These captions are chosen by The New Yorker.
Name | Value |
---|---|
Submission deadline | 2022-12-11T23:37:00.000Z |
Voting started | - |
Voting ended | 2023-01-08T23:39:00.000Z |
Finalists announced | 2022-12-26T23:38:00.000Z |
Magazine(s) announcing finalists issued | January 2 & 9, 2023 |
Number of captions | 4135 |
Number of responses | 1039647 |
Number of participants | - |
In this table, the "mean" means the empirically measured average funniness score when the "unfunny", "somewhat funny" and "funny" receive a funniness score of 1, 2, 3 respectively. "Precison" is the standard error of the mean, the standard deviation of the mean estimate. With that, a caption with an empirical mean μ and precision σ has true mean in the range [μ - 2σ, μ + 2σ] with 95% probability by the 68-95-99.7 rule assuming the responses are indepedent and identically distributed.
Rank | Caption | Mean | Precision | Total votes | "Unfunny" votes | "Somewhat funny" votes | "Funny" votes |
---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
0 | Any happily married people here tonight? | 1.8304 | 0.00996 | 6285 | 2583 | 2185 | 1517 |
1 | And a special shoutout to my lovely wife who’s in the audience tonight. | 1.8039 | 0.00880 | 7472 | 3040 | 2857 | 1575 |
2 | This next one goes out to a special lady in the audience. You know who you are. | 1.7852 | 0.00936 | 6782 | 2900 | 2439 | 1443 |
3 | Well, at least this thing’s turned on. | 1.7846 | 0.01070 | 5544 | 2486 | 1766 | 1292 |
4 | You there. In the front row. | 1.7755 | 0.01047 | 5413 | 2351 | 1926 | 1136 |
5 | I took a performance enhancer. | 1.7628 | 0.00822 | 9468 | 4417 | 2880 | 2171 |
6 | ... and lastly, to my ever supportive, encouraging and, I hope, forgiving wife who I forgot to mention at the award banquet earlier this evening. | 1.7622 | 0.00879 | 8447 | 4000 | 2456 | 1991 |
7 | Hey. You said you wanted to marry a stand-up guy. | 1.7606 | 0.00982 | 6007 | 2631 | 2183 | 1193 |
8 | I didn't complain when YOU started working from home. | 1.7574 | 0.00994 | 6015 | 2693 | 2088 | 1234 |
9 | Apparently, this isn’t the only thing which isn’t turned on. | 1.7568 | 0.01013 | 6159 | 2877 | 1903 | 1379 |
10 | I need a volunteer from the audience. | 1.7567 | 0.00869 | 7965 | 3598 | 2707 | 1660 |
11 | So, I'm gonna guess this isn't the performance in the bedroom you were hoping for? | 1.7554 | 0.01015 | 5764 | 2587 | 2000 | 1177 |
12 | Isn't it rich... are we a pair? You with your nose in a book, me on the air? | 1.7492 | 0.01246 | 3991 | 1863 | 1266 | 862 |
13 | Wow. Tough crowd. | 1.7483 | 0.00888 | 7472 | 3378 | 2597 | 1497 |
14 | Second marriages are great; I'm looking forward to mine. | 1.7480 | 0.01056 | 5548 | 2590 | 1766 | 1192 |
15 | Well your profile did say you wanted a man that could perform in bed | 1.7471 | 0.00878 | 8079 | 3797 | 2528 | 1754 |
16 | Apparently I will not be performing this evening | 1.7446 | 0.00958 | 6573 | 3035 | 2182 | 1356 |
17 | So a guy comes home just a little late from a bar. | 1.7427 | 0.00945 | 6542 | 2970 | 2285 | 1287 |
18 | At least this thing’s turned on. | 1.7417 | 0.00817 | 9415 | 4490 | 2867 | 2058 |
19 | What about if I said I was imagining the audience naked? | 1.7403 | 0.01062 | 5295 | 2448 | 1774 | 1073 |
20 | My wife can read me like a book. In fact, she prefers the book. | 1.7402 | 0.00983 | 6124 | 2814 | 2087 | 1223 |
21 | I didn't appreciate your comment "every night is amateur night". | 1.7367 | 0.01017 | 5833 | 2728 | 1913 | 1192 |
22 | It’s nice to see a familiar face in the crowd. | 1.7363 | 0.00867 | 7543 | 3395 | 2742 | 1406 |
23 | No, honey. Monday is book night, Tuesday is sex night, and Wednesday is open mike night. | 1.7345 | 0.00949 | 6441 | 2950 | 2251 | 1240 |
24 | Who said I couldn't perform in bed? | 1.7325 | 0.00915 | 7335 | 3495 | 2307 | 1533 |
25 | I’m trying a new routine in the bedroom, just like you wanted. | 1.7316 | 0.00967 | 6199 | 2853 | 2157 | 1189 |
26 | This isn’t a one-night stand, I’m here all week. | 1.7308 | 0.00891 | 7252 | 3326 | 2552 | 1374 |
27 | Do I really have to audition for everything? | 1.7293 | 0.01053 | 5283 | 2456 | 1801 | 1026 |
28 | Is anyone celebrating an anniversary this evening? | 1.7228 | 0.01363 | 3084 | 1429 | 1081 | 574 |
29 | I had them in stitches in the kids' room. | 1.7115 | 0.01170 | 4031 | 1861 | 1472 | 698 |
30 | You've been a great audience - I'll be on the couch Tuesday and Wednesday. | 1.7092 | 0.00893 | 7050 | 3304 | 2492 | 1254 |
31 | Thanks for coming tonight. | 1.7048 | 0.00843 | 8320 | 4049 | 2678 | 1593 |
32 | Your husband's almost home. I'm the warm-up." | 1.7033 | 0.00970 | 6039 | 2879 | 2073 | 1087 |
33 | You could at least heckle me. | 1.7025 | 0.00944 | 6085 | 2825 | 2245 | 1015 |
34 | This not what I expected when you said 'one-night stand.' | 1.6992 | 0.00977 | 6200 | 3049 | 1967 | 1184 |
35 | Dave was eager show his new bride that he had no trouble performing in the bedroom | 1.6983 | 0.01059 | 5263 | 2587 | 1677 | 999 |
36 | "I gotta confess, 'having a little trouble reading the room here." | 1.6968 | 0.00996 | 5396 | 2510 | 2012 | 874 |
37 | I preferred the heckling, Helen. | 1.6936 | 0.01493 | 2510 | 1204 | 871 | 435 |
38 | I'd like to make a toast to the extra firm mattress that makes this all possible. | 1.6857 | 0.00980 | 5771 | 2792 | 2001 | 978 |
39 | Regrets? I’ve had a few. | 1.6771 | 0.01028 | 5255 | 2581 | 1790 | 884 |
40 | Sometimes I think we've fallen into a routine. | 1.6757 | 0.01025 | 5165 | 2509 | 1822 | 834 |
41 | So my wife asked me to up my performance in bed…. | 1.6706 | 0.01074 | 4863 | 2429 | 1607 | 827 |
42 | I don’t get it, you’re always saying my performance in bed is laughable… | 1.6674 | 0.01006 | 5640 | 2860 | 1796 | 984 |
43 | Talk about a one night stand. | 1.6630 | 0.01127 | 4448 | 2258 | 1431 | 759 |
44 | Worst one night stand ever | 1.6563 | 0.01094 | 4708 | 2413 | 1500 | 795 |
45 | Have I mentioned I've been having performance anxiety lately? | 1.6478 | 0.01111 | 4284 | 2153 | 1487 | 644 |
46 | Not knowing which she would enjoy more, the printed or audio version of the book, she opted for both. | 1.6410 | 0.01595 | 2212 | 1162 | 682 | 368 |
47 | Thank you, thank you. I’ll be here till death do us part. | 1.6331 | 0.01887 | 1480 | 761 | 501 | 218 |
48 | I'll be here all week...or maybe on the couch after tonight. | 1.6241 | 0.01233 | 3426 | 1778 | 1158 | 490 |
49 | You asked me to improvise. | 1.6136 | 0.01180 | 3931 | 2129 | 1192 | 610 |
50 | Ladies and gentlemen, working from home is still not going great. | 1.6125 | 0.01347 | 2808 | 1470 | 956 | 382 |
51 | You used to love that I'm a stand-up guy. | 1.6105 | 0.03108 | 534 | 282 | 178 | 74 |
52 | This isn’t the first time my wife has been unimpressed with me in bed. | 1.6087 | 0.01415 | 2599 | 1383 | 850 | 366 |
53 | Well, you did say I was a joke in bed. | 1.6010 | 0.01529 | 2268 | 1234 | 705 | 329 |
54 | Jennifer really wished Robert’s mid-life crises was another woman and not stand up. | 1.6006 | 0.01470 | 2634 | 1485 | 716 | 433 |
55 | So, this is where you throw your panties onstage. | 1.5916 | 0.01578 | 2319 | 1336 | 594 | 389 |
56 | So, this isn't your idea of performing in bed? | 1.5903 | 0.01525 | 2360 | 1329 | 669 | 362 |
57 | I distinctly recall you saying “I need you to be more open, Mike”! | 1.5737 | 0.01700 | 1886 | 1087 | 516 | 283 |
58 | So, relationships— am I right? | 1.5736 | 0.01695 | 1808 | 1019 | 541 | 248 |
59 | Good looking crowd. Who here's been married a while? | 1.5695 | 0.01716 | 1812 | 1041 | 510 | 261 |
60 | Why do you have to check everything I say? | 1.5645 | 0.01947 | 1318 | 741 | 410 | 167 |
61 | Tough crowd tonight. | 1.5611 | 0.01762 | 1556 | 867 | 505 | 184 |
62 | Tough room… | 1.5609 | 0.01805 | 1608 | 929 | 456 | 223 |
63 | Same old routine tonight? | 1.5604 | 0.01902 | 1390 | 789 | 423 | 178 |
64 | This one goes out to the little lady in the pink nightgown. | 1.5583 | 0.01980 | 1329 | 769 | 378 | 182 |
65 | Thank you and good night. I’m booked at the guest bedroom indefinitely. | 1.5582 | 0.01833 | 1503 | 858 | 451 | 194 |
66 | At the bar, you'd didn't say I'd have to audition." | 1.5574 | 0.01873 | 1464 | 843 | 426 | 195 |
67 | Is it the material, or the delivery? | 1.5537 | 0.01921 | 1434 | 842 | 390 | 202 |
68 | So, I'm married. Anyone else in the room married? | 1.5535 | 0.01978 | 1346 | 789 | 369 | 188 |
69 | If you think I'm lousy ON the bed, just wait. | 1.5526 | 0.01950 | 1359 | 791 | 385 | 183 |
70 | Something tells me I should move my act to the couch. | 1.5523 | 0.01850 | 1425 | 809 | 445 | 171 |
71 | One of us is at the wrong address. I’m beginning to think it may be me. | 1.5520 | 0.01874 | 1384 | 785 | 434 | 165 |
72 | Guess what, honey? I’ve conquered my performance anxiety. | 1.5508 | 0.01891 | 1418 | 821 | 413 | 184 |
73 | I never thought I'd miss hecklers. | 1.5498 | 0.02069 | 1124 | 637 | 356 | 131 |
74 | Anyone here married? | 1.5496 | 0.01931 | 1370 | 797 | 393 | 180 |
75 | So I'm thinking that's a No? | 1.5493 | 0.02075 | 1187 | 691 | 340 | 156 |
76 | You said you wanted a standup guy. | 1.5486 | 0.01951 | 1318 | 762 | 389 | 167 |
77 | I know you'd clap if it wouldn't turn off the lights. | 1.5484 | 0.02067 | 1260 | 752 | 325 | 183 |
78 | Janice was starting to feel like it was going to be harder than she thought to cancel her audio book subscription. | 1.5483 | 0.02125 | 1295 | 803 | 274 | 218 |
79 | I'd like to give a shout out to my wife, if she listening tonight... | 1.5450 | 0.01993 | 1268 | 739 | 367 | 162 |
80 | You know him... you hopefully love him... please welcome to the bed... your husband! | 1.5422 | 0.02088 | 1160 | 680 | 331 | 149 |
81 | Okay, let's have a show of hands. How many of you folks out there currently have a headache? | 1.5415 | 0.02178 | 1084 | 641 | 299 | 144 |
82 | You did say that you were looking for a stand up guy. | 1.5391 | 0.02058 | 1150 | 667 | 346 | 137 |
83 | Was it funny for you? | 1.5383 | 0.02252 | 992 | 584 | 282 | 126 |
84 | My agent told me to try more intimate rooms. | 1.5379 | 0.01999 | 1162 | 662 | 375 | 125 |
85 | If I can make it here, I can make it anywhere. | 1.5342 | 0.02157 | 1112 | 667 | 296 | 149 |
86 | I’d like to close tonight with a story about my future ex-wife… | 1.5339 | 0.02270 | 987 | 588 | 271 | 128 |
87 | Like it or not I'll be here every night this week. | 1.5337 | 0.02049 | 1171 | 688 | 341 | 142 |
88 | Pretty laid back crowd tonight. | 1.5332 | 0.02169 | 1024 | 597 | 308 | 119 |
89 | The one time I want you to laugh in bed. | 1.5329 | 0.02205 | 1034 | 614 | 289 | 131 |
90 | She turned the page slowly, seductively. | 1.5324 | 0.02295 | 973 | 583 | 262 | 128 |
91 | So you, yeah you with the book, what brings you here tonight? | 1.5310 | 0.02241 | 1015 | 608 | 275 | 132 |
92 | Any requests besides, Not Tonight, Derek. | 1.5306 | 0.02240 | 1031 | 622 | 271 | 138 |
93 | Take my pleas, wife! | 1.5301 | 0.02327 | 981 | 599 | 244 | 138 |
94 | Anyone here from the right side of the bed? | 1.5295 | 0.02264 | 948 | 558 | 278 | 112 |
95 | Stand up and erection are two very different things. | 1.5280 | 0.02280 | 1070 | 669 | 237 | 164 |
96 | Looks like we got a reader over there... what's your name and who are you with? | 1.5266 | 0.02447 | 847 | 510 | 228 | 109 |
97 | Well this is an improvement over my last audience. I actually put them to sleep. | 1.5261 | 0.02106 | 1072 | 629 | 322 | 121 |
98 | So my wife told me I should take more risks in the bedroom… | 1.5244 | 0.02173 | 982 | 572 | 305 | 105 |
99 | You have your bedtime routine and I have mine.” | 1.5231 | 0.02495 | 887 | 557 | 196 | 134 |
100 | I’m trying a new bedtime routine | 1.5224 | 0.02278 | 938 | 559 | 268 | 111 |
101 | Jim's performance in the bedroom began to suffer | 1.5222 | 0.02234 | 1082 | 674 | 251 | 157 |
102 | I'd like to thank you for coming tonight. | 1.5214 | 0.02230 | 957 | 566 | 283 | 108 |
103 | My jokes will put you to sleep faster than that book. | 1.5209 | 0.02308 | 885 | 522 | 265 | 98 |
104 | I feel like my performance in bed doesn't interest you. | 1.5198 | 0.02242 | 983 | 592 | 271 | 120 |
105 | I told you I was a stand-up guy | 1.5198 | 0.02398 | 835 | 497 | 242 | 96 |
106 | Could you at least heckle? | 1.5194 | 0.02191 | 926 | 535 | 301 | 90 |
107 | Performing in bed is sort of a vague term. | 1.5189 | 0.02252 | 927 | 548 | 277 | 102 |
108 | What do you mean, living with me has become a routine? | 1.5181 | 0.02260 | 940 | 561 | 271 | 108 |
109 | You're the one who asked me to be more creative in bed." | 1.5180 | 0.02359 | 919 | 563 | 236 | 120 |
110 | This relationship isn’t working. You’re a morning person and I’m a figment of your imagination. | 1.5178 | 0.02502 | 786 | 474 | 217 | 95 |
111 | Hey, you're the one who was worried I couldn't perform in bed. | 1.5155 | 0.02320 | 937 | 573 | 245 | 119 |
112 | And my first impression tonight is “ Invisible man” | 1.5145 | 0.02606 | 692 | 412 | 204 | 76 |
113 | But you wanted to see how I performed in bed! | 1.5134 | 0.02447 | 898 | 566 | 203 | 129 |
114 | I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport. | 1.5132 | 0.02438 | 836 | 510 | 223 | 103 |
115 | John's one night stand. | 1.5078 | 0.02622 | 774 | 490 | 175 | 109 |
116 | I call it my bedtime routine. | 1.5044 | 0.02313 | 914 | 562 | 243 | 109 |
117 | …so if you’ll please raise a glass and join me in toasting the time when you thought I was still interesting. | 1.5026 | 0.02390 | 764 | 451 | 242 | 71 |
118 | Good to see ya, folks. Nice crowd. So, anyone out there disillusioned with their husband's career choices? | 1.5024 | 0.02437 | 834 | 517 | 215 | 102 |
119 | This one's for the little lady in the front row reading Women on Top | 1.5013 | 0.02435 | 790 | 480 | 224 | 86 |
120 | For this next bit, I'm going to need a volunteer. | 1.5007 | 0.02597 | 687 | 416 | 198 | 73 |
121 | Look, I told you I was a stand-up guy. | 1.5007 | 0.02463 | 769 | 467 | 219 | 83 |
122 | You said you wanted me to improve my performance in bed. | 1.5000 | 0.02584 | 756 | 474 | 186 | 96 |
123 | Well, I see a new face here tonight." | 1.5000 | 0.02608 | 728 | 453 | 186 | 89 |
124 | What’s the difference between a husband and a good book? The book can’t be put down. | 1.4992 | 0.02836 | 649 | 413 | 148 | 88 |
125 | Sometimes Maggie regretted subscribing to the Super Premium Audible membership. | 1.4979 | 0.02651 | 723 | 456 | 174 | 93 |
126 | We have very different bedtime routines. | 1.4979 | 0.02538 | 715 | 434 | 206 | 75 |
127 | I thought you’d be happy that I’ve overcome my performance anxiety | 1.4972 | 0.02583 | 718 | 443 | 193 | 82 |
128 | You there in the front row, are you single? | 1.4972 | 0.02586 | 714 | 440 | 193 | 81 |
129 | If you think this is uninteresting just wait until I’m naked | 1.4971 | 0.02660 | 690 | 429 | 179 | 82 |
130 | The comedy club has been encouraging me to work from home. | 1.4964 | 0.02588 | 699 | 428 | 195 | 76 |
131 | Honestly, this is the first time we’ve been in bed and I haven’t gotten a laugh. | 1.4964 | 0.02626 | 691 | 426 | 187 | 78 |
132 | Well, I see my time is up. | 1.4962 | 0.02433 | 782 | 477 | 222 | 83 |
133 | I can go all night. | 1.4955 | 0.02550 | 670 | 400 | 208 | 62 |
134 | And in closing, I'd like to thank my beautiful wife, Kate, for her untiring ability to ignore repeated requests for intimacy while deeply engrossed in yet another romance novel featuring a workaholic husband, a neglected wife, and a pool boy. | 1.4944 | 0.02714 | 716 | 461 | 156 | 99 |
135 | I dedicate this next song to my mother-in-law,who told us that getting rid of our TV would improve our sex life | 1.4942 | 0.02601 | 694 | 427 | 191 | 76 |
136 | My next number is dedicated to my lovely wife, "Strangers in the Night." | 1.4932 | 0.02453 | 813 | 509 | 207 | 97 |
137 | This is what I've been saying- the bed is too firm. I shouldn't be able to do this. | 1.4902 | 0.02731 | 612 | 375 | 174 | 63 |
138 | Is this thing on? | 1.4894 | 0.02929 | 662 | 443 | 114 | 105 |
139 | You said you only sleep with stand-up guys. | 1.4892 | 0.02744 | 693 | 448 | 151 | 94 |
140 | I see some familiar faces in the audience tonight. | 1.4890 | 0.02629 | 681 | 423 | 183 | 75 |
141 | Thanks for coming out tonight! Who else here has a headache? | 1.4889 | 0.02832 | 632 | 404 | 147 | 81 |
142 | I must’ve misread the room. | 1.4883 | 0.02586 | 725 | 456 | 184 | 85 |
143 | 'A Protagonist, an Antagonist, and a Lonely Husband walk into a bar..." | 1.4880 | 0.02768 | 627 | 393 | 162 | 72 |
144 | Are you getting sleepy yet? I'm almost out of material. | 1.4874 | 0.02791 | 597 | 370 | 163 | 64 |
145 | So my wife told me I needed to improve my performance in the bedroom… | 1.4863 | 0.02593 | 691 | 429 | 188 | 74 |
146 | And by request, “Strangers in the night” | 1.4850 | 0.02804 | 635 | 406 | 150 | 79 |
147 | Well you did ask if I could perform well in bed | 1.4843 | 0.02455 | 766 | 476 | 209 | 81 |
148 | So I say to her, "You know, you're holding the book upside down." | 1.4843 | 0.02880 | 572 | 359 | 149 | 64 |
149 | What if I promise no wife jokes? | 1.4838 | 0.02653 | 618 | 376 | 185 | 57 |
150 | Not in the mood? No worries—I’ll be here all week. | 1.4826 | 0.02829 | 603 | 382 | 151 | 70 |
151 | Did you just fake the applause? | 1.4824 | 0.02740 | 597 | 368 | 170 | 59 |
152 | Please hold your applause to the end. | 1.4823 | 0.02803 | 566 | 348 | 163 | 55 |
153 | Anybody else here think they misunderstood "one night stand"? | 1.4805 | 0.02755 | 666 | 431 | 150 | 85 |
154 | This next song goes out to the angry wife in the front row. | 1.4794 | 0.02769 | 632 | 403 | 155 | 74 |
155 | Now would be an ok time for you to laugh at my performance in bed. | 1.4794 | 0.02739 | 630 | 398 | 162 | 70 |
156 | You could at least have the decency to heckle me. | 1.4793 | 0.02361 | 799 | 494 | 227 | 78 |
157 | Is it the wife jokes? | 1.4790 | 0.02837 | 595 | 378 | 149 | 68 |
158 | Hey! Did you hear the one about the wife who would pretend to be reading a book every time she really wanted to have sex?! | 1.4788 | 0.02690 | 685 | 441 | 160 | 84 |
159 | I guess this new position isn’t working either. | 1.4785 | 0.02660 | 673 | 427 | 170 | 76 |
160 | When we were dating, you liked my stand-up. | 1.4782 | 0.02732 | 596 | 369 | 169 | 58 |
161 | I know you're out there, I can hear you turning pages. | 1.4766 | 0.02664 | 642 | 402 | 174 | 66 |
162 | Honey I'm home! | 1.4766 | 0.03175 | 491 | 317 | 114 | 60 |
163 | At least no one in the audience is dozing off. | 1.4763 | 0.02736 | 613 | 385 | 164 | 64 |
164 | How many people here are married? | 1.4750 | 0.02667 | 659 | 418 | 169 | 72 |
165 | Any single ladies here tonight? | 1.4745 | 0.02769 | 609 | 386 | 157 | 66 |
166 | You laugh when I'm under the sheets. | 1.4741 | 0.02633 | 637 | 396 | 180 | 61 |
167 | I’m practicing visualizing the audience in their underwear. | 1.4740 | 0.02778 | 576 | 359 | 161 | 56 |
168 | So yeah, having to perform every night in bed isn't easy ... | 1.4727 | 0.02827 | 641 | 422 | 135 | 84 |
169 | This is a good sign, at least you're not falling asleep. | 1.4725 | 0.02761 | 527 | 318 | 169 | 40 |
170 | How many here have a headache tonight? | 1.4709 | 0.02963 | 550 | 355 | 131 | 64 |
171 | I'm working on my performance in the bedroom. | 1.4709 | 0.02767 | 618 | 396 | 153 | 69 |
172 | This is the first time I've tried stand-up with a one-night stand. | 1.4704 | 0.02817 | 574 | 363 | 152 | 59 |
173 | ... but enough about my first wife... | 1.4701 | 0.03025 | 551 | 362 | 119 | 70 |
174 | Do we have any readers in the house tonight? | 1.4697 | 0.02902 | 545 | 346 | 142 | 57 |
175 | Aren't you at least going to heckle me? | 1.4687 | 0.02774 | 527 | 321 | 165 | 41 |
176 | I take it you didn't care for the warm-up act. | 1.4665 | 0.02821 | 538 | 335 | 155 | 48 |
177 | Honey, you're the one who suggested role-playing. | 1.4659 | 0.02944 | 543 | 350 | 133 | 60 |
178 | My crowds have gotten smaller since the pandemic." | 1.4655 | 0.02843 | 522 | 324 | 153 | 45 |
179 | but that’s enough about me | 1.4653 | 0.02862 | 576 | 372 | 140 | 64 |
180 | You've really been a great audience. I've never felt so at home. | 1.4653 | 0.03070 | 475 | 301 | 127 | 47 |
181 | I thought you said my performance in bed was laughable? | 1.4652 | 0.03103 | 503 | 328 | 116 | 59 |
182 | I kind of like this working from home. | 1.4642 | 0.02940 | 517 | 328 | 138 | 51 |
183 | I'll be here all week to reflect on why I forgot our anniversary. | 1.4607 | 0.02877 | 560 | 362 | 138 | 60 |
184 | Ronda nervously laughed as she looked at Bob. He didn’t know this was her first one night stand up. | 1.4587 | 0.03192 | 484 | 321 | 104 | 59 |
185 | I'd like to begin by thanking my wife for her love and support | 1.4579 | 0.02896 | 546 | 353 | 136 | 57 |
186 | Ignore me if you’ve heard this one before. | 1.4578 | 0.02999 | 474 | 299 | 133 | 42 |
187 | I never know when you’re faking an applause. | 1.4573 | 0.02875 | 586 | 387 | 130 | 69 |
188 | But seriously, folks . . . my wife isn't into me anymore. Last night she met me at the door wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was just coming home. | 1.4569 | 0.03645 | 394 | 268 | 72 | 54 |
189 | You’ve been a great audience. I’ll be here all your life. | 1.4566 | 0.03055 | 438 | 273 | 130 | 35 |
190 | My next song is going out to a little lady tucked in bed reading another unbelievable romance novel..." | 1.4556 | 0.02993 | 507 | 328 | 127 | 52 |
191 | The least you could do is heckle me. | 1.4553 | 0.02923 | 481 | 301 | 141 | 39 |
192 | So I asked my wife what book was her favorite. Her response: Your checkbook. | 1.4538 | 0.03035 | 509 | 334 | 119 | 56 |
193 | What? Your Match profile said you were looking for a stand-up guy… | 1.4515 | 0.02933 | 536 | 351 | 128 | 57 |
194 | Okay, so now I know when you say “try something new in the bedroom,” you don’t mean “material”… | 1.4512 | 0.03026 | 461 | 293 | 128 | 40 |
195 | Stay tuned for some exciting action, sports fans; the little lady just found my diary! | 1.4512 | 0.03237 | 461 | 307 | 100 | 54 |
196 | I’m trying to be the stand-up guy your mom has always wished I was. | 1.4509 | 0.02872 | 530 | 341 | 139 | 50 |
197 | Women always say they want a man who makes them laugh. so here goes … | 1.4506 | 0.03279 | 415 | 269 | 105 | 41 |
198 | Try reading the room sometime. | 1.4500 | 0.02913 | 500 | 319 | 137 | 44 |
199 | And of course, none of this would have been possible without my wife’s undying attention and support. | 1.4493 | 0.03057 | 483 | 315 | 119 | 49 |
200 | But in response to ‘turn ons,’ you wrote, ‘guys who make me laugh’. | 1.4488 | 0.02940 | 537 | 354 | 125 | 58 |
201 | Wow, tough audience. | 1.4483 | 0.03026 | 464 | 297 | 126 | 41 |
202 | At least the microphone is turned on. | 1.4481 | 0.03218 | 453 | 300 | 103 | 50 |
203 | I'd like to dedicate this song to all the lonely husbands out there whose wives pay them no mind. | 1.4471 | 0.02952 | 463 | 292 | 135 | 36 |
204 | Hard to read the room when the room is reading. | 1.4468 | 0.03002 | 479 | 309 | 126 | 44 |
205 | I don’t think this is the role play the therapist had in mind. | 1.4461 | 0.03026 | 464 | 298 | 125 | 41 |
206 | I see some very familiar faces in the crowd tonight. | 1.4459 | 0.03422 | 388 | 255 | 93 | 40 |
207 | But I thought you said you wanted more variety in the bedroom? | 1.4457 | 0.03121 | 460 | 301 | 113 | 46 |
208 | I mean what’s the deal with orgasms anyway? | 1.4444 | 0.03217 | 432 | 283 | 106 | 43 |
209 | First and foremost, I'd like to thank my wife who is not here tonight | 1.4442 | 0.03329 | 403 | 264 | 99 | 40 |
210 | hi, it's your husband and best selling author of "Shut the Lights and let's go to Bed" | 1.4434 | 0.03115 | 442 | 286 | 116 | 40 |
211 | Honey, could you possibly put the book down long enough to heckle me? | 1.4430 | 0.02989 | 465 | 298 | 128 | 39 |
212 | The mattress salesman said whatever I do in bed, it won’t disturb you. | 1.4426 | 0.03167 | 488 | 331 | 98 | 59 |
213 | This isn't as big a turn-on as I'd hoped. | 1.4426 | 0.02936 | 470 | 299 | 134 | 37 |
214 | We got any readers out there in the audience? | 1.4417 | 0.03045 | 446 | 286 | 123 | 37 |
215 | Isn’t this what you meant when you said “dinner and a show”? | 1.4417 | 0.03068 | 480 | 317 | 114 | 49 |
216 | Wasn't it you who said you wanted me to talk more in bed? | 1.4416 | 0.03288 | 428 | 285 | 97 | 46 |
217 | I can see this is a really tough audience tonight. | 1.4396 | 0.02922 | 480 | 308 | 133 | 39 |
218 | How's this for performing better in the bedroom? | 1.4391 | 0.03071 | 476 | 315 | 113 | 48 |
219 | Honey, I have an announcement to make. | 1.4390 | 0.03331 | 426 | 287 | 91 | 48 |
220 | Is this enough foreplay for you, or should I do another set? | 1.4372 | 0.03052 | 430 | 275 | 122 | 33 |
221 | Anyone from out of town? | 1.4361 | 0.03165 | 438 | 289 | 107 | 42 |
222 | My next guest is a stay at home serial killer who is reading "Catcher In the Rye. | 1.4359 | 0.03137 | 468 | 314 | 104 | 50 |
223 | To my wife sex is a novel concept—it only occurs in books late at night. | 1.4352 | 0.03165 | 471 | 319 | 99 | 53 |
224 | Is this a good time to talk? | 1.4350 | 0.03435 | 400 | 271 | 84 | 45 |
225 | Thank you. I'll be here all night. | 1.4349 | 0.03219 | 384 | 246 | 109 | 29 |
226 | We need to talk. | 1.4347 | 0.03259 | 398 | 260 | 103 | 35 |
227 | It says here that performance issues are perfectly normal at your age. | 1.4346 | 0.03223 | 451 | 305 | 96 | 50 |
228 | Thank you New York! It's great to be here tonight. Say, has anybody's wife ever told them they're a joke in bed? | 1.4342 | 0.03455 | 357 | 234 | 91 | 32 |
229 | My doc says I should practice a nightly routine before bed. | 1.4332 | 0.03721 | 337 | 228 | 72 | 37 |
230 | One-night stand…up. | 1.4317 | 0.03189 | 410 | 268 | 107 | 35 |
231 | You there, the lady in the front row…where are you visiting from? | 1.4317 | 0.03133 | 417 | 271 | 112 | 34 |
232 | I sense it’s time to wrap this up. | 1.4304 | 0.03235 | 395 | 258 | 104 | 33 |
233 | On our wedding day I vowed to be your stand-up guy for life. | 1.4304 | 0.02882 | 474 | 305 | 134 | 35 |
234 | Thanks for comin' out tonight. I'm here all week. And for the rest of your life. | 1.4300 | 0.03280 | 407 | 271 | 97 | 39 |
235 | You asked me to perform in the bedroom. | 1.4297 | 0.03279 | 377 | 245 | 102 | 30 |
236 | This isn't helping my performance anxiety. | 1.4292 | 0.03072 | 459 | 305 | 111 | 43 |
237 | 'When I told you I was going to become a stand up comedian, you laughed. Well, you're not laughing now." | 1.4282 | 0.03424 | 404 | 277 | 81 | 46 |
238 | If I could have your attention please | 1.4275 | 0.03184 | 414 | 273 | 105 | 36 |
239 | Good evening woman in the first row, where are you from? | 1.4246 | 0.03397 | 358 | 236 | 92 | 30 |
240 | This one goes out to all the women who never paid attention to me. | 1.4242 | 0.03431 | 363 | 242 | 88 | 33 |
241 | When I asked my agent to book more intimate venues this is not what I had in mind. | 1.4234 | 0.03612 | 359 | 247 | 72 | 40 |
242 | Can I get a volunteer from the audience? | 1.4233 | 0.03290 | 378 | 249 | 98 | 31 |
243 | I haven't worked a room like this since I was single | 1.4227 | 0.03481 | 362 | 244 | 83 | 35 |
244 | Do you come here often? | 1.4226 | 0.03376 | 381 | 256 | 89 | 36 |
245 | Are you sure this is how audiobooks work?" | 1.4223 | 0.03482 | 386 | 266 | 77 | 43 |
246 | Can we have a little audience participation? | 1.4219 | 0.03356 | 384 | 258 | 90 | 36 |
247 | You said to be more spontaneous in bed. | 1.4218 | 0.03428 | 339 | 222 | 91 | 26 |
248 | I do requests | 1.4218 | 0.03338 | 377 | 251 | 93 | 33 |
249 | So, do we have anyone from the right side of the bed here tonight? | 1.4217 | 0.03671 | 351 | 243 | 68 | 40 |
250 | But you always say I don’t communicate. | 1.4213 | 0.03217 | 356 | 228 | 106 | 22 |
251 | Thanks, I’ll be here all night. | 1.4212 | 0.03216 | 368 | 238 | 105 | 25 |
252 | You used to laugh at my jokes. | 1.4207 | 0.03257 | 397 | 265 | 97 | 35 |
253 | You have said my jokes put you to sleep. So, I thought, why not? | 1.4203 | 0.03149 | 433 | 291 | 102 | 40 |
254 | This Audio book was more than you bargained for wasn't it? | 1.4203 | 0.03603 | 345 | 235 | 75 | 35 |
255 | 'The lady in the front, yes, you under the blanket. Where are you from?' | 1.4200 | 0.03161 | 400 | 263 | 106 | 31 |
256 | Let me tell you about my wife. | 1.4198 | 0.03094 | 405 | 264 | 112 | 29 |
257 | Thank you for coming tonight … if I'm not being too presumptive. | 1.4195 | 0.03649 | 348 | 240 | 70 | 38 |
258 | What makes you think I want your attention | 1.4190 | 0.03487 | 327 | 215 | 87 | 25 |
259 | Walter was always told to work on his performance in bed | 1.4185 | 0.03498 | 356 | 241 | 81 | 34 |
260 | What was off, my timing? | 1.4185 | 0.03237 | 368 | 240 | 102 | 26 |
261 | The therapist said we needed a new routine. | 1.4184 | 0.03245 | 392 | 261 | 98 | 33 |
262 | We both agreed to try a new routine. | 1.4179 | 0.03295 | 335 | 215 | 100 | 20 |
263 | My therapist told me I should stand up for myself | 1.4176 | 0.03444 | 340 | 225 | 88 | 27 |
264 | Thank you. I'm here for the rest of your life. | 1.4175 | 0.03348 | 388 | 263 | 88 | 37 |
265 | "C'mon honey, it's my birthday. You promised once a year!" | 1.4173 | 0.03352 | 381 | 257 | 89 | 35 |
266 | Am I misreading the situation or does this mean no second date? | 1.4171 | 0.03343 | 362 | 240 | 93 | 29 |
267 | I remember when you used to laugh at me in bed. | 1.4171 | 0.03210 | 398 | 265 | 100 | 33 |
268 | I see I've lost some of the audience. | 1.4169 | 0.03397 | 343 | 226 | 91 | 26 |
269 | Tough audience here tonight! | 1.4167 | 0.03338 | 348 | 228 | 95 | 25 |
270 | I'm sorry your husand couldn't make it tonight. | 1.4167 | 0.03535 | 324 | 215 | 83 | 26 |
271 | Thank you for coming tonight. | 1.4164 | 0.03701 | 293 | 194 | 76 | 23 |
272 | And now, one for the lonely, the lovelorn, the very, very tired. | 1.4162 | 0.03250 | 358 | 233 | 101 | 24 |
273 | So, who here’s married? | 1.4160 | 0.03532 | 351 | 239 | 78 | 34 |
274 | And I used to think someone in the audience on their cell phone was the ultimate insult. | 1.4154 | 0.03464 | 337 | 224 | 86 | 27 |
275 | Did you hear the one about the woman who mistook her husband for a book? | 1.4154 | 0.03564 | 337 | 228 | 78 | 31 |
276 | I thought our "evenings of shared passions" would go differently. | 1.4151 | 0.03262 | 371 | 245 | 98 | 28 |
277 | Any married people here tonight? | 1.4147 | 0.03416 | 340 | 225 | 89 | 26 |
278 | Hostile crowd, I see. | 1.4146 | 0.03596 | 316 | 211 | 79 | 26 |
279 | What's the deal with foreplay? | 1.4144 | 0.03331 | 374 | 251 | 91 | 32 |
280 | Let's have a big hand for my lovely wife Madeline, who's in the audience tonight. | 1.4142 | 0.03175 | 437 | 299 | 95 | 43 |
281 | And they say introverts and extroverts can’t date | 1.4137 | 0.03149 | 394 | 260 | 105 | 29 |
282 | I'm Dan Danny, the opening act for your husband. He'll be here to perform for you later. | 1.4135 | 0.03482 | 312 | 204 | 87 | 21 |
283 | Thank you, thank you. It's great to be back here in the master bedroom. How we all doing " | 1.4130 | 0.03655 | 322 | 219 | 73 | 30 |
284 | Does this meet your definition of performing better in bed? | 1.4128 | 0.03392 | 390 | 269 | 81 | 40 |
285 | What we have here is a failure to communicate. | 1.4128 | 0.03234 | 344 | 222 | 102 | 20 |
286 | Ohhhh, your fantasy was Mike and I, not me and a mic. | 1.4125 | 0.03611 | 337 | 231 | 73 | 33 |
287 | ‘Alan, you’re sleep talking again’ | 1.4125 | 0.03537 | 337 | 228 | 79 | 30 |
288 | Line? | 1.4123 | 0.03482 | 308 | 201 | 87 | 20 |
289 | Marriage is a funny thing. Anybody here married? | 1.4119 | 0.03633 | 318 | 215 | 75 | 28 |
290 | Divorce me if you’ve heard this one before… | 1.4116 | 0.03316 | 362 | 241 | 93 | 28 |
291 | Remember when all you wanted was a stand up guy? | 1.4110 | 0.03342 | 365 | 245 | 90 | 30 |
292 | Is it better if I try a different position? | 1.4109 | 0.03290 | 387 | 262 | 91 | 34 |
293 | The name implies I can't do this lying down | 1.4108 | 0.03494 | 314 | 207 | 85 | 22 |
294 | Let me know if you have heard this one before. A woman invites a man she met at a comedy club to spend the night... | 1.4107 | 0.03714 | 280 | 185 | 75 | 20 |
295 | I see I have a laid back crowd here tonight! | 1.4107 | 0.03428 | 319 | 209 | 89 | 21 |
296 | This next comedian is ALSO sorry he forgot our anniversary. | 1.4106 | 0.04132 | 263 | 182 | 54 | 27 |
297 | Just so you know, that voice in your head while you read? It’s been me this whole time. | 1.4097 | 0.03400 | 349 | 234 | 87 | 28 |
298 | It seems we have totally different ideas of what it means to "lounge" around in bed. | 1.4085 | 0.03555 | 306 | 203 | 81 | 22 |
299 | That is SO not what I meant by "oral." | 1.4083 | 0.03658 | 360 | 256 | 61 | 43 |
300 | Why do you say I make a joke out of everything? | 1.4082 | 0.03490 | 343 | 233 | 80 | 30 |
301 | Carol, you said you want to separate, but would you consider telling me if I have any habits that annoy you? | 1.4077 | 0.03812 | 287 | 195 | 67 | 25 |
302 | Not another one night standup. | 1.4071 | 0.03287 | 366 | 245 | 93 | 28 |
303 | How about the weather we’ve been having for the past five months? Frigid, I’d say, definitely frigid. | 1.4069 | 0.03418 | 376 | 260 | 79 | 37 |
304 | Thanks, I'll be here 7 nights a week. | 1.4068 | 0.03268 | 354 | 234 | 96 | 24 |
305 | I'll be here all week. I live here. | 1.4062 | 0.03280 | 352 | 233 | 95 | 24 |
306 | I thought you said ‘one mic stand’ | 1.4046 | 0.03677 | 346 | 245 | 62 | 39 |
307 | Well, looks like this will be another one-night stand. | 1.4043 | 0.03719 | 329 | 231 | 63 | 35 |
308 | Susan? Susan? Is this thing on? | 1.4035 | 0.03505 | 347 | 239 | 76 | 32 |
309 | How about reading the room? | 1.4034 | 0.03480 | 357 | 247 | 76 | 34 |
310 | I planned a 30 minute set, but knowing me it’ll probably only last 5. | 1.4033 | 0.03345 | 367 | 250 | 86 | 31 |
311 | I’d like to dedicate this next tune to my wife—she’d kill me if she knew where I am tonight. | 1.4029 | 0.03315 | 350 | 234 | 91 | 25 |
312 | My name is Jack and I've been celibate for three years. | 1.4019 | 0.03668 | 316 | 218 | 69 | 29 |
313 | I always thought I was good in bed - but this is a tough audience. | 1.4017 | 0.03487 | 346 | 238 | 77 | 31 |
314 | Try visualizing the characters, Dawn. I’m just the narrator. | 1.4012 | 0.03576 | 324 | 222 | 74 | 28 |
315 | I thought you wanted a stand-up guy. | 1.4011 | 0.03393 | 349 | 237 | 84 | 28 |
316 | Couldn't you at least heckle me? | 1.4000 | 0.03440 | 335 | 227 | 82 | 26 |
317 | Anyone here married, in need of attention? | 1.4000 | 0.03486 | 310 | 207 | 82 | 21 |
318 | Thank you for staying home tonight | 1.3994 | 0.03325 | 348 | 234 | 89 | 25 |
319 | You told me you were looking for a stand-up guy. | 1.3994 | 0.03408 | 343 | 233 | 83 | 27 |
320 | But enough about my wife… | 1.3994 | 0.03664 | 313 | 216 | 69 | 28 |
321 | This next one goes out to my #1 fan | 1.3981 | 0.03547 | 324 | 222 | 75 | 27 |
322 | Do we have anyone who is happily married in the audience? | 1.3977 | 0.03511 | 352 | 246 | 72 | 34 |
323 | I'm dying up here. Not even a heckle ??? | 1.3974 | 0.03438 | 312 | 208 | 84 | 20 |
324 | Don’t complain about how I perform in bed. | 1.3969 | 0.03538 | 325 | 223 | 75 | 27 |
325 | I miss your heckling. | 1.3966 | 0.03539 | 295 | 197 | 79 | 19 |
326 | Can I at least get a heckle? | 1.3966 | 0.03372 | 295 | 192 | 89 | 14 |
327 | You’ve been a great audience, and I’ll be here every night for the next sixty years. | 1.3965 | 0.03145 | 396 | 269 | 97 | 30 |
328 | You said you wanted to add some variety to our bedroom routine. | 1.3952 | 0.03495 | 334 | 230 | 76 | 28 |
329 | I thought you said you wanted to try roleplay in bed? I've just always wanted to try being a comedian. | 1.3951 | 0.03479 | 329 | 225 | 78 | 26 |
330 | But you used to love my monologue. | 1.3946 | 0.03307 | 294 | 190 | 92 | 12 |
331 | ...and last but not least, I want to thank Maggie, my wife, for cleaning up the dishes and taking care of the kids. | 1.3940 | 0.03543 | 302 | 204 | 77 | 21 |
