Contest #732


Cartoon

732

The winning captions

These captions are chosen by The New Yorker.

  1. “Where were you between the hours of beddy-bye and nighty-night?”
  2. “The defense can’t rest without this witness.”
  3. “We demand blanket immunity.”


Name Value
Submission deadline 2020-11-08T19:47:00.000Z
Voting started -
Voting ended 2020-11-22T19:49:00.000Z
Finalists announced 2020-11-16T19:48:00.000Z
Magazine(s) announcing finalists issued November 23, 2020
Number of captions 5961
Number of responses 945258
Number of participants -


Dashboard

In this table, the "mean" means the empirically measured average funniness score when the "unfunny", "somewhat funny" and "funny" receive a funniness score of 1, 2, 3 respectively. "Precison" is the standard error of the mean, the standard deviation of the mean estimate. With that, a caption with an empirical mean μ and precision σ has true mean in the range [μ - 2σ, μ + 2σ] with 95% probability by the 68-95-99.7 rule assuming the responses are indepedent and identically distributed.

Rank Caption Mean Precision Total votes "Unfunny" votes "Somewhat funny" votes "Funny" votes
0 It's true, your honor. I slept with the witness. 2.3111 0.00616 15673 2991 4820 7863
1 And at what point did they threaten to beat the stuffing out of you? 2.1048 0.01268 3560 851 1485 1224
2 Isn't it true, Mr. Bear, that you were in bed with my client on the night in question? 2.0760 0.00792 9579 2540 3771 3268
3 The defense can't rest without this witness. 2.0560 0.00758 11509 3508 3852 4149
4 The witness admits having slept with the defendant. 2.0437 0.00670 13324 3716 5314 4294
5 Your Honor, I’d like to hold this witness for further questioning. 1.9585 0.01592 2364 759 944 661
6 Where were you between the hours of beddy-bye and nighty-night? 1.9526 0.00822 9993 3635 3204 3154
7 Wasn’t your left eye sewn back on AFTER you identified my client?! 1.9468 0.00815 9975 3592 3326 3057
8 Your Honor. Although the dog insists that he just wants to play, my client would still like a restraining order. 1.9333 0.01375 3463 1257 1180 1026
9 I’ll rephrase the question. “fuzzy wuzzy wasn’t fuzzy, was he?”. 1.9308 0.00931 7706 2871 2502 2333
10 This is the most credible witness we could find at the White House. 1.9237 0.00947 8372 3486 2040 2846
11 We demand blanket immunity 1.9235 0.00928 7468 2726 2595 2147
12 Is the person who put you in the washer and dryer in this courtroom? 1.9227 0.00878 8386 3067 2903 2416
13 I must recuse myself, your Honor. I sleep with the defendant. 1.9203 0.00753 10980 3911 4040 3029
14 Well, your honor, if he isn't qualified to bear witness, who is? 1.9151 0.01556 2661 979 929 753
15 He’s been in and out of thrift stores since age 10. 1.9020 0.00818 10021 3908 3192 2921
16 Three years of being dragged down the stairs by my ear. I snapped. 1.8477 0.00982 6873 2887 2148 1838
17 “Your honor, please instruct the witness that he can’t answer every question with ‘I love you this much.’ ” 1.8253 0.01188 4391 1815 1530 1046
18 He's undeniably an accessory to kid napping. 1.8236 0.01080 5639 2445 1746 1448
19 Let the record show the witness' lips are sealed. 1.8131 0.01179 4269 1763 1550 956
20 He still maintains, Your Honor, that the hugging was not consensual. 1.7976 0.01073 5357 2322 1804 1231
21 What he does in the woods is not on trial! 1.7835 0.01122 5243 2433 1517 1293
22 Teddy? Pooh? Boo-Boo? Exactly how many aliases do you have, sir? 1.7833 0.01133 4628 1985 1661 982
23 No need to break for lunch, Your Honor, my client is stuffed. 1.7759 0.01087 5256 2354 1726 1176
24 Oh, c'mon, Your Honor, how could this possibly not please the court? 1.7701 0.01200 4184 1851 1444 889
25 The witness is toying with us, your honor." 1.7625 0.01308 3381 1474 1236 671
26 It was as close to an adult as we could find in the White House. 1.7598 0.01289 4067 1984 1078 1005
27 Your Honor, my client needs a hug. 1.7456 0.01304 3526 1619 1185 722
28 Your Honor, the defendant has every right to bear arms. 1.7453 0.01497 2886 1394 833 659
29 I don’t know whether to hold you in contempt or just hold you. 1.7395 0.01230 3754 1688 1358 708
30 And you believe that Build-A-Bear’s negligence, which resulted in your inability to lower your arms, is what caused you to lose the Kung Fu Panda role? 1.7373 0.01456 3144 1569 832 743
31 Is the the person who abandoned you when she left for college seated in this courtroom? 1.7373 0.01445 2710 1219 985 506
32 Objection, your honor, the witness’s memory is fuzzy. 1.7366 0.01386 3071 1424 1035 612
33 My client has an airtight alibi. At the time of the crime, he hadn't even been manufactured. 1.7317 0.01167 4815 2401 1306 1108
34 Do you deny you were found in bed, with the accused, on the day of the incident? 1.7201 0.01117 4338 1955 1644 739
35 I asked for the defendant to bear witness... not for a bear witness 1.7197 0.01201 4252 2067 1310 875
36 Please show us on the lady where he touched you 1.7179 0.01485 3056 1582 754 720
37 Sir , please just answer the question , Fuzzy Wuzzy wasn’t fuzzy was he ? 1.7161 0.01158 4582 2245 1394 943
38 Let the record show that the witness stated his chair is "just right" 1.7135 0.01276 3529 1667 1207 655
39 Let the record show that the witness answered “So Big”. 1.7090 0.01199 4131 2002 1329 800
40 Your honor, I believe the witness meant “colluding,” not “cuddling.” 1.7089 0.01399 3040 1476 973 591
41 I hope you’re not expecting blanket immunity. 1.7071 0.01237 3837 1853 1255 729
42 You expect us to believe you were at home in bed the night of the murder? 1.7034 0.01132 4568 2216 1491 861
43 Your honor, it's going to take 2 AAs to get him to talk 1.6991 0.01451 2812 1390 881 541
44 He says he’s a little fuzzy on the details. 1.6965 0.01155 4148 1968 1471 709
45 On the night of the murder, isn’t it true that you slept with the defendant? 1.6962 0.01182 3960 1887 1392 681
46 No, your Honor, this witness IS Mr Trump’s constitutional expert. 1.6908 0.01560 2723 1461 646 616
47 Your Honor, my client insists on his Second Amendment right to bear arms. 1.6904 0.01270 3811 1949 1095 767
48 Your honor, my client only speaks when mom and dad leave the room. 1.6895 0.01486 2612 1284 855 473
49 I have to recuse myself. I slept with this witness for 10 years 1.6797 0.01367 2975 1463 1005 507
50 And you lured her, knowing all along that the porridge was "just right," didn't you? 1.6786 0.01900 1509 731 532 246
51 Admit it, you were in her bed that night. 1.6761 0.01290 3353 1661 1120 572
52 Your honor, permission to snuggle with the witness? 1.6739 0.01518 2573 1319 774 480
53 Where were you on the nighty-night of the 31st? 1.6707 0.01518 2490 1262 787 441
54 ... and then I heard her say 'chew toy' and that's the last thing I remember. 1.6677 0.01855 1667 847 527 293
55 Ted talks 1.6665 0.01660 2210 1164 619 427
56 In his defense, Your Honor, she ate all of his porridge. 1.6644 0.01710 1940 985 621 334
57 Your honor, the defendant was hired as a companion not an escort 1.6608 0.01894 1530 767 515 248
58 You have the right to remain silent 1.6561 0.01552 2329 1199 735 395
59 So...you DO admit having slept with the defendant! 1.6534 0.01408 2830 1454 903 473
60 He’s usually under cover. 1.6531 0.01651 2070 1067 654 349
61 Mr. Snuggles, did you, or did you not, conspire with the monster under the bed to frighten the defendant? 1.6516 0.01656 2052 1059 649 344
62 And your testifying that all two thousand of the hugs you received were non-consensual? 1.6493 0.01459 2780 1481 793 506
63 Your Honor, the defendant hugged my client without their permission on multiple occasions. 1.6477 0.01673 2231 1228 561 442
64 His silence is making a mockery of this trial yiur honor. 1.6370 0.01807 1992 1140 435 417
65 Your honor, please let the record show that the defendant prefers to be referred to as Theodore. 1.6281 0.01590 2127 1114 690 323
66 Your honor, would you please instruct the witness to raise just his right hand? 1.6277 0.01646 2095 1137 604 354
67 Your honor, the witness is being unresponsive and cuddly. 1.6262 0.01834 1731 948 482 301
68 Counsel will cease asking the bear witness to bear witness. 1.6233 0.01678 1954 1049 594 311
69 Your honor, my client’s memory is admittedly a little fuzzy ... 1.6192 0.01700 1791 934 605 252
70 Permission to cross-snuggle the witness, your honor. 1.6145 0.01962 1655 969 355 331
71 I said raise your RIGHT hand and repeat after me... 1.6139 0.01962 1580 903 384 293
72 Let the record show that the witness loves the defendant ‘This much.’ 1.6133 0.01841 1554 828 500 226
73 So you're telling me under oath that the name Christopher Robin is still unfamiliar to you? 1.6107 0.02440 881 469 286 126
74 And yet you were the last person to see Blankie that night, weren’t you? 1.6107 0.01944 1446 786 437 223
75 Did the defendant really say he was going to knock the stuffing out of you? 1.6101 0.01841 1590 859 492 239
76 and then he yelled, Hands where i can see them... 1.6088 0.02000 1508 865 368 275
77 The witness suggests you could use a hug. 1.6087 0.02058 1495 880 320 295
78 Being dragged around by the arm has caused my client pain, suffering and great loss of dignity. 1.6073 0.01912 1416 756 461 199
79 Your honor, my client thought he was charged with snuggling. 1.6032 0.02033 1356 758 379 219
80 Let the record show that the defendant needs a hug. 1.6032 0.02018 1424 807 375 242
81 what is your preferred pronoun? 1.6028 0.02627 798 441 233 124
82 Just your right hand will do. 1.6012 0.03195 514 278 163 73
83 Motion to cuddle the witness is denied. 1.6000 0.02095 1340 769 338 233
84 Can you point to the person who knocked the stuffing out of you? 1.5996 0.01984 1366 750 413 203
85 He said if I wanna cross examine him I Have to hug him first 1.5979 0.02197 1338 809 258 271
86 So you admit you were sleeping with the defendant. 1.5963 0.01973 1298 698 427 173
87 “He’s not telling us all he knows. Permission to pull his string again, Your Honor.” 1.5957 0.02025 1291 708 397 186
88 "Permission to approach the bench for cuddles, your honor?" 1.5947 0.02216 1310 794 253 263
89 Your honor, the defendant will invoke his right to remain silent. 1.5938 0.02070 1248 690 375 183
90 Do you need a hug? 1.5938 0.02224 1312 800 245 267
91 But, Your Honor, he is a material witness. 1.5923 0.02096 1214 672 365 177
92 Your honor, he's qualified to testify as an expert because he's smarter than the average bear. 1.5911 0.02127 1186 662 348 176
93 Do you deny sleeping with the defendant? 1.5893 0.02094 1181 650 367 164
94 Your Honor, "Pooh" is NOT an expletive! 1.5870 0.02189 1109 618 331 160
95 He wants to know if you'd be open to a hug. 1.5839 0.02375 1127 690 216 221
96 And this is the extent to which you have been able to raise your hands since the sewing, correct? 1.5837 0.02186 1069 588 338 143
97 I ask you again, did you or did you not sleep with the accused? 1.5824 0.02228 1056 589 319 148
98 No, I do NOT need a hug. Just answer the question. 1.5816 0.02191 1109 624 325 160
99 Please refer to the witness as Theodore. 1.5801 0.02183 1086 607 329 150
100 I apologize, your honor, Mr. Giuliani told me the witness would be credible. 1.5801 0.02400 1024 607 240 177
101 Just answer the question- did you sleep with her? 1.5772 0.02283 1036 591 292 153
102 So at no time you were ever told you would be a chew toy? 1.5758 0.02374 950 541 271 138
103 Where you cuddling or were you not? 1.5746 0.02510 999 617 190 192
104 Your Honor, I intend to prove that the defendent is smarter than the average bear. 1.5730 0.02269 972 539 309 124
105 That's not what the court means when it says bear witness. 1.5708 0.02383 946 544 264 138
106 So Ted, how long have you been sleeping with children? 1.5699 0.03119 544 311 156 77
107 Yeah. I was there for her every stinking night, and then suddenly, 12 years later, she says, she doesn't need me any more. 1.5642 0.02510 872 512 228 132
108 She was *THIS" big, had yellow ponytails and ate all my food! 1.5638 0.02423 878 501 259 118
109 Permission to treat this very bad bear as a cuddly witness, your honor. 1.5617 0.02777 826 523 142 161
110 Permission to snuggle with the witness. 1.5617 0.02741 851 540 144 167
111 Your honor, I move to squeeze and snuggle the witness. 1.5580 0.02843 810 523 122 165
112 Your honor, Teddy is telling me we should hug and make up. 1.5580 0.02777 828 528 138 162
113 And tell us Theodore... do you see the child, who heartlessly abandoned you for a superhero action figure, seated in this courtroom? 1.5575 0.02512 818 472 236 110
114 So it's fair to say you didn't actually make all the boo-boos better, isn't it? 1.5570 0.02633 684 383 222 79
115 It was either him or the imaginary friend, your Honor, and quite frankly we still can’t locate her. 1.5567 0.02601 794 467 212 115
116 'and my client says the plaintiff squeezed him, hugged him, and then she took him to bed without his consent' 1.5565 0.02501 805 460 242 103
117 And why did you think the porridge was left out for you? 1.5561 0.02507 793 454 238 101
118 So, who threatened to knock the stuffing out of you? 1.5558 0.02567 770 442 228 100
119 Strangulation by hugging is a serious offense. 1.5544 0.02906 772 500 116 156
120 One more outburst of 'awww' and I will clear this courtroom. 1.5543 0.02668 727 422 207 98
121 Your honor, I move for dismissal on the grounds the defendant needs a hug. 1.5538 0.02915 771 501 113 157
122 We request a recess. Followed by a snack and a nap. 1.5533 0.02578 750 429 227 94
123 Motion granted. Counsel may hug the witness. 1.5507 0.02823 750 468 151 131
124 And you’re known on the street as “Snuggles,” isn’t that right? 1.5495 0.02697 717 421 198 98
125 Mr. Snuggums, is it true you slept with the defendant on numerous occasions? 1.5493 0.02523 750 424 240 86
126 At what point did your client replace Mr Giuliani with you sir? 1.5491 0.02724 743 450 179 114
127 I am now calling to the stand Mr. Trump’s witness, who will testify that he observed widespread voting fraud 1.5477 0.02837 723 450 151 122
128 I think you misunderstood when I said ‘bear witness.’ 1.5474 0.02660 738 435 202 101
129 So, "Teddy", if that is your real name... 1.5461 0.02672 716 419 203 94
130 Permission to treat this witness as textile, your honor? 1.5455 0.02740 715 428 184 103
131 My client asks that the hungry black Doberman be struck from the jury 1.5452 0.02774 664 389 188 87
132 Really, your defense is that you were hibernating? 1.5443 0.02848 610 353 182 75
133 Can you prove you were in bed with the defendant at the time of the crime? 1.5424 0.02626 695 398 217 80
134 ...and I hereby rule that any caption competition entry that uses the phrase "bear witness" shall be declared inadmissible. 1.5410 0.02908 634 382 161 91
135 She picked me up and carried me to her bed. How would YOU have interpreted that? 1.5393 0.02832 649 387 174 88
136 The witness has received blanket immunity. We expect him to talk. 1.5364 0.02702 632 365 197 70
137 Your objection that the witness has no backbone is sustained. 1.5364 0.02730 632 363 199 70
138 I grew up with Winnie the Poo, I have worked with Winnie the Poo, I know Winnie the Poo. Your Honor, this witness is NOT Winnie the Poo. 1.5362 0.02876 621 370 169 82
139 Yes, your honor, this is our only witness to election fraud. 1.5361 0.03001 623 386 140 97
140 My client had both hands up the whole time and they still shot him. 1.5343 0.02848 597 363 155 79
141 Your honor, this was the only witness that Giuliani provided. 1.5327 0.03214 535 331 123 81
142 Your Honor, I contend that Fuzzy Wuzzy was not fuzzy, was he? 1.5299 0.02860 602 356 173 73
143 My client is protected under the 2nd amendment: The right to bear arms. 1.5297 0.02971 589 359 149 81
144 Can you estimate how many hours you worked as an " emotional support bear" for the defendant without receiving compensation?" 1.5288 0.03149 520 314 137 69
145 Permission to anthropomorphize the witness, Your Honor. 1.5264 0.03028 530 316 150 64
146 Kangaroo court is next door. 1.5259 0.03487 405 241 115 49
147 Can you tell the court who put the kilo of cocaine in your stomach? 1.5253 0.03035 554 335 147 72
148 Wouldn’t you agree that “The” is a very unusual middle name Mr. Pooh? 1.5251 0.02954 558 331 161 66
149 Wasn't that the very day the teddy bears had their picnic? 1.5242 0.02982 559 335 155 69
150 You stated that the assailant was fuzzy. Yet my client, Fuzzy Wuzzy, wasn't fuzzy, was he? 1.5241 0.03149 540 334 129 77
151 Can you confirm that he threatened to knock the stuffing out of you? 1.5228 0.03355 394 226 130 38
152 And you expect the jury to believe you were sitting on a shelf with a sock monkey for the entire evening in question? 1.5228 0.02911 549 321 169 59
153 He said he would knock the stuffing out of me. 1.5226 0.03058 530 318 147 65
154 Your honor, let the record reflect that the witness is being non-responsive. 1.5223 0.03001 538 320 155 63
155 Your honor, I've called my next witness who can verify the suspect's whereabouts between the hours of beddy-bye and nighty-night time. 1.5221 0.03485 429 263 108 58
156 .....And can you point out for the jury, the the little girl that violated your bed, and your chair, and your porridge? 1.5221 0.03041 542 332 139 71
157 Your Honor, I believe the defense is toying with you. 1.5220 0.02900 546 318 171 57
158 Objection, non-responsive 1.5213 0.02974 539 319 159 61
159 Your honor, permission to cuddle the witness? 1.5198 0.02980 529 312 159 58
160 Your Honor, I'm going to have to pull some strings to get him to talk. 1.5193 0.03002 518 305 157 56
161 Your honor, my client wishes to exercise his right to remain silent. 1.5186 0.03057 511 304 149 58
162 Permission to treat the witness as cute and cuddly, your honor. 1.5182 0.02993 523 309 157 57
163 Can you be more specific than just saying that the defendant 'knocked the stuffing' out of you? 1.5150 0.02993 499 291 159 49
164 What pronoun do you prefer? 1.5143 0.03210 488 301 124 63
165 Mr. Trump, please get off the floor and back in the witness chair. Nobody's being mean to you 1.5136 0.03296 514 329 106 79
166 Is this really the only witness they could get to prove that the election was fraudulent? 1.5124 0.03313 482 302 113 67
167 He refuses to answer on the grounds that his lips are sewn together. 1.5123 0.03240 486 300 123 63
168 I'm sorry your honor. He only responds to Theodore. 1.5116 0.03194 432 252 139 41
169 It’s time to put this case to bed. 1.5116 0.03261 432 256 131 45
170 Look around the courtroom and tell us if you see Goldilocks,the girl you say ate your porridge,broke your chair,and slept in your bed. 1.5110 0.03103 501 303 140 58
171 Do you deny hiding under the bed while Abigail cried and thought you were lost? 1.5102 0.03097 488 292 143 53
172 The defendant has taken the stand to say he is sorry and really needs a hug. 1.5102 0.03184 492 302 129 61
173 So then fuzzy wuzzy wasn't very fuzzy, was he? 1.5085 0.03216 472 288 128 56
174 Now point out the girl that ate your porridge and broke your chair. 1.5084 0.03040 476 284 144 48
175 And your testimony is that you spent the entire night with the defendant. 1.5084 0.03172 478 290 133 55
176 So Mr. Poo, you claim to have no knowledge of a honey laundering operation? 1.5082 0.03576 364 218 107 39
177 Mr. Trump says you voted 700 times in Pennsylvania. Is this true? 1.5071 0.03560 420 266 95 59
178 The defense naps, your honor. 1.5056 0.03135 445 269 130 46
179 So, you're saying it was no picnic, is that right? 1.5049 0.03365 408 245 120 43
180 So it’s your contention that when you told the plaintiff to get stuffed, you meant it as a compliment? 1.5039 0.03484 389 236 110 43
181 Your Honor, the neighbor's dog ate his sister, so I would ask you consider that in your ruling. 1.5023 0.03196 438 261 134 43
182 You “have the right to bear arms”? Is this a joke to you, Mr. Teddy? 1.5022 0.03363 450 282 110 58
183 He's just a material witness your Honor. 1.5022 0.03270 452 280 118 54
184 Your Honor, if the witness refuses to answer the question, I would ask that the court instruct the bailiff to pull the little string on his back. 1.5011 0.03191 439 262 134 43
185 The defendant exercised both the Fifth Amendment and his right to bear arms. 1.5011 0.03381 439 274 110 55
186 Show us on the bear where the president touched you. . 1.4988 0.03557 429 285 77 67
187 Permission to treat Eric Trump as hostile, your honor? 1.4988 0.03533 429 276 92 61
188 So it’s your testimony that for every bear that ever there was, that you, alone, were not at the picnic? 1.4976 0.03425 418 260 108 50
189 Don't play cute with me 1.4970 0.03764 328 200 93 35
190 Sir, for the record, is your legal first name Theodore? 1.4965 0.03238 427 257 128 42
191 Your honor,my client prefers Theodore. 1.4965 0.03300 425 259 121 45
192 The defendant claims to have been in bed at the time." 1.4964 0.03209 413 244 133 36
193 Permission to pull the defendant’s string, your honor. 1.4953 0.03168 424 251 136 37
194 Did you get a good look at their face before they threw you in the washer? 1.4926 0.03382 408 251 113 44
195 My client would like to request that the court goes into hibernation. 1.4926 0.03343 404 248 114 42
196 First a packed court, now a stuffed witness? 1.4912 0.03529 399 252 98 49
197 I rule that the testimony of the witness is not too long and not too short, but just right. 1.4911 0.03273 395 235 126 34
198 Oh, don't look so innocent! 1.4909 0.03501 385 241 100 44
199 and the employe from build a bear touched you where? 1.4899 0.03512 396 249 100 47
200 And were these hugs welcome? 1.4896 0.03339 384 230 120 34
201 Your honor, the witness was working undercovers. 1.4896 0.03359 384 231 118 35
202 It looks like we will need three sizes of witness chairs to proceed with this trial. 1.4887 0.03438 399 248 107 44
203 Your Honor, my client made it very clear that if anyone went down to the woods on the day in question, they’d be in for a big surprise. 1.4881 0.03532 379 236 101 42
204 Judge, will you please instruct the witness that "being a bear of very little brain" is not a valid alibi. 1.4872 0.03420 390 240 110 40
205 Can you tell the court how you felt when the defendant left you on the train? 1.4868 0.03525 380 237 101 42
206 Your Honor, I think we can both agree that Donald Trump can’t send in a substitute for questioning. 1.4861 0.03541 397 253 95 49
207 He’s suing for being pulled out of retirement by his former owner who moved home during the pandemic 1.4860 0.03372 393 248 102 43
208 I ask you again, under oath: have you ever shared a bed with a minor? 1.4849 0.03631 365 230 93 42
209 Objection sustained. You may not hug the witness. 1.4842 0.03505 380 237 102 41
210 Would I be right to assume that this is your first time in Family Court, counselor? 1.4832 0.03641 358 225 93 40
211 So you admit you stole the hearts of children everywhere? 1.4831 0.03546 356 219 102 35
212 Please just answer the question: Did you or did you not sleep with a minor? 1.4830 0.03562 383 243 95 45
213 So when, exactly, did the teddybears have their picnic? 1.4826 0.03593 373 236 94 43
214 We've got a fur sample match, so stop playing cute with me. 1.4821 0.03582 363 227 97 39
215 And yet we've heard a dozen witnesses who swear you DID go down to the woods that day. 1.4821 0.03645 363 230 91 42
216 Your Honor, it seems the witness could use a hug. 1.4812 0.03435 372 228 109 35
217 Isn't it true, Mr. Bear, that you've been sleeping with the defendant for years? 1.4809 0.03540 366 228 100 38
218 Your Honor, the witness has known the defendant since he was born. 1.4808 0.03489 364 224 105 35
219 If the honey was licked, you must convict. 1.4801 0.03746 327 204 89 34
220 He claims that the honey in his possession was being held for someone else. 1.4801 0.03506 352 215 105 32
221 So when did you first learn that Downy causes cancer? 1.4800 0.03635 350 219 94 37
222 I told you it was a material witness. 1.4797 0.03611 344 213 97 34
223 Was the cuddling consensual? 1.4790 0.03538 357 221 101 35
224 Please describe the unwanted touching and hugging that you had to endure. 1.4789 0.03727 355 228 84 43
225 'the defendant apparently needs it for watching the election results your honour' 1.4784 0.03634 347 217 94 36
226 Stonewall all you want, but Piglet and Eeyore already rolled over on you." 1.4781 0.03688 343 216 90 37
227 I’m sorry but in this Court, we don’t let Sleepy Bears lie. 1.4781 0.03711 343 217 88 38
228 And how long have you been sleeping with the defendant? 1.4776 0.03681 335 209 92 34
229 Instruct your witness to stop playing cute or I will clear the courtroom! 1.4775 0.03611 356 224 94 38
230 Your Honor, permission to approach the witness and give him a big hug? 1.4773 0.03585 352 222 93 37
231 I think it's about time we put this case to bed. 1.4760 0.03902 334 218 73 43
232 Do you also deny the Pope is Catholic? 1.4750 0.03957 320 208 72 40
233 Permission to treat him as a tactile witness, Your Honor. 1.4747 0.06633 99 61 29 9
234 I know this is difficult Teddy, and we are almost finished. Can you tell us if the dog who humped your face is in the courtroom. 1.4740 0.03698 346 228 75 43
235 Permission to approach the witness and pull his ring, Your Honor. 1.4740 0.03595 346 216 96 34
236 Your honor, that is the second time that he has answered my question with "tickle me." Permission to treat him as a hostile witness. 1.4732 0.03473 336 208 99 29
237 Permission to cuddle the witness your honor? 1.4731 0.03611 353 223 93 37
238 Your Honor, I move to strike 'cuddly wuddly widdle bear' from the record. 1.4728 0.03595 349 219 95 35
239 The witness is well qualified, Your Honor. He is smarter than the average bear. 1.4722 0.03719 324 203 89 32
240 Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, does this look like the face of a killer? 1.4720 0.03672 339 214 90 35
241 She ate my porridge, broke my chair, and was sleeping in my bed, so yes, I was very angry, but when I last saw her she was very much alive and running away through the woods.” #bearingwitnes 1.4720 0.03742 339 217 84 38
242 And can you testify as to how many times Sally’s mother threw you in the washing machine? 1.4715 0.03596 333 206 97 30
243 I don't know how they do it where you're from, but in New York there is no right to arm bears. 1.4711 0.03571 346 216 97 33
244 And then she ate my food ....broke my chair! And was sleeping in my bed! 1.4711 0.03583 346 219 92 35
245 Your Honor, permission to hug the witness? 1.4709 0.03633 344 217 92 35
246 I'm sorry Your Honor, he was a lot more talkative in bed last night. 1.4708 0.03685 325 203 91 31
247 Please explain to the jury what you were doing in the woods. 1.4706 0.03675 323 201 92 30
248 So what did you do when you saw the blond lady in your bed? 1.4706 0.03687 340 216 88 36
249 Your honor, we now ask that the defendant try on the blankie. 1.4701 0.03487 334 203 105 26
250 Your honor, may we stipulate that the witness is “adorable.” 1.4697 0.03593 330 204 97 29
251 Your Honor, the witness is toying with me. 1.4697 0.03695 330 208 89 33
252 Yes or no? Are you part of the sleeper cell? 1.4695 0.03664 311 191 94 26
253 Did you or did you not shit in the woods? 1.4689 0.03937 322 211 71 40
254 So that’s your story? That you were on the pillow the whole night? 1.4686 0.03795 318 202 83 33
255 OK! OK! I admit it! I did it! The deal was only for 4 years. He kept squeezing me so tightly and his orange makeup kept rubbing off on me, and then he started taking me to his rallies and he'd make me hide under the podium... it just got to be too much. I couldn't take it anymore! 1.4681 0.03874 329 215 74 40
256 My client was held against his will 1.4680 0.03724 297 182 91 24
257 This witness doesn’t know pooh. 1.4678 0.03981 295 189 74 32
258 And that's when little Donald forged your signature on the non-disclosure agreement? 1.4677 0.03839 310 197 81 32
259 The prosecution asks that the witness be considered ‘adorable.’ 1.4665 0.03659 328 206 91 31
260 Your Honor, the defense requests a recess-followed by a nap and a snack. 1.4665 0.03735 328 209 85 34
261 Can you prove you are an Emotional Support Animal? 1.4658 0.03629 322 200 94 28
262 Porridge gone, chair broken, the defendant asleep in your bed - I’ve never heard such a fairy tale. 1.4654 0.03742 318 201 86 31
263 Please explain to the court how you came to be a registered voter in the recent election. 1.4651 0.03865 301 191 80 30
264 Please tell us the real purpose of the so-called 'picnic' in the woods that day. 1.4648 0.05534 142 89 40 13
265 What do you mean “so help me Pooh?” 1.4643 0.03801 308 195 83 30
266 You expect the jury to believe you were unloved? 1.4618 0.03466 314 194 97 23
267 Your Honor, let the record show that Mr. Wuzzy is not, in fact, fuzzy at all. 1.4600 0.03635 300 184 94 22
268 Your Honor, there’s been some confusion about the right to bear arms. 1.4595 0.03881 296 189 78 29
269 And you say the defendant "beat the stuffings out of" you? 1.4585 0.03687 301 187 90 24
270 That's when he told me "snitches get stitches!" 1.4585 0.03891 301 194 76 31
271 Let me emphasize that it was NOT the defendant, but his Mother who locked you in the trunk in the attic. 1.4582 0.03823 299 190 81 28
272 He squashed me into a box this wide. Twelve years of darkness. It was unbearable. 1.4576 0.03890 295 189 77 29
273 The defense would like to rest, Your Honor. 1.4576 0.03919 295 190 75 30
274 Is it true that you falsely advertised yourself as ‘fuzzy wuzzy’ when you, in fact, had no hair? 1.4575 0.03703 306 192 88 26
275 Warm and cuddly, yes; but, also dangerous, scheming, and remorseless sociopath. 1.4567 0.03929 300 195 73 32
276 Your Honor, this witness is compromised, I saw the defendant hugging him. 1.4567 0.03813 300 191 81 28
277 Yes, your honor -- an immediate restraining order against the family dog. 1.4567 0.03813 300 191 81 28
278 Is the person you found sleeping in your bed here in the courtroom today? 1.4567 0.03842 300 192 79 29
279 Your Honor, the defendant feels the overlarge chair is a deliberate attempt at intimidation. 1.4567 0.03509 300 181 101 18
280 Everything about that night was fuzzy. 1.4561 0.03790 296 187 83 26
281 Being named after a President does not give you executive privilege. 1.4556 0.04013 270 172 73 25
282 My client seeks emancipation from his duties as "Emotional Support Bear" 1.4555 0.03857 292 186 79 27
283 Excuse my client, Your Honor. He just got out of a tumble dryer and is extremely shaken. 1.4552 0.03784 268 164 86 18
284 Your honor, this false bear witness is clearly bearing false witness. 1.4552 0.03953 279 178 75 26
285 And is it not true that you slept with the defendant on numerous occasions? 1.4545 0.03851 286 181 80 25
286 Your Honor, my client, pleads, 'self defense'. The defendant has repeatedly used a choke hold for transportation, and kept him lodged between the bed and wall for weeks. 1.4545 0.03840 297 190 79 28
287 Are you asking this court to believe you did not go to bed with him that night? 1.4542 0.03822 284 181 78 25
288 What is this? A New Yorker cartoon? 1.4539 0.03996 293 192 69 32
289 Tell the Court why, on that day of all days, you elected not to attend the picnic? 1.4539 0.03967 293 191 71 31
290 ... and that’s when Donald threw me out of the pram your Honor. 1.4539 0.04025 293 193 67 33
291 According to the second amendment, this bear's right to arms is clear as day. 1.4530 0.04031 298 198 65 35
292 Just the bear facts, your Honour 1.4530 0.04027 287 188 68 31
293 Counsel, stop toying with the witness. 1.4530 0.03935 287 185 74 28
294 Define consensual 1.4530 0.03997 287 187 70 30
295 Your Honor, this witness is just toying with us. 1.4520 0.03766 281 175 85 21
296 My client requests a three month hibernation recess. 1.4520 0.03899 281 179 77 25
297 Your Honor, I apologize, our key witness is still at recess. 1.4520 0.03947 281 183 70 28
298 The witness stated the defendant was not present during nap time.” 1.4510 0.03753 286 179 85 22
299 Where were you the nighty night of the murder? 1.4510 0.03944 286 185 73 28
300 Apparently, your honor, the defense is resting. 1.4510 0.03850 286 182 79 25
301 With all due respect your honor, how much can a teddy bear? 1.4496 0.03928 278 178 75 25
302 And once your owner threw you into the washing machine, then what happened? 1.4491 0.03826 285 181 80 24
303 Is it your testimony, Mr. Fuzzy Wuzzy, that Barbie was already nude and decapitated at the time you came to share a bed with her? 1.4489 0.04229 274 184 57 33
304 Yes, we have been sleeping together 1.4489 0.03761 274 170 85 19
305 Please tell the court about the multiple times he's forgotten you in the grocery store cart. 1.4484 0.03662 281 173 90 18
306 Now, you claim to have been in bed on the night in question. 1.4484 0.03798 281 182 74 25
