Contest #648


Cartoon

648

The winning captions

These captions are chosen by The New Yorker.

  1. “It all started when we adopted a highway.”
  2. “So how did you and Thomas meet?”
  3. “It doesn't even stop here.”


Name Value
Submission deadline 2019-01-28T01:37:00.000Z
Voting started -
Voting ended 2019-02-11T01:40:00.000Z
Finalists announced 2019-02-05T01:39:00.000Z
Magazine(s) announcing finalists issued February 11, 2019
Number of captions 4246
Number of responses 708793
Number of participants -


Dashboard

In this table, the "mean" means the empirically measured average funniness score when the "unfunny", "somewhat funny" and "funny" receive a funniness score of 1, 2, 3 respectively. "Precison" is the standard error of the mean, the standard deviation of the mean estimate. With that, a caption with an empirical mean μ and precision σ has true mean in the range [μ - 2σ, μ + 2σ] with 95% probability by the 68-95-99.7 rule assuming the responses are indepedent and identically distributed.

Rank Caption Mean Precision Total votes "Unfunny" votes "Somewhat funny" votes "Funny" votes
0 This is the exact moment Susan realized she may be an accomplice and not a magician's assistant... 1.7018 0.06256 171 90 42 39
1 When I did this trick at my old accounting firm, they called it a felony. 1.6860 0.05976 172 88 50 34
2 It's not magic. It's a Georgia ballot box. 1.6514 0.06112 175 98 40 37
3 Here's a trick I learned from my lawyer. 1.6271 0.05648 177 95 53 29
4 You folks may have seen this trick in the last Florida election. 1.6265 0.06007 166 92 44 30
5 And now, ladies and gentleman, I will turn my assistant into an accomplice. 1.6051 0.06179 157 90 39 28
6 It's not obstruction if a magician does it. 1.5912 0.05728 159 87 50 22
7 Watch as I transform this ordinary magician's assistant into an accomplice to a federal crime. 1.5849 0.06071 159 93 39 27
8 I will now demonstrate the new Florida ballot box 1.5778 0.05456 180 102 52 26
9 And now for a trick I learned at the White House. 1.5769 0.06171 156 93 36 27
10 And voila - a paper shredder has been transformed into perfectly functioning ballot box. 1.5767 0.06086 163 98 36 29
11 Relax, it's not obstruction if it's magic. 1.5747 0.05423 174 97 54 23
12 The monthly ritual at the New Yorker after receiving my caption contest submission. 1.5660 0.06216 159 98 32 29
13 Watch while I attempt to assemble the IKEA furniture without the instructions! 1.5643 0.06100 140 80 41 19
14 Now I'll try paper; I apologize about the rabbit. 1.5615 0.05676 187 115 39 33
15 Watch closely as I turn collusion into an illusion. 1.5563 0.06518 142 88 29 25
16 Ladies & Gentlemen, I call this one the "Florida Ballot Box" 1.5556 0.06367 135 80 35 20
17 The President says there’s not a ‘shred of evidence’ and yet ladies and gentlemen ‘here we are.’ 1.5556 0.05874 162 97 40 25
18 I call this trick President Trump's suggestion box. 1.5523 0.05729 172 104 41 27
19 In DC, they call this trick the shred of decency. 1.5519 0.06114 154 94 35 25
20 And for my next trick I will provide a shred of evidence! 1.5515 0.05857 165 100 39 26
21 And now, I put my ballot in the Florida ballot box ... 1.5497 0.05574 171 101 46 24
22 I learned this trick from a congressman in North Carolina 1.5430 0.06143 151 93 34 24
23 Ladies and gentlemen, here’s a little trick I learned while attending Trump University... 1.5430 0.05502 186 114 43 29
24 And now . . . due to new rules and regulations put forth by PETA . . . I will write the word "rabbit" on this piece of paper and make it disappear!! 1.5429 0.05828 175 110 35 30
25 Well there goes the last shred of truth. 1.5422 0.05577 166 98 46 22
26 And here's a little trick i learned from my accountant. 1.5357 0.05782 168 104 38 26
27 You know it's still in the cloud, right? 1.5342 0.05978 161 101 34 26
28 And last, your mother's string bean casserole recipe. 1.5337 0.05592 163 97 45 21
29 Next ballot please. 1.5312 0.05943 160 100 35 25
30 This is how we vote in Georgia! 1.5311 0.05554 177 109 42 26
31 It's jammed. Must've been the rabbit. 1.5272 0.05554 184 116 39 29
32 I don't get it. This trick kills at corporate events. 1.5254 0.05555 177 110 41 26
33 See? The wand makes it feel less criminal. 1.5233 0.05309 172 102 50 20
34 It's magic: you put your ballot in here, and Republicans show up in Washington. 1.5212 0.05993 165 107 30 28
35 And now for a trick I perfected while working in the White House. 1.5203 0.05947 148 91 37 20
36 He better be good. Those are our Hamilton tickets. 1.5200 0.05779 175 113 33 29
37 My lawyer said if I shred it on stage we can call it artistic expression. 1.5195 0.05986 154 97 34 23
38 Ask yourself--does this document spark joy? 1.5141 0.06534 142 94 23 25
39 This shredder's been jamming since you made that cole slaw. 1.5132 0.06049 152 97 32 23
40 People complained when I used rabbits. 1.5109 0.06140 137 85 34 18
41 Oh, a North Carolina ballot box. 1.5109 0.05394 184 116 42 26
42 This is a classic trick that dates back to Watergate. 1.5060 0.05472 168 104 43 21
43 Here's a classic trick I learned when I worked for the Trump administration. 1.5058 0.05312 172 105 47 20
44 Of course your vote counts! 1.5057 0.05573 174 111 38 25
45 Voila! A shred of truth. 1.5030 0.05562 167 105 40 22
46 Allow me to demonstrate our new voting machines ~ just arrived from Moscow! 1.5029 0.05399 171 106 44 21
47 After I shred this subpoena, I'm going to pull a pardon out of my hat. 1.5029 0.05399 171 106 44 21
48 And now... a little trick I learned at Trump University! 1.5029 0.05368 175 109 44 22
49 And now, ladies and gentlemen, the translator's notes. 1.5000 0.05196 180 111 48 21
50 Ladies and gentlemen: how magic is used to count votes in North Carolina.” 1.5000 0.05871 158 102 33 23
51 You're right,Sally. The magic is gone. 1.4972 0.05278 179 112 45 22
52 Alabama voting booth 1.4971 0.05489 175 112 39 24
53 Here's a trick I recently preformed at the White House.. 1.4968 0.05959 155 101 31 23
54 I learned this trick when I was working at Enron. 1.4948 0.05129 194 123 46 25
55 Watch closely as I fix a North Carolina election, using only this common office appliance. 1.4944 0.05430 180 116 39 25
56 This illusion was recently performed in Washington, D.C. 1.4934 0.05977 152 99 31 22
57 Now watch in amazement as I escape criminal liability! 1.4911 0.05382 169 106 43 20
58 There's not a shred of evidence of collusion. 1.4907 0.05581 161 102 39 20
59 And now, I'm going to amaze you with a little trick I learned when I was working at the Georgia Department of Voter Registration. 1.4906 0.05704 159 102 36 21
60 I'm also available for birthday parties and cabinet meetings. 1.4901 0.04975 202 128 49 25
61 It's called the Magic Southern States voting machine" 1.4882 0.05486 170 109 39 22
62 Now you see it; Now it didn't happen. 1.4881 0.05405 168 106 42 20
63 Now I just say the magic words: Plausible deniability. 1.4881 0.05405 168 106 42 20
64 We switched to paper after PETA called about the rabbits 1.4880 0.05521 166 106 39 21
65 And here goes my last shred of dignity. 1.4859 0.05261 177 112 44 21
66 Here's a little trick I learned at Trump Tower. 1.4855 0.05351 173 110 42 21
67 Ta da! And just like that, I've transformed Olga from assistant to accomplice! 1.4852 0.05574 169 110 36 23
68 The White House Magician’s work is never done.... 1.4847 0.06052 163 112 23 28
69 It's a popular trick I learned in The White House... It's called, 'Permanent Redaction' 1.4845 0.05718 161 105 34 22
70 Anyone can make a live rabbit disappear. It's making the paper trail vanish that separates the amateurs from the pros. 1.4839 0.05365 155 95 45 15
71 Now watch carefully, as before your very eyes I, The Sensational Trumpo, take this perfectly ordinary copy of the US Constitution ... 1.4830 0.05221 176 111 45 20
72 Florida officially adopts the Banksy Ballot. 1.4826 0.05741 172 116 29 27
73 I learned this trick while working for the Archdiocese of Boston. 1.4819 0.05585 166 108 36 22
74 I understand the shredder. But why the hat and wand, Mr. President? 1.4810 0.05800 158 104 32 22
75 I learned this next trick while working at Enron... 1.4805 0.05390 154 95 44 15
76 At least this went down easier than the rabbit did. 1.4804 0.05451 179 118 36 25
77 For my next trick I'll need a volunteer and some scotch tape. 1.4802 0.05320 177 114 41 22
78 For this next trick, I will need a lawyer from the audience. 1.4795 0.05461 171 111 38 22
79 We should probably just use the hat for the bunny. 1.4794 0.05022 194 124 47 23
80 These are the facts. Now they aren't. 1.4790 0.05494 167 108 38 21
81 See what small hands can do: Constitution? What Constitution? 1.4785 0.05663 163 107 34 22
82 For my next trick, I'm going to demonstrate how the average American voting machine works. 1.4780 0.05840 159 106 30 23
83 Another summons from a woman sawed in half. 1.4765 0.05484 170 111 37 22
84 I learned this trick at the White House. 1.4764 0.05292 191 127 37 27
85 I’m pretty sure he said “shred the evidence,” but it could have been “there’s not a shred of evidence.” 1.4762 0.05533 168 110 36 22
86 It's what we accountants like to call "magic". 1.4751 0.05112 181 115 46 20
87 Florida electronic voting machine. 1.4744 0.06063 156 107 24 25
88 No, it's not tax fraud, it's magic. 1.4743 0.05365 175 114 39 22
89 The real trick is going paperless 1.4740 0.04958 173 106 52 15
90 I saw the President do this trick once, with his tax returns. 1.4737 0.05597 152 97 38 17
91 Yes, dear, I know. A real magician wouldn't have to plug this thing in. 1.4710 0.05591 155 100 37 18
92 And now for the magic words: “HOCUS POTUS!” 1.4709 0.05434 172 113 37 22
93 And let’s see what happens when we shred all sense of decency and compromise. 1.4709 0.05619 172 116 31 25
94 And that's how we make votes disappear in Florida. 1.4706 0.05419 170 111 38 21
95 Voting in Florida explained. 1.4702 0.05544 151 96 39 16
96 Do not try this with a rabbit. 1.4699 0.05582 166 110 34 22
97 Now before I slice my lovely assistant Tiffany in half, I will do something really daring and shred her liability waiver. 1.4693 0.05213 179 116 42 21
98 I would have never thought that our disappearing act would get us a gig at the White House. 1.4693 0.05152 179 115 44 20
99 And now - the Trump defense. 1.4688 0.05809 160 108 29 23
100 I learned this one when I was with the Trump Organization. 1.4686 0.05484 175 117 34 24
101 I tried this trick with a rabbit, but just once. 1.4682 0.05471 173 115 35 23
102 Abra cadabra... and the transcript of the meeting with Putin is gone. 1.4679 0.05563 156 101 37 18
103 Slightly less messy than with the rabbit. 1.4675 0.05244 169 108 43 18
104 No one charges Santini for drinks. 1.4675 0.05442 169 111 37 21
105 Due to the government shut down this cartoon has no caption. 1.4667 0.05541 165 109 35 21
106 Presto, the Florida vote is now counted! 1.4655 0.05385 174 115 37 22
107 The real magic is getting this thing not to jam. 1.4654 0.05030 159 97 50 12
108 But Mr. President, that's The Constitution. 1.4637 0.05388 179 120 35 24
109 And for my next trick, a new election result! 1.4630 0.05408 162 105 39 18
110 This next trick I first saw performed as a government intern. 1.4624 0.05087 173 110 46 17
111 And for my next trick, I’ll unjam the copier. 1.4620 0.05197 171 110 43 18
112 And for my next trick, I will need some tape. 1.4607 0.05046 178 114 46 18
113 Ladies and Gentlemen! Now you see it, now you don't. The last shred of decency in the world. 1.4605 0.05745 152 101 32 19
114 And now, I will magically double the value of this original work of art. 1.4598 0.05505 174 118 32 24
115 ...and now, for my next trick, I will process the absentee ballots for North Carolina's 9th before your very eyes. 1.4581 0.05208 179 118 40 21
116 I also work political parties. 1.4576 0.05002 177 113 47 17
117 The real trick is making you wonder about the shredder instead of why Sheila isn’t wearing pants. 1.4568 0.05188 162 103 44 15
118 I place the prenup into an ordinary Georgia ballot box . . . 1.4563 0.05871 160 111 25 24
119 And now the magic words--PLAUSIBLE DENIABILITY! 1.4561 0.05127 171 110 44 17
120 And for my next trick, I will make all of these Florida ballots disappear. 1.4560 0.04963 182 117 47 18
121 My next act I call Voter Suppression. 1.4556 0.05371 169 112 37 20
122 There goes the last shred of decency. 1.4551 0.05551 167 113 32 22
123 Abracadabra - and another absentee ballot is magically processed. 1.4545 0.05468 165 110 35 20
124 Due to PETA protests I will now only make this picture of a rabbit disappear 1.4534 0.05283 161 104 41 16
125 And Presto! In three minutes I'm going to find I really needed this. 1.4524 0.05260 168 110 40 18
126 Tell the Rabbit Union this is what I think of their demands. 1.4524 0.05459 168 113 34 21
127 To honor our President, I will now shred the U.S. Constitution." 1.4514 0.05417 175 119 33 23
128 It's an old trick I learned from Richard Nixon. 1.4511 0.04982 184 120 45 19
129 You're sure this is where I submit my absentee ballot?" 1.4506 0.05878 162 114 23 25
130 And now I will turn a felony into a misdemeanor 1.4505 0.04773 182 115 52 15
131 Georgia Democratic Voters! Step this way to cast your ballots in the midterm elections 1.4505 0.04899 182 117 48 17
132 It's my $1.4 Million check to Banksy 1.4503 0.05257 171 113 39 19
133 There’s nothing magical about it. It’s the Republican recommendation for new ballot boxes in blue states. 1.4500 0.05301 180 122 35 23
134 Not only will I restore this document to its original condition, it will also be heavily redacted. 1.4497 0.05099 169 109 44 16
135 Presto! No collusion! 1.4497 0.05434 169 114 34 21
136 Behold as I consider your request for Friday off. 1.4497 0.04888 169 106 50 13
137 This next trick is sponsored by Staples. 1.4494 0.04782 178 112 52 14
138 I am The Amazing Trumpini. First, I will shred the constitution. Then ... well, that's it. 1.4494 0.05346 178 121 34 23
139 And for my next trick, observe how I can make democracy disappear with our new populist ballot box. 1.4481 0.05454 154 101 37 16
140 This isn't part of the show, I just needed this shredder to be a business expense. 1.4479 0.05233 163 106 41 16
141 Please do not attempt this at home, I am a highly trained White House note taker. 1.4474 0.05033 190 127 41 22
142 "Our new ballot box for blue precincts. 1.4469 0.05142 179 119 40 20
143 I call this trick "Avoiding Indictment" 1.4451 0.05011 173 112 45 16
144 Ah yes, I now realize my mistake with the rabbit. 1.4444 0.05607 162 111 30 21
145 Before this job, I worked in voter registration. 1.4444 0.05187 171 113 40 18
146 Any now I will attempt to shred what's left of my dignity 1.4438 0.04974 178 116 45 17
147 As Joan watched Bert shred his Viagra prescription, she knew the magic was gone. 1.4438 0.05402 178 123 31 24
148 The real trick is to empty it without getting little scraps all over the floor! 1.4438 0.05164 169 111 41 17
149 My lawyers hate this trick. 1.4438 0.05301 160 105 39 16
150 And just like that, I don't remember. 1.4424 0.05528 165 113 31 21
151 I will now turn this piece of paper into many smaller pieces of paper. 1.4423 0.05475 156 104 35 17
152 And now, by order of President Trump, I make the Constitution disappear! 1.4419 0.05294 172 116 36 20
153 And out comes Donald trump's tax return! 1.4419 0.05030 172 112 44 16
154 And we would like to thank President Trump for volunteering the use of the Constitution. 1.4410 0.05631 161 111 29 21
155 Voila. No collusion! 1.4405 0.05645 168 118 26 24
156 And here's one of the many letters Carol and I received after last week's tragic performance with a rabbit! 1.4400 0.05033 175 115 43 17
157 One less tweet for mankind 1.4390 0.04984 164 105 46 13
158 Now that I have written ‘Cheese’ on this piece of paper, I will, right before your eyes, turn it into shredded cheese. 1.4379 0.05394 153 101 37 15
159 But, you'll need to be a real magician to get rid of the actual emails. 1.4379 0.05228 169 113 38 18
160 The Constitution: Now you see it; now you don't. 1.4375 0.05263 176 120 35 21
161 We put the Constitution in here...and voilà! 1.4375 0.05385 176 122 31 23
162 So much for those translator´s notes. 1.4371 0.05273 167 112 37 18
163 This can't go any worse than the bunny... 1.4367 0.05192 158 103 41 14
164 And now Ladies and Gentlemen, a copy of the Mueller report should magically appear under your seat. 1.4367 0.05494 158 107 33 18
165 I call this next trick "the Electoral College." 1.4359 0.05394 156 104 36 16
166 I must say it's an honor to join your legal team, Mr President 1.4353 0.05400 170 117 32 21
167 I usually handle workplace complaints with my magic wand... but I’ve found the shredder to be less finicky. 1.4345 0.05248 168 113 37 18
168 I'm pretty sure it's not destroying evidence if you use magic. 1.4343 0.05157 175 118 38 19
169 Now watch as I magically escape from liability. 1.4343 0.04829 175 113 48 14
170 And presto, there was no collusion. 1.4342 0.05417 152 101 36 15
171 A ballot box that also shreds... what a brilliant idea! 1.4341 0.05071 182 123 39 20
172 And now, the famous GOP trick, the disappearing absentee ballots! 1.4340 0.05610 159 110 29 20
173 For my next trick, I begin with this ordinary, everyday United States Constitution... 1.4340 0.05538 159 109 31 19
174 There's not a shred of magic in this trick. 1.4339 0.04698 189 123 50 16
175 I came up with this routine when I was in the bookkeeping department at Enron. 1.4337 0.05154 166 110 40 16
176 Just slide your ballot into the machine and Presto!, Republicans win again! 1.4336 0.05834 143 98 28 17
177 And voila! The truth has disappeared. 1.4335 0.05201 173 117 37 19
178 And for my next crime... 1.4333 0.05112 180 122 38 20
179 I learned this trick in the government. 1.4331 0.05290 157 104 38 15
180 It's not destroying evidence. The evidence is still all there, just in tiny pieces. 1.4329 0.04979 164 106 45 13
181 When I used a rabbit kids were disturbed. 1.4311 0.05130 167 111 40 16
182 I learned this trick from interning at the White House. 1.4294 0.05146 163 108 40 15
183 Abracadabra! It's a Florida vote! 1.4294 0.05265 170 116 35 19
184 After I shred this unwanted junk-mail watch in amazement as it magically reappears in my mailbox about every 3 days! 1.4294 0.05199 170 115 37 18
185 Now you see their votes... Now you don't... 1.4286 0.04928 189 128 41 20
186 For my next trick, I will jam the office shredder using a single sheet of paper! 1.4286 0.05244 168 114 36 18
187 This is actually how information gets into the cloud. 1.4286 0.05553 161 112 29 20
188 This next illusion is called "how to win an election in Florida". 1.4278 0.05168 180 124 35 21
189 A good magician never reveals his taxes." 1.4268 0.05048 164 108 42 14
190 Watch as I turn this single sheet of paper into forty-four slightly more narrow sheets of paper. 1.4260 0.05012 169 112 42 15
191 Now, one final wave, and all the campaign promises disappear. 1.4259 0.05240 162 109 37 16
192 Now I say the magic words, “votus interruptus” 1.4256 0.04759 195 131 45 19
193 I perfected this one during the Watergate era. 1.4248 0.05462 153 104 33 16
194 And just like that, most of the caption contest entries are... gone. 1.4248 0.05462 153 104 33 16
195 And now with the help of my lovely assistant - I shall shred this paper, wave my wand, and distract you from the three human toes in my chest pocket. 1.4247 0.04924 186 126 41 19
196 And just like that 2018 never happened 1.4244 0.05084 172 116 39 17
197 If this trick works, Carla, we'll get you that pair of pants. 1.4241 0.05409 158 108 33 17
198 For my next trick , I am going to make a small yellow paper stick to the wall . 1.4239 0.05139 184 128 34 22
199 Abracadabra, Hocus Hootin; Unshread Trump's notes from his meeting with Putin. 1.4238 0.04804 210 146 39 25
200 Presto Obstructo! 1.4224 0.05260 161 109 36 16
201 The GOP Voting Rights Act 1.4224 0.05260 161 109 36 16
202 And now we magically reduce the number of caption contest entries. 1.4224 0.05111 161 107 40 14
203 It's my no-collusion illusion. 1.4218 0.05623 147 101 30 16
204 Illusion, my dear. Illusion. Not COLLUSION. 1.4213 0.04956 178 120 41 17
205 And for my final act of evidence tampering, I shall saw the witness in half. 1.4192 0.05049 167 112 40 15
206 Hocus Potus! 1.4187 0.05571 160 113 27 20
207 I learned this from the great ‘DickCheney’ 1.4181 0.05101 177 122 36 19
208 And- poof!- plausible deniability. 1.4178 0.05302 146 97 37 12
209 I now deliver the Mueller report. 1.4172 0.05427 151 103 33 15
210 This is where the Republican poll watchers said I should put my ballot, right? 1.4167 0.05377 156 107 33 16
211 For my next trick, Wendy and I shall go completely paperless! 1.4167 0.05060 156 103 41 12
212 And for my final act at the White House.... 1.4167 0.04881 168 111 44 13
213 Ta-Da! Another caption contest entry vanishes. 1.4162 0.05121 173 119 36 18
214 The White House Magician. 1.4162 0.05314 173 122 30 21
215 After disbarment, there was only one job for one so skilled at making things disappear. 1.4157 0.05067 166 112 39 15
216 Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen. Next up... my parents' hopes and dreams! 1.4153 0.04914 183 125 40 18
217 And presto! No collusion. 1.4146 0.05036 164 110 40 14
218 As the beautiful Marlene holds the shredder, I'll tap it 3 times and Presto! She's now a subcontractor with no benefits! 1.4146 0.04367 205 135 55 15
219 This trick didn't work with the rabbit. 1.4144 0.05075 181 126 35 20
220 I specialize in Wall Street magic. 1.4142 0.04858 169 112 44 13
221 And for my next trick, I shall not leave any shred of evidence 1.4136 0.05003 162 108 41 13
222 And if these reappear, I'm going away for a long time. 1.4132 0.05253 167 116 33 18
223 I just put the check in the box, and presto, you never slept with the president. 1.4129 0.05241 155 105 36 14
224 And now, ladies and gentleman, the Popular Vote! 1.4129 0.05627 155 110 26 19
225 In goes the constitution, and abracadabra, out comes... 1.4127 0.04739 189 128 44 17
226 The year of magical voting. 1.4125 0.05422 160 112 30 18
227 You were right, Susan. This fits much better than the rabbit did. 1.4124 0.04903 177 120 41 16
228 Relax, it’s cleaner than shredding the rabbit! 1.4124 0.05096 177 123 35 19
229 And presto. No proof of collusion! 1.4121 0.05299 165 115 32 18
230 ...And with a little “presto” , we now have 10,000 absentee ballots!... 1.4118 0.05569 136 92 32 12
231 The paper works much better than the rabbit. 1.4118 0.05047 170 116 38 16
232 And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how you stay part of the 1%. 1.4118 0.05449 153 106 31 16
233 This trick is for White House staffers 1.4118 0.04952 187 130 37 20
234 The trick that horrified audiences everywhere. The document UNshredder. 1.4114 0.05138 175 122 34 19
235 Abra Covfefe! 1.4110 0.05486 163 116 27 20
236 Watch closely... There is no collusion. 1.4110 0.05346 163 114 31 18
237 For my next trick, I will create a $1.4 million dollar piece of art! 1.4105 0.04893 190 132 38 20
238 Magician? No, I’m the cartoon caption judge. 1.4104 0.04705 173 114 47 12
239 For my next trick I will saw this lady in half - WITHOUT THE INSTRUCTIONS! 1.4101 0.05668 139 96 29 14
240 Notice at no time do my fingers leave my hand. 1.4094 0.05304 149 101 35 13
241 For my next act, I'll need $10,000 and a fake passport. 1.4088 0.05439 137 92 34 11
242 And for my next trick as new attorney general ... 1.4085 0.05030 164 111 39 14
243 This next trick I picked up while briefly serving as a top lawyer to the President of the United States. 1.4078 0.05049 179 125 35 19
244 And now, before your very eyes, I, the Amazing Donald, will shred the Constitution! 1.4078 0.05049 179 125 35 19
245 And now, a little 'magic' for the accountants in the audience 1.4076 0.04778 157 102 46 9
246 Now, with my assistant, I will attempt to make the 2016 presidential election results disappear! 1.4072 0.05036 167 114 38 15
247 And just like that, Bush is president. 1.4072 0.05247 167 117 32 18
248 I learned this trick the very first day I worked for Trump. 1.4070 0.05134 172 120 34 18
249 The magic of a voting machine in South Carolina” 1.4068 0.04962 177 122 38 17
250 A Magician never reveals his secret tax debts 1.4065 0.05469 155 109 29 17
251 That one no longer sparked joy. 1.4062 0.05268 160 111 33 16
252 Good news, Barbara - you've been promoted to magician's accessory after the fact. 1.4045 0.04676 178 119 46 13
253 And, abracadabra, your vote has been counted! 1.4045 0.04809 178 121 42 15
254 Together, my assistant and I are performing a co-illusion, which is not a crime 1.4041 0.05286 146 99 35 12
255 Vote counting in some American states has been made even easier. 1.4034 0.04847 176 120 41 15
256 We interrupt our regular act for this special request from the White House! 1.4024 0.04871 164 110 42 12
257 And...Presto, the will of the people disappears! 1.4024 0.05653 164 121 20 23
258 The critics are not the only ones to mince their words. 1.4023 0.05019 174 121 36 17
259 I say the magic word 'Trump', and Abracadabra ... not a shred of evidence remains. 1.4023 0.04885 174 119 40 15
260 I wish to thank President Trump for donating his tax returns. 1.4012 0.05140 162 112 35 15
261 And for my final act, the Florida ballots. 1.4012 0.05171 167 117 33 17
262 Uh oh. The magic words were on that piece of paper. 1.4011 0.04794 182 125 41 16
263 Now watch closely as I turn this blue district red." 1.4011 0.04883 187 131 37 19
264 Abra Redactra 1.4000 0.05351 150 104 32 14
265 I keep telling him that he needs a lawyer, not a magician. 1.4000 0.05286 165 117 30 18
266 Prepared to be amazed as I shred this document without it immediately jamming! Next up the impossible...printing on first try! 1.4000 0.05202 180 130 28 22
267 But before we saw you in half, let's make your life insurance policy disappear. 1.4000 0.04958 180 126 36 18
268 Trump submitting his tax return 1.4000 0.05226 155 107 34 14
269 "It is is not illegal; it is an illusion. 1.3988 0.04832 173 118 41 14
270 Are you sure this ballot will be counted? 1.3988 0.05214 168 119 31 18
271 And if we all close our eyes real tight and wish real hard, I’ll shred the 2016 election results and the past two years will all be forgotten 1.3988 0.05332 163 116 29 18
272 And for my next trick... I will make a copy of Trump's income tax returns magically appear. 1.3987 0.05308 158 111 31 16
273 Thank you, Mr. President. Now I just need a volunteer from the audience who can put the Constitution back together. 1.3987 0.05434 153 108 29 16
274 And this is a diasappearing trick I learned when I was employed by Enron. 1.3979 0.04508 191 129 48 14
275 Is that the new suggestion box? 1.3978 0.04809 181 125 40 16
276 and now, at the command of our President, I am officially submitting his tax returns via my magic box 1.3975 0.05307 161 114 30 17
277 I know what you're thinking...I'm recycling an old trick 1.3973 0.05277 146 100 34 12
278 Quit crying or the rabbit's next. 1.3973 0.05624 146 104 26 16
279 Nothing up my sleeve. Nothing beneath my hat. Nothing they can prove. 1.3968 0.04722 189 131 41 17
280 And Presto! The collusion never happened. 1.3966 0.05208 174 125 29 20
281 Try to put it out of your mind Miss Capshaw. I admit the version with the rabbit was a mistake. 1.3964 0.05120 169 119 33 17
282 And the Oscar goes to...LaLa Land! 1.3964 0.05120 169 119 33 17
283 A horrified Ms. Williams looks on as Richard The Amazing unknowingly shreds the REAL Apple stock certificate... 1.3961 0.05560 154 111 25 18
284 Next I will pull a rabbit out of a 3D printer! 1.3956 0.04659 182 124 44 14
285 Hey, relax. I could've been sawing you in half. 1.3952 0.04380 210 144 49 17
286 And abracadabra, the President never had that conversation with Putin. 1.3941 0.05163 170 121 31 18
287 The Presto 2000 can double as a shredder or a voting machine. 1.3941 0.04814 170 116 41 13
288 Don't try this in the bathtub 1.3938 0.05101 160 111 35 14
289 Now for the encore, pulling President Trump's tax return from the shredder! 1.3929 0.04998 168 117 36 15
290 They told me I had to stop using a rabbit. 1.3929 0.04779 168 114 42 12
291 And with a Gerrymander of my wand, poof, your vote disappears! 1.3929 0.04779 168 114 42 12
292 The real trick is to watch it disappear from the Cloud. 1.3926 0.05032 163 113 36 14
293 This next trick is called the "Presidential Tax Return" 1.3926 0.05253 163 116 30 17
294 These ballot machines are designed for use in elections world-wide. 1.3925 0.04772 186 130 39 17
295 Voila! Another absentee ballot mysteriously disappears! 1.3920 0.05031 176 125 33 18
296 Abra Kadabra! No more Putin meeting notes. 1.3920 0.05221 176 128 27 21
297 When I say the magic word, collusion becomes confetti! COVFEFE! 1.3918 0.04933 171 119 37 15
298 I feed the incriminating evidence into the shredder and say the magic words "Total Immunity" 1.3916 0.05182 166 118 31 17
299 Believe me ladies and gentlemen, you don't want to see the rabbit version of this illusion. 1.3911 0.04968 179 127 34 18
300 I learned this disappearing act from the wizards of Wells Fargo. 1.3905 0.05181 169 121 30 18
301 As the new Broward County Elections Supervisor, I declare this new ballot 'acceptable.' 1.3902 0.05227 164 117 30 17
302 And jut like that, the translation of the Trump-Putin meeting disappeared 1.3902 0.05227 164 117 30 17
303 I, the Great Muellerini, will now unshred the President’s tax return. 1.3895 0.05046 172 122 33 17
304 Abracadabra, and just like that... no collusion. 1.3895 0.05046 172 122 33 17
305 And now there will be a brief intermission while I testify before the grand jury. 1.3893 0.05447 149 106 28 15
306 Now for our next trick, we will need someone from the government. 1.3892 0.05014 167 117 35 15
307 And now, dear followers, I will shred this constitution, then magically restore it!!... but without all that “freedom of the press” nonsense.. 1.3892 0.05014 167 117 35 15
308 Now watch Mr. President, as I put the notes from your meeting with Vladimir Putin back together again! 1.3892 0.04847 185 131 36 18
309 Don't cry, Sweetheart, it's only the Constitution. 1.3889 0.05272 162 116 29 17
310 For my next trick; I’ll make these absentee ballots disappear... 1.3889 0.05125 162 114 33 15
311 Making the voter disappear is more difficult 1.3886 0.04916 175 123 36 16
312 I call this trick “Jury Summons” 1.3882 0.04660 170 115 44 11
313 And now for my final act. I will make Banksy's painting reappear. 1.3882 0.05088 170 121 32 17
314 Now you are liable. Now you are not. 1.3873 0.05022 173 123 33 17
315 This next trick I’m working on for the White House. 1.3873 0.05089 173 124 31 18
316 For my next trick, I will re-open the government. 1.3873 0.04955 173 122 35 16
317 Oh yes, you're right, much cleaner without the rabbit. 1.3869 0.05061 168 119 33 16
318 And thus my personal details are gone forever. And yet not so. Would you please welcome to the stage ... Mr. Mark Zuckerberg. 1.3869 0.04918 168 117 37 14
319 I think it’s still clogged with rabbit fur. 1.3867 0.04666 181 125 42 14
320 abra cadabra, no collusion 1.3867 0.04922 181 129 34 18
321 Been a while since Enron, but it should still work. 1.3867 0.05163 150 104 34 12
322 I place the absentee ballot in the voter’s box, and hocus, pocus... 1.3865 0.04632 163 109 45 9
323 The real trick is that it's not plugged in. 1.3864 0.04893 176 124 36 16
324 Glad we stopped using rabbits. 1.3861 0.05291 158 113 29 16
325 The Florida government decided magic would be a more accurate vote tallying method. 1.3860 0.04995 171 121 34 16
326 See how I carefully shred the credit card numbers you gave me. Yet before long they will magically reappear buying groceries at a Walmart in Iowa. 1.3859 0.04675 184 128 41 15
327 Well, that's the last of the lawsuit from last night's show. Now, do we have any volunteers? 1.3855 0.04832 179 126 37 16
328 Every vote counts 1.3855 0.04701 179 124 41 14
329 And now, to count the votes we don't like, we are using our new cutting edge "Tab-U-Later". 1.3846 0.05244 143 99 33 11
330 And voila! The shredded document will reappear on Wikileaks! 1.3846 0.05036 169 120 33 16