332 | When I said I was looking for a one night stand, THIS wasn't it. | 1.3939 | 0.03497 | 363 | 257 | 69 | 37 |
333 | Did I ever tell you about the one where the husband is always feeling ignored. | 1.3938 | 0.03785 | 292 | 203 | 63 | 26 |
334 | Fine! Maybe that's not what you meant when you asked for 'oral', but it looks like you're still getting your happy ending. | 1.3934 | 0.03579 | 305 | 208 | 74 | 23 |
335 | Can you hear me in the back everyone? | 1.3926 | 0.03718 | 270 | 182 | 70 | 18 |
336 | Anyone else here really miss travelling for work? | 1.3925 | 0.03774 | 293 | 204 | 63 | 26 |
337 | Maybe I should try imagining the audience naked 💭 | 1.3924 | 0.03445 | 344 | 238 | 77 | 29 |
338 | When you said yes to a one night stand this isn't what it I had in mind. | 1.3918 | 0.03497 | 319 | 218 | 77 | 24 |
339 | I liked it better when you heckled me. | 1.3918 | 0.03504 | 268 | 175 | 81 | 12 |
340 | The doctor said I need to develop a sleep routine. | 1.3916 | 0.03515 | 309 | 210 | 77 | 22 |
341 | I’m disappointed that my wife couldn’t be here tonight.” | 1.3905 | 0.03821 | 274 | 189 | 63 | 22 |
342 | If you would also likeTo ignore me in the car, be sure to subscribe to my podcast | 1.3902 | 0.03828 | 287 | 201 | 60 | 26 |
343 | Ok, ok…no more wife jokes. | 1.3898 | 0.03564 | 295 | 200 | 75 | 20 |
344 | "Is anyone here in a relationship...? Anyone?... Anyone | 1.3891 | 0.03740 | 293 | 204 | 64 | 25 |
345 | It was more fun when you heckled me. | 1.3887 | 0.03451 | 301 | 202 | 81 | 18 |
346 | Take indifference, would anyone here care to weigh in? | 1.3887 | 0.03451 | 301 | 202 | 81 | 18 |
347 | Due to unpopular demand, this will be my final performance. | 1.3887 | 0.04030 | 247 | 171 | 56 | 20 |
348 | I would lie down with you, but I'm a stand-up comedian. | 1.3882 | 0.03568 | 340 | 241 | 66 | 33 |
349 | Thank you very much. I’ll be here all marriage. | 1.3881 | 0.03207 | 353 | 238 | 93 | 22 |
350 | I have a big repertoire, but sorry I don’t know’Shut Up And Go To Sleep.’ | 1.3877 | 0.03867 | 276 | 193 | 59 | 24 |
351 | I’d like to open with a little number on contrition, regret and absolution. | 1.3876 | 0.03790 | 258 | 175 | 66 | 17 |
352 | Take my wife—please! Hey, is this thing on? | 1.3858 | 0.03453 | 324 | 223 | 77 | 24 |
353 | In therapy you said you wanted me to stand up for you. | 1.3853 | 0.03512 | 327 | 228 | 72 | 27 |
354 | So lately I feel like my wife's books are replacing me, we aren't on the same page anymore. | 1.3846 | 0.03514 | 312 | 215 | 74 | 23 |
355 | His performance in bed had became routine. | 1.3841 | 0.03863 | 276 | 194 | 58 | 24 |
356 | The only time I can get a woman to laugh at me is in the bedroom. | 1.3833 | 0.03591 | 287 | 196 | 72 | 19 |
357 | A woman and a stand-up get into bed-- stop me if you've heard this one. | 1.3830 | 0.03634 | 282 | 193 | 70 | 19 |
358 | Take my wife's pajamas, please. | 1.3830 | 0.03599 | 282 | 192 | 72 | 18 |
359 | I’ll tell ya, my wife and I just don’t think alike. She thinks foreplay is reading a good book, I think it’s a standup act. | 1.3830 | 0.03634 | 282 | 193 | 70 | 19 |
360 | Its a quarter to three. There's no one in the joint except you and me. | 1.3826 | 0.03563 | 298 | 205 | 72 | 21 |
361 | Looks like we’re both having a quiet night | 1.3825 | 0.03772 | 251 | 170 | 66 | 15 |
362 | May I have your attention? | 1.3818 | 0.03181 | 330 | 220 | 94 | 16 |
363 | Does it look like I’m joking? | 1.3818 | 0.03767 | 275 | 191 | 63 | 21 |
364 | Anyone here from out of town? | 1.3817 | 0.03530 | 317 | 221 | 71 | 25 |
365 | I promise, after tonight to seek a better work/life balance. | 1.3817 | 0.03744 | 262 | 179 | 66 | 17 |
366 | Truthfully, do you think I'm underperforming? | 1.3811 | 0.03364 | 328 | 225 | 81 | 22 |
367 | Any requests before they turn off the lights? | 1.3804 | 0.03613 | 276 | 188 | 71 | 17 |
368 | Well, this is awkward, folks...most of my material is about my wife... | 1.3802 | 0.03701 | 313 | 224 | 59 | 30 |
369 | I'm Home! | 1.3801 | 0.03767 | 271 | 188 | 63 | 20 |
370 | We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty” | 1.3798 | 0.03659 | 258 | 174 | 70 | 14 |
371 | Who here has trouble communicating with their wife? | 1.3787 | 0.03967 | 272 | 195 | 51 | 26 |
372 | Tough audience. | 1.3786 | 0.03646 | 280 | 193 | 68 | 19 |
373 | HELLOOOOOO Connecticut! So nice to be here. | 1.3782 | 0.03832 | 275 | 194 | 58 | 23 |
374 | I see you have a problem with my new bedtime routine. | 1.3778 | 0.03399 | 352 | 249 | 73 | 30 |
375 | 'I decided to perform in bed tonight. | 1.3774 | 0.03906 | 257 | 180 | 57 | 20 |
376 | Can you at least heckle a bit? | 1.3771 | 0.03335 | 297 | 199 | 84 | 14 |
377 | I've been heckled before, but nothing like this. | 1.3766 | 0.03321 | 308 | 208 | 84 | 16 |
378 | What's a nice girl like you reading in a place like this? | 1.3763 | 0.03749 | 287 | 203 | 60 | 24 |
379 | Heckle me, you vixen. | 1.3760 | 0.03736 | 258 | 177 | 65 | 16 |
380 | Is this not the type of performance you wanted that we were talking about before? | 1.3758 | 0.03671 | 306 | 218 | 61 | 27 |
381 | I'm sorry that I said "Take my wife, please" | 1.3750 | 0.04083 | 248 | 177 | 49 | 22 |
382 | Tough audience. Well, that's it for me - I'll be here all week . . . hopefully. | 1.3750 | 0.03474 | 296 | 203 | 75 | 18 |
383 | You've been a great audience, Pam, I'll be here all week. Don't forget to tip the guy who works all day and would like a home cooked meal now and again. | 1.3750 | 0.04136 | 296 | 225 | 31 | 40 |
384 | You knew going in that I was a stand-up guy. | 1.3750 | 0.03878 | 248 | 172 | 59 | 17 |
385 | Follow my dreams, you said. | 1.3750 | 0.03832 | 240 | 164 | 62 | 14 |
386 | Any married couples here tonight | 1.3746 | 0.03422 | 315 | 218 | 76 | 21 |
387 | It’s ok, dear. You can just make me laugh the regular way. | 1.3746 | 0.03482 | 299 | 206 | 74 | 19 |
388 | If you’ve missed the show, I’ll still be here tomorrow night. | 1.3745 | 0.03491 | 267 | 179 | 76 | 12 |
389 | Am I just another one-night stand-up to you? | 1.3745 | 0.03843 | 259 | 181 | 59 | 19 |
390 | In keep with our Festivus traditions, the airing of grievances will now commence. | 1.3740 | 0.03814 | 254 | 176 | 61 | 17 |
391 | My wife couldn’t make it tonight, she’s at home pretending like she can’t hear me. | 1.3736 | 0.03740 | 273 | 191 | 62 | 20 |
392 | This next hour of begging is made possible by viewers like you. | 1.3729 | 0.03673 | 295 | 209 | 62 | 24 |
393 | Ok, we've dimmed the lights, made ourselves drinks, I've serenaded you with love songs; what does that damn sex manual say to do next? | 1.3727 | 0.04039 | 271 | 198 | 45 | 28 |
394 | So, a man walks into a bedroom. | 1.3726 | 0.03644 | 263 | 180 | 68 | 15 |
395 | I also do audio books. | 1.3725 | 0.03356 | 298 | 202 | 81 | 15 |
396 | You said we could talk after that last chapter! | 1.3723 | 0.04023 | 231 | 161 | 54 | 16 |
397 | But seriously, our sex life is no joke. | 1.3708 | 0.03605 | 267 | 183 | 69 | 15 |
398 | Recently I decided to shake up my nighttime routine. | 1.3707 | 0.03278 | 294 | 197 | 85 | 12 |
399 | With Jim, it was always the same bedtime routine. | 1.3707 | 0.03799 | 259 | 181 | 60 | 18 |
400 | I see we have a heckler. | 1.3701 | 0.03556 | 281 | 194 | 70 | 17 |
401 | Something tells me I read the room wrong. | 1.3701 | 0.03484 | 281 | 192 | 74 | 15 |
402 | I know you're enjoying this. You keep losing your place. | 1.3699 | 0.03977 | 246 | 174 | 53 | 19 |
403 | It's always a pleasure to be with my hometown audience. | 1.3695 | 0.03508 | 295 | 205 | 71 | 19 |
404 | My agent warned me that this could be a tough venue. | 1.3688 | 0.03754 | 282 | 201 | 58 | 23 |
405 | She couldn’t ignore him forever, she thought to herself. | 1.3686 | 0.03913 | 236 | 164 | 57 | 15 |
406 | ‘Anyone here a reader? … Anyone like to read?’ | 1.3682 | 0.03658 | 296 | 211 | 61 | 24 |
407 | What did you think I meant by "six good minutes?" | 1.3682 | 0.03969 | 277 | 203 | 46 | 28 |
408 | But seriously, folks, take my wife's book, please! | 1.3681 | 0.03530 | 288 | 200 | 70 | 18 |
409 | Where are my pajamas ? | 1.3680 | 0.03772 | 269 | 190 | 59 | 20 |
410 | I’d like to observe a moment of silence for the passing of our sex life. | 1.3677 | 0.04307 | 223 | 161 | 42 | 20 |
411 | I will never be able to compete with Jane Austen! | 1.3672 | 0.03520 | 305 | 215 | 68 | 22 |
412 | And, for my next number: Strangers in the Night. | 1.3672 | 0.03576 | 256 | 174 | 70 | 12 |
413 | Our next comic needs no introduction. | 1.3668 | 0.03591 | 259 | 177 | 69 | 13 |
414 | Did you hear the one about the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac? She stays up all night wondering if there really is a dog. | 1.3664 | 0.03627 | 292 | 207 | 63 | 22 |
415 | I’ve played some tough crowds, but…. | 1.3659 | 0.03844 | 246 | 172 | 58 | 16 |
416 | Thanks folks, I'll be here all night. | 1.3652 | 0.03358 | 282 | 191 | 79 | 12 |
417 | This is a different kind of one night stand | 1.3652 | 0.03775 | 293 | 213 | 53 | 27 |
418 | You’re supposed to say “how bored is she?” | 1.3647 | 0.03750 | 255 | 178 | 61 | 16 |
419 | You don’t come here often. | 1.3646 | 0.04507 | 192 | 137 | 40 | 15 |
420 | Hi, honey, I’m home! | 1.3644 | 0.03861 | 236 | 164 | 58 | 14 |
421 | Passive, meet aggressive. | 1.3641 | 0.04312 | 184 | 127 | 47 | 10 |
422 | I forgot, is this my bedroom fantasy or yours? | 1.3633 | 0.03573 | 278 | 194 | 67 | 17 |
423 | I'd have thought that my shoes on the bed would have captured your attention | 1.3632 | 0.04199 | 234 | 170 | 43 | 21 |
424 | So thanks for coming. I'll be here all week. | 1.3629 | 0.03939 | 237 | 167 | 54 | 16 |
425 | In hindsight, I can see this isn’t what you meant by a new bedroom set | 1.3623 | 0.04272 | 207 | 147 | 45 | 15 |
426 | Well, folks, it looks like I've got a tough audience tonight. | 1.3621 | 0.03577 | 301 | 215 | 63 | 23 |
427 | How far do you intend to go? I'm only booked until 11:30. | 1.3621 | 0.03854 | 232 | 161 | 58 | 13 |
428 | You never liked my bedtime routine | 1.3619 | 0.03774 | 268 | 191 | 57 | 20 |
429 | Are you lonesome tonight? | 1.3618 | 0.04332 | 199 | 141 | 44 | 14 |
430 | It's a quarter to three. There's no one in the place 'cept you and me. Make it one for my baby, and one for the road. | 1.3617 | 0.03820 | 235 | 163 | 59 | 13 |
431 | When I get nervous, I picture you in clothing. | 1.3615 | 0.04115 | 260 | 193 | 40 | 27 |
432 | So that’s what you meant by booking me for tonight? | 1.3615 | 0.04343 | 213 | 154 | 41 | 18 |
433 | Man walks into a bedroom and says, hey is this bed taken? | 1.3615 | 0.04080 | 213 | 149 | 51 | 13 |
434 | Not even a heckle? | 1.3613 | 0.03454 | 274 | 188 | 73 | 13 |
435 | A funny thing happened to me on the way to your bedroom. | 1.3609 | 0.04065 | 230 | 164 | 49 | 17 |
436 | Hello, my name is John and I'm an alcoholic. | 1.3605 | 0.03834 | 258 | 184 | 55 | 19 |
437 | My last gig was an all-nighter. | 1.3602 | 0.03295 | 322 | 225 | 78 | 19 |
438 | You’re not helping my performance anxiety. | 1.3600 | 0.03878 | 250 | 178 | 54 | 18 |
439 | Lady, I've been heckled by some tough crowds, but this is a new low for me. | 1.3593 | 0.03811 | 231 | 160 | 59 | 12 |
440 | Then there's my wife...she's a real doozey...I came home and found her in bed with another book! | 1.3590 | 0.03721 | 273 | 195 | 58 | 20 |
441 | She said she was looking for a 'stand up guy,' but evidently I'm not what she meant. You can't trust a comparative lit major, am I right, folks? | 1.3585 | 0.03722 | 265 | 188 | 59 | 18 |
442 | Faulkner? No, I get it. Who's funnier than Faulkner? | 1.3577 | 0.04043 | 246 | 179 | 46 | 21 |
443 | I’ll mute my mic if you dim your light, dear. | 1.3568 | 0.04237 | 227 | 166 | 41 | 20 |
444 | With my wife i don't get no respect, I told her she should read more, she picked up a copy "Getting Divorced for Dummies" | 1.3566 | 0.03766 | 286 | 209 | 52 | 25 |
445 | Wait, did you say “stand up night” or “one night stand?” | 1.3565 | 0.04086 | 216 | 153 | 49 | 14 |
446 | Marriage is hard - each night I feel like I am auditioning all over again. | 1.3556 | 0.03889 | 270 | 198 | 48 | 24 |
447 | Thank you for coming to my Bed Talk. | 1.3553 | 0.04129 | 228 | 165 | 45 | 18 |
448 | But seriously, another headache? | 1.3552 | 0.03816 | 259 | 186 | 54 | 19 |
449 | Oh yes, I have a wife. She's at every performance. | 1.3550 | 0.03747 | 262 | 187 | 57 | 18 |
450 | Really, hon? Not even a heckle? | 1.3548 | 0.03965 | 217 | 152 | 53 | 12 |
451 | This next little number is called 'Remember that thing you said that one time?' | 1.3544 | 0.03493 | 237 | 160 | 70 | 7 |
452 | As Tom's best man, I'd like to propose a toast to the most desirable widow I've ever known. | 1.3525 | 0.03846 | 244 | 174 | 54 | 16 |
453 | You've been a great audience. I'll be here for two weeks . . . | 1.3522 | 0.03909 | 230 | 163 | 53 | 14 |
454 | Joe realizes his wife might be right, his performance in bed is a joke. | 1.3520 | 0.03539 | 304 | 220 | 61 | 23 |
455 | Doris dear, I have an announcement to make. | 1.3519 | 0.03969 | 233 | 167 | 50 | 16 |
456 | I'm here for my audition | 1.3519 | 0.03826 | 233 | 164 | 56 | 13 |
457 | May I book some time with you between chapters? | 1.3516 | 0.03552 | 256 | 178 | 66 | 12 |
458 | So I guess this isn’t open thighs night..? | 1.3514 | 0.04668 | 185 | 136 | 33 | 16 |
459 | It was a dark and stormy night. | 1.3512 | 0.04227 | 205 | 147 | 44 | 14 |
460 | Will she finish it tonight? Too close to call. | 1.3510 | 0.03654 | 245 | 171 | 62 | 12 |
461 | You have your routine, Pamela, and I have mine. | 1.3508 | 0.04313 | 191 | 136 | 43 | 12 |
462 | If somebody here owns a white Prius, you left your headlights on. | 1.3507 | 0.04143 | 211 | 151 | 46 | 14 |
463 | Hey, you said you wanted a stand-up guy! | 1.3506 | 0.03564 | 308 | 225 | 58 | 25 |
464 | I can't believe I have to open for the mailman. | 1.3503 | 0.04543 | 177 | 127 | 38 | 12 |
465 | This is tough crowd tonight. | 1.3503 | 0.04098 | 197 | 138 | 49 | 10 |
466 | So, a sheep and a sheep counter walk into a bar... | 1.3500 | 0.03389 | 280 | 195 | 72 | 13 |
467 | Is this marriage on? | 1.3500 | 0.04238 | 200 | 143 | 44 | 13 |
468 | You said you wanted oral sex | 1.3500 | 0.04525 | 200 | 148 | 34 | 18 |
469 | But seriously, folk. | 1.3494 | 0.03701 | 249 | 176 | 59 | 14 |
470 | So glad it’s a book not your phone, but I still need your attention. | 1.3491 | 0.04127 | 212 | 152 | 46 | 14 |
471 | That's funny, usually the brick wall is behind me. | 1.3490 | 0.03685 | 255 | 181 | 59 | 15 |
472 | Honey, a funny thing happened on my way to the bathroom. | 1.3490 | 0.03600 | 255 | 179 | 63 | 13 |
473 | My wife and I have Olympic sex. Once every four years. | 1.3485 | 0.03917 | 241 | 174 | 50 | 17 |
474 | Anyone here from the dining room? | 1.3485 | 0.03960 | 241 | 175 | 48 | 18 |
475 | I’m sorry, but lie down comedy isn’t really a thing. | 1.3482 | 0.03719 | 247 | 175 | 58 | 14 |
476 | Come on. Turn the audio back on. | 1.3472 | 0.03249 | 288 | 199 | 78 | 11 |
477 | My name is Ed, and I'm an alcoholic. | 1.3471 | 0.03859 | 242 | 174 | 52 | 16 |
478 | My next number goes out to unhappy men everywhere | 1.3471 | 0.03534 | 242 | 167 | 66 | 9 |
479 | Let me know if I’m boring you. | 1.3467 | 0.03699 | 225 | 156 | 60 | 9 |
480 | How was I? | 1.3465 | 0.03873 | 228 | 162 | 53 | 13 |
481 | I'm starting to think you're more introverted than me. | 1.3465 | 0.03605 | 254 | 179 | 62 | 13 |
482 | Newest version of audio books | 1.3460 | 0.03644 | 263 | 188 | 59 | 16 |
483 | Honey, you haven't heckled me in weeks | 1.3455 | 0.03813 | 246 | 177 | 53 | 16 |
484 | Am I interrupting you? | 1.3454 | 0.04065 | 194 | 136 | 49 | 9 |
485 | My sex life is a joke. | 1.3453 | 0.03877 | 223 | 158 | 53 | 12 |
486 | And then I close it with: Many thanks to my wife who endured all those rehearsals with as much support as I had tonight. | 1.3452 | 0.03792 | 252 | 182 | 53 | 17 |
487 | Well I see that our time is about up | 1.3452 | 0.04088 | 197 | 139 | 48 | 10 |
488 | Hey lady, do you always bring a book to a comedy club? | 1.3451 | 0.04042 | 226 | 164 | 46 | 16 |
489 | And they say doctors struggle with bedside manner. | 1.3450 | 0.04288 | 200 | 145 | 41 | 14 |
490 | Any married ladies in the audience who think they could have done better? | 1.3445 | 0.04033 | 238 | 175 | 44 | 19 |
491 | I don’t know, I think I need to stop bringing my work home with me? You know? | 1.3441 | 0.03800 | 247 | 178 | 53 | 16 |
492 | I thought we could relive the best part of our wedding night: my speech. | 1.3439 | 0.04103 | 221 | 161 | 44 | 16 |
493 | As unaccustomed as I am to public speaking in bed... | 1.3438 | 0.03863 | 224 | 159 | 53 | 12 |
494 | I know you’re out there. I can hear you breathing. | 1.3438 | 0.04022 | 192 | 134 | 50 | 8 |
495 | Mr. Maisel still thinking he can do it better | 1.3438 | 0.04347 | 192 | 139 | 40 | 13 |
496 | Anyone else here married? I’ve been married so long my wife expects me to do my whole routine before bed. | 1.3436 | 0.04422 | 195 | 143 | 37 | 15 |
497 | I'm here every Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday." | 1.3430 | 0.03983 | 242 | 178 | 45 | 19 |
498 | For my next trick, I'm going to take my pants off over my head. | 1.3429 | 0.04142 | 210 | 152 | 44 | 14 |
499 | Tonight we continue Janet’s internal monologue of self-doubt that precludes her ability to enjoy simple pleasures such as reading a novel, or sleeping soundly. This evening’s topic: why Janet’s desire to be left alone is prohibiting meaningful relationships. | 1.3423 | 0.04137 | 222 | 163 | 42 | 17 |
500 | Get ready…she’ll turn the page…any moment now… | 1.3412 | 0.03755 | 255 | 185 | 53 | 17 |
501 | I'm here all night. | 1.3408 | 0.03816 | 223 | 158 | 54 | 11 |
502 | I never complain when you do work in bed. | 1.3408 | 0.03816 | 223 | 158 | 54 | 11 |
503 | Performance in bed has always been my biggest challenge. | 1.3401 | 0.03750 | 247 | 178 | 54 | 15 |
504 | Warmed up yet? | 1.3399 | 0.04177 | 203 | 147 | 43 | 13 |
505 | I need a new agent. | 1.3395 | 0.04123 | 215 | 157 | 43 | 15 |
506 | Honey, I'm running out of ways to get your attention. | 1.3394 | 0.04135 | 218 | 160 | 42 | 16 |
507 | I hope I passed the audition. | 1.3394 | 0.03942 | 221 | 159 | 49 | 13 |
508 | I’m dying up here. Can I at least get a rim shot? | 1.3389 | 0.03644 | 239 | 169 | 59 | 11 |
509 | Do we have anyone from out-of-town in the bed? | 1.3388 | 0.03633 | 245 | 174 | 59 | 12 |
510 | Thank you. I'll be here all week. | 1.3387 | 0.03781 | 248 | 180 | 52 | 16 |
511 | What does the book say to do after the pillow talk? | 1.3385 | 0.04338 | 192 | 140 | 39 | 13 |
512 | That's it for tonight....You've been a great audience.... | 1.3384 | 0.04124 | 198 | 142 | 45 | 11 |
513 | Look Marian, you relax before bed in your way and I’ll relax in mine. | 1.3384 | 0.04306 | 198 | 145 | 39 | 14 |
514 | I asked for a hot Mike, not an open one. | 1.3383 | 0.04202 | 201 | 146 | 42 | 13 |
515 | My wife's idea of foreplay is to read a book while I tell jokes about my wife's idea of foreplay. | 1.3382 | 0.04340 | 207 | 154 | 36 | 17 |
516 | Too bad you can't read a room. | 1.3382 | 0.04061 | 207 | 149 | 46 | 12 |
517 | Ok, this time I’d rather you just fake it. | 1.3380 | 0.04210 | 216 | 160 | 39 | 17 |
518 | 'It's Melville or me dear." | 1.3379 | 0.03856 | 219 | 156 | 52 | 11 |
519 | 'For the second time tonight, is this thing turned on?' | 1.3377 | 0.03956 | 228 | 166 | 47 | 15 |
520 | I liked the honeymoon stage better. | 1.3377 | 0.03956 | 228 | 166 | 47 | 15 |
521 | Is anyone’s husband coming home from out of town? | 1.3374 | 0.03962 | 243 | 180 | 44 | 19 |
522 | Your husband said it’s open mic night. I’m Mike. | 1.3374 | 0.04541 | 163 | 117 | 37 | 9 |
523 | This one's for you, Betty... Are you lonesome tonight? | 1.3373 | 0.03725 | 249 | 180 | 54 | 15 |
524 | Now, let's bring up tonight's headliner: my divorce lawyer. | 1.3368 | 0.04103 | 190 | 135 | 46 | 9 |
525 | That's my time. You've been a frigid audience. | 1.3368 | 0.04192 | 193 | 139 | 43 | 11 |
526 | It's great to be back here in my own bedroom. | 1.3365 | 0.03892 | 211 | 150 | 51 | 10 |
527 | Looks like I've got a tough audience tonight. | 1.3362 | 0.03843 | 229 | 165 | 51 | 13 |
528 | I'm working hard to save this marriage, and you're hardly working. | 1.3362 | 0.04138 | 232 | 174 | 38 | 20 |
529 | Tonight I have new material, I promise. | 1.3362 | 0.03872 | 235 | 171 | 49 | 15 |
530 | So have you heard the one about the wife who didn't give a damn? | 1.3361 | 0.03745 | 238 | 171 | 54 | 13 |
531 | I'm dying up here. | 1.3361 | 0.03806 | 241 | 175 | 51 | 15 |
532 | You were the one who told me to find a captive audience | 1.3357 | 0.03427 | 277 | 198 | 65 | 14 |
533 | My wife says I make her laugh in bed. | 1.3351 | 0.04085 | 191 | 136 | 46 | 9 |
534 | This one's for all the lonely bookworms out there. | 1.3350 | 0.04315 | 197 | 145 | 38 | 14 |
535 | Are there any happy couples in the audience? | 1.3350 | 0.04283 | 203 | 150 | 38 | 15 |
536 | According to the actuarial tables, I'll be here every night until 2045. | 1.3349 | 0.03934 | 212 | 152 | 49 | 11 |
537 | I’ll be here every night. | 1.3348 | 0.03773 | 221 | 157 | 54 | 10 |
538 | Thanks to all those who stuck around for my final set! | 1.3348 | 0.03913 | 227 | 165 | 48 | 14 |
539 | And now, the winner of the Cold Shoulder award, my wife! | 1.3347 | 0.03858 | 236 | 172 | 49 | 15 |
540 | Strange, you heckle me anytime I do anything else for you in bed. | 1.3347 | 0.03654 | 242 | 173 | 57 | 12 |
541 | My wife is so ugly".....I know this is practice, but you're supposed to say "how ugly is she? | 1.3333 | 0.03912 | 243 | 180 | 45 | 18 |
542 | Say goodnight, Gracie. | 1.3333 | 0.04030 | 213 | 155 | 45 | 13 |
543 | The rules about reading in bed are going to change now that I'm Speaker of the House | 1.3333 | 0.04467 | 171 | 124 | 37 | 10 |
544 | There'll be a second show at eleven, so stick around. | 1.3333 | 0.04457 | 180 | 132 | 36 | 12 |
545 | So folks, my wife likes to read between my lines. | 1.3333 | 0.04563 | 174 | 128 | 34 | 12 |
546 | . . . she's rounded the final chapter and is barreling through the epilogue! | 1.3319 | 0.03784 | 238 | 173 | 51 | 14 |
547 | So I said to my wife, “is this thing on?” 🎤 | 1.3319 | 0.03592 | 238 | 169 | 59 | 10 |
548 | I thought you booked me | 1.3319 | 0.03671 | 235 | 168 | 56 | 11 |
549 | And we lived happily ever after. Separately. | 1.3318 | 0.03997 | 211 | 153 | 46 | 12 |
550 | I was told the booking would be an "intimate audience experience" but I didn't expect this! | 1.3317 | 0.04075 | 205 | 149 | 44 | 12 |
551 | Hey, you booked me | 1.3315 | 0.04178 | 184 | 132 | 43 | 9 |
552 | Anyone out there in a relationship? | 1.3315 | 0.04223 | 181 | 130 | 42 | 9 |
553 | I’ll do my bedtime routine. | 1.3315 | 0.04119 | 178 | 126 | 45 | 7 |
554 | Is my routine interfering with yours? | 1.3314 | 0.03912 | 169 | 116 | 50 | 3 |
555 | Hey, sorry if I'm keeping you awake out there. | 1.3306 | 0.03353 | 248 | 173 | 68 | 7 |
556 | Look, the heckling I can take, but reading a book of jokes? | 1.3305 | 0.03628 | 239 | 171 | 57 | 11 |
557 | I’m just a man, standing in front of a woman, asking her to laugh at his jokes. | 1.3303 | 0.04014 | 218 | 160 | 44 | 14 |
558 | Speaking of sex...Is there anybody in the audience tonight who is in the mood for some? | 1.3302 | 0.04146 | 212 | 157 | 40 | 15 |
559 | - Has it ever happened to you? You're in bed, you're trying to read your novel but the person next to you has other plans... | 1.3301 | 0.03961 | 209 | 151 | 47 | 11 |
560 | I am leaving you for someone who is not in a book club. | 1.3297 | 0.04229 | 185 | 134 | 41 | 10 |
561 | Take my wife . . . . Please. | 1.3294 | 0.04703 | 170 | 127 | 30 | 13 |
562 | You're the one who asked for better stand-up performance in bed... | 1.3291 | 0.03929 | 237 | 176 | 44 | 17 |
563 | I'll tell the mattress store you didn't like the material or the delivery. | 1.3291 | 0.03625 | 234 | 167 | 57 | 10 |
564 | I see you prefer physical comedy. | 1.3291 | 0.03725 | 234 | 169 | 53 | 12 |
565 | But seriously, what's the deal with airline food? | 1.3286 | 0.04383 | 210 | 160 | 31 | 19 |
566 | You can try to ignore me if you like, but I'll be playing here all week. | 1.3284 | 0.04140 | 204 | 150 | 41 | 13 |
567 | Heckling by reading. That's a new one. | 1.3282 | 0.04332 | 195 | 145 | 36 | 14 |
568 | Regrets, I've had a few. Especially one I'd like to mention. | 1.3282 | 0.04208 | 195 | 143 | 40 | 12 |
569 | No book is that good! | 1.3281 | 0.03919 | 192 | 136 | 49 | 7 |
570 | You’re a beautiful audience and that outfit definitely didn’t make you look fat. | 1.3280 | 0.04730 | 186 | 143 | 25 | 18 |
571 | It was more evident than ever that Josh and Emily were drifting apart. | 1.3276 | 0.04550 | 174 | 129 | 33 | 12 |
572 | Come on! Am I really THAT boring in bed” | 1.3271 | 0.03837 | 214 | 154 | 50 | 10 |
573 | Hello? I'm performing here! | 1.3269 | 0.04139 | 208 | 154 | 40 | 14 |
574 | Sweetie, when I offered breakfast in bed you asked for toast! | 1.3269 | 0.04025 | 208 | 152 | 44 | 12 |
575 | Okay, the Jane Austen joke, not so funny. So how many Brontës did it take to screw in a lightbulb? | 1.3268 | 0.03751 | 257 | 191 | 48 | 18 |
576 | Read the room. | 1.3268 | 0.03884 | 205 | 147 | 49 | 9 |
577 | But in bed you said stand up. | 1.3268 | 0.03613 | 254 | 185 | 55 | 14 |
578 | I’d join you but then that would make me a lie down comedian. | 1.3268 | 0.03613 | 254 | 185 | 55 | 14 |
579 | You were supposed to say, “How bored is she?” . . . | 1.3264 | 0.03716 | 239 | 174 | 52 | 13 |
580 | I see some of you have a really short drive home. | 1.3261 | 0.04094 | 184 | 132 | 44 | 8 |
581 | Well, at least you could heckle me. | 1.3259 | 0.03722 | 224 | 161 | 53 | 10 |
582 | So, let me tell you about my day. | 1.3256 | 0.03822 | 215 | 155 | 50 | 10 |
583 | Have we any bored housewives in tonight? | 1.3254 | 0.04009 | 209 | 153 | 44 | 12 |
584 | By the way, I’m here all week. | 1.3252 | 0.04106 | 206 | 152 | 41 | 13 |
585 | Welcome to tonight’s guided meditation. I’ll be your host for the evening. | 1.3251 | 0.03967 | 203 | 147 | 46 | 10 |
586 | You don’t have to go home, but you can’t stay here. | 1.3243 | 0.03795 | 222 | 161 | 50 | 11 |
587 | Wow, tough crowd tonight. | 1.3242 | 0.03937 | 219 | 161 | 45 | 13 |
588 | I'm tired of our bedtime routine. | 1.3242 | 0.03968 | 182 | 129 | 47 | 6 |
589 | I actually preferred it when your heckled | 1.3235 | 0.04130 | 204 | 151 | 40 | 13 |
590 | I'd like to thank the Chairwoman for recognizing a junior member of the House. Ordinarily I make speeches on the floor, but the moment calls for me to rise above the ordinary, to raise my voice, and to say "This proposition has gone too far!" | 1.3235 | 0.04627 | 204 | 160 | 22 | 22 |
591 | Who's here from Columbus? | 1.3235 | 0.04012 | 204 | 149 | 44 | 11 |
592 | I'm up for a little heckling if you are. | 1.3234 | 0.03927 | 201 | 145 | 47 | 9 |
593 | Your husband is in the bathroom a long time. | 1.3234 | 0.03989 | 201 | 146 | 45 | 10 |
594 | Our marriage therapist said I needed to be more of a stand-up guy. | 1.3232 | 0.03833 | 198 | 141 | 50 | 7 |
595 | In conclusion, Happy Anniversary for 25 year's of devotion. | 1.3232 | 0.04092 | 198 | 145 | 42 | 11 |
596 | I need a better bedtime routine. | 1.3228 | 0.04154 | 189 | 138 | 41 | 10 |
597 | I thought you liked that I was a stand-up guy. | 1.3227 | 0.03974 | 220 | 163 | 43 | 14 |
598 | I read that women are attracted to men with a sense of humor. I'm here all night. | 1.3227 | 0.03634 | 251 | 184 | 53 | 14 |
599 | I know you're out there. I can hear the pages turning. | 1.3226 | 0.04057 | 186 | 134 | 44 | 8 |
600 | Despite everything, I think I’ve demonstrated that I’m still a pretty stand-up guy | 1.3226 | 0.03793 | 217 | 157 | 50 | 10 |
601 | ‘ Notice anything different about me , Carol ‘? | 1.3226 | 0.03848 | 217 | 158 | 48 | 11 |
602 | I've read the room and...never mind. | 1.3224 | 0.04050 | 214 | 159 | 41 | 14 |
603 | Take my wife. Please. # | 1.3222 | 0.04143 | 180 | 130 | 42 | 8 |
604 | No, I don’t think I keep bringing work home with me. Why do you ask? | 1.3222 | 0.04290 | 180 | 132 | 38 | 10 |
605 | I'll do it your-r-r-r- way! | 1.3221 | 0.04073 | 208 | 154 | 41 | 13 |
606 | Who’s the one underperforming now, Jen?! | 1.3218 | 0.04235 | 174 | 126 | 40 | 8 |
607 | I just can't seem to find a way to communicate with you. I thought I'd try this. | 1.3218 | 0.04095 | 202 | 149 | 41 | 12 |
608 | Didn't you say I should be more of a stand-up guy? | 1.3217 | 0.03998 | 230 | 173 | 40 | 17 |
609 | You did say you wanted a stand-up guy. | 1.3213 | 0.04010 | 221 | 165 | 41 | 15 |
610 | Your book is upside down. | 1.3211 | 0.04202 | 190 | 140 | 39 | 11 |
611 | Then the husband said, 'That would be more fun than reading!' | 1.3209 | 0.04247 | 187 | 138 | 38 | 11 |
612 | I’m leaving you. | 1.3200 | 0.03638 | 250 | 184 | 52 | 14 |
613 | For my next impression: The Trampoline. | 1.3198 | 0.04569 | 172 | 129 | 31 | 12 |
614 | Can I take my wife? Please. | 1.3196 | 0.04140 | 194 | 143 | 40 | 11 |
615 | Thanks for coming out tonight. I have upcoming tour locations at the couch downstairs, then my buddy’s apartment. | 1.3195 | 0.04391 | 169 | 124 | 36 | 9 |
616 | I just let you in to use the bathroom, Cindy.. | 1.3194 | 0.03909 | 216 | 159 | 45 | 12 |
617 | If it wasn't for my wife I wouldn't be here today. | 1.3191 | 0.04021 | 188 | 136 | 44 | 8 |
618 | You don’t have to go home, but you can’t stay here. Oh, wait… | 1.3191 | 0.03792 | 235 | 174 | 47 | 14 |
619 | You're a good looking crowd tonight! | 1.3190 | 0.04096 | 210 | 157 | 39 | 14 |
620 | Would someone from the audience -- who by the way doesn't appear to have a headache -- please volunteer to help with tonight's performance? | 1.3188 | 0.04136 | 207 | 155 | 38 | 14 |
621 | The guys told me I need to stand-up to my wife | 1.3187 | 0.03670 | 251 | 186 | 50 | 15 |
622 | I put up with your bedtime routine. | 1.3186 | 0.03878 | 204 | 148 | 47 | 9 |
623 | May I have your attention please. Your marriage leaves in an hour. | 1.3185 | 0.04522 | 157 | 115 | 34 | 8 |
624 | I'm trying to picture you naked. | 1.3184 | 0.04149 | 179 | 130 | 41 | 8 |
625 | The best I can offer is a 5.5% increase in your quiet reading time tonight, with a 3% increase for the next two weeks, and a retroactive bonus of 4% to compensate for the lack of quiet reading time since World Cup began and I broke the other TV by throwing my shoe at it when the US beat Iran. | 1.3184 | 0.04221 | 201 | 151 | 36 | 14 |
626 | Women! Am I right?! | 1.3184 | 0.03771 | 223 | 163 | 49 | 11 |
627 | And in our featured event this evening, Pam forgets I even exist. | 1.3182 | 0.03694 | 220 | 159 | 52 | 9 |
628 | First, I'd like to thank my booking agent. | 1.3182 | 0.04090 | 154 | 108 | 43 | 3 |
629 | I don't think this is what the book means by experimenting with standing up. | 1.3180 | 0.04159 | 217 | 165 | 35 | 17 |
630 | I know you’re out there, I can hear you reading. | 1.3180 | 0.04002 | 217 | 162 | 41 | 14 |
631 | I have to say, it’s especially hurtful that you’re reading a joke book. | 1.3179 | 0.04547 | 173 | 130 | 31 | 12 |
632 | At least you didn’t fall asleep during my act. | 1.3177 | 0.03752 | 192 | 136 | 51 | 5 |
633 | Read any good books lately? | 1.3176 | 0.03795 | 255 | 193 | 43 | 19 |
634 | As per usual, my five minutes is almost up. | 1.3176 | 0.04289 | 170 | 124 | 38 | 8 |
635 | You'll laugh at this one. Take my wife . . . Please! | 1.3175 | 0.04341 | 189 | 142 | 34 | 13 |
636 | ...but seriously folks I get no respect from audiences. Half the time when I visit them in sleep paralysis they don't even scream. Tonight we've even got a lady reading in the front row! | 1.3174 | 0.04421 | 167 | 123 | 35 | 9 |
637 | Maybe “makes me laugh” shouldn’t be that high on your tinder profile. | 1.3174 | 0.04421 | 167 | 123 | 35 | 9 |
638 | Okay, so we're working a hard crowd tonight... | 1.3172 | 0.03672 | 227 | 165 | 52 | 10 |
639 | Am I boring you? | 1.3168 | 0.03962 | 202 | 148 | 44 | 10 |
640 | So Elizabeth Bennet, Mr. Darcy, and a duck go into a bar . . . | 1.3167 | 0.04420 | 180 | 135 | 33 | 12 |
641 | I'll be here all night. | 1.3166 | 0.04000 | 199 | 146 | 43 | 10 |
642 | You’re newly single? | 1.3165 | 0.03519 | 237 | 171 | 57 | 9 |
643 | Your part is labeled "Audience" and most of the lines are "Ha-Ha-Ha-Ha-Ha" and the like. | 1.3164 | 0.04817 | 177 | 138 | 22 | 17 |
644 | The author will now read from her best seller, ‘My Husband is Delusional.” | 1.3163 | 0.04291 | 196 | 148 | 34 | 14 |
645 | Do you remember telling me you were first attracted to me because of my sense of humour? | 1.3161 | 0.04298 | 174 | 128 | 37 | 9 |
646 | You don't heckle me like you used to. | 1.3161 | 0.04014 | 193 | 141 | 43 | 9 |
647 | Anyone else here from my bedroom? | 1.3161 | 0.03589 | 193 | 135 | 55 | 3 |
648 | Audiobooks proudly presents, I Did It My Way, read by the author. | 1.3160 | 0.03927 | 231 | 174 | 41 | 16 |
649 | I know you people are out there,I can hear you reading. | 1.3158 | 0.03871 | 209 | 153 | 46 | 10 |
650 | Gerald’s concession speech went largely unnoticed. | 1.3155 | 0.04235 | 187 | 139 | 37 | 11 |
651 | Would it help if I put on the cowboy hat? | 1.3155 | 0.04148 | 168 | 121 | 41 | 6 |
652 | Honey,we have to leave in 15 minutes. | 1.3153 | 0.04006 | 203 | 150 | 42 | 11 |
653 | Must be a real page-turner, eh? | 1.3152 | 0.03994 | 184 | 133 | 44 | 7 |
654 | Jenny loved Charlie, but his performance in the bedroom was really starting to bore her. | 1.3152 | 0.03809 | 257 | 196 | 41 | 20 |
655 | And the award for World's Most Boring Wife goes to... | 1.3152 | 0.04533 | 165 | 123 | 32 | 10 |
656 | Okaaay. Do we have any bookworms here tonight? | 1.3152 | 0.04282 | 165 | 120 | 38 | 7 |
657 | The winner of the Book Of The Month Club’s Night Owl award is…..” | 1.3151 | 0.03697 | 219 | 159 | 51 | 9 |
658 | Listening to me is the equivalent of 8 mg of melatonin. | 1.3150 | 0.03675 | 254 | 190 | 48 | 16 |
659 | You know, I got a standing ovation in Room 314. | 1.3148 | 0.04673 | 162 | 122 | 29 | 11 |
660 | She was hoping for more than a 5 minute set. | 1.3147 | 0.04150 | 197 | 147 | 38 | 12 |
661 | Who out there in the audience tonight agrees that marriage is difficult? | 1.3147 | 0.03615 | 232 | 169 | 53 | 10 |
662 | Sinatra in Hell. | 1.3146 | 0.04378 | 178 | 133 | 34 | 11 |
663 | Thanks! I'll be here all week, or until your husband comes back. | 1.3145 | 0.04102 | 159 | 113 | 42 | 4 |
664 | Let's get ready to slummmber! | 1.3144 | 0.03861 | 194 | 140 | 47 | 7 |
665 | And on page 157, Colleen Hoover says, ‘Have sex with your husband.’ | 1.3144 | 0.04318 | 194 | 147 | 33 | 14 |
666 | Can I have your attention dear? | 1.3144 | 0.03997 | 194 | 142 | 43 | 9 |
667 | Any requests? | 1.3143 | 0.04121 | 175 | 127 | 41 | 7 |
668 | If I can pull you away from Jessi Klein's "You'll Get Over it"... | 1.3143 | 0.04200 | 175 | 128 | 39 | 8 |
669 | Husband tries to make the most out of his wife thinking he is a joke in bed. | 1.3143 | 0.04354 | 175 | 130 | 35 | 10 |
670 | If you cared you would at least heckle me. | 1.3140 | 0.03707 | 207 | 149 | 51 | 7 |
671 | I promise, it's harder than it looks | 1.3140 | 0.03892 | 207 | 152 | 45 | 10 |
672 | Oh, you meant book club, not club booking. | 1.3140 | 0.04247 | 172 | 126 | 38 | 8 |
673 | They say the third wife's a charm. | 1.3138 | 0.04216 | 188 | 140 | 37 | 11 |
674 | But enough about me.... | 1.3137 | 0.04771 | 153 | 115 | 28 | 10 |
675 | Shut Up and Come to Bed"? I don't think I know that one | 1.3137 | 0.04587 | 153 | 113 | 32 | 8 |
676 | Doris, have you heard the one about the lonely husband with no career and no sex life? | 1.3135 | 0.04330 | 185 | 139 | 34 | 12 |
677 | You really take heckling to the next level. | 1.3134 | 0.03772 | 217 | 159 | 48 | 10 |
678 | Sometimes I just need to be heard. | 1.3132 | 0.04092 | 182 | 133 | 41 | 8 |
679 | ‘Dear Diary, Will still suffers from Premature Jocularity …’ | 1.3131 | 0.03919 | 214 | 159 | 43 | 12 |