307 This bear may look innocent but it was stuffed with nearly 17,000 fraudulent ballots, your honor. 1.4483 0.04180 261 171 63 27
308 We are not contesting your right to bear arms.... 1.4480 0.04014 279 182 69 28
309 Of course he's prepared to bear witness! 1.4480 0.03884 279 178 77 24
310 Please point to the girl you found in your bed 1.4480 0.03783 279 175 83 21
311 Did you or did you not attend said picnic? 1.4477 0.03903 277 177 76 24
312 Counselor, I’ll allow it. You may hug the witness. 1.4477 0.04035 277 181 68 28
313 The woman was blonde and she likes porridge. 1.4476 0.03784 286 181 82 23
314 Your honor, I've slept with this witness. 1.4474 0.03946 266 169 75 22
315 Your honour, how much can a teddy bear? 1.4474 0.04190 266 176 61 29
316 Permission to treat the witness as adorably hostile. 1.4473 0.03821 275 173 81 21
317 Don't act so innocent. Please tell the court exactly what happens at this so-called, 'Teddy Bear's Picnic.' 1.4468 0.04077 282 187 64 31
318 In your own testimony you admit that he had no hair, so I put it to you now, sir: Fuzzy Wuzzy wasn't fuzzy, was he? 1.4461 0.03985 269 173 72 24
319 To be fair, his brother did look a lot like the chew toy. 1.4457 0.03826 267 172 73 22
320 The jury is instructed to disregard the cuteness of this witness. 1.4457 0.03826 267 167 81 19
321 Mr Wuzzy, we can all agree you are a bear, and have no hair. So I ask again, how can you still call yourself Fuzzy 1.4457 0.04041 267 173 69 25
322 With your permission, I'd like to pull the string on his back. 1.4457 0.03845 276 175 79 22
323 Why does it matter what I do in the woods? 1.4457 0.04077 276 182 65 29
324 Objection, your Honor, the President had specifically requested a Kangaroo court. 1.4457 0.04236 276 187 55 34
325 Well, to you it may have been a picnic in the woods, but to my client it was a traumatic experience. 1.4453 0.03933 274 176 74 24
326 When I said 'Bear Witness', I didn't mean it in the literal sense. 1.4453 0.04164 274 183 60 31
327 Mr. Bear, is it your testimony that you spent the whole night in question with the accused?? 1.4449 0.03918 272 174 75 23
328 There is no murder weapon Your Honor. We believe the defendant used his bear hands. 1.4449 0.04021 272 177 69 26
329 Let the record show, Fuzzy Wuzzy was a bear. 1.4444 0.03796 270 169 82 19
330 If I may, your Honor, pulling the ring on the witness' back will be most informative. 1.4432 0.04108 264 173 65 26
331 His memory is a bit fuzzy. 1.4427 0.04086 253 163 68 22
332 For the record, Fuzzy Wuzzy, you're saying you did indeed engage in hanky panky with Henny Penny at Piggly Wiggly as alleged? 1.4423 0.04153 260 171 63 26
333 And how did you come to realize that someone had been eating your porridge? 1.4422 0.03950 251 158 75 18
334 Tell the jury,what did this young female, whom you have described as having “golden locks of hair”, do next? 1.4419 0.03861 267 169 78 20
335 Make up your mind. Was it too hot or too cold? 1.4414 0.04126 256 167 65 24
336 Your Honor, my client claims that the body cavity search was illegal, and he had no knowledge of the 2 kilos he was carrying. 1.4409 0.04035 254 163 70 21
337 Permission to treat the witness as docile? 1.4409 0.04073 254 164 68 22
338 Teddy bear or not, a picnic on city property requires a permit. 1.4406 0.04105 261 171 65 25
339 And how many stitches did you receive after having the stuffing knocked out of you? 1.4406 0.03921 261 166 75 20
340 And just how long have you been sleeping with the defendant? 1.4402 0.04017 259 167 70 22
341 So, Fuzzy Wuzzy wasn't fuzzy . . .was he? 1.4402 0.04054 259 168 68 23
342 Your honor, my client is totally innocent and was asleep upstairs when Goldilocks broke in. 1.4402 0.04235 259 173 58 28
343 This might be a sensitive question: “Do you believe the ballot boxes were stuffed?” 1.4400 0.04196 250 164 62 24
344 And isn’t it true that my client threatened to, but in fact DID NOT, knock the stuffing out of you. 1.4387 0.03966 253 161 73 19
345 In keeping with proper courtroom decorum, please address the witness as 'Mr. Roosevelt'. 1.4385 0.04042 260 169 68 23
346 So you were at the teddy bear picnic, with every bear that ever there was.. but yet no witnesses. 1.4385 0.04186 260 173 60 27
347 Let’s get this straight. You say you saw a little girl sleeping in your bed? 1.4380 0.04101 258 169 65 24
348 Let the record show, Fuzzy Wuzzy had no hair. 1.4380 0.04174 258 171 61 26
349 Do you see this "Goldilocks" you found sleeping in your bed in the courtroom today? 1.4380 0.04027 258 167 69 22
350 This is your witness to voter fraud? 1.4378 0.04188 249 166 58 25
351 Counsel may now call her imaginary friend 1.4375 0.04011 256 165 70 21
352 Answer the question! Isn't it true you were sleeping together? 1.4370 0.03954 254 162 73 19
353 Your Honor, my client's pre-existing condition should be covered under the provisions of the Affordable Bear Act. 1.4370 0.04258 254 170 57 27
354 Counsel, stop asking the witness if he's toying with you. 1.4365 0.04245 252 168 58 26
355 Your honor, permission to cuddle with the witness? 1.4365 0.03976 252 161 72 19
356 Respectfully,Your Honor,he prefers "Theodore." 1.4365 0.04170 252 166 62 24
357 And who were you cuddling with that night, Mr. Bear? 1.4363 0.03863 259 164 77 18
358 And so the jury is supposed to believe that at the age of eight, Billy just abandoned you? 1.4358 0.04184 257 171 60 26
359 Your Honor, I believe we need to pull the string again. 1.4355 0.04256 248 165 58 25
360 But, your honor, the entire jury has slept with this witness. 1.4355 0.04218 248 164 60 24
361 As the presidents key witness, ... 1.4355 0.04294 248 166 56 26
362 It was the chubby one with the orange face and the comb-over. 1.4351 0.04299 262 179 52 31
363 You may now cross-hug the witness. 1.4350 0.04688 246 175 35 36
364 Let the record show that the witness loves Billy this much. 1.4350 0.04123 246 160 65 21
365 Is that dog in the courtroom now? 1.4350 0.04242 246 163 59 24
366 He's just toying with us, your honor 1.4350 0.04123 246 160 65 21
367 Can I please hold him in contempt? 1.4346 0.04017 237 150 71 16
368 and where do you plan to live, if your emancipation request is granted? 1.4344 0.04064 244 157 68 19
369 Well, you can sit there and throw your hands up, Mr. Bear, but it's already been established that you were in the bedroom that night and know everything that went on there. 1.4343 0.04104 251 164 65 22
370 I was in the dryer, so how could I have heard anything? 1.4343 0.04025 251 162 69 20
371 Request permission to pull the cord in his back. 1.4343 0.04065 251 163 67 21
372 But your honor, they put the squeeze on him! 1.4341 0.03910 258 165 74 19
373 The witness will not require a lunch break because he’s already stuffed. 1.4339 0.04045 242 155 69 18
374 So, you admit to being part of an undercover snuggling operation. 1.4337 0.04166 249 164 62 23
375 Your honor, this lone witness to the ballot tampering in the Pennsylvania post office proves voter fraud 1.4337 0.04429 249 171 48 30
376 Where were you on the night Timmy couldn't sleep? 1.4335 0.04241 233 152 61 20
377 Brown Bear, Brown Bear, what did you see? 1.4332 0.04344 247 167 53 27
378 So none of the cuddles were consensual? 1.4331 0.03952 254 163 72 19
379 But tufts of your fur were found on the blankie. 1.4331 0.03952 254 163 72 19
380 Your Honour, may we stand down? The Witness has just been fired by the Administration. 1.4328 0.04504 238 163 47 28
381 And where were you on the night of the Teddy Bears’ Picnic? 1.4321 0.04198 243 160 61 22
382 How long have you been sleeping with the plaintiff? 1.4320 0.03914 250 159 74 17
383 And then she ate up all of your porridge? 1.4317 0.04181 227 146 64 17
384 How much can a Teddy bear!? 1.4316 0.04270 234 154 59 21
385 Admit it. You've slept with him, too. 1.4315 0.04098 241 156 66 19
386 My client requests a three-month recess. He has to hibernate. 1.4315 0.04181 241 158 62 21
387 He'll swear on an an FAO Schwartz catalogue. 1.4315 0.04181 241 158 62 21
388 But I didn’t KNOW I was a nanny cam! 1.4310 0.04329 239 160 55 24
389 Where were you on the nighty-night of the 23rd? 1.4303 0.04225 244 162 59 23
390 She told me that she loved me this much. And then she put me into the trash. 1.4303 0.04140 251 166 62 23
391 Hands DOWN! Didn't I tell you that makes you look guilty? 1.4292 0.03890 240 151 75 14
392 The witness may approach the bench...for a cuddle. 1.4286 0.04694 238 169 36 33
393 We just need you to raise your right hand, sir. 1.4286 0.04174 238 156 62 20
394 So how many were there at this 'picnic' ? 1.4286 0.04217 238 157 60 21
395 Isn’t it true to say you’ve led a very plush life ? “ 1.4280 0.04112 236 153 65 18
396 And are you saying you've never heard of this 'Christopher Robin' until today? 1.4274 0.04046 234 150 68 16
397 Your honor, someone is committing perjury - how could it have been too big, too small, AND just right? 1.4273 0.04171 220 141 64 15
398 And how did you feel when Mom put you in the wash? 1.4273 0.04318 220 144 58 18
399 I’ve slept in so many beds, you’ll have to be more specific. 1.4267 0.04336 232 155 55 22
400 You say you left the restaurant early because you were stuffed? 1.4267 0.04160 232 151 63 18
401 Were you or were you not, cute and cuddly on the evening of October 8, 2020? 1.4267 0.04342 225 149 56 20
402 May I approach the stand and poke the bear, your honor? 1.4267 0.03960 225 146 64 15
403 You say you were snuggling with the defendant at the time of the incident? 1.4262 0.04010 237 152 69 16
404 I can see your lips moving, Your Honor. 1.4262 0.04311 237 159 55 23
405 And just where were you on the nighty-night of June 15th? 1.4261 0.04047 230 147 68 15
406 Don't be fooled, your Honor. Our "Teddy Boy" has been stealing Tooth Fairy money for years. 1.4261 0.04319 230 153 56 21
407 Bear: "Do you really think I stuffed MYSELF with cocaine?" 1.4255 0.04337 235 158 54 23
408 Your Honor, I would like to call the Velvetine Rabbit as a character witness. 1.4255 0.04210 235 155 60 20
409 The nanny cam footage shows you stealing the quarter left by the Tooth Fairy. Do you deny it? 1.4255 0.04337 235 158 54 23
410 Sir, you really want us to believe that you don't remember anything from December to March? Were you living in a cave? 1.4254 0.04345 228 152 55 21
411 Please keep your testimony to the bear facts. 1.4253 0.04397 221 147 54 20
412 Your Honor, let the record reflect I said “witness pampering. 1.4247 0.04232 219 142 61 16
413 Well, at least this isn’t a kangaroo court. 1.4242 0.04125 231 150 64 17
414 Your Honor, I request a continuance on the grounds that we've gone past naptime and the witness is exhausted. 1.4242 0.04125 231 150 64 17
415 And yet you went to bed with him willingly....EVERY NIGHT! Isn't that right 1.4242 0.04260 231 153 58 20
416 So it would be fair to say that Fuzzy Wuzzy wasn’t very fuzzy, was he? 1.4242 0.04216 231 152 60 19
417 Your Honor, I think we have established that the witness has been sleeping with the defendant since birth 1.4240 0.04502 217 146 50 21
418 And how often does she make you sit on her lap? 1.4236 0.04241 229 151 59 19
419 If you hope to make it to that picnic, you better start talking. 1.4236 0.04103 229 148 65 16
420 He speaks for the Silent Majority. 1.4236 0.04196 229 150 61 18
421 This is not what I meant by 'bear witness.' 1.4233 0.04285 215 140 59 16
422 That big? I remind you, you're under oath. 1.4231 0.04306 234 157 55 22
423 I said: 'Raise your right hand.' 1.4229 0.04357 227 152 54 21
424 My client says that the honey jar was already empty when he entered the kitchen. 1.4229 0.04032 227 145 68 14
425 It's a teddy bear, Justice Barrett. 1.4225 0.04562 213 144 48 21
426 Isn't it true that Fuzzy Wuzzy WASN'T very fuzzy? Was he? 1.4224 0.04157 232 152 62 18
427 Counselor, overruled. This witness has a right to bear arms. 1.4224 0.04201 232 153 60 19
428 When you went down in the woods that day, were you or were you not in for a big surprise? 1.4222 0.04385 225 151 53 21
429 Thus, I conclude that this entire testimony is imaginary and should be discarded. 1.4218 0.04127 211 134 65 12
430 Did you or did you not push Barbie off the shelf? 1.4217 0.04316 230 154 55 21
431 He doesn't look like a hostile witness 1.4217 0.04136 230 150 63 17
432 The defense rests, but can’t sleep without her teddy bear. 1.4217 0.04227 230 152 59 19
433 Isn't it true that your relationship with the defendant changed after you were thrown into the washing machine? 1.4215 0.04225 223 146 60 17
434 Allow us to understand. Your alibi is that a toy cowboy, astronaut, and dinosaur somehow came to life and committed the crime? Seriously? 1.4215 0.04273 223 147 58 18
435 And you just sat there and watched it all happen? 1.4215 0.04273 223 147 58 18
436 Let it be noted, your Honor, that the witness wishes to be addressed as Theodore, not Teddy. 1.4215 0.04273 223 147 58 18
437 Your Honor, I assert that the witness could not have positively identified the fleeing trespasser as Goldilocks, because his button eyes- while admittedly cute - are merely decorative. 1.4213 0.04467 216 145 51 20
438 Your honor, this witness slept with one of the jurors... 1.4211 0.04180 209 136 59 14
439 Can you tell me exactly how much porridge the defendant ate? 1.4211 0.04066 228 147 66 15
440 You may not like the material of the witness, but it is a material witness nonetheless. Counsel may proceed. 1.4208 0.04251 221 145 59 17
441 Now, when you say you two slept together, could you be more specific for the jury? 1.4208 0.04251 221 145 59 17
442 .....And is the person you saw asleep in your bed in the court room today? 1.4206 0.04007 233 150 68 15
443 The defense would like to take a ten minute nap with the witness. 1.4206 0.04245 214 139 60 15
444 Bear with me, Your Honor. 1.4204 0.04369 226 152 53 21
445 If the chair doesn't fit, you must acquit. 1.4204 0.04546 226 156 45 25
446 Besides the gold locks — how else would you describe the intruder ? 1.4196 0.04210 224 147 60 17
447 The state asks that the defendant be held in contempt and cuddled. 1.4194 0.04774 217 153 37 27
448 '"In my client's defense, Your Honor: ' Toys Will Be Toys.' " 1.4190 0.04352 210 138 56 16
449 Mr. Bear, Isn't it true that you sleep with underage children? 1.4189 0.04378 222 149 53 20
450 And when did the accused first put you through the laundry? 1.4186 0.04281 215 141 58 16
451 And exactly how long were you and the victim sleeping together? 1.4182 0.04262 220 145 58 17
452 And Teddy is not even his real name your Honor. 1.4182 0.04213 220 144 60 16
453 Isn't it true you were sleeping with the plaintiff on the night in question? 1.4178 0.04097 213 136 65 12
454 OK Mr. Ted Paddington Berenstein of Vermont, if that is your real name. 1.4178 0.04256 213 139 59 15
455 And what did the defendant do after threatening to "beat the stuffin' out of you"? 1.4174 0.04189 218 142 61 15
456 You sir are a bear-faced liar. 1.4174 0.04338 218 145 55 18
457 The doll already confessed, make this easier on yourself 1.4171 0.04336 211 139 56 16
458 So you’re sticking with your alibi that you were picnicking in the woods. 1.4167 0.04163 216 140 62 14
459 Were you or were you not a partner of Stearns in 2008? 1.4167 0.04558 216 148 46 22
460 What about the rumors that you slept with the perpetrator? 1.4159 0.04292 214 141 57 16
461 Objection, bearsay 1.4159 0.04292 214 141 57 16
462 Eplain how you arrived from darkest Peru with only a letter and no passport. 1.4155 0.04322 219 146 55 18
463 And when did you last see the rubber duckie? 1.4155 0.04445 207 138 52 17
464 Let the record show that Teddy wasn't anywhere near that picnic. 1.4155 0.04498 207 139 50 18
465 Your honor, I move that we break for a nap. 1.4147 0.04300 217 144 56 17
466 Please just stick to the bear facts. 1.4147 0.04634 217 151 42 24
467 Your Honor, permission to treat the defendant as adorable? 1.4146 0.04312 205 134 57 14
468 Your honor, my client has seen many things that he can't unsee. 1.4143 0.04160 210 138 58 14
469 How many years have you been serving the President? 1.4143 0.04700 210 146 41 23
470 Please describe where the defendant tickled you. 1.4138 0.04613 203 138 46 19
471 Don’t let his soft and cuddly looks fool you, your honor 1.4138 0.04340 203 133 56 14
472 Yes, I suppose it is impressive you’re a doctor, but you still need to wear pants in court.. 1.4135 0.04376 208 138 54 16
473 His lips appear to be sealed. 1.4131 0.04406 213 143 52 18
474 Your Honor, as my next witness I'd like to call the child's blanket. 1.4131 0.04355 213 142 54 17
475 Let the record reflect that the witness has been sleeping with the defendant. 1.4129 0.04591 201 136 47 18
476 And the nanny-cam was inserted where? 1.4128 0.04430 218 148 50 20
477 You know that's a bear-faced LIE! 1.4126 0.04323 206 138 52 16
478 Of course I could use a hug. 1.4123 0.04730 211 148 39 24
479 When were you last in bed with the suspect? 1.4123 0.04172 211 137 61 13
480 Let the record show that, in fact, fuzzy wuzzy wasn’t fuzzy, was he. 1.4123 0.04535 211 144 47 20
481 Permission to treat the witness as warm and snuggly? 1.4123 0.04485 211 143 49 19
482 Permission to press the witness for a response. 1.4118 0.04541 204 138 48 18
483 No last name, just Teddy. 1.4118 0.04267 204 133 58 13
484 Where did the child touch you? 1.4115 0.04566 209 143 46 20
485 So you are saying that instead of your Miranda Rights they read you Goodnight Moon? 1.4115 0.04515 209 142 48 19
486 This witness has been seen cozying up to the defendant on multiple occasions. 1.4106 0.04054 207 132 65 10
487 If it pleases the Court, Your Honor, I'd like to give the witness a hug. 1.4106 0.04493 207 140 49 18
488 Permission to sleep with the witness, your honor. 1.4100 0.04712 200 138 42 20
489 Did you or did you not sleep with the defendant? 1.4098 0.04471 205 138 50 17
490 May the record reflect the witness is hostile, albeit cuddly and cute. 1.4098 0.04251 205 134 58 13
491 So, your testimony is that EVERY bear that ever there was had gathered there for certain because “that’s the way the teddy bears have their picnic?” 1.4095 0.04395 210 141 52 17
492 Are you now or have you ever been part of the Hundred Acre Woods crew? 1.4091 0.04525 198 133 49 16
493 When did you stop sleeping with the defendant? 1.4091 0.04637 198 135 45 18
494 I can prove it, but I must be allowed to turn off the lights and have us all pretend to be asleep. 1.4091 0.04525 198 133 49 16
495 The oath is over; you can put your hands down. 1.4091 0.04468 198 132 51 15
496 Let me remind you counsel not to badger the bear. 1.4089 0.04221 203 132 59 12
497 So you lost custody of your child because his parents said he was too old for you? 1.4089 0.04104 203 130 63 10
498 The defendant claims the right to remain silent 1.4089 0.04163 203 131 61 11
499 Request permission to treat the witness as hostile. 1.4087 0.04579 208 143 45 20
500 My client has the right to remain silent. 1.4087 0.04528 208 142 47 19
501 How do you answer to the charge of providing comfort to the enemy? 1.4087 0.04153 208 135 61 12
502 So you’re telling me Fuzzy Wuzzy WAS a bear? 1.4084 0.04459 191 126 52 13
503 Before you pass sentence, your Honor, my client wishes to know if you'd like some cuddle time. 1.4082 0.04440 196 130 52 14
504 So when Goldilocks said your brother’s bed was ‘just right’ you felt disrespected? 1.4080 0.04129 201 129 62 10
505 Your Honor, please instruct the witness to answer my question of whether he was, or was not, at Pooh Corner on the night Mr. Robin went missing. 1.4080 0.04248 201 131 58 12
506 Did you or did you not tell the other teddy bears that you were the favorite? 1.4080 0.04640 201 138 44 19
507 I understand you are very close to the defendant. 1.4078 0.04291 206 136 56 14
508 I move that an hour is more than enough time to wait for a response. 1.4070 0.04335 199 131 55 13
509 Your honor, the witness has been sleeping with the defendant for years. 1.4069 0.04262 204 134 57 13
510 Your honor, this witness worked under covers! 1.4069 0.04537 204 139 47 18
511 I'm establishing that my client is affectionate with everybody. 1.4069 0.04590 204 140 45 19
512 Where were you the morning Flufferbunny was found on the sidewalk with a "Free!" sign around her neck? 1.4065 0.04580 214 149 43 22
513 You'll be hibernating a long time where you're going. 1.4062 0.04851 192 134 38 20
514 ... and for how long have you been cute and cuddly? 1.4061 0.04595 197 134 46 17
515 And what did you see at beddy bye on the nighty night in question? 1.4061 0.04538 197 133 48 16
516 Did you or did not make the clothing softer? 1.4059 0.04568 202 138 46 18
517 Permission to approach the witness and snuggle. 1.4059 0.04403 202 135 52 15
518 My client’s lips are sealed. 1.4059 0.04513 202 137 48 17
519 How can you be so sure it was "just right"? You weren't even in the cottage. 1.4053 0.04654 190 129 45 16
520 Your Honor, I request permission to treat this witness as cute and cuddly. 1.4053 0.04533 190 127 49 14
521 Your Honor. Please compel the witness to answer. Did he shit in the woods or not? 1.4051 0.04684 195 134 43 18
522 Mr. Pooh. Can you explain how your prints wound up on the hunny jar? 1.4050 0.04432 200 134 51 15
523 Let’s keep it to the bear facts, shall we? 1.4049 0.04357 205 137 53 15
524 I submit, Mr. Bear, that you were NOT in hibernation on the date in question! 1.4043 0.04565 188 126 48 14
525 Counselor,after each question you pull the cord on the back. 1.4040 0.04287 198 130 56 12
526 Your honor, we have just one question for the witness: Where is the blanky? 1.4040 0.04405 198 132 52 14
527 He wants to know if the court will recess for winter. 1.4040 0.04463 198 133 50 15
528 Show the court where they touched you. 1.4038 0.04574 208 144 44 20
529 My client offers no disrespect to the court, but maintains that she is honor-bound not to reveal where in the woods the picnic occurred. 1.4031 0.04810 191 133 39 19
530 So what you would have us believe is that the beloved family dog is actually a psychopathic murderer? 1.4031 0.04775 196 137 39 20
531 Your honor, I respect that he's your comfort animal, but we need the chair for witnesses. 1.4030 0.04635 201 139 43 19
532 He's testifying. You just have no imagination. 1.4030 0.04741 201 141 39 21
533 Frankly your honor, who the defendant sleeps with has little to do with this case 1.4030 0.04301 201 133 55 13
534 Your Honor should note that the witness is indicating ‘Sooo big!’ 1.4022 0.04632 184 124 46 14
535 ...and then he just THREW me out of the pram, your honour. 1.4022 0.04368 184 120 54 10
536 The prosecution rests--preferably with the witness. 1.4021 0.04357 189 124 54 11
537 Teddy, would you say he confided more in you or in his blanky? 1.4021 0.04357 189 124 54 11
538 Just answer the question... Does a bear shit in the woods. 1.4021 0.04787 189 131 40 18
539 I maintain you have no right to American jurisprudence because your tag says “Made in China.” 1.4021 0.04641 194 133 44 17
540 Give me a moment, your honor, I'm trying to Build-A-Case. 1.4011 0.04731 182 124 43 15
541 Overruled. The witness may squeak. 1.4011 0.04386 187 123 53 11
542 Don't get cute with me, Mr. 1.4010 0.04435 192 128 51 13
543 Yes, it’s abuse! She goes from hugging me till I can’t breathe to bashing my head on the table in seconds! 1.4010 0.04615 192 131 45 16
544 And you say you were never at said picnic 1.4010 0.04789 192 134 39 19
545 So, Theodore, is it? Please point to the person you witnessed stealing the covers. 1.4010 0.04532 197 134 47 16
546 Bear with me, Your Honor, this witness has done a lot of undercover work. 1.4010 0.04475 197 133 49 15
547 And after he threatened to beat the stuffing out of you...? 1.4000 0.04465 190 127 50 13
548 And is it your testimony that you were the victim of a Honey Trap? 1.4000 0.04548 185 124 48 13
549 And what did the president tell you late at night? 1.4000 0.04675 185 126 44 15
550 You say the whole porridge thing is being overblown? 1.4000 0.04483 185 123 50 12
551 Is it true, sir, that you failed to provide comfort and companionship to the plaintiff, otherwise known as Billy? 1.4000 0.04548 185 124 48 13
552 And who's been sitting in your chair? 1.4000 0.04506 195 132 48 15
553 So you're suing her boyfriend for alienation of affection? 1.3990 0.04340 198 132 53 13
554 Did you really think it was just a picnic? 1.3990 0.04769 193 135 39 19
555 Can the defendant, please explain, why he went over the mountain, and what did he expect to see? 1.3990 0.04655 193 133 43 17
556 Your Honor, bear with me. 1.3989 0.04682 188 129 43 16
557 Piglet took the Fifth, but I'm betting Tigger will talk. 1.3989 0.04621 188 128 45 15
558 Does the court have any interpreters under the age of 7? 1.3989 0.04621 188 128 45 15
559 And you want the court to believe that you could identify my client across a large field on a dark night with nothing but buttons for eyes? 1.3989 0.04802 188 131 39 18
560 Is it your testimony that you allowed the snuggling to occur? 1.3989 0.04496 188 126 49 13
561 What makes you think she was just toying with you? 1.3989 0.04496 188 126 49 13
562 You’re a bear-faced liar, Teddy, aren’t you? 1.3989 0.04743 188 130 41 17
563 Your Honor, I submit that NOT every bear that ever there was attended the picnic that day. Isn't that true, Teddy? 1.3989 0.04496 188 126 49 13
564 Can you show us where he touched you? 1.3980 0.04429 196 132 50 14
565 Can you imagine how adorable he'll look in a little orange jumpsuit? 1.3979 0.04569 191 130 46 15
566 So, you and the small pig never actually saw this Heffalump? 1.3979 0.04747 191 133 40 18
567 Don't toy with me! 1.3979 0.04569 191 130 46 15
568 I kept telling Mr. Trump no means no, but he didn’t stop. 1.3979 0.04629 191 131 44 16
569 My lips are sealed. 1.3968 0.04540 189 128 47 14
570 So is it your testimony that the porridge was neither too hot nor too cold? 1.3968 0.04083 189 121 61 7
571 Your honor, permission to treat this witness as textile? 1.3968 0.04478 189 127 49 13
572 What do you mean you don't know who ate the porridge? 1.3968 0.04602 189 129 45 15
573 Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, so help you, God, are you cute... 1.3966 0.04781 179 123 41 15
574 I told you to find someone to bear witness, not to get a "bear" witness. 1.3966 0.04648 179 121 45 13
575 Can the defense explain to me, how Mr. Eric Trump will use his ‘teddy’ as a character witness? 1.3966 0.04614 179 123 42 14
576 Does that mean you don't know, or do you just need a hug? Remember, you're under oath. 1.3957 0.04380 187 124 52 11
577 Your honor, my client will not be able to sleep without a blanket search warrant as well. 1.3956 0.04527 182 122 48 12
578 Permission to toy with the witness. 1.3947 0.04521 190 129 47 14
579 The witness claims to have been tucked up in bed with the accused at the time of the murder. 1.3947 0.04396 190 127 51 12
580 Sir, you only need to raise your right hand. 1.3946 0.04541 185 125 47 13
581 The defense calls Christopher Robin, your honor! 1.3944 0.04627 180 122 45 13
582 That was when she put me in the box in the attic... The day after she received a smart phone. 1.3944 0.04760 180 124 41 15
583 And you say you were with the defendant for the entire night? 1.3944 0.04560 180 121 47 12
584 Of course I'm coddling the witness... 1.3943 0.04577 175 117 47 11
585 Your Honor, the Defense asks that you allow Dr. Bear's testimony as an expert witness on early bonding... 1.3936 0.04676 188 130 42 16
586 After Susie chose Bunny and Baby Bear to sleep with, did you not fly into a jealous rage and try and bite all of them? 1.3936 0.04615 188 129 44 15
587 Hibernation is not an alibi. 1.3934 0.04639 183 125 44 14
588 I was framed! It wasn't me! It was Paddington! 1.3934 0.04574 183 124 46 13
589 The trump campaign rests your honor 1.3934 0.05012 183 131 32 20
590 If it pleases the court, I'd like a few moments to snuggle with my client. 1.3933 0.04524 178 119 48 11
591 So Mr Corduroy, you say it all started after losing a button? 1.3933 0.04729 178 122 42 14
592 Show us again how big your human was when he stopped playing with you. 1.3931 0.04310 173 112 54 7
593 My client has an alibi, Your Honor. That was the day of the picnic. 1.3927 0.04563 191 131 45 15
594 So you and Puff were the last ones to see little Jackie Paper alive then,right? 1.3925 0.06050 107 73 26 8
595 Testimonies of trumpy bears are no longer admissible 1.3925 0.04585 186 127 45 14
596 When pressed, he'll confess to everything. 1.3913 0.04554 184 125 46 13
597 To be clear, you’re saying you slept with the defendant for several years yet were never intimate with her? 1.3913 0.06550 92 63 22 7
598 Tell the court everything that happened at the picnic. 1.3913 0.04354 184 122 52 10
599 I move for a brief recess, your honor, as my client indicates he overdid lunch and is currently stuffed. 1.3911 0.04774 179 124 40 15
600 The witness has the right to remain silent. 1.3911 0.04641 179 122 44 13
601 Your Honour, my client requests an extended hibernation. 1.3911 0.04641 179 122 44 13
602 You think I'm hostile now, wait 'til you see me tonight. 1.3911 0.04774 179 124 40 15
603 What really goes on in the woods? It’s not just a picnic- is it?! 1.3911 0.04573 179 121 46 12
604 Until this very minute, my plan had been to badger the witness... 1.3908 0.04871 174 121 38 15
605 Your honor I object to this witness. This trial is about the second amendment, not a right to bear arms. 1.3905 0.04973 169 118 36 15
606 The White House claims this is their best witness. 1.3905 0.05181 169 121 30 18
607 You’re asking a soft witness some very hard questions. 1.3905 0.04902 169 117 38 14
608 So you registered to vote under the name Theodore Bear? 1.3905 0.04756 169 115 42 12
609 Teddy" is an alias 1.3901 0.04717 182 126 41 15
610 Teddy is an unreliable witness, he's sleeping with the accused. 1.3901 0.04520 182 123 47 12
611 And where were you when your porridge was stolen? 1.3901 0.04587 182 124 45 13
612 The defendant asks for recess. 1.3901 0.05208 141 96 35 10
613 So, is it true you're stuffed with shredded ballots? 1.3898 0.04811 177 123 39 15
614 No, I did not consent to cuddling 1.3898 0.04319 177 116 53 8
615 So at what age did they start neglecting you? 1.3898 0.04319 177 116 53 8
616 Objection, your Honor, this witness’ memory is clearly fuzzy. 1.3898 0.04536 177 119 47 11
617 The last thing I remember I was falling out of the stroller. 1.3895 0.04475 172 114 49 9
618 You are accused of committing security fraud. 1.3895 0.04840 172 119 39 14
619 And did you know the plantiff was only 3 when you went "night night" with her? 1.3886 0.04780 175 121 40 14
620 Only raise your right hand to swear in. 1.3882 0.04734 170 116 42 12
621 You were forced to sleep with the defendant against your will? 1.3876 0.04920 178 126 35 17
622 And when I pull your string again will I hear a different story? 1.3876 0.04722 178 123 41 14
623 Your honor, I would like permission to treat the witness as adorably hostile. 1.3876 0.04445 178 119 49 10
624 Your honor, I know he is a teddy bear but he was the only character witness we could find for Mr. Trump. 1.3876 0.04756 178 126 36 16
625 Your Honor, I’ll have to recuse myself. I used to share my bed with this witness. 1.3876 0.04654 178 122 43 13
626 And the officer said ‘arms behind your head!’, but I don’t have elbows! 1.3873 0.04379 173 114 51 8
627 You're saying you were only sleeping with the woman who robbed the bank? 1.3869 0.04695 168 114 43 11
628 Teddy, tell the court which child you would prefer to live with. 1.3869 0.04771 168 115 41 12
629 Do you have any other witnesses to prove voter fraud? 1.3869 0.04918 168 117 37 14
630 I object your honor. My client being a bear has no bearing on his ability to bear witness. 1.3869 0.04381 168 110 51 7
631 And which bowl of porridge was yours, the one that was too hot, too cold or just right? 1.3864 0.04477 176 118 48 10
632 So it turns out that fluffy wuffy wasn’t fluffy was he? 1.3864 0.04758 176 122 40 14
633 You were asked to bear witness, not have a bear witness! 1.3864 0.05024 176 126 32 18
634 But Your Honor, this *is* my first material witness." 1.3860 0.04638 171 116 44 11
635 She was smothering me all day everyday 1.3860 0.04926 171 120 36 15
636 Your Honor, I'll answer: Does a bear sit in a courtroom? 1.3860 0.04711 171 117 42 12
637 Your honor, I believe there is evidence of witness pampering on the part of the defendant. 1.3859 0.04801 184 130 37 17
638 Mr Bear,please describe for the court exactly what you witnessed at the Pennsylvania voting centre on the night of the 3rd of November? 1.3859 0.04801 184 130 37 17