331 Pulling out the rabbit is much worse. 1.3846 0.05101 156 109 34 13
332 Unfortunately my conversations with Mr Putin are unavailable! 1.3846 0.04774 182 128 38 16
333 OSHA says this is the closest we can get to cutting someone in half. 1.3846 0.04748 169 116 41 12
334 And now... from out of the shredder... Trump’s tax returns! 1.3842 0.04864 190 137 33 20
335 I place the ballot just so, and abracadabra, into the magic vote-counting machine it goes. 1.3841 0.04999 164 115 35 14
336 Watch closely as I shred my assistant's restraining order against me. 1.3837 0.04971 172 122 34 16
337 I will now fax this never seen before, confidential information to the NY Times. 1.3832 0.04933 167 117 36 14
338 This is the very same illusion that I presented to the Florida Election Commission. 1.3831 0.05146 154 108 33 13
339 For my next trick, I will unjam the paper! 1.3826 0.05520 149 108 25 16
340 And this is why you will NEVER see Donald Trump's tax returns! 1.3824 0.04941 170 120 35 15
341 After which I shall disappear to a country with no extradition treaty. 1.3819 0.05121 144 99 35 10
342 And now, abrcadabra, there is only a shred of evidence. 1.3818 0.04823 165 114 39 12
343 This creates the illusion there was evidence. 1.3813 0.04846 160 110 39 11
344 ...and Presto! No Russian interference! 1.3812 0.04977 181 131 31 19
345 I call this trick, The Michael Cohen 1.3810 0.04642 189 133 40 16
346 Alas, there is just a shred of magic in this trick. 1.3810 0.05228 147 103 32 12
347 Alice, your request for pants is denied! 1.3806 0.05200 155 110 31 14
348 In professional circles, we call this trick the Russian Donald. 1.3806 0.05280 155 111 29 15
349 The rabbit cancelled! 1.3801 0.05055 171 123 31 17
350 And presto! We can now blame Obama. 1.3799 0.04825 179 127 36 16
351 A magician never reveals his secrets, especially when they're tax-related. 1.3797 0.04718 158 107 42 9
352 You should see what my lawyer can do 1.3795 0.04799 166 115 39 12
353 What happens in Florida, stays in Florida! 1.3795 0.04565 166 112 45 9
354 I will now magically make the Electoral Votes disappear. 1.3793 0.04990 174 125 32 17
355 America's Best Magic Trick: Obstruction of Justice 1.3789 0.05057 161 114 33 14
356 Place the notes in the box and repeat the magic words "No collusion, no collusion". 1.3789 0.05134 161 115 31 15
357 Now you see the evidence aaaand... now you don't. 1.3785 0.04928 177 127 33 17
358 I've had to tailor my act a bit for corporate audiences. 1.3784 0.05110 148 103 34 11
359 Your caption, as soon as it arrives. 1.3784 0.05458 148 107 26 15
360 And out pops Donald Trump's tax returns. 1.3777 0.04716 188 134 37 17
361 It's not exactly magic, but it's good enough for government work 1.3776 0.05508 143 103 26 14
362 North Carolina ballot box....... 1.3775 0.05125 151 106 33 12
363 Now watch the Russian vote trick! 1.3775 0.05377 151 109 27 15
364 And presto, our transcribed conversation with Putin is history. 1.3772 0.05140 167 121 29 17
365 The Russian interpreter's notes "magically" disappear. 1.3767 0.05064 146 101 35 10
366 They made me stop shredding rabbits. 1.3766 0.04882 154 106 38 10
367 Some call it magic. Some call it art. But really its just identity theft protection. 1.3765 0.05107 162 116 31 15
368 Now you subpoena, now you don’t! 1.3765 0.04877 162 113 37 12
369 For my next trick, I will remove all evidence of collusion. 1.3765 0.04862 170 120 36 14
370 Well, Susan, this would have been better if your pants hadn’t gone through first. 1.3763 0.04751 186 133 36 17
371 So much better without the doves. 1.3758 0.05082 149 104 34 11
372 Abracadabra, Hocus pocus, On my taxes, Do not focus. 1.3758 0.05039 165 118 32 15
373 Don't worry my dear, your paycheck will magically reappear when my loan magically gets granted. 1.3757 0.04801 173 122 37 14
374 ...the trick is NOT getting caught" 1.3757 0.05006 173 125 31 17
375 Sometimes sawing it in half just isn't enough. 1.3750 0.04836 160 111 38 11
376 For my next trick I will shred Donald Trump's tax return while this Fox anchorwoman assists. Then I magically will be named US Attorney for the 9th Circuit. 1.3750 0.04969 184 135 29 20
377 And finally, Aunt Erma's fruit cake recipe. 1.3750 0.05265 152 109 29 14
378 and now for a little trick I learned from Banksy 1.3743 0.04790 187 135 34 18
379 The rabbits just got too messy. 1.3743 0.04767 171 120 38 13
380 I'll just wave my magic wand...and it's as though I never met with any Russians. 1.3742 0.05006 163 116 33 14
381 I really need to stop doing shows for the mob. 1.3735 0.04713 166 115 40 11
382 And since she refused to be sawn in half, we'll just shred her paycheck instead. 1.3735 0.04940 166 118 34 14
383 It seems my wand is jammed. 1.3735 0.05013 166 119 32 15
384 The Great Destructo performs at children's parties, audits, and year end closings. 1.3735 0.05013 166 119 32 15
385 Another Florida voter exercises his constitutional right. 1.3734 0.05273 158 115 27 16
386 I'm not a magician, I'm just the CFO. 1.3733 0.05313 150 108 28 14
387 Now you see my paternity test. And now you don't. 1.3730 0.04702 185 132 37 16
388 Anyone can make it disappear. But the real trick is to keep it from coming back. 1.3730 0.04511 185 129 43 13
389 ...and this is what I like to call ‘practical magic.’ 1.3728 0.04730 169 118 39 12
390 I will now make the truth dissapear! 1.3728 0.04948 169 121 33 15
391 Rabbits are overdone, I'm pulling paper out of a shredder. 1.3728 0.05019 169 122 31 16
392 And presto! No evidence of collusion! 1.3728 0.04876 169 120 35 14
393 Abracadabra; with the wave of my wand...."PLAUSIBLE DENIABILITY"! 1.3728 0.04804 169 119 37 13
394 Presto! The new AG presents Mueller's Russia Report to Congress! 1.3728 0.05088 169 123 29 17
395 And now for my assistant’s last shred of dignity. 1.3728 0.04876 169 120 35 14
396 Don’t worry folks, these tax returns will reappear as part of the Mueller probe! 1.3727 0.04892 161 113 36 12
397 This clogs up the machine much less often than the rabbits did. 1.3727 0.05124 161 116 30 15
398 Now watch as I make these Democratic ballots DISAPPEAR! 1.3722 0.04859 180 130 33 17
399 And for my next trick, ‘plausible deniability.’ 1.3720 0.04905 164 116 35 13
400 The White House is looking forward to our performance. They'll even supply the paper. 1.3720 0.04828 164 115 37 12
401 Watch carefully as my tiny hand slides my interpreter's notes into this machine... 1.3716 0.04608 183 129 40 14
402 And for my next trick...The Mueller Report. 1.3714 0.04958 175 127 31 17
403 Melania...I had an amazing dream about the Muller report. 1.3714 0.04686 175 123 39 13
404 Next we saw my accountant in half. 1.3711 0.04684 159 109 41 9
405 Voilà! The notes of Trump's meeting with Putin arise from the shredder! 1.3709 0.05199 151 108 30 13
406 I consider this to be an act of magical disappearance rather destroying evidence. 1.3706 0.04780 170 120 37 13
407 It worked for Banksy. 1.3704 0.04624 162 111 42 9
408 ...and VOILA! Donald the Magnificent makes the Constitution disappear! 1.3704 0.05022 162 116 32 14
409 Trust me, you don't want to see how I make the rabbits disappear. 1.3702 0.05023 181 134 27 20
410 You can't just throw stuff away anymore. You have to make it disappear. 1.3699 0.04577 173 120 42 11
411 It seems we have encountered a clump of rabbit hair. 1.3697 0.05174 165 121 27 17
412 Don’t worry, it’s just the Constitution. 1.3694 0.05055 157 112 32 13
413 And now.... for the final trick...the constitution of the United State of America will pass through the oval Office shredder in one piece. Oops. 1.3692 0.04405 195 137 44 14
414 And now...the transcript of the Trump-Putin summit! 1.3690 0.05035 168 122 30 16
415 And now, I will make my conversations with the Russians disappear. 1.3687 0.05141 160 116 29 15
416 Tell Mr Trump not to worry about a thing. 1.3687 0.05124 179 134 24 21
417 And they say my statements don't contain a shred of truth. 1.3684 0.04757 171 121 37 13
418 I’m glad we stopped using rabbits. 1.3681 0.04750 182 131 35 16
419 And that completes my taxes for 2018. 1.3681 0.04686 182 130 37 15
420 For my next trick, I'm going to make some copies. 1.3681 0.04683 163 113 40 10
421 Counting the Vote in 21th Century America 1.3681 0.04920 163 116 34 13
422 Well, we don't have much of an act MayBelle, but it takes care of the bills. 1.3681 0.05071 163 118 30 15
423 And now, by the power of congress, let your paycheck disappear! 1.3681 0.05284 144 103 29 12
424 How about a big hand for my lovely accomplice?! 1.3677 0.04931 155 109 35 11
425 What is shredded, shall not be dreaded. 1.3677 0.05180 155 112 29 14
426 Now there is no collusion! 1.3676 0.04437 185 129 44 12
427 For only $19.95 you can get this amazing shredder, toaster, compacter purse and, if you call within the next ten minutes, at no extra cost, we’ll throw in this stick I’m holding absolutely free! 1.3675 0.04780 166 117 37 12
428 Behold, I have un-shredded the interpreter notes from Trump's private one-on-one with Putin. 1.3673 0.05116 147 104 32 11
429 I tried this with a rabbit and let’s just say it didn’t go very well. 1.3672 0.04778 177 127 35 15
430 And with a wave of my wand, I can make anyone's taxes look just like the President's" 1.3671 0.05107 158 114 30 14
431 I’m shredding my rabbit’s letter of resignation. 1.3669 0.04867 169 121 34 14
432 And now I will magically change a presidential speech into tweets. 1.3669 0.04939 169 122 32 15
433 This is a trick I learned from some of our politicians. It's called, "Now you see it, soon you won't 1.3667 0.04654 180 128 38 14
434 And my lovely assistant will hide the interpreter's notes from my meeting with Putin in a very safe place ... 1.3663 0.05013 172 126 29 17
435 Florida's newest ballot box assures... no more recounts! 1.3659 0.04895 164 117 34 13
436 And now I will make this ballot disappear! 1.3657 0.04883 175 127 32 16
437 No magic, just always wanted to do this to my tax return. 1.3657 0.04746 175 125 36 14
438 And magically, without even the slightest reference to politics, we will make this document disappear... 1.3657 0.04677 175 124 38 13
439 Again, this is her only copy... 1.3655 0.05162 145 103 31 11
440 My next trick involves no magic. My ballot disappears by itself when I insert it into a voting machine from Broward County. 1.3653 0.04979 167 121 31 15
441 Ta-da! No collusion! 1.3652 0.04689 178 127 37 14
442 Subpoena? What subpoena? 1.3652 0.04756 178 128 35 15
443 And now for the election results! 1.3650 0.04437 200 143 41 16
444 NO COLLUSION! 1.3649 0.05087 148 105 32 11
445 This won't work with rabbits and pigeons. 1.3648 0.04921 159 113 34 12
446 For my next trick I will make my assistant’s sexual harassment lawsuit disappear. 1.3648 0.05080 159 115 30 14
447 And just like magic, your vote stays secret! 1.3648 0.05002 159 114 32 13
448 Some of you may want to look away while I next do this with the rabbit. 1.3647 0.04771 170 121 36 13
449 ..I simply place this into the magic suggestion box.. 1.3647 0.04771 170 121 36 13
450 Behold, as I shred the Constitution with my tiny hands, everyone's rights will disappear. 1.3647 0.04914 170 123 32 15
451 I work for the White House 1.3642 0.04712 173 123 37 13
452 And here is how I make the translator's notes disappear. 1.3642 0.04989 173 127 29 17
453 And voila, no collusion. 1.3641 0.04893 184 136 29 19
454 Environmental regulations. Now you see them 1.3641 0.04707 184 133 35 16
455 And Banksy, this is your check for that piece I bought at auction! 1.3641 0.04744 195 144 31 20
456 A magician never reveals his bank statements. 1.3636 0.05016 143 100 34 9
457 Magician by night, tax specialist by day. Similar skill sets. 1.3636 0.04367 176 121 46 9
458 And now, I'll extract Trump's tax returns from the shredder. 1.3636 0.05375 165 125 20 20
459 This is the test of the new ballot box for 2020 1.3636 0.05278 154 113 26 15
460 Honestly, we'd do anything to amuse the cat. 1.3631 0.04390 179 124 45 10
461 Well, I don't do this one with the rabbit anymore. 1.3626 0.04612 182 130 38 14
462 My rabbit is on strike. 1.3626 0.04890 171 124 32 15
463 Watch carefully as I shred the last of my dignity and self respect 1.3626 0.04674 171 121 38 12
464 And now a little trick I learned from Banksy... 1.3621 0.04897 174 127 31 16
465 Now watch me make my lovely assistant's sexual harassment claim disappear. 1.3620 0.04986 163 118 31 14
466 And now, ladies and gentlemen of the House of Representatives—out of my MAGIC REVERSE SHREDDER—Donald Trump’s tax returns! 1.3620 0.04832 163 116 35 12
467 As the President's personal magician I shall now make this subpoena disappear. 1.3616 0.04702 177 127 36 14
468 The inspiration for this next trick came to me during a recent IRS audit ... 1.3616 0.04563 177 125 40 12
469 My friend Banksy taught me this one. 1.3616 0.04702 177 127 36 14
470 For my first trick as Attorney General, I'll make Mueller's report disappear! 1.3613 0.05249 155 114 26 15
471 And now, I will pull the President's tax returns magically from the shredder! 1.3613 0.05328 155 115 24 16
472 Abracadabra let’s bring back those shredded notes from the Trump-Putin meeting! 1.3613 0.05249 155 114 26 15
473 The secret to this trick is to never exceed more than 10 sheets. 1.3611 0.04370 180 125 45 10
474 And now you know why we don't use a rabbit anymore. 1.3611 0.04712 180 130 35 15
475 Presto-changeo -- I now qualify for a cabinet position. 1.3609 0.04635 169 119 39 11
476 and now.... the Mueller report!! 1.3609 0.04784 169 121 35 13
477 Am I voting or shredding? 1.3608 0.05097 158 115 29 14
478 The real magic is unjamming it. 1.3608 0.04770 158 111 37 10
479 As you requested, Mr. President, I shall now make your taxes disappear. 1.3605 0.05370 147 108 25 14
480 I perfected this next trick as part of my plea deal. 1.3605 0.04866 172 125 32 15
481 And now, ladies and gentlemen I, The Great Dlanod, will draw your attention away from my tiny hands by placing this Bill of Rights into my magical alternative-facts casket. 1.3602 0.05179 161 119 26 16
482 And now, the Presidential tax return trick! 1.3600 0.04737 175 126 35 14
483 Redaction is now complete. Please forward this to the Senate. 1.3600 0.04873 175 128 31 16
484 There. And remember: not a word to Pelosi. 1.3600 0.04667 175 125 37 13
485 Now you see the Mueller Report; now you don't. 1.3600 0.04737 175 126 35 14
486 And by the second act, the annual office talent show hit a new low 1.3598 0.04549 189 136 38 15
487 Oooh that’s a strange noise. Do you have the rabbit? 1.3595 0.04693 153 106 39 8
488 This is one I learned from Banksy. 1.3593 0.04969 167 122 30 15
489 And, presto! Magician Mueller will reconstruct this into an indictment. 1.3591 0.04350 181 126 45 10
490 For my next trick, I will turn this original copy of the Constitution into a rabbit. 1.3590 0.05220 156 115 26 15
491 It's very important that all my campaign promises are shredded-- twice. 1.3590 0.05220 156 115 26 15
492 Banksy taught me this one. 1.3588 0.04687 170 121 37 12
493 And presto, your vote in the 2016 presidential election never happened. 1.3588 0.04975 170 125 29 16
494 And now after shredding and deletion, this message will reappear in the inboxes of all your business contacts. 1.3585 0.05300 159 119 23 17
495 Now watch as I make my beautiful assistant's sexual harassment complaint . . . disappear! 1.3585 0.04486 159 109 43 7
496 Watch.....as I magically make your legal problems disappear. 1.3584 0.04912 173 127 30 16
497 Keep in mind that every vote counts. 1.3584 0.04407 173 120 44 9
498 Please tell me you didn't actually plug it in. 1.3581 0.04890 148 104 35 9
499 Now watch as the notes from my pre-election meeting with certain Russian individuals magically becomes a plea bargain agreement. 1.3580 0.04684 162 114 38 10
500 Shredder, shredder, so efficient, make it look as though I didn’t. 1.3580 0.05152 162 120 26 16
501 And now, I will saw Karen's college diploma into two thousand equally useful pieces. 1.3580 0.05226 162 121 24 17
502 Watch carefully as I audit the President's tax form. 1.3576 0.05296 165 125 21 19
503 And now I am magically cleared of all liability. 1.3575 0.04539 193 140 37 16
504 Watch as my translator’s notes vanish into thin air, with no collusion whatsoever. 1.3571 0.05103 154 112 29 13
505 And then we say the magic words, "North Carolina's Ninth District." 1.3571 0.04944 168 123 30 15
506 Keep a copy? No no, Mr. Trump assures us no one will ever request his tax returns. 1.3571 0.05186 154 113 27 14
507 For my final trick, I will need our marriage license. 1.3571 0.04921 182 136 27 19
508 Voila! the next State of the Union Speech made coherent! 1.3571 0.05267 154 114 25 15
509 Voila! There’s not a shred of evidence against me! 1.3571 0.04797 168 121 34 13
510 A magician never reveals his tax returns. 1.3568 0.04614 185 134 36 15
511 If this doesn't reappear, then I'm in serious legal trouble. 1.3567 0.04514 171 120 41 10
512 And with a flourish, the Great Trumpioso made the meeting notes disappear 1.3567 0.05155 171 129 23 19
513 Don’t worry, Kelly Anne, this is alternative archival of presidential records. 1.3567 0.04664 171 122 37 12
514 I will now ask my assistant to reach into the shredder to retrieve her liability waiver. 1.3563 0.04750 174 126 34 14
515 Eh, voilà; the translator’s notes disappear! 1.3563 0.04608 174 124 38 12
516 And there you have it folks - a paperless office. 1.3563 0.04819 174 127 32 15
517 And that’s how the votes were counted in 2016. 1.3563 0.04750 174 126 34 14
518 Now folks, watch carefully as I turn these ordinary translator's notes into a subpoena from the Special Counsel. 1.3562 0.04964 160 116 31 13
519 Before I make the rabbit appear, let me just dispose of this meddlesome summons from the ASPCA. 1.3562 0.04884 160 115 33 12
520 I call this next trick: "The accountant." 1.3559 0.04482 177 125 41 11
521 And in just two seconds the unwanted absentee ballot vanishes! 1.3558 0.05125 163 121 26 16
522 For my next trick I'll be disappearing --right after this subpoena 1.3558 0.04975 163 119 30 14
523 Last nights tweets from the twit. 1.3558 0.04564 208 155 32 21
524 Watch closely as this document and your magician's chances for indictment disappear. 1.3557 0.05223 149 109 27 13
525 By the way, this model is available at the White House gift shop 1.3556 0.04568 180 129 38 13
526 If you make it disappear on stage, it doesn't count as corporate fraud. 1.3554 0.04759 166 119 35 12
527 We do birthdays, bankruptcies and ballots! 1.3554 0.04835 166 120 33 13
528 And for my next trick, my assistant and I will disappear to an offshore tax haven. 1.3554 0.04358 166 114 45 7
529 So, ladies and gentlemen of the Grand Jury, when it comes to documentary evidence, it depends on what the meaning of "destroy" is. 1.3553 0.04797 152 107 36 9
530 Now, I shall attempt to recover Trump's tax returns. 1.3550 0.04774 169 122 34 13
531 I place the words describing a rabbit into the box. 1.3550 0.04774 169 122 34 13
532 Watch your mail-in ballot disappear. 1.3548 0.04821 155 110 35 10
533 On my signal, make that annoying whirring noise. 1.3547 0.04416 172 120 43 9
534 Not a shred of evidence will remain from this trick. 1.3547 0.04493 172 121 41 10
535 Here at Fred's School of Magic we like to start simple and work our way up. 1.3544 0.04924 158 114 32 12
536 why force your dog to eat your homework when for 29.99 you can order the chewmatic 3000? 1.3543 0.04440 175 123 42 10
537 And for my next trick, I’ll be pulling an alibi out of my hat! 1.3543 0.04727 175 127 34 14
538 So, Anya, I just put the ballot in the ballot box like so, and Voila! 1.3540 0.04697 161 114 37 10
539 And that's the last of Trump's tax returns. 1.3539 0.04869 178 132 29 17
540 Next the great Trumpini, with the aid of my lovely assistant Ivanka, will shred the Constitution! 1.3539 0.04601 178 128 37 13
541 This worked for Banksy, didn't it? 1.3537 0.04717 164 117 36 11
542 Auditcadbra! 1.3537 0.05025 164 121 28 15
543 We couldn't afford to make a real rabbit disappear so this is a copy of the last page of Watership Down 1.3536 0.04547 181 130 38 13
544 Hope this works out better than the rabbit. 1.3536 0.04340 181 127 44 10
545 See? I told you it would be less messy using paper instead of a rabbit 1.3533 0.04735 167 120 35 12
546 Ballot box, shredder...there's a difference? 1.3533 0.04735 167 120 35 12
547 And now the Amazing Giulani will--- presto chango--- turn the evidence into confetti! 1.3529 0.04368 170 118 44 8
548 And hocus pocus...What subpoena? 1.3526 0.04619 173 124 37 12
549 Vote here, you say? 1.3526 0.04546 173 123 39 11
550 And this is what happens to your popular vote. 1.3526 0.04546 173 123 39 11
551 If this is anything like the rabbit, we’re going to need a mop. 1.3526 0.04833 173 127 31 15
552 Hmmmm. I forget. What’s ‘abracadabra’ in Russian? 1.3526 0.04396 173 121 43 9
553 And for my next trick, I'll make your sexual discrimination complaint disappear. 1.3526 0.04318 173 120 45 8
554 The people at the White House loved this trick- "Disappearing Meeting Notes!" 1.3523 0.04564 176 126 38 12
555 I can make 300,000 ballots disappear. Just like that! 1.3523 0.04492 176 125 40 11
556 First, I insert my New Year's resolutions... 1.3523 0.04704 176 128 34 14
557 Here it comes, out of the amazing unshredder, Donald Trump's tax returns! 1.3522 0.05058 159 117 28 14
558 And for my next trick: The Bansky! 1.3520 0.04511 179 128 39 12
559 A magician never reveals his tricks. Or his tax returns. 1.3517 0.04945 145 103 33 9
560 As you can see, I am shredding the Constitution. FYI: This is not a trick. I work in the White House. 1.3512 0.05005 168 125 27 16
561 Presto! It’s the UNshredder! Politicians, beware! 1.3512 0.04933 168 124 29 15
562 Magicians' Rule No. 5: Before attempting to saw your assistant in half and then put her back together, practice with a sheet of paper. 1.3512 0.04399 168 117 43 8
563 ...and now I hope this will go better than the pigeon routine. 1.3509 0.04870 171 126 30 15
564 Now you see the Trump tax return and now you dont 1.3509 0.04799 171 125 32 14
565 And now for my next trick,watch me make all the other entries for the New Yorker cartoon caption contest disappear 1.3506 0.05007 154 112 30 12
566 Say the magic words with me...'Interpreter notes, become fodder for goats!' 1.3506 0.04921 154 111 32 11
567 I sense it is Trump's translator's notes. 1.3506 0.04878 174 129 29 16
568 What I'd really like to shred are these ridiculous gender roles. 1.3506 0.04809 174 128 31 15
569 Oh No! There goes the instructions of how to do this trick. 1.3503 0.04770 157 112 35 10
570 It’s the President’s favorite routine. 1.3503 0.04817 177 131 30 16
571 Again, you really don't need me for this. 1.3500 0.04490 180 129 39 12
572 You should have seen what a mess I made of that rabbit! 1.3500 0.04873 160 116 32 12
573 And now, I will transform this ordinary piece of paper into a magnificent work of art. 1.3497 0.04730 163 117 35 11
574 Ladies and gentlemen, for my next trick I give you the Mueller Report! 1.3495 0.04583 186 136 35 15
575 I was advised to dress for the job I want, not the one I have. 1.3494 0.04899 166 122 30 14
576 This is what you can do with a Harvard diploma in "magic studies"! 1.3494 0.04670 166 119 36 11
577 Now watch as I make this tax return disappear and then become President. 1.3494 0.04748 166 120 34 12
578 Presto-change-o... No collusion! 1.3494 0.04973 166 123 28 15
579 You were right: this trick works so much better without the rabbit! 1.3494 0.04591 166 118 38 10
580 And with a tap of the wand an ordinary novel becomes...a screenplay! 1.3493 0.05287 146 108 25 13
581 And now I will demonstrate the voting system in Venezuela. 1.3491 0.04688 169 122 35 12
582 Just kidding--- this is not a White House document. 1.3490 0.04294 192 137 43 12
583 Okay, if you’re asked to testify, this was a magic trick. 1.3487 0.04962 152 110 31 11
584 You know what? I just realized how small my hands are. 1.3483 0.04794 178 132 30 16
585 I wave my wand and, as we reverse the shredder we see...it looks like... Why, we seem to have a written transcript of the Trump Tower meeting! 1.3483 0.04521 178 128 38 12
586 Better shred than read. 1.3483 0.04306 178 125 44 9
587 Presto, shredded tweet. 1.3481 0.05074 158 117 27 14
588 You should have seen what happened to the rabbit. 1.3481 0.04829 158 114 33 11
589 Republican voting ballot instructions. 1.3478 0.04847 161 117 32 12
590 And now the Russia investigation findings will magicially disappear! 1.3478 0.04616 184 135 34 15
591 Now to shred the Russian interpreter's notes. 1.3478 0.04847 161 117 32 12
592 Voila! A paper jam. 1.3478 0.04485 184 133 38 13
593 Another letter from feminists complaining about the outfit I make you wear. 1.3476 0.04784 164 119 33 12
594 And voila! One vote becomes many. 1.3476 0.04705 164 118 35 11
595 And now I'd like to show you a little trick I call, "The Plausible Denial" ... 1.3476 0.04290 164 113 45 6
596 As I wave the magic wand, my taxable income is reduced by half. 1.3475 0.04930 141 100 33 8
597 You say that this is the Broward County ballot box model? 1.3473 0.04647 167 120 36 11
598 "The act was much better before PETA nixed the rabbits." 1.3473 0.04325 167 116 44 7
599 AUDIT-CADABRA! Now be amazed as these extraordinarily incriminating tax returns from 2010-2015 miraculously transform into ordinary hamster cage lining. 1.3473 0.04647 167 120 36 11
600 Abracadabra! And see the Constitution disappear before your very eyes! 1.3473 0.04799 167 122 32 13
601 Before the government shutdown I was a Russian translator for the president. 1.3473 0.04799 167 122 32 13
602 Ex uno plures—out of one, many. 1.3473 0.04799 167 122 32 13
603 Ánd now, the President’s tax returns! 1.3472 0.04400 193 140 39 14
604 And here it is....completely restored, and back in its original condition.....the president's tax return. 1.3471 0.04812 170 125 31 14
605 For my next trick, I'll shred my last trick. 1.3468 0.04752 173 127 32 14
606 I will now shred this document and come up woth a completely different set of facts. 1.3467 0.04822 150 107 34 9
607 Pick a redacted memo, any redacted memo. 1.3466 0.04553 176 127 37 12
608 I hope you backed up everything to the Cloud 1.3465 0.04204 202 145 44 13
609 I will now turn this worthless conceptual artwork into a Banksy 1.3462 0.04903 182 138 25 19
610 A good accountant? No. I am a MAGNIFICENT accountant! 1.3459 0.04595 185 136 34 15
611 The real trick, and most of the show, is when I put it back together. 1.3459 0.04967 159 117 29 13
612 And presto! I'm eligible to run for president! 1.3459 0.04967 159 117 29 13
613 A real magician never reveals his tax returns. 1.3459 0.04886 159 116 31 12
614 Subpoena this, Mr. Special Counsel. 1.3457 0.04542 188 138 35 15
615 Watch carefully as I, the Great El Trumpo, shred the Constitution before miraculously turning it into 20% off KFC coupon! 1.3457 0.05204 162 123 22 17
616 And now, the receipt for the Banksy! 1.3455 0.05061 165 124 25 16
617 Now watch while I make your vote magically disappear... 1.3455 0.04837 165 121 31 13
618 You are furloughed until further notice. Here is your paycheck. 1.3452 0.04700 168 122 34 12
619 You sure rabbits eat shredded paper? He's awfully quiet 1.3452 0.04775 168 123 32 13
620 Abracadabra, the Russian Interpreter’s notes have disappeared! 1.3448 0.04867 174 130 28 16
621 And voila, the translator's notes are gone. 1.3448 0.04729 174 128 32 14
622 And yet by printing just one page I have triggered the low ink level warning. 1.3446 0.04740 177 131 31 15
623 No worries, Ivanka. I'm shredding the last bit of our decency before I meet with Mueller. 1.3446 0.04671 177 130 33 14
624 And that, Mrs. Clinton, is how one recovers an email. 1.3446 0.04807 177 132 29 16
625 And now, I will make this subpoena... disappear! 1.3446 0.05138 148 109 27 12
626 For my next trick, I will attempt to turn one large piece of paper into many small pieces of paper. 1.3444 0.04193 180 126 46 8
627 Great, a Republican vote polling place! 1.3442 0.05161 154 115 25 14
628 To the Federal Worker, " Abracadabra there goes your pay check" 1.3439 0.04757 157 113 34 10
629 Now ,watch me make this parking ticket disappear. 1.3439 0.04757 157 113 34 10
630 Please observe that at no time does the shredder leave its cord. 1.3438 0.04779 160 116 33 11
631 Our Secretary of State has just completed processing Absentee and Early Voting ballots. 1.3436 0.04952 163 121 28 14
632 I call it "practical magic." 1.3436 0.05103 163 123 24 16
633 And with this, I thee shred." 1.3436 0.04952 163 121 28 14
634 It's tough developing an impressive current-day magic routine now that sawing you in half is considered offensive. 1.3434 0.04736 166 121 33 12
635 The invitation to your sister's third wedding goes in the magic box and... 1.3432 0.04365 169 119 42 8
636 I will make Democratic votes disappear in Florida and Georgia. 1.3430 0.04545 172 124 37 11
637 Absentee ballots! 1.3429 0.04706 175 129 32 14
638 The magic word is "nondisclosure." 1.3427 0.04973 143 103 31 9
639 And, after I shred this secret document, my assistant, Ekaterina in Moscow, will read it back to us in its entirety. 1.3425 0.05183 146 108 26 12
640 For my next trick I shall make the election results disappear. 1.3425 0.05274 146 109 24 13
641 Folks, this is an ordinary absentee ballot, collected from a North Carolina resident by my lovely assistant...watch as I make it disappear! 1.3424 0.04475 184 134 37 13
642 And for my next trick, your links to Russia will disappear 1.3423 0.05283 149 112 23 14
643 Unshred , unshred 1.3422 0.04425 187 136 38 13
644 So that, shareholders, concludes the investigation of my malfeasance. 1.3421 0.04376 190 138 39 13
645 We feed the interpreter's notes into the magic box... and voila! There is no collusion. 1.3421 0.05036 152 112 28 12
646 Abracadabra! You’re now an accomplice. 1.3419 0.04525 155 109 39 7
647 The Amazing Mueller will now make the Trump tax returns reappear 1.3418 0.04899 158 116 30 12
648 And now I will change a piece of paper into plausible denial. 1.3418 0.04816 158 115 32 11
649 Forget sawing a woman in half. Watch closely as I shred this ordinary sheet of paper and create a million dollar work of art. 1.3418 0.04469 158 111 40 7
650 After a slight mishap, The Great Shredo will no longer be using rabbits in his act. 1.3416 0.04835 161 118 31 12
651 I learned this trick from my accountant. First, I file my taxes here. Then, presto! I pull a refund out of my hat. 1.3416 0.04587 161 115 37 9
652 And now, Giuliani-ini the Great shreds yet another set of Mueller questions... 1.3415 0.04266 205 150 40 15
653 And then, like magic, I will reconstruct President Trump’s tax return. 1.3413 0.04788 167 123 31 13
654 Pick a shred, any shred. 1.3412 0.04801 170 126 30 14
655 And now, watch as I saw my assistant's benefit package in half 1.3412 0.04801 170 126 30 14
656 Behold! The Electoral College will now tally the ballot. 1.3412 0.04728 170 125 32 13
657 A good magician never does his taxes. 1.3409 0.04613 176 129 34 13
658 Voila! Without my knowledge or approval, my assistant will make evidence of my payments to a porn star disappear! 1.3408 0.04419 179 129 39 11
659 It's not really magic, but it will make a few things disappear. 1.3403 0.05136 144 106 27 11
660 And now here's one you can try at home 1.3401 0.04969 147 107 30 10
661 The magic? It also shreds all digital copies anywhere. 1.3401 0.04969 147 107 30 10
662 Voila -- the missing ballot is now intact! 1.3401 0.05062 147 108 28 11
663 ... and now, Mr Trump, with just a wave of my wand, your tax returns disappear. 1.3399 0.04921 153 112 30 11
664 Prior to sawing my lovely assistant in half, I present her with my personal guarantee for her safety. 1.3397 0.04314 156 108 43 5
665 For my next trick, I will make an auditor appear out of thin air. 1.3396 0.05112 159 120 24 15
666 And in a final irony, I shall make the warrant for failure to appear, disappear! 1.3396 0.04707 159 115 34 10
667 A magician never tells his secrets to the I.R.S. 1.3395 0.04564 162 116 37 9
668 What do you mean I have to make it reappear? 1.3393 0.04763 168 124 31 13
