These captions are chosen by The New Yorker.
Name | Value |
---|---|
Submission deadline | 2019-07-07T21:07:00.000Z |
Voting started | - |
Voting ended | 2019-07-28T21:10:00.000Z |
Finalists announced | 2019-07-22T21:09:00.000Z |
Magazine(s) announcing finalists issued | July 29, 2019 |
Number of captions | 5931 |
Number of responses | 703078 |
Number of participants | - |
In this table, the "mean" means the empirically measured average funniness score when the "unfunny", "somewhat funny" and "funny" receive a funniness score of 1, 2, 3 respectively. "Precison" is the standard error of the mean, the standard deviation of the mean estimate. With that, a caption with an empirical mean μ and precision σ has true mean in the range [μ - 2σ, μ + 2σ] with 95% probability by the 68-95-99.7 rule assuming the responses are indepedent and identically distributed.
Rank | Caption | Mean | Precision | Total votes | "Unfunny" votes | "Somewhat funny" votes | "Funny" votes |
---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
0 | He went right from crawling to stand-up! | 2.2059 | 0.00766 | 9057 | 1677 | 3843 | 3537 |
1 | Thanks, you've been a great audience, I'll be awake all night. | 2.0819 | 0.00830 | 8624 | 2253 | 3418 | 2953 |
2 | My next guests I have known my entire life. | 2.0427 | 0.00896 | 7145 | 1929 | 2993 | 2223 |
3 | Look, honey! He skipped crawling and went straight to stand-up! | 2.0258 | 0.00884 | 7089 | 1881 | 3146 | 2062 |
4 | I'd like to start off by saying—thanks for having me, folks! | 1.9831 | 0.00873 | 7636 | 2298 | 3174 | 2164 |
5 | America, are you ready for a change? I know I am | 1.9699 | 0.01081 | 5706 | 1992 | 1894 | 1820 |
6 | Let's have a hand for the folks who made this all possible. | 1.9590 | 0.01676 | 2071 | 646 | 864 | 561 |
7 | Thank you, thank you. Don't miss my next show, at 2 AM. | 1.9528 | 0.01038 | 5320 | 1657 | 2257 | 1406 |
8 | ... and also big thanks to those tuning in on the baby monitor. | 1.9289 | 0.00906 | 6859 | 2203 | 2946 | 1710 |
9 | My next number will be a Number Two. | 1.9196 | 0.01015 | 6368 | 2368 | 2145 | 1855 |
10 | Thank you! I’ll be back at 1am, 3am, and 5am! | 1.8897 | 0.01182 | 3970 | 1344 | 1720 | 906 |
11 | He's the only candidate actually calling for a change | 1.8740 | 0.01163 | 4517 | 1701 | 1684 | 1132 |
12 | I love his bedtime routine. | 1.8601 | 0.01151 | 4466 | 1676 | 1739 | 1051 |
13 | 'Thanks, you're a great audience and I'll be here all week and at least until my mid-thirties." | 1.8525 | 0.01740 | 1973 | 756 | 752 | 465 |
14 | Look! He's speaking without crib notes! | 1.8300 | 0.01127 | 4646 | 1833 | 1770 | 1043 |
15 | He went from crawling to stand-up overnight! | 1.8138 | 0.01310 | 3367 | 1345 | 1304 | 718 |
16 | He's got a million listeners and an eight-word vocabulary. FOX News is offering his own series. | 1.7996 | 0.01367 | 3553 | 1607 | 1051 | 895 |
17 | Now we just need to neglect him so he'll have lots of material. | 1.7965 | 0.01488 | 2722 | 1153 | 970 | 599 |
18 | I'd like to thank my producers... | 1.7856 | 0.01335 | 3265 | 1374 | 1217 | 674 |
19 | And another thing. Why do people say, “Last night I slept like a baby”? I guess that’s fine if they woke up screaming and peed the bed. Heh heh...You guys are great. I’m here all week! | 1.7430 | 0.01233 | 3844 | 1744 | 1344 | 756 |
20 | How about a nice round of applause for the couple that lives down the hall. | 1.7413 | 0.01111 | 4383 | 1908 | 1705 | 770 |
21 | Listen, dear, he's learned all the words he needs to be President. | 1.7283 | 0.01234 | 4067 | 1966 | 1242 | 859 |
22 | Maybe we should have played Mozart instead of Sinatra. | 1.7254 | 0.01468 | 2618 | 1196 | 945 | 477 |
23 | The time for a change is now! | 1.7189 | 0.01439 | 2768 | 1291 | 964 | 513 |
24 | He’s really been working on his bedtime routine. | 1.7009 | 0.01201 | 3614 | 1651 | 1396 | 567 |
25 | And now, for the two people who made it all possible... | 1.6837 | 0.01486 | 2254 | 1030 | 907 | 317 |
26 | Did you hear the one about the dirty diaper? Never mind, it stinks. | 1.6833 | 0.01394 | 2839 | 1382 | 977 | 480 |
27 | Well he can't be any less qualified than our current President. | 1.6742 | 0.01443 | 2848 | 1459 | 858 | 531 |
28 | And none of this would have been possible without two very special people. | 1.6701 | 0.02266 | 970 | 454 | 382 | 134 |
29 | I see we have our two regulars here for the late show. | 1.6685 | 0.01409 | 2582 | 1264 | 923 | 395 |
30 | So a thumb-sucker and a bed-wetter walk into a bar... | 1.6618 | 0.01617 | 2070 | 1033 | 706 | 331 |
31 | Look Honey, he's already more articulate than Trump. | 1.6551 | 0.01495 | 2647 | 1397 | 766 | 484 |
32 | Incomplete sentences. Limited vocabulary. Slurred words. Ill-fitting clothes. The military as props in the background. An inauguration-sized crowd. Honey, I think someday our Joey could be the president! | 1.6512 | 0.01613 | 2302 | 1243 | 624 | 435 |
33 | I told you Jerry Seinfeld was a great choice for a sperm donor! | 1.6442 | 0.01700 | 2007 | 1066 | 589 | 352 |
34 | Take my brother. Please. | 1.6388 | 0.02168 | 1196 | 630 | 368 | 198 |
35 | The fake microphone’s a stroke of genius. He’s stopped tweeting! | 1.6277 | 0.02089 | 1351 | 743 | 368 | 240 |
36 | When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother. | 1.6203 | 0.01953 | 1583 | 892 | 400 | 291 |
37 | See I told you he did stand up! | 1.6080 | 0.02081 | 1171 | 616 | 398 | 157 |
38 | Look, he's doing stand up. | 1.5996 | 0.01875 | 1451 | 779 | 475 | 197 |
39 | And he's not even using crib notes! | 1.5986 | 0.01914 | 1450 | 795 | 443 | 212 |
40 | And for my second word... | 1.5855 | 0.02022 | 1204 | 649 | 405 | 150 |
41 | Look, honey. He's not even using crib notes! | 1.5841 | 0.02019 | 1219 | 674 | 383 | 162 |
42 | He's speaking nonsense! We might be the parents of a future president. | 1.5838 | 0.02135 | 1223 | 701 | 330 | 192 |
43 | Heeeeeere’s Mommy! | 1.5809 | 0.02603 | 742 | 407 | 239 | 96 |
44 | Sooo, have you heard the one about the two people who thought I was sleeping? | 1.5760 | 0.02149 | 1066 | 584 | 350 | 132 |
45 | He just started crawling, but this is his first stand up! | 1.5732 | 0.02219 | 1052 | 595 | 312 | 145 |
46 | Thank you all for coming! My next set is at 3:17 AM. | 1.5714 | 0.02205 | 1022 | 569 | 323 | 130 |
47 | I’m here all week, and well into my 30s. | 1.5713 | 0.02297 | 1024 | 590 | 283 | 151 |
48 | Look at him honey - the small hands, the tantrums, the hair, the impulsive behavior. Plus he can't read and never makes sense when he tries to talk. I know it's a crowded field but I really think he can win. | 1.5706 | 0.02405 | 1027 | 620 | 228 | 179 |
49 | I'm thinking of a number between 1 and 2... Can you smell what it is? | 1.5704 | 0.02319 | 1015 | 596 | 262 | 157 |
50 | He skipped crawling and went right to stand-up! | 1.5692 | 0.03157 | 513 | 289 | 156 | 68 |
51 | He says it’s time for a change. | 1.5685 | 0.02378 | 927 | 529 | 269 | 129 |
52 | I can't wait until we can actually understand what he is saying. | 1.5624 | 0.02321 | 905 | 505 | 291 | 109 |
53 | See? He already deported the bear. | 1.5563 | 0.02541 | 852 | 507 | 216 | 129 |
54 | Add public speaking to the preschool application. | 1.5543 | 0.02487 | 819 | 471 | 242 | 106 |
55 | Let me start by saying its been a great year so far. | 1.5464 | 0.02521 | 754 | 429 | 238 | 87 |
56 | Look Honey, He's doing Stand Up! | 1.5427 | 0.02609 | 726 | 421 | 216 | 89 |
57 | He’ll mention us, Frank, after he thanks his sponsors. | 1.5423 | 0.02608 | 721 | 417 | 217 | 87 |
58 | His bedtime routine gets me every time. | 1.5420 | 0.02649 | 714 | 417 | 207 | 90 |
59 | I know words. I have the best words. | 1.5419 | 0.02870 | 657 | 397 | 164 | 96 |
60 | I'd like to thank my Mom and Dad, who are here tonight. | 1.5404 | 0.02614 | 705 | 406 | 217 | 82 |
61 | Check, check. Is this thing on? Can someone please hand me my bear? | 1.5390 | 0.02968 | 551 | 319 | 167 | 65 |
62 | The doctor says his sense of timing is in the ninety-ninth percentile. | 1.5380 | 0.02753 | 671 | 397 | 187 | 87 |
63 | I prefer his earlier stuff. | 1.5351 | 0.02743 | 656 | 385 | 191 | 80 |
64 | He’s running for President. They want a candidate with nothing embarrassing in his background. | 1.5328 | 0.02830 | 655 | 396 | 169 | 90 |
65 | Eighteen months of pee-pee jokes. Now, finally, some dry humor. | 1.5326 | 0.02729 | 644 | 375 | 195 | 74 |
66 | ...and a round of applause for my parents, who came all the way from the living room for tonight's show. | 1.5326 | 0.02526 | 644 | 363 | 223 | 58 |
67 | Look, honey, he's playing his first room! | 1.5324 | 0.03052 | 479 | 271 | 161 | 47 |
68 | He went straight from crawling to standup! | 1.5314 | 0.02753 | 653 | 386 | 187 | 80 |
69 | He really nailed his first TEDDY Talk. | 1.5313 | 0.02783 | 638 | 382 | 175 | 81 |
70 | Oh, look, Fred. Our little Donald just said his first lie! | 1.5313 | 0.02938 | 638 | 395 | 147 | 96 |
71 | I'm here to announce I too am running. And shortly, I also expect to be walking, | 1.5290 | 0.02788 | 603 | 350 | 187 | 66 |
72 | I’d like to dedicate this one called “Screaming at the top of my lungs” to my mom and dad. | 1.5288 | 0.02824 | 626 | 373 | 175 | 78 |
73 | The pediatrician said it's perfectly normal if he bombs on the first night. | 1.5272 | 0.03117 | 514 | 307 | 143 | 64 |
74 | And he just speaks off the cuff, with no crib sheets! | 1.5225 | 0.02867 | 578 | 341 | 172 | 65 |
75 | Look -- he's giving his first Teddy talk! | 1.5224 | 0.02932 | 580 | 349 | 159 | 72 |
76 | I guess the bear will think twice before heckling him again. | 1.5204 | 0.02884 | 565 | 333 | 170 | 62 |
77 | At six months he makes more sense than the Mother Fucker Trump. NOTE: I'm sure I won't win with this one but at least I feel better. PB | 1.5203 | 0.03253 | 567 | 371 | 97 | 99 |
78 | ...and I would like to be the second baby to occupy the Oval Office. | 1.5203 | 0.03116 | 567 | 357 | 125 | 85 |
79 | Do you think the White House will notice he’s gone? | 1.5194 | 0.03091 | 568 | 356 | 129 | 83 |
80 | I’m not president yet but, “I am full of shit” | 1.5189 | 0.03138 | 557 | 351 | 123 | 83 |
81 | I'm the greatest baby! Believe me, no baby is greater than me! | 1.5183 | 0.03042 | 546 | 335 | 140 | 71 |
82 | A funny thing happened to me on the way through the cervix. | 1.5172 | 0.03046 | 522 | 323 | 132 | 67 |
83 | My next guests need no introduction. | 1.5169 | 0.02855 | 561 | 329 | 174 | 58 |
84 | The limited vocabulary, infantile world view and lack of experience are considered assets by his base. | 1.5139 | 0.03069 | 541 | 333 | 138 | 70 |
85 | I'll be right back after a short nap. | 1.5129 | 0.02989 | 503 | 295 | 158 | 50 |
86 | Let’s see who his guests are first before we say anything. | 1.5116 | 0.03036 | 516 | 310 | 148 | 58 |
87 | His humor is a bit infantile. | 1.5089 | 0.03050 | 507 | 305 | 146 | 56 |
88 | No, I do not have a dirty diaper. Never had. FAKE NEWS! | 1.5087 | 0.03188 | 517 | 325 | 121 | 71 |
89 | Oh look, honey! He's declaring for the Democratic presidential nomination! | 1.5071 | 0.03330 | 491 | 314 | 105 | 72 |
90 | I believe we have a movement here and its time for a change" | 1.5032 | 0.03324 | 475 | 301 | 109 | 65 |
91 | I just got in from Pittsburgh and boy are my hands and knees tired. | 1.5032 | 0.03159 | 475 | 294 | 125 | 56 |
92 | And don't get me started on parents. | 1.5030 | 0.02984 | 495 | 293 | 155 | 47 |
93 | Hush, here comes the part of the acceptance speech where he thanks his mother. | 1.5023 | 0.03272 | 430 | 259 | 126 | 45 |
94 | I'm so glad we weaned him off the teleprompter. | 1.5021 | 0.03116 | 484 | 294 | 137 | 53 |
95 | Thank you all for coming. I'm happy to say that today I'm six months off the bottle. | 1.4988 | 0.03406 | 407 | 249 | 113 | 45 |
96 | He's already making more sense than Trump. | 1.4979 | 0.03429 | 468 | 305 | 93 | 70 |
97 | Look he's already doing stand up. | 1.4978 | 0.03112 | 464 | 279 | 139 | 46 |
98 | Ah, and here they are now. Ladies and Gentlemen, please give a warm welcome to My Parents. | 1.4932 | 0.03126 | 442 | 264 | 138 | 40 |
99 | I'm so glad we did Improv classes instead of Lamaze. | 1.4920 | 0.03298 | 437 | 271 | 117 | 49 |
100 | He sounds so much better live than on the baby monitor. | 1.4920 | 0.03234 | 437 | 267 | 125 | 45 |
101 | This is Eric reporting live from under the mobile. | 1.4920 | 0.03111 | 435 | 258 | 140 | 37 |
102 | For my next number ...two! | 1.4908 | 0.03327 | 436 | 275 | 109 | 52 |
103 | All those TED talks I attended while I was pregnant are finally paying off! | 1.4896 | 0.03247 | 433 | 268 | 119 | 46 |
104 | Wait 'til I tell Madge Schwartz. Her baby only does calculus. | 1.4895 | 0.02982 | 427 | 263 | 126 | 38 |
105 | I knew we shouldn’t have let her watch the debates. | 1.4883 | 0.03397 | 428 | 271 | 105 | 52 |
106 | And for my next cry, I dedicate it to the couple who agree with me that I am the center of the universe. | 1.4870 | 0.03328 | 423 | 263 | 114 | 46 |
107 | Oh George! He’s announcing his entry into the Democratic primary! | 1.4869 | 0.03423 | 421 | 267 | 103 | 51 |
108 | Can you believe he's already speaking at a presidential level? | 1.4869 | 0.03553 | 421 | 275 | 87 | 59 |
109 | And I said, ‘What stinks more? The economy, or my diaper?’ | 1.4869 | 0.03402 | 419 | 264 | 106 | 49 |
110 | Sure it’s narcissistic gibberish....our baby could be President some day! | 1.4853 | 0.03470 | 408 | 259 | 100 | 49 |
111 | I love his humor. He's so self-defacating! | 1.4853 | 0.03400 | 408 | 255 | 108 | 45 |
112 | And why is it called a mobile, anyway? It never goes anyplace. Amiright? | 1.4831 | 0.03166 | 414 | 248 | 132 | 34 |
113 | He's filibustering to avoid taking a nap. | 1.4827 | 0.03406 | 404 | 253 | 107 | 44 |
114 | It's mostly toilet humor, but that's how everyone starts. | 1.4827 | 0.03296 | 404 | 247 | 119 | 38 |
115 | Oh, Fred. His first word! "Covfefe!" | 1.4826 | 0.03595 | 402 | 262 | 86 | 54 |
116 | Listening to George Carlin in utero worked. He got all seven words correct. | 1.4823 | 0.03456 | 396 | 249 | 103 | 44 |
117 | A teddy bear walks into a bar ... | 1.4810 | 0.03369 | 395 | 244 | 112 | 39 |
118 | And now a brief message from the people who made all this possible. | 1.4806 | 0.03319 | 387 | 235 | 118 | 34 |
119 | And here they are now! How about a little love for my producers! | 1.4805 | 0.03352 | 385 | 235 | 115 | 35 |
120 | And here's.............Mommy!" | 1.4798 | 0.03362 | 396 | 245 | 112 | 39 |
121 | I would now like to thank my parents, without whom none of this would be possible. | 1.4796 | 0.03329 | 392 | 240 | 116 | 36 |
122 | So, are you two a couple? | 1.4784 | 0.03634 | 370 | 237 | 89 | 44 |
123 | I know it's gibberish, but his foreign policy still makes more sense the president. | 1.4784 | 0.03549 | 393 | 253 | 92 | 48 |
124 | Oh Honey, he's about to tell his first lie! | 1.4769 | 0.03624 | 390 | 255 | 84 | 51 |
125 | Finally, a candidate who appeals to younger voters! | 1.4764 | 0.03390 | 382 | 236 | 110 | 36 |
126 | His first words - “Is this thing on?” | 1.4745 | 0.03448 | 373 | 232 | 105 | 36 |
127 | And breast-feeding....what's up with that | 1.4743 | 0.03538 | 369 | 233 | 97 | 39 |
128 | It’s so cute seeing him rally his imaginary base. | 1.4730 | 0.03572 | 370 | 236 | 93 | 41 |
129 | He's demanding tanks, Blue Angel flyovers, and a fresh bottle. | 1.4699 | 0.03640 | 349 | 222 | 90 | 37 |
130 | So a baby walks into a bar and the bartender says, we don't serve babies. So the baby says, I was just looking for a bottle! | 1.4699 | 0.03595 | 349 | 220 | 94 | 35 |
131 | He looks so presidential! | 1.4689 | 0.03733 | 354 | 231 | 80 | 43 |
132 | And now, let's welcome two people I've known forever. | 1.4688 | 0.03639 | 352 | 225 | 89 | 38 |
133 | So sweet that his first words were "Is this mic on? | 1.4676 | 0.03572 | 355 | 225 | 94 | 36 |
134 | ...and lastly, I'd like to thank my egg donor, my sperm donor and my gestational mother. I love you all. | 1.4670 | 0.03662 | 349 | 224 | 87 | 38 |
135 | Did you hear that? His first joke was about Mom" | 1.4657 | 0.03313 | 350 | 228 | 88 | 34 |
136 | I wish he would call us Mom and Dad, not "a lovely audience." | 1.4653 | 0.03593 | 346 | 219 | 93 | 34 |
137 | Look, he's speaking without a teleprompter! | 1.4647 | 0.03686 | 340 | 218 | 86 | 36 |
138 | This way we won’t miss his first words! | 1.4622 | 0.03512 | 344 | 215 | 99 | 30 |
139 | Let's not tell him he has only two followers. | 1.4622 | 0.03287 | 344 | 206 | 117 | 21 |
140 | Do you think we're taking his 'first words' moment too far? | 1.4608 | 0.03701 | 332 | 213 | 85 | 34 |
141 | I love his new bedtime routine! | 1.4606 | 0.03460 | 330 | 202 | 104 | 24 |
142 | Just had a big dinner and boy am I pooped | 1.4595 | 0.03618 | 333 | 211 | 91 | 31 |
143 | Testing. Testing. One. Two. Um, five? | 1.4595 | 0.03630 | 333 | 219 | 78 | 36 |
144 | Next thing you know, he'll be lying to the press. | 1.4592 | 0.03658 | 331 | 211 | 88 | 32 |
145 | The book did say this is when he'd start working on his speech! | 1.4582 | 0.03749 | 323 | 208 | 82 | 33 |
146 | For example, take my parents.... please! | 1.4582 | 0.03658 | 323 | 212 | 77 | 34 |
147 | Oh honey, he has your need for attention! | 1.4573 | 0.03631 | 328 | 208 | 90 | 30 |
148 | Thanks! I'll be up again every hour for the next three nights! | 1.4560 | 0.03738 | 318 | 204 | 83 | 31 |
149 | Look, honey. He just said his first alternative fact! | 1.4548 | 0.03889 | 310 | 203 | 73 | 34 |
150 | Now if he could only learn to talk! | 1.4548 | 0.03916 | 310 | 204 | 71 | 35 |
151 | Don’t stop him. He makes more from his YouTube channel that you do. | 1.4548 | 0.03765 | 321 | 208 | 80 | 33 |
152 | I think it’s best if we just let him filibuster himself to sleep. | 1.4545 | 0.03782 | 319 | 207 | 79 | 33 |
153 | Sure, free toys for everyone sounds good, but how do we pay for them? | 1.4545 | 0.03676 | 319 | 203 | 87 | 29 |
154 | First, I'd like to thank my Mom and Dad, without whom I wouldn't be here today. | 1.4537 | 0.03887 | 313 | 206 | 72 | 35 |
155 | His nanny-cam was picked up by Netflix! | 1.4537 | 0.03586 | 313 | 195 | 94 | 24 |
156 | And now "Memories," the short version. | 1.4534 | 0.03798 | 311 | 201 | 79 | 31 |
157 | The state of the nursery is strong. | 1.4528 | 0.03806 | 307 | 198 | 79 | 30 |
158 | I was in the womb the other day, minding my own business, when boom this masked man starts spanking me. I get no respect... | 1.4525 | 0.03807 | 316 | 206 | 77 | 33 |
159 | I'm here all week, try the breast milk. | 1.4516 | 0.04046 | 310 | 210 | 60 | 40 |
160 | Honey, I think he just told his first lie! | 1.4515 | 0.03965 | 299 | 197 | 69 | 33 |
161 | Who knew standing up was the hardest part of comedy? | 1.4510 | 0.03786 | 306 | 197 | 80 | 29 |
162 | I told you singing to him when I was pregnant would pay off. | 1.4510 | 0.03757 | 306 | 196 | 82 | 28 |
163 | What’s the deal with pull-ups? I mean c’mon, people. Are they diapers? Are they plastic briefs?” | 1.4510 | 0.03842 | 306 | 199 | 76 | 31 |
164 | He's bound to be president, he's already behind bars...! | 1.4507 | 0.03860 | 304 | 198 | 75 | 31 |
165 | I promise you, a change is coming. | 1.4498 | 0.03814 | 309 | 201 | 77 | 31 |
166 | Listen to all that babbling. He’s nearly ready to run for office. | 1.4495 | 0.03915 | 307 | 203 | 70 | 34 |
167 | He's fired his teddy bear! | 1.4495 | 0.03776 | 307 | 198 | 80 | 29 |
168 | I'm so proud! He did all that without crib notes! | 1.4485 | 0.03622 | 301 | 188 | 91 | 22 |
169 | I have decided to seek the Democratic nomination for president | 1.4485 | 0.03944 | 301 | 199 | 69 | 33 |
170 | Seems like just yesterday he was doing sit-up. | 1.4485 | 0.03772 | 301 | 193 | 81 | 27 |
171 | Oh Honey! He just told his first lie! | 1.4478 | 0.03896 | 297 | 194 | 73 | 30 |
172 | So whats the deal with parents? | 1.4474 | 0.03566 | 304 | 189 | 94 | 21 |
173 | His stand-up routine is so much better now that he can actually stand up. | 1.4474 | 0.03773 | 304 | 196 | 80 | 28 |
174 | Sure, he does a lot of poop jokes. But he's so AUTHENTIC! | 1.4474 | 0.03745 | 304 | 195 | 82 | 27 |
175 | Surely he’ll be walking soon. He’s already mastered stand up. | 1.4470 | 0.03703 | 302 | 192 | 85 | 25 |
176 | He's so at ease at the mic. No crib notes. | 1.4464 | 0.03906 | 280 | 180 | 75 | 25 |
177 | The store was out of baby monitors, so I improvised. | 1.4463 | 0.03768 | 298 | 191 | 81 | 26 |
178 | Take my diaper... please. | 1.4459 | 0.03905 | 296 | 194 | 72 | 30 |
179 | Covfefe | 1.4456 | 0.04012 | 294 | 196 | 65 | 33 |
180 | Mom, Dad? I'm gay. | 1.4456 | 0.04182 | 294 | 202 | 53 | 39 |
181 | Stop me if you've heard the one about the baby and the helicopter parents. | 1.4448 | 0.03778 | 290 | 185 | 81 | 24 |
182 | Oh listen, honey, he’s telling his first lie. | 1.4444 | 0.03980 | 279 | 182 | 70 | 27 |
183 | I'm just worried he'll never be able to support himself. | 1.4444 | 0.03806 | 297 | 192 | 78 | 27 |
184 | I just flew in from DC and I'm literally pooped. | 1.4444 | 0.03806 | 297 | 192 | 78 | 27 |
185 | Good evening, children. Welcome to another chilling episode of 'Tales from the Crib. | 1.4429 | 0.03942 | 289 | 190 | 70 | 29 |
186 | And he's just what Biden needs to counter the age thing! | 1.4425 | 0.03930 | 287 | 188 | 71 | 28 |
187 | Well, except for saying George Washington captured airports, that was brilliant. | 1.4409 | 0.04043 | 279 | 190 | 57 | 32 |
188 | He’s got your misguided confidence. | 1.4409 | 0.04011 | 279 | 184 | 67 | 28 |
189 | So I says, 'Diaper? I hardly know her!' | 1.4406 | 0.03715 | 286 | 181 | 84 | 21 |
190 | Oh Howard, let’s stay for another set. | 1.4406 | 0.03829 | 286 | 187 | 73 | 26 |
191 | It was a tremendous nap. The most tremendous nap. Any other nap is a loser. | 1.4406 | 0.04092 | 286 | 193 | 60 | 33 |
192 | Isn't he hysterical?" "I'm just glad he's grown out of his Lenny Bruce phase. | 1.4391 | 0.04028 | 271 | 178 | 67 | 26 |
193 | This is his biggest gig since the ultrasound. | 1.4391 | 0.03960 | 271 | 176 | 71 | 24 |
194 | Do you think he's deranged or just precocious? | 1.4391 | 0.04062 | 271 | 179 | 65 | 27 |
195 | Oh, honey, can you believe it? He's speaking without his teleprompter! | 1.4384 | 0.04008 | 276 | 182 | 67 | 27 |
196 | I felt like the baby monitor was keeping him from his full potential. | 1.4359 | 0.03903 | 273 | 177 | 73 | 23 |
197 | Jane's daughter didn't start her podcast until she was 2! | 1.4356 | 0.03924 | 264 | 170 | 73 | 21 |
198 | ...and what’s with diaper rashes? They put a man on the moon and they can’t stop diaper rash? Really??? | 1.4354 | 0.03817 | 271 | 173 | 78 | 20 |
199 | One baby step for me, one flying leap for my bear. | 1.4343 | 0.04222 | 274 | 188 | 53 | 33 |
200 | Thank you, I'm here all this week - try the breast milk. | 1.4338 | 0.04015 | 272 | 180 | 66 | 26 |
201 | I have a few first words. | 1.4323 | 0.03973 | 266 | 174 | 69 | 23 |
202 | Today, I announce my candidacy for President of the United States. | 1.4323 | 0.04249 | 266 | 182 | 53 | 31 |
203 | For my first and next fifty songs, I will be singing "Baby Shark." | 1.4322 | 0.04103 | 273 | 184 | 60 | 29 |
204 | With the eyes of the nation upon me, I would like to announce that I have wet myself. | 1.4318 | 0.04171 | 264 | 178 | 58 | 28 |
205 | Finally a Democratic candidate who can go head to head with Trump on his level. | 1.4318 | 0.04171 | 264 | 178 | 58 | 28 |
206 | And diaper rash, what’s up with that? | 1.4302 | 0.03799 | 265 | 169 | 78 | 18 |
207 | Wait! You gotta hear him do his impression of you. | 1.4297 | 0.03923 | 249 | 159 | 73 | 17 |
208 | It used to seem like gibberish, but these days it sounds presidential. | 1.4297 | 0.04427 | 249 | 172 | 47 | 30 |
209 | You’re both fired! | 1.4297 | 0.04240 | 249 | 167 | 57 | 25 |
210 | He's starting to campaign for 2056 | 1.4297 | 0.04084 | 249 | 163 | 65 | 21 |
211 | He's going to make infancy great again! | 1.4297 | 0.04163 | 249 | 165 | 61 | 23 |
212 | Why can't we just have a baby monitor like other new parents? | 1.4297 | 0.04004 | 263 | 173 | 67 | 23 |
213 | He’s come a long way from writing jokes for other babies. | 1.4297 | 0.03856 | 263 | 169 | 75 | 19 |
214 | And then he said, "Is that a dirty diaper or did dad make lunch again?" | 1.4286 | 0.04298 | 259 | 178 | 51 | 30 |
215 | Spank me if you’ve heard this one before ... | 1.4280 | 0.04106 | 257 | 171 | 62 | 24 |
216 | Yes, but they're insightful potty jokes. | 1.4280 | 0.03993 | 257 | 168 | 68 | 21 |
217 | Thanks for having me. | 1.4280 | 0.04150 | 250 | 166 | 61 | 23 |
218 | Teething pain! Am I right? | 1.4280 | 0.03952 | 250 | 161 | 71 | 18 |
219 | Looks like Teddy lost the debate. | 1.4275 | 0.04085 | 262 | 175 | 62 | 25 |
220 | He's a natural stand-up! | 1.4275 | 0.04015 | 255 | 167 | 67 | 21 |
221 | He’s a natural-born politician – he didn’t answer a single question! | 1.4274 | 0.04134 | 248 | 164 | 62 | 22 |
222 | It is with great regret that I announce the passing of Teddy. | 1.4258 | 0.03886 | 256 | 165 | 73 | 18 |
223 | Look Phil, he's gone from crawling to stand up. | 1.4258 | 0.04041 | 256 | 169 | 65 | 22 |
224 | It's so cute when he calls us fake parents. | 1.4258 | 0.04262 | 256 | 175 | 53 | 28 |
225 | we'll potty train him after the campaign. | 1.4258 | 0.04116 | 256 | 171 | 61 | 24 |
226 | I'm just glad I don't have to share this crib with 19 other candidates. | 1.4258 | 0.04298 | 256 | 176 | 51 | 29 |
227 | Parenting is easy, comedy is hard. | 1.4257 | 0.03920 | 249 | 160 | 72 | 17 |
228 | I told you he was ready for stand up. | 1.4257 | 0.04082 | 249 | 164 | 64 | 21 |
229 | Is he imitating Trump or is Trump imitating him? | 1.4246 | 0.04200 | 252 | 170 | 57 | 25 |
230 | He's a born politician. His message makes no sense. | 1.4240 | 0.04224 | 250 | 169 | 56 | 25 |
231 | He said, 'Heeeeere's Mommy!' | 1.4240 | 0.03949 | 250 | 162 | 70 | 18 |
232 | Now they can become president first, and then grow up. | 1.4240 | 0.04410 | 250 | 174 | 46 | 30 |
233 | We're sending these planes and ships to Iran as soon as we figure out how to unhook them from the ceiling. | 1.4234 | 0.04286 | 248 | 169 | 53 | 26 |
234 | First and foremost, i'd like to say that my diaper needs to be changed. | 1.4228 | 0.04033 | 246 | 161 | 66 | 19 |
235 | He’s throwing his diaper in the ring for 2020! | 1.4228 | 0.04311 | 246 | 168 | 52 | 26 |
236 | Oh sure, it’s funny when he says it. | 1.4228 | 0.04115 | 246 | 163 | 62 | 21 |
237 | I can't believe the 2058 campaign is already under way. | 1.4228 | 0.04194 | 246 | 165 | 58 | 23 |
238 | Buying the Rodney Dangerfield sample from the sperm bank was worth every penny! | 1.4226 | 0.04200 | 239 | 164 | 51 | 24 |
239 | Let’s bring on the people who made this all possible. | 1.4223 | 0.03936 | 251 | 163 | 70 | 18 |
240 | His jokes are great but he’s got quite the potty mouth. | 1.4217 | 0.03958 | 249 | 162 | 69 | 18 |
241 | The 2 a.m. set is completely different from the 4 a.m. set. | 1.4217 | 0.03875 | 249 | 160 | 73 | 16 |
242 | Gee, all the books said he wouldn't be podcasting for another six months. | 1.4215 | 0.03993 | 242 | 157 | 68 | 17 |
243 | Six months and he’s already doing stand up! | 1.4211 | 0.03853 | 247 | 158 | 74 | 15 |
244 | He's already making more sense than Trump, and he throws fewer tantrums | 1.4211 | 0.04411 | 247 | 172 | 46 | 29 |
245 | Thanks for coming. This is truly my first time doing stand up. | 1.4204 | 0.04043 | 245 | 161 | 65 | 19 |
246 | See? I always knew that bear was holding him back. | 1.4198 | 0.04189 | 243 | 163 | 58 | 22 |
247 | Just yesterday he rolled over, and now he can do stand-up! | 1.4191 | 0.04172 | 241 | 161 | 59 | 21 |
248 | I'd like to thank my mother and father... that's pretty much it... thank you. | 1.4191 | 0.03959 | 241 | 156 | 69 | 16 |
249 | I smell an encore coming. | 1.4191 | 0.04213 | 241 | 162 | 57 | 22 |
250 | He got a full diaper and likes to hear himself talk. He's our little politician! | 1.4188 | 0.04260 | 234 | 157 | 56 | 21 |
251 | Thanks, I'll be here the next 17 years! | 1.4184 | 0.04112 | 239 | 158 | 62 | 19 |
252 | And we were afraid he’d never talk | 1.4184 | 0.04069 | 239 | 157 | 64 | 18 |
253 | He did his whole monologue without a crib sheet! | 1.4184 | 0.04154 | 239 | 159 | 60 | 20 |
254 | Forgive me if the material's a little juvenile. | 1.4184 | 0.03981 | 239 | 155 | 68 | 16 |
255 | Ladies and gentlemen, take my parents...please! | 1.4177 | 0.04221 | 237 | 159 | 57 | 21 |
256 | He can finally entertain himself! | 1.4177 | 0.04092 | 237 | 156 | 63 | 18 |
257 | I knew we should've never moved to L.A. | 1.4177 | 0.04221 | 237 | 159 | 57 | 21 |
258 | Frank, I'm so proud! He's gone right from spit up to stand up! | 1.4177 | 0.04092 | 237 | 156 | 63 | 18 |
259 | Tales from the Crib | 1.4174 | 0.04485 | 230 | 159 | 46 | 25 |
260 | They grow up so fast. A week ago he could barely crawl. Now he’s doing stand-up. | 1.4174 | 0.04033 | 242 | 159 | 65 | 18 |
261 | Look at our little boy, from crawling to stand up! | 1.4174 | 0.04199 | 242 | 163 | 57 | 22 |
262 | "I told you he was a born politician––he's already thrown Teddy under the bus!" | 1.4174 | 0.04240 | 242 | 164 | 55 | 23 |
263 | He’s a born politician. He just threw Teddy under the bus! | 1.4156 | 0.04341 | 231 | 157 | 52 | 22 |
264 | And for my next number... 2. | 1.4156 | 0.04209 | 231 | 154 | 58 | 19 |
265 | Of course it’s gibberish, but at least he’s standing up for something! | 1.4156 | 0.04118 | 231 | 157 | 54 | 20 |
266 | Now I want you to think of a number between one and two. | 1.4156 | 0.04297 | 231 | 156 | 54 | 21 |
267 | We should have expected this when his first word was "Grammy." | 1.4156 | 0.04118 | 231 | 152 | 62 | 17 |
268 | And now I would like to thank my parents, who are clueless but necessary. | 1.4156 | 0.04297 | 231 | 156 | 54 | 21 |
269 | Oh John, he's announcing his candidacy for 2056. | 1.4153 | 0.04274 | 236 | 160 | 54 | 22 |
270 | Teddy bears are drug dealers, criminals, murderers, rapists . . . | 1.4153 | 0.04480 | 236 | 165 | 44 | 27 |
271 | Guess who's the new White House press secretary?!? | 1.4152 | 0.04347 | 224 | 151 | 53 | 20 |
272 | He's already qualified to become President! | 1.4145 | 0.04257 | 234 | 158 | 55 | 21 |
273 | Thank you - I’ll be here every night | 1.4145 | 0.04300 | 234 | 159 | 53 | 22 |
274 | His ability to read the room puts him in the 85th percentile for his age! | 1.4145 | 0.03728 | 234 | 159 | 58 | 17 |
275 | Stand-up comedy? I didn't know he could stand up! | 1.4145 | 0.04170 | 234 | 156 | 59 | 19 |
276 | And I'd like to thank my parents, Bob and Linda, for having me. | 1.4145 | 0.04213 | 234 | 157 | 57 | 20 |
277 | Before the field gets too crowded, I'm announcing my candidacy for the 2050 Democratic Primary. | 1.4145 | 0.04342 | 234 | 160 | 51 | 23 |
278 | When the press hears he tickled Elmo, his campaign is over | 1.4144 | 0.04557 | 222 | 154 | 44 | 24 |
279 | Look honey, Ted talks! | 1.4144 | 0.04232 | 222 | 147 | 58 | 17 |
280 | What's a guy gotta do to get a clean diaper around here? | 1.4138 | 0.04059 | 232 | 152 | 64 | 16 |
281 | He sounds so presidential! | 1.4138 | 0.04194 | 232 | 155 | 58 | 19 |
282 | He snivels, won't listen, throws tantrums, denies responsibility, behaves badly in public, wears ill-fitting clothes, has bad hair, and doesn't know much. So why not? | 1.4138 | 0.04495 | 232 | 162 | 44 | 26 |
283 | Imagine not remembering where you passed out and waking up in a pile of your own excrement. Hi. My name is Ryan and I'm a toddler. | 1.4138 | 0.04495 | 232 | 162 | 44 | 26 |
284 | I told you naming him Donald was a mistake | 1.4133 | 0.04332 | 225 | 152 | 53 | 20 |
285 | Take my mom...please. | 1.4130 | 0.04174 | 230 | 153 | 59 | 18 |
286 | Look, he learned to stand-up! | 1.4130 | 0.04035 | 230 | 150 | 65 | 15 |
287 | And now....the lucky winners of the diaper change challenge! | 1.4130 | 0.04308 | 230 | 156 | 53 | 21 |
288 | Steve, his first "Your-Mama" joke. | 1.4130 | 0.04174 | 230 | 153 | 59 | 18 |
289 | Look at him! Last week he could barely crawl, today he's doing standup! | 1.4130 | 0.04264 | 230 | 155 | 55 | 20 |
290 | No, wait — he’s killing it. | 1.4130 | 0.04174 | 230 | 153 | 59 | 18 |
291 | And don't forget, I'll be back for another show at 3:00AM | 1.4128 | 0.04285 | 235 | 160 | 53 | 22 |
292 | Your theory about replacing Mozart with Seinfeld reruns really worked! | 1.4113 | 0.03975 | 231 | 150 | 67 | 14 |
293 | Thanks Teddy...my next guests are from my own home town. | 1.4107 | 0.03982 | 224 | 147 | 63 | 14 |
294 | I think he's going to start talking any day now. | 1.4107 | 0.04524 | 224 | 156 | 44 | 24 |
295 | Thank you. Thank you very much. I'm here until I'm eighteen. | 1.4107 | 0.04154 | 224 | 148 | 60 | 16 |
296 | He went directly from rolling over to stand-up. | 1.4097 | 0.04391 | 227 | 156 | 49 | 22 |
297 | Which one of us should tell him how to pronounce “nuclear”? | 1.4097 | 0.04391 | 227 | 156 | 49 | 22 |
298 | I'd like to dedicate this next song to the folks who brought me here by accident." | 1.4095 | 0.04054 | 232 | 153 | 63 | 16 |
299 | And this one goes out to a very special couple... | 1.4095 | 0.03768 | 232 | 147 | 75 | 10 |
300 | What's the deal with onesies? They don't call pants and shirts twosies. | 1.4095 | 0.04100 | 232 | 154 | 61 | 17 |
301 | He just said " heeeeere's Mommy ." | 1.4085 | 0.04299 | 213 | 142 | 55 | 16 |
302 | Thanks, I'll be here until 2036! | 1.4085 | 0.04401 | 213 | 144 | 51 | 18 |
303 | What's the deal with bedtimes? | 1.4085 | 0.04350 | 213 | 143 | 53 | 17 |
304 | He didn't just learn to stand up, he's got ten minutes of good material. | 1.4083 | 0.04231 | 218 | 145 | 57 | 16 |
305 | Come on Sweetie, show daddy how you’re going to pay for college. | 1.4083 | 0.04280 | 218 | 146 | 55 | 17 |
306 | Yesterday he dedicated his tantrum to me. | 1.4083 | 0.04280 | 218 | 146 | 55 | 17 |
307 | This is Georgie’s new bit: The Seven Words You Can Never Say At Daycare. | 1.4083 | 0.04378 | 218 | 148 | 51 | 19 |
308 | Oh honey, who knew ‘testing’ would be his first word. | 1.4083 | 0.04473 | 218 | 150 | 47 | 21 |
309 | His first word was "impeach"! | 1.4083 | 0.04378 | 218 | 148 | 51 | 19 |
310 | His fans are gonna go gaga! | 1.4083 | 0.04078 | 218 | 142 | 63 | 13 |
311 | We might have overdone it with speech therapy. | 1.4083 | 0.04426 | 218 | 149 | 49 | 20 |
312 | Take my midwife...please. | 1.4081 | 0.04401 | 223 | 153 | 49 | 21 |
313 | Look, Honey, he’s already doing stand up! | 1.4081 | 0.04261 | 223 | 150 | 55 | 18 |
314 | A priest, a rabbi and my Dada walked into a bar... | 1.4081 | 0.04261 | 223 | 150 | 55 | 18 |
315 | Our child does not need a babysitter; he needs an agent! | 1.4081 | 0.04213 | 223 | 149 | 57 | 17 |
316 | He’s raised 3.5 million since nap time. | 1.4081 | 0.04354 | 223 | 152 | 51 | 20 |
317 | Oh, he has your father's dry wit and my uncle's delayed timing! | 1.4081 | 0.04213 | 223 | 149 | 57 | 17 |
318 | I owe everything to my mom and dad who are in the audience tonight. I wouldn't be here today if not for them. | 1.4072 | 0.04239 | 221 | 148 | 56 | 17 |
319 | I'm so excited. His first podcast without the bear. | 1.4065 | 0.04180 | 214 | 141 | 59 | 14 |
320 | It's an honor just to be born | 1.4065 | 0.04334 | 214 | 144 | 53 | 17 |
