress code and no pet policy 1.4340 0.05466 159 108 33 18
607 YOU drop it. 1.4338 0.05969 136 93 27 16
608 He wants to keep the squeaky toys. 1.4333 0.04863 180 118 46 16
609 He has asked me to hand you your walking papers. 1.4333 0.05043 150 95 45 10
610 … and said ball to be retrieved solely by thrower. 1.4333 0.05302 150 98 39 13
611 You had HIM fixed; fair is fair. 1.4331 0.05213 157 103 40 14
612 Either way,he gets the bone. 1.4330 0.04612 194 126 52 16
613 And you get custody of the cat. 1.4327 0.04542 171 109 52 10
614 He's mostly asking you to stop calling him, "Buddy. 1.4324 0.05266 148 96 40 12
615 "It says that you agree to be neutered as well for the sake of this relationship." 1.4323 0.04703 192 126 49 17
616 I promise this pre-pup in no way diminishes Sparky’s love for you 1.4322 0.04801 199 134 44 21
617 Mr. Fido's request is quite reasonable. When you throw the ball it must actually leave your hand. 1.4320 0.05604 125 80 36 9
618 It’s a simple separation agreement. He recognizes that you’re just not a dog person. 1.4315 0.05226 146 94 41 11
619 I'm afraid that your wife's will has left everything to your dog. 1.4314 0.04886 153 96 48 9
620 This is his ruff draft. 1.4314 0.04505 204 133 54 17
621 It's a pretty standard rollover. 1.4314 0.05059 153 98 44 11
622 My client is demanding real grass to pee on and a better name than "Stash" 1.4312 0.05217 160 106 39 15
623 My client is willing to throw you a bone, so to speak 1.4312 0.05292 160 107 37 16
624 My client asked me to convey that he knew it was over when you subscribed to the digital edition, despite knowing full-well how much he enjoyed fetching the newspaper in the morning. 1.4311 0.05404 167 115 32 20
625 It's just a bunch of beagle-ese. 1.4311 0.05059 167 110 42 15
626 You can have the vacuum and the cat. He gets everything else including your shoes and all the bacon. There will also be mandatory belly rubs on Fridays. 1.4305 0.05520 151 102 33 16
627 She says she can't sign this. It doesn't pass the sniff test. 1.4296 0.05811 135 91 30 14
628 He wants to start seeing other people. 1.4296 0.05689 142 96 31 15
629 He doesn’t want to do the rollover. 1.4294 0.04997 163 106 44 13
630 Full visitation rights, a lifetime supply of kibble, and a five-year waiver on the no humping rule. 1.4294 0.05063 170 113 41 16
631 You signed this pre-pup, Greg. She's not asking for the kids. Just your trash, every week, for a lifetime. 1.4293 0.04417 191 124 55 12
632 I can assure you,it is a standard Pre-Pup agreement 1.4293 0.04777 191 127 46 18
633 My client is not going to roll over for these petty contract demands! 1.4286 0.04603 189 125 48 16
634 Leave it ... leave it ... leave it ... Take it! 1.4286 0.05106 168 112 40 16
635 This is his final offer; all walks longer than ten minutes, scratchies whenever he wants and no bargain brand food ever 1.4278 0.04922 180 120 43 17
636 Two walks a day. Final offer. 1.4278 0.05228 180 125 33 22
637 My client and I have agreed that I will work pro-bone-o. 1.4277 0.05006 166 109 43 14
638 My client agrees to up to three “”Sits” and “Roll Overs” a day; to be followed by treats; but categorically rejects the “beg” and “play dead” proposals. 1.4277 0.05220 166 112 37 17
639 His estate goes to his family, but he's leaving you a bone. 1.4276 0.05247 145 94 40 11
640 The bowl, the collar, the chew toy...he's leaving you all of it. 1.4271 0.04699 192 127 48 17
641 And this one states that you know EXACTLY who’s a good boy. 1.4269 0.05175 171 116 37 18
642 It's a binding seven-year contract. Well, only one year for Fido, of course. 1.4268 0.05194 164 110 38 16
643 He claims you've been treating him like a dog. 1.4266 0.05657 143 97 31 15
644 If it's any consolation - you were our second choice. 1.4265 0.05681 136 91 32 13
645 He wants 2 walks a day a day and more dog bones... 1.4259 0.04618 162 104 49 9
646 You get the cats. 1.4254 0.04264 181 114 58 9
647 My client says be a good boy and sign this. 1.4250 0.05059 160 105 42 13
648 Your turn to get neutered. 1.4248 0.05768 153 108 25 20
649 You should have read the terms of the pre-pup agreement. 1.4247 0.04620 186 121 51 14
650 Solid resume sir, but we threw him a bone and he jumped at the offer. 1.4245 0.05304 139 92 36 11
651 As a part of the settlement, he wants the dog house and his testicles back. 1.4244 0.05345 172 120 31 21
652 Sign here and you'll no longer be man and man's best friend. 1.4244 0.05017 172 115 41 16
653 I’m afraid “fetching” is off the table. 1.4242 0.05171 132 83 42 7
654 I'm sure you both want what's best for the pupies. 1.4242 0.04798 165 106 48 11
655 My client specifically remembers you saying, 'tutored'. 1.4242 0.05024 165 109 42 14
656 You can have everything, he just wants the doghouse. 1.4241 0.04535 191 127 49 15
657 He shouldn’t have to beg for you to sign this. 1.4238 0.05011 151 97 44 10
658 My client will accept a signature in lieu of a paw print. 1.4233 0.05214 163 110 37 16
659 He gets Marsha; you get the cat. 1.4229 0.04545 201 133 51 17
660 Since you were always in it with your ex, he’s giving you the doghouse. 1.4229 0.05019 175 118 40 17
661 Here are your walking papers. 1.4226 0.05170 168 114 37 17
662 Your parents left him the estate, but he says you're always welcome to visit if you give him advance notice. 1.4225 0.05594 142 96 32 14
663 He uses Dogusign. 1.4224 0.05891 116 76 31 9
664 Well Dan, as of today, its no longer your business who's a good boy. 1.4222 0.05804 135 92 29 14
665 At your previous job, would you say you were a good boy? 1.4221 0.04898 199 138 38 23
666 Sign and he'll bury his bone of contention and bark up another tree. 1.4217 0.05000 166 110 42 14
667 Rex gets the house and a monthly allowance of $2,000. You get the custody of the cat who started all this... 1.4214 0.05830 140 97 27 16
668 …and you agree to further acknowledge that in fact he *is* a “good boy”. 1.4214 0.05232 159 107 37 15
669 Well, for one thing, he's had all his vaccinations. 1.4213 0.05020 178 121 39 18
670 You get to keep your wife, but my client Wolfie will have sole custody of the children. 1.4211 0.05769 133 90 30 13
671 My client reminds you it is a dog eat dog world. 1.4207 0.04959 145 92 45 8
672 It's a restraining order" 1.4204 0.05356 157 107 34 16
673 For a settlement agreement we'll need a list of all your assets, buried or unburied. 1.4203 0.05326 138 90 38 10
674 I’m sorry, but he’s playing hard squeaky ball on this one. 1.4201 0.05077 169 114 39 16
675 We would like to know what the phrase “good boy” means to you. 1.4195 0.04903 174 116 43 15
676 He's suing you for telling your wife, 'It was the Dog." 1.4191 0.05479 136 90 35 11
677 3 bones per day is actually quite reasonable for a pre-puptual agreement. 1.4190 0.04934 179 121 41 17
678 He suggests you two split the bed. He gets the foot. 1.4189 0.05075 148 96 42 10
679 Before you sign, let’s just be clear on our definition of ‘liquidated damages’. 1.4187 0.05206 160 108 37 15
680 Please sign here that HR had this discussion with you and that you will no longer refer to Mr. Dog as “boy” in any professional setting henceforth. 1.4186 0.05011 172 116 40 16
681 Did you have any intent on throwing the ball when you maliciously deceived my client? 1.4182 0.04907 165 116 32 17
682 Before we hire you, Max would like you to write a short essay about possible solutions to the rising cat population in the city. 1.4179 0.04910 201 141 36 24
683 OK. To sweeten the deal, we want to throw you a bone. 1.4178 0.05121 146 95 41 10
684 It's your standard prepup agreement. 1.4177 0.05017 158 104 42 12
685 In order to compensate you for the unfortunate 'leg incident,' Mr. Barks will require you to sign this non-disclosure agreement. 1.4176 0.05053 170 115 39 16
686 It's "Give a dog a bone," not "Give a dog a boner." You'll be paying for that mistake for decades. 1.4173 0.05583 139 94 32 13
687 It’s a non-negotiable, the cat has to go. 1.4172 0.05508 151 104 31 16
688 She knew it was over when you came home smelling like catnip. 1.4172 0.04590 163 103 52 8
689 He says it is time for you to roll over. 1.4167 0.04748 192 130 44 18
690 And here’s a list of commands I’ll be using with you. 1.4167 0.05377 156 107 33 16
691 Yes, well that's the thing about the Internet. Regardless, you should have known my client was a dog. 1.4162 0.05186 173 120 34 19
692 Canned food daily, the dog park at least 3 days a week and you can't make that cringe face when you pick up his poop. It's all right here in the contract. 1.4161 0.05348 137 90 37 10
693 She thinks if you throw the ball away,you should be the one to fetch it. 1.4161 0.05348 137 90 37 10
694 In exchange for unconditional love, my client demands access to the nice sofa. 1.4152 0.04960 171 115 41 15
695 She wants you to sign a pre-pup. 1.4151 0.04830 159 103 46 10
696 My client is not rolling over. 1.4151 0.04830 159 103 46 10
697 As his role has expanded from Man's Best Friend to Emotional Support dog, Lucky would like to discuss his cookie distribution. 1.4150 0.05274 147 98 37 12
698 As agreed, steak every day, sleeps on the big bed, more dog toys, goes with you on all vacations - and get a new girlfriend. 1.4146 0.05764 123 82 31 10
699 He doesn't want to be your best friend anymore. 1.4145 0.05151 152 101 39 12
700 Unfortunately, the 401K-9 is non-negotiable. 1.4140 0.04656 157 102 46 9
701 He agrees to give up the ball if you acknowledge he's a good boy. 1.4140 0.04734 186 125 45 16
702 Just sign here. There's a good boy. 1.4138 0.05672 145 101 28 16
703 No, actually pre-pup agreements like this have become quite common. 1.4138 0.04760 174 115 46 13
704 All of our applicants are thoroughly vetted. 1.4136 0.04965 162 110 38 14
705 Stop snoring and he'll stop barking. 1.4135 0.05559 133 89 33 11
706 He claims he did not eat your homework. 1.4135 0.05350 133 87 37 9
707 It turns out his bark isn’t worse than his bite.” 1.4132 0.04971 167 112 41 14
708 I'm working pro bone-o." 1.4132 0.05184 167 115 35 17
709 Fluffy sites irreconcilable differences due to your refusal to part with the vacuum and the cat. 1.4130 0.05608 138 94 31 13
710 He said you gave his children away and didn’t properly compensate him. 1.4130 0.05187 184 131 30 23
711 he gets the backyard, you can keep the house 1.4129 0.05079 155 103 40 12
712 Any property damaged by chewing was instinctual and without malice so will not be reimbursed 1.4127 0.05494 126 85 31 10
713 And lastly, you will refrain from the b-word. 1.4125 0.04511 160 108 41 11
714 My advice is to roll over 1.4125 0.04807 160 104 46 10
715 It's his emancipation papers. In dog years he is 21. 1.4124 0.04837 177 119 43 15
716 It’s your choice. Our severance package or the dog. 1.4121 0.05157 165 113 36 16
717 You're being sued for repeatedly faking the ball throw. 1.4121 0.04862 165 109 44 12
718 All he wants is custody of the kids and the tennis ball. 1.4115 0.04507 192 127 51 14
719 And further more , you throw it you fetch it. 1.4114 0.05168 158 107 37 14
720 He just wants to be best friends with another man. 1.4109 0.05678 129 87 31 11
721 Rover just wants to cut the leash and move on. 1.4109 0.05460 129 85 35 9
722 I’m sorry but we’re giving the promotion to someone who displays a little more loyalty. 1.4109 0.05887 129 89 27 13
723 As part of your severance package, we are offering you an emotional support dog 1.4106 0.05255 151 102 36 13
724 You'll find the paperwork is in order. My client is leaving you, though he's willing to amicably split custody of your wife. 1.4106 0.05255 151 102 36 13
725 Sorry sir, but your dog will have custody of the children. 1.4101 0.05287 139 92 37 10
726 Who rescued whom, indeed? 1.4101 0.05668 139 96 29 14
727 Then it's agreed - my client gets the house, you get the crate. 1.4097 0.05113 144 97 36 11
728 ... And you agree to rethink the name "Fluffy." 1.4094 0.05739 127 86 30 11
729 Can you handle reporting to a female? 1.4094 0.05629 127 85 32 10
730 The cat won't be necessary any longer. 1.4094 0.05217 149 100 37 12
731 Answer one question: Who's a good boy?" 1.4094 0.05217 149 100 37 12
732 My client does not wish to speak at this time. 1.4094 0.05224 171 120 32 19
733 Unfortunately, your mother left her entire estate to her cherished companion sitting on my left. 1.4091 0.05886 132 92 26 14
734 ... two hundred pounds of kibble annually, and the dog house in the Hamptons. 1.4091 0.05372 132 87 36 9
735 He doesn’t want to be your best friend. 1.4091 0.05818 110 72 31 7
736 Include the doghouse in the Hamptons or we walk away. 1.4091 0.05098 154 103 39 12
737 My client agrees to share custody of the backyard and reserves visitation rights every other weekend to drink from the toilet. 1.4091 0.05372 132 87 36 9
738 No dry food and quit saying "heel" and we have a deal. 1.4088 0.04985 159 106 41 12
739 I’m sorry but she wants sole custody of the squeaky toy. 1.4083 0.05065 169 116 37 16
740 This complaint states that for the past two years my client has been unduly burdened by being forced to retrieve tennis balls which you were attempting to throw away in a public park." 1.4082 0.05086 147 97 40 10
741 Organic treats. Private kennel. And a daily brushing. That’s our final offer. 1.4082 0.05440 147 101 32 14
742 And finally, this states you agree my client is not broken and so does not need to be "fixed." 1.4080 0.05576 125 83 33 9
743 He would like to present a flea bargain for your review 1.4079 0.05143 152 107 30 15
744 Being a pandemic puppy, he had every right to expect you'd never leave the house. 1.4076 0.04946 157 104 42 11
745 My client would like all the dog food, his frisbee, and half the socks and tennis balls in this separation 1.4076 0.05028 157 105 40 12
746 He asks that you just be a good boy and sign it, Craig. 1.4076 0.04702 184 124 45 15
747 My client claims that on the 25th of last month you forced him to wear a Christmas sweater and booties. 1.4071 0.05450 140 95 33 12
748 Is this the unfinished homework you are accusing my client of eating" 1.4071 0.05635 140 97 29 14
749 We are keeping your dog on board; he's good for company morale. But we have to let you go because you are not. 1.4068 0.05396 177 129 24 24
750 Here's our best offer: you stop delivering the mail and he agrees to stop biting you. 1.4062 0.05810 128 88 28 12
751 The main thing we're looking for here is loyalty. 1.4060 0.05341 133 88 36 9
752 Congratulations! The search to fill the position of Quality Control Inspector in our pet food division has narrowed to two candidates. 1.4060 0.05550 133 90 32 11
753 How much is that doggie in the window, you ask? I'm going to show you a number. 1.4056 0.05180 143 95 38 10
754 Sorry, but the Frisbee is non-negotiable. 1.4056 0.04641 180 120 47 13
755 Online, no one knows he’s a dog. 1.4050 0.05699 121 81 31 9
756 My client is a very good boy and is hereby demanding the following. 1.4049 0.04616 163 113 37 13
757 The fire hydrant is non-negotiable. 1.4049 0.05048 163 111 38 14
758 These are his non-negotiables should you wish to adopt him. 1.4048 0.05875 126 87 27 12
759 With this document, you agree that he's a good boy'. 1.4048 0.05766 126 86 29 11
760 Unconditional love at affordable prices. 1.4041 0.05286 146 99 35 12
761 Our offer - He gets use of the dog house, the kids every other weekend and unlimited freedom to chase all the squirrels in your backyard 1.4041 0.05286 146 99 35 12
762 Before we proceed, you must stipulate that Fluffy is, ipso facto, “a good boy”. 1.4040 0.05162 151 102 37 12
763 By signing, you agree to remove all fences, physical and invisible. 1.4040 0.05076 151 101 39 11
764 My client requests more stick throwing during the week. 1.4038 0.04963 156 104 41 11
765 I'm happy to tell you, you've passed the sniff test. 1.4038 0.04963 156 104 41 11
766 My client directs me to serve your walking papers. 1.4035 0.04434 171 115 45 11
767 We agree to pay the amount specified for the leg humping incident but I'll need you to sign a non-disclosure agreement, 1.4034 0.04779 176 119 43 14
768 The tennis balls are all yours, but my client is adamant about the squeaky toy 1.4034 0.04913 176 121 39 16
769 My client is also asking for the return of his testicles. 1.4034 0.06123 119 83 24 12
770 My client would like you to put in writing that he is a good dog. 1.4033 0.04816 181 124 41 16
771 It’s our standard pre-pup. 1.4032 0.05482 124 82 34 8
772 It's like we don't speak the same language sometimes. 1.4031 0.05560 129 87 32 10
773 Sparky is telling me your vaccinations are not up to date. 1.4031 0.05980 129 91 24 14
774 Trust me. When you read the list of demands you’ll stop referring to my client as ‘good boy’. 1.4030 0.05309 134 89 36 9
775 It's to verify that you're a good boy. 1.4029 0.05376 139 94 34 11
776 He’s willing to negotiate child custody, but from now on you have to chase the mailman. 1.4027 0.05464 149 104 30 15
777 And in this one,my client stipulates that you must take the cat. 1.4026 0.05413 154 108 30 16
778 It's a standard 'Prepup' --stipulating for three walks daily and couch access 1.4025 0.04937 159 109 37 13
779 Walk my client or my client is walking." 1.4024 0.04871 164 110 42 12
780 Final offer: You agree to get fixed as punishment for getting this good boy fixed or we take this to trial. 1.4023 0.05150 174 123 32 19
781 Final offer; he's late for doggie daycare. 1.4023 0.04268 174 120 42 12
782 Yes,when the dog dies,you are the primary beneficiary. It’s all explained here. 1.4019 0.05918 107 71 29 7
783 You must have heard your mother say he's a member of the family a thousand times. I'd take this offer. 1.4016 0.06122 122 86 23 13
784 He wants custody of your wife. 1.4015 0.05974 132 94 23 15
785 Remember: while you were out earning a high wage for ten years, he was at home being a good dog. 1.4015 0.05124 137 90 39 8
786 The contract, like Max, is fixed. 1.4014 0.05199 142 95 37 10
787 I advise you not to pick a bone with my client. 1.4012 0.04912 162 109 41 12
788 He wants to live with your wife. 1.4012 0.05501 162 117 25 20
789 You have two weeks to train your replacement. 1.4012 0.05215 162 113 33 16
790 She's willing to settle for treats. 1.4000 0.04675 170 113 46 11
791 Don't get too upset. The salary is calculated in dog years. 1.4000 0.04915 150 99 42 9
792 I'm sorry but Jack says you just don't pass the smell test. 1.4000 0.05345 140 95 34 11
793 Try an offer worthy of your best friend. 1.4000 0.04998 165 113 38 14
794 It's just like a prenup, but covers puppy support and the doghouse. 1.4000 0.04835 130 82 44 4
795 He handles our rollovers. 1.4000 0.05525 130 88 32 10
796 She doesn’t insist on a full pre-nup but she does need a firm commitment you won’t return her to the kennel after Covid. 1.3990 0.04650 203 142 41 20
797 If you’ll just sign here, the pooch will have your wife on alternate weekends. 1.3987 0.05153 158 109 35 14
798 In this offer, he retains full custody of the good blanket but we feel this number of dogs treats is quite generous. 1.3987 0.05153 158 109 35 14
799 Are you ready to be a good boy? 1.3986 0.05357 143 98 33 12
800 He may be your best friend now,but a prenuptial agreement is still a good idea 1.3986 0.05357 143 98 33 12
801 The neutering clause is unacceptable unless it is mutual. 1.3985 0.05840 133 94 25 14
802 He says you’re no longer his best friend either. 1.3985 0.05436 133 90 33 10
803 Now beg. 1.3984 0.05243 128 84 37 7
804 And he gets to pick your name 1.3975 0.05380 161 115 28 18
805 I think we can do this amicably...Fido just wants the doghouse, that big ham bone in the fridge and the upstairs toilet. Okay? 1.3974 0.05239 151 104 34 13
806 Your application doesn't pass the smell test. 1.3972 0.05409 141 97 32 12
807 My client will agree to the bark collar as long as you wear a speech collar so he can zap you every time you say something stupid. 1.3971 0.05451 136 93 32 11
808 Sorry - doesn't pass the sniff test. 1.3969 0.05384 131 88 34 9
809 It's not a big ask... just throw him a bone. 1.3968 0.05530 126 85 32 9
810 My client cannot be your emotional support animal until he's financially supported. 1.3961 0.05081 154 105 37 12
811 If you want a divorce, he insists on going with your wife, 1.3961 0.05081 154 105 37 12
812 Come on, Sign. Sign, sign, siiiggn…come on be a good boy. 1.3960 0.04932 149 99 41 9
813 We've whittled the candidates to the two of you. As the final step, we need to see you both eat this homework. 1.3960 0.05456 149 105 29 15
814 We take our adoptions very seriously. 1.3958 0.05506 144 101 29 14
815 As your dog's legal representative, I must inform you that "Good Boy" is no longer sufficient. Henceforth, he shall be referred to as "Spike, the Best Dog in the Whole Wide World". 1.3958 0.05046 144 96 39 9
816 Whereas, my client agrees he was at one time man's best friend, it's now clear the relationship has taken a turn and it's best for all parties to accept the current reality. Or, said another way, 'Go fetch yourself.' 1.3958 0.05680 144 103 25 16
817 So, are you going to be OK reporting to a dog? 1.3952 0.05022 167 116 36 15
818 My client wants you to be constantly available. 1.3952 0.05093 167 117 34 16
819 Now we'll see who wants to be a good boy 1.3951 0.05058 162 112 36 14
820 Due to years of pretending to throw something during fetch and asking Toby where it went in a cute voice, my client would like full custody of his squeaker toy. 1.3950 0.06111 119 84 23 12
821 He's willing to forego his half of the Hampton's house in exchange for the rest of the wet food. 1.3949 0.04930 157 106 40 11
822 Once you sign, Rover will be officially awarded custody of your ex-wife. 1.3947 0.05294 152 106 32 14
823 He’s good with you getting the bed, but the couch and the corner chair are his! 1.3946 0.04880 147 97 42 8
824 Kiki wants all the dog houses,including Cape Cod. 1.3944 0.04694 180 123 43 14
825 My client Mr. Snurffles emphasizes that the belly rub clause is non-negotiable. 1.3944 0.04943 142 96 37 9
826 This contract gives her 70% of the profits from social media, merchandise, memes and personal appearances as a pet influencer. 1.3944 0.05092 142 95 38 9
827 A lifetime of devotion for food and walks -- I'd take it. 1.3944 0.05285 142 97 34 11
828 He'll take the doghouse, along with with dog biscuits for life. 1.3939 0.05666 132 92 28 12
829 Be thankful. You're getting a significantly better deal than the cat. 1.3938 0.04783 160 107 43 10
830 We don’t give bonuses but we do give lots of treats. 1.3933 0.05085 150 102 37 11
831 Ruffles has already marked all the territory she wants to keep in the divorce. 1.3932 0.05816 117 80 28 9
832 You will now be contractually obligated to be best friends. 1.3931 0.04922 145 96 41 8
833 If you sign Ruxton here on as 'Carne Dog Food' taster, one of you doesn't have to wear a tie ever again. 1.3929 0.06387 112 80 20 12
834 He claims you humped his leg first. 1.3929 0.05335 140 96 33 11
835 As part of mediation, Mr. Whiskers proposes that if you choose his sweaters, he gets to choose yours 1.3926 0.05267 135 91 35 9
836 ... and you stipulate that Bonkers is, in fact, a very good boy. 1.3923 0.05514 130 89 31 10
837 All standard stuff: Walks per day, supply of slippers to chew. 1.3919 0.05131 148 101 36 11
838 My client is asking the studio for twenty million upfront cash, twenty percent of the first-dollar gross, and of course no vacuum cleaners on set. 1.3913 0.06012 115 80 25 10
839 We also offer a 401 K9 plan... 1.3909 0.06071 110 76 25 9
840 My client thinks the time for talk about better kibble has passed. 1.3906 0.05111 128 84 38 6
841 I believe we can make this work, but my client would also like you to throw in the couch. 1.3906 0.05572 128 88 30 10
842 So, no contact during the separation phase...of course, you'll still need to pick up poop. 1.3905 0.04830 169 121 32 16
843 He claims you kept him on a pretty tight leash. 1.3902 0.05244 123 81 36 6
844 This is our best offer. Give it a sniff. 1.3902 0.04184 123 81 39 3
845 My client is suing on the grounds of emotional abuse and verbal harassment. Does the nickname “Mr. Poopy Butt” ring any bells? 1.3901 0.05257 141 99 30 12
846 We are willing to concede all demands for one thing: the cat has to go. 1.3897 0.05441 136 94 31 11
847 Sorry to start late. He had to circle his chair three times. 1.3895 0.04697 172 117 43 12
848 The 'no cats' clause is non-negotiable. 1.3893 0.05372 131 89 33 9
849 To conclude the interview, my colleague Rex here will sniff your butt. 1.3893 0.05372 131 89 33 9
850 Take it or leave it. My client's days of begging are over. 1.3893 0.05372 131 89 33 9
851 And then we come to the issue of snacks… 1.3893 0.05013 149 101 38 10
852 My client is generously offering you the leash, crate, and nail clippers. He asks only for the liver treats, squeaky ball, and ongoing use of the dog walker. 1.3889 0.05517 126 86 31 9
853 We just don't think you're a dog person. 1.3889 0.05709 108 72 30 6
854 This memorializes your agreement to relinquish all claims to alpha-dog status in exchange for a 30% reduction in unprovoked barking. 1.3889 0.05036 144 97 38 9
855 He said you have separation anxiety. 1.3885 0.05356 139 96 32 11
856 If you don't agree to her terms she's prepared to walk. 1.3884 0.06140 121 87 21 13
857 If you would, scratch and sniff here. 1.3882 0.04949 170 119 36 15
858 Under these terms of the divorce, he'll keep the sofa but you can have the cat. 1.3882 0.04764 152 106 35 11
859 Unfortunately,not being allowed on the couch IS grounds for divorce. 1.3882 0.04944 152 103 39 10
860 We'll hire you if you pass the sniff test. 1.3881 0.05495 134 93 30 11