639 And that's when my client had the stuffing beaten out of him. 1.3855 0.04808 166 114 40 12
640 Is it not true that you blatantly claimed that you would be as effective as a security blanket, yet you have no formal security experience? 1.3855 0.04633 179 123 43 13
641 Miss Goldilocks is lying. I wasn’t even at home when the porridge disappeared. 1.3855 0.04701 179 124 41 14
642 In your expert legal opinion does Goldilocks’s signature match the ballot in question? 1.3855 0.04633 179 123 43 13
643 Your Honor, while the witness may appear to be merely a chubby little cubby all stuffed with fluff, I assure you the testimony he is about to give is neither willy, nilly, nor silly. 1.3851 0.04725 174 120 41 13
644 And please indicate for the record where the defendant squeezed you. 1.3851 0.04725 174 120 41 13
645 Your honor, I'd like to request an hour recess for nap time. 1.3851 0.04582 174 118 45 11
646 And is Goldilocks, the girl who ate your porridge, in the courtroom today? 1.3851 0.04654 174 119 43 12
647 Just how big was this blond girl? 1.3850 0.04804 187 133 36 18
648 He's doing it again, look! He wants to hug me, and without a mask! 1.3846 0.04673 169 115 43 11
649 He's guilty of a fray but this is clearly a stitch-up 1.3846 0.04748 169 116 41 12
650 Do you mean to tell me you're just going to sit there and say nothing? 1.3846 0.04748 169 116 41 12
651 This witness is full of fabrications. 1.3846 0.04894 169 118 37 14
652 Your Honor, I intend to show that this Bear really didn't Care. 1.3846 0.04673 169 115 43 11
653 ...and you were expected to carry ALL of her emotional baggage because she hugged you? 1.3846 0.04673 169 115 43 11
654 If it please the court, permission to treat as machine washable? 1.3838 0.04527 185 127 45 13
655 Justice Goldilocks, something about this witness just isn’t right... 1.3837 0.04902 172 121 36 15
656 OK, I confess! I WAS thinking of saying 'I can't bear it anymore!' 1.3832 0.04860 167 116 38 13
657 Are you saying his vote doesn't matter? 1.3832 0.04785 167 115 40 12
658 Judge,it looks like my witness needs a hug. 1.3832 0.04632 167 113 44 10
659 So how do you explain being found in the plaintiff's bed? 1.3832 0.04309 167 109 52 6
660 I'll ask you again.Is it true that you moonlight as a nanny cam? 1.3832 0.04553 167 112 46 9
661 You have to pull the string to get testimony 1.3832 0.04860 167 116 38 13
662 Your honor, just throwing your arms up is not an answer to my question." 1.3829 0.04703 175 121 41 13
663 My client is requesting a recess. 1.3824 0.04537 170 117 42 11
664 Did you, or did you not, have your paw in the honey when the officers found you? 1.3824 0.04576 170 115 45 10
665 Is it fair to describe your relationship to the defendant as intimate? 1.3824 0.04576 170 115 45 10
666 So, you had your paw in the honey jar all along, didn't you? 1.3824 0.04941 170 120 35 15
667 And no Pooh-poohing. I expect a straight answer! 1.3824 0.04576 170 115 45 10
668 Your Honor, my client seeks redress from Defendant who, in an afternoon trespass, consumed his porridge, broke his chair and appropriated his bed. 1.3824 0.04499 170 114 47 9
669 Person. Woman. Bear. Camera. TV. 1.3824 0.05011 170 121 33 16
670 Your Honour, this might be an appropriate time to adjourn for a picnic. 1.3824 0.04651 170 116 43 11
671 Did you, or did you not, consume 300,000 ballots? 1.3819 0.05215 144 100 33 11
672 Well, I can't make him talk. Perhaps my granddaughter could persuade him 1.3818 0.04746 165 113 41 11
673 Permission to treat witness as cuddly, your Honor? 1.3818 0.04667 165 112 43 10
674 It was Goldilocks 1.3818 0.04746 165 113 41 11
675 You only have to raise your right hand... 1.3818 0.04899 165 115 37 13
676 She stole our porridge, your honor. 1.3818 0.04667 165 112 43 10
677 Well, was he?? . . . Your honor, please instruct Fuzzy Wuzzy to answer the question. 1.3813 0.04681 160 108 43 9
678 Can you point out the person in the courtroom that drooled all over your face? 1.3810 0.04762 168 116 40 12
679 Now show us, how big was the dog that chased you? 1.3810 0.04762 168 116 40 12
680 Yes! He is smarter than the average politician 1.3810 0.04909 168 118 36 14
681 I can't rest my case without him 1.3810 0.04532 168 113 46 9
682 I believe it’s relevant, your honor, to know just how long the witness has been sleeping with the defendant. 1.3810 0.04610 168 114 44 10
683 You've been accused of sleeping with my client 1.3810 0.04762 168 116 40 12
684 Move to strike, your honor. My client clearly doesn’t have a mean bone in his body. 1.3810 0.04686 168 115 42 11
685 Would your honor please direct the witness that the 2nd amendment is not about his arms. 1.3807 0.04750 176 123 39 14
686 My client feels that he was misled by the Witness Protection Program. 1.3804 0.04862 163 113 38 12
687 And is ‘transitional object’ your sole occupation? 1.3804 0.04783 163 112 40 11
688 May I remind you, Mr. Pooh, that you are under oath. Would you please tell the Court how you obtained your lucky rabbit’s foot? 1.3804 0.04939 163 114 36 13
689 Childhood abandonment. That's what this case is about. 1.3795 0.04723 166 114 41 11
690 Nope, raise just your right hand. 1.3795 0.04949 166 117 35 14
691 I did not have cuddling relations with that woman. 1.3795 0.04949 166 117 35 14
692 Can you point to the part of your body where the president touched you. 1.3795 0.05236 166 121 27 18
693 How could you have seen my client? Those are buttons, not eyes. 1.3795 0.04799 166 115 39 12
694 She's not accused of battery I said she needs batteries. 1.3789 0.04574 161 108 45 8
695 Your Honor, we established the witness is an expert on the right to bear arms. 1.3789 0.05209 161 116 29 16
696 And you had no idea what you were stuffed with?" That seems unlikely. 1.3789 0.04740 161 110 41 10
697 The defendant will be charged with battery. 1.3789 0.04902 161 112 37 12
698 I ask for a recess. The witness has a boo-boo. 1.3787 0.04511 169 114 46 9
699 The witness will answer "where exactly did Susie touch you?" 1.3782 0.05010 156 109 35 12
700 So, Mr. Teddy, you’re saying that Timmy’s willing to testify that you were in bed with him the entire night in question? 1.3782 0.04394 156 102 49 5
701 Admit it! You tried to go Pooh in the unisex bathroom. 1.3780 0.04990 164 116 34 14
702 Your honor, the witness asks for A short break. He’s due at a nap. 1.3780 0.04990 164 116 34 14
703 Are you toying with the Court? 1.3780 0.05064 164 117 32 15
704 Show the court on yourself where the accused touched you. 1.3779 0.04607 172 118 43 11
705 And where did this alleged “picnic” take place? 1.3774 0.04342 159 104 50 5
706 Did you or did you not engage in insider trading at Bear Stearns? 1.3774 0.04694 159 108 42 9
707 Do you ‘bear’ to tell the truth?” [NOTE FOR EDITORS: I believe this is the type of simple, comforting humour that will thrive in the event of a Biden election victory. If Trump wins please use the alternative caption “FUCK SHIT PISS FUCK FUCK” 1.3772 0.05346 167 124 23 20
708 Your Honor, the defendant once shared my bed. 1.3772 0.04700 167 115 41 11
709 Do you agree with defendant's claim that he won you at a carnival? 1.3765 0.04716 170 118 40 12
710 I swear, I’ve never even been in those woods. 1.3765 0.04642 170 117 42 11
711 Officer Theodore, the rest of the vice squad claims you have gone soft. What is your defense? 1.3758 0.04901 157 109 37 11
712 I move we take a brief recess followed by a sippy cup with warm milk and a nap. 1.3758 0.04817 157 108 39 10
713 Your Honor,will you please direct Mr. Cuddles to answer the question? 1.3758 0.04984 157 110 35 12
714 Do you go by Teddy, or Theodore? 1.3758 0.04817 157 108 39 10
715 He's not talking, your Honor. 1.3758 0.04736 165 114 40 11
716 Didn't you say something about bear witness? 1.3750 0.05400 112 75 32 5
717 I swear, I don't even like porridge. It was Goldilocks, I tell you. 1.3750 0.05074 160 114 32 14
718 Your Honor, I can prove my client was at a picnic in the woods. For every bear that ever there was, was gathered there for certain, because... do I need to sing the whole song? 1.3750 0.04673 176 123 40 13
719 Your honor, in my client's defense, a red light and a green light look exactly the same. 1.3750 0.04836 160 111 38 11
720 So you admit, you inflated the numbers to sell more fabric softener? 1.3750 0.04827 168 118 37 13
721 Okay, okay I’ll admit it! He paid me $5 to sit in for his remote learning sessions. 1.3750 0.04754 160 110 40 10
722 Judge my client has requested a break from the proceedings. About 5 months long and preferably underground. 1.3743 0.04978 171 123 32 16
723 Whose bed were in when the incident occurred? 1.3743 0.04620 171 118 42 11
724 And isn’t it in your very nature to bear false witness? 1.3742 0.04529 163 110 45 8
725 May I remind you that is is against the law to bear false witness. 1.3742 0.05081 163 117 31 15
726 Regardless of social convention, Your Honor, my client asserts that being repeatedly thrown down the stairs, is entirely unacceptable. 1.3742 0.04694 163 112 41 10
727 So your honor, it was not an attack- just a 'bear hug'. 1.3742 0.04852 163 114 37 12
728 Let the record show that the witness is fluffy. 1.3742 0.04942 155 108 36 11
729 Your honor, this testimony sounds like a lot of fluff. 1.3742 0.04856 155 107 38 10
730 So is it your contention that the defendant ended your carnival career when he selected you as his prize? 1.3735 0.04713 166 115 40 11
731 Do you see the organizers of this picnic in the courtroom? 1.3735 0.04556 166 113 44 9
732 So you're saying you were home in bed at the time of the incident, is that right 1.3735 0.04713 166 115 40 11
733 I need to ask you one more time, "who's bed was she sleeping in?' 1.3734 0.04958 158 111 35 12
734 Counselor, have you had a prior relationship with the witness? 1.3734 0.04958 158 111 35 12
735 It was clearly self defense; the victim ate his porridge. 1.3734 0.04792 158 109 39 10
736 So, you and the accused go way back? 1.3734 0.04876 158 110 37 11
737 It was self defense. He put me in that twilly whilly machine you call a washer, so yeah I whacked him. What of it” 1.3734 0.05118 158 113 31 14
738 I can indeed bear witness to the grizzly crime committed by the monsters lurking under little Jimmy’s bed... 1.3734 0.04876 158 110 37 11
739 Objection sustained. You may not ask the witness whom he’s sleeping with. 1.3728 0.04730 169 118 39 12
740 Objection—cuddling the witness 1.3727 0.04345 161 109 45 7
741 Your honor, Bear in mind, the tooth fairy is also guilty as she took the money 1.3727 0.04812 161 112 38 11
742 Did Little Jake, in fact, go to sleep past his bedtime? 1.3725 0.04718 153 104 41 8
743 Whilst my client accepts that he has slept with a number of minors... 1.3725 0.05069 153 108 33 12
744 And can you tell the court how long your arms were before the attack? 1.3720 0.04828 164 115 37 12
745 The plaintiff's family was separated at the border. 1.3718 0.05081 156 111 32 13
746 Your honor, the victim was bound, gagged and left on the spin cycle for over half an hour. 1.3718 0.04657 156 106 42 8
747 Will the witness please just answer the question: How much porridge was in your bowl? 1.3718 0.04745 156 107 40 9
748 And who else was at the picnic with you? 1.3718 0.04745 156 107 40 9
749 This witness is testifying in favor of the right to bear arms 1.3718 0.04916 156 109 36 11
750 Yes, occasionally we do shit in the woods. 1.3716 0.05099 148 104 33 11
751 He's had his hands up since the arrest.” 1.3713 0.05060 167 121 30 16
752 I assumed he was washable 1.3711 0.04510 159 107 45 7
753 We don't know what he's doing here. He said he had the right to remain silent. 1.3711 0.04768 159 110 39 10
754 So, you’re saying that you can corroborate the defendant’s alibi that he was with you all night on the night in question? 1.3709 0.05027 151 106 34 11
755 Giving a Teddy Talk doesn't make you an expert witness! 1.3694 0.04633 157 107 42 8
756 Your Honor, this witness is full of nothing but fluff. 1.3694 0.04633 157 107 42 8
757 Please explain to the witness that a cross-examination does not mean anyone is upset with him. 1.3694 0.04544 157 106 44 7
758 Your Honor, can I proceed with my bedtime story? 1.3691 0.04888 149 103 37 9
759 Mr. Pooh. What is your relationship to Mr. Robin? 1.3691 0.04699 149 101 41 7
760 Your honor, we have proof the witness voted in Pennsylvania. 1.3691 0.04980 149 104 35 10
761 “Your Honor, the witness claims that Goldilocks ate his porridge, broke his favorite chair, and slept in his bed without repaying him for services rendered." " 1.3691 0.05332 149 108 27 14
762 Sorry, I just don’t remember much from my FAO Schwartz days. 1.3691 0.04502 149 99 45 5
763 Permission to treat the witness as inanimate, your honor? 1.3684 0.04822 152 105 38 9
764 Does anyone know when the witness will return from recess? 1.3684 0.05171 152 109 30 13
765 Point out who doesn't love you. 1.3684 0.04731 152 104 40 8
766 Please advise the witness to be less cuddly. 1.3684 0.04731 152 104 40 8
767 And then what did she say in her sleep? 1.3681 0.04996 163 117 32 14
768 Let the record show that no one actually saw a little girl with silver hair eat porridge or break a chair on the day in question. 1.3677 0.04669 155 106 41 8
769 They set the cycle to spin, SPIN! 1.3677 0.04669 155 106 41 8
770 Let the record reflect the witness is holding his hands apart as far as he possibly can in answer to the question of how big of a lie the defendant is telling. 1.3677 0.04669 155 111 33 11
771 I understand the court requires a more complete name than "Teddy." 1.3677 0.04845 155 108 37 10
772 Your Honor, the witness would like to tell everyone to get stuffed. 1.3677 0.05015 155 110 33 12
773 Your Honor, I can't interview this witness. His lips are stitched shut. 1.3677 0.04931 155 109 35 11
774 You are charged with sleeping with an under-age minor. 1.3677 0.05015 155 110 33 12
775 Any mention of "bear false winess" will be considered a felony. 1.3677 0.04579 155 105 43 7
776 That’s preposterous your honor. Everyone knows that a Build-A-Witness would be wearing a cute little shirt and tie. 1.3677 0.04845 155 108 37 10
777 He does have the right to remain silent. 1.3677 0.04669 155 106 41 8
778 You’ll have to pull some strings here if you want me to talk. 1.3677 0.04931 155 109 35 11
779 Your honor, I had requested a sideBAR. 1.3677 0.05098 155 111 31 13
780 So tell me, where did the detective touch you. 1.3673 0.05206 147 105 30 12
781 Your honor, there’s a fine line between cuddle and smother. 1.3673 0.04835 147 101 38 8
782 I was abused by Mr. Trump when he realized no one really like him. 1.3671 0.05186 158 115 28 15
783 Cat got your tongue ? 1.3671 0.04947 158 112 34 12
784 Teddy, are you are here to bear witness? 1.3671 0.04610 158 108 42 8
785 Are you willing to take a DNA test to establish paternity of Barbie's baby? 1.3667 0.04953 150 105 35 10
786 What do mean, "it was this big" ? Use your words. 1.3667 0.04578 150 101 43 6
787 Your Honor, would you tell the witness to be more precise in estimating the size of the bowl of cold porridge? 1.3667 0.04769 150 103 39 8
788 You slept with how many? 1.3667 0.04862 150 104 37 9
789 Yes, I slept with him, for years, but it was always consensual . 1.3667 0.04862 150 104 37 9
790 This is not the Teddy I called to bear witness... 1.3667 0.05043 150 106 33 11
791 In fact, Fuzzy Wuzzy wasn’t a bear, was he? 1.3667 0.05550 150 112 21 17
792 Your Honor, it is clear this witness provides no emotional support. Move to dismiss. 1.3667 0.04862 150 104 37 9
793 Now I've heard of padding the numbers but stuffing the witness is new to me... 1.3667 0.04862 150 104 37 9
794 I went to law school for this? 1.3667 0.04862 150 104 37 9
795 Counselor perhaps you should press his tummy to get him to respond. 1.3662 0.05045 142 99 34 9
796 I know this is hard, but would you tell the jury how long you were tied to the front of the truck? 1.3660 0.04973 153 108 34 11
797 Did you or did you not fall off the bed when you were needed most? 1.3655 0.04875 145 100 37 8
798 So let me get this straight . .. you expect the jury to believe that there is another bear out there identical in size, shape, AND color? And that that is not you on the security camera footage?? 1.3655 0.05068 145 102 33 10
799 And is the man who threatened to beat the stuffing out of you here today? 1.3655 0.04675 145 98 41 6
800 Where were you on the night of the tea party? 1.3654 0.04645 156 107 41 8
801 Fluff and nonsense, Your Honor. He's full of it. 1.3654 0.05152 156 113 29 14
802 First I had badger the witness and now I gotta bear witness? 1.3649 0.05087 148 105 32 11
803 My client obviously has a right to bear arms, your honor. 1.3649 0.05087 148 105 32 11
804 May it please the court, I will show that my client never did or never would squeeze the Charmin' 1.3649 0.04996 148 104 34 10
805 ‘Permission to treat him as a hostile witness... and knock the stuffin outta him!’ 1.3649 0.05265 148 107 28 13
806 You see, your honor. Contrary to what the defendant claims, the blanket was not snuggle-soft. 1.3649 0.04996 148 104 34 10
807 In conclusion your Honor, Mr. Fuzzy Wuzzy wasn’t very fuzzy was he? 1.3649 0.04903 148 103 36 9
808 Oh, come on. If corporations can gain personhood, surely I can too. 1.3648 0.05080 159 115 30 14
809 According to the police report, when you left the picnic the other bears were having a lovely time, beneath the trees where nobody sees. Is that correct? 1.3642 0.04650 151 103 41 7
810 Ursa ipsa loquitir. 1.3642 0.05015 151 107 33 11
811 So this pot of honey disappeared and you had nothing to do with it, right? 1.3636 0.05378 121 84 30 7
812 The president cannot keep bringing emotional support cases to my courtroom 1.3636 0.04946 154 109 34 11
813 This will do. As you know, facts don't matter anymore 1.3630 0.05132 146 104 31 11
814 The court will not allow you to bear witness. 1.3630 0.05039 146 103 33 10
815 Please tell the Court exactly where and when you were smothered. 1.3630 0.05039 146 103 33 10
816 It's a fucking teddy bear. 1.3630 0.05223 146 105 29 12
817 If a statement is true then it is not libel. You do have cotton balls. 1.3630 0.05039 146 103 33 10
818 Your honor, I request that you instruct the jury to ignore this witness's adorableness. 1.3624 0.04876 149 104 36 9
819 I'd like some leeway here, since this eyewitness has eyes made of plastic buttons. 1.3624 0.04782 149 103 38 8
820 Can you identify the person you discovered sleeping in your bed. 1.3624 0.04782 149 103 38 8
821 Is it true that you have used the alias, Ted? 1.3624 0.04782 149 103 38 8
822 So you do admit that you and the accused have been sleeping together. 1.3624 0.04489 149 100 44 5
823 I don’t buy this I was hibernating defense! 1.3624 0.04589 149 101 42 6
824 Your honor, my client was no where near Raggedy Ann on the night of her disappearance. 1.3624 0.05059 149 106 32 11
825 This is the main witness to elector fraud your honor? 1.3624 0.04968 149 105 34 10
826 And you’re sure the defendant is who you saw stealing cookies from the cookie jar? 1.3624 0.04734 149 105 35 9
827 Is this the most credible witness the state could come up with, your honor? 1.3623 0.05239 138 98 30 10
828 You insisted on testifying and now you won't speak? 1.3618 0.04530 152 103 43 6
829 Counsel requests permission to cuddle the witness. 1.3617 0.04856 141 97 37 7
830 Your honor, please bear with me on this. He’s not as cuddly as he looks. 1.3617 0.05257 141 101 29 11
831 It's not that he won't talk, he can't talk 1.3617 0.05257 141 101 29 11
832 It was "Sooooo Big" 1.3617 0.04856 141 97 37 7
833 We call the President’s star witness, your honor. 1.3617 0.05257 141 101 29 11
834 Innocent Mr. Bear? Then how do you explain the purple lint found in your paws the night stuffed Barney disappeared? 1.3613 0.04834 155 109 36 10
835 All I'm saying is that it wasn't Goldilocks and the one bear! 1.3611 0.05084 144 102 32 10
836 Your honor, this witness has been sleeping with the defendant 1.3608 0.04770 158 111 37 10
837 He's claiming it's a Kanga and Roo court. 1.3605 0.05011 147 104 33 10
838 Your Honor, this witness is incapable of telling the truth. 1.3605 0.04917 147 103 35 9
839 If you want to get cute with me, I'll pull your string and make you talk. 1.3605 0.04917 147 103 35 9
840 Your honor, may I approach the witness for a hug? 1.3605 0.04917 147 103 35 9
841 No, we can't swear you in on a copy of The House at Pooh Corner. 1.3605 0.05011 147 104 33 10
842 But she slept in my bed,she slept in all of our beds! 1.3605 0.05283 147 107 27 13
843 Do you expect this jury to believe, Teddy Chandler, it was not you but some gorgeous golden-haired dame who just happened to walk into your life and then left behind the empty porridge bowl and broken chair? 1.3605 0.05194 147 106 29 12
844 OK, what did you do with Tigger? 1.3600 0.04941 150 106 34 10
845 Isn't it true that you were given a new identity and entered into the Witness Protection Program for your testimony? 1.3597 0.05207 139 99 30 10
846 Your Honor, if my client doesn't have the right to bear arms, who does?! 1.3597 0.04898 139 96 36 7
847 Your Honor, my client is only a flight risk if you believe in Santa Claus. 1.3597 0.05207 139 99 30 10
848 Move on with your cross please, we all know Fuzzy Wuzzy isn't very fuzzy. 1.3597 0.05003 139 97 34 8
849 How long have you believed in your right to bear arms? 1.3597 0.04790 139 95 38 6
850 If she pulls the string, she'll be accused of leading the witness. 1.3597 0.04898 139 96 36 7
851 And what did you do after Big Teddy and the Bad News Bears threatened to beat the stuffing out of you? 1.3597 0.04898 139 96 36 7
852 I ask that the word ‘Pooh’ be stricken from the record. 1.3595 0.04693 153 106 39 8
853 Is it true, Mr. Bear, that you’ve spent every night with the defendant since she was born? 1.3595 0.04693 153 106 39 8
854 Are you saying the big, scary monster was only that big. 1.3592 0.05130 142 101 31 10
855 Thirteen years, Your Honor! Thirteen years, then abandoned! It’s only right that my client be granted palimony! 1.3592 0.05130 142 101 31 10
856 I know it’s been no picnic for you... 1.3592 0.04724 142 97 39 6
857 And how long have you known Mr. Robin? 1.3592 0.05226 142 102 29 11
858 Your honor my client insists on blankie immunity. 1.3592 0.05130 142 101 31 10
859 Now Mr Bear, please exhibit to the jury where Mr Giuliani touched you 1.3592 0.05130 142 101 31 10
860 and you say you had a permit for this ‘Teddy Bears Picnic’ 1.3592 0.04829 142 98 37 7
861 And so your honor, our stuffing expert has successfully demonstrated that there is no evidence of voter fraud this election 1.3590 0.05299 156 116 24 16
862 And you say the child forced you to sleep with him EVERY night? 1.3586 0.04959 145 102 34 9
863 Your Honor. I would like to excuse this witness because it is nap time for his owner. 1.3586 0.04959 145 102 34 9
864 Your honor may consider my line of questioning to be badgering, however, whether this witness does or does not perform that activity “in the woods” is key to my case. 1.3586 0.05055 145 103 32 10
865 I am the victim of a honey trap 1.3586 0.04862 145 101 36 8
866 Objection, Your Honor--the confession was squeezed out of him.” 1.3585 0.04661 159 111 39 9
867 Just the bear facts please 1.3582 0.05125 134 94 32 8
868 Permission to treat the witness as textile? 1.3581 0.04890 148 104 35 9
869 Your honor, may I treat the witness as hostile? 1.3581 0.04795 148 103 37 8
870 Are you trying to tell the jury that Goldilocks chair was already broken? 1.3580 0.06645 81 57 19 5
871 As an expert witness, please assess the prevailing family dynamic. 1.3577 0.04940 137 95 35 7
872 If you’re not guilty, just say so. Your lawyer can’t pull your string any more. 1.3577 0.05048 137 96 33 8
873 Fuzzy Wuzzy wasn’t really fuzzy, Was he? 1.3576 0.04914 151 107 34 10
874 You think your being cute, don't you. 1.3571 0.04623 154 109 36 9
875 The defendant claims he did NOT behave like a "real animal." 1.3571 0.04763 140 96 38 6
876 My client has a constitutional right to bear arms. 1.3571 0.05076 140 99 32 9
877 And in conclusion, my client could not have pushed Jimmy because he is an inanimate object. 1.3571 0.04974 140 98 34 8
878 Your Honor, I request a short recess so that I may snuggle with my client. 1.3571 0.05076 140 99 32 9
879 Permission to press the witness's belly so he can talk, Your Honor. 1.3571 0.04542 140 94 42 4
880 You can't just throw up your hands. Answer my question! 1.3571 0.04763 140 96 38 6
881 Your honor, please instruct the witness to stop gesticulating every time I ask a question. 1.3571 0.04974 140 98 34 8
882 Teddy Bear? Paddington Bear? Even a child knows it is a critical difference, Your Honor." 1.3571 0.05176 140 100 30 10
883 Your Honor, my client didn't remove the "do not remove tag" from himself. 1.3571 0.05275 140 101 28 11
884 Our client asserts that the defendant trespassed into their house, ate their food, broke their chair and was found lying in their bed. A grizzly crime indeed your Honour! 1.3571 0.05371 140 102 26 12
885 Your honor, our defense hinges on the right to arm bears. 1.3571 0.05076 140 99 32 9
886 Show us where the bad kid touched you. 1.3566 0.05195 143 103 29 11
887 Your Honor, I will not be toyed with. 1.3562 0.05119 146 105 30 11
888 You are telling me she tried to squeeze you to death? 1.3562 0.04736 146 101 38 7
889 He is here to bear witness, your honor. 1.3562 0.04318 146 97 46 3
890 The entire morning session was consumed with the issue of whether raising both hands constitutes "raising your right hand". Consequently, the issue of whether the witness competence was deferred to the afternoon calendar. 1.3562 0.05026 146 104 32 10
891 Now...Mr. Teddy is comfy and ready to testify. 1.3562 0.05211 146 106 28 12
892 Hibernation is not a legal defense, your Honor. 1.3562 0.04835 146 102 36 8
893 Just because he was in the room where it happened, does not make him a useful witness. 1.3562 0.04635 146 100 40 6
894 Request permission to treat the witness as cuddly, your honor 1.3557 0.04769 149 104 37 8
895 Your honor, my client's alibi has been cleared with Lambchop, Barbie, and several others tea party attendees. 1.3557 0.04863 149 105 35 9
896 Could you describe for the court this bowl of porridge that you say went missing? 1.3557 0.04267 149 99 47 3
897 I’t’s ‘Theodore’ and not ‘Teddy”, is it not? I remind you you’re still under oath. 1.3556 0.05201 135 96 30 9
898 Your Honor,permission to treat the witness as cute? 1.3556 0.05409 135 98 26 11
899 Just your right hand. Just. Your. Right. Hand. 1.3556 0.05306 135 97 28 10
900 You can call me Teddy 1.3556 0.05306 135 97 28 10
901 Let me guess..you're here to bear witness. 1.3553 0.04975 152 109 32 11
902 The material witness is 20% polyester blend and 80% cotton, your Honor. 1.3551 0.04802 138 95 37 6
903 Not to lead the witness, but Fuzzy Wuzzy wasn't fuzzy, was he? 1.3551 0.05224 138 99 29 10
904 My client is innocent of all bed wetting charges. The Defense calls Betsy Wetsy to the stand. 1.3551 0.05173 138 101 26 11
905 Your Honor, Mr. Bickles would like to plead the Fluff. 1.3551 0.05224 138 99 29 10
906 Your honor, my memory is a little bit fuzzy.... 1.3551 0.04911 138 96 35 7
907 where was the bear cam installed? 1.3551 0.05224 138 99 29 10
908 So Mr Cuddles, you say that you were gift from Mr Putin. But I want to know, have you been laundered? 1.3546 0.05339 141 103 26 12
909 Permission to treat the witness as hostile but cuddly, Your Honor 1.3546 0.04736 141 97 38 6
910 Your honor, if the witness refuses to answer, permission to pull his drawstring? 1.3546 0.05339 141 103 26 12
911 His silence confirms the voting fraud your Honor! 1.3546 0.05243 141 102 28 11
912 Please tell your client to answer the question. The court does not have a nap time. 1.3542 0.04974 144 102 33 9
913 The plaintiffs Paddington, Fozzie, Yogi, Smokey, Rupert, and the Berenstains are all Bears. Winnie, on the other hand, is a Pooh. 1.3538 0.05222 130 92 30 8
914 If it please the court, may I take the defendant home? 1.3538 0.04988 130 90 34 6
915 No, I do not want a hug. I want the truth! 1.3537 0.04904 147 104 34 9
916 How do you respond to the accusation that it was not five year old Danny; but in fact you who wet the bed, Mr. Snuggles? 1.3537 0.05270 147 108 26 13
917 Admit it...you're a softened criminal. 1.3534 0.05250 133 95 29 9
918 Permission requested to rip the stuffing out of this witness, Your Honor. 1.3534 0.05358 133 96 27 10
919 He didn’t steal candy, your honor. He was already stuffed. 1.3534 0.05358 133 96 27 10
920 Hostile witness? I don't think so, counselor. 1.3534 0.05028 133 93 33 7
921 Your Honor, I move to strike. The witness is pandering to the jury. 1.3534 0.04914 133 92 35 6
922 We asked the defendant to provide someone who could bear witness, not a “bear witness.” 1.3534 0.05028 133 93 33 7
923 Exactly what transpired in The Hundred Acre Woods on that blustery day? 1.3534 0.04797 133 91 37 5
924 So when did you suspect little Billy Madison was cheating on you. 1.3529 0.05476 136 100 24 12
925 Your Honor, let the record show that this witness is simply adorable. 1.3529 0.04843 136 94 36 6
926 I must recuse myself your honor, I've slept with this witness. 1.3529 0.05169 136 97 30 9
927 Just a few more questions and the witness can go to his picnic. 1.3529 0.04843 136 94 36 6
928 Isn't it true that your real name is Theodore? 1.3529 0.05063 136 96 32 8
929 So you deny removing all the stuffing from Floppy Bunny in a fit of jealous rage? 1.3529 0.05063 136 96 32 8
930 Bear - Child privilege is not a real thing. Answer the question! 1.3529 0.04954 136 95 34 7
931 I will not hug you. Answer the question. 1.3529 0.05063 136 96 32 8
932 Your honor, my client would like to petition for habeas ursus. 1.3529 0.05063 136 96 32 8
933 Sometimes they forget I’m there, but I see everything. 1.3529 0.05063 136 96 32 8
934 So you’re saying, Mr. Ted, that you’ve been a guest in the Whitehouse for 4 straight years? 1.3525 0.05193 139 100 29 10
935 That's all he wanted to be your honor, your Teddy Bear 1.3525 0.05092 139 99 31 9
936 You're saying the porridge was too hot? 1.3525 0.05193 139 100 29 10
937 Now tell me sir, do you see such a blankie in this courtroom?" 1.3525 0.05092 139 99 31 9
938 He’ll only swear on a Steiff catalog.” 1.3525 0.05092 139 99 31 9
939 Five-minute recess, Your Honor? To alk-tay with my ient-clay. 1.3525 0.05092 139 99 31 9
940 Very well, we will hear from our only witness as to fraudulent votes. 1.3521 0.05307 142 104 26 12
941 Don’t get cute with me mister Bear 1.3521 0.05307 142 104 26 12
942 He says that you're being a meany-pants. 1.3517 0.04945 145 103 33 9
943 And what is your occupation? 1.3517 0.05135 145 105 29 11
944 Your Honor, please instruct the witness to answer the question. 1.3511 0.05074 131 92 32 7
945 You can't tell me there wasn't a moment when you thought to yourself, "I can't just sit here and do nothing." 1.3511 0.04837 131 90 36 5
946 But he wasn't REALLY fuzzy - was he! 1.3511 0.05189 131 93 30 8
947 Put your hands down. I ask the questions here. 1.3510 0.04901 151 108 33 10
948 We found her unaccompanied at the border. 1.3507 0.05217 134 96 29 9
949 If the defendant is cute, you must prosecute 1.3507 0.05109 134 95 31 8
950 Tread lightly counselor, the mother bear is seated in the courtroom. 1.3507 0.05109 134 95 31 8
951 Show us on yourself where he touched you. 1.3507 0.05109 134 95 31 8
952 No, your other, other right. 1.3507 0.04998 134 94 33 7
953 Are those stitches a direct result of the assault? 1.3507 0.04768 134 92 37 5
954 Isn't it true that your insane jealousy drove you to murder the baby yoda plush toy? 1.3507 0.05217 134 96 29 9
955 Aha! So your real name is Theodore! 1.3507 0.04526 134 90 41 3
956 The notorious Teddy Bundy 1.3507 0.04768 134 92 37 5
957 In which dumpster did you find these ballots, Mr Bear? 1.3507 0.04998 134 94 33 7
958 I understand, your honor, but he was in the room where it happened. 1.3504 0.05138 137 98 30 9
959 Can you show us on yourself where he touched you? 1.3504 0.05032 137 97 32 8
960 That wasn’t all that went on during that picnic was it Mr. Teddy. 1.3504 0.04924 137 96 34 7
961 Do you solemnly swear that every bear that ever there was, was gathered there for certain on the day of the picnic? 1.3504 0.04586 137 93 40 4
962 You can't toy with a witness in my court ! 1.3504 0.05138 137 98 30 9
963 Sidebear, your honor? 1.3504 0.05138 137 98 30 9
964 Ted, you only need to raise one hand to swear to the truth. 1.3504 0.04701 137 94 38 5
965 Tell me, Mr. Bear. Who exactly did you see abscond with Trixie's tooth and replace it with a measly quarter? Was it the "Tooth Fairy" or....HER FATHER? 1.3504 0.05442 137 101 24 12
