Contest #831


Cartoon

831

The winning captions

These captions are chosen by The New Yorker.

  1. “Any happily married people here tonight?”
  2. “Was it funny for you?”
  3. “So, relationships—am I right?”


Name Value
Submission deadline 2022-12-11T23:37:00.000Z
Voting started -
Voting ended 2023-01-08T23:39:00.000Z
Finalists announced 2022-12-26T23:38:00.000Z
Magazine(s) announcing finalists issued January 2 & 9, 2023
Number of captions 4135
Number of responses 1039647
Number of participants -


Dashboard

In this table, the "mean" means the empirically measured average funniness score when the "unfunny", "somewhat funny" and "funny" receive a funniness score of 1, 2, 3 respectively. "Precison" is the standard error of the mean, the standard deviation of the mean estimate. With that, a caption with an empirical mean μ and precision σ has true mean in the range [μ - 2σ, μ + 2σ] with 95% probability by the 68-95-99.7 rule assuming the responses are indepedent and identically distributed.

Rank Caption Mean Precision Total votes "Unfunny" votes "Somewhat funny" votes "Funny" votes
0 Any happily married people here tonight? 1.8304 0.00996 6285 2583 2185 1517
1 And a special shoutout to my lovely wife who’s in the audience tonight. 1.8039 0.00880 7472 3040 2857 1575
2 This next one goes out to a special lady in the audience. You know who you are. 1.7852 0.00936 6782 2900 2439 1443
3 Well, at least this thing’s turned on. 1.7846 0.01070 5544 2486 1766 1292
4 You there. In the front row. 1.7755 0.01047 5413 2351 1926 1136
5 I took a performance enhancer. 1.7628 0.00822 9468 4417 2880 2171
6 ... and lastly, to my ever supportive, encouraging and, I hope, forgiving wife who I forgot to mention at the award banquet earlier this evening. 1.7622 0.00879 8447 4000 2456 1991
7 Hey. You said you wanted to marry a stand-up guy. 1.7606 0.00982 6007 2631 2183 1193
8 I didn't complain when YOU started working from home. 1.7574 0.00994 6015 2693 2088 1234
9 Apparently, this isn’t the only thing which isn’t turned on. 1.7568 0.01013 6159 2877 1903 1379
10 I need a volunteer from the audience. 1.7567 0.00869 7965 3598 2707 1660
11 So, I'm gonna guess this isn't the performance in the bedroom you were hoping for? 1.7554 0.01015 5764 2587 2000 1177
12 Isn't it rich... are we a pair? You with your nose in a book, me on the air? 1.7492 0.01246 3991 1863 1266 862
13 Wow. Tough crowd. 1.7483 0.00888 7472 3378 2597 1497
14 Second marriages are great; I'm looking forward to mine. 1.7480 0.01056 5548 2590 1766 1192
15 Well your profile did say you wanted a man that could perform in bed 1.7471 0.00878 8079 3797 2528 1754
16 Apparently I will not be performing this evening 1.7446 0.00958 6573 3035 2182 1356
17 So a guy comes home just a little late from a bar. 1.7427 0.00945 6542 2970 2285 1287
18 At least this thing’s turned on. 1.7417 0.00817 9415 4490 2867 2058
19 What about if I said I was imagining the audience naked? 1.7403 0.01062 5295 2448 1774 1073
20 My wife can read me like a book. In fact, she prefers the book. 1.7402 0.00983 6124 2814 2087 1223
21 I didn't appreciate your comment "every night is amateur night". 1.7367 0.01017 5833 2728 1913 1192
22 It’s nice to see a familiar face in the crowd. 1.7363 0.00867 7543 3395 2742 1406
23 No, honey. Monday is book night, Tuesday is sex night, and Wednesday is open mike night. 1.7345 0.00949 6441 2950 2251 1240
24 Who said I couldn't perform in bed? 1.7325 0.00915 7335 3495 2307 1533
25 I’m trying a new routine in the bedroom, just like you wanted. 1.7316 0.00967 6199 2853 2157 1189
26 This isn’t a one-night stand, I’m here all week. 1.7308 0.00891 7252 3326 2552 1374
27 Do I really have to audition for everything? 1.7293 0.01053 5283 2456 1801 1026
28 Is anyone celebrating an anniversary this evening? 1.7228 0.01363 3084 1429 1081 574
29 I had them in stitches in the kids' room. 1.7115 0.01170 4031 1861 1472 698
30 You've been a great audience - I'll be on the couch Tuesday and Wednesday. 1.7092 0.00893 7050 3304 2492 1254
31 Thanks for coming tonight. 1.7048 0.00843 8320 4049 2678 1593
32 Your husband's almost home. I'm the warm-up." 1.7033 0.00970 6039 2879 2073 1087
33 You could at least heckle me. 1.7025 0.00944 6085 2825 2245 1015
34 This not what I expected when you said 'one-night stand.' 1.6992 0.00977 6200 3049 1967 1184
35 Dave was eager show his new bride that he had no trouble performing in the bedroom 1.6983 0.01059 5263 2587 1677 999
36 "I gotta confess, 'having a little trouble reading the room here." 1.6968 0.00996 5396 2510 2012 874
37 I preferred the heckling, Helen. 1.6936 0.01493 2510 1204 871 435
38 I'd like to make a toast to the extra firm mattress that makes this all possible. 1.6857 0.00980 5771 2792 2001 978
39 Regrets? I’ve had a few. 1.6771 0.01028 5255 2581 1790 884
40 Sometimes I think we've fallen into a routine. 1.6757 0.01025 5165 2509 1822 834
41 So my wife asked me to up my performance in bed…. 1.6706 0.01074 4863 2429 1607 827
42 I don’t get it, you’re always saying my performance in bed is laughable… 1.6674 0.01006 5640 2860 1796 984
43 Talk about a one night stand. 1.6630 0.01127 4448 2258 1431 759
44 Worst one night stand ever 1.6563 0.01094 4708 2413 1500 795
45 Have I mentioned I've been having performance anxiety lately? 1.6478 0.01111 4284 2153 1487 644
46 Not knowing which she would enjoy more, the printed or audio version of the book, she opted for both. 1.6410 0.01595 2212 1162 682 368
47 Thank you, thank you. I’ll be here till death do us part. 1.6331 0.01887 1480 761 501 218
48 I'll be here all week...or maybe on the couch after tonight. 1.6241 0.01233 3426 1778 1158 490
49 You asked me to improvise. 1.6136 0.01180 3931 2129 1192 610
50 Ladies and gentlemen, working from home is still not going great. 1.6125 0.01347 2808 1470 956 382
51 You used to love that I'm a stand-up guy. 1.6105 0.03108 534 282 178 74
52 This isn’t the first time my wife has been unimpressed with me in bed. 1.6087 0.01415 2599 1383 850 366
53 Well, you did say I was a joke in bed. 1.6010 0.01529 2268 1234 705 329
54 Jennifer really wished Robert’s mid-life crises was another woman and not stand up. 1.6006 0.01470 2634 1485 716 433
55 So, this is where you throw your panties onstage. 1.5916 0.01578 2319 1336 594 389
56 So, this isn't your idea of performing in bed? 1.5903 0.01525 2360 1329 669 362
57 I distinctly recall you saying “I need you to be more open, Mike”! 1.5737 0.01700 1886 1087 516 283
58 So, relationships— am I right? 1.5736 0.01695 1808 1019 541 248
59 Good looking crowd. Who here's been married a while? 1.5695 0.01716 1812 1041 510 261
60 Why do you have to check everything I say? 1.5645 0.01947 1318 741 410 167
61 Tough crowd tonight. 1.5611 0.01762 1556 867 505 184
62 Tough room… 1.5609 0.01805 1608 929 456 223
63 Same old routine tonight? 1.5604 0.01902 1390 789 423 178
64 This one goes out to the little lady in the pink nightgown. 1.5583 0.01980 1329 769 378 182
65 Thank you and good night. I’m booked at the guest bedroom indefinitely. 1.5582 0.01833 1503 858 451 194
66 At the bar, you'd didn't say I'd have to audition." 1.5574 0.01873 1464 843 426 195
67 Is it the material, or the delivery? 1.5537 0.01921 1434 842 390 202
68 So, I'm married. Anyone else in the room married? 1.5535 0.01978 1346 789 369 188
69 If you think I'm lousy ON the bed, just wait. 1.5526 0.01950 1359 791 385 183
70 Something tells me I should move my act to the couch. 1.5523 0.01850 1425 809 445 171
71 One of us is at the wrong address. I’m beginning to think it may be me. 1.5520 0.01874 1384 785 434 165
72 Guess what, honey? I’ve conquered my performance anxiety. 1.5508 0.01891 1418 821 413 184
73 I never thought I'd miss hecklers. 1.5498 0.02069 1124 637 356 131
74 Anyone here married? 1.5496 0.01931 1370 797 393 180
75 So I'm thinking that's a No? 1.5493 0.02075 1187 691 340 156
76 You said you wanted a standup guy. 1.5486 0.01951 1318 762 389 167
77 I know you'd clap if it wouldn't turn off the lights. 1.5484 0.02067 1260 752 325 183
78 Janice was starting to feel like it was going to be harder than she thought to cancel her audio book subscription. 1.5483 0.02125 1295 803 274 218
79 I'd like to give a shout out to my wife, if she listening tonight... 1.5450 0.01993 1268 739 367 162
80 You know him... you hopefully love him... please welcome to the bed... your husband! 1.5422 0.02088 1160 680 331 149
81 Okay, let's have a show of hands. How many of you folks out there currently have a headache? 1.5415 0.02178 1084 641 299 144
82 You did say that you were looking for a stand up guy. 1.5391 0.02058 1150 667 346 137
83 Was it funny for you? 1.5383 0.02252 992 584 282 126
84 My agent told me to try more intimate rooms. 1.5379 0.01999 1162 662 375 125
85 If I can make it here, I can make it anywhere. 1.5342 0.02157 1112 667 296 149
86 I’d like to close tonight with a story about my future ex-wife… 1.5339 0.02270 987 588 271 128
87 Like it or not I'll be here every night this week. 1.5337 0.02049 1171 688 341 142
88 Pretty laid back crowd tonight. 1.5332 0.02169 1024 597 308 119
89 The one time I want you to laugh in bed. 1.5329 0.02205 1034 614 289 131
90 She turned the page slowly, seductively. 1.5324 0.02295 973 583 262 128
91 So you, yeah you with the book, what brings you here tonight? 1.5310 0.02241 1015 608 275 132
92 Any requests besides, Not Tonight, Derek. 1.5306 0.02240 1031 622 271 138
93 Take my pleas, wife! 1.5301 0.02327 981 599 244 138
94 Anyone here from the right side of the bed? 1.5295 0.02264 948 558 278 112
95 Stand up and erection are two very different things. 1.5280 0.02280 1070 669 237 164
96 Looks like we got a reader over there... what's your name and who are you with? 1.5266 0.02447 847 510 228 109
97 Well this is an improvement over my last audience. I actually put them to sleep. 1.5261 0.02106 1072 629 322 121
98 So my wife told me I should take more risks in the bedroom… 1.5244 0.02173 982 572 305 105
99 You have your bedtime routine and I have mine.” 1.5231 0.02495 887 557 196 134
100 I’m trying a new bedtime routine 1.5224 0.02278 938 559 268 111
101 Jim's performance in the bedroom began to suffer 1.5222 0.02234 1082 674 251 157
102 I'd like to thank you for coming tonight. 1.5214 0.02230 957 566 283 108
103 My jokes will put you to sleep faster than that book. 1.5209 0.02308 885 522 265 98
104 I feel like my performance in bed doesn't interest you. 1.5198 0.02242 983 592 271 120
105 I told you I was a stand-up guy 1.5198 0.02398 835 497 242 96
106 Could you at least heckle? 1.5194 0.02191 926 535 301 90
107 Performing in bed is sort of a vague term. 1.5189 0.02252 927 548 277 102
108 What do you mean, living with me has become a routine? 1.5181 0.02260 940 561 271 108
109 You're the one who asked me to be more creative in bed." 1.5180 0.02359 919 563 236 120
110 This relationship isn’t working. You’re a morning person and I’m a figment of your imagination. 1.5178 0.02502 786 474 217 95
111 Hey, you're the one who was worried I couldn't perform in bed. 1.5155 0.02320 937 573 245 119
112 And my first impression tonight is “ Invisible man” 1.5145 0.02606 692 412 204 76
113 But you wanted to see how I performed in bed! 1.5134 0.02447 898 566 203 129
114 I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport. 1.5132 0.02438 836 510 223 103
115 John's one night stand. 1.5078 0.02622 774 490 175 109
116 I call it my bedtime routine. 1.5044 0.02313 914 562 243 109
117 …so if you’ll please raise a glass and join me in toasting the time when you thought I was still interesting. 1.5026 0.02390 764 451 242 71
118 Good to see ya, folks. Nice crowd. So, anyone out there disillusioned with their husband's career choices? 1.5024 0.02437 834 517 215 102
119 This one's for the little lady in the front row reading Women on Top 1.5013 0.02435 790 480 224 86
120 For this next bit, I'm going to need a volunteer. 1.5007 0.02597 687 416 198 73
121 Look, I told you I was a stand-up guy. 1.5007 0.02463 769 467 219 83
122 You said you wanted me to improve my performance in bed. 1.5000 0.02584 756 474 186 96
123 Well, I see a new face here tonight." 1.5000 0.02608 728 453 186 89
124 What’s the difference between a husband and a good book? The book can’t be put down. 1.4992 0.02836 649 413 148 88
125 Sometimes Maggie regretted subscribing to the Super Premium Audible membership. 1.4979 0.02651 723 456 174 93
126 We have very different bedtime routines. 1.4979 0.02538 715 434 206 75
127 I thought you’d be happy that I’ve overcome my performance anxiety 1.4972 0.02583 718 443 193 82
128 You there in the front row, are you single? 1.4972 0.02586 714 440 193 81
129 If you think this is uninteresting just wait until I’m naked 1.4971 0.02660 690 429 179 82
130 The comedy club has been encouraging me to work from home. 1.4964 0.02588 699 428 195 76
131 Honestly, this is the first time we’ve been in bed and I haven’t gotten a laugh. 1.4964 0.02626 691 426 187 78
132 Well, I see my time is up. 1.4962 0.02433 782 477 222 83
133 I can go all night. 1.4955 0.02550 670 400 208 62
134 And in closing, I'd like to thank my beautiful wife, Kate, for her untiring ability to ignore repeated requests for intimacy while deeply engrossed in yet another romance novel featuring a workaholic husband, a neglected wife, and a pool boy. 1.4944 0.02714 716 461 156 99
135 I dedicate this next song to my mother-in-law,who told us that getting rid of our TV would improve our sex life 1.4942 0.02601 694 427 191 76
136 My next number is dedicated to my lovely wife, "Strangers in the Night." 1.4932 0.02453 813 509 207 97
137 This is what I've been saying- the bed is too firm. I shouldn't be able to do this. 1.4902 0.02731 612 375 174 63
138 Is this thing on? 1.4894 0.02929 662 443 114 105
139 You said you only sleep with stand-up guys. 1.4892 0.02744 693 448 151 94
140 I see some familiar faces in the audience tonight. 1.4890 0.02629 681 423 183 75
141 Thanks for coming out tonight! Who else here has a headache? 1.4889 0.02832 632 404 147 81
142 I must’ve misread the room. 1.4883 0.02586 725 456 184 85
143 'A Protagonist, an Antagonist, and a Lonely Husband walk into a bar..." 1.4880 0.02768 627 393 162 72
144 Are you getting sleepy yet? I'm almost out of material. 1.4874 0.02791 597 370 163 64
145 So my wife told me I needed to improve my performance in the bedroom… 1.4863 0.02593 691 429 188 74
146 And by request, “Strangers in the night” 1.4850 0.02804 635 406 150 79
147 Well you did ask if I could perform well in bed 1.4843 0.02455 766 476 209 81
148 So I say to her, "You know, you're holding the book upside down." 1.4843 0.02880 572 359 149 64
149 What if I promise no wife jokes? 1.4838 0.02653 618 376 185 57
150 Not in the mood? No worries—I’ll be here all week. 1.4826 0.02829 603 382 151 70
151 Did you just fake the applause? 1.4824 0.02740 597 368 170 59
152 Please hold your applause to the end. 1.4823 0.02803 566 348 163 55
153 Anybody else here think they misunderstood "one night stand"? 1.4805 0.02755 666 431 150 85
154 This next song goes out to the angry wife in the front row. 1.4794 0.02769 632 403 155 74
155 Now would be an ok time for you to laugh at my performance in bed. 1.4794 0.02739 630 398 162 70
156 You could at least have the decency to heckle me. 1.4793 0.02361 799 494 227 78
157 Is it the wife jokes? 1.4790 0.02837 595 378 149 68
158 Hey! Did you hear the one about the wife who would pretend to be reading a book every time she really wanted to have sex?! 1.4788 0.02690 685 441 160 84
159 I guess this new position isn’t working either. 1.4785 0.02660 673 427 170 76
160 When we were dating, you liked my stand-up. 1.4782 0.02732 596 369 169 58
161 I know you're out there, I can hear you turning pages. 1.4766 0.02664 642 402 174 66
162 Honey I'm home! 1.4766 0.03175 491 317 114 60
163 At least no one in the audience is dozing off. 1.4763 0.02736 613 385 164 64
164 How many people here are married? 1.4750 0.02667 659 418 169 72
165 Any single ladies here tonight? 1.4745 0.02769 609 386 157 66
166 You laugh when I'm under the sheets. 1.4741 0.02633 637 396 180 61
167 I’m practicing visualizing the audience in their underwear. 1.4740 0.02778 576 359 161 56
168 So yeah, having to perform every night in bed isn't easy ... 1.4727 0.02827 641 422 135 84
169 This is a good sign, at least you're not falling asleep. 1.4725 0.02761 527 318 169 40
170 How many here have a headache tonight? 1.4709 0.02963 550 355 131 64
171 I'm working on my performance in the bedroom. 1.4709 0.02767 618 396 153 69
172 This is the first time I've tried stand-up with a one-night stand. 1.4704 0.02817 574 363 152 59
173 ... but enough about my first wife... 1.4701 0.03025 551 362 119 70
174 Do we have any readers in the house tonight? 1.4697 0.02902 545 346 142 57
175 Aren't you at least going to heckle me? 1.4687 0.02774 527 321 165 41
176 I take it you didn't care for the warm-up act. 1.4665 0.02821 538 335 155 48
177 Honey, you're the one who suggested role-playing. 1.4659 0.02944 543 350 133 60
178 My crowds have gotten smaller since the pandemic." 1.4655 0.02843 522 324 153 45
179 but that’s enough about me 1.4653 0.02862 576 372 140 64
180 You've really been a great audience. I've never felt so at home. 1.4653 0.03070 475 301 127 47
181 I thought you said my performance in bed was laughable? 1.4652 0.03103 503 328 116 59
182 I kind of like this working from home. 1.4642 0.02940 517 328 138 51
183 I'll be here all week to reflect on why I forgot our anniversary. 1.4607 0.02877 560 362 138 60
184 Ronda nervously laughed as she looked at Bob. He didn’t know this was her first one night stand up. 1.4587 0.03192 484 321 104 59
185 I'd like to begin by thanking my wife for her love and support 1.4579 0.02896 546 353 136 57
186 Ignore me if you’ve heard this one before. 1.4578 0.02999 474 299 133 42
187 I never know when you’re faking an applause. 1.4573 0.02875 586 387 130 69
188 But seriously, folks . . . my wife isn't into me anymore. Last night she met me at the door wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was just coming home. 1.4569 0.03645 394 268 72 54
189 You’ve been a great audience. I’ll be here all your life. 1.4566 0.03055 438 273 130 35
190 My next song is going out to a little lady tucked in bed reading another unbelievable romance novel..." 1.4556 0.02993 507 328 127 52
191 The least you could do is heckle me. 1.4553 0.02923 481 301 141 39
192 So I asked my wife what book was her favorite. Her response: Your checkbook. 1.4538 0.03035 509 334 119 56
193 What? Your Match profile said you were looking for a stand-up guy… 1.4515 0.02933 536 351 128 57
194 Okay, so now I know when you say “try something new in the bedroom,” you don’t mean “material”… 1.4512 0.03026 461 293 128 40
195 Stay tuned for some exciting action, sports fans; the little lady just found my diary! 1.4512 0.03237 461 307 100 54
196 I’m trying to be the stand-up guy your mom has always wished I was. 1.4509 0.02872 530 341 139 50
197 Women always say they want a man who makes them laugh. so here goes … 1.4506 0.03279 415 269 105 41
198 Try reading the room sometime. 1.4500 0.02913 500 319 137 44
199 And of course, none of this would have been possible without my wife’s undying attention and support. 1.4493 0.03057 483 315 119 49
200 But in response to ‘turn ons,’ you wrote, ‘guys who make me laugh’. 1.4488 0.02940 537 354 125 58
201 Wow, tough audience. 1.4483 0.03026 464 297 126 41
202 At least the microphone is turned on. 1.4481 0.03218 453 300 103 50
203 I'd like to dedicate this song to all the lonely husbands out there whose wives pay them no mind. 1.4471 0.02952 463 292 135 36
204 Hard to read the room when the room is reading. 1.4468 0.03002 479 309 126 44
205 I don’t think this is the role play the therapist had in mind. 1.4461 0.03026 464 298 125 41
206 I see some very familiar faces in the crowd tonight. 1.4459 0.03422 388 255 93 40
207 But I thought you said you wanted more variety in the bedroom? 1.4457 0.03121 460 301 113 46
208 I mean what’s the deal with orgasms anyway? 1.4444 0.03217 432 283 106 43
209 First and foremost, I'd like to thank my wife who is not here tonight 1.4442 0.03329 403 264 99 40
210 hi, it's your husband and best selling author of "Shut the Lights and let's go to Bed" 1.4434 0.03115 442 286 116 40
211 Honey, could you possibly put the book down long enough to heckle me? 1.4430 0.02989 465 298 128 39
212 The mattress salesman said whatever I do in bed, it won’t disturb you. 1.4426 0.03167 488 331 98 59
213 This isn't as big a turn-on as I'd hoped. 1.4426 0.02936 470 299 134 37
214 We got any readers out there in the audience? 1.4417 0.03045 446 286 123 37
215 Isn’t this what you meant when you said “dinner and a show”? 1.4417 0.03068 480 317 114 49
216 Wasn't it you who said you wanted me to talk more in bed? 1.4416 0.03288 428 285 97 46
217 I can see this is a really tough audience tonight. 1.4396 0.02922 480 308 133 39
218 How's this for performing better in the bedroom? 1.4391 0.03071 476 315 113 48
219 Honey, I have an announcement to make. 1.4390 0.03331 426 287 91 48
220 Is this enough foreplay for you, or should I do another set? 1.4372 0.03052 430 275 122 33
221 Anyone from out of town? 1.4361 0.03165 438 289 107 42
222 My next guest is a stay at home serial killer who is reading "Catcher In the Rye. 1.4359 0.03137 468 314 104 50
223 To my wife sex is a novel concept—it only occurs in books late at night. 1.4352 0.03165 471 319 99 53
224 Is this a good time to talk? 1.4350 0.03435 400 271 84 45
225 Thank you. I'll be here all night. 1.4349 0.03219 384 246 109 29
226 We need to talk. 1.4347 0.03259 398 260 103 35
227 It says here that performance issues are perfectly normal at your age. 1.4346 0.03223 451 305 96 50
228 Thank you New York! It's great to be here tonight. Say, has anybody's wife ever told them they're a joke in bed? 1.4342 0.03455 357 234 91 32
229 My doc says I should practice a nightly routine before bed. 1.4332 0.03721 337 228 72 37
230 One-night stand…up. 1.4317 0.03189 410 268 107 35
231 You there, the lady in the front row…where are you visiting from? 1.4317 0.03133 417 271 112 34
232 I sense it’s time to wrap this up. 1.4304 0.03235 395 258 104 33
233 On our wedding day I vowed to be your stand-up guy for life. 1.4304 0.02882 474 305 134 35
234 Thanks for comin' out tonight. I'm here all week. And for the rest of your life. 1.4300 0.03280 407 271 97 39
235 You asked me to perform in the bedroom. 1.4297 0.03279 377 245 102 30
236 This isn't helping my performance anxiety. 1.4292 0.03072 459 305 111 43
237 'When I told you I was going to become a stand up comedian, you laughed. Well, you're not laughing now." 1.4282 0.03424 404 277 81 46
238 If I could have your attention please 1.4275 0.03184 414 273 105 36
239 Good evening woman in the first row, where are you from? 1.4246 0.03397 358 236 92 30
240 This one goes out to all the women who never paid attention to me. 1.4242 0.03431 363 242 88 33
241 When I asked my agent to book more intimate venues this is not what I had in mind. 1.4234 0.03612 359 247 72 40
242 Can I get a volunteer from the audience? 1.4233 0.03290 378 249 98 31
243 I haven't worked a room like this since I was single 1.4227 0.03481 362 244 83 35
244 Do you come here often? 1.4226 0.03376 381 256 89 36
245 Are you sure this is how audiobooks work?" 1.4223 0.03482 386 266 77 43
246 Can we have a little audience participation? 1.4219 0.03356 384 258 90 36
247 You said to be more spontaneous in bed. 1.4218 0.03428 339 222 91 26
248 I do requests 1.4218 0.03338 377 251 93 33
249 So, do we have anyone from the right side of the bed here tonight? 1.4217 0.03671 351 243 68 40
250 But you always say I don’t communicate. 1.4213 0.03217 356 228 106 22
251 Thanks, I’ll be here all night. 1.4212 0.03216 368 238 105 25
252 You used to laugh at my jokes. 1.4207 0.03257 397 265 97 35
253 You have said my jokes put you to sleep. So, I thought, why not? 1.4203 0.03149 433 291 102 40
254 This Audio book was more than you bargained for wasn't it? 1.4203 0.03603 345 235 75 35
255 'The lady in the front, yes, you under the blanket. Where are you from?' 1.4200 0.03161 400 263 106 31
256 Let me tell you about my wife. 1.4198 0.03094 405 264 112 29
257 Thank you for coming tonight … if I'm not being too presumptive. 1.4195 0.03649 348 240 70 38
258 What makes you think I want your attention 1.4190 0.03487 327 215 87 25
259 Walter was always told to work on his performance in bed 1.4185 0.03498 356 241 81 34
260 What was off, my timing? 1.4185 0.03237 368 240 102 26
261 The therapist said we needed a new routine. 1.4184 0.03245 392 261 98 33
262 We both agreed to try a new routine. 1.4179 0.03295 335 215 100 20
263 My therapist told me I should stand up for myself 1.4176 0.03444 340 225 88 27
264 Thank you. I'm here for the rest of your life. 1.4175 0.03348 388 263 88 37
265 "C'mon honey, it's my birthday. You promised once a year!" 1.4173 0.03352 381 257 89 35
266 Am I misreading the situation or does this mean no second date? 1.4171 0.03343 362 240 93 29
267 I remember when you used to laugh at me in bed. 1.4171 0.03210 398 265 100 33
268 I see I've lost some of the audience. 1.4169 0.03397 343 226 91 26
269 Tough audience here tonight! 1.4167 0.03338 348 228 95 25
270 I'm sorry your husand couldn't make it tonight. 1.4167 0.03535 324 215 83 26
271 Thank you for coming tonight. 1.4164 0.03701 293 194 76 23
272 And now, one for the lonely, the lovelorn, the very, very tired. 1.4162 0.03250 358 233 101 24
273 So, who here’s married? 1.4160 0.03532 351 239 78 34
274 And I used to think someone in the audience on their cell phone was the ultimate insult. 1.4154 0.03464 337 224 86 27
275 Did you hear the one about the woman who mistook her husband for a book? 1.4154 0.03564 337 228 78 31
276 I thought our "evenings of shared passions" would go differently. 1.4151 0.03262 371 245 98 28
277 Any married people here tonight? 1.4147 0.03416 340 225 89 26
278 Hostile crowd, I see. 1.4146 0.03596 316 211 79 26
279 What's the deal with foreplay? 1.4144 0.03331 374 251 91 32
280 Let's have a big hand for my lovely wife Madeline, who's in the audience tonight. 1.4142 0.03175 437 299 95 43
281 And they say introverts and extroverts can’t date 1.4137 0.03149 394 260 105 29
282 I'm Dan Danny, the opening act for your husband. He'll be here to perform for you later. 1.4135 0.03482 312 204 87 21
283 Thank you, thank you. It's great to be back here in the master bedroom. How we all doing " 1.4130 0.03655 322 219 73 30
284 Does this meet your definition of performing better in bed? 1.4128 0.03392 390 269 81 40
285 What we have here is a failure to communicate. 1.4128 0.03234 344 222 102 20
286 Ohhhh, your fantasy was Mike and I, not me and a mic. 1.4125 0.03611 337 231 73 33
287 ‘Alan, you’re sleep talking again’ 1.4125 0.03537 337 228 79 30
288 Line? 1.4123 0.03482 308 201 87 20
289 Marriage is a funny thing. Anybody here married? 1.4119 0.03633 318 215 75 28
290 Divorce me if you’ve heard this one before… 1.4116 0.03316 362 241 93 28
291 Remember when all you wanted was a stand up guy? 1.4110 0.03342 365 245 90 30
292 Is it better if I try a different position? 1.4109 0.03290 387 262 91 34
293 The name implies I can't do this lying down 1.4108 0.03494 314 207 85 22
294 Let me know if you have heard this one before. A woman invites a man she met at a comedy club to spend the night... 1.4107 0.03714 280 185 75 20
295 I see I have a laid back crowd here tonight! 1.4107 0.03428 319 209 89 21
296 This next comedian is ALSO sorry he forgot our anniversary. 1.4106 0.04132 263 182 54 27
297 Just so you know, that voice in your head while you read? It’s been me this whole time. 1.4097 0.03400 349 234 87 28
298 It seems we have totally different ideas of what it means to "lounge" around in bed. 1.4085 0.03555 306 203 81 22
299 That is SO not what I meant by "oral." 1.4083 0.03658 360 256 61 43
300 Why do you say I make a joke out of everything? 1.4082 0.03490 343 233 80 30
301 Carol, you said you want to separate, but would you consider telling me if I have any habits that annoy you? 1.4077 0.03812 287 195 67 25
302 Not another one night standup. 1.4071 0.03287 366 245 93 28
303 How about the weather we’ve been having for the past five months? Frigid, I’d say, definitely frigid. 1.4069 0.03418 376 260 79 37
304 Thanks, I'll be here 7 nights a week. 1.4068 0.03268 354 234 96 24
305 I'll be here all week. I live here. 1.4062 0.03280 352 233 95 24
306 I thought you said ‘one mic stand’ 1.4046 0.03677 346 245 62 39
307 Well, looks like this will be another one-night stand. 1.4043 0.03719 329 231 63 35
308 Susan? Susan? Is this thing on? 1.4035 0.03505 347 239 76 32
309 How about reading the room? 1.4034 0.03480 357 247 76 34
310 I planned a 30 minute set, but knowing me it’ll probably only last 5. 1.4033 0.03345 367 250 86 31
311 I’d like to dedicate this next tune to my wife—she’d kill me if she knew where I am tonight. 1.4029 0.03315 350 234 91 25
312 My name is Jack and I've been celibate for three years. 1.4019 0.03668 316 218 69 29
313 I always thought I was good in bed - but this is a tough audience. 1.4017 0.03487 346 238 77 31
314 Try visualizing the characters, Dawn. I’m just the narrator. 1.4012 0.03576 324 222 74 28
315 I thought you wanted a stand-up guy. 1.4011 0.03393 349 237 84 28
316 Couldn't you at least heckle me? 1.4000 0.03440 335 227 82 26
317 Anyone here married, in need of attention? 1.4000 0.03486 310 207 82 21
318 Thank you for staying home tonight 1.3994 0.03325 348 234 89 25
319 You told me you were looking for a stand-up guy. 1.3994 0.03408 343 233 83 27
320 But enough about my wife… 1.3994 0.03664 313 216 69 28
321 This next one goes out to my #1 fan 1.3981 0.03547 324 222 75 27
322 Do we have anyone who is happily married in the audience? 1.3977 0.03511 352 246 72 34
323 I'm dying up here. Not even a heckle ??? 1.3974 0.03438 312 208 84 20
324 Don’t complain about how I perform in bed. 1.3969 0.03538 325 223 75 27
325 I miss your heckling. 1.3966 0.03539 295 197 79 19
326 Can I at least get a heckle? 1.3966 0.03372 295 192 89 14
327 You’ve been a great audience, and I’ll be here every night for the next sixty years. 1.3965 0.03145 396 269 97 30
328 You said you wanted to add some variety to our bedroom routine. 1.3952 0.03495 334 230 76 28
329 I thought you said you wanted to try roleplay in bed? I've just always wanted to try being a comedian. 1.3951 0.03479 329 225 78 26
330 But you used to love my monologue. 1.3946 0.03307 294 190 92 12
331 ...and last but not least, I want to thank Maggie, my wife, for cleaning up the dishes and taking care of the kids. 1.3940 0.03543 302 204 77 21
332 When I said I was looking for a one night stand, THIS wasn't it. 1.3939 0.03497 363 257 69 37
333 Did I ever tell you about the one where the husband is always feeling ignored. 1.3938 0.03785 292 203 63 26
334 Fine! Maybe that's not what you meant when you asked for 'oral', but it looks like you're still getting your happy ending. 1.3934 0.03579 305 208 74 23
335 Can you hear me in the back everyone? 1.3926 0.03718 270 182 70 18
336 Anyone else here really miss travelling for work? 1.3925 0.03774 293 204 63 26
337 Maybe I should try imagining the audience naked 💭 1.3924 0.03445 344 238 77 29
338 When you said yes to a one night stand this isn't what it I had in mind. 1.3918 0.03497 319 218 77 24
339 I liked it better when you heckled me. 1.3918 0.03504 268 175 81 12
340 The doctor said I need to develop a sleep routine. 1.3916 0.03515 309 210 77 22
341 I’m disappointed that my wife couldn’t be here tonight.” 1.3905 0.03821 274 189 63 22
342 If you would also likeTo ignore me in the car, be sure to subscribe to my podcast 1.3902 0.03828 287 201 60 26
343 Ok, ok…no more wife jokes. 1.3898 0.03564 295 200 75 20
344 "Is anyone here in a relationship...? Anyone?... Anyone 1.3891 0.03740 293 204 64 25
345 It was more fun when you heckled me. 1.3887 0.03451 301 202 81 18
346 Take indifference, would anyone here care to weigh in? 1.3887 0.03451 301 202 81 18
347 Due to unpopular demand, this will be my final performance. 1.3887 0.04030 247 171 56 20
348 I would lie down with you, but I'm a stand-up comedian. 1.3882 0.03568 340 241 66 33
349 Thank you very much. I’ll be here all marriage. 1.3881 0.03207 353 238 93 22
350 I have a big repertoire, but sorry I don’t know’Shut Up And Go To Sleep.’ 1.3877 0.03867 276 193 59 24
351 I’d like to open with a little number on contrition, regret and absolution. 1.3876 0.03790 258 175 66 17
352 Take my wife—please! Hey, is this thing on? 1.3858 0.03453 324 223 77 24
353 In therapy you said you wanted me to stand up for you. 1.3853 0.03512 327 228 72 27
354 So lately I feel like my wife's books are replacing me, we aren't on the same page anymore. 1.3846 0.03514 312 215 74 23
355 His performance in bed had became routine. 1.3841 0.03863 276 194 58 24
356 The only time I can get a woman to laugh at me is in the bedroom. 1.3833 0.03591 287 196 72 19
357 A woman and a stand-up get into bed-- stop me if you've heard this one. 1.3830 0.03634 282 193 70 19
358 Take my wife's pajamas, please. 1.3830 0.03599 282 192 72 18
359 I’ll tell ya, my wife and I just don’t think alike. She thinks foreplay is reading a good book, I think it’s a standup act. 1.3830 0.03634 282 193 70 19
360 Its a quarter to three. There's no one in the joint except you and me. 1.3826 0.03563 298 205 72 21
361 Looks like we’re both having a quiet night 1.3825 0.03772 251 170 66 15
362 May I have your attention? 1.3818 0.03181 330 220 94 16
363 Does it look like I’m joking? 1.3818 0.03767 275 191 63 21
364 Anyone here from out of town? 1.3817 0.03530 317 221 71 25
365 I promise, after tonight to seek a better work/life balance. 1.3817 0.03744 262 179 66 17
366 Truthfully, do you think I'm underperforming? 1.3811 0.03364 328 225 81 22
367 Any requests before they turn off the lights? 1.3804 0.03613 276 188 71 17
368 Well, this is awkward, folks...most of my material is about my wife... 1.3802 0.03701 313 224 59 30
369 I'm Home! 1.3801 0.03767 271 188 63 20
370 We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty” 1.3798 0.03659 258 174 70 14
371 Who here has trouble communicating with their wife? 1.3787 0.03967 272 195 51 26
372 Tough audience. 1.3786 0.03646 280 193 68 19
373 HELLOOOOOO Connecticut! So nice to be here. 1.3782 0.03832 275 194 58 23
374 I see you have a problem with my new bedtime routine. 1.3778 0.03399 352 249 73 30
375 'I decided to perform in bed tonight. 1.3774 0.03906 257 180 57 20
376 Can you at least heckle a bit? 1.3771 0.03335 297 199 84 14
377 I've been heckled before, but nothing like this. 1.3766 0.03321 308 208 84 16
378 What's a nice girl like you reading in a place like this? 1.3763 0.03749 287 203 60 24
379 Heckle me, you vixen. 1.3760 0.03736 258 177 65 16
380 Is this not the type of performance you wanted that we were talking about before? 1.3758 0.03671 306 218 61 27
381 I'm sorry that I said "Take my wife, please" 1.3750 0.04083 248 177 49 22
382 Tough audience. Well, that's it for me - I'll be here all week . . . hopefully. 1.3750 0.03474 296 203 75 18
383 You've been a great audience, Pam, I'll be here all week. Don't forget to tip the guy who works all day and would like a home cooked meal now and again. 1.3750 0.04136 296 225 31 40
384 You knew going in that I was a stand-up guy. 1.3750 0.03878 248 172 59 17
385 Follow my dreams, you said. 1.3750 0.03832 240 164 62 14
386 Any married couples here tonight 1.3746 0.03422 315 218 76 21
387 It’s ok, dear. You can just make me laugh the regular way. 1.3746 0.03482 299 206 74 19
388 If you’ve missed the show, I’ll still be here tomorrow night. 1.3745 0.03491 267 179 76 12
389 Am I just another one-night stand-up to you? 1.3745 0.03843 259 181 59 19
390 In keep with our Festivus traditions, the airing of grievances will now commence. 1.3740 0.03814 254 176 61 17
391 My wife couldn’t make it tonight, she’s at home pretending like she can’t hear me. 1.3736 0.03740 273 191 62 20
392 This next hour of begging is made possible by viewers like you. 1.3729 0.03673 295 209 62 24
393 Ok, we've dimmed the lights, made ourselves drinks, I've serenaded you with love songs; what does that damn sex manual say to do next? 1.3727 0.04039 271 198 45 28
394 So, a man walks into a bedroom. 1.3726 0.03644 263 180 68 15
395 I also do audio books. 1.3725 0.03356 298 202 81 15
396 You said we could talk after that last chapter! 1.3723 0.04023 231 161 54 16
397 But seriously, our sex life is no joke. 1.3708 0.03605 267 183 69 15
398 Recently I decided to shake up my nighttime routine. 1.3707 0.03278 294 197 85 12
399 With Jim, it was always the same bedtime routine. 1.3707 0.03799 259 181 60 18
400 I see we have a heckler. 1.3701 0.03556 281 194 70 17
401 Something tells me I read the room wrong. 1.3701 0.03484 281 192 74 15
402 I know you're enjoying this. You keep losing your place. 1.3699 0.03977 246 174 53 19
403 It's always a pleasure to be with my hometown audience. 1.3695 0.03508 295 205 71 19
404 My agent warned me that this could be a tough venue. 1.3688 0.03754 282 201 58 23
405 She couldn’t ignore him forever, she thought to herself. 1.3686 0.03913 236 164 57 15
406 ‘Anyone here a reader? … Anyone like to read?’ 1.3682 0.03658 296 211 61 24
407 What did you think I meant by "six good minutes?" 1.3682 0.03969 277 203 46 28
408 But seriously, folks, take my wife's book, please! 1.3681 0.03530 288 200 70 18
409 Where are my pajamas ? 1.3680 0.03772 269 190 59 20
410 I’d like to observe a moment of silence for the passing of our sex life. 1.3677 0.04307 223 161 42 20
411 I will never be able to compete with Jane Austen! 1.3672 0.03520 305 215 68 22
412 And, for my next number: Strangers in the Night. 1.3672 0.03576 256 174 70 12
413 Our next comic needs no introduction. 1.3668 0.03591 259 177 69 13
414 Did you hear the one about the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac? She stays up all night wondering if there really is a dog. 1.3664 0.03627 292 207 63 22
415 I’ve played some tough crowds, but…. 1.3659 0.03844 246 172 58 16
416 Thanks folks, I'll be here all night. 1.3652 0.03358 282 191 79 12
417 This is a different kind of one night stand 1.3652 0.03775 293 213 53 27
418 You’re supposed to say “how bored is she?” 1.3647 0.03750 255 178 61 16
419 You don’t come here often. 1.3646 0.04507 192 137 40 15
420 Hi, honey, I’m home! 1.3644 0.03861 236 164 58 14
421 Passive, meet aggressive. 1.3641 0.04312 184 127 47 10
422 I forgot, is this my bedroom fantasy or yours? 1.3633 0.03573 278 194 67 17
423 I'd have thought that my shoes on the bed would have captured your attention 1.3632 0.04199 234 170 43 21
424 So thanks for coming. I'll be here all week. 1.3629 0.03939 237 167 54 16
425 In hindsight, I can see this isn’t what you meant by a new bedroom set 1.3623 0.04272 207 147 45 15
426 Well, folks, it looks like I've got a tough audience tonight. 1.3621 0.03577 301 215 63 23
427 How far do you intend to go? I'm only booked until 11:30. 1.3621 0.03854 232 161 58 13
428 You never liked my bedtime routine 1.3619 0.03774 268 191 57 20
429 Are you lonesome tonight? 1.3618 0.04332 199 141 44 14
430 It's a quarter to three. There's no one in the place 'cept you and me. Make it one for my baby, and one for the road. 1.3617 0.03820 235 163 59 13
431 When I get nervous, I picture you in clothing. 1.3615 0.04115 260 193 40 27
432 So that’s what you meant by booking me for tonight? 1.3615 0.04343 213 154 41 18
433 Man walks into a bedroom and says, hey is this bed taken? 1.3615 0.04080 213 149 51 13
434 Not even a heckle? 1.3613 0.03454 274 188 73 13
435 A funny thing happened to me on the way to your bedroom. 1.3609 0.04065 230 164 49 17
436 Hello, my name is John and I'm an alcoholic. 1.3605 0.03834 258 184 55 19
437 My last gig was an all-nighter. 1.3602 0.03295 322 225 78 19
438 You’re not helping my performance anxiety. 1.3600 0.03878 250 178 54 18
439 Lady, I've been heckled by some tough crowds, but this is a new low for me. 1.3593 0.03811 231 160 59 12
440 Then there's my wife...she's a real doozey...I came home and found her in bed with another book! 1.3590 0.03721 273 195 58 20
441 She said she was looking for a 'stand up guy,' but evidently I'm not what she meant. You can't trust a comparative lit major, am I right, folks? 1.3585 0.03722 265 188 59 18
442 Faulkner? No, I get it. Who's funnier than Faulkner? 1.3577 0.04043 246 179 46 21
443 I’ll mute my mic if you dim your light, dear. 1.3568 0.04237 227 166 41 20
444 With my wife i don't get no respect, I told her she should read more, she picked up a copy "Getting Divorced for Dummies" 1.3566 0.03766 286 209 52 25
445 Wait, did you say “stand up night” or “one night stand?” 1.3565 0.04086 216 153 49 14
446 Marriage is hard - each night I feel like I am auditioning all over again. 1.3556 0.03889 270 198 48 24
447 Thank you for coming to my Bed Talk. 1.3553 0.04129 228 165 45 18
448 But seriously, another headache? 1.3552 0.03816 259 186 54 19
449 Oh yes, I have a wife. She's at every performance. 1.3550 0.03747 262 187 57 18
450 Really, hon? Not even a heckle? 1.3548 0.03965 217 152 53 12
451 This next little number is called 'Remember that thing you said that one time?' 1.3544 0.03493 237 160 70 7
452 As Tom's best man, I'd like to propose a toast to the most desirable widow I've ever known. 1.3525 0.03846 244 174 54 16
453 You've been a great audience. I'll be here for two weeks . . . 1.3522 0.03909 230 163 53 14
454 Joe realizes his wife might be right, his performance in bed is a joke. 1.3520 0.03539 304 220 61 23
455 Doris dear, I have an announcement to make. 1.3519 0.03969 233 167 50 16
456 I'm here for my audition 1.3519 0.03826 233 164 56 13
457 May I book some time with you between chapters? 1.3516 0.03552 256 178 66 12
458 So I guess this isn’t open thighs night..? 1.3514 0.04668 185 136 33 16
459 It was a dark and stormy night. 1.3512 0.04227 205 147 44 14
460 Will she finish it tonight? Too close to call. 1.3510 0.03654 245 171 62 12
461 You have your routine, Pamela, and I have mine. 1.3508 0.04313 191 136 43 12
462 If somebody here owns a white Prius, you left your headlights on. 1.3507 0.04143 211 151 46 14
463 Hey, you said you wanted a stand-up guy! 1.3506 0.03564 308 225 58 25
464 I can't believe I have to open for the mailman. 1.3503 0.04543 177 127 38 12
465 This is tough crowd tonight. 1.3503 0.04098 197 138 49 10
466 So, a sheep and a sheep counter walk into a bar... 1.3500 0.03389 280 195 72 13
467 Is this marriage on? 1.3500 0.04238 200 143 44 13
468 You said you wanted oral sex 1.3500 0.04525 200 148 34 18
469 But seriously, folk. 1.3494 0.03701 249 176 59 14
470 So glad it’s a book not your phone, but I still need your attention. 1.3491 0.04127 212 152 46 14
471 That's funny, usually the brick wall is behind me. 1.3490 0.03685 255 181 59 15
472 Honey, a funny thing happened on my way to the bathroom. 1.3490 0.03600 255 179 63 13
473 My wife and I have Olympic sex. Once every four years. 1.3485 0.03917 241 174 50 17
474 Anyone here from the dining room? 1.3485 0.03960 241 175 48 18
475 I’m sorry, but lie down comedy isn’t really a thing. 1.3482 0.03719 247 175 58 14
476 Come on. Turn the audio back on. 1.3472 0.03249 288 199 78 11
477 My name is Ed, and I'm an alcoholic. 1.3471 0.03859 242 174 52 16
478 My next number goes out to unhappy men everywhere 1.3471 0.03534 242 167 66 9
479 Let me know if I’m boring you. 1.3467 0.03699 225 156 60 9
480 How was I? 1.3465 0.03873 228 162 53 13
481 I'm starting to think you're more introverted than me. 1.3465 0.03605 254 179 62 13
482 Newest version of audio books 1.3460 0.03644 263 188 59 16
483 Honey, you haven't heckled me in weeks 1.3455 0.03813 246 177 53 16
484 Am I interrupting you? 1.3454 0.04065 194 136 49 9
485 My sex life is a joke. 1.3453 0.03877 223 158 53 12
486 And then I close it with: Many thanks to my wife who endured all those rehearsals with as much support as I had tonight. 1.3452 0.03792 252 182 53 17
487 Well I see that our time is about up 1.3452 0.04088 197 139 48 10
488 Hey lady, do you always bring a book to a comedy club? 1.3451 0.04042 226 164 46 16
489 And they say doctors struggle with bedside manner. 1.3450 0.04288 200 145 41 14
490 Any married ladies in the audience who think they could have done better? 1.3445 0.04033 238 175 44 19
491 I don’t know, I think I need to stop bringing my work home with me? You know? 1.3441 0.03800 247 178 53 16
492 I thought we could relive the best part of our wedding night: my speech. 1.3439 0.04103 221 161 44 16
493 As unaccustomed as I am to public speaking in bed... 1.3438 0.03863 224 159 53 12
494 I know you’re out there. I can hear you breathing. 1.3438 0.04022 192 134 50 8
495 Mr. Maisel still thinking he can do it better 1.3438 0.04347 192 139 40 13
496 Anyone else here married? I’ve been married so long my wife expects me to do my whole routine before bed. 1.3436 0.04422 195 143 37 15
497 I'm here every Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday." 1.3430 0.03983 242 178 45 19
498 For my next trick, I'm going to take my pants off over my head. 1.3429 0.04142 210 152 44 14
499 Tonight we continue Janet’s internal monologue of self-doubt that precludes her ability to enjoy simple pleasures such as reading a novel, or sleeping soundly. This evening’s topic: why Janet’s desire to be left alone is prohibiting meaningful relationships. 1.3423 0.04137 222 163 42 17
500 Get ready…she’ll turn the page…any moment now… 1.3412 0.03755 255 185 53 17
501 I'm here all night. 1.3408 0.03816 223 158 54 11
502 I never complain when you do work in bed. 1.3408 0.03816 223 158 54 11
503 Performance in bed has always been my biggest challenge. 1.3401 0.03750 247 178 54 15
504 Warmed up yet? 1.3399 0.04177 203 147 43 13
505 I need a new agent. 1.3395 0.04123 215 157 43 15
506 Honey, I'm running out of ways to get your attention. 1.3394 0.04135 218 160 42 16
507 I hope I passed the audition. 1.3394 0.03942 221 159 49 13
508 I’m dying up here. Can I at least get a rim shot? 1.3389 0.03644 239 169 59 11
509 Do we have anyone from out-of-town in the bed? 1.3388 0.03633 245 174 59 12
510 Thank you. I'll be here all week. 1.3387 0.03781 248 180 52 16
511 What does the book say to do after the pillow talk? 1.3385 0.04338 192 140 39 13
512 That's it for tonight....You've been a great audience.... 1.3384 0.04124 198 142 45 11
513 Look Marian, you relax before bed in your way and I’ll relax in mine. 1.3384 0.04306 198 145 39 14
514 I asked for a hot Mike, not an open one. 1.3383 0.04202 201 146 42 13
515 My wife's idea of foreplay is to read a book while I tell jokes about my wife's idea of foreplay. 1.3382 0.04340 207 154 36 17
516 Too bad you can't read a room. 1.3382 0.04061 207 149 46 12
517 Ok, this time I’d rather you just fake it. 1.3380 0.04210 216 160 39 17
518 'It's Melville or me dear." 1.3379 0.03856 219 156 52 11
519 'For the second time tonight, is this thing turned on?' 1.3377 0.03956 228 166 47 15
520 I liked the honeymoon stage better. 1.3377 0.03956 228 166 47 15
521 Is anyone’s husband coming home from out of town? 1.3374 0.03962 243 180 44 19
522 Your husband said it’s open mic night. I’m Mike. 1.3374 0.04541 163 117 37 9
523 This one's for you, Betty... Are you lonesome tonight? 1.3373 0.03725 249 180 54 15
524 Now, let's bring up tonight's headliner: my divorce lawyer. 1.3368 0.04103 190 135 46 9
525 That's my time. You've been a frigid audience. 1.3368 0.04192 193 139 43 11
526 It's great to be back here in my own bedroom. 1.3365 0.03892 211 150 51 10
527 Looks like I've got a tough audience tonight. 1.3362 0.03843 229 165 51 13
528 I'm working hard to save this marriage, and you're hardly working. 1.3362 0.04138 232 174 38 20
529 Tonight I have new material, I promise. 1.3362 0.03872 235 171 49 15
530 So have you heard the one about the wife who didn't give a damn? 1.3361 0.03745 238 171 54 13
531 I'm dying up here. 1.3361 0.03806 241 175 51 15
532 You were the one who told me to find a captive audience 1.3357 0.03427 277 198 65 14
533 My wife says I make her laugh in bed. 1.3351 0.04085 191 136 46 9
