Contest #669


Cartoon

669

The winning captions

These captions are chosen by The New Yorker.

  1. “I love his bedtime routine.”
  2. “He sounds so much better live than on the baby monitor.”
  3. “Now we just need to neglect him so he'll have lots of material.”


Name Value
Submission deadline 2019-07-07T21:07:00.000Z
Voting started -
Voting ended 2019-07-28T21:10:00.000Z
Finalists announced 2019-07-22T21:09:00.000Z
Magazine(s) announcing finalists issued July 29, 2019
Number of captions 5931
Number of responses 703078
Number of participants -


Dashboard

In this table, the "mean" means the empirically measured average funniness score when the "unfunny", "somewhat funny" and "funny" receive a funniness score of 1, 2, 3 respectively. "Precison" is the standard error of the mean, the standard deviation of the mean estimate. With that, a caption with an empirical mean μ and precision σ has true mean in the range [μ - 2σ, μ + 2σ] with 95% probability by the 68-95-99.7 rule assuming the responses are indepedent and identically distributed.

Rank Caption Mean Precision Total votes "Unfunny" votes "Somewhat funny" votes "Funny" votes
0 He went right from crawling to stand-up! 2.2059 0.00766 9057 1677 3843 3537
1 Thanks, you've been a great audience, I'll be awake all night. 2.0819 0.00830 8624 2253 3418 2953
2 My next guests I have known my entire life. 2.0427 0.00896 7145 1929 2993 2223
3 Look, honey! He skipped crawling and went straight to stand-up! 2.0258 0.00884 7089 1881 3146 2062
4 I'd like to start off by saying—thanks for having me, folks! 1.9831 0.00873 7636 2298 3174 2164
5 America, are you ready for a change? I know I am 1.9699 0.01081 5706 1992 1894 1820
6 Let's have a hand for the folks who made this all possible. 1.9590 0.01676 2071 646 864 561
7 Thank you, thank you. Don't miss my next show, at 2 AM. 1.9528 0.01038 5320 1657 2257 1406
8 ... and also big thanks to those tuning in on the baby monitor. 1.9289 0.00906 6859 2203 2946 1710
9 My next number will be a Number Two. 1.9196 0.01015 6368 2368 2145 1855
10 Thank you! I’ll be back at 1am, 3am, and 5am! 1.8897 0.01182 3970 1344 1720 906
11 He's the only candidate actually calling for a change 1.8740 0.01163 4517 1701 1684 1132
12 I love his bedtime routine. 1.8601 0.01151 4466 1676 1739 1051
13 'Thanks, you're a great audience and I'll be here all week and at least until my mid-thirties." 1.8525 0.01740 1973 756 752 465
14 Look! He's speaking without crib notes! 1.8300 0.01127 4646 1833 1770 1043
15 He went from crawling to stand-up overnight! 1.8138 0.01310 3367 1345 1304 718
16 He's got a million listeners and an eight-word vocabulary. FOX News is offering his own series. 1.7996 0.01367 3553 1607 1051 895
17 Now we just need to neglect him so he'll have lots of material. 1.7965 0.01488 2722 1153 970 599
18 I'd like to thank my producers... 1.7856 0.01335 3265 1374 1217 674
19 And another thing. Why do people say, “Last night I slept like a baby”? I guess that’s fine if they woke up screaming and peed the bed. Heh heh...You guys are great. I’m here all week! 1.7430 0.01233 3844 1744 1344 756
20 How about a nice round of applause for the couple that lives down the hall. 1.7413 0.01111 4383 1908 1705 770
21 Listen, dear, he's learned all the words he needs to be President. 1.7283 0.01234 4067 1966 1242 859
22 Maybe we should have played Mozart instead of Sinatra. 1.7254 0.01468 2618 1196 945 477
23 The time for a change is now! 1.7189 0.01439 2768 1291 964 513
24 He’s really been working on his bedtime routine. 1.7009 0.01201 3614 1651 1396 567
25 And now, for the two people who made it all possible... 1.6837 0.01486 2254 1030 907 317
26 Did you hear the one about the dirty diaper? Never mind, it stinks. 1.6833 0.01394 2839 1382 977 480
27 Well he can't be any less qualified than our current President. 1.6742 0.01443 2848 1459 858 531
28 And none of this would have been possible without two very special people. 1.6701 0.02266 970 454 382 134
29 I see we have our two regulars here for the late show. 1.6685 0.01409 2582 1264 923 395
30 So a thumb-sucker and a bed-wetter walk into a bar... 1.6618 0.01617 2070 1033 706 331
31 Look Honey, he's already more articulate than Trump. 1.6551 0.01495 2647 1397 766 484
32 Incomplete sentences. Limited vocabulary. Slurred words. Ill-fitting clothes. The military as props in the background. An inauguration-sized crowd. Honey, I think someday our Joey could be the president! 1.6512 0.01613 2302 1243 624 435
33 I told you Jerry Seinfeld was a great choice for a sperm donor! 1.6442 0.01700 2007 1066 589 352
34 Take my brother. Please. 1.6388 0.02168 1196 630 368 198
35 The fake microphone’s a stroke of genius. He’s stopped tweeting! 1.6277 0.02089 1351 743 368 240
36 When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother. 1.6203 0.01953 1583 892 400 291
37 See I told you he did stand up! 1.6080 0.02081 1171 616 398 157
38 Look, he's doing stand up. 1.5996 0.01875 1451 779 475 197
39 And he's not even using crib notes! 1.5986 0.01914 1450 795 443 212
40 And for my second word... 1.5855 0.02022 1204 649 405 150
41 Look, honey. He's not even using crib notes! 1.5841 0.02019 1219 674 383 162
42 He's speaking nonsense! We might be the parents of a future president. 1.5838 0.02135 1223 701 330 192
43 Heeeeeere’s Mommy! 1.5809 0.02603 742 407 239 96
44 Sooo, have you heard the one about the two people who thought I was sleeping? 1.5760 0.02149 1066 584 350 132
45 He just started crawling, but this is his first stand up! 1.5732 0.02219 1052 595 312 145
46 Thank you all for coming! My next set is at 3:17 AM. 1.5714 0.02205 1022 569 323 130
47 I’m here all week, and well into my 30s. 1.5713 0.02297 1024 590 283 151
48 Look at him honey - the small hands, the tantrums, the hair, the impulsive behavior. Plus he can't read and never makes sense when he tries to talk. I know it's a crowded field but I really think he can win. 1.5706 0.02405 1027 620 228 179
49 I'm thinking of a number between 1 and 2... Can you smell what it is? 1.5704 0.02319 1015 596 262 157
50 He skipped crawling and went right to stand-up! 1.5692 0.03157 513 289 156 68
51 He says it’s time for a change. 1.5685 0.02378 927 529 269 129
52 I can't wait until we can actually understand what he is saying. 1.5624 0.02321 905 505 291 109
53 See? He already deported the bear. 1.5563 0.02541 852 507 216 129
54 Add public speaking to the preschool application. 1.5543 0.02487 819 471 242 106
55 Let me start by saying its been a great year so far. 1.5464 0.02521 754 429 238 87
56 Look Honey, He's doing Stand Up! 1.5427 0.02609 726 421 216 89
57 He’ll mention us, Frank, after he thanks his sponsors. 1.5423 0.02608 721 417 217 87
58 His bedtime routine gets me every time. 1.5420 0.02649 714 417 207 90
59 I know words. I have the best words. 1.5419 0.02870 657 397 164 96
60 I'd like to thank my Mom and Dad, who are here tonight. 1.5404 0.02614 705 406 217 82
61 Check, check. Is this thing on? Can someone please hand me my bear? 1.5390 0.02968 551 319 167 65
62 The doctor says his sense of timing is in the ninety-ninth percentile. 1.5380 0.02753 671 397 187 87
63 I prefer his earlier stuff. 1.5351 0.02743 656 385 191 80
64 He’s running for President. They want a candidate with nothing embarrassing in his background. 1.5328 0.02830 655 396 169 90
65 Eighteen months of pee-pee jokes. Now, finally, some dry humor. 1.5326 0.02729 644 375 195 74
66 ...and a round of applause for my parents, who came all the way from the living room for tonight's show. 1.5326 0.02526 644 363 223 58
67 Look, honey, he's playing his first room! 1.5324 0.03052 479 271 161 47
68 He went straight from crawling to standup! 1.5314 0.02753 653 386 187 80
69 He really nailed his first TEDDY Talk. 1.5313 0.02783 638 382 175 81
70 Oh, look, Fred. Our little Donald just said his first lie! 1.5313 0.02938 638 395 147 96
71 I'm here to announce I too am running. And shortly, I also expect to be walking, 1.5290 0.02788 603 350 187 66
72 I’d like to dedicate this one called “Screaming at the top of my lungs” to my mom and dad. 1.5288 0.02824 626 373 175 78
73 The pediatrician said it's perfectly normal if he bombs on the first night. 1.5272 0.03117 514 307 143 64
74 And he just speaks off the cuff, with no crib sheets! 1.5225 0.02867 578 341 172 65
75 Look -- he's giving his first Teddy talk! 1.5224 0.02932 580 349 159 72
76 I guess the bear will think twice before heckling him again. 1.5204 0.02884 565 333 170 62
77 At six months he makes more sense than the Mother Fucker Trump. NOTE: I'm sure I won't win with this one but at least I feel better. PB 1.5203 0.03253 567 371 97 99
78 ...and I would like to be the second baby to occupy the Oval Office. 1.5203 0.03116 567 357 125 85
79 Do you think the White House will notice he’s gone? 1.5194 0.03091 568 356 129 83
80 I’m not president yet but, “I am full of shit” 1.5189 0.03138 557 351 123 83
81 I'm the greatest baby! Believe me, no baby is greater than me! 1.5183 0.03042 546 335 140 71
82 A funny thing happened to me on the way through the cervix. 1.5172 0.03046 522 323 132 67
83 My next guests need no introduction. 1.5169 0.02855 561 329 174 58
84 The limited vocabulary, infantile world view and lack of experience are considered assets by his base. 1.5139 0.03069 541 333 138 70
85 I'll be right back after a short nap. 1.5129 0.02989 503 295 158 50
86 Let’s see who his guests are first before we say anything. 1.5116 0.03036 516 310 148 58
87 His humor is a bit infantile. 1.5089 0.03050 507 305 146 56
88 No, I do not have a dirty diaper. Never had. FAKE NEWS! 1.5087 0.03188 517 325 121 71
89 Oh look, honey! He's declaring for the Democratic presidential nomination! 1.5071 0.03330 491 314 105 72
90 I believe we have a movement here and its time for a change" 1.5032 0.03324 475 301 109 65
91 I just got in from Pittsburgh and boy are my hands and knees tired. 1.5032 0.03159 475 294 125 56
92 And don't get me started on parents. 1.5030 0.02984 495 293 155 47
93 Hush, here comes the part of the acceptance speech where he thanks his mother. 1.5023 0.03272 430 259 126 45
94 I'm so glad we weaned him off the teleprompter. 1.5021 0.03116 484 294 137 53
95 Thank you all for coming. I'm happy to say that today I'm six months off the bottle. 1.4988 0.03406 407 249 113 45
96 He's already making more sense than Trump. 1.4979 0.03429 468 305 93 70
97 Look he's already doing stand up. 1.4978 0.03112 464 279 139 46
98 Ah, and here they are now. Ladies and Gentlemen, please give a warm welcome to My Parents. 1.4932 0.03126 442 264 138 40
99 I'm so glad we did Improv classes instead of Lamaze. 1.4920 0.03298 437 271 117 49
100 He sounds so much better live than on the baby monitor. 1.4920 0.03234 437 267 125 45
101 This is Eric reporting live from under the mobile. 1.4920 0.03111 435 258 140 37
102 For my next number ...two! 1.4908 0.03327 436 275 109 52
103 All those TED talks I attended while I was pregnant are finally paying off! 1.4896 0.03247 433 268 119 46
104 Wait 'til I tell Madge Schwartz. Her baby only does calculus. 1.4895 0.02982 427 263 126 38
105 I knew we shouldn’t have let her watch the debates. 1.4883 0.03397 428 271 105 52
106 And for my next cry, I dedicate it to the couple who agree with me that I am the center of the universe. 1.4870 0.03328 423 263 114 46
107 Oh George! He’s announcing his entry into the Democratic primary! 1.4869 0.03423 421 267 103 51
108 Can you believe he's already speaking at a presidential level? 1.4869 0.03553 421 275 87 59
109 And I said, ‘What stinks more? The economy, or my diaper?’ 1.4869 0.03402 419 264 106 49
110 Sure it’s narcissistic gibberish....our baby could be President some day! 1.4853 0.03470 408 259 100 49
111 I love his humor. He's so self-defacating! 1.4853 0.03400 408 255 108 45
112 And why is it called a mobile, anyway? It never goes anyplace. Amiright? 1.4831 0.03166 414 248 132 34
113 He's filibustering to avoid taking a nap. 1.4827 0.03406 404 253 107 44
114 It's mostly toilet humor, but that's how everyone starts. 1.4827 0.03296 404 247 119 38
115 Oh, Fred. His first word! "Covfefe!" 1.4826 0.03595 402 262 86 54
116 Listening to George Carlin in utero worked. He got all seven words correct. 1.4823 0.03456 396 249 103 44
117 A teddy bear walks into a bar ... 1.4810 0.03369 395 244 112 39
118 And now a brief message from the people who made all this possible. 1.4806 0.03319 387 235 118 34
119 And here they are now! How about a little love for my producers! 1.4805 0.03352 385 235 115 35
120 And here's.............Mommy!" 1.4798 0.03362 396 245 112 39
121 I would now like to thank my parents, without whom none of this would be possible. 1.4796 0.03329 392 240 116 36
122 So, are you two a couple? 1.4784 0.03634 370 237 89 44
123 I know it's gibberish, but his foreign policy still makes more sense the president. 1.4784 0.03549 393 253 92 48
124 Oh Honey, he's about to tell his first lie! 1.4769 0.03624 390 255 84 51
125 Finally, a candidate who appeals to younger voters! 1.4764 0.03390 382 236 110 36
126 His first words - “Is this thing on?” 1.4745 0.03448 373 232 105 36
127 And breast-feeding....what's up with that 1.4743 0.03538 369 233 97 39
128 It’s so cute seeing him rally his imaginary base. 1.4730 0.03572 370 236 93 41
129 He's demanding tanks, Blue Angel flyovers, and a fresh bottle. 1.4699 0.03640 349 222 90 37
130 So a baby walks into a bar and the bartender says, we don't serve babies. So the baby says, I was just looking for a bottle! 1.4699 0.03595 349 220 94 35
131 He looks so presidential! 1.4689 0.03733 354 231 80 43
132 And now, let's welcome two people I've known forever. 1.4688 0.03639 352 225 89 38
133 So sweet that his first words were "Is this mic on? 1.4676 0.03572 355 225 94 36
134 ...and lastly, I'd like to thank my egg donor, my sperm donor and my gestational mother. I love you all. 1.4670 0.03662 349 224 87 38
135 Did you hear that? His first joke was about Mom" 1.4657 0.03313 350 228 88 34
136 I wish he would call us Mom and Dad, not "a lovely audience." 1.4653 0.03593 346 219 93 34
137 Look, he's speaking without a teleprompter! 1.4647 0.03686 340 218 86 36
138 This way we won’t miss his first words! 1.4622 0.03512 344 215 99 30
139 Let's not tell him he has only two followers. 1.4622 0.03287 344 206 117 21
140 Do you think we're taking his 'first words' moment too far? 1.4608 0.03701 332 213 85 34
141 I love his new bedtime routine! 1.4606 0.03460 330 202 104 24
142 Just had a big dinner and boy am I pooped 1.4595 0.03618 333 211 91 31
143 Testing. Testing. One. Two. Um, five? 1.4595 0.03630 333 219 78 36
144 Next thing you know, he'll be lying to the press. 1.4592 0.03658 331 211 88 32
145 The book did say this is when he'd start working on his speech! 1.4582 0.03749 323 208 82 33
146 For example, take my parents.... please! 1.4582 0.03658 323 212 77 34
147 Oh honey, he has your need for attention! 1.4573 0.03631 328 208 90 30
148 Thanks! I'll be up again every hour for the next three nights! 1.4560 0.03738 318 204 83 31
149 Look, honey. He just said his first alternative fact! 1.4548 0.03889 310 203 73 34
150 Now if he could only learn to talk! 1.4548 0.03916 310 204 71 35
151 Don’t stop him. He makes more from his YouTube channel that you do. 1.4548 0.03765 321 208 80 33
152 I think it’s best if we just let him filibuster himself to sleep. 1.4545 0.03782 319 207 79 33
153 Sure, free toys for everyone sounds good, but how do we pay for them? 1.4545 0.03676 319 203 87 29
154 First, I'd like to thank my Mom and Dad, without whom I wouldn't be here today. 1.4537 0.03887 313 206 72 35
155 His nanny-cam was picked up by Netflix! 1.4537 0.03586 313 195 94 24
156 And now "Memories," the short version. 1.4534 0.03798 311 201 79 31
157 The state of the nursery is strong. 1.4528 0.03806 307 198 79 30
158 I was in the womb the other day, minding my own business, when boom this masked man starts spanking me. I get no respect... 1.4525 0.03807 316 206 77 33
159 I'm here all week, try the breast milk. 1.4516 0.04046 310 210 60 40
160 Honey, I think he just told his first lie! 1.4515 0.03965 299 197 69 33
161 Who knew standing up was the hardest part of comedy? 1.4510 0.03786 306 197 80 29
162 I told you singing to him when I was pregnant would pay off. 1.4510 0.03757 306 196 82 28
163 What’s the deal with pull-ups? I mean c’mon, people. Are they diapers? Are they plastic briefs?” 1.4510 0.03842 306 199 76 31
164 He's bound to be president, he's already behind bars...! 1.4507 0.03860 304 198 75 31
165 I promise you, a change is coming. 1.4498 0.03814 309 201 77 31
166 Listen to all that babbling. He’s nearly ready to run for office. 1.4495 0.03915 307 203 70 34
167 He's fired his teddy bear! 1.4495 0.03776 307 198 80 29
168 I'm so proud! He did all that without crib notes! 1.4485 0.03622 301 188 91 22
169 I have decided to seek the Democratic nomination for president 1.4485 0.03944 301 199 69 33
170 Seems like just yesterday he was doing sit-up. 1.4485 0.03772 301 193 81 27
171 Oh Honey! He just told his first lie! 1.4478 0.03896 297 194 73 30
172 So whats the deal with parents? 1.4474 0.03566 304 189 94 21
173 His stand-up routine is so much better now that he can actually stand up. 1.4474 0.03773 304 196 80 28
174 Sure, he does a lot of poop jokes. But he's so AUTHENTIC! 1.4474 0.03745 304 195 82 27
175 Surely he’ll be walking soon. He’s already mastered stand up. 1.4470 0.03703 302 192 85 25
176 He's so at ease at the mic. No crib notes. 1.4464 0.03906 280 180 75 25
177 The store was out of baby monitors, so I improvised. 1.4463 0.03768 298 191 81 26
178 Take my diaper... please. 1.4459 0.03905 296 194 72 30
179 Covfefe 1.4456 0.04012 294 196 65 33
180 Mom, Dad? I'm gay. 1.4456 0.04182 294 202 53 39
181 Stop me if you've heard the one about the baby and the helicopter parents. 1.4448 0.03778 290 185 81 24
182 Oh listen, honey, he’s telling his first lie. 1.4444 0.03980 279 182 70 27
183 I'm just worried he'll never be able to support himself. 1.4444 0.03806 297 192 78 27
184 I just flew in from DC and I'm literally pooped. 1.4444 0.03806 297 192 78 27
185 Good evening, children. Welcome to another chilling episode of 'Tales from the Crib. 1.4429 0.03942 289 190 70 29
186 And he's just what Biden needs to counter the age thing! 1.4425 0.03930 287 188 71 28
187 Well, except for saying George Washington captured airports, that was brilliant. 1.4409 0.04043 279 190 57 32
188 He’s got your misguided confidence. 1.4409 0.04011 279 184 67 28
189 So I says, 'Diaper? I hardly know her!' 1.4406 0.03715 286 181 84 21
190 Oh Howard, let’s stay for another set. 1.4406 0.03829 286 187 73 26
191 It was a tremendous nap. The most tremendous nap. Any other nap is a loser. 1.4406 0.04092 286 193 60 33
192 Isn't he hysterical?" "I'm just glad he's grown out of his Lenny Bruce phase. 1.4391 0.04028 271 178 67 26
193 This is his biggest gig since the ultrasound. 1.4391 0.03960 271 176 71 24
194 Do you think he's deranged or just precocious? 1.4391 0.04062 271 179 65 27
195 Oh, honey, can you believe it? He's speaking without his teleprompter! 1.4384 0.04008 276 182 67 27
196 I felt like the baby monitor was keeping him from his full potential. 1.4359 0.03903 273 177 73 23
197 Jane's daughter didn't start her podcast until she was 2! 1.4356 0.03924 264 170 73 21
198 ...and what’s with diaper rashes? They put a man on the moon and they can’t stop diaper rash? Really??? 1.4354 0.03817 271 173 78 20
199 One baby step for me, one flying leap for my bear. 1.4343 0.04222 274 188 53 33
200 Thank you, I'm here all this week - try the breast milk. 1.4338 0.04015 272 180 66 26
201 I have a few first words. 1.4323 0.03973 266 174 69 23
202 Today, I announce my candidacy for President of the United States. 1.4323 0.04249 266 182 53 31
203 For my first and next fifty songs, I will be singing "Baby Shark." 1.4322 0.04103 273 184 60 29
204 With the eyes of the nation upon me, I would like to announce that I have wet myself. 1.4318 0.04171 264 178 58 28
205 Finally a Democratic candidate who can go head to head with Trump on his level. 1.4318 0.04171 264 178 58 28
206 And diaper rash, what’s up with that? 1.4302 0.03799 265 169 78 18
207 Wait! You gotta hear him do his impression of you. 1.4297 0.03923 249 159 73 17
208 It used to seem like gibberish, but these days it sounds presidential. 1.4297 0.04427 249 172 47 30
209 You’re both fired! 1.4297 0.04240 249 167 57 25
210 He's starting to campaign for 2056 1.4297 0.04084 249 163 65 21
211 He's going to make infancy great again! 1.4297 0.04163 249 165 61 23
212 Why can't we just have a baby monitor like other new parents? 1.4297 0.04004 263 173 67 23
213 He’s come a long way from writing jokes for other babies. 1.4297 0.03856 263 169 75 19
214 And then he said, "Is that a dirty diaper or did dad make lunch again?" 1.4286 0.04298 259 178 51 30
215 Spank me if you’ve heard this one before ... 1.4280 0.04106 257 171 62 24
216 Yes, but they're insightful potty jokes. 1.4280 0.03993 257 168 68 21
217 Thanks for having me. 1.4280 0.04150 250 166 61 23
218 Teething pain! Am I right? 1.4280 0.03952 250 161 71 18
219 Looks like Teddy lost the debate. 1.4275 0.04085 262 175 62 25
220 He's a natural stand-up! 1.4275 0.04015 255 167 67 21
221 He’s a natural-born politician – he didn’t answer a single question! 1.4274 0.04134 248 164 62 22
222 It is with great regret that I announce the passing of Teddy. 1.4258 0.03886 256 165 73 18
223 Look Phil, he's gone from crawling to stand up. 1.4258 0.04041 256 169 65 22
224 It's so cute when he calls us fake parents. 1.4258 0.04262 256 175 53 28
225 we'll potty train him after the campaign. 1.4258 0.04116 256 171 61 24
226 I'm just glad I don't have to share this crib with 19 other candidates. 1.4258 0.04298 256 176 51 29
227 Parenting is easy, comedy is hard. 1.4257 0.03920 249 160 72 17
228 I told you he was ready for stand up. 1.4257 0.04082 249 164 64 21
229 Is he imitating Trump or is Trump imitating him? 1.4246 0.04200 252 170 57 25
230 He's a born politician. His message makes no sense. 1.4240 0.04224 250 169 56 25
231 He said, 'Heeeeere's Mommy!' 1.4240 0.03949 250 162 70 18
232 Now they can become president first, and then grow up. 1.4240 0.04410 250 174 46 30
233 We're sending these planes and ships to Iran as soon as we figure out how to unhook them from the ceiling. 1.4234 0.04286 248 169 53 26
234 First and foremost, i'd like to say that my diaper needs to be changed. 1.4228 0.04033 246 161 66 19
235 He’s throwing his diaper in the ring for 2020! 1.4228 0.04311 246 168 52 26
236 Oh sure, it’s funny when he says it. 1.4228 0.04115 246 163 62 21
237 I can't believe the 2058 campaign is already under way. 1.4228 0.04194 246 165 58 23
238 Buying the Rodney Dangerfield sample from the sperm bank was worth every penny! 1.4226 0.04200 239 164 51 24
239 Let’s bring on the people who made this all possible. 1.4223 0.03936 251 163 70 18
240 His jokes are great but he’s got quite the potty mouth. 1.4217 0.03958 249 162 69 18
241 The 2 a.m. set is completely different from the 4 a.m. set. 1.4217 0.03875 249 160 73 16
242 Gee, all the books said he wouldn't be podcasting for another six months. 1.4215 0.03993 242 157 68 17
243 Six months and he’s already doing stand up! 1.4211 0.03853 247 158 74 15
244 He's already making more sense than Trump, and he throws fewer tantrums 1.4211 0.04411 247 172 46 29
245 Thanks for coming. This is truly my first time doing stand up. 1.4204 0.04043 245 161 65 19
246 See? I always knew that bear was holding him back. 1.4198 0.04189 243 163 58 22
247 Just yesterday he rolled over, and now he can do stand-up! 1.4191 0.04172 241 161 59 21
248 I'd like to thank my mother and father... that's pretty much it... thank you. 1.4191 0.03959 241 156 69 16
249 I smell an encore coming. 1.4191 0.04213 241 162 57 22
250 He got a full diaper and likes to hear himself talk. He's our little politician! 1.4188 0.04260 234 157 56 21
251 Thanks, I'll be here the next 17 years! 1.4184 0.04112 239 158 62 19
252 And we were afraid he’d never talk 1.4184 0.04069 239 157 64 18
253 He did his whole monologue without a crib sheet! 1.4184 0.04154 239 159 60 20
254 Forgive me if the material's a little juvenile. 1.4184 0.03981 239 155 68 16
255 Ladies and gentlemen, take my parents...please! 1.4177 0.04221 237 159 57 21
256 He can finally entertain himself! 1.4177 0.04092 237 156 63 18
257 I knew we should've never moved to L.A. 1.4177 0.04221 237 159 57 21
258 Frank, I'm so proud! He's gone right from spit up to stand up! 1.4177 0.04092 237 156 63 18
259 Tales from the Crib 1.4174 0.04485 230 159 46 25
260 They grow up so fast. A week ago he could barely crawl. Now he’s doing stand-up. 1.4174 0.04033 242 159 65 18
261 Look at our little boy, from crawling to stand up! 1.4174 0.04199 242 163 57 22
262 "I told you he was a born politician––he's already thrown Teddy under the bus!" 1.4174 0.04240 242 164 55 23
263 He’s a born politician. He just threw Teddy under the bus! 1.4156 0.04341 231 157 52 22
264 And for my next number... 2. 1.4156 0.04209 231 154 58 19
265 Of course it’s gibberish, but at least he’s standing up for something! 1.4156 0.04118 231 157 54 20
266 Now I want you to think of a number between one and two. 1.4156 0.04297 231 156 54 21
267 We should have expected this when his first word was "Grammy." 1.4156 0.04118 231 152 62 17
268 And now I would like to thank my parents, who are clueless but necessary. 1.4156 0.04297 231 156 54 21
269 Oh John, he's announcing his candidacy for 2056. 1.4153 0.04274 236 160 54 22
270 Teddy bears are drug dealers, criminals, murderers, rapists . . . 1.4153 0.04480 236 165 44 27
271 Guess who's the new White House press secretary?!? 1.4152 0.04347 224 151 53 20
272 He's already qualified to become President! 1.4145 0.04257 234 158 55 21
273 Thank you - I’ll be here every night 1.4145 0.04300 234 159 53 22
274 His ability to read the room puts him in the 85th percentile for his age! 1.4145 0.03728 234 159 58 17
275 Stand-up comedy? I didn't know he could stand up! 1.4145 0.04170 234 156 59 19
276 And I'd like to thank my parents, Bob and Linda, for having me. 1.4145 0.04213 234 157 57 20
277 Before the field gets too crowded, I'm announcing my candidacy for the 2050 Democratic Primary. 1.4145 0.04342 234 160 51 23
278 When the press hears he tickled Elmo, his campaign is over 1.4144 0.04557 222 154 44 24
279 Look honey, Ted talks! 1.4144 0.04232 222 147 58 17
280 What's a guy gotta do to get a clean diaper around here? 1.4138 0.04059 232 152 64 16
281 He sounds so presidential! 1.4138 0.04194 232 155 58 19
282 He snivels, won't listen, throws tantrums, denies responsibility, behaves badly in public, wears ill-fitting clothes, has bad hair, and doesn't know much. So why not? 1.4138 0.04495 232 162 44 26
283 Imagine not remembering where you passed out and waking up in a pile of your own excrement. Hi. My name is Ryan and I'm a toddler. 1.4138 0.04495 232 162 44 26
284 I told you naming him Donald was a mistake 1.4133 0.04332 225 152 53 20
285 Take my mom...please. 1.4130 0.04174 230 153 59 18
286 Look, he learned to stand-up! 1.4130 0.04035 230 150 65 15
287 And now....the lucky winners of the diaper change challenge! 1.4130 0.04308 230 156 53 21
288 Steve, his first "Your-Mama" joke. 1.4130 0.04174 230 153 59 18
289 Look at him! Last week he could barely crawl, today he's doing standup! 1.4130 0.04264 230 155 55 20
290 No, wait — he’s killing it. 1.4130 0.04174 230 153 59 18
291 And don't forget, I'll be back for another show at 3:00AM 1.4128 0.04285 235 160 53 22
292 Your theory about replacing Mozart with Seinfeld reruns really worked! 1.4113 0.03975 231 150 67 14
293 Thanks Teddy...my next guests are from my own home town. 1.4107 0.03982 224 147 63 14
294 I think he's going to start talking any day now. 1.4107 0.04524 224 156 44 24
295 Thank you. Thank you very much. I'm here until I'm eighteen. 1.4107 0.04154 224 148 60 16
296 He went directly from rolling over to stand-up. 1.4097 0.04391 227 156 49 22
297 Which one of us should tell him how to pronounce “nuclear”? 1.4097 0.04391 227 156 49 22
298 I'd like to dedicate this next song to the folks who brought me here by accident." 1.4095 0.04054 232 153 63 16
299 And this one goes out to a very special couple... 1.4095 0.03768 232 147 75 10
300 What's the deal with onesies? They don't call pants and shirts twosies. 1.4095 0.04100 232 154 61 17
301 He just said " heeeeere's Mommy ." 1.4085 0.04299 213 142 55 16
302 Thanks, I'll be here until 2036! 1.4085 0.04401 213 144 51 18
303 What's the deal with bedtimes? 1.4085 0.04350 213 143 53 17
304 He didn't just learn to stand up, he's got ten minutes of good material. 1.4083 0.04231 218 145 57 16
305 Come on Sweetie, show daddy how you’re going to pay for college. 1.4083 0.04280 218 146 55 17
306 Yesterday he dedicated his tantrum to me. 1.4083 0.04280 218 146 55 17
307 This is Georgie’s new bit: The Seven Words You Can Never Say At Daycare. 1.4083 0.04378 218 148 51 19
308 Oh honey, who knew ‘testing’ would be his first word. 1.4083 0.04473 218 150 47 21
309 His first word was "impeach"! 1.4083 0.04378 218 148 51 19
310 His fans are gonna go gaga! 1.4083 0.04078 218 142 63 13
311 We might have overdone it with speech therapy. 1.4083 0.04426 218 149 49 20
312 Take my midwife...please. 1.4081 0.04401 223 153 49 21
313 Look, Honey, he’s already doing stand up! 1.4081 0.04261 223 150 55 18
314 A priest, a rabbi and my Dada walked into a bar... 1.4081 0.04261 223 150 55 18
315 Our child does not need a babysitter; he needs an agent! 1.4081 0.04213 223 149 57 17
316 He’s raised 3.5 million since nap time. 1.4081 0.04354 223 152 51 20
