Contest #688


Cartoon

688

The winning captions

These captions are chosen by The New Yorker.

  1. “I was stationed at CVS during the war on drugs.”
  2. “It’s the price of freedom.”
  3. “I got tired of explaining each one.”


Name Value
Submission deadline 2019-12-02T02:32:00.000Z
Voting started -
Voting ended 2019-12-16T02:34:00.000Z
Finalists announced 2019-12-10T02:33:00.000Z
Magazine(s) announcing finalists issued December 16, 2019
Number of captions 4065
Number of responses 795757
Number of participants -


Dashboard

In this table, the "mean" means the empirically measured average funniness score when the "unfunny", "somewhat funny" and "funny" receive a funniness score of 1, 2, 3 respectively. "Precison" is the standard error of the mean, the standard deviation of the mean estimate. With that, a caption with an empirical mean μ and precision σ has true mean in the range [μ - 2σ, μ + 2σ] with 95% probability by the 68-95-99.7 rule assuming the responses are indepedent and identically distributed.

Rank Caption Mean Precision Total votes "Unfunny" votes "Somewhat funny" votes "Funny" votes
0 It prints out his tweets. All the new uniforms have them. 2.1800 0.00643 14848 3456 5263 6129
1 You can't imagine what it's like to have someone stare at your chest and never look you in the eye. 2.0432 0.00700 13068 3908 4688 4472
2 And this, I’m proudest of: a list of all the names the President has called me. 2.0157 0.00696 12638 3770 4899 3969
3 After the budget cuts we only get a list of the medals 1.9659 0.00754 10518 3331 4215 2972
4 I was stationed at CVS during the War on Drugs. 1.9366 0.01132 5347 2012 1662 1673
5 That, madam, is the price of freedom. 1.9310 0.00778 10787 3917 3697 3173
6 I got the blue one in Kosovo, and the long white one at Costco 1.9129 0.00921 7312 2615 2719 1978
7 It’s the Paper Heart for bureaucratic valor. 1.9042 0.00829 9188 3383 3302 2503
8 Oh this? It’s a list of all the bosses I’ve had since Trump became President. 1.8649 0.00817 9365 3642 3346 2377
9 Wait, if my grocery list is here, I must have left the nuclear codes in my cart. 1.8647 0.00820 9742 3942 3176 2624
10 Hopefully soon, China will start making our medals again. 1.8438 0.01000 6082 2397 2238 1447
11 Yes, it's a receipt. I'm General Store. 1.8259 0.01297 3842 1634 1243 965
12 I was in the merchant marines. 1.8160 0.00824 8965 3705 3205 2055
13 Everybody has a price, but not everybody offers a detailed invoice. 1.8128 0.00815 8804 3550 3352 1902
14 This is a list of things I can’t comment on. 1.7856 0.01261 3564 1474 1380 710
15 Live tweets. He likes your dress. 1.7622 0.00942 6745 3010 2329 1406
16 We think it's always important to have a paper trail. 1.7538 0.01162 4001 1694 1598 709
17 I print out the Commander-In-Chief's tweets on toilet paper so I can properly deploy them. 1.7460 0.01274 4134 2044 1096 994
18 That's the list of subpoenas I've been ordered to ignore. 1.7407 0.01195 4104 1873 1422 809
19 Yes, I do know how much this war is going to cost us. 1.7335 0.00879 6987 3065 2719 1203
20 My resignation speech in case I'm overcome with moral courage. 1.7227 0.01240 3916 1873 1256 787
21 The medals are for kicking ass. The paper is for taking names. 1.7223 0.01161 4343 2042 1465 836
22 They're for valor, loyalty, courage, and my wife's to dos. 1.6997 0.01007 5311 2466 1974 871
23 That one is for fighting high prices. 1.6949 0.00783 10142 5202 2845 2095
24 Came with the Uniform. It says "Do Not Remove Under Penalty of Law." 1.6917 0.01081 5038 2499 1593 946
25 It was quid pro quo. I have the receipts. 1.6882 0.01086 4866 2390 1603 873
26 And at the end of my service, I received an honorable surcharge 1.6877 0.01110 4355 2060 1595 700
27 No, not Kosovo. Costco. 1.6871 0.01069 4755 2276 1694 785
28 Dear,when I said wear the President's insults as a badge of honor,I didn't mean literally. 1.6834 0.01271 3670 1853 1126 691
29 And I got red tape coming out of my ass 1.6780 0.01333 3603 1919 925 759
30 My allowed responses to questions from the President. 1.6765 0.01118 4281 2062 1542 677
31 To make things easier, it's a list of topics the White House prohibits me from discussing. 1.6691 0.00988 5407 2626 1948 833
32 The medals are for service to my country. The receipt is for selling out my country to Donald Trump. 1.6587 0.01448 2912 1555 796 561
33 Pardon me sir but your slip is showing. 1.6551 0.01503 2604 1369 764 471
34 Please read and initial the consent form and I'll buy you a drink. 1.6515 0.01209 3747 1907 1239 601
35 The top one means I qualify as a 4-star general. The bottom one means I qualify for a free caramel macchiato at Starbucks. 1.6474 0.01260 3383 1715 1146 522
36 It's proof I'm a survivor - a list of all the Trump officials who resigned before me. 1.6322 0.01181 3896 2038 1253 605
37 It's a running tab — on what that damned wall is costing us. 1.6292 0.01264 3363 1758 1094 511
38 I need that to keep track of the President’s positions on foreign policy 1.6283 0.01412 2852 1537 838 477
39 That's just his tweets since I got here. 1.6200 0.01737 1829 984 556 289
40 This? It’s because the Army ran out of Purple Hearts and just gave me a receipt for my left arm. 1.6194 0.01416 2877 1585 802 490
41 My eyes are up here. 1.6176 0.01405 2751 1474 855 422
42 I served in Black Friday. 1.6129 0.01352 2940 1579 920 441
43 Until Congress passes a budget, we are running a tab 1.6106 0.01450 2396 1251 827 318
44 I have trouble remembering the launch codes 1.5976 0.01821 1613 886 490 237
45 That one's the Presidential Medal of Forced Resignation. 1.5968 0.01512 2386 1325 698 363
46 Please do not push any more of them. 1.5849 0.01592 2238 1292 583 363
47 They're notes for my testimony, resignation letter, book draft, and media interviews. 1.5803 0.01371 2666 1462 861 343
48 Excuse me, I appear to have a fax coming in. 1.5772 0.01534 2228 1254 662 312
49 I served in the Grocery Isles. 1.5769 0.01383 2815 1605 796 414
50 Yes ma'am, decorated for distinguished service by both C.I.A. and CVS. 1.5748 0.01392 2702 1526 799 377
51 I may be a general in the army but at home I'm just a guy who picks up a few things at the store. 1.5717 0.01915 1284 695 444 145
52 That's a list of the medals I think I deserve. 1.5643 0.01582 2015 1138 617 260
53 To be precise, ma'am, freedom costs $686,175,309.43 1.5636 0.01856 1446 813 451 182
54 And in addition to the medals, I have 27 Presidential tweets." 1.5598 0.01547 2058 1159 646 253
55 It’s your receipt for buying my whole line of crap. 1.5597 0.01730 1985 1219 421 345
56 He asked for a favor, pinned the list on me and left! 1.5541 0.02070 1182 680 349 153
57 I did three tours in Afghanistan and one Black Friday at Target. 1.5516 0.01606 1860 1050 594 216
58 ... just things I need to get off my chest! 1.5501 0.02227 978 556 306 116
59 Only MacArthur could get away with I shall return and not have a receipt. 1.5485 0.02157 1092 635 315 142
60 You can call me Bill. 1.5470 0.02184 1064 620 306 138
61 I got that one during a price war. 1.5463 0.02152 1025 581 328 116
62 I was wounded at the battle of CVS. 1.5458 0.01730 1779 1061 465 253
63 Dunno - not my jacket. 1.5451 0.01826 1675 1022 393 260
64 A list of questions my Commander In Chief has ordered me not to answer. 1.5438 0.01708 1723 1005 499 219
65 For receiving tweets under fire 1.5369 0.01856 1490 887 406 197
66 It's a record of everything I said in case I'm ever called to a congressional hearing. 1.5345 0.01751 1491 849 487 155
67 Lockheed won't take back the F-35 without a receipt. 1.5341 0.01828 1451 847 433 171
68 I told you not to push that button. 1.5266 0.01932 1280 752 382 146
69 This one says you’re a ‘Dollar General’? 1.5253 0.01945 1323 794 363 166
70 That's a medal for reducing paper waste. 1.5248 0.01893 1313 769 399 145
71 The survey is circled at the bottom. And, I'd really appreciate receiving a five-star general rating. 1.5243 0.02162 1070 643 293 134
72 Some from Vietnam, to remember courage under fire. Others from my wife, to remember coleslaw and butter. 1.5229 0.02003 1247 751 340 156
73 It's my Yellow Ribbon, listing all the times I should have resigned on principle and didn't. 1.5227 0.02008 1253 758 335 160
74 Our commendations now include the number of times we’ve stayed at a Trump resort. 1.5221 0.01977 1266 760 351 155
75 He makes us display a list of everything we have done for Putin lately. 1.5192 0.02061 1198 731 312 155
76 My new rank is Dollar General. 1.5159 0.02172 1037 626 287 124
77 We are now supposed to leave a paper trail. 1.5145 0.02037 1137 678 333 126
78 Oh, I didn’t realize when your bought and paid for by a political party you get a receipt. 1.5125 0.02179 1083 671 269 143
79 Obliterated first dates. If you see your name, ADIOS. 1.5069 0.02528 945 633 145 167
80 It's the Commander-in-Chief's way of reminding us that we can be returned and exchanged at any time. 1.5056 0.02204 987 601 273 113
81 I've paid my dues. 1.5044 0.02201 908 536 286 86
82 It's my Purple Heart monitor. 1.5041 0.02269 968 600 248 120
83 They’re launch codes. I keep forgetting them. 1.5036 0.02248 983 609 253 121
84 Yes, they’re the nuclear codes. I figure I better keep them handy since he’s already given them to Putin and Kim Jong-un. 1.5031 0.02338 956 605 221 130
85 I fought in the trade war. 1.5031 0.02177 970 591 273 106
86 That one's from my wife. I have to stop at the store on the way home. 1.5021 0.02203 960 589 263 108
87 And don’t forget your transcript of this conversation. 1.5017 0.02409 879 552 213 114
88 What list? There's no list. 1.5016 0.02300 951 594 237 120
89 I earned that one during the Black Friday offensive. 1.5016 0.02250 957 589 256 112
90 You must be the father of the bride? 1.5010 0.03212 507 322 116 69
91 I can be bought. 1.5005 0.02265 923 564 256 103
92 Looks like your ticker has a tape! 1.5005 0.02232 939 571 266 102
93 ...Just another Pentagon snafu. I’m told a mattress company got the uniform contract. 1.5005 0.02232 939 571 266 102
94 Yes. I am that General Mills. 1.4967 0.02353 896 561 225 110
95 It's the receipt for selling my soul. All sales final. 1.4928 0.02416 838 525 213 100
96 It’s for the battle of CVS...there’s three feet more pinned to my back. 1.4922 0.02403 833 519 218 96
97 Everybody always talks about the cost of war, but never the savings! 1.4920 0.02380 809 495 230 84
98 I earned that for purchasing one item at CVS. 1.4915 0.02472 826 525 196 105
99 The classified part is unfurling down my pant leg. 1.4908 0.02480 817 519 195 103
100 I was dishonorably mischarged. 1.4908 0.02388 817 504 225 88
101 We're getting away from 'brass' and moving to something more sustainable. 1.4905 0.02374 787 477 234 76
102 Courage. Valor. Savings. 1.4901 0.02418 812 505 216 91
103 After Iraq, I served two tours in Walmart 1.4880 0.02412 791 488 220 83
104 Hello, my name is General Store. 1.4867 0.02478 791 499 199 93
105 Yes ma'am. Thirty-seven honorable mentions. 1.4859 0.02336 782 471 242 69
106 I was honorably discounted. 1.4841 0.02434 754 463 217 74
107 It's my letter of resignation. My proudest achievement. 1.4833 0.02272 747 484 184 79
108 A lot of good men never made it out of that drugstore. 1.4821 0.02481 755 472 202 81
109 It's the CVS Distinguished Service Award. 1.4786 0.02541 725 457 189 79
110 Groceries. She said "I'll give you a medal if you remember everything for once". 1.4785 0.02379 721 463 183 75
111 Oh, it’s the wages of war. 1.4784 0.02480 719 444 206 69
112 It’s from the budget wars. 1.4776 0.02452 714 437 213 64
113 Oh that, it's just General information. 1.4767 0.02510 707 439 199 69
114 We’re all about accountability. 1.4759 0.02559 685 427 190 68
115 Were you subpoenaed or are you just here for the party? 1.4738 0.02671 669 428 165 76
116 That one cost an arm. 1.4736 0.02567 682 427 187 68
117 I hate having to wear disclaimers. 1.4716 0.02557 670 417 190 63
118 I prefer not to wear a full medal jacket. 1.4716 0.02573 651 403 189 59
119 Don’t worry. Mexico is paying for it. 1.4714 0.02617 664 419 177 68
120 People thank me for my service, so I let them know what it costs. 1.4654 0.02670 621 392 169 60
121 I like to keep my list of Democratic presidential candidates up to date 1.4653 0.02667 619 390 170 59
122 It's a list of every day I kept myself from punching the face of that idiot draft dodging con artist currently sitting in the Oval Office. 1.4653 0.02919 619 417 116 86
123 Those are the subpoenas. 1.4632 0.02661 611 384 171 56
124 Our uniforms now print out the transcript of all conversations 1.4632 0.02711 611 389 161 61
125 I'm in the merchant marines. 1.4628 0.02658 592 368 174 50
126 No, I wasn't at Midway. It was Safeway. 1.4628 0.02732 592 375 160 57
127 That one's a receipt from my tour of duty at Mar-a-Lago. 1.4620 0.03045 513 334 121 58
128 It's the highest badge of honor...all the Presidential insults tweeted at me. 1.4618 0.02887 602 400 126 76
129 Nobody cares much about the medals, but they love asking about the receipt. 1.4614 0.02825 583 377 143 63
130 The App is built-in to the jacket, it creates a printout of all the presidents' tweets, in case I'm subpoenaed. 1.4601 0.02752 589 376 155 58
131 ‘’It’s for meritorious paperwork.” 1.4599 0.02727 574 361 162 51
132 Just a FAX ma'am, just a FAX 1.4599 0.02744 574 370 147 57
133 Oh that? Those are my pardons. 1.4589 0.02800 584 377 146 61
134 Eyes up here, young lady. 1.4586 0.02804 580 374 146 60
135 It's a receipt for selling out. 1.4567 0.03020 554 372 111 71
136 So what happens if I push the second star? 1.4567 0.02899 554 361 133 60
137 I got tired of explaining each one. 1.4536 0.02494 549 358 146 45
138 WARNING: Appointed by the president and may be removed at any time... 1.4536 0.02860 549 355 139 55
139 The price for freedom keeps going up. 1.4532 0.02846 545 353 138 54
140 I served in many conflicts of interest. 1.4532 0.02906 534 346 134 54
141 That is a record of the things for which I have plausible deniability. 1.4520 0.02814 542 346 147 49
142 My name is first - I'm your wife - but who are others 1.4510 0.03252 490 335 89 66
143 It’s my unredacted testimony. 1.4497 0.02883 527 340 137 50
144 No, I'm just General Merchandise. 1.4492 0.02930 512 331 132 49
145 They say ‘dress for the job you want’, so I’ve pinned a list of jobs I’d rather have. 1.4492 0.02851 512 325 144 43
146 I'm in charge of arms. This is the receipt for my left one. 1.4477 0.03003 516 341 119 56
147 I see you served in Turkey. No, wait—you bought a turkey. 1.4462 0.02973 511 335 124 52
148 Under Trump I am now officially, "Leader guy of huge bombs and of winning bigly." 1.4462 0.03024 511 339 116 56
149 Just keeping abreast of presidential tweets. 1.4460 0.02955 509 332 127 50
150 Black Ops Friday. 1.4451 0.03028 492 323 119 50
151 And then it shreds itself. 1.4451 0.02945 492 317 131 44
152 Yup, every time he tweets. 1.4449 0.02996 490 319 124 47
153 If you’re truly thankful for my service please visit the website below and vote. A five star rating would be appreciated. 1.4440 0.02897 500 321 136 43
154 That ribbon must have been from the battle of CVS. 1.4433 0.03012 494 327 116 51
155 Oh that one’s my subpoena 1.4433 0.03086 494 330 109 55
156 Proud of that one. Security Guard, Walmart, Black Friday. 1.4428 0.02663 481 323 116 42
157 I was told to wear it and tell anyone that asks to 'Read the transcript!' 1.4426 0.02750 479 327 105 47
158 Not only can I tell you the cost of war, I have it itemized. 1.4410 0.02939 483 311 131 41
159 For Bravery, Battle of the Red Tape. 1.4410 0.02997 483 315 123 45
160 It's the price of freedom. 1.4407 0.02947 481 310 130 41
161 That's my presidential pardon. 1.4402 0.03139 468 312 106 50
162 My unit came under heavy fire at CVS. 1.4388 0.02932 474 304 132 38
163 My marching orders come from a stable genius with bone spurs. 1.4388 0.03180 474 321 98 55
164 Oh, the receipt? I work as a cashier. They call me the Dollar General. 1.4386 0.03176 472 319 99 54
165 I know the cost of war. That's the receipt. 1.4376 0.03055 457 298 118 41
166 I can see you spent and arm and a...oh, my bad. 1.4371 0.03205 469 319 95 55
167 Ukraine Meddling Medal, Maam. 1.4360 0.02957 461 296 129 36
168 Its my ticker tape of Trumps tweets, so I know if I get fired or not. 1.4354 0.03266 457 313 89 55
169 I got that one for contempt of Congress. 1.4339 0.02938 454 290 131 33
170 Yes, I've been cashiered. 1.4333 0.03038 450 293 119 38
171 That makes you the 1,776,846th person to thank me for my sacrifice.” 1.4333 0.03212 450 304 97 49
172 I work retail now. The chain of command is more stable. 1.4333 0.03197 450 303 99 48
173 Ya, it’s a list of Trump’s war crimes. I keep a running tally, and I’m sure I’ll send it to the New Yorker at some point so I’ll feel like I did something with it, but it won’t ever be seen. Know mean? So uhh.. the weather. God I hate these parties. 1.4328 0.05357 201 147 21 33
174 Special commendations for every time I've talked us out of another war in the last month." 1.4327 0.03106 446 294 111 41
175 Actually, I think my CVS ExtraCare Points ARE something to be worn with pride. 1.4324 0.03148 444 295 106 43
176 There was an executive order to wear the president's tweets. 1.4312 0.03327 429 293 87 49
177 My last tour of duty was at CVS. 1.4308 0.03275 441 301 90 50
178 I got my badges from Trump Military Academy 1.4308 0.03259 441 300 92 49
179 Battle of Black Friday, '17, Walmart. Still have nightmares. 1.4308 0.03081 441 289 114 38
180 Everyone has his price. Mine is a matter of record. 1.4296 0.03033 433 280 120 33
181 That's why they call me 'The Dollar General'. 1.4296 0.03188 433 289 102 42
182 Please no 'General Store' jokes, ma'am. 1.4296 0.03221 433 291 98 44
183 It's the terms of my required loyalty pledge to the President. 1.4292 0.03198 431 288 101 42
184 It was a hard fought battle at CVS. 1.4292 0.03232 431 290 97 44
185 In times like these, it's always best to save the receipts. 1.4279 0.03135 430 284 108 38
186 What, this? Just the price of freedom, little lady. 1.4279 0.03316 416 282 90 44
187 Trump's Twitter feed. 1.4279 0.03210 416 276 102 38
188 That's for my service in the General Accounting Office. 1.4279 0.03173 416 274 106 36
189 I realize that wearing a copy of the Constitution might seem strange - but we have to consider our current environment. 1.4275 0.03363 414 283 85 46
190 These are all the war crimes President Trump has praised me for. 1.4272 0.03292 426 290 90 46
191 That’s correct, the price of freedom is now in Rubles. 1.4269 0.03218 424 284 99 41
192 That's for 'Courage during Presidential Tweet.' 1.4269 0.03337 424 291 85 48
193 So it takes 2000 reward points to become a General?” 1.4258 0.03303 418 284 90 44
194 The list explains what they're all for so I can drink while people read. 1.4258 0.03069 418 271 116 31
195 As you can see, the cost of war adds up. 1.4255 0.03172 416 275 105 36
196 You, of all people, would know not to stare at a person's chest. 1.4255 0.03190 416 276 103 37
197 It’s the receipt for the price of my integrity and self esteem that each commendation exacted. 1.4255 0.03332 416 284 87 45
198 It’s the latest technology. Every time Trump tweets about the military, it prints it out. 1.4237 0.03084 413 281 94 38
199 It’s our latest attempt at military spending transparency. 1.4226 0.03239 407 272 98 37
200 No, I'm supposed to stop by the grocery store on the way home. 1.4222 0.03212 405 269 101 35
201 Oh, I see you’re bought and paid for. 1.4214 0.03272 401 269 95 37
202 We lost a lot of good men at CVS. 1.4192 0.03434 396 274 78 44
203 In this administration, we keep the receipts. 1.4192 0.03281 396 266 94 36
204 It's the full transcript 1.4188 0.03326 382 256 92 34
205 It’s an updated list of pardonable war crimes. 1.4188 0.03346 382 257 90 35
206 Roger that m'am. It is indeed toilet paper and it is standard issue for all generals since Trump became Commander in Chief. 1.4188 0.03448 382 267 72 43
207 Kindly consult this list of topics that I'm at liberty to chat about without having to make you disappear. 1.4188 0.03351 394 268 87 39
208 The traditional ribbons all were made in China. This print out is all the Pentagon can afford now since Trump reallocated those funds to the wall. 1.4184 0.03402 392 269 82 41
209 No Ma'am, I'm not the Whistleblower. I keep the running tab on White House dismissals. 1.4179 0.03236 390 259 99 32
210 ...and this one I got when I spent more than half of the federal budget. 1.4179 0.03256 390 260 97 33
211 I am the very model of a modern Major-General, I've information vegetable, animal, and mineral... 1.4179 0.03256 390 260 97 33
212 If Trump orders me to betray my oath or my country, this lets me know a few minutes in advance. 1.4171 0.03420 386 265 81 40
213 I got it for the Battle of CVS. 1.4133 0.03345 375 253 89 33
214 What paper trail? It was a perfect paper trail! I don’t even know that paper trail. 1.4133 0.03429 375 257 81 37
215 That's a recent one. It keeps a running log of my statements found contrary to those of the Administration." 1.4133 0.03259 375 249 97 29
216 It’s the itemized request list Trump had me bring to the Ukraine! 1.4133 0.03471 375 259 77 39
217 I got tired of explaining what they all mean so I just made a list. 1.4132 0.03356 363 243 90 30
218 Black Friday. Walmart. 2017. 1.4129 0.03421 373 255 82 36
219 This one is from the price wars. 1.4124 0.03348 371 250 89 32
220 Yes, I am with accounting. How did you guess? 1.4124 0.03305 371 248 93 30
221 My latest awards came with loyalty points. 1.4119 0.03295 369 246 94 29
222 It's a tear off resume' - just in case. 1.4119 0.03181 369 241 104 24
223 Freedom isn't free, M'am. But we did get a nice coupon. 1.4119 0.03339 369 248 90 31
224 Impressive list of compliments for the president! Is it enough to keep you employed until the election? 1.4116 0.03362 362 243 89 30
225 His Majesty’s tweets, ma’m! 1.4116 0.03495 362 249 77 36
226 It’s a new decoration for quid pro quo. 1.4114 0.03461 367 252 79 36
227 It's a list of instructions from the President on how to do my job. He pinned it on himself. 1.4114 0.03439 367 251 81 35
228 The red one's for Desert Storm, the blue one's for Battle of Bagdad, and the white one for Trader Joe's Thanksgiving. 1.4110 0.03342 365 245 90 30
229 Loyalty oath ... required by Trump. 1.4093 0.03436 364 249 81 34
230 It's a presidential citation for staying at all Trump properties during my time with NATO 1.4093 0.03480 364 251 77 36
231 I’m in general accounting. 1.4083 0.03303 360 240 93 27
232 I'm not military ... but I am the most decorated greeter in Walmart history. Please take your receipt. 1.4083 0.03440 360 246 81 33
233 It’s the list of nicknames the president has for world leaders so I can keep track of who he is currently insulting. 1.4083 0.03485 360 248 77 35
234 I've been cashiered. 1.4073 0.03535 356 247 73 36
235 It's part of POTUS's plan to make our allies pay. 1.4073 0.03602 356 250 67 39
236 The cost of war ma’am 1.4064 0.03371 342 228 89 25
237 I've been liaison to the NSC, CIA, and now CVS. 1.4062 0.03472 352 241 79 32
238 War has its price. 1.4062 0.03495 352 242 77 33
239 What makes you think I bought my way to the top? 1.4062 0.03401 352 238 85 29
240 General…your slip is showing. 1.4062 0.03472 352 241 79 32
241 It all comes with a price. 1.4052 0.03379 348 234 87 27
242 I've never seen one quite that long... 1.4052 0.03570 348 242 71 35
243 I'm going to have to ask you to step back ma'am, new orders coming in. 1.4046 0.03342 346 231 90 25
244 I’m up here, lady.” 1.4046 0.03631 346 243 66 37
245 I served two tours at Walmart. 1.4046 0.03292 346 229 94 23
246 No, ma'am--its is NOT a new kind of military decoration. Its an app that prints out President Trump's latest tweets. 1.4046 0.03561 346 240 72 34
247 Don't ask." "Do tell. 1.4046 0.03417 346 234 84 28
248 Why do you think they call it General Accounting? 1.4046 0.03367 346 232 88 26
249 That's my Trump International Hotel receipt. 1.4046 0.03513 346 238 76 32
250 I was stationed at CVS during the war. 1.4012 0.03611 339 237 68 34
251 The cost of war IS high.” 1.4012 0.03463 339 231 80 28
252 The ribbons are for specific military campaigns and the long strip is a list of house committees that called me to testify. 1.4012 0.03538 339 234 74 31
253 Hey Lady, my eyes are up here! 1.4012 0.03488 339 232 78 29
254 Medals rescinded by the Commander in Chief. 1.4012 0.03659 339 239 64 36
255 Yes I received this one from Halliburton for injuries sustained in the noble pursuit of war profiteering 1.4006 0.03577 337 234 71 32
256 Ma'am, my eyes are up here. 1.3994 0.03608 333 232 69 32
257 I was in 'Nam, Iraq...Costco. 1.3988 0.03361 331 221 88 22
258 Hey! Up here! 1.3988 0.03494 331 226 78 27
259 It’s the price off freedom, Ma’am …plus tax. 1.3988 0.03401 331 225 81 25
260 This is the cost of war - and, it's still less than my divorce. 1.3988 0.03494 331 226 78 27
261 Well, freedom isn't free. 1.3982 0.03535 329 226 75 28
262 I'm about to be cashiered. 1.3982 0.03561 329 227 73 29
263 For charging in battle. 1.3982 0.03455 329 223 81 25
264 As a General Officer, I am required to receive a 'live' feed of President Trump's tweets. 1.3976 0.03550 327 225 74 28
265 It all adds up Madam. 1.3976 0.03303 327 216 92 19
266 That was for re-taking a captured CVS store. 1.3976 0.03415 327 220 84 23
267 It's a pardon,why do you ask? 1.3976 0.03496 327 223 78 26
268 I have a military-industrial complex. 1.3976 0.03217 327 233 66 28
269 You're welcome for my service... here's your receipt. 1.3976 0.03705 327 231 62 34
270 These days, I keep a running transcript of all my conversations. 1.3969 0.03538 325 223 75 27
271 Serving this commander in chief comes at a cost. 1.3969 0.03644 325 227 67 31
272 I keep a paper trail in case I go before Congress. 1.3962 0.03504 313 214 75 24
273 I print the Commander-in-Chief's tweets in real time. 1.3956 0.03513 321 219 77 25
274 Costco. Black Friday. 1.3956 0.03513 321 219 77 25
275 Those are the tweets from my Commander and Chief. 1.3956 0.03595 321 222 71 28
276 You're welcome for my service. Now here is your bill. 1.3955 0.03591 311 213 73 25
277 That's the list of campaign contributions that keep me in my job." 1.3950 0.03326 319 211 90 18
278 We need the tweets in real time. 1.3950 0.03500 319 217 78 24
279 I'm being cashiered. 1.3950 0.03583 319 220 72 27
280 I got that one for being most calculating. 1.3950 0.03385 319 213 86 20
281 The Pentagon requires us to list all bribes under $100,000. 1.3943 0.03571 317 218 73 26
282 Yeah, it's just a receipt. What do you want, a medal? 1.3937 0.03543 315 218 71 26
283 We lost a lot of good men in Aisle 3 that day at CVS.... 1.3929 0.03402 308 205 85 18
284 I don't like to brag, but I have a laundry list of accomplishments. 1.3929 0.03643 308 213 69 26
285 It's a list of the corporate sponsors. 1.3929 0.03525 308 209 77 22
286 Freedom isn’t free. But if you answer the survey at the bottom, you could win $1,000! 1.3917 0.03592 314 217 71 26
287 Running total of the Commander-in-Chief 's lies to American citizens. 1.3896 0.03865 308 222 52 34
288 Just in case I decide to return them. 1.3896 0.03272 308 217 68 23
289 Wow! I didn't think anyone had survived that many meetings with President Trump. 1.3889 0.03685 306 214 65 27
290 That one's for victory at Costco on Black Friday. 1.3884 0.04130 242 169 52 21
291 And then I was awarded a $10 coupon. 1.3874 0.03748 302 213 61 28
292 I keep my own records. 1.3874 0.03473 302 204 79 19
293 If you're not shocked and awed after 30 days, you can return me. 1.3867 0.03614 300 207 70 23
294 As you can see, I've had a whole laundry list of assignments. 1.3867 0.03583 300 206 72 22
295 President Trump changes his instructions quite frequently. 1.3859 0.03782 298 211 59 28
296 It's the latest tweets from the commander -in-chief 1.3851 0.03860 296 212 54 30
297 I got that one for taking out an enemy cash register. 1.3844 0.03878 294 211 53 30
298 In addition to my medals of honor, I also have a very long paper trail. 1.3844 0.03599 294 202 71 21
299 It's the Trump Award -- a list of his tweets about me -- and all in words of seven letters or less. 1.3844 0.03787 294 208 59 27
300 It's the list of names of my bosses at the White House. 1.3836 0.03743 292 205 62 25
301 It's a good conduct receipt for perfect military traveler bookings at Trump properties. 1.3828 0.03631 290 200 69 21
302 It's how I remind people that freedom isn't free. 1.3828 0.03531 290 197 75 18
303 It's my deposition 1.3811 0.03597 286 196 71 19
304 Yeah, earned that one storming the check-out on Cyber Monday 1.3811 0.03002 286 210 55 21
305 It allows me to keep track of the Mar a Lago charges. 1.3811 0.03860 286 204 55 27
306 Actually, it's a list from the president of everyone we're supposed to pardon. 1.3803 0.03847 284 202 56 26
307 CVS, Times Square. December 2017. There was only one person staffed at the register. I don't like to talk about it much. 1.3794 0.03733 282 197 63 22
308 That one? It's a bill from Trump International Scotland. I'm proud to serve my President in every way. 1.3786 0.03784 280 197 60 23
309 I don't predict change...I make change. Ma'am 1.3786 0.03750 280 196 62 22
310 I had a printer installed so I could keep up to date on who is getting fired by the President. 1.3786 0.03750 280 196 62 22
311 It's Giulani's Ukraine shopping list. 1.3777 0.03904 278 199 53 26
312 Led the charge on Black Friday. 1.3777 0.03734 278 194 63 21