669 Whitehouse archives. 1.3392 0.04630 171 125 34 12
670 Magician files his tax returns! 1.3392 0.04848 171 128 28 15
671 But does Mr Trump know that is the Constitution? 1.3390 0.04863 177 134 26 17
672 And now, I'll make the Russian translater's notes disappear, 1.3388 0.04485 183 134 36 13
673 And poof! - no more prenup. 1.3378 0.04847 148 107 32 9
674 First we shred your Magician's "Thou-Shall-Do-No Harm" Contract and then we saw you in half. 1.3377 0.05051 151 112 27 12
675 I tried this with a rabbit but it was a little messy. 1.3376 0.04386 157 110 41 6
676 If this is not what you were expecting, please direct your grievances toward my wife here who thinks the "woman cut in half" is too degrading. 1.3375 0.04766 160 117 32 11
677 It's not magic, but it is better than eating the evidence. 1.3375 0.04847 160 118 30 12
678 And for my last trick, I will make truth disappear. 1.3375 0.04766 160 117 32 11
679 Presto-Chango: The "Reverse Shredder" re-constructs the President's tax return. 1.3375 0.04682 160 116 34 10
680 And for my next trick, I'll make 2018 disappear. 1.3375 0.04847 160 118 30 12
681 Watch me as I cut a critic in sixteenths. 1.3374 0.04456 163 116 39 8
682 and the translator’s notes go in just like this. 1.3374 0.04623 163 118 35 10
683 Would it ruin the trick if I told them there is an electronic copy? 1.3374 0.04704 163 119 33 11
684 Abraca...dammit! This is the REAL shredder! 1.3373 0.04723 166 122 32 12
685 Shreddicus Evidencia! 1.3373 0.04723 166 122 32 12
686 And now my lovely assistant will subvert democracy. 1.3373 0.04588 169 123 35 11
687 And with an assist from Olga, I will now make 50,000 votes disappear. 1.3372 0.04608 172 126 34 12
688 The rabbit sent me a letter? 1.3371 0.04695 175 130 31 14
689 We insist on the use of paper ballots. 1.3371 0.04176 175 123 45 7
690 Now, we’re going to make your vote disappear! 1.3371 0.04406 175 126 39 10
691 Watch closely, Ivanka, while I make this subpoena disappear! 1.3370 0.04516 181 133 35 13
692 And the electoral college will now make your vote disappear! 1.3370 0.04650 181 135 31 15
693 For my next trick, the Thirteenth Amendment ... 1.3370 0.04516 181 133 35 13
694 Wait until you see what this does to the rabbit. 1.3368 0.04553 190 142 32 16
695 This one weird trick will lower your taxes! 1.3355 0.04868 155 114 30 11
696 And now, this only copy of Donald Trumps taxes may......or may not..... reappear" 1.3355 0.04692 155 112 34 9
697 Now watch this boys and girls....this was the "magical" way your grandparents deleted their unwanted messages. 1.3355 0.04692 155 112 34 9
698 I told you mom, I won’t need this high school diploma if I’m a magician. 1.3355 0.04602 155 111 36 8
699 And now for a magic trick I have been perfecting since my 2001 performance at the Enron Christmas Party. 1.3354 0.04632 158 114 35 9
700 And for my next trick, I'll shred this STAPLED document 1.3354 0.04574 161 116 36 9
701 Watch me make this subpoena disappear 1.3354 0.05057 161 122 24 15
702 I will now shred my credit card bill and reconstitute it as a winning lottery ticket. 1.3354 0.04914 164 123 27 14
703 I appreciate any technology that obviates the need for a recount. 1.3354 0.04083 164 113 47 4
704 Now for my last trick, I will make Donald Trump’s tax returns reappear. 1.3354 0.04914 164 123 27 14
705 If you like this, wait until I get the rabbit. 1.3353 0.04699 167 123 32 12
706 And now i will show you how to change an indictment into a parking ticket. 1.3353 0.04924 167 126 26 15
707 And with that, my taxes are gone. For my next trick, I will disappear for 5-10 years with a chance of parole after 7. 1.3353 0.04622 167 122 34 11
708 Pay no attention to the shredder in front of the lady. 1.3353 0.04622 167 122 34 11
709 and now.....before your very eyes....watch as the incriminating content of this document becomes.....FAKE NEWS 1.3353 0.04622 167 122 34 11
710 Watch as the Great Trumpezi shreds the constitution! 1.3353 0.04641 170 125 33 12
711 You doubt me now, but this trick killed for Banksy . 1.3353 0.04789 170 127 29 14
712 my next trick involves an absentee ballot 1.3353 0.04716 170 126 31 13
713 With a wave of my magic wand, another mail-in ballot gets shredded! 1.3353 0.04585 173 127 34 12
714 And now I'll just pass my interpreter's notes through the magic truth box... 1.3352 0.04876 176 134 25 17
715 I agree this is working much better with paper than a dove. 1.3352 0.04816 179 136 26 17
716 Most magicians can only cut things in two, but I am eight times better than most magicians. 1.3352 0.04478 179 131 36 12
717 What collusion? 1.3352 0.04628 182 136 31 15
718 And for my next trick. Tax Fraud. 1.3352 0.04562 182 135 33 14
719 Since you refuse to be sawed in half, I will now make your contract disappear. 1.3333 0.04521 168 122 36 10
720 And with one swift wave of my wand, this shredded page of vitriol will become a tweet. 1.3333 0.04501 189 141 33 15
721 And Presto!, the great Giulliani makes collusion disappear. 1.3333 0.04718 177 133 29 15
722 Because I'm all out of rabbits. 1.3333 0.04509 177 130 35 12
723 Harold after finding out he was on the short list for Attorney General, began practicing how he would make Special Counsel reports and IRS records disappear. 1.3333 0.04338 183 133 39 11
724 And voilà, we have Brexit 1.3333 0.04441 168 121 38 9
725 Let's hope this works better than it did with that rabbit last week. 1.3333 0.04826 168 126 28 14
726 Trust me, people loved this trick when Banksy did it. 1.3333 0.04635 174 129 32 13
727 It's a lot neater than my rabbit-thru-the-shredder trick. 1.3333 0.04994 153 114 27 12
728 Hocus Pocus! Here come chats between Putin and POTUS! 1.3333 0.04656 165 121 33 11
729 This is a little trick I call 'Contract, what contract?' 1.3333 0.04777 159 117 31 11
730 For my next trick, I will make years of tax fraud - disappear! 1.3333 0.04489 174 127 36 11
731 Merlin, working for the FBI, pulls intact documents from the paper shredder. 1.3333 0.04608 159 115 35 9
732 After the unfortunate incident with the rabbit, they decided to tone down their act. 1.3333 0.04885 150 110 30 10
733 Now watch closely as I make 2016-18 disappear... 1.3333 0.04777 159 117 31 11
734 Trust me Carol, no one will miss your "Chicken and Mushroom Soup Casserole...." 1.3333 0.04706 174 130 30 14
735 And, zip-zap, I make the Constitution disappear. 1.3333 0.04994 153 114 27 12
736 and the name of this dandy device is the 'special counsel'" 1.3333 0.04735 165 122 31 12
737 Is it our Pre-Nup or is it Magic? 1.3333 0.04268 183 132 41 10
738 ......" and with a wave of Mario's magic wand .....the President's Christmas Tweet : is transported to its appropriate place in history". 1.3333 0.04367 201 150 35 16
739 The real magic comes from being able to let go, Sharon. 1.3333 0.04777 159 117 31 11
740 Presto chango! And for my next trick, I'll need an unscrupulous CPA from the audience. 1.3316 0.04308 193 142 38 13
741 Was it Shred it and then make a Copy, or...? 1.3314 0.04393 175 127 38 10
742 Sigh! I miss the Rabbit-and-Guillotine times !!! 1.3314 0.04812 172 130 27 15
743 If it brings you no joy.... 1.3314 0.04882 172 131 25 16
744 I will now assemby an IKEA Valhomla Kitchen Island with 48 separate parts 1.3314 0.04741 172 129 29 14
745 Great, but how do we get this thing up your sleeve? 1.3314 0.04595 172 127 33 12
746 Now these interpreter's notes from Trump's meeting with Putin will magically reappear! 1.3314 0.04874 169 128 26 15
747 I, the Great Shreddini, will now make the President's tax returns disappear. 1.3314 0.04652 169 125 32 12
748 So, now we know that this is much easier with paper than with a rabbit. 1.3313 0.04632 166 122 33 11
749 Nothing up my sleeve...anymore. 1.3313 0.04711 166 123 31 12
750 And now... a preview of 2020. 1.3313 0.04691 163 120 32 11
751 And abracadabra, the subpoena disappears! 1.3313 0.04752 160 118 31 11
752 Voila! With my patented Reverse-Shredder, government documents are put back into one piece making more sense than the originals! 1.3313 0.04752 160 118 31 11
753 A magician never reveals his secrets – or his tax returns. 1.3313 0.04668 160 117 33 10
754 And as you can see, the collusion disappears. 1.3312 0.04703 154 112 33 9
755 Annnnnd abracadabra.... I am NOT the father! 1.3312 0.04792 154 113 31 10
756 My first trick involves my marriage license. 1.3312 0.04612 154 111 35 8
757 Watch as I make shredding this document appear to be obstruction of justice. 1.3311 0.04735 148 107 33 8
758 My most popular illusion, collusion disappears. 1.3298 0.04336 191 141 37 13
759 The real magic is that I was able to change careers so late in life. 1.3298 0.04384 188 139 36 13
760 This trick does work better without the rabbit. 1.3296 0.04672 179 135 29 15
761 Abra Subpoena! 1.3296 0.04605 179 134 31 14
762 Nothing up my sleeves, or in this background check. 1.3295 0.04373 176 128 38 10
763 Is it a ballot box, a toaster, or a shredder? The voters will never know! 1.3295 0.04646 173 129 31 13
764 The trick is to feed just one sheet at a time. 1.3295 0.04499 173 127 35 11
765 Voila! The Mueller Report! 1.3294 0.04703 170 127 30 13
766 I will now turn this solid piece of paper into confetti. 1.3294 0.04553 170 125 34 11
767 Abracadabra! And like that, we’ve made America great again! 1.3294 0.04703 170 127 30 13
768 And for my next trick, I will make the Emoluments Clause disappear! 1.3293 0.04686 167 124 31 12
769 Now I’m going to ask Congress to join me onstage as we insert the proposal to end the Government Shutdown. 1.3293 0.04912 167 127 25 15
770 With a wave of the wand, it is now, jammed. 1.3293 0.04763 167 125 29 13
771 I adjusted my act, after the saw-box incident. 1.3293 0.04334 164 117 40 7
772 Abracadabra -- no collusion! 1.3293 0.04746 164 122 30 12
773 Ladies and gentleman I present the POTUS tax returns! 1.3293 0.04824 164 123 28 13
774 Now watch democracy disappear 1.3293 0.04824 164 123 28 13
775 And voila, your depressing Honey Do list becomes my celebratory confetti! 1.3292 0.04727 161 119 31 11
776 I insert my recent tax return, and out comes a ticket to a country with no extradition treaty to the U.S. 1.3292 0.04644 161 118 33 10
777 In this trick I transform a banal sketch into a coveted and valuable piece of art. I call it the 'Banksy Illusion'. 1.3290 0.04495 155 111 37 7
778 We're testing a Russian voting machine for 2020 with a disappearing paper trail." 1.3289 0.04830 152 112 30 10
779 No, we don’t use Mr. Nibbles for this trick anymore 1.3289 0.04897 149 110 29 10
780 And gone is the national debt. 1.3288 0.05061 146 109 26 11
781 I swear it looked cool when Banksy did it. 1.3287 0.05135 143 107 25 11
782 Presto! The First Amendment vanishes. 1.3280 0.04668 186 142 27 17
783 So far I've only mastered the first part of this trick. 1.3280 0.03850 186 130 51 5
784 ...And Abracadabra, your Georgia State election ballot is tallied! 1.3278 0.04716 180 137 27 16
785 All tha abbra-cadabra's in the world won't prevent this from jamming! 1.3277 0.04497 177 131 34 12
786 And that is how you turn contracts into kitty litter 1.3276 0.04623 174 130 31 13
787 Boy, do I miss that rabbit! 1.3276 0.04402 174 127 37 10
788 I told President Trump I was a magician with Tax Returns so now I'm handling all his filing. 1.3276 0.04550 174 129 33 12
789 For my next trick, I will make Democrat ballots disappear. 1.3275 0.04680 171 128 30 13
790 Ladies and Gentlemen, watch your vote disappear before your very eyes! 1.3274 0.04427 168 122 37 9
791 And as quickly as they appeared, Trump's tax returns shall now disappear from your very eyes, fulfilling yet another campaign promise! 1.3274 0.04586 168 124 33 11
792 And now I’ll make Banksy’s payment disappear. 1.3274 0.04738 168 126 29 13
793 “There - no shreds of evidence that I ever contacted any Russians.” 1.3274 0.04813 168 127 27 14
794 And Prestoroonie! I pull a completely intact Florida Republican registered vote out of a paper shredder! 1.3270 0.04927 159 120 26 13
795 And now, a trick I learned at the Justice Department. Watch in amazement as I pull a Trump-Putin conversation transcript from the shredder unscathed! 1.3270 0.05008 159 121 24 14
796 Bear with me, if you've seen this before--how the Bill of Rights can be made to completely disappear. 1.3269 0.04652 156 114 33 9
797 Next, I am going to shred my wife’s meatloaf recipe (her only copy). 1.3269 0.04304 208 157 34 17
798 ‘“Next we add some bedding to make the rabbit nice and comfortable.” 1.3269 0.04826 156 116 29 11
799 No collusion illusion! Presto, Shredo! 1.3268 0.05065 153 116 24 13
800 And now, a re-enactment of everyone’s favorite disappearing act from 2016–the ballot! 1.3267 0.04869 150 111 29 10
801 And that's the famous Bernie Madoff trick 1.3267 0.04682 150 109 33 8
802 If this works, we'll try it with the rabbit. 1.3265 0.05123 147 111 24 12
803 The ballot disappears into this toaster and voila! Donald Trump wins the Presidency. 1.3263 0.04532 190 144 30 16
804 And now my lovely assistant will shred this paternity test." 1.3262 0.04259 187 137 39 11
805 And presto...no more subpoena. 1.3260 0.04354 181 133 37 11
806 Ok...let's try this agin: "Alakazam! you will not jam!" 1.3259 0.05024 135 99 28 8
807 Watch how deftly I shred ballots cast by likely Democratic voters. 1.3258 0.04882 178 138 22 18
808 'Marie said it's the life-changing magic of tidying up.' 1.3258 0.04546 178 133 32 13
809 Meet the Great Obstructio, new Attorney General. 1.3258 0.04404 178 131 36 11
810 And, Presto, transcripts of all the Trump-Putin meetings! 1.3258 0.04404 178 131 36 11
811 Banksy made this look so easy 1.3257 0.04741 175 133 27 15
812 For my next trick I need a volunteer from the audience who's an attorney. 1.3257 0.04671 175 132 29 14
813 And for my next trick: Collusion Confetti. 1.3254 0.04861 169 129 25 15
814 In goes the legislation and out will come a balanced budget. 1.3254 0.04562 169 125 33 11
815 How your mail ballot goes into the void never to be counted. 1.3253 0.04697 166 124 30 12
816 To think, I use to have to saw up voter districts and reassemble them into fanciful shapes. 1.3253 0.04539 166 122 34 10
817 For my next trick, I will make the office paper shredder work. 1.3253 0.04375 166 120 38 8
818 The IRS didn't believe my magic deductions. 1.3252 0.04836 163 123 27 13
819 A magician never reveals his receipts. 1.3252 0.04758 163 122 29 12
820 And I shall magically make the President's tax returns reappear. Oops. Oh, darn. 1.3250 0.04393 160 115 38 7
821 Heidi, would you please come up to verify that this is the document you shredded. 1.3247 0.04279 194 144 37 13
822 Now watch closely as I make the prosecution's case disappear before your very eyes! 1.3247 0.04687 154 113 32 9
823 Let's start with paper. But wait 'til you see how fast this sucker makes a rabbit disappear! 1.3245 0.05108 151 115 23 13
824 Maybe we need to plug it in?! 1.3245 0.04842 151 112 29 10
825 And presto, my Democratic vote is now in Florida's hands. 1.3243 0.04909 148 110 28 10
826 A magician never reveals his tax return secrets 1.3242 0.04118 182 131 43 8
827 The real magic will be getting this damn thing unjammed. 1.3242 0.04334 182 134 37 11
828 There ..... now, watch closely as the ballots change from blue to red right before your eyes. 1.3242 0.04403 182 135 35 12
829 Now you see proof of tax evasion, now you don't. 1.3242 0.04403 182 135 35 12
830 Watch your hands! I'm a magician, not a miracle worker. 1.3239 0.04640 142 102 34 6
831 ...and it’s stuck 1.3239 0.04578 176 132 31 13
832 Now, by the power of electricity... 1.3239 0.04786 176 135 25 16
833 You’re right—much smoother than the rabbit. 1.3237 0.05228 139 105 23 11
834 My latest trick is called 'the disappearing ballot.' 1.3237 0.04255 173 125 40 8
835 I now pronounce us ex-husband and ex-wife. 1.3237 0.04560 173 129 32 12
836 If I can perform this trick on Fox News, I might get a job with the WhiteHouse. 1.3235 0.04616 170 127 31 12
837 And now, ladies & gentlemen, watch as I magically un-shred Trumps tax returns! 1.3234 0.04750 167 126 28 13
838 And... voilà! The incriminating evidence is now eco-friendly compost! 1.3234 0.04353 167 121 38 8
839 Hold it steady kellyanne! 1.3234 0.04673 167 125 30 12
840 I will feed the Trump-Putin meeting notes into the shredder, and Presto! There is no collusion! 1.3234 0.04673 167 125 30 12
841 You're right. This is much less messy than rabbits. 1.3230 0.04458 161 117 36 8
842 The handbook recommends starting with this, before I try sawing you in half." 1.3230 0.04712 161 120 30 11
843 And now, I will magically make the President's Russian interpreter's meeting notes disappear 1.3228 0.04602 158 116 33 9
844 This is a special trick ordered from the 45th President of the United States; I am to make these tax returns disappear. 1.3228 0.04423 158 114 37 7
845 With one wave of this wand the remaining evidence of my 4 years at Princeton will disappear - and with it the hopes and dreams of my parents. 1.3226 0.04838 155 116 28 11
846 Now I am magically extracting Donald Trumps tax returns from the shredder! 1.3226 0.04466 186 140 32 14
847 I will now make your caption entry magically disappear! 1.3224 0.04992 152 115 25 12
848 And now my assistant will reassemble the document. 1.3224 0.04815 152 113 29 10
849 For my next trick, I'll need a copy machine. 1.3224 0.04535 152 110 35 7
850 Now you see collusion and now you don’t! 1.3222 0.04433 180 134 34 12
851 All is well, have no fear, watch the transcript disappear... 1.3220 0.04412 177 131 35 11
852 And now, as I shred my notes from the President's last meeting with Premier Putin, Robert Mueller will suddenly appear. 1.3218 0.04538 174 130 32 12
853 And with that, your taxes are gone! 1.3217 0.05308 143 110 20 13
854 And PRESTO, your credit score has disappeared. For my next trick, I will saw your 401k in half. 1.3216 0.04592 171 128 31 12
855 In tribute to Banksy, we shall turn an ordinary page into a masterpiece! 1.3216 0.04362 171 125 37 9
856 Watch me pull the president's tax returns out of my shredder. 1.3216 0.04667 171 129 29 13
857 And the next thing to disappear...our motel receipt from last night. 1.3216 0.04440 171 126 35 10
858 Annnnddd Presto! No collusion! 1.3216 0.04812 171 131 25 15
859 Here’s a little trick I learned from Oliver North. 1.3210 0.04435 162 118 36 8
860 Ladies and Gentlemen I will now make this warrant for my arrest disappear. 1.3210 0.04348 162 117 38 7
861 There's a shred of truth to my magic tricks. 1.3209 0.04110 187 136 42 9
862 And voila! The new Vote-o-matic voting machine, brought to you by The Trump Organization, securely records your ballot! 1.3208 0.04831 159 120 27 12
863 Through the magic of voter suppression, here's how your ballot is counted. 1.3208 0.04578 159 117 33 9
864 And now, to prove there has been absolutely no collusion, my assistant and translator Natasha will completely shred all her notes. 1.3208 0.04748 159 119 29 11
865 After last week's incident, we'll only be separating inanimate objects from now on. 1.3203 0.04697 153 113 31 9
866 And that is how you un-shred it. 1.3202 0.04603 178 135 29 14
867 Presto-Chang-o, Redact-o Fact-o! 1.3202 0.04169 178 129 41 8
868 Watch now, see democracy vanish right before your very eyes. 1.3198 0.04716 172 131 27 14
869 abracadabra watch Trump's interpreters notes disappear! 1.3198 0.04418 172 127 35 10
870 Watch me make this critic's review disappear! 1.3198 0.04341 172 126 37 9
871 And so, with a wave of my wand, I pull the interpreter's notes out of the shredder! 1.3198 0.04569 172 129 31 12
872 And just like that, your adolescent poetry disappears. 1.3195 0.04549 169 126 32 11
873 Ladies and gentlemen, don’t be alarmed. Through my amazing magical powers, I will defy all natural laws and attempt to restore the constitution to its original condition! 1.3195 0.04626 169 127 30 12
874 And now, these translator notes will disappear before your very eyes. 1.3194 0.05367 144 112 18 14
875 For my next trick, I will make it disappear like an African-American's vote in Georgia. 1.3194 0.04681 191 149 23 19
876 Now! Watch closely as my lovely assistant Lucinda aids and abets as I make this damaging piece of evidence disappear! 1.3190 0.04743 163 123 28 12
877 Abracadabra. I am going to shred this junk mail and it is going to magically reappear in your mailbox tomorrow morning. 1.3190 0.04581 163 121 32 10
878 And in what sadly will be her last show as his assistant, Alakazam proves to Marie that her contract was just an illusion. 1.3190 0.04147 163 116 42 5
879 Not everything is magic! 1.3187 0.04179 182 133 40 9
880 And, poof! No proof of collusion! 1.3185 0.04522 157 115 34 8
881 At the count of three, this shredded secret government document will magically reappear...in Russia! 1.3185 0.04785 157 118 28 11
882 This is the copy machine, right dear! 1.3184 0.04221 201 151 36 14
883 And,with a swish of my wand,l will show you how we count our ballots. 1.3182 0.04936 154 117 25 12
884 I will now perform some legal magic. 1.3182 0.04849 154 116 27 11
885 This trick has never before been performed in public. 1.3182 0.04761 154 115 29 10
886 They say it can't be done! But watch as I, Steve the Magnificent, escape from Jury Duty! 1.3179 0.04396 173 128 35 10
887 And now, ladies and gentlemen...for my final trick...the Constitution! 1.3179 0.04692 173 132 27 14
888 And for my next trick - I will make these Florida ballots disappear! 1.3176 0.04369 170 125 36 9
889 For the act, is it ok if I call you "Melania"? 1.3176 0.05077 148 113 23 12
890 And now watch as I instantly get a job with the administration. 1.3176 0.04892 148 111 27 10
891 ..and now, for the last of my dignity. 1.3176 0.04985 148 112 25 11
892 Now watch carefully as I make these grounds for federal indictment disappear! 1.3174 0.04659 167 126 29 12
893 When gerrymandering doesn’t work, this is how Republicans deal with minority voters. 1.3174 0.04736 167 127 27 13
894 Abracadabra, no more collusion. 1.3171 0.04950 164 127 22 15
895 I, The Great Trumpino, will make the constitution disappear! 1.3171 0.04874 164 126 24 14
896 Siegfried and Roy, I thought you said shred and destroy 1.3171 0.04638 164 123 30 11
897 Unfortunately we lost fluffy in the original version of this trick. 1.3168 0.04614 161 120 31 10
898 Presto, change-o! Conversations with Putin disappear! 1.3167 0.04490 180 136 31 13
899 Wanksy Tanksy gonna make a Banksy 1.3167 0.04420 180 135 33 12
900 Shred softly and carry a big stick. (Said Trump about the dossier.) 1.3165 0.04759 158 119 28 11
901 Now I will demonstrate how politicians make things disappear.” 1.3165 0.04498 158 116 34 8
902 The real trick is keeping everyone's mouth shut. 1.3165 0.04759 158 119 28 11
903 You know Linda, sometimes abracadbra isn't enough 1.3165 0.04586 158 117 32 9
904 What you saw, didn’t happen. What you heard, was never said. What he wrote, is misspelled.” 1.3165 0.04586 158 117 32 9
905 Combining business with pleasure is the real magic, Miss Jones. 1.3165 0.04586 158 117 32 9
906 And where it goes, no one knows 1.3164 0.04097 177 128 42 7
907 For my next trick, I''m going to make it reappear in a copy machine. 1.3161 0.04269 155 111 39 5
908 Wait till you see my disappearing rabbit trick. 1.3158 0.04186 171 124 40 7
909 This is much harder on the rabbit 1.3158 0.04977 152 116 24 12
910 Now you see these Tax Returns! Now you.... 1.3158 0.05063 152 117 22 13
911 And now watch my Russian translator notes disappear! 1.3158 0.04653 171 130 28 13
912 And, abracadabra ... no collusion. 1.3155 0.04558 168 126 31 11
913 Don’t try this one with the rabbit 1.3155 0.04635 168 127 29 12
914 I am now going to make the restraining order filed by my lovely assistant, disappear. 1.3155 0.04558 168 126 31 11
915 And now, we're going to make those allegations against me magically disappear! 1.3154 0.05047 149 114 23 12
916 Well, apparently it's magic for Sotheby's. 1.3154 0.04864 149 112 27 10
917 There goes the President's Tax Return for yet another year! 1.3152 0.04282 165 120 38 7
918 You say there will be a shred of evidence? 1.3151 0.04933 146 110 26 10
919 And now, for a trick the IRS hates... 1.3151 0.04636 146 107 32 7
920 And just like that, the truth disappears! 1.3149 0.04329 181 135 35 11
921 If they ask, tell them I thought it was a postage machine. 1.3149 0.04257 181 134 37 10
922 This is a trick I learned during my time spent in Broward County, Florida. 1.3148 0.04673 162 122 29 11
923 Voila! Notes from a Russian interpreter. 1.3147 0.04904 143 107 27 9
924 There, that should take care of the pesky Putin / Trump Interpreter notes. 1.3146 0.04520 178 135 30 13
925 This is called my disappearing votes trick! 1.3146 0.04378 178 133 34 11
926 And with one swish of my wand, our democracy disappears! 1.3145 0.04816 159 121 26 12
927 His assistant thought that he didn't have a shred of decency. He did, it was just paper thin. 1.3145 0.04384 159 116 36 7
928 And for my final trick, you’ve been served. 1.3143 0.04354 175 130 35 10
929 Voila! A hanging chad. 1.3143 0.04428 175 131 33 11
930 And now, for my next trick, my assistant's toaster will translate your ballot into Russian 1.3141 0.04796 156 118 27 11
931 I swear, Hilda, this will kill on the corporate circuit. 1.3140 0.04845 172 134 22 16
932 Watch now as my tax returns vanish, only to reappear in congressional testimony months later. 1.3140 0.04481 172 129 32 11
933 The real trick is putting it back together. 1.3137 0.04493 153 112 34 7
934 Russian Translation by day. The Great Shreddini by night! 1.3137 0.04680 153 114 30 9
935 Yes honey. It's a scanner. 1.3137 0.04493 153 112 34 7
936 And now for my version of Shredded Tweet.. 1.3137 0.04680 153 114 30 9
937 Watch closely: The paper...will...not...jam. 1.3137 0.04771 153 115 28 10
938 I learnt my craft working on the 2016 Election campaign. 1.3136 0.04295 169 124 37 8
939 And out comes a bunny. 1.3134 0.05016 134 100 26 8
940 It's as if this conversation never happened. 1.3133 0.04174 166 120 40 6
941 I can assure you, that despite what you may think that you see, no evidence is really harmed or destroyed in this trick. 1.3133 0.04345 166 122 36 8
942 I believe this is the last transcript of the Helsinki meeting. 1.3133 0.04428 166 123 34 9
943 And for my last trick, I'm going to show you how to make your debt disappear. 1.3133 0.04428 166 123 34 9
944 For my next trick, I’ll fix Theresa May’s brexit plan. 1.3133 0.04747 166 127 26 13
945 We'll just put your vote in the magic toaster, and voila, the opponent wins 1.3133 0.04669 166 126 28 12
946 It would be a great trick, if my vote actually counted 1.3132 0.04308 182 136 35 11
947 Alakajam! 1.3129 0.04566 163 122 31 10
948 Before I saw you in half, watch the theater's liability waiver disappear. 1.3129 0.04729 163 124 27 12
949 Subpoenashreddis! 1.3129 0.04729 163 124 27 12
950 And...Presto! The G.O.P. sweeps the Birmingham elections. 1.3128 0.04636 179 138 26 15
951 Observe how quickly a Russian business contract can disappear! 1.3125 0.04537 160 119 32 9
952 ...and I've been magically un-served! 1.3122 0.04263 189 142 35 12
953 Ladies and Gentlemen, right before your eyes I will make this subpoena disappear. 1.3121 0.04305 173 128 36 9
954 And now your harassment allegation just goes right in here... 1.3121 0.04683 157 118 29 10
955 I never thought I'd say it, but you're right: this trick really is much better without the rabbits. 1.3121 0.04854 157 120 25 12
956 Ladies and Gentlemen, I will now make all the evidence disappear 1.3121 0.04595 157 117 31 9
957 And now I shall make a rabbit appear out of a shredder." 1.3118 0.04588 170 129 29 12
958 Now watch very carefully as I attempt to restore this prenuptial agreement. 1.3118 0.04588 170 129 29 12
959 And, for my next trick, I will show the Justice Department how to make the Mueller Report disappear. 1.3117 0.04920 154 118 24 12
960 Don’t worry, this isn’t how the rabbit disappeared. 1.3115 0.03998 183 133 43 7
961 The magic is that it ends up making more sense than it did going in. 1.3114 0.04566 167 126 30 11
962 I will now make this ballot and 60,000 others disappear before your eyes! 1.3114 0.04566 167 126 30 11
963 For my next trick, I will make all evidence of the President's collusion with Russia disappear. 1.3114 0.04722 167 128 26 13
964 I place the only copy of my mother-in-law's meatloaf recipe in this magic device,and presto it disappears! 1.3114 0.04566 167 126 30 11
965 Presto change! Presidential Collusion is now... Russian adoption! 1.3113 0.04899 151 115 25 11
966 Presto magic... what constitution? 1.3110 0.04374 164 121 35 8
967 Don't worry Susan, I'll make your contract reappear with a only a few minor changes. 1.3110 0.04459 164 122 33 9
968 And if everything works out, we'll have a brand new budget on the other end. 1.3110 0.04623 164 124 29 11
969 And for my next trick, watch the transcript of Trump's Putin meetings disappear​! 1.3110 0.04623 164 124 29 11
970 And now ladies and gentlemen, watch as your vote disappears before your very eyes! 1.3107 0.04385 177 133 33 11
971 And for my next trick: The Trump/Putin Meeting Notes Disappearance Act 1.3106 0.04513 161 120 32 9
972 Not a rabbit this time. Happy, PETA? 1.3106 0.04682 161 122 28 11
973 My next trick is President Trump's favorite. I will now make the Mueller Report disappear! 1.3099 0.04857 171 134 21 16
974 This next trick I learned from G. Gordon Liddy the Great. 1.3099 0.04253 171 126 37 8
975 I am now shredding the insurance policy for my assistant Carol in case of accidental disappearance of disembodiment. 1.3099 0.04857 171 134 21 16
976 There goes the Constitution folks! 1.3099 0.04411 171 128 33 10
977 Undo! 1.3097 0.04718 155 117 28 10
978 Watch carefully, as banking fraud disappears right before your very eyes! 1.3097 0.04537 155 115 32 8
979 And for my next trick, I'll make this non-disclosure agreement disappear. 1.3097 0.04718 155 117 28 10
980 And, presto, MANY shreds of evidence ! 1.3097 0.04718 155 117 28 10
981 And now we insert your ballot, to create a paper trail 1.3095 0.04301 168 124 36 8
982 In honor of the shutdown, I'll only recover two thirds of this page. 1.3095 0.04383 168 125 34 9
983 The Magic Voting Machine 1.3095 0.04543 168 127 30 11
984 I still haven't figured out how to make it re-appear. 1.3092 0.04871 152 116 25 11
985 Now, you've all seen the shell game trick, but have you seen the shell company trick? 1.3091 0.04679 165 126 27 12
986 Abracadabra is passé, we now just say, Banksy. 1.3091 0.04679 165 126 27 12
987 "Now, might anyone in the audience have their own subpoena they'd like me to make disappear?" 1.3091 0.04518 165 124 31 10
988 And now to make democracy disappear... 1.3088 0.05272 136 105 20 11
989 Votes for democracy in here please. 1.3086 0.04574 162 122 30 10
990 I will now insert this magic paper and it will come out in shreds. 1.3086 0.04025 175 127 42 6
991 With the help of my able assistant,Sarah Huckabee Sanders, I will make the results of the mid-term elections disappear! 1.3086 0.04185 175 129 38 8
992 The real trick is unjamming this piece of paper. 1.3086 0.04561 175 134 28 13
993 And here’s how we make a ballot DISAPPEAR… 1.3082 0.04545 159 119 31 9
994 These notes from President Trump's meeting with Mr. Putin must be shredded before he eats them 1.3082 0.04883 159 123 23 13
995 For my next trick, I shall require some Scotch tape. It could take a while. 1.3082 0.04084 159 114 41 4
996 All is illusion--I shred the paper without jamming the shredder! 1.3081 0.04466 172 130 31 11
997 And now watch as Donald Trumps tax records disappear. 1.3081 0.04616 172 132 27 13
998 If you think this is great, just wait and see what is does to a boiled chicken and a head of iceberg lettuce. 1.3081 0.04542 172 131 29 12
999 Viola! It renders intelligible English from hocus-pocus Potus gibberish. 1.3081 0.04389 172 129 33 10
1000 And presto! Al Gore is no longer president-elect! 1.3081 0.04389 172 129 33 10
1001 Thank you, thank you...for my next trick, I will need the help of a credit card in the audience. 1.3081 0.04108 185 137 39 9