680 | I will stop drinking and dump the microphone if you stop reading in bed. | 1.3129 | 0.04221 | 163 | 118 | 39 | 6 |
681 | Why’d you make me do this if you’re just going to read? | 1.3128 | 0.03819 | 179 | 127 | 48 | 4 |
682 | Cum here often? | 1.3125 | 0.04407 | 176 | 132 | 33 | 11 |
683 | If you don’t stop reading, I’ll sing. | 1.3125 | 0.04552 | 176 | 134 | 29 | 13 |
684 | Anyone in the crowd burn the meatloaf tonight? | 1.3122 | 0.04060 | 189 | 139 | 41 | 9 |
685 | You've heard that one before, too? | 1.3119 | 0.03868 | 218 | 162 | 44 | 12 |
686 | Read the room, Lady. | 1.3119 | 0.03758 | 202 | 146 | 49 | 7 |
687 | Honey, will you adjust the light towards me? | 1.3118 | 0.04031 | 186 | 136 | 42 | 8 |
688 | ...and the wisdom to know the difference. | 1.3118 | 0.04108 | 170 | 123 | 41 | 6 |
689 | I see I have lost my audience. | 1.3116 | 0.03657 | 199 | 142 | 52 | 5 |
690 | This next song is dedicated to my vaguely dissatisfied wife. | 1.3113 | 0.03766 | 212 | 155 | 48 | 9 |
691 | She’s almost there…one more page…one more paragraph…you can cut the tension with a knife. | 1.3113 | 0.04371 | 212 | 166 | 26 | 20 |
692 | As Claire finished her novel, she realized the one character who spoke to her most was a stand-up comedian named Mel. | 1.3110 | 0.03978 | 209 | 156 | 41 | 12 |
693 | Bit of a tough crowd tonight. . . | 1.3110 | 0.04109 | 164 | 118 | 41 | 5 |
694 | Paging Mrs Dimwiddle. Your yearly conjugal appointment is due. | 1.3108 | 0.04968 | 148 | 113 | 24 | 11 |
695 | I thought we could try a new routine. | 1.3107 | 0.03839 | 177 | 126 | 47 | 4 |
696 | You in the front row, where are you from? | 1.3106 | 0.03448 | 264 | 195 | 56 | 13 |
697 | f you make it here, you can make it anywhere. | 1.3105 | 0.04309 | 190 | 144 | 33 | 13 |
698 | Are you sure that this is the best way to record the audiobook? | 1.3105 | 0.04111 | 190 | 141 | 39 | 10 |
699 | I think I need to have a hard conversation with my Agent after this gig | 1.3105 | 0.04244 | 190 | 143 | 35 | 12 |
700 | I guess I'll be doing the act alone tonight. | 1.3105 | 0.04178 | 190 | 142 | 37 | 11 |
701 | This is a tough room to read. But, seriously folks.... | 1.3105 | 0.03960 | 219 | 165 | 40 | 14 |
702 | Live from New York--it's Saturday Night! | 1.3103 | 0.04944 | 145 | 110 | 25 | 10 |
703 | It's called compromise. I get to do stand up and you get to do lie down. | 1.3102 | 0.03719 | 216 | 158 | 49 | 9 |
704 | Thanks, honey, I'll be here all week. | 1.3102 | 0.04084 | 187 | 138 | 40 | 9 |
705 | Live from Newark it’s Saturday night! | 1.3099 | 0.04253 | 171 | 126 | 37 | 8 |
706 | But you said you wanted a one night stand… | 1.3096 | 0.03946 | 197 | 145 | 43 | 9 |
707 | I'm here all week...or until you divorce me. | 1.3095 | 0.03845 | 210 | 155 | 45 | 10 |
708 | “Hi, how are you doing tonight? You doing good? My name is Mel, and believe it or not, this is my very first time as a sexual fantasy.” | 1.3095 | 0.04543 | 168 | 127 | 30 | 11 |
709 | Tell me if you’ve ignored this one … | 1.3095 | 0.03845 | 210 | 155 | 45 | 10 |
710 | And now, ladies and gentlemen, turning the page...she finally starts to understand the plot. | 1.3094 | 0.04244 | 181 | 135 | 36 | 10 |
711 | This book is brought to you by the humor-impaired. | 1.3091 | 0.04266 | 165 | 121 | 37 | 7 |
712 | I hope you like this performance better than the last one. | 1.3089 | 0.04159 | 191 | 143 | 37 | 11 |
713 | Hello…hello…is this mic on? | 1.3089 | 0.03813 | 191 | 138 | 47 | 6 |
714 | The therapist said I should perform for you… | 1.3088 | 0.03792 | 204 | 149 | 47 | 8 |
715 | I don’t think you’re hearing me. | 1.3085 | 0.04017 | 201 | 150 | 40 | 11 |
716 | You probably shouldn’t start the evening with great expectations. | 1.3084 | 0.03795 | 214 | 158 | 46 | 10 |
717 | Let me know when you get to the part about a sexy comedian | 1.3082 | 0.04718 | 146 | 109 | 29 | 8 |
718 | I told you in my profile that I'm a stand-up guy | 1.3082 | 0.04274 | 159 | 116 | 37 | 6 |
719 | I’m so glad we have these little moments together. | 1.3081 | 0.04232 | 172 | 127 | 37 | 8 |
720 | I’ve been waiting years to give my BED Talk! | 1.3081 | 0.04466 | 172 | 130 | 31 | 11 |
721 | Tough room… and marriage. | 1.3081 | 0.04036 | 185 | 136 | 41 | 8 |
722 | So a priest, a rabbi, and a failing marriage walk into a bar… | 1.3081 | 0.04362 | 198 | 153 | 29 | 16 |
723 | Exactly how many sound effects does this book have? | 1.3080 | 0.03790 | 224 | 167 | 45 | 12 |
724 | I’ll be here all night. I think. | 1.3080 | 0.03601 | 237 | 175 | 51 | 11 |
725 | But you ordered an audio book! | 1.3077 | 0.04041 | 208 | 157 | 38 | 13 |
726 | And the lady here, in the front row, can you tell us how your day was? | 1.3077 | 0.03769 | 221 | 164 | 46 | 11 |
727 | Last time I do a set at The Book Club. | 1.3073 | 0.04270 | 179 | 134 | 35 | 10 |
728 | Don't mind me, I'll be here all week. | 1.3069 | 0.03938 | 202 | 150 | 42 | 10 |
729 | Yes, I'm the narrator, and I really wish I could be the hero in this one. | 1.3067 | 0.04629 | 150 | 112 | 30 | 8 |
730 | You did say I need to perform better in the bedroom. | 1.3066 | 0.04151 | 212 | 163 | 33 | 16 |
731 | Would it help if I get a band? | 1.3064 | 0.03964 | 173 | 125 | 43 | 5 |
732 | You were laughing a minute ago when my clothes were off. | 1.3062 | 0.04252 | 160 | 117 | 37 | 6 |
733 | Ask your doctor if a stand-up comic is right for you. | 1.3062 | 0.04607 | 160 | 121 | 29 | 10 |
734 | Oh. So this isn't what you meant when you told me I needed to work on my performance in bed? | 1.3062 | 0.03967 | 209 | 157 | 40 | 12 |
735 | How about you up front. Have you read any good books lately? | 1.3060 | 0.03908 | 183 | 133 | 44 | 6 |
736 | Ever notice how some husbands need more attention than they're currently getting? | 1.3059 | 0.04005 | 170 | 123 | 42 | 5 |
737 | I’m getting out of your dream and going down to the bar. | 1.3057 | 0.03921 | 193 | 142 | 43 | 8 |
738 | Can you hear me in the back? | 1.3056 | 0.04176 | 180 | 134 | 37 | 9 |
739 | I'd like to propose a toast to my wife, who won't let me have a t.v. in the bedroom because it's too distracting. | 1.3054 | 0.04307 | 167 | 124 | 35 | 8 |
740 | And now I'll beg forgiveness in a classic song by Willie Nelson. | 1.3054 | 0.03958 | 167 | 120 | 43 | 4 |
741 | You used to be able to read me like a book. | 1.3053 | 0.04710 | 131 | 96 | 30 | 5 |
742 | Jeez, even a little heckling would be appreciated. | 1.3050 | 0.03697 | 200 | 145 | 49 | 6 |
743 | Knock, knock. | 1.3049 | 0.03686 | 223 | 165 | 48 | 10 |
744 | I suppose this means you're not interested in a one-night stand-up. | 1.3048 | 0.04538 | 187 | 146 | 25 | 16 |
745 | You said you wanted to meet a man with a sense of humor. | 1.3048 | 0.03892 | 210 | 157 | 42 | 11 |
746 | I tell you, I get no respect! | 1.3046 | 0.04791 | 151 | 115 | 26 | 10 |
747 | You can ignore me, but I get paid either way. | 1.3046 | 0.03730 | 197 | 143 | 48 | 6 |
748 | Is this turned on? | 1.3043 | 0.04104 | 207 | 158 | 35 | 14 |
749 | When you come to part where he screams with orgasmic joy, that's where I come in. | 1.3043 | 0.03397 | 253 | 186 | 57 | 10 |
750 | Is this thing working? | 1.3043 | 0.03929 | 207 | 155 | 41 | 11 |
751 | In case you're interested, I'm coming to bed now." | 1.3043 | 0.03890 | 184 | 134 | 44 | 6 |
752 | “I'm just warming up the dog's spot.” | 1.3043 | 0.04255 | 184 | 139 | 34 | 11 |
753 | And then I told her : “Divorce? Wouldn’t that mean one of us has to take the kids?” | 1.3041 | 0.04104 | 194 | 146 | 37 | 11 |
754 | Hamlet is a tough act to follow. | 1.3041 | 0.04038 | 194 | 145 | 39 | 10 |
755 | Honey, it's my turn to use the spotlight. | 1.3039 | 0.03603 | 181 | 128 | 51 | 2 |
756 | I'm tired of putting on this act. I want a divorce. | 1.3038 | 0.04463 | 158 | 118 | 32 | 8 |
757 | I'll be here all week whether you ignore me or not. | 1.3037 | 0.03726 | 191 | 138 | 48 | 5 |
758 | If you refer to pg 19, clause 12 of the evening protocol agreement, you will see that reading does not count as foreplay." | 1.3034 | 0.04202 | 178 | 133 | 36 | 9 |
759 | O.K., I know what you're thinking, 'Just how funny can a dysfunctional, loveless marriage be?' | 1.3034 | 0.04202 | 178 | 133 | 36 | 9 |
760 | So, you from out-of-town? | 1.3034 | 0.03968 | 178 | 130 | 42 | 6 |
761 | So, this stand-up comedian walks into a bedroom… | 1.3034 | 0.04125 | 178 | 132 | 38 | 8 |
762 | you’re funnier under the sheets | 1.3032 | 0.04330 | 155 | 114 | 35 | 6 |
763 | Hi, I'm running for president...may I have a minute of your time? | 1.3030 | 0.04583 | 165 | 126 | 28 | 11 |
764 | Why are you upset? I told you I was a stand-up guy. | 1.3030 | 0.03783 | 198 | 145 | 46 | 7 |
765 | ...And my wife says I don't notice her. | 1.3029 | 0.03792 | 208 | 154 | 45 | 9 |
766 | Am I going to be here all night? | 1.3029 | 0.03972 | 208 | 157 | 39 | 12 |
767 | So, a priest, a rabbi and an unfaithful husband walk into a bar... | 1.3027 | 0.04021 | 185 | 137 | 40 | 8 |
768 | Did I mention I'll be here all week? | 1.3027 | 0.04021 | 185 | 137 | 40 | 8 |
769 | So ... did you ever notice how reading a book is a lot like sex? | 1.3026 | 0.04086 | 195 | 147 | 37 | 11 |
770 | You usually laugh when we’re in the bedroom. | 1.3025 | 0.03478 | 238 | 175 | 54 | 9 |
771 | ... in conclusion, while we ran a tough campaign, in the end we couldn't compete with the romance novel. | 1.3025 | 0.04386 | 162 | 121 | 33 | 8 |
772 | I need a better agent | 1.3024 | 0.04069 | 205 | 156 | 36 | 13 |
773 | Excuse me, but the spotlight should really be on me. | 1.3023 | 0.04135 | 172 | 127 | 38 | 7 |
774 | I'm in the mood for love" | 1.3023 | 0.04135 | 172 | 127 | 38 | 7 |
775 | They call me a sleeper hit. | 1.3022 | 0.04063 | 182 | 135 | 39 | 8 |
776 | Something tells me I'm not killing it tonight. | 1.3021 | 0.04258 | 192 | 147 | 32 | 13 |
777 | Can't we just go back to pillow talk? | 1.3020 | 0.04437 | 149 | 110 | 33 | 6 |
778 | Take your time. I'm here all night. | 1.3018 | 0.04180 | 169 | 125 | 37 | 7 |
779 | At least I sold out the bathroom last night | 1.3018 | 0.04345 | 169 | 127 | 33 | 9 |
780 | My wife used to enjoy sets every night. | 1.3017 | 0.04029 | 179 | 132 | 40 | 7 |
781 | I've got no plans after my second show | 1.3017 | 0.03950 | 179 | 131 | 42 | 6 |
782 | But it’s open mic night! | 1.3014 | 0.04699 | 146 | 110 | 28 | 8 |
783 | And you said I take myself too seriously. | 1.3014 | 0.04699 | 146 | 110 | 28 | 8 |
784 | I’m not talking down to you, I swear. | 1.3013 | 0.04675 | 156 | 119 | 27 | 10 |
785 | A funny thing happened to me on the way here. | 1.3012 | 0.04396 | 166 | 125 | 32 | 9 |
786 | Do we have anyone here from the living room? | 1.3011 | 0.04378 | 176 | 134 | 31 | 11 |
787 | Well thanks again for staying in tonight folks, and don't forget to use those bookmarks before passing out. | 1.3011 | 0.04075 | 186 | 139 | 38 | 9 |
788 | Is it the content or delivery? | 1.3008 | 0.04526 | 133 | 97 | 32 | 4 |
789 | I'm afraid that glass of water doesn't count towards the two drink minimum. | 1.3007 | 0.04763 | 143 | 108 | 27 | 8 |
790 | So a guy walks into a bed... | 1.3006 | 0.04195 | 173 | 129 | 36 | 8 |
791 | This wouldn't seem so bad if you weren't reading a Joke Book... | 1.3005 | 0.04400 | 183 | 141 | 29 | 13 |
792 | What is that, Proust? Tough crowd. | 1.3005 | 0.03815 | 183 | 133 | 45 | 5 |
793 | Picture your audience as naked works for me. | 1.3005 | 0.04043 | 193 | 145 | 38 | 10 |
794 | That was a tough act to follow. | 1.3005 | 0.03976 | 193 | 144 | 40 | 9 |
795 | Our next guest is one you'll never forget. | 1.3000 | 0.04015 | 190 | 142 | 39 | 9 |
796 | I’m Mr Sandman and I will be back tomorrow night in my usual slot. | 1.3000 | 0.03638 | 210 | 154 | 49 | 7 |
797 | Honey, a little inspiration here wouldn't hurt. | 1.3000 | 0.03988 | 170 | 124 | 41 | 5 |
798 | On the bright side, I did not give up my day job this week. | 1.3000 | 0.03883 | 200 | 149 | 42 | 9 |
799 | It's nice to read a book which really speaks to you | 1.3000 | 0.04235 | 180 | 136 | 34 | 10 |
800 | You've been a lovely audience tonight, now let's give it up for your husband. | 1.2996 | 0.03684 | 227 | 170 | 46 | 11 |
801 | Geez...tough crowd tonite. | 1.2995 | 0.04206 | 207 | 161 | 30 | 16 |
802 | Tough crowd. | 1.2995 | 0.03853 | 197 | 146 | 43 | 8 |
803 | So, anyone from out of town here tonight? | 1.2995 | 0.04056 | 187 | 140 | 38 | 9 |
804 | I’m getting the feeling that you don’t enjoy my performance in the bedroom. | 1.2994 | 0.04282 | 177 | 134 | 33 | 10 |
805 | Honey, a funny thing happened on my way home... | 1.2994 | 0.03940 | 167 | 121 | 42 | 4 |
806 | Let’s all raise a glass to indifference. | 1.2994 | 0.04206 | 167 | 124 | 36 | 7 |
807 | I just returned from a great trip. I took your mother to the airport.” | 1.2993 | 0.05114 | 137 | 106 | 21 | 10 |
808 | [Why does this need a caption? It's just so damn funny!] | 1.2991 | 0.03822 | 224 | 170 | 41 | 13 |
809 | This is the toughest room I’ve ever played. I don’t even have a joke for that. | 1.2991 | 0.03593 | 214 | 157 | 50 | 7 |
810 | Could I please have your attention? | 1.2990 | 0.03958 | 194 | 145 | 40 | 9 |
811 | Once upon a time you would have been all over my 'stand-up' performance in bed | 1.2990 | 0.03890 | 194 | 144 | 42 | 8 |
812 | Let me tell you the story of a brave man who didn’t feel validated at home. | 1.2990 | 0.04025 | 194 | 146 | 38 | 10 |
813 | And another thing that upsets me about Trump……… | 1.2989 | 0.04025 | 184 | 137 | 39 | 8 |
814 | My next number is for all the girls I've loved before. | 1.2989 | 0.04012 | 174 | 128 | 40 | 6 |
815 | How many people in the audience are married? | 1.2988 | 0.04253 | 164 | 122 | 35 | 7 |
816 | Hey, this thing is turned on? | 1.2984 | 0.04578 | 124 | 90 | 31 | 3 |
817 | Glad to be here in the bedroom tonight. Anyone feeling as excited as I am? | 1.2983 | 0.04358 | 181 | 139 | 30 | 12 |
818 | What happened to the other fern? | 1.2983 | 0.04215 | 181 | 137 | 34 | 10 |
819 | Can I have some participation from the audience? | 1.2983 | 0.03991 | 181 | 134 | 40 | 7 |
820 | If you didn't want to hear it you shouldn't have sat in the front row. | 1.2982 | 0.04221 | 171 | 128 | 35 | 8 |
821 | So...anyone read any good books lately? | 1.2981 | 0.04076 | 208 | 160 | 34 | 14 |
822 | I hope that’s a short story. | 1.2978 | 0.04032 | 178 | 132 | 39 | 7 |
823 | Chapter Sixteen: His ill-fitting sportscoat fell from his shoulders like he'd just arrived in the nightclub from a gray rain, as he stood behind a narrow microphone stand, unsure of his audience, unsure if he was yet again the butt of the joke. | 1.2973 | 0.04491 | 185 | 145 | 25 | 15 |
824 | I'll be here every week.....for the rest of your life. | 1.2970 | 0.04567 | 165 | 127 | 27 | 11 |
825 | I'm using the trick where I imagine my audience fully clothed. | 1.2967 | 0.03972 | 182 | 135 | 40 | 7 |
826 | Take my wife...and her iambic pentameter...please. | 1.2967 | 0.04048 | 182 | 136 | 38 | 8 |
827 | Good evening, may I have your attention please. | 1.2967 | 0.03972 | 182 | 135 | 40 | 7 |
828 | Yes, in fact I WILL be here all week. | 1.2966 | 0.04390 | 145 | 107 | 33 | 5 |
829 | You know that I already have performance anxiety?! | 1.2965 | 0.03949 | 172 | 126 | 41 | 5 |
830 | Just saying…I’m going to need a stiffer drink if you keep choosing this genre of audiobooks! | 1.2963 | 0.04456 | 162 | 123 | 30 | 9 |
831 | When I said I like to be humiliated in bed this isn't what I meant | 1.2963 | 0.04787 | 162 | 127 | 22 | 13 |
832 | ...and I'll be your AirBnB host for this evening. | 1.2963 | 0.03856 | 216 | 164 | 40 | 12 |
833 | A headline spot just opened up on the couch. | 1.2963 | 0.04456 | 162 | 123 | 30 | 9 |
834 | And THIS, ladies and gentlemen, is apparently 'Sorry, honey, I have a headache' in action. | 1.2961 | 0.04013 | 179 | 133 | 39 | 7 |
835 | So a priest, a minister, and a rabbi walk into this bar... | 1.2961 | 0.04090 | 179 | 134 | 37 | 8 |
836 | So, anyone else out there thinking of trying one of those dating aps? | 1.2961 | 0.04013 | 179 | 133 | 39 | 7 |
837 | This is my first time doing stood up | 1.2961 | 0.04166 | 179 | 135 | 35 | 9 |
838 | So, are you from out of town? | 1.2958 | 0.04332 | 142 | 104 | 34 | 4 |
839 | Stop me if you've heard this one. | 1.2957 | 0.03915 | 186 | 138 | 41 | 7 |
840 | Have you tried audiobooks? | 1.2956 | 0.04045 | 159 | 116 | 39 | 4 |
841 | This audio book is narrated by your husband,Bill. | 1.2956 | 0.04684 | 159 | 123 | 25 | 11 |
842 | So honey, see, then,for the joke to work you have to say, "How fat is she?" No? | 1.2955 | 0.04437 | 176 | 136 | 28 | 12 |
843 | But you told me that comedy was sexy. | 1.2948 | 0.04259 | 173 | 131 | 33 | 9 |
844 | So then I said “Dickens? Not on a Tuesday night, I’ve had a long day.” | 1.2947 | 0.04205 | 190 | 146 | 32 | 12 |
845 | Thank you for selecting the live option available with your premium subscription. Chapter One… | 1.2947 | 0.03965 | 207 | 158 | 37 | 12 |
846 | Thank you. So who's here from out of town? | 1.2946 | 0.05092 | 129 | 99 | 22 | 8 |
847 | It's great to finally be back in the bedroom...or as my wife calls it, the ''keep your hands to yourself' room. | 1.2944 | 0.03875 | 214 | 163 | 39 | 12 |
848 | It's okay. I'll be here all night. | 1.2941 | 0.04681 | 136 | 102 | 28 | 6 |
849 | Hey, any out-of-towners here tonight? | 1.2941 | 0.04142 | 170 | 127 | 36 | 7 |
850 | For my next divorce, I’ll need a volunteer. | 1.2941 | 0.04225 | 170 | 128 | 34 | 8 |
851 | You could at least try heckling me. | 1.2938 | 0.03807 | 194 | 144 | 43 | 7 |
852 | Our counselor said I should try to create more laughter in our marriage. | 1.2938 | 0.04035 | 177 | 132 | 38 | 7 |
853 | Hey, I'll be here all week. You? | 1.2937 | 0.04397 | 160 | 121 | 31 | 8 |
854 | Please hold your applause until after the late show. | 1.2937 | 0.04024 | 160 | 117 | 39 | 4 |
855 | Well I'm tired of you bringing your work home too. | 1.2937 | 0.04742 | 143 | 109 | 26 | 8 |
856 | Honey, I m not really sure this roleplay is working for me anymore. | 1.2935 | 0.04156 | 184 | 140 | 34 | 10 |
857 | So go ahead, heckle me. | 1.2935 | 0.03621 | 184 | 133 | 48 | 3 |
858 | Do you still think I’m exaggerating about not having your attention? | 1.2935 | 0.04156 | 184 | 140 | 34 | 10 |
859 | I'm resigning to spend more time with my family. | 1.2933 | 0.04781 | 150 | 116 | 24 | 10 |
860 | Diane was not impressed with Harold’s less than stellar performance in bed. | 1.2933 | 0.04177 | 208 | 163 | 29 | 16 |
861 | At least you used to heckle me. | 1.2932 | 0.03914 | 191 | 143 | 40 | 8 |
862 | My next line, please.. | 1.2932 | 0.03544 | 191 | 138 | 50 | 3 |
863 | This one’s for all the fellas. | 1.2932 | 0.04251 | 191 | 148 | 30 | 13 |
864 | You draw the line at faking a laugh? | 1.2931 | 0.04391 | 174 | 134 | 29 | 11 |
865 | And don't get me started on my wife's steamy fetishes. | 1.2930 | 0.04025 | 215 | 167 | 33 | 15 |
866 | I just thought if I'm going to get laughs in bed, I'd rather they be intentional. | 1.2929 | 0.05018 | 140 | 109 | 21 | 10 |
867 | And this next song is for anyone out there who's given up on marriage. | 1.2927 | 0.04055 | 164 | 121 | 38 | 5 |
868 | Regrets I have had a few, but too few to mention. | 1.2926 | 0.03952 | 188 | 141 | 39 | 8 |
869 | It was a tough room to read | 1.2926 | 0.04023 | 188 | 142 | 37 | 9 |
870 | You’re ignoring my needs again. | 1.2926 | 0.03952 | 188 | 141 | 39 | 8 |
871 | Bill never forgot to thank his wife in in speeches again… | 1.2925 | 0.04340 | 147 | 109 | 33 | 5 |
872 | You can ignore me if you want, I'm here all week. | 1.2925 | 0.03719 | 212 | 159 | 44 | 9 |
873 | How's everybody doing? So, I'm having relationship problems... | 1.2923 | 0.03927 | 195 | 147 | 39 | 9 |
874 | Welcome to my BED Talk. | 1.2922 | 0.04506 | 154 | 117 | 29 | 8 |
875 | Was I supposed to take my shoes off? | 1.2922 | 0.04314 | 154 | 115 | 33 | 6 |
876 | And next I'd like to sing all the hits from 1940 to the present. | 1.2921 | 0.04393 | 178 | 138 | 28 | 12 |
877 | Now for some Bar room humor: This drink is called Marriage on the Rocks. | 1.2919 | 0.04462 | 161 | 123 | 29 | 9 |
878 | Hey, it's great to be here in Portland. Who here is from Portland? Put your hands together and let's hear it for Portland! | 1.2919 | 0.04065 | 185 | 140 | 36 | 9 |
879 | And worst of all, that's my book she's reading. | 1.2919 | 0.03842 | 185 | 137 | 42 | 6 |
880 | Here's a joke for you - my sex life | 1.2917 | 0.04251 | 168 | 127 | 33 | 8 |
881 | And don't get me started on my wife. | 1.2915 | 0.03739 | 199 | 148 | 44 | 7 |
882 | Amazing. My best routine and not even a nod. | 1.2915 | 0.03938 | 199 | 151 | 38 | 10 |
883 | Geez, I hope you don't book me again next week. | 1.2914 | 0.04138 | 175 | 132 | 35 | 8 |
884 | Hey, I see Judy in the front row. Judy come on up and say hi to your Mom | 1.2914 | 0.04370 | 175 | 135 | 29 | 11 |
885 | Unaccustomed as I am to public speaking. . . | 1.2914 | 0.04466 | 151 | 114 | 30 | 7 |
886 | It has been my pleasure to entertain you tonight. I'm here all week. | 1.2912 | 0.03879 | 182 | 135 | 41 | 6 |
887 | Is this not what you meant by, “more performance in the bedroom”? | 1.2911 | 0.04427 | 158 | 120 | 30 | 8 |
888 | Even with the addition of whiskey and microphone, Barry's performance in the bedroom was still lacking. | 1.2911 | 0.04605 | 158 | 122 | 26 | 10 |
889 | It’s hard to get your attention these days. | 1.2910 | 0.04472 | 134 | 99 | 31 | 4 |
890 | I hope I'm not keeping you up. | 1.2909 | 0.04300 | 165 | 125 | 32 | 8 |
891 | I think we’re going to have to reach an agreement on the definition of a fun evening. | 1.2909 | 0.04300 | 165 | 125 | 32 | 8 |
892 | And now, a word from the patriarchy. | 1.2909 | 0.04385 | 165 | 126 | 30 | 9 |
893 | Maybe I should just throw this drink at her and see what happens. | 1.2908 | 0.04449 | 141 | 105 | 31 | 5 |
894 | And for my next number, “You’ve Lost That Lovin Feeling”. | 1.2907 | 0.04343 | 172 | 132 | 30 | 10 |
895 | OK, maybe you’d prefer one of the other nine ways to spice up a marriage. | 1.2907 | 0.04101 | 172 | 129 | 36 | 7 |
896 | Now for my monologue. | 1.2905 | 0.04315 | 148 | 110 | 33 | 5 |
897 | My agent said I'd be working a "small room", but I had no idea... | 1.2905 | 0.04074 | 179 | 135 | 36 | 8 |
898 | Doug always brought big mic energy to the bedroom. | 1.2903 | 0.04117 | 186 | 142 | 34 | 10 |
899 | I believe in miracles, where you from, you sexy thing. | 1.2901 | 0.04350 | 162 | 123 | 31 | 8 |
900 | You, with the book... Where ya from? | 1.2901 | 0.04607 | 162 | 126 | 25 | 11 |
901 | So, where you from, what do you do? | 1.2900 | 0.04047 | 200 | 154 | 34 | 12 |
902 | Can you hear me now? | 1.2896 | 0.03861 | 183 | 136 | 41 | 6 |
903 | Don't get me started about performance anxiety. | 1.2896 | 0.03938 | 183 | 137 | 39 | 7 |
904 | Is that a 'No' to my proposal? | 1.2895 | 0.04726 | 152 | 118 | 24 | 10 |
905 | I like a woman who's a maid in the living room, a cook in the kitchen and a tough crowd in the bedroom. | 1.2895 | 0.04322 | 190 | 149 | 27 | 14 |
906 | I said I was sorry, but now I'm starting to think you were being sarcastic about the public apology. | 1.2895 | 0.04136 | 152 | 112 | 36 | 4 |
907 | I was at home last night and it didn't go over any better. | 1.2895 | 0.04342 | 152 | 114 | 32 | 6 |
908 | When Sally was totally engrossed in a book, nothing could distract her. | 1.2895 | 0.04342 | 152 | 114 | 32 | 6 |
909 | Em didn't like the voice in her head, so she got a replacement | 1.2895 | 0.04441 | 152 | 115 | 30 | 7 |
910 | You ever notice there's a man doing standup on your bed? | 1.2893 | 0.04150 | 197 | 153 | 31 | 13 |
911 | I can't find my slippers | 1.2893 | 0.04024 | 197 | 151 | 35 | 11 |
912 | So, how did you like my first set? | 1.2889 | 0.03978 | 180 | 135 | 38 | 7 |
913 | I’m trying out something new in bed tonight. | 1.2887 | 0.03930 | 194 | 147 | 38 | 9 |
914 | Take my wife’s book ... please! | 1.2886 | 0.04694 | 149 | 115 | 25 | 9 |
915 | My next number is dedicated to my wife who reads between the covers | 1.2886 | 0.04183 | 149 | 110 | 35 | 4 |
916 | Are you sure you don’t want to heckle” | 1.2885 | 0.04169 | 156 | 116 | 35 | 5 |
917 | I'm the new Kindle and I'll do any voice you want. | 1.2883 | 0.04327 | 163 | 124 | 31 | 8 |
918 | How do I turn this on? | 1.2880 | 0.04141 | 184 | 141 | 33 | 10 |
919 | Tell me if you've heard this one — a guy walks into a bar and says, "My wife never pays attention to me anymore." | 1.2880 | 0.05183 | 125 | 97 | 20 | 8 |
920 | After 20 years of marriage, Jerry asked for a “one night stand…” | 1.2880 | 0.04927 | 125 | 95 | 24 | 6 |
921 | Frankly, folks, even the greatest have to start out playing the smaller venues. | 1.2877 | 0.04555 | 146 | 111 | 28 | 7 |
922 | Would it help if I used one of Carlin's seven dirty words? | 1.2876 | 0.03556 | 226 | 170 | 47 | 9 |
923 | Hey folks! How you all doin'? Take my wife! She goes to sleep with Shakespeare and wakes up with Longfellow! | 1.2876 | 0.04606 | 153 | 118 | 26 | 9 |
924 | I'm sorry, but I was only joking. | 1.2875 | 0.04100 | 160 | 119 | 36 | 5 |
925 | Reader? I hardly know her. | 1.2875 | 0.04288 | 160 | 121 | 32 | 7 |
926 | This next song is going out to my wife who's laying in bed trying to go to sleep. | 1.2874 | 0.04082 | 167 | 125 | 36 | 6 |
927 | I'm going to skip the mother-in-law jokes tonight | 1.2874 | 0.03902 | 167 | 123 | 40 | 4 |
928 | Thank you, I’ll be here all week, and then of course until death do us part | 1.2874 | 0.04525 | 174 | 137 | 24 | 13 |
929 | She reads I drink The microwave beeps its mournful song | 1.2874 | 0.04221 | 174 | 133 | 32 | 9 |
930 | I thought you wanted to try some role play in the bedroom? | 1.2871 | 0.03556 | 202 | 149 | 48 | 5 |
931 | You've been a great audience . I will be performing in the kitchen on the 15th. | 1.2869 | 0.04725 | 122 | 91 | 27 | 4 |
932 | Tonight I announce my candidacy for a quickie, sometime between now and 7am tomorrow. | 1.2868 | 0.04772 | 136 | 104 | 25 | 7 |
933 | Standup is not the only thing that’s hard. | 1.2867 | 0.04720 | 143 | 110 | 25 | 8 |
934 | Can we talk? | 1.2867 | 0.04160 | 150 | 111 | 35 | 4 |
935 | So I got a new bedtime routine… | 1.2866 | 0.04046 | 157 | 116 | 37 | 4 |
936 | And so closes another chapter of my life between the covers. | 1.2866 | 0.04523 | 157 | 121 | 27 | 9 |
937 | Susan, the therapist said I have to stick to my own nighttime routine. | 1.2866 | 0.04146 | 157 | 117 | 35 | 5 |
938 | That was the climax of the show. | 1.2866 | 0.04304 | 164 | 125 | 31 | 8 |
939 | Shout out to New Jersey. Anyone here from New Jersey? | 1.2866 | 0.04127 | 164 | 123 | 35 | 6 |
940 | When will the TV be fixed? | 1.2866 | 0.04035 | 164 | 122 | 37 | 5 |
941 | I’m here all book. | 1.2866 | 0.04127 | 164 | 123 | 35 | 6 |
942 | It's great to allowed back in tonight. | 1.2865 | 0.03999 | 178 | 134 | 37 | 7 |
943 | Good evening, listeners. Tonight I'm reporting to you from a very sad scene in my own home... | 1.2865 | 0.03919 | 178 | 133 | 39 | 6 |
944 | Hello…Is it me you’re looking for? | 1.2865 | 0.03919 | 178 | 133 | 39 | 6 |
945 | And now, my sleep number. | 1.2864 | 0.03725 | 199 | 149 | 43 | 7 |
946 | Take my wife... please. | 1.2857 | 0.04092 | 196 | 152 | 32 | 12 |
947 | What's the deal with books? | 1.2857 | 0.03958 | 175 | 131 | 38 | 6 |
948 | For this next part of my routine I'm going to need a volunteer from the audience. | 1.2857 | 0.04317 | 168 | 129 | 30 | 9 |
949 | Pssssssst, tell me if I am standing on your feet. | 1.2857 | 0.04193 | 154 | 115 | 34 | 5 |
950 | This venue is a bit sleepier than my agent let on. | 1.2857 | 0.04028 | 196 | 151 | 34 | 11 |
951 | So I sez to the Doc...'Doc, my wife keeps ignoring me when we're in bed, is it me?' and the doc sez... | 1.2857 | 0.03773 | 189 | 141 | 42 | 6 |
952 | Good evening, lady with germs. | 1.2857 | 0.03882 | 168 | 124 | 40 | 4 |
953 | Time for some new material! | 1.2857 | 0.04016 | 182 | 138 | 36 | 8 |
954 | I think the spotlight should be on me, don’t you? | 1.2857 | 0.04196 | 189 | 147 | 30 | 12 |
955 | Susanne hated standup and as she nervously thumbed through her owner’s manual she realized her sexbot’s 3-month warranty had just expired. | 1.2857 | 0.04479 | 168 | 131 | 26 | 11 |
956 | Hi, this is your late night anxiety speaking | 1.2857 | 0.03846 | 189 | 142 | 40 | 7 |
957 | Tough crowd, huh? | 1.2850 | 0.03641 | 200 | 149 | 45 | 6 |
958 | Let's start from the top. | 1.2849 | 0.03980 | 179 | 135 | 37 | 7 |
959 | Susan and I are overwhelmed with feelings of anticipation and hope, as we begin this new chapter. | 1.2848 | 0.04282 | 165 | 126 | 31 | 8 |
960 | Have you heard the one about the middle-aged loser who’s desperate for attention? | 1.2848 | 0.04445 | 151 | 115 | 29 | 7 |
961 | And now for my final number, “Strangers in the Night”. | 1.2847 | 0.04742 | 137 | 105 | 25 | 7 |
962 | You've always said my standup puts you to sleep. | 1.2844 | 0.03631 | 218 | 165 | 44 | 9 |
963 | I'd also like to thank my wife who has furthered my career with her incredible ability to ignore me. | 1.2843 | 0.03673 | 197 | 147 | 44 | 6 |
964 | We used to role-play in the bedroom a lot. Your favorite game was "Handsome Librarian!” Which is where I'm not allowed to talk and you read a book | 1.2842 | 0.04072 | 183 | 140 | 34 | 9 |
965 | If you put down that book I can show you how to save on your car insurance. | 1.2840 | 0.04332 | 162 | 124 | 30 | 8 |
966 | I said I was sorry. | 1.2838 | 0.04292 | 148 | 111 | 32 | 5 |
967 | Still unconvinced I'm a stand-up guy? | 1.2838 | 0.04184 | 148 | 110 | 34 | 4 |
968 | Comforter, I barely know her | 1.2837 | 0.04425 | 141 | 106 | 30 | 5 |
969 | Anyone here from Ohio? | 1.2837 | 0.04965 | 141 | 111 | 20 | 10 |
970 | Nothing like a little white noise before bed, am I right? | 1.2836 | 0.04570 | 134 | 101 | 28 | 5 |
971 | Tell me again what doctor prescribed stand up comedy to help you sleep. | 1.2835 | 0.04730 | 127 | 96 | 26 | 5 |
972 | Let me entertain you...... | 1.2834 | 0.04083 | 187 | 144 | 33 | 10 |
973 | .....and as I face the final curtain ".Well that didn't work. How about " ain't to proud to beg? | 1.2834 | 0.04012 | 187 | 143 | 35 | 9 |
974 | You’ve been a great audience tonight! | 1.2832 | 0.03894 | 173 | 129 | 39 | 5 |
975 | I'll be here all week, so . . . maybe you can find a good place to stop. | 1.2831 | 0.04509 | 166 | 130 | 25 | 11 |
976 | I am now running for orifice | 1.2831 | 0.04084 | 166 | 125 | 35 | 6 |
977 | I thought you liked audiobooks. | 1.2831 | 0.03807 | 166 | 122 | 41 | 3 |
978 | So, is anyone here from this bedroom? | 1.2826 | 0.03748 | 184 | 137 | 42 | 5 |
979 | I'll be here all weekend. | 1.2825 | 0.04159 | 177 | 136 | 32 | 9 |
980 | I think you're taking the silent treatment thing a bit too far. | 1.2825 | 0.03838 | 177 | 132 | 40 | 5 |
981 | Performance anxiety, anyone here ever had that? | 1.2825 | 0.04081 | 177 | 135 | 34 | 8 |
982 | …And that’s my time. Thanks folks, I hope you enjoyed the show. You can see me next Thursday and Friday at the Silverstein’s in 17F. | 1.2824 | 0.04758 | 131 | 100 | 25 | 6 |
983 | Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight sad and lonely hearts…” | 1.2824 | 0.04190 | 170 | 130 | 32 | 8 |
984 | So well crafted", she thinks, "I can actually hear the character's voice" | 1.2824 | 0.04106 | 170 | 129 | 34 | 7 |
985 | Let me know if you've heard this one before. | 1.2824 | 0.03844 | 170 | 126 | 40 | 4 |
986 | Apparently it wasn't just Rodney who got no respect | 1.2822 | 0.04309 | 163 | 125 | 30 | 8 |
987 | Betty experiences the beta version of a talking book app that went nowhere | 1.2819 | 0.04268 | 149 | 112 | 32 | 5 |
988 | Is it something I said? | 1.2819 | 0.04160 | 149 | 111 | 34 | 4 |
989 | At least the hecklers pay attention to the set | 1.2819 | 0.04268 | 149 | 112 | 32 | 5 |
990 | You see I can perform in bed, can’t I now? | 1.2816 | 0.04043 | 174 | 132 | 35 | 7 |
991 | First, I want you to heckle this naughty boy. | 1.2816 | 0.04043 | 174 | 132 | 35 | 7 |
992 | Tell me if you've heard this one before." | 1.2816 | 0.03788 | 174 | 129 | 41 | 4 |
993 | your profile said GSOH but you haven’t laughed once. | 1.2816 | 0.03875 | 174 | 130 | 39 | 5 |
994 | and she said: "you are a joke in the bed" | 1.2816 | 0.04282 | 174 | 135 | 29 | 10 |
995 | I'm taking requests tonight. | 1.2816 | 0.03821 | 206 | 158 | 38 | 10 |
996 | I'd like to call your attention to the need for a mood enhancer. | 1.2815 | 0.04778 | 135 | 104 | 24 | 7 |
997 | We observational comics are a lonely bunch. | 1.2815 | 0.04418 | 135 | 101 | 30 | 4 |
998 | After 35 years Alice finally turned the tables on Bill and his selective hearing; things escalated quickly | 1.2814 | 0.04322 | 167 | 129 | 29 | 9 |
999 | I like an educated audience. | 1.2812 | 0.03882 | 160 | 118 | 39 | 3 |
1000 | Great to be here at Bob and Bab's bedroom tonight! Hey, guys! Anyone ever get married to your soulmate, only to find out that she suddenly finds you repulsive? Show of hands! | 1.2812 | 0.04359 | 160 | 123 | 29 | 8 |
1001 | I’ll be doing all next week on the couch. | 1.2811 | 0.03731 | 185 | 138 | 42 | 5 |
1002 | Well ladies did you hear the one about the couple who had sex once a year? | 1.2810 | 0.04491 | 153 | 118 | 27 | 8 |
1003 | Let me know if you've heard this one. | 1.2808 | 0.04427 | 146 | 111 | 29 | 6 |
1004 | I’ll be here all week. | 1.2807 | 0.03825 | 171 | 127 | 40 | 4 |
1005 | I've had a lot of requests, but I'm going to sing anyway. | 1.2805 | 0.04286 | 164 | 126 | 30 | 8 |
1006 | Honey, do I really have to introduce the next act? | 1.2804 | 0.03903 | 189 | 144 | 37 | 8 |
1007 | I would thank you for coming, but... | 1.2803 | 0.04965 | 132 | 103 | 21 | 8 |
1008 | Thank you. I'm your husband and I'll be here every night this week | 1.2803 | 0.04318 | 157 | 120 | 30 | 7 |
1009 | Good evening, and welcome to your audio book. | 1.2803 | 0.04318 | 157 | 120 | 30 | 7 |
1010 | Since you’re not listening anyway, I set your favorite carpet on fire and hid it in the backyard. And that haircut makes you look old. | 1.2803 | 0.04503 | 157 | 122 | 26 | 9 |
1011 | And now, ladies and gentlemen, by overwhelming demand I am going to reveal the identity of the killer in the book my beautiful wife is reading. | 1.2802 | 0.04000 | 182 | 139 | 35 | 8 |
1012 | Now THIS is when you’re SUPPOSED to laugh. | 1.2800 | 0.04020 | 200 | 156 | 32 | 12 |
1013 | If I can make it there, I'll make it anywhere | 1.2800 | 0.04027 | 150 | 111 | 36 | 3 |
1014 | Take my sex life,please ---- | 1.2800 | 0.03957 | 200 | 155 | 34 | 11 |
1015 | And she tells me to read the room. | 1.2798 | 0.03849 | 193 | 147 | 38 | 8 |
1016 | It's my 1st time at this venue but you look like a great crowd! | 1.2796 | 0.03942 | 186 | 142 | 36 | 8 |
1017 | Everyone please stand for the National Anthem. | 1.2796 | 0.03942 | 186 | 142 | 36 | 8 |
1018 | Give it up for this next guy! | 1.2795 | 0.03961 | 161 | 120 | 37 | 4 |
1019 | I feel there was more spark when we did Elvis. | 1.2795 | 0.04058 | 161 | 121 | 35 | 5 |
1020 | I need to work on keeping my audience awake. | 1.2795 | 0.04336 | 161 | 124 | 29 | 8 |
1021 | hello? | 1.2795 | 0.04245 | 161 | 123 | 31 | 7 |
1022 | What do I have to do to get your attention? | 1.2795 | 0.04153 | 161 | 122 | 33 | 6 |
1023 | And for my next joke about my wife, I'd like to invite everyone to our bedroom. | 1.2793 | 0.04194 | 179 | 139 | 30 | 10 |
1024 | I don't think this is how audiobooks are supposed to work. | 1.2793 | 0.05456 | 111 | 87 | 17 | 7 |
1025 | Wait, I am reading about different forms of mansplaining | 1.2792 | 0.04068 | 154 | 115 | 35 | 4 |
1026 | It feels like you never wanna hear about my day. | 1.2789 | 0.03813 | 190 | 144 | 39 | 7 |
1027 | Hello…is this thing on. | 1.2789 | 0.04095 | 190 | 148 | 31 | 11 |
1028 | This is not what they mean by audiobook, Sylvia. | 1.2788 | 0.03469 | 208 | 155 | 48 | 5 |
1029 | If I could have your attention, please, I have an important divorce announcement! | 1.2788 | 0.04349 | 165 | 128 | 28 | 9 |