313 That was from the battle of CVS. 1.3777 0.03853 278 200 52 26
314 It's Twitters from my Commander in Chief 1.3768 0.03751 276 193 62 21
315 Freedom isn’t free. 1.3750 0.03788 272 191 60 21
316 That one's a CVS receipt. 1.3750 0.03859 272 193 56 23
317 It's the Trump tapeworm. 1.3750 0.03928 272 195 52 25
318 It just lists all of the honours I would have won if I hadn't had these pesky bone spurs 1.3750 0.03894 272 194 54 24
319 That’s for liberating a CVS in Kabul. 1.3750 0.03859 272 193 56 23
320 It's for liberating the Whole Foods in Fallujah. 1.3750 0.03859 272 193 56 23
321 Turns out it wasn’t an open bar. 1.3750 0.03528 272 184 74 14
322 You served in CVS? 1.3750 0.03894 272 194 54 24
323 The new loyalty program: two more wars and it prints a coupon for half off.... 1.3741 0.03913 270 193 53 24
324 I got this one for takin' down a CVS. 1.3741 0.03948 270 194 51 25
325 It's been perfect chatting with you. Read the transcript. 1.3741 0.03806 270 190 59 21
326 It's the continuously updated list of Geneva Conventions I've violated following the orders of our current Commander in Chief. 1.3741 0.04017 270 196 47 27
327 I'm a Major Shopper. 1.3741 0.03948 270 194 51 25
328 Oh, is that a list of career military officials the Commander-in-Chief has slandered? 1.3741 0.03948 270 194 51 25
329 I have a Purple Heart, a Bronze Star and $28 of Extra Bucks. 1.3741 0.03659 270 186 67 17
330 It’s a special commendation for getting my receipts in on time. 1.3741 0.03842 270 191 57 22
331 We are now required to display our personal pronoun preferences. 1.3731 0.04038 268 195 46 27
332 Since the President takes credit for everything now, I just document it all. 1.3731 0.03788 268 188 60 20
333 That's why they call me 'Major Savings' 1.3731 0.03933 268 192 52 24
334 It’s part of Trump’s new ‘pay to play’ policy!” 1.3731 0.03676 268 185 66 17
335 They ran out of medals at the Pentagon, so these are on backorder. 1.3731 0.03751 268 187 62 19
336 I print out the tweets in case nobody believes me when I give an order. 1.3722 0.03844 266 188 57 21
337 Those are my official responses to all the questions you are likely to ask me. 1.3722 0.03732 266 185 63 18
338 They’re awards for remembering computer passwords. 1.3712 0.03900 264 188 54 22
339 Don’t ask don’t tell 1.3712 0.03788 264 185 60 19
340 They're presidential tweets mam. 1.3712 0.03863 264 187 56 21
341 It's for hosting a dinner for 10 at a Trump hotel. 1.3712 0.03937 264 189 52 23
342 As the new secretary of the Navy, my first duty is holiday shopping for the president. 1.3702 0.03920 262 187 53 22
343 It's my service record, annotated, for cocktail parties. 1.3702 0.03670 262 183 62 17
344 That's my Distinguished Service Receipt. 1.3702 0.03768 262 183 61 18
345 Oh, the Army is requiring us to itemize now. 1.3692 0.03864 260 184 56 20
346 It grows a little bit every time the President pardons a war criminal. 1.3692 0.03902 260 185 54 21
347 That’s the list of ongoing investigations I cannot comment upon.” 1.3682 0.03884 258 183 55 20
348 It’s a Presidential Receipt for lies and perjuries in the line of Congressional Inquiries 1.3682 0.04036 258 187 47 24
349 Freedom isn't free. Here's your bill 1.3682 0.03560 258 175 71 12
350 Little black dress, meet little black list 1.3672 0.03982 256 184 50 22
351 I was in the Fifteenth Inventory. 1.3672 0.03904 256 182 54 20
352 So launch codes contain a number, a capital letter, and a special character? 1.3672 0.03982 256 184 50 22
353 Your female gaze objectifies me for my military exploits. 1.3672 0.03982 256 184 50 22
354 I fought hard on Black Friday. 1.3651 0.03904 252 179 54 19
355 “It’s a list of all the White House Staff I have to kill to protect the President.” 1.3651 0.03984 252 181 50 21
356 That is the list of people I have to suck up to, in order of precedence, of course. 1.3651 0.03610 252 177 60 15
357 I'm a Price War veteran. 1.3651 0.03739 252 175 62 15
358 They were a couple ribbons short, so they had to give me an IOU. 1.3640 0.03925 250 178 53 19
359 I think you'll find this glossary of acronyms and abbreviations helpful. 1.3640 0.03800 250 175 59 16
360 It keeps a running total of every time I act against my conscience. 1.3640 0.03842 250 176 57 17
361 Nothing to see here ma’am, the President just likes to keep his passwords handy. 1.3640 0.03965 250 179 51 20
362 At the bottom, there is a survey and if you'd give me an A Plus Rating I would appreciate that! 1.3640 0.03965 250 179 51 20
363 The jury's still out on whether these are honorable, or pardonable... 1.3640 0.03757 250 174 61 15
364 And the last one was given to me by my wife for "Operation Black Friday." 1.3640 0.04085 250 182 45 23
365 Hey, $571,295 for a screwdriver set sounds a bit high to me too 1.3640 0.03925 250 178 53 19
366 I was injured on Black Friday. 1.3640 0.03883 250 177 55 18
367 Fallujah was a cakewalk compared to the Whole Foods parking lot. 1.3629 0.03904 248 176 54 18
368 Never mind my 5-star general insignia, read the Amazon reviews. 1.3629 0.03904 248 176 54 18
369 The lawyers make us wear the fine print now. 1.3629 0.03688 248 171 64 13
370 I got that one for defense spending. 1.3629 0.03861 248 175 56 17
371 We were pinned down by exorbitant prices without a BOGO in sight, so I called for military discount air cover flanked by a loyalty reward program. 1.3629 0.04027 248 179 48 21
372 Sorry, the president is sending me a fax. 1.3629 0.03945 248 177 52 19
373 I'm running a tab. 1.3629 0.03819 248 174 58 16
374 Don't you know freedom comes with a price tag? 1.3629 0.03776 248 173 60 15
375 Our ribbon designer worked for CVS, before joining the Army. 1.3618 0.03966 246 176 51 19
376 That one's for heroic procurement. 1.3618 0.03751 246 171 61 14
377 The Pentagon just made a deal with CVS. 1.3618 0.03924 246 175 53 18
378 It's crib notes for the commander-in-chief. 1.3618 0.04090 246 179 45 22
379 My wife said she'd give me a medal for remembering everything on this week's grocery list. 1.3618 0.03966 246 176 51 19
380 I served three tours at a CVS. 1.3618 0.04049 246 178 47 21
381 It’s a commemorative receipt from the Battle of CVS 1.3618 0.03707 246 170 63 13
382 That one? Awarded by the president himself for 'meritorious delivery of a Big Mac in the face of huge hunger'. 1.3607 0.04071 244 177 46 21
383 Another Trump tweet 1.3607 0.03945 244 174 52 18
384 Is that your wish list for a new president? 1.3607 0.03858 244 172 56 16
385 Well General I guess it’s not quite the ticker tape home coming you expected. 1.3607 0.03902 244 173 54 17
386 They're my sensitivity, anti-defamation, anti-discrimination, anti-misogymy, no-means-no, and other training completion dates, of which you can see I'm very proud. I'm getting more ice for my water, would you care to join me? 1.3607 0.04029 244 176 48 20
387 No ma'am. I am not with the military. I'm with CVS. 1.3595 0.04051 242 175 47 20
388 That one was for the battle of CVS. 1.3595 0.03878 242 171 55 16
389 It's a paper trail on the president's tweets! 1.3595 0.03922 242 172 53 17
390 It's for recording the times the Chief said, 'I wanted nothing.' 1.3595 0.04093 242 176 45 21
391 It's the only way to monitor his Twitter posts adequately. 1.3595 0.03834 242 170 57 15
392 We keep a list of those who have left the administration so we can reduce the awkward conversation at these functions. 1.3583 0.03692 240 173 51 16
393 Left the tag on so I can return them in the morning. 1.3583 0.03762 240 167 60 13
394 Old Navy. 1.3583 0.03620 240 174 50 16
395 That one was awarded to me by the Dollar General. 1.3571 0.03964 238 170 51 17
396 I just get tired of explaining them all. 1.3571 0.03919 238 169 53 16
397 It was going to be a joke for the New Yorker, however, they don't understand humor. 1.3571 0.04053 238 172 47 19
398 That one's for shopping behind enemy lines. 1.3559 0.03800 236 165 58 13
399 I got them from CVS 1.3559 0.03986 236 169 50 17
400 I get the need for a bribe receipt. But these coupons go on forever. 1.3559 0.03555 236 160 68 8
401 Our small talk has been perfect. Read the transcript. 1.3559 0.03986 236 169 50 17
402 All sales are Semper final. 1.3559 0.03894 236 167 54 15
403 Every medal comes at a price. 1.3559 0.03894 236 167 54 15
404 Dollar General did you say? 1.3559 0.04163 236 173 42 21
405 And these are honorable mentions. 1.3556 0.03768 239 167 59 13
406 I know firsthand the cost of war. 1.3556 0.03950 239 171 51 17
407 Of course all the medals are mine. The receipt proves it. 1.3547 0.03868 234 165 55 14
408 That one is for bravery in purchasing feminine hygiene products for my wife at a CSV. 1.3547 0.04142 234 171 43 20
409 I got that one for Convenience, Value, and Service. 1.3547 0.04053 234 169 47 18
410 I bragged about doing the grocery shopping so the wife pinned this on me. 1.3547 0.04142 234 171 43 20
411 Yes ma’am, that one converts tweets into orders. 1.3547 0.04098 234 170 45 19
412 Given the current situation, it seems wisest to keep a record of everything I do. 1.3547 0.04053 234 169 47 18
413 These? They're not worth the paper they're written on. 1.3547 0.04007 234 168 49 17
414 And this is the president's tweet pardoning me. 1.3547 0.03961 234 167 51 16
415 It's an IOU from Pres. Trump. 1.3547 0.04230 234 173 39 22
416 Does it really look more stupid than 75 pins and ribbons? 1.3534 0.03983 232 166 50 16
417 It's the receipt for my being the adult in the room. 1.3534 0.04166 232 170 42 20
418 Wow, a Black Friday Distinguished Service Ribbon. 1.3534 0.03318 232 178 36 18
419 I got tired of retelling what they stand for. 1.3534 0.03936 232 165 52 15
420 That one's for winning the Battle At CVS. 1.3534 0.03840 232 168 48 16
421 I get live updates from the Impeachment Inquiry. 1.3534 0.04030 232 167 48 17
422 If you will excuse me - the President is Tweeting. 1.3527 0.03980 224 159 51 14
423 Was your service included? 1.3519 0.04131 216 155 46 15
424 And that's a list of the other medals I could've won if I'd wanted to. 1.3514 0.04002 222 158 50 14
425 Don't make assumptions until you have all the fax. 1.3514 0.04053 222 159 48 15
426 Yes, Ma'am. The Fifth Armored CVS Division is a real unit. 1.3514 0.04103 222 160 46 16
427 That’s for outspending the enemy a thousand to one. 1.3514 0.04297 222 164 38 20
428 No Ma'am, that's the cost of Freedom. 1.3496 0.03850 226 159 55 12
429 To be honest, it's to remind me what all these ribbons and medals were for. 1.3496 0.04285 226 168 37 21
430 It’s the cost of war 1.3488 0.04243 215 157 41 17
431 Survived Vietnam, Afganistan, Iraq and Trump 1.3488 0.04294 215 158 39 18
432 Some carry out orders; others simply carry them. 1.3482 0.03973 224 160 50 14
433 I get points whenever we go to war. 1.3482 0.04023 224 161 48 15
434 Hush money receipts for every time I've kept my mouth shut about the current administration. 1.3482 0.03922 224 159 52 13
435 I got that one for escaping the IKEA in Paramus_ 1.3482 0.04121 224 163 44 17
436 That one? Black Friday, ma'am. Hell on earth. Damn proud of what I saved though. 1.3482 0.04217 224 165 40 19
437 It’s my to-do list. Every time I cross something off, my wife gives me a star. 1.3482 0.04169 224 164 42 18
438 It's a list of topics that can offend me. 1.3482 0.03871 224 158 54 12
439 Oh Trump has us all wearing these. These are the list of crimes we did NOT commit. 1.3482 0.04217 224 165 40 19
440 It's a list of things we can no longer do. 1.3482 0.03973 224 160 50 14
441 I also take orders. 1.3468 0.03995 222 159 49 14
442 It's for bravery in accountancy 1.3468 0.04337 222 166 35 21
443 That one’s for Distinguished Customer Service. 1.3468 0.03995 222 159 49 14
444 Please, look up at my eyes. 1.3468 0.04384 222 167 33 22
445 I got the idea from Banksey. 1.3468 0.04194 222 163 41 18
446 The top bars I earned , the list is the ones I drank at. 1.3468 0.04096 222 161 45 16
447 It's a simple explanation of each medal for those in Congress. 1.3468 0.04096 222 161 45 16
448 To provide fair warning, it's a list of all the things I'll end up saying tonight that will likely "trigger" someone. 1.3440 0.04143 218 159 43 16
449 Everyone is always thanking me for my service, but nobody ever leaves a tip. 1.3426 0.03788 216 151 56 9
450 The pentagon transparency policy on expenses is getting out of hand! 1.3426 0.03788 216 151 56 9
451 Unfortunately I was cashiered. 1.3426 0.04320 216 161 36 19
452 It is a real-time transcript of this conversation. You will have to sign and date it when we are finished talking, and I will have to submit it to Congress. 1.3426 0.04115 216 157 44 15
453 Damn, I forgot to get groceries. 1.3426 0.04115 216 157 44 15
454 I'm sick of having to explain all these ribbons... 1.3412 0.04180 211 154 42 15
455 I'd remove it, but that would be a federal crime. 1.3412 0.04126 211 153 44 14
456 My list of Presidential Pardons! 1.3412 0.04126 211 153 44 14
457 It was Black Friday, 2011. The deals were plentiful. So were the shoppers. It’s hard for me to even talk about. 1.3397 0.04038 209 150 47 12
458 This medal I am most proud of ...I came in under budget for the Defense Department 20 straight years. 1.3397 0.04038 209 150 47 12
459 If I get one more honor I will have to switch to 8pt font. 1.3397 0.03863 209 147 53 9
460 It's an ongoing transcript that even a Congressman can understand. 1.3397 0.04094 209 151 45 13
461 I think you have a fax coming in. 1.3397 0.03981 209 149 49 11
462 .........And you still work for him? 1.3397 0.04366 209 156 35 18
463 How long were you stationed at CVS? 1.3382 0.04394 207 155 34 18
464 ...and this one I received for the Battle of Walmart on Black Friday. 1.3382 0.04175 207 151 42 14
465 In retirement, I'm doing security for CVS now. 1.3382 0.04340 207 154 36 17
466 It’s my cost over-run ribbon 1.3382 0.04118 207 150 44 13
467 Yes, you could say my service record is the opposite of Trump's. 1.3382 0.04231 207 152 40 15
468 Wash in cold water. Detach medals before loading. 1.3382 0.04061 207 149 46 12
469 It's the Military Industrial Complex Medal of Honor. 1.3366 0.03966 205 146 49 10
470 Removal of tag voids warranty. 1.3366 0.04143 205 149 43 13
471 It’s a transcript of my Congressional testimony. 1.3366 0.04313 205 152 37 16
472 Oh that? That's my list of citations for Valor In Spite of Trump. 1.3366 0.04313 205 152 37 16
473 General Store, at your service, ma'am. 1.3366 0.04200 205 150 41 14
474 It's for bravery in the line of procurement. 1.3366 0.04085 205 148 45 12
475 We are now tracking the relationship of Pentagon spending to the National Debt in real time. 1.3366 0.04200 205 150 41 14
476 Excuse me miss but my eyes are up here! 1.3366 0.04143 205 149 43 13
477 Its my Medal of Fiscal Responsibility 1.3366 0.04085 205 148 45 12
478 That one is for securing a Popeye’s chicken sandwich for the Commander-in-Chief. 1.3366 0.04085 205 148 45 12
479 I'm in charge of procurement -- that's a medal from CVS. 1.3366 0.04200 205 150 41 14
480 Freedom has it's costs. 1.3366 0.04143 205 149 43 13
481 I'm a General Accountant 1.3366 0.04143 205 149 43 13
482 Instead of handing out medals, now they award us shopping points at Whole Foods. 1.3366 0.04313 205 152 37 16
483 Wow. That’s a lot of ex-wives. 1.3366 0.04143 205 149 43 13
484 That ribbon? It's for justifying military budget increases. 1.3350 0.04193 197 143 42 12
485 Medals, yes, and a "participation printout." 1.3350 0.04315 197 145 38 14
486 That one's my special commendation from CVS. 1.3350 0.04226 203 149 40 14
487 I was a war machine, but they demote me to adding machine 1.3350 0.04226 203 149 40 14
488 I see you've paid your dues. 1.3350 0.04168 203 148 42 13
489 My job makes me cold and calculating. 1.3350 0.04226 203 149 40 14
490 It’s the cost of war Ma’am. 1.3350 0.04109 203 147 44 12
491 ... and if you call the number on the receipt you get a 10% discount on all munitions. 1.3350 0.03864 203 143 52 8
492 Those are all for debasing myself in meetings with the President. 1.3350 0.04283 203 150 38 15
493 I got that when I was a young cashier back in ‘83, during the Cabbage Patch Assault. Black Friday can change a man... 1.3350 0.04505 203 154 30 19
494 The coat was just getting too heavy. That's the full itemized list of my distinguished career. 1.3350 0.04283 203 150 38 15
495 I earned that buying one bomber that could have paid for Universal Healthcare. 1.3350 0.04226 203 149 40 14
496 It's a long story. 1.3333 0.04310 201 149 37 15
497 Yes madam, it is the Golden Sales Receipt with diamond clusters. It is awarded annually by the vast military industrial complex for those Pentagon officials who purchase over 1 billion dollars worth of military hardware annually. 1.3333 0.04390 192 142 36 14
498 Before you say anything, please sign your name and indicate the purpose of our conversation. 1.3333 0.04199 192 139 42 11
499 We lost a lot of good men on Black Friday 1.3333 0.04072 201 145 45 11
500 My goodness, what an impressive list of subpoenas. 1.3333 0.04390 192 142 36 14
501 ...And this one is for a full refund in case the President decides he's done with me. 1.3333 0.04264 192 140 40 12
502 General, do you think it’s wise to have the nuclear codes pinned to your chest? 1.3333 0.04390 192 142 36 14
503 In the good old days we could spend 64 thousand on a hammer, now it’s all about accountability. 1.3333 0.04501 189 141 33 15
504 No, not Army. I’m the Captain of CVS. 1.3333 0.04572 192 145 30 17
505 I got that one for spending $12,000 on a toilet seat. 1.3333 0.04367 201 150 35 16
506 It’s the Distinguished Ledger: for submitting expense reports on time and meritorious adherence to budget. 1.3333 0.04134 192 138 44 10
507 That one's for making a CVS run for the platoon. 1.3333 0.04133 201 146 43 12
508 It's my list for Santa. 1.3333 0.04390 192 142 36 14
509 ...and this last medal is self-explanatory. 1.3333 0.04199 192 139 42 11
510 You're probably guessing where to insert your card, madam. 1.3333 0.04264 192 140 40 12
511 So you did this week's shopping. What do you want, a medal? 1.3333 0.04424 201 151 33 17
512 I'm in charge of the General Accounting Office 1.3317 0.04034 199 143 46 10
513 Freedom isn't free, you know. It comes with a price tag! 1.3317 0.03970 199 142 48 9
514 To continue this conversation, you must acknowledge that you have read these terms and conditions, including the words to use in place of "war." 1.3317 0.04218 199 146 40 13
515 It's the President's new policy. He can just yank it and deflate your career. 1.3317 0.04452 199 150 32 17
516 I keep the receipt so people know they're mine. 1.3317 0.04096 199 144 44 11
517 I stopped at CVS on the way to the party. 1.3317 0.04509 199 151 30 18
518 I only go to Hill receptions with a list. It helps reduce impulse defense spending. 1.3317 0.04278 199 147 38 14
519 What the enemy didn’t count on that day was that we would save $2 on Tylenol. 1.3317 0.04509 199 151 30 18
520 I did three tours at Best Buy on Black Friday. 1.3317 0.04278 199 147 38 14
521 And this one's a list of tweets where the President defended my war crimes. 1.3317 0.04218 199 146 40 13
522 It’s for bravery in fighting over the bar tab. 1.3317 0.04218 199 146 40 13
523 I ran the paperwork division. 1.3317 0.04218 199 146 40 13
524 And this one's for my time in the Pentagon budget office. 1.3317 0.04188 199 148 37 14
525 So you shop at CVS too? 1.3317 0.03906 199 141 50 8
526 I'm on an expense account. 1.3299 0.04057 197 142 45 10
527 Yes, the President ordered we wear the NATO countries that owe us money. 1.3299 0.04423 197 148 33 16
528 Niet, Fraulein, vy vould ve interfere vid your elections? 1.3299 0.04305 197 146 37 14
529 This is just a small list of awards I should have received. 1.3299 0.04057 197 142 45 10
530 Oh, that's my congressional committee testimony transcript. 1.3299 0.04183 197 144 41 12
531 That's for my time in the Merchant Marines. 1.3299 0.04244 197 145 39 13
532 It’s the receipt for a hammer 1.3299 0.04539 197 150 29 18
533 It's a running tally of what it's cost me to serve my country. 1.3282 0.04332 195 145 36 14
534 That one’s for overseeing the only defense contract to stay within budget. 1.3282 0.04452 195 147 32 16
535 I believe that honesty is showing exactly how you bought your way to the top. 1.3282 0.04332 195 145 36 14
536 And I earned this one for my role in Operation CVS Run. 1.3282 0.04208 195 143 40 12
537 They represent twelve years active combat and one morning buying dental floss at CVS. 1.3245 0.04437 188 141 33 14
538 Make sure you read the back too. 1.3245 0.04563 188 143 29 16
539 Yes, I survived the battle of CVS. 1.3245 0.04104 188 136 43 9
540 How else would I know what they're for? 1.3245 0.04173 188 137 41 10
541 The list of “should-have-been-medals,” is a touch passive-aggressive, Harry, but you look absolutely dapper! 1.3245 0.04372 188 140 35 13
542 This way I won't forget my $3 CVS coupon. 1.3245 0.04307 188 139 37 12
543 And that one is a CVS ExtraBucks reward I keep forgetting to use. 1.3245 0.04173 188 137 41 10
544 That's all the war crimes I've been pardoned for. 1.3245 0.04501 188 142 31 15
545 It’s the Ukranian Medal of Honor. 1.3245 0.04372 188 140 35 13
546 Actually, it’s your share of this year’s Defense budget. Will that be cash, check or credit card 1.3245 0.04563 188 143 29 16
547 We're now required to wear the transcript. 1.3245 0.04240 188 138 39 11
548 Ma'am! This piece of chest candy is my list of confirmed conversation killers since 21 hundred hours. 1.3245 0.04240 188 138 39 11
549 I once brought home everything on my wife’s grocery list. 1.3245 0.04104 188 136 43 9
550 ‘’...and my wife gave me that one.” 1.3226 0.04198 186 136 40 10
551 If and when my hearing comes, I want to prove now I bought the refreshments with my own money. 1.3226 0.04198 186 136 40 10
552 They had to list all my war crimes, too. 1.3226 0.04401 186 139 34 13
553 For heroism in office conflicts we get the Paper Heart. 1.3226 0.04466 186 140 32 14
554 You see this receipt? It's the cost of freedom. 1.3226 0.04198 186 136 40 10
555 The PX Commendation Medal. 1.3226 0.04401 186 139 34 13
556 I saved a lot that day. 1.3226 0.04198 186 136 40 10
557 Before I was in charge of military intelligence, I designed the receipts for CVS. 1.3226 0.04401 186 139 34 13
558 It’s a list of other other jobs I can do in case Trump fires me. 1.3226 0.04198 186 136 40 10
559 ...and I got that one for fighting the crowds on Black Friday. 1.3207 0.04362 184 137 35 12
560 I hear you're the most decorated CVS cashier. 1.3207 0.04627 184 141 27 16
561 Apparently I hit the wrong Target. 1.3207 0.04430 184 138 33 13
562 It’s a receipt. With cuts in military spending. I pay for my own medals. 1.3207 0.04153 184 134 41 9
563 It’s part of the new dress code. It shows how many times we’ve golfed at Mar-a-Lago. 1.3207 0.04294 184 136 37 11
564 Yes, sniper, ma'am. I hit the Target. 1.3207 0.04294 184 136 37 11
565 No wonder they call you Dollar General 1.3207 0.04294 184 136 37 11
566 Walgreens is Hell. 1.3207 0.04224 184 135 39 10
567 Well, when you’ve been subpoenaed to testify in an impeachment hearing, you better have receipts.” 1.3207 0.04362 184 137 35 12
568 I am not the whistleblower. 1.3207 0.04430 184 138 33 13
569 As the Accountant General I itemize the price of freedom, Ma’am. 1.3207 0.04153 184 134 41 9
570 Before I joined the Army I worked at CVS 1.3207 0.04562 184 140 29 15
571 That's for surviving Costco's check-out line. 1.3207 0.04153 184 134 41 9
572 Yeah, I know I’ve had too many when I start to list. 1.3207 0.04497 184 139 31 14
573 But it's embarrassing when you pin the 'to do' list on my uniform. 1.3207 0.04224 184 135 39 10
574 I got this medal for the number of stays in the president's hotels. 1.3207 0.04430 184 138 33 13
575 That's my bar tab 1.3207 0.04497 184 139 31 14
576 That's my medal bucket list. 1.3207 0.04153 184 134 41 9
577 The long one? Afghanistan" 1.3207 0.04224 184 135 39 10
578 I left on a Dishonorable Over-Charge, as you can see. 1.3207 0.04362 184 137 35 12
579 It's a Medal for Bravery, earned while shopping at Costco over the holidays. 1.3207 0.04430 184 138 33 13
580 I got that one for bravery while serving in "The Black Friday Rush" at CVS. 1.3207 0.04081 184 133 43 8
581 I'm running a tab for service rendered. 1.3207 0.04362 184 137 35 12
582 That one’s for surviving the great Best Buy Black Friday of 2013. 1.3207 0.04294 184 136 37 11
583 I'd let you read it, but then I'd have to kill you. 1.3207 0.04294 184 136 37 11
584 I was on checkout duty 1.3207 0.04117 184 141 30 13
585 I'm extremely proud of my CVS reward points! 1.3207 0.04294 184 136 37 11
586 Excuse me but I have a fax coming in from President Trump 1.3207 0.04362 184 137 35 12
587 You’re welcome for my service – here’s your bill 1.3207 0.04430 184 138 33 13
588 Ma’am please take your receipt. You’ve received bonus points toward your next military encounter. 1.3207 0.04153 184 134 41 9
589 I was wounded at the mall on Black Friday. 1.3207 0.04294 184 136 37 11
590 I earned a coupon for ten dollars off my next war. 1.3207 0.04294 184 136 37 11
591 Yes ma’am, I served with General Ledger himself. 1.3187 0.04251 182 134 38 10
592 It’s Major Savings ma’am 1.3187 0.03955 182 130 46 6
593 Medal? No, that’s my CVS receipt. 1.3167 0.04277 180 133 37 10
594 And this one's for continuing to advance the impeachment process in the face of withering partisan firepower with complete disregard for my own future 1.3167 0.04277 180 133 37 10
595 As you can see I've been to CVS. 1.3167 0.04490 180 136 31 13
596 These ribbons cost me plenty. 1.3167 0.04277 180 133 37 10
597 It's instructions on how to blow a whistle. 1.3146 0.04450 178 134 32 12
598 Yes Ma'am, each citation is for a subpoena I refused to answer.. 1.3146 0.04378 178 133 34 11
599 I have a laundry list of decorations. 1.3146 0.04450 178 134 32 12
600 Ooh! I love a man who makes his background check readily available! 1.3146 0.04520 178 135 30 13
601 It's a fax. I never figured out email. 1.3146 0.04305 178 132 36 10
602 It's for shopping five days straight at CVS. 1.3146 0.04520 178 135 30 13
603 The medals are nice, but what's with your wife's shopping list? 1.3146 0.04378 178 133 34 11
604 That's a special commendation for surviving a visit to CVS. 1.3146 0.03919 178 132 38 8
605 You want the amortization? You can’t handle the amortization! 1.3146 0.04230 178 131 38 9
606 If I tear it off I cant return it 1.3146 0.04230 178 131 38 9
607 Am I on your naughty list? 1.3146 0.04520 178 135 30 13
608 I was wounded in the CVS at Ft. Dix. 1.3146 0.04450 178 134 32 12
609 I earned this one for bravery...and THIS one at the battle of CVS. 1.3146 0.04341 178 135 31 12
610 These medals came at a price. 1.3125 0.04180 176 129 39 8
611 Its seems that my Medals of Honor are going through an audit. 1.3125 0.04332 176 131 35 10
612 The White House lawyers recommended I keep a running list of all the things I might get subpoenaed for. 1.3125 0.04552 176 134 29 13
613 I kept forgetting the milk. 1.3125 0.04180 176 129 39 8
614 Oh, goodness sir, have all those charges been dismissed! 1.3125 0.04480 176 133 31 12
615 ...and the last badge is actually just an IOU from the government. 1.3125 0.04219 176 132 34 10
616 Master Chief Cashier at Old Navy. 1.3114 0.04239 167 122 38 7
617 The true cost of war is something most people will never know. 1.3114 0.04645 167 127 28 12
618 And I've got the receipt to prove it. 1.3114 0.04065 167 120 42 5
619 This is everything I need for a new arm. 1.3103 0.04361 174 130 34 10
620 It's the exact cost of bravery. 1.3103 0.04206 174 128 38 8
621 It's for paperwork under fire, damn it ! 1.3103 0.04284 174 129 36 9
622 Stand still. I think I saw a typo. 1.3103 0.04399 174 133 29 12
623 This read out answers all dumb questions about my ribbons. 1.3103 0.04436 174 131 32 11
624 It's a grocery list. My wife put it where she knew I would see it. 1.3103 0.04511 174 132 30 12
625 Fill out our online survey for a chance to win a no-bid procurement contract. 1.3103 0.04126 174 127 40 7
626 The President gave me a ticker tape parade. 1.3103 0.03919 174 127 41 6
627 I was awarded the Purple Heart and a CVS receipt. 1.3103 0.04436 174 131 32 11
628 Oh, and that one recognizes the paper trail I conquered. 1.3099 0.03243 171 130 35 6
629 That's the shortest CVS receipt I've ever seen. 1.3099 0.04640 171 131 27 13
630 Pre-cocktail chat terms and conditions, ma’am. 1.3099 0.03827 171 121 47 3
631 Generally speaking, I'm a take charge guy 1.3099 0.04489 171 129 31 11
632 That one's for the rescue mission at the CVS, Baghdad. 1.3099 0.04489 171 129 31 11
633 ..... And that's the receipt from Costco for all the medals. 1.3099 0.04411 171 128 33 10
634 I command a nuclear sub, but I can't remember what to get at the grocery store. 1.3099 0.04489 171 129 31 11
635 It's remembered now as "Black Friday" 1.3099 0.04253 171 126 37 8
636 I may have the commendations, Madam, but you have the chest to pin them on! 1.3099 0.04713 171 132 25 14
637 I said, 'I'm not getting our groceries!' and then she pulled rank. 1.3099 0.04640 171 131 27 13
638 I just want you to know that these medals came at a great personal cost. 1.3099 0.04333 171 127 35 9
639 Yes, I did actually pass by the dry cleaners. Why do you ask? 1.3099 0.04333 171 127 35 9
640 Mine's a rental, too. 1.3099 0.04088 171 124 41 6
641 My wife pins the grocery list there so I don't lose it. 1.3099 0.04565 171 130 29 12
642 What a fascinating list of all of your PTSD triggers. 1.3099 0.04565 171 130 29 12