1002 And lo! The Constitution disappears by The Make America Great Trumpinski's command! 1.3081 0.04384 185 141 31 13
1003 Open shredame! 1.3077 0.04520 169 128 30 11
1004 He doesn’t need me to hold this... but it’s better than getting sawed in half. 1.3077 0.04520 169 128 30 11
1005 Watch as evidence vanishes before your very eyes. 1.3073 0.04206 192 145 35 12
1006 Here's a trick I learned from Banksy. 1.3073 0.04623 179 139 25 15
1007 Now watch me make this bill for The Wall disappear! 1.3073 0.04623 179 139 25 15
1008 This is my last letter from Mom telling me I wouldn’t make it as a magician. 1.3073 0.04485 179 137 29 13
1009 ...and voila, a Banksy.... 1.3072 0.04413 166 124 33 9
1010 Ladies and Gentlemen behold the Bill of Rights 1.3072 0.04884 166 130 21 15
1011 The new Vote-O-Matic magically turns one vote into one hundred! 1.3072 0.04654 166 127 27 12
1012 I can put The Constitution back together again, believe me. 1.3072 0.04413 166 124 33 9
1013 This trick looked better on paper. 1.3072 0.04570 153 114 31 8
1014 Behold, my assistant’s disappearing health insurance policy! On a related note, I won’t be sawing her in half anymore. 1.3072 0.04475 153 113 33 7
1015 A magician never reveals his secrets- to the IRS. 1.3072 0.04377 153 112 35 6
1016 Let's see what The New Yorker does after I shred the list of the remaining 153 captions that have never been submitted. 1.3071 0.04851 140 105 27 8
1017 Watch now as my assistant's literary ambition disappears! 1.3069 0.04184 189 142 36 11
1018 Abracadabra! And just like that, all evidence of collusion with the Russians disappears! 1.3069 0.04251 189 143 34 12
1019 And this is how you do disappearing absentee ballots in North Carolina’s 9th district. 1.3068 0.04393 176 133 32 11
1020 It's a letter from the woman I sawed in two... she's half-hearted about taking me to court. 1.3067 0.04380 163 121 34 8
1021 Now watch as I make the evidence of collusion disappear! 1.3067 0.04793 163 126 24 13
1022 Ladies and gentlemen, it is my sincere pleasure testifying today before Congress... 1.3065 0.04089 186 138 39 9
1023 You think shredding your documents protect your privacy? Watch this! 1.3064 0.03964 173 125 43 5
1024 The Amazing Disappearing Ballot 1.3064 0.04519 173 132 29 12
1025 Thanks for making me come all the way down here to deposit my ballot. 1.3062 0.04343 160 118 35 7
1026 Abracadabra, a pesky House Oversight Committee subpoena is GONE! 1.3062 0.05015 160 126 19 15
1027 Try not to act like we do this four times a day. 1.3060 0.04132 183 136 38 9
1028 I will now make your New Yorker cartoon caption entry disappear. 1.3059 0.04573 170 130 28 12
1029 My favorite trick- any Florida election. 1.3059 0.04497 170 129 30 11
1030 Abracadabra - there goes your government check! 1.3059 0.04339 170 127 34 9
1031 I swear this is the only way to get the damn thing to work! 1.3057 0.04376 193 149 29 15
1032 Abracadabra! You never graduated from Trump University. 1.3056 0.04250 180 135 35 10
1033 And for the final trick... I’ll make these votes disappear! 1.3056 0.04250 180 135 35 10
1034 The constitution wasn't that good anyway. 1.3056 0.04955 144 110 24 10
1035 ...and "presto" my ballott it counted in Florida! 1.3054 0.04630 167 128 27 12
1036 If this goes well, we may be moving on from the box and the saw. 1.3054 0.04136 167 122 39 6
1037 Now, with a wave of my wand, this work from Christo will increase in value! 1.3053 0.04165 190 143 36 11
1038 Bills piling up? No problem with the incredible Shred-o-matic! 1.3052 0.04544 154 115 31 8
1039 The interpreter's notes are being fed into this shredder. Next, I'll pull an indictment out of her ear. 1.3052 0.04450 154 114 33 7
1040 Ladies and gentlemen, this is an old trick that I learned from G. Gordon Liddy 1.3050 0.04606 141 104 31 6
1041 A magician may never reveal his trick, but he can certainly shred the evidence. 1.3049 0.04526 164 124 30 10
1042 Who says shredding evidence can’t be fun? 1.3049 0.04608 164 125 28 11
1043 Ala Ka Zee - Ala Ka Smaxes ,This is why you will never see Trumps Taxes! 1.3046 0.04972 151 117 22 12
1044 Because of the sawing the lady misfortune I'm back to paper restoring only. 1.3046 0.04791 151 115 26 10
1045 And for my next trick, I will make your pension funds disappear. You may remember this classic from our 2007 tour. 1.3046 0.04642 174 135 25 14
1046 And Abracadabra, out comes a Banksy! 1.3043 0.04582 161 122 29 10
1047 This isn’t working, do you know how to dance. 1.3043 0.04988 161 127 19 15
1048 One tap of my wand and this document will become a valuable work of art. 1.3041 0.04550 171 131 28 12
1049 And now the collusion 1.3041 0.04550 171 131 28 12
1050 And the House thought I would veto it. 1.3041 0.04071 171 125 40 6
1051 Yes, it's true - it is the Social Contract. 1.3039 0.04511 181 140 27 14
1052 And voila! Trump’s translstor’s notes from his meeting with Putin magically reappear! 1.3038 0.05056 158 125 18 15
1053 Subpoena. subpawna. subpohna. 1.3036 0.04528 168 128 29 11
1054 My next impossible feat, Mr. President, is to try to protect you from impeachment the only way I know how .... 1.3036 0.04528 168 128 29 11
1055 For my next trick, I'll turn this shredded copy of the Constitution into a border wall and then run for President. 1.3036 0.04606 168 129 27 12
1056 And, voila, our marriage is dissolved. For my next trick... 1.3036 0.04368 168 126 33 9
1057 This is not part of the act - it's revenge for years of paper cuts. 1.3036 0.04448 168 127 31 10
1058 And now, ladies and gentlemen, my Rosemary Woods impression. 1.3034 0.04827 145 110 26 9
1059 Behold as the Great and Powerful Giuliani makes collusion disappear before your very eyes! 1.3032 0.04519 155 116 31 8
1060 Say so long to Hillary's last email. 1.3032 0.03981 188 139 41 8
1061 Now you see the wall proposal. And now you don’t. 1.3030 0.04663 165 127 26 12
1062 I will now place my ballot in this Russian shredder and see who gets elected! 1.3030 0.04819 165 129 22 14
1063 The real magic comes when we recycle this. 1.3029 0.04400 175 133 31 11
1064 When I wave this Wand of Privilege, my lovely assistant's allegations against me will disappear! I'll be performing this trick with a new assistant tomorrow. 1.3028 0.04468 142 104 33 5
1065 I place the collusion evidence in the magic shredder and WALLAH! 1.3026 0.04854 152 117 24 11
1066 Behold! This is the new ballot box/shredder combo machine. If the voter votes for another dumbass, the ballot will be shredded. 1.3026 0.04943 152 118 22 12
1067 And voila! The end of voter fraud! 1.3026 0.04481 152 113 32 7
1068 I call this my Banksy trick. 1.3025 0.04208 162 119 37 6
1069 Lieutenant Colonel Oliver North and Fawn Hall take their magic show on the road. 1.3025 0.04473 162 122 31 9
1070 And now I will...oops! Wrong one. 1.3025 0.04558 162 123 29 10
1071 For my next trick, tax evasion. 1.3023 0.04527 172 132 28 12
1072 And now I will make all evidence of collusion disappear! 1.3023 0.04747 172 135 22 15
1073 Excuse me, Ms. Snipes, is this the voting box for absentee ballots? 1.3023 0.04374 172 130 32 10
1074 And this is how we feed the rabbit. 1.3023 0.04374 172 130 32 10
1075 Watch me make this Mueller report disappear! 1.3023 0.04296 172 129 34 9
1076 And now I place this secret document into the Paul Manafort Signature Model Shredder ... 1.3023 0.04296 172 129 34 9
1077 Now, Ladies and Gentlemen, let's watch Ms. Giggle's contract disappear as we find out she shared all my tricks on the internet. 1.3020 0.04733 149 113 27 9
1078 And just like that, the minority vote DISAPPEARS! 1.3020 0.05102 149 117 19 13
1079 The rabbit made an awful mess. 1.3019 0.04528 159 120 30 9
1080 Not what I expected when you promised to make my debt disappear. 1.3019 0.04615 159 121 28 10
1081 And for my next trick,one that actually works. 1.3019 0.04615 159 121 28 10
1082 So now you're thinking, No Congressional committee will ever know the contents of THAT document, right? 1.3019 0.04349 159 118 34 7
1083 If you think about it, it's still a trick. 1.3018 0.04345 169 127 33 9
1084 And then for $1million, I will make Banksy appear! 1.3017 0.04329 179 136 32 11
1085 And with one tap of my wand, I will make all Russian collusion disappear! 1.3017 0.04329 179 136 32 11
1086 Abracadabra, Trump's tax returns." 1.3013 0.04675 156 119 27 10
1087 Presto-chango, and...not guilty! 1.3013 0.04585 156 118 29 9
1088 My mother was right, marry a doctor. 1.3012 0.04396 166 125 32 9
1089 Do not try this trick at home, unless you also have a shredder. 1.3012 0.04313 166 124 34 8
1090 :...and this trick I like to call...the Oliver North." 1.3011 0.04284 186 142 32 12
1091 Banksey taught me this back when I was an art critic. 1.3011 0.04215 186 141 34 11
1092 He is such a bad magician he has to use a shredder to make a piece of paper disappear. 1.3007 0.04865 143 109 25 9
1093 Bet thisn’t what you thought I meant by “stripper?” 1.3007 0.04551 153 115 30 8
1094 And now, ladies and gentlemen...I will make my heretofore unsubstantiated relationship with Russia disappear. Oh, and my tax records! 1.3007 0.04915 153 119 22 12
1095 Behold! The Un-shredder! 1.3007 0.04551 153 115 30 8
1096 As you can see ladies and gentlemen, there is no collusion. 1.3007 0.05001 153 120 20 13
1097 Next, a little something my accountant calls the "leave no trace" trick. 1.3007 0.04736 153 117 26 10
1098 You're right, this works a lot better than a dove." 1.3006 0.04352 173 131 32 10
1099 I used to hide the coin behind my ear,but the IRS caught on. 1.3006 0.04723 173 136 22 15
1100 Don't try this with a live rabbit. 1.3006 0.04352 173 131 32 10
1101 This ballot will reappear in a very different form! 1.3006 0.04275 173 130 34 9
1102 And now I shall make this subpoena from Robert Mueller disappear..like magic! 1.3005 0.04109 193 146 36 11
1103 For all my past and current assistants claiming abuse and wishing for a mere shred of evidence- wish granted! 1.3000 0.04706 150 114 27 9
1104 Does he really think hiring magicians is going to make the whole Russia thing disappear? 1.3000 0.04558 170 131 27 12
1105 And now you will witness my vote magically disappear. 1.3000 0.04159 170 126 37 7
1106 And now, my subpoena into confetti trick. 1.3000 0.04504 160 121 30 9
1107 If it's not a rabbit that comes out of the bottom, run like hell. 1.3000 0.05139 140 109 20 11
1108 My mother was right. Big wand small hands. 1.3000 0.04416 160 120 32 8
1109 They'll never suspect, if I just make it part of the act! 1.3000 0.04504 160 121 30 9
1110 And for this trick, I will amend my tax return. 1.3000 0.04152 190 144 35 11
1111 Thank you, Miss Jones. This is the perfect cover for obstruction of justice! 1.2995 0.03838 187 137 44 6
1112 Ipso Facto, Shreddo 1.2994 0.04502 177 137 27 13
1113 And just like that the notes from the Trump Putin meeting disappear 1.2994 0.04455 167 127 30 10
1114 For my next trick, I will make a shredder not jam. 1.2994 0.04614 167 129 26 12
1115 And now watch as I magically make this evidence disappear. 1.2994 0.04206 167 124 36 7
1116 You haven't been replaced, okay. I'll saw you in half later. 1.2994 0.04536 167 128 28 11
1117 Observe how I make this ballot magically disappear! 1.2994 0.04377 157 117 33 7
1118 'Abraconomics!' I wave my corporate wand, and now there is no pension. 1.2994 0.04649 157 120 27 10
1119 And for my next trick, I'll show you the simple art of taking back the district 1.2994 0.04560 157 119 29 9
1120 And on the third tap, this shredded document will mysteriously reappear in the Cayman Islands! 1.2994 0.03987 157 113 41 3
1121 I learned this next trick from legendary illusionist Arthur Andersen. 1.2993 0.04770 147 112 26 9
1122 When I say the magic words, the IRS will have no memory of your tax return. 1.2988 0.04509 164 125 29 10
1123 SEE I FIXED IT 1.2988 0.04672 164 127 25 12
1124 And, abracadabra, to the special counsel's delight, shredded documents magically reappear. 1.2988 0.04509 164 125 29 10
1125 Even I can't make Trump's words disappear. 1.2988 0.04752 164 128 23 13
1126 Presto! I will no longer go to prison for fraud! 1.2988 0.04164 164 121 37 6
1127 Gina, trust me. America’s Got Talent will eat this up. 1.2987 0.04526 154 116 30 8
1128 O' K' Ivanka, tell your dad not to worry about a thing. 1.2987 0.04526 154 116 30 8
1129 Abra Ca Dabra: There goes the Mueller report! 1.2986 0.04836 144 110 25 9
1130 ... And the Harassment Clause of my assistant's contract... 1.2984 0.04199 191 146 33 12
1131 For my next trick I'm going to find an assistant who knows how to work a printer. 1.2983 0.04215 181 137 34 10
1132 "For my next trick... Donna, where are your pants?" 1.2983 0.04142 181 136 36 9
1133 And now I will make this ordinary piece of evidence disappear. 1.2983 0.04287 181 138 32 11
1134 If Nixon had done this with his tapes, he'd still be president 1.2983 0.04067 181 135 38 8
1135 And now, with a wave of my wand, I will now make a work of art by Banksy. 1.2982 0.04610 171 133 25 13
1136 It's our new voting system. The outcome is a miracle. 1.2982 0.04535 171 132 27 12
1137 And then you just shred your dignity like so... 1.2982 0.04381 171 130 31 10
1138 And now the final step in assuring that this can never be traced back to individual # 1! 1.2982 0.04535 171 132 27 12
1139 Anyone know how to fix a paper jam? 1.2982 0.04221 171 128 35 8
1140 And now--we shall make fraud and misrepresentation litigation disappear. 1.2982 0.04221 171 128 35 8
1141 Now watch as the IRS makes my debt reappear 1.2981 0.04894 161 127 20 14
1142 This new voting machine is real sharp. It even recycles. 1.2981 0.04650 161 124 26 11
1143 Now watch as my Yelp reviews disappear 1.2981 0.04894 161 127 20 14
1144 And for my next trick - I make a felony disappear. 1.2979 0.05205 141 111 18 12
1145 Voilà...presidential tax returns! 1.2976 0.04184 168 125 36 7
1146 Crank it up a notch. I gotta get rid of this warrant before intermission ends. 1.2976 0.04512 168 129 28 11
1147 The President doesn't care how I make the Mueller report disappear! 1.2976 0.04432 168 128 30 10
1148 And I say the magic word - BANKSY!!!!!!!! 1.2975 0.04535 158 120 29 9
1149 For my next trick I will make my collusions with Russia Disappear!! 1.2973 0.04742 148 113 26 9
1150 Voila! What once was shredded is now...evidence. 1.2973 0.04742 148 113 26 9
1151 And that, my friends, is how you make evidence disappear. 1.2973 0.04544 148 111 30 7
1152 My next trick is debt-defying. 1.2971 0.04309 175 133 32 10
1153 Yes, the rabbit does live in there and this is how he gets fresh bedding. 1.2971 0.04385 175 134 30 11
1154 This may not produce a rabbit, but it could make our legal problems disappear.... 1.2971 0.04233 175 132 34 9
1155 Ladies and Gentlemen, this "tax evasion" number is literally cutting-edge 1.2971 0.04869 138 105 25 8
1156 Giuliani defends Trump: "...and abracadabra, not a shred of evidence here!" 1.2970 0.04318 165 124 33 8
1157 For my next trick, I will make an official ballot disappear. 1.2970 0.04231 165 123 35 7
1158 I learned this ballot box trick from comrade Putin. 1.2970 0.04486 165 126 29 10
1159 No! Banksy stole this trick from me! 1.2970 0.04567 165 127 27 11
1160 Watch very closely as I make the President’s tax return disappear. 1.2968 0.04593 155 118 28 9
1161 okay, this time will try it with paper and if it works, we'll use the rabbit again 1.2968 0.04859 155 121 22 12
1162 And the Federal debt seems to disappear... 1.2967 0.04122 182 137 36 9
1163 For my next trick, I will make whole the shredded IRS returns of the President. 1.2966 0.04906 145 112 23 10
1164 Ladies and gentlemen, the power of magic is about to reveal the President's complete tax return. 1.2965 0.04280 172 130 33 9
1165 I will now make this cartoon caption entry disappear. 1.2965 0.04035 172 127 39 6
1166 Now, I chant the magic word Vladimir three times and presto, change, those notes are from a meeting that never even happened. 1.2965 0.04512 172 133 27 12
1167 ...and now for my final act... an original Banksy 1.2963 0.04541 162 124 28 10
1168 For my next trick, I will plead the fifth before Congress. 1.2963 0.04624 162 125 26 11
1169 AbracaBansky 1.2963 0.04369 162 122 32 8
1170 A magician never reveals his secrets... or his sensitive account information. 1.2963 0.04369 162 122 32 8
1171 Now watch as I make this piece of damning evidence magically disappear! 1.2963 0.04541 162 124 28 10
1172 I learned this trick from Banksy. 1.2961 0.04925 152 119 21 12
1173 Voila! Coleslaw. 1.2959 0.04329 169 128 32 9
1174 I will now make my tax liabilities disappear... 1.2959 0.04329 169 128 32 9
1175 I take these confidential papers, say the magic words, ‘reductio ad absurdum’, and it’s like nothing ever happened. 1.2959 0.04643 169 132 24 13
1176 And that ladies and gentleman is how you make tax returns disappear. 1.2956 0.04598 159 122 27 10
1177 I will now make Russian Collusion disappear. 1.2955 0.04581 176 138 24 14
1178 Going, going Banksy. 1.2955 0.04288 176 134 32 10
1179 And the Banksy is now magically reassembled! 1.2955 0.04651 176 139 22 15
1180 And now I will magically shred this evidence for Mr. Trump. 1.2953 0.04351 193 151 27 15
1181 Jeff your not a magician and we still have to pay the bill! 1.2953 0.05084 149 118 18 13
1182 Oi vey! It's whole again! 1.2952 0.04210 166 124 35 7
1183 Taxes done, now to run for President 1.2952 0.04380 166 126 31 9
1184 And Voila, the indictment goes away! 1.2952 0.04380 166 126 31 9
1185 Thank you madam for your federal-employment contract; let's put it through this and we'll see what happens... 1.2952 0.04380 166 126 31 9
1186 Prototype Magic Ballot Box (TM) for 2020 Trump supporters. 1.2951 0.04103 183 138 36 9
1187 If this works, the original Bill of Rights should come out of my hat. 1.2951 0.04175 183 139 34 10
1188 Presto-Chango....Now...into the Electoral College counter.... 1.2949 0.04745 156 121 24 11
1189 I assure you! This is NOT a trick! 1.2948 0.04337 173 132 31 10
1190 And just like that the interpreter’s notes disappear. For the interpreter, we’ll need a wood chipper. 1.2948 0.04563 173 135 25 13
1191 And for my next act, I'll do my taxes without receipts. 1.2945 0.04876 146 113 23 10
1192 ....then....from this shredded tax return...voila! A presidency! 1.2945 0.04681 163 127 24 12
1193 It’s magic! Hillary’s missing emails have reappeared! 1.2945 0.04432 163 124 30 9
1194 And for my next trick, Mr. President, I'll turn proof of collusion into pretty confetti! 1.2945 0.04346 163 123 32 8
1195 No deductions up my sleeve. 1.2945 0.04258 163 122 34 7
1196 ... And after our vote gets processed by the E-Voter2016 machine,it gets sent to the electoral college. 1.2945 0.04600 163 126 26 11
1197 I used a white rabbit before PETA got wind of it. 1.2945 0.04600 163 126 26 11
1198 Notice my hand never leaves the mail fraud evidence. 1.2944 0.04071 180 135 37 8
1199 And now I will feed this ordinary page of translater’s notes into the shredder..... 1.2944 0.04146 180 136 35 9
1200 Yes, it's your resume. Or did you change your mind about the sword box? 1.2941 0.04307 170 129 32 9
1201 Presidential interpreter 1.2941 0.04436 153 115 31 7
1202 Do you remember the trick to unjamming these? 1.2941 0.04135 153 112 37 4
1203 And now I present to you, the results of the presidential election. 1.2941 0.05231 136 107 18 11
1204 And with a waiver of my wand, your vote disappears! 1.2941 0.04307 170 129 32 9
1205 The real magic is making your student loan debt disappear! 1.2941 0.03897 187 139 41 7
1206 And now, for my old "Shred of Evidence Trick"! 1.2938 0.04415 177 137 28 12
1207 Now presenting... How to Cut Your Bills in Half! 1.2934 0.04599 167 130 25 12
1208 And the Oscar goes too... 1.2931 0.04466 174 135 27 12
1209 Now watch closely as I make my student loans disappear. 1.2930 0.04167 157 116 36 5
1210 Buck up, Lisa. We're performing for the President this weekend. 1.2928 0.04127 181 137 35 9
1211 I call this the Banksy. 1.2928 0.04200 181 138 33 10
1212 For my next trick, I will make the Russian Interpreter's notes disappear! 1.2928 0.04052 181 136 37 8
1213 and NOW.......The missing POTUS Tax Return!! 1.2928 0.04414 181 141 27 13
1214 Presto! Chango! Subpoena Disappearo! 1.2928 0.04127 181 137 35 9
1215 I will put my ballot into the ballot box, wave my magic wand, and undo the results of the last presidential election. 1.2927 0.04235 164 123 34 7
1216 And that, Mr Trump, is why I, the Magnificent Magoo, should be your lawyer! 1.2927 0.04575 164 127 26 11
1217 What is it about a shredder that makes me feel like a magician? 1.2927 0.04408 164 125 30 9
1218 I now invite Mr. Mueller to come to the stage. 1.2926 0.04093 188 143 35 10
1219 Watch carefully, Ladies and Gentlemen. Later in the show I shall use my magic wand to reconstitute this absentee ballot. 1.2924 0.04285 171 130 32 9
1220 Behold, ladies and gentlemen, as I make this vote miraculously disappear. 1.2924 0.04365 171 131 30 10
1221 I am a magician, not a freaking accountant. 1.2922 0.04600 154 118 27 9
1222 For my next act I will be getting the IRS off my back 1.2922 0.04411 154 116 31 7
1223 This is the Constitution. Wish me luck... 1.2921 0.04094 178 134 36 8
1224 As promised in my confirmation hearing, here is the Meuller Report. 1.2919 0.04462 161 123 29 9
1225 Watch the paper disappear and then reappear as a shredded rabbit. 1.2919 0.04632 161 125 25 11
1226 No matter. It was mostly in Russian anyway. 1.2919 0.04632 161 125 25 11
1227 I don’t think magic will work dear... It has to be a Banksy for it to double in value when you shred. 1.2919 0.04065 185 140 36 9
1228 I call my next trick The Amazing Bladen County Ballot Box. 1.2917 0.04652 168 132 23 13
1229 Watch, as I make my assistant's sexual harassment complaint magically disappear! 1.2917 0.04574 168 131 25 12
1230 The spirit of Houdini tells me the rabbit is in dire need of new bedding 1.2914 0.04058 175 131 37 7
1231 Trust me, it's a lot more impressive with a rabbit. 1.2914 0.04370 175 135 29 11
1232 And now please observe me destroying the contract in which it states that I will appear to saw Lydia’s body in half in a way that is objectifying and demeaning. 1.2914 0.04660 151 116 26 9
1233 And presto, the fraud case against me disappears! 1.2914 0.04366 151 113 32 6
1234 I do not think inserting a piece of paper in a shredder is the warm-up I want you doing before you saw me in half. 1.2911 0.04517 158 121 28 9
1235 I thought for the trial run, we'd just use paper. 1.2911 0.04517 158 121 28 9
1236 Now I reverse the shredder, and, presto, out comes a perfect copy of President Trump's translator's notes from his Helsinki meeting with Vladimir Putin! 1.2911 0.04605 158 122 26 10
1237 Here is the "disappearing Mueller Report" trick that the Republican members of my audience love. 1.2910 0.04005 189 143 37 9
1238 Once again the Russians have interfered , this was supposed to be a rabbit 1.2910 0.04342 189 148 27 14
1239 and now I will make the evidence disappear! 1.2909 0.04300 165 125 32 8
1240 This trick seems to work much better with paper than it does with birds. 1.2909 0.04469 165 127 28 10
1241 The real illusion will be convincing the board that we didn't actually do this. 1.2909 0.04385 165 126 30 9
1242 And now I will demonstrate how to make a ballot disappear! 1.2909 0.04469 165 127 28 10
1243 I'll now transform my assistant's harassment suit into a dove. 1.2909 0.04551 165 128 26 11
1244 Thank you, translator. That's all I need. 1.2909 0.04631 165 129 24 12
1245 And at the count of three, no more incriminating evidence. 1.2909 0.04213 165 124 34 7
1246 And for my next collusion, watch as I make the allegations disappear 1.2908 0.05087 141 111 19 11
1247 ...and here we will shred the interpreter's notes from Helsinki 1.2907 0.04496 172 134 26 12
1248 And for all you youngins out there, before the delete button, we had something more reliable.” 1.2907 0.04343 172 132 30 10
1249 As Attorney General, my next trick is to make these translator's notes disappear. 1.2907 0.04496 172 134 26 12
1250 The new attorney general makes a show of reading Robert Mueller’s report at a White House party. 1.2905 0.04722 148 114 25 9
1251 And with a swish of my wand, I will clear the jam! 1.2905 0.04722 148 114 25 9
1252 This trick worked for Banksy! 1.2905 0.04151 179 136 34 9
1253 For my final act, I will make my prenuptial agreement disappear. 1.2905 0.04074 179 135 36 8
1254 Abraca....dagnabit! I actually needed that. 1.2903 0.04191 155 115 35 5
1255 Folks this thing is not even plugged in! 1.2903 0.04387 155 117 31 7
1256 Insert here and voila! No more Constitution. 1.2903 0.04481 155 118 29 8
1257 Miss McGyver, I believe your thumb has jammed the mechanism. 1.2903 0.04665 155 120 25 10
1258 ...for my next trick, these teeny, tiny hands will pull a great big beautiful wall out of my hat! 1.2899 0.05060 138 108 20 10
1259 That was the death certificate for the other girl. 1.2898 0.04422 176 137 27 12
1260 And this ladies and gentlemen is the magic of the KonMari method. 1.2898 0.04272 176 135 31 10
1261 Watch as I make the president's tax returns disappear. 1.2898 0.04272 176 135 31 10
1262 And now, I will make your vote disappear. 1.2898 0.04118 176 133 35 8
1263 I hear there is an even better magician named Bob Mueller who will make the evidence reappear. 1.2898 0.04038 176 132 37 7
1264 Now watch as I make the photos that my wife had of you and me disappear! 1.2898 0.03957 176 131 39 6
1265 Watch carefully, I will bring back the Trump-Putin Meetings Notes. 1.2897 0.04982 145 114 20 11
1266 My genius “ magician “ believes there’s only one copy of our prenup . 1.2897 0.04786 145 112 24 9
1267 Presto! And the Mueller report disappears. 1.2895 0.04240 152 113 34 5
1268 Now observe as I magically transform this restraining order into harmless confetti! 1.2893 0.04666 159 124 24 11
1269 Muller will never find it here 1.2892 0.04362 166 127 30 9
1270 Watch closely folks, here's a trick that blew their minds in the Oval Office! 1.2892 0.04362 166 127 30 9
1271 Before your very eyes, a presidential address becomes an anthology of tweets. 1.2892 0.04191 166 125 34 7
1272 And now, Ladies and Gentlemen, performing for the first time in public, I give you The Great Banksy...!!! 1.2890 0.04398 173 134 28 11
1273 This is your ballot; this is a ballot box. 1.2890 0.04162 173 131 34 8
1274 For my next trick, watch me make President Trump's subpoena disappear. 1.2890 0.03997 173 129 38 6
1275 Data! 1.2889 0.05028 135 105 21 9
1276 For my next trick I will make your job disappear. 1.2886 0.04790 149 116 23 10
1277 This will shred any doubt that I'm a true magician. 1.2885 0.04727 156 122 23 11
1278 Voila! The president’s Putin notes disappear! 1.2883 0.04239 163 123 33 7
1279 And, the Trump Tax Returns look like ... 1.2882 0.04290 170 130 31 9
1280 As my mother always said, why hire an accountant when you’ve got MAGIC! 1.2882 0.04290 170 130 31 9
1281 And presto! All your hopes and dreams are gone. 1.2882 0.04208 170 129 33 8
1282 Yes, this is how 50 Shades of Grey ends. For good. 1.2881 0.04175 177 135 33 9
1283 With a quick 'abracadabra' the U.S. Constitution is 'Trumped'. 1.2880 0.04141 184 141 33 10
1284 And my next trick will be avoiding an indictment. 1.2880 0.03843 184 137 41 6
1285 And here's the page that keeps Social Security running for another 150 years. 1.2877 0.04657 146 112 26 8
1286 A magician never reveals his secrets. 1.2875 0.04640 160 125 24 11
1287 There! Magically, one vote is now thirty minority votes. 1.2874 0.04582 167 131 24 12
1288 Miss Shimansky was beginning to have doubts about the interview process for administrative assistant. 1.2874 0.04582 167 131 24 12
1289 Watch in wonder as I make a letter from my ex-wife’s attorneys disappear. 1.2874 0.04082 167 125 36 6
1290 Abraca - PAPER JAM! 1.2874 0.04339 167 128 30 9
1291 I call this trick "the subpoena solution". 1.2874 0.04339 167 128 30 9
1292 I learned this banking trick during the Great Recession. 1.2873 0.04258 181 140 30 11
1293 Watch as I attempt to cut the evidence against me in half. 1.2873 0.04537 181 144 22 15
1294 Who really reads instructions? 1.2873 0.04111 181 138 34 9
1295 President Trump's brand new Attorney General, making his very first appearance, along with the U.S. Constitution -- its very last. 1.2867 0.04824 143 111 23 9
1296 And for my next trick, watch me unshread wheat! 1.2867 0.04667 150 116 25 9
1297 Uh oh, we may have found Trump’s long lost tax return! 1.2866 0.04432 157 120 29 8
1298 I’ll keep the return here, for safe keeping 1.2866 0.04786 157 124 21 12
1299 The magic part is when I make this credit score disappear from Google. 1.2866 0.04612 157 122 25 10
1300 Fleer-o, schmeer-o, criminal record disappear-o! 1.2866 0.04035 164 122 37 5
1301 ... and there goes your vote. 1.2866 0.04475 164 127 27 10
1302 And now let's see what news the toaster of fate will bring us. 1.2865 0.04104 171 129 35 7
1303 Shut down or no shut down, we still have to shred. 1.2865 0.04268 171 131 31 9
1304 Now watch as I file my tax return. 1.2865 0.04450 178 140 25 13
1305 Now watch carefully as the incriminating document miraculously disappears! 1.2865 0.04078 178 135 35 8
1306 Et voila, hanging chads! 1.2865 0.04155 178 136 33 9
1307 Watch as I make my assistant's sexual harassment claim disappear right before her eyes! 1.2857 0.04530 161 125 26 10
1308 And it will re-appear as Trump’s tax turns! 1.2857 0.04558 168 132 24 12
1309 Only 32,999 left to go. 1.2857 0.04399 168 130 28 10
1310 Alice will now take this backstage to Mueller the Magical Mender. 1.2857 0.04528 147 112 28 7
1311 For my next trick I will make this Cartoon Caption Contest submission DISAPPEAR! 1.2857 0.04530 161 125 26 10
1312 For my next trick I'll need an omelet. 1.2857 0.04698 161 127 22 12
1313 And voilà — my embarrassing high school poetry disappears. 1.2857 0.04193 154 115 34 5
1314 Watch as this environmental regulation disappears! 1.2857 0.04129 189 146 32 11
1315 And my next trick is to make this document reappear as a fully assembled skirt for you. 1.2857 0.04354 175 136 28 11
1316 Now, before we shred my lovely assistant Susan, I'll just prove that it's a real, working paper shredder . . . 1.2857 0.04355 161 123 30 8
1317 Ev'ry vote Counts! 1.2857 0.04354 175 136 28 11
1318 My next trick will be how you change the results of an election. 1.2849 0.04172 186 144 31 11
1319 After I say a few magic words, President Trump's complete IRS 1040 Tax Return will appear. 1.2849 0.04135 179 137 33 9
1320 My final trick: tax evasion. Now the IRS sees it, now they don't. 1.2849 0.04247 172 132 31 9
1321 And now for the famous Banksy trick. 1.2849 0.04774 172 139 17 16
1322 A simple wave of the wand, slight of hand and PRESTO... No collusion! 1.2849 0.04247 172 132 31 9
1323 And when this is reassembled, my assistant will read the winning caption. 1.2848 0.04614 165 130 23 12
1324 Pay attention, folks. This is a Florida ballot box...watch my vote disappear. 1.2848 0.04533 165 129 25 11
1325 On the count of three, your credit rating will emerge intact! 1.2848 0.04282 165 126 31 8
1326 And this is one I like to call the "Enron" 1.2848 0.04195 165 125 33 7
1327 Abra Cadabra, the President's unshredded tax return! 1.2848 0.04498 158 122 27 9
1328 And now for the greatest trick of all...I call it the Banksy... 1.2848 0.04587 158 123 25 10
1329 And now, Ladies and Gentlemen, my final act! Watch closely as I turn Robert Mueller’s report on Russian collusion into thousands of tiny bunnies! 1.2848 0.04843 158 126 19 13
1330 Ta da! First my novel, next my confidence. 1.2848 0.04315 158 120 31 7
1331 And shazam! There goes the evidence. 1.2847 0.04510 137 103 29 5
1332 And that, Ladies and Gentlemen, is the magic behind Shredded Tweet. 1.2842 0.04145 183 141 32 10
1333 Banksy's shocking side hustle 1.2841 0.04622 176 141 20 15
1334 And now I distract my wife with meaningless patter as I slip our Pre-nup into this Magic Box... 1.2840 0.03863 169 125 40 4
1335 A rabbit out of a hat is so last millennium. 1.2840 0.04127 169 128 34 7
1336 This trick used to be better but I couldn't afford the doves. 1.2840 0.04456 169 132 26 11
