Contest #868


Cartoon

868


Name Value
Submission deadline -
Voting started -
Voting ended -
Finalists announced -
Magazine(s) announcing finalists issued -
Number of captions 8113
Number of responses 898827
Number of participants -


Dashboard

In this table, the "mean" means the empirically measured average funniness score when the "unfunny", "somewhat funny" and "funny" receive a funniness score of 1, 2, 3 respectively. "Precison" is the standard error of the mean, the standard deviation of the mean estimate. With that, a caption with an empirical mean μ and precision σ has true mean in the range [μ - 2σ, μ + 2σ] with 95% probability by the 68-95-99.7 rule assuming the responses are indepedent and identically distributed.

Rank Caption Mean Precision Total votes "Unfunny" votes "Somewhat funny" votes "Funny" votes
0 Lately, my meltdowns are coming more frequently. 1.7554 0.02467 977 439 338 200
1 My friends complain that I’m frosty and self serving. 1.7279 0.02210 1301 638 379 284
2 I scream, you scream, we all scream. It’s like no one has actual conversations anymore. 1.7265 0.01862 1850 915 526 409
3 Everyone feels sorry for the kid who dropped the ice cream, but no one ever asks, “Is the ice cream OK?” 1.7133 0.01718 2229 1144 580 505
4 I live in fear of another meltdown 1.6990 0.02350 1063 520 343 200
5 I self identify as a dairy queen. 1.6883 0.02000 1556 802 437 317
6 One day you wake up and realize that there are no sprinkles. 1.6710 0.02628 845 431 261 153
7 Okay, I’ll give you the full scoop. 1.6697 0.02404 987 498 317 172
8 And then I found out she was lactose intolerant. 1.6687 0.01811 1778 910 547 321
9 Then she left me for a gelato, but you know how smooth those Italians are. 1.6560 0.01975 1506 790 444 272
10 And that's when I realized I have an edible complex. 1.6545 0.02052 1427 760 400 267
11 Not voices exactly. It's more of a jingle. 1.6460 0.01767 1853 980 549 324
12 I mean what are we all screaming for really? 1.6435 0.02063 1383 741 394 248
13 Of course global warming has me concerned! 1.6424 0.01963 1429 740 460 229
14 My wife says I’m too vanilla. Like, what does that even mean? 1.6367 0.01866 1569 817 505 247
15 My wife no longer finds "Mister Softee" an ironic nickname. 1.6363 0.01857 1743 956 465 322
16 ... and then everyone's screaming for ice cream and that's when I wake up. 1.6344 0.02002 1406 747 426 233
17 She said I was too cold, but at least the kids still love me. 1.6293 0.01966 1446 771 440 235
18 My childhood consisted of one licking after another. 1.6249 0.01930 1461 774 461 226
19 They keep referring to me as Cohen. It's Cone. 1.6248 0.02162 1258 694 342 222
20 I seem to be suffering from brain freeze. 1.6217 0.01906 1459 767 477 215
21 I can't seem to get hard anymore. 1.6137 0.02128 1310 739 338 233
22 No, Doc-- I said I was dropped on my head BY a small child. 1.6101 0.03045 613 340 172 101
23 I saw her with an Italian gelato.” 1.6062 0.01364 3636 2228 612 796
24 Perhaps I do have a self-serving bias 1.6051 0.02360 975 533 294 148
25 I'm ok most of the week, but I dread every Sundae. 1.6019 0.01874 1585 882 452 251
26 She left me for the "the cup", said, "he lasted longer!" 1.5993 0.01828 1692 953 464 275
27 …and then just as they were about to dip my head in butterscotch I wake up. 1.5981 0.02155 1177 653 344 180
28 Now that you mention it, maybe that chocolate shell wasn’t really protecting me from the world after all 1.5944 0.01851 1494 808 484 202
29 My mom...she's a Dairy Queen 1.5941 0.01883 1525 847 450 228
30 She’s sleeping with gelato. 1.5915 0.01844 1677 960 442 275
31 I feel as if I can never warm up to anyone. 1.5816 0.01801 1551 850 500 201
32 I wake up right before I hit the sidewalk. 1.5798 0.01691 2054 1216 485 353
33 It’s just that there’s so much swirling in my head right now. 1.5766 0.01842 1462 803 475 184
34 And to top it off, I only see my kids on sundaes. 1.5747 0.01820 1935 1206 346 383
35 I'm sure, doc. I know when I'm licked. 1.5707 0.01892 1838 1168 291 379
36 I feel women want only one thing from me 1.5701 0.01940 1412 809 401 202
37 I keep thinking I’m going soft in the head. 1.5699 0.02467 844 476 255 113
38 My biggest challenge is keeping my cool… 1.5691 0.01919 1353 754 428 171
39 I think I was either dropped as a child or by a child 1.5682 0.01951 1452 850 379 223
40 It's looking like there's never going to be a Mrs. Softee. 1.5663 0.02783 701 408 189 104
41 I have so many swirling thoughts. 1.5630 0.02291 929 518 299 112
42 'I scream inside my head, all the time..' 1.5575 0.02377 956 563 253 140
43 I know a lot of people have climate anxiety, but I’m actually losing my mind. 1.5520 0.02197 1076 628 302 146
44 It’s always ‘who wants ice cream,’ and never ‘what does ice cream want?’ 1.5503 0.02088 1363 849 278 236
45 You try to perform when she calls you Mr. Softee 1.5387 0.02294 1123 710 221 192
46 They only want me for one thing 1.5382 0.02194 994 573 307 114
47 It's been a rough week doc, I'm taking a big licking. 1.5373 0.02322 871 499 276 96
48 All of them, Doc. They all were screaming... Oh, the screaming. 1.5336 0.02416 922 563 226 133
49 Doc, I don’t last very long 1.5282 0.02336 850 492 267 91
50 I 've lost my good humor. 1.5249 0.03193 503 305 132 66
51 ‘Soft Serve is not a confidence building name…’ 1.5248 0.02385 806 467 255 84
52 I’m not hallucinating—people speak to me in tongues. 1.5198 0.02623 910 608 131 171
53 My wife complains that I'm cold and self-serving. 1.5179 0.02653 867 574 137 156
54 So I said, you knew I was vanilla when you married me. 1.5155 0.02453 873 543 210 120
55 And then one day she met a guy with sprinkles, and it was pretty much over. 1.5125 0.02540 839 531 186 122
56 I'm not the sort of person you can warm up to. 1.5116 0.02497 731 432 224 75
57 She said our love life is too vanilla. 1.5107 0.02654 703 430 187 86
58 Can't you just write me a prescription for more sprinkles? 1.5106 0.02463 803 488 220 95
59 My first mistake was moving to Phoenix. 1.5080 0.02772 689 435 158 96
60 What if it's not lactose she can't tolerate … what if it's just me? 1.5074 0.02568 808 512 182 114
61 Sundaes are the worst. 1.5064 0.02622 784 500 171 113
62 We had another fight about the thermostat. 1.5063 0.02541 794 496 194 104
63 And when did you first realize that you were self-serving? 1.5048 0.02729 735 473 153 109
64 I’m great in the morning, but by lunchtime I’m all over the place. 1.5035 0.04188 284 176 73 35
65 Some days I just really feel whipped. 1.5000 0.02778 604 367 172 65
66 I should mention I was formula fed. 1.4971 0.02608 680 414 194 72
67 So, you're saying I have an edible complex? 1.4958 0.02752 720 469 145 106
68 ...and suddenly I'm screaming, then you're screaming, then we're all screaming. 1.4958 0.02826 714 474 126 114
69 I simply cannot stop the thoughts from swirling around in my head. 1.4954 0.02693 648 398 179 71
70 They only date me because I’m rich and creamy. 1.4936 0.02801 699 458 137 104
71 My thoughts are twisted 1.4932 0.02750 588 355 176 57
72 Believe me, doc, I know when I'm licked. 1.4920 0.02808 687 449 138 100
73 I've always had a frosty relationship with my mother. 1.4912 0.02774 625 390 163 72
74 I’d rather be a dairy KING! 1.4897 0.02918 584 370 142 72