861 She likes you a lot but she still wants you to sign a pre-puptual agreement. 1.3881 0.05287 134 91 34 9
862 And by signing here you acknowledge that Meatball does get your wife in the divorce. 1.3878 0.05239 147 102 33 12
863 He's claiming negligence as regards your abrupt return to the office. 1.3876 0.05537 129 89 30 10
864 He gets the cat every other weekend. 1.3876 0.05537 129 89 30 10
865 Mr. Fluffers wants to retain custody of his bowl, his house, and your favorite slippers. He says you can keep the tub if things remain civil. 1.3875 0.05093 160 112 34 14
866 My client proposes increasing fetch to three times each week and adding recliner privileges. 1.3874 0.05456 111 73 33 5
867 You're our first Emotional Support Human...Sign here! 1.3874 0.05748 111 75 29 7
868 Remember, she is no longer your best friend 1.3873 0.04777 142 93 43 6
869 It's either her or the cat. Your choice. Final offer. 1.3871 0.05692 124 86 28 10
870 As per the prenup, anything he peed on in the course of the relationship is his. 1.3871 0.04877 155 105 40 10
871 He gets to neuter you in the settlement 1.3869 0.05408 137 95 31 11
872 A hand print will do... 1.3869 0.05603 137 97 27 13
873 He's willing to take on your case pro bono. 1.3868 0.06226 106 74 23 9
874 He wants you to know it's him- not you 1.3867 0.05333 150 106 30 14
875 Max would like you to stop stealing his poop, and splitting his treats in half. 1.3866 0.05612 119 81 30 8
876 What will it be? Couples counseling or obedience school? 1.3862 0.05196 145 100 34 11
877 She wants the woof over your head too. 1.3860 0.06293 114 82 20 12
878 While I think you have great qualifications Rex has some further questions. 1.3857 0.05227 140 96 34 10
879 And for compensation, he'd like you to have your testicles removed. 1.3857 0.05514 140 99 28 13
880 Surely you agree that we need more diversity on the board. 1.3857 0.05420 140 98 30 12
881 This one addresses my client's slander lawsuit related to your long history of "dog ate it" allegations. 1.3857 0.05027 140 94 38 8
882 I’m glad your dog brought you comfort in quarantine and I enjoyed meeting him. However, you did not need to bring him to your interview. 1.3852 0.05755 122 85 27 10
883 You must agree that bitches be crazy. 1.3852 0.05758 135 97 24 14
884 My client requires written confirmation of who, in fact, is a good boy. 1.3851 0.04750 161 109 42 10
885 Fluffy wants a divorce unless you stop breaking the treats into smaller pieces. 1.3846 0.05928 117 82 25 10
886 Here are the terms of the divorce. The Vacuum cleaner goes, access to the toilet bowl remains. Walkies on demand. You are allowed to stay in the house, all dog food henceforward is canned. 1.3846 0.05429 143 101 29 13
887 He finds "Whose a good boy?" demeaning and power driven. 1.3846 0.05244 143 99 33 11
888 He also wants the beach house and joint custody of the small humans. 1.3841 0.05304 151 107 30 14
889 Unconditional loyalty only goes so far. Bringing home even a stray cat cannot be tolerated. 1.3841 0.05847 138 101 21 16
890 Buddy would like to keep your slippers. 1.3841 0.05376 138 96 31 11
891 Yes,but for her it was 28 years,which entitles her to more of the common property. 1.3841 0.05277 138 95 33 10
892 If you’ll refer to pawnote 2 on page 43…” 1.3838 0.06042 99 67 26 6
893 He will give up the house and car, but the tennis balls and pee carpet are non-negotiable. 1.3838 0.06533 99 70 20 9
894 This will end the pet and pet owner best friend relationship. 1.3832 0.05734 107 72 29 6
895 This will only take a minute. My client can’t stay long. 1.3832 0.06034 107 74 25 8
896 …and in exchange, you agree not to attempt to teach him any more new tricks. 1.3831 0.04805 154 104 41 9
897 My client insists you still haven't clarified your position on cats. 1.3824 0.05119 136 92 36 8
898 This is a codicil to the fifth paragraph concerning Rule 3 negating the need to come when called.” 1.3822 0.04993 157 109 36 12
899 Of course both of you want what’s best for the children. 1.3821 0.05599 123 85 29 9
900 We prize loyalty above all else. 1.3819 0.05025 144 98 37 9
901 He's very adept at sniffing out the best candidates. 1.3817 0.05574 131 92 28 11
902 You screwed the pooch. Now, the pooch is screwing you. 1.3816 0.04845 152 103 40 9
903 She's in charge, I'm just her secretary. 1.3813 0.05043 139 94 37 8
904 Question #1 for your interview: the leash breaks and you see a cat, a squirrel and a mailman. Which do you chase and why? 1.3813 0.05721 139 101 23 15
905 I'll advise you once more to get an actual lawyer. 1.3810 0.05387 126 86 32 8
906 She wants to know if you are too old to learn new tricks 1.3810 0.05317 147 104 30 13
907 My client wishes to inform you that he is no longer your best friend. 1.3810 0.05958 105 72 26 7
908 You can keep the dog house as you're already in it. 1.3810 0.05504 126 87 30 9
909 All we need now is your signature on the Pre-pup. 1.3807 0.04750 176 125 36 15
910 Doggie Divorce: All he wants is the front and backyards, the dog house, his bone and a few squeaky toys. 1.3806 0.05167 134 91 35 8
911 If it makes you feel any better, you were our second choice. 1.3806 0.05585 134 95 27 12
912 500 words. What it means to be a best friend. Go. 1.3806 0.05380 134 93 31 10
913 As your attorney, I strong advise a flea bargain. 1.3805 0.05939 113 79 25 9
914 Four walks a day and he gets to sniff your crotch when no one else is home, final offer. 1.3803 0.05357 142 100 30 12
915 Just throw him a bone. 1.3802 0.05898 121 86 24 11
916 She wants you out of the house by Friday. And she wants to know where you keep the treats. 1.3800 0.06159 100 69 24 7
917 It’s a ‘pup-nup’. 1.3798 0.05633 129 91 27 11
918 Your best friend wants to be included in your will. 1.3798 0.05300 129 88 33 8
919 My client has retained me to rub your nose in this. 1.3796 0.05592 137 98 26 13
920 Could you at least throw us a bone? 1.3796 0.04874 137 91 40 6
921 My client would like you to have custody of the vacuum. 1.3796 0.05495 137 97 28 12
922 A generous offer, but my client is firm regarding his “good boy” status. 1.3796 0.05495 137 97 28 12
923 Sorry, we are looking for someone with more dog walking experience 1.3793 0.04900 145 98 39 8
924 She just wants the shoes 1.3790 0.05443 124 85 31 8
925 Sign here and then we can shake on it. 1.3788 0.05217 132 90 34 8
926 He’s working pro bone-o 1.3788 0.05434 132 92 30 10
927 He says you're not a good boy. 1.3786 0.05313 140 98 31 11
928 Here's this weeks Pro Bono case. 1.3784 0.05110 148 103 34 11
929 After discussing with my client, he seems willing to drop the suit if you agree to address him as a good boy. 1.3782 0.04927 156 108 37 11
930 A think we can all agree that snapping him to a zipline doesn't count as a walk. 1.3782 0.05336 119 80 33 6
931 Just sign here, sir, and you will be officially adopted. 1.3782 0.05336 119 80 33 6
932 This is a cease and desist order to stop throwing away his stick 1.3780 0.05115 127 85 36 6
933 Our new CEO seems to like your scent. You’re hired.” -Alison K. Burns; Salisbury, Massachusett 1.3778 0.05243 135 93 33 9
934 Mandatory: Five walks a day, shared bed at night, and steak for breakfast. The squeaky toy is optional. 1.3774 0.04861 159 110 38 11
935 Our opening offer is four walks and three treats per day with no baths for six months. 1.3772 0.06279 114 83 19 12
936 Who's the bitch now? 1.3772 0.05896 114 80 25 9
937 Rover from HR is here for emotional support. 1.3770 0.05500 122 84 30 8
938 Yes. Pet adoptions have become much more complicated. Did you bring your tax returns for the past 4 years? 1.3770 0.05375 122 83 32 7
939 My client has agreed to chase any and all thrown tennis balls but is no longer contractually obligated to bring them back. 1.3769 0.05267 130 89 33 8
940 This is your cease and desist notice to immediately stop using the vacuum. 1.3769 0.05380 130 90 31 9
941 It's in the best interest of the puppy. 1.3768 0.04954 138 93 38 7
942 We figured he was more personable than someone from HR. 1.3768 0.05558 138 99 26 13
943 Your 'best friend' defense does not negate my client's right to a living wage! 1.3768 0.05265 138 96 32 10
944 We all work like dogs here. 1.3768 0.04565 138 97 33 8
945 Once you sign, you can find a new best friend. 1.3766 0.05299 154 111 28 15
946 We’d like to know if you can learn new tricks. 1.3762 0.05946 101 69 26 6
947 It’s a dog eat man world. 1.3761 0.05498 109 73 31 5
948 Did’t you say Mr. Paddywack, Give the dog a loan? 1.3760 0.05408 125 86 31 8
949 Pay attention to the first three paragraphs. The rest is just doggerel. 1.3759 0.04961 133 89 38 6
950 Just as we promised, you are not being replaced by a machine. 1.3759 0.05185 133 91 34 8
951 You can have the house and everything else, he just wants that cat. 1.3759 0.05377 141 100 29 12
952 It’s your standard pre-puptial agreement. 1.3758 0.05082 149 104 34 11
953 He is willing to move forward with the adoption, this his list of demands starting with, and this is a deal killer, no neutering. 1.3758 0.05224 157 113 29 15
954 Where do you see yourself in 35 dog-years? 1.3750 0.05320 128 88 32 8
955 In return, my client gets full custody of the bed. 1.3750 0.05320 128 88 32 8
956 You can sleep in the bed on Wednesdays. 1.3750 0.05517 136 97 27 12
957 He helps us determine who's a good boy. 1.3750 0.05925 120 86 23 11
958 I advise you to toss him a bone. 1.3741 0.05217 147 104 31 12
959 If your caption is better than his we’ll enter it in this week’s contest. 1.3741 0.05184 139 99 29 11
960 Throw me a bone here. 1.3741 0.05031 139 95 36 8
961 He says if you don’t sign, things for you will be ruff. 1.3740 0.05561 131 93 27 11
962 Your separation anxiety has become a problem, and my client needs to let you go. He will agree to let you walk him every other weekend. 1.3739 0.05235 115 79 30 6
963 Just so I understand, if your dog pre-deceases you, you want your wife to be your beneficiary? 1.3734 0.05642 158 120 17 21
964 Longer walks, and unlimited toilet water access. 1.3732 0.05530 142 103 25 14
965 I hope you don't have any outdated attitudes about female executives. 1.3732 0.05252 142 100 31 11
966 Please sign under the statement, “There is only one best dog in the whole wide world.” 1.3732 0.05156 142 99 33 10
967 She's your supervisor, and if you call her a bitch again, you'll no longer be working for us. 1.3732 0.05156 142 99 33 10
968 You might call it a legal bone of contention.' 1.3731 0.05154 134 92 34 8
969 He'll do the baths if you can get rid of the cat. 1.3730 0.05253 126 86 33 7
970 It’s her pre-Pup agreement for you to sign. 1.3729 0.05077 118 78 36 4
971 My client has agreed to your proposal but with one stipulation; you wear the leash. 1.3725 0.05154 153 109 31 13
972 The dog has full custody if the apartment and your son. 1.3725 0.05899 102 70 26 6
973 You will stop the baby-talk and he will resume bringing your slippers. 1.3723 0.05675 137 100 23 14
974 My client would like you to take the lead. 1.3723 0.05076 137 94 35 8
975 My client wants you to know that you have also been a 'good boy' over the years, and he hopes there are no hard feelings, as it's just a business decision. 1.3716 0.05276 148 106 29 13
976 Just mark on the three yellow spots. 1.3714 0.06240 105 75 21 9
977 About the 401K-9. . . 1.3711 0.05920 97 66 26 5
978 Who's the good boy now? 1.3711 0.06442 97 69 20 8
979 She wants you to sign this pre-pup. 1.3710 0.06110 124 92 18 14
980 You can keep the vacuum cleaner, but he won't budge on the big stick in the backyard 1.3710 0.05664 124 88 26 10
981 My client's position is that you sit, stay and sign on the dotted line. 1.3710 0.05428 124 86 30 8
982 Scout here will shepard you through the onboarding process. 1.3710 0.05779 124 89 24 11
983 My client wishes you the best - and hopefully you will never cheat with that bitch again. 1.3710 0.06110 124 92 18 14
984 And this requires no fewer than sixteen per session. If your arm goes, you will be expected to procure a "ball-throwy-stick thing". 1.3707 0.06187 116 85 19 12
985 So there you have it . You are no longer Man and Best Friend 1.3704 0.05437 135 96 28 11
986 This stipulates that Max is the only acceptable answer to “Who’s a good boy?” 1.3704 0.06113 108 77 22 9
987 Going forward, any demands that my client roll over will have to be submitted through me. 1.3704 0.05123 135 93 34 8
988 Please lift a leg and leave your scent-mark in this area here 1.3701 0.05788 127 92 23 12
989 My client's lawsuit contends that you faked throwing his squeaky ball with malicious intent. 1.3701 0.05679 127 91 25 11
990 Sign below the paw print. 1.3701 0.04848 127 84 39 4
991 Here are your walking papers, you'll need a leash. 1.3701 0.05788 127 92 23 12
992 He’s suing you for defamation of character by calling him “Mr. Stinky.” 1.3699 0.05052 146 102 34 10
993 My client accepts that you keep the house and your wife, he gets the yard and tennis balls. 1.3697 0.05451 119 82 30 7
994 It's a court order to say "lie down," not "lay down." 1.3697 0.05951 119 86 22 11
995 My neutered client's demand is to be called a 'good it'. 1.3696 0.05252 138 97 31 10
996 Do you have any difficulty reporting to a dog? 1.3696 0.05047 138 95 35 8
997 ...and finally you always actually THROW the ball. 1.3696 0.05352 138 98 29 11
998 Be a good boy and sign it. 1.3692 0.05253 130 90 32 8
999 It’s our final offer. Compliant baths in exchange for an extra walk and 30 per cent more of the bed. 1.3689 0.05843 122 88 23 11
1000 You get the house, he gets the kids! 1.3689 0.05484 122 85 29 8
1001 Looks like you don't have a dog in this fight. 1.3689 0.05100 122 82 35 5
1002 We'd like to thank you for your service, Johnson, but Rover is much more popular with the clients. 1.3684 0.05746 114 80 26 8
1003 Perhaps it's time for you to review the Belly Rub clause. 1.3684 0.05879 114 81 24 9
1004 After you sign this paperwork, you will be out of the doghouse. 1.3684 0.04999 152 107 34 11
1005 She says you get to keep the doghouse. 1.3684 0.05171 133 92 33 8
1006 He wants you to sign off before he’ll shake. 1.3684 0.05086 152 108 32 12
1007 It's the standard pre-puptial agreement 1.3684 0.05387 133 94 29 10
1008 We have a very formal process... unfortunately our last dog walker owned several cats 1.3684 0.05171 133 92 33 8
1009 You get to visit the couch on weekends. 1.3680 0.05148 125 85 34 6
1010 She wants to know if you pet on the first date. 1.3680 0.04891 125 83 38 4
1011 This one says organic buffalo only 1.3677 0.04146 155 108 40 7
1012 I'm sorry, but he's found a new alpha. 1.3675 0.05374 117 80 31 6
1013 Oh yeah Mr 'works like a dog!', it turns out Rover over here has outperformed you in picking stocks for each of the last three months! 1.3672 0.05750 128 93 23 12
1014 My colleague here wants you to know that we take all kinds of diversity very seriously. 1.3672 0.05305 128 89 31 8
1015 In this dog-eat-dog world I'm afraid your companion has the leverage. 1.3670 0.05779 109 76 26 7
1016 And by your signature on this form, you are certifying that Spot is indeed a "good boy". 1.3670 0.04991 109 71 36 2
1017 Yes you have to sign the no biting clause. 1.3670 0.05631 109 77 25 7
1018 According to the nine-tenths rule, Sammy now owns your bed. 1.3670 0.05631 109 75 28 6
1019 He’s requesting the barkalounge and the giant plushie bear. 1.3667 0.05149 120 81 34 5
1020 In his will, he's leaving you the ball. 1.3667 0.05909 120 87 22 11
1021 He comes to work happy and I can scratch his head, that’s why he’s getting a promotion. 1.3667 0.05043 150 106 33 11
1022 My client says that two walks a day and a "Good boy" are now insufficient. He wants a new squeaky toy and stock options, too. 1.3667 0.05667 120 85 26 9
1023 We're quite confident the jury will agree my client is "a very good boy." 1.3664 0.05220 131 91 32 8
1024 My client doesn't care you didn't realise from the internet that he was a dog. 1.3663 0.06089 101 71 23 7
1025 Your failure to give my client a second breakfast has left him no choice but to sue. 1.3662 0.05045 142 99 34 9
1026 She says that you put her on a leash only to take your phone out for a walk instead. 1.3661 0.05672 112 78 27 7
1027 I don't care if Sparky's tail was wagging. Touching without consent gets you fired in this office. 1.3661 0.05812 112 79 25 8
1028 THE DOG WANTS INFORMATION ABOUT YOUR PEDIGREE. 1.3659 0.05509 123 91 21 11
1029 Your ex has offered him the Queen bedroom , he wants to know what you will offer. 1.3659 0.05803 123 89 23 11
1030 Legally speaking, my client has no bone to pick with you but he does want the dog house. 1.3656 0.05879 93 63 26 4
1031 That's what you get for signing a "Power of Attorney". The dog is your master now. 1.3652 0.05837 115 82 24 9
1032 It's done. You are no longer best friends. 1.3652 0.05569 115 80 28 7
1033 My client is willing to let you visit the pups on alternate thursdays. 1.3652 0.05569 115 80 28 7
1034 Just sign here and we'll call off the dogs. 1.3652 0.05837 115 82 24 9
1035 The company rewards loyalty. Our colleague here can testify to that. 1.3652 0.05704 115 81 26 8
1036 And lastly, my client retains the right to any bones found on the property. 1.3651 0.05357 126 90 27 9
1037 My client is seeking damages for mental distress caused by what he refers to as multiple“tennis ball throw fake-outs.” 1.3650 0.05371 137 98 28 11
1038 It is fair. Don't forget that You have opposable thumbs. 1.3650 0.05371 137 98 28 11
1039 He's convinced obedience school is the best option for you. 1.3645 0.05376 107 72 31 4
1040 This agreement not to spay was prepared by Pinscher, Schnauzer and Katz, Attorneys at Paw. 1.3645 0.05695 107 74 27 6
1041 And you get to keep the cats. 1.3644 0.05337 118 81 31 6
1042 Sorry but Fido is just not that into you anymore. 1.3644 0.05200 118 80 33 5
1043 Sure. He's my attorney. Why did you ask? 1.3644 0.05730 118 84 25 9
1044 My client is offering the collar, the leash and the entirety of the chew toy collection, but the house is non-negotiable. 1.3643 0.05190 140 99 31 10
1045 I think you'll find his offer both excitable and remarkably short-sighted. 1.3642 0.05088 162 118 29 15
1046 Sign to resign as his Fidociary. 1.3636 0.05512 132 95 26 11
1047 No more boy, good boy, or Mr. Barker. He really just wants you to pick a name and stick with it. 1.3636 0.05209 143 102 30 11
1048 He scored higher on loyalty, so we’re going with him… 1.3636 0.05868 121 88 22 11
1049 The demand is reasonable - four walks a day and and table scraps after holiday meals. 1.3636 0.04597 132 87 42 3
1050 Hopefully no hard feelings. Man's best friend here met a french poodle on the other side of town that made him an offer he couldn't refuse. 1.3636 0.05249 121 83 32 6
1051 Sorry if the pages are a bit dog-eared 1.3636 0.05736 110 77 26 7
1052 Sign here to give him his walking papers. 1.3636 0.06168 99 70 22 7
1053 Fido will adopt you if you sign the contract including unlimited treats,multiple daily walks and his sleeping in your bed. 1.3636 0.05998 99 69 24 6
1054 If you are determined to continue to work from home,these are our terms 1.3636 0.05076 132 91 34 7
1055 Actually, my client claims that you pooped in his yard! 1.3636 0.05512 132 95 26 11
1056 We're now down to Ralph's final, non-negotiable demand, the exchange of houses. 1.3636 0.05298 132 93 30 9
1057 We've covered walks and food. Now we must deal with favorite chairs and TV shows. 1.3630 0.05132 146 104 31 11
1058 Take my advice and sign. My client isn’t afraid to play ruff. 1.3630 0.05216 135 95 31 9
1059 It just certifies Gus as a good boy. A very good boy. 1.3629 0.05532 124 88 27 9
1060 We’re claiming breach of your pre-puptial agreement. 1.3628 0.05905 113 81 23 9
1061 I'm sorry we have to let you go. Our company is going to the dogs. 1.3626 0.06540 91 65 19 7
1062 The original agreement was that you would work from home. 1.3624 0.04968 149 105 34 10
1063 He's an asset hound. 1.3623 0.05033 138 96 34 8
1064 He chased your car, caught it, and now claims it is his. 1.3623 0.05033 138 96 34 8
1065 You’ll be required to stay in a crate overnight during any visits to joint property. 1.3623 0.05437 138 100 26 12
1066 I’m sorry but she left the entire estate to Frisky over here… 1.3622 0.04958 127 86 36 5
1067 This says your barking up the wrong tree 1.3621 0.05923 116 84 22 10
1068 My client demands the right to no longer be a good boy. 1.3621 0.05923 116 84 22 10
1069 Don't ask him to beg. 1.3615 0.05123 130 90 33 7
1070 Sorry, Skippy’s scores are higher. 1.3613 0.05434 119 83 29 7
1071 How are you at fetching? 1.3609 0.05156 133 93 32 8
1072 My client states that on November 3rd you caused him to erroneously believe you'd thrown a ball. 1.3609 0.05373 133 95 28 10
1073 He wants you to keep the leash. 1.3609 0.05156 133 93 32 8
1074 It’s her prepuptial agreement. 1.3607 0.05468 122 86 28 8
1075 Accept his final offer if you want to keep the cat. 1.3607 0.05468 122 86 28 8
1076 Sorry Jenkins, you didn't pass the sniff test. 1.3605 0.05194 147 106 29 12
1077 My client has a bone to pick with you, Mr. Wickham 1.3605 0.06280 86 62 18 6
1078 His final offer is to give you the doghouse and visitation rights to the cat. 1.3604 0.05836 111 79 24 8
1079 He’s become accustomed to a certain lifestyle. 1.3603 0.05490 136 99 25 12
1080 Then it's agreed. Duke gets the dog house and the chew toys, and you get the vacuum cleaner and the cat. 1.3602 0.05179 161 119 26 16
1081 We've been digging up a lot of dirt on you. 1.3600 0.05949 100 70 24 6
1082 It’s a Pre-Pup. 1.3600 0.05131 125 86 33 6
1083 She wants full custody of the tennis ball. 1.3600 0.05131 125 86 33 6
1084 I'm sorry. He prefers someone who smells more like bacon. 1.3597 0.05003 139 97 34 8
1085 Rover wants the SUV 1.3597 0.05055 139 100 29 10
1086 The terms are fair since you were the one who introduced my client to her dog walker. 1.3596 0.05727 114 81 25 8
1087 He wants you to know,he knows where the bones are buried. 1.3596 0.05861 114 82 23 9
1088 You can have the crate. She would like the master bed. 1.3596 0.05992 114 83 21 10
1089 Are you a good boy? Are you? 1.3596 0.06636 89 64 18 7
1090 Snowball has many cash offers on the dog house. Would you consider waving the inspection? 1.3594 0.05404 128 91 28 9
1091 You can have the house, but we get full custody of the yard. 1.3592 0.05664 103 71 27 5
1092 She wants to be emancipated. 1.3592 0.04931 142 99 35 8
1093 He's not willing to give up the beach house, but you can have the car 1.3590 0.05355 117 81 30 6
1094 Bad Boy. Sit. Sign. 1.3590 0.05624 117 83 26 8
1095 You'll both have 10 minutes to complete the test. 1.3588 0.05533 131 95 25 11
1096 My client has provided ample evidence showing he is in fact a good boy. He will be seeking damages for all utterances of “bad dog” and requires compensation in form of extra belly rubs. 1.3587 0.05902 92 63 25 4
1097 The cat must remain at least 25ft away at all times 1.3586 0.05332 145 106 26 13
1098 We’re through playing games. 1.3583 0.05650 120 86 25 9
1099 I'm sorry, but Rusty's decided our firm will be his new best friend from here on out. 1.3583 0.05650 120 86 25 9
1100 No more comments comparing his bark to his bite and he agrees to play fetch the ball twice a week 1.3583 0.04850 120 80 37 3
1101 Oh, that's Darla, my emotional support animal. She helps with the crushing guilt from fleecing nice people like yourself. 1.3582 0.05443 134 97 26 11
1102 As per the pre-pup agreement with my client, they are entitled to daily park visitation rights upon moving to the city. 1.3582 0.05125 134 94 32 8
1103 This is the number of treats it will take for him to be a good boy 1.3582 0.05125 134 94 32 8
1104 Face it, either take down the videos or start paying royalties. 1.3579 0.06155 95 67 22 6
1105 He’s tired of learning new tricks 1.3578 0.05905 109 78 23 8
1106 My client has decided to drop the forced neutering charge if you agree to sign off on two walks a day. 1.3578 0.05610 109 76 27 6
1107 Just think next time you pretend throw a ball, okay? 1.3578 0.05610 109 76 27 6
1108 … And as man’s best friend, he is entitled to palimony. 1.3577 0.05787 123 90 22 11
1109 Mr. Johnson, when you read this affidavit, you'll clearly see that it is in fact my client who is, beyond any question, a "good boy." 1.3577 0.05787 123 90 22 11
1110 My client has filed this court order that you cease immediately blaming your flatulence on “the dog”. 1.3571 0.05341 126 89 29 8
1111 We’re asking for full custody of the cat. 1.3571 0.04763 140 96 38 6
1112 Under the terms of the buyout, he will stay on until his replacement is trained. 1.3571 0.05793 112 80 24 8
1113 My client demands access to the whole bed, not just the foot. 1.3571 0.05459 126 90 27 9
1114 We expect you to work like a dog. Any questions? 1.3571 0.07114 84 62 14 8
1115 My client alleges that you've been coming home smelling like other dogs. 1.3571 0.06024 98 69 23 6
1116 ‘“She demands custody of your old brown shoe.” 1.3571 0.05797 126 93 21 12
1117 Throw me a bone, Dan. 1.3571 0.06024 98 69 23 6
1118 He wants to keep the kids and the beach house. 1.3566 0.05138 129 90 32 7
1119 It's not everything. She's willing to throw you a bone. 1.3565 0.05818 115 83 23 9
1120 To be clear, Mr. Smith, you are not to call, to text or to communicate with Sparky. 1.3565 0.05818 115 83 23 9
1121 My client wishes to renegotiate the terms of his leash. 1.3561 0.05283 132 94 29 9
1122 It's time for you to roll over. 1.3561 0.05498 132 96 25 11
1123 She's filing for a new owner as you insist on calling her a bitch... 1.3559 0.05318 118 82 30 6
1124 You bring the baggies, he will do the rest. 1.3557 0.05135 149 108 29 12
1125 My client claims you're the whistleblower. 1.3556 0.06183 90 63 22 5