643 I was awarded these ribbons by CVS. 1.3099 0.04489 171 129 31 11
644 "Yes, that's from the Battle of CVS. I don't like talking about it." 1.3099 0.04713 171 132 25 14
645 Would you like to fill out a quick online survey about your experience with the US Military for a chance to a win a $20 coupon? 1.3099 0.04489 171 129 31 11
646 I went into a Costco on a Saturday. I don’t like to talk about it. 1.3099 0.04640 171 131 27 13
647 Full disclosure . . . ex-wives. 1.3099 0.04253 171 126 37 8
648 So, what did you get at CVS? 1.3095 0.04464 168 126 32 10
649 It appears that you survived Whole Foods 1.3095 0.04621 168 128 28 12
650 Dollar General.” 1.3077 0.04025 169 122 42 5
651 This one is for extraordinary heroism in tax filing. 1.3077 0.04441 169 127 32 10
652 Well, I got tired of answering what the ribbons mean to civilians. 1.3077 0.04361 169 126 34 9
653 It's my 'Black Friday' combat ribbon 1.3077 0.04441 169 127 32 10
654 Oh wow, I see you were pardoned by more than two presidents. 1.3077 0.04597 169 129 28 12
655 No, that's not an ATM in my pocket. And, no, I'm not happy to see you. 1.3077 0.04520 169 128 30 11
656 ...and that's the one they give you for cost overruns. 1.3077 0.04520 169 128 30 11
657 That’s my commendation ribbon for heroism in the face of hostile tweets. 1.3077 0.04520 169 128 30 11
658 This one memorializes that fateful day when our batallion ran a bar tab that staggered even the Pentagon budgeters. 1.3077 0.04441 169 127 32 10
659 It's from my wife. A list of things they don't give medals for. 1.3077 0.04520 169 128 30 11
660 Just “checking you out” 1.3077 0.04280 169 125 36 8
661 Yet you women always complain when men stare at your chests ! 1.3077 0.04597 169 129 28 12
662 It’s the Pentagon shopping list. 1.3077 0.04280 169 125 36 8
663 And that's not even the half of it. 1.3077 0.04520 169 128 30 11
664 I assure you, Helen, we didn’t charge you twice for Somalia 1.3077 0.04280 169 125 36 8
665 You see, while I may have lost my medals, I did keep the receipt. 1.3077 0.04673 169 130 26 13
666 Please do not remove your card until prompted 1.3077 0.04559 169 131 25 13
667 It's my Purple heart disclaimer. 1.3077 0.04196 169 124 38 7
668 Well, the Commander in Chief insists that I receive his tweets. 1.3077 0.04520 169 128 30 11
669 Yes, I'm an Army pharmacist. Why do you ask? 1.3077 0.04520 169 128 30 11
670 That's a note from my doctor excusing me from combat due to my bone spurs. 1.3077 0.04821 169 132 22 15
671 That one is from the Battle of CVS. 1.3054 0.04858 167 131 21 15
672 All I know is one is for losing my memory. 1.3054 0.04307 167 124 35 8
673 I check out at these holiday parties. 1.3054 0.04431 167 128 28 11
674 Retired. CVS. You? 1.3054 0.04307 167 124 35 8
675 We're looking at going paperless 1.3054 0.04222 167 123 37 7
676 You paid how much for that uniform? 1.3054 0.04431 167 128 28 11
677 For I am the very model of a modern major general! 1.3054 0.04471 167 126 31 10
678 It's a receipt for ribbons and medals that are back-ordered. 1.3054 0.04390 167 125 33 9
679 Most of them are from my time in ‘nam, but one’s from last Thursday in CVS. 1.3054 0.04471 167 126 31 10
680 It's the pronouns preferred by each of my direct reports. 1.3054 0.04471 167 126 31 10
681 I was awarded that one for Black Friday bravery. 1.3054 0.04551 167 127 29 11
682 Are those all tweets from your boss?? 1.3054 0.04551 167 127 29 11
683 Stop staring and thank me for my service! 1.3054 0.04307 167 124 35 8
684 I don't remember paying for that war. 1.3054 0.04630 167 128 27 12
685 Need any moisturizer? I have coupons for it this week. 1.3054 0.04630 167 128 27 12
686 Yah, I scored bigtime on Black Friday. Tanks 20% off, grenades 30% off, bombs buy one get one free. 1.3054 0.04471 167 126 31 10
687 So the Trump staff tweets the talking points in real time? 1.3054 0.04551 167 127 29 11
688 If you fill out the survey at the bottom you'll be eligible for a discount on your next purchase. 1.3054 0.03958 167 120 43 4
689 Its a list of witnesses in case any of my military acts need to be pardoned. 1.3054 0.04551 167 127 29 11
690 Distinguished Service, Walmart, Black Friday. 1.3054 0.04471 167 126 31 10
691 I was awarded this by the Procurement Department. It's the receipt for a $300 toilet seat. 1.3054 0.04136 167 122 39 6
692 People just want to look at my chest. Care to tell me how to handle this? 1.3054 0.04630 167 128 27 12
693 Combat Readiness Ribbon ma'am. Walmart platoon...Black Friday Ops...zero dark thirty. 1.3054 0.04551 167 127 29 11
694 Oh, a medal list, I thought you said medalist. 1.3054 0.04307 167 124 35 8
695 ...there's really no need to read this, it's all listed on my tinder profile. 1.3054 0.04390 167 125 33 9
696 It's from the War of 15 Items or Less. 1.3054 0.04307 167 124 35 8
697 No, it is not a purple heart, though you may also have noticed that my dry cleaners charged an arm and a leg. 1.3054 0.04471 167 126 31 10
698 I was cashiered out. 1.3054 0.04390 167 125 33 9
699 That one is for increasing the pentagon budget by twenty percent. 1.3054 0.04390 167 125 33 9
700 All the ribbons fit to print. 1.3054 0.04307 167 124 35 8
701 Excuse me, the President is sending me new orders. 1.3054 0.04471 167 126 31 10
702 I see you served in Kiev 1.3054 0.04551 167 127 29 11
703 Myra,I'll remember the groceries without you pinning the list on me. 1.3054 0.04431 167 128 28 11
704 Campaign ribbon, bar tab tally. 1.3054 0.04390 167 125 33 9
705 I was awarded that after a Black Friday tour at Best Buy 1.3054 0.04390 167 125 33 9
706 Oh that’s just my receipt from CVS 1.3054 0.04471 167 126 31 10
707 I said freedom ain’t for free…and now here’s your bill. 1.3054 0.04003 167 128 30 9
708 Got that one for diligently rooting out and then covering up government waste. 1.3030 0.04249 165 122 36 7
709 Don’t ask, just read. 1.3030 0.04249 165 122 36 7
710 These are tweet medals the President has sent me . 1.3030 0.04663 165 127 26 12
711 As part of the new zero waste program, I have to wear the department budget. And before you say anything, I don’t know how “Biden Research” got on there. 1.3030 0.04819 165 129 22 14
712 At the Pentagon, some people call me the Drugstore Cowboy, some people call me the Gangster of Love. 1.3030 0.04502 165 125 30 10
713 Those? The overruns on the new bomber. 1.3030 0.04663 165 127 26 12
714 This is what it now means to be a 'commissioned officer'. 1.3030 0.04249 165 122 36 7
715 As you can see, the cost of war is going up. 1.3013 0.04762 156 120 25 11
716 It's for not killing anyone while waiting for my CVS receipt. 1.3013 0.04762 156 120 25 11
717 CVS sponsors the military now? 1.3013 0.04494 156 117 31 8
718 This new administration is forcing the military to list to the left. 1.3013 0.04675 156 119 27 10
719 They can subpoena me. As you can see, I have the receipts. 1.3013 0.04494 156 117 31 8
720 That’s for my service in the never-ending wars 1.3013 0.04585 156 118 29 9
721 I command the CVS division 1.3013 0.04762 156 120 25 11
722 These are only of few of my best pickup lines... 1.3013 0.04585 156 118 29 9
723 I'm in the doghouse at home, and so, Yes Ma'am, that is indeed my wife's grocery list. 1.3013 0.04494 156 117 31 8
724 It’s the White Tape commendation for reading all of the Presidents tweets. 1.3013 0.04848 156 121 23 12
725 My list of White House Rules 1.3013 0.04401 156 116 33 7
726 I moonlight as a cash register. 1.3013 0.04401 156 116 33 7
727 That one catalogs POTUS's untruths. 1.3013 0.04848 156 121 23 12
728 Actually I'm in Supply. This is today's Costco list. 1.3013 0.04401 156 116 33 7
729 Oh, that's just my Twitter feed. 1.3013 0.04848 156 121 23 12
730 Is that toilet paper?, oh you must be footman to the President. 1.3013 0.03685 156 124 23 9
731 Is that your subpoena or resignation letter? They're going around like candy these days. 1.3013 0.04933 156 122 21 13
732 To be a General you have to be constantly calculating. 1.3013 0.04494 156 117 31 8
733 My wife wants me to stop at the grocery store after the party. 1.3013 0.04630 156 121 24 11
734 I got that one for being in Walmart on a Saturday. 1.3013 0.04585 156 118 29 9
735 That one's for Operation Extreme Couponing. 1.3013 0.04762 156 120 25 11
736 Oh that. My wife doesn't' trust me to remember the grocery list. 1.3000 0.04590 160 122 28 10
737 Awards bestowed three years ago...now awaiting Senate approval. 1.3000 0.04416 160 120 32 8
738 Yes ma'am, you are correct, it is a toupee. Conversely, are those puppies real? 1.3000 0.05078 160 128 16 16
739 I command the commissary 1.3000 0.04416 160 120 32 8
740 Your tax dollars at work, mam. 1.3000 0.04044 160 121 32 7
741 Oh that? it's a CVS receipt. 1.3000 0.04326 160 119 34 7
742 And that one’s for buying shit at Costco. 1.3000 0.04504 160 121 30 9
743 Step back. Anything that prints out is classified. 1.3000 0.04234 160 118 36 6
744 What was the $12.99 for? 1.3000 0.04234 160 118 36 6
745 Every time someone thanks me for my service I give them a receipt 1.3000 0.04416 160 120 32 8
746 And that one is for standing in line at Costco's the day before Thanksgiving. 1.3000 0.04504 160 121 30 9
747 Trump's tweets about me. 1.3000 0.04590 160 122 28 10
748 Could you check it and confirm I received the military discount. 1.3000 0.04504 160 121 30 9
749 It's a list of talking points from the President. 1.3000 0.04675 160 123 26 11
750 I’m the comptroller-general. 1.3000 0.04504 160 121 30 9
751 Apparently “Target” is also some kind of shopping market. 1.2975 0.04535 158 120 29 9
752 So those are "pending"? 1.2975 0.04445 158 119 31 8
753 It's a list of the battles I lost to my wife. 1.2975 0.04710 158 122 25 11
754 Who do you think came up with the $600 toilet seats and $400 hammers . 1.2975 0.04354 158 118 33 7
755 You’re welcome and that’s the receipt for my service. 1.2975 0.05120 158 127 15 16
756 They are for good conduct in treacherous social settings. 1.2949 0.04831 156 122 22 12
757 The label has to stay on - it's a federal law. 1.2949 0.04657 156 120 26 10
758 "Actually it's my medals wish list. 1.2949 0.04476 156 118 30 8
759 The price of victory 1.2949 0.04567 156 119 28 9
760 Just ongoing grand jury testimony. 1.2949 0.04189 156 115 36 5
761 It’s a disclaimer, stating that: as a decent citizen; I would blow a whistle; if provoked 1.2949 0.04657 156 120 26 10
762 I’m so tired of explaining each one, I just let people read the list. 1.2949 0.04476 156 118 30 8
763 I like to let my military achievements text for themselves. 1.2949 0.04476 156 118 30 8
764 The president requires us to wear an NDA. 1.2949 0.04382 156 117 32 7
765 It’s not a medal. My wife pins me with the grocery list. 1.2949 0.04476 156 118 30 8
766 Please read the small print before I grope you. 1.2949 0.04567 156 119 28 9
767 Oh, I see you've worked in the Trump administration - in several positions. 1.2949 0.04567 156 119 28 9
768 Those are my military awards I have received via Twitter 1.2949 0.04476 156 123 22 11
769 I served under Trump, so there are extenuating circumstances. 1.2949 0.04382 156 117 32 7
770 They ran out of medals so they gave me a raincheck. 1.2949 0.04476 156 118 30 8
771 This is proof of the high cost of war. 1.2949 0.04287 156 116 34 6
772 I earned these medals, and these tweets. 1.2949 0.04476 156 118 30 8
773 If Congress won't take me at my word, I have the receipts to prove it! 1.2949 0.04476 156 118 30 8
774 It's the Award of Merit for Distinguished Budgetary Audacity. 1.2922 0.04506 154 117 29 8
775 I got that one for a covert op at CVS. 1.2922 0.04600 154 118 27 9
776 Defense Appropriations Medal, Madam. 1.2922 0.04506 154 117 29 8
777 If you are brave enough, eventually you run out of space. 1.2922 0.04506 154 117 29 8
778 Mr. Trump said the military must be ready for a ticker tape parade at all times. 1.2922 0.04411 154 116 31 7
779 Who says the military is never held to account? 1.2922 0.04600 154 118 27 9
780 No! I am NOT Romney and this is NOT a Pentagon ATM!” 1.2922 0.03248 154 123 24 7
781 It's a Combat Action Receipt for Black Friday at Walmart. 1.2922 0.04781 154 120 23 11
782 Most of them are from me answering "Yes", to people asking, "What? Do you want a medal for that!" 1.2922 0.04506 154 117 29 8
783 Lean budget: we are running out of ribbons and medals. We are replacing them with a printout of our merits... 1.2922 0.04506 154 117 29 8
784 It helps when I don't know what I don't know. 1.2922 0.04600 154 118 27 9
785 It was awarded for Black Friday 2018. 1.2922 0.04506 154 117 29 8
786 I also accept tips. 1.2922 0.04600 154 118 27 9
787 Pick a war..any war. 1.2922 0.04506 154 117 29 8
788 It’s my pardon, I don’t leave home without it. 1.2922 0.04314 154 115 33 6
789 It's all the pins I'm entitled to after a pardon from the President. 1.2922 0.04781 154 120 23 11
790 I got these during my two tours in 'Aisle 5'. 1.2922 0.04600 154 118 27 9
791 Good Conduct in the Czech-out line.. 1.2922 0.04781 154 120 23 11
792 It's the easiest way to keep up with all the changes. 1.2895 0.04538 152 116 28 8
793 The commander-in-chief is tweeting again. 1.2886 0.04790 149 116 23 10
794 The Administration gave me a receipt for my ethics. 1.2886 0.04883 149 117 21 11
795 It means I was cashiered. Any other stupid questions? 1.2886 0.04497 149 113 29 7
796 It was awarded for extraordinary deficit procurement 1.2886 0.04596 149 114 27 8
797 Yes, it's a receipt. Did you think they gave these things away? 1.2886 0.04596 149 114 27 8
798 This is from the cost overrun campaign. 1.2886 0.04237 149 113 30 6
799 For injuries sustained during a brief incursion with my wife into Bloomingdale's lingerie department on Black Friday. 1.2886 0.04694 149 115 25 9
800 For valor in shopping at CVS. 1.2886 0.04694 149 115 25 9
801 I. Am. A. Robot. I am printing your drink receipt. Running. Out. Of. Ink. 1.2886 0.04596 149 114 27 8
802 I earned this one on Black Friday. 1.2886 0.04596 149 114 27 8
803 Everyone asks. I was in the purchasing department. 1.2886 0.04290 149 111 33 5
804 It’s for Bravery Before Congress and its the actual transcript. 1.2886 0.04790 149 116 23 10
805 If you fill out their evaluation before midnight, they'll send four more ribbons. 1.2886 0.04790 149 116 23 10
806 I won that one for bravery at a CVS register. 1.2886 0.04790 149 116 23 10
807 It happens every time I used the self-check-out. 1.2886 0.04497 149 113 29 7
808 ...and this one is from the Battle of Black Friday. 1.2886 0.04694 149 115 25 9
809 That one's for being in charge of procurement. 1.2886 0.04290 149 111 33 5
810 Just call me Prince Charmin. 1.2886 0.04883 149 117 21 11
811 It's my pardon. 1.2886 0.04596 149 114 27 8
812 You're a taxpayer! Do you want your receipt? 1.2886 0.04694 149 115 25 9
813 Ma'am, you're giving me a military industrial complex. 1.2886 0.04790 149 116 23 10
814 CV? Oh no, CVS. 1.2886 0.04790 149 116 23 10
815 See any foreign interests I can interest you in? 1.2886 0.04975 149 118 19 12
816 That one’s for valor displayed in the skirmish of aisle four at the CVS on West 77th. 1.2886 0.04790 149 116 23 10
817 ...and this one is for my achievements in military spending. 1.2886 0.04883 149 117 21 11
818 A political statement about the U.S. military being for sale to foreign dictators? Ma'am I... Aw, heck! I forgot to take the dang ticket off at the cleaner's again. 1.2886 0.04497 149 113 29 7
819 This conversation alone has cost the taxpayers $1,000. 1.2886 0.04290 149 111 33 5
820 From the Commander in Chief : A bill to NATO. 1.2886 0.04290 149 111 33 5
821 And that's for my time at CVS 1.2886 0.04975 149 118 19 12
822 It's just a rough estimate of what my career costs in taxpayer dollars 1.2886 0.04497 149 113 29 7
823 Yes, it is my Christmas wish list. Proud to serve. Proud to believe! 1.2886 0.04790 149 116 23 10
824 Four star coupons 1.2886 0.03339 149 118 25 6
825 Lighter than hanging 50 medals! 1.2886 0.04290 149 111 33 5
826 Including tips? 1.2886 0.04073 149 109 37 3
827 I believe that there must be accountability in the armed forces... 1.2886 0.04694 149 115 25 9
828 My medal for small talk comes with over thirty conversation topics if you’d like to choose one? 1.2886 0.04497 149 113 29 7
829 You’re welcome. This is the itemized bill for my service. 1.2886 0.04694 149 115 25 9
830 What’s this? An itemized receipt for loss of marriage, loss of children, loss of house, loss of limb et al. Goodness me, how does one assess the value?” “Well, ma’am, I thought the phrase ‘Thank you for your sacrifice’ could use some specificity. 1.2886 0.04790 149 116 23 10
831 It says I have 30 days to decide if I want to return the medal. 1.2886 0.04497 149 113 29 7
832 Then I realized that I was forgetting about all the LinkedIn endorsements... 1.2886 0.04883 149 117 21 11
833 That one is 'Best in Show.' 1.2857 0.04528 147 112 28 7
834 It was a particularly dangerous CVS. 1.2857 0.04922 147 116 20 11
835 It's a new attempt to make military spending readily transparent to the public. 1.2857 0.04528 147 112 28 7
836 Rock, paper, scissors. 1.2857 0.04922 147 116 20 11
837 There’s a new one every week, so we’ve gone electronic. 1.2857 0.04827 147 115 22 10
838 That one is for snagging the best Black Friday deals at Costco. 1.2857 0.04729 147 114 24 9
839 Well, you look good on paper but... 1.2857 0.04827 147 115 22 10
840 Ironically, it was awarded to me for reducing Pentagon waste! 1.2857 0.04528 147 112 28 7
841 Are you looking at my chest? 1.2857 0.04528 147 112 28 7
842 What makes you think I bought any of these? 1.2857 0.04208 147 109 34 4
843 I am now required to wear a lie meter 1.2857 0.04922 147 116 20 11
844 and this one was given to me by the industrial military complex 1.2857 0.04827 147 115 22 10
845 Iraq, Afganistan, CVS. 1.2857 0.04424 147 111 30 6
846 I didn't charge you for the bit about Jim Mattis; the rest comes to $28.50 1.2857 0.04630 147 113 26 8
847 The Battle of Black Friday saw some of my finest accomplishments. 1.2857 0.04922 147 116 20 11
848 I've kept the receipts, just in case the honors need to be returned. 1.2857 0.04528 147 112 28 7
849 Your best before date was yesterday. 1.2857 0.04424 147 111 30 6
850 It's a receipt for the medals I bought. 1.2857 0.04424 147 111 30 6
851 That I received after I single-handedly saved more than 2000 bonus points. 1.2857 0.04630 147 113 26 8
852 Well, I also like to keep abreast of what's happening on Wall Street." 1.2857 0.04096 147 108 36 3
853 I received that award by email, as well." 1.2857 0.04528 147 112 28 7
854 It's a petition to the Commander in Chief to revoke his authority to poke his nose in the Pentagon's affairs. Care to sign? 1.2857 0.04922 147 116 20 11
855 I kick butt and take names. 1.2857 0.04528 147 112 28 7
856 It's a subpoena. 1.2857 0.04528 147 112 28 7
857 I now deeply regret winning the Medal for Valorous Accounting. 1.2857 0.04424 147 111 30 6
858 These are just the cover-ups that have been declassified. 1.2857 0.04208 147 109 34 4
859 My 24/7 duty is to read in real-time the President's twitter feed. The medals light up to alert me to DEFCON changes. And my tie cinches tighter whenever the press asks the President a hard question about the military. 1.2857 0.05199 147 119 14 14
860 I hate it when the President has me pick up groceries. 1.2857 0.04317 147 110 32 5
861 You can remove your credit card now. 1.2857 0.04729 147 114 24 9
862 Thank you for your weapons purchase. Your receipt is printing now. 1.2838 0.04398 148 112 30 6
863 My wife insists I'll forget to pickup groceries. 1.2828 0.04714 145 115 20 10
864 I knew I recognized you from somewhere. Costco, right? 1.2828 0.04559 145 111 27 7
865 It's a list of favors I owe Trump. One for each medal. 1.2828 0.04864 145 114 21 10
866 That's the transcript of my testimony. 1.2828 0.04559 145 111 27 7
867 They’re I.O.U’s since the last sequestration. 1.2828 0.04233 145 108 33 4
868 These days accountability takes many forms. 1.2828 0.04344 145 109 31 5
869 Ah! Yes, well, HOPING for reimbursements. 1.2828 0.04663 145 112 25 8
870 I got that for my tour of duty at the CVS in Kandahar. 1.2828 0.04559 145 111 27 7
871 They didn't give me all the medals I deserved so I wrote them down. 1.2828 0.04663 145 112 25 8
872 Personal conquest,,,,wanna add your name? 1.2828 0.04663 145 112 25 8
873 Yes, I do shop at CVS. 1.2828 0.04453 145 110 29 6
874 I got that one for valor at the Battle of CVS 1.2828 0.04864 145 114 21 10
875 Let's just say I was *pretty* high up at CVS! 1.2828 0.04765 145 113 23 9
876 It's for meritorious spending in time of peace." 1.2828 0.04453 145 110 29 6
877 Got it for saving a fax machine under heavy fire. 1.2828 0.04559 145 111 27 7
878 This one I got for shopping with the wife on Black Friday. 1.2828 0.04559 145 111 27 7
879 Oh, don't worry about the running tab. We'll get the taxpayers to cover. 1.2828 0.04453 145 110 29 6
880 I was awarded this one for the battle of Wal-Mart, black friday, 2010 1.2828 0.04000 145 116 21 8
881 It’s the receipt. They’re rented. You got a problem with that?” 1.2797 0.04592 143 110 26 7
882 I'm issuing you a security clearance to my pants. 1.2797 0.04801 143 112 22 9
883 Jot down your name and number to thank me for my service. 1.2797 0.04801 143 112 22 9
884 Been to CVS lately? 1.2797 0.04698 143 111 24 8
885 It's a running total of government ecpenditure for our night out 1.2797 0.04592 143 110 26 7
886 Yes, ma'am. I served in the Banana Republic. 1.2797 0.04698 143 111 24 8
887 Inducted in ‘73, cashiered in ‘13. 1.2797 0.04592 143 110 26 7
888 The tab’s on me. 1.2797 0.04903 143 113 20 10
889 As you can see, I'm not a complete sell out. 1.2797 0.04698 143 111 24 8
890 Is that a CVS receipt? 1.2797 0.04903 143 113 20 10
891 It’s an itemized bill for people who honestly want to thank me for my service. 1.2797 0.04592 143 110 26 7
892 Mostly for combat, but that one’s from CVS. 1.2797 0.04698 143 111 24 8
893 ...and that one is for distinguished service at CVS. 1.2797 0.05195 143 116 14 13
894 Overbudget one lousy billion dollar officer's john and they never let you forget. 1.2797 0.04698 143 111 24 8
895 I'm tired of explaining what they're for. 1.2797 0.04592 143 110 26 7
896 I got this one for bombing Costco 1.2797 0.04801 143 112 22 9
897 It's an 'I participated' ribbon. Budget cuts, you know. 1.2797 0.04801 143 112 22 9
898 Black Friday at CVS left scars. 1.2797 0.04645 143 113 21 9
899 It may look a little out of place but this is a big deal in Army Accounting. 1.2797 0.04698 143 111 24 8
900 It’s the receipt for my political contributions. 1.2797 0.04592 143 110 26 7
901 I'm the general in charge of the Office of Management and Budget. 1.2797 0.04592 143 110 26 7
902 They gave us a printer since our orders come via Twitter these days. 1.2797 0.04801 143 112 22 9
903 They came at a price. 1.2797 0.04483 143 109 28 6
904 No, it isn’t a receipt from a costume shop! 1.2797 0.04372 143 108 30 5
905 I'm a five-star general at CVS. 1.2797 0.05002 143 114 18 11
906 Actually, I'm the General's teleprompter. 1.2797 0.04592 143 110 26 7
907 So, according to that Haliburton receipt those patches cost $250,000? 1.2797 0.04592 143 110 26 7
908 Wow! A list of wars you’ve fought in since I was born. 1.2797 0.04698 143 111 24 8
909 I didn't know they give medals for accounting. 1.2797 0.04698 143 111 24 8
910 My wife asked me to do the shopping this week. 1.2797 0.04592 143 110 26 7
911 New medals designed by Banksy. Please don’t pull on it. 1.2797 0.04592 143 110 26 7
912 I have to stop for groceries on the way home. 1.2797 0.04903 143 113 20 10
913 That one I got at Dollar General. 1.2797 0.05002 143 114 18 11
914 My wife stitched this one on to remind me of what to pick up on the way home. 1.2797 0.04592 143 110 26 7
915 How long have you been Lieutenant Commander of CVS? 1.2797 0.05002 143 114 18 11
916 I was running out of jacket. 1.2797 0.04483 143 109 28 6
917 That’s the disclaimer. 1.2797 0.04372 143 108 30 5
918 No, it's a grocery list my wife gave me. 1.2797 0.04903 143 113 20 10
919 Black Friday 2018. Brick and mortar everywhere. 1.2797 0.04592 143 110 26 7
920 It's a list of orders from my wife. 1.2797 0.04483 143 109 28 6
921 I can't speak to that but you can read my thoughts. 1.2797 0.04698 143 111 24 8
922 You thought your outfit is expensive? Check how much mine costs taxpayers! 1.2797 0.04801 143 112 22 9
923 Those are the president's tweets about me 1.2797 0.04258 143 107 32 4
924 This is my receipt for claiming that Trump is a true patriot. 1.2797 0.05002 143 114 18 11
925 I received this Customer Service Ribbon in the 6th Ave CVS Division. 1.2797 0.04801 143 112 22 9
926 No, that is not a receipt for my "little costume." 1.2797 0.04698 143 111 24 8
927 The ribbon? It’s my wife’s grocery list. If I forget the sugar this time, she’ll take my right arm. 1.2797 0.04592 143 110 26 7
928 I served in CVS, Walgreens and Costco 1.2797 0.04698 143 111 24 8
929 Oh, sorry; did you say you'd prefer your receipt emailed?" 1.2797 0.04698 143 111 24 8
930 The Battle of CVS. 1.2797 0.04592 143 110 26 7
931 Since no one knows what they mean, I printed a list of descriptions. 1.2797 0.04372 143 108 30 5
932 That one was for telling the Commander-in-Chief to go fuck himself. 1.2797 0.05100 143 115 16 12
933 I got this one after my second tour of duty at CVS. 1.2797 0.04903 143 113 20 10
934 is that my bar tab? 1.2797 0.04483 143 109 28 6
935 I was once wounded shopping at a CVS. 1.2797 0.04801 143 112 22 9
936 It's my bucket list for other medals. 1.2797 0.04801 143 112 22 9
937 If my resignation is requested, Costco's uniform refund policy applies. 1.2797 0.04903 143 113 20 10
938 I find it best to keep a transcript of all my conversations. You can keep the paper copy of this one. 1.2797 0.04592 143 110 26 7
939 Sure, I love explaining why we spend so much on defense. 1.2797 0.04801 143 112 22 9
940 I am just as proud to say that I did the grocery shopping this week. 1.2797 0.04483 143 109 28 6
941 It's a list explaining all the decorations. 1.2797 0.04903 143 113 20 10
942 Why yes, I am in procurement and supply. How did you know? 1.2797 0.04372 143 108 30 5
943 No! I earned these without any help from President Trump. 1.2797 0.04698 143 111 24 8
944 I got tired of explaining what the medals are for so I made a list for anyone who cares to read it. 1.2797 0.04372 143 108 30 5
945 That one is for valiantly shopping at CVS. 1.2797 0.04698 143 111 24 8
946 It's amazing really. The longer I support Trump, the longer my list of accomplishments. May I grab your pussy now? 1.2797 0.05002 143 114 18 11
947 Distinguished Secret Shopper. 1.2797 0.05002 143 114 18 11
948 And this one is for serving at the front of CVS. 1.2797 0.04903 143 113 20 10
949 I really do have a laundry list of accomplishments. 1.2797 0.04483 143 109 28 6
950 I'm being monitored for cost overruns. 1.2797 0.04258 143 107 32 4
951 Oh my! I thought the drinks were free 1.2797 0.04698 143 111 24 8
952 I broke up a fistfight at CVS. 1.2797 0.04698 143 111 24 8
953 They were all bad people, mam. 1.2797 0.04801 143 112 22 9
954 I got them at CVS. 1.2797 0.05195 143 116 14 13
955 This one I got from being at Walmart on a Saturday. 1.2797 0.04903 143 113 20 10
956 This is the list of President insults to Army. 1.2797 0.04903 143 113 20 10
957 For some reason they called me The Human Calculator at West Point. 1.2797 0.04698 143 111 24 8
958 I told them we shouldn't buy our uniforms from CVS, but here we are. 1.2797 0.04483 143 109 28 6
959 No, that one is from Haliburton. 1.2797 0.04698 143 111 24 8
960 I run the Pentagon's procurement office. 1.2797 0.04698 143 111 24 8
961 Until I know whether we were on the right side of history, I'm keeping the gift receipt attached to the ribbon bar. 1.2787 0.05239 122 96 18 8
962 Military accountants don't get medals we get tally sheets 1.2766 0.04624 141 109 25 7
963 Black Friday, 1983. I never did get that Cabbage Patch Kid. 1.2766 0.04624 141 109 25 7
964 I have a grocery list of achievements. 1.2766 0.04400 141 107 29 5
965 No Mam, it's not for being in the most ticker tape parades. 1.2766 0.04838 141 111 21 9
966 One more and I get a pinata. 1.2766 0.04400 141 107 29 5
967 ... Vietnam, Kuwait, Mosul.... And that one's my wife's grocery list. 1.2766 0.04283 141 106 31 4
968 That day there was no receipt, no surrender. 1.2766 0.04513 141 108 27 6
969 My wife doesn't let me go anywhere without a to-do list! 1.2766 0.04624 141 109 25 7
970 I made sure they gave me a receipt when i pawned my other medals off. 1.2766 0.04838 141 111 21 9
971 It’s from my time in the Walgreen Berets. 1.2766 0.04624 141 109 25 7
972 It's my list of who's naughty and nice. 1.2766 0.04733 141 110 23 8
973 Yes, and that one is from Black Friday 1993, Mall of America. 1.2766 0.04838 141 111 21 9
974 CIA and CVS 1.2766 0.04624 141 109 25 7
975 Good News Mam, you've saved $5.24 on new defense spending! 1.2754 0.04687 138 107 24 7
976 They said they could kill two birds with one stone if I let them attach tonight’s menu. 1.2754 0.04687 138 107 24 7
977 And that one I received from CVS for hydrating ointment. 1.2754 0.04799 138 108 22 8
978 And that's how we won the war on Christmas. 1.2754 0.04335 138 104 30 4
979 That one's for self-checkout. 1.2754 0.04335 138 104 30 4
980 'I'm doing some consulting work for CVS Pharmacy.' 1.2754 0.04456 138 105 28 5
981 It was either this or have my citations e-mailed to me. 1.2754 0.04335 138 104 30 4