321 | He'll be playing the living room in no time! | 1.4064 | 0.04265 | 219 | 147 | 55 | 17 |
322 | Wow, talking gibberish already- he really could be president someday! | 1.4064 | 0.04550 | 219 | 153 | 43 | 23 |
323 | Next he’ll want tanks and a parade. | 1.4064 | 0.04410 | 219 | 150 | 49 | 20 |
324 | Oh, sweetheart, it's his first podcast. | 1.4064 | 0.04215 | 219 | 146 | 57 | 16 |
325 | Teddy Talks! | 1.4064 | 0.04457 | 219 | 151 | 47 | 21 |
326 | All this sleeping through the night BS - FAKE NEWS! Next question.... | 1.4064 | 0.04386 | 219 | 152 | 46 | 21 |
327 | Oh honey, his first statement from behind bars! | 1.4064 | 0.04504 | 219 | 152 | 45 | 22 |
328 | And I say to Mr. Teddy Bear, tear down this wall!! | 1.4062 | 0.04198 | 224 | 150 | 57 | 17 |
329 | Oh god, is he running too? | 1.4062 | 0.04339 | 224 | 153 | 51 | 20 |
330 | Thanks, folks. I'll be here for the next couple of years. | 1.4048 | 0.04338 | 210 | 141 | 53 | 16 |
331 | We shall defend our right to suck our thumb, whatever the cost may be, we shall fight them on the play ground, we shall fight them at the Day Care, we shall fight them at home and in the streets, we shall never surrender. | 1.4048 | 0.04442 | 210 | 143 | 49 | 18 |
332 | He's already speaking like the President | 1.4048 | 0.04740 | 210 | 149 | 37 | 24 |
333 | It's ok honey, the dr said he's just politically precocious. | 1.4048 | 0.04232 | 210 | 139 | 57 | 14 |
334 | Our very own Speaker of the House! | 1.4048 | 0.04232 | 210 | 139 | 57 | 14 |
335 | Oh, his first lie! | 1.4048 | 0.04642 | 210 | 147 | 41 | 22 |
336 | Diaper check ... 1... 2... 3. | 1.4038 | 0.04446 | 213 | 146 | 48 | 19 |
337 | He's very anxious to to announce his candidacy, but the pediatrician told him he needs to learn to walk before he can run. | 1.4038 | 0.04243 | 213 | 142 | 56 | 15 |
338 | At least if we’re bad parents he’ll have good material. | 1.4028 | 0.04149 | 216 | 143 | 59 | 14 |
339 | You're listening to Baby Talk. Tonight, the efficacy of binkies. Go ahead, caller. | 1.4028 | 0.04546 | 216 | 151 | 43 | 22 |
340 | He’s finally dropped Teddy from his act. | 1.4028 | 0.04097 | 216 | 142 | 61 | 13 |
341 | His fans don’t seem to mind that he can’t talk, as long as he says “MAGA” once in a while. | 1.4028 | 0.04352 | 216 | 147 | 51 | 18 |
342 | He’ll be perfect! No voting record, no embarrassing affairs and no Twitter trail. | 1.4028 | 0.04302 | 216 | 146 | 53 | 17 |
343 | A baby crawls into a bar... | 1.4028 | 0.03936 | 216 | 139 | 67 | 10 |
344 | First, I wish to say that I do not intend to make my opponent's age an issue in this campaign. | 1.4028 | 0.04252 | 216 | 145 | 55 | 16 |
345 | People of Earth... | 1.4019 | 0.04764 | 214 | 154 | 34 | 26 |
346 | Unaccustomed as I am to public speaking . . . | 1.4019 | 0.04227 | 214 | 143 | 56 | 15 |
347 | Look, honey--he added a second show just for you. | 1.4010 | 0.04284 | 202 | 134 | 55 | 13 |
348 | He's just a baby - let him enjoy playing commander in chief. | 1.4010 | 0.04688 | 207 | 146 | 39 | 22 |
349 | Look, he's gone from crawling to standup. | 1.4010 | 0.04431 | 207 | 141 | 49 | 17 |
350 | I get no respect. When I was a kid my parents moved a lot. But I always found them. | 1.4009 | 0.04481 | 217 | 151 | 45 | 21 |
351 | Look, dear -- he's already grasped the value of adding military imagery to his addresses! | 1.4000 | 0.04199 | 210 | 142 | 53 | 15 |
352 | Change me if you’ve heard this one. | 1.4000 | 0.04538 | 210 | 146 | 44 | 20 |
353 | My reason for running is because I believe the current occupant of the White House is too childish. | 1.4000 | 0.04488 | 210 | 145 | 46 | 19 |
354 | They said his podcast on poor parenting went viral. | 1.4000 | 0.04172 | 210 | 139 | 58 | 13 |
355 | Hello, is this thing on? Can someone please pick up my bear and bring me my guitar? | 1.4000 | 0.04172 | 210 | 139 | 58 | 13 |
356 | Don't you think he's a wee bit young to be singing, "I Did It My Way?" | 1.4000 | 0.04280 | 210 | 141 | 54 | 15 |
357 | Trust me — preschool admissions will love a podcast. | 1.4000 | 0.04333 | 210 | 142 | 52 | 16 |
358 | How cute. He's already got a stand-up routine. | 1.4000 | 0.04172 | 210 | 139 | 58 | 13 |
359 | He's going to make childhood great again. | 1.4000 | 0.04385 | 210 | 143 | 50 | 17 |
360 | Well, it's already been proven that any infant can get elected. | 1.4000 | 0.04588 | 210 | 147 | 42 | 21 |
361 | Other toddlers stand up. Ours DOES stand-up! | 1.4000 | 0.03890 | 210 | 139 | 60 | 11 |
362 | And now for my next act, I am going to burp and fill my diaper at the same time. | 1.4000 | 0.04687 | 210 | 149 | 38 | 23 |
363 | Who does he think is listening? | 1.3990 | 0.04253 | 208 | 139 | 55 | 14 |
364 | But seriously pops, you look great tonight. I don’t know if mom should hug you or play tic-tac-toe on your shirt. You’re killing me over here. | 1.3981 | 0.04635 | 216 | 154 | 38 | 24 |
365 | Did he say, "Anybody here from Jersey?" | 1.3978 | 0.04398 | 186 | 123 | 52 | 11 |
366 | Tonight, I'm announcing my candidacy for President of the United States. | 1.3971 | 0.04885 | 204 | 148 | 31 | 25 |
367 | But first a word from my sponsors. | 1.3970 | 0.04607 | 199 | 138 | 43 | 18 |
368 | Read My Lips: No New Vegetables!” | 1.3962 | 0.04300 | 212 | 144 | 52 | 16 |
369 | Another milestone reached - he's now qualified to be President! | 1.3951 | 0.04613 | 205 | 144 | 41 | 20 |
370 | Thank you, thank you very much! The next scream on my play list is called "Feed Me!" .....and it goes something like this...... | 1.3950 | 0.04421 | 200 | 136 | 49 | 15 |
371 | And you said all that whining didn’t sound presidential! | 1.3941 | 0.04697 | 203 | 144 | 38 | 21 |
372 | Parents, am I right? | 1.3932 | 0.04437 | 206 | 142 | 47 | 17 |
373 | And after he learns to speak, it will be even better! | 1.3932 | 0.04274 | 206 | 139 | 53 | 14 |
374 | This is not what we anticipated when we told him to "stand up". | 1.3932 | 0.04329 | 206 | 140 | 51 | 15 |
375 | And this next one is for all the little people yearning to be free. | 1.3932 | 0.04329 | 206 | 140 | 51 | 15 |
376 | I told you that Jerry Seinfeld Sperm Bank was the right place. | 1.3930 | 0.04515 | 201 | 139 | 45 | 17 |
377 | This one is going out to my old gang from the East 72nd St lamaze class. | 1.3930 | 0.04289 | 201 | 135 | 53 | 13 |
378 | He’s already polling better than nineteen other candidates. | 1.3930 | 0.04515 | 201 | 139 | 45 | 17 |
379 | He just said his first word... Bigly! | 1.3930 | 0.04570 | 201 | 140 | 43 | 18 |
380 | Thank you very much ladies and gentlemen Two shows nightly, try the formula. | 1.3930 | 0.04403 | 201 | 137 | 49 | 15 |
381 | Look, honey -- our boy is doing his first standup! | 1.3929 | 0.04363 | 196 | 132 | 51 | 13 |
382 | Morris, I think he's finally ready to talk | 1.3929 | 0.04481 | 196 | 134 | 47 | 15 |
383 | Just imagine, in 70 years he’ll still be bald, drooling, slurring his words and running for President. | 1.3929 | 0.04653 | 196 | 137 | 41 | 18 |
384 | I will now attempt the very difficult "jump over the 2 1/2-foot rail from a standing position". | 1.3929 | 0.04481 | 196 | 134 | 47 | 15 |
385 | It's great to be back at The Playpen. | 1.3929 | 0.04539 | 196 | 135 | 45 | 16 |
386 | And we were worried he would grow up to become a doctor! | 1.3929 | 0.04539 | 196 | 135 | 45 | 16 |
387 | The bit about unaffordable daycare - hilarious!” | 1.3925 | 0.04772 | 186 | 130 | 39 | 17 |
388 | So today I will be saying my tenth word: Adroit. | 1.3925 | 0.04291 | 186 | 125 | 50 | 11 |
389 | I just crawled in from the coast... | 1.3925 | 0.04617 | 186 | 130 | 40 | 16 |
390 | His earlier work was more edgy. | 1.3922 | 0.04521 | 204 | 142 | 44 | 18 |
391 | And stop me if you've heard this one before. We're all drinking milk.... seriously have you seen where it comes from? You've been a great crowd! | 1.3922 | 0.03795 | 204 | 142 | 49 | 13 |
392 | Donnie said he's getting a bigger crib and the neighbors will pay for it. | 1.3920 | 0.04601 | 199 | 139 | 42 | 18 |
393 | Little Donald just uttered his first exaggeration. | 1.3920 | 0.04710 | 199 | 141 | 38 | 20 |
394 | Well honey, he was conceived during the debate, remember? | 1.3920 | 0.04546 | 199 | 138 | 44 | 17 |
395 | I couldn't find the baby monitor so I had to improvise | 1.3920 | 0.04490 | 199 | 137 | 46 | 16 |
396 | His first word: testing! | 1.3904 | 0.04690 | 187 | 130 | 41 | 16 |
397 | And another thing: what's with nipples on men? | 1.3904 | 0.04690 | 187 | 130 | 41 | 16 |
398 | What's the deal with parents? Am I right? | 1.3900 | 0.04415 | 200 | 137 | 48 | 15 |
399 | All I said was "you could grow up to be president" | 1.3895 | 0.04813 | 190 | 135 | 36 | 19 |
400 | He said he would waive the 2 bottle minimum. | 1.3892 | 0.04534 | 185 | 126 | 46 | 13 |
401 | Wait ‘til you hear his stance on immigration reform. It’s adorable! | 1.3892 | 0.04724 | 185 | 129 | 40 | 16 |
402 | When you said he was standing up I didn't realize you meant he was doing stand-up! | 1.3892 | 0.04724 | 185 | 129 | 40 | 16 |
403 | Show of hands, how many folks here are my folks? | 1.3892 | 0.04469 | 185 | 125 | 48 | 12 |
404 | His podcast in baby talk gibberish has gone viral among Trump supporters." | 1.3892 | 0.04907 | 185 | 132 | 34 | 19 |
405 | He's running on a platform of universal snacks and raising the minimum bedtime. | 1.3892 | 0.04403 | 185 | 124 | 50 | 11 |
406 | My mama’s so old that her breast milk is actually powder. | 1.3892 | 0.04967 | 185 | 133 | 32 | 20 |
407 | What’s with parents? Is the Hokey Pokey really what it’s all about? | 1.3886 | 0.04642 | 193 | 135 | 41 | 17 |
408 | PROMISE, I'LL NEVER WATCH THE DEBATES WHEN I AM PREGNANT AGAIN . | 1.3886 | 0.04813 | 193 | 138 | 35 | 20 |
409 | Anyway, my blanket left me. | 1.3874 | 0.04307 | 191 | 128 | 52 | 11 |
410 | We knew he'd stand up by now, but he already has a solid 10 minutes of material! | 1.3866 | 0.04199 | 194 | 129 | 55 | 10 |
411 | He’s funny, but he has a bit of a potty mouth. | 1.3866 | 0.04505 | 194 | 134 | 45 | 15 |
412 | I’ll be right back after a word with my sponsors. | 1.3862 | 0.04649 | 189 | 132 | 41 | 16 |
413 | Throw tantrums, it shows that you're winning. | 1.3862 | 0.04649 | 189 | 132 | 41 | 16 |
414 | Our little Ted talks! | 1.3862 | 0.04464 | 189 | 129 | 47 | 13 |
415 | Filibustering is just a phase, dear. He'll call you 'dada' any day now. | 1.3862 | 0.04137 | 189 | 124 | 57 | 8 |
416 | Ha! Those in utero jokes crack me up every time. | 1.3862 | 0.04527 | 189 | 130 | 45 | 14 |
417 | What is he running for? He can't even walk! | 1.3862 | 0.04769 | 189 | 134 | 37 | 18 |
418 | Honey, it was his first address without crib notes! | 1.3862 | 0.04464 | 189 | 129 | 47 | 13 |
419 | If anyone is listening, I would like to go to the bathroom" | 1.3862 | 0.04588 | 189 | 131 | 43 | 15 |
420 | I owe my whole standup career and dry bottom to my next guests. | 1.3862 | 0.04464 | 189 | 129 | 47 | 13 |
421 | Overboard bear, full diaper, ain't nuthin but the blues. | 1.3862 | 0.04271 | 189 | 126 | 53 | 10 |
422 | It's his podcast show "Crib Notes". | 1.3862 | 0.04464 | 189 | 129 | 47 | 13 |
423 | I accept your nomination for a second term as President of the United States. | 1.3862 | 0.04527 | 189 | 130 | 45 | 14 |
424 | To tell you the truth, I never liked Tigger. He was low intelligence and his fur smelled like a wet diaper | 1.3862 | 0.04827 | 189 | 135 | 35 | 19 |
425 | Aw, honey, his first words." " Yeah but 'Nessun dorma'? What does that even mean? | 1.3862 | 0.04649 | 189 | 132 | 41 | 16 |
426 | ... so I asked mom why she insists that I call the mailman Uncle Mike ... just joking Dad (ba-da-boom)... Thank you everyone, I'll be here all week... and for the next 17 or 18 years by the way... hey, is this an audience or a finger painting? | 1.3862 | 0.04400 | 189 | 128 | 49 | 12 |
427 | Why not? There's an infant in the White House now. | 1.3862 | 0.04588 | 189 | 131 | 43 | 15 |
428 | Our son will be the second toddler president! | 1.3854 | 0.04828 | 192 | 138 | 34 | 20 |
429 | He may have your set up but his delivery is all mine. | 1.3850 | 0.04495 | 187 | 128 | 46 | 13 |
430 | Thank you! Thank you! I’ll be up all night! | 1.3842 | 0.04318 | 190 | 128 | 51 | 11 |
431 | …Any parents here tonight? | 1.3838 | 0.04591 | 185 | 128 | 43 | 14 |
432 | I thought the doctor said standing at 8 months, not stand up. | 1.3830 | 0.04601 | 188 | 131 | 42 | 15 |
433 | He's already demagoguing at a 4th-grade level! | 1.3830 | 0.04842 | 188 | 135 | 34 | 19 |
434 | So two teletubies and a Rabbi go into a bar.... | 1.3830 | 0.04412 | 188 | 128 | 48 | 12 |
435 | Take my parents for example, no really take them! | 1.3830 | 0.04539 | 188 | 130 | 44 | 14 |
436 | If you want to record baby's first sounds, put the microphone on the other end. | 1.3830 | 0.04783 | 188 | 134 | 36 | 18 |
437 | He sings "Highway to Hell" one more time and I am going to throttle him. | 1.3830 | 0.04723 | 188 | 133 | 38 | 17 |
438 | And so I say, ‘That’s not a bottle! That’s my mother!’ You’ve been a great crowd, New York! Goodnight! | 1.3830 | 0.04347 | 188 | 127 | 50 | 11 |
439 | He nailed the stand up part. If only he'd written some material. | 1.3817 | 0.04634 | 186 | 130 | 41 | 15 |
440 | And...give it up for my parents! They'll be here indefinitely! | 1.3817 | 0.04507 | 186 | 128 | 45 | 13 |
441 | And he's already got more followers than Mike Pence! | 1.3817 | 0.04879 | 186 | 134 | 33 | 19 |
442 | My God! He can’t walk, but he’s already doing stand-up. | 1.3817 | 0.04507 | 186 | 128 | 45 | 13 |
443 | It's so sweet - he's waived the two drink minimum for us! | 1.3817 | 0.04696 | 186 | 131 | 39 | 16 |
444 | With the extent of his vocabulary he could be president right now. | 1.3817 | 0.04696 | 186 | 131 | 39 | 16 |
445 | Da..da? Is there a Dada in the audience? | 1.3817 | 0.04507 | 186 | 128 | 45 | 13 |
446 | Did you hear that, Honey? His first words...' bone spurs' " | 1.3817 | 0.04758 | 186 | 132 | 37 | 17 |
447 | Thank you for watching my TED Talk | 1.3817 | 0.04634 | 186 | 130 | 41 | 15 |
448 | I always knew he'd do stand-up before he'd walk. | 1.3817 | 0.04309 | 186 | 125 | 51 | 10 |
449 | I just flew into town and boy is my stork tired! | 1.3817 | 0.04507 | 186 | 128 | 45 | 13 |
450 | Finally a comedian that can't complain about their childhood! | 1.3817 | 0.04634 | 186 | 130 | 41 | 15 |
451 | I'm announcing my candidacy for the 2020 election. It's not fair the the Republicans already have a baby on their side. | 1.3810 | 0.04642 | 189 | 133 | 40 | 16 |
452 | Emily's baby wasn't live-casting till 1 1/2! | 1.3804 | 0.04731 | 184 | 130 | 38 | 16 |
453 | Oh sure, when his opening joke needs changing he's MY son. | 1.3801 | 0.04987 | 171 | 122 | 33 | 16 |
454 | I see my dinner has arrived. Be back in 10 for my Sinatra medley. | 1.3793 | 0.04646 | 174 | 120 | 42 | 12 |
455 | His stand-up routine is great, but he cries when he gets heckled. | 1.3791 | 0.04571 | 182 | 126 | 43 | 13 |
456 | That's the best State of the Room address he's ever given! | 1.3778 | 0.04605 | 180 | 125 | 42 | 13 |
457 | If he's going to keep us awake, at least he puts on a show. | 1.3778 | 0.04605 | 180 | 125 | 42 | 13 |
458 | And now ladies and gentleman, hailing all the way from dinner, please welcome Mom's boyfriend and my new father! | 1.3778 | 0.04605 | 180 | 125 | 42 | 13 |
459 | You can't let him watch Fox News anymore. | 1.3778 | 0.04737 | 180 | 127 | 38 | 15 |
460 | Thank you. Thank you. I'll be here until I'm 18. | 1.3778 | 0.04326 | 180 | 121 | 50 | 9 |
461 | You're right, he does look like Winston Churchill. | 1.3778 | 0.04737 | 180 | 127 | 38 | 15 |
462 | Look Honey! His first public apology! | 1.3778 | 0.04537 | 180 | 124 | 44 | 12 |
463 | Oh Look! Another future world leader with tiny hands ! | 1.3778 | 0.04802 | 180 | 128 | 36 | 16 |
464 | I thought he could only do lie-down comedy. | 1.3778 | 0.04254 | 180 | 120 | 52 | 8 |
465 | Now that I have your attention my diaper needs some! | 1.3778 | 0.04398 | 180 | 122 | 48 | 10 |
466 | Take my parents, please | 1.3771 | 0.04624 | 175 | 121 | 42 | 12 |
467 | Thank you. I’ll be here all night. At least, that’s what my parents are hoping. | 1.3770 | 0.04551 | 183 | 127 | 43 | 13 |
468 | I TOLD you 'Mike' was the perfect name for him. | 1.3765 | 0.04716 | 170 | 118 | 40 | 12 |
469 | He's looking more presidential every day. | 1.3765 | 0.04642 | 170 | 117 | 42 | 11 |
470 | He's babbling! Oh honey, he's ready for politics! | 1.3765 | 0.04862 | 170 | 120 | 36 | 14 |
471 | Covfefe? Whatever could he mean? | 1.3765 | 0.05003 | 170 | 122 | 32 | 16 |
472 | ...and so, I'm happy to announce that I am running for president of the United States. | 1.3764 | 0.04706 | 178 | 125 | 39 | 14 |
473 | Introducing: Baby Gaga! | 1.3757 | 0.04650 | 181 | 127 | 40 | 14 |
474 | I'll be here all night, folks. | 1.3743 | 0.04549 | 179 | 124 | 43 | 12 |
475 | He looks so ...electable !! | 1.3743 | 0.04479 | 179 | 123 | 45 | 11 |
476 | Yo, welcome to my crib, with a shout out to my genetic antecedents. | 1.3743 | 0.04751 | 179 | 127 | 37 | 15 |
477 | And to my parents, if it wasn’t for you I wouldn’t be here. This one’s for you! | 1.3743 | 0.04549 | 179 | 124 | 43 | 12 |
478 | Well you try to put together a stand-up act with a three-word vocabulary.” | 1.3743 | 0.04549 | 179 | 124 | 43 | 12 |
479 | He can do stand-up as long as he's holding on to something! | 1.3743 | 0.04617 | 179 | 125 | 41 | 13 |
480 | Take my crib ... please | 1.3743 | 0.04408 | 179 | 122 | 47 | 10 |
481 | Look...It’s Jim & Carole! Get a room you two...why, because I want a sibling. But seriously, folks... | 1.3743 | 0.04909 | 171 | 122 | 34 | 15 |
482 | Thank you, folks! I’ll pee here all week! | 1.3736 | 0.04759 | 182 | 130 | 36 | 16 |
483 | I think we're his next guests. | 1.3736 | 0.04341 | 174 | 117 | 49 | 8 |
484 | So, a priest, a rabbi and an imam walk into a maternity ward . . . | 1.3728 | 0.05088 | 169 | 123 | 29 | 17 |
485 | Yep, he’s a natural politician. I knew it when I saw him with his foot in his mouth. | 1.3728 | 0.05019 | 169 | 122 | 31 | 16 |
486 | I’m gonna need more reverb and a little more ME in the monitor please. | 1.3728 | 0.04617 | 169 | 119 | 38 | 12 |
487 | Take a picture, photoshop in an audience, and we can buy our way into any elite preschool. | 1.3728 | 0.04948 | 169 | 121 | 33 | 15 |
488 | When you told me our baby was trying stand up this was not what i expected | 1.3728 | 0.04804 | 169 | 119 | 37 | 13 |
489 | I know he’s just trying to avoid bedtime, but it’s his first campaign speech! | 1.3728 | 0.04501 | 169 | 115 | 45 | 9 |
490 | Thanks a lot, folks; I’ll be here for the next 25 years. | 1.3728 | 0.04876 | 169 | 120 | 35 | 14 |
491 | A clown, a juggler and a puppeteer walk into an ice cream parlour... | 1.3714 | 0.04755 | 175 | 124 | 37 | 14 |
492 | He just gets better with age... | 1.3714 | 0.04471 | 175 | 120 | 45 | 10 |
493 | President Buttigieg's parents watch him deliver his first speech to the American people. | 1.3714 | 0.04543 | 175 | 121 | 43 | 11 |
494 | Oh, honey, isn’t it great? We can add public speaking to the Little Sunflower Preschool application! | 1.3714 | 0.04471 | 175 | 120 | 45 | 10 |
495 | He’s so gifted. No teleprompter. | 1.3714 | 0.04615 | 175 | 122 | 41 | 12 |
496 | Wasn’t that just the most amazing rendition of “The Wheels on the Bus” you’ve ever heard? | 1.3714 | 0.04824 | 175 | 125 | 35 | 15 |
497 | ‘Ice cream for all’ sounds great, but how is he going to pay for it? | 1.3713 | 0.04613 | 167 | 115 | 42 | 10 |
498 | We need a clean up on aisle one. | 1.3713 | 0.04766 | 167 | 117 | 38 | 12 |
499 | ‘Sure, he’s funny, but the material is a little infantile for my taste.’ | 1.3713 | 0.04613 | 167 | 115 | 42 | 10 |
500 | Oh, honey. He wants tanks for the Fourth of July! | 1.3713 | 0.04988 | 167 | 120 | 32 | 15 |
501 | How cute! His first words... ‘Hello, hello. Is this damn thing on?’ | 1.3713 | 0.04766 | 167 | 117 | 38 | 12 |
502 | What's the deal with breastfeeding? I mean, you're not feeding the breast... | 1.3713 | 0.04915 | 167 | 119 | 34 | 14 |
503 | Baby's first words - is this thing on? | 1.3713 | 0.04842 | 167 | 118 | 36 | 13 |
504 | Thank you! I’ll be here till bedtime. Try the milk. | 1.3713 | 0.04613 | 167 | 115 | 42 | 10 |
505 | He's weak on abortion, but I love his plan for free daycare. | 1.3713 | 0.04915 | 167 | 119 | 34 | 14 |
506 | Wait! I think he’s going to deliver his first incoherent diatribe! | 1.3713 | 0.04915 | 167 | 119 | 34 | 14 |
507 | Thank goodness! He supports cradle to grave Medicare. | 1.3713 | 0.04915 | 167 | 119 | 34 | 14 |
508 | Look-he does standup. | 1.3713 | 0.04690 | 167 | 116 | 40 | 11 |
509 | I can't believe our son is Trump's new Interim Secretary of Defense! And you said that mobile was a waste of money! | 1.3713 | 0.04613 | 167 | 115 | 42 | 10 |
510 | And the doctah says,"Why are YOU cryin'? I gotta clean up this mess!" | 1.3713 | 0.04988 | 167 | 120 | 32 | 15 |
511 | I liked his earlier work better. | 1.3699 | 0.04577 | 173 | 120 | 42 | 11 |
512 | Hopefully his big mouth will compensate for his small hands someday. | 1.3699 | 0.04930 | 173 | 125 | 32 | 16 |
513 | He may seem immature at times, but at least he says what he thinks. | 1.3699 | 0.04503 | 173 | 119 | 44 | 10 |
514 | And if elected, I promise you there will be no more mandatory nap times... | 1.3699 | 0.04792 | 173 | 123 | 36 | 14 |
515 | Sorry about the tantrum earlier. It turns out my mom's been sleeping with my dad. | 1.3699 | 0.04721 | 173 | 122 | 38 | 13 |
516 | And I love the way he just pardoned himself! | 1.3699 | 0.04427 | 173 | 118 | 46 | 9 |
517 | Alexa! Call CPS - i am being held captive in a cell! | 1.3697 | 0.04955 | 165 | 118 | 33 | 14 |
518 | Look, honey. He went right from crawling to stand up. | 1.3690 | 0.04590 | 168 | 116 | 42 | 10 |
519 | He's already graduated from potty humor to observational. | 1.3690 | 0.04891 | 168 | 120 | 34 | 14 |
520 | See? I told you he would run before he could crawl. | 1.3684 | 0.04684 | 171 | 120 | 39 | 12 |
521 | Early retirement here we come. | 1.3684 | 0.04610 | 171 | 119 | 41 | 11 |
522 | Thanks folks, you're the best. I'm here for 35 years. Try the veal. | 1.3684 | 0.04684 | 171 | 120 | 39 | 12 |
523 | Welcome to the next episode of "Tales from the Crib" | 1.3684 | 0.04900 | 171 | 123 | 33 | 15 |
524 | His first daddy roast. | 1.3681 | 0.04434 | 163 | 110 | 46 | 7 |
525 | We'll call his podcast "Crib Notes." | 1.3678 | 0.04838 | 174 | 125 | 34 | 15 |
526 | Hello, and welcome to my BED Talk | 1.3678 | 0.04769 | 174 | 124 | 36 | 14 |
527 | My parents scolded me last night. I have to tell you they are both losers. And my mother is a nasty woman. Lock her up! | 1.3669 | 0.04645 | 169 | 118 | 40 | 11 |
528 | Keep smiling, he hasn't noticed it's not plugged in. | 1.3659 | 0.04579 | 164 | 113 | 42 | 9 |
529 | Thank you. I'll be here for the next 18-26 years. | 1.3659 | 0.05045 | 164 | 119 | 30 | 15 |
530 | His applesauce routine is hilarious! | 1.3659 | 0.04579 | 164 | 113 | 42 | 9 |
531 | Initially I said he was too young, but he did so well in the first debate. | 1.3659 | 0.04497 | 164 | 112 | 44 | 8 |
532 | ...and finally, I want to thank my teddy bear and pacifier for their continued support and encouragement during the filming of this documentary .... | 1.3659 | 0.04660 | 164 | 114 | 40 | 10 |
533 | And now for my weekly podcast, From the Crib. | 1.3659 | 0.04660 | 164 | 114 | 40 | 10 |
534 | Just wait till you hear his bit about potty training! | 1.3659 | 0.04740 | 164 | 115 | 38 | 11 |
535 | Isn't this wonderfully American—amplifying the voices of people who have nothing to say! | 1.3659 | 0.05045 | 164 | 119 | 30 | 15 |
536 | He's about to say the darndest thing, I just know it! | 1.3659 | 0.04818 | 164 | 116 | 36 | 12 |
537 | You can never start too early apologizing for youthful indiscretions. | 1.3659 | 0.04660 | 164 | 114 | 40 | 10 |
538 | It doesn't have to make sense. He's practicing to be President one day. | 1.3659 | 0.04660 | 164 | 114 | 40 | 10 |
539 | He is so presidential! | 1.3659 | 0.04895 | 164 | 117 | 34 | 13 |
540 | At this stage it’s mostly observational. | 1.3653 | 0.04680 | 167 | 117 | 39 | 11 |
541 | I never would have guessed his first word would be ‘impeachment.’ | 1.3648 | 0.05002 | 159 | 114 | 32 | 13 |
542 | His first F-bomb! | 1.3642 | 0.04921 | 173 | 126 | 31 | 16 |
543 | Honey, he's "Live From the Crib" again! | 1.3636 | 0.04557 | 165 | 114 | 42 | 9 |
544 | Let's welcome the people who made all this possible ! A big hand for my Mom and Dad! | 1.3636 | 0.04794 | 165 | 117 | 36 | 12 |
545 | Oh honey, our baby is the funniest comedian behind bars since Bill Cosby | 1.3620 | 0.04909 | 163 | 117 | 33 | 13 |
546 | Thanks- I’m here all night. | 1.3618 | 0.04988 | 152 | 108 | 33 | 11 |
547 | I’d like to thank my parents for coming. | 1.3618 | 0.04900 | 152 | 107 | 35 | 10 |
548 | He said he took one small step for Mom. | 1.3618 | 0.05074 | 152 | 109 | 31 | 12 |
549 | Welcome to my crib. | 1.3618 | 0.04988 | 152 | 108 | 33 | 11 |
550 | I know it's a shock, dear. But we have to think positive. If he has a knack for politics, he'll never have to work a day in his life. | 1.3602 | 0.04708 | 161 | 113 | 38 | 10 |
551 | His first alternative fact! | 1.3585 | 0.04574 | 159 | 110 | 41 | 8 |
552 | I told you he shouldn't have watched the debates with us. | 1.3585 | 0.04745 | 159 | 112 | 37 | 10 |
553 | His first crib-side address! | 1.3585 | 0.04574 | 159 | 110 | 41 | 8 |
554 | His first words were check one two. | 1.3585 | 0.04828 | 159 | 113 | 35 | 11 |
555 | He's already polling ahead of Marianne Williamson! | 1.3585 | 0.04574 | 159 | 110 | 41 | 8 |
556 | Isn't that precious? He just promised Mexico will pay for the bars on his crib. | 1.3585 | 0.04828 | 159 | 113 | 35 | 11 |
557 | And now I’d like to thank all the little people. | 1.3585 | 0.04574 | 159 | 110 | 41 | 8 |
558 | She sighed and they".......I'm afraid I'll have to finish this story later. You know who just came into the nursery | 1.3585 | 0.04745 | 159 | 112 | 37 | 10 |
559 | Thank you! I'm here until i'm 18. Be sure to tip my parents. | 1.3585 | 0.04661 | 159 | 111 | 39 | 9 |
560 | Just last week I saw him jotting down ideas for his first word! | 1.3585 | 0.04745 | 159 | 112 | 37 | 10 |
561 | Heeeer's Mommy! | 1.3580 | 0.04766 | 162 | 115 | 36 | 11 |
562 | Oh look, honey! Junior just shut down his first heckler! | 1.3580 | 0.04684 | 162 | 114 | 38 | 10 |
563 | Soon he'll be tweeting! | 1.3580 | 0.04766 | 162 | 115 | 36 | 11 |
564 | I don’t understand the lyrics, but I think it’s a hit for his generation! | 1.3580 | 0.04766 | 162 | 115 | 36 | 11 |
565 | He’s taking his new baby monitor to the next level. | 1.3567 | 0.04697 | 157 | 110 | 38 | 9 |
566 | Oh, honey! He's learned to stand-up all by himself! | 1.3567 | 0.04697 | 157 | 110 | 38 | 9 |
567 | Look at Mike stand! | 1.3567 | 0.05113 | 157 | 115 | 28 | 14 |
568 | Look - he's a social media prodigy. We can pre-enroll him in any kindergarten. | 1.3567 | 0.04697 | 157 | 110 | 38 | 9 |
569 | How wet IS it? | 1.3567 | 0.05032 | 157 | 114 | 30 | 13 |
570 | Okay, that's it: no more Fox News for Kids. | 1.3567 | 0.04867 | 157 | 112 | 34 | 11 |
571 | My next song is a little number by the Supremes called Baby Love. | 1.3562 | 0.04637 | 160 | 112 | 39 | 9 |
572 | I told you we didn't need a baby monitor. | 1.3562 | 0.04964 | 160 | 116 | 31 | 13 |
573 | For my next act I will potty train myself | 1.3562 | 0.04721 | 160 | 113 | 37 | 10 |
574 | He's got the hands of a president too..... | 1.3562 | 0.04964 | 160 | 116 | 31 | 13 |
575 | They usually don’t start media training for another six months. | 1.3562 | 0.04551 | 160 | 111 | 41 | 8 |
576 | Yes it’s childish, but it’s his first TED Talk! | 1.3562 | 0.04551 | 160 | 111 | 41 | 8 |
577 | Remember it’s a two bottle minimum. | 1.3562 | 0.04637 | 160 | 112 | 39 | 9 |
578 | Welcome to this episode of Cribs. Notice I've replaced my wildlife decor with a transportation theme. | 1.3562 | 0.04884 | 160 | 115 | 33 | 12 |
579 | Oh Honey...he looks so presidential! | 1.3562 | 0.04884 | 160 | 115 | 33 | 12 |
580 | Shh... He's about to announce his first words | 1.3562 | 0.04721 | 160 | 113 | 37 | 10 |
581 | Oh,Honey I think he's getting ready to talk! | 1.3562 | 0.04964 | 160 | 116 | 31 | 13 |
582 | Don't interrupt him. I wanna hear what his platform is. | 1.3562 | 0.04721 | 160 | 113 | 37 | 10 |
583 | I'll worry if he starts building hotels. | 1.3562 | 0.04964 | 160 | 116 | 31 | 13 |
584 | Aw, how cute. He thinks he can make a difference. | 1.3548 | 0.04992 | 155 | 112 | 31 | 12 |
585 | Look, his first TED Talk! | 1.3548 | 0.04734 | 155 | 109 | 37 | 9 |
586 | Move over Chris Matthews. He just pronounced Mayor Pete's name correctly. | 1.3537 | 0.04710 | 147 | 102 | 38 | 7 |
587 | Why are there modes of transportation hanging above my bed? It’s like, I just got here, and my parents are already telling me to leave. | 1.3529 | 0.04771 | 153 | 108 | 36 | 9 |
588 | I'm more worried about where he got the microphone. | 1.3529 | 0.04861 | 153 | 109 | 34 | 10 |
589 | He's taking this monitor camera a little too seriously. | 1.3529 | 0.04948 | 153 | 110 | 32 | 11 |
590 | I couldn’t have done it without my mother | 1.3529 | 0.04771 | 153 | 108 | 36 | 9 |
591 | And he said ‘who’s that lady?’ And I said, ‘that’s no lady, that’s my Mom’... | 1.3526 | 0.04965 | 156 | 113 | 31 | 12 |
592 | I would like to start by thanking my parents for their support over the months. | 1.3526 | 0.04881 | 156 | 112 | 33 | 11 |
593 | Well, he's got a face for radio... | 1.3526 | 0.04709 | 156 | 110 | 37 | 9 |
594 | I know he's young honey but his ideas are much better than anyone they've got so far. | 1.3526 | 0.04965 | 156 | 113 | 31 | 12 |
595 | Oh John, Look. Another Democrat candidate for President in 2020! | 1.3526 | 0.05288 | 156 | 117 | 23 | 16 |
596 | I want to give a shout out to my parents who are in the audience tonight. | 1.3526 | 0.04796 | 156 | 111 | 35 | 10 |
597 | We're just in time for his opening monologue! | 1.3526 | 0.04965 | 156 | 113 | 31 | 12 |
598 | He stinks, but at least not like a dirty diaper | 1.3526 | 0.05048 | 156 | 114 | 29 | 13 |
599 | I love his bit about object permanence. | 1.3526 | 0.04965 | 156 | 113 | 31 | 12 |
600 | I don't know about collusion but based on that smell coming from his diaper I could have told him there was no obstruction. | 1.3526 | 0.05048 | 156 | 114 | 29 | 13 |
601 | Honey, shouldn’t preschool come before the primaries? | 1.3526 | 0.04965 | 156 | 113 | 31 | 12 |
602 | Just think, he'll be only the second baby to give The State of the Union Address! | 1.3526 | 0.04965 | 156 | 113 | 31 | 12 |
603 | Just think what he can do once we get him a TelePrompTer. | 1.3526 | 0.04620 | 156 | 109 | 39 | 8 |
604 | And what’s the deal with bedtime? | 1.3526 | 0.04796 | 156 | 111 | 35 | 10 |
605 | I'd like to thank my mom, my dad, and my fingers. I can always count on them. | 1.3526 | 0.04881 | 156 | 112 | 33 | 11 |
606 | How cute! His first TED talk! | 1.3526 | 0.04965 | 156 | 113 | 31 | 12 |
607 | Oh, honey! He says he is resigning to spend more time with his family! | 1.3526 | 0.04881 | 156 | 112 | 33 | 11 |
608 | Please welcome, all the way from their bedroom, Mom and Dad! | 1.3526 | 0.04620 | 156 | 109 | 39 | 8 |
609 | Be patient! He always saves Twinkle Twinkle for the encore | 1.3526 | 0.04709 | 156 | 110 | 37 | 9 |
610 | Well, there is a precedent for a baby president... | 1.3510 | 0.05249 | 151 | 112 | 25 | 14 |
611 | I was OK with him looking like your Dad, but I'm not sure how I feel about him singing like your Dad. | 1.3506 | 0.04921 | 154 | 111 | 32 | 11 |
612 | See, I told you. He's doing it without a teleprompter now! | 1.3506 | 0.05007 | 154 | 112 | 30 | 12 |
613 | Yo momma so dumb, she took a ruler to bed to see how long I slept. | 1.3503 | 0.05020 | 157 | 115 | 29 | 13 |
614 | With all that talent I'm starting to wonder if he's really yours. | 1.3503 | 0.04938 | 157 | 114 | 31 | 12 |
615 | Phyllis, I'll take that milk now." | 1.3503 | 0.04938 | 157 | 114 | 31 | 12 |
616 | His first word, YUGE! | 1.3487 | 0.04874 | 152 | 109 | 33 | 10 |
617 | Little did they know, Donald’s hands would not develop with the rest of his body. | 1.3487 | 0.05384 | 152 | 115 | 21 | 16 |
618 | Honey, don’t you think that that’s a lot of pressure for his first word? | 1.3487 | 0.05049 | 152 | 111 | 29 | 12 |
619 | D... Da... Deport Trump! | 1.3487 | 0.04874 | 152 | 109 | 33 | 10 |
620 | Oh look sweetheart. Baby Donald is pretending to be president again! | 1.3487 | 0.05135 | 152 | 112 | 27 | 13 |
621 | He’s got a tight seven minutes, I just hope he can get beyond the potty material. | 1.3487 | 0.04253 | 152 | 105 | 42 | 5 |
622 | Look, dear, he's an anchor baby! | 1.3487 | 0.05049 | 152 | 111 | 29 | 12 |
623 | Watch! This time he'll do it without the teleprompter! | 1.3487 | 0.04962 | 152 | 110 | 31 | 11 |
624 | Honey, what else do we need to do to get him into college? | 1.3487 | 0.04874 | 152 | 109 | 33 | 10 |
625 | And you said all that George Carlin in the womb was a waste of time! | 1.3487 | 0.04692 | 152 | 107 | 37 | 8 |
626 | See? I told you he could stand up! | 1.3487 | 0.04598 | 152 | 106 | 39 | 7 |
627 | And I thought that stuff only came out of the other end. | 1.3484 | 0.04980 | 155 | 113 | 30 | 12 |
628 | Ok, “Mr. President”, it’s time for you to get some rest. | 1.3484 | 0.04539 | 155 | 108 | 40 | 7 |
629 | His first press conference, and he can already say, "I didn't drop that teddy bear. It's not even my kind of teddy bear." | 1.3484 | 0.05226 | 155 | 116 | 24 | 15 |
630 | I think it's time to mention I used a performing artist sperm bank. | 1.3478 | 0.05107 | 138 | 99 | 30 | 9 |
631 | And that's a wrap from Crib News ... Good Night! | 1.3475 | 0.05031 | 141 | 101 | 31 | 9 |
632 | I was trying to teach him TO stand up. | 1.3472 | 0.04656 | 144 | 100 | 38 | 6 |
633 | We're his first hecklers! | 1.3467 | 0.05004 | 150 | 109 | 30 | 11 |
634 | Ok, Folks--that's my bedtime! | 1.3467 | 0.05180 | 150 | 111 | 26 | 13 |
635 | He a better speaker than our president. | 1.3467 | 0.05093 | 150 | 110 | 28 | 12 |
636 | He's a barely stand-up comedian! | 1.3464 | 0.04180 | 153 | 103 | 47 | 3 |
637 | When our baby wanted to stand up, I didn't think he'd take it this seriously. | 1.3453 | 0.05076 | 139 | 100 | 30 | 9 |
638 | This was what he meant by “Me, stand up!” all this time! | 1.3453 | 0.05178 | 139 | 101 | 28 | 10 |
639 | I knew replacing breast milk with whiskey on the rocks was a good idea! | 1.3453 | 0.05076 | 139 | 100 | 30 | 9 |
640 | No dear, open binky night is Wednesday. | 1.3453 | 0.05178 | 139 | 101 | 28 | 10 |
641 | Listen, honey! How cute! His first words were ‘Hello, hello... Is this damn thing on?’ | 1.3453 | 0.05277 | 139 | 102 | 26 | 11 |
642 | You have to hear his bit about airplane food. | 1.3453 | 0.05277 | 139 | 102 | 26 | 11 |
643 | Look! Billy is doing stand-up! | 1.3453 | 0.04972 | 139 | 99 | 32 | 8 |
644 | The rumors I did a booboo are fake news! | 1.3453 | 0.05178 | 139 | 101 | 28 | 10 |
645 | Walking can wait. Let him perfect his stand-up, first. | 1.3453 | 0.05178 | 139 | 101 | 28 | 10 |
646 | My diaper needs to be changed and it is YUUGE. | 1.3453 | 0.05471 | 139 | 104 | 22 | 13 |