534 This one's for all the lonely bookworms out there. 1.3350 0.04315 197 145 38 14
535 Are there any happy couples in the audience? 1.3350 0.04283 203 150 38 15
536 According to the actuarial tables, I'll be here every night until 2045. 1.3349 0.03934 212 152 49 11
537 I’ll be here every night. 1.3348 0.03773 221 157 54 10
538 Thanks to all those who stuck around for my final set! 1.3348 0.03913 227 165 48 14
539 And now, the winner of the Cold Shoulder award, my wife! 1.3347 0.03858 236 172 49 15
540 Strange, you heckle me anytime I do anything else for you in bed. 1.3347 0.03654 242 173 57 12
541 My wife is so ugly".....I know this is practice, but you're supposed to say "how ugly is she? 1.3333 0.03912 243 180 45 18
542 Say goodnight, Gracie. 1.3333 0.04030 213 155 45 13
543 The rules about reading in bed are going to change now that I'm Speaker of the House 1.3333 0.04467 171 124 37 10
544 There'll be a second show at eleven, so stick around. 1.3333 0.04457 180 132 36 12
545 So folks, my wife likes to read between my lines. 1.3333 0.04563 174 128 34 12
546 . . . she's rounded the final chapter and is barreling through the epilogue! 1.3319 0.03784 238 173 51 14
547 So I said to my wife, “is this thing on?” 🎤 1.3319 0.03592 238 169 59 10
548 I thought you booked me 1.3319 0.03671 235 168 56 11
549 And we lived happily ever after. Separately. 1.3318 0.03997 211 153 46 12
550 I was told the booking would be an "intimate audience experience" but I didn't expect this! 1.3317 0.04075 205 149 44 12
551 Hey, you booked me 1.3315 0.04178 184 132 43 9
552 Anyone out there in a relationship? 1.3315 0.04223 181 130 42 9
553 I’ll do my bedtime routine. 1.3315 0.04119 178 126 45 7
554 Is my routine interfering with yours? 1.3314 0.03912 169 116 50 3
555 Hey, sorry if I'm keeping you awake out there. 1.3306 0.03353 248 173 68 7
556 Look, the heckling I can take, but reading a book of jokes? 1.3305 0.03628 239 171 57 11
557 I’m just a man, standing in front of a woman, asking her to laugh at his jokes. 1.3303 0.04014 218 160 44 14
558 Speaking of sex...Is there anybody in the audience tonight who is in the mood for some? 1.3302 0.04146 212 157 40 15
559 - Has it ever happened to you? You're in bed, you're trying to read your novel but the person next to you has other plans... 1.3301 0.03961 209 151 47 11
560 I am leaving you for someone who is not in a book club. 1.3297 0.04229 185 134 41 10
561 Take my wife . . . . Please. 1.3294 0.04703 170 127 30 13
562 You're the one who asked for better stand-up performance in bed... 1.3291 0.03929 237 176 44 17
563 I'll tell the mattress store you didn't like the material or the delivery. 1.3291 0.03625 234 167 57 10
564 I see you prefer physical comedy. 1.3291 0.03725 234 169 53 12
565 But seriously, what's the deal with airline food? 1.3286 0.04383 210 160 31 19
566 You can try to ignore me if you like, but I'll be playing here all week. 1.3284 0.04140 204 150 41 13
567 Heckling by reading. That's a new one. 1.3282 0.04332 195 145 36 14
568 Regrets, I've had a few. Especially one I'd like to mention. 1.3282 0.04208 195 143 40 12
569 No book is that good! 1.3281 0.03919 192 136 49 7
570 You’re a beautiful audience and that outfit definitely didn’t make you look fat. 1.3280 0.04730 186 143 25 18
571 It was more evident than ever that Josh and Emily were drifting apart. 1.3276 0.04550 174 129 33 12
572 Come on! Am I really THAT boring in bed” 1.3271 0.03837 214 154 50 10
573 Hello? I'm performing here! 1.3269 0.04139 208 154 40 14
574 Sweetie, when I offered breakfast in bed you asked for toast! 1.3269 0.04025 208 152 44 12
575 Okay, the Jane Austen joke, not so funny. So how many Brontës did it take to screw in a lightbulb? 1.3268 0.03751 257 191 48 18
576 Read the room. 1.3268 0.03884 205 147 49 9
577 But in bed you said stand up. 1.3268 0.03613 254 185 55 14
578 I’d join you but then that would make me a lie down comedian. 1.3268 0.03613 254 185 55 14
579 You were supposed to say, “How bored is she?” . . . 1.3264 0.03716 239 174 52 13
580 I see some of you have a really short drive home. 1.3261 0.04094 184 132 44 8
581 Well, at least you could heckle me. 1.3259 0.03722 224 161 53 10
582 So, let me tell you about my day. 1.3256 0.03822 215 155 50 10
583 Have we any bored housewives in tonight? 1.3254 0.04009 209 153 44 12
584 By the way, I’m here all week. 1.3252 0.04106 206 152 41 13
585 Welcome to tonight’s guided meditation. I’ll be your host for the evening. 1.3251 0.03967 203 147 46 10
586 You don’t have to go home, but you can’t stay here. 1.3243 0.03795 222 161 50 11
587 Wow, tough crowd tonight. 1.3242 0.03937 219 161 45 13
588 I'm tired of our bedtime routine. 1.3242 0.03968 182 129 47 6
589 I actually preferred it when your heckled 1.3235 0.04130 204 151 40 13
590 I'd like to thank the Chairwoman for recognizing a junior member of the House. Ordinarily I make speeches on the floor, but the moment calls for me to rise above the ordinary, to raise my voice, and to say "This proposition has gone too far!" 1.3235 0.04627 204 160 22 22
591 Who's here from Columbus? 1.3235 0.04012 204 149 44 11
592 I'm up for a little heckling if you are. 1.3234 0.03927 201 145 47 9
593 Your husband is in the bathroom a long time. 1.3234 0.03989 201 146 45 10
594 Our marriage therapist said I needed to be more of a stand-up guy. 1.3232 0.03833 198 141 50 7
595 In conclusion, Happy Anniversary for 25 year's of devotion. 1.3232 0.04092 198 145 42 11
596 I need a better bedtime routine. 1.3228 0.04154 189 138 41 10
597 I thought you liked that I was a stand-up guy. 1.3227 0.03974 220 163 43 14
598 I read that women are attracted to men with a sense of humor. I'm here all night. 1.3227 0.03634 251 184 53 14
599 I know you're out there. I can hear the pages turning. 1.3226 0.04057 186 134 44 8
600 Despite everything, I think I’ve demonstrated that I’m still a pretty stand-up guy 1.3226 0.03793 217 157 50 10
601 ‘ Notice anything different about me , Carol ‘? 1.3226 0.03848 217 158 48 11
602 I've read the room and...never mind. 1.3224 0.04050 214 159 41 14
603 Take my wife. Please. # 1.3222 0.04143 180 130 42 8
604 No, I don’t think I keep bringing work home with me. Why do you ask? 1.3222 0.04290 180 132 38 10
605 I'll do it your-r-r-r- way! 1.3221 0.04073 208 154 41 13
606 Who’s the one underperforming now, Jen?! 1.3218 0.04235 174 126 40 8
607 I just can't seem to find a way to communicate with you. I thought I'd try this. 1.3218 0.04095 202 149 41 12
608 Didn't you say I should be more of a stand-up guy? 1.3217 0.03998 230 173 40 17
609 You did say you wanted a stand-up guy. 1.3213 0.04010 221 165 41 15
610 Your book is upside down. 1.3211 0.04202 190 140 39 11
611 Then the husband said, 'That would be more fun than reading!' 1.3209 0.04247 187 138 38 11
612 I’m leaving you. 1.3200 0.03638 250 184 52 14
613 For my next impression: The Trampoline. 1.3198 0.04569 172 129 31 12
614 Can I take my wife? Please. 1.3196 0.04140 194 143 40 11
615 Thanks for coming out tonight. I have upcoming tour locations at the couch downstairs, then my buddy’s apartment. 1.3195 0.04391 169 124 36 9
616 I just let you in to use the bathroom, Cindy.. 1.3194 0.03909 216 159 45 12
617 If it wasn't for my wife I wouldn't be here today. 1.3191 0.04021 188 136 44 8
618 You don’t have to go home, but you can’t stay here. Oh, wait… 1.3191 0.03792 235 174 47 14
619 You're a good looking crowd tonight! 1.3190 0.04096 210 157 39 14
620 Would someone from the audience -- who by the way doesn't appear to have a headache -- please volunteer to help with tonight's performance? 1.3188 0.04136 207 155 38 14
621 The guys told me I need to stand-up to my wife 1.3187 0.03670 251 186 50 15
622 I put up with your bedtime routine. 1.3186 0.03878 204 148 47 9
623 May I have your attention please. Your marriage leaves in an hour. 1.3185 0.04522 157 115 34 8
624 I'm trying to picture you naked. 1.3184 0.04149 179 130 41 8
625 The best I can offer is a 5.5% increase in your quiet reading time tonight, with a 3% increase for the next two weeks, and a retroactive bonus of 4% to compensate for the lack of quiet reading time since World Cup began and I broke the other TV by throwing my shoe at it when the US beat Iran. 1.3184 0.04221 201 151 36 14
626 Women! Am I right?! 1.3184 0.03771 223 163 49 11
627 And in our featured event this evening, Pam forgets I even exist. 1.3182 0.03694 220 159 52 9
628 First, I'd like to thank my booking agent. 1.3182 0.04090 154 108 43 3
629 I don't think this is what the book means by experimenting with standing up. 1.3180 0.04159 217 165 35 17
630 I know you’re out there, I can hear you reading. 1.3180 0.04002 217 162 41 14
631 I have to say, it’s especially hurtful that you’re reading a joke book. 1.3179 0.04547 173 130 31 12
632 At least you didn’t fall asleep during my act. 1.3177 0.03752 192 136 51 5
633 Read any good books lately? 1.3176 0.03795 255 193 43 19
634 As per usual, my five minutes is almost up. 1.3176 0.04289 170 124 38 8
635 You'll laugh at this one. Take my wife . . . Please! 1.3175 0.04341 189 142 34 13
636 ...but seriously folks I get no respect from audiences. Half the time when I visit them in sleep paralysis they don't even scream. Tonight we've even got a lady reading in the front row! 1.3174 0.04421 167 123 35 9
637 Maybe “makes me laugh” shouldn’t be that high on your tinder profile. 1.3174 0.04421 167 123 35 9
638 Okay, so we're working a hard crowd tonight... 1.3172 0.03672 227 165 52 10
639 Am I boring you? 1.3168 0.03962 202 148 44 10
640 So Elizabeth Bennet, Mr. Darcy, and a duck go into a bar . . . 1.3167 0.04420 180 135 33 12
641 I'll be here all night. 1.3166 0.04000 199 146 43 10
642 You’re newly single? 1.3165 0.03519 237 171 57 9
643 Your part is labeled "Audience" and most of the lines are "Ha-Ha-Ha-Ha-Ha" and the like. 1.3164 0.04817 177 138 22 17
644 The author will now read from her best seller, ‘My Husband is Delusional.” 1.3163 0.04291 196 148 34 14
645 Do you remember telling me you were first attracted to me because of my sense of humour? 1.3161 0.04298 174 128 37 9
646 You don't heckle me like you used to. 1.3161 0.04014 193 141 43 9
647 Anyone else here from my bedroom? 1.3161 0.03589 193 135 55 3
648 Audiobooks proudly presents, I Did It My Way, read by the author. 1.3160 0.03927 231 174 41 16
649 I know you people are out there,I can hear you reading. 1.3158 0.03871 209 153 46 10
650 Gerald’s concession speech went largely unnoticed. 1.3155 0.04235 187 139 37 11
651 Would it help if I put on the cowboy hat? 1.3155 0.04148 168 121 41 6
652 Honey,we have to leave in 15 minutes. 1.3153 0.04006 203 150 42 11
653 Must be a real page-turner, eh? 1.3152 0.03994 184 133 44 7
654 Jenny loved Charlie, but his performance in the bedroom was really starting to bore her. 1.3152 0.03809 257 196 41 20
655 And the award for World's Most Boring Wife goes to... 1.3152 0.04533 165 123 32 10
656 Okaaay. Do we have any bookworms here tonight? 1.3152 0.04282 165 120 38 7
657 The winner of the Book Of The Month Club’s Night Owl award is…..” 1.3151 0.03697 219 159 51 9
658 Listening to me is the equivalent of 8 mg of melatonin. 1.3150 0.03675 254 190 48 16
659 You know, I got a standing ovation in Room 314. 1.3148 0.04673 162 122 29 11
660 She was hoping for more than a 5 minute set. 1.3147 0.04150 197 147 38 12
661 Who out there in the audience tonight agrees that marriage is difficult? 1.3147 0.03615 232 169 53 10
662 Sinatra in Hell. 1.3146 0.04378 178 133 34 11
663 Thanks! I'll be here all week, or until your husband comes back. 1.3145 0.04102 159 113 42 4
664 Let's get ready to slummmber! 1.3144 0.03861 194 140 47 7
665 And on page 157, Colleen Hoover says, ‘Have sex with your husband.’ 1.3144 0.04318 194 147 33 14
666 Can I have your attention dear? 1.3144 0.03997 194 142 43 9
667 Any requests? 1.3143 0.04121 175 127 41 7
668 If I can pull you away from Jessi Klein's "You'll Get Over it"... 1.3143 0.04200 175 128 39 8
669 Husband tries to make the most out of his wife thinking he is a joke in bed. 1.3143 0.04354 175 130 35 10
670 If you cared you would at least heckle me. 1.3140 0.03707 207 149 51 7
671 I promise, it's harder than it looks 1.3140 0.03892 207 152 45 10
672 Oh, you meant book club, not club booking. 1.3140 0.04247 172 126 38 8
673 They say the third wife's a charm. 1.3138 0.04216 188 140 37 11
674 But enough about me.... 1.3137 0.04771 153 115 28 10
675 Shut Up and Come to Bed"? I don't think I know that one 1.3137 0.04587 153 113 32 8
676 Doris, have you heard the one about the lonely husband with no career and no sex life? 1.3135 0.04330 185 139 34 12
677 You really take heckling to the next level. 1.3134 0.03772 217 159 48 10
678 Sometimes I just need to be heard. 1.3132 0.04092 182 133 41 8
679 ‘Dear Diary, Will still suffers from Premature Jocularity …’ 1.3131 0.03919 214 159 43 12
680 I will stop drinking and dump the microphone if you stop reading in bed. 1.3129 0.04221 163 118 39 6
681 Why’d you make me do this if you’re just going to read? 1.3128 0.03819 179 127 48 4
682 Cum here often? 1.3125 0.04407 176 132 33 11
683 If you don’t stop reading, I’ll sing. 1.3125 0.04552 176 134 29 13
684 Anyone in the crowd burn the meatloaf tonight? 1.3122 0.04060 189 139 41 9
685 You've heard that one before, too? 1.3119 0.03868 218 162 44 12
686 Read the room, Lady. 1.3119 0.03758 202 146 49 7
687 Honey, will you adjust the light towards me? 1.3118 0.04031 186 136 42 8
688 ...and the wisdom to know the difference. 1.3118 0.04108 170 123 41 6
689 I see I have lost my audience. 1.3116 0.03657 199 142 52 5
690 This next song is dedicated to my vaguely dissatisfied wife. 1.3113 0.03766 212 155 48 9
691 She’s almost there…one more page…one more paragraph…you can cut the tension with a knife. 1.3113 0.04371 212 166 26 20
692 As Claire finished her novel, she realized the one character who spoke to her most was a stand-up comedian named Mel. 1.3110 0.03978 209 156 41 12
693 Bit of a tough crowd tonight. . . 1.3110 0.04109 164 118 41 5
694 Paging Mrs Dimwiddle. Your yearly conjugal appointment is due. 1.3108 0.04968 148 113 24 11
695 I thought we could try a new routine. 1.3107 0.03839 177 126 47 4
696 You in the front row, where are you from? 1.3106 0.03448 264 195 56 13
697 f you make it here, you can make it anywhere. 1.3105 0.04309 190 144 33 13
698 Are you sure that this is the best way to record the audiobook? 1.3105 0.04111 190 141 39 10
699 I think I need to have a hard conversation with my Agent after this gig 1.3105 0.04244 190 143 35 12
700 I guess I'll be doing the act alone tonight. 1.3105 0.04178 190 142 37 11
701 This is a tough room to read. But, seriously folks.... 1.3105 0.03960 219 165 40 14
702 Live from New York--it's Saturday Night! 1.3103 0.04944 145 110 25 10
703 It's called compromise. I get to do stand up and you get to do lie down. 1.3102 0.03719 216 158 49 9
704 Thanks, honey, I'll be here all week. 1.3102 0.04084 187 138 40 9
705 Live from Newark it’s Saturday night! 1.3099 0.04253 171 126 37 8
706 But you said you wanted a one night stand… 1.3096 0.03946 197 145 43 9
707 I'm here all week...or until you divorce me. 1.3095 0.03845 210 155 45 10
708 “Hi, how are you doing tonight? You doing good? My name is Mel, and believe it or not, this is my very first time as a sexual fantasy.” 1.3095 0.04543 168 127 30 11
709 Tell me if you’ve ignored this one … 1.3095 0.03845 210 155 45 10
710 And now, ladies and gentlemen, turning the page...she finally starts to understand the plot. 1.3094 0.04244 181 135 36 10
711 This book is brought to you by the humor-impaired. 1.3091 0.04266 165 121 37 7
712 I hope you like this performance better than the last one. 1.3089 0.04159 191 143 37 11
713 Hello…hello…is this mic on? 1.3089 0.03813 191 138 47 6
714 The therapist said I should perform for you… 1.3088 0.03792 204 149 47 8
715 I don’t think you’re hearing me. 1.3085 0.04017 201 150 40 11
716 You probably shouldn’t start the evening with great expectations. 1.3084 0.03795 214 158 46 10
717 Let me know when you get to the part about a sexy comedian 1.3082 0.04718 146 109 29 8
718 I told you in my profile that I'm a stand-up guy 1.3082 0.04274 159 116 37 6
719 I’m so glad we have these little moments together. 1.3081 0.04232 172 127 37 8
720 I’ve been waiting years to give my BED Talk! 1.3081 0.04466 172 130 31 11
721 Tough room… and marriage. 1.3081 0.04036 185 136 41 8
722 So a priest, a rabbi, and a failing marriage walk into a bar… 1.3081 0.04362 198 153 29 16
723 Exactly how many sound effects does this book have? 1.3080 0.03790 224 167 45 12
724 I’ll be here all night. I think. 1.3080 0.03601 237 175 51 11
725 But you ordered an audio book! 1.3077 0.04041 208 157 38 13
726 And the lady here, in the front row, can you tell us how your day was? 1.3077 0.03769 221 164 46 11
727 Last time I do a set at The Book Club. 1.3073 0.04270 179 134 35 10
728 Don't mind me, I'll be here all week. 1.3069 0.03938 202 150 42 10
729 Yes, I'm the narrator, and I really wish I could be the hero in this one. 1.3067 0.04629 150 112 30 8
730 You did say I need to perform better in the bedroom. 1.3066 0.04151 212 163 33 16
731 Would it help if I get a band? 1.3064 0.03964 173 125 43 5
732 You were laughing a minute ago when my clothes were off. 1.3062 0.04252 160 117 37 6
733 Ask your doctor if a stand-up comic is right for you. 1.3062 0.04607 160 121 29 10
734 Oh. So this isn't what you meant when you told me I needed to work on my performance in bed? 1.3062 0.03967 209 157 40 12
735 How about you up front. Have you read any good books lately? 1.3060 0.03908 183 133 44 6
736 Ever notice how some husbands need more attention than they're currently getting? 1.3059 0.04005 170 123 42 5
737 I’m getting out of your dream and going down to the bar. 1.3057 0.03921 193 142 43 8
738 Can you hear me in the back? 1.3056 0.04176 180 134 37 9
739 I'd like to propose a toast to my wife, who won't let me have a t.v. in the bedroom because it's too distracting. 1.3054 0.04307 167 124 35 8
740 And now I'll beg forgiveness in a classic song by Willie Nelson. 1.3054 0.03958 167 120 43 4
741 You used to be able to read me like a book. 1.3053 0.04710 131 96 30 5
742 Jeez, even a little heckling would be appreciated. 1.3050 0.03697 200 145 49 6
743 Knock, knock. 1.3049 0.03686 223 165 48 10
744 I suppose this means you're not interested in a one-night stand-up. 1.3048 0.04538 187 146 25 16
745 You said you wanted to meet a man with a sense of humor. 1.3048 0.03892 210 157 42 11
746 I tell you, I get no respect! 1.3046 0.04791 151 115 26 10
747 You can ignore me, but I get paid either way. 1.3046 0.03730 197 143 48 6
748 Is this turned on? 1.3043 0.04104 207 158 35 14
749 When you come to part where he screams with orgasmic joy, that's where I come in. 1.3043 0.03397 253 186 57 10
750 Is this thing working? 1.3043 0.03929 207 155 41 11
751 In case you're interested, I'm coming to bed now." 1.3043 0.03890 184 134 44 6
752 “I'm just warming up the dog's spot.” 1.3043 0.04255 184 139 34 11
753 And then I told her : “Divorce? Wouldn’t that mean one of us has to take the kids?” 1.3041 0.04104 194 146 37 11
754 Hamlet is a tough act to follow. 1.3041 0.04038 194 145 39 10
755 Honey, it's my turn to use the spotlight. 1.3039 0.03603 181 128 51 2
756 I'm tired of putting on this act. I want a divorce. 1.3038 0.04463 158 118 32 8
757 I'll be here all week whether you ignore me or not. 1.3037 0.03726 191 138 48 5
758 If you refer to pg 19, clause 12 of the evening protocol agreement, you will see that reading does not count as foreplay." 1.3034 0.04202 178 133 36 9
759 O.K., I know what you're thinking, 'Just how funny can a dysfunctional, loveless marriage be?' 1.3034 0.04202 178 133 36 9
760 So, you from out-of-town? 1.3034 0.03968 178 130 42 6
761 So, this stand-up comedian walks into a bedroom… 1.3034 0.04125 178 132 38 8
762 you’re funnier under the sheets 1.3032 0.04330 155 114 35 6
763 Hi, I'm running for president...may I have a minute of your time? 1.3030 0.04583 165 126 28 11
764 Why are you upset? I told you I was a stand-up guy. 1.3030 0.03783 198 145 46 7
765 ...And my wife says I don't notice her. 1.3029 0.03792 208 154 45 9
766 Am I going to be here all night? 1.3029 0.03972 208 157 39 12
767 So, a priest, a rabbi and an unfaithful husband walk into a bar... 1.3027 0.04021 185 137 40 8
768 Did I mention I'll be here all week? 1.3027 0.04021 185 137 40 8
769 So ... did you ever notice how reading a book is a lot like sex? 1.3026 0.04086 195 147 37 11
770 You usually laugh when we’re in the bedroom. 1.3025 0.03478 238 175 54 9
771 ... in conclusion, while we ran a tough campaign, in the end we couldn't compete with the romance novel. 1.3025 0.04386 162 121 33 8
772 I need a better agent 1.3024 0.04069 205 156 36 13
773 Excuse me, but the spotlight should really be on me. 1.3023 0.04135 172 127 38 7
774 I'm in the mood for love" 1.3023 0.04135 172 127 38 7
775 They call me a sleeper hit. 1.3022 0.04063 182 135 39 8
776 Something tells me I'm not killing it tonight. 1.3021 0.04258 192 147 32 13
777 Can't we just go back to pillow talk? 1.3020 0.04437 149 110 33 6
778 Take your time. I'm here all night. 1.3018 0.04180 169 125 37 7
779 At least I sold out the bathroom last night 1.3018 0.04345 169 127 33 9
780 My wife used to enjoy sets every night. 1.3017 0.04029 179 132 40 7
781 I've got no plans after my second show 1.3017 0.03950 179 131 42 6
782 But it’s open mic night! 1.3014 0.04699 146 110 28 8
783 And you said I take myself too seriously. 1.3014 0.04699 146 110 28 8
784 I’m not talking down to you, I swear. 1.3013 0.04675 156 119 27 10
785 A funny thing happened to me on the way here. 1.3012 0.04396 166 125 32 9
786 Do we have anyone here from the living room? 1.3011 0.04378 176 134 31 11
787 Well thanks again for staying in tonight folks, and don't forget to use those bookmarks before passing out. 1.3011 0.04075 186 139 38 9
788 Is it the content or delivery? 1.3008 0.04526 133 97 32 4
789 I'm afraid that glass of water doesn't count towards the two drink minimum. 1.3007 0.04763 143 108 27 8
790 So a guy walks into a bed... 1.3006 0.04195 173 129 36 8
791 This wouldn't seem so bad if you weren't reading a Joke Book... 1.3005 0.04400 183 141 29 13
792 What is that, Proust? Tough crowd. 1.3005 0.03815 183 133 45 5
793 Picture your audience as naked works for me. 1.3005 0.04043 193 145 38 10
794 That was a tough act to follow. 1.3005 0.03976 193 144 40 9
795 Our next guest is one you'll never forget. 1.3000 0.04015 190 142 39 9
796 I’m Mr Sandman and I will be back tomorrow night in my usual slot. 1.3000 0.03638 210 154 49 7
797 Honey, a little inspiration here wouldn't hurt. 1.3000 0.03988 170 124 41 5
798 On the bright side, I did not give up my day job this week. 1.3000 0.03883 200 149 42 9
799 It's nice to read a book which really speaks to you 1.3000 0.04235 180 136 34 10
800 You've been a lovely audience tonight, now let's give it up for your husband. 1.2996 0.03684 227 170 46 11
801 Geez...tough crowd tonite. 1.2995 0.04206 207 161 30 16
802 Tough crowd. 1.2995 0.03853 197 146 43 8
803 So, anyone from out of town here tonight? 1.2995 0.04056 187 140 38 9
804 I’m getting the feeling that you don’t enjoy my performance in the bedroom. 1.2994 0.04282 177 134 33 10
805 Honey, a funny thing happened on my way home... 1.2994 0.03940 167 121 42 4
806 Let’s all raise a glass to indifference. 1.2994 0.04206 167 124 36 7
807 I just returned from a great trip. I took your mother to the airport.” 1.2993 0.05114 137 106 21 10
808 [Why does this need a caption? It's just so damn funny!] 1.2991 0.03822 224 170 41 13
809 This is the toughest room I’ve ever played. I don’t even have a joke for that. 1.2991 0.03593 214 157 50 7
810 Could I please have your attention? 1.2990 0.03958 194 145 40 9
811 Once upon a time you would have been all over my 'stand-up' performance in bed 1.2990 0.03890 194 144 42 8
812 Let me tell you the story of a brave man who didn’t feel validated at home. 1.2990 0.04025 194 146 38 10
813 And another thing that upsets me about Trump……… 1.2989 0.04025 184 137 39 8
814 My next number is for all the girls I've loved before. 1.2989 0.04012 174 128 40 6
815 How many people in the audience are married? 1.2988 0.04253 164 122 35 7
816 Hey, this thing is turned on? 1.2984 0.04578 124 90 31 3
817 Glad to be here in the bedroom tonight. Anyone feeling as excited as I am? 1.2983 0.04358 181 139 30 12
818 What happened to the other fern? 1.2983 0.04215 181 137 34 10
819 Can I have some participation from the audience? 1.2983 0.03991 181 134 40 7
820 If you didn't want to hear it you shouldn't have sat in the front row. 1.2982 0.04221 171 128 35 8
821 So...anyone read any good books lately? 1.2981 0.04076 208 160 34 14
822 I hope that’s a short story. 1.2978 0.04032 178 132 39 7
823 Chapter Sixteen: His ill-fitting sportscoat fell from his shoulders like he'd just arrived in the nightclub from a gray rain, as he stood behind a narrow microphone stand, unsure of his audience, unsure if he was yet again the butt of the joke. 1.2973 0.04491 185 145 25 15
824 I'll be here every week.....for the rest of your life. 1.2970 0.04567 165 127 27 11
825 I'm using the trick where I imagine my audience fully clothed. 1.2967 0.03972 182 135 40 7
826 Take my wife...and her iambic pentameter...please. 1.2967 0.04048 182 136 38 8
827 Good evening, may I have your attention please. 1.2967 0.03972 182 135 40 7
828 Yes, in fact I WILL be here all week. 1.2966 0.04390 145 107 33 5
829 You know that I already have performance anxiety?! 1.2965 0.03949 172 126 41 5
830 Just saying…I’m going to need a stiffer drink if you keep choosing this genre of audiobooks! 1.2963 0.04456 162 123 30 9
831 When I said I like to be humiliated in bed this isn't what I meant 1.2963 0.04787 162 127 22 13
832 ...and I'll be your AirBnB host for this evening. 1.2963 0.03856 216 164 40 12
833 A headline spot just opened up on the couch. 1.2963 0.04456 162 123 30 9
834 And THIS, ladies and gentlemen, is apparently 'Sorry, honey, I have a headache' in action. 1.2961 0.04013 179 133 39 7
835 So a priest, a minister, and a rabbi walk into this bar... 1.2961 0.04090 179 134 37 8
836 So, anyone else out there thinking of trying one of those dating aps? 1.2961 0.04013 179 133 39 7
837 This is my first time doing stood up 1.2961 0.04166 179 135 35 9
838 So, are you from out of town? 1.2958 0.04332 142 104 34 4
839 Stop me if you've heard this one. 1.2957 0.03915 186 138 41 7
840 Have you tried audiobooks? 1.2956 0.04045 159 116 39 4
841 This audio book is narrated by your husband,Bill. 1.2956 0.04684 159 123 25 11
842 So honey, see, then,for the joke to work you have to say, "How fat is she?" No? 1.2955 0.04437 176 136 28 12
843 But you told me that comedy was sexy. 1.2948 0.04259 173 131 33 9
844 So then I said “Dickens? Not on a Tuesday night, I’ve had a long day.” 1.2947 0.04205 190 146 32 12
845 Thank you for selecting the live option available with your premium subscription. Chapter One… 1.2947 0.03965 207 158 37 12
846 Thank you. So who's here from out of town? 1.2946 0.05092 129 99 22 8
847 It's great to finally be back in the bedroom...or as my wife calls it, the ''keep your hands to yourself' room. 1.2944 0.03875 214 163 39 12
848 It's okay. I'll be here all night. 1.2941 0.04681 136 102 28 6
849 Hey, any out-of-towners here tonight? 1.2941 0.04142 170 127 36 7
850 For my next divorce, I’ll need a volunteer. 1.2941 0.04225 170 128 34 8
851 You could at least try heckling me. 1.2938 0.03807 194 144 43 7
852 Our counselor said I should try to create more laughter in our marriage. 1.2938 0.04035 177 132 38 7
853 Hey, I'll be here all week. You? 1.2937 0.04397 160 121 31 8
854 Please hold your applause until after the late show. 1.2937 0.04024 160 117 39 4
855 Well I'm tired of you bringing your work home too. 1.2937 0.04742 143 109 26 8
856 Honey, I m not really sure this roleplay is working for me anymore. 1.2935 0.04156 184 140 34 10
857 So go ahead, heckle me. 1.2935 0.03621 184 133 48 3
858 Do you still think I’m exaggerating about not having your attention? 1.2935 0.04156 184 140 34 10
859 I'm resigning to spend more time with my family. 1.2933 0.04781 150 116 24 10
860 Diane was not impressed with Harold’s less than stellar performance in bed. 1.2933 0.04177 208 163 29 16
861 At least you used to heckle me. 1.2932 0.03914 191 143 40 8
862 My next line, please.. 1.2932 0.03544 191 138 50 3
863 This one’s for all the fellas. 1.2932 0.04251 191 148 30 13
864 You draw the line at faking a laugh? 1.2931 0.04391 174 134 29 11
865 And don't get me started on my wife's steamy fetishes. 1.2930 0.04025 215 167 33 15
866 I just thought if I'm going to get laughs in bed, I'd rather they be intentional. 1.2929 0.05018 140 109 21 10
867 And this next song is for anyone out there who's given up on marriage. 1.2927 0.04055 164 121 38 5
868 Regrets I have had a few, but too few to mention. 1.2926 0.03952 188 141 39 8
869 It was a tough room to read 1.2926 0.04023 188 142 37 9
870 You’re ignoring my needs again. 1.2926 0.03952 188 141 39 8
871 Bill never forgot to thank his wife in in speeches again… 1.2925 0.04340 147 109 33 5
872 You can ignore me if you want, I'm here all week. 1.2925 0.03719 212 159 44 9
873 How's everybody doing? So, I'm having relationship problems... 1.2923 0.03927 195 147 39 9
874 Welcome to my BED Talk. 1.2922 0.04506 154 117 29 8
875 Was I supposed to take my shoes off? 1.2922 0.04314 154 115 33 6
876 And next I'd like to sing all the hits from 1940 to the present. 1.2921 0.04393 178 138 28 12
877 Now for some Bar room humor: This drink is called Marriage on the Rocks. 1.2919 0.04462 161 123 29 9
878 Hey, it's great to be here in Portland. Who here is from Portland? Put your hands together and let's hear it for Portland! 1.2919 0.04065 185 140 36 9
879 And worst of all, that's my book she's reading. 1.2919 0.03842 185 137 42 6
880 Here's a joke for you - my sex life 1.2917 0.04251 168 127 33 8
881 And don't get me started on my wife. 1.2915 0.03739 199 148 44 7
882 Amazing. My best routine and not even a nod. 1.2915 0.03938 199 151 38 10
883 Geez, I hope you don't book me again next week. 1.2914 0.04138 175 132 35 8
884 Hey, I see Judy in the front row. Judy come on up and say hi to your Mom 1.2914 0.04370 175 135 29 11
885 Unaccustomed as I am to public speaking. . . 1.2914 0.04466 151 114 30 7
886 It has been my pleasure to entertain you tonight. I'm here all week. 1.2912 0.03879 182 135 41 6
887 Is this not what you meant by, “more performance in the bedroom”? 1.2911 0.04427 158 120 30 8
888 Even with the addition of whiskey and microphone, Barry's performance in the bedroom was still lacking. 1.2911 0.04605 158 122 26 10
889 It’s hard to get your attention these days. 1.2910 0.04472 134 99 31 4
890 I hope I'm not keeping you up. 1.2909 0.04300 165 125 32 8
891 I think we’re going to have to reach an agreement on the definition of a fun evening. 1.2909 0.04300 165 125 32 8
892 And now, a word from the patriarchy. 1.2909 0.04385 165 126 30 9
893 Maybe I should just throw this drink at her and see what happens. 1.2908 0.04449 141 105 31 5
894 And for my next number, “You’ve Lost That Lovin Feeling”. 1.2907 0.04343 172 132 30 10
895 OK, maybe you’d prefer one of the other nine ways to spice up a marriage. 1.2907 0.04101 172 129 36 7
896 Now for my monologue. 1.2905 0.04315 148 110 33 5
897 My agent said I'd be working a "small room", but I had no idea... 1.2905 0.04074 179 135 36 8
898 Doug always brought big mic energy to the bedroom. 1.2903 0.04117 186 142 34 10
899 I believe in miracles, where you from, you sexy thing. 1.2901 0.04350 162 123 31 8
900 You, with the book... Where ya from? 1.2901 0.04607 162 126 25 11
901 So, where you from, what do you do? 1.2900 0.04047 200 154 34 12
902 Can you hear me now? 1.2896 0.03861 183 136 41 6
903 Don't get me started about performance anxiety. 1.2896 0.03938 183 137 39 7
904 Is that a 'No' to my proposal? 1.2895 0.04726 152 118 24 10
905 I like a woman who's a maid in the living room, a cook in the kitchen and a tough crowd in the bedroom. 1.2895 0.04322 190 149 27 14
906 I said I was sorry, but now I'm starting to think you were being sarcastic about the public apology. 1.2895 0.04136 152 112 36 4
907 I was at home last night and it didn't go over any better. 1.2895 0.04342 152 114 32 6
908 When Sally was totally engrossed in a book, nothing could distract her. 1.2895 0.04342 152 114 32 6
909 Em didn't like the voice in her head, so she got a replacement 1.2895 0.04441 152 115 30 7
910 You ever notice there's a man doing standup on your bed? 1.2893 0.04150 197 153 31 13
911 I can't find my slippers 1.2893 0.04024 197 151 35 11
912 So, how did you like my first set? 1.2889 0.03978 180 135 38 7
913 I’m trying out something new in bed tonight. 1.2887 0.03930 194 147 38 9
914 Take my wife’s book ... please! 1.2886 0.04694 149 115 25 9
915 My next number is dedicated to my wife who reads between the covers 1.2886 0.04183 149 110 35 4
916 Are you sure you don’t want to heckle” 1.2885 0.04169 156 116 35 5
917 I'm the new Kindle and I'll do any voice you want. 1.2883 0.04327 163 124 31 8
918 How do I turn this on? 1.2880 0.04141 184 141 33 10
919 Tell me if you've heard this one — a guy walks into a bar and says, "My wife never pays attention to me anymore." 1.2880 0.05183 125 97 20 8
920 After 20 years of marriage, Jerry asked for a “one night stand…” 1.2880 0.04927 125 95 24 6
921 Frankly, folks, even the greatest have to start out playing the smaller venues. 1.2877 0.04555 146 111 28 7
922 Would it help if I used one of Carlin's seven dirty words? 1.2876 0.03556 226 170 47 9
923 Hey folks! How you all doin'? Take my wife! She goes to sleep with Shakespeare and wakes up with Longfellow! 1.2876 0.04606 153 118 26 9
924 I'm sorry, but I was only joking. 1.2875 0.04100 160 119 36 5
925 Reader? I hardly know her. 1.2875 0.04288 160 121 32 7
926 This next song is going out to my wife who's laying in bed trying to go to sleep. 1.2874 0.04082 167 125 36 6
927 I'm going to skip the mother-in-law jokes tonight 1.2874 0.03902 167 123 40 4
928 Thank you, I’ll be here all week, and then of course until death do us part 1.2874 0.04525 174 137 24 13
929 She reads I drink The microwave beeps its mournful song 1.2874 0.04221 174 133 32 9
930 I thought you wanted to try some role play in the bedroom? 1.2871 0.03556 202 149 48 5
931 You've been a great audience . I will be performing in the kitchen on the 15th. 1.2869 0.04725 122 91 27 4
932 Tonight I announce my candidacy for a quickie, sometime between now and 7am tomorrow. 1.2868 0.04772 136 104 25 7
933 Standup is not the only thing that’s hard. 1.2867 0.04720 143 110 25 8
934 Can we talk? 1.2867 0.04160 150 111 35 4
935 So I got a new bedtime routine… 1.2866 0.04046 157 116 37 4
936 And so closes another chapter of my life between the covers. 1.2866 0.04523 157 121 27 9
937 Susan, the therapist said I have to stick to my own nighttime routine. 1.2866 0.04146 157 117 35 5
938 That was the climax of the show. 1.2866 0.04304 164 125 31 8
939 Shout out to New Jersey. Anyone here from New Jersey? 1.2866 0.04127 164 123 35 6
940 When will the TV be fixed? 1.2866 0.04035 164 122 37 5
941 I’m here all book. 1.2866 0.04127 164 123 35 6
942 It's great to allowed back in tonight. 1.2865 0.03999 178 134 37 7
943 Good evening, listeners. Tonight I'm reporting to you from a very sad scene in my own home... 1.2865 0.03919 178 133 39 6
944 Hello…Is it me you’re looking for? 1.2865 0.03919 178 133 39 6
945 And now, my sleep number. 1.2864 0.03725 199 149 43 7
946 Take my wife... please. 1.2857 0.04092 196 152 32 12
947 What's the deal with books? 1.2857 0.03958 175 131 38 6
948 For this next part of my routine I'm going to need a volunteer from the audience. 1.2857 0.04317 168 129 30 9
949 Pssssssst, tell me if I am standing on your feet. 1.2857 0.04193 154 115 34 5
950 This venue is a bit sleepier than my agent let on. 1.2857 0.04028 196 151 34 11
951 So I sez to the Doc...'Doc, my wife keeps ignoring me when we're in bed, is it me?' and the doc sez... 1.2857 0.03773 189 141 42 6
952 Good evening, lady with germs. 1.2857 0.03882 168 124 40 4
953 Time for some new material! 1.2857 0.04016 182 138 36 8
954 I think the spotlight should be on me, don’t you? 1.2857 0.04196 189 147 30 12
955 Susanne hated standup and as she nervously thumbed through her owner’s manual she realized her sexbot’s 3-month warranty had just expired. 1.2857 0.04479 168 131 26 11
956 Hi, this is your late night anxiety speaking 1.2857 0.03846 189 142 40 7
957 Tough crowd, huh? 1.2850 0.03641 200 149 45 6
958 Let's start from the top. 1.2849 0.03980 179 135 37 7
959 Susan and I are overwhelmed with feelings of anticipation and hope, as we begin this new chapter. 1.2848 0.04282 165 126 31 8
960 Have you heard the one about the middle-aged loser who’s desperate for attention? 1.2848 0.04445 151 115 29 7
961 And now for my final number, “Strangers in the Night”. 1.2847 0.04742 137 105 25 7
962 You've always said my standup puts you to sleep. 1.2844 0.03631 218 165 44 9
963 I'd also like to thank my wife who has furthered my career with her incredible ability to ignore me. 1.2843 0.03673 197 147 44 6
964 We used to role-play in the bedroom a lot. Your favorite game was "Handsome Librarian!” Which is where I'm not allowed to talk and you read a book 1.2842 0.04072 183 140 34 9
965 If you put down that book I can show you how to save on your car insurance. 1.2840 0.04332 162 124 30 8
966 I said I was sorry. 1.2838 0.04292 148 111 32 5
967 Still unconvinced I'm a stand-up guy? 1.2838 0.04184 148 110 34 4
968 Comforter, I barely know her 1.2837 0.04425 141 106 30 5
969 Anyone here from Ohio? 1.2837 0.04965 141 111 20 10
970 Nothing like a little white noise before bed, am I right? 1.2836 0.04570 134 101 28 5
971 Tell me again what doctor prescribed stand up comedy to help you sleep. 1.2835 0.04730 127 96 26 5
972 Let me entertain you...... 1.2834 0.04083 187 144 33 10
973 .....and as I face the final curtain ".Well that didn't work. How about " ain't to proud to beg? 1.2834 0.04012 187 143 35 9
974 You’ve been a great audience tonight! 1.2832 0.03894 173 129 39 5
975 I'll be here all week, so . . . maybe you can find a good place to stop. 1.2831 0.04509 166 130 25 11
976 I am now running for orifice 1.2831 0.04084 166 125 35 6
977 I thought you liked audiobooks. 1.2831 0.03807 166 122 41 3
978 So, is anyone here from this bedroom? 1.2826 0.03748 184 137 42 5
979 I'll be here all weekend. 1.2825 0.04159 177 136 32 9
980 I think you're taking the silent treatment thing a bit too far. 1.2825 0.03838 177 132 40 5
981 Performance anxiety, anyone here ever had that? 1.2825 0.04081 177 135 34 8
982 …And that’s my time. Thanks folks, I hope you enjoyed the show. You can see me next Thursday and Friday at the Silverstein’s in 17F. 1.2824 0.04758 131 100 25 6
983 Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight sad and lonely hearts…” 1.2824 0.04190 170 130 32 8
984 So well crafted", she thinks, "I can actually hear the character's voice" 1.2824 0.04106 170 129 34 7
985 Let me know if you've heard this one before. 1.2824 0.03844 170 126 40 4
986 Apparently it wasn't just Rodney who got no respect 1.2822 0.04309 163 125 30 8
987 Betty experiences the beta version of a talking book app that went nowhere 1.2819 0.04268 149 112 32 5
988 Is it something I said? 1.2819 0.04160 149 111 34 4
989 At least the hecklers pay attention to the set 1.2819 0.04268 149 112 32 5
990 You see I can perform in bed, can’t I now? 1.2816 0.04043 174 132 35 7
991 First, I want you to heckle this naughty boy. 1.2816 0.04043 174 132 35 7
992 Tell me if you've heard this one before." 1.2816 0.03788 174 129 41 4
993 your profile said GSOH but you haven’t laughed once. 1.2816 0.03875 174 130 39 5
994 and she said: "you are a joke in the bed" 1.2816 0.04282 174 135 29 10
995 I'm taking requests tonight. 1.2816 0.03821 206 158 38 10
996 I'd like to call your attention to the need for a mood enhancer. 1.2815 0.04778 135 104 24 7
997 We observational comics are a lonely bunch. 1.2815 0.04418 135 101 30 4
998 After 35 years Alice finally turned the tables on Bill and his selective hearing; things escalated quickly 1.2814 0.04322 167 129 29 9
999 I like an educated audience. 1.2812 0.03882 160 118 39 3
1000 Great to be here at Bob and Bab's bedroom tonight! Hey, guys! Anyone ever get married to your soulmate, only to find out that she suddenly finds you repulsive? Show of hands! 1.2812 0.04359 160 123 29 8
1001 I’ll be doing all next week on the couch. 1.2811 0.03731 185 138 42 5
1002 Well ladies did you hear the one about the couple who had sex once a year? 1.2810 0.04491 153 118 27 8
1003 Let me know if you've heard this one. 1.2808 0.04427 146 111 29 6
1004 I’ll be here all week. 1.2807 0.03825 171 127 40 4
1005 I've had a lot of requests, but I'm going to sing anyway. 1.2805 0.04286 164 126 30 8
1006 Honey, do I really have to introduce the next act? 1.2804 0.03903 189 144 37 8
1007 I would thank you for coming, but... 1.2803 0.04965 132 103 21 8
1008 Thank you. I'm your husband and I'll be here every night this week 1.2803 0.04318 157 120 30 7
1009 Good evening, and welcome to your audio book. 1.2803 0.04318 157 120 30 7
1010 Since you’re not listening anyway, I set your favorite carpet on fire and hid it in the backyard. And that haircut makes you look old. 1.2803 0.04503 157 122 26 9
1011 And now, ladies and gentlemen, by overwhelming demand I am going to reveal the identity of the killer in the book my beautiful wife is reading. 1.2802 0.04000 182 139 35 8
1012 Now THIS is when you’re SUPPOSED to laugh. 1.2800 0.04020 200 156 32 12
1013 If I can make it there, I'll make it anywhere 1.2800 0.04027 150 111 36 3
1014 Take my sex life,please ---- 1.2800 0.03957 200 155 34 11
1015 And she tells me to read the room. 1.2798 0.03849 193 147 38 8
1016 It's my 1st time at this venue but you look like a great crowd! 1.2796 0.03942 186 142 36 8
1017 Everyone please stand for the National Anthem. 1.2796 0.03942 186 142 36 8
1018 Give it up for this next guy! 1.2795 0.03961 161 120 37 4
1019 I feel there was more spark when we did Elvis. 1.2795 0.04058 161 121 35 5
1020 I need to work on keeping my audience awake. 1.2795 0.04336 161 124 29 8
1021 hello? 1.2795 0.04245 161 123 31 7
1022 What do I have to do to get your attention? 1.2795 0.04153 161 122 33 6
1023 And for my next joke about my wife, I'd like to invite everyone to our bedroom. 1.2793 0.04194 179 139 30 10
1024 I don't think this is how audiobooks are supposed to work. 1.2793 0.05456 111 87 17 7
1025 Wait, I am reading about different forms of mansplaining 1.2792 0.04068 154 115 35 4
1026 It feels like you never wanna hear about my day. 1.2789 0.03813 190 144 39 7
1027 Hello…is this thing on. 1.2789 0.04095 190 148 31 11
1028 This is not what they mean by audiobook, Sylvia. 1.2788 0.03469 208 155 48 5
1029 If I could have your attention, please, I have an important divorce announcement! 1.2788 0.04349 165 128 28 9
1030 Thank you very much ladies and ladies. You were a great audience right up until chapter eleven. 1.2787 0.03905 183 139 37 7
1031 In conclusion, I would like to thank my devoted wife without whose steadfast support I would not be standing here today. 1.2787 0.04836 122 93 24 5
1032 You ever notice how people just aren't on the same page anymore? 1.2786 0.04653 140 108 25 7
1033 Turn page 1.2786 0.04762 140 109 23 8
1034 Dear listeners, welcome to the grand finale of our in bed reading contest. 1.2785 0.04294 158 121 30 7
1035 Anyone here from 46302 East Terrace Court? 1.2784 0.04101 194 152 30 12
1036 I’d like to propose a toast to the elephant the room 1.2782 0.04695 133 102 25 6
1037 Finish the chapter, the ventriloquist is waiting to go on. 1.2781 0.04004 151 112 36 3
1038 You are a great audience. I will be here all week. 1.2781 0.04004 151 112 36 3
1039 I see you’re reading a book about anti-gravity…you can’t put it done. 1.2781 0.04423 151 116 28 7
1040 Actually, you are just an imaginary character in my audience." 1.2781 0.04219 151 114 32 5
1041 That's some next level heckling. 1.2781 0.04358 169 132 27 10
1042 I miss the days when you would tell me you had a headache. 1.2778 0.04312 162 125 29 8
1043 Please clap your insecurities together and welcome next to the stage: everything you’ve ever said and regretted on repeat for the rest of the night. 1.2778 0.04312 162 125 29 8
1044 Apparently, sense of humor isn't what you're really looking for. 1.2775 0.04441 173 137 24 12
1045 Man, my wife's into books... HOW into books is she, you ask? 1.2775 0.04208 173 134 30 9
1046 So do we have any frigid librarians from Wichita here tonight? 1.2774 0.04602 137 105 26 6
1047 This one goes out to all you ladies wishing for a new man in your bedroom tonight ... 1.2774 0.04940 137 108 20 9
1048 I'll tell ya I'm all right now, but last week I was in rough shape. My wife told me she wanted to try roleplay in the bedroom — only I'd be Rodney Dangerfield, and she'd be his uninterested wife! 1.2771 0.04326 166 129 28 9
1049 And here’s one for the pretty woman in the bed. 1.2767 0.04177 159 121 32 6
1050 Please feign some interest, we’re live in 30 seconds. 1.2767 0.03880 159 118 38 3
1051 and I’ll tell ya somethn else: I don’t get no respect. 1.2766 0.03905 188 144 36 8
1052 Tonight, do you want me to do stand up, or lie down? 1.2765 0.03824 170 127 39 4
1053 Is it cool if I take my cock out? 1.2764 0.03695 199 151 41 7
1054 What's my next line? 1.2763 0.04195 152 115 32 5
1055 A funny thing happened on the way to divorce. 1.2763 0.04592 152 119 24 9
1056 Anyone out there? I can hear you reading. 1.2763 0.04090 152 114 34 4
1057 I thought you’d be more interested considering you’re the one who told me my performance in bed needs work. 1.2763 0.04090 152 114 34 4
1058 Testing, testing, one two three… testing your patience. 1.2762 0.04507 181 146 20 15
1059 If you won't laugh, can you at least heckle? 1.2762 0.04153 181 141 30 10
1060 I tell ya I get no respect, no respect. 1.2761 0.04784 134 104 23 7
1061 Let me close by saying, you're one boring spouse. 1.2761 0.04109 163 124 33 6
1062 I just recently became divorced.” 1.2761 0.04109 163 124 33 6
1063 A funny thing happened on the way from the bathroom. 1.2759 0.04208 145 109 32 4
1064 So, where ya from? 1.2759 0.04743 145 114 22 9
1065 No, the Edward R Murrow schtick is not going to do it tonight 1.2759 0.04025 174 133 34 7
1066 I may just be a figment of your imagination, but you don't seem to have much else going on. 1.2757 0.04231 185 146 27 12
1067 If you like my act, don't look up from your book. 1.2756 0.04832 127 98 23 6
1068 It's just so humbling to get this kind of reception in my own hometown. 1.2755 0.03728 196 149 40 7
1069 There once was a man from Nantucket... 1.2754 0.04084 138 102 34 2
1070 Tough crowd, I tell ya. I haven't had to work a room like this since my honeym-- oh, right. 1.2752 0.03910 149 110 37 2
1071 This bit killed with my ex-wife. 1.2752 0.03910 149 110 37 2
1072 So is anyone here visiting from the living room? 1.2752 0.04136 149 112 33 4
1073 Pleased everyone could make it tonight after a grueling day of yoga and watching reality TV. Frank Buckley Andover MA 1.2750 0.04068 200 158 29 13
1074 Sorry, this is my first one mic stand... 1.2749 0.04233 171 133 29 9
1075 You’ve been a great audience. A shout-out to our super-firm mattress. Good night 1.2747 0.03906 182 139 36 7
1076 So I said to the man, "Take my wife---Please!!...or at least her book." 1.2746 0.04703 142 111 23 8
1077 I get the feeling this is going to be a one-night standup. 1.2746 0.04373 142 108 29 5
1078 You won't let Amazon's Alexa in your bedroom - but a game show host is somehow OK? 1.2746 0.04257 142 107 31 4
1079 I hope that you like my lullaby 1.2746 0.03616 193 145 43 5
1080 Hey there. You with that book in your hands. 1.2745 0.03960 153 114 36 3
1081 Have you ever noticed how some people consummate their marriage? 1.2745 0.04172 153 116 32 5
1082 It's really great to be back here again! 1.2744 0.04087 164 125 33 6