982 I thought your Tinder profile said you like army badges. 1.2754 0.04573 138 106 26 6
983 I spent the war as an ink jet pilot. 1.2754 0.04687 138 107 24 7
984 It's the new medal for cyber warfare. 1.2754 0.04908 138 109 20 9
985 I see you were wounded during Black Friday. 1.2754 0.04573 138 106 26 6
986 To break the ice, I’ve attached a list of questions about my service ribbons that you may want to ask me. 1.2754 0.04335 138 104 30 4
987 I wondered where I put my grocery list 1.2754 0.04573 138 106 26 6
988 It's not a medal. I just got some gum at CVS. 1.2754 0.04799 138 108 22 8
989 I did two tours in CVS. 1.2754 0.04799 138 108 22 8
990 This is the 3rd retirement party in 3 nights. Yeah, he said that he doesn't need Generals anymore. 1.2754 0.04908 138 109 20 9
991 That one’s from my stint in the CVS. 1.2754 0.04573 138 106 26 6
992 All those battles ma'am. They come with a price tag. 1.2754 0.04687 138 107 24 7
993 That’s for Operation Walmart on Black Friday. 1.2754 0.04573 138 106 26 6
994 I earned that at the Battle of CVS. 1.2754 0.04456 138 105 28 5
995 If you absolutely must know, it’s a shopping list from my wife. 1.2754 0.04799 138 108 22 8
996 It appears I've been subpoenaed for that last comment. 1.2754 0.04799 138 108 22 8
997 It's my duty to inform you that my eyes are up here, ma'am! 1.2754 0.04573 138 106 26 6
998 So Saudi Arabia is paying for the wine as well? 1.2754 0.04687 138 107 24 7
999 Sorry, you're not on my dance list 1.2754 0.04687 138 107 24 7
1000 First, I was wined and dined. Now I'm running a tab. Firing by Tweet is only a matter of time. 1.2754 0.04799 138 108 22 8
1001 Like everyone else here I'm for sale. Take a number. 1.2754 0.05119 138 111 16 11
1002 Those are the legal disclaimers that go with all of my pins. 1.2754 0.04335 138 104 30 4
1003 His list of insults grows by the tweet. 1.2754 0.04799 138 108 22 8
1004 I see you served three tours in the Amazon fulfillment center. 1.2754 0.04573 138 106 26 6
1005 Black Friday Sale, 1993. 1.2754 0.04687 138 107 24 7
1006 It's his Tweet readout. You never know. 1.2754 0.04799 138 108 22 8
1007 That one is for my service at CVS. 1.2754 0.04687 138 107 24 7
1008 Tweets, for the latest directives. 1.2754 0.04687 138 107 24 7
1009 Don´t mean to brag, but it´s this long" 1.2754 0.04687 138 107 24 7
1010 I kept the receipt so I can return them after the party. 1.2754 0.04799 138 108 22 8
1011 Mexico's definitely paying for it 1.2754 0.03953 138 106 28 4
1012 Everything comes with a price 1.2754 0.04573 138 106 26 6
1013 What makes you think I'm upset about the reception tab? 1.2754 0.04456 138 105 28 5
1014 The receipt's for courageous shopping at a Walmart on Black Friday. 1.2754 0.04456 138 105 28 5
1015 Sixty thousand followers on Instagram etc. etc. etc. 1.2754 0.04573 138 106 26 6
1016 My last commission was at CVS. 1.2754 0.04335 138 104 30 4
1017 Yes, I know its a bit odd, but my wife swears I'll forget the shopping list unless she pins it on me every day. 1.2754 0.04573 138 111 18 9
1018 Damn Pentagon accountants. Turns out there is a price for freedom. 1.2754 0.04335 138 104 30 4
1019 Yes ma'am, I have a list here of every politician who tried to purchase me. 1.2754 0.04573 138 106 26 6
1020 I was in the procurement division. 1.2754 0.04212 138 103 32 3
1021 It's a list of medals I think I should have received. 1.2754 0.04212 138 103 32 3
1022 Wow, I've never met a Walgreen Beret before. 1.2754 0.04799 138 108 22 8
1023 I’m an officer in the self service. 1.2754 0.04687 138 107 24 7
1024 I promise you, they are real, but the Commander in Chief begged I show what they cost. 1.2754 0.04687 138 107 24 7
1025 That one is for shopping at Zabar's on Thanksgiving Eve. 1.2754 0.04456 138 105 28 5
1026 Ma’am, I’d appreciate it if you stopped looking at my chest. 1.2754 0.04687 138 107 24 7
1027 Hey, my ribbons are up here! 1.2754 0.04456 138 105 28 5
1028 It just says my "eyes are up here" repeatedly. 1.2754 0.04573 138 106 26 6
1029 I'm now deployed somewhere between national security and mall security. 1.2754 0.04573 138 106 26 6
1030 That one's for extraordinary valor at CVS. 1.2754 0.04687 138 107 24 7
1031 Whoever said war is hell never had to do a tour with CVS. 1.2754 0.04687 138 107 24 7
1032 When I hollered, "Charge," the battlefield recorder picked it up. 1.2754 0.04456 138 105 28 5
1033 That one? Wounded in the Battle of Black Friday. 1.2754 0.04573 138 106 26 6
1034 When did you earn your Costco Gold Star? 1.2754 0.04799 138 108 22 8
1035 That one’s for bravery in the face of long CVS receipts. 1.2754 0.04573 138 106 26 6
1036 Honey, I think we should switch to the mobile CVS receipts. 1.2721 0.04485 136 104 27 5
1037 Excuse me sir. I’d just like to ‘tank’ you for picking up everyones tab tonight. 1.2721 0.05056 136 109 17 10
1038 At least they let me keep my expense account. 1.2721 0.04235 136 102 31 3
1039 I see you shop at CVS. 1.2721 0.04605 136 105 25 6
1040 Could I have your fax number 1.2721 0.04485 136 104 27 5
1041 Oh, THAT price freedom. 1.2721 0.04722 136 106 23 7
1042 It's my impeachment testimony transcript. 1.2721 0.04605 136 105 25 6
1043 It's my To Conquer list. 1.2721 0.04722 136 106 23 7
1044 And this is the cost of the buffet. 1.2721 0.04836 136 107 21 8
1045 That’s a receipt...somebody just bought me. 1.2721 0.04485 136 104 27 5
1046 Proof of purchase. 1.2721 0.04836 136 107 21 8
1047 Yes, Ma'am. We are weaponizing the self-checkout. 1.2721 0.04605 136 105 25 6
1048 This was awarded to me after the Black Friday campaign of '08. 1.2721 0.04836 136 107 21 8
1049 The red ones were Iraq, and the blue ones Afghanistan. The long white one is my grocery list. 1.2721 0.04605 136 105 25 6
1050 For my distinguished service at the 57th Street CVS, ma'am. 1.2721 0.04485 136 104 27 5
1051 Would you like to sign up for my impeachment blog? 1.2721 0.04947 136 108 19 9
1052 I didn’t realise the cost of war was itemised. 1.2721 0.04722 136 106 23 7
1053 That last one is for winning the Battle of Black Friday 1.2721 0.04836 136 107 21 8
1054 Thank you for your CVS. 1.2721 0.04836 136 107 21 8
1055 That's a list of the times the POTUS saved my ass from that silly military code of honor. 1.2721 0.04605 136 105 25 6
1056 Courage Valor Service 1.2721 0.04722 136 106 23 7
1057 Now that Amazon is suing over the Pentagon's cloud deal with Microsoft, we keep a paper record of everything. 1.2721 0.04485 136 104 27 5
1058 Every badge here came with it's price. 1.2721 0.04605 136 105 25 6
1059 That's how I roll! 1.2721 0.05056 136 109 17 10
1060 After retiring from the military, I was hired by CVS to deploy prescriptions. 1.2687 0.04637 134 104 24 6
1061 For every $100 I get a free upgrade. 1.2687 0.04757 134 105 22 7
1062 It's a full list of my pardons. 1.2687 0.04987 134 107 18 9
1063 This is from when I fought in CVS. 1.2687 0.04637 134 104 24 6
1064 The government has cut the budget for merit badges 1.2687 0.04515 134 103 26 5
1065 I received that one for surviving Black Friday. 1.2687 0.04515 134 103 26 5
1066 That fifth star cost me a small fortune 1.2687 0.04515 134 103 26 5
1067 My wife awarded it to me last year for Meritorious Courage on Black Friday 1.2687 0.03844 134 108 20 6
1068 This one is for increasing the military budget. 1.2687 0.04987 134 107 18 9
1069 My wife's shopping list reminder. 1.2687 0.04259 134 101 30 3
1070 Brass was getting too expensive. 1.2687 0.04515 134 103 26 5
1071 It's for Valor in the Battle of Black Friday. 1.2687 0.04757 134 105 22 7
1072 I did four tours of extreme couponing ... 1.2687 0.04873 134 106 20 8
1073 I’m planning to return it at the end of the night. 1.2687 0.04757 134 105 22 7
1074 Handling red tape under fire. 1.2687 0.04637 134 104 24 6
1075 My left arm? I lost that at the battle of black friday. 1.2687 0.04873 134 106 20 8
1076 If you purchase the Deluxe drink package for $49.99, I get my next promotion. 1.2687 0.04577 134 106 21 7
1077 divorced! 6’’2”! Sagittarius! Steak! Peanut allergy! Hate walks in the rain! 1.2687 0.04987 134 107 18 9
1078 He says it's needed to fund the wall. 1.2687 0.03459 134 108 21 5
1079 The war cost me an arm and a leg, but at least they gave me a receipt. 1.2687 0.04757 134 105 22 7
1080 Madam, you are entitled to your opinions, but I have fax! 1.2687 0.04873 134 106 20 8
1081 Primarily, I track contract cost overruns. 1.2687 0.04873 134 106 20 8
1082 Hey Dollface, my eyes are up here! 1.2687 0.04873 134 106 20 8
1083 I went from PFC to CVS in less than a year. 1.2687 0.04259 134 101 30 3
1084 This proves I never bought a bone spur diagnosis 1.2687 0.04757 134 105 22 7
1085 What can I say? I like to give orders. 1.2687 0.04515 134 103 26 5
1086 And this one is from a CVS. 1.2687 0.04873 134 106 20 8
1087 I forgot my glasses, should I be impressed? 1.2687 0.04757 134 105 22 7
1088 I'm always prepared when thanked for my service. 1.2687 0.04873 134 106 20 8
1089 These are the government regulations for dry cleaning 1.2687 0.04389 134 102 28 4
1090 I served in the CVS campaign. 1.2687 0.04873 134 106 20 8
1091 That one I got for surviving the holiday rush at Macy’s. 1.2687 0.04515 134 103 26 5
1092 It's my combat ribbon for number crunching. 1.2687 0.04757 134 105 22 7
1093 So you're security at CVS? 1.2687 0.04515 134 103 26 5
1094 I got tired of carrying the damn briefcase. 1.2683 0.05042 123 97 19 7
1095 I earned that in the trenches of the budget war. 1.2672 0.04575 131 101 25 5
1096 I dunno. Might be the jacket rental receipt. 1.2672 0.04702 131 102 23 6
1097 I gave my left arm for this. 1.2672 0.04445 131 100 27 4
1098 It's this week's list of the candidates I'm supposed to get dirt on. 1.2672 0.04445 131 100 27 4
1099 You must agree to this NDA before we commence this speed date. 1.2672 0.05063 131 105 17 9
1100 The president decided to cut back on the decoration budget, so the Army's making do. 1.2672 0.04445 131 100 27 4
1101 I'm told it's good for a free medal. 1.2672 0.04311 131 99 29 3
1102 Hey! Eyes up m'lady 1.2672 0.04825 131 103 21 7
1103 I’m ‘a general store,’ get it 1.2672 0.04825 131 103 21 7
1104 The Chinese have always made our ribbons in the past. Need I say more? 1.2672 0.04702 131 102 23 6
1105 As you can see, it's not "Stolen Valor", I paid for them all. 1.2672 0.04702 131 102 23 6
1106 It lists each time I was mentioned in Tweets. 1.2672 0.04575 131 101 25 5
1107 We lost a lot of good credit cards that day. 1.2672 0.04702 131 102 23 6
1108 As you can see from the bill, I clearly did not order the Code Red. 1.2672 0.04886 131 106 16 9
1109 I always ask for a receipt. 1.2672 0.04575 131 101 25 5
1110 And this one is for surviving a visit to CVS 1.2672 0.04945 131 104 19 8
1111 I'm also a smart shopper 1.2672 0.04575 131 101 25 5
1112 I just can't find a cleaners that does ribbons properly. 1.2672 0.04945 131 104 19 8
1113 Yes ma'am, that one is for bookkeeping above and beyond the call. 1.2661 0.05155 109 85 19 5
1114 The thing I'm most proud of is the money I've saved. 1.2661 0.05475 109 87 15 7
1115 Not General Retreat. General Receipt." 1.2652 0.04545 132 102 25 5
1116 Christmas. 1978. Working retail during the holiday season. 1.2640 0.05223 125 101 15 9
1117 For Distinguished Service in purchasing. 1.2636 0.04336 129 98 28 3
1118 That’s my CVS receipt for a pack of gum. 1.2636 0.04985 129 103 18 8
1119 I'm keeping a tab of what the country owes me 1.2636 0.04607 129 100 24 5
1120 If I hadn’t lost my arm I would have been awarded the ones on the list too. 1.2636 0.04736 129 101 22 6
1121 It's from the Battle of CVS. 1.2636 0.04194 129 102 22 5
1122 And that's from the Battle of Black Friday 1.2636 0.04736 129 101 22 6
1123 I constantly get new medals so the printout keeps me totally up to date 1.2636 0.04607 129 100 24 5
1124 ‘’ Desert Tweet,ma’am,bravery during incoming missives.’’ 1.2636 0.04985 129 103 18 8
1125 Agreed. All good soldiers should keep a list of medals they should have won. 1.2636 0.04607 129 100 24 5
1126 This was awarded after The Battle of Costco 1.2636 0.04736 129 101 22 6
1127 I'd be grateful if you don't quote Eisenhower. 1.2636 0.04336 129 98 28 3
1128 Wow you paid a lot for these medals. 1.2636 0.04862 129 102 20 7
1129 This is a list of signatures of women who vouch for me. 1.2636 0.04862 129 102 20 7
1130 And this is the receipt for what all my campaign ribbons have cost the American taxpayer 1.2636 0.04607 129 100 24 5
1131 I’m General Counsel for CVS. 1.2636 0.04862 129 102 20 7
1132 Well, you asked. 1.2636 0.04736 129 101 22 6
1133 Back in '08 my unit broke through the Nordstrom Line 1.2636 0.04607 129 100 24 5
1134 My service fee is not included. 1.2636 0.04862 129 102 20 7
1135 Great timesaver - latest updates from General Hospital 1.2636 0.03653 129 106 17 6
1136 I see you're a rewards member. 1.2636 0.04736 129 101 22 6
1137 It's a recipe for war crimes. 1.2636 0.04607 129 100 24 5
1138 I've been deployed to the Stop and Shop 1.2636 0.04607 129 100 24 5
1139 I run the Commissary. 1.2636 0.04336 129 98 28 3
1140 Why yes, it is the CVS Service Medal. 1.2636 0.04607 129 100 24 5
1141 Yeah, yeah, we both want pockets. 1.2636 0.04607 129 100 24 5
1142 What was it like serving in the Old Navy? 1.2636 0.04473 129 99 26 4
1143 Y'know, I've never actually read your Terms of Service. 1.2636 0.04473 129 99 26 4
1144 It's a DoD Budget of Valor award. 1.2636 0.04736 129 101 22 6
1145 I always dress for the job I want 1.2636 0.04607 129 100 24 5
1146 ...and those are my thoughts on women's rights. 1.2636 0.04862 129 102 20 7
1147 Set list from Phish at Madison Square Garden in '94. Totally sick show. I was trippin' balls by the second set. 1.2636 0.04985 129 103 18 8
1148 I'm printing your check now - you definitely ordered one Captain Morgan 1.2636 0.05223 129 105 14 10
1149 No need to thank me for my service but would you like your receipt? 1.2636 0.04862 129 102 20 7
1150 Couldn't you just email me the receipt? 1.2598 0.04900 127 101 19 7
1151 You're looking at the true cost of war. 1.2598 0.04900 127 101 19 7
1152 My wife's list of 'Areas That Need Improving'. 1.2598 0.04771 127 100 21 6
1153 I’ve been given far too much credit. 1.2598 0.04771 127 100 21 6
1154 And this one is for meritorious service at CVS 1.2598 0.05149 127 103 15 9
1155 And this one is for my last purchase at CVS. 1.2598 0.04638 127 99 23 5
1156 The one award I haven't won is for humility. 1.2598 0.04771 127 100 21 6
1157 It's the latest printout of our firm commitments. 1.2598 0.04771 127 100 21 6
1158 It was a commando mission: I brought two extra items through the express line. 1.2598 0.04501 127 98 25 4
1159 This is my list of inappropriate intentions. Check those you agree to. 1.2598 0.04900 127 101 19 7
1160 I won’t say who, but a very important man in government office is sending me a top secret message. 1.2598 0.05026 127 102 17 8
1161 All of my achievements were through accounting strategies. 1.2598 0.04501 127 98 25 4
1162 Otherwise, I forget to use the coupons. 1.2598 0.04638 127 99 23 5
1163 That was for shopping on Black Friday. 1.2598 0.04360 127 97 27 3
1164 I'd explain, but I'd have to kill you. 1.2598 0.04638 127 99 23 5
1165 It's a new app. My jacket can't hold any more medals! 1.2598 0.04638 127 99 23 5
1166 Don't ask. Don't know. 1.2598 0.04501 127 98 25 4
1167 I found this more effective than waiting for recognition by leadership. 1.2598 0.04638 127 99 23 5
1168 The Pentagon is implementing a new accountability monitoring system 1.2598 0.04638 127 99 23 5
1169 Yes, it’s a well-earned receipt. 1.2598 0.04771 127 100 21 6
1170 Black Friday, 2008. 1.2598 0.04638 127 99 23 5
1171 I got this one from CVS 1.2598 0.05386 127 105 11 11
1172 Distinguished service medal, purple heart, and $25 in Extra Bucks. Impressive. 1.2598 0.05026 127 102 17 8
1173 Wow! They really are cutting taxes. 1.2598 0.04501 127 98 25 4
1174 Kiss ass, take names 1.2598 0.04900 127 101 19 7
1175 Until the China trade war is over, and tariffs lifted, computer generated lists will have to do. 1.2598 0.04140 127 98 26 3
1176 Mam, these are a list of war crimes of which the president exonerated me. 1.2598 0.04501 127 98 25 4
1177 I take it you are endlessly distinguished 1.2598 0.04501 127 98 25 4
1178 Blame Trump. He thinks it encourages allies to pay their fair share. 1.2598 0.04900 127 101 19 7
1179 We outsourced our medals to CVS. 1.2598 0.04501 127 98 25 4
1180 I paid the price for it. 1.2598 0.04900 127 101 19 7
1181 I've been a very good boy this year, and I want Santa to know it. 1.2598 0.04771 127 100 21 6
1182 I never flew again after that Target run. 1.2598 0.04638 127 99 23 5
1183 After Vindman,everything goes. 1.2598 0.04900 127 101 19 7
1184 It gives me a continual report on my blood pressure, my cholesterol, and the potential effect on my troops by my alcohol consumption. 1.2598 0.04771 127 100 21 6
1185 That's my list of Atta-boys! 1.2598 0.04771 127 100 21 6
1186 Congress doesn't have the money for those yet. 1.2598 0.04501 127 98 25 4
1187 Training and discipline, Ma'am, are required to ignore congressional subpoenas. 1.2598 0.04900 127 101 19 7
1188 The receipt? I run a general store. 1.2598 0.04900 127 101 19 7
1189 Lieutenant Colonel, please,” 1.2598 0.04140 127 103 18 6
1190 Medal of Honor, Purple Heart, CVS, Silver Star... 1.2598 0.04638 127 99 23 5
1191 I had the automatic printout button for a list of all my metals, otherwise I'd be wearing a full metal jacket! 1.2598 0.04900 127 101 19 7
1192 Troops under my command take more orders than Amazon. 1.2598 0.04900 127 101 19 7
1193 So now instead of a pin to show great service to our country, there is a receipt that can extend to show the awards, which may be torn to remove any that he decides are no longer applicable. 1.2598 0.05026 127 102 17 8
1194 and finally, a list of all the women I've slept with. 1.2598 0.04771 127 100 21 6
1195 Perhaps I am proudest of my $52 in Super-Saver Awards. 1.2598 0.04900 127 101 19 7
1196 When they said 'the high cost of war', they weren't kidding 1.2598 0.04501 127 98 25 4
1197 Achievements? No, that's my honey-do list. 1.2598 0.04771 127 100 21 6
1198 Hmmm.....wash in cold water, delicate cycle, dry low heat, do not dry clean. 1.2598 0.04771 127 100 21 6
1199 I really need to stop shopping at CVS. 1.2598 0.04900 127 101 19 7
1200 In Iraq I was in charge of sales at the PX. 1.2598 0.05026 127 102 17 8
1201 My Commander-in-Chief disclaimer. 1.2598 0.04638 127 99 23 5
1202 We used to notch our guns. 1.2598 0.04638 127 99 23 5
1203 And I've also got the texts to prove it. 1.2598 0.04900 127 101 19 7
1204 Maam, none are for Good Conduct! 1.2598 0.04771 127 100 21 6
1205 …and that's the receipt for my conscience. 1.2598 0.04900 127 101 19 7
1206 That one was for making it out of Costco alive on Black Friday. 1.2598 0.04360 127 97 27 3
1207 That's the dry cleaner's tag I forgot to take off. 1.2598 0.05386 127 105 11 11
1208 I’m not good at small talk, so here’s the key to my service ribbons. 1.2598 0.04771 127 100 21 6
1209 It’s a great honor and privilege to wear this uniform, but I paid a heavy price. 1.2598 0.04638 127 99 23 5
1210 The lower ribbon is from the CVS Campaign. 1.2598 0.05026 127 102 17 8
1211 One more metal and I get a free ham at check out. 1.2598 0.04900 127 101 19 7
1212 I served for over 30 years... in procurement. 1.2598 0.04360 127 97 27 3
1213 It's an awards printout. Saves you asking "what's that one for?". 1.2598 0.04771 127 100 21 6
1214 It's been a busy year. 1.2598 0.04638 127 99 23 5
1215 That's the President's directive to not testify before congress. 1.2598 0.04771 127 100 21 6
1216 I got the last medal at CVS. 1.2598 0.04964 127 104 14 9
1217 Yes, I'm General CVS. 1.2598 0.04771 127 100 21 6
1218 In an effort to promote transparency the government requires me to display an itemized list of my fees for services while in uniform. 1.2598 0.04638 127 99 23 5
1219 It's on backorder, and this is the receipt 1.2598 0.04501 127 98 25 4
1220 Those are very detailed dry cleaning instructions." 1.2598 0.04638 127 99 23 5
1221 It's an itemized receipt for services rendered. 1.2598 0.05026 127 102 17 8
1222 As a high-ranking officer with a potential political career in front of me, I'm going to need you to sign this before we order our second drink..... 1.2598 0.04900 127 101 19 7
1223 That one's for service above and beyond fifteen percent. 1.2598 0.04501 127 98 25 4
1224 Wow...apparently I bought a lot of drone strikes! 1.2598 0.05026 127 102 17 8
1225 CVS is sponsoring the military 1.2598 0.04501 127 98 25 4
1226 My last post? Follow the paper trail. 1.2598 0.04638 127 99 23 5
1227 I've been scanning the room. 1.2598 0.04638 127 99 23 5
1228 It’s a new award designed by the President, given in recognition of fulfilling his orders.... his fast food orders that is. 1.2598 0.04771 127 100 21 6
1229 It's a receipt for services rendered, lady. 1.2593 0.05323 108 86 16 6
1230 It's a badge of honor: My itemized bill from the V.A. for the amputation 1.2593 0.05158 108 85 18 5
1231 As you can see on the print out, you are my mission tonight. 1.2581 0.04974 124 99 18 7
1232 They all fold out like that." 1.2581 0.04704 124 97 22 5
1233 Ooh, I like that mustard gas scent you’re wearing! 1.2581 0.05105 124 100 16 8
1234 I was stationed at a CVS in Fallujah for 18 months 1.2581 0.04704 124 97 22 5
1235 Always prepared, ma'am, where's the latrine? 1.2581 0.04841 124 98 20 6
1236 Sometimes more is more. 1.2581 0.04841 124 98 20 6
1237 ...and that ribbon, honoring my service as a Valued Customer, was bestowed by CVS. 1.2581 0.04841 124 98 20 6
1238 Just stick to the script and we should be alright. 1.2581 0.04841 124 98 20 6
1239 That one's for risking identity theft while shopping online. 1.2581 0.04187 124 101 17 6
1240 So,were you injured in a paper war? 1.2581 0.04704 124 97 22 5
1241 It's an accounting thing. Returns must be accompanied by a receipt. 1.2581 0.04841 124 98 20 6
1242 This one is for Operation Iraqi Freedom, and this other one is for Operation Black Friday. 1.2581 0.04841 124 98 20 6
1243 I'm very proud of this one. It's a grocery receipt - I saved $22 today. 1.2581 0.04562 124 96 24 4
1244 I don't take military orders, Ma'm. I make them. 1.2581 0.04562 124 96 24 4
1245 It's the Congressional Paper of Honor for 'Exemplary Note-Taking Under Fire.' 1.2581 0.04974 124 99 18 7
1246 He makes me wear a list of people who say I don't deserve them. 1.2581 0.04704 124 97 22 5
1247 That one's for saving 30 good men at the Battle of CVS. 1.2581 0.04562 124 96 24 4
1248 Don't bother. It's just my terms of service. 1.2581 0.04841 124 98 20 6
1249 It's for exemplary coupon use in the face of more appealing products. 1.2581 0.04704 124 97 22 5
1250 My other deployment was CVS. 1.2581 0.05105 124 100 16 8
1251 No mam, it's the wife's shopping list. 1.2581 0.04416 124 95 26 3
1252 It's how I keep track of every time I just want to scream. 1.2581 0.04841 124 98 20 6
1253 Would you like to sign up for the Army Rewards Program? 1.2581 0.05105 124 100 16 8
1254 This one was for having the most coupons at CVS. 1.2581 0.05105 124 100 16 8
1255 It's my list of fascinating war stories, with suggested prices. 1.2581 0.04704 124 97 22 5
1256 Even as we speak, the accolades are pouring in. 1.2581 0.04974 124 99 18 7
1257 It’s a CVS Medal for taking the flu shot. 1.2581 0.04841 124 98 20 6
1258 And this one is a Receipt of Honor from CVS for the purchase of a pack of gum. 1.2581 0.04974 124 99 18 7
1259 That one is special. I received it for bringing in a multi-billion defense program on time and under budget. 1.2581 0.04416 124 95 26 3
1260 That? That's for CVS. 1.2581 0.04704 124 97 22 5
1261 There is a large price to pay for our freedom. 1.2581 0.04704 124 97 22 5
1262 I got this for serving on the U.S.S.CVS 1.2581 0.04841 124 98 20 6
1263 It's the receipt for my patriotism. 1.2581 0.04841 124 98 20 6
1264 It's been a long haul, but my high scores speak for themselves. 1.2581 0.04490 124 98 21 5
1265 Oh, it's nothing. Just my shopping list. You know, AR 15s, Rocket Launchers, Grenades, C4s etc. 1.2581 0.04974 124 99 18 7
1266 This receipt ribbon recognizes purchases made by gallantly storming the store on Black Friday 1.2581 0.04704 124 97 22 5
1267 Appropriations, ma'am. Been on the front lines of five government shutdowns and never lost a dime. 1.2581 0.04416 124 95 26 3
1268 It’s the CVS medal of valor. 1.2581 0.04416 124 95 26 3
1269 I was moving up in rank so quickly they decided it was easier to install an insignia printer 1.2581 0.04974 124 99 18 7
1270 The medal is on backorder. So I pinned the receipt 1.2581 0.04974 124 99 18 7
1271 It’s a transcript of my deposition. 1.2581 0.04704 124 97 22 5
1272 My cyberwar awards were hacked so I had to settle for analog. 1.2581 0.04704 124 97 22 5
1273 Here's the receipt for my left arm. 1.2581 0.05105 124 100 16 8
1274 I earned that on the front lines of the accounting department. 1.2581 0.04704 124 97 22 5
1275 That one is for purchasing 10 items that I actually needed on Black Friday. 1.2581 0.04416 124 95 26 3
1276 My career counselor always urged me to showcase the full depth of my professional experience. 1.2581 0.04841 124 98 20 6
1277 I'm a certified organic, free-range, full bird Colonel. 1.2581 0.05105 124 100 16 8
1278 Yes, I did serve in the CVS theatre. Why do you ask? 1.2581 0.05105 124 100 16 8
1279 This one’s for the Battle of Black Friday 1.2581 0.04704 124 97 22 5
1280 My last medal came from CVS. 1.2581 0.04562 124 96 24 4
1281 So your total stars comes out to 3 not 5 like you told me. 1.2581 0.04974 124 99 18 7
1282 Those are my “likes”. 1.2581 0.05105 124 100 16 8
1283 Young lady, war is hell on a dry cleaning bill. 1.2581 0.04704 124 97 22 5
1284 I check out military hardware. 1.2581 0.04974 124 99 18 7
1285 I just agreed to the terms of service. Who reads the fine print? 1.2581 0.04841 124 98 20 6
1286 They gave me a ticker tape parade,too! 1.2581 0.04704 124 97 22 5
1287 ...and for your records, here is a receipt for the deceit 1.2581 0.04841 124 98 20 6
1288 I told them to leave off the Boy Scout badges but they insisted... 1.2581 0.05105 124 100 16 8
1289 It's just more proof of what we've been saying for years, lady: Freedom isn't free. 1.2581 0.04704 124 97 22 5
1290 "I screamed, "I would give my left arm for this fighting to end!" All of a sudden, they took my left arm, and pinned the receipt on me." 1.2581 0.04841 124 98 20 6
1291 That's for the global CVS campaign. 1.2581 0.04841 124 98 20 6
1292 Afghanistan, Iraq, Syria, CVS 1.2581 0.04562 124 96 24 4
1293 I wear my rap sheet as a badge of honor since the pardon. 1.2581 0.04974 124 99 18 7
1294 It's the charge for my service. 1.2581 0.04704 124 97 22 5
1295 This is a list of my platoon's corporate sponsors. Budget cuts. 1.2581 0.04974 124 99 18 7
1296 I got this one for hunting bargains. 1.2581 0.04704 124 97 22 5
1297 This one's so I don't forget to pick up groceries on the way home. 1.2581 0.04841 124 98 20 6
1298 What do you mean, “Did you buy your medals at CVS?” 1.2581 0.04841 124 98 20 6
1299 Printed tweets, they replace Bronze Stars and V for valor pins. 1.2581 0.04562 124 96 24 4
1300 They're the Bronze Star, the Purple Heart, and free guitar lessons. 1.2581 0.04562 124 96 24 4
1301 This one's for going to Walmart on Black Friday. 1.2581 0.04974 124 99 18 7
1302 An army runs on its supply lines. 1.2581 0.04704 124 97 22 5
1303 I took a hit at the Battle of Black Friday. 1.2581 0.04704 124 97 22 5
1304 If you have any question about the acronyms, feel free to ask. 1.2581 0.04562 124 96 24 4
1305 We lost that battle, but it looked good on paper. 1.2581 0.04841 124 98 20 6
1306 It's the Military-Industrial Complex Citation! 1.2581 0.04841 124 98 20 6
1307 So then I said ‘how’s this for spending transparency?’... You wanna get outta here? 1.2581 0.04974 124 99 18 7
1308 Yes, well I display the receipt to prove these medals are really mine; bought and paid for. 1.2581 0.04841 124 98 20 6
1309 No, that's my CVS receipt. 1.2581 0.04841 124 98 20 6
1310 In Trump world, you never know when you have to show the receipts. 1.2581 0.04841 124 98 20 6
1311 Oh my, you must be top brass at CVS 1.2581 0.04841 124 98 20 6
1312 That one is for procurement above and beyond, just what the Pentagon does best 1.2581 0.04704 124 97 22 5
1313 Actually, $500 for a pencil is perfectly reasonable 1.2581 0.04841 124 98 20 6
1314 I see you've completed your 'Honey do' list, impressive. 1.2581 0.05231 124 101 14 9
1315 An that one's for the Battle At CVS 1.2581 0.04974 124 99 18 7
1316 Yes ma'am, Distinguished Service during a Black Friday skirmish. 1.2581 0.04974 124 99 18 7
1317 Yes, Ma’am, I was in the Armed Forces. All of them. 1.2581 0.04562 124 96 24 4
1318 And the one on the bottom is for 1000 visits to Walgreens. 1.2581 0.04108 124 93 30 1
1319 Is that the entire laundry list of his impeachable infractions? 1.2581 0.05355 124 102 12 10
1320 That's for being cashiered while under fire. 1.2581 0.05105 124 100 16 8
1321 It was from the battle of CVS, and I'd rather not talk about it. 1.2581 0.04841 124 98 20 6
1322 Oh, these? The usual: markmanship, deployments, valor, and this is a receipt I earned during Black Friday at Best Buy 2012. 1.2581 0.04562 124 96 24 4
1323 General CVS is my name. 1.2581 0.04974 124 99 18 7
1324 I got that one for my loyalty. 1.2581 0.04841 124 98 20 6
1325 I keep all my receipts to prove where I was not. 1.2581 0.04974 124 99 18 7