1030 | Thank you very much ladies and ladies. You were a great audience right up until chapter eleven. | 1.2787 | 0.03905 | 183 | 139 | 37 | 7 |
1031 | In conclusion, I would like to thank my devoted wife without whose steadfast support I would not be standing here today. | 1.2787 | 0.04836 | 122 | 93 | 24 | 5 |
1032 | You ever notice how people just aren't on the same page anymore? | 1.2786 | 0.04653 | 140 | 108 | 25 | 7 |
1033 | Turn page | 1.2786 | 0.04762 | 140 | 109 | 23 | 8 |
1034 | Dear listeners, welcome to the grand finale of our in bed reading contest. | 1.2785 | 0.04294 | 158 | 121 | 30 | 7 |
1035 | Anyone here from 46302 East Terrace Court? | 1.2784 | 0.04101 | 194 | 152 | 30 | 12 |
1036 | I’d like to propose a toast to the elephant the room | 1.2782 | 0.04695 | 133 | 102 | 25 | 6 |
1037 | Finish the chapter, the ventriloquist is waiting to go on. | 1.2781 | 0.04004 | 151 | 112 | 36 | 3 |
1038 | You are a great audience. I will be here all week. | 1.2781 | 0.04004 | 151 | 112 | 36 | 3 |
1039 | I see you’re reading a book about anti-gravity…you can’t put it done. | 1.2781 | 0.04423 | 151 | 116 | 28 | 7 |
1040 | Actually, you are just an imaginary character in my audience." | 1.2781 | 0.04219 | 151 | 114 | 32 | 5 |
1041 | That's some next level heckling. | 1.2781 | 0.04358 | 169 | 132 | 27 | 10 |
1042 | I miss the days when you would tell me you had a headache. | 1.2778 | 0.04312 | 162 | 125 | 29 | 8 |
1043 | Please clap your insecurities together and welcome next to the stage: everything you’ve ever said and regretted on repeat for the rest of the night. | 1.2778 | 0.04312 | 162 | 125 | 29 | 8 |
1044 | Apparently, sense of humor isn't what you're really looking for. | 1.2775 | 0.04441 | 173 | 137 | 24 | 12 |
1045 | Man, my wife's into books... HOW into books is she, you ask? | 1.2775 | 0.04208 | 173 | 134 | 30 | 9 |
1046 | So do we have any frigid librarians from Wichita here tonight? | 1.2774 | 0.04602 | 137 | 105 | 26 | 6 |
1047 | This one goes out to all you ladies wishing for a new man in your bedroom tonight ... | 1.2774 | 0.04940 | 137 | 108 | 20 | 9 |
1048 | I'll tell ya I'm all right now, but last week I was in rough shape. My wife told me she wanted to try roleplay in the bedroom — only I'd be Rodney Dangerfield, and she'd be his uninterested wife! | 1.2771 | 0.04326 | 166 | 129 | 28 | 9 |
1049 | And here’s one for the pretty woman in the bed. | 1.2767 | 0.04177 | 159 | 121 | 32 | 6 |
1050 | Please feign some interest, we’re live in 30 seconds. | 1.2767 | 0.03880 | 159 | 118 | 38 | 3 |
1051 | and I’ll tell ya somethn else: I don’t get no respect. | 1.2766 | 0.03905 | 188 | 144 | 36 | 8 |
1052 | Tonight, do you want me to do stand up, or lie down? | 1.2765 | 0.03824 | 170 | 127 | 39 | 4 |
1053 | Is it cool if I take my cock out? | 1.2764 | 0.03695 | 199 | 151 | 41 | 7 |
1054 | What's my next line? | 1.2763 | 0.04195 | 152 | 115 | 32 | 5 |
1055 | A funny thing happened on the way to divorce. | 1.2763 | 0.04592 | 152 | 119 | 24 | 9 |
1056 | Anyone out there? I can hear you reading. | 1.2763 | 0.04090 | 152 | 114 | 34 | 4 |
1057 | I thought you’d be more interested considering you’re the one who told me my performance in bed needs work. | 1.2763 | 0.04090 | 152 | 114 | 34 | 4 |
1058 | Testing, testing, one two three… testing your patience. | 1.2762 | 0.04507 | 181 | 146 | 20 | 15 |
1059 | If you won't laugh, can you at least heckle? | 1.2762 | 0.04153 | 181 | 141 | 30 | 10 |
1060 | I tell ya I get no respect, no respect. | 1.2761 | 0.04784 | 134 | 104 | 23 | 7 |
1061 | Let me close by saying, you're one boring spouse. | 1.2761 | 0.04109 | 163 | 124 | 33 | 6 |
1062 | I just recently became divorced.” | 1.2761 | 0.04109 | 163 | 124 | 33 | 6 |
1063 | A funny thing happened on the way from the bathroom. | 1.2759 | 0.04208 | 145 | 109 | 32 | 4 |
1064 | So, where ya from? | 1.2759 | 0.04743 | 145 | 114 | 22 | 9 |
1065 | No, the Edward R Murrow schtick is not going to do it tonight | 1.2759 | 0.04025 | 174 | 133 | 34 | 7 |
1066 | I may just be a figment of your imagination, but you don't seem to have much else going on. | 1.2757 | 0.04231 | 185 | 146 | 27 | 12 |
1067 | If you like my act, don't look up from your book. | 1.2756 | 0.04832 | 127 | 98 | 23 | 6 |
1068 | It's just so humbling to get this kind of reception in my own hometown. | 1.2755 | 0.03728 | 196 | 149 | 40 | 7 |
1069 | There once was a man from Nantucket... | 1.2754 | 0.04084 | 138 | 102 | 34 | 2 |
1070 | Tough crowd, I tell ya. I haven't had to work a room like this since my honeym-- oh, right. | 1.2752 | 0.03910 | 149 | 110 | 37 | 2 |
1071 | This bit killed with my ex-wife. | 1.2752 | 0.03910 | 149 | 110 | 37 | 2 |
1072 | So is anyone here visiting from the living room? | 1.2752 | 0.04136 | 149 | 112 | 33 | 4 |
1073 | Pleased everyone could make it tonight after a grueling day of yoga and watching reality TV. Frank Buckley Andover MA | 1.2750 | 0.04068 | 200 | 158 | 29 | 13 |
1074 | Sorry, this is my first one mic stand... | 1.2749 | 0.04233 | 171 | 133 | 29 | 9 |
1075 | You’ve been a great audience. A shout-out to our super-firm mattress. Good night | 1.2747 | 0.03906 | 182 | 139 | 36 | 7 |
1076 | So I said to the man, "Take my wife---Please!!...or at least her book." | 1.2746 | 0.04703 | 142 | 111 | 23 | 8 |
1077 | I get the feeling this is going to be a one-night standup. | 1.2746 | 0.04373 | 142 | 108 | 29 | 5 |
1078 | You won't let Amazon's Alexa in your bedroom - but a game show host is somehow OK? | 1.2746 | 0.04257 | 142 | 107 | 31 | 4 |
1079 | I hope that you like my lullaby | 1.2746 | 0.03616 | 193 | 145 | 43 | 5 |
1080 | Hey there. You with that book in your hands. | 1.2745 | 0.03960 | 153 | 114 | 36 | 3 |
1081 | Have you ever noticed how some people consummate their marriage? | 1.2745 | 0.04172 | 153 | 116 | 32 | 5 |
1082 | It's really great to be back here again! | 1.2744 | 0.04087 | 164 | 125 | 33 | 6 |
1083 | Spoiler Alert: It was the lounge singer, in the bedroom, with the Old Fashioned glass. | 1.2744 | 0.04353 | 164 | 128 | 27 | 9 |
1084 | Why did I marry a stand-up comic? | 1.2742 | 0.03925 | 186 | 143 | 35 | 8 |
1085 | ...then my agent says to me, Mr. Sandman, I got you the perfect gig. | 1.2742 | 0.04336 | 124 | 92 | 30 | 2 |
1086 | I dedicate this cover song to my wife. | 1.2742 | 0.04629 | 124 | 94 | 26 | 4 |
1087 | Is this thing a turn on? | 1.2741 | 0.03641 | 197 | 149 | 42 | 6 |
1088 | I don't mean to interrupt, but I'm home. | 1.2740 | 0.04509 | 146 | 113 | 26 | 7 |
1089 | Hold your applause. | 1.2740 | 0.04403 | 146 | 112 | 28 | 6 |
1090 | Any avid readers out there tonight? | 1.2738 | 0.03933 | 168 | 127 | 36 | 5 |
1091 | First, I want to apologize for my behavior this afternoon. Then, I would like to sing a sad love song. | 1.2737 | 0.03699 | 179 | 134 | 41 | 4 |
1092 | Lucy, I'm home. Lucy?! LUCY!! | 1.2737 | 0.03797 | 190 | 145 | 38 | 7 |
1093 | I thought you wanted me to be a stand-up guy. | 1.2734 | 0.04925 | 128 | 100 | 21 | 7 |
1094 | Always that heckler with a romance novel. | 1.2734 | 0.04668 | 128 | 98 | 25 | 5 |
1095 | Honestly folks, I wouldn't be up here tonight if not for my wife who insists I tell her jokes until she falls asleep | 1.2733 | 0.04427 | 150 | 116 | 27 | 7 |
1096 | I hear you were stood up tonight. | 1.2733 | 0.04225 | 161 | 124 | 30 | 7 |
1097 | Looking intently at the page, Caroline realized that her life could be so much better if she left her wanna-be stand-up comedian of a husband. | 1.2733 | 0.04225 | 161 | 124 | 30 | 7 |
1098 | Good evening and welcome to my bedtime routine. | 1.2733 | 0.04132 | 161 | 123 | 32 | 6 |
1099 | Hey lady, I'm paying you for the night - the least you can do is pay attention. | 1.2732 | 0.03673 | 194 | 147 | 41 | 6 |
1100 | I know I’m bombing up here. I can read the room. | 1.2727 | 0.03985 | 176 | 135 | 34 | 7 |
1101 | So, are any of you from out of town? | 1.2727 | 0.04155 | 165 | 127 | 31 | 7 |
1102 | And now, by special request, I'm going to shut my stupid mouth! | 1.2727 | 0.03727 | 231 | 182 | 35 | 14 |
1103 | What's a guy gotta do around here to get heckled? | 1.2727 | 0.04539 | 154 | 121 | 24 | 9 |
1104 | Could you heckle at least? | 1.2727 | 0.04114 | 143 | 107 | 33 | 3 |
1105 | I see the lady in the front row is out late on a school night. | 1.2727 | 0.03985 | 176 | 135 | 34 | 7 |
1106 | Babe, are you sure the guy at the mall was a real couple therapist? | 1.2727 | 0.04148 | 154 | 117 | 32 | 5 |
1107 | My next guest needs no introduction, she's three and ready to be tucked into bed." | 1.2727 | 0.04674 | 143 | 112 | 23 | 8 |
1108 | Stand up isn’t what I meant when I asked if he could get it up in the bedroom tonight. | 1.2722 | 0.04156 | 180 | 141 | 29 | 10 |
1109 | You're reading too much into my jokes. | 1.2722 | 0.04340 | 169 | 133 | 26 | 10 |
1110 | I’ve played a lot of tough rooms, but nothing like this. | 1.2717 | 0.03792 | 184 | 140 | 38 | 6 |
1111 | I’d first like to thank you for allowing us into your bedroom this evening. It’s an honor and not something we take lightly. | 1.2717 | 0.03767 | 173 | 130 | 39 | 4 |
1112 | This is eerily similar to the dream, except for the clothes, of course. | 1.2716 | 0.04015 | 162 | 123 | 34 | 5 |
1113 | Our sex life is the real joke. | 1.2715 | 0.04500 | 151 | 118 | 25 | 8 |
1114 | Anyone here tonight from Iowa? | 1.2715 | 0.04195 | 151 | 115 | 31 | 5 |
1115 | This used to make you laugh. | 1.2713 | 0.04505 | 129 | 98 | 27 | 4 |
1116 | And here, ladies and gentlemen, we have a single woman in her clean home, completely at peace. | 1.2711 | 0.04221 | 166 | 129 | 29 | 8 |
1117 | The guys at the club said I should put my jokes to bed. | 1.2711 | 0.04307 | 166 | 130 | 27 | 9 |
1118 | I'm here all week. | 1.2710 | 0.03576 | 214 | 164 | 42 | 8 |
1119 | Now hear this! It’s time for bed, put the book down. | 1.2710 | 0.04125 | 155 | 118 | 32 | 5 |
1120 | And next I’d like to thank my wife, for always keeping me grounded. | 1.2710 | 0.04225 | 155 | 119 | 30 | 6 |
1121 | Ever feel like you’re invisible in your own home? | 1.2708 | 0.04540 | 144 | 112 | 25 | 7 |
1122 | 'I've been married three times,and I'm still on the same monologue!' | 1.2707 | 0.04544 | 133 | 102 | 26 | 5 |
1123 | So a comedian walks into a bed ... | 1.2707 | 0.04417 | 133 | 101 | 28 | 4 |
1124 | I just flew in from New York and boy is my wife tired. Take my arms, please. | 1.2707 | 0.04668 | 133 | 103 | 24 | 6 |
1125 | The real joke tonight will be when your husband comes home. | 1.2707 | 0.04286 | 133 | 100 | 30 | 3 |
1126 | 'During tonight's episode of 'No Sex in the City" ,my wife Shelly will be reading from "Wuthering Heights" | 1.2707 | 0.04417 | 133 | 101 | 28 | 4 |
1127 | Good book, huh? Real page-turner, am I right? I read a book once. Want me to tell you about it? Hello? Work with me here, would ya, jeez.... | 1.2706 | 0.03894 | 170 | 129 | 36 | 5 |
1128 | Honey, I want to give you a hint about our next vacation, but first you need to give your Bucharest. | 1.2706 | 0.04236 | 170 | 133 | 28 | 9 |
1129 | ... and tonight's agenda is: reading, snuggling followed by drifting off | 1.2705 | 0.04804 | 122 | 94 | 23 | 5 |
1130 | So my agent calls and says I've got this intimate little venue for you. | 1.2705 | 0.04361 | 122 | 91 | 29 | 2 |
1131 | The therapist said foreplay should be fun for both of us. | 1.2705 | 0.04804 | 122 | 94 | 23 | 5 |
1132 | This isn't what I had in mind when you invited me into your bedroom. | 1.2704 | 0.04058 | 159 | 121 | 33 | 5 |
1133 | I know I didn't notice your new haircut but this feels too rough. | 1.2703 | 0.04351 | 148 | 114 | 28 | 6 |
1134 | My wife says she can read me like a book. | 1.2703 | 0.04351 | 148 | 114 | 28 | 6 |
1135 | You said I should try to be more vulnerable in bed. | 1.2701 | 0.03606 | 211 | 162 | 41 | 8 |
1136 | …and our guest on, A book at bedtime, this week is | 1.2701 | 0.03659 | 174 | 130 | 41 | 3 |
1137 | My new bedtime routine is not working out. | 1.2701 | 0.03922 | 174 | 133 | 35 | 6 |
1138 | I know you want to break into stand up but I think you’re better suited to lay down | 1.2701 | 0.03473 | 174 | 128 | 45 | 1 |
1139 | This is the last time I book a bedroom community. | 1.2701 | 0.04576 | 137 | 106 | 25 | 6 |
1140 | Tough crowd. I'll come to bed when I get a laugh. OK a giggle. OK I'll drink in the living room. | 1.2701 | 0.04576 | 137 | 106 | 25 | 6 |
1141 | Let me know if you find anything funny. | 1.2701 | 0.04457 | 137 | 105 | 27 | 5 |
1142 | What do my audiences and my wife have in common? They'd both rather be curled up in bed with a good book. | 1.2699 | 0.04357 | 163 | 128 | 26 | 9 |
1143 | Check the fine print. This audiobook comes with a two drink minimum. | 1.2698 | 0.04702 | 126 | 97 | 24 | 5 |
1144 | It's great to be here on the opening - and apparently closing - night of the Bedroom Club. | 1.2698 | 0.04014 | 189 | 148 | 31 | 10 |
1145 | Tonight’s anxiety dreams brought to you by workplace embarrassment and narrated by your father. | 1.2698 | 0.03943 | 189 | 147 | 33 | 9 |
1146 | I said I wanted Magic Mike, not open mic. | 1.2698 | 0.04965 | 126 | 99 | 20 | 7 |
1147 | Can I be here all night? | 1.2697 | 0.04066 | 152 | 115 | 33 | 4 |
1148 | I just got back from a pleasure trip-took my Mother-in-Law to the airport! | 1.2697 | 0.04180 | 178 | 140 | 28 | 10 |
1149 | Regrets, I’ve had a few…la daa la dada da da | 1.2695 | 0.04135 | 141 | 106 | 32 | 3 |
1150 | Just cause you said no to fetish gear doesn’t mean I don’t want to be humiliated. | 1.2695 | 0.04488 | 141 | 109 | 26 | 6 |
1151 | Are there any nymphomaniacs in the audience tonight? | 1.2695 | 0.04367 | 167 | 132 | 25 | 10 |
1152 | Please, sweetie. I helped you out with your TikTok videos. | 1.2695 | 0.04112 | 167 | 129 | 31 | 7 |
1153 | This is my final offer. | 1.2692 | 0.04000 | 156 | 118 | 34 | 4 |
1154 | We should do this more often. | 1.2692 | 0.04299 | 156 | 121 | 28 | 7 |
1155 | At least here I’m a headliner | 1.2692 | 0.04394 | 156 | 122 | 26 | 8 |
1156 | Hey honey, how do you like the "stand-up" position? | 1.2692 | 0.04202 | 156 | 120 | 30 | 6 |
1157 | ‘You said you wanted a Youngman in the bedroom again.’ | 1.2692 | 0.04734 | 130 | 101 | 23 | 6 |
1158 | This is where the magic used to happen | 1.2692 | 0.03636 | 208 | 160 | 40 | 8 |
1159 | ..snd I’ll do it my-y-y way..” | 1.2690 | 0.03874 | 171 | 130 | 36 | 5 |
1160 | A funny thing happened to me on the way to bed tonight… | 1.2690 | 0.04295 | 145 | 111 | 29 | 5 |
1161 | That’s not what I meant when I said I wanted to do it standing up, George. | 1.2690 | 0.04617 | 145 | 114 | 23 | 8 |
1162 | I thought you’d stay till the finale | 1.2688 | 0.04036 | 160 | 122 | 33 | 5 |
1163 | I don't understand what gives you headaches every night. | 1.2688 | 0.04036 | 160 | 122 | 33 | 5 |
1164 | I guess you heard that one before | 1.2687 | 0.04389 | 134 | 102 | 28 | 4 |
1165 | This is a tough room | 1.2686 | 0.03731 | 175 | 132 | 39 | 4 |
1166 | So I once dated a girl named Dian. Obviously that’s not her real name, but here’s what really pissed me off | 1.2686 | 0.04226 | 175 | 138 | 27 | 10 |
1167 | "I'm your husband's warm-up act. You said he's bad at foreplay." | 1.2685 | 0.04530 | 149 | 117 | 24 | 8 |
1168 | Hi, I am the person who wrote the book you are reading | 1.2685 | 0.04219 | 149 | 114 | 30 | 5 |
1169 | And it's good to see some familiar faces out there. | 1.2683 | 0.04157 | 164 | 127 | 30 | 7 |
1170 | A round of applause was all I was hoping for. | 1.2683 | 0.03780 | 164 | 123 | 38 | 3 |
1171 | Folks, this is sign language for she just wants to be left alone | 1.2683 | 0.04628 | 123 | 94 | 25 | 4 |
1172 | So. Where are you all from? | 1.2683 | 0.04157 | 164 | 127 | 30 | 7 |
1173 | Take me wife . . . | 1.2682 | 0.04006 | 179 | 139 | 32 | 8 |
1174 | How many of you are from out of town? | 1.2682 | 0.03846 | 179 | 137 | 36 | 6 |
1175 | I've heard of "sing for your supper," but this takes the cake! | 1.2682 | 0.03679 | 179 | 135 | 40 | 4 |
1176 | So how’s my performance on bed? | 1.2680 | 0.04544 | 153 | 121 | 23 | 9 |
1177 | Hello, I'll be here until death do us part. | 1.2680 | 0.04148 | 153 | 117 | 31 | 5 |
1178 | Just to let you know,I have performance anxiety”… | 1.2680 | 0.04250 | 153 | 118 | 29 | 6 |
1179 | My early show is better. | 1.2680 | 0.04448 | 153 | 120 | 25 | 8 |
1180 | This isn’t what I had in mind when you said “one-night stand.” | 1.2679 | 0.04344 | 168 | 133 | 25 | 10 |
1181 | Can you hear me alright out there? | 1.2678 | 0.04022 | 183 | 143 | 31 | 9 |
1182 | It was so hot today…”. “Jane, baby, that’s your cue. | 1.2678 | 0.03870 | 183 | 141 | 35 | 7 |
1183 | So this girl's dating profile says she is attracted to men with a sense of humor. Turns out it's only funny guys who look like Brad Pitt. Thank you, I'll be here all night. | 1.2676 | 0.04460 | 142 | 110 | 26 | 6 |
1184 | You were the one who wanted to role play. | 1.2676 | 0.04347 | 142 | 109 | 28 | 5 |
1185 | I'm picturing the audience in their underwear right now...I know you're out there,I hear you breathing. | 1.2675 | 0.04080 | 157 | 120 | 32 | 5 |
1186 | I'll pause while you look up that last joke. | 1.2675 | 0.03658 | 157 | 116 | 40 | 1 |
1187 | I'll be here till death do us part. | 1.2674 | 0.03674 | 172 | 129 | 40 | 3 |
1188 | Hello, everyone. I’m James and I will be playing the role of the frustrated husband this evening. | 1.2673 | 0.03765 | 202 | 157 | 36 | 9 |
1189 | So, do we have anyone in the audience tonight from the second floor bedroom at 42 Sunset Avenue? | 1.2672 | 0.05101 | 116 | 91 | 19 | 6 |
1190 | Look on the bright side, I could have said I wanted to be a mime." | 1.2672 | 0.04825 | 131 | 103 | 21 | 7 |
1191 | I prefer a lie-down routine to stand-up act. | 1.2672 | 0.04445 | 131 | 100 | 27 | 4 |
1192 | You have been great audience, and I'll be appearing later this evening in the bathroom. | 1.2672 | 0.04575 | 131 | 101 | 25 | 5 |
1193 | The only difference is here you pay a covers charge. | 1.2672 | 0.04445 | 131 | 100 | 27 | 4 |
1194 | My wife is so frigid... | 1.2671 | 0.04485 | 146 | 114 | 25 | 7 |
1195 | Yeah? Well my caption made it into The New Yorker so I think I'm qualified now. | 1.2671 | 0.04589 | 146 | 115 | 23 | 8 |
1196 | Folks, she just turned the page. | 1.2671 | 0.04042 | 146 | 110 | 33 | 3 |
1197 | You're a tough crowd tonight, folks. | 1.2671 | 0.04485 | 146 | 114 | 25 | 7 |
1198 | Now here's my impression of a mediocre white man. | 1.2671 | 0.04157 | 146 | 111 | 31 | 4 |
1199 | It’ll be refreshing to hear you laugh at what’s ABOVE the covers. | 1.2671 | 0.04042 | 146 | 110 | 33 | 3 |
1200 | But seriously, what‘s the deal with One Night Stand-Ups? | 1.2670 | 0.04430 | 176 | 142 | 21 | 13 |
1201 | Now that I have your partial attention....... | 1.2667 | 0.04694 | 120 | 92 | 24 | 4 |
1202 | So, I guess what I am trying to say is, "Do you even know I'm here?" | 1.2667 | 0.03559 | 165 | 122 | 42 | 1 |
1203 | What's the deal with bedside lamps people? Are they too bright, not bright enough? | 1.2667 | 0.04087 | 150 | 114 | 32 | 4 |
1204 | I’ve heard of bad audiences BUT THIS IS RIDICULOUS! | 1.2667 | 0.03852 | 195 | 152 | 34 | 9 |
1205 | Not a fan of stand-up comedy, or is it my delivery? | 1.2663 | 0.04155 | 169 | 132 | 29 | 8 |
1206 | Testing one, two. I want a divorce. | 1.2662 | 0.04281 | 139 | 106 | 29 | 4 |
1207 | " If you enjoyed the show, you can catch me any night this week. | 1.2659 | 0.03563 | 173 | 129 | 42 | 2 |
1208 | I thought you liked the Late Show. | 1.2658 | 0.03957 | 158 | 120 | 34 | 4 |
1209 | I don't think this microphone is working. | 1.2656 | 0.04221 | 128 | 96 | 30 | 2 |
1210 | Not, me dear. I am leading a life of 'loud exasperation'. | 1.2656 | 0.04503 | 128 | 98 | 26 | 4 |
1211 | technically a full house | 1.2655 | 0.03780 | 177 | 135 | 37 | 5 |
1212 | So without further ado, please raise your glasses and join me in saying good night. | 1.2654 | 0.03993 | 162 | 124 | 33 | 5 |
1213 | So what's the deal with indifferent wives? | 1.2654 | 0.04088 | 162 | 125 | 31 | 6 |
1214 | You're sure the line says "jerkoff"? | 1.2654 | 0.04088 | 162 | 125 | 31 | 6 |
1215 | Thank you for choosing Read-Along: LIVE. | 1.2654 | 0.04271 | 162 | 127 | 27 | 8 |
1216 | Don’t forget, there’s a five dollar cover charge | 1.2654 | 0.04088 | 162 | 125 | 31 | 6 |
1217 | We misread this one completely." | 1.2653 | 0.04244 | 147 | 113 | 29 | 5 |
1218 | And that’s when I said, “liquor, I barely know her!” | 1.2653 | 0.04018 | 147 | 111 | 33 | 3 |
1219 | Hey, how about you read the ROOM lady. | 1.2653 | 0.04352 | 147 | 114 | 27 | 6 |
1220 | A woman reading a book walks into a bar... | 1.2652 | 0.04193 | 181 | 144 | 26 | 11 |
1221 | Seriously, Marge, is that your idea of having fun between the covers? | 1.2652 | 0.04283 | 132 | 100 | 29 | 3 |
1222 | Foreplay. Who knows what I'm talking about? | 1.2652 | 0.04146 | 132 | 99 | 31 | 2 |
1223 | And now the event we’ve all been waiting for | 1.2652 | 0.04545 | 132 | 102 | 25 | 5 |
1224 | Because I only do covers? | 1.2652 | 0.04545 | 132 | 102 | 25 | 5 |
1225 | Keep ignoring him – keep ignoring him – keep ignoring him… | 1.2652 | 0.04416 | 132 | 101 | 27 | 4 |
1226 | If you wouldn't mind looking up for a moment, I'd love to wish us a happy anniversary. | 1.2651 | 0.04371 | 166 | 132 | 24 | 10 |
1227 | I know how to read the audience | 1.2651 | 0.04201 | 166 | 130 | 28 | 8 |
1228 | Honey which chapter did we end with last night? | 1.2650 | 0.04443 | 117 | 88 | 27 | 2 |
1229 | My wife said she wanted to be a virgin until she got married. I thought she meant to me. | 1.2649 | 0.04764 | 151 | 122 | 18 | 11 |
1230 | Emily, this is your husband speaking. Could I please have your attention for a minute to ask you what suit and tie I should wear tomorrow? | 1.2649 | 0.04378 | 151 | 118 | 26 | 7 |
1231 | Your water's nice, but we still have a two-drink minimum. | 1.2647 | 0.03782 | 170 | 129 | 37 | 4 |
1232 | When stand up comedians make home visits!!! | 1.2647 | 0.04457 | 136 | 105 | 26 | 5 |
1233 | I figured I'd attempt to get you to laugh in bed on purpose with my pants on for a change. | 1.2647 | 0.04695 | 136 | 107 | 22 | 7 |
1234 | Good book? | 1.2647 | 0.03873 | 170 | 130 | 35 | 5 |
1235 | Was that a heckle or did you turn the page? | 1.2645 | 0.04202 | 155 | 120 | 29 | 6 |
1236 | If I could have your attention for just a moment... | 1.2645 | 0.03998 | 155 | 118 | 33 | 4 |
1237 | If I could have your attention. . . | 1.2644 | 0.03728 | 174 | 132 | 38 | 4 |
1238 | Hey, I was in in Hoboken last night and it’s going to be great to be in Charlotte tonight. | 1.2643 | 0.04602 | 140 | 110 | 23 | 7 |
1239 | Any 'readers' in your house tonight? | 1.2643 | 0.04373 | 140 | 108 | 27 | 5 |
1240 | Welcome to your trial month of Audible Direct! | 1.2642 | 0.03940 | 193 | 152 | 31 | 10 |
1241 | Apparently, my wife doesn't like how I perform in the bedroom. | 1.2642 | 0.03833 | 159 | 120 | 36 | 3 |
1242 | So then she told me - read the room! | 1.2642 | 0.03833 | 159 | 120 | 36 | 3 |
1243 | Welcome to the enhanced audio book experience... | 1.2642 | 0.04035 | 159 | 122 | 32 | 5 |
1244 | If you liked the show, I will be in the living room next Sunday, on the backyard patio on Tuesday and a rare (not to be missed) garage performance on the fifteenth! | 1.2642 | 0.04035 | 159 | 122 | 32 | 5 |
1245 | Ahem, I'll need total focus from those in the front row. | 1.2642 | 0.04035 | 159 | 122 | 32 | 5 |
1246 | Good evening. I'd like to introduce myself-I'm your husband. | 1.2640 | 0.04839 | 125 | 98 | 21 | 6 |
1247 | Performing in bed it’s not what it used to be thought Joe | 1.2640 | 0.04970 | 125 | 99 | 19 | 7 |
1248 | Alice, we all enjoy an audio book, but I feel ridiculous. | 1.2639 | 0.04515 | 144 | 113 | 24 | 7 |
1249 | You know, I have a very popular podcast. | 1.2639 | 0.04294 | 144 | 111 | 28 | 5 |
1250 | I believe this is the only time you haven’t laughed at me in bed. | 1.2639 | 0.04294 | 144 | 111 | 28 | 5 |
1251 | It would help my performance if the audience was engaged | 1.2638 | 0.04066 | 163 | 126 | 31 | 6 |
1252 | I meant I perform better ON bed than on stage! | 1.2638 | 0.03972 | 163 | 125 | 33 | 5 |
1253 | You have told me to stand up for myself, Susan.. | 1.2638 | 0.03972 | 163 | 125 | 33 | 5 |
1254 | Is anyone here in the doghouse? Just me? | 1.2637 | 0.04024 | 182 | 143 | 30 | 9 |
1255 | Of course I’m listening Albert! | 1.2637 | 0.03710 | 182 | 139 | 38 | 5 |
1256 | This place is always overbooked. | 1.2636 | 0.04948 | 110 | 85 | 21 | 4 |
1257 | Apparently you're not interested in oral sex. | 1.2636 | 0.04607 | 129 | 100 | 24 | 5 |
1258 | And you're sure hearing my acceptance speech again will help you with your insomnia? | 1.2636 | 0.04473 | 129 | 99 | 26 | 4 |
1259 | Can you hear me now? I’m home! | 1.2635 | 0.04219 | 148 | 114 | 29 | 5 |
1260 | I prefer the clinking of ice in glasses to the sound of pages being turned. | 1.2635 | 0.04219 | 148 | 114 | 29 | 5 |
1261 | Any requests from the audience...please? | 1.2635 | 0.04179 | 167 | 131 | 28 | 8 |
1262 | Well the guys at the office think I'm hilarious. | 1.2635 | 0.04264 | 167 | 132 | 26 | 9 |
1263 | After that run in with the ghost from husband’s past, the ghost of husbands future seems wayyy less exciting. | 1.2635 | 0.04091 | 167 | 130 | 30 | 7 |
1264 | While some people have an internal dialogue, Emily has an external monologue. | 1.2634 | 0.04037 | 186 | 147 | 29 | 10 |
1265 | Oh, yeah? Well, you move your lips when you read. | 1.2632 | 0.04251 | 152 | 118 | 28 | 6 |
1266 | Sweetie? I’m not in the book. | 1.2632 | 0.04147 | 152 | 117 | 30 | 5 |
1267 | You've been a great audience, and next Thursday you can catch my stand-up routine in the bathroom | 1.2632 | 0.04028 | 171 | 133 | 31 | 7 |
1268 | A priest, a rabbi, and a frigid wife walk into a bar... | 1.2632 | 0.04515 | 133 | 103 | 25 | 5 |
1269 | I also can juggle. | 1.2632 | 0.03763 | 190 | 147 | 36 | 7 |
1270 | A staged marriage. | 1.2632 | 0.04515 | 133 | 103 | 25 | 5 |
1271 | So, my wife hasn't been paying attention to me." | 1.2629 | 0.03797 | 175 | 134 | 36 | 5 |
1272 | Susan, there's no funny way to say this, but I'm leaving you. | 1.2629 | 0.03967 | 175 | 136 | 32 | 7 |
1273 | You can finish your book. I'll be here all week. | 1.2628 | 0.03976 | 156 | 119 | 33 | 4 |
1274 | Hey! Let's get naked and do what married people do. | 1.2628 | 0.04179 | 137 | 104 | 30 | 3 |
1275 | There will now be a 15 minute break for some evening delight. | 1.2628 | 0.04548 | 137 | 107 | 24 | 6 |
1276 | Even some heckling would be appreciated | 1.2627 | 0.05025 | 118 | 93 | 19 | 6 |
1277 | This is my last gig without a cover charge. | 1.2625 | 0.04297 | 160 | 126 | 26 | 8 |
1278 | Yes, this is my smallest audience so far. | 1.2625 | 0.04297 | 160 | 126 | 26 | 8 |
1279 | Now, for your next request, "You Light up My Life". | 1.2625 | 0.04013 | 160 | 123 | 32 | 5 |
1280 | I just flew in from the bathroom and boy are my arms tired | 1.2625 | 0.04013 | 160 | 123 | 32 | 5 |
1281 | I'm glad that you're enjoying your book, but there's still a two drink minimum. | 1.2624 | 0.04346 | 141 | 109 | 27 | 5 |
1282 | At least I'm not putting you to sleep. | 1.2622 | 0.04483 | 164 | 132 | 21 | 11 |
1283 | You don't have to say my monologue is boring, I can read you like a book. | 1.2622 | 0.04136 | 164 | 128 | 29 | 7 |
1284 | Can't we just turn on the radio? | 1.2621 | 0.04593 | 145 | 115 | 22 | 8 |
1285 | I will start with a personal anecdote. My wife was reading in bed when… | 1.2621 | 0.04379 | 145 | 113 | 26 | 6 |
1286 | ... and those illustrated positions could significantly change the outcome of the evening... Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk. | 1.2621 | 0.04268 | 145 | 112 | 28 | 5 |
1287 | Hello, Is this on? | 1.2621 | 0.04487 | 145 | 114 | 24 | 7 |
1288 | I’m pretending to read here, Craig! | 1.2621 | 0.04593 | 145 | 115 | 22 | 8 |
1289 | I think you are missing the point of an audio book. | 1.2620 | 0.03946 | 187 | 147 | 31 | 9 |
1290 | If you came out to avoid your spouse, let me hear some noise. | 1.2619 | 0.04671 | 126 | 98 | 23 | 5 |
1291 | Lady in the back left with the glasses. Care to share with the rest of us what's so interesting in that book? I'm dying up here! | 1.2619 | 0.03982 | 168 | 130 | 32 | 6 |
1292 | I don’t think this is what they mean by ‘audio book.’ | 1.2619 | 0.04390 | 126 | 96 | 27 | 3 |
1293 | If this thing doesn’t get her attention I don’t know what will | 1.2619 | 0.03798 | 168 | 128 | 36 | 4 |
1294 | What a crowd, what a crowd. | 1.2618 | 0.03818 | 191 | 149 | 34 | 8 |
1295 | Did you hear the one about the passive aggressive heckler? | 1.2618 | 0.03746 | 191 | 148 | 36 | 7 |
1296 | so a man walks into a bar without his wedding ring | 1.2617 | 0.04085 | 149 | 114 | 31 | 4 |
1297 | Anyone here from out of town tonight?” | 1.2617 | 0.03972 | 149 | 113 | 33 | 3 |
1298 | You said our sex life was like a one person comedy show, so thought I’d really do it up right tonight. | 1.2616 | 0.03834 | 172 | 132 | 35 | 5 |
1299 | Tough audience tonight | 1.2616 | 0.03652 | 172 | 130 | 39 | 3 |
1300 | Well, why not? You’re not a very good stripper, either. | 1.2615 | 0.04575 | 130 | 101 | 24 | 5 |
1301 | Whoa, whoa, tough crowd I tell ya. My wife ignores soo much I pretend to be a comedian just to be heckled. | 1.2614 | 0.04327 | 153 | 120 | 26 | 7 |
1302 | Folks, there are only three things you can do in bed... | 1.2614 | 0.03779 | 176 | 135 | 36 | 5 |
1303 | If this isn’t a good time I can come back later. Whataya say? | 1.2614 | 0.03864 | 176 | 136 | 34 | 6 |
1304 | “Are you almost done with that spotlight?” | 1.2613 | 0.05073 | 111 | 87 | 19 | 5 |
1305 | I have a very important announcement to make. | 1.2612 | 0.04228 | 134 | 102 | 29 | 3 |
1306 | Sometimes I don't feel heard in this relationship, Linda. | 1.2612 | 0.04228 | 134 | 102 | 29 | 3 |
1307 | My wife sleeps on her back but I prefer to stand-up. | 1.2612 | 0.04359 | 134 | 103 | 27 | 4 |
1308 | Great to see our old friend Cindy in the house. Case you've forgotten, I'm your husband Bob. | 1.2611 | 0.03954 | 157 | 120 | 33 | 4 |
1309 | Any of you out there married? Raise your hand. | 1.2609 | 0.04519 | 138 | 108 | 24 | 6 |
1310 | And now, reading from her book, "My Boyfriend Doesn't Get It," Jenna Girl X! | 1.2609 | 0.04747 | 138 | 110 | 20 | 8 |
1311 | Looks like a tough audience, I hope it's not Jodi Picoult or Steven King tonight. | 1.2609 | 0.04088 | 161 | 125 | 30 | 6 |
1312 | I am enunciating and you are still ignoring. | 1.2609 | 0.04400 | 138 | 107 | 26 | 5 |
1313 | And how about those husbands who forget their own anniversaries? Are they in trouble or what? | 1.2609 | 0.04400 | 138 | 107 | 26 | 5 |
1314 | I don’t want to alarm you, but the cocktail isn’t the only thing that’s stiff tonight. | 1.2609 | 0.03748 | 207 | 163 | 34 | 10 |
1315 | She turned the page, like she'd done it a thousand times before.." "Larry, please stop! | 1.2609 | 0.03992 | 161 | 124 | 32 | 5 |
1316 | What's the deal with nightstands? | 1.2609 | 0.04635 | 138 | 109 | 22 | 7 |
1317 | And speaking of tough rooms... | 1.2606 | 0.04203 | 165 | 130 | 27 | 8 |
1318 | A librarian, a comedian, and a proposed marriage counselor walk into a bar. | 1.2606 | 0.04320 | 142 | 110 | 27 | 5 |
1319 | Marian and Harold Hill in later years. | 1.2606 | 0.04202 | 142 | 109 | 29 | 4 |
1320 | This may be a blanket generalization, but you never pay any attention to me. | 1.2606 | 0.04545 | 142 | 112 | 23 | 7 |
1321 | I'm getting bumped for a romance novel, again? | 1.2603 | 0.04243 | 146 | 113 | 28 | 5 |
1322 | Are you sure this is an erotic fantasy? | 1.2603 | 0.04243 | 146 | 113 | 28 | 5 |
1323 | Perhaps you're wondering why I asked you to be here this evening. | 1.2602 | 0.04737 | 123 | 96 | 22 | 5 |
1324 | And then I then I told her, 'It's either that book or me....' | 1.2599 | 0.03845 | 177 | 137 | 34 | 6 |
1325 | 'Take my husband, please.." That's funny? | 1.2599 | 0.03760 | 177 | 136 | 36 | 5 |
1326 | Where are my party people? | 1.2598 | 0.04638 | 127 | 99 | 23 | 5 |
1327 | Really mellow crowd tonight, for my next set I will need a night light | 1.2597 | 0.04026 | 181 | 143 | 29 | 9 |
1328 | Hey, what's the deal with marriage? Am I right? | 1.2595 | 0.04279 | 131 | 100 | 28 | 3 |
1329 | Am I a joke to you? | 1.2595 | 0.04034 | 158 | 122 | 31 | 5 |
1330 | Anyone here from in town? | 1.2595 | 0.03829 | 158 | 120 | 35 | 3 |
1331 | Have you heard the one about the comedian trying to get into bed with you? | 1.2595 | 0.04132 | 158 | 123 | 29 | 6 |
1332 | Not in the mood? | 1.2593 | 0.03772 | 162 | 123 | 36 | 3 |
1333 | and again it's "just one more chapter" | 1.2593 | 0.04201 | 135 | 103 | 29 | 3 |
1334 | I did it—MY way.” | 1.2593 | 0.04456 | 135 | 105 | 25 | 5 |
1335 | Reading in bed -- what's up with that? | 1.2593 | 0.05158 | 108 | 85 | 18 | 5 |
1336 | So what’s the deal with bedsheets nowadays? | 1.2593 | 0.03909 | 189 | 149 | 31 | 9 |
1337 | Thank you. Thank you. You’ve been a great audience. | 1.2590 | 0.04002 | 166 | 129 | 31 | 6 |
1338 | What do you mean you miss the guy with the sledgehammer and the watermelons? | 1.2590 | 0.04002 | 166 | 129 | 31 | 6 |
1339 | 🎶Strangers in the night exchanging glances Wondering in the night, what were the chances? We'd be sharing love before the night was through🎶 | 1.2590 | 0.03909 | 166 | 128 | 33 | 5 |
1340 | I thought you said you were into funny guys... | 1.2590 | 0.04002 | 166 | 129 | 31 | 6 |
1341 | Now that I've been given the light, let me wrap my five minute plea for an open marriage. | 1.2590 | 0.04605 | 139 | 110 | 22 | 7 |
1342 | I'm sorry, but you did order the audiobook edition.. | 1.2588 | 0.04113 | 170 | 134 | 28 | 8 |
1343 | And now it's time to wrap up both this evening and our marriage with 'Toot, Toot, Tootsie, Goodbye!' | 1.2588 | 0.04279 | 170 | 136 | 24 | 10 |
1344 | Could you at least do me the honor of ignoring me with a cell phone? | 1.2587 | 0.04730 | 143 | 115 | 19 | 9 |
1345 | Please put down The Old Man and the Sea and listen to my finale. | 1.2587 | 0.04293 | 143 | 111 | 27 | 5 |
1346 | Here's to hoping you'll look at me again one day! | 1.2587 | 0.04057 | 143 | 109 | 31 | 3 |
1347 | Is my performance in bed is getting stale? | 1.2585 | 0.03991 | 147 | 112 | 32 | 3 |
1348 | As Howie reflects on his marriage, he realizes the importance of communication and attentiveness in the relationship. | 1.2584 | 0.03908 | 178 | 139 | 32 | 7 |
1349 | When you said you like a good laugh in bed, I didn't think you meant David Sedaris. | 1.2583 | 0.04454 | 151 | 120 | 23 | 8 |
1350 | So my performance in bed is a joke? | 1.2583 | 0.04251 | 151 | 118 | 27 | 6 |
1351 | I'm sorry to say this dear, but what we've got here is a failure to communicate." | 1.2583 | 0.04038 | 151 | 116 | 31 | 4 |
1352 | If I can have a few seconds of your attention, I have an announcement to make | 1.2582 | 0.03851 | 182 | 142 | 33 | 7 |
1353 | I thought you signed up for audiobooks | 1.2581 | 0.04374 | 155 | 123 | 24 | 8 |
1354 | Any more requests before I bring out the next act? | 1.2581 | 0.04416 | 124 | 95 | 26 | 3 |
1355 | Anyone here who wishes they were out of town tonight? | 1.2579 | 0.04205 | 159 | 125 | 27 | 7 |
1356 | Is this thing on? ... How about you? Are you turned on? | 1.2579 | 0.04110 | 159 | 124 | 29 | 6 |
1357 | The husband did it | 1.2578 | 0.04471 | 128 | 99 | 25 | 4 |
1358 | No, seriously folks ... I can't joke about my sex life, because I always get walk-outs! | 1.2577 | 0.04136 | 163 | 128 | 28 | 7 |
1359 | Show of hands – who here's had a one-night stand-up? | 1.2577 | 0.04227 | 163 | 129 | 26 | 8 |
1360 | But you said you wanted to have a talk. | 1.2577 | 0.04227 | 163 | 129 | 26 | 8 |
1361 | I guess volume is not the issue” | 1.2576 | 0.04641 | 132 | 104 | 22 | 6 |
1362 | And the nominees for Most Attentive Wife are.... | 1.2576 | 0.04641 | 132 | 104 | 22 | 6 |
1363 | You hire me for a private party, and now this? Who do you think I am, Rodney Dangerfield? | 1.2576 | 0.03784 | 198 | 156 | 33 | 9 |