966 And at this picnic, did you gaily gad about? 1.3504 0.05138 137 98 30 9
967 Your Honor, I' d like to call to the stand...... Tickle Me Elmo. 1.3504 0.05138 137 98 30 9
968 The kangaroo court is across the hall. 1.3504 0.05241 137 99 28 10
969 Council, Overruled. I’m going to allow your client to bear witness. “ 1.3504 0.05032 137 97 32 8
970 Tell us in your own words, what you were made to do in Family Guy 1.3504 0.05032 137 97 32 8
971 ...so you see, Your Honor, this bears witness to the disastrous consequences of confusing plurals and possessives by the Defendant... 1.3500 0.05357 140 103 25 12
972 Quite frankly, your honour, the witness can get stuffed. 1.3500 0.05162 140 101 29 10
973 Admit it. Fuzzy Wuzzy wasn't fuzzy, was he? 1.3497 0.04888 143 101 34 8
974 Your honor, I would like to report that the prosecutor has been sleeping with the witness 1.3490 0.04942 149 107 32 10
975 He doesn’t have a defense. Goldilocks was ruining his life. 1.3488 0.05464 129 94 25 10
976 So, whose bed were you in the night in question? 1.3488 0.04753 129 88 37 4
977 Do you think we can believe his alibi? He says he was at a picnic. 1.3488 0.05121 129 91 31 7
978 Can you tell us where you were on the morning of December 25th? 1.3488 0.04753 129 88 37 4
979 The court will please note that the witness’ refusal to answer is deemed hostile despite his apparent cuddly nature. 1.3485 0.05156 132 94 30 8
980 Tell me Bear, just how big was that hug? 1.3485 0.04927 132 92 34 6
981 So I find this half crazy girl wearing a goofy red cape passed out in my bed!” “What’s an angry bear to do? 1.3485 0.05587 132 98 22 12
982 If I pull some strings, then he'll talk. 1.3481 0.05185 135 97 29 9
983 Sidebar, if it pleases the court, “Where were you on the night all the barbies went missing? 1.3481 0.05496 135 100 23 12
984 Your honor, the prosecution’s star witness is a teddy bear. What kind of kangaroo court are we running here? 1.3481 0.04967 135 95 33 7
985 And when were you first bothered by seeing Mandie spending more time with the giraffe than with you? 1.3481 0.05185 135 97 29 9
986 As you can see your honor, the defendant and the plaintiff haven’t slept together in years. 1.3481 0.04967 135 95 33 7
987 You expect the jury to believe that you were on the shelf all night? 1.3481 0.04967 135 95 33 7
988 Objection, your Honor: bearing false witness. 1.3481 0.05291 135 98 27 10
989 Your Honor, Ted has talked enough. 1.3481 0.05077 135 96 31 8
990 your honor, the defendant would like to request his blanket 1.3481 0.05291 135 98 27 10
991 : I object to the prosecution knocking the stuffing out of this witness, your honor. 1.3481 0.04967 135 95 33 7
992 Your Honor. the seat is too hard for my client 1.3478 0.05002 138 98 32 8
993 Isn’t it also true, Mr Bear, that you witnessed the Defendant on TikTok when she was supposed to be studying Geography? 1.3478 0.05310 138 101 26 11
994 Permission to cuddle with the witness, Your Honor? 1.3478 0.05209 138 100 28 10
995 Permission to approach and hug the witness? 1.3478 0.05209 138 100 28 10
996 Under State vs Ruxpin, Teddy disavows his previous testimony on the grounds that it was pre-recorded at the factory... 1.3478 0.05107 138 99 30 9
997 Bear with my client Your Honor, 2020 really beat the stuffing out of him. 1.3478 0.05209 138 100 28 10
998 Your honor – do I really have to address him as Fuzzy Wuzzy? 1.3475 0.05031 141 101 31 9
999 Just the bear facts, Sir 1.3472 0.05151 144 105 28 11
1000 Are you or are you NOT made of sustainably sourced materials??? 1.3472 0.04759 144 101 36 7
1001 Objection sustained. That's not what "bear witness" means. 1.3465 0.05289 127 91 28 8
1002 The witness will require an interpreter, Your Honor. 1.3462 0.05089 130 92 31 7
1003 Your Honor, when I said 'bear witness', this is not what I meant 1.3462 0.05089 130 92 31 7
1004 I want to treat him as a hostile witness, but geez. 1.3462 0.05429 130 95 25 10
1005 How long had you been sleeping with the victim? 1.3462 0.04849 130 90 35 5
1006 He threatened to beat the stuffing out of me! 1.3462 0.04849 130 90 35 5
1007 Your Honor, my client was at the scene of the crime but did not personally steal any cookies. 1.3462 0.05644 130 97 21 12
1008 Where were you on the night of December 24th? 1.3462 0.04970 130 91 33 6
1009 That’s when he knocked the stuffing out of me! 1.3462 0.04849 130 90 35 5
1010 Your honor, I request permission to treat the witness as soft and snuggly." 1.3462 0.05089 130 92 31 7
1011 So your testimony is that you were merely trying the bed on for size when she attacked you. 1.3462 0.04970 130 91 33 6
1012 ...and he wuz never fuzzy, wuzz he?!! 1.3462 0.05204 130 93 29 8
1013 Your honor, the defense rests... comfortably 1.3459 0.04658 133 91 38 4
1014 Was there any doubt in your mind it was bedtime? 1.3459 0.04779 133 92 36 5
1015 The defense requests a twenty minute nap, your Honor. 1.3459 0.05011 133 94 32 7
1016 Permission to treat this witness as hostile your honour? 1.3459 0.05011 133 94 32 7
1017 For the record, Mr. CuddlyWump, who are you protecting? 1.3459 0.05124 133 95 30 8
1018 sooooo mr. pooh pleease explain to this court your lifestyle and exactly what it is that you do all day in the place you call the hundred acre wood. 1.3459 0.05234 133 96 28 9
1019 Do you mean to say you were NOT sleeping with the accused on the night in question? 1.3459 0.05011 133 94 32 7
1020 Your Honor, does the Court have a Bear to English interpreter? 1.3459 0.05234 133 96 28 9
1021 Well, this is awkward. 1.3459 0.05124 133 95 30 8
1022 On the night of the meltdown, where were you at bedtime? 1.3458 0.05329 107 74 29 4
1023 ... and do you see the dog that did that to you in the courtroom today, Teddy? 1.3456 0.04937 136 96 33 7
1024 I’d like to request a brief hibernation period for my client, your honor. 1.3456 0.04937 136 96 33 7
1025 In considering the Supreme Court's ruling in the Puff the Magic Dragon vs Little Jacky Paper case, Teddy, here, can't succesfully sue for abandonment; my client is 85 years old. These things just happen. 1.3456 0.05046 136 97 31 8
1026 We have to move the mic closer. I can't hear a word he's saying. 1.3456 0.05461 136 101 23 12
1027 You think that's what "bear witness" means? 1.3456 0.04937 136 96 33 7
1028 Mr. President, I’m going to need you to answer the question. 1.3456 0.05360 136 100 25 11
1029 Did the defendant drag you by the ear? 1.3451 0.04798 142 100 35 7
1030 What do you mean I can't treat the witness as hostile? 1.3440 0.05218 125 89 29 7
1031 Your Honor, please tell the witness to stop shrugging and answer the question. 1.3440 0.04965 125 87 33 5
1032 Pleading the 5th is only meaningful if you can talk. 1.3440 0.05341 125 90 27 8
1033 Your honor, permission to ask this bear witness what he bore witness to? 1.3440 0.05218 125 89 29 7
1034 But your Honor, without his right to bear arms, he would have no arms at all!" 1.3440 0.05218 125 89 29 7
1035 I most certainly do not need a hug, sir. 1.3440 0.05460 125 91 25 9
1036 Wipe that smile off your snout. Admit it, you're stuffed with ballots voting for Trump! 1.3440 0.05691 125 93 21 11
1037 I’ll remind the prosecution once again that ‘stuffed’ is considered a prejudicial term. 1.3438 0.05254 128 92 28 8
1038 No nicknames. Is your proper name Theodore? 1.3438 0.04763 128 88 36 4
1039 Who told you this would be a picnic? 1.3438 0.04890 128 89 34 5
1040 And is it your testimony that that is the position you assumed when the officers pulled you over? 1.3438 0.05254 128 92 28 8
1041 I feel uncomfortable accepting a testimony from a witness who swore on a copy of Goodnight Moon. 1.3438 0.04953 128 92 29 7
1042 I will not warn you again Counsel, do not cuddle the witness. 1.3438 0.06075 96 69 21 6
1043 So exactly how much comforting did you actually do in 2020? 1.3438 0.05014 128 90 32 6
1044 Did you or did you not, fall out of the bed leaving the defendant to sleep by himself? 1.3438 0.05254 128 92 28 8
1045 Your Honor, he says he won't talk until the bailiff plays a lullaby. 1.3435 0.05171 131 94 29 8
1046 She says you have right to remain silent. 1.3435 0.05056 131 93 31 7
1047 Oh man. I am way too over-koalafied for this job. 1.3435 0.05501 131 97 23 11
1048 Your honour, the witness is requesting a short recess for ‘snuggles’ 1.3435 0.04632 131 92 34 5
1049 And you felt no shame being indiscriminately cuddled by just about anybody? 1.3433 0.04867 134 94 34 6
1050 Your honor, I must invoke the Toy Story accommodation. Teddy will not testify with humans present. 1.3433 0.05092 134 96 30 8
1051 You honor, my client would be grateful if we could agree on a simple battery charge. 1.3433 0.04981 134 95 32 7
1052 Your honor, is this a Calvin and Hobbes thing? 1.3433 0.05201 134 97 28 9
1053 I would ask that the court instruct the jury to ignore the fact that the witness is so adorable. 1.3433 0.04981 134 95 32 7
1054 You wouldn’t believe the things I’ve witnessed 1.3433 0.04981 134 95 32 7
1055 You heard the judge Ted, talk! 1.3431 0.05016 137 98 31 8
1056 So you admit to choking the victim with your bear hands? 1.3431 0.05122 137 99 29 9
1057 I only voted ‘this’ many times 1.3431 0.05225 137 100 27 10
1058 Don’t try to look so innocent. 1.3429 0.04943 140 100 32 8
1059 Counsel, the right to the bearing of arms is not the legal equivalent to the arming of bears. 1.3426 0.05607 108 77 25 6
1060 Can you show us where the defendant touched you? 1.3413 0.05184 126 90 29 7
1061 I choose to exercise my right to remain silent. 1.3413 0.05184 126 90 29 7
1062 The defense seeks only in justice, Your Honor. Soft, cuddly justice. 1.3413 0.05305 126 91 27 8
1063 Your honor, he is not as innocent and snuggly as he seems. 1.3413 0.04933 126 88 33 5
1064 Where I touched you is NOT pertinent to your testimony in this case. 1.3413 0.05060 126 89 31 6
1065 Answer the question. Did you sleep with her? 1.3413 0.04802 126 87 35 4
1066 Describe to the jury your whereabouts on or around the date of the disappearance of Mr. Potatohead. 1.3413 0.05184 126 90 29 7
1067 Sustained. Personal nursery questions not relevant. 1.3413 0.05423 126 92 25 9
1068 Motion for dismissal of the abandonment charge. My client went to college and Mr. Snuffles would not have been welcome. 1.3411 0.05103 129 92 30 7
1069 Have you ever been involved with Christopher Robin? 1.3411 0.05103 129 92 30 7
1070 Frankly, Your Honor, I'm surprised that no one's tried to knock the stuffing out of him before. 1.3411 0.05335 129 94 26 9
1071 And so even though you clearly said “no” the defendant continued to cuddle you? 1.3411 0.04983 129 91 32 6
1072 And what happened after she ate your porridge? 1.3411 0.05103 129 92 30 7
1073 Your Honor, permission to cuddle the witness? It’s been a rough year. 1.3411 0.05103 129 92 30 7
1074 Oh my God. Ted, is that you?? It’s Janet! Remember, from middle school? 1.3411 0.05335 129 94 26 9
1075 The Justice Department said they’d send the President to testify. 1.3409 0.05466 132 98 23 11
1076 And exactly where was this picnic? 1.3409 0.05250 132 96 27 9
1077 Would you mind speaking into the mic, please? 1.3409 0.05139 132 95 29 8
1078 I’d like some nap time with the witness, your honor. 1.3409 0.04789 132 92 35 5
1079 I can't treat this witness as hostile. 1.3409 0.04789 132 92 35 5
1080 So explain to the jury how it was your fingerprints happened to be on the honey jar. 1.3409 0.05025 132 94 31 7
1081 I'm sorry, your honor. No matter how hard I try, I can't treat this witness as hostile. 1.3407 0.05169 135 98 28 9
1082 The jury would like to be sequestered with the witness.” 1.3407 0.05060 135 97 30 8
1083 Your honor, I believe the witnesses fear for his life if he testifies is justified. I'd like to hug the stuffing out of him, myself. 1.3407 0.05060 135 97 30 8
1084 Your Honor, I move to strike this witness as unbearable. 1.3407 0.05006 135 99 27 9
1085 Your honor, let the record show that the witness is changing his bedtime story! 1.3407 0.04950 135 96 32 7
1086 This is taking the right to remain silent too far. 1.3398 0.05943 103 75 21 7
1087 Is it your testimony that cuteness is not a crime? 1.3396 0.05509 106 75 26 5
1088 Do you believe that your time undercover caused you to emotionally regress into a child-like state? 1.3387 0.05357 124 90 26 8
1089 Let the record show, the witness has declined a lunch recess, because he is “stuffed.” 1.3387 0.05233 124 89 28 7
1090 Did you or did you not fly here during the travel ban from China? 1.3387 0.05107 124 88 30 6
1091 Your Honor, the defendent claims he was not at dinner that fateful night, as he is always stuffed. 1.3387 0.04977 124 87 32 5
1092 He's our silent witness. 1.3387 0.05107 124 88 30 6
1093 Strictly speaking, your Honor, it’s a Steiff bear, not a Teddy bear. 1.3387 0.04775 124 88 31 5
1094 My client requests an adjournment as he is required at home for Timmy’s nap. 1.3387 0.05107 124 88 30 6
1095 My client represents to me that he was under the couch at the time the cookies were eaten. I would like to call Susie back to the stand. 1.3387 0.04977 124 87 32 5
1096 Your honor, I must recuse myself since I've been sleeping with the witness. DF 1.3387 0.05357 124 90 26 8
1097 And with the teddy bear, the defense rests.” 1.3387 0.04977 124 87 32 5
1098 And the defendant’s mommy claimed to be a surgeon before reattaching the limb? 1.3387 0.05597 124 92 22 10
1099 Your Honor, I’d like to now call Mr Christopher Robin to the stand. 1.3387 0.04977 124 87 32 5
1100 Taking the 5th is not going to save you. We found the mangled remains of Snoopy and Barbie covered in honey and stashed in the back of your cubby. 1.3387 0.05107 124 88 30 6
1101 Permission to approach and cuddle the witness your Honor? 1.3387 0.05107 124 88 30 6
1102 So Fuzzy Wuzzy wasn’t even fuzzy, was he? 1.3387 0.04977 124 87 32 5
1103 Your honor, please instruct the witness to answer. 1.3387 0.05597 124 92 22 10
1104 your honour , so that we get a jury of his peers...we must ask to delay the trial until winter has passed. 1.3386 0.05027 127 90 31 6
1105 Your honor, requesting permission to squeeze the witness. 1.3386 0.05270 127 92 27 8
1106 I said, raise your right paw. 1.3386 0.05150 127 91 29 7
1107 In mitigation, my client maintains he has been the naïve victim of a honey trap, Your Honour. 1.3386 0.05150 127 91 29 7
1108 Judge Barrett faces her first case regarding the right to arm bears. 1.3386 0.05270 127 92 27 8
1109 Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, you’ve clearly just listened to testimony made up of whole cloth. 1.3386 0.05150 127 91 29 7
1110 And now we have come to bear witness. 1.3385 0.05070 130 93 30 7
1111 Show me on the boy where he touched you. 1.3385 0.05411 130 96 24 10
1112 Explain to the jury exactly how you "snuggled" them to death. 1.3385 0.04829 130 91 34 5
1113 The accused beat the stuffing out of my client. 1.3385 0.05070 130 93 30 7
1114 Your honor, could you instruct the witness not to throw up his hands every time I ask a question? 1.3385 0.05186 130 94 28 8
1115 So, did you or did you not wet the bed? 1.3385 0.05520 130 97 22 11
1116 Thanks to a good night's sleep, your honor, our case rests. 1.3385 0.05627 130 98 20 12
1117 Permission to treat the witness as docile, your honor? 1.3383 0.04639 133 92 37 4
1118 And in Trumps defense we have called the ‘I Don’t Care Bear, Do You?’ to the stand 1.3383 0.05431 133 99 23 11
1119 Now, Teddy, can you point where the little girl touched you. 1.3375 0.06400 80 57 19 4
1120 Your Honor, may I approach the bench and press the button embedded in the witness’ stomach? 1.3365 0.06051 104 77 19 8
1121 When did you first become aware of bedbugs? 1.3365 0.05734 104 75 23 6
1122 "And where are your masks? 1.3365 0.05569 104 74 25 5
1123 Permission to refresh the witness's recollection since his memory of the events is fuzzy. 1.3365 0.05895 104 76 21 7
1124 Your cholesterol has tested high and Piglet is missing. What do you say for yourself? 1.3365 0.05569 104 74 25 5
1125 He pleads adorable. 1.3361 0.05411 122 89 25 8
1126 Goldilocks is how big, now? Really? 1.3361 0.04885 122 85 33 4
1127 But your honor, the defendant does not speak unless I push his buttons. 1.3361 0.05155 122 87 29 6
1128 Keep stonewalling and the kid gets life. Is that what you want? 1.3361 0.05021 122 86 31 5
1129 Was it true that Timmy was in bed at 7:30 pm as his mother instructed? 1.3361 0.05284 122 88 27 7
1130 Our defense is the right to arm bears. 1.3361 0.05535 122 90 23 9
1131 Fuzzy Wuzzy wasn’t fuzzy. No, by gosh, he wasn’t, was he? 1.3361 0.05155 122 87 29 6
1132 I admit I did sit on that chair, drink that porridge and slept on that bed, your honor, but is all this really necessary? 1.3361 0.05284 122 88 27 7
1133 ‘Now, Teddy, please tell us what happened once you were put into the washing machine’ 1.3361 0.05284 122 88 27 7
1134 You honor, my client clearly does not bear any resemblance to the description 1.3361 0.05284 122 88 27 7
1135 Please let the record show Fuzzy Wuzzy had no hair. 1.3360 0.05073 125 89 30 6
1136 Let the record show the witness wants to be friends. 1.3360 0.04944 125 88 32 5
1137 I was in the woods. I didn't know it was illegal. 1.3360 0.05073 125 89 30 6
1138 Now I turn your attention to the picnic of April 13th last. 1.3360 0.05073 125 89 30 6
1139 You said it all started about night night time, could you be more specific? 1.3360 0.04606 125 88 33 4
1140 ...to answer for the charge of aiding the bedding 1.3360 0.05441 125 92 24 9
1141 Your Honor, his mouth is sewn shut. 1.3360 0.05073 125 89 30 6
1142 Your Honor , Id like to request a 2 hour snuggle session. 1.3360 0.05073 125 89 30 6
1143 Exactly what time did you leave the picnic? 1.3360 0.04812 125 87 34 4
1144 You’re now saying she was a brunette? 1.3360 0.04944 125 88 32 5
1145 "Am I--and the jury--to believe that the defendant, your guardian, took you by the leg, hauled you--head-first--down the front stoop, slammed your head against each step, and then tossed you over the railing? 1.3360 0.05321 125 91 26 8
1146 If you feel the witnesses' statement was unclear, I can always pull the string again. 1.3360 0.05558 125 93 22 10
1147 And what were you doing in her bedroom that night? 1.3360 0.05073 125 89 30 6
1148 I swear I didn't eat the porridge because I was stuffed. 1.3359 0.05351 128 94 25 9
1149 Starting to think law school wasn’t worth the investment 1.3359 0.04870 128 90 33 5
1150 He has been like this ever sense they told him he has the right to remain silent. 1.3359 0.05116 128 92 29 7
1151 You said bear witness." "I said, "Did anyone bear witness?'" ..."bear witness." ..."BEAR witness. 1.3359 0.05235 128 93 27 8
1152 So you expect the jury to believe you just because you’re cute cuddly and good in bed. 1.3359 0.04870 128 90 33 5
1153 Really? You're going to object to that face? 1.3359 0.05116 128 92 29 7
1154 And then they said, “Today’s the day the teddy bears have their picnic!” 1.3359 0.05235 128 93 27 8
1155 No, “bear false witness” was not sarcasm. 1.3359 0.05038 131 94 30 7
1156 Your honor, I object on the basis that this witness's testimony is a fairy tale. 1.3359 0.05153 131 95 28 8
1157 I object, your honor. We have already established that, due to his Button-Eyes-and-Kapok-Arms syndrome, the witness is literally not able to comply with your directive to lower his arms or "wipe that expression off his face." 1.3359 0.05266 131 96 26 9
1158 Your honor, the witness is a bear-faced liar. 1.3358 0.05074 134 97 29 8
1159 Your honor, I request that the witness wear amicus briefs as instructed. 1.3333 0.05374 123 90 25 8
1160 No further snuggly wugglies your honor. 1.3333 0.04927 120 84 32 4
1161 Your Honor, the defense argues a gag order is unnecessary for the witness because, well, his mouth is literally sewn shut 1.3333 0.04852 123 86 33 4
1162 Your Honor, please instruct the witness to stop being cute and just answer the question.... 1.3333 0.04988 123 87 31 5
1163 Your honor. Would please instruct the witness to stop looking so damn cute and answer the question? 1.3333 0.05521 126 94 22 10
1164 Permission to treat the witness as huggable? 1.3333 0.05120 123 88 29 6
1165 The defendant has no convictions, prior or otherwise.” 1.3333 0.05248 123 89 27 7
1166 As for this unwanted touching, did you ever explicitly give consent? 1.3333 0.05374 123 90 25 8
1167 The defense rests. 1.3333 0.05285 126 92 26 8
1168 And please describe to the court how the term crash test "dummy" makes you feel. 1.3333 0.05225 126 94 23 9
1169 Your Honor, let the record show that the witness refuses to answer the question. 1.3333 0.05204 120 86 28 6
1170 It's my support bear. What did you expect me to do; leave it at home? 1.3333 0.05040 126 90 30 6
1171 I swear it was self-defense. He almost beat the stuffing out of me. 1.3333 0.05336 120 87 26 7
1172 You knew it was illegal to be bear in public. 1.3333 0.05067 120 85 30 5
1173 OK, already, the defense has already stipulated the accused was up past her bedtime.... 1.3333 0.04847 126 91 29 6
1174 So, Winifred, may I call you Winnie? 1.3333 0.05248 123 89 27 7
1175 I object to this witness. He was clearly sleeping with the defendant. 1.3333 0.05248 123 89 27 7
1176 And, how often would the defendant ‘knock the stuffing’ out of you? 1.3333 0.05429 129 96 23 10
1177 Is it true what the nanny states that you, defendant Bear, are involved in the cover up? 1.3333 0.05248 123 89 27 7
1178 Not sure you needed to remind him of his right to remain silent … 1.3333 0.05120 123 88 29 6
1179 But Judge Barrett, we were assured you would be sympathetic 1.3333 0.05466 120 88 24 8
1180 So I put it to you, Mr. Edward Bear: you impersonated one Mr. Pooh at the woodland party, with the criminal intention of depriving said Pooh of his hunny pot! 1.3333 0.05496 123 91 23 9
1181 The accused, Christopher Robin is this big Your Honor 1.3333 0.05067 120 85 30 5
1182 Exactly where did he ask her to touch you? 1.3333 0.05067 120 85 30 5
1183 You want this jury to believe you were just cuddling with the victim? 1.3333 0.04642 123 87 32 4
1184 If you weren't involved, why did the ransom note demand "hunny"? 1.3333 0.04988 123 87 31 5
1185 I will show the court that my client is just the cutest widdle adowable mass murderer you’ll ever meet. 1.3333 0.05374 123 90 25 8
1186 Your Honor. May I treat him as a hostile wittness? 1.3333 0.05248 123 89 27 7
1187 Look, you made it onto the chair, you can swear on the goddam Bible. 1.3333 0.05616 123 92 21 10
1188 And isn't it true, Mr. Bear, that the defendant once treated you so roughly that you had to have an eye stitched back on? 1.3333 0.04713 123 85 35 3
1189 Your honor, may I approach the bench? The witness's tummy needs to be squeezed in order to respond. 1.3333 0.05374 123 90 25 8
1190 You actually have to say "I take the Fifth" 1.3333 0.05248 123 89 27 7
1191 And the porridge you ordered - was it too hot, too cold, or just right? 1.3333 0.05496 123 91 23 9
1192 I can't help but fear that his eyes are following me everywhere... 1.3333 0.04852 123 86 33 4
1193 And about how many stitches were required? 1.3333 0.04988 123 87 31 5
1194 Your honor, the witness is bearly cooperating. 1.3333 0.04988 123 87 31 5
1195 So you allege the defendant tried to take the stuffing out of you! 1.3333 0.05336 120 87 26 7
1196 Permission to approach the witness and pull his string. 1.3333 0.05466 120 88 24 8
1197 Mr. Bunky, how do you explain that your DNA test found you are stuffed with Raggedy Ann? 1.3333 0.05374 123 90 25 8
1198 His owner is in a cage at the border. 1.3333 0.05466 120 88 24 8
1199 ...and had you ever met the Berenstains before the night in question? 1.3333 0.05336 120 87 26 7
1200 Your Honor, we are waiting for an interpreter. 1.3333 0.05120 123 88 29 6
1201 Let the record show that the witness is indicating the position of the bees. 1.3333 0.05248 123 89 27 7
1202 Your Honor...this witnesses testimony has no bearing on the case ! 1.3333 0.05336 120 87 26 7
1203 And what happened after he stopped cuddling you? 1.3333 0.05404 126 93 24 9
1204 I object to this witness, Your Honor. He's been sleeping with the defendant for years. 1.3333 0.05083 129 93 29 7
1205 He’s maintained from the start, his memory is fuzzy. 1.3333 0.04852 123 86 33 4
1206 May the record reflect the witness’s cuteness. 1.3333 0.05120 123 88 29 6
1207 What happened after you were posted on Craigslist? 1.3333 0.05006 132 95 30 7
1208 I object your honor. The second amendment says nothing about arming bears. 1.3333 0.05466 120 88 24 8
1209 Sir, you must speak to invoke the Fifth Amendment. 1.3333 0.05466 120 88 24 8
1210 Counsel, there has been a serious allegation that you have slept with this witness 1.3333 0.05120 123 88 29 6
1211 Before you say anything, just know we tried really hard to get the nanny-cam out. 1.3333 0.05164 126 91 28 7
1212 Is that supposed to mean 'Who Me'? Use the microphone. 1.3333 0.04927 120 84 32 4
1213 I’m sorry, I thought this was kangaroo court. 1.3333 0.05374 123 90 25 8
1214 So the defense had to pull strings to get you to testify. 1.3333 0.04927 120 84 32 4
1215 So your telling me and the jury, that your relationship was based on security and loneliness? 1.3333 0.05120 123 88 29 6
1216 Is the BabyCam admissible? 1.3333 0.05466 120 88 24 8
1217 Your honor, what the witness is saying is unbearable 1.3333 0.05285 126 92 26 8
1218 ‘Just admit it, you’re smuggling ballots.’ 1.3333 0.05496 123 91 23 9
1219 You need to raise only one hand when swearing to tell the truth. 1.3308 0.05088 133 97 28 8
1220 Permission to snuggle the witness, Your Honor? 1.3308 0.04931 130 93 31 6
1221 Now, show us on the old lady where the little boy touched you. 1.3308 0.04931 130 93 31 6
1222 I'm stuffed. Guilty as charged. 1.3307 0.04880 127 90 32 5
1223 Can you show the jury where the Defendant squeezed you? 1.3307 0.05130 127 92 28 7
1224 For the record, did you or did you not sleep with the defendant? 1.3306 0.04821 124 87 33 4
1225 Can you show us where the little girl touched you? 1.3306 0.05337 124 91 25 8
1226 Your Honor, the witness appears to have his mouth sewn shut. 1.3306 0.05085 124 89 29 6
1227 Mr. Pop A. Bear, please answer the question...did you in fact eat all the porridge then try to pin it on the defendant, Miss Goldilocks? 1.3306 0.05577 124 93 21 10
1228 Point on this human doll to where he touched you. 1.3306 0.05337 124 91 25 8
1229 With all due respect your honor, your'e the poopy head. 1.3306 0.05337 124 91 25 8
1230 And are you confident, Sir, that the assailant was indeed wearing pyjamas? 1.3306 0.04821 124 87 33 4
1231 I request that I be able to treat Mr. Cuddles as a hostile witness, Your Honor. 1.3306 0.05085 124 89 29 6
1232 Your honor, a brief recess please? The defendant needs a hug. 1.3306 0.05085 124 89 29 6
1233 Bear with me for a moment, your honour. 1.3306 0.05337 124 91 25 8
1234 No, you cannot plead cute 1.3306 0.05213 124 90 27 7
1235 One more minute, Your Honor, bear with me. 1.3306 0.05168 121 87 28 6
1236 Your honour, could the witness specify what they mean by 'just right?'" 1.3306 0.05299 121 88 26 7
1237 Your Honor, the defendant is being adorable again. 1.3306 0.05299 121 88 26 7
1238 Please point to where the defendant touched you. 1.3306 0.05168 121 87 28 6
1239 Your honor, please let the record show that this is a docile witness. 1.3306 0.05168 121 87 28 6
1240 Were you or were you not the last one to be seen with the Toby's binkie?" 1.3306 0.05553 121 90 22 9
1241 Objection! Sentimentalising. 1.3306 0.05299 121 88 26 7
1242 For the tenth time, yes, I will be your friend. Now answer my question. 1.3306 0.04894 121 85 32 4
1243 Just answer the question, and don't call me HONEY. 1.3306 0.05299 121 88 26 7
1244 No one said anything about a dress code. 1.3306 0.05168 121 87 28 6
1245 ...and then he threw me into the corner! 1.3306 0.05033 121 86 30 5
1246 Your honor, my client was in bed, cuddling, and no where near a picnic on the day in question. 1.3306 0.05299 121 88 26 7
1247 Your Honor, my client requests a recess because he has to go THIS MUCH. 1.3306 0.05168 121 87 28 6
1248 Your Honor, I'd like to request a 30-minute recess so that I may nap with the witness. 1.3306 0.05168 121 87 28 6
1249 No need for a 30 minute lunch recess. I'm already stuffed. 1.3306 0.05299 121 88 26 7
1250 Ok, let me get this straight... so your story is that you were having a picnic? 1.3306 0.05299 121 88 26 7
1251 I'm here to bear witness 1.3306 0.05033 121 86 30 5
1252 Permission to treat the witness as Ruth Bear Ginsberg? 1.3306 0.05553 121 90 22 9
1253 Of course he ate the Thanksgiving dinner, your honor, he's full of stuffing! 1.3306 0.05033 121 86 30 5
1254 Your honor, my client was simply exercising his right to bear arms 1.3306 0.05676 121 91 20 10
1255 This sad individual bears witness to the danger of having children 1.3306 0.05168 121 87 28 6
1256 My client would like the court to know how eager he is to put this case to bed 1.3306 0.04894 121 85 32 4
1257 I remind you counselor, that every defendant has the right to remain silent under the Fifth Amendment 1.3306 0.05033 121 86 30 5
1258 Then how do you explain your polyester stuffing in the deceased's mouth?! 1.3305 0.05254 118 85 27 6
1259 Your honor, I submit that my witness, Ted E. Bear is not only credible but warm and furry. 1.3305 0.05523 118 87 23 8
1260 Permission to treat the witness as smooshy smooshy cuddle fluff cutie-pie? 1.3305 0.05652 118 88 21 9
1261 Your Honor, my client pleads not guilty by reason of inanity. 1.3305 0.05390 118 86 25 7
1262 If it please the court, may I hug the witness? 1.3305 0.04971 118 83 31 4
1263 Bear with us your honor, the witness has never testified in court before.” 1.3305 0.05114 118 84 29 5
1264 When was the last time you saw Goldie Locks? 1.3305 0.04971 118 83 31 4
1265 Being cute is not an alibi. 1.3305 0.04971 118 83 31 4
1266 I don't care who ate your porridge! 1.3305 0.05114 118 84 29 5
1267 Are you refusing to bear witness? 1.3305 0.05114 118 84 29 5
1268 Please ask your client to desist from repeating “Hands up! Don’t shoot!! He’s only charged with stealing a pot of honey. 1.3305 0.05390 118 86 25 7
1269 Drawing on the Goldilocks Principle, Your Honor, our case is neither too simple nor too complicated. It's just right. 1.3305 0.05523 118 87 23 8
1270 The jury have requested milk and cookies. 1.3305 0.04971 118 83 31 4
1271 Your Honor, the Defendant is untrustworthy. His smile is merely a well-manufactured facade. And his plush chest is literally heartless. 1.3305 0.05390 118 86 25 7
1272 It's called "omerta", Your Honor. Do I have your permission to treat the witness as hostile? 1.3305 0.05254 118 85 27 6
1273 I just need a little hug. 1.3305 0.05254 118 85 27 6
1274 All of the cabinet members refused to testify in person 1.3305 0.05114 118 84 29 5
1275 Your Honor, may I approach and hug the witness? 1.3305 0.04670 118 81 35 2
1276 'Counselor, just grin and bear it." 1.3305 0.05390 118 86 25 7
1277 Your honor, may it please the court, the SNUGGLE is real. 1.3305 0.05390 118 86 25 7
1278 In fact, Mr. Wuzzy, you wasn't fuzzy -- was you? 1.3305 0.05390 118 86 25 7
1279 Your Honor, permission to treat this teddy bear as hostile. 1.3305 0.04971 118 83 30 4
1280 Enough of your bearsplaining--just the facts, sir! 1.3305 0.05254 118 85 27 6
1281 Another recess? 1.3305 0.05114 118 84 29 5
1282 Your honor, if he is too cute, you cannot prosecute. 1.3305 0.05114 118 84 29 5
1283 Anyone in the courtroom speak squeaker? 1.3305 0.04971 118 83 31 4
1284 In closing, don't do the crime if you can't do the bedtime. I rest my case. 1.3305 0.05114 118 84 29 5
1285 Bear with me. 1.3305 0.05254 118 85 27 6
1286 Your honor, I feel I must point out that the witness's eyes are really just buttons. 1.3305 0.04823 118 82 33 3
1287 'He reserves his right to stay silent, your Honour'. 1.3305 0.05523 118 87 23 8
1288 Only the right paw for the oath, please. 1.3305 0.05114 118 84 29 5
1289 And just what were you doing under the bed on the night of January 24th? 1.3305 0.05114 118 84 29 5
1290 Your Honor, my next witness will require a certified interpreter of silence. 1.3305 0.05390 118 86 25 7
1291 No Prosecutor, you may not hug the Defendant. 1.3305 0.05390 118 86 25 7
1292 Would it be fair to say that,if I went down in the woods today,I would be in for an alleged surprise? 1.3305 0.04971 118 83 31 4
1293 Well, anyway, I heard it. He says my client's not guilty. 1.3305 0.05254 118 85 27 6
1294 The witness is speechless. 1.3305 0.05114 118 84 29 5
1295 Your Honor, The defense rests - with Mr.Cuddles!" 1.3305 0.04971 118 83 31 4
1296 Your honor, would you mind closing your eyes so the witness can come to life and testify? 1.3305 0.05652 118 88 21 9