1326 That one is for getting 15 items through the 10 items or less checkout lane. 1.2581 0.04974 124 99 18 7
1327 Don't be too impressed. All I bought was toothpaste. 1.2581 0.05105 124 100 16 8
1328 And this one has all my CVS rewards program discounts. 1.2581 0.04704 124 97 22 5
1329 That one is for the time I spent at CVS. 1.2581 0.05105 124 100 16 8
1330 Please don’t tap on my medals. 1.2581 0.04704 124 97 22 5
1331 Being a war hero is nice, but look at what I saved at the Price club. 1.2581 0.04704 124 97 22 5
1332 And that's my list of Twitter followers 1.2581 0.04841 124 98 20 6
1333 There's no use in hiding it from you any longer. Honey, I've re-enlisted. 1.2581 0.04562 124 96 24 4
1334 That one prints receipts for your tax dollars. 1.2581 0.04841 124 98 20 6
1335 I'm working my way up to a CVS badge. 1.2581 0.04704 124 97 22 5
1336 Why yes, I did serve in the CVS campaign. 1.2581 0.04562 124 96 24 4
1337 That one is from my tour in CVS." 1.2581 0.04704 124 97 22 5
1338 It's for distinguished service at Stop & Shop. 1.2581 0.04974 124 99 18 7
1339 And that one is from my wife for doing the grocery shopping last week. 1.2581 0.04974 124 99 18 7
1340 It’s a matter of efficiency. In lieu of war stories, I provide an itemized list. 1.2569 0.05116 109 86 18 5
1341 As a member of the secret service, I keep a running record of all my conversations. 1.2569 0.05279 109 87 16 6
1342 Ever hear of a little action called The Battle of CVS? 1.2569 0.05438 109 88 14 7
1343 We get coupons for every military operation. 1.2569 0.05279 109 87 16 6
1344 I see the new law requiring each general to disclose his itemized spending has gone into effect. 1.2560 0.04530 125 97 24 4
1345 I was awarded those for my mission to the drug store. 1.2560 0.04939 125 100 18 7
1346 ...and this one was awarded for highest cost overruns. 1.2560 0.04670 125 98 22 5
1347 How did you know the Pentagon got a CVS? That information is classified. 1.2560 0.04670 125 98 22 5
1348 And that one is for leading my troops out of CVS in record time. 1.2560 0.04739 125 101 17 7
1349 No Ma’am. I’d rather have a printed receipt than have it emailed to me. 1.2560 0.04530 125 97 24 4
1350 By the way, that drink is gonna cost you around 17 billion. 1.2560 0.05068 125 101 16 8
1351 If your checking me out , I will be available at 900hrs 1.2560 0.04806 125 99 20 6
1352 The CVS campaign was the toughest 1.2560 0.04670 125 98 22 5
1353 Well that was in honor of my command once foiling a terrorist plot to explode bombs in a number of CVS pharmacies. 1.2560 0.04806 125 99 20 6
1354 It hasn't been the same since they put me in charge of the produce section. 1.2560 0.04939 125 100 18 7
1355 Iraq, Afghanistan, Germany - Ah, is this the wine list? 1.2560 0.04530 125 97 24 4
1356 It stuck to my shoe at the battle of Mar-a-Lago. 1.2560 0.04939 125 100 18 7
1357 As part of our new Special Forces training we go to Walmart on "black Friday". 1.2560 0.04385 125 96 26 3
1358 That one’s for being cashiered. 1.2545 0.05236 110 88 16 6
1359 It's a new high tech military decoration. It can be immediately updated by Tweet. 1.2545 0.05694 110 91 10 9
1360 Would you fill out a short survey to rate my service? 1.2542 0.04533 118 91 24 3
1361 It's a list of the defense issues Trump got wrong. 1.2541 0.05148 122 99 15 8
1362 It's the Trump Loyalty Award for all my acts of loyalty to Trump. 1.2541 0.04878 122 97 19 6
1363 It's the bill from the White House for my appointment to the Joint Chiefs 1.2541 0.05278 122 100 13 9
1364 Trump demoted me to waiter. This is the draft list. 1.2541 0.04592 122 95 23 4
1365 Return receipt — part of the deal with Mr. Trump. 1.2541 0.04737 122 96 21 5
1366 The Joint Command leaders are now equipped with a real-time printout of Trump's Titter feed." 1.2541 0.04737 122 96 21 5
1367 Our Commander-in-Chief wants to monetize us. 1.2541 0.04737 122 96 21 5
1368 I want everyone to know I didn't buy my bone spurs at the supermarket. 1.2541 0.05278 122 100 13 9
1369 It declares I'm a pure-bred American with no divided loyalties, but that could change depending on the President's tweets. 1.2541 0.04042 122 104 10 8
1370 It’s for ticker tape parades 1.2541 0.04592 122 95 23 4
1371 No quid pro quo 1.2541 0.05148 122 99 15 8
1372 oh, that's the list of people Trump suspects as whistleblowers. the scratched out ones have been executed. 1.2541 0.05015 122 98 17 7
1373 That’s my fruit salad and the receipt. 1.2500 0.05116 108 86 17 5
1374 They're just disclaimers and definitions. I'm a lawyer with JAG. 1.2500 0.04771 120 95 20 5
1375 I'm the chief commander of the CVS battalion 1.2500 0.05326 120 99 12 9
1376 Yes, it's my list of conquests. Your name is about halfway. 1.2500 0.05283 108 87 15 6
1377 Talk is cheap. I guess Leave isn't. 1.2500 0.05056 120 97 16 7
1378 Thankfully, you avoided the CVS War. 1.2500 0.04915 120 96 18 6
1379 I was stationed at Fort CVS. 1.2500 0.04915 120 96 18 6
1380 Service is included. 1.2500 0.04944 108 85 19 4
1381 The last one is for my service behind the checkout counter at CVS. 1.2500 0.05192 120 98 14 8
1382 This is the Purple Heart équivalent for army acquisitions. 1.2500 0.04467 120 93 24 3
1383 They're caveats for my Trump era mission. 1.2500 0.04545 120 96 19 5
1384 There is no end to it. 1.2500 0.04771 120 95 20 5
1385 My battle ribbon likes you. 1.2500 0.04622 120 94 22 4
1386 Well, aren't you just the cutest boondoggle. I can't help but love these new transparency things. Don't you? 1.2500 0.05056 120 97 16 7
1387 The new general wants to now where every penny goes. 1.2500 0.04622 120 94 22 4
1388 No, it would NOT have been easier to get an on-line receipt! 1.2500 0.04622 120 94 22 4
1389 It’s my ribbon from CVS from the 1998 Siege of Duane Reade. 1.2500 0.04944 108 90 11 7
1390 NO, not my to-do list. It’s my have-done list. 1.2500 0.04915 120 96 18 6
1391 I see you've served Walgreen's and CVS battle lines. 1.2500 0.04771 120 95 20 5
1392 I bought the pin at CVS. 1.2500 0.05192 120 98 14 8
1393 I’m going to the grocery store on my way home. 1.2500 0.04545 120 96 19 5
1394 Wow! You served in the CVS campaign. 1.2500 0.05283 108 87 15 6
1395 Lieutenant Colonel, United States Air Force, 23rd Airborne, CVS Division 1.2500 0.04622 120 94 22 4
1396 So, you're telling me the costume party is next week? 1.2500 0.04622 120 94 22 4
1397 WOW! Nice to meet the General of CVS!! 1.2500 0.04622 120 94 22 4
1398 My eyes are up here, ma'am. 1.2500 0.04915 120 96 18 6
1399 My, what don’t you do, General Electric? 1.2500 0.04915 120 96 18 6
1400 Nough' talk, just read the damn transcript! 1.2500 0.05056 120 97 16 7
1401 And this medal is for procuring the tiny ink cartridges. 1.2500 0.05116 108 86 17 5
1402 It’s a participation medal from when I was six 1.2500 0.05326 120 99 12 9
1403 That one is for filling a prescription at CVS 1.2500 0.04915 120 96 18 6
1404 I served two tours at CVS. 1.2500 0.04622 120 94 22 4
1405 The tab for the Iraq and Afghan war? $4 - $6 trillion. 1.2500 0.04771 120 95 20 5
1406 I command the CVS brigade 1.2500 0.04622 120 94 22 4
1407 Believe me, I've paid a price to get here. 1.2500 0.05056 120 97 16 7
1408 One of our defense contractors came up with it: automatically tracks my bar bill all night. 1.2500 0.04771 120 95 20 5
1409 I’m stationed in Aisle 2. 1.2500 0.04915 120 96 18 6
1410 These are my Presidential Tweets of Distinction! 1.2500 0.04766 108 84 21 3
1411 At Costco they call it The Customer Service Ribbon. 1.2500 0.04622 120 94 22 4
1412 Just some footnotes. 1.2500 0.05326 120 99 12 9
1413 Some of these required footnotes. 1.2500 0.04622 120 94 22 4
1414 So you literally have the receipts? 1.2500 0.05056 120 97 16 7
1415 They ran out of red tape. 1.2500 0.04467 120 93 24 3
1416 General Store, at your service. 1.2500 0.04771 120 95 20 5
1417 It's the Medal of CVS 1.2500 0.05601 108 89 11 8
1418 It's my Pentagon budget wish list . 1.2500 0.04771 120 95 20 5
1419 Those are my Minecraft high scores. 1.2479 0.04687 117 92 21 4
1420 All the titles make my name tag long. 1.2479 0.04841 117 93 19 5
1421 It’s my Christmas list. 1.2479 0.05416 117 97 11 9
1422 That's for all the taxpayers who always want to know where their money goes. 1.2479 0.04687 117 92 21 4
1423 My best party recipe. Fruit salad. 1.2479 0.04991 117 94 17 6
1424 I'm what's known as a pentagon budget warrior. 1.2479 0.04687 117 92 21 4
1425 It's the price you pay for going to war. 1.2479 0.04841 117 93 19 5
1426 It's not just a store receipt ma'am - It's a General store receipt. 1.2479 0.05278 117 96 13 8
1427 That is for “Best in Show”. 1.2479 0.04991 117 94 17 6
1428 The CVS medal. Very impressive. 1.2479 0.05137 117 95 15 7
1429 What an interesting bucket-list for when you get fired. 1.2479 0.04687 117 92 21 4
1430 Really, no receipt is necessary. 1.2479 0.05137 117 95 15 7
1431 As you can see, no discounts or coupons were used on these commendations. 1.2479 0.04276 117 92 22 3
1432 It's due to budget cuts--everything is itemized now. 1.2479 0.04841 117 93 19 5
1433 Does my cost to benefit ratio impress you? 1.2479 0.04687 117 92 21 4
1434 Your damn tax dollars at work, that’s what, ma’am. 1.2479 0.04841 117 93 19 5
1435 And then out loud, I told President Trump..... 1.2479 0.04841 117 93 19 5
1436 This is what I got when I cashiered out. 1.2479 0.04841 117 93 19 5
1437 I’ve got my orders, ma’am. 1.2479 0.04841 117 93 19 5
1438 Would you mind mansplaining that to me one more time? 1.2479 0.05137 117 95 15 7
1439 It's for good conduct at Walmart on Black Friday. 1.2479 0.04991 117 94 17 6
1440 It’s a receipt from the supermarket. My wife says it’s one of my greatest accomplishments. 1.2479 0.05137 117 95 15 7
1441 Most of the deals aren’t valid unless you spend $2 Trillion on the invasion. 1.2479 0.04841 117 93 19 5
1442 I went to the grocery store all by myself! 1.2479 0.04687 117 92 21 4
1443 Yes, the military is really expensive. 1.2479 0.05137 117 95 15 7
1444 That one’s for charging an enemy machine gun nest to my club card. 1.2479 0.05137 117 95 15 7
1445 It's part of the new military green initiative ma'am recyclable paper medals. 1.2479 0.05137 117 95 15 7
1446 That one's from Operation Drugstore. 1.2479 0.05278 117 96 13 8
1447 Yes, in fact I am the General of CVS. 1.2479 0.04841 117 93 19 5
1448 That's a list of all the butts I had to kiss to make general. 1.2479 0.04527 117 91 23 3
1449 Budget cuts. I'm saving up for my own ticker tape parade. 1.2479 0.04445 117 93 20 4
1450 If you press the blue medal you get a list of the 10 all time great quarterbacks. 1.2479 0.05137 117 95 15 7
1451 It's for my time serving in CVS. 1.2479 0.04687 117 92 21 4
1452 I serve my country ........................and my wife: its a list of groceries for me to pick up. 1.2479 0.04189 117 89 27 1
1453 I have too many medals to wear, so look at the list to see how heroic I have been. 1.2479 0.05137 117 95 15 7
1454 Is one of those medals for perfect attendance? 1.2479 0.04991 117 94 17 6
1455 No, they don't have the same luster. And no, I can't explain why they started giving metals in digital format. 1.2479 0.04991 117 94 17 6
1456 This ribbon prints out an automatic resignation letter when I have to disobey a direct order. 1.2479 0.04841 117 93 19 5
1457 Who am I to tell the Commander in Chief that was his grocery list? 1.2479 0.05416 117 97 11 9
1458 My fruit salad now requires an ingredients list. 1.2479 0.04687 117 92 21 4
1459 They slashed our budget for ribbons. 1.2479 0.04361 117 90 25 2
1460 I see you took advantage of the GI bill! 1.2479 0.04527 117 91 23 3
1461 It's a list of PPMs - Presidential Promise Medals. The real ones haven't arrived yet. 1.2479 0.04841 117 93 19 5
1462 It's for shopping at CVS. 1.2479 0.05137 117 95 15 7
1463 Describing them all out loud just seemed so conceited. 1.2479 0.04991 117 94 17 6
1464 The paper medals are from my second year of service. 1.2479 0.04991 117 94 17 6
1465 It’s my medal for keeping Defense Department spending below GDP. 1.2479 0.05278 117 96 13 8
1466 That's my wish list for the next war. 1.2479 0.04687 117 92 21 4
1467 What does "etc" stand for? 1.2479 0.04841 117 93 19 5
1468 Due to budget cutbacks, we're buying our medals at CVS 1.2479 0.05278 117 96 13 8
1469 This conversation may be transcribed or recorded for quality assurances purposes or for keeping an accurate account of this conversation for my wife. 1.2479 0.04841 117 93 19 5
1470 I'm the guest speaker, and that little exchange we had will be fifty dollars. 1.2479 0.04841 117 93 19 5
1471 You sure you want to list all the things you didn't get a medal for? 1.2479 0.04841 117 93 19 5
1472 I'm keeping the receipt in case I want to return it after the war 1.2479 0.04687 117 92 21 4
1473 My wife gave it to me for going to the grocery store all by myself. 1.2479 0.04841 117 93 19 5
1474 I might return my decorations after Christmas. 1.2479 0.04841 117 93 19 5
1475 its the "Best Prepared Latrine Duty" medal 1.2479 0.05137 117 95 15 7
1476 Are you the Ukrainian Defense Minister? 1.2479 0.04991 117 94 17 6
1477 It was for galant service at the Battle of CVS. 1.2479 0.05278 117 96 13 8
1478 The bloodiest battle of them all -- Black Friday sale at Macy's. 1.2479 0.04841 117 93 19 5
1479 That's a list of all my other medals that won't fit on my uniform. 1.2479 0.05278 117 96 13 8
1480 That's a list of places I have to check for my missing arm. 1.2479 0.05137 117 95 15 7
1481 Please select a topic and associated honorarium. 1.2479 0.05137 117 95 15 7
1482 That's the list of discreditations from House Republicans. 1.2479 0.04841 117 93 19 5
1483 The medals are nothing compared to that first perfect score on a spelling test. 1.2479 0.04991 117 94 17 6
1484 My accomplishments have become excessive. 1.2479 0.04687 117 92 21 4
1485 I'm the senior attache in charge of billing. 1.2479 0.04361 117 90 25 2
1486 It's from CVS. 1.2479 0.04991 117 94 17 6
1487 As you can see right here, my service came with a thirty-day return policy to active duty. 1.2479 0.04841 117 93 19 5
1488 This way I never lose my shopping list. 1.2479 0.04991 117 94 17 6
1489 It helps me save time impressing you. 1.2479 0.04687 117 92 21 4
1490 ... and this one includes some revisionist history. 1.2479 0.04687 117 92 21 4
1491 And yet we must never discount the valor of those who serve. 1.2479 0.04527 117 91 23 3
1492 And these are the commendations I received for the things I didn’t do. 1.2479 0.04991 117 94 17 6
1493 Sir, your war crimes are showing. 1.2479 0.04687 117 92 21 4
1494 It's for following grocery orders. 1.2479 0.04687 117 92 21 4
1495 I was a combatant in Operation Black Friday." 1.2479 0.03413 117 95 19 3
1496 And that's how we overthrew the Coupon Queen. 1.2479 0.04527 117 91 23 3
1497 Some of my missions left a paper trail. 1.2479 0.04991 117 94 17 6
1498 I commanded the Black Friday assault. 1.2479 0.04527 117 91 23 3
1499 Guts doesn't come cheap sweetheart. 1.2479 0.04991 117 94 17 6
1500 Yeah, so I found the whole costume at CVS 1.2479 0.04527 117 91 23 3
1501 My prevention of sexual harassment training requires you to initial each item on this authorization checklist before I attempt any moves. 1.2479 0.04991 117 94 17 6
1502 Not a single false charge Ma'am. 1.2479 0.04527 117 91 23 3
1503 It's the Army's highest honor for tactical accounting under fire during Defense budget hearings. 1.2479 0.04991 117 94 17 6
1504 Some of them are for CVS flu shots. 1.2477 0.05239 109 88 15 6
1505 No Purple Heart, but the purple ink tells you I'm a proven veteran of the budgeting wars." 1.2477 0.05074 109 87 17 5
1506 Please take printed transcript of President's Twitter feed for all my opinions on proper military protocol. 1.2477 0.05074 109 87 17 5
1507 We fought the damn sales tax and lost. 1.2477 0.05074 109 87 17 5
1508 When I wear them all I can’t walk! 1.2477 0.05074 109 87 17 5
1509 That’s for mastering the self-checkout at CVS. 1.2477 0.05554 109 90 11 8
1510 If you don't stop staring, I'll add you to the list. 1.2458 0.04805 118 94 19 5
1511 It's for bravery at a CVS 1.2455 0.05033 110 88 17 5
1512 It lists all the countries I would love to bomb. 1.2435 0.05180 115 94 14 7
1513 I'm keeping count of the number of times I'm asked What's That One For? 1.2435 0.04877 115 92 18 5
1514 Click! Please take your receipt. We thank you for shopping at Army and Navy Surplus. Have a good day -Click! 1.2435 0.05031 115 93 16 6
1515 War Crimes List 1.2435 0.05180 115 94 14 7
1516 Don't forget to take your receipt. 1.2432 0.04826 111 88 19 4
1517 That was for heroism in the face of Black Friday." 1.2430 0.05116 107 86 16 5
1518 CVS had a sale on military costumes. 1.2430 0.04665 107 86 17 4
1519 Starting in 2022 we received medals in President's handwriting. 1.2430 0.05449 107 88 12 7
1520 I got this one for the Battle of CVS. 1.2430 0.05285 107 87 14 6
1521 I don't think a receipt from the one time you went grocery shopping is the best badge for 'dutiful husband'. 1.2430 0.05609 107 89 10 8
1522 loyalty card ? 1.2430 0.05116 107 86 16 5
1523 Oh my! That's a long list of ex-wives! 1.2430 0.04759 107 84 20 3
1524 That one is for successfully making it out of Walmart on Black Friday. 1.2430 0.04759 107 84 20 3
1525 I've been enlisted 1.2430 0.04569 107 83 22 2
1526 I take cash, credit cards, and your sons and daughters. 1.2430 0.05285 107 87 14 6
1527 Wow, a running account of the Afghan War! 1.2430 0.05116 107 86 16 5
1528 They were first to go when the defense department budget cuts hit 1.2430 0.04665 107 86 17 4
1529 It's a list of questions I won't answer. 1.2430 0.05116 107 86 16 5
1530 While it is rather cumbersome mobile faxes are much more secure than mobile phones 1.2430 0.05285 107 87 14 6
1531 So the medal actually lists all the congressional subpoenas you’ve ignored! Hmmm. 1.2430 0.04940 107 85 18 4
1532 My CVS purchases are a badge of honor. 1.2430 0.05116 107 86 16 5
1533 That one commemorates the Battle of CVS, ma'am. 1.2430 0.05116 107 86 16 5
1534 I thought it would be easier for you civilian non-combatants to read the printout rather than having to decipher all the metal. 1.2430 0.05285 107 87 14 6
1535 I see you led the insurgence of troops into the CVS on Park and 18th. 1.2430 0.04759 107 84 20 3
1536 Military spending is out of control these days. 1.2430 0.05116 107 86 16 5
1537 Four tours of duty...eleven tours of duty-free. 1.2430 0.04940 107 85 18 4
1538 This is my favorite one from the Apollo ticker tape parade. 1.2407 0.05073 108 87 16 5
1539 It’s a citation from the supreme commander. It only looks like a shopping list. 1.2407 0.04900 108 86 18 4
1540 Return policy is on the back, ma'am. 1.2407 0.05403 108 89 12 7
1541 Civilians may call it a "to do" list. I prefer "lock and load." 1.2407 0.05073 108 87 16 5
1542 My lost battles... what civilians call "previous relationships" " 1.2407 0.05241 108 88 14 6
1543 That is for the Battle of Black Friday. 1.2407 0.05241 108 88 14 6
1544 No. I’m the ACTING undersecretary 1.2407 0.04900 108 86 18 4
1545 It shows the cost of war. 1.2407 0.04900 108 86 18 4
1546 Oh, THAT one is my receipt for the battle of Black Friday. 1.2407 0.05241 108 88 14 6
1547 Oh general, I didn't catch your name earlier. The boys call me by my initials, General C.V.S. 1.2407 0.05403 108 89 12 7
1548 Yeah, I got this CVS Award of Honor for my service in the War on Drugstores 1.2407 0.05864 108 92 6 10
1549 I didn't have enough space for all the medals. 1.2407 0.05241 108 88 14 6
1550 Oops. Now I have to kill you. 1.2407 0.04900 108 86 18 4
1551 Not a medal, my turn for getting the bagels tomorrow. 1.2407 0.05073 108 87 16 5
1552 It’s my medal for being the best checker at the PX. 1.2407 0.04900 108 86 18 4
1553 Do you feel military rank should be based on merit or trips to CVS for POTUS? 1.2407 0.05073 108 87 16 5
1554 One dollar per second. 1.2407 0.04533 108 84 22 2
1555 The price of a man in uniform keeps going up, thank you for shopping. 1.2407 0.04533 108 84 22 2
1556 Congress demands we keep a running tab on expenses. 1.2407 0.04900 108 86 18 4
1557 Yes, in fact we are looking at the cost of android soldiers. 1.2407 0.05073 108 87 16 5
1558 You think War is taxing? Let me you about CVS. 1.2407 0.04720 108 85 20 3
1559 I lost my left arm trying to jerk off a tank 1.2407 0.05561 108 90 10 8
1560 Pardon me, I was just reading your list of places where you plan to start a war. 1.2407 0.05561 108 90 10 8
1561 Instead of a printer ribbon, it's a ribbon printer. 1.2407 0.05241 108 88 14 6
1562 Darling, I thought we agreed not to talk about all your accomplishments tonight... 1.2407 0.04900 108 86 18 4
1563 I killed all those guys. 1.2407 0.05561 108 90 10 8
1564 As a matter of fact, this medal is on toilet paper. I’ve had a lengthy career of brown-nosing. 1.2407 0.05241 108 88 14 6
1565 Budget cuts... 1.2407 0.05073 108 87 16 5
1566 Yes, I was awarded this one from CVS. 1.2407 0.05403 108 89 12 7
1567 It’s for the rank of CVS. 1.2407 0.05073 108 87 16 5
1568 I don't like to talk about the things I saw at the Battle of CVS. 1.2407 0.05073 108 87 16 5
1569 As you can see, I'm far more than just an 'ok' boomer 1.2407 0.05073 108 87 16 5
1570 I shall return. 1.2407 0.05403 108 89 12 7
1571 I see you've been shopping at CVS 1.2407 0.05241 108 88 14 6
1572 It’s my receipt from CVS 1.2407 0.05073 108 87 16 5
1573 Here’s the drink tab. No rush. 1.2407 0.05241 108 88 14 6
1574 In retrospect, I shouldn't have disputed the tweeted order. 1.2407 0.05073 108 87 16 5
1575 I keep our top secrets close to my chest. 1.2407 0.05073 108 87 16 5
1576 It's the Grocery Good Conduct ribbon. From the Battle of the Bulge! 1.2407 0.05241 108 88 14 6
1577 This is just the short list 1.2407 0.05073 108 87 16 5
1578 Did you get that from CVS? 1.2407 0.04720 108 85 20 3
1579 We’re working on a digital rank display as we speak. 1.2407 0.05241 108 88 14 6
1580 The last one is for explaining all the other ones. 1.2407 0.05073 108 87 16 5
1581 I am under orders to tell you that my commanding officer is a very funny guy, ma'am. 1.2407 0.05073 108 87 16 5
1582 With foreign policy nowadays, there are a lot of asterisks. 1.2407 0.05561 108 90 10 8
1583 That one's for uncommon thriftiness. 1.2389 0.04580 113 89 21 3
1584 Front line cashier at CVS, Bagram. Thanks. 1.2389 0.04580 113 89 21 3
1585 My EKG - proves I have a heart! 1.2389 0.05225 113 93 13 7
1586 I see you've earned the CVS medal. 1.2389 0.04913 113 91 17 5
1587 It's a transcript of a very high level administration official's telephone call that I didn't report. 1.2389 0.04913 113 91 17 5
1588 No mam, we cannot just ignore President Trump 1.2389 0.05374 113 94 11 8
1589 It's my shortest CVS receipt. 1.2389 0.05071 113 92 15 6
1590 It's the tab for all the people who've thanked me for my service. 1.2389 0.04580 113 89 21 3
1591 Yes ma'am, I'm the real deal--and for your information, I'm drinking straight scotch from this disgusting wine glass. 1.2389 0.04749 113 90 19 4
1592 When I retired I was head of security at the CVS on 23rd and First. 1.2389 0.04749 113 90 19 4
1593 It’s my wife’s grocery list dammit. 1.2389 0.04404 113 88 23 2
1594 That's the cost of the illusion of freedom. 1.2389 0.04913 113 91 17 5
1595 That’s for winning the Battle of CVS. 1.2389 0.05071 113 92 15 6
1596 You earned a free bar of soap from CVS. 1.2389 0.05225 113 93 13 7
1597 Sure, I was the guy that shopped for the rest of the Generals but, darnit, I did it well. 1.2389 0.04749 113 90 19 4
1598 I assumed they meant I'd be in receipt of a Certificate for Valorous Service. 1.2389 0.04493 113 91 18 4
1599 Yes, ma'am, I am a 4-Star General. Yes, it is a grocery list. And yes, I do serve, (sob), at the President's discretion. 1.2389 0.05225 113 93 13 7
1600 That's the one Trump tried to rip off so he could wear it himself. 1.2389 0.04749 113 90 19 4
1601 Just keep the printed receipt and return the bombers within 10 days if you’re not completely satisfied. 1.2389 0.04580 113 89 21 3
1602 When businessmen become politicians, This is what happens. 1.2389 0.05071 113 92 15 6
1603 All the positive Trump tweets that I sent 1.2389 0.04580 113 89 21 3
1604 Here's your receipt,Congresswoman. 1.2389 0.04913 113 91 17 5
1605 I did not save $4.64 with my value card to have it go unrecognized! 1.2389 0.05071 113 92 15 6
1606 I got this after my tour of Wal-Mart 1.2389 0.04913 113 91 17 5
1607 Multiple tours of the PX. 1.2389 0.04749 113 90 19 4
1608 I'm the family shopper. My wife gave me that one for Distinguished Service. 1.2389 0.04580 113 89 21 3
1609 ...and that one's from the Battle of Black Friday. 1.2389 0.04913 113 91 17 5
1610 Oh, that? That's my grocery shopping receipt. 1.2389 0.05225 113 93 13 7
1611 And this one is for the terrifying years I spent as a cashier at the grocery store. 1.2389 0.04404 113 88 23 2
1612 No, I'm not going to tell the President to Behave. 1.2389 0.04749 113 90 19 4
1613 My major battles were on Black Friday. 1.2389 0.05519 113 95 9 9
1614 I don't think I ordered Afghanistan. 1.2389 0.05225 113 93 13 7
1615 Oh, talking points from the boss. 1.2389 0.05225 113 93 13 7
1616 It seems it’s how they reward à la carte battle plans 1.2389 0.04314 113 90 20 3
1617 The medals are okay, but what I’m really proud of is how I maximized my coupons at the grocery store yesterday. 1.2389 0.04913 113 91 17 5
1618 Those are the ones I gave myself. 1.2389 0.04913 113 91 17 5
1619 Are my secret codes showing again? 1.2389 0.04913 113 91 17 5
1620 Trump campaigns--ready to tear off if he ever leaves. 1.2385 0.05814 109 93 6 10
1621 Wow, a pound of flesh has no value! 1.2385 0.05031 109 88 16 5
1622 That happens whenever I see a nice set. 1.2385 0.05358 109 90 12 7
1623 I got it for so often saying "Charge". 1.2385 0.05197 109 89 14 6
1624 Just a list of general topics." 1.2385 0.04681 109 86 20 3
1625 These are my receipts, to show you that I'm a five -star General and worthy of your attention" 1.2368 0.04712 114 91 19 4
1626 I I'm in the new Army! No freebies! This is my price list. Accessories like tanks and bombers are extra. 1.2368 0.04874 114 92 17 5
1627 This was for service in Silicon Valley 1.2364 0.03274 110 88 21 1
1628 Defending our country isn't cheap! 1.2364 0.04644 110 87 20 3
1629 It's been nice talking to you General Drug Store 1.2364 0.04820 110 88 18 4
1630 It was awarded for bravery at the Battle of CVS. 1.2364 0.05154 110 90 14 6
1631 It's a new policy - we're leaving the sales receipt attached so the taxpayers can see what all those medals cost. 1.2364 0.04990 110 89 16 5
1632 Oh my gosh, Alma. You look better in that dress than I do ! 1.2364 0.05314 110 91 12 7
1633 My pink slip signed by the President. 1.2364 0.05314 110 91 12 7
1634 That one's from a 3-year tour I did at CVS. 1.2364 0.04171 110 87 21 2
1635 It’s a list if my subpoenas. 1.2364 0.04990 110 89 16 5
1636 That’s for “Excellence in Targeting.” 1.2364 0.05154 110 90 14 6
1637 It's our new CVS strategy - extortionate healthcare is a quicker way to ruin a country than invasion or nukes. 1.2364 0.04990 110 89 16 5
1638 And I earned this one from buying a toothbrush at CVS 1.2364 0.05154 110 90 14 6
1639 ...And that was how I earned the CVS Receipt of Honor 1.2364 0.04820 110 88 18 4
1640 ...and in 3rd grade I got 'Tries Hard'. 1.2364 0.04990 110 89 16 5
1641 Thanks for noticing, but no, it's simply a grocery receipt, I'm responsible for stocking the mess hall. 1.2364 0.05154 110 90 14 6
1642 You think that’s impressive, you should see General CVS. 1.2364 0.05468 110 92 10 8
1643 It was for my leading a successful charge at dawn on Black Friday and we took no casualties! 1.2364 0.04644 110 87 20 3
1644 I had to stop by CVS before this. 1.2364 0.04990 110 89 16 5
1645 I've never forgotten the Boy Scout Motto to be prepared. 1.2364 0.05468 110 92 10 8
1646 “As the Rear Admiral, I oversee the toilet paper budget.” 1.2364 0.05314 110 91 12 7
1647 It's a reminder of the tab I ran up at last year's cocktail party. 1.2364 0.04820 110 88 18 4
1648 It's a CVS. Certified Valor in Service 1.2364 0.04820 110 88 18 4
1649 I said “here’s the shopping list”, not “go and enlist!” 1.2364 0.04990 110 89 16 5
1650 I shopped. They dropped. 1.2364 0.04460 110 86 22 2
1651 Below the Purple Heart, you'll find my references and employment history. 1.2364 0.04820 110 88 18 4
1652 It's our latest effort in raising awareness for the GI Bill. 1.2315 0.05028 108 88 15 5
1653 Tab's on me tonight. 1.2315 0.04671 108 86 19 3
1654 It's a print-out of the additional medals which I should have gotten. 1.2315 0.04853 108 87 17 4
1655 The Privileges of Rank also involve getting stuck with a Running Tab. 1.2315 0.05028 108 88 15 5
1656 That? It’s just a grocery list. 1.2315 0.04671 108 86 19 3
1657 Since #metoo, the Pentagon decided they needed to give us a list of what NOT to do on a date. 1.2315 0.05361 108 90 11 7
1658 That's for action in the Check Republic. 1.2315 0.05028 108 88 15 5
1659 It all adds up to me being very eligible. 1.2315 0.05028 108 88 15 5
1660 I got this one for Black Friday. 1.2315 0.04671 108 86 19 3
1661 It's for Distinguished Accountability. 1.2315 0.04671 108 86 19 3
1662 That one is for the Black Friday Campaign 1.2315 0.05197 108 89 13 6
1663 They're tweets,from you know who. 1.2315 0.05028 108 88 15 5
1664 As duty demands, I only buy generic brands. 1.2315 0.05028 108 88 15 5
1665 It's for Smart Procurement. 1.2315 0.04853 108 87 17 4
1666 So what do you think? Was I overcharged for these medals? 1.2315 0.04853 108 87 17 4