1337 And now we will make the government shutdown appear as if the workers are happy to work without pay. 1.2840 0.04590 162 127 24 11
1338 And now for my impersonation of a southern voter . . . . 1.2840 0.04332 162 124 30 8
1339 Anyone else have a bill you want to see disappear? 1.2839 0.04366 155 118 30 7
1340 And with a tap of my wand the Rabbit's vet bill will disappear! 1.2839 0.04554 155 120 26 9
1341 The executives at the corporate retreat were both frightened and amazed at the magician's ability to unshred the Q4 earnings report 1.2837 0.04861 141 110 22 9
1342 First, I shall shred my assistant’s contract. Then I will use hypnosis to convince her she’s a volunteer. 1.2833 0.04406 180 142 25 13
1343 And with this trick, I reveal the magic at the heart of the Enron scandal. 1.2833 0.03882 180 135 39 6
1344 And now, with a little wave of my wand and the assistance of lovely Myrna, I make your lawsuit disappear! 1.2832 0.04304 173 134 29 10
1345 Hold on, that looks like the pre-nup.... 1.2832 0.04381 173 135 27 11
1346 And yes here it is, we are reversing the President's tax returns from the shreds we found earlier. 1.2832 0.04225 173 133 31 9
1347 This isn’t a trick, I’m just celebrating my PHD loans being paid off. 1.2832 0.04225 173 133 31 9
1348 Hopefully this trick will turn out better than the time I tried it with a dove. 1.2831 0.04259 166 127 31 8
1349 Voila! Here is the disappearance of Donald Trump's tax return. 1.2830 0.04473 159 123 27 9
1350 You're next Debbie. Feet or headfirst? 1.2830 0.04561 159 124 25 10
1351 We will magically make this vote disappear. 1.2830 0.04732 159 126 21 12
1352 Presto!!! Pasta!!! 1.2830 0.04561 159 124 25 10
1353 And another 'vote' for Stacey Abrams 1.2829 0.04517 152 117 27 8
1354 Hold on, ladies and gentlemen. I have here a subpoena for someone in Row 2, Seat No. 356. 1.2829 0.04517 152 117 27 8
1355 My assistant is holding an ordinary box, just an ordinary box. 1.2829 0.04218 152 114 33 5
1356 For my next trick, I'm going to make this Banksy painting worth millions, oh, I forgot to sell it first 1.2829 0.04706 152 119 23 10
1357 And now, ladies and gentlemen, watch as Trump’s tax returns disappear right before your very eyes! 1.2828 0.04663 145 112 25 8
1358 Who wants to aid and abet the next trick. 1.2827 0.03589 191 141 46 4
1359 So much for your much-vaunted Constitution! 1.2826 0.03979 184 140 36 8
1360 The vote is now toast. 1.2825 0.04310 177 138 28 11
1361 ‘And this is how we make your vote disappear’ 1.2825 0.04159 177 136 32 9
1362 Behold -missing ballots from the election. 1.2825 0.04310 177 138 28 11
1363 Every vote counts. Except those for the other candidate. 1.2824 0.04106 170 129 34 7
1364 Perfect! Now there's barely a shred of evidence I cut your sister in half. 1.2824 0.04433 170 133 26 11
1365 Waldo the Great performs at the Home for the Technically Challenged....where paper shredding is considered one of the Black Arts. 1.2824 0.04190 170 130 32 8
1366 For this next trick, I’ll need a racketeer. 1.2822 0.04565 163 128 24 11
1367 And just like that my subpoena disappears.” 1.2822 0.04481 163 127 26 10
1368 We can't use my hat because there is a rabbit in it. 1.2821 0.04147 156 117 34 5
1369 And the Democratic nominee is........ 1.2821 0.04246 156 118 32 6
1370 Voter suppression magic 1.2821 0.04708 156 123 22 11
1371 I assure you, your petition is transmitted directly to the base station in the Oval Office 1.2821 0.04286 195 155 25 15
1372 This will prove that there is not a shred of evidence this wand actually works . 1.2821 0.04436 156 120 28 8
1373 Remember: if the SEC asks, I can never reveal my tricks." 1.2821 0.03898 195 149 37 9
1374 And now, behold, Article I, Section 9, Clause 8 of the United States Constitution, will disappear before your very eyes... 1.2819 0.04673 149 116 24 9
1375 Observe, your last check following the government shutdown! 1.2819 0.04575 149 115 26 8
1376 The effect is better with a toaster. 1.2819 0.04373 149 113 30 6
1377 Maybe old school with a rabbit and hat was actually better. 1.2816 0.03875 174 130 39 5
1378 And for my last trick, I will make paper filing irrelevant. 1.2816 0.04359 174 136 27 11
1379 Trump asked me to make his tax returns disappear. 1.2816 0.04582 174 139 21 14
1380 Evidence disappears — like magic! 1.2816 0.04204 174 134 31 9
1381 DACA: Now you see it, Now you don't! 1.2816 0.04124 174 133 33 8
1382 And now, I will make the pre-nup dissappear! 1.2816 0.04204 174 134 31 9
1383 Magically sawing ladies in two is so 20th century. 1.2814 0.04485 167 131 25 11
1384 Watch as I make this letter from my father questioning my career choices disappear. 1.2814 0.04063 167 126 35 6
1385 And before your very eyes, I'll make it reappear from the cloud. 1.2812 0.04359 160 123 29 8
1386 Behold the Captionator! In goes a brutal cartoon caption and out comes a hilar—, no, still brutal. 1.2810 0.04586 153 119 25 9
1387 For my next trick, I'll need an email server... 1.2810 0.04770 153 121 21 11
1388 And magically, your non-disclosure agreement appears whole from the shredder. Is this your signature? 1.2809 0.04061 178 136 34 8
1389 Next we put the Interpreter's notes right in here.... 1.2808 0.04736 146 114 23 9
1390 And watch as the subpoena magically goes away. 1.2807 0.04410 171 134 26 11
1391 For my next trick, I’ll be making the president’s tax returns disappear! Don’t look so so scared, Ivanka! Michael Cohen told me to do it! 1.2805 0.04197 164 125 32 7
1392 And now watch as I convert lovely Linda's full time employment into contract labor. 1.2805 0.04015 164 123 36 5
1393 Need help winning an election? This magic voting machine shreds ballots you oppose and counts your favorites! 1.2805 0.04540 164 129 24 11
1394 And the Oscar for best picture goes to, “oops daisy” ! 1.2803 0.04412 157 121 28 8
1395 The real magic: a working printer! 1.2803 0.04318 157 120 30 7
1396 And now we present—the cheapest alternative to divorce lawyers. 1.2803 0.04503 157 122 26 9
1397 Voilà! The presidential documents are restored unshredded. 1.2800 0.04412 175 138 25 12
1398 Now I will make this lawsuit from the family of my last assistant disappear. 1.2800 0.04347 150 114 30 6
1399 And our next president is... 1.2798 0.03849 193 147 38 8
1400 I shall now shred the directions for sawing my partner in half and do the trick from memory! 1.2798 0.03953 168 126 37 5
1401 Watch me pull an email out of a shredder! 1.2798 0.04299 168 130 29 9
1402 This is the GOP's new ONE STOP voting trick. 1.2798 0.04381 168 131 27 10
1403 My attorney tells me it will take some real magic for these charges not to stick. 1.2798 0.04381 168 131 27 10
1404 Its all in the wand 1.2796 0.04086 186 144 32 10
1405 Watch as I make my carbon footprint disappear! 1.2793 0.04118 179 138 32 9
1406 For my next illusion, I will make confetti out of this paper.... 1.2792 0.04560 154 120 25 9
1407 And with a wave of my magical wand—the greatest magical wand in the history of the world, I will attempt to make my conversations with Putin disappear with No Collusion!!! 1.2792 0.04370 154 118 29 7
1408 I really don’t think it’s going to come back out again, Doug” 1.2791 0.04065 172 131 34 7
1409 Get the smile back, smile, smile! We need them to think the jam is part of the act. 1.2791 0.04065 172 131 34 7
1410 And for my next trick, watch me make this tax return disappear. 1.2791 0.03981 172 130 36 6
1411 Observe. Collusion. No collusion. 1.2791 0.04148 172 132 32 8
1412 They should know better. Magicians cannot be subpoenaed. 1.2791 0.04309 172 134 28 10
1413 My last trick requires a little bit of presidential inspiration... 1.2791 0.04065 172 131 34 7
1414 Presto ! A full text of the translator's notes from the reverse shredder! 1.2791 0.04387 172 135 26 11
1415 And now, the transcripts of my conversation with Putin will disappear. 1.2789 0.04608 147 114 25 8
1416 The obvious question is why I just don’t make it disappear, right? 1.2788 0.04263 165 127 30 8
1417 I did this trick with the government some time ago. 1.2788 0.04263 165 127 30 8
1418 I will now make my tax return disappear just like magic! 1.2788 0.03994 165 124 36 5
1419 I am taking a thousand pieces of shredded paper and turning it back into a—what do you mean there’s no reverse button!” 1.2787 0.03981 183 140 35 8
1420 Keep your eyes on the marriage certificate, and...presto estrange-o! 1.2785 0.04655 158 125 22 11
1421 And now presenting the Great Redacto 1.2785 0.04102 158 119 34 5
1422 I will now attempt to make the president disappear. 1.2784 0.04315 176 138 27 11
1423 As our President might say, this memo is toast. 1.2784 0.04315 176 138 27 11
1424 Now, watch me turn this Shredded Tweet into a bowl of Special Kounsel 1.2784 0.04162 176 136 31 9
1425 Oh darn That was my grocery list! 1.2781 0.04358 169 132 27 10
1426 Watch me make this incriminating evidence disappear!!! 1.2778 0.04312 162 125 29 8
1427 Now, get the blender. 1.2778 0.04131 162 123 33 6
1428 Hmmm and now I make disappear my Putin notes. 1.2778 0.04571 162 128 23 11
1429 Now I'll place my campaign pledges in here... 1.2778 0.04312 162 125 29 8
1430 And now I file the notes from the translator. 1.2778 0.04654 162 129 21 12
1431 My attorney insisted I not rely on abracadabra. 1.2778 0.04131 162 123 33 6
1432 Auditions for a new White House Russian translator were surprisingly competitive. 1.2778 0.04487 162 127 25 10
1433 Just put the speech in like so, and, Hey Presto! Out comes Donald's words! 1.2778 0.04665 180 147 16 17
1434 And suddenly, Ladies and Gentlemen, right be fore your very eyes, everything Mr. Rudy Giuliani has been saying for the last two years comes true: there is no proof of collusion! 1.2775 0.03875 173 130 38 5
1435 Abracadabra is so eighties, ma'am; it's 'Brexit, Smexit' nowadays. 1.2775 0.03875 173 130 38 5
1436 Pulling a rabbit out of the hat just wasn’t cutting it anymore 1.2774 0.04345 155 119 29 7
1437 Trump thought he had shredded his instructions from Putin--but voila! 1.2774 0.04715 155 123 21 11
1438 Voila! No jam! 1.2772 0.04037 184 142 33 9
1439 It's for the rabbit coop. 1.2772 0.04321 184 146 25 13
1440 Told you I could make your paycheck disappear. 1.2771 0.04491 166 131 24 11
1441 Now watch as I make this subpoena disappear 1.2771 0.04241 166 128 30 8
1442 Let's warm it up before we bring on the rabbit. 1.2771 0.04154 166 127 32 7
1443 Behold, as I pull from my magic reverse shredder the tax returns of…of…oh my goodness would you look at that? 1.2771 0.04409 166 130 26 10
1444 This time, we'll skip the rabbit 1.2771 0.04241 166 128 30 8
1445 Now watch our Democracy disappear. 1.2771 0.04572 166 132 22 12
1446 Abracadabra! Your transcripts from the Trump/Putin meeting will now vanish forever 1.2771 0.04409 166 130 26 10
1447 When the wrong people vote---that's when the magic starts! 1.2770 0.04680 148 116 23 9
1448 Lady’s & Gentleman; At No time will you see this Sexual harassment complaint leave my hand 1.2769 0.03883 195 150 36 9
1449 And voilà! By shredding this last document, I've completely deleted my Facebook account! 1.2768 0.04218 177 138 29 10
1450 And now, I’ll make that complaint you made against me to HR disappear. 1.2768 0.03902 177 134 37 6
1451 ...and viola! Kellyanne, your worries have disappeared! 1.2767 0.04177 159 121 32 6
1452 This is how you make voting rights disappear! 1.2767 0.04714 159 127 20 12
1453 Abracadabra shred this presidency! 1.2766 0.05044 141 113 17 11
1454 The paper shreds and presto, a three-toed sloth rises from my jacket pocket. 1.2765 0.04415 170 134 25 11
1455 Observe how the paper is restored as I pull it out of the machine! 1.2765 0.04255 170 132 29 9
1456 Thank you Mrs. Clinton! 1.2763 0.04592 152 119 24 9
1457 I learned this from the Clintons. 1.2763 0.04592 152 119 24 9
1458 For this next act, I’d like to introduce my lovely assistant and part-time paralegal, Diane. 1.2762 0.03512 181 133 46 2
1459 Leave it to James to make a big show of the divorce. This is precisely why she had left him in the first place. The rabbits in the bath tub were also part of it. 1.2761 0.04629 163 130 21 12
1460 And for my next trick, I will protect my personal data. 1.2761 0.04376 163 127 27 9
1461 Abracadabra, there goes my art history degree ... 1.2761 0.04200 163 125 31 7
1462 Finally, I’ll wave my wand... and presto! The dinner invitation from the Johnson’s has magically disappeared! 1.2759 0.04025 174 133 34 7
1463 No, I can't use this trick on your student loans. 1.2759 0.04536 145 112 26 7
1464 And for our next trick: how to vanish a failed safety inspection! On an unrelated note, Fluffy the rabbit will not make an appearance in today’s show. 1.2759 0.04493 174 139 22 13
1465 Newly retired, Shirley and Oscar explore ways to spend their time. 1.2757 0.04435 185 149 21 15
1466 And now I will magically turn campaign promises into reality. 1.2754 0.04386 167 131 26 10
1467 Behold as I will now turn myself into a Presidential candidate! 1.2754 0.04218 167 129 30 8
1468 Well, I was thinking of a rabbit but I guess our marriage license works too... 1.2753 0.04346 178 141 25 12
1469 I don't understand, it worked great for Banksy... 1.2753 0.04043 178 137 33 8
1470 I know I know -but it’s my first gig after losing my job as an auditor! 1.2753 0.03883 178 135 37 6
1471 I may need a new rabbit...and a new shredder. 1.2752 0.04453 149 115 27 7
1472 The translator's notes from Helsinki.... Presto! All gone! Never existed! 1.2751 0.03814 189 144 38 7
1473 The office can be a magical place. 1.2751 0.03887 189 145 36 8
1474 Watch and see Mr. Bezos's prenup disappear and miraculously end up in my hat... 1.2750 0.04517 160 126 24 10
1475 and ... PRESTO! Our taxes are done for 2018! 1.2750 0.04339 160 124 28 8
1476 And with a wave of my wand, The Great Splendini makes my lovely assistant’s sexual harassment claim disappear. 1.2750 0.04429 160 125 26 9
1477 Once a Brexit Plan... 1.2749 0.04233 171 133 29 9
1478 ...and voila! All my legal problems disappear. 1.2749 0.03894 171 129 37 5
1479 And here we have the 'Donald' © brand Make-A-Wish machine, and Voila!, problem solved, budget balanced, wall built, and America is great again! 1.2749 0.04470 171 136 23 12
1480 How do you say "abracadabra" in Russian? 1.2747 0.03906 182 139 36 7
1481 I call this "The Disappearing Banksy". 1.2746 0.04373 142 108 29 5
1482 I will now transform this authentic tax document into an audit. 1.2745 0.04565 153 120 24 9
1483 Now you see it, now you don't 1.2745 0.04470 153 119 26 8
1484 Think it's a magic act??? No, it's just Trump "sorting his paper trail." 1.2745 0.04565 153 120 24 9
1485 You should have made these disappear two years ago, Hillary. 1.2745 0.04172 153 116 32 5
1486 As I toast to a crisp this amorous note from my beautiful assistant here, please some applause for my lovely wife, who couldn't be here tonight. 1.2744 0.04266 164 127 29 8
1487 I can't believe people pay me to draw this shit. 1.2744 0.04763 164 133 17 14
1488 Now this parking ticket will become a priceless work of art. 1.2744 0.04353 164 128 27 9
1489 Pitney Bowes, the early years. 1.2744 0.04353 164 128 27 9
1490 There goes your employment contract, my dear... and POOF! You're a freelancer! 1.2744 0.04266 164 127 29 8
1491 And first I will shred the pretty assistant's life insurance contract. 1.2744 0.04522 164 130 23 11
1492 And just like that, there go his tax returns. 1.2744 0.04353 164 128 27 9
1493 The rabbits have called in sick. Apparently they're not convinced by your new disappearing trick. 1.2742 0.03999 186 144 33 9
1494 And when it comes out the other side, Mueller's report will miraculously say every shred of evidence points to collusion! 1.2742 0.04141 186 146 29 11
1495 For my next trick I'm going to need someone from IT. 1.2740 0.04714 146 115 22 9
1496 And presto--my lovely assistant's pre-nup disappears!" 1.2739 0.04297 157 121 29 7
1497 The president and his translator after hours 1.2739 0.04662 157 125 21 11
1498 Miss May and I will now insert the European Union Agreement here, and wave this magic wand, and . . . . 1.2739 0.04483 157 123 25 9
1499 And with no hesitation whatever I consign my IRS audit to the firm hand of my sorceror's apprentice. 1.2738 0.04111 168 129 32 7
1500 Now, we make Mrs. Marvin the Magnificent's prenup disappear. 1.2738 0.04196 168 130 30 8
1501 They only disappear if you say the magic words: "IRS audit". 1.2738 0.04280 168 131 28 9
1502 I will now make the translator’s notes disappear. 1.2737 0.04396 179 143 23 13
1503 Watch while my opponent's votes disappear 1.2737 0.03865 179 136 37 6
1504 I know it's not much, Pam, but at least with this trick I don't risk pulling out a dead rabbit in front of a bunch of six-year-olds again. 1.2737 0.03865 179 136 37 6
1505 And then presto, a whole piece of paper becomes eight pieces of paper! 1.2737 0.04177 179 140 29 10
1506 Abracadabra we are now divorced! 1.2736 0.03926 201 157 33 11
1507 The bunny has mixed feeling about this trick 1.2733 0.04492 161 127 24 10
1508 The Federal Budget, in the style of Banksy 1.2733 0.04225 161 124 30 7
1509 It seemed so easy when Banksy did it. 1.2733 0.04447 172 137 23 12
1510 And voila! The KGB puts it back together. 1.2733 0.04046 172 132 33 7
1511 I will now make the evidence... disappear! 1.2733 0.04130 172 133 31 8
1512 And this is how you make an investigation disappear. 1.2733 0.04743 172 141 15 16
1513 And now to make all allegations of sexually harassing my lovely assistant disappear. 1.2727 0.04148 154 117 32 5
1514 This is the famous "Nixon Trick" soon to be renamed the "Trump Trick!" 1.2727 0.04539 154 121 24 9
1515 Watch as I transform this budding novelist into a magician's assistant! 1.2727 0.04330 165 129 27 9
1516 Voila madame, your prenup has disappeared! 1.2727 0.03985 176 135 34 7
1517 [under his breath] Don't worry, Diane. A magician always files his secrets in triplicate. 1.2727 0.03980 187 145 33 9
1518 We Trumps understand the magic of making our tax returns disappear for good! 1.2723 0.03971 202 159 31 12
1519 A magician never reveals his secrets...or his gluten free muffin recipe. 1.2722 0.04004 180 139 33 8
1520 This should work better than the rabbit. 1.2722 0.04081 180 140 31 9
1521 Disappearius, last-yearius, Tax-returnius 1.2722 0.03846 180 137 37 6
1522 Now, watch me make the translator's notes disappear! 1.2722 0.04156 180 141 29 10
1523 ...I tap the ballot box three times... 1.2722 0.04089 169 130 32 7
1524 And now, presto chango, the first of Hillary’s missing e-mails. 1.2722 0.04175 169 131 30 8
1525 Behold my dignity: now you see it, now you don't. 1.2722 0.04175 169 131 30 8
1526 And voilà, your tax return is on its way to the IRS! 1.2722 0.04635 158 126 21 11
1527 Why campaign? It's easier to get elected this way. 1.2722 0.04806 158 128 17 13
1528 Remember, ladies and gentlemen, as I shred my only copy of my W2, the blank 1040EZ remains locked in a steel case on the other side of the stage! 1.2721 0.04377 147 113 28 6
1529 The rabbit's on furlough. Pulling his contract out instead. 1.2721 0.04836 136 107 21 8
1530 At the count of three, I will turn this single sheet of paper into dozens of little sheets. 1.2721 0.04722 136 106 23 7
1531 Now you see my assistant's non-disclosure agreement—wait a minute!" 1.2717 0.03869 184 141 36 7
1532 If shredding evidence isn't Magic, I don't know what is. 1.2717 0.03942 173 132 35 6
1533 The real magic will be the massive corporate bonus I earn for disappearing the evidence. 1.2717 0.04424 173 138 23 12
1534 I want to be known for really tearing it up on stage. 1.2717 0.04109 173 134 31 8
1535 For my next trick, I will disappear all record of my contact with the Russians. 1.2716 0.04467 162 128 24 10
1536 And, for our finale, we’ll scrub a computer hard drive. 1.2716 0.04292 162 126 28 8
1537 Abracadabra! I will now make the notes from Trump's meeting with Putin disappear. 1.2716 0.04202 162 125 30 7
1538 And, now, for my next trick as your new attorney general, watch as I make these records disappear. 1.2716 0.04292 162 126 28 8
1539 For my final disappearing act: the Constitution. 1.2715 0.04401 151 117 27 7
1540 Sorry that I forgot the table. 1.2714 0.04628 140 109 24 7
1541 And now, for our Bansky fans... 1.2712 0.04351 177 141 24 12
1542 And poof! It’s disappeared. Now for my next act I will pull out a clean set of tax returns out of a hat. Caroline, will you help me please? 1.2712 0.04045 177 137 32 8
1543 Watch as I make Trump's returns disappear! 1.2712 0.04124 177 138 30 9
1544 It is, of course, a standard cross-cutting shredder, producing the confetti from which I will make a bill acceptable to the House, Senate, and Mr Trump 1.2711 0.04134 166 128 31 7
1545 Voila`, the notes from Trump's in interpreter. 1.2711 0.04473 166 132 23 11
1546 Yes, that's my only copy of the Saw-The -Lady-In-Half Trick instructions. 1.2710 0.04225 155 119 30 6
1547 The lesser known brother, Binksy the Magician, never had a very big following. 1.2710 0.04605 155 123 22 10
1548 The Great Giuliani is unsurprised to see,“Tell them anything but the truth, Michael!” reconstitute from shreds. 1.2710 0.04870 155 126 16 13
1549 Before the shutdown, I made the big bucks doing this 1.2710 0.04513 155 122 24 9
1550 And voila! That incriminating letter shredded by your cheating husband is now in perfect condition. 1.2708 0.04850 144 115 19 10
1551 And now......Right before your very eyes.....AG William Barr will make the Muller report DISAPPEAR! 1.2708 0.04540 144 112 25 7
1552 A Trumpian tax audit. The magic is that he hasn't been caught! 1.2707 0.04136 181 142 29 10
1553 See my Congressional Subpoena disappear! 1.2706 0.04153 170 132 30 8
1554 Another vote for Mitt Romney! 1.2706 0.04153 170 132 30 8
1555 I'm glad you agreed to shred the prenup, it was ruining the magic between us. 1.2706 0.04317 170 134 26 10
1556 Banksy is to art as I am to magic! 1.2706 0.04317 170 134 26 10
1557 What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas. 1.2706 0.03894 170 129 36 5
1558 Well, this trick worked for Banksy, so here goes! 1.2706 0.03803 170 128 38 4
1559 And the disappearing student loan winner is... 1.2706 0.04068 170 131 32 7
1560 Abracadabra! It's a Banksy. 1.2704 0.04155 159 122 31 6
1561 Next, I will attempt to join not two, not three, but four sheets of paper together with a stapler! 1.2703 0.04558 148 116 24 8
1562 As I shred this birth certificate, watch our volunteer from the audience vanish. 1.2703 0.04244 148 113 30 5
1563 I call this trick my reverse Banksy. 1.2703 0.04145 185 146 28 11
1564 Behold the magic of corporate law ! 1.2701 0.04401 174 139 23 12
1565 And now to make the Mueller investigation disappear. 1.2698 0.03943 189 147 33 9
1566 And with a tap of his wand, the subpoena disappeared. 1.2697 0.04474 152 119 25 8
1567 For my next deduction . . . 1.2697 0.04180 178 140 28 10
1568 Watch carefully as I make your vote disappear 1.2697 0.04104 178 139 30 9
1569 Here I have the original copy of the United States Constitution. Good night folks - you all have been great! 1.2695 0.04599 141 110 24 7
1570 This is how I made a rabbit disappear before the PETA complaint. 1.2695 0.04488 141 109 26 6
1571 Toaster or shredder. You be the judge. 1.2695 0.04023 167 128 33 6
1572 I know it's no longer politically correct, but this just doesn't have the pizzazz of the old days with the saw. 1.2695 0.04112 167 129 31 7
1573 Behold, as my assistant's benefits disappear before your very eyes! 1.2695 0.04284 167 131 27 9
1574 Into the shredder goes bipartisan compromise. 1.2695 0.04199 167 130 29 8
1575 For my next trick, I will suborn perjury! 1.2692 0.04189 182 144 27 11
1576 Notice my dear, at this point it will take magic to reclaim shredded liberties. 1.2692 0.04668 156 125 20 11
1577 Pay attention as my last shred of dignity disappears. 1.2692 0.04116 182 143 29 10
1578 Well is February now,time to destroy this years resolutions. 1.2692 0.03966 182 141 33 8
1579 I hope you cleaned it after the dove bit the dust. 1.2692 0.03888 182 140 35 7
1580 And for my next trick, I’ll make the President’s tax returns disappear. 1.2692 0.04261 182 145 25 12
1581 Helsinki notes? Absolutely, Mr. President, this baby'll shred even when recharging. 1.2692 0.04394 156 122 26 8
1582 And now from the shredder of the newly appointed Attorney General, the Mueller Report! 1.2690 0.04295 171 135 26 10
1583 And this is the prenuptial agreement with my previous assistant. 1.2690 0.04452 171 137 22 12
1584 Abracadabra! The Never Before Seen, Amazing, Disappearing Presidential Tax Return Trick!! 1.2690 0.04295 171 135 26 10
1585 Carol had once been sawn in half, but even she began to tremble when she mistakenly heard the next trick as, "The shred-her." 1.2690 0.04295 145 111 29 5
1586 with the flick of my stick and swish of my wand my income statement shall forever be gone 1.2688 0.04226 160 124 29 7
1587 Of course, it wouldn't be magic without the tireless work done by my beautiful and undocumented assistant. 1.2688 0.03836 160 120 37 3
1588 And viola! Just like that, I shall make my taxes disapear. 1.2688 0.04226 160 124 29 7
1589 The real trick is how I manage to stay ahead of the IRS. 1.2688 0.04226 160 124 29 7
1590 A true magician always shreds his secrets. 1.2688 0.04226 160 124 29 7
1591 If we can hide the electrical cord. this trick goes up a whole level ! 1.2686 0.03986 175 135 33 7
1592 Do you think they'll be able to tell how I did it? 1.2683 0.04333 164 129 26 9
1593 ... and Abra-ca-Banksy! 1.2683 0.04419 164 130 24 10
1594 This bill eliminator eliminates any size bill. I am now eliminating the National Debt. 1.2683 0.04333 164 129 26 9
1595 I don't know why I keep putting all of my evil schemes in writing. 1.2682 0.04234 179 142 26 11
1596 Isn't this the voting machine? 1.2682 0.04083 179 140 30 9
1597 The shredder ate my homework!! 1.2682 0.04006 179 139 32 8
1598 For the final act of this administration, we will make the tax returns of Donald Trump disappear. 1.2680 0.04544 153 121 23 9
1599 For my next trick, not a shred of evidence shall be left behind! 1.2680 0.04043 153 116 33 4
1600 And now, here's the missing tax report, magically unshredded. 1.2680 0.04544 153 121 23 9
1601 This is what happens to republican ballots in Chicago. 1.2680 0.04544 153 121 23 9
1602 With my magic de-shredder I will reveal the notes of the translator of the Helsinki meeting between Trump and Putin. 1.2679 0.04584 168 136 19 13
1603 Enron The Magnificent! 1.2679 0.04091 168 130 31 7
1604 Honestly, I didn't rig the ballot box! There was no voter fraud! 1.2679 0.04344 168 133 25 10
1605 #metoocadabra 1.2679 0.04177 168 131 29 8
1606 And I’ve called this one: Robert Mueller’s Dream Trick! 1.2679 0.04177 168 131 29 8
1607 I shall now make my fraudulent tax returns, disappear! 1.2679 0.04344 168 133 25 10
1608 Now, I will make all of my credit card debt- disappear! 1.2675 0.04179 157 121 30 6
1609 And this one is for the IRS 1.2675 0.04462 157 124 24 9
1610 Now watch as I make my New Year's resolutions disappear. 1.2675 0.04275 157 122 28 7
1611 Abracadabra, let it be November 8, 2016 1.2675 0.04641 157 126 20 11
1612 Your ballot is toast. 1.2675 0.04275 157 122 28 7
1613 By the way, the President said if I can make the notes from his meeting with Putin disappear, he would guarantee me a spot in the America's Got Talent finals. 1.2674 0.04193 172 135 28 9
1614 The good thing about this honey, is that the bills will disappear. magic school paid off! 1.2674 0.04273 172 136 26 10
1615 This document will now...honey, this is our marriage license. 1.2674 0.03963 187 146 32 9
1616 And Presto, watch as my subpoenaed financial records disappear! 1.2674 0.03890 187 145 34 8
1617 Trust me. Stuffing the ballot box always yields magical results. 1.2671 0.04485 146 114 25 7
1618 Abracadabra, I thus increase the value of this Banksy signed letter by 1 million dollars 1.2671 0.04589 146 115 23 8
1619 And-- Presto!-- royalties appear in Banksy's account! 1.2671 0.04807 161 132 15 14
1620 I shall now make the instructions for the "cut-the-lady-in-half" trick, which didn't work out so well last time, disappear. 1.2671 0.04384 161 127 25 9
1621 The real magic is in Cayman 1.2671 0.04295 161 126 27 8
1622 Watch as I make this incriminating evidence of my ongoing tax fraud disappear! 1.2671 0.04015 161 123 33 5
1623 And now i will make a five year old document, not just relevant but crucial. 1.2670 0.04205 176 139 27 10
1624 Abracadabra tax evasion! 1.2670 0.03799 176 134 37 5
1625 Magically, the election results are unexpected. 1.2670 0.04113 191 152 27 12
1626 Abracadabra…Shred Faster, the feds will be here any second. 1.2667 0.04403 150 117 26 7
1627 Watch closely as I make these incriminating political records disappear before your very eyes! 1.2667 0.04045 165 127 32 6
1628 At the request of audience volunteer Mr. Bezos, I will make this prenup disappear.” 1.2667 0.03858 165 125 36 4
1629 And now, my lovely assistant will bring the shreds home with her and over the weekend painstakingly reassemble her paycheck. 1.2667 0.04213 180 143 26 11
1630 And the bi-partisan amount that Congress will allocate for the Wall is . . . 1.2667 0.04195 150 115 30 5
1631 When we say "a magician never reveals his secrets," we're not messing around. 1.2667 0.03986 180 140 32 8
1632 Ladies and gentlemen, prepare yourselves to be astounded as the talented and indefatigable Mrs May demonstrates how her magical Brexit plan can separate the UK from the EU! 1.2667 0.04310 165 130 26 9
1633 And for my last trick, I will make your student debt disappear! 1.2667 0.03827 180 138 36 6
1634 Melania, hold still. It's just the Mueller report" 1.2663 0.03852 184 142 35 7
1635 We interrupt this episode of The Apprentice to bring you the long awaited release of the Mueller Report. 1.2663 0.04220 184 147 25 12
1636 And now, my lovely assistant and I, will demonstrate the best way to dispose of all those bothersome bills. 1.2663 0.04239 169 133 27 9
1637 And now, before your very eyes, I, as new head of the IRS will make President Trump's tax returns disappear. Viola! 1.2663 0.04155 169 132 29 8
1638 Now just watch as I make your stock earnings from 2018 disappear. 1.2663 0.04239 169 133 27 9
1639 Now, Sheila will reproduce the same copy of our prenuptial agreement. 1.2663 0.04321 169 134 25 10
1640 And now,for my next trick,I shall pull an unemployment check out of a printer. 1.2663 0.04402 169 135 23 11
1641 It isn’t a magic trick. It’s the transcript of Trump’s Helsinki meeting with Putin! 1.2663 0.04069 169 131 31 7
1642 Watch as the facts disappear Miss Demeanor 1.2660 0.03945 188 147 32 9
1643 For those of you loudly demanding refunds, yes, I used to ‘saw the lady in half,’ but thanks to the #MeToo movement, well ... let’s just say I’m a little more ‘woke’ than I was. 1.2659 0.03922 173 133 34 6
1644 A young Houdini performs his most important trick of all: making his pre-nup disappear. 1.2658 0.04057 158 121 32 5
1645 Now watch as I turn your government pay stub into a tasty meal full of fibber.....er...fiber. 1.2658 0.04437 158 125 24 9
1646 And you really think that Muller’s team won’t be able to piece it back together? 1.2658 0.04527 158 126 22 10
1647 See Judy, I told you I could make our bills disappear 1.2658 0.04345 158 124 26 8
1648 Abracadabra! Banksy does it again! 1.2658 0.04251 158 123 28 7
1649 No subpoena can bring this document back. I am sworn to secrecy by the magician's code. 1.2654 0.04360 162 128 25 9
1650 This one's a special request from Bart O'Kavanaugh in the audience: Abracadabra let's make Roe v. Wade disappear. 1.2654 0.04181 162 126 29 7
1651 Eureka! Here is Donald trump's tax returns! 1.2654 0.04360 162 128 25 9
1652 ...and now I will make the evidence magically disappear! ....I said MAGICALLY DISAPPEAR darnit! 1.2653 0.04458 147 115 25 7
1653 Don't try this with a rabbit. And let me know if you've seen Babette. 1.2653 0.04244 147 113 29 5
1654 You can shred it but it’s still on your email ! 1.2652 0.04265 181 145 24 12
1655 For our next trick w shall repair this jammed shredder, without benefit of pliers which my lovely wife Joanne, here, made disappear from our tool kit, last month, when attempting to repair a brassiere 1.2652 0.04265 181 145 24 12