1083 Spoiler Alert: It was the lounge singer, in the bedroom, with the Old Fashioned glass. 1.2744 0.04353 164 128 27 9
1084 Why did I marry a stand-up comic? 1.2742 0.03925 186 143 35 8
1085 ...then my agent says to me, Mr. Sandman, I got you the perfect gig. 1.2742 0.04336 124 92 30 2
1086 I dedicate this cover song to my wife. 1.2742 0.04629 124 94 26 4
1087 Is this thing a turn on? 1.2741 0.03641 197 149 42 6
1088 I don't mean to interrupt, but I'm home. 1.2740 0.04509 146 113 26 7
1089 Hold your applause. 1.2740 0.04403 146 112 28 6
1090 Any avid readers out there tonight? 1.2738 0.03933 168 127 36 5
1091 First, I want to apologize for my behavior this afternoon. Then, I would like to sing a sad love song. 1.2737 0.03699 179 134 41 4
1092 Lucy, I'm home. Lucy?! LUCY!! 1.2737 0.03797 190 145 38 7
1093 I thought you wanted me to be a stand-up guy. 1.2734 0.04925 128 100 21 7
1094 Always that heckler with a romance novel. 1.2734 0.04668 128 98 25 5
1095 Honestly folks, I wouldn't be up here tonight if not for my wife who insists I tell her jokes until she falls asleep 1.2733 0.04427 150 116 27 7
1096 I hear you were stood up tonight. 1.2733 0.04225 161 124 30 7
1097 Looking intently at the page, Caroline realized that her life could be so much better if she left her wanna-be stand-up comedian of a husband. 1.2733 0.04225 161 124 30 7
1098 Good evening and welcome to my bedtime routine. 1.2733 0.04132 161 123 32 6
1099 Hey lady, I'm paying you for the night - the least you can do is pay attention. 1.2732 0.03673 194 147 41 6
1100 I know I’m bombing up here. I can read the room. 1.2727 0.03985 176 135 34 7
1101 So, are any of you from out of town? 1.2727 0.04155 165 127 31 7
1102 And now, by special request, I'm going to shut my stupid mouth! 1.2727 0.03727 231 182 35 14
1103 What's a guy gotta do around here to get heckled? 1.2727 0.04539 154 121 24 9
1104 Could you heckle at least? 1.2727 0.04114 143 107 33 3
1105 I see the lady in the front row is out late on a school night. 1.2727 0.03985 176 135 34 7
1106 Babe, are you sure the guy at the mall was a real couple therapist? 1.2727 0.04148 154 117 32 5
1107 My next guest needs no introduction, she's three and ready to be tucked into bed." 1.2727 0.04674 143 112 23 8
1108 Stand up isn’t what I meant when I asked if he could get it up in the bedroom tonight. 1.2722 0.04156 180 141 29 10
1109 You're reading too much into my jokes. 1.2722 0.04340 169 133 26 10
1110 I’ve played a lot of tough rooms, but nothing like this. 1.2717 0.03792 184 140 38 6
1111 I’d first like to thank you for allowing us into your bedroom this evening. It’s an honor and not something we take lightly. 1.2717 0.03767 173 130 39 4
1112 This is eerily similar to the dream, except for the clothes, of course. 1.2716 0.04015 162 123 34 5
1113 Our sex life is the real joke. 1.2715 0.04500 151 118 25 8
1114 Anyone here tonight from Iowa? 1.2715 0.04195 151 115 31 5
1115 This used to make you laugh. 1.2713 0.04505 129 98 27 4
1116 And here, ladies and gentlemen, we have a single woman in her clean home, completely at peace. 1.2711 0.04221 166 129 29 8
1117 The guys at the club said I should put my jokes to bed. 1.2711 0.04307 166 130 27 9
1118 I'm here all week. 1.2710 0.03576 214 164 42 8
1119 Now hear this! It’s time for bed, put the book down. 1.2710 0.04125 155 118 32 5
1120 And next I’d like to thank my wife, for always keeping me grounded. 1.2710 0.04225 155 119 30 6
1121 Ever feel like you’re invisible in your own home? 1.2708 0.04540 144 112 25 7
1122 'I've been married three times,and I'm still on the same monologue!' 1.2707 0.04544 133 102 26 5
1123 So a comedian walks into a bed ... 1.2707 0.04417 133 101 28 4
1124 I just flew in from New York and boy is my wife tired. Take my arms, please. 1.2707 0.04668 133 103 24 6
1125 The real joke tonight will be when your husband comes home. 1.2707 0.04286 133 100 30 3
1126 'During tonight's episode of 'No Sex in the City" ,my wife Shelly will be reading from "Wuthering Heights" 1.2707 0.04417 133 101 28 4
1127 Good book, huh? Real page-turner, am I right? I read a book once. Want me to tell you about it? Hello? Work with me here, would ya, jeez.... 1.2706 0.03894 170 129 36 5
1128 Honey, I want to give you a hint about our next vacation, but first you need to give your Bucharest. 1.2706 0.04236 170 133 28 9
1129 ... and tonight's agenda is: reading, snuggling followed by drifting off 1.2705 0.04804 122 94 23 5
1130 So my agent calls and says I've got this intimate little venue for you. 1.2705 0.04361 122 91 29 2
1131 The therapist said foreplay should be fun for both of us. 1.2705 0.04804 122 94 23 5
1132 This isn't what I had in mind when you invited me into your bedroom. 1.2704 0.04058 159 121 33 5
1133 I know I didn't notice your new haircut but this feels too rough. 1.2703 0.04351 148 114 28 6
1134 My wife says she can read me like a book. 1.2703 0.04351 148 114 28 6
1135 You said I should try to be more vulnerable in bed. 1.2701 0.03606 211 162 41 8
1136 …and our guest on, A book at bedtime, this week is 1.2701 0.03659 174 130 41 3
1137 My new bedtime routine is not working out. 1.2701 0.03922 174 133 35 6
1138 I know you want to break into stand up but I think you’re better suited to lay down 1.2701 0.03473 174 128 45 1
1139 This is the last time I book a bedroom community. 1.2701 0.04576 137 106 25 6
1140 Tough crowd. I'll come to bed when I get a laugh. OK a giggle. OK I'll drink in the living room. 1.2701 0.04576 137 106 25 6
1141 Let me know if you find anything funny. 1.2701 0.04457 137 105 27 5
1142 What do my audiences and my wife have in common? They'd both rather be curled up in bed with a good book. 1.2699 0.04357 163 128 26 9
1143 Check the fine print. This audiobook comes with a two drink minimum. 1.2698 0.04702 126 97 24 5
1144 It's great to be here on the opening - and apparently closing - night of the Bedroom Club. 1.2698 0.04014 189 148 31 10
1145 Tonight’s anxiety dreams brought to you by workplace embarrassment and narrated by your father. 1.2698 0.03943 189 147 33 9
1146 I said I wanted Magic Mike, not open mic. 1.2698 0.04965 126 99 20 7
1147 Can I be here all night? 1.2697 0.04066 152 115 33 4
1148 I just got back from a pleasure trip-took my Mother-in-Law to the airport! 1.2697 0.04180 178 140 28 10
1149 Regrets, I’ve had a few…la daa la dada da da 1.2695 0.04135 141 106 32 3
1150 Just cause you said no to fetish gear doesn’t mean I don’t want to be humiliated. 1.2695 0.04488 141 109 26 6
1151 Are there any nymphomaniacs in the audience tonight? 1.2695 0.04367 167 132 25 10
1152 Please, sweetie. I helped you out with your TikTok videos. 1.2695 0.04112 167 129 31 7
1153 This is my final offer. 1.2692 0.04000 156 118 34 4
1154 We should do this more often. 1.2692 0.04299 156 121 28 7
1155 At least here I’m a headliner 1.2692 0.04394 156 122 26 8
1156 Hey honey, how do you like the "stand-up" position? 1.2692 0.04202 156 120 30 6
1157 ‘You said you wanted a Youngman in the bedroom again.’ 1.2692 0.04734 130 101 23 6
1158 This is where the magic used to happen 1.2692 0.03636 208 160 40 8
1159 ..snd I’ll do it my-y-y way..” 1.2690 0.03874 171 130 36 5
1160 A funny thing happened to me on the way to bed tonight… 1.2690 0.04295 145 111 29 5
1161 That’s not what I meant when I said I wanted to do it standing up, George. 1.2690 0.04617 145 114 23 8
1162 I thought you’d stay till the finale 1.2688 0.04036 160 122 33 5
1163 I don't understand what gives you headaches every night. 1.2688 0.04036 160 122 33 5
1164 I guess you heard that one before 1.2687 0.04389 134 102 28 4
1165 This is a tough room 1.2686 0.03731 175 132 39 4
1166 So I once dated a girl named Dian. Obviously that’s not her real name, but here’s what really pissed me off 1.2686 0.04226 175 138 27 10
1167 "I'm your husband's warm-up act. You said he's bad at foreplay." 1.2685 0.04530 149 117 24 8
1168 Hi, I am the person who wrote the book you are reading 1.2685 0.04219 149 114 30 5
1169 And it's good to see some familiar faces out there. 1.2683 0.04157 164 127 30 7
1170 A round of applause was all I was hoping for. 1.2683 0.03780 164 123 38 3
1171 Folks, this is sign language for she just wants to be left alone 1.2683 0.04628 123 94 25 4
1172 So. Where are you all from? 1.2683 0.04157 164 127 30 7
1173 Take me wife . . . 1.2682 0.04006 179 139 32 8
1174 How many of you are from out of town? 1.2682 0.03846 179 137 36 6
1175 I've heard of "sing for your supper," but this takes the cake! 1.2682 0.03679 179 135 40 4
1176 So how’s my performance on bed? 1.2680 0.04544 153 121 23 9
1177 Hello, I'll be here until death do us part. 1.2680 0.04148 153 117 31 5
1178 Just to let you know,I have performance anxiety”… 1.2680 0.04250 153 118 29 6
1179 My early show is better. 1.2680 0.04448 153 120 25 8
1180 This isn’t what I had in mind when you said “one-night stand.” 1.2679 0.04344 168 133 25 10
1181 Can you hear me alright out there? 1.2678 0.04022 183 143 31 9
1182 It was so hot today…”. “Jane, baby, that’s your cue. 1.2678 0.03870 183 141 35 7
1183 So this girl's dating profile says she is attracted to men with a sense of humor. Turns out it's only funny guys who look like Brad Pitt. Thank you, I'll be here all night. 1.2676 0.04460 142 110 26 6
1184 You were the one who wanted to role play. 1.2676 0.04347 142 109 28 5
1185 I'm picturing the audience in their underwear right now...I know you're out there,I hear you breathing. 1.2675 0.04080 157 120 32 5
1186 I'll pause while you look up that last joke. 1.2675 0.03658 157 116 40 1
1187 I'll be here till death do us part. 1.2674 0.03674 172 129 40 3
1188 Hello, everyone. I’m James and I will be playing the role of the frustrated husband this evening. 1.2673 0.03765 202 157 36 9
1189 So, do we have anyone in the audience tonight from the second floor bedroom at 42 Sunset Avenue? 1.2672 0.05101 116 91 19 6
1190 Look on the bright side, I could have said I wanted to be a mime." 1.2672 0.04825 131 103 21 7
1191 I prefer a lie-down routine to stand-up act. 1.2672 0.04445 131 100 27 4
1192 You have been great audience, and I'll be appearing later this evening in the bathroom. 1.2672 0.04575 131 101 25 5
1193 The only difference is here you pay a covers charge. 1.2672 0.04445 131 100 27 4
1194 My wife is so frigid... 1.2671 0.04485 146 114 25 7
1195 Yeah? Well my caption made it into The New Yorker so I think I'm qualified now. 1.2671 0.04589 146 115 23 8
1196 Folks, she just turned the page. 1.2671 0.04042 146 110 33 3
1197 You're a tough crowd tonight, folks. 1.2671 0.04485 146 114 25 7
1198 Now here's my impression of a mediocre white man. 1.2671 0.04157 146 111 31 4
1199 It’ll be refreshing to hear you laugh at what’s ABOVE the covers. 1.2671 0.04042 146 110 33 3
1200 But seriously, what‘s the deal with One Night Stand-Ups? 1.2670 0.04430 176 142 21 13
1201 Now that I have your partial attention....... 1.2667 0.04694 120 92 24 4
1202 So, I guess what I am trying to say is, "Do you even know I'm here?" 1.2667 0.03559 165 122 42 1
1203 What's the deal with bedside lamps people? Are they too bright, not bright enough? 1.2667 0.04087 150 114 32 4
1204 I’ve heard of bad audiences BUT THIS IS RIDICULOUS! 1.2667 0.03852 195 152 34 9
1205 Not a fan of stand-up comedy, or is it my delivery? 1.2663 0.04155 169 132 29 8
1206 Testing one, two. I want a divorce. 1.2662 0.04281 139 106 29 4
1207 " If you enjoyed the show, you can catch me any night this week. 1.2659 0.03563 173 129 42 2
1208 I thought you liked the Late Show. 1.2658 0.03957 158 120 34 4
1209 I don't think this microphone is working. 1.2656 0.04221 128 96 30 2
1210 Not, me dear. I am leading a life of 'loud exasperation'. 1.2656 0.04503 128 98 26 4
1211 technically a full house 1.2655 0.03780 177 135 37 5
1212 So without further ado, please raise your glasses and join me in saying good night. 1.2654 0.03993 162 124 33 5
1213 So what's the deal with indifferent wives? 1.2654 0.04088 162 125 31 6
1214 You're sure the line says "jerkoff"? 1.2654 0.04088 162 125 31 6
1215 Thank you for choosing Read-Along: LIVE. 1.2654 0.04271 162 127 27 8
1216 Don’t forget, there’s a five dollar cover charge 1.2654 0.04088 162 125 31 6
1217 We misread this one completely." 1.2653 0.04244 147 113 29 5
1218 And that’s when I said, “liquor, I barely know her!” 1.2653 0.04018 147 111 33 3
1219 Hey, how about you read the ROOM lady. 1.2653 0.04352 147 114 27 6
1220 A woman reading a book walks into a bar... 1.2652 0.04193 181 144 26 11
1221 Seriously, Marge, is that your idea of having fun between the covers? 1.2652 0.04283 132 100 29 3
1222 Foreplay. Who knows what I'm talking about? 1.2652 0.04146 132 99 31 2
1223 And now the event we’ve all been waiting for 1.2652 0.04545 132 102 25 5
1224 Because I only do covers? 1.2652 0.04545 132 102 25 5
1225 Keep ignoring him – keep ignoring him – keep ignoring him… 1.2652 0.04416 132 101 27 4
1226 If you wouldn't mind looking up for a moment, I'd love to wish us a happy anniversary. 1.2651 0.04371 166 132 24 10
1227 I know how to read the audience 1.2651 0.04201 166 130 28 8
1228 Honey which chapter did we end with last night? 1.2650 0.04443 117 88 27 2
1229 My wife said she wanted to be a virgin until she got married. I thought she meant to me. 1.2649 0.04764 151 122 18 11
1230 Emily, this is your husband speaking. Could I please have your attention for a minute to ask you what suit and tie I should wear tomorrow? 1.2649 0.04378 151 118 26 7
1231 Your water's nice, but we still have a two-drink minimum. 1.2647 0.03782 170 129 37 4
1232 When stand up comedians make home visits!!! 1.2647 0.04457 136 105 26 5
1233 I figured I'd attempt to get you to laugh in bed on purpose with my pants on for a change. 1.2647 0.04695 136 107 22 7
1234 Good book? 1.2647 0.03873 170 130 35 5
1235 Was that a heckle or did you turn the page? 1.2645 0.04202 155 120 29 6
1236 If I could have your attention for just a moment... 1.2645 0.03998 155 118 33 4
1237 If I could have your attention. . . 1.2644 0.03728 174 132 38 4
1238 Hey, I was in in Hoboken last night and it’s going to be great to be in Charlotte tonight. 1.2643 0.04602 140 110 23 7
1239 Any 'readers' in your house tonight? 1.2643 0.04373 140 108 27 5
1240 Welcome to your trial month of Audible Direct! 1.2642 0.03940 193 152 31 10
1241 Apparently, my wife doesn't like how I perform in the bedroom. 1.2642 0.03833 159 120 36 3
1242 So then she told me - read the room! 1.2642 0.03833 159 120 36 3
1243 Welcome to the enhanced audio book experience... 1.2642 0.04035 159 122 32 5
1244 If you liked the show, I will be in the living room next Sunday, on the backyard patio on Tuesday and a rare (not to be missed) garage performance on the fifteenth! 1.2642 0.04035 159 122 32 5
1245 Ahem, I'll need total focus from those in the front row. 1.2642 0.04035 159 122 32 5
1246 Good evening. I'd like to introduce myself-I'm your husband. 1.2640 0.04839 125 98 21 6
1247 Performing in bed it’s not what it used to be thought Joe 1.2640 0.04970 125 99 19 7
1248 Alice, we all enjoy an audio book, but I feel ridiculous. 1.2639 0.04515 144 113 24 7
1249 You know, I have a very popular podcast. 1.2639 0.04294 144 111 28 5
1250 I believe this is the only time you haven’t laughed at me in bed. 1.2639 0.04294 144 111 28 5
1251 It would help my performance if the audience was engaged 1.2638 0.04066 163 126 31 6
1252 I meant I perform better ON bed than on stage! 1.2638 0.03972 163 125 33 5
1253 You have told me to stand up for myself, Susan.. 1.2638 0.03972 163 125 33 5
1254 Is anyone here in the doghouse? Just me? 1.2637 0.04024 182 143 30 9
1255 Of course I’m listening Albert! 1.2637 0.03710 182 139 38 5
1256 This place is always overbooked. 1.2636 0.04948 110 85 21 4
1257 Apparently you're not interested in oral sex. 1.2636 0.04607 129 100 24 5
1258 And you're sure hearing my acceptance speech again will help you with your insomnia? 1.2636 0.04473 129 99 26 4
1259 Can you hear me now? I’m home! 1.2635 0.04219 148 114 29 5
1260 I prefer the clinking of ice in glasses to the sound of pages being turned. 1.2635 0.04219 148 114 29 5
1261 Any requests from the audience...please? 1.2635 0.04179 167 131 28 8
1262 Well the guys at the office think I'm hilarious. 1.2635 0.04264 167 132 26 9
1263 After that run in with the ghost from husband’s past, the ghost of husbands future seems wayyy less exciting. 1.2635 0.04091 167 130 30 7
1264 While some people have an internal dialogue, Emily has an external monologue. 1.2634 0.04037 186 147 29 10
1265 Oh, yeah? Well, you move your lips when you read. 1.2632 0.04251 152 118 28 6
1266 Sweetie? I’m not in the book. 1.2632 0.04147 152 117 30 5
1267 You've been a great audience, and next Thursday you can catch my stand-up routine in the bathroom 1.2632 0.04028 171 133 31 7
1268 A priest, a rabbi, and a frigid wife walk into a bar... 1.2632 0.04515 133 103 25 5
1269 I also can juggle. 1.2632 0.03763 190 147 36 7
1270 A staged marriage. 1.2632 0.04515 133 103 25 5
1271 So, my wife hasn't been paying attention to me." 1.2629 0.03797 175 134 36 5
1272 Susan, there's no funny way to say this, but I'm leaving you. 1.2629 0.03967 175 136 32 7
1273 You can finish your book. I'll be here all week. 1.2628 0.03976 156 119 33 4
1274 Hey! Let's get naked and do what married people do. 1.2628 0.04179 137 104 30 3
1275 There will now be a 15 minute break for some evening delight. 1.2628 0.04548 137 107 24 6
1276 Even some heckling would be appreciated 1.2627 0.05025 118 93 19 6
1277 This is my last gig without a cover charge. 1.2625 0.04297 160 126 26 8
1278 Yes, this is my smallest audience so far. 1.2625 0.04297 160 126 26 8
1279 Now, for your next request, "You Light up My Life". 1.2625 0.04013 160 123 32 5
1280 I just flew in from the bathroom and boy are my arms tired 1.2625 0.04013 160 123 32 5
1281 I'm glad that you're enjoying your book, but there's still a two drink minimum. 1.2624 0.04346 141 109 27 5
1282 At least I'm not putting you to sleep. 1.2622 0.04483 164 132 21 11
1283 You don't have to say my monologue is boring, I can read you like a book. 1.2622 0.04136 164 128 29 7
1284 Can't we just turn on the radio? 1.2621 0.04593 145 115 22 8
1285 I will start with a personal anecdote. My wife was reading in bed when… 1.2621 0.04379 145 113 26 6
1286 ... and those illustrated positions could significantly change the outcome of the evening... Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk. 1.2621 0.04268 145 112 28 5
1287 Hello, Is this on? 1.2621 0.04487 145 114 24 7
1288 I’m pretending to read here, Craig! 1.2621 0.04593 145 115 22 8
1289 I think you are missing the point of an audio book. 1.2620 0.03946 187 147 31 9
1290 If you came out to avoid your spouse, let me hear some noise. 1.2619 0.04671 126 98 23 5
1291 Lady in the back left with the glasses. Care to share with the rest of us what's so interesting in that book? I'm dying up here! 1.2619 0.03982 168 130 32 6
1292 I don’t think this is what they mean by ‘audio book.’ 1.2619 0.04390 126 96 27 3
1293 If this thing doesn’t get her attention I don’t know what will 1.2619 0.03798 168 128 36 4
1294 What a crowd, what a crowd. 1.2618 0.03818 191 149 34 8
1295 Did you hear the one about the passive aggressive heckler? 1.2618 0.03746 191 148 36 7
1296 so a man walks into a bar without his wedding ring 1.2617 0.04085 149 114 31 4
1297 Anyone here from out of town tonight?” 1.2617 0.03972 149 113 33 3
1298 You said our sex life was like a one person comedy show, so thought I’d really do it up right tonight. 1.2616 0.03834 172 132 35 5
1299 Tough audience tonight 1.2616 0.03652 172 130 39 3
1300 Well, why not? You’re not a very good stripper, either. 1.2615 0.04575 130 101 24 5
1301 Whoa, whoa, tough crowd I tell ya. My wife ignores soo much I pretend to be a comedian just to be heckled. 1.2614 0.04327 153 120 26 7
1302 Folks, there are only three things you can do in bed... 1.2614 0.03779 176 135 36 5
1303 If this isn’t a good time I can come back later. Whataya say? 1.2614 0.03864 176 136 34 6
1304 “Are you almost done with that spotlight?” 1.2613 0.05073 111 87 19 5
1305 I have a very important announcement to make. 1.2612 0.04228 134 102 29 3
1306 Sometimes I don't feel heard in this relationship, Linda. 1.2612 0.04228 134 102 29 3
1307 My wife sleeps on her back but I prefer to stand-up. 1.2612 0.04359 134 103 27 4
1308 Great to see our old friend Cindy in the house. Case you've forgotten, I'm your husband Bob. 1.2611 0.03954 157 120 33 4
1309 Any of you out there married? Raise your hand. 1.2609 0.04519 138 108 24 6
1310 And now, reading from her book, "My Boyfriend Doesn't Get It," Jenna Girl X! 1.2609 0.04747 138 110 20 8
1311 Looks like a tough audience, I hope it's not Jodi Picoult or Steven King tonight. 1.2609 0.04088 161 125 30 6
1312 I am enunciating and you are still ignoring. 1.2609 0.04400 138 107 26 5
1313 And how about those husbands who forget their own anniversaries? Are they in trouble or what? 1.2609 0.04400 138 107 26 5
1314 I don’t want to alarm you, but the cocktail isn’t the only thing that’s stiff tonight. 1.2609 0.03748 207 163 34 10
1315 She turned the page, like she'd done it a thousand times before.." "Larry, please stop! 1.2609 0.03992 161 124 32 5
1316 What's the deal with nightstands? 1.2609 0.04635 138 109 22 7
1317 And speaking of tough rooms... 1.2606 0.04203 165 130 27 8
1318 A librarian, a comedian, and a proposed marriage counselor walk into a bar. 1.2606 0.04320 142 110 27 5
1319 Marian and Harold Hill in later years. 1.2606 0.04202 142 109 29 4
1320 This may be a blanket generalization, but you never pay any attention to me. 1.2606 0.04545 142 112 23 7
1321 I'm getting bumped for a romance novel, again? 1.2603 0.04243 146 113 28 5
1322 Are you sure this is an erotic fantasy? 1.2603 0.04243 146 113 28 5
1323 Perhaps you're wondering why I asked you to be here this evening. 1.2602 0.04737 123 96 22 5
1324 And then I then I told her, 'It's either that book or me....' 1.2599 0.03845 177 137 34 6
1325 'Take my husband, please.." That's funny? 1.2599 0.03760 177 136 36 5
1326 Where are my party people? 1.2598 0.04638 127 99 23 5
1327 Really mellow crowd tonight, for my next set I will need a night light 1.2597 0.04026 181 143 29 9
1328 Hey, what's the deal with marriage? Am I right? 1.2595 0.04279 131 100 28 3
1329 Am I a joke to you? 1.2595 0.04034 158 122 31 5
1330 Anyone here from in town? 1.2595 0.03829 158 120 35 3
1331 Have you heard the one about the comedian trying to get into bed with you? 1.2595 0.04132 158 123 29 6
1332 Not in the mood? 1.2593 0.03772 162 123 36 3
1333 and again it's "just one more chapter" 1.2593 0.04201 135 103 29 3
1334 I did it—MY way.” 1.2593 0.04456 135 105 25 5
1335 Reading in bed -- what's up with that? 1.2593 0.05158 108 85 18 5
1336 So what’s the deal with bedsheets nowadays? 1.2593 0.03909 189 149 31 9
1337 Thank you. Thank you. You’ve been a great audience. 1.2590 0.04002 166 129 31 6
1338 What do you mean you miss the guy with the sledgehammer and the watermelons? 1.2590 0.04002 166 129 31 6
1339 🎶Strangers in the night exchanging glances Wondering in the night, what were the chances? We'd be sharing love before the night was through🎶 1.2590 0.03909 166 128 33 5
1340 I thought you said you were into funny guys... 1.2590 0.04002 166 129 31 6
1341 Now that I've been given the light, let me wrap my five minute plea for an open marriage. 1.2590 0.04605 139 110 22 7
1342 I'm sorry, but you did order the audiobook edition.. 1.2588 0.04113 170 134 28 8
1343 And now it's time to wrap up both this evening and our marriage with 'Toot, Toot, Tootsie, Goodbye!' 1.2588 0.04279 170 136 24 10
1344 Could you at least do me the honor of ignoring me with a cell phone? 1.2587 0.04730 143 115 19 9
1345 Please put down The Old Man and the Sea and listen to my finale. 1.2587 0.04293 143 111 27 5
1346 Here's to hoping you'll look at me again one day! 1.2587 0.04057 143 109 31 3
1347 Is my performance in bed is getting stale? 1.2585 0.03991 147 112 32 3
1348 As Howie reflects on his marriage, he realizes the importance of communication and attentiveness in the relationship. 1.2584 0.03908 178 139 32 7
1349 When you said you like a good laugh in bed, I didn't think you meant David Sedaris. 1.2583 0.04454 151 120 23 8
1350 So my performance in bed is a joke? 1.2583 0.04251 151 118 27 6
1351 I'm sorry to say this dear, but what we've got here is a failure to communicate." 1.2583 0.04038 151 116 31 4
1352 If I can have a few seconds of your attention, I have an announcement to make 1.2582 0.03851 182 142 33 7
1353 I thought you signed up for audiobooks 1.2581 0.04374 155 123 24 8
1354 Any more requests before I bring out the next act? 1.2581 0.04416 124 95 26 3
1355 Anyone here who wishes they were out of town tonight? 1.2579 0.04205 159 125 27 7
1356 Is this thing on? ... How about you? Are you turned on? 1.2579 0.04110 159 124 29 6
1357 The husband did it 1.2578 0.04471 128 99 25 4
1358 No, seriously folks ... I can't joke about my sex life, because I always get walk-outs! 1.2577 0.04136 163 128 28 7
1359 Show of hands – who here's had a one-night stand-up? 1.2577 0.04227 163 129 26 8
1360 But you said you wanted to have a talk. 1.2577 0.04227 163 129 26 8
1361 I guess volume is not the issue” 1.2576 0.04641 132 104 22 6
1362 And the nominees for Most Attentive Wife are.... 1.2576 0.04641 132 104 22 6
1363 You hire me for a private party, and now this? Who do you think I am, Rodney Dangerfield? 1.2576 0.03784 198 156 33 9
1364 We used to laugh at the same things. 1.2576 0.03852 198 157 31 10
1365 Must be a real page turner. 1.2576 0.04515 132 103 24 5
1366 No respect, I tell ya’. No respect. 1.2575 0.03600 167 126 39 2
1367 Honey, you could pretend to be listening! 1.2575 0.03981 167 130 31 6
1368 Don't forget to tip your bartenders and servers . . . 1.2575 0.03795 167 128 35 4
1369 Is this thing plugged in? 1.2575 0.03889 167 129 33 5
1370 But where ARE the wild things? 1.2575 0.04070 167 131 29 7
1371 A lady climbed into bed with a book... 1.2574 0.04303 136 105 27 4
1372 Darling, you really have to deal with this hearing aid thing. 1.2574 0.04667 136 108 21 7
1373 Do you like piña colada's? 1.2574 0.04428 136 106 25 5
1374 Thank you very much. You’ve been a great crowd, these past 15 years and please come again, for the next 15 years or more. 1.2574 0.04303 136 105 27 4
1375 Great to he back here in Apt 4D. So my wife says we are still not talking... 1.2574 0.04303 136 105 27 4
1376 honey no need to look it up, it's just a joke. 1.2574 0.04042 136 103 31 2
1377 Well, I’m just another late night comedy act. 1.2571 0.04345 140 109 26 5
1378 If I could have your attention, I’m leaving for work. 1.2570 0.03889 179 140 32 7
1379 Stop me if you’ve heard this one before. 1.2569 0.04267 144 112 27 5
1380 I’m rather liking this new audio book…” Eflor Rolfe, London U. 1.2569 0.04267 144 112 27 5
1381 Ok, no new stuff. 1.2569 0.04267 144 112 27 5
1382 I think I still love you. Look at you, my angel. My little harlot of the night. 1.2569 0.04379 144 113 25 6
1383 Good eeeeeevning! This is your husband. May I please have your attention… 1.2569 0.04379 144 113 25 6
1384 I always joke after intercourse. 1.2568 0.03850 148 112 34 2
1385 |"Hey, you stood me up again." 1.2568 0.03967 148 113 32 3
1386 Can’t you just break down and buy an audio book? 1.2568 0.04406 148 117 24 7
1387 Anybody read any good books lately? 1.2567 0.03702 187 145 36 6
1388 At least I’m not competing with a little glowing screen. 1.2566 0.03905 152 116 33 3
1389 But that’s showbiz, baby…. 1.2566 0.04015 152 117 31 4
1390 Well, thanks for coming, I'll be here all week. 1.2566 0.04226 152 119 27 6
1391 Is anyone out there married? 1.2566 0.03905 152 116 33 3
1392 This really IS a tough room... 1.2566 0.04015 152 117 31 4
1393 My wife says I have performance anxiety. I think the audience could be better” 1.2566 0.04428 152 121 23 8
1394 You've been a terrible audience. 1.2566 0.04226 152 119 27 6
1395 Her hallucinations were getting worse. There was no book. 1.2564 0.04349 156 124 24 8
1396 Oh, you meant freshen up OUR routine! 1.2563 0.03990 160 124 31 5
1397 And in closing ..." 1.2563 0.03890 160 123 33 4
1398 🎼”Everybody loves somebody sometime” 🎼, although it appears it’s not my body nor my time! 1.2562 0.04474 121 93 25 3
1399 What do I need to do to get your attention? 1.2561 0.03733 164 125 36 3
1400 Women like a stand-up guy, am I right? 1.2560 0.04385 125 96 26 3
1401 When I read about the evils of drinking I gave up reading. 1.2560 0.04467 168 137 19 12
1402 Thank you for coming. I hope you enjoyed the show. 1.2558 0.03629 172 131 38 3
1403 Honey,your nighttime routine is as dull as my stand up routine 1.2557 0.03843 176 137 33 6
1404 Sec. What’s that? I have to entertain my self at my age. 1.2556 0.04086 133 101 30 2
1405 My wife ignores me in the bedroom, and boy are my arms tired! 1.2556 0.04223 133 102 28 3
1406 Don't say I never Stand-up for you. 1.2556 0.03870 180 141 32 7
1407 Honey, my stand up works best with your book down. 1.2555 0.04148 137 105 29 3
1408 Born to be Wiiiild” ? 1.2555 0.04520 137 108 23 6
1409 He was at an unknown venue, on a shaky stage with only one disinterested person in attendance when it became crystal clear: there be no career in comedy. 1.2553 0.04434 141 111 24 6
1410 It's tough being a Dangerfield, I tell ya. 1.2553 0.04199 141 109 28 4
1411 Now I will sing the Impossible Dream. 1.2553 0.04434 141 111 24 6
1412 Straaaangers in the niiiiight... 1.2553 0.04199 141 109 28 4
1413 Tonight we’re gonna sing a high note 1.2553 0.04547 141 112 22 7
1414 And here's another of Rodney's favorites... 1.2552 0.04241 145 113 27 5
1415 The ghost of comedians past comes to visit Carol. 1.2552 0.04127 145 112 29 4
1416 Take me…back please! 1.2552 0.04127 145 112 29 4
1417 Tough crowd, tough crowd. This crowd is so tough that...c'mon, honey, this is where you yell 'How tough is it?' 1.2550 0.04483 149 119 22 8
1418 I've played the Borscht Belt but never the Chastity Belt. 1.2550 0.04380 149 118 24 7
1419 Bedspreads. You know what I mean!? Who needs 'em 1.2550 0.03944 149 114 32 3
1420 He had two fantasies, and the other was a threesome. 1.2550 0.04168 149 116 28 5
1421 Don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to make a scene here but… 1.2548 0.04132 157 123 28 6
1422 Lady’s looking up what a one night stand…up comedian in bed is. 1.2547 0.03968 161 125 31 5
1423 i thought i might take a shower, spritz with that cologne you bought and slip between the sheets. what do you think? 1.2545 0.03907 165 128 32 5
1424 Take my wife… 1.2545 0.04001 165 129 30 6
1425 Why do you always ignore my stand-up? 1.2544 0.04955 114 90 19 5
1426 Take my wife’s extreme approach to the ‘Silent Treatment.’ Please…?” 1.2540 0.04207 126 96 28 2
1427 I haven't seen a woman this uninterested in me since my wedding night. Ohh, tough crowd. Hey, you're alright. 1.2537 0.04455 134 105 24 5
1428 My girlfriend was the woman of my dreams, then she became my wife. 1.2537 0.04060 134 102 30 2
1429 And in this corner, weighing in at 115 pounds, is middle-brow reader Linda White. 1.2536 0.04491 138 109 23 6
1430 Her race to finish her 2022 reading goal was interrupted by the Ghost of Standup Comedian Podcasters Past. 1.2535 0.04627 142 114 20 8
1431 Actually, heckles would be appreciated. 1.2535 0.04052 142 109 30 3
1432 As we start this new chapter... 1.2535 0.04291 142 111 26 5
1433 Not tonight, I have a headache! 1.2535 0.04291 142 111 26 5
1434 The next performer in our Zoom presentation is my wife Nora who will read from her memoir about our marriage, 'Bed And Bored.' 1.2534 0.04842 146 120 15 11
1435 What does a guy have to do to get an audience with you? 1.2534 0.04102 146 113 29 4
1436 Must you check on every joke as original? 1.2534 0.04539 146 117 21 8
1437 I said to the cabbie, "Take me to where the action is. He took me to my house!" Is this thing on? 1.2533 0.04354 150 119 24 7
1438 Netflix really will do anything to win the content war 1.2533 0.04034 150 116 30 4
1439 So, let’s see, foreplay huh?… anybody here like books? 1.2533 0.04034 150 116 30 4
1440 I guess "My Way" didn't do it for you. 1.2532 0.04178 154 121 27 6
1441 Im here all decade. 1.2532 0.03861 154 118 33 3
1442 I said, I'm here all week. 1.2532 0.04075 154 120 29 5
1443 Now, you take my wife...please! 1.2532 0.03969 154 119 31 4
1444 Man, Tuesday night audiences are the worst! 1.2531 0.04228 162 129 25 8
1445 The world watches breathlessly as Joe Smith approaches his 49th day of celibacy. Will Mrs. Smith look up from her book possibly breaking that streak; or will she continue to be unresponsive allowing Joe an unprecedented personal best 1.2530 0.04070 166 131 28 7
1446 A priest, a rabbi, and a monk walk into our bed... 1.2530 0.03979 166 130 30 6
1447 Heckling should be spontaneous, not scripted. 1.2529 0.04029 174 138 28 8
1448 If you don't mind, I'd like to try a few of my one liners. 1.2527 0.03778 186 146 33 7
1449 "That's my time. Don't forget to tip your waitress. 1.2527 0.03621 186 144 37 5
1450 A Tale of Two Cities by Charles Dickens Chapter 1 “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times ... 1.2521 0.05094 119 96 16 7
1451 That’s also available as an Audio Book so I don’t have to stand here reading it 1.2520 0.04410 123 95 25 3
1452 I can tell, Chapter 8 is just side-splitting. 1.2520 0.04178 127 97 28 2
1453 Hello, Bedroom! 1.2519 0.04245 131 101 27 3
1454 Is there anyone in the audience from our bedroom? 1.2519 0.04104 131 100 29 2
1455 You look vaguely familiar. Do you come here often? 1.2519 0.04245 131 101 27 3
1456 Nothing I do will distract her. Believe me, I have tried everything. 1.2519 0.04299 135 105 26 4
1457 When I say 'mike check', you respond, just so I know you can hear me. 1.2519 0.04549 135 107 22 6
1458 I’d feel a lot better if you put the book down and heckled me a bit. 1.2519 0.03894 135 102 32 1
1459 It can be lonely up here. 1.2519 0.04169 135 104 28 3
1460 I don't feel you pay attention to me anymore. 1.2518 0.04343 139 109 25 5
1461 Fly me to the moon, let me walk among the stars, in other words, just look up, honey! 1.2518 0.04222 139 108 27 4
1462 Hello ladies and gentlemen, The stand-up comedy hour is coming to you from our bedroom,, where nothing ever happens! 1.2518 0.04343 139 109 25 5
1463 You asked for my best tight five 1.2518 0.04096 139 107 29 3
1464 Stop me if you’ve seen this one before.. 1.2518 0.04096 139 107 29 3
1465 Steve, this isn’t what I meant when I said you need to work on your pillow talk… 1.2518 0.04096 139 107 29 3
1466 So Sweetheart, shall we kiss those performance issues goodbye! 1.2517 0.04379 143 113 24 6
1467 So then I said, "Are you sure you want me to bring my work home with me so we can spend more time together?" 1.2517 0.04027 143 110 30 3
1468 Gee, thanks for “trying,” but no, not paying attention doesn’t help my performance anxiety. 1.2517 0.04148 143 111 28 4
1469 "Good to some familial faces here tonight." 1.2517 0.04265 143 112 26 5
1470 As we start this new chapter of our lives... 1.2517 0.04078 147 114 29 4
1471 Anyone celebrating a birthday? 1.2517 0.04190 147 115 27 5
1472 Forget about airplane food, how about the nightmare in that kitchen?" 1.2517 0.04011 151 117 30 4
1473 And I would like to thank my wife for all her sacrifices during those difficult evening hours 1.2517 0.04119 151 118 28 5
1474 I thought you said you wanted to try it standing up 1.2517 0.04119 151 118 28 5
1475 I flew here all the way from the bathroom. Boy, are my arms tired. 1.2516 0.04052 155 121 29 5
1476 And, to put you to sleep in record time, I'm going to recite . . . 1.2516 0.04351 155 124 23 8
1477 Humour me. 1.2516 0.04052 155 121 29 5
1478 'Twas the night before the company comedy show, and though Carol read, her husband incessantly rehearsed his stand-up in bed. 1.2516 0.04276 159 127 24 8
1479 Much to my wife's chagrin I'll be here indefinitely. 1.2516 0.03987 159 124 30 5
1480 It was sexy the first time hun, now I just wanna read my book and go to bed 1.2515 0.03828 163 126 33 4
1481 And now Goodbye to Love dedicated to the lady in glasses reading a book about love. This is for you. 1.2515 0.03718 171 132 35 4
1482 "I want to thank everyone for staying in tonight." 1.2514 0.03667 175 135 36 4
1483 Cue my voiceover, already. 1.2514 0.03869 179 141 31 7
1484 When you realize you lost your audience... 1.2513 0.03513 195 151 39 5
1485 ’thank you, thank you. You have been a great audeince’ 1.2513 0.03613 199 156 36 7
1486 Take my wife. She prefers a novel approach to sex. 1.2500 0.05455 112 92 12 8
1487 We are broadcasting from the bedroom of one of the last remaining hard copy book readers in America! 1.2500 0.03716 184 144 34 6
1488 Is this thing on? Hello? 1.2500 0.04239 144 113 26 5
1489 Stop me if you've heard this before. 1.2500 0.04123 144 112 28 4
1490 So if i'm meant to be Jerry Seinfeld, who are you ? 1.2500 0.03988 152 118 30 4
1491 Baby, you and me, got a duvet kind of love... 1.2500 0.04029 156 122 29 5
1492 I read your comments and I promise this set will put to you sleep. 1.2500 0.04239 144 113 26 5
1493 I'll be here until the divorce is final. Don't forget to tip your attorney. 1.2500 0.03999 164 129 29 6
1494 I misunderstood what you meant when you said you wanted a warm up act before the main event. 1.2500 0.04397 136 107 24 5
1495 No other husband in your women’s book group is willing to read to them in bed. Give a chance. 1.2500 0.04462 144 115 22 7
1496 I'm just prepared for your husband coming home early. 1.2500 0.03645 152 115 36 1
1497 At first, I didn’t understand why your husband wanted me to introduce him, but I get it now. 1.2500 0.04195 140 109 27 4
1498 Anyone bored in their marriage out there tonight? 1.2500 0.03989 176 140 28 8
1499 I'm here all week. Try the Ambien. 1.2500 0.04379 124 96 25 3
1500 Attention. May I have your attention please. 1.2500 0.04462 144 115 22 7
1501 Six members of the Supreme Court walk into your bedroom... 1.2500 0.04274 148 117 25 6
1502 And now... yes... she's turning the page, and here she is at page 74! 1.2500 0.04274 148 117 25 6
1503 Strangers in the Night...la, la, la, la, la. 1.2500 0.03708 164 126 35 3
1504 Remember, ‘If I can make it there, I can make it anywhere…’ 1.2500 0.04142 136 105 28 3
1505 Great Expectations”—speaking of getting married… 1.2500 0.04054 148 115 29 4
1506 This isn't even my material. 1.2500 0.04573 128 101 22 5
1507 A small heckle, that’s all I ask. 1.2500 0.04272 136 106 26 4
1508 ‘Yoo-hooo, anybody home ?’ 1.2500 0.04123 144 112 28 4
1509 And she flips the page. Now she’s at page two. Page two she reads, reads, reads…and there it is, page three, ladies and gentlemen, on her way to page four! What a game, what a sight. 1.2500 0.04483 132 104 23 5
1510 And then the comedian of Christmas future walked into the bar… 1.2500 0.03865 160 124 32 4
1511 Naomi, when I said a little nightlife... 1.2487 0.03890 193 155 28 10
1512 Anybody here single? 1.2486 0.03631 177 137 36 4
1513 THAT was FUNNY, Irene! 1.2486 0.03541 177 136 38 3
1514 You asked for a better performance…… 1.2486 0.03969 177 141 28 8
1515 When you asked for role-playing in the bedroom, I didn’t expect this. 1.2485 0.04178 169 136 24 9
1516 I don't get it. My first wife loved stand-up sex. 1.2485 0.03917 169 133 30 6
1517 You said I needed to stand up for myself more 1.2485 0.03917 169 133 30 6
1518 On the right side of the bed is one of the great bedtime story readers of all time. 1.2485 0.03978 165 130 29 6
1519 Go figure - that line was a killer at the 8 o’clock show. 1.2484 0.03844 161 125 32 4
1520 Thanks a lot. I'll be here all night. 1.2484 0.03797 157 121 33 3
1521 These are the jokes. I’ll be here all night. 1.2484 0.03742 153 117 34 2
1522 Spoiler alert, she dies at the end 1.2484 0.04278 153 122 24 7
1523 Testing, testing, you we or three. 1.2484 0.03742 153 117 34 2
1524 Don't go changing to try and please me I like your sheets the way they are" . 1.2484 0.04377 153 123 22 8
1525 Let's give it up for...Me! 1.2484 0.03965 153 119 30 4
1526 You’ve been a wonderful audience. I’ll be here for the rest of my life. 1.2484 0.03965 153 119 30 4
1527 Where are y’all from ? 1.2484 0.04072 153 120 28 5
1528 I know you're in bed but how am I different than Jon Stewart? 1.2484 0.04278 153 122 24 7
1529 And for my final number. 1.2483 0.03798 149 114 33 2
1530 Remember; tonight's cover includes a Steven King novel and a glass of warm milk ! 1.2483 0.04141 149 117 27 5
1531 This is supposed to help my performance anxiety. 1.2483 0.04213 145 114 26 5
1532 I know the road back is slow but this audience is really rough! 1.2483 0.03979 145 112 30 3
1533 It was a hard room to read. 1.2483 0.03979 145 112 30 3
1534 Just like my socks on the floor, I’ll be here all week. 1.2482 0.04289 141 111 25 5
1535 Thank you, thank you. Yes, it's great to be here in the bedroom tonight.. 1.2482 0.04405 141 112 23 6
1536 So my wife’s been reading a book on the history of glue. She just couldn’t put it down. 1.2482 0.04519 141 113 21 7
1537 Well, looks like I’m the only one who will “stand up” tonight 1.2482 0.03919 141 108 31 2
1538 You read words, I speak words, what's the difference? 1.2482 0.04244 137 107 26 4
1539 Standing like this, I agree, we should buy a new bed. Curtains too." 1.2482 0.04116 137 106 28 3
1540 ~ Existential Marital Cosplay ~ 1.2482 0.04244 137 107 26 4
1541 Last week I went to a place called the library. Anybody here ever been to the library? Cool. 1.2482 0.04244 137 107 26 4
1542 What a great crowd! I need a volunteer for this next bit... 1.2481 0.04323 133 104 25 4
1543 Thank you. I'll be here all week. In fact, I'll be here for the rest of your life. 1.2481 0.04189 133 103 27 3
1544 By special request, "Bess you ain't my woman, now" 1.2481 0.04267 129 100 26 3
1545 You really do think I'm dull in bed, don't you? 1.2481 0.04267 129 100 26 3
1546 I'll see you in my dreams 1.2481 0.04267 129 100 26 3
1547 my wife doesn't like my stand up routine 1.2480 0.04636 125 99 21 5
1548 I thought it was fiction, until he popped up in person. 1.2479 0.04588 121 95 22 4
1549 'Audible, Live! Anytime, any place! Just $29.95 per month!' 1.2470 0.03669 166 128 35 3
1550 Relax, I can explain everything. 1.2470 0.04048 166 132 27 7
1551 Isn't it funny how it isn't funny anymore? 1.2470 0.04048 166 132 27 7
1552 You said you wanted to switch things up in bed. 1.2470 0.04048 166 132 27 7
1553 I'd rather be heckled than ignored. 1.2469 0.03617 162 124 36 2
1554 I'm standing on your bed with a microphone, but you don't seem to notice me. 1.2468 0.03668 158 121 35 2
1555 You don't have to go to bed, but you can't stay here 1.2468 0.04182 158 126 25 7
1556 If you think this is bad, you should have seen my last performance in a bed. 1.2467 0.04431 150 121 21 8
1557 Thanks, you've been a great audience, tell your friends I'll be here all week. 1.2467 0.04116 150 118 27 5
1558 I want to thank you all for coming tonight. 1.2467 0.04224 150 119 25 6
1559 A guy walks into a bedroom.. 1.2467 0.04328 150 120 23 7
1560 This next one is dedicated to all the Sylvia Plath fans out there. 1.2466 0.04407 146 117 22 7
1561 Ladies and gentleman,may I have your attention please? 1.2466 0.04073 146 114 28 4
1562 I meant something like Cialis, John. 1.2465 0.03728 215 174 29 12
1563 Before I begin my apology could you at least look up and tell me if this tie goes well with this suit? 1.2465 0.04378 142 113 23 6
1564 But seriously. Is my work-at-home job affecting our relationship? 1.2465 0.04490 142 114 21 7
1565 Thank you! I’m here every night this week and every week after that…” 1.2465 0.04143 142 111 27 4
1566 I thought you said you wanted ‘one night stand up’ 1.2465 0.04021 142 110 29 3
1567 What's the deal with monkeys on the bed? 1.2465 0.04378 142 113 23 6
1568 In public speaking, the most powerful people make use of storytelling. Dear—give me a story. 1.2464 0.04692 138 112 18 8
1569 Stand up comics and late night readers make strange bedfellows. 1.2464 0.04341 138 109 24 5
1570 My little blue pill and I are here all night. 1.2464 0.04341 138 109 24 5
1571 Really? To Kill a Mockingbird in the middle of my set? That’s harsh, Joanne. 1.2464 0.04461 138 110 22 6
1572 Did I ever tell you the one about the stand-up comedian's wife? 1.2464 0.04578 138 111 20 7
1573 I said, ‘AM I STANDING ON YOUR FOOT?’! 1.2464 0.04217 138 108 26 4
1574 Okay, a narcoleptic librarian sleepwalks into a bar... 1.2463 0.04162 134 104 27 3
1575 I’ve heard of tough rooms, but this is ridiculous 1.2463 0.04424 134 106 23 5
1576 I'd like to have a word about your earplugs, dear. 1.2463 0.04424 134 106 23 5
1577 Honey, I’m dying up here … 1.2462 0.03785 195 156 30 9
1578 I hate comedy. 1.2462 0.04377 130 102 24 4
1579 I'll be here all week...and for the rest of your life. 1.2462 0.04511 130 103 22 5
1580 I'll be here for the rest of my life... 1.2460 0.04169 126 97 27 2
1581 As we say every night, "Good night moon; good night lady whispering hush" 1.2460 0.04169 126 97 27 2
1582 So my wife told me to get a hobby. 1.2460 0.03852 126 95 31 0
1583 Now you don’t laugh at me in bed 1.2460 0.03892 187 150 28 9
1584 How about you miss in the front? Are you happily married? 1.2459 0.04247 122 94 26 2
1585 And don't get me started about my wife. We haven't had sex since Jimmy Fallon turned into a haunted doll. 1.2455 0.04115 167 134 25 8
1586 This has been a difficult chapter in my life. 1.2455 0.03935 167 132 29 6
1587 Is this what you meant by being more spontaneous? 1.2452 0.04229 155 124 24 7
1588 Did you hear me? I've got leeches on my pajamas! 1.2452 0.03812 155 120 32 3
1589 Well, at least your comedy can still stand up 1.2452 0.04229 155 124 24 7
1590 Tell me when you want to switch to the audio version. 1.2450 0.03512 151 114 37 0
1591 Here's Johnny. 1.2450 0.03983 151 118 29 4
1592 Did you get to the part where the frustrated husband turns out to be a delusional speaker and a serial killer? 1.2450 0.03871 151 117 31 3
1593 I am the ghost of Christmas jest. 1.2450 0.04199 151 120 25 6
1594 I tell ya, I don’t get no respect 1.2450 0.04404 151 122 21 8
1595 You are stealing my spotlight, dear. 1.2449 0.03688 147 112 34 1
1596 Have you heard the one about the single women, lonely, who gave up on looking for love for knowledge?” “I’m standing on her bed right now” 1.2449 0.04162 147 116 26 5
1597 I’d like to toast our 20th anniversary 1.2449 0.03812 147 113 32 2
1598 I did think it was funny. I just can't laugh and read at the same time. 1.2449 0.04273 147 117 24 6
1599 Since this book fetish, it's gotten harder to get your attention." 1.2448 0.03997 143 111 29 3
1600 Is this on? 1.2448 0.04351 143 114 23 6
1601 If you're so funny, think of a good caption. 1.2448 0.03871 143 110 31 2
1602 I said, The Crowd erupted in laughter! 1.2448 0.04118 143 112 27 4
1603 Is this thing turned on? 1.2446 0.04190 139 109 26 4
1604 I thought you said you wanted a stand-up guy 1.2446 0.04313 139 110 24 5
1605 Welcome to the latest innovation in audio books. 1.2446 0.04064 139 108 28 3
1606 This microphone either isn’t connected to anything or the cable is running through a hole in the quilt. 1.2446 0.03799 139 106 32 1
1607 I'd like to thank you for spending the evening with me. 1.2446 0.04313 139 110 24 5
1608 No, I’m not giving you the spotlight. 1.2446 0.04064 139 108 28 3
1609 On the suggestion of their therapist, the Smiths agreed to role-play Dave’s humiliation fantasy in the bedroom. 1.2446 0.04432 139 111 22 6
1610 Late night thought: “is my life a stand up comedy where nobody laughs?” 1.2446 0.04313 139 110 24 5
1611 It's quarter to three. There's no one in the place except you and me. 1.2444 0.03999 135 104 29 2
1612 This is the part of the show where I like to turn the lights up and see if any of you would like to know how my day went. 1.2444 0.04518 135 108 21 6
1613 I stand before you a desperate man 1.2444 0.04394 135 107 23 5
1614 What did I tell you about shoes on the bed 1.2444 0.04518 135 108 21 6
1615 If this is your best fantasy, you need a better book. 1.2443 0.04068 131 101 28 2
1616 ...and that's my time. Goodnight, everybody. Sweet dreams! 1.2443 0.04210 131 102 26 3
1617 I just walked in from the kitchen and damn my feet are killing me! 1.2442 0.03767 172 135 32 5