647 | My opponent says I pooped my pants... I tell you, it's my opponent who poops his pants! | 1.3453 | 0.05375 | 139 | 103 | 24 | 12 |
648 | Just imagine, another Toddler in Chief. | 1.3453 | 0.05178 | 139 | 101 | 28 | 10 |
649 | Wewcome to my podcast, where I expwore topics at the intersection of powitics and pop culture. | 1.3453 | 0.05076 | 139 | 100 | 30 | 9 |
650 | I’m not saying it because he’s our son. That was “Hey Jude.” | 1.3453 | 0.05076 | 139 | 100 | 30 | 9 |
651 | He's more articulate than the president! | 1.3453 | 0.05375 | 139 | 103 | 24 | 12 |
652 | My Teddy Talk started promptly at 5AM. She stays. You’re fired! | 1.3453 | 0.04972 | 139 | 99 | 32 | 8 |
653 | Ich bin ein pacifier | 1.3453 | 0.05178 | 139 | 101 | 28 | 10 |
654 | He looks more like Churchill every day! | 1.3453 | 0.05178 | 139 | 101 | 28 | 10 |
655 | He’s a voice for those behind bars! | 1.3453 | 0.04972 | 139 | 99 | 32 | 8 |
656 | He's headlining at the daycare all next week. | 1.3446 | 0.04468 | 148 | 102 | 41 | 5 |
657 | The bedtime routine is my favorite one. | 1.3446 | 0.04955 | 148 | 107 | 31 | 10 |
658 | Let's make this nursery great again. | 1.3446 | 0.05226 | 148 | 110 | 25 | 13 |
659 | Calm down Rita. Of course he sounds smarter than the President. | 1.3446 | 0.05226 | 148 | 110 | 25 | 13 |
660 | Early campaigning has gotten out of control | 1.3446 | 0.05047 | 148 | 108 | 29 | 11 |
661 | Wow, he’s doing stand-up! | 1.3446 | 0.05047 | 148 | 108 | 29 | 11 |
662 | I told him to imagine the audience in diapers. | 1.3446 | 0.05047 | 148 | 108 | 29 | 11 |
663 | He sleeps so much better since he put in the two-drink minimum. | 1.3446 | 0.05226 | 148 | 110 | 25 | 13 |
664 | This next one goes out to a very special lady . . . | 1.3446 | 0.04569 | 148 | 103 | 39 | 6 |
665 | Did you hear that, he just said Pete Buttigieg not Mayor Pete. | 1.3446 | 0.04862 | 148 | 106 | 33 | 9 |
666 | Well this is a surprise,audience. Would you like to meet my mom and dad? | 1.3446 | 0.04862 | 148 | 106 | 33 | 9 |
667 | If we all stand together these cages will be a thing of the past. | 1.3446 | 0.04955 | 148 | 107 | 31 | 10 |
668 | I’d like to thank my mom, my dad, and especially Teddy who could not make it to the stage tonight. | 1.3446 | 0.04569 | 148 | 103 | 39 | 6 |
669 | Honey, Baby Donald just told his first lie! | 1.3446 | 0.05314 | 148 | 111 | 23 | 14 |
670 | I know they say all babies go at their own pace, but I was starting to think he'd NEVER start a podcast. | 1.3446 | 0.05047 | 148 | 108 | 29 | 11 |
671 | He's very advanced. Most children don't grasp "plausible deniability' until much later. | 1.3446 | 0.05138 | 148 | 109 | 27 | 12 |
672 | I’’ll be here all night! | 1.3446 | 0.04766 | 148 | 105 | 35 | 8 |
673 | I prefer his tweets. | 1.3446 | 0.04862 | 148 | 106 | 33 | 9 |
674 | So, Mickey Mouse, Winnie-the-Pooh, and Donald Duck walk into a bar . . . | 1.3446 | 0.04766 | 148 | 105 | 35 | 8 |
675 | See! He just needed a reason to stand! | 1.3446 | 0.04766 | 148 | 105 | 35 | 8 |
676 | Be patient, he's doing a sound check." | 1.3446 | 0.04955 | 148 | 107 | 31 | 10 |
677 | Ooh, look - he’s getting his flyover! | 1.3446 | 0.04569 | 148 | 103 | 39 | 6 |
678 | Did you hear that, honey?! Our future president just uttered his first little phrase, "No collusion." | 1.3446 | 0.04955 | 148 | 107 | 31 | 10 |
679 | I think he may be a stable genius! | 1.3446 | 0.05226 | 148 | 110 | 25 | 13 |
680 | He’s been retained by the President as a speech writer! | 1.3446 | 0.04862 | 148 | 106 | 33 | 9 |
681 | A better speaker than the baby in the White House | 1.3446 | 0.05226 | 148 | 110 | 25 | 13 |
682 | Wow! Honey, it’s the president!! He sounds EXACTLY like him! | 1.3446 | 0.05047 | 148 | 108 | 29 | 11 |
683 | This week, my podcast guests will be ... Mom and Dad. Again. | 1.3446 | 0.04862 | 148 | 106 | 33 | 9 |
684 | This is what we get for leasing the end of his crib to ABC. | 1.3446 | 0.04955 | 148 | 107 | 31 | 10 |
685 | His positions aren't great, but his likeability is off the charts! | 1.3446 | 0.05047 | 148 | 108 | 29 | 11 |
686 | Look honey, he no longer needs the telepromter. | 1.3446 | 0.04862 | 148 | 106 | 33 | 9 |
687 | Isn’t it wonderful dear? His public speaking is already three grade levels above Trump’s! | 1.3446 | 0.05226 | 148 | 110 | 25 | 13 |
688 | Honey, We can retire. | 1.3446 | 0.04569 | 148 | 103 | 39 | 6 |
689 | I hope he stops acting like a toddler once he’s president | 1.3446 | 0.05047 | 148 | 108 | 29 | 11 |
690 | He's finding his voice! | 1.3431 | 0.05016 | 137 | 98 | 31 | 8 |
691 | Look, honey! His first stand-up! | 1.3431 | 0.05122 | 137 | 99 | 29 | 9 |
692 | Great, honey!! But next time, hold the bear and drop the mic.. | 1.3431 | 0.05225 | 137 | 100 | 27 | 10 |
693 | He's polling vey well in Iowa | 1.3431 | 0.05525 | 137 | 103 | 21 | 13 |
694 | For my next number...3 | 1.3431 | 0.05225 | 137 | 100 | 27 | 10 |
695 | Our baby is doing his first stand-up! | 1.3431 | 0.05225 | 137 | 100 | 27 | 10 |
696 | Oh look, Frank, Baby's about to announce his first word! | 1.3431 | 0.05016 | 137 | 98 | 31 | 8 |
697 | His elocution will be better once he gets teeth | 1.3431 | 0.05122 | 137 | 99 | 29 | 9 |
698 | Mom, these are the wrong type of bars. | 1.3431 | 0.05122 | 137 | 99 | 29 | 9 |
699 | How can you trust someone with such small hands? | 1.3431 | 0.05016 | 137 | 98 | 31 | 8 |
700 | He's a shoo-in for Daycare's Got Talent! | 1.3431 | 0.05122 | 137 | 99 | 29 | 9 |
701 | Omg! He’s already offering conditional, half-hearted apologies! | 1.3431 | 0.05122 | 137 | 99 | 29 | 9 |
702 | Now, if we can only understand what he is saying and why he’s always’s laughing at us ... | 1.3431 | 0.05122 | 137 | 99 | 29 | 9 |
703 | Look,he makes no sense...he could be president! | 1.3431 | 0.05427 | 137 | 102 | 23 | 12 |
704 | He learned to talk months ago but he's just now learning how to say nothing. | 1.3431 | 0.05327 | 137 | 101 | 25 | 11 |
705 | I told you it would make him want to stand up! | 1.3431 | 0.05225 | 137 | 100 | 27 | 10 |
706 | I was wondering when he'd standup, but this is something else! | 1.3425 | 0.05183 | 146 | 108 | 26 | 12 |
707 | Even if he's not funny, this is way better than sleep training. | 1.3425 | 0.05091 | 146 | 107 | 28 | 11 |
708 | His first public apology! | 1.3425 | 0.04902 | 146 | 105 | 32 | 9 |
709 | With his crying and whining, he’s got a great future in politics. | 1.3425 | 0.05091 | 146 | 107 | 28 | 11 |
710 | Thank you. And goodnight. | 1.3425 | 0.05183 | 146 | 108 | 26 | 12 |
711 | He's doing observational comedy at least six months ahead of schedule! | 1.3425 | 0.04805 | 146 | 104 | 34 | 8 |
712 | The flyover is good, but he insists on adding tanks to the crib before the press conference. | 1.3425 | 0.04998 | 146 | 106 | 30 | 10 |
713 | ...and the winner is,Daddy! Daddy gets to change my poopy diaper. | 1.3425 | 0.04706 | 146 | 103 | 36 | 7 |
714 | I wanted to get your attention. I just ordered a new crib from Alexa and a new brother from Siri. | 1.3425 | 0.05183 | 146 | 108 | 26 | 12 |
715 | Our little boy is such a stable genius! | 1.3425 | 0.05183 | 146 | 108 | 26 | 12 |
716 | Ask not what your diapers can do for you but rather ask what you can do to your diapers! | 1.3423 | 0.05108 | 149 | 110 | 27 | 12 |
717 | This place has a two-boob minimum. | 1.3423 | 0.05108 | 149 | 110 | 27 | 12 |
718 | This time, he's even memorized his crib notes. | 1.3403 | 0.05136 | 144 | 106 | 27 | 11 |
719 | He nailed that impression of you. | 1.3403 | 0.04844 | 144 | 103 | 33 | 8 |
720 | Oh look, his first public apology. | 1.3403 | 0.04844 | 144 | 103 | 33 | 8 |
721 | He’s finally doing stand up on his own. | 1.3403 | 0.04844 | 144 | 103 | 33 | 8 |
722 | I think he’s ready to be heckled | 1.3403 | 0.04743 | 144 | 102 | 35 | 7 |
723 | So what if it's juvenile, it's still stand-up! | 1.3403 | 0.04640 | 144 | 101 | 37 | 6 |
724 | Let's take it all away from him and see if he tweets about us! | 1.3403 | 0.04944 | 144 | 104 | 31 | 9 |
725 | Heh, heh, I'm here all night, folks! | 1.3403 | 0.05136 | 144 | 106 | 27 | 11 |
726 | I just crawled in from Toledo, and boy are my arms tired. | 1.3403 | 0.05230 | 144 | 107 | 25 | 12 |
727 | I think he'll do well in Iowa. | 1.3403 | 0.04743 | 144 | 102 | 35 | 7 |
728 | His baby impression is spot on. | 1.3403 | 0.05041 | 144 | 105 | 29 | 10 |
729 | He sounds just like his real father. | 1.3403 | 0.05136 | 144 | 106 | 27 | 11 |
730 | ... and now, with your money, he can be president. | 1.3403 | 0.04743 | 144 | 102 | 35 | 7 |
731 | He has the daycare vote locked in. | 1.3403 | 0.04640 | 144 | 101 | 37 | 6 |
732 | He's on the preschool debate team. | 1.3403 | 0.04844 | 144 | 103 | 33 | 8 |
733 | He has your punchlines. | 1.3403 | 0.04640 | 144 | 101 | 37 | 6 |
734 | Oh my God, barely two and already a better orator than the President!!! | 1.3403 | 0.05041 | 144 | 105 | 29 | 10 |
735 | Nothing says "Nailed It" like a Teddy Bear drop! | 1.3403 | 0.05041 | 144 | 105 | 29 | 10 |
736 | NOW we'll show your sister which grandchild is the star! | 1.3403 | 0.05136 | 144 | 106 | 27 | 11 |
737 | I told you we should not have used a sperm bank. | 1.3403 | 0.05322 | 144 | 108 | 23 | 13 |
738 | I did it my waaaaaaayyyyyy! | 1.3403 | 0.04944 | 144 | 104 | 31 | 9 |
739 | I knew he had a face for radio! | 1.3403 | 0.04993 | 144 | 107 | 26 | 11 |
740 | I'm here for the next 2 years." | 1.3403 | 0.05041 | 144 | 105 | 29 | 10 |
741 | You were spot on about breastfeeding | 1.3403 | 0.04944 | 144 | 104 | 31 | 9 |
742 | We've done all we can - it's up to social media influences now. | 1.3401 | 0.04969 | 147 | 107 | 30 | 10 |
743 | And watch: for his finale he pulls up the bars and says our borders are now more secure!" | 1.3401 | 0.04874 | 147 | 106 | 32 | 9 |
744 | His first monologue! | 1.3383 | 0.05106 | 133 | 96 | 29 | 8 |
745 | The assassination of Vice President Bear by extremists in the middle eastern section of this house has compelled me to unleash the most powerful mobile-enabled aerial and maritime strikes. We will also have booties on the ground within 72 hours. | 1.3380 | 0.04986 | 142 | 103 | 30 | 9 |
746 | Oh, Larry. His first press conference. | 1.3380 | 0.04986 | 142 | 103 | 30 | 9 |
747 | He's using the mic! Now all we need is a videographer and a YouTube channel and he's set for college. | 1.3380 | 0.04986 | 142 | 103 | 30 | 9 |
748 | No, wait, wait! This is the bit where two parents walk into a bar... | 1.3380 | 0.04676 | 142 | 100 | 36 | 6 |
749 | If someone acting like a child can be president, then certainly a real child can | 1.3380 | 0.05085 | 142 | 104 | 28 | 10 |
750 | And you didn't want to pay the cover! | 1.3380 | 0.04986 | 142 | 103 | 30 | 9 |
751 | There's our nest egg. | 1.3380 | 0.04676 | 142 | 100 | 36 | 6 |
752 | And now, appearing nightly at 3 AM, Mama and Dada. | 1.3380 | 0.04885 | 142 | 102 | 32 | 8 |
753 | His proposals for Daycare really ring with authenticity. | 1.3380 | 0.04986 | 142 | 103 | 30 | 9 |
754 | Welcome back to my podcast. I've worked with my next guests since the beginning... | 1.3380 | 0.05182 | 142 | 105 | 26 | 11 |
755 | If his recording of “I’ve Gotta Be Me” in French and Spanish doesn’t get him into that pre-school, I don’t know what will! | 1.3380 | 0.04986 | 142 | 103 | 30 | 9 |
756 | ALL MY BREASTFEEDING PAID OFF!!! | 1.3380 | 0.04885 | 142 | 102 | 32 | 8 |
757 | Thank you thank you. Make sure to tip your bottletender on the way out. | 1.3380 | 0.04457 | 142 | 98 | 40 | 4 |
758 | What's the deal with Gerber? | 1.3380 | 0.04885 | 142 | 102 | 32 | 8 |
759 | Forget the other twelve candidates, i have nothing hidden in my past life | 1.3380 | 0.04885 | 142 | 102 | 32 | 8 |
760 | This is good. After stand-up usually comes walking. | 1.3380 | 0.04781 | 142 | 101 | 34 | 7 |
761 | And you thought the Sinatra tapes were a waste of time. | 1.3357 | 0.04926 | 140 | 101 | 31 | 8 |
762 | So sweet! His first teddy talk! | 1.3357 | 0.05230 | 140 | 104 | 25 | 11 |
763 | He already has all the qualities to be President! | 1.3357 | 0.05029 | 140 | 102 | 29 | 9 |
764 | You think you hate public speaking? I've literally soiled myself! | 1.3357 | 0.05230 | 140 | 104 | 25 | 11 |
765 | Another milestone: his first night of stand up! | 1.3357 | 0.04821 | 140 | 100 | 33 | 7 |
766 | Now that he's POTUS trained, we can announce! | 1.3357 | 0.04926 | 140 | 101 | 31 | 8 |
767 | I'd like to thank my parents for being there for me these past 10 months. | 1.3357 | 0.04821 | 140 | 100 | 33 | 7 |
768 | He's already singing "Send in the Clowns" | 1.3357 | 0.05130 | 140 | 103 | 27 | 10 |
769 | Oh, honey! Look! He's standing up! | 1.3357 | 0.05130 | 140 | 103 | 27 | 10 |
770 | Look! His first lies. | 1.3357 | 0.05029 | 140 | 102 | 29 | 9 |
771 | He's got a gig at the Diaper Room. | 1.3357 | 0.04926 | 140 | 101 | 31 | 8 |
772 | He called his teddy bear Hillary. | 1.3357 | 0.04713 | 140 | 99 | 35 | 6 |
773 | Don't worry, Fred, Little Donald's vocabulary will improve before he's 73. | 1.3357 | 0.05230 | 140 | 104 | 25 | 11 |
774 | He's polling just slightly higher than Hickenlooper! | 1.3357 | 0.05029 | 140 | 102 | 29 | 9 |
775 | My heart says President, but my mind says stand-up comedian... | 1.3357 | 0.04489 | 140 | 97 | 39 | 4 |
776 | I’d like to thank my parents for jumpstarting my career when that video of my home birth went viral. | 1.3357 | 0.04821 | 140 | 100 | 33 | 7 |
777 | Thank you! I'll be appearing here every night for the next 1-2 years! | 1.3357 | 0.05130 | 140 | 103 | 27 | 10 |
778 | Oh, look, he's pulled himself up to stand-up comedy! | 1.3357 | 0.04432 | 143 | 99 | 40 | 4 |
779 | Tomorrow night, he'll want a tip jar. | 1.3357 | 0.04649 | 143 | 101 | 36 | 6 |
780 | I think he's finally settling into a bedtime routine. | 1.3333 | 0.05257 | 135 | 100 | 25 | 10 |
781 | Once he's out of jail, he can run for president. | 1.3307 | 0.05368 | 127 | 94 | 24 | 9 |
782 | First words or not, this is a little over the top. | 1.3285 | 0.04981 | 137 | 100 | 29 | 8 |
783 | Pre-K-Pop! | 1.3285 | 0.05394 | 137 | 104 | 21 | 12 |
784 | Hey Dudes, welcome to my crib. | 1.3285 | 0.05087 | 137 | 101 | 27 | 9 |
785 | He's pretty good at stand-up, considering he just learned to walk. | 1.3285 | 0.04529 | 137 | 96 | 37 | 4 |
786 | I think we get to be on the podcast tomorrow! | 1.3285 | 0.05087 | 137 | 101 | 27 | 9 |
787 | If anyone's got any formula, see me after the show | 1.3285 | 0.04981 | 137 | 100 | 29 | 8 |
788 | Look, honey, he murdered his dissident bear and is consolidating power! The book says that means he's ahead on his milestones. | 1.3284 | 0.04943 | 134 | 97 | 30 | 7 |
789 | Four poops and seven sleeps ago... | 1.3281 | 0.05332 | 128 | 95 | 24 | 9 |
790 | His first standup! | 1.3280 | 0.05051 | 125 | 90 | 29 | 6 |
791 | Tonight on American Cradle... | 1.3280 | 0.04653 | 125 | 87 | 35 | 3 |
792 | Sssh. He's coming to the small loan from his dad part. | 1.3280 | 0.05654 | 125 | 95 | 19 | 11 |
793 | The doctor said he needs more feedback. | 1.3280 | 0.05051 | 125 | 90 | 29 | 6 |
794 | Oh dear, he sounds like Celine Dion. | 1.3280 | 0.05301 | 125 | 92 | 25 | 8 |
795 | OMG! Junior's first one liner! | 1.3280 | 0.05539 | 125 | 94 | 21 | 10 |
796 | Now aren't you glad we let him watch the presidential debates? | 1.3280 | 0.05178 | 125 | 91 | 27 | 7 |
797 | He is campaigning for the primaries in 2064. | 1.3280 | 0.05051 | 125 | 90 | 29 | 6 |
798 | Meet the parents. | 1.3280 | 0.05539 | 125 | 94 | 21 | 10 |
799 | All hands on deck. Teddy bear overboard. | 1.3280 | 0.05051 | 125 | 90 | 29 | 6 |
800 | And what’s the deal with baby food ? | 1.3280 | 0.05051 | 125 | 90 | 29 | 6 |
801 | Finally, a candidate with a viable platform! | 1.3280 | 0.05178 | 125 | 91 | 27 | 7 |
802 | My next number will be number 2 | 1.3280 | 0.05178 | 125 | 91 | 27 | 7 |
803 | It's funny because he's two. | 1.3280 | 0.05051 | 125 | 90 | 29 | 6 |
804 | He says he wants a parade of his toy tanks next time. | 1.3280 | 0.05051 | 125 | 90 | 29 | 6 |
805 | Looks like he’s given up on his ventriloquism act and gone solo! | 1.3280 | 0.05051 | 125 | 90 | 29 | 6 |
806 | Shhhh! Just listen. “OK, darling, how wet ARE you?’ | 1.3280 | 0.05654 | 125 | 95 | 19 | 11 |
807 | Look, honey! He can stand up! | 1.3280 | 0.05421 | 125 | 93 | 23 | 9 |
808 | I'm so glad we chose Seinfeld for our sperm donor. | 1.3280 | 0.05178 | 125 | 91 | 27 | 7 |
809 | Attention. Attention please. Clean up on crib 1” | 1.3280 | 0.05654 | 125 | 95 | 19 | 11 |
810 | I feel emboldened when he says, ""We have nothing to fear but what's under the bed and in the closet." | 1.3280 | 0.05178 | 125 | 91 | 27 | 7 |
811 | He's going without the teleprompter. | 1.3280 | 0.05051 | 125 | 90 | 29 | 6 |
812 | Look, he can stand-up! | 1.3280 | 0.05178 | 125 | 91 | 27 | 7 |
813 | I overheard him practicing his speech, and it's clearly more cogent and coherent than anything our President is saying! | 1.3280 | 0.05539 | 125 | 94 | 21 | 10 |
814 | Now do you appreciate the rhythm method? | 1.3280 | 0.05539 | 125 | 94 | 21 | 10 |
815 | So THAT's why you wanted to call him Mike! | 1.3280 | 0.05539 | 125 | 94 | 21 | 10 |
816 | He just announced a bold plan to reduce his attention-deficit! | 1.3280 | 0.05301 | 125 | 92 | 25 | 8 |
817 | I just want to give a shout out to whomever might please fetch me my bear. | 1.3280 | 0.05301 | 125 | 92 | 25 | 8 |
818 | He's just finishing his TED Talk. | 1.3280 | 0.05421 | 125 | 93 | 23 | 9 |
819 | His first Teddy Bear Talk! | 1.3280 | 0.05539 | 125 | 94 | 21 | 10 |
820 | The latest polls show him leading in Iowa. | 1.3259 | 0.05024 | 135 | 99 | 28 | 8 |
821 | Mothers always have great expectations for the first word. | 1.3259 | 0.05133 | 135 | 100 | 26 | 9 |
822 | Of course his whole act is potty-mouth — what else does he know about? | 1.3259 | 0.04682 | 135 | 96 | 34 | 5 |
823 | Tell me again why we can’t send him back. | 1.3259 | 0.05133 | 135 | 100 | 26 | 9 |
824 | I am a stable genius, free of education and encumbering bias!!! | 1.3259 | 0.05239 | 135 | 101 | 24 | 10 |
825 | I'm here all week, try the strained peaches and don't forget to tip your nanny. | 1.3259 | 0.05024 | 135 | 99 | 28 | 8 |
826 | I can't believe he's doing stand-up already. | 1.3259 | 0.04913 | 135 | 98 | 30 | 7 |
827 | He insisted on the fly over for his Fourth of July speech. | 1.3259 | 0.04913 | 135 | 98 | 30 | 7 |
828 | His gibberish is sounding more and more like a presidential acceptance speech. | 1.3259 | 0.04856 | 135 | 100 | 27 | 8 |
829 | I can't wait for all the neighbors to hear his first words! | 1.3259 | 0.05024 | 135 | 99 | 28 | 8 |
830 | I think he’s about to croon! | 1.3259 | 0.04913 | 135 | 98 | 30 | 7 |
831 | We interrupt our broadcast to provide a message from my, misinformed parents. | 1.3259 | 0.05344 | 135 | 102 | 22 | 11 |
832 | His rap name is 'Da Baybeez Wettt'. | 1.3259 | 0.05344 | 135 | 102 | 22 | 11 |
833 | He does an amazing imitation of the president! | 1.3259 | 0.05446 | 135 | 103 | 20 | 12 |
834 | Now that he's doing stand-up, I can't wait for him to learn to talk. | 1.3259 | 0.04799 | 135 | 97 | 32 | 6 |
835 | You've been great. I'll be here all week folks. | 1.3259 | 0.05239 | 135 | 101 | 24 | 10 |
836 | Now he wants a crowd and some tanks. | 1.3259 | 0.04913 | 135 | 98 | 30 | 7 |
837 | I'd like to thank my parents, Arnold and Margaret, and apparently a surrogate named Zoë somewhere. | 1.3259 | 0.05133 | 135 | 100 | 26 | 9 |
838 | Look dear, he’s standing up. | 1.3259 | 0.04799 | 135 | 97 | 32 | 6 |
839 | That’s one small step for me; one giant leap for my teddy bear... | 1.3259 | 0.05024 | 135 | 99 | 28 | 8 |
840 | A minister, a priest, a rabbi, and Goldilocks enter a bar..... | 1.3259 | 0.04913 | 135 | 98 | 30 | 7 |
841 | Just think how good he'll be when he can read a teleprompter. | 1.3259 | 0.05024 | 135 | 99 | 28 | 8 |
842 | It's his first tot cast. | 1.3254 | 0.05727 | 126 | 97 | 17 | 12 |
843 | A baby crawls into a bar, tells the bartender he needs a drink to celebrate because his Mom is having a new baby. Bartender says "what was wrong with the old one?" | 1.3233 | 0.05179 | 133 | 99 | 25 | 9 |
844 | These jokes are going to get way funnier once he learns how to talk." | 1.3233 | 0.05288 | 133 | 100 | 23 | 10 |
845 | I gotta tell you, I get no respect. No respect. | 1.3233 | 0.05068 | 133 | 98 | 27 | 8 |
846 | It's his first one liner. | 1.3233 | 0.04838 | 133 | 96 | 31 | 6 |
847 | Thanks for coming out tonight... you've been a great audience. Obviously I'll be here all week. | 1.3233 | 0.04955 | 133 | 97 | 29 | 7 |
848 | I'm glad we agree with his stance on bottle warming. | 1.3233 | 0.05288 | 133 | 100 | 23 | 10 |
849 | ... But more, much more than this ... I did it ... my way | 1.3233 | 0.05179 | 133 | 99 | 25 | 9 |
850 | He said his first word: "Testing"! | 1.3233 | 0.05068 | 133 | 98 | 27 | 8 |
851 | In the babysitter’s defense, ‘check Mike’ is easily misconstrued. | 1.3233 | 0.04838 | 133 | 96 | 31 | 6 |
852 | With his diaper changed he has a legitimate chance. | 1.3233 | 0.04838 | 133 | 96 | 31 | 6 |
853 | Awww..he wants to make our family great again. | 1.3233 | 0.05395 | 133 | 101 | 21 | 11 |
854 | At his age it's all potty humor, honey. | 1.3233 | 0.05068 | 133 | 98 | 27 | 8 |
855 | Tax cuts for the middle class! Isn't that cute? | 1.3233 | 0.05288 | 133 | 100 | 23 | 10 |
856 | I kid, I kid. I really love you two knuckleheads. | 1.3233 | 0.05288 | 133 | 100 | 23 | 10 |
857 | Donald is so cute. I don't know what it means but he keeps saying "Make America Great Again" | 1.3233 | 0.05179 | 133 | 99 | 25 | 9 |
858 | Thanks, folks. I’ll be here all night. | 1.3233 | 0.04955 | 133 | 97 | 29 | 7 |
859 | And what's the deal with Peek-A-Boo?! I mean, get a life right?! Is that what you're pretending to hide from anyways? | 1.3233 | 0.05068 | 133 | 98 | 27 | 8 |
860 | I get no respect. When I was born, the doctor slapped my face. | 1.3233 | 0.04955 | 133 | 97 | 29 | 7 |
861 | Aww honey! His first politcal speech discussing the intricacies of trickle-down economics. | 1.3233 | 0.05288 | 133 | 100 | 23 | 10 |
862 | But seriously folks, take my parents...please. | 1.3231 | 0.05030 | 130 | 95 | 28 | 7 |
863 | ‘So, what’s the deal with airline food’ | 1.3231 | 0.04910 | 130 | 94 | 30 | 6 |
864 | He does really well with the younger crowd. | 1.3231 | 0.05262 | 130 | 97 | 24 | 9 |
865 | And you thought he'd never settle on a career path! | 1.3231 | 0.04910 | 130 | 94 | 30 | 6 |
866 | The baby book said to expect him to stand up by this age, but I did not expect this. | 1.3231 | 0.05374 | 130 | 98 | 22 | 10 |
867 | He’s already performing at a first grade level. | 1.3231 | 0.04661 | 130 | 92 | 34 | 4 |
868 | All we need now is a brick wall and a two-drink minimum." | 1.3231 | 0.05147 | 130 | 96 | 26 | 8 |
869 | And he's already cancelled the press credentials of that snooty stuffed giraffe from the New York Times! | 1.3231 | 0.05147 | 130 | 96 | 26 | 8 |
870 | But he is only asking for a LEGO wall. | 1.3231 | 0.05030 | 130 | 95 | 28 | 7 |
871 | How about a round of applause for the folks who made this gig possible? | 1.3231 | 0.05147 | 130 | 96 | 26 | 8 |
872 | Look, honey! Junior is about to say his first words without the teleprompter! | 1.3231 | 0.05147 | 130 | 96 | 26 | 8 |
873 | More unintelligible rambling like this and he'll be president! | 1.3231 | 0.05030 | 130 | 95 | 28 | 7 |
874 | That Heckle Me Elmo doll was a great idea. | 1.3231 | 0.05030 | 130 | 95 | 28 | 7 |
875 | He said "Mama" ! | 1.3206 | 0.05227 | 131 | 98 | 24 | 9 |
876 | Four score and seven days ago... | 1.3206 | 0.05447 | 131 | 100 | 20 | 11 |
877 | Look, honey, he just announced his candidacy. Oh, no, he's going to deport all the Teddy Bears. | 1.3206 | 0.04879 | 131 | 95 | 30 | 6 |
878 | Shooting today from my mobile location. | 1.3206 | 0.05114 | 131 | 97 | 26 | 8 |
879 | Did you hear the one about the rabbi, the priest, and the babysitter who go into a bar? | 1.3203 | 0.04952 | 128 | 93 | 29 | 6 |
880 | Aw, look! He's overcompensating already! | 1.3203 | 0.05312 | 128 | 96 | 23 | 9 |
881 | And if I am elected, I promise that you can stay up late, never eat vegetables, and watch all the Paw Patrol you want. | 1.3203 | 0.05426 | 128 | 97 | 21 | 10 |
882 | Look! He's taken this whole 'stand-up' thing to a new level. | 1.3203 | 0.05195 | 128 | 95 | 25 | 8 |
883 | Told you he didn't really want to be an astronaut. | 1.3203 | 0.04826 | 128 | 92 | 31 | 5 |
884 | A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine... | 1.3203 | 0.05426 | 128 | 97 | 21 | 10 |
885 | Aren’t you proud, dear? No crib sheet! | 1.3203 | 0.05195 | 128 | 95 | 25 | 8 |
886 | I’m so thrilled that he no longer needs his teleprompter! | 1.3203 | 0.05195 | 128 | 95 | 25 | 8 |
887 | Look,honey! Barely potty trained and already he's pretending to declare war on Iran. | 1.3178 | 0.05276 | 129 | 97 | 23 | 9 |
888 | That last joke killed at Mommy and Me. | 1.3175 | 0.04867 | 126 | 91 | 30 | 5 |
889 | If elected the first I’ll change is my diaper. | 1.3175 | 0.04995 | 126 | 92 | 28 | 6 |
890 | Nice try, but nap time is not "fake news". | 1.3175 | 0.05363 | 126 | 95 | 22 | 9 |
891 | So, what's the deal with baby food? | 1.3175 | 0.04867 | 126 | 91 | 30 | 5 |
892 | Today...(today, today), I consider myself (self, self) the luckiest baby (baby, baby) on the face of the earth (earth, earth)! | 1.3175 | 0.05121 | 126 | 93 | 26 | 7 |
893 | I'll be here all year. | 1.3175 | 0.04995 | 126 | 92 | 28 | 6 |
894 | Look, his first attempt at stand up! | 1.3175 | 0.04867 | 126 | 91 | 30 | 5 |
895 | Now...to be successful... he must learn how to aggressively interrupt the other children. | 1.3175 | 0.04598 | 126 | 89 | 34 | 3 |
896 | Especially considering the Feldsteins' Joey didn't perform his first monolog until he was three and a half. | 1.3175 | 0.04995 | 126 | 92 | 28 | 6 |
897 | He promises to make his daycare center great again. | 1.3175 | 0.04458 | 126 | 88 | 36 | 2 |
898 | At least someone doesn't have performance anxiety. | 1.3167 | 0.05421 | 120 | 90 | 22 | 8 |
899 | Did you hear that? He said 'testing!'" | 1.3150 | 0.05208 | 127 | 95 | 24 | 8 |
900 | The doctor did say he's in the 97th percentile for speech development. | 1.3150 | 0.04569 | 127 | 90 | 34 | 3 |
901 | Great ! Now how do we stop it ? | 1.3150 | 0.05208 | 127 | 95 | 24 | 8 |
902 | His performance style is surprisingly sophisticated in its simplicity, but somebody should do something about the smell.” | 1.3145 | 0.05039 | 124 | 91 | 27 | 6 |
903 | I just crawled in from the living room and boy are my arms tired. But seriously folks... | 1.3130 | 0.04976 | 131 | 97 | 27 | 7 |
904 | I just knew conceiving him after date night at the Karaoke bar would lead to something | 1.3115 | 0.04950 | 122 | 89 | 28 | 5 |
905 | Honey, we've got ourselves a little podcaster! | 1.3115 | 0.05085 | 122 | 90 | 26 | 6 |
906 | Well, his first word was "bigly." | 1.3115 | 0.05216 | 122 | 91 | 24 | 7 |
907 | Last week I said "Stand up" and now he's got a solid ten minute set down at the Comedy Store. | 1.3115 | 0.04950 | 122 | 89 | 28 | 5 |
908 | Our baby’s gone straight from crawling to stand-up! | 1.3115 | 0.05085 | 122 | 90 | 26 | 6 |
909 | Thank you, thank you.....I'll be here all night. | 1.3115 | 0.05085 | 122 | 90 | 26 | 6 |
910 | Say what you will about inexperience, but he's definitely outperforming Biden. | 1.3115 | 0.04811 | 122 | 88 | 30 | 4 |
911 | This is the only room he can play after saying nap time was a social construct. | 1.3115 | 0.05085 | 122 | 90 | 26 | 6 |
912 | The aristocrats! | 1.3115 | 0.05216 | 122 | 91 | 24 | 7 |
913 | So what’s the deal with burping?! First the bottom, then the mouth, sometimes the nose..Where’s it all coming from.. no seriously folks. | 1.3115 | 0.05151 | 122 | 93 | 21 | 8 |
914 | I think he's about to say his first words! | 1.3115 | 0.05216 | 122 | 91 | 24 | 7 |
915 | so both my parents walk into my room right... | 1.3115 | 0.05344 | 122 | 92 | 22 | 8 |
916 | I think he's close to saying his first word! | 1.3115 | 0.04740 | 122 | 95 | 19 | 8 |
917 | Honey, our baby is about to say his first joke. | 1.3115 | 0.04950 | 122 | 89 | 28 | 5 |
918 | Reporting live undercover from day fifty-three of captivity; this is baby Dave, signing off. | 1.3115 | 0.05085 | 122 | 90 | 26 | 6 |
919 | With a comb-over and a twitter account I see a great future for him. | 1.3115 | 0.05216 | 122 | 91 | 24 | 7 |
920 | Look, he's giving his inaugural address! | 1.3115 | 0.05344 | 122 | 92 | 22 | 8 |
921 | Oh honey, his first ted talk | 1.3115 | 0.05216 | 122 | 91 | 24 | 7 |
922 | I promise six-months paid maternity leave! | 1.3115 | 0.05216 | 122 | 91 | 24 | 7 |
923 | Thanks folks! I'll be here for the next 40 years! | 1.3115 | 0.04668 | 122 | 87 | 32 | 3 |
924 | I think he's ready for Iowa! | 1.3115 | 0.05085 | 122 | 90 | 26 | 6 |
925 | He’s so much more himself when he’s off the TelePrompTer, don’t you think? | 1.3115 | 0.04950 | 122 | 89 | 28 | 5 |
926 | I know he’s only in time out, but it’s so cute to hear him fight against putting kids in cages. | 1.3115 | 0.05470 | 122 | 93 | 20 | 9 |
927 | Honey...should we worry about early onset of narcissism? | 1.3115 | 0.05216 | 122 | 91 | 24 | 7 |
928 | I guess we'll have a put in a brick accent wall. | 1.3115 | 0.05344 | 122 | 92 | 22 | 8 |
929 | He's practicing his Stand-up routine! | 1.3115 | 0.04668 | 122 | 87 | 32 | 3 |
930 | He can babble with the best Congress has to offer. | 1.3115 | 0.05592 | 122 | 94 | 18 | 10 |
931 | I tell ya, I get no respect. | 1.3115 | 0.05344 | 122 | 92 | 22 | 8 |
932 | Hey guys, thanks for watching, don’t forget to like this video, hit the subscribe button, and leave a comment below. | 1.3115 | 0.05085 | 122 | 90 | 26 | 6 |
933 | Now hear this. One more spoonful of pureed prunes and there will be hell to pay. | 1.3115 | 0.04950 | 122 | 89 | 28 | 5 |
934 | Look honey. We’re making America great again | 1.3115 | 0.05216 | 122 | 91 | 24 | 7 |
935 | Oh honey, his first words, "Ladies and Gentlemen". | 1.3115 | 0.05216 | 122 | 91 | 24 | 7 |
936 | Who thought that ADHD could have such an upside? | 1.3115 | 0.05085 | 122 | 90 | 26 | 6 |
937 | He already has 500 followers from his first podcast! | 1.3115 | 0.05085 | 122 | 90 | 26 | 6 |
938 | Oh look, his first spoof of a Trump parade! | 1.3115 | 0.05216 | 122 | 91 | 24 | 7 |
939 | Look honey, the baby sings the blues! | 1.3115 | 0.05085 | 122 | 90 | 26 | 6 |
940 | He's already doing stand-up. | 1.3115 | 0.05470 | 122 | 93 | 20 | 9 |
941 | Looks like we got a Neil Diamond instead of a Neil Armstrong. | 1.3115 | 0.05085 | 122 | 90 | 26 | 6 |
942 | I’m so proud!!...this is his first ‘State of my diaper’ address!... | 1.3115 | 0.05216 | 122 | 91 | 24 | 7 |
943 | 'Listen, honey! He's just said his first retraction!' | 1.3115 | 0.04950 | 122 | 89 | 28 | 5 |
944 | He’s opening for his older brother. | 1.3115 | 0.05344 | 122 | 92 | 22 | 8 |
945 | He's announcing for the Democratic primary! | 1.3115 | 0.03961 | 122 | 95 | 21 | 6 |
946 | Thanks for coming by folks, we're gonna be here all morning. | 1.3115 | 0.04520 | 122 | 86 | 34 | 2 |
947 | His first false campaign promise! | 1.3115 | 0.05344 | 122 | 92 | 22 | 8 |
948 | I prefer his older material. | 1.3115 | 0.05085 | 122 | 90 | 26 | 6 |
949 | Well you did say no to a wireless baby monitor. | 1.3115 | 0.05470 | 122 | 93 | 20 | 9 |
950 | He's going to make daycare great again, isn't he? | 1.3115 | 0.05085 | 122 | 90 | 26 | 6 |
951 | How could he have already lobbied, leveraged, and lied so much? | 1.3115 | 0.04950 | 122 | 89 | 28 | 5 |
952 | Mr. Dada, tear down this wall. | 1.3115 | 0.05592 | 122 | 94 | 18 | 10 |
953 | He can not only stand up, he can DO stand-up!! | 1.3115 | 0.05085 | 122 | 90 | 26 | 6 |
954 | Funny. But must our sex life be part of his routine? | 1.3115 | 0.05216 | 122 | 91 | 24 | 7 |
955 | Honey, she owns the 0 to 12 months demographic! | 1.3115 | 0.05470 | 122 | 93 | 20 | 9 |
956 | He believes that he is the big Baby that floats in the sky. | 1.3115 | 0.05470 | 122 | 93 | 20 | 9 |
957 | Last week potty trained, and now this ! | 1.3115 | 0.04950 | 122 | 89 | 28 | 5 |
958 | Honey!, his first monologue! | 1.3115 | 0.04950 | 122 | 89 | 28 | 5 |
959 | He supports social security! | 1.3115 | 0.04950 | 122 | 89 | 28 | 5 |
960 | Fred, he's lying already and can't even vote yet! | 1.3115 | 0.05216 | 122 | 91 | 24 | 7 |
961 | It's so cute when he says "My fellow Amewwicans"! | 1.3115 | 0.05216 | 122 | 91 | 24 | 7 |
962 | Bet you $10 that his first words will be, "My fellow Americans"! | 1.3115 | 0.04950 | 122 | 89 | 28 | 5 |
963 | Now, how about a big hand for my parents, Maggie and Bill | 1.3115 | 0.05018 | 122 | 92 | 23 | 7 |
964 | Clean up to crib aisle. | 1.3115 | 0.05344 | 122 | 92 | 22 | 8 |
965 | We probably should have taught him to speak before we gave him the microphone. | 1.3115 | 0.05085 | 122 | 90 | 26 | 6 |
966 | Honey! He just said his first fake news! | 1.3115 | 0.04950 | 122 | 89 | 28 | 5 |
967 | We are adding “babbled to Mozart at 6 months” to his preschool application! | 1.3115 | 0.04950 | 122 | 89 | 28 | 5 |
968 | He’ll never tell his shrink he didn’t feel heard. | 1.3109 | 0.05303 | 119 | 89 | 23 | 7 |
969 | I just want to be sure we hear his first word. | 1.3095 | 0.04972 | 126 | 93 | 27 | 6 |
970 | I am Mommy's Bundle of Joy, and I endorse this message. | 1.3091 | 0.05285 | 110 | 81 | 24 | 5 |
971 | And he only charges a two-bottle minimum! | 1.3089 | 0.04637 | 123 | 88 | 32 | 3 |
972 | So cute: take my diaper...please! | 1.3089 | 0.05307 | 123 | 93 | 22 | 8 |
973 | Our progeny's a prodigy! | 1.3089 | 0.05180 | 123 | 92 | 24 | 7 |
974 | Oh honey, his first sound check! | 1.3089 | 0.05049 | 123 | 91 | 26 | 6 |
975 | Just knew we did the right thing naming him after my brothers ..... Lenny & Bruce | 1.3089 | 0.05049 | 123 | 91 | 26 | 6 |
976 | He already lacks enough intellect to be President of the United States | 1.3089 | 0.05552 | 123 | 95 | 18 | 10 |
977 | My parade will have tanks. | 1.3089 | 0.04637 | 123 | 88 | 32 | 3 |
978 | And look honey, he doesn't even need to rely on crib notes! | 1.3089 | 0.05180 | 123 | 92 | 24 | 7 |
979 | Did you hear that, Honey? His first words were, ‘I don’t get no respect!’ | 1.3089 | 0.05431 | 123 | 94 | 20 | 9 |
980 | Honey! Did you hear that?! Our baby’s a liberal! | 1.3089 | 0.04916 | 123 | 90 | 28 | 5 |
981 | He's taping his latest TEDdy Bear Talk: Tots Behind Bars -- End the Injustice. | 1.3089 | 0.05307 | 123 | 93 | 22 | 8 |
982 | And what's with that plastic nipple they want me to suck on? Gross! | 1.3083 | 0.05265 | 120 | 90 | 23 | 7 |
983 | Look, Dear. He's babbling gibberish into the microphone we got him. He'll make a fine politician someday. | 1.3083 | 0.05397 | 120 | 91 | 21 | 8 |
984 | How exciting! He's spoken his first lie. | 1.3083 | 0.04992 | 120 | 88 | 27 | 5 |
985 | Why not?! It’s really true, anyone can be president. | 1.3083 | 0.05265 | 120 | 90 | 23 | 7 |
986 | In eighteen years these bars might be higher.... am I right... am I right? | 1.3083 | 0.04992 | 120 | 88 | 27 | 5 |
987 | Just six months old, and he’s already pandering!!! | 1.3083 | 0.04992 | 120 | 88 | 27 | 5 |
988 | Aren’t you thrilled? We’re recording his first YouTube video. | 1.3083 | 0.05397 | 120 | 91 | 21 | 8 |