1297 Need I remind you, Teddy, that you are under oath? 1.3301 0.05917 103 76 20 7
1298 I was in the airport gift shop, and the guy who bought me shoved coke up my butt . 1.3301 0.05917 103 76 20 7
1299 Your alibi is you were in bed? In bed with whom? 1.3287 0.04839 143 104 31 8
1300 Taking “bear witness” literally! 1.3281 0.05216 128 94 26 8
1301 Let it be known by the court that the bear is indicating he loves the judge 'this much'. 1.3280 0.05178 125 91 27 7
1302 And I thought the political puppets were just the Supreme Court Judges! 1.3279 0.04999 122 87 30 5
1303 The baby bear says he didn’t do it. It was the little girl with the gold colored hair who did it. 1.3279 0.05390 122 90 24 8
1304 Your honor, there’s no way he caught a fish that big, he can’t even hold a fishing pole. 1.3279 0.05390 122 90 24 8
1305 Badgering the witness? Look again. 1.3279 0.04999 122 87 30 5
1306 This court deserves more than the bear facts 1.3279 0.05132 122 88 28 6
1307 Your Honor, I believe this witness is a bear-faced liar! 1.3279 0.05390 122 90 24 8
1308 I ask to have Mr. Cuddles declared a hostile witness. 1.3279 0.05263 122 89 26 7
1309 My client pleads not guilty to the charge of honey laundering 1.3279 0.04999 122 87 30 5
1310 We found her sleeping in my bed. She had eaten all my porridge and broke my chair. When she saw us, she ran out, and we never saw her again. 1.3279 0.05390 122 90 24 8
1311 I’m establishing a pattern of abandonment. The defendant hasn’t played with Mr. Snuggles in 29 years! 1.3279 0.05263 122 89 26 7
1312 ‘If it would please the court, can you show me Baby Bear exactly where Goldilocks touched you?’ 1.3279 0.05636 122 92 20 10
1313 You are hereby sentenced to 40 hugs 1.3279 0.05132 122 88 28 6
1314 I must recuse myself, your honor. Teddy and I had a rather intimate relationship many years ago. 1.3277 0.05352 119 87 25 7
1315 The witness and his testimony are both threadbare 1.3277 0.05079 119 85 29 5
1316 Ms. Goldilocks' visit is more motive than alibi. 1.3277 0.05352 119 87 25 7
1317 There’s no such thing as the right to arm bears. 1.3277 0.05217 119 86 27 6
1318 You said I had the right to bear witness 1.3277 0.04790 119 83 33 3
1319 J’accuse, Mr. Snuggles, J’accuse! 1.3277 0.05217 119 86 27 6
1320 Your honor, I would like to advise the court that the witness is a teddy bear, not our witness Theodore Bear. 1.3277 0.05612 119 89 21 9
1321 Permission to treat Mr. Bear as a cuddly witness? 1.3277 0.05217 119 86 27 6
1322 Counselor, you are not allowed to badger a bear. 1.3277 0.05217 119 86 27 6
1323 Can you show us on this child where they touched you? 1.3277 0.05217 119 86 27 6
1324 He’s full of fluff, your honor 1.3277 0.05079 119 85 29 5
1325 Your Honor; Permission to sleep with the witness-- 1.3277 0.05217 119 86 27 6
1326 Did you, or did you not, go into the woods, that day? 1.3277 0.04936 119 84 31 4
1327 When was the last time you saw Gummy? 1.3277 0.05217 119 86 27 6
1328 Let the record show that the answer was non responsive. 1.3277 0.05079 119 85 29 5
1329 Your Honor, my client requests a recess. 1.3277 0.05079 119 85 29 5
1330 Were you at the scene, or did you go back to your crib? 1.3277 0.04936 119 84 31 4
1331 The defense cannot rest without a teddy bear. 1.3277 0.05079 119 85 29 5
1332 Your Honor, the eyewitness is clearly all fluff and no substance. 1.3277 0.04936 119 84 31 4
1333 He is here to bear witness 1.3277 0.05352 119 87 25 7
1334 Your honor, please bear with us. 1.3276 0.05162 116 83 28 5
1335 I said raise just your RIGHT hand. 1.3276 0.05015 116 82 30 4
1336 I'm cute" is irrelevant 1.3276 0.05162 116 83 28 5
1337 Your honor, before I question the witness, your son told me to tell you, he did, indeed, steal the cookie from the cookie jar. 1.3276 0.05306 116 84 26 6
1338 What can I say, Your Honor? The porridge was just right. 1.3276 0.05015 116 82 30 4
1339 Stuff it Counsel 1.3276 0.05015 116 82 30 4
1340 Your Honor, wouldn’t he need to be able to count to five before pleading the Fifth? 1.3276 0.05162 116 83 28 5
1341 Your Honor, the evidence will show that the defendant did indeed shit in the woods. 1.3276 0.05015 116 82 30 4
1342 Can I please hug the witness? 1.3276 0.05581 116 86 22 8
1343 Your Honor, counsel seeks permission to snuggle the witness. 1.3276 0.05162 116 83 28 5
1344 Tell the truth, where is Goldilocks? 1.3276 0.05015 116 82 30 4
1345 Your responsibility to bear witness, truthfully, in this case is very serious. 1.3276 0.04863 116 81 32 3
1346 It was not Mr. Binky who chose to use the good china at the tea party. 1.3276 0.05306 116 84 26 6
1347 So. How long after Annie placed you under her bed did you realize that she was not coming back for you? 1.3276 0.05306 116 84 26 6
1348 Teddy says he’ll go to the Supreme Court; unclear why 1.3276 0.05306 116 84 26 6
1349 So when the defendant, Miss Goldilocks, came in to take your food and bed, what exactly did you do? 1.3276 0.05581 116 86 22 8
1350 This is the witness? Why am I surprised, it is 2020 after all. 1.3276 0.05445 116 85 24 7
1351 Permission to press the witness, your honour? I like how it sings a lullaby 1.3276 0.05306 116 84 26 6
1352 He just shows up with that blank look and beady eyes. 1.3276 0.05306 116 84 26 6
1353 I had more questions, but I now feel like the defense should rest. 1.3276 0.05445 116 85 24 7
1354 Your Honor, I ask you find the witness uncooperative and overstuffed. 1.3267 0.05648 101 73 23 5
1355 Your Honor, gesturing "beats me" over and over in no way directly responds to my cross-examination. 1.3267 0.05470 101 72 25 4
1356 You're right. As a witness chair it does smack of preferential treatment. 1.3267 0.05821 101 74 21 6
1357 The bear... the bear... why must the election come down to the bear?... 1.3267 0.05286 101 71 27 3
1358 Your Honor, I object to the defendant having his diaper changed on the prosecution table. 1.3267 0.05470 101 72 25 4
1359 Objection, Your Honor, the witness cannot demand a bear hug after answering each question. 1.3267 0.05286 101 71 27 3
1360 And you say you colored in the map with purple not to confuse the election results but because you wish people would all love each other as much as they love you? 1.3267 0.05470 101 72 25 4
1361 Show the court, on yourself, where the defendant touched you. 1.3267 0.05648 101 73 23 5
1362 Excuse me your Honor, but you can’t dismiss the witness just because you find him unbearable 1.3267 0.05648 101 73 23 5
1363 Your Honor, the witness needs his service child. 1.3256 0.05521 129 98 20 11
1364 43 years together and still no commitment. 1.3254 0.05384 126 94 23 9
1365 The jury is to disregard that last Roosevelt reference! 1.3254 0.04890 126 90 31 5
1366 ... and on top of all that, your witness isn’t wearing pants. 1.3252 0.04689 123 86 34 3
1367 Your honor, the defense requests a nappy-time break with the witness. 1.3252 0.04689 123 86 34 3
1368 But your honor, the cat really did get his tongue! 1.3252 0.05097 123 89 28 6
1369 But your honor. I believe I’m due a certain latitude with an obvious hostile witnesses who bearly answers my questions. 1.3252 0.05097 123 89 28 6
1370 Request permission to snuggle the witness, Your Honor. 1.3252 0.04829 123 87 32 4
1371 Objection,your Honor,Bearsay! 1.3252 0.05353 123 91 24 8
1372 Objection,Your Honor. That’s Bearsay. 1.3252 0.05596 123 93 20 10
1373 Your honor I agree the case should be in Juvenile Court but he insists on being tried as an adult. 1.3252 0.05353 123 91 24 8
1374 It wasn’t Teddies fault. Alexa made him do it. 1.3252 0.05353 123 91 24 8
1375 No further questions, your Honor. And now we’d like to call to the stand, Mr. Nooky Blanky. 1.3252 0.04829 123 87 32 4
1376 Show me on yourself where the defendant touched you. 1.3250 0.04608 120 83 35 2
1377 I have here your Honor, a written apology for eating all of the Plaintiff's porridge. 1.3250 0.05044 120 86 29 5
1378 If it please the court, your Honor, the witness needs a time out for big hug. 1.3250 0.05571 120 90 21 9
1379 Your honor, my client is taking the Fifth because he is not able to speak about anything. 1.3250 0.05044 120 86 29 5
1380 The honey is missing and the witness shows no emotion and refuses to answer any questions. I rest my case. 1.3250 0.05181 120 87 27 6
1381 Did you, or did you not, sleep with her? 1.3250 0.05444 120 89 23 8
1382 I did not give my consent to the hug 1.3250 0.05044 120 86 29 5
1383 Your Honor, would you please direct the witness to refrain from being so cute. 1.3250 0.05044 120 86 29 5
1384 So, how long have you worked for the Berenstain’s? 1.3250 0.05181 120 87 27 6
1385 For the record, would the witness please state its country of manufacture? 1.3248 0.05268 117 85 26 6
1386 Counselor, you are coddling the witness. 1.3248 0.04980 117 83 30 4
1387 Where were you on the day of the Teddy Bear's Picnic? 1.3248 0.05268 117 85 26 6
1388 And can anyone else confirm that you were in the woods having a picnic, on the day in question? 1.3248 0.05126 117 84 28 5
1389 Don't make me pull some strings to get an answer out of you. 1.3248 0.05406 117 86 24 7
1390 Counsel, you are badgering the bear. 1.3248 0.05126 117 84 28 5
1391 Oh, he knows exactly what happened. 1.3248 0.05268 117 85 26 6
1392 While I understand I have the right to bear arms, I would also appreciate some elbows. 1.3248 0.05126 117 84 28 5
1393 Your Honor, the witness is being insufferably cute. 1.3248 0.05268 117 85 26 6
1394 And so you found the hugging to be inappropiate? 1.3248 0.05126 117 84 28 5
1395 No bathroom breaks. Endless shifts. We called it Build-A-Bear Sweatshop. 1.3248 0.05126 117 84 28 5
1396 How would you describe your security role, working for the president? 1.3248 0.05268 117 85 26 6
1397 The witness demands a snuggle, your honor. 1.3248 0.05268 117 85 26 6
1398 With this witness unable to speak, he has obviously suffered some trauma. Let's break for milk and cookies. and reconvene in 20 minutes 1.3248 0.05126 117 84 28 5
1399 No your honor this will not be a TED talk. 1.3248 0.05540 117 87 22 8
1400 And what, Mr. Bear, did they find in the woods that day? 1.3248 0.05126 117 84 28 5
1401 Your honor, the defendant was found stuffing ballots in Pennsylvania 1.3248 0.05926 117 90 16 11
1402 Did you or did you not tell Lillian to put you in the toilet? 1.3248 0.05406 117 86 24 7
1403 But your Honor, Mr Teddy IS a registered voter 1.3248 0.05800 117 89 18 10
1404 who the f&*k's bear is this? 1.3248 0.05126 117 84 28 5
1405 Your Honor, permission to treat him as a hostile witness? 1.3246 0.05502 114 84 23 7
1406 Your honor, I request a recess 1.3246 0.05359 114 83 25 6
1407 Which book should he put his paw on? 1.3246 0.05359 114 83 25 6
1408 Your honor, the witness refuses to speak 1.3246 0.05212 114 82 27 5
1409 I don't even have a bladder, so, I think we know who did it! 1.3246 0.04905 114 80 31 3
1410 Tell the court how your desire to become a real bear led you into the woods. 1.3246 0.05641 114 85 21 8
1411 Eyewitnesses place the suspect near the cookie jar at the time of the cookie caper 1.3246 0.05502 114 84 23 7
1412 Another plaintiff for illegal votes? I cannot bear this? 1.3246 0.05502 114 84 23 7
1413 Teddy Graham is not your real name, 1.3239 0.07170 71 53 13 5
1414 Did you take the fifth? 1.3232 0.05529 99 71 24 4
1415 I take that to mean you are not aware of where Mr. Trump was that night? 1.3232 0.06062 99 74 18 7
1416 So you really think 'cuddly' is an excuse to get by with anything? 1.3232 0.05890 99 73 20 6
1417 Can you tell the court where, exactly, she touched you? 1.3232 0.05529 99 71 24 4
1418 And where were you on the night of...oh, never mind. 1.3232 0.05142 99 69 28 2
1419 Let the record show the witness says the defendant was quite anxious the night of the 3rd--in fact, 'vewy vewy newvous' that night. 1.3232 0.05890 99 73 20 6
1420 , “sorry, no, teddy bear to client privilege is not a thing” 1.3232 0.05712 99 72 22 5
1421 This line of questioning is simply unbearable 1.3232 0.05712 99 72 22 5
1422 You can’t handle the honey. 1.3229 0.06014 96 71 19 6
1423 Your Honor, in this case "pillow talk" should be admissible. 1.3228 0.04455 127 88 37 2
1424 Don't lie to me, or I'll knock the stuffing out of you. 1.3228 0.05230 127 94 25 8
1425 So Teddy, did you witness the wolf's crimes? Defense claims hearsay... that it's just a story you overheard. 1.3226 0.05953 93 68 20 5
1426 Your honor, this witness is ready to testify he saw the defendant put chewing gum in his sister's hair. 1.3223 0.05145 121 88 27 6
1427 Do you think society will let us have a real trial anytime soon? 1.3223 0.05655 121 92 19 10
1428 May I cuddle the witness, Your Honor? 1.3220 0.05090 118 85 28 5
1429 If you go down to the woods today you're sure of a big surprise, your honor. 1.3220 0.05500 118 88 22 8
1430 My first witness is speechless! 1.3220 0.05367 118 87 24 7
1431 So, you admit to helping take that nap? 1.3220 0.05230 118 86 26 6
1432 I'll ask just one more time. Where were you the day of the picnic. 1.3220 0.05500 118 88 22 8
1433 The ICE agents beat the stuffing out of you and then what happened? 1.3220 0.05630 118 89 20 9
1434 I object to this level of cuteness, your honor. 1.3220 0.05367 118 87 24 7
1435 So you deny being at the picnic in the woods? 1.3220 0.04945 118 84 30 4
1436 When we say you have the right to bear arms, this is not what we mean. 1.3220 0.05090 118 85 28 5
1437 Objection, Your Honor. This testimony is in material. 1.3220 0.05367 118 87 24 7
1438 Show us on the human where he touched you. 1.3220 0.05367 118 87 24 7
1439 My client is innocent! Just look at him. 1.3220 0.05230 118 86 26 6
1440 For how long have you been undercover? 1.3220 0.05230 118 86 26 6
1441 Your Honor, the defendant says Donald threw him on the floor and stomped on him when the vote counts were announced. I find that to be unbearable! 1.3220 0.05630 118 89 20 9
1442 Unbearable. 1.3220 0.05230 118 86 26 6
1443 And is that rabbit in the courtroom now? 1.3220 0.05367 118 87 24 7
1444 He hasn’t said a word. He’s clearly in shock. 1.3220 0.05500 118 88 22 8
1445 Permission to cuddle, your Honor. 1.3217 0.05024 115 82 29 4
1446 Your honor, I have information that his real name isn't even Teddy. 1.3217 0.05024 115 82 29 4
1447 Your Honor, bear with me. This witness needs to be handled with care. 1.3217 0.04870 115 81 31 3
1448 Let the record reflect that the witness is dumbfounded. 1.3217 0.04870 115 81 31 3
1449 Your honor, may I have permission to treat Pookie as a hostile witness? 1.3217 0.05319 115 84 25 6
1450 If your honor would please direct the witness to answer the question. This isn't a Senate hearing - "I don't remember" is not an answer. 1.3217 0.05599 115 86 21 8
1451 Let me get this straight. You were having a "cuddly-wuddly snoozy-woozy" at the time the crime was committed? 1.3217 0.05024 115 82 29 4
1452 Can you reunite my deported client with his Teddy bear? 1.3217 0.05599 115 86 21 8
1453 Mr. Cuddles, can you identify the person who squeezed you? 1.3217 0.05024 115 82 29 4
1454 Please be a little more specific about the assault than just saying he beat the stuffing out of you. 1.3217 0.05319 115 84 25 6
1455 Are you the Mr. Bear who organized this very large picnic gathering where there was no social distancing an no one was wearing a mask? 1.3217 0.05319 115 84 25 6
1456 ...so, do we have the post-picnic breathalyzer test results from all the attendees? 1.3217 0.05319 115 84 25 6
1457 Tell the jury where the child touched you. 1.3217 0.05461 115 85 23 7
1458 So you say the defendant beat the stuffing out of you? 1.3217 0.05461 115 85 23 7
1459 When did you first notice the button in your ear was missing? 1.3217 0.05733 115 87 19 9
1460 ...and did you give your consent before you were hugged? 1.3217 0.05174 115 83 27 5
1461 You are guilty of letting someone hug you during a pandemic! 1.3217 0.05174 115 83 27 5
1462 Do you really expect this court to believe that you slept thru the entire winter and therefore couldn’t possibly have been at the scene of the crime? 1.3217 0.04870 115 81 31 3
1463 And did you mail in your ballot, or drop it off at the clerk's office? 1.3217 0.05461 115 85 23 7
1464 Your honor, I ask that you direct the witness to answer the question! 1.3217 0.05174 115 83 27 5
1465 You have no Second Amendment rights. It is the right to bear arms. Not the right to arm bears. 1.3217 0.05319 115 84 25 6
1466 Your Honor, his memory is just as fuzzy as his face. 1.3217 0.05174 115 83 27 5
1467 Without losing my remaining arm, Your Honor, may I crossexamine the witness as hostile? 1.3217 0.05461 115 85 23 7
1468 Your honor, I must ask your forbearance. 1.3217 0.05174 115 83 27 5
1469 Your honor, I'd like to treat Mr Bear as a docile witness 1.3217 0.05319 115 84 25 6
1470 OK, Teddy, stop being cute and tell us where Goldilocks is. 1.3217 0.05174 115 83 27 5
1471 And where was Christopher Robin on the night of October 31? 1.3214 0.05413 112 82 24 6
1472 Your honor, permission to treat the bear as a hostile - but very cute - witness... 1.3214 0.05413 112 82 24 6
1473 Your honor, I’m simply trying to bear witness to the crime. 1.3214 0.05413 112 82 24 6
1474 Your honor, this witness could not have completely seen what happened that night. His button eyes are missing some threads. 1.3214 0.04947 112 79 30 3
1475 Permission to treat the witness as gender-neutral? 1.3214 0.05413 112 82 24 6
1476 I have nothing more for this witness your honor. I’d like to call Mr. Quacks to the stand. 1.3214 0.04782 112 78 32 2
1477 Let the record show the witness has been uncoöperative yet adorable 1.3214 0.05560 112 83 22 7
1478 Permission to treat the witness as irresistibly cuddly? 1.3214 0.05413 112 82 24 6
1479 So then what does “bear witness” mean, Your Honor? 1.3214 0.04782 112 78 32 2
1480 My client’s right to bear arms is being infringed. 1.3214 0.05262 112 81 26 5
1481 He wants to be traded to Chicago rather than the Jets. He thinks that it would be a better fit. 1.3214 0.05560 112 83 22 7
1482 In your expert opinion, Mr. Snuggie, what's it like when someone tries to kill you with kindness? 1.3214 0.05107 112 80 28 4
1483 Exactly how hot was this "scalding" porridge? 1.3214 0.05413 112 82 24 6
1484 Teddy, Giuliani has identified you as a conspirator involved in the stuffing incident. You can't be silent forever!" 1.3214 0.05703 112 84 20 8
1485 I plead the fifth...and the second. 1.3214 0.05262 112 81 26 5
1486 Felony cookie theft is a serious crime. Acting cute and cuddly is not an acceptable defense. 1.3214 0.05107 112 80 28 4
1487 Your honor,the witness is unresponsive. 1.3214 0.05703 112 84 20 8
1488 He may not be a hostile witness, but he is stuffy. 1.3214 0.04947 112 79 30 3
1489 Did you or did you not cast an illegal ballot? 1.3214 0.05262 112 81 26 5
1490 From your angle inside the dryer, could you could see that he did not select permanent press? 1.3214 0.05107 112 80 28 4
1491 Permission to treat this witness as cuddly and adorable, your honor? 1.3214 0.05842 112 85 18 9
1492 Your honor - permission to treat the witness as textile. 1.3197 0.05492 122 92 21 9
1493 Yes, I know you are sooooo big. Just answer the question. 1.3197 0.04837 122 87 31 4
1494 To clear things up,are you registered to vote as Teddy Bear or Ted E. Bear? 1.3197 0.04837 122 87 31 4
1495 Your Honor, I don't care how cute he is, you are obligated to declare him a hostile witness. 1.3197 0.04975 122 88 29 5
1496 Your honor, this witness just rests. 1.3194 0.06802 72 53 15 4
1497 Your Honor, my client may be a snuggler, but he's not a smuggler. 1.3193 0.05193 119 87 26 6
1498 Your Honor, permission to treat this cuddly little guy as a hostile witness 1.3193 0.05328 119 88 24 7
1499 Do you prefer Teddy or Theodore? 1.3193 0.05328 119 88 24 7
1500 Isn't it true that, unassisted, you ate all the porridge yourself? 1.3193 0.05328 119 88 24 7
1501 Permission to treat the witness as cuddly. 1.3190 0.04989 116 83 29 4
1502 Who is this court to deny my client's right to bear witness? 1.3190 0.04989 116 83 29 4
1503 Your honor, permission to treat the witness as really cuddly. 1.3190 0.05421 116 86 23 7
1504 Don't you understand, Teddy would never shoplift the supermarket, he's already stuffed. 1.3190 0.05557 116 87 21 8
1505 Your Honor, permission to hug the witness tightly and cry for my mommy 1.3190 0.05557 116 87 21 8
1506 ...so when refused to go to bed with her, she said she'd knock your stuffing out? 1.3190 0.04989 116 83 29 4
1507 When you went down in the woods to play, what WAS the big surprise? 1.3190 0.05557 116 87 21 8
1508 He won’t lower his right hand. 1.3190 0.05691 116 88 19 9
1509 Your honor, the witness requests a booster seat. 1.3190 0.04678 116 81 33 2
1510 Your honor, I object to this witness's obvious attempts to be cute. 1.3190 0.05421 116 86 23 7
1511 Your Honor, if you would allow me to just squeeze his paw one more time I think we’ll get the answer we’re looking for. 1.3190 0.05421 116 86 23 7
1512 What do you object to? All I said "was Bear with me". 1.3190 0.05421 116 86 23 7
1513 We know you stole the honey jar! 1.3190 0.05281 116 85 25 6
1514 Fuzzy Wuzzy was not a bear, at all. 1.3190 0.05421 116 86 23 7
1515 As you can see, Your Honor, Mr. Wiggles loved the victim “this much”. 1.3190 0.04989 116 83 29 4
1516 So did you or did you not comply with the arresting officer’s request “Keep your hands above your head where I can see them”? 1.3187 0.06028 91 67 19 5
1517 Show me where the defendant touched you. 1.3186 0.04912 113 80 30 3
1518 You asked for someone who could bear witness. 1.3186 0.05223 113 82 26 5
1519 He was in the room when it happened! Press the belly button to talk! 1.3186 0.05070 113 81 28 4
1520 Teddy, please tell the Court why you oppose the Administration’s proposal to remove the King Salmon from the endangered species list. 1.3186 0.05373 113 83 24 6
1521 I'm sorry but you're confusing the fifth amendment with the second amendment's right to bear arms. 1.3186 0.05373 113 83 24 6
1522 Your honor I apologize for my client. He thought it was casual Friday" 1.3186 0.04912 113 80 30 3
1523 Requesting permission to approach and cuddle the witness. 1.3186 0.05223 113 82 26 5
1524 We are not buying this “other side of the mountain” story. What did you really see. 1.3186 0.05659 113 85 20 8
1525 Let the record show my client has indicated the defendant as the person who dropped him out of the bedroom window. 1.3186 0.05070 113 81 28 4
1526 Your honor, I offer Mr. Teddy Bear as an expert in the fields of cuddling and tea parties. 1.3186 0.05070 113 81 28 4
1527 Not answering whether he slept with the victim for years is an admission, Your Honor, not a denial. 1.3182 0.05155 110 79 27 4
1528 May I press his belly so he may respond? 1.3182 0.05155 110 79 27 4
1529 And can you point to the person who threw you over for the stuffed giraffe? 1.3182 0.05314 110 80 25 5
1530 Your honor I ask that the witness be declared as hostile for refusing to answer. 1.3182 0.05155 110 79 27 4
1531 Can anyone corroborate that you were in hibernation at the time of the crime? 1.3182 0.05314 110 80 25 5
1532 Your honor, I find this witness’s refusal to answer to be unbearable. 1.3182 0.05909 110 84 17 9
1533 Your Honor, I feel I must recuse myself from the case due to my past relations with the witness. For the record, we have slept together.” Jessica Meth, Larchmont, New York 1.3182 0.05469 110 81 23 6
1534 Don't let his innocence fool you, your Honor. He's a known pedophile. 1.3182 0.05469 110 81 23 6
1535 Yes, Your Honor, I'll stop badgering the bear. 1.3182 0.05155 110 79 27 4
1536 My apologies. From now on I’ll refer to you as “Theodore”. 1.3182 0.05469 110 81 23 6
1537 Your honor, even if meant to be private within a deeply emotional relationship, the defendant’s communications to the witness are not privileged. 1.3182 0.05620 110 82 21 7
1538 To answer your question with another question: Is the Pope Catholic? 1.3182 0.05314 110 80 25 5
1539 Let the record show that the witness refused to answer the question. 1.3182 0.05620 110 82 21 7
1540 So, on the evening of June 13th, what were you doing in the woods? 1.3162 0.04953 117 84 29 4
1541 Judge, it is the only impartial witness I could find in the world today!" 1.3162 0.04953 117 84 29 4
1542 Your Honor, please instruct the witness not to answer every question with "wheeee!" 1.3162 0.05100 117 85 27 5
1543 The plaintiff is claiming abandonment, after five years of sharing the defendant's bed. 1.3162 0.05100 117 85 27 5
1544 Is there a problem with my first witness also being evidence? 1.3162 0.05381 117 87 23 7
1545 This is not what I had in mind when I allowed you to call a character witness. 1.3162 0.05081 136 102 25 9
1546 Seriously, he's pleading the Fluff Amendment? 1.3158 0.05476 114 85 22 7
1547 Permission to treat the witness as adorable? 1.3158 0.05185 114 83 26 5
1548 Will your witness require an Interpreter? 1.3158 0.05033 114 82 28 4
1549 Are you sure sending him to the daycare is the right decision? 1.3158 0.05185 114 83 26 5
1550 We request an immediate transfer to Juvenile Court. 1.3158 0.04631 114 82 29 3
1551 And then, after this little piggy went to market ? 1.3158 0.05185 114 83 26 5
1552 Tell us again how the defendant knocked the stuffing out of you. 1.3158 0.05033 114 82 28 4
1553 Your Honor, please inform the witness, I was NOT being sexist when I referred to it as "Doll". 1.3158 0.05185 114 83 26 5
1554 No further cross-stitches, your honor. 1.3158 0.05476 114 85 22 7
1555 We did; but it's not what you think 1.3158 0.05033 114 87 20 7
1556 this trial is a fraud. I must have a jury of my peers 1.3154 0.05009 130 96 27 7
1557 If the fur doesn’t fit, you must acquit! 1.3154 0.05241 130 98 23 9
1558 And do you see the dog that ripped your arm off anywhere in the courtroom, and if so, can you point him out? 1.3153 0.05576 111 83 21 7
1559 Permission to change my client's batteries your Honor. 1.3153 0.05274 111 81 25 5
1560 Hug witness to activate testimony 1.3153 0.05116 111 80 27 4
1561 Yes, your honor - Teddy pleads the 5th 1.3153 0.05427 111 82 23 6
1562 You’ll be very unhappy to know that we have hundreds of witnesses who can identify you. 1.3153 0.05427 111 82 23 6
1563 Your Honor, before I start the cross examination, may I just hug the witness? 1.3153 0.05116 111 80 27 4
1564 Your Honor, may I have permission to treat the witness as adorable? 1.3153 0.05274 111 81 25 5
1565 In my defense, I just wanted to see what kind of stuffing she had. 1.3153 0.05274 111 81 25 5
1566 Permission to pull the string coming from the witness's back. 1.3153 0.04611 111 77 33 1
1567 He's really just a big softy 1.3153 0.05116 111 80 27 4
1568 Your honor, please tell this witness to answer the question. 1.3153 0.05116 111 80 27 4
1569 Your Honor, stuffed animals can't talk. But that doesn't mean it didn't happen. 1.3153 0.05721 111 84 19 8
1570 Your Honor, my client would like to plead insanely cute. 1.3152 0.05769 92 67 21 4
1571 I can barely remember yesterday, and you're asking me about pre-hibernation? 1.3148 0.05368 108 79 24 5
1572 But not one man or woman saw you in bed at the hour of the crime? 1.3148 0.05527 108 80 22 6
1573 He claims that he was honey trapped! 1.3148 0.05035 108 77 28 3
1574 This was the prosecution's "under covers" witness? 1.3148 0.05204 108 78 26 4
1575 Most of the time I received hugs and kisses when she came home from school but these days she's acting weird like she's met another bear. 1.3148 0.05368 108 79 24 5
1576 You're not really fuzzy, are you? And remember, you are under oath. 1.3148 0.05204 108 78 26 4
1577 You think just because she was wearing a teddy that excuses your behavior? 1.3148 0.05527 108 80 22 6
1578 Objection overruled, Counsel may poke the bear. 1.3148 0.05681 108 81 20 7
1579 Mr. Bear, could you please state for the court just how long the defendant had forced you to sleep with him? 1.3148 0.05204 108 78 26 4
1580 They have the wrong bear. My client's name is T-h-e-o-d-o-r-e. 1.3137 0.05908 102 77 18 7
1581 Yes, Your Honor. This bear can bear witness to this unbearable crime. 1.3136 0.05476 118 89 21 8
1582 Where were you on the night of the Teddy Bears' Picnic? 1.3131 0.05106 99 70 27 2
1583 It’s a simple “yes” or “no” question. We’re you in the crib the night of the alleged crime? 1.3131 0.05304 99 71 25 3
1584 May it please the Court. Unless the Court would prefer flowers? 1.3131 0.05304 99 71 25 3
1585 I'm not an 'accessory' to the crime; that would be Barbie. 1.3130 0.04997 115 83 28 4
1586 Your honor, I’d like the record to show that the witness is unbearably cute. 1.3130 0.05574 115 87 20 8
1587 So it's not just bedding and chairs? You purport to be a qualified expert in porridge too? 1.3130 0.05435 115 86 22 7
1588 Mr. Pooh...., you seem surprised that Piglet, Tigger, and Eeyore all testified you've been in denial about your honey addiction for years, how do you plea! 1.3130 0.05147 115 84 26 5
1589 Your Honor, Please instruct the witness to put some pants on. 1.3130 0.05293 115 85 24 6
1590 Knowing his parade permit had lapsed, Ted pled the Fifth. 1.3130 0.04997 115 83 28 4
1591 You Honor, permission to treat the witness as hostile yet cuddly 1.3125 0.04917 112 80 29 3
1592 Sorry your Honor, if I'd known he was a flasher I wouldn't have called him. 1.3125 0.05234 112 82 25 5
1593 The defense motions a request for a court recess, milk, and cookies. 1.3125 0.05533 112 84 21 7
1594 Your honor, I'd like to request an interpreter. 1.3125 0.05234 112 82 25 5
1595 Is it in writing that she would love you the rest of her life? 1.3125 0.05078 112 81 27 4
1596 Your honor, if the witness continues to take the 5th, I suggest we move on to the next witness, Barbie. 1.3125 0.05234 112 82 25 5
1597 'Permission to treat the witness as adorable?' Andy Mathieson, Long Beach, Cali. 1.3125 0.05234 112 82 25 5
1598 Woman, man, camera, bear. 1.3125 0.05677 112 85 19 8
1599 Objection! Thou shalt not bear false witness! 1.3119 0.05164 109 79 26 4
1600 Permission to treat the witness as cute and cuddly? 1.3119 0.05483 109 81 22 6
1601 You may have kicked me out of bed, but I am selling the porridge recipe. 1.3119 0.05636 109 82 20 7
1602 Your honor, the witness is cute, but totally uncooperative. 1.3119 0.05164 109 79 26 4
1603 Your honor, I intend to pooh-pooh this witness's testimony. 1.3119 0.05326 109 80 24 5
1604 Permission to treat the witness as hostile for sewing his own mouth shut. 1.3119 0.05164 109 79 26 4
1605 Your Honor,please instruct the witness that being cute is no defense. 1.3119 0.05326 109 80 24 5
1606 For how many years have you testified as an expert on childhood affections ? 1.3119 0.05164 109 79 26 4
1607 Your Honor, Please instruct the witness to stop playing it cute with the jury and answer the question! 1.3119 0.05326 109 80 24 5
1608 Mr Steiff was credible, but he forgot his teddy.. 1.3119 0.05483 109 81 22 6
1609 Your Honor; He's adamant, no witness protection program; no testimony 1.3119 0.05326 109 80 24 5
1610 I'll ask you once more. Did you see little Johnny pee on the carpet?! Yes or No?!?! 1.3119 0.05483 109 81 22 6
1611 We stipulate what my client did in the woods. 1.3119 0.05326 109 80 24 5
1612 Sir, please tell the court what you saw happen with those 50 ballots after 7pm 1.3119 0.05785 109 83 18 8
1613 Your Honor, I don't think it'll talk until you squeeze its paw. 1.3115 0.05344 122 92 22 8
1614 Tell me. Who did you sleep with last night? 1.3115 0.04950 122 89 28 5
1615 So you claim alienation of affection because Christopher Robin cast you aside for a Barbie doll? 1.3113 0.04900 106 75 29 2
1616 Your Honor, it seems the witness refuses to answer any questions whatsoever. 1.3113 0.05254 106 77 25 4
1617 The President’s representative may not testify for him. He must appear in person. 1.3113 0.05744 106 80 19 7
1618 Did you knowingly give aid and comfort to the accused? 1.3113 0.05254 106 77 25 4
1619 Your Honor may I consult with my Hug counsel? ? 1.3113 0.05423 106 78 23 5
1620 Your honor, the defense has clearly brought fourth a puppet. 1.3113 0.05080 106 76 27 3
1621 My client suffers a daily cycle of persistent, unwelcome snuggling at the hands of the defendant. We seek full and immediate emancipation. 1.3111 0.05837 90 66 20 4
1622 Your witness needs a cuddle. 1.3109 0.05303 119 89 23 7
1623 I thought 'Teddy the Bear' was just his mafia nickname 1.3108 0.06360 74 54 17 3
1624 So, after you took over the Papa Bear chair, what did you do with the body? 1.3103 0.06397 87 66 15 6
1625 Your honor, please do not refer to the witness as, 'Your cuteness.' 1.3097 0.05491 113 85 21 7
1626 Bear in mind, your still under oath 1.3093 0.05256 97 72 21 4