75 I'm trying to keep my head over this global warming thing! 1.4893 0.02734 560 333 180 47
76 But, do cooler heads REALLY prevail? 1.4887 0.02718 665 420 165 80
77 No matter what I say, she bites my head off. 1.4885 0.02879 608 388 143 77
78 If I hear one more joke about being a sweet guy, I'm going to have a meltdown. 1.4875 0.02784 599 371 164 64
79 I had the dream about the giant tongue again. 1.4868 0.02851 608 386 148 74
80 It's the same dream every night. I scream. You scream. We all scream. 1.4867 0.03120 600 408 92 100
81 I better talk fast. 1.4864 0.02892 625 406 134 85
82 She's too orally fixated. 1.4859 0.02948 531 329 146 56
83 I think I'm getting soft in the head. 1.4855 0.02833 585 365 156 64
84 Day after day, I just feel I'm getting licked. 1.4842 0.02830 568 351 159 58
85 I feel moving to a warmer climate would make my situation worse 1.4830 0.02695 617 380 176 61
86 And then there's the brain freeze. The constant brain freeze. 1.4828 0.02895 582 370 143 69
87 Did you say Oedipal or edible? 1.4828 0.02871 580 366 148 66
88 I came home and she was covered in chocolate! 1.4826 0.02754 634 401 160 73
89 And then I had a meltdown 1.4821 0.02856 587 371 149 67
90 I was an only chill. 1.4796 0.02739 565 343 173 49
91 Let’s face it. You are what you eat, and I’m living proof! 1.4793 0.02998 507 316 139 52
92 They scream, Doc. They all scream. 1.4791 0.03184 549 370 95 84
93 I'm afraid to tell my parents that I'm really a Dairy Queen. 1.4783 0.03223 554 379 85 90
94 As a kid I made friends easily. 1.4782 0.02843 596 380 147 69
95 She said she just wasn’t ready for dessert. 1.4761 0.03011 565 370 121 74
96 She complained I wasn’t cool enough and left me for a popsicle. 1.4746 0.02850 571 361 149 61
97 Okay if I pay you at my next appointment? 1.4733 0.03292 600 436 44 120
98 I worry that I'm just her flavor of the month. 1.4730 0.03099 518 337 117 64
99 Doc, I'm worried about global warming. 1.4726 0.02904 565 362 139 64
100 Mother was cold. 1.4722 0.02969 540 346 133 61
101 I’ve never been licked. 1.4715 0.02927 562 362 135 65
102 Somehow my kids still hate me. 1.4704 0.02961 506 317 140 49
103 My corporate clients claim I'm 'Too soft in the head.'" 1.4698 0.03017 464 286 138 40
104 People don't respect me. My wife says it's because I'm too soft. 1.4698 0.02990 496 311 137 48
105 I'm sick and tired of being called a Softee 1.4686 0.02944 510 320 141 49
106 Likeable! I told the genie I wanted to be really likeable! 1.4670 0.03352 424 274 102 48
107 Big deal. Your carpet looks like a fried egg." 1.4653 0.03230 490 326 100 64
108 I often feel just minutes away from a total meltdown. 1.4650 0.03214 443 283 114 46
109 I think people are chasing me. 1.4649 0.03134 555 379 94 82
110 She only calls when she wants a cheat day. 1.4637 0.03076 509 332 118 59
111 I feel so twisted. 1.4630 0.03065 460 289 129 42
112 Cooler heads don't often prevail. 1.4625 0.03644 333 211 90 32
113 I haven’t been the same since the split. 1.4614 0.03107 479 309 119 51
114 And there's this jingle I can't get out of my head. 1.4612 0.03246 412 260 114 38
115 In my dream, the little girl who drops me always turns out to be my mother. 1.4599 0.03351 474 323 84 67
116 My brother got all the sprinkles. 1.4599 0.03159 474 309 112 53
117 I can't get her out of my head. 1.4594 0.03464 468 326 69 73
118 I scream, you scream, the voices scream... 1.4593 0.03121 479 311 116 52
119 I just think that words like "soft" and "hard " are divisive. 1.4593 0.03257 479 321 96 62
120 I worry that you're writing down, ... twisted. 1.4593 0.03003 442 272 137 33
121 …and then everyone screams, so I scream. 1.4589 0.03234 499 338 93 68
122 I don't know how to deal with the "soft in the head" comments... 1.4582 0.02970 467 291 138 38
123 What am I missing in my life? Well, off the top of my head, I'd say "sprinkles". 1.4577 0.03311 461 309 93 59
124 Then she asked, ‘why can’t you get hard?’ 1.4575 0.03284 494 338 86 70
125 Every time I warm up to someone it just gets messy. 1.4573 0.03303 457 305 95 57
126 Doc, I am on the verge of a major meltdown! 1.4573 0.03116 468 302 118 48
127 I just can't stop thinking my thoughts are being shaped by other people. 1.4567 0.03219 462 304 105 53
128 I screamed… and then she screamed and it’s like we all screamed 1.4566 0.03110 484 316 115 53
129 Sometimes, late at night, when my family is asleep, I dip my head in chocolate and pretend I’m popular.” 1.4556 0.03327 439 291 96 52
130 I think my wife is double dipping. 1.4551 0.03159 468 306 111 51
131 I feel so alone since the banana split 1.4533 0.03342 439 293 93 53
132 No one takes my headaches seriously. 1.4525 0.03127 453 292 117 44
133 I scream. No one listens. 1.4521 0.03131 449 289 117 43
134 This ice cream headache is killing me. 1.4512 0.03254 410 263 109 38
135 My wife has Breyer’s remorse. 1.4500 0.03276 480 328 88 64
136 Why am I always a guilty pleasure, never just a pleasure? 1.4499 0.03285 429 282 101 46
137 I’m always worried she’ll drop me. 1.4476 0.03442 382 250 93 39
138 And to make matters worse, my wife is lactose intolerant. 1.4463 0.03413 410 274 89 47
139 She says I give her a headache. 1.4463 0.03388 428 289 87 52
140 She said that I was too vanilla... 1.4461 0.03093 408 255 124 29
141 Always MISTER Softee. What good is that PhD? 1.4457 0.03278 433 287 99 47
142 I can still hear their screams... 1.4452 0.03249 420 274 105 41
143 She said I was too vanilla for her. 1.4439 0.03305 410 269 100 41
144 I identify as custard 1.4410 0.03346 415 277 93 45
145 ...and then they ALL scream. 1.4390 0.03568 369 248 80 41
146 No, summer holidays weren't fun either. 1.4385 0.03288 390 253 103 34
147 Apparently, I was just the flavor of the month. 1.4379 0.03107 443 289 114 40
148 I’ve got perpetual brain freeze. 1.4378 0.03369 402 268 92 42
149 Let's talk about your most recent meltdown. 1.4375 0.03580 384 263 74 47
150 You hear the song too, right? 1.4373 0.03438 391 262 87 42
151 I’m trying to love myself, but I’m lactose intolerant. 1.4368 0.03390 380 250 94 36
152 Hey Doc ..... would you mind moving the lamp? 1.4364 0.03605 346 230 81 35
153 I don’t know… I just feel licked. 1.4348 0.03320 345 218 104 23
154 I feel like my life is swirling out of control 1.4344 0.03383 343 219 99 25
155 I’m having a meltdown. 1.4337 0.03658 362 248 71 43
156 My dad loved Ice Cream…at least once, apparently. 1.4334 0.03585 383 264 72 47
157 everyone expects me to make them happy 1.4332 0.03453 367 243 89 35
158 Is “brain freeze” really a diagnosis? 1.4330 0.03272 418 279 97 42
159 I’m just having a lot of anxiety about global warming right now. 1.4328 0.03419 372 246 91 35
160 A sherbet, Doc. She left me for a sherbet. 1.4320 0.03522 375 254 80 41
161 One minute I'm having brain freeze and the next minute a total meltdown. 1.4319 0.03679 345 234 73 38
162 I wet the bed. 1.4318 0.03760 396 287 47 62
163 Really? You think this fear of the sun is all in my head? 1.4314 0.03316 401 267 95 39
164 And then I just ...froze. 1.4313 0.03199 415 273 105 37
165 Apparently I have an edible complex. 1.4309 0.03486 362 241 86 35
166 Let's make it quick. I'm melting in this suit. 1.4309 0.03433 376 251 88 37