989 | Now all we have to do is traumatize him for 20 years. | 1.3083 | 0.04704 | 120 | 86 | 31 | 3 |
990 | He just told his first lie! | 1.3083 | 0.05650 | 120 | 93 | 17 | 10 |
991 | Listen,dear, she’s practicing her TEDDY TALK! | 1.3083 | 0.05650 | 120 | 93 | 17 | 10 |
992 | He's going after the youth vote. | 1.3083 | 0.04850 | 120 | 87 | 29 | 4 |
993 | I love it when he raps about his crib | 1.3083 | 0.04992 | 120 | 88 | 27 | 5 |
994 | In the year 2079, I will be the same age as the current president. Can I count on your vote? | 1.3083 | 0.05525 | 120 | 92 | 19 | 9 |
995 | You see Dear....I TOLD you leaving Fox News on all day wouldn't do any harm. | 1.3083 | 0.04992 | 120 | 88 | 27 | 5 |
996 | Not even crawling yet and already doing standup comedy! | 1.3083 | 0.05265 | 120 | 90 | 23 | 7 |
997 | Look, Harold! It’s his very first Open Crib night! | 1.3083 | 0.05131 | 120 | 89 | 25 | 6 |
998 | I'm kinda in the middle of something here, mom | 1.3056 | 0.05652 | 108 | 82 | 19 | 7 |
999 | Choose me, and we'll reach for the things that hang from the ceiling. | 1.3051 | 0.05178 | 118 | 88 | 24 | 6 |
1000 | I’m so proud of him. He’s polling ahead of Bernie Sanders after the last debate. | 1.3051 | 0.04890 | 118 | 86 | 28 | 4 |
1001 | He's right, diaper rash is an issue that politicians have been ignoring for far too long. | 1.3051 | 0.05178 | 118 | 88 | 24 | 6 |
1002 | ... and when I'm elected, I will create a Space Force. | 1.3051 | 0.05316 | 118 | 89 | 22 | 7 |
1003 | The 2052 Primaries will be here before we know it. | 1.3051 | 0.05316 | 118 | 89 | 22 | 7 |
1004 | Just think, maybe some day we'll be the proud parents of someone that no parent will want their daughter to be listening to. | 1.3051 | 0.05178 | 118 | 88 | 24 | 6 |
1005 | Only 14 months and he’s already abandoned prop comedy for observational humor! | 1.3051 | 0.05178 | 118 | 88 | 24 | 6 |
1006 | In that moment,Dad realized he would spend a lifetime being one of two audience members in attendance at his son's poetry readings. | 1.3051 | 0.05316 | 118 | 89 | 22 | 7 |
1007 | Just be yourself if you get upset during the debate, throw a tantrum and name calling. | 1.3051 | 0.05451 | 118 | 90 | 20 | 8 |
1008 | We can burp him after he finishes his podcast. | 1.3051 | 0.05316 | 118 | 89 | 22 | 7 |
1009 | His lack of vocabulary and wisdom hasn't at all prevented him from gaining political popularity. | 1.3051 | 0.05036 | 118 | 87 | 26 | 5 |
1010 | We should have been more careful in selecting a sperm donor. | 1.3051 | 0.05178 | 118 | 88 | 24 | 6 |
1011 | And what's the deal with those immunizations? Does anyone even know what a Rubella is? | 1.3051 | 0.05451 | 118 | 90 | 20 | 8 |
1012 | Gee, he really DOES look like Winston Churchill! | 1.3051 | 0.05316 | 118 | 89 | 22 | 7 |
1013 | Thanks, I'll be here all week. | 1.3051 | 0.04890 | 118 | 86 | 28 | 4 |
1014 | I’m tough on nap-time, tough on the causes of nap-time. | 1.3051 | 0.05178 | 118 | 88 | 24 | 6 |
1015 | Look honey, it's literally his first stand up performance! | 1.3051 | 0.05316 | 118 | 89 | 22 | 7 |
1016 | I’m practicing my stand-up | 1.3051 | 0.04890 | 118 | 86 | 28 | 4 |
1017 | His Poll numbers went up. He promised everyone free diapers. | 1.3051 | 0.05178 | 118 | 88 | 24 | 6 |
1018 | Oh, dear, doesn’t he look so perfectly presidential? | 1.3051 | 0.05036 | 118 | 87 | 26 | 5 |
1019 | He’s getting so bigly! | 1.3051 | 0.05316 | 118 | 89 | 22 | 7 |
1020 | Aw, look Honey. He'll be denying misconduct allegations in no time. | 1.3051 | 0.05316 | 118 | 89 | 22 | 7 |
1021 | He's already lying at a senate level! | 1.3051 | 0.05451 | 118 | 90 | 20 | 8 |
1022 | I knew stand-up was in his future. | 1.3051 | 0.05036 | 118 | 87 | 26 | 5 |
1023 | He’s playing here all week. | 1.3051 | 0.05316 | 118 | 89 | 22 | 7 |
1024 | I thought the amniocentesis showed he was a Democrat! | 1.3051 | 0.04890 | 118 | 86 | 28 | 4 |
1025 | Testing: goo-goo, ga-ga | 1.3051 | 0.05178 | 118 | 88 | 24 | 6 |
1026 | That's right folks, I call it my stand-up routine because...well, I just learned to stand up. | 1.3051 | 0.05178 | 118 | 88 | 24 | 6 |
1027 | I feel so much love in this room. | 1.3051 | 0.05316 | 118 | 89 | 22 | 7 |
1028 | Oh No! He's playing 4th of July Trump again! | 1.3051 | 0.05710 | 118 | 92 | 16 | 10 |
1029 | My next guest is a terrific young comedian from Daycare | 1.3051 | 0.05451 | 118 | 90 | 20 | 8 |
1030 | I'm so proud. He jut announced he will be a candidate for President in 2056. | 1.3051 | 0.05451 | 118 | 90 | 20 | 8 |
1031 | Baby's first TED Talk! | 1.3051 | 0.05178 | 118 | 88 | 24 | 6 |
1032 | Attention Parent Shoppers, Cleanup Needed on Isle of One. | 1.3051 | 0.05451 | 118 | 90 | 20 | 8 |
1033 | You’ve been a great audience. Don’t forget to tip my parents on your way out! | 1.3051 | 0.05178 | 118 | 88 | 24 | 6 |
1034 | He’s finally taking pre-k applications seriously! | 1.3051 | 0.05451 | 118 | 90 | 20 | 8 |
1035 | This is so much better than his sit-up comedy routine. | 1.3051 | 0.04740 | 118 | 85 | 30 | 3 |
1036 | Look! He already knows how to lie! | 1.3043 | 0.05548 | 115 | 88 | 19 | 8 |
1037 | Don't interrupt him! He's getting ready for his Netflix special. | 1.3043 | 0.05265 | 115 | 86 | 23 | 6 |
1038 | Let’s welcome today’s guests, all the way from the living room, it’s Mama and Dada. | 1.3043 | 0.05119 | 115 | 85 | 25 | 5 |
1039 | Is it me or does his crying sound just like Congress? | 1.3043 | 0.05548 | 115 | 88 | 19 | 8 |
1040 | Now that he's officially entered the race I hope they move up the starting time of the next debates because the first two were after his bedtime. | 1.3043 | 0.04811 | 115 | 83 | 29 | 3 |
1041 | He's standing now, but in 2020 he could run! | 1.3043 | 0.05548 | 115 | 88 | 19 | 8 |
1042 | He’s already testifying! | 1.3043 | 0.05265 | 115 | 86 | 23 | 6 |
1043 | He sure takes after his real father. | 1.3043 | 0.05816 | 115 | 90 | 15 | 10 |
1044 | Wanna thank Mom and Dad for being here...for my opening number I'd like to perform..."Send In the Clowns" | 1.3043 | 0.05408 | 115 | 87 | 21 | 7 |
1045 | His babbling is so presidential! | 1.3043 | 0.05548 | 115 | 88 | 19 | 8 |
1046 | Free Bird again; he gets the sarcasm from you. | 1.3043 | 0.05265 | 115 | 86 | 23 | 6 |
1047 | Isn't that cute? He's running for the Democratic nomination. | 1.3043 | 0.04967 | 115 | 84 | 27 | 4 |
1048 | He sounds just like the president! | 1.3043 | 0.05548 | 115 | 88 | 19 | 8 |
1049 | OH LOOK! Little Donald's pretending to be President! | 1.3043 | 0.05683 | 115 | 89 | 17 | 9 |
1050 | He went straight from standing to stand-up. | 1.3043 | 0.04967 | 115 | 84 | 27 | 4 |
1051 | My parents flew in to see the show tonight and boy are their arms tired. | 1.3043 | 0.05408 | 115 | 87 | 21 | 7 |
1052 | Does a great "Melancholy Baby." | 1.3043 | 0.05548 | 115 | 88 | 19 | 8 |
1053 | Our boy does have the right stuff for that preschool. | 1.3043 | 0.05265 | 115 | 86 | 23 | 6 |
1054 | ...and, in closing, I want to give a shout-out to my num-num, my pee-pee and my poopie. | 1.3043 | 0.04967 | 115 | 84 | 27 | 4 |
1055 | Alexa, are my parents unaware you already record everything I say? | 1.3043 | 0.04967 | 115 | 84 | 27 | 4 |
1056 | He has so much fresh material! | 1.3043 | 0.04650 | 115 | 82 | 31 | 2 |
1057 | He mentioned us when he thanked the Academy! | 1.3043 | 0.04967 | 115 | 84 | 27 | 4 |
1058 | Erysipelas. E-R-Y-S-I-P-E-L-A-S. | 1.3043 | 0.05408 | 115 | 87 | 21 | 7 |
1059 | So, I told them, you've got my nose, but I've got your life. | 1.3043 | 0.04967 | 115 | 84 | 27 | 4 |
1060 | Shhh. He’s just gone live. | 1.3043 | 0.05548 | 115 | 88 | 19 | 8 |
1061 | Our retirement is starting to shape up. | 1.3043 | 0.05119 | 115 | 85 | 25 | 5 |
1062 | Now do you believe me about what happened in that dressing room at Bergdorf’s? | 1.3043 | 0.05548 | 115 | 88 | 19 | 8 |
1063 | Look! Our little Mussolini has found his first balcony. | 1.3043 | 0.05265 | 115 | 86 | 23 | 6 |
1064 | I'll be here all week, don't forget to try the carrot puree. | 1.3043 | 0.04220 | 115 | 87 | 24 | 4 |
1065 | Well, if he doesn't have what it takes to be a YouTube celebrity, he could always be a congressman. | 1.3043 | 0.05683 | 115 | 89 | 17 | 9 |
1066 | Well, that’s all for tonight. Come back for our next show at 2 a.m.! | 1.3043 | 0.04650 | 115 | 82 | 31 | 2 |
1067 | Wait until Simon Cowell hears this! | 1.3043 | 0.05119 | 115 | 85 | 25 | 5 |
1068 | For his second birthday let's get him a teleprompter. | 1.3043 | 0.05265 | 115 | 86 | 23 | 6 |
1069 | Be right back after a quick diaper change. | 1.3043 | 0.05265 | 115 | 86 | 23 | 6 |
1070 | Oh honey, it's his first State of the Nursery address. | 1.3043 | 0.05408 | 115 | 87 | 21 | 7 |
1071 | Oh, isn't that wonderful? Little Billy's July 4th speech is so much better than President Trump's and it didn't cost the taxpayers one penny! | 1.3043 | 0.05408 | 115 | 87 | 21 | 7 |
1072 | Why don't you listen to me, tear down this wall | 1.3036 | 0.05505 | 112 | 85 | 20 | 7 |
1073 | He hasn't even crawled and he's already doing stand-up! | 1.3036 | 0.05048 | 112 | 82 | 26 | 4 |
1074 | ...and that’s why I believe I would make an excellent Presidential candidate.” | 1.3028 | 0.05453 | 109 | 82 | 21 | 6 |
1075 | The doctor says he's in the 95th percentile for rhetoric! | 1.3025 | 0.05277 | 119 | 90 | 22 | 7 |
1076 | Trump really seems to like his new office! | 1.3017 | 0.05437 | 116 | 91 | 16 | 9 |
1077 | So much for the baby monitor! | 1.3017 | 0.05081 | 116 | 86 | 25 | 5 |
1078 | Thanks I’ll be here all night. | 1.3017 | 0.05081 | 116 | 86 | 25 | 5 |
1079 | Who do I have to bite to get a diaper around here? | 1.3009 | 0.05166 | 113 | 84 | 24 | 5 |
1080 | "We choose to clean our room and to do the otha things around the house, not because they are easy, but because they are hahd. | 1.3009 | 0.05316 | 113 | 85 | 22 | 6 |
1081 | He's outgrown the baby monitor | 1.3009 | 0.05316 | 113 | 85 | 22 | 6 |
1082 | Imagine, stand-up before he's even walking! | 1.3009 | 0.05463 | 113 | 86 | 20 | 7 |
1083 | Ich bin ein Berliner | 1.3009 | 0.05606 | 113 | 87 | 18 | 8 |
1084 | Arnold, it wasn’t your sperm after all! | 1.3009 | 0.05316 | 113 | 85 | 22 | 6 |
1085 | You’ve been a wonderful audience, stick around for my second act once I get my diaper changed! | 1.3009 | 0.05606 | 113 | 87 | 18 | 8 |
1086 | Lenny, don't say "but seriously folks" unless it really is serious. | 1.3009 | 0.04512 | 113 | 80 | 32 | 1 |
1087 | Look Honey! Isn't he just electable?" | 1.3009 | 0.05316 | 113 | 85 | 22 | 6 |
1088 | Don’t you think it’s tome we had a toddler for president and not an infant? | 1.3009 | 0.05745 | 113 | 88 | 16 | 9 |
1089 | Well, at least he’s a Democrat | 1.3000 | 0.05093 | 110 | 81 | 25 | 4 |
1090 | Mom, Dad ... This is your life! | 1.2982 | 0.05421 | 114 | 87 | 20 | 7 |
1091 | He's announcing his candidacy!! | 1.2976 | 0.06511 | 84 | 65 | 13 | 6 |
1092 | I thought he was only learning to stand up. | 1.2973 | 0.05214 | 111 | 83 | 23 | 5 |
1093 | We’re so blessed to have a baby who sings himself to sleep. | 1.2973 | 0.05368 | 111 | 84 | 21 | 6 |
1094 | It'll be an issue if he drops the mike. | 1.2973 | 0.05214 | 111 | 83 | 23 | 5 |
1095 | I think we may not need that college education fund at all. | 1.2973 | 0.05054 | 111 | 82 | 25 | 4 |
1096 | How do you turn this on? | 1.2973 | 0.05808 | 111 | 87 | 15 | 9 |
1097 | Who figured he could do stand-up before he could crawl? | 1.2973 | 0.05368 | 111 | 84 | 21 | 6 |
1098 | This daycare for politicians is worth every penny! | 1.2973 | 0.05214 | 111 | 83 | 23 | 5 |
1099 | His agent says he has a great crib presence. | 1.2973 | 0.05054 | 111 | 82 | 25 | 4 |
1100 | RODNEY DANGERFIELD; The Early Years "I TELL YA... I DON'T GET NO WEESPECT!" | 1.2973 | 0.05054 | 111 | 82 | 25 | 4 |
1101 | No one is looking out for the little guy, so that’s why I’m announcing my candidacy for the Democratic Nominee. | 1.2973 | 0.05519 | 111 | 85 | 19 | 7 |
1102 | Don't you see?! Starting his showbiz career now means he'll be out of rehab by the time he reaches first grade! | 1.2973 | 0.04889 | 111 | 81 | 27 | 3 |
1103 | Early polls have him in the lead. | 1.2973 | 0.05368 | 111 | 84 | 21 | 6 |
1104 | I'd like to announce my candidacy for President of the United States in the 2020 election. | 1.2973 | 0.05054 | 111 | 82 | 25 | 4 |
1105 | It is kind of scary that his first words were "My Fellow Americans." | 1.2973 | 0.05665 | 111 | 86 | 17 | 8 |
1106 | One small step for a man - one enormous step for a baby. | 1.2973 | 0.05368 | 111 | 84 | 21 | 6 |
1107 | He just threw his teddy in the ring, he's running for President. | 1.2973 | 0.05519 | 111 | 85 | 19 | 7 |
1108 | I told you listening to This American Life in utero would pay off. | 1.2973 | 0.05368 | 111 | 84 | 21 | 6 |
1109 | He already looks presidential. | 1.2963 | 0.05305 | 108 | 81 | 22 | 5 |
1110 | Please send help. I’m behind bars. | 1.2963 | 0.06677 | 81 | 63 | 12 | 6 |
1111 | It's his first stand-up! | 1.2952 | 0.05228 | 105 | 78 | 23 | 4 |
1112 | He's about to announce which college team he'll play for. | 1.2946 | 0.04853 | 112 | 82 | 27 | 3 |
1113 | ...and now, a few words from the newest Democratic Presidential nominee! | 1.2946 | 0.05621 | 112 | 87 | 17 | 8 |
1114 | Tell you what: I'll take milk from Mommy's breast over the stewed peaches from a plastic spoon any day! And have you tried the mashed peas?! | 1.2946 | 0.04853 | 112 | 82 | 27 | 3 |
1115 | Look honey! He’s standing up. | 1.2946 | 0.05621 | 112 | 87 | 17 | 8 |
1116 | He’s going to make kindergarten great again. | 1.2946 | 0.05174 | 112 | 84 | 23 | 5 |
1117 | Definitely presidential material | 1.2946 | 0.05327 | 112 | 85 | 21 | 6 |
1118 | Our boy got enough new donors to be a part of the next Democratic debate! | 1.2946 | 0.04684 | 112 | 81 | 29 | 2 |
1119 | I am so proud, Dear. It's his first live podcast! | 1.2946 | 0.05016 | 112 | 83 | 25 | 4 |
1120 | First of all, I'd like to thank my parents; without whom I wouln't be here. | 1.2946 | 0.04853 | 112 | 82 | 27 | 3 |
1121 | Baby monitors are so 2009 | 1.2946 | 0.04853 | 112 | 82 | 27 | 3 |
1122 | Oh, look honey, his first stand up." | 1.2946 | 0.05476 | 112 | 86 | 19 | 7 |
1123 | Look Howard, he's a stable genius. | 1.2946 | 0.05476 | 112 | 86 | 19 | 7 |
1124 | Just think how much better he'll sound when he can actually talk. | 1.2946 | 0.04853 | 112 | 82 | 27 | 3 |
1125 | Two babies walk into a bar.... | 1.2946 | 0.05327 | 112 | 85 | 21 | 6 |
1126 | His first attempt at stand up. | 1.2946 | 0.05174 | 112 | 84 | 23 | 5 |
1127 | Just yesterday he was crawling. Today he’s doing stand-up. | 1.2946 | 0.05621 | 112 | 87 | 17 | 8 |
1128 | I just hope he isn't still breastfeeding by the time he starts doing interviews. | 1.2946 | 0.05174 | 112 | 84 | 23 | 5 |
1129 | I ain't nothing but a hound dog, cryin' all the time. | 1.2946 | 0.04853 | 112 | 82 | 27 | 3 |
1130 | Look, honey! He’s playing Democratic debate again. | 1.2946 | 0.05016 | 112 | 83 | 25 | 4 |
1131 | And here they are! Two of my most fantastic supporters, and I gotta tell you the truth, they are extraordinary, beautiful, really great people to who we all owe tons of gratitude... | 1.2946 | 0.05476 | 112 | 86 | 19 | 7 |
1132 | He's so advanced! Most kids don't start podcasting until 18 months... | 1.2946 | 0.05327 | 112 | 85 | 21 | 6 |
1133 | Oh, look, John, he's ready for the primaries! | 1.2946 | 0.05476 | 112 | 86 | 19 | 7 |
1134 | Warning: The Surgeon General advises limiting the amount of U-Tube viewing during pregnancy. | 1.2946 | 0.05476 | 112 | 86 | 19 | 7 |
1135 | Baby’s first filibuster!!!! | 1.2946 | 0.05327 | 112 | 85 | 21 | 6 |
1136 | C’mon honey, it’s not like he’s the only one talking gibberish. | 1.2946 | 0.05476 | 112 | 86 | 19 | 7 |
1137 | He can speak Chinese! | 1.2946 | 0.05327 | 112 | 85 | 21 | 6 |
1138 | Dada.dadadada...I have all the BEST words... | 1.2946 | 0.05174 | 112 | 84 | 23 | 5 |
1139 | Awww, his first stand up. | 1.2946 | 0.05476 | 112 | 86 | 19 | 7 |
1140 | Well honey, we should have seen this coming. Before he can walk he's gotta learn to stand up. | 1.2946 | 0.04853 | 112 | 82 | 27 | 3 |
1141 | Yes, I'm sure he said 'Lock her up'! | 1.2946 | 0.05476 | 112 | 86 | 19 | 7 |
1142 | Ever notice how parents get all stupid and excited whenever they see you standing up on your own? It's enough to make you wanna vomit...again. Huh? Am I right, infants? Am I right? | 1.2946 | 0.05016 | 112 | 83 | 25 | 4 |
1143 | See, give him a microphone and his insecurities disappear . He could grow up to be President! | 1.2946 | 0.05174 | 112 | 84 | 23 | 5 |
1144 | What a genius. Soon he'll be able to afford his own crib. | 1.2936 | 0.05099 | 109 | 81 | 24 | 4 |
1145 | What don't you get about "I need my diaper changed?" | 1.2936 | 0.05422 | 109 | 83 | 20 | 6 |
1146 | Is the baby monitor on? | 1.2936 | 0.05263 | 109 | 82 | 22 | 5 |
1147 | Thank you for coming. | 1.2936 | 0.05422 | 109 | 83 | 20 | 6 |
1148 | I'm glad we redecorated the Oval Office for the State of the Union Address. | 1.2936 | 0.05422 | 109 | 83 | 20 | 6 |
1149 | I told you it would help him with his stand up. | 1.2936 | 0.05422 | 109 | 83 | 20 | 6 |
1150 | You in the back. Grow up! | 1.2936 | 0.04929 | 109 | 80 | 26 | 3 |
1151 | Baby Gaga! | 1.2936 | 0.05263 | 109 | 82 | 22 | 5 |
1152 | I just knew he’d open with ‘fly me to the moon.’ | 1.2936 | 0.05099 | 109 | 81 | 24 | 4 |
1153 | Look honey, he's performing his first stand up all by himself! | 1.2936 | 0.05263 | 109 | 82 | 22 | 5 |
1154 | He's here every night! | 1.2936 | 0.05422 | 109 | 83 | 20 | 6 |
1155 | Shh. He's about to say his first word. | 1.2936 | 0.05263 | 109 | 82 | 22 | 5 |
1156 | Is this what they meant when they said there would be Late Nights? | 1.2936 | 0.04929 | 109 | 80 | 26 | 3 |
1157 | He said he will colonize Mars, end all war, and balance the budget as soon as we change his diaper. | 1.2936 | 0.05422 | 109 | 83 | 20 | 6 |
1158 | I think he's ready for his first TED talk! | 1.2936 | 0.05576 | 109 | 84 | 18 | 7 |
1159 | Look honey, he's got your father's incoherent grandstanding genes! | 1.2936 | 0.05422 | 109 | 83 | 20 | 6 |
1160 | He's so smart he's not even using crib notes. | 1.2936 | 0.05422 | 109 | 83 | 20 | 6 |
1161 | I think he's about to announce his choice of sexual identity! | 1.2936 | 0.05263 | 109 | 82 | 22 | 5 |
1162 | My mom said I should move onto solids. I said, don't do yourself down, they're still pretty firm | 1.2936 | 0.05873 | 109 | 86 | 14 | 9 |
1163 | Just think: as soon as he is potty trained he will be running for office! | 1.2936 | 0.05263 | 109 | 82 | 22 | 5 |
1164 | He has your idiot savantness. | 1.2936 | 0.05263 | 109 | 82 | 22 | 5 |
1165 | I've already trademarked "Justin Bébé!" | 1.2936 | 0.05263 | 109 | 82 | 22 | 5 |
1166 | That's okay, I haven't heard of me either. | 1.2936 | 0.05099 | 109 | 81 | 24 | 4 |
1167 | Just think what he'll sound like when he learns words, honey! | 1.2936 | 0.05263 | 109 | 82 | 22 | 5 |
1168 | ...that among these are — life, liberty, and stoking my infantile urges. | 1.2936 | 0.04929 | 109 | 80 | 26 | 3 |
1169 | He already has five thousand followers. | 1.2936 | 0.05422 | 109 | 83 | 20 | 6 |
1170 | He's debating his teddy bear about when bedtime should be. Our little future president. | 1.2936 | 0.05263 | 109 | 82 | 22 | 5 |
1171 | They grow up so fast, don’t they? Yesterday his baby talk was unbearably cute. Today he’s almost finished dumbing down his base. | 1.2936 | 0.05099 | 109 | 81 | 24 | 4 |
1172 | He's doing stand-up before he can stand up! | 1.2936 | 0.05576 | 109 | 84 | 18 | 7 |
1173 | I get no respect at all. In preschool I share a locker with a broom. | 1.2936 | 0.05727 | 109 | 85 | 16 | 8 |
1174 | See, he's mastered stand-up! | 1.2936 | 0.05422 | 109 | 83 | 20 | 6 |
1175 | He told his first lie! | 1.2936 | 0.04929 | 109 | 80 | 26 | 3 |
1176 | He distinctly said DaDa. Our boy is an art critic! | 1.2936 | 0.04929 | 109 | 80 | 26 | 3 |
1177 | The Continental Army suffered a bitter winter of Valley Forge....It rammed the ramparts, it took over the airports, it did everything it had to do … | 1.2936 | 0.05576 | 109 | 84 | 18 | 7 |
1178 | He's telling a lot of "mama" jokes | 1.2936 | 0.05263 | 109 | 82 | 22 | 5 |
1179 | Take my parents - - please! | 1.2936 | 0.05576 | 109 | 84 | 18 | 7 |
1180 | Yo momma is so dumb, she didn’t realize Bert and Ernie were lovers. | 1.2936 | 0.04929 | 109 | 80 | 26 | 3 |
1181 | He gets it from me. | 1.2936 | 0.05099 | 109 | 81 | 24 | 4 |
1182 | I knew we were right to name him Mike. | 1.2936 | 0.05576 | 109 | 84 | 18 | 7 |
1183 | So I says, sleep? SLEEP?! Talk to me in 18 years! | 1.2936 | 0.05099 | 109 | 81 | 24 | 4 |
1184 | I think the President will love his new spokesman! | 1.2936 | 0.05576 | 109 | 84 | 18 | 7 |
1185 | Now that Daddy’s home, tell Mommy again what you saw Daddy doing with the Nanny. | 1.2936 | 0.05422 | 109 | 83 | 20 | 6 |
1186 | I'm so glad we got that karaoke machine. | 1.2936 | 0.05099 | 109 | 81 | 24 | 4 |
1187 | Aspiring to be a day time host would have been so much easier. | 1.2936 | 0.04929 | 109 | 80 | 26 | 3 |
1188 | He was born to do stand-up. | 1.2925 | 0.05186 | 106 | 79 | 23 | 4 |
1189 | His demographic is pretty much cradle to grave. | 1.2925 | 0.05682 | 106 | 82 | 17 | 7 |
1190 | OK, I have time for one last question. | 1.2925 | 0.05522 | 106 | 81 | 19 | 6 |
1191 | It’s part of his bedtime routine | 1.2925 | 0.05186 | 106 | 79 | 23 | 4 |
1192 | I'm so proud; he fired his first teddy bear today! | 1.2913 | 0.05627 | 103 | 79 | 18 | 6 |
1193 | How do you know your Daddy's a redneck, Darling? | 1.2913 | 0.05455 | 103 | 78 | 20 | 5 |
1194 | He said, "But seriously"! | 1.2913 | 0.05278 | 103 | 77 | 22 | 4 |
1195 | Thanks very much, folks. I'm Baby Gaga. | 1.2913 | 0.05627 | 103 | 79 | 18 | 6 |
1196 | He's rapping about his crib! | 1.2913 | 0.05793 | 103 | 80 | 16 | 7 |
1197 | Alert TMZ I'm in the DMZ! And remove the McCain ship from my mobile! | 1.2913 | 0.05793 | 103 | 80 | 16 | 7 |
1198 | All of the diapers iv'e changed and he wants us to pay admission! | 1.2913 | 0.05627 | 103 | 79 | 18 | 6 |
1199 | Did you hear that?! He just gave his first late-night monologue! | 1.2913 | 0.05455 | 103 | 78 | 20 | 5 |
1200 | 'Hello Cleveland.' | 1.2913 | 0.05793 | 103 | 80 | 16 | 7 |
1201 | Thank you! You've been a great audience, I'd love to invite you all back to my crib for a nightcap. | 1.2913 | 0.05094 | 103 | 76 | 24 | 3 |
1202 | I'd like to thank the Academy. | 1.2913 | 0.05627 | 103 | 79 | 18 | 6 |
1203 | Our Creator changed me, and I was made like new. But I've sullied myself. Yes, I, like this Teddy before you, am fallen. Change me, O Holy One, and I shall be made clean! I look to the Light, for comfort comes each dawn. Someone say amen! | 1.2913 | 0.05793 | 103 | 80 | 16 | 7 |
1204 | And now my very first word will be...... | 1.2913 | 0.05455 | 103 | 78 | 20 | 5 |
1205 | Make yourselves right at home. folks, I'll be here for the next seventeen years. | 1.2913 | 0.05627 | 103 | 79 | 18 | 6 |
1206 | And the winner is: Dad’s turn to change my diaper | 1.2913 | 0.05455 | 103 | 78 | 20 | 5 |
1207 | I have a feeling Timmy will say his first word today, but let’s not pressure him. | 1.2913 | 0.05455 | 103 | 78 | 20 | 5 |
1208 | I come to bury Caesar not to praise him. | 1.2913 | 0.05793 | 103 | 80 | 16 | 7 |
1209 | Freud didn't write about this developmental stage! | 1.2913 | 0.05627 | 103 | 79 | 18 | 6 |
1210 | He's either got a poopie diaper or he's declared war on North Korea. I'm not sure which. | 1.2913 | 0.05455 | 103 | 78 | 20 | 5 |
1211 | And you thought we’d have to pay for college. | 1.2913 | 0.05278 | 103 | 77 | 22 | 4 |
1212 | Now all he needs is a Twitter account. | 1.2913 | 0.05278 | 103 | 77 | 22 | 4 |
1213 | See? I knew if we just waited a little longer he'd sing Nessun Dorma! | 1.2913 | 0.05455 | 103 | 78 | 20 | 5 |
1214 | Stan we're watching too much cable news. Literally everyone in the country believes they can get up on that debate stage and challenge the President. | 1.2913 | 0.05278 | 103 | 77 | 22 | 4 |
1215 | Thank you David Letterboy! | 1.2913 | 0.05278 | 103 | 77 | 22 | 4 |
1216 | The name's Jason, and I'm here every night | 1.2913 | 0.05455 | 103 | 78 | 20 | 5 |
1217 | Stop me if you've heard this one before. | 1.2913 | 0.05793 | 103 | 80 | 16 | 7 |
1218 | I see my parents are in the audience tonight, they look about one more "netflix and chill" evenings away from divorce | 1.2913 | 0.05793 | 103 | 80 | 16 | 7 |
1219 | I'd like to dedicate my next vocalization to my parents, who have always been my biggest fans. | 1.2913 | 0.05627 | 103 | 79 | 18 | 6 |
1220 | His first insult! | 1.2913 | 0.05793 | 103 | 80 | 16 | 7 |
1221 | Best baby monitor ever | 1.2911 | 0.06280 | 79 | 60 | 15 | 4 |
1222 | Look honey, his first podcast! | 1.2909 | 0.05222 | 110 | 83 | 22 | 5 |
1223 | Susan, I'm not sure you should have binge-watched "The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel" while you were pregnant. | 1.2909 | 0.05379 | 110 | 84 | 20 | 6 |
1224 | But seriously, folks...how do you guys breathe if I have your nose and her mouth? | 1.2909 | 0.05222 | 110 | 83 | 22 | 5 |
1225 | Here's Johnny! | 1.2909 | 0.05059 | 110 | 82 | 24 | 4 |
1226 | This is how Jerry Seinfeld got started. | 1.2909 | 0.05059 | 110 | 82 | 24 | 4 |
1227 | He performed the sound check all by himself. | 1.2909 | 0.05379 | 110 | 84 | 20 | 6 |
1228 | It's so nice he has moved on to Roosevelt! Lincoln's gettysburg was getting a little too familiar..... | 1.2909 | 0.05222 | 110 | 83 | 22 | 5 |
1229 | Look honey, I gave birth to a Congressman! | 1.2909 | 0.04718 | 110 | 80 | 28 | 2 |
1230 | Live! from New York, its Saturday Night! | 1.2909 | 0.05532 | 110 | 85 | 18 | 7 |
1231 | Finally! A platform to communicate with Republicans! | 1.2909 | 0.05379 | 110 | 84 | 20 | 6 |
1232 | I felt the bit about watching us have sex was kind of unnecessary. | 1.2909 | 0.05059 | 110 | 82 | 24 | 4 |
1233 | His eating mud bit always kills. | 1.2909 | 0.05222 | 110 | 83 | 22 | 5 |
1234 | Honey! It's his very first conspiracy rant! | 1.2909 | 0.05379 | 110 | 84 | 20 | 6 |
1235 | Welcome to my crib. My next song is a sleeper hit. | 1.2909 | 0.05059 | 110 | 82 | 24 | 4 |
1236 | I just love it when he says,"My fellow Americans." | 1.2909 | 0.04892 | 110 | 81 | 26 | 3 |
1237 | When you said baby rap I thought you meant a blanket. | 1.2909 | 0.05379 | 110 | 84 | 20 | 6 |
1238 | One small step for Mom and Dad; one giant leap for Teddy | 1.2909 | 0.04718 | 110 | 80 | 28 | 2 |
1239 | Well the delivery was awful, but the vocals are terrific ! | 1.2909 | 0.04718 | 110 | 80 | 28 | 2 |
1240 | Now aren't you glad we named him Mike? | 1.2909 | 0.05379 | 110 | 84 | 20 | 6 |
1241 | A Presidential contender! | 1.2909 | 0.05059 | 110 | 82 | 24 | 4 |
1242 | I told you he was going to be the voice of his generation ! | 1.2909 | 0.05059 | 110 | 82 | 24 | 4 |
1243 | From infancy to candidacy. I told you he's gifted. | 1.2909 | 0.05379 | 110 | 84 | 20 | 6 |
1244 | Finally - his first words! "No comment" | 1.2909 | 0.04892 | 110 | 81 | 26 | 3 |
1245 | Wow, we really nailed it by naming him DJ! | 1.2909 | 0.05532 | 110 | 85 | 18 | 7 |
1246 | It's America's Next Top Toddler. | 1.2909 | 0.05222 | 110 | 83 | 22 | 5 |
1247 | Perfect timing... for my next song I’d like to sing “Born in the USA”. | 1.2909 | 0.05059 | 110 | 82 | 24 | 4 |
1248 | I'd book him a nightclub gig, but it would be way past his bedtime. | 1.2909 | 0.05059 | 110 | 82 | 24 | 4 |
1249 | Is it too soon to bring him to the FOX News Broadcast Center? | 1.2909 | 0.05532 | 110 | 85 | 18 | 7 |
1250 | Yes, it’s true I’m afraid. My understanding of the world, human history and relations and even economics is immeasurably more sophisticated, comprehensive and nuanced than the ethically bereft fraud that somehow got elected by you. ...bottle please | 1.2909 | 0.05826 | 110 | 87 | 14 | 9 |
1251 | Which do you think it will be? Mamma or Dadda? | 1.2909 | 0.05222 | 110 | 83 | 22 | 5 |
1252 | I'm more of a boob man, myself. | 1.2909 | 0.05826 | 110 | 87 | 14 | 9 |
1253 | It works, but not as well as your poop jokes. | 1.2909 | 0.05301 | 110 | 86 | 17 | 7 |
1254 | Honey, it's his first time doing stand-up. | 1.2900 | 0.05911 | 100 | 78 | 15 | 7 |
1255 | The jokes aren't bad but I don't care for the potty mouth. | 1.2885 | 0.05744 | 104 | 81 | 16 | 7 |
1256 | Folks, we'll be right back with the weather after a brief diaper change. | 1.2885 | 0.05409 | 104 | 79 | 20 | 5 |
1257 | Awwwwwwww! His first word... "Impeachment." | 1.2885 | 0.05744 | 104 | 81 | 16 | 7 |
1258 | Did you hear that? He just said "fake news"! | 1.2885 | 0.05905 | 104 | 82 | 14 | 8 |
1259 | It's his first state of our union speech! | 1.2885 | 0.05579 | 104 | 80 | 18 | 6 |
1260 | Shhh... he’s doing his podcast. | 1.2885 | 0.05744 | 104 | 81 | 16 | 7 |
1261 | Darling, I think he has a chance!! | 1.2885 | 0.05579 | 104 | 80 | 18 | 6 |
1262 | We can quit our jobs! | 1.2885 | 0.05744 | 104 | 81 | 16 | 7 |
1263 | He said his first lie today! | 1.2885 | 0.04668 | 104 | 75 | 28 | 1 |
1264 | Good Morning Viet Nam! | 1.2883 | 0.05635 | 111 | 87 | 16 | 8 |
1265 | I’d like to thank you Mom and Dad. You’ve been a great audience. I’ll be appearing here at ‘The Crib’ tomorrow night at the same time. By the way, a stool with a bottle of water would be appreciated. My name’s Dickie and good night. | 1.2870 | 0.05432 | 108 | 83 | 19 | 6 |
1266 | That microphone is a much better long-term investment than any of those baby monitors. | 1.2870 | 0.05432 | 108 | 83 | 19 | 6 |
1267 | When I say come and get me I mean COME GET ME! | 1.2870 | 0.05432 | 108 | 83 | 19 | 6 |
1268 | It's perfect. Now when he can't sleep he can podcast. | 1.2870 | 0.05432 | 108 | 83 | 19 | 6 |
1269 | Isn't it amazing? He's the President's new speechwriter. | 1.2870 | 0.05432 | 108 | 83 | 19 | 6 |
1270 | It's not too early for him to declare his candidacy for 2056. | 1.2870 | 0.05589 | 108 | 84 | 17 | 7 |
1271 | To represent the youth vote- Today I am announcing my canidateship for the President of America; now will someone change me. | 1.2870 | 0.04931 | 108 | 80 | 25 | 3 |
1272 | Oh honey, I smell a sitcom! | 1.2870 | 0.05104 | 108 | 81 | 23 | 4 |
1273 | I can‘t wait until he starts talking so we can find out what political party he represents! | 1.2870 | 0.05104 | 108 | 81 | 23 | 4 |
1274 | Tap Tap. “Mama. Dadda. Poop.” | 1.2870 | 0.05589 | 108 | 84 | 17 | 7 |
1275 | I know his jokes are scatological, but I think he's really funny! | 1.2870 | 0.04931 | 108 | 80 | 25 | 3 |
1276 | Awww See? He said Grab em in the pussy! Just like our President! - said no parent ever | 1.2870 | 0.05589 | 108 | 84 | 17 | 7 |
1277 | Isn't this wonderful, dear? He just spoke his first truthful words. | 1.2870 | 0.05589 | 108 | 84 | 17 | 7 |
1278 | I guess he wasn't getting enough views on the baby monitor. | 1.2870 | 0.04753 | 108 | 79 | 27 | 2 |
1279 | It's the largest audience ever to witness an inauguration! | 1.2870 | 0.05271 | 108 | 82 | 21 | 5 |
1280 | I want to wake up in that city That doesn't sleep And find I'm king of the hill Top of the heap | 1.2870 | 0.05271 | 108 | 82 | 21 | 5 |
1281 | I heard him! "One giant poop for mankind!" | 1.2870 | 0.05432 | 108 | 83 | 19 | 6 |
1282 | He says “dropped baby” jokes are derivative. | 1.2870 | 0.05104 | 108 | 81 | 23 | 4 |
1283 | This is so much better than a baby monitor | 1.2870 | 0.05432 | 108 | 83 | 19 | 6 |
1284 | It's time to pass the torch to a new generation! | 1.2870 | 0.05104 | 108 | 81 | 23 | 4 |
1285 | I still think he’s got a better chance than O’Rourke. | 1.2870 | 0.04931 | 108 | 80 | 25 | 3 |
1286 | Oh honey, look! It’s baby’s first podcast! | 1.2870 | 0.05104 | 108 | 81 | 23 | 4 |
1287 | He's got your lack of talent. | 1.2870 | 0.05589 | 108 | 84 | 17 | 7 |
1288 | Listen honey, he sounds just like the president. | 1.2870 | 0.05432 | 108 | 83 | 19 | 6 |
1289 | I love how he never plays down to his audience. | 1.2870 | 0.05271 | 108 | 82 | 21 | 5 |
1290 | Doesn't he look so presidential? | 1.2870 | 0.05742 | 108 | 85 | 15 | 8 |
1291 | He's never been in a closet. How can he announce that he is coming out? | 1.2870 | 0.05891 | 108 | 86 | 13 | 9 |
1292 | He’s funny, but it’s your turn to change him”. | 1.2870 | 0.05432 | 108 | 83 | 19 | 6 |
1293 | And for my next act I'm going to go to bed. | 1.2870 | 0.05104 | 108 | 81 | 23 | 4 |
1294 | Honey, he's gone viral! Well have you called the doctor? | 1.2870 | 0.05432 | 108 | 83 | 19 | 6 |
1295 | It's not unusual to be loved by everyone. | 1.2870 | 0.05589 | 108 | 84 | 17 | 7 |
1296 | We finally have a retirement plan! | 1.2870 | 0.05432 | 108 | 83 | 19 | 6 |
1297 | Finally, a candidate with a clean background. | 1.2870 | 0.05271 | 108 | 82 | 21 | 5 |
1298 | He's against my reproductive rights. | 1.2870 | 0.05589 | 108 | 84 | 17 | 7 |
1299 | So the sperm donor was a standup comic after-all! | 1.2870 | 0.05104 | 108 | 81 | 23 | 4 |
1300 | Sure he sounds childish to us, but there are a lot of people who think he's brilliant. | 1.2870 | 0.05589 | 108 | 84 | 17 | 7 |
1301 | Now he just needs three recommendation letters for that preschool interview. | 1.2870 | 0.05589 | 108 | 84 | 17 | 7 |
1302 | I love the part when he drops the mike and says 'bambino out!' | 1.2870 | 0.05271 | 108 | 82 | 21 | 5 |
1303 | The wheels on the bus go round and round... until it doesn’t. Thank you for coming to my TED Talk. | 1.2870 | 0.05271 | 108 | 82 | 21 | 5 |
1304 | Andrew, honey, let’s show Daddy how we deal with hecklers! | 1.2870 | 0.05432 | 108 | 83 | 19 | 6 |
1305 | Well I do agree with his ice cream for all policy. | 1.2869 | 0.05267 | 122 | 95 | 19 | 8 |
1306 | Wow! It's his first stand-up, honey! | 1.2857 | 0.05191 | 105 | 79 | 22 | 4 |
1307 | A bit scatological but still funny. | 1.2857 | 0.05012 | 105 | 78 | 24 | 3 |
1308 | Oh my, I think I heard the baby's first Fake News. | 1.2857 | 0.05365 | 105 | 80 | 20 | 5 |
1309 | I think he is going to do his stand up routine. | 1.2857 | 0.05191 | 105 | 79 | 22 | 4 |
1310 | Maybe he has seen a little too much SNL. | 1.2857 | 0.05012 | 105 | 78 | 24 | 3 |
1311 | He just accepted the position as Trump's Secretary of Juvenile Insul ts! | 1.2857 | 0.05533 | 105 | 81 | 18 | 6 |
1312 | How cute, he’s practicing his inauguration speech . | 1.2857 | 0.05696 | 105 | 82 | 16 | 7 |
1313 | Aww...his first TED talk. | 1.2857 | 0.05365 | 105 | 80 | 20 | 5 |
1314 | ...but it was my time on the inside that really set me on my downward spiral. | 1.2857 | 0.05427 | 98 | 74 | 20 | 4 |
1315 | How do we get a stand up to settle down? | 1.2857 | 0.05365 | 105 | 80 | 20 | 5 |
1316 | A teddy bear, a dinosaur and a clown walk into a daycare ... Performing two shows nightly. Try the strained veal it’s delicious. | 1.2857 | 0.05365 | 105 | 80 | 20 | 5 |
1317 | Please place all your tips in my crib | 1.2857 | 0.05445 | 112 | 87 | 18 | 7 |
1318 | A funny thing happened to me on the way to kindergarten | 1.2857 | 0.05855 | 105 | 83 | 14 | 8 |
1319 | I told you he's a born politician. | 1.2857 | 0.05365 | 105 | 80 | 20 | 5 |
1320 | Oh Bob, look........I think he has a future in politics!" | 1.2857 | 0.05533 | 105 | 81 | 18 | 6 |