317 Oh, he has your father's dry wit and my uncle's delayed timing! 1.4081 0.04213 223 149 57 17
318 I owe everything to my mom and dad who are in the audience tonight. I wouldn't be here today if not for them. 1.4072 0.04239 221 148 56 17
319 I'm so excited. His first podcast without the bear. 1.4065 0.04180 214 141 59 14
320 It's an honor just to be born 1.4065 0.04334 214 144 53 17
321 He'll be playing the living room in no time! 1.4064 0.04265 219 147 55 17
322 Wow, talking gibberish already- he really could be president someday! 1.4064 0.04550 219 153 43 23
323 Next he’ll want tanks and a parade. 1.4064 0.04410 219 150 49 20
324 Oh, sweetheart, it's his first podcast. 1.4064 0.04215 219 146 57 16
325 Teddy Talks! 1.4064 0.04457 219 151 47 21
326 All this sleeping through the night BS - FAKE NEWS! Next question.... 1.4064 0.04386 219 152 46 21
327 Oh honey, his first statement from behind bars! 1.4064 0.04504 219 152 45 22
328 And I say to Mr. Teddy Bear, tear down this wall!! 1.4062 0.04198 224 150 57 17
329 Oh god, is he running too? 1.4062 0.04339 224 153 51 20
330 Thanks, folks. I'll be here for the next couple of years. 1.4048 0.04338 210 141 53 16
331 We shall defend our right to suck our thumb, whatever the cost may be, we shall fight them on the play ground, we shall fight them at the Day Care, we shall fight them at home and in the streets, we shall never surrender. 1.4048 0.04442 210 143 49 18
332 He's already speaking like the President 1.4048 0.04740 210 149 37 24
333 It's ok honey, the dr said he's just politically precocious. 1.4048 0.04232 210 139 57 14
334 Our very own Speaker of the House! 1.4048 0.04232 210 139 57 14
335 Oh, his first lie! 1.4048 0.04642 210 147 41 22
336 Diaper check ... 1... 2... 3. 1.4038 0.04446 213 146 48 19
337 He's very anxious to to announce his candidacy, but the pediatrician told him he needs to learn to walk before he can run. 1.4038 0.04243 213 142 56 15
338 At least if we’re bad parents he’ll have good material. 1.4028 0.04149 216 143 59 14
339 You're listening to Baby Talk. Tonight, the efficacy of binkies. Go ahead, caller. 1.4028 0.04546 216 151 43 22
340 He’s finally dropped Teddy from his act. 1.4028 0.04097 216 142 61 13
341 His fans don’t seem to mind that he can’t talk, as long as he says “MAGA” once in a while. 1.4028 0.04352 216 147 51 18
342 He’ll be perfect! No voting record, no embarrassing affairs and no Twitter trail. 1.4028 0.04302 216 146 53 17
343 A baby crawls into a bar... 1.4028 0.03936 216 139 67 10
344 First, I wish to say that I do not intend to make my opponent's age an issue in this campaign. 1.4028 0.04252 216 145 55 16
345 People of Earth... 1.4019 0.04764 214 154 34 26
346 Unaccustomed as I am to public speaking . . . 1.4019 0.04227 214 143 56 15
347 Look, honey--he added a second show just for you. 1.4010 0.04284 202 134 55 13
348 He's just a baby - let him enjoy playing commander in chief. 1.4010 0.04688 207 146 39 22
349 Look, he's gone from crawling to standup. 1.4010 0.04431 207 141 49 17
350 I get no respect. When I was a kid my parents moved a lot. But I always found them. 1.4009 0.04481 217 151 45 21
351 Look, dear -- he's already grasped the value of adding military imagery to his addresses! 1.4000 0.04199 210 142 53 15
352 Change me if you’ve heard this one. 1.4000 0.04538 210 146 44 20
353 My reason for running is because I believe the current occupant of the White House is too childish. 1.4000 0.04488 210 145 46 19
354 They said his podcast on poor parenting went viral. 1.4000 0.04172 210 139 58 13
355 Hello, is this thing on? Can someone please pick up my bear and bring me my guitar? 1.4000 0.04172 210 139 58 13
356 Don't you think he's a wee bit young to be singing, "I Did It My Way?" 1.4000 0.04280 210 141 54 15
357 Trust me — preschool admissions will love a podcast. 1.4000 0.04333 210 142 52 16
358 How cute. He's already got a stand-up routine. 1.4000 0.04172 210 139 58 13
359 He's going to make childhood great again. 1.4000 0.04385 210 143 50 17
360 Well, it's already been proven that any infant can get elected. 1.4000 0.04588 210 147 42 21
361 Other toddlers stand up. Ours DOES stand-up! 1.4000 0.03890 210 139 60 11
362 And now for my next act, I am going to burp and fill my diaper at the same time. 1.4000 0.04687 210 149 38 23
363 Who does he think is listening? 1.3990 0.04253 208 139 55 14
364 But seriously pops, you look great tonight. I don’t know if mom should hug you or play tic-tac-toe on your shirt. You’re killing me over here. 1.3981 0.04635 216 154 38 24
365 Did he say, "Anybody here from Jersey?" 1.3978 0.04398 186 123 52 11
366 Tonight, I'm announcing my candidacy for President of the United States. 1.3971 0.04885 204 148 31 25
367 But first a word from my sponsors. 1.3970 0.04607 199 138 43 18
368 Read My Lips: No New Vegetables!” 1.3962 0.04300 212 144 52 16
369 Another milestone reached - he's now qualified to be President! 1.3951 0.04613 205 144 41 20
370 Thank you, thank you very much! The next scream on my play list is called "Feed Me!" .....and it goes something like this...... 1.3950 0.04421 200 136 49 15
371 And you said all that whining didn’t sound presidential! 1.3941 0.04697 203 144 38 21
372 Parents, am I right? 1.3932 0.04437 206 142 47 17
373 And after he learns to speak, it will be even better! 1.3932 0.04274 206 139 53 14
374 This is not what we anticipated when we told him to "stand up". 1.3932 0.04329 206 140 51 15
375 And this next one is for all the little people yearning to be free. 1.3932 0.04329 206 140 51 15
376 I told you that Jerry Seinfeld Sperm Bank was the right place. 1.3930 0.04515 201 139 45 17
377 This one is going out to my old gang from the East 72nd St lamaze class. 1.3930 0.04289 201 135 53 13
378 He’s already polling better than nineteen other candidates. 1.3930 0.04515 201 139 45 17
379 He just said his first word... Bigly! 1.3930 0.04570 201 140 43 18
380 Thank you very much ladies and gentlemen Two shows nightly, try the formula. 1.3930 0.04403 201 137 49 15
381 Look, honey -- our boy is doing his first standup! 1.3929 0.04363 196 132 51 13
382 Morris, I think he's finally ready to talk 1.3929 0.04481 196 134 47 15
383 Just imagine, in 70 years he’ll still be bald, drooling, slurring his words and running for President. 1.3929 0.04653 196 137 41 18
384 I will now attempt the very difficult "jump over the 2 1/2-foot rail from a standing position". 1.3929 0.04481 196 134 47 15
385 It's great to be back at The Playpen. 1.3929 0.04539 196 135 45 16
386 And we were worried he would grow up to become a doctor! 1.3929 0.04539 196 135 45 16
387 The bit about unaffordable daycare - hilarious!” 1.3925 0.04772 186 130 39 17
388 So today I will be saying my tenth word: Adroit. 1.3925 0.04291 186 125 50 11
389 I just crawled in from the coast... 1.3925 0.04617 186 130 40 16
390 His earlier work was more edgy. 1.3922 0.04521 204 142 44 18
391 And stop me if you've heard this one before. We're all drinking milk.... seriously have you seen where it comes from? You've been a great crowd! 1.3922 0.03795 204 142 49 13
392 Donnie said he's getting a bigger crib and the neighbors will pay for it. 1.3920 0.04601 199 139 42 18
393 Little Donald just uttered his first exaggeration. 1.3920 0.04710 199 141 38 20
394 Well honey, he was conceived during the debate, remember? 1.3920 0.04546 199 138 44 17
395 I couldn't find the baby monitor so I had to improvise 1.3920 0.04490 199 137 46 16
396 His first word: testing! 1.3904 0.04690 187 130 41 16
397 And another thing: what's with nipples on men? 1.3904 0.04690 187 130 41 16
398 What's the deal with parents? Am I right? 1.3900 0.04415 200 137 48 15
399 All I said was "you could grow up to be president" 1.3895 0.04813 190 135 36 19
400 He said he would waive the 2 bottle minimum. 1.3892 0.04534 185 126 46 13
401 Wait ‘til you hear his stance on immigration reform. It’s adorable! 1.3892 0.04724 185 129 40 16
402 When you said he was standing up I didn't realize you meant he was doing stand-up! 1.3892 0.04724 185 129 40 16
403 Show of hands, how many folks here are my folks? 1.3892 0.04469 185 125 48 12
404 His podcast in baby talk gibberish has gone viral among Trump supporters." 1.3892 0.04907 185 132 34 19
405 He's running on a platform of universal snacks and raising the minimum bedtime. 1.3892 0.04403 185 124 50 11
406 My mama’s so old that her breast milk is actually powder. 1.3892 0.04967 185 133 32 20
407 What’s with parents? Is the Hokey Pokey really what it’s all about? 1.3886 0.04642 193 135 41 17
408 PROMISE, I'LL NEVER WATCH THE DEBATES WHEN I AM PREGNANT AGAIN . 1.3886 0.04813 193 138 35 20
409 Anyway, my blanket left me. 1.3874 0.04307 191 128 52 11
410 We knew he'd stand up by now, but he already has a solid 10 minutes of material! 1.3866 0.04199 194 129 55 10
411 He’s funny, but he has a bit of a potty mouth. 1.3866 0.04505 194 134 45 15
412 I’ll be right back after a word with my sponsors. 1.3862 0.04649 189 132 41 16
413 Throw tantrums, it shows that you're winning. 1.3862 0.04649 189 132 41 16
414 Our little Ted talks! 1.3862 0.04464 189 129 47 13
415 Filibustering is just a phase, dear. He'll call you 'dada' any day now. 1.3862 0.04137 189 124 57 8
416 Ha! Those in utero jokes crack me up every time. 1.3862 0.04527 189 130 45 14
417 What is he running for? He can't even walk! 1.3862 0.04769 189 134 37 18
418 Honey, it was his first address without crib notes! 1.3862 0.04464 189 129 47 13
419 If anyone is listening, I would like to go to the bathroom" 1.3862 0.04588 189 131 43 15
420 I owe my whole standup career and dry bottom to my next guests. 1.3862 0.04464 189 129 47 13
421 Overboard bear, full diaper, ain't nuthin but the blues. 1.3862 0.04271 189 126 53 10
422 It's his podcast show "Crib Notes". 1.3862 0.04464 189 129 47 13
423 I accept your nomination for a second term as President of the United States. 1.3862 0.04527 189 130 45 14
424 To tell you the truth, I never liked Tigger. He was low intelligence and his fur smelled like a wet diaper 1.3862 0.04827 189 135 35 19
425 Aw, honey, his first words." " Yeah but 'Nessun dorma'? What does that even mean? 1.3862 0.04649 189 132 41 16
426 ... so I asked mom why she insists that I call the mailman Uncle Mike ... just joking Dad (ba-da-boom)... Thank you everyone, I'll be here all week... and for the next 17 or 18 years by the way... hey, is this an audience or a finger painting? 1.3862 0.04400 189 128 49 12
427 Why not? There's an infant in the White House now. 1.3862 0.04588 189 131 43 15
428 Our son will be the second toddler president! 1.3854 0.04828 192 138 34 20
429 He may have your set up but his delivery is all mine. 1.3850 0.04495 187 128 46 13
430 Thank you! Thank you! I’ll be up all night! 1.3842 0.04318 190 128 51 11
431 …Any parents here tonight? 1.3838 0.04591 185 128 43 14
432 I thought the doctor said standing at 8 months, not stand up. 1.3830 0.04601 188 131 42 15
433 He's already demagoguing at a 4th-grade level! 1.3830 0.04842 188 135 34 19
434 So two teletubies and a Rabbi go into a bar.... 1.3830 0.04412 188 128 48 12
435 Take my parents for example, no really take them! 1.3830 0.04539 188 130 44 14
436 If you want to record baby's first sounds, put the microphone on the other end. 1.3830 0.04783 188 134 36 18
437 He sings "Highway to Hell" one more time and I am going to throttle him. 1.3830 0.04723 188 133 38 17
438 And so I say, ‘That’s not a bottle! That’s my mother!’ You’ve been a great crowd, New York! Goodnight! 1.3830 0.04347 188 127 50 11
439 He nailed the stand up part. If only he'd written some material. 1.3817 0.04634 186 130 41 15
440 And...give it up for my parents! They'll be here indefinitely! 1.3817 0.04507 186 128 45 13
441 And he's already got more followers than Mike Pence! 1.3817 0.04879 186 134 33 19
442 My God! He can’t walk, but he’s already doing stand-up. 1.3817 0.04507 186 128 45 13
443 It's so sweet - he's waived the two drink minimum for us! 1.3817 0.04696 186 131 39 16
444 With the extent of his vocabulary he could be president right now. 1.3817 0.04696 186 131 39 16
445 Da..da? Is there a Dada in the audience? 1.3817 0.04507 186 128 45 13
446 Did you hear that, Honey? His first words...' bone spurs' " 1.3817 0.04758 186 132 37 17
447 Thank you for watching my TED Talk 1.3817 0.04634 186 130 41 15
448 I always knew he'd do stand-up before he'd walk. 1.3817 0.04309 186 125 51 10
449 I just flew into town and boy is my stork tired! 1.3817 0.04507 186 128 45 13
450 Finally a comedian that can't complain about their childhood! 1.3817 0.04634 186 130 41 15
451 I'm announcing my candidacy for the 2020 election. It's not fair the the Republicans already have a baby on their side. 1.3810 0.04642 189 133 40 16
452 Emily's baby wasn't live-casting till 1 1/2! 1.3804 0.04731 184 130 38 16
453 Oh sure, when his opening joke needs changing he's MY son. 1.3801 0.04987 171 122 33 16
454 I see my dinner has arrived. Be back in 10 for my Sinatra medley. 1.3793 0.04646 174 120 42 12
455 His stand-up routine is great, but he cries when he gets heckled. 1.3791 0.04571 182 126 43 13
456 That's the best State of the Room address he's ever given! 1.3778 0.04605 180 125 42 13
457 If he's going to keep us awake, at least he puts on a show. 1.3778 0.04605 180 125 42 13
458 And now ladies and gentleman, hailing all the way from dinner, please welcome Mom's boyfriend and my new father! 1.3778 0.04605 180 125 42 13
459 You can't let him watch Fox News anymore. 1.3778 0.04737 180 127 38 15
460 Thank you. Thank you. I'll be here until I'm 18. 1.3778 0.04326 180 121 50 9
461 You're right, he does look like Winston Churchill. 1.3778 0.04737 180 127 38 15
462 Look Honey! His first public apology! 1.3778 0.04537 180 124 44 12
463 Oh Look! Another future world leader with tiny hands ! 1.3778 0.04802 180 128 36 16
464 I thought he could only do lie-down comedy. 1.3778 0.04254 180 120 52 8
465 Now that I have your attention my diaper needs some! 1.3778 0.04398 180 122 48 10
466 Take my parents, please 1.3771 0.04624 175 121 42 12
467 Thank you. I’ll be here all night. At least, that’s what my parents are hoping. 1.3770 0.04551 183 127 43 13
468 I TOLD you 'Mike' was the perfect name for him. 1.3765 0.04716 170 118 40 12
469 He's looking more presidential every day. 1.3765 0.04642 170 117 42 11
470 He's babbling! Oh honey, he's ready for politics! 1.3765 0.04862 170 120 36 14
471 Covfefe? Whatever could he mean? 1.3765 0.05003 170 122 32 16
472 ...and so, I'm happy to announce that I am running for president of the United States. 1.3764 0.04706 178 125 39 14
473 Introducing: Baby Gaga! 1.3757 0.04650 181 127 40 14
474 I'll be here all night, folks. 1.3743 0.04549 179 124 43 12
475 He looks so ...electable !! 1.3743 0.04479 179 123 45 11
476 Yo, welcome to my crib, with a shout out to my genetic antecedents. 1.3743 0.04751 179 127 37 15
477 And to my parents, if it wasn’t for you I wouldn’t be here. This one’s for you! 1.3743 0.04549 179 124 43 12
478 Well you try to put together a stand-up act with a three-word vocabulary.” 1.3743 0.04549 179 124 43 12
479 He can do stand-up as long as he's holding on to something! 1.3743 0.04617 179 125 41 13
480 Take my crib ... please 1.3743 0.04408 179 122 47 10
481 Look...It’s Jim & Carole! Get a room you two...why, because I want a sibling. But seriously, folks... 1.3743 0.04909 171 122 34 15
482 Thank you, folks! I’ll pee here all week! 1.3736 0.04759 182 130 36 16
483 I think we're his next guests. 1.3736 0.04341 174 117 49 8
484 So, a priest, a rabbi and an imam walk into a maternity ward . . . 1.3728 0.05088 169 123 29 17
485 Yep, he’s a natural politician. I knew it when I saw him with his foot in his mouth. 1.3728 0.05019 169 122 31 16
486 I’m gonna need more reverb and a little more ME in the monitor please. 1.3728 0.04617 169 119 38 12
487 Take a picture, photoshop in an audience, and we can buy our way into any elite preschool. 1.3728 0.04948 169 121 33 15
488 When you told me our baby was trying stand up this was not what i expected 1.3728 0.04804 169 119 37 13
489 I know he’s just trying to avoid bedtime, but it’s his first campaign speech! 1.3728 0.04501 169 115 45 9
490 Thanks a lot, folks; I’ll be here for the next 25 years. 1.3728 0.04876 169 120 35 14
491 A clown, a juggler and a puppeteer walk into an ice cream parlour... 1.3714 0.04755 175 124 37 14
492 He just gets better with age... 1.3714 0.04471 175 120 45 10
493 President Buttigieg's parents watch him deliver his first speech to the American people. 1.3714 0.04543 175 121 43 11
494 Oh, honey, isn’t it great? We can add public speaking to the Little Sunflower Preschool application! 1.3714 0.04471 175 120 45 10
495 He’s so gifted. No teleprompter. 1.3714 0.04615 175 122 41 12
496 Wasn’t that just the most amazing rendition of “The Wheels on the Bus” you’ve ever heard? 1.3714 0.04824 175 125 35 15
497 ‘Ice cream for all’ sounds great, but how is he going to pay for it? 1.3713 0.04613 167 115 42 10
498 We need a clean up on aisle one. 1.3713 0.04766 167 117 38 12
499 ‘Sure, he’s funny, but the material is a little infantile for my taste.’ 1.3713 0.04613 167 115 42 10
500 Oh, honey. He wants tanks for the Fourth of July! 1.3713 0.04988 167 120 32 15
501 How cute! His first words... ‘Hello, hello. Is this damn thing on?’ 1.3713 0.04766 167 117 38 12
502 What's the deal with breastfeeding? I mean, you're not feeding the breast... 1.3713 0.04915 167 119 34 14
503 Baby's first words - is this thing on? 1.3713 0.04842 167 118 36 13
504 Thank you! I’ll be here till bedtime. Try the milk. 1.3713 0.04613 167 115 42 10
505 He's weak on abortion, but I love his plan for free daycare. 1.3713 0.04915 167 119 34 14
506 Wait! I think he’s going to deliver his first incoherent diatribe! 1.3713 0.04915 167 119 34 14
507 Thank goodness! He supports cradle to grave Medicare. 1.3713 0.04915 167 119 34 14
508 Look-he does standup. 1.3713 0.04690 167 116 40 11
509 I can't believe our son is Trump's new Interim Secretary of Defense! And you said that mobile was a waste of money! 1.3713 0.04613 167 115 42 10
510 And the doctah says,"Why are YOU cryin'? I gotta clean up this mess!" 1.3713 0.04988 167 120 32 15
511 I liked his earlier work better. 1.3699 0.04577 173 120 42 11
512 Hopefully his big mouth will compensate for his small hands someday. 1.3699 0.04930 173 125 32 16
513 He may seem immature at times, but at least he says what he thinks. 1.3699 0.04503 173 119 44 10
514 And if elected, I promise you there will be no more mandatory nap times... 1.3699 0.04792 173 123 36 14
515 Sorry about the tantrum earlier. It turns out my mom's been sleeping with my dad. 1.3699 0.04721 173 122 38 13
516 And I love the way he just pardoned himself! 1.3699 0.04427 173 118 46 9
517 Alexa! Call CPS - i am being held captive in a cell! 1.3697 0.04955 165 118 33 14
518 Look, honey. He went right from crawling to stand up. 1.3690 0.04590 168 116 42 10
519 He's already graduated from potty humor to observational. 1.3690 0.04891 168 120 34 14
520 See? I told you he would run before he could crawl. 1.3684 0.04684 171 120 39 12
521 Early retirement here we come. 1.3684 0.04610 171 119 41 11
522 Thanks folks, you're the best. I'm here for 35 years. Try the veal. 1.3684 0.04684 171 120 39 12
523 Welcome to the next episode of "Tales from the Crib" 1.3684 0.04900 171 123 33 15
524 His first daddy roast. 1.3681 0.04434 163 110 46 7
525 We'll call his podcast "Crib Notes." 1.3678 0.04838 174 125 34 15
526 Hello, and welcome to my BED Talk 1.3678 0.04769 174 124 36 14
527 My parents scolded me last night. I have to tell you they are both losers. And my mother is a nasty woman. Lock her up! 1.3669 0.04645 169 118 40 11
528 Keep smiling, he hasn't noticed it's not plugged in. 1.3659 0.04579 164 113 42 9
529 Thank you. I'll be here for the next 18-26 years. 1.3659 0.05045 164 119 30 15
530 His applesauce routine is hilarious! 1.3659 0.04579 164 113 42 9
531 Initially I said he was too young, but he did so well in the first debate. 1.3659 0.04497 164 112 44 8
532 ...and finally, I want to thank my teddy bear and pacifier for their continued support and encouragement during the filming of this documentary .... 1.3659 0.04660 164 114 40 10
533 And now for my weekly podcast, From the Crib. 1.3659 0.04660 164 114 40 10
534 Just wait till you hear his bit about potty training! 1.3659 0.04740 164 115 38 11
535 Isn't this wonderfully American—amplifying the voices of people who have nothing to say! 1.3659 0.05045 164 119 30 15
536 He's about to say the darndest thing, I just know it! 1.3659 0.04818 164 116 36 12
537 You can never start too early apologizing for youthful indiscretions. 1.3659 0.04660 164 114 40 10
538 It doesn't have to make sense. He's practicing to be President one day. 1.3659 0.04660 164 114 40 10
539 He is so presidential! 1.3659 0.04895 164 117 34 13
540 At this stage it’s mostly observational. 1.3653 0.04680 167 117 39 11
541 I never would have guessed his first word would be ‘impeachment.’ 1.3648 0.05002 159 114 32 13
542 His first F-bomb! 1.3642 0.04921 173 126 31 16
543 Honey, he's "Live From the Crib" again! 1.3636 0.04557 165 114 42 9
544 Let's welcome the people who made all this possible ! A big hand for my Mom and Dad! 1.3636 0.04794 165 117 36 12
545 Oh honey, our baby is the funniest comedian behind bars since Bill Cosby 1.3620 0.04909 163 117 33 13
546 Thanks- I’m here all night. 1.3618 0.04988 152 108 33 11
547 I’d like to thank my parents for coming. 1.3618 0.04900 152 107 35 10
548 He said he took one small step for Mom. 1.3618 0.05074 152 109 31 12
549 Welcome to my crib. 1.3618 0.04988 152 108 33 11
550 I know it's a shock, dear. But we have to think positive. If he has a knack for politics, he'll never have to work a day in his life. 1.3602 0.04708 161 113 38 10
551 His first alternative fact! 1.3585 0.04574 159 110 41 8
552 I told you he shouldn't have watched the debates with us. 1.3585 0.04745 159 112 37 10
553 His first crib-side address! 1.3585 0.04574 159 110 41 8
554 His first words were check one two. 1.3585 0.04828 159 113 35 11
555 He's already polling ahead of Marianne Williamson! 1.3585 0.04574 159 110 41 8
556 Isn't that precious? He just promised Mexico will pay for the bars on his crib. 1.3585 0.04828 159 113 35 11
557 And now I’d like to thank all the little people. 1.3585 0.04574 159 110 41 8
558 She sighed and they".......I'm afraid I'll have to finish this story later. You know who just came into the nursery 1.3585 0.04745 159 112 37 10
559 Thank you! I'm here until i'm 18. Be sure to tip my parents. 1.3585 0.04661 159 111 39 9
560 Just last week I saw him jotting down ideas for his first word! 1.3585 0.04745 159 112 37 10
561 Heeeer's Mommy! 1.3580 0.04766 162 115 36 11
562 Oh look, honey! Junior just shut down his first heckler! 1.3580 0.04684 162 114 38 10
563 Soon he'll be tweeting! 1.3580 0.04766 162 115 36 11
564 I don’t understand the lyrics, but I think it’s a hit for his generation! 1.3580 0.04766 162 115 36 11
565 He’s taking his new baby monitor to the next level. 1.3567 0.04697 157 110 38 9
566 Oh, honey! He's learned to stand-up all by himself! 1.3567 0.04697 157 110 38 9
567 Look at Mike stand! 1.3567 0.05113 157 115 28 14
568 Look - he's a social media prodigy. We can pre-enroll him in any kindergarten. 1.3567 0.04697 157 110 38 9
569 How wet IS it? 1.3567 0.05032 157 114 30 13
570 Okay, that's it: no more Fox News for Kids. 1.3567 0.04867 157 112 34 11
571 My next song is a little number by the Supremes called Baby Love. 1.3562 0.04637 160 112 39 9
572 I told you we didn't need a baby monitor. 1.3562 0.04964 160 116 31 13
573 For my next act I will potty train myself 1.3562 0.04721 160 113 37 10
574 He's got the hands of a president too..... 1.3562 0.04964 160 116 31 13
575 They usually don’t start media training for another six months. 1.3562 0.04551 160 111 41 8
576 Yes it’s childish, but it’s his first TED Talk! 1.3562 0.04551 160 111 41 8
577 Remember it’s a two bottle minimum. 1.3562 0.04637 160 112 39 9
578 Welcome to this episode of Cribs. Notice I've replaced my wildlife decor with a transportation theme. 1.3562 0.04884 160 115 33 12
579 Oh Honey...he looks so presidential! 1.3562 0.04884 160 115 33 12
580 Shh... He's about to announce his first words 1.3562 0.04721 160 113 37 10
581 Oh,Honey I think he's getting ready to talk! 1.3562 0.04964 160 116 31 13
582 Don't interrupt him. I wanna hear what his platform is. 1.3562 0.04721 160 113 37 10
583 I'll worry if he starts building hotels. 1.3562 0.04964 160 116 31 13
584 Aw, how cute. He thinks he can make a difference. 1.3548 0.04992 155 112 31 12
585 Look, his first TED Talk! 1.3548 0.04734 155 109 37 9
586 Move over Chris Matthews. He just pronounced Mayor Pete's name correctly. 1.3537 0.04710 147 102 38 7
587 Why are there modes of transportation hanging above my bed? It’s like, I just got here, and my parents are already telling me to leave. 1.3529 0.04771 153 108 36 9
588 I'm more worried about where he got the microphone. 1.3529 0.04861 153 109 34 10
589 He's taking this monitor camera a little too seriously. 1.3529 0.04948 153 110 32 11
590 I couldn’t have done it without my mother 1.3529 0.04771 153 108 36 9
591 And he said ‘who’s that lady?’ And I said, ‘that’s no lady, that’s my Mom’... 1.3526 0.04965 156 113 31 12
592 I would like to start by thanking my parents for their support over the months. 1.3526 0.04881 156 112 33 11
593 Well, he's got a face for radio... 1.3526 0.04709 156 110 37 9
594 I know he's young honey but his ideas are much better than anyone they've got so far. 1.3526 0.04965 156 113 31 12
595 Oh John, Look. Another Democrat candidate for President in 2020! 1.3526 0.05288 156 117 23 16
596 I want to give a shout out to my parents who are in the audience tonight. 1.3526 0.04796 156 111 35 10
597 We're just in time for his opening monologue! 1.3526 0.04965 156 113 31 12
598 He stinks, but at least not like a dirty diaper 1.3526 0.05048 156 114 29 13
599 I love his bit about object permanence. 1.3526 0.04965 156 113 31 12
600 I don't know about collusion but based on that smell coming from his diaper I could have told him there was no obstruction. 1.3526 0.05048 156 114 29 13
601 Honey, shouldn’t preschool come before the primaries? 1.3526 0.04965 156 113 31 12
602 Just think, he'll be only the second baby to give The State of the Union Address! 1.3526 0.04965 156 113 31 12
603 Just think what he can do once we get him a TelePrompTer. 1.3526 0.04620 156 109 39 8
604 And what’s the deal with bedtime? 1.3526 0.04796 156 111 35 10
605 I'd like to thank my mom, my dad, and my fingers. I can always count on them. 1.3526 0.04881 156 112 33 11
606 How cute! His first TED talk! 1.3526 0.04965 156 113 31 12
607 Oh, honey! He says he is resigning to spend more time with his family! 1.3526 0.04881 156 112 33 11
608 Please welcome, all the way from their bedroom, Mom and Dad! 1.3526 0.04620 156 109 39 8
609 Be patient! He always saves Twinkle Twinkle for the encore 1.3526 0.04709 156 110 37 9
610 Well, there is a precedent for a baby president... 1.3510 0.05249 151 112 25 14
611 I was OK with him looking like your Dad, but I'm not sure how I feel about him singing like your Dad. 1.3506 0.04921 154 111 32 11
612 See, I told you. He's doing it without a teleprompter now! 1.3506 0.05007 154 112 30 12
613 Yo momma so dumb, she took a ruler to bed to see how long I slept. 1.3503 0.05020 157 115 29 13
614 With all that talent I'm starting to wonder if he's really yours. 1.3503 0.04938 157 114 31 12
615 Phyllis, I'll take that milk now." 1.3503 0.04938 157 114 31 12
616 His first word, YUGE! 1.3487 0.04874 152 109 33 10
617 Little did they know, Donald’s hands would not develop with the rest of his body. 1.3487 0.05384 152 115 21 16
618 Honey, don’t you think that that’s a lot of pressure for his first word? 1.3487 0.05049 152 111 29 12
619 D... Da... Deport Trump! 1.3487 0.04874 152 109 33 10
620 Oh look sweetheart. Baby Donald is pretending to be president again! 1.3487 0.05135 152 112 27 13
621 He’s got a tight seven minutes, I just hope he can get beyond the potty material. 1.3487 0.04253 152 105 42 5
622 Look, dear, he's an anchor baby! 1.3487 0.05049 152 111 29 12
623 Watch! This time he'll do it without the teleprompter! 1.3487 0.04962 152 110 31 11
624 Honey, what else do we need to do to get him into college? 1.3487 0.04874 152 109 33 10
625 And you said all that George Carlin in the womb was a waste of time! 1.3487 0.04692 152 107 37 8
626 See? I told you he could stand up! 1.3487 0.04598 152 106 39 7
627 And I thought that stuff only came out of the other end. 1.3484 0.04980 155 113 30 12
628 Ok, “Mr. President”, it’s time for you to get some rest. 1.3484 0.04539 155 108 40 7
629 His first press conference, and he can already say, "I didn't drop that teddy bear. It's not even my kind of teddy bear." 1.3484 0.05226 155 116 24 15
630 I think it's time to mention I used a performing artist sperm bank. 1.3478 0.05107 138 99 30 9
631 And that's a wrap from Crib News ... Good Night! 1.3475 0.05031 141 101 31 9
632 I was trying to teach him TO stand up. 1.3472 0.04656 144 100 38 6
633 We're his first hecklers! 1.3467 0.05004 150 109 30 11
634 Ok, Folks--that's my bedtime! 1.3467 0.05180 150 111 26 13
635 He a better speaker than our president. 1.3467 0.05093 150 110 28 12
636 He's a barely stand-up comedian! 1.3464 0.04180 153 103 47 3
637 When our baby wanted to stand up, I didn't think he'd take it this seriously. 1.3453 0.05076 139 100 30 9
638 This was what he meant by “Me, stand up!” all this time! 1.3453 0.05178 139 101 28 10
639 I knew replacing breast milk with whiskey on the rocks was a good idea! 1.3453 0.05076 139 100 30 9