1627 Your honour, my client pleads the 2nd amendment. 1.3093 0.05357 97 70 24 3
1628 Truth is more than he can bear. 1.3093 0.05554 97 71 22 4
1629 Objection, your honor. Counsel has clearly stuffed the witness. 1.3093 0.05152 97 69 26 2
1630 yes cam-bear; you did film the baby-sitter in the liquor cabinet, but who told her where the key was stashed? and how did you obtain the Squeeze bottle of Honey? 1.3093 0.05554 97 71 22 4
1631 There was no inappropriate hugging. 1.3093 0.05357 97 70 24 3
1632 Mr. Bubbles, tell us. Exactly what were you doing with all that lingerie in the clothes dryer at noon of the day in question? 1.3093 0.05928 97 73 18 6
1633 The bear knows nothing! 1.3093 0.05357 97 70 24 3
1634 Alright I'll admit it. I was the one who removed my tag 1.3093 0.05357 97 70 24 3
1635 Do you solemnly swear to tell the truth and only the truth 1.3093 0.05928 97 73 18 6
1636 If he can't swear on a copy of WINNIE-THE-POOH, he won't tell the whole truth. 1.3093 0.05152 97 69 26 2
1637 And is that nanny in the room today? 1.3093 0.05554 97 71 22 4
1638 My client has an alibi - he was at home all night with his toy giraffe. 1.3091 0.05441 110 82 22 6
1639 This may be an embearassing question, but why are you here? 1.3091 0.05441 110 82 22 6
1640 ...And just how long have you known Hunter Biden? 1.3091 0.05739 110 84 18 8
1641 I'm sorry, your honor, this Ted doesn't talk. 1.3091 0.04959 110 79 28 3
1642 Is this the only witness for the defense? 1.3091 0.05125 110 80 26 4
1643 I'm not intimidating him, your Honor. I just said his posture suggests guilt. 1.3091 0.05441 110 82 22 6
1644 Your Honor, the defendant's stuffing was found next to the body 1.3091 0.05592 110 83 20 7
1645 Your honor, the defendant's statement is all fluff! 1.3091 0.04959 110 79 28 3
1646 Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, the defendant is toying with the dignity of this court. 1.3091 0.04959 110 79 28 3
1647 Agent Bear, tell the court what your undercover operation revealed about the defendant’s nocturnal activities. 1.3091 0.05441 110 82 22 6
1648 Now did the defendant as a child abuse you? 1.3084 0.05213 107 78 25 4
1649 Your honor, please compel this witness to release its nanny cam. 1.3084 0.05379 107 79 23 5
1650 Your Honor, my client was unaware that the camera would record cookie jar misconduct. 1.3084 0.05041 107 77 27 3
1651 Your Honor, the witness is being non-responsive! Permission to cuddle the witness? 1.3084 0.04863 107 76 29 2
1652 Let the record show the witness wishes to exercise his fifth amendment rights. 1.3084 0.05541 107 80 21 6
1653 So, Teddy, do you swear that you did bear witness to all of the events described thus far in this courtroom? 1.3084 0.05041 107 77 27 3
1654 Contain your witness, counselor, or I’m putting you both in time-out. 1.3084 0.05541 107 80 21 6
1655 Isn't it true that you encouraged Timmy to remove his diaper and engage in what you have called "the art project" after you were removed from the crib and put on the shelf? 1.3084 0.05698 107 81 19 7
1656 So you gave Tommy the best years of your life and now he ignores you all the time? 1.3084 0.05213 107 78 25 4
1657 So, you're the missing Teddy Bear that caused all this murder and mayhem! 1.3084 0.05541 107 80 21 6
1658 Your honour, my client claims daily abuse on the part of the defendant. 1.3084 0.05379 107 79 23 5
1659 Mr. Bear...may I call you Teddy? 1.3084 0.05213 107 78 25 4
1660 I'm stuffed. I just could not eat Grandma's meatballs. 1.3084 0.05541 107 80 21 6
1661 The witness can't be of sound mind, your honor - she had her head ripped off 3 days ago." 1.3084 0.05041 107 77 27 3
1662 Again - I'll remind the defendent, you are under oath 1.3084 0.04863 107 76 29 2
1663 I can't imagine why he's not talking. 1.3084 0.05041 107 77 27 3
1664 Counselor, you're pandering to the witness" 1.3084 0.05379 107 79 23 5
1665 Yes, your Honor, he's definitely a material witness. 1.3084 0.05213 107 78 25 4
1666 Your honour what more do we need? The witness she’s she ate his supper, broke his chair and he caught her asleep in his bed 1.3084 0.05213 107 78 25 4
1667 Before it got out of hand, his main reason for going to the rally was to be a pacifier.' 1.3077 0.04941 104 74 28 2
1668 Let the record show that the defendant declined to answer the question of whether a bear defecates in the woods. 1.3077 0.05306 104 76 24 4
1669 In 30 years, I’ve never seen a witness so comfortable under cross-examination. 1.3077 0.05306 104 76 24 4
1670 And what did Goldilocks do next? 1.3077 0.05306 104 76 24 4
1671 I swear, the stuffing was already on the floor and my hands were up the whole time. 1.3077 0.04941 104 74 28 2
1672 My client declares abandonment, your Honour. 1.3077 0.05127 104 75 26 3
1673 So your legal name is in fact, Theodore? 1.3077 0.05306 104 76 24 4
1674 Your honor, this unregistered intruder was discovered in a voting booth! 1.3077 0.05647 104 78 20 6
1675 The teddy bear has plead the fifth. 1.3077 0.05127 104 75 26 3
1676 I'll have to press on his belly before he'll squeal. 1.3077 0.04941 104 74 28 2
1677 The witness's statement us untrue your honor. It's false bear testimony! 1.3077 0.05306 104 76 24 4
1678 no I'm sorry hot cocoa is not available at this time. 1.3077 0.05127 104 75 26 3
1679 Do you promise to bear witness truthfully? 1.3077 0.05127 104 75 26 3
1680 Might I remind you, Mr. Snugglebottoms, you are under oath. 1.3077 0.05127 104 75 26 3
1681 Your honor, permission to treat the witness as irresistibly cuddly. 1.3077 0.05306 104 76 24 4
1682 and while you were in the bed with Timmy, were you or were you not aware that he was 7? 1.3077 0.05479 104 77 22 5
1683 And did you or did you attend the teddy bear picnic? 1.3077 0.04941 104 74 28 2
1684 Tell the truth or I will knock the stuffing out of you. 1.3070 0.05449 114 86 21 7
1685 Your honor, if you’d grant my request to have someone pull the string on the bear’s back after each of my questions, I think you’d find this testimony much more compelling. 1.3069 0.05403 101 74 23 4
1686 It's a little stuffy in here, don't you think? 1.3069 0.05583 101 75 21 5
1687 So, the defendant is your main squeeze? 1.3069 0.05583 101 75 21 5
1688 It was the sole witness when the baby was thrown out with the bathwater. 1.3069 0.05403 101 74 23 4
1689 Yes, I admit it. I've slept with a lot of women. They even made a couple of movies about me. 1.3069 0.05217 101 73 25 3
1690 Oh, all right! The prosecution will stipulate that the witness is “soft and cuddly”! 1.3069 0.05023 101 72 27 2
1691 I'd like the record to show, the witness failed to disclose to the court they are sleeping with the defendant on a nightly basis. 1.3069 0.05403 101 74 23 4
1692 Mr. Teddy, when did you last see him put on his big boy pants? 1.3069 0.05403 101 74 23 4
1693 I’m not moving until all votes are counted 1.3069 0.05217 101 73 25 3
1694 And when he discovered she ate all his porridge, he just lost it. 1.3063 0.05245 111 82 24 5
1695 This emotional support teddy bear cannot testify against his owner! 1.3063 0.05086 111 81 26 4
1696 Your honor, may I approach the witness and press him to my chest? 1.3063 0.05548 111 84 20 7
1697 ... and bear in mind, you're under oath. 1.3063 0.05836 111 86 16 9
1698 Well, was it one cuddle or two? 1.3063 0.04922 111 80 28 3
1699 So Mr. Fuzzy, you say they wouldn't let you fill out a ballot for President Trump? 1.3063 0.05694 111 85 18 8
1700 You honor, he clearly does not have the right to bear arms 1.3063 0.05086 111 81 26 4
1701 Why were you under the covers on the night in question? 1.3059 0.05557 85 61 22 2
1702 Teddy always gets confused about the jargon. He’s evidence , not a witness. 1.3059 0.05803 85 62 20 3
1703 Your honor my client can't speak up... his mouth is sewn shut. 1.3059 0.06268 85 64 16 5
1704 Permission to treat the witness as soft and cuddly. 1.3059 0.05557 85 61 22 2
1705 Your honor, this teddy bear knows a lot more than it's telling us. 1.3059 0.06040 85 63 18 4
1706 No, your honor. We can prove that the bunny was the brains of the operation. 1.3059 0.06268 85 64 16 5
1707 Your honor, may the defence rest for 20 minutes? 1.3056 0.05172 108 79 25 4
1708 Let the record reflect the fact that the witness refuses to answer. 1.3056 0.05002 108 78 27 3
1709 No, “The Pooh” is a clearly registered trademark. What made you think you made it up? 1.3056 0.05172 108 79 25 4
1710 And when was the last time you remember seeing little Tommy at the cookie jar? 1.3056 0.05803 108 83 17 8
1711 I don’t believe you 1.3056 0.05652 108 82 19 7
1712 Do you deny you have been peeking out of windows all over town? 1.3056 0.05803 108 83 17 8
1713 The defense has an odd way of resting. 1.3056 0.05172 108 79 25 4
1714 Just look at him. Angry. Menacing. A killer. 1.3056 0.05803 108 83 17 8
1715 Objection your honor, the witness was bearely involved 1.3056 0.05172 108 79 25 4
1716 And the defendant WASN’T fuzzy, was he?? 1.3056 0.05002 108 78 27 3
1717 I rest my case your honor, that Teddys can NOT legally be registered to vote in the great state of Pennsylvania 1.3056 0.05337 108 80 23 5
1718 Your honor, I request that no bear based puns are made about my client" "I bearly think it will make a difference 1.3048 0.05600 105 79 20 6
1719 So you raised your hands and said "don't shoot." Then what? 1.3048 0.05600 105 79 20 6
1720 I object, your honor. He's a teddy bear. Objection overruled. He's no less reliable than any other witness. 1.3048 0.05434 105 78 22 5
1721 Please let the defendant speak for himself! 1.3048 0.05434 105 78 22 5
1722 Now, let me be sure I've got this right. You claim only your porridge was eaten, your chair broken, your bed slept in...all not by you. Yet your parents found no one else when they searched every room! 1.3048 0.05086 105 76 26 3
1723 He claims the 100 acre woods need to be remeasured 1.3048 0.05600 105 79 20 6
1724 The key witness was too stuffed to talk. 1.3039 0.05536 102 76 21 5
1725 So, Mr. Bear, you admit you were sleeping with the victim? 1.3039 0.05536 102 76 21 5
1726 You can button your eyes, but not your lips. 1.3039 0.05709 102 77 19 6
1727 Yes, you may address the witness as “Teddy” 1.3039 0.05174 102 74 25 3
1728 Your Honor, I find it impossible to prosecute someone when all you want to do is pick him up and give him a big squeeze. 1.3039 0.05358 102 75 23 4
1729 Your honor, I can bear witness to the fact that Teddy did, in fact, have the stuffing knocked out of him by the defendant. 1.3039 0.05536 102 76 21 5
1730 Don't sit there looking all soft and cuddly. You were identified in the lineup. 1.3039 0.05358 102 75 23 4
1731 I submit: the witness is unresponsive. 1.3039 0.05709 102 77 19 6
1732 Your honor, motion to cuddle the witness 1.3039 0.05358 102 75 23 4
1733 No, your Honor, I do not wish to be held in contempt. The Bear's name is 'Judge Poopy Pants'" 1.3039 0.05174 102 74 25 3
1734 Your Honor, I ask you: is this the adorable widdle face of a murderer? 1.3039 0.05174 102 74 25 3
1735 The prosecution finds it hard to believe that, despite having no eyelids, you did not see Timmy sneak out after bedtime. 1.3039 0.05536 102 76 21 5
1736 Your honor, I don't see how the presumption of innocence translates into a comfy chair. 1.3039 0.05536 102 76 21 5
1737 Your Honor. I object. This witness can bearly speak. Get us an interpreter. 1.3039 0.05536 102 76 21 5
1738 Your honor, my client thought 'bear spray" was a type of cologne. He never meant to cause respiratory distress at the slumber party. 1.3039 0.05358 102 75 23 4
1739 Objection! That’s bear-say! 1.3039 0.05536 102 76 21 5
1740 Your Honor, the witness has expressed concern that ‘snitches get stitches.’ 1.3036 0.05357 112 84 22 6
1741 And how do you suppose to explain how we found YOUR corduroy overalls at the scene of the break-in? 1.3030 0.05459 99 73 22 4
1742 You honor, the witness is stuffed full of fluff. 1.3030 0.05824 99 75 18 6
1743 He's here to bear witness of course, Your Honor. 1.3030 0.05266 99 72 24 3
1744 Don't play mute. 1.3030 0.05459 99 73 22 4
1745 I called him to bear witness to the crime. 1.3030 0.05067 99 71 26 2
1746 The witness is nonresponsive, Your Honor. Permission to treat as hostile? 1.3030 0.05824 99 75 18 6
1747 Your honor, may I snuggle the witness? 1.3030 0.05067 99 71 26 2
1748 Your honor, I request the record indicate that the witness' expression is both combative and adorable. 1.3030 0.05644 99 74 20 5
1749 Defense will prove that witness is devoid of feelings, made of stuff, and incapable of feelings toward the defendant. 1.3030 0.05824 99 75 18 6
1750 Your Honor. Permission to treat this witness as passive? 1.3030 0.05067 99 71 26 2
1751 Tell us about your experience as a "Rough Rider". 1.3030 0.05067 99 71 26 2
1752 Your honor, permission to treat the witness as a hostile teddy bear. 1.3030 0.05266 99 72 24 3
1753 Your Honor, please remind the witness that he does not have the right to bear arms in court. 1.3030 0.05459 99 73 22 4
1754 So your memory is "fuzzy"? Give me a break. 1.3030 0.05067 99 71 26 2
1755 Your honor I've witnessed kangaroo courts, but this is simply unbearable. 1.3030 0.05824 99 75 18 6
1756 Playtime's over! 1.3030 0.05459 99 73 22 4
1757 May I remind your honor that this is no teddy bear's picnic for my client. 1.3028 0.05132 109 80 25 4
1758 Clearly, Mr.Cuddles is a hostile witness 1.3028 0.05453 109 82 21 6
1759 Objection! The witness is being nonresponsive. 1.3028 0.04790 109 78 29 2
1760 Permission to treat Mr. Fuzzy as a hostile witness. 1.3025 0.05277 119 90 22 7
1761 I know its only a mock trial, but couldn't you have tried a little harder to to get a volunteer witness participant. 1.3023 0.06204 86 65 16 5
1762 Don’t toy with us, your behavior is unbearable 1.3023 0.05503 86 62 22 2
1763 I told you, Poo, Winnie the" 1.3019 0.05046 106 77 26 3
1764 And your story is that you heard nothing? 1.3019 0.05555 106 80 20 6
1765 And why can't you point to the person who sat in your chair? 1.3019 0.05221 106 78 24 4
1766 I'm sorry Your Honor, he considers blustery a day of the week... 1.3019 0.04865 106 76 28 2
1767 I would like to declare this witness hostile. 1.3019 0.05390 106 79 22 5
1768 Counselor, you may not badger this adorable witness. 1.3019 0.05390 106 79 22 5
1769 Please, your honor, if you’ll bear with me, you’ll see this line of questioning will reveal important information about what happened at bedtime that night. 1.3019 0.05714 106 81 18 7
1770 You want permission to treat as hostile, you've gotta be kidding. 1.3019 0.05869 106 82 16 8
1771 I think I know how nanny cams work, your honor. May I proceed? 1.3019 0.05390 106 79 22 5
1772 When did you first discover that you were stuffed with diamonds? 1.3010 0.05314 103 76 23 4
1773 Your honor, I ask permission to question the bear as a textile witness. 1.3010 0.05490 103 77 21 5
1774 Exactly what do you mean when you say you were stuffed full of lies? 1.3010 0.05314 103 76 23 4
1775 Let’s just assume Teddy provided material comfort to the defendant! 1.3010 0.04943 103 74 27 2
1776 My client Mister Ted E. Bear was not doing anything but stuffing a Build a Bear. It was consensual. 1.3010 0.05490 103 77 21 5
1777 Please sit up straight and answer the question. 1.3010 0.05827 103 79 17 7
1778 Now bear with me, your Honor. 1.3010 0.05661 103 78 19 6
1779 You stand accused of plagiarizing the words from Elvis' hit song 'just let me be your Teddy Bear. 1.3010 0.05661 103 78 19 6
1780 And just what are you stuffed WITH, Mister Bear? 1.3010 0.05132 103 75 25 3
1781 This is going nowhere if he keeps pleading the fifth. 1.3010 0.04943 103 74 27 2
1782 Your Honor, permission to treat this witness as the cutest, most cuddliest hostile witness I have cross-examined. 1.3010 0.05314 103 76 23 4
1783 Permission to treat the witness as snuggleable? 1.3010 0.04943 103 74 27 2
1784 And at exactly what time did you arrive at the picnic? 1.3010 0.05132 103 75 25 3
1785 You swore you’d never tell ANYONE... 1.3010 0.05661 103 78 19 6
1786 Pleases clarify for the court,whether you are Papa Bear,Mama Bear,or Baby Bear and tell us whose porridge did the suspect Goldilocks eat. 1.3010 0.05132 103 75 25 3
1787 Can you identify the 4-year old boy who left you at preschool? Do you see him in the courtroom today? 1.3010 0.05490 103 77 21 5
1788 Remember, you are under oath. Is it REALLY that big? 1.3010 0.05661 103 78 19 6
1789 Your honor, may I cross examine and briefly cuddle with the witness? 1.3010 0.05132 103 75 25 3
1790 Well, he doesn't seem all that hostile to me, counselor. 1.3010 0.04943 103 74 27 2
1791 Do you deny not having spoken to the children in over two years. 1.3010 0.05314 103 76 23 4
1792 I’ve heard of bearing witness but this is ridiculous! 1.3010 0.05132 103 75 25 3
1793 I’ll ask the witness one more time. He wasn’t fuzzy, was he? 1.3010 0.05314 103 76 23 4
1794 Did you know the girl was underage when you were in bed with her? 1.3010 0.05827 103 79 17 7
1795 We the jury find the defendant cute and cuddly, but the chair is guilty of being ghastly. 1.3010 0.05661 103 78 19 6
1796 Objection, your honour — that’s bearsay! 1.3010 0.05661 103 78 19 6
1797 Mr former President, I'm speaking. 1.3010 0.05827 103 79 17 7
1798 Your honor, the teddy was asking for it. 1.3010 0.05490 103 77 21 5
1799 It’s bear-ly legal, but I’ll allow it. 1.3010 0.05314 103 76 23 4
1800 this is a clear cut case of neglect 1.3010 0.05314 103 76 23 4
1801 Your honor, my client clearly acted out of love. 1.3000 0.05412 100 74 22 4
1802 Now please,show us on the human where you were touched. 1.3000 0.05596 100 75 20 5
1803 Your honor, please instruct the witness to cuddle with me. 1.3000 0.04313 90 66 23 1
1804 Permission to treat witness as textile, your Honor? 1.3000 0.05108 90 69 17 4
1805 Sure, the defendant looks soft and cuddly, but he’s known to the state of California to cause cancer and birth defects. 1.3000 0.05412 100 74 22 4
1806 Your Honor, hearing the President's Teedy bear as the first witness is highly irregular but at least his account shall be honest 1.3000 0.05946 100 77 16 7
1807 You honor, this is the only witness who would admit being intimate with the accused. 1.3000 0.05412 100 74 22 4
1808 You agreed to bear witness! 1.3000 0.05025 100 72 26 2
1809 Your Honor, The defense will show and the jury will see that when my client, Mr. Steiff had left the picnic, Mr. Paddington was alive. 1.3000 0.05946 100 77 16 7
1810 Please call the next witness with emotional support needs to the stand 1.3000 0.05596 100 75 20 5
1811 But Nancy Ann Andrews does not think you were an innocent bystander. 1.3000 0.05222 100 73 24 3
1812 Yes, he was the only witness of the Zoom Meeting. 1.3000 0.05596 100 75 20 5
1813 Your honor, my client is invoking the bear clause in his defense. 1.3000 0.05596 100 75 20 5
1814 Don’t Care Bear is the latest member of the president’s administration to face justice. 1.3000 0.05081 130 99 23 8
1815 The psychological trauma my client was exposed under the heavy duty cycle is evident. 1.3000 0.05412 100 74 22 4
1816 Your honor, my client is more pro 2nd amendment than anyone, but he clearly did not pull that trigger. 1.3000 0.05025 100 72 26 2
1817 Your Honor, I request that you direct the witness to stop staring as me with those creepy button eyes. 1.2991 0.05510 107 81 20 6
1818 Could you please tell the court if the defendant seated in front of you is the person who stuffed you with drugs? 1.2991 0.05510 107 81 20 6
1819 Yes, I did it. I couldn’t stand to hear her say “bear with me” one more time! 1.2991 0.05510 107 81 20 6
1820 Could you please instruct the witness to desist with the sad face and hugging gesture? 1.2991 0.05510 107 81 20 6
1821 Your honor...it is laughable to call masterminding an international honey smuggling business merely a Boo-Boo. 1.2991 0.05180 107 79 24 4
1822 So, just what did you mean by “I felt all fuzzy inside”? 1.2991 0.05510 107 81 20 6
1823 Your Honor, I'd like permission to treat the witness as adorable. 1.2991 0.05347 107 80 22 5
1824 Cut the pooh and answer my question. 1.2991 0.05347 107 80 22 5
1825 Your Honor, Mr. Teddy Bear did not provide the emotional support necessary to my client during this year. 1.2991 0.05180 107 79 24 4
1826 Trouble Bruin. 1.2991 0.05180 107 79 24 4
1827 Your honor, permission to treat the witness as a soft witness 1.2991 0.05510 107 81 20 6
1828 Permission to treat Mr. Snuffleluplekins III as a hostile witness? 1.2990 0.05317 97 71 23 3
1829 Where were you the night Raggedy Ann disappeared? 1.2990 0.05516 97 72 21 4
1830 We seek permission your Honor to treat Teddy Bear as a hostile witness. 1.2981 0.05271 104 77 23 4
1831 Do you prefer to be called Teddy or Theodore? 1.2981 0.05614 104 79 19 6
1832 My client wasn't loitering, your Honour. That day, was the day the teddy bears have their picnic. 1.2981 0.05445 104 78 21 5
1833 Where was I on the 16th. I was in the crib with Joey “Messy Boy” Jones. All night 1.2981 0.05614 104 79 19 6
1834 Donald, we talked about the pants...” 1.2979 0.05202 94 68 24 2
1835 Guns?! I’m just asking to keep my limbs! 1.2976 0.05297 84 60 23 1
1836 You were separated at the border for your own good. 1.2976 0.06055 84 63 17 4
1837 Did the witness pass the required Covid test before entering my courtroom? 1.2976 0.05561 84 61 21 2
1838 Badger witness? Bear witness? Your honor, may I approach? 1.2976 0.05561 84 61 21 2
1839 Remember, you can be prosecuted if you bear false witness!" 1.2976 0.05561 84 61 21 2
1840 ...and isn't it true, Mr. Bear, that you have caused Miss Mom to trip and spill everything from laundry to supper while lounging in the middle of the floor? 1.2976 0.06055 84 63 17 4
1841 Mr. Fluffy did not shred up Mrs. Piggy, Mr. Fluff did. Big difference! 1.2976 0.05813 84 62 19 3
1842 Your honor, how am I suppose to cross examine 'Ted', if he only talks to certain people. 1.2976 0.05813 84 62 19 3
1843 And, Mr. Bear, how do you plead to Miss Holly’s accusation of “alienation of affection?” 1.2973 0.06590 74 56 14 4
1844 She’ll be right back. Potty break. 1.2970 0.05548 101 76 20 5
1845 Permission to treat the witness as hostile. 1.2970 0.05894 101 78 16 7
1846 my client has no knowledge about the destruction of the shield generator and has not lived on Endor for many years... 1.2970 0.05179 101 74 24 3
1847 Isn’t it true that you’ve been sleeping with the accused? 1.2970 0.05367 101 75 22 4
1848 Your honor, permission to approach the witness for a hug. 1.2970 0.05179 101 74 24 3
1849 Yeah, you were with Goldilocks that night, I'll bet! 1.2970 0.05724 101 77 18 6
1850 Obviously your honor this witness has been stuffed. 1.2970 0.05548 101 76 20 5
1851 This is clearly an attempt to stuff the courts! 1.2970 0.05894 101 78 16 7
1852 It was Raggedy Ann 1.2970 0.05367 101 75 22 4
1853 The plaintiff has already raised his right hand - and his left. Can we begin? 1.2970 0.05179 101 74 24 3
1854 Can anyone confirm you were in little Timmy's bed all that night? 1.2970 0.05367 101 75 22 4
1855 Tell the judge where the button is for the velveteen rabbit’s eye ! 1.2970 0.05724 101 77 18 6
1856 Your honor - I think it is blatantly unfair to be trying my client as an adult 1.2970 0.05548 101 76 20 5
1857 But your honor, it's unprecedented to take the oath with both paws raised! 1.2970 0.05179 101 74 24 3
1858 Your Honor,permission to approach, and just have a quick cuddle with, the witness? 1.2970 0.05548 101 76 20 5
1859 Where do I squeeze to get yes? 1.2970 0.05548 101 76 20 5
1860 You want me on that pillow,you need me on that pillow 1.2970 0.05724 101 77 18 6
1861 Permission, your honor, to treat the witness as not-that-cute. 1.2970 0.05179 101 74 24 3
1862 Your Honor, permission to address the witness as hostile 1.2970 0.05367 101 75 22 4
1863 My client wishes to take the fluff amendment 1.2970 0.05179 101 74 24 3
1864 Just bear with us for a moment your honor 1.2970 0.05367 101 75 22 4
1865 Judge, I'm simply trying to establish a timeline of where the witness was on the day Christoper Robin disappeared. 1.2963 0.04790 108 78 28 2
1866 Get out from under the chair, Mr. Giuliani. The bear can not testify on your behalf. 1.2963 0.06197 81 61 16 4
1867 This witness is hostile. Yet disarmingly cuddly. 1.2963 0.04968 108 79 26 3
1868 Im sorry your honor, this is the only witness willing to testify. 1.2963 0.04968 108 79 26 3
1869 Is it true you witnessed him unzipping his pants? 1.2963 0.05622 108 83 18 7
1870 For the record, being cuddly is a condition, not a defense. 1.2959 0.05468 98 73 21 4
1871 The witness is simply a puppet for the defense. 1.2959 0.05468 98 73 21 4
1872 He needs a recess. 1.2959 0.05468 98 73 21 4
1873 Your Honor, the teddy bear is refusing to answer my questions. 1.2959 0.05657 98 74 19 5
1874 This is the only character witness for Hobbes that I could get to appear, your Honor. Calvin was nowhere to be found. 1.2959 0.05272 98 72 23 3
1875 Why did you even give it a microphone? 1.2959 0.05272 98 72 23 3
1876 No further questions, your Honor. But would you allow a quick squeeze and a cuddle? 1.2959 0.05068 98 71 25 2
1877 What? He said he saw it all happen from the toy box? 1.2959 0.05068 98 71 25 2
1878 Your honor, bears do not have hands they can raise 1.2959 0.05657 98 74 19 5
1879 Your honor, we ask the jury to find the defendant cuddly as charged. 1.2959 0.05068 98 71 25 2
1880 Your Honor he’s innocent, bear in mind he's been confined to his bedroom his entire life. 1.2959 0.05272 98 72 23 3
1881 Your honor, you can tell he's innocent just by looking at him. 1.2959 0.05468 98 73 21 4
1882 You were the last one to see Winnie the Pooh alive, were you not? 1.2959 0.05840 98 75 17 6
1883 Who me? No, Karen stole the cookies from the cookie jar, I swear. 1.2959 0.05272 98 72 23 3
1884 And when did you arrive at this so called “picnic”? 1.2959 0.05468 98 73 21 4
1885 And what evidence do you have prove your name is Teddy and where were you on the night of December 24th? 1.2959 0.05468 98 73 21 4
1886 If it please the court, would your honor admonish the defendant not to expose himself to the jury? 1.2959 0.05468 98 73 21 4
1887 My only purpose is to be hugged, so how would I know who did it? 1.2959 0.05657 98 74 19 5
1888 It would be fair to say that you’re not as fuzzy as you led others to believe, wouldn’t it, Mr. Wuzzy. 1.2959 0.05468 98 73 21 4
1889 I see, the salmon was so big - for the record we need you verbalize your estimate in inches. 1.2952 0.05567 105 80 19 6
1890 Did you actually see porridge in your baby dish when you went out for a walk? 1.2952 0.05567 105 80 19 6
1891 I know he looks soft, but he's a cold-blooded killer 1.2952 0.05050 105 77 25 3
1892 Your honor, I hardly think a stuffed bear knows the meaning of originalism! 1.2952 0.05567 105 80 19 6
1893 I can't be the father! Our relationship was purely platonic. 1.2952 0.05228 105 78 23 4
1894 No, I don't need a hug. 1.2952 0.05228 105 78 23 4
1895 Explain again why your vote should count 1.2952 0.05887 105 82 15 8
1896 My expert witness is a 20-year veteran of the carnival industry here to testify about the Milk-bottle Toss. 1.2952 0.05050 105 77 25 3
1897 Your honor, his statement clearly *bears* witness to his culpability. 1.2952 0.05228 105 78 23 4
1898 Like I've been saying: I'm Eddie, not Teddy! 1.2952 0.05228 105 78 23 4
1899 Bear witness as Justice is served once again, your honor. 1.2947 0.05574 95 71 20 4
1900 Mr. Fuzzy-Wuzzy, you're going to have to speak up, we can barely hear you. 1.2947 0.05370 95 70 22 3
1901 He's stuffed your Honour 1.2947 0.05574 95 71 20 4
1902 I put it to you that he is not, as he claims, Winnie The Pooh, but none other than Boo Boo, accomplice to the notorious picnic thief Yogi Bear 1.2947 0.05370 95 70 22 3
1903 60-40 poly-cotton blend, Your Honor, but a material witness just the same. 1.2947 0.05157 95 69 24 2
1904 The bear facts, sir. Just the bear facts! 1.2947 0.05370 95 70 22 3
1905 Kill her? I bearly knew her. 1.2947 0.05370 95 70 22 3
1906 I used to have your job but now I'm your new Vice President Koala Harris. 1.2947 0.05574 95 71 20 4
1907 Let’s discuss the Elefant in the room! 1.2947 0.05370 95 70 22 3
1908 OK Teddy, if that's your real name ... 1.2947 0.05962 95 73 16 6
1909 Go ahead, show the court where the man touched you. 1.2947 0.05574 95 71 20 4
1910 Permission to approach the witness, and give him a big hug. 1.2947 0.05370 95 70 22 3
1911 Racism against stuffed toys in general, is not the issue here, sir! 1.2947 0.05574 95 71 20 4
1912 But he doesn't have a hand to put on the Bible.... 1.2947 0.06147 95 74 14 7
1913 Your honor, I motion to adjourn until we find a translator who speaks fluent Teddy Bear. 1.2947 0.05370 95 70 22 3
1914 And we therefore ask that Yogi's petition for pet status be denied, Your Honor. 1.2947 0.04935 95 68 26 1
1915 Are you prepared to bear witness? 1.2947 0.05157 95 69 24 2
1916 And then she ate my porridge...” 1.2947 0.05772 95 72 18 5
1917 Your honor, Mr. Barenstien has lost his right to plead the fluff. 1.2947 0.05772 95 72 18 5
1918 He’s full of it. 1.2947 0.05962 95 73 16 6
1919 With COVID I don’t get any alone time... I just snapped OKAY?! 1.2947 0.05772 95 72 18 5
1920 I am sorry Your Honor, but in order to collect the witness' statement, I must pull the string located on his behind. 1.2941 0.05384 119 92 19 8
1921 Bear witness as the bear witness bears witness, your Honor 1.2941 0.05675 102 78 18 6
1922 Answer the question! Did you defecate in the woods? 1.2941 0.05136 102 75 24 3
1923 Silent witness, I get it. But wait til you read her testimony. 1.2941 0.05322 102 76 22 4
1924 Your Honor, this witness' testimony verges on a being a blatant, and may I say, childish fairytale. 1.2941 0.05501 102 77 20 5
1925 Where is the honey honey. 1.2941 0.05755 85 63 19 3
1926 I'll admonish the witness not to get cute. 1.2941 0.05136 102 75 24 3
1927 Your honor, I'd like to request an hour recess so my daughter can have Mr. Snuggles for her nap. 1.2941 0.05322 102 76 22 4
1928 Your honor, I believe this witness is full of beans. 1.2941 0.05501 102 77 20 5
1929 I've asked several times, Your Honor, but his only answer is that he wants to hug me. 1.2941 0.05675 102 78 18 6
1930 Are you known by any other name than Teddy? 1.2941 0.06223 85 65 15 5
1931 If it pleases the court. 1.2941 0.04944 102 74 26 2
1932 You expect us to believe that, after five years of being inseparable, the defendant suddenly cut off all contact? 1.2941 0.05675 102 78 18 6
1933 This is not what we meant when we said "bear witness". 1.2941 0.05506 85 62 21 2
1934 This care bear doesn't care 1.2941 0.05322 102 76 22 4
1935 Permission to treat the witness as material? 1.2936 0.05422 109 83 20 6
1936 I swear she ate my by porridge, broke my chair and slept in my bed. 1.2935 0.05250 92 67 23 2
1937 Bear with me, Judge, I will prove this guy is guilty and his name's not Teddy. 1.2929 0.05227 99 73 23 3
1938 Your honor, permission to treat the witness as cute and cuddly? 1.2929 0.05420 99 74 21 4
1939 Your Honor - What do you mean he's not qualified to bear witness? 1.2929 0.05227 99 73 23 3
1940 You say that on the night in question you were in the woods. Tell us, please, exactly what you were doing in the woods. 1.2929 0.05227 99 73 23 3
1941 Your Honour, this witness cannot be trusted...look at those beady eyes. 1.2929 0.05026 99 72 25 2
1942 It all comes back to the fact that Mr. Fuzzy Wuzzy was not very fuzzy, was he? 1.2929 0.05788 99 76 17 6
1943 In my client's defense, your honor, a perpetual state of surprise happens to be his de rigueur expression 1.2929 0.05607 99 75 19 5
1944 But your Honor, the witness testimony proves that it was indeed 2-ply. 1.2929 0.05420 99 74 21 4
1945 Mom said it’s my turn to play judge 1.2929 0.05607 99 75 19 5
1946 His eye-witness testimony is a little too on the button. 1.2927 0.06132 82 62 16 4
1947 I'm sorry, your honor. Ever since he saw 'Ted' I can't get him to stop. 1.2927 0.06829 82 65 10 7
1948 Bear with me my lord. 1.2927 0.06605 82 64 12 6
1949 So,you were or not recruiting for Epstein 1.2927 0.06373 82 63 14 5
1950 Your Honor, the witness is being unresponsive; request permission to treat this witness as hostile. 1.2925 0.05186 106 79 23 4
1951 Sustained! The bear witness will answer the question or be held, very tightly, in contempt. 1.2925 0.05522 106 81 19 6
1952 Your Honor, the bear is false witnessing. 1.2925 0.05186 106 79 23 4
1953 As you can see, Your Honor, the witness's story is all fluff. 1.2925 0.05010 106 78 25 3
1954 I thought you said you wanted someone to bear witness. 1.2925 0.05356 106 80 21 5
1955 Today I will prove to the court that Snuggle Bear is no softy. 1.2925 0.05356 106 80 21 5