1618 The sentient mold germinating on Coleen’s bedside table despised Jerry’s hack attempts at comedy. The sentient mold germinating on Coleen’s bedside table felt like Coleen should be allowed to read a fucking novel before bed in peace. 1.2441 0.04432 127 100 23 4
1619 May I have your attention, please! 1.2441 0.04571 127 101 21 5
1620 I need attention 1.2441 0.04706 127 102 19 6
1621 Comedy isn't pretty, but you are! 1.2441 0.04432 127 100 23 4
1622 Stop reading the news. I’m leaving today 1.2441 0.04964 127 104 15 8
1623 This next number is from my sexless life series. 1.2441 0.04432 127 100 23 4
1624 the trick is if you start feeling nervous just picture me naked 1.2440 0.03823 168 132 31 5
1625 Would you pay attention if I stopped drinking? 1.2439 0.04159 164 132 24 8
1626 But if I wait until you finish the chapter, my time will be up. 1.2439 0.04667 123 98 20 5
1627 Feel free to shut your eyes. This is my bedtime routine. 1.2437 0.03735 160 124 33 3
1628 What going to the comedy club was like during COVID 1.2437 0.04039 160 127 27 6
1629 It's a real honor to be invited back to host the third annual Bed Bug Awards. 1.2437 0.04039 160 127 27 6
1630 Hello... Is anybody out there? 1.2437 0.04460 119 93 23 3
1631 I gotta tell ya, this late night crowd is tough. 1.2436 0.03791 156 121 32 3
1632 A funny thing happened to me on my way to the show tonight... 1.2435 0.04553 115 90 22 3
1633 The therapist did say I needed to stand up for myself. 1.2435 0.04383 115 89 24 2
1634 Your Tinder profile said you were looking for someone who could perform in bed. 1.2434 0.03629 189 149 34 6
1635 Would it matter if I said I’ll be here all week? 1.2432 0.04247 148 118 24 6
1636 Whaddya mean I have performance issues? 1.2432 0.04137 148 117 26 5
1637 Yeah, I get no respect. My wife for example, she always acts like I'm not even in the same room. 1.2432 0.03790 148 114 32 2
1638 Why can you never win against a beetroot? Because they are un-beet-able! 1.2432 0.04137 148 117 26 5
1639 Are you avoiding me? 1.2432 0.04025 148 116 28 4
1640 Come to me my literary baby... 1.2432 0.04137 148 117 26 5
1641 Hmmm, tough crowd! 1.2431 0.03729 181 143 32 6
1642 You're the one who wanted more humor in our relationship. 1.2431 0.04093 144 113 27 4
1643 You're really a captive audience! 1.2431 0.04210 144 114 25 5
1644 I'm usually better in bed. 1.2431 0.04324 144 115 23 6
1645 I’m here until Thursday. 1.2431 0.03972 144 112 29 3
1646 Management just informed me this will be my last night here. 1.2429 0.04286 140 111 24 5
1647 I’d like the audience to know why I’m here tonight. 1.2429 0.04404 140 112 22 6
1648 So, as I was saying, I would like to take this opportunity, if you will be so kind, to express what I’ve been thinking for awhile, that it is always, well almost always, to get directly to the point. 1.2429 0.04164 140 110 26 4
1649 Why do I even try to compete with a Jodi Picoult novel? 1.2428 0.03748 173 136 32 5
1650 But honey, you said you wanted to liven up our nightly audio books.. 1.2428 0.03748 173 136 32 5
1651 ?You still have fifteen minutes to get to the polls. 1.2426 0.04109 136 106 27 3
1652 Someone who is very familiar to you, our first guest, Fluffy the cat, will cuddle up next to you and present to you, a fur ball. 1.2426 0.04366 136 108 23 5
1653 Just keep reading, maybe he hasn't seen me 1.2426 0.04239 136 107 25 4
1654 I'm next on the book list, right? 1.2426 0.03894 169 134 29 6
1655 This isn't what you meant when you wanted standup? 1.2426 0.03709 169 132 33 4
1656 And the Oscar for best bedtime reader without a sex life goes to... 1.2424 0.04578 132 106 20 6
1657 Last time I bombed this bad we had to fumigate the house! 1.2424 0.04041 132 102 28 2
1658 And she’s coming into the home stretch now- 20 pages, 19, 18- this has been amazing to listen to, hasn’t it? We’re almost at the part we’ve been eagerly awaiting- the Acknowledgements. 1.2422 0.04386 161 132 19 10
1659 Good evening, thank you for your warm welcome. 1.2422 0.03918 161 127 29 5
1660 For the last time, honey, you’re not going to be the next host of The Daily Show. 1.2422 0.04016 161 128 27 6
1661 C’mon, Hon, the divorce party was your idea. We really need to work on our toasts. 1.2422 0.04539 128 102 21 5
1662 No, not this kind of bedroom performance. 1.2422 0.04401 128 101 23 4
1663 Attention, attention, your book is overdue 1.2422 0.04259 128 100 25 3
1664 The way married people learn to ignore each other just defies description. Am I right? 1.2422 0.04539 128 102 21 5
1665 Honey, it happens to a lot of guys. Heckling does not help. 1.2422 0.04539 128 102 21 5
1666 Am I to conclude that you no longer want to help me with my stand up routine?” 1.2422 0.04401 128 101 23 4
1667 And now coming to you from the principal bedroom is Mauve Binchy reading a Stephen King novel. 1.2422 0.04401 128 101 23 4
1668 I just flew in flew in, and boy is my wife tired. 1.2422 0.04673 128 103 19 6
1669 And as you can see, Ladies and Gentlemen, my life if just a bed of Rose's. 1.2421 0.03689 190 151 32 7
1670 So, am I an encore or an epilogue?" 1.2420 0.03980 157 124 28 5
1671 She doesn't like my performance in bed 1.2420 0.03876 157 123 30 4
1672 Chapter 1. A comedian stood alone on a darkened stage, armed with nothing but his wit and a glass of scotch.... 1.2419 0.04341 124 97 24 3
1673 I’ll be here all week. And judging by the rate you’re turning those pages so will you. 1.2417 0.04583 120 95 21 4
1674 I don't have to read it. I know it by heart. 1.2417 0.04427 120 94 23 3
1675 I feel like you're standing me up. 1.2416 0.04001 149 117 28 4
1676 I’m going to take our sex life to stand up since it’s such a joke 1.2416 0.04001 149 117 28 4
1677 Ni, Elon, she is reading what is called a ‘book’, and is not Tweeting, anymore. Get used to it! 1.2414 0.03729 174 137 32 5
1678 Thank you. Thank you. I’ll be here all night. 1.2414 0.04068 145 114 27 4
1679 And now, please welcome ... the Chippendales! Anyone? Anyone? 1.2414 0.03825 145 112 31 2
1680 It's good to be back here with the late night audience again. 1.2411 0.04376 141 113 22 6
1681 I really appreciate you coming out tonight 1.2411 0.04376 141 113 22 6
1682 I asked for brutal feedback but this is demoralizing. 1.2411 0.04138 141 111 26 4
1683 You like my pillow? I’m the MY PILLOW guy.” 1.2411 0.03753 141 108 32 1
1684 If you're leaving the lights on I'm doing karaoke! 1.2411 0.03753 141 108 32 1
1685 Can I get a suggestion from the audience other than “Get dome sleep”? 1.2411 0.04138 141 111 26 4
1686 My next one is a cover of”Turn, Turn, Turn” 1.2410 0.03839 166 131 30 5
1687 Sorry ma’am, you had the option for Clooney or McConaughey…I’ll have to do for this book… 1.2410 0.03542 166 128 36 2
1688 I assume you don't want anything more than one night stand 1.2409 0.04459 137 110 21 6
1689 My monologue has been known to put people to sleep. 1.2409 0.03949 137 106 29 2
1690 So my wife goes to see her new gynecologist. The doctor asks 'Are you sexually active?' She says: 'No, I just lie there.' 1.2409 0.04694 137 112 17 8
1691 I'm sorry to be boring you but I'm doing as you asked and trying to entertain you in bed. 1.2409 0.04082 137 107 27 3
1692 Well, I always thought my audience is well read 1.2409 0.04212 137 108 25 4
1693 How do you expect me to please you if you read during foreplay? 1.2407 0.04089 162 130 25 7
1694 That concludes episode 3. 1.2407 0.03695 162 126 33 3
1695 Strangers in the Night... 1.2406 0.04420 133 106 22 5
1696 Testing, 1-2-3. 1.2406 0.04015 133 103 28 2
1697 I dedicate this next song to the mother of my children, my best friend, and lover who is so close, and yet, so far away. 1.2406 0.04154 133 104 26 3
1698 Can you at least fake like you're enjoying it? 1.2406 0.04420 133 106 22 5
1699 Tough crowd for the midnight show. 1.2406 0.04420 133 106 22 5
1700 You're not concerned about my performance? 1.2406 0.04015 133 103 28 2
1701 And this isn’t even the funniest thing you do in bed 1.2406 0.04420 133 106 22 5
1702 What’s the deal with that book 1.2406 0.04289 133 105 24 4
1703 I don’t know how to communicate with you anymore. 1.2405 0.03855 158 124 30 4
1704 It was the best of times; It was the worst of times…… 1.2403 0.04371 129 102 23 4
1705 My agent also books male strippers, it's not too late to call him. 1.2403 0.04230 129 101 25 3
1706 How 'bout this one. F O U R Irishmen walked out of a bar. 1.2403 0.04230 129 101 25 3
1707 Why do you always take my doing standup lying down? 1.2403 0.04230 129 101 25 3
1708 Have I been stood up? 1.2403 0.04230 129 101 25 3
1709 Is this mic on? 1.2403 0.04371 129 102 23 4
1710 Has anyone here tonight ever told their partner that a sense of humor is sexy? 1.2403 0.03915 154 121 29 4
1711 Sorry this is my first one night stand-up. 1.2403 0.03915 154 121 29 4
1712 So, how do you like me so far?....rimshot.." 1.2400 0.04197 150 120 24 6
1713 I still don't understand this role playing fantasy. 1.2400 0.03746 150 116 32 2
1714 How I am taking Shakespeare too literally?" 1.2400 0.03978 150 118 28 4
1715 Um, Carol? Are you ready for the punchline? 1.2400 0.04458 125 99 22 4
1716 I'm thinking, skip the comedy routine and get right to the magic act. 1.2400 0.04600 125 100 20 5
1717 I’d say inattention is the most sincerely form of heckling? 1.2400 0.04158 125 97 26 2
1718 Hello? Hello? Is this thing on? 1.2400 0.03746 150 116 32 2
1719 Günther Never was particularly good at pillow talk 1.2400 0.03978 150 118 28 4
1720 I know I keep bringing my work home with me. 1.2397 0.03676 146 112 33 1
1721 A man walks into his wife's bedroom... 1.2397 0.04043 146 115 27 4
1722 honey, i told you. i’m not gonna take this lying down! 1.2397 0.04043 146 115 27 4
1723 So my wife told me I need to improve my performance in bed... 1.2397 0.04043 146 115 27 4
1724 But enough about me, how was your day at work? 1.2397 0.04395 121 95 23 3
1725 Did you not tell me I needed to improve my performance in the bedroom? 1.2397 0.04395 121 95 23 3
1726 I guess I'm not getting laid tonight. 1.2397 0.04549 121 96 21 4
1727 I know Green Eggs and Ham is your favorite, but would you like me off the bed, would you like be dressed in red? Would you could you in the dark? 1.2397 0.04698 121 97 19 5
1728 But you’ve always said I’m a stand-up kind of guy. 1.2394 0.03989 142 111 28 3
1729 I remember a time when we used to do other things in bed. 1.2394 0.04232 142 113 24 5
1730 That's fine, I'll wait. I'm here all night. 1.2394 0.04232 142 113 24 5
1731 Is this 6 feet away? 1.2394 0.04232 142 113 24 5
1732 I’m an alcoholic. 1.2394 0.04232 142 113 24 5
1733 Anyone here from out of wedlock? 1.2394 0.04462 142 115 20 7
1734 Deeper? I thought you said louder. 1.2394 0.04462 142 115 20 7
1735 And to all, a Good Night. 1.2391 0.04056 138 108 27 3
1736 How we feeling tonight? 1.2391 0.04056 138 108 27 3
1737 Try the veal… 1.2391 0.04185 138 109 25 4
1738 Hay! I'm dying here! 1.2391 0.04430 138 111 21 6
1739 Tonight's silent treatment is brought to you by Audible. 1.2391 0.04185 138 109 25 4
1740 Thank you. 1.2391 0.04548 138 112 19 7
1741 The election's not for two more years, Ralph. Would you practice in the den, I'm trying to read. 1.2390 0.04133 159 128 24 7
1742 Have I told you the one about the donkey and the frog? 1.2388 0.04261 134 106 24 4
1743 Talk about a tough crowd. 1.2388 0.03989 134 104 28 2
1744 Wow my thoughts are so loud it's like there's another person in this room 1.2388 0.04391 134 107 22 5
1745 Waiting for Mike to drop 1.2387 0.04203 155 125 23 7
1746 Thanks, you've been a wonderful audience. I'll be here all week. Try the veal. 1.2387 0.04203 155 125 23 7
1747 Dave, I don’t think stand-up comedy is your thing. 1.2387 0.03783 155 121 31 3
1748 Little help here? You know I've got performance issues. 1.2387 0.03671 155 120 33 2
1749 This monologue is also directed at my wife. 1.2387 0.03999 155 123 27 5
1750 Now lemme tell ya 'bout chapter 7... 1.2386 0.03692 176 139 32 5
1751 Anything on there on how to approve my act? 1.2385 0.04859 109 87 18 4
1752 Okay, I see your point: an opening act isn’t foreplay. 1.2385 0.04202 130 102 25 3
1753 Well, looks like you're not in the mood for standup. 1.2385 0.04057 130 101 27 2
1754 Our marriage is a joke. 1.2385 0.04202 130 102 25 3
1755 My therapist thinks I need to try new things. So I tried my wife's cooking. How do you burn fruit salad? 1.2385 0.04477 130 104 21 5
1756 Where are you from? 1.2385 0.04608 130 105 19 6
1757 Hey great to see everyone here tonight! Thanks for coming out! Remember, past performance doesn’t predict future results…and hey a shout out to Jane the brain Austen. 1.2384 0.04378 151 123 20 8
1758 Thank you for purchasing the new Audible 3D experience.” 1.2384 0.03954 151 119 28 4
1759 I don't wanna spoil the ending for you...but the comic kills. 1.2384 0.03652 172 135 33 4
1760 I want more than just a one night stand-up. 1.2381 0.04245 147 118 23 6
1761 I just flew in from Kansas and boy, are my arms tired! Why do bees hum? Because they don't know the words. Is this thing on? Wake my wife...please! 1.2381 0.04704 126 102 18 6
1762 A book lover never goes to bed alone! 1.2381 0.04426 126 100 22 4
1763 You’ve been a great audience. I’ll be here all week. 1.2378 0.03656 164 128 33 3
1764 Take my wife . . . may I? 1.2378 0.03965 143 112 28 3
1765 ... testing ... testing ... is this on? 1.2378 0.04321 143 115 22 6
1766 Let's face it folks: I get no respect. 1.2378 0.04087 143 113 26 4
1767 I don’t read a lot myself, I can’t even read the room.. 1.2378 0.04206 143 114 24 5
1768 Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think this nerdy, repressed, bookworm and 1950's era sexist 'comic' cosplaying is working out too well. 1.2377 0.04516 122 97 21 4
1769 I'm sorry my jokes aren't funny. But you get big laughs from Nietzsche? 1.2377 0.04807 122 99 17 6
1770 It's so odd that you read in bed. 1.2376 0.03538 181 142 35 4
1771 I'd like to start tonight with a toast. 1.2375 0.04013 160 128 26 6
1772 Don't get me wrong—I'm happy for the work even though it is just as a sleep aid. 1.2374 0.04282 139 111 23 5
1773 ?Some Enchanted Evening… 1.2374 0.04282 139 111 23 5
1774 I thought we could use a little levity in the bedroom. 1.2374 0.04158 139 110 25 4
1775 Sorry lady I only do bathroom humor 1.2373 0.04451 118 93 22 3
1776 Soooo, this is NOT what you were hoping for in upping my performance in bed? 1.2373 0.04113 118 91 26 1
1777 How many ways do I have to say “I’m sorry”? 1.2372 0.04179 156 126 23 7
1778 I’d like to thank the Academy… 1.2372 0.04079 156 125 25 6
1779 When they said it was time to put my standup routine to bed this isn’t quite what I’d envisioned 1.2372 0.04079 156 125 25 6
1780 And thanks to my beautiful wife for her constant attention and support for what I do,,, 1.2370 0.04233 135 107 24 4
1781 When your book comes with an accompanist 1.2370 0.04233 135 107 24 4
1782 Who’s the joke now, Cheryl? 1.2370 0.04608 135 110 18 7
1783 I suppose you wonder why I called you here tonight ..... 1.2368 0.04147 152 122 24 6
1784 I swear it will not happen again 1.2368 0.04370 114 89 23 2
1785 Any Seuss fans out there? 1.2368 0.04370 114 89 23 2
1786 Before I close tonight I’d like to remind everyone that I’m here every night until the mortgage is paid off, so feel free to come back any night, and bring a friend. 1.2368 0.04370 114 89 23 2
1787 Wouldn’t it be easier to just subscribe to Audible? 1.2368 0.04147 152 122 24 6
1788 HER thought: Really shouldn't read too much into this guy's performance. 1.2367 0.03778 169 134 30 5
1789 You know my love language is all the attention. 1.2366 0.04174 131 103 25 3
1790 Hello? Hello? Can you hear me now? 1.2366 0.04312 131 104 23 4
1791 I thought stepping on your feet would get your attention. Works at the bar. 1.2366 0.04174 131 103 25 3
1792 Welcome to your book reader trial. If you don’t cancel in 30 days, we’ll make it easy by billing your credit card monthly forever. 1.2366 0.04174 131 103 25 3
1793 Please join me in raising a glass to the happy couple. 1.2366 0.04174 131 103 25 3
1794 And that’s why a right to privacy is not in the Constitution. 1.2365 0.03878 148 116 29 3
1795 Hello? Is the mic on?"...Yeah, like I was saying, so my wife told me she wanted me to be more entertaining in the bedroom. Know what I mean? 1.2365 0.03878 148 116 29 3
1796 Marriage is like a book. Mysteries are found between the covers. 1.2365 0.04219 148 119 23 6
1797 Not to make a blanket statement, but you never concentrate on me. 1.2365 0.04219 148 119 23 6
1798 Great to be here tonight. Are you from out of town, ma'am? 1.2365 0.04326 148 120 21 7
1799 So, any single ladies in the house? 1.2365 0.04108 148 118 25 5
1800 Hello…hello…testing 123, is this thing on? 1.2365 0.04108 148 118 25 5
1801 Honey, we need to talk 1.2364 0.03834 165 131 29 5
1802 …to get to the other side! Hello? Is this thing on? 1.2364 0.03929 165 132 27 6
1803 Wow, it's a really tough audience tonight. 1.2362 0.04251 127 100 24 3
1804 If you enjoyed that set, stick around for the midnight show when the material gets a little sexier. 1.2362 0.04395 127 101 22 4
1805 Now, if you turn to page 35 of your policy, I will address any concerns you may have regarding your privacy rights. 1.2362 0.04671 127 103 18 6
1806 It looks like our Audiobooks account has expired. 1.2362 0.04395 127 101 22 4
1807 But I only have eyes for you 1.2362 0.04395 127 101 22 4
1808 Was it good for you? 1.2362 0.04395 127 101 22 4
1809 Well, thanks for coming out tonight... 1.2362 0.04101 127 99 26 2
1810 I just flew in from your narrative, and boy are my tropes tired. 1.2362 0.04535 127 102 20 5
1811 I know you wanted to role play Handsome Librarian where I don't talk and you just read, but Bombing Comedian felt more apropos. 1.2362 0.04395 127 101 22 4
1812 I SAID, give it up for our host! 1.2362 0.04535 127 102 20 5
1813 What are you reading? 1.2361 0.04294 144 116 22 6
1814 So, you think I'm funny... 1.2361 0.03815 144 112 30 2
1815 We're not that different. You read books. I read the room. 1.2361 0.04062 144 114 26 4
1816 You prefer the Booker prize winner to me? 1.2361 0.04180 144 115 24 5
1817 Ok, how about I text you good night? 1.2361 0.04180 144 115 24 5
1818 Any out-of-towners in the audience tonight? 1.2360 0.04087 161 130 24 7
1819 My wife's so into me, my voice narrates all her novels. 1.2357 0.03875 140 109 29 2
1820 All the bed's a stage. 1.2357 0.04132 140 111 25 4
1821 Testing, Testing, 1, 2, 3, Testing 1.2357 0.03741 157 123 31 3
1822 Please don't ignore me. You know I'm always available! 1.2357 0.03741 157 123 31 3
1823 Your mother sent me to remind you to call her and to sit up straight 1.2356 0.03615 174 137 33 4
1824 Any ladies whose dreams have faded in the house tonight? 1.2353 0.03797 136 105 30 1
1825 so anyway my wife really loves to read, it's like i am not in the room she gets so into it 1.2353 0.04418 119 94 22 3
1826 I narrate by the hour, so you may want to read faster! 1.2353 0.04333 136 109 22 5
1827 "As your elected representative, here's a quick rundown of the kind of behavior we find acceptable in here." 1.2353 0.04074 136 107 26 3
1828 Could you put down your book for a few minutes, dear. Our marriage counselor told me you really like karaoke. 1.2353 0.04457 136 110 20 6
1829 It's always good to be back here in bed with you... 1.2353 0.04205 136 108 24 4
1830 My agent booked this gig. 1.2353 0.03797 136 105 30 1
1831 Well, that's the end of my time, you've been a terrific audience 1.2353 0.04074 136 107 26 3
1832 OK, we’re at the point in the show where someone in the audience is invited to join me in getting naked. 1.2353 0.04027 170 138 24 8
1833 I'm just trying to be a stand up guy 1.2353 0.03905 119 91 28 0
1834 …thank you for listening to Audible Live… #audible 1.2353 0.04226 153 124 22 7
1835 Anyone from Poughkeepsie here tonight? 1.2349 0.04193 149 120 23 6
1836 Did you hear the one about the guy who said “Love means never having to say you’re sorry” to his wife? 1.2349 0.03855 149 117 29 3
1837 You're just too good to be true. 1.2348 0.04416 132 106 21 5
1838 Please stand for the singing of our national anthem before nighty-night time. 1.2348 0.04146 132 104 25 3
1839 I wonder if Seinfeld has nights like this? 1.2348 0.04283 132 105 23 4
1840 What’s happened to us? We never make comedy anymore. 1.2348 0.04545 132 107 19 6
1841 Just buy the audio book next time. 1.2348 0.04416 132 106 21 5
1842 Testing.... Testing. Norma, I was expecting a little more enthusiasm on our wedding night. 1.2345 0.04268 145 117 22 6
1843 I'm here all week, two shows a night. Be sure and bring your friends. 1.2345 0.04154 145 116 24 5
1844 HUSBAND TO WIFE, CALLING HUSBAND TO WIFE , COME IN PLEASE!! 1.2345 0.04154 145 116 24 5
1845 Put down the audio book - I’m your video book. 1.2345 0.04154 145 116 24 5
1846 So as I get set to retire again let me just say ....... 1.2345 0.03916 145 114 28 3
1847 No respect, I tell ya. 1.2345 0.04037 145 115 26 4
1848 Did you reach the chapter on the G-spot? 1.2345 0.04268 145 117 22 6
1849 Glad you could come out tonight. 1.2345 0.04486 145 119 18 8
1850 I won't hold my breath for a standing ovation." 1.2344 0.04221 128 101 24 3
1851 a special request 1.2344 0.04073 128 100 26 2
1852 So doc, did you hear the one about the comedian and the orthopedist? One couldn't get a laugh, the other couldn't get a break. 1.2344 0.04073 128 100 26 2
1853 Any visitors from out of town? 1.2342 0.04032 158 127 25 6
1854 So, a guy comes home from a bar, and his wife...oh, I see you've already heard this one. 1.2340 0.04106 141 112 25 4
1855 We are in the home stretch ladies and gentlemen. Two pages to go and she will know the answer to the age old question. 1.2340 0.04227 141 113 23 5
1856 …and, I especially want to thank my wife for her unfailing interest in and support for my work. 1.2340 0.03851 141 110 29 2
1857 Now some Stand-Up Comedy so Bedtime is not the Same-Old, Same-Old Routine. 1.2339 0.04451 124 99 21 4
1858 Hello? Can you hear me in the back? 1.2339 0.04737 124 101 17 6
1859 This one is for all you loners out there.. 1.2338 0.03775 154 121 30 3
1860 Sadly this is only way I can get some sleep these days 1.2338 0.04099 154 124 24 6
1861 You said you wanted to pillow talk right? 1.2336 0.04664 137 113 16 8
1862 Is any one in the audience from my home bedroom? 1.2336 0.04305 137 110 22 5
1863 Anyone here tonight married? 1.2336 0.03913 137 107 28 2
1864 You might wonder why I’ve called us all together. 1.2336 0.04178 137 109 24 4
1865 I consider myself,the luckiest man man man, on the face of the earth earth earth. 1.2336 0.04178 137 109 24 4
1866 Is that light for me or you? 1.2336 0.04048 137 108 26 3
1867 Wife wants me to start working from home, but she knows I can't perform in bed 1.2336 0.04428 137 111 20 6
1868 I distinctly remember you saying, "funny is sexy. 1.2333 0.04543 120 96 20 4
1869 And here is the last person on Earth reading a traditional book. 1.2333 0.03948 150 119 27 4
1870 Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to announce that I will again be pleasuring myself this evening. 1.2333 0.04543 120 96 20 4
1871 I know you're not expecting much, but tonight you're in for a more memorable four minutes. 1.2331 0.04225 163 134 20 9
1872 I swear, I’m a real stand up guy. 1.2331 0.04118 133 105 25 3
1873 Should I use my invisibility for good, or for evil? 1.2331 0.04639 133 109 17 7
1874 This next bit is about mansplaining 1.2331 0.03977 133 104 27 2
1875 This guy gets off the train in Cleveland… 1.2329 0.04241 146 118 22 6
1876 I have a mistress who’d rather have sex than read a book. 1.2329 0.04128 146 117 24 5
1877 My Reoccurring Nightmare … My ExHusband “The Stand Up Comedian” Works out his new material 1.2329 0.04128 146 117 24 5
1878 So, anybody here from out of town? 1.2328 0.04952 116 95 15 6
1879 The big surprise is on page 20. She learns to love reading again after years of listening to podcasts. 1.2327 0.03591 159 124 33 2
1880 Folks, it’s true. She’ s off the phone and reading a book! 1.2326 0.04335 129 103 22 4
1881 A priest, a rabbi and a failing marriage walk into a bar... 1.2326 0.04045 129 101 26 2
1882 She turns the page—speeds through the next and yes! It looks like Sheilas gonna finish this one tonight! 1.2326 0.04472 129 104 20 5
1883 Is she going to hit her 2022 reading goal?!?!" 1.2326 0.04735 129 106 16 7
1884 So - where are you from? 1.2324 0.03956 142 112 27 3
1885 I'd rather buy you the Audible version. 1.2324 0.03956 142 112 27 3
1886 Honey, it's almost like you don't want me to succeed! 1.2324 0.03827 142 111 29 2
1887 That's what she said! 1.2323 0.03971 155 124 26 5
1888 It's called foreplay honey 1.2323 0.03754 155 122 30 3
1889 Were you stationed at Camp LeJeune between 1953 and 1988? If so you could be owed significant compensation 1.2321 0.04909 112 91 16 5
1890 he's one stand-up guy 1.2320 0.03601 181 144 32 5
1891 Let's see. What else... 1.2320 0.04563 125 101 19 5
1892 I'm hereby resigning to spend less time with my family. 1.2320 0.03957 125 97 27 1
1893 Hi everyone,it's getting late and we're all a little tired,so I'll try to keep this short. 1.2320 0.04419 125 100 21 4
1894 What's the deal with our marriage? 1.2319 0.04277 138 111 22 5
1895 I thought you wanted a solid 5 minutes? 1.2319 0.04022 138 109 26 3
1896 Now, before I bring out Larry the Cable Guy.... 1.2319 0.04151 138 110 24 4
1897 Why don't you act like a Romanian and give your Bucharest! 1.2319 0.04151 138 110 24 4
1898 I take it you're not interested in the personalized free Audible trial? 1.2319 0.04277 138 111 22 5
1899 „Okay, this is what I’am after 3 years of my covid lockdown tour.“ 1.2319 0.04399 138 112 20 6
1900 Dorothy reads up on how to stop her dad drinking, singing and standing on furniture. 1.2318 0.04144 151 122 23 6
1901 Take my wife, please! Is this thing on? 1.2316 0.03737 177 142 29 6
1902 Figures. You haven't like anything else I've tried in bed. 1.2314 0.04025 121 94 26 1
1903 Shouldn't have ordered an audiobook 1.2314 0.04192 121 95 24 2
1904 Please put the hymn book down ma’am. I work alone. 1.2313 0.04226 134 107 23 4
1905 My wife hogs the pillows and comforter so much I have to wear a down feather suit to bed 1.2313 0.04484 134 109 19 6
1906 Attention; in exactly 30 minutes foreplay will commence. 1.2313 0.04226 134 107 23 4
1907 When I suggested we go to bed together, this was not what I had in mind! 1.2313 0.04091 134 106 25 3
1908 This is a song about some sheep 1.2313 0.03952 134 105 27 2
1909 She hadn’t realized bringing main character energy would include a narrator. 1.2313 0.04091 134 106 25 3
1910 Still can’t get your attention? 1.2313 0.04215 147 119 22 6
1911 When you won’t go to your husband’s comedy show 1.2313 0.04103 147 118 24 5
1912 At least I’m trying to improve my performance in the bedroom. 1.2312 0.03987 160 129 25 6
1913 Well, at least I don't have to say, 'You could be at home right now.' 1.2312 0.03680 160 126 31 3
1914 Suddenly, the horrors of the book lept off the page and onto the bed in front of her. 1.2312 0.04085 160 130 23 7
1915 So this is what my agent meant by 'an exclusive gig at a bed and breakfast'. 1.2308 0.04025 169 138 23 8
1916 OK Helen, but this is the last audio book for tonight. 1.2308 0.04055 143 114 25 4
1917 Glad to be here tonight! I see that some of you are just here for the drinks 1.2308 0.03931 143 113 27 3
1918 Here’s one… What’s black and white and read all over again? 1.2308 0.04305 130 104 22 4
1919 Did you use Ticketmaster’s dynamic pricing algorithm? 1.2308 0.04052 156 126 24 6
1920 Take my wife...and her goddamn book club, please. 1.2308 0.04305 130 104 22 4
1921 Yes, drinking does help my performance anxiety. 1.2308 0.03733 156 123 30 3
1922 I bombed last night but tonight I think I'll kill. 1.2308 0.04305 130 104 22 4
1923 Welcome to the Comedy Bed. I'll be here all night. 1.2308 0.04604 117 94 19 4
1924 It looks like I'm the closer for the open mic tonight. 1.2308 0.04096 117 91 25 1
1925 Nightstand comedy! Brought to you by Insomnia, so funny the sheep forgot to laugh. 1.2308 0.03846 169 136 27 6
1926 So miss where abouts are you from? 1.2308 0.04174 143 115 23 5
1927 Don’t think that book needs no introduction! 1.2303 0.03788 152 120 29 3
1928 I guess it is funnier when you tell it… 1.2303 0.04119 152 123 23 6
1929 Welcome to books read live in bed...It was a lazy Sunday. The skies were filled with... 1.2302 0.03864 139 109 28 2
1930 Before you slip into unconsciousness, I'd like to have another kiss. 1.2302 0.04125 139 111 24 4
1931 As always,audience participation is encouraged. 1.2302 0.03996 139 110 26 3
1932 spoiler alert on chapter three 1.2302 0.04249 139 112 22 5
1933 Is She Reading My Story, Again? 1.2302 0.04088 126 99 25 2
1934 No! But you said you only wanted to bring the musical bits to life. Now I gotta do the dishes too?! 1.2302 0.04241 126 100 23 3
1935 Look at this girl, pretending she doesn't care. What's your name, ma'am? 1.2302 0.04388 126 101 21 4
1936 So...'I've got a headache'...I could probably do an hour on this subject. 1.2301 0.04171 113 88 24 1
1937 I really don't know where this foreplay is going. 1.2299 0.03680 187 151 29 7
1938 Dear , can you atleast flip your book right side up ! 1.2298 0.03659 161 127 31 3
1939 I said I'm sorry 1.2297 0.04298 148 121 20 7
1940 When I was called in about a 'late night show' this isn't what I had in mind... 1.2297 0.04298 148 121 20 7
1941 Just don’t tell me how it ends alright 1.2297 0.04078 148 119 24 5
1942 And that's my speech. What did you think? Uh, Hon? 1.2296 0.03926 135 106 27 2
1943 I’d like to dedicate this next song to my wife who is back home in bed right now just waiting for me to come home and make sweet sweet love to her all night long. 1.2296 0.04198 135 108 23 4
1944 I'm taking Yoga classes so I can do this. 1.2296 0.04328 135 109 21 5
1945 Now that I have your undivided attention... 1.2296 0.04198 135 108 23 4
1946 You asked me to stand up for myself. 1.2296 0.04064 135 107 25 3
1947 Take you, please. 1.2296 0.04064 135 107 25 3
1948 That joke usually does a lot better out in the garage. 1.2295 0.04322 122 97 22 3
1949 Put the book down and I'll stop standing on your feet. 1.2295 0.04476 122 98 20 4
1950 I'm not sure our marriage counselor meant this by "try cosplay". 1.2295 0.04322 122 97 22 3
1951 You said you wanted us to have more fun in bed… 1.2294 0.03916 170 138 25 7
1952 Come on. Not even a heckle? 1.2293 0.03600 157 123 32 2
1953 ‘’My name is Ted and it’s been twenty one days since my last orgasm.” 1.2293 0.04028 157 127 24 6
1954 My wife once told me I was one in a million. 1.2292 0.04264 144 117 21 6
1955 They said I'd get a bigger crowd for my book tour if we made the audience more comfortable. 1.2292 0.03781 144 113 29 2
1956 You did the cover charge and I’ll handle the two-drink minimum. 1.2292 0.04030 144 115 25 4
1957 Sorry to interrupt but I have something important to tell you. 1.2292 0.04376 144 118 19 7
1958 And when I was 65, it was a so & so year, & my income was low when I was 65. 1.2290 0.04542 131 107 18 6
1959 Just flew in from a sales meeting in Akron, and boy are my arms tired! 1.2289 0.03883 166 134 26 6
1960 Thanks for showing up tonight. So...sex is way overrated, amirite? 1.2288 0.04725 118 96 17 5
1961 I’ve just had a request for “Good Night, Ladies.” 1.2288 0.04408 118 94 21 3
1962 I'd like to thank everyone for staying in tonight. 1.2288 0.03651 153 120 31 2
1963 Could someone bring the lights down? 1.2288 0.03767 153 121 29 3
1964 Check, Check, 1,2, 3, Check! 1.2288 0.03988 153 123 25 5
1965 No,really. I'm here all week. 1.2286 0.04342 140 114 20 6
1966 I’m here all night, folk. 1.2286 0.03971 140 111 26 3
1967 Yes Virginia,this IS the holographic version of your audiobook. 1.2286 0.04098 140 112 24 4
1968 Could I ask you to silence your alarm clock? 1.2286 0.03971 140 111 26 3
1969 ...and I'd like to thank my wife for supporting all the late nights. 1.2286 0.03839 140 110 28 2
1970 his performance in bed was.. laughable 1.2286 0.04098 140 112 24 4
1971 I'll have what she's having 1.2286 0.03839 140 110 28 2
1972 You’re so woke you can’t even sleep through my stand up anymore. 1.2284 0.04039 162 132 23 7
1973 Of course I know you're not "tweety pie". 1.2284 0.03640 162 128 31 3
1974 The original Audiobook 1.2284 0.03844 162 130 27 5
1975 …and what’s the deal with sleeping these days? Am I right?! 1.2283 0.04211 127 101 23 3
1976 You evidently heard this joke before. 1.2283 0.04498 127 103 19 5
1977 Actually, this was my shrinks idea. 1.2283 0.03903 127 99 27 1
1978 So my wife says we should be doing do what makes us happy in bed... great idea. 1.2283 0.04357 127 102 21 4
1979 This one’s a little number I wrote about lonely men and their indifferent partners. 1.2282 0.03824 149 118 28 3
1980 Final announcement: Lights out in 15 minutes. You have 15 minutes to finish the page and insert bookmark before darkness descends. 1.2281 0.04499 114 91 20 3
1981 Honey, this doesn't work unless you heckle me. Like, hard. 1.2281 0.04323 114 90 22 2
1982 Would it help if I told a few jokes? 1.2279 0.04038 136 108 25 3
1983 (Borat voice) MY WIFE! 1.2279 0.04424 136 111 19 6
1984 Sing like there's no one listening 1.2279 0.03901 136 107 27 2
1985 Hello and welcome to audible, the platform that allows you to listen to books and podcast from the comfort of your own bed 1.2279 0.04171 136 109 23 4
1986 I'm guessing a toast wasn't the sort of proposal you had in mind. 1.2276 0.04443 123 99 20 4
1987 Are you sure that survey says this is your love language? 1.2276 0.04443 123 99 20 4
1988 So maybe I'm not a good listener... 1.2276 0.03968 123 96 26 1
1989 I feel like we can't read each other anymore. 1.2276 0.04132 123 97 24 2
1990 You used to like my jokes 1.2276 0.03968 123 96 26 1
1991 You’re still not thrilled with my performance. 1.2276 0.04132 123 97 24 2
1992 Anna-Maria is reading along steadily... No wait! Mr. Darcy is proposing to Elizabeth a second time. Anna-Maria slows to a crawl! 1.2276 0.03758 145 114 29 2
1993 I’m not sure this is really better than doing stand-up on zoom. 1.2276 0.03883 145 115 27 3
1994 But seriously, I can really feel the love in this room 1.2276 0.03883 145 115 27 3
1995 What do lawyers wear to bed? Lawsuits. 1.2273 0.04381 132 107 20 5
1996 I want to dedicate this song to the woman who used to love me more than her books. 1.2273 0.03857 154 123 27 4
1997 I’m a little nervous delivering this talk in such an intimate setting. 1.2273 0.03732 176 142 28 6
1998 To take our pillow talk to new heights.- wanna hear my retirement speech? 1.2273 0.04381 132 107 20 5
1999 He looked down at her from his lecture and thought, "She must be great in bed." 1.2273 0.04381 132 107 20 5
2000 To recap 1.2273 0.04381 132 107 20 5
2001 And the little lady hogs the spotlight once again. 1.2273 0.03965 132 104 26 2
2002 I’m just going to do some work in bed before falling asleep 1.2273 0.04108 132 105 24 3
2003 Lights, camera and lack of action 1.2273 0.04071 154 125 23 6
2004 Tonight it’s your turn to ME a standing o 1.2273 0.04108 132 105 24 3
2005 At least I'm avoiding blue light 1.2273 0.04246 132 106 22 4
2006 How am I supposed to follow THAT performance. 1.2273 0.04595 110 88 19 3
2007 You’ve been great. Really. See you tomorrow night. 1.2270 0.03816 141 111 28 2
2008 two lonely people, we were strangers in the night 1.2270 0.03946 141 112 26 3
2009 I hope my new bedtime routine isn’t too distracting. 1.2270 0.04072 141 113 24 4
2010 Your Spotify account now comes with a free live reading* 1.2270 0.04653 141 118 14 9
2011 Still not an audio book. 1.2269 0.04375 119 95 21 3
2012 Thank you. Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen. So, how many of you out there live here in New York? 1.2269 0.04036 119 93 25 1
2013 Why don't you ever support my hobbies? 1.2267 0.03682 150 118 30 2
2014 What a book… it’s like he’s in the room with me… ON my bed…. , well maybe not that good… 1.2267 0.03801 150 119 28 3
2015 …she used it as a BOOKMARK! Thank you. Thank you. My wife, folks.. 1.2266 0.04466 128 104 19 5
2016 Take it off sweetheart and show us what you’ve got. 1.2263 0.04143 137 110 23 4
2017 I just feel something’s gone out of our act. 1.2263 0.04143 137 110 23 4
2018 What’s the deal with women? It’s like they only keep us around to take out the garbage. 1.2263 0.04271 137 111 21 5
2019 I’m too tired for your heckling fantasy Carl. 1.2263 0.04395 137 112 19 6
2020 Are you now, or have you ever been, a member of the Communist Party? 1.2263 0.04271 137 111 21 5
2021 She was reading in bed," said the omniscient narrator 1.2261 0.04289 115 91 22 2
2022 I'm not so good at this fantasy stuff, hun. Hun? Testing one two three. 1.2261 0.04464 115 92 20 3
2023 And, finally, for making our marriage the plot of that novel, I say, I’m sorry. 1.2261 0.04289 115 91 22 2
2024 The movie was better 1.2261 0.04464 115 92 20 3
2025 You’ve been a great audience. I’m here all week. 1.2260 0.03860 146 116 27 3
2026 I thought you wanted to talk things out ? 1.2260 0.03980 146 117 25 4
2027 Since you find Barbara Cartland so riveting... 1.2258 0.03942 155 125 25 5
2028 Is this your idea of role-play 1.2258 0.03942 155 125 25 5
2029 Honey, being in the Toastmasters is everything to me. 1.2258 0.04411 124 100 20 4
2030 Could I have your attention please? 1.2258 0.04411 124 100 20 4
2031 I'd like to dedicate my performance tonight to my wife who is currently bedridden 1.2258 0.04699 124 102 16 6
2032 No laughing in the bedroom is more of a general rule. 1.2258 0.03940 124 97 26 1
2033 Hello? Is this mike on?’ 1.2258 0.03942 155 125 25 5
2034 Your profile said you were looking for a guy with a sense of humor. 1.2258 0.04260 124 99 22 3
2035 It's harder to get a laugh here than it was to find the white whale. 1.2258 0.03940 124 97 26 1
2036 Hello, Jenny. Hello. 1.2258 0.03491 155 121 33 1
2037 Thank you, thank you, I am YOUR anxiety! So what’s the deal with everyone hating you? 1.2258 0.03942 155 125 25 5
2038 Take my wife – you. 1.2256 0.04218 133 107 22 4
2039 I can’t do this all myself; we’re supposed to be communicating better! 1.2256 0.04218 133 107 22 4
2040 Take my apology – please!” 1.2256 0.03939 133 105 26 2
2041 Do I come to your work and ignore you ? 1.2254 0.04168 142 115 22 5
2042 Attention! Can you hear me now? 1.2254 0.04168 142 115 22 5
2043 Our life was perfect. Then one day, my wife picked up a book by Colleen Hoover. 1.2254 0.03921 142 113 26 3
2044 Lenny Bruce is my spirit animal. 1.2254 0.04047 142 114 24 4
2045 - “I can’t take your wife…I AM your wife.” 1.2254 0.03792 142 112 28 2
2046 Since you have posted in the past that being dumped via text was so tacky and insensitive, I have been hired by your now ex... 1.2252 0.04183 111 87 23 1
2047 Harry's foreplay routine needs a little improv. 1.2252 0.03660 151 119 30 2
2048 You've been a wonderful audience tonight. 1.2252 0.03894 151 121 26 4
2049 The flailing stand up comedian part is an odd fantasy Doug; however ignoring you while you try to be funny is one of my strengths. 1.2252 0.04006 151 122 24 5
2050 Alexa, volume up 1.2252 0.04114 151 123 22 6
2051 When you agreed to a one-night stand, I didn't realize you were quite literal ... and literate. 1.2250 0.04501 120 97 19 4
2052 And now, by special request--the classic 'Embraceable You'"... 1.2250 0.04501 120 97 19 4
2053 You laughed at my bit earlier! 1.2250 0.03428 160 125 34 1
2054 ?My heart.. is an open book??? 1.2248 0.03850 129 101 27 1
2055 Isnt this taking audio books a bit far? 1.2248 0.04435 129 105 19 5
2056 When I'm a famous comedian and raconteur, you'll be sorry that you spent so much time reading instead of encouraging me to rehearse my material. 1.2248 0.04700 129 107 15 7
2057 Hope I’m not interrupting a climatic scene ? 1.2248 0.04570 129 106 17 6
2058 For my next impression I'll do my bitter half ignoring me by pretending to read a book in bed 1.2248 0.04700 129 107 15 7
2059 You said you wanted me home at night. 1.2246 0.03851 138 109 27 2
2060 So is it my stand-up routine or the designer suit? 1.2246 0.04366 138 113 19 6
2061 ... and that was my monologue, folks, for the 287th night in a row. 1.2246 0.03986 138 110 25 3
2062 Am I right, fellas? 1.2246 0.03711 138 108 29 1
2063 Carol, it’s time to turn the page. 1.2245 0.03956 147 118 25 4
2064 I miss your inside voice. 1.2244 0.04024 156 127 23 6
2065 May I have your attention please? If you are the owner of an older model green Mustang convertible your headlights are on. 1.2243 0.05023 107 88 14 5
2066 Honey...d'ya wanna hear my new love language...? 1.2242 0.03257 165 128 37 0
2067 Are you sure you don't want the audiobook? 1.2241 0.04077 116 91 24 1
2068 Sorry for the short set, it’s been a while. 1.2241 0.04911 116 96 14 6
2069 My inner dialogue is getting more creative 1.2241 0.04429 116 93 20 3
2070 ...and finally...You're school bus'll be here in 15minutes 1.2240 0.04524 125 102 18 5
2071 There I'm standing up ! Am I any funnier now? 1.2240 0.04074 125 99 24 2
2072 With the stand-up comforter Susan could finally read horrific tales of serial terror late into the night with constant comic relief. 1.2240 0.04524 125 102 18 5
2073 If you aren't going to pay attention to me at least stop reading "How to murder your husband without anyone finding out" 1.2239 0.04190 134 108 22 4
2074 I know I'm just the warm-up act, but you could at least pretend to be interested. 1.2239 0.04449 134 110 18 6
2075 We're still not having fun in bed. 1.2239 0.04449 134 110 18 6
2076 It took an hour to get the darn mike working so at least look up Cindy 1.2239 0.04190 134 108 22 4
2077 And now the latest from our embedded reporter 1.2238 0.04021 143 115 24 4
2078 Your profile on the app said you wanted a stand-up guy. 1.2238 0.03769 143 113 28 2
2079 I’m here all week. Try the veal. 1.2237 0.03871 152 122 26 4
2080 LETS GET READY TO RUMBLE! 1.2235 0.03708 170 137 28 5
2081 Do you want to talk? 1.2232 0.04151 112 88 23 1
2082 ...speaking of books have you heard there's a new one on how to make your partner happy in bed? I didn't THINK you did! 1.2231 0.04310 121 97 21 3
2083 I now realize that you were being euphemistic when you asked for stand-up in bed… 1.2231 0.04147 121 96 23 2
2084 Hey dad, can’t you just say good night like a normal father? 1.2231 0.04467 121 98 19 4
2085 Thanks for calling 'Sleep Lullabies!'" 1.2231 0.04310 121 97 21 3
2086 What brings you to town? 1.2231 0.04310 121 97 21 3
2087 I guess it's true - all the world really is a stage. 1.2231 0.04467 121 98 19 4
2088 Marge’s last nerve stood on end as Marty continued his work from home stand up comedian job. 1.2231 0.04125 130 104 23 3
2089 Thank you. Thank you. It's great to be here. Who's from out-of-town? 1.2231 0.04267 130 105 21 4
2090 Anyone here from Chicago? 1.2231 0.04125 130 104 23 3
2091 I'll be performing here every night for the rest of your life whether you like it or not. 1.2231 0.04793 130 109 13 8
2092 May I please have your attention 1.2231 0.04667 130 108 15 7
2093 Well, you’re disrupting MY bedroom routine. 1.2231 0.03825 130 102 27 1
2094 How many sorries does it take to fix a relationship? 1.2230 0.03688 139 109 29 1
2095 I usually have a larger audience for my lecture on death and dying 1.2230 0.03960 139 111 25 3
2096 Excuse me, is my comedy interfering with your Jane Austen 1.2230 0.03826 139 110 27 2
2097 Don't worry, I'll be here all night! 1.2230 0.03826 139 110 27 2
2098 Picture this: A woman is lying in bed, reading a book. She is not aware that she is holding it upside down. 1.2230 0.04090 139 112 23 4
2099 Is this what you meant by a realistic setting for late-night talk show host auditions ? 1.2230 0.04215 139 113 21 5
2100 And now for a woman who reads no introduction. 1.2230 0.03688 139 109 29 1
2101 …and I’m the ghost of Christmas office parties… 1.2230 0.04337 139 114 19 6
2102 There she is folks, Miss America 1.2230 0.04215 139 113 21 5
2103 A funny thing happened on my way home. 1.2230 0.03932 148 119 25 4
2104 So I guess you don’t come here often. 1.2230 0.03814 148 118 27 3
2105 How many pages left? 1.2230 0.04048 148 120 23 5
2106 The doctor said it would help my performance in bed 1.2230 0.03691 148 117 29 2
2107 I'd like to take this time to make a toast to our varying interests. 1.2222 0.03594 171 137 30 4
2108 I bet Updike never had to do this. 1.2222 0.04027 135 108 24 3
2109 I'll be performing here every night for the next 40 or 50 years folks... 1.2222 0.04492 126 103 18 5
2110 Reading in bed, eating in bed, meeting in bed. I mean c‘mon! Whatever happened to just *sleeping* in bed? 1.2222 0.04396 117 94 20 3
2111 Gladys, it's time we acknowledge our routines are not compatible. 1.2222 0.04200 126 101 22 3
2112 It's really tough to perform in the bedroom when i've been drinking. 1.2222 0.03885 126 99 26 1
2113 I'll be here all week ... month ... year ... 1.2222 0.04348 126 102 20 4
2114 Can you hear me now? Just testing…1, 2, 3! 1.2222 0.03849 153 123 26 4
2115 Stop me if you've heard this one...I'm horny. 1.2222 0.04492 126 103 18 5
2116 Classic lay-down comedy 1.2222 0.04233 144 118 20 6
2117 I get no respect. 1.2222 0.04200 126 101 22 3
2118 I guess my appreciation for the arts has always been a bit broader than yours. 1.2222 0.04396 117 94 20 3
2119 Honey, is it the "Applause" sign that's bothering you? 1.2222 0.04027 135 108 24 3
2120 This compromise for karaoke night just isn’t working for me. 1.2222 0.03611 162 129 30 3
2121 How about some lay down comedy? 1.2222 0.04046 126 100 24 2
2122 Audiobooks Live! 1.2222 0.04492 126 103 18 5
2123 I don’t think this is how audiobooks work 1.2222 0.04492 126 103 18 5
2124 You said you wanted a stand-up husband. 1.2222 0.04233 144 118 20 6
2125 Hello? Is this on? Not that it would matter. 1.2222 0.04225 117 93 22 2
2126 Anybody here from out of town? ... Anybody here?! 1.2222 0.04027 135 108 24 3
2127 I'd like to propose a toast to celibacy. 1.2222 0.04804 108 88 16 4
2128 This next song is dedicated to a woman I used to know 1.2222 0.04200 126 101 22 3
2129 You see “performative” where I see “reflective and searching”. 1.2222 0.03746 144 114 28 2
2130 You won't mind if I practice my speech, will you? 1.2222 0.03742 135 106 28 1
2131 I hear you’ve been telling your friends your not impressed by my performance in the bedroom. 1.2222 0.03959 153 124 24 5
2132 Is the book really that good! 1.2222 0.04348 126 102 20 4
2133 I believe in holistic methods of stand-up to viagra 1.2222 0.04027 135 108 24 3
2134 Bob Seger was right. Turn the page. 1.2222 0.04046 126 100 24 2
2135 I would to toast this year’s award winner for most boring in bed. 1.2222 0.04396 117 94 20 3
2136 And now I’ll be reciting the same two pages you tried to read last night. 1.2216 0.03836 167 136 25 6
2137 You really want to hear "Strangers in the Night"? 1.2215 0.03875 158 128 25 5
2138 A lawyer and his estranged wife walk into a bar. 1.2215 0.03909 149 120 25 4
2139 Guess you’re double-booked.” 1.2215 0.04023 149 121 23 5
2140 It’s such a quiet night for bible reading. 1.2215 0.04023 149 121 23 5
2141 This crowd is so tough they won’t even heckle. 1.2214 0.03935 140 112 25 3
2142 50 Shades... Hello? 1.2214 0.04188 140 114 21 5
2143 So . . . where you from? 1.2214 0.04238 131 106 21 4
2144 Ever notice how men…? Thank you, you’ve been a great audience tonight! 1.2214 0.04374 131 107 19 5
2145 Well, you wanted a lullaby! 1.2214 0.03951 131 104 25 2
2146 And now, direct from the doghouse, appearing nightly, I give you: "What kind of fool am I? 1.2214 0.04097 131 105 23 3
2147 All she wanted was a Kindle. 1.2214 0.04238 131 106 21 4
2148 What do you mean that's not what a late-night comic is? 1.2213 0.04434 122 99 19 4
2149 Even though I killed my wife twenty years ago, chopped her up and ate her, I still have dreams where she's alive and reading in bed, and I'm making my wedding toast... 1.2213 0.04117 122 97 23 2
2150 The candyman can....No he can't. 1.2213 0.04117 122 97 23 2
2151 I’m practicing my stand up routine to get use to an audience I know will not laugh at any of my jokes. 1.2209 0.03670 172 139 28 5
2152 (clearing throat)...And if I can get your attention, please.... 1.2209 0.03796 163 132 26 5