1656 And with my next trick, I'll make your vote disapear! 1.2651 0.04113 166 129 30 7
1657 We can try, but I'm not sure this will make the subpoena disappear. 1.2649 0.04378 151 118 26 7
1658 This trick killed at Ollie North's soirees. 1.2649 0.03756 185 142 37 6
1659 a tap of my wand and ballots disappear 1.2647 0.04134 170 133 29 8
1660 And now, for my next trick, I'll make the evidence disappear! 1.2647 0.04048 170 132 31 7
1661 And when it's shredded, it will turn into his tax returns! 1.2646 0.03705 189 145 38 6
1662 Behold! As I make this ballot disappear! 1.2646 0.03854 189 147 34 8
1663 See, it doesn't jam. Magic! 1.2645 0.04492 155 123 23 9
1664 Now, I will make this piece of paper disappear! 1.2645 0.04301 155 121 27 7
1665 And now...The Great Redacto will reveal what's in those Mueller reports! 1.2645 0.04301 155 121 27 7
1666 Hocus pocus and the incriminating evidence is gone! 1.2645 0.04202 155 120 29 6
1667 And for my final act-Mueller subpoenas! 1.2644 0.04229 174 138 26 10
1668 For my next trick, I’ll file my taxes. 1.2642 0.04228 159 124 28 7
1669 And this trick is called 'Making my Russian transcripts disappear'. 1.2642 0.04228 159 124 28 7
1670 Watch carefully as I partially shred this Banksy printout, thus increasing its value considerably. 1.2640 0.03927 178 138 33 7
1671 Lady's an gentlemen, watch before your very eye's as I make this Muller report disappear!! 1.2640 0.03818 197 154 34 9
1672 And just like that, we can make Trump's financial statements disappear! 1.2637 0.03948 182 142 32 8
1673 I shall now make the subpoena disappear. 1.2637 0.03948 182 142 32 8
1674 Now to saw the witness in half. 1.2635 0.04634 148 118 21 9
1675 And for my next collusion trick.... 1.2635 0.04348 167 133 24 10
1676 I can’t take anymore, just saw me in half already 1.2635 0.04002 167 129 32 6
1677 Voila! Gone without a shred of evidence. 1.2635 0.04348 167 133 24 10
1678 Cross cut is the real magic, am I right, folks? 1.2635 0.04264 167 132 26 9
1679 And now, before your very eyes, watch the jury duty summons disappear! 1.2635 0.04264 167 132 26 9
1680 TA-DA! Tax returns? What tax returns? 1.2634 0.04109 186 148 27 11
1681 Curse these Trump hands! 1.2634 0.04109 186 148 27 11
1682 And now for my final act as precinct captain ... 1.2632 0.04356 171 137 23 11
1683 Abracadabra Banksy! It's now worth over $2 million! 1.2632 0.04352 152 119 26 7
1684 An identity thief never reveals his secrets 1.2632 0.03763 171 130 37 4
1685 ...and now I will shred my rabbit's last will and testament". 1.2632 0.03908 190 149 32 9
1686 ...and Viola... No voter fraud here! 1.2632 0.04251 152 118 28 6
1687 No, you're right Murielle. He's a great showman, but this new voting system still seems flawed. 1.2629 0.03967 175 136 32 7
1688 I have a recycling business on the side. 1.2629 0.04129 175 138 28 9
1689 Now, “before the audience ‘s eyes I will make this opponent ‘s ballot disappear. 1.2628 0.04277 156 122 27 7
1690 Watch me turn this paper into a Banksy! 1.2628 0.04466 156 124 23 9
1691 'I will now make the constitution disappear. ' 1.2628 0.04466 156 124 23 9
1692 And if you do this with Muller's report, Kelly Ann, you'll have another two years. 1.2628 0.04079 156 120 31 5
1693 And now my assistant and I will make our completely worthless college degrees magically disappear. 1.2628 0.04665 137 108 22 7
1694 My liability for cutting that last women in half will now vanish. 1.2626 0.03908 179 139 33 7
1695 Abracadabra and viola! Tiny Hands the Magnificent has made the Mueller Files disappear! 1.2626 0.04142 179 142 27 10
1696 And for my next trick, we'll disappear from your very eyes, then reappear overseas with different names and hairstyles. 1.2626 0.04217 179 143 25 11
1697 I shall now shred the Florida ballot... 1.2626 0.03744 179 137 37 5
1698 Before modern technology, I used to say: ‘Now you see it, now you don’t!’ 1.2626 0.04217 179 143 25 11
1699 And presto change-o, no more incriminating evidence. 1.2625 0.04388 160 127 24 9
1700 Et voila, I will transform this ordinary document into festive confetti. 1.2624 0.04346 141 109 27 5
1701 If the president can do it... 1.2623 0.03929 183 143 32 8
1702 I, the new Attorney General, will now make the Mueller report disappear. 1.2622 0.03951 164 126 33 5
1703 You won't regret hiring Magyar, the magical tax accountant. 1.2622 0.04225 164 129 27 8
1704 I hope you've got that copy tucked in your cleavage! 1.2622 0.04225 164 129 27 8
1705 And for my next trick, I'll run the president's entire cabinet through the shredder. 1.2622 0.04313 164 130 25 9
1706 To shred or not to shred, that is the question. 1.2622 0.04136 164 128 29 7
1707 And now, for my next trick, I'll make another Russia collusion document disappear. 1.2622 0.04225 164 129 27 8
1708 Keep your eye on the wand and not the paper shredder. 1.2619 0.04157 168 132 28 8
1709 Because, Doris, just throwing out my list of dreams and aspirations lacks the dramatic flair appropriate for a would-be professional magician. 1.2619 0.04487 168 136 20 12
1710 Bada bing, bada boom and this is how you disappear the president tax files 1.2619 0.04325 168 134 24 10
1711 Dad specifically said, "Eric, be sure to put it in the Mueller file." 1.2619 0.04157 168 132 28 8
1712 And that, Mr. Mueller, is what a magician can do for your team. 1.2618 0.03960 191 151 30 10
1713 And voila! It never happened! 1.2617 0.04194 149 115 29 5
1714 Now watch carefully as I make this subpoena disappear... 1.2617 0.04704 149 120 19 10
1715 This is how every magician worth his salt files his taxes. 1.2617 0.04405 149 117 25 7
1716 In this trick, my assistant will make evidence disappear. 1.2616 0.04173 172 136 27 9
1717 Virginia, your letter to Santa will arrive electronically! 1.2616 0.04173 172 136 27 9
1718 For my next trick, I'm going to make my 2018 tax returns disappear. 1.2614 0.04028 176 138 30 8
1719 I will now cast my ballot for an honest president. 1.2614 0.04263 176 141 24 11
1720 Poof, we're a cash business again. 1.2614 0.04186 176 140 26 10
1721 ...and Presto! No more prenuptial! 1.2614 0.03864 176 136 34 6
1722 I wonder if this will work with the bunny. 1.2611 0.04531 157 126 21 10
1723 Unlike the rabbit this will never see the light of day. 1.2611 0.04155 157 122 29 6
1724 And for his next trick, Mr. Trump will make his taxes disappear. 1.2611 0.03968 180 141 31 8
1725 And now, my tax returns will disappear 1.2609 0.04203 184 148 24 12
1726 You're getting sleepy 1.2609 0.04363 161 128 24 9
1727 Abracadabra. The amazing disappearing prenup trick. 1.2609 0.03893 161 123 34 4
1728 Ipso, Factso, Fakeso, ... the shredded translator notes from Helsinki! 1.2609 0.04132 184 147 26 11
1729 I learned the paper works better than the rabbit did. 1.2609 0.04538 161 130 20 11
1730 Observe. This document will disappear before your very eyes and reappear as . . . toast. 1.2609 0.04182 161 126 28 7
1731 I don't explain my tricks, but I call this one "the disappearing vote." 1.2609 0.04088 161 125 30 6
1732 Voilà, the illusion of our marriage disappears. 1.2606 0.04114 165 129 29 7
1733 Next I, the Amazing Subpoeni, will make this document appear in court. 1.2606 0.03930 165 127 33 5
1734 Had to shred my old act. Women I was chopping in half were demanding two salaries. 1.2606 0.04459 165 133 21 11
1735 I perfected this slight of hand with my first wife's pre-nup. 1.2606 0.04654 142 113 21 8
1736 This trick most likely will not work. 1.2604 0.04135 169 133 28 8
1737 Go forth, increase and multiply. 1.2604 0.04135 169 133 28 8
1738 Boy...voting can be a brutal business... 1.2604 0.03871 169 130 34 5
1739 And that, is how you file taxes. 1.2604 0.04135 169 133 28 8
1740 This is a seasonal magic trick, I call it income tax intervention. 1.2603 0.04243 146 113 28 5
1741 Did you plug it in? 1.2602 0.03819 196 154 33 9
1742 This is were the magic happens… 1.2601 0.04232 173 138 25 10
1743 And presto, with a tap of the wand my personal tax returns for the years 1992-2018 disappear. 1.2601 0.04152 173 137 27 9
1744 The real trick was getting my hand in there to pull it out. 1.2599 0.04087 177 140 28 9
1745 And for my next trick I shall free myself from the bonds of marriage to my assistant. 1.2599 0.04087 177 140 28 9
1746 Aaaandd, ....wait....yes, here it is: the Steele dossier! 1.2599 0.04008 177 139 30 8
1747 Now watch as I make your tax return return. 1.2599 0.04087 177 140 28 9
1748 For my next trick watch how I make Donald Trump's tax returns disappear. 1.2599 0.03927 177 138 32 7
1749 Watch the shredder! This simple marriage contract will come out as a complete set of divorce papers. 1.2597 0.03995 154 118 32 4
1750 And now, for my next act, I shall make your vote disappear! 1.2597 0.03870 181 141 33 7
1751 Ladies and gentleman, please watch closely as I seem to make my assistant's union contract disappear. 1.2597 0.03870 181 141 33 7
1752 It's a balanced Congressional budget. 1.2597 0.03949 181 142 31 8
1753 And voila, as a part-time financial planner, I've solved your budget problems! 1.2595 0.04506 158 127 21 10
1754 Abra Cadabra Russian notes disappear! 1.2595 0.04506 158 127 21 10
1755 You’re next, lady 1.2593 0.04339 162 129 24 9
1756 Hocus Pocus Habeas Corpus. 1.2593 0.04159 162 127 28 7
1757 I learned this technique from Banksy. 1.2593 0.03836 189 148 33 8
1758 Martha, I promise I’ll get your paycheck back this time 1.2593 0.04250 162 128 26 8
1759 And now I'll make these #MeToo allegations DISAPPEAR! 1.2590 0.03909 166 128 33 5
1760 We put the vote tally in the shredder and the President becomes dis-elected, Abra... 1.2590 0.04092 166 130 29 7
1761 …and when I tap my wand, watch as my off-shore banking discrepancies disappear. 1.2590 0.04267 166 132 25 9
1762 Abracadabra! Problem solved! 1.2590 0.04267 166 132 25 9
1763 A/b/b/a/c/a/d/a/b/r/a! 1.2588 0.04197 170 135 26 9
1764 Please! No help from the audience! 1.2588 0.04360 170 137 22 11
1765 Behold, as this résumé for an educated, qualified, unattractive assistant disappears! 1.2588 0.04279 170 136 24 10
1766 Once I pull the paper out of the shredder, we will have the election results. 1.2588 0.03941 170 132 32 6
1767 I told you this would be faster than a divorce Janet. 1.2586 0.04131 174 138 27 9
1768 Right before your very eyes... I can make Trump’s tax returns vanish. 1.2584 0.04144 178 142 26 10
1769 It appears that even magical shredders get jammed. 1.2584 0.03908 178 139 32 7
1770 Trump conspired with Putin to commit treason. Now, presto! He NEVER conspired to commit treason! 1.2584 0.04220 178 143 24 11
1771 We put the court order in the magic box and presto, my problems disappear. 1.2584 0.04144 178 142 26 10
1772 Bye Bye Constitution 1.2583 0.04353 151 119 25 7
1773 Obama’s achievements shall disappear before your very eyes. 1.2582 0.03851 182 142 33 7
1774 Now I'm inserting this page, which contains the word 'rabbit' two hundred times,... 1.2581 0.04020 186 148 28 10
1775 Watch me carefully: for every ballot voted for me we will have three. 1.2581 0.04374 155 123 24 8
1776 And voila! The ballot disappears! 1.2581 0.04179 155 121 28 6
1777 Of Course I'll win. This isn't a third world country, it's New Jersey 1.2581 0.04374 155 123 24 8
1778 That's right, eight pages in a shredder that can only do five! 1.2579 0.04205 159 125 27 7
1779 And now I shall make the tax returns reappear! 1.2579 0.04012 159 123 31 5
1780 It says that I am a non essential magician. 1.2579 0.04205 159 125 27 7
1781 NC-9 Polling Station 1.2577 0.04402 163 131 22 10
1782 And now, with a tap of my wand, I will make the interpreter's notes disappear. 1.2577 0.04316 163 130 24 9
1783 For my next trick, I shall now let all my hopes and dreams disappear. 1.2576 0.04385 132 102 26 4
1784 Saw me in half, okay. But a shredder? This was NOT what we rehearsed! 1.2575 0.03981 167 130 31 6
1785 Watch as I make this restraining order disappear! 1.2575 0.04328 167 134 23 10
1786 Any friend will help shred a document. But only a true friend will you help cut a body in half. 1.2575 0.04328 167 134 23 10
1787 Click of a switch, a wave of the wand, jury summons be gone! 1.2575 0.03981 167 130 31 6
1788 I ran out of pigeons. 1.2575 0.04244 167 133 25 9
1789 I think I'm done practicing on paper and feel ready to try my new version of the "cut a person in half" trick. Are you ready? 1.2573 0.03741 171 131 36 4
1790 And, for our final trick, we will turn an ordinary piece of toast into a terrifying todo list! 1.2573 0.03920 171 133 32 6
1791 Watch my unreported earnings disappear! 1.2573 0.04175 171 136 26 9
1792 Honest. Fake news. 1.2573 0.04092 171 135 28 8
1793 For $29.95 you get the presidential tweet shredder and, for the first 100 callers today only, a VP bobble-head for your dashboard. 1.2571 0.04110 175 139 27 9
1794 ...and just like that your marriage is annulled. 1.2570 0.03889 179 140 32 7
1795 Next, I will make the rabbit disappear 1.2570 0.03968 179 141 30 8
1796 Now I’ll make my assistant disappear simply by shredding her contract. 1.2568 0.03986 183 145 29 9
1797 Now watch as The Great Gerrymandro makes your voter registration disappear. 1.2568 0.04134 183 147 25 11
1798 Take that, Zuckerberg. 1.2568 0.03833 183 143 33 7
1799 For my next trick, I will make the Trump/Russian agreements miraculously disappear. 1.2568 0.03910 183 144 31 8
1800 In this trick, I will fix this shredder without calling the IT department! 1.2568 0.04406 148 117 24 7
1801 And now, with the help of my assistant, I will make all evidence of the meeting with Mr. Putin disappear! 1.2568 0.04806 148 121 16 11
1802 Pelosi leviosa." 1.2566 0.04428 152 121 23 8
1803 At the sound of the magic word “Audit,” Madoff the Marvelous quickly made things disappear. 1.2565 0.03943 191 152 29 10
1804 Now watch me make this State of the Union Address disappear before your very eyes. 1.2564 0.04536 156 126 20 10
1805 You know, I wouldn't have to be shredding our marriage license if you just supported my hobbies. 1.2564 0.04349 156 124 24 8
1806 Banksy tells me this trick could make me a millionaire. 1.2564 0.03951 156 120 32 4
1807 And now...the disappearing Mueller Report. Zzzzzz.... 1.2564 0.04253 156 123 26 7
1808 And when I count to three, none of you will remember seeing this. 1.2564 0.04155 156 122 28 6
1809 I taught Banksy everything he knows 1.2564 0.04444 156 125 22 9
1810 Abracadabra! I will now make my paper trail disappear! 1.2563 0.03990 160 124 31 5
1811 And now, by means of my lovely assistant, a few magic words, and this handy-dandy Fellowes Powershred 6000, I shall evade federal prosecution! 1.2563 0.04087 160 125 29 6
1812 Next, I shall use the mystic box of knives to transport my tax return beyond the ken of man. 1.2563 0.04275 160 127 25 8
1813 And now, my famous “Disappearing Tax Records” trick, which I learned from The Great Trumpini. 1.2563 0.04455 160 129 21 10
1814 Abracadabra! My taxes are done! 1.2561 0.04546 164 134 18 12
1815 Watch and be amazed my legal troubles disappear before your very eyes. 1.2561 0.04204 164 130 26 8
1816 With two shakes of his small wand, Manshreddi makes women's rights disappear. 1.2561 0.04204 164 130 26 8
1817 Presto! No more constitution! For my next trick: what do you think of eighteen justices on the Supreme Court? 1.2561 0.04114 164 129 28 7
1818 And now, I’m casting the magic vote that will decide the election! 1.2560 0.03960 168 131 31 6
1819 And “presto”, your harassment complaint has vanished! 1.2558 0.04154 172 137 26 9
1820 My lawyer says it's the only way to make it truly disappear. 1.2558 0.04154 172 137 26 9
1821 And, ladies and gentlemen, the IRS isn’t working right now, which means I can make my taxes go poof (and you can too!). 1.2558 0.03812 172 133 34 5
1822 And voila! Your legal troubles have disappeared! 1.2558 0.03812 172 133 34 5
1823 And we simply place this infallible plan to end the shutdown in the magical remote suggestion box.... 1.2558 0.04071 172 136 28 8
1824 And Abracadabra! It’s now a Banksy! 1.2557 0.04089 176 140 27 9
1825 By the power vested in me by the New Jersey Magicians Alliance, I now pronounce us divorced. 1.2557 0.04009 176 139 29 8
1826 Sounds really shredful 1.2557 0.03843 176 137 33 6
1827 ...and with a touch of magic, we'll finally see the President's tax returns! 1.2557 0.04089 176 140 27 9
1828 A magician never reveals his secrets...or his credit card statements. 1.2556 0.03621 180 138 38 4
1829 Abracadabra! The votes disappear, right before our very eyes!! 1.2556 0.03870 180 141 32 7
1830 Abracadabra! Let this absentee ballot register itself! 1.2556 0.03949 180 142 30 8
1831 For my next trick, I will make my tax return disappear. 1.2556 0.03870 180 141 32 7
1832 And just like magic, workers' rights are an illusion 1.2555 0.04148 137 105 29 3
1833 For my next trick, I will put this piece of paper into the machine, and it shall come out in tiny bits. 1.2554 0.03967 184 146 29 9
1834 Wall-a! There you have it no more constitution! 1.2554 0.03967 184 146 29 9
1835 I will now make your accumulated paid time off disappear. 1.2552 0.03925 192 153 29 10
1836 And for my next trick, I will make my criminal record disappear! 1.2550 0.04058 149 115 30 4
1837 And the magical unshredder not only puts your documents back together, but edits and improves them as well! 1.2550 0.03944 149 114 32 3
1838 Plausible Deniability! 1.2550 0.04275 149 117 26 6
1839 This one's from Banksy so I'm going to grab it fast. 1.2549 0.04498 153 123 21 9
1840 And for my next trick. I will make my tax returns disappear. 1.2549 0.04402 153 122 23 8
1841 I promise you darling: This will be the last magic trick in our marriage." 1.2549 0.04303 153 121 25 7
1842 Donald asked me to make Muller’s notes disappear. 1.2548 0.04510 157 127 20 10
1843 Say the magic word, Mr. President, and I'll make that interpreter's notes disappear. 1.2547 0.04159 161 127 27 7
1844 A prestidigitator never reveals his tax returns. 1.2547 0.03968 161 125 31 5
1845 My God! That is our Marriage license! 1.2547 0.04430 161 130 21 10
1846 In preparation for my next saw trick, here is my assistant's liability release form; I call this bit "beyond a shred of a doubt". 1.2547 0.03968 161 125 31 5
1847 Turbotax. 1.2545 0.04439 165 134 20 11
1848 The rabbit is next! 1.2545 0.04181 165 131 26 8
1849 And now to make the evidence disappear 1.2545 0.04001 165 129 30 6
1850 That was the latest work by "Banksy" 1.2545 0.04181 165 131 26 8
1851 Get ready! I will retrieve a rabbit, slightly the worse for wear. 1.2544 0.03849 169 131 33 5
1852 Now watch me pull a Banksy out of my hat. 1.2544 0.04114 169 134 27 8
1853 I’m shredding the contract for “The Wall”... abracadabra.... oh shit! It’s the Cheque for the wall! Oh noooo.... 1.2544 0.04199 169 135 25 9
1854 Was THIS your shredded tweet? 1.2544 0.03849 169 131 33 5
1855 And before I saw my wife in half I will make our prenuptial disappear." 1.2544 0.03661 169 129 37 3
1856 With a quick wave of the wand - and like that! - your parking ticket has disappeared . 1.2543 0.03793 173 134 34 5
1857 When it comes out, the sensitive information will be blacked out. 1.2543 0.04213 173 139 24 10
1858 Now watch as I make this Banksy print disappear... 1.2543 0.04050 173 137 28 8
1859 As the president's new "Secretary of Redaction", we felt that simply "blacking-out" certain sentences left some ambiguity about our position 1.2542 0.03989 177 140 29 8
1860 I will now make the President 's tax return disappear. 1.2541 0.04007 181 144 28 9
1861 And, voilà, evidence has disappeared! 1.2541 0.04007 181 144 28 9
1862 Now, Ladies and Gentleman, with only a standard shredder, Abracadabra!! my opponents’ write in votes magically disappear! (NC 9 humor) 1.2540 0.03819 189 149 32 8
1863 For my next trick, I'll make my insider trading charges disappear! 1.2540 0.03892 189 150 30 9
1864 As they say, any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic 1.2538 0.04544 130 102 23 5
1865 No, Karen, when I said that I wanted to shred on stage when I grew up I pictured a guitar not this. 1.2535 0.04406 142 112 24 6
1866 ...and in a few short moments, my assistant will cough up this document, fully reconstituted. 1.2534 0.04434 146 116 23 7
1867 OK, so I said let’s make the act more high tech. Is this really the best we can do? 1.2534 0.04434 146 116 23 7
1868 As a magician, I can even make government paychecks disappear. 1.2533 0.04034 150 116 30 4
1869 Now say the magic words, “Sarbanes Oxley!” 1.2533 0.04144 150 117 28 5
1870 ...and just like that, the evidence has VANISHED. For my next trick, I will miraculously ESCAPE from my assistant's lawsuit... 1.2533 0.04456 150 120 22 8
1871 For my next trick, I will reverse-Banksy this document. 1.2533 0.04250 150 118 26 6
1872 It says, "This act is toast". 1.2532 0.04278 154 122 25 7
1873 Soon the secret of my shredding magic trick, written on this piece of paper, will be shredded, thus forever ending my shredding magic trick. 1.2532 0.04278 154 122 25 7
1874 And next, the rabbit please. 1.2532 0.04376 154 123 23 8
1875 I hope the IRS and FBI do not make this reappear. 1.2532 0.04573 158 129 18 11
1876 Yes, I blew it on the Magna Carta and Dead Sea Scroll fragment, but third times a charm. 1.2532 0.04206 158 125 26 7
1877 And now with my magic words this sheet will turn into confetti 1.2531 0.04318 162 130 23 9
1878 Presto, some 2018 income has disappeared... next I'll pull an expense from my hat. 1.2531 0.03947 162 126 31 5
1879 Now only an intern could restore it! 1.2531 0.04043 162 127 29 6
1880 And for my next trick, I will make the U.S. Constitution disappear. 1.2531 0.04136 162 128 27 7
1881 And for my final illusion I will shred the constitution and reassemble it in perfect Russian. I call it the Trump Triumph 1.2530 0.04070 166 131 28 7
1882 And now I will read your mind. You're thinking, that's just a paper shredder! 1.2530 0.04159 166 132 26 8
1883 Would you prefer a rabbit? 1.2530 0.03979 166 130 30 6
1884 Come on out of there little rabbit. 1.2529 0.04093 170 135 27 8
1885 I will then reassemble the shredded page into a genuine Banksy worth millions. 1.2529 0.03829 170 132 33 5
1886 Presto! Whole again. 1.2529 0.03946 174 137 30 7
1887 And abracadabra just like that your tax problems are gone! 1.2528 0.03805 178 139 33 6
1888 Henry demonstrates to the court how his Redact-o-matic saves a bundle on toner. 1.2528 0.03635 178 137 37 4
1889 No paper has been harmed in this trick. 1.2527 0.03832 182 143 32 7
1890 Meet my lovely assistant, Miss Aida Ann Abettor. 1.2527 0.03832 182 143 32 7
1891 We need confetti for the act, I happen to have an impending indictment. Two birds, one stone. 1.2527 0.04137 182 147 24 11
1892 And just like that, your student debt is gone, madam. 1.2527 0.03540 186 143 39 4
1893 And say the magic word...presto, all our legal problems disappear! 1.2526 0.03801 190 150 32 8
1894 Let's see you return your birthday present now. 1.2526 0.03873 190 151 30 9
1895 Now, I will pull this full sheet of paper out of a shredder. 1.2525 0.03912 202 163 27 12
1896 Watch as I make this subpoena disappear! 1.2519 0.04299 135 105 26 4
1897 And now watch, as I make this ballot disappear. 1.2518 0.04343 139 109 25 5
1898 We magicians never reveal our secrets.” 1.2517 0.04490 143 114 22 7
1899 And for my next trick I’ll make make that pesky U.S. Constitution disappear for good. 1.2517 0.04379 143 113 24 6
1900 Next... ah, the translator's notes... Bye, Bye... 1.2517 0.04614 147 119 19 9
1901 No, Banksy is not part of this illusion. 1.2517 0.04300 147 116 25 6
1902 And now, I'm going to make Donald Trump's tax return disappear! 1.2516 0.03947 155 120 31 4
1903 And when I place the magic ballot in the box, presto, Hillary will be the president. 1.2516 0.04154 155 122 27 6
1904 And the winning lotto ticket is 1.2516 0.04052 155 121 29 5
1905 And for my next trick.....the federal budget! 1.2516 0.04458 159 129 20 10
1906 Abracadabra! Just like that I can make Trump's tax returns disappear. 1.2516 0.04368 159 128 22 9
1907 I will now retrieve your secret information from Equifax. 1.2515 0.04467 163 133 19 11
1908 Abracadabra--now I never said that! I wasn't even there! 1.2515 0.04294 163 131 23 9
1909 Right before your very eyes, I will destroy all evidence of what really happened to the bunny in the hat. 1.2515 0.04137 167 133 26 8
1910 And magically, by the end of my act, I'll have enough bedding for my rabbit cage! 1.2515 0.03958 167 131 30 6
1911 And for my next trick, I'll shred my mail without jamming the shredder 1.2515 0.03866 167 130 32 5
1912 And with a wave of my wand... abracadabra! No more health insurance for Carol. 1.2515 0.04048 167 132 28 7
1913 Now watch closely as the shredder speeds up when it detects the name Clinton. 1.2515 0.04071 171 136 27 8
1914 Er voilà, 2020 election victory! 1.2515 0.03718 171 132 35 4
1915 If this works, ballot boxes are next. 1.2515 0.04071 171 136 27 8
1916 Trying to make your prenup disappear again, dear? 1.2515 0.04155 171 137 25 9
1917 And viola...a tree simultaneously sprouts in Thailand! 1.2515 0.04237 171 138 23 10
1918 e Presto! - linguini ala carta! 1.2514 0.03842 175 137 32 6
1919 No meeting notes means I never met with Putin. In fact, better yet, I don't even know the man. 1.2514 0.03926 175 138 30 7
1920 Behold! as I, the Amazing Banksy, using only this ordinary shredder, turn this paper into one-point-five million dollars! 1.2514 0.03968 183 146 28 9
1921 And, now for my last trick, I will make my graduate school loan paperwork disappear. 1.2514 0.03968 183 146 28 9
1922 And just like that, you ex-husband never existed! 1.2513 0.03761 187 147 33 7
1923 We the people 1.2513 0.03910 187 149 29 9
1924 It's magic, but not as you know it. 1.2513 0.03710 191 150 34 7
1925 Expelliarmus Trumpus Translationus! 1.2500 0.04182 164 131 25 8
1926 Yes a moment ago I was fired,but now magically I’m still here. 1.2500 0.03790 172 134 33 5
1927 And for my next trick, I’ll make a priceless Banksy appear! 1.2500 0.04115 168 134 26 8
1928 And VOILA! The Mueller report has disappeared! 1.2500 0.04586 148 120 19 9
1929 And for my next trick ... I will make my debt disappear 1.2500 0.03822 176 138 32 6
1930 ...And, as you can plainly see, the printer has NOT run out of ink! 1.2500 0.04252 160 128 24 8
1931 And now, the great Manzini will show you how to make an FBI investigation disappear... 1.2500 0.04201 152 120 26 6
1932 And now - my audit letter from the IRS. 1.2500 0.04326 156 125 23 8
1933 And as if by magic...that incriminating document disappeared. 1.2500 0.04115 168 134 26 8
1934 And with that, all of your problems go away 1.2500 0.04029 156 122 29 5
1935 And now, the disappearing pre-nup! 1.2500 0.04166 148 116 27 5
1936 Is anyone in the audience of Russian extraction? 1.2500 0.04027 168 133 28 7
1937 Can Banksy do this? 1.2500 0.04027 168 133 28 7
1938 Just be thankful there wasn’t a rabbit under my hat today. 1.2500 0.04063 160 126 28 6
1939 I haven't fully worked it out but I'm pretty sure you will come out in one piece. 1.2500 0.03752 168 130 34 4
1940 Hmmm, No federal paycheck... no federal income tax filing! 1.2500 0.03999 164 129 29 6
1941 And here's the REAL magic...you'll recall Mandy was wearing a full skirt when she first came onstage... 1.2500 0.04433 140 111 23 6
1942 For my next trick, using nothing but a paper shredder, I will confess to no collusion with Russia. 1.2500 0.04239 144 113 26 5
1943 This sheet is my heart, Gloria. You're the shredder. Get it? 1.2500 0.03649 176 136 36 4
1944 And for my next trick, I shall resolve this printer error. 1.2500 0.03666 200 158 34 8
1945 Don't . . . shred . . . on . . . me. 1.2500 0.04326 156 125 23 8
1946 Now we know what happened to Hillary's emails. 1.2500 0.04133 172 138 25 9
1947 And now, watch my vote disappear 1.2500 0.04159 160 127 26 7
1948 The Amazing Mueller makes Buzzfeed disappear. 1.2487 0.03649 189 148 35 6
1949 Essential government employees have been recalled to the White House. 1.2487 0.03945 189 152 27 10
1950 Next I will perform this trick with a rabbit. 1.2487 0.04086 189 154 23 12
1951 Trump tax returns magically revealed! 1.2486 0.03777 185 146 32 7
1952 And for my next trick, the slow magic of 20th century technology. 1.2486 0.03831 181 143 31 7
1953 The Great Putini shows off his best illusion: The old "the ballot is cast or is it?" trick. 1.2486 0.04127 177 143 24 10
1954 This is why we needed a rehearsal, Stacey! 1.2486 0.03718 177 138 34 5
1955 Banksy tried this and failed. 1.2486 0.03969 177 141 28 8
1956 First I made my beautiful assistant's dignity disappear, and now I'm going to remove any evidence that it existed in the first place. 1.2486 0.04193 173 140 23 10
1957 Watch as I make this collusion disappear! 1.2486 0.04272 173 141 21 11
1958 Come on, you don't see this piece of paper crying about getting cut in half ? 1.2486 0.04029 173 138 27 8
1959 Your pre-nup, as requested 1.2486 0.03771 173 135 33 5
1960 I will now make my meeting with Putin disappear. 1.2485 0.04006 169 134 28 7
1961 Relax my dear , it's not your paycheck. 1.2485 0.04006 169 134 28 7
1962 This trick is called: ADMINISTRATION 1.2485 0.04093 169 135 26 8
1963 Delores, we've been booked for Brexit! 1.2485 0.04247 165 133 23 9
1964 And after the Cohen files, our Piece de Resistance! I shall un-Bansky!! 1.2485 0.04069 165 131 27 7
1965 Ok, wands almost set up. Just need to read the terms of service. 1.2485 0.04159 165 132 25 8
1966 All we need to call this magic is a fake audience. 1.2484 0.04136 161 128 26 7
1967 We re-cycle even the darkest deceptions. 1.2484 0.04229 161 129 24 8
1968 I’ve had plenty of practice. It’s just another bill. 1.2484 0.04229 161 129 24 8
1969 ...and now, for my next trick, I will make this federal indictment disappear. 1.2484 0.04136 161 128 26 7
1970 Our first gig was the U.S. Embassy in Iran forty years ago. 1.2484 0.04107 157 124 27 6
1971 And presto, my debt has disappeared! 1.2484 0.04487 157 128 19 10
1972 I don't need the divorce papers anymore, my husband won the lottery 1.2484 0.04577 157 129 17 11
1973 It'd be a better disappearing act if it were quieter. 1.2484 0.04278 153 122 24 7
1974 And for my next trick, I will make all your tax-season worries disappear. 1.2484 0.03965 153 119 30 4
1975 Notice that at no time does deniability leave the realm of the plausible! 1.2484 0.04278 153 122 24 7
1976 So, here I vote for equality between men and women. Let's see what happens... 1.2483 0.04141 149 117 27 5
1977 Now watch closely as I make these tax records.... Disappear! 1.2476 0.03588 206 163 35 8
1978 Abracadabra, the combination shredder / ballot box! 1.2473 0.03984 186 150 26 10
1979 For this trick, i will magically make all the evidence of Russian interference disappear! 1.2473 0.03759 186 147 32 7
1980 Try harder! Turn these lies into facts. 1.2473 0.03649 182 142 35 5
1981 I will now make 30,000 printed emails disappear! 1.2473 0.04118 182 148 23 11
1982 And, wait, wait, YES, IT'S THE PRESIDENT'S UNSHREDDED TAX RETURNS! 1.2472 0.03867 178 141 30 7
1983 Here's a nifty trick to make a bad review disappear. 1.2471 0.03476 174 133 39 2
1984 For my next trick, I'll make these lawsuits disappear! 1.2471 0.03839 174 137 31 6
1985 All this fuss over a parking ticket. 1.2471 0.04071 170 136 26 8
1986 Abracadabra! The evidence has disappeared. 1.2471 0.04400 170 140 18 12
1987 And now...watch as Mr. Interpreter puts the meeting notes into the box 1.2471 0.04239 170 138 22 10
1988 Behold! I will now make Robert Meuller's report disappear​! 1.2471 0.04071 170 136 26 8
1989 Watch these Putin meeting notes magically recycle into fast food wrappers !! 1.2471 0.04239 170 138 22 10
1990 For my next trick...tax bill 1.2471 0.03897 170 134 30 6
1991 Presto-chango and the summons is magically converted into confetti. 1.2471 0.03897 170 134 30 6
1992 And, voila! Our pre-nup! 1.2470 0.04137 166 133 25 8
1993 And ab bra-cadabra, your vote disappears. 1.2470 0.03956 166 131 29 6
1994 This would be so much better if we could get rid of the cord. 1.2470 0.03863 166 130 31 5
1995 Behold as I, the Great Donald T. Rumpio, make this fake news disappear before your very eyes! 1.2470 0.03956 166 131 29 6