167 I have this recurring nightmare where I scream, you scream, we all scream... 1.4308 0.03609 390 273 66 51
168 I've been dealing with brain freeze my whole life. 1.4293 0.03476 396 272 78 46
169 I feel I’m always just on the verge of a complete meltdown. 1.4289 0.03504 408 285 71 52
170 It seems like everyone wants to bite my head off. 1.4286 0.03358 406 275 88 43
171 The prospect of kids terrifies me. 1.4282 0.03578 355 240 78 37
172 Why am I always so self-serving? 1.4281 0.03939 320 223 57 40
173 Everybody wants to bite my head off. 1.4275 0.03431 400 274 81 45
174 And I only found out because the baby came out a swirl. 1.4275 0.03542 386 267 73 46
175 Everything is a lot harder than I thought. 1.4272 0.03632 316 208 81 27
176 I hate it when my wife spoons me. 1.4262 0.03562 366 250 76 40
177 I've always hated being called a dairy queen. 1.4261 0.03391 352 230 94 28
178 I feel like my life is just melting away 1.4254 0.03464 355 236 87 32
179 I'm on the verge of a complete meltdown. 1.4250 0.03337 400 270 90 40
180 My wife says she's lactose intolerant. 1.4235 0.03475 366 247 83 36
181 Well summer’s not much fun, 1.4235 0.03228 392 258 102 32
182 She left me for the flavor of the month. 1.4232 0.03399 371 248 89 34
183 I've had some hard licks in life. 1.4230 0.03715 331 226 70 35
184 And my wife ran away with the spoon. 1.4220 0.03647 327 220 76 31
185 I scream on the inside. 1.4220 0.03573 346 234 78 34
186 I think I'm headed for a meltdown. 1.4218 0.03441 358 239 87 32
187 She left me for a waffle cone 1.4214 0.03468 337 222 88 27
188 What does it mean when you dream you're falling and you hear children crying? 1.4212 0.04076 292 204 53 35
189 Turns out I was just her flavor of the day… 1.4203 0.03626 345 236 73 36
190 How would you feel if your wife calls you Mr. Softy, 1.4176 0.03639 352 244 69 39
191 I want to get the dip but my wife says it’s cultural appropriation. 1.4174 0.03719 321 219 70 32
192 "So they said I should just come out as a Dairy Queen." 1.4157 0.03631 344 237 71 36
193 I've certainly taken my licks. 1.4157 0.03577 332 224 78 30
194 Do you know what "Mister Softee" looks like on a dating profile? 1.4150 0.03721 347 244 62 41
195 Everyone seems happy to see me but nobody takes me seriously. 1.4149 0.03931 282 192 63 27
196 At least you only went bald. 1.4147 0.03638 340 234 71 35
197 Well, you'd have an inferiority complex too if you were called "Mr. Softee" your whole life.... 1.4139 0.03609 331 225 75 31
198 I scream, you scream, we all scream. But for what? 1.4129 0.03839 310 215 62 33
199 How am I supposed to meet women with a name like 'Mr. Softee'? 1.4128 0.03629 344 238 70 36
200 No one wants to date a guy named Mr. Softee. 1.4128 0.03855 344 248 50 46
201 My wife says I'm too soft on the kids. 1.4125 0.03819 303 208 65 30
202 One minute she’s calling me sweet, the next she’s biting my head off 1.4121 0.04096 313 228 41 44
203 Well, doc, you see, um, I have trouble staying hard. 1.4108 0.03779 353 254 53 46
204 I am always on the verge of a complete meltdown. 1.4105 0.04114 285 202 49 34
205 I can’t shake feeling licked by life 1.4103 0.03755 290 195 71 24
206 I know I'm licked. When I meet someone hot, I just melt. 1.4094 0.03712 342 241 62 39
207 I just never know if people like me for MYSELF. 1.4089 0.03780 269 178 72 19
208 Do you have any idea how hard it is to meet women when your name is Mr. Softee? 1.4088 0.03852 296 204 63 29
209 All I see are tongues everywhere. 1.4086 0.03687 301 203 73 25
210 I can’t escape the feeling that below the surface, I’m just empty. 1.4078 0.03898 309 218 56 35
211 A classic edible complex Doc. 1.4074 0.03841 297 205 63 29
212 Is it OK if I scream? 1.4073 0.03909 302 212 57 33
213 She left me for some Gelato. 1.4067 0.03861 327 234 53 40
214 I had another meltdown yesterday. 1.4065 0.03638 310 210 74 26
215 I'm really worried about climate change. 1.4065 0.03751 310 214 66 30
216 My wife thinks I'm twisted and cold. 1.4063 0.03625 315 214 74 27
217 I feel like I’m just the flavor of the month. 1.4051 0.03474 316 210 84 22
218 My mother? Cold. Distant. She's the reason I came out twisted. 1.4050 0.04050 279 196 53 30
219 She wanted toppings; I didn’t. 1.4049 0.03773 284 192 69 23
220 Can I still get cremated? 1.4043 0.03922 282 195 60 27
221 I'd like to find a girl just like my Mom - but with sprinkles. 1.4040 0.03926 297 209 56 32
222 I scream, you scream….it’s all too much conflict. 1.4036 0.03961 275 190 59 26
223 My father would tell me I wasn’t worth a lick. 1.4032 0.03748 310 215 65 30
224 I still regret not getting sprinkles. 1.4026 0.03782 303 210 64 29
225 Nice try, doc. No, it's NOT better than being bald. 1.4023 0.04076 261 181 55 25
226 I just want someone to love me for who I am. Even on the cold days. 1.4019 0.03585 316 215 75 26
227 My wife’s threatening to dessert me. 1.4018 0.03511 336 230 77 29
228 …and that’s when she said she’s more of a cake person. 1.4015 0.03867 274 187 64 23
229 I’m experiencing existential dread about global warming. 1.4007 0.03965 307 221 49 37
230 I feel I'm just somebody's Flavor of the Month. 1.4006 0.03577 337 234 71 32
231 I have this recurring nightmare that I'm upside down on the sidewalk. 1.4000 0.03793 295 204 64 27
232 I’m tired of being the flavor of the month. 1.3993 0.04013 288 205 51 32
233 I know I sound a little twisted. 1.3987 0.03497 316 213 80 23
234 I scream, but no one listens. 1.3987 0.03752 306 213 64 29
235 If I hear "Keep a cool head!" one more time . . . 1.3986 0.03891 291 204 58 29
236 …and then she said “I’m lactose intolerant”… 1.3980 0.03910 304 217 53 34
237 I have a recurring dream about being licked. 1.3978 0.03758 274 185 69 20
238 My doubles partner says I'm a soft serve. 1.3975 0.03629 317 219 70 28
239 I feel like girls only want to date me for one thing ... 1.3973 0.03693 292 199 70 23
240 I'm a Dairy Queen in a Burger King body. 1.3972 0.04081 287 207 46 34
241 Except for this head cold, I feel fine, Doc. 1.3965 0.03854 285 198 61 26
242 Brain freezes aside, now my wife claims she’s lactose intolerant. 1.3964 0.03803 280 192 65 23
243 With a name like "Mr. Softee" seems to be a turn-ff with the ladies. 1.3953 0.03890 253 171 64 18
244 I got fired from my reporter job because I never got a scoop. 1.3947 0.03649 304 209 70 25
245 Sometimes I feel everyone is sticking their tongue out at me. 1.3943 0.03598 317 219 71 27
246 My relationship with my children feel so transactional. 1.3942 0.04064 241 165 57 19
247 Yes, I still have nightmares of Sundae School. 1.3942 0.04062 274 195 50 29
248 I was a middle child… the 16th of 31 flavors. 1.3942 0.03996 274 193 54 27
249 No matter what I do, I'm licked. 1.3939 0.03859 297 210 57 30
250 Then she left me for two Jewish guys in Vermont... 1.3936 0.04398 249 181 38 30
251 Everybody's screaming. 1.3930 0.03885 257 175 63 19
252 It seems no one wants plain vanilla any more. 1.3925 0.03680 293 201 69 23
253 Most days, I just feel licked. 1.3922 0.03869 283 198 59 26
254 After I introduce myself as Mister Softee, I never get a second date. 1.3912 0.03885 294 209 55 30
255 Last summer I had a total meltdown. 1.3903 0.03942 269 188 57 24