2153 Thanks everyone! Again, I’m Sammy, the stay-at-home comic. You’ve been a great audience! I’ll be here all year! Be sure and tip your waitress! 1.2208 0.04346 154 129 16 9
2154 This will be short but sweet 1.2208 0.03826 154 124 26 4
2155 So what'd ya think about my new nightly routine? 1.2207 0.03723 145 115 28 2
2156 A rabbi, a mulla and a priest walk into a bar..... 1.2207 0.03723 145 115 28 2
2157 Good evening,your Hotness. A funny thing happened just now. I felt a scintilla... get it? "sin tilla?" Hahaha. Well,I felt a scintilla of sexual desire for you looking so salaciously erotic. I see you on a bear skin rug. Get it? Bare skin? Hahaha. 1.2207 0.04318 145 120 18 7
2158 It’s National Lullaby Month, honey, so whenever you’re ready… 1.2207 0.04091 145 118 22 5
2159 Let’s give a round of applause for the young lady in the front row who doesn’t appreciate comedy 1.2207 0.03972 145 117 24 4
2160 Thank you for not coming out tonight. 1.2207 0.03723 145 115 28 2
2161 And she says I never listen (eyeroll) 1.2207 0.03723 145 115 28 2
2162 Live read-along for Books on Tape 1.2206 0.04000 136 109 24 3
2163 I see you're neither shaken nor stirred. 1.2205 0.04317 127 103 20 4
2164 Don’t forget to tip your servers and I’ll see you tomorrow morning! 1.2205 0.04017 127 101 24 2
2165 ?It’s a quarter to three…there’s no one in the place except you and me? 1.2203 0.04525 118 96 18 4
2166 Have you heard the one about the lady who was reading her book upside down? 1.2202 0.04393 109 87 20 2
2167 I may be here all week... 1.2199 0.03779 141 112 27 2
2168 Please give me attention 1.2199 0.04161 141 115 21 5
2169 This next joke is dedicated to the children I will never have. 1.2199 0.04038 141 114 23 4
2170 Testing! testing! 123! Breakfast is ready. 1.2199 0.03910 141 113 25 3
2171 I did not realize that when they said I was being featured at the MGM Casino, it would be in such a small and intimate setting. 1.2199 0.04281 141 116 19 6
2172 Just as sure as I stand before you, I will NEVER forget your birthday again. (singing) Happy Burpthday to you..... 1.2199 0.04038 141 114 23 4
2173 Can we switch places toight? 1.2199 0.04161 141 115 21 5
2174 And for a full three minutes, Tamara convinced herself she would just read a book and not check her phone. 1.2197 0.03924 132 105 25 2
2175 Quarter to three....no one in the place...except you and me... 1.2197 0.04209 132 107 21 4
2176 I didn't know that being ignored would be worse that being heckled. 1.2197 0.03924 132 105 25 2
2177 And what's the deal with tiny chapters in books lately? Feels like I need a break from all these breaks! 1.2197 0.03924 132 105 25 2
2178 Audible’s newest membership tier: Read along with the narrator, letting them know each time they’ve made a mistake 1.2197 0.04209 132 107 21 4
2179 I wanted to make sure you heard the latest: there is no money in our joint checking or savings accounts, and I am leaving at dawn to live with Cecelia in MX. 1.2195 0.04088 123 98 23 2
2180 Even in my own bed I get no respect 1.2195 0.03968 164 135 22 7
2181 Your mother told you to go read a book but not at the cost of your marriage! 1.2195 0.04088 123 98 23 2
2182 Bill was trying to work every room in the city. 1.2195 0.03775 164 133 26 5
2183 Well this audience is a real sleeper. 1.2195 0.04402 123 100 19 4
2184 You're a tough audience. Thanks, I'll be here all week! 1.2195 0.03921 123 97 25 1
2185 And that's how I got blocked on Twitter 1.2195 0.04088 123 98 23 2
2186 The comedy business is a little slow these days... 1.2192 0.03570 146 115 30 1
2187 Hello! This is one hell of a honeymoon. 1.2192 0.03826 146 117 26 3
2188 And then there was the time she started dog-earring the books. That wasn't so funny. 1.2192 0.04065 146 119 22 5
2189 What do you mean the communication between us used to be much better? 1.2192 0.03436 146 114 32 0
2190 Strangers in the night/exchanging glances... Wondering in the night, what are the chances....." 1.2190 0.04876 105 86 15 4
2191 ...and so we come to the end of your unabridged audiobook novel. 1.2190 0.04684 105 85 17 3
2192 Usually you laugh when we’re in bed together. Is it the material or the delivery? 1.2190 0.04107 137 111 22 4
2193 Yeah, I know you are wishing you were already home in bed. 1.2190 0.03974 137 110 24 3
2194 Testing, one, two, three. 1.2190 0.03974 137 110 24 3
2195 Is this not what you meant by try something new in the bedroom, honey? 1.2190 0.03694 137 108 28 1
2196 When she says she likes dirty talk in bed 1.2190 0.03837 137 109 26 2
2197 I'm not narrating that book 1.2190 0.03974 137 110 24 3
2198 A giggle would be nice. Don't point. 1.2188 0.03990 128 102 24 2
2199 Funny 1.2188 0.04428 128 105 18 5
2200 Darrel to Karen… Do I stand a chance of sex with you tonight? 1.2188 0.04287 128 104 20 4
2201 My wife doesn't laugh at my performance in the bedroom anymore, so I've got that going for me. 1.2185 0.03746 151 121 27 3
2202 Okay, you're right. I need to get a better agent. 1.2185 0.03626 151 120 29 2
2203 You promised to help me with the Rotary speech for tomorrow. 1.2185 0.03987 119 94 24 1
2204 I'm ready to talk. 1.2185 0.04491 119 97 18 4
2205 And why you bid on me at the auction? 1.2185 0.04329 119 96 20 3
2206 You're stealing my spotlight. 1.2183 0.04135 142 116 21 5
2207 Talk to me -- is it my timing, the material or just the third cocktail that offends you? 1.2183 0.04012 142 115 23 4
2208 Seems like my performance in bed is the punch line. 1.2183 0.04254 142 117 19 6
2209 And I would like to thank my wife for her unending support. Uh, honey? 1.2183 0.04254 142 117 19 6
2210 Can I get a request for 'Strangers in the Night'? 1.2180 0.04042 133 107 23 3
2211 Once again ladies and gents, the timing is impeccable. I enter the bedroom and a book magically appears. 1.2180 0.04042 133 107 23 3
2212 Why yes: the going up WAS worth the coming down. 1.2180 0.04042 133 107 23 3
2213 And now, you've reached the final chapter, yes you read it YOUR WAY! 1.2180 0.04314 133 109 19 5
2214 Honey, are you sure you've had the two-drink minimum? 1.2180 0.04180 133 108 21 4
2215 And my wife said I should stop bringing my work home with me 1.2179 0.03995 156 128 22 6
2216 We don't seem to be communicating very well. 1.2179 0.03671 156 125 28 3
2217 Guide to filling for divorce without using an attorney 1.2179 0.03890 156 127 24 5
2218 And now, the end is near... 1.2177 0.04058 124 99 23 2
2219 What does it say about overcoming performance anxiety in the bedroom? 1.2177 0.04517 124 102 17 5
2220 announcing tonight's dream sequence springing from page 205. 1.2177 0.04370 124 101 19 4
2221 This isn't sexy as I thought it would be. 1.2177 0.04217 124 100 21 3
2222 You're really not helping my performance anxiety. 1.2177 0.03893 124 98 25 1
2223 Good evening, Ladies and bookworms. 1.2177 0.04217 124 100 21 3
2224 You told me to stand up for myself. 1.2177 0.03893 124 98 25 1
2225 Honey, honey, honey.....I'm home. 1.2177 0.04370 124 101 19 4
2226 You are delusional Doris! 1.2177 0.03803 147 118 26 3
2227 Take my wife...PLEASE take my wife! 1.2177 0.03923 147 119 24 4
2228 I know...whenever we're in bed, it's the same routine. 1.2177 0.04040 147 120 22 5
2229 Let's start with one more page. Do I hear one page? Ok, two more pages. Can I get five pages? Yup, five pages. How about 10 pages? 10 more pages. Can we finish the book tonight? Ok, going once. Going twice. Sold! To the woman finishing her book by 4 am. 1.2177 0.03923 147 119 24 4
2230 You said he makes you laugh. 1.2174 0.03600 161 129 29 3
2231 If I could have your attention, please … please? Pretty please? No, I mean it. 1.2174 0.04080 138 112 22 4
2232 Thank you. Thank you. I’m here all week. 1.2174 0.03707 161 130 27 4
2233 So, a Rabbi, a Priest and a walrus walk into a bar. If you heard this one just nod. Wait, I’m not bothering you am I? 1.2174 0.03812 138 110 26 2
2234 You don't learn stand-up by reading about it! 1.2174 0.03949 138 111 24 3
2235 The marriage therapist suggests I be more romantic in the bedroom, so put down the 40 Shades book and look at me! 1.2174 0.04080 138 112 22 4
2236 Please don't forget to tip your waitress." 1.2174 0.03949 138 111 24 3
2237 Life is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing." 1.2171 0.03951 152 124 23 5
2238 Once upon a time in a kingdom far away... 1.2171 0.03962 129 103 24 2
2239 Come on, give it to me. No laws against drinking and reading. 1.2171 0.04257 129 105 20 4
2240 So I just walked upstairs from 5C, wow is that some apartment. 1.2171 0.04257 129 105 20 4
2241 When I said I was looking for a stand-up guy like Mr. Darcy, this is not what I had in mind. 1.2171 0.04112 129 104 22 3
2242 I’d like to welcome you all to our open book night. 1.2169 0.03635 166 134 28 4
2243 My next request, is 'Lay Lady Lay." 1.2168 0.03862 143 115 25 3
2244 I'm the unreliable narrator, thank you, I'll be here all week. 1.2168 0.03732 143 114 27 2
2245 Unaccustomed to speaking as i am..... 1.2168 0.03732 143 114 27 2
2246 But you checked off you are looking for a stand up guy . 1.2168 0.03597 143 113 29 1
2247 My ‘stand up’ doesn’t work either. 1.2167 0.04131 120 96 22 2
2248 I'm here all week. Try the veal... and me, please? 1.2167 0.04131 120 96 22 2
2249 And why are people with insomnia some of the coolest? Because they are up for anything! 1.2167 0.04457 120 98 18 4
2250 I suppose you wonder why I've gathered you here. 1.2166 0.04172 157 131 18 8
2251 I'd like to thank my wife, without whose support, I'd still be doing bars and strip clubs 1.2164 0.04285 134 110 19 5
2252 Hey, getta load of this girl in the front row who brought a book! 1.2164 0.03872 134 107 25 2
2253 Sorry, lady, like I told you last night, telling me to refill your water glass doesn't count as the one drink minimum per set. 1.2164 0.04414 134 111 17 6
2254 Actually, I think I'd prefer if you just heckled me. 1.2164 0.03872 134 107 25 2
2255 I'm sorry you don't think this is funny. 1.2164 0.03872 134 107 25 2
2256 Nobody understands me. I had to buy my wife a dictionary just to talk to her. 1.2164 0.04152 134 109 21 4
2257 I thought you wanted a tight 5 1.2164 0.03872 134 107 25 2
2258 Honestly you’re the BEST audience! Way better than yesterday at the bathroom! 1.2164 0.04152 134 109 21 4
2259 Get a Frank-Sinatra Audible version of this book for $1.99 now! 1.2164 0.04015 134 108 23 3
2260 This...is Audible... 1.2162 0.04858 111 92 14 5
2261 I guess you had to be there. 1.2162 0.03780 148 119 26 3
2262 Even my wife thinks my tight five lasts too long. 1.2160 0.03686 162 131 27 4
2263 Melania, are you listening to me? 1.2160 0.04338 125 102 19 4
2264 She used to be a sucker for standup 1.2160 0.04338 125 102 19 4
2265 If you don't mind slowing down, this audio book will sound a lot better. 1.2158 0.04181 139 114 20 5
2266 First audiobook tryout 1.2158 0.03788 139 111 26 2
2267 I’ll take my wife. Please? 1.2158 0.03923 139 112 24 3
2268 Wife take me, please. 1.2158 0.03788 139 111 26 2
2269 One hear this! 1.2158 0.04181 139 114 20 5
2270 As your personal Emcee I do everything but bedtime stories unfortunately. 1.2157 0.03703 153 123 27 3
2271 Give me your attention, Please! 1.2157 0.03928 153 125 23 5
2272 You're probably wondering why I called you here this evening . . . 1.2155 0.04382 116 94 19 3
2273 How many nights do I need to do this before you finally buy a real audio book? 1.2155 0.04207 116 93 21 2
2274 A man a dog, and two kids walk into the bedroom and the bartender says “I was just returning your wife’s room key” 1.2155 0.04711 116 96 15 5
2275 I see that at least one member of our audience tonight is dressed in a very inviting outfit. 1.2154 0.04366 130 107 18 5
2276 Define funny. 1.2154 0.04227 130 106 20 4
2277 It's great to be here tonight. Hope you're having as good a time as I am. 1.2154 0.04084 130 105 22 3
2278 We interrupt this book to give you this important announcement. 1.2154 0.04084 130 105 22 3
2279 Pardon the interruption but I am standing on your right foot 1.2154 0.04084 130 105 22 3
2280 How a conservative responds to a liberal late-night show host. 1.2154 0.04366 130 107 18 5
2281 So my wife and I in bed. Well that’s an open book. 1.2154 0.04501 130 108 16 6
2282 Hank, you’ve taken mansplaining to a whole new level. 1.2154 0.04084 130 105 22 3
2283 This Christmas Jim decided he'd pay for the audiobook subscription like Mary had asked. The year had been quite a strain on his vocal-cords. 1.2154 0.04227 130 106 20 4
2284 I never said I had a *good* five minutes. 1.2154 0.03935 130 104 24 2
2285 Infinite Jest is the greatest work of genius in the history of mankind 1.2154 0.03935 130 104 24 2
2286 The advertisement for a 'cushy comedy gig' was very misleading. 1.2153 0.03962 144 117 23 4
2287 No Bud. I said you ARE a, not TELL a. 1.2153 0.03838 144 116 25 3
2288 And no heckling this time, honey. OK? Um, so how’s everyone doing tonight? 1.2153 0.04083 144 118 21 5
2289 Wise men say only fools rush in 1.2153 0.03709 144 115 27 2
2290 ‘ Remember when you used to laugh at my jokes ‘ 1.2153 0.03838 144 116 25 3
2291 My mother-in-law is a lovely woman whom I have tremendous respect for, am I right? 1.2149 0.04265 121 98 20 3
2292 I'm at the foot of the bed and the end of your rope. 1.2149 0.04424 121 99 18 4
2293 Thank you darling for not being on your phone. 1.2149 0.04265 121 98 20 3
2294 Does 'for better and for worse' cover 'for-getting'? Happy anniversary. 1.2148 0.04124 135 110 21 4
2295 You don’t pay attention to me anymore. 1.2148 0.04508 135 113 15 7
2296 But seriously, no matter what I do my wife won't even look at me any more." 1.2148 0.03700 135 107 27 1
2297 Melania, Pretend you are listening. I just said we should tear up The Constitution. What do you think? Too strong? 1.2148 0.04629 135 114 13 8
2298 You said you wanted a "stand up" kind of guy. 1.2148 0.03847 135 108 25 2
2299 So how much much does my wife ignore me in bed? Well, I could do a whole stand up routine from the middle of the bed and she wouldn’t even heckle. 1.2148 0.04256 135 111 19 5
2300 And now, as a special treat for my loyal listeners I will yodel the entire Tchaikovsky violin concerto. 1.2148 0.04256 135 111 19 5
2301 Hey, is this thing on? This crowd is giving me nothing. 1.2148 0.04256 135 111 19 5
2302 so, uh, any guys here super into pegging? [throws voice] “whooooooo!!” 1.2148 0.03634 149 119 28 2
2303 It's a quarter to three.... 1.2143 0.04028 140 114 22 4
2304 Your Mom said Mizzou was okay school but I was thinking about the Harvard of the Midwest called Truman State University. 1.2143 0.03905 154 126 23 5
2305 A guy walks into his room, drink in hand, gets up on the bed and says to his wife…stop me if you’ve heard this one before. 1.2143 0.04001 126 101 23 2
2306 I just want to say, I wouldn’t be here if it were not for you. 1.2143 0.04288 112 90 20 2
2307 Where are you from and who do you do? 1.2143 0.04001 126 101 23 2
2308 Have you heard the one about the wife ignoring her husband? Hello? 1.2143 0.04307 126 103 19 4
2309 Eventually you'll finish that book, and I'll still be here. I’m not going anywhere. 1.2143 0.04157 126 102 21 3
2310 Did you sleep with my agent? 1.2143 0.04307 126 103 19 4
2311 Know the one about the dirty girl who really likes Joyce's Ulysses? 1.2143 0.04275 140 116 18 6
2312 I stand before you because I want to be HEARD and SEEN! 1.2143 0.03839 126 100 25 1
2313 The thing is,Jan,I've been here all week. 1.2143 0.04001 126 101 23 2
2314 Bad jokes and booze work much better than a boring book at bedtime. 1.2143 0.03898 140 113 24 3
2315 And nowwww... The end is nearrrr... And then you muuuusst agree it's bedtiiiiime.... 1.2143 0.04307 126 103 19 4
2316 Stood-up comic. 1.2138 0.03718 159 129 26 4
2317 Thank you, you’ve been a great audience. 1.2138 0.03824 159 130 24 5
2318 Intimate connection through humor...Hardly possible to misinterpret...And yet here we are. 1.2138 0.03938 145 118 23 4
2319 And.. yea…. I’m not one of those comics who does a lot of family material 1.2138 0.03814 145 117 25 3
2320 Quite an unresponsive crowd tonight. 1.2137 0.04198 131 107 20 4
2321 Don't forget to tip your server and forgive your husband, folks. 1.2137 0.04198 131 107 20 4
2322 The late show can bring out a tough crowd. 1.2137 0.03595 131 103 28 0
2323 So, technically, the restraining order hasn't kicked in yet. 1.2137 0.04336 131 108 18 5
2324 You get the reading light, I get the limelight. But it's just not as exciting as it used to be, Hannah. 1.2137 0.04056 131 106 22 3
2325 Well, I'm so lonely I'll be so lonely, I could die... 1.2137 0.04336 131 108 18 5
2326 Audiobook with an optional hologram 1.2137 0.04056 131 106 22 3
2327 Agent said, 'Badgers and Jam.' I said, 'No.' Yet, here I am. 1.2137 0.04348 117 95 19 3
2328 Here's to the butler. He must have done it, because I sure never do. 1.2137 0.04348 117 95 19 3
2329 Am I just a big joke to you Helen? 1.2137 0.04348 117 95 19 3
2330 I miss you. 1.2133 0.03613 150 120 28 2
2331 Not a creature was stirring not even a mouse”, well I'm going to need a drink before I continue this one.. 1.2132 0.03676 136 108 27 1
2332 And then I said « Let there be light and there was light »! 1.2132 0.03962 136 110 23 3
2333 Spoiler alert--I'll tell you how that book ends if you don't sing along 1.2132 0.04097 136 111 21 4
2334 Introducing the act you've been waiting for. 1.2132 0.04097 136 111 21 4
2335 In a Hail Mary attempt at sleep Linda is employing a classic library book defense. She has not had success in the past. 1.2132 0.03962 136 110 23 3
2336 I’m not in the mood. 1.2132 0.04478 136 114 15 7
2337 Wow, I can't believe we couldn't find an audio book. 1.2132 0.03962 136 110 23 3
2338 Are you sure you don't want me to read it to you? Audio books are all the rage. 1.2132 0.03962 136 110 23 3
2339 Audio books are all hear-say 1.2131 0.04234 122 99 20 3
2340 I’d like to thank my mom for coming all the way out here tonight. 1.2131 0.04070 122 98 22 2
2341 That’s right. Check your program, Lindsey. I’m here all night. 1.2131 0.04234 122 99 20 3
2342 Sadly, I am inspired by silent disapproval. 1.2130 0.04373 108 87 19 2
2343 Now finally shout out to my wife. Honey the boy dies at the end. 1.2130 0.04931 108 90 13 5
2344 Now I need one of you to help me finish this magic trick. 1.2130 0.04753 108 89 15 4
2345 Now hear this. I am tired of sleeping outside so you can keep the light on reading! 1.2129 0.03423 155 123 31 1
2346 I admit I don’t listen but I pledge to reform unless listening to something else. 1.2128 0.03873 141 114 24 3
2347 I’m sorry, but other people thought it was funny. 1.2128 0.03740 141 113 26 2
2348 I’m hearing some boos in the crowd. 1.2128 0.04002 141 115 22 4
2349 Stop me if you’ve heard the one about the wife who ignores her husband. 1.2126 0.04127 127 103 21 3
2350 What’s the deal with random comedians in your bedroom? 1.2126 0.04420 127 105 17 5
2351 The marriage counselor told me I would have to work to get your attention, but really, Jean . . . 1.2126 0.03813 127 101 25 1
2352 These vagabond shoes...will never stray again, I promise. 1.2126 0.04127 127 103 21 3
2353 Sound check. Sound check. 1.2126 0.03813 127 101 25 1
2354 I thought you said my bedroom performance is laughable." 1.2124 0.04254 113 91 20 2
2355 So set em up Joe, I've got a little story I'd like you to know 1.2124 0.04064 113 90 22 1
2356 So where're you from? 1.2123 0.03913 146 119 23 4
2357 Jane wasn't sure that a play by play announcer was the best choice for her bedroom scene 1.2123 0.03664 146 117 27 2
2358 Ever hear the one about the wife who wouldn’t support her husband’s dream? 1.2123 0.03913 146 119 23 4
2359 Take my wife,and replace her with my cocktail waitress,please! 1.2123 0.03664 146 117 27 2
2360 If you don't like my jokes we can always do some improv. 1.2123 0.03533 146 116 29 1
2361 Know any good jokes? I’m really desperate for some fresh ideas. 1.2123 0.03396 146 115 31 0
2362 You said you wanted some toast in bed... 1.2123 0.03664 146 117 27 2
2363 This next chapter goes out to the broken-hearted. 1.2123 0.03913 146 119 23 4
2364 You know, it's not easy being the opening act. 1.2123 0.03791 146 118 25 3
2365 And now, for your own personal BED Talk. 1.2121 0.04169 132 108 20 4
2366 You might win at a stand up talent show but I requested a quiet. lullaby 1.2121 0.03882 132 106 24 2
2367 You've been a great audience but it's really time for me to go. 1.2121 0.04169 132 108 20 4
2368 Come on, I'm here all night. 1.2121 0.04028 132 107 22 3
2369 Thank you, Ill be here all night. Try the veal. 1.2121 0.03730 132 105 26 1
2370 Oh, fuck! 1.2121 0.03920 165 137 21 7
2371 Up next - separation 1.2121 0.04169 132 108 20 4
2372 ´ I thought you knew, I am a stand up sort of guy." 1.2121 0.04438 132 110 16 6
2373 I died on stage tonight. 1.2121 0.04306 132 109 18 5
2374 Can I underperform under the sheets instead? 1.2121 0.04028 132 107 22 3
2375 This never happens - my last crowd loved it, I swear 1.2119 0.04161 151 126 18 7
2376 And lastly I'd like to thank the warm up act. 1.2119 0.04054 151 125 20 6
2377 Gee, I thought you’d be more impressed with my 12 inch Mic. 1.2119 0.03830 151 123 24 4
2378 When you build a house on the site of an old haunted comedy club. 1.2119 0.04480 118 97 17 4
2379 I'm rethinking this part of my routine. It's just not holding the audience's attention." Edgar Zapata, Orlando F 1.2119 0.04315 118 96 19 3
2380 What's the definition of bedroom stand-up self-referential humor? 1.2119 0.04480 118 97 17 4
2381 I hoped for a different one man show, but here we are. 1.2119 0.04315 118 96 19 3
2382 🎼 I’m in the mood for love 🎶 1.2119 0.04315 118 96 19 3
2383 Are you in the mood for a tight five? 1.2117 0.04200 137 113 19 5
2384 Ahem…I SAID ‘do we have any lonely nerds in the audience tonight?’… 1.2117 0.03936 137 111 23 3
2385 What did you expect when you married a professor? 1.2117 0.04070 137 112 21 4
2386 I feel like I'm getting heckled by the NYT best seller list! 1.2117 0.04070 137 112 21 4
2387 So, this guy comes home late again and says to his wife "Honey you'll never believe what happened to me today". 1.2117 0.04326 137 114 17 6
2388 At least your head isn't buried in your phone. 1.2117 0.04070 137 112 21 4
2389 Sue wasn’t impressed by Bill’s performance in the bedroom 1.2117 0.04326 137 114 17 6
2390 Do we have anyone celebrating anything tonight? 1.2117 0.04200 137 113 19 5
2391 But honey, this is me standing up for our relationship. 1.2117 0.04070 137 112 21 4
2392 And here we have ladies and gentlemen a now illegal scene from 1955... a book that is comforting and no violence at hand... 1.2114 0.04041 123 99 22 2
2393 Speaking of book lights. That Abe Lincoln used to read by firelight. He got along fine with his dad. 1.2114 0.04041 123 99 22 2
2394 One, two, one two three, can everybody here me? 1.2114 0.04041 123 99 22 2
2395 You've been a wonderful audience, now thank you, and goodnight. 1.2114 0.03873 123 98 24 1
2396 OK, OK I didn't hire a pilot to fly over with a sign , I didn't hire a singer to croon to you at a fancy restaurant, this is all I've got, and I hope its enough to make you look up from your book. This is just me, asking you, will you marry me? 1.2114 0.04358 123 101 18 4
2397 I feel like we're not on the same page. 1.2114 0.03873 123 98 24 1
2398 Hey sexy, I'm thinking of going blue tonight. 1.2114 0.04358 123 101 18 4
2399 Y’know, I read a book once. 1.2114 0.04203 123 100 20 3
2400 This one is for Susie, who is in bed rereading "Lady Chatterley's Lover." Pleasant dreams, Susie. 1.2113 0.03977 142 116 22 4
2401 You're my last fan...PLEEESSSE stay Awake! 1.2113 0.04100 142 117 20 5
2402 You told me that "stand-up comedy" helped your sexual libido 1.2113 0.03977 142 116 22 4
2403 Whatever helps your stand up routine Jerry 1.2113 0.04100 142 117 20 5
2404 I have got to quit it with these one-night stand-ups. 1.2113 0.03849 142 115 24 3
2405 What are the seven words you never say in bed” 1.2109 0.04246 128 105 19 4
2406 And remember folks, there's a two-drink minimum at this club. 1.2109 0.03786 128 102 25 1
2407 ...And now for the song that always worked when you read Danielle Steel instead of Virginia Woolf 1.2109 0.03945 128 103 23 2
2408 Have you heard the one about the couple that's so different, they shouldn't have gotten married?" 1.2109 0.04098 128 104 21 3
2409 In conclusion, not all women value a good sense of humor. 1.2109 0.03786 128 102 25 1
2410 ...and don't forget to tip your waitress 1.2109 0.04388 128 106 17 5
2411 Well, you’re still awake… that’s better than most nights on this gig. 1.2109 0.04246 128 105 19 4
2412 Sweety, I’m trying to read a book here. 1.2109 0.04098 128 104 21 3
2413 At least you’re not on your phone… 1.2109 0.03945 128 103 23 2
2414 Bill took his steps to overcoming performance anxiety to the extreme. 1.2109 0.03945 128 103 23 2
2415 Testing. Testing. No connection. 1.2109 0.03889 147 120 23 4
2416 thanks a lot,I'm here all night 1.2109 0.03767 147 119 25 3
2417 As a highly successful stand-up comedian, I refuse to take your ignoring me lying down. 1.2109 0.03767 147 119 25 3
2418 Strangers in the night...doobie doobie doo... 1.2105 0.04141 133 109 20 4
2419 I tell ya, I get no respect. No respect at all. 1.2105 0.04001 133 108 22 3
2420 7% interest is sounding pretty good right about now. 1.2105 0.04740 114 95 14 5
2421 And you won't read that book again Because the ending's just too hard to take (Gordon Lightfoot) 1.2105 0.03807 152 124 24 4
2422 Thank you for not heckling. 1.2105 0.03856 133 107 24 2
2423 Is that better than Twitter? 1.2105 0.03441 171 138 30 3
2424 I would say try the veal, but the fridge is empty and I’ve bought the groceries the past three weeks… 1.2105 0.04032 114 91 22 1
2425 So this guy walks in on his wife ... 1.2105 0.04574 114 94 16 4
2426 The only thing that are turned on in here are the lamps.” 1.2105 0.03705 133 106 26 1
2427 You've never really warmed up to my club's Remote Work Policy have you 1.2105 0.04001 133 108 22 3
2428 Remember what you said a few years ago? Let’s talk about it. 1.2105 0.03807 152 124 24 4
2429 Welcome everyone to the Toastmasters Ultimate Challenge. 1.2102 0.03729 157 128 25 4
2430 If you don't pay attention to me, I'll start singing a Frank Sinatra song. 1.2101 0.03910 138 112 23 3
2431 What’s the deal with the my mother-in-law? 1.2101 0.04043 138 113 21 4
2432 ....and I did it MY WAY! Thank you, thank you. 1.2101 0.03772 138 111 25 2
2433 I’ve BEEN here all week. 1.2101 0.04043 138 113 21 4
2434 What do you mean our love life is too routine? 1.2101 0.03772 138 111 25 2
2435 No matter what I do, I can't seem to communicate 1.2101 0.04043 138 113 21 4
2436 Maybe now I can complete a sentence…. 1.2101 0.03772 138 111 25 2
2437 And for my last song this evening: "Hot Stuff." 1.2101 0.03630 138 110 27 1
2438 This next one will get you in the mood tonight. 1.2101 0.03910 138 112 23 3
2439 Eat-Pray-No Laugh 1.2101 0.03772 138 111 25 2
2440 Why the long face? 1.2101 0.04043 138 113 21 4
2441 Just so you know, this is my last stand on saving our marriage 1.2101 0.04282 119 97 19 3
2442 Ladies and gentlemen this is my very last attempt to get her attention. 1.2101 0.04445 119 98 17 4
2443 And in this corner, the reigning word champion, Joyce Carol Oates. 1.2101 0.04282 119 97 19 3
2444 Next up. . Mr Wiggles 1.2101 0.04112 119 96 21 2
2445 And before I go I just want to give a shout out to Linda. 1.2101 0.04445 119 98 17 4
2446 What's with the Khaled Hosseini? I thought we were going with Kate Christensen. 1.2101 0.03935 119 95 23 1
2447 Wow! The silent heckle. It's going to be a long night folks. 1.2100 0.04777 100 82 15 3
2448 Tough crowd... tough crowd. 1.2098 0.03825 143 116 24 3
2449 I like a good thriller. I’ve just finished the dictionary. The zebra did it. 1.2098 0.03951 143 117 22 4
2450 It's an inside joke. 1.2097 0.04326 124 102 18 4
2451 What’s the deal with pillows? 1.2095 0.04628 105 86 16 3
2452 Alright, crowd work isn't my isn't my strong suit 1.2093 0.03760 129 103 25 1
2453 The booker said this joint was intimate. I didn't know I'd be competing with Moby Dick. 1.2093 0.04357 129 107 17 5
2454 Yes, for all you Reality-TV couch potatoes out there, we are here today to witness a very strange phenomenon ... . 1.2093 0.03918 129 104 23 2
2455 I guess the erectile dysfunction jokes are a no-no, then." 1.2093 0.04357 129 107 17 5
2456 Just let me finish my pre-bedtime routine and you can turn out the light 1.2093 0.03918 129 104 23 2
2457 Do not skip to the end! 1.2092 0.03896 153 126 22 5
2458 They say workshop new material in the most difficult room. 1.2091 0.04302 110 89 19 2
2459 Did ya hear the one about the standup comic who is boring in bed? 1.2090 0.04113 134 110 20 4
2460 Are you telling me that Mel Brooks' book is funnier than my act. 1.2090 0.04113 134 110 20 4
2461 Soporific, S-O-P-O-R-I-F-I-C, soporific 1.2090 0.04377 134 112 16 6
2462 Bingo will start shortly. Everyone have their cards ready? 1.2090 0.03974 134 109 22 3
2463 Honey, I appreciate the tough crowd training here, but no crowd can be that tough. 1.2090 0.03974 134 109 22 3
2464 ‘and then someone came up to me in the lunchroom and asked- what’s in your sandwich. I said, you’ll have to ask my wife… get it hun?’ 1.2090 0.04113 134 110 20 4
2465 Listen, lady...if you were really serious about heckling me, you would have brought the audio book version with you. 1.2087 0.04703 115 96 14 5
2466 So I said “a guy walks into a bar with a minister, a Buddhist monk and a used car salesman” …………Alright, we’ll throw in an organ grinder and his monkey……Okay, how about a kangaroo with boxing gloves? 1.2087 0.04366 115 94 18 3
2467 When you said you wanted to try new things in the bedroom, this wasn’t exactly what I had in mind. 1.2087 0.04188 115 93 20 2
2468 Is this working? 1.2086 0.03885 139 113 23 3
2469 My mom ignored me too. 1.2086 0.03606 139 111 27 1
2470 Would you please consider opening for tonight’s performance? 1.2086 0.03606 139 111 27 1
2471 Honey... do I have a drinking problem? 1.2086 0.04145 139 115 19 5
2472 Alas, the audience has decided that the book is better than the stage play. 1.2086 0.03885 139 113 23 3
2473 I drink to your charm, to your beauty and your brains - which gives you a rough idea of how hard up I am for a drink.” Quote Groucho Mar 1.2086 0.04017 139 114 21 4
2474 ARE YOU READING THAT BOOK ABOUT HANDS? IT'S A REAL PAGE TURNER. 1.2083 0.04048 144 119 20 5
2475 Please bookmark it there, Ms. Pomeroy. I need to take five for another Earl Grey with honey. 1.2083 0.03927 144 118 22 4
2476 What keeps you up at night? 1.2083 0.04167 144 120 18 6
2477 How 'bout this one?...... 1.2083 0.03536 144 115 28 1
2478 Thank you, you’ve been a wonderful audience 1.2083 0.04048 144 119 20 5
2479 This isn't exactly what I had in mind when I ordered an audiobook 1.2083 0.04250 120 98 19 3
2480 Did you hear the one about the guy who was in a soulless marriage for 27 years? 1.2083 0.04082 120 97 21 2
2481 ? The record shows I took the blows-- And did it ... my way. ? 1.2083 0.03671 144 116 26 2
2482 Welcome to second semester Algebra 2. 1.2083 0.03666 168 138 25 5
2483 Hey, no reading in bed during the act. 1.2083 0.04250 120 98 19 3
2484 And so I said to my wife, I wish you’d talk to me more in bed.. little did I know she’d whip out a book. 1.2083 0.03801 144 117 24 3
2485 Honestly it wasn’t that much pricier than Audible 1.2083 0.04568 120 100 15 5
2486 ...so you decided against the audio book? 1.2083 0.04250 120 98 19 3
2487 Okay, don't take my wife, please? 1.2081 0.03598 149 120 27 2
2488 This isn't what I thought when you said late-night standup. 1.2081 0.03470 149 119 29 1
2489 So, a single 30-year-old woman walked into a bar... 1.2080 0.04142 125 102 20 3
2490 I'll be here all week, and don't forget to tip your authors and bookbinders. 1.2080 0.04142 125 102 20 3
2491 Let's dance Put on your red shoes and dance the blues Let's dance 1.2080 0.04142 125 102 20 3
2492 What’s the deal with the medium being the message!? 1.2080 0.03983 125 101 22 2
2493 This is not what I thought when the site said audiobook. 1.2077 0.04186 130 107 19 4
2494 Is this mic on? This is supposed to be a funny caption! Please,take my wife! 1.2077 0.03891 130 105 23 2
2495 So my wife 1.2077 0.04327 130 108 17 5
2496 If I move a tiny bit to the right, will that work? 1.2077 0.04186 130 107 19 4
2497 You don't get out much, do you? 1.2075 0.04388 106 86 18 2
2498 ...take my wife, she says she just can't read me! 1.2074 0.04085 135 111 20 4
2499 Maybe stand-up is just not my jam. 1.2074 0.03805 135 109 24 2
2500 It's Open Mic night here at the Williams residence and I'm on my third whiskey sour. 1.2074 0.03948 135 110 22 3
2501 I’m happy to announce that there will be no cover charge for tonight’s bedtime stories. 1.2074 0.04085 135 111 20 4
2502 Well, at least the suit's a little funny. 1.2074 0.04085 135 111 20 4
2503 For a long time I went to bed early 1.2074 0.03948 135 110 22 3
2504 And there you have it. She defied a generation. Reading every page. Back to you Bob. 1.2074 0.03503 135 107 28 0
2505 You, yeah, you with the glasses. What's the matter, my jokes aren't good enough for you, you have to bring a book? 1.2074 0.03805 135 109 24 2
2506 I wouldn't be here today if it weren't for my beautiful wife Cat 1.2074 0.04085 135 111 20 4
2507 Watch closely as the book is replaced by endless scrolling. In 3…2….1… 1.2074 0.03657 135 108 26 1
2508 Honey, I promise that my monologue will be better than last night! 1.2072 0.04809 111 93 13 5
2509 HELLO ! SPOILER ALERT 1.2071 0.03724 140 113 25 2
2510 I'm telling you, an Audible subscription would be far less cumbersome. 1.2071 0.03991 140 115 21 4
2511 Just got back from playing a one-night bed in Jersey. Felt like a week! 1.2071 0.04118 140 116 19 5
2512 You should be getting drowsy. My standup act always puts them to sleep. 1.2071 0.03860 140 114 23 3
2513 ... this writing just captures my imagination ... 1.2069 0.04332 116 95 18 3
2514 That's my side of the bed. 1.2069 0.03777 145 118 24 3
2515 Tell me Again What are the words to Good Night Irene 1.2069 0.03777 145 118 24 3
2516 And now for a rewind of this past week's worst cock ups 1.2069 0.04023 145 120 20 5
2517 Honey, please give Open Mic Tuesdays a chance. 1.2067 0.03934 150 124 21 5
2518 And now, here's todays wrap-up! 1.2066 0.04052 121 98 21 2
2519 Thanks for coming here tonight, I hope this is not just a standup job 1.2066 0.04378 121 100 17 4
2520 Now, if you could take a break from David Baldacci for a moment, I’d like to practice a few of my stand up routines. 1.2066 0.03878 121 97 23 1
2521 Now that I have your attention! 1.2065 0.03509 155 125 28 2
2522 Hey, boomer… 1.2065 0.03388 155 124 30 1
2523 Would you believe my wife thinks we're sleeping together. 1.2063 0.03955 126 102 22 2
2524 My audience doesn't understand me. 1.2063 0.03955 126 102 22 2
2525 'Yeah, my ex said that about my bedroom performance too' 1.2063 0.04112 126 103 20 3
2526 I just flew in from Chicago and, boy, do I want sex. 1.2063 0.04410 126 105 16 5
2527 So my wife tells me I shouldn't work from home. ... 1.2061 0.04014 131 107 21 3
2528 My wife’s here tonight, but she’d rather be in bed reading. 1.2061 0.03710 131 105 25 1
2529 Mic check. Hey, I need a little more feedback up here. 1.2061 0.04014 131 107 21 3
2530 First and foremost, I’d like to thank my wife for her unwavering interest and support. 1.2061 0.03865 131 106 23 2
2531 As Henny Youngman once said, "Take my wife ..." 1.2061 0.04157 131 108 19 4
2532 The author really brings the characters to life 1.2061 0.04562 131 111 13 7
2533 As your narrator, I must warn you that the ending is gruesome 1.2061 0.04431 131 110 15 6
2534 SRO crowd tonight so we're going to live stream my ode to my wife. 1.2061 0.03865 131 106 23 2
2535 So I recently tried to spice things up in the bedroom. I bought my wife an ethnic cookbook! 1.2061 0.03865 131 106 23 2
2536 Now’s the part of my act where I remind you of every stupid thing you’ve ever done. 1.2061 0.04014 131 107 21 3
2537 MAH WIIIIIFE 1.2061 0.04157 131 108 19 4
2538 Sure you'ld rather be at home reading than go out to a show, but with our new VR glasses you can do both! 1.2061 0.03492 165 134 28 3
2539 Testing-testing, B 8, quarters register 2, talk to a live person dial 1, N 32, clean up aisle 6, Eddie Earl loading dock, B 4, all of our agents are serving others-please hold-calls are answered in order received, O 61, have a blessed day..." 1.2061 0.04078 165 140 16 9
2540 I’m here to make those long paragraphs of boring stuff between dialogue, action and advancing the plot more agreeable. Vocal variety is my specialty. 1.2059 0.03480 136 108 28 0
2541 …and don’t get me started on litter boxes. How about you there in the front row, you ever changed one of those? 1.2059 0.03780 136 110 24 2
2542 So I said, 'Thanks, but I get the whole privilege thing. I don't need any more of that DE&I stuff'.' 1.2059 0.04190 136 113 18 5
2543 To be honest, you’ve been a pretty lousy audience. 1.2059 0.03780 136 110 24 2
2544 Thank you for allowing me to attend your book club meeting to discuss my latest novel. I'm encouraged and humbled to see how engrossed you appear to be in it. I will be open to questions once you finish it. Thank you again. 1.2059 0.04190 136 113 18 5
2545 When she meets the young prince, I'll do my best frog voice. 1.2059 0.03480 136 108 28 0
2546 Atleast we both have glass half full 1.2059 0.03922 136 111 22 3
2547 Our marriage counseling hasn’t made me any funnier, dear 1.2059 0.04318 136 114 16 6
2548 And as a special feature I'm here to introduce you to my 3rd grade teacher who will discuss having fun in bed . 1.2057 0.03561 141 113 27 1
2549 I thought said you wanted to experiment. 1.2057 0.04091 141 117 19 5
2550 I'll be reporting any minute now whether or not it's a page-turner." Judy Ungar, 20 W. Palisade Avenue, Apt. 3208, Englewood, NJ 07631 jsbu@hotmail.com (201) 408-297 1.2057 0.04091 141 117 19 5
2551 Imagination is a funny thingy. 1.2055 0.03878 146 120 22 4
2552 Is this not what you meant by role playing? 1.2054 0.04419 112 92 17 3
2553 It’s our personal touch for audio books. “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times…” 1.2053 0.03796 151 124 23 4
2554 See Karen, I can stand up in other ways. 1.2051 0.04124 117 95 20 2
2555 I notice you're reading 'Be Here Now' ..." 1.2049 0.04022 122 99 21 2
2556 Attention all passengers on C Deck. Tonight’s menu has changed from Mac ‘n cheese to Peking Duck in the dining room of Apartment 9A.” 1.2049 0.04022 122 99 21 2
2557 I listened to Taylor’s last album and finally figured our relationship out: “It’s me, hi. I’m the problem, it’s me.” 1.2049 0.03669 122 97 25 0
2558 So now we've reached the chapter titled 'Foreplay,' which I trust you will enjoy. 1.2049 0.04187 122 100 19 3
2559 Alright… that’s my cue. You’ve been a great audience. 1.2048 0.03677 166 137 24 5
2560 Chapter 1, my life on the rocks. 1.2047 0.04083 127 104 20 3
2561 Our next act comes all the way from the third bedroom down the hall give it up for Timmy ladies and gentlemen 1.2047 0.04083 127 104 20 3
2562 Look, Dear, no more performance anxiety. 1.2047 0.03927 127 103 22 2
2563 I’m out of songs, therefore, ‘Let’s get ready to rummmble!” 1.2047 0.03764 127 102 24 1
2564 Oh, I’m sorry, princess. Am I keeping you up? 1.2047 0.04378 127 106 16 5
2565 When I asked for the audiobook this isn’t exactly what I had in mind. 1.2047 0.03927 127 103 22 2
2566 Oh, come on, you know I have performance anxiety! 1.2045 0.03838 132 107 23 2
2567 Take my wife. Seriously. I would if this stupid routine still worked. 1.2045 0.03986 132 108 21 3
2568 Well, you did choose the upgraded version of Books on Tape. 1.2045 0.04129 132 109 19 4
2569 I attached my laptop mike to the stereo so you can hear me slam poetry tonight. 1.2045 0.03986 132 108 21 3
2570 I know it's 3am and has been a long first date, but there's one more I'd like to sing for you before I leave. ' Strangers in the Night ' by Frank Sinatra. 1.2045 0.03986 132 108 21 3
2571 Anyone out there into pickleball? So here's what I don't get: it's got a ball, sure, but where's the pickle? Is that paddle thing the pickle? So why don't they just call it paddle ball? 1.2045 0.04129 132 109 19 4
2572 I'd like to thank you all for coming here in this weather. 1.2045 0.04267 132 110 17 5
2573 Could you act surprised that I'm bombing in bed? 1.2045 0.03838 132 107 23 2
2574 Seesh, talk about your tough crowd! 1.2045 0.03838 132 107 23 2
2575 I don't want to spoil it too much, but he doesn't actually die on the cross. 1.2044 0.04031 137 113 20 4
2576 Thank you for this opportunity to stand up for myself. I'm really going to try not to blow it. 1.2044 0.04031 137 113 20 4
2577 have you heard the one about the guy who just wanted to join his wife's book club 1.2044 0.03755 137 111 24 2
2578 My therapist said, if I wanted to meet a woman, I should put myself out there. 1.2042 0.03539 142 114 27 1
2579 ….I just think we’re into different things… 1.2042 0.03811 142 116 23 3
2580 You said you wanted our life to be like our wedding reception. 1.2042 0.03940 142 117 21 4
2581 But the gig says “stand up” comedienne contest. Time to live outside the bed, luv! 1.2042 0.04065 142 118 19 5
2582 I am here to warm up for the sand man. 1.2042 0.03539 142 114 27 1
2583 Dear diary, my wife has decided she wants more excitement in our marriage. 1.2042 0.03539 142 114 27 1
2584 I can't narrate the book because the reader couldn't put it down. 1.2041 0.03854 147 121 22 4
2585 of course, now when I want you to laugh... 1.2041 0.03604 147 119 26 2
2586 They called him Human Ambien. 1.2041 0.03604 147 119 26 2
2587 reading aloud. 1.2041 0.03973 147 122 20 5
2588 I thought I was booked for the evening. 1.2039 0.03535 152 123 27 2
2589 Before we get down to business tonight, I'd like to raise a toast to the humble, frayed bookmark. 1.2039 0.03887 152 126 21 5
2590 With ratings collapsing, a late-night talk show host seeks a new way to relate to audience members. 1.2039 0.03773 152 125 23 4
2591 Not a good night for crowd work. 1.2037 0.04110 108 87 20 1
2592 I have an announcement. It's performance time. 1.2035 0.04007 113 91 21 1
2593 You have been a great audience. 1.2035 0.04383 113 93 17 3
2594 As I was saying, your car’s extended warranty can save you thousands. 1.2034 0.04265 118 97 18 3
2595 Man on board. 1.2033 0.04156 123 101 19 3
2596 Joan's husband hires a local comedian to try and get her out of Goblin Mode. 1.2033 0.04156 123 101 19 3
2597 This seems like a safe distance from Will Smith 1.2033 0.03822 123 99 23 1
2598 I told you I was an upstanding comedian. 1.2033 0.03822 123 99 23 1
2599 The jokes are funnier if I tell them. 1.2033 0.03643 123 98 25 0
2600 Good evening, lady and germs. 1.2031 0.03738 128 103 24 1
2601 I'm here to collect your post Election Day, unsigned, bed-in ballot 1.2031 0.04054 128 105 20 3
2602 Would you prefer it if I used props? 1.2031 0.04054 128 105 20 3
2603 You’ve been a great audience. I’ll be here nightly for the next 25 years. 1.2031 0.04347 128 107 16 5
2604 Sleep is what we recommend. 1.2031 0.03899 128 104 22 2
2605 Quips passing in the night. 1.2031 0.04203 128 106 18 4
2606 Dear, I know I must prepare for tough audiences but is this really the best way to practice my stand-up routine? 1.2030 0.03660 133 107 25 1
2607 Don't worry. There's an intermission break soon. 1.2030 0.03959 133 109 21 3
2608 And before I wrap up my wedding toast, I’d just like to say… 1.2030 0.03660 133 107 25 1
2609 I wrote this book in my sleep. 1.2030 0.04100 133 110 19 4
2610 Do we have any bookworms in the audience tonight? 1.2030 0.03813 133 108 23 2
2611 So me and my cpap mask were in another knock-down-drag-out last night... 1.2030 0.04237 133 111 17 5
2612 Cranky spouse, lonely house, am I right? 1.2030 0.03813 133 108 23 2
2613 My wife never complains about my performance in bed. She says I’m a hack, but she never complains about it 1.2030 0.03959 133 109 21 3
2614 It's me, hi, I'm the problem, it's me 1.2030 0.04100 133 110 19 4
2615 What author is more engaging than my nightly monologue? 1.2029 0.03870 138 113 22 3
2616 ...so Rodney says "My wife says she never listens to me 'cause she already knows me like a book." 1.2029 0.03731 138 112 24 2
2617 Please check the index for ‘risks of electrocution on a waterbed’. 1.2029 0.03870 138 113 22 3
2618 Take my book, please! 1.2028 0.03915 143 118 21 4
2619 Insomnia? I see you're reading "The Fear of Flying Sheep" 1.2028 0.03517 143 115 27 1
2620 I'm the real thing. Can you hear me now? 1.2028 0.03517 143 115 27 1
2621 If, I make her laugh; I am quitting my mundane job, and pursuing my stand-up comedian career full-time! 1.2027 0.03830 148 122 22 4
2622 Tonight,I would like to talk about “us”. 1.2027 0.03452 148 119 28 1
2623 Are these the lengths I have to go to, to get your attention once the kids are down? 1.2027 0.03582 148 120 26 2
2624 . . . and how about those commas? You know . . . before covid, we used to monologue about airlines. 1.2026 0.03514 153 124 27 2
2625 You laughed every time my brother told these jokes. 1.2025 0.03450 158 128 28 2
2626 ....and my absolutely final point.... 1.2025 0.03498 163 133 27 3
2627 As a stand-up comic, I'm appealing to your sense of humor tonight. 1.2025 0.03157 163 130 33 0
2628 Reality Television here: A woman actually reading a book in bed! 1.2025 0.03388 163 132 29 2
2629 Why read a book when I can just mansplain it to you? 1.2018 0.04660 109 91 14 4
2630 To get this performance going, I could add a laugh track. 1.2017 0.04398 119 99 16 4
2631 Just one more chapter,” she told herself. Narrator: It would not be just one more chapter 1.2017 0.04061 119 97 20 2
2632 Now a line sure to get some good laughs, “Honey, about a little nooky tonight?” 1.2016 0.03794 124 100 23 1
2633 I feel like I am speaking to a wall 1.2016 0.04126 124 102 19 3
2634 Love me Tender ? 1.2016 0.03963 124 101 21 2
2635 No, but seriously, my wife is great. 1.2016 0.04126 124 102 19 3
2636 This is a new one I just wrote. It's called 'Never Say I Don't Listen Again." 1.2016 0.04173 129 107 18 4
2637 And for what you will see as my next joke, I'll start by removing my clothes. 1.2016 0.03713 129 104 24 1
2638 I don’t get no respect, no respect at all.” 1.2016 0.04173 129 107 18 4
2639 This is your idea of friends with benefits? 1.2016 0.04454 129 109 14 6
2640 I know you're out there, I can see you reading. 1.2016 0.03713 129 104 24 1
2641 I tell ya...homes! Anyone here from their own home? 1.2016 0.03713 129 104 24 1
2642 Damn, you’re a tough room. 1.2015 0.03636 134 108 25 1
2643 My next number is called "snoring in the key of B minor" 1.2015 0.03787 134 109 23 2
2644 For my next number I'd like to perform "Baby Got Book." 1.2015 0.04073 134 111 19 4
2645 It's winter now, but if I can get through the mattress, I'll see you in the spring. 1.2015 0.03787 134 109 23 2
2646 Love on the rocks. Ain’t no big surprise. 1.2014 0.03707 139 113 24 2
2647 So what’s the deal with abstinence 1.2014 0.04107 139 116 18 5
2648 Lot number 106: antique but gently used MWM, unrestored but with no missing pieces. . . 1.2014 0.03845 139 114 22 3
2649 You ever wonder who thought it would be a good idea to give holograms feelings? 1.2014 0.03845 139 114 22 3
2650 You’ve been a great audience. I wonder if you left the oven on though. 1.2014 0.03707 139 113 24 2
2651 So a priest, a minister and a rabbi walk into a library, and the librarian says, "We have an open stacks policy here, and you'll have to share a carrell. First come, first serve. " They are still debating that one. 1.2014 0.03763 144 118 23 3
2652 And tonight, we are going to have a little music to read by. 1.2014 0.03632 144 117 25 2
2653 I've bombed before, but.....Please! 1.2014 0.03632 144 117 25 2
2654 ...and now I'd like to introduce the woman of the hour, my wife, or as I like to call her, Little Miss Bookworm. 1.2014 0.03632 144 117 25 2
2655 This is Audible…Audible hopes you've enjoyed this program. 1.2014 0.03632 144 117 25 2
2656 She's going for a record, rereading the same sentence 23 times pretending I'm not here. 1.2013 0.03686 149 122 24 3
2657 So...a priest, a rabbi, and a BOOK EDITOR walk into a bar... 1.2013 0.03431 149 120 28 1
2658 You’re supposed to be Jackie O with Frank, not Jack 1.2013 0.03729 154 127 23 4