1321 | Our very own little rocket man! | 1.2857 | 0.04632 | 105 | 76 | 28 | 1 |
1322 | Remember, sweetie, it starts, "A priest, a rabbi and an atheist meet in a bar...." | 1.2857 | 0.05365 | 105 | 80 | 20 | 5 |
1323 | For just a second, I thought it was Trump with a broken teleprompter... | 1.2857 | 0.05191 | 105 | 79 | 22 | 4 |
1324 | I don't think we should have taken him to see Bohemian Rapsody | 1.2857 | 0.04826 | 105 | 77 | 26 | 2 |
1325 | Oh, honey!, look! He's skipped the baby babble, and has gone right to addressing the shareholders! | 1.2857 | 0.05191 | 105 | 79 | 22 | 4 |
1326 | Dr. Spock never mentioned the two drink minimum | 1.2857 | 0.05533 | 105 | 81 | 18 | 6 |
1327 | Quick! You get the video camera and I’ll heckle him! | 1.2857 | 0.05365 | 105 | 80 | 20 | 5 |
1328 | Thanks folks. I’’m here all week...before bedtime. | 1.2857 | 0.05012 | 105 | 78 | 24 | 3 |
1329 | His material in these late night sets are edgier, but his breast feeding bit is priceless! | 1.2857 | 0.05533 | 105 | 81 | 18 | 6 |
1330 | I think he's going to be a politician. He says he wants to make his nursery great again. | 1.2857 | 0.05533 | 105 | 81 | 18 | 6 |
1331 | I'm so proud! His podcast "Critique from the Crib" has gone viral! | 1.2840 | 0.06628 | 81 | 64 | 11 | 6 |
1332 | He's decided to run! | 1.2830 | 0.05321 | 106 | 81 | 20 | 5 |
1333 | We can't let him watch Fox News !!! | 1.2830 | 0.05321 | 106 | 81 | 20 | 5 |
1334 | Oh, Sweetheart. His first stand-up. | 1.2830 | 0.05487 | 106 | 82 | 18 | 6 |
1335 | If I can make it here, I’ll make it Anywhere... | 1.2830 | 0.05487 | 106 | 82 | 18 | 6 |
1336 | His first words? “Where’s my phone?” | 1.2830 | 0.05487 | 106 | 82 | 18 | 6 |
1337 | His first words were, 'Take my parents, please.' | 1.2830 | 0.05149 | 106 | 80 | 22 | 4 |
1338 | The first one in his preschool with a Netflix special! | 1.2830 | 0.05487 | 106 | 82 | 18 | 6 |
1339 | I thought I heard Sam Cooke’s “A Change is Gonna Come!” | 1.2830 | 0.05487 | 106 | 82 | 18 | 6 |
1340 | You were right Steve. Stand Up has a whole different meaning for his generation. | 1.2830 | 0.05149 | 106 | 80 | 22 | 4 |
1341 | He's practicing to be the White House press secretary. | 1.2830 | 0.05958 | 106 | 85 | 12 | 9 |
1342 | He's finally moved on from sit down comedy. | 1.2830 | 0.05487 | 106 | 82 | 18 | 6 |
1343 | Now we can live vicariously through him and forget we never amounted to anything. | 1.2830 | 0.05321 | 106 | 81 | 20 | 5 |
1344 | And you said those Baby Seinfeld tapes wouldn't work. | 1.2830 | 0.05149 | 106 | 80 | 22 | 4 |
1345 | How adorable! His first words were, "but seriously, folks...". | 1.2830 | 0.04972 | 106 | 79 | 24 | 3 |
1346 | Can uou hear me now? | 1.2830 | 0.05149 | 106 | 80 | 22 | 4 |
1347 | God bless my teddy bear,_Friend that I love,_Please retrieve him,_Relieve him,_From the fall he sustained from above. | 1.2830 | 0.05648 | 106 | 83 | 16 | 7 |
1348 | A little pitchy, and a little stinky, but the kid definitely has what it takes. | 1.2830 | 0.05321 | 106 | 81 | 20 | 5 |
1349 | Oh look, he's announcing for the Democratic nomination! | 1.2830 | 0.05648 | 106 | 83 | 16 | 7 |
1350 | Thanks, I'll be here all week. And next week. And... | 1.2830 | 0.05648 | 106 | 83 | 16 | 7 |
1351 | look, we are raising a politician! | 1.2830 | 0.05149 | 106 | 80 | 22 | 4 |
1352 | So what's the deal with baby mobiles? They don't seem to be going anywhere! | 1.2830 | 0.05321 | 106 | 81 | 20 | 5 |
1353 | We shall fight them on the playgrounds, we shall fight them in the care centres | 1.2830 | 0.05149 | 106 | 80 | 22 | 4 |
1354 | “So far, he’s learned to drop the mike.” | 1.2830 | 0.05321 | 106 | 81 | 20 | 5 |
1355 | Never before has the Mall seen such a patriotic display. I alone can save the country. God bless Me. | 1.2830 | 0.05405 | 106 | 84 | 15 | 7 |
1356 | Hi there. Good to see you. Happy you could stick around. | 1.2830 | 0.04972 | 106 | 79 | 24 | 3 |
1357 | An I'm stuck in Folsom Pwison, an time keep rowwin on . . . | 1.2830 | 0.05648 | 106 | 83 | 16 | 7 |
1358 | Shouldn't he walk before he runs? | 1.2830 | 0.05487 | 106 | 82 | 18 | 6 |
1359 | Regrets...I've had a few... | 1.2830 | 0.05321 | 106 | 81 | 20 | 5 |
1360 | Honey, his oratory is good but he needs to work on his ability to lie. | 1.2830 | 0.05321 | 106 | 81 | 20 | 5 |
1361 | Honey, does he look a little orange to you"? | 1.2830 | 0.05958 | 106 | 85 | 12 | 9 |
1362 | At least he’s not a republican | 1.2830 | 0.05487 | 106 | 82 | 18 | 6 |
1363 | Try the puréed veal and peas. You’re been a great audience.Thank you and night-night. Don’t forget to tip the waitress. | 1.2830 | 0.05648 | 106 | 83 | 16 | 7 |
1364 | Mom, relax. The mic isn't even plugged in; you covered all the outlets before I moved in, remember? | 1.2830 | 0.05487 | 106 | 82 | 18 | 6 |
1365 | Here comes the best part, where he says, 'Tip your waitwess!' | 1.2830 | 0.05321 | 106 | 81 | 20 | 5 |
1366 | As long as he doesnt start singing 'Yesterday' | 1.2830 | 0.04972 | 106 | 79 | 24 | 3 |
1367 | The crib was a gift from Uncle Putin | 1.2830 | 0.05149 | 106 | 80 | 22 | 4 |
1368 | Don’t you think we should wait until he’s no longer speaking gibberish before upgrading the baby monitor? | 1.2830 | 0.04787 | 106 | 78 | 26 | 2 |
1369 | His first words! 'Make America cry again.' | 1.2830 | 0.05321 | 106 | 81 | 20 | 5 |
1370 | Isn't that cute honey? He says we're a great crowd and asking where we're from. | 1.2830 | 0.05487 | 106 | 82 | 18 | 6 |
1371 | Oh Fred! It's his first State of the Nursery! | 1.2830 | 0.05958 | 106 | 85 | 12 | 9 |
1372 | Look honey, our Mikey’s giving his first TED Talk! | 1.2830 | 0.05321 | 106 | 81 | 20 | 5 |
1373 | He says he's not saying another word until his teleprompter is fixed. | 1.2830 | 0.05487 | 106 | 82 | 18 | 6 |
1374 | So a bottle, a jar of baby food, and a nipple walk into a bar… | 1.2830 | 0.05487 | 106 | 82 | 18 | 6 |
1375 | Oh Roger! Our baby is a stand-up comedian! | 1.2830 | 0.04972 | 106 | 79 | 24 | 3 |
1376 | Not only is it better than the baby monitor, but her comparison of partisan politics to mashed bananas is so insightful. | 1.2830 | 0.05149 | 106 | 80 | 22 | 4 |
1377 | Oh my God, Chip, he's doing stand-up! | 1.2830 | 0.04787 | 106 | 78 | 26 | 2 |
1378 | Thank you, folks, you've been a terrific audience! I'll be here all week ... And for the next 17 years! | 1.2830 | 0.05149 | 106 | 80 | 22 | 4 |
1379 | See Honey, I told you not to worry about him being a late talker” | 1.2830 | 0.05149 | 106 | 80 | 22 | 4 |
1380 | Shhh, Let's not disturb him halfway through his set. | 1.2830 | 0.05321 | 106 | 81 | 20 | 5 |
1381 | His first stand-up! Think he'll talk about us? | 1.2830 | 0.05149 | 106 | 80 | 22 | 4 |
1382 | Henny young man! | 1.2830 | 0.05648 | 106 | 83 | 16 | 7 |
1383 | It’s confirmed. Audrey’s “America’s Got Talent Prenatal” app, may, indeed pay off | 1.2830 | 0.05487 | 106 | 82 | 18 | 6 |
1384 | I hope his passion for the arts doesn’t mean he will live with us forever. | 1.2830 | 0.04787 | 106 | 78 | 26 | 2 |
1385 | Hopefully it's about the embargo on strained peas. | 1.2830 | 0.05149 | 106 | 80 | 22 | 4 |
1386 | He's funny, but his riff on breast feeding crosses the line I think".. | 1.2830 | 0.04972 | 106 | 79 | 24 | 3 |
1387 | I think he took “Stand up Mike...” a bit too far. | 1.2830 | 0.05149 | 106 | 80 | 22 | 4 |
1388 | He sounds even better live. | 1.2830 | 0.04972 | 106 | 79 | 24 | 3 |
1389 | Oh look, he's starting to generate his first content! | 1.2830 | 0.05648 | 106 | 83 | 16 | 7 |
1390 | Singing "I Did It My Way" is just so Terrible Two's | 1.2830 | 0.05149 | 106 | 80 | 22 | 4 |
1391 | I admit he's pitchy in his upper register, but listen to that vibrato! | 1.2830 | 0.05149 | 106 | 80 | 22 | 4 |
1392 | See, a baby monitor couldn't do justice to his babble like this! | 1.2830 | 0.05321 | 106 | 81 | 20 | 5 |
1393 | Now, take a drink from your bottle and say: "I don't recall." | 1.2830 | 0.05321 | 106 | 81 | 20 | 5 |
1394 | Isn’t he so electable?! | 1.2830 | 0.05487 | 106 | 82 | 18 | 6 |
1395 | Wow, he’s really killing the stand-up phase, I guess it’s not much longer til he’s walking. | 1.2830 | 0.05321 | 106 | 81 | 20 | 5 |
1396 | We made in time to catch his first stand-up. | 1.2830 | 0.05321 | 106 | 81 | 20 | 5 |
1397 | He's defending the president's reference to airports during the Revolutionary War. | 1.2830 | 0.05958 | 106 | 85 | 12 | 9 |
1398 | He's never even been on an airplane, but he's so right about the food! | 1.2830 | 0.05061 | 106 | 82 | 19 | 5 |
1399 | Only yesterday he was crawling, now he's doing stand up! | 1.2830 | 0.04972 | 106 | 79 | 24 | 3 |
1400 | You should hear him sing, "Let me be your teddy bear." | 1.2830 | 0.05321 | 106 | 81 | 20 | 5 |
1401 | Why did we put a poster on the outside of the door? | 1.2828 | 0.05185 | 99 | 74 | 22 | 3 |
1402 | Honey, Jimmy just said his first words, it was 'what's the deal with baby food nowadays'?" | 1.2816 | 0.05590 | 103 | 80 | 17 | 6 |
1403 | Just two weeks ago technically I wasn’t a stand-up. | 1.2816 | 0.05239 | 103 | 78 | 21 | 4 |
1404 | What'd I tell you? He's doing standup already! | 1.2816 | 0.05054 | 103 | 77 | 23 | 3 |
1405 | He just needs to learn how to tweet! | 1.2816 | 0.05418 | 103 | 79 | 19 | 5 |
1406 | Oh, honey! His first bit! | 1.2816 | 0.05239 | 103 | 78 | 21 | 4 |
1407 | I would like to thank the Democratic National Party for including me in their 2019 Presidential Debates | 1.2816 | 0.05239 | 103 | 78 | 21 | 4 |
1408 | I think he ready to say his first words | 1.2816 | 0.05239 | 103 | 78 | 21 | 4 |
1409 | Quiet! His first word is about to be broadcasted ! | 1.2816 | 0.05239 | 103 | 78 | 21 | 4 |
1410 | I'd like to start by thanking my mother for giving me a beautiful ego... | 1.2804 | 0.05442 | 107 | 83 | 18 | 6 |
1411 | Honey - when you said we had to deal with non-stop scatting tonight, I expected something much worse. | 1.2796 | 0.05795 | 93 | 72 | 16 | 5 |
1412 | He does NOT look like my boss, Howard!! | 1.2796 | 0.05993 | 93 | 73 | 14 | 6 |
1413 | He's very dry. Unlike his diaper. | 1.2791 | 0.05883 | 86 | 66 | 16 | 4 |
1414 | And Charles, he's polling in the top percentile! | 1.2788 | 0.05195 | 104 | 79 | 21 | 4 |
1415 | What’s a covfefe? | 1.2788 | 0.05372 | 104 | 80 | 19 | 5 |
1416 | His first podcast! | 1.2788 | 0.05195 | 104 | 79 | 21 | 4 |
1417 | He's doing Dangerfield! | 1.2788 | 0.05012 | 104 | 78 | 23 | 3 |
1418 | I hope our little Donald never changes | 1.2788 | 0.05372 | 104 | 80 | 19 | 5 |
1419 | And so I says, "What, am I gonna change my own diapers?" | 1.2788 | 0.05870 | 104 | 83 | 13 | 8 |
1420 | Doing stand-up already! | 1.2788 | 0.05195 | 104 | 79 | 21 | 4 |
1421 | He even looks like Ike! | 1.2788 | 0.05372 | 104 | 80 | 19 | 5 |
1422 | He's already funnier than Dennis Miller | 1.2788 | 0.05372 | 104 | 80 | 19 | 5 |
1423 | Thank you, I'll be here all night. | 1.2788 | 0.05195 | 104 | 79 | 21 | 4 |
1424 | Honey look, he's finally doing standup! | 1.2788 | 0.05012 | 104 | 78 | 23 | 3 |
1425 | Don't forget to try the milk. | 1.2788 | 0.05372 | 104 | 80 | 19 | 5 |
1426 | It seems like they start campaigning early every year. | 1.2788 | 0.05543 | 104 | 81 | 17 | 6 |
1427 | Almost everyone agrees, I'm a child at heart. | 1.2788 | 0.05543 | 104 | 81 | 17 | 6 |
1428 | My first campaign promise is to eat vegetables | 1.2788 | 0.05870 | 104 | 83 | 13 | 8 |
1429 | This next tune is called, "Change my diaper! " | 1.2788 | 0.05372 | 104 | 80 | 19 | 5 |
1430 | Who knew that narcissism could be so adorable? | 1.2788 | 0.05372 | 104 | 80 | 19 | 5 |
1431 | Thank goodness! I was afraid he was going to grow up to be an astronaut. | 1.2788 | 0.05195 | 104 | 79 | 21 | 4 |
1432 | And to think, you discouraged me from listening to Eminem for those nine months! | 1.2788 | 0.05012 | 104 | 78 | 23 | 3 |
1433 | Look! His first stand-up! | 1.2788 | 0.05012 | 104 | 78 | 23 | 3 |
1434 | Honey, these are our precious moments before fame, millions of dollars, adoring fans,private jets, and rehabs take him from us. | 1.2788 | 0.05195 | 104 | 79 | 21 | 4 |
1435 | I think he knows about the baby monitor! | 1.2788 | 0.05372 | 104 | 80 | 19 | 5 |
1436 | Look, honey, he can stand-up and tell jokes. | 1.2788 | 0.05372 | 104 | 80 | 19 | 5 |
1437 | His agent was right. He IS ready. | 1.2788 | 0.05372 | 104 | 80 | 19 | 5 |
1438 | His first open mike night! | 1.2788 | 0.05709 | 104 | 82 | 15 | 7 |
1439 | Are you ready for his first word? | 1.2788 | 0.05195 | 104 | 79 | 21 | 4 |
1440 | Getting into preschool has gotten really competitive. | 1.2788 | 0.05709 | 104 | 82 | 15 | 7 |
1441 | Farewell early development. Its been a lot of gas. | 1.2788 | 0.04625 | 104 | 76 | 27 | 1 |
1442 | Our baby’s going to be a great dictator! | 1.2788 | 0.05543 | 104 | 81 | 17 | 6 |
1443 | ...and now, for all my fans under 18 months,..."Don't fence me in"... | 1.2788 | 0.05195 | 104 | 79 | 21 | 4 |
1444 | I know you were skeptical about not getting a traditional baby monitor, but this was his best monologue about losing his teddy bear yet! | 1.2788 | 0.04823 | 104 | 77 | 25 | 2 |
1445 | He’s handled his first heckler. | 1.2788 | 0.05709 | 104 | 82 | 15 | 7 |
1446 | If he can make it here he can make it anywhere! | 1.2788 | 0.05372 | 104 | 80 | 19 | 5 |
1447 | CNN's starting minute-by-minute coverage of the 2056 election." | 1.2788 | 0.05543 | 104 | 81 | 17 | 6 |
1448 | Parents, party of two. Your child is ready. | 1.2788 | 0.05372 | 104 | 80 | 19 | 5 |
1449 | I knew he would start talking when he had something important to say. | 1.2788 | 0.04823 | 104 | 77 | 25 | 2 |
1450 | He's pretending the Fourth of July belongs to him! | 1.2788 | 0.04823 | 104 | 77 | 25 | 2 |
1451 | I tell my dad, once a week isn't so bad. There are some guys my mother has cut off completely. | 1.2788 | 0.04823 | 104 | 77 | 25 | 2 |
1452 | He didn't drop the mike, but he did drop the bear! | 1.2788 | 0.05372 | 104 | 80 | 19 | 5 |
1453 | Liam's "Poddycast" now outranks Joe Rogan! | 1.2788 | 0.05372 | 104 | 80 | 19 | 5 |
1454 | This is better than his soapbox. | 1.2788 | 0.04823 | 104 | 77 | 25 | 2 |
1455 | Coming live from The Crib, a hot spot where the stuff always hits the fan. | 1.2788 | 0.05709 | 104 | 82 | 15 | 7 |
1456 | We babies get no respect! | 1.2788 | 0.05372 | 104 | 80 | 19 | 5 |
1457 | What if he grows up to be a professional karaoke singer? Or, worse yet, President? | 1.2788 | 0.05543 | 104 | 81 | 17 | 6 |
1458 | I’ll be here for the next 17 years, folks. Please tip your servers. | 1.2788 | 0.05543 | 104 | 81 | 17 | 6 |
1459 | CNN chose him to comment on infant rights. | 1.2788 | 0.05012 | 104 | 78 | 23 | 3 |
1460 | Oh honey, it's his first stand-up!" | 1.2788 | 0.05012 | 104 | 78 | 23 | 3 |
1461 | You know what I hate about breast milk... | 1.2788 | 0.05709 | 104 | 82 | 15 | 7 |
1462 | God, I hope he is funny. | 1.2788 | 0.05372 | 104 | 80 | 19 | 5 |
1463 | That is our retirement, honey! | 1.2788 | 0.05195 | 104 | 79 | 21 | 4 |
1464 | He's a little bit Rush and a little bit Rachel! | 1.2788 | 0.05372 | 104 | 80 | 19 | 5 |
1465 | Ted’s first talk! | 1.2788 | 0.05012 | 104 | 78 | 23 | 3 |
1466 | You're right, a teleprompter would spoil his spontaneity. | 1.2788 | 0.05195 | 104 | 79 | 21 | 4 |
1467 | This is exciting! He knows all the words to "American Pie." | 1.2788 | 0.05543 | 104 | 81 | 17 | 6 |
1468 | His cries for attention are becoming more and more presidential! | 1.2788 | 0.05012 | 104 | 78 | 23 | 3 |
1469 | He just said his first “Fake News!” | 1.2788 | 0.05372 | 104 | 80 | 19 | 5 |
1470 | Oh look!! He's doing a sound-check for his 3AM colic bout. | 1.2788 | 0.05195 | 104 | 79 | 21 | 4 |
1471 | Thank God he's stopped tweeting! | 1.2778 | 0.04893 | 108 | 81 | 24 | 3 |
1472 | My next number will be Folsom Prison Blues. | 1.2772 | 0.05650 | 101 | 79 | 16 | 6 |
1473 | Good morning! We are now inviting passengers with small children, to begin boarding at this time. | 1.2772 | 0.05097 | 101 | 76 | 22 | 3 |
1474 | I'm so happy he got the rid of the band and is going solo. | 1.2772 | 0.05097 | 101 | 76 | 22 | 3 |
1475 | I got nothing! | 1.2766 | 0.05741 | 94 | 73 | 16 | 5 |
1476 | Our baby is finally doing stand-up! | 1.2766 | 0.05327 | 94 | 71 | 20 | 3 |
1477 | His first diatribe | 1.2766 | 0.05741 | 94 | 73 | 16 | 5 |
1478 | ...And THIS next cry goes out to GERBER, for their STRAINED PEAS..... | 1.2766 | 0.05327 | 94 | 71 | 20 | 3 |
1479 | This next one is for you, Mommy. | 1.2763 | 0.06379 | 76 | 59 | 13 | 4 |
1480 | Today I announce my candidacy for President of the United States 2060, assuming Trump has been impeached then. | 1.2759 | 0.06476 | 87 | 70 | 10 | 7 |
1481 | This ought to get her ready for 2056. | 1.2747 | 0.05649 | 91 | 70 | 17 | 4 |
1482 | nan | 1.2747 | 0.05861 | 91 | 71 | 15 | 5 |
1483 | He’s ready for America’s Got Talent show. | 1.2747 | 0.05861 | 91 | 71 | 15 | 5 |
1484 | Lets make a drummer | 1.2747 | 0.06264 | 91 | 73 | 11 | 7 |
1485 | Quiet, honey! He's about to say his best words! | 1.2745 | 0.04858 | 102 | 76 | 24 | 2 |
1486 | He's already gone viral with his Generation Z followers. | 1.2743 | 0.05370 | 113 | 89 | 17 | 7 |
1487 | Let me tell you why being mayor of South Bend qualifies me to be President. | 1.2740 | 0.07103 | 73 | 59 | 8 | 6 |
1488 | He just said his first word. Only I can't repeat in. | 1.2736 | 0.04746 | 106 | 79 | 25 | 2 |
1489 | I'm so proud.I think our little boy said 'get your ass in here'. | 1.2727 | 0.05337 | 99 | 76 | 19 | 4 |
1490 | Open with the diaper bit. It'll slay 'em. | 1.2727 | 0.05140 | 99 | 75 | 21 | 3 |
1491 | You said it was a baby monitor, not a baby monologue | 1.2727 | 0.04936 | 99 | 74 | 23 | 2 |
1492 | He really knows how to work the bedroom. | 1.2727 | 0.05337 | 99 | 76 | 19 | 4 |
1493 | He sounds better with a full diaper.” | 1.2727 | 0.05337 | 99 | 76 | 19 | 4 |
1494 | He’s a little bit of an extrovert. | 1.2727 | 0.05140 | 99 | 75 | 21 | 3 |
1495 | Yes, but he's our little dictator. | 1.2727 | 0.05140 | 99 | 75 | 21 | 3 |
1496 | Well, my time is up. I just want to say, You've been a great crowd! Thanks a pantload!" | 1.2727 | 0.05888 | 99 | 79 | 13 | 7 |
1497 | An E-Baby Book moment, his first U-Tube! | 1.2727 | 0.05337 | 99 | 76 | 19 | 4 |
1498 | Twenty more donors and he'll qualify for the next Democratic debate. | 1.2727 | 0.05527 | 99 | 77 | 17 | 5 |
1499 | Let's give him every opportunity to realize his dream... starting with a horrible childhood. | 1.2727 | 0.05337 | 99 | 76 | 19 | 4 |
1500 | I just flew in from daycare, boy are my arms tired. Thank you very much folks, I’ll be here all year. | 1.2727 | 0.05140 | 99 | 75 | 21 | 3 |
1501 | I don't see any college tuition in our future. | 1.2727 | 0.05140 | 99 | 75 | 21 | 3 |
1502 | No Obstruction, No Collusion. It only took two and a half years. | 1.2727 | 0.05140 | 99 | 75 | 21 | 3 |
1503 | Self-changing diapers are the future. Thank you for coming to my TEDDY talk. | 1.2727 | 0.05710 | 99 | 78 | 15 | 6 |
1504 | How exciting! He’s ready to announce his presidential campaign! | 1.2727 | 0.05140 | 99 | 75 | 21 | 3 |
1505 | So much for the mysterious voices at night. | 1.2727 | 0.05140 | 99 | 75 | 21 | 3 |
1506 | We ought to record this. Most of his voters haven’t even been born yet! | 1.2727 | 0.05337 | 99 | 76 | 19 | 4 |
1507 | He’s entering the race! | 1.2727 | 0.05888 | 99 | 79 | 13 | 7 |
1508 | He just said, “I’m here all week. Try the veal.” | 1.2727 | 0.05337 | 99 | 76 | 19 | 4 |
1509 | Honey, don't you love his stand up routine! | 1.2727 | 0.05337 | 99 | 76 | 19 | 4 |
1510 | And for my last joke of the evening...oh, wait, it just walked in. | 1.2727 | 0.05710 | 99 | 78 | 15 | 6 |
1511 | He must get it from me! | 1.2727 | 0.05337 | 99 | 76 | 19 | 4 |
1512 | Wait! He is going to speak his first words. | 1.2727 | 0.04722 | 99 | 73 | 25 | 1 |
1513 | What do you mean, over-dramatic? I think it's wonderful he's learning to express his feelings in creative ways! | 1.2727 | 0.06061 | 99 | 80 | 11 | 8 |
1514 | His foreign policy is more structured than the President's. And he has a better vocabulary. | 1.2717 | 0.05595 | 92 | 71 | 17 | 4 |
1515 | I told you playing "Hail to the Chief" in utero would work. | 1.2717 | 0.06007 | 92 | 73 | 13 | 6 |
1516 | Our little demagogue! | 1.2700 | 0.05291 | 100 | 77 | 19 | 4 |
1517 | That's right, son. Now, in Spanish. | 1.2700 | 0.05096 | 100 | 76 | 21 | 3 |
1518 | Shouldn't have told him he could be anybody he wants. | 1.2700 | 0.05660 | 100 | 79 | 15 | 6 |
1519 | He’s much better without the blue material. | 1.2700 | 0.05478 | 100 | 78 | 17 | 5 |
1520 | Did he just say, “I’m stuck in Folsom Prison”? | 1.2700 | 0.05478 | 100 | 78 | 17 | 5 |
1521 | That little boy was me. | 1.2700 | 0.05291 | 100 | 77 | 19 | 4 |
1522 | Are you sure he is ours? | 1.2700 | 0.05660 | 100 | 79 | 15 | 6 |
1523 | His podcast is killing the under 5 demographic. | 1.2700 | 0.05291 | 100 | 77 | 19 | 4 |
1524 | Oh darling! It's a Jew! | 1.2700 | 0.05660 | 100 | 79 | 15 | 6 |
1525 | Isn’t it wonderful to finally have a candidate who represents those without a voice? | 1.2700 | 0.05291 | 100 | 77 | 19 | 4 |
1526 | I tell you. These new baby monitors are bringing out the best in him. | 1.2700 | 0.05478 | 100 | 78 | 17 | 5 |
1527 | I didn't know he could stand up. | 1.2700 | 0.05291 | 100 | 77 | 19 | 4 |
1528 | O' look, honey. All we need to do now is teach him how to do a comb over. | 1.2700 | 0.05835 | 100 | 80 | 13 | 7 |
1529 | It's so exciting, darling, he really could become the president! He can already look straight into the camera and lie with a straight face! | 1.2700 | 0.05835 | 100 | 80 | 13 | 7 |
1530 | I expected it would take much longer for us to cause enough emotional damages for him to do stand-up | 1.2700 | 0.05291 | 100 | 77 | 19 | 4 |
1531 | So I says monitor? I hardly know her! | 1.2697 | 0.05709 | 89 | 69 | 16 | 4 |
1532 | He has wonderful ideas about Planned Parenthood! | 1.2692 | 0.04779 | 104 | 78 | 24 | 2 |
1533 | His criminal justice plan was based on his own time behind bars. | 1.2688 | 0.05749 | 93 | 73 | 15 | 5 |
1534 | I knew introducing solid foods early would work | 1.2688 | 0.05542 | 93 | 72 | 17 | 4 |
1535 | What’s with farts? | 1.2688 | 0.05327 | 93 | 71 | 19 | 3 |
1536 | It's his first speech without crib notes! | 1.2688 | 0.05327 | 93 | 71 | 19 | 3 |
1537 | A star is born, darling! | 1.2680 | 0.05773 | 97 | 77 | 14 | 6 |
1538 | I told you--see? He's given up his bear! | 1.2680 | 0.05185 | 97 | 74 | 20 | 3 |
1539 | Let's welcome our guests to a new life--one without middle of the night feedings. | 1.2680 | 0.05584 | 97 | 76 | 16 | 5 |
1540 | You have the floor. | 1.2680 | 0.05584 | 97 | 76 | 16 | 5 |
1541 | This is the part I love where he discusses Sino-Soviet incursions... | 1.2680 | 0.05773 | 97 | 77 | 14 | 6 |
1542 | Well he's got my vote! | 1.2680 | 0.05388 | 97 | 75 | 18 | 4 |
1543 | Where did we go wrong? I can understand fireman or astronaut, but talk radio host? | 1.2680 | 0.04973 | 97 | 73 | 22 | 2 |
1544 | She'll never make enough to support herself. | 1.2680 | 0.05388 | 97 | 75 | 18 | 4 |
1545 | Oh, Honey! He looks SO presidential, doesn't he! | 1.2680 | 0.05584 | 97 | 76 | 16 | 5 |
1546 | Before me, without a doubt, is the biggest crowd ever assembled in the history of the world. | 1.2680 | 0.05185 | 97 | 74 | 20 | 3 |
1547 | It won't be long before we can start heckling him! | 1.2680 | 0.05584 | 97 | 76 | 16 | 5 |
1548 | On today’s podcast: dealing with stage parents. | 1.2680 | 0.05584 | 97 | 76 | 16 | 5 |
1549 | Look! He no longer needs the teleprompter! | 1.2680 | 0.04752 | 97 | 72 | 24 | 1 |
1550 | He IS gifted and talented! | 1.2680 | 0.04752 | 97 | 72 | 24 | 1 |
1551 | Oh darling! He's talking about the planes from the airports during the Revolutionary War! | 1.2680 | 0.05388 | 97 | 75 | 18 | 4 |
1552 | Look Harold, he's filibustering bed time! | 1.2680 | 0.05773 | 97 | 77 | 14 | 6 |
1553 | Didn't you tell me you were related to Howard Cosell | 1.2680 | 0.05185 | 97 | 74 | 20 | 3 |
1554 | I'm so proud of him! In six months, he'll be the next White House Press Secretary. | 1.2680 | 0.05388 | 97 | 75 | 18 | 4 |
1555 | He’s going for it! We’ll need a PAC. | 1.2680 | 0.05388 | 97 | 75 | 18 | 4 |
1556 | Who knew, “Here comes the airplane!” would turn into a monologue on airline food! | 1.2680 | 0.05584 | 97 | 76 | 16 | 5 |
1557 | We have our own Speaker of the House | 1.2680 | 0.04973 | 97 | 73 | 22 | 2 |
1558 | Drew Carey started out the same way. | 1.2680 | 0.05185 | 97 | 74 | 20 | 3 |
1559 | I heard it builds confidence. | 1.2680 | 0.05185 | 97 | 74 | 20 | 3 |
1560 | He's got some great zero-liners | 1.2680 | 0.05956 | 97 | 78 | 12 | 7 |
1561 | His first word is a monologue ! | 1.2680 | 0.05956 | 97 | 78 | 12 | 7 |
1562 | ‘I don’t know honey, it’s mostly the same dada bits from last night’. | 1.2680 | 0.05185 | 97 | 74 | 20 | 3 |
1563 | Timmy's first words, take 3. OK - this time Timmy, step into the mic a little more, and really SELL the word 'Da-Da'! | 1.2680 | 0.04973 | 97 | 73 | 22 | 2 |
1564 | Our baby is growing up! Watch how he deports Teddy and slams the liberal media. | 1.2680 | 0.04973 | 97 | 73 | 22 | 2 |
1565 | This seemed way funnier in the Etrade commercial | 1.2667 | 0.05870 | 90 | 71 | 14 | 5 |
1566 | Look! Our 'baby man-splainer' tapes are working! | 1.2667 | 0.05653 | 90 | 70 | 16 | 4 |
1567 | This is the part where he always tries out new material. | 1.2660 | 0.05278 | 94 | 72 | 19 | 3 |
1568 | His first word , 'MA' is now recorded for posterity." | 1.2660 | 0.05892 | 94 | 75 | 13 | 6 |
1569 | I’d like to thank my parents for the immaculate conception. | 1.2660 | 0.05892 | 94 | 75 | 13 | 6 |
1570 | If he goes on about death or freedom again we might need to do something. | 1.2660 | 0.05695 | 94 | 74 | 15 | 5 |
1571 | Unaccustomed as I am... | 1.2660 | 0.05490 | 94 | 73 | 17 | 4 |
1572 | We are just in time for The Nursery News Hour. | 1.2660 | 0.05892 | 94 | 75 | 13 | 6 |
1573 | Look honey, he's speaking without a teleprompter! | 1.2660 | 0.05278 | 94 | 72 | 19 | 3 |
1574 | Aww, he's so cute when he's influencing. | 1.2660 | 0.05278 | 94 | 72 | 19 | 3 |
1575 | I thought the part about universal pre-k was well researched, but he needs more meat on how to deal with China. | 1.2660 | 0.05056 | 94 | 71 | 21 | 2 |
1576 | I think he's about to say his first few words! | 1.2660 | 0.05278 | 94 | 72 | 19 | 3 |
1577 | Rodney Dangerfield as a child...." I don't get no respect: I asked my mother to breast feed me; she told me she just wanted to know me as a friend!" | 1.2660 | 0.05278 | 94 | 72 | 19 | 3 |
1578 | And the most important thing is that his jokes are woke! | 1.2660 | 0.05695 | 94 | 74 | 15 | 5 |
1579 | I hope he does the one about my milk! | 1.2660 | 0.05490 | 94 | 73 | 17 | 4 |
1580 | The parents he's making fun of aren't us, they're constructed characters. | 1.2660 | 0.05892 | 94 | 75 | 13 | 6 |
1581 | Don’t you just love his shtick about diapers and climate change? | 1.2660 | 0.05490 | 94 | 73 | 17 | 4 |
1582 | Try and imagine the audience in just their diapers. | 1.2660 | 0.05695 | 94 | 74 | 15 | 5 |
1583 | I'm here all week, don't forget to tip my parents | 1.2660 | 0.05056 | 94 | 71 | 21 | 2 |
1584 | Yesterday, a crawl. Today, a standup.” | 1.2660 | 0.05695 | 94 | 74 | 15 | 5 |
1585 | Let’s stay up late and catch his monologue... | 1.2660 | 0.05490 | 94 | 73 | 17 | 4 |
1586 | Before I start I would like to welcome my mom and dad, whom I know are here tonight. | 1.2660 | 0.05278 | 94 | 72 | 19 | 3 |
1587 | Jimmy liked to try out new material in a nurturing venue. | 1.2660 | 0.06083 | 94 | 76 | 11 | 7 |
1588 | I am announcing my run for the presidency in 2020 since childish behavior is no longer a taboo! | 1.2660 | 0.05278 | 94 | 72 | 19 | 3 |
1589 | Naming him Vox doesn't sound so silly now does it! | 1.2660 | 0.05278 | 94 | 72 | 19 | 3 |
1590 | I think he's ready to run in 2020. | 1.2660 | 0.05056 | 94 | 71 | 21 | 2 |
1591 | He doesn't have to dress tonight. This is radio. | 1.2660 | 0.05278 | 94 | 72 | 19 | 3 |
1592 | His first open crib/mike night! | 1.2660 | 0.05695 | 94 | 74 | 15 | 5 |
1593 | Honey! He's doing stand up all by himself. | 1.2660 | 0.05056 | 94 | 71 | 21 | 2 |
1594 | That could be the best gibberish in recorded history! | 1.2660 | 0.05490 | 94 | 73 | 17 | 4 |
1595 | Hooray! Our retirement is set! | 1.2660 | 0.06083 | 94 | 76 | 11 | 7 |
1596 | Little Donald just loves his microphone! | 1.2660 | 0.05892 | 94 | 75 | 13 | 6 |
1597 | Aww honey, his first sound bite. | 1.2660 | 0.05056 | 94 | 71 | 21 | 2 |
1598 | Look at the way he commands a nursery. | 1.2660 | 0.05892 | 94 | 75 | 13 | 6 |
1599 | I hate his policies but he swayed me with his boyish good looks. | 1.2660 | 0.04825 | 94 | 70 | 23 | 1 |
1600 | Oh honey look, we’ve actualized a thought leader! | 1.2660 | 0.05695 | 94 | 74 | 15 | 5 |
1601 | Yes, but he does make more sense than that guy at the Lincoln Memorial | 1.2660 | 0.05056 | 94 | 71 | 21 | 2 |
1602 | Honey, he's developed new material! | 1.2660 | 0.05490 | 94 | 73 | 17 | 4 |
1603 | I'd like to wrap up with my favorite lullaby. | 1.2660 | 0.05695 | 94 | 74 | 15 | 5 |
1604 | And.... There back! | 1.2660 | 0.05490 | 94 | 73 | 17 | 4 |
1605 | Can we book him for the Catskills? | 1.2660 | 0.05278 | 94 | 72 | 19 | 3 |
1606 | Oh my God, George! We have to find some middle aged liberals to caption this situation -- quick!! | 1.2660 | 0.05695 | 94 | 74 | 15 | 5 |
1607 | I think he's about to announce an exploratory committee for 2056. | 1.2660 | 0.05278 | 94 | 72 | 19 | 3 |
1608 | Do you think our little rocket man will also need corrective lenses? | 1.2660 | 0.05278 | 94 | 72 | 19 | 3 |
1609 | Who am I? Why am I here | 1.2660 | 0.05695 | 94 | 74 | 15 | 5 |
1610 | And Tonight, We have a really big sheow, really big sheow. | 1.2660 | 0.05695 | 94 | 74 | 15 | 5 |
1611 | Honey, I’m so proud, listen to him, ‘I faced it all and stood tall’, he’s doing it his way” | 1.2660 | 0.04825 | 94 | 70 | 23 | 1 |
1612 | Can you believe he's already doing stand up? | 1.2660 | 0.05278 | 94 | 72 | 19 | 3 |
1613 | Pick up a rattle and give me a beat. | 1.2660 | 0.05056 | 94 | 71 | 21 | 2 |
1614 | Little Elton's a rocket man! | 1.2653 | 0.05533 | 98 | 77 | 16 | 5 |
1615 | POTUS Starter Kit, 2019 Edition. | 1.2653 | 0.05720 | 98 | 78 | 14 | 6 |
1616 | Our baby is the ‘last man standing’ in the Democrat Presidential debates! | 1.2647 | 0.07442 | 68 | 56 | 6 | 6 |
1617 | I can't wait for 2056. | 1.2644 | 0.06633 | 87 | 72 | 7 | 8 |
1618 | Just imagine what it will be like when he actually knows some words. | 1.2637 | 0.04901 | 91 | 68 | 22 | 1 |
1619 | Look Dave! First dirty diapers, now dirty jokes. | 1.2637 | 0.05376 | 91 | 70 | 18 | 3 |
1620 | See! I told you he'd grow out of the improv thing! | 1.2637 | 0.05599 | 91 | 71 | 16 | 4 |
1621 | I think you mean you don't get 'any' respect, sweetie. | 1.2637 | 0.05376 | 91 | 70 | 18 | 3 |
1622 | This means we won't have to pay for college! | 1.2637 | 0.05813 | 91 | 72 | 14 | 5 |
1623 | Baby's first lie! | 1.2637 | 0.05376 | 91 | 70 | 18 | 3 |
1624 | He’s building his brand! | 1.2637 | 0.05376 | 91 | 70 | 18 | 3 |
1625 | I can’t wait to post his first podcast! | 1.2637 | 0.05376 | 91 | 70 | 18 | 3 |
1626 | Junior's first words will now permanently reside in the cloud. | 1.2637 | 0.05599 | 91 | 71 | 16 | 4 |
1627 | Oh, he's going into politics! | 1.2637 | 0.05599 | 91 | 71 | 16 | 4 |
1628 | Look honey he is taking after Donald Trump’s 4th of July . | 1.2637 | 0.05813 | 91 | 72 | 14 | 5 |
1629 | See, those Jimmy Kimmel reruns I played when pregnant paid off! | 1.2637 | 0.05144 | 91 | 69 | 20 | 2 |
1630 | What's the deal with cloth diapers anyway? | 1.2637 | 0.05376 | 91 | 70 | 18 | 3 |
1631 | Looks like Tiny is running for the Congress. At last a politician who acts his age. | 1.2637 | 0.05376 | 91 | 70 | 18 | 3 |
1632 | See? Diaper change, climate change. Those issues give him credibility. | 1.2637 | 0.05144 | 91 | 69 | 20 | 2 |
1633 | Oh honey...it’s his first speech! | 1.2637 | 0.05376 | 91 | 70 | 18 | 3 |
1634 | I told you we didn't need tanks. The Blue Angels did the trick. | 1.2637 | 0.05813 | 91 | 72 | 14 | 5 |
1635 | He's declaring his candidacy for president! | 1.2637 | 0.05813 | 91 | 72 | 14 | 5 |
1636 | Thanks, folks! I'll be playing here nightly until beddie-bye time. | 1.2637 | 0.05144 | 91 | 69 | 20 | 2 |
1637 | That's our very stable genius! | 1.2637 | 0.05599 | 91 | 71 | 16 | 4 |
1638 | Nine months and he's already sarcastic. | 1.2637 | 0.05599 | 91 | 71 | 16 | 4 |
1639 | And the Bitish assaulted the airports... | 1.2637 | 0.05376 | 91 | 70 | 18 | 3 |
1640 | Your child doubts the authenticity of his teddy bear's birth certificate. | 1.2637 | 0.05376 | 91 | 70 | 18 | 3 |
1641 | You’ve been a great audience, but I really need my diaper changed now. | 1.2637 | 0.05376 | 91 | 70 | 18 | 3 |
1642 | He's on his way to a Nanny Cam stand up pre-K audition tape! | 1.2637 | 0.05599 | 91 | 71 | 16 | 4 |
1643 | And they said he couldn't lead the revolution from behind bars! | 1.2637 | 0.05599 | 91 | 71 | 16 | 4 |
1644 | Wow, standup before walking! | 1.2637 | 0.05813 | 91 | 72 | 14 | 5 |
1645 | You're right. He's watching too much of Amrica's Got Talent. | 1.2637 | 0.06218 | 91 | 74 | 10 | 7 |
1646 | I can't wait until he's old enough for his first teleprompter. | 1.2637 | 0.05376 | 91 | 70 | 18 | 3 |
1647 | Once he secures the nomination he'll be ready to debate trump | 1.2637 | 0.05376 | 91 | 70 | 18 | 3 |
1648 | I told you he has the makings of a politician. | 1.2637 | 0.04901 | 91 | 68 | 22 | 1 |
1649 | It's OK darling,I haven't plugged it in | 1.2637 | 0.05599 | 91 | 71 | 16 | 4 |
1650 | Oh honey, look! His first press conference! | 1.2637 | 0.04901 | 91 | 68 | 22 | 1 |
1651 | And we’re calling the podcast, Tiny TED Talks. | 1.2637 | 0.04645 | 91 | 67 | 24 | 0 |
1652 | He's doing potty humor, now! | 1.2626 | 0.05668 | 99 | 79 | 14 | 6 |
1653 | He's applying to the Nursery School of Performing Arts! | 1.2626 | 0.05668 | 99 | 79 | 14 | 6 |
1654 | Yeah honey, what IS the deal with Teddy Bears? | 1.2619 | 0.05115 | 84 | 63 | 20 | 1 |
1655 | Homey what did I say about leaving the TV on! | 1.2614 | 0.05236 | 88 | 67 | 19 | 2 |
1656 | Oh sweetheart! He’s funny! | 1.2614 | 0.05480 | 88 | 68 | 17 | 3 |
1657 | I've turned the nursery into a pod cast studio, don't you love it! | 1.2614 | 0.06153 | 88 | 71 | 11 | 6 |
1658 | Let's just say I'm the boss | 1.2609 | 0.05756 | 92 | 73 | 14 | 5 |
1659 | He's standing up! | 1.2609 | 0.05325 | 92 | 71 | 18 | 3 |
1660 | when I was 17 months, it was a very good year... | 1.2609 | 0.05960 | 92 | 74 | 12 | 6 |
1661 | I can't believe that the primary debate season has started. | 1.2609 | 0.05756 | 92 | 73 | 14 | 5 |
1662 | Oh Richard, just look how far he’s come since the old monitor. | 1.2609 | 0.05960 | 92 | 74 | 12 | 6 |
1663 | Aww. His first campaign. | 1.2609 | 0.05325 | 92 | 71 | 18 | 3 |
1664 | I liked the first few, but those, ” My parents are so stupid”, jokes are really embarrassing!!! | 1.2609 | 0.05545 | 92 | 72 | 16 | 4 |
1665 | His first steps, his first words, and now, his first Netflix special. | 1.2609 | 0.05096 | 92 | 70 | 20 | 2 |
1666 | What's the deal with diapers? Amirite? | 1.2609 | 0.05325 | 92 | 71 | 18 | 3 |