1364 | We used to laugh at the same things. | 1.2576 | 0.03852 | 198 | 157 | 31 | 10 |
1365 | Must be a real page turner. | 1.2576 | 0.04515 | 132 | 103 | 24 | 5 |
1366 | No respect, I tell ya’. No respect. | 1.2575 | 0.03600 | 167 | 126 | 39 | 2 |
1367 | Honey, you could pretend to be listening! | 1.2575 | 0.03981 | 167 | 130 | 31 | 6 |
1368 | Don't forget to tip your bartenders and servers . . . | 1.2575 | 0.03795 | 167 | 128 | 35 | 4 |
1369 | Is this thing plugged in? | 1.2575 | 0.03889 | 167 | 129 | 33 | 5 |
1370 | But where ARE the wild things? | 1.2575 | 0.04070 | 167 | 131 | 29 | 7 |
1371 | A lady climbed into bed with a book... | 1.2574 | 0.04303 | 136 | 105 | 27 | 4 |
1372 | Darling, you really have to deal with this hearing aid thing. | 1.2574 | 0.04667 | 136 | 108 | 21 | 7 |
1373 | Do you like piña colada's? | 1.2574 | 0.04428 | 136 | 106 | 25 | 5 |
1374 | Thank you very much. You’ve been a great crowd, these past 15 years and please come again, for the next 15 years or more. | 1.2574 | 0.04303 | 136 | 105 | 27 | 4 |
1375 | Great to he back here in Apt 4D. So my wife says we are still not talking... | 1.2574 | 0.04303 | 136 | 105 | 27 | 4 |
1376 | honey no need to look it up, it's just a joke. | 1.2574 | 0.04042 | 136 | 103 | 31 | 2 |
1377 | Well, I’m just another late night comedy act. | 1.2571 | 0.04345 | 140 | 109 | 26 | 5 |
1378 | If I could have your attention, I’m leaving for work. | 1.2570 | 0.03889 | 179 | 140 | 32 | 7 |
1379 | Stop me if you’ve heard this one before. | 1.2569 | 0.04267 | 144 | 112 | 27 | 5 |
1380 | I’m rather liking this new audio book…” Eflor Rolfe, London U. | 1.2569 | 0.04267 | 144 | 112 | 27 | 5 |
1381 | Ok, no new stuff. | 1.2569 | 0.04267 | 144 | 112 | 27 | 5 |
1382 | I think I still love you. Look at you, my angel. My little harlot of the night. | 1.2569 | 0.04379 | 144 | 113 | 25 | 6 |
1383 | Good eeeeeevning! This is your husband. May I please have your attention… | 1.2569 | 0.04379 | 144 | 113 | 25 | 6 |
1384 | I always joke after intercourse. | 1.2568 | 0.03850 | 148 | 112 | 34 | 2 |
1385 | |"Hey, you stood me up again." | 1.2568 | 0.03967 | 148 | 113 | 32 | 3 |
1386 | Can’t you just break down and buy an audio book? | 1.2568 | 0.04406 | 148 | 117 | 24 | 7 |
1387 | Anybody read any good books lately? | 1.2567 | 0.03702 | 187 | 145 | 36 | 6 |
1388 | At least I’m not competing with a little glowing screen. | 1.2566 | 0.03905 | 152 | 116 | 33 | 3 |
1389 | But that’s showbiz, baby…. | 1.2566 | 0.04015 | 152 | 117 | 31 | 4 |
1390 | Well, thanks for coming, I'll be here all week. | 1.2566 | 0.04226 | 152 | 119 | 27 | 6 |
1391 | Is anyone out there married? | 1.2566 | 0.03905 | 152 | 116 | 33 | 3 |
1392 | This really IS a tough room... | 1.2566 | 0.04015 | 152 | 117 | 31 | 4 |
1393 | My wife says I have performance anxiety. I think the audience could be better” | 1.2566 | 0.04428 | 152 | 121 | 23 | 8 |
1394 | You've been a terrible audience. | 1.2566 | 0.04226 | 152 | 119 | 27 | 6 |
1395 | Her hallucinations were getting worse. There was no book. | 1.2564 | 0.04349 | 156 | 124 | 24 | 8 |
1396 | Oh, you meant freshen up OUR routine! | 1.2563 | 0.03990 | 160 | 124 | 31 | 5 |
1397 | And in closing ..." | 1.2563 | 0.03890 | 160 | 123 | 33 | 4 |
1398 | 🎼”Everybody loves somebody sometime” 🎼, although it appears it’s not my body nor my time! | 1.2562 | 0.04474 | 121 | 93 | 25 | 3 |
1399 | What do I need to do to get your attention? | 1.2561 | 0.03733 | 164 | 125 | 36 | 3 |
1400 | Women like a stand-up guy, am I right? | 1.2560 | 0.04385 | 125 | 96 | 26 | 3 |
1401 | When I read about the evils of drinking I gave up reading. | 1.2560 | 0.04467 | 168 | 137 | 19 | 12 |
1402 | Thank you for coming. I hope you enjoyed the show. | 1.2558 | 0.03629 | 172 | 131 | 38 | 3 |
1403 | Honey,your nighttime routine is as dull as my stand up routine | 1.2557 | 0.03843 | 176 | 137 | 33 | 6 |
1404 | Sec. What’s that? I have to entertain my self at my age. | 1.2556 | 0.04086 | 133 | 101 | 30 | 2 |
1405 | My wife ignores me in the bedroom, and boy are my arms tired! | 1.2556 | 0.04223 | 133 | 102 | 28 | 3 |
1406 | Don't say I never Stand-up for you. | 1.2556 | 0.03870 | 180 | 141 | 32 | 7 |
1407 | Honey, my stand up works best with your book down. | 1.2555 | 0.04148 | 137 | 105 | 29 | 3 |
1408 | Born to be Wiiiild” ? | 1.2555 | 0.04520 | 137 | 108 | 23 | 6 |
1409 | He was at an unknown venue, on a shaky stage with only one disinterested person in attendance when it became crystal clear: there be no career in comedy. | 1.2553 | 0.04434 | 141 | 111 | 24 | 6 |
1410 | It's tough being a Dangerfield, I tell ya. | 1.2553 | 0.04199 | 141 | 109 | 28 | 4 |
1411 | Now I will sing the Impossible Dream. | 1.2553 | 0.04434 | 141 | 111 | 24 | 6 |
1412 | Straaaangers in the niiiiight... | 1.2553 | 0.04199 | 141 | 109 | 28 | 4 |
1413 | Tonight we’re gonna sing a high note | 1.2553 | 0.04547 | 141 | 112 | 22 | 7 |
1414 | And here's another of Rodney's favorites... | 1.2552 | 0.04241 | 145 | 113 | 27 | 5 |
1415 | The ghost of comedians past comes to visit Carol. | 1.2552 | 0.04127 | 145 | 112 | 29 | 4 |
1416 | Take me…back please! | 1.2552 | 0.04127 | 145 | 112 | 29 | 4 |
1417 | Tough crowd, tough crowd. This crowd is so tough that...c'mon, honey, this is where you yell 'How tough is it?' | 1.2550 | 0.04483 | 149 | 119 | 22 | 8 |
1418 | I've played the Borscht Belt but never the Chastity Belt. | 1.2550 | 0.04380 | 149 | 118 | 24 | 7 |
1419 | Bedspreads. You know what I mean!? Who needs 'em | 1.2550 | 0.03944 | 149 | 114 | 32 | 3 |
1420 | He had two fantasies, and the other was a threesome. | 1.2550 | 0.04168 | 149 | 116 | 28 | 5 |
1421 | Don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to make a scene here but… | 1.2548 | 0.04132 | 157 | 123 | 28 | 6 |
1422 | Lady’s looking up what a one night stand…up comedian in bed is. | 1.2547 | 0.03968 | 161 | 125 | 31 | 5 |
1423 | i thought i might take a shower, spritz with that cologne you bought and slip between the sheets. what do you think? | 1.2545 | 0.03907 | 165 | 128 | 32 | 5 |
1424 | Take my wife… | 1.2545 | 0.04001 | 165 | 129 | 30 | 6 |
1425 | Why do you always ignore my stand-up? | 1.2544 | 0.04955 | 114 | 90 | 19 | 5 |
1426 | Take my wife’s extreme approach to the ‘Silent Treatment.’ Please…?” | 1.2540 | 0.04207 | 126 | 96 | 28 | 2 |
1427 | I haven't seen a woman this uninterested in me since my wedding night. Ohh, tough crowd. Hey, you're alright. | 1.2537 | 0.04455 | 134 | 105 | 24 | 5 |
1428 | My girlfriend was the woman of my dreams, then she became my wife. | 1.2537 | 0.04060 | 134 | 102 | 30 | 2 |
1429 | And in this corner, weighing in at 115 pounds, is middle-brow reader Linda White. | 1.2536 | 0.04491 | 138 | 109 | 23 | 6 |
1430 | Her race to finish her 2022 reading goal was interrupted by the Ghost of Standup Comedian Podcasters Past. | 1.2535 | 0.04627 | 142 | 114 | 20 | 8 |
1431 | Actually, heckles would be appreciated. | 1.2535 | 0.04052 | 142 | 109 | 30 | 3 |
1432 | As we start this new chapter... | 1.2535 | 0.04291 | 142 | 111 | 26 | 5 |
1433 | Not tonight, I have a headache! | 1.2535 | 0.04291 | 142 | 111 | 26 | 5 |
1434 | The next performer in our Zoom presentation is my wife Nora who will read from her memoir about our marriage, 'Bed And Bored.' | 1.2534 | 0.04842 | 146 | 120 | 15 | 11 |
1435 | What does a guy have to do to get an audience with you? | 1.2534 | 0.04102 | 146 | 113 | 29 | 4 |
1436 | Must you check on every joke as original? | 1.2534 | 0.04539 | 146 | 117 | 21 | 8 |
1437 | I said to the cabbie, "Take me to where the action is. He took me to my house!" Is this thing on? | 1.2533 | 0.04354 | 150 | 119 | 24 | 7 |
1438 | Netflix really will do anything to win the content war | 1.2533 | 0.04034 | 150 | 116 | 30 | 4 |
1439 | So, let’s see, foreplay huh?… anybody here like books? | 1.2533 | 0.04034 | 150 | 116 | 30 | 4 |
1440 | I guess "My Way" didn't do it for you. | 1.2532 | 0.04178 | 154 | 121 | 27 | 6 |
1441 | Im here all decade. | 1.2532 | 0.03861 | 154 | 118 | 33 | 3 |
1442 | I said, I'm here all week. | 1.2532 | 0.04075 | 154 | 120 | 29 | 5 |
1443 | Now, you take my wife...please! | 1.2532 | 0.03969 | 154 | 119 | 31 | 4 |
1444 | Man, Tuesday night audiences are the worst! | 1.2531 | 0.04228 | 162 | 129 | 25 | 8 |
1445 | The world watches breathlessly as Joe Smith approaches his 49th day of celibacy. Will Mrs. Smith look up from her book possibly breaking that streak; or will she continue to be unresponsive allowing Joe an unprecedented personal best | 1.2530 | 0.04070 | 166 | 131 | 28 | 7 |
1446 | A priest, a rabbi, and a monk walk into our bed... | 1.2530 | 0.03979 | 166 | 130 | 30 | 6 |
1447 | Heckling should be spontaneous, not scripted. | 1.2529 | 0.04029 | 174 | 138 | 28 | 8 |
1448 | If you don't mind, I'd like to try a few of my one liners. | 1.2527 | 0.03778 | 186 | 146 | 33 | 7 |
1449 | "That's my time. Don't forget to tip your waitress. | 1.2527 | 0.03621 | 186 | 144 | 37 | 5 |
1450 | A Tale of Two Cities by Charles Dickens Chapter 1 “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times ... | 1.2521 | 0.05094 | 119 | 96 | 16 | 7 |
1451 | That’s also available as an Audio Book so I don’t have to stand here reading it | 1.2520 | 0.04410 | 123 | 95 | 25 | 3 |
1452 | I can tell, Chapter 8 is just side-splitting. | 1.2520 | 0.04178 | 127 | 97 | 28 | 2 |
1453 | Hello, Bedroom! | 1.2519 | 0.04245 | 131 | 101 | 27 | 3 |
1454 | Is there anyone in the audience from our bedroom? | 1.2519 | 0.04104 | 131 | 100 | 29 | 2 |
1455 | You look vaguely familiar. Do you come here often? | 1.2519 | 0.04245 | 131 | 101 | 27 | 3 |
1456 | Nothing I do will distract her. Believe me, I have tried everything. | 1.2519 | 0.04299 | 135 | 105 | 26 | 4 |
1457 | When I say 'mike check', you respond, just so I know you can hear me. | 1.2519 | 0.04549 | 135 | 107 | 22 | 6 |
1458 | I’d feel a lot better if you put the book down and heckled me a bit. | 1.2519 | 0.03894 | 135 | 102 | 32 | 1 |
1459 | It can be lonely up here. | 1.2519 | 0.04169 | 135 | 104 | 28 | 3 |
1460 | I don't feel you pay attention to me anymore. | 1.2518 | 0.04343 | 139 | 109 | 25 | 5 |
1461 | Fly me to the moon, let me walk among the stars, in other words, just look up, honey! | 1.2518 | 0.04222 | 139 | 108 | 27 | 4 |
1462 | Hello ladies and gentlemen, The stand-up comedy hour is coming to you from our bedroom,, where nothing ever happens! | 1.2518 | 0.04343 | 139 | 109 | 25 | 5 |
1463 | You asked for my best tight five | 1.2518 | 0.04096 | 139 | 107 | 29 | 3 |
1464 | Stop me if you’ve seen this one before.. | 1.2518 | 0.04096 | 139 | 107 | 29 | 3 |
1465 | Steve, this isn’t what I meant when I said you need to work on your pillow talk… | 1.2518 | 0.04096 | 139 | 107 | 29 | 3 |
1466 | So Sweetheart, shall we kiss those performance issues goodbye! | 1.2517 | 0.04379 | 143 | 113 | 24 | 6 |
1467 | So then I said, "Are you sure you want me to bring my work home with me so we can spend more time together?" | 1.2517 | 0.04027 | 143 | 110 | 30 | 3 |
1468 | Gee, thanks for “trying,” but no, not paying attention doesn’t help my performance anxiety. | 1.2517 | 0.04148 | 143 | 111 | 28 | 4 |
1469 | "Good to some familial faces here tonight." | 1.2517 | 0.04265 | 143 | 112 | 26 | 5 |
1470 | As we start this new chapter of our lives... | 1.2517 | 0.04078 | 147 | 114 | 29 | 4 |
1471 | Anyone celebrating a birthday? | 1.2517 | 0.04190 | 147 | 115 | 27 | 5 |
1472 | Forget about airplane food, how about the nightmare in that kitchen?" | 1.2517 | 0.04011 | 151 | 117 | 30 | 4 |
1473 | And I would like to thank my wife for all her sacrifices during those difficult evening hours | 1.2517 | 0.04119 | 151 | 118 | 28 | 5 |
1474 | I thought you said you wanted to try it standing up | 1.2517 | 0.04119 | 151 | 118 | 28 | 5 |
1475 | I flew here all the way from the bathroom. Boy, are my arms tired. | 1.2516 | 0.04052 | 155 | 121 | 29 | 5 |
1476 | And, to put you to sleep in record time, I'm going to recite . . . | 1.2516 | 0.04351 | 155 | 124 | 23 | 8 |
1477 | Humour me. | 1.2516 | 0.04052 | 155 | 121 | 29 | 5 |
1478 | 'Twas the night before the company comedy show, and though Carol read, her husband incessantly rehearsed his stand-up in bed. | 1.2516 | 0.04276 | 159 | 127 | 24 | 8 |
1479 | Much to my wife's chagrin I'll be here indefinitely. | 1.2516 | 0.03987 | 159 | 124 | 30 | 5 |
1480 | It was sexy the first time hun, now I just wanna read my book and go to bed | 1.2515 | 0.03828 | 163 | 126 | 33 | 4 |
1481 | And now Goodbye to Love dedicated to the lady in glasses reading a book about love. This is for you. | 1.2515 | 0.03718 | 171 | 132 | 35 | 4 |
1482 | "I want to thank everyone for staying in tonight." | 1.2514 | 0.03667 | 175 | 135 | 36 | 4 |
1483 | Cue my voiceover, already. | 1.2514 | 0.03869 | 179 | 141 | 31 | 7 |
1484 | When you realize you lost your audience... | 1.2513 | 0.03513 | 195 | 151 | 39 | 5 |
1485 | ’thank you, thank you. You have been a great audeince’ | 1.2513 | 0.03613 | 199 | 156 | 36 | 7 |
1486 | Take my wife. She prefers a novel approach to sex. | 1.2500 | 0.05455 | 112 | 92 | 12 | 8 |
1487 | We are broadcasting from the bedroom of one of the last remaining hard copy book readers in America! | 1.2500 | 0.03716 | 184 | 144 | 34 | 6 |
1488 | Is this thing on? Hello? | 1.2500 | 0.04239 | 144 | 113 | 26 | 5 |
1489 | Stop me if you've heard this before. | 1.2500 | 0.04123 | 144 | 112 | 28 | 4 |
1490 | So if i'm meant to be Jerry Seinfeld, who are you ? | 1.2500 | 0.03988 | 152 | 118 | 30 | 4 |
1491 | Baby, you and me, got a duvet kind of love... | 1.2500 | 0.04029 | 156 | 122 | 29 | 5 |
1492 | I read your comments and I promise this set will put to you sleep. | 1.2500 | 0.04239 | 144 | 113 | 26 | 5 |
1493 | I'll be here until the divorce is final. Don't forget to tip your attorney. | 1.2500 | 0.03999 | 164 | 129 | 29 | 6 |
1494 | I misunderstood what you meant when you said you wanted a warm up act before the main event. | 1.2500 | 0.04397 | 136 | 107 | 24 | 5 |
1495 | No other husband in your women’s book group is willing to read to them in bed. Give a chance. | 1.2500 | 0.04462 | 144 | 115 | 22 | 7 |
1496 | I'm just prepared for your husband coming home early. | 1.2500 | 0.03645 | 152 | 115 | 36 | 1 |
1497 | At first, I didn’t understand why your husband wanted me to introduce him, but I get it now. | 1.2500 | 0.04195 | 140 | 109 | 27 | 4 |
1498 | Anyone bored in their marriage out there tonight? | 1.2500 | 0.03989 | 176 | 140 | 28 | 8 |
1499 | I'm here all week. Try the Ambien. | 1.2500 | 0.04379 | 124 | 96 | 25 | 3 |
1500 | Attention. May I have your attention please. | 1.2500 | 0.04462 | 144 | 115 | 22 | 7 |
1501 | Six members of the Supreme Court walk into your bedroom... | 1.2500 | 0.04274 | 148 | 117 | 25 | 6 |
1502 | And now... yes... she's turning the page, and here she is at page 74! | 1.2500 | 0.04274 | 148 | 117 | 25 | 6 |
1503 | Strangers in the Night...la, la, la, la, la. | 1.2500 | 0.03708 | 164 | 126 | 35 | 3 |
1504 | Remember, ‘If I can make it there, I can make it anywhere…’ | 1.2500 | 0.04142 | 136 | 105 | 28 | 3 |
1505 | Great Expectations”—speaking of getting married… | 1.2500 | 0.04054 | 148 | 115 | 29 | 4 |
1506 | This isn't even my material. | 1.2500 | 0.04573 | 128 | 101 | 22 | 5 |
1507 | A small heckle, that’s all I ask. | 1.2500 | 0.04272 | 136 | 106 | 26 | 4 |
1508 | ‘Yoo-hooo, anybody home ?’ | 1.2500 | 0.04123 | 144 | 112 | 28 | 4 |
1509 | And she flips the page. Now she’s at page two. Page two she reads, reads, reads…and there it is, page three, ladies and gentlemen, on her way to page four! What a game, what a sight. | 1.2500 | 0.04483 | 132 | 104 | 23 | 5 |
1510 | And then the comedian of Christmas future walked into the bar… | 1.2500 | 0.03865 | 160 | 124 | 32 | 4 |
1511 | Naomi, when I said a little nightlife... | 1.2487 | 0.03890 | 193 | 155 | 28 | 10 |
1512 | Anybody here single? | 1.2486 | 0.03631 | 177 | 137 | 36 | 4 |
1513 | THAT was FUNNY, Irene! | 1.2486 | 0.03541 | 177 | 136 | 38 | 3 |
1514 | You asked for a better performance…… | 1.2486 | 0.03969 | 177 | 141 | 28 | 8 |
1515 | When you asked for role-playing in the bedroom, I didn’t expect this. | 1.2485 | 0.04178 | 169 | 136 | 24 | 9 |
1516 | I don't get it. My first wife loved stand-up sex. | 1.2485 | 0.03917 | 169 | 133 | 30 | 6 |
1517 | You said I needed to stand up for myself more | 1.2485 | 0.03917 | 169 | 133 | 30 | 6 |
1518 | On the right side of the bed is one of the great bedtime story readers of all time. | 1.2485 | 0.03978 | 165 | 130 | 29 | 6 |
1519 | Go figure - that line was a killer at the 8 o’clock show. | 1.2484 | 0.03844 | 161 | 125 | 32 | 4 |
1520 | Thanks a lot. I'll be here all night. | 1.2484 | 0.03797 | 157 | 121 | 33 | 3 |
1521 | These are the jokes. I’ll be here all night. | 1.2484 | 0.03742 | 153 | 117 | 34 | 2 |
1522 | Spoiler alert, she dies at the end | 1.2484 | 0.04278 | 153 | 122 | 24 | 7 |
1523 | Testing, testing, you we or three. | 1.2484 | 0.03742 | 153 | 117 | 34 | 2 |
1524 | Don't go changing to try and please me I like your sheets the way they are" . | 1.2484 | 0.04377 | 153 | 123 | 22 | 8 |
1525 | Let's give it up for...Me! | 1.2484 | 0.03965 | 153 | 119 | 30 | 4 |
1526 | You’ve been a wonderful audience. I’ll be here for the rest of my life. | 1.2484 | 0.03965 | 153 | 119 | 30 | 4 |
1527 | Where are y’all from ? | 1.2484 | 0.04072 | 153 | 120 | 28 | 5 |
1528 | I know you're in bed but how am I different than Jon Stewart? | 1.2484 | 0.04278 | 153 | 122 | 24 | 7 |
1529 | And for my final number. | 1.2483 | 0.03798 | 149 | 114 | 33 | 2 |
1530 | Remember; tonight's cover includes a Steven King novel and a glass of warm milk ! | 1.2483 | 0.04141 | 149 | 117 | 27 | 5 |
1531 | This is supposed to help my performance anxiety. | 1.2483 | 0.04213 | 145 | 114 | 26 | 5 |
1532 | I know the road back is slow but this audience is really rough! | 1.2483 | 0.03979 | 145 | 112 | 30 | 3 |
1533 | It was a hard room to read. | 1.2483 | 0.03979 | 145 | 112 | 30 | 3 |
1534 | Just like my socks on the floor, I’ll be here all week. | 1.2482 | 0.04289 | 141 | 111 | 25 | 5 |
1535 | Thank you, thank you. Yes, it's great to be here in the bedroom tonight.. | 1.2482 | 0.04405 | 141 | 112 | 23 | 6 |
1536 | So my wife’s been reading a book on the history of glue. She just couldn’t put it down. | 1.2482 | 0.04519 | 141 | 113 | 21 | 7 |
1537 | Well, looks like I’m the only one who will “stand up” tonight | 1.2482 | 0.03919 | 141 | 108 | 31 | 2 |
1538 | You read words, I speak words, what's the difference? | 1.2482 | 0.04244 | 137 | 107 | 26 | 4 |
1539 | Standing like this, I agree, we should buy a new bed. Curtains too." | 1.2482 | 0.04116 | 137 | 106 | 28 | 3 |
1540 | ~ Existential Marital Cosplay ~ | 1.2482 | 0.04244 | 137 | 107 | 26 | 4 |
1541 | Last week I went to a place called the library. Anybody here ever been to the library? Cool. | 1.2482 | 0.04244 | 137 | 107 | 26 | 4 |
1542 | What a great crowd! I need a volunteer for this next bit... | 1.2481 | 0.04323 | 133 | 104 | 25 | 4 |
1543 | Thank you. I'll be here all week. In fact, I'll be here for the rest of your life. | 1.2481 | 0.04189 | 133 | 103 | 27 | 3 |
1544 | By special request, "Bess you ain't my woman, now" | 1.2481 | 0.04267 | 129 | 100 | 26 | 3 |
1545 | You really do think I'm dull in bed, don't you? | 1.2481 | 0.04267 | 129 | 100 | 26 | 3 |
1546 | I'll see you in my dreams | 1.2481 | 0.04267 | 129 | 100 | 26 | 3 |
1547 | my wife doesn't like my stand up routine | 1.2480 | 0.04636 | 125 | 99 | 21 | 5 |
1548 | I thought it was fiction, until he popped up in person. | 1.2479 | 0.04588 | 121 | 95 | 22 | 4 |
1549 | 'Audible, Live! Anytime, any place! Just $29.95 per month!' | 1.2470 | 0.03669 | 166 | 128 | 35 | 3 |
1550 | Relax, I can explain everything. | 1.2470 | 0.04048 | 166 | 132 | 27 | 7 |
1551 | Isn't it funny how it isn't funny anymore? | 1.2470 | 0.04048 | 166 | 132 | 27 | 7 |
1552 | You said you wanted to switch things up in bed. | 1.2470 | 0.04048 | 166 | 132 | 27 | 7 |
1553 | I'd rather be heckled than ignored. | 1.2469 | 0.03617 | 162 | 124 | 36 | 2 |
1554 | I'm standing on your bed with a microphone, but you don't seem to notice me. | 1.2468 | 0.03668 | 158 | 121 | 35 | 2 |
1555 | You don't have to go to bed, but you can't stay here | 1.2468 | 0.04182 | 158 | 126 | 25 | 7 |
1556 | If you think this is bad, you should have seen my last performance in a bed. | 1.2467 | 0.04431 | 150 | 121 | 21 | 8 |
1557 | Thanks, you've been a great audience, tell your friends I'll be here all week. | 1.2467 | 0.04116 | 150 | 118 | 27 | 5 |
1558 | I want to thank you all for coming tonight. | 1.2467 | 0.04224 | 150 | 119 | 25 | 6 |
1559 | A guy walks into a bedroom.. | 1.2467 | 0.04328 | 150 | 120 | 23 | 7 |
1560 | This next one is dedicated to all the Sylvia Plath fans out there. | 1.2466 | 0.04407 | 146 | 117 | 22 | 7 |
1561 | Ladies and gentleman,may I have your attention please? | 1.2466 | 0.04073 | 146 | 114 | 28 | 4 |
1562 | I meant something like Cialis, John. | 1.2465 | 0.03728 | 215 | 174 | 29 | 12 |
1563 | Before I begin my apology could you at least look up and tell me if this tie goes well with this suit? | 1.2465 | 0.04378 | 142 | 113 | 23 | 6 |
1564 | But seriously. Is my work-at-home job affecting our relationship? | 1.2465 | 0.04490 | 142 | 114 | 21 | 7 |
1565 | Thank you! I’m here every night this week and every week after that…” | 1.2465 | 0.04143 | 142 | 111 | 27 | 4 |
1566 | I thought you said you wanted ‘one night stand up’ | 1.2465 | 0.04021 | 142 | 110 | 29 | 3 |
1567 | What's the deal with monkeys on the bed? | 1.2465 | 0.04378 | 142 | 113 | 23 | 6 |
1568 | In public speaking, the most powerful people make use of storytelling. Dear—give me a story. | 1.2464 | 0.04692 | 138 | 112 | 18 | 8 |
1569 | Stand up comics and late night readers make strange bedfellows. | 1.2464 | 0.04341 | 138 | 109 | 24 | 5 |
1570 | My little blue pill and I are here all night. | 1.2464 | 0.04341 | 138 | 109 | 24 | 5 |
1571 | Really? To Kill a Mockingbird in the middle of my set? That’s harsh, Joanne. | 1.2464 | 0.04461 | 138 | 110 | 22 | 6 |
1572 | Did I ever tell you the one about the stand-up comedian's wife? | 1.2464 | 0.04578 | 138 | 111 | 20 | 7 |
1573 | I said, ‘AM I STANDING ON YOUR FOOT?’! | 1.2464 | 0.04217 | 138 | 108 | 26 | 4 |
1574 | Okay, a narcoleptic librarian sleepwalks into a bar... | 1.2463 | 0.04162 | 134 | 104 | 27 | 3 |
1575 | I’ve heard of tough rooms, but this is ridiculous | 1.2463 | 0.04424 | 134 | 106 | 23 | 5 |
1576 | I'd like to have a word about your earplugs, dear. | 1.2463 | 0.04424 | 134 | 106 | 23 | 5 |
1577 | Honey, I’m dying up here … | 1.2462 | 0.03785 | 195 | 156 | 30 | 9 |
1578 | I hate comedy. | 1.2462 | 0.04377 | 130 | 102 | 24 | 4 |
1579 | I'll be here all week...and for the rest of your life. | 1.2462 | 0.04511 | 130 | 103 | 22 | 5 |
1580 | I'll be here for the rest of my life... | 1.2460 | 0.04169 | 126 | 97 | 27 | 2 |
1581 | As we say every night, "Good night moon; good night lady whispering hush" | 1.2460 | 0.04169 | 126 | 97 | 27 | 2 |
1582 | So my wife told me to get a hobby. | 1.2460 | 0.03852 | 126 | 95 | 31 | 0 |
1583 | Now you don’t laugh at me in bed | 1.2460 | 0.03892 | 187 | 150 | 28 | 9 |
1584 | How about you miss in the front? Are you happily married? | 1.2459 | 0.04247 | 122 | 94 | 26 | 2 |
1585 | And don't get me started about my wife. We haven't had sex since Jimmy Fallon turned into a haunted doll. | 1.2455 | 0.04115 | 167 | 134 | 25 | 8 |
1586 | This has been a difficult chapter in my life. | 1.2455 | 0.03935 | 167 | 132 | 29 | 6 |
1587 | Is this what you meant by being more spontaneous? | 1.2452 | 0.04229 | 155 | 124 | 24 | 7 |
1588 | Did you hear me? I've got leeches on my pajamas! | 1.2452 | 0.03812 | 155 | 120 | 32 | 3 |
1589 | Well, at least your comedy can still stand up | 1.2452 | 0.04229 | 155 | 124 | 24 | 7 |
1590 | Tell me when you want to switch to the audio version. | 1.2450 | 0.03512 | 151 | 114 | 37 | 0 |
1591 | Here's Johnny. | 1.2450 | 0.03983 | 151 | 118 | 29 | 4 |
1592 | Did you get to the part where the frustrated husband turns out to be a delusional speaker and a serial killer? | 1.2450 | 0.03871 | 151 | 117 | 31 | 3 |
1593 | I am the ghost of Christmas jest. | 1.2450 | 0.04199 | 151 | 120 | 25 | 6 |
1594 | I tell ya, I don’t get no respect | 1.2450 | 0.04404 | 151 | 122 | 21 | 8 |
1595 | You are stealing my spotlight, dear. | 1.2449 | 0.03688 | 147 | 112 | 34 | 1 |
1596 | Have you heard the one about the single women, lonely, who gave up on looking for love for knowledge?” “I’m standing on her bed right now” | 1.2449 | 0.04162 | 147 | 116 | 26 | 5 |
1597 | I’d like to toast our 20th anniversary | 1.2449 | 0.03812 | 147 | 113 | 32 | 2 |
1598 | I did think it was funny. I just can't laugh and read at the same time. | 1.2449 | 0.04273 | 147 | 117 | 24 | 6 |
1599 | Since this book fetish, it's gotten harder to get your attention." | 1.2448 | 0.03997 | 143 | 111 | 29 | 3 |
1600 | Is this on? | 1.2448 | 0.04351 | 143 | 114 | 23 | 6 |
1601 | If you're so funny, think of a good caption. | 1.2448 | 0.03871 | 143 | 110 | 31 | 2 |
1602 | I said, The Crowd erupted in laughter! | 1.2448 | 0.04118 | 143 | 112 | 27 | 4 |
1603 | Is this thing turned on? | 1.2446 | 0.04190 | 139 | 109 | 26 | 4 |
1604 | I thought you said you wanted a stand-up guy | 1.2446 | 0.04313 | 139 | 110 | 24 | 5 |
1605 | Welcome to the latest innovation in audio books. | 1.2446 | 0.04064 | 139 | 108 | 28 | 3 |
1606 | This microphone either isn’t connected to anything or the cable is running through a hole in the quilt. | 1.2446 | 0.03799 | 139 | 106 | 32 | 1 |
1607 | I'd like to thank you for spending the evening with me. | 1.2446 | 0.04313 | 139 | 110 | 24 | 5 |
1608 | No, I’m not giving you the spotlight. | 1.2446 | 0.04064 | 139 | 108 | 28 | 3 |
1609 | On the suggestion of their therapist, the Smiths agreed to role-play Dave’s humiliation fantasy in the bedroom. | 1.2446 | 0.04432 | 139 | 111 | 22 | 6 |
1610 | Late night thought: “is my life a stand up comedy where nobody laughs?” | 1.2446 | 0.04313 | 139 | 110 | 24 | 5 |
1611 | It's quarter to three. There's no one in the place except you and me. | 1.2444 | 0.03999 | 135 | 104 | 29 | 2 |
1612 | This is the part of the show where I like to turn the lights up and see if any of you would like to know how my day went. | 1.2444 | 0.04518 | 135 | 108 | 21 | 6 |
1613 | I stand before you a desperate man | 1.2444 | 0.04394 | 135 | 107 | 23 | 5 |
1614 | What did I tell you about shoes on the bed | 1.2444 | 0.04518 | 135 | 108 | 21 | 6 |
1615 | If this is your best fantasy, you need a better book. | 1.2443 | 0.04068 | 131 | 101 | 28 | 2 |
1616 | ...and that's my time. Goodnight, everybody. Sweet dreams! | 1.2443 | 0.04210 | 131 | 102 | 26 | 3 |
1617 | I just walked in from the kitchen and damn my feet are killing me! | 1.2442 | 0.03767 | 172 | 135 | 32 | 5 |
1618 | The sentient mold germinating on Coleen’s bedside table despised Jerry’s hack attempts at comedy. The sentient mold germinating on Coleen’s bedside table felt like Coleen should be allowed to read a fucking novel before bed in peace. | 1.2441 | 0.04432 | 127 | 100 | 23 | 4 |
1619 | May I have your attention, please! | 1.2441 | 0.04571 | 127 | 101 | 21 | 5 |
1620 | I need attention | 1.2441 | 0.04706 | 127 | 102 | 19 | 6 |
1621 | Comedy isn't pretty, but you are! | 1.2441 | 0.04432 | 127 | 100 | 23 | 4 |
1622 | Stop reading the news. I’m leaving today | 1.2441 | 0.04964 | 127 | 104 | 15 | 8 |
1623 | This next number is from my sexless life series. | 1.2441 | 0.04432 | 127 | 100 | 23 | 4 |
1624 | the trick is if you start feeling nervous just picture me naked | 1.2440 | 0.03823 | 168 | 132 | 31 | 5 |
1625 | Would you pay attention if I stopped drinking? | 1.2439 | 0.04159 | 164 | 132 | 24 | 8 |
1626 | But if I wait until you finish the chapter, my time will be up. | 1.2439 | 0.04667 | 123 | 98 | 20 | 5 |
1627 | Feel free to shut your eyes. This is my bedtime routine. | 1.2437 | 0.03735 | 160 | 124 | 33 | 3 |
1628 | What going to the comedy club was like during COVID | 1.2437 | 0.04039 | 160 | 127 | 27 | 6 |
1629 | It's a real honor to be invited back to host the third annual Bed Bug Awards. | 1.2437 | 0.04039 | 160 | 127 | 27 | 6 |
1630 | Hello... Is anybody out there? | 1.2437 | 0.04460 | 119 | 93 | 23 | 3 |
1631 | I gotta tell ya, this late night crowd is tough. | 1.2436 | 0.03791 | 156 | 121 | 32 | 3 |
1632 | A funny thing happened to me on my way to the show tonight... | 1.2435 | 0.04553 | 115 | 90 | 22 | 3 |
1633 | The therapist did say I needed to stand up for myself. | 1.2435 | 0.04383 | 115 | 89 | 24 | 2 |
1634 | Your Tinder profile said you were looking for someone who could perform in bed. | 1.2434 | 0.03629 | 189 | 149 | 34 | 6 |
1635 | Would it matter if I said I’ll be here all week? | 1.2432 | 0.04247 | 148 | 118 | 24 | 6 |
1636 | Whaddya mean I have performance issues? | 1.2432 | 0.04137 | 148 | 117 | 26 | 5 |
1637 | Yeah, I get no respect. My wife for example, she always acts like I'm not even in the same room. | 1.2432 | 0.03790 | 148 | 114 | 32 | 2 |
1638 | Why can you never win against a beetroot? Because they are un-beet-able! | 1.2432 | 0.04137 | 148 | 117 | 26 | 5 |
1639 | Are you avoiding me? | 1.2432 | 0.04025 | 148 | 116 | 28 | 4 |
1640 | Come to me my literary baby... | 1.2432 | 0.04137 | 148 | 117 | 26 | 5 |
1641 | Hmmm, tough crowd! | 1.2431 | 0.03729 | 181 | 143 | 32 | 6 |
1642 | You're the one who wanted more humor in our relationship. | 1.2431 | 0.04093 | 144 | 113 | 27 | 4 |
1643 | You're really a captive audience! | 1.2431 | 0.04210 | 144 | 114 | 25 | 5 |
1644 | I'm usually better in bed. | 1.2431 | 0.04324 | 144 | 115 | 23 | 6 |
1645 | I’m here until Thursday. | 1.2431 | 0.03972 | 144 | 112 | 29 | 3 |
1646 | Management just informed me this will be my last night here. | 1.2429 | 0.04286 | 140 | 111 | 24 | 5 |
1647 | I’d like the audience to know why I’m here tonight. | 1.2429 | 0.04404 | 140 | 112 | 22 | 6 |
1648 | So, as I was saying, I would like to take this opportunity, if you will be so kind, to express what I’ve been thinking for awhile, that it is always, well almost always, to get directly to the point. | 1.2429 | 0.04164 | 140 | 110 | 26 | 4 |
1649 | Why do I even try to compete with a Jodi Picoult novel? | 1.2428 | 0.03748 | 173 | 136 | 32 | 5 |
1650 | But honey, you said you wanted to liven up our nightly audio books.. | 1.2428 | 0.03748 | 173 | 136 | 32 | 5 |
1651 | ?You still have fifteen minutes to get to the polls. | 1.2426 | 0.04109 | 136 | 106 | 27 | 3 |
1652 | Someone who is very familiar to you, our first guest, Fluffy the cat, will cuddle up next to you and present to you, a fur ball. | 1.2426 | 0.04366 | 136 | 108 | 23 | 5 |
1653 | Just keep reading, maybe he hasn't seen me | 1.2426 | 0.04239 | 136 | 107 | 25 | 4 |
1654 | I'm next on the book list, right? | 1.2426 | 0.03894 | 169 | 134 | 29 | 6 |
1655 | This isn't what you meant when you wanted standup? | 1.2426 | 0.03709 | 169 | 132 | 33 | 4 |
1656 | And the Oscar for best bedtime reader without a sex life goes to... | 1.2424 | 0.04578 | 132 | 106 | 20 | 6 |
1657 | Last time I bombed this bad we had to fumigate the house! | 1.2424 | 0.04041 | 132 | 102 | 28 | 2 |
1658 | And she’s coming into the home stretch now- 20 pages, 19, 18- this has been amazing to listen to, hasn’t it? We’re almost at the part we’ve been eagerly awaiting- the Acknowledgements. | 1.2422 | 0.04386 | 161 | 132 | 19 | 10 |
1659 | Good evening, thank you for your warm welcome. | 1.2422 | 0.03918 | 161 | 127 | 29 | 5 |
1660 | For the last time, honey, you’re not going to be the next host of The Daily Show. | 1.2422 | 0.04016 | 161 | 128 | 27 | 6 |
1661 | C’mon, Hon, the divorce party was your idea. We really need to work on our toasts. | 1.2422 | 0.04539 | 128 | 102 | 21 | 5 |
1662 | No, not this kind of bedroom performance. | 1.2422 | 0.04401 | 128 | 101 | 23 | 4 |
1663 | Attention, attention, your book is overdue | 1.2422 | 0.04259 | 128 | 100 | 25 | 3 |
1664 | The way married people learn to ignore each other just defies description. Am I right? | 1.2422 | 0.04539 | 128 | 102 | 21 | 5 |
1665 | Honey, it happens to a lot of guys. Heckling does not help. | 1.2422 | 0.04539 | 128 | 102 | 21 | 5 |
1666 | Am I to conclude that you no longer want to help me with my stand up routine?” | 1.2422 | 0.04401 | 128 | 101 | 23 | 4 |
1667 | And now coming to you from the principal bedroom is Mauve Binchy reading a Stephen King novel. | 1.2422 | 0.04401 | 128 | 101 | 23 | 4 |
1668 | I just flew in flew in, and boy is my wife tired. | 1.2422 | 0.04673 | 128 | 103 | 19 | 6 |
1669 | And as you can see, Ladies and Gentlemen, my life if just a bed of Rose's. | 1.2421 | 0.03689 | 190 | 151 | 32 | 7 |
1670 | So, am I an encore or an epilogue?" | 1.2420 | 0.03980 | 157 | 124 | 28 | 5 |
1671 | She doesn't like my performance in bed | 1.2420 | 0.03876 | 157 | 123 | 30 | 4 |
1672 | Chapter 1. A comedian stood alone on a darkened stage, armed with nothing but his wit and a glass of scotch.... | 1.2419 | 0.04341 | 124 | 97 | 24 | 3 |
1673 | I’ll be here all week. And judging by the rate you’re turning those pages so will you. | 1.2417 | 0.04583 | 120 | 95 | 21 | 4 |
1674 | I don't have to read it. I know it by heart. | 1.2417 | 0.04427 | 120 | 94 | 23 | 3 |
1675 | I feel like you're standing me up. | 1.2416 | 0.04001 | 149 | 117 | 28 | 4 |
1676 | I’m going to take our sex life to stand up since it’s such a joke | 1.2416 | 0.04001 | 149 | 117 | 28 | 4 |
1677 | Ni, Elon, she is reading what is called a ‘book’, and is not Tweeting, anymore. Get used to it! | 1.2414 | 0.03729 | 174 | 137 | 32 | 5 |
1678 | Thank you. Thank you. I’ll be here all night. | 1.2414 | 0.04068 | 145 | 114 | 27 | 4 |
1679 | And now, please welcome ... the Chippendales! Anyone? Anyone? | 1.2414 | 0.03825 | 145 | 112 | 31 | 2 |
1680 | It's good to be back here with the late night audience again. | 1.2411 | 0.04376 | 141 | 113 | 22 | 6 |
1681 | I really appreciate you coming out tonight | 1.2411 | 0.04376 | 141 | 113 | 22 | 6 |
1682 | I asked for brutal feedback but this is demoralizing. | 1.2411 | 0.04138 | 141 | 111 | 26 | 4 |
1683 | You like my pillow? I’m the MY PILLOW guy.” | 1.2411 | 0.03753 | 141 | 108 | 32 | 1 |
1684 | If you're leaving the lights on I'm doing karaoke! | 1.2411 | 0.03753 | 141 | 108 | 32 | 1 |
1685 | Can I get a suggestion from the audience other than “Get dome sleep”? | 1.2411 | 0.04138 | 141 | 111 | 26 | 4 |
1686 | My next one is a cover of”Turn, Turn, Turn” | 1.2410 | 0.03839 | 166 | 131 | 30 | 5 |
1687 | Sorry ma’am, you had the option for Clooney or McConaughey…I’ll have to do for this book… | 1.2410 | 0.03542 | 166 | 128 | 36 | 2 |
1688 | I assume you don't want anything more than one night stand | 1.2409 | 0.04459 | 137 | 110 | 21 | 6 |
1689 | My monologue has been known to put people to sleep. | 1.2409 | 0.03949 | 137 | 106 | 29 | 2 |
1690 | So my wife goes to see her new gynecologist. The doctor asks 'Are you sexually active?' She says: 'No, I just lie there.' | 1.2409 | 0.04694 | 137 | 112 | 17 | 8 |
1691 | I'm sorry to be boring you but I'm doing as you asked and trying to entertain you in bed. | 1.2409 | 0.04082 | 137 | 107 | 27 | 3 |
1692 | Well, I always thought my audience is well read | 1.2409 | 0.04212 | 137 | 108 | 25 | 4 |
1693 | How do you expect me to please you if you read during foreplay? | 1.2407 | 0.04089 | 162 | 130 | 25 | 7 |
1694 | That concludes episode 3. | 1.2407 | 0.03695 | 162 | 126 | 33 | 3 |
1695 | Strangers in the Night... | 1.2406 | 0.04420 | 133 | 106 | 22 | 5 |
1696 | Testing, 1-2-3. | 1.2406 | 0.04015 | 133 | 103 | 28 | 2 |
1697 | I dedicate this next song to the mother of my children, my best friend, and lover who is so close, and yet, so far away. | 1.2406 | 0.04154 | 133 | 104 | 26 | 3 |
1698 | Can you at least fake like you're enjoying it? | 1.2406 | 0.04420 | 133 | 106 | 22 | 5 |
1699 | Tough crowd for the midnight show. | 1.2406 | 0.04420 | 133 | 106 | 22 | 5 |