1996 Abra-cadabra! I can make this vote disappear! 1.2469 0.04019 162 128 28 6
1997 And for my next trick I shall make your rights disappear 1.2469 0.04019 162 128 28 6
1998 R U Kidding me??!@#$ A Paper Jam ! ABRACADABRA ABRACADABRA...... Start dancing Wanda ! 1.2469 0.04205 162 130 24 8
1999 Before we attempt to saw my new assistant in half, we will make her birth certificate disappear. 1.2469 0.03922 162 127 30 5
2000 Preserving confidentiality takes work, not magic. 1.2468 0.04084 158 125 27 6
2001 What is this, you ask? Well, I like to think of it as a new-fangled debt balance eater. 1.2468 0.04370 158 128 21 9
2002 Cohen agreed to pay me 150k to make the Constitution disappear. 1.2468 0.04084 158 125 27 6
2003 And for my next trick, I will make my legal culpability disappear! 1.2468 0.04152 154 122 26 6
2004 Don't worry, in a few moments this will be worth double. 1.2468 0.04352 154 124 22 8
2005 On second thought I'll let the IRS piece it back together. 1.2466 0.03834 146 112 32 2
2006 This trick is toast! 1.2466 0.04407 146 117 22 7
2007 and now watch as i pull out a paper from a old printer without getting the paper ripped 1.2464 0.04578 138 111 20 7
2008 And when I reassemble the pieces, Tiffany will be once again, be reunited, with her pants. 1.2462 0.03734 199 159 31 9
2009 In a few seconds,this will magically be worth more 1.2461 0.03765 191 152 31 8
2010 Watch carefully as I make my lovely assistant's contract disappear. 1.2461 0.03538 191 149 37 5
2011 I call this trick The Internet. 1.2460 0.03741 187 148 32 7
2012 And, voila! Our tax issues are gone! 1.2460 0.03965 187 151 26 10
2013 And VOILA!, the paper vanishes...in about 1-2 minutes 1.2460 0.03584 187 146 36 5
2014 It has been challenging to find consistent work ever since Watergate. 1.2459 0.03794 183 145 31 7
2015 ...and when the special counsel's report has been completely shredded, all evidence of Russian interference in the 2016 presidential election will have magically disappeared. 1.2459 0.03548 183 142 37 4
2016 And now watch my tax returns from 7 years ago disappear! 1.2457 0.03733 175 137 33 5
2017 The real trick is not getting your tie caught in the machine 1.2457 0.03820 175 138 31 6
2018 And magically, my assistant’s mini bar receipts reappear from the shredder. 1.2457 0.03905 175 139 29 7
2019 This way we don't have to buy the confetti 1.2457 0.03820 175 138 31 6
2020 And viola! This will make your credit card bills disappear. 1.2457 0.04150 175 142 23 10
2021 For my next trick, I will turn this shredded piece of paper into Banksy. 1.2456 0.03876 171 135 30 6
2022 Uh-oh, the notes from the Trump-Putin meeting. 1.2456 0.03876 171 135 30 6
2023 Prepare to be amazed! Until then I have some work to do. 1.2455 0.04115 167 134 25 8
2024 And on the count of three I will cast my vote for Trump. 1.2455 0.04286 167 136 21 10
2025 And now, for my final act of super-edgy street art, I will make Banky’s tax returns disappear! 1.2455 0.03935 167 132 29 6
2026 Watch closely as my taxable income disappears! 1.2455 0.04026 167 133 27 7
2027 Let's take a moment to acknowledge Diane's professionalism, as I remind you all that this document is our actual prenuptial agreement. 1.2454 0.03901 163 128 30 5
2028 I told you this bill was toast! 1.2454 0.03997 163 129 28 6
2029 What they don't know, it gets scanned before it is shredded 1.2453 0.04158 159 127 25 7
2030 Now, unless I am paid a sizable fee, I will magically restore the entirely undamaged tax returns. 1.2453 0.04436 159 130 19 10
2031 Now watch me make these votes disappear 1.2453 0.04158 159 127 25 7
2032 Abracadabra! And now for the election results... 1.2452 0.04327 155 125 22 8
2033 Okay, now bring in the bunny. 1.2452 0.04229 155 124 24 7
2034 I will now preform the famous cut and restore of a government leaked document! 1.2452 0.04128 155 123 26 6
2035 Close your eyes during this part, Dorothy. 1.2452 0.04128 155 123 26 6
2036 Watch now as it emerges as new. I call this trick "My accountant's nightmare" 1.2452 0.03812 155 120 32 3
2037 I call this one, the shredded Chad. 1.2450 0.04092 151 119 27 5
2038 And...voila! The last copy of The U.S. Constitution! Come back to Trumpworld soon! 1.2449 0.04162 147 116 26 5
2039 Presto! The paper is shredded. 1.2449 0.04883 147 123 12 12
2040 Viola, the PETA approved rabbit! 1.2447 0.03873 188 151 28 9
2041 And not even I will be able to put it together again! 1.2446 0.03775 184 146 31 7
2042 For my next trick, I will make this subpoena disappear. 1.2446 0.03696 184 145 33 6
2043 And like magic, there goes the pre-nup! 1.2444 0.03988 180 145 26 9
2044 Geoffry always took things too far... especially when it came to keeping toes in his breast pocket. 1.2444 0.04141 180 147 22 11
2045 I'm feeding the rabbit 1.2443 0.03714 176 138 33 5
2046 And now...we present the Mueller report! Drumroll please. 1.2443 0.04049 176 142 25 9
2047 And viola! Your democracy is gone! 1.2443 0.04128 176 143 23 10
2048 According to my divorce lawyer, this IS pulling a rabbit out of my hat. 1.2443 0.03885 176 140 29 7
2049 And the only record of the meeting of these two great men... 1.2443 0.03801 176 139 31 6
2050 Using my subpoena, the shredder will digitize the paper to Wikileaks. 1.2442 0.03857 172 136 30 6
2051 For my next trick, I make my assistant’s suggestion disappear. 1.2442 0.03857 172 136 30 6
2052 Hold it still now, Hillary 1.2442 0.04194 172 140 22 10
2053 And presto! We turn it into a subpoena. 1.2442 0.03944 172 137 28 7
2054 For my next trick I will make the audience disappear. 1.2440 0.03915 168 133 29 6
2055 No prenuptial agreement, no marriage. 1.2440 0.04179 168 136 23 9
2056 And now I will make my unpaid tax problem disappear before your very eyes...... 1.2440 0.03915 168 133 29 6
2057 And now I am going to make your paycheck disappear... 1.2440 0.04005 168 134 27 7
2058 Repeat after me: this trick is for paper, not bunnies. 1.2440 0.04093 168 135 25 8
2059 And just like that, we never married oooooo. 1.2439 0.03975 164 130 28 6
2060 I will start by shredding our wedding certificate” 1.2439 0.04068 164 131 26 7
2061 Voila,the indictment disappears! 1.2437 0.03839 160 125 31 4
2062 If you thought that was great, wait until I saw you in half. 1.2437 0.03940 160 126 29 5
2063 Abra Cadabra - Watch as I make these translation notes disappear. For my next trick I will turn money laundering into adoption. 1.2437 0.04229 160 129 23 8
2064 President's aren't the only ones who can make their dirty tricks disappear! 1.2437 0.04039 160 127 27 6
2065 You democrats know this trick from the general election. You put your ballot into the ballot box – and vanished it is! 1.2437 0.03628 160 123 35 2
2066 As the new White House magician, I disappear a lot more than the rabbit. 1.2436 0.04105 156 124 26 6
2067 Enron , The Magician . 1.2436 0.04397 156 127 20 9
2068 Your vote in russia 1.2436 0.04302 156 126 22 8
2069 Ladies & gentlemen, wait until you see what we do to the rabbit! 1.2434 0.04277 152 122 23 7
2070 Observe as all my tax records and any proof of my collusion with Russia magically vanish! 1.2434 0.03960 152 119 29 4
2071 The magic trick is that I turn the toaster into a shredder. 1.2434 0.03960 152 119 29 4
2072 I will now partially shred my tricks of the trade to auction at Sothebys. 1.2434 0.04069 152 120 27 5
2073 And for my next trick, I will be annulling our marriage 1.2434 0.04174 152 121 25 6
2074 Hocus Potus and...no Mueller report!” 1.2434 0.04378 152 123 21 8
2075 And for my next trick, I will get Donald Trump elected! 1.2434 0.03855 189 152 28 9
2076 ... and now the prenup... 1.2434 0.03855 189 152 28 9
2077 And just like that, the evidence has disappeared! 1.2434 0.03551 189 148 36 5
2078 You know Susan, I used to do this trick with a rabbit.... 1.2432 0.04137 148 117 26 5
2079 Paul Manafort's chief lawyer attempting to destroy incriminating PDFs. 1.2432 0.04354 148 119 22 7
2080 And now for my next trick, I'll make gluten-free papier mache. 1.2431 0.04045 181 147 24 10
2081 Abracadabra. Put this in and out comes a Banksy! 1.2431 0.04194 181 149 20 12
2082 Abra-cadabra: Incriminating memo, DISAPPEAR! 1.2431 0.03646 181 142 34 5
2083 Just watch this subpoena disappear! 1.2429 0.03782 177 140 31 6
2084 That's not your normal suit, is it Banksy? 1.2429 0.04286 140 111 24 5
2085 Actually, I bet they're raiding my house right now... 1.2428 0.03657 173 135 34 4
2086 And now, I will reverse shred the $100,000 check I shredded along with the Target ad. 1.2428 0.04091 173 140 24 9
2087 I am Banksy. 1.2428 0.04008 173 139 26 8
2088 3-D printing a rabbit seemed like a good idea 1.2428 0.04172 173 141 22 10
2089 The name's Cohen, Michael Cohen. 1.2428 0.04091 173 140 24 9
2090 And, just like that, our constiutional rights are ripped up. Its a trick, not magic. 1.2426 0.03984 169 135 27 7
2091 Presto; our prenuptial agreement! 1.2426 0.03894 169 134 29 6
2092 The real trick will be cleaning this out without getting confetti all over the floor. 1.2426 0.03984 169 135 27 7
2093 And for my next trick, I will show you how to make evidence from a hard drive disappear. 1.2426 0.03709 169 132 33 4
2094 Magic made me do it! 1.2426 0.03803 169 133 31 5
2095 The true magic is in its Cross-Cutting capabilities. 1.2426 0.03548 202 160 35 7
2096 Watch carefully as I turn this subpoena into confetti fit for a hero. 1.2424 0.03859 165 130 30 5
2097 Abracadabra, audit away. 1.2424 0.04046 165 132 26 7
2098 Abrakadabra your turbo tax is not free,free,free,liar,liar,liar 1.2424 0.03954 165 131 28 6
2099 Abra-kannulment! 1.2422 0.04112 161 129 25 7
2100 Watch closely as I make this restraining order from the magician assistants’ union disappear. 1.2422 0.04016 161 128 27 6
2101 we cast the final ballots under the careful eye of the voters magician committee 1.2422 0.04297 161 131 21 9
2102 If it worked for Banksy it can work for me! 1.2422 0.03818 161 126 31 4
2103 And let's have a round of applause to Señor Sanchez for volunteering his immigration application for my next illusion. 1.2422 0.04112 161 129 25 7
2104 And on the count of three, your identity will vanish, and pop up instantaneously in Moscow! 1.2421 0.03909 190 154 26 10
2105 Oh ye of little faith! 1.2420 0.04180 157 126 24 7
2106 For my next trick, watch as I make my tax records disappear! 1.2420 0.03876 157 123 30 4
2107 Out of all the dangerous stunts Misty was the assistant for she never dreamed this would be the one that took her life. 1.2420 0.04180 157 126 24 7
2108 Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the illusion of no collusion. I promise to shred every shred of evidence which the Special Counsel has obtained right before your very eyes! 1.2420 0.04082 157 125 26 6
2109 Shredding it halfway doesn't make it a Banksy knockoff. 1.2420 0.03980 157 124 28 5
2110 'Thanks Svetlana for being my interpreter.' 1.2420 0.04082 157 125 26 6
2111 Presto! There goes the prenup! 1.2420 0.04180 157 126 24 7
2112 You may ask yourself , How can 20 years of tax returns disappear into one shredder? 1.2420 0.04277 157 127 22 8
2113 No, my dear, this is tax 'illusion'. 1.2418 0.04150 153 122 25 6
2114 Ladies and gentlemen, wouldn't you know it? Just when the show was going so well, we appear to have developed a paper jam. 1.2418 0.03937 153 120 29 4
2115 And against my lawyer's advice-let's make this paper trail-disappear 1.2418 0.03711 182 144 32 6
2116 Now, let me see if I've correctly guessed what's on this Toast-It note 1.2416 0.04008 178 144 25 9
2117 ...and Abracadabra, all the evidence disappears. 1.2416 0.03928 178 143 27 8
2118 And for my next trick, I will make our bills disappear. 1.2416 0.03678 178 140 33 5
2119 Abracadbra, Mr. President. Your tax forms are gone! 1.2414 0.04184 145 115 25 5
2120 Voila! It’s Art. 1.2412 0.04049 170 137 25 8
2121 And I will make the TPS report...disappear! 1.2411 0.04014 141 110 28 3
2122 Voila! It’s a Banksy. 1.2410 0.03933 166 132 28 6
2123 And for my next trick, I’m going to make my summons for jury duty DISAPPEAR! 1.2410 0.03742 166 130 32 4
2124 The Trump Reality Show, Season 3 Finale: Who Shredded the Putin Meeting Transcripts? 1.2407 0.03994 162 129 27 6
2125 Your applause is deafening. Thank you, Steve. 1.2407 0.04182 162 131 23 8
2126 Now we wait for the rabbit to come out. 1.2407 0.04273 162 132 21 9
2127 We'll play it backward in the filmed version. 1.2407 0.04182 162 131 23 8
2128 And after making this tax return disappear we will saw Death in half. 1.2407 0.03994 162 129 27 6
2129 When you reverse the feed this paper better magically reassemble itself or you're gonna look really stupid. 1.2406 0.03643 187 148 33 6
2130 Presto chango! When you misplace the key to my leg manacles, your contract disappears! 1.2405 0.04438 158 130 18 10
2131 And now watch as I make these interpreter's notes.. Disappear! 1.2405 0.04059 158 126 26 6
2132 And just like that, my taxes magically disappear. 1.2405 0.04253 158 128 22 8
2133 At $1.2 million. Going once 1.2405 0.03958 158 125 28 5
2134 You can take it to the banksy, folks! 1.2403 0.04126 154 123 25 6
2135 Never fear, my dear...the President will come up with a new reality in the morning. 1.2403 0.04022 154 122 27 5
2136 The real magic, ladies and gentlemen, took place earlier today when my accountant prepared this tax return which, on reflection, could land both of us in the slammer. 1.2403 0.04327 154 125 21 8
2137 And with a wave of my magic wand, that previously shredded document has emerged intact! 1.2403 0.04327 154 125 21 8
2138 Abracadabra. Sorry,your vote doesn't count this time. 1.2403 0.04022 154 122 27 5
2139 To retrieve this, will be a miracle, not a magic trick. 1.2400 0.04129 175 143 22 10
2140 One wave of the wand and all the ballots will reflect my vote! 1.2400 0.03883 175 140 28 7
2141 I will attempt to let go before my hand enters the shredder. 1.2400 0.03883 175 140 28 7
2142 How did Banksy do it again? 1.2400 0.03967 175 141 26 8
2143 Voila! And now for the rabbit. 1.2400 0.03967 175 141 26 8
2144 Voter fraud??? 1.2398 0.03854 171 136 29 6
2145 I will now make this past due notice reappear in my mailbox next month. 1.2397 0.04159 146 116 25 5
2146 And now, for my final trick, I will make my taxes disappear! 1.2396 0.03801 192 155 28 9
2147 No taxation with magicianation 1.2395 0.03912 167 133 28 6
2148 Voila! My Banksy moment! 1.2395 0.03912 167 133 28 6
2149 This is a new version of Russian roulette. 1.2395 0.04265 167 137 20 10
2150 I shall now make high crimes and misdemeanors disappear. 1.2395 0.03912 167 133 28 6
2151 And now the evidence will disappear. 1.2394 0.03780 188 151 29 8
2152 And that's how the government watchdog report on migrant children separation 'disappeared'. 1.2394 0.03704 188 150 31 7
2153 The great Shredini shall now make the entire incriminating document simply disappear 1.2393 0.04159 163 132 23 8
2154 Pay no attention to the buzzing 1.2391 0.03985 184 150 24 10
2155 And now for my incredible Banksy trick! 1.2390 0.04502 159 132 16 11
2156 Affidavit-cadabra 1.2390 0.04133 159 128 24 7
2157 It's just doesn't have the same pizzazz as using the rabbit. 1.2390 0.03936 159 126 28 5
2158 I shred, therefore I am. 1.2390 0.03936 159 126 28 5
2159 And this, ladies and gents, will turn the Trump-Putin translator's notes into TP, before our very eyes. 1.2389 0.03808 180 144 29 7
2160 We've finally got a voting rights act that will make America great again! 1.2387 0.04102 155 124 25 6
2161 First, I shred my marriage license; then, behold, as I make half my belongings disappear. 1.2387 0.04102 155 124 25 6
2162 Now, into the ballot box it goes and shreddo 1.2387 0.04203 155 125 23 7
2163 Disappeared...Shredded...I didn't finish magic school. 1.2387 0.04102 155 124 25 6
2164 And ta-dah! Your mortgage application has been rejected! Thank you for choosing Copperfield and Henning for your banking needs. 1.2386 0.03864 176 141 28 7
2165 Et voila! My corporate tax bill instantly disappears! 1.2386 0.03692 176 139 32 5
2166 Sorry folks, but apparently the IRS is on its way, and I’m afraid ‘abra cadabra’ just won’t cut it.” 1.2386 0.04028 176 143 24 9
2167 Now watch closely as I turn this shredded paper into a legitimate candidate... 1.2386 0.04028 176 143 24 9
2168 I can make anybody’s tax returns disappear! 1.2386 0.03692 176 139 32 5
2169 Watch as I change this simple piece of paper into a million dollar Bansky for you. 1.2384 0.04064 151 120 26 5
2170 And NOW––it's a jam. 1.2384 0.04091 172 140 23 9
2171 There goes the United States Constitution. 1.2381 0.03982 168 135 26 7
2172 Trust me, Hillary, this should do the trick. 1.2381 0.03982 168 135 26 7
2173 And watch the tax returns- DISAPPEAR! 1.2381 0.03686 189 151 31 7
2174 You're toast. 1.2381 0.04353 147 119 21 7
2175 I now give you... the president's tax returns! 1.2381 0.03982 168 135 26 7
2176 And, presto, the paper un-shreds right into my hand! 1.2381 0.04157 168 137 22 9
2177 With a wave of the wand, I insert the paper into the magic box and, voila, the national debt has disappeared. Thank you -- I'll be appearing on Capital Hill all week! 1.2381 0.03891 168 134 28 6
2178 Heh, Trump thought this really worked on his tax returns. 1.2381 0.03450 189 148 37 4
2179 And voila! Along with my interpreter's notes, evidence of treason disappears! 1.2378 0.03815 185 149 28 8
2180 Ta da.....and next I will disappear the rabbit 1.2378 0.04225 164 134 21 9
2181 So I shred the 'fake news,' like so, wave my wand and say "Nostrovia" for our Russian friends listening in and then...Tada! The paper comes back out as favorable news! 1.2378 0.04313 164 135 19 10
2182 Nothing to worry to worry about folks, I moonlight as the President’s tax attorney. And a magician never reveals his secrets, unless it’s to the special counsel. So here we go. Abracadabra! 1.2378 0.04044 164 132 25 7
2183 And before your very eyes, watch as I make these sensitive documents disappear! 1.2378 0.03656 164 128 33 3
2184 I wave my magic wand and Presto! Out comes a Banksy! 1.2376 0.04025 181 148 23 10
2185 We're gonna recycle your vote. 1.2375 0.03708 160 125 32 3
2186 I call this trick is the Banksy. 1.2375 0.04297 160 131 20 9
2187 Don't worry,Helen. It worked on YouTube. 1.2375 0.04297 160 131 20 9
2188 And out comes a new prenuptial agreement. 1.2375 0.04297 160 131 20 9
2189 Watch as my assistant's restraining order magically disappears! 1.2375 0.04110 160 129 24 7
2190 VOILA, President Trump's 2016 tax return. 1.2374 0.04633 139 114 17 8
2191 My god! That's my only copy of the Gettysburg Address! 1.2374 0.03715 198 160 29 9
2192 There are options to gerrymandering, Sylvia. 1.2373 0.03760 177 141 30 6
2193 For my next act I will shred a Banksy. 1.2373 0.04165 177 146 20 11
2194 Presto! This simple shredded paper will now transmogrify into Donald Trump's complete 2018 Federal tax return. 1.2372 0.04647 156 131 13 12
2195 Don't worry, we should have this wand in working order when it's time to saw you in half. 1.2370 0.03725 173 137 31 5
2196 Not as dramatic, but sure beats the last guy sawing me in half. 1.2370 0.03814 173 138 29 6
2197 And next my lovely assistant will step into the shredder. 1.2370 0.03986 173 140 25 8
2198 Voila! As Mr. Trump says, "your subpoena is shreded so you are free to go!" 1.2368 0.04147 152 122 24 6
2199 Fig. 2. Constitutional law and stagecraft do not mix. 1.2368 0.04251 152 123 22 7
2200 Now, who wants coleslaw? 1.2366 0.03719 186 149 30 7
2201 Listen Honey, I'm happy to help but if you really want to make your jury duty disappear then just wear that outfit down to the court... 1.2365 0.04431 148 121 19 8
2202 And now, for my final trick, I'll make his tax returns....DISAPPEAR! 1.2365 0.04108 148 118 25 5
2203 Behold! As I turn this ordinary piece of paper into festive confetti! 1.2364 0.03929 165 132 27 6
2204 And Presto! The judge will not be able to find a shred of evidence to convict you! 1.2364 0.03737 165 130 31 4
2205 For my next act, I will make Trump’s tax returns disappear 1.2364 0.04113 165 134 23 8
2206 Now as I promised, you can see that all your social security numbers are being completely shredded. 1.2364 0.03929 165 132 27 6
2207 For my next trick-- How to disappear one hour of colusion with Russia... 1.2363 0.03850 182 147 27 8
2208 In goes the marriage certificate, and viola! We're no longer man and wife! 1.2361 0.04406 144 117 20 7
2209 Secretary of Magic "And for my next trick the Robert Mueller Investigation" 1.2361 0.04180 144 115 24 5
2210 I started using paper for this trick after 1 unfortunate loss of a rabbit. 1.2361 0.04406 144 117 20 7
2211 Much like the scandal, the lesser-known 'Iran-Contra' trick, continues to leave audiences shocked and astounded. 1.2360 0.03581 161 125 34 2
2212 Wordsmithing! 1.2360 0.03741 178 142 30 6
2213 Sawing a beautiful woman in half has become too costly and time consuming. 1.2360 0.03741 178 142 30 6
2214 We say the magic words, “Collusion's Illusion” and – Hey Presto! – the evidence disappears! 1.2360 0.03567 178 140 34 4
2215 Now I’ll wave my magic wand, and watch the evidence disappear! 1.2360 0.03907 178 144 26 8
2216 Donald the Great: "You see a State of the Union address, Nancy? Covfefe! Now you don't." 1.2360 0.03907 178 144 26 8
2217 ...and so, to make this transition to the paperless office, we’ll be distributing magic wands to all company associates.” 1.2360 0.03741 178 142 30 6
2218 For my next trick I’ll turn my assistant’s and my marriage license into a divorce decree! 1.2359 0.03604 195 156 32 7
2219 Another illusion on the cutting edge! 1.2357 0.04055 157 126 25 6
2220 If I can't read the bad news, then it disappears 1.2357 0.04055 157 126 25 6
2221 and when this reappears, it will be a perfectly toasted piece of artisan bread! 1.2357 0.04055 157 126 25 6
2222 It will reappear in the cloud at the moment I attain my Go Fund Me target. 1.2357 0.04055 157 126 25 6
2223 Aren't you taking a bit too far,with this whole dress-for-the-job-you-want-thing,Ben? 1.2357 0.04155 157 127 23 7
2224 And the magic word is FAKE NEWS 1.2357 0.04055 157 126 25 6
2225 Nothing is lost, nothing is added. 1.2357 0.03953 157 125 27 5
2226 I'm gonna ask my lovely assistant to watch herself please. Making this document reappear is one thing. Her thumb is another story. 1.2356 0.03522 174 136 35 3
2227 I will now place this ordinary subpoena into the box without reading the amount I owe my ex-wife. 1.2356 0.03881 174 140 27 7
2228 And next I will make a rabbit disappear! 1.2356 0.03794 174 139 29 6
2229 !arbadacarbA 1.2353 0.03850 170 136 28 6
2230 and presto, we have shredded your old birth certificate and you are now 21. 1.2353 0.03759 170 135 30 5
2231 Behold as the corporate hocus pocus of Theranos turns this once valuable stock certificate into hamster litter. 1.2353 0.03850 170 136 28 6
2232 ''Abra Cadabra we're divorced.'' 1.2350 0.03750 200 163 27 10
2233 evidence, schmedivence 1.2349 0.03717 166 131 31 4
2234 I can make it disappear but it would take a real magician to make it reappear. 1.2349 0.04001 166 134 25 7
2235 Hmmm making that rabbit disappear was a lot messier. 1.2349 0.03908 166 133 27 6
2236 My assistant will take this ungainly proposed legislation - and reassemble it into a coherent document. 1.2349 0.04001 166 134 25 7
2237 And abracadabra your ballet has been tampered! 1.2349 0.04091 166 135 23 8
2238 My assistant will open the shredder in 30 seconds and find the inserted page shredded and 10 copies of it completely intact! 1.2349 0.04001 166 134 25 7
2239 Unfortunately, the Constitution is no longer worth the paper it's written on. 1.2349 0.04193 149 120 23 6
2240 Where does it say you can't claim rabbits as dependents? 1.2349 0.04193 149 120 23 6
2241 You'll find out why magician assistants have such a high turnover rate when we switch to the rabbit. 1.2349 0.04084 149 119 25 5
2242 They say you can’t make taxes disappear. 1.2346 0.03637 179 142 32 5
2243 In case you were wondering, Oliver North taught me this trick. 1.2346 0.03722 179 143 30 6
2244 Once we upgraded the operating system, the dove flew off and took the hat. 1.2346 0.03887 179 145 26 8
2245 Now I pull a perfect copy out of my Reverse Shredder. 1.2346 0.04158 162 132 22 8
2246 A "50 percent off" coupon toward a rabbit of your choice. 1.2346 0.04064 162 131 24 7
2247 Why should I saw you in half my dear when I can just shred our license. 1.2343 0.03861 175 141 27 7
2248 Abracadabra....and the winner is,Vladamir Putin. 1.2343 0.03597 175 138 33 4
2249 Picasso, "The urge to destroy is a creative urge." 1.2343 0.03861 175 141 27 7
2250 Due to the delay in my federal magician's subsidy, I will be performing presto-change-O Lite. 1.2342 0.04228 158 129 21 8
2251 Now watch this! Old boring stuff becomes hot news! 1.2342 0.04322 158 130 19 9
2252 The real magic is me getting the paper I am shredding. Everyone has been trying to get these tax returns. 1.2342 0.04131 158 128 23 7
2253 Here goes my assistant’s contract. 1.2342 0.03827 158 125 29 4
2254 And now, I'll turn this everyday office memo into glorious confetti! 1.2340 0.04227 141 113 23 5
2255 It's called the Enron vanish. 1.2339 0.03830 171 137 28 6
2256 My chances of ever getting a date again. 1.2339 0.03919 171 138 26 7
2257 Where's the rabbit? 1.2338 0.03994 154 123 26 5
2258 For my next trick I will make the US constitution disappear! 1.2338 0.04398 154 127 18 9
2259 Abracataxfraud! 1.2338 0.04099 154 124 24 6
2260 The tricky part is putting the pieces back together again. 1.2335 0.03979 167 135 25 7
2261 This is much nicer...the rabbit doesn't fit well in the shredder! 1.2335 0.03887 167 134 27 6
2262 As the election judge, I can do what I want with any ballot. 1.2333 0.03619 180 143 32 5
2263 Now I'll make you're vote disappear. 1.2333 0.03532 180 142 34 4
2264 Flip the switch while I distract them with my wand. 1.2333 0.04274 150 122 21 7
2265 ‘Boring’, I hear you say. Well, next is the Bunny in my hat. 1.2333 0.03868 180 146 26 8
2266 If this doesn't work, I'm toast. 1.2333 0.03619 180 143 32 5
2267 And voila! You pay no tax! 1.2331 0.04135 163 133 22 8
2268 And Now for a Masterpiece 1.2331 0.04314 163 135 18 10
2269 I really don't understand how Banksy did it 1.2331 0.03750 163 129 30 4
2270 Don't worry, I'm only going to shred you in half. 1.2330 0.03487 176 138 35 3
2271 The Great Bandoni mistakenly shreds priceless historical document while hiding a worthless copy up his sleeve 1.2330 0.03925 176 143 25 8
2272 Abracadabra Alakazam Shred these tax papers Hiding the scam 1.2330 0.04087 176 145 21 10
2273 Abracadabra, the secret to this trick is now unshredded..alacazam, it's the rabbit's resignation letter! 1.2330 0.04007 176 144 23 9
2274 Hocus POTUS, Alakasham, say them with me folks, Abracallusion, Vladiflimflam. 1.2330 0.04243 176 147 17 12
2275 And now, observe as I turn this into a cloud. 1.2328 0.03817 189 154 26 9
2276 Ladies and gentlemen, my probation officer gave me this idea after I sawed my last assistant in half. 1.2327 0.04204 159 130 21 8
2277 Technology has really put a damper on the vanishing act. 1.2327 0.04010 159 128 25 6
2278 I'm sending an encrypted message that will now appear in plain text on your smartphones. 1.2326 0.03810 172 138 28 6
2279 WaLa,it disappears just like during the 2000 election 1.2326 0.03810 172 138 28 6
2280 I am now adding artistic value to junk mail 1.2324 0.03794 185 150 27 8
2281 An for my next trick, I’ll make my debts disappear! 1.2324 0.03716 185 149 29 7
2282 When my attorney said he could make my student debt disappear, I had envisioned something a little more legitimate 1.2324 0.04432 142 116 19 7
2283 Well if this doesn't throw Mueller off our trail, I don't know what will. 1.2323 0.04177 155 126 22 7
2284 And this shredder works on reputations as well as names! 1.2323 0.03971 155 124 26 5
2285 Next time listen more closely - I asked for the shredder, not the toaster. 1.2323 0.04177 155 126 22 7
2286 Watch closely as I shred my assistant's contract, and then we will see if she can reassemble it in 30 seconds. There are no copies. 1.2323 0.04276 155 127 20 8
2287 Abracadabra...watch my impeachment disappear! 1.2323 0.03864 155 123 28 4
2288 ...with help from my trusty assistant Hillary. 1.2321 0.04134 168 138 21 9
2289 Screw you Mueller 1.2321 0.04134 168 138 21 9
2290 Houdini didn’t have to worry about hackers and identity theft. 1.2321 0.03678 168 133 31 4
2291 Before going into real estate, Fred used to be a magician. 1.2321 0.04047 168 137 23 8
2292 And what have we here? An unshredding 'dear john' letter? 1.2321 0.03867 168 135 27 6
2293 For my next trick, I shall make my surprisingly litigious assistant’s lawsuit disappear. 1.2321 0.03958 168 136 25 7
2294 And now, I make the evidence of collusion disappear! 1.2318 0.03925 151 120 27 4
2295 And now, to make the tax return of Individual 1 disappear ... 1.2318 0.04144 151 122 23 6
2296 Next, we will try to analyze a phone bill. 1.2317 0.04112 164 134 22 8
2297 And with that I will make this lawsuit disappear. 1.2316 0.03737 177 142 29 6
2298 No, this isn't a trick. This is for security purposes. 1.2316 0.03822 177 143 27 7
2299 They sure don’t make magic wands like they used to. 1.2316 0.03650 177 141 31 5
2300 If I can nail this, I’ve got a big gig over at Facebook lined up after this. 1.2316 0.03737 177 142 29 6
2301 Can we plug this in? 1.2316 0.03737 177 142 29 6
2302 Magic, it can help you avoid both death and taxes! 1.2316 0.03649 190 153 30 7
2303 I guess Donald just likes the aesthetic of a magician making his tax returns disappear... 1.2312 0.03887 160 128 27 5
2304 And for my last trick, I will make your tax returns disappear! 1.2312 0.03785 160 127 29 4
2305 The magic may be gone from our marriage, but who says you can’t bring a little magic to divorce? 1.2312 0.03887 160 128 27 5
2306 Can’t speak for democracy, but voter suppression has been a boon for us magicians. 1.2312 0.03964 173 141 24 8
2307 Abracadabra Only shreds of evidence left. 1.2312 0.03878 173 140 26 7
2308 ... and watch as I shred my New Year's resolution list 1.2312 0.03701 173 138 30 5
2309 And just like that, Miss Adams.....Viola! Your contract with me is up! 1.2312 0.03619 186 149 31 6
2310 And now, I will make our marriage...disappear! 1.2308 0.04052 156 126 24 6
2311 Magician BANKSY! 1.2308 0.03498 182 144 34 4
2312 And now my assistant will help me shred the evidence. 1.2308 0.04251 156 128 20 8
2313 A magician never reveals his vote. 1.2308 0.03667 182 146 30 6
2314 Now you've all seen Trump's tax return. 1.2308 0.03937 169 137 25 7
2315 Ta da! And those critics thought I couldn't make anything disappear. 1.2308 0.04251 156 128 20 8
2316 And Presto a Banksy Original 1.2308 0.03846 169 136 27 6
2317 ...and, finally, the only signed copy of that codicil to the Bezos' pre-nup. 1.2308 0.03948 156 125 26 5
2318 The rubber chicken told me to shred everything. 1.2308 0.03937 169 137 25 7
2319 And the document now will vanish...subpoena-cadabra. 1.2308 0.03846 169 136 27 6
2320 And just like that all of your bills will disappear 1.2303 0.03966 178 146 23 9
2321 It's magical, the votes vanish and the hares appear tomorrow. 1.2303 0.03710 165 131 30 4
2322 ...and make it reappear, ladies and gentlemen, still as a divorce decree, but now with me getting custody of Mr. Floppy Bun." 1.2303 0.04089 165 135 22 8
2323 I wish Ted would drop it with these silly outfits — as if wearing them somehow magically makes this legal. 1.2303 0.03710 165 131 30 4
2324 May this caption deserve a short life at the bottom of a hampster cage”. 1.2303 0.03904 165 133 26 6
2325 Banksky: His Pre-Artist Phase. 1.2303 0.03998 165 134 24 7
2326 As I wave my magic wand and insert the ballot, I utter that magic word abra-electoral-cadabra 1.2303 0.03904 165 133 26 6
2327 No need for magic when you can make things disappear this way. 1.2303 0.03904 165 133 26 6
2328 If i were in politics, my tax cuts would be spectacular 1.2303 0.03904 165 133 26 6
2329 And when I say Banksy, put your tongue in it. 1.2303 0.04089 165 135 22 8
2330 Abra-ca-electoral college. 1.2303 0.03808 165 132 28 5