256 ...and then my girlfriend called me Mr. Softee. How am I supposed to live with that? 1.3898 0.03784 295 207 61 27
257 My life has lost its flavor. 1.3897 0.03861 290 205 57 28
258 My mother liked Chocolate more 1.3895 0.03782 285 198 63 24
259 The melt downs are non stop 1.3893 0.04025 280 201 49 30
260 Friends? Suddenly, they’re all lactose intolerant. 1.3893 0.04025 280 201 49 30
261 Sometimes I scream for no reason at all 1.3887 0.04158 265 191 45 29
262 Before we talk,do you have a napkin? 1.3876 0.04205 258 186 44 28
263 I'm not sure if I am lactose intolerant or if it's all in my head 1.3872 0.03970 266 187 55 24
264 ...I've been hearing these screams. 1.3872 0.03671 297 206 67 24
265 Where’s this going Doc? First you scream, then I scream. Pretty soon… 1.3868 0.04011 287 208 47 32
266 Doc, I'm afraid I won't be able to lick this problem. 1.3863 0.03923 277 196 55 26
267 Actually, my childhood was hard. 1.3862 0.03700 290 201 66 23
268 I can’t focus - my thoughts are swirling. 1.3862 0.03535 290 196 76 18
269 People assume I'm cool-minded, but honestly I feel like I'm always on the verge of a meltdown. 1.3860 0.03941 272 192 55 25
270 I enjoy being whipped. 1.3860 0.03611 285 194 72 19
271 I think I'm LGBTDQ 1.3859 0.04461 241 177 35 29
272 Just once, I would’ve liked to have been flavor of the month.” 1.3855 0.04120 262 188 47 27
273 Well, my mother is Neapolitan. 1.3855 0.03806 275 191 62 22
274 It's more of an upward spiral. 1.3849 0.03977 278 199 51 28
275 Ever since she discovered oat milk, she doesn’t look at me the way she did before. 1.3849 0.03742 278 192 65 21
276 I thought I was her Dairy King. 1.3843 0.03644 281 192 70 19
277 I see you got new furniture since my last meltdown. 1.3843 0.04288 242 174 43 25
278 I don't do public speaking because I tend to freeze. 1.3837 0.03538 258 170 77 11
279 I just don't like being licked all the time. Know what I mean? 1.3836 0.04189 219 151 52 16
280 "I would've been a great tennis player if it wasn't for my soft serve." 1.3826 0.04058 264 189 49 26
281 Is it warm in here? 1.3825 0.03641 285 196 69 20
282 Ok. I’ll let you. In lieu of payment. 1.3824 0.04257 238 170 45 23
283 Brain freeze? Is that all you’ve got? 1.3813 0.04063 257 183 50 24
284 I'll get straight to the pint. 1.3812 0.04035 223 152 57 14
285 Are they really all screaming for me? 1.3811 0.03865 265 185 59 21
286 But it’s not just you or I. They all scream. 1.3808 0.04138 260 188 45 27
287 My wife complains that Iv'e become a bit frosty. 1.3808 0.04029 239 166 55 18
288 It’s only a matter of time before I have a total meltdown 1.3803 0.04089 234 163 53 18
289 It just feels like my head is in a swirl. 1.3798 0.03700 258 175 68 15
290 I was born a dairy king, but I feel more like a dairy queen. 1.3795 0.04119 224 155 53 16
291 They treat me like I'm dispensable. 1.3793 0.04053 261 187 49 25
292 I don’t understand why nobody seems to look me in the eyes. 1.3793 0.03926 232 158 60 14
293 It's the same dream every time. I'm in a truck being chased by a bunch of screaming kids while a hideous tune plays over and over... 1.3793 0.04376 232 168 40 24
294 My mother was...cold. 1.3784 0.04111 259 187 46 26
295 I’m on the verge of a meltdown. 1.3784 0.04074 259 186 48 25
296 Summers are the worst. 1.3782 0.04082 238 167 52 19
297 They used to all scream for me. 1.3778 0.03811 270 189 60 21
298 Am I too self-serving? 1.3777 0.04098 278 205 41 32
299 Mother never gave me sprinkles. 1.3777 0.04360 233 169 40 24
300 ...Well it’s over, apparently she’s going lactose-free. 1.3775 0.04074 249 177 50 22
301 A month ago, she couldn't get enough, but yesterday I saw her checking out the apple cider donuts. 1.3773 0.03672 273 188 67 18
302 What do you think is triggering these meltdowns? 1.3768 0.03855 276 196 56 24
303 He gets to be the Burger King and I have to be the Dairy Queen? Is that fair? 1.3766 0.04029 231 160 55 16
304 I had another meltdown. 1.3766 0.04211 231 164 47 20
305 Never believed in this 'you are what you eat' thing and look at me now! 1.3760 0.04083 258 186 47 25
306 Mother always wanted a sundae. 1.3759 0.03874 274 195 55 24
307 It didn’t help that my mother was a chocolate lover. 1.3755 0.03599 245 163 72 10
308 She’s French kissing me one minute, then says she has a headache the next… 1.3745 0.04277 251 185 38 28
309 My thoughts are constantly swirling around in my head. 1.3745 0.04018 243 171 53 19
310 First I scream and then they scream and then we all scream and then I wake up 1.3744 0.04655 227 171 27 29
311 Do you think I have an edible complex? 1.3739 0.04087 222 154 53 15
312 They were all screaming... screaming for me. 1.3735 0.04302 249 184 37 28
313 My wife claims I give her headaches. 1.3735 0.03865 249 173 59 17
314 He screams, she screams. They all scream. 1.3735 0.03907 249 174 57 18
315 Last night in bed she yelled out "Ben!" . And then "Jerry". 1.3734 0.04248 241 175 42 24
316 I feel like I'm melting,but I know it's all in my head. 1.3730 0.04328 244 180 37 27
317 I dreamed about tongues again. 1.3729 0.04271 236 171 42 23
318 I keep having unexpected meltdowns. 1.3714 0.04114 245 176 47 22
319 Why is it that women always want chocolate? 1.3709 0.03893 275 198 52 25
320 On top of everything else, she left me for a smoothie. 1.3709 0.03789 275 195 58 22
321 Brain freeze. 1.3705 0.03963 251 178 53 20
322 My mother? She was always very cold 1.3704 0.04108 216 150 52 14
323 They say I’m cone-dependent. 1.3702 0.04152 235 168 47 20
324 My wife makes me sleep in the freezer. 1.3697 0.04199 238 172 44 22
325 I just feel like everything I’ve worked for is melting away. 1.3693 0.04077 241 172 49 20
326 “My wife says I’m too soft on our kids.” 1.3682 0.03602 258 176 69 13
327 I wouldn’t characterize it so much as brain fog…it’s more like brain freeze 1.3682 0.04100 239 171 48 20
328 It’s hard not to take global warming personally 1.3680 0.04289 231 168 41 22
329 So many things are just swirling around my head. 1.3680 0.04017 231 162 53 16
330 My childhood? Well, I guess my mother was always a little frosty... 1.3676 0.03897 253 179 55 19
331 I have all these thoughts swirling around in my head. 1.3672 0.03825 256 180 58 18
332 It’s just so hard to stay chill! 1.3672 0.03533 256 173 72 11
333 I always feel like I am about to have a melt down. 1.3671 0.04166 237 171 45 21
334 I'm afraid I'm getting soft. 1.3671 0.03663 237 160 67 10
335 I feel as though my brain is melting! 1.3668 0.04133 229 163 48 18
336 I was the Dairy Queen until drag shows were made illegal. 1.3668 0.04060 259 189 45 25
337 Before we get started could you do me a favor and turn the heat down? 1.3663 0.04091 243 175 47 21
338 Everybody assumes that I’m soft all over, but it’s just in my head. 1.3663 0.04091 243 175 47 21
339 Our date was going so well until I told her she could lick me. 1.3662 0.04500 213 156 36 21
340 I just can't stop melting down in public. 1.3660 0.03967 235 165 54 16
341 To this day, I've never been allowed back inside that haberdashery, and it hurts. 1.3659 0.04416 205 147 41 17
342 I can’t afford to have another meltdown. 1.3655 0.03977 238 168 53 17
343 Being called Mr. Softee gives me performance anxiety. 1.3648 0.04258 233 170 41 22
344 I've got brain freeze 1.3647 0.03750 255 178 61 16