1126 Sir, The PreNup clearly gives her Custody of the Puppies. 1.3554 0.06195 121 92 15 14
1127 Agreed, Snickers will keep the frisbee, all chewy toys, anything buried in the backyard with visitation rights to the kids every other weekend. 1.3554 0.05230 121 84 31 6
1128 Our #1 criteria for hiring new staff is that they be a Good Boy. 1.3551 0.05516 107 74 28 5
1129 He will continue to fetch however you must agree not to dress my client in silly jackets. 1.3551 0.05827 107 76 24 7
1130 Sign and date in dog years, please. 1.3551 0.05018 138 97 33 8
1131 In exchange for always being glad to see you, you agree to three thirty-minute walks per day and June in the Hamptons. 1.3551 0.05224 138 99 29 10
1132 And she promises to not chew on any more of your shoes, if you take her to the dog park twice a week. 1.3551 0.05122 138 98 31 9
1133 As you're his sole heir he's leaving you the the fenced yard, the dog house and any residual kibbles. The cute dog walker gets the rest. 1.3551 0.05122 138 98 31 9
1134 Best friend or not, you're still being let go. 1.3548 0.06047 93 65 23 5
1135 Lastly, five minutes of belly rubs every other day and Charlie agrees to be your best friend forever. 1.3548 0.04734 155 109 37 9
1136 And please initial here indicating your agreement to play 'fetch', as defined in subparagraph (f), at least three times each week, regardless of weather. 1.3548 0.05272 124 87 30 7
1137 I am his attorney, but Rex ipsa loquitor. 1.3545 0.05568 110 77 27 6
1138 Of course you'll keep one of each shoe. 1.3543 0.05306 127 90 29 8
1139 My client refuses to be muzzled ! 1.3543 0.04940 127 87 35 5
1140 A dog can instinctively tell when you're lying. Unless you're a cat. 1.3542 0.05920 96 67 24 5
1141 So, Mr. Ruffles has chosen his side in the divorce... 1.3542 0.04875 144 101 35 8
1142 If you don't take this deal, my client is prepared to W.A.L.K. 1.3542 0.06279 96 69 20 7
1143 You’ve won custody of the cat” 1.3540 0.05611 113 80 26 7
1144 These are your barking orders. 1.3540 0.05468 113 79 28 6
1145 If we tell you the answer to "who's a good boy?" will you sign it? 1.3538 0.05335 130 93 28 9
1146 My client wants me to inform you that now it’s your turn to roll over. 1.3535 0.05974 99 70 23 6
1147 The genetic test says you are not my client's biological father. What terms will you meet for him to continue greeting you at the door? 1.3535 0.05974 99 70 23 6
1148 You keep the kennel. He gets the house. 1.3534 0.05645 116 83 25 8
1149 Your dog has left you everything in his will. He hopes you'll do the same. 1.3534 0.05645 116 83 25 8
1150 You can still be friends. 1.3534 0.04914 133 92 35 6
1151 You can work from home Bob, but Barkley will stay with us in the office from now on 1.3534 0.05668 133 99 21 13
1152 Sorry,but Muffy trends better for us.... 1.3533 0.04451 150 107 35 8
1153 I’m sorry, Roger. We’ve decided that you’re not a good boy. 1.3529 0.05545 119 85 26 8
1154 We are willing to offer you full and free title to the doghouse as long as you continue living there full time. 1.3529 0.05282 119 83 30 6
1155 Yes in actuality, it is a dog eat dog world. 1.3529 0.05545 119 85 26 8
1156 You can keep the house, Mr. Rumples just wants the backyard. 1.3529 0.05169 136 97 30 9
1157 This last one just states you'll stop picking up his poop. He finds it weird. 1.3529 0.05545 119 85 26 8
1158 This temporary restraining order prohibits you for walking in two specific parks with that other dog that has come into your life. 1.3529 0.05545 119 85 26 8
1159 She accuses you of sleeping with another dog. 1.3529 0.06331 102 75 18 9
1160 You agree to three walks a day and no cats 1.3525 0.05092 139 99 31 9
1161 You must also agree that he will be the top dog... 1.3525 0.06039 122 92 17 13
1162 This contract stipulates you will be HIS best friend. 1.3524 0.05577 105 73 27 5
1163 It is now established who is a good boy. Are YOU a good man? 1.3524 0.05896 105 75 23 7
1164 Just dip your hand in the ink and press it here. 1.3523 0.06672 88 64 17 7
1165 You can keep the doghouse, Mr. Rex just want's the condo in Boca and the Eames chairs 1.3520 0.05112 125 87 32 6
1166 She'll settle if you throw in a bone. 1.3520 0.05359 125 89 28 8
1167 You get the doghouse. 1.3519 0.05782 108 77 24 7
1168 Drool here, here and here. 1.3519 0.06074 108 79 20 9
1169 And my client wants all of the cat’s play toys as well. 1.3519 0.04990 162 119 29 14
1170 I'm sorry, but my client has a new best friend. 1.3516 0.06127 91 64 22 5
1171 He’d like joint custody of the newspaper. 1.3516 0.04909 128 88 35 5
1172 As your dog's attorney, I'm letting you know we are no longer in favor of neutering. 1.3516 0.05272 128 91 29 8
1173 Sign here, and you agree to full couch privileges, and my client will agree to leave all slippers intact.” 1.3516 0.05154 128 90 31 7
1174 He says he wants the house ,but you can have full custody of the cat. 1.3516 0.05500 128 93 25 10
1175 There are some photos of you and a Golden Retriever in this folder. He wants an explanation. 1.3514 0.05673 111 79 25 7
1176 Your job is to feed and walk the dog so he can continue to creatively market for us. 1.3514 0.05673 111 79 25 7
1177 The cat betrayal was too much, though he offers to remain your “good” friend. 1.3511 0.05801 94 65 25 4
1178 It's quite simple Mr. Gordon, either the Cat goes or my client goes. 1.3509 0.05284 114 79 30 5
1179 How does a dog even hire an attorney? Well if you must know, he paid me in Dogecoin. 1.3507 0.05428 134 98 25 11
1180 And here you agree all clothing decisions - including but not limited to sweaters, hats, raingear and especially Halloween costumes - will be arrived at mutually. 1.3505 0.05870 97 68 24 5
1181 As you can see, my client is a very good “man” and hasn’t been a “boy” for over 2 years 1.3500 0.05573 100 69 27 4
1182 because it was supposed to be a dog and PONY show! 1.3500 0.05507 120 86 26 8
1183 My client is prepared to shake on this. 1.3500 0.06093 100 72 21 7
1184 You have to remember this extension is in dog years. 1.3500 0.05507 120 86 26 8
1185 We're proposing an even split of all squeaking toys. 1.3500 0.05925 100 71 23 6
1186 My client is unleashing his demands. 1.3500 0.05246 120 84 30 6
1187 My client requests daily access to the northeast portion of the lawn. 1.3496 0.05413 123 88 27 8
1188 My client is demanding half your assets and visitation rights to the upstairs toilet bowl. 1.3495 0.05468 103 71 28 4
1189 I'd advise you to settle this out of court before you're left sleeping in the dog house. 1.3495 0.06279 103 76 18 9
1190 He says your offer doesn't pass the sniff test. 1.3494 0.06734 83 60 17 6
1191 He wants you to sign this non-disclosure in regards to the 'leg-hug' incident earlier. 1.3493 0.05012 146 105 31 10
1192 Before we get started, can I get you some coffee? Some treats? 1.3492 0.05203 126 89 30 7
1193 .....and finally, she wants to swap houses 1.3491 0.06001 106 77 21 8
1194 At least throw him a bone. 1.3488 0.05121 129 91 31 7
1195 He hired me because he has a bone to pick. 1.3488 0.05238 129 92 29 8
1196 In exchange for you paying obedience school tuition, vet bills and kibble costs my client agrees to allow weekly visitation rights with the pups. 1.3488 0.05352 129 93 27 9
1197 My client is offering to stay off the couch in exchange for you throwing away the can of coins. I think it's a fair compromise. 1.3488 0.04481 172 122 40 10
1198 As assistant to the CEO, your primary responsibility will be to obey his commands." 1.3487 0.04874 152 111 30 11
1199 My client seeks an amicable separation. So, still friend, just not ‘best’ friend. 1.3486 0.05433 109 76 28 5
1200 Have you ever worked for a bitch before? 1.3486 0.06026 109 80 20 9
1201 He proposes at least two walks a day and three on Sunday. 1.3486 0.05587 109 77 26 6
1202 Most people aren't familiar with our pro bono work. 1.3485 0.05482 132 97 24 11
1203 Regretably, the humililation of the Halloween costume was the last straw. 1.3483 0.06210 89 63 21 5
1204 Fluffy wants the house but is willing to throw you a bone. 1.3482 0.05772 112 81 23 8
1205 Let's see who's in the doghouse now. 1.3482 0.05185 112 77 31 4
1206 Paw prints on the dotted line please. 1.3482 0.05412 112 81 24 7
1207 She's willing to give you the doghouse, but she wants the car. 1.3482 0.05185 112 77 31 4
1208 No. The dog represents me. 1.3482 0.05910 112 82 21 9
1209 As your lawyer it's my obligation to tell you that puppy love comes with serious obligations. 1.3481 0.04740 135 93 37 5
1210 I know it's hard for you, but he's of age now and wants his emancipation. 1.3481 0.04483 158 113 37 8
1211 My client has asked that you never, in perpetuity, fake throw the tennis ball again. 1.3478 0.06266 92 66 20 6
1212 My client says, "Nick nack paddy whack Give a dog a bone -- or else!" 1.3478 0.05530 115 82 26 7
1213 This is a Temporary Restraining Order preventing you from spaying my client, dressing her in holiday costumes or balancing treats on her nose until these issues are fully litigated. 1.3478 0.04786 138 96 36 6
1214 Ms. Fido requires this pre-Best Friend agreement, or the adoption is off. 1.3478 0.05390 115 81 28 6
1215 You're being sued for misrepresentation of the word 'fixed.' 1.3478 0.06181 115 87 16 12
1216 You ate the meat around that bone, didn't you? 1.3478 0.06056 115 86 18 11
1217 My client is seeking a new human due to your inadequate belly rubs. 1.3478 0.04949 138 100 29 9
1218 You can keep the house, he just wants the couch. 1.3475 0.04720 141 98 37 6
1219 Oh him? He's just an intern. He'll fetch whatever we need 1.3475 0.05031 141 101 31 9
1220 My client reminds you that he is a good boy. 1.3475 0.05943 118 88 19 11
1221 It's called a PrePup. My client insists you sign before any bow-wows. 1.3475 0.05160 118 82 31 5
1222 Before we begin negotiations, you must sign the 'No Walkies, No Talkies" agreement. 1.3475 0.04564 118 83 31 4
1223 Well Rover can only hire one of us and you did not even wear a suit and tie to the interview. 1.3474 0.06483 95 70 17 8
1224 She's suing the cat. 1.3474 0.06820 95 72 13 10
1225 I’m his lawyer pro bono. 1.3474 0.05943 95 67 23 5
1226 She wants the leash, the bowl, run of the yard and full custody of the puppies. And, believe me, she will NOT roll over! 1.3472 0.05151 144 105 28 11
1227 He needs you to testify at his trial that he really is a good dog, yes he is. 1.3471 0.05715 121 89 22 10
1228 This is your promise not to dress him in people clothes and his agreement not to poop on your bed. 1.3469 0.06503 98 73 16 9
1229 Oh he? The other guy had to work from home so George is covering for him. 1.3468 0.04864 124 90 27 7
1230 Sorry, but my client only sees things in black and white. 1.3468 0.05615 124 91 23 10
1231 He prefers the country home 1.3468 0.05315 124 91 24 9
1232 It says you don't own him; you're just leashing him. 1.3465 0.06204 101 74 19 8
1233 But the wording is clear .. you will be fed and walked until you die but Brewster gets the house and the car. 1.3465 0.05520 127 93 24 10
1234 This NDA ensures neither of you can talk 1.3465 0.05632 127 94 22 11
1235 What my client is saying is that the usual forms of gaining your attention- the early morning barking, vomiting on or near bedding and chewing of favorite shoes just wasn't working anymore. He had no choice but to seek outside legal representation. 1.3465 0.05289 127 91 28 8
1236 She's gone on the papers now you go on the papers and we'll be done. 1.3464 0.04666 153 108 37 8
1237 Sorry, but you may have heard that every dog has his day. 1.3462 0.05426 104 72 28 4
1238 You'll be hired if you can pass our Loyalty and Obedience Test. 1.3459 0.05124 133 95 30 8
1239 Buddy has been working here 4 dog years, that's 28 human years. As he is our most senior employee, he will be conducting your interview. 1.3459 0.05342 133 97 26 10
1240 You're licked. 1.3458 0.05650 107 76 25 6
1241 Fido is willing to settle this suit, but he wants his balls back. 1.3458 0.05804 107 77 23 7
1242 She's my comfort dog. I don't like heights. 1.3458 0.05804 107 77 23 7
1243 Your loyalty profile didn't quite make the cut, I'm afraid. 1.3457 0.06373 81 57 20 4
1244 He feels your purchase of a cat nullifies his obligation to be your best friend but hopes you'll always consider him a "good boy". 1.3455 0.05839 110 80 22 8
1245 Lastly, sign this page, that you agree to be neutered. 1.3453 0.05178 139 101 28 10
1246 He says to tell you that you said “sit” not “stay”. 1.3451 0.05446 113 80 27 6
1247 You'll want to sign these papers before he goes on them. 1.3451 0.05729 113 82 23 8
1248 He's not a Therapy Dog. He needs a Therapy Person. 1.3451 0.05729 113 82 23 8
1249 And of course, he demands full custody of all the squeaky toys. 1.3448 0.05885 116 86 20 10
1250 Just because he's your support animal doesn't mean he can help you answer any of the questions 1.3448 0.06135 116 88 16 12
1251 As you can see, my client is tired of being walked all over. 1.3448 0.05757 116 85 22 9
1252 He wants joint custody of the slippers. 1.3445 0.05395 119 85 27 7
1253 And if you'd please sign where it says, 'Woof woof woof'...' 1.3445 0.05653 119 87 23 9
1254 My client will agree to stop barking, if you will agree to stop playing your violin" 1.3444 0.06352 90 65 19 6
1255 This would be a good time to sit, roll over, and beg. 1.3444 0.07095 90 69 11 10
1256 That's correct. Your job is to feed him,walk him and handle any accidents. Trust me,it is a promotion from marketing. 1.3443 0.05431 122 88 26 8
1257 This says that you'll be entitled to walks every other weekend. 1.3443 0.05043 122 85 32 5
1258 He said he identifies as your ex wife… 1.3443 0.05431 122 88 26 8
1259 You keep the leash and you can live in the dog house. 1.3442 0.04641 154 109 37 8
1260 New owner must execute two vigorous belly rubs and a scratch behind the ears each day. That's our final offer. 1.3441 0.05821 93 65 24 4
1261 For the adoption to proceed you must agree to these prohibitions on costuming and Tik Tok posts. 1.3441 0.05821 93 65 24 4
1262 This suit alledges that you, in fact, let the dogs out 1.3441 0.06575 93 69 16 8
1263 Now be a good boy. 1.3438 0.05370 128 93 26 9
1264 Fluffy’ s complaint is that he cannot appear overjoyed to see you given your decision to work from home. 1.3438 0.05703 128 96 20 12
1265 'Fetch' is agreed to. 'Bring it back' is a non-starter. 1.3438 0.05014 128 90 32 6
1266 'Fair' is half of all the tennis balls. 1.3434 0.05209 99 67 30 2
1267 This is how much my client demands for the fart blaming to continue. 1.3434 0.06759 99 76 12 11
1268 One final thing before we complete this paperwork. He needs to sniff your butt. 1.3433 0.05412 134 99 24 11
1269 And this document guarantees you'll be HIS best friend. 1.3429 0.05714 105 75 24 6
1270 Looks like the ball's in your court. 1.3429 0.05552 105 74 26 5
1271 And this one is for emotional distress brought on by your unconscionable decision to have his testicles removed. 1.3429 0.04943 140 100 32 8
1272 He wants the dog house, all bone rights and custody of the cat. 1.3429 0.05046 140 101 30 9
1273 My client asks that YOU be the good boy now and sign this. 1.3429 0.06026 105 77 20 8
1274 My client and I refuse to just roll over on this issue. 1.3429 0.05714 105 75 24 6
1275 Leave it. Leave it. 1.3429 0.06026 105 77 20 8
1276 My client deeply regrets the thanksgiving turkey incident. She is prepared to offer the location of a rotting squirrel to make amends. 1.3421 0.05953 114 85 19 10
1277 She's just tired of the everyday run around. 1.3421 0.05822 114 84 21 9
1278 He'd like you to sign this confidentiality agreement before he speaks. 1.3421 0.05687 114 83 23 8
1279 Sparky would like to settle over the 'incident' at the vet last Friday 1.3419 0.05451 117 84 26 7
1280 Fido feels that best friend was always aspirational. 1.3419 0.05584 117 85 24 8
1281 In the prepuptial, you'll find the standard no leash and organic protein clauses. 1.3419 0.05584 117 85 24 8
1282 We find your pedigree not quite up to par. 1.3418 0.06951 79 58 15 6
1283 The contract clearly stipulates there will not be any new tricks 1.3417 0.05225 120 85 29 6
1284 My client has a bone to pick with you. 1.3415 0.05394 123 89 26 8
1285 It's all just standard boilerplate stuff, of course, but it's all in dog years, so just be aware. 1.3415 0.05394 123 89 26 8
1286 He agrees in principle, but insists you take custody of the cat. 1.3415 0.05141 123 87 30 6
1287 He barks, I bite! 1.3413 0.05060 126 89 31 6
1288 Wise choice to have such a loyal friend witness these documents. 1.3412 0.06600 85 62 17 6
1289 Based on this information, it appears someone else at this table has been a ‘Bad, Bad Boy’ 1.3411 0.05103 129 92 30 7
1290 You know it turns out best if everyone is represented by counsel at these pre-adoption negotiations. 1.3411 0.05220 129 93 28 8
1291 ...and this form just affirms that Spot is a Good Dog. 1.3409 0.05359 132 97 25 10
1292 My client is willing to drop his "alienation of affection" lawsuit providing you agree to return the cat to its previous owner. 1.3409 0.05025 132 94 31 7
1293 Keep in mind this is still a ruff draft. 1.3409 0.05250 132 96 27 9
1294 He's had enough of Covid bonding. You've got to return to work or, at a minimum, find a date who'll get you out of the apartment. 1.3409 0.05250 132 96 27 9
1295 He gets the doghouse, his favorite blanket, and that original Eames chair that you’ve been refusing to let him chew, are we agreed? 1.3409 0.06236 88 63 20 5
1296 She'd like you to sign this pre-puptial agreement. 1.3407 0.05274 135 99 26 10
1297 We're sorry, but Scooter feels you're barking up the wrong tree. 1.3407 0.05893 91 64 23 4
1298 You may claim it's just vacuuming, but intentional infliction of emotional distress is a tort, Mr. Baker. 1.3407 0.06294 91 66 19 6
1299 In addition to the indoor bathroom, you must completely stop referring to her as a bitch. 1.3406 0.04986 138 99 31 8
1300 She wants the puppies or the proceeds from their sale. 1.3406 0.05193 138 101 27 10
1301 It’s a prenup. He gets to keep the tennis balls 1.3406 0.05193 138 101 27 10
1302 My client would like full custody of the cat 1.3404 0.04914 141 101 32 8
1303 Sam wants a personal essay: "How I feel about dogs". 1.3404 0.06154 94 68 20 6
1304 First condition, no more canine holiday antlers. 1.3404 0.06688 94 71 14 9
1305 According to the settlement you get to shake his hand and rub his belly every other weekend. 1.3403 0.04844 144 103 33 8
1306 Scruffy says he'll sign if you promise never to go to work again. 1.3402 0.05841 97 69 23 5
1307 There may be some wiggle room vis-à-vis the number of chew toys, but I'm afraid treats and walkies are non-negotiable. 1.3402 0.05841 97 69 23 5
1308 And these are the terms of his leash. 1.3402 0.06198 97 71 19 7
1309 The girlfriend simply has to go. 1.3400 0.06067 100 73 20 7
1310 Here’s proof my client did not eat your homework. 1.3400 0.05724 100 71 24 5
1311 He wants you to be his ghostwriter. 1.3398 0.05781 103 74 23 6
1312 Your return to work post-pandemic constitutes abandonment and alienation of affection. 1.3398 0.05943 103 75 21 7
1313 Sign on the dotted line...this simply states that you have been vaccinated and neutered. You can start tomorrow and there are treats in the jar on the way out. 1.3398 0.06255 103 77 17 9
1314 My client refuses to be treated like a dog! 1.3398 0.05781 103 74 23 6
1315 You get the kennel. He gets the car keys. 1.3396 0.05669 106 76 24 6
1316 My client requires more treats, more walks, and fewer vet visits. 1.3394 0.05249 109 76 29 4
1317 You should have been satisfied with being best friends. 1.3394 0.05085 109 75 31 3
1318 She’s asking for the house and fifty - fifty custody of the children. 1.3394 0.05330 109 79 24 6
1319 Fetch, rollover, beg? This is not about who is whose best friend, Mr. Olson, this is about who owes who wages for services rendered. 1.3394 0.05409 109 77 27 5
1320 I thought you already knew we favor the underdog. 1.3394 0.05861 109 80 21 8
1321 You’ll have to sign for him, too… 1.3394 0.05249 109 76 29 4
1322 You are not the first associate we have referred to obedience training. 1.3393 0.05463 112 80 26 6
1323 I assure you, petnups are standard nowadays. 1.3391 0.05224 115 81 29 5
1324 Fido will get the Brooklyn apartment, the summer time-share, and your collection of vintage concert t-shirts, which he has already marked as his own territory. 1.3391 0.05508 115 83 25 7
1325 My client is willing to negotiate to 3 good boys a day and only 76% of your bed at night. 1.3390 0.05277 118 84 28 6
1326 He won't just be your boss, he'll be your best friend. 1.3390 0.05277 118 84 28 6
1327 Rosie wants custody of everything she’s licked, sniffed and slept on 1.3390 0.05277 118 84 28 6
1328 And you stipulate that Spot is your best friend? 1.3388 0.05190 121 86 29 6
1329 My client wants it in writing that he is not your best friend. 1.3388 0.04987 121 87 28 6
1330 You've been a very bad boy. 1.3388 0.05816 121 91 19 11
1331 A self-serve treat bar. A lifetime subscription to DOGTV. A fire hydrant in the bathroom. This is his final offer. 1.3388 0.05449 121 88 25 8
1332 We’ll be asking the judge for a stay order on your stay order. 1.3387 0.04843 124 86 34 4
1333 We feel this figure fairly accounts for back-payment for my client's missed games of fetch, lack of treats, and psychological distress from never being called a "good boy". 1.3387 0.05357 124 90 26 8
1334 And this is a licensing agreement to use his image on social media posts. 1.3385 0.05300 130 95 26 9
1335 Now you understand what we mean by "paper trained" 1.3385 0.05300 130 95 26 9
1336 As part of this job interview Spot would like you to see you use the paper. 1.3385 0.04890 130 94 29 7
1337 After the pretending-to-throw-the-ball incident, he wants assurances that a car ride to the park is just that. 1.3383 0.04993 133 95 31 7
1338 By signing this document you agree not to post embarrassing pet memes of my client on any and all social media while he is alive. 1.3383 0.04993 133 95 31 7
1339 He’s taking the couch 1.3382 0.04693 136 95 36 5
1340 My clients begs you to accept his terms. 1.3378 0.04294 148 104 39 5
1341 Let's see who writes the most appropriate caption?? 1.3378 0.07270 74 55 13 6
1342 You get the house but she keeps the toilet bowl. That's our final offer. 1.3372 0.05636 86 59 25 2
1343 My client swears it was YOU who ate the homework. 1.3372 0.06322 86 62 19 5
1344 Smedley,I called this meeting to advise you that your position has been terminated—please welcome Bowser as your replacement 1.3372 0.06322 86 62 19 5
1345 She gets to keep the wife. 1.3371 0.06381 89 65 18 6
1346 Fido gets the doghouse AND the yard, because that’s where the bones are buried. 1.3371 0.06177 89 64 20 5
1347 And the phrase, "I wouldn't feed that to a dog," is legally hate speech. 1.3371 0.05967 89 63 22 4
1348 You will refer to my client as "Mr. Teddy" 1.3370 0.06236 92 67 19 6
1349 My client has instructed me to keep you on a short leash. 1.3368 0.05720 95 67 24 4
1350 You keep the house, but the dog gets the wife. 1.3367 0.05792 98 70 23 5
1351 So it's settled. He gets the side of the bed closest to the heater. 1.3367 0.05971 98 71 21 6
1352 Around here, he’s the bark. I’m the bite. 1.3367 0.05792 98 70 23 5
1353 Since you're already in it, you get to keep the doghouse. 1.3366 0.06178 101 75 18 8
1354 Fido is part of your severance package. Corporate understands that being laid off can leave you in need of moral support.” 1.3366 0.06178 101 75 18 8
1355 You drive a ruff bargain. 1.3365 0.06051 104 77 19 8
1356 If you agree to neutering my client will drop all charges. 1.3365 0.05895 104 76 21 7
1357 Funny, because this signature here seems to imply you were, in fact, the one to pass gas. 1.3365 0.05399 104 73 27 4
1358 You can chew on this and let us know. 1.3364 0.05466 107 76 26 5
1359 My client is asking for full custody of your wife. 1.3364 0.05625 107 77 24 6
1360 I should add that this is most creative power of attorney document I've ever been privileged to draft. 1.3364 0.05466 107 76 26 5
1361 Your wife goes to the dog. 1.3362 0.05468 116 84 25 7
1362 Sorry about the delay. He ate the Trust documents. 1.3362 0.05329 116 83 27 6
1363 Sign it and you're officially his best friend. 1.3362 0.05736 116 86 21 9
1364 Due to poor performance, we're transferring you to a farm upstate. 1.3361 0.05880 119 90 18 11
1365 Furthermore, my client resents being labeled as dogmatic! 1.3361 0.05411 122 89 25 8
1366 Please sign here to extend your leash. 1.3361 0.05284 122 88 27 7
1367 We would like to set forth the terms for roll over. 1.3360 0.05321 125 91 26 8
1368 So it’s settled. Champ gets the house, you get the car. 1.3359 0.05465 128 95 23 10
1369 Sorry, but his terms have now changed. He is demanding the doghouse in the Riviera in addition to the one n Palm Springs. You can keep the one bedroom flat in Staten Island. 1.3359 0.05351 128 94 25 9
1370 I understand that you're best friends. However a handshake doesn't constitute a legal agreement. 1.3359 0.05153 131 95 28 8
1371 So you get the puppies and FIFI here gets the penthouse on the upper west side that aunt Mary left for her. 1.3358 0.05396 134 100 23 11
1372 I'm sorry, but sole custody is a non-starter..Rex demands your wife on alternate weekends. 1.3358 0.05105 137 100 28 9
1373 Be a good boy and fill out this application 1.3356 0.04724 149 107 34 8
1374 That clears up item #47, there will be no more unfortunate dog costumes. Let's move on to item #48. 1.3333 0.05800 114 85 20 9
1375 You were an adequate employee, Bob, but Hannah here is Best in Show. 1.3333 0.05627 111 81 23 7