1700 | You're not concerned about my performance? | 1.2406 | 0.04015 | 133 | 103 | 28 | 2 |
1701 | And this isn’t even the funniest thing you do in bed | 1.2406 | 0.04420 | 133 | 106 | 22 | 5 |
1702 | What’s the deal with that book | 1.2406 | 0.04289 | 133 | 105 | 24 | 4 |
1703 | I don’t know how to communicate with you anymore. | 1.2405 | 0.03855 | 158 | 124 | 30 | 4 |
1704 | It was the best of times; It was the worst of times…… | 1.2403 | 0.04371 | 129 | 102 | 23 | 4 |
1705 | My agent also books male strippers, it's not too late to call him. | 1.2403 | 0.04230 | 129 | 101 | 25 | 3 |
1706 | How 'bout this one. F O U R Irishmen walked out of a bar. | 1.2403 | 0.04230 | 129 | 101 | 25 | 3 |
1707 | Why do you always take my doing standup lying down? | 1.2403 | 0.04230 | 129 | 101 | 25 | 3 |
1708 | Have I been stood up? | 1.2403 | 0.04230 | 129 | 101 | 25 | 3 |
1709 | Is this mic on? | 1.2403 | 0.04371 | 129 | 102 | 23 | 4 |
1710 | Has anyone here tonight ever told their partner that a sense of humor is sexy? | 1.2403 | 0.03915 | 154 | 121 | 29 | 4 |
1711 | Sorry this is my first one night stand-up. | 1.2403 | 0.03915 | 154 | 121 | 29 | 4 |
1712 | So, how do you like me so far?....rimshot.." | 1.2400 | 0.04197 | 150 | 120 | 24 | 6 |
1713 | I still don't understand this role playing fantasy. | 1.2400 | 0.03746 | 150 | 116 | 32 | 2 |
1714 | How I am taking Shakespeare too literally?" | 1.2400 | 0.03978 | 150 | 118 | 28 | 4 |
1715 | Um, Carol? Are you ready for the punchline? | 1.2400 | 0.04458 | 125 | 99 | 22 | 4 |
1716 | I'm thinking, skip the comedy routine and get right to the magic act. | 1.2400 | 0.04600 | 125 | 100 | 20 | 5 |
1717 | I’d say inattention is the most sincerely form of heckling? | 1.2400 | 0.04158 | 125 | 97 | 26 | 2 |
1718 | Hello? Hello? Is this thing on? | 1.2400 | 0.03746 | 150 | 116 | 32 | 2 |
1719 | Günther Never was particularly good at pillow talk | 1.2400 | 0.03978 | 150 | 118 | 28 | 4 |
1720 | I know I keep bringing my work home with me. | 1.2397 | 0.03676 | 146 | 112 | 33 | 1 |
1721 | A man walks into his wife's bedroom... | 1.2397 | 0.04043 | 146 | 115 | 27 | 4 |
1722 | honey, i told you. i’m not gonna take this lying down! | 1.2397 | 0.04043 | 146 | 115 | 27 | 4 |
1723 | So my wife told me I need to improve my performance in bed... | 1.2397 | 0.04043 | 146 | 115 | 27 | 4 |
1724 | But enough about me, how was your day at work? | 1.2397 | 0.04395 | 121 | 95 | 23 | 3 |
1725 | Did you not tell me I needed to improve my performance in the bedroom? | 1.2397 | 0.04395 | 121 | 95 | 23 | 3 |
1726 | I guess I'm not getting laid tonight. | 1.2397 | 0.04549 | 121 | 96 | 21 | 4 |
1727 | I know Green Eggs and Ham is your favorite, but would you like me off the bed, would you like be dressed in red? Would you could you in the dark? | 1.2397 | 0.04698 | 121 | 97 | 19 | 5 |
1728 | But you’ve always said I’m a stand-up kind of guy. | 1.2394 | 0.03989 | 142 | 111 | 28 | 3 |
1729 | I remember a time when we used to do other things in bed. | 1.2394 | 0.04232 | 142 | 113 | 24 | 5 |
1730 | That's fine, I'll wait. I'm here all night. | 1.2394 | 0.04232 | 142 | 113 | 24 | 5 |
1731 | Is this 6 feet away? | 1.2394 | 0.04232 | 142 | 113 | 24 | 5 |
1732 | I’m an alcoholic. | 1.2394 | 0.04232 | 142 | 113 | 24 | 5 |
1733 | Anyone here from out of wedlock? | 1.2394 | 0.04462 | 142 | 115 | 20 | 7 |
1734 | Deeper? I thought you said louder. | 1.2394 | 0.04462 | 142 | 115 | 20 | 7 |
1735 | And to all, a Good Night. | 1.2391 | 0.04056 | 138 | 108 | 27 | 3 |
1736 | How we feeling tonight? | 1.2391 | 0.04056 | 138 | 108 | 27 | 3 |
1737 | Try the veal… | 1.2391 | 0.04185 | 138 | 109 | 25 | 4 |
1738 | Hay! I'm dying here! | 1.2391 | 0.04430 | 138 | 111 | 21 | 6 |
1739 | Tonight's silent treatment is brought to you by Audible. | 1.2391 | 0.04185 | 138 | 109 | 25 | 4 |
1740 | Thank you. | 1.2391 | 0.04548 | 138 | 112 | 19 | 7 |
1741 | The election's not for two more years, Ralph. Would you practice in the den, I'm trying to read. | 1.2390 | 0.04133 | 159 | 128 | 24 | 7 |
1742 | Have I told you the one about the donkey and the frog? | 1.2388 | 0.04261 | 134 | 106 | 24 | 4 |
1743 | Talk about a tough crowd. | 1.2388 | 0.03989 | 134 | 104 | 28 | 2 |
1744 | Wow my thoughts are so loud it's like there's another person in this room | 1.2388 | 0.04391 | 134 | 107 | 22 | 5 |
1745 | Waiting for Mike to drop | 1.2387 | 0.04203 | 155 | 125 | 23 | 7 |
1746 | Thanks, you've been a wonderful audience. I'll be here all week. Try the veal. | 1.2387 | 0.04203 | 155 | 125 | 23 | 7 |
1747 | Dave, I don’t think stand-up comedy is your thing. | 1.2387 | 0.03783 | 155 | 121 | 31 | 3 |
1748 | Little help here? You know I've got performance issues. | 1.2387 | 0.03671 | 155 | 120 | 33 | 2 |
1749 | This monologue is also directed at my wife. | 1.2387 | 0.03999 | 155 | 123 | 27 | 5 |
1750 | Now lemme tell ya 'bout chapter 7... | 1.2386 | 0.03692 | 176 | 139 | 32 | 5 |
1751 | Anything on there on how to approve my act? | 1.2385 | 0.04859 | 109 | 87 | 18 | 4 |
1752 | Okay, I see your point: an opening act isn’t foreplay. | 1.2385 | 0.04202 | 130 | 102 | 25 | 3 |
1753 | Well, looks like you're not in the mood for standup. | 1.2385 | 0.04057 | 130 | 101 | 27 | 2 |
1754 | Our marriage is a joke. | 1.2385 | 0.04202 | 130 | 102 | 25 | 3 |
1755 | My therapist thinks I need to try new things. So I tried my wife's cooking. How do you burn fruit salad? | 1.2385 | 0.04477 | 130 | 104 | 21 | 5 |
1756 | Where are you from? | 1.2385 | 0.04608 | 130 | 105 | 19 | 6 |
1757 | Hey great to see everyone here tonight! Thanks for coming out! Remember, past performance doesn’t predict future results…and hey a shout out to Jane the brain Austen. | 1.2384 | 0.04378 | 151 | 123 | 20 | 8 |
1758 | Thank you for purchasing the new Audible 3D experience.” | 1.2384 | 0.03954 | 151 | 119 | 28 | 4 |
1759 | I don't wanna spoil the ending for you...but the comic kills. | 1.2384 | 0.03652 | 172 | 135 | 33 | 4 |
1760 | I want more than just a one night stand-up. | 1.2381 | 0.04245 | 147 | 118 | 23 | 6 |
1761 | I just flew in from Kansas and boy, are my arms tired! Why do bees hum? Because they don't know the words. Is this thing on? Wake my wife...please! | 1.2381 | 0.04704 | 126 | 102 | 18 | 6 |
1762 | A book lover never goes to bed alone! | 1.2381 | 0.04426 | 126 | 100 | 22 | 4 |
1763 | You’ve been a great audience. I’ll be here all week. | 1.2378 | 0.03656 | 164 | 128 | 33 | 3 |
1764 | Take my wife . . . may I? | 1.2378 | 0.03965 | 143 | 112 | 28 | 3 |
1765 | ... testing ... testing ... is this on? | 1.2378 | 0.04321 | 143 | 115 | 22 | 6 |
1766 | Let's face it folks: I get no respect. | 1.2378 | 0.04087 | 143 | 113 | 26 | 4 |
1767 | I don’t read a lot myself, I can’t even read the room.. | 1.2378 | 0.04206 | 143 | 114 | 24 | 5 |
1768 | Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think this nerdy, repressed, bookworm and 1950's era sexist 'comic' cosplaying is working out too well. | 1.2377 | 0.04516 | 122 | 97 | 21 | 4 |
1769 | I'm sorry my jokes aren't funny. But you get big laughs from Nietzsche? | 1.2377 | 0.04807 | 122 | 99 | 17 | 6 |
1770 | It's so odd that you read in bed. | 1.2376 | 0.03538 | 181 | 142 | 35 | 4 |
1771 | I'd like to start tonight with a toast. | 1.2375 | 0.04013 | 160 | 128 | 26 | 6 |
1772 | Don't get me wrong—I'm happy for the work even though it is just as a sleep aid. | 1.2374 | 0.04282 | 139 | 111 | 23 | 5 |
1773 | ?Some Enchanted Evening… | 1.2374 | 0.04282 | 139 | 111 | 23 | 5 |
1774 | I thought we could use a little levity in the bedroom. | 1.2374 | 0.04158 | 139 | 110 | 25 | 4 |
1775 | Sorry lady I only do bathroom humor | 1.2373 | 0.04451 | 118 | 93 | 22 | 3 |
1776 | Soooo, this is NOT what you were hoping for in upping my performance in bed? | 1.2373 | 0.04113 | 118 | 91 | 26 | 1 |
1777 | How many ways do I have to say “I’m sorry”? | 1.2372 | 0.04179 | 156 | 126 | 23 | 7 |
1778 | I’d like to thank the Academy… | 1.2372 | 0.04079 | 156 | 125 | 25 | 6 |
1779 | When they said it was time to put my standup routine to bed this isn’t quite what I’d envisioned | 1.2372 | 0.04079 | 156 | 125 | 25 | 6 |
1780 | And thanks to my beautiful wife for her constant attention and support for what I do,,, | 1.2370 | 0.04233 | 135 | 107 | 24 | 4 |
1781 | When your book comes with an accompanist | 1.2370 | 0.04233 | 135 | 107 | 24 | 4 |
1782 | Who’s the joke now, Cheryl? | 1.2370 | 0.04608 | 135 | 110 | 18 | 7 |
1783 | I suppose you wonder why I called you here tonight ..... | 1.2368 | 0.04147 | 152 | 122 | 24 | 6 |
1784 | I swear it will not happen again | 1.2368 | 0.04370 | 114 | 89 | 23 | 2 |
1785 | Any Seuss fans out there? | 1.2368 | 0.04370 | 114 | 89 | 23 | 2 |
1786 | Before I close tonight I’d like to remind everyone that I’m here every night until the mortgage is paid off, so feel free to come back any night, and bring a friend. | 1.2368 | 0.04370 | 114 | 89 | 23 | 2 |
1787 | Wouldn’t it be easier to just subscribe to Audible? | 1.2368 | 0.04147 | 152 | 122 | 24 | 6 |
1788 | HER thought: Really shouldn't read too much into this guy's performance. | 1.2367 | 0.03778 | 169 | 134 | 30 | 5 |
1789 | You know my love language is all the attention. | 1.2366 | 0.04174 | 131 | 103 | 25 | 3 |
1790 | Hello? Hello? Can you hear me now? | 1.2366 | 0.04312 | 131 | 104 | 23 | 4 |
1791 | I thought stepping on your feet would get your attention. Works at the bar. | 1.2366 | 0.04174 | 131 | 103 | 25 | 3 |
1792 | Welcome to your book reader trial. If you don’t cancel in 30 days, we’ll make it easy by billing your credit card monthly forever. | 1.2366 | 0.04174 | 131 | 103 | 25 | 3 |
1793 | Please join me in raising a glass to the happy couple. | 1.2366 | 0.04174 | 131 | 103 | 25 | 3 |
1794 | And that’s why a right to privacy is not in the Constitution. | 1.2365 | 0.03878 | 148 | 116 | 29 | 3 |
1795 | Hello? Is the mic on?"...Yeah, like I was saying, so my wife told me she wanted me to be more entertaining in the bedroom. Know what I mean? | 1.2365 | 0.03878 | 148 | 116 | 29 | 3 |
1796 | Marriage is like a book. Mysteries are found between the covers. | 1.2365 | 0.04219 | 148 | 119 | 23 | 6 |
1797 | Not to make a blanket statement, but you never concentrate on me. | 1.2365 | 0.04219 | 148 | 119 | 23 | 6 |
1798 | Great to be here tonight. Are you from out of town, ma'am? | 1.2365 | 0.04326 | 148 | 120 | 21 | 7 |
1799 | So, any single ladies in the house? | 1.2365 | 0.04108 | 148 | 118 | 25 | 5 |
1800 | Hello…hello…testing 123, is this thing on? | 1.2365 | 0.04108 | 148 | 118 | 25 | 5 |
1801 | Honey, we need to talk | 1.2364 | 0.03834 | 165 | 131 | 29 | 5 |
1802 | …to get to the other side! Hello? Is this thing on? | 1.2364 | 0.03929 | 165 | 132 | 27 | 6 |
1803 | Wow, it's a really tough audience tonight. | 1.2362 | 0.04251 | 127 | 100 | 24 | 3 |
1804 | If you enjoyed that set, stick around for the midnight show when the material gets a little sexier. | 1.2362 | 0.04395 | 127 | 101 | 22 | 4 |
1805 | Now, if you turn to page 35 of your policy, I will address any concerns you may have regarding your privacy rights. | 1.2362 | 0.04671 | 127 | 103 | 18 | 6 |
1806 | It looks like our Audiobooks account has expired. | 1.2362 | 0.04395 | 127 | 101 | 22 | 4 |
1807 | But I only have eyes for you | 1.2362 | 0.04395 | 127 | 101 | 22 | 4 |
1808 | Was it good for you? | 1.2362 | 0.04395 | 127 | 101 | 22 | 4 |
1809 | Well, thanks for coming out tonight... | 1.2362 | 0.04101 | 127 | 99 | 26 | 2 |
1810 | I just flew in from your narrative, and boy are my tropes tired. | 1.2362 | 0.04535 | 127 | 102 | 20 | 5 |
1811 | I know you wanted to role play Handsome Librarian where I don't talk and you just read, but Bombing Comedian felt more apropos. | 1.2362 | 0.04395 | 127 | 101 | 22 | 4 |
1812 | I SAID, give it up for our host! | 1.2362 | 0.04535 | 127 | 102 | 20 | 5 |
1813 | What are you reading? | 1.2361 | 0.04294 | 144 | 116 | 22 | 6 |
1814 | So, you think I'm funny... | 1.2361 | 0.03815 | 144 | 112 | 30 | 2 |
1815 | We're not that different. You read books. I read the room. | 1.2361 | 0.04062 | 144 | 114 | 26 | 4 |
1816 | You prefer the Booker prize winner to me? | 1.2361 | 0.04180 | 144 | 115 | 24 | 5 |
1817 | Ok, how about I text you good night? | 1.2361 | 0.04180 | 144 | 115 | 24 | 5 |
1818 | Any out-of-towners in the audience tonight? | 1.2360 | 0.04087 | 161 | 130 | 24 | 7 |
1819 | My wife's so into me, my voice narrates all her novels. | 1.2357 | 0.03875 | 140 | 109 | 29 | 2 |
1820 | All the bed's a stage. | 1.2357 | 0.04132 | 140 | 111 | 25 | 4 |
1821 | Testing, Testing, 1, 2, 3, Testing | 1.2357 | 0.03741 | 157 | 123 | 31 | 3 |
1822 | Please don't ignore me. You know I'm always available! | 1.2357 | 0.03741 | 157 | 123 | 31 | 3 |
1823 | Your mother sent me to remind you to call her and to sit up straight | 1.2356 | 0.03615 | 174 | 137 | 33 | 4 |
1824 | Any ladies whose dreams have faded in the house tonight? | 1.2353 | 0.03797 | 136 | 105 | 30 | 1 |
1825 | so anyway my wife really loves to read, it's like i am not in the room she gets so into it | 1.2353 | 0.04418 | 119 | 94 | 22 | 3 |
1826 | I narrate by the hour, so you may want to read faster! | 1.2353 | 0.04333 | 136 | 109 | 22 | 5 |
1827 | "As your elected representative, here's a quick rundown of the kind of behavior we find acceptable in here." | 1.2353 | 0.04074 | 136 | 107 | 26 | 3 |
1828 | Could you put down your book for a few minutes, dear. Our marriage counselor told me you really like karaoke. | 1.2353 | 0.04457 | 136 | 110 | 20 | 6 |
1829 | It's always good to be back here in bed with you... | 1.2353 | 0.04205 | 136 | 108 | 24 | 4 |
1830 | My agent booked this gig. | 1.2353 | 0.03797 | 136 | 105 | 30 | 1 |
1831 | Well, that's the end of my time, you've been a terrific audience | 1.2353 | 0.04074 | 136 | 107 | 26 | 3 |
1832 | OK, we’re at the point in the show where someone in the audience is invited to join me in getting naked. | 1.2353 | 0.04027 | 170 | 138 | 24 | 8 |
1833 | I'm just trying to be a stand up guy | 1.2353 | 0.03905 | 119 | 91 | 28 | 0 |
1834 | …thank you for listening to Audible Live… #audible | 1.2353 | 0.04226 | 153 | 124 | 22 | 7 |
1835 | Anyone from Poughkeepsie here tonight? | 1.2349 | 0.04193 | 149 | 120 | 23 | 6 |
1836 | Did you hear the one about the guy who said “Love means never having to say you’re sorry” to his wife? | 1.2349 | 0.03855 | 149 | 117 | 29 | 3 |
1837 | You're just too good to be true. | 1.2348 | 0.04416 | 132 | 106 | 21 | 5 |
1838 | Please stand for the singing of our national anthem before nighty-night time. | 1.2348 | 0.04146 | 132 | 104 | 25 | 3 |
1839 | I wonder if Seinfeld has nights like this? | 1.2348 | 0.04283 | 132 | 105 | 23 | 4 |
1840 | What’s happened to us? We never make comedy anymore. | 1.2348 | 0.04545 | 132 | 107 | 19 | 6 |
1841 | Just buy the audio book next time. | 1.2348 | 0.04416 | 132 | 106 | 21 | 5 |
1842 | Testing.... Testing. Norma, I was expecting a little more enthusiasm on our wedding night. | 1.2345 | 0.04268 | 145 | 117 | 22 | 6 |
1843 | I'm here all week, two shows a night. Be sure and bring your friends. | 1.2345 | 0.04154 | 145 | 116 | 24 | 5 |
1844 | HUSBAND TO WIFE, CALLING HUSBAND TO WIFE , COME IN PLEASE!! | 1.2345 | 0.04154 | 145 | 116 | 24 | 5 |
1845 | Put down the audio book - I’m your video book. | 1.2345 | 0.04154 | 145 | 116 | 24 | 5 |
1846 | So as I get set to retire again let me just say ....... | 1.2345 | 0.03916 | 145 | 114 | 28 | 3 |
1847 | No respect, I tell ya. | 1.2345 | 0.04037 | 145 | 115 | 26 | 4 |
1848 | Did you reach the chapter on the G-spot? | 1.2345 | 0.04268 | 145 | 117 | 22 | 6 |
1849 | Glad you could come out tonight. | 1.2345 | 0.04486 | 145 | 119 | 18 | 8 |
1850 | I won't hold my breath for a standing ovation." | 1.2344 | 0.04221 | 128 | 101 | 24 | 3 |
1851 | a special request | 1.2344 | 0.04073 | 128 | 100 | 26 | 2 |
1852 | So doc, did you hear the one about the comedian and the orthopedist? One couldn't get a laugh, the other couldn't get a break. | 1.2344 | 0.04073 | 128 | 100 | 26 | 2 |
1853 | Any visitors from out of town? | 1.2342 | 0.04032 | 158 | 127 | 25 | 6 |
1854 | So, a guy comes home from a bar, and his wife...oh, I see you've already heard this one. | 1.2340 | 0.04106 | 141 | 112 | 25 | 4 |
1855 | We are in the home stretch ladies and gentlemen. Two pages to go and she will know the answer to the age old question. | 1.2340 | 0.04227 | 141 | 113 | 23 | 5 |
1856 | …and, I especially want to thank my wife for her unfailing interest in and support for my work. | 1.2340 | 0.03851 | 141 | 110 | 29 | 2 |
1857 | Now some Stand-Up Comedy so Bedtime is not the Same-Old, Same-Old Routine. | 1.2339 | 0.04451 | 124 | 99 | 21 | 4 |
1858 | Hello? Can you hear me in the back? | 1.2339 | 0.04737 | 124 | 101 | 17 | 6 |
1859 | This one is for all you loners out there.. | 1.2338 | 0.03775 | 154 | 121 | 30 | 3 |
1860 | Sadly this is only way I can get some sleep these days | 1.2338 | 0.04099 | 154 | 124 | 24 | 6 |
1861 | You said you wanted to pillow talk right? | 1.2336 | 0.04664 | 137 | 113 | 16 | 8 |
1862 | Is any one in the audience from my home bedroom? | 1.2336 | 0.04305 | 137 | 110 | 22 | 5 |
1863 | Anyone here tonight married? | 1.2336 | 0.03913 | 137 | 107 | 28 | 2 |
1864 | You might wonder why I’ve called us all together. | 1.2336 | 0.04178 | 137 | 109 | 24 | 4 |
1865 | I consider myself,the luckiest man man man, on the face of the earth earth earth. | 1.2336 | 0.04178 | 137 | 109 | 24 | 4 |
1866 | Is that light for me or you? | 1.2336 | 0.04048 | 137 | 108 | 26 | 3 |
1867 | Wife wants me to start working from home, but she knows I can't perform in bed | 1.2336 | 0.04428 | 137 | 111 | 20 | 6 |
1868 | I distinctly remember you saying, "funny is sexy. | 1.2333 | 0.04543 | 120 | 96 | 20 | 4 |
1869 | And here is the last person on Earth reading a traditional book. | 1.2333 | 0.03948 | 150 | 119 | 27 | 4 |
1870 | Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to announce that I will again be pleasuring myself this evening. | 1.2333 | 0.04543 | 120 | 96 | 20 | 4 |
1871 | I know you're not expecting much, but tonight you're in for a more memorable four minutes. | 1.2331 | 0.04225 | 163 | 134 | 20 | 9 |
1872 | I swear, I’m a real stand up guy. | 1.2331 | 0.04118 | 133 | 105 | 25 | 3 |
1873 | Should I use my invisibility for good, or for evil? | 1.2331 | 0.04639 | 133 | 109 | 17 | 7 |
1874 | This next bit is about mansplaining | 1.2331 | 0.03977 | 133 | 104 | 27 | 2 |
1875 | This guy gets off the train in Cleveland… | 1.2329 | 0.04241 | 146 | 118 | 22 | 6 |
1876 | I have a mistress who’d rather have sex than read a book. | 1.2329 | 0.04128 | 146 | 117 | 24 | 5 |
1877 | My Reoccurring Nightmare … My ExHusband “The Stand Up Comedian” Works out his new material | 1.2329 | 0.04128 | 146 | 117 | 24 | 5 |
1878 | So, anybody here from out of town? | 1.2328 | 0.04952 | 116 | 95 | 15 | 6 |
1879 | The big surprise is on page 20. She learns to love reading again after years of listening to podcasts. | 1.2327 | 0.03591 | 159 | 124 | 33 | 2 |
1880 | Folks, it’s true. She’ s off the phone and reading a book! | 1.2326 | 0.04335 | 129 | 103 | 22 | 4 |
1881 | A priest, a rabbi and a failing marriage walk into a bar... | 1.2326 | 0.04045 | 129 | 101 | 26 | 2 |
1882 | She turns the page—speeds through the next and yes! It looks like Sheilas gonna finish this one tonight! | 1.2326 | 0.04472 | 129 | 104 | 20 | 5 |
1883 | Is she going to hit her 2022 reading goal?!?!" | 1.2326 | 0.04735 | 129 | 106 | 16 | 7 |
1884 | So - where are you from? | 1.2324 | 0.03956 | 142 | 112 | 27 | 3 |
1885 | I'd rather buy you the Audible version. | 1.2324 | 0.03956 | 142 | 112 | 27 | 3 |
1886 | Honey, it's almost like you don't want me to succeed! | 1.2324 | 0.03827 | 142 | 111 | 29 | 2 |
1887 | That's what she said! | 1.2323 | 0.03971 | 155 | 124 | 26 | 5 |
1888 | It's called foreplay honey | 1.2323 | 0.03754 | 155 | 122 | 30 | 3 |
1889 | Were you stationed at Camp LeJeune between 1953 and 1988? If so you could be owed significant compensation | 1.2321 | 0.04909 | 112 | 91 | 16 | 5 |
1890 | he's one stand-up guy | 1.2320 | 0.03601 | 181 | 144 | 32 | 5 |
1891 | Let's see. What else... | 1.2320 | 0.04563 | 125 | 101 | 19 | 5 |
1892 | I'm hereby resigning to spend less time with my family. | 1.2320 | 0.03957 | 125 | 97 | 27 | 1 |
1893 | Hi everyone,it's getting late and we're all a little tired,so I'll try to keep this short. | 1.2320 | 0.04419 | 125 | 100 | 21 | 4 |
1894 | What's the deal with our marriage? | 1.2319 | 0.04277 | 138 | 111 | 22 | 5 |
1895 | I thought you wanted a solid 5 minutes? | 1.2319 | 0.04022 | 138 | 109 | 26 | 3 |
1896 | Now, before I bring out Larry the Cable Guy.... | 1.2319 | 0.04151 | 138 | 110 | 24 | 4 |
1897 | Why don't you act like a Romanian and give your Bucharest! | 1.2319 | 0.04151 | 138 | 110 | 24 | 4 |
1898 | I take it you're not interested in the personalized free Audible trial? | 1.2319 | 0.04277 | 138 | 111 | 22 | 5 |
1899 | „Okay, this is what I’am after 3 years of my covid lockdown tour.“ | 1.2319 | 0.04399 | 138 | 112 | 20 | 6 |
1900 | Dorothy reads up on how to stop her dad drinking, singing and standing on furniture. | 1.2318 | 0.04144 | 151 | 122 | 23 | 6 |
1901 | Take my wife, please! Is this thing on? | 1.2316 | 0.03737 | 177 | 142 | 29 | 6 |
1902 | Figures. You haven't like anything else I've tried in bed. | 1.2314 | 0.04025 | 121 | 94 | 26 | 1 |
1903 | Shouldn't have ordered an audiobook | 1.2314 | 0.04192 | 121 | 95 | 24 | 2 |
1904 | Please put the hymn book down ma’am. I work alone. | 1.2313 | 0.04226 | 134 | 107 | 23 | 4 |
1905 | My wife hogs the pillows and comforter so much I have to wear a down feather suit to bed | 1.2313 | 0.04484 | 134 | 109 | 19 | 6 |
1906 | Attention; in exactly 30 minutes foreplay will commence. | 1.2313 | 0.04226 | 134 | 107 | 23 | 4 |
1907 | When I suggested we go to bed together, this was not what I had in mind! | 1.2313 | 0.04091 | 134 | 106 | 25 | 3 |
1908 | This is a song about some sheep | 1.2313 | 0.03952 | 134 | 105 | 27 | 2 |
1909 | She hadn’t realized bringing main character energy would include a narrator. | 1.2313 | 0.04091 | 134 | 106 | 25 | 3 |
1910 | Still can’t get your attention? | 1.2313 | 0.04215 | 147 | 119 | 22 | 6 |
1911 | When you won’t go to your husband’s comedy show | 1.2313 | 0.04103 | 147 | 118 | 24 | 5 |
1912 | At least I’m trying to improve my performance in the bedroom. | 1.2312 | 0.03987 | 160 | 129 | 25 | 6 |
1913 | Well, at least I don't have to say, 'You could be at home right now.' | 1.2312 | 0.03680 | 160 | 126 | 31 | 3 |
1914 | Suddenly, the horrors of the book lept off the page and onto the bed in front of her. | 1.2312 | 0.04085 | 160 | 130 | 23 | 7 |
1915 | So this is what my agent meant by 'an exclusive gig at a bed and breakfast'. | 1.2308 | 0.04025 | 169 | 138 | 23 | 8 |
1916 | OK Helen, but this is the last audio book for tonight. | 1.2308 | 0.04055 | 143 | 114 | 25 | 4 |
1917 | Glad to be here tonight! I see that some of you are just here for the drinks | 1.2308 | 0.03931 | 143 | 113 | 27 | 3 |
1918 | Here’s one… What’s black and white and read all over again? | 1.2308 | 0.04305 | 130 | 104 | 22 | 4 |
1919 | Did you use Ticketmaster’s dynamic pricing algorithm? | 1.2308 | 0.04052 | 156 | 126 | 24 | 6 |
1920 | Take my wife...and her goddamn book club, please. | 1.2308 | 0.04305 | 130 | 104 | 22 | 4 |
1921 | Yes, drinking does help my performance anxiety. | 1.2308 | 0.03733 | 156 | 123 | 30 | 3 |
1922 | I bombed last night but tonight I think I'll kill. | 1.2308 | 0.04305 | 130 | 104 | 22 | 4 |
1923 | Welcome to the Comedy Bed. I'll be here all night. | 1.2308 | 0.04604 | 117 | 94 | 19 | 4 |
1924 | It looks like I'm the closer for the open mic tonight. | 1.2308 | 0.04096 | 117 | 91 | 25 | 1 |
1925 | Nightstand comedy! Brought to you by Insomnia, so funny the sheep forgot to laugh. | 1.2308 | 0.03846 | 169 | 136 | 27 | 6 |
1926 | So miss where abouts are you from? | 1.2308 | 0.04174 | 143 | 115 | 23 | 5 |
1927 | Don’t think that book needs no introduction! | 1.2303 | 0.03788 | 152 | 120 | 29 | 3 |
1928 | I guess it is funnier when you tell it… | 1.2303 | 0.04119 | 152 | 123 | 23 | 6 |
1929 | Welcome to books read live in bed...It was a lazy Sunday. The skies were filled with... | 1.2302 | 0.03864 | 139 | 109 | 28 | 2 |
1930 | Before you slip into unconsciousness, I'd like to have another kiss. | 1.2302 | 0.04125 | 139 | 111 | 24 | 4 |
1931 | As always,audience participation is encouraged. | 1.2302 | 0.03996 | 139 | 110 | 26 | 3 |
1932 | spoiler alert on chapter three | 1.2302 | 0.04249 | 139 | 112 | 22 | 5 |
1933 | Is She Reading My Story, Again? | 1.2302 | 0.04088 | 126 | 99 | 25 | 2 |
1934 | No! But you said you only wanted to bring the musical bits to life. Now I gotta do the dishes too?! | 1.2302 | 0.04241 | 126 | 100 | 23 | 3 |
1935 | Look at this girl, pretending she doesn't care. What's your name, ma'am? | 1.2302 | 0.04388 | 126 | 101 | 21 | 4 |
1936 | So...'I've got a headache'...I could probably do an hour on this subject. | 1.2301 | 0.04171 | 113 | 88 | 24 | 1 |
1937 | I really don't know where this foreplay is going. | 1.2299 | 0.03680 | 187 | 151 | 29 | 7 |
1938 | Dear , can you atleast flip your book right side up ! | 1.2298 | 0.03659 | 161 | 127 | 31 | 3 |
1939 | I said I'm sorry | 1.2297 | 0.04298 | 148 | 121 | 20 | 7 |
1940 | When I was called in about a 'late night show' this isn't what I had in mind... | 1.2297 | 0.04298 | 148 | 121 | 20 | 7 |
1941 | Just don’t tell me how it ends alright | 1.2297 | 0.04078 | 148 | 119 | 24 | 5 |
1942 | And that's my speech. What did you think? Uh, Hon? | 1.2296 | 0.03926 | 135 | 106 | 27 | 2 |
1943 | I’d like to dedicate this next song to my wife who is back home in bed right now just waiting for me to come home and make sweet sweet love to her all night long. | 1.2296 | 0.04198 | 135 | 108 | 23 | 4 |
1944 | I'm taking Yoga classes so I can do this. | 1.2296 | 0.04328 | 135 | 109 | 21 | 5 |
1945 | Now that I have your undivided attention... | 1.2296 | 0.04198 | 135 | 108 | 23 | 4 |
1946 | You asked me to stand up for myself. | 1.2296 | 0.04064 | 135 | 107 | 25 | 3 |
1947 | Take you, please. | 1.2296 | 0.04064 | 135 | 107 | 25 | 3 |
1948 | That joke usually does a lot better out in the garage. | 1.2295 | 0.04322 | 122 | 97 | 22 | 3 |
1949 | Put the book down and I'll stop standing on your feet. | 1.2295 | 0.04476 | 122 | 98 | 20 | 4 |
1950 | I'm not sure our marriage counselor meant this by "try cosplay". | 1.2295 | 0.04322 | 122 | 97 | 22 | 3 |
1951 | You said you wanted us to have more fun in bed… | 1.2294 | 0.03916 | 170 | 138 | 25 | 7 |
1952 | Come on. Not even a heckle? | 1.2293 | 0.03600 | 157 | 123 | 32 | 2 |
1953 | ‘’My name is Ted and it’s been twenty one days since my last orgasm.” | 1.2293 | 0.04028 | 157 | 127 | 24 | 6 |
1954 | My wife once told me I was one in a million. | 1.2292 | 0.04264 | 144 | 117 | 21 | 6 |
1955 | They said I'd get a bigger crowd for my book tour if we made the audience more comfortable. | 1.2292 | 0.03781 | 144 | 113 | 29 | 2 |
1956 | You did the cover charge and I’ll handle the two-drink minimum. | 1.2292 | 0.04030 | 144 | 115 | 25 | 4 |
1957 | Sorry to interrupt but I have something important to tell you. | 1.2292 | 0.04376 | 144 | 118 | 19 | 7 |
1958 | And when I was 65, it was a so & so year, & my income was low when I was 65. | 1.2290 | 0.04542 | 131 | 107 | 18 | 6 |
1959 | Just flew in from a sales meeting in Akron, and boy are my arms tired! | 1.2289 | 0.03883 | 166 | 134 | 26 | 6 |
1960 | Thanks for showing up tonight. So...sex is way overrated, amirite? | 1.2288 | 0.04725 | 118 | 96 | 17 | 5 |
1961 | I’ve just had a request for “Good Night, Ladies.” | 1.2288 | 0.04408 | 118 | 94 | 21 | 3 |
1962 | I'd like to thank everyone for staying in tonight. | 1.2288 | 0.03651 | 153 | 120 | 31 | 2 |
1963 | Could someone bring the lights down? | 1.2288 | 0.03767 | 153 | 121 | 29 | 3 |
1964 | Check, Check, 1,2, 3, Check! | 1.2288 | 0.03988 | 153 | 123 | 25 | 5 |
1965 | No,really. I'm here all week. | 1.2286 | 0.04342 | 140 | 114 | 20 | 6 |
1966 | I’m here all night, folk. | 1.2286 | 0.03971 | 140 | 111 | 26 | 3 |
1967 | Yes Virginia,this IS the holographic version of your audiobook. | 1.2286 | 0.04098 | 140 | 112 | 24 | 4 |
1968 | Could I ask you to silence your alarm clock? | 1.2286 | 0.03971 | 140 | 111 | 26 | 3 |
1969 | ...and I'd like to thank my wife for supporting all the late nights. | 1.2286 | 0.03839 | 140 | 110 | 28 | 2 |
1970 | his performance in bed was.. laughable | 1.2286 | 0.04098 | 140 | 112 | 24 | 4 |
1971 | I'll have what she's having | 1.2286 | 0.03839 | 140 | 110 | 28 | 2 |
1972 | You’re so woke you can’t even sleep through my stand up anymore. | 1.2284 | 0.04039 | 162 | 132 | 23 | 7 |
1973 | Of course I know you're not "tweety pie". | 1.2284 | 0.03640 | 162 | 128 | 31 | 3 |
1974 | The original Audiobook | 1.2284 | 0.03844 | 162 | 130 | 27 | 5 |
1975 | …and what’s the deal with sleeping these days? Am I right?! | 1.2283 | 0.04211 | 127 | 101 | 23 | 3 |
1976 | You evidently heard this joke before. | 1.2283 | 0.04498 | 127 | 103 | 19 | 5 |
1977 | Actually, this was my shrinks idea. | 1.2283 | 0.03903 | 127 | 99 | 27 | 1 |
1978 | So my wife says we should be doing do what makes us happy in bed... great idea. | 1.2283 | 0.04357 | 127 | 102 | 21 | 4 |
1979 | This one’s a little number I wrote about lonely men and their indifferent partners. | 1.2282 | 0.03824 | 149 | 118 | 28 | 3 |
1980 | Final announcement: Lights out in 15 minutes. You have 15 minutes to finish the page and insert bookmark before darkness descends. | 1.2281 | 0.04499 | 114 | 91 | 20 | 3 |
1981 | Honey, this doesn't work unless you heckle me. Like, hard. | 1.2281 | 0.04323 | 114 | 90 | 22 | 2 |
1982 | Would it help if I told a few jokes? | 1.2279 | 0.04038 | 136 | 108 | 25 | 3 |
1983 | (Borat voice) MY WIFE! | 1.2279 | 0.04424 | 136 | 111 | 19 | 6 |
1984 | Sing like there's no one listening | 1.2279 | 0.03901 | 136 | 107 | 27 | 2 |
1985 | Hello and welcome to audible, the platform that allows you to listen to books and podcast from the comfort of your own bed | 1.2279 | 0.04171 | 136 | 109 | 23 | 4 |
1986 | I'm guessing a toast wasn't the sort of proposal you had in mind. | 1.2276 | 0.04443 | 123 | 99 | 20 | 4 |
1987 | Are you sure that survey says this is your love language? | 1.2276 | 0.04443 | 123 | 99 | 20 | 4 |
1988 | So maybe I'm not a good listener... | 1.2276 | 0.03968 | 123 | 96 | 26 | 1 |
1989 | I feel like we can't read each other anymore. | 1.2276 | 0.04132 | 123 | 97 | 24 | 2 |
1990 | You used to like my jokes | 1.2276 | 0.03968 | 123 | 96 | 26 | 1 |
1991 | You’re still not thrilled with my performance. | 1.2276 | 0.04132 | 123 | 97 | 24 | 2 |
1992 | Anna-Maria is reading along steadily... No wait! Mr. Darcy is proposing to Elizabeth a second time. Anna-Maria slows to a crawl! | 1.2276 | 0.03758 | 145 | 114 | 29 | 2 |
1993 | I’m not sure this is really better than doing stand-up on zoom. | 1.2276 | 0.03883 | 145 | 115 | 27 | 3 |
1994 | But seriously, I can really feel the love in this room | 1.2276 | 0.03883 | 145 | 115 | 27 | 3 |
1995 | What do lawyers wear to bed? Lawsuits. | 1.2273 | 0.04381 | 132 | 107 | 20 | 5 |
1996 | I want to dedicate this song to the woman who used to love me more than her books. | 1.2273 | 0.03857 | 154 | 123 | 27 | 4 |
1997 | I’m a little nervous delivering this talk in such an intimate setting. | 1.2273 | 0.03732 | 176 | 142 | 28 | 6 |
1998 | To take our pillow talk to new heights.- wanna hear my retirement speech? | 1.2273 | 0.04381 | 132 | 107 | 20 | 5 |
1999 | He looked down at her from his lecture and thought, "She must be great in bed." | 1.2273 | 0.04381 | 132 | 107 | 20 | 5 |
2000 | To recap | 1.2273 | 0.04381 | 132 | 107 | 20 | 5 |
2001 | And the little lady hogs the spotlight once again. | 1.2273 | 0.03965 | 132 | 104 | 26 | 2 |
2002 | I’m just going to do some work in bed before falling asleep | 1.2273 | 0.04108 | 132 | 105 | 24 | 3 |
2003 | Lights, camera and lack of action | 1.2273 | 0.04071 | 154 | 125 | 23 | 6 |
2004 | Tonight it’s your turn to ME a standing o | 1.2273 | 0.04108 | 132 | 105 | 24 | 3 |
2005 | At least I'm avoiding blue light | 1.2273 | 0.04246 | 132 | 106 | 22 | 4 |
2006 | How am I supposed to follow THAT performance. | 1.2273 | 0.04595 | 110 | 88 | 19 | 3 |
2007 | You’ve been great. Really. See you tomorrow night. | 1.2270 | 0.03816 | 141 | 111 | 28 | 2 |
2008 | two lonely people, we were strangers in the night | 1.2270 | 0.03946 | 141 | 112 | 26 | 3 |
2009 | I hope my new bedtime routine isn’t too distracting. | 1.2270 | 0.04072 | 141 | 113 | 24 | 4 |
2010 | Your Spotify account now comes with a free live reading* | 1.2270 | 0.04653 | 141 | 118 | 14 | 9 |
2011 | Still not an audio book. | 1.2269 | 0.04375 | 119 | 95 | 21 | 3 |
2012 | Thank you. Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen. So, how many of you out there live here in New York? | 1.2269 | 0.04036 | 119 | 93 | 25 | 1 |
2013 | Why don't you ever support my hobbies? | 1.2267 | 0.03682 | 150 | 118 | 30 | 2 |
2014 | What a book… it’s like he’s in the room with me… ON my bed…. , well maybe not that good… | 1.2267 | 0.03801 | 150 | 119 | 28 | 3 |
2015 | …she used it as a BOOKMARK! Thank you. Thank you. My wife, folks.. | 1.2266 | 0.04466 | 128 | 104 | 19 | 5 |
2016 | Take it off sweetheart and show us what you’ve got. | 1.2263 | 0.04143 | 137 | 110 | 23 | 4 |
2017 | I just feel something’s gone out of our act. | 1.2263 | 0.04143 | 137 | 110 | 23 | 4 |
2018 | What’s the deal with women? It’s like they only keep us around to take out the garbage. | 1.2263 | 0.04271 | 137 | 111 | 21 | 5 |
2019 | I’m too tired for your heckling fantasy Carl. | 1.2263 | 0.04395 | 137 | 112 | 19 | 6 |
2020 | Are you now, or have you ever been, a member of the Communist Party? | 1.2263 | 0.04271 | 137 | 111 | 21 | 5 |
2021 | She was reading in bed," said the omniscient narrator | 1.2261 | 0.04289 | 115 | 91 | 22 | 2 |
2022 | I'm not so good at this fantasy stuff, hun. Hun? Testing one two three. | 1.2261 | 0.04464 | 115 | 92 | 20 | 3 |
2023 | And, finally, for making our marriage the plot of that novel, I say, I’m sorry. | 1.2261 | 0.04289 | 115 | 91 | 22 | 2 |
2024 | The movie was better | 1.2261 | 0.04464 | 115 | 92 | 20 | 3 |
2025 | You’ve been a great audience. I’m here all week. | 1.2260 | 0.03860 | 146 | 116 | 27 | 3 |
2026 | I thought you wanted to talk things out ? | 1.2260 | 0.03980 | 146 | 117 | 25 | 4 |
2027 | Since you find Barbara Cartland so riveting... | 1.2258 | 0.03942 | 155 | 125 | 25 | 5 |
2028 | Is this your idea of role-play | 1.2258 | 0.03942 | 155 | 125 | 25 | 5 |
2029 | Honey, being in the Toastmasters is everything to me. | 1.2258 | 0.04411 | 124 | 100 | 20 | 4 |
2030 | Could I have your attention please? | 1.2258 | 0.04411 | 124 | 100 | 20 | 4 |
2031 | I'd like to dedicate my performance tonight to my wife who is currently bedridden | 1.2258 | 0.04699 | 124 | 102 | 16 | 6 |
2032 | No laughing in the bedroom is more of a general rule. | 1.2258 | 0.03940 | 124 | 97 | 26 | 1 |
2033 | Hello? Is this mike on?’ | 1.2258 | 0.03942 | 155 | 125 | 25 | 5 |
2034 | Your profile said you were looking for a guy with a sense of humor. | 1.2258 | 0.04260 | 124 | 99 | 22 | 3 |
2035 | It's harder to get a laugh here than it was to find the white whale. | 1.2258 | 0.03940 | 124 | 97 | 26 | 1 |
2036 | Hello, Jenny. Hello. | 1.2258 | 0.03491 | 155 | 121 | 33 | 1 |
2037 | Thank you, thank you, I am YOUR anxiety! So what’s the deal with everyone hating you? | 1.2258 | 0.03942 | 155 | 125 | 25 | 5 |
2038 | Take my wife – you. | 1.2256 | 0.04218 | 133 | 107 | 22 | 4 |
2039 | I can’t do this all myself; we’re supposed to be communicating better! | 1.2256 | 0.04218 | 133 | 107 | 22 | 4 |
2040 | Take my apology – please!” | 1.2256 | 0.03939 | 133 | 105 | 26 | 2 |
2041 | Do I come to your work and ignore you ? | 1.2254 | 0.04168 | 142 | 115 | 22 | 5 |
2042 | Attention! Can you hear me now? | 1.2254 | 0.04168 | 142 | 115 | 22 | 5 |