640 No dear, open binky night is Wednesday. 1.3453 0.05178 139 101 28 10
641 Listen, honey! How cute! His first words were ‘Hello, hello... Is this damn thing on?’ 1.3453 0.05277 139 102 26 11
642 You have to hear his bit about airplane food. 1.3453 0.05277 139 102 26 11
643 Look! Billy is doing stand-up! 1.3453 0.04972 139 99 32 8
644 The rumors I did a booboo are fake news! 1.3453 0.05178 139 101 28 10
645 Walking can wait. Let him perfect his stand-up, first. 1.3453 0.05178 139 101 28 10
646 My diaper needs to be changed and it is YUUGE. 1.3453 0.05471 139 104 22 13
647 My opponent says I pooped my pants... I tell you, it's my opponent who poops his pants! 1.3453 0.05375 139 103 24 12
648 Just imagine, another Toddler in Chief. 1.3453 0.05178 139 101 28 10
649 Wewcome to my podcast, where I expwore topics at the intersection of powitics and pop culture. 1.3453 0.05076 139 100 30 9
650 I’m not saying it because he’s our son. That was “Hey Jude.” 1.3453 0.05076 139 100 30 9
651 He's more articulate than the president! 1.3453 0.05375 139 103 24 12
652 My Teddy Talk started promptly at 5AM. She stays. You’re fired! 1.3453 0.04972 139 99 32 8
653 Ich bin ein pacifier 1.3453 0.05178 139 101 28 10
654 He looks more like Churchill every day! 1.3453 0.05178 139 101 28 10
655 He’s a voice for those behind bars! 1.3453 0.04972 139 99 32 8
656 He's headlining at the daycare all next week. 1.3446 0.04468 148 102 41 5
657 The bedtime routine is my favorite one. 1.3446 0.04955 148 107 31 10
658 Let's make this nursery great again. 1.3446 0.05226 148 110 25 13
659 Calm down Rita. Of course he sounds smarter than the President. 1.3446 0.05226 148 110 25 13
660 Early campaigning has gotten out of control 1.3446 0.05047 148 108 29 11
661 Wow, he’s doing stand-up! 1.3446 0.05047 148 108 29 11
662 I told him to imagine the audience in diapers. 1.3446 0.05047 148 108 29 11
663 He sleeps so much better since he put in the two-drink minimum. 1.3446 0.05226 148 110 25 13
664 This next one goes out to a very special lady . . . 1.3446 0.04569 148 103 39 6
665 Did you hear that, he just said Pete Buttigieg not Mayor Pete. 1.3446 0.04862 148 106 33 9
666 Well this is a surprise,audience. Would you like to meet my mom and dad? 1.3446 0.04862 148 106 33 9
667 If we all stand together these cages will be a thing of the past. 1.3446 0.04955 148 107 31 10
668 I’d like to thank my mom, my dad, and especially Teddy who could not make it to the stage tonight. 1.3446 0.04569 148 103 39 6
669 Honey, Baby Donald just told his first lie! 1.3446 0.05314 148 111 23 14
670 I know they say all babies go at their own pace, but I was starting to think he'd NEVER start a podcast. 1.3446 0.05047 148 108 29 11
671 He's very advanced. Most children don't grasp "plausible deniability' until much later. 1.3446 0.05138 148 109 27 12
672 I’’ll be here all night! 1.3446 0.04766 148 105 35 8
673 I prefer his tweets. 1.3446 0.04862 148 106 33 9
674 So, Mickey Mouse, Winnie-the-Pooh, and Donald Duck walk into a bar . . . 1.3446 0.04766 148 105 35 8
675 See! He just needed a reason to stand! 1.3446 0.04766 148 105 35 8
676 Be patient, he's doing a sound check." 1.3446 0.04955 148 107 31 10
677 Ooh, look - he’s getting his flyover! 1.3446 0.04569 148 103 39 6
678 Did you hear that, honey?! Our future president just uttered his first little phrase, "No collusion." 1.3446 0.04955 148 107 31 10
679 I think he may be a stable genius! 1.3446 0.05226 148 110 25 13
680 He’s been retained by the President as a speech writer! 1.3446 0.04862 148 106 33 9
681 A better speaker than the baby in the White House 1.3446 0.05226 148 110 25 13
682 Wow! Honey, it’s the president!! He sounds EXACTLY like him! 1.3446 0.05047 148 108 29 11
683 This week, my podcast guests will be ... Mom and Dad. Again. 1.3446 0.04862 148 106 33 9
684 This is what we get for leasing the end of his crib to ABC. 1.3446 0.04955 148 107 31 10
685 His positions aren't great, but his likeability is off the charts! 1.3446 0.05047 148 108 29 11
686 Look honey, he no longer needs the telepromter. 1.3446 0.04862 148 106 33 9
687 Isn’t it wonderful dear? His public speaking is already three grade levels above Trump’s! 1.3446 0.05226 148 110 25 13
688 Honey, We can retire. 1.3446 0.04569 148 103 39 6
689 I hope he stops acting like a toddler once he’s president 1.3446 0.05047 148 108 29 11
690 He's finding his voice! 1.3431 0.05016 137 98 31 8
691 Look, honey! His first stand-up! 1.3431 0.05122 137 99 29 9
692 Great, honey!! But next time, hold the bear and drop the mic.. 1.3431 0.05225 137 100 27 10
693 He's polling vey well in Iowa 1.3431 0.05525 137 103 21 13
694 For my next number...3 1.3431 0.05225 137 100 27 10
695 Our baby is doing his first stand-up! 1.3431 0.05225 137 100 27 10
696 Oh look, Frank, Baby's about to announce his first word! 1.3431 0.05016 137 98 31 8
697 His elocution will be better once he gets teeth 1.3431 0.05122 137 99 29 9
698 Mom, these are the wrong type of bars. 1.3431 0.05122 137 99 29 9
699 How can you trust someone with such small hands? 1.3431 0.05016 137 98 31 8
700 He's a shoo-in for Daycare's Got Talent! 1.3431 0.05122 137 99 29 9
701 Omg! He’s already offering conditional, half-hearted apologies! 1.3431 0.05122 137 99 29 9
702 Now, if we can only understand what he is saying and why he’s always’s laughing at us ... 1.3431 0.05122 137 99 29 9
703 Look,he makes no sense...he could be president! 1.3431 0.05427 137 102 23 12
704 He learned to talk months ago but he's just now learning how to say nothing. 1.3431 0.05327 137 101 25 11
705 I told you it would make him want to stand up! 1.3431 0.05225 137 100 27 10
706 I was wondering when he'd standup, but this is something else! 1.3425 0.05183 146 108 26 12
707 Even if he's not funny, this is way better than sleep training. 1.3425 0.05091 146 107 28 11
708 His first public apology! 1.3425 0.04902 146 105 32 9
709 With his crying and whining, he’s got a great future in politics. 1.3425 0.05091 146 107 28 11
710 Thank you. And goodnight. 1.3425 0.05183 146 108 26 12
711 He's doing observational comedy at least six months ahead of schedule! 1.3425 0.04805 146 104 34 8
712 The flyover is good, but he insists on adding tanks to the crib before the press conference. 1.3425 0.04998 146 106 30 10
713 ...and the winner is,Daddy! Daddy gets to change my poopy diaper. 1.3425 0.04706 146 103 36 7
714 I wanted to get your attention. I just ordered a new crib from Alexa and a new brother from Siri. 1.3425 0.05183 146 108 26 12
715 Our little boy is such a stable genius! 1.3425 0.05183 146 108 26 12
716 Ask not what your diapers can do for you but rather ask what you can do to your diapers! 1.3423 0.05108 149 110 27 12
717 This place has a two-boob minimum. 1.3423 0.05108 149 110 27 12
718 This time, he's even memorized his crib notes. 1.3403 0.05136 144 106 27 11
719 He nailed that impression of you. 1.3403 0.04844 144 103 33 8
720 Oh look, his first public apology. 1.3403 0.04844 144 103 33 8
721 He’s finally doing stand up on his own. 1.3403 0.04844 144 103 33 8
722 I think he’s ready to be heckled 1.3403 0.04743 144 102 35 7
723 So what if it's juvenile, it's still stand-up! 1.3403 0.04640 144 101 37 6
724 Let's take it all away from him and see if he tweets about us! 1.3403 0.04944 144 104 31 9
725 Heh, heh, I'm here all night, folks! 1.3403 0.05136 144 106 27 11
726 I just crawled in from Toledo, and boy are my arms tired. 1.3403 0.05230 144 107 25 12
727 I think he'll do well in Iowa. 1.3403 0.04743 144 102 35 7
728 His baby impression is spot on. 1.3403 0.05041 144 105 29 10
729 He sounds just like his real father. 1.3403 0.05136 144 106 27 11
730 ... and now, with your money, he can be president. 1.3403 0.04743 144 102 35 7
731 He has the daycare vote locked in. 1.3403 0.04640 144 101 37 6
732 He's on the preschool debate team. 1.3403 0.04844 144 103 33 8
733 He has your punchlines. 1.3403 0.04640 144 101 37 6
734 Oh my God, barely two and already a better orator than the President!!! 1.3403 0.05041 144 105 29 10
735 Nothing says "Nailed It" like a Teddy Bear drop! 1.3403 0.05041 144 105 29 10
736 NOW we'll show your sister which grandchild is the star! 1.3403 0.05136 144 106 27 11
737 I told you we should not have used a sperm bank. 1.3403 0.05322 144 108 23 13
738 I did it my waaaaaaayyyyyy! 1.3403 0.04944 144 104 31 9
739 I knew he had a face for radio! 1.3403 0.04993 144 107 26 11
740 I'm here for the next 2 years." 1.3403 0.05041 144 105 29 10
741 You were spot on about breastfeeding 1.3403 0.04944 144 104 31 9
742 We've done all we can - it's up to social media influences now. 1.3401 0.04969 147 107 30 10
743 And watch: for his finale he pulls up the bars and says our borders are now more secure!" 1.3401 0.04874 147 106 32 9
744 His first monologue! 1.3383 0.05106 133 96 29 8
745 The assassination of Vice President Bear by extremists in the middle eastern section of this house has compelled me to unleash the most powerful mobile-enabled aerial and maritime strikes. We will also have booties on the ground within 72 hours. 1.3380 0.04986 142 103 30 9
746 Oh, Larry. His first press conference. 1.3380 0.04986 142 103 30 9
747 He's using the mic! Now all we need is a videographer and a YouTube channel and he's set for college. 1.3380 0.04986 142 103 30 9
748 No, wait, wait! This is the bit where two parents walk into a bar... 1.3380 0.04676 142 100 36 6
749 If someone acting like a child can be president, then certainly a real child can 1.3380 0.05085 142 104 28 10
750 And you didn't want to pay the cover! 1.3380 0.04986 142 103 30 9
751 There's our nest egg. 1.3380 0.04676 142 100 36 6
752 And now, appearing nightly at 3 AM, Mama and Dada. 1.3380 0.04885 142 102 32 8
753 His proposals for Daycare really ring with authenticity. 1.3380 0.04986 142 103 30 9
754 Welcome back to my podcast. I've worked with my next guests since the beginning... 1.3380 0.05182 142 105 26 11
755 If his recording of “I’ve Gotta Be Me” in French and Spanish doesn’t get him into that pre-school, I don’t know what will! 1.3380 0.04986 142 103 30 9
756 ALL MY BREASTFEEDING PAID OFF!!! 1.3380 0.04885 142 102 32 8
757 Thank you thank you. Make sure to tip your bottletender on the way out. 1.3380 0.04457 142 98 40 4
758 What's the deal with Gerber? 1.3380 0.04885 142 102 32 8
759 Forget the other twelve candidates, i have nothing hidden in my past life 1.3380 0.04885 142 102 32 8
760 This is good. After stand-up usually comes walking. 1.3380 0.04781 142 101 34 7
761 And you thought the Sinatra tapes were a waste of time. 1.3357 0.04926 140 101 31 8
762 So sweet! His first teddy talk! 1.3357 0.05230 140 104 25 11
763 He already has all the qualities to be President! 1.3357 0.05029 140 102 29 9
764 You think you hate public speaking? I've literally soiled myself! 1.3357 0.05230 140 104 25 11
765 Another milestone: his first night of stand up! 1.3357 0.04821 140 100 33 7
766 Now that he's POTUS trained, we can announce! 1.3357 0.04926 140 101 31 8
767 I'd like to thank my parents for being there for me these past 10 months. 1.3357 0.04821 140 100 33 7
768 He's already singing "Send in the Clowns" 1.3357 0.05130 140 103 27 10
769 Oh, honey! Look! He's standing up! 1.3357 0.05130 140 103 27 10
770 Look! His first lies. 1.3357 0.05029 140 102 29 9
771 He's got a gig at the Diaper Room. 1.3357 0.04926 140 101 31 8
772 He called his teddy bear Hillary. 1.3357 0.04713 140 99 35 6
773 Don't worry, Fred, Little Donald's vocabulary will improve before he's 73. 1.3357 0.05230 140 104 25 11
774 He's polling just slightly higher than Hickenlooper! 1.3357 0.05029 140 102 29 9
775 My heart says President, but my mind says stand-up comedian... 1.3357 0.04489 140 97 39 4
776 I’d like to thank my parents for jumpstarting my career when that video of my home birth went viral. 1.3357 0.04821 140 100 33 7
777 Thank you! I'll be appearing here every night for the next 1-2 years! 1.3357 0.05130 140 103 27 10
778 Oh, look, he's pulled himself up to stand-up comedy! 1.3357 0.04432 143 99 40 4
779 Tomorrow night, he'll want a tip jar. 1.3357 0.04649 143 101 36 6
780 I think he's finally settling into a bedtime routine. 1.3333 0.05257 135 100 25 10
781 Once he's out of jail, he can run for president. 1.3307 0.05368 127 94 24 9
782 First words or not, this is a little over the top. 1.3285 0.04981 137 100 29 8
783 Pre-K-Pop! 1.3285 0.05394 137 104 21 12
784 Hey Dudes, welcome to my crib. 1.3285 0.05087 137 101 27 9
785 He's pretty good at stand-up, considering he just learned to walk. 1.3285 0.04529 137 96 37 4
786 I think we get to be on the podcast tomorrow! 1.3285 0.05087 137 101 27 9
787 If anyone's got any formula, see me after the show 1.3285 0.04981 137 100 29 8
788 Look, honey, he murdered his dissident bear and is consolidating power! The book says that means he's ahead on his milestones. 1.3284 0.04943 134 97 30 7
789 Four poops and seven sleeps ago... 1.3281 0.05332 128 95 24 9
790 His first standup! 1.3280 0.05051 125 90 29 6
791 Tonight on American Cradle... 1.3280 0.04653 125 87 35 3
792 Sssh. He's coming to the small loan from his dad part. 1.3280 0.05654 125 95 19 11
793 The doctor said he needs more feedback. 1.3280 0.05051 125 90 29 6
794 Oh dear, he sounds like Celine Dion. 1.3280 0.05301 125 92 25 8
795 OMG! Junior's first one liner! 1.3280 0.05539 125 94 21 10
796 Now aren't you glad we let him watch the presidential debates? 1.3280 0.05178 125 91 27 7
797 He is campaigning for the primaries in 2064. 1.3280 0.05051 125 90 29 6
798 Meet the parents. 1.3280 0.05539 125 94 21 10
799 All hands on deck. Teddy bear overboard. 1.3280 0.05051 125 90 29 6
800 And what’s the deal with baby food ? 1.3280 0.05051 125 90 29 6
801 Finally, a candidate with a viable platform! 1.3280 0.05178 125 91 27 7
802 My next number will be number 2 1.3280 0.05178 125 91 27 7
803 It's funny because he's two. 1.3280 0.05051 125 90 29 6
804 He says he wants a parade of his toy tanks next time. 1.3280 0.05051 125 90 29 6
805 Looks like he’s given up on his ventriloquism act and gone solo! 1.3280 0.05051 125 90 29 6
806 Shhhh! Just listen. “OK, darling, how wet ARE you?’ 1.3280 0.05654 125 95 19 11
807 Look, honey! He can stand up! 1.3280 0.05421 125 93 23 9
808 I'm so glad we chose Seinfeld for our sperm donor. 1.3280 0.05178 125 91 27 7
809 Attention. Attention please. Clean up on crib 1” 1.3280 0.05654 125 95 19 11
810 I feel emboldened when he says, ""We have nothing to fear but what's under the bed and in the closet." 1.3280 0.05178 125 91 27 7
811 He's going without the teleprompter. 1.3280 0.05051 125 90 29 6
812 Look, he can stand-up! 1.3280 0.05178 125 91 27 7
813 I overheard him practicing his speech, and it's clearly more cogent and coherent than anything our President is saying! 1.3280 0.05539 125 94 21 10
814 Now do you appreciate the rhythm method? 1.3280 0.05539 125 94 21 10
815 So THAT's why you wanted to call him Mike! 1.3280 0.05539 125 94 21 10
816 He just announced a bold plan to reduce his attention-deficit! 1.3280 0.05301 125 92 25 8
817 I just want to give a shout out to whomever might please fetch me my bear. 1.3280 0.05301 125 92 25 8
818 He's just finishing his TED Talk. 1.3280 0.05421 125 93 23 9
819 His first Teddy Bear Talk! 1.3280 0.05539 125 94 21 10
820 The latest polls show him leading in Iowa. 1.3259 0.05024 135 99 28 8
821 Mothers always have great expectations for the first word. 1.3259 0.05133 135 100 26 9
822 Of course his whole act is potty-mouth — what else does he know about? 1.3259 0.04682 135 96 34 5
823 Tell me again why we can’t send him back. 1.3259 0.05133 135 100 26 9
824 I am a stable genius, free of education and encumbering bias!!! 1.3259 0.05239 135 101 24 10
825 I'm here all week, try the strained peaches and don't forget to tip your nanny. 1.3259 0.05024 135 99 28 8
826 I can't believe he's doing stand-up already. 1.3259 0.04913 135 98 30 7
827 He insisted on the fly over for his Fourth of July speech. 1.3259 0.04913 135 98 30 7
828 His gibberish is sounding more and more like a presidential acceptance speech. 1.3259 0.04856 135 100 27 8
829 I can't wait for all the neighbors to hear his first words! 1.3259 0.05024 135 99 28 8
830 I think he’s about to croon! 1.3259 0.04913 135 98 30 7
831 We interrupt our broadcast to provide a message from my, misinformed parents. 1.3259 0.05344 135 102 22 11
832 His rap name is 'Da Baybeez Wettt'. 1.3259 0.05344 135 102 22 11
833 He does an amazing imitation of the president! 1.3259 0.05446 135 103 20 12
834 Now that he's doing stand-up, I can't wait for him to learn to talk. 1.3259 0.04799 135 97 32 6
835 You've been great. I'll be here all week folks. 1.3259 0.05239 135 101 24 10
836 Now he wants a crowd and some tanks. 1.3259 0.04913 135 98 30 7
837 I'd like to thank my parents, Arnold and Margaret, and apparently a surrogate named Zoë somewhere. 1.3259 0.05133 135 100 26 9
838 Look dear, he’s standing up. 1.3259 0.04799 135 97 32 6
839 That’s one small step for me; one giant leap for my teddy bear... 1.3259 0.05024 135 99 28 8
840 A minister, a priest, a rabbi, and Goldilocks enter a bar..... 1.3259 0.04913 135 98 30 7
841 Just think how good he'll be when he can read a teleprompter. 1.3259 0.05024 135 99 28 8
842 It's his first tot cast. 1.3254 0.05727 126 97 17 12
843 A baby crawls into a bar, tells the bartender he needs a drink to celebrate because his Mom is having a new baby. Bartender says "what was wrong with the old one?" 1.3233 0.05179 133 99 25 9
844 These jokes are going to get way funnier once he learns how to talk." 1.3233 0.05288 133 100 23 10
845 I gotta tell you, I get no respect. No respect. 1.3233 0.05068 133 98 27 8
846 It's his first one liner. 1.3233 0.04838 133 96 31 6
847 Thanks for coming out tonight... you've been a great audience. Obviously I'll be here all week. 1.3233 0.04955 133 97 29 7
848 I'm glad we agree with his stance on bottle warming. 1.3233 0.05288 133 100 23 10
849 ... But more, much more than this ... I did it ... my way 1.3233 0.05179 133 99 25 9
850 He said his first word: "Testing"! 1.3233 0.05068 133 98 27 8
851 In the babysitter’s defense, ‘check Mike’ is easily misconstrued. 1.3233 0.04838 133 96 31 6
852 With his diaper changed he has a legitimate chance. 1.3233 0.04838 133 96 31 6
853 Awww..he wants to make our family great again. 1.3233 0.05395 133 101 21 11
854 At his age it's all potty humor, honey. 1.3233 0.05068 133 98 27 8
855 Tax cuts for the middle class! Isn't that cute? 1.3233 0.05288 133 100 23 10
856 I kid, I kid. I really love you two knuckleheads. 1.3233 0.05288 133 100 23 10
857 Donald is so cute. I don't know what it means but he keeps saying "Make America Great Again" 1.3233 0.05179 133 99 25 9
858 Thanks, folks. I’ll be here all night. 1.3233 0.04955 133 97 29 7
859 And what's the deal with Peek-A-Boo?! I mean, get a life right?! Is that what you're pretending to hide from anyways? 1.3233 0.05068 133 98 27 8
860 I get no respect. When I was born, the doctor slapped my face. 1.3233 0.04955 133 97 29 7
861 Aww honey! His first politcal speech discussing the intricacies of trickle-down economics. 1.3233 0.05288 133 100 23 10
862 But seriously folks, take my parents...please. 1.3231 0.05030 130 95 28 7
863 ‘So, what’s the deal with airline food’ 1.3231 0.04910 130 94 30 6
864 He does really well with the younger crowd. 1.3231 0.05262 130 97 24 9
865 And you thought he'd never settle on a career path! 1.3231 0.04910 130 94 30 6
866 The baby book said to expect him to stand up by this age, but I did not expect this. 1.3231 0.05374 130 98 22 10
867 He’s already performing at a first grade level. 1.3231 0.04661 130 92 34 4
868 All we need now is a brick wall and a two-drink minimum." 1.3231 0.05147 130 96 26 8
869 And he's already cancelled the press credentials of that snooty stuffed giraffe from the New York Times! 1.3231 0.05147 130 96 26 8
870 But he is only asking for a LEGO wall. 1.3231 0.05030 130 95 28 7
871 How about a round of applause for the folks who made this gig possible? 1.3231 0.05147 130 96 26 8
872 Look, honey! Junior is about to say his first words without the teleprompter! 1.3231 0.05147 130 96 26 8
873 More unintelligible rambling like this and he'll be president! 1.3231 0.05030 130 95 28 7
874 That Heckle Me Elmo doll was a great idea. 1.3231 0.05030 130 95 28 7
875 He said "Mama" ! 1.3206 0.05227 131 98 24 9
876 Four score and seven days ago... 1.3206 0.05447 131 100 20 11
877 Look, honey, he just announced his candidacy. Oh, no, he's going to deport all the Teddy Bears. 1.3206 0.04879 131 95 30 6
878 Shooting today from my mobile location. 1.3206 0.05114 131 97 26 8
879 Did you hear the one about the rabbi, the priest, and the babysitter who go into a bar? 1.3203 0.04952 128 93 29 6
880 Aw, look! He's overcompensating already! 1.3203 0.05312 128 96 23 9
881 And if I am elected, I promise that you can stay up late, never eat vegetables, and watch all the Paw Patrol you want. 1.3203 0.05426 128 97 21 10
882 Look! He's taken this whole 'stand-up' thing to a new level. 1.3203 0.05195 128 95 25 8
883 Told you he didn't really want to be an astronaut. 1.3203 0.04826 128 92 31 5
884 A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine... 1.3203 0.05426 128 97 21 10
885 Aren’t you proud, dear? No crib sheet! 1.3203 0.05195 128 95 25 8
886 I’m so thrilled that he no longer needs his teleprompter! 1.3203 0.05195 128 95 25 8
887 Look,honey! Barely potty trained and already he's pretending to declare war on Iran. 1.3178 0.05276 129 97 23 9
888 That last joke killed at Mommy and Me. 1.3175 0.04867 126 91 30 5
889 If elected the first I’ll change is my diaper. 1.3175 0.04995 126 92 28 6
890 Nice try, but nap time is not "fake news". 1.3175 0.05363 126 95 22 9
891 So, what's the deal with baby food? 1.3175 0.04867 126 91 30 5
892 Today...(today, today), I consider myself (self, self) the luckiest baby (baby, baby) on the face of the earth (earth, earth)! 1.3175 0.05121 126 93 26 7
893 I'll be here all year. 1.3175 0.04995 126 92 28 6
894 Look, his first attempt at stand up! 1.3175 0.04867 126 91 30 5
895 Now...to be successful... he must learn how to aggressively interrupt the other children. 1.3175 0.04598 126 89 34 3
896 Especially considering the Feldsteins' Joey didn't perform his first monolog until he was three and a half. 1.3175 0.04995 126 92 28 6
897 He promises to make his daycare center great again. 1.3175 0.04458 126 88 36 2
898 At least someone doesn't have performance anxiety. 1.3167 0.05421 120 90 22 8
899 Did you hear that? He said 'testing!'" 1.3150 0.05208 127 95 24 8
900 The doctor did say he's in the 97th percentile for speech development. 1.3150 0.04569 127 90 34 3
901 Great ! Now how do we stop it ? 1.3150 0.05208 127 95 24 8
902 His performance style is surprisingly sophisticated in its simplicity, but somebody should do something about the smell.” 1.3145 0.05039 124 91 27 6
903 I just crawled in from the living room and boy are my arms tired. But seriously folks... 1.3130 0.04976 131 97 27 7
904 I just knew conceiving him after date night at the Karaoke bar would lead to something 1.3115 0.04950 122 89 28 5
905 Honey, we've got ourselves a little podcaster! 1.3115 0.05085 122 90 26 6
906 Well, his first word was "bigly." 1.3115 0.05216 122 91 24 7
907 Last week I said "Stand up" and now he's got a solid ten minute set down at the Comedy Store. 1.3115 0.04950 122 89 28 5
908 Our baby’s gone straight from crawling to stand-up! 1.3115 0.05085 122 90 26 6
909 Thank you, thank you.....I'll be here all night. 1.3115 0.05085 122 90 26 6
910 Say what you will about inexperience, but he's definitely outperforming Biden. 1.3115 0.04811 122 88 30 4
911 This is the only room he can play after saying nap time was a social construct. 1.3115 0.05085 122 90 26 6
912 The aristocrats! 1.3115 0.05216 122 91 24 7
913 So what’s the deal with burping?! First the bottom, then the mouth, sometimes the nose..Where’s it all coming from.. no seriously folks. 1.3115 0.05151 122 93 21 8
914 I think he's about to say his first words! 1.3115 0.05216 122 91 24 7
915 so both my parents walk into my room right... 1.3115 0.05344 122 92 22 8
916 I think he's close to saying his first word! 1.3115 0.04740 122 95 19 8
917 Honey, our baby is about to say his first joke. 1.3115 0.04950 122 89 28 5
918 Reporting live undercover from day fifty-three of captivity; this is baby Dave, signing off. 1.3115 0.05085 122 90 26 6
919 With a comb-over and a twitter account I see a great future for him. 1.3115 0.05216 122 91 24 7
920 Look, he's giving his inaugural address! 1.3115 0.05344 122 92 22 8
921 Oh honey, his first ted talk 1.3115 0.05216 122 91 24 7
922 I promise six-months paid maternity leave! 1.3115 0.05216 122 91 24 7
923 Thanks folks! I'll be here for the next 40 years! 1.3115 0.04668 122 87 32 3
924 I think he's ready for Iowa! 1.3115 0.05085 122 90 26 6
925 He’s so much more himself when he’s off the TelePrompTer, don’t you think? 1.3115 0.04950 122 89 28 5
926 I know he’s only in time out, but it’s so cute to hear him fight against putting kids in cages. 1.3115 0.05470 122 93 20 9
927 Honey...should we worry about early onset of narcissism? 1.3115 0.05216 122 91 24 7
928 I guess we'll have a put in a brick accent wall. 1.3115 0.05344 122 92 22 8
929 He's practicing his Stand-up routine! 1.3115 0.04668 122 87 32 3
930 He can babble with the best Congress has to offer. 1.3115 0.05592 122 94 18 10
931 I tell ya, I get no respect. 1.3115 0.05344 122 92 22 8
932 Hey guys, thanks for watching, don’t forget to like this video, hit the subscribe button, and leave a comment below. 1.3115 0.05085 122 90 26 6
933 Now hear this. One more spoonful of pureed prunes and there will be hell to pay. 1.3115 0.04950 122 89 28 5
934 Look honey. We’re making America great again 1.3115 0.05216 122 91 24 7
935 Oh honey, his first words, "Ladies and Gentlemen". 1.3115 0.05216 122 91 24 7
936 Who thought that ADHD could have such an upside? 1.3115 0.05085 122 90 26 6
937 He already has 500 followers from his first podcast! 1.3115 0.05085 122 90 26 6
938 Oh look, his first spoof of a Trump parade! 1.3115 0.05216 122 91 24 7
939 Look honey, the baby sings the blues! 1.3115 0.05085 122 90 26 6
940 He's already doing stand-up. 1.3115 0.05470 122 93 20 9
941 Looks like we got a Neil Diamond instead of a Neil Armstrong. 1.3115 0.05085 122 90 26 6
942 I’m so proud!!...this is his first ‘State of my diaper’ address!... 1.3115 0.05216 122 91 24 7
943 'Listen, honey! He's just said his first retraction!' 1.3115 0.04950 122 89 28 5
944 He’s opening for his older brother. 1.3115 0.05344 122 92 22 8
945 He's announcing for the Democratic primary! 1.3115 0.03961 122 95 21 6
946 Thanks for coming by folks, we're gonna be here all morning. 1.3115 0.04520 122 86 34 2
947 His first false campaign promise! 1.3115 0.05344 122 92 22 8
948 I prefer his older material. 1.3115 0.05085 122 90 26 6
949 Well you did say no to a wireless baby monitor. 1.3115 0.05470 122 93 20 9
950 He's going to make daycare great again, isn't he? 1.3115 0.05085 122 90 26 6
951 How could he have already lobbied, leveraged, and lied so much? 1.3115 0.04950 122 89 28 5
952 Mr. Dada, tear down this wall. 1.3115 0.05592 122 94 18 10
953 He can not only stand up, he can DO stand-up!! 1.3115 0.05085 122 90 26 6
954 Funny. But must our sex life be part of his routine? 1.3115 0.05216 122 91 24 7
955 Honey, she owns the 0 to 12 months demographic! 1.3115 0.05470 122 93 20 9
956 He believes that he is the big Baby that floats in the sky. 1.3115 0.05470 122 93 20 9
957 Last week potty trained, and now this ! 1.3115 0.04950 122 89 28 5
958 Honey!, his first monologue! 1.3115 0.04950 122 89 28 5
959 He supports social security! 1.3115 0.04950 122 89 28 5
960 Fred, he's lying already and can't even vote yet! 1.3115 0.05216 122 91 24 7
961 It's so cute when he says "My fellow Amewwicans"! 1.3115 0.05216 122 91 24 7
962 Bet you $10 that his first words will be, "My fellow Americans"! 1.3115 0.04950 122 89 28 5
963 Now, how about a big hand for my parents, Maggie and Bill 1.3115 0.05018 122 92 23 7
964 Clean up to crib aisle. 1.3115 0.05344 122 92 22 8
965 We probably should have taught him to speak before we gave him the microphone. 1.3115 0.05085 122 90 26 6
966 Honey! He just said his first fake news! 1.3115 0.04950 122 89 28 5
967 We are adding “babbled to Mozart at 6 months” to his preschool application! 1.3115 0.04950 122 89 28 5
968 He’ll never tell his shrink he didn’t feel heard. 1.3109 0.05303 119 89 23 7
969 I just want to be sure we hear his first word. 1.3095 0.04972 126 93 27 6
970 I am Mommy's Bundle of Joy, and I endorse this message. 1.3091 0.05285 110 81 24 5
971 And he only charges a two-bottle minimum! 1.3089 0.04637 123 88 32 3
972 So cute: take my diaper...please! 1.3089 0.05307 123 93 22 8
973 Our progeny's a prodigy! 1.3089 0.05180 123 92 24 7
974 Oh honey, his first sound check! 1.3089 0.05049 123 91 26 6
975 Just knew we did the right thing naming him after my brothers ..... Lenny & Bruce 1.3089 0.05049 123 91 26 6
976 He already lacks enough intellect to be President of the United States 1.3089 0.05552 123 95 18 10
977 My parade will have tanks. 1.3089 0.04637 123 88 32 3
978 And look honey, he doesn't even need to rely on crib notes! 1.3089 0.05180 123 92 24 7
979 Did you hear that, Honey? His first words were, ‘I don’t get no respect!’ 1.3089 0.05431 123 94 20 9
980 Honey! Did you hear that?! Our baby’s a liberal! 1.3089 0.04916 123 90 28 5
981 He's taping his latest TEDdy Bear Talk: Tots Behind Bars -- End the Injustice. 1.3089 0.05307 123 93 22 8
982 And what's with that plastic nipple they want me to suck on? Gross! 1.3083 0.05265 120 90 23 7