345 Sometimes I'll wake up in the middle of the night and I scream 1.3644 0.04228 225 162 44 19
346 Never known a day without brain freeze. 1.3644 0.04131 236 170 46 20
347 Is it just me? Or is it hot in here? 1.3641 0.03926 217 149 57 11
348 They find me attractive, but afterward they feel ashamed. 1.3640 0.04369 228 168 37 23
349 I constantly Fear Global Warming 1.3640 0.04262 239 176 39 24
350 Sometimes I wish I could be harder. 1.3636 0.04148 220 156 48 16
351 Then she said I was cold 1.3636 0.04194 231 167 44 20
352 Fine then, I'll start at the beginning. My parents were always very cold to me... 1.3633 0.04104 245 178 45 22
353 It’s just been a week since my mother melted. 1.3633 0.03719 245 169 63 13
354 She says she loves me, but that I’m no good for her. 1.3629 0.04287 237 175 38 24
355 The first time I laid eyes on her I just melted. 1.3624 0.03985 229 161 53 15
356 Doc,I am having a meltdown! 1.3621 0.03871 243 171 56 16
357 I’ll never be able to lick this 1.3620 0.04231 221 159 44 18
358 Now my wife thinks she is lactose intolerant. 1.3613 0.04102 238 172 46 20
359 What I really wanted to be remembered for was my music. 1.3612 0.04056 227 161 50 16
360 All my life I thought I was cream, but my mother just told me we were ice milk. 1.3612 0.03704 227 154 64 9
361 I've come to realize I can't lick this problem myself, Doctor. 1.3609 0.04112 230 165 47 18
362 It is nice to be wanted, but why does everybody keep screaming for me? 1.3609 0.03971 230 162 53 15
363 I'm afraid I'm having a meltdown. 1.3607 0.04783 183 134 32 17
364 I had a killer backhand but was doomed by my soft serve. 1.3600 0.04030 225 159 51 15
365 She broke up with me because she claimed that I was too vanilla. 1.3596 0.04407 228 170 34 24
366 Supposedly my personality is too vanilla. 1.3595 0.04176 242 178 41 23
367 Everyone says my mind is twisted. 1.3595 0.04009 242 174 49 19
368 I met somebody but she's dairy free. 1.3594 0.04283 217 157 42 18
369 It’s just that every morning there’s always more than just a chance of sprinkles. 1.3593 0.04004 231 164 51 16
370 I can't shake the idea that my life is just plain vanilla. 1.3592 0.04170 206 145 48 13
371 Ok give me the scoop! 1.3586 0.04111 237 172 45 20
372 She said our sex life was too vanilla 1.3586 0.04154 237 173 43 21
373 I’m not a queen! I’m a king! 1.3585 0.04504 212 157 34 21
374 Being coolheaded is overrated. 1.3578 0.04252 204 145 45 14
375 It all started when they came out with that poop emoji. 1.3578 0.04600 218 165 28 25
376 And then she asked me if I’ve ever considered sprinkles 1.3574 0.04000 235 168 50 17
377 Why am I only attracted to lactose intolerant people?" 1.3571 0.04231 224 163 42 19
378 My thoughts keep swirling in my head. 1.3571 0.04231 224 163 42 19
379 I just feel so cold inside. 1.3568 0.04328 227 168 37 22
380 I'm worried I'm going soft in the head. 1.3568 0.03849 213 146 58 9
381 I feel I'm one lick away from a melt down. 1.3568 0.04336 213 155 40 18
382 why does she only want to see me on her cheat days 1.3568 0.04677 185 135 34 16
383 Yeah, I used to be bald too. But more importantly, what's with the fried egg rug? 1.3565 0.04440 216 160 35 21
384 You’re too vanilla,” she said. What does that even mean 1.3565 0.04242 216 156 43 17
385 Sixteen years of marriage & *now* she discovers she’s lactose intolerant? 1.3562 0.04332 233 174 35 24
386 I'm afraid kids will find out that I'm really a Dairy Queen. 1.3562 0.04022 233 167 49 17
387 OK Doc., here's the scoop. 1.3562 0.04299 219 160 40 19
388 It just seems like when I make others happy, there is less of me. 1.3561 0.04613 205 153 31 21
389 And then everybody started screaming. 1.3559 0.04110 222 159 47 16
390 My biggest fear is having a meltdown. 1.3558 0.04247 208 149 44 15
391 And then the cop said, ‘Freeze!’ 1.3558 0.04302 208 150 42 16
392 To start, can I trust you to keep the air conditioning on high? 1.3550 0.04364 200 144 41 15
393 Is it so much to ask for sprinkles? 1.3550 0.03997 231 165 50 16
394 My fantasy is to be a Dairy Queen. . 1.3548 0.04656 186 136 34 16
395 I want to be licked. 1.3538 0.04188 212 152 45 15
396 I feel like I have little time left. 1.3535 0.03932 215 150 54 11
397 ...and everyone was just... screaming... 1.3533 0.05018 150 108 31 11
398 It'd be easier to relax if you turned the thermostat down 1.3532 0.04514 201 148 35 18
399 Doc, I just need to know- is it brain freeze? Or is it just all on my head? 1.3532 0.04514 201 148 35 18
400 There's one problem I can't lick. 1.3529 0.04314 221 163 38 20
401 I’m done, doc. I’m licked. 1.3529 0.04246 187 131 46 10
402 It’s the music, doc. It follows me everywhere. 1.3527 0.04080 224 161 47 16
403 She said the thrill is gone and left me for Ben & Jerry 1.3527 0.04271 224 165 39 20
404 The doc said I have till Summer… 1.3527 0.04271 224 165 39 20
405 Maybe it's because I'm such a big Softee. 1.3527 0.04145 207 147 47 13
406 He screams. She screams. They all scream. And in that moment I just want to melt away. 1.3521 0.04225 213 154 43 16
407 Everytime I close my eyes I see a huge tongue coming towards me! 1.3518 0.04374 199 144 40 15
408 It doesn’t matter how hard I try, or what I do, people still see me as just plain vanilla. 1.3517 0.04113 236 173 43 20
409 You ever hear of brain freeze? 1.3516 0.04040 219 156 49 14
410 Sometimes I scream softly. 1.3515 0.04440 202 148 37 17
411 I’m licked, Doctor. 1.3515 0.04212 202 144 45 13
412 I think my repression comes from my parents. They were both so vanilla. And cold, come to think of it. 1.3515 0.03988 239 173 48 18
413 It's same dream every night. Dozens of kids chasing after me. 1.3514 0.04201 222 162 42 18
414 Of course I’m jealous! My brother was born a tiramisu gelato on a waffle cone! 1.3512 0.04338 205 149 40 16
415 Ice Cream and Ice Cream, Doc, but nobody hears me. 1.3511 0.03915 225 159 53 13
416 Women say I'm sweet, but I lack warmth. 1.3510 0.04556 208 156 31 21
417 My wife says I'm too vanilla. 1.3507 0.04143 211 151 46 14
418 My brother the snow cone was always the favorite, 1.3505 0.04156 214 154 45 15
419 'I scream! You scream!' It's driving me mad! 1.3504 0.04091 234 171 44 19
420 Even worse....I'm lactose intolerant. 1.3503 0.04750 177 130 32 15
421 If things heat up at work, as I expect, I know I'm going to have a major meltdown. 1.3502 0.04115 217 156 46 15
422 Life has been so vanilla lately 1.3498 0.04422 203 149 37 17
423 So my lactose intolerance is just self-loathing? 1.3498 0.04476 203 150 35 18
424 I really hate the music on the truck 1.3496 0.04049 226 163 47 16
425 I'm telling you, if I don't chill out, I'm going to have a meltdown! 1.3493 0.04435 209 155 35 19
426 My parents were always disappointed in me. They were Gelatos. 1.3491 0.04637 212 162 26 24
427 It’s like one day you wake up and realise all your sprinkles are gone. 1.3484 0.04401 221 166 33 22
428 It’s vanilla. Why did you ask? 1.3484 0.04061 221 159 47 15
429 I feel like I'm on the brink of a meltdown. 1.3478 0.04516 207 155 32 20
430 I guess it started when my mother told me, ‘You keep eating all these ice cream cones, you’re going to turn into one.’ 1.3476 0.04312 210 154 39 17
431 I think the cone envy started in middle school gym class. 1.3474 0.04511 190 139 36 15