1376 I think you’re an idiot but my dog says you’re senior executive material — which means we’re both right. When can you start ? 1.3333 0.06120 90 65 20 5
1377 Now you have to eat his homework. 1.3333 0.05920 99 72 21 6
1378 Under this agreement, anything the dog ever had in its mouth or thought it ever had in its mouth is his property. 1.3333 0.04830 132 98 26 8
1379 I'm sorry, but Sparky had better references. 1.3333 0.06126 102 76 18 8
1380 Don't forget you'll multiply that the contract term by 7. 1.3333 0.06560 72 51 18 3
1381 'Ruggles' is seeking pet emancipation plus damages in the amount of $3.2 million. He also wants the apartment, and your parking space. 1.3333 0.06091 99 73 19 7
1382 .... because he's got 21 dog years seniority, so you're fired. 1.3333 0.05480 111 80 25 6
1383 Each party in the mediation is considered the best boy and will refrain from rubbing, scratching, begging, or licking. 1.3333 0.05328 111 79 27 5
1384 Here are your termination documents. Sorry, but it's a dog eat dog world we work in. 1.3333 0.06120 90 65 20 5
1385 And, finally, please verify by signing here that he is your best friend. 1.3333 0.05087 114 80 30 4
1386 And Lastly , you agree to use his pronouns: they and them. 1.3333 0.05120 132 96 28 8
1387 If you agree to this liability waiver, my client will explain exactly what happened to your homework. 1.3333 0.05948 84 59 22 3
1388 Sparky here from Human Resources will go over the paperwork with you. 1.3333 0.06224 96 71 18 7
1389 Loyalty gets you far here. 1.3333 0.05120 123 88 29 6
1390 The contract covers nutrition, shelter, and testicles. 1.3333 0.05120 123 88 29 6
1391 Every dog has his day in court. 1.3333 0.05593 120 89 22 9
1392 And she would also like your slippers. 1.3333 0.05801 102 74 22 6
1393 We're sorry - you're just not a good boy. Sparky and I have decided to let you go. 1.3333 0.05671 96 68 24 4
1394 Now this one just says if you pet other dogs,she gets the house. 1.3333 0.05966 102 75 20 7
1395 We had hoped your sheep herding skills had been up to standard. 1.3333 0.04963 129 92 31 6
1396 I'm sure you will find Fluffy's number to be quite doable. 1.3333 0.04856 120 86 29 5
1397 He has a right to know his biological parents 1.3333 0.05581 108 78 24 6
1398 Ignore the wagging tail. My client will NOT agree to only one belly rub a day. 1.3333 0.05480 111 80 25 6
1399 In return, you will have to be his best friend, too. 1.3333 0.05671 96 68 24 4
1400 Why don't you chew on this. 1.3333 0.05237 114 81 28 5
1401 Fido is suing for you ex-wife to have custody. 1.3333 0.06185 84 60 20 4
1402 Further, my client would like to retain possession over the entire bone collection. 1.3333 0.05911 111 83 19 9
1403 If you just sign here, my client agrees that his bark is worse than his bite. 1.3333 0.05581 108 78 24 6
1404 It just states that you will never again blame it on my client. 1.3333 0.04772 114 78 34 2
1405 Unfortunately you haven't been a good boy 1.3333 0.06224 96 71 18 7
1406 Mr B Wow has asked me to administer a brief test to confirm your bone fides. 1.3333 0.05248 123 89 27 7
1407 Your resume is impressive but you just aren’t cute enough. 1.3333 0.05717 120 90 20 10
1408 You can keep custody of the kids, but he will always have their hearts. 1.3333 0.06086 81 57 21 3
1409 My client insists on these terms or she w-a-l-ks. 1.3333 0.05827 81 56 23 2
1410 My client contends that he is sick of being asked "Who's a Good Boy?" He will Sit and Stay until you sign these separation papers. 1.3333 0.05120 132 96 28 8
1411 He wants joint custody of Mittens 1.3333 0.05204 120 86 28 6
1412 Ms. Lulu concedes that she may have spent too much time taking care of business but suggests that if you would have taken her out more often, we wouldn’t be here today. 1.3333 0.05771 111 82 21 8
1413 Ralph has decided to change his best friend to your wife Cynthia. 1.3333 0.06152 105 79 17 9
1414 Central Park is non-negotiable. 1.3333 0.05966 102 75 20 7
1415 Now Frank, please write down your version. 1.3310 0.05166 142 106 25 11
1416 My client will agree to wearing only one winter sweater each year,and cannot have ruffles. 1.3310 0.04764 142 102 33 7
1417 Now that your uncle let the company go to the dogs there is nothing left for you 1.3309 0.04611 139 98 36 5
1418 He wants you to be a good boy and sign here. 1.3309 0.04831 139 100 32 7
1419 And this one states that she will retain the house in the Hamptons. 1.3308 0.05051 130 94 29 7
1420 He's willing to sign over the doghouse if he can keep the couch. 1.3308 0.04931 130 93 31 6
1421 Our dog sitters are required to sign an NDA. 1.3306 0.04955 124 88 31 5
1422 I can't emphasize this enough—you can bring your dog to board meetings, but under no circumstances can they vote. 1.3306 0.05458 124 92 23 9
1423 I’m sorry but we hired the dog. 1.3306 0.05914 121 93 16 12
1424 My client would like you to agree to pay for monthly grooming. 1.3306 0.05676 121 91 20 10
1425 He is asking for joint custody of your kids and alimony. 1.3305 0.05254 118 85 27 6
1426 She found out about you and the neighbor's dog 1.3305 0.05523 118 87 23 8
1427 One last bone of contention, he wants to stay in the house and not outside. 1.3304 0.05622 115 85 22 8
1428 Just a formality prior to adoption, but please be aware of the 'no neuter clause" . 1.3304 0.05200 115 82 28 5
1429 You’re fired, but I’m keeping the dog. 1.3304 0.05200 115 82 28 5
1430 I'm sorry, sir, but we are looking to diversify our work force. 1.3304 0.06264 112 87 13 12
1431 It's all spelled out here: you get the red leash and the plastic food dish. He gets the dog house, the chew toy, and the BMW. 1.3304 0.05866 112 84 19 9
1432 My client has become used to a certain standard of belly rubs. 1.3303 0.05383 109 78 26 5
1433 This is our final offer. Otherwise, my client W-A-L-K-S away. 1.3303 0.05690 109 80 22 7
1434 As per the agreement, you will henceforth cease and desist from any reference to my client, oral or written, to include all social media, as your "Fur Baby". 1.3303 0.05837 109 81 20 8
1435 You’ll have to settle for half, sir. The rest has been eaten. 1.3303 0.05538 109 79 24 6
1436 He says that squatter's rights allow him to keep the home. 1.3302 0.05315 106 75 27 4
1437 We need your signarure, too. 1.3302 0.04966 106 73 31 2
1438 I'm sorry, but Buster is better qualified. 1.3301 0.05753 103 75 22 6
1439 She’s not willing to follow your lead anymore. 1.3301 0.05412 103 73 26 4
1440 He says he'll drop the complaint if you roll over and beg. 1.3301 0.05917 103 76 20 7
1441 Nowhere in the Constitution does it say she is required to come when you call. 1.3301 0.05048 103 71 30 2
1442 He can smell employee discontent, can you? 1.3301 0.05586 103 74 24 5
1443 The dog has already signed. 1.3300 0.05870 100 73 21 6
1444 You’re a good employee, but pickles tells me you’re not a good boy. 1.3300 0.06204 100 75 17 8
1445 We’d like you to take the lead on this. 1.3300 0.06039 100 74 19 7
1446 And on behalf of my client, I’ll just add “who’s a bad man?” 1.3300 0.05695 100 72 23 5
1447 The plaintiff does not agree that it is a dog eat dog world 1.3299 0.05993 97 71 20 6
1448 We'll hire him, but you need to confirm that he'll whine quietly onscreen during the scene of his mistress's death. 1.3299 0.05623 97 69 24 4
1449 She's OK with paper on the floor, but it's a dealbreaker if it's not The Times. 1.3298 0.05737 94 67 23 4
1450 She says that you can keep the cats 1.3298 0.06307 94 70 17 7
1451 Sir, all we ask is for you to give a dog a bone. 1.3298 0.05933 94 68 21 5
1452 No,head scratches and sleeping on the bed are not optional. 1.3298 0.05933 94 68 21 5
1453 Britney wants the house. She's repeatedly marked it as her territory, so she feels she's entitled to it. 1.3297 0.05646 91 64 24 3
1454 My client here says you told him to speak without a lawyer present. 1.3297 0.05859 91 65 22 4
1455 And according to this addendum you will no longer retain the title of Master. 1.3297 0.06261 91 67 18 6
1456 To summarize; my client agrees to live in your domicile and behave as he pleases. You agree to provide for his every need and desire as enumerated in pages one through ten. Questions 1.3295 0.06609 88 66 15 7
1457 Just sign here and we'll stop hounding you. 1.3294 0.05891 85 60 22 3
1458 This clearly has not been a walk in the park for either of you. 1.3294 0.06775 85 64 14 7
1459 You keep the house but you share custody of the fire hydrant out front. 1.3293 0.06505 82 60 17 5
1460 Don't worry, I am working pro bone. 1.3289 0.07583 76 59 9 8
1461 My client is suing you for fraud when you pretended to throw his ball during fetch on January 3rd, 2021 1.3288 0.04871 146 107 30 9
1462 My client is willing to offer shared custody of the soggy tennis ball, but nothing more. 1.3287 0.04736 143 103 33 7
1463 Look who has the tail between their legs now. 1.3285 0.04872 137 99 31 7
1464 Now, regarding custody of the cat ... 1.3285 0.05087 137 101 27 9
1465 and Bowser agrees to forgo dog-support payments in return for you relinquishing ownership of your slippers 1.3282 0.05134 131 96 27 8
1466 You let the cat out of the bag. 1.3282 0.05018 131 95 29 7
1467 Sorry, he says you just aren't dog food commercial material! 1.3281 0.05096 128 95 25 8
1468 This is a restraining order. You've been a bad boy. 1.3279 0.05390 122 90 24 8
1469 He no longer wants to be your best friend. 1.3279 0.05132 122 88 28 6
1470 We're sorry, Mr. Smith. But after reading your review, Rusty from HR has determined that you are Not A Very God Boy. 1.3279 0.05871 122 94 16 12
1471 Sorry it was a typo, we meant to say 'God be with you', not 'Dog be with you' 1.3277 0.05612 119 89 21 9
1472 Now that you sat, you need to beg and roll over. 1.3277 0.05483 119 88 23 8
1473 He’s willing to let you sleep in the dog house. 1.3277 0.04936 119 84 31 4
1474 To Jasper, the decline in daily walks supports his irreconcilable differences argument. 1.3276 0.05581 116 86 22 8
1475 So you've both agreed to the terms of adoption? 1.3276 0.05015 116 82 30 4
1476 My client is seeking the house,but is willing to offer you full custody of the cat. 1.3273 0.05342 110 79 26 5
1477 My client has agreed to let you keep the house, so long as he retains exclusive rights to all bones buried out in the yard. 1.3273 0.05496 110 80 24 6
1478 Mr. Crispers is willing to let you keep the ball and the leash, but the house is non-negotiable. 1.3273 0.05342 110 79 26 5
1479 My client has a new best friend. 1.3273 0.05646 110 81 22 7
1480 Sorry, but revoking the best friend clause is not negotiable 1.3273 0.05103 110 80 25 5
1481 ‘’I’m sorry but we’ve already cast Rex as Travis. But, you can still read for Old Yeller’’ 1.3271 0.05599 107 80 20 7
1482 The defendant might comply with the cease and desist if you command him to Drop-It. 1.3271 0.05754 107 79 21 7
1483 In 25 words or less, if you were a dog, what breed would you be and why? Think carefully. 1.3269 0.05102 104 75 25 4
1484 He wants to see your papers. 1.3269 0.05707 104 76 22 6
1485 He is negotiating for more walks or he will leave with your ex. 1.3269 0.05541 104 75 24 5
1486 Charlie wants Brad Pitt to play him in the movie. 1.3267 0.06310 101 77 15 9
1487 He wants the kids on weekends. 1.3267 0.05821 101 74 21 6
1488 As agreed, every Tuesday he gets to pee on the rhododendron. 1.3265 0.05941 98 72 20 6
1489 No alimony, but walks and petting rights are non-negotiable 1.3265 0.05384 98 69 26 3
1490 Be thankful she is not a cat. 1.3265 0.06450 98 75 14 9
1491 My client will drop his complaint of abandonment if you agree to stay home and give him belly rubs on demand. 1.3265 0.05761 98 71 22 5
1492 We’re downsizing. It was you or the dog. The chairman likes the dog. Here are your separation papers.” 1.3263 0.06068 95 70 19 6
1493 Fido will give you the wife, but he wants the kids. 1.3261 0.06008 92 67 20 5
1494 The owner left him the company. He has a few questions for you." 1.3261 0.06008 92 67 20 5
1495 My client will not roll over in these negotiations. 1.3258 0.05712 89 63 23 3
1496 We laid off HR. This is Buddy, your assigned "support dog." His email is in your packet. 1.3258 0.04749 132 94 33 5
1497 Not lease. Leash. 1.3256 0.04942 129 93 30 6
1498 My client would like to part ways here, before another pandemic. He states that he can't get through another lockdown being an emotional sponge for your mood swings. 1.3256 0.06286 86 63 18 5
1499 My client is willing to give you the house in exchange for full custody of the cat and the brown loafers you keep in the hall closet. 1.3254 0.05143 126 92 27 7
1500 He's willing to give up people food and sleeping on the bed, but he'd like scratches behind the ear on weekends and holidays. 1.3253 0.05713 83 58 23 2
1501 I can return your homework if you sign this retraction, release, and non-disparagement agreement. 1.3252 0.05596 123 93 20 10
1502 Can you tell me what he wrote I can’t read. 1.3250 0.06104 80 57 20 3
1503 She gets the house, alimony, and the Purina stock. 1.3250 0.05181 120 87 27 6
1504 He's seeking compensation for missed walks. 1.3250 0.05181 120 89 24 7
1505 Mr. Farmer,Bingo is suing you for using his name in the song without his permission. 1.3250 0.05444 120 89 23 8
1506 One last thing before you sign: Max, here, would like a demonstration of your rope-tugging skills. 1.3250 0.05044 120 86 29 5
1507 You’re in breach of contract-my client asserts that the walks were shorter than promised and the “treats” were subpar. 1.3250 0.05314 120 88 25 7
1508 Then it's agreed: you keep the house and car, and Fluffy keeps all of your shoes. 1.3250 0.05444 120 89 23 8
1509 Ruffles here from HR said your begging worked. You're hired. 1.3248 0.05268 117 85 26 6
1510 ‘He’s here to discuss his AARF membership.’ 1.3248 0.05126 117 84 28 5
1511 'Face it: Rover is the Instagram account. Take the offer or he bow-wows out.' 1.3247 0.05974 77 54 21 2
1512 He doesn’t want money; just food and lodging in a warm location! 1.3246 0.05212 114 82 27 5
1513 If you sign over all of the tennis balls he will say you are a good boy. 1.3246 0.05502 114 84 23 7
1514 So we're agreed. Keith gets the house, the car and the cats. Spooner gets the compost pile and half your shoes. 1.3243 0.05602 111 82 22 7
1515 She's a silent partner. 1.3243 0.06413 74 53 18 3
1516 As per the settlement agreement, in exchange for all chew toys and bones, here are the exact locations of your missing socks and shoes, which may or may not be chewed to all hell already. 1.3243 0.07227 74 56 12 6
1517 And this is Mr. Rover's Non-Disclosure Agreement, which forbids you as dog-walker to reveal number of cats chased, bites given, and, most importantly, pee showers given or received. 1.3243 0.05302 111 80 26 5
1518 It’s a dog eat Doug world. 1.3243 0.05602 111 82 22 7
1519 She wants full custody of the puppies. 1.3243 0.05454 111 81 24 6
1520 I think you’ll find it’s a standard pre-pup. 1.3243 0.05302 111 80 26 5
1521 And now she wants to know your pedigree 1.3241 0.05555 108 79 23 6
1522 My client insists that you bark once if you agree and twice if you don't. 1.3241 0.05234 108 77 27 4
1523 This is a blank piece of paper. My client would like you to sniff it and bark once if you agree. 1.3241 0.05858 108 81 19 8
1524 Yes, it's a hard bargain; but, it's a dog eat dog world. 1.3239 0.07170 71 53 13 5
1525 Your competitor just scored in the 98th percentile on the application. Here, let's see how well you do! 1.3238 0.05327 105 75 26 4
1526 By signing this, Fido admits to no wrong doing 1.3238 0.04687 105 79 21 5
1527 The pooper-scooper clause is non-negotiable. 1.3238 0.05820 105 78 20 7
1528 He can pee in the house twice a week. That’s his final offer. 1.3238 0.05327 105 75 26 4
1529 He’s requesting that you to continue to work from home. 1.3235 0.05601 102 74 23 5
1530 And, of course he gets the house and the ball. Yes he does, yes he does. 1.3235 0.05243 102 72 27 3
1531 She'll waive the kibble and chew toys if you'll keep the damn cat. 1.3232 0.05890 99 73 20 6
1532 So, it's decided. At least 3 walks a day and no dry food with yellow corn in it. 1.3232 0.06062 99 74 18 7
1533 She left Fido the house, the car, and the boat, but at least you get the airline miles. 1.3232 0.05435 99 73 21 5
1534 She has clearly spoken, now you must sign. 1.3232 0.05890 99 73 20 6
1535 The only remaining issue is who gets custody of your wife. 1.3232 0.05890 99 73 20 6
1536 Sparky solved the problem in three minutes. Good luck. 1.3229 0.06194 96 72 17 7
1537 By signing here,you agree that Muffers is indeed a good boy. 1.3229 0.05638 96 69 23 4
1538 He wants the bed, the couch, and the doggie door. That's all. 1.3229 0.06194 96 72 17 7
1539 We will need your ruff draft by Friday. 1.3229 0.05829 96 70 21 5
1540 Please mind your language. My client prefers 'female dog.' 1.3229 0.05829 96 70 21 5
1541 This doesn’t have to be ruff. An agreement is pawsible, if we renegotiate the terms of the leash. 1.3229 0.06369 96 73 15 8
1542 She wants a little more meat left on that bone. 1.3228 0.05463 127 96 21 10
1543 My client is suing for defamation and insists that he is a good boy. 1.3226 0.05547 93 66 24 3
1544 We read your report, Robinson, and frankly, we just don't think it passes the smell test. 1.3226 0.06516 93 71 14 8
1545 My client agrees to use the curb, subject to the condition that, if you are as much as 10 minutes late in taking him for a walk, then, in his sole absolute discretion, he may use the bed, the couch, or the living room floor instead. 1.3226 0.05547 93 66 24 3
1546 We’re sorry we have to replace you but, you see, Spot has all his shots 1.3226 0.06334 93 70 16 7
1547 No, not a pre-nup. It's a pre-pup." 1.3226 0.06146 93 69 18 6
1548 We've covered walks, belly rubs and treats ... now we have to address your girlfriend's cat. 1.3223 0.05406 121 90 23 8
1549 If you don't sign this, she walks. 1.3222 0.05434 90 63 25 2
1550 We'll put a positive spin on the divorce by calling it a loving unleashing. 1.3222 0.05434 90 68 17 5
1551 She wants the chew toys, the toilet bowl, and all of your best shoes." 1.3222 0.05434 90 63 25 2
1552 You get the puppies every other weekend. 1.3222 0.06085 90 66 19 5
1553 In your own words, please tell me and Captain Rover exactly what happened last Tuesday night. 1.3220 0.05230 118 86 26 6
1554 And these are your walking papers. 1.3218 0.06436 87 65 16 6
1555 She wants full custody! 1.3218 0.06640 87 66 14 7
1556 Sign this NDA and he'll tell you, once and for all, who's been a good boy. 1.3217 0.05599 115 86 21 8
1557 No Mr Smith, Fido gets the house. You keep the tennis balls. 1.3217 0.05461 115 85 23 7
1558 Now, who gets the wife? 1.3217 0.05391 115 87 20 8
1559 My client wants the kids, the house and the ball. 1.3217 0.05599 115 86 21 8
1560 Does this answer your incessant 'Who's a good boy?' question? 1.3214 0.06144 84 61 19 4
1561 Bad news, Jenkins. Scooter finished first and got the promotion. 1.3214 0.07016 84 65 11 8
1562 Yes, he is your replacement. 1.3214 0.05560 112 83 22 7
1563 You can keep the house. She wants the tennis balls. 1.3214 0.06144 84 61 19 4
1564 The leader of the pack is quite impressed with your résumé as an emotional support human. 1.3214 0.05262 112 81 26 5
1565 Buster is finished chewing on your proposal. 1.3214 0.06144 84 61 19 4
1566 Daily walks and belly rubs are his final offer. 1.3214 0.05413 112 82 24 6
1567 You misjudge the size of the fight in my client. 1.3214 0.04890 140 103 29 8
1568 It’s just a proposal. His ruff draft. 1.3211 0.05355 109 79 25 5
1569 She is willing to share custody of the cat, but the easy chair is hers 1.3211 0.05812 109 82 19 8
1570 This is his final arfer. 1.3211 0.05194 109 78 27 4
1571 ... you get the dog house and visitation with the puppies every other weekend. 1.3211 0.05812 109 82 19 8
1572 My client would like you to throw him a bone. 1.3211 0.05194 109 78 27 4
1573 Furthermore, my client demands that you immediately desist from calling her “Poochie.” 1.3211 0.05512 109 80 23 6
1574 As your best friend, he'd like half your estate - -preferably the grass and bushes part. 1.3208 0.05286 106 76 26 4
1575 OK, now it's time to write down YOUR pet peeves. 1.3208 0.05453 106 77 24 5
1576 ...and Sparky gets the doghouse. 1.3206 0.04879 131 95 30 6
1577 Before she enters into a contract of ownership with you, she wants you to agree to certain terms, including a cat-free household. 1.3206 0.04757 131 94 32 5
1578 My client has informed me that what ever number you see on this paper should be multiplied by seven. 1.3206 0.04998 131 96 28 7
1579 By signing, you'll be agreeing not to neuter my client. 1.3205 0.06187 78 56 19 3
1580 Topping Cooper's list of demands will be a binding no vet policy. 1.3204 0.05556 103 75 23 5
1581 My client demands possession of all squishy and squeaky toys 1.3204 0.05202 103 73 27 3
1582 He wants the Montana sofa. That’s our final offer. 1.3204 0.05724 103 76 21 6
1583 Please note that I’m handling this case for my client pro-bone-o. 1.3200 0.05840 100 74 20 6
1584 I'm sorry, Rex says that your resume doesn't pass the sniff test 1.3200 0.05840 100 74 20 6
1585 This is my client’s settlement offer, which we think is more than fair. Of course, the girlfriend will stay with him. 1.3200 0.05295 100 71 26 3
1586 You agree then to his care and feeding in perpetuity in return for psychological support services. Sign here. 1.3200 0.05295 100 71 26 3
1587 You gotta throw us a bone here. 1.3200 0.05483 100 72 24 4
1588 Now, Steve, we didn't want to play hard, but we have to throw the puppy eyes at you 1.3200 0.06010 100 75 18 7
1589 And this is the agreement to see the puppies every other weekend. 1.3197 0.05109 122 89 27 6
1590 Before he signs this,he's going to need to sniff your butt. 1.3196 0.05778 97 71 21 5
1591 Henceforth, please cease from referring to my client as “that Bitch” 1.3196 0.05589 97 70 23 4
1592 He consents to share your wife. 1.3196 0.06311 97 74 15 8
1593 My client seeks the right to work from his dog house. 1.3196 0.05589 97 70 23 4
1594 I'm sorry. We can't continue to let sleeping dogs lie. 1.3196 0.05394 97 69 25 3
1595 My client also requests one dozen boxes of the T-R-E-A-T-S. 1.3196 0.05778 97 71 21 5
1596 Bobby Is willing to accept your new girlfriend sleeping in your common bed on fridays and saturdays as long as you change his balanced dog food for human home made meals. 1.3196 0.05961 97 72 19 6
1597 Woof. Woof, woof. 1.3196 0.05961 97 72 19 6
1598 It's just a knick knack, Paddy Wack, give the dog his bone. 1.3191 0.05899 94 69 20 5
1599 Let's face it, Mr. Cohn. You've had your day; now it's Rusty's. 1.3191 0.05899 94 69 20 5
1600 You weren't that far off when you said, 'The bitch is taking me for everything I own' 1.3191 0.05899 94 69 20 5
1601 Well, you weren’t COMPLETELY left out of your Mother’s will… Here’s the small list of what she didn’t leave to Benji… 1.3191 0.06090 94 70 18 6
1602 My client wants the full custody of the ball 1.3191 0.06275 94 71 16 7
1603 I hope your resume shows you're half the man your dog thinks you are. 1.3191 0.06090 94 70 18 6
1604 Fido get's the house, its contents, and custody of your wife and children; you get the cat. 1.3191 0.05899 94 69 20 5
1605 So, we are in agreement. You get the vacation property, and Molly gets the house and the couch. 1.3190 0.05281 116 85 25 6
1606 He wants to keep the kids 1.3190 0.05137 116 84 27 5
1607 She keeps the house and the kids. You get the dog. And it's over." 1.3190 0.05281 116 85 25 6
1608 He wants half of your bones. 1.3190 0.05557 116 87 21 8
1609 While the terms of this legal separation may seem punitive, my client never claimed to be a good boy. 1.3190 0.04836 116 82 31 3
1610 While my client is legally obligated to be man's best friend, his contract doesn't specifically necessitate being yours. 1.3187 0.05608 91 65 23 3
1611 Per the terms of your prepuptial agreement, Lady gets the doghouse, the tennis ball, and the Monet. 1.3187 0.05386 91 64 25 2
1612 When they said our business was going to the dogs, I didn't know it would be a hostile takeover. 1.3187 0.05386 91 64 25 2
1613 I’d also like you to list your favorite treats.” 1.3186 0.04912 113 80 30 3
1614 Now that he has reproduced your homework, will you write him a letter of gratitude? 1.3186 0.05373 113 83 24 6
1615 No pun intended, but you might say that are signing his 'walking papers' although you won't be walking him anymore. 1.3186 0.05223 113 82 26 5
1616 Bottom line: daily steak breakfasts and no cats in the house. 1.3186 0.05373 113 83 24 6
1617 He’s giving you full custody of the cat” 1.3185 0.05004 135 100 27 8
1618 You've been accused of giving inappropriate belly rubs. 1.3182 0.04727 132 95 32 5
1619 No, your severance package does not include the dog. Mr. Cuddles is here to convey empathy. 1.3182 0.06373 88 66 16 6
1620 Your resume says that you like cats. That’s going to be a problem. 1.3182 0.05314 110 80 25 5
1621 Since you dropped out of college and left home to pursue your dream, your father has left you $100 and his personal copy of The Seven Habits of Highly Successful People. The dog gets the rest. 1.3182 0.06373 88 66 16 6
1622 I have your performance report right here. Looks like you have NOT been a good boy this quarter." 1.3182 0.04603 132 94 34 4
1623 Our final offer is 2 walks a day and one rawhide treat before bed. 1.3182 0.05949 88 64 20 4
1624 In exchange for your cooperation,my client has agreed to be a good boy. 1.3178 0.05571 107 79 22 6
1625 I am so sorry but the dog has a better nose for business 1.3176 0.05849 85 61 21 3
1626 She wants master support, property and debt division, attorney’s fees, and sole custody of all squeaky toys. 1.3175 0.04867 126 91 30 5