983 Look, Dear. He's babbling gibberish into the microphone we got him. He'll make a fine politician someday. 1.3083 0.05397 120 91 21 8
984 How exciting! He's spoken his first lie. 1.3083 0.04992 120 88 27 5
985 Why not?! It’s really true, anyone can be president. 1.3083 0.05265 120 90 23 7
986 In eighteen years these bars might be higher.... am I right... am I right? 1.3083 0.04992 120 88 27 5
987 Just six months old, and he’s already pandering!!! 1.3083 0.04992 120 88 27 5
988 Aren’t you thrilled? We’re recording his first YouTube video. 1.3083 0.05397 120 91 21 8
989 Now all we have to do is traumatize him for 20 years. 1.3083 0.04704 120 86 31 3
990 He just told his first lie! 1.3083 0.05650 120 93 17 10
991 Listen,dear, she’s practicing her TEDDY TALK! 1.3083 0.05650 120 93 17 10
992 He's going after the youth vote. 1.3083 0.04850 120 87 29 4
993 I love it when he raps about his crib 1.3083 0.04992 120 88 27 5
994 In the year 2079, I will be the same age as the current president. Can I count on your vote? 1.3083 0.05525 120 92 19 9
995 You see Dear....I TOLD you leaving Fox News on all day wouldn't do any harm. 1.3083 0.04992 120 88 27 5
996 Not even crawling yet and already doing standup comedy! 1.3083 0.05265 120 90 23 7
997 Look, Harold! It’s his very first Open Crib night! 1.3083 0.05131 120 89 25 6
998 I'm kinda in the middle of something here, mom 1.3056 0.05652 108 82 19 7
999 Choose me, and we'll reach for the things that hang from the ceiling. 1.3051 0.05178 118 88 24 6
1000 I’m so proud of him. He’s polling ahead of Bernie Sanders after the last debate. 1.3051 0.04890 118 86 28 4
1001 He's right, diaper rash is an issue that politicians have been ignoring for far too long. 1.3051 0.05178 118 88 24 6
1002 ... and when I'm elected, I will create a Space Force. 1.3051 0.05316 118 89 22 7
1003 The 2052 Primaries will be here before we know it. 1.3051 0.05316 118 89 22 7
1004 Just think, maybe some day we'll be the proud parents of someone that no parent will want their daughter to be listening to. 1.3051 0.05178 118 88 24 6
1005 Only 14 months and he’s already abandoned prop comedy for observational humor! 1.3051 0.05178 118 88 24 6
1006 In that moment,Dad realized he would spend a lifetime being one of two audience members in attendance at his son's poetry readings. 1.3051 0.05316 118 89 22 7
1007 Just be yourself if you get upset during the debate, throw a tantrum and name calling. 1.3051 0.05451 118 90 20 8
1008 We can burp him after he finishes his podcast. 1.3051 0.05316 118 89 22 7
1009 His lack of vocabulary and wisdom hasn't at all prevented him from gaining political popularity. 1.3051 0.05036 118 87 26 5
1010 We should have been more careful in selecting a sperm donor. 1.3051 0.05178 118 88 24 6
1011 And what's the deal with those immunizations? Does anyone even know what a Rubella is? 1.3051 0.05451 118 90 20 8
1012 Gee, he really DOES look like Winston Churchill! 1.3051 0.05316 118 89 22 7
1013 Thanks, I'll be here all week. 1.3051 0.04890 118 86 28 4
1014 I’m tough on nap-time, tough on the causes of nap-time. 1.3051 0.05178 118 88 24 6
1015 Look honey, it's literally his first stand up performance! 1.3051 0.05316 118 89 22 7
1016 I’m practicing my stand-up 1.3051 0.04890 118 86 28 4
1017 His Poll numbers went up. He promised everyone free diapers. 1.3051 0.05178 118 88 24 6
1018 Oh, dear, doesn’t he look so perfectly presidential? 1.3051 0.05036 118 87 26 5
1019 He’s getting so bigly! 1.3051 0.05316 118 89 22 7
1020 Aw, look Honey. He'll be denying misconduct allegations in no time. 1.3051 0.05316 118 89 22 7
1021 He's already lying at a senate level! 1.3051 0.05451 118 90 20 8
1022 I knew stand-up was in his future. 1.3051 0.05036 118 87 26 5
1023 He’s playing here all week. 1.3051 0.05316 118 89 22 7
1024 I thought the amniocentesis showed he was a Democrat! 1.3051 0.04890 118 86 28 4
1025 Testing: goo-goo, ga-ga 1.3051 0.05178 118 88 24 6
1026 That's right folks, I call it my stand-up routine because...well, I just learned to stand up. 1.3051 0.05178 118 88 24 6
1027 I feel so much love in this room. 1.3051 0.05316 118 89 22 7
1028 Oh No! He's playing 4th of July Trump again! 1.3051 0.05710 118 92 16 10
1029 My next guest is a terrific young comedian from Daycare 1.3051 0.05451 118 90 20 8
1030 I'm so proud. He jut announced he will be a candidate for President in 2056. 1.3051 0.05451 118 90 20 8
1031 Baby's first TED Talk! 1.3051 0.05178 118 88 24 6
1032 Attention Parent Shoppers, Cleanup Needed on Isle of One. 1.3051 0.05451 118 90 20 8
1033 You’ve been a great audience. Don’t forget to tip my parents on your way out! 1.3051 0.05178 118 88 24 6
1034 He’s finally taking pre-k applications seriously! 1.3051 0.05451 118 90 20 8
1035 This is so much better than his sit-up comedy routine. 1.3051 0.04740 118 85 30 3
1036 Look! He already knows how to lie! 1.3043 0.05548 115 88 19 8
1037 Don't interrupt him! He's getting ready for his Netflix special. 1.3043 0.05265 115 86 23 6
1038 Let’s welcome today’s guests, all the way from the living room, it’s Mama and Dada. 1.3043 0.05119 115 85 25 5
1039 Is it me or does his crying sound just like Congress? 1.3043 0.05548 115 88 19 8
1040 Now that he's officially entered the race I hope they move up the starting time of the next debates because the first two were after his bedtime. 1.3043 0.04811 115 83 29 3
1041 He's standing now, but in 2020 he could run! 1.3043 0.05548 115 88 19 8
1042 He’s already testifying! 1.3043 0.05265 115 86 23 6
1043 He sure takes after his real father. 1.3043 0.05816 115 90 15 10
1044 Wanna thank Mom and Dad for being here...for my opening number I'd like to perform..."Send In the Clowns" 1.3043 0.05408 115 87 21 7
1045 His babbling is so presidential! 1.3043 0.05548 115 88 19 8
1046 Free Bird again; he gets the sarcasm from you. 1.3043 0.05265 115 86 23 6
1047 Isn't that cute? He's running for the Democratic nomination. 1.3043 0.04967 115 84 27 4
1048 He sounds just like the president! 1.3043 0.05548 115 88 19 8
1049 OH LOOK! Little Donald's pretending to be President! 1.3043 0.05683 115 89 17 9
1050 He went straight from standing to stand-up. 1.3043 0.04967 115 84 27 4
1051 My parents flew in to see the show tonight and boy are their arms tired. 1.3043 0.05408 115 87 21 7
1052 Does a great "Melancholy Baby." 1.3043 0.05548 115 88 19 8
1053 Our boy does have the right stuff for that preschool. 1.3043 0.05265 115 86 23 6
1054 ...and, in closing, I want to give a shout-out to my num-num, my pee-pee and my poopie. 1.3043 0.04967 115 84 27 4
1055 Alexa, are my parents unaware you already record everything I say? 1.3043 0.04967 115 84 27 4
1056 He has so much fresh material! 1.3043 0.04650 115 82 31 2
1057 He mentioned us when he thanked the Academy! 1.3043 0.04967 115 84 27 4
1058 Erysipelas. E-R-Y-S-I-P-E-L-A-S. 1.3043 0.05408 115 87 21 7
1059 So, I told them, you've got my nose, but I've got your life. 1.3043 0.04967 115 84 27 4
1060 Shhh. He’s just gone live. 1.3043 0.05548 115 88 19 8
1061 Our retirement is starting to shape up. 1.3043 0.05119 115 85 25 5
1062 Now do you believe me about what happened in that dressing room at Bergdorf’s? 1.3043 0.05548 115 88 19 8
1063 Look! Our little Mussolini has found his first balcony. 1.3043 0.05265 115 86 23 6
1064 I'll be here all week, don't forget to try the carrot puree. 1.3043 0.04220 115 87 24 4
1065 Well, if he doesn't have what it takes to be a YouTube celebrity, he could always be a congressman. 1.3043 0.05683 115 89 17 9
1066 Well, that’s all for tonight. Come back for our next show at 2 a.m.! 1.3043 0.04650 115 82 31 2
1067 Wait until Simon Cowell hears this! 1.3043 0.05119 115 85 25 5
1068 For his second birthday let's get him a teleprompter. 1.3043 0.05265 115 86 23 6
1069 Be right back after a quick diaper change. 1.3043 0.05265 115 86 23 6
1070 Oh honey, it's his first State of the Nursery address. 1.3043 0.05408 115 87 21 7
1071 Oh, isn't that wonderful? Little Billy's July 4th speech is so much better than President Trump's and it didn't cost the taxpayers one penny! 1.3043 0.05408 115 87 21 7
1072 Why don't you listen to me, tear down this wall 1.3036 0.05505 112 85 20 7
1073 He hasn't even crawled and he's already doing stand-up! 1.3036 0.05048 112 82 26 4
1074 ...and that’s why I believe I would make an excellent Presidential candidate.” 1.3028 0.05453 109 82 21 6
1075 The doctor says he's in the 95th percentile for rhetoric! 1.3025 0.05277 119 90 22 7
1076 Trump really seems to like his new office! 1.3017 0.05437 116 91 16 9
1077 So much for the baby monitor! 1.3017 0.05081 116 86 25 5
1078 Thanks I’ll be here all night. 1.3017 0.05081 116 86 25 5
1079 Who do I have to bite to get a diaper around here? 1.3009 0.05166 113 84 24 5
1080 "We choose to clean our room and to do the otha things around the house, not because they are easy, but because they are hahd. 1.3009 0.05316 113 85 22 6
1081 He's outgrown the baby monitor 1.3009 0.05316 113 85 22 6
1082 Imagine, stand-up before he's even walking! 1.3009 0.05463 113 86 20 7
1083 Ich bin ein Berliner 1.3009 0.05606 113 87 18 8
1084 Arnold, it wasn’t your sperm after all! 1.3009 0.05316 113 85 22 6
1085 You’ve been a wonderful audience, stick around for my second act once I get my diaper changed! 1.3009 0.05606 113 87 18 8
1086 Lenny, don't say "but seriously folks" unless it really is serious. 1.3009 0.04512 113 80 32 1
1087 Look Honey! Isn't he just electable?" 1.3009 0.05316 113 85 22 6
1088 Don’t you think it’s tome we had a toddler for president and not an infant? 1.3009 0.05745 113 88 16 9
1089 Well, at least he’s a Democrat 1.3000 0.05093 110 81 25 4
1090 Mom, Dad ... This is your life! 1.2982 0.05421 114 87 20 7
1091 He's announcing his candidacy!! 1.2976 0.06511 84 65 13 6
1092 I thought he was only learning to stand up. 1.2973 0.05214 111 83 23 5
1093 We’re so blessed to have a baby who sings himself to sleep. 1.2973 0.05368 111 84 21 6
1094 It'll be an issue if he drops the mike. 1.2973 0.05214 111 83 23 5
1095 I think we may not need that college education fund at all. 1.2973 0.05054 111 82 25 4
1096 How do you turn this on? 1.2973 0.05808 111 87 15 9
1097 Who figured he could do stand-up before he could crawl? 1.2973 0.05368 111 84 21 6
1098 This daycare for politicians is worth every penny! 1.2973 0.05214 111 83 23 5
1099 His agent says he has a great crib presence. 1.2973 0.05054 111 82 25 4
1100 RODNEY DANGERFIELD; The Early Years "I TELL YA... I DON'T GET NO WEESPECT!" 1.2973 0.05054 111 82 25 4
1101 No one is looking out for the little guy, so that’s why I’m announcing my candidacy for the Democratic Nominee. 1.2973 0.05519 111 85 19 7
1102 Don't you see?! Starting his showbiz career now means he'll be out of rehab by the time he reaches first grade! 1.2973 0.04889 111 81 27 3
1103 Early polls have him in the lead. 1.2973 0.05368 111 84 21 6
1104 I'd like to announce my candidacy for President of the United States in the 2020 election. 1.2973 0.05054 111 82 25 4
1105 It is kind of scary that his first words were "My Fellow Americans." 1.2973 0.05665 111 86 17 8
1106 One small step for a man - one enormous step for a baby. 1.2973 0.05368 111 84 21 6
1107 He just threw his teddy in the ring, he's running for President. 1.2973 0.05519 111 85 19 7
1108 I told you listening to This American Life in utero would pay off. 1.2973 0.05368 111 84 21 6
1109 He already looks presidential. 1.2963 0.05305 108 81 22 5
1110 Please send help. I’m behind bars. 1.2963 0.06677 81 63 12 6
1111 It's his first stand-up! 1.2952 0.05228 105 78 23 4
1112 He's about to announce which college team he'll play for. 1.2946 0.04853 112 82 27 3
1113 ...and now, a few words from the newest Democratic Presidential nominee! 1.2946 0.05621 112 87 17 8
1114 Tell you what: I'll take milk from Mommy's breast over the stewed peaches from a plastic spoon any day! And have you tried the mashed peas?! 1.2946 0.04853 112 82 27 3
1115 Look honey! He’s standing up. 1.2946 0.05621 112 87 17 8
1116 He’s going to make kindergarten great again. 1.2946 0.05174 112 84 23 5
1117 Definitely presidential material 1.2946 0.05327 112 85 21 6
1118 Our boy got enough new donors to be a part of the next Democratic debate! 1.2946 0.04684 112 81 29 2
1119 I am so proud, Dear. It's his first live podcast! 1.2946 0.05016 112 83 25 4
1120 First of all, I'd like to thank my parents; without whom I wouln't be here. 1.2946 0.04853 112 82 27 3
1121 Baby monitors are so 2009 1.2946 0.04853 112 82 27 3
1122 Oh, look honey, his first stand up." 1.2946 0.05476 112 86 19 7
1123 Look Howard, he's a stable genius. 1.2946 0.05476 112 86 19 7
1124 Just think how much better he'll sound when he can actually talk. 1.2946 0.04853 112 82 27 3
1125 Two babies walk into a bar.... 1.2946 0.05327 112 85 21 6
1126 His first attempt at stand up. 1.2946 0.05174 112 84 23 5
1127 Just yesterday he was crawling. Today he’s doing stand-up. 1.2946 0.05621 112 87 17 8
1128 I just hope he isn't still breastfeeding by the time he starts doing interviews. 1.2946 0.05174 112 84 23 5
1129 I ain't nothing but a hound dog, cryin' all the time. 1.2946 0.04853 112 82 27 3
1130 Look, honey! He’s playing Democratic debate again. 1.2946 0.05016 112 83 25 4
1131 And here they are! Two of my most fantastic supporters, and I gotta tell you the truth, they are extraordinary, beautiful, really great people to who we all owe tons of gratitude... 1.2946 0.05476 112 86 19 7
1132 He's so advanced! Most kids don't start podcasting until 18 months... 1.2946 0.05327 112 85 21 6
1133 Oh, look, John, he's ready for the primaries! 1.2946 0.05476 112 86 19 7
1134 Warning: The Surgeon General advises limiting the amount of U-Tube viewing during pregnancy. 1.2946 0.05476 112 86 19 7
1135 Baby’s first filibuster!!!! 1.2946 0.05327 112 85 21 6
1136 C’mon honey, it’s not like he’s the only one talking gibberish. 1.2946 0.05476 112 86 19 7
1137 He can speak Chinese! 1.2946 0.05327 112 85 21 6
1138 Dada.dadadada...I have all the BEST words... 1.2946 0.05174 112 84 23 5
1139 Awww, his first stand up. 1.2946 0.05476 112 86 19 7
1140 Well honey, we should have seen this coming. Before he can walk he's gotta learn to stand up. 1.2946 0.04853 112 82 27 3
1141 Yes, I'm sure he said 'Lock her up'! 1.2946 0.05476 112 86 19 7
1142 Ever notice how parents get all stupid and excited whenever they see you standing up on your own? It's enough to make you wanna vomit...again. Huh? Am I right, infants? Am I right? 1.2946 0.05016 112 83 25 4
1143 See, give him a microphone and his insecurities disappear . He could grow up to be President! 1.2946 0.05174 112 84 23 5
1144 What a genius. Soon he'll be able to afford his own crib. 1.2936 0.05099 109 81 24 4
1145 What don't you get about "I need my diaper changed?" 1.2936 0.05422 109 83 20 6
1146 Is the baby monitor on? 1.2936 0.05263 109 82 22 5
1147 Thank you for coming. 1.2936 0.05422 109 83 20 6
1148 I'm glad we redecorated the Oval Office for the State of the Union Address. 1.2936 0.05422 109 83 20 6
1149 I told you it would help him with his stand up. 1.2936 0.05422 109 83 20 6
1150 You in the back. Grow up! 1.2936 0.04929 109 80 26 3
1151 Baby Gaga! 1.2936 0.05263 109 82 22 5
1152 I just knew he’d open with ‘fly me to the moon.’ 1.2936 0.05099 109 81 24 4
1153 Look honey, he's performing his first stand up all by himself! 1.2936 0.05263 109 82 22 5
1154 He's here every night! 1.2936 0.05422 109 83 20 6
1155 Shh. He's about to say his first word. 1.2936 0.05263 109 82 22 5
1156 Is this what they meant when they said there would be Late Nights? 1.2936 0.04929 109 80 26 3
1157 He said he will colonize Mars, end all war, and balance the budget as soon as we change his diaper. 1.2936 0.05422 109 83 20 6
1158 I think he's ready for his first TED talk! 1.2936 0.05576 109 84 18 7
1159 Look honey, he's got your father's incoherent grandstanding genes! 1.2936 0.05422 109 83 20 6
1160 He's so smart he's not even using crib notes. 1.2936 0.05422 109 83 20 6
1161 I think he's about to announce his choice of sexual identity! 1.2936 0.05263 109 82 22 5
1162 My mom said I should move onto solids. I said, don't do yourself down, they're still pretty firm 1.2936 0.05873 109 86 14 9
1163 Just think: as soon as he is potty trained he will be running for office! 1.2936 0.05263 109 82 22 5
1164 He has your idiot savantness. 1.2936 0.05263 109 82 22 5
1165 I've already trademarked "Justin Bébé!" 1.2936 0.05263 109 82 22 5
1166 That's okay, I haven't heard of me either. 1.2936 0.05099 109 81 24 4
1167 Just think what he'll sound like when he learns words, honey! 1.2936 0.05263 109 82 22 5
1168 ...that among these are — life, liberty, and stoking my infantile urges. 1.2936 0.04929 109 80 26 3
1169 He already has five thousand followers. 1.2936 0.05422 109 83 20 6
1170 He's debating his teddy bear about when bedtime should be. Our little future president. 1.2936 0.05263 109 82 22 5
1171 They grow up so fast, don’t they? Yesterday his baby talk was unbearably cute. Today he’s almost finished dumbing down his base. 1.2936 0.05099 109 81 24 4
1172 He's doing stand-up before he can stand up! 1.2936 0.05576 109 84 18 7
1173 I get no respect at all. In preschool I share a locker with a broom. 1.2936 0.05727 109 85 16 8
1174 See, he's mastered stand-up! 1.2936 0.05422 109 83 20 6
1175 He told his first lie! 1.2936 0.04929 109 80 26 3
1176 He distinctly said DaDa. Our boy is an art critic! 1.2936 0.04929 109 80 26 3
1177 The Continental Army suffered a bitter winter of Valley Forge....It rammed the ramparts, it took over the airports, it did everything it had to do … 1.2936 0.05576 109 84 18 7
1178 He's telling a lot of "mama" jokes 1.2936 0.05263 109 82 22 5
1179 Take my parents - - please! 1.2936 0.05576 109 84 18 7
1180 Yo momma is so dumb, she didn’t realize Bert and Ernie were lovers. 1.2936 0.04929 109 80 26 3
1181 He gets it from me. 1.2936 0.05099 109 81 24 4
1182 I knew we were right to name him Mike. 1.2936 0.05576 109 84 18 7
1183 So I says, sleep? SLEEP?! Talk to me in 18 years! 1.2936 0.05099 109 81 24 4
1184 I think the President will love his new spokesman! 1.2936 0.05576 109 84 18 7
1185 Now that Daddy’s home, tell Mommy again what you saw Daddy doing with the Nanny. 1.2936 0.05422 109 83 20 6
1186 I'm so glad we got that karaoke machine. 1.2936 0.05099 109 81 24 4
1187 Aspiring to be a day time host would have been so much easier. 1.2936 0.04929 109 80 26 3
1188 He was born to do stand-up. 1.2925 0.05186 106 79 23 4
1189 His demographic is pretty much cradle to grave. 1.2925 0.05682 106 82 17 7
1190 OK, I have time for one last question. 1.2925 0.05522 106 81 19 6
1191 It’s part of his bedtime routine 1.2925 0.05186 106 79 23 4
1192 I'm so proud; he fired his first teddy bear today! 1.2913 0.05627 103 79 18 6
1193 How do you know your Daddy's a redneck, Darling? 1.2913 0.05455 103 78 20 5
1194 He said, "But seriously"! 1.2913 0.05278 103 77 22 4
1195 Thanks very much, folks. I'm Baby Gaga. 1.2913 0.05627 103 79 18 6
1196 He's rapping about his crib! 1.2913 0.05793 103 80 16 7
1197 Alert TMZ I'm in the DMZ! And remove the McCain ship from my mobile! 1.2913 0.05793 103 80 16 7
1198 All of the diapers iv'e changed and he wants us to pay admission! 1.2913 0.05627 103 79 18 6
1199 Did you hear that?! He just gave his first late-night monologue! 1.2913 0.05455 103 78 20 5
1200 'Hello Cleveland.' 1.2913 0.05793 103 80 16 7
1201 Thank you! You've been a great audience, I'd love to invite you all back to my crib for a nightcap. 1.2913 0.05094 103 76 24 3
1202 I'd like to thank the Academy. 1.2913 0.05627 103 79 18 6
1203 Our Creator changed me, and I was made like new. But I've sullied myself. Yes, I, like this Teddy before you, am fallen. Change me, O Holy One, and I shall be made clean! I look to the Light, for comfort comes each dawn. Someone say amen! 1.2913 0.05793 103 80 16 7
1204 And now my very first word will be...... 1.2913 0.05455 103 78 20 5
1205 Make yourselves right at home. folks, I'll be here for the next seventeen years. 1.2913 0.05627 103 79 18 6
1206 And the winner is: Dad’s turn to change my diaper 1.2913 0.05455 103 78 20 5
1207 I have a feeling Timmy will say his first word today, but let’s not pressure him. 1.2913 0.05455 103 78 20 5
1208 I come to bury Caesar not to praise him. 1.2913 0.05793 103 80 16 7
1209 Freud didn't write about this developmental stage! 1.2913 0.05627 103 79 18 6
1210 He's either got a poopie diaper or he's declared war on North Korea. I'm not sure which. 1.2913 0.05455 103 78 20 5
1211 And you thought we’d have to pay for college. 1.2913 0.05278 103 77 22 4
1212 Now all he needs is a Twitter account. 1.2913 0.05278 103 77 22 4
1213 See? I knew if we just waited a little longer he'd sing Nessun Dorma! 1.2913 0.05455 103 78 20 5
1214 Stan we're watching too much cable news. Literally everyone in the country believes they can get up on that debate stage and challenge the President. 1.2913 0.05278 103 77 22 4
1215 Thank you David Letterboy! 1.2913 0.05278 103 77 22 4
1216 The name's Jason, and I'm here every night 1.2913 0.05455 103 78 20 5
1217 Stop me if you've heard this one before. 1.2913 0.05793 103 80 16 7
1218 I see my parents are in the audience tonight, they look about one more "netflix and chill" evenings away from divorce 1.2913 0.05793 103 80 16 7
1219 I'd like to dedicate my next vocalization to my parents, who have always been my biggest fans. 1.2913 0.05627 103 79 18 6
1220 His first insult! 1.2913 0.05793 103 80 16 7
1221 Best baby monitor ever 1.2911 0.06280 79 60 15 4
1222 Look honey, his first podcast! 1.2909 0.05222 110 83 22 5
1223 Susan, I'm not sure you should have binge-watched "The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel" while you were pregnant. 1.2909 0.05379 110 84 20 6
1224 But seriously, folks...how do you guys breathe if I have your nose and her mouth? 1.2909 0.05222 110 83 22 5
1225 Here's Johnny! 1.2909 0.05059 110 82 24 4
1226 This is how Jerry Seinfeld got started. 1.2909 0.05059 110 82 24 4
1227 He performed the sound check all by himself. 1.2909 0.05379 110 84 20 6
1228 It's so nice he has moved on to Roosevelt! Lincoln's gettysburg was getting a little too familiar..... 1.2909 0.05222 110 83 22 5
1229 Look honey, I gave birth to a Congressman! 1.2909 0.04718 110 80 28 2
1230 Live! from New York, its Saturday Night! 1.2909 0.05532 110 85 18 7
1231 Finally! A platform to communicate with Republicans! 1.2909 0.05379 110 84 20 6
1232 I felt the bit about watching us have sex was kind of unnecessary. 1.2909 0.05059 110 82 24 4
1233 His eating mud bit always kills. 1.2909 0.05222 110 83 22 5
1234 Honey! It's his very first conspiracy rant! 1.2909 0.05379 110 84 20 6
1235 Welcome to my crib. My next song is a sleeper hit. 1.2909 0.05059 110 82 24 4
1236 I just love it when he says,"My fellow Americans." 1.2909 0.04892 110 81 26 3
1237 When you said baby rap I thought you meant a blanket. 1.2909 0.05379 110 84 20 6
1238 One small step for Mom and Dad; one giant leap for Teddy 1.2909 0.04718 110 80 28 2
1239 Well the delivery was awful, but the vocals are terrific ! 1.2909 0.04718 110 80 28 2
1240 Now aren't you glad we named him Mike? 1.2909 0.05379 110 84 20 6
1241 A Presidential contender! 1.2909 0.05059 110 82 24 4
1242 I told you he was going to be the voice of his generation ! 1.2909 0.05059 110 82 24 4
1243 From infancy to candidacy. I told you he's gifted. 1.2909 0.05379 110 84 20 6
1244 Finally - his first words! "No comment" 1.2909 0.04892 110 81 26 3
1245 Wow, we really nailed it by naming him DJ! 1.2909 0.05532 110 85 18 7
1246 It's America's Next Top Toddler. 1.2909 0.05222 110 83 22 5
1247 Perfect timing... for my next song I’d like to sing “Born in the USA”. 1.2909 0.05059 110 82 24 4
1248 I'd book him a nightclub gig, but it would be way past his bedtime. 1.2909 0.05059 110 82 24 4
1249 Is it too soon to bring him to the FOX News Broadcast Center? 1.2909 0.05532 110 85 18 7
1250 Yes, it’s true I’m afraid. My understanding of the world, human history and relations and even economics is immeasurably more sophisticated, comprehensive and nuanced than the ethically bereft fraud that somehow got elected by you. ...bottle please 1.2909 0.05826 110 87 14 9
1251 Which do you think it will be? Mamma or Dadda? 1.2909 0.05222 110 83 22 5
1252 I'm more of a boob man, myself. 1.2909 0.05826 110 87 14 9
1253 It works, but not as well as your poop jokes. 1.2909 0.05301 110 86 17 7
1254 Honey, it's his first time doing stand-up. 1.2900 0.05911 100 78 15 7
1255 The jokes aren't bad but I don't care for the potty mouth. 1.2885 0.05744 104 81 16 7
1256 Folks, we'll be right back with the weather after a brief diaper change. 1.2885 0.05409 104 79 20 5
1257 Awwwwwwww! His first word... "Impeachment." 1.2885 0.05744 104 81 16 7
1258 Did you hear that? He just said "fake news"! 1.2885 0.05905 104 82 14 8
1259 It's his first state of our union speech! 1.2885 0.05579 104 80 18 6
1260 Shhh... he’s doing his podcast. 1.2885 0.05744 104 81 16 7
1261 Darling, I think he has a chance!! 1.2885 0.05579 104 80 18 6
1262 We can quit our jobs! 1.2885 0.05744 104 81 16 7
1263 He said his first lie today! 1.2885 0.04668 104 75 28 1
1264 Good Morning Viet Nam! 1.2883 0.05635 111 87 16 8
1265 I’d like to thank you Mom and Dad. You’ve been a great audience. I’ll be appearing here at ‘The Crib’ tomorrow night at the same time. By the way, a stool with a bottle of water would be appreciated. My name’s Dickie and good night. 1.2870 0.05432 108 83 19 6
1266 That microphone is a much better long-term investment than any of those baby monitors. 1.2870 0.05432 108 83 19 6
1267 When I say come and get me I mean COME GET ME! 1.2870 0.05432 108 83 19 6
1268 It's perfect. Now when he can't sleep he can podcast. 1.2870 0.05432 108 83 19 6
1269 Isn't it amazing? He's the President's new speechwriter. 1.2870 0.05432 108 83 19 6
1270 It's not too early for him to declare his candidacy for 2056. 1.2870 0.05589 108 84 17 7
1271 To represent the youth vote- Today I am announcing my canidateship for the President of America; now will someone change me. 1.2870 0.04931 108 80 25 3
1272 Oh honey, I smell a sitcom! 1.2870 0.05104 108 81 23 4
1273 I can‘t wait until he starts talking so we can find out what political party he represents! 1.2870 0.05104 108 81 23 4
1274 Tap Tap. “Mama. Dadda. Poop.” 1.2870 0.05589 108 84 17 7
1275 I know his jokes are scatological, but I think he's really funny! 1.2870 0.04931 108 80 25 3
1276 Awww See? He said Grab em in the pussy! Just like our President! - said no parent ever 1.2870 0.05589 108 84 17 7
1277 Isn't this wonderful, dear? He just spoke his first truthful words. 1.2870 0.05589 108 84 17 7
1278 I guess he wasn't getting enough views on the baby monitor. 1.2870 0.04753 108 79 27 2
1279 It's the largest audience ever to witness an inauguration! 1.2870 0.05271 108 82 21 5
1280 I want to wake up in that city That doesn't sleep And find I'm king of the hill Top of the heap 1.2870 0.05271 108 82 21 5
1281 I heard him! "One giant poop for mankind!" 1.2870 0.05432 108 83 19 6
1282 He says “dropped baby” jokes are derivative. 1.2870 0.05104 108 81 23 4
1283 This is so much better than a baby monitor 1.2870 0.05432 108 83 19 6
1284 It's time to pass the torch to a new generation! 1.2870 0.05104 108 81 23 4
1285 I still think he’s got a better chance than O’Rourke. 1.2870 0.04931 108 80 25 3
1286 Oh honey, look! It’s baby’s first podcast! 1.2870 0.05104 108 81 23 4
1287 He's got your lack of talent. 1.2870 0.05589 108 84 17 7
1288 Listen honey, he sounds just like the president. 1.2870 0.05432 108 83 19 6
1289 I love how he never plays down to his audience. 1.2870 0.05271 108 82 21 5
1290 Doesn't he look so presidential? 1.2870 0.05742 108 85 15 8
1291 He's never been in a closet. How can he announce that he is coming out? 1.2870 0.05891 108 86 13 9
1292 He’s funny, but it’s your turn to change him”. 1.2870 0.05432 108 83 19 6
1293 And for my next act I'm going to go to bed. 1.2870 0.05104 108 81 23 4
1294 Honey, he's gone viral! Well have you called the doctor? 1.2870 0.05432 108 83 19 6
1295 It's not unusual to be loved by everyone. 1.2870 0.05589 108 84 17 7
1296 We finally have a retirement plan! 1.2870 0.05432 108 83 19 6
1297 Finally, a candidate with a clean background. 1.2870 0.05271 108 82 21 5
1298 He's against my reproductive rights. 1.2870 0.05589 108 84 17 7
1299 So the sperm donor was a standup comic after-all! 1.2870 0.05104 108 81 23 4
1300 Sure he sounds childish to us, but there are a lot of people who think he's brilliant. 1.2870 0.05589 108 84 17 7
1301 Now he just needs three recommendation letters for that preschool interview. 1.2870 0.05589 108 84 17 7
1302 I love the part when he drops the mike and says 'bambino out!' 1.2870 0.05271 108 82 21 5
1303 The wheels on the bus go round and round... until it doesn’t. Thank you for coming to my TED Talk. 1.2870 0.05271 108 82 21 5
1304 Andrew, honey, let’s show Daddy how we deal with hecklers! 1.2870 0.05432 108 83 19 6
1305 Well I do agree with his ice cream for all policy. 1.2869 0.05267 122 95 19 8
1306 Wow! It's his first stand-up, honey! 1.2857 0.05191 105 79 22 4
1307 A bit scatological but still funny. 1.2857 0.05012 105 78 24 3
1308 Oh my, I think I heard the baby's first Fake News. 1.2857 0.05365 105 80 20 5
1309 I think he is going to do his stand up routine. 1.2857 0.05191 105 79 22 4
1310 Maybe he has seen a little too much SNL. 1.2857 0.05012 105 78 24 3
1311 He just accepted the position as Trump's Secretary of Juvenile Insul ts! 1.2857 0.05533 105 81 18 6
1312 How cute, he’s practicing his inauguration speech . 1.2857 0.05696 105 82 16 7
1313 Aww...his first TED talk. 1.2857 0.05365 105 80 20 5