432 But the same thoughts keep swirling in my head. 1.3472 0.04227 216 158 41 17
433 My mother radiated such warmth. It was pure agony. 1.3467 0.04423 199 146 37 16
434 I scream all the time. 1.3463 0.04077 231 169 44 18
435 My wife says I’m a big softie. 1.3459 0.03655 266 191 58 17
436 My head is spinning and I feel cold all of the time. 1.3455 0.04066 246 183 41 22
437 My parents always wanted chocolate. 1.3452 0.04734 197 150 26 21
438 Well, I survived the summer. 1.3448 0.03946 203 142 52 9
439 I didn't expect that transitioning from being a Dairy Queen to a Dairy King would be so difficult. 1.3447 0.04474 206 154 33 19
440 Everybody has been wanting to bite my head off. 1.3447 0.04257 206 150 41 15
441 I'm not in Good Humor... 1.3442 0.03803 215 150 56 9
442 All my friends have toppings. 1.3434 0.04256 198 143 42 13
443 They say I've gone soft! 1.3434 0.04134 198 141 46 11
444 She left me for two scoops of chocolate 1.3433 0.03969 201 141 51 9
445 And that’s when she told me she was lactose intolerant. 1.3431 0.04609 204 155 28 21
446 I've always felt inadequate for not being dipped 1.3431 0.04169 204 147 44 13
447 I struggle with brain freeze. 1.3430 0.04402 207 154 35 18
448 And then the headaches started. 1.3430 0.04559 207 157 29 21
449 It's all kinda swirling around in there. 1.3430 0.04070 207 148 47 12
450 I screamed; they screamed; and then we all screamed. 1.3429 0.04511 210 159 30 21
451 My mother was such a Dairy Queen. 1.3429 0.04087 210 151 46 13
452 Every day is like a Sundae... 1.3429 0.04343 175 124 42 9
453 I dread going to the beach. I witnessed my sister being abducted by a seagull." 1.3426 0.04219 216 159 40 17
454 I'm always having to say HEY, my eyes are down here !! 1.3425 0.04660 181 134 32 15
455 My head is always swirling. 1.3425 0.04127 219 160 43 16
456 I'm seriously worried about global warming, Doc. And don't tell me it's all in my head 1.3418 0.04578 196 147 31 18
457 I can't help but suffer an emotional meltdown. 1.3416 0.04310 202 148 39 15
458 I’m struggling to avoid a meltdown here. 1.3413 0.04277 208 153 39 16
459 I feel like I have a head cold, doc. 1.3412 0.04728 170 125 32 13
460 It’s not self-hatred, Doc. I’m just lactose intolerant. 1.3410 0.04811 173 129 29 15
461 “I’m telling you, doc! Everywhere I go, people scream and scream and scream…” 1.3404 0.04656 188 141 30 17
462 My wife says I've been too soft on the kids. 1.3403 0.04542 191 142 33 16
463 - you are what you eat. I can live with that. 1.3400 0.04452 200 149 34 17
464 Could this just be a case of brain freeze? 1.3399 0.04292 203 149 39 15
465 Everyone tries to top me. 1.3399 0.04118 203 146 45 12
466 Mother never let me have any sprinkles 1.3397 0.04260 209 154 39 16
467 No tissues, thank you. I prefer a giant fistful of paper napkins.” 1.3397 0.04038 209 150 47 12
468 Nobody really wants to be remembered as “Mister Softee” 1.3396 0.04110 212 154 44 14
469 Thanks for cranking up the AC! 1.3391 0.04040 233 172 43 18
470 It all started when she said she was lactose intolerant. 1.3390 0.04521 177 129 36 12
471 The screams, doc, I can't handle the screams. 1.3389 0.04803 180 136 27 17
472 She said she's "lactose intolerant" 1.3389 0.04398 180 130 39 11
473 Thank you for seeing me so soon, I’m having a real meltdown. 1.3386 0.04449 189 139 36 14
474 When I see her, my head just melts and I’m a mess 1.3383 0.04376 201 149 36 16
475 I keep dreaming of being licked. 1.3382 0.04160 204 148 43 13
476 Girls don't like me. I'm soft. 1.3381 0.04078 210 152 45 13
477 Climate change worries me, Doc. 1.3380 0.04261 216 161 37 18
478 They call me a dairy queen. 1.3377 0.04004 228 167 45 16
479 I have all these thoughts just swirling around in my head 1.3370 0.04780 181 137 27 17
480 My wife says I've been cold and distant. What choice do I have? 1.3368 0.04170 190 136 44 10
481 I’m “ too vanilla” according to her… 1.3367 0.04394 196 145 36 15
482 To her, I was just the next Flavor of the month! She’s moved on Doc! 1.3367 0.04453 196 146 34 16
483 And when people say they are lactose intolerant how does that make you feel? 1.3367 0.04106 199 143 45 11
484 And now with climate change I am even more anxious. 1.3367 0.04044 199 142 47 10
485 I can't focus, doc. My thoughts keep swirling. 1.3367 0.04462 199 149 33 17
486 And then she told me I was too vanilla in the bedroom 1.3366 0.04581 205 157 27 21
487 I had another meltdown on sundae.. 1.3365 0.04322 208 155 36 17
488 Then he called me a softie 1.3364 0.03913 214 153 50 11
489 I love my wife, I just feel like I'm indulging her. 1.3353 0.04298 167 118 42 7
490 Am I crazy or is my head a goddam ice cream cone? 1.3353 0.04861 170 128 27 15
491 May I lick? It's all I ever hear!! 1.3353 0.04789 170 127 29 14
492 ... and then the mean kids started calling me Mister Softee. 1.3352 0.04262 179 128 42 9
493 Why does everyone assume I'm such a softy? 1.3352 0.04495 182 134 35 13
494 And then, on top of everything, she called me Mister Softee. 1.3351 0.04377 185 135 38 12
495 So my mother said "soften up," and here we are. 1.3351 0.04171 185 132 44 9
496 And everyone just says, keep a cool head 1.3351 0.04171 185 132 44 9
497 I still have trouble with emotion. Growing up, it was always, "Keep your cool, Harold. Don't lose your head". 1.3351 0.04218 191 138 42 11
498 My wife got tired of soft serve. 1.3351 0.04533 191 143 32 16
499 As a kid I tried to fight back, but I always got licked. 1.3351 0.04361 194 143 37 14
500 I'm terrified of meltdowns. 1.3350 0.04004 197 140 48 9
501 Well Mister Softee, sounds to me like a self-fulfilling prophecy. 1.3350 0.04825 197 154 20 23
502 Just seeing it, I scream, you scream, we all scream. 1.3350 0.03938 197 139 50 8
503 I love her so much, but she is lactose intolerant. 1.3350 0.04433 197 147 34 16
504 It’s hard for me to warm up to anyone. 1.3349 0.04208 212 157 39 16
505 Please don’t humor me… 1.3333 0.04509 177 130 35 12
506 When she asked me if I was 'non-dairy', I just froze." 1.3333 0.04804 189 146 23 20
507 My mama has pink sprinkles. My daddy has brown sprinkles. My brother has green sprinkles. And I have a swirl on top. I am afraid I am adopted. 1.3333 0.04512 192 144 32 16
508 She says I’m too vanilla.” 1.3333 0.04424 186 137 36 13
509 I always fall for the ones who are lactose intolerant 1.3333 0.04643 201 155 25 21
510 I’m actually lactose intolerant. 1.3333 0.04457 180 132 36 12
511 Here's the scoop. 1.3333 0.04175 198 144 42 12
512 The poop emoji has ruined my life… 1.3333 0.04735 183 139 27 17
513 Is brain freeze really a thing? 1.3333 0.04296 213 160 35 18
514 I can't take the heat 1.3333 0.04608 159 115 35 9
515 I think and then I scream 1.3333 0.04113 198 143 44 11
516 Everyone thinks I'm soft! 1.3317 0.03859 208 148 51 9
517 That's when my mom admitted that she'd been hoping for a cup. 1.3317 0.04460 202 153 31 18
518 I'm just tired of all the screaming. 1.3317 0.04096 199 144 44 11
519 It’s not going to be pretty if I have a meltdown 1.3316 0.04559 196 149 29 18
520 Well, it’s not Mr. Stiffy, is it? 1.3316 0.04324 196 145 37 14
521 I’ve only got about 6 minutes here, so let me do the talking… 1.3316 0.04370 193 143 36 14