1667 Yes, ma'am. Scribbled redacted notes on toilet paper has proven to be the most effective and affordable deterrent to hacking. 1.2315 0.05028 108 88 15 5
1668 Is that your CVS receipt in your pocket or are you just happy to see me? 1.2315 0.04853 108 87 17 4
1669 Commissary......holiday season....'04.........brutal. 1.2315 0.04482 108 85 21 2
1670 Yes ma'am. I'm Santa's attache. 1.2315 0.05028 108 88 15 5
1671 Yes, my division is sponsored by CVS. 1.2315 0.04671 108 86 19 3
1672 It’s my answer to “What’s that one for?” 1.2315 0.04853 108 87 17 4
1673 So, he just pardoned all your war crimes? Just like that? 1.2315 0.04482 108 85 21 2
1674 Yes, Ma'am, I'm on the clock. 1.2315 0.05028 108 88 15 5
1675 Yes I was also the ranking officer for base commissaries 1.2315 0.04671 108 86 19 3
1676 It's a receipt reminding me we are still paying for the last war. 1.2315 0.05028 108 88 15 5
1677 I'd like the light blue one with five white stars. Does the price include tax? 1.2315 0.05197 108 89 13 6
1678 That's a list of the disclaimers that go along with my awards. 1.2315 0.04853 108 87 17 4
1679 Itemized receipt for collateral damage. 1.2315 0.04671 108 86 19 3
1680 That's for my service in the Battle of CVS. 1.2315 0.04853 108 87 17 4
1681 That's just a receipt from the commissary. 1.2315 0.05028 108 88 15 5
1682 Yes, I really am registered with the Green Party. 1.2315 0.05028 108 88 15 5
1683 That ribbon bar prints in portrait and landscape. 1.2315 0.04853 108 87 17 4
1684 I served three Black Friday tours. 1.2264 0.04698 106 85 18 3
1685 It was for the Battle of CVS. 1.2264 0.05240 106 88 12 6
1686 It says here you fought at the Battle of Safeway. 1.2264 0.05240 106 88 12 6
1687 I said "excuse me", not "pardon me". 1.2264 0.04503 106 84 20 2
1688 It's from my last sortie to Home Depot. 1.2264 0.04503 106 84 20 2
1689 Under the campaign ribbons is a list of tweets about what I don't know, should know, can't know, couldn't know, won't know, used to know, and reminder that I'm not as super-duper badass awesome as he is. 1.2264 0.05240 106 88 12 6
1690 Our Commander In Chief is a businessman. 1.2264 0.05240 106 88 12 6
1691 It's my Catering Corp Medal with bar tab. 1.2264 0.05240 106 88 12 6
1692 Read it and weep. 1.2264 0.05066 106 87 14 5
1693 Young lady, I’ll have you know that these medals cost an arm and a leg. 1.2264 0.05066 106 87 14 5
1694 Looks like someone thinks he was a good little boy this year. 1.2264 0.04503 106 84 20 2
1695 I got it in the Costco Wars of 2018. 1.2264 0.05240 106 88 12 6
1696 And next to my Medal of Honor is my Receipt of Discontent 1.2264 0.04503 106 84 20 2
1697 That’s my award for braving the mall on Black Friday. 1.2264 0.04698 106 85 18 3
1698 I earned that one during the media wars. 1.2264 0.04503 106 84 20 2
1699 It's the fitty men I killed. 1.2264 0.00948 106 93 10 3
1700 It's a great conversation starter. 1.2264 0.05240 106 88 12 6
1701 We get returned at dawn. 1.2264 0.05066 106 87 14 5
1702 You know when you buy a new car and they give you those temporary tags? 1.2264 0.04698 106 85 18 3
1703 Congress did not authorize the dip, that's correct. 1.2264 0.05573 106 90 8 8
1704 It's the new top secret spyware. It records everything you say immediately for future record. Can you read shorthand? I need an assistant. 1.2264 0.04886 106 86 16 4
1705 I carry this around as a reminder of the last time I picked up everybody's tab. 1.2264 0.04698 106 85 18 3
1706 They're all my CVS Rewards 1.2264 0.04886 106 86 16 4
1707 I also have a part time job at Target. I was recently promoted. 1.2264 0.05066 106 87 14 5
1708 Sorry ma'am, I thought it was an open bar. 1.2264 0.04698 106 85 18 3
1709 Please, don’t repeat this to anyone! It’s a target co-ordinate list from my last mission over un-named lands. But nowadays, I use it for rolling weed! Got some? 1.2264 0.05240 106 88 12 6
1710 Usually the toilet paper sticks to my shoe 1.2264 0.05573 106 90 8 8
1711 I'm your "Service Robot", another drink? I'm your "Service Robot", another........... 1.2264 0.04503 106 84 20 2
1712 That's for the CVS Tour of Duty. 1.2264 0.05066 106 87 14 5
1713 you know how important i am by the number of tweets sent out about me from Captain Bonespurs 1.2264 0.05066 106 87 14 5
1714 It's a very prestigious, very hush-hush British award called Victoria's Secret. 1.2264 0.05573 106 90 8 8
1715 It's for surviving Black Friday. 1.2264 0.04698 106 85 18 3
1716 My wife works for CVS, so it was easy. 1.2264 0.04886 106 86 16 4
1717 Don't forget to tip for the war effort. 1.2264 0.04084 106 87 16 3
1718 ..we may go to war with Iran. Woman: Your Extracare bucks are expiring. 1.2264 0.05409 106 89 10 7
1719 It's for The Battle of The Budget 1.2252 0.04904 111 91 15 5
1720 I hate it when they call it "naval gazing." 1.2252 0.04735 111 90 17 4
1721 It's my favorite wine list by entree. 1.2233 0.04562 103 82 19 2
1722 It's my Walmart campaign service commendation. 1.2233 0.05150 103 85 13 5
1723 Supermarket wars, Ma'am! 1.2233 0.04766 103 83 17 3
1724 She found him married when he saw his shopping list. One of the items was "Bring Bread". 1.2233 0.04962 103 84 15 4
1725 yes, just got back from CVS...why do you ask? 1.2233 0.05150 103 85 13 5
1726 It's a love letter for Kim, Xi, and Vlad. 1.2233 0.04766 103 83 17 3
1727 Yes, the Battle of CVS. Forgive me, but it's still difficult to talk about. 1.2233 0.04962 103 84 15 4
1728 This is my last offer. But no interviews or word to the press. 1.2233 0.05150 103 85 13 5
1729 I keep my expenses close to my chest. 1.2233 0.04962 103 84 15 4
1730 I got my Meritorious Service Medal from CVS. 1.2233 0.04766 103 83 17 3
1731 That's the sales receipt for them from Walgreens. 1.2233 0.04766 103 83 17 3
1732 It's the new Tweet Campaign pin. 1.2233 0.04962 103 84 15 4
1733 You're right! Can't see a refund for that Trident anywhere. 1.2233 0.05150 103 85 13 5
1734 So much heroism, so little space. 1.2233 0.04865 103 86 12 5
1735 2019, yet we still communicate by fax. 1.2233 0.04766 103 83 17 3
1736 My wife wants me to stop for groceries on the way home. 1.2212 0.04918 104 85 15 4
1737 The army recently calculated the price of valor. 1.2184 0.05526 87 72 11 4
1738 It's not stolen valor–I kept the receipt. 1.2178 0.04794 101 82 16 3
1739 It's an I.O.U.~ I'm brave but very quick doing it. 1.2178 0.05190 101 84 12 5
1740 I thought the letter said medal recipient. 1.2178 0.05190 101 84 12 5
1741 It's an honor to meet you, Miss, here on the cocktail party front-- where so many of my medals have been earned. 1.2178 0.05190 101 84 12 5
1742 Well sure, everything is paid for in some way by someone. 1.2178 0.04582 101 81 18 2
1743 It's for the CVS campaign. 1.2178 0.04996 101 83 14 4
1744 How impressive Sir! Shall I rip it off and keep it in my bra? So you can play finders keepers later! 1.2178 0.05559 101 86 8 7
1745 Credit, debit or cash? 1.2178 0.05378 101 85 10 6
1746 Death and taxes. 1.2178 0.04582 101 81 18 2
1747 Yes- when there's a pardon, it reflects on all of us. 1.2178 0.04996 101 83 14 4
1748 I mean, I’ve never been asked to sign terms and conditions for a social chat. 1.2178 0.05190 101 84 12 5
1749 Hard to believe, but CVS actually sells military decorations. 1.2178 0.04128 101 84 14 3
1750 And, as you can see, that one cost me an arm. 1.2178 0.04996 101 83 14 4
1751 I got this one for killing 40 pizzas in 30 days. 1.2178 0.05190 101 84 12 5
1752 They won't let me return to war without my receipt. 1.2178 0.04361 101 80 20 1
1753 You pick up the tab at the officers club often enough you're awarded a ribbon. 1.2178 0.04996 101 83 14 4
1754 It says here I ordered taller! 1.2178 0.05190 101 84 12 5
1755 It's a rental 1.2178 0.04582 101 81 18 2
1756 I have receipts. 1.2178 0.04794 101 82 16 3
1757 The Pentagon requires a receipt attached for everything these days. 1.2178 0.04582 101 81 18 2
1758 It’s a real time EKG. 1.2178 0.04996 101 83 14 4
1759 True story: this is the actual Schindler's List. 1.2178 0.04996 101 83 14 4
1760 Better step back. CVS is sending my weekly coupons for hemorrhoid cream.” 1.2178 0.05190 101 84 12 5
1761 Well that's surprising. I would have thought that jacket would be dry clean only. 1.2178 0.04996 101 83 14 4
1762 My wife awarded me this medal after The Battle of the I Got the Wrong Brand Yogurt at The Grocery Store 1.2178 0.05190 101 84 12 5
1763 This is my laundry list. 1.2178 0.05190 101 84 12 5
1764 They cost me an arm and leg. 1.2178 0.04794 101 82 16 3
1765 My last posting was at the pentagon in charge of small arms sales 1.2178 0.04794 101 82 16 3
1766 Oooo, that's an impressive list of pardons! 1.2178 0.04794 101 82 16 3
1767 It's hard to fit all these accomplishments on LinkedIn 1.2178 0.04996 101 83 14 4
1768 It's great to have a legend here. 1.2178 0.05190 101 84 12 5
1769 My wife asked me to stop by the grocery store on the way home. 1.2178 0.04996 101 83 14 4
1770 Transparency in government, Ma’am. We Generals wear our receipts as proudly as our ribbons. 1.2169 0.05950 83 70 8 5
1771 It's what these medals cost me. 1.2162 0.05858 74 61 10 3
1772 Sure, I can show you something longer. 1.2143 0.04865 98 80 15 3
1773 That's my index to remind me what the heck all the ribbons are for . 1.2143 0.04865 98 80 15 3
1774 General, I'd go with Oligarch's Delight in the 5th. 1.2143 0.04644 98 79 17 2
1775 Showing my expenses from raising 4 children warrants a ribbon of it's own. 1.2143 0.04644 98 79 17 2
1776 That one is for frugality. 1.2143 0.04865 98 80 15 3
1777 I always forget to use my extrabucks rewards if I don't keep my receipt handy. 1.2143 0.05077 98 81 13 4
1778 Yes, my wife’s grocery list is a lot like an endless war. 1.2143 0.05280 98 82 11 5
1779 All ready for the ticker tape parade. 1.2143 0.05077 98 81 13 4
1780 They amputated my left arm and gave me this "bill of honor." 1.2143 0.04412 98 78 19 1
1781 Why don't we step outside and I'll show you my vanity plates. 1.2143 0.05280 98 82 11 5
1782 Sure, everyone thanks me for my service, but is an additional 20% before tax too much to expect? 1.2143 0.05077 98 81 13 4
1783 Damn, that four-top just ordered another war. 1.2143 0.04865 98 80 15 3
1784 It’s my bar tab. 1.2143 0.04865 98 80 15 3
1785 And this one is for the CVS campaign. 1.2143 0.05077 98 81 13 4
1786 So how long have you been decorating? 1.2143 0.05280 98 82 11 5
1787 I was wounded in the Campaign of 2012. 1.2143 0.04644 98 79 17 2
1788 Well...you could have had it e-mailed! 1.2143 0.05077 98 81 13 4
1789 It's for bravery on Black Friday. 1.2143 0.04865 98 80 15 3
1790 Hmm...is that a disclaimer? 1.2143 0.04865 98 80 15 3
1791 Thank me for my service. 1.2143 0.05077 98 81 13 4
1792 We aren't allowed to post on Twitter. 1.2143 0.04644 98 79 17 2
1793 The bartender said he was keeping a running tab on me. 1.2143 0.05280 98 82 11 5
1794 What language are you important in? 1.2143 0.05280 98 82 11 5
1795 This one's the real transcript. 1.2143 0.05077 98 81 13 4
1796 I won that one on a draw at the Px. 1.2143 0.05280 98 82 11 5
1797 It's the only way my honey do list gets completed 1.2143 0.05077 98 81 13 4
1798 And those are the ones from CVS. 1.2143 0.04865 98 80 15 3
1799 It’s called “Extended Bona Fides.” 1.2143 0.04865 98 80 15 3
1800 Of course the CVS medal is one of the most prestigious. Tomorrow I'm going to save 35¢ on soup. 1.2143 0.04644 98 79 17 2
1801 It's for safely guiding my troops through hostile lines at CVS. 1.2143 0.05077 98 81 13 4
1802 It's Eisenhower's fruit salad recipe 1.2143 0.04865 98 80 15 3
1803 No, it's not a receipt for purchased medals. 1.2143 0.04865 98 80 15 3
1804 Of course we all liked it better when our money came straight from Congress, but we really did do very well at the bake sale! 1.2143 0.05280 98 82 11 5
1805 No, ma’am, this is not my honey-do list. 1.2143 0.04865 98 80 15 3
1806 I'd prefer the belt notch. 1.2143 0.05280 98 82 11 5
1807 The receipt from CVS was too long for my pocket. 1.2143 0.04412 98 78 19 1
1808 So, the General shops at CVS? 1.2143 0.04644 98 79 17 2
1809 I got tired of carrying so many heavy metal pins, okay? 1.2143 0.04865 98 80 15 3
1810 It reduces award-making costs. 1.2143 0.05077 98 81 13 4
1811 This one commemorates my time in CVS. 1.2143 0.04644 98 79 17 2
1812 Those are for surviving Tweets. 1.2143 0.05475 98 83 9 6
1813 Umm, Judy makes me wear that one. Honey-do list 1.2143 0.04865 98 80 15 3
1814 Their weight was worsening my scoliosis. 1.2143 0.05077 98 81 13 4
1815 I've got to give credit wherever I 'do. 1.2143 0.04865 98 80 15 3
1816 This one? My first deployment to CVS. 1.2143 0.05280 98 82 11 5
1817 Oooh, the CVS pharmacy medal for patience. 1.2143 0.05280 98 82 11 5
1818 I am very proud of the white ribbon that I won at the state fair for pie baking. 1.2143 0.03478 98 82 14 2
1819 Madam, my medals are down there. 1.2143 0.05077 98 81 13 4
1820 I find the list helps me keep track of whom I have to respect and who has to respect me.. 1.2143 0.04412 98 78 19 1
1821 I'll match my chest against yours any day! 1.2143 0.04412 98 78 19 1
1822 All that for Christmas? 1.2143 0.04644 98 79 17 2
1823 Running list of Commander-in-Chief personnel orders. 1.2143 0.05077 98 81 13 4
1824 In lieu of a ticker tape parade. 1.2143 0.05077 98 81 13 4
1825 You lost your arm in a power grab? 1.2143 0.05077 98 81 13 4
1826 ...anyway we lost a lot of good men in that CVS. A lot of good men. 1.2143 0.04865 98 80 15 3
1827 I don't mean to brag, but...... 1.2143 0.05280 98 82 11 5
1828 And that last one I got at CVS 1.2143 0.04865 98 80 15 3
1829 No, it is NOT a CVS receipt! 1.2143 0.04865 98 80 15 3
1830 My shopping is also quite distinguished... 1.2143 0.04865 98 80 15 3
1831 It's my resumé. I like people to know I'm qualified. 1.2143 0.04865 98 80 15 3
1832 I'm a four-star general, but I'm on sale for half-price this week. 1.2143 0.04865 98 80 15 3
1833 How impressive, you're keeping tract of the national debt. 1.2143 0.05077 98 81 13 4
1834 24/7, we can’t spend it fast enough. 1.2143 0.05280 98 82 11 5
1835 I’ve received longer tapes at CVS. 1.2143 0.05280 98 82 11 5
1836 Excuse me sir, have you seen my name badge...Dollar General? 1.2143 0.05077 98 81 13 4
1837 Complete the survey at the bottom, and you’ll be entered for a chance to win the deployment of a full battalion to the trouble spot of your choice. 1.2143 0.05280 98 82 11 5
1838 It’s a listing of all my commendations by Trump on Twitter 1.2143 0.05280 98 82 11 5
1839 I started in the commissary. 1.2143 0.05280 98 82 11 5
1840 And then there was the battle at CVS. 1.2143 0.04865 98 80 15 3
1841 So I said, ‘Why stop at ticker tape parades?’, and had this beauty installed last week. 1.2143 0.04644 98 79 17 2
1842 And that one, of course, was for testifying at his impeachment. Nice pearls, by the way. 1.2143 0.04644 98 79 17 2
1843 ...And this one I got the last time I went to CVS. 1.2143 0.04865 98 80 15 3
1844 Purple prose 1.2143 0.05280 98 82 11 5
1845 It’s for ‘The Honey-Do Campaign’. 1.2143 0.05077 98 81 13 4
1846 ... and after I spent the $400, I told them what they could do with their free turkey. 1.2143 0.04644 98 79 17 2
1847 And this one is for ten percent off for my next purchase at CVS. 1.2143 0.04865 98 80 15 3
1848 Regrets, I've had a few; The military is a cruel mistress; Tomorrow never comes; You seem like a nice girl.........; What's the next one say? 1.2143 0.04644 98 79 17 2
1849 That's why it's called a military-industrial COMPLEX! 1.2143 0.05077 98 81 13 4
1850 And these are just today's military discounts. 1.2143 0.04865 98 80 15 3
1851 After my testimony, Trump made me wear a disclaimer on my medals. 1.2143 0.04644 98 79 17 2
1852 It's safer in case there's a lightning storm. 1.2143 0.05475 98 83 9 6
1853 That one is for reading between the lines of the Commander in Chief's speech. 1.2143 0.05475 98 83 9 6
1854 Well, I earned this one at the battle of CVS. It's actually 2 yards long and goes all the way down my pant leg. 1.2143 0.05077 98 81 13 4
1855 The list would be longer but my battery needs replacing. 1.2143 0.04644 98 79 17 2
1856 Wow, so that's what the our taxes pay for? 1.2143 0.05077 98 81 13 4
1857 This one was for bravery on Black Friday 2018. 1.2143 0.04865 98 80 15 3
1858 CVS regiment, ma’am.” 1.2143 0.05077 98 81 13 4
1859 Madam these are all the personal conflicts I have served in, in the last three decades of service. 1.2143 0.05280 98 82 11 5
1860 It’s a list of everything in this fruit salad! 1.2143 0.04644 98 79 17 2
1861 price list for the bake sale items. the new manned- drone project needs funding fast! 1.2143 0.04644 98 79 17 2
1862 Its my short form resignation letter. 1.2143 0.04412 98 78 19 1
1863 No, that's just my Honey Do List. 1.2143 0.05077 98 81 13 4
1864 Its a list of my other achievements 1.2143 0.04865 98 80 15 3
1865 Conspicuous valor. 1.2143 0.05077 98 81 13 4
1866 They thank me for my service, yet never offer a tip. 1.2143 0.04972 98 83 10 5
1867 Frankly Madam, I itemize everything. 1.2143 0.04412 98 78 19 1
1868 Wow, I’ve never seen them itemized before. 1.2136 0.04503 103 83 18 2
1869 The Department felt that the actual receipts would be more impressive. 1.2136 0.04709 103 84 16 3
1870 ...and I get 15% off my next medal. 1.2136 0.04709 103 84 16 3
1871 Is that as big as it gets? 1.2136 0.04503 103 83 18 2
1872 Would you like your name to be added to this list of distinguished women I have conquered? 1.2136 0.04286 103 82 20 1
1873 I’m an officer of the line item 1.2136 0.04907 103 85 14 4
1874 My therapist says I have a military industrial complex. 1.2136 0.04503 103 83 18 2
1875 Yes, its a fax-- military appropriations for cell phones were used to pay for the wall. 1.2136 0.04907 103 85 14 4
1876 Can I take advantage of the 'Buy One, Get One Free' deal before it expires? 1.2136 0.05098 103 86 12 5
1877 Yes, I did just return from CVS, how did you know? 1.2136 0.04709 103 84 16 3
1878 Talk is cheap but dry cleaning is expensive 1.2136 0.04709 103 84 16 3
1879 That's for my service with the Paper Tigers. 1.2136 0.04709 103 84 16 3
1880 Oh, this? This isn't a medal. This is a just list of all the times I had a PTSD-related panic attack in the last month. 1.2136 0.04907 103 85 14 4
1881 I like to give credit where credit is due. 1.2121 0.05030 99 82 13 4
1882 I'm running a quick background check. 1.2083 0.04663 96 78 16 2
1883 Actually, I ordered a Czech uniform. 1.2083 0.04663 96 78 16 2
1884 That one, madam, is for latrine duty 1.2083 0.05322 96 81 10 5
1885 The running tab of war crime pardons I need to discreetly countermand when I get home tonight... 1.2083 0.05322 96 81 10 5
1886 We thought installing these would help us keep up with the chaotic commands. Didn't work. 1.2083 0.05322 96 81 10 5
1887 That's my CVS ribbon of merit 1.2083 0.05322 96 81 10 5
1888 Black Friday shopping at Costco is no joke, let me tell you! 1.2083 0.04663 96 78 16 2
1889 That one? Oh, that one’s just my bar tab. 1.2083 0.05112 96 80 12 4
1890 Excuse me sir, I'm just very impressed by the amount of tax you paid -- even less than mine! 1.2083 0.05322 96 81 10 5
1891 Commander-In-Chief? Refresh my memory 1.2083 0.04893 96 79 14 3
1892 General Lee speaking... 1.2083 0.04893 96 79 14 3
1893 We all serve at the pleasure of the president. I just happen to dish up a bit more pleasure than the others. 1.2083 0.04422 96 77 18 1
1894 This one's for bravery during the BOGO War of 2016. 1.2083 0.05112 96 80 12 4
1895 My list of approved titles for the president, after I called him Herr 1.2083 0.04893 96 79 14 3
1896 Yes Ma'am, this is a short list of the positions for which I'm being considered by the President. 1.2083 0.04663 96 78 16 2
1897 It's the President's Twitter feed directed to the Army. 1.2083 0.04663 96 78 16 2
1898 That's just the portion of the CVS receipt I couldn't quite shove in my pocket. 1.2083 0.04663 96 78 16 2
1899 I'm being sent to Saudi Arabia, 'invoice enclosed.' 1.2083 0.05322 96 81 10 5
1900 It's a printout of my impeachment testimony. Saves time. 1.2083 0.04663 96 78 16 2
1901 I received the CVS Honorable Discharge. 1.2069 0.05206 87 72 12 3
1902 Yes ma’am, my many conquests. 1.2065 0.04516 92 74 17 1
1903 I'm still working on memorizing my "oath of trump." 1.2062 0.05064 97 81 12 4
1904 It commemorates my service on Black Friday. 1.2043 0.04968 93 77 13 3
1905 And this one was for the Battle of CVS. 1.2043 0.05418 93 79 9 5
1906 I can see from my readout you're 32, single, employed as a teacher and have a dog named Doby. 1.2043 0.04968 93 77 13 3
1907 I just like to keep tabs on the taxpayers’ money on my battles. 1.2043 0.04727 93 76 15 2
1908 My first tour of duty was at a CVS. 1.2043 0.04727 93 76 15 2
1909 I'm the Admiral of CVS. 1.2043 0.04968 93 77 13 3
1910 It's my bill for services rendered. 1.2043 0.04473 93 75 17 1
1911 That’s for single handedly capturing a bargain TV at the Black Friday sale. 1.2043 0.05198 93 78 11 4
1912 That's my receipt from CVS for aspirin. 1.2043 0.04968 93 77 13 3
1913 Thanks for shopping. Would you like your receipt? 1.2043 0.04727 93 76 15 2
1914 Mamm, procurement is hell. 1.2043 0.05198 93 78 11 4
1915 I give receipts, ma'am 1.2043 0.04968 93 77 13 3
1916 Its an award for procurement with a star for value. 1.2043 0.04968 93 77 13 3
1917 I see you’ve been to CVS. 1.2043 0.04968 93 77 13 3
1918 General enlistment. 1.2043 0.04968 93 77 13 3
1919 Sponsored by CVS. 1.2043 0.05198 93 78 11 4
1920 In the 60’s I was briefly stationed at CVS. 1.2043 0.04727 93 76 15 2
1921 When were you in CVS? 1.2043 0.05198 93 78 11 4
1922 The eventual plan is to get it all on a small screen. 1.2043 0.04727 93 76 15 2
1923 That's for one tour of duty in CVS. 1.2043 0.04727 93 76 15 2
1924 You’ll find that, in the long run, military service really can pay off. 1.2043 0.04968 93 77 13 3
1925 ok boomer 1.2043 0.05198 93 78 11 4
1926 Did you copy that? 1.2043 0.05198 93 78 11 4
1927 I was an Eagle Scout: Always bring TP. 1.2043 0.05418 93 79 9 5
1928 A lot of Prell got spilled in Rite-Aid Valley 1.2043 0.04727 93 76 15 2
1929 I work part time at CVS 1.2043 0.04968 93 77 13 3
1930 That's right. I spent over one hundred dollars at CVS. 1.2043 0.05198 93 78 11 4
1931 CVS citation. 1.2043 0.04968 93 77 13 3
1932 If I have some spare time, would you like me to calculate your budget deficit? 1.2043 0.04473 93 75 17 1
1933 Yes, I do shop frequently at CVS. Why do you ask? 1.2043 0.04968 93 77 13 3
1934 I see you've noticed the 'Shopped Correctly For My Spouse' badge 1.2043 0.04968 93 77 13 3
1935 Believe it or not, this entire receipt is from one thing I bought at CVS. 1.2043 0.03439 93 79 12 2
1936 I got it for surviving self-checkout at CVS. 1.2043 0.05198 93 78 11 4
1937 You should see my email signature... 1.2043 0.04727 93 76 15 2
1938 I got my training at CVS. 1.2043 0.04727 93 76 15 2
1939 My wife calls it the Distinguished Grocery Shopper award. 1.2043 0.05418 93 79 9 5
1940 Here's your receipt, Ms. Taxpayer. Do you use a cash back card? 1.2043 0.02884 93 80 11 2
1941 Oh that's just next week's invasion plans so I don't lose them. 1.2043 0.04727 93 76 15 2
1942 What is your favorite dressing for all of that fruit salad? 1.2043 0.04968 93 77 13 3
1943 I just received my new orders. 1.2043 0.04727 93 76 15 2
1944 I'm getting a jump on the ticker tape parade. 1.2043 0.04968 93 77 13 3
1945 I got that one for attaching original receipts. 1.2043 0.05198 93 78 11 4
1946 I got that one for going to CVS. 1.2043 0.04473 93 75 17 1
1947 That's for how much I saved the Pentagon by not going on junkets. 1.2043 0.05198 93 78 11 4
1948 Sorry, but I haven't finished processing yet. 1.2043 0.05198 93 78 11 4
1949 Is that a receipt for your medals or are you just happy to see me? 1.2043 0.05198 93 78 11 4
1950 Just read it off the printout. I'm tired of answering the questions. 1.2043 0.04727 93 76 15 2
1951 That medal is for keeping up with the President's tweets. 1.2043 0.05198 93 78 11 4
1952 That is for Distinguished Action in the Black Friday Operation. 1.2043 0.04727 93 76 15 2
1953 It's for whenever someone says 'What do you want, a medal?' 1.2043 0.04968 93 77 13 3
1954 Grrr. This darn printer...tickles...me. 1.2043 0.04727 93 76 15 2
1955 General Accounts. And yours? 1.2043 0.04727 93 76 15 2
1956 It’s the bill for the estimated cost of me saving your ass since 9/11! 1.2043 0.04968 93 77 13 3
1957 It’s a ledger. I’m a general ledger, ok? 1.2043 0.05418 93 79 9 5
1958 And the bottom one is a receipt from, "Guns Are Us". 1.2043 0.05418 93 79 9 5
1959 It saves time and in case I forget what they're for. 1.2043 0.04968 93 77 13 3
1960 It’s the receipt from my purchase of the medals! 1.2043 0.05630 93 80 7 6
1961 I guess CVS really does sell everything. 1.2043 0.05198 93 78 11 4
1962 It's called a smart badge. I hear the younger guys have ones with a digital readout. 1.2043 0.04727 93 76 15 2
1963 I'm not actually in the Army. I've just driven a cab in New York City for 35 years. 1.2043 0.04727 93 76 15 2
1964 It’s a receipt . . . don’t ask. 1.2043 0.04727 93 76 15 2
1965 Is says here that you "cleaned the bathroom that one time". Wow, thank you for your service. 1.2043 0.04968 93 77 13 3
1966 You know what they say about the size of a man's CVS receipt...... 1.2043 0.04727 93 76 15 2
1967 Yes it is a shopping list. 1.2043 0.04968 93 77 13 3
1968 No Ma'am, that is not a medal, I stopped at the pharmacy on my way here. 1.2043 0.04968 93 77 13 3
1969 The best thing when you are captured? You do not have to be sociable and pretend the wine is good. 1.2043 0.04727 93 76 15 2
1970 Wow, you survived in the great battle at CVS. 1.2043 0.05198 93 78 11 4
1971 I see you served during operation bought-a-pack-of-gum-at-the-pharmacy. 1.2043 0.04968 93 77 13 3
1972 Actually, I got it all at Army Surplus. That’s the register tape. 1.2043 0.04473 93 75 17 1
1973 It was for the Walmart Campaign of '94." 1.2043 0.05418 93 79 9 5
1974 Yes, I earned the badges, but be sure to read the disclaimers. 1.2043 0.04727 93 76 15 2
1975 Now it's your turn to list your accomplishments. 1.2043 0.04727 93 76 15 2
1976 How else do you expect me to remember all these names?! 1.2043 0.04968 93 77 13 3
1977 Short chest. 1.2021 0.04920 94 78 13 3
1978 Would you like to sponsor an invasion? 1.2021 0.04682 94 77 15 2
1979 Trump just asked me to take care of his laundry. 1.1978 0.04745 91 75 14 2
1980 My wife insists that I wear a list of my past girlfriends whenever I go to a party without her. 1.1978 0.04745 91 75 14 2
1981 Its a list of the campaigns we cannot talk about. 1.1978 0.04745 91 75 14 2
1982 That’s my receipt from Black Friday...scariest battle I’ve been in. 1.1978 0.04480 91 74 16 1
1983 I served in all the 'Stans 1.1978 0.05234 91 77 10 4
1984 Oh, that one is a glowing review of my new tell-all book. 1.1978 0.04745 91 75 14 2
1985 That one is for pulling my privates out of a Black Friday hell hole. 1.1978 0.04745 91 75 14 2
1986 That one is for bringing the receipts to the impeachment hearing. 1.1978 0.05234 91 77 10 4
1987 Cause I forgot the eggs last time, and she wont go one more day without em. 1.1978 0.05234 91 77 10 4
1988 The staff at the White House made this list for me so that the President could introduce me as the military man with the most bigly list of awards ever seen! 1.1978 0.04996 91 76 12 3
1989 It's a list of all the men I killed. Impressed? 1.1978 0.05682 91 79 6 6
1990 In case I ever want my heroism back. 1.1978 0.05234 91 77 10 4
1991 Sorry! I didn’t mean to laugh. I just didn’t think it’d be a CVS coupon. 1.1978 0.05234 91 77 10 4
1992 I got that from Saudi Arabia. 1.1978 0.04996 91 76 12 3
1993 This is my general store list. 1.1978 0.05234 91 77 10 4
1994 Ma'am, I earned this. The day: BlackFriday. The place: Target Superstore. The time: 5 A.M. I was first in and first out. War is hell. 1.1978 0.04996 91 76 12 3
1995 The awards keep coming! 1.1978 0.04996 91 76 12 3
1996 I am a selfserviceman, ma'am. No need to thank me. 1.1978 0.04996 91 76 12 3
1997 That one's for meritorious service in the commissary. 1.1978 0.04745 91 75 14 2
1998 The death toll from Agent Orange has slowed down a bit. 20 years ago I had to replace the roll 3 times a day. 1.1978 0.05682 91 79 6 6
1999 Don’t worry, m’am, I’m unarmed. (Submitted by Denise & Hannah Kerlan — Germantown, TN) 1.1978 0.04480 91 74 16 1
2000 That’s for my acts of contrition. 1.1978 0.04745 91 75 14 2
2001 Lost my arm in a combat zone. Do you need your receipt? 1.1978 0.04996 91 76 12 3
2002 It's a list of inane questions to which I do not respond. 1.1978 0.05234 91 77 10 4
2003 What happened to your arm? 1.1978 0.04745 91 75 14 2
2004 And _that_ was for my tour of duty in Cub Foods. 1.1978 0.04996 91 76 12 3
2005 It's a Cash Register Receipt Ribbon for surviving Black Friday. 1.1978 0.04745 91 75 14 2
2006 And this one's for shopping at CVS. 1.1978 0.05463 91 78 8 5
2007 After the budget cuts, they computerized the awarding process. 1.1978 0.04745 91 75 14 2
2008 Trump coupons 1.1978 0.04996 91 76 12 3
2009 Black Friday duty at the PX 1.1978 0.05234 91 77 10 4
2010 My wife worried I’d forget to pick up the groceries. 1.1978 0.04745 91 75 14 2
2011 This is my wish list for Santa. 1.1978 0.04745 91 75 14 2
2012 It’s a list of women I’ve known. 1.1978 0.04480 91 74 16 1
2013 Did the supermarket win the war? 1.1978 0.04996 91 76 12 3
2014 It’s for the Tweeter-in-Chief. 1.1978 0.05234 91 77 10 4
2015 2018 Battle of CVS 1.1978 0.04996 91 76 12 3
2016 Cost overruns in real time. 1.1978 0.05463 91 78 8 5