1314 ...but it was my time on the inside that really set me on my downward spiral. 1.2857 0.05427 98 74 20 4
1315 How do we get a stand up to settle down? 1.2857 0.05365 105 80 20 5
1316 A teddy bear, a dinosaur and a clown walk into a daycare ... Performing two shows nightly. Try the strained veal it’s delicious. 1.2857 0.05365 105 80 20 5
1317 Please place all your tips in my crib 1.2857 0.05445 112 87 18 7
1318 A funny thing happened to me on the way to kindergarten 1.2857 0.05855 105 83 14 8
1319 I told you he's a born politician. 1.2857 0.05365 105 80 20 5
1320 Oh Bob, look........I think he has a future in politics!" 1.2857 0.05533 105 81 18 6
1321 Our very own little rocket man! 1.2857 0.04632 105 76 28 1
1322 Remember, sweetie, it starts, "A priest, a rabbi and an atheist meet in a bar...." 1.2857 0.05365 105 80 20 5
1323 For just a second, I thought it was Trump with a broken teleprompter... 1.2857 0.05191 105 79 22 4
1324 I don't think we should have taken him to see Bohemian Rapsody 1.2857 0.04826 105 77 26 2
1325 Oh, honey!, look! He's skipped the baby babble, and has gone right to addressing the shareholders! 1.2857 0.05191 105 79 22 4
1326 Dr. Spock never mentioned the two drink minimum 1.2857 0.05533 105 81 18 6
1327 Quick! You get the video camera and I’ll heckle him! 1.2857 0.05365 105 80 20 5
1328 Thanks folks. I’’m here all week...before bedtime. 1.2857 0.05012 105 78 24 3
1329 His material in these late night sets are edgier, but his breast feeding bit is priceless! 1.2857 0.05533 105 81 18 6
1330 I think he's going to be a politician. He says he wants to make his nursery great again. 1.2857 0.05533 105 81 18 6
1331 I'm so proud! His podcast "Critique from the Crib" has gone viral! 1.2840 0.06628 81 64 11 6
1332 He's decided to run! 1.2830 0.05321 106 81 20 5
1333 We can't let him watch Fox News !!! 1.2830 0.05321 106 81 20 5
1334 Oh, Sweetheart. His first stand-up. 1.2830 0.05487 106 82 18 6
1335 If I can make it here, I’ll make it Anywhere... 1.2830 0.05487 106 82 18 6
1336 His first words? “Where’s my phone?” 1.2830 0.05487 106 82 18 6
1337 His first words were, 'Take my parents, please.' 1.2830 0.05149 106 80 22 4
1338 The first one in his preschool with a Netflix special! 1.2830 0.05487 106 82 18 6
1339 I thought I heard Sam Cooke’s “A Change is Gonna Come!” 1.2830 0.05487 106 82 18 6
1340 You were right Steve. Stand Up has a whole different meaning for his generation. 1.2830 0.05149 106 80 22 4
1341 He's practicing to be the White House press secretary. 1.2830 0.05958 106 85 12 9
1342 He's finally moved on from sit down comedy. 1.2830 0.05487 106 82 18 6
1343 Now we can live vicariously through him and forget we never amounted to anything. 1.2830 0.05321 106 81 20 5
1344 And you said those Baby Seinfeld tapes wouldn't work. 1.2830 0.05149 106 80 22 4
1345 How adorable! His first words were, "but seriously, folks...". 1.2830 0.04972 106 79 24 3
1346 Can uou hear me now? 1.2830 0.05149 106 80 22 4
1347 God bless my teddy bear,_Friend that I love,_Please retrieve him,_Relieve him,_From the fall he sustained from above. 1.2830 0.05648 106 83 16 7
1348 A little pitchy, and a little stinky, but the kid definitely has what it takes. 1.2830 0.05321 106 81 20 5
1349 Oh look, he's announcing for the Democratic nomination! 1.2830 0.05648 106 83 16 7
1350 Thanks, I'll be here all week. And next week. And... 1.2830 0.05648 106 83 16 7
1351 look, we are raising a politician! 1.2830 0.05149 106 80 22 4
1352 So what's the deal with baby mobiles? They don't seem to be going anywhere! 1.2830 0.05321 106 81 20 5
1353 We shall fight them on the playgrounds, we shall fight them in the care centres 1.2830 0.05149 106 80 22 4
1354 “So far, he’s learned to drop the mike.” 1.2830 0.05321 106 81 20 5
1355 Never before has the Mall seen such a patriotic display. I alone can save the country. God bless Me. 1.2830 0.05405 106 84 15 7
1356 Hi there. Good to see you. Happy you could stick around. 1.2830 0.04972 106 79 24 3
1357 An I'm stuck in Folsom Pwison, an time keep rowwin on . . . 1.2830 0.05648 106 83 16 7
1358 Shouldn't he walk before he runs? 1.2830 0.05487 106 82 18 6
1359 Regrets...I've had a few... 1.2830 0.05321 106 81 20 5
1360 Honey, his oratory is good but he needs to work on his ability to lie. 1.2830 0.05321 106 81 20 5
1361 Honey, does he look a little orange to you"? 1.2830 0.05958 106 85 12 9
1362 At least he’s not a republican 1.2830 0.05487 106 82 18 6
1363 Try the puréed veal and peas. You’re been a great audience.Thank you and night-night. Don’t forget to tip the waitress. 1.2830 0.05648 106 83 16 7
1364 Mom, relax. The mic isn't even plugged in; you covered all the outlets before I moved in, remember? 1.2830 0.05487 106 82 18 6
1365 Here comes the best part, where he says, 'Tip your waitwess!' 1.2830 0.05321 106 81 20 5
1366 As long as he doesnt start singing 'Yesterday' 1.2830 0.04972 106 79 24 3
1367 The crib was a gift from Uncle Putin 1.2830 0.05149 106 80 22 4
1368 Don’t you think we should wait until he’s no longer speaking gibberish before upgrading the baby monitor? 1.2830 0.04787 106 78 26 2
1369 His first words! 'Make America cry again.' 1.2830 0.05321 106 81 20 5
1370 Isn't that cute honey? He says we're a great crowd and asking where we're from. 1.2830 0.05487 106 82 18 6
1371 Oh Fred! It's his first State of the Nursery! 1.2830 0.05958 106 85 12 9
1372 Look honey, our Mikey’s giving his first TED Talk! 1.2830 0.05321 106 81 20 5
1373 He says he's not saying another word until his teleprompter is fixed. 1.2830 0.05487 106 82 18 6
1374 So a bottle, a jar of baby food, and a nipple walk into a bar… 1.2830 0.05487 106 82 18 6
1375 Oh Roger! Our baby is a stand-up comedian! 1.2830 0.04972 106 79 24 3
1376 Not only is it better than the baby monitor, but her comparison of partisan politics to mashed bananas is so insightful. 1.2830 0.05149 106 80 22 4
1377 Oh my God, Chip, he's doing stand-up! 1.2830 0.04787 106 78 26 2
1378 Thank you, folks, you've been a terrific audience! I'll be here all week ... And for the next 17 years! 1.2830 0.05149 106 80 22 4
1379 See Honey, I told you not to worry about him being a late talker” 1.2830 0.05149 106 80 22 4
1380 Shhh, Let's not disturb him halfway through his set. 1.2830 0.05321 106 81 20 5
1381 His first stand-up! Think he'll talk about us? 1.2830 0.05149 106 80 22 4
1382 Henny young man! 1.2830 0.05648 106 83 16 7
1383 It’s confirmed. Audrey’s “America’s Got Talent Prenatal” app, may, indeed pay off 1.2830 0.05487 106 82 18 6
1384 I hope his passion for the arts doesn’t mean he will live with us forever. 1.2830 0.04787 106 78 26 2
1385 Hopefully it's about the embargo on strained peas. 1.2830 0.05149 106 80 22 4
1386 He's funny, but his riff on breast feeding crosses the line I think".. 1.2830 0.04972 106 79 24 3
1387 I think he took “Stand up Mike...” a bit too far. 1.2830 0.05149 106 80 22 4
1388 He sounds even better live. 1.2830 0.04972 106 79 24 3
1389 Oh look, he's starting to generate his first content! 1.2830 0.05648 106 83 16 7
1390 Singing "I Did It My Way" is just so Terrible Two's 1.2830 0.05149 106 80 22 4
1391 I admit he's pitchy in his upper register, but listen to that vibrato! 1.2830 0.05149 106 80 22 4
1392 See, a baby monitor couldn't do justice to his babble like this! 1.2830 0.05321 106 81 20 5
1393 Now, take a drink from your bottle and say: "I don't recall." 1.2830 0.05321 106 81 20 5
1394 Isn’t he so electable?! 1.2830 0.05487 106 82 18 6
1395 Wow, he’s really killing the stand-up phase, I guess it’s not much longer til he’s walking. 1.2830 0.05321 106 81 20 5
1396 We made in time to catch his first stand-up. 1.2830 0.05321 106 81 20 5
1397 He's defending the president's reference to airports during the Revolutionary War. 1.2830 0.05958 106 85 12 9
1398 He's never even been on an airplane, but he's so right about the food! 1.2830 0.05061 106 82 19 5
1399 Only yesterday he was crawling, now he's doing stand up! 1.2830 0.04972 106 79 24 3
1400 You should hear him sing, "Let me be your teddy bear." 1.2830 0.05321 106 81 20 5
1401 Why did we put a poster on the outside of the door? 1.2828 0.05185 99 74 22 3
1402 Honey, Jimmy just said his first words, it was 'what's the deal with baby food nowadays'?" 1.2816 0.05590 103 80 17 6
1403 Just two weeks ago technically I wasn’t a stand-up. 1.2816 0.05239 103 78 21 4
1404 What'd I tell you? He's doing standup already! 1.2816 0.05054 103 77 23 3
1405 He just needs to learn how to tweet! 1.2816 0.05418 103 79 19 5
1406 Oh, honey! His first bit! 1.2816 0.05239 103 78 21 4
1407 I would like to thank the Democratic National Party for including me in their 2019 Presidential Debates 1.2816 0.05239 103 78 21 4
1408 I think he ready to say his first words 1.2816 0.05239 103 78 21 4
1409 Quiet! His first word is about to be broadcasted ! 1.2816 0.05239 103 78 21 4
1410 I'd like to start by thanking my mother for giving me a beautiful ego... 1.2804 0.05442 107 83 18 6
1411 Honey - when you said we had to deal with non-stop scatting tonight, I expected something much worse. 1.2796 0.05795 93 72 16 5
1412 He does NOT look like my boss, Howard!! 1.2796 0.05993 93 73 14 6
1413 He's very dry. Unlike his diaper. 1.2791 0.05883 86 66 16 4
1414 And Charles, he's polling in the top percentile! 1.2788 0.05195 104 79 21 4
1415 What’s a covfefe? 1.2788 0.05372 104 80 19 5
1416 His first podcast! 1.2788 0.05195 104 79 21 4
1417 He's doing Dangerfield! 1.2788 0.05012 104 78 23 3
1418 I hope our little Donald never changes 1.2788 0.05372 104 80 19 5
1419 And so I says, "What, am I gonna change my own diapers?" 1.2788 0.05870 104 83 13 8
1420 Doing stand-up already! 1.2788 0.05195 104 79 21 4
1421 He even looks like Ike! 1.2788 0.05372 104 80 19 5
1422 He's already funnier than Dennis Miller 1.2788 0.05372 104 80 19 5
1423 Thank you, I'll be here all night. 1.2788 0.05195 104 79 21 4
1424 Honey look, he's finally doing standup! 1.2788 0.05012 104 78 23 3
1425 Don't forget to try the milk. 1.2788 0.05372 104 80 19 5
1426 It seems like they start campaigning early every year. 1.2788 0.05543 104 81 17 6
1427 Almost everyone agrees, I'm a child at heart. 1.2788 0.05543 104 81 17 6
1428 My first campaign promise is to eat vegetables 1.2788 0.05870 104 83 13 8
1429 This next tune is called, "Change my diaper! " 1.2788 0.05372 104 80 19 5
1430 Who knew that narcissism could be so adorable? 1.2788 0.05372 104 80 19 5
1431 Thank goodness! I was afraid he was going to grow up to be an astronaut. 1.2788 0.05195 104 79 21 4
1432 And to think, you discouraged me from listening to Eminem for those nine months! 1.2788 0.05012 104 78 23 3
1433 Look! His first stand-up! 1.2788 0.05012 104 78 23 3
1434 Honey, these are our precious moments before fame, millions of dollars, adoring fans,private jets, and rehabs take him from us. 1.2788 0.05195 104 79 21 4
1435 I think he knows about the baby monitor! 1.2788 0.05372 104 80 19 5
1436 Look, honey, he can stand-up and tell jokes. 1.2788 0.05372 104 80 19 5
1437 His agent was right. He IS ready. 1.2788 0.05372 104 80 19 5
1438 His first open mike night! 1.2788 0.05709 104 82 15 7
1439 Are you ready for his first word? 1.2788 0.05195 104 79 21 4
1440 Getting into preschool has gotten really competitive. 1.2788 0.05709 104 82 15 7
1441 Farewell early development. Its been a lot of gas. 1.2788 0.04625 104 76 27 1
1442 Our baby’s going to be a great dictator! 1.2788 0.05543 104 81 17 6
1443 ...and now, for all my fans under 18 months,..."Don't fence me in"... 1.2788 0.05195 104 79 21 4
1444 I know you were skeptical about not getting a traditional baby monitor, but this was his best monologue about losing his teddy bear yet! 1.2788 0.04823 104 77 25 2
1445 He’s handled his first heckler. 1.2788 0.05709 104 82 15 7
1446 If he can make it here he can make it anywhere! 1.2788 0.05372 104 80 19 5
1447 CNN's starting minute-by-minute coverage of the 2056 election." 1.2788 0.05543 104 81 17 6
1448 Parents, party of two. Your child is ready. 1.2788 0.05372 104 80 19 5
1449 I knew he would start talking when he had something important to say. 1.2788 0.04823 104 77 25 2
1450 He's pretending the Fourth of July belongs to him! 1.2788 0.04823 104 77 25 2
1451 I tell my dad, once a week isn't so bad. There are some guys my mother has cut off completely. 1.2788 0.04823 104 77 25 2
1452 He didn't drop the mike, but he did drop the bear! 1.2788 0.05372 104 80 19 5
1453 Liam's "Poddycast" now outranks Joe Rogan! 1.2788 0.05372 104 80 19 5
1454 This is better than his soapbox. 1.2788 0.04823 104 77 25 2
1455 Coming live from The Crib, a hot spot where the stuff always hits the fan. 1.2788 0.05709 104 82 15 7
1456 We babies get no respect! 1.2788 0.05372 104 80 19 5
1457 What if he grows up to be a professional karaoke singer? Or, worse yet, President? 1.2788 0.05543 104 81 17 6
1458 I’ll be here for the next 17 years, folks. Please tip your servers. 1.2788 0.05543 104 81 17 6
1459 CNN chose him to comment on infant rights. 1.2788 0.05012 104 78 23 3
1460 Oh honey, it's his first stand-up!" 1.2788 0.05012 104 78 23 3
1461 You know what I hate about breast milk... 1.2788 0.05709 104 82 15 7
1462 God, I hope he is funny. 1.2788 0.05372 104 80 19 5
1463 That is our retirement, honey! 1.2788 0.05195 104 79 21 4
1464 He's a little bit Rush and a little bit Rachel! 1.2788 0.05372 104 80 19 5
1465 Ted’s first talk! 1.2788 0.05012 104 78 23 3
1466 You're right, a teleprompter would spoil his spontaneity. 1.2788 0.05195 104 79 21 4
1467 This is exciting! He knows all the words to "American Pie." 1.2788 0.05543 104 81 17 6
1468 His cries for attention are becoming more and more presidential! 1.2788 0.05012 104 78 23 3
1469 He just said his first “Fake News!” 1.2788 0.05372 104 80 19 5
1470 Oh look!! He's doing a sound-check for his 3AM colic bout. 1.2788 0.05195 104 79 21 4
1471 Thank God he's stopped tweeting! 1.2778 0.04893 108 81 24 3
1472 My next number will be Folsom Prison Blues. 1.2772 0.05650 101 79 16 6
1473 Good morning! We are now inviting passengers with small children, to begin boarding at this time. 1.2772 0.05097 101 76 22 3
1474 I'm so happy he got the rid of the band and is going solo. 1.2772 0.05097 101 76 22 3
1475 I got nothing! 1.2766 0.05741 94 73 16 5
1476 Our baby is finally doing stand-up! 1.2766 0.05327 94 71 20 3
1477 His first diatribe 1.2766 0.05741 94 73 16 5
1478 ...And THIS next cry goes out to GERBER, for their STRAINED PEAS..... 1.2766 0.05327 94 71 20 3
1479 This next one is for you, Mommy. 1.2763 0.06379 76 59 13 4
1480 Today I announce my candidacy for President of the United States 2060, assuming Trump has been impeached then. 1.2759 0.06476 87 70 10 7
1481 This ought to get her ready for 2056. 1.2747 0.05649 91 70 17 4
1482 nan 1.2747 0.05861 91 71 15 5
1483 He’s ready for America’s Got Talent show. 1.2747 0.05861 91 71 15 5
1484 Lets make a drummer 1.2747 0.06264 91 73 11 7
1485 Quiet, honey! He's about to say his best words! 1.2745 0.04858 102 76 24 2
1486 He's already gone viral with his Generation Z followers. 1.2743 0.05370 113 89 17 7
1487 Let me tell you why being mayor of South Bend qualifies me to be President. 1.2740 0.07103 73 59 8 6
1488 He just said his first word. Only I can't repeat in. 1.2736 0.04746 106 79 25 2
1489 I'm so proud.I think our little boy said 'get your ass in here'. 1.2727 0.05337 99 76 19 4
1490 Open with the diaper bit. It'll slay 'em. 1.2727 0.05140 99 75 21 3
1491 You said it was a baby monitor, not a baby monologue 1.2727 0.04936 99 74 23 2
1492 He really knows how to work the bedroom. 1.2727 0.05337 99 76 19 4
1493 He sounds better with a full diaper.” 1.2727 0.05337 99 76 19 4
1494 He’s a little bit of an extrovert. 1.2727 0.05140 99 75 21 3
1495 Yes, but he's our little dictator. 1.2727 0.05140 99 75 21 3
1496 Well, my time is up. I just want to say, You've been a great crowd! Thanks a pantload!" 1.2727 0.05888 99 79 13 7
1497 An E-Baby Book moment, his first U-Tube! 1.2727 0.05337 99 76 19 4
1498 Twenty more donors and he'll qualify for the next Democratic debate. 1.2727 0.05527 99 77 17 5
1499 Let's give him every opportunity to realize his dream... starting with a horrible childhood. 1.2727 0.05337 99 76 19 4
1500 I just flew in from daycare, boy are my arms tired. Thank you very much folks, I’ll be here all year. 1.2727 0.05140 99 75 21 3
1501 I don't see any college tuition in our future. 1.2727 0.05140 99 75 21 3
1502 No Obstruction, No Collusion. It only took two and a half years. 1.2727 0.05140 99 75 21 3
1503 Self-changing diapers are the future. Thank you for coming to my TEDDY talk. 1.2727 0.05710 99 78 15 6
1504 How exciting! He’s ready to announce his presidential campaign! 1.2727 0.05140 99 75 21 3
1505 So much for the mysterious voices at night. 1.2727 0.05140 99 75 21 3
1506 We ought to record this. Most of his voters haven’t even been born yet! 1.2727 0.05337 99 76 19 4
1507 He’s entering the race! 1.2727 0.05888 99 79 13 7
1508 He just said, “I’m here all week. Try the veal.” 1.2727 0.05337 99 76 19 4
1509 Honey, don't you love his stand up routine! 1.2727 0.05337 99 76 19 4
1510 And for my last joke of the evening...oh, wait, it just walked in. 1.2727 0.05710 99 78 15 6
1511 He must get it from me! 1.2727 0.05337 99 76 19 4
1512 Wait! He is going to speak his first words. 1.2727 0.04722 99 73 25 1
1513 What do you mean, over-dramatic? I think it's wonderful he's learning to express his feelings in creative ways! 1.2727 0.06061 99 80 11 8
1514 His foreign policy is more structured than the President's. And he has a better vocabulary. 1.2717 0.05595 92 71 17 4
1515 I told you playing "Hail to the Chief" in utero would work. 1.2717 0.06007 92 73 13 6
1516 Our little demagogue! 1.2700 0.05291 100 77 19 4
1517 That's right, son. Now, in Spanish. 1.2700 0.05096 100 76 21 3
1518 Shouldn't have told him he could be anybody he wants. 1.2700 0.05660 100 79 15 6
1519 He’s much better without the blue material. 1.2700 0.05478 100 78 17 5
1520 Did he just say, “I’m stuck in Folsom Prison”? 1.2700 0.05478 100 78 17 5
1521 That little boy was me. 1.2700 0.05291 100 77 19 4
1522 Are you sure he is ours? 1.2700 0.05660 100 79 15 6
1523 His podcast is killing the under 5 demographic. 1.2700 0.05291 100 77 19 4
1524 Oh darling! It's a Jew! 1.2700 0.05660 100 79 15 6
1525 Isn’t it wonderful to finally have a candidate who represents those without a voice? 1.2700 0.05291 100 77 19 4
1526 I tell you. These new baby monitors are bringing out the best in him. 1.2700 0.05478 100 78 17 5
1527 I didn't know he could stand up. 1.2700 0.05291 100 77 19 4
1528 O' look, honey. All we need to do now is teach him how to do a comb over. 1.2700 0.05835 100 80 13 7
1529 It's so exciting, darling, he really could become the president! He can already look straight into the camera and lie with a straight face! 1.2700 0.05835 100 80 13 7
1530 I expected it would take much longer for us to cause enough emotional damages for him to do stand-up 1.2700 0.05291 100 77 19 4
1531 So I says monitor? I hardly know her! 1.2697 0.05709 89 69 16 4
1532 He has wonderful ideas about Planned Parenthood! 1.2692 0.04779 104 78 24 2
1533 His criminal justice plan was based on his own time behind bars. 1.2688 0.05749 93 73 15 5
1534 I knew introducing solid foods early would work 1.2688 0.05542 93 72 17 4
1535 What’s with farts? 1.2688 0.05327 93 71 19 3
1536 It's his first speech without crib notes! 1.2688 0.05327 93 71 19 3
1537 A star is born, darling! 1.2680 0.05773 97 77 14 6
1538 I told you--see? He's given up his bear! 1.2680 0.05185 97 74 20 3
1539 Let's welcome our guests to a new life--one without middle of the night feedings. 1.2680 0.05584 97 76 16 5
1540 You have the floor. 1.2680 0.05584 97 76 16 5
1541 This is the part I love where he discusses Sino-Soviet incursions... 1.2680 0.05773 97 77 14 6
1542 Well he's got my vote! 1.2680 0.05388 97 75 18 4
1543 Where did we go wrong? I can understand fireman or astronaut, but talk radio host? 1.2680 0.04973 97 73 22 2
1544 She'll never make enough to support herself. 1.2680 0.05388 97 75 18 4
1545 Oh, Honey! He looks SO presidential, doesn't he! 1.2680 0.05584 97 76 16 5
1546 Before me, without a doubt, is the biggest crowd ever assembled in the history of the world. 1.2680 0.05185 97 74 20 3
1547 It won't be long before we can start heckling him! 1.2680 0.05584 97 76 16 5
1548 On today’s podcast: dealing with stage parents. 1.2680 0.05584 97 76 16 5
1549 Look! He no longer needs the teleprompter! 1.2680 0.04752 97 72 24 1
1550 He IS gifted and talented! 1.2680 0.04752 97 72 24 1
1551 Oh darling! He's talking about the planes from the airports during the Revolutionary War! 1.2680 0.05388 97 75 18 4
1552 Look Harold, he's filibustering bed time! 1.2680 0.05773 97 77 14 6
1553 Didn't you tell me you were related to Howard Cosell 1.2680 0.05185 97 74 20 3
1554 I'm so proud of him! In six months, he'll be the next White House Press Secretary. 1.2680 0.05388 97 75 18 4
1555 He’s going for it! We’ll need a PAC. 1.2680 0.05388 97 75 18 4
1556 Who knew, “Here comes the airplane!” would turn into a monologue on airline food! 1.2680 0.05584 97 76 16 5
1557 We have our own Speaker of the House 1.2680 0.04973 97 73 22 2
1558 Drew Carey started out the same way. 1.2680 0.05185 97 74 20 3
1559 I heard it builds confidence. 1.2680 0.05185 97 74 20 3
1560 He's got some great zero-liners 1.2680 0.05956 97 78 12 7
1561 His first word is a monologue ! 1.2680 0.05956 97 78 12 7
1562 ‘I don’t know honey, it’s mostly the same dada bits from last night’. 1.2680 0.05185 97 74 20 3
1563 Timmy's first words, take 3. OK - this time Timmy, step into the mic a little more, and really SELL the word 'Da-Da'! 1.2680 0.04973 97 73 22 2
1564 Our baby is growing up! Watch how he deports Teddy and slams the liberal media. 1.2680 0.04973 97 73 22 2
1565 This seemed way funnier in the Etrade commercial 1.2667 0.05870 90 71 14 5
1566 Look! Our 'baby man-splainer' tapes are working! 1.2667 0.05653 90 70 16 4
1567 This is the part where he always tries out new material. 1.2660 0.05278 94 72 19 3
1568 His first word , 'MA' is now recorded for posterity." 1.2660 0.05892 94 75 13 6
1569 I’d like to thank my parents for the immaculate conception. 1.2660 0.05892 94 75 13 6
1570 If he goes on about death or freedom again we might need to do something. 1.2660 0.05695 94 74 15 5
1571 Unaccustomed as I am... 1.2660 0.05490 94 73 17 4
1572 We are just in time for The Nursery News Hour. 1.2660 0.05892 94 75 13 6
1573 Look honey, he's speaking without a teleprompter! 1.2660 0.05278 94 72 19 3
1574 Aww, he's so cute when he's influencing. 1.2660 0.05278 94 72 19 3
1575 I thought the part about universal pre-k was well researched, but he needs more meat on how to deal with China. 1.2660 0.05056 94 71 21 2
1576 I think he's about to say his first few words! 1.2660 0.05278 94 72 19 3
1577 Rodney Dangerfield as a child...." I don't get no respect: I asked my mother to breast feed me; she told me she just wanted to know me as a friend!" 1.2660 0.05278 94 72 19 3
1578 And the most important thing is that his jokes are woke! 1.2660 0.05695 94 74 15 5
1579 I hope he does the one about my milk! 1.2660 0.05490 94 73 17 4
1580 The parents he's making fun of aren't us, they're constructed characters. 1.2660 0.05892 94 75 13 6
1581 Don’t you just love his shtick about diapers and climate change? 1.2660 0.05490 94 73 17 4
1582 Try and imagine the audience in just their diapers. 1.2660 0.05695 94 74 15 5
1583 I'm here all week, don't forget to tip my parents 1.2660 0.05056 94 71 21 2
1584 Yesterday, a crawl. Today, a standup.” 1.2660 0.05695 94 74 15 5
1585 Let’s stay up late and catch his monologue... 1.2660 0.05490 94 73 17 4
1586 Before I start I would like to welcome my mom and dad, whom I know are here tonight. 1.2660 0.05278 94 72 19 3
1587 Jimmy liked to try out new material in a nurturing venue. 1.2660 0.06083 94 76 11 7
1588 I am announcing my run for the presidency in 2020 since childish behavior is no longer a taboo! 1.2660 0.05278 94 72 19 3
1589 Naming him Vox doesn't sound so silly now does it! 1.2660 0.05278 94 72 19 3
1590 I think he's ready to run in 2020. 1.2660 0.05056 94 71 21 2
1591 He doesn't have to dress tonight. This is radio. 1.2660 0.05278 94 72 19 3
1592 His first open crib/mike night! 1.2660 0.05695 94 74 15 5
1593 Honey! He's doing stand up all by himself. 1.2660 0.05056 94 71 21 2
1594 That could be the best gibberish in recorded history! 1.2660 0.05490 94 73 17 4
1595 Hooray! Our retirement is set! 1.2660 0.06083 94 76 11 7
1596 Little Donald just loves his microphone! 1.2660 0.05892 94 75 13 6
1597 Aww honey, his first sound bite. 1.2660 0.05056 94 71 21 2
1598 Look at the way he commands a nursery. 1.2660 0.05892 94 75 13 6
1599 I hate his policies but he swayed me with his boyish good looks. 1.2660 0.04825 94 70 23 1
1600 Oh honey look, we’ve actualized a thought leader! 1.2660 0.05695 94 74 15 5
1601 Yes, but he does make more sense than that guy at the Lincoln Memorial 1.2660 0.05056 94 71 21 2
1602 Honey, he's developed new material! 1.2660 0.05490 94 73 17 4
1603 I'd like to wrap up with my favorite lullaby. 1.2660 0.05695 94 74 15 5
1604 And.... There back! 1.2660 0.05490 94 73 17 4
1605 Can we book him for the Catskills? 1.2660 0.05278 94 72 19 3
1606 Oh my God, George! We have to find some middle aged liberals to caption this situation -- quick!! 1.2660 0.05695 94 74 15 5
1607 I think he's about to announce an exploratory committee for 2056. 1.2660 0.05278 94 72 19 3
1608 Do you think our little rocket man will also need corrective lenses? 1.2660 0.05278 94 72 19 3
1609 Who am I? Why am I here 1.2660 0.05695 94 74 15 5
1610 And Tonight, We have a really big sheow, really big sheow. 1.2660 0.05695 94 74 15 5
1611 Honey, I’m so proud, listen to him, ‘I faced it all and stood tall’, he’s doing it his way” 1.2660 0.04825 94 70 23 1
1612 Can you believe he's already doing stand up? 1.2660 0.05278 94 72 19 3
1613 Pick up a rattle and give me a beat. 1.2660 0.05056 94 71 21 2
1614 Little Elton's a rocket man! 1.2653 0.05533 98 77 16 5
1615 POTUS Starter Kit, 2019 Edition. 1.2653 0.05720 98 78 14 6
1616 Our baby is the ‘last man standing’ in the Democrat Presidential debates! 1.2647 0.07442 68 56 6 6
1617 I can't wait for 2056. 1.2644 0.06633 87 72 7 8
1618 Just imagine what it will be like when he actually knows some words. 1.2637 0.04901 91 68 22 1
1619 Look Dave! First dirty diapers, now dirty jokes. 1.2637 0.05376 91 70 18 3
1620 See! I told you he'd grow out of the improv thing! 1.2637 0.05599 91 71 16 4
1621 I think you mean you don't get 'any' respect, sweetie. 1.2637 0.05376 91 70 18 3
1622 This means we won't have to pay for college! 1.2637 0.05813 91 72 14 5
1623 Baby's first lie! 1.2637 0.05376 91 70 18 3
1624 He’s building his brand! 1.2637 0.05376 91 70 18 3
1625 I can’t wait to post his first podcast! 1.2637 0.05376 91 70 18 3
1626 Junior's first words will now permanently reside in the cloud. 1.2637 0.05599 91 71 16 4
1627 Oh, he's going into politics! 1.2637 0.05599 91 71 16 4
1628 Look honey he is taking after Donald Trump’s 4th of July . 1.2637 0.05813 91 72 14 5
1629 See, those Jimmy Kimmel reruns I played when pregnant paid off! 1.2637 0.05144 91 69 20 2
1630 What's the deal with cloth diapers anyway? 1.2637 0.05376 91 70 18 3
1631 Looks like Tiny is running for the Congress. At last a politician who acts his age. 1.2637 0.05376 91 70 18 3
1632 See? Diaper change, climate change. Those issues give him credibility. 1.2637 0.05144 91 69 20 2
1633 Oh honey...it’s his first speech! 1.2637 0.05376 91 70 18 3
1634 I told you we didn't need tanks. The Blue Angels did the trick. 1.2637 0.05813 91 72 14 5
1635 He's declaring his candidacy for president! 1.2637 0.05813 91 72 14 5
1636 Thanks, folks! I'll be playing here nightly until beddie-bye time. 1.2637 0.05144 91 69 20 2
1637 That's our very stable genius! 1.2637 0.05599 91 71 16 4
1638 Nine months and he's already sarcastic. 1.2637 0.05599 91 71 16 4
1639 And the Bitish assaulted the airports... 1.2637 0.05376 91 70 18 3
1640 Your child doubts the authenticity of his teddy bear's birth certificate. 1.2637 0.05376 91 70 18 3
1641 You’ve been a great audience, but I really need my diaper changed now. 1.2637 0.05376 91 70 18 3
1642 He's on his way to a Nanny Cam stand up pre-K audition tape! 1.2637 0.05599 91 71 16 4
1643 And they said he couldn't lead the revolution from behind bars! 1.2637 0.05599 91 71 16 4
1644 Wow, standup before walking! 1.2637 0.05813 91 72 14 5
1645 You're right. He's watching too much of Amrica's Got Talent. 1.2637 0.06218 91 74 10 7
1646 I can't wait until he's old enough for his first teleprompter. 1.2637 0.05376 91 70 18 3
1647 Once he secures the nomination he'll be ready to debate trump 1.2637 0.05376 91 70 18 3
1648 I told you he has the makings of a politician. 1.2637 0.04901 91 68 22 1
1649 It's OK darling,I haven't plugged it in 1.2637 0.05599 91 71 16 4
1650 Oh honey, look! His first press conference! 1.2637 0.04901 91 68 22 1
1651 And we’re calling the podcast, Tiny TED Talks. 1.2637 0.04645 91 67 24 0
1652 He's doing potty humor, now! 1.2626 0.05668 99 79 14 6
1653 He's applying to the Nursery School of Performing Arts! 1.2626 0.05668 99 79 14 6
1654 Yeah honey, what IS the deal with Teddy Bears? 1.2619 0.05115 84 63 20 1
1655 Homey what did I say about leaving the TV on! 1.2614 0.05236 88 67 19 2
1656 Oh sweetheart! He’s funny! 1.2614 0.05480 88 68 17 3
1657 I've turned the nursery into a pod cast studio, don't you love it! 1.2614 0.06153 88 71 11 6
1658 Let's just say I'm the boss 1.2609 0.05756 92 73 14 5
1659 He's standing up! 1.2609 0.05325 92 71 18 3
1660 when I was 17 months, it was a very good year... 1.2609 0.05960 92 74 12 6