2659 You used to like it when I crooned. 1.2013 0.03494 154 125 27 2
2660 Hello, interesting beauty. I am the protagonist you are reading about in your novel. May I join you in those sheets, or must I stay on those pages?" 1.2013 0.03613 154 126 25 3
2661 Honey, look at this mic I found on the way back from the bar. 1.2013 0.03544 159 130 26 3
2662 Me explaining her why we should have sex instead of her reading a book. 1.2012 0.03519 169 139 26 4
2663 Instead of a bed time story, I’d like to do a medley of my “hit”. 1.2000 0.04201 120 99 18 3
2664 Would it spice things up for you if you imagine that I am Frank Sinatra ? 1.2000 0.04096 125 103 19 3
2665 I am just trying to reach you, my audience of one. 1.2000 0.03767 125 101 23 1
2666 Honey, are you listening? 1.2000 0.04201 120 99 18 3
2667 I’m here all decade. Try the chicken. 1.2000 0.03820 140 115 22 3
2668 I would say I will be performing here nightly, but obviously I am NOT performing, am I? 1.2000 0.03988 145 121 19 5
2669 I thought some spontaneous karaoke would turn you on. 1.2000 0.04134 115 94 19 2
2670 And now, for you, that special one, out in the audience, you already read that page 1.2000 0.04031 120 98 20 2
2671 Remember, your admission includes a complimentary selfie with the performer in the kitchen after the show. 1.2000 0.04204 140 118 16 6
2672 And now my impression of Dean Martin 1.2000 0.04134 115 94 19 2
2673 So my wife's one of these people who never looks up from her book... 1.2000 0.03818 155 129 21 5
2674 Since you made it clear I wasn't performing IN the bed, I thought I'd start performing ON the bed. 1.2000 0.03474 155 126 27 2
2675 When I said I wanted to go to bed with you, this isn't what I had in mind. 1.2000 0.04096 125 103 19 3
2676 I thought you wanted to marry a stand up guy. 1.2000 0.03998 130 107 20 3
2677 You've probably heard the one about the woman who always reads in bed while her husband is doing standup. 1.2000 0.03998 130 107 20 3
2678 It's difficult for me to be up here tonight. 1.2000 0.04096 125 103 19 3
2679 At least heckle me? 1.2000 0.04106 145 122 17 6
2680 Nightly stand-up is what I do, and, as always, I thank you for being such a good audience. 1.2000 0.03539 150 122 26 2
2681 A man, a woman and a book walk into a bedroom… 1.2000 0.03906 135 111 21 3
2682 Don't forget to tip your author. 1.2000 0.03820 140 115 22 3
2683 A priest, a rabbi, and a heartless wife walk into a bar... 1.2000 0.03846 130 106 22 2
2684 I am the future of audio books 1.2000 0.03846 130 106 22 2
2685 Next time she would spend a little more and buy the audio version 1.2000 0.03900 150 125 20 5
2686 I feel like you’re misreading me. 1.2000 0.03740 145 119 23 3
2687 Tomorrow I'll try out new material. 1.2000 0.04399 125 105 15 5
2688 Good to be here tonight, I just flew in from Cleveland and boy is my marriage tired! 1.2000 0.03741 160 133 22 5
2689 I am soooo sorry that you are disappointed in my bedroom performance! 1.2000 0.03820 140 115 22 3
2690 Your "bed reading" drives me to drinking! 1.2000 0.03683 140 114 24 2
2691 So, I was pretty sure it was my wife, because she totally ignored me. emptied out our checking account, and booked two tickets to Acapulco with her personal trainer. 1.2000 0.04487 115 96 15 4
2692 Sure, now you don't laugh at me in bed. 1.2000 0.03707 155 128 23 4
2693 You could have sprung for the audiobook version. 1.2000 0.03762 135 110 23 2
2694 I thought you said I should improve my performance in the bedroom. 1.2000 0.03952 140 116 20 4
2695 I wish you’d come up here every once in a while, Barbara. 1.2000 0.04096 125 103 19 3
2696 ‘Thank you, thank you. You’re too kind!’ 1.2000 0.04495 100 82 16 2
2697 It was like my dream come through. 1.2000 0.03740 145 119 23 3
2698 tap...tap..r 1.2000 0.03474 145 117 27 1
2699 Yeesh, you could at least read the room. 1.2000 0.03820 140 115 22 3
2700 I know you were hoping for Morgan Freeman, but you got me instead… 1.2000 0.03952 140 116 20 4
2701 Take yourself….Please! 1.1987 0.03391 151 122 28 1
2702 Man walks onto a bed and orders a drink. 1.1987 0.03989 151 127 18 6
2703 Can you make believe I'm an audio book! 1.1986 0.03841 146 121 21 4
2704 So, there’s this comic, a riot, but he won’t work blue… 1.1986 0.03841 146 121 21 4
2705 And I'd like to thank my dear loving wife for tolerating my jokes throughout our marriage. She's the best any jerk could hope for. 1.1986 0.03796 141 116 22 3
2706 You know I'm here for one night only? 1.1986 0.03796 141 116 22 3
2707 Got any ice? 1.1986 0.03660 141 115 24 2
2708 . . . So, I'd like to raise a glass to our first chapter. 1.1986 0.03927 141 117 20 4
2709 As she nears the final pages, will she find out whodunit before falling asleep? 1.1986 0.03660 141 115 24 2
2710 I'll try your thing if you try mine. 1.1986 0.03796 141 116 22 3
2711 Some enchanted evening, you will meet a stranger, across a crowded room... 1.1986 0.03660 141 115 24 2
2712 Leaves of Grass?” That explains the crickets. 1.1986 0.03927 141 117 20 4
2713 A new reality TV show; Americas got insomnia! 1.1985 0.04018 136 113 19 4
2714 How do I love me?” Let me count the ways. 1.1985 0.03737 136 111 23 2
2715 Ok, Your turn! I hear a request out there for FRENCH MAID 1.1985 0.03880 136 112 21 3
2716 I’ve been doing this every night for the past ten years - why TONIGHT do you suddenly feel the need to read a book? 1.1985 0.04151 136 114 17 5
2717 I hope you enjoyed the show. I'll be here all this week, and again next week, and all the weeks to come. 1.1985 0.04018 136 113 19 4
2718 Hello, lady with the glasses and the book..... 1.1985 0.04018 136 113 19 4
2719 I can read you like a book 1.1985 0.04018 136 113 19 4
2720 TED talks and talks and talks 1.1985 0.03880 136 112 21 3
2721 When marriage gives you lemons, make observational comedy, amirite? 1.1985 0.04115 131 109 18 4
2722 I wish you'd take me back. I'm a stand-up guy. 1.1985 0.03498 131 105 26 0
2723 Your chances of winning the lottery are virtually identical whether you play or not. 1.1985 0.04115 131 109 18 4
2724 I don't understand how you are going to give me realistic feedback on my speech to the Republican Congress. 1.1984 0.04066 126 104 19 3
2725 Will the lovely and lucky recipient of this enormous diamond engagement ring please stand up and accept it? 1.1984 0.04367 126 106 15 5
2726 As your sleep machine tonight, I am an incredibly boring conference speaker. 1.1984 0.03907 126 103 21 2
2727 It's not inaudible -- it actually is in Audible. 1.1984 0.03741 126 102 23 1
2728 Wait. I thought you said comic and hooker. 1.1984 0.04219 126 105 17 4
2729 Have my jokes been too cheesy, or were you just booked?! Anyone? Anyone? 1.1984 0.04219 126 105 17 4
2730 Who said audiobooks are a modern invention! 1.1984 0.03907 126 103 21 2
2731 A bear and a bumble bee walk into a brothel… 1.1984 0.04219 126 105 17 4
2732 A man in my bed. This is why audio book books are getting so popular! 1.1983 0.04169 121 100 18 3
2733 I was hoping to work on my heckler response strategy. 1.1983 0.04169 121 100 18 3
2734 And then his wife says “I want to have sex with you” 1.1983 0.04331 121 101 16 4
2735 Can I get your attention, Gladys. You promised tonight was date night. 1.1983 0.04169 121 100 18 3
2736 Asking to have sex with you is not a stand up comedy routine. 1.1983 0.04001 121 99 20 2
2737 When she asks to make a joke, not be the joke 1.1983 0.04169 121 100 18 3
2738 And whats the deal with all the pillows in bed? Even the my pillow guy says take it easy 1.1983 0.04001 121 99 20 2
2739 I’m here to enhance your bedtime with a dramatic reading of ‘Goodnight Moon’. Please turn to page 1. 1.1983 0.04280 116 96 17 3
2740 Well, the Jerk Store called and they're running out of you. 1.1983 0.04777 116 99 11 6
2741 Trust me, you'll like this more. 1.1983 0.04617 116 98 13 5
2742 You wan't me to try again?" 1.1983 0.04452 116 97 15 4
2743 A book, eh? Ever been to YouJizz.com? 1.1982 0.04400 111 92 16 3
2744 Check ..check....1,2,3,4... Honey, can you please tip that light up on me. Your dream is about to me true! . 1.1981 0.04114 106 86 19 1
2745 And what's the deal with marital problems, am I right? 1.1975 0.03664 157 130 23 4
2746 A funny thing happened on the way to the podium... 1.1973 0.03565 147 120 25 2
2747 - so the other day I was at the dentist... No? Nothing? Ok... 1.1973 0.03694 147 121 23 3
2748 and you're reading 'how to win friends and influence people'? 1.1972 0.03637 142 116 24 2
2749 And for my next request, I could write a book... 1.1972 0.03902 142 118 20 4
2750 I don't need a caption. I'm already funny. 1.1972 0.03637 142 116 24 2
2751 Teasing, 1, 2, 3. 1.1972 0.03771 142 117 22 3
2752 So my wife was reading in bed the other night, and I say to her 'so my wife was reading in bed the other night, and I say to her...' 1.1972 0.03497 142 115 26 1
2753 And speaking of books, looks like I'm playing the wrong room. 1.1971 0.03991 137 114 19 4
2754 Yea, I'll be here all week." 1.1971 0.03565 137 111 25 1
2755 Only because you said that your parents never read you bedtime stories. 1.1971 0.03712 137 112 23 2
2756 Good evening, lady and germs! And Thank you for booking me for your COVID recovery. 1.1971 0.03712 137 112 23 2
2757 They all die, the end. While over here, this rabbit hops into a bar . . . 1.1971 0.03712 137 112 23 2
2758 No nooky tonight, if I read between the lines. 1.1971 0.03991 137 114 19 4
2759 Come on Marge, I'm doing' Sinatra for you here. 1.1971 0.03712 137 112 23 2
2760 So how many are you are from out of town? 1.1971 0.03854 137 113 21 3
2761 Testing one sheep, Testing two sheep, Testing three sheep! 1.1970 0.03943 132 109 20 3
2762 The audio version got 5 stars. 1.1970 0.03943 132 109 20 3
2763 Gosh, when you think about it, those "Rock-a-Bye Baby" lyrics are really depressing. 1.1970 0.04087 132 110 18 4
2764 OK, I get it that you don’t want me here all week, but could you at least try the veal? 1.1970 0.03793 132 108 22 2
2765 This is not what I had in mind when you asked for an audible book. 1.1970 0.03943 132 109 20 3
2766 My name is stand up Mike 1.1970 0.03943 132 109 20 3
2767 May I have your attention please? The baby is screaming and the washer is in full combat mode. 1.1970 0.04087 132 110 18 4
2768 I’ll be standing up for 4 hours now. Isn’t this what you wanted? 1.1969 0.03879 127 104 21 2
2769 Well, I see we've got a flat audience tonight. 1.1969 0.04189 127 106 17 4
2770 Third person here taking you through the rest of the night. 1.1969 0.03714 127 103 23 1
2771 Gov. DeSentis sent me to assess the extent of your wokeness 1.1969 0.03879 127 104 21 2
2772 Look at the lady in the bed. It's as if she doesn't want to hear my jokes. 1.1969 0.03714 127 103 23 1
2773 Thanks for coming out! I’ve been Dad, and I can also be seen in the dining room at meal times, if you’d bother to show up. 1.1969 0.03879 127 104 21 2
2774 My performance in bed is so bad my wife would rather get her hands on a good book... Oooh...tough room. 1.1969 0.04477 127 108 13 6
2775 So you were serious about not going to the office party? 1.1967 0.03971 122 100 20 2
2776 I'm here all week. Have you tried the Steak Diane? 1.1967 0.04138 122 101 18 3
2777 You have five more minutes to finish The Iliad without using a Greek dictionary. 1.1967 0.04138 122 101 18 3
2778 My wife is reading 'Fifty Shades of Grey'. It kinda describes the world we both inhabit. Jeez, tough audience! 1.1967 0.04138 122 101 18 3
2779 I'll be playing at the Ramada all for the next 3 weeks. 1.1967 0.03971 122 100 20 2
2780 It’s time to face the music. 1.1966 0.03884 117 95 21 1
2781 I'm the unreliable narrator, I think. 1.1966 0.03884 117 95 21 1
2782 The election was so rigged... 1.1961 0.03941 153 129 18 6
2783 And I'm here to announce, reports of her passing are wildly exaggerated. 1.1959 0.03543 148 121 25 2
2784 Now, stop me if you've heard this one... 1.1959 0.03794 148 123 21 4
2785 I know you’re out there, I can hear you yawning! 1.1958 0.03748 143 118 22 3
2786 ''Good night and good luck.'' 1.1958 0.03475 143 116 26 1
2787 Knock knock! Who’s there? Divorce? Divorce who?” 1.1958 0.03614 143 117 24 2
2788 PLEASE put down the book so you can love, honor, and obey me. 1.1957 0.03688 138 113 23 2
2789 I’m going to the garden to eat worms. 1.1957 0.03965 138 115 19 4
2790 Could you turn some of that light my way? 1.1957 0.03829 138 114 21 3
2791 Let's go over the entertainment options that come with your holiday vacation package at the Emily Dickinson Hotel and Spa. 1.1957 0.03965 138 115 19 4
2792 The reason you're an enemy of the people is that you live in a box and never hearing our woke bullshit! 1.1957 0.03829 138 114 21 3
2793 Oh come on, baby, it’s the TED talk for bed talk. 1.1955 0.03916 133 110 20 3
2794 In retrospect, Linda wished she had attended a same sex parochial school. 1.1955 0.03613 133 108 24 1
2795 Who wrote the book of love? 1.1955 0.03916 133 110 20 3
2796 Take my wife, please. Ren Horner 1.1955 0.03767 133 109 22 2
2797 Take my wife, please... gee, tough crowd. 1.1955 0.03767 133 109 22 2
2798 Honey, I said to join a ‘Book Club,’ not a ‘Comedy Club’ 1.1955 0.04059 133 111 18 4
2799 I still don't know why I have to give you a quick synopsis for each chapter. 1.1955 0.03767 133 109 22 2
2800 This little piggy went to... 1.1955 0.03767 133 109 22 2
2801 The burglars are getting so weird 1.1955 0.03916 133 110 20 3
2802 A little about me 1.1955 0.03916 133 110 20 3
2803 That reminds me of a story. 1.1955 0.03767 133 109 22 2
2804 It was either this or listen to a podcast 1.1955 0.03767 133 109 22 2
2805 Is tonight's performance general admission or standing room only? 1.1953 0.03689 128 104 23 1
2806 If I sing will you stop reading the book? 1.1953 0.03689 128 104 23 1
2807 I’m putting em’ to sleep? You’re reading Colleen Hoover! 1.1953 0.03852 128 105 21 2
2808 You didn't like that one about the appendix? Whew, tough crowd. 1.1953 0.04159 128 107 17 4
2809 Enjoy your book, I’m here all week! 1.1953 0.03689 128 104 23 1
2810 If you think a romantic night with me sounds like a joke just wait until you hear my standup! 1.1953 0.03518 128 103 25 0
2811 Don’t make eye contact. Don’t make eye contact. 1.1953 0.04159 128 107 17 4
2812 Take my wife... She told me to focus on my own interests. 1.1951 0.04107 123 102 18 3
2813 Here's a good one; a guy walks into a bedroom... 1.1951 0.03336 164 134 28 2
2814 I know you like background music dear, but you should try a Frank Sinatra album. 1.1951 0.03942 123 101 20 2
2815 I hope I'm not keeping you up past your bedtime. 1.1951 0.04107 123 102 18 3
2816 So in the words of the dear departed comic Rodney Dangerfield... 1.1951 0.03942 123 101 20 2
2817 Hey baby, what do I have to do to get between the sheets with you? 1.1951 0.03942 123 101 20 2
2818 You’re a sleepy audience, but at least you paid the COVERS charge. 1.1951 0.04107 123 102 18 3
2819 Dashing through the snow…aww come on Honey only 10 more days 1.1951 0.03769 123 100 22 1
2820 Testing… hot mic, hot mic. 1.1949 0.04039 118 97 19 2
2821 Don't worry about the wrinkled sheets, I have a second set. 1.1949 0.04383 118 99 15 4
2822 Or impressions—anyone want to hear an impression? I do a pretty good one of my wife: "Take me now." No, doesn't sound like her? Yeah, I guess it's a little dated. 1.1948 0.03694 154 128 22 4
2823 Darling, you were supposed to dress up as a heckler. 1.1948 0.03694 154 128 22 4
2824 When are they restoring our late night comedy channels? 1.1947 0.04329 113 94 16 3
2825 Not exactly what I envisioned when my agent said he got me a gig narrating an audiobook, 1.1946 0.03771 149 124 21 4
2826 So how’s everybody doing tonight? 1.1946 0.03771 149 124 21 4
2827 She said give me a sec, but like Captain America, I can do this aaall day! 1.1946 0.03649 149 123 23 3
2828 Yes, I'm the narrator with the sexy voice. Your wish that I be in your bed has been granted. 1.1944 0.04826 108 92 11 5
2829 Remember when I said the light didn’t bother me when you read before bed? 1.1944 0.03724 144 119 22 3
2830 To play devil’s advocate… 1.1944 0.03591 144 118 24 2
2831 So there I was, my wife in bed reading a book. 1.1942 0.03664 139 114 23 2
2832 Now, you take my wife. PLEASE take my wife! 1.1942 0.03664 139 114 23 2
2833 After a lonely day, she went to bed in company of a book, indeed, what a book 1.1942 0.04069 139 117 17 5
2834 Hi New Yorker caption elves! I know my captions stink. Still, addicting to submit. But this week just wishing you all a happy holiday season! 1.1940 0.04300 134 114 14 6
2835 I dedicate “sweet dreams” to those tucked in bed 1.1940 0.03742 134 110 22 2
2836 The lady in bed is ignoring me, sheet to sheet! 1.1940 0.03429 134 108 26 0
2837 Hey! My Toastmaster's gig happens before your book club. 1.1940 0.03742 134 110 22 2
2838 Hard to make an audience who reads, laugh. 1.1940 0.03589 134 109 24 1
2839 Thank you for coming this evening, I'm here all week. Try the veal 1.1940 0.03889 134 111 20 3
2840 Anyone from Montreal in the room? 1.1940 0.03889 134 111 20 3
2841 Is this your way of telling me that I'm no Mrs. Maisel? 1.1940 0.03589 134 109 24 1
2842 At least the heckler stayed home 1.1940 0.04168 134 113 16 5
2843 I always like to open these with a joke. Tonight, it’s my failed manhood. 1.1938 0.04129 129 108 17 4
2844 I'll be here all week. Try the vibrator in the night stand drawer 1.1938 0.03980 129 107 19 3
2845 She didn't regret hiring the narrator, the book, being in Portuguese. 1.1938 0.03980 129 107 19 3
2846 Thank you! I'm here all night. Let that sink in. 1.1938 0.03980 129 107 19 3
2847 I can see that youre reading that new book that sold over a million copies becuase of a typo of one letter in the title: "An Idea That Can Change Yout Wife" Badda bing - I'll be here all week. 1.1938 0.04129 129 108 17 4
2848 If you are reading another one of those Fifty Shades of Grey books, can you show me what you learned? 1.1938 0.04273 129 109 15 5
2849 You’re reading words and forming a picture in your mind about what they say for entertainment. Isn’t that weird that we do that? It’s so weird how we do that! 1.1938 0.04129 129 108 17 4
2850 This next one goes out to all the lonely people. . .Hey, honey, I'm dying out here. . . 1.1938 0.03663 129 105 23 1
2851 Talk about an audience that’s tough to read. 1.1938 0.03980 129 107 19 3
2852 This hopeful comedian performs stand-up on the bed of a shy librarian... 1.1935 0.04077 124 103 18 3
2853 I don’t think this is what the therapist want by “improving your performance in bed”! 1.1935 0.04077 124 103 18 3
2854 We interrupt this book with an important question: Do you want to make love tonight or just read about it? 1.1935 0.03913 124 102 20 2
2855 How about we do the book club fantasy tonight and the night club one tomorrow. 1.1935 0.03742 124 101 22 1
2856 My wife likes to read before bed. I like to have a drink and practice my comedy routine. You wouldn't believe how awkward it can be, but she's a good sport. Give a hand for my wife... 1.1935 0.04077 124 103 18 3
2857 I am thinking we are going to have to reduce the cover charge. 1.1933 0.03826 119 97 21 1
2858 Can't believe I'm saying this, but I miss the crickets. 1.1933 0.04182 119 99 17 3
2859 Why can't you understand I'm just joking when I use the "take my wife" line with the dinner guests? 1.1933 0.04349 119 100 15 4
2860 I am your man 1.1933 0.04182 119 99 17 3
2861 Predictions are for slight warming and possible humidity between the thighs, depending on how hot that book is. 1.1933 0.03826 119 97 21 1
2862 You're a great audience. No really. Last nights group actually fell asleep on me. I can't get no respect!!! 1.1933 0.04182 119 99 17 3
2863 Tonight's show will feature material from the time you laughed at my hopes and dreams. 1.1933 0.04349 119 100 15 4
2864 Do you mind? I’m working here! 1.1933 0.04349 119 100 15 4
2865 I don’t get no respect! 1.1931 0.03701 145 120 22 3
2866 This is your doting father again… R 1.1931 0.03432 145 118 26 1
2867 Before you turn off the light and go to sleep, I have something I would like to say to you. 1.1930 0.04294 114 95 16 3
2868 But seriously, take my wife...please! 1.1930 0.04109 114 94 18 2
2869 ''I'm gonna say this only once...........'' 1.1930 0.04109 114 94 18 2
2870 Sorry Bob, but I refuse to listen to your talk even one more time. 1.1929 0.03913 140 117 19 4
2871 Our son is dead. 1.1929 0.03913 140 117 19 4
2872 And, now, may I have your attention everyone. I'd like to propose... 1.1929 0.03913 140 117 19 4
2873 Oh yeah, I think the Premium Audio-Book Plan was totally worth it ! 1.1929 0.03641 140 115 23 2
2874 You know you’ve hit rock bottom when you get a bigger reaction from the plant than the wife 1.1929 0.03641 140 115 23 2
2875 Thank you all for coming out tonight… 1.1929 0.03641 140 115 23 2
2876 Now I'd like to slow things down a bit. 1.1927 0.04219 109 90 17 2
2877 This is the best set I've had all year. 1.1927 0.04785 109 93 11 5
2878 Trying to go to sleep is a filibuster! 1.1927 0.04416 109 91 15 3
2879 Before I begin my stand up, I'd just like to say, hold on a minute, excuse me lady library's are for reading, not comedy clubs. 1.1926 0.03717 135 111 22 2
2880 But you said I should do stand up. 1.1926 0.03565 135 110 24 1
2881 This is for you Terry, I know I’ve been a little annoying lately 1.1926 0.04139 135 114 16 5
2882 This is not the ‘tight five’ I had in mind Steve.” 1.1923 0.03952 130 108 19 3
2883 ‘“Are you going to listen to my lullaby now, or not?” 1.1923 0.03952 130 108 19 3
2884 How's the weather down there? 1.1923 0.04100 130 109 17 4
2885 Won’t help my reputation if you tell your friends, I’m a standup comedian in bed. 1.1923 0.03798 130 107 21 2
2886 Tap, Tap. Honey, you are on my side of the bed. Tap, tap, is this thing on? 1.1923 0.03638 130 106 23 1
2887 Honey, I can't use a prompter for stand-up. 1.1923 0.03952 130 108 19 3
2888 Knock knock… who’s there? Not our boots. 1.1923 0.04100 130 109 17 4
2889 Be patient folks. She'll notice me sooner or later. 1.1921 0.03725 151 126 21 4
2890 Thank you for your undivided attention..... 1.1920 0.04047 125 104 18 3
2891 How audiobooks are made 1.1920 0.03715 125 102 22 1
2892 You hear about the traveling salesman who refused Viagra? He was forced into stand up instead. 1.1920 0.04355 125 106 14 5
2893 Good Evening. I'm here tonight to discuss sleeping with you. May I? 1.1920 0.04047 125 104 18 3
2894 Harry, your stand-up routine has become boring! 1.1920 0.03715 125 102 22 1
2895 Have you heard the one about the wife who finds humor a turn-off? Hello? Is this mic on? 1.1920 0.03715 125 102 22 1
2896 Welcome to the show! In just a moment,the lady will pop out of bed to brush her teeth. 1.1920 0.03715 125 102 22 1
2897 Soo..Tuesday open mics have taken a turn 1.1920 0.03715 125 102 22 1
2898 Thank you, thank you. I'll be here until you fall asleep. 1.1918 0.03547 146 120 24 2
2899 This one goes out to all my lonely readers 1.1917 0.03797 120 98 21 1
2900 How do think it makes me feel for you to read while I’m performing! 1.1917 0.03977 120 99 19 2
2901 You’ve been a great audience on our trip down memory lane. Now, our next entertainer is a rising young star who will tell us all about getting the most for her Christmas Dollars. Please give it up for the GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PRESENTS! 1.1917 0.04475 120 102 13 5
2902 What else? What else? 1.1915 0.03325 141 114 27 0
2903 Honey...I have an announcement to make...you're the reason I get bombed every night. 1.1915 0.03755 141 117 21 3
2904 This is more of a comment than an apology. 1.1915 0.03474 141 115 25 1
2905 But seriously...Insomnia is not a laughing matter. 1.1915 0.03617 141 116 23 2
2906 Yeah, my dad would read to me at night. He’d read me the riot act I’ll tell ya.. 1.1915 0.04140 141 120 15 6
2907 You fo reading and i do speech Its a difreent strategy to go sleeping 1.1915 0.03474 141 115 25 1
2908 And then the Papa Bear said, 'Move Over!' 1.1913 0.03885 115 94 20 1
2909 I guess it goes without saying, but I’m here all night. 1.1912 0.03837 136 113 20 3
2910 I’ll be here all week and till death do us part. 1.1912 0.03692 136 112 22 2
2911 So three crawdads walk into a karaoke bar. 1.1912 0.03976 136 114 18 4
2912 Whatever you're reading, it can't be as fascinating as me. 1.1912 0.03542 136 111 24 1
2913 Test. Test. 1, 2, 3. Is this thing on? 1.1912 0.03976 136 114 18 4
2914 So folks, here I am, standing on the bed, pondering the fleeting quality of life, love, and the Spanish Armada.” 1.1912 0.03692 136 112 22 2
2915 So, any readers in the audience? Anyone? 1.1912 0.03976 136 114 18 4
2916 Hunny, is the joke book really necessary right now 1.1912 0.04111 136 115 16 5
2917 Oh God, get away.” Was not on my playbill tonight 1.1912 0.03542 136 111 24 1
2918 So, a guy walks into our bedroom... 1.1912 0.03692 136 112 22 2
2919 Am I reading the room wrong? 1.1912 0.03692 136 112 22 2
2920 The podcast in my phone while I try to read a book 1.1912 0.03976 136 114 18 4
2921 Like most comedians I have a solid 5 minutes 1.1912 0.03384 136 110 26 0
2922 Separate but equal 1.1911 0.03740 157 132 20 5
2923 Testing... One, Two, three. Testing, testing. Can you all hear me out there. Lady, you paid me to be here. Are you r seriously interested in learning how to do stand-up? 1.1909 0.04565 110 93 13 4
2924 If I'm reading the room right, you really need a one-night stand-up. 1.1908 0.03924 131 109 19 3
2925 We are not here to mourn my marriage. Rather to celebrate the all too brief life of my marriage. 1.1908 0.04071 131 110 17 4
2926 Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to the battle of getting a good night's sleep. 1.1908 0.03772 131 108 21 2
2927 In conclusion, let me say "Good Bless America." 1.1908 0.03772 131 108 21 2
2928 So then I said to the guy“read the room, why dontcha” 1.1908 0.04071 131 110 17 4
2929 I know it’s not ideal but we had to do shows over zoom a year ago so it’s an improvement 1.1908 0.03447 131 106 25 0
2930 It's like karaoke, honey, only they call it "audiobooks." 1.1908 0.03447 131 106 25 0
2931 And now, ladies and gentleman, let's welcome her back to the stage for her dream performance --- the pantless book report! 1.1908 0.04071 131 110 17 4
2932 Knock, Knock. Who's there? My wife. My wife who? My wife who ignores me. 1.1908 0.04071 131 110 17 4
2933 Look like I’m actually not going to be here all week 1.1908 0.03924 131 109 19 3
2934 It's a far far better place..., This Dickens reading is brought to you by the BBC. 1.1908 0.03583 152 126 23 3
2935 Do you mind if I work on some new material. 1.1905 0.03857 126 104 20 2
2936 Listen lady, those who can’t, read; those who can, stand up. 1.1905 0.03780 147 123 20 4
2937 I need your vote, but I'll take a book report. 1.1905 0.03857 126 104 20 2
2938 Wait for it . . . she’s turning the page NOW” 1.1901 0.03594 142 117 23 2
2939 You take your work home with you.. 1.1901 0.03731 142 118 21 3
2940 Anyone in the audience ever.... 1.1901 0.03862 142 119 19 4
2941 I get no respect, I tell ya'. Not even at home. 1.1901 0.03594 142 117 23 2
2942 You can pretend I'm not here all you want, but you have to admit I at least LOOK like a comedian. 1.1901 0.03948 121 100 19 2
2943 The mating stylings of … Man o’the House — appearing nightly, twice on Friday. 1.1901 0.03948 121 100 19 2
2944 For my next trick… 1.1901 0.03948 121 100 19 2
2945 Darling, you never listen to me. 1.1901 0.03948 121 100 19 2
2946 I’m washed up! Rotten tomatoes and dames that don’t swoon when I croon! 1.1901 0.03948 121 100 19 2
2947 I’ll give you a minute to let that last sentence sink in. 1.1898 0.03668 137 113 22 2
2948 I bring you the latest version of my speech book, only for you. 1.1898 0.03668 137 113 22 2
2949 Honey, this is my attempt to improve my performance in bed 1.1897 0.03656 116 94 22 0
2950 A guy walks into a bar a says to the bartender, "my wife would rather stay home and read a book." 1.1897 0.04045 116 96 18 2
2951 I see you’re not impressed with my performance in bed 1.1897 0.04045 116 96 18 2
2952 I'll be here until my next orgasm. 1.1897 0.03855 116 95 20 1
2953 A funny thing happened to me on my way here tonight. 1.1895 0.03562 153 127 23 3
2954 And now for my next number, I'd like to return to the classics. I know its from Liberace but this was my first thought when I saw this picture. 1.1895 0.03562 153 127 23 3
2955 Good lookin' group here tonight! Hey, anybody from out of town? 1.1894 0.03588 132 108 23 1
2956 I'm actually pretty funny if you'll give me a chance 1.1894 0.03897 132 110 19 3
2957 And now for a little comedy foreplay 1.1894 0.03897 132 110 19 3
2958 My night terror’s been watching too much Seinfeld. 1.1894 0.03897 132 110 19 3
2959 Mom said Dad was a joke in the bedroom” -Ethan, Age 1.1894 0.03897 132 110 19 3
2960 You ever notice your marriage slowly crumbling? *crickets* 1.1892 0.03632 148 123 22 3
2961 How do you feel about clowns? 1.1892 0.03948 111 91 19 1
2962 Ahem, ahem. Is it turned on? 1.1890 0.03829 127 105 20 2
2963 Carol has started the penultimate chapter. Will she finish the book tonight, or fall asleep before finishing the chapter? Tweet your guesses, and we'll report audience response. 1.1890 0.04143 127 107 16 4
2964 Anyone celebrating a birthday at this mic? 1.1890 0.03989 127 106 18 3
2965 Sorry, no bedtime story tonight. I have to sing for my supper. 1.1890 0.03662 127 104 22 1
2966 Thank you, thank you, I'l be here all week. I have to be. I'm your husband. 1.1888 0.03837 143 120 19 4
2967 So I just walked in from the hallway, and boy are my arms tired 1.1888 0.03707 143 119 21 3
2968 Look, Emmy, I'm making an effort in the bedroom. 1.1887 0.03359 159 131 26 2
2969 I think we agree that comedy is harder when the audience is "woke". 1.1887 0.03475 159 132 24 3
2970 Hey I think I’m pretty good at reading audiences …. Can we turn a page in our life? 1.1885 0.03918 122 101 19 2
2971 You need to stand, when I sing the National Anthem! 1.1885 0.03918 122 101 19 2
2972 Welcome to your personalized entertainment package. I am here to make you laugh. I see already that it’s not working, but guess what? There is no remote for you to shut me off! 1.1885 0.03918 122 101 19 2
2973 No more encores, time to go to bed. 1.1885 0.03556 122 99 23 0
2974 We said the audio book experience, we didn't say we were an app! 1.1885 0.03741 122 100 21 1
2975 He's talking about music again 1.1885 0.03556 122 99 23 0
2976 This book spoke to me in a special way." 1.1884 0.03786 138 115 20 3
2977 And now ladies and sgentlemen, a gift for my swfe. 1.1884 0.03923 138 116 18 4
2978 Why are Time Share contracts so confusing? Who’s sleeping in my bed? 1.1884 0.03923 138 116 18 4
2979 I gotta wish, folks, that I had rehearsed for this speech! 1.1884 0.03644 138 114 22 2
2980 Who's everybody doing tonight? 1.1884 0.03644 138 114 22 2
2981 Do you think this marriage is a joke? 1.1884 0.04184 138 118 14 6
2982 I hear you. Little spoon is an earned privilege. So, I present to you, for the very last time— "A little somethin' I've been workin' on." 1.1884 0.03923 138 116 18 4
2983 ,,,,,,,,,,,,, These written words visualize me standing on your bed speaking into a mic with my drink,,,,, 1.1883 0.03541 154 128 23 3
2984 No, go on Bill, please continue mansplaining 1.1883 0.03659 154 129 21 4
2985 What does it take to get your attention? 1.1880 0.04014 117 97 18 2
2986 My wife says I'm quite loud in the bedroom. I didn't know she was even paying attention. 1.1880 0.03628 117 95 22 0
2987 Thanks. I’ll be here all week. 1.1880 0.03401 133 108 25 0
2988 They said it was so firm you can stand on it. 1.1880 0.03871 133 111 19 3
2989 Wait folks! She is rereading chapter 8. Tune in tomorrow to find out why. 1.1880 0.03720 133 110 21 2
2990 Can we turn the page once I finished my drink? 1.1880 0.04154 133 113 15 5
2991 Is it just me or our marriage is a joke, Paola? 1.1880 0.04154 133 113 15 5
2992 If you were a book, all the library cards would want to check you out. Am I right? 1.1880 0.04015 133 112 17 4
2993 Would you stop reading that book and help me rehearse already? 1.1879 0.03610 149 124 22 3
2994 It was a dark and stormy night club . . . 1.1879 0.03482 149 123 24 2
2995 When Greta wanted an Encore, the singer took it literally. 1.1879 0.03349 149 122 26 1
2996 I don't want to do sexy librarian tonight; I got all dressed up to role play depressed has-been instead. 1.1879 0.03733 149 125 20 4
2997 And how about my mother-in-law? Is she fat or what? I mean, she's so fat, when she sits around the house, she sits around the house. Around it. Hello? Is this thing on? 1.1875 0.03802 128 106 20 2
2998 Now lets all stand and sing our national anthem 1.1875 0.04113 128 108 16 4
2999 Tough room. Let me try a masturbation joke to wake some of you up. 1.1875 0.03567 160 134 22 4
3000 And here we have a supposedly innocent housewife plotting her next move. 1.1875 0.03637 128 105 22 1
3001 For a change, try reading the room. 1.1875 0.04490 112 95 13 4
3002 It’s not stand-up if you’re laying down 1.1875 0.03802 128 106 20 2
3003 We found no evidence that you ever read any of our campaign emails. 1.1875 0.03813 144 121 19 4
3004 I’m trying any sort of live entertainment at this point. 1.1875 0.03683 144 120 21 3
3005 A man walks into a bar... 1.1875 0.03463 128 104 24 0
3006 Don't you hate when the audience tunes you out? 1.1875 0.03961 128 107 18 3
3007 Your imagination is amazing, it's like I'm really here. 1.1875 0.03961 128 107 18 3
3008 A priest, a rabbi, and a what? 1.1875 0.03463 128 104 24 0
3009 🎶Strangers in the bed..la la la la la 🎶 1.1875 0.04307 112 94 15 3
3010 you never seem excited for the nightly 3 minute show 1.1875 0.04116 112 93 17 2
3011 I think I understand more now that I switched to audiobooks with subtitles. 1.1875 0.03549 144 119 23 2
3012 So this is what my new manager means by a “booked gig?” 1.1871 0.03761 139 116 20 3
3013 Can you use 'The Birds and Bees' in a sentence, please? 1.1871 0.03897 139 117 18 4
3014 Thank you very much. I'll be here all night. 1.1871 0.03473 139 114 24 1
3015 Did you hear the one about the guy who lost his wife to Colleen Hoover? 1.1871 0.03473 139 114 24 1
3016 Thank you very much. I'll be here all week. 1.1870 0.03889 123 102 19 2
3017 Well,you always said I was a stand-up guy before we got married. 1.1870 0.04218 123 104 15 4
3018 Now that you've booked me for this gig..... 1.1870 0.03714 123 101 21 1
3019 Test ... 1 ... 2 ... 3. 100 Decibels. Test ... 1 ... 2 ... 3 1.1870 0.04523 123 106 11 6
3020 Good night Sweetie. 1.1870 0.03889 123 102 19 2
3021 You misunderstood what I meant by you need to stand up. 1.1870 0.03889 123 102 19 2
3022 I'm seventeen. My mother has had full custody of me since I was eight and I never see my father, but sometimes I think about him. 1.1870 0.03714 123 101 21 1
3023 With my wife I don’t get no respect... 1.1870 0.04057 123 103 17 3
3024 Maybe one of us should stop taking work home 1.1869 0.04013 107 88 18 1
3025 I dedicate this next song Mister Cellophane to my ex-girlfriend. 1.1867 0.03711 150 126 20 4
3026 So, my wife was ignoring me, reading in bed… 1.1866 0.03844 134 112 19 3
3027 I promise this will be quick, and I won't embarrass you. Honey? 1.1866 0.03987 134 113 17 4
3028 Listen lady, I am offering you an encore. 1.1866 0.03844 134 112 19 3
3029 We’re close to the record ladies and gentlemen. … This young lady has read her 831th book within 24 hours 1.1866 0.03987 134 113 17 4
3030 Does reading my last year’s speech for most widgets sold put you to sleep?” 1.1866 0.03540 134 110 23 1
3031 A donkey walks into a bar... Oh, I guess you've heard this one before. 1.1866 0.03987 134 113 17 4
3032 And Martha was afraid to look up for fear that the man would be standing over her bed. 1.1866 0.03695 134 111 21 2
3033 Two librarians walk into a used bookstore. Okay, how about 'Knock Knock'? 1.1866 0.03540 134 110 23 1
3034 Frank to Betty. Frank to Betty. Last call. Do you read me. Over and out. 1.1864 0.04161 118 99 16 3
3035 I'm ready for my close-up. 1.1864 0.03983 118 98 18 2
3036 Hiding behind your book won't solve anything. 1.1862 0.03527 145 120 23 2
3037 It was in this moment that Janice thought she’d make it through an entire chapter but she would, in fact, only make it two pages before falling asleep. 1.1862 0.03244 145 118 27 0
3038 If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all. 1.1862 0.03527 145 120 23 2
3039 Lamentably, neither your salacious novel nor my dirty talk standup fantasizing is stimulating any arousal. 1.1860 0.03932 129 108 18 3
3040 And my next song, from 1958, 'Cuddle up a Little Closer, Lovey Mine' 1.1860 0.03611 129 106 22 1
3041 NOW HEAR THIS! You read, I drink. It's over! 1.1860 0.03932 129 108 18 3
3042 So, no good on this performance either? 1.1858 0.04272 113 95 15 3
3043 Ted ‘s ghost still waits for a laugh from the wife. 1.1858 0.04272 113 95 15 3
3044 I didn't order an audio book and I'm not paying for it ! 1.1858 0.04083 113 94 17 2
3045 I’m tired of you not listening to me Monica! Now you can hear me loud and clear! It’s over 1.1858 0.04453 113 96 13 4
3046 This chapter is brought to you by the finest pillow cases money can buy. 1.1857 0.03737 140 117 20 3
3047 When she won't meet your eye, and you don't know why--That's ignore'. 1.1857 0.03597 140 116 22 2
3048 So the book is engrossing and I'm just grossing you out, eh?" 1.1857 0.03451 140 115 24 1
3049 You're right, this drink does taste a little funny. 1.1857 0.03597 140 116 22 2
3050 Well, that's been my two minutes. Have a great night and again, apologies for the performance anxiety." 1.1857 0.04251 140 121 12 7
3051 Though my feelings are bruised, Bunny, I'm glad to see you reading, and not on your cell. 1.1855 0.03687 124 102 21 1
3052 Hey, I'm dying up here! 1.1855 0.03687 124 102 21 1
3053 Good evening dear. I know you say you hear everything I tell you, but this time I just want to be sure. I am running away with the circus. Goodbye and good luck. 1.1855 0.04187 124 105 15 4
3054 This not what you meant when asking me for stand up is it? 1.1855 0.03687 124 102 21 1
3055 I guess that’s twice I couldn’t perform in bed. 1.1855 0.03861 124 103 19 2
3056 I don't care if 'this thing is on' Bill 1.1855 0.04027 124 104 17 3
3057 I hereby declare my support for Dr. Oz. Your reproductive health is now in the hands of local political leaders. 1.1855 0.03687 124 102 21 1
3058 When we met and you said how much you liked 'reading in bed', I didn't know you meant, like, reading in bed. 1.1854 0.03566 151 126 22 3
3059 This isn't what you meant by a 'stand up kinda guy', is it?" 1.1852 0.03670 135 112 21 2
3060 This week folks: we have her staying in for the third Saturday in a row. 1.1852 0.03818 135 113 19 3
3061 Okay. Maybe I won't do this act at the club tonight. 1.1852 0.03356 135 110 25 0
3062 And I'll be here all adolescence. 1.1852 0.03517 135 111 23 1
3063 And on January 8th I have a one-night stand in Claudia's bedroo 1.1852 0.04393 108 91 14 3
3064 Heeeere Isn't Johnny! 1.1852 0.03818 135 113 19 3
3065 Live from East Bumkus, it’s Saturday night! 1.1852 0.03818 135 113 19 3
3066 . “Schwartz is dead?” 1.1852 0.03417 162 135 24 3
3067 Testing 1,2,3. Yes, I know I’m not plugged in but it’s my turn not to be listened to tonight. 1.1849 0.03637 146 122 21 3
3068 Next act: Mrs Maisel waiting to come on stage! 1.1849 0.03505 146 121 23 2
3069 She. Could. Read. All. The. Way! 1.1849 0.03505 146 121 23 2
3070 I need more ice, sir. 1.1849 0.03367 146 120 25 1
3071 Alright it’s my bedtime everybody g’night! 1.1849 0.03765 146 123 19 4
3072 I guess I only get laughs when I’m in bed. 1.1849 0.03952 119 99 18 2
3073 All you people out there, you didn’t think an audiobook really talks, did you? 1.1849 0.03768 119 98 20 1
3074 My wife keeps complaining about my performance problems in the bedroom. 1.1849 0.03768 119 98 20 1
3075 I hope you enjoyed your complimentary toast, remember check out time is 11:00am. 1.1849 0.03768 119 98 20 1
3076 And for my nest number, I'll be setting myself on fire... 1.1849 0.03952 119 99 18 2
3077 Yes, that word is in there — nonstandard, true, colloquial perhaps, hell maybe slang even, but it is a damn word! 1.1849 0.04128 119 100 16 3
3078 I could call it "open mike reading...or maybe calling it "audio books" would be more catchy! 1.1847 0.03360 157 130 25 2
3079 Uhmmmm…… Oh, Emily, rather than another bedtime story, I have a bedtime song for you….. In fact, without being redundant, it’s entitled ‘A Bedtime Song for You.’ Hope you like it!” 1.1846 0.04055 130 110 16 4
3080 What's on first? No, wait. How's on first? Right? 1.1846 0.04199 130 111 14 5
3081 Call me, maybe its late but just Call me, Call me and I'll be arouuuundddd. 1.1846 0.03749 130 108 20 2
3082 Concentration......or .....Ignoring ??? 1.1846 0.03905 130 109 18 3
3083 It says here to deliver your line with wit and lingering melancholy. 1.1846 0.04055 130 110 16 4
3084 I thought playing this room would be tough. But my agent, Rumplestilskin, called it a dream job. 1.1846 0.04199 130 111 14 5
3085 Welcome to my “only stands” 1.1845 0.03339 168 140 25 3
3086 I want to be able to tell you to turn off your tablet just like other parents. 1.1845 0.04523 103 87 13 3
3087 You said you wanted to role-play more in the bedroom. 1.1844 0.03429 141 116 24 1
3088 This is my first gig since Caroline’s closed. 1.1844 0.03573 141 117 22 2
3089 Wow -- your power of imagination is off the scale!" 1.1842 0.04238 114 96 15 3
3090 ”To the lady in the front, thank you for dressing up 1.1842 0.03647 114 93 21 0
3091 And that's why I want your vote for Husband of the Year 1.1842 0.04050 114 95 17 2
3092 And you wonder why I'm like this? Your indifferent heckling threw my timing off again! 1.1840 0.03833 125 104 19 2
3093 Can my wife take me, please? 1.1840 0.03833 125 104 19 2
3094 How do you think I'll win if I don't practice. 1.1840 0.03660 125 103 21 1
3095 I’ve never been heckled by someone reading me the riot act. 1.1840 0.03833 125 104 19 2
3096 I'm starting to think you meant “stand up” instead of “do stand-up". 1.1840 0.03997 125 105 17 3
3097 Excuse me, hello, honey, love, … your light is bothering my routine. 1.1840 0.03997 125 105 17 3
3098 I've heard that reading in bed is bad for insomnia. 1.1838 0.03646 136 113 21 2
3099 There's no ice in this......... 1.1838 0.03792 136 114 19 3
3100 A funny thing happened as I was filing my divorce papers. 1.1838 0.03792 136 114 19 3
3101 It’s more of a comment. 1.1838 0.03933 136 115 17 4
3102 You can't keep ignoring me..I need you to honor my spousal rights as a husband! 1.1837 0.04886 98 84 10 4
3103 …I’ll be here all week. Try the best sellers… 1.1837 0.03864 147 125 17 5
3104 This is an announcement. The book on positions, after our wine, does not include a microphone 1.1837 0.03615 147 123 21 3
3105 Look, the sleep paralysis budget has been real tight lately. 1.1833 0.03922 120 100 18 2
3106 Look honey, I met the boys,I’m sorry, I know speechifying doesn’t help but there’s no need to read the riot act. 1.1833 0.03922 120 100 18 2
3107 And I’ll be playing here all night. 1.1833 0.03922 120 100 18 2
3108 I guess my standup isn’t as good as I thought. 1.1833 0.03922 120 100 18 2
3109 My wife likes to read erotica instead of having sex with me,ahem. 1.1833 0.04097 120 101 16 3
3110 Hey lady, keep reading that book and I'll fall asleep! 1.1833 0.04097 120 101 16 3
3111 Hello, I'm talking to you! 1.1833 0.03922 120 100 18 2
3112 I'm guessing my new career as a stand-up comedian hasn't impressed you at all, Martha. 1.1833 0.03922 120 100 18 2
3113 I’m really bored being your conscience. 1.1832 0.03723 131 109 20 2
3114 No honey, the word is hologram. A horogram is what your boyfriend wanted for Christmas. 1.1832 0.03723 131 109 20 2
3115 I'm super thrilled to be back here for this week's final performance. 1.1832 0.03723 131 109 20 2
3116 And she said, "Your sense of humor." 1.1832 0.03723 131 109 20 2
3117 The lady down front here doesn't seem to grasp the environment she's in. 1.1832 0.03723 131 109 20 2
3118 What do you mean I'm mansplaining? 1.1832 0.03723 131 109 20 2
3119 Wow tough crowd tonight huh? I didn’t realize I was actually putting you to sleep 1.1832 0.03562 131 108 22 1
3120 Yes, I'm married..,I've been married eleven years..Thank you! Thank you! 1.1831 0.03688 142 119 20 3
3121 You said I should make my own toast. 1.1831 0.03407 142 117 24 1
3122 You want blue? Stick around for the late show. 1.1831 0.03688 142 119 20 3
3123 No no, you’re doing great. 1.1830 0.03524 153 128 22 3
3124 𝙸 𝚕𝚘𝚟𝚎 𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚜 𝚜𝚝𝚘𝚛𝚢. 𝙾𝚑 𝚖𝚢 𝚐𝚘𝚍! 𝙲𝚊𝚗'𝚝 𝚠𝚊𝚒𝚝 𝚝𝚘 𝚜𝚎𝚎 𝚒𝚏 𝙼𝚊𝚛𝚒𝚊'𝚜 𝚘𝚗𝚎-𝚗𝚒𝚐𝚑𝚝-𝚜𝚝𝚊𝚗𝚍-𝚞𝚙 𝚠𝚎𝚗𝚝 𝚋𝚊𝚍 𝚘𝚛 𝚗𝚘𝚝 1.1827 0.04483 104 88 13 3
3125 Welcome to my new production of Once Upon a Mattress. 1.1826 0.03823 115 95 19 1
3126 You said we needed better communication. That's what you said. 1.1826 0.03823 115 95 19 1
3127 And that’s why I deserve some “us” time. 1.1826 0.04204 115 97 15 3
3128 When I do stand-up for you, you never appreciate it. 1.1825 0.04125 126 107 15 4
3129 It's under "h" for heckle.... 1.1825 0.04125 126 107 15 4
3130 If on the other hand, your interest rate increases, I certainly would be interested in inflation. 1.1825 0.03634 126 104 21 1
3131 Testing one, two, three ... Lori, I concede. 1.1825 0.03968 126 106 17 3
3132 That’s your answer to everything. 1.1825 0.03805 126 105 19 2
3133 But you said you wanted more humor in our marriage... 1.1825 0.03968 126 106 17 3
3134 So my observational humor doesn't grab you, is what you're saying? 1.1825 0.03968 126 106 17 3
3135 I’ll do my best to keep you laughing, you got better things to do? 1.1825 0.03805 126 105 19 2
3136 Sorry I only do covers 1.1825 0.03968 126 106 17 3
3137 So...come here....ever? 1.1825 0.03622 137 114 21 2
3138 Hopefully this audition will be over by my bedtime. 1.1825 0.03622 137 114 21 2
3139 Good evening Ladies and Gentlemen. Tonight, I am coming to you live from Barbara’s Boredom Book Bedroom where the goal is to see who will fall asleep last, Barbara or you. Good Luck! 1.1825 0.03907 137 116 17 4
3140 This motherfucker. 1.1818 0.04391 121 104 12 5
3141 Cool book, nerd. who has four-eyes and is a nerd? My wife. Who would rather read a book than pay attention to me? Ol' Four-Eyes-the-Nerd. Baby, please pretend to be paying attention. I love you and want support for my passion of insult humor. 1.1818 0.03850 132 111 18 3
3142 Does it say what to do when Standup doesn't arouse you? 1.1818 0.03892 121 101 18 2
3143 I get it! Books on karaoke are not your thing! 1.1818 0.03711 121 100 20 1
3144 The fans here always expect too much 1.1818 0.04121 110 92 16 2
3145 You loved me my lady, though in my grave I lie I'll always be with you This rose will never die, this rose will never die… 1.1818 0.03251 154 127 26 1
3146 I'm working on my sleep-tight-five. 1.1818 0.03892 121 101 18 2
3147 Honey, I don’t think this is “spicing up” anything. 1.1818 0.03850 132 111 18 3
3148 And for my next act I'd like to share the highlights of my day which include cold soup, indigestion and an office fridge debacle. 1.1818 0.03697 132 110 20 2
3149 Is my style a too didactic? pontificating? Or is it just sophistry to you? 1.1818 0.03528 143 119 22 2
3150 Thanks for being so understanding and helping me work through my performance anxiety, dear. 1.1818 0.04391 121 104 12 5
3151 ...and then my therapist said, "What does your wife think about your career goals? 1.1818 0.03711 121 100 20 1
3152 Unaccustomed as I am to privatye speaking... 1.1818 0.04508 110 94 12 4
3153 When late-night made house calls. 1.1818 0.03892 121 101 18 2
3154 Honey, I’m cashing in my eye contact card tonight 1.1818 0.03697 132 110 20 2
3155 Shoot, I knew I missed a step in tonight’s dinner recipe. 1.1818 0.04391 121 104 12 5
3156 Christopher, I hate it when you bring work home with you 1.1818 0.03503 154 129 22 3
3157 When I told my manager to book more gigs, this isn’t what I meant. 1.1818 0.03697 132 110 20 2
3158 Susan always knew getting a good nights sleep as an adult was a joke but this was getting ridiculous 1.1818 0.03370 132 108 24 0
3159 Wanna hear a really loud bedtime story? 1.1812 0.03570 149 125 21 3
3160 Hi, I’m your Sunday scaries and I’ll be here all night 1.1812 0.03570 149 125 21 3