1667 | Lady and Gentleman, I said I would drain the swamp, and I have. Now it is time for a change. Change will not come if we wait for some other person or some other time. So ask not what your baby can do for you. Ask what you can do for your baby. | 1.2609 | 0.05756 | 92 | 73 | 14 | 5 |
1668 | So I said to her, I'm not sure, I'm Pediasure. | 1.2609 | 0.05545 | 92 | 72 | 16 | 4 |
1669 | Oh c'mon, Ed: who better to unseat another petulant child? | 1.2609 | 0.04603 | 92 | 68 | 24 | 0 |
1670 | He cribs all his jokes. | 1.2609 | 0.04856 | 92 | 69 | 22 | 1 |
1671 | Attention shoppers! | 1.2609 | 0.05325 | 92 | 71 | 18 | 3 |
1672 | How did he plug in the mic? | 1.2609 | 0.05325 | 92 | 71 | 18 | 3 |
1673 | Listen, dear, his first words: 'Take my mother ... Please!' " | 1.2609 | 0.05545 | 92 | 72 | 16 | 4 |
1674 | I don't think I've ever heard 'Melancholy Baby' sung with such strong, honest emotion. | 1.2609 | 0.05545 | 92 | 72 | 16 | 4 |
1675 | He is using crib notes. | 1.2609 | 0.05325 | 92 | 71 | 18 | 3 |
1676 | Harold! All he needs is a longer tie! | 1.2609 | 0.05096 | 92 | 70 | 20 | 2 |
1677 | Noooooooo! NOT KARAOKE!! | 1.2609 | 0.05545 | 92 | 72 | 16 | 4 |
1678 | His YouTube channel on "Crib Talk" is getting thousands of hits. | 1.2609 | 0.05756 | 92 | 73 | 14 | 5 |
1679 | I'm so glad they lowered the presidential requirements to include infants masquerading as men. | 1.2609 | 0.05545 | 92 | 72 | 16 | 4 |
1680 | That Kierkegaard quote will kill at pre-school graduation! | 1.2609 | 0.05096 | 92 | 70 | 20 | 2 |
1681 | Look, dear: It's Donald Trump! | 1.2609 | 0.05545 | 92 | 72 | 16 | 4 |
1682 | Can you believe Ralphie’s podcast just paid for our kitchen remodel?! | 1.2609 | 0.05096 | 92 | 70 | 20 | 2 |
1683 | He's got a great voice, but the bathroom breaks are a pain. | 1.2609 | 0.05545 | 92 | 72 | 16 | 4 |
1684 | Look honey, the bear already dropped out! | 1.2609 | 0.05756 | 92 | 73 | 14 | 5 |
1685 | I'm off to get food, diapers, and an agent. | 1.2609 | 0.05545 | 92 | 72 | 16 | 4 |
1686 | The doctor said we could expect him to stand up at about 6 months. | 1.2600 | 0.05049 | 100 | 77 | 20 | 3 |
1687 | Thank you for coming to my BED talk. | 1.2588 | 0.05589 | 85 | 66 | 16 | 3 |
1688 | I can’t believe Trump is listening to everything he says. | 1.2588 | 0.06070 | 85 | 68 | 12 | 5 |
1689 | He certainly looks like a senator. | 1.2584 | 0.04933 | 89 | 67 | 21 | 1 |
1690 | His first word was ‘Mama!’ and his first joke is about Dada. | 1.2584 | 0.05426 | 89 | 69 | 17 | 3 |
1691 | When they said it was full tonight I didn't know they were talking about my diaper! | 1.2584 | 0.05426 | 89 | 69 | 17 | 3 |
1692 | He has the best chance at winning over the Trump constituency | 1.2584 | 0.06091 | 89 | 72 | 11 | 6 |
1693 | I just wanted to make sure we heard his first joke. | 1.2584 | 0.05426 | 89 | 69 | 17 | 3 |
1694 | Four score and seven weeks ago he was just a gleam in your eye! | 1.2584 | 0.06091 | 89 | 72 | 11 | 6 |
1695 | First time without a teleprompter! | 1.2584 | 0.05185 | 89 | 68 | 19 | 2 |
1696 | Look at that comb over! | 1.2584 | 0.05878 | 89 | 71 | 13 | 5 |
1697 | Gee, honey! He's going to be the politician you always wanted to be! | 1.2584 | 0.05878 | 89 | 71 | 13 | 5 |
1698 | The 2060 primaries are just around the corner. | 1.2584 | 0.05426 | 89 | 69 | 17 | 3 |
1699 | Since you won’t sleep, we got you a podcast. | 1.2584 | 0.05185 | 89 | 68 | 19 | 2 |
1700 | Broadcasting live from the crib............ | 1.2584 | 0.05656 | 89 | 70 | 15 | 4 |
1701 | Did you hear that?! He just said 'Goo goo ga ga GREAT AGAIN!' | 1.2584 | 0.04933 | 89 | 67 | 21 | 1 |
1702 | His “object permanace” routine kills every time! | 1.2584 | 0.06091 | 89 | 72 | 11 | 6 |
1703 | His first State of the Family! | 1.2584 | 0.05185 | 89 | 68 | 19 | 2 |
1704 | I've only been on the crib circut about 3 months now, but I owe it all to my parents | 1.2584 | 0.05185 | 89 | 68 | 19 | 2 |
1705 | Isn't that cute! He thinks he's running for president. | 1.2584 | 0.05426 | 89 | 69 | 17 | 3 |
1706 | Oh, listen dear, he’s telling his first lie. | 1.2581 | 0.05902 | 93 | 75 | 12 | 6 |
1707 | Aww...his first stand up set. | 1.2581 | 0.05275 | 93 | 72 | 18 | 3 |
1708 | Look, he's literally doing stand-up! | 1.2581 | 0.05048 | 93 | 71 | 20 | 2 |
1709 | OMG, George, he's announcing his Space Force program. | 1.2581 | 0.05902 | 93 | 75 | 12 | 6 |
1710 | Yay!! He's tolerant. | 1.2581 | 0.05275 | 93 | 72 | 18 | 3 |
1711 | Sophomoric, maybe, but his act is hilarious." | 1.2581 | 0.05701 | 93 | 74 | 14 | 5 |
1712 | I just love his potty training humor. | 1.2581 | 0.05275 | 93 | 72 | 18 | 3 |
1713 | This is it! He's going to announce he's running for president! | 1.2581 | 0.05902 | 93 | 75 | 12 | 6 |
1714 | Don't blame me for him being in the debate. Your parents were the qualifying grassroots fundraising that got him in. | 1.2581 | 0.05275 | 93 | 72 | 18 | 3 |
1715 | It's a phase. Little Rush will outgrow it. | 1.2581 | 0.05275 | 93 | 72 | 18 | 3 |
1716 | His humor is a little immature. | 1.2581 | 0.05492 | 93 | 73 | 16 | 4 |
1717 | Maybe he wants to be a Rock Star. | 1.2581 | 0.05701 | 93 | 74 | 14 | 5 |
1718 | Look honey, it's our first parent-child debate! | 1.2581 | 0.05492 | 93 | 73 | 16 | 4 |
1719 | Wait till Putin sees this. | 1.2581 | 0.05492 | 93 | 73 | 16 | 4 |
1720 | He's electable! | 1.2581 | 0.05492 | 93 | 73 | 16 | 4 |
1721 | OMG! His first standup! | 1.2581 | 0.05492 | 93 | 73 | 16 | 4 |
1722 | Look honey, he’s starting to misspeak. | 1.2581 | 0.05701 | 93 | 74 | 14 | 5 |
1723 | He's about to say his first joke, I hope it's "Daddy." | 1.2581 | 0.05275 | 93 | 72 | 18 | 3 |
1724 | Ohh, Fred, just listen to how expertly he's already bashing us. | 1.2581 | 0.05275 | 93 | 72 | 18 | 3 |
1725 | Any babbling fool can get a comedy special on Netflix these days | 1.2581 | 0.05701 | 93 | 74 | 14 | 5 |
1726 | Doctor, shmoctor; he knows where the real money is. | 1.2581 | 0.05492 | 93 | 73 | 16 | 4 |
1727 | He’s totally killing with that pacifier bit.” | 1.2581 | 0.05048 | 93 | 71 | 20 | 2 |
1728 | Do you think possibly 2052 | 1.2581 | 0.05492 | 93 | 73 | 16 | 4 |
1729 | He’s giving his “state of the diaper” | 1.2581 | 0.05902 | 93 | 75 | 12 | 6 |
1730 | His first words were "Fake news!" | 1.2581 | 0.04811 | 93 | 70 | 22 | 1 |
1731 | He’s not that much younger than Mayor Pete. I think he has a chance! | 1.2581 | 0.05048 | 93 | 71 | 20 | 2 |
1732 | Er allein, wem gehört der Jugend, gewinnt die Zukunft! | 1.2581 | 0.05048 | 93 | 71 | 20 | 2 |
1733 | He's already garnered the thumb-sucker vote with his anti-pacification policy. | 1.2581 | 0.05492 | 93 | 73 | 16 | 4 |
1734 | I appreciate that his early set has less vulgarity | 1.2581 | 0.05275 | 93 | 72 | 18 | 3 |
1735 | His audition for pre-pre-pre-school is going well! | 1.2581 | 0.05701 | 93 | 74 | 14 | 5 |
1736 | I knew that mobile would give him enough experience to be appointed Secretary of Transportation. | 1.2581 | 0.07945 | 62 | 52 | 4 | 6 |
1737 | Love the flyover – too bad he can’t read a teleprompter. | 1.2581 | 0.05492 | 93 | 73 | 16 | 4 |
1738 | You were right, they ARE crib notes! | 1.2581 | 0.05048 | 93 | 71 | 20 | 2 |
1739 | I Think we found the perfect candidate for 2020 | 1.2581 | 0.05701 | 93 | 74 | 14 | 5 |
1740 | Sorry I don't do requests | 1.2581 | 0.05902 | 93 | 75 | 12 | 6 |
1741 | Oh, look, he's going to work without the teleprompter | 1.2581 | 0.05048 | 93 | 71 | 20 | 2 |
1742 | Thank you, thank you. I'll be here, crying, all night. | 1.2581 | 0.05275 | 93 | 72 | 18 | 3 |
1743 | Is this thing on? I can hear you kvelling! | 1.2581 | 0.05492 | 93 | 73 | 16 | 4 |
1744 | Who taught him to speak German? | 1.2581 | 0.06097 | 93 | 76 | 10 | 7 |
1745 | He only speaks gibberish, but he wants to run against the incumbent; I think he'd be great! | 1.2581 | 0.05492 | 93 | 73 | 16 | 4 |
1746 | Oh Fred, he's singing our song, Danke shoen'. | 1.2581 | 0.04811 | 93 | 70 | 22 | 1 |
1747 | Now we just need to teach him to lie, cheat, and self-aggrandize. | 1.2581 | 0.05701 | 93 | 74 | 14 | 5 |
1748 | srgsttew | 1.2581 | 0.05275 | 93 | 72 | 18 | 3 |
1749 | Ol' Boo Boo Eyes is back! | 1.2581 | 0.05048 | 93 | 71 | 20 | 2 |
1750 | Read my lips, no new taxes. | 1.2581 | 0.05275 | 93 | 72 | 18 | 3 |
1751 | Oh Herb! I think I heard him say "Good Evening everyone! | 1.2581 | 0.05492 | 93 | 73 | 16 | 4 |
1752 | And you said pampering him would impede his career. | 1.2581 | 0.05048 | 93 | 71 | 20 | 2 |
1753 | And d'y'ever notice how Mommy is always like, 'Stop screaming, Henry...Quit throwing food, Henry...don't bite me, Henry'. I got news for ya, lady. That's all I know how to do! | 1.2581 | 0.05275 | 93 | 72 | 18 | 3 |
1754 | First the crib then the world. | 1.2581 | 0.04811 | 93 | 70 | 22 | 1 |
1755 | preacher, motivational speaker, politician or some other con... he was born to make money! | 1.2581 | 0.05701 | 93 | 74 | 14 | 5 |
1756 | This is what they meant by the terrible tunes. | 1.2581 | 0.05701 | 93 | 74 | 14 | 5 |
1757 | Hear that gibberish? He's born to be a politician! | 1.2581 | 0.05701 | 93 | 74 | 14 | 5 |
1758 | His first words last week, and now he has his own show! | 1.2581 | 0.05048 | 93 | 71 | 20 | 2 |
1759 | One small burp... | 1.2581 | 0.05275 | 93 | 72 | 18 | 3 |
1760 | But seriously folks, I'm too young to walk, but this stand-up thing is duck soup. | 1.2581 | 0.05048 | 93 | 71 | 20 | 2 |
1761 | His orange hair will get him elected president some day. | 1.2581 | 0.05492 | 93 | 73 | 16 | 4 |
1762 | I hope he'll remember us when he becomes a rock star. | 1.2561 | 0.05435 | 82 | 63 | 17 | 2 |
1763 | Omigosh! More articulate, mature, and compassionate than the incumbent! | 1.2561 | 0.05964 | 82 | 65 | 13 | 4 |
1764 | This is the last time we let Kanye babysit! | 1.2561 | 0.06211 | 82 | 66 | 11 | 5 |
1765 | I thought the transition from sit down to stand up comedian would take longer. | 1.2561 | 0.05964 | 82 | 65 | 13 | 4 |
1766 | His first four-letter word! He's ready to do stand-up! | 1.2561 | 0.05435 | 82 | 63 | 17 | 2 |
1767 | So he’s worked out a subversive 15 minute stand up set, yet he still can’t say “daddy”. Right.” | 1.2561 | 0.05964 | 82 | 65 | 13 | 4 |
1768 | I just knew playing those Baby Limbaugh tapes in the womb would pay off. | 1.2561 | 0.06211 | 82 | 66 | 11 | 5 |
1769 | I see some familiar faces in the back, there are plenty of seats up front... | 1.2561 | 0.05964 | 82 | 65 | 13 | 4 |
1770 | She's giving her first acceptance speech! | 1.2561 | 0.05964 | 82 | 65 | 13 | 4 |
1771 | Quick - call "My Toddler's Got Talent...." | 1.2558 | 0.05279 | 86 | 66 | 18 | 2 |
1772 | And you said vocal lessons during pregnancy wouldn't pay off. | 1.2558 | 0.05279 | 86 | 66 | 18 | 2 |
1773 | But seriously, my folks.... | 1.2558 | 0.05279 | 86 | 66 | 18 | 2 |
1774 | Oh look! He's cutting records before his teeth. | 1.2558 | 0.05013 | 86 | 65 | 20 | 1 |
1775 | A mom and dad walk into their kid's room | 1.2558 | 0.05532 | 86 | 67 | 16 | 3 |
1776 | Maybe we shouldn't have named him Churchill. | 1.2558 | 0.05013 | 86 | 65 | 20 | 1 |
1777 | He told me that he would like to rehearse for the first day at daycare! | 1.2558 | 0.05279 | 86 | 66 | 18 | 2 |
1778 | Look honey, he wants to be seen and heard! | 1.2558 | 0.05774 | 86 | 68 | 14 | 4 |
1779 | This is so much better than the live stream. | 1.2558 | 0.05774 | 86 | 68 | 14 | 4 |
1780 | Don’t worry, Honey. He doesn’t own the master recordings, we do. | 1.2558 | 0.05774 | 86 | 68 | 14 | 4 |
1781 | We have to start early if we want him to be the voice of his generation. | 1.2558 | 0.05532 | 86 | 67 | 16 | 3 |
1782 | His first blog was a discussion about how to transition to formula. | 1.2558 | 0.05774 | 86 | 68 | 14 | 4 |
1783 | I knew watching all those Netflix specials would pay off! | 1.2558 | 0.04733 | 86 | 64 | 22 | 0 |
1784 | Oh, Honey, listen. He’s singing our greatest hits from “In the Womb!” | 1.2558 | 0.05774 | 86 | 68 | 14 | 4 |
1785 | This next number is a shoutout to Moms and Pops. Heyyyy! There they are! | 1.2558 | 0.05532 | 86 | 67 | 16 | 3 |
1786 | Ask if he does any Beatles | 1.2558 | 0.05279 | 86 | 66 | 18 | 2 |
1787 | He'll be toilet-training in no time! | 1.2558 | 0.05774 | 86 | 68 | 14 | 4 |
1788 | He still stumbles a bit over "... thank the Nobel Committee..." | 1.2558 | 0.05774 | 86 | 68 | 14 | 4 |
1789 | I’ll do another set right after you change my diaper. | 1.2558 | 0.05532 | 86 | 67 | 16 | 3 |
1790 | Did you hear that? His first words were "Pass the torch, Joe"! | 1.2558 | 0.05774 | 86 | 68 | 14 | 4 |
1791 | He's downright presidential! | 1.2558 | 0.06006 | 86 | 69 | 12 | 5 |
1792 | May your hearts be full and your diapers empty! | 1.2558 | 0.05532 | 86 | 67 | 16 | 3 |
1793 | May I have the language of origin? | 1.2558 | 0.06006 | 86 | 69 | 12 | 5 |
1794 | And you thought he'd never get off the preschool waitlist. | 1.2558 | 0.05774 | 86 | 68 | 14 | 4 |
1795 | Prepping for the pre-school interview. | 1.2558 | 0.05279 | 86 | 66 | 18 | 2 |
1796 | I told you that in utero Mozart would pay off! | 1.2558 | 0.05013 | 86 | 65 | 20 | 1 |
1797 | And now, let me tell you another poop joke. | 1.2558 | 0.05774 | 86 | 68 | 14 | 4 |
1798 | He said BIGLY!! | 1.2558 | 0.05532 | 86 | 67 | 16 | 3 |
1799 | Early Trumpeting! | 1.2558 | 0.06006 | 86 | 69 | 12 | 5 |
1800 | Trumps first babble. | 1.2558 | 0.05774 | 86 | 68 | 14 | 4 |
1801 | Oh Carl! Baby’s first honorarium! | 1.2558 | 0.06006 | 86 | 69 | 12 | 5 |
1802 | Isn’t he cute in his little bully playpen? | 1.2558 | 0.05532 | 86 | 67 | 16 | 3 |
1803 | He’s announcing his Democratic Presidential candidacy! | 1.2558 | 0.05013 | 86 | 65 | 20 | 1 |
1804 | Thanks, folks! I’ll be here all eighteen years. | 1.2558 | 0.05774 | 86 | 68 | 14 | 4 |
1805 | Oh, I do hope he stays a boy! | 1.2556 | 0.06030 | 90 | 73 | 11 | 6 |
1806 | He's going to be a..press secretary! | 1.2556 | 0.05819 | 90 | 72 | 13 | 5 |
1807 | Don't get too excited. There's a difference between ambition and potential... | 1.2556 | 0.04886 | 90 | 68 | 21 | 1 |
1808 | He’s full of it | 1.2556 | 0.05135 | 90 | 69 | 19 | 2 |
1809 | Joey's parents were thrilled at his first stand up. | 1.2556 | 0.05819 | 90 | 72 | 13 | 5 |
1810 | All that's left is to instill in him a sense of entitlement he can never shake. | 1.2556 | 0.05135 | 90 | 69 | 19 | 2 |
1811 | Trump's White House | 1.2556 | 0.05819 | 90 | 72 | 13 | 5 |
1812 | I'd like to hear, 'Hush Little Baby'. | 1.2556 | 0.05135 | 90 | 69 | 19 | 2 |
1813 | He’s just learned to stand-up! | 1.2556 | 0.05135 | 90 | 69 | 19 | 2 |
1814 | His podcast has gone viral! | 1.2556 | 0.04886 | 90 | 68 | 21 | 1 |
1815 | Oh honey, it’s baby’s first stand up routine. | 1.2556 | 0.04886 | 90 | 68 | 21 | 1 |
1816 | But for the Constitution, he could give Mayor Pete a challenge for the youth vote! | 1.2556 | 0.05373 | 90 | 70 | 17 | 3 |
1817 | I think he's ready to become the President's newest press secretary. | 1.2556 | 0.06030 | 90 | 73 | 11 | 6 |
1818 | He made the debates! | 1.2556 | 0.05373 | 90 | 70 | 17 | 3 |
1819 | I told you the mic would help with his stand-up! | 1.2556 | 0.05819 | 90 | 72 | 13 | 5 |
1820 | Before you know it, he'll be dropping that mike! | 1.2556 | 0.05600 | 90 | 71 | 15 | 4 |
1821 | He loves this, but it plays havoc with his sleep schedule. He only wants to do this late at night | 1.2556 | 0.05600 | 90 | 71 | 15 | 4 |
1822 | Look honey! He’s playing “White House Press Secretary” | 1.2556 | 0.05819 | 90 | 72 | 13 | 5 |
1823 | He's definitely electable! | 1.2556 | 0.05135 | 90 | 69 | 19 | 2 |
1824 | Finally, stand up. | 1.2556 | 0.05819 | 90 | 72 | 13 | 5 |
1825 | Look, honey! He can stand up comedy all by himself. | 1.2556 | 0.05819 | 90 | 72 | 13 | 5 |
1826 | Oooooo, our little angel is about to give their first cribcast! | 1.2556 | 0.05373 | 90 | 70 | 17 | 3 |
1827 | I think this is taking the baby monitor thing a bit far. | 1.2556 | 0.04886 | 90 | 68 | 21 | 1 |
1828 | Couple number 37, please step forward and state your developmental, educational, psychological, financial and entertainment plans for my future. | 1.2556 | 0.05819 | 90 | 72 | 13 | 5 |
1829 | Let’s try another door. | 1.2556 | 0.05373 | 90 | 70 | 17 | 3 |
1830 | And with no teleprompter! | 1.2556 | 0.05373 | 90 | 70 | 17 | 3 |
1831 | ...and the best part is that it's BYOB. | 1.2556 | 0.05373 | 90 | 70 | 17 | 3 |
1832 | Does he have the whiner vote locked up or what? | 1.2556 | 0.05373 | 90 | 70 | 17 | 3 |
1833 | yet another entry into the democratic presidential election | 1.2556 | 0.05135 | 90 | 69 | 19 | 2 |
1834 | He can't talk yet, but look at that stage presence! | 1.2556 | 0.05373 | 90 | 70 | 17 | 3 |
1835 | But we read all of the baby books. How did he turn into an insult comic? | 1.2556 | 0.05135 | 90 | 69 | 19 | 2 |
1836 | Iowa, here we come. | 1.2556 | 0.05600 | 90 | 71 | 15 | 4 |
1837 | Oh listen honey. His first monologue! | 1.2556 | 0.05135 | 90 | 69 | 19 | 2 |
1838 | Look Jim, now he's a stand-up comedian. | 1.2556 | 0.05600 | 90 | 71 | 15 | 4 |
1839 | Honey, it's his first stand-up routine. | 1.2556 | 0.05373 | 90 | 70 | 17 | 3 |
1840 | George, our baby is doing stand-up. Remember, to laugh at the potty jokes. | 1.2556 | 0.05135 | 90 | 69 | 19 | 2 |
1841 | Did you hear that, honey? He just said "fake news!" | 1.2556 | 0.05373 | 90 | 70 | 17 | 3 |
1842 | He’s orating! | 1.2556 | 0.04886 | 90 | 68 | 21 | 1 |
1843 | And now for my Bar Mitzvah speech | 1.2556 | 0.05600 | 90 | 71 | 15 | 4 |
1844 | I wish we had forked out the money for a real baby monitor. | 1.2556 | 0.05600 | 90 | 71 | 15 | 4 |
1845 | I'm happy to see I have an adult audience tonight. | 1.2556 | 0.05600 | 90 | 71 | 15 | 4 |
1846 | Oh honey, our child is gonna grow up to be such a stand-up guy! | 1.2556 | 0.05600 | 90 | 71 | 15 | 4 |
1847 | And a mere nine election cycles to go! | 1.2556 | 0.05600 | 90 | 71 | 15 | 4 |
1848 | He's already doing fake news! | 1.2556 | 0.05373 | 90 | 70 | 17 | 3 |
1849 | His college tuition is paid for! | 1.2556 | 0.05373 | 90 | 70 | 17 | 3 |
1850 | ...no honey. He didn’t say teddy bear. He said TED talk. | 1.2556 | 0.05600 | 90 | 71 | 15 | 4 |
1851 | Listen, honey! He just took down his first heckler. | 1.2556 | 0.05373 | 90 | 70 | 17 | 3 |
1852 | He's taking control of the household by executive order! | 1.2556 | 0.05600 | 90 | 71 | 15 | 4 |
1853 | I’m so proud! He already offered Veep to the babysitter. | 1.2556 | 0.05600 | 90 | 71 | 15 | 4 |
1854 | and now here's my all time favorite, 'I can't give you anything but love, baby. | 1.2556 | 0.05600 | 90 | 71 | 15 | 4 |
1855 | Honey, honey! He knows the words! | 1.2556 | 0.05135 | 90 | 69 | 19 | 2 |
1856 | I told you keeping him would pay off eventually! | 1.2556 | 0.05373 | 90 | 70 | 17 | 3 |
1857 | I think he's going to start talking! | 1.2556 | 0.05373 | 90 | 70 | 17 | 3 |
1858 | This next song is a lullaby...going out to all you folks up past your bedtime | 1.2556 | 0.05819 | 90 | 72 | 13 | 5 |
1859 | Who should we call first--Conan, Stephen or one of the Jimmys? | 1.2556 | 0.05819 | 90 | 72 | 13 | 5 |
1860 | Actually, this is the perfect age for a smear campaign. | 1.2556 | 0.05373 | 90 | 70 | 17 | 3 |
1861 | So I told her... take me to bed or lose me forever! | 1.2556 | 0.05600 | 90 | 71 | 15 | 4 |
1862 | The podcast has done wonders for his Q Score! | 1.2556 | 0.05135 | 90 | 69 | 19 | 2 |
1863 | His podcast already has over a thousand toddlers. | 1.2556 | 0.05600 | 90 | 71 | 15 | 4 |
1864 | His first words were "Take my crib--please!' | 1.2556 | 0.05600 | 90 | 71 | 15 | 4 |
1865 | It's your turn to do his sound check. | 1.2556 | 0.05373 | 90 | 70 | 17 | 3 |
1866 | makes you kinda proud to be the first followers | 1.2556 | 0.05600 | 90 | 71 | 15 | 4 |
1867 | Look Harry, our little pooper-mooner is a super-crooner! | 1.2556 | 0.05600 | 90 | 71 | 15 | 4 |
1868 | Look honey, so presidential! He has the same vocabulary and hair like Trump's." | 1.2556 | 0.05819 | 90 | 72 | 13 | 5 |
1869 | I just hope he thanks his parents. | 1.2556 | 0.05373 | 90 | 70 | 17 | 3 |
1870 | The moment Mr. and Mrs. Kastell knew that baby boy Carl needed a diaper change. | 1.2556 | 0.05373 | 90 | 70 | 17 | 3 |
1871 | Oh, Fred! I had a feeling Andy called us to his room for a reason." | 1.2556 | 0.04886 | 90 | 68 | 21 | 1 |
1872 | Yikes honey, he just declared War on us! | 1.2556 | 0.05600 | 90 | 71 | 15 | 4 |
1873 | Omg, it's his first spoken word! | 1.2556 | 0.05600 | 90 | 71 | 15 | 4 |
1874 | He offered his tax returns! | 1.2556 | 0.04886 | 90 | 68 | 21 | 1 |
1875 | Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for the two beautiful people that brought me into this world. | 1.2556 | 0.04886 | 90 | 68 | 21 | 1 |
1876 | And here's to our brave men and women in the Armed Forces! | 1.2556 | 0.05819 | 90 | 72 | 13 | 5 |
1877 | Could we have a round of applause for my Mom and Dad. I couldn’t be up here without ya | 1.2556 | 0.05135 | 90 | 69 | 19 | 2 |
1878 | His campaign promises "Pot in every chicken." | 1.2556 | 0.05819 | 90 | 72 | 13 | 5 |
1879 | Yikes! He really does sound like the Boss! | 1.2556 | 0.05373 | 90 | 70 | 17 | 3 |
1880 | He's playing to his base! | 1.2556 | 0.05600 | 90 | 71 | 15 | 4 |
1881 | Relax Dear. That’s PBS. | 1.2556 | 0.05600 | 90 | 71 | 15 | 4 |
1882 | And now for your first word request "MOM " | 1.2556 | 0.05373 | 90 | 70 | 17 | 3 |
1883 | He’s doing it, honey! He’s toddling for president! | 1.2556 | 0.05373 | 90 | 70 | 17 | 3 |
1884 | Wait until he does the cover of In Utero. | 1.2556 | 0.05819 | 90 | 72 | 13 | 5 |
1885 | I am honored to announce to that I will be seeking the Democratic nomination for daycare president | 1.2556 | 0.05373 | 90 | 70 | 17 | 3 |
1886 | Look, Fred! It’s his FIRST standup routine!! | 1.2556 | 0.05373 | 90 | 70 | 17 | 3 |
1887 | I love it when he talks tough on immigration. | 1.2556 | 0.05819 | 90 | 72 | 13 | 5 |
1888 | He's going viral on Youtube! | 1.2553 | 0.05440 | 94 | 74 | 16 | 4 |
1889 | Thanks, I'll be here all childhood. Try the mashed carrots! | 1.2553 | 0.05226 | 94 | 73 | 18 | 3 |
1890 | I wonder what she will say when she can talk? | 1.2553 | 0.05440 | 94 | 74 | 16 | 4 |
1891 | Just what we need, another politician with no work experience. | 1.2553 | 0.05002 | 94 | 72 | 20 | 2 |
1892 | I told you Honey, “Stable genius. Stable genius.” His first words! | 1.2553 | 0.05226 | 94 | 73 | 18 | 3 |
1893 | He's leaving us. | 1.2551 | 0.04426 | 98 | 78 | 17 | 3 |
1894 | Standing up is easy...it's his delivery that's so exciting. | 1.2545 | 0.07879 | 55 | 45 | 6 | 4 |
1895 | Ma...Ahem. Ma-Ma | 1.2530 | 0.06143 | 83 | 67 | 11 | 5 |
1896 | Baby's first empty promises! | 1.2530 | 0.05899 | 83 | 66 | 13 | 4 |
1897 | And don’t forget to tip your parents. | 1.2530 | 0.05645 | 83 | 65 | 15 | 3 |
1898 | He really speaks the language of the people. | 1.2530 | 0.05899 | 83 | 66 | 13 | 4 |
1899 | So presidential! | 1.2530 | 0.06378 | 83 | 68 | 9 | 6 |
1900 | The baby comic Dirty diaper, Dirty mouth I had hopes he'd work clean | 1.2530 | 0.05378 | 83 | 64 | 17 | 2 |
1901 | Well at least the stand-up part of his comedy is a success. | 1.2530 | 0.06143 | 83 | 67 | 11 | 5 |
1902 | The State of our Union is terriffic, maybe the best ever. | 1.2530 | 0.05645 | 83 | 65 | 15 | 3 |
1903 | His style is a little bit 'emo' and a little bit 'rage rock.' | 1.2530 | 0.05645 | 83 | 65 | 15 | 3 |
1904 | He’s at that age—The Terrible-Two-Drink Minimum. | 1.2529 | 0.05476 | 87 | 68 | 16 | 3 |
1905 | Oh look, he is finally announcing his college choice. | 1.2527 | 0.05086 | 91 | 70 | 19 | 2 |
1906 | He just made his first retraction! | 1.2527 | 0.04840 | 91 | 69 | 21 | 1 |
1907 | Yes, gravitas, I knew it! | 1.2527 | 0.04840 | 91 | 69 | 21 | 1 |
1908 | Honey, his hands are so presidential! | 1.2527 | 0.06171 | 91 | 75 | 9 | 7 |
1909 | "Let's make sure he grows up with plenty of material about his dysfunctional parents! | 1.2527 | 0.05321 | 91 | 71 | 17 | 3 |
1910 | A year old and he's already more eloquent than most adults. | 1.2527 | 0.05321 | 91 | 71 | 17 | 3 |
1911 | Just think, in 70 years he could be a Presidential Candidate! | 1.2527 | 0.05321 | 91 | 71 | 17 | 3 |
1912 | We'll call him Henny Really Youngman. | 1.2527 | 0.05321 | 91 | 71 | 17 | 3 |
1913 | But seriously now folks - if my standup seems infantile, what are you doing watching me? | 1.2527 | 0.05546 | 91 | 72 | 15 | 4 |
1914 | and if I'm elected.... | 1.2527 | 0.05762 | 91 | 73 | 13 | 5 |
1915 | Mamma don’t let your babies grow up to be cowboys.... | 1.2527 | 0.05762 | 91 | 73 | 13 | 5 |
1916 | His stand-up is all about standing up." | 1.2527 | 0.05086 | 91 | 70 | 19 | 2 |
1917 | His first pandering oversimplification. | 1.2527 | 0.05546 | 91 | 72 | 15 | 4 |
1918 | Give Rodney a little respect, dear. | 1.2527 | 0.05546 | 91 | 72 | 15 | 4 |
1919 | Breaking news: I need my diaper changed. | 1.2527 | 0.05321 | 91 | 71 | 17 | 3 |
1920 | And heree's JOHNNY!! | 1.2527 | 0.05762 | 91 | 73 | 13 | 5 |
1921 | He's already signing at a third-grade level! | 1.2527 | 0.05321 | 91 | 71 | 17 | 3 |
1922 | ...and most of all I'd like to thank my parents, who I couldn't have gotten here without." | 1.2527 | 0.05321 | 91 | 71 | 17 | 3 |
1923 | Today, I am announcing my candidacy for pwesident of the United States of Amerwica. | 1.2527 | 0.05321 | 91 | 71 | 17 | 3 |
1924 | Aww, he says there are 2 million here for his little inauguration. | 1.2527 | 0.05321 | 91 | 71 | 17 | 3 |
1925 | I told you he'd stand up to do stand-up! | 1.2527 | 0.05762 | 91 | 73 | 13 | 5 |
1926 | He already has more Twitter followers than Bernie Sanders. | 1.2527 | 0.05970 | 91 | 74 | 11 | 6 |
1927 | I knew I was right to put him on that gifted preschool waitlist 10 years ago | 1.2527 | 0.05762 | 91 | 73 | 13 | 5 |
1928 | His first joke! 'Take my mom—please!'" | 1.2527 | 0.05762 | 91 | 73 | 13 | 5 |
1929 | I think he said, "Make babies great again." | 1.2527 | 0.05546 | 91 | 72 | 15 | 4 |
1930 | Now I'd like to do one from my new CD called Maple Street Prison Blues... | 1.2527 | 0.05321 | 91 | 71 | 17 | 3 |
1931 | When the new White House Press Secretary, Stephanie Grisham, goes down, he will be so-o-o-o ready. | 1.2527 | 0.05546 | 91 | 72 | 15 | 4 |
1932 | They saw him on YouTube, and Fox News just offered him the hour before Sean Hannity! | 1.2527 | 0.05321 | 91 | 71 | 17 | 3 |
1933 | Now all is set for when he says his first word | 1.2527 | 0.05762 | 91 | 73 | 13 | 5 |
1934 | His first word was 'Dada' but his second is gonna be 'SHOWBIZ'!!! | 1.2527 | 0.05321 | 91 | 71 | 17 | 3 |
1935 | I take it back, honey. The “My First Podcast Set” wasn’t a stupid gift. | 1.2527 | 0.05546 | 91 | 72 | 15 | 4 |
1936 | And Now, for THE 12 BEST Baby songs EVER! Baby I Love U Jennifer Lopez Baby I Need Your Lovin Baby, It's Cold Outside Be My Baby Be My Baby Tonight Coney Island Baby Lou Reed Cry Baby Cry The Beatles I'll Be Your Baby Tonigh Bob Dylan | 1.2527 | 0.05546 | 91 | 72 | 15 | 4 |
1937 | Do you think he knows we didn't contribute to his super PAC? | 1.2527 | 0.05086 | 91 | 70 | 19 | 2 |
1938 | That’s something alright ...But can he capture the independent and swing voters? | 1.2527 | 0.05546 | 91 | 72 | 15 | 4 |
1939 | Look honey! It’s his first election speech! | 1.2527 | 0.05762 | 91 | 73 | 13 | 5 |
1940 | His first word was "economic," and then he said "inequality!" | 1.2527 | 0.05546 | 91 | 72 | 15 | 4 |
1941 | He says free day care. | 1.2527 | 0.05546 | 91 | 72 | 15 | 4 |
1942 | You just wait and see, one day he'll be the president of his kindergarten group. | 1.2527 | 0.05086 | 91 | 70 | 19 | 2 |
1943 | He's going to be a politician,...or, a comedian,... or both! | 1.2527 | 0.05762 | 91 | 73 | 13 | 5 |
1944 | Wow, honey, our baby skipped crawl up, sit-up and moved right into stand-up | 1.2527 | 0.06171 | 91 | 75 | 9 | 7 |
1945 | I'm worried about Sesame Street, not Wall Street. | 1.2527 | 0.04840 | 91 | 69 | 21 | 1 |
1946 | He's grown out of his teleprompter phase ! | 1.2527 | 0.05546 | 91 | 72 | 15 | 4 |
1947 | Oh look honey, he's already announcing his intention to run for president. | 1.2527 | 0.05546 | 91 | 72 | 15 | 4 |
1948 | On the beaches and in the air, we will take care of teddy bear! | 1.2527 | 0.05546 | 91 | 72 | 15 | 4 |
1949 | He's practicing for the debates | 1.2527 | 0.05546 | 91 | 72 | 15 | 4 |
1950 | And he's decided to run as a Democrat! | 1.2527 | 0.05970 | 91 | 74 | 11 | 6 |
1951 | Shhh...Junior’s recording his first podcast. | 1.2527 | 0.05546 | 91 | 72 | 15 | 4 |
1952 | Awww, when he does McArthur Park he IS Richard Harris. | 1.2527 | 0.05321 | 91 | 71 | 17 | 3 |
1953 | Honey, I think there's a better way to pay the mortgage. | 1.2527 | 0.05086 | 91 | 70 | 19 | 2 |
1954 | Honey, I'm afraid he's been typecast. | 1.2527 | 0.05321 | 91 | 71 | 17 | 3 |
1955 | I’ll be here all week. Try the veal. And don’t forget to tip my parents. | 1.2527 | 0.05762 | 91 | 73 | 13 | 5 |
1956 | George, our son's podcast has more viewers than any other podcast at preschool! | 1.2527 | 0.05321 | 91 | 71 | 17 | 3 |
1957 | Take my teddy bear.... please | 1.2527 | 0.05086 | 91 | 70 | 19 | 2 |
1958 | Oh Fred, he just demeaned his first minority! | 1.2527 | 0.05321 | 91 | 71 | 17 | 3 |
1959 | now all we have to do is paint him orange! | 1.2527 | 0.05970 | 91 | 74 | 11 | 6 |
1960 | Honey his first podcast! | 1.2527 | 0.05546 | 91 | 72 | 15 | 4 |
1961 | Jean Piaget, we need you! | 1.2527 | 0.05762 | 91 | 73 | 13 | 5 |
1962 | He’s captured the crib base. | 1.2527 | 0.05762 | 91 | 73 | 13 | 5 |
1963 | He does stand-up, and he's not even Jewish. | 1.2527 | 0.05321 | 91 | 71 | 17 | 3 |
1964 | Mr. & Mrs. Stern beamed with pride at their little Howard. | 1.2527 | 0.05086 | 91 | 70 | 19 | 2 |
1965 | It feels like just yesterday he was still our baby, they just grow up so fast. | 1.2527 | 0.05546 | 91 | 72 | 15 | 4 |
1966 | I’m so glad we invested in the podcasting lessons. Now he’s guaranteed a spot in preschool. | 1.2527 | 0.05546 | 91 | 72 | 15 | 4 |
1967 | Oh, honey! His first words were, "My fellow Americans". | 1.2527 | 0.05086 | 91 | 70 | 19 | 2 |
1968 | Oh, Fred...isn't that cute? Asking for a Teleprompter!! | 1.2527 | 0.05321 | 91 | 71 | 17 | 3 |
1969 | Honey. Isn't it wonderful how Donald plays with his toys?! | 1.2527 | 0.05546 | 91 | 72 | 15 | 4 |
1970 | In all of my year, I have found that a full diaper is not comfortable. | 1.2500 | 0.05764 | 80 | 63 | 14 | 3 |
1971 | He can't walk yet, but he can definitely do stand-up | 1.2500 | 0.05657 | 88 | 70 | 14 | 4 |
1972 | Oh, honey! We always wanted a comedian. | 1.2500 | 0.05421 | 88 | 69 | 16 | 3 |
1973 | Well he certainly has the temperament and maturity... | 1.2500 | 0.06289 | 80 | 65 | 10 | 5 |
1974 | See, I told you we would do a different kind of birth announcement. | 1.2500 | 0.06536 | 80 | 66 | 8 | 6 |
1975 | Mom and Dad hear Walter's first sentence: "And that's the way it is." | 1.2500 | 0.05764 | 80 | 63 | 14 | 3 |
1976 | Throw my hat in the ring. I am much younger than Bernie. | 1.2500 | 0.06289 | 80 | 65 | 10 | 5 |
1977 | He sounds just like Donald Trump! We're going to be rich! | 1.2500 | 0.05657 | 88 | 70 | 14 | 4 |
1978 | He's declaring his intention of running for class president at his daycare facility. | 1.2500 | 0.05186 | 80 | 61 | 18 | 1 |
1979 | See? It doesn’t take any skill or knowledge!! | 1.2500 | 0.05186 | 80 | 61 | 18 | 1 |
1980 | It's time to pass the torch to a younger generation. | 1.2500 | 0.04916 | 88 | 67 | 20 | 1 |
1981 | Look, next month he'll be going viral! | 1.2500 | 0.05764 | 80 | 63 | 14 | 3 |
1982 | Oh look Jerry, there will be another PeePee-Town podcast episode after all. | 1.2500 | 0.05175 | 88 | 68 | 18 | 2 |
1983 | Finally, a reliable Press Secretary! | 1.2500 | 0.05186 | 80 | 61 | 18 | 1 |
1984 | Isn't it wonderful that our little one wants to be the White House Press Secretary when he grows up. | 1.2500 | 0.05483 | 80 | 62 | 16 | 2 |
1985 | The latest Democratic candidate! | 1.2500 | 0.05883 | 88 | 71 | 12 | 5 |
1986 | I think we'll survive the death of Grumpy Cat, George. | 1.2500 | 0.05764 | 80 | 63 | 14 | 3 |
1987 | I think we can skip kindergarten. | 1.2500 | 0.05764 | 80 | 63 | 14 | 3 |
1988 | Next is prep school, then Harvard, then the presidency, corruption, impeachment and banishment! | 1.2500 | 0.05705 | 92 | 74 | 13 | 5 |
1989 | Baby Springsteen. | 1.2500 | 0.06289 | 80 | 65 | 10 | 5 |
1990 | Look, he´s wearing his birthday suit! | 1.2500 | 0.05483 | 80 | 62 | 16 | 2 |
1991 | He just stands there and stands there. We don't need to hear about all his qualifications. | 1.2500 | 0.05483 | 80 | 62 | 16 | 2 |
1992 | I think Frank just said do-be-do-be-do! | 1.2500 | 0.05492 | 92 | 73 | 15 | 4 |
1993 | In time, I hope his standup expands beyond Teddy Bears. | 1.2500 | 0.06033 | 80 | 64 | 12 | 4 |
1994 | This concludes my college entrance essay. Thank you. | 1.2500 | 0.06033 | 80 | 64 | 12 | 4 |
1995 | I think he's workshopping jokes for daycare. | 1.2500 | 0.05764 | 80 | 63 | 14 | 3 |
1996 | There's a two drink minimum tonight Ma, hustle it ova here would ya?! Baby's thirsty. Is this thing on? | 1.2500 | 0.05175 | 88 | 68 | 18 | 2 |
1997 | What do you think his policy will be for increasing diversity at daycare? | 1.2500 | 0.05421 | 88 | 69 | 16 | 3 |
1998 | He's going to announce he's forming an exploratory committee for 2068! | 1.2500 | 0.06033 | 80 | 64 | 12 | 4 |
1999 | Where did you get those vitamin supplements? | 1.2500 | 0.06101 | 88 | 72 | 10 | 6 |
2000 | Pence is out. Ivanka is my new Veep. I'll be here all week. | 1.2500 | 0.06033 | 80 | 64 | 12 | 4 |
2001 | Make America small again. | 1.2500 | 0.06101 | 88 | 72 | 10 | 6 |
2002 | We are his nexts guests! | 1.2500 | 0.05764 | 80 | 63 | 14 | 3 |
2003 | Is this thing on?" | 1.2500 | 0.05657 | 88 | 70 | 14 | 4 |
2004 | Your mother will love our new soundscape album. | 1.2500 | 0.06289 | 80 | 65 | 10 | 5 |
2005 | And to think it's just baby talk! | 1.2500 | 0.05483 | 80 | 62 | 16 | 2 |
2006 | And this is baby Snooks signing off for tonight. Remember I will be back tomorrow evening to answer all your questions about"Raising Parents." | 1.2500 | 0.05764 | 80 | 63 | 14 | 3 |
2007 | Look dear. He doesn’t have to grow up to be Presidential. | 1.2500 | 0.05764 | 80 | 63 | 14 | 3 |
2008 | Look! He’s already more talented than you are. | 1.2500 | 0.05657 | 88 | 70 | 14 | 4 |
2009 | I wouldn't have to go to these lengths if you would answer your emails | 1.2500 | 0.06033 | 80 | 64 | 12 | 4 |
2010 | He’s every bit as presidential as....... | 1.2500 | 0.06289 | 80 | 65 | 10 | 5 |
2011 | Mamas, don't let your babies grow up to be presidents. | 1.2500 | 0.05657 | 88 | 70 | 14 | 4 |
2012 | I didn't know we had airports during the revolutionary war. | 1.2500 | 0.06536 | 80 | 66 | 8 | 6 |
2013 | Who's all a-twitter now? | 1.2500 | 0.06033 | 80 | 64 | 12 | 4 |
2014 | Sure, he works blue. But it's baby blue. | 1.2500 | 0.05764 | 80 | 63 | 14 | 3 |
2015 | Honey, he just made his first offbeat observation. | 1.2500 | 0.06077 | 84 | 68 | 11 | 5 |
2016 | Look, Donnie's having his parade! | 1.2500 | 0.05483 | 80 | 62 | 16 | 2 |
2017 | Shhh! He is recording! | 1.2500 | 0.05046 | 84 | 64 | 19 | 1 |
2018 | Look! Only three and he's already doing stand-up! | 1.2500 | 0.05764 | 80 | 63 | 14 | 3 |