1661 I can't believe that the primary debate season has started. 1.2609 0.05756 92 73 14 5
1662 Oh Richard, just look how far he’s come since the old monitor. 1.2609 0.05960 92 74 12 6
1663 Aww. His first campaign. 1.2609 0.05325 92 71 18 3
1664 I liked the first few, but those, ” My parents are so stupid”, jokes are really embarrassing!!! 1.2609 0.05545 92 72 16 4
1665 His first steps, his first words, and now, his first Netflix special. 1.2609 0.05096 92 70 20 2
1666 What's the deal with diapers? Amirite? 1.2609 0.05325 92 71 18 3
1667 Lady and Gentleman, I said I would drain the swamp, and I have. Now it is time for a change. Change will not come if we wait for some other person or some other time. So ask not what your baby can do for you. Ask what you can do for your baby. 1.2609 0.05756 92 73 14 5
1668 So I said to her, I'm not sure, I'm Pediasure. 1.2609 0.05545 92 72 16 4
1669 Oh c'mon, Ed: who better to unseat another petulant child? 1.2609 0.04603 92 68 24 0
1670 He cribs all his jokes. 1.2609 0.04856 92 69 22 1
1671 Attention shoppers! 1.2609 0.05325 92 71 18 3
1672 How did he plug in the mic? 1.2609 0.05325 92 71 18 3
1673 Listen, dear, his first words: 'Take my mother ... Please!' " 1.2609 0.05545 92 72 16 4
1674 I don't think I've ever heard 'Melancholy Baby' sung with such strong, honest emotion. 1.2609 0.05545 92 72 16 4
1675 He is using crib notes. 1.2609 0.05325 92 71 18 3
1676 Harold! All he needs is a longer tie! 1.2609 0.05096 92 70 20 2
1677 Noooooooo! NOT KARAOKE!! 1.2609 0.05545 92 72 16 4
1678 His YouTube channel on "Crib Talk" is getting thousands of hits. 1.2609 0.05756 92 73 14 5
1679 I'm so glad they lowered the presidential requirements to include infants masquerading as men. 1.2609 0.05545 92 72 16 4
1680 That Kierkegaard quote will kill at pre-school graduation! 1.2609 0.05096 92 70 20 2
1681 Look, dear: It's Donald Trump! 1.2609 0.05545 92 72 16 4
1682 Can you believe Ralphie’s podcast just paid for our kitchen remodel?! 1.2609 0.05096 92 70 20 2
1683 He's got a great voice, but the bathroom breaks are a pain. 1.2609 0.05545 92 72 16 4
1684 Look honey, the bear already dropped out! 1.2609 0.05756 92 73 14 5
1685 I'm off to get food, diapers, and an agent. 1.2609 0.05545 92 72 16 4
1686 The doctor said we could expect him to stand up at about 6 months. 1.2600 0.05049 100 77 20 3
1687 Thank you for coming to my BED talk. 1.2588 0.05589 85 66 16 3
1688 I can’t believe Trump is listening to everything he says. 1.2588 0.06070 85 68 12 5
1689 He certainly looks like a senator. 1.2584 0.04933 89 67 21 1
1690 His first word was ‘Mama!’ and his first joke is about Dada. 1.2584 0.05426 89 69 17 3
1691 When they said it was full tonight I didn't know they were talking about my diaper! 1.2584 0.05426 89 69 17 3
1692 He has the best chance at winning over the Trump constituency 1.2584 0.06091 89 72 11 6
1693 I just wanted to make sure we heard his first joke. 1.2584 0.05426 89 69 17 3
1694 Four score and seven weeks ago he was just a gleam in your eye! 1.2584 0.06091 89 72 11 6
1695 First time without a teleprompter! 1.2584 0.05185 89 68 19 2
1696 Look at that comb over! 1.2584 0.05878 89 71 13 5
1697 Gee, honey! He's going to be the politician you always wanted to be! 1.2584 0.05878 89 71 13 5
1698 The 2060 primaries are just around the corner. 1.2584 0.05426 89 69 17 3
1699 Since you won’t sleep, we got you a podcast. 1.2584 0.05185 89 68 19 2
1700 Broadcasting live from the crib............ 1.2584 0.05656 89 70 15 4
1701 Did you hear that?! He just said 'Goo goo ga ga GREAT AGAIN!' 1.2584 0.04933 89 67 21 1
1702 His “object permanace” routine kills every time! 1.2584 0.06091 89 72 11 6
1703 His first State of the Family! 1.2584 0.05185 89 68 19 2
1704 I've only been on the crib circut about 3 months now, but I owe it all to my parents 1.2584 0.05185 89 68 19 2
1705 Isn't that cute! He thinks he's running for president. 1.2584 0.05426 89 69 17 3
1706 Oh, listen dear, he’s telling his first lie. 1.2581 0.05902 93 75 12 6
1707 Aww...his first stand up set. 1.2581 0.05275 93 72 18 3
1708 Look, he's literally doing stand-up! 1.2581 0.05048 93 71 20 2
1709 OMG, George, he's announcing his Space Force program. 1.2581 0.05902 93 75 12 6
1710 Yay!! He's tolerant. 1.2581 0.05275 93 72 18 3
1711 Sophomoric, maybe, but his act is hilarious." 1.2581 0.05701 93 74 14 5
1712 I just love his potty training humor. 1.2581 0.05275 93 72 18 3
1713 This is it! He's going to announce he's running for president! 1.2581 0.05902 93 75 12 6
1714 Don't blame me for him being in the debate. Your parents were the qualifying grassroots fundraising that got him in. 1.2581 0.05275 93 72 18 3
1715 It's a phase. Little Rush will outgrow it. 1.2581 0.05275 93 72 18 3
1716 His humor is a little immature. 1.2581 0.05492 93 73 16 4
1717 Maybe he wants to be a Rock Star. 1.2581 0.05701 93 74 14 5
1718 Look honey, it's our first parent-child debate! 1.2581 0.05492 93 73 16 4
1719 Wait till Putin sees this. 1.2581 0.05492 93 73 16 4
1720 He's electable! 1.2581 0.05492 93 73 16 4
1721 OMG! His first standup! 1.2581 0.05492 93 73 16 4
1722 Look honey, he’s starting to misspeak. 1.2581 0.05701 93 74 14 5
1723 He's about to say his first joke, I hope it's "Daddy." 1.2581 0.05275 93 72 18 3
1724 Ohh, Fred, just listen to how expertly he's already bashing us. 1.2581 0.05275 93 72 18 3
1725 Any babbling fool can get a comedy special on Netflix these days 1.2581 0.05701 93 74 14 5
1726 Doctor, shmoctor; he knows where the real money is. 1.2581 0.05492 93 73 16 4
1727 He’s totally killing with that pacifier bit.” 1.2581 0.05048 93 71 20 2
1728 Do you think possibly 2052 1.2581 0.05492 93 73 16 4
1729 He’s giving his “state of the diaper” 1.2581 0.05902 93 75 12 6
1730 His first words were "Fake news!" 1.2581 0.04811 93 70 22 1
1731 He’s not that much younger than Mayor Pete. I think he has a chance! 1.2581 0.05048 93 71 20 2
1732 Er allein, wem gehört der Jugend, gewinnt die Zukunft! 1.2581 0.05048 93 71 20 2
1733 He's already garnered the thumb-sucker vote with his anti-pacification policy. 1.2581 0.05492 93 73 16 4
1734 I appreciate that his early set has less vulgarity 1.2581 0.05275 93 72 18 3
1735 His audition for pre-pre-pre-school is going well! 1.2581 0.05701 93 74 14 5
1736 I knew that mobile would give him enough experience to be appointed Secretary of Transportation. 1.2581 0.07945 62 52 4 6
1737 Love the flyover – too bad he can’t read a teleprompter. 1.2581 0.05492 93 73 16 4
1738 You were right, they ARE crib notes! 1.2581 0.05048 93 71 20 2
1739 I Think we found the perfect candidate for 2020 1.2581 0.05701 93 74 14 5
1740 Sorry I don't do requests 1.2581 0.05902 93 75 12 6
1741 Oh, look, he's going to work without the teleprompter 1.2581 0.05048 93 71 20 2
1742 Thank you, thank you. I'll be here, crying, all night. 1.2581 0.05275 93 72 18 3
1743 Is this thing on? I can hear you kvelling! 1.2581 0.05492 93 73 16 4
1744 Who taught him to speak German? 1.2581 0.06097 93 76 10 7
1745 He only speaks gibberish, but he wants to run against the incumbent; I think he'd be great! 1.2581 0.05492 93 73 16 4
1746 Oh Fred, he's singing our song, Danke shoen'. 1.2581 0.04811 93 70 22 1
1747 Now we just need to teach him to lie, cheat, and self-aggrandize. 1.2581 0.05701 93 74 14 5
1748 srgsttew 1.2581 0.05275 93 72 18 3
1749 Ol' Boo Boo Eyes is back! 1.2581 0.05048 93 71 20 2
1750 Read my lips, no new taxes. 1.2581 0.05275 93 72 18 3
1751 Oh Herb! I think I heard him say "Good Evening everyone! 1.2581 0.05492 93 73 16 4
1752 And you said pampering him would impede his career. 1.2581 0.05048 93 71 20 2
1753 And d'y'ever notice how Mommy is always like, 'Stop screaming, Henry...Quit throwing food, Henry...don't bite me, Henry'. I got news for ya, lady. That's all I know how to do! 1.2581 0.05275 93 72 18 3
1754 First the crib then the world. 1.2581 0.04811 93 70 22 1
1755 preacher, motivational speaker, politician or some other con... he was born to make money! 1.2581 0.05701 93 74 14 5
1756 This is what they meant by the terrible tunes. 1.2581 0.05701 93 74 14 5
1757 Hear that gibberish? He's born to be a politician! 1.2581 0.05701 93 74 14 5
1758 His first words last week, and now he has his own show! 1.2581 0.05048 93 71 20 2
1759 One small burp... 1.2581 0.05275 93 72 18 3
1760 But seriously folks, I'm too young to walk, but this stand-up thing is duck soup. 1.2581 0.05048 93 71 20 2
1761 His orange hair will get him elected president some day. 1.2581 0.05492 93 73 16 4
1762 I hope he'll remember us when he becomes a rock star. 1.2561 0.05435 82 63 17 2
1763 Omigosh! More articulate, mature, and compassionate than the incumbent! 1.2561 0.05964 82 65 13 4
1764 This is the last time we let Kanye babysit! 1.2561 0.06211 82 66 11 5
1765 I thought the transition from sit down to stand up comedian would take longer. 1.2561 0.05964 82 65 13 4
1766 His first four-letter word! He's ready to do stand-up! 1.2561 0.05435 82 63 17 2
1767 So he’s worked out a subversive 15 minute stand up set, yet he still can’t say “daddy”. Right.” 1.2561 0.05964 82 65 13 4
1768 I just knew playing those Baby Limbaugh tapes in the womb would pay off. 1.2561 0.06211 82 66 11 5
1769 I see some familiar faces in the back, there are plenty of seats up front... 1.2561 0.05964 82 65 13 4
1770 She's giving her first acceptance speech! 1.2561 0.05964 82 65 13 4
1771 Quick - call "My Toddler's Got Talent...." 1.2558 0.05279 86 66 18 2
1772 And you said vocal lessons during pregnancy wouldn't pay off. 1.2558 0.05279 86 66 18 2
1773 But seriously, my folks.... 1.2558 0.05279 86 66 18 2
1774 Oh look! He's cutting records before his teeth. 1.2558 0.05013 86 65 20 1
1775 A mom and dad walk into their kid's room 1.2558 0.05532 86 67 16 3
1776 Maybe we shouldn't have named him Churchill. 1.2558 0.05013 86 65 20 1
1777 He told me that he would like to rehearse for the first day at daycare! 1.2558 0.05279 86 66 18 2
1778 Look honey, he wants to be seen and heard! 1.2558 0.05774 86 68 14 4
1779 This is so much better than the live stream. 1.2558 0.05774 86 68 14 4
1780 Don’t worry, Honey. He doesn’t own the master recordings, we do. 1.2558 0.05774 86 68 14 4
1781 We have to start early if we want him to be the voice of his generation. 1.2558 0.05532 86 67 16 3
1782 His first blog was a discussion about how to transition to formula. 1.2558 0.05774 86 68 14 4
1783 I knew watching all those Netflix specials would pay off! 1.2558 0.04733 86 64 22 0
1784 Oh, Honey, listen. He’s singing our greatest hits from “In the Womb!” 1.2558 0.05774 86 68 14 4
1785 This next number is a shoutout to Moms and Pops. Heyyyy! There they are! 1.2558 0.05532 86 67 16 3
1786 Ask if he does any Beatles 1.2558 0.05279 86 66 18 2
1787 He'll be toilet-training in no time! 1.2558 0.05774 86 68 14 4
1788 He still stumbles a bit over "... thank the Nobel Committee..." 1.2558 0.05774 86 68 14 4
1789 I’ll do another set right after you change my diaper. 1.2558 0.05532 86 67 16 3
1790 Did you hear that? His first words were "Pass the torch, Joe"! 1.2558 0.05774 86 68 14 4
1791 He's downright presidential! 1.2558 0.06006 86 69 12 5
1792 May your hearts be full and your diapers empty! 1.2558 0.05532 86 67 16 3
1793 May I have the language of origin? 1.2558 0.06006 86 69 12 5
1794 And you thought he'd never get off the preschool waitlist. 1.2558 0.05774 86 68 14 4
1795 Prepping for the pre-school interview. 1.2558 0.05279 86 66 18 2
1796 I told you that in utero Mozart would pay off! 1.2558 0.05013 86 65 20 1
1797 And now, let me tell you another poop joke. 1.2558 0.05774 86 68 14 4
1798 He said BIGLY!! 1.2558 0.05532 86 67 16 3
1799 Early Trumpeting! 1.2558 0.06006 86 69 12 5
1800 Trumps first babble. 1.2558 0.05774 86 68 14 4
1801 Oh Carl! Baby’s first honorarium! 1.2558 0.06006 86 69 12 5
1802 Isn’t he cute in his little bully playpen? 1.2558 0.05532 86 67 16 3
1803 He’s announcing his Democratic Presidential candidacy! 1.2558 0.05013 86 65 20 1
1804 Thanks, folks! I’ll be here all eighteen years. 1.2558 0.05774 86 68 14 4
1805 Oh, I do hope he stays a boy! 1.2556 0.06030 90 73 11 6
1806 He's going to be a..press secretary! 1.2556 0.05819 90 72 13 5
1807 Don't get too excited. There's a difference between ambition and potential... 1.2556 0.04886 90 68 21 1
1808 He’s full of it 1.2556 0.05135 90 69 19 2
1809 Joey's parents were thrilled at his first stand up. 1.2556 0.05819 90 72 13 5
1810 All that's left is to instill in him a sense of entitlement he can never shake. 1.2556 0.05135 90 69 19 2
1811 Trump's White House 1.2556 0.05819 90 72 13 5
1812 I'd like to hear, 'Hush Little Baby'. 1.2556 0.05135 90 69 19 2
1813 He’s just learned to stand-up! 1.2556 0.05135 90 69 19 2
1814 His podcast has gone viral! 1.2556 0.04886 90 68 21 1
1815 Oh honey, it’s baby’s first stand up routine. 1.2556 0.04886 90 68 21 1
1816 But for the Constitution, he could give Mayor Pete a challenge for the youth vote! 1.2556 0.05373 90 70 17 3
1817 I think he's ready to become the President's newest press secretary. 1.2556 0.06030 90 73 11 6
1818 He made the debates! 1.2556 0.05373 90 70 17 3
1819 I told you the mic would help with his stand-up! 1.2556 0.05819 90 72 13 5
1820 Before you know it, he'll be dropping that mike! 1.2556 0.05600 90 71 15 4
1821 He loves this, but it plays havoc with his sleep schedule. He only wants to do this late at night 1.2556 0.05600 90 71 15 4
1822 Look honey! He’s playing “White House Press Secretary” 1.2556 0.05819 90 72 13 5
1823 He's definitely electable! 1.2556 0.05135 90 69 19 2
1824 Finally, stand up. 1.2556 0.05819 90 72 13 5
1825 Look, honey! He can stand up comedy all by himself. 1.2556 0.05819 90 72 13 5
1826 Oooooo, our little angel is about to give their first cribcast! 1.2556 0.05373 90 70 17 3
1827 I think this is taking the baby monitor thing a bit far. 1.2556 0.04886 90 68 21 1
1828 Couple number 37, please step forward and state your developmental, educational, psychological, financial and entertainment plans for my future. 1.2556 0.05819 90 72 13 5
1829 Let’s try another door. 1.2556 0.05373 90 70 17 3
1830 And with no teleprompter! 1.2556 0.05373 90 70 17 3
1831 ...and the best part is that it's BYOB. 1.2556 0.05373 90 70 17 3
1832 Does he have the whiner vote locked up or what? 1.2556 0.05373 90 70 17 3
1833 yet another entry into the democratic presidential election 1.2556 0.05135 90 69 19 2
1834 He can't talk yet, but look at that stage presence! 1.2556 0.05373 90 70 17 3
1835 But we read all of the baby books. How did he turn into an insult comic? 1.2556 0.05135 90 69 19 2
1836 Iowa, here we come. 1.2556 0.05600 90 71 15 4
1837 Oh listen honey. His first monologue! 1.2556 0.05135 90 69 19 2
1838 Look Jim, now he's a stand-up comedian. 1.2556 0.05600 90 71 15 4
1839 Honey, it's his first stand-up routine. 1.2556 0.05373 90 70 17 3
1840 George, our baby is doing stand-up. Remember, to laugh at the potty jokes. 1.2556 0.05135 90 69 19 2
1841 Did you hear that, honey? He just said "fake news!" 1.2556 0.05373 90 70 17 3
1842 He’s orating! 1.2556 0.04886 90 68 21 1
1843 And now for my Bar Mitzvah speech 1.2556 0.05600 90 71 15 4
1844 I wish we had forked out the money for a real baby monitor. 1.2556 0.05600 90 71 15 4
1845 I'm happy to see I have an adult audience tonight. 1.2556 0.05600 90 71 15 4
1846 Oh honey, our child is gonna grow up to be such a stand-up guy! 1.2556 0.05600 90 71 15 4
1847 And a mere nine election cycles to go! 1.2556 0.05600 90 71 15 4
1848 He's already doing fake news! 1.2556 0.05373 90 70 17 3
1849 His college tuition is paid for! 1.2556 0.05373 90 70 17 3
1850 ...no honey. He didn’t say teddy bear. He said TED talk. 1.2556 0.05600 90 71 15 4
1851 Listen, honey! He just took down his first heckler. 1.2556 0.05373 90 70 17 3
1852 He's taking control of the household by executive order! 1.2556 0.05600 90 71 15 4
1853 I’m so proud! He already offered Veep to the babysitter. 1.2556 0.05600 90 71 15 4
1854 and now here's my all time favorite, 'I can't give you anything but love, baby. 1.2556 0.05600 90 71 15 4
1855 Honey, honey! He knows the words! 1.2556 0.05135 90 69 19 2
1856 I told you keeping him would pay off eventually! 1.2556 0.05373 90 70 17 3
1857 I think he's going to start talking! 1.2556 0.05373 90 70 17 3
1858 This next song is a lullaby...going out to all you folks up past your bedtime 1.2556 0.05819 90 72 13 5
1859 Who should we call first--Conan, Stephen or one of the Jimmys? 1.2556 0.05819 90 72 13 5
1860 Actually, this is the perfect age for a smear campaign. 1.2556 0.05373 90 70 17 3
1861 So I told her... take me to bed or lose me forever! 1.2556 0.05600 90 71 15 4
1862 The podcast has done wonders for his Q Score! 1.2556 0.05135 90 69 19 2
1863 His podcast already has over a thousand toddlers. 1.2556 0.05600 90 71 15 4
1864 His first words were "Take my crib--please!' 1.2556 0.05600 90 71 15 4
1865 It's your turn to do his sound check. 1.2556 0.05373 90 70 17 3
1866 makes you kinda proud to be the first followers 1.2556 0.05600 90 71 15 4
1867 Look Harry, our little pooper-mooner is a super-crooner! 1.2556 0.05600 90 71 15 4
1868 Look honey, so presidential! He has the same vocabulary and hair like Trump's." 1.2556 0.05819 90 72 13 5
1869 I just hope he thanks his parents. 1.2556 0.05373 90 70 17 3
1870 The moment Mr. and Mrs. Kastell knew that baby boy Carl needed a diaper change. 1.2556 0.05373 90 70 17 3
1871 Oh, Fred! I had a feeling Andy called us to his room for a reason." 1.2556 0.04886 90 68 21 1
1872 Yikes honey, he just declared War on us! 1.2556 0.05600 90 71 15 4
1873 Omg, it's his first spoken word! 1.2556 0.05600 90 71 15 4
1874 He offered his tax returns! 1.2556 0.04886 90 68 21 1
1875 Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for the two beautiful people that brought me into this world. 1.2556 0.04886 90 68 21 1
1876 And here's to our brave men and women in the Armed Forces! 1.2556 0.05819 90 72 13 5
1877 Could we have a round of applause for my Mom and Dad. I couldn’t be up here without ya 1.2556 0.05135 90 69 19 2
1878 His campaign promises "Pot in every chicken." 1.2556 0.05819 90 72 13 5
1879 Yikes! He really does sound like the Boss! 1.2556 0.05373 90 70 17 3
1880 He's playing to his base! 1.2556 0.05600 90 71 15 4
1881 Relax Dear. That’s PBS. 1.2556 0.05600 90 71 15 4
1882 And now for your first word request "MOM " 1.2556 0.05373 90 70 17 3
1883 He’s doing it, honey! He’s toddling for president! 1.2556 0.05373 90 70 17 3
1884 Wait until he does the cover of In Utero. 1.2556 0.05819 90 72 13 5
1885 I am honored to announce to that I will be seeking the Democratic nomination for daycare president 1.2556 0.05373 90 70 17 3
1886 Look, Fred! It’s his FIRST standup routine!! 1.2556 0.05373 90 70 17 3
1887 I love it when he talks tough on immigration. 1.2556 0.05819 90 72 13 5
1888 He's going viral on Youtube! 1.2553 0.05440 94 74 16 4
1889 Thanks, I'll be here all childhood. Try the mashed carrots! 1.2553 0.05226 94 73 18 3
1890 I wonder what she will say when she can talk? 1.2553 0.05440 94 74 16 4
1891 Just what we need, another politician with no work experience. 1.2553 0.05002 94 72 20 2
1892 I told you Honey, “Stable genius. Stable genius.” His first words! 1.2553 0.05226 94 73 18 3
1893 He's leaving us. 1.2551 0.04426 98 78 17 3
1894 Standing up is easy...it's his delivery that's so exciting. 1.2545 0.07879 55 45 6 4
1895 Ma...Ahem. Ma-Ma 1.2530 0.06143 83 67 11 5
1896 Baby's first empty promises! 1.2530 0.05899 83 66 13 4
1897 And don’t forget to tip your parents. 1.2530 0.05645 83 65 15 3
1898 He really speaks the language of the people. 1.2530 0.05899 83 66 13 4
1899 So presidential! 1.2530 0.06378 83 68 9 6
1900 The baby comic Dirty diaper, Dirty mouth I had hopes he'd work clean 1.2530 0.05378 83 64 17 2
1901 Well at least the stand-up part of his comedy is a success. 1.2530 0.06143 83 67 11 5
1902 The State of our Union is terriffic, maybe the best ever. 1.2530 0.05645 83 65 15 3
1903 His style is a little bit 'emo' and a little bit 'rage rock.' 1.2530 0.05645 83 65 15 3
1904 He’s at that age—The Terrible-Two-Drink Minimum. 1.2529 0.05476 87 68 16 3
1905 Oh look, he is finally announcing his college choice. 1.2527 0.05086 91 70 19 2
1906 He just made his first retraction! 1.2527 0.04840 91 69 21 1
1907 Yes, gravitas, I knew it! 1.2527 0.04840 91 69 21 1
1908 Honey, his hands are so presidential! 1.2527 0.06171 91 75 9 7
1909 "Let's make sure he grows up with plenty of material about his dysfunctional parents! 1.2527 0.05321 91 71 17 3
1910 A year old and he's already more eloquent than most adults. 1.2527 0.05321 91 71 17 3
1911 Just think, in 70 years he could be a Presidential Candidate! 1.2527 0.05321 91 71 17 3
1912 We'll call him Henny Really Youngman. 1.2527 0.05321 91 71 17 3
1913 But seriously now folks - if my standup seems infantile, what are you doing watching me? 1.2527 0.05546 91 72 15 4
1914 and if I'm elected.... 1.2527 0.05762 91 73 13 5
1915 Mamma don’t let your babies grow up to be cowboys.... 1.2527 0.05762 91 73 13 5
1916 His stand-up is all about standing up." 1.2527 0.05086 91 70 19 2
1917 His first pandering oversimplification. 1.2527 0.05546 91 72 15 4
1918 Give Rodney a little respect, dear. 1.2527 0.05546 91 72 15 4
1919 Breaking news: I need my diaper changed. 1.2527 0.05321 91 71 17 3
1920 And heree's JOHNNY!! 1.2527 0.05762 91 73 13 5
1921 He's already signing at a third-grade level! 1.2527 0.05321 91 71 17 3
1922 ...and most of all I'd like to thank my parents, who I couldn't have gotten here without." 1.2527 0.05321 91 71 17 3
1923 Today, I am announcing my candidacy for pwesident of the United States of Amerwica. 1.2527 0.05321 91 71 17 3
1924 Aww, he says there are 2 million here for his little inauguration. 1.2527 0.05321 91 71 17 3
1925 I told you he'd stand up to do stand-up! 1.2527 0.05762 91 73 13 5
1926 He already has more Twitter followers than Bernie Sanders. 1.2527 0.05970 91 74 11 6
1927 I knew I was right to put him on that gifted preschool waitlist 10 years ago 1.2527 0.05762 91 73 13 5
1928 His first joke! 'Take my mom—please!'" 1.2527 0.05762 91 73 13 5
1929 I think he said, "Make babies great again." 1.2527 0.05546 91 72 15 4
1930 Now I'd like to do one from my new CD called Maple Street Prison Blues... 1.2527 0.05321 91 71 17 3
1931 When the new White House Press Secretary, Stephanie Grisham, goes down, he will be so-o-o-o ready. 1.2527 0.05546 91 72 15 4
1932 They saw him on YouTube, and Fox News just offered him the hour before Sean Hannity! 1.2527 0.05321 91 71 17 3
1933 Now all is set for when he says his first word 1.2527 0.05762 91 73 13 5
1934 His first word was 'Dada' but his second is gonna be 'SHOWBIZ'!!! 1.2527 0.05321 91 71 17 3
1935 I take it back, honey. The “My First Podcast Set” wasn’t a stupid gift. 1.2527 0.05546 91 72 15 4
1936 And Now, for THE 12 BEST Baby songs EVER! Baby I Love U Jennifer Lopez Baby I Need Your Lovin Baby, It's Cold Outside Be My Baby Be My Baby Tonight Coney Island Baby Lou Reed Cry Baby Cry The Beatles I'll Be Your Baby Tonigh Bob Dylan 1.2527 0.05546 91 72 15 4
1937 Do you think he knows we didn't contribute to his super PAC? 1.2527 0.05086 91 70 19 2
1938 That’s something alright ...But can he capture the independent and swing voters? 1.2527 0.05546 91 72 15 4
1939 Look honey! It’s his first election speech! 1.2527 0.05762 91 73 13 5
1940 His first word was "economic," and then he said "inequality!" 1.2527 0.05546 91 72 15 4
1941 He says free day care. 1.2527 0.05546 91 72 15 4
1942 You just wait and see, one day he'll be the president of his kindergarten group. 1.2527 0.05086 91 70 19 2
1943 He's going to be a politician,...or, a comedian,... or both! 1.2527 0.05762 91 73 13 5
1944 Wow, honey, our baby skipped crawl up, sit-up and moved right into stand-up 1.2527 0.06171 91 75 9 7
1945 I'm worried about Sesame Street, not Wall Street. 1.2527 0.04840 91 69 21 1
1946 He's grown out of his teleprompter phase ! 1.2527 0.05546 91 72 15 4
1947 Oh look honey, he's already announcing his intention to run for president. 1.2527 0.05546 91 72 15 4
1948 On the beaches and in the air, we will take care of teddy bear! 1.2527 0.05546 91 72 15 4
1949 He's practicing for the debates 1.2527 0.05546 91 72 15 4
1950 And he's decided to run as a Democrat! 1.2527 0.05970 91 74 11 6
1951 Shhh...Junior’s recording his first podcast. 1.2527 0.05546 91 72 15 4
1952 Awww, when he does McArthur Park he IS Richard Harris. 1.2527 0.05321 91 71 17 3
1953 Honey, I think there's a better way to pay the mortgage. 1.2527 0.05086 91 70 19 2
1954 Honey, I'm afraid he's been typecast. 1.2527 0.05321 91 71 17 3
1955 I’ll be here all week. Try the veal. And don’t forget to tip my parents. 1.2527 0.05762 91 73 13 5
1956 George, our son's podcast has more viewers than any other podcast at preschool! 1.2527 0.05321 91 71 17 3
1957 Take my teddy bear.... please 1.2527 0.05086 91 70 19 2
1958 Oh Fred, he just demeaned his first minority! 1.2527 0.05321 91 71 17 3
1959 now all we have to do is paint him orange! 1.2527 0.05970 91 74 11 6
1960 Honey his first podcast! 1.2527 0.05546 91 72 15 4
1961 Jean Piaget, we need you! 1.2527 0.05762 91 73 13 5
1962 He’s captured the crib base. 1.2527 0.05762 91 73 13 5
1963 He does stand-up, and he's not even Jewish. 1.2527 0.05321 91 71 17 3
1964 Mr. & Mrs. Stern beamed with pride at their little Howard. 1.2527 0.05086 91 70 19 2
1965 It feels like just yesterday he was still our baby, they just grow up so fast. 1.2527 0.05546 91 72 15 4
1966 I’m so glad we invested in the podcasting lessons. Now he’s guaranteed a spot in preschool. 1.2527 0.05546 91 72 15 4
1967 Oh, honey! His first words were, "My fellow Americans". 1.2527 0.05086 91 70 19 2
1968 Oh, Fred...isn't that cute? Asking for a Teleprompter!! 1.2527 0.05321 91 71 17 3
1969 Honey. Isn't it wonderful how Donald plays with his toys?! 1.2527 0.05546 91 72 15 4
1970 In all of my year, I have found that a full diaper is not comfortable. 1.2500 0.05764 80 63 14 3
1971 He can't walk yet, but he can definitely do stand-up 1.2500 0.05657 88 70 14 4
1972 Oh, honey! We always wanted a comedian. 1.2500 0.05421 88 69 16 3
1973 Well he certainly has the temperament and maturity... 1.2500 0.06289 80 65 10 5
1974 See, I told you we would do a different kind of birth announcement. 1.2500 0.06536 80 66 8 6
1975 Mom and Dad hear Walter's first sentence: "And that's the way it is." 1.2500 0.05764 80 63 14 3
1976 Throw my hat in the ring. I am much younger than Bernie. 1.2500 0.06289 80 65 10 5
1977 He sounds just like Donald Trump! We're going to be rich! 1.2500 0.05657 88 70 14 4
1978 He's declaring his intention of running for class president at his daycare facility. 1.2500 0.05186 80 61 18 1
1979 See? It doesn’t take any skill or knowledge!! 1.2500 0.05186 80 61 18 1
1980 It's time to pass the torch to a younger generation. 1.2500 0.04916 88 67 20 1
1981 Look, next month he'll be going viral! 1.2500 0.05764 80 63 14 3
1982 Oh look Jerry, there will be another PeePee-Town podcast episode after all. 1.2500 0.05175 88 68 18 2
1983 Finally, a reliable Press Secretary! 1.2500 0.05186 80 61 18 1
1984 Isn't it wonderful that our little one wants to be the White House Press Secretary when he grows up. 1.2500 0.05483 80 62 16 2
1985 The latest Democratic candidate! 1.2500 0.05883 88 71 12 5
1986 I think we'll survive the death of Grumpy Cat, George. 1.2500 0.05764 80 63 14 3
1987 I think we can skip kindergarten. 1.2500 0.05764 80 63 14 3
1988 Next is prep school, then Harvard, then the presidency, corruption, impeachment and banishment! 1.2500 0.05705 92 74 13 5
1989 Baby Springsteen. 1.2500 0.06289 80 65 10 5
1990 Look, he´s wearing his birthday suit! 1.2500 0.05483 80 62 16 2
1991 He just stands there and stands there. We don't need to hear about all his qualifications. 1.2500 0.05483 80 62 16 2
1992 I think Frank just said do-be-do-be-do! 1.2500 0.05492 92 73 15 4
1993 In time, I hope his standup expands beyond Teddy Bears. 1.2500 0.06033 80 64 12 4
1994 This concludes my college entrance essay. Thank you. 1.2500 0.06033 80 64 12 4
1995 I think he's workshopping jokes for daycare. 1.2500 0.05764 80 63 14 3
1996 There's a two drink minimum tonight Ma, hustle it ova here would ya?! Baby's thirsty. Is this thing on? 1.2500 0.05175 88 68 18 2
1997 What do you think his policy will be for increasing diversity at daycare? 1.2500 0.05421 88 69 16 3
1998 He's going to announce he's forming an exploratory committee for 2068! 1.2500 0.06033 80 64 12 4
1999 Where did you get those vitamin supplements? 1.2500 0.06101 88 72 10 6
2000 Pence is out. Ivanka is my new Veep. I'll be here all week. 1.2500 0.06033 80 64 12 4
2001 Make America small again. 1.2500 0.06101 88 72 10 6
2002 We are his nexts guests! 1.2500 0.05764 80 63 14 3
2003 Is this thing on?" 1.2500 0.05657 88 70 14 4
2004 Your mother will love our new soundscape album. 1.2500 0.06289 80 65 10 5
2005 And to think it's just baby talk! 1.2500 0.05483 80 62 16 2
2006 And this is baby Snooks signing off for tonight. Remember I will be back tomorrow evening to answer all your questions about"Raising Parents." 1.2500 0.05764 80 63 14 3
2007 Look dear. He doesn’t have to grow up to be Presidential. 1.2500 0.05764 80 63 14 3
2008 Look! He’s already more talented than you are. 1.2500 0.05657 88 70 14 4
2009 I wouldn't have to go to these lengths if you would answer your emails 1.2500 0.06033 80 64 12 4
2010 He’s every bit as presidential as....... 1.2500 0.06289 80 65 10 5
2011 Mamas, don't let your babies grow up to be presidents. 1.2500 0.05657 88 70 14 4
2012 I didn't know we had airports during the revolutionary war. 1.2500 0.06536 80 66 8 6
2013 Who's all a-twitter now? 1.2500 0.06033 80 64 12 4