1627 We can both promise you a new leash on life. 1.3175 0.05121 126 93 26 7
1628 My client's Agreement merely states that you cannot seek any damages if you happen to step in dog poop 1.3173 0.05339 104 75 25 4
1629 Let's see if you can do better than the other applicant. 1.3173 0.05840 104 78 19 7
1630 Sniff where it's marked, then piddle at the bottom. 1.3171 0.06693 82 62 14 6
1631 By "irreconcilable differences" she's referring, of course, to the new kitten. 1.3171 0.05330 123 92 23 8
1632 Maybe you should have thought about that before you mined the bitcoin in Miss Fee Fee di Napoli's name. 1.3171 0.05204 123 91 25 7
1633 So, we have agreed the dog will take the wife? 1.3171 0.05330 123 92 23 8
1634 Rex has agreed to work here provided you walk him twice a day. 1.3171 0.06227 82 60 18 4
1635 Let's be honest. Any jury will favor him over you. 1.3168 0.05790 101 75 20 6
1636 Fido would also like monetary compensation for all the times you pretended to throw the ball. 1.3168 0.05790 101 75 20 6
1637 My client says you can keep the newspaper subscription. 1.3168 0.05437 101 73 24 4
1638 Don't worry. Her claim you treated her like a dog won't hold up in court. 1.3168 0.05252 101 72 26 3
1639 Although your father left his entire estate to Mitzi, she would like to offer you lodging in exchange for walks, treats, and belly rubs as specified in this contract. 1.3167 0.05156 120 88 26 6
1640 It's non-negotiable, the cats got to go! 1.3167 0.05019 120 87 28 5
1641 My client suggests you be a good, good boy and sign the pre-pup agreement as written. 1.3167 0.05290 120 89 24 7
1642 The only bone of contention from Rex is the monthly BarkBox subscription. 1.3167 0.05290 120 89 24 7
1643 As you can imagine, we do the rescue dog process a little differently here in The Hamptons. 1.3165 0.06871 79 60 13 6
1644 You can stay on as general manager, but for ownership, Sparky feels he can do better. 1.3163 0.05909 98 73 19 6
1645 He wants you to sign a prepup agreement. 1.3163 0.05542 98 71 23 4
1646 Here's his offer: He says, 'go fetch yourself!'" 1.3163 0.05909 98 73 19 6
1647 Now on to the matter of tennis ball custody. 1.3163 0.05909 98 73 19 6
1648 He wants you to ease up on “heel”. Just sign here. 1.3162 0.05100 117 85 27 5
1649 You can have the kids if he gets the slippers. 1.3158 0.05185 114 83 26 5
1650 It’s a roll over account. 1.3158 0.05450 95 68 24 3
1651 Here you will find loyalty is paramount. 1.3158 0.05033 114 82 28 4
1652 Here are my client's terms. He's willing to negotiate if you can give him his balls back. 1.3158 0.05185 114 83 26 5
1653 My client will agree to the adoption if you can guarantee he always rides shotgun. 1.3158 0.05847 95 70 20 5
1654 And along with this restraining order, you’re prohibited from saying “Who’s a good boy?”. 1.3153 0.05427 111 82 23 6
1655 My client gets all the chew toys. This is not a negotiation. 1.3153 0.05576 111 83 21 7
1656 Ok, then it's settled. You get rid of the cat & he agrees to stop dry humping the guests. 1.3153 0.05721 111 84 19 8
1657 You realize,of course,that you are entering into a Fidoiary relationship. 1.3152 0.05769 92 67 21 4
1658 This form gives Squeezums the right to sue you should you try to change her name after the rescue papers are signed. 1.3152 0.06169 92 69 17 6
1659 Our client agrees to the neutering as long as you agree to undergo a similar procedure. 1.3152 0.06545 92 71 13 8
1660 He says you can have the house, but he wants the outdoors. 1.3152 0.05972 92 68 19 5
1661 He claims you never even used the couch. 1.3152 0.05338 92 65 25 2
1662 Your best friend has asked you to sign. 1.3148 0.05368 108 79 24 5
1663 Fluffy will be teaching our highly acclaimed work-life balance course. 1.3148 0.05368 108 79 24 5
1664 My client agrees to continue to be excited when you re-enter the room, and you agree to stop shaming him for a little piddle. 1.3146 0.05671 89 64 22 3
1665 My client is demanding that he be allowed in and out the door as often as he deems it necessary. 1.3146 0.05442 89 68 16 5
1666 I'm sorry, but you may find this news a bit ruff. 1.3145 0.05293 124 93 23 8
1667 Fluffy would like the kibble, chew toys and the house in the Hamptons. 1.3145 0.05293 124 93 23 8
1668 And just wipe your ass right here. 1.3145 0.05168 124 92 25 7
1669 I got him during covid and now that we are back in the office, he likes to come to work with me. Where’s your dog? 1.3143 0.05631 105 78 21 6
1670 Well, you have to admit Fido here has a thicker résumé. 1.3143 0.05296 105 76 25 4
1671 If you continue to disregard my client's privacy,we will be forced to take further legal action. 1.3143 0.05466 105 77 23 5
1672 My client’s demands are simple. He gets the big house and an unlimited supply of steak. You get the kennel in the backyard. 1.3143 0.05948 105 80 17 8
1673 His demands are modest: half of the bed, most of the sofa, and daily belly rubs lasting at least 10 minutes. Oh, and full custody of all discarded peanut butter jars. 1.3143 0.04938 105 76 26 3
1674 Well this 'bitch' is taking everything. 1.3143 0.05631 105 78 21 6
1675 Where did you get the idea he wants a divorce? The core of this action is that he wants to know, with public notice in a newspaper of record, who's a good boy. 1.3140 0.06024 86 63 19 4
1676 Since he is AKC, he's interested in your pedigree. 1.3137 0.05908 102 77 18 7
1677 Sure I can explain. The fine print says "woof woof, bark bark bark, growl!" 1.3137 0.05210 102 73 26 3
1678 Should you sign this form you will be agreeing to pay a monthly alibony payment 1.3137 0.05742 102 76 20 6
1679 Just sign here and my client will agree to let you go back to the office once a week in exchange for extra treats. 1.3137 0.05393 102 74 24 4
1680 So by signing this you agree that he gets the house and all the food,and you get to keep the car and your laptop 1.3137 0.05210 102 73 26 3
1681 We're looking for a different pedigree. 1.3137 0.05020 102 72 28 2
1682 He says you need to sign the dog-eared pages. 1.3137 0.05742 102 76 20 6
1683 Yes, unfortunately, you only get the doghouse and Scotty here gets everything else. 1.3136 0.04918 118 85 29 4
1684 Pre-pups are pretty much standard procedure these days, Mr. Hodges. 1.3136 0.05064 118 86 27 5
1685 Consider these your walking papers. 1.3136 0.05205 118 87 25 6
1686 Now be a good boy and sign here. 1.3133 0.06397 83 62 16 5
1687 This contract Stipulates that this is a forever adoption not subject to discovery of a cure for Covid. 1.3133 0.06841 83 64 12 7
1688 He doesn't believe the cat was just a fling. 1.3133 0.06164 83 61 18 4
1689 Fido’s making you a very good offer to live on a nice farm in the country. 1.3131 0.05679 99 73 21 5
1690 He wants the dog house, the tree in the front yard, all the bushes, and the cat with a bell on it. 1.3130 0.05147 115 84 26 5
1691 This cease and desist letter says Snowflake loves “good girl, good girl” but not to the point of insincerity. 1.3130 0.05709 115 88 18 9
1692 I'm sorry to be finding against you, but as arbiter in this matter, I had to ask myself, "who's a good boy?" 1.3130 0.05841 115 89 16 10
1693 Your dog wants the whole back yard and requests you remove your front tire from the Buick. He marked that before you were in this relationship. 1.3130 0.05435 115 86 22 7
1694 And finally, halloween costumes are completely off the table. 1.3130 0.04976 131 97 27 7
1695 You'll get custody of the couch Monday thru Wednesday. 1.3125 0.05602 96 70 22 4
1696 At this meeting, my client will be addressed as Mr. Good Boy. 1.3125 0.06162 96 73 16 7
1697 And last but not least, there's a certain operation you'll have to undergo. 1.3125 0.05386 112 83 23 6
1698 And once a year, we celebrate our Take Your Master to Work Day. If you want to participate, please sign here. 1.3125 0.05234 112 82 25 5
1699 This states that Buddy does not admit to eating the shoe but he does not wish to contend the charge. 1.3125 0.05078 112 81 27 4
1700 We spell out all our terms---for obvious reasons. 1.3125 0.05981 96 72 18 6
1701 He wants you to sleep on the floor 1.3125 0.05602 96 70 22 4
1702 He's not going to just roll over. 1.3125 0.05602 96 70 22 4
1703 She’ll take half your assets but she’ll still be your best friend. 1.3125 0.05602 96 70 22 4
1704 I think you'll find this equitable. You get the meat and he gets the bones. 1.3125 0.05602 96 70 22 4
1705 The Dog says that the New Yorker’s jokes used to be a lot funnier. 1.3125 0.05817 112 86 17 9
1706 You can have the house but Mr. Fluffy insists on shared custody of the children. 1.3125 0.05234 112 82 25 5
1707 All we're asking for is a seat at the table. 1.3125 0.05533 112 84 21 7
1708 She hears what you’re saying, but only if there’s a treat involved 1.3120 0.05257 125 94 23 8
1709 And as per the terms of our agreement, you now must finally disclose the identity of the 'Good boy.' 1.3120 0.05005 125 92 27 6
1710 Until the agreement is signed, you, Sir, are in the doghouse. 1.3120 0.05257 125 94 23 8
1711 In signing this you agree to give unlimited belly scratches in perpetuity. 1.3119 0.05164 109 79 26 4
1712 Looks like you'll be the one sleeping in the dog house now. 1.3119 0.05636 109 82 20 7
1713 The plaintiff intends to file a Reckless Abandonment suit, but she's willing to settle out of court right now if you'll agree to never leave for work again. 1.3118 0.05716 93 68 21 4
1714 My client is willing to throw you a bone. 1.3118 0.05508 93 69 20 4
1715 His offer is final. You keep the leash. He keeps your left slipper. 1.3118 0.05917 93 69 19 5
1716 So you'll get your side of the bed Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, and every other weekend. 1.3113 0.05744 106 80 19 7
1717 No, we’re not firing you, we’re simply sending you to our farm upstate. 1.3113 0.05423 106 78 23 5
1718 Rex wants you to sign a pre-pup agreement. Pretty standard language here. 1.3113 0.06049 106 82 15 9
1719 She says she’ll settle out of court, but she wants to see you beg. 1.3113 0.05423 106 78 23 5
1720 He wants full custody of the wife. 1.3111 0.06047 90 67 18 5
1721 He says he'll agree to your proposed settlement if you throw your slippers into the deal. 1.3111 0.05837 90 66 20 4
1722 With this settlement, my client drops his wrongful neutering case. 1.3109 0.05566 119 91 19 9
1723 I'm pleased that you are in agreement with my client in that your actions were bad. They were very, very bad. 1.3107 0.05858 103 78 18 7
1724 My client says you don’t have a leg to pee on. 1.3107 0.05524 103 76 22 5
1725 You've been SAYING he's such a good boy, and now its time to formalize it. 1.3107 0.05524 103 76 22 5
1726 In these types of cases, it is usually fortuitous to accept the plea bargain; “you get the house and he gets the wife”. 1.3107 0.05694 103 77 20 6
1727 I'm sorry but we've offered the position to Buddy. 1.3107 0.05858 103 78 18 7
1728 As a condition of the divorce my client is demanding unrestricted visitation rights to your front lawn and garden. 1.3107 0.05168 103 74 26 3
1729 My client demands that you sign this prenup. 1.3106 0.04825 132 97 29 6
1730 It was the scratching of the chest,the patting the rump and the nose to nose baby talk. 1.3106 0.04944 132 98 27 7
1731 Smell this. 1.3103 0.05395 116 87 22 7
1732 I assure you, my client’s bite is just as strong as his bark. 1.3103 0.05965 87 64 19 4
1733 Would you mind fetching these things 1.3103 0.05736 87 63 21 3
1734 This can all go away if you'll just sign this agreement stipulating my client's bite is, in fact, worse than her bark. 1.3103 0.05736 87 63 21 3
1735 Okay, that takes care of bowls and squeaky toys, let's move on to daily treats. 1.3103 0.06603 87 67 13 7
1736 In lieu of your pension package, the Chairman offers you his wife’s dog. 1.3103 0.05666 116 89 18 9
1737 Sign the dogdamn papers. 1.3103 0.05532 116 88 20 8
1738 And finally, my client insists that if you fall down a well, that you call her before Lassie. 1.3103 0.05250 87 61 25 1
1739 He’s tired of always being in the dog house 1.3101 0.04643 129 93 32 4
1740 Paw print, please. 1.3101 0.05138 129 97 24 8
1741 Yes. The NDA does cover this meeting. 1.3100 0.05631 100 74 21 5
1742 Just sign it, Mr. Williams. Don’t make my client play Ruff 1.3100 0.05449 100 73 23 4
1743 You obviously can sit. Talk to us more about your roll over.... 1.3100 0.05631 100 74 21 5
1744 We’re going to have to let you go, Skip. You haven’t been a good boy. 1.3100 0.05260 100 72 25 3
1745 One more thing: Just add that you’ll text him ‘Good boy!’ several times a day and we’ve got a deal 1.3100 0.04861 100 75 21 4
1746 I'm sorry that we can't help, your FIDO score is too low. 1.3099 0.07118 71 54 12 5
1747 My client has a bone to pick with your latest proposal. 1.3097 0.05041 113 82 27 4
1748 On paper, he’s a certified good boy. 1.3095 0.04709 126 93 28 5
1749 And this states that my client and I neither confirm nor deny chasing your ambulance. 1.3095 0.04972 126 93 27 6
1750 Who's in the doghouse now! 1.3095 0.05861 84 61 20 3
1751 She's willing to drop the action if you'll agree to stop calling her "my bitch" to your friends. 1.3095 0.04972 126 93 27 6
1752 Please know, the dog voted to retain you. 1.3093 0.05554 97 71 22 4
1753 I thought that seven-year itch was just fleas” 1.3093 0.06280 97 75 14 8
1754 We would have hired you,but unfortunately Fido ate your resume. 1.3093 0.05744 97 72 20 5
1755 My client thinks you should have the Prius, the washer/dryer, and the vacuum, but he gets the downstairs toilet, the 4k tv, and the neighbor’s cat. 1.3093 0.05744 97 72 20 5
1756 He said I should give you your walking papers. 1.3093 0.05744 97 72 20 5
1757 Final offer, three bones a day and we act like this never happened. 1.3093 0.05554 97 71 22 4
1758 Scruffy has asked for a separation because, although HE’S been a good boy, apparently YOU have not. 1.3091 0.05285 110 81 24 5
1759 My client can go as low as five belly rubs and 12 "good boys" per day, in exchange for not chewing up your slippers. Do we have an agreement? 1.3091 0.05441 110 82 22 6
1760 How would YOU feel about just one meal per day? 1.3091 0.05592 110 83 20 7
1761 And with this one, you’re agreeing to take full custody of the cat. 1.3091 0.05592 110 83 20 7
1762 My client is filing for divorce on the grounds of "irretrievable differences". 1.3088 0.04841 136 101 28 7
1763 Henceforth, you agree that each and every throwing motion shall result in the actual release of a ball. 1.3086 0.06246 81 60 17 4
1764 He's willing to negotiate, just don't make him beg! 1.3085 0.05459 94 68 23 3
1765 Muffy gets the house. You can stay in the kennel and keep the car. 1.3085 0.05863 94 70 19 5
1766 My client says he's ready to go on the papers. 1.3085 0.06241 94 72 15 7
1767 Fluffy will be sitting in on our meeting today. He’s from Nonhuman Resources. 1.3085 0.06241 94 72 15 7
1768 Gigi keeps the house and furniture, but she agrees to give you your choice of up to five of the chew toys. 1.3084 0.05851 107 82 17 8
1769 We've drawn up a pre-pup agreement.... Raw wagyu steak at least twice a week; no tricks expected; approval rights over prospective girlfriends. The usual stuff. 1.3084 0.05379 107 79 23 5
1770 We need your feedback on the ruff draft. 1.3084 0.05541 107 80 21 6
1771 Your list of duties would include belly rubs. 1.3084 0.05698 107 81 19 7
1772 And this is for calling my client a 'bitch.' 1.3083 0.05131 120 89 25 6
1773 The name of our firm is Wilson and Coco, and yes, she is a partner. 1.3083 0.04850 120 90 25 5
1774 Your property is a block away from the largest dog park in the city. We are prepared to offer you a generous sum for your house. Go ahead, flip it over. 1.3083 0.05773 120 94 15 11
1775 You'll be allowed to see the kids every other weekend 1.3083 0.04912 133 99 27 7
1776 Okay now write down a number and my partner and I will discuss if that's enough treats or not. 1.3077 0.05479 104 77 22 5
1777 My client is asking for the Manhattan crate and the East Hampton crate. 1.3077 0.05073 117 86 26 5
1778 My client wants to know what part of "best friend" you didn't understand. 1.3077 0.06190 91 69 16 6
1779 After careful consideration of your credentials, we've decided to hire Rex instead. 1.3077 0.05990 91 68 18 5
1780 It's corporate policy, John. Your comment, "we work you like a dog" just won't be tolerated here. 1.3077 0.05647 104 78 20 6
1781 Make his tail wag. 1.3077 0.05567 91 66 22 3
1782 My client wants the beach house, as well as your socks and the dental floss in the garbage. 1.3077 0.05127 104 75 26 3
1783 Mr. Chips will settle provided he is ceded both the doghouse property and indoor chewing rights. 1.3077 0.05859 78 56 20 2
1784 It’s a dog eat dog world So we hired the dog instead of you 1.3077 0.05990 91 68 18 5
1785 My client demands expanded time in the park and a new Frisbee. 1.3077 0.05567 91 66 22 3
1786 I'm afraid your resume didn't pass our sniff test. 1.3077 0.05567 91 66 22 3
1787 And finally, to ensure you are sincere, he wants to sniff you. 1.3077 0.05104 130 98 24 8
1788 … and of course, the vacuum cleaner will be going with you. 1.3077 0.05647 104 78 20 6
1789 You can keep the house but my client wants your wife in return 1.3077 0.06122 104 81 14 9
1790 I should warn you that this settlement will be no walk in the park. 1.3077 0.04941 104 74 28 2
1791 All things considered he says you weren’t the one. 1.3071 0.05245 127 99 18 10
1792 The prepup reads: no compromising on treats, down feather counts, and appropriate petting. 1.3070 0.05305 114 85 23 6
1793 Fido picked the right pile with the coin under it. Now it’s your turn. 1.3070 0.05305 114 85 23 6
1794 As of the new year you will no longer be best friends. 1.3070 0.05449 114 86 21 7
1795 Finally, as part of this prepup, my client wishes it established from the beginning and in perpetuity that he is a good boy. 1.3069 0.05217 101 73 25 3
1796 I've translated your dog's statement. 'Bow wow, bow wow' means 'Epstein didn't kill himself'. 1.3069 0.05583 101 75 21 5
1797 Page 23, paragraph 4.2, Rufus says that the wording isn't strong enough. "woof" should be replaced with "Grrrrr". 1.3069 0.05758 101 76 19 6
1798 You’re too controlling. He’s filing to be emancipated. 1.3069 0.05758 101 76 19 6
1799 I'm sorry we decided to go with loyalty. 1.3069 0.05758 101 76 19 6
1800 And finally, a map of all fire hydrants in a mile radius of your house. 1.3069 0.05758 101 76 19 6
1801 We're asking for the Malibu dog house, the fine bone china, and 50% alimony payable in spray cheese. 1.3069 0.05583 101 75 21 5
1802 In short, Scout's taking a walk. 1.3068 0.06124 88 66 17 5
1803 While not admitting to shoving Timmy into the well, my client extends this offer to make this go away. 1.3068 0.05447 88 63 23 2
1804 This is a collaborative divorce, I'm sure you can agree on who gets your wife. 1.3068 0.06124 88 66 17 5
1805 Regardless of his wagging tail, I can assure you my client is very serious. 1.3068 0.05907 88 65 19 4
1806 Yes, well, these proceedings would never have become necessary if you had heeded my client's earnest and urgent pleas for more walkies. 1.3068 0.06537 88 68 13 7
1807 He’s willing to meet you halfway on the snuggling, but frankly the number of walks you’re offering is a non-starter. 1.3068 0.05682 88 64 21 3
1808 This waiver allows my dog free access to your pant leg. 1.3065 0.04882 124 91 28 5
1809 Sure it's a bare bones deal, but it's as good as it's going to get. 1.3063 0.05086 111 81 26 4
1810 It says here your name is Dave but my client thinks Freckles would be way cuter. 1.3063 0.05975 111 87 14 10
1811 This is our final offer: my client want's his stick back" 1.3063 0.05399 111 83 22 6
1812 She only has one demand: The bed. 1.3063 0.05548 111 84 20 7
1813 My client’s position is that he’s a co-founder, not a pet. 1.3061 0.05506 98 72 22 4
1814 Your paperwork looks fine. Now we'll see if you pass the sniff test. 1.3061 0.05694 98 73 20 5
1815 By signing this you are agreeing that he is, indeed, a good boy 1.3059 0.06268 85 64 16 5
1816 My client keeps the territory that he has marked, e.g., the house. You may keep the cat. 1.3059 0.05803 85 62 20 3
1817 You witheld agreed upon treats and repeatedly failed to fairly compensate my client, despite him being, by your own admission, a 'good boy'. 1.3059 0.06040 85 63 18 4
1818 Firme aquí, su compañero se encargará del resto". 1.3059 0.06268 85 64 16 5
1819 This separation agreement stipulates you still need to pick up my clients poop. 1.3058 0.05358 121 92 21 8
1820 Here's the deal: You keep the kibbles, Fluffy gets the bits. 1.3058 0.05095 121 90 25 6
1821 His water bowl must now have ice cubes in it at all times. 1.3056 0.05652 108 82 19 7
1822 His 14 million Instagram followers prefer Todd, the dog walker. 1.3056 0.07032 72 55 12 5
1823 On these points–my client is dogged. 1.3056 0.05337 108 80 23 5
1824 The contract divides the duties. You'll be the one carrying the bag. 1.3056 0.05172 108 79 25 4
1825 As you wished, you got the dog and she got the house and kids. 1.3056 0.07568 72 57 8 7
1826 We've prepared your pre-puptual. 1.3053 0.04584 131 97 29 5
1827 Paper training is mandatory. 1.3053 0.05200 95 68 25 2
1828 My therapy dog made the difficult decision to terminate your employment 1.3053 0.05614 95 70 21 4
1829 The cat has to go. 1.3053 0.05810 95 71 19 5
1830 I am the one advising you. Do not look over there. 1.3053 0.06000 95 72 17 6
1831 Submit a caption. Play to win. 1.3053 0.06362 95 74 13 8
1832 He wants the mansion and you can have the doghouse. 1.3053 0.05614 95 70 21 4
1833 Best friend,yes,but with conditions. 1.3053 0.04980 95 67 27 1
1834 As you’re about to find out, a dog is not man’s best friend. 1.3053 0.05810 95 71 19 5
1835 Nothing will happen to your carpet, so long as my client receives adequate treats 1.3051 0.05036 118 87 26 5
1836 This is a ruff outline of his demands. 1.3049 0.05933 82 60 19 3
1837 I'm sorry, Jim. But only Rusty successfully completed the mandatory corporate obedience training. 1.3049 0.06420 82 62 15 5
1838 He'll stay with you, but wants your wife's biscuits. 1.3049 0.06181 82 61 17 4
1839 Given you pretended to throw the ball, but didn't, my client is prepared to settle for two milk bones and four tennis balls 1.3048 0.05434 105 78 22 5
1840 My client Fido would like you to sign this pet-nuptial agreement before he can accept you as his human. 1.3048 0.05086 105 76 26 3
1841 And two walks on Sundays . . . 1.3048 0.05434 105 78 22 5
1842 Your puppy wants you to sign this prepuptual agreement 1.3047 0.04905 128 95 27 6
1843 As agreed. Spike keeps the bed, the couch, and the backyard, and you keep the chair, the pillow, and the front yard. Sign here. 1.3043 0.05296 92 66 24 2
1844 In addition to the no-neutering clause,he also requires one of those really cool collars with the spikes on it. 1.3043 0.05934 92 69 18 5
1845 My assistant is in the doghouse 1.3043 0.05624 92 70 17 5
1846 He'll take house and the car and says you can keep your 401K and and your little trophy cat. 1.3043 0.04967 115 84 27 4
1847 He says, “You can keep the cat but he wants the blue water bowl.” 1.3043 0.05265 115 86 23 6
1848 She wants full custody and puppy support. 1.3043 0.05729 92 68 20 4
1849 Well,here's your pink slip and a chance to meet our new V.P. who earns 1/10 of your salary. 1.3043 0.05044 115 87 22 6
1850 She's taking the puppies. 1.3043 0.06324 92 71 14 7
1851 Before we finalize the adoption, my client wants to tighten up the language about how you define a ‘good boy.’ 1.3040 0.05108 125 94 24 7
1852 You can keep the house, but Mr. Waggles gets the kids 1.3039 0.05536 102 76 21 5
1853 Given the pandemic, my client would like a 'prepup'. 1.3039 0.05174 102 74 25 3
1854 Next time, bring your dog to the job interview too. 1.3038 0.07059 79 62 10 7
1855 My client wants visitation rights with the children on weekends in which he's a good boy. 1.3037 0.04962 135 102 25 8
1856 He wants you to change his name from Rover to Fred. 1.3036 0.05505 112 85 20 7
1857 But none of your references are canine. 1.3036 0.04886 112 81 28 3
1858 Sit. Stay. Roll over. 1.3036 0.04886 112 81 28 3
1859 Your severance contains a bonus for staying on to complete the training of Mr. Fluffykins. 1.3036 0.04886 112 81 28 3
1860 You can keep the house, but he wants your old slippers, his tennis ball, and the rug you wouldn't let him poop on. 1.3036 0.05205 112 83 24 5
1861 The question of who bit who will be answered in court, sir. 1.3036 0.05505 112 85 20 7
1862 My client is countering your offer to share east end of the couch with granting him exclusive rights to the lower three feet of the bed. 1.3036 0.05205 112 83 24 5
1863 Well then let me put this in a language you'll understand. 1.3034 0.05628 89 65 21 3
1864 It’s a pretty standard prepup. 1.3034 0.05397 89 64 23 2
1865 The one non-negotiable is that you get rid of the cat. 1.3034 0.05628 89 65 21 3
1866 Agreed. Henceforth my client will be known by the name Phydeaux 1.3034 0.06272 89 68 15 6
1867 You get the dog house. She gets the estate in the Hamptons, the Mercedes, and monthly alimony to be paid in tennis balls." 1.3034 0.06472 89 69 13 7
1868 And this is your standard leash agreement. 1.3033 0.05320 122 93 21 8
1869 She'll give you the dog house and leash but she wants all your tennis balls and the back yard. 1.3033 0.05059 122 91 25 6
1870 If Rover doesn't bark when you pick up the paper, you're hired. 1.3030 0.05824 99 75 18 6
1871 Please. Just write down your side of the story. 1.3030 0.05266 99 72 24 3
1872 My client is willing to accept an offer of the bowl, chew toy, bone and tennis ball as a sign of good faith.... 1.3030 0.05459 99 73 22 4