2019 | It's true. The medium is the message. | 1.2500 | 0.05175 | 88 | 68 | 18 | 2 |
2020 | I knew it, I knew it! The State house and then the Oval!!! | 1.2500 | 0.05764 | 80 | 63 | 14 | 3 |
2021 | ...and don’t get me started on baby food. I mean, is it meat or is it peaches? Oh, never mind, I’ll be the one to find out. | 1.2500 | 0.05175 | 88 | 68 | 18 | 2 |
2022 | Look Honey, another Democrat running for President! | 1.2500 | 0.06033 | 80 | 64 | 12 | 4 |
2023 | He even included a flyover. | 1.2500 | 0.05764 | 80 | 63 | 14 | 3 |
2024 | His first stand-up set! | 1.2500 | 0.05421 | 88 | 69 | 16 | 3 |
2025 | Isn't he the cutest little standup comic ever?! | 1.2500 | 0.05764 | 80 | 63 | 14 | 3 |
2026 | Thanks folks, I'll be here all infancy | 1.2500 | 0.05541 | 96 | 77 | 14 | 5 |
2027 | He's running on a platform of poop and vomit! | 1.2500 | 0.05483 | 80 | 62 | 16 | 2 |
2028 | Ahhhhh , his first words : My fellow Americans ! | 1.2500 | 0.06289 | 80 | 65 | 10 | 5 |
2029 | Look, he just said his first words- Lady GooGoo GaGa! | 1.2500 | 0.06033 | 80 | 64 | 12 | 4 |
2030 | For starters, we are not babies. We are infants! | 1.2500 | 0.05764 | 80 | 63 | 14 | 3 |
2031 | Thank you, I’m here all week. | 1.2500 | 0.05883 | 88 | 71 | 12 | 5 |
2032 | Now if only he's transgender! | 1.2500 | 0.06033 | 80 | 64 | 12 | 4 |
2033 | The best part is that his jokes can’t offend anyone! | 1.2500 | 0.05657 | 88 | 70 | 14 | 4 |
2034 | Sure. I’m proud he decided to broadcast, but very worried he’ll throw a tantrum over low crowd estimates. | 1.2500 | 0.05421 | 88 | 69 | 16 | 3 |
2035 | Breast feeding on demand. What a concept! | 1.2500 | 0.05175 | 88 | 68 | 18 | 2 |
2036 | There once was a man from Nantucket. | 1.2500 | 0.05657 | 88 | 70 | 14 | 4 |
2037 | Sorry sir, no seating until intermission. | 1.2500 | 0.06033 | 80 | 64 | 12 | 4 |
2038 | Aw, hon...his very first poop joke. | 1.2500 | 0.05657 | 88 | 70 | 14 | 4 |
2039 | It must be time to change his diapers. | 1.2500 | 0.06536 | 80 | 66 | 8 | 6 |
2040 | When he can read,we'll get the teleprompter! | 1.2500 | 0.06033 | 80 | 64 | 12 | 4 |
2041 | The bear got his. Next! | 1.2500 | 0.06077 | 84 | 68 | 11 | 5 |
2042 | He’ll either be stand-up comic or a politician…what’s the difference? | 1.2500 | 0.06101 | 88 | 72 | 10 | 6 |
2043 | Oh look our son has put away his childish things and become a little man. | 1.2500 | 0.05421 | 88 | 69 | 16 | 3 |
2044 | Good morning to you from my crib to yours | 1.2500 | 0.05175 | 88 | 68 | 18 | 2 |
2045 | I suppose you're all wondering why I asked you here today ... | 1.2500 | 0.05764 | 80 | 63 | 14 | 3 |
2046 | When your mom said you had 'funny genes' I thought she was talking about your pants. | 1.2500 | 0.05883 | 88 | 71 | 12 | 5 |
2047 | He's too young to rock-n-roll, and he's too old to cry. | 1.2500 | 0.05764 | 80 | 63 | 14 | 3 |
2048 | The doctor says it's important to expose him to hecklers early | 1.2500 | 0.05483 | 80 | 62 | 16 | 2 |
2049 | Sshhh!. He's live on the Fox news special about toilet training | 1.2500 | 0.05492 | 92 | 73 | 15 | 4 |
2050 | I think he really wants to tell us something very important! | 1.2500 | 0.05764 | 80 | 63 | 14 | 3 |
2051 | I see he has put away childish things already | 1.2500 | 0.05764 | 80 | 63 | 14 | 3 |
2052 | His intellect is about right for the job. We need to focus on his articulation. | 1.2500 | 0.06536 | 80 | 66 | 8 | 6 |
2053 | Oh God, I gave birth to Benjamin Trump. “ | 1.2500 | 0.05883 | 88 | 71 | 12 | 5 |
2054 | Oh, Sarah dear, he sure does remind me of your mother! | 1.2500 | 0.06033 | 80 | 64 | 12 | 4 |
2055 | I am announcing my candidacy for the Democratic Party nomination for President — and I need a new diaper. | 1.2500 | 0.05657 | 88 | 70 | 14 | 4 |
2056 | Yikes! He is becoming a lying, racist idiot! | 1.2500 | 0.06289 | 80 | 65 | 10 | 5 |
2057 | I tried to tell him there’s already too many democrats in the race. And you know what he tells me? He’s running as a republican. I don’t really want to move to D.C. , but when you consider the competition— he could actually win | 1.2500 | 0.05421 | 88 | 69 | 16 | 3 |
2058 | It's time to get rid of the crib. | 1.2500 | 0.05186 | 80 | 61 | 18 | 1 |
2059 | I'm sure it's just a phase - " build the wall " doesn't mean anything. | 1.2500 | 0.06033 | 80 | 64 | 12 | 4 |
2060 | They’re ready to declare their gender! | 1.2500 | 0.06033 | 80 | 64 | 12 | 4 |
2061 | Awww... Georgie's first Ted Talks | 1.2500 | 0.05421 | 88 | 69 | 16 | 3 |
2062 | I’ve converted the Nursery into a Karaoke Lounge David Covintree, NYC, NY | 1.2473 | 0.04751 | 93 | 71 | 21 | 1 |
2063 | I coached him to start out with a joke. | 1.2472 | 0.05600 | 89 | 71 | 14 | 4 |
2064 | An old man in a baby's body! He could win, Harold, he could win! | 1.2472 | 0.05600 | 89 | 71 | 14 | 4 |
2065 | ...and furthermore we need to lower the voting age to include ALL Americans. | 1.2472 | 0.05367 | 89 | 70 | 16 | 3 |
2066 | Is it ok if I heckle? | 1.2472 | 0.05600 | 89 | 71 | 14 | 4 |
2067 | What's the deal with airplane food? One second it's a spoon, the next it's a plan flying into my mouth? | 1.2472 | 0.05600 | 89 | 71 | 14 | 4 |
2068 | Presidential, don’t you think? | 1.2472 | 0.05367 | 89 | 70 | 16 | 3 |
2069 | Have I told you the one about the dirty diaper? | 1.2472 | 0.05600 | 89 | 71 | 14 | 4 |
2070 | Goodbye Neil Armstrong. Hello Jerry Seinfeld. | 1.2472 | 0.05367 | 89 | 70 | 16 | 3 |
2071 | What if other people don’t think he’s funny? | 1.2471 | 0.05527 | 85 | 67 | 15 | 3 |
2072 | "Quick, let's get him an agent. | 1.2469 | 0.05966 | 81 | 65 | 12 | 4 |
2073 | I liked his old stuff better. | 1.2469 | 0.05701 | 81 | 64 | 14 | 3 |
2074 | Notice how he modulates when he cries. | 1.2469 | 0.05424 | 81 | 63 | 16 | 2 |
2075 | He's already workshopping! | 1.2469 | 0.05701 | 81 | 64 | 14 | 3 |
2076 | No cover charge? How good can he be? | 1.2469 | 0.05424 | 81 | 63 | 16 | 2 |
2077 | Babbling nonsense in a mic... he's so destined to be President! | 1.2469 | 0.06219 | 81 | 66 | 10 | 5 |
2078 | A pregnancy during the campaign season has its repercussions! | 1.2469 | 0.05966 | 81 | 65 | 12 | 4 |
2079 | I think he found his voice! | 1.2469 | 0.06219 | 81 | 66 | 10 | 5 |
2080 | Honey! Little Johnny can stand up... while doing stand up! | 1.2469 | 0.05701 | 81 | 64 | 14 | 3 |
2081 | Oh honey! He's not going to be an astronaut after all. He's going to be President! | 1.2469 | 0.05701 | 81 | 64 | 14 | 3 |
2082 | Oh Dear, he's outgrown the baby monitor already. | 1.2469 | 0.06219 | 81 | 66 | 10 | 5 |
2083 | Live from New York, goo goo ga ga goo goo night | 1.2469 | 0.06219 | 81 | 66 | 10 | 5 |
2084 | Darling, look! It's his first stump speech! | 1.2469 | 0.05424 | 81 | 63 | 16 | 2 |
2085 | He's campaigning for open boarders! | 1.2469 | 0.05701 | 81 | 64 | 14 | 3 |
2086 | His first words were Mama Mia. | 1.2469 | 0.05424 | 81 | 63 | 16 | 2 |
2087 | After each speech our darling little president poops his pants. | 1.2469 | 0.05966 | 81 | 65 | 12 | 4 |
2088 | Look what the cat dragged in - I don't know whether to cry, shit, or suck on a titty - go ahead laugh dad, I do when you walk in the door. | 1.2469 | 0.06219 | 81 | 66 | 10 | 5 |
2089 | This Baby Shark thing is getting out of hand! | 1.2469 | 0.06462 | 81 | 67 | 8 | 6 |
2090 | So, a toddler walks into nine bars. | 1.2469 | 0.05966 | 81 | 65 | 12 | 4 |
2091 | I always knew all that prenatal exposure to talk radio would pay off. | 1.2469 | 0.05424 | 81 | 63 | 16 | 2 |
2092 | Honey, I think he just made his first podcast! | 1.2469 | 0.05966 | 81 | 65 | 12 | 4 |
2093 | He said 'Military-Industrial Complex'! | 1.2469 | 0.05701 | 81 | 64 | 14 | 3 |
2094 | 'Oh, Honey! His first Nursery Rap!" | 1.2469 | 0.05424 | 81 | 63 | 16 | 2 |
2095 | Look how presidential he is! | 1.2469 | 0.05966 | 81 | 65 | 12 | 4 |
2096 | Honey, he’s going to make the nursery great again! | 1.2469 | 0.06462 | 81 | 67 | 8 | 6 |
2097 | OMG! We're going to have a politician in the family! | 1.2469 | 0.05701 | 81 | 64 | 14 | 3 |
2098 | Just think, someday he'll hate us!" | 1.2469 | 0.05701 | 81 | 64 | 14 | 3 |
2099 | Rigoletto! Nailed it! | 1.2469 | 0.05424 | 81 | 63 | 16 | 2 |
2100 | Look! He's picked up his first mic! | 1.2469 | 0.05424 | 81 | 63 | 16 | 2 |
2101 | Any moment now! | 1.2469 | 0.05966 | 81 | 65 | 12 | 4 |
2102 | Look honey! He’s begging for his very first quarter | 1.2469 | 0.05701 | 81 | 64 | 14 | 3 |
2103 | He didn't say it he SANG it!!! I told you a Star was born! | 1.2469 | 0.06219 | 81 | 66 | 10 | 5 |
2104 | He already has trolls! | 1.2469 | 0.05701 | 81 | 64 | 14 | 3 |
2105 | I'm not a bad boy anymore; I'm a changed man. | 1.2469 | 0.06219 | 81 | 66 | 10 | 5 |
2106 | ...and he loves a wet diaper just like our current Commander-in-Chief! | 1.2469 | 0.06697 | 81 | 68 | 6 | 7 |
2107 | And the first contestant on Toddler's Got Talent will be our own Little Richard. | 1.2469 | 0.06219 | 81 | 66 | 10 | 5 |
2108 | So let me tell youse all about what life is like in the pen. | 1.2469 | 0.05701 | 81 | 64 | 14 | 3 |
2109 | See honey?! I told you he could stand up! | 1.2469 | 0.06219 | 81 | 66 | 10 | 5 |
2110 | Look, honey, I think he's practicing to be our Commander in Chief some day. | 1.2469 | 0.05701 | 81 | 64 | 14 | 3 |
2111 | People of the living room, greetings! | 1.2469 | 0.05424 | 81 | 63 | 16 | 2 |
2112 | If he is singing "My Way," we are sending him to boarding school for kindergarten! | 1.2469 | 0.05966 | 81 | 65 | 12 | 4 |
2113 | Don’t forget to tip your milk providers and bottle washers! | 1.2469 | 0.05701 | 81 | 64 | 14 | 3 |
2114 | Look, Honey! Stand-up—& without any crib notes, no less! | 1.2469 | 0.05966 | 81 | 65 | 12 | 4 |
2115 | Exceptional. If only the President were as articulate! | 1.2469 | 0.06219 | 81 | 66 | 10 | 5 |
2116 | ‘YOU SUCK!’ Paediatricians say it’s important to start heckling them as this age. | 1.2469 | 0.05701 | 81 | 64 | 14 | 3 |
2117 | I read all the best wedding singers started before the age of one. | 1.2469 | 0.05966 | 81 | 65 | 12 | 4 |
2118 | Baby monitor, shaby monitor, this kid’s ready for prime time! | 1.2469 | 0.05701 | 81 | 64 | 14 | 3 |
2119 | Act 3, Act 3– Watch your back, Ira Glasss. | 1.2469 | 0.06219 | 81 | 66 | 10 | 5 |
2120 | Look Larry, listening to those Churchill speeches during my pregnancy really paid off! | 1.2469 | 0.05424 | 81 | 63 | 16 | 2 |
2121 | Beware of the Military-Industrial Crib Mobile! | 1.2469 | 0.06219 | 81 | 66 | 10 | 5 |
2122 | Honey, I think we might have our next Secretary of Defense! | 1.2469 | 0.05966 | 81 | 65 | 12 | 4 |
2123 | I wanna give him a Huggie. | 1.2469 | 0.05966 | 81 | 65 | 12 | 4 |
2124 | I’d like to thank my mother for raising me—and the mic. | 1.2469 | 0.05966 | 81 | 65 | 12 | 4 |
2125 | What a little darling - playing president. | 1.2469 | 0.05701 | 81 | 64 | 14 | 3 |
2126 | He's not just standing,Hon! He's doing stand up! | 1.2469 | 0.05966 | 81 | 65 | 12 | 4 |
2127 | His YouTube subscribers will love this out-of-reach bear episode. | 1.2469 | 0.05701 | 81 | 64 | 14 | 3 |
2128 | Look, Steve! It's his first monologue. | 1.2469 | 0.05966 | 81 | 65 | 12 | 4 |
2129 | They say this is how Mrs. Maisel started out. | 1.2469 | 0.05701 | 81 | 64 | 14 | 3 |
2130 | And when I'm elected there will be FREE graham crackers for all from birth through third grade. | 1.2469 | 0.05966 | 81 | 65 | 12 | 4 |
2131 | He's nominating us for best parents of the year award | 1.2469 | 0.05701 | 81 | 64 | 14 | 3 |
2132 | Lady’s and. Gentlemen, give it up for the happy couple | 1.2469 | 0.06219 | 81 | 66 | 10 | 5 |
2133 | Before I say my first word, a word from our sponsors. | 1.2469 | 0.05966 | 81 | 65 | 12 | 4 |
2134 | It's a great start. As soon as he can read we'll get him a teleprompter. | 1.2469 | 0.05131 | 81 | 62 | 18 | 1 |
2135 | His tax plan sounds better than any of the others. | 1.2469 | 0.05966 | 81 | 65 | 12 | 4 |
2136 | The teleprompter says, "I'm fine, go back to sleep, Mom and Dad." | 1.2469 | 0.05966 | 81 | 65 | 12 | 4 |
2137 | I just know his first words will be life alteringly brilliant! | 1.2469 | 0.06219 | 81 | 66 | 10 | 5 |
2138 | When did he learn to speak in German??? | 1.2469 | 0.06219 | 81 | 66 | 10 | 5 |
2139 | Now he wants me to deliver Ohio. | 1.2469 | 0.05701 | 81 | 64 | 14 | 3 |
2140 | OMG! He's doing stand-up before he even walks. | 1.2469 | 0.05966 | 81 | 65 | 12 | 4 |
2141 | How cute! He sounds just like President Trump! | 1.2469 | 0.06462 | 81 | 67 | 8 | 6 |
2142 | Another one running for President? | 1.2469 | 0.06219 | 81 | 66 | 10 | 5 |
2143 | Wow. I bet Joe Biden wasn’t prepared for that one either. | 1.2469 | 0.05701 | 81 | 64 | 14 | 3 |
2144 | Oh I hope he does “O Mio Babbino Caro” again! | 1.2469 | 0.05966 | 81 | 65 | 12 | 4 |
2145 | Oh, honey look! He’s going off script! | 1.2469 | 0.05701 | 81 | 64 | 14 | 3 |
2146 | Baby Gaga live from the crib. | 1.2469 | 0.05966 | 81 | 65 | 12 | 4 |
2147 | Im here all week. | 1.2469 | 0.06462 | 81 | 67 | 8 | 6 |
2148 | At nine months, he should start taking requests... | 1.2469 | 0.05701 | 81 | 64 | 14 | 3 |
2149 | Bob, look. He could be our next president! | 1.2469 | 0.05966 | 81 | 65 | 12 | 4 |
2150 | Quick, get the camera! Donny is giving his first executive order! | 1.2469 | 0.05701 | 81 | 64 | 14 | 3 |
2151 | Get ready.. here comes his first mic drop! | 1.2469 | 0.05966 | 81 | 65 | 12 | 4 |
2152 | His first words are “Testing , testing 123”. | 1.2469 | 0.05701 | 81 | 64 | 14 | 3 |
2153 | Honey, just think; we were his first followers! | 1.2469 | 0.05701 | 81 | 64 | 14 | 3 |
2154 | Contrary to the saying, a star is raised, not born. | 1.2469 | 0.05131 | 81 | 62 | 18 | 1 |
2155 | This way, I can hear him from the bar on the corner. | 1.2469 | 0.05966 | 81 | 65 | 12 | 4 |
2156 | And now, for all you youngsters out there, we have a really big show! | 1.2469 | 0.05424 | 81 | 63 | 16 | 2 |
2157 | If he starts right now, he’ll be on schedule for the 2044 primaries! | 1.2469 | 0.05424 | 81 | 63 | 16 | 2 |
2158 | He was inspired by Andrew Dice Clay's nursery rhymes. | 1.2469 | 0.06219 | 81 | 66 | 10 | 5 |
2159 | Look! He's outgrown his teddy bear. | 1.2469 | 0.05701 | 81 | 64 | 14 | 3 |
2160 | Boss baby, or child prodigy? I’m not quite sure. | 1.2469 | 0.05701 | 81 | 64 | 14 | 3 |
2161 | Gasp! Now he just has to learn how to lie. | 1.2469 | 0.05701 | 81 | 64 | 14 | 3 |
2162 | Whether he's the new Pavarotti or the next Judy Garland, we'll accept him just the way he is! | 1.2469 | 0.05424 | 81 | 63 | 16 | 2 |
2163 | I want to take this opportunity to announce my candidacy for president of the United States in the Democratic primary. | 1.2469 | 0.05701 | 81 | 64 | 14 | 3 |
2164 | The Baby Blog will bring in a fortune! | 1.2444 | 0.05314 | 90 | 71 | 16 | 3 |
2165 | Tell the “I don’t get no respect” joke again, Rodney. | 1.2442 | 0.05715 | 86 | 69 | 13 | 4 |
2166 | Look, honey! He's doing stand-up on his own! | 1.2442 | 0.05214 | 86 | 67 | 17 | 2 |
2167 | For my encore, I’d like to rock your socks with my rendition of “Baa, Baa Black Sheep.” | 1.2442 | 0.05470 | 86 | 68 | 15 | 3 |
2168 | Oh Honey, look - he started his own podcast entitled "Eat, Sleep, Poop." | 1.2442 | 0.05949 | 86 | 70 | 11 | 5 |
2169 | Who would have guessed that his first words would be “a funny thing happened...”? | 1.2442 | 0.05715 | 86 | 69 | 13 | 4 |
2170 | I'd like to announce my candidacy for President of the United States" | 1.2442 | 0.05715 | 86 | 69 | 13 | 4 |
2171 | Babies don't usually stand-up this young! | 1.2442 | 0.05949 | 86 | 70 | 11 | 5 |
2172 | I told you it'd be worth the extra thousand for Chuck Schumer's sperm! | 1.2442 | 0.05214 | 86 | 67 | 17 | 2 |
2173 | 1953 - Our own little Ozzy Osbourne - He bit the arm off of his teddy bear! | 1.2442 | 0.05470 | 86 | 68 | 15 | 3 |
2174 | Look at our precious Baby Gaga | 1.2442 | 0.05470 | 86 | 68 | 15 | 3 |
2175 | Thanks! You've been great! I'll be here all year! | 1.2442 | 0.04945 | 86 | 66 | 19 | 1 |
2176 | He said, "Take my parents...please!". | 1.2442 | 0.05715 | 86 | 69 | 13 | 4 |
2177 | His first YouTube monologue. | 1.2442 | 0.05470 | 86 | 68 | 15 | 3 |
2178 | He's a showman just like his father! | 1.2442 | 0.05949 | 86 | 70 | 11 | 5 |
2179 | For my first number I’d like to pee while Mom changes my di-dee. Let’s give her a nice welcome everyone. | 1.2442 | 0.05470 | 86 | 68 | 15 | 3 |
2180 | I’m new to stand up comedy. | 1.2442 | 0.04945 | 86 | 66 | 19 | 1 |
2181 | Look, he's standing up! | 1.2442 | 0.05470 | 86 | 68 | 15 | 3 |
2182 | Yes, Mr. President. | 1.2442 | 0.05470 | 86 | 68 | 15 | 3 |
2183 | His first speech without a crib sheet. | 1.2442 | 0.05715 | 86 | 69 | 13 | 4 |
2184 | Honey, I want to take this time to tell you I slept with a lounge singer in Vegas two years ago. | 1.2442 | 0.05715 | 86 | 69 | 13 | 4 |
2185 | No tuition! | 1.2442 | 0.05470 | 86 | 68 | 15 | 3 |
2186 | He’s working on a Ted Talk: How to make the most of crib life. | 1.2442 | 0.05214 | 86 | 67 | 17 | 2 |
2187 | And a big shout out to the sperm donor.” | 1.2442 | 0.05715 | 86 | 69 | 13 | 4 |
2188 | Who's the sixty-eighth Democratic primary candidate? That's right! You are! | 1.2442 | 0.04945 | 86 | 66 | 19 | 1 |
2189 | He’s doing standup! | 1.2442 | 0.05214 | 86 | 67 | 17 | 2 |
2190 | Larry, his first words were, “Take my father, ...please” | 1.2442 | 0.05470 | 86 | 68 | 15 | 3 |
2191 | Oh, Honey! His very first campaign speech! | 1.2442 | 0.05214 | 86 | 67 | 17 | 2 |
2192 | Oh my God! He said "goo gaw goo"! With our money and our contacts at Harvard, he'll be the next Füher of America! | 1.2442 | 0.05470 | 86 | 68 | 15 | 3 |
2193 | Shall we promote our little stand-up comedian as infantile or juvenile? | 1.2442 | 0.05214 | 86 | 67 | 17 | 2 |
2194 | I like all his songs, but his rendition of The Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favorite. | 1.2442 | 0.05715 | 86 | 69 | 13 | 4 |
2195 | Never mind. He just keeps repeating, 'Pass the torch!' | 1.2442 | 0.05470 | 86 | 68 | 15 | 3 |
2196 | Indeed, he exhibits exceptional stump precocity, but I wish his vocabulary were broader than "Lock her up!". | 1.2442 | 0.05470 | 86 | 68 | 15 | 3 |
2197 | I'm running in the primary on a platform of stronger crib regulations. We can't allow just any Teddy in the crib. | 1.2442 | 0.04945 | 86 | 66 | 19 | 1 |
2198 | Honey, he's lip-synching the President! | 1.2442 | 0.06175 | 86 | 71 | 9 | 6 |
2199 | I swear it sounds like first words were Lady Gaga. | 1.2442 | 0.05214 | 86 | 67 | 17 | 2 |
2200 | Not looking forward to our arguments about career choice in 10 years. | 1.2442 | 0.05715 | 86 | 69 | 13 | 4 |
2201 | There’s no business like poop business laaa lala | 1.2442 | 0.05214 | 86 | 67 | 17 | 2 |
2202 | Looks like he plans to rock himself to sleep. | 1.2442 | 0.05470 | 86 | 68 | 15 | 3 |
2203 | The parenting book said we should do all we can to help him find his own voice. | 1.2442 | 0.04945 | 86 | 66 | 19 | 1 |
2204 | Two toddlers got on to a bus | 1.2442 | 0.05715 | 86 | 69 | 13 | 4 |
2205 | I told you "Fly Me to the Moon" was not a suitable choice for a lullaby! | 1.2442 | 0.05715 | 86 | 69 | 13 | 4 |
2206 | *Gasp* I KNOW him!!!! | 1.2442 | 0.05715 | 86 | 69 | 13 | 4 |
2207 | Isn't this exciting, his very first cribcast. | 1.2442 | 0.04945 | 86 | 66 | 19 | 1 |
2208 | Look! His first stand up, standing up! | 1.2442 | 0.05470 | 86 | 68 | 15 | 3 |
2209 | Look! He's started his own podcast! | 1.2442 | 0.05715 | 86 | 69 | 13 | 4 |
2210 | WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA | 1.2442 | 0.05949 | 86 | 70 | 11 | 5 |
2211 | Maybe we should stop this before he turns into a politician. | 1.2442 | 0.05470 | 86 | 68 | 15 | 3 |
2212 | Electability is an issue- he’s polling in the terrible twos. | 1.2442 | 0.04945 | 86 | 66 | 19 | 1 |
2213 | Amazing for a kid whose age group doesn't even have a title yet. | 1.2442 | 0.05470 | 86 | 68 | 15 | 3 |
2214 | Articulate at conception, I was born to lead! | 1.2442 | 0.05214 | 86 | 67 | 17 | 2 |
2215 | Let's not tell him he has to be thirty-five to be president. | 1.2442 | 0.05214 | 86 | 67 | 17 | 2 |
2216 | I told you the 18+ months speech writing class would pay off! | 1.2442 | 0.05715 | 86 | 69 | 13 | 4 |
2217 | Oh, look at him, on his little podium giving his state of the family address! | 1.2442 | 0.04945 | 86 | 66 | 19 | 1 |
2218 | 55,000 YouTube subscribers, $3,000 ad revenue, and all he says is "Mama" and "Dada." | 1.2442 | 0.04945 | 86 | 66 | 19 | 1 |
2219 | Testing, testing 1,2,1,2. Ga ga goo goo. | 1.2442 | 0.05470 | 86 | 68 | 15 | 3 |
2220 | Remarkable - our child is going to be the President of the United States! | 1.2442 | 0.05470 | 86 | 68 | 15 | 3 |
2221 | Unaccustomed as I am to public peeing... | 1.2442 | 0.06175 | 86 | 71 | 9 | 6 |
2222 | Don't tell me he's demanding a wall........ | 1.2442 | 0.05715 | 86 | 69 | 13 | 4 |
2223 | Oh look! They're filming "Back to the Future, Trump Edition." | 1.2442 | 0.05949 | 86 | 70 | 11 | 5 |
2224 | I think this podcast on alien diapers will get even more downloads than the strained peas conspiracy. | 1.2442 | 0.05949 | 86 | 70 | 11 | 5 |
2225 | Oh, Frank! He just made his first stump speech! | 1.2442 | 0.05715 | 86 | 69 | 13 | 4 |
2226 | Honey, get the camera! It's his first apology speech! | 1.2442 | 0.05214 | 86 | 67 | 17 | 2 |
2227 | At least if he whips "his" dick out they'll be no media backlash. | 1.2442 | 0.05470 | 86 | 68 | 15 | 3 |
2228 | I'd tell him not to quit his day job, but he's two. | 1.2442 | 0.04945 | 86 | 66 | 19 | 1 |
2229 | He's really making the most of his platform | 1.2442 | 0.05715 | 86 | 69 | 13 | 4 |
2230 | Stand up is so much more advanced than improv! | 1.2442 | 0.05470 | 86 | 68 | 15 | 3 |
2231 | By installing a full studio, instead of just a baby monitor, he'll be an influencer before he's five years old! | 1.2442 | 0.04945 | 86 | 66 | 19 | 1 |
2232 | Look Honey, it's his first stand up! | 1.2442 | 0.05470 | 86 | 68 | 15 | 3 |
2233 | And if elected, I will not serve | 1.2442 | 0.05470 | 86 | 68 | 15 | 3 |
2234 | Isn't he too young for "A Hard Rain's A-Gonna Fall"? | 1.2442 | 0.05470 | 86 | 68 | 15 | 3 |
2235 | So that's what you meant by the baby can do 'stand up'! | 1.2442 | 0.05470 | 86 | 68 | 15 | 3 |
2236 | And just today he delivered his very first punch line! | 1.2442 | 0.05715 | 86 | 69 | 13 | 4 |
2237 | I dare you to name one other candidate with his spotless record! | 1.2442 | 0.05715 | 86 | 69 | 13 | 4 |
2238 | Sure we want to change his bedtime hour, but I'm so proud of his first filibuster. | 1.2442 | 0.05715 | 86 | 69 | 13 | 4 |
2239 | He sounds just like Yoko! | 1.2442 | 0.05470 | 86 | 68 | 15 | 3 |
2240 | He gave a shout out to his mother. That's me! | 1.2442 | 0.04945 | 86 | 66 | 19 | 1 |
2241 | Senator, As you can see, I've been looking at transportation my whole life. There, I am an expert. But I have failed completely in the preservation of the stuffed Kodiak bear. I just can't reach it. I step down from this committee assignment. | 1.2442 | 0.05470 | 86 | 68 | 15 | 3 |
2242 | Where did we go wrong??!!? | 1.2442 | 0.05470 | 86 | 68 | 15 | 3 |
2243 | He live streamed momma. | 1.2442 | 0.04945 | 86 | 66 | 19 | 1 |
2244 | In this industry, I'm worried he might get into baby powder. | 1.2442 | 0.05715 | 86 | 69 | 13 | 4 |
2245 | His Morning's Broadcast got 14 'Likes' minus 1. | 1.2442 | 0.05470 | 86 | 68 | 15 | 3 |
2246 | Netflix will give anyone a standup special. | 1.2442 | 0.05715 | 86 | 69 | 13 | 4 |
2247 | Wait till you hear his bit on universal pre-k for all babies. | 1.2442 | 0.05470 | 86 | 68 | 15 | 3 |
2248 | Hoping his mad singing skillz can pay for college which in 18 years should cost $1million a year. | 1.2442 | 0.04945 | 86 | 66 | 19 | 1 |
2249 | He's all talk, no play! | 1.2442 | 0.04945 | 86 | 66 | 19 | 1 |
2250 | Mama. Mama. Maga. | 1.2442 | 0.05949 | 86 | 70 | 11 | 5 |
2251 | Let's teach him to moonwalk! | 1.2442 | 0.05470 | 86 | 68 | 15 | 3 |
2252 | Today, the moon. Tomorrow, The Price is Right. | 1.2442 | 0.05214 | 86 | 67 | 17 | 2 |
2253 | I think he just announced that he is running in the Democratic primaries in 2060. | 1.2442 | 0.05470 | 86 | 68 | 15 | 3 |
2254 | Look, dear, he's doing stand-up. | 1.2442 | 0.05715 | 86 | 69 | 13 | 4 |
2255 | Ha ha! And he doesn't even talk! | 1.2442 | 0.05470 | 86 | 68 | 15 | 3 |
2256 | Kevin, look! He's podcasting! | 1.2442 | 0.05214 | 86 | 67 | 17 | 2 |
2257 | Our babies first podcast" | 1.2439 | 0.05900 | 82 | 66 | 12 | 4 |
2258 | Our little boy, fighting the info wars... | 1.2439 | 0.06150 | 82 | 67 | 10 | 5 |
2259 | We should be so proud of him, our own little Jimmy Kimmel. | 1.2439 | 0.05900 | 82 | 66 | 12 | 4 |
2260 | Welcome to my new podcast “Beyond the Crib” | 1.2439 | 0.05366 | 82 | 64 | 16 | 2 |
2261 | Our son’s video just got 50,000 likes | 1.2439 | 0.05900 | 82 | 66 | 12 | 4 |
2262 | Oh honey, he sounds just like the real ones! | 1.2439 | 0.05366 | 82 | 64 | 16 | 2 |
2263 | I would like to announce my candidacy for the Democratic nominations for the presidency of the United States of America. | 1.2439 | 0.06150 | 82 | 67 | 10 | 5 |
2264 | He sings his own lullabies. | 1.2439 | 0.05639 | 82 | 65 | 14 | 3 |
2265 | “I swear, he sounds just like Winston Churchill." | 1.2439 | 0.05639 | 82 | 65 | 14 | 3 |
2266 | With a voice like that we can start charging him rent! | 1.2439 | 0.06390 | 82 | 68 | 8 | 6 |
2267 | Junior's first bald-faced lie! He'll be president some day! | 1.2439 | 0.05900 | 82 | 66 | 12 | 4 |
2268 | His first ad-lib! | 1.2439 | 0.05639 | 82 | 65 | 14 | 3 |
2269 | He just needs a wispy toupee and an inflated sense of self-importance and he’ll be president in no time! | 1.2439 | 0.05639 | 82 | 65 | 14 | 3 |
2270 | Oh My Gawd, Murray... Quick! Run out and get some nice veal!! | 1.2439 | 0.06390 | 82 | 68 | 8 | 6 |
2271 | Awww...he has the best words | 1.2439 | 0.06150 | 82 | 67 | 10 | 5 |
2272 | Exciting his first full sentence. “Pick up my Teddy”. | 1.2439 | 0.05900 | 82 | 66 | 12 | 4 |
2273 | Did he just say, "Mission accomplished"? | 1.2439 | 0.05639 | 82 | 65 | 14 | 3 |
2274 | Who cares if the jokes are bad! | 1.2439 | 0.05366 | 82 | 64 | 16 | 2 |
2275 | That’s how we know he’ll be successful, honey; he’s got the same reading level as the voters. | 1.2439 | 0.06150 | 82 | 67 | 10 | 5 |
2276 | I'm Baby | 1.2439 | 0.05900 | 82 | 66 | 12 | 4 |
2277 | Not yet, honey. He’s on his fourth encore. | 1.2439 | 0.05366 | 82 | 64 | 16 | 2 |
2278 | I’m a Social Media junkie and my baby was born an addict. | 1.2439 | 0.05639 | 82 | 65 | 14 | 3 |
2279 | And he already has a million followers of his podcast. | 1.2439 | 0.05639 | 82 | 65 | 14 | 3 |
2280 | I don't care if he is having fun, I want him to win. | 1.2439 | 0.06150 | 82 | 67 | 10 | 5 |
2281 | Look! His first speech! | 1.2439 | 0.05639 | 82 | 65 | 14 | 3 |
2282 | I knew naming him "Sinatra" was a great idea. | 1.2439 | 0.05366 | 82 | 64 | 16 | 2 |
2283 | Look, no bet is certain, but that crib was FULL for, like, a month. | 1.2439 | 0.05900 | 82 | 66 | 12 | 4 |
2284 | A big shoutout to the ‘rents for enabling my first standing-up routine. | 1.2439 | 0.05639 | 82 | 65 | 14 | 3 |
2285 | See, Bob! I told you mixing Red Bull in with his formula would get him up earlier! | 1.2439 | 0.05639 | 82 | 65 | 14 | 3 |
2286 | Thank you. I'll be here all eighteen years | 1.2439 | 0.05639 | 82 | 65 | 14 | 3 |
2287 | Mom I know you want me to take one small step for man but I just want out of this crib! | 1.2439 | 0.06150 | 82 | 67 | 10 | 5 |
2288 | Pretty soon we're going to need Baby's First Teleprompter. | 1.2439 | 0.05366 | 82 | 64 | 16 | 2 |
2289 | the capitalist regime must fall, we will seize the means of production | 1.2439 | 0.05639 | 82 | 65 | 14 | 3 |
2290 | Oh my god—his first podcast! | 1.2439 | 0.05366 | 82 | 64 | 16 | 2 |
2291 | Did he have to go baby blue so fast? | 1.2439 | 0.05366 | 82 | 64 | 16 | 2 |
2292 | I can't wait to see his Netflix special | 1.2439 | 0.05639 | 82 | 65 | 14 | 3 |
2293 | That's MY Gerber Millionaire ! | 1.2439 | 0.05366 | 82 | 64 | 16 | 2 |
2294 | Maybe he'll grow up like Elton John. | 1.2439 | 0.05366 | 82 | 64 | 16 | 2 |
2295 | I always knew his first words would be “Testing 1-2-3.” | 1.2439 | 0.05900 | 82 | 66 | 12 | 4 |
2296 | When he said the cover is ten dollars I thought he was talking about his blanket | 1.2439 | 0.05639 | 82 | 65 | 14 | 3 |
2297 | Look honey, he's the reincarnation of Ross Perot. | 1.2439 | 0.05900 | 82 | 66 | 12 | 4 |
2298 | His first words were Mama ... or was it Obama? | 1.2439 | 0.05900 | 82 | 66 | 12 | 4 |
2299 | 2 million views! | 1.2439 | 0.05077 | 82 | 63 | 18 | 1 |
2300 | Breastfeeding does make them 20% funnier! | 1.2436 | 0.06103 | 78 | 63 | 11 | 4 |
2301 | PLEASE NOTE: You sendtus the July issue and we didn’t get it until July 1st. Which makes it very difficult for me to submit my caption to the “Dragon” cartoon by June 30, 19. It is: “ She is still upset about you burning her hair off last time” | 1.2430 | 0.05609 | 107 | 89 | 10 | 8 |
2302 | I told you we shouldn’t have let him watch the democratic debate last night. | 1.2429 | 0.06574 | 70 | 57 | 9 | 4 |
2303 | Oh Harry, Nipper's first obscene word! | 1.2418 | 0.05263 | 91 | 72 | 16 | 3 |
2304 | He's announcing for the 2056 election; call Russia " | 1.2414 | 0.05656 | 87 | 70 | 13 | 4 |
2305 | Where should we mount the spotlight? | 1.2414 | 0.04895 | 87 | 67 | 19 | 1 |
2306 | I'd like to dedicate this next wail to my babysitter, Tiffany. | 1.2414 | 0.05414 | 87 | 69 | 15 | 3 |
2307 | Look, dear, he's campaigning for 2052! | 1.2414 | 0.05656 | 87 | 70 | 13 | 4 |
2308 | Aww, he has your eyes and belief in a limited government! | 1.2414 | 0.05414 | 87 | 69 | 15 | 3 |
2309 | The jets make him look like such a big boy | 1.2414 | 0.05161 | 87 | 68 | 17 | 2 |
2310 | Change my diaper, please | 1.2414 | 0.05656 | 87 | 70 | 13 | 4 |
2311 | In brief, the child tax credit erodes the tax base, jeopardizing future generations. Time to nix it. | 1.2414 | 0.05414 | 87 | 69 | 15 | 3 |
2312 | ...and the nominees for "parents of the year" prize are... | 1.2414 | 0.05656 | 87 | 70 | 13 | 4 |
2313 | He just announced he's running for President! | 1.2410 | 0.06083 | 83 | 68 | 10 | 5 |
2314 | Look honey, he'll soon be telling lies just as easily as our politicians. | 1.2410 | 0.06083 | 83 | 68 | 10 | 5 |
2315 | He just announced he's running for president in 2040! | 1.2410 | 0.06548 | 83 | 70 | 6 | 7 |
2316 | Yes, but can he reach across the crib? | 1.2410 | 0.04723 | 83 | 63 | 20 | 0 |
2317 | Don’t you dare heckle him! | 1.2410 | 0.06083 | 83 | 68 | 10 | 5 |
2318 | Thank you. I'll be here all week. | 1.2410 | 0.05024 | 83 | 64 | 18 | 1 |
2319 | Because 'Mama' in surround sound just sounds better. | 1.2410 | 0.05309 | 83 | 65 | 16 | 2 |
2320 | A tune only a mother has ears for | 1.2410 | 0.05579 | 83 | 66 | 14 | 3 |
2321 | His first words were "Take my Mother, please." | 1.2410 | 0.05579 | 83 | 66 | 14 | 3 |
2322 | Look Thomas, he's already pandering at a three-year old level! | 1.2410 | 0.05836 | 83 | 67 | 12 | 4 |
2323 | His first campaign promise! | 1.2410 | 0.05309 | 83 | 65 | 16 | 2 |
2324 | Please welcome my next guests... Mommy and Daddy! | 1.2410 | 0.05309 | 83 | 65 | 16 | 2 |
2325 | Carol... you have to stop. | 1.2410 | 0.05024 | 83 | 64 | 18 | 1 |
2326 | I have something to say about how things are run here... | 1.2410 | 0.05309 | 83 | 65 | 16 | 2 |
2327 | Oh, look, honey - his first TED talk! | 1.2410 | 0.06320 | 83 | 69 | 8 | 6 |
2328 | I knew the mic would get him to talk! He’ going to be a politician. | 1.2410 | 0.05309 | 83 | 65 | 16 | 2 |
2329 | Wait'll you hear him do the seven "mamma-dadda" words routine. | 1.2410 | 0.05836 | 83 | 67 | 12 | 4 |
2330 | Look honey,he's playing "Mayor Pete" again! | 1.2410 | 0.05836 | 83 | 67 | 12 | 4 |
2331 | This is my first time doing my comedy standing up. | 1.2410 | 0.05024 | 83 | 64 | 18 | 1 |
2332 | Tune in tomorrow for my rendition of 'H' through 'P' . | 1.2410 | 0.05579 | 83 | 66 | 14 | 3 |
2333 | He told everyone I'm his favorite mother! | 1.2410 | 0.05579 | 83 | 66 | 14 | 3 |
2334 | We can monetize this baby! | 1.2410 | 0.05579 | 83 | 66 | 14 | 3 |
2335 | He just said that there are at least 300 people in the room. | 1.2410 | 0.05579 | 83 | 66 | 14 | 3 |
2336 | He's a democrat! | 1.2410 | 0.05309 | 83 | 65 | 16 | 2 |
2337 | Oh, honey, look! His first podcast! | 1.2410 | 0.05309 | 83 | 65 | 16 | 2 |
2338 | Get the camera, he's about to drop his first mic! | 1.2410 | 0.05579 | 83 | 66 | 14 | 3 |
2339 | I didn't expect him to be talking so soon, I hope he doesn't grow up to be a politician! | 1.2410 | 0.05309 | 83 | 65 | 16 | 2 |
2340 | Did you hear our boy, honey? He said, "I'm here 'til Thursday; try the veal." | 1.2410 | 0.05579 | 83 | 66 | 14 | 3 |
2341 | His first policy regurgitation! | 1.2410 | 0.05309 | 83 | 65 | 16 | 2 |
2342 | Crying got our attention too. | 1.2410 | 0.05836 | 83 | 67 | 12 | 4 |
2343 | Take my binky... please. | 1.2410 | 0.05309 | 83 | 65 | 16 | 2 |
2344 | we were so right to name him "Winston!" | 1.2410 | 0.05579 | 83 | 66 | 14 | 3 |
2345 | He doesn't identify with a particular religion, gender, sexual orientation or race, he's perfect. | 1.2410 | 0.06083 | 83 | 68 | 10 | 5 |
2346 | Can you believe it? He's already learned the seven words! | 1.2410 | 0.06083 | 83 | 68 | 10 | 5 |
2347 | Jim, he's gone from coo to coup and overthrown Teddy! | 1.2410 | 0.05836 | 83 | 67 | 12 | 4 |
2348 | Oh Honey! Isn't he wonderful? And just wait till he learns a word or two. | 1.2410 | 0.05309 | 83 | 65 | 16 | 2 |
2349 | His first word is about to go viral!” | 1.2410 | 0.05309 | 83 | 65 | 16 | 2 |
2350 | Ba da boom, ba da bing. | 1.2410 | 0.05836 | 83 | 67 | 12 | 4 |
2351 | Oh, look, dear! It's his first live pod-cast! | 1.2410 | 0.05579 | 83 | 66 | 14 | 3 |
2352 | Look! His first press conference. | 1.2410 | 0.05579 | 83 | 66 | 14 | 3 |
2353 | This week on bed time FM I’ll be talking about leaveraging your parents for more awake time by using the potty and Alec Baldwin is back for another great segment on how to park in New York while avoiding jail” | 1.2410 | 0.06083 | 83 | 68 | 10 | 5 |
2354 | ... and then he said he was running for office! | 1.2410 | 0.06083 | 83 | 68 | 10 | 5 |
2355 | he's doing Stand Up before he can actually Stand Up | 1.2410 | 0.05836 | 83 | 67 | 12 | 4 |
2356 | Sing out Louise, sing out! | 1.2410 | 0.06083 | 83 | 68 | 10 | 5 |
2357 | Mom. Dad. It seemed like the baby monitor wasn't working. I need my teddy. | 1.2410 | 0.05836 | 83 | 67 | 12 | 4 |
2358 | Wait a moment! Our president is addressing the nation | 1.2410 | 0.06769 | 83 | 71 | 4 | 8 |
2359 | Sing that one about the little star again! I think it could be a hit. | 1.2410 | 0.05024 | 83 | 64 | 18 | 1 |
2360 | He's the president's choice for the next Secretary of Defense. | 1.2410 | 0.05024 | 83 | 64 | 18 | 1 |
2361 | Do you think we should pull the plug? Suppose he turns out like Donald Trump. | 1.2410 | 0.06083 | 83 | 68 | 10 | 5 |
2362 | He has a plan for government-run potty training. | 1.2410 | 0.05024 | 83 | 64 | 18 | 1 |
2363 | I told you he had a face for radio! | 1.2410 | 0.05836 | 83 | 67 | 12 | 4 |