522 Everyone is always screaming. Is it me?? 1.3316 0.04492 193 145 32 16
523 And then I wake up and I scream ... 1.3316 0.04225 190 138 41 11
524 Your drapes look like the pants my clients wear. 1.3316 0.04419 190 141 35 14
525 My wife says I give her a headache. 1.3316 0.04355 190 140 37 13
526 ...they are words but they never sing them. They just scream, they all scream... 1.3316 0.04664 190 145 27 18
527 I just feel licked. 1.3315 0.04627 178 133 31 14
528 Everyone says I'm a softee. 1.3315 0.03881 178 123 51 4
529 If it’s not nuts, it’s sprinkles, or dried fruit. Why can’t I be loved for who I am? 1.3314 0.04683 175 131 30 14
530 She said I was a sweet guy but the sex was just too vanilla. 1.3314 0.04683 175 131 30 14
531 If my dad didn't want me to turn out soft, he shouldn't have married a smoothie. 1.3301 0.04296 209 157 35 17
532 I just feel like I'm having a meltdown. 1.3300 0.04039 203 147 45 11
533 I say I'll change, she says I'll always be plain vanilla. 1.3300 0.04433 200 151 32 17
534 My father was a real soda jerk. 1.3300 0.04140 200 146 42 12
535 I’m worried about having a complete meltdown. 1.3299 0.03993 197 141 47 9
536 I just don't feel delicious . 1.3299 0.04305 197 146 37 14
537 They said my brains turned soft 1.3298 0.03903 188 132 50 6
538 But what if cooler heads actually DON'T prevail? 1.3298 0.04636 188 143 28 17
539 I never see her anymore.. I think she's on a diet 1.3297 0.04366 185 136 37 12
540 I try to be assertive but everyone thinks I'm Mr. Softee. 1.3297 0.04415 182 134 36 12
541 I can't get hard. 1.3296 0.04672 179 135 29 15
542 Maybe I'm too soft... 1.3295 0.04373 176 128 38 10
543 I'm not thin enough for yogurt. I'm not rich enough for ice cream. Where do I belong? 1.3295 0.04144 176 125 44 7
544 Everyone asks about my toppings, no one asks about my feelings. 1.3295 0.04446 176 129 36 11
545 I'm a tennis pro, but lately I can only make soft serves. Do you think it's all in my head, Doc? 1.3295 0.04788 173 131 27 15
546 Then she licked me but I’m just not into that. 1.3294 0.04703 170 127 30 13
547 No matter the therapeutic modality, I keep having meltdowns. 1.3284 0.04140 204 150 41 13
548 I just keep having these melt downs. 1.3284 0.04198 204 151 39 14
549 It's hard being so soft. 1.3282 0.04271 195 144 38 13
550 I'm just feeling licked. 1.3282 0.04081 195 141 44 10
551 Cold? Sure, but never, ever distant. 1.3281 0.04317 192 142 37 13
552 Vanilla ... the word alone says it all. 1.3281 0.04562 192 146 29 17
553 I identify as ice cream 1.3280 0.04478 186 139 33 14
554 They keep telling me I’ve gone soft… that I’m vanilla… 1.3279 0.04529 183 137 32 14
555 People say I'm cold 1.3277 0.04125 177 126 44 7
556 And then she said, “you’re just too vanilla.” 1.3276 0.04834 174 133 25 16
557 They call me ‘ Softie’ but I am still a man, damn it! 1.3275 0.04376 171 124 38 9
558 It's like all she cared about was my brain 1.3274 0.04507 168 123 35 10
559 Just once I’d like someone to call me Carl. 1.3268 0.05394 153 120 16 17
560 OK Mister Softee shall we begin with the erectile dysfunction issue? 1.3267 0.04395 202 153 32 17
561 My mother always told me I was a little soft in the head, but… I had no idea!! 1.3266 0.04443 199 151 31 17
562 I'm telling you. 'Plain Vanilla.' It hurts. 1.3265 0.04606 196 151 26 19
563 My wife ran off with a milkshake. 1.3264 0.04601 193 148 27 18
564 I ask you, doctor...what did she expect? For Chrissakes, my NAME is Mr. Softee... 1.3262 0.04392 187 139 35 13
565 I’m licked, Doc, just licked 1.3260 0.04493 181 135 33 13
566 My life just seems so vanilla 1.3260 0.04283 181 132 39 10
567 Sometimes I feel like I'm going to have a melt down. 1.3258 0.04615 178 134 30 14
568 Help me, I've got brain freeze! 1.3256 0.04729 172 130 28 14
569 I’m always worried about being dipped. 1.3256 0.04432 172 126 36 10
570 It's been a rocky road. 1.3252 0.04048 206 151 43 12
571 ….and then she said I was twisted. 1.3252 0.04836 163 123 27 13
572 I knew it was over when she said I was getting soft. 1.3251 0.04088 203 149 42 12
573 I had the sidewalk dream again. 1.3250 0.04820 160 120 28 12
574 I'm just a pushover. I mean, everyone calls me Mister Softee. 1.3250 0.04536 200 154 27 19
575 I swear I saw a talking tree wearing a necktie! 1.3250 0.05136 160 124 20 16
576 Give it to me straight, doc. Am I going soft? 1.3250 0.04482 160 116 36 8
577 ...and then she broke up with me! She said she was going dairy-free. 1.3247 0.04462 194 147 31 16
578 She screamed, then I screamed. 1.3247 0.04687 154 113 32 9
579 I've always kept a cool head. 1.3246 0.04195 191 140 40 11
580 Constant, constant headaches." 1.3245 0.04307 188 139 37 12
581 She said she's giving up sweets. 1.3242 0.04472 182 136 33 13
582 When was your last meltdown? 1.3242 0.04472 182 136 33 13
583 I’m thinking of getting sprinkles. 1.3240 0.04311 179 131 38 10
584 Sure, mom liked me, but she loved Sundae the most. 1.3237 0.04776 173 132 26 15
585 Every time I try to be intimate with my wife, she says she gets a headache. 1.3237 0.03840 173 120 50 3
586 I may seem cold, unwelcoming, heartless even, but I assure you I am a softy. 1.3235 0.04616 170 127 31 12
587 Doctor, I'm simply at a point in my career when a meltdown would be disastrous. 1.3234 0.04172 201 149 39 13
588 Whenever I see her, it's like my brain freezes. 1.3234 0.04750 167 126 28 13
589 But the sprinkles never come... . 1.3229 0.04177 192 141 40 11
590 I can't shake this brain freeze. 1.3228 0.04287 189 140 37 12
591 I just can’t seem to stop my thoughts from swirling. 1.3228 0.04352 189 141 35 13
592 Worst part? Brain freeze. 1.3226 0.04401 186 139 34 13
593 The genie was hard of hearing. I said fairy queen. 1.3224 0.05164 152 117 21 14
594 Please,call me Ted. My father was Mr. Softee. 1.3221 0.04881 149 111 28 10
595 I hate sprinkles 1.3220 0.04484 177 132 33 12
596 Rainbow sprinkles would be amazing, but I'm not sure how my parents would feel. 1.3220 0.04412 177 131 35 11
597 What's my problem? Doc, all my life I've suffered from brain freeze. 1.3218 0.04682 174 132 28 14
598 Up 'til now, my life has been very vanilla." 1.3218 0.04464 174 129 34 11
599 I can still hear the kids screaming. 1.3218 0.04752 174 133 26 15
600 Sometimes I feel like people use me for their own pleasure 1.3211 0.04397 190 143 33 14
601 I believe what we are dealing with here, is a Neapolitan Complex 1.3210 0.04687 162 121 30 11
602 I need to accept that I”ll never be parfait. 1.3200 0.03995 200 146 44 10
603 My wife thinks I'm cold. 1.3200 0.04214 175 127 40 8
604 Do you think I'm too much of a Softee? 1.3200 0.04515 175 131 32 12
605 Maybe if I'd had sprinkles... 1.3198 0.04494 172 128 33 11
606 Everyone seems to think they can lick me. 1.3198 0.04418 172 127 35 10
607 All my life I have found refuge in cold, dark places. 1.3195 0.04549 169 126 32 11
608 I don't know, this might all just be a simple head cold. 1.3193 0.04837 166 127 25 14
609 I’ve softened but it still hurts. 1.3191 0.03728 188 132 52 4
610 No matter how hard I try,I always get licked. 1.3191 0.04614 188 145 26 17
611 Maybe it's true. Maybe I am a big softie. 1.3190 0.04900 163 125 24 14
612 They say cooler heads prevail, but this isn’t working for me 1.3189 0.04063 185 134 43 8