2043 | Our life was perfect. Then one day, my wife picked up a book by Colleen Hoover. | 1.2254 | 0.03921 | 142 | 113 | 26 | 3 |
2044 | Lenny Bruce is my spirit animal. | 1.2254 | 0.04047 | 142 | 114 | 24 | 4 |
2045 | - “I can’t take your wife…I AM your wife.” | 1.2254 | 0.03792 | 142 | 112 | 28 | 2 |
2046 | Since you have posted in the past that being dumped via text was so tacky and insensitive, I have been hired by your now ex... | 1.2252 | 0.04183 | 111 | 87 | 23 | 1 |
2047 | Harry's foreplay routine needs a little improv. | 1.2252 | 0.03660 | 151 | 119 | 30 | 2 |
2048 | You've been a wonderful audience tonight. | 1.2252 | 0.03894 | 151 | 121 | 26 | 4 |
2049 | The flailing stand up comedian part is an odd fantasy Doug; however ignoring you while you try to be funny is one of my strengths. | 1.2252 | 0.04006 | 151 | 122 | 24 | 5 |
2050 | Alexa, volume up | 1.2252 | 0.04114 | 151 | 123 | 22 | 6 |
2051 | When you agreed to a one-night stand, I didn't realize you were quite literal ... and literate. | 1.2250 | 0.04501 | 120 | 97 | 19 | 4 |
2052 | And now, by special request--the classic 'Embraceable You'"... | 1.2250 | 0.04501 | 120 | 97 | 19 | 4 |
2053 | You laughed at my bit earlier! | 1.2250 | 0.03428 | 160 | 125 | 34 | 1 |
2054 | ?My heart.. is an open book??? | 1.2248 | 0.03850 | 129 | 101 | 27 | 1 |
2055 | Isnt this taking audio books a bit far? | 1.2248 | 0.04435 | 129 | 105 | 19 | 5 |
2056 | When I'm a famous comedian and raconteur, you'll be sorry that you spent so much time reading instead of encouraging me to rehearse my material. | 1.2248 | 0.04700 | 129 | 107 | 15 | 7 |
2057 | Hope I’m not interrupting a climatic scene ? | 1.2248 | 0.04570 | 129 | 106 | 17 | 6 |
2058 | For my next impression I'll do my bitter half ignoring me by pretending to read a book in bed | 1.2248 | 0.04700 | 129 | 107 | 15 | 7 |
2059 | You said you wanted me home at night. | 1.2246 | 0.03851 | 138 | 109 | 27 | 2 |
2060 | So is it my stand-up routine or the designer suit? | 1.2246 | 0.04366 | 138 | 113 | 19 | 6 |
2061 | ... and that was my monologue, folks, for the 287th night in a row. | 1.2246 | 0.03986 | 138 | 110 | 25 | 3 |
2062 | Am I right, fellas? | 1.2246 | 0.03711 | 138 | 108 | 29 | 1 |
2063 | Carol, it’s time to turn the page. | 1.2245 | 0.03956 | 147 | 118 | 25 | 4 |
2064 | I miss your inside voice. | 1.2244 | 0.04024 | 156 | 127 | 23 | 6 |
2065 | May I have your attention please? If you are the owner of an older model green Mustang convertible your headlights are on. | 1.2243 | 0.05023 | 107 | 88 | 14 | 5 |
2066 | Honey...d'ya wanna hear my new love language...? | 1.2242 | 0.03257 | 165 | 128 | 37 | 0 |
2067 | Are you sure you don't want the audiobook? | 1.2241 | 0.04077 | 116 | 91 | 24 | 1 |
2068 | Sorry for the short set, it’s been a while. | 1.2241 | 0.04911 | 116 | 96 | 14 | 6 |
2069 | My inner dialogue is getting more creative | 1.2241 | 0.04429 | 116 | 93 | 20 | 3 |
2070 | ...and finally...You're school bus'll be here in 15minutes | 1.2240 | 0.04524 | 125 | 102 | 18 | 5 |
2071 | There I'm standing up ! Am I any funnier now? | 1.2240 | 0.04074 | 125 | 99 | 24 | 2 |
2072 | With the stand-up comforter Susan could finally read horrific tales of serial terror late into the night with constant comic relief. | 1.2240 | 0.04524 | 125 | 102 | 18 | 5 |
2073 | If you aren't going to pay attention to me at least stop reading "How to murder your husband without anyone finding out" | 1.2239 | 0.04190 | 134 | 108 | 22 | 4 |
2074 | I know I'm just the warm-up act, but you could at least pretend to be interested. | 1.2239 | 0.04449 | 134 | 110 | 18 | 6 |
2075 | We're still not having fun in bed. | 1.2239 | 0.04449 | 134 | 110 | 18 | 6 |
2076 | It took an hour to get the darn mike working so at least look up Cindy | 1.2239 | 0.04190 | 134 | 108 | 22 | 4 |
2077 | And now the latest from our embedded reporter | 1.2238 | 0.04021 | 143 | 115 | 24 | 4 |
2078 | Your profile on the app said you wanted a stand-up guy. | 1.2238 | 0.03769 | 143 | 113 | 28 | 2 |
2079 | I’m here all week. Try the veal. | 1.2237 | 0.03871 | 152 | 122 | 26 | 4 |
2080 | LETS GET READY TO RUMBLE! | 1.2235 | 0.03708 | 170 | 137 | 28 | 5 |
2081 | Do you want to talk? | 1.2232 | 0.04151 | 112 | 88 | 23 | 1 |
2082 | ...speaking of books have you heard there's a new one on how to make your partner happy in bed? I didn't THINK you did! | 1.2231 | 0.04310 | 121 | 97 | 21 | 3 |
2083 | I now realize that you were being euphemistic when you asked for stand-up in bed… | 1.2231 | 0.04147 | 121 | 96 | 23 | 2 |
2084 | Hey dad, can’t you just say good night like a normal father? | 1.2231 | 0.04467 | 121 | 98 | 19 | 4 |
2085 | Thanks for calling 'Sleep Lullabies!'" | 1.2231 | 0.04310 | 121 | 97 | 21 | 3 |
2086 | What brings you to town? | 1.2231 | 0.04310 | 121 | 97 | 21 | 3 |
2087 | I guess it's true - all the world really is a stage. | 1.2231 | 0.04467 | 121 | 98 | 19 | 4 |
2088 | Marge’s last nerve stood on end as Marty continued his work from home stand up comedian job. | 1.2231 | 0.04125 | 130 | 104 | 23 | 3 |
2089 | Thank you. Thank you. It's great to be here. Who's from out-of-town? | 1.2231 | 0.04267 | 130 | 105 | 21 | 4 |
2090 | Anyone here from Chicago? | 1.2231 | 0.04125 | 130 | 104 | 23 | 3 |
2091 | I'll be performing here every night for the rest of your life whether you like it or not. | 1.2231 | 0.04793 | 130 | 109 | 13 | 8 |
2092 | May I please have your attention | 1.2231 | 0.04667 | 130 | 108 | 15 | 7 |
2093 | Well, you’re disrupting MY bedroom routine. | 1.2231 | 0.03825 | 130 | 102 | 27 | 1 |
2094 | How many sorries does it take to fix a relationship? | 1.2230 | 0.03688 | 139 | 109 | 29 | 1 |
2095 | I usually have a larger audience for my lecture on death and dying | 1.2230 | 0.03960 | 139 | 111 | 25 | 3 |
2096 | Excuse me, is my comedy interfering with your Jane Austen | 1.2230 | 0.03826 | 139 | 110 | 27 | 2 |
2097 | Don't worry, I'll be here all night! | 1.2230 | 0.03826 | 139 | 110 | 27 | 2 |
2098 | Picture this: A woman is lying in bed, reading a book. She is not aware that she is holding it upside down. | 1.2230 | 0.04090 | 139 | 112 | 23 | 4 |
2099 | Is this what you meant by a realistic setting for late-night talk show host auditions ? | 1.2230 | 0.04215 | 139 | 113 | 21 | 5 |
2100 | And now for a woman who reads no introduction. | 1.2230 | 0.03688 | 139 | 109 | 29 | 1 |
2101 | …and I’m the ghost of Christmas office parties… | 1.2230 | 0.04337 | 139 | 114 | 19 | 6 |
2102 | There she is folks, Miss America | 1.2230 | 0.04215 | 139 | 113 | 21 | 5 |
2103 | A funny thing happened on my way home. | 1.2230 | 0.03932 | 148 | 119 | 25 | 4 |
2104 | So I guess you don’t come here often. | 1.2230 | 0.03814 | 148 | 118 | 27 | 3 |
2105 | How many pages left? | 1.2230 | 0.04048 | 148 | 120 | 23 | 5 |
2106 | The doctor said it would help my performance in bed | 1.2230 | 0.03691 | 148 | 117 | 29 | 2 |
2107 | I'd like to take this time to make a toast to our varying interests. | 1.2222 | 0.03594 | 171 | 137 | 30 | 4 |
2108 | I bet Updike never had to do this. | 1.2222 | 0.04027 | 135 | 108 | 24 | 3 |
2109 | I'll be performing here every night for the next 40 or 50 years folks... | 1.2222 | 0.04492 | 126 | 103 | 18 | 5 |
2110 | Reading in bed, eating in bed, meeting in bed. I mean c‘mon! Whatever happened to just *sleeping* in bed? | 1.2222 | 0.04396 | 117 | 94 | 20 | 3 |
2111 | Gladys, it's time we acknowledge our routines are not compatible. | 1.2222 | 0.04200 | 126 | 101 | 22 | 3 |
2112 | It's really tough to perform in the bedroom when i've been drinking. | 1.2222 | 0.03885 | 126 | 99 | 26 | 1 |
2113 | I'll be here all week ... month ... year ... | 1.2222 | 0.04348 | 126 | 102 | 20 | 4 |
2114 | Can you hear me now? Just testing…1, 2, 3! | 1.2222 | 0.03849 | 153 | 123 | 26 | 4 |
2115 | Stop me if you've heard this one...I'm horny. | 1.2222 | 0.04492 | 126 | 103 | 18 | 5 |
2116 | Classic lay-down comedy | 1.2222 | 0.04233 | 144 | 118 | 20 | 6 |
2117 | I get no respect. | 1.2222 | 0.04200 | 126 | 101 | 22 | 3 |
2118 | I guess my appreciation for the arts has always been a bit broader than yours. | 1.2222 | 0.04396 | 117 | 94 | 20 | 3 |
2119 | Honey, is it the "Applause" sign that's bothering you? | 1.2222 | 0.04027 | 135 | 108 | 24 | 3 |
2120 | This compromise for karaoke night just isn’t working for me. | 1.2222 | 0.03611 | 162 | 129 | 30 | 3 |
2121 | How about some lay down comedy? | 1.2222 | 0.04046 | 126 | 100 | 24 | 2 |
2122 | Audiobooks Live! | 1.2222 | 0.04492 | 126 | 103 | 18 | 5 |
2123 | I don’t think this is how audiobooks work | 1.2222 | 0.04492 | 126 | 103 | 18 | 5 |
2124 | You said you wanted a stand-up husband. | 1.2222 | 0.04233 | 144 | 118 | 20 | 6 |
2125 | Hello? Is this on? Not that it would matter. | 1.2222 | 0.04225 | 117 | 93 | 22 | 2 |
2126 | Anybody here from out of town? ... Anybody here?! | 1.2222 | 0.04027 | 135 | 108 | 24 | 3 |
2127 | I'd like to propose a toast to celibacy. | 1.2222 | 0.04804 | 108 | 88 | 16 | 4 |
2128 | This next song is dedicated to a woman I used to know | 1.2222 | 0.04200 | 126 | 101 | 22 | 3 |
2129 | You see “performative” where I see “reflective and searching”. | 1.2222 | 0.03746 | 144 | 114 | 28 | 2 |
2130 | You won't mind if I practice my speech, will you? | 1.2222 | 0.03742 | 135 | 106 | 28 | 1 |
2131 | I hear you’ve been telling your friends your not impressed by my performance in the bedroom. | 1.2222 | 0.03959 | 153 | 124 | 24 | 5 |
2132 | Is the book really that good! | 1.2222 | 0.04348 | 126 | 102 | 20 | 4 |
2133 | I believe in holistic methods of stand-up to viagra | 1.2222 | 0.04027 | 135 | 108 | 24 | 3 |
2134 | Bob Seger was right. Turn the page. | 1.2222 | 0.04046 | 126 | 100 | 24 | 2 |
2135 | I would to toast this year’s award winner for most boring in bed. | 1.2222 | 0.04396 | 117 | 94 | 20 | 3 |
2136 | And now I’ll be reciting the same two pages you tried to read last night. | 1.2216 | 0.03836 | 167 | 136 | 25 | 6 |
2137 | You really want to hear "Strangers in the Night"? | 1.2215 | 0.03875 | 158 | 128 | 25 | 5 |
2138 | A lawyer and his estranged wife walk into a bar. | 1.2215 | 0.03909 | 149 | 120 | 25 | 4 |
2139 | Guess you’re double-booked.” | 1.2215 | 0.04023 | 149 | 121 | 23 | 5 |
2140 | It’s such a quiet night for bible reading. | 1.2215 | 0.04023 | 149 | 121 | 23 | 5 |
2141 | This crowd is so tough they won’t even heckle. | 1.2214 | 0.03935 | 140 | 112 | 25 | 3 |
2142 | 50 Shades... Hello? | 1.2214 | 0.04188 | 140 | 114 | 21 | 5 |
2143 | So . . . where you from? | 1.2214 | 0.04238 | 131 | 106 | 21 | 4 |
2144 | Ever notice how men…? Thank you, you’ve been a great audience tonight! | 1.2214 | 0.04374 | 131 | 107 | 19 | 5 |
2145 | Well, you wanted a lullaby! | 1.2214 | 0.03951 | 131 | 104 | 25 | 2 |
2146 | And now, direct from the doghouse, appearing nightly, I give you: "What kind of fool am I? | 1.2214 | 0.04097 | 131 | 105 | 23 | 3 |
2147 | All she wanted was a Kindle. | 1.2214 | 0.04238 | 131 | 106 | 21 | 4 |
2148 | What do you mean that's not what a late-night comic is? | 1.2213 | 0.04434 | 122 | 99 | 19 | 4 |
2149 | Even though I killed my wife twenty years ago, chopped her up and ate her, I still have dreams where she's alive and reading in bed, and I'm making my wedding toast... | 1.2213 | 0.04117 | 122 | 97 | 23 | 2 |
2150 | The candyman can....No he can't. | 1.2213 | 0.04117 | 122 | 97 | 23 | 2 |
2151 | I’m practicing my stand up routine to get use to an audience I know will not laugh at any of my jokes. | 1.2209 | 0.03670 | 172 | 139 | 28 | 5 |
2152 | (clearing throat)...And if I can get your attention, please.... | 1.2209 | 0.03796 | 163 | 132 | 26 | 5 |
2153 | Thanks everyone! Again, I’m Sammy, the stay-at-home comic. You’ve been a great audience! I’ll be here all year! Be sure and tip your waitress! | 1.2208 | 0.04346 | 154 | 129 | 16 | 9 |
2154 | This will be short but sweet | 1.2208 | 0.03826 | 154 | 124 | 26 | 4 |
2155 | So what'd ya think about my new nightly routine? | 1.2207 | 0.03723 | 145 | 115 | 28 | 2 |
2156 | A rabbi, a mulla and a priest walk into a bar..... | 1.2207 | 0.03723 | 145 | 115 | 28 | 2 |
2157 | Good evening,your Hotness. A funny thing happened just now. I felt a scintilla... get it? "sin tilla?" Hahaha. Well,I felt a scintilla of sexual desire for you looking so salaciously erotic. I see you on a bear skin rug. Get it? Bare skin? Hahaha. | 1.2207 | 0.04318 | 145 | 120 | 18 | 7 |
2158 | It’s National Lullaby Month, honey, so whenever you’re ready… | 1.2207 | 0.04091 | 145 | 118 | 22 | 5 |
2159 | Let’s give a round of applause for the young lady in the front row who doesn’t appreciate comedy | 1.2207 | 0.03972 | 145 | 117 | 24 | 4 |
2160 | Thank you for not coming out tonight. | 1.2207 | 0.03723 | 145 | 115 | 28 | 2 |
2161 | And she says I never listen (eyeroll) | 1.2207 | 0.03723 | 145 | 115 | 28 | 2 |
2162 | Live read-along for Books on Tape | 1.2206 | 0.04000 | 136 | 109 | 24 | 3 |
2163 | I see you're neither shaken nor stirred. | 1.2205 | 0.04317 | 127 | 103 | 20 | 4 |
2164 | Don’t forget to tip your servers and I’ll see you tomorrow morning! | 1.2205 | 0.04017 | 127 | 101 | 24 | 2 |
2165 | ?It’s a quarter to three…there’s no one in the place except you and me? | 1.2203 | 0.04525 | 118 | 96 | 18 | 4 |
2166 | Have you heard the one about the lady who was reading her book upside down? | 1.2202 | 0.04393 | 109 | 87 | 20 | 2 |
2167 | I may be here all week... | 1.2199 | 0.03779 | 141 | 112 | 27 | 2 |
2168 | Please give me attention | 1.2199 | 0.04161 | 141 | 115 | 21 | 5 |
2169 | This next joke is dedicated to the children I will never have. | 1.2199 | 0.04038 | 141 | 114 | 23 | 4 |
2170 | Testing! testing! 123! Breakfast is ready. | 1.2199 | 0.03910 | 141 | 113 | 25 | 3 |
2171 | I did not realize that when they said I was being featured at the MGM Casino, it would be in such a small and intimate setting. | 1.2199 | 0.04281 | 141 | 116 | 19 | 6 |
2172 | Just as sure as I stand before you, I will NEVER forget your birthday again. (singing) Happy Burpthday to you..... | 1.2199 | 0.04038 | 141 | 114 | 23 | 4 |
2173 | Can we switch places toight? | 1.2199 | 0.04161 | 141 | 115 | 21 | 5 |
2174 | And for a full three minutes, Tamara convinced herself she would just read a book and not check her phone. | 1.2197 | 0.03924 | 132 | 105 | 25 | 2 |
2175 | Quarter to three....no one in the place...except you and me... | 1.2197 | 0.04209 | 132 | 107 | 21 | 4 |
2176 | I didn't know that being ignored would be worse that being heckled. | 1.2197 | 0.03924 | 132 | 105 | 25 | 2 |
2177 | And what's the deal with tiny chapters in books lately? Feels like I need a break from all these breaks! | 1.2197 | 0.03924 | 132 | 105 | 25 | 2 |
2178 | Audible’s newest membership tier: Read along with the narrator, letting them know each time they’ve made a mistake | 1.2197 | 0.04209 | 132 | 107 | 21 | 4 |
2179 | I wanted to make sure you heard the latest: there is no money in our joint checking or savings accounts, and I am leaving at dawn to live with Cecelia in MX. | 1.2195 | 0.04088 | 123 | 98 | 23 | 2 |
2180 | Even in my own bed I get no respect | 1.2195 | 0.03968 | 164 | 135 | 22 | 7 |
2181 | Your mother told you to go read a book but not at the cost of your marriage! | 1.2195 | 0.04088 | 123 | 98 | 23 | 2 |
2182 | Bill was trying to work every room in the city. | 1.2195 | 0.03775 | 164 | 133 | 26 | 5 |
2183 | Well this audience is a real sleeper. | 1.2195 | 0.04402 | 123 | 100 | 19 | 4 |
2184 | You're a tough audience. Thanks, I'll be here all week! | 1.2195 | 0.03921 | 123 | 97 | 25 | 1 |
2185 | And that's how I got blocked on Twitter | 1.2195 | 0.04088 | 123 | 98 | 23 | 2 |
2186 | The comedy business is a little slow these days... | 1.2192 | 0.03570 | 146 | 115 | 30 | 1 |
2187 | Hello! This is one hell of a honeymoon. | 1.2192 | 0.03826 | 146 | 117 | 26 | 3 |
2188 | And then there was the time she started dog-earring the books. That wasn't so funny. | 1.2192 | 0.04065 | 146 | 119 | 22 | 5 |
2189 | What do you mean the communication between us used to be much better? | 1.2192 | 0.03436 | 146 | 114 | 32 | 0 |
2190 | Strangers in the night/exchanging glances... Wondering in the night, what are the chances....." | 1.2190 | 0.04876 | 105 | 86 | 15 | 4 |
2191 | ...and so we come to the end of your unabridged audiobook novel. | 1.2190 | 0.04684 | 105 | 85 | 17 | 3 |
2192 | Usually you laugh when we’re in bed together. Is it the material or the delivery? | 1.2190 | 0.04107 | 137 | 111 | 22 | 4 |
2193 | Yeah, I know you are wishing you were already home in bed. | 1.2190 | 0.03974 | 137 | 110 | 24 | 3 |
2194 | Testing, one, two, three. | 1.2190 | 0.03974 | 137 | 110 | 24 | 3 |
2195 | Is this not what you meant by try something new in the bedroom, honey? | 1.2190 | 0.03694 | 137 | 108 | 28 | 1 |
2196 | When she says she likes dirty talk in bed | 1.2190 | 0.03837 | 137 | 109 | 26 | 2 |
2197 | I'm not narrating that book | 1.2190 | 0.03974 | 137 | 110 | 24 | 3 |
2198 | A giggle would be nice. Don't point. | 1.2188 | 0.03990 | 128 | 102 | 24 | 2 |
2199 | Funny | 1.2188 | 0.04428 | 128 | 105 | 18 | 5 |
2200 | Darrel to Karen… Do I stand a chance of sex with you tonight? | 1.2188 | 0.04287 | 128 | 104 | 20 | 4 |
2201 | My wife doesn't laugh at my performance in the bedroom anymore, so I've got that going for me. | 1.2185 | 0.03746 | 151 | 121 | 27 | 3 |
2202 | Okay, you're right. I need to get a better agent. | 1.2185 | 0.03626 | 151 | 120 | 29 | 2 |
2203 | You promised to help me with the Rotary speech for tomorrow. | 1.2185 | 0.03987 | 119 | 94 | 24 | 1 |
2204 | I'm ready to talk. | 1.2185 | 0.04491 | 119 | 97 | 18 | 4 |
2205 | And why you bid on me at the auction? | 1.2185 | 0.04329 | 119 | 96 | 20 | 3 |
2206 | You're stealing my spotlight. | 1.2183 | 0.04135 | 142 | 116 | 21 | 5 |
2207 | Talk to me -- is it my timing, the material or just the third cocktail that offends you? | 1.2183 | 0.04012 | 142 | 115 | 23 | 4 |
2208 | Seems like my performance in bed is the punch line. | 1.2183 | 0.04254 | 142 | 117 | 19 | 6 |
2209 | And I would like to thank my wife for her unending support. Uh, honey? | 1.2183 | 0.04254 | 142 | 117 | 19 | 6 |
2210 | Can I get a request for 'Strangers in the Night'? | 1.2180 | 0.04042 | 133 | 107 | 23 | 3 |
2211 | Once again ladies and gents, the timing is impeccable. I enter the bedroom and a book magically appears. | 1.2180 | 0.04042 | 133 | 107 | 23 | 3 |
2212 | Why yes: the going up WAS worth the coming down. | 1.2180 | 0.04042 | 133 | 107 | 23 | 3 |
2213 | And now, you've reached the final chapter, yes you read it YOUR WAY! | 1.2180 | 0.04314 | 133 | 109 | 19 | 5 |
2214 | Honey, are you sure you've had the two-drink minimum? | 1.2180 | 0.04180 | 133 | 108 | 21 | 4 |
2215 | And my wife said I should stop bringing my work home with me | 1.2179 | 0.03995 | 156 | 128 | 22 | 6 |
2216 | We don't seem to be communicating very well. | 1.2179 | 0.03671 | 156 | 125 | 28 | 3 |
2217 | Guide to filling for divorce without using an attorney | 1.2179 | 0.03890 | 156 | 127 | 24 | 5 |
2218 | And now, the end is near... | 1.2177 | 0.04058 | 124 | 99 | 23 | 2 |
2219 | What does it say about overcoming performance anxiety in the bedroom? | 1.2177 | 0.04517 | 124 | 102 | 17 | 5 |
2220 | announcing tonight's dream sequence springing from page 205. | 1.2177 | 0.04370 | 124 | 101 | 19 | 4 |
2221 | This isn't sexy as I thought it would be. | 1.2177 | 0.04217 | 124 | 100 | 21 | 3 |
2222 | You're really not helping my performance anxiety. | 1.2177 | 0.03893 | 124 | 98 | 25 | 1 |
2223 | Good evening, Ladies and bookworms. | 1.2177 | 0.04217 | 124 | 100 | 21 | 3 |
2224 | You told me to stand up for myself. | 1.2177 | 0.03893 | 124 | 98 | 25 | 1 |
2225 | Honey, honey, honey.....I'm home. | 1.2177 | 0.04370 | 124 | 101 | 19 | 4 |
2226 | You are delusional Doris! | 1.2177 | 0.03803 | 147 | 118 | 26 | 3 |
2227 | Take my wife...PLEASE take my wife! | 1.2177 | 0.03923 | 147 | 119 | 24 | 4 |
2228 | I know...whenever we're in bed, it's the same routine. | 1.2177 | 0.04040 | 147 | 120 | 22 | 5 |
2229 | Let's start with one more page. Do I hear one page? Ok, two more pages. Can I get five pages? Yup, five pages. How about 10 pages? 10 more pages. Can we finish the book tonight? Ok, going once. Going twice. Sold! To the woman finishing her book by 4 am. | 1.2177 | 0.03923 | 147 | 119 | 24 | 4 |
2230 | You said he makes you laugh. | 1.2174 | 0.03600 | 161 | 129 | 29 | 3 |
2231 | If I could have your attention, please … please? Pretty please? No, I mean it. | 1.2174 | 0.04080 | 138 | 112 | 22 | 4 |
2232 | Thank you. Thank you. I’m here all week. | 1.2174 | 0.03707 | 161 | 130 | 27 | 4 |
2233 | So, a Rabbi, a Priest and a walrus walk into a bar. If you heard this one just nod. Wait, I’m not bothering you am I? | 1.2174 | 0.03812 | 138 | 110 | 26 | 2 |
2234 | You don't learn stand-up by reading about it! | 1.2174 | 0.03949 | 138 | 111 | 24 | 3 |
2235 | The marriage therapist suggests I be more romantic in the bedroom, so put down the 40 Shades book and look at me! | 1.2174 | 0.04080 | 138 | 112 | 22 | 4 |
2236 | Please don't forget to tip your waitress." | 1.2174 | 0.03949 | 138 | 111 | 24 | 3 |
2237 | Life is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing." | 1.2171 | 0.03951 | 152 | 124 | 23 | 5 |
2238 | Once upon a time in a kingdom far away... | 1.2171 | 0.03962 | 129 | 103 | 24 | 2 |
2239 | Come on, give it to me. No laws against drinking and reading. | 1.2171 | 0.04257 | 129 | 105 | 20 | 4 |
2240 | So I just walked upstairs from 5C, wow is that some apartment. | 1.2171 | 0.04257 | 129 | 105 | 20 | 4 |
2241 | When I said I was looking for a stand-up guy like Mr. Darcy, this is not what I had in mind. | 1.2171 | 0.04112 | 129 | 104 | 22 | 3 |
2242 | I’d like to welcome you all to our open book night. | 1.2169 | 0.03635 | 166 | 134 | 28 | 4 |
2243 | My next request, is 'Lay Lady Lay." | 1.2168 | 0.03862 | 143 | 115 | 25 | 3 |
2244 | I'm the unreliable narrator, thank you, I'll be here all week. | 1.2168 | 0.03732 | 143 | 114 | 27 | 2 |
2245 | Unaccustomed to speaking as i am..... | 1.2168 | 0.03732 | 143 | 114 | 27 | 2 |
2246 | But you checked off you are looking for a stand up guy . | 1.2168 | 0.03597 | 143 | 113 | 29 | 1 |
2247 | My ‘stand up’ doesn’t work either. | 1.2167 | 0.04131 | 120 | 96 | 22 | 2 |
2248 | I'm here all week. Try the veal... and me, please? | 1.2167 | 0.04131 | 120 | 96 | 22 | 2 |
2249 | And why are people with insomnia some of the coolest? Because they are up for anything! | 1.2167 | 0.04457 | 120 | 98 | 18 | 4 |
2250 | I suppose you wonder why I've gathered you here. | 1.2166 | 0.04172 | 157 | 131 | 18 | 8 |
2251 | I'd like to thank my wife, without whose support, I'd still be doing bars and strip clubs | 1.2164 | 0.04285 | 134 | 110 | 19 | 5 |
2252 | Hey, getta load of this girl in the front row who brought a book! | 1.2164 | 0.03872 | 134 | 107 | 25 | 2 |
2253 | Sorry, lady, like I told you last night, telling me to refill your water glass doesn't count as the one drink minimum per set. | 1.2164 | 0.04414 | 134 | 111 | 17 | 6 |
2254 | Actually, I think I'd prefer if you just heckled me. | 1.2164 | 0.03872 | 134 | 107 | 25 | 2 |
2255 | I'm sorry you don't think this is funny. | 1.2164 | 0.03872 | 134 | 107 | 25 | 2 |
2256 | Nobody understands me. I had to buy my wife a dictionary just to talk to her. | 1.2164 | 0.04152 | 134 | 109 | 21 | 4 |
2257 | I thought you wanted a tight 5 | 1.2164 | 0.03872 | 134 | 107 | 25 | 2 |
2258 | Honestly you’re the BEST audience! Way better than yesterday at the bathroom! | 1.2164 | 0.04152 | 134 | 109 | 21 | 4 |
2259 | Get a Frank-Sinatra Audible version of this book for $1.99 now! | 1.2164 | 0.04015 | 134 | 108 | 23 | 3 |
2260 | This...is Audible... | 1.2162 | 0.04858 | 111 | 92 | 14 | 5 |
2261 | I guess you had to be there. | 1.2162 | 0.03780 | 148 | 119 | 26 | 3 |
2262 | Even my wife thinks my tight five lasts too long. | 1.2160 | 0.03686 | 162 | 131 | 27 | 4 |
2263 | Melania, are you listening to me? | 1.2160 | 0.04338 | 125 | 102 | 19 | 4 |
2264 | She used to be a sucker for standup | 1.2160 | 0.04338 | 125 | 102 | 19 | 4 |
2265 | If you don't mind slowing down, this audio book will sound a lot better. | 1.2158 | 0.04181 | 139 | 114 | 20 | 5 |
2266 | First audiobook tryout | 1.2158 | 0.03788 | 139 | 111 | 26 | 2 |
2267 | I’ll take my wife. Please? | 1.2158 | 0.03923 | 139 | 112 | 24 | 3 |
2268 | Wife take me, please. | 1.2158 | 0.03788 | 139 | 111 | 26 | 2 |
2269 | One hear this! | 1.2158 | 0.04181 | 139 | 114 | 20 | 5 |
2270 | As your personal Emcee I do everything but bedtime stories unfortunately. | 1.2157 | 0.03703 | 153 | 123 | 27 | 3 |
2271 | Give me your attention, Please! | 1.2157 | 0.03928 | 153 | 125 | 23 | 5 |
2272 | You're probably wondering why I called you here this evening . . . | 1.2155 | 0.04382 | 116 | 94 | 19 | 3 |
2273 | How many nights do I need to do this before you finally buy a real audio book? | 1.2155 | 0.04207 | 116 | 93 | 21 | 2 |
2274 | A man a dog, and two kids walk into the bedroom and the bartender says “I was just returning your wife’s room key” | 1.2155 | 0.04711 | 116 | 96 | 15 | 5 |
2275 | I see that at least one member of our audience tonight is dressed in a very inviting outfit. | 1.2154 | 0.04366 | 130 | 107 | 18 | 5 |
2276 | Define funny. | 1.2154 | 0.04227 | 130 | 106 | 20 | 4 |
2277 | It's great to be here tonight. Hope you're having as good a time as I am. | 1.2154 | 0.04084 | 130 | 105 | 22 | 3 |
2278 | We interrupt this book to give you this important announcement. | 1.2154 | 0.04084 | 130 | 105 | 22 | 3 |
2279 | Pardon the interruption but I am standing on your right foot | 1.2154 | 0.04084 | 130 | 105 | 22 | 3 |
2280 | How a conservative responds to a liberal late-night show host. | 1.2154 | 0.04366 | 130 | 107 | 18 | 5 |
2281 | So my wife and I in bed. Well that’s an open book. | 1.2154 | 0.04501 | 130 | 108 | 16 | 6 |
2282 | Hank, you’ve taken mansplaining to a whole new level. | 1.2154 | 0.04084 | 130 | 105 | 22 | 3 |
2283 | This Christmas Jim decided he'd pay for the audiobook subscription like Mary had asked. The year had been quite a strain on his vocal-cords. | 1.2154 | 0.04227 | 130 | 106 | 20 | 4 |
2284 | I never said I had a *good* five minutes. | 1.2154 | 0.03935 | 130 | 104 | 24 | 2 |
2285 | Infinite Jest is the greatest work of genius in the history of mankind | 1.2154 | 0.03935 | 130 | 104 | 24 | 2 |
2286 | The advertisement for a 'cushy comedy gig' was very misleading. | 1.2153 | 0.03962 | 144 | 117 | 23 | 4 |
2287 | No Bud. I said you ARE a, not TELL a. | 1.2153 | 0.03838 | 144 | 116 | 25 | 3 |
2288 | And no heckling this time, honey. OK? Um, so how’s everyone doing tonight? | 1.2153 | 0.04083 | 144 | 118 | 21 | 5 |
2289 | Wise men say only fools rush in | 1.2153 | 0.03709 | 144 | 115 | 27 | 2 |
2290 | ‘ Remember when you used to laugh at my jokes ‘ | 1.2153 | 0.03838 | 144 | 116 | 25 | 3 |
2291 | My mother-in-law is a lovely woman whom I have tremendous respect for, am I right? | 1.2149 | 0.04265 | 121 | 98 | 20 | 3 |
2292 | I'm at the foot of the bed and the end of your rope. | 1.2149 | 0.04424 | 121 | 99 | 18 | 4 |
2293 | Thank you darling for not being on your phone. | 1.2149 | 0.04265 | 121 | 98 | 20 | 3 |
2294 | Does 'for better and for worse' cover 'for-getting'? Happy anniversary. | 1.2148 | 0.04124 | 135 | 110 | 21 | 4 |
2295 | You don’t pay attention to me anymore. | 1.2148 | 0.04508 | 135 | 113 | 15 | 7 |
2296 | But seriously, no matter what I do my wife won't even look at me any more." | 1.2148 | 0.03700 | 135 | 107 | 27 | 1 |
2297 | Melania, Pretend you are listening. I just said we should tear up The Constitution. What do you think? Too strong? | 1.2148 | 0.04629 | 135 | 114 | 13 | 8 |
2298 | You said you wanted a "stand up" kind of guy. | 1.2148 | 0.03847 | 135 | 108 | 25 | 2 |
2299 | So how much much does my wife ignore me in bed? Well, I could do a whole stand up routine from the middle of the bed and she wouldn’t even heckle. | 1.2148 | 0.04256 | 135 | 111 | 19 | 5 |
2300 | And now, as a special treat for my loyal listeners I will yodel the entire Tchaikovsky violin concerto. | 1.2148 | 0.04256 | 135 | 111 | 19 | 5 |
2301 | Hey, is this thing on? This crowd is giving me nothing. | 1.2148 | 0.04256 | 135 | 111 | 19 | 5 |
2302 | so, uh, any guys here super into pegging? [throws voice] “whooooooo!!” | 1.2148 | 0.03634 | 149 | 119 | 28 | 2 |
2303 | It's a quarter to three.... | 1.2143 | 0.04028 | 140 | 114 | 22 | 4 |
2304 | Your Mom said Mizzou was okay school but I was thinking about the Harvard of the Midwest called Truman State University. | 1.2143 | 0.03905 | 154 | 126 | 23 | 5 |
2305 | A guy walks into his room, drink in hand, gets up on the bed and says to his wife…stop me if you’ve heard this one before. | 1.2143 | 0.04001 | 126 | 101 | 23 | 2 |
2306 | I just want to say, I wouldn’t be here if it were not for you. | 1.2143 | 0.04288 | 112 | 90 | 20 | 2 |
2307 | Where are you from and who do you do? | 1.2143 | 0.04001 | 126 | 101 | 23 | 2 |
2308 | Have you heard the one about the wife ignoring her husband? Hello? | 1.2143 | 0.04307 | 126 | 103 | 19 | 4 |
2309 | Eventually you'll finish that book, and I'll still be here. I’m not going anywhere. | 1.2143 | 0.04157 | 126 | 102 | 21 | 3 |
2310 | Did you sleep with my agent? | 1.2143 | 0.04307 | 126 | 103 | 19 | 4 |
2311 | Know the one about the dirty girl who really likes Joyce's Ulysses? | 1.2143 | 0.04275 | 140 | 116 | 18 | 6 |
2312 | I stand before you because I want to be HEARD and SEEN! | 1.2143 | 0.03839 | 126 | 100 | 25 | 1 |
2313 | The thing is,Jan,I've been here all week. | 1.2143 | 0.04001 | 126 | 101 | 23 | 2 |
2314 | Bad jokes and booze work much better than a boring book at bedtime. | 1.2143 | 0.03898 | 140 | 113 | 24 | 3 |
2315 | And nowwww... The end is nearrrr... And then you muuuusst agree it's bedtiiiiime.... | 1.2143 | 0.04307 | 126 | 103 | 19 | 4 |
2316 | Stood-up comic. | 1.2138 | 0.03718 | 159 | 129 | 26 | 4 |
2317 | Thank you, you’ve been a great audience. | 1.2138 | 0.03824 | 159 | 130 | 24 | 5 |
2318 | Intimate connection through humor...Hardly possible to misinterpret...And yet here we are. | 1.2138 | 0.03938 | 145 | 118 | 23 | 4 |
2319 | And.. yea…. I’m not one of those comics who does a lot of family material | 1.2138 | 0.03814 | 145 | 117 | 25 | 3 |
2320 | Quite an unresponsive crowd tonight. | 1.2137 | 0.04198 | 131 | 107 | 20 | 4 |
2321 | Don't forget to tip your server and forgive your husband, folks. | 1.2137 | 0.04198 | 131 | 107 | 20 | 4 |
2322 | The late show can bring out a tough crowd. | 1.2137 | 0.03595 | 131 | 103 | 28 | 0 |
2323 | So, technically, the restraining order hasn't kicked in yet. | 1.2137 | 0.04336 | 131 | 108 | 18 | 5 |
2324 | You get the reading light, I get the limelight. But it's just not as exciting as it used to be, Hannah. | 1.2137 | 0.04056 | 131 | 106 | 22 | 3 |
2325 | Well, I'm so lonely I'll be so lonely, I could die... | 1.2137 | 0.04336 | 131 | 108 | 18 | 5 |
2326 | Audiobook with an optional hologram | 1.2137 | 0.04056 | 131 | 106 | 22 | 3 |
2327 | Agent said, 'Badgers and Jam.' I said, 'No.' Yet, here I am. | 1.2137 | 0.04348 | 117 | 95 | 19 | 3 |
2328 | Here's to the butler. He must have done it, because I sure never do. | 1.2137 | 0.04348 | 117 | 95 | 19 | 3 |
2329 | Am I just a big joke to you Helen? | 1.2137 | 0.04348 | 117 | 95 | 19 | 3 |
2330 | I miss you. | 1.2133 | 0.03613 | 150 | 120 | 28 | 2 |
2331 | Not a creature was stirring not even a mouse”, well I'm going to need a drink before I continue this one.. | 1.2132 | 0.03676 | 136 | 108 | 27 | 1 |
2332 | And then I said « Let there be light and there was light »! | 1.2132 | 0.03962 | 136 | 110 | 23 | 3 |
2333 | Spoiler alert--I'll tell you how that book ends if you don't sing along | 1.2132 | 0.04097 | 136 | 111 | 21 | 4 |
2334 | Introducing the act you've been waiting for. | 1.2132 | 0.04097 | 136 | 111 | 21 | 4 |
2335 | In a Hail Mary attempt at sleep Linda is employing a classic library book defense. She has not had success in the past. | 1.2132 | 0.03962 | 136 | 110 | 23 | 3 |
2336 | I’m not in the mood. | 1.2132 | 0.04478 | 136 | 114 | 15 | 7 |
2337 | Wow, I can't believe we couldn't find an audio book. | 1.2132 | 0.03962 | 136 | 110 | 23 | 3 |
2338 | Are you sure you don't want me to read it to you? Audio books are all the rage. | 1.2132 | 0.03962 | 136 | 110 | 23 | 3 |
2339 | Audio books are all hear-say | 1.2131 | 0.04234 | 122 | 99 | 20 | 3 |
2340 | I’d like to thank my mom for coming all the way out here tonight. | 1.2131 | 0.04070 | 122 | 98 | 22 | 2 |
2341 | That’s right. Check your program, Lindsey. I’m here all night. | 1.2131 | 0.04234 | 122 | 99 | 20 | 3 |
2342 | Sadly, I am inspired by silent disapproval. | 1.2130 | 0.04373 | 108 | 87 | 19 | 2 |
2343 | Now finally shout out to my wife. Honey the boy dies at the end. | 1.2130 | 0.04931 | 108 | 90 | 13 | 5 |
2344 | Now I need one of you to help me finish this magic trick. | 1.2130 | 0.04753 | 108 | 89 | 15 | 4 |
2345 | Now hear this. I am tired of sleeping outside so you can keep the light on reading! | 1.2129 | 0.03423 | 155 | 123 | 31 | 1 |
2346 | I admit I don’t listen but I pledge to reform unless listening to something else. | 1.2128 | 0.03873 | 141 | 114 | 24 | 3 |
2347 | I’m sorry, but other people thought it was funny. | 1.2128 | 0.03740 | 141 | 113 | 26 | 2 |
2348 | I’m hearing some boos in the crowd. | 1.2128 | 0.04002 | 141 | 115 | 22 | 4 |
2349 | Stop me if you’ve heard the one about the wife who ignores her husband. | 1.2126 | 0.04127 | 127 | 103 | 21 | 3 |
2350 | What’s the deal with random comedians in your bedroom? | 1.2126 | 0.04420 | 127 | 105 | 17 | 5 |
2351 | The marriage counselor told me I would have to work to get your attention, but really, Jean . . . | 1.2126 | 0.03813 | 127 | 101 | 25 | 1 |
2352 | These vagabond shoes...will never stray again, I promise. | 1.2126 | 0.04127 | 127 | 103 | 21 | 3 |
2353 | Sound check. Sound check. | 1.2126 | 0.03813 | 127 | 101 | 25 | 1 |
2354 | I thought you said my bedroom performance is laughable." | 1.2124 | 0.04254 | 113 | 91 | 20 | 2 |
2355 | So set em up Joe, I've got a little story I'd like you to know | 1.2124 | 0.04064 | 113 | 90 | 22 | 1 |
2356 | So where're you from? | 1.2123 | 0.03913 | 146 | 119 | 23 | 4 |
2357 | Jane wasn't sure that a play by play announcer was the best choice for her bedroom scene | 1.2123 | 0.03664 | 146 | 117 | 27 | 2 |
2358 | Ever hear the one about the wife who wouldn’t support her husband’s dream? | 1.2123 | 0.03913 | 146 | 119 | 23 | 4 |
2359 | Take my wife,and replace her with my cocktail waitress,please! | 1.2123 | 0.03664 | 146 | 117 | 27 | 2 |
2360 | If you don't like my jokes we can always do some improv. | 1.2123 | 0.03533 | 146 | 116 | 29 | 1 |
2361 | Know any good jokes? I’m really desperate for some fresh ideas. | 1.2123 | 0.03396 | 146 | 115 | 31 | 0 |
2362 | You said you wanted some toast in bed... | 1.2123 | 0.03664 | 146 | 117 | 27 | 2 |
2363 | This next chapter goes out to the broken-hearted. | 1.2123 | 0.03913 | 146 | 119 | 23 | 4 |
2364 | You know, it's not easy being the opening act. | 1.2123 | 0.03791 | 146 | 118 | 25 | 3 |
2365 | And now, for your own personal BED Talk. | 1.2121 | 0.04169 | 132 | 108 | 20 | 4 |
2366 | You might win at a stand up talent show but I requested a quiet. lullaby | 1.2121 | 0.03882 | 132 | 106 | 24 | 2 |
2367 | You've been a great audience but it's really time for me to go. | 1.2121 | 0.04169 | 132 | 108 | 20 | 4 |
2368 | Come on, I'm here all night. | 1.2121 | 0.04028 | 132 | 107 | 22 | 3 |
2369 | Thank you, Ill be here all night. Try the veal. | 1.2121 | 0.03730 | 132 | 105 | 26 | 1 |
2370 | Oh, fuck! | 1.2121 | 0.03920 | 165 | 137 | 21 | 7 |
2371 | Up next - separation | 1.2121 | 0.04169 | 132 | 108 | 20 | 4 |
2372 | ´ I thought you knew, I am a stand up sort of guy." | 1.2121 | 0.04438 | 132 | 110 | 16 | 6 |
2373 | I died on stage tonight. | 1.2121 | 0.04306 | 132 | 109 | 18 | 5 |