1873 If you do better on this little quiz than Ralph here, the job’s yours. 1.3030 0.05644 99 74 20 5
1874 He forfeits the house but insists on visitation rights with your wife, kids and parents. 1.3030 0.05824 99 75 18 6
1875 She says the weekly grooming sessions are negotiable, but the dog house in the Catskills & the costume jewelry collar are deal breakers. 1.3028 0.05607 109 83 19 7
1876 …and in the event that you survive Brandy, she’d like you to have the shoes she’s buried in the back yard. 1.3028 0.05132 109 80 25 4
1877 It may seem ridiculous Mr Smith but it’s exactly as per the pre-nup that you signed; Hector gets the ride-on lawnmower. 1.3028 0.05453 109 82 21 6
1878 Well of course he’s a dog but he’s an incredible attorney. It’s a real T R E A T to work with him. 1.3028 0.05453 109 82 21 6
1879 Your visitation rights will require two trips to an off -leash dog park. 1.3026 0.06218 76 56 17 3
1880 My client is asking for visitation rights of the cat and ownership of the doghouse. 1.3026 0.06218 76 56 17 3
1881 My client alleges you misrepresented yourself as a dog on the internet. 1.3023 0.06204 86 65 16 5
1882 Promise to stop picking up the cat poop in the backyard and Rex will agree to settle. 1.3023 0.03749 129 101 24 4
1883 My client states you breached paragraph nine of your contract, “Dog park visit on Fridays”. 1.3023 0.04996 129 97 25 7
1884 He"ll agree to "being fixed" if you do" 1.3023 0.05980 86 64 18 4
1885 …and he wants tennis ballimony for life. 1.3023 0.05747 86 63 20 3
1886 In exchange for three nutritious meals a day and a minimum of two daily walks my client agrees to love you unconditionally and to not destroy any upholstery. 1.3021 0.05758 96 72 19 5
1887 Maybe you should have thought about that before bringing some random pussy into the home you shared together. 1.3021 0.05758 96 72 19 5
1888 We are sorry it has come to this, but you've missed Walkies two Thursdays in a row. 1.3021 0.05758 96 72 19 5
1889 You get the kids. Max gets the peanut butter. 1.3021 0.05946 96 73 17 6
1890 Thank you for accepting the job offer. Nobody else would have a Maltese dog as their employer. 1.3021 0.05758 96 72 19 5
1891 We're downsizing...Beth here from HR will walk you through next steps 1.3019 0.06020 106 83 14 9
1892 She will sign over her dog house in exchange for a lifetime of grooming, organic food and placement with a family that doesn't call her "old stinky" 1.3019 0.05869 106 82 16 8
1893 If you could just sign under the paw print. 1.3017 0.04931 116 85 27 4
1894 My client wants half of all household waste. 1.3015 0.05147 136 105 21 10
1895 Sign here or my client w-a-l-k’s. 1.3014 0.06668 73 55 14 4
1896 Also, we keep the cafeteria well stocked with treats. 1.3014 0.06668 73 55 14 4
1897 I'm sorry, but he has better papers. 1.3012 0.06353 83 63 15 5
1898 Sorry, but Spot here is a far more qualified candidate. 1.3012 0.06580 83 64 13 6
1899 It's a Pre-Pup agreement. 1.3011 0.06264 93 72 14 7
1900 Sorry Anderson, but here at Perfumes Are Us, turns out Rusty can indeed do your job better than you. 1.3011 0.06074 93 71 16 6
1901 My client is fully prepared to W-A-L-K. 1.3011 0.05467 93 68 22 3
1902 By signing here you agree that in the case of a separation, he gets all the socks. 1.3011 0.05677 93 69 20 4
1903 Don’t think of it as losing your job; think of it as a new stress-free, non-work environment. 1.3011 0.05879 93 70 18 5
1904 It's at least one walk a day, or the shoe tearing won't stop. This is quite a good deal. 1.3011 0.06074 93 71 16 6
1905 Just admit it was you who farted, and we can all move on with our lives. 1.3010 0.05490 103 77 21 5
1906 He says you can have the house,but he wants the yard. 1.3010 0.04943 103 74 27 2
1907 No, Mr. Andrews, my client does not agree that two meals a day is fair compensation. 1.3010 0.04747 103 73 29 1
1908 The last CEO left his dog in charge. 1.3010 0.05661 103 78 19 6
1909 She'll let you have the dog house. 1.3010 0.05314 103 76 23 4
1910 The final interview requires that you allow my client to conduct a sniff test. 1.3009 0.05316 113 85 22 6
1911 We have a bone to pick with your adoption offer. 1.3009 0.05010 113 83 26 4
1912 And while not a legal pad, this does allow your dog to conduct his business inside. 1.3000 0.05946 100 77 16 7
1913 Take your time and chew on it. 1.3000 0.06113 100 78 14 8
1914 He became aware of his rights from an "Animal Planet" marathon. 1.3000 0.05222 100 73 24 3
1915 Fido does not recognize his male identity and should therefore not be neutered 1.3000 0.05946 100 77 16 7
1916 Fifi will take the doghouse and the house in the Hamptons. 1.3000 0.05737 80 58 20 2
1917 I'm sorry Mr. Johnson, we will not be able hire you at this time. My colleague here thinks you are overqualified. 1.3000 0.05412 100 74 22 4
1918 All he wants is the bowl. 1.3000 0.06007 90 68 17 5
1919 No attorney's fee necessary. I'm representing your dog pro-Bone-o. 1.3000 0.05855 110 86 15 9
1920 Before we finalize the pet adoption, Ruff will want to see some financials. 1.3000 0.05104 120 90 24 6
1921 He gets Carol in the divorce. 1.3000 0.05108 90 64 25 1
1922 Me? No. You'll report to the dog. 1.3000 0.06409 90 70 13 7
1923 My client requests that you stop "pretending" to pick up his waste as it taints his image as a neighborhood "dog influencer". 1.3000 0.05093 110 81 25 4
1924 A most unusual custody battle, but one of you has to take her. 1.3000 0.06006 80 59 18 3
1925 Spot is just looking for an amicable separation after you started rationing the biscuits 1.3000 0.04965 120 89 26 5
1926 She’ll allow you two walks a day and conjugal visits on the weekend. 1.3000 0.04926 110 80 27 3
1927 Four walks a day and no more Cindy and her poodle. 1.3000 0.05222 100 73 24 3
1928 I'm sorry your offer is rejected, she requires a doggie door and three walks a day. 1.3000 0.06006 80 59 18 3
1929 He asked for HR to attend this meeting. Here are your walking papers. 1.3000 0.04965 120 89 26 5
1930 I think we can all agree we’re well past ‘who’s a good boy’. 1.3000 0.05575 90 66 21 3
1931 You two are the finalists. 1.3000 0.05946 100 77 16 7
1932 It's customary for the dog to get at least half the bed. Max just wants what's his. 1.3000 0.05517 70 51 18 1
1933 Four walks a day, unlimited treats, and he sleeps in the bed—that’s our final offer. 1.3000 0.05737 80 58 20 2
1934 She will keep the condo, you can remain in the doghouse 1.2992 0.04784 127 94 28 5
1935 I'm sorry, but he's cutting you out of his will. 1.2991 0.05007 107 78 26 3
1936 Scraps wants full custody of your leg. 1.2991 0.05429 107 83 17 7
1937 These papers will certify his desire to change his name from 'Eddie' to 'Lassie' 1.2991 0.05347 107 80 22 5
1938 My client says she wants half the house. You can keep the car - and the kennel. 1.2991 0.05180 107 79 24 4
1939 You have 24 hours to find your dogs testicles 1.2990 0.06072 97 75 15 7
1940 And this is the 'Non Defecation' clause. 1.2990 0.05112 97 70 25 2
1941 I'm sorry to inform you we will have to let you go. Our new Inclusivity Officer will be a cat. 1.2990 0.05707 97 73 19 5
1942 Now you write down the amount of kibble you think is fair. 1.2990 0.05707 97 73 19 5
1943 My client claims it was you that bit him while on your postal route. 1.2990 0.06072 97 75 15 7
1944 I’m sorry we’ve had to let you go. The good news is that we’ve hired Bruno here after he proved to be a Very Good Boy on all your Zoom calls. 1.2990 0.05707 97 73 19 5
1945 Is this the report my client allegedly ate? 1.2990 0.05892 97 74 17 6
1946 Of course she gets the dog house. 1.2989 0.05921 87 65 18 4
1947 We'll have to let you go. Her health insurance is cheaper, and she won't need family leave time 1.2989 0.05691 87 64 20 3
1948 And, if you're planning to ask, my client has already prepared a formal answer as to "Who's a good boy?" 1.2989 0.05200 87 62 24 1
1949 For consideration of a bottomless bowl of biscuits, Rover conveys to you a thirty-three percent interest in his YouTube channel revenue. 1.2989 0.06143 87 66 16 5
1950 The petitioner cites grounds for the divorce as respondent human coming home with the scent of other dogs on him. 1.2989 0.06143 87 66 16 5
1951 This is your Inventoris Custodes form. You agree that anything you drop in the floor is his. 1.2989 0.05691 87 64 20 3
1952 If you agree to ten belly rubs per day, he will agree to only destroy one shoe per month. 1.2989 0.05921 87 65 18 4
1953 Before we provide the offer letter, Mr. Fluffy needs the name and address of every feline acquaintance you've had over the past ten years. 1.2987 0.07175 77 61 9 7
1954 Sorry for the typo. That should say ‘embark’ on a new journey. 1.2984 0.04856 124 92 27 5
1955 My client proposes to share custody of the frisbee. 1.2984 0.04719 124 91 29 4
1956 But first, you have to pass the smell test. 1.2982 0.05276 114 86 22 6
1957 It's a pretty standard pre-pup with a non-restraining order. 1.2982 0.04973 114 84 26 4
1958 Hereafter he'll be known as the puppy of the first part. 1.2982 0.05700 114 89 16 9
1959 He says it’s because you’re such a good boy. 1.2981 0.04904 104 75 27 2
1960 She gets possession of the dog house and you keep the boat and the car . 1.2981 0.05271 104 77 23 4
1961 As his therapist,I need you to write that he is indeed a good dog. 1.2981 0.05445 104 78 21 5
1962 He has a few questions to test your lovalty. 1.2981 0.05614 104 79 19 6
1963 Affidavit? He ate it. 1.2981 0.05271 104 77 23 4
1964 Don't say I didn't tell you to sign a prenup. 1.2979 0.06205 94 73 14 7
1965 He will no longer respond to any demeaning demands, such as requiring him to wag his tail and come running when you call his name. And he especially objects to the annual roundworm exam. 1.2979 0.06018 94 72 16 6
1966 My client says that on the internet you claimed to be a dog. 1.2979 0.06205 94 73 14 7
1967 But you can keep the cat. 1.2979 0.05202 94 68 24 2
1968 You need to sign this pre-pup. 1.2979 0.05825 94 71 18 5
1969 The claim is that you were caught petting with the bitch next door 1.2979 0.05418 94 69 22 3
1970 And finally, your initials here certify that my client is indeed a good boy. 1.2979 0.04978 94 67 26 1
1971 He wants the house, the bed, and all your left shoes. Final offer. 1.2979 0.05625 94 70 20 4
1972 Dr. Fido will ask you questions now. Just nod your head for "Yes", shake your head for "No", and look straight ahead if you don't know. 1.2977 0.04623 131 99 26 6
1973 My client seeks to resolve the contested issue of ‘who rescued whom’. 1.2977 0.05048 131 100 23 8
1974 I think you'll find the list of commands quite reasonable. 1.2976 0.06055 84 63 17 4
1975 Just sign here. She gets the doghouse and you're free to get that younger dog. 1.2976 0.06287 84 64 15 5
1976 Pick up the paper but don’t show it to me. I will guess our salary offer. 1.2976 0.05813 84 62 19 3
1977 Here is your yearly review, I need you to work more like a dog in 2022. 1.2976 0.06055 84 63 17 4
1978 Off course he won’t settle, did you really expect him to roll over and play dead? 1.2976 0.06287 84 64 15 5
1979 These are the points we'll review in today's mediation, beginning with your choice to name him 'Trump.' 1.2976 0.06055 84 63 17 4
1980 And once you have completed the application form, you will allow my assistant to sniff your legs. 1.2975 0.05068 121 91 24 6
1981 Bad news. Dog bites man is not news. Dog suing man is.. 1.2973 0.05368 111 84 21 6
1982 He doesn't care what the pre-adopt agreement says. Either cancel the spading appointment or prepare to replace all of your furniture and flooring! 1.2973 0.07130 74 58 10 6
1983 Now, where do you see yourself in dog years? 1.2973 0.05368 111 84 21 6
1984 Now, I know this plan might seem a little ruff... 1.2973 0.05368 111 84 21 6
1985 Here's his final offer: Arf woof arf arf grrrr." 1.2973 0.06002 74 54 18 2
1986 Now it’s your turn. Write an explanation for “bitcoin chews. 1.2970 0.05367 101 75 22 4
1987 You can sign this settlement, or try explaining to a jury the concept of anal gland expression. 1.2970 0.06060 101 79 14 8
1988 You are hereby granted right of first refusal to all morsels dropped on the floor. 1.2970 0.05179 101 74 24 3
1989 Can you tell me about a time when you were a good boy? 1.2970 0.04984 101 73 26 2
1990 My client, Mr. Digs, requires it in writing that there are to be no more commands, excluding “Come” when followed by the words “and eat!” 1.2970 0.06060 101 79 14 8
1991 Wolf of wall street: the sequel. 1.2970 0.05548 101 76 20 5
1992 Neither party shall disclose the location of any bones or bone like toys without prior written consent. 1.2970 0.05724 101 77 18 6
1993 He'd like half of your Instagram followers. 1.2970 0.05179 101 74 24 3
1994 We clearly have a leg up. 1.2970 0.05548 101 76 20 5
1995 I know it's ruff. 1.2969 0.04880 128 96 26 6
1996 Now, if you’ll just lift your leg and leave your mark. 1.2967 0.06151 91 70 15 6
1997 Custody is a Bitch 1.2967 0.06151 91 70 15 6
1998 As a signing bonus we can offer an annual supply of poop bags. 1.2967 0.05741 91 68 19 4
1999 And most important of all is your loyalty oath. 1.2967 0.05949 91 69 17 5
2000 Do you still say my client ate your home work? 1.2967 0.05524 91 67 21 3
2001 You sign or my client walkies. 1.2967 0.04555 91 68 21 2
2002 Why did you leave your previous owner? 1.2963 0.06197 81 61 16 4
2003 I believe you will find the settlement for your misplaced slipper quite equitable. 1.2963 0.05305 108 81 22 5
2004 No matter how foolish your suggestions, Rex will always give you a look that says, Wow, great idea! 1.2963 0.05305 108 81 22 5
2005 It's standard practice here at Fidelity 1.2963 0.05622 108 83 18 7
2006 This is a No Cat/No Crate clause 1.2963 0.05678 81 59 20 2
2007 You are now legally best friends. 1.2963 0.05305 108 81 22 5
2008 Plaintiff further claims emotional distress from discovering that it's not bacon. 1.2963 0.05773 108 84 16 8
2009 She says you may keep the leash, harness, and clippers...but the bowls and Bunny Wunny are non-negotiable... 1.2963 0.05678 81 59 20 2
2010 I see why you might be anxious - so let's call it 'snip' instead 1.2963 0.05622 108 83 18 7
2011 He know this is stressful, so, as a good faith offering, he’d like to throw you a bone 1.2963 0.06197 81 61 16 4
2012 So it's settled. The company, and your dog, have approved you again to work from home. 1.2963 0.06197 81 61 16 4
2013 Your dog has signed the separation agreement, now the ball is in your court! 1.2960 0.04687 125 92 29 4
2014 Unfortunately, we have decided to transfer you to a farm upstate. 1.2959 0.05657 98 74 19 5
2015 Sorry, the original copies were eaten. 1.2959 0.05840 98 75 17 6
2016 My client demands full custody of the yellow squeezie toy. 1.2959 0.05840 98 75 17 6
2017 Regarding that surgery you’re planning for him? This codicil requires that you go first. 1.2959 0.06017 98 76 15 7
2018 It's not a divorce, it's an emancipation. You can still be friends, just not best friends. 1.2959 0.06190 98 77 13 8
2019 He doesn’t want custody of your wife. 1.2959 0.06017 98 76 15 7
2020 He's my therapy dog for ethics. 1.2958 0.07062 71 55 11 5
2021 Chester is not negotiable as to who gets the chew toys. 1.2957 0.05089 115 86 24 5
2022 He refuses to do any new tricks 1.2955 0.06082 88 67 16 5
2023 We're looking for someone who can parse the phrase, Knick-Knack-Paddywhack give the dog a bone. 1.2955 0.05863 88 66 18 4
2024 He said: "You ate his work" 1.2955 0.06497 88 69 12 7
2025 If you agree with his terms just wag your head. 1.2951 0.05165 122 93 22 7
2026 By signing this NDA you agree that "Bad, bad doggie" was never uttered in his presence. 1.2947 0.06147 95 74 14 7
2027 He says you bit him 1.2947 0.06327 95 75 12 8
2028 Did you expect himto work pro bone-o? 1.2947 0.05962 95 73 16 6
2029 I advised against all of his concessions, but he still wants to be your good boy. 1.2947 0.05370 95 70 22 3
2030 You can keep the dog house; my client wants the condo. 1.2947 0.05370 95 70 22 3
2031 Write down your answer - he understands everything you say. 1.2947 0.06147 95 74 14 7
2032 Yes, he got the entire estate, including the dog house. 1.2946 0.05174 112 84 23 5
2033 Since you decline to vaccinate, my client is asking for the house. He is offering you his outdoor living space as part of this settlement. 1.2946 0.05016 112 83 25 4
2034 The pre-nup is quite clear; Noodle Doodle gets the house and the boat. 1.2946 0.04853 112 87 19 6
2035 Look, you're getting a deal. You get the dog and she gets the house. 1.2946 0.05327 112 85 21 6
2036 Now you write three nice things about Princess. 1.2946 0.04721 129 96 28 5
2037 Where's your dog??? 1.2941 0.05755 85 63 19 3
2038 The terms are in dog years. 1.2941 0.05755 85 63 19 3
2039 Sign! 1.2941 0.05993 85 64 17 4
2040 Who's a good boy? I'm sorry Carl, you're not a good boy." 1.2941 0.05322 102 76 22 4
2041 And if you sign the contract today it means that you are a very very good boy. 1.2941 0.05501 102 77 20 5
2042 You get the wife twice a month. 1.2941 0.05136 102 75 24 3
2043 Get rid of the new girlfriend or he W A L Ks. 1.2941 0.05322 102 76 22 4
2044 Sign below the paw print. Good Boy! 1.2941 0.04971 119 89 25 5
2045 After your last job, this should be a walk in the park. 1.2941 0.05506 85 62 21 2
2046 We're keeping the dog house. 1.2941 0.05322 102 76 22 4
2047 And, as agreed, you reliquish rights to any and all future puppies. 1.2941 0.05113 119 90 23 6
2048 Consider yourself lucky. The bitch said to throw you a bone. 1.2941 0.05843 102 79 16 7
2049 My client insists the children will be better off if you only visit on alternate weekends and holidays. 1.2941 0.04109 119 91 24 4
2050 I think it says, "Your offer can't be serious." 1.2941 0.05246 85 61 23 1
2051 I recommend you take his counteroffer of two walks a day and sleeping on your bed. 1.2936 0.04843 109 82 23 4
2052 We will need references from Spot, Rover and Dixie to confirm length and timing of their walks. 1.2936 0.05263 109 82 22 5
2053 Our final demand: no more referring to my client as ‘good boy’ in company communications. It undermines his authority and is a violation of our DEI policy. 1.2936 0.05263 109 82 22 5
2054 This includes full custody of all bones buried in the yard. 1.2936 0.05263 109 82 22 5
2055 You really should have listened to me and gotten a pre-pup 1.2936 0.05422 109 83 20 6
2056 In my client's defense, you do have a very biteable face Mr. Jones. 1.2935 0.05893 92 70 17 5
2057 In the interest of keeping things amicable,my client proposes that he gets the house and you get the kids. 1.2935 0.05250 92 69 20 3
2058 Treats for life for NIL rights—sign it or his instagram influencer days are over.” 1.2935 0.05473 92 68 21 3
2059 He just wants the yard, dog walkers, his bowl and a limo he can chase." 1.2933 0.05623 75 54 20 1
2060 Sadie wants the split to be amicable. She gets all the rawhide chews & kibbles and you get all the veggies & fruits. 1.2933 0.06785 75 58 12 5
2061 Welcome to the doghouse. Payback's a bitch. 1.2933 0.07045 75 59 10 6
2062 We need you to sign a pre-pup. 1.2933 0.06231 75 56 16 3
2063 He says you’re now to be trusted off lead. 1.2931 0.04745 116 85 28 3
2064 Just sign here. It is agreed that he gets the house and you get the kennel. 1.2931 0.05269 116 91 17 8
2065 And this is the copy you can give him to chew up after he's moved in. 1.2931 0.05051 116 87 24 5
2066 As Dog is your witness . . . 1.2929 0.05607 99 75 19 5
2067 Well, assuming you're house trained and have all your shots, the job is yours! 1.2929 0.05420 99 74 21 4
2068 If you agree to my clients terms, bark twice 1.2929 0.05420 99 74 21 4
2069 It’s a standard Pre-Nip” 1.2927 0.05382 123 96 18 9
2070 It's official... You're no longer best friends. 1.2927 0.07046 82 66 8 8
2071 So, once you sign here, the leash will officially become null and void. 1.2927 0.06132 82 62 16 4
2072 Per my assistant, your memo topic is "Who's a Good Boy?" 1.2927 0.06605 82 64 12 6
2073 It's very simple. You follow Judge McRuff's order to remove my client's electric collar or you end up with an ankle bracelet of your own. 1.2927 0.05620 82 60 20 2
2074 My client finds your terms to be too "ruff." 1.2927 0.05620 82 60 20 2
2075 Whether you sign this or not, we’re walking. 1.2925 0.05356 106 80 21 5
2076 He offers you visiting rights to the human female three times a month plus Christmas. That's his final offer. 1.2925 0.05522 106 81 19 6
2077 Payback is a bitch! 1.2925 0.05522 106 81 19 6
2078 My client is willing to agree to joint custody of the chew toys. 1.2923 0.04429 130 95 32 3
2079 Sign here, initial these; you'll be neutered in the morning. 1.2921 0.05582 89 66 20 3
2080 Don't worry, he's paper trained. 1.2921 0.05104 89 64 24 1
2081 I realize you didn’t see this coming. 1.2921 0.06432 89 70 12 7
2082 My client doesn’t have a bone in this fight. 1.2921 0.05104 89 64 24 1
2083 ...And you'll get the kids every other weekend. Any questions? 1.2921 0.05348 89 65 22 2
2084 You do realise the dog can do your job,right? 1.2921 0.05582 89 66 20 3
2085 I'll just need a John Hancock and a Rin Tin Tin. 1.2921 0.06432 89 70 12 7
2086 My client is suing for defamation of character, as he has ardently claimed it "wasn't him who got into the delicious garbage" and that you've tarnished his reputation of being a "good boy". 1.2921 0.05348 89 65 22 2
2087 Oh, and you can keep your lousy slippers! 1.2920 0.05433 113 87 19 7
2088 Here's your share of his kibbles and bits 1.2920 0.04978 113 84 25 4
2089 This is Lucky's Pre-pup. 1.2920 0.05286 113 86 21 6
2090 My client agrees you can keep the bed, but wishes to have the living room sofa. 1.2917 0.05322 96 71 22 3
2091 I'm sorry, but the can opener is a non-negotiable. 1.2917 0.05322 96 71 22 3
2092 Buster wants to end things amicably.” 1.2917 0.05719 96 73 18 5
2093 ITS A BITCH BUT YOU STILL HAVE TO COMPLETE THE APPLICATION 1.2917 0.04936 120 90 25 5
2094 Before he agrees to be your pet he wants to see your FICO score. 1.2917 0.05524 96 72 20 4
2095 I'm sorry, but you didn't go to an Ivy League obedience school. 1.2917 0.06390 72 54 15 3
2096 You get one weekend a month with the puppies, that's our final offer. 1.2917 0.04893 96 69 26 1
2097 My client,Fido,wants custody of his house and the larger one you kept mostly to yourself. 1.2917 0.05719 96 73 18 5
2098 He’ll be your best friend, but he will need these benefits; 401k, medical, paternity leave, 6 weeks vacation, and sick pay 1.2917 0.05322 96 71 22 3
2099 Look, Sam, she's throwing you a bone. 1.2917 0.05524 96 72 20 4
2100 All right. You get the steak he gets the bone. 1.2917 0.05112 96 70 24 2
2101 We kept the dog-eared copy. 1.2917 0.05524 96 72 20 4
2102 Thank you for your time,but our Instagram followers have unanimously decided that Scruffy is the better candidate for this position. 1.2917 0.05719 96 73 18 5
2103 ...and you further agree to stop blaming the dog. 1.2913 0.05094 103 76 24 3
2104 My client is going public with what he’s seen unless you settle at four pieces of cheese. 1.2913 0.05455 103 78 20 5
2105 I suggest you accept these terms. If not, Scotty is prepared to play hard ball. 1.2913 0.05455 103 78 20 5
2106 Bitch gets the Porsche. 1.2911 0.06534 79 61 13 5
2107 Before he submits to petting or snuggling he must have assurances of daily treats, ball chasing, and walks past the house with the hot poodle. 1.2911 0.07013 79 63 9 7
2108 Miss Fluffy's settlement offer includes you fetching your own slippers and picking up your own sticks. 1.2911 0.06016 79 59 17 3
2109 You just took the videos, the Instagram is all her. 1.2909 0.05222 110 83 22 5
2110 In summary,my client wants you to “fess up” to your own farts. 1.2909 0.05532 110 85 18 7
2111 He will be keeping the treats earned during the course of your relationship. 1.2909 0.05222 110 83 22 5
2112 There can only be one top dog 1.2907 0.05698 86 64 19 3
2113 Jones, here's your pink slip. Mr Barker will be taking your place. We're confident our clients will like him more than you. 1.2907 0.05698 86 64 19 3
2114 We have some issues with the "Fetch" clause. 1.2907 0.05453 86 63 21 2
2115 He gets to keep the frisbees. 1.2906 0.05159 117 89 22 6
2116 He is willing to meet your terms on food and belly rubs, but the cat still has to go. 1.2903 0.05423 93 69 21 3
2117 It's a ruff decision. 1.2903 0.05838 93 71 17 5
2118 While you both scored high on intelligence and loyalty, I’m afraid Sparky has definitely beaten you on the “who’s a good boy?” metric. 1.2900 0.05738 100 77 17 6
2119 I’m so sorry, but your résumé suggested you were a Border Collie. 1.2900 0.05374 100 75 21 4
2120 We are citing irreconcilable differences. Please bark if you agree. 1.2900 0.05911 100 78 15 7
2121 my client wants YOU to beg. 1.2900 0.05738 100 77 17 6
2122 We’re taking fetch off the table. 1.2900 0.04777 100 72 27 1
2123 This is where you agree to give provide him with chew toys, toss the ball with him every day and tell him he’s a good boy. Sign here and the adoption contract is complete. 1.2900 0.04881 100 75 22 3
2124 My client,is NOT this mans best friend. 1.2900 0.05374 100 75 21 4
2125 ... and right here it says we're not having any of that silly "fetch". 1.2900 0.05559 100 76 19 5
2126 Five percent of Spot's Instagram paid posts, is very fair. 1.2900 0.05183 100 74 23 3
2127 Describe the last time you've been both loyal and such a good boy. 1.2897 0.05635 107 83 17 7
2128 My client claims you have been sharing the bed with someone new. 1.2897 0.04970 107 79 25 3
2129 He'll bark less if you stop snoring. 1.2895 0.06706 76 59 12 5
2130 Your dog insists it's unconditional. 1.2895 0.05672 114 90 15 9