2017 The ribbon is for kissing up under fire 1.1978 0.05234 91 77 10 4
2018 I got that one for successfully buying 74 items in a Whole Foods express lane. 1.1978 0.05234 91 77 10 4
2019 Well there’s nothing officially about Ukraine on there... 1.1978 0.04745 91 75 14 2
2020 These too could be yours for the small price of a lifetime. 1.1978 0.05463 91 78 8 5
2021 It's called the MacArthur ribbon. "I shall return." 1.1978 0.04745 91 75 14 2
2022 Procurement is tough duty, ma'am. 1.1978 0.04996 91 76 12 3
2023 Oh, and that’s the human and financial cost of each of these wars 1.1978 0.04745 91 75 14 2
2024 My wife’s shopping list. 1.1978 0.04745 91 75 14 2
2025 My branch? I’m with the Office of Management and Budget. 1.1978 0.05234 91 77 10 4
2026 The DSC’s on the right. This one’s CVS. 1.1978 0.04745 91 75 14 2
2027 Oh my, they did cost rather a lot, didn't they? 1.1978 0.04745 91 75 14 2
2028 Well, Ma’am, after I testify, they seldom remember to take their receipt 1.1978 0.04996 91 76 12 3
2029 Suggested tip is on the bottom line. 1.1978 0.04996 91 76 12 3
2030 Those are my Over-Budget Citations. I would've never made General without them. 1.1978 0.04996 91 76 12 3
2031 I received 4 stars from Michelin. You can read the review. 1.1978 0.04745 91 75 14 2
2032 No! It is not the list of people I killed. 1.1978 0.04745 91 75 14 2
2033 I agree that it would be better to have your left arm than a list of pending military ribbons and medals. 1.1978 0.04745 91 75 14 2
2034 Yes -it is my Honey Do List. 1.1978 0.04996 91 76 12 3
2035 The Capitalist-in-Chief ordered me to display the receipt alongside my trident pin. 1.1978 0.05234 91 77 10 4
2036 The receipt takes a couple of minutes to print. 1.1978 0.04480 91 74 16 1
2037 No Ma'am this is not a grocery list 1.1978 0.04745 91 75 14 2
2038 And this one... this is a list of all my fellow soldiers I wished I could kill. 1.1978 0.05463 91 78 8 5
2039 Admiral CVS, is it? 1.1978 0.05682 91 79 6 6
2040 Buy a dozen F-15’s and you get to fill them up with gas. 1.1978 0.05234 91 77 10 4
2041 I was rather strictly reminded of which oath takes precedence. 1.1978 0.04996 91 76 12 3
2042 I's more cost efficient to just make a printout.... 1.1978 0.04996 91 76 12 3
2043 That's my CVS Special Forces Medal 1.1978 0.04996 91 76 12 3
2044 Are you implying I should pick up the check? 1.1978 0.04745 91 75 14 2
2045 It stands for 'Courage, Valor, Service'. 1.1978 0.04480 91 74 16 1
2046 It's my bill of rights 1.1978 0.05463 91 78 8 5
2047 Walmart was a just war. 1.1978 0.04996 91 76 12 3
2048 Oh! Three more confirmed kills for a free lip balm! 1.1978 0.04996 91 76 12 3
2049 It's always about him. 1.1978 0.04745 91 75 14 2
2050 I see you are very proud of your divorce settlement. 1.1978 0.05463 91 78 8 5
2051 Trust me...I'm courageous, honorific, strategic, eccentric...purple, silver, bronze...everything except "married." 1.1978 0.04996 91 76 12 3
2052 Yes, I'm also a decorated holiday shopping veteran. 1.1978 0.05234 91 77 10 4
2053 War. It’s complicated. Why don’t we get outta here and I’ll give you the details? 1.1978 0.04996 91 76 12 3
2054 That's nothing, Sir. I've seen CVS receipts longer than that 1.1978 0.04745 91 75 14 2
2055 This Administration medals with price tags 1.1978 0.04745 91 75 14 2
2056 There are coupons on the back. 1.1978 0.04480 91 74 16 1
2057 You mean you killed all those people? 1.1978 0.05463 91 78 8 5
2058 Service-related tweets. 1.1978 0.04996 91 76 12 3
2059 That ones for milking the government above and beyond the call of duty. 1.1978 0.04996 91 76 12 3
2060 Bribes paid 1.1978 0.04745 91 75 14 2
2061 As you can see by my receipt, I am a very savvy CVS shopper" 1.1978 0.04996 91 76 12 3
2062 That one is a shopping list from my wife 1.1978 0.04996 91 76 12 3
2063 Nowadays, we get more bang for your buck. 1.1978 0.05234 91 77 10 4
2064 That one? It's from CVS. The Council for Veterans Services. 1.1978 0.04996 91 76 12 3
2065 Oh that? No, that's just my dry-cleaning invoice. 1.1978 0.04745 91 75 14 2
2066 It's a list of all the times I charged on the battlefield. 1.1978 0.04745 91 75 14 2
2067 And this ribbon I got fighting in Walmart on Black Friday. 1.1978 0.04745 91 75 14 2
2068 Plus I got free delivery! 1.1978 0.04480 91 74 16 1
2069 I am Loyal. I will NOT testify in my uniform. I do NOT mind micromanagement. ........ ........ 1.1978 0.04745 91 75 14 2
2070 Your tax dollars at work. 1.1978 0.04480 91 74 16 1
2071 That one's for the Black Friday door opening at Walmart. 1.1978 0.04996 91 76 12 3
2072 It's for distinguished service in the CVS campaign. 1.1978 0.04996 91 76 12 3
2073 The strange thing is that when anybody pulls on it, it keeps unreeling 1.1978 0.04745 91 75 14 2
2074 It's my "to do" list from the Commander in Chief. . . No, it's not from the President. 1.1978 0.04996 91 76 12 3
2075 Don't tell anyone -- it's just a Duane Reade receipt. 1.1978 0.04996 91 76 12 3
2076 Typewriter ribbon. Why? 1.1978 0.05463 91 78 8 5
2077 You're not just brave, you're expensive! 1.1978 0.04745 91 75 14 2
2078 The Congressional Medal of Honor, the Distinguished Service Cross, the Silver Star Medal and the shopping list I fulfilled completely accurately on the very first try, 14 years ago. 1.1978 0.04745 91 75 14 2
2079 Purple heart prose. 1.1978 0.05234 91 77 10 4
2080 Oh, it's just a very incomplete list of the regime-change wars I've supported. 1.1978 0.04745 91 75 14 2
2081 Yes, my dry cleaning bills are astounding. 1.1978 0.04745 91 75 14 2
2082 This is the receipt I got for my service. 1.1978 0.04745 91 75 14 2
2083 Promo codes, straight up through the ranks... 1.1978 0.04996 91 76 12 3
2084 Receipts, in case the president tries to fire me. 1.1978 0.04745 91 75 14 2
2085 It's a running tab of public schools who's federal funding was re-pruposed to pay for my retirement. 1.1978 0.05234 91 77 10 4
2086 It's for 'Meritorious Expenditures Beyond the Call of Duty'. 1.1978 0.04996 91 76 12 3
2087 I awarded myself that one for doing the grocery shopping last week. 1.1978 0.04996 91 76 12 3
2088 Oh that? That’s my personal iStenographer. 1.1978 0.04745 91 75 14 2
2089 Yes, indeed. It represents Amazon Prime 1.1954 0.05128 87 73 11 3
2090 Going to CVS was my personal Vietnam. 1.1932 0.04810 88 73 13 2
2091 It was for creating red tape at the Pentagon. 1.1932 0.04531 88 72 15 1
2092 That one came with some special caveats agreed to by my attorneys. 1.1932 0.04810 88 73 13 2
2093 Would you like your receipt? 1.1932 0.04233 88 71 17 0
2094 Oh, you mean my list of achievements. 1.1932 0.04810 88 73 13 2
2095 What you don't understand dear girl is that I just saved 287 dollars at Grocery Outlet. 1.1932 0.04810 88 73 13 2
2096 My attorney advised me to. 1.1932 0.05566 88 76 7 5
2097 You put um’ in your cart and before you know it 1.1932 0.04810 88 73 13 2
2098 Its' the cost of my arm.....and a leg. 1.1932 0.05075 88 74 11 3
2099 I hesitate to tell you where the ATM is! 1.1932 0.04810 88 73 13 2
2100 They’re naming opportunities ma’am. At your giving level you could name one tank or four grenade launchers. 1.1932 0.04810 88 73 13 2
2101 ...and I got this one for saving 51% off everyday retail prices. 1.1932 0.05075 88 74 11 3
2102 Do you get to name the new countries? 1.1932 0.04810 88 73 13 2
2103 I lost a lot of good men to that BOGO 1.1932 0.05075 88 74 11 3
2104 If I keep all the tags, I can return it. 1.1932 0.05075 88 74 11 3
2105 It’s a new, sponsored award for courage, values, and service. 1.1932 0.05075 88 74 11 3
2106 I fought in two wars but distinguished myself in procurements. 1.1932 0.04810 88 73 13 2
2107 This way I can still deny it for 48 hours. 1.1932 0.04810 88 73 13 2
2108 That one's for my tour of duty at the supermarket." 1.1932 0.05075 88 74 11 3
2109 General Giuliani, I presume? 1.1932 0.05326 88 75 9 4
2110 What's this ticket for? 1.1932 0.04810 88 73 13 2
2111 That's just the price I had to pay for all these medals. 1.1932 0.05326 88 75 9 4
2112 It includes my honorable mentions. 1.1932 0.04810 88 73 13 2
2113 It's for waiting in the checkout line at CVS 1.1932 0.05075 88 74 11 3
2114 Logistical Ribbon of Honor. 1.1932 0.05075 88 74 11 3
2115 iI that your dance card? Or, a list of who to stop from testifying? 1.1932 0.04810 88 73 13 2
2116 I notice you shop at "Armor All", too. 1.1932 0.05075 88 74 11 3
2117 It's for my Walmart campaign. 1.1932 0.03562 88 74 13 1
2118 It's for heading a big ticket procurement. 1.1932 0.04531 88 72 15 1
2119 More medals would ruin the drape of the uniform 1.1932 0.04531 88 72 15 1
2120 And this one is for ignoring trump's lies. 1.1932 0.04810 88 73 13 2
2121 It was the siege of CVS. 1.1932 0.05075 88 74 11 3
2122 Your looking at my chest gives me a chance to look at YOUR chest. 1.1932 0.05326 88 75 9 4
2123 I stopped at CVS on the way. 1.1932 0.04810 88 73 13 2
2124 Great nations need great bookkeepers. 1.1932 0.04531 88 72 15 1
2125 I find it is easier than updating myself on FaceBook. 1.1932 0.05075 88 74 11 3
2126 It's just a running tab, in case this doesn't work out. 1.1932 0.05075 88 74 11 3
2127 That one's for bravery during Black Friday. 1.1932 0.05566 88 76 7 5
2128 Yes, I come from good stock. 1.1932 0.04810 88 73 13 2
2129 Yes, in spite of appearances, I'm more popular than you might think, so it will be a long wait before we can Cha Cha Cha. 1.1932 0.05075 88 74 11 3
2130 And this is just the cost of the last day in Syria. 1.1932 0.05326 88 75 9 4
2131 That one's a Get out of Trouble Free card, courtesy of the Commander-in-Chief. 1.1860 0.05363 86 74 8 4
2132 The printout is in case we lose our Twitter feed. 1.1860 0.04826 86 72 12 2
2133 I'm highly decorated with red flags. 1.1860 0.05101 86 73 10 3
2134 And right below, that's the current administration's Order of the Rap Sheet 1.1860 0.05101 86 73 10 3
2135 I got this one for winning the budget battle with Congress. 1.1860 0.05101 86 73 10 3
2136 They're approved talking points for civilians...prepare to engage. 1.1860 0.04826 86 72 12 2
2137 It's my Honor Roll of Congressional Hearings 1.1860 0.05101 86 73 10 3
2138 I may exchange it for a purple kidney if I need one. 1.1860 0.04533 86 71 14 1
2139 It's the Receipt of Honor for buying beers for the base. 1.1860 0.04826 86 72 12 2
2140 I got it for putting the toilet paper roll on correctly. 1.1860 0.04826 86 72 12 2
2141 They told me I'd pay a price 1.1860 0.04826 86 72 12 2
2142 I survived Black Friday 1.1860 0.04826 86 72 12 2
2143 No, that's not my Naval record. It is my best golf score card. I birdied 16 out of 18 holes. 1.1860 0.04533 86 71 14 1
2144 The heaviest hand to hand combat was Macy's Black Friday. 1.1860 0.03513 86 73 12 1
2145 My commendations are still being tabulated. 1.1860 0.04533 86 71 14 1
2146 It's my shopping list. Drones, tanks, missiles--you know, the cool stuff. 1.1860 0.04221 86 75 8 3
2147 It’s the paperwork—name, date, service number and color code. 1.1860 0.04533 86 71 14 1
2148 That one's for surviving Black Friday. 1.1860 0.04826 86 72 12 2
2149 I'm saving all the dirt for my upcoming book, "Courage." 1.1860 0.04533 86 71 14 1
2150 You could call it my chest enhancement. 1.1860 0.04826 86 72 12 2
2151 ...and those are for my other duties at Ralph's grocery chain 1.1860 0.05363 86 74 8 4
2152 They ran out of ribbons 1.1860 0.04826 86 72 12 2
2153 We defended a CVS... 1.1860 0.05101 86 73 10 3
2154 I’m in purchasing so the other two copies are at the pentagon. 1.1860 0.04533 86 71 14 1
2155 You saved 10 billion on invasion and 20 billion on weapons and don't forget your receipt for 10 cents off a gallon of gas. Thank you for shopping the United State of America. 1.1860 0.04533 86 71 14 1
2156 We stopped at CVS on the way too. 1.1860 0.04826 86 72 12 2
2157 For my active time at Trader Joes. 1.1860 0.04533 86 71 14 1
2158 And I was awarded this one for shopping at Costco on the day before Thanksgiving. 1.1860 0.04533 86 71 14 1
2159 It's a Black Friday shopping receipt - roughest assignment I ever got. 1.1860 0.04533 86 71 14 1
2160 Yes, indeed, you and all women are equal to men, and it would be my honor to add you to my list. 1.1860 0.04380 86 73 11 2
2161 I served five long years as the Chief Accounting Officer. 1.1860 0.05101 86 73 10 3
2162 This is what happens if we refuse to accept cookies. 1.1860 0.05101 86 73 10 3
2163 My Ernie Pyles are hurting. 1.1860 0.05363 86 74 8 4
2164 Oh, that one's for managing the base Exchange. 1.1860 0.05101 86 73 10 3
2165 I'm not a Billionaire!" 1.1860 0.05101 86 73 10 3
2166 It's the bill for my lunch with the President... 1.1860 0.05363 86 74 8 4
2167 It's for the time I shopped, with valor, at CVS. 1.1860 0.04826 86 72 12 2
2168 The metals are for various foreign military campaigns I was in. The paper is for the list of Trump officials I battled over releasing military aid to Ukraine. 1.1860 0.04826 86 72 12 2
2169 I’ve always prefer fighting à la carte 1.1860 0.05101 86 73 10 3
2170 Unfortunately, it's my wife's Black Friday shopping list reminder. 1.1860 0.05101 86 73 10 3
2171 Just since I started buying my medals at CVS. 1.1860 0.04826 86 72 12 2
2172 Hold on, I think I need a new roll. 1.1860 0.04533 86 71 14 1
2173 It’s for courage at the check-out line. 1.1860 0.04826 86 72 12 2
2174 I got cashiered but they let me keep the uniform. 1.1860 0.04826 86 72 12 2
2175 For a CVS receipt, it's not very long. 1.1860 0.05101 86 73 10 3
2176 A list of groceries to bring home to the Commander-in-Chief 1.1860 0.04533 86 71 14 1
2177 'My citation in Ukrainian with a medal pending' 1.1860 0.05363 86 74 8 4
2178 You are a costly waiter! 1.1860 0.04826 86 72 12 2
2179 It's the new "digital souvenir" recognition program. No metals, but you can print the receipt. 1.1860 0.05101 86 73 10 3
2180 It's the Whole Foods Citation of Valor 1.1860 0.04826 86 72 12 2
2181 C-ommander, V-ice S-ergeant. How did you guess? 1.1860 0.05101 86 73 10 3
2182 It’s the receipt from my last campaign. 1.1860 0.05363 86 74 8 4
2183 Are you sure you'll have a job when they bring back all our troops from overseas? 1.1860 0.04826 86 72 12 2
2184 It saves having to recite my commendations when people ask. 1.1860 0.04533 86 71 14 1
2185 It's okay - they've started making them without BPA 1.1860 0.05101 86 73 10 3
2186 And that there is the wife's shopping list. 1.1860 0.04826 86 72 12 2
2187 I refuse to retire until I complete the set. 1.1860 0.05363 86 74 8 4
2188 You're reading that correctly. I'm in the public sector of the NCVS. 1.1860 0.04826 86 72 12 2
2189 That’s for the wine and this conversation. 1.1860 0.04533 86 71 14 1
2190 That one's for surviving the horror of black Friday. 1.1860 0.05101 86 73 10 3
2191 Oh honey, a hero's return never requires a receipt. 1.1860 0.04826 86 72 12 2
2192 I’m afraid that was after I was cashiered. 1.1860 0.04826 86 72 12 2
2193 They are the new Banksy medals; they keep a running tab of the cost of operations. 1.1860 0.04826 86 72 12 2
2194 It's my list of approved titles with which you may address me. 1.1860 0.05363 86 74 8 4
2195 Those are all the anti-military executive orders I've survived. 1.1860 0.04826 86 72 12 2
2196 I’m a veteran of pharmacy wars. 1.1860 0.05101 86 73 10 3
2197 Yes, I am an ATM 1.1860 0.04826 86 72 12 2
2198 I work for CVS now. 1.1860 0.04826 86 72 12 2
2199 You ain't seen nothing yet--wait 'till I blow the whistle ! 1.1860 0.05101 86 73 10 3
2200 I served in Afghanistan, Iraq, and CVS. 1.1860 0.04826 86 72 12 2
2201 What did you have to do to earn that receipt? 1.1860 0.04826 86 72 12 2
2202 Is that the list of times you had to force yourself not to write a tell-all book? 1.1860 0.05101 86 73 10 3
2203 It's for my service checking people out at Costco 1.1860 0.05101 86 73 10 3
2204 These days you just have to document everything. 1.1860 0.04221 86 70 16 0
2205 It's printing a receipt of all the war crimes your donations helped paid for. 1.1860 0.04826 86 72 12 2
2206 It was in the same aisle as the bone spurs medication. 1.1860 0.05363 86 74 8 4
2207 Oh that one is just a receipt from Black Friday. It was quite a battle. 1.1860 0.04826 86 72 12 2
2208 The President promised to pardon me for my unpaid tab. 1.1860 0.04826 86 72 12 2
2209 I earned that one by surviving Black Friday guarding a Big Box Store! 1.1860 0.05363 86 74 8 4
2210 It’s for the ‘13 Black Friday op at CVS. 1.1860 0.05101 86 73 10 3
2211 2 Ply Decoration earned at the Battle of the Outhouse 1.1860 0.04826 86 72 12 2
2212 My is that the check wait no it's Americas war bill 1.1860 0.04826 86 72 12 2
2213 They called my battalion the Fighting CVS's. 1.1860 0.05101 86 73 10 3
2214 No, it's an actual list of my laundry. 1.1839 0.05047 87 74 10 3
2215 I see you were served. How long were you at the front of the lines? 1.1807 0.04582 83 69 13 1
2216 I was also captain of my little league team. 1.1807 0.04582 83 69 13 1
2217 You act like you've never seen a grocery store receipt before? 1.1807 0.04892 83 70 11 2
2218 Saves you the trouble of using a bar code reader 1.1807 0.04892 83 70 11 2
2219 They make us wear our war crimes now,too. 1.1807 0.04892 83 70 11 2
2220 Where are the coupons? 1.1807 0.04892 83 70 11 2
2221 Let's try this, it's brand new... Hey Google, list the ingredients for a Shanghai Cocktail. 1.1807 0.04419 83 71 10 2
2222 You wouldn't believe the paperwork that goes with the perks. 1.1807 0.04892 83 70 11 2
2223 Valor ain't cheap. 1.1807 0.05184 83 71 9 3
2224 I am an enlisted man. 1.1807 0.05184 83 71 9 3
2225 Oh, I got this one at CVS. 1.1807 0.04892 83 70 11 2
2226 When you said you were being honored by CVS, I thought you were referring to the Company of Veteran Soldiers. 1.1807 0.05184 83 71 9 3
2227 The future war decorations are on consignment until we can get Google and that Facebook kid back in power." 1.1807 0.05184 83 71 9 3
2228 That last one's for the best ever check out at Walmart. 1.1807 0.04892 83 70 11 2
2229 It's part of the new austerity program. 1.1807 0.04892 83 70 11 2
2230 That one was for my heroism at a CVS. 1.1807 0.04892 83 70 11 2
2231 I don't leave home without it. 1.1807 0.05184 83 71 9 3
2232 I brought the receipts. 1.1807 0.05184 83 71 9 3
2233 What's the pink one with the little heart? 1.1807 0.04892 83 70 11 2
2234 My wife is a 5 star general.... she gave me the list of weapons to procure 1.1807 0.05460 83 72 7 4
2235 I served at a CVS for three minutes. 1.1807 0.05184 83 71 9 3
2236 I thought I would show off your Bloomingdale's receipt! 1.1807 0.04249 83 68 15 0
2237 It's for note taking on a telephone call when the doofus sitting next to me was making the call. 1.1807 0.04892 83 70 11 2
2238 My wife insists I wear my to do list with honor. 1.1807 0.05184 83 71 9 3
2239 Grrr...now speaking to Number 62. Ten-hut! 1.1807 0.05184 83 71 9 3
2240 I don't like to talk about my medals. 1.1807 0.04249 83 68 15 0
2241 It’s a readout of my heroic deeds. 1.1807 0.04582 83 69 13 1
2242 Yes it's my CVS receipt. Your point? 1.1807 0.05184 83 71 9 3
2243 And I bought everything on that grocery list for only $38.72. 1.1807 0.05184 83 71 9 3
2244 It’s the sales receipt from the PX. 1.1807 0.04892 83 70 11 2
2245 It’s quite an honor roll you’ve got there, General. 1.1807 0.04892 83 70 11 2
2246 My accountant said I should keep all of my receipts. 1.1807 0.04892 83 70 11 2
2247 The name is Motors... General Motors. 1.1807 0.04892 83 70 11 2
2248 Patents pending... 1.1807 0.05460 83 72 7 4
2249 Actually, it's my grocery list. 1.1807 0.04582 83 69 13 1
2250 It's your receipt for the tax you paid for national defense. 1.1807 0.05184 83 71 9 3
2251 Think the Rooskies have a pocket fax? I think not. 1.1807 0.04582 83 69 13 1
2252 The DMZ? No, this is from my service in the CVS. 1.1807 0.05184 83 71 9 3
2253 On the back there are coupons for more medals! 1.1807 0.04582 83 69 13 1
2254 I got a taste of real combat during my CVS deployment. 1.1807 0.04892 83 70 11 2
2255 Honey? Why do you have 25 cans of whipped cream on our shopping list? 1.1807 0.05460 83 72 7 4
2256 I received this for bravery at the Battle of CVS 1.1807 0.05184 83 71 9 3
2257 Because I was good for goodness' sake. Also, he sees you when you're sleeping. 1.1807 0.05184 83 71 9 3
2258 We called it Black Friday... I saved my platoon... an awful lot of money. 1.1807 0.04892 83 70 11 2
2259 I'm programmed to keep my eyes on your face but my hard drive is in the gutter. Whir-r-r-r. Click. 1.1807 0.03888 83 72 9 2
2260 And at this point we're ready for a ticker-tape parade. 1.1807 0.04582 83 69 13 1
2261 It's a new Trump accountability directive for monitoring all military personnel.... 1.1807 0.04582 83 69 13 1
2262 Battle of Walmart Friday 2018, We came we saw we got a flat screen 1.1807 0.04249 83 68 15 0
2263 I think there is a whistle blower in your pocket. 1.1807 0.04892 83 70 11 2
2264 That one's for valor at CVS. 1.1807 0.04892 83 70 11 2
2265 I oversee finger food. That's an order. 1.1807 0.04582 83 69 13 1
2266 NO, THAT'S MY RECEIPT FROM COSTCO. 1.1807 0.05184 83 71 9 3
2267 It is General Motors 1.1807 0.04582 83 69 13 1
2268 ...my son wears his allergies on a dog tag." 1.1807 0.04582 83 69 13 1
2269 That was for my first tour dining with civilians. 1.1807 0.04892 83 70 11 2
2270 ''I'ts my to do list badge. Not many people get it.'' 1.1807 0.04892 83 70 11 2
2271 Oh, that? I got that for saving big bucks on Cyber Monday. 1.1807 0.05460 83 72 7 4
2272 So much courage, so much cash. 1.1807 0.05460 83 72 7 4
2273 I'm decorated, but at the last minute. 1.1807 0.04249 83 68 15 0
2274 Did the president give you that ticket? 1.1807 0.04582 83 69 13 1
2275 Yes, I realize it's not like the others. What do you want, a medal? 1.1807 0.05460 83 72 7 4
2276 It's for bravery at the PX. 1.1807 0.04582 83 69 13 1
2277 Er, no, Military conquests 1.1807 0.05184 83 71 9 3
2278 It’s a cheat sheet for my deposition. 1.1807 0.05184 83 71 9 3
2279 That's a special commendation for privatizing the armed forces. 1.1807 0.05184 83 71 9 3
2280 He wants everyone to know how the stock market is doing. 1.1807 0.04892 83 70 11 2
2281 That's what I charge for appearing on talk shows and commenting on the US military strategy in the Middle East 1.1807 0.05184 83 71 9 3
2282 We all pay for our awards in one way or another. 1.1807 0.05184 83 71 9 3
2283 Is that instead of a ticker-tape parade? 1.1807 0.05460 83 72 7 4
2284 '"Note from your mommy? 1.1807 0.04892 83 70 11 2
2285 I got the last one for shopping on Black Friday. 1.1807 0.05184 83 71 9 3
2286 The long one? It’s for surviving Black Friday shopping at the mall. 1.1807 0.04892 83 70 11 2
2287 I stopped at CVS. 1.1807 0.05184 83 71 9 3
2288 That ribbon is for my 'Personal Grudges' . 1.1807 0.04419 83 71 10 2
2289 Yes, I shop at CVS, and I'm proud of it 1.1807 0.05460 83 72 7 4
2290 ""Modern military security. I'm in constant communication with the Commander-in-Chief, but Tweeted orders can't be overheard." 1.1807 0.04582 83 69 13 1
2291 That one was from a battle of CVS in 1982." 1.1807 0.05184 83 71 9 3
2292 I have long service as a desk jockey 1.1807 0.05460 83 72 7 4
2293 No, that's not my wife's grocery list. Elizabeth Shaw San Francisco, CA 1.1807 0.05184 83 71 9 3
2294 My wife says extreme couponing is a better use of my time. 1.1807 0.04892 83 70 11 2
2295 Grocery list. 1.1807 0.04582 83 69 13 1
2296 Hmmm, impressive list of wives. 1.1807 0.04892 83 70 11 2
2297 And I got this for braving the checkout line at Whole Foods. 1.1807 0.04582 83 69 13 1
2298 My Commander-in-Chief wears his on his shoe. 1.1807 0.04582 83 69 13 1
2299 Oh I just found this at a thrift store. 1.1807 0.04892 83 70 11 2
2300 That’s my Shopping List of Honor, take a look. 1.1807 0.05184 83 71 9 3
2301 Oh, that's the receipt from the PX. 1.1807 0.05184 83 71 9 3
2302 It's my Rite-Aid receipt. My wife said to return the Viagra. 1.1807 0.04582 83 69 13 1
2303 No but I got some great deals on Black Friday and wanted to show those off too. 1.1807 0.05184 83 71 9 3
2304 I see you served in the CVS division. 1.1807 0.05184 83 71 9 3
2305 And that one was for the ‘Battle of the 10 Items or Less Line.’ 1.1807 0.05184 83 71 9 3
2306 It says "Survived Hillary's disaster in Benghazi" 1.1807 0.05460 83 72 7 4
2307 The 3D printer was broken. 1.1807 0.04892 83 70 11 2
2308 I enlisted. 1.1807 0.04892 83 70 11 2
2309 "It's a list of the medals I've given to myself." 1.1807 0.04582 83 69 13 1
2310 Just the President's grocery list, ma'am. 1.1807 0.05184 83 71 9 3
2311 Covert op at CVS. 1.1807 0.04892 83 70 11 2
2312 after 30 days I can be returned for a new one. 1.1807 0.04892 83 70 11 2
2313 Oh that’s just a gift receipt. I might exchange the tank for a cheeky bottle of single malt. 1.1807 0.05184 83 71 9 3
2314 CVS or did you come with the receipts? 1.1807 0.05460 83 72 7 4
2315 I had to run to CVS before the party. 1.1807 0.04892 83 70 11 2
2316 ...for my Amazon orders during Black Friday campaign of 2013. 1.1807 0.04892 83 70 11 2
2317 We lost a lot of good men in the war on poverty. 1.1807 0.05460 83 72 7 4
2318 Are you tax deductible? 1.1807 0.04582 83 69 13 1
2319 It's a list of disclaimers about the people I served under. 1.1807 0.04892 83 70 11 2
2320 That’s for serving in the trade war with China. 1.1807 0.05184 83 71 9 3
2321 That one I got for shopping at CVS. 1.1807 0.05460 83 72 7 4
2322 You really need to work on cutting the budget. 1.1786 0.04838 84 71 11 2
2323 Calories in, red tape out. 1.1786 0.04532 84 70 13 1
2324 I'm color-blind. This is how I keep track of which war they came from. 1.1786 0.04838 84 71 11 2
2325 There are a lot of disclaimers on the ones from Syria. 1.1750 0.04960 80 68 10 2
2326 Yes ma’am, it was in recognition of exceptional defense spending on Black Friday. 1.1750 0.05270 80 69 8 3
2327 And what’s your email address? 1.1750 0.04960 80 68 10 2
2328 No, Mam, it is not a Costco receipt! 1.1750 0.05270 80 69 8 3
2329 I'm not on LinkedIn. 1.1750 0.04960 80 68 10 2
2330 Why yes I shop at CVS." 1.1750 0.04960 80 68 10 2
2331 That one's from the war on taxes. 1.1750 0.05270 80 69 8 3
2332 That's for 'valor exceeding the call of a duty at a Publix self-checkout.' 1.1750 0.04960 80 68 10 2
2333 Oh I see you are still shopping at CVS, General . 1.1750 0.04960 80 68 10 2
2334 I see you were at the General store. 1.1750 0.05270 80 69 8 3
2335 Got this one in '72 for deploying my first tactical sonnet. 1.1750 0.04960 80 68 10 2
2336 I need to show this receipt every time I leave the Pentagon 1.1750 0.04630 80 67 12 1
2337 I was stationed in Istanbul. It’s the Order of Turkey and Fixin’s. 1.1750 0.05270 80 69 8 3
2338 And this last one, I was awarded with at a banquet, during my recent trip to the White House . . . 1.1750 0.04630 80 67 12 1
2339 Is that the President's "What to say list." ? 1.1750 0.05270 80 69 8 3
2340 Yes, I served in the takeover of Whole Foods. 1.1750 0.05270 80 69 8 3
2341 That's for 16 months in CVS. 1.1750 0.05270 80 69 8 3
2342 It’s a CVS receipt for the boss’ bone spur pads.” 1.1750 0.04630 80 67 12 1
2343 You must head the ticker tape parade 1.1750 0.04960 80 68 10 2
2344 Dry cleaning instructions. 1.1750 0.04630 80 67 12 1
2345 CVS Security 1.1750 0.04960 80 68 10 2
2346 A lot of good savings were applied that day. 1.1750 0.04960 80 68 10 2
2347 Yes I am a robot, yes I am a robot, yes I am a robot, yes I am a robot." 1.1750 0.04630 80 67 12 1
2348 It's CVS's highest honor. 1.1750 0.04275 80 66 14 0
2349 Oooh, are you a true flag officer? 1.1750 0.04960 80 68 10 2
2350 I’m a veteran of two foreign wars and a dozen Black Friday’s. 1.1750 0.04275 80 66 14 0
2351 The cost of service, obviously. 1.1750 0.04960 80 68 10 2
2352 I know the ribbons are for your heroism. Is the list for your demerits? 1.1750 0.04960 80 68 10 2
2353 When it finishes printing, we'll get our coup on. 1.1750 0.05562 80 70 6 4
2354 The Pentagon always holds highly decorated holiday parties. 1.1750 0.04086 80 68 11 1
2355 No, that's not a ribbon. It's my wife's shopping list. 1.1750 0.04960 80 68 10 2
2356 It was Black Friday of '08, my squad cleared a CVS parking lot. 1.1750 0.04630 80 67 12 1
2357 I also moonlight as a cash register. 1.1750 0.05270 80 69 8 3
2358 I got that one for guarding the last CVS in Kandahar. 1.1750 0.04630 80 67 12 1
2359 Oh that? That’s the Gene Simmons medal. 1.1750 0.04630 80 67 12 1
2360 I stand by my indictments. 1.1750 0.04960 80 68 10 2
2361 No, I'm the Executive chief petty officer. 1.1750 0.04630 80 67 12 1
2362 Is this the list of all the people you had fucked to get to the general? 1.1750 0.05562 80 70 6 4
2363 It's like mattresses, you're really not supposed to remove the tag. 1.1750 0.05270 80 69 8 3
2364 Due to military cut-backs and the need to generate fees, this is your invoice for our ten minutes of "small talk". 1.1750 0.04275 80 66 14 0
2365 Costco 1.1750 0.05270 80 69 8 3
2366 Just match the bar to the description. Trust me, it's easier this way... 1.1750 0.04960 80 68 10 2
2367 Does that just happen with every military purchase? 1.1750 0.04275 80 66 14 0
2368 It keeps up with my drinks before I fly. 1.1750 0.04960 80 68 10 2
2369 This uniform came with a 30 day return policy 1.1750 0.04960 80 68 10 2
2370 My tweet orders require me to get your phone number. 1.1750 0.04960 80 68 10 2
2371 Epstein didn't kill himself. 1.1750 0.04960 80 68 10 2
2372 "That's quite a to do list. 1.1750 0.05270 80 69 8 3
2373 That one's for running the best PX on the east coast. 1.1750 0.04630 80 67 12 1
2374 It certifies my Chest Salad is organic. 1.1750 0.05270 80 69 8 3