3161 Thanks. And don't forget, I'm here all week... honey? 1.1812 0.03448 138 114 23 1
3162 Let me talk you to sleep. 1.1812 0.03598 138 115 21 2
3163 Good night, Moon. You've been great. 1.1812 0.04015 138 118 15 5
3164 So, I am here tonight to announce that I am trying. Really trying. 1.1812 0.03598 138 115 21 2
3165 So you lied about funny? 1.1811 0.03778 127 106 19 2
3166 This one goes out to all the wives whose low tech husbands have become obsolete. 1.1811 0.03778 127 106 19 2
3167 And finally, I’d like to thank my wife for supporting me very step of the way. I can’t count the number of times I rehearsed my set in front of her—sometimes right in our bedroom. I love ya, Honey! 1.1811 0.03608 127 105 21 1
3168 Here’s to the prettiest. Here’s to the wittiest. Here’s to the woman so loyal and true. Here’s to the nearest. Here’s to dearest. Here’s to them all… But it had to be you! 1.1810 0.03986 116 97 17 2
3169 They say you should never read in bed - the bed should be reserved for just sleep and sex. 1.1810 0.03986 116 97 17 2
3170 That one used to KILL in Vegas. I want a divorce. 1.1810 0.04346 116 99 13 4
3171 So there was this stand up guy,whose wife preferred to read a book than read the room 1.1810 0.03794 116 96 19 1
3172 You've been a great audience. I'll be here all week. And the week after that. 1.1806 0.03482 155 130 22 3
3173 Please lady, all I need are your ears. 1.1806 0.03217 144 118 26 0
3174 Did you take out the trash? 1.1806 0.03364 144 119 24 1
3175 I’m just trying to improve the fun in bed. 1.1806 0.03217 144 118 26 0
3176 May I have your attention, please ... last call for nightcaps. 1.1805 0.03672 133 111 20 2
3177 Feed me that line again. 1.1805 0.03672 133 111 20 2
3178 Your audio book is available... now... now... plus 9.99.... 1.1805 0.03672 133 111 20 2
3179 I don't know what I am in the kitchen, but if you gave me a chance I could be a crooner in the bedroom. 1.1805 0.03513 133 110 22 1
3180 You can read me like a cheap joke book. 1.1805 0.03672 133 111 20 2
3181 We’re happy that every employee could make it, this year. 1.1805 0.03824 133 112 18 3
3182 I can see why you think your dream has homoerotic content Virginia, but sometimes a book is just a book and a mic is just a mic. 1.1805 0.03347 133 109 24 0
3183 And to quote the great Henny Youngman ... ah, forget it. 1.1803 0.03863 122 102 18 2
3184 I meant for you to pretend like you were reading the crowd! 1.1803 0.03684 122 101 20 1
3185 I am not going to be ghosted, you ghoul. 1.1803 0.03684 122 101 20 1
3186 So, I thought if Pete Davidson gets women this way, let me give it a try. 1.1803 0.03863 122 102 18 2
3187 If I could have your attention for a moment … 1.1803 0.03495 122 100 22 0
3188 Lights out! 1.1803 0.04035 122 103 16 3
3189 And don't forget to tip your librarian 1.1803 0.03684 122 101 20 1
3190 Well, you said you wanted more entertainment in bed. 1.1803 0.03863 122 102 18 2
3191 Honey, you're not laughing. 1.1803 0.03495 122 100 22 0
3192 Audible Platinum 1.1803 0.03863 122 102 18 2
3193 Two Book Worm, Old Maids walk into a bar... 1.1803 0.04035 122 103 16 3
3194 And my last song, as always: “That’s the night the lights went out in Georgia”. Edith Birdsall, Houston, TX 1.1802 0.03665 111 91 20 0
3195 Any birthdays out there tonight? 1.1800 0.03286 150 124 25 1
3196 Let’s give it up for the little lady who said she’d rather read a good book in bed tonight than hear my material. 1.1799 0.03717 139 117 19 3
3197 ... so like my Paw would often say, there's no 'me' in 'team,' because it's all of us, pulling together, that makes this, right here, work so well. 1.1799 0.03855 139 118 17 4
3198 On behalf of the staff at Ticketmaster, and Taylor Swift, we hope you can "Shake It Off" . 1.1799 0.03425 139 115 23 1
3199 Hey, it's rude to read at a show. 1.1799 0.03988 139 119 15 5
3200 Is reading about alcoholism as much fun as practicing alcoholism? 1.1799 0.03717 139 117 19 3
3201 I’m trying out some new material. 1.1799 0.03574 139 116 21 2
3202 Yup...my routine sucks tonight. Whatcha reading? 1.1797 0.03911 128 108 17 3
3203 C'mon, honey. I'm working on my tight five 1.1797 0.03583 128 106 21 1
3204 I'm running because I want to be your husband again! 1.1797 0.03583 128 106 21 1
3205 Calling Room of One's Own, Sylvia Plath, or Steven King can you read (me)? 1.1797 0.04065 128 109 15 4
3206 Now about that lost spring in my step you've been complaining about. . . . 1.1797 0.03751 128 107 19 2
3207 I hope you enjoyed "The Sun Also Rises" by Ernest Hemingway. 1.1797 0.03751 128 107 19 2
3208 Miss Paroo is on the next-to-last page! In a moment we'll learn if Fitzwilliam scores, or if Elizabeth decides on spinsterhood--but first, this message." +- 1.1797 0.04214 128 110 13 5
3209 OK, Did you hear the one about the guy who walks into the bedroom… 1.1795 0.04137 117 99 15 3
3210 The only way to get a crowd is to get in bed with them! 1.1795 0.03764 117 97 19 1
3211 I got locked out of my Facebook account, so here goes. 1.1795 0.03764 117 97 19 1
3212 So this woman who's got issues with her husband walks in to a bar... 1.1795 0.03563 117 96 21 0
3213 Attention, K-Mart shoppers! 1.1795 0.03955 117 98 17 2
3214 I can’t help but feel like you don’t pay me any attention anymore. 1.1795 0.03955 117 98 17 2
3215 Let's do an improv. I'm a middle aged man holding a drink and you're a naive nymphet reading a book. 1.1795 0.04137 117 99 15 3
3216 Wow, this imagery is so real! 1.1793 0.03484 145 121 22 2
3217 A funny thing happened to me on my way to bed 1.1793 0.03748 145 123 18 4
3218 A different kind of stage fright! 1.1792 0.04405 106 90 13 3
3219 Show of hands, anyone here have a family? You know how the parents and kids seem to live in different worlds these days? ... 1.1791 0.03943 134 114 16 4
3220 I’m supporting you as a disinterested audience member for your stand-up career. 1.1791 0.03798 134 113 18 3
3221 The Tempur-pedic comedian wanted to land this joke almost as much as he wanted to land his wife’s affection. 1.1791 0.03798 134 113 18 3
3222 Now I’m going to tell the one about how you often don’t come here. 1.1789 0.03470 123 101 22 0
3223 It' s like you're right hree with me. I'll never close this book. 1.1789 0.04168 123 105 14 4
3224 And now the end is near, I did it my way! 1.1789 0.03657 123 102 20 1
3225 Millennial foreplay! 1.1789 0.03835 123 103 18 2
3226 Last call’s in 15 minutes. 1.1789 0.04005 123 104 16 3
3227 open mic night?..wow, thanks for the warm welcome!". 1.1789 0.04005 123 104 16 3
3228 I said after this drink maybe a little love making would be in order. 1.1788 0.03527 151 127 21 3
3229 What does the program say? 1.1788 0.03650 151 128 19 4
3230 ...and the winner for Husband of the Year goes to ... 1.1786 0.03693 140 118 19 3
3231 Crooning: A Collection 1.1786 0.04054 112 94 16 2
3232 And in the audience tonight, we have my wife Anne who appears to be not in the least bit interested. 1.1786 0.03551 140 117 21 2
3233 I can multitask, I am listening, you did not have to get on the bed 1.1786 0.03551 140 117 21 2
3234 Of course I’m going to heckle you, you’re in the front row. 1.1783 0.04036 129 110 15 4
3235 The pandemic has made standup comedy a lot harder. 1.1783 0.04184 129 111 13 5
3236 So then I said, I don't HAVE a mother!" "Get out of my room, you standup failure." 1.1783 0.03558 129 107 21 1
3237 It's a tough crowd tonight." 1.1783 0.03558 129 107 21 1
3238 MSG, it turns out, referred to Madison’s Spare Guestroom. 1.1783 0.03883 129 109 17 3
3239 No matter how many times Harold sang Fly Me to the Moon, he knew Shirley had a headache and he wouldn’t be going anywhere. 1.1783 0.03883 129 109 17 3
3240 Am sure that book is great, but am letting you know, I am up for your attention. 1.1783 0.03724 129 108 19 2
3241 You didn't like my performance? 1.1783 0.03724 129 108 19 2
3242 Turn off the light when you're finished, dear. 1.1783 0.03883 129 109 17 3
3243 So what does Mr. Rochester say about the woman in the attic? 1.1781 0.03849 146 125 16 5
3244 Out washing machine is so old it's been repaired twice... What's up with that!? 1.1781 0.03462 146 122 22 2
3245 Being a comedian,I always joked I'll watch you when I'm gone 1.1780 0.03735 118 98 19 1
3246 You've lost that loving feeling. Speaking of feelings, I lost mine at the luggage claim the other day. 1.1780 0.04105 118 100 15 3
3247 Is this thing on? I’m talking about our marriage, Janice. 1.1780 0.04278 118 101 13 4
3248 By the way, I’ll be here all week” 1.1778 0.03622 135 113 20 2
3249 It's time to turn in, can you hear me now? 1.1778 0.03466 135 112 22 1
3250 I put on my best show for you every night - yet you still prefer to reach for your romance novel. What gives? 1.1778 0.03915 135 115 16 4
3251 It's your own fault for marrying a standup guy. 1.1778 0.03622 135 113 20 2
3252 I guess the opposite of stand-up isn't heckling. 1.1778 0.03772 135 114 18 3
3253 I guess that book does it for you more than I do. 1.1778 0.03772 135 114 18 3
3254 Meet our last Reading in Bed contestant, Fran, performing 'prologue to Wuthering Heights' 1.1778 0.04054 135 116 14 5
3255 Thanks, you’ve been a great crowd! 1.1778 0.03772 135 114 18 3
3256 Good night. You've been an unparalleled audience. 1.1776 0.03628 152 129 19 4
3257 That’s what she read. 1.1774 0.03630 124 103 20 1
3258 And then there came the day when I realized my wife didn't love me anymore. That was a shocker. 1.1774 0.03806 124 104 18 2
3259 The lived happily ever after... sure they did kid. 1.1774 0.03806 124 104 18 2
3260 Thank you. A funny thing happened to me on the way to the bedroom - one of our kids actually acknowledged my existence. 1.1774 0.03630 124 103 20 1
3261 Hey, check, check. Is this thing on? 1.1774 0.03806 124 104 18 2
3262 Diane always had a feeling someone else was in the room with her 1.1774 0.03806 124 104 18 2
3263 I'm gone, girl. 1.1774 0.03806 124 104 18 2
3264 Hope you’re enjoying the free audiobook that came with your purchase. 1.1774 0.04292 124 107 12 5
3265 I'm here all week, Francine, so you're going to have to pay attention to me at some point. 1.1773 0.03669 141 119 19 3
3266 … page 345, page 346, page 347… bingo! 1.1773 0.03228 141 116 25 0
3267 Are you sure this is how Lenny Bruce got started? 1.1773 0.03528 141 118 21 2
3268 I can assure the audience that tonight's reenactment mirrors the novel. 1.1773 0.03669 141 119 19 3
3269 I’ll be better with the character voices, just give me another chance 1.1773 0.03669 141 119 19 3
3270 Check, check 123. Do you still love me? 1.1770 0.03606 113 93 20 0
3271 I think your audience participation skills need honing. 1.1770 0.04021 113 95 16 2
3272 Don’t forget to tip your bartender and tuck yourself in. 1.1770 0.04213 113 96 14 3
3273 Think of me as you favorite talking book. 1.1769 0.03698 130 109 19 2
3274 Sick in bed? So unlike my one-night gig, you're here all weak. 1.1769 0.03698 130 109 19 2
3275 Don't look so rested. Dick Cheney is still alive! 1.1769 0.04007 130 111 15 4
3276 „And then he was like… and then she was like… Darling, that was so hilarious!… Darling? Darling??“ 1.1769 0.04007 130 111 15 4
3277 But, seriously folks, take my wife, please. 1.1769 0.03701 147 125 18 4
3278 Yes, yes, that makes much more sense as a warm-up. 1.1769 0.03573 147 124 20 3
3279 I just flew in from New York and boy are my jokes tired. 1.1765 0.04275 102 86 14 2
3280 I thought women liked men with a sense of humor. 1.1765 0.04026 136 117 14 5
3281 Hi, well this looks like a great crowd. Where are you from ? Yes you in the front row under the covers. 1.1765 0.03894 119 100 17 2
3282 Good evening Ladies and Germs… 1.1765 0.03598 136 114 20 2
3283 Take my wife's book – please! Thank you, lady and gerunds. I'm here all night. Try the Ferrante. Hello? Is this thing on?" 1.1765 0.04244 119 102 13 4
3284 ...and the doctor says, "Little Dorrit?" 1.1765 0.03598 136 114 20 2
3285 And the winner is... 1.1765 0.03746 136 115 18 3
3286 First, I'd like to thank my wife, without whom none of this would have been possible. 1.1765 0.03889 136 116 16 4
3287 After this, I swear I’ll never work another bedroom. 1.1765 0.03889 136 116 16 4
3288 Coming up next on "Live from Kayla's Bedroom," Mom will be singing one of your all time favorites, "Hush, Little Baby." But first, how did you do on that math test?" 1.1765 0.03443 136 113 22 1
3289 Crooners —archaic. I group of make singers tapping into the emotional vulnerability of women’s emotions. 1.1765 0.03894 119 100 17 2
3290 Yes folks, most of my problems arise because I get no respect. 1.1765 0.03443 136 113 22 1
3291 I’m trying to satisfy your request for more variety in bed - could you at least look up now and then? 1.1765 0.03598 136 114 20 2
3292 I wish you all the best in your retirement. 1.1765 0.03509 119 98 21 0
3293 50 Shades of greyish 1.1765 0.03598 136 114 20 2
3294 Okay, I get it. My stand up routine needs a few tweaks. 1.1761 0.03207 142 117 25 0
3295 I may not be funny, but I do the stand-up thing pretty well. 1.1761 0.03779 142 121 17 4
3296 What's for dinner tomorrow? 1.1761 0.03779 142 121 17 4
3297 Shouldn't have married a dreamer. 1.1761 0.03505 142 119 21 2
3298 Hey now, is this thing on? 1.1760 0.03604 125 104 20 1
3299 Thanks, you've been a great crowd and I mean that sincerely. 1.1760 0.03945 125 106 16 3
3300 I'm sorry my standup isn't what it used to be. 1.1760 0.03778 125 105 18 2
3301 This evening's attention contest results: Interesting non-fiction book--1, Slick fictional news--0 1.1757 0.03282 148 123 24 1
3302 Stay tuned for tomorrow night's chapter! 1.1756 0.03508 131 109 21 1
3303 Your first open mike night? 1.1756 0.03508 131 109 21 1
3304 The midnight show will be starting in a few moments...remember to tip the waitstaff. 1.1756 0.04124 131 113 13 5
3305 If I never comedian-bombed it means I didn't work hard. Sorry again about last night. 1.1756 0.03979 131 112 15 4
3306 How many of you are from out of mind? 1.1756 0.03979 131 112 15 4
3307 Stop lecturing me. I want to read my book. 1.1756 0.03672 131 110 19 2
3308 Sorry about the veal. 1.1756 0.03508 131 109 21 1
3309 Hell gig. 1.1756 0.03672 131 110 19 2
3310 Do I still need to make whale noises to help you fall asleep? 1.1756 0.03829 131 111 17 3
3311 Your bedtime story time may be getting a bit out of hand. 1.1754 0.03789 114 95 18 1
3312 Well this is how @jimgaffigan and his wife write jokes. Sooo… 1.1754 0.03789 114 95 18 1
3313 Reading again ? This is Biden's world for crying out loud ! All books will be burned soon. His edict. Want some bourbon? 1.1752 0.03574 137 115 20 2
3314 Hey lady in the bed there, whatcha reading? 1.1752 0.03721 137 116 18 3
3315 I seem to not get your attention when we’re in bed. Do I need to change my approach? 1.1752 0.03574 137 115 20 2
3316 Not tonight, Ricky. I've got a headache. 1.1752 0.03721 137 116 18 3
3317 Today was a regular day at the office. 1.1750 0.03864 120 101 17 2
3318 I get it, you want the bit bible and verse. 1.1750 0.03864 120 101 17 2
3319 Attention, attention… 1.1750 0.03864 120 101 17 2
3320 I always know exactly what my wife is thinking. She’s an open book I tell ya. 1.1750 0.03864 120 101 17 2
3321 Turns out we've both got a tight 5 in us after all. 1.1750 0.04042 120 102 15 3
3322 Check, check. Is this thing on? 1.1748 0.03338 143 119 23 1
3323 i consider myself the luckiest man on the face of the earth. 1.1748 0.04005 103 86 16 1
3324 Did you hear the one about Cinderella and the Rabbi?" 1.1746 0.04228 126 109 12 5
3325 Hey, Juliet! Romeo here. I’m doing my best without a balcony and lute. 1.1746 0.03916 126 107 16 3
3326 I'll be doing a week at the Red Roof, Topeka, then the Fairmont for a month. 1.1746 0.03395 126 104 22 0
3327 The heckling was better. 1.1746 0.03578 126 105 20 1
3328 The year is 1995: "Hi, my name is Jeff Bezos. Our newest product is going to be named, 'Audible.com'. This is just the beginning ... we're still working on the technology." 1.1746 0.03751 126 106 18 2
3329 I stand for women’s rights and am asking for your vote. 1.1745 0.03398 149 125 22 2
3330 My wife's husband is sooo stupid...This is where you say, 'How stupid is he?!' 1.1743 0.03651 109 90 19 0
3331 Now I'm not trying to preach to you. 1.1743 0.03651 109 90 19 0
3332 I told you Ross... I 'm not coming to your lecture about dinosaurs... 1.1743 0.04090 109 92 15 2
3333 I’m here all week, try the leftover meatballs on the second shelf in the fridge 1.1743 0.04090 109 92 15 2
3334 For the last time Tommy, I’m not in the mood tonight! 1.1743 0.03876 109 91 17 1
3335 I'll be here all week. In fact, for the rest of my natural life. 1.1742 0.03646 132 111 19 2
3336 I just flew in from the kitchen. Boy are my arms tired! 1.1742 0.03802 132 112 17 3
3337 You don't need to make a speech every time you have a dream. 1.1742 0.03951 132 113 15 4
3338 My wife married a frustrated stand up comedian. 1.1742 0.03314 132 109 23 0
3339 We’ll try it your way. 1.1742 0.03646 132 111 19 2
3340 I wanted to try out my new stand up comedy routine on you before I hit the road. 1.1742 0.03484 132 110 21 1
3341 The marriage counselor said I needed a bigger voice. 1.1742 0.03802 132 112 17 3
3342 Oh, no! My sleep joking is back. How was I? Did I kill? 1.1742 0.03646 132 111 19 2
3343 Call a doctor…my election’s lasting too long. 1.1742 0.03951 132 113 15 4
3344 And Ya yes, the lady in my bed... I'm guessing you don't have a headache tonight. 1.1742 0.03484 132 110 21 1
3345 We have a one novel minimum tonight, so... Don't forget to tip your novelists. 1.1742 0.03484 132 110 21 1
3346 Why wait any longer for the one you love when he’s standing in front of you? 1.1742 0.03646 132 111 19 2
3347 And heeeeeere's my wife, as she begins her nightly routine to attempt to fail asleep. 1.1742 0.03646 132 111 19 2
3348 Thanks, I'm here all lifetime. Don't forget to tip your waitstaff. 1.1739 0.03956 115 97 16 2
3349 I JUST FLEW IN FROM CHICAGO, BOY ARE MY ARMS TIRED. 1.1739 0.03550 138 116 20 2
3350 So, a guy walks into his bedroom and his wife isn’t really there. 1.1739 0.03550 115 95 20 0
3351 Your bedtime routine is boring, S 1.1739 0.03398 138 115 22 1
3352 ``To my faithful and loving audience, I promise never to repeat Henny Youngman's famous `Take my wife - please' joke ever again.'' 1.1739 0.03696 138 117 18 3
3353 I don’t feel you supporting my stand up dream 1.1739 0.03696 138 117 18 3
3354 I told you to get new batteries for those hearing aids 1.1736 0.03461 144 121 21 2
3355 Don’t worry” they said, “this is always how it starts” they said 1.1736 0.03461 144 121 21 2
3356 Maude, you’ve had a long day, wouldn’t you like to just listen to the audio version? 1.1736 0.03651 121 101 19 1
3357 Be honest, honey. Do you think I can make it as a stand-up comic" 1.1736 0.03651 121 101 19 1
3358 Ladies and gentlemen, we have a small number, somewhat inattentive in-person gathering this evening. 1.1736 0.04011 121 103 15 3
3359 Oh I get it. You’re ignoring me. 1.1736 0.04011 121 103 15 3
3360 I like an ending I can count on. 1.1736 0.03651 121 101 19 1
3361 Cheers to a night we never forget! 1.1733 0.03507 150 127 20 3
3362 this is why I only do one set a night 1.1732 0.03724 127 107 18 2
3363 So a husband walks into his bedroom to find his wife reading a book…have you heard this one? 1.1732 0.03552 127 106 20 1
3364 So, this is your idea or role play. 1.1732 0.03724 127 107 18 2
3365 I guess those habits are truly atomic...cause I'm bombing here. 1.1732 0.03552 127 106 20 1
3366 I need a new manager, I can't believe I got out of bed for this gig. 1.1732 0.03552 127 106 20 1
3367 Did you hear the one about the virgin in the whore house? 1.1732 0.03724 127 107 18 2
3368 I’ll be here all week so come on back! 1.1732 0.03888 127 108 16 3
3369 Thank you! Thank you very much. Hey, it's always great to be back at Caroline's! 1.1732 0.03888 127 108 16 3
3370 Four play is getting really weird. 1.1732 0.03888 127 108 16 3
3371 And now ladies and gentleman we present "the reader 1.1732 0.04197 127 110 12 5
3372 Did you turn the alarm on? 1.1731 0.04199 104 88 14 2
3373 Once upon a time… 1.1731 0.03300 156 131 23 2
3374 Time flies! You’ll be eligible for Medicare Open Enrollment before you know it. 1.1729 0.03621 133 112 19 2
3375 But seriously folks...that bedside lamp is enormous. 1.1729 0.03621 133 112 19 2
3376 Audiobooks beta test: Does he travel with me everywhere? 1.1729 0.03775 133 113 17 3
3377 Now take my wife for example she gets lost in a book… 1.1729 0.03775 133 113 17 3
3378 You got something against comedians? 1.1727 0.03621 110 91 19 0
3379 The only time he stands up in bed. 1.1727 0.03844 110 92 17 1
3380 Wow, this is a tough audience....Okay, did you hear the one about the wife who..... 1.1727 0.03671 139 118 18 3
3381 Did you hear the one about the guy whose wife pretended she was done with him? 1.1727 0.03376 139 116 22 1
3382 Honey—this doesn’t make the caption you submitted to the NewYokerCartoons sound any better. 1.1727 0.03811 139 119 16 4
3383 Honey, I saw the cognitive urologist today. I told him I have trouble starting and stopping a stream….of thought. 1.1724 0.03439 145 122 21 2
3384 Now for my rendition of "LET'S JUST FALL IN LOVE AGAIN" 1.1724 0.03729 116 97 18 1
3385 I will take a recess now, and will be back in 8 hours 1.1724 0.03148 145 120 25 0
3386 I feel somewhat ignored." 1.1724 0.03729 116 97 18 1
3387 I just think you're not ready to come on this journey with me. 1.1724 0.03522 116 96 20 0
3388 Call me Ishmael.... 1.1724 0.03575 145 123 19 3
3389 Remember, me? Joe, your husband? 1.1724 0.03925 116 98 16 2
3390 'Let me speak for myself,' reads the last page. 1.1724 0.03729 116 97 18 1
3391 I told you I could get it up in bed. 1.1721 0.03806 122 103 17 2
3392 Marla will continue tonight with the reading of Dr. Comfort's book and providing descriptions of the illustrations for the radio audience. This has been a key element in attempting to revive her marriage. Now,without further ado... 1.1721 0.03432 122 101 21 0
3393 Goodnight, croon 1.1720 0.03635 157 135 17 5
3394 A little heads up that I’ll be working blue this evening. 1.1719 0.03860 128 109 16 3
3395 Listen, did you or did you not say you were looking for a guy with a sense of humor? 1.1719 0.03527 128 107 20 1
3396 You didn't worn me you were no longer turned on by the toastmaster type. 1.1719 0.03697 128 108 18 2
3397 She Petered on my Griffin till I Lois. 1.1719 0.03860 128 109 16 3
3398 I get the feeling you are getting tired of me rehearsing my speeches on you. 1.1716 0.03270 134 111 23 0
3399 Hey, I tell you I get no respect, no respect at all. 1.1716 0.03437 134 112 21 1
3400 I'd like to propose a toast to the happy couple, but ..." 1.1716 0.03437 134 112 21 1
3401 ...and for my next number, I’m going to start screaming, fall to the floor and turn blue. 1.1716 0.03437 134 112 21 1
3402 Alright, have i told you the one about the young lady in the front row who won’t go to sleep ? 1.1716 0.03437 134 112 21 1
3403 The character in this book really got me through in my solitude. 1.1716 0.03437 134 112 21 1
3404 Always the spotlight on you. 1.1714 0.03354 140 117 22 1
3405 Pardon me lady, but could I have your attention? 1.1714 0.03503 140 118 20 2
3406 Honey, I don’t think those ‘Bedroom Performance’ pills are working. 1.1714 0.04376 105 90 12 3
3407 1950s : 2020s 1.1714 0.03647 140 119 18 3
3408 All this and you still can't drown out your inner monologue? 1.1714 0.03647 140 119 18 3
3409 Now you know that sex with a broadcaster is better than some darn old book! 1.1712 0.03128 146 121 25 0
3410 Everyone,if I could have your attention . . . 1.1712 0.04022 111 94 15 2
3411 A night in with a good book is better than a night of boozy singing with me? Really? 1.1709 0.03894 117 99 16 2
3412 Don't be mad at me, honey. I'm a stand-up comic. I have to work nights. 1.1709 0.03700 117 98 18 1
3413 Tonight, will be a night to remember. 1.1709 0.04079 117 100 14 3
3414 So glad to be here tonight! Anyone out there from Columbus? 1.1709 0.03700 117 98 18 1
3415 I don’t care how funny you think your stand up comedy routine is, I am trying to finish this romance novel. 1.1707 0.03597 123 103 19 1
3416 Yeah, I am trying me best to make it stand up. 1.1707 0.04115 123 106 13 4
3417 Who needs the bed when I can have the floor? 1.1707 0.03597 123 103 19 1
3418 I thought maybe this would get my daughter to listen to me, but I guess not. 1.1707 0.03597 123 103 19 1
3419 I’ll be here three nights. half off drinks on Tuesday. 1.1707 0.03407 123 102 21 0
3420 As a conservative,I gave up God, pro life and the ability to think for myself and I still can't get laid from my liberal wife. 1.1707 0.03950 123 105 15 3
3421 Playing New York, I got more laughs. 1.1707 0.03778 123 104 17 2
3422 I’m starting to hate your watch’s reminder to stand up. 1.1707 0.03950 123 105 15 3
3423 You always ignore me here 1.1705 0.03832 129 110 16 3
3424 I realized what a ridiculous lie my whole life ... Line! 1.1705 0.03502 129 108 20 1
3425 I realize it’s gotten a little late out there for some of you but I had a few more people to thank. 1.1705 0.03671 129 109 18 2
3426 Wow....Tough audience...Okay, have you heard the one about the wife.... 1.1705 0.03502 129 108 20 1
3427 Honey, I'm back from Karaoke. is that a new kind of phone or tablet? 1.1705 0.03502 129 108 20 1
3428 Ahem, Can you hear me? I'd like to announce that it's Kasey's birthday. Shots of Becherooooooovka (!) are being served in the kitchen! 1.1705 0.04136 129 112 12 5
3429 So, getting a gig is hard. 1.1705 0.03502 129 108 20 1
3430 It says here to stand up 1.1705 0.03832 129 110 16 3
3431 And my wife in bed? A story to behold. 1.1704 0.03572 135 114 19 2
3432 Hey Carol, remember that standup you fucked in your 20s?—how do I compare to him? 1.1704 0.03869 135 116 15 4
3433 Thank you, and that's my time. 1.1704 0.03572 135 114 19 2
3434 I thought you loved late night. 1.1702 0.03893 141 122 14 5
3435 I'd like to dedicate the next song to the girl with the round glass 1.1702 0.03623 141 120 18 3
3436 When I bought tickets to a new standup show at an intimate venue I wasn’t expecting this. 1.1702 0.03481 141 119 20 2
3437 Fine Mark, your word is “Annulment” 1.1698 0.04734 106 93 8 5
3438 Did you hear the one about the stand-up comic whose wife kept ignoring him in the bedroom? Well, the marvelous Mr. Mason is taking his erection on the road. 1.1696 0.04185 112 96 13 3
3439 Ladies and gentlemen, introducing the Reader 1.1696 0.03988 112 95 15 2
3440 What was that about selective hearing? 1.1696 0.04185 112 96 13 3
3441 If you thought I was a joke in bed, wait 'til you hear this one. 1.1695 0.03864 118 100 16 2
3442 Ladies and Gentlemen, for my next standup it's all about bedtime stories! 1.1695 0.03671 118 99 18 1
3443 This next number is for the ladies in the room. 1.1694 0.03570 124 104 19 1
3444 So a priest, a minister and a rabbi go into a bar...... 1.1694 0.03750 124 105 17 2
3445 All my dead audience jokes are plural, and dead bedroom jokes are a drag. 1.1694 0.04242 124 108 11 5
3446 C’mon hun, these dad jokes don’t come easily. A lil’ standing ovation wouldn’t hurt. 1.1694 0.03570 124 104 19 1
3447 So, after bonking my head on every bridge and having to crawl through every door it turned out we accidentally booked a trip to “Little” Italy! Anyway, ma’am, you’ve been a great audience and I’m so sorry. 1.1692 0.03805 130 111 16 3
3448 …just like you asked. Slow ‘n’ easy. Are you listening? 1.1692 0.03645 130 110 18 2
3449 Attention Please…it’s our production of foreplay 1.1692 0.03477 130 109 20 1
3450 How about a few bars of the days of Wine and Roses? 1.1692 0.03805 130 111 16 3
3451 Funny thing is, my wife says I never listen to her.... 1.1692 0.03805 130 111 16 3
3452 Airline food, am I right?! 1.1692 0.03805 130 111 16 3
3453 We could have just ordered the audiobook version instead. 1.1692 0.03477 130 109 20 1
3454 Well, there’s the light. 1.1692 0.03477 130 109 20 1
3455 But seriously folks, this is a tough room! 1.1691 0.03548 136 115 19 2
3456 I left you a bit of pizza in the frig. 1.1690 0.03458 142 120 20 2
3457 So my wife does this thing where she ignores me by reading in bed…”. 1.1690 0.03156 142 118 24 0
3458 This is pretty standard anytime I’m ‘performing’ in the bedroom. 1.1690 0.03458 142 120 20 2
3459 Cindy didn’t mind she was the only person who read books with an outer monologue. She just wished he wouldn’t constantly improvise… 1.1690 0.03156 142 118 24 0
3460 Iron deficiency just isn’t very funny.” 1.1690 0.03458 142 120 20 2
3461 So,as I was saying… 1.1689 0.03508 148 126 19 3
3462 And my wife. She's no bargain either. She'd rather read books than engage in the old frisky frolic. Must be the footnotes. 1.1682 0.03633 107 89 18 0
3463 We're banking on the Hawthorne Effect 1.1682 0.04692 107 94 8 5
3464 The safe word is, "I need a date, a place, and an occupation." 1.1682 0.03633 107 89 18 0
3465 Time to wrap up another exciting evening of live events, so drink your warm milk, shut your book, and go "shut-eye." 1.1681 0.03956 113 96 15 2
3466 Is this one of those darn audio books again?" 1.1681 0.04151 113 97 13 3
3467 wanna get freaky in bed?" "Thats not what i meant fred 1.1681 0.03956 113 96 15 2
3468 And lastly, I’d like to toast my beautiful new bride, for loving me despite my tendency to drone on… 1.1681 0.04015 119 102 14 3
3469 Good to be back playing this room again, though by the look of this crowd, the result is not gonna be the same. 1.1681 0.04015 119 102 14 3
3470 So you don't like Sinatra night any better than Stand Up night. 1.1681 0.03442 119 99 20 0
3471 You said tough ten? Alrighty get in here fellas! 1.1681 0.03834 119 101 16 2
3472 David Sedaris is getting much more up close and personal with his latest book. 1.1681 0.03834 119 101 16 2
3473 I can see that I have a live audience so I'll start now! 1.1680 0.03891 125 107 15 3
3474 And lastly, HONEY - LISTEN UP, I’m eternally grateful to my wife who has inspired me and stood by my side every step of the way. 1.1680 0.03891 125 107 15 3
3475 Darling, is this what you meant by bring your A game? 1.1680 0.03722 125 106 17 2
3476 Foreplay 1.1680 0.03544 125 105 19 1
3477 My fellow Americans, kindly read me the first paragraph of what you're reading out loud 1.1679 0.03619 131 111 18 2
3478 I know its a New York Times best seller, but more to the point, can you pause so we can enjoy the evening? Bill Hill Sherman Oaks, CA 1.1679 0.03453 131 110 20 1
3479 This wasn't the booking I was expecting. 1.1679 0.03619 131 111 18 2
3480 These new Twitter offices really allow for intimate engagements, huh? 1.1679 0.03453 131 110 20 1
3481 See me, hear me, heckle me.... 1.1679 0.03930 131 113 14 4
3482 So this doesn't interest you much either? 1.1679 0.03453 131 110 20 1
3483 Honey, Just give me five minutes of your attention. I took out the joke about your majorette boots, and I added the one about me using a chain saw. 1.1679 0.03619 131 111 18 2
3484 A funny thing happened to me on the way to the office. 1.1679 0.03368 137 115 21 1
3485 My wife doesn't know that I'm here. 1.1678 0.03289 143 120 22 1
3486 Tonight was not my best ‘stand-up’ performance, and I apologize for that Susan. 1.1678 0.03842 143 124 14 5
3487 Thanks for the open door policy, but I need the spotlight for my open mic. 1.1678 0.03136 143 119 24 0
3488 Sweet dreams are made of this”… 1.1667 0.03924 114 97 15 2
3489 She used to laugh at me. 1.1667 0.03924 114 97 15 2
3490 Casual wear has no business in the bedrooms of the nation" 1.1667 0.03346 138 116 21 1
3491 Well, Midge ... er, Mrs. Maisel ... what should my next joke be? 1.1667 0.03751 132 113 16 3
3492 How are ya doing folks. I'm here making my comedy debut. And let's just say "I ain't killing." 1.1667 0.04117 114 98 13 3
3493 working from home has been tough on me 1.1667 0.03333 126 105 21 0
3494 so I says to him, I says “Bernie … I seen my share of tough audiences before but …” and he says, “Marty … you gotta read the room” and I say, “Bern … 1.1667 0.03429 132 111 20 1
3495 So this guy walks up … 1.1667 0.03791 138 119 15 4
3496 As a stand up comic, taking one to the mattress is not all it’s banged up to be. 1.1667 0.03924 114 97 15 2
3497 so, uh, how about the fellas? any of you fellas in here feel like you can't really talk to your wife about how much you love getting pegged? [throws voice] whooooo fuck yeah 1.1667 0.03835 108 91 16 1
3498 Is this mic on? I see you brought your own entertainment. Have you heard the one about the husband who comes home late, feels bad about it and his wife forgives him? Hooo, tough crowd! 1.1667 0.03616 120 101 18 1
3499 Stand up comedian versus fallen asleep reader. 1.1667 0.03501 138 117 19 2
3500 I'm a darn cowboy, right?,.. hic. 1.1667 0.03346 138 116 21 1
3501 I may be tone-deaf, but at least I'm giving it my all! 1.1667 0.03835 108 91 16 1
3502 I really appreciate you being here tonight especially given the steep cover charge. 1.1667 0.03695 126 107 17 2
3503 yep, a little practice in front of the right crowd and no prob 1.1667 0.03695 126 107 17 2
3504 That book would be so much better as an audiobook 1.1667 0.03804 120 102 16 2
3505 „A candy-colored clown they call the sandman …“ 1.1667 0.03465 150 128 19 3
3506 It’s been a hard day’s night, and I’ve been working like a dog. 1.1667 0.03506 114 95 19 0
3507 I’m imagining my audience naked, Mary” Mary: *sighs, turns page 1.1667 0.03924 114 97 15 2
3508 Honey how about we try lay-down comedy instead 1.1667 0.03465 150 128 19 3
3509 Are those your notes or mine? 1.1667 0.03616 120 101 18 1
3510 Hey, everyone get a look at this broad! Acting like she likes to read. 1.1667 0.03519 126 106 19 1
3511 And THAT was my day! Hello? This thing on?” 1.1655 0.03624 139 119 17 3
3512 I thought you liked dating standup comedians! 1.1655 0.03477 139 118 19 2
3513 This is not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to plan a "Special Night". 1.1654 0.03569 133 113 18 2
3514 Note to self: no more goblin mode gigs. 1.1654 0.03406 133 112 20 1
3515 Here’s a mean one. She crossed out Dummies and put Dummies’ Wives. 1.1654 0.03569 133 113 18 2
3516 Whoa. This post coital schtick usually kills. 1.1654 0.03875 133 115 14 4
3517 Ok folks, did you hear about the tired salesman that just can't get it up and down anymore? 1.1654 0.03569 133 113 18 2
3518 Let’s start at the beginning. Call me Ishmael. Some years ago… 1.1654 0.03875 133 115 14 4
3519 Can you practice your stand up saomewhere else? 1.1654 0.03569 133 113 18 2
3520 Um, actually— 1.1654 0.03569 133 113 18 2
3521 Up next, please give a warm round of applause for our headliner and another performer who ‘obviously’ needs the work! 1.1654 0.03234 133 111 22 0
3522 And I said, 'that's not a camel, that's my wife!' 1.1654 0.03668 127 108 17 2
3523 It is time for your bedtime song. 1.1654 0.03994 127 110 13 4
3524 I'm Shecky Glomm and THIS is my life... 1.1654 0.03834 127 109 15 3
3525 You promised me a duet" "That's not what I meant. 1.1654 0.03668 127 108 17 2
3526 People always fall asleep while I'm talking. 1.1654 0.03493 127 107 19 1
3527 Go ahead, bury your nose in a book while I practice my latest knock-knock jokes. 1.1654 0.03310 127 106 21 0
3528 This is fine, but I prefer having a great nightlight. 1.1654 0.03834 127 109 15 3
3529 This is the part of my act where you slap me across the face. 1.1653 0.03953 121 104 14 3
3530 A funny thing happened to me on my way to the office today... 1.1653 0.03588 121 102 18 1
3531 Hey, sweetheart, if I wanted to be ignored I would have gone to the comedy club with strangers. 1.1653 0.03775 121 103 16 2
3532 Comedy is dying and its your fault! Stop trying to silence me! 1.1653 0.03953 121 104 14 3
3533 When I said no phones during my routine, I thought everyone would assume that meant no books too! 1.1653 0.03775 121 103 16 2
3534 1,2,3 1,2,3 starting my 6 hour snoring session. 1.1653 0.03775 121 103 16 2
3535 My lie is an open book you finished years ago, isn't it? 1.1652 0.04083 115 99 13 3
3536 Let us pause to remember the man, not the shadow of a man. 1.1652 0.03892 115 98 15 2
3537 Who let him out of the office? 1.1652 0.03892 115 98 15 2
3538 What you readin’…books? 1.1652 0.03691 115 97 17 1
3539 According to this, now you drop the mic 1.1652 0.03691 115 97 17 1
3540 Now you can actually put a face to a name when it comes to your intrusive thoughts. 1.1652 0.03892 115 98 15 2
3541 So anyway, what was it you asked? 1.1651 0.03803 109 92 16 1
3542 I don't think I like your version of roleplay 1.1651 0.04020 109 93 14 2
3543 I’m glad you wanted to experiment more in bed because I’ve got new material!” 1.1650 0.03926 103 87 15 1
3544 She imagined what life would've been like if her father had been a standup comedian. 1.1645 0.03293 152 129 21 2
3545 Jeez lady! I'm trying to haunt! 1.1643 0.03302 140 118 21 1
3546 I'm a doctor trying to improve my bedside manner. How am I doing? 1.1643 0.03302 140 118 21 1
3547 Yes, this is my ragged cloak that I spotted you' putting in the closet. 1.1643 0.03454 140 119 19 2
3548 Excuse me. Can I have your attention? 1.1643 0.03302 140 118 21 1
3549 The Pete Davidson Effect surprisingly had no affect. #stillamystery 1.1643 0.03454 140 119 19 2
3550 So my girlfriend don´t want to sleep with me. What´s up with that? 1.1642 0.03544 134 114 18 2
3551 So, anyone out there on the dating apps? Tinder? Hinge? What's that other one — Bumble? Anyone out there got a Bumble profile? Maybe one they didn't know was connected to the kid's iPad through iCloud, which I discovered while watching Bluey? Anyone? 1.1642 0.03544 134 114 18 2
3552 I'm making it loud and clear that I'm sorry I forgot our anniversary. Hope this gift makes up for it my dear. 1.1642 0.03848 134 116 14 4
3553 Let’s bring the room down a touch 1.1642 0.03382 134 113 20 1
3554 It's really sad, my jokes are often slept on. The moment my shows are done, they just book it. 1.1642 0.03699 134 115 16 3
3555 So this priest goes into a bar.......are you listening? 1.1642 0.03212 134 112 22 0
3556 I know I’m on shaky ground, but could you just sleep on it? 1.1642 0.03212 134 112 22 0
3557 I said, I said...uh...boy,...are my arms tired. 'Cause...uh...ya know, uh, I just,...I just...flew...in. 1.1642 0.03699 134 115 16 3
3558 Is it such a bad thing to be an over performer in the bedroom? 1.1642 0.03544 134 114 18 2
3559 Lady in bed, is reading with me 1.1642 0.03544 134 114 18 2
3560 I lost my set at Carolines, after 40 years this is my act now. 1.1641 0.03468 128 108 19 1
3561 Now hear this. Breaking news from our nation’s capital: Reading in bed has been found to have a deleterious impact on vision acuity. 1.1641 0.03807 128 110 15 3
3562 I am at the office. 1.1641 0.03641 128 109 17 2
3563 Lee Child, finally some action in the bedroom. What areat audience.. 1.1641 0.03641 128 109 17 2
3564 Now accepting requests. . . 1.1639 0.03747 122 104 16 2
3565 This isn't what I meant when I said I wanted you to perform better in bed 1.1639 0.04092 122 106 12 4
3566 I’ve heard of disappointing women in the bedroom- but this is ridiculous! 1.1639 0.03561 122 103 18 1
3567 Some people just know how to have a good time. 1.1639 0.03561 122 103 18 1
3568 Show of hands. How many of you think this toilet seat thing is getting out of control? Anyone?..Anyone? Well, that's my time. You've been terrific! I'll be here all night. On the couch. 1.1639 0.03923 122 105 14 3
3569 May we have your attention, please? We have an important announcement to make. 1.1639 0.03747 122 104 16 2
3570 Talk about jumping off the page . . . 1.1638 0.04051 116 100 13 3
3571 Two giraffes walk into a bar... 1.1638 0.03662 116 98 17 1
3572 You always complain that you miss being entertained. Then you slink up the stairs and read and ignore me. I'm just doing what you wanted, babe! 1.1638 0.03861 116 99 15 2
3573 They lived happily ever after — not. 1.1638 0.03662 116 98 17 1
3574 That’s my time. I’ll be here all week. 1.1636 0.04190 110 95 12 3
3575 Now playing: private mansplaining 1.1635 0.04124 104 89 13 2
3576 Helllooo is this thing even on? Tough bedroom Tough bedroom... 1.1633 0.03866 147 129 12 6
3577 You heard the one about the comedian who got cancelled? You have?…Well thanks Hun, you’ve been a great crowd. I’m here all year… try the chicken! 1.1631 0.03281 141 119 21 1
3578 HELLOOO SUZieee! Hmmm, tough crowd in here tonight! 1.1631 0.03432 141 120 19 2
3579 Did you see this? A comedian tried to woo his wife with new material. She threw the book at him. 1.1630 0.03359 135 114 20 1
3580 Welcome to the nighttime show 1.1630 0.03520 135 115 18 2
3581 You’ve been a great audience—now let’s give it up for Joey! 1.1628 0.03615 129 110 17 2
3582 I just flew in…boy are my arms tired…is this thing on? 1.1628 0.03444 129 109 19 1
3583 Dinner is served! 1.1628 0.03779 129 111 15 3
3584 and if you die before you wake will you hear the pleas that I will make? 1.1628 0.03444 129 109 19 1
3585 Honey, you really do have to get out more. 1.1628 0.03615 129 110 17 2
3586 The power of Dean Martin compels you. 1.1628 0.03444 129 109 19 1
3587 If you could just shine a little light on me. 1.1628 0.03615 129 110 17 2
3588 Audio books of the future. 1.1626 0.03535 123 104 18 1
3589 I would now like to give you the Tyson Foods' 3rd quarter results.. 1.1626 0.03718 123 105 16 2
3590 Mike's audition for comic club isn't going well. 1.1626 0.03718 123 105 16 2
3591 I have my bedtime ritual, and you have yours. 1.1626 0.03718 123 105 16 2
3592 Thank you, thank you. I'll be here all night folks! 1.1626 0.04061 123 107 12 4
3593 I know your out there. I hear your breathing. 1.1626 0.03718 123 105 16 2
3594 I'll start counting when the sheep arrive. 1.1626 0.03718 123 105 16 2
3595 When your lonely heart has learned its lesson You'd be hers if only she would call In the wee small hours of the morning That's the time you miss her most of all… 1.1626 0.03535 123 104 18 1
3596 All right, then...I'll be here all week. Remember to tip your waitress. 1.1626 0.03718 123 105 16 2
3597 Foreplay? More like bore play! 1.1624 0.04018 117 101 13 3
3598 C'mon, honey, there's no way that mystery book kills harder than me. 1.1624 0.03831 117 100 15 2
3599 Toward the bottom. Third paragraph. 1.1624 0.03633 117 99 17 1
3600 You have replaced your family with reading, or so you think. 1.1624 0.03633 117 99 17 1
3601 First up~ here is your spirit of the Christmas past… 1.1624 0.03633 117 99 17 1
3602 And now let the countdown begin until Susan is in dreamland! 5, 4, 3… 1.1624 0.03633 117 99 17 1
3603 Just as soon as it had started, my standup career ended when my wife said she'd rather read than listen to my despicable quips! 1.1622 0.03188 148 125 22 1
3604 That's it! Turn the page, read down, left to right. 1.1622 0.04155 111 96 12 3
3605 I’m sorry, but that request isn’t in my song book. 1.1622 0.03040 148 124 24 0
3606 Now take my wife,please! My wife ..you won't believe it Let me tell you some stories. 1.1622 0.03740 111 94 16 1
3607 Wow !!tonight we have a cult audience 1.1622 0.03953 111 95 14 2
3608 January 6th was more of a threat to our democracy than Russian disinformation. Three cheers for the Ukraine 1.1622 0.03464 148 127 18 3
3609 I’m rehearsing my audition for Oscar emcee, any interest? 1.1620 0.03103 142 119 23 0
3610 Eric, I said stand up straight, not stand up late 1.1620 0.03103 142 119 23 0
3611 AA CHRISTMAS CAROL Hey! Happy to be back here in your bed! Actually, happy to be in anyone’s bed! Actually, this is more action than I get in my bed WHOA! Tough crowd! Actually, not a crowd … Also, like my bed … Hey: lady in the first row … 1.1620 0.03952 142 125 11 6
3612 Didja hear, the election’s finally over? 1.1619 0.04088 105 90 13 2
3613 So, who've we got in the house tonight? Trenton? NO? Fort Dix? 1.1618 0.03337 136 115 20 1
3614 Take my wife — she just won't go to nightclubs. 1.1618 0.03496 136 116 18 2
3615 I am sorry I am so late. I have not had anything to drink. 1.1618 0.03649 136 117 16 3
3616 Is this what you meant when you said I needed to work on my tight 10? 1.1618 0.03337 136 115 20 1
3617 « Even there i have no attention » 1.1618 0.03337 136 115 20 1
3618 It's not easy being a man of no importance! 1.1615 0.03908 130 113 13 4
3619 It’s been a tough getting your undivided … 1.1615 0.03419 130 110 19 1
3620 Everything you read you see and you hear I will tell you what to think and how to feel. Don't attempt to think for yourself 1.1615 0.03419 130 110 19 1
3621 If those books could pay the mortgage, I’d be a single man… honey… honey… did you hear my joke?” “That’s nice, dear. 1.1615 0.03590 130 111 17 2
3622 Now let’s give it up for tonight’s headliner, your husband! 1.1615 0.03752 130 112 15 3
3623 I know it’s cool to like the feel of a ‘real’ book, but it’s time to admit you’re just listening to the audiobook. 1.1615 0.03419 130 110 19 1
3624 So for the 24,000 of you here in the stadium, Taylor Swift is continuing to read her book. 1.1613 0.03864 124 107 14 3
3625 This audio book idea is going too far. 1.1613 0.03508 124 105 18 1
3626 Now this famous author will say a few words. 1.1613 0.03691 124 106 16 2
3627 That’s not what I meant when I asked why you can’t be a stand up guy. 1.1613 0.04030 124 108 12 4
3628 HONEY..... How am I doing so far... 1.1613 0.03508 124 105 18 1
3629 You wanted an audiobook? Well, here’s a live recording instead, honey. 1.1613 0.03508 124 105 18 1
3630 This is a story about the little train that says " I think I can , I think I can " 1.1610 0.03398 118 99 19 0
3631 And now Amy will read her poem, "Ode to a Disrobed Husband". 1.1610 0.03398 118 99 19 0
3632 A funny thing happened on my way here tonight, I bumped into your mother, and she said the butler did I it. 1.1610 0.03605 118 100 17 1
3633 My wife says she' will burn the next bad gift I get her. So I'm gonna get her a candle 1.1610 0.03605 118 100 17 1
3634 That’s not what I meant when I asked you to be a stand up guy! 1.1610 0.03605 118 100 17 1
3635 And now, can I have your attention? 1.1608 0.03530 143 123 17 3
3636 So make it one for my baby and one more for her book. 1.1607 0.04120 112 97 12 3
3637 This is what you get for going to a bachelorette party at a comedy club. 1.1607 0.03710 112 95 16 1
3638 Hey, you thought it was funny at the first show. 1.1604 0.04052 106 91 13 2
3639 Look up here for happy ending. 1.1604 0.03581 106 89 17 0
3640 And finally Linda, I want to thank you immensely for enrolling me in the public speaking course without which I wouldn’t be here speaking to you tonight. 1.1603 0.03395 131 111 19 1
3641 Is this what you meant by an audio book? 1.1603 0.03725 131 113 15 3
3642 $60,000! going once, going twice, SOLD for the last person on earth who reads a real book! 1.1603 0.03564 131 112 17 2
3643 In your dreams dear! I can't move one forward. 1.1603 0.03395 131 111 19 1
3644 Now hear this. Now hear this. I will be the model of the ineffectual parent you will immortalize in your future literary career. 1.1600 0.03483 125 106 18 1
3645 A penguin, a banker, and a shower rod salesman walk into a bar….. Still missing the mark, eh? 1.1600 0.03663 125 107 16 2
3646 Two guys walk into a book... 1.1600 0.03288 150 128 20 2
3647 Did you hear the one about the secret of a happy marriage? 1.1600 0.03835 125 108 14 3
3648 I hope I can put you to sleep before your book does. 1.1600 0.03685 100 84 16 0
3649 You're not helping me to read the room. 1.1600 0.03288 150 128 20 2
3650 Thank you all for coming to my first Netflix special. 1.1600 0.03292 125 105 20 0
3651 Woman continuously avoids eye contact with mansplainers throughout her day. 1.1597 0.03218 144 122 21 1
3652 Check your batteries? 1.1597 0.03955 119 103 13 3
3653 The 24 Hour News Cycle 1.1597 0.03771 119 102 15 2
3654 Don't forget to tip your writer." 1.1597 0.03372 119 100 19 0
3655 I promise not punch down when I'm on top. 1.1594 0.03292 138 117 20 1
3656 What do Ihave to do to get you to listen? 1.1594 0.03449 138 118 18 2
3657 Through the long and sleepless night 1.1594 0.03292 138 117 20 1
3658 When your profile said you were a stand up guy in the bedroom, this is not what I thought you meant. 1.1594 0.03128 138 116 22 0
3659 'My jokes will make you fall asleep faster than that book, love' 1.1594 0.03292 138 117 20 1