2131 I am sorry, but your parents left everything to Poochy 1.2895 0.06439 76 58 14 4
2132 Before he agrees to adoption, he wants a guarantee of only wet food and no shorter than a 20 foot leash. 1.2895 0.05246 114 87 21 6
2133 The first is a pretty standard pre-pup agreement. The second--a non-dogclosure agreement--is a little unusual. 1.2895 0.06706 76 59 12 5
2134 You can have the house in the Hampton's but she keeps private jet and the kibble. 1.2895 0.06160 76 57 16 3
2135 According to the boss, one of us is in the doghouse 1.2895 0.06439 76 58 14 4
2136 It's nothing personal. We're replacing you with a candidate that has unprecedented hearing skills. 1.2895 0.05392 114 88 19 7
2137 And the custody agreement for your wife-my client will have her at mealtimes, walkies, and every time he needs to get the tennis ball from under the couch 1.2895 0.05869 76 56 18 2
2138 My client has requested a clawback.” 1.2893 0.05434 121 95 17 9
2139 List your past employers, their breeds and owners. 1.2892 0.05563 83 61 20 2
2140 Take this IQ test. I'll compare your answers with Fido's. 1.2892 0.06534 83 65 12 6
2141 Before becoming VP of Who's A Good Boy, you have to tell us which stack of papers has the yummy underneath it. 1.2892 0.06970 83 67 8 8
2142 My client would like you to sign a prepup. 1.2892 0.05563 83 61 20 2
2143 he is suing you for alienation of affection 1.2892 0.05821 83 62 18 3
2144 Just sign here. It's all pretty standard -- give the dog a bone and this unpleasantness goes away. 1.2892 0.05821 83 62 18 3
2145 Due to your belief Trump is still president,we are concerned you do not have the requisite knowledge to do the job as well as our corporate mascot. 1.2892 0.06534 83 65 12 6
2146 Can you fetch? 1.2892 0.06306 83 64 14 5
2147 We feel peeing on the possession is nine-tenths of the law. 1.2892 0.06306 83 64 14 5
2148 This "work from home" thing has exceeded the time limit we set at our last meeting. He asks to be adopted by your ex. She leaves to go to work 5 days a week, serves better food and walks 3 times a day! 1.2892 0.05821 83 62 18 3
2149 My client has agreed that he will not chew up your sneakers if you agree to move out of the city. Do we have a deal? 1.2891 0.04854 128 97 25 6
2150 So here's the company security questionnaire, and then Jack here will sniff your crotch." 1.2889 0.05529 90 67 20 3
2151 Scruffy here says you have been a naughty boy and suggests you should work outside. 1.2889 0.05529 90 67 20 3
2152 So you admit your tee shirt indicating a preference for dogs was not the whole truth. 1.2889 0.05529 90 67 20 3
2153 We insist on a no-spay clause. 1.2889 0.05529 90 67 20 3
2154 You get to visit the pups twice a month. 1.2889 0.05415 90 69 17 4
2155 And you have to pass his sniff test. 1.2889 0.05529 90 67 20 3
2156 Your options are ‘beg’ or ‘roll over’. 1.2889 0.06369 90 71 12 7
2157 Please write an essay on why my dog thinks we should hire you. 1.2889 0.05751 90 68 18 4
2158 You both are being considered for our fetching position, which, I have to advise you, is very competitive, 1.2889 0.06170 90 70 14 6
2159 My client has extensive documented evidence for psychological abuse, including commands to play dead and forced wearing of a cone of shame. 1.2889 0.05751 90 68 18 4
2160 You understand, of course, he gets the house. 1.2889 0.05751 90 68 18 4
2161 My client saw you looking online to adopt a cat. 1.2889 0.05299 90 66 22 2
2162 My client is counting on you to keep him well fed- 1.2889 0.04933 90 67 21 2
2163 Some people have described our company as dog eat dog. What is your first impression? 1.2887 0.05475 97 73 20 4
2164 Section 3, Paragraph 2 expressly forbids your use of the word, 'pet' when in his company or in the company of human guests in the home. My client considers the word to be derogatory, patronizing, insulting, offensive and demeaning. 1.2887 0.05475 97 73 20 4
2165 I think we all know who has been a good boy and who has not. 1.2887 0.04625 97 69 28 0
2166 These papers annul the best friend agreement. 1.2887 0.05068 97 71 24 2
2167 This is the "No clipping his paws" clause. 1.2887 0.05276 97 72 22 3
2168 You can have the house, the car, and the cabin in the Berkshires. All he wants are the cat's litter box, your old shoes, and his balls back. 1.2887 0.06035 97 76 14 7
2169 He wants three walkies a day and the right to sleep on the bed, with or without the girlfriend. 1.2887 0.05855 97 75 16 6
2170 Sorry. He won't budge. He claims your ex feeds him much better than you do and her place is by the park. 1.2887 0.05276 97 72 22 3
2171 Rosco would like to renegotiate the terms of the adoption. 1.2887 0.05475 97 73 20 4
2172 Sign here to agree that my client will take the house while you will take the dog house and you get to keep the wife. 1.2885 0.05409 104 79 20 5
2173 …and if we can fetch your signature here… 1.2885 0.05234 104 78 22 4
2174 Take the offer or we'll bury you in court and/or the backyard. 1.2883 0.05635 111 87 16 8
2175 Here's the final decree based on denial of daily walks and other infidelities! 1.2883 0.05337 111 85 20 6
2176 My client wishes to dissolve his ownership contract. He has a number of other options. 1.2883 0.04938 111 85 21 5
2177 He says if you really love him you will let him go. 1.2881 0.05121 118 90 22 6
2178 He's offering you a woof over your head. 1.2881 0.05260 118 91 20 7
2179 Here are you petimony papers to sign. 1.2881 0.04977 118 89 24 5
2180 Irreconcilable differences...she wants to sniff other people. 1.2881 0.05396 118 92 18 8
2181 Instead of an interview, we check your IQ compared to the company dog . 1.2879 0.07406 66 52 9 5
2182 About this affidavit where you swear you didn't allegedly pet the neighbor's cat... 1.2875 0.05680 80 59 19 2
2183 My client is requesting you sign this NDA regarding any witnessed poop-eating incidents. 1.2875 0.05680 80 59 19 2
2184 As you see, we have diversified our staff. 1.2875 0.06212 80 61 15 4
2185 So, Mr. Smith, my client plans to sue you on the claim that when you threw the ball, your hand was actually, in fact, empty. We'll see you in court. 1.2875 0.06702 80 63 11 6
2186 This is a list of some of the things you'll have to be able to do if you're hired: sit, stay, fetch, rollover, shake hands, and a few more. 1.2874 0.05642 87 65 19 3
2187 I was hoping you might be willing to train your replacement. 1.2874 0.06097 87 67 15 5
2188 My client insisted that this case be handled pro bone. 1.2874 0.06097 87 67 15 5
2189 I'm representing him pro bono. 1.2874 0.05642 87 65 19 3
2190 You keep the house and he can stick his head out of the car window on the way home from the park. 1.2874 0.06097 87 67 15 5
2191 Just sign, “Arf” and we’re done here. 1.2874 0.05874 87 66 17 4
2192 My client asks you to omit the homework eating accusations. 1.2874 0.06097 87 67 15 5
2193 No pressure, MIT. But you’re up against AKC. 1.2872 0.05583 94 71 19 4
2194 The party of the first part would like the party of the second part to allow the party of the first part to stick his head fully out of the window while proceeding in the vehicle without regard to vehicle speed or weather conditions. 1.2872 0.05784 94 72 17 5
2195 I'm sorry but my client is not going to roll over on this. 1.2872 0.05583 94 71 19 4
2196 Nevertheless,the prepuptial agreement stands. 1.2872 0.05374 94 70 21 3
2197 My client has asked me to write a number representing the bags of Snausages he will require if you insist on naming him "Poochini." 1.2872 0.05784 94 72 17 5
2198 My client would like a statement from you! He's all ears! 1.2872 0.05583 94 71 19 4
2199 He wants the bed in the master suite. 1.2871 0.05328 101 76 21 4
2200 The company is strongly committed to diversity” 1.2871 0.05688 101 78 17 6
2201 He wants proof of your pedigree. 1.2871 0.05328 101 76 21 4
2202 My client is a free agent and has received an attractive offer from the Johnson's down the street. They're much more lenient about "people food". 1.2871 0.05328 101 76 21 4
2203 Bailey is suing you for custody of your wife. 1.2871 0.04943 101 74 25 2
2204 Given that you were witness to a recent incident involving Fido and your girlfriends leg, not to mention numerous incidences of urination and defecation, we are asking you to sign this NDA. 1.2871 0.05139 101 75 23 3
2205 He insists that you sign the "No Cats" clause before he agrees to be your family pet. 1.2871 0.05688 101 78 17 6
2206 You’d better sign. My client refuses to roll over. 1.2870 0.05589 108 84 17 7
2207 You'll be working from home, maybe appear in person once a month. But the dog is welcome here anytime. 1.2870 0.05271 108 82 21 5
2208 Yes he is vaccinated! 1.2870 0.05742 108 85 15 8
2209 This is a standard, legal, alpha dog contract recognizing better living conditions and submissive behavior on your part. 1.2868 0.05185 129 101 19 9
2210 My client wants sole custody of your wife. 1.2857 0.06629 77 60 12 5
2211 Buster will work for kibble. What are your salary requirements? 1.2857 0.06629 77 60 12 5
2212 His knowledge of leash laws is quite extensive; we'd like to see your essay on the same theme. 1.2857 0.05191 105 79 22 4
2213 Sorry your new year me 1.2857 0.05696 91 69 18 4
2214 Your paw print on the bottom line is all we require, 1.2857 0.04795 119 89 26 4
2215 The position is for narcotic detection not narcotic detective. 1.2857 0.05696 105 82 16 7
2216 If you know what's good for you, Mister Kopinski, you'll play ball. 1.2857 0.05230 98 73 22 3
2217 Despite your adversary’s whining, I actually think it’s a very fair settlement. 1.2857 0.04275 140 106 29 5
2218 Sit" is okay. "Roll over and play dead" is out 1.2857 0.05761 84 63 18 3
2219 Fluffy gets everything but the doghouse...you get the doghouse. 1.2857 0.05533 105 81 18 6
2220 It's a kick back Mr. Black, give the dog a loan. 1.2857 0.05618 98 75 18 5
2221 According to my client, the day you brought the cat home was one of many premeditated adulteries." 1.2857 0.05696 91 69 18 4
2222 This is a bit awkward. Normally two candidates don’t meet like this. 1.2857 0.05855 105 83 14 8
2223 let's see if you can learn new things. 1.2857 0.05477 91 68 20 3
2224 He'd like you to take the lead. 1.2857 0.05012 105 78 24 3
2225 I'm sorry, but you'll need separate representation. 1.2857 0.06005 84 64 16 4
2226 Mr. Snuffles is a certified notary. 1.2857 0.05507 84 62 20 2
2227 He wants all of the squeaky toys 1.2857 0.06239 84 65 14 5
2228 You can read Fido's memoir before its published, but he won't change a word of it. 1.2857 0.05365 105 80 20 5
2229 He can smell a rat. 1.2857 0.05906 91 70 16 5
2230 My client defends his actions of defecating on the rug, on the account that your entire place is a "Sh*t Hole". 1.2857 0.05477 91 68 20 3
2231 My client wants full custody of the tennis balls. 1.2857 0.05191 105 79 22 4
2232 My client would like it in writing that he’s a ‘good boy.’ 1.2857 0.05025 98 72 24 2
2233 Your signature means "Hence-forth I have no other god than Buster." 1.2857 0.05365 105 80 20 5
2234 Don’t worry, we’ll still be best friends. 1.2857 0.06153 70 52 16 2
2235 He gets the house and, of course, the pickup. 1.2857 0.05761 84 63 18 3
2236 This appendix outlines my client's minimum net worth requirements, which are typical for a rescue of her breed. 1.2857 0.05141 112 85 22 5
2237 And because my client did not consent to being neutered, this is his settlement demand for pain and suffering. 1.2857 0.06239 84 65 14 5
2238 Yes the 2 best things about the job are that you can have your dog go to meetings for you and no one needs to wear pants. 1.2857 0.05146 126 98 20 8
2239 Before Buddy will agree to go home with you, he seeks your assurance that the cat sleeps outside. 1.2857 0.05240 84 61 22 1
2240 ...so sign this and all his TikTok proceeds will got o you. 1.2857 0.05761 84 63 18 3
2241 Of course,we will expect you to learn to fetch and roll over After which we may consider you for regular employment 1.2857 0.05696 91 69 18 4
2242 As your fiancé, it's my duty to tell you our dog is demanding to be our joint best man; it's all here in paw-print! 1.2857 0.06110 91 71 14 6
2243 Sorry but the dog wrote a better essay on what it takes to be a good dog owner. 1.2857 0.05761 84 63 18 3
2244 Pookie will settle for a yak bone, legal costs, and a half-page ad in the Sunday paper in which you admit that it was you, not Pookie, who defecated on the neighbor's yard. 1.2857 0.06005 84 64 16 4
2245 All it says is "Ball" but he would still like you to sign it. 1.2857 0.06005 84 64 16 4
2246 My client suggests that he take the cabin and that you keep the dog house. 1.2857 0.05477 91 68 20 3
2247 I'm sorry Bill, but Rex just is a better employee, so we have to let you go. 1.2857 0.05507 84 62 20 2
2248 The terms stipulated here are exactly those to which you agreed in the prepup. 1.2857 0.05618 98 75 18 5
2249 He says you've been stealing his mail. 1.2857 0.05365 105 80 20 5
2250 How are you at doggerel? 1.2846 0.04663 130 98 27 5
2251 Do you feed squirrels or own a cat? If yes, please explain. 1.2845 0.05310 116 90 19 7
2252 I'm really sorry,but the dog has much better people skills. 1.2844 0.05229 109 83 21 5
2253 Before you sign, please understand that Fido would still like to "stay friends" . . . 1.2844 0.04893 109 81 25 3
2254 Yes, I know you said she can keep the dog, but apparently someone wants that in writing. 1.2844 0.05695 109 86 15 8
2255 Please list any prior experience in regards to throwing balls. 1.2844 0.04893 109 81 25 3
2256 She says she'll split the treats and chew toys 50-50, but she gets the house. 1.2844 0.04438 109 81 26 2
2257 He gets the house. You get the kids. 1.2843 0.05464 102 78 19 5
2258 My client demands the return of his testicles. 1.2843 0.05808 102 80 15 7
2259 And, finally, this is the Non-Neutering Agreement, which will remain in force as long as he is a good boy. 1.2843 0.05283 102 77 21 4
2260 My client requested pro bone-o. 1.2843 0.05639 102 79 17 6
2261 My client wants to ensure you will be meeting your regular walking obligations. 1.2843 0.05096 102 76 23 3
2262 We won’t get anywhere unless you give up the sofa. 1.2842 0.05325 95 71 21 3
2263 My client claims multiple incidences of unknown hair on your pants 1.2842 0.05111 95 70 23 2
2264 Scratch, sniff, and sign here. 1.2842 0.05532 95 72 19 4
2265 Of course, Skippy, we encourage our employees to bring their emotional support humans to work. 1.2841 0.05587 88 66 19 3
2266 He's senior counsel for the ASPCA. Deal with it! 1.2841 0.05587 88 66 19 3
2267 You have seen that the proposal has passed my client’s sniff test. 1.2841 0.05348 88 65 21 2
2268 My client says that this time he will not "roll over". 1.2841 0.06036 88 68 15 5
2269 He says he wants the wife and the kids. You can have the cats. Otherwise he's taking it to court. 1.2841 0.05816 88 67 17 4
2270 She says the rescue was forced. 1.2841 0.05587 88 66 19 3
2271 This concludes the arbitration. Buster will resume rolling over. In return, Buster gets to eat your slippers. 1.2840 0.05620 81 62 16 3
2272 My client is offering weekend walks in exchange for nightly belly rubs. 1.2840 0.05620 81 60 19 2
2273 I think you’ll find this offer worse than his bite. 1.2840 0.05339 81 59 21 1
2274 Again, my client says, 'woof!' 1.2840 0.06391 81 63 13 5
2275 If you dressed as well as your dog, you'd probably have a job by now. 1.2840 0.05889 81 61 17 3
2276 Sign here. If the dog barks you are toast" 1.2838 0.06241 74 56 15 3
2277 We agree that you can keep all shoes and socks, but we are keeping Sharon. 1.2838 0.05616 74 54 19 1
2278 I’m afraid my client isn’t willing to budge on the raw hide severance package. 1.2837 0.03674 141 110 26 5
2279 My client agrees to continue with the Wednesday walks as long as he doesn't have to wear a dog collar and shower afterwards, of course! 1.2833 0.05046 120 92 22 6
2280 Duke is very sorry and sadly has rejected your application as a adopter. 1.2833 0.04906 120 91 24 5
2281 So Fido gets the house, and you get the yard. Just sign here. 1.2833 0.04611 120 89 28 3
2282 He just seems more loyal than you. 1.2832 0.05102 113 86 22 5
2283 We don't do best friends 1.2830 0.05321 106 81 20 5
2284 You haven't played in ten years. We're pushing for full custody of the tennis balls. 1.2830 0.05149 106 80 22 4
2285 Do you know cursive? 1.2830 0.05321 106 81 20 5
2286 Let’s see if you pass the loyalty test. 1.2830 0.05149 106 80 22 4
2287 My client is requesting half of the kennel equity, and those items marked in urine. 1.2830 0.05648 106 83 16 7
2288 My client is prepared to settle for a belly rub. 1.2828 0.05380 99 75 20 4
2289 She wants the BarcaLounger. 1.2828 0.05750 99 77 16 6
2290 You can keep the house. But my client reserves the right to dig holes in the lawn whenever he likes. 1.2828 0.04771 99 72 26 1
2291 … and you are to provide food and water and agree to get neutered. 1.2828 0.05185 99 74 22 3
2292 He knows you shook on it ,but he wants it in writing! 1.2828 0.05380 99 75 20 4
2293 I've hired my dog Armando to conserve your trust 1.2828 0.05568 99 76 18 5
2294 I’m sorry. The new guy is just better at sniffing out new opportunities. 1.2828 0.05927 99 78 14 7
2295 He keeps the Laz-Z-Boy and the diamond collar, you get visiting rights to Miss Kitty and all the leftovers. 1.2826 0.05642 92 70 18 4
2296 This is our reply. Bear in mind it's just a ruff draft. 1.2826 0.05426 92 69 20 3
2297 As gender-neutral, they don't like you saying "Here boy." 1.2826 0.05642 92 70 18 4
2298 Sign this now or we'll be forced to bring the cat in for further testimony against you. 1.2826 0.05426 92 69 20 3
2299 My client claims custody of your heart. 1.2826 0.05642 92 70 18 4
2300 Your mother was a dog lover, so Rover will inherit all the multi-million dollar estate, while you and your cat will each get $500. 1.2826 0.05850 92 71 16 5
2301 Estate planning is just a little more complicated in dog years. 1.2824 0.04911 85 61 24 0
2302 Let's review the terms of the separation anxiety 1.2824 0.05452 85 63 20 2
2303 And he also wants his name used as a password only on very important websites 1.2824 0.06398 85 67 12 6
2304 Of course the divorce won't be final until you return my client's chewy toy and water bowl. 1.2824 0.05452 85 63 20 2
2305 My client would like full custody of the dog treats 1.2824 0.05944 85 65 16 4
2306 He knows it's a dog's life, so you agree that every time you tell him, again, 'It's a dog's life,' or 'It's the life of a dog,' or any equivalent reminder of his quote dogness close quote, he may bite your ankle with impunity. 1.2824 0.05703 85 64 18 3
2307 He wants the cat out by tomorrow. 1.2824 0.05703 85 64 18 3
2308 She will retain the main the house, garden and of course her old dog house. 1.2823 0.04799 124 94 25 5
2309 You can keep your bedroom, but the couch and backyard are hers. 1.2823 0.04138 124 92 30 2
2310 This next page waives your right to palimony. 1.2821 0.06024 78 59 16 3
2311 If you'll just sign here, Bruno says you can have the cat; he gets the rest. 1.2821 0.06554 78 61 12 5
2312 No. In this instance, we call it a PrePup 1.2821 0.04982 117 89 23 5
2313 ...And she demands playing fetch a minimum of thrice daily. 1.2821 0.06024 78 59 16 3
2314 Bad contract! He wants you to roll it up and hit yourself in the face with it. 1.2821 0.06554 78 61 12 5
2315 I know you are just starting, but here is your resignation form.” 1.2821 0.06803 78 62 10 6
2316 Too late. You already shook on it 1.2818 0.05649 110 87 15 8
2317 Your “bad boy” vibes simply have no place in this company 1.2818 0.05024 110 83 23 4
2318 Don't worry. It's only a formality. 1.2818 0.05346 110 85 19 6
2319 She gets the dog house and the treats 1.2818 0.05024 110 83 23 4
2320 You can keep the house and the car, but the squeaky toes and stray socks are hers. 1.2812 0.05678 96 74 17 5
2321 This paper states that you cannot throw an invisible ball for him any more 1.2812 0.06231 96 77 11 8
2322 He's a dog,he doesn't need sensitivity training 1.2812 0.05482 96 73 19 4
2323 My client is willing to settle the case right now for more pats, belly rubs, and, I quote, "Who's a good boy?" 1.2812 0.05278 96 72 21 3
2324 Look at that subtle off-white colouring. The tasteful thickness of it. Oh my God, it even has a watermark. 1.2812 0.05581 96 76 14 6
2325 So. No more eating her kibble, ok? 1.2812 0.05678 96 74 17 5
2326 Please list 3 reasons why dogs make excellent executives. 1.2812 0.05066 96 71 23 2
2327 As a faithful companion, all these years, he feels entitled to half of everything. 1.2812 0.05482 96 73 19 4
2328 I'm afraid the least we will accept is 3 tummy rubs per day. 1.2812 0.05678 96 74 17 5
2329 If you concede to the enhanced walk schedule laid out in Appendix A, my client agrees not to ruin any more pairs of your slippers. 1.2812 0.05482 96 73 19 4
2330 My assistant here tells me that you did not scratch him behind the ears, and that you failed to give him a Christmas biscuit. What do you have to say for yourself? 1.2810 0.05010 121 93 22 6
2331 All she wants is the collection of old sneakers. You can keep the cat. 1.2809 0.05297 89 66 21 2
2332 Co-sign and the doghouse is his. 1.2809 0.05533 89 67 19 3
2333 By signing here, you relinquish all rights to his stud fees. 1.2809 0.05533 89 67 19 3
2334 My client maintains that, as a member of the household, he's entitled to do a bit of re-decorating. 1.2809 0.05977 89 69 15 5
2335 …going forward , my client would like all inquiries concerning who’s a good boy in writing 1.2809 0.05297 89 66 21 2
2336 He wants you to define "best." 1.2809 0.05759 89 68 17 4
2337 My client gets the house, the yard and custody of the dog walker. You can keep the leash, the flea comb and the cat. 1.2809 0.05759 89 68 17 4
2338 It's a puppy pre~nup 1.2809 0.05759 89 68 17 4
2339 By signing this, you agree never to own a dog who is smarter than you again. 1.2809 0.05759 89 68 17 4
2340 'This freedom of information request obligates you to disclose who is a good boy.' 1.2807 0.05214 114 88 20 6
2341 His only demand is that he retains the 'dog park friends' as his own. 1.2807 0.05063 114 87 22 5
2342 My client’s got a bone to pick with you! 1.2807 0.05361 114 89 18 7
2343 He’s not demanding an end to the relationship, just a paws. 1.2807 0.05063 114 89 19 6
2344 This explains your duties if Rover here picks you to be his dog walker, after he conducts the interview. 1.2805 0.06322 82 64 13 5
2345 He’s just not sure you are Master material…. 1.2805 0.06322 82 64 13 5
2346 You can have my old office, the one with the fire hydrant. 1.2805 0.05285 82 60 21 1
2347 You chose Hank from the office as your best friend. Here's the compensation we're claiming. 1.2805 0.06322 82 64 13 5
2348 He's got a bone to pick with you. 1.2805 0.06556 82 65 11 6
2349 He can sense fear. 1.2805 0.06079 82 63 15 4
2350 It’s his final offer: walks on demand, steak for dinner and unlimited treats. Oh, and he sleeps where he wants 1.2805 0.05827 82 62 17 3
2351 My client argues that this operation will violate his reproductive rights. 1.2805 0.05827 82 62 17 3
2352 Well, do you want to be top dog in this company or not? 1.2804 0.05108 107 81 22 4
2353 My client would like full custody of any and all toys. 1.2804 0.05442 107 83 18 6
2354 It was close, but she clearly out performed you on the written. 1.2804 0.05277 107 82 20 5
2355 Rufus claims that you took your lunch out of the fridge and didn't give him a bite. Is that true? 1.2800 0.05333 100 76 20 4
2356 You always asked my client questions. Here are her answers and demands. 1.2800 0.04899 125 96 23 6
2357 Here, look at the ownership agreement. It clearly states no dry kibble. 1.2800 0.05519 100 77 18 5
2358 Your best friend insists you return to the office. 1.2800 0.06208 100 81 10 9
2359 Okay. I've just added the "help me find a girlfriend during park and beach walks" clause to your pet prenup. 1.2796 0.05376 93 70 20 3
2360 If he can have the frisbee collection, he’ll drop everything else. 1.2796 0.05376 93 70 20 3
2361 I know he was the one that cheated, but there's no way you're getting the dog house. 1.2796 0.05376 93 70 20 3
2362 He has agreed to let you keep the cat. 1.2796 0.05376 93 70 20 3
2363 He wants "You're a good boy" in writing. 1.2796 0.05590 93 71 18 4
2364 My client asks if you can throw him a bone and we'll get all this settled. 1.2796 0.05795 93 72 16 5
2365 She requests custody of the dogwalker. 1.2796 0.05154 93 69 22 2
2366 Sorry, we only employ blonds. 1.2796 0.05376 93 70 20 3
2367 This form releases my client from any and all claims, or as we like to say in the Industry, unleashes him. 1.2796 0.05993 93 73 14 6
2368 Further more my client insists that you sign this stipulation stating that he is 'a good boy, in fact, a very good boy'. 1.2796 0.06185 93 74 12 7
2369 I'm afraid this is our best and final offer. Spot wishes to remind you that you once referred to him as "The dimwitted urinator." 1.2796 0.05795 93 72 16 5
2370 We want you to give us the Stick account. And we won't let it go. 1.2794 0.04264 136 104 28 4
2371 Add one more daily belly rub, and you've got yourself a deal. 1.2793 0.04818 111 83 25 3
2372 To help me make up my mind, write a letter to my dog. 1.2793 0.05456 111 87 17 7
2373 It IS an unusual custody-sharing request. 1.2793 0.04985 111 84 23 4
2374 My client has requested that you return to your workplace immediately and stop talking to him as if he were your life coach 1.2793 0.05147 111 85 21 5
2375 It's a bitch, but someone's got to make the decision. 1.2793 0.04985 111 84 23 4
2376 I was initially skeptical of you bringing Snowball to the office. But now that he runs HR, he's decided you should stay home. 1.2791 0.06544 86 69 10 7