2014 Sure, he works blue. But it's baby blue. 1.2500 0.05764 80 63 14 3
2015 Honey, he just made his first offbeat observation. 1.2500 0.06077 84 68 11 5
2016 Look, Donnie's having his parade! 1.2500 0.05483 80 62 16 2
2017 Shhh! He is recording! 1.2500 0.05046 84 64 19 1
2018 Look! Only three and he's already doing stand-up! 1.2500 0.05764 80 63 14 3
2019 It's true. The medium is the message. 1.2500 0.05175 88 68 18 2
2020 I knew it, I knew it! The State house and then the Oval!!! 1.2500 0.05764 80 63 14 3
2021 ...and don’t get me started on baby food. I mean, is it meat or is it peaches? Oh, never mind, I’ll be the one to find out. 1.2500 0.05175 88 68 18 2
2022 Look Honey, another Democrat running for President! 1.2500 0.06033 80 64 12 4
2023 He even included a flyover. 1.2500 0.05764 80 63 14 3
2024 His first stand-up set! 1.2500 0.05421 88 69 16 3
2025 Isn't he the cutest little standup comic ever?! 1.2500 0.05764 80 63 14 3
2026 Thanks folks, I'll be here all infancy 1.2500 0.05541 96 77 14 5
2027 He's running on a platform of poop and vomit! 1.2500 0.05483 80 62 16 2
2028 Ahhhhh , his first words : My fellow Americans ! 1.2500 0.06289 80 65 10 5
2029 Look, he just said his first words- Lady GooGoo GaGa! 1.2500 0.06033 80 64 12 4
2030 For starters, we are not babies. We are infants! 1.2500 0.05764 80 63 14 3
2031 Thank you, I’m here all week. 1.2500 0.05883 88 71 12 5
2032 Now if only he's transgender! 1.2500 0.06033 80 64 12 4
2033 The best part is that his jokes can’t offend anyone! 1.2500 0.05657 88 70 14 4
2034 Sure. I’m proud he decided to broadcast, but very worried he’ll throw a tantrum over low crowd estimates. 1.2500 0.05421 88 69 16 3
2035 Breast feeding on demand. What a concept! 1.2500 0.05175 88 68 18 2
2036 There once was a man from Nantucket. 1.2500 0.05657 88 70 14 4
2037 Sorry sir, no seating until intermission. 1.2500 0.06033 80 64 12 4
2038 Aw, hon...his very first poop joke. 1.2500 0.05657 88 70 14 4
2039 It must be time to change his diapers. 1.2500 0.06536 80 66 8 6
2040 When he can read,we'll get the teleprompter! 1.2500 0.06033 80 64 12 4
2041 The bear got his. Next! 1.2500 0.06077 84 68 11 5
2042 He’ll either be stand-up comic or a politician…what’s the difference? 1.2500 0.06101 88 72 10 6
2043 Oh look our son has put away his childish things and become a little man. 1.2500 0.05421 88 69 16 3
2044 Good morning to you from my crib to yours 1.2500 0.05175 88 68 18 2
2045 I suppose you're all wondering why I asked you here today ... 1.2500 0.05764 80 63 14 3
2046 When your mom said you had 'funny genes' I thought she was talking about your pants. 1.2500 0.05883 88 71 12 5
2047 He's too young to rock-n-roll, and he's too old to cry. 1.2500 0.05764 80 63 14 3
2048 The doctor says it's important to expose him to hecklers early 1.2500 0.05483 80 62 16 2
2049 Sshhh!. He's live on the Fox news special about toilet training 1.2500 0.05492 92 73 15 4
2050 I think he really wants to tell us something very important! 1.2500 0.05764 80 63 14 3
2051 I see he has put away childish things already 1.2500 0.05764 80 63 14 3
2052 His intellect is about right for the job. We need to focus on his articulation. 1.2500 0.06536 80 66 8 6
2053 Oh God, I gave birth to Benjamin Trump. “ 1.2500 0.05883 88 71 12 5
2054 Oh, Sarah dear, he sure does remind me of your mother! 1.2500 0.06033 80 64 12 4
2055 I am announcing my candidacy for the Democratic Party nomination for President — and I need a new diaper. 1.2500 0.05657 88 70 14 4
2056 Yikes! He is becoming a lying, racist idiot! 1.2500 0.06289 80 65 10 5
2057 I tried to tell him there’s already too many democrats in the race. And you know what he tells me? He’s running as a republican. I don’t really want to move to D.C. , but when you consider the competition— he could actually win 1.2500 0.05421 88 69 16 3
2058 It's time to get rid of the crib. 1.2500 0.05186 80 61 18 1
2059 I'm sure it's just a phase - " build the wall " doesn't mean anything. 1.2500 0.06033 80 64 12 4
2060 They’re ready to declare their gender! 1.2500 0.06033 80 64 12 4
2061 Awww... Georgie's first Ted Talks 1.2500 0.05421 88 69 16 3
2062 I’ve converted the Nursery into a Karaoke Lounge David Covintree, NYC, NY 1.2473 0.04751 93 71 21 1
2063 I coached him to start out with a joke. 1.2472 0.05600 89 71 14 4
2064 An old man in a baby's body! He could win, Harold, he could win! 1.2472 0.05600 89 71 14 4
2065 ...and furthermore we need to lower the voting age to include ALL Americans. 1.2472 0.05367 89 70 16 3
2066 Is it ok if I heckle? 1.2472 0.05600 89 71 14 4
2067 What's the deal with airplane food? One second it's a spoon, the next it's a plan flying into my mouth? 1.2472 0.05600 89 71 14 4
2068 Presidential, don’t you think? 1.2472 0.05367 89 70 16 3
2069 Have I told you the one about the dirty diaper? 1.2472 0.05600 89 71 14 4
2070 Goodbye Neil Armstrong. Hello Jerry Seinfeld. 1.2472 0.05367 89 70 16 3
2071 What if other people don’t think he’s funny? 1.2471 0.05527 85 67 15 3
2072 "Quick, let's get him an agent. 1.2469 0.05966 81 65 12 4
2073 I liked his old stuff better. 1.2469 0.05701 81 64 14 3
2074 Notice how he modulates when he cries. 1.2469 0.05424 81 63 16 2
2075 He's already workshopping! 1.2469 0.05701 81 64 14 3
2076 No cover charge? How good can he be? 1.2469 0.05424 81 63 16 2
2077 Babbling nonsense in a mic... he's so destined to be President! 1.2469 0.06219 81 66 10 5
2078 A pregnancy during the campaign season has its repercussions! 1.2469 0.05966 81 65 12 4
2079 I think he found his voice! 1.2469 0.06219 81 66 10 5
2080 Honey! Little Johnny can stand up... while doing stand up! 1.2469 0.05701 81 64 14 3
2081 Oh honey! He's not going to be an astronaut after all. He's going to be President! 1.2469 0.05701 81 64 14 3
2082 Oh Dear, he's outgrown the baby monitor already. 1.2469 0.06219 81 66 10 5
2083 Live from New York, goo goo ga ga goo goo night 1.2469 0.06219 81 66 10 5
2084 Darling, look! It's his first stump speech! 1.2469 0.05424 81 63 16 2
2085 He's campaigning for open boarders! 1.2469 0.05701 81 64 14 3
2086 His first words were Mama Mia. 1.2469 0.05424 81 63 16 2
2087 After each speech our darling little president poops his pants. 1.2469 0.05966 81 65 12 4
2088 Look what the cat dragged in - I don't know whether to cry, shit, or suck on a titty - go ahead laugh dad, I do when you walk in the door. 1.2469 0.06219 81 66 10 5
2089 This Baby Shark thing is getting out of hand! 1.2469 0.06462 81 67 8 6
2090 So, a toddler walks into nine bars. 1.2469 0.05966 81 65 12 4
2091 I always knew all that prenatal exposure to talk radio would pay off. 1.2469 0.05424 81 63 16 2
2092 Honey, I think he just made his first podcast! 1.2469 0.05966 81 65 12 4
2093 He said 'Military-Industrial Complex'! 1.2469 0.05701 81 64 14 3
2094 'Oh, Honey! His first Nursery Rap!" 1.2469 0.05424 81 63 16 2
2095 Look how presidential he is! 1.2469 0.05966 81 65 12 4
2096 Honey, he’s going to make the nursery great again! 1.2469 0.06462 81 67 8 6
2097 OMG! We're going to have a politician in the family! 1.2469 0.05701 81 64 14 3
2098 Just think, someday he'll hate us!" 1.2469 0.05701 81 64 14 3
2099 Rigoletto! Nailed it! 1.2469 0.05424 81 63 16 2
2100 Look! He's picked up his first mic! 1.2469 0.05424 81 63 16 2
2101 Any moment now! 1.2469 0.05966 81 65 12 4
2102 Look honey! He’s begging for his very first quarter 1.2469 0.05701 81 64 14 3
2103 He didn't say it he SANG it!!! I told you a Star was born! 1.2469 0.06219 81 66 10 5
2104 He already has trolls! 1.2469 0.05701 81 64 14 3
2105 I'm not a bad boy anymore; I'm a changed man. 1.2469 0.06219 81 66 10 5
2106 ...and he loves a wet diaper just like our current Commander-in-Chief! 1.2469 0.06697 81 68 6 7
2107 And the first contestant on Toddler's Got Talent will be our own Little Richard. 1.2469 0.06219 81 66 10 5
2108 So let me tell youse all about what life is like in the pen. 1.2469 0.05701 81 64 14 3
2109 See honey?! I told you he could stand up! 1.2469 0.06219 81 66 10 5
2110 Look, honey, I think he's practicing to be our Commander in Chief some day. 1.2469 0.05701 81 64 14 3
2111 People of the living room, greetings! 1.2469 0.05424 81 63 16 2
2112 If he is singing "My Way," we are sending him to boarding school for kindergarten! 1.2469 0.05966 81 65 12 4
2113 Don’t forget to tip your milk providers and bottle washers! 1.2469 0.05701 81 64 14 3
2114 Look, Honey! Stand-up—& without any crib notes, no less! 1.2469 0.05966 81 65 12 4
2115 Exceptional. If only the President were as articulate! 1.2469 0.06219 81 66 10 5
2116 ‘YOU SUCK!’ Paediatricians say it’s important to start heckling them as this age. 1.2469 0.05701 81 64 14 3
2117 I read all the best wedding singers started before the age of one. 1.2469 0.05966 81 65 12 4
2118 Baby monitor, shaby monitor, this kid’s ready for prime time! 1.2469 0.05701 81 64 14 3
2119 Act 3, Act 3– Watch your back, Ira Glasss. 1.2469 0.06219 81 66 10 5
2120 Look Larry, listening to those Churchill speeches during my pregnancy really paid off! 1.2469 0.05424 81 63 16 2
2121 Beware of the Military-Industrial Crib Mobile! 1.2469 0.06219 81 66 10 5
2122 Honey, I think we might have our next Secretary of Defense! 1.2469 0.05966 81 65 12 4
2123 I wanna give him a Huggie. 1.2469 0.05966 81 65 12 4
2124 I’d like to thank my mother for raising me—and the mic. 1.2469 0.05966 81 65 12 4
2125 What a little darling - playing president. 1.2469 0.05701 81 64 14 3
2126 He's not just standing,Hon! He's doing stand up! 1.2469 0.05966 81 65 12 4
2127 His YouTube subscribers will love this out-of-reach bear episode. 1.2469 0.05701 81 64 14 3
2128 Look, Steve! It's his first monologue. 1.2469 0.05966 81 65 12 4
2129 They say this is how Mrs. Maisel started out. 1.2469 0.05701 81 64 14 3
2130 And when I'm elected there will be FREE graham crackers for all from birth through third grade. 1.2469 0.05966 81 65 12 4
2131 He's nominating us for best parents of the year award 1.2469 0.05701 81 64 14 3
2132 Lady’s and. Gentlemen, give it up for the happy couple 1.2469 0.06219 81 66 10 5
2133 Before I say my first word, a word from our sponsors. 1.2469 0.05966 81 65 12 4
2134 It's a great start. As soon as he can read we'll get him a teleprompter. 1.2469 0.05131 81 62 18 1
2135 His tax plan sounds better than any of the others. 1.2469 0.05966 81 65 12 4
2136 The teleprompter says, "I'm fine, go back to sleep, Mom and Dad." 1.2469 0.05966 81 65 12 4
2137 I just know his first words will be life alteringly brilliant! 1.2469 0.06219 81 66 10 5
2138 When did he learn to speak in German??? 1.2469 0.06219 81 66 10 5
2139 Now he wants me to deliver Ohio. 1.2469 0.05701 81 64 14 3
2140 OMG! He's doing stand-up before he even walks. 1.2469 0.05966 81 65 12 4
2141 How cute! He sounds just like President Trump! 1.2469 0.06462 81 67 8 6
2142 Another one running for President? 1.2469 0.06219 81 66 10 5
2143 Wow. I bet Joe Biden wasn’t prepared for that one either. 1.2469 0.05701 81 64 14 3
2144 Oh I hope he does “O Mio Babbino Caro” again! 1.2469 0.05966 81 65 12 4
2145 Oh, honey look! He’s going off script! 1.2469 0.05701 81 64 14 3
2146 Baby Gaga live from the crib. 1.2469 0.05966 81 65 12 4
2147 Im here all week. 1.2469 0.06462 81 67 8 6
2148 At nine months, he should start taking requests... 1.2469 0.05701 81 64 14 3
2149 Bob, look. He could be our next president! 1.2469 0.05966 81 65 12 4
2150 Quick, get the camera! Donny is giving his first executive order! 1.2469 0.05701 81 64 14 3
2151 Get ready.. here comes his first mic drop! 1.2469 0.05966 81 65 12 4
2152 His first words are “Testing , testing 123”. 1.2469 0.05701 81 64 14 3
2153 Honey, just think; we were his first followers! 1.2469 0.05701 81 64 14 3
2154 Contrary to the saying, a star is raised, not born. 1.2469 0.05131 81 62 18 1
2155 This way, I can hear him from the bar on the corner. 1.2469 0.05966 81 65 12 4
2156 And now, for all you youngsters out there, we have a really big show! 1.2469 0.05424 81 63 16 2
2157 If he starts right now, he’ll be on schedule for the 2044 primaries! 1.2469 0.05424 81 63 16 2
2158 He was inspired by Andrew Dice Clay's nursery rhymes. 1.2469 0.06219 81 66 10 5
2159 Look! He's outgrown his teddy bear. 1.2469 0.05701 81 64 14 3
2160 Boss baby, or child prodigy? I’m not quite sure. 1.2469 0.05701 81 64 14 3
2161 Gasp! Now he just has to learn how to lie. 1.2469 0.05701 81 64 14 3
2162 Whether he's the new Pavarotti or the next Judy Garland, we'll accept him just the way he is! 1.2469 0.05424 81 63 16 2
2163 I want to take this opportunity to announce my candidacy for president of the United States in the Democratic primary. 1.2469 0.05701 81 64 14 3
2164 The Baby Blog will bring in a fortune! 1.2444 0.05314 90 71 16 3
2165 Tell the “I don’t get no respect” joke again, Rodney. 1.2442 0.05715 86 69 13 4
2166 Look, honey! He's doing stand-up on his own! 1.2442 0.05214 86 67 17 2
2167 For my encore, I’d like to rock your socks with my rendition of “Baa, Baa Black Sheep.” 1.2442 0.05470 86 68 15 3
2168 Oh Honey, look - he started his own podcast entitled "Eat, Sleep, Poop." 1.2442 0.05949 86 70 11 5
2169 Who would have guessed that his first words would be “a funny thing happened...”? 1.2442 0.05715 86 69 13 4
2170 I'd like to announce my candidacy for President of the United States" 1.2442 0.05715 86 69 13 4
2171 Babies don't usually stand-up this young! 1.2442 0.05949 86 70 11 5
2172 I told you it'd be worth the extra thousand for Chuck Schumer's sperm! 1.2442 0.05214 86 67 17 2
2173 1953 - Our own little Ozzy Osbourne - He bit the arm off of his teddy bear! 1.2442 0.05470 86 68 15 3
2174 Look at our precious Baby Gaga 1.2442 0.05470 86 68 15 3
2175 Thanks! You've been great! I'll be here all year! 1.2442 0.04945 86 66 19 1
2176 He said, "Take my parents...please!". 1.2442 0.05715 86 69 13 4
2177 His first YouTube monologue. 1.2442 0.05470 86 68 15 3
2178 He's a showman just like his father! 1.2442 0.05949 86 70 11 5
2179 For my first number I’d like to pee while Mom changes my di-dee. Let’s give her a nice welcome everyone. 1.2442 0.05470 86 68 15 3
2180 I’m new to stand up comedy. 1.2442 0.04945 86 66 19 1
2181 Look, he's standing up! 1.2442 0.05470 86 68 15 3
2182 Yes, Mr. President. 1.2442 0.05470 86 68 15 3
2183 His first speech without a crib sheet. 1.2442 0.05715 86 69 13 4
2184 Honey, I want to take this time to tell you I slept with a lounge singer in Vegas two years ago. 1.2442 0.05715 86 69 13 4
2185 No tuition! 1.2442 0.05470 86 68 15 3
2186 He’s working on a Ted Talk: How to make the most of crib life. 1.2442 0.05214 86 67 17 2
2187 And a big shout out to the sperm donor.” 1.2442 0.05715 86 69 13 4
2188 Who's the sixty-eighth Democratic primary candidate? That's right! You are! 1.2442 0.04945 86 66 19 1
2189 He’s doing standup! 1.2442 0.05214 86 67 17 2
2190 Larry, his first words were, “Take my father, ...please” 1.2442 0.05470 86 68 15 3
2191 Oh, Honey! His very first campaign speech! 1.2442 0.05214 86 67 17 2
2192 Oh my God! He said "goo gaw goo"! With our money and our contacts at Harvard, he'll be the next Füher of America! 1.2442 0.05470 86 68 15 3
2193 Shall we promote our little stand-up comedian as infantile or juvenile? 1.2442 0.05214 86 67 17 2
2194 I like all his songs, but his rendition of The Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favorite. 1.2442 0.05715 86 69 13 4
2195 Never mind. He just keeps repeating, 'Pass the torch!' 1.2442 0.05470 86 68 15 3
2196 Indeed, he exhibits exceptional stump precocity, but I wish his vocabulary were broader than "Lock her up!". 1.2442 0.05470 86 68 15 3
2197 I'm running in the primary on a platform of stronger crib regulations. We can't allow just any Teddy in the crib. 1.2442 0.04945 86 66 19 1
2198 Honey, he's lip-synching the President! 1.2442 0.06175 86 71 9 6
2199 I swear it sounds like first words were Lady Gaga. 1.2442 0.05214 86 67 17 2
2200 Not looking forward to our arguments about career choice in 10 years. 1.2442 0.05715 86 69 13 4
2201 There’s no business like poop business laaa lala 1.2442 0.05214 86 67 17 2
2202 Looks like he plans to rock himself to sleep. 1.2442 0.05470 86 68 15 3
2203 The parenting book said we should do all we can to help him find his own voice. 1.2442 0.04945 86 66 19 1
2204 Two toddlers got on to a bus 1.2442 0.05715 86 69 13 4
2205 I told you "Fly Me to the Moon" was not a suitable choice for a lullaby! 1.2442 0.05715 86 69 13 4
2206 *Gasp* I KNOW him!!!! 1.2442 0.05715 86 69 13 4
2207 Isn't this exciting, his very first cribcast. 1.2442 0.04945 86 66 19 1
2208 Look! His first stand up, standing up! 1.2442 0.05470 86 68 15 3
2209 Look! He's started his own podcast! 1.2442 0.05715 86 69 13 4
2210 WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA 1.2442 0.05949 86 70 11 5
2211 Maybe we should stop this before he turns into a politician. 1.2442 0.05470 86 68 15 3
2212 Electability is an issue- he’s polling in the terrible twos. 1.2442 0.04945 86 66 19 1
2213 Amazing for a kid whose age group doesn't even have a title yet. 1.2442 0.05470 86 68 15 3
2214 Articulate at conception, I was born to lead! 1.2442 0.05214 86 67 17 2
2215 Let's not tell him he has to be thirty-five to be president. 1.2442 0.05214 86 67 17 2
2216 I told you the 18+ months speech writing class would pay off! 1.2442 0.05715 86 69 13 4
2217 Oh, look at him, on his little podium giving his state of the family address! 1.2442 0.04945 86 66 19 1
2218 55,000 YouTube subscribers, $3,000 ad revenue, and all he says is "Mama" and "Dada." 1.2442 0.04945 86 66 19 1
2219 Testing, testing 1,2,1,2. Ga ga goo goo. 1.2442 0.05470 86 68 15 3
2220 Remarkable - our child is going to be the President of the United States! 1.2442 0.05470 86 68 15 3
2221 Unaccustomed as I am to public peeing... 1.2442 0.06175 86 71 9 6
2222 Don't tell me he's demanding a wall........ 1.2442 0.05715 86 69 13 4
2223 Oh look! They're filming "Back to the Future, Trump Edition." 1.2442 0.05949 86 70 11 5
2224 I think this podcast on alien diapers will get even more downloads than the strained peas conspiracy. 1.2442 0.05949 86 70 11 5
2225 Oh, Frank! He just made his first stump speech! 1.2442 0.05715 86 69 13 4
2226 Honey, get the camera! It's his first apology speech! 1.2442 0.05214 86 67 17 2
2227 At least if he whips "his" dick out they'll be no media backlash. 1.2442 0.05470 86 68 15 3
2228 I'd tell him not to quit his day job, but he's two. 1.2442 0.04945 86 66 19 1
2229 He's really making the most of his platform 1.2442 0.05715 86 69 13 4
2230 Stand up is so much more advanced than improv! 1.2442 0.05470 86 68 15 3
2231 By installing a full studio, instead of just a baby monitor, he'll be an influencer before he's five years old! 1.2442 0.04945 86 66 19 1
2232 Look Honey, it's his first stand up! 1.2442 0.05470 86 68 15 3
2233 And if elected, I will not serve 1.2442 0.05470 86 68 15 3
2234 Isn't he too young for "A Hard Rain's A-Gonna Fall"? 1.2442 0.05470 86 68 15 3
2235 So that's what you meant by the baby can do 'stand up'! 1.2442 0.05470 86 68 15 3
2236 And just today he delivered his very first punch line! 1.2442 0.05715 86 69 13 4
2237 I dare you to name one other candidate with his spotless record! 1.2442 0.05715 86 69 13 4
2238 Sure we want to change his bedtime hour, but I'm so proud of his first filibuster. 1.2442 0.05715 86 69 13 4
2239 He sounds just like Yoko! 1.2442 0.05470 86 68 15 3
2240 He gave a shout out to his mother. That's me! 1.2442 0.04945 86 66 19 1
2241 Senator, As you can see, I've been looking at transportation my whole life. There, I am an expert. But I have failed completely in the preservation of the stuffed Kodiak bear. I just can't reach it. I step down from this committee assignment. 1.2442 0.05470 86 68 15 3
2242 Where did we go wrong??!!? 1.2442 0.05470 86 68 15 3
2243 He live streamed momma. 1.2442 0.04945 86 66 19 1
2244 In this industry, I'm worried he might get into baby powder. 1.2442 0.05715 86 69 13 4
2245 His Morning's Broadcast got 14 'Likes' minus 1. 1.2442 0.05470 86 68 15 3
2246 Netflix will give anyone a standup special. 1.2442 0.05715 86 69 13 4
2247 Wait till you hear his bit on universal pre-k for all babies. 1.2442 0.05470 86 68 15 3
2248 Hoping his mad singing skillz can pay for college which in 18 years should cost $1million a year. 1.2442 0.04945 86 66 19 1
2249 He's all talk, no play! 1.2442 0.04945 86 66 19 1
2250 Mama. Mama. Maga. 1.2442 0.05949 86 70 11 5
2251 Let's teach him to moonwalk! 1.2442 0.05470 86 68 15 3
2252 Today, the moon. Tomorrow, The Price is Right. 1.2442 0.05214 86 67 17 2
2253 I think he just announced that he is running in the Democratic primaries in 2060. 1.2442 0.05470 86 68 15 3
2254 Look, dear, he's doing stand-up. 1.2442 0.05715 86 69 13 4
2255 Ha ha! And he doesn't even talk! 1.2442 0.05470 86 68 15 3
2256 Kevin, look! He's podcasting! 1.2442 0.05214 86 67 17 2
2257 Our babies first podcast" 1.2439 0.05900 82 66 12 4
2258 Our little boy, fighting the info wars... 1.2439 0.06150 82 67 10 5
2259 We should be so proud of him, our own little Jimmy Kimmel. 1.2439 0.05900 82 66 12 4
2260 Welcome to my new podcast “Beyond the Crib” 1.2439 0.05366 82 64 16 2
2261 Our son’s video just got 50,000 likes 1.2439 0.05900 82 66 12 4
2262 Oh honey, he sounds just like the real ones! 1.2439 0.05366 82 64 16 2
2263 I would like to announce my candidacy for the Democratic nominations for the presidency of the United States of America. 1.2439 0.06150 82 67 10 5
2264 He sings his own lullabies. 1.2439 0.05639 82 65 14 3
2265 “I swear, he sounds just like Winston Churchill." 1.2439 0.05639 82 65 14 3
2266 With a voice like that we can start charging him rent! 1.2439 0.06390 82 68 8 6
2267 Junior's first bald-faced lie! He'll be president some day! 1.2439 0.05900 82 66 12 4
2268 His first ad-lib! 1.2439 0.05639 82 65 14 3
2269 He just needs a wispy toupee and an inflated sense of self-importance and he’ll be president in no time! 1.2439 0.05639 82 65 14 3
2270 Oh My Gawd, Murray... Quick! Run out and get some nice veal!! 1.2439 0.06390 82 68 8 6
2271 Awww...he has the best words 1.2439 0.06150 82 67 10 5
2272 Exciting his first full sentence. “Pick up my Teddy”. 1.2439 0.05900 82 66 12 4
2273 Did he just say, "Mission accomplished"? 1.2439 0.05639 82 65 14 3
2274 Who cares if the jokes are bad! 1.2439 0.05366 82 64 16 2
2275 That’s how we know he’ll be successful, honey; he’s got the same reading level as the voters. 1.2439 0.06150 82 67 10 5
2276 I'm Baby 1.2439 0.05900 82 66 12 4
2277 Not yet, honey. He’s on his fourth encore. 1.2439 0.05366 82 64 16 2
2278 I’m a Social Media junkie and my baby was born an addict. 1.2439 0.05639 82 65 14 3
2279 And he already has a million followers of his podcast. 1.2439 0.05639 82 65 14 3
2280 I don't care if he is having fun, I want him to win. 1.2439 0.06150 82 67 10 5
2281 Look! His first speech! 1.2439 0.05639 82 65 14 3
2282 I knew naming him "Sinatra" was a great idea. 1.2439 0.05366 82 64 16 2
2283 Look, no bet is certain, but that crib was FULL for, like, a month. 1.2439 0.05900 82 66 12 4
2284 A big shoutout to the ‘rents for enabling my first standing-up routine. 1.2439 0.05639 82 65 14 3
2285 See, Bob! I told you mixing Red Bull in with his formula would get him up earlier! 1.2439 0.05639 82 65 14 3
2286 Thank you. I'll be here all eighteen years 1.2439 0.05639 82 65 14 3
2287 Mom I know you want me to take one small step for ​man but I just want out of this crib! 1.2439 0.06150 82 67 10 5
2288 Pretty soon we're going to need Baby's First Teleprompter. 1.2439 0.05366 82 64 16 2
2289 the capitalist regime must fall, we will seize the means of production 1.2439 0.05639 82 65 14 3
2290 Oh my god—his first podcast! 1.2439 0.05366 82 64 16 2
2291 Did he have to go baby blue so fast? 1.2439 0.05366 82 64 16 2
2292 I can't wait to see his Netflix special 1.2439 0.05639 82 65 14 3
2293 That's MY Gerber Millionaire ! 1.2439 0.05366 82 64 16 2
2294 Maybe he'll grow up like Elton John. 1.2439 0.05366 82 64 16 2
2295 I always knew his first words would be “Testing 1-2-3.” 1.2439 0.05900 82 66 12 4
2296 When he said the cover is ten dollars I thought he was talking about his blanket 1.2439 0.05639 82 65 14 3
2297 Look honey, he's the reincarnation of Ross Perot. 1.2439 0.05900 82 66 12 4
2298 His first words were Mama ... or was it Obama? 1.2439 0.05900 82 66 12 4
2299 2 million views! 1.2439 0.05077 82 63 18 1
2300 Breastfeeding does make them 20% funnier! 1.2436 0.06103 78 63 11 4
2301 PLEASE NOTE: You sendtus the July issue and we didn’t get it until July 1st. Which makes it very difficult for me to submit my caption to the “Dragon” cartoon by June 30, 19. It is: “ She is still upset about you burning her hair off last time” 1.2430 0.05609 107 89 10 8
2302 I told you we shouldn’t have let him watch the democratic debate last night. 1.2429 0.06574 70 57 9 4
2303 Oh Harry, Nipper's first obscene word! 1.2418 0.05263 91 72 16 3
2304 He's announcing for the 2056 election; call Russia " 1.2414 0.05656 87 70 13 4
2305 Where should we mount the spotlight? 1.2414 0.04895 87 67 19 1
2306 I'd like to dedicate this next wail to my babysitter, Tiffany. 1.2414 0.05414 87 69 15 3
2307 Look, dear, he's campaigning for 2052! 1.2414 0.05656 87 70 13 4
2308 Aww, he has your eyes and belief in a limited government! 1.2414 0.05414 87 69 15 3
2309 The jets make him look like such a big boy 1.2414 0.05161 87 68 17 2
2310 Change my diaper, please 1.2414 0.05656 87 70 13 4
2311 In brief, the child tax credit erodes the tax base, jeopardizing future generations. Time to nix it. 1.2414 0.05414 87 69 15 3
2312 ...and the nominees for "parents of the year" prize are... 1.2414 0.05656 87 70 13 4
2313 He just announced he's running for President! 1.2410 0.06083 83 68 10 5
2314 Look honey, he'll soon be telling lies just as easily as our politicians. 1.2410 0.06083 83 68 10 5
2315 He just announced he's running for president in 2040! 1.2410 0.06548 83 70 6 7
2316 Yes, but can he reach across the crib? 1.2410 0.04723 83 63 20 0
2317 Don’t you dare heckle him! 1.2410 0.06083 83 68 10 5
2318 Thank you. I'll be here all week. 1.2410 0.05024 83 64 18 1
2319 Because 'Mama' in surround sound just sounds better. 1.2410 0.05309 83 65 16 2
2320 A tune only a mother has ears for 1.2410 0.05579 83 66 14 3
2321 His first words were "Take my Mother, please." 1.2410 0.05579 83 66 14 3
2322 Look Thomas, he's already pandering at a three-year old level! 1.2410 0.05836 83 67 12 4
2323 His first campaign promise! 1.2410 0.05309 83 65 16 2
2324 Please welcome my next guests... Mommy and Daddy! 1.2410 0.05309 83 65 16 2
2325 Carol... you have to stop. 1.2410 0.05024 83 64 18 1
2326 I have something to say about how things are run here... 1.2410 0.05309 83 65 16 2
2327 Oh, look, honey - his first TED talk! 1.2410 0.06320 83 69 8 6
2328 I knew the mic would get him to talk! He’ going to be a politician. 1.2410 0.05309 83 65 16 2
2329 Wait'll you hear him do the seven "mamma-dadda" words routine. 1.2410 0.05836 83 67 12 4
2330 Look honey,he's playing "Mayor Pete" again! 1.2410 0.05836 83 67 12 4
2331 This is my first time doing my comedy standing up. 1.2410 0.05024 83 64 18 1
2332 Tune in tomorrow for my rendition of 'H' through 'P' . 1.2410 0.05579 83 66 14 3
2333 He told everyone I'm his favorite mother! 1.2410 0.05579 83 66 14 3
2334 We can monetize this baby! 1.2410 0.05579 83 66 14 3
2335 He just said that there are at least 300 people in the room. 1.2410 0.05579 83 66 14 3
2336 He's a democrat! 1.2410 0.05309 83 65 16 2
2337 Oh, honey, look! His first podcast! 1.2410 0.05309 83 65 16 2
2338 Get the camera, he's about to drop his first mic! 1.2410 0.05579 83 66 14 3
2339 I didn't expect him to be talking so soon, I hope he doesn't grow up to be a politician! 1.2410 0.05309 83 65 16 2
2340 Did you hear our boy, honey? He said, "I'm here 'til Thursday; try the veal." 1.2410 0.05579 83 66 14 3
2341 His first policy regurgitation! 1.2410 0.05309 83 65 16 2
2342 Crying got our attention too. 1.2410 0.05836 83 67 12 4
2343 Take my binky... please. 1.2410 0.05309 83 65 16 2
2344 we were so right to name him "Winston!" 1.2410 0.05579 83 66 14 3
2345 He doesn't identify with a particular religion, gender, sexual orientation or race, he's perfect. 1.2410 0.06083 83 68 10 5
2346 Can you believe it? He's already learned the seven words! 1.2410 0.06083 83 68 10 5
2347 Jim, he's gone from coo to coup and overthrown Teddy! 1.2410 0.05836 83 67 12 4
2348 Oh Honey! Isn't he wonderful? And just wait till he learns a word or two. 1.2410 0.05309 83 65 16 2
2349 His first word is about to go viral!” 1.2410 0.05309 83 65 16 2
2350 Ba da boom, ba da bing. 1.2410 0.05836 83 67 12 4
2351 Oh, look, dear! It's his first live pod-cast! 1.2410 0.05579 83 66 14 3
2352 Look! His first press conference. 1.2410 0.05579 83 66 14 3
2353 This week on bed time FM I’ll be talking about leaveraging your parents for more awake time by using the potty and Alec Baldwin is back for another great segment on how to park in New York while avoiding jail” 1.2410 0.06083 83 68 10 5
2354 ... and then he said he was running for office! 1.2410 0.06083 83 68 10 5
2355 he's doing Stand Up before he can actually Stand Up 1.2410 0.05836 83 67 12 4
2356 Sing out Louise, sing out! 1.2410 0.06083 83 68 10 5
2357 Mom. Dad. It seemed like the baby monitor wasn't working. I need my teddy. 1.2410 0.05836 83 67 12 4
2358 Wait a moment! Our president is addressing the nation 1.2410 0.06769 83 71 4 8
2359 Sing that one about the little star again! I think it could be a hit. 1.2410 0.05024 83 64 18 1
2360 He's the president's choice for the next Secretary of Defense. 1.2410 0.05024 83 64 18 1
2361 Do you think we should pull the plug? Suppose he turns out like Donald Trump. 1.2410 0.06083 83 68 10 5