2375 Nam, Afghanistan, and Black Friday. 1.1750 0.04630 80 67 12 1
2376 Trump calls it our Duty Brief, but it's just a list of his pardons. 1.1750 0.04630 80 67 12 1
2377 Yeah, we are working out the bugs from the system we bought from CVS. 1.1750 0.05562 80 70 6 4
2378 Is that an itemized receipt for what would you pay for me to stay by your side? 1.1750 0.04630 80 67 12 1
2379 And, how was your .. uh .. third tour in Kandahar?" 1.1750 0.04960 80 68 10 2
2380 Because I loathe explaining what each one is for, and there's no medal for doing so. 1.1750 0.04960 80 68 10 2
2381 What do you want, a medal? 1.1750 0.04960 80 68 10 2
2382 Damn! More orders. 1.1750 0.04630 80 67 12 1
2383 Yes, a ticker tape of my accomplishments. 1.1750 0.04630 80 67 12 1
2384 I stopped at CVS on the way here. 1.1750 0.04960 80 68 10 2
2385 Impressive order! 1.1750 0.05270 80 69 8 3
2386 Please take your receipt. 1.1750 0.04630 80 67 12 1
2387 The new policy requires we show the receipt. 1.1750 0.04630 80 67 12 1
2388 The Army owns me. That's their receipt. 1.1750 0.04630 80 67 12 1
2389 It all started with a trophy for showing up for T-Ball. 1.1750 0.04960 80 68 10 2
2390 That one was for meritorious service in the self-checkout line. 1.1750 0.04630 80 67 12 1
2391 It's a detailing of the costs of middle-aged whimsy. 1.1750 0.05270 80 69 8 3
2392 it appears that you have poor posture meanwhile my posture is impeccable 1.1750 0.05270 80 69 8 3
2393 I never know what to do with those CVS receipts 1.1750 0.04960 80 68 10 2
2394 It’s my own personal achievements list. 1.1750 0.05270 80 69 8 3
2395 I was the receipt-ent of the medal of freedom. 1.1750 0.04456 80 69 9 2
2396 It's for best inanimate features. 1.1750 0.04630 80 67 12 1
2397 It’s hard for me to concentrate without looking at your chest. 1.1750 0.04798 80 70 7 3
2398 It's the Agent Orange disclaimer. 1.1750 0.04630 80 67 12 1
2399 ... and this is the one I got for the Battle of Black Friday. 1.1750 0.04960 80 68 10 2
2400 I was wounded at CVS. 1.1750 0.05270 80 69 8 3
2401 Trump International, D.C. 1.1750 0.04960 80 68 10 2
2402 I served in Banksy. 1.1750 0.05270 80 69 8 3
2403 In the current operational environment, it's a force multiplier to have the receipts where they can be readily accessed at a moment's notice. 1.1750 0.04630 80 67 12 1
2404 Each is for a HUGE deal I made. 1.1750 0.05270 80 69 8 3
2405 Transcribe-o-Matic, Jacket Mounted, Congressional. They're issuing these to everybody bird colonel or above. 1.1750 0.04960 80 68 10 2
2406 It's a living! 1.1750 0.05270 80 69 8 3
2407 I got that one for keeping order in the checkout line. 1.1750 0.05270 80 69 8 3
2408 Your Robocop! 1.1750 0.05270 80 69 8 3
2409 It’s my CVS receipt medal. 1.1750 0.04960 80 68 10 2
2410 Those are my bonus points from CVS. I’m proud of them. 1.1750 0.04630 80 67 12 1
2411 New policy, for when the president what’s to exchange us within 30 days 1.1750 0.05562 80 70 6 4
2412 Your slip is showing...how much money you saved the Pentagon, said the president. 1.1750 0.05270 80 69 8 3
2413 It's my signed affidavit that these aren't deepfakes. 1.1750 0.04960 80 68 10 2
2414 Forget about his accomplishments, Look at the size of that bill! 1.1750 0.04630 80 67 12 1
2415 It's my done there done that list. 1.1750 0.04630 80 67 12 1
2416 It’s a Stenographic of our conversation. Court mandated. 1.1728 0.04903 81 69 10 2
2417 As far as we can tell it's Mr Trump's Christmas list. 1.1707 0.04527 82 69 12 1
2418 ee stamoslocosoque 2h mate tanto que puedas berarte de todo lo que -yano Chota iow ve aad @spaincharo 1.1646 0.04568 79 67 11 1
2419 Service ribbon. Willing-CVS-Receipt-Recipient. 1.1646 0.04911 79 68 9 2
2420 I'm the new general manager of CVS. 1.1646 0.05231 79 69 7 3
2421 Lean in a bit and you can read the fine print 1.1646 0.04911 79 68 9 2
2422 It's not what it looks like. And besides, it's a private matter. 1.1646 0.04568 79 67 11 1
2423 No, I’m the Thousand Dollar General. 1.1646 0.05231 79 69 7 3
2424 Why yes, the weather is tolerable. Um... [glances down] Are you reading any good books lately? 1.1646 0.05818 79 71 3 5
2425 Those are only the actual presidential pardons I've received. 1.1646 0.04568 79 67 11 1
2426 A lot of activity can really jam up the ol' ticker. 1.1646 0.04911 79 68 9 2
2427 Be careful, it'll self-destruct in five seconds. 1.1646 0.05231 79 69 7 3
2428 The rest are in my digital data bank 1.1646 0.05231 79 69 7 3
2429 Those are coupons I received for foiling a robbery at my local drugstore. 1.1646 0.05231 79 69 7 3
2430 There's a coupon for the carwash on the back. 1.1646 0.04568 79 67 11 1
2431 They're for heroic service during Desert Storm, Desert Shield, Aghanistan, and at CVS. 1.1646 0.04911 79 68 9 2
2432 Stolen valor, eh? I’ve got the receipt. 1.1646 0.04911 79 68 9 2
2433 Yes. I saved the “receipts” for my badges. 1.1646 0.05231 79 69 7 3
2434 I got that one at CVS. 1.1646 0.05532 79 70 5 4
2435 I got this from the CVS wars 1.1646 0.05532 79 70 5 4
2436 They ran out of ribbons -- at least I got my current balance. 1.1646 0.04911 79 68 9 2
2437 So you fanned the flames of the Me Too movement! 1.1646 0.04568 79 67 11 1
2438 My son is a military man too. Maybe you know him. His name is James Ryan 1.1646 0.04911 79 68 9 2
2439 Yes, madam, I was decorated in the Costco wars 1.1646 0.05231 79 69 7 3
2440 It's just the high cost of being in the military, ma'am. 1.1646 0.04568 79 67 11 1
2441 oh that, it's my wife,the supreme allied commander's grocery list 1.1646 0.04911 79 68 9 2
2442 I have a CVS extra care card. It’s no big deal. 1.1646 0.05231 79 69 7 3
2443 So you bought this wine at CVS? 1.1646 0.05532 79 70 5 4
2444 It was a budget decision. Campaign ribbons or drones. 1.1646 0.04568 79 67 11 1
2445 My wife says the real ones are too stimulating when we dance 1.1646 0.04198 79 66 13 0
2446 It lets me know when we are overbudget. 1.1646 0.04911 79 68 9 2
2447 General, it seems this party is costing you plenty! 1.1646 0.04568 79 67 11 1
2448 "I really can't explain it. It sort of started out in basic training. And my drill sergeant said, 'Well, if it works, don't fix it.'" 1.1646 0.04568 79 67 11 1
2449 Dear, must you advertise your resume under this Administration? 1.1646 0.05231 79 69 7 3
2450 And this one is for being the first person to accept my receipt that day at CVS. 1.1646 0.04911 79 68 9 2
2451 Most returns and refunds ever handled on a Black Friday. 1.1646 0.04911 79 68 9 2
2452 you did order the salad 1.1646 0.04911 79 68 9 2
2453 I'm a proud user of Amazon Prime at Whole Foods. 1.1646 0.04911 79 68 9 2
2454 I did my first tour at CVS. 1.1646 0.05231 79 69 7 3
2455 The army is trying to save on the medals. 1.1646 0.04911 79 68 9 2
2456 We really overran the budget in that campaign 1.1646 0.04198 79 66 13 0
2457 The "Distinguished Personal Service Medal": a list of the kids who bullied me in school and the dates I successfully completed a counteroffensive against each. 1.1646 0.04568 79 67 11 1
2458 It's the bill for this damned soiree. 1.1646 0.04198 79 66 13 0
2459 That one was for the Battle of Walmart, Black Friday 2014 1.1646 0.04911 79 68 9 2
2460 ...and this one is for highest ROI from defense contractors 1.1646 0.04568 79 67 11 1
2461 The Purple Heart is from Afghanistan. Those are for the fights with CVS after their data breach. 1.1646 0.04911 79 68 9 2
2462 I find it hard to keep track of my CVS receipts. 1.1646 0.02503 79 70 8 1
2463 Yes, now, of course, it’s impossible to truly calculate the cost of war. 1.1646 0.04911 79 68 9 2
2464 -- "Is that a Purple Heart in Military Spending?" -- "No, I'm just happy to see you." 1.1646 0.04911 79 68 9 2
2465 That's right! And you'd be absolutely amazed by what I can do with it!! 1.1646 0.05231 79 69 7 3
2466 Do I look like a Never Trumper? 1.1646 0.04198 79 66 13 0
2467 Well if you must know, this was from Colonel Sanders! 1.1646 0.04568 79 67 11 1
2468 It's a new rule. I must show my itemized expenses! 1.1646 0.04568 79 67 11 1
2469 I’m hanging onto the receipt because I’m not sure I’m an aircraft carrier kind of guy. 1.1646 0.04568 79 67 11 1
2470 Look lower. Lower... 1.1646 0.04568 79 67 11 1
2471 ....as a mercenary I'll accept all major credit cards ...No pun intended 1.1646 0.05818 79 71 3 5
2472 Really dirt cheap! Even your favorite hotel would've billed almost treble this..... Cheers! 1.1646 0.04911 79 68 9 2
2473 Oh, this? It's a list of all my cocktail party conquests. 1.1646 0.04568 79 67 11 1
2474 Those battles sure were taxing! 1.1646 0.05231 79 69 7 3
2475 If you think that’s long, wait ‘til you see my tongue. 1.1646 0.04568 79 67 11 1
2476 I served with the CVS Pharmatroopers, ma'am. 1.1646 0.04911 79 68 9 2
2477 This ribbon honors my service in the Big Box Price Wars. 1.1646 0.04911 79 68 9 2
2478 It's my wife's grocery list. She staples it on my jacket ever Thursday so I don't forget....... 1.1646 0.04911 79 68 9 2
2479 And that one gets me 25% off my next visit to CVS 1.1646 0.05231 79 69 7 3
2480 It's a receipt for our arms sales to dictators. 1.1646 0.04911 79 68 9 2
2481 Very expensive, I’ll have you know. 1.1646 0.04911 79 68 9 2
2482 Medal of Costco Valor without complaint 1.1646 0.05231 79 69 7 3
2483 Well, during my tenure at the Pentagon the markups were not that insane. 1.1646 0.04911 79 68 9 2
2484 I got that ribbon at the battle of Safeway. 1.1646 0.04911 79 68 9 2
2485 That one is a Presidential pardon. 1.1646 0.04568 79 67 11 1
2486 You say you got it at CVS? 1.1646 0.04911 79 68 9 2
2487 One Hour Martinizing always puts their receipts there. 1.1646 0.05231 79 69 7 3
2488 It's the description of every medal on my chest. And no, I can't get it off. 1.1646 0.04911 79 68 9 2
2489 I was much too busy getting blown apart in combat and stitched together in hospitals to learn very much about woman. 1.1646 0.05231 79 69 7 3
2490 Did they not have enough space to put all the countries you visited on it? 1.1646 0.04000 79 68 10 1
2491 ...and this one’s for cynically goatroaping young Americans starved of opportunity into oppressing and killing their global peers just to prop up the very oligarchs that cause that starvation. and this one? ah yes, this one’s for believing i'm a hero 1.1646 0.04911 79 68 9 2
2492 Congratulations. Your winning recipe for rhubarb pie is impressive 1.1646 0.05231 79 69 7 3
2493 The paper slip is there to commemorate the charge of the Light Brigade. 1.1646 0.04911 79 68 9 2
2494 Just year it off and read it later. 1.1646 0.05231 79 69 7 3
2495 My leg itches. 1.1646 0.05231 79 69 7 3
2496 It's a receipt for fruit salad. 1.1646 0.05532 79 70 5 4
2497 Now that’s a clever way to remember everyone on your holiday gift list” 1.1646 0.04911 79 68 9 2
2498 I received this one from my tour in CVS. 1.1646 0.04568 79 67 11 1
2499 I don’t mind wearing medals I didn’t earn...I just like to show how much they cost. 1.1646 0.04568 79 67 11 1
2500 I'd rather be stuck in a muddy trench evading enemy fire right now. 1.1646 0.04568 79 67 11 1
2501 It's for my time in the troll world. 1.1646 0.04568 79 67 11 1
2502 Actual ribbons cost a buck each. This is cheap and easy to update. 1.1646 0.05231 79 69 7 3
2503 Please don't forget your receipt, because otherwise we will not take back defective missiles. 1.1646 0.04911 79 68 9 2
2504 Its my twitter ticker tape- I am obliged to micromanage his impulses while recording his thoughts 1.1646 0.05532 79 70 5 4
2505 My, all those women! 1.1646 0.04198 79 66 13 0
2506 Oh, that is the grocery list she put in my pocket, I was actually hoping you will be inquiring after the medals. 1.1646 0.04911 79 68 9 2
2507 Yes, i've been itemized. 1.1646 0.04568 79 67 11 1
2508 It's the highest award for bravery in expense accounting. 1.1646 0.04911 79 68 9 2
2509 I brought a list of my attractive qualities for efficiency. 1.1646 0.04568 79 67 11 1
2510 I'd tell you what they are all for, but then they'd have to kill you. note: I got the last issue late, and I would love to get last week's caption in: "You have quite the inflated alter ego, honey." 1.1646 0.05532 79 70 5 4
2511 Wow! That's almost as long as the one I get at the supermarket! 1.1646 0.04568 79 67 11 1
2512 Yes ma'am, I spent six months stationed at the local CVS. 1.1646 0.04568 79 67 11 1
2513 Take a number: if you get them all right, I’ll buy you another drink. 1.1646 0.04568 79 67 11 1
2514 I was in the front lines at the battle that is Black Friday and managed to save a bundle. 1.1646 0.05231 79 69 7 3
2515 That’s for my excursions into CVS Headquarters! 1.1646 0.04568 79 67 11 1
2516 A good place to keep my CVS coupons 1.1646 0.04568 79 67 11 1
2517 This medal is for binge shopping in Syria while the store was being bombed by Isis . 1.1646 0.05532 79 70 5 4
2518 Refer to the index to satisfy any curiosity you may have about my hardware. 1.1646 0.04198 79 66 13 0
2519 That's for the logistics exchange tour I did at Amazon.. 1.1646 0.04911 79 68 9 2
2520 err,... They ran out of buttons... Also my arm came off... 1.1646 0.04568 79 67 11 1
2521 Can you believe just one tour" 1.1646 0.04198 79 66 13 0
2522 And that’s why I think CVS is in bed with the Industrial Paper Complex! 1.1646 0.04911 79 68 9 2
2523 I wasn't part of the events listed here-- but was first to react on social media 1.1646 0.04911 79 68 9 2
2524 This is how much it cost to get decorated. 1.1646 0.04568 79 67 11 1
2525 I'm decorated and then some. 1.1646 0.04911 79 68 9 2
2526 Ah, so I see you got your jacket at CVS! 1.1646 0.04198 79 66 13 0
2527 It comes in handy in the self checkout line at the Officer's Mess... 1.1646 0.04568 79 67 11 1
2528 That's my receipt showing that I braved the crowds at Costco on Black Friday. 1.1646 0.04911 79 68 9 2
2529 The mission's full name was 'Consumer Very Stupid.' 1.1646 0.04568 79 67 11 1
2530 I’ve always stayed grounded by listing my undone chores with my military decorations. 1.1625 0.04853 80 69 9 2
2531 i got this one for shopping till i dropped 1.1625 0.04516 80 68 11 1
2532 Its only awarded to survivors of Black Friday. 1.1625 0.05467 80 71 5 4
2533 That's for bravery under confusing discounts on Black Friday, 2016. 1.1625 0.04151 80 67 13 0
2534 A list of my war crimes. They're all the rage. 1.1625 0.04516 80 68 11 1
2535 Thanks for noticing. Yes, this is my CVS receipt, which I've added just below my military insignia. 1.1625 0.04853 80 69 9 2
2536 What's to show for 40 years in the military? A place to pin Zelda's shopping list for a late night grocery run. 1.1625 0.05169 80 70 7 3
2537 It’s our “to-do” list. 1.1625 0.04853 80 69 9 2
2538 Yes, I see a list of political favors in exchange for hundreds of millions in foreign military aid. No quid pro quo. 1.1625 0.04853 80 69 9 2
2539 Honestly, I can’t stand people who think they’ve saved money at CVS. 1.1625 0.04853 80 69 9 2
2540 That one? It's for running the CVS outlet in the PX on the Korean DMZ. 1.1625 0.04516 80 68 11 1
2541 I never knew anyone who was decorated for surviving Black Friday ... 1.1625 0.04516 80 68 11 1
2542 It's the laundry list of honors. 1.1625 0.04151 80 67 13 0
2543 It's called the Third Amendment citation, for quartering troops at Trump-owned properties. 1.1625 0.04853 80 69 9 2
2544 You don't have to read the fine print, the medals show just how great I am. 1.1625 0.04516 80 68 11 1
2545 I've been cashiered from the service. 1.1625 0.04853 80 69 9 2
2546 Oh wait! Do they still charge you after all those badges 1.1625 0.04151 80 67 13 0
2547 What's that receipt for? 1.1625 0.04516 80 68 11 1
2548 My first tour of duty was as a CVS checker. 1.1625 0.04516 80 68 11 1
2549 My greatest battle was the Missus to-do list. 1.1625 0.05169 80 70 7 3
2550 No, all these badges are not fake news!" 1.1625 0.04853 80 69 9 2
2551 It's for Shopper of the Year at CVS! 1.1625 0.04853 80 69 9 2
2552 I see you've been cashiered. 1.1600 0.04262 75 63 12 0
2553 No, not USCG -it’s USCVS... 1.1600 0.04665 75 64 10 1
2554 Oh, that reminds me that I have a prescription to pick up at CVS 1.1600 0.04665 75 64 10 1
2555 If my commission is revoked, the president can print another one. 1.1600 0.05037 75 65 8 2
2556 We lost a lot of good men at the Battle of CVS. 1.1600 0.04262 75 63 12 0
2557 Those all of the drinks you bought for other girls?! 1.1600 0.04665 75 64 10 1
2558 Yes, the discounts are already applied. 1.1600 0.04665 75 64 10 1
2559 Aren't you going to the thank me for my service charge? 1.1600 0.04665 75 64 10 1
2560 I don't care if you have a receipt, we can't accept returns on used warheads. 1.1600 0.05708 75 67 4 4
2561 ``On the way home from Afghanistan I stopped at CVS.'' 1.1600 0.04665 75 64 10 1
2562 You do pretty well when CVS is on your side. 1.1600 0.05037 75 65 8 2
2563 This is my ribbon for valor after shopping on “Black Friday.” 1.1600 0.04665 75 64 10 1
2564 I tried magnets for a time, but I have to wear these anyway. 1.1600 0.05383 75 66 6 3
2565 We had to contract out military decorations to CVS. 1.1600 0.05037 75 65 8 2
2566 You guys are only doing non-dairy? 1.1600 0.05037 75 65 8 2
2567 I got that one for defending a CVS. 1.1600 0.04665 75 64 10 1
2568 And right under the service ribbons is my CVS receipt. 1.1600 0.05383 75 66 6 3
2569 Any extra bucks. 1.1600 0.05037 75 65 8 2
2570 It's a honey do list. 1.1600 0.05037 75 65 8 2
2571 I earned it by shopping at CVS. 1.1600 0.05037 75 65 8 2
2572 Yes, from the battle at CVS. 1.1600 0.04665 75 64 10 1
2573 That one is my CVS Loyalty Award. 1.1600 0.04665 75 64 10 1
2574 So you’re the one responsible for the deficit. 1.1600 0.05037 75 65 8 2
2575 Don’t worry. I’m sure Trump will pardon your faux pas. 1.1600 0.05037 75 65 8 2
2576 Haven't you heard of Venmo!? 1.1600 0.04665 75 64 10 1
2577 I got that one shopping at CVS. 1.1600 0.05037 75 65 8 2
2578 Please, You must tell me more about that charge! 1.1600 0.04665 75 64 10 1
2579 It's the only way I could take control of the budget. 1.1600 0.05037 75 65 8 2
2580 It looks like you have some CVS ExtraBucks that are about to expire! 1.1600 0.05037 75 65 8 2
2581 Sgt Major,CVS 1.1600 0.04262 75 63 12 0
2582 We’re now affiliated with CVS. 1.1600 0.04262 75 63 12 0
2583 I got the bottom one at CVS. 1.1600 0.04665 75 64 10 1
2584 And this one here's my 'Typewriter Ribbon'. 1.1600 0.05037 75 65 8 2
2585 I'm most proud of keeping track of my wife's grocery list! 1.1600 0.04665 75 64 10 1
2586 As in "GENERAL" manager of a CVS? 1.1600 0.04665 75 64 10 1
2587 He decided ticker-tape parades are 'too messy.'" 1.1600 0.04665 75 64 10 1
2588 That's my honey-do list. War is hell. 1.1600 0.04665 75 64 10 1
2589 It’s my CVS receipt 1.1600 0.05037 75 65 8 2
2590 I needed a place for my CVS receipts. 1.1600 0.05037 75 65 8 2
2591 I'm protesting the tax on shipping and handling. 1.1600 0.05037 75 65 8 2
2592 After I retired from the Army I was Head of Security for CVS. 1.1600 0.05037 75 65 8 2
2593 Distinguished Service at CVS 1.1600 0.04665 75 64 10 1
2594 War ain't easy. We lost a lot of good men at the Battle of CVS. 1.1600 0.04665 75 64 10 1
2595 It's for expenditures on the field of battle. 1.1600 0.05037 75 65 8 2
2596 I got this medal for shopping at CVS. 1.1600 0.05383 75 66 6 3
2597 Hmm,I think the CVS medal is the most impressive... 1.1600 0.05708 75 67 4 4
2598 That's for buying baby aspirin at CVS. 1.1600 0.05383 75 66 6 3
2599 And they offered you the dry cleaning as well! 1.1600 0.04665 75 64 10 1
2600 It is my medal of door busters. 1.1600 0.05037 75 65 8 2
2601 I got these medals at CVS. 1.1600 0.04665 75 64 10 1
2602 Bragging about your Walmart purchases isn't going to get you laid. 1.1600 0.03816 75 67 6 2
2603 I earned that one at CVS. 1.1600 0.05383 75 66 6 3
2604 It's a list of all the different times I tried to get into the army. 1.1600 0.04468 75 66 7 2
2605 Most army robots look like big ugly metal horses, but you're a real hottie General. 1.1600 0.05037 75 65 8 2
2606 And that's how I defeated the Self-Checkout at Walmart. 1.1600 0.04262 75 63 12 0
2607 It's my rolling bar bill ! 1.1600 0.04665 75 64 10 1
2608 It prints out the conversations I have with politicians. 1.1600 0.05037 75 65 8 2
2609 Did you know that I served in the CVS checkout battalion? 1.1600 0.05037 75 65 8 2
2610 I got that one for liberating a CVS. 1.1600 0.04262 75 63 12 0
2611 I fought at CVS. 1.1600 0.05037 75 65 8 2
2612 ...And I got that one in the Battle of Best Buy. 1.1600 0.05037 75 65 8 2
2613 So what if they got the medals from CVS? That doesn't diminish their value! 1.1600 0.04262 75 63 12 0
2614 Yes, I started at CVS 1.1600 0.05708 75 67 4 4
2615 It looks like you paid price for the cantaloupe. 1.1600 0.05037 75 65 8 2
2616 Walgreen Beret 1.1600 0.05037 75 65 8 2
2617 The General gave me a list of things to pick up on the way back to the base. 1.1600 0.04262 75 63 12 0
2618 And this one is for working at CVS" 1.1600 0.04665 75 64 10 1
2619 That’s just the shopping list my wife pinned on me. 1.1600 0.05708 75 67 4 4
2620 This are the latest bids for my post-retirement lobbying services. I’ll have lot’ of play money! 1.1600 0.05383 75 66 6 3
2621 Honey, that's what happens when you offer drinks to Navy men. 1.1600 0.05708 75 67 4 4
2622 It's like a naughty or nice list, but with demerits. 1.1600 0.05383 75 66 6 3
2623 No. I can’t explain the cost. 1.1600 0.05037 75 65 8 2
2624 I spent 8 years in Guam and only $14 Billion in Iraq. 1.1600 0.04665 75 64 10 1
2625 ...thats right. CVS, Colossal Valor & Strength. 1.1600 0.05037 75 65 8 2
2626 My official title is SHOPPER GENERAL. And yes, I have experience in all aisle 1.1600 0.05037 75 65 8 2
2627 Put your CVS receipt away. No one cares. 1.1600 0.05037 75 65 8 2
2628 I got that last one from CVS. 1.1600 0.05037 75 65 8 2
2629 Insert another dollar and get ten more jokes. 1.1600 0.05383 75 66 6 3
2630 That one's a Distinguished Public Service Medal and Bar Tab 1.1600 0.05037 75 65 8 2
2631 Not a compete list but the JAG says these are acceptable flirts. 1.1600 0.05383 75 66 6 3
2632 I'll give you my tag to draw attention to your breasts. 1.1600 0.05037 75 65 8 2
2633 When did you serve at CVS? 1.1600 0.04665 75 64 10 1
2634 Is that last one “Valor for Shopping at CVS”? 1.1600 0.05037 75 65 8 2
2635 The Bush years were very good for me. 1.1600 0.04262 75 63 12 0
2636 All of my drinks are on the G.I. bill. 1.1600 0.04665 75 64 10 1
2637 Says here you have a coupon for 1 dollar off military products at CVS 1.1600 0.05037 75 65 8 2
2638 That one's for Distinguished Service in CVS. 1.1600 0.04665 75 64 10 1
2639 Yes, that last one was earned at CVS. 1.1600 0.05037 75 65 8 2
2640 As you can see, I can account for the most extravagant expenditures within the defense budget. 1.1600 0.04262 75 63 12 0
2641 You've been to CVS. 1.1600 0.05037 75 65 8 2
2642 It’s my CVS Medal for Civility, Valor, and Service. 1.1600 0.04665 75 64 10 1
2643 Please do NOT tell anyone I was a DEADHEAD in those tumultuous Sixties. 1.1600 0.05383 75 66 6 3
2644 Aw, shucks, it's just an award hardly worth the thermal paper its printed on. 1.1600 0.04665 75 64 10 1
2645 I'm on the board of CVS. 1.1600 0.05037 75 65 8 2
2646 They're the I.O.U.'s. 1.1600 0.05037 75 65 8 2
2647 How would you like to pay your receipt! 1.1600 0.05037 75 65 8 2
2648 CVS? 1.1600 0.04045 75 65 9 1
2649 That from the battle of the CVS receipt. 1.1600 0.05037 75 65 8 2
2650 I was honored by CVS. 1.1600 0.05037 75 65 8 2
2651 I have to get used to retirement first. 1.1600 0.05037 75 65 8 2
2652 ....if Iran does not comply, we may have a military conflict on our hands. 1.1600 0.04045 75 65 9 1
2653 She outranks me. 1.1600 0.05037 75 65 8 2
2654 That's for my rewards points at CVS. 1.1600 0.05383 75 66 6 3
2655 It's my wife's honey do list. 1.1528 0.04706 72 62 9 1
2656 I didn’t email. I fax tit. 1.1528 0.05474 72 64 5 3
2657 My wife presented it; she calls it “The Order of The Purple Shopping List.” 1.1528 0.05104 72 63 7 2
2658 It's the receipt from the dry cleaners. 1.1528 0.04706 72 62 9 1
2659 It's a printout of all the time I've wasted at these ridiculous parties. 1.1528 0.04706 72 62 9 1
2660 Thank you for thanking me for my service. Here’s a receipt. 1.1528 0.05474 72 64 5 3
2661 My darn ticker tape is acting up again. 1.1528 0.05474 72 64 5 3
2662 It's called transparency in military spending. 1.1528 0.04706 72 62 9 1
2663 Oh, I see you're an accountant! 1.1528 0.04706 72 62 9 1
2664 Did you get ExtraBucks with that? 1.1528 0.05821 72 65 3 4
2665 My successful skirmishes. 1.1528 0.04706 72 62 9 1
2666 I've got a coupon for that. 1.1528 0.04270 72 61 11 0
2667 And this printout is last year's nuclear codes. 1.1528 0.05474 72 64 5 3
2668 It’s for passing an accounting class . 1.1528 0.04706 72 62 9 1
2669 Ignore the fine print. 1.1528 0.05104 72 63 7 2
2670 Yes, I worked hard to earn this position through these extensive campaign contributions 1.1528 0.05474 72 64 5 3
2671 It's my receipt...Did you think I actually earned these! 1.1528 0.05104 72 63 7 2
2672 Which of these war stories would you like me to talk about? 1.1528 0.04706 72 62 9 1
2673 It's from the Battle of CVS in the War on Drugs. 1.1528 0.05821 72 65 3 4
2674 No, it's for a battleship. 1.1528 0.05104 72 63 7 2
2675 Contributions to my GoFundMe page just in case my attorney is not acquainted with or related to people with prestige or influence. 1.1528 0.04706 72 62 9 1
2676 ... and those are my war crimes the President has defended on Twitter. 1.1528 0.04706 72 62 9 1
2677 Your register tape says the Bronze Star is $5.99, but the label on the shelf said it's on sale for $3.49. I'd go to customer service to get a refund of the difference if I were you. 1.1528 0.05104 72 63 7 2
2678 Costco closes at 6 today 1.1528 0.04706 72 62 9 1
2679 We wear it on our chests these days. 1.1528 0.05104 72 63 7 2
2680 So your second Purple Heart was 20% off? 1.1528 0.05104 72 63 7 2
2681 You were awarded the congressional medal of accounting 1.1528 0.05104 72 63 7 2
2682 It's a quick synopsis of my life. 1.1528 0.05104 72 63 7 2
2683 It's from my ticker tape parade. 1.1528 0.05104 72 63 7 2
2684 That one’s for my tour of duty shopping with my wife at our discount warehouse club. 1.1528 0.04706 72 62 9 1
2685 Well let’s see, there’s the Medal of Honor, the Distinguished Service Medal, and using coupons I saved $11.50 on groceries this week. 1.1528 0.05104 72 63 7 2
2686 I've been a good boy this year. 1.1528 0.04706 72 62 9 1
2687 Read the transcript. 1.1528 0.05474 72 64 5 3
2688 It's true: I reenlisted. 1.1528 0.05104 72 63 7 2
2689 Oh! It's a medal for surviving my wife's 2018 holiday shopping list. 1.1528 0.04270 72 61 11 0
2690 No m'am, it's not a receipt from Bergdorf Goodman, it's an etcetera from the top guys. 1.1528 0.05474 72 64 5 3
2691 And that one’s for bravery in a CVS greeting card aisle on Valentine’s Day. 1.1528 0.05474 72 64 5 3
2692 Your grocery list ? 1.1528 0.04706 72 62 9 1
2693 If I didn’t know better, I would have thought it was a shopping list. 1.1528 0.04706 72 62 9 1
2694 Veterans Day Sale, 1993. No scented candle was left behind. 1.1528 0.05104 72 63 7 2
2695 We lost a lot of good hammers in that audit. 1.1528 0.05104 72 63 7 2
2696 And that one's for employee of the month. 1.1528 0.05474 72 64 5 3
2697 The Quartermaster General demands receipts for the $3000 screwdrivers. 1.1528 0.05104 72 63 7 2
2698 The battle zones do differ, but the awards are the same. 1.1528 0.05104 72 63 7 2
2699 Too much red tape if you ask me. 1.1528 0.05104 72 63 7 2
2700 Would you like to come upstairs and read my medals? I've got a magnifying bed. 1.1528 0.05474 72 64 5 3
2701 It gives you my polling numbers in the swing states. 1.1528 0.05474 72 64 5 3
2702 It's designed to be endless, of course. 1.1528 0.04706 72 62 9 1
2703 Select a year and it prints a list of honors, awards, promotions etc., etc. 1.1528 0.04706 72 62 9 1
2704 You can add 20% for gratuity. 1.1528 0.04706 72 62 9 1
2705 Yes! They are citations for tweets. 1.1528 0.05474 72 64 5 3
2706 Its your Bar Bill... 1.1528 0.05474 72 64 5 3
2707 It's for valor and bravery in a CVS Pharmacy. 1.1528 0.05474 72 64 5 3
2708 Care to submit the survey? 1.1528 0.04706 72 62 9 1
2709 Petraeus's mooching off me again. 1.1528 0.05104 72 63 7 2
2710 What you're ;looking at is the receipt for getting my face set into a permanent General's scowl. 1.1528 0.05474 72 64 5 3
2711 Yes, I do shop at CVS. Why do you ask? 1.1528 0.05474 72 64 5 3
2712 The PTSD treatment has a very high co-pay 1.1528 0.04270 72 61 11 0
2713 They're my talking points from the White House. 1.1528 0.05104 72 63 7 2
2714 Is that the new portable printer just released by Lapel Print inc. ? 1.1528 0.05104 72 63 7 2
2715 ... for the Battle of Black Friday” 1.1528 0.04706 72 62 9 1
2716 No tip mecessary. 1.1528 0.04706 72 62 9 1
2717 In this administration, I am what's known as an acting Secretary of Defense. 1.1528 0.05104 72 63 7 2
2718 Ohh a bargain 1.1528 0.05104 72 63 7 2
2719 Yes this is the list of all they have been fired. I Can’t keep up. 1.1528 0.05104 72 63 7 2
2720 It’s from the Great Battle of CVS Pharmacy 1.1528 0.05104 72 63 7 2
2721 Not even stripes come free these days! 1.1528 0.05104 72 63 7 2
2722 Have you always been in charge?” 1.1528 0.05104 72 63 7 2
2723 It's the President's shopping list for the War in Iraq 1.1528 0.05474 72 64 5 3
2724 It's the ribbon of human cost. 1.1528 0.05474 72 64 5 3
2725 Wait. I didn't order that. 1.1528 0.04706 72 62 9 1
2726 That one's for saving sixty percent at Kohl's.