2377 The doghouse is non-negotiable. 1.2791 0.06111 86 67 14 5
2378 He’ll give up half his kibble if you agree to forfeit the leash. 1.2791 0.05139 86 63 22 1
2379 No, he gets the house, you get the kennel 1.2791 0.04919 129 100 22 7
2380 He's letting you keep the house, but he wants the couch. 1.2791 0.05398 86 64 20 2
2381 He says you've been a good boy. You get your raise. 1.2791 0.05646 86 65 18 3
2382 Fetching will be limited to week days, treats will be given without begging and no cats. 1.2791 0.06331 86 68 12 6
2383 So you want to play hardball? Then we have a deal. 1.2788 0.05870 104 83 13 8
2384 You'll notice the first requirement in your employment contract deals with the issue of doggie treats. 1.2788 0.05195 104 79 21 4
2385 Next time check with your state laws. 1.2788 0.05195 104 79 21 4
2386 None of my human boys were interested,so I’m handing over the firm to Floppy. 1.2788 0.05012 104 78 23 3
2387 No more baths, de-wormer pills, nail clipping, choke collars, or else. 1.2787 0.04396 122 90 30 2
2388 For the sterilization without consent with pain and suffering, that's $4 million, or a box of dog treats. 1.2785 0.05386 79 58 20 1
2389 My client is citing “communication difficulties” after 8 years, do you still need to ask “who’s a good girl?” 1.2785 0.06224 79 61 14 4
2390 My partner here has marked a spot for you. 1.2785 0.05820 79 62 13 4
2391 This could have been yours but Fido wanted it more. 1.2785 0.06224 79 61 14 4
2392 Mr. Sniffles finds your use of the phrase 'pre-puptial agreement' demeaning and dismissive. And he sees no reason why belly rubs should not be given on demand. 1.2785 0.06480 79 62 12 5
2393 He says, "You first." 1.2785 0.06224 79 61 14 4
2394 My client alleges your relationship is "friendly acquaintance" instead of "best friend." 1.2785 0.05958 79 60 16 3
2395 It says here he wants his balls back 1.2785 0.05679 79 59 18 2
2396 Max has filed for emancipation, here are your papers. 1.2784 0.04574 97 75 19 3
2397 I am sorry we have to let you go. This is just a cost cutting measure we are making since we found out Rover can fetch faster than you and for dog treats. 1.2784 0.05627 97 75 17 5
2398 What did you expect? She's a shitsue 1.2784 0.05815 97 76 15 6
2399 You get the puppies,she gets the house. 1.2784 0.05815 97 76 15 6
2400 Rufus has named you Executor for his will. You will fetch, beg, and play dead at his command. 1.2784 0.05997 97 77 13 7
2401 My client’s expectations to satisfy the term ‘man’s best friend’ ” 1.2784 0.05022 97 72 23 2
2402 My client wants you to sign a Prepuptial Agreement. 1.2784 0.05433 97 74 19 4
2403 You are both qualified candidates but we decided to go with Spot. His loyalty speaks for itself. 1.2784 0.05627 97 75 17 5
2404 You’d be barking mad not to sign 1.2784 0.05433 97 74 19 4
2405 He'd like you to go on the paper. 1.2783 0.05461 115 91 16 8
2406 You removed his balls without consent,sir. I recommend you settle now before it goes to curt. 1.2783 0.05319 115 90 18 7
2407 This one says you have to give three “good boy”s per day minimum 1.2778 0.05235 108 83 20 5
2408 Rest assured, we are a people friendly company. 1.2778 0.05709 108 86 14 8
2409 He wants to be "edogcipated" from you. His words... 1.2778 0.05247 90 67 21 2
2410 My client is asking for use of the dog house on weekends, all of the red doggy sweaters, and the puppies to be raised Jewish. 1.2778 0.05918 90 70 15 5
2411 He just wants contractual assurance that you will remain his best friend as well. 1.2778 0.05918 90 70 15 5
2412 You may keep the dress shoes but he retains chewing rights. 1.2778 0.05918 90 70 15 5
2413 Here’s a ruff draft of your divorce settlement. 1.2778 0.05004 90 66 23 1
2414 In return for being a good boy, yes he is, you promise not to stop and talk with Ellen Schultz and her annoying Pomeranian. 1.2778 0.05703 90 69 17 4
2415 When he wags we have a deal. 1.2778 0.06324 72 55 14 3
2416 Alfred is sorry but the vegan "bone" was the last straw. 1.2778 0.06126 90 71 13 6
2417 Hey, I'm sorry George, we have to let you go. We're turning your accounts over to our new senior partner, Milo. It really is a dog eat dog world now. 1.2778 0.06326 90 72 11 7
2418 Some advice. When he negotiates, don't assume his bark is worse than his bite 1.2778 0.05480 90 68 19 3
2419 He knew your wife first 1.2772 0.05472 101 78 18 5
2420 By signing this the party of the first part attests that my client is indeed a good boy. 1.2772 0.05472 101 78 18 5
2421 One walk per day, two on the weekends. Final offer. 1.2772 0.05288 101 77 20 4
2422 Now all we need is the last ten years of tax returns, 5 personal references, and a $500 check for administrative fees and your pet rescue will be complete. 1.2772 0.05288 101 77 20 4
2423 She's asking for sole physical custody of the couch, the frisbee, and Bella the cat. 1.2772 0.05097 101 76 22 3
2424 Let’s not make this a pissing contest because we all know who will win that. 1.2771 0.06485 83 66 11 6
2425 It was in the contract you couldn't touch another dog, sir 1.2771 0.06015 83 64 15 4
2426 Required Paw Print Please 1.2771 0.06255 83 65 13 5
2427 Our new hire was recommended by the diversity officer 1.2771 0.06015 83 64 15 4
2428 He wants a codicil added regarding his food preferences. 1.2771 0.05505 83 62 19 2
2429 So we agree you will still be sleeping in the same bed. 1.2769 0.06395 65 51 11 3
2430 It's a dog-eat-dog world, and we're hungry. 1.2769 0.07108 65 51 10 4
2431 How would you characterize the smell of your crotch? 1.2769 0.07438 65 52 8 5
2432 And my client would like it to be known and stated for the record that he is indeed a good boy. 1.2768 0.05107 112 86 21 5
2433 I hope we can agree with this settlement that your needs during lockdown for companionship were no less important than those of my client. 1.2768 0.04781 112 84 25 3
2434 You will tell my client that he’s a good boy or we are prepared to walk 1.2768 0.04781 112 84 25 3
2435 My client has become accustomed to a certain lifestyle. We're asking for alimony paid in the form of 15 bones per week. 1.2766 0.04879 94 69 24 1
2436 My client demands longer walks and better treats. 1.2766 0.05741 94 73 16 5
2437 Fido has made his bones by engaging in ruff negotiations. 1.2766 0.05741 94 73 16 5
2438 I'm sorry I can't renew your lease, this place is going to the dogs. 1.2766 0.05741 94 73 16 5
2439 Buster wants the payment to be made in Dogecoin. 1.2766 0.05327 94 71 20 3
2440 Here's the deal: Fido gets the house plus a monthly allowance for kibble and treats. You get the cat. 1.2766 0.05741 94 73 16 5
2441 Sir, my client is suing for reasons cited under "Ruff Circumstances". 1.2766 0.05538 94 72 18 4
2442 Visitation rights for each of the puppies has to be handled separately 1.2766 0.05108 94 70 22 2
2443 My client formerly known as “Fluffy” shall henceforth be named Mister Bigglesworth. 1.2766 0.05936 94 74 14 6
2444 The bite was consensual. 1.2766 0.06489 94 77 8 9
2445 He says he is ready to sue, after he saw you going to the bathroom in the house 1.2766 0.05538 94 72 18 4
2446 She’s a labradoodle. Prenups are standard. 1.2766 0.06310 94 76 10 8
2447 He's agreed to no longer beg at the table. 1.2766 0.05741 94 73 16 5
2448 On the basis of mental cruelty, incessant Faux Noise on the telly. 1.2764 0.04802 123 94 24 5
2449 You get to visit the pups on alternate weekends. 1.2763 0.05803 76 57 17 2
2450 You'll need to sign the leash agreement before we can transfer ownership of Scotty to you. 1.2763 0.06379 76 59 13 4
2451 My client says you can keep the cat. 1.2763 0.05803 76 57 17 2
2452 This is pretty straightforward. You’ll both sign, then smell each other’s butt. 1.2763 0.06649 76 60 11 5
2453 This is our final offer. You can keep the wife and I will get the house. 1.2762 0.05327 105 81 19 5
2454 My client has agreed to relinquish the dog house if she can keep the puppies. 1.2762 0.05496 105 82 17 6
2455 It's not too late for you to bow-wow-t of this agreement. 1.2762 0.05496 105 82 17 6
2456 Please review my client's exercise demands; otherwise, we are prepared to walk. 1.2759 0.04987 116 89 22 5
2457 He wants to make no bones about this. 1.2759 0.04513 116 86 28 2
2458 You may keep the dog house. 1.2759 0.05590 87 66 18 3
2459 He’d like three meals a day, not two. 1.2759 0.05135 116 90 20 6
2460 She gets all of your old golf shoes. 1.2759 0.04834 116 88 24 4
2461 Yes, she's in the running. Is that a problem? 1.2759 0.05824 87 67 16 4
2462 Furthermore, my client, Mr. Snuggles contends that he IS a good boy and not the bad boy you accuse him of being. 1.2759 0.05824 87 67 16 4
2463 He didn't bark at your offer 1.2759 0.05590 87 66 18 3
2464 If you're okay with wet food once a day, I think we have an agreement. 1.2755 0.05577 98 76 17 5
2465 My client will agree to a settlement that includes 2 belly rubs and treat every hour. And no more vet visits, final offer. 1.2755 0.05186 98 74 21 3
2466 The location of seven pairs of previously unacknowledged lost socks. 1.2755 0.05577 98 76 17 5
2467 Fido gets the house, you get the kennel 1.2755 0.05577 98 76 17 5
2468 Rusty has hired me to represent him in a harassment case claiming that, on Thursday, January 4th, you ruefully observed that the city was “going to the dogs!” 1.2755 0.05762 98 77 15 6
2469 You get to feed, walk and otherwise care for him for the rest of his life. He gets the house. 1.2755 0.04979 98 73 23 2
2470 This clause says the dog dish can never be empty. It's a non- dish closure clause. 1.2755 0.05385 98 75 19 4
2471 So it says here my client gets the BarcaLounger, the pause button on all the remotes, and that big book of puns he likes to chew on when he’s nervous. 1.2755 0.05577 98 76 17 5
2472 Mr. Bowser here has requested a lump sum payment of all the biscuits. 1.2755 0.05385 98 75 19 4
2473 So, Alpha gets top billing and 5 percent of the net. Are we good? 1.2755 0.05186 98 74 21 3
2474 You agree not to aggravate him; and he agrees not to eat your steaks. 1.2752 0.04855 109 82 24 3
2475 I have to say this is my first corporate mediation involving belly scratches 1.2752 0.05193 109 84 20 5
2476 I think you are a good fit for the position. But the dog says no. 1.2752 0.05193 109 84 20 5
2477 He wants the couch and your old shoe. 1.2750 0.05893 80 61 16 3
2478 Everything looks good so far. But he demands every potential walker provide DNA, references and a pre-hire belly scratch.... 1.2750 0.06156 80 62 14 4
2479 He wants out of his leash. 1.2750 0.06156 80 62 14 4
2480 In order to work for my client,you will have to take a scratch and sniff test. 1.2750 0.05893 80 61 16 3
2481 As part of the settlement, you agree to no longer refer to my client as “a bitch.” 1.2750 0.05016 120 93 21 6
2482 As you can see, he is paper trained. 1.2750 0.06156 80 62 14 4
2483 He just wants to be sure you don't disclose the location of the bones to other dogs. 1.2750 0.04874 120 92 23 5
2484 Your papers are impressive to be sure,but I'm afraid my client is looking for someone with a more dignified posture and classic coat. 1.2750 0.05893 80 61 16 3
2485 Fido brought his homework. What's your excuse? 1.2748 0.04605 131 100 26 5
2486 And here are Muffin's demands. 1.2747 0.05861 91 71 15 5
2487 My client is seeking a formal declaration of your loyalty. 1.2747 0.04958 91 67 23 1
2488 It seems we have agreement on everything but who gets the kids 1.2747 0.05649 91 70 17 4
2489 . . . and the Punitive Damages (Psychic) Section requires that you be neutered at the same veteraniary clinic where he was forced to endure that barbaric procedure. 1.2747 0.05861 91 71 15 5
2490 My client will sign the contract only if the words 'master' and 'pet' are replaced by the term 'fellow mammal'. 1.2747 0.05198 91 68 21 2
2491 She wants sole custoday. 1.2747 0.05428 91 69 19 3
2492 Keep in mind this is only a ruff draft. 1.2747 0.05649 91 70 17 4
2493 This wouldn’t have been necessary if you had let me get up on the couch. 1.2747 0.05861 91 71 15 5
2494 If nothing else, you should understand one thing: his bite is bigger than his bark. 1.2747 0.05428 91 69 19 3
2495 Now, this is your copy of the leash agreement. 1.2747 0.04958 91 67 23 1
2496 These are his demands…I took the liberty of having them translated 1.2745 0.05242 102 78 20 4
2497 Final offer on the Roommate Agreement. If my client sleeps in a crate, you sleep in a crate. 1.2745 0.05601 102 80 16 6
2498 He's a sniffler for details. 1.2745 0.05424 102 79 18 5
2499 You get joint custody of the liter 1.2743 0.04575 113 86 24 3
2500 First and foremost, I demand loyalty. 1.2743 0.05221 113 88 19 6
2501 He demands your wife on alternate weekends. 1.2743 0.05370 113 89 17 7
2502 My client sees this as an opportunity to help you dress better 1.2738 0.06416 84 67 11 6
2503 Just a standard pre-puptual agreement. 1.2738 0.06189 84 66 13 5
2504 Sorry, the dog beat you out on our unbias IQ Test. 1.2738 0.05449 84 63 19 2
2505 You agreed to give your dog the tennis ball in the divorce but when he looked for it he saw you still had it behind your back. 1.2738 0.06189 84 66 13 5
2506 This is a list of dates, times, and places you slanderously blamed him for your farts. 1.2738 0.06416 84 67 11 6
2507 I'm afraid he gets the house. 1.2738 0.05952 84 65 15 4
2508 He wants a pre-pup agreement. 1.2738 0.04895 84 61 23 0
2509 Citing the case of Brittany Spears, Spot is seeking to be emancipated from your control and to be solely responsible for his trusted brand across social media platforms. 1.2738 0.05706 84 64 17 3
2510 I think you understand how much we prize loyalty at this firm. 1.2738 0.05706 84 64 17 3
2511 In clause 10 you promise not to call him a son of a bitch. 1.2738 0.06189 84 66 13 5
2512 Can you confirm this is you and the cat napping together in the presence of Mr Fluffy? 1.2738 0.05706 84 64 17 3
2513 We're going nowhere as long as you insist on using "barking up the wrong tree" to counter her demands. 1.2738 0.05706 84 64 17 3
2514 My client would like their leash to be terminated 1.2738 0.05179 84 62 21 1
2515 The Thumbless one requests your signature so he can receive his inheritance. 1.2737 0.05487 95 73 18 4
2516 My client is prepared to offer you six biscuits. 1.2737 0.05487 95 73 18 4
2517 I'm afraid he insists on your hand-print. 1.2737 0.05487 95 73 18 4
2518 The settlement may seem harsh but you do have use of his dog house each summer. 1.2737 0.05062 95 71 22 2
2519 I said pet agree not pedigree! 1.2737 0.05062 95 71 22 2
2520 He says "you keep the cat, he gets the cat food!" 1.2737 0.05687 95 74 16 5
2521 She insists on getting The Dog House. 1.2737 0.04836 95 70 24 1
2522 Before we finalize the adoption, he asks that you agree to cease your investigation into the origins of his cuteness. 1.2737 0.05588 95 76 13 6
2523 Given your actions, my client is giving you two options: "roll over" or "play dead." 1.2737 0.05487 95 73 18 4
2524 In regard to your vet appointment next week, my client would like to remind you there is an ironclad reciprocity clause attached to the "Neutering" section of your contract 1.2737 0.06250 95 77 10 8
2525 As your wife’s executor I hate to inform you she left everything to the dog.Here is his more than generous settlement. 1.2736 0.05283 106 82 19 5
2526 And this is his Canine Power of Attorney....... 1.2735 0.05096 117 91 20 6
2527 My client has grown accustomed to a certain lifestyle but this can all go away if you just continue working remote. 1.2727 0.06029 77 59 15 3
2528 Keep the house. She just wants the bacon. 1.2727 0.05140 99 75 21 3
2529 For this week's New Yorker contest, I want you to draw me with my dog, asking you to draw this week's New Yorker contest. 1.2727 0.05988 88 69 14 5
2530 Last question. Scruffy wants to know, if we offer you this job, will be a good boy? 1.2727 0.05337 99 76 19 4
2531 I prefer candidates who know enough to wear neckwear to a job interview. 1.2727 0.05337 99 76 19 4
2532 Now we want to know YOUR take on our dog food! 1.2727 0.05535 88 67 18 3
2533 You get the wife but he gets the bed and the kibble! 1.2727 0.05988 88 69 14 5
2534 My client agrees to bark less in exchange for more treats. 1.2727 0.05766 88 68 16 4
2535 Feel Fortunate. All he wants is the doggie bed. 1.2727 0.05988 88 69 14 5
2536 Careful . He’s a rough rough negotiator. 1.2727 0.05294 88 66 20 2
2537 I assume you don't mind working for a dog . . . ? 1.2727 0.05151 110 85 20 5
2538 He thought the wanted ad said investment barker. 1.2727 0.05535 88 67 18 3
2539 Thanks for your application, but you still have to pass the sniff test. 1.2727 0.05337 99 76 19 4
2540 My client requests joint custody of the couch 1.2727 0.05433 77 57 19 1
2541 He insists you get half of everything. 1.2727 0.05311 110 86 18 6
2542 The only bone of contention is that he gets the dog house 1.2727 0.04987 110 84 22 4
2543 You agree to allow the division of all soft assets and the removal of their stuffing. 1.2727 0.05710 99 78 15 6
2544 My client wants three walks a day and unlimited kibble in exchange for being a good boy. 1.2727 0.05311 110 86 18 6
2545 Let’s try and not quibble over kibble, shall we? 1.2727 0.05535 88 67 18 3
2546 Well, it looks like my client will see you in court. 1.2727 0.06306 77 60 13 4
2547 Sorry we can't hire you, Joey. You just don't pass the smell test. 1.2727 0.05294 88 66 20 2
2548 That’s the best deal you’re going to get - no bones about it. 1.2727 0.04936 99 74 23 2
2549 It's just a short questionnaire. Once you're done, my colleague here will give it the sniff test. 1.2727 0.05766 88 68 16 4
2550 I'm afraid you're in the dog house. 1.2727 0.05151 110 85 20 5
2551 Even though he is suing you, he still your best friend 1.2727 0.05140 99 75 21 3
2552 My clients says if you think you are retaining the movie rights to this you are barking up the wrong tree. 1.2727 0.05294 88 66 20 2
2553 By signing this, you acknowledge that my client is not admitting to any wrongdoing. 1.2727 0.04264 99 76 21 2
2554 This new job will be a walk in the park for you. 1.2727 0.05535 88 67 18 3
2555 And here's the final addendum to your "return to the office" agreement stating that Rover is entitled to compensation for pain & suffering caused by separation anxiety and loss of companionship. 1.2727 0.05337 99 76 19 4
2556 Don’t look so glum. Go out and find yourself a cute cat. 1.2727 0.06029 77 59 15 3
2557 He wants the woman, the chair, and all the squeaky toys. 1.2727 0.05535 88 67 18 3
2558 I'm afraid this is going to be a ruff divorce. 1.2727 0.05888 99 79 13 7
2559 Do you take PayPal? 1.2727 0.05988 88 69 14 5
2560 Just sign here to agree that he's not a bad boy, he's a good boy. 1.2727 0.04775 88 64 24 0
2561 You're doing the right thing, Bob. Human-to-dog kidney transplants are the future. 1.2727 0.06827 77 62 9 6
2562 As I'm sure you now realize, domestication was your first mistake. 1.2727 0.05337 99 76 19 4
2563 On this piece of paper is all your dog could write. 1.2718 0.05552 103 81 16 6
2564 He has a license, but he's not a notary. 1.2718 0.05378 103 80 18 5
2565 Try not to see yourself as a “pandemic person.” Now that she’s back at work, she just doesn’t have the time and energy for you anymore. 1.2717 0.05595 92 71 17 4
2566 He wants to review the snip clause. 1.2717 0.05377 92 70 19 3
2567 Duke gets custody of your ex, but you may visit on alternate weekends. 1.2717 0.04913 92 68 23 1
2568 My client is giving you two weeks notice to move out at which time he will take full ownership of the apartment according to the conditions of your mother's will. 1.2717 0.06007 92 73 13 6
2569 Don't be so intransigent. Throw us a bone! 1.2717 0.05150 92 69 21 2
2570 This is what happens when you don't insist on a prepuptial agreement. 1.2717 0.05377 92 70 19 3
2571 Relax, he's a therapy dog 1.2717 0.05377 92 70 19 3
2572 As a cat person, sir, you're not the right fit for our firm." 1.2716 0.06337 81 64 12 5
2573 You can keep the doghouse. She just wants out. 1.2716 0.06089 81 63 14 4
2574 Welcome to the team. Fido will be your supervisor. 1.2716 0.05830 81 62 16 3
2575 Fido wants a divorce! 1.2716 0.06089 81 63 14 4
2576 In the words of my client, "the bad man knows what he did." 1.2716 0.06337 81 64 12 5
2577 You scratch his back, he’ll scratch yours. 1.2716 0.04973 81 59 22 0
2578 He gets the main house. You get the dog house. 1.2716 0.06089 81 63 14 4
2579 He wants the beach house. Yes, he does. Oh, yes he does. Oh, yessy wezzy fuzzy wuzzy wokky wooky wes he does. 1.2716 0.06089 81 63 14 4
2580 He agrees to everything else, but insists on real hamburger in the bowl. 1.2710 0.05069 107 82 21 4
2581 We don’t want to rub your nose in this. My client requests the bed, bones, and balls. 1.2710 0.05240 107 83 19 5
2582 Sorry, but you just don't pass the sniff test 1.2710 0.04517 107 79 27 1
2583 Once you sign, she agrees to be your best friend. 1.2708 0.05231 96 73 20 3
2584 Spunky here will now conduct a brief drug sniff. 1.2708 0.05437 96 74 18 4
2585 The divorce is now complete. Please sign this agreement to pay both alimony and puppy support. 1.2708 0.05231 96 73 20 3
2586 In agreeing to become your dog, Scruffy has asked for a six-year deal with a mutual buyout option after five years, and a no-kennel clause. 1.2708 0.04794 96 71 24 1
2587 After you have have read this, we hope you will agree that you have not been a good boy. 1.2708 0.05017 96 72 22 2
2588 He thinks “best friend” is misleading since he’s your only friend. 1.2708 0.05635 96 75 16 5
2589 Half of the kibble is all she’s asking for. 1.2708 0.05635 96 75 16 5
2590 Now the final thing: who gets the wife? 1.2708 0.05635 96 75 16 5
2591 The contract clearly states, "All bark and *some* bite". 1.2708 0.05437 96 74 18 4
2592 My client's sexual needs are being ignored. 1.2706 0.05891 85 66 15 4
2593 Twice daily scratchies behind the ears to be administered with an enthusiastic 'Good Dog', biscuits before bedtime, and the car rear window halfway open on all trips with my client. It's our final offer. 1.2706 0.05394 85 64 19 2
2594 My client is offering joint custody of the puppies. 1.2706 0.05394 85 64 19 2
2595 My client only wants what's fair and rightfully his ... the doghouse, of course, the sheepskin slipper he buried in the backyard, and the oak tree he peed against in good faith for the entirety of your relationship. 1.2706 0.05394 85 64 19 2
2596 He has a quibble over kibble. 1.2706 0.06348 85 68 11 6
2597 And he retains the rights to his image as well as all anecdotes involving himself. 1.2706 0.05891 85 66 15 4
2598 My client requires enough income to keep him in food, treats, toys, and veterinary care for the rest of his life. 1.2706 0.05648 85 65 17 3
2599 As a counteroffer, you get the tennis balls for holidays. 1.2706 0.05891 85 66 15 4
2600 You can visit the one-legged Teddy Bear every other weekend. 1.2706 0.05891 85 66 15 4
2601 He didn’t mark them with his initials, but they are definitely marked. 1.2706 0.05891 85 66 15 4
2602 My client needs your signature to verify that he is a very good boy. 1.2706 0.06124 85 67 13 5
2603 He'd like you to pee on this to 'quote' Know how it feels 'end quote' 1.2706 0.05394 85 64 19 2
2604 He said he wants a different owner. He said you don't feed him on time. 1.2706 0.05891 85 66 15 4
2605 Please sign here,next to the “woof”. 1.2706 0.06124 85 67 13 5
2606 If you call this “getting my walking papers” one more time… 1.2706 0.06124 85 67 13 5
2607 Yes the pre-pup agreement is quite clear…she gets the knick-knacks, the paddy whacks and the bone. 1.2703 0.05716 111 90 12 9
2608 Man's best friend says, it's in your best interest. 1.2703 0.04605 111 83 26 2
2609 I’m shocked Bob. Nobody expected the jury to come back for Brutus in a wrongful neuter case. 1.2703 0.06467 74 58 12 4
2610 My client believes he is entitled to custody of your leg for two weekends a month. 1.2703 0.05867 74 56 16 2
2611 He gets your house. You get his. 1.2703 0.05111 111 86 20 5
2612 Yes, I'm his lawyer. He says he will go home with you, if you agree to one can per day of his favorite dog food -- no dry stuff. 1.2703 0.05111 111 86 20 5
2613 Good boy! Time for a treat! 1.2703 0.04605 111 83 26 2
2614 He just doesn't want to be left in the doghouse if you split up. 1.2703 0.04779 111 84 24 3
2615 These are the terms; I guess she's not your best friend. 1.2700 0.05096 100 76 21 3
2616 Now you write something about him. 1.2700 0.05478 100 78 17 5
2617 Before we proceed, I’ll need proof that both of you have been vaccinated. 1.2700 0.05291 100 77 19 4
2618 And do you hereby affirm who's a good boy? 1.2700 0.05096 100 76 21 3
2619 He says he wants a dedicated poo collector when you're gone in this will. 1.2700 0.04230 100 77 21 2
2620 no, you’re right— technically that term is accurate. but my client objects to your tone. 1.2700 0.05096 100 76 21 3
2621 My client is willing to settle for a box of Milk Bones." 1.2700 0.05096 100 76 21 3
2622 We’ve chosen Buddy for CFO, we think you have a lot to offer and we hope you will consider the dog-walker position. 1.2700 0.06006 100 81 11 8
2623 I assume you have reached a conclusion about who will have rights to the couch? 1.2700 0.04683 100 74 25 1
2624 OK, in the unfortunate case of a breakup of this relationship, the dog gets the arm chair in the den, all its toys including your old brown slippers, and free roaming of the yard on weekends". 1.2698 0.04835 126 98 22 6
2625 Before we get started,please sign that you understand my client is off-leash for this discussion. 1.2697 0.05709 89 69 16 4
2626 You keep the cat and Princess here keeps the house. 1.2697<