3660 Attention!! This is your husband speaking…I’m coming to bed now 1.1593 0.03679 113 96 16 1
3661 can you believe that nobody laugh in the office 1.1593 0.03679 113 96 16 1
3662 And now…a run through of every slightly embarrassing thing you’ve ever done as a night cap 1.1589 0.03551 107 90 17 0
3663 All I wanted was some toast with my coffee … 1.1589 0.03791 107 91 15 1
3664 Well, if you really want to do this: "Call me Ishmael. Some years ago...." 1.1587 0.03457 126 107 18 1
3665 Sometimes, you cannot tell a book by it’s cover.” “ Take my wife, please. 1.1587 0.03807 126 109 14 3
3666 Are you ignoring me? I've been practicing this spiel all day. 1.1587 0.03268 126 106 20 0
3667 Is that Jia Tolentino's 'Trick Mirror: Reflections on Self-Delusion?' 1.1587 0.03457 126 107 18 1
3668 Thank you, thank you very much. My name is Mike, and I'll be here for eternity. 1.1587 0.03636 126 108 16 2
3669 My monologue is not funny enough for you!!!" 1.1587 0.03457 126 107 18 1
3670 Ummmmm....so?! Come here often.....? 1.1587 0.03636 126 108 16 2
3671 And if you have just a minute, let me tell you about the times YOU were snoring 1.1587 0.03457 126 107 18 1
3672 No, honey, the refrigerator stopped running. 1.1583 0.03550 120 102 17 1
3673 A funny thing happened on the way to repair the television. 1.1583 0.03346 120 101 19 0
3674 Honey, let me finish this one last chapter. Then I promise you’ll get my undivided attention. 1.1583 0.04099 120 105 11 4
3675 Come on. You used to always help me prepare for my old job. 1.1583 0.03924 120 104 13 3
3676 Is this thing on?” “After 20 years of marriage, Jim, I’m not a thing. 1.1583 0.03550 120 102 17 1
3677 are you sure your boyfriend is doing number one? it's taking ages. 1.1583 0.03550 120 102 17 1
3678 These pages really come to life…It’s almost as if the main character is talking to me personally in my room! 1.1583 0.03742 120 103 15 2
3679 This is not what I meant by foreplay, he’s such an a$$ 1.1583 0.03550 120 102 17 1
3680 So role playing like I’m a guy with my own Netflix special isn’t doing it for you? 1.1583 0.03718 139 121 14 4
3681 Blah, blah,blah! 1.1579 0.03856 114 98 14 2
3682 So with the ‘cancel culture’ out there I’ve been having a harder time finding an audience…so…what do you do for a living ma’am? 1.1579 0.03856 114 98 14 2
3683 So, I'm guessing based on your lack of enthusiasm that I need to come up with some better material. 1.1579 0.03430 114 96 18 0
3684 Okay, we agreed we would share our out-of-home experiences after work. But, who knew you’d update check-out cards in books from your library? 1.1579 0.03650 114 97 16 1
3685 ... I get no respect, no respect at all..." #rodneydangerfiel 1.1579 0.03430 114 96 18 0
3686 But you said the standards put you in the mood... 1.1575 0.03462 146 126 17 3
3687 It was open mike-night at home. 1.1575 0.03323 146 125 19 2
3688 Yeah . . . I used to be married . . . 1.1575 0.03432 127 108 18 1
3689 So this woman walks into a bar while reading a book. 1.1575 0.03432 127 108 18 1
3690 tonight we're going to have a really great shew 1.1575 0.03610 127 109 16 2
3691 Can we go back to falling asleep watching stand-up comedians on YouTube? 1.1575 0.03610 127 109 16 2
3692 We did everything by the book, namely... 1.1575 0.03432 127 108 18 1
3693 Before I begin, I'd like to remind audience members to close or silence any devices. 1.1571 0.03404 140 120 18 2
3694 The toast to the bride went longer than expected 1.1570 0.03523 121 103 17 1
3695 …and here’s to the bride and her undying focus on the things that really matter…to her. 1.1570 0.03713 121 104 15 2
3696 Hey there, stop being that focused 1.1570 0.03894 121 105 13 3
3697 I'm not the only one who doesn't listen. But in case I'm wrong, it's the coffee talking 1.1570 0.03713 121 104 15 2
3698 Keep talking, you are doing fine 1.1569 0.03359 153 132 18 3
3699 Thanks for coming. You were a great audience ! 1.1567 0.03798 134 117 13 4
3700 So there's this snake and he's like 'I think it would be cool if Elon Musk died in a housefire' and then this soccer player, maybe he's a goalie, tells his shrink... wait, did I mention he was on the field at the time? Anyway, he's rock hard... 1.1565 0.04020 115 100 12 3
3701 All I hear is crickets. And pages turning. 1.1565 0.03620 115 98 16 1
3702 So, where am I from? 1.1562 0.03408 128 109 18 1
3703 I’ll be here all week. Try the veal. 1.1562 0.03222 128 108 20 0
3704 Sure I like books...I just wonder, you know, couldn't you have said the same thing using less words? Who has the time! 1.1562 0.03751 128 111 14 3
3705 Here's a fun fact: "Spoiler alert" in French is "alerte spoil." 1.1562 0.03222 128 108 20 0
3706 Why show up Missy if you’re not a fan of stand-up? 1.1560 0.03228 141 120 20 1
3707 And yes I' m stuck on My Molasses . .On a girl who wears glasses . . .crooning and mooning in vain 1.1560 0.03948 109 94 13 2
3708 TAP...TAP...is this thing on? 1.1560 0.03727 109 93 15 1
3709 Honey, any feedback on my bedside manner? 1.1560 0.03727 109 93 15 1
3710 You seem to be ignoring me. 1.1560 0.03491 109 92 17 0
3711 Stay awake, Ladies and Gentlemen. My wife is about to read Homer's ODYSSEY." myoken@umassd.ed 1.1558 0.03074 154 131 22 1
3712 What gives with the silent treatment? You laughed at the stand-up guy at the club. 1.1557 0.03496 122 104 17 1
3713 Past midnight, ladies and gentlemen, and my wife still won't put that damn book away. 1.1557 0.04036 122 107 11 4
3714 Honey, can't you wait until the end of my routine? 1.1557 0.03296 122 103 19 0
3715 The audio version is less engrossing 1.1557 0.03496 122 104 17 1
3716 I will never let us become like our parents. 1.1557 0.03496 122 104 17 1
3717 And so the reality of a tripledemic hits as we turn the page on 2022. 1.1556 0.03303 135 115 19 1
3718 My new warmup act isn’t really doing much for you, is it 1.1556 0.03622 135 117 15 3
3719 Love me tender,Love me true . . . You asleep? 1.1554 0.03419 148 128 17 3
3720 You really think you can compete with Audio Books? 1.1554 0.02988 148 125 23 0
3721 This announcement is to advise you that I will also be preparing for bed” Jeff Manly Toronto, Ont 1.1554 0.03419 148 128 17 3
3722 Would it be more interesting if I had a podium? 1.1552 0.03794 116 100 14 2
3723 I've learned that every audience is different. Sometimes my jokes just kill. Other times people fall asleep. I promise my next joke is going to turn tonight around. 1.1552 0.03591 116 99 16 1
3724 And then I wrote this little number for nthe woman in my life. 1.1550 0.03724 129 112 14 3
3725 A funny thing happened on my way here tonight... 1.1550 0.03558 129 111 16 2
3726 I can’t tell you how much I’ve enjoyed these last few minutes (padumbum) But seriously, I’m here all week. 1.1549 0.03359 142 122 18 2
3727 Is my microphone working? 1.1545 0.03915 110 95 13 2
3728 Are you still mad about my bathroom humor phase? 1.1545 0.03657 123 106 15 2
3729 So what could go wrong . . . we need new furnishings, so I order a queen bed. 1.1545 0.03470 123 105 17 1
3730 I think I left the stove on. 1.1545 0.03470 123 105 17 1
3731 And the key to our successful marriage is being totally dismissive of each other's existence . Kind of worked both ways.. 1.1545 0.03835 123 107 13 3
3732 After our trying out several different positions in bed, dear, I sense that this particular one is not at all enjoyable to you. 1.1544 0.03110 136 115 21 0
3733 I thought she said more foreplay — not foreword. 1.1544 0.03280 136 116 19 1
3734 The promoter did say that the crowd could fall asleep 1.1544 0.03442 136 117 17 2
3735 So, is the anybody here from Wonderland tonight? 1.1538 0.03186 143 122 20 1
3736 So, I'm not funny huh? Listen to this: Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton, and a New Yorker cartoonist named Walsh walk into a bar ... 1.1538 0.03532 130 112 16 2
3737 Thank you,I'm here, today, to talk to you about the importance of personal relationships... 1.1538 0.03563 117 100 16 1
3738 Well, you've been a great audience. I'll be here all week. ... I mean, I guess. 1.1538 0.03359 130 111 18 1
3739 Is there anybody out there? I can hear you breathing. 1.1538 0.03620 143 125 14 4
3740 So this isn't what you meant by 'stand up'? 1.1538 0.03350 117 99 18 0
3741 In the future, please don't talk to me during our lovemaking, I'm trying to listen to the news. 1.1538 0.03177 130 110 20 0
3742 Let me tell you about my late wife and her constant reading and her plants and her bright lights… 1.1538 0.03350 117 99 18 0
3743 When I perform and you read a book it's Quitsville, Baby! 1.1538 0.03809 104 89 14 1
3744 Once in Royal David City…🎶 1.1538 0.03563 117 100 16 1
3745 Just trying to get better at this crowd reading thing. 1.1538 0.03764 117 101 14 2
3746 !Tonight… Special Guest, For One Night Only! 1.1538 0.03359 130 111 18 1
3747 Listen big, undercover angel: Book smarts just ain't gonna cut it in my world. 1.1533 0.03258 137 117 19 1
3748 She's just about to find out that Rochester has a wife locked up in the attic. 1.1533 0.03573 137 119 15 3
3749 I guess this is what I get for booking the hotel room where Bob Saget passed… t 1.1533 0.03258 137 117 19 1
3750 Can you put down Fahrenheit 451 while I practice my speech? 1.1532 0.03629 124 107 15 2
3751 Allow me to illuminate 1.1532 0.03248 124 105 19 0
3752 NOW I don’t hear any complaints about stage fright. 1.1532 0.03444 124 106 17 1
3753 You'll do anything not to make the bed. 1.1528 0.03459 144 125 16 3
3754 Put down that book and let me sing you to sleep. 1.1527 0.03335 131 112 18 1
3755 WELCOME to OBLIVIOUS ANONYMOUS . . . ANYONE, ANYONE? 1.1527 0.03507 131 113 16 2
3756 Sweetheart, trust me...I know how this works___ 1.1527 0.03335 131 112 18 1
3757 So...whaddaya think of my new act? 1.1525 0.03535 118 101 16 1
3758 Ok Ted, that’s enough! 1.1524 0.04010 105 91 12 2
3759 and the suave gentleman finally realized he was no match for the beautiful Beatriz. 1.1523 0.03221 151 130 19 2
3760 you know it’s not easy to do stand up comedy before an inattentive audience! 1.1520 0.03224 125 106 19 0
3761 Our communication is a monologue. 1.1520 0.03418 125 107 17 1
3762 Don't mind me. Yun Jia, Cumming, Ga. 1.1520 0.03602 125 108 15 2
3763 im working nights now... 1.1520 0.03602 125 108 15 2
3764 Ladies and gentleman, it seems that our subject has turned another page. At this level of investment, sleep will not commence until at least 12:15AM, thank you. 1.1520 0.03418 125 107 17 1
3765 I want a divorce. 1.1518 0.03849 112 97 13 2
3766 Let us raise our glasses to the happy couple" 1.1515 0.03896 99 85 13 1
3767 Live from Debuke Iowa….The Great American Reading Show 1.1515 0.03312 132 113 18 1
3768 Sweetie, I am not sure it was such a good idea to use your grandma's 1970s hearing aid system 1.1515 0.03800 132 116 12 4
3769 Testing, testing,… look at your phone, look at your phone now, look look, testing testing … 1.1515 0.03312 132 113 18 1
3770 Dear, it’s called “observational comedy” 1.1515 0.03482 132 114 16 2
3771 Good evening ladybugs and germs 1.1513 0.03463 152 133 15 4
3772 A little bit softer now. 1.1513 0.03508 119 102 16 1
3773 All these years and it still feels like I’’m singing to the only girl in the room, how was it for you? 1.1513 0.03705 119 103 14 2
3774 Dear Melissa, I am your fantasy Daddy ready to read you your Sleepy-time bedtime book" 1.1508 0.03393 126 108 17 1
3775 A Priest, a Rabbi, and a doctor go into a bar. 1.1508 0.03201 126 107 19 0
3776 'So, just to clear Jennifer, it's $40.00 an hour.' 1.1508 0.03393 126 108 17 1
3777 Talk about a tough crowd, there was one night... 1.1508 0.03393 126 108 17 1
3778 Media mis-match: Hard to Reach Reader Voter. 1.1508 0.03393 126 108 17 1
3779 are my jokes funnier when I interrupt your “me time”? 1.1508 0.03749 126 110 13 3
3780 See what it says under “Performance Anxiety.” 1.1508 0.03575 126 109 15 2
3781 My devoted frugal wife always buys the cheapest dog food. I assume she expects we'll get a dog someday. 1.1507 0.03273 146 126 18 2
3782 You may be an undercover novelist, but the spotlight is on you. 1.1504 0.03604 113 97 15 1
3783 Hi, my name is Steve, and I tend to overthink before bedtime. My therapist told me that to overcome this bedtime issue, I'll need a wind-down routine and to talk about my feelings. So, thank you for being here, and I'll be here all night 1.1504 0.03604 113 97 15 1
3784 See you're trying to unwind there, so this next bit is something I like to call 'that embarrassing thing you said in 9th grade. . .' 1.1504 0.03817 113 98 13 2
3785 Honey, you know, when you practice your standup you don’t always have to actually stand up… 1.1504 0.03817 113 98 13 2
3786 If the book isn't helping much, would it help if I sang "New York, New York," Sinatra-style? 1.1504 0.03604 113 97 15 1
3787 The tall handsome man with the drink in his hand smiled as I approached… 1.1504 0.03817 113 98 13 2
3788 This microphone cord doesn’t go anywhere, how is it working? 1.1504 0.03604 113 97 15 1
3789 ...and they're on track to make the playoffs as long as they avoid major injuries, but Philly is lurking out there and I don't like the looks of them, so who knows how deep they'll get, and it would be a shame to waste such a great season... 1.1503 0.03314 153 133 17 3
3790 My rat pack membership expired. Can I please come back home honey? 1.1500 0.03194 140 120 19 1
3791 Earth to Plnet Edna. Would you like a coffee? 1.1500 0.03645 140 123 13 4
3792 OK, that's my time. Be careful DRIVING HOME. 1.1500 0.03676 120 104 14 2
3793 "What did you expect with that night light?" Tracy Brown San Rafael, CA 1.1500 0.03862 120 105 12 3
3794 Let me start off by introducing myself, on your bed” 1.1500 0.03273 120 102 18 0
3795 Here's one for my baby, and one more for the road. 1.1496 0.03549 127 110 15 2
3796 So a hooker, an exotic dancer, and a nun walk into a bar and I say to them… 1.1496 0.03549 127 110 15 2
3797 Tonight's episode of 'Stranger Than Fiction' features our real-time interview with a young girl named Alice, just home from Wonderland. 1.1496 0.03369 127 109 17 1
3798 Ba ba ba boom 1.1496 0.03369 127 109 17 1
3799 Yet, I wouldn’t call it my ‘dream’ tour… 1.1496 0.03369 127 109 17 1
3800 I thought I’d turned the “audio” option off. 1.1496 0.03369 127 109 17 1
3801 you said you were looking for a ‘stand up guy’ 1.1496 0.03549 127 110 15 2
3802 I see you already bought my book of poetry. I'll begin my reading on page three. 1.1495 0.03710 107 92 14 1
3803 I guess we have different ideas about booking a gig. 1.1493 0.03266 134 115 18 1
3804 I'd like to try working remotely in our relationship...did you hear me? 1.1493 0.03434 134 116 16 2
3805 You can’t find a single joke in the Congressional Record? 1.1493 0.03594 134 117 14 3
3806 Say goodnight, Mrs. Dalloway!" "Ugh. Goodnight, Mrs. Dalloway. 1.1493 0.03266 134 115 18 1
3807 I 'killed' last night means I was funny. 1.1491 0.03575 114 98 15 1
3808 I guess you're a little bored with my bedroom performance. 1.1491 0.03351 114 97 17 0
3809 1568 2nd Ave, 1569 2nd Ave... Meh, close enough, let's get thing this started. 1.1491 0.03786 114 99 13 2
3810 And I'd really like to say a few words to my lovely wife Allison... 1.1491 0.03575 114 98 15 1
3811 I’m dying here, did you hear the one about bedspread and the book? 1.1491 0.03786 114 99 13 2
3812 Be honest with me. Is my comedy act a real snooze? 1.1491 0.03786 114 99 13 2
3813 . . . so, this kid in the KKK suit sits in Black Santa's lap and . . . 1.1488 0.03454 121 104 16 1
3814 Obi Wan here. I'm your only hope. 1.1488 0.03454 121 104 16 1
3815 Doris, this is just working for you. 1.1488 0.03454 121 104 16 1
3816 A toast to my sweetie--you retired before me. 1.1488 0.03454 121 104 16 1
3817 What's the next line after, 'I don't get no respect'? 1.1486 0.03371 148 129 16 3
3818 If at first you don't succeed, try until the magic happens. 1.1485 0.03556 101 86 15 0
3819 So see everybody, it goes like this. My wife, she's a reader, and it's like I'm not there. 1.1485 0.04075 101 88 11 2
3820 The whole world took advantage of me; I thought you wanted to celebrate failure and inflation with me. 1.1485 0.04311 101 89 9 3
3821 I’m looking for a third… 1.1484 0.03155 128 109 19 0
3822 Testing, one, two. Testing, one two. Do you read me.” 1.1484 0.03344 128 110 17 1
3823 A full house tonight, all of hogwarts listening. 1.1484 0.03694 128 112 13 3
3824 Honey, you said you'd support me if I started a podcast 1.1481 0.03069 135 115 20 0
3825 I guess while we wait for the cops she's going to do a little light reading. Hopefully it's a book on comedy club etiquette... and it fits in her mouth! 1.1481 0.03678 108 93 14 1
3826 Paid regular 1.1481 0.03678 108 93 14 1
3827 Now, I will discuss our last quarter's headwinds. 1.1479 0.02990 142 121 21 0
3828 xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx 1.1478 0.03755 115 100 13 2
3829 I am home and the house is on fire! 1.1478 0.03324 115 98 17 0
3830 You've been a great crowd, dont forget to try the 300 thread count, Egyptian cotton -poly blend 1.1478 0.03546 115 99 15 1
3831 Two Sleepy People"? Never heard of it 1.1475 0.03224 122 104 18 0
3832 Can you hear me by the backboard? 1.1475 0.03620 122 106 14 2
3833 This reminds me of that joke about a stand up comedian who tried to do home office... 1.1475 0.04143 122 109 8 5
3834 Darling, your sourdough starter's got on the cabinet again 1.1473 0.03320 129 111 17 1
3835 You sure don't do comedy by the book. 1.1471 0.03387 136 118 16 2
3836 Honey, my lamp stand is now my microphone stand. Honey! Honey! 1.1471 0.03222 136 117 18 1
3837 Hey lady, it’s hard enough getting a laugh in this room as it is. At least lose the book while I’m up here. 1.1471 0.04038 102 89 11 2
3838 Do you think I might have your attention for a few minutes? 1.1471 0.03048 136 116 20 0
3839 Just me and my voice that never let me sleep 1.1471 0.03048 136 116 20 0
3840 I really need to cancel my audiobook subscription 1.1471 0.03387 136 118 16 2
3841 Take my wife, please. (Ba da boom) . All she does is lie there and read. She ignores my hints. You’d think I wronged her in some way. Do I look like a malfeasance? (Ba da boom) 1.1466 0.03518 116 100 15 1
3842 Can I have your attention, plase? 1.1466 0.03518 116 100 15 1
3843 Once upon a time a Tortoise and a Rabbit had an argument about who was faster.... 1.1466 0.03921 116 102 11 3
3844 I see your not reading about sex again. 1.1466 0.03298 116 99 17 0
3845 This whole Comedy Store work from home thing is ridiculous. So- g’night- drive safely! 1.1466 0.03298 116 99 17 0
3846 Guess I haven't rocked the sheets with you. 1.1463 0.03773 123 108 12 3
3847 A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar ….. oh, you heard that one ….. 1.1463 0.03200 123 105 18 0
3848 This just in, 'Sand Man just taken into custody, after the discovery of Melatonin pills, smuggled inside the icon's sand bags.' You may need a longer novel tonight, young lady? 1.1463 0.03592 123 107 14 2
3849 You do realize that I am only an audience of one, which might affect how well received your message is by future throngs." 1.1462 0.03473 130 113 15 2
3850 ?Fly me to the moon Let me play among the stars.? 1.1462 0.03801 130 115 11 4
3851 and now ladies and gentlemen, the hokey pokey” 1.1460 0.03520 137 120 14 3
3852 ‘I’ll serenade you till death do us part’ 1.1457 0.03309 151 132 16 3
3853 This disproves the Democratic allegations that our candidate is illiterate. See, she can even read in bed. 1.1456 0.03755 103 89 13 1
3854 The results are in, and they’re not what we hoped for, but I want you to know I will never stop fighting for you. 1.1456 0.03493 103 88 15 0
3855 Guess she's just not that in to me?! 1.1455 0.03839 110 96 12 2
3856 I confess I'm at a loss, ladies and gentlemen - usually I compete with little telescreens, not books. 1.1453 0.03272 117 100 17 0
3857 One two, one two. Is this thing on? 1.1453 0.03695 117 102 13 2
3858 Do you think my Dean Martin impression will fly? 1.1453 0.03695 117 102 13 2
3859 The Gadsby says “you think I’m great? I mean what’s so funny about that?” 1.1453 0.03490 117 101 15 1
3860 Will you pay attention please 1.1453 0.03695 117 102 13 2
3861 And now.....chapter one 1.1453 0.03695 117 102 13 2
3862 Your attention, please! 1.1452 0.03176 124 106 18 0
3863 My appointment to converse with you, my dear, is tonight and I’m eight minutes delayed. Is forgiveness possible, Irene? 1.1452 0.03376 124 107 16 1
3864 Gideon, now VR.... 1.1452 0.03745 124 109 12 3
3865 And in the left corner, challenging the day, ... 1.1452 0.03565 124 108 14 2
3866 At least I know I can beat my last performance. 1.1449 0.03341 138 120 16 2
3867 This performance anxiety is killing me! 1.1442 0.03462 104 89 15 0
3868 This was admittedly an overly complicated way to express how I feel I don’t get no respect.” 1.1441 0.03585 111 96 14 1
3869 So you think I’m funny? I think I’m funny. 1.1441 0.03807 111 97 12 2
3870 I know you hate it when I bring my work home…but I killed tonight…let me know when you’re done your book… 1.1441 0.03246 118 101 17 0
3871 It's quarter to three, no one in the place but just you and me. Don't you think you should go to sleep now? 1.1441 0.03666 118 103 13 2
3872 I suppose trying out my 'Take my wife please joke" wouldn't be the right way to grab your attention either, right? 1.1441 0.03462 118 102 15 1
3873 My carbon pawprint, the future of dogs on this planet... environmental melancholia. 1.1441 0.03666 118 103 13 2
3874 And lastly I’d just like to say that these last few weeks I feel like I’ve been treated like a door mat 1.1441 0.03666 118 103 13 2
3875 Hey you, with the book, under the covers...would you go out with me if you just met me today? 1.1440 0.03351 125 108 16 1
3876 I appear on pages 7, 12, 18, 90 through 200, and finally on 325. You love me. 1.1440 0.03351 125 108 16 1
3877 Is anybody here from Akron? 1.1440 0.03351 125 108 16 1
3878 Attention, dear wife! This is your husband speaking. Remember me? 1.1439 0.03250 132 114 17 1
3879 I can't believe I agreed to my publisher's promotion for those who bought ten or more copies of my book, but I did. So here we are. Ask me whatever questions you like ... 1.1439 0.03746 132 117 11 4
3880 This is not what i mean by being more vocal about your feelings 1.1439 0.03067 132 113 19 0
3881 Our next act, sadly, is a great guy... 1.1439 0.03423 132 115 15 2
3882 I see that this is your first time using the analog version of an audio book. 1.1439 0.03318 139 121 16 2
3883 Using ZOOM, Fred thanked his wife for her support and encouragement throughout his career as an inspirational speaker. 1.1429 0.03431 105 90 15 0
3884 I've had smaller gigs. You shoulda seen the time I climbed inside an iron lung with a guy. Odd that it never occurred to me the fatal consequences of him laughing. 1.1429 0.03221 119 102 17 0
3885 How is everyone tonight? Feeling good, yeah?! Let me tell you about my wife... 1.1429 0.03221 119 102 17 0
3886 You're a tough audience! 1.1429 0.03327 126 109 16 1
3887 We just want to be loved. 1.1429 0.03637 119 104 13 2
3888 ... but frankly Marie, what you said this morning was quite offensive. I don't think it's such a big deal to be a monologue-kind-of guy 1.1429 0.03399 133 116 15 2
3889 my wife says she wants to punch up our love life 1.1429 0.03327 126 109 16 1
3890 But I thought you said you had a thing for stand-up? 1.1429 0.03435 119 103 15 1
3891 Hello everyone! Welcome to my sitcom life! Annnnnd it's not funny. 1.1419 0.03181 148 129 17 2
3892 Can you at least give me a hint of what to sink? 1.1418 0.03375 134 117 15 2
3893 Everyone says to separate your work life from your home life. But I get my best material from practicing on my hardest critic. No matter how good the book is. 1.1418 0.03375 134 117 15 2
3894 That's not what I meant by "tight five." 1.1418 0.03205 134 116 17 1
3895 But seriously hon, you've been a great audience. Now where are my pajamas? 1.1417 0.03409 120 104 15 1
3896 Sounding out difficult words is active. 1.1417 0.03197 120 103 17 0
3897 Are you there, Margaret? It’s me, Willy Loman. 1.1417 0.03608 120 105 13 2
3898 How about , "The best is yet to come", for old times sake? 1.1417 0.03409 120 104 15 1
3899 ‘before book on tape, there was narrator on bed’ 1.1417 0.03409 120 104 15 1
3900 She'll be coming around the mountain....." sing along with me honey! ( submitted by KatyByrne@aol.com 1.1416 0.03949 113 100 10 3
3901 Don’t forget your tip your server and I’ll be here all night folks. 1.1407 0.03352 135 118 15 2
3902 You' re reading too fast dear. I can't keep up. 1.1406 0.03278 128 111 16 1
3903 Wait till you hear the **ckline! 1.1406 0.03085 128 110 18 0
3904 Netflix special and chill 1.1406 0.03278 128 111 16 1
3905 I know the therapist suggested the stand up comic-bored nightclub customer role playing but you've still got to tip your waitress. 1.1406 0.03461 128 112 14 2
3906 Where is everybody from? Here? Literally, right here? 1.1406 0.03461 128 112 14 2
3907 Before I go Susie, I just wanted to let you know that I'll be here on Thursday as well. It's a good book you're reading. We're all counting on you. 1.1406 0.03085 128 110 18 0
3908 Candy colored clown they call the sandman... 1.1405 0.03768 121 107 11 3
3909 Ummm…Is this thing on!? 1.1405 0.03382 121 105 15 1
3910 Suzy soon regretted entering the “how many words can you read?” telethon 1.1404 0.03268 114 98 16 0
3911 Your not turned on by stand up comedy, you just wanted to finish reading the book 1.1404 0.03712 114 100 12 2
3912 Okay, here's the distraction gig! 1.1402 0.03860 107 94 11 2
3913 I'm being open and my name is Mike. Did I miss something? 1.1397 0.03161 136 118 17 1
3914 Testing parental role, 1-2-3. 1.1397 0.03489 136 120 13 3
3915 Take my wife, please – I no longer seem able to. 1.1397 0.02984 136 117 19 0
3916 Your life is an open book. But what about mine? 1.1395 0.03435 129 113 14 2
3917 This next one's for you, babe. 1.1395 0.03063 129 111 18 0
3918 What’s the deal with airline food? 1.1395 0.03254 129 112 16 1
3919 once upon a time i dreamt about being swept away by a lounge lizard! 1.1393 0.03553 122 107 13 2
3920 And I really look forward to our spending quality together-time like this... 1.1393 0.03553 122 107 13 2
3921 She's reading, "If elected, I promise..." and other Fairytales" 1.1393 0.03553 122 107 13 2
3922 My audiobooks weren’t selling as well as I hoped so I’m just trying this out to see if it helps. 1.1393 0.03553 122 107 13 2
3923 Lady, your imagination is too vivid.” 1.1391 0.03682 115 101 12 2
3924 I figured,this was the only way that I was able to get into your consciousness to sing you a lullaby. 1.1389 0.03826 108 95 11 2
3925 Madam, with your subscription you get this free audio book Ronaldhoffman445@mail.com NY, NY 1.1389 0.03358 144 127 14 3
3926 Zulfikar Ali Bhutto in the UN Security council 1.1389 0.03343 108 93 15 0
3927 This is my first studio gig. 1.1387 0.03306 137 120 15 2
3928 Testing … is this loud enough? … testing 1.1385 0.03041 130 112 18 0
3929 Maybe I need to go to bed. This story's getting too realistic. 1.1385 0.03231 130 113 16 1
3930 Listen, my book is the best book, the very best book and the only book so help me promote it? 1.1385 0.03231 130 113 16 1
3931 But you said you wanted to talk... 1.1382 0.03331 123 107 15 1
3932 (When I said I would honestly tell you everything, I didn’t know you would make such a production of it!” 1.1382 0.03525 123 108 13 2
3933 This act and I are getting tired. 1.1382 0.03331 123 107 15 1
3934 It's time to put the book down and go to bed! 1.1382 0.03125 123 106 17 0
3935 This radio broadcast is coming to you from the foot of the bed of a reading child - Let's see - her lips are moving - 1.1382 0.03125 123 106 17 0
3936 And now you’re 23 and the Master of Ceremonies is calling on you to deliver the bride’s response. 1.1382 0.03240 152 134 15 3
3937 Memorable Karoakes 1.1379 0.03216 116 100 16 0
3938 what the hell you trying to do? 1.1376 0.03315 109 94 15 0
3939 I'm here all week. We're out of veal. 1.1376 0.03793 109 96 11 2
3940 The third time I was pepper sprayed by an audience member I actually saw it coming. 1.1373 0.03697 102 89 12 1
3941 This is dedicated to the one I love 1.1371 0.03306 124 108 15 1
3942 Bit of a hopeless specimen this one 1.1371 0.03499 124 109 13 2
3943 Why aren’t you paying attention to me? I’m doing my routine and you’re not even looking up! 1.1371 0.03306 124 108 15 1
3944 I call this my "lie down" comedy. 1.1370 0.03169 146 128 16 2
3945 Well, that's it for tonight, folks...sigh...please don't get up... 1.1368 0.03190 117 101 16 0
3946 Excuse me. I'm leaving you for Julie, our neighbor, the World Cup alpine ski racer. 1.1368 0.03190 117 101 16 0
3947 Do you think this version of audio books will ever catch on? 1.1364 0.03760 110 97 11 2
3948 For auld lang syne, my dear. 1.1364 0.03287 110 95 15 0
3949 Honey! I don’t think this scotch is helping my stage freight… 1.1364 0.03185 132 115 16 1
3950 The 'Woke' will yield time back to the dying, old folk. 1.1364 0.03362 132 116 14 2
3951 No, I don't want your feedback. 1.1364 0.03679 88 76 12 0
3952 Three young, handsome guys walk into a bedroom…. 1.1360 0.03078 125 108 17 0
3953 Take my wife. So immature. While I was in the tub, one day, she came in and sank my toy boats. 1.1360 0.03281 125 109 15 1
3954 Raise your glass to staying and bed and doing nothing, again. 1.1360 0.03281 125 109 15 1
3955 But they stopped letting me into amateur night. You told me to keep at it. 1.1360 0.03281 125 109 15 1
3956 Sex with my wife is like standup comedy, except for the "standup"... 1.1356 0.03386 118 103 14 1
3957 My funny valentine-- Speak to me valentine-- 1.1356 0.03386 118 103 14 1
3958 Can you sound a little more Scottish, Professor McGonagall? 1.1356 0.03386 118 103 14 1
3959 Now it's time for some crowd work 1.1356 0.03790 118 105 10 3
3960 Full croon night 1.1356 0.03594 118 104 12 2
3961 I process through comedy 1.1351 0.03260 111 96 15 0
3962 Sure. Pretend not to notice me. Let’s see you ignore this! Kids, bring me my chain saws. 1.1351 0.03502 111 97 13 1
3963 I am the ghost of comedy club open mic nights past” 1.1349 0.03626 126 112 11 3
3964 The next one is called "nagging snoring background" 1.1349 0.03056 126 109 17 0
3965 Hey lady, you can buy books on CD. You know? 1.1345 0.03565 119 105 12 2
3966 No respect. These kids today won’t even look at you telling them a joke 1.1343 0.03141 134 117 16 1
3967 have you heard the one about a guy who goes into a bar?” 1.1339 0.03473 112 98 13 1
3968 If you turn the page, you will learn why standup is in my blood. 1.1339 0.03421 127 112 13 2
3969 Welcome to the ' I've got a headache hour', tonight's show on spoilers is brought to you by Female Contraceptives. Get them anywhere. 1.1338 0.03143 157 139 15 3
3970 Unaccustomed as I am ro private reading... 1.1333 0.03537 120 106 12 2
3971 I’d say you’re going to extremes to limit your screen time. 1.1333 0.02937 135 117 18 0
3972 I’ll be here every week. 1.1333 0.03537 120 106 12 2
3973 Hybrid work arrangement for comedians. 1.1333 0.03730 120 107 10 3
3974 Thank you, you've been a lovely audience. I'll be here all night. 1.1333 0.03292 135 119 14 2
3975 I promise, audio books are in our budget. 1.1328 0.03395 128 113 13 2
3976 Usually, this is where I'd say "I'm dyin' here", but I'm the ghost comic so I'll have to improvise. 1.1328 0.03209 128 112 15 1
3977 You can't ignore me -- I'll be here all week. 1.1328 0.03395 128 113 13 2
3978 Wake up. I 1.1328 0.03209 128 112 15 1
3979 « downside, not a big crowd tonight, but the good new is no hecklers! « 1.1324 0.03269 136 120 14 2
3980 And for our next guess,I'd like to introduce "your husband" 1.1322 0.03308 121 106 14 1
3981 Now hear this. Stop playing sick and get your ass out of bed! 1.1318 0.03546 129 115 11 3
3982 I´m going to finish it too. And that sound sad 1.1318 0.03371 129 114 13 2
3983 As the next contestant for your affection, may I ask that you stop reading that dam book and give me your full attention? 1.1316 0.03180 114 99 15 0
3984 Take my wife/please take her/to a world/of pure imagination 1.1316 0.03636 114 101 11 2
3985 Hi. I am the hero. 1.1314 0.03408 137 122 12 3
3986 So. This is what. An audio book looks like in Xmas 2022, I lost my gig doing the real audios. During the pandemic. Folks sharpened their own reading skills. Was the. Separation reason they laid off thousands of we. Recording book artists. 1.1314 0.03408 137 122 12 3
3987 I thought you wanted to spice things up with some bedroom talk?” “I said dirty talk, not dirty jokes, honey. 1.1314 0.03408 137 122 12 3
3988 Permit me to break in just long enough to announce that I'm not going to bed until I finish this nightcap. 1.1311 0.03282 122 107 14 1
3989 guess my stand up retune Guess my stand up comedy routine isn't too exciting 1.1311 0.03069 122 106 16 0
3990 Um No Ted, “let’s” talk… 1.1311 0.03069 122 106 16 0
3991 The cry was, ‘How do you get to Carnegie Hall?’ 1.1311 0.03282 122 107 14 1
3992 I'm just supposed to read the parts within quotation marks 1.1311 0.03282 122 107 14 1
3993 I’m Jawn Morgan. 1.1308 0.02968 130 113 17 0
3994 Swiping right on a standup guy just isn't the same as finding the real thing. 1.1304 0.03811 115 103 9 3
3995 That’s it. We have to find a way to save Caroline’s. 1.1304 0.03154 115 100 15 0
3996 When you're in your BOOK, that's it for the rest of the day. Phone calls or texts, it matters not what they say. I guess that's why I'll try the microphone today. 1.1301 0.03262 146 130 13 3
3997 And the award for Dumbest Person on Earth goes to my wife, because she supports Biden. I want a divorce, you commie bastard. 1.1301 0.03456 123 109 12 2
3998 How flat did it fall? It fell so flat that everyone was reading in bed ... in Las Angeles ... Honolulu ... Tokyo ... 1.1301 0.03257 123 108 14 1
3999 Ok ! I’m glad you liked that one. 1.1301 0.03046 123 107 16 0
4000 You did order the Audio Book,let's get started .Chapter 1 A penatrating chill swept the air.( hey turn the lights out it's even more realistic. .). .... 1.1298 0.03140 131 115 15 1
4001 Find your gown! Graduation day has arrived! 1.1298 0.02947 131 114 17 0
4002 My anxiety decided to hold an open mic night last night. The holiday mother-in-law joke was funny but otherwise I wasn’t amused. 1.1298 0.03140 131 115 15 1
4003 Read me that part again about the stand-up comic with a drink in his hand talking into a mic on top of your bed. 1.1295 0.03202 139 123 14 2
4004 Okay honey, you’ve made your point. You’re NOT a joke in bed. 1.1293 0.03360 116 102 13 1
4005 So I deleted my Twitter account the other day 1.1290 0.03023 124 108 16 0
4006 Are you signaling that book is more interesting than my speech? 1.1288 0.03118 132 116 15 1
4007 Now where it says Jesus (or God), put the name "Donald Trump". 1.1284 0.03219 109 95 14 0
4008 Hey! You're not falling asleep on me are you? 1.1282 0.03333 117 103 13 1
4009 So Hazel, what can you say about this magnificent book as your Grand Prize? 1.1282 0.03333 117 103 13 1
4010 People say I'm much better looking in person 1.1273 0.03192 110 96 14 0
4011 Yes, I'll love you forever." We married and lived happily ever after 1.1271 0.03306 118 104 13 1
4012 Oh, you're hilarious," she said. "Maybe you should consider doing standup. 1.1271 0.03519 118 105 11 2
4013 Let me explain something to you... 1.1270 0.03184 126 111 14 1
4014 I said it’s time to open a window not time to start open mic night. 1.1269 0.03074 134 118 15 1
4015 I am gonna give the greatest performance of my life in the bedroom,just like u have always wanted 1.1262 0.03288 103 90 13 0
4016 I thought tonight was my turn to lead the role play . 1.1261 0.03646 111 99 10 2
4017 I am communicating as best as I can. Laughs are appreciated. 1.1261 0.03414 111 98 12 1
4018 For my next song, no, this is not a reading club. 1.1259 0.02955 143 126 16 1
4019 Good evening, Virginia! 1.1250 0.03328 128 114 12 2
4020 sdf 1.1250 0.03615 112 100 10 2
4021 And for my final encore, I will sing Rock-A-Bye-Baby. 1.1250 0.03328 128 114 12 2
4022 But I thought you wanted me to but TWITTER! 1.1250 0.03032 120 105 15 0
4023 Honey, you're starting to make me nervous up here. What are you reading? How to Kill Your Husband and Get Away With It? Zinga! 1.1250 0.03660 120 108 9 3
4024 go talk to your other hoes".. Okay honey, I'll give you a show OR, in today's episode of how much I have done for yo 1.1250 0.03328 128 114 12 2
4025 *clears throat* "and now wonderwall " 1.1250 0.03660 120 108 9 3
4026 Welcome to this week's episode of "My Wife Ignoring Me". 1.1240 0.02913 129 113 16 0
4027 For the past two weeks you have been reading about a bad break. Yet today I consider myself the luckiest man on the face of the earth. 1.1240 0.03482 129 116 10 3
4028 That's one for my baby and one for the little road to Bedfordshire.... 1.1240 0.02913 129 113 16 0
4029 i’m just not a big fan of comedy 1.1240 0.03482 129 116 10 3
4030 Is it sophisticated to add a lemon squeeze to REALLY good vodka? 1.1240 0.03436 121 108 11 2
4031 This is your conscious speaking " can I have your attention please" Linda ignores the harsh thought that this may be closer to reality than she thought. 1.1238 0.03754 105 94 9 2
4032 They’re called breasts and we all have them. 1.1232 0.02808 138 121 17 0
4033 My next number is a little tune called "Unrequited." 1.1232 0.02990 138 122 15 1
4034 And now for the report from our social committee. 1.1232 0.02990 138 122 15 1
4035 Just a heads up that's not a microphone you're speaking into caption 1.1231 0.03092 130 115 14 1
4036 Hear Ye, Hear Ye! Hear Me, Hear Me 1.1228 0.03088 114 100 14 0
4037 So checkered surfaces actually do enhance the performance. 1.1228 0.03088 114 100 14 0
4038 Honey, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is, I landed a gig as a stand-up comedian. The bad news is, I'm starting my first set right now. 1.1228 0.03330 114 101 12 1
4039 Next question: Will you read me a story? 1.1220 0.02963 123 108 15 0
4040 America’s got talent 1.1220 0.03383 123 110 11 2
4041 Ladies and gentlemen and children of all ages, Alice will now read her Wonderland story. 1.1220 0.02963 123 108 15 0
4042 What do you call a stand-up comedian standing on top of someone's bed? You don't because it's all in your imagination." 1.1220 0.03180 123 109 13 1
4043 Not even funny when you read them? No Respect 1.1220 0.02963 123 108 15 0
4044 Cellophane, Mr. Cellophane… 1.1220 0.03383 123 110 11 2
4045 'I know ye bought the audiobook but can ye read a bit quicker?! I sold 47 of these today!' 1.1217 0.03302 115 102 12 1
4046 So, what's the deal with privacy, huh? 1.1215 0.03440 107 95 11 1
4047 Thanks. Great crowd, tonight. You know, that reminds me of a story… 1.1214 0.02950 140 124 15 1
4048 Do not go gentle into that good night, Just read until the dying of the light. 1.1212 0.03048 132 117 14 1
4049 Here's a funny one. A beautiful woman went to bed, and her husband didn't stay up to watch MNF! 1.1212 0.03406 132 119 10 3
4050 I'm looking for a bookimg. 1.1210 0.03155 124 110 13 1
4051 Last call, darlin’. Bar closes in 15 minutes. 1.1210 0.03155 124 110 13 1
4052 this is your new bedtime routine” 1.1207 0.03038 116 102 14 0
4053 Roll on December 31st. His next New Year's resolution better be a sport 1.1206 0.03098 141 126 13 2
4054 Compared to Strange World, I'm hardling bombing at all. 1.1203 0.03026 133 118 14 1
4055 . . . Take a look, it’s in a book, a reading rainbooooooow 1.1203 0.03026 133 118 14 1
4056 This is a mela-tough crowd.” 1.1200 0.02979 150 134 14 2
4057 Maybe not the intimacy either one of us was hoping for, but it’ll have to do. 1.1200 0.02825 150 133 16 1
4058 Live from our bedroom on a typical night. See you in the studio tomorrow. 1.1193 0.03850 109 99 7 3
4059 she's actually reading, a book with hard covers and chapters 1.1193 0.03380 109 97 11 1
4060 Blowing, blowing in the wind. I'm just blowing in the wind 1.1190 0.03108 126 112 13 1
4061 A room of one's own. 1.1188 0.03528 101 90 10 1
4062 And now, thanks to Scotty and the Enterprise, we beam onto Joyce's bed where she is devouring SCI/FY LIES. 1.1186 0.03223 118 105 12 1
4063 A family act goes to see a talent agent about booking them... 1.1186 0.03440 118 106 10 2
4064 I was talking about your sexual performance in bed but please finish your 20 minute chunk about airline peanuts, Daryl! 1.1186 0.03440 118 106 10 2
4065 @rattailjimmyjr they say plaid is the new thing and sex with books will get you plenty looks. 1.1186 0.03223 118 105 12 1
4066 I think the microphone gives my Dad jokes more oomph. 1.1185 0.02984 135 120 14 1
4067 I know the deal was for a tight 5 but what would you say to a loose 3? 1.1176 0.02966 119 105 14 0
4068 When the stork tries out new material 1.1176 0.03197 119 106 12 1
4069 You are the only one showing deep interest in my stand up world funniest jokes… 1.1172 0.03062 128 114 13 1
4070 Figured I can’t shit the bed if I’m standing on it! How’s that for comedy? 1.1172 0.02854 128 113 15 0
4071 I know you said you had some notes on my act but this just seems excessive 1.1172 0.03062 128 114 13 1
4072 Let me make this loud and clear. It's either Humphrey Chimpden Earwicker or me! 1.1171 0.03322 111 99 11 1
4073 …And with that let’s raise a glass to forgiveness.. babe? 1.1171 0.03560 111 100 9 2
4074 Don’t be ridiculous, put that thing away and come to bed !! 1.1168 0.03120 137 123 12 2
4075 A talent agent is sitting in his office, and in walks a family… 1.1167 0.03385 120 108 10 2
4076 reading from the LAPTOP FROM HELL by Miranda Devine after two years of hearing the coordinated rehearsed false narrative between the mainstream media, the Democratic Party, Hollywood, @Twitter, Joe Biden, and @K_JeanPierre 1.1165 0.03975 103 94 6 3
4077 You cannot judge me by my cover. 1.1158 0.03300 95 84 11 0
4078 my Juliet 1.1154 0.03017 130 116 13 1
4079 Knock knock...Come on!...Knock kn...Honey? 1.1150 0.03500 113 102 9 2
4080 ...and the dog said "ruff"... Hello? This is a toughest open mic I've done. 1.1150 0.03015 113 100 13 0
4081 You know Spotify is cheaper then my hourly rate, right? 1.1138 0.03098 123 110 12 1
4082 When I'm calling you-ou-ou-ou-ou-ou-ou, Will you answer true-ou-ou-ou-ou-ou-ou? 1.1134 0.03236 97 86 11 0
4083 Ma'am.. you do understand that our audio service let's you actually put the book down. 1.1130 0.02966 115 102 13 0
4084 So I sing you to sleep After the lovin'... And the love on your face Is so real that it makes me want to cry 1.1129 0.03281 124 112 10 2
4085 I know you don't want to hear this sweetie, but it's been five years now. Justin Bieber's monkey isn't going back on the tour. 1.1129 0.03075 124 111 12 1
4086 Good Evening! They don't call me a stand-up comic for nothin'! 1.1128 0.03140 133 120 11 2
4087 Tonight I want to propose a toast to the author of that book you are reading for his excellent storytelling. 1.1128 0.03140 133 120 11 2
4088 You said you're too old to keep reading to you. I took it to heart. So what's the problem? 1.1121 0.03065 107 95 12 0
4089 So my wife would rather read a book than have sex. I said... 1.1121 0.02942 116 103 13 0
4090 Geez, how I hate those hollowgrams. Wish Election Day were over. 1.1121 0.02942 116 103 13 0
4091 Once upon a time, she actually read a book. 1.1120 0.03051 125 112 12 1
4092 I'm trying to finish this chapter, Mervyn. If you had bothered to "read" the room, you might have noticed. 1.1120 0.03256 125 113 10 2
4093 ...and my arms sure are tired! 1.1119 0.02734 134 119 15 0
4094 And here we have a book nerd that never let's go of their books, even in bed! Hah, what an excuse to "relax" before bed. 1.1119 0.03293 134 122 9 3
4095 What a millenial point! By 'becoming a righteous woman' they meant exhibiting the rights of transgender women! 1.1118 0.03032 152 138 11 3
4096 I love performing at this dump. 1.1111 0.02811 126 112 14 0
4097 So, the day job is my better play, ya think? 1.1111 0.02811 126 112 14 0
4098 This is how reading will be like on metaverse", said the narrator 1.1111 0.02811 126 112 14 0
4099 Good evening, imaginary nightclub audience. My wife refuses to "get frisky" unless I first pretend to be a famous, charming, funny, desirable crooner & stand-up comedian, do a set of jokes, & then sing the love-song "Tonight" from West Side Story. 1.1102 0.03135 118 106 11 1
4100 Your exact words were, “I want you to be more confident in bed.” 1.1102 0.02895 118 105 13 0
4101 Too‐Ra‐Loo‐Ra‐Loo‐Ral 1.1094 0.03371 128 117 8 3
4102 Would you at least clap when the MC comes back? 1.1092 0.02872 119 106 13 0
4103 But…Henny Youngman sent me!?! 1.1091 0.03253 110 99 10 1
4104 It is 7 PM Easter War Time. This is WEAF on the NBC Red network. Welcome to ""Bedtime Hour". Time for all you kiddies to gather around the radio to listen to little Jennie Mitchell as she reads "Peter Rabbit". Then is its off to bed. 1.1087 0.02851 138 124 13 1
4105 Is this thing on? Hey, so I died onstage doing standup comedy, and now I come back as a ghost to my bedroom every night, endlessly performing, because I never got The Light. Ohhh! 1.1087 0.02851 138 124 13 1
4106 When a writer has a strong, distinct voice…. 1.1085 0.02749 129 115 14 0
4107 Your so wrapped up with Margaret Attwood, I can't get this gig to shine. 1.1081 0.03470 111 101 8 2
4108 And they said one-line punchlines were dead... I wish I were dead. 1.1071 0.02936 112 100 12 0
4109 and for most books read in the years of Covid isolation and a husband lost to alcoholic stupor, the winner is... 1.1066 0.03252 122 111 9 2
4110 Attention! The house is on fire! You must put down your book and run to the nearest exit. 1.1066 0.03252 122 111 9 2
4111 At least look me in the eyes when you heckle. 1.1062 0.02911 113 101 12 0
4112 so, uh, any of you fellas here super into pegging? [throws voice] whooo fuck yeah 1.1062 0.02911 113 101 12 0
4113 Honey,please stop bringing your crowd work home with you. 1.1053 0.03068 133 121 10 2
4114 Honey, would you rather see my bit or my bits? 1.1043 0.03118 115 104 10 1
4115 Funny enough without saying a word, huh? 1.1043 0.03118 115 104 10 1
4116 And so the producer asks, "What is the name of your act?" and the lead guy says, "We, sir, are The Aristocrats." Bum-CHING! Thanks, folks, I'm here all week... 1.1034 0.02840 116 104 12 0
4117 Honestly that's a step up from last week's obsessive doom-scrolling. 1.1034 0.02840 116 104 12 0
4118 I'd like to say a few words before your retire 1.1028 0.02950 107 96 11 0
4119 Folks, I never wanted to be a stand-up comic but I wasn't any good lying down. lie-down comedy. 1.1017 0.02794 118 106 12 0
4120 Would you rather I do "Fiddler" in Yiddish? 1.1000 0.03060 130 119 9 2
4121 Your performance, better be a lot better than that was. 1.0985 0.02603 132 119 13 0
4122 I always sing to you and your birthday 1.0979 0.02494 143 129 14 0
4123 - Is my stand-up act too bad? 1.0976 0.02686 123 111 12 0
4124 And that, my fellow reader, is why my book is the most important book ever written. Thank you 1.0976 0.02686 123 111 12 0
4125 Huh, this has never happened to me - this stuff usually works great! 1.0976 0.02924 123 112 10 1
4126 Dear, please don't ignore me tonight as I would like to make a formal pronouncement about the state of the world...." 1.0940 0.02969 117 107 9 1
4127 (Him) Welcome to Open Mic Night once again on Open Book Night, hoping once again that, well, two more things will open up... (Her, under her breath) Hey, fella, this is a family show! (Him) Well! Isn't that's how families are made? 1.0938 0.03025 128 118 8 2
4128 If you want the family to make it on a reality TV show, you have to act like you’re at least listening to my advice during these strategic shots. 1.0918 0.03271 98 90 7 1
4129 I'm here all week, can you try the Neal? 1.0917 0.03130 120 111 7 2
4130 Sorry, but you did marry a jazz singer. 1.0909 0.02732 132 121 10 1
4131 Gee wiz, I'm all set with the audio version for tonight. 1.0901 0.02730 111 101 10 0
4132 So you think my narrative needs a bit more suspense? 1.0853 0.02469 129 118 11 0
4133 She is relentless reading on until she recalls what she read last night! 1.0796 0.02558 113 104 9 0
4134 I let my wife read 50 shades of grey. Look where i am today. 1.0588 0.02473 119 113 5 1