2362 He has a plan for government-run potty training. 1.2410 0.05024 83 64 18 1
2363 I told you he had a face for radio! 1.2410 0.05836 83 67 12 4
2364 Now tell mommy you love her, real loud! 1.2410 0.05309 83 65 16 2
2365 Ground control to Major Tom... 1.2410 0.06320 83 69 8 6
2366 Now I know for sure he's not mine. 1.2410 0.05309 83 65 16 2
2367 We can pay off the mortgage!! 1.2410 0.05836 83 67 12 4
2368 Be gentle. He just let his agent go. 1.2410 0.05309 83 65 16 2
2369 In a British Accent: The vaccines made our son artistic! He's already doing stand up. 1.2410 0.05309 83 65 16 2
2370 We ordered a monitor not a PA system! 1.2410 0.05836 83 67 12 4
2371 Oh, look honey! He's assassinated his Teddy and declared a coup over all the crib's creatures. 1.2410 0.05836 83 67 12 4
2372 I would like to pay tribute to our wonderful Armed Forces. 1.2410 0.05836 83 67 12 4
2373 To think, he could be an autocrat one day with his very own military-themed celebration. 1.2410 0.05836 83 67 12 4
2374 Look honey! In just a few years he'll be inappropriately touching women too! 1.2410 0.05836 83 67 12 4
2375 Pass the baton! 1.2410 0.05836 83 67 12 4
2376 I'm so glad we named him Mike! 1.2410 0.05024 83 64 18 1
2377 Oh, Darling, I see millions in our future. 1.2410 0.06320 83 69 8 6
2378 And he’s awake at 5am every day to send his tweets 1.2410 0.05579 83 66 14 3
2379 Sing 'Melancholy Baby.' 1.2410 0.05309 83 65 16 2
2380 He's announcing that he's running for the Democratic nomination for President! 1.2410 0.05836 83 67 12 4
2381 Hello my baby, hello my darlin' 1.2410 0.05024 83 64 18 1
2382 And the meaning of life is... 1.2410 0.05579 83 66 14 3
2383 Welcome. I have decided to wake up. 1.2410 0.05309 83 65 16 2
2384 Addressing the infantry. 1.2410 0.05579 83 66 14 3
2385 Thank you! I'll be here for the next 92 years. 1.2410 0.05309 83 65 16 2
2386 14 million followers! Our Kevin's the only performer to do stand up before he can actually stand up. 1.2410 0.05579 83 66 14 3
2387 It’s so much better than his crawl up routine. 1.2410 0.05579 83 66 14 3
2388 As depicted in my mobile is the Revolutionary Air Force,key to Washington's Army's control of the air over the Colonies. 1.2410 0.06083 83 68 10 5
2389 So that's what he traded his iPhone for. 1.2410 0.05579 83 66 14 3
2390 Say something Mommy can hashtag. 1.2410 0.05309 83 65 16 2
2391 He’s ready for FOX NEWS. 1.2410 0.05836 83 67 12 4
2392 Nah, but really folks I come from a very loving home. My parents are actually in the crowd tonight. Give it up for Joan and Steven you guys! 1.2410 0.05309 83 65 16 2
2393 So my mother still thinks I want to be an astronaut...more like astro-NOT! I’m here all night, folks. 1.2410 0.05579 83 66 14 3
2394 Isn't that cute, he wants to make America great again? 1.2410 0.05579 83 66 14 3
2395 Mommy's little influencer already has a million followers! 1.2410 0.05309 83 65 16 2
2396 His first campaign for solid foods! 1.2410 0.05579 83 66 14 3
2397 American toys for American boys! Send “Made in China” back to China! Accept no substitutions! If parents say “Relax” tell them our generation aims to make America Great Again! And one last thing, kiddos, stay away from Kale. Stunts your growth. 1.2410 0.06083 83 68 10 5
2398 Look, honey, it's his first night of stand-up. 1.2410 0.06083 83 68 10 5
2399 You were the one who told him he could grow up to be President! 1.2410 0.05309 83 65 16 2
2400 Does he come with his own agent? 1.2410 0.05579 83 66 14 3
2401 "Wait.He's smarter than the both of us." 1.2410 0.05836 83 67 12 4
2402 Honey, I think little Billy believes he can actually run in the 2020 election 1.2410 0.05836 83 67 12 4
2403 My first word: My! 1.2410 0.05309 83 65 16 2
2404 He's growing up so fast, today he's doing stand-up! 1.2410 0.05309 83 65 16 2
2405 Not Manilow! 1.2410 0.05836 83 67 12 4
2406 They said he was a sure thing based on the lack of a voting history. 1.2410 0.05579 83 66 14 3
2407 Aw, baby’s first podcast. 1.2410 0.05579 83 66 14 3
2408 Union suit. Union kid. Told ya we didn’t have to worry. 1.2410 0.05309 83 65 16 2
2409 ...so I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance. 1.2410 0.05579 83 66 14 3
2410 Use your words. 1.2410 0.05024 83 64 18 1
2411 And he speaks without a teleprompter 1.2410 0.05836 83 67 12 4
2412 OH JOHN, WE'RE GOING TO BE RICH! 1.2410 0.05579 83 66 14 3
2413 How cute! Look how well he spins how Teddy was collateral damage to his crib mobile defense assets. 1.2410 0.05579 83 66 14 3
2414 Imprisoned, we have nothing to lose but the bars of our cribs. Ignore your mobiles, cast out those traitorous Teddy Bears. We have a world to win! 1.2410 0.05309 83 65 16 2
2415 I say we plug it in and surprise the neighbors... 1.2410 0.05024 83 64 18 1
2416 He knows words. He has the best words. 1.2410 0.05579 83 66 14 3
2417 I know, right? No one sitting up front. 1.2410 0.05579 83 66 14 3
2418 We've created a monster! 1.2410 0.05579 83 66 14 3
2419 And another math geniues and mind-blowingly gifted child of mediocre-iq-parents was born. 1.2410 0.05579 83 66 14 3
2420 MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!! 1.2410 0.05309 83 65 16 2
2421 Look, honey. He just made his first podcast! 1.2410 0.05024 83 64 18 1
2422 Hey!!! There weren't any airports during the Revolutionary War!!! Mom... Dad... Have you been messing with my teleprompter again?!?! 1.2410 0.05836 83 67 12 4
2423 Not bad for wah-wah music, honey. 1.2410 0.05836 83 67 12 4
2424 He's also practicing his train stump speech! 1.2410 0.05836 83 67 12 4
2425 How long before he can do Carpool Karaoke? 1.2410 0.05579 83 66 14 3
2426 Did you hear that, honey? He wants us to tear down his wall! 1.2410 0.05579 83 66 14 3
2427 You’re fired! 1.2410 0.05836 83 67 12 4
2428 Maybe we shouldn’t have called him Elton. 1.2410 0.05579 83 66 14 3
2429 Do you think he's ready for a Twitter account? 1.2410 0.05309 83 65 16 2
2430 We never should have taken him to that presidential rally. 1.2410 0.05579 83 66 14 3
2431 I’m so proud! He finally tossed his rattle into the ring! 1.2410 0.05309 83 65 16 2
2432 And to think he got started with just a baby cam! 1.2410 0.05836 83 67 12 4
2433 I see him doing stand-up three times a night and living with us. 1.2410 0.06083 83 68 10 5
2434 Wow, John, call Nancy Pelosi. I think we've got the perfect person to beat Trump. 1.2410 0.05836 83 67 12 4
2435 Honey, look! He's a stand-up! 1.2400 0.05148 100 80 16 4
2436 I'm glad we named him Mike and not John! 1.2400 0.05148 100 80 16 4
2437 I believe in his humility, dear. 1.2388 0.07082 67 56 6 5
2438 Screaming in the middle of the night just got a whole lot easier 1.2381 0.05519 84 67 14 3
2439 Well, folks, that’s my time. Remember to tip your babysitters and parents. 1.2381 0.05253 84 66 16 2
2440 And, finally, the 5th amendment should be broadened to include babbling.. 1.2381 0.05773 84 68 12 4
2441 We'll hear his first word from anywhere in the house! 1.2381 0.05773 84 68 12 4
2442 We’ll call it Baby’s First Podcast! 1.2381 0.05773 84 68 12 4
2443 He spoke his first lie! 1.2381 0.04972 84 65 18 1
2444 He said his first tweet! 1.2381 0.05253 84 66 16 2
2445 Thank you, thank you. I'll be here for the next 20 years. 1.2381 0.05773 84 68 12 4
2446 I will not drop the mic. I will not put it down till you give me some real food to chew, not milk. 1.2381 0.06017 84 69 10 5
2447 Would you look at that, Sue? He’s finally learned to stand-up by himself! 1.2381 0.05253 84 66 16 2
2448 Oh honey, the debate team will look so good on his college application! 1.2381 0.05253 84 66 16 2
2449 He was so smart to pick Stuffed Animals for a jillion dollars! 1.2381 0.06017 84 69 10 5
2450 Oh, Look Darling, He's practicing so hard to "Make America Great Again!" 1.2381 0.05773 84 68 12 4
2451 He's selling himself as the opposite of Trump. 1.2381 0.05773 84 68 12 4
2452 He isn't even potty-mouth trained! 1.2381 0.05253 84 66 16 2
2453 I know it’s low brow but that booger bit kills. 1.2381 0.05253 84 66 16 2
2454 I love his mother-in-law material 1.2381 0.05519 84 67 14 3
2455 Isn't that sweet? His first press conference! 1.2381 0.01792 84 70 13 1
2456 OMG..........He sounds Presidential...... 1.2381 0.05519 84 67 14 3
2457 Be sure to tip your nannies, mommies and daddies - I'll be here for the next 18 years ! 1.2381 0.06476 84 71 6 7
2458 Yup. The kids are into mumble rap these days. Our kids gonna be a star! 1.2381 0.04972 84 65 18 1
2459 Do you see what I see? I think she's leaning to the left! 1.2375 0.05108 80 62 17 1
2460 It's never too early to start karaoke training! 1.2375 0.05409 80 63 15 2
2461 Look Bob, he's already aspiring to become a politician behind bars like my dad! 1.2375 0.06225 80 66 9 5
2462 Look! He does stand up without our help! 1.2375 0.05108 80 62 17 1
2463 Boyhemian Raptsody 1.2371 0.05029 97 77 17 3
2464 Well you wanted to call him Mike. 1.2353 0.05198 85 67 16 2
2465 He's the first one at day care who can pull-up AND do stand-up. 1.2353 0.05198 85 67 16 2
2466 It's time to pass the torch. 1.2346 0.05053 81 63 17 1
2467 His first cover! 1.2346 0.05349 81 64 15 2
2468 Sweet tweets darling Donald and good night. 1.2346 0.05898 81 66 11 4
2469 Ohhhh! His first Stand-Up! 1.2346 0.05630 81 65 13 3
2470 I can't wait to see him drop the mic. 1.2346 0.05053 81 63 17 1
2471 He has your hyperbole. 1.2346 0.05898 81 66 11 4
2472 This is a test of the emergency broadcast system. 1.2346 0.05053 81 63 17 1
2473 He has the new No. 1 podcast on iTunes. 1.2346 0.06400 81 68 7 6
2474 So cute, he loves analog too. 1.2346 0.04737 81 62 19 0
2475 I warned you about letting him watch that darn parade 1.2346 0.05053 81 63 17 1
2476 Our army manned the air, it rammed the ramparts, it took over the airport, it did everything it had to do! 1.2346 0.06400 81 68 7 6
2477 It’s fine for now, but what happens if he becomes famous and continues to whip his dick out in front of women? 1.2346 0.06154 81 67 9 5
2478 He's got the stage presence thing nailed. Imagine what he will be like when he learns words. 1.2346 0.05898 81 66 11 4
2479 Great Voice! Wait til he learns words. 1.2346 0.05630 81 65 13 3
2480 My platform is ice cream. 1.2346 0.05898 81 66 11 4
2481 Just think . . . We’ll be able to pay off the hospital bill! 1.2346 0.05630 81 65 13 3
2482 She’ll be stumping any day now. 1.2346 0.05053 81 63 17 1
2483 Isn't that wonderful. Tantrum of the Opera! 1.2346 0.06154 81 67 9 5
2484 Oh, Honey. His first podcast! 1.2338 0.05195 77 60 16 1
2485 Look, his first deposition! 1.2338 0.05195 77 60 16 1
2486 blah blah blah ! 1.2338 0.05816 77 62 12 3
2487 It worked! Michael's standing! 1.2338 0.05514 77 61 14 2
2488 Let's call Simon Cowell! 1.2338 0.05195 77 60 16 1
2489 Stand-up stand-up stand-up is what I'd call it. 1.2338 0.05195 77 60 16 1
2490 He gets his turn in the week 52 debates. 1.2338 0.05195 77 60 16 1
2491 Well, look at little Timmy. With a choice of ships and planes, he chose to be an aircraft controller. Now he's got a chance of getting into a decent nursery school! 1.2333 0.04754 90 70 19 1
2492 E-Trade baby, step aside! 1.2329 0.06327 73 60 9 4
2493 I'm so proud I don't even mind the sex jokes. 1.2317 0.05291 82 65 15 2
2494 His first words without cue cards! 1.2317 0.04999 82 64 17 1
2495 We shouldn't have named him Bieber. 1.2317 0.05833 82 67 11 4
2496 He's counting on his imaginary friends to fill up the stadium. 1.2317 0.05833 82 67 11 4
2497 Take my wipes - please! 1.2317 0.05833 82 67 11 4
2498 Isn't that wonderful, he's singing our song. 1.2317 0.05291 82 65 15 2
2499 Every day he sounds more like Donald Trump!! 1.2317 0.05291 82 65 15 2
2500 He doesn't realize the mic's not plugged in. 1.2317 0.04999 82 64 17 1
2501 Make My Bedroom Great Again 1.2317 0.05569 82 66 13 3
2502 Donny thinks it's the Truman balcony. 1.2317 0.05569 82 66 13 3
2503 Testing 1.2317 0.05569 82 66 13 3
2504 His podcast hit a million subscribers! I just wish I knew what he was saying. 1.2317 0.05569 82 66 13 3
2505 My next song is called “Waaaah”. 1.2317 0.05291 82 65 15 2
2506 Before I get started, I need a glass of water. How about a hand for Doris and John, who have supported me all these months not only with water when I needed it but also attention to my personal needs even when it wasn't always convenient for them? 1.2317 0.05291 82 65 15 2
2507 Thank god he ain’t singing country 1.2317 0.05833 82 67 11 4
2508 The Clark's kid can just stand - ours does stand up! 1.2317 0.05291 82 65 15 2
2509 He's got just as good a chance as the other contenders! 1.2317 0.05291 82 65 15 2
2510 You suck!...your thumb! 1.2317 0.05833 82 67 11 4
2511 Oh Fred, did he just say ‘huge’? 1.2317 0.05569 82 66 13 3
2512 Well, he does look like Billy Joel. 1.2317 0.05833 82 67 11 4
2513 Look darling – his first stand-up! 1.2317 0.05833 82 67 11 4
2514 I speak today for all of you who have no voice. 1.2317 0.05291 82 65 15 2
2515 Awww. He knows the words to Rapper's Delight. 1.2317 0.05291 82 65 15 2
2516 Oh Stanley, American Idol or a Presidential debate? 1.2317 0.05291 82 65 15 2
2517 See, all those Josh Groban CDs while pregnant are starting to pay off. 1.2317 0.04999 82 64 17 1
2518 Seven months and already standing up! 1.2317 0.06086 82 68 9 5
2519 And with the Response to the State of the Union address, we take you - live - over to little Timmy's crib... 1.2317 0.05833 82 67 11 4
2520 He’s stable AND a genius! 1.2317 0.04999 82 64 17 1
2521 Can you wish someone to “break a leg” before they can walk...? 1.2317 0.05291 82 65 15 2
2522 Gurgle. Globb. Burb." "Sweetheart Darling has found his own voice and is willing to share his unique perspective. I couldn't be more proud!" 1.2317 0.05291 82 65 15 2
2523 You know what they say… Walking by one, talk show by two! 1.2317 0.05569 82 66 13 3
2524 Oh cute....it’s open tike night! 1.2317 0.05833 82 67 11 4
2525 Look, he's practicing his secretary of Defense Speech. 1.2317 0.05569 82 66 13 3
2526 MOM: His agent says he’s got some real talent. DAD: (sigh) It’s a stuffed bear Elaine. 1.2317 0.05833 82 67 11 4
2527 See how easily he connects with his audience? 1.2317 0.05833 82 67 11 4
2528 You will believe a cradle can ROCK!!! 1.2317 0.05833 82 67 11 4
2529 He's ready for his first caption! 1.2317 0.05569 82 66 13 3
2530 The state of this nation is strong. 1.2317 0.05291 82 65 15 2
2531 First he learns stand up, next he'll want a sitcom 1.2317 0.04999 82 64 17 1
2532 I know now that I can fulfill my dweam of being Pwesident of the United States. 1.2317 0.05291 82 65 15 2
2533 You'd think his material would be fresher. 1.2317 0.05291 82 65 15 2
2534 Henry's so clever - first crawling, and now stand up! 1.2317 0.05291 82 65 15 2
2535 And we would have been happy if he only were a contestant! 1.2317 0.06086 82 68 9 5
2536 Just think - he’ll be on ABC before he can spell ABC!!! 1.2317 0.05291 82 65 15 2
2537 Perhaps You Tubing the C-section wasn't such a good idea. 1.2317 0.05833 82 67 11 4
2538 ...Ask not what your blankey can do for you. Ask what you can do for your blankey. 1.2317 0.05833 82 67 11 4
2539 I told you buying from Baby Björk was a bad idea. 1.2317 0.05569 82 66 13 3
2540 I love how he ends this set with, "Be My Baby." 1.2317 0.05569 82 66 13 3
2541 He’s very precocious. 1.2317 0.05291 82 65 15 2
2542 You'll have to come back later mom and dad, I'm still recording this week's podcast 1.2317 0.05569 82 66 13 3
2543 Trust me honey, that's how YouTubers are born. 1.2317 0.04999 82 64 17 1
2544 Honey, I think he’s ready for the preschool admissions board” 1.2317 0.04999 82 64 17 1
2545 Johnny just announced his candidacy! 1.2317 0.05291 82 65 15 2
2546 Remember, Bobby...no notes, be concise, 5 to 8 minutes! 1.2317 0.05569 82 66 13 3
2547 Oh honey, he’s already working on his campaign speech 1.2317 0.04999 82 64 17 1
2548 Look, honey...no teleprompter! 1.2317 0.05291 82 65 15 2
2549 Someone has to tell the president that broadcasts are NOT allowed during time outs. 1.2317 0.05833 82 67 11 4
2550 My fellow Americans, it’s time to pass the torch to a new generation. 1.2317 0.05833 82 67 11 4
2551 Welcome to my crib, I never use a bib, Mom and Dad watch me rap, you better stinkin' clap. 1.2317 0.05291 82 65 15 2
2552 Mom and Dad, I'll be here all night. 1.2317 0.05833 82 67 11 4
2553 He's standing up- and he's actually pretty good! 1.2317 0.05569 82 66 13 3
2554 C'mon. Mommy needs some YouTube views. 1.2317 0.04688 82 63 19 0
2555 It makes poo poo kaka sound more important, somehow. 1.2317 0.05569 82 66 13 3
2556 I can see it all now. A business empire, reality TV, and politics! 1.2317 0.05833 82 67 11 4
2557 He's sharing crib notes on his blog 1.2317 0.05569 82 66 13 3
2558 He's pretty good but sounds a little pitchy to me. 1.2317 0.05291 82 65 15 2
2559 The President wants her as his speechwriter. 1.2317 0.05291 82 65 15 2
2560 Our Donnie is so precocious,What do you think it means that he threw the little brown teddy under the crib? 1.2317 0.04999 82 64 17 1
2561 Let's see your sister's kids top this 1.2317 0.05833 82 67 11 4
2562 He’ll Evan have Less experience than Donald Trump ‼️ 1.2317 0.05569 82 66 13 3
2563 Get ready, folks - we’re gonna have a bawl! 1.2317 0.05569 82 66 13 3
2564 He knew his first words would be special. 1.2317 0.05833 82 67 11 4
2565 Did you hear? He said Mommy! 1.2317 0.06562 82 70 5 7
2566 The melodies are okay but the lyrics, wow! 1.2317 0.05833 82 67 11 4
2567 Oh honey, his first press conference! 1.2317 0.05291 82 65 15 2
2568 Look, George! He's talking without his teleprompter! 1.2317 0.04999 82 64 17 1
2569 Why is he singing "My Way?" 1.2317 0.04999 82 64 17 1
2570 Hope he plays some of his old stuff... 1.2317 0.05569 82 66 13 3
2571 Those music classes paid off! He'll get a full-ride! 1.2317 0.05291 82 65 15 2
2572 One and done!? 1.2317 0.05569 82 66 13 3
2573 Maybe he'll appoint you to one of the Cabinet positions. 1.2317 0.05291 82 65 15 2
2574 His Netflix special is going to make us rich! 1.2317 0.04688 82 63 19 0
2575 OMG, he's been watching Fox News! 1.2317 0.05291 82 65 15 2
2576 Don't worry honey, just think, in a few years we can retire. 1.2317 0.06086 82 68 9 5
2577 I told you my breast milk was the nectar of stars! 1.2317 0.05569 82 66 13 3
2578 I told you that he was conceived during America' Got Talent. 1.2317 0.05569 82 66 13 3
2579 Test, test...waa...waa waa....waa waa waa! 1.2317 0.04688 82 63 19 0
2580 It worked, he's finally standing! 1.2317 0.06086 82 68 9 5
2581 Oh, honey, did you hear that? He said bigliest! 1.2317 0.05291 82 65 15 2
2582 I really want to capture his first words. 1.2317 0.05833 82 67 11 4
2583 Look, no crib notes! 1.2317 0.06328 82 69 7 6
2584 jfjyt 1.2317 0.05569 82 66 13 3
2585 Shh! He’s about to speak. 1.2317 0.05291 82 65 15 2
2586 Is this crowd slow to warm or is it just me? 1.2317 0.05833 82 67 11 4
2587 Oh, he's getting so much practice performing in front of no one! 1.2317 0.05833 82 67 11 4
2588 Oh John, I always hoped we'd see him do stand up one day. 1.2317 0.06328 82 69 7 6
2589 his first word was China. 1.2317 0.04999 82 64 17 1
2590 Baby DESTROYS 1st Heckler 1.2317 0.05569 82 66 13 3
2591 Oh look honey, he does an impression of you that is hilarious! 1.2317 0.04999 82 64 17 1
2592 But I thought the sitter said it was the largest audience to ever witness an inauguration? 1.2317 0.05569 82 66 13 3
2593 He is going to be great in his audition tomorrow for preschool. 1.2317 0.05833 82 67 11 4
2594 I betcha Mary's kid can't recite the Magna Carta! 1.2317 0.04688 82 63 19 0
2595 See, I told you he was very presidential! 1.2317 0.04688 82 63 19 0
2596 He's Vlogging! 1.2317 0.05569 82 66 13 3
2597 Timmy's rendition of the Star Spangled Banner complete with tanks and military airplanes. 1.2317 0.05569 82 66 13 3
2598 Our baby wants to run for President !! 1.2317 0.05569 82 66 13 3
2599 Now he's just showing off 1.2317 0.05291 82 65 15 2
2600 Mr. Boo Bear really is a dependable opener. 1.2317 0.05833 82 67 11 4
2601 RIP Teddy Bear. Casualty of Narcissism. 1.2317 0.05291 82 65 15 2
2602 Just wait...he's bound to do something that can go viral. 1.2317 0.05833 82 67 11 4
2603 Honey! a million subscribers. I feel like the goose that laid the golden egg 1.2317 0.06086 82 68 9 5
2604 Can you believe he's already a dictator? 1.2317 0.05833 82 67 11 4
2605 He is so self-centered—definitely presidential timber. 1.2317 0.06328 82 69 7 6
2606 Honey! He learned self-deprecation! 1.2317 0.05291 82 65 15 2
2607 I'll be here til I'm thirty. 1.2317 0.05569 82 66 13 3
2608 Don't you think he has what it takes to president someday? 1.2317 0.05291 82 65 15 2
2609 This next one goes out to my diaper changers. 1.2317 0.05569 82 66 13 3
2610 His first address 1.2317 0.05833 82 67 11 4
2611 I think it was a smart move, going solo. His creative genius was being stifled. 1.2317 0.05291 82 65 15 2
2612 We better sign up an agent before he realizes we’re exploiting him. 1.2308 0.06031 78 64 10 4
2613 See, I told you Baby Charlie is the reincarnated Rodney Dangerfield! “Take my mama, please.” 1.2308 0.05748 78 63 12 3
2614 How thrilling! We have a contender in the primaries! 1.2308 0.05451 78 62 14 2
2615 Oh no! He's told his first lie! 1.2308 0.05748 78 63 12 3
2616 The trouble is he isn't talking yet. 1.2297 0.05625 74 59 13 2
2617 I just don't know if his 'Peek-a-Boo' routine will work with a larger audience. 1.2295 0.07165 61 51 6 4
2618 Oh honey, look, our baby is a Trump-style campaigner! 1.2289 0.05235 83 66 15 2
2619 I would like to welcome members of the press and my mom and dad 1.2289 0.05508 83 67 13 3
2620 Thank you for electing me as your child. The next four years will be full of ups and downs, but I promise it will all be worth it. 1.2286 0.06163 70 57 10 3
2621 That's right, son. Fuck 'em up. 1.2286 0.06163 70 57 10 3
2622 He's going to be President! 1.2286 0.06163 70 57 10 3
2623 He has a constituency only a mother could love. 1.2278 0.05683 79 64 12 3
2624 Technology sure has improved many aspects of life but boy did it make Colic worse. 1.2278 0.05390 79 63 14 2
2625 There's not a mountain near the edge of his hand, is there? 1.2278 0.05961 79 65 10 4
2626 Oh hon, I can't wait to hear his first speech! 1.2278 0.05390 79 63 14 2
2627 Oh, look! Potty training and potty mouth all in one day! 1.2278 0.05683 79 64 12 3
2628 I think he’s ready to join the 2020 Presidential race! 1.2278 0.05390 79 63 14 2
2629 They were out of baby monitors. 1.2278 0.05961 79 65 10 4
2630 Well, at least he isn’t talking back to us! 1.2278 0.05683 79 64 12 3
2631 Look, he's practicing to be on Fox News. 1.2278 0.06228 79 66 8 5
2632 I'm here all week--don't forget to tip your parents. 1.2278 0.05390 79 63 14 2
2633 You see Ralph, naming him Don Rickles Peterson was actually prescient. 1.2278 0.05390 79 63 14 2
2634 Our little standup comedian. It is a shame we still can't understand him. 1.2278 0.05079 79 62 16 1
2635 Don’t get too excited Mom; Teddy is the real brains behind this operation. 1.2278 0.05683 79 64 12 3
2636 At this rate he'll make the Primaries. 1.2278 0.05079 79 62 16 1
2637 I love it when he plays Commander in Chief! 1.2278 0.05961 79 65 10 4
2638 Oh, Honey, from standing up to standup in one month! 1.2278 0.05079 79 62 16 1
2639 In politics, If you want anything said, ask a man. If you want anything done, ask an infant 1.2278 0.05079 79 62 16 1
2640 I will now sing "rock a bye baby." 1.2278 0.05079 79 62 16 1
2641 He has all the attributes. Let's hope he doesn't mature 1.2278 0.05683 79 64 12 3
2642 WOW, OUR LITTLE MONSTER SOUNDS JUST LIKE ELVIS 1.2278 0.05390 79 63 14 2
2643 Those prenatal oratory tapes worked! 1.2278 0.05961 79 65 10 4
2644 He’s just as good as Trump, maybe better! 1.2278 0.05961 79 65 10 4
2645 Last year Caesarean section, next year...Caesar’s Palace! 1.2278 0.05683 79 64 12 3
2646 And just think, he'll fit the network's demographic! 1.2267 0.06173 75 62 9 4
2647 Listen! He's defending the Saudi Crown Prince again. 1.2267 0.06173 75 62 9 4
2648 If the “2’s” are terrible then I don’t know what to make of this 1.2258 0.06264 62 50 10 2
2649 He can already count to four score. 1.2254 0.05382 71 56 14 1
2650 That settles it, I'm having another freebirth. 1.2254 0.06406 71 59 8 4
2651 And that’s all for tonight folks!! 1.2254 0.06406 71 59 8 4
2652 At Minute 23:17 Your wailing was convincing. We’re here! 1.2250 0.05329 80 64 14 2
2653 I told you playing all those presidential speeches during my pregnancy would give him a head start. 1.2250 0.05024 80 63 16 1
2654 Honey! His first filibuster! 1.2250 0.05024 80 63 16 1
2655 Let's just hope THIS president is not his only inspiration 1.2250 0.05024 80 63 16 1
2656 I'm so proud! Only 3998 separate donors to go to get him on the next Democratic Debate Stage! 1.2250 0.05024 80 63 16 1
2657 I thought it meant something else when we read he’d go from crawling to stand-up 1.2250 0.05024 80 63 16 1
2658 Air traffic control, or the Tonight Show, dear? 1.2250 0.05618 80 65 12 3
2659 He promised a wall,tariffs and a comb - over in every drive way. America will be great again. 1.2250 0.05893 80 66 10 4
2660 It wasn't fake news! There is a man overboard. 1.2250 0.05618 80 65 12 3
2661 Awww. He's going to make daycare great again! 1.2250 0.05893 80 66 10 4
2662 And so, my fellow Americans, I announce today that I will seek the nomination of the Democratic Party to serve as your next president! 1.2250 0.06408 80 68 6 6
2663 Tonight it’s drinks on the house! 1.2250 0.05329 80 64 14 2
2664 He's trying out new material. 1.2250 0.04698 80 62 18 0
2665 Heeeeee-res JUNIOR! 1.2250 0.05329 80 64 14 2
2666 He can't talk, but he already has over a million followers! 1.2250 0.05893 80 66 10 4
2667 I can’t wait to bring him to his first karaoke night. He’ll crush the competition. 1.2250 0.05329 80 64 14 2
2668 And he’s already mastered stand-up! 1.2250 0.05329 80 64 14 2
2669 OMG! This is my favorite song! 1.2250 0.05024 80 63 16 1
2670 He has his first five minutes! 1.2250 0.05329 80 64 14 2
2671 They tested him and he is now as smart as Hannity! 1.2250 0.05618 80 65 12 3
2672 Look Harry! Our son is a mini Walter Cronkite! 1.2250 0.05329 80 64 14 2
2673 His first words - a shout-out to his mother! 1.2250 0.05329 80 64 14 2
2674 Do you think he should have an agent or just put him on Utube? 1.2250 0.05329 80 64 14 2
2675 Oh, look, he's already got his political agenda ready for day-care. 1.2250 0.06156 80 67 8 5
2676 You know what I wish? That I never looked into a diaper genie in the first place! 1.2250 0.05618 80 65 12 3
2677 Look, Honey, he's running for the Democratic nomination. 1.2250 0.05024 80 63 16 1
2678 Look, honey! He's stand-upping! 1.2250 0.05618 80 65 12 3
2679 Do you think the other children will understand his stance on gerrymandering? 1.2250 0.05024 80 63 16 1
2680 For my next song which I wrote while in the womb." 1.2250 0.05329 80 64 14 2
2681 I told you he was too young to watch 'The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel'" 1.2250 0.06156 80 67 8 5
2682 We should probably also teach him how to apologize. 1.2250 0.05618 80 65 12 3
2683 ...and free college for all! 1.2250 0.05618 80 65 12 3
2684 The sleep consultant said to just let him talk it out. 1.2250 0.05618 80 65 12 3
2685 Now here's one of my longtime favorites, and I hope it's one of yours. 1.2241 0.06976 58 48 7 3
2686 Pitch perfect! 1.2237 0.05493 76 61 13 2
2687 Netflix wants to buy three episodes! 1.2237 0.05164 76 60 15 1
2688 Awww, his first pivot! 1.2235 0.04844 85 67 17 1
2689 I told you those Sinatra records would pay off. 1.2222 0.05556 81 66 12 3
2690 Oh, listen John! He IS going to be a bingo caller! 1.2222 0.05827 81 67 10 4
2691 Aren't you proud? He's singing for his supper! 1.2222 0.05270 81 65 14 2
2692 I still can’t believe that his first words were “ I gotta sing.” 1.2222 0.07313 63 54 4 5
2693 Laugh, dear. Or next it will be podcasting. 1.2222 0.05270 81 65 14 2
2694 His dirty diaper material is excellent. 1.2208 0.05429 77 62 13 2
2695 I can barely understand the lyrics. 1.2208 0.05735 77 63 11 3
2696 Ask not what my parents can do for me, but what I can do for my parents. 1.2208 0.05735 77 63 11 3
2697 I just love his PG-13 months stand-up routine! 1.2208 0.05735 77 63 11 3
2698 Thank you very much, I'll be here all night. 1.2208 0.06026 77 64 9 4
2699 How cute. He's practicing for the 2054 Democratic debates. 1.2208 0.05735 77 63 11 3
2700 He already has six subscribers to his podcast! 1.2208 0.05104 77 61 15 1
2701 Yes, I’ll be here all week 1.2208 0.05429 77 62 13 2
2702 He's starting his own "Nursery Party" for 2020. 1.2208 0.04758 77 60 17 0
2703 Doe, a deer. A female deer. Ray, a drop of golden Sun. 1.2208 0.05429 77 62 13 2
2704 If he won’t sleep, he may as well work on his late-nite show hosting skills... 1.2208 0.05104 77 61 15 1
2705 Oh honey, he’s throwing his teddy bear into the ring 1.2208 0.05429 77 62 13 2
2706 I wonder what his first words will be? 1.2208 0.05735 77 63 11 3
2707 What a rock star! He already knows the four-letter words. 1.2208 0.05735 77 63 11 3
2708 Look, honey! He's already reporting fake news at a 10th grade level. 1.2208 0.05429 77 62 13 2
2709 If we neuter him now he'll never lose that pitch. 1.2208 0.05735 77 63 11 3
2710 Ooh,look, our little President! 1.2208 0.06026 77 64 9 4
2711 Sing the one about pooping!” 1.2208 0.05104 77 61 15 1
2712 Shhh, he's rehearsing his speech for the United Nations Climate Change Summit. 1.2208 0.05429 77 62 13 2
2713 I think he'd find it easier with a lapel mic. 1.2208 0.05429 77 62 13 2
2714 Vaccinating would have ruined his delivery! 1.2208 0.05735 77 63 11 3
2715 He's declaring for the Democratic nomination. 1.2208 0.05429 77 62 13 2
2716 Pete Buttigiegs Presidential Campaign announcement 1.2208 0.05735 77 63 11 3