1956 While the defendant clearly overstated his net worth in the months leading up to the Beanie Baby crash of 1999, he is not guilty of, as you put it, "Goldie-locking the market" 1.2925 0.05682 106 82 17 7
1957 As you can see, Your Honor, the defendant is not the animal the prosecution would lead us to believe. 1.2917 0.04779 96 71 23 2
1958 Did you or did you not tell Buffy about Sant Claus? 1.2917 0.05719 96 73 18 5
1959 Did you or did you not see Jerome being a "meany weany butt"? 1.2917 0.05719 96 73 18 5
1960 Yes, your honor, it’s a 2nd Amendment case. 1.2917 0.05719 96 73 18 5
1961 Of course it applies. Who else could the Second Amendment have been for? 1.2917 0.05719 96 73 18 5
1962 What were you expecting? It's a fricken teddy bear. 1.2917 0.05322 96 71 22 3
1963 Please tell the court where you were the night Timmy slept at Nana's house? 1.2917 0.04893 96 69 26 1
1964 Permission to treat Mr. Bear as a hostile witness, Your Honor? I know it’s a long shot. 1.2917 0.05524 96 72 20 4
1965 Well, well, well - Sooooo we finally caught up with that LSD secret chemist of the psychedelic 60s who traveled with the Grateful Dead - Owsley Stanley alias"THE BEAR!! 1.2917 0.05322 96 71 22 3
1966 I was right there when Barbie told Ken all about it 1.2917 0.05322 96 71 22 3
1967 Teddy bear pleads self defense to Trumpy bear`s attack. 1.2917 0.05112 96 70 24 2
1968 your honor i present president trump’s expert witness in the fraudulent nature of our election process 1.2917 0.05908 96 74 16 6
1969 Your Honor, it's clear that being replaced with an iPad has left this witness with an ax to grind. 1.2913 0.05455 103 78 20 5
1970 Your Honor, it appears the witness will continue to remain silent unless I apply pressure. 1.2913 0.05278 103 77 22 4
1971 Kushner sent in his support animal to testify for him. 1.2913 0.05278 103 77 22 4
1972 Your honor, the witness won't answer my questions. Can we hold him in contempt? 1.2911 0.06016 79 59 17 3
1973 Your honor, the witness is too close to the defendant to give credible testimony. 1.2903 0.05838 93 71 17 5
1974 Technically the defendant and Teddy are still married. It happened at a tea party with all of their friends present. So spousal priviledge does apply. 1.2903 0.05203 93 68 23 2
1975 In you own words, please explain to the jury how the defendant attacked you with the sewing needle. 1.2903 0.04854 93 69 22 2
1976 My client is unwilling to go through surgery for the court to obtain the camera footage. 1.2903 0.05634 93 70 19 4
1977 Let the record show that the witness made a menacing nonverbal gesture. 1.2903 0.05838 93 71 17 5
1978 Don't act so smug. 1.2903 0.06035 93 72 15 6
1979 Do I cross examine him or hug him? 1.2903 0.05634 93 70 19 4
1980 The emotional support teddy will respond!" 1.2903 0.05423 93 69 21 3
1981 Why don't you just tell us who did it? We all now you didn't, because you're too soft! 1.2903 0.05203 93 68 23 2
1982 It's not often we run across a case in which the star witness is also the murder weapon. You may proceed. 1.2903 0.05634 93 70 19 4
1983 Yes, I was present when the decision was made to rip out the rose garden. 1.2903 0.05634 93 70 19 4
1984 Plead the fifth??! Pooh! 1.2903 0.05203 93 68 23 2
1985 Just answer the question, please. 1.2903 0.05838 93 71 17 5
1986 Your honor, I would now like to call mama and papa bear to the stand. 1.2903 0.05634 93 70 19 4
1987 Yes, your honor, I have taken my medication. Why do you ask? 1.2903 0.05423 93 69 21 3
1988 You of course, no longer have the right to remain silent" 1.2900 0.05559 100 76 19 5
1989 If it pleases the Court, Your Honor, I'd like to turn his frowny face upside down. 1.2900 0.05738 100 77 17 6
1990 Ah, the old 'right to remain silent' defense, eh? 1.2900 0.05559 100 76 19 5
1991 Permission to treat Mr. Cuddles as a hostile witness, Your Honor? 1.2900 0.05559 100 76 19 5
1992 It's increasingly evident that you don't have anything to say for yourself. 1.2900 0.04777 100 72 27 1
1993 "Your honor, my client feels that the description of the witness protection program was misleading. 1.2900 0.05183 100 74 23 3
1994 Sorry your honor.....My client thinks he's in the woods.... 1.2900 0.05374 100 75 21 4
1995 Did you or did you not pose an emotional support animal but in fact just sit there, offering no support whatsoever. 1.2900 0.05559 100 76 19 5
1996 Motion to strike the witnesses cuteness from the record 1.2900 0.05559 100 76 19 5
1997 Your Honor, I assure you this line of questioning has a point. 1.2900 0.05559 100 76 19 5
1998 Your Honor as you can see the victim is still traumatized from the holdup 1.2887 0.05668 97 74 18 5
1999 Your Honor, the plaintiff will prove that this so called bear, deliberately and emphatically harassed Ms. Locks throughout the course of the day causing significant emotional distress. 1.2887 0.05276 97 72 22 3
2000 Your Honor, my securities expert may not know the stock market, but he sure as hell knows the bear market. 1.2887 0.05855 97 75 16 6
2001 Mr Theodore “Teddy” Bear refused to bear false witness against his friend Pooh. 1.2887 0.05276 97 72 22 3
2002 Not speaking won't change the fact you slept with little kids 1.2887 0.05475 97 73 20 4
2003 I ask permission to treat this witness as huggable. 1.2887 0.05276 97 72 22 3
2004 Your honor, would a bear false witness joke put me in contempt? 1.2887 0.05668 97 74 18 5
2005 Yes he did do that in the woods, but he is only a cub 1.2887 0.05668 97 74 18 5
2006 Now show me on the judge where he touched you. 1.2887 0.05855 97 75 16 6
2007 Remember..........just say Winnie the Pooh was your brother and you're also an expert when it comes to honey. 1.2887 0.04851 97 70 26 1
2008 You can put your arms down, your not guilty until proven. 1.2887 0.05855 97 75 16 6
2009 Will Your Honor please note that the witness will not bear testimony. 1.2887 0.05475 97 73 20 4
2010 You're sounding quite hostile, Mr. Bear. 1.2887 0.05068 97 71 24 2
2011 HE'S MY CLIENT'S ONLY RELIABLE CONFIDANT, YOUR HONOR 1.2887 0.05276 97 72 22 3
2012 Your honor I ask you to instruct the witness to stop toying with me. 1.2887 0.05668 97 74 18 5
2013 Did you or did you not hibernate? 1.2887 0.05475 97 73 20 4
2014 Your honor, my client was just exercising his Constitutional right to bear arms. 1.2887 0.05276 97 72 22 3
2015 Your honor, my client would like to bear witness to the People v/s Goldilocks case 1.2887 0.05475 97 73 20 4
2016 This is the part where I'd normally ask the witness to point to a doll. 1.2885 0.05579 104 80 18 6
2017 Permission to treat the witness as just too adorable. 1.2885 0.04864 104 76 26 2
2018 Admit it. You did run away from Ivanka’s nursery! 1.2885 0.05409 104 79 20 5
2019 i swear it was the Cat that peed in the bed 1.2883 0.05020 111 83 24 4
2020 Your Honor, the witness’s lack of cooperation is Steiff-ling. 1.2875 0.05952 80 60 17 3
2021 Seems Mr. Ruxpin has chosen to plead the fifth. 1.2875 0.06212 80 61 15 4
2022 Objection, Your Honor. Cuteness overload. 1.2875 0.06212 80 61 15 4
2023 Your honor, it wasn't what it looked like. I was tucking in my stuffing and she looked over eighteen. 1.2875 0.05680 80 59 19 2
2024 No, I don’t know what happened to your emotional support human. Your witness. 1.2875 0.06212 80 61 15 4
2025 Did you actually see who was sleeping in your bed? Yes or no please. 1.2875 0.06212 80 61 15 4
2026 The comfy chair is one thing, but the teddy to make witnesses more relaxed? That's too much, your Honor. 1.2875 0.06212 80 61 15 4
2027 Well yes, I knew him, but just bearly. 1.2875 0.05680 80 59 19 2
2028 Your honor, my client does not wish to bear false witness. 1.2875 0.05952 80 60 17 3
2029 Your honor, we need an interpreter for the witness. 1.2875 0.06212 80 61 15 4
2030 Don't worry, he's ambiguous. 1.2875 0.06462 80 62 13 5
2031 Mr trumpy bear will you put your hand on the cartoon book and Now finely to swear to tell the truth and nothing but the truth so help your toy maker? 1.2875 0.05680 80 59 19 2
2032 Permission to treat the witness as infantile? 1.2875 0.05680 80 59 19 2
2033 I guess he is just as credible as any other witness That has testified this year. 1.2875 0.05680 80 59 19 2
2034 This is not what I meant when I mentioned a "Ted" talk. 1.2875 0.05952 80 60 17 3
2035 He has the right to bear arms. 1.2875 0.05680 80 59 19 2
2036 Answer the question. Your honor? 1.2875 0.06212 80 61 15 4
2037 Your honor,he can't testify against his owner. 1.2875 0.05680 80 59 19 2
2038 Isn’t it true that the cookie jar was full when you and Billy entered the kitchen? 1.2875 0.06212 80 61 15 4
2039 You were the last one seen with him in Timmy’s room so I’ll ask you one last time. Where is Buzz Lightyear?! 1.2875 0.05952 80 60 17 3
2040 Now Teddy, please tell the court what exactly is Susie doing that you are filing for emanicipation. 1.2875 0.06462 80 62 13 5
2041 Your Honor, if the witness won't answer my questions, he needs to plead the 5th Amendment. 1.2875 0.05680 80 59 19 2
2042 Your honor, my client has the right to bear arms. 1.2875 0.05952 80 60 17 3
2043 Will you please repeat exactly what you told me earlier. 1.2875 0.06212 80 61 15 4
2044 It's entirely inappropriate behavior in open court, to refer to the prosecuting attorney as "Honey", Mr. Pooh. 1.2875 0.05952 80 60 17 3
2045 Does your kid know you are testifying against him? 1.2875 0.06212 80 61 15 4
2046 Don't be overbearing, counsellor. 1.2875 0.05952 80 60 17 3
2047 Really? "Oh Teddy, I love you!" was referring to you? 1.2875 0.05952 80 60 17 3
2048 Agent Punky, is it true you were imbedded in the Trump bedroom? Come on Ted talk! 1.2875 0.06212 80 61 15 4
2049 The defendant denies the accusation that he rigged the elections." 1.2875 0.06212 80 61 15 4
2050 Teddy is a character witness, your Honor. 1.2875 0.05680 80 59 19 2
2051 How can he be a reliable witness if his left eye button has been replaced? 1.2875 0.05680 80 59 19 2
2052 Your Honor, the defendant has clearly been stitched up 1.2875 0.05680 80 59 19 2
2053 I bear-ly saw what happened that night. 1.2875 0.05680 80 59 19 2
2054 You expect us to believe that you’re really from Vermont? 1.2875 0.05952 80 60 17 3
2055 I got up. Got a latte. Went to the gym. Got a perm and came home. 1.2875 0.05680 80 59 19 2
2056 Yes or no - Did you vote in Pennsylvania? 1.2875 0.05952 80 60 17 3
2057 He was sleeping with the bunny rabbit 1.2875 0.05952 80 60 17 3
2058 Please tell the court what you saw them do to the ballots. 1.2875 0.05680 80 59 19 2
2059 Your Honour, the witness just keep repeating the words 'I love you'. 1.2875 0.06212 80 61 15 4
2060 Well of course he can't testify, nobody hit his "on" switch. 1.2872 0.05784 94 72 17 5
2061 One squeak for yes, two squeaks for no. 1.2872 0.05374 94 70 21 3
2062 Let the record show that the witness did not see the defendant jumping on the bed. 1.2872 0.05374 94 70 21 3
2063 I motion to dismiss this case on the basis that the plaintiff is too cuddly. 1.2872 0.05374 94 70 21 3
2064 He’s not talking, but he saw everything! 1.2872 0.05583 94 71 19 4
2065 Not that old, “Your memory is fuzzy,” again! 1.2872 0.05374 94 70 21 3
2066 So, you have known the defendant since he was three? 1.2872 0.04692 94 67 27 0
2067 Your Honor, this witness is un-bearably timid. 1.2872 0.05784 94 72 17 5
2068 May I have permission to treat Mr. 'Bear' as a hostile witness? 1.2872 0.05583 94 71 19 4
2069 He touched you where? 1.2872 0.06167 94 74 13 7
2070 Your Honor,this witness is full of stuffing! 1.2872 0.05157 94 69 23 2
2071 Where were you the night Barbie disappeared? 1.2872 0.05374 94 70 21 3
2072 May I please approach the bench and press the witness's paw so I can hear his answer? 1.2872 0.04930 94 68 25 1
2073 Answer or you'll be held in contempt! 1.2872 0.04930 94 68 25 1
2074 I understand you were a close personal friend of the defendant... 1.2872 0.05583 94 71 19 4
2075 Ah, I was wondering what my secretary meant by 'barely legal'. 1.2872 0.05374 94 70 21 3
2076 Did you vote in person or by mail? 1.2872 0.05978 94 73 15 6
2077 Bear up and answer the question. 1.2872 0.05583 94 71 19 4
2078 And remember that you have sworn to not bear false witness. 1.2872 0.05374 94 70 21 3
2079 Counsellor, I find your line of questioning un-Bearable! 1.2872 0.05583 94 71 19 4
2080 I was this close to the whole thing. 1.2872 0.05374 94 70 21 3
2081 yes, your honor, the bear facts. 1.2872 0.05784 94 72 17 5
2082 He ate how many ballots? 1.2872 0.05374 94 70 21 3
2083 He wuvs you dis much your Honor. 1.2872 0.06167 94 74 13 7
2084 This may not be your conventional witness, but please bear with me. 1.2872 0.04692 94 67 27 0
2085 Then for the record: You swear you were hibernating on the night in question. 1.2872 0.05157 94 69 23 2
2086 I apologize, Your Honor, but Evasive is my client’s middle name. 1.2872 0.05157 94 69 23 2
2087 Pull the right strings and this witness will sing 1.2872 0.05374 94 70 21 3
2088 Isn't it true, you sat closely, yet completely idly by, the whole while your companion carried out this heinous crime? 1.2872 0.05978 94 73 15 6
2089 But Your Honor, my client was not aware of the penalty for bearing false witness" 1.2872 0.05583 94 71 19 4
2090 A bear hug, sir, is nothing to snort about." 1.2872 0.05157 94 69 23 2
2091 May I hug the witness, your Honor? 1.2872 0.05374 94 70 21 3
2092 Your honor I’d like the record to show the witness as non-responsive 1.2872 0.05157 94 69 23 2
2093 - As you can clearly see your honor, Teddy was not under the covers on the top bunk. He clearly attended Suzie's tea party when the tiara went missing. I have no further questions. 1.2872 0.05784 94 72 17 5
2094 Someone said it was a bear market, so I just started taking stuff 1.2872 0.05157 94 69 23 2
2095 The bear is just a place holder while the witness puts on his big boy pants. 1.2872 0.05784 94 72 17 5
2096 Bare naked or Bear naked.... it’s contempt of court 1.2872 0.05978 94 73 15 6
2097 I’m sorry your honor, I’m afraid this witness has decided to plead the fluff. 1.2871 0.05328 101 76 21 4
2098 I know he's cute, but he's still uncooperative. 1.2871 0.05139 101 75 23 3
2099 Permission to treat Mr. Teddy as hostile? 1.2871 0.05328 101 76 21 4
2100 Is this your hostile witness? 1.2871 0.05511 101 77 19 5
2101 Is Teddy your real name? 1.2871 0.05511 101 77 19 5
2102 Your Honor, I think we’ve gone too far with the COVID precautions. 1.2871 0.05688 101 78 17 6
2103 So THIS is the "bear witness" I've heard so much about? 1.2870 0.05271 108 82 21 5
2104 Witness tampering does include hugs. 1.2870 0.05104 108 81 23 4
2105 And then what happened after you failed your audition for Toy Story 5 ? 1.2870 0.05589 108 84 17 7
2106 Teddy Bear-Client Privilege isn't a thing. 1.2870 0.05432 108 83 19 6
2107 Just the bear facts please, Mr. Teddy. 1.2870 0.05589 108 84 17 7
2108 The court will now adjourn for The“Teddy Bear’s Picnic” lunch and song fest! 1.2857 0.05477 91 68 20 3
2109 Your honor, for the record I'll indicate Mr. Hugs is a over-cuddly witness. 1.2857 0.05250 91 67 22 2
2110 May I call you Teddy? 1.2857 0.05477 91 68 20 3
2111 Permission to treat the witness as snugly 1.2857 0.05012 91 66 24 1
2112 My client firmly asserts his second amendment rights. 1.2857 0.05906 91 70 16 5
2113 Don't be cute, just answer the question! 1.2857 0.05696 91 69 18 4
2114 Your Honor, you demanded that my client bear witness. 1.2857 0.05477 91 68 20 3
2115 Your Honor, I would never try to badger this witness. 1.2857 0.05477 91 68 20 3
2116 Your Honor, may I approach the witness and give him a hug? 1.2857 0.05696 91 69 18 4
2117 Point to where Trump sued you. 1.2857 0.05802 98 76 16 6
2118 Show me on the you where you were touched 1.2857 0.05250 91 67 22 2
2119 Your honor, the defense team believes you have a longstanding personal connection to the witness 1.2842 0.05532 95 72 19 4
2120 Sorry, your Honor. She just came out of hibernation. 1.2842 0.04887 95 69 25 1
2121 So, Alexa, you were hidden inside this bear in the "safe" house? 1.2842 0.05731 95 73 17 5
2122 And for the record, do you normally go by Theodore? 1.2842 0.05532 95 72 19 4
2123 I must recuse myself because I once represented Piglet. 1.2842 0.05731 95 73 17 5
2124 Counselor, please stop poking the bear! 1.2842 0.05923 95 74 15 6
2125 The bench is too lenient - the bench is too harsh - some bears are never satisfied. 1.2842 0.05111 95 70 23 2
2126 Defendant has abused its monopoly over children's affection for decades, creating insurmountable competition for millions of parents. 1.2842 0.05532 95 72 19 4
2127 Your Honor, I’d like to treat the witness as huggably hostile. 1.2842 0.05111 95 70 23 2
2128 Your Honor could direct my client to answer but his lips are sealed. 1.2842 0.05111 95 70 23 2
2129 Will your Honor please direct the witness to respond? 1.2842 0.05731 95 73 17 5
2130 Jury, please be advised, the following testimony may get a little grizzly. 1.2842 0.05111 95 70 23 2
2131 Sir, you are a stuffed animal; you are not protected by the Fifth Amendment. 1.2842 0.05111 95 70 23 2
2132 He voted for trump in person, you MUST COUNT HIS BALLOT 1.2842 0.05325 95 71 21 3
2133 Permission to hug the witness, Your Honor." 1.2826 0.04967 92 67 24 1
2134 Permission to hug the witness?" 1.2826 0.05202 92 68 22 2
2135 You too conveniently characterize yourself as a mere transitional object. 1.2826 0.05642 92 70 18 4
2136 Your Honor, I will prove beyond a reasonable doubt that my client did not stuff himself with contraband. 1.2826 0.05426 92 69 20 3
2137 He is claiming the 5th Amendment? Maybe the microphone should be closer. 1.2826 0.05642 92 70 18 4
2138 Don’t give me that cuddly teddy bear stuff - just answer the question! 1.2826 0.05426 92 69 20 3
2139 Where on your body did Donald Trump touch you? 1.2826 0.05850 92 71 16 5
2140 Don’t play innocent with me, do I have to remind you that you are under the covers, er, excuse me, oath 1.2826 0.05202 92 68 22 2
2141 We’re going to need a urine sample. 1.2826 0.05426 92 69 20 3
2142 Using the judge, can you show us where he touched you? 1.2826 0.05642 92 70 18 4
2143 I refuse in good conscience to cross-examine a teddy bear. 1.2826 0.05642 92 70 18 4
2144 The witness will answer yes or no please stop asking us where you go to the bathroom. Frank Buckley Andover, MA 1.2826 0.05202 92 68 22 2
2145 If it please the Court, I request a ten-minute recess so that I may snuggle with my client." 1.2826 0.05202 92 68 22 2
2146 Your Honor, Ted appears to be pleading the 5th. 1.2826 0.05426 92 69 20 3
2147 Baby Bear, please point out the intruder who was sleeping in your bed. 1.2826 0.05850 92 71 16 5
2148 The witness pleads the 5th 1.2826 0.05426 92 69 20 3
2149 We object to the defendant's request to hug the evidence. 1.2826 0.05642 92 70 18 4
2150 Did you or did you not willingly sleep with my client, the defendant, every night for the last 18 months? 1.2826 0.04720 92 66 26 0
2151 Your honor, I know this is unorthodox -- and I think you misunderstood when I said "bear with me. 1.2826 0.05642 92 70 18 4
2152 Did my daughter eat her vegetables or not?! 1.2826 0.05202 92 68 22 2
2153 Your Honor, I would like to request permission to treat witness as a hostile witness. 1.2826 0.05850 92 71 16 5
2154 Just your right hand. 1.2826 0.05202 92 68 22 2
2155 Permission to treat Mr. Bumpkins as a hostile witness? 1.2826 0.04967 92 67 24 1
2156 No further questions, your honor. It's time for bed. 1.2826 0.05642 92 70 18 4
2157 The defendant is bearly answering my questions, your honor 1.2826 0.05202 92 68 22 2
2158 Are you now or have you ever been a member of the breakfast club? 1.2826 0.05202 92 68 22 2
2159 Your honor the defendant is playing possum when we can all see he's a bear 1.2826 0.05426 92 69 20 3
2160 I would ask that the court instruct the jury to disregard the snuggly-wuggliness of the witness. 1.2826 0.05426 92 69 20 3
2161 I remind you that you are under oath. Tell us how you masterminded the plot to steal the election." 1.2826 0.05850 92 71 16 5
2162 Now we come to the thorny issue of the right to bear arms 1.2826 0.05202 92 68 22 2
2163 So, your absurd alibi is that at the time of the honeytruck hijacking you were in the woods picnicking. 1.2826 0.05202 92 68 22 2
2164 No further questions. I’d like to call on my next witness from the alleged “tea party.” 1.2826 0.05426 92 69 20 3
2165 Hostile witness? Request denied! 1.2826 0.05202 92 68 22 2
2166 Do you swear to tell the truth, the bear truth, and nothing but the truth? 1.2826 0.05426 92 69 20 3
2167 Don't be deceived, your honor, he really is a hostile witness. 1.2826 0.04720 92 66 26 0
2168 Your Honor, I can prove he witnessed the vote tampering, if you'll just give me a little leeway. 1.2826 0.05850 92 71 16 5
2169 Can we interpret your silence as an attempt to invoke the Fifth Amendment? 1.2826 0.04845 92 69 21 2
2170 Prosecutor, stop playing with the witness. 1.2826 0.04967 92 67 24 1
2171 Your Honor, the plaintiff clearly stated 'battery required'. 1.2826 0.05642 92 70 18 4
2172 Your honor, this individual claims to be a bear witness of the events. 1.2826 0.04720 92 66 26 0
2173 Is it not true you then heard Ms. Goldilocks declare that, “This bed is just right?” 1.2826 0.05202 92 68 22 2
2174 I would never thought they had an armchair for a teddy bear 1.2826 0.05850 92 71 16 5
2175 Your honor, is this really the best witness to the « supposedly » vote fraud Trump could afford? 1.2826 0.05850 92 71 16 5
2176 My client requests a short recess. 1.2812 0.05278 96 72 21 3
2177 Counselor, I see no way I can permit you to treat this witness as hostile. 1.2812 0.05278 96 72 21 3
2178 May I approach and cuddle the witness? 1.2812 0.05278 96 72 21 3
2179 Your honor, please order the witness not to get cute. 1.2812 0.05066 96 71 23 2
2180 I put it to you, Mr. Bear, that your paw prints are all over this scandal 1.2812 0.05482 96 73 19 4
2181 Objection. The witness is too cute by half. 1.2812 0.05482 96 73 19 4
2182 We need to finish up, timmy needs his teddy for bed time! 1.2809 0.05533 89 67 19 3
2183 I repeat, I did not have sexual relations with that women, Ms. Goldilocks. 1.2809 0.05297 89 66 21 2
2184 Mr. Build-Bear—Is it your testimony that little Susie, seated in the defendant’s chair, promised to always love you for ever and ever and then reneged on her agreement? 1.2809 0.05051 89 65 23 1
2185 Your Honor, Please remind the witness that he shall not Bear false witness... 1.2809 0.05533 89 67 19 3
2186 Are you denying that the porridge was too hot, sir? 1.2809 0.05297 89 66 21 2
2187 Mr. Bear, please point out the child who knocked the stuffing out of you. 1.2809 0.05533 89 67 19 3
2188 Being extremely huggable does not negate the evidence. 1.2809 0.05051 89 65 23 1
2189 Your honor, please bear with me with the next witness 1.2809 0.05533 89 67 19 3
2190 ... and where did the accused touch you?" 1.2809 0.05051 89 65 23 1
2191 Please Mr fuzzles can I have a go? 1.2809 0.05977 89 69 15 5
2192 It’s your testimony that the defendant took cookies from the cookie jar? 1.2809 0.05297 89 66 21 2
2193 We ask the court to grant this application of habeas ursus. 1.2804 0.05442 107 83 18 6
2194 Where do you want me to start... When he was two.... 1.2804 0.04932 107 80 24 3
2195 I have no questions for this witness, Your Honor. I just want to cuddle him. 1.2800 0.06169 75 57 15 3
2196 Your Honor, he may look like a big old Teddy-bear, but he's really a ruthless killer. 1.2800 0.06169 75 57 15 3
2197 Your honor and umm... y-your teddy? 1.2800 0.06169 75 57 15 3
2198 Objection! Your honor, the defense has stuffed their witness full of fluff to win the affection of the jury 1.2800 0.05869 75 56 17 2
2199 Your Honor, don't let the defendant's innocent and adorable looks fool you. 1.2800 0.05869 75 56 17 2
2200 Were you chronically withholding with the plaintif? 1.2800 0.06169 75 57 15 3
2201 Do you actually expect the Court to believe these storybook tales? 1.2800 0.05700 100 78 16 6
2202 I'm going to hand you a doll that is anatomically correct. Please show the judge where the man hid the drugs. 1.2800 0.06454 75 58 13 4
2203 I ask the judge to declare him a hospitable witness. 1.2800 0.06169 75 57 15 3
2204 Relax now, you've been judged not guilty. 1.2800 0.06169 75 57 15 3
2205 Yes, I saw him crying, but not just tonight, every night. 1.2800 0.06454 75 58 13 4
2206 Objection, witness is non responsive. 1.2800 0.05333 100 76 20 4
2207 I’m fed up listening to his bear faced lies! 1.2796 0.05590 93 71 18 4
2208 Your honor, this witness is unbearable. 1.2796 0.05376 93 70 20 3
2209 Your Honor, my client pleads the fifth with regard to alleged events on the night of the picnic in the woods 1.2796 0.05795 93 72 16 5
2210 Counsel, I deny your motion and set the bail at $50,000 as your client is a risk for hibernation. 1.2796 0.05154 93 69 22 2
2211 No I won't pull your string for an answer. 1.2796 0.05154 93 69 22 2
2212 Your Honor, I fear his testimony might be "too hot" for the jury to bear. 1.2796 0.04922 93 68 24 1
2213 Your honor, I move to stroke. 1.2796 0.05590 93 71 18 4
2214 We'd like a brief recess, Your Honor, while we wind up the defendant.' 1.2796 0.04922 93 68 24 1
2215 Sir, the right to bear arms does not refer to hugs. 1.2796 0.05376 93 70 20 3
2216 Your Honor, please instruct Mr Ruxpin to answer the question. 1.2796 0.05376 93 70 20 3
2217 You were called here to bear witness. 1.2796 0.05154 93 69 22 2
2218 It appears the last witness was sitting on some key evidence. 1.2796 0.05154 93 69 22 2
2219 Remember,...you are under oath and sworn to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth. He is not responding Your Honor! 1.2796 0.05993 93 73 14 6
2220 YOUR HONOR, I OBECT TO THIS WITNESS, HE IS OBVIOUSY A TOY OF THE DEFENSE 1.2796 0.05795 93 72 16 5
2221 Your honor, this so called Teddy bear, did not properly perform his comforting duties. 1.2796 0.05993 93 73 14 6
2222 I never signed a consent form for an intraocular lens implant! 1.2796 0.05993 93 73 14 6
2223 The cute and cuddly act isn't fooling anyone Mr Snugglesworth. Last chance, where are the bodies hidden? 1.2796 0.05376 93 70 20 3
2224 What was the first time you were sworn to secrecy as her imaginary friend? 1.2796 0.05376 93 70 20 3
2225 Please, Mr. Teddy. A yes or no answer. Were you not, in fact, wearing a disguise when you went into the woods that day? 1.2796 0.05993 93 73 14 6
2226 Yes, your honor, I do plan to knock the stuffing out of this witness. 1.2796 0.05154 93 69 22 2
2227 I’m going to have to request a recess, your honor. The defendant is OBVIOUSLY in need of a nap. 1.2796 0.05795 93 72 16 5
2228 We respect your right to bear arms but not nudity 1.2796 0.05795 93 72 16 5
2229 You swear to tell the truth, so help you Steiff? 1.2796 0.05154 93 69 22 2
2230 But I take him everywhere. 1.2796 0.05590 93 71 18 4
2231 And do you go by a name other than Theodore Ursus? 1.2796 0.05154 93 69 22 2
2232 Your honor, the witness needs a hug before responding. 1.2796 0.05154 93 69 22 2
2233 Your honor, may we have a short recess for nappy time? 1.2796 0.05154 93 69 22 2
2234 Please tell the court, when did you last see Ms. Goldilocks? 1.2791 0.05646 86 65 18 3
2235 Your Honor- permission to treat this witness as cute and fuzzy. 1.2791 0.05398 86 64 20 2
2236 I swear, Your Honor, I'm allowed to vote in this state. 1.2788 0.05543 104 81 17 6
2237 Your honor, we are done with this witness. Prosecution calls Mark Wahlberg to the stand. 1.2778 0.05247 90 67 21 2
2238 I was asked to bear witness at this trial 1.2778 0.05480 90 68 19 3
2239 I have no further cuddles. 1.2778 0.05703 90 69 17 4
2240 Your honor, my client will not be toyed with any longer so long as there is no sewing machine in the house. 1.2778 0.05480 90 68 19 3
2241 You Honor, my client, Theodore Bear, would like to plead the Fifth. 1.2778 0.05247 90 67 21 2
2242 Sorry, your Honor, he admits to being made in China and I just thought that might be the reason for little Bobby's freakishly high math scores. 1.2778 0.06126 90 71 13 6
2243 Your honor, the defendant clearly shows no remorse for his grizzly crime. 1.2778 0.05247 90 67 21 2
2244 Your honor, please direct the bailiff to squeeze the witness's tummy, so his answer will play for the court. 1.2778 0.05703 90 69 17 4
2245 Can you bear a few more questions? 1.2778 0.05480 90 68 19 3
2246 As I bear witness your honor ... 1.2778 0.05247 90 67 21 2
2247 Will your honor bear with me? 1.2778 0.05480 90 68 19 3
2248 You can't judge me. I'm not human. 1.2778 0.05703 90 69 17 4
2249 At 8:30PM last night whose bed were you in? 1.2778 0.05918 90 70 15 5
2250 My name is Donny! They never gets it right, and I am innocent! 1.2778 0.05247 90 67 21 2
2251 What do you think I am: A fly on the wall? 1.2778 0.05703 90 69 17 4
2252 I'm sorry, your Honor. He was the only witness to the crime. 1.2778 0.05480 90 68 19 3
2253 When I say bring all the witnesses available, I mean ALL of them. 1.2778 0.05480 90 68 19 3
2254 Guilty of snuggling. 1.2778 0.05247 90 67 21 2
2255 That was before, Miranda. Now you can just plead the 5th. 1.2778 0.05247 90 67 21 2
2256 Your Honor, I'd like to request a sidebar about this sly bear who barely answers my questions. 1.2778 0.05918 90 70 15 5
2257 Your Honor, may I approach the witness? I need to pull his string. 1.2778 0.05480 90 68 19 3
2258 Mr. Pooh, are you or are you not familiar with the honey scandal? 1.2778 0.05480 90 68 19 3
2259 But your honor, with all due respect, our witness saw them dump hundreds of thousands of ballots in the river. 1.2778 0.05247 90 67 21 2
2260 The interpreter has been delayed in the woods, your Honor... 1.2778 0.05918 90 70 15 5
2261 Your Honor, let's not plush to judgement. 1.2778 0.05918 90 70 15 5
2262 And is it true you came without a squeaker. 1.2778 0.05480 90 68 19 3
2263 Your Honour, permission to treat the witness as passive aggressive. 1.2778 0.05918 90 70 15 5
2264 Are you asking this Court to believe that you never heard Elvis Presley's (Let Me Your) Teddy Bear before you composed "I Got To Be Me"? 1.2778 0.05703 90 69 17 4
2265 We're investigating your claim that you're a Steiff heir. 1.2778 0.05703 90 69 17 4
2266 Your honor, since this witness will not answer the question, I hereby request to be allowed to pull his string 1.2778 0.05004 90 66 23 1
2267 So your alibi is you couldn't have committed any maulings on Thanksgiving night because you were stuffed? 1.2778 0.05918 90 70 15 5
2268 . Do I look like a Winnie? 1.2778 0.05703 90 69 17 4
2269 How many tea parties did you attend willingly? 1.2778 0.05247 90 67 21 2
2270 Now show me using yourself, where did the defendant touch you 1.2778 0.05247 90 67 21 2
2271 Admit it. You voted for Biden! 1.2778 0.05703 90 69 17 4
2272 I was Judge Judy's role model 1.2766 0.04879 94 69 24 1
2273 May the record reflect that the defendant openly offered to be taken into custody". 1.2766 0.05108 94 70 22 2
2274 A motion of contempt for recalcitrant witness. 1.2766 0.04879 94 69 24 1
2275 These accusations are as real as my client is. 1.2766 0.05741 94 73 16 5
2276 Your honor, now he is claiming he is Teddy Roosevelt 1.2766 0.05741 94 73 16 5
2277 Sorry, but I no longer needed warm and fuzzy at bedtime. 1.2763 0.06098 76 58 15 3
2278 He's pleading the fifth, your honor 1.2763 0.05803 76 57 17 2
2279 The engagement with the child was less than innocent,your honor. 1.2763 0.06379 76 59 13 4
2280 Objection, Your Honor. The witness is being non-responsive. 1.2763 0.06098 76 58 15 3
2281 What do your friends call you, Theodore? 1.2763 0.05493 76 56 19 1
2282 Bear in mind: silence gives consent 1.2763 0.05803 76 57 17 2
2283 Move to strike, unresponsive. 1.2763 0.05803 76 57 17 2
2284 Your honor, please instruct the witness to refrain from referring to the defendant as ‘my girl’ 1.2763 0.05493 76 56 19 1
2285 your honor, I believe this witness is prejudiced in favor of the defendant, Christopher Robbins 1.2763 0.06098 76 58 15 3
2286 only in New York baby 1.2763 0.06379 76 59 13 4
2287 Your honor, the witness is non-responsive. 1.2759 0.05824 87 67 16 4
2288 And now the barely bare bear will bear witness to the barbaric beast who bears the burden of being barely bearable.... 1.2759 0.05089 87 64 22 1
2289 Yes, some judges are women. 1.2759 0.06049 87 68 14 5
2290 Well, I don't know your honor. You be the judge. 1.2759 0.05824 87 67 16 4
2291 Your Honor I submit that my witness cannot be declared hostile. 1.2759 0.05590 87 66 18 3
2292 Please tell the court where this hot porridge burned you. 1.2759 0.05345 87 65 20 2
2293 This fellow is guilty of withholding unconditional positive regard. 1.2759 0.05089 87 64 22 1
2294 Please speak up. You sound a little stuffed up. 1.2759 0.05590 87 66 18 3