2364 | Now tell mommy you love her, real loud! | 1.2410 | 0.05309 | 83 | 65 | 16 | 2 |
2365 | Ground control to Major Tom... | 1.2410 | 0.06320 | 83 | 69 | 8 | 6 |
2366 | Now I know for sure he's not mine. | 1.2410 | 0.05309 | 83 | 65 | 16 | 2 |
2367 | We can pay off the mortgage!! | 1.2410 | 0.05836 | 83 | 67 | 12 | 4 |
2368 | Be gentle. He just let his agent go. | 1.2410 | 0.05309 | 83 | 65 | 16 | 2 |
2369 | In a British Accent: The vaccines made our son artistic! He's already doing stand up. | 1.2410 | 0.05309 | 83 | 65 | 16 | 2 |
2370 | We ordered a monitor not a PA system! | 1.2410 | 0.05836 | 83 | 67 | 12 | 4 |
2371 | Oh, look honey! He's assassinated his Teddy and declared a coup over all the crib's creatures. | 1.2410 | 0.05836 | 83 | 67 | 12 | 4 |
2372 | I would like to pay tribute to our wonderful Armed Forces. | 1.2410 | 0.05836 | 83 | 67 | 12 | 4 |
2373 | To think, he could be an autocrat one day with his very own military-themed celebration. | 1.2410 | 0.05836 | 83 | 67 | 12 | 4 |
2374 | Look honey! In just a few years he'll be inappropriately touching women too! | 1.2410 | 0.05836 | 83 | 67 | 12 | 4 |
2375 | Pass the baton! | 1.2410 | 0.05836 | 83 | 67 | 12 | 4 |
2376 | I'm so glad we named him Mike! | 1.2410 | 0.05024 | 83 | 64 | 18 | 1 |
2377 | Oh, Darling, I see millions in our future. | 1.2410 | 0.06320 | 83 | 69 | 8 | 6 |
2378 | And he’s awake at 5am every day to send his tweets | 1.2410 | 0.05579 | 83 | 66 | 14 | 3 |
2379 | Sing 'Melancholy Baby.' | 1.2410 | 0.05309 | 83 | 65 | 16 | 2 |
2380 | He's announcing that he's running for the Democratic nomination for President! | 1.2410 | 0.05836 | 83 | 67 | 12 | 4 |
2381 | Hello my baby, hello my darlin' | 1.2410 | 0.05024 | 83 | 64 | 18 | 1 |
2382 | And the meaning of life is... | 1.2410 | 0.05579 | 83 | 66 | 14 | 3 |
2383 | Welcome. I have decided to wake up. | 1.2410 | 0.05309 | 83 | 65 | 16 | 2 |
2384 | Addressing the infantry. | 1.2410 | 0.05579 | 83 | 66 | 14 | 3 |
2385 | Thank you! I'll be here for the next 92 years. | 1.2410 | 0.05309 | 83 | 65 | 16 | 2 |
2386 | 14 million followers! Our Kevin's the only performer to do stand up before he can actually stand up. | 1.2410 | 0.05579 | 83 | 66 | 14 | 3 |
2387 | It’s so much better than his crawl up routine. | 1.2410 | 0.05579 | 83 | 66 | 14 | 3 |
2388 | As depicted in my mobile is the Revolutionary Air Force,key to Washington's Army's control of the air over the Colonies. | 1.2410 | 0.06083 | 83 | 68 | 10 | 5 |
2389 | So that's what he traded his iPhone for. | 1.2410 | 0.05579 | 83 | 66 | 14 | 3 |
2390 | Say something Mommy can hashtag. | 1.2410 | 0.05309 | 83 | 65 | 16 | 2 |
2391 | He’s ready for FOX NEWS. | 1.2410 | 0.05836 | 83 | 67 | 12 | 4 |
2392 | Nah, but really folks I come from a very loving home. My parents are actually in the crowd tonight. Give it up for Joan and Steven you guys! | 1.2410 | 0.05309 | 83 | 65 | 16 | 2 |
2393 | So my mother still thinks I want to be an astronaut...more like astro-NOT! I’m here all night, folks. | 1.2410 | 0.05579 | 83 | 66 | 14 | 3 |
2394 | Isn't that cute, he wants to make America great again? | 1.2410 | 0.05579 | 83 | 66 | 14 | 3 |
2395 | Mommy's little influencer already has a million followers! | 1.2410 | 0.05309 | 83 | 65 | 16 | 2 |
2396 | His first campaign for solid foods! | 1.2410 | 0.05579 | 83 | 66 | 14 | 3 |
2397 | American toys for American boys! Send “Made in China” back to China! Accept no substitutions! If parents say “Relax” tell them our generation aims to make America Great Again! And one last thing, kiddos, stay away from Kale. Stunts your growth. | 1.2410 | 0.06083 | 83 | 68 | 10 | 5 |
2398 | Look, honey, it's his first night of stand-up. | 1.2410 | 0.06083 | 83 | 68 | 10 | 5 |
2399 | You were the one who told him he could grow up to be President! | 1.2410 | 0.05309 | 83 | 65 | 16 | 2 |
2400 | Does he come with his own agent? | 1.2410 | 0.05579 | 83 | 66 | 14 | 3 |
2401 | "Wait.He's smarter than the both of us." | 1.2410 | 0.05836 | 83 | 67 | 12 | 4 |
2402 | Honey, I think little Billy believes he can actually run in the 2020 election | 1.2410 | 0.05836 | 83 | 67 | 12 | 4 |
2403 | My first word: My! | 1.2410 | 0.05309 | 83 | 65 | 16 | 2 |
2404 | He's growing up so fast, today he's doing stand-up! | 1.2410 | 0.05309 | 83 | 65 | 16 | 2 |
2405 | Not Manilow! | 1.2410 | 0.05836 | 83 | 67 | 12 | 4 |
2406 | They said he was a sure thing based on the lack of a voting history. | 1.2410 | 0.05579 | 83 | 66 | 14 | 3 |
2407 | Aw, baby’s first podcast. | 1.2410 | 0.05579 | 83 | 66 | 14 | 3 |
2408 | Union suit. Union kid. Told ya we didn’t have to worry. | 1.2410 | 0.05309 | 83 | 65 | 16 | 2 |
2409 | ...so I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance. | 1.2410 | 0.05579 | 83 | 66 | 14 | 3 |
2410 | Use your words. | 1.2410 | 0.05024 | 83 | 64 | 18 | 1 |
2411 | And he speaks without a teleprompter | 1.2410 | 0.05836 | 83 | 67 | 12 | 4 |
2412 | OH JOHN, WE'RE GOING TO BE RICH! | 1.2410 | 0.05579 | 83 | 66 | 14 | 3 |
2413 | How cute! Look how well he spins how Teddy was collateral damage to his crib mobile defense assets. | 1.2410 | 0.05579 | 83 | 66 | 14 | 3 |
2414 | Imprisoned, we have nothing to lose but the bars of our cribs. Ignore your mobiles, cast out those traitorous Teddy Bears. We have a world to win! | 1.2410 | 0.05309 | 83 | 65 | 16 | 2 |
2415 | I say we plug it in and surprise the neighbors... | 1.2410 | 0.05024 | 83 | 64 | 18 | 1 |
2416 | He knows words. He has the best words. | 1.2410 | 0.05579 | 83 | 66 | 14 | 3 |
2417 | I know, right? No one sitting up front. | 1.2410 | 0.05579 | 83 | 66 | 14 | 3 |
2418 | We've created a monster! | 1.2410 | 0.05579 | 83 | 66 | 14 | 3 |
2419 | And another math geniues and mind-blowingly gifted child of mediocre-iq-parents was born. | 1.2410 | 0.05579 | 83 | 66 | 14 | 3 |
2420 | MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!! | 1.2410 | 0.05309 | 83 | 65 | 16 | 2 |
2421 | Look, honey. He just made his first podcast! | 1.2410 | 0.05024 | 83 | 64 | 18 | 1 |
2422 | Hey!!! There weren't any airports during the Revolutionary War!!! Mom... Dad... Have you been messing with my teleprompter again?!?! | 1.2410 | 0.05836 | 83 | 67 | 12 | 4 |
2423 | Not bad for wah-wah music, honey. | 1.2410 | 0.05836 | 83 | 67 | 12 | 4 |
2424 | He's also practicing his train stump speech! | 1.2410 | 0.05836 | 83 | 67 | 12 | 4 |
2425 | How long before he can do Carpool Karaoke? | 1.2410 | 0.05579 | 83 | 66 | 14 | 3 |
2426 | Did you hear that, honey? He wants us to tear down his wall! | 1.2410 | 0.05579 | 83 | 66 | 14 | 3 |
2427 | You’re fired! | 1.2410 | 0.05836 | 83 | 67 | 12 | 4 |
2428 | Maybe we shouldn’t have called him Elton. | 1.2410 | 0.05579 | 83 | 66 | 14 | 3 |
2429 | Do you think he's ready for a Twitter account? | 1.2410 | 0.05309 | 83 | 65 | 16 | 2 |
2430 | We never should have taken him to that presidential rally. | 1.2410 | 0.05579 | 83 | 66 | 14 | 3 |
2431 | I’m so proud! He finally tossed his rattle into the ring! | 1.2410 | 0.05309 | 83 | 65 | 16 | 2 |
2432 | And to think he got started with just a baby cam! | 1.2410 | 0.05836 | 83 | 67 | 12 | 4 |
2433 | I see him doing stand-up three times a night and living with us. | 1.2410 | 0.06083 | 83 | 68 | 10 | 5 |
2434 | Wow, John, call Nancy Pelosi. I think we've got the perfect person to beat Trump. | 1.2410 | 0.05836 | 83 | 67 | 12 | 4 |
2435 | Honey, look! He's a stand-up! | 1.2400 | 0.05148 | 100 | 80 | 16 | 4 |
2436 | I'm glad we named him Mike and not John! | 1.2400 | 0.05148 | 100 | 80 | 16 | 4 |
2437 | I believe in his humility, dear. | 1.2388 | 0.07082 | 67 | 56 | 6 | 5 |
2438 | Screaming in the middle of the night just got a whole lot easier | 1.2381 | 0.05519 | 84 | 67 | 14 | 3 |
2439 | Well, folks, that’s my time. Remember to tip your babysitters and parents. | 1.2381 | 0.05253 | 84 | 66 | 16 | 2 |
2440 | And, finally, the 5th amendment should be broadened to include babbling.. | 1.2381 | 0.05773 | 84 | 68 | 12 | 4 |
2441 | We'll hear his first word from anywhere in the house! | 1.2381 | 0.05773 | 84 | 68 | 12 | 4 |
2442 | We’ll call it Baby’s First Podcast! | 1.2381 | 0.05773 | 84 | 68 | 12 | 4 |
2443 | He spoke his first lie! | 1.2381 | 0.04972 | 84 | 65 | 18 | 1 |
2444 | He said his first tweet! | 1.2381 | 0.05253 | 84 | 66 | 16 | 2 |
2445 | Thank you, thank you. I'll be here for the next 20 years. | 1.2381 | 0.05773 | 84 | 68 | 12 | 4 |
2446 | I will not drop the mic. I will not put it down till you give me some real food to chew, not milk. | 1.2381 | 0.06017 | 84 | 69 | 10 | 5 |
2447 | Would you look at that, Sue? He’s finally learned to stand-up by himself! | 1.2381 | 0.05253 | 84 | 66 | 16 | 2 |
2448 | Oh honey, the debate team will look so good on his college application! | 1.2381 | 0.05253 | 84 | 66 | 16 | 2 |
2449 | He was so smart to pick Stuffed Animals for a jillion dollars! | 1.2381 | 0.06017 | 84 | 69 | 10 | 5 |
2450 | Oh, Look Darling, He's practicing so hard to "Make America Great Again!" | 1.2381 | 0.05773 | 84 | 68 | 12 | 4 |
2451 | He's selling himself as the opposite of Trump. | 1.2381 | 0.05773 | 84 | 68 | 12 | 4 |
2452 | He isn't even potty-mouth trained! | 1.2381 | 0.05253 | 84 | 66 | 16 | 2 |
2453 | I know it’s low brow but that booger bit kills. | 1.2381 | 0.05253 | 84 | 66 | 16 | 2 |
2454 | I love his mother-in-law material | 1.2381 | 0.05519 | 84 | 67 | 14 | 3 |
2455 | Isn't that sweet? His first press conference! | 1.2381 | 0.01792 | 84 | 70 | 13 | 1 |
2456 | OMG..........He sounds Presidential...... | 1.2381 | 0.05519 | 84 | 67 | 14 | 3 |
2457 | Be sure to tip your nannies, mommies and daddies - I'll be here for the next 18 years ! | 1.2381 | 0.06476 | 84 | 71 | 6 | 7 |
2458 | Yup. The kids are into mumble rap these days. Our kids gonna be a star! | 1.2381 | 0.04972 | 84 | 65 | 18 | 1 |
2459 | Do you see what I see? I think she's leaning to the left! | 1.2375 | 0.05108 | 80 | 62 | 17 | 1 |
2460 | It's never too early to start karaoke training! | 1.2375 | 0.05409 | 80 | 63 | 15 | 2 |
2461 | Look Bob, he's already aspiring to become a politician behind bars like my dad! | 1.2375 | 0.06225 | 80 | 66 | 9 | 5 |
2462 | Look! He does stand up without our help! | 1.2375 | 0.05108 | 80 | 62 | 17 | 1 |
2463 | Boyhemian Raptsody | 1.2371 | 0.05029 | 97 | 77 | 17 | 3 |
2464 | Well you wanted to call him Mike. | 1.2353 | 0.05198 | 85 | 67 | 16 | 2 |
2465 | He's the first one at day care who can pull-up AND do stand-up. | 1.2353 | 0.05198 | 85 | 67 | 16 | 2 |
2466 | It's time to pass the torch. | 1.2346 | 0.05053 | 81 | 63 | 17 | 1 |
2467 | His first cover! | 1.2346 | 0.05349 | 81 | 64 | 15 | 2 |
2468 | Sweet tweets darling Donald and good night. | 1.2346 | 0.05898 | 81 | 66 | 11 | 4 |
2469 | Ohhhh! His first Stand-Up! | 1.2346 | 0.05630 | 81 | 65 | 13 | 3 |
2470 | I can't wait to see him drop the mic. | 1.2346 | 0.05053 | 81 | 63 | 17 | 1 |
2471 | He has your hyperbole. | 1.2346 | 0.05898 | 81 | 66 | 11 | 4 |
2472 | This is a test of the emergency broadcast system. | 1.2346 | 0.05053 | 81 | 63 | 17 | 1 |
2473 | He has the new No. 1 podcast on iTunes. | 1.2346 | 0.06400 | 81 | 68 | 7 | 6 |
2474 | So cute, he loves analog too. | 1.2346 | 0.04737 | 81 | 62 | 19 | 0 |
2475 | I warned you about letting him watch that darn parade | 1.2346 | 0.05053 | 81 | 63 | 17 | 1 |
2476 | Our army manned the air, it rammed the ramparts, it took over the airport, it did everything it had to do! | 1.2346 | 0.06400 | 81 | 68 | 7 | 6 |
2477 | It’s fine for now, but what happens if he becomes famous and continues to whip his dick out in front of women? | 1.2346 | 0.06154 | 81 | 67 | 9 | 5 |
2478 | He's got the stage presence thing nailed. Imagine what he will be like when he learns words. | 1.2346 | 0.05898 | 81 | 66 | 11 | 4 |
2479 | Great Voice! Wait til he learns words. | 1.2346 | 0.05630 | 81 | 65 | 13 | 3 |
2480 | My platform is ice cream. | 1.2346 | 0.05898 | 81 | 66 | 11 | 4 |
2481 | Just think . . . We’ll be able to pay off the hospital bill! | 1.2346 | 0.05630 | 81 | 65 | 13 | 3 |
2482 | She’ll be stumping any day now. | 1.2346 | 0.05053 | 81 | 63 | 17 | 1 |
2483 | Isn't that wonderful. Tantrum of the Opera! | 1.2346 | 0.06154 | 81 | 67 | 9 | 5 |
2484 | Oh, Honey. His first podcast! | 1.2338 | 0.05195 | 77 | 60 | 16 | 1 |
2485 | Look, his first deposition! | 1.2338 | 0.05195 | 77 | 60 | 16 | 1 |
2486 | blah blah blah ! | 1.2338 | 0.05816 | 77 | 62 | 12 | 3 |
2487 | It worked! Michael's standing! | 1.2338 | 0.05514 | 77 | 61 | 14 | 2 |
2488 | Let's call Simon Cowell! | 1.2338 | 0.05195 | 77 | 60 | 16 | 1 |
2489 | Stand-up stand-up stand-up is what I'd call it. | 1.2338 | 0.05195 | 77 | 60 | 16 | 1 |
2490 | He gets his turn in the week 52 debates. | 1.2338 | 0.05195 | 77 | 60 | 16 | 1 |
2491 | Well, look at little Timmy. With a choice of ships and planes, he chose to be an aircraft controller. Now he's got a chance of getting into a decent nursery school! | 1.2333 | 0.04754 | 90 | 70 | 19 | 1 |
2492 | E-Trade baby, step aside! | 1.2329 | 0.06327 | 73 | 60 | 9 | 4 |
2493 | I'm so proud I don't even mind the sex jokes. | 1.2317 | 0.05291 | 82 | 65 | 15 | 2 |
2494 | His first words without cue cards! | 1.2317 | 0.04999 | 82 | 64 | 17 | 1 |
2495 | We shouldn't have named him Bieber. | 1.2317 | 0.05833 | 82 | 67 | 11 | 4 |
2496 | He's counting on his imaginary friends to fill up the stadium. | 1.2317 | 0.05833 | 82 | 67 | 11 | 4 |
2497 | Take my wipes - please! | 1.2317 | 0.05833 | 82 | 67 | 11 | 4 |
2498 | Isn't that wonderful, he's singing our song. | 1.2317 | 0.05291 | 82 | 65 | 15 | 2 |
2499 | Every day he sounds more like Donald Trump!! | 1.2317 | 0.05291 | 82 | 65 | 15 | 2 |
2500 | He doesn't realize the mic's not plugged in. | 1.2317 | 0.04999 | 82 | 64 | 17 | 1 |
2501 | Make My Bedroom Great Again | 1.2317 | 0.05569 | 82 | 66 | 13 | 3 |
2502 | Donny thinks it's the Truman balcony. | 1.2317 | 0.05569 | 82 | 66 | 13 | 3 |
2503 | Testing | 1.2317 | 0.05569 | 82 | 66 | 13 | 3 |
2504 | His podcast hit a million subscribers! I just wish I knew what he was saying. | 1.2317 | 0.05569 | 82 | 66 | 13 | 3 |
2505 | My next song is called “Waaaah”. | 1.2317 | 0.05291 | 82 | 65 | 15 | 2 |
2506 | Before I get started, I need a glass of water. How about a hand for Doris and John, who have supported me all these months not only with water when I needed it but also attention to my personal needs even when it wasn't always convenient for them? | 1.2317 | 0.05291 | 82 | 65 | 15 | 2 |
2507 | Thank god he ain’t singing country | 1.2317 | 0.05833 | 82 | 67 | 11 | 4 |
2508 | The Clark's kid can just stand - ours does stand up! | 1.2317 | 0.05291 | 82 | 65 | 15 | 2 |
2509 | He's got just as good a chance as the other contenders! | 1.2317 | 0.05291 | 82 | 65 | 15 | 2 |
2510 | You suck!...your thumb! | 1.2317 | 0.05833 | 82 | 67 | 11 | 4 |
2511 | Oh Fred, did he just say ‘huge’? | 1.2317 | 0.05569 | 82 | 66 | 13 | 3 |
2512 | Well, he does look like Billy Joel. | 1.2317 | 0.05833 | 82 | 67 | 11 | 4 |
2513 | Look darling – his first stand-up! | 1.2317 | 0.05833 | 82 | 67 | 11 | 4 |
2514 | I speak today for all of you who have no voice. | 1.2317 | 0.05291 | 82 | 65 | 15 | 2 |
2515 | Awww. He knows the words to Rapper's Delight. | 1.2317 | 0.05291 | 82 | 65 | 15 | 2 |
2516 | Oh Stanley, American Idol or a Presidential debate? | 1.2317 | 0.05291 | 82 | 65 | 15 | 2 |
2517 | See, all those Josh Groban CDs while pregnant are starting to pay off. | 1.2317 | 0.04999 | 82 | 64 | 17 | 1 |
2518 | Seven months and already standing up! | 1.2317 | 0.06086 | 82 | 68 | 9 | 5 |
2519 | And with the Response to the State of the Union address, we take you - live - over to little Timmy's crib... | 1.2317 | 0.05833 | 82 | 67 | 11 | 4 |
2520 | He’s stable AND a genius! | 1.2317 | 0.04999 | 82 | 64 | 17 | 1 |
2521 | Can you wish someone to “break a leg” before they can walk...? | 1.2317 | 0.05291 | 82 | 65 | 15 | 2 |
2522 | Gurgle. Globb. Burb." "Sweetheart Darling has found his own voice and is willing to share his unique perspective. I couldn't be more proud!" | 1.2317 | 0.05291 | 82 | 65 | 15 | 2 |
2523 | You know what they say… Walking by one, talk show by two! | 1.2317 | 0.05569 | 82 | 66 | 13 | 3 |
2524 | Oh cute....it’s open tike night! | 1.2317 | 0.05833 | 82 | 67 | 11 | 4 |
2525 | Look, he's practicing his secretary of Defense Speech. | 1.2317 | 0.05569 | 82 | 66 | 13 | 3 |
2526 | MOM: His agent says he’s got some real talent. DAD: (sigh) It’s a stuffed bear Elaine. | 1.2317 | 0.05833 | 82 | 67 | 11 | 4 |
2527 | See how easily he connects with his audience? | 1.2317 | 0.05833 | 82 | 67 | 11 | 4 |
2528 | You will believe a cradle can ROCK!!! | 1.2317 | 0.05833 | 82 | 67 | 11 | 4 |
2529 | He's ready for his first caption! | 1.2317 | 0.05569 | 82 | 66 | 13 | 3 |
2530 | The state of this nation is strong. | 1.2317 | 0.05291 | 82 | 65 | 15 | 2 |
2531 | First he learns stand up, next he'll want a sitcom | 1.2317 | 0.04999 | 82 | 64 | 17 | 1 |
2532 | I know now that I can fulfill my dweam of being Pwesident of the United States. | 1.2317 | 0.05291 | 82 | 65 | 15 | 2 |
2533 | You'd think his material would be fresher. | 1.2317 | 0.05291 | 82 | 65 | 15 | 2 |
2534 | Henry's so clever - first crawling, and now stand up! | 1.2317 | 0.05291 | 82 | 65 | 15 | 2 |
2535 | And we would have been happy if he only were a contestant! | 1.2317 | 0.06086 | 82 | 68 | 9 | 5 |
2536 | Just think - he’ll be on ABC before he can spell ABC!!! | 1.2317 | 0.05291 | 82 | 65 | 15 | 2 |
2537 | Perhaps You Tubing the C-section wasn't such a good idea. | 1.2317 | 0.05833 | 82 | 67 | 11 | 4 |
2538 | ...Ask not what your blankey can do for you. Ask what you can do for your blankey. | 1.2317 | 0.05833 | 82 | 67 | 11 | 4 |
2539 | I told you buying from Baby Björk was a bad idea. | 1.2317 | 0.05569 | 82 | 66 | 13 | 3 |
2540 | I love how he ends this set with, "Be My Baby." | 1.2317 | 0.05569 | 82 | 66 | 13 | 3 |
2541 | He’s very precocious. | 1.2317 | 0.05291 | 82 | 65 | 15 | 2 |
2542 | You'll have to come back later mom and dad, I'm still recording this week's podcast | 1.2317 | 0.05569 | 82 | 66 | 13 | 3 |
2543 | Trust me honey, that's how YouTubers are born. | 1.2317 | 0.04999 | 82 | 64 | 17 | 1 |
2544 | Honey, I think he’s ready for the preschool admissions board” | 1.2317 | 0.04999 | 82 | 64 | 17 | 1 |
2545 | Johnny just announced his candidacy! | 1.2317 | 0.05291 | 82 | 65 | 15 | 2 |
2546 | Remember, Bobby...no notes, be concise, 5 to 8 minutes! | 1.2317 | 0.05569 | 82 | 66 | 13 | 3 |
2547 | Oh honey, he’s already working on his campaign speech | 1.2317 | 0.04999 | 82 | 64 | 17 | 1 |
2548 | Look, honey...no teleprompter! | 1.2317 | 0.05291 | 82 | 65 | 15 | 2 |
2549 | Someone has to tell the president that broadcasts are NOT allowed during time outs. | 1.2317 | 0.05833 | 82 | 67 | 11 | 4 |
2550 | My fellow Americans, it’s time to pass the torch to a new generation. | 1.2317 | 0.05833 | 82 | 67 | 11 | 4 |
2551 | Welcome to my crib, I never use a bib, Mom and Dad watch me rap, you better stinkin' clap. | 1.2317 | 0.05291 | 82 | 65 | 15 | 2 |
2552 | Mom and Dad, I'll be here all night. | 1.2317 | 0.05833 | 82 | 67 | 11 | 4 |
2553 | He's standing up- and he's actually pretty good! | 1.2317 | 0.05569 | 82 | 66 | 13 | 3 |
2554 | C'mon. Mommy needs some YouTube views. | 1.2317 | 0.04688 | 82 | 63 | 19 | 0 |
2555 | It makes poo poo kaka sound more important, somehow. | 1.2317 | 0.05569 | 82 | 66 | 13 | 3 |
2556 | I can see it all now. A business empire, reality TV, and politics! | 1.2317 | 0.05833 | 82 | 67 | 11 | 4 |
2557 | He's sharing crib notes on his blog | 1.2317 | 0.05569 | 82 | 66 | 13 | 3 |
2558 | He's pretty good but sounds a little pitchy to me. | 1.2317 | 0.05291 | 82 | 65 | 15 | 2 |
2559 | The President wants her as his speechwriter. | 1.2317 | 0.05291 | 82 | 65 | 15 | 2 |
2560 | Our Donnie is so precocious,What do you think it means that he threw the little brown teddy under the crib? | 1.2317 | 0.04999 | 82 | 64 | 17 | 1 |
2561 | Let's see your sister's kids top this | 1.2317 | 0.05833 | 82 | 67 | 11 | 4 |
2562 | He’ll Evan have Less experience than Donald Trump ‼️ | 1.2317 | 0.05569 | 82 | 66 | 13 | 3 |
2563 | Get ready, folks - we’re gonna have a bawl! | 1.2317 | 0.05569 | 82 | 66 | 13 | 3 |
2564 | He knew his first words would be special. | 1.2317 | 0.05833 | 82 | 67 | 11 | 4 |
2565 | Did you hear? He said Mommy! | 1.2317 | 0.06562 | 82 | 70 | 5 | 7 |
2566 | The melodies are okay but the lyrics, wow! | 1.2317 | 0.05833 | 82 | 67 | 11 | 4 |
2567 | Oh honey, his first press conference! | 1.2317 | 0.05291 | 82 | 65 | 15 | 2 |
2568 | Look, George! He's talking without his teleprompter! | 1.2317 | 0.04999 | 82 | 64 | 17 | 1 |
2569 | Why is he singing "My Way?" | 1.2317 | 0.04999 | 82 | 64 | 17 | 1 |
2570 | Hope he plays some of his old stuff... | 1.2317 | 0.05569 | 82 | 66 | 13 | 3 |
2571 | Those music classes paid off! He'll get a full-ride! | 1.2317 | 0.05291 | 82 | 65 | 15 | 2 |
2572 | One and done!? | 1.2317 | 0.05569 | 82 | 66 | 13 | 3 |
2573 | Maybe he'll appoint you to one of the Cabinet positions. | 1.2317 | 0.05291 | 82 | 65 | 15 | 2 |
2574 | His Netflix special is going to make us rich! | 1.2317 | 0.04688 | 82 | 63 | 19 | 0 |
2575 | OMG, he's been watching Fox News! | 1.2317 | 0.05291 | 82 | 65 | 15 | 2 |
2576 | Don't worry honey, just think, in a few years we can retire. | 1.2317 | 0.06086 | 82 | 68 | 9 | 5 |
2577 | I told you my breast milk was the nectar of stars! | 1.2317 | 0.05569 | 82 | 66 | 13 | 3 |
2578 | I told you that he was conceived during America' Got Talent. | 1.2317 | 0.05569 | 82 | 66 | 13 | 3 |
2579 | Test, test...waa...waa waa....waa waa waa! | 1.2317 | 0.04688 | 82 | 63 | 19 | 0 |
2580 | It worked, he's finally standing! | 1.2317 | 0.06086 | 82 | 68 | 9 | 5 |
2581 | Oh, honey, did you hear that? He said bigliest! | 1.2317 | 0.05291 | 82 | 65 | 15 | 2 |
2582 | I really want to capture his first words. | 1.2317 | 0.05833 | 82 | 67 | 11 | 4 |
2583 | Look, no crib notes! | 1.2317 | 0.06328 | 82 | 69 | 7 | 6 |
2584 | jfjyt | 1.2317 | 0.05569 | 82 | 66 | 13 | 3 |
2585 | Shh! He’s about to speak. | 1.2317 | 0.05291 | 82 | 65 | 15 | 2 |
2586 | Is this crowd slow to warm or is it just me? | 1.2317 | 0.05833 | 82 | 67 | 11 | 4 |
2587 | Oh, he's getting so much practice performing in front of no one! | 1.2317 | 0.05833 | 82 | 67 | 11 | 4 |
2588 | Oh John, I always hoped we'd see him do stand up one day. | 1.2317 | 0.06328 | 82 | 69 | 7 | 6 |
2589 | his first word was China. | 1.2317 | 0.04999 | 82 | 64 | 17 | 1 |
2590 | Baby DESTROYS 1st Heckler | 1.2317 | 0.05569 | 82 | 66 | 13 | 3 |
2591 | Oh look honey, he does an impression of you that is hilarious! | 1.2317 | 0.04999 | 82 | 64 | 17 | 1 |
2592 | But I thought the sitter said it was the largest audience to ever witness an inauguration? | 1.2317 | 0.05569 | 82 | 66 | 13 | 3 |
2593 | He is going to be great in his audition tomorrow for preschool. | 1.2317 | 0.05833 | 82 | 67 | 11 | 4 |
2594 | I betcha Mary's kid can't recite the Magna Carta! | 1.2317 | 0.04688 | 82 | 63 | 19 | 0 |
2595 | See, I told you he was very presidential! | 1.2317 | 0.04688 | 82 | 63 | 19 | 0 |
2596 | He's Vlogging! | 1.2317 | 0.05569 | 82 | 66 | 13 | 3 |
2597 | Timmy's rendition of the Star Spangled Banner complete with tanks and military airplanes. | 1.2317 | 0.05569 | 82 | 66 | 13 | 3 |
2598 | Our baby wants to run for President !! | 1.2317 | 0.05569 | 82 | 66 | 13 | 3 |
2599 | Now he's just showing off | 1.2317 | 0.05291 | 82 | 65 | 15 | 2 |
2600 | Mr. Boo Bear really is a dependable opener. | 1.2317 | 0.05833 | 82 | 67 | 11 | 4 |
2601 | RIP Teddy Bear. Casualty of Narcissism. | 1.2317 | 0.05291 | 82 | 65 | 15 | 2 |
2602 | Just wait...he's bound to do something that can go viral. | 1.2317 | 0.05833 | 82 | 67 | 11 | 4 |
2603 | Honey! a million subscribers. I feel like the goose that laid the golden egg | 1.2317 | 0.06086 | 82 | 68 | 9 | 5 |
2604 | Can you believe he's already a dictator? | 1.2317 | 0.05833 | 82 | 67 | 11 | 4 |
2605 | He is so self-centered—definitely presidential timber. | 1.2317 | 0.06328 | 82 | 69 | 7 | 6 |
2606 | Honey! He learned self-deprecation! | 1.2317 | 0.05291 | 82 | 65 | 15 | 2 |
2607 | I'll be here til I'm thirty. | 1.2317 | 0.05569 | 82 | 66 | 13 | 3 |
2608 | Don't you think he has what it takes to president someday? | 1.2317 | 0.05291 | 82 | 65 | 15 | 2 |
2609 | This next one goes out to my diaper changers. | 1.2317 | 0.05569 | 82 | 66 | 13 | 3 |
2610 | His first address | 1.2317 | 0.05833 | 82 | 67 | 11 | 4 |
2611 | I think it was a smart move, going solo. His creative genius was being stifled. | 1.2317 | 0.05291 | 82 | 65 | 15 | 2 |
2612 | We better sign up an agent before he realizes we’re exploiting him. | 1.2308 | 0.06031 | 78 | 64 | 10 | 4 |
2613 | See, I told you Baby Charlie is the reincarnated Rodney Dangerfield! “Take my mama, please.” | 1.2308 | 0.05748 | 78 | 63 | 12 | 3 |
2614 | How thrilling! We have a contender in the primaries! | 1.2308 | 0.05451 | 78 | 62 | 14 | 2 |
2615 | Oh no! He's told his first lie! | 1.2308 | 0.05748 | 78 | 63 | 12 | 3 |
2616 | The trouble is he isn't talking yet. | 1.2297 | 0.05625 | 74 | 59 | 13 | 2 |
2617 | I just don't know if his 'Peek-a-Boo' routine will work with a larger audience. | 1.2295 | 0.07165 | 61 | 51 | 6 | 4 |
2618 | Oh honey, look, our baby is a Trump-style campaigner! | 1.2289 | 0.05235 | 83 | 66 | 15 | 2 |
2619 | I would like to welcome members of the press and my mom and dad | 1.2289 | 0.05508 | 83 | 67 | 13 | 3 |
2620 | Thank you for electing me as your child. The next four years will be full of ups and downs, but I promise it will all be worth it. | 1.2286 | 0.06163 | 70 | 57 | 10 | 3 |
2621 | That's right, son. Fuck 'em up. | 1.2286 | 0.06163 | 70 | 57 | 10 | 3 |
2622 | He's going to be President! | 1.2286 | 0.06163 | 70 | 57 | 10 | 3 |
2623 | He has a constituency only a mother could love. | 1.2278 | 0.05683 | 79 | 64 | 12 | 3 |
2624 | Technology sure has improved many aspects of life but boy did it make Colic worse. | 1.2278 | 0.05390 | 79 | 63 | 14 | 2 |
2625 | There's not a mountain near the edge of his hand, is there? | 1.2278 | 0.05961 | 79 | 65 | 10 | 4 |
2626 | Oh hon, I can't wait to hear his first speech! | 1.2278 | 0.05390 | 79 | 63 | 14 | 2 |
2627 | Oh, look! Potty training and potty mouth all in one day! | 1.2278 | 0.05683 | 79 | 64 | 12 | 3 |
2628 | I think he’s ready to join the 2020 Presidential race! | 1.2278 | 0.05390 | 79 | 63 | 14 | 2 |
2629 | They were out of baby monitors. | 1.2278 | 0.05961 | 79 | 65 | 10 | 4 |
2630 | Well, at least he isn’t talking back to us! | 1.2278 | 0.05683 | 79 | 64 | 12 | 3 |
2631 | Look, he's practicing to be on Fox News. | 1.2278 | 0.06228 | 79 | 66 | 8 | 5 |
2632 | I'm here all week--don't forget to tip your parents. | 1.2278 | 0.05390 | 79 | 63 | 14 | 2 |
2633 | You see Ralph, naming him Don Rickles Peterson was actually prescient. | 1.2278 | 0.05390 | 79 | 63 | 14 | 2 |
2634 | Our little standup comedian. It is a shame we still can't understand him. | 1.2278 | 0.05079 | 79 | 62 | 16 | 1 |
2635 | Don’t get too excited Mom; Teddy is the real brains behind this operation. | 1.2278 | 0.05683 | 79 | 64 | 12 | 3 |
2636 | At this rate he'll make the Primaries. | 1.2278 | 0.05079 | 79 | 62 | 16 | 1 |
2637 | I love it when he plays Commander in Chief! | 1.2278 | 0.05961 | 79 | 65 | 10 | 4 |
2638 | Oh, Honey, from standing up to standup in one month! | 1.2278 | 0.05079 | 79 | 62 | 16 | 1 |
2639 | In politics, If you want anything said, ask a man. If you want anything done, ask an infant | 1.2278 | 0.05079 | 79 | 62 | 16 | 1 |
2640 | I will now sing "rock a bye baby." | 1.2278 | 0.05079 | 79 | 62 | 16 | 1 |
2641 | He has all the attributes. Let's hope he doesn't mature | 1.2278 | 0.05683 | 79 | 64 | 12 | 3 |
2642 | WOW, OUR LITTLE MONSTER SOUNDS JUST LIKE ELVIS | 1.2278 | 0.05390 | 79 | 63 | 14 | 2 |
2643 | Those prenatal oratory tapes worked! | 1.2278 | 0.05961 | 79 | 65 | 10 | 4 |
2644 | He’s just as good as Trump, maybe better! | 1.2278 | 0.05961 | 79 | 65 | 10 | 4 |
2645 | Last year Caesarean section, next year...Caesar’s Palace! | 1.2278 | 0.05683 | 79 | 64 | 12 | 3 |
2646 | And just think, he'll fit the network's demographic! | 1.2267 | 0.06173 | 75 | 62 | 9 | 4 |
2647 | Listen! He's defending the Saudi Crown Prince again. | 1.2267 | 0.06173 | 75 | 62 | 9 | 4 |
2648 | If the “2’s” are terrible then I don’t know what to make of this | 1.2258 | 0.06264 | 62 | 50 | 10 | 2 |
2649 | He can already count to four score. | 1.2254 | 0.05382 | 71 | 56 | 14 | 1 |
2650 | That settles it, I'm having another freebirth. | 1.2254 | 0.06406 | 71 | 59 | 8 | 4 |
2651 | And that’s all for tonight folks!! | 1.2254 | 0.06406 | 71 | 59 | 8 | 4 |
2652 | At Minute 23:17 Your wailing was convincing. We’re here! | 1.2250 | 0.05329 | 80 | 64 | 14 | 2 |
2653 | I told you playing all those presidential speeches during my pregnancy would give him a head start. | 1.2250 | 0.05024 | 80 | 63 | 16 | 1 |
2654 | Honey! His first filibuster! | 1.2250 | 0.05024 | 80 | 63 | 16 | 1 |
2655 | Let's just hope THIS president is not his only inspiration | 1.2250 | 0.05024 | 80 | 63 | 16 | 1 |
2656 | I'm so proud! Only 3998 separate donors to go to get him on the next Democratic Debate Stage! | 1.2250 | 0.05024 | 80 | 63 | 16 | 1 |
2657 | I thought it meant something else when we read he’d go from crawling to stand-up | 1.2250 | 0.05024 | 80 | 63 | 16 | 1 |
2658 | Air traffic control, or the Tonight Show, dear? | 1.2250 | 0.05618 | 80 | 65 | 12 | 3 |
2659 | He promised a wall,tariffs and a comb - over in every drive way. America will be great again. | 1.2250 | 0.05893 | 80 | 66 | 10 | 4 |
2660 | It wasn't fake news! There is a man overboard. | 1.2250 | 0.05618 | 80 | 65 | 12 | 3 |
2661 | Awww. He's going to make daycare great again! | 1.2250 | 0.05893 | 80 | 66 | 10 | 4 |
2662 | And so, my fellow Americans, I announce today that I will seek the nomination of the Democratic Party to serve as your next president! | 1.2250 | 0.06408 | 80 | 68 | 6 | 6 |
2663 | Tonight it’s drinks on the house! | 1.2250 | 0.05329 | 80 | 64 | 14 | 2 |
2664 | He's trying out new material. | 1.2250 | 0.04698 | 80 | 62 | 18 | 0 |
2665 | Heeeeee-res JUNIOR! | 1.2250 | 0.05329 | 80 | 64 | 14 | 2 |
2666 | He can't talk, but he already has over a million followers! | 1.2250 | 0.05893 | 80 | 66 | 10 | 4 |
2667 | I can’t wait to bring him to his first karaoke night. He’ll crush the competition. | 1.2250 | 0.05329 | 80 | 64 | 14 | 2 |
2668 | And he’s already mastered stand-up! | 1.2250 | 0.05329 | 80 | 64 | 14 | 2 |
2669 | OMG! This is my favorite song! | 1.2250 | 0.05024 | 80 | 63 | 16 | 1 |
2670 | He has his first five minutes! | 1.2250 | 0.05329 | 80 | 64 | 14 | 2 |
2671 | They tested him and he is now as smart as Hannity! | 1.2250 | 0.05618 | 80 | 65 | 12 | 3 |
2672 | Look Harry! Our son is a mini Walter Cronkite! | 1.2250 | 0.05329 | 80 | 64 | 14 | 2 |
2673 | His first words - a shout-out to his mother! | 1.2250 | 0.05329 | 80 | 64 | 14 | 2 |
2674 | Do you think he should have an agent or just put him on Utube? | 1.2250 | 0.05329 | 80 | 64 | 14 | 2 |
2675 | Oh, look, he's already got his political agenda ready for day-care. | 1.2250 | 0.06156 | 80 | 67 | 8 | 5 |
2676 | You know what I wish? That I never looked into a diaper genie in the first place! | 1.2250 | 0.05618 | 80 | 65 | 12 | 3 |
2677 | Look, Honey, he's running for the Democratic nomination. | 1.2250 | 0.05024 | 80 | 63 | 16 | 1 |
2678 | Look, honey! He's stand-upping! | 1.2250 | 0.05618 | 80 | 65 | 12 | 3 |
2679 | Do you think the other children will understand his stance on gerrymandering? | 1.2250 | 0.05024 | 80 | 63 | 16 | 1 |
2680 | For my next song which I wrote while in the womb." | 1.2250 | 0.05329 | 80 | 64 | 14 | 2 |
2681 | I told you he was too young to watch 'The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel'" | 1.2250 | 0.06156 | 80 | 67 | 8 | 5 |
2682 | We should probably also teach him how to apologize. | 1.2250 | 0.05618 | 80 | 65 | 12 | 3 |
2683 | ...and free college for all! | 1.2250 | 0.05618 | 80 | 65 | 12 | 3 |
2684 | The sleep consultant said to just let him talk it out. | 1.2250 | 0.05618 | 80 | 65 | 12 | 3 |
2685 | Now here's one of my longtime favorites, and I hope it's one of yours. | 1.2241 | 0.06976 | 58 | 48 | 7 | 3 |
2686 | Pitch perfect! | 1.2237 | 0.05493 | 76 | 61 | 13 | 2 |
2687 | Netflix wants to buy three episodes! | 1.2237 | 0.05164 | 76 | 60 | 15 | 1 |
2688 | Awww, his first pivot! | 1.2235 | 0.04844 | 85 | 67 | 17 | 1 |
2689 | I told you those Sinatra records would pay off. | 1.2222 | 0.05556 | 81 | 66 | 12 | 3 |
2690 | Oh, listen John! He IS going to be a bingo caller! | 1.2222 | 0.05827 | 81 | 67 | 10 | 4 |
2691 | Aren't you proud? He's singing for his supper! | 1.2222 | 0.05270 | 81 | 65 | 14 | 2 |
2692 | I still can’t believe that his first words were “ I gotta sing.” | 1.2222 | 0.07313 | 63 | 54 | 4 | 5 |
2693 | Laugh, dear. Or next it will be podcasting. | 1.2222 | 0.05270 | 81 | 65 | 14 | 2 |
2694 | His dirty diaper material is excellent. | 1.2208 | 0.05429 | 77 | 62 | 13 | 2 |
2695 | I can barely understand the lyrics. | 1.2208 | 0.05735 | 77 | 63 | 11 | 3 |
2696 | Ask not what my parents can do for me, but what I can do for my parents. | 1.2208 | 0.05735 | 77 | 63 | 11 | 3 |
2697 | I just love his PG-13 months stand-up routine! | 1.2208 | 0.05735 | 77 | 63 | 11 | 3 |
2698 | Thank you very much, I'll be here all night. | 1.2208 | 0.06026 | 77 | 64 | 9 | 4 |
2699 | How cute. He's practicing for the 2054 Democratic debates. | 1.2208 | 0.05735 | 77 | 63 | 11 | 3 |
2700 | He already has six subscribers to his podcast! | 1.2208 | 0.05104 | 77 | 61 | 15 | 1 |
2701 | Yes, I’ll be here all week | 1.2208 | 0.05429 | 77 | 62 | 13 | 2 |
2702 | He's starting his own "Nursery Party" for 2020. | 1.2208 | 0.04758 | 77 | 60 | 17 | 0 |
2703 | Doe, a deer. A female deer. Ray, a drop of golden Sun. | 1.2208 | 0.05429 | 77 | 62 | 13 | 2 |
2704 | If he won’t sleep, he may as well work on his late-nite show hosting skills... | 1.2208 | 0.05104 | 77 | 61 | 15 | 1 |
2705 | Oh honey, he’s throwing his teddy bear into the ring | 1.2208 | 0.05429 | 77 | 62 | 13 | 2 |
2706 | I wonder what his first words will be? | 1.2208 | 0.05735 | 77 | 63 | 11 | 3 |
2707 | What a rock star! He already knows the four-letter words. | 1.2208 | 0.05735 | 77 | 63 | 11 | 3 |
2708 | Look, honey! He's already reporting fake news at a 10th grade level. | 1.2208 | 0.05429 | 77 | 62 | 13 | 2 |
2709 | If we neuter him now he'll never lose that pitch. | 1.2208 | 0.05735 | 77 | 63 | 11 | 3 |
2710 | Ooh,look, our little President! | 1.2208 | 0.06026 | 77 | 64 | 9 | 4 |
2711 | Sing the one about pooping!” | 1.2208 | 0.05104 | 77 | 61 | 15 | 1 |
2712 | Shhh, he's rehearsing his speech for the United Nations Climate Change Summit. | 1.2208 | 0.05429 | 77 | 62 | 13 | 2 |
2713 | I think he'd find it easier with a lapel mic. | 1.2208 | 0.05429 | 77 | 62 | 13 | 2 |
2714 | Vaccinating would have ruined his delivery! | 1.2208 | 0.05735 | 77 | 63 | 11 | 3 |
2715 | He's declaring for the Democratic nomination. | 1.2208 | 0.05429 | 77 | 62 | 13 | 2 |
2716 | Pete Buttigiegs Presidential Campaign announcement | 1.2208 | 0.05735 | 77 | 63 | 11 | 3 |