2331 And voila...I have saved his resume on file. 1.2303 0.04223 152 124 21 7
2332 And now I will make all fiduciary liability disappear. 1.2303 0.04223 152 124 21 7
2333 Please, ladies and gentlemen, do not attempt this trick at home, . . . at least for seven years after you file. 1.2303 0.03788 152 120 29 3
2334 The real wonder is why we still print things in the first place? 1.2302 0.04125 139 111 24 4
2335 Full Disclosure, One page at a time. 1.2302 0.03996 139 110 26 3
2336 If you keep holding on to that document, your hand is going to be REALLY small. 1.2299 0.03833 187 153 25 9
2337 Doris, get your thumb out of the way or else this won’t work. 1.2299 0.03601 187 150 31 6
2338 Why yes, my cousin is Banksy - why do you ask? 1.2299 0.04027 174 143 22 9
2339 I hope you’ve enjoyed the Trump magic show! For my grand finale: Into the shredder with the U.S. Constitution! Aaaaaand… Presto! Out it com…. Uh, oh… ehhhh… Presto! Uh… Something’s gone… Hmmmmmmmmm…. 1.2299 0.03858 174 141 26 7
2340 Behold as I make my IRS tax forms- disappear! 1.2299 0.03943 174 142 24 8
2341 Maybe this time the damm rabbit will come out instead of that orange haired thing! 1.2299 0.03858 174 141 26 7
2342 The rabbit has died, we should have stayed with the hat." 1.2299 0.03771 174 140 28 6
2343 And now, with this simple act, I will make my career disappear. 1.2299 0.03858 174 141 26 7
2344 This illusion was a lot more exciting before I ran out of rabbits.” 1.2298 0.04428 161 135 15 11
2345 And shazzam! The last piece of evidence magically disappears. 1.2298 0.03764 161 128 29 4
2346 Now they'll never read what I did to that rabbit! 1.2298 0.03866 161 129 27 5
2347 The Attorney General assured me that this trick would work. Even gave me the paper. 1.2298 0.04249 161 133 19 9
2348 I shall now shred this document, along with the thumb of my assistant........ 1.2297 0.04190 148 120 22 6
2349 Now watch closely as this piece of paper will be recycled into a wall. 1.2296 0.03641 196 159 29 8
2350 ‘Well here goes Donald’s billet doux to Stormy’ 1.2295 0.04040 183 152 20 11
2351 Watch this restraining order magically disappear. 1.2295 0.03811 183 149 26 8
2352 This lovely volunteer from the audience has agreed to let me make her ballot disappear. 1.2295 0.03889 183 150 24 9
2353 The magic of progressiveism meet the shredder of politics. 1.2295 0.03731 183 148 28 7
2354 Tis I, the Magical Michael Cohen. 1.2295 0.03889 183 150 24 9
2355 And now. I'll make my lovely assistant's identity disappear. 1.2294 0.03826 170 137 27 6
2356 And for this next trick, I will make my student loans disappear. 1.2294 0.03542 170 134 33 3
2357 And for my next trick I’ll make his tax returns appear. 1.2294 0.03916 170 138 25 7
2358 Now pretend this is paper is my assistant and I'm sawing her in half. 1.2293 0.04028 157 127 24 6
2359 As I told Trump, with the touch of a wand and the help of shredder, I could make the Mueller report disappear. 1.2292 0.03615 192 155 30 7
2360 Phew. Last time I pulled out a rabbit. 1.2291 0.03614 179 143 31 5
2361 I will now make the translator's notes of the meeting with Putin disappear. No, I'm not a expert magician, but I did sleep at a White House last night. 1.2291 0.03866 179 146 25 8
2362 And with a tap of my wand this harrasment claim against me will disappear. 1.2291 0.03783 179 145 27 7
2363 This was the form that said I can't turn anyone into a frog,right? 1.2291 0.03700 179 144 29 6
2364 It's a coll-u-u-u-sion. 1.2289 0.04328 166 139 16 11
2365 Banksy has nothing on me. 1.2289 0.03788 166 133 28 5
2366 Watch me make Trump's tax returns disappear. 1.2289 0.03788 166 133 28 5
2367 And now I, the Great-Outstanding-Phillip, will make this mail-in ballot disappear! 1.2288 0.03879 153 122 27 4
2368 And for my next trick I give you 'The Michael Cohen Fever Dream' 1.2288 0.03988 153 123 25 5
2369 Now watch carefully as I make these song lyrics disappear........wait, OH NO, they are JAMMING. 1.2286 0.03923 175 143 24 8
2370 you can catch my next trick at the Governor Mansion in Georgia 1.2286 0.04006 175 144 22 9
2371 Now, please watch carefully as I escape from taxes. 1.2286 0.03923 175 143 24 8
2372 One, two, three...Abracabanksy ! 1.2284 0.03624 197 160 29 8
2373 For my next trick, I’ll make my tax returns disappear! 1.2284 0.03695 197 161 27 9
2374 Wearing Lincoln's hat doesn't give you the right to shred the Constitution, Mr. Trump! And what's with the bowtie? 1.2284 0.04133 162 133 21 8
2375 And this is how we get rid of toxic masculinity. 1.2284 0.03844 162 130 27 5
2376 Not part of the act, ladies and gentlemen... I just love to shred. 1.2284 0.03844 162 130 27 5
2377 Ok. Not what I saw myself doing at this point in my life but my high school leotard still fits. 1.2282 0.03824 149 118 28 3
2378 And in my next act I will show how one makes an email disappear! 1.2281 0.03895 171 139 25 7
2379 Abracadabra, it's now great art 1.2281 0.04152 171 142 19 10
2380 And for my next trick, I will attempt to make this jury summons disappear... 1.2281 0.03982 171 140 23 8
2381 And then we shred the shredder. 1.2281 0.03621 171 136 31 4
2382 But first, I'll make this cease-and-desist order disappear. 1.2281 0.03806 171 138 27 6
2383 I can make the information on this page reappear on computers everywhere 1.2281 0.03895 171 139 25 7
2384 And now I will make the Constitional Republic reappear 1.2279 0.04299 136 110 21 5
2385 I like to start the show with easier tricks. 1.2278 0.04005 158 128 24 6
2386 Next we cut the translator in half. 1.2278 0.03799 158 126 28 4
2387 And now, watch me make this subpoena disappear! 1.2278 0.03903 158 127 26 5
2388 I shall now make this state dept. translator's notes disappear. 1.2278 0.04005 158 128 24 6
2389 Don't cry. Now we can both be president. 1.2278 0.04202 158 130 20 8
2390 And now I will shred my tax returns. Back to magic in a minute. 1.2278 0.03596 180 144 31 5
2391 And now using my magic anti-Mueller box, I will make this event disappear! 1.2278 0.03846 180 147 25 8
2392 For my next trick, I'm going to make the Mueller Report disappear 1.2278 0.03681 180 145 29 6
2393 Presto! No more hassle from the ASPCA! 1.2276 0.04123 145 117 23 5
2394 And with the wave of my wand, your affidavit will disappear! 1.2276 0.03758 145 114 29 2
2395 and now I will save Trump's tax return 1.2275 0.03955 167 136 24 7
2396 Yes, a President did show me how to shred ballots... 1.2275 0.03955 167 136 24 7
2397 And now ... I'll put my traffic ticket into the shredder, and later, you'll see, as by miracle, ... I'll get a brand-new new ticket! 1.2275 0.04133 167 138 20 9
2398 I'd like to add you to my LinkedIn network 1.2275 0.04045 167 137 22 8
2399 Before your very eyes, your paycheck shall disappear" 1.2275 0.04045 167 137 22 8
2400 My final curtain call is to pull a shred of human decency from these Panama Papers. 1.2273 0.03818 176 143 26 7
2401 And Presto! Evidence of collusion has vanished! 1.2273 0.04274 154 127 19 8
2402 I shall now magically change this summons for Jury Duty into a plate of delicious scrambled eggs. 1.2273 0.03732 176 142 28 6
2403 Relax. Just put on your best, “This is how we vote now,” smile. 1.2273 0.03644 176 141 30 5
2404 ... and – Hey Presto! – the bad reviews become ticker-tape! 1.2273 0.03857 154 123 27 4
2405 Abracadabra there goes another Republican vote. 1.2273 0.03857 154 123 27 4
2406 Wait! These are Trump-Putin notes! 1.2273 0.03903 176 144 24 8
2407 Abracadabra my ass! 1.2273 0.04372 154 128 17 9
2408 It's just as amazing, but much easier than sawing you in half. 1.2270 0.03773 185 151 26 8
2409 I will now saw this paper in half and half again and half again and half again and half again and half again and half again and half again and half again and half again and half again and half again. 1.2270 0.03850 185 152 24 9
2410 Presto! Don't forget kids, it works for chore lists, report cards, AND tax returns! Now that's real magic. 1.2270 0.03921 163 132 25 6
2411 And now I'll make my tax problems disappear! 1.2270 0.03823 163 131 27 5
2412 See? I can make IRS audits disappear too. 1.2267 0.03961 172 141 23 8
2413 And with a wave of my wand, I will make your vote... disappear!" - GO 1.2267 0.04046 172 142 21 9
2414 I will now shred all the records of tonight's ticket sales. 1.2267 0.03602 172 137 31 4
2415 'And now, I will make my taxes disappear.' 1.2267 0.03602 172 137 31 4
2416 And for my next trick, I will make this cease and desist notice disappear 1.2267 0.03786 172 139 27 6
2417 We've got to bury the evidence first, then the rabbit. 1.2267 0.04030 150 121 24 5
2418 And here we have our prenup back again, as good as new. 1.2267 0.03917 150 120 26 4
2419 I will now make my attorneys' fees disappear! 1.2264 0.03882 159 128 26 5
2420 Presto Change-o fraud indictment Disappear-o! 1.2264 0.04081 159 130 22 7
2421 After working thirty years as a magician, I can finally make my mortgage disappear. 1.2264 0.04178 159 131 20 8
2422 The sex therapist said to try new things. 1.2264 0.04178 159 131 20 8
2423 I am holding our national audience as witnesses that I have delivered President Trump's tax returns directly to Congress. 1.2264 0.04272 159 132 18 9
2424 The last paper we will ever read 1.2264 0.03983 159 129 24 6
2425 And for my next trick, I'll make this prenuptial contract disappear before Soon-to-Be-Ex-Mrs.-The-Great-Zambini's eyes... 1.2264 0.03882 159 128 26 5
2426 And now, watch all my bills disappear. Tadaaa!!! 1.2263 0.03628 190 154 29 7
2427 I will now change the translator notes from English to Cyrillic. 1.2262 0.03933 168 137 24 7
2428 This next trick eliminates wordiness in a flash. 1.2262 0.03842 168 136 26 6
2429 And once the contract is shredded, I will totally disappear from this miserable venue! 1.2262 0.03933 168 137 24 7
2430 Abracadabra. Watch me make those ballots disappear! 1.2260 0.03799 177 144 26 7
2431 It’s magic! The printer works! 1.2260 0.03883 177 145 24 8
2432 I'm testing this before I make my lovely assistant disappear. 1.2260 0.03536 177 141 32 4
2433 And for our next trick, Janice and I will fight over custody of our son. 1.2258 0.03677 186 151 28 7
2434 Very clever how the toaster exposes the secret ink! 1.2258 0.03597 186 150 30 6
2435 Thank God the rabbit actually disappeared. 1.2258 0.03942 155 125 25 5
2436 I'm hoping that by shredding this contract bid for a border wall, the President will magically become Mr. Rogers. 1.2256 0.04087 164 135 21 8
2437 Hocus pocus marriage license toasta 1.2256 0.03703 164 131 29 4
2438 And now, with assistance from my girlfriend Gayle, I will make my child-support payments disappear. 1.2256 0.04266 164 137 17 10
2439 I think that noise means the bin's full 1.2256 0.03994 164 134 23 7
2440 I may need someone from the IRS for the next part of this trick 1.2256 0.03900 164 133 25 6
2441 Oh, the magic of tax time! 1.2256 0.03638 133 103 30 0
2442 Mister President, imagine these are Articles of Impeachment... 1.2254 0.03766 173 140 27 6
2443 Watch my assistant put these shreds together and pull out a rabbit 1.2254 0.03583 173 138 31 4
2444 Abracadabra, alakazam. Disappear my assistant's contract and sonogram." 1.2254 0.03766 173 140 27 6
2445 And now to make this bill disappear. 1.2254 0.03676 173 139 29 5
2446 Your document can disappear just like this subpoena for a one hundred dollar donation. 1.2254 0.04025 173 143 21 9
2447 Now that we know the machine works, I shall make Jaylene disappear. 1.2254 0.03676 173 139 29 5
2448 Some Democrats have cast doubts on congressional Republicans’ new plan to help federal employees manage their bills during the government shutdown. 1.2253 0.03887 182 150 23 9
2449 And now my greatest trick, making Trump's tax returns disappear 1.2253 0.03561 182 146 31 5
2450 Let's try our marriage certificate. It's a win, either way. 1.2253 0.03645 182 147 29 6
2451 Now I'll restore the paper, and a doctor in the house will do the same to my assistant's thumb. 1.2253 0.03727 182 148 27 7
2452 Hold ‘er steady, Karen. We’re only chapter two. 1.2253 0.03727 182 148 27 7
2453 And bibbiddi-bobbiddi-boom! My financial struggles have mysteriously disappeared. For my next trick I shall fly.....To the Cayman Islands. 1.2250 0.03860 160 129 26 5
2454 Thanks! My wand is broken. 1.2250 0.03757 160 128 28 4
2455 Presto chango shredo. 1.2250 0.04154 160 132 20 8
2456 Nothing up the sleeves, and, Ta-Dum! Look, no redaction needed! 1.2249 0.03821 169 137 26 6
2457 Like they say, fake it till you make it. 1.2249 0.03912 169 138 24 7
2458 Lets hope magic works this time. 1.2249 0.04001 169 139 22 8
2459 Yes, I am with the government, and I am here to help you. 1.2249 0.03821 169 137 26 6
2460 I guess they're right, this electronic age is shear magic. 1.2247 0.03695 178 144 28 6
2461 This new trick is called "The Presidential Tax Return" and if I do it right, it ends up in David Blaine's stomach. 1.2247 0.03863 178 146 24 8
2462 Except for the blood, this was much better trick when I used a rabbit. 1.2245 0.04072 147 119 23 5
2463 Abraca...Deborah...could ya give it a little shake... 1.2245 0.03832 196 163 22 11
2464 Take that, Toastmasters Club. 1.2244 0.04024 156 127 23 6
2465 Dispatching with a hocus-pocus, this presidential Twitter opus. 1.2244 0.03920 156 126 25 5
2466 Viola, the interpreter's notes: COLLUSION 1.2244 0.04125 156 128 21 7
2467 I'm going to make our marriage licence disappear... and tada... I'm single again! 1.2244 0.04125 156 128 21 7
2468 An audience member has given me the only copy of his tax returns in existence. He is a VIP who holds one of the most powerful positions in the world, but I am not at liberty to use his real name. 1.2242 0.03973 165 135 23 7
2469 I've demonstrated that sawing a woman in half isn't criminal while holding this wand. Now for my next trick... 1.2242 0.03878 165 134 25 6
2470 I never really believed in this Democracy nonsense anyway. 1.2242 0.03683 165 132 29 4
2471 It's magic how we can make these tax records disappear. 1.2241 0.03834 174 142 25 7
2472 Now you see it... Soon you won’t. As featured on America’s Not Talent. 1.2241 0.03747 174 141 27 6
2473 The real magic is in step two: avoiding the IRS 1.2241 0.03834 174 142 25 7
2474 Now I will make my criminal record disappear. 1.2241 0.03565 174 139 31 4
2475 And for my next act, I shall make my taxes disappear. 1.2241 0.03747 174 141 27 6
2476 This is how I made Trump think we were shredding the Mueller report. 1.2237 0.04090 152 124 22 6
2477 I will now make jury duty disappear! 1.2236 0.03630 161 128 30 3
2478 For a nominal fee I will make all your bills irretrievably disappear. 1.2235 0.03980 170 140 22 8
2479 Yes! It looks like a shredder, sounds and acts like a shredder. But Ladies and Gentlemen: Have no doubt. I assure you my vote will still count! 1.2235 0.04066 170 141 20 9
2480 This is no illusion folks, this is Enron at it's finest! 1.2235 0.03980 170 140 22 8
2481 And now, before your very eyes, I'll make our pre nup disappear... 1.2235 0.03613 170 136 30 4
2482 Abra-dabra -papershacabra 1.2235 0.03801 170 138 26 6
2483 Tax return? There is no tax return! 1.2235 0.03801 170 138 26 6
2484 And now , Ladies and Gentleman, you will see how this antique ink-jet printer from 2002 prints its fifth page in a row without a cartridge change. 1.2235 0.03843 179 147 24 8
2485 How one man prepares to imitate Donald Trump speaking. 1.2235 0.03924 179 148 22 9
2486 And for my final act, I'll make our marriage license disappear 1.2235 0.03501 179 143 32 4
2487 Tell Abe to vote ballet" (palindrome! 1.2234 0.03482 188 151 32 5
2488 Mueller’s report, vanished! 1.2230 0.03932 148 119 25 4
2489 And, as I said to the auditor, '"Presto!' 1.2229 0.04101 157 129 21 7
2490 Watch my latest trick: unshredding evidence! 1.2229 0.03951 166 136 23 7
2491 And now I will make your prenup magically disappear 1.2229 0.03562 166 132 31 3
2492 My To Do list disappears like magic! 1.2229 0.03815 175 143 25 7
2493 Now all I need is to say the magic word - abrrrcrrrddrrbbrrrrr 1.2229 0.03728 175 142 27 6
2494 ...one can come up with most any excuse to meet a half naked blond! 1.2228 0.03652 193 158 27 8
2495 Now for my next trick, watch your paycheck shred right before your eyes. 1.2228 0.03423 193 155 33 5
2496 This trick's a lot more complicated than the one where we saw a woman into just two parts. 1.2228 0.03501 193 156 31 6
2497 And now, ladies and gentlemen, the subpoena about the incident in Orlando will disappear. 1.2222 0.03781 171 139 26 6
2498 This way, Kellyanne, nobody will ask for my dad’s tax return anymore! 1.2222 0.04107 162 134 20 8
2499 Audience, you are now watching my divorce summons disappear. 1.2222 0.04013 162 133 22 7
2500 At Magic Shred, I feel valued for the skill set I bring to the job of document disappearance. 1.2222 0.03211 198 157 38 3
2501 And now I'm going to turn this marriage certificate into divorce papers. 1.2222 0.03849 153 123 26 4
2502 Carl, did you make the rabbit disapear too? 1.2222 0.04116 144 117 22 5
2503 Since this is a banking convention, I will shred my handkerchief, and all of you will receive a picture of a rabbit via email. 1.2222 0.04346 144 119 18 7
2504 This is another way to make that subpoena disappear. 1.2222 0.04066 153 125 22 6
2505 Watch as I turn my taxes into government policy. 1.2222 0.03871 171 140 24 7
2506 For my next trick, my expense report fiction vanishes forever! 1.2222 0.03916 162 132 24 6
2507 ... and here is my final trick: Making confetti out of paper! 1.2222 0.04233 144 118 20 6
2508 Critics agreed that The Great Torzinni had the first half of his tricks down cold. 1.2222 0.03817 162 131 26 5
2509 And now my tax evasion charges will disappear! 1.2222 0.03715 162 130 28 4
2510 I'm not as sure about death as I am about taxes. 1.2222 0.03715 162 130 28 4
2511 ...as I make a work of art emerge from the shredder. 1.2222 0.03849 153 123 26 4
2512 Ladies and Gentlemen, for your delectation: All The News That's Fit to Shred. 1.2222 0.03742 180 147 26 7
2513 And another woman who had an affair with Donald Trump confesses! 1.2222 0.03781 171 139 26 6
2514 I will now turn this damning evidence into FOIA-exempt evidence. 1.2222 0.03689 171 138 28 5
2515 So sorry folks, the lady I sawed in half was from IT! 1.2216 0.03561 194 158 29 7
2516 You want a trick? Shazam! Trump becomes president. 1.2216 0.03849 194 162 21 11
2517 Thank you for lifting that for me, if I bent down I may have dropped the cake off my head. 1.2216 0.03592 185 150 29 6
2518 Decompose, Ye, my tax returns. 1.2216 0.03592 185 150 29 6
2519 If this won't work, I'll just make the damn thing disappear 1.2216 0.03424 185 148 33 4
2520 And for my next trick, I'll need a piece of paper from the audience... 1.2216 0.03708 176 143 27 6
2521 ..and now the great Putin-ski will create a shredded salad with Russian dressing using just my tax returns 1.2216 0.03708 176 143 27 6
2522 For only $5 you too can watch your tax bill disappear. 1.2216 0.03795 176 144 25 7
2523 Watch carefully while I make my pre-nup disappear. 1.2216 0.03620 176 142 29 5
2524 Shredracadebra! 1.2216 0.03836 167 136 25 6
2525 And just like that, you owe thousands in back taxes! 1.2216 0.03836 167 136 25 6
2526 And again in 2020 the winner is... ! 1.2215 0.04078 158 130 21 7
2527 Tell the rabbit's agent, 'no deal!'" -Jim McRae, Montreal, Q 1.2215 0.03978 158 129 23 6
2528 Magician unaware of Manufacturer's Warning: This is an Oval office limited edition model. Documents are made whole after appearing to be shredded. 1.2215 0.04243 149 123 19 7
2529 And for my next trick I'll make tax returns disappear. 1.2215 0.03909 149 120 25 4
2530 And now, for my final trick, I will make the divorce papers disappear! 1.2211 0.03529 190 154 30 6
2531 The shredder is quicker than the eye. Watch this tax lien disappear. 1.2210 0.03554 181 146 30 5
2532 I will now make our marriage license magically disappear. 1.2210 0.03554 181 146 30 5
2533 A wave of the wand and, PRESTO!, the subpoena disappears. 1.2209 0.03850 172 141 24 7
2534 - Don't you worry honey, this trick will make your student debt disappear into thin air! 1.2209 0.03850 172 141 24 7
2535 Now for my next trick, watch my tax records disappear. Ala kazam!! 1.2209 0.03695 163 131 28 4
2536 And when I am done, ladies and gentleman, it will be confetti! 1.2209 0.03894 163 133 24 6
2537 Behold! 'Auditing' in progress." 1.2209 0.03796 163 132 26 5
2538 And the outcome of the 2020 presidential election, via The Trump Channel, is... 1.2209 0.04354 163 138 14 11
2539 Don't shred a tear for me. 1.2209 0.03796 163 132 26 5
2540 1, 2, 3, IRS DISAPPEAR 1.2208 0.03826 154 124 26 4
2541 Simply reverse the polarity of the shredder’s plug and Abracadabra! Your message returns... 1.2208 0.03597 154 122 30 2
2542 Mr. Georgie Porgie of puddin’ and pie fame: “Abracadabra...begone my list of girls I kissed and made to cry.” 1.2208 0.03936 154 125 24 5
2543 I am going to make Trump's tax returns disappear 1.2208 0.03936 154 125 24 5
2544 With this trick, we dissolve our marriage paperwork! Presto! Instant divorce. 1.2207 0.03723 145 115 28 2
2545 And with the wave of my wand, watch the incriminating evidence DISAPPEAR. 1.2204 0.03574 186 151 29 6
2546 Concentrate on the shredder and this piece of paper - out will pop a big beautiful wall. 1.2204 0.03733 186 153 25 8
2547 If Al Capone can make his taxes disappear, why can't I? 1.2203 0.03602 177 143 29 5
2548 Who controls the past controls the future: who controls the present controls the past 1.2203 0.03776 177 145 25 7
2549 I will now shred the instructions for how to do this trick. Uh-oh. 1.2202 0.03908 168 138 23 7
2550 I shall now make a piece of useless technology disappear. 1.2202 0.03816 168 137 25 6
2551 And now, the Magic Words: Abra-CaBanksy, Wanksy No Thanksy! 1.2202 0.04086 168 140 19 9
2552 ...and POOF! Your debt is gone! 1.2202 0.03624 168 135 29 4
2553 This was a great trick for me until Banksy hid the shredder in a picture frame. 1.2201 0.04054 159 131 21 7
2554 So much for your me-too allegations! 1.2201 0.03641 159 127 29 3
2555 In goes a Gillum ballot and abracadabra, out comes another DeSantis winner 1.2201 0.03853 159 129 25 5
2556 Let's pray to Banksy that I can get $1.37 million for this after it is shredded 1.2201 0.03955 159 130 23 6
2557 For my next escape trick, my assistant here will destroy the instructions for opening the air-tight shipping container. 1.2199 0.03666 191 157 26 8
2558 I will never reveal the secrets of my magic! Seriously, I won’t. 1.2198 0.03450 182 146 32 4
2559 After defeating You-Know-Who Harry Potter's career quickly went downhill. 1.2198 0.03786 182 150 24 8
2560 Now watch as I make this restraining order...disappear! 1.2197 0.03650 173 140 28 5
2561 Abracadabra, terms and conditions now apply! 1.2197 0.03917 173 143 22 8
2562 I am putting the Mueller Report in the fax machine. It will be sent to all the major media outlets and members of congress.” Said Barr the great. 1.2197 0.03830 173 142 24 7
2563 And now my next trick... making my divorce papers disappear. 1.2195 0.03873 164 134 24 6
2564 For my next trick I will move my right eyeball to the right of my nose. 1.2195 0.04062 164 136 20 8
2565 I'm using folks at the CIA to put these back together. 1.2195 0.03775 164 133 26 5
2566 Abra-cadabra, your New Years Resolutions will soon be toast. 1.2195 0.03775 164 133 26 5
2567 For my next trick, I shall make my credit card bill disappear! 1.2194 0.03692 155 124 28 3
2568 And now, as I stop the shredder halfway, this $49 Groupon for Duct Cleaning will become a $10,000 bathroom remodel. 1.2194 0.04018 155 127 22 6
2569 Voila! The shredded ballot is whole again! 1.2192 0.03700 146 116 28 2
2570 And for this trick, I'll make my legal troubles disappear! 1.2192 0.04065 146 119 22 5
2571 I will now transform these translator notes into a Moscow Mule" 1.2192 0.03700 146 116 28 2
2572 Your ballet will disappear before your eyes. 1.2192 0.04180 146 120 20 6
2573 abra kazam! Mister Rabbit isn't done disappearing until all evidence is destroyed. 1.2189 0.03795 169 138 25 6
2574 Ladies and gentlemen, watch as I make our prenup agreement disappear. 1.2189 0.03701 169 137 27 5
2575 Abraconfetti 1.2189 0.03977 169 140 21 8
2576 The last show of the night. 1.2189 0.03701 169 137 27 5
2577 Don't forget to hit "reverse" before we're on stage. 1.2189 0.03887 169 139 23 7
2578 And just like that, the tax return disappears! 1.2188 0.03831 160 130 25 5
2579 Now for my next trick Mr. President - I'll make your taxes disappear 1.2188 0.03831 160 130 25 5
2580 For my last act, I shred my assistant’s contract and make her disappear. 1.2188 0.04128 160 133 19 8
2581 I'd like to see Houdini try this one! 1.2188 0.04128 160 133 19 8
2582 For my next trick I will save your identity. 1.2186 0.03604 183 149 28 6
2583 And now to make Trump’s tax return disappear...ta-da 1.2186 0.03433 183 147 32 4
2584 And for my next trick, I am going to make these negative audience reviews disappear. 1.2185 0.03862 151 122 25 4
2585 And, voila! This suggestion about not perpetuating stereotypical gender roles has disappeared! 1.2184 0.03722 174 142 26 6
2586 Prenuptous agreementus, be-gone-us! 1.2184 0.03722 174 142 26 6
2587 And just like that, your application for my assistant position disappears! 1.2184 0.03444 174 139 32 3
2588 I learned from Enron. Start with magic tricks and then expeditiously shred. 1.2184 0.03896 174 144 22 8
2589 To save the act, I’m shredding your contract, making you magically disappear, and then replacing you with a drag queen. 1.2182 0.03755 165 134 26 5
2590 Here in New York, another Republican ballot. 1.2182 0.03655 165 133 28 4
2591 Abracadabra...... Facts from the fax 1.2182 0.03852 165 135 24 6
2592 Abra-memoranda! I've made Parliamentary procedure disappear. 1.2182 0.03655 165 133 28 4
2593 Damn I 'd much rather be cutting HER in half. 1.2179 0.03902 179 149 21 9
2594 And now we make all evidence of Russia interference in the 2016 elections disappear 1.2179 0.03737 179 147 25 7
2595 Now I'll say the magic words: "Abra-Ca-Bansky" 1.2179 0.03385 179 143 33 3
2596 I knew I should have been better prepared when Mueller Called 1.2179 0.03565 179 145 29 5
2597 Now, before your very eyes. Watch a paternity test...disappear! 1.2176 0.03955 170 141 21 8
2598 Presto, chango. My Trump ballot is automatically shredded 1.2176 0.03775 170 139 25 6
2599 Presto Change-O, from pre-nup agreement to post-nup agreement" 1.2176 0.03682 170 138 27 5
2600 Betsy, I know you think this trick is stupid, but act surprised! Marie Kondo would! 1.2174 0.03810 161 131 25 5
2601 Marsha and Fred audition for a consulting gig at the Annual RNC Strategy Job Fair. 1.2174 0.03748 184 152 24 8
2602 And now I will magically delete an email. 1.2174 0.03668 184 151 26 7
2603 And for my final trick, I will make my taxes...disappear. 1.2174 0.04008 161 133 21 7
2604 Presto! The cable bill has disappeared. And now, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, Netflix's prices will levitate. 1.2174 0.03502 184 149 30 5
2605 To my wife’s attorney ——- Watch, as I make this subpoena disappear before your very eyes. 1.2172 0.03496 198 162 29 7
2606 And it looks like The Electoral collage is about to cast its last vote 1.2171 0.03960 175 146 20 9
2607 Can't take the kids if the papers are destroyed, Sharon! 1.2171 0.03876 175 145 22 8
2608 Ladies and gents, my administrative assistant! 1.2171 0.03613 175 142 28 5
2609 Now watch as I make this harassment claim disappear. 1.2171 0.03876 175 145 22 8
2610 And you thought your accountant worked magic! 1.2171 0.03613 175 142 28 5
2611 'And for my next trick, my assistant, Hillary, and I will shred the election results" 1.2171 0.03790 175 144 24 7
2612 And that’s my rejection letter from MIT. Poof! 1.2171 0.04060 152 125 21 6
2613 The Trump Organization's Records Department: "The real magic trick will be avoiding jail time." 1.2171 0.04166 152 126 19 7
2614 Trumps interpreters notes from Hamburg . Now you see them, now you don’t. 1.2171 0.03951 152 124 23 5
2615 Banksy's Magician Brother 1.2171 0.04166 152 126 19 7
2616 For my next trick, I will make our loans.. disappear! 1.2171 0.03482 152 120 31 1
2617 And now, for my final act, I will transform this half shredded rejection letter into a half shredded original Banksy. 1.2171 0.04060 152 125 21 6
2618 What I shred here will turn into a Banksy mural elsewhere. 1.2169 0.03925 166 137 22 7
2619 That’s the last of the Constitution. And now, I will make it the President’s fault. 1.2169 0.03734 166 135 26 5
2620 In this trick, I will evade my taxes. 1.2169 0.03635 166 134 28 4
2621 Ta-daa! The W-2 is..... gone! 1.2169 0.03533 166 133 30 3
2622 Et voila! The president's tax return has magically disappeared. 1.2166 0.03972 157 129 22 6
2623 And just like that, all of the Amazing Lenardo’s Student loans bills vanished! 1.2166 0.03972 157 129 22 6
2624 ...for my next magical trick, watch closely...all notes and documents will be shredded and never seen again. 1.2166 0.03650 157 126 28 3
2625 Your ex's demands, expectations and criticisms, gone forever. 1.2166 0.03868 157 128 24 5
2626 Damned PETA, the rabbit/shredder could have been a classic. 1.2166 0.04172 157 131 18 8
2627 And while my lovely assistant holds the shredder, I will insert the transcripts of my conversation with President Putin and say the magic words..."No Collusion!" 1.2164 0.04105 171 144 17 10
2628 With the wave of my wand I shall make all my legal troubles disappear! 1.2164 0.03934 171 142 21 8
2629 . . . . . and this is how it looked before I shred it. 1.2164 0.03662 171 139 27 5
2630 I wish that we could afford a shredder rather that this toaster. 1.2164 0.04105 171 144 17 10
2631 I wave my magic wand, and the shredder casts ballots, early and often, for the right candidates. 1.2164 0.03755 171 140 25 6
2632 You must admit it’s a fantastic trick as long as long you ignore the shredder 1.2162 0.03400 185 149 32 4
2633 Now I’m going to demonstrate how I make my credit card bill disappear... 1.2162 0.04016 148 121 22 5
2634 For the first time ever,I will assemble a rabbit from the shreds. 1.2162 0.04016 148 121 22 5
2635 Judy, we call our cure to a delusional, Twittering world, 'hypnosis by fax'. 1.2159 0.03595 176 143 28 5
2636 I'm starting to question this whole New Year's shred plan. 1.2159 0.04021 176 148 18 10
2637 Voila! It's done. I know being a diplomatic translator pays better, but we have to disappear now. You'll feel better in Vegas. 1.2157 0.04036 153 126 21 6
2638 Contest #647 | January 21, 2019 Please relax. They enjoy the tax form trick more if it goes wrong anyway. 1.2156 0.03810 167 137 24 6
2639 And now for my next trick: I will make our president's tax return disappear 1.2156 0.03810 167 137 24 6
2640 It's not magic, my paycheck vanished due to the government shutdown. 1.2156 0.03995 167 139 20 8
2641 What tax returns? 1.2156 0.03616 167 135 28 4
2642 You, too, can be a magician. Call 1-800-shrdsht.” 1.2156 0.03903 167 138 22 7
2643 Hurry, the price is rising as I shred! Do I hear 55,000? 1.2156 0.03714 167 136 26 5
2644 With my wife's help, I'll just slip this little pre-nup right in here and give it the old abrakadabra. 1.2156 0.03903 167 138 22 7
2645 When you forget the cloak, Darlene, our careers become the illusion. 1.2156 0.03903 167 138 22 7
2646 Now watch, as my student loans vanish! 1.2156 0.03714 167 136 26 5
2647 Abra cadabra...November 8, 2016 went the other way. 1.2156 0.03903 167 138 22 7
2648 Now you see it. In a moment you won’t. 1.2155 0.03442 181 146 31 4
2649 It's magic, my dear, as if your notes never existed...and no one can ever prove otherwise. 1.2153 0.03962 144 117 23 4
2650 And PRESTO! Haha see? What lawsuit? 1.2153 0.04425 144 121 15 8
2651 And now, we'll magically reassemble this ballot. 1.2153 0.04083 144 118 21 5
2652 And now, ladies and gentlemen... to our final trick, "reverse shredding" 1.2152 0.03949 158 130 22 6
2653 ...and then 16 identical pieces of paper!! 1.2151 0.03999 172 144 19 9
2654 I insert the pre-nup thusly, Unfaithful Assistant... 1.2151 0.03825 172 142 23 7
2655 I call this my survival trick, making my 1099s disappear. 1.2151