2295 This is Ted 2 1.2759 0.05590 87 66 18 3
2296 Shall I call you 'Teddy' or Mr. Ruxpin? 1.2759 0.06049 87 68 14 5
2297 If it please the court, I’d like to treat this bear as a hostile witness ! 1.2759 0.05590 87 66 18 3
2298 She was born in captivity. 1.2759 0.06049 87 68 14 5
2299 Your honor, permission to treat this witness as lovable? 1.2759 0.05590 87 66 18 3
2300 Permission to treat the witness as un-cuddly? 1.2759 0.05590 87 66 18 3
2301 That’s the sweetest pleading the fifth I’ve ever heard. 1.2759 0.05590 87 66 18 3
2302 So you still claim, that this was your husband, Mrs. Trump 1.2759 0.06049 87 68 14 5
2303 So, Mr. Q, you're saying you had no idea the world would get so excited about your theories? 1.2759 0.06049 87 68 14 5
2304 What do you mean "bear false witness" your honor? 1.2759 0.05590 87 66 18 3
2305 Your Honor, please instruct the witness that support-toy/client privilege does not apply here. 1.2759 0.05590 87 66 18 3
2306 Do you, Teddimus Maximus, swear to be cute and nothing but cute? 1.2759 0.06049 87 68 14 5
2307 My client asserts his right to bear arms. 1.2759 0.05824 87 67 16 4
2308 Ladies and gentlemen, I invite you to bear witness 1.2759 0.05345 87 65 20 2
2309 I'll allow it 1.2759 0.05590 87 66 18 3
2310 She wanted to cuddle when you weren’t in the mood, and then what? 1.2754 0.06491 69 53 13 3
2311 Permission to treat the witness as cuddly, Your Honor. 1.2747 0.05861 91 71 15 5
2312 Objection, Your Honor. Non-responsive witness. 1.2747 0.05428 91 69 19 3
2313 This bear is stuffed full of lies, your Honor. 1.2747 0.05198 91 68 21 2
2314 Your honor, permission to squeeze the witness’ tummy for his response? 1.2747 0.05428 91 69 19 3
2315 Well of course the cartographer can’t hear him... she doesn’t believe hard enough. 1.2747 0.05428 91 69 19 3
2316 Your Honor, the defendant claims he has the right to bear arms. 1.2747 0.05861 91 71 15 5
2317 Your honor, permission to interrupt the witness' hibernation? 1.2747 0.05861 91 71 15 5
2318 This gives me renewed faith in eyewitness testimony. 1.2747 0.05428 91 69 19 3
2319 He refuses to answer my questions, Your Honor. Permission to treat the witness as hostile? 1.2747 0.05861 91 71 15 5
2320 If he's innocent, why does he have his hands up? 1.2747 0.05428 91 69 19 3
2321 You honor, my client insists the way he looked at her made her feel uncomfortable. 1.2747 0.04958 91 67 23 1
2322 Do you swear to be cuddly and nothing but cuddly? 1.2747 0.05198 91 68 21 2
2323 Eventually, I'm going to make you talk." 1.2747 0.05198 91 68 21 2
2324 If your Honor will bear with me, this witness's testimony will not bear scrutiny. 1.2747 0.05428 91 69 19 3
2325 He doesn't look like a hostile witness to me! 1.2747 0.04958 91 67 23 1
2326 '"The defense rejects this potential juror on the grounds it may use its cuteness to influence the court" 1.2747 0.05198 91 68 21 2
2327 He says, "We got the wrong Teddy Bear - he has thousands of identical brothers and sisters." 1.2747 0.04958 91 67 23 1
2328 Your Honor, the prosecution appreciates a "bear witness" pun, but can we please check the nanny cam? 1.2747 0.05649 91 70 17 4
2329 I was just walking along when I heard this noise, it sounded like this, zzzzzz and then I saw it you were strangling my mother!! 1.2747 0.05861 91 71 15 5
2330 My client pleads “Not Quilty.” 1.2747 0.05428 91 69 19 3
2331 So, you’ve been acquaintances with the Big Baby for quite some time now. Mr. Teddy Bear, do you have anything to say about the $750 of federal income taxes he paid during the year he won the presidency? 1.2747 0.05428 91 69 19 3
2332 I can confirm that the signature on my ballot matches the one on my license, your honor 1.2747 0.05649 91 70 17 4
2333 You say you were stuffed by the defendant against your will? 1.2740 0.05936 73 55 16 2
2334 We know Piglet went missing the same day you had that big bacon breakfast. Now that seems like an awfully big coincidence wouldn't you say, Mr. Pooh bear? 1.2737 0.05487 95 73 18 4
2335 Come now, don't you think it's just too easy to blame my client for all your porridge, chair and bed nightmares? 1.2727 0.05535 88 67 18 3
2336 Your Honor, the defendant's gesture suggests he has no idea what became of plaintiff's giraffe." 1.2727 0.05535 88 67 18 3
2337 Your Honor, permission to treat this bear as a hostile witness. 1.2727 0.05535 88 67 18 3
2338 This is a stuffed kangaroo court! 1.2727 0.05535 88 67 18 3
2339 Your honor, the defendant will now recall the harrowing events that occurred at Pooh Corner. 1.2727 0.05766 88 68 16 4
2340 I can't bear this witness. 1.2727 0.05294 88 66 20 2
2341 Let the record show that the witness refuses to answer. 1.2727 0.05766 88 68 16 4
2342 You are so full of it. 1.2727 0.05766 88 68 16 4
2343 My client invokes his Second Amendment right to bear arms. 1.2727 0.05294 88 66 20 2
2344 This IS technically a bear witness testimony. 1.2727 0.05294 88 66 20 2
2345 Travesty of justice, your honor? Guilty. But this bear still has a compelling story the jurors deserve to hear. 1.2727 0.05535 88 67 18 3
2346 Where were you when Bobby was going poopee? 1.2727 0.05766 88 68 16 4
2347 Well, he tells the whole truth, when he tells anything at all. 1.2727 0.05294 88 66 20 2
2348 I implore you to reconsider. Does this look like the face of a killer? 1.2727 0.05535 88 67 18 3
2349 So it IS true you are from China isn't it, Mr Bear?! 1.2727 0.05294 88 66 20 2
2350 Stop badgering the witness. 1.2727 0.05041 88 65 22 1
2351 Your Honor. I object to Teddy Bear being called as a character witness for the ten-year-old defendant. 1.2727 0.05041 88 65 22 1
2352 Teddy, it will be difficult for you to bear this cross examination. 1.2727 0.04636 88 66 21 1
2353 Just a simple yes or no please. 1.2727 0.05294 88 66 20 2
2354 Tell us where he touched you. 1.2727 0.05535 88 67 18 3
2355 In your own words. What happened to Goldilocks? 1.2727 0.05294 88 66 20 2
2356 It’s a hot seat, your Honor. And the floor is lava. 1.2727 0.05766 88 68 16 4
2357 Need I remind you Teddy, that it is perjury for a bear to be a false witness. 1.2727 0.05535 88 67 18 3
2358 We have ways of making you talk. 1.2727 0.05294 88 66 20 2
2359 After Judy started crying, then what happened? 1.2727 0.05766 88 68 16 4
2360 Request permission to treat him as a hostile witness your honor! 1.2727 0.05535 88 67 18 3
2361 He's claiming he is a victim of children abuse. 1.2727 0.05294 88 66 20 2
2362 It's my client's emotional support representative, your honor. 1.2727 0.05294 88 66 20 2
2363 Your Honor, please direct the witness to answer the question. 1.2727 0.05535 88 67 18 3
2364 Your honor, the witness is very obviously toying with the court. 1.2727 0.05535 88 67 18 3
2365 Well, this is a first. I have heard people bear witness but I have never had a bear witness. 1.2727 0.05294 88 66 20 2
2366 I would remind Your Honor that this is a hostile witness. 1.2727 0.05766 88 68 16 4
2367 Before I start, I must remind you that you have the right to remain silent. 1.2727 0.05294 88 66 20 2
2368 Mr. Fuzzy: Were you found in the bed of an underage female on November 7,2020? 1.2727 0.05041 88 65 22 1
2369 Your honor, Mr. Cuddles may have a reliable memory, but as a witness, he's just got buttons for eyes. 1.2727 0.05294 88 66 20 2
2370 Overruled, Counsel. It is the right to “bare arms”, not “bear arms.” 1.2727 0.05535 88 67 18 3
2371 Let the record show that the witness has gestured to the defendant, when asked who committed the boo-boo. 1.2727 0.05041 88 65 22 1
2372 I thought she was an intruder. 1.2727 0.05535 88 67 18 3
2373 Please instruct the witness to stop being cuddly. 1.2727 0.05041 88 65 22 1
2374 We traced this illegal mail-in ballot to Teddy,and there are plenty more where that came from. 1.2727 0.05535 88 67 18 3
2375 Winnie-the-Pooh, who? 1.2727 0.05294 88 66 20 2
2376 He may look soft, but inside he's full of those hard spherical beads. 1.2727 0.05988 88 69 14 5
2377 Who were you sleeping with the night in question? 1.2727 0.05535 88 67 18 3
2378 And where were you when piglet went missing 1.2727 0.05294 88 66 20 2
2379 I want the truth” “You can’t BEAR the truth 1.2727 0.05535 88 67 18 3
2380 Kindly tell the court when it was exactly that you felt you could no longer give hugs. 1.2727 0.05988 88 69 14 5
2381 For the last time: Where are Woody and Buzz? 1.2727 0.05535 88 67 18 3
2382 You comfortable? 1.2727 0.05535 88 67 18 3
2383 This is their character witness? 1.2727 0.05535 88 67 18 3
2384 so you admit you didn’t sign your ballot Theodore 1.2727 0.05766 88 68 16 4
2385 Why the big pause in your testimony?” “I was born with them. 1.2727 0.05988 88 69 14 5
2386 And did you, or did you not, say “if being cuddly is a crime, sue me”? 1.2727 0.06312 66 50 14 2
2387 The witness is taking the Fifth..... 1.2718 0.05198 103 79 20 4
2388 Permission to treat the witness as hostile and cute Your Honor. 1.2718 0.05198 103 79 20 4
2389 He can certify my client's cuddle appeal. 1.2717 0.05377 92 70 19 3
2390 Trumpy Bear on trial for his life. 1.2717 0.05804 92 72 15 5
2391 And den he frew me against de wall when Biden won! He made me pay for de hole in de wall. 1.2717 0.05595 92 71 17 4
2392 Being a teddy bear does not excuse you from our seat belt laws! 1.2717 0.05595 92 71 17 4
2393 Isn't This A real person, miss? 1.2717 0.05595 92 71 17 4
2394 Ok Bear Dummy Up!! 1.2716 0.05559 81 61 18 2
2395 And where were you on the day the Teddy bears had their picknick? 1.2714 0.06410 70 54 13 3
2396 Can you show us where the victim touched you? 1.2706 0.05128 85 63 21 1
2397 Your honor, the witness's snuggle was not responsive to the question. 1.2706 0.05648 85 65 17 3
2398 And so your alibi is that you were allegedly cuddling at the time in question? 1.2706 0.05648 85 65 17 3
2399 Your Honor, I have a warrant for DNA testing of one Theodore Bear's stuffing. 1.2706 0.05128 85 63 21 1
2400 You accuse the defendant for abandoning you at age 40 for a hot water bottle? 1.2706 0.05648 85 65 17 3
2401 Now Mr Tumbles, would you please show us on yourself where the plaintiff touched you? 1.2706 0.04847 85 62 23 0
2402 Mr. Ruxpin's voicemitter is lap-activated, so if your Honor wouldn't mind.... 1.2706 0.05648 85 65 17 3
2403 I can't bear witness to this. 1.2706 0.05394 85 64 19 2
2404 Do you promise to bear all? 1.2706 0.05648 85 65 17 3
2405 Your Honor, I request permission to treat this witness as hostile to becoming a full-fledged adult. 1.2706 0.06348 85 68 11 6
2406 On the night in question Mr. Pooh, didn't you notice whether Piglet and Eeyore were covered in blood? 1.2706 0.06124 85 67 13 5
2407 Your honor, I’m afraid the defendant is keeping their mouth sewn shut. 1.2706 0.05394 85 64 19 2
2408 Your Honor, I ask permission to treat this witness as adorable. 1.2706 0.05128 85 63 21 1
2409 Don't play the silent game with me! 1.2706 0.05891 85 66 15 4
2410 Your Honor, I believe the witness is exercising its right to remain silent. 1.2706 0.05394 85 64 19 2
2411 Sir, are you ready to bear witness? 1.2706 0.05394 85 64 19 2
2412 Let the record show that the defendant is constructed of all man-made materials. 1.2706 0.05648 85 65 17 3
2413 Just the facts, counsel, the bear facts. 1.2706 0.05128 85 63 21 1
2414 The defendant has already admitted to being stuffed and plush the night of the crime. 1.2706 0.05891 85 66 15 4
2415 There will be no further questions about what happens in the woods. 1.2706 0.05394 85 64 19 2
2416 I refuse to question this witness. He can barely speak. 1.2706 0.05891 85 66 15 4
2417 Is it true that you slept with the plaintiff's daughter while she was still a minor? 1.2706 0.05394 85 64 19 2
2418 I wasn't cheering the Cowboys touchdown. My arms are always like this. 1.2706 0.05648 85 65 17 3
2419 Body language says a lot 1.2706 0.06124 85 67 13 5
2420 Do you really expect us to believe that the Defendant can't be guilty because he spent the entire night in bed with you? 1.2706 0.05394 85 64 19 2
2421 Cuddly doesn’t cut it in this court, Counsel. 1.2706 0.05394 85 64 19 2
2422 Was the defendant at home with you the entire night in question? 1.2706 0.05648 85 65 17 3
2423 Your honor, I request permission to question Mr. Bear as a hostile witness. 1.2706 0.06348 85 68 11 6
2424 Objection Your Honor. This is obviously only bear-say. 1.2706 0.05394 85 64 19 2
2425 Objection, your honor. Defense is cuddling the witness. 1.2706 0.05648 85 65 17 3
2426 No, teddy bears can't take the Fifth. 1.2706 0.05648 85 65 17 3
2427 Your honor, I’d like to request a sidebear. 1.2706 0.05648 85 65 17 3
2428 You can’t just grin and bear it. 1.2706 0.05648 85 65 17 3
2429 Just the bear facts please sir 1.2706 0.05394 85 64 19 2
2430 Sustained, there's no way this witness could have known who needed a snuggle. 1.2706 0.05891 85 66 15 4
2431 So you say you're cuddly. 1.2706 0.05891 85 66 15 4
2432 Come on, act your age! 1.2706 0.05128 85 63 21 1
2433 Don’t just sit there looking innocent, tell her honor about your sleeping with a minor! 1.2706 0.05648 85 65 17 3
2434 I withdraw the question. May I please cuddle the witness? 1.2706 0.05891 85 66 15 4
2435 Now, what did you do next after you ran her off for sleeping in your bed? 1.2706 0.05128 85 63 21 1
2436 I understand you're here to bear witness. 1.2706 0.05648 85 65 17 3
2437 "With your permission, I'd like to treat him as a hostile witness. 1.2706 0.05394 85 64 19 2
2438 Your Honor, please direct the witness to quit giving warm and fuzzy answers. 1.2706 0.05648 85 65 17 3
2439 Your Honor, this is obviously a hostile witness. 1.2706 0.05128 85 63 21 1
2440 Can you point to the man who beat the stuffing out of you? 1.2706 0.05648 85 65 17 3
2441 Your honor, please instruct the witness to look less supercilious. 1.2706 0.05648 85 65 17 3
2442 Permission to knock the stuffing out of this witness, your honor? 1.2706 0.05128 85 63 21 1
2443 Please instruct the witness to stop being cute and answer the question. 1.2706 0.05891 85 66 15 4
2444 Your Honor the witness seems to be "pleading the fifth" 1.2706 0.05648 85 65 17 3
2445 We object and move to stwike the wast wesponse. 1.2706 0.05394 85 64 19 2
2446 Your honor, my client would like to change his plea to 'cuddly.' 1.2706 0.05128 85 63 21 1
2447 He'd like to approach the bench for a snuggle. 1.2706 0.05128 85 63 21 1
2448 Your Honor, I object to the unbearable cuteness of the witness. 1.2706 0.05128 85 63 21 1
2449 Your Honor, underneath that adorable demeanor, Teddy really is a hostile witness. 1.2706 0.05128 85 63 21 1
2450 Request a sidebear, Your Honor. 1.2706 0.05648 85 65 17 3
2451 As the organizer of the picnic you were responsible for masks and social distancing! 1.2706 0.05648 85 65 17 3
2452 Objection your Honor! Everything this witness said is bearsay. 1.2706 0.05648 85 65 17 3
2453 Yeah that’s him, alright. He’s the one that stopped hugging me 40 years ago. 1.2706 0.05128 85 63 21 1
2454 Your lawsuit claims unwanted hugging 1.2706 0.05128 85 63 21 1
2455 That's right. I was asleep the whole time. Those are the bear facts. 1.2706 0.05891 85 66 15 4
2456 Jail time? I’ve always wanted jail time! 1.2706 0.05394 85 64 19 2
2457 Your honor, I believe my client will aways plead the fifth. 1.2706 0.06124 85 67 13 5
2458 Your Honor, i say play time is over, jail time starts now for this animal! 1.2706 0.05394 85 64 19 2
2459 He was the one hugging me. Apparently, all stuffed bears look alike,” stated Teddy 1.2706 0.05394 85 64 19 2
2460 No, no, HE is being soft. 1.2706 0.05394 85 64 19 2
2461 This cannot be the way you intend to bear witness. 1.2703 0.05867 74 56 16 2
2462 Mr. BEAR, are you telling me that this child is responsible for breaking into your house, eatting your porridge, breaking your chair, and innocently falling asleep in your bed? 1.2703 0.06467 74 58 12 4
2463 Do you hate little warm puppies? 1.2703 0.05867 74 56 16 2
2464 You have the right to remain silent, but not to be so damn cute. 1.2703 0.05867 74 56 16 2
2465 Mr. Teddy, did you or did you not put your paw on Miss Raggedy Ann without consent? 1.2703 0.06174 74 57 14 3
2466 The defendant is taking his fifth,your honor. 1.2703 0.06174 74 57 14 3
2467 Your honor we request a recess for snacks. 1.2703 0.06467 74 58 12 4
2468 But you hid the material fact that your real name is 'Edward Ursus.' 1.2703 0.06467 74 58 12 4
2469 Your Honor, I can assure the court that the teddy witnessed everything. 1.2703 0.05867 74 56 16 2
2470 You are the only witness to the crime and the judge has ordered you to play the tape for the jury. 1.2703 0.06174 74 57 14 3
2471 As his only alibi, I'm asking again: Where was Mitchell on Oct. 24th at approximately 9:15 p.m.? 1.2703 0.05867 74 56 16 2
2472 Judge, Can I have a side-bear? 1.2703 0.05867 74 56 16 2
2473 With respect Your Honor, I do not sign and ask for translation. 1.2703 0.05867 74 56 16 2
2474 For the last time you must speak louder and enunciate your answers clearly or be found in contempt of court! 1.2703 0.05543 74 55 18 1
2475 Your Honor, he's only her to testify about the bear facts. 1.2703 0.06174 74 57 14 3
2476 Your honour! He is here to bear witness 1.2703 0.05867 74 56 16 2
2477 Your Honor, calling the President's main witness for voter fraud, Mr. T. Bear. 1.2703 0.06467 74 58 12 4
2478 I know the witness isn't answering counselor, but I just can't call him "hostile". 1.2703 0.05867 74 56 16 2
2479 Alright! It’s true! It was 45 years ago, but yes, I slept with the defendant. 1.2703 0.05867 74 56 16 2
2480 Your honor, I have a constitutional right to bear arms 1.2703 0.05867 74 56 16 2
2481 Your honor, I plead that thing do be farting tho 1.2703 0.06467 74 58 12 4
2482 I’m sorry. I can barely hear you. 1.2697 0.05243 89 67 20 2
2483 I don't believe that stuffed animals have Fifth Amendment rights. 1.2697 0.05929 89 70 14 5
2484 He said he was going to beat the stuffing out of you. Is that an accurate quote? 1.2697 0.04993 89 66 22 1
2485 With your permission, I'd like to treat the witness as hostile. 1.2697 0.05481 89 68 18 3
2486 Jennifer is your owner, and it is your assertation you have no idea how a dozen cases of stolen honey ended up in her bedroom? 1.2697 0.04993 89 66 22 1
2487 And Mr. T. Bear, just how many times did the defendant hug you? 1.2697 0.05243 89 67 20 2
2488 I object. He's just sitting there waiting for me to play with him. 1.2697 0.05709 89 69 16 4
2489 Mr Stuffy then whom, pray tell, stole the cookie from the cookie jar? 1.2697 0.05243 89 67 20 2
2490 My witness says he was sooooooo big 1.2697 0.05481 89 68 18 3
2491 I come to bear witness 1.2697 0.05929 89 70 14 5
2492 Your honor, do I have permission to cuddle the witness? 1.2697 0.05709 89 69 16 4
2493 I'm declaring him a hostile witness, since he refuses to answer my questions. 1.2697 0.04731 89 65 24 0
2494 Counselor, I can barely hear the witness. 1.2697 0.05709 89 69 16 4
2495 All I told her was to "go stuff it." 1.2697 0.05709 89 69 16 4
2496 I just didn't feel like sleeping yet, Your Honor. 1.2697 0.05481 89 68 18 3
2497 Help me out here. Now you're saying Today's the day? 1.2688 0.05542 93 72 17 4
2498 Don't give that innocent looking teddy bear look. We found DNA from the Cabbage Patch Doll all over your fur. 1.2688 0.05103 93 70 21 2
2499 So as you can see your honor, eye witness testimony on Election Day fraud is astoundingly credible.... 1.2688 0.05327 93 71 19 3
2500 Your honour, Mr. Cuddlesworth will bring his unique experience to bear on the case. 1.2683 0.05220 82 61 20 1
2501 I believe I have some bad news. 1.2683 0.05768 82 63 16 3
2502 Permission for recess, Your Honor. 1.2683 0.05768 82 63 16 3
2503 I apologize for my client's nudity. He usually wears a teddy. 1.2683 0.05768 82 63 16 3
2504 You say you care; but what is it you actually care about? 1.2683 0.05768 82 63 16 3
2505 Don't play that innocent act with me. 1.2683 0.05220 82 61 20 1
2506 Your honor, permission to treat the witness as huggable? 1.2683 0.05220 82 61 20 1
2507 So, Mr. Bear, the defendant paid you to sleep in his bed how many times? 1.2683 0.05501 82 62 18 2
2508 You can't accuse the witness of being a bear-faced liar, Counsellor! 1.2683 0.05220 82 61 20 1
2509 He's actually more cooperative than I had imagined. 1.2683 0.05501 82 62 18 2
2510 Mr.Bear, Please tell the court your given, not your nickname! 1.2683 0.05768 82 63 16 3
2511 So you’re sticking to the story that your mama and papa bear accidentally broke the bed and fell into the porridge and left everything to you and Goldilocks? 1.2683 0.06023 82 64 14 4
2512 Not to worry. He's not capable of being hostile to either side. 1.2683 0.06023 82 64 14 4
2513 Ok if he raises both hands while I repeat after you?” 1.2683 0.05768 82 63 16 3
2514 Your Honor, my client, Mr. Teddy Bear works nights at a carnival so he couldn't have committed the crime. 1.2683 0.05220 82 61 20 1
2515 Tell me Theodore. By what name are you known by the defendant? 1.2683 0.06023 82 64 14 4
2516 Your Honor, the plaintiff states that his porridge was not just right! 1.2683 0.05220 82 61 20 1
2517 Bear witness,may it please the court. 1.2683 0.05501 82 62 18 2
2518 My really good friends call me Barkai Bear, so why don't you call me Mr. Bear. 1.2683 0.05501 82 62 18 2
2519 Your Honor, my client "Donnie" demands a recount in every blue state, for the next 100 years. 1.2683 0.06023 82 64 14 4
2520 Your Honor, the prosecution finds the witness’ testimony a little fuzzy. 1.2683 0.05220 82 61 20 1
2521 Are you, or are you not, cuddly wuddly woo? 1.2683 0.05220 82 61 20 1
2522 If you are finished with my witness your honor, he would like to go back into hibernation. 1.2683 0.05501 82 62 18 2
2523 It appears someone has been stuffing the court. 1.2683 0.05501 82 62 18 2
2524 Bear with me while the bear is with you. 1.2683 0.06023 82 64 14 4
2525 Teddy, would you describe the defendant as a loving human? 1.2683 0.05220 82 61 20 1
2526 My client did not make a cent on the sale of the 100 Acre Wood to the Royal Land Development Company. 1.2683 0.05501 82 62 18 2
2527 Your Honor, this bear witness does not bear witness! 1.2683 0.06023 82 64 14 4
2528 Your honor, this witness can testify that my client was with him the whole night of the incident. 1.2683 0.05220 82 61 20 1
2529 You insist you're a bear, Mr. Fuzzy Wuzzy, but you have no hair. 1.2683 0.06023 82 64 14 4
2530 Your honor, admonish the witness to answer my question. It does not matter that he is cuddly-wuddly. 1.2683 0.05501 82 62 18 2
2531 You're pretty stiff for a Steiff 1.2683 0.06023 82 64 14 4
2532 A teddy bear cannot be a hostile witness; they're too cute. 1.2683 0.05220 82 61 20 1
2533 Your Honor, this was a trusting, happy little bear before Miss 'Lock's lame-brained home invasion. 1.2683 0.05220 82 61 20 1
2534 Okaaay...I think this role play is getting too detailed. 1.2683 0.05768 82 63 16 3
2535 When did your owner began to make light of your right to bear arms? 1.2683 0.05501 82 62 18 2
2536 Counsellor, in this court of law, please address all arguments to Theodore Bear, Esq. 1.2683 0.05768 82 63 16 3
2537 Of course I didn’t eat it! 1.2683 0.05501 82 62 18 2
2538 His testimony is all fluff, your honor. 1.2683 0.05501 82 62 18 2
2539 And can we presume you will continue to plead the fifth on ALL my questions sir? 1.2683 0.04923 82 60 22 0
2540 He was there the whole time, your honor, and did not witness a crime. 1.2683 0.05220 82 61 20 1
2541 If you don’t like the verdict you can stuff it! 1.2676 0.06004 71 54 15 2
2542 Your honor, the witness's testimony has no bearing on the case. 1.2674 0.05078 86 64 21 1
2543 Your Honor, may I have permission to treat the witness as cuddly-wuddly? 1.2674 0.05341 86 65 19 2
2544 So you agree then that Fuzzy Wuzzy wasn’t fuzzy, was he? 1.2674 0.05591 86 66 17 3
2545 But uncle Donald said I would never be arrested for planting the evidence on the Biden kid 1.2674 0.06282 86 69 11 6
2546 Just the facts, please. Just the bare facts. 1.2674 0.05078 86 64 21 1
2547 He's exercising his right to keep silent. 1.2674 0.05591 86 66 17 3
2548 Your Honor, the first chair was too big. The second chair was too small. This chair is just right. No further questions. 1.2674 0.05078 86 64 21 1
2549 Yes, I can handle the truth. 1.2674 0.05078 86 64 21 1
2550 Your honor - request permission to treat as a hostile witness. 1.2674 0.05830 86 67 15 4
2551 She won't cuddle anymore. 1.2674 0.05341 86 65 19 2
2552 This seems ridiculous. 1.2674 0.05591 86 66 17 3
2553 Permission to treat the witness as warm and cuddly? 1.2674 0.05341 86 65 19 2
2554 Did you or did you not eat all of the porridge? 1.2674 0.05341 86 65 19 2
2555 Can you show where at on the human you were touched? 1.2674 0.05830 86 67 15 4
2556 Agreed, counselor, I will recuse myself as I did, in fact, recently sleep with the witness. 1.2674 0.05591 86 66 17 3
2557 I can bearly hear you. 1.2674 0.05591 86 66 17 3
2558 Can you show us where the little boy touched you. 1.2674 0.05591 86 66 17 3
2559 Your honour my client is not guilty of giving too many cuddles. 1.2674 0.05341 86 65 19 2
2560 I had to kill him. He said my head was full of stuffing. 1.2674 0.05591 86 66 17 3
2561 Your honor, I request permission to treat this witness as cuddly. 1.2674 0.05078 86 64 21 1
2562 In law school, I had a different understanding of "bear witness." 1.2674 0.05078 86 64 21 1
2563 Your honor, I suspect witness tampering. His pockets are stuffed. 1.2674 0.05341 86 65 19 2
2564 You can’t bear the truth! 1.2674 0.05591 86 66 17 3
2565 Your defense is if we don't need to wear masks, why should you need to wear clothes? 1.2674 0.05591 86 66 17 3
2566 Your Honor, I find the witness both uncooperative and unplayful 1.2674 0.05078 86 64 21 1
2567 Mr. Ted D. Bear, the bees have accused you unlawful honey theft and nefarious activity, how do you respond to that? 1.2674 0.05341 86 65 19 2
2568 I just have one last question: can I please hold you for just a minute? 1.2674 0.05341 86 65 19 2
2569 Motion to give the defendant a widdle hug is denied. 1.2674 0.05830 86 67 15 4
2570 Will your Honor please instruct the witness to stop being so cute answering my questions. 1.2674 0.05591 86 66 17 3
2571 Please stop saying ‘Those are the bear facts!’ 1.2674 0.05591 86 66 17 3
2572 And now, please describe in your own words what happened next after the defendant said he was going to “put you away for good.” 1.2674 0.05078 86 64 21 1
2573 ...I know this is hard.... but please tell the court when did you first notice your friend the pink elephant missing... 1.2674 0.05830 86 67 15 4
2574 You’ see, Judge, the thing is, I’m the only one who understands him...and he’s the only one who understand me. 1.2674 0.05830 86 67 15 4
2575 He was going to replace me with videogames! I did what any teddy bear with dignity would do, I kidnapped my human! 1.2674 0.05830 86 67 15 4
2576 Request permission to treat as a hostile witness. 1.2674 0.05591 86 66 17 3
2577 I see...and where exactly was this picnic 1.2674 0.05341 86 65 19 2
2578 No, I don't want a cuddle. Besides, I'm the one asking the questions. 1.2667 0.05193 90 68 20 2
2579 Paddington Station? 1.2667 0.05193 90 68 20 2
2580 Yes, Your Honor. You will hear no puns from me. 1.2667 0.05193 90 68 20 2
2581 But I've always held meetings in the bedroom, naked. 1.2667 0.05193 90 68 20 2
2582 Can you show me where, exactly, your child touched you? 1.2667 0.04947 90 67 22 1
2583 You expect the court to believe you don't the whereabouts of Christopher Robin? 1.2667 0.05428 90 69 18 3
2584 No, Mr. Bear, you may not invoke the 5th. All counsel is asking is: “Do your handmade associates refer to you as ‘Teddy,’ ‘Ted,’ or ‘Plush’ - as the defendant alleges.” 1.2667 0.05653 90 70 16 4
2585 I had to kill her, you see. She ate my porridge and wouldn't leave my bed... 1.2667 0.05428 90 69 18 3
2586 Your Honor, it appears unbearably stuffy in here. 1.2667 0.05193 90 68 20 2
2587 And can anyone vouch for your whereabouts the night he jumped out of his crib? 1.2667 0.05653 90 70 16 4
2588 He's full of it, your Honor. 1.2651 0.05444 83 63 18 2
2589 Your honnor, permission to treat the AI nany cam as a hostile witness? 1.2651 0.05444 83 63 18 2
2590 " So, tell the court Mr. Baby Bear: exactly when did this alleged chair breaking supposedly occur?" 1.2651 0.05707 83 64 16 3
2591 I can't bear to cross exam him. 1.2651 0.05959 83 65 14 4
2592 Since the witness refuses to be cuddled I have no further questions your honor. 1.2651 0.05707 83 64 16 3
2593 Don't play cute with me. Answer the question! 1.2651 0.05444 83 63 18 2
2594 Your Honor, can you please instruct the witness to put some clothes on? 1.2651 0.05707 83 64 16 3
2595 Why did you want to avoid the regular bus stop? 1.2651 0.05167 83 62 20 1
2596 Yeah, pretty good thanks. Yourself? 1.2651 0.05959 83 65 14 4
2597 Mam...Everyone, including my client, has the right to bear arms 1.2651 0.05707 83 64 16 3
2598 Can you describe for this court how cute is just too cute? 1.2651 0.05444 83 63 18 2
2599 And you admit you were in charge of security for the victim 1.2651 0.05444 83 63 18 2
2600 'You're stuffed.' 1.2651 0.05959 83 65 14 4
2601 Is it true, you've been sleeping with the defendant? 1.2651 0.05167 83 62 20 1
2602 Teddy’ s not my real name, it’s an alias. 1.2651 0.05444 83 63 18 2
2603 It’s an obvious ploy to discourage social distancing and spread disease! 1.2651 0.06201 83 66 12 5
2604 You do realize that you have put yourself in a hairy situation.....? 1.2651 0.05167 83 62 20 1
2605 Your Honor, the witness is clearly speechless. 1.2651 0.05167 83 62 20 1
2606 Your Honor, the witness is requesting a brief recess for a hug. 1.2651 0.05707 83 64 16 3
2607 I’m sorry but this is an unbearable witness. 1.2651 0.05167 83 62 20 1
2608 Your Honor, I rest my Teddybear. 1.2651 0.05167 83 62 20 1
2609 He did what in the woods? 1.2651 0.05167 83 62 20 1
2610 I will ascertain that witness, Mr. Fuzzy Wuzzy, is devoid of moral fiber. 1.2651 0.05444 83 63 18 2
2611 Your honor, I assure you that Teddybear Bundy killed those dolls in cold fuzz. 1.2651 0.05444 83 63 18 2
2612 Teddy, you no longer have a right to remain silent. 1.2651 0.05959 83 65 14 4
2613 So you’re certain that every bear that ever there was was gathered there. 1.2651 0.05959 83 65 14 4
2614 My client refuses to testify until you address him as Theodore. 1.2651 0.05444 83 63 18 2
2615 Yes! She did sleep in my bed! 1.2651 0.05444 83 63 18 2
2616 We pray the Court admonish witness to not answer every question with,"POO." 1.2651 0.05959 83 65 14 4
2617 Your honor, I believe the witness saw the whole thing! 1.2651 0.06201 83 66 12 5
2618 Your Honor, I'm desperate, he treats me really bad... I can't bear Teddy anymore... 1.2651 0.05959 83 65 14 4
2619 Objection! Stop coddling the witness 1.2651 0.05444 83 63 18 2
2620 The defendant does not need to break for lunch: he's stuffed. 1.2651 0.05444 83 63 18 2
2621 You can’t say no to those eyes. 1.2651 0.05707 83 64 16 3
2622 I swear that I’m telling the truth; I did not take your blankey! 1.2651 0.05444 83 63 18 2
2623 Requesting permission to treat the witness as a lifeless teddy bear, your honor. 1.2651 0.05707 83 64 16 3
2624 Your honor, Mr. Buxburry can’t be held responsible for the contents caught on video, when said camera was shoved into his stuffing against his own will! 1.2651 0.05707 83 64 16 3
2625 Yes, the name is Amy Coney BEARet. No relation. 1.2651 0.05167 83 62 20 1
2626 I’m going to move to strike that answer as non-responsive. 1.2651 0.05167 83 62 20 1
2627 And youre claiming there was no federal funding used for the tea party? 1.2651 0.05707 83 64 16 3
2628 I believe the witness has made it clear that he was ‘in the shower.’ #legallyblonde 1.2651 0.05959 83 65 14 4
2629 Show on yourself where the bad man touched you 1.2651 0.05167 83 62 20 1
2630 Is charmin ultra soft your only line of business” “your honor this witness is being hostile 1.2651 0.05444 83 63 18 2
2631 His face says it all, Your Honor. The defendant presents a clear and present danger. 1.2644 0.05288 87 66 19 2
2632 His name's not Teddy! It's Betty. 1.2644 0.05771 87 68 15 4
2633 And, on the night of the election, did either Eric or Don Jr ask permission before hugging you? 1.2644 0.06217 87 70 11 6
2634 Where were you on the night of Mr. Cuddles disappearance. 1.2644 0.05535 87 67 17 3
2635 so you have witnessed the president sleeping during the whole corona crisis? 1.2644 0.05029 87 65 21 1
2636 SPILL IT TEDDY, WE KNOW YOU SEE EVERYTHING! 1.2637 0.05144 91 69 20 2
2637 Your honor, the Court wishes to prove that the accused is a threadbare imitation of a former President of the United States 1.2637 0.05144 91 69 20 2
2638 Really? I barely know her. 1.2632 0.05011 95 72 21 2
2639 Coul