2374 | Can I underperform under the sheets instead? | 1.2121 | 0.04028 | 132 | 107 | 22 | 3 |
2375 | This never happens - my last crowd loved it, I swear | 1.2119 | 0.04161 | 151 | 126 | 18 | 7 |
2376 | And lastly I'd like to thank the warm up act. | 1.2119 | 0.04054 | 151 | 125 | 20 | 6 |
2377 | Gee, I thought you’d be more impressed with my 12 inch Mic. | 1.2119 | 0.03830 | 151 | 123 | 24 | 4 |
2378 | When you build a house on the site of an old haunted comedy club. | 1.2119 | 0.04480 | 118 | 97 | 17 | 4 |
2379 | I'm rethinking this part of my routine. It's just not holding the audience's attention." Edgar Zapata, Orlando F | 1.2119 | 0.04315 | 118 | 96 | 19 | 3 |
2380 | What's the definition of bedroom stand-up self-referential humor? | 1.2119 | 0.04480 | 118 | 97 | 17 | 4 |
2381 | I hoped for a different one man show, but here we are. | 1.2119 | 0.04315 | 118 | 96 | 19 | 3 |
2382 | 🎼 I’m in the mood for love 🎶 | 1.2119 | 0.04315 | 118 | 96 | 19 | 3 |
2383 | Are you in the mood for a tight five? | 1.2117 | 0.04200 | 137 | 113 | 19 | 5 |
2384 | Ahem…I SAID ‘do we have any lonely nerds in the audience tonight?’… | 1.2117 | 0.03936 | 137 | 111 | 23 | 3 |
2385 | What did you expect when you married a professor? | 1.2117 | 0.04070 | 137 | 112 | 21 | 4 |
2386 | I feel like I'm getting heckled by the NYT best seller list! | 1.2117 | 0.04070 | 137 | 112 | 21 | 4 |
2387 | So, this guy comes home late again and says to his wife "Honey you'll never believe what happened to me today". | 1.2117 | 0.04326 | 137 | 114 | 17 | 6 |
2388 | At least your head isn't buried in your phone. | 1.2117 | 0.04070 | 137 | 112 | 21 | 4 |
2389 | Sue wasn’t impressed by Bill’s performance in the bedroom | 1.2117 | 0.04326 | 137 | 114 | 17 | 6 |
2390 | Do we have anyone celebrating anything tonight? | 1.2117 | 0.04200 | 137 | 113 | 19 | 5 |
2391 | But honey, this is me standing up for our relationship. | 1.2117 | 0.04070 | 137 | 112 | 21 | 4 |
2392 | And here we have ladies and gentlemen a now illegal scene from 1955... a book that is comforting and no violence at hand... | 1.2114 | 0.04041 | 123 | 99 | 22 | 2 |
2393 | Speaking of book lights. That Abe Lincoln used to read by firelight. He got along fine with his dad. | 1.2114 | 0.04041 | 123 | 99 | 22 | 2 |
2394 | One, two, one two three, can everybody here me? | 1.2114 | 0.04041 | 123 | 99 | 22 | 2 |
2395 | You've been a wonderful audience, now thank you, and goodnight. | 1.2114 | 0.03873 | 123 | 98 | 24 | 1 |
2396 | OK, OK I didn't hire a pilot to fly over with a sign , I didn't hire a singer to croon to you at a fancy restaurant, this is all I've got, and I hope its enough to make you look up from your book. This is just me, asking you, will you marry me? | 1.2114 | 0.04358 | 123 | 101 | 18 | 4 |
2397 | I feel like we're not on the same page. | 1.2114 | 0.03873 | 123 | 98 | 24 | 1 |
2398 | Hey sexy, I'm thinking of going blue tonight. | 1.2114 | 0.04358 | 123 | 101 | 18 | 4 |
2399 | Y’know, I read a book once. | 1.2114 | 0.04203 | 123 | 100 | 20 | 3 |
2400 | This one is for Susie, who is in bed rereading "Lady Chatterley's Lover." Pleasant dreams, Susie. | 1.2113 | 0.03977 | 142 | 116 | 22 | 4 |
2401 | You're my last fan...PLEEESSSE stay Awake! | 1.2113 | 0.04100 | 142 | 117 | 20 | 5 |
2402 | You told me that "stand-up comedy" helped your sexual libido | 1.2113 | 0.03977 | 142 | 116 | 22 | 4 |
2403 | Whatever helps your stand up routine Jerry | 1.2113 | 0.04100 | 142 | 117 | 20 | 5 |
2404 | I have got to quit it with these one-night stand-ups. | 1.2113 | 0.03849 | 142 | 115 | 24 | 3 |
2405 | What are the seven words you never say in bed” | 1.2109 | 0.04246 | 128 | 105 | 19 | 4 |
2406 | And remember folks, there's a two-drink minimum at this club. | 1.2109 | 0.03786 | 128 | 102 | 25 | 1 |
2407 | ...And now for the song that always worked when you read Danielle Steel instead of Virginia Woolf | 1.2109 | 0.03945 | 128 | 103 | 23 | 2 |
2408 | Have you heard the one about the couple that's so different, they shouldn't have gotten married?" | 1.2109 | 0.04098 | 128 | 104 | 21 | 3 |
2409 | In conclusion, not all women value a good sense of humor. | 1.2109 | 0.03786 | 128 | 102 | 25 | 1 |
2410 | ...and don't forget to tip your waitress | 1.2109 | 0.04388 | 128 | 106 | 17 | 5 |
2411 | Well, you’re still awake… that’s better than most nights on this gig. | 1.2109 | 0.04246 | 128 | 105 | 19 | 4 |
2412 | Sweety, I’m trying to read a book here. | 1.2109 | 0.04098 | 128 | 104 | 21 | 3 |
2413 | At least you’re not on your phone… | 1.2109 | 0.03945 | 128 | 103 | 23 | 2 |
2414 | Bill took his steps to overcoming performance anxiety to the extreme. | 1.2109 | 0.03945 | 128 | 103 | 23 | 2 |
2415 | Testing. Testing. No connection. | 1.2109 | 0.03889 | 147 | 120 | 23 | 4 |
2416 | thanks a lot,I'm here all night | 1.2109 | 0.03767 | 147 | 119 | 25 | 3 |
2417 | As a highly successful stand-up comedian, I refuse to take your ignoring me lying down. | 1.2109 | 0.03767 | 147 | 119 | 25 | 3 |
2418 | Strangers in the night...doobie doobie doo... | 1.2105 | 0.04141 | 133 | 109 | 20 | 4 |
2419 | I tell ya, I get no respect. No respect at all. | 1.2105 | 0.04001 | 133 | 108 | 22 | 3 |
2420 | 7% interest is sounding pretty good right about now. | 1.2105 | 0.04740 | 114 | 95 | 14 | 5 |
2421 | And you won't read that book again Because the ending's just too hard to take (Gordon Lightfoot) | 1.2105 | 0.03807 | 152 | 124 | 24 | 4 |
2422 | Thank you for not heckling. | 1.2105 | 0.03856 | 133 | 107 | 24 | 2 |
2423 | Is that better than Twitter? | 1.2105 | 0.03441 | 171 | 138 | 30 | 3 |
2424 | I would say try the veal, but the fridge is empty and I’ve bought the groceries the past three weeks… | 1.2105 | 0.04032 | 114 | 91 | 22 | 1 |
2425 | So this guy walks in on his wife ... | 1.2105 | 0.04574 | 114 | 94 | 16 | 4 |
2426 | The only thing that are turned on in here are the lamps.” | 1.2105 | 0.03705 | 133 | 106 | 26 | 1 |
2427 | You've never really warmed up to my club's Remote Work Policy have you | 1.2105 | 0.04001 | 133 | 108 | 22 | 3 |
2428 | Remember what you said a few years ago? Let’s talk about it. | 1.2105 | 0.03807 | 152 | 124 | 24 | 4 |
2429 | Welcome everyone to the Toastmasters Ultimate Challenge. | 1.2102 | 0.03729 | 157 | 128 | 25 | 4 |
2430 | If you don't pay attention to me, I'll start singing a Frank Sinatra song. | 1.2101 | 0.03910 | 138 | 112 | 23 | 3 |
2431 | What’s the deal with the my mother-in-law? | 1.2101 | 0.04043 | 138 | 113 | 21 | 4 |
2432 | ....and I did it MY WAY! Thank you, thank you. | 1.2101 | 0.03772 | 138 | 111 | 25 | 2 |
2433 | I’ve BEEN here all week. | 1.2101 | 0.04043 | 138 | 113 | 21 | 4 |
2434 | What do you mean our love life is too routine? | 1.2101 | 0.03772 | 138 | 111 | 25 | 2 |
2435 | No matter what I do, I can't seem to communicate | 1.2101 | 0.04043 | 138 | 113 | 21 | 4 |
2436 | Maybe now I can complete a sentence…. | 1.2101 | 0.03772 | 138 | 111 | 25 | 2 |
2437 | And for my last song this evening: "Hot Stuff." | 1.2101 | 0.03630 | 138 | 110 | 27 | 1 |
2438 | This next one will get you in the mood tonight. | 1.2101 | 0.03910 | 138 | 112 | 23 | 3 |
2439 | Eat-Pray-No Laugh | 1.2101 | 0.03772 | 138 | 111 | 25 | 2 |
2440 | Why the long face? | 1.2101 | 0.04043 | 138 | 113 | 21 | 4 |
2441 | Just so you know, this is my last stand on saving our marriage | 1.2101 | 0.04282 | 119 | 97 | 19 | 3 |
2442 | Ladies and gentlemen this is my very last attempt to get her attention. | 1.2101 | 0.04445 | 119 | 98 | 17 | 4 |
2443 | And in this corner, the reigning word champion, Joyce Carol Oates. | 1.2101 | 0.04282 | 119 | 97 | 19 | 3 |
2444 | Next up. . Mr Wiggles | 1.2101 | 0.04112 | 119 | 96 | 21 | 2 |
2445 | And before I go I just want to give a shout out to Linda. | 1.2101 | 0.04445 | 119 | 98 | 17 | 4 |
2446 | What's with the Khaled Hosseini? I thought we were going with Kate Christensen. | 1.2101 | 0.03935 | 119 | 95 | 23 | 1 |
2447 | Wow! The silent heckle. It's going to be a long night folks. | 1.2100 | 0.04777 | 100 | 82 | 15 | 3 |
2448 | Tough crowd... tough crowd. | 1.2098 | 0.03825 | 143 | 116 | 24 | 3 |
2449 | I like a good thriller. I’ve just finished the dictionary. The zebra did it. | 1.2098 | 0.03951 | 143 | 117 | 22 | 4 |
2450 | It's an inside joke. | 1.2097 | 0.04326 | 124 | 102 | 18 | 4 |
2451 | What’s the deal with pillows? | 1.2095 | 0.04628 | 105 | 86 | 16 | 3 |
2452 | Alright, crowd work isn't my isn't my strong suit | 1.2093 | 0.03760 | 129 | 103 | 25 | 1 |
2453 | The booker said this joint was intimate. I didn't know I'd be competing with Moby Dick. | 1.2093 | 0.04357 | 129 | 107 | 17 | 5 |
2454 | Yes, for all you Reality-TV couch potatoes out there, we are here today to witness a very strange phenomenon ... . | 1.2093 | 0.03918 | 129 | 104 | 23 | 2 |
2455 | I guess the erectile dysfunction jokes are a no-no, then." | 1.2093 | 0.04357 | 129 | 107 | 17 | 5 |
2456 | Just let me finish my pre-bedtime routine and you can turn out the light | 1.2093 | 0.03918 | 129 | 104 | 23 | 2 |
2457 | Do not skip to the end! | 1.2092 | 0.03896 | 153 | 126 | 22 | 5 |
2458 | They say workshop new material in the most difficult room. | 1.2091 | 0.04302 | 110 | 89 | 19 | 2 |
2459 | Did ya hear the one about the standup comic who is boring in bed? | 1.2090 | 0.04113 | 134 | 110 | 20 | 4 |
2460 | Are you telling me that Mel Brooks' book is funnier than my act. | 1.2090 | 0.04113 | 134 | 110 | 20 | 4 |
2461 | Soporific, S-O-P-O-R-I-F-I-C, soporific | 1.2090 | 0.04377 | 134 | 112 | 16 | 6 |
2462 | Bingo will start shortly. Everyone have their cards ready? | 1.2090 | 0.03974 | 134 | 109 | 22 | 3 |
2463 | Honey, I appreciate the tough crowd training here, but no crowd can be that tough. | 1.2090 | 0.03974 | 134 | 109 | 22 | 3 |
2464 | ‘and then someone came up to me in the lunchroom and asked- what’s in your sandwich. I said, you’ll have to ask my wife… get it hun?’ | 1.2090 | 0.04113 | 134 | 110 | 20 | 4 |
2465 | Listen, lady...if you were really serious about heckling me, you would have brought the audio book version with you. | 1.2087 | 0.04703 | 115 | 96 | 14 | 5 |
2466 | So I said “a guy walks into a bar with a minister, a Buddhist monk and a used car salesman” …………Alright, we’ll throw in an organ grinder and his monkey……Okay, how about a kangaroo with boxing gloves? | 1.2087 | 0.04366 | 115 | 94 | 18 | 3 |
2467 | When you said you wanted to try new things in the bedroom, this wasn’t exactly what I had in mind. | 1.2087 | 0.04188 | 115 | 93 | 20 | 2 |
2468 | Is this working? | 1.2086 | 0.03885 | 139 | 113 | 23 | 3 |
2469 | My mom ignored me too. | 1.2086 | 0.03606 | 139 | 111 | 27 | 1 |
2470 | Would you please consider opening for tonight’s performance? | 1.2086 | 0.03606 | 139 | 111 | 27 | 1 |
2471 | Honey... do I have a drinking problem? | 1.2086 | 0.04145 | 139 | 115 | 19 | 5 |
2472 | Alas, the audience has decided that the book is better than the stage play. | 1.2086 | 0.03885 | 139 | 113 | 23 | 3 |
2473 | I drink to your charm, to your beauty and your brains - which gives you a rough idea of how hard up I am for a drink.” Quote Groucho Mar | 1.2086 | 0.04017 | 139 | 114 | 21 | 4 |
2474 | ARE YOU READING THAT BOOK ABOUT HANDS? IT'S A REAL PAGE TURNER. | 1.2083 | 0.04048 | 144 | 119 | 20 | 5 |
2475 | Please bookmark it there, Ms. Pomeroy. I need to take five for another Earl Grey with honey. | 1.2083 | 0.03927 | 144 | 118 | 22 | 4 |
2476 | What keeps you up at night? | 1.2083 | 0.04167 | 144 | 120 | 18 | 6 |
2477 | How 'bout this one?...... | 1.2083 | 0.03536 | 144 | 115 | 28 | 1 |
2478 | Thank you, you’ve been a wonderful audience | 1.2083 | 0.04048 | 144 | 119 | 20 | 5 |
2479 | This isn't exactly what I had in mind when I ordered an audiobook | 1.2083 | 0.04250 | 120 | 98 | 19 | 3 |
2480 | Did you hear the one about the guy who was in a soulless marriage for 27 years? | 1.2083 | 0.04082 | 120 | 97 | 21 | 2 |
2481 | ? The record shows I took the blows-- And did it ... my way. ? | 1.2083 | 0.03671 | 144 | 116 | 26 | 2 |
2482 | Welcome to second semester Algebra 2. | 1.2083 | 0.03666 | 168 | 138 | 25 | 5 |
2483 | Hey, no reading in bed during the act. | 1.2083 | 0.04250 | 120 | 98 | 19 | 3 |
2484 | And so I said to my wife, I wish you’d talk to me more in bed.. little did I know she’d whip out a book. | 1.2083 | 0.03801 | 144 | 117 | 24 | 3 |
2485 | Honestly it wasn’t that much pricier than Audible | 1.2083 | 0.04568 | 120 | 100 | 15 | 5 |
2486 | ...so you decided against the audio book? | 1.2083 | 0.04250 | 120 | 98 | 19 | 3 |
2487 | Okay, don't take my wife, please? | 1.2081 | 0.03598 | 149 | 120 | 27 | 2 |
2488 | This isn't what I thought when you said late-night standup. | 1.2081 | 0.03470 | 149 | 119 | 29 | 1 |
2489 | So, a single 30-year-old woman walked into a bar... | 1.2080 | 0.04142 | 125 | 102 | 20 | 3 |
2490 | I'll be here all week, and don't forget to tip your authors and bookbinders. | 1.2080 | 0.04142 | 125 | 102 | 20 | 3 |
2491 | Let's dance Put on your red shoes and dance the blues Let's dance | 1.2080 | 0.04142 | 125 | 102 | 20 | 3 |
2492 | What’s the deal with the medium being the message!? | 1.2080 | 0.03983 | 125 | 101 | 22 | 2 |
2493 | This is not what I thought when the site said audiobook. | 1.2077 | 0.04186 | 130 | 107 | 19 | 4 |
2494 | Is this mic on? This is supposed to be a funny caption! Please,take my wife! | 1.2077 | 0.03891 | 130 | 105 | 23 | 2 |
2495 | So my wife | 1.2077 | 0.04327 | 130 | 108 | 17 | 5 |
2496 | If I move a tiny bit to the right, will that work? | 1.2077 | 0.04186 | 130 | 107 | 19 | 4 |
2497 | You don't get out much, do you? | 1.2075 | 0.04388 | 106 | 86 | 18 | 2 |
2498 | ...take my wife, she says she just can't read me! | 1.2074 | 0.04085 | 135 | 111 | 20 | 4 |
2499 | Maybe stand-up is just not my jam. | 1.2074 | 0.03805 | 135 | 109 | 24 | 2 |
2500 | It's Open Mic night here at the Williams residence and I'm on my third whiskey sour. | 1.2074 | 0.03948 | 135 | 110 | 22 | 3 |
2501 | I’m happy to announce that there will be no cover charge for tonight’s bedtime stories. | 1.2074 | 0.04085 | 135 | 111 | 20 | 4 |
2502 | Well, at least the suit's a little funny. | 1.2074 | 0.04085 | 135 | 111 | 20 | 4 |
2503 | For a long time I went to bed early | 1.2074 | 0.03948 | 135 | 110 | 22 | 3 |
2504 | And there you have it. She defied a generation. Reading every page. Back to you Bob. | 1.2074 | 0.03503 | 135 | 107 | 28 | 0 |
2505 | You, yeah, you with the glasses. What's the matter, my jokes aren't good enough for you, you have to bring a book? | 1.2074 | 0.03805 | 135 | 109 | 24 | 2 |
2506 | I wouldn't be here today if it weren't for my beautiful wife Cat | 1.2074 | 0.04085 | 135 | 111 | 20 | 4 |
2507 | Watch closely as the book is replaced by endless scrolling. In 3…2….1… | 1.2074 | 0.03657 | 135 | 108 | 26 | 1 |
2508 | Honey, I promise that my monologue will be better than last night! | 1.2072 | 0.04809 | 111 | 93 | 13 | 5 |
2509 | HELLO ! SPOILER ALERT | 1.2071 | 0.03724 | 140 | 113 | 25 | 2 |
2510 | I'm telling you, an Audible subscription would be far less cumbersome. | 1.2071 | 0.03991 | 140 | 115 | 21 | 4 |
2511 | Just got back from playing a one-night bed in Jersey. Felt like a week! | 1.2071 | 0.04118 | 140 | 116 | 19 | 5 |
2512 | You should be getting drowsy. My standup act always puts them to sleep. | 1.2071 | 0.03860 | 140 | 114 | 23 | 3 |
2513 | ... this writing just captures my imagination ... | 1.2069 | 0.04332 | 116 | 95 | 18 | 3 |
2514 | That's my side of the bed. | 1.2069 | 0.03777 | 145 | 118 | 24 | 3 |
2515 | Tell me Again What are the words to Good Night Irene | 1.2069 | 0.03777 | 145 | 118 | 24 | 3 |
2516 | And now for a rewind of this past week's worst cock ups | 1.2069 | 0.04023 | 145 | 120 | 20 | 5 |
2517 | Honey, please give Open Mic Tuesdays a chance. | 1.2067 | 0.03934 | 150 | 124 | 21 | 5 |
2518 | And now, here's todays wrap-up! | 1.2066 | 0.04052 | 121 | 98 | 21 | 2 |
2519 | Thanks for coming here tonight, I hope this is not just a standup job | 1.2066 | 0.04378 | 121 | 100 | 17 | 4 |
2520 | Now, if you could take a break from David Baldacci for a moment, I’d like to practice a few of my stand up routines. | 1.2066 | 0.03878 | 121 | 97 | 23 | 1 |
2521 | Now that I have your attention! | 1.2065 | 0.03509 | 155 | 125 | 28 | 2 |
2522 | Hey, boomer… | 1.2065 | 0.03388 | 155 | 124 | 30 | 1 |
2523 | Would you believe my wife thinks we're sleeping together. | 1.2063 | 0.03955 | 126 | 102 | 22 | 2 |
2524 | My audience doesn't understand me. | 1.2063 | 0.03955 | 126 | 102 | 22 | 2 |
2525 | 'Yeah, my ex said that about my bedroom performance too' | 1.2063 | 0.04112 | 126 | 103 | 20 | 3 |
2526 | I just flew in from Chicago and, boy, do I want sex. | 1.2063 | 0.04410 | 126 | 105 | 16 | 5 |
2527 | So my wife tells me I shouldn't work from home. ... | 1.2061 | 0.04014 | 131 | 107 | 21 | 3 |
2528 | My wife’s here tonight, but she’d rather be in bed reading. | 1.2061 | 0.03710 | 131 | 105 | 25 | 1 |
2529 | Mic check. Hey, I need a little more feedback up here. | 1.2061 | 0.04014 | 131 | 107 | 21 | 3 |
2530 | First and foremost, I’d like to thank my wife for her unwavering interest and support. | 1.2061 | 0.03865 | 131 | 106 | 23 | 2 |
2531 | As Henny Youngman once said, "Take my wife ..." | 1.2061 | 0.04157 | 131 | 108 | 19 | 4 |
2532 | The author really brings the characters to life | 1.2061 | 0.04562 | 131 | 111 | 13 | 7 |
2533 | As your narrator, I must warn you that the ending is gruesome | 1.2061 | 0.04431 | 131 | 110 | 15 | 6 |
2534 | SRO crowd tonight so we're going to live stream my ode to my wife. | 1.2061 | 0.03865 | 131 | 106 | 23 | 2 |
2535 | So I recently tried to spice things up in the bedroom. I bought my wife an ethnic cookbook! | 1.2061 | 0.03865 | 131 | 106 | 23 | 2 |
2536 | Now’s the part of my act where I remind you of every stupid thing you’ve ever done. | 1.2061 | 0.04014 | 131 | 107 | 21 | 3 |
2537 | MAH WIIIIIFE | 1.2061 | 0.04157 | 131 | 108 | 19 | 4 |
2538 | Sure you'ld rather be at home reading than go out to a show, but with our new VR glasses you can do both! | 1.2061 | 0.03492 | 165 | 134 | 28 | 3 |
2539 | Testing-testing, B 8, quarters register 2, talk to a live person dial 1, N 32, clean up aisle 6, Eddie Earl loading dock, B 4, all of our agents are serving others-please hold-calls are answered in order received, O 61, have a blessed day..." | 1.2061 | 0.04078 | 165 | 140 | 16 | 9 |
2540 | I’m here to make those long paragraphs of boring stuff between dialogue, action and advancing the plot more agreeable. Vocal variety is my specialty. | 1.2059 | 0.03480 | 136 | 108 | 28 | 0 |
2541 | …and don’t get me started on litter boxes. How about you there in the front row, you ever changed one of those? | 1.2059 | 0.03780 | 136 | 110 | 24 | 2 |
2542 | So I said, 'Thanks, but I get the whole privilege thing. I don't need any more of that DE&I stuff'.' | 1.2059 | 0.04190 | 136 | 113 | 18 | 5 |
2543 | To be honest, you’ve been a pretty lousy audience. | 1.2059 | 0.03780 | 136 | 110 | 24 | 2 |
2544 | Thank you for allowing me to attend your book club meeting to discuss my latest novel. I'm encouraged and humbled to see how engrossed you appear to be in it. I will be open to questions once you finish it. Thank you again. | 1.2059 | 0.04190 | 136 | 113 | 18 | 5 |
2545 | When she meets the young prince, I'll do my best frog voice. | 1.2059 | 0.03480 | 136 | 108 | 28 | 0 |
2546 | Atleast we both have glass half full | 1.2059 | 0.03922 | 136 | 111 | 22 | 3 |
2547 | Our marriage counseling hasn’t made me any funnier, dear | 1.2059 | 0.04318 | 136 | 114 | 16 | 6 |
2548 | And as a special feature I'm here to introduce you to my 3rd grade teacher who will discuss having fun in bed . | 1.2057 | 0.03561 | 141 | 113 | 27 | 1 |
2549 | I thought said you wanted to experiment. | 1.2057 | 0.04091 | 141 | 117 | 19 | 5 |
2550 | I'll be reporting any minute now whether or not it's a page-turner." Judy Ungar, 20 W. Palisade Avenue, Apt. 3208, Englewood, NJ 07631 jsbu@hotmail.com (201) 408-297 | 1.2057 | 0.04091 | 141 | 117 | 19 | 5 |
2551 | Imagination is a funny thingy. | 1.2055 | 0.03878 | 146 | 120 | 22 | 4 |
2552 | Is this not what you meant by role playing? | 1.2054 | 0.04419 | 112 | 92 | 17 | 3 |
2553 | It’s our personal touch for audio books. “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times…” | 1.2053 | 0.03796 | 151 | 124 | 23 | 4 |
2554 | See Karen, I can stand up in other ways. | 1.2051 | 0.04124 | 117 | 95 | 20 | 2 |
2555 | I notice you're reading 'Be Here Now' ..." | 1.2049 | 0.04022 | 122 | 99 | 21 | 2 |
2556 | Attention all passengers on C Deck. Tonight’s menu has changed from Mac ‘n cheese to Peking Duck in the dining room of Apartment 9A.” | 1.2049 | 0.04022 | 122 | 99 | 21 | 2 |
2557 | I listened to Taylor’s last album and finally figured our relationship out: “It’s me, hi. I’m the problem, it’s me.” | 1.2049 | 0.03669 | 122 | 97 | 25 | 0 |
2558 | So now we've reached the chapter titled 'Foreplay,' which I trust you will enjoy. | 1.2049 | 0.04187 | 122 | 100 | 19 | 3 |
2559 | Alright… that’s my cue. You’ve been a great audience. | 1.2048 | 0.03677 | 166 | 137 | 24 | 5 |
2560 | Chapter 1, my life on the rocks. | 1.2047 | 0.04083 | 127 | 104 | 20 | 3 |
2561 | Our next act comes all the way from the third bedroom down the hall give it up for Timmy ladies and gentlemen | 1.2047 | 0.04083 | 127 | 104 | 20 | 3 |
2562 | Look, Dear, no more performance anxiety. | 1.2047 | 0.03927 | 127 | 103 | 22 | 2 |
2563 | I’m out of songs, therefore, ‘Let’s get ready to rummmble!” | 1.2047 | 0.03764 | 127 | 102 | 24 | 1 |
2564 | Oh, I’m sorry, princess. Am I keeping you up? | 1.2047 | 0.04378 | 127 | 106 | 16 | 5 |
2565 | When I asked for the audiobook this isn’t exactly what I had in mind. | 1.2047 | 0.03927 | 127 | 103 | 22 | 2 |
2566 | Oh, come on, you know I have performance anxiety! | 1.2045 | 0.03838 | 132 | 107 | 23 | 2 |
2567 | Take my wife. Seriously. I would if this stupid routine still worked. | 1.2045 | 0.03986 | 132 | 108 | 21 | 3 |
2568 | Well, you did choose the upgraded version of Books on Tape. | 1.2045 | 0.04129 | 132 | 109 | 19 | 4 |
2569 | I attached my laptop mike to the stereo so you can hear me slam poetry tonight. | 1.2045 | 0.03986 | 132 | 108 | 21 | 3 |
2570 | I know it's 3am and has been a long first date, but there's one more I'd like to sing for you before I leave. ' Strangers in the Night ' by Frank Sinatra. | 1.2045 | 0.03986 | 132 | 108 | 21 | 3 |
2571 | Anyone out there into pickleball? So here's what I don't get: it's got a ball, sure, but where's the pickle? Is that paddle thing the pickle? So why don't they just call it paddle ball? | 1.2045 | 0.04129 | 132 | 109 | 19 | 4 |
2572 | I'd like to thank you all for coming here in this weather. | 1.2045 | 0.04267 | 132 | 110 | 17 | 5 |
2573 | Could you act surprised that I'm bombing in bed? | 1.2045 | 0.03838 | 132 | 107 | 23 | 2 |
2574 | Seesh, talk about your tough crowd! | 1.2045 | 0.03838 | 132 | 107 | 23 | 2 |
2575 | I don't want to spoil it too much, but he doesn't actually die on the cross. | 1.2044 | 0.04031 | 137 | 113 | 20 | 4 |
2576 | Thank you for this opportunity to stand up for myself. I'm really going to try not to blow it. | 1.2044 | 0.04031 | 137 | 113 | 20 | 4 |
2577 | have you heard the one about the guy who just wanted to join his wife's book club | 1.2044 | 0.03755 | 137 | 111 | 24 | 2 |
2578 | My therapist said, if I wanted to meet a woman, I should put myself out there. | 1.2042 | 0.03539 | 142 | 114 | 27 | 1 |
2579 | ….I just think we’re into different things… | 1.2042 | 0.03811 | 142 | 116 | 23 | 3 |
2580 | You said you wanted our life to be like our wedding reception. | 1.2042 | 0.03940 | 142 | 117 | 21 | 4 |
2581 | But the gig says “stand up” comedienne contest. Time to live outside the bed, luv! | 1.2042 | 0.04065 | 142 | 118 | 19 | 5 |
2582 | I am here to warm up for the sand man. | 1.2042 | 0.03539 | 142 | 114 | 27 | 1 |
2583 | Dear diary, my wife has decided she wants more excitement in our marriage. | 1.2042 | 0.03539 | 142 | 114 | 27 | 1 |
2584 | I can't narrate the book because the reader couldn't put it down. | 1.2041 | 0.03854 | 147 | 121 | 22 | 4 |
2585 | of course, now when I want you to laugh... | 1.2041 | 0.03604 | 147 | 119 | 26 | 2 |
2586 | They called him Human Ambien. | 1.2041 | 0.03604 | 147 | 119 | 26 | 2 |
2587 | reading aloud. | 1.2041 | 0.03973 | 147 | 122 | 20 | 5 |
2588 | I thought I was booked for the evening. | 1.2039 | 0.03535 | 152 | 123 | 27 | 2 |
2589 | Before we get down to business tonight, I'd like to raise a toast to the humble, frayed bookmark. | 1.2039 | 0.03887 | 152 | 126 | 21 | 5 |
2590 | With ratings collapsing, a late-night talk show host seeks a new way to relate to audience members. | 1.2039 | 0.03773 | 152 | 125 | 23 | 4 |
2591 | Not a good night for crowd work. | 1.2037 | 0.04110 | 108 | 87 | 20 | 1 |
2592 | I have an announcement. It's performance time. | 1.2035 | 0.04007 | 113 | 91 | 21 | 1 |
2593 | You have been a great audience. | 1.2035 | 0.04383 | 113 | 93 | 17 | 3 |
2594 | As I was saying, your car’s extended warranty can save you thousands. | 1.2034 | 0.04265 | 118 | 97 | 18 | 3 |
2595 | Man on board. | 1.2033 | 0.04156 | 123 | 101 | 19 | 3 |
2596 | Joan's husband hires a local comedian to try and get her out of Goblin Mode. | 1.2033 | 0.04156 | 123 | 101 | 19 | 3 |
2597 | This seems like a safe distance from Will Smith | 1.2033 | 0.03822 | 123 | 99 | 23 | 1 |
2598 | I told you I was an upstanding comedian. | 1.2033 | 0.03822 | 123 | 99 | 23 | 1 |
2599 | The jokes are funnier if I tell them. | 1.2033 | 0.03643 | 123 | 98 | 25 | 0 |
2600 | Good evening, lady and germs. | 1.2031 | 0.03738 | 128 | 103 | 24 | 1 |
2601 | I'm here to collect your post Election Day, unsigned, bed-in ballot | 1.2031 | 0.04054 | 128 | 105 | 20 | 3 |
2602 | Would you prefer it if I used props? | 1.2031 | 0.04054 | 128 | 105 | 20 | 3 |
2603 | You’ve been a great audience. I’ll be here nightly for the next 25 years. | 1.2031 | 0.04347 | 128 | 107 | 16 | 5 |
2604 | Sleep is what we recommend. | 1.2031 | 0.03899 | 128 | 104 | 22 | 2 |
2605 | Quips passing in the night. | 1.2031 | 0.04203 | 128 | 106 | 18 | 4 |
2606 | Dear, I know I must prepare for tough audiences but is this really the best way to practice my stand-up routine? | 1.2030 | 0.03660 | 133 | 107 | 25 | 1 |
2607 | Don't worry. There's an intermission break soon. | 1.2030 | 0.03959 | 133 | 109 | 21 | 3 |
2608 | And before I wrap up my wedding toast, I’d just like to say… | 1.2030 | 0.03660 | 133 | 107 | 25 | 1 |
2609 | I wrote this book in my sleep. | 1.2030 | 0.04100 | 133 | 110 | 19 | 4 |
2610 | Do we have any bookworms in the audience tonight? | 1.2030 | 0.03813 | 133 | 108 | 23 | 2 |
2611 | So me and my cpap mask were in another knock-down-drag-out last night... | 1.2030 | 0.04237 | 133 | 111 | 17 | 5 |
2612 | Cranky spouse, lonely house, am I right? | 1.2030 | 0.03813 | 133 | 108 | 23 | 2 |
2613 | My wife never complains about my performance in bed. She says I’m a hack, but she never complains about it | 1.2030 | 0.03959 | 133 | 109 | 21 | 3 |
2614 | It's me, hi, I'm the problem, it's me | 1.2030 | 0.04100 | 133 | 110 | 19 | 4 |
2615 | What author is more engaging than my nightly monologue? | 1.2029 | 0.03870 | 138 | 113 | 22 | 3 |
2616 | ...so Rodney says "My wife says she never listens to me 'cause she already knows me like a book." | 1.2029 | 0.03731 | 138 | 112 | 24 | 2 |
2617 | Please check the index for ‘risks of electrocution on a waterbed’. | 1.2029 | 0.03870 | 138 | 113 | 22 | 3 |
2618 | Take my book, please! | 1.2028 | 0.03915 | 143 | 118 | 21 | 4 |
2619 | Insomnia? I see you're reading "The Fear of Flying Sheep" | 1.2028 | 0.03517 | 143 | 115 | 27 | 1 |
2620 | I'm the real thing. Can you hear me now? | 1.2028 | 0.03517 | 143 | 115 | 27 | 1 |
2621 | If, I make her laugh; I am quitting my mundane job, and pursuing my stand-up comedian career full-time! | 1.2027 | 0.03830 | 148 | 122 | 22 | 4 |
2622 | Tonight,I would like to talk about “us”. | 1.2027 | 0.03452 | 148 | 119 | 28 | 1 |
2623 | Are these the lengths I have to go to, to get your attention once the kids are down? | 1.2027 | 0.03582 | 148 | 120 | 26 | 2 |
2624 | . . . and how about those commas? You know . . . before covid, we used to monologue about airlines. | 1.2026 | 0.03514 | 153 | 124 | 27 | 2 |
2625 | You laughed every time my brother told these jokes. | 1.2025 | 0.03450 | 158 | 128 | 28 | 2 |
2626 | ....and my absolutely final point.... | 1.2025 | 0.03498 | 163 | 133 | 27 | 3 |
2627 | As a stand-up comic, I'm appealing to your sense of humor tonight. | 1.2025 | 0.03157 | 163 | 130 | 33 | 0 |
2628 | Reality Television here: A woman actually reading a book in bed! | 1.2025 | 0.03388 | 163 | 132 | 29 | 2 |
2629 | Why read a book when I can just mansplain it to you? | 1.2018 | 0.04660 | 109 | 91 | 14 | 4 |
2630 | To get this performance going, I could add a laugh track. | 1.2017 | 0.04398 | 119 | 99 | 16 | 4 |
2631 | Just one more chapter,” she told herself. Narrator: It would not be just one more chapter | 1.2017 | 0.04061 | 119 | 97 | 20 | 2 |
2632 | Now a line sure to get some good laughs, “Honey, about a little nooky tonight?” | 1.2016 | 0.03794 | 124 | 100 | 23 | 1 |
2633 | I feel like I am speaking to a wall | 1.2016 | 0.04126 | 124 | 102 | 19 | 3 |
2634 | Love me Tender ? | 1.2016 | 0.03963 | 124 | 101 | 21 | 2 |
2635 | No, but seriously, my wife is great. | 1.2016 | 0.04126 | 124 | 102 | 19 | 3 |
2636 | This is a new one I just wrote. It's called 'Never Say I Don't Listen Again." | 1.2016 | 0.04173 | 129 | 107 | 18 | 4 |
2637 | And for what you will see as my next joke, I'll start by removing my clothes. | 1.2016 | 0.03713 | 129 | 104 | 24 | 1 |
2638 | I don’t get no respect, no respect at all.” | 1.2016 | 0.04173 | 129 | 107 | 18 | 4 |
2639 | This is your idea of friends with benefits? | 1.2016 | 0.04454 | 129 | 109 | 14 | 6 |
2640 | I know you're out there, I can see you reading. | 1.2016 | 0.03713 | 129 | 104 | 24 | 1 |
2641 | I tell ya...homes! Anyone here from their own home? | 1.2016 | 0.03713 | 129 | 104 | 24 | 1 |
2642 | Damn, you’re a tough room. | 1.2015 | 0.03636 | 134 | 108 | 25 | 1 |
2643 | My next number is called "snoring in the key of B minor" | 1.2015 | 0.03787 | 134 | 109 | 23 | 2 |
2644 | For my next number I'd like to perform "Baby Got Book." | 1.2015 | 0.04073 | 134 | 111 | 19 | 4 |
2645 | It's winter now, but if I can get through the mattress, I'll see you in the spring. | 1.2015 | 0.03787 | 134 | 109 | 23 | 2 |
2646 | Love on the rocks. Ain’t no big surprise. | 1.2014 | 0.03707 | 139 | 113 | 24 | 2 |
2647 | So what’s the deal with abstinence | 1.2014 | 0.04107 | 139 | 116 | 18 | 5 |
2648 | Lot number 106: antique but gently used MWM, unrestored but with no missing pieces. . . | 1.2014 | 0.03845 | 139 | 114 | 22 | 3 |
2649 | You ever wonder who thought it would be a good idea to give holograms feelings? | 1.2014 | 0.03845 | 139 | 114 | 22 | 3 |
2650 | You’ve been a great audience. I wonder if you left the oven on though. | 1.2014 | 0.03707 | 139 | 113 | 24 | 2 |
2651 | So a priest, a minister and a rabbi walk into a library, and the librarian says, "We have an open stacks policy here, and you'll have to share a carrell. First come, first serve. " They are still debating that one. | 1.2014 | 0.03763 | 144 | 118 | 23 | 3 |
2652 | And tonight, we are going to have a little music to read by. | 1.2014 | 0.03632 | 144 | 117 | 25 | 2 |
2653 | I've bombed before, but.....Please! | 1.2014 | 0.03632 | 144 | 117 | 25 | 2 |
2654 | ...and now I'd like to introduce the woman of the hour, my wife, or as I like to call her, Little Miss Bookworm. | 1.2014 | 0.03632 | 144 | 117 | 25 | 2 |
2655 | This is Audible…Audible hopes you've enjoyed this program. | 1.2014 | 0.03632 | 144 | 117 | 25 | 2 |
2656 | She's going for a record, rereading the same sentence 23 times pretending I'm not here. | 1.2013 | 0.03686 | 149 | 122 | 24 | 3 |
2657 | So...a priest, a rabbi, and a BOOK EDITOR walk into a bar... | 1.2013 | 0.03431 | 149 | 120 | 28 | 1 |
2658 | You’re supposed to be Jackie O with Frank, not Jack | 1.2013 | 0.03729 | 154 | 127 | 23 | 4 |
2659 | You used to like it when I crooned. | 1.2013 | 0.03494 | 154 | 125 | 27 | 2 |
2660 | Hello, interesting beauty. I am the protagonist you are reading about in your novel. May I join you in those sheets, or must I stay on those pages?" | 1.2013 | 0.03613 | 154 | 126 | 25 | 3 |
2661 | Honey, look at this mic I found on the way back from the bar. | 1.2013 | 0.03544 | 159 | 130 | 26 | 3 |
2662 | Me explaining her why we should have sex instead of her reading a book. | 1.2012 | 0.03519 | 169 | 139 | 26 | 4 |
2663 | Instead of a bed time story, I’d like to do a medley of my “hit”. | 1.2000 | 0.04201 | 120 | 99 | 18 | 3 |
2664 | Would it spice things up for you if you imagine that I am Frank Sinatra ? | 1.2000 | 0.04096 | 125 | 103 | 19 | 3 |
2665 | I am just trying to reach you, my audience of one. | 1.2000 | 0.03767 | 125 | 101 | 23 | 1 |
2666 | Honey, are you listening? | 1.2000 | 0.04201 | 120 | 99 | 18 | 3 |
2667 | I’m here all decade. Try the chicken. | 1.2000 | 0.03820 | 140 | 115 | 22 | 3 |
2668 | I would say I will be performing here nightly, but obviously I am NOT performing, am I? | 1.2000 | 0.03988 | 145 | 121 | 19 | 5 |
2669 | I thought some spontaneous karaoke would turn you on. | 1.2000 | 0.04134 | 115 | 94 | 19 | 2 |
2670 | And now, for you, that special one, out in the audience, you already read that page | 1.2000 | 0.04031 | 120 | 98 | 20 | 2 |
2671 | Remember, your admission includes a complimentary selfie with the performer in the kitchen after the show. | 1.2000 | 0.04204 | 140 | 118 | 16 | 6 |
2672 | And now my impression of Dean Martin | 1.2000 | 0.04134 | 115 | 94 | 19 | 2 |
2673 | So my wife's one of these people who never looks up from her book... | 1.2000 | 0.03818 | 155 | 129 | 21 | 5 |
2674 | Since you made it clear I wasn't performing IN the bed, I thought I'd start performing ON the bed. | 1.2000 | 0.03474 | 155 | 126 | 27 | 2 |
2675 | When I said I wanted to go to bed with you, this isn't what I had in mind. | 1.2000 | 0.04096 | 125 | 103 | 19 | 3 |
2676 | I thought you wanted to marry a stand up guy. | 1.2000 | 0.03998 | 130 | 107 | 20 | 3 |
2677 | You've probably heard the one about the woman who always reads in bed while her husband is doing standup. | 1.2000 | 0.03998 | 130 | 107 | 20 | 3 |
2678 | It's difficult for me to be up here tonight. | 1.2000 | 0.04096 | 125 | 103 | 19 | 3 |
2679 | At least heckle me? | 1.2000 | 0.04106 | 145 | 122 | 17 | 6 |
2680 | Nightly stand-up is what I do, and, as always, I thank you for being such a good audience. | 1.2000 | 0.03539 | 150 | 122 | 26 | 2 |
2681 | A man, a woman and a book walk into a bedroom… | 1.2000 | 0.03906 | 135 | 111 | 21 | 3 |
2682 | Don't forget to tip your author. | 1.2000 | 0.03820 | 140 | 115 | 22 | 3 |
2683 | A priest, a rabbi, and a heartless wife walk into a bar... | 1.2000 | 0.03846 | 130 | 106 | 22 | 2 |
2684 | I am the future of audio books | 1.2000 | 0.03846 | 130 | 106 | 22 | 2 |
2685 | Next time she would spend a little more and buy the audio version | 1.2000 | 0.03900 | 150 | 125 | 20 | 5 |
2686 | I feel like you’re misreading me. | 1.2000 | 0.03740 | 145 | 119 | 23 | 3 |
2687 | Tomorrow I'll try out new material. | 1.2000 | 0.04399 | 125 | 105 | 15 | 5 |
2688 | Good to be here tonight, I just flew in from Cleveland and boy is my marriage tired! | 1.2000 | 0.03741 | 160 | 133 | 22 | 5 |
2689 | I am soooo sorry that you are disappointed in my bedroom performance! | 1.2000 | 0.03820 | 140 | 115 | 22 | 3 |
2690 | Your "bed reading" drives me to drinking! | 1.2000 | 0.03683 | 140 | 114 | 24 | 2 |
2691 | So, I was pretty sure it was my wife, because she totally ignored me. emptied out our checking account, and booked two tickets to Acapulco with her personal trainer. | 1.2000 | 0.04487 | 115 | 96 | 15 | 4 |
2692 | Sure, now you don't laugh at me in bed. | 1.2000 | 0.0 |