613 I just don't think I can take another meltdown 1.3187 0.04391 182 136 34 12
614 It always ends the same. The little kid drops me on the sidewalk and the dog gets me. 1.3184 0.04224 179 131 39 9
615 'Mr. Softee' --my identity and the death of my dating life. 1.3184 0.04580 179 136 29 14
616 I’m very nervous about global warming 1.3184 0.04370 179 133 35 11
617 I had another meltdown last week. 1.3184 0.04224 179 131 39 9
618 I always try to keep a cool head. 1.3184 0.04279 201 152 34 15
619 Thank you for working on a sundae. 1.3182 0.04671 154 114 31 9
620 I just feel like I’m spiraling 1.3179 0.04058 195 143 42 10
621 I don't feel appreciated at work. Whenever I offer a suggestion, my ideas are immediately dismissed as being 'too vanilla' -- whatever that means. 1.3179 0.04319 173 127 37 9
622 Sometimes I feel I have 31 personalities. 1.3179 0.04620 173 131 29 13
623 I’m suing Rogaine. 1.3179 0.04547 173 130 31 12
624 I’m starting to feel that my meltdown was all in my head. 1.3179 0.04396 173 128 35 10
625 I'm nothing but empty calories. 1.3179 0.04639 151 111 32 8
626 Nothing I do seems to make a difference. Everyone says I’m so vanilla. 1.3176 0.04448 170 126 34 10
627 And the children! Oh my god, the running children. 1.3176 0.04985 148 112 25 11
628 Life’s got me licked 1.3175 0.04276 189 141 36 12
629 Sure,you think if I keep a cool head everything will be just fine! 1.3174 0.04659 167 126 29 12
630 I have no problem getting into relationships, but they never seem to last more than ten minutes. 1.3172 0.04962 145 109 26 10
631 No matter what I say or do, people always think that I’m soft in the head. 1.3171 0.04474 164 121 34 9
632 I can't seem to get hard. 1.3169 0.04439 183 138 32 13
633 I don’t know, doc, sometimes I just feel like I’m going soft. 1.3169 0.04370 183 137 34 12
634 They keep calling me soft in the head. 1.3169 0.04832 142 105 29 8
635 But I’m NOT a softie… 1.3168 0.04144 202 151 38 13
636 I still have difficulty keeping my cool. 1.3165 0.04315 158 114 38 6
637 I always seem to freeze up in social situations. 1.3164 0.04174 177 129 40 8
638 Whenever I meet a girl I melt. 1.3164 0.04174 177 129 40 8
639 I try to be a tough guy, but everyone says I'm a softee. 1.3163 0.04230 196 147 36 13
640 I keep having terrible headaches. 1.3163 0.04291 196 148 34 14
641 Nobody orders Dairy King. 1.3161 0.04669 174 133 27 14
642 I was a popular child. 1.3158 0.04348 171 126 36 9
643 I scream. You scream. We all scream for ice cream. And then I wake up. 1.3158 0.04798 152 114 28 10
644 When they said you are what you eat, I didn’t think it would get this far. 1.3158 0.04503 171 128 32 11
645 She said I was too vanilla. I mean... hello... 1.3155 0.04498 187 143 29 15
646 I think I am just having a hard time with the end of summer meltdown. 1.3155 0.04369 187 141 33 13
647 They say I'm twisted. 1.3155 0.03973 168 119 45 4
648 Doctor, I feel like I'm having a meltdown. 1.3152 0.04281 184 137 36 11
649 When I go outdoors I feel like I'm having a meltdown 1.3149 0.04035 181 131 43 7
650 I feel like I’m on the verge of a meltdown. 1.3146 0.04230 178 131 38 9
651 The cowlick is the least of my problems. 1.3145 0.04648 159 119 30 10
652 My mother was very sweet -- and yet there was an underlying coldness. 1.3143 0.04574 175 133 29 13
653 Don't know why but my head keeps spinning. 1.3141 0.04530 156 115 33 8
654 For some reason I scream at everyone. 1.3141 0.04796 156 118 27 11
655 So that’s my inside scoop. 1.3137 0.04587 153 113 32 8
656 But it's like, what do I scream for? 1.3136 0.04762 169 130 25 14
657 I scream when I see what I've become. 1.3136 0.04534 169 127 31 11
658 From now on, no more Mr Softie! 1.3135 0.04330 185 139 34 12
659 I’m having nightmares about global warming 1.3135 0.04192 185 137 38 10
660 From the beginning they promised me a cherry on top. 1.3133 0.04510 166 124 32 10
661 Deep inside I feel conely. 1.3132 0.04447 182 138 31 13
662 What’s so wrong with being vanilla? 1.3130 0.05207 131 99 23 9
663 I scream. You scream. We all scream. And that's why I can't sleep at night. 1.3129 0.04904 147 111 26 10
664 I feel like I'm constantly on the verge of a melting down. 1.3129 0.04808 147 110 28 9
665 I just feel stuck, like I’m frozen 1.3129 0.04648 163 123 29 11
666 I feel like I have permanent brain freeze. 1.3128 0.04357 179 134 34 11
667 It's hard to get dates when your name is Mister Softee. 1.3128 0.04770 179 140 22 17
668 Doc, I think I’m too much of a softie. 1.3128 0.04174 195 146 37 12
669 Sometimes I wish it would all just melt away. 1.3125 0.04480 176 133 31 12
670 I just want people to lick me. 1.3121 0.04458 173 130 32 11
671 I don't know doc, the thoughts in my head are just so cold and twisted. 1.3121 0.04683 157 118 29 10
672 People think I'm Mr Softee but inside I feel like Rocky Road 1.3118 0.04310 186 140 34 12
673 People are out to get me. 1.3118 0.04354 170 126 35 9
674 I’m so tired of telling people, “Hey! My eyes are down here!” 1.3118 0.04434 170 127 33 10
675 I just can't handle all the screaming for me. 1.3118 0.04354 170 126 35 9
676 I’m really trying to lick this thing. 1.3117 0.04562 154 114 32 8
677 She wanted to try new things in the bedroom. I said, "I can't help it if I'm vanilla." 1.3113 0.04989 151 116 23 12
678 We’ll start licking, then she always gets a headache. 1.3111 0.04477 180 137 30 13
679 All of a sudden, she's lactose-intolerant.” 1.3111 0.04477 180 137 30 13
680 I just feel like I'm getting soft. 1.3110 0.04542 164 123 31 10
681 I can't control my meltdowns most summer days. 1.3110 0.04459 164 122 33 9
682 She said she prefers chocolate. 1.3110 0.04459 164 122 33 9
683 My mother? I loved my mother! She was a dairy queen! 1.3109 0.04627 193 152 22 19
684 I just feel like I’ve been licked. 1.3107 0.04160 177 130 39 8
685 I think I'm self-intolerant. 1.3106 0.04247 161 117 38 6
686 I know they say cooler heads prevail, but sometimes I just have a meltdown. 1.3106 0.04764 161 123 26 12
687 I’m dipping into despair… there’s not a sprinkle of hope. 1.3103 0.04361 174 130 34 10
688 Sometimes I worry that I’m just a big softee 1.3103 0.04284 174 129 36 9
689 I'm transitioning to Dairy King 1.3101 0.04481 158 117 33 8
690 Doc, you gotta help me..kids follow me wherever I go 1.3099 0.04713 171 132 25 14
691 Every woman I've dated says I'm cold. 1.3099 0.04489 171 129 31 11
692 I feel like you're twisting everything I say. 1.3099 0.04707 142 105 30 7
693 My mother? She was the Dairy Queen, and I loved her. 1.3098 0.04405 184 140 31 13
694 I can’t sleep. I’m obsessed with climate change. 1.3097 0.04806 155 118 26 11
695 And then I walked in on her spooning the gelato. 1.3097 0.04628 155 116 30 9
696 She sees someone else for a proper meal and only comes to me for dessert. 1.3097 0.04806 155 118 26 11
697 She told me I was too soft. 1.3095 0.04218 168 123 38 7
698 Sprinkles! You had to bring up sprinkles. 1.3094 0.04455 181 138 30 13
699 I was flavor of the month and then nothing... 1.3091 0.04757 165 127 25 13
700 Doctor, my head is swirling 1.3090 0.04364 178 134 33 11
701 ‘Mister’ does help, but ‘Softee’ is so emasculating. 1.3090 0.04436 178 135 31 12
702 I dreamt my Mother was a cow. 1.3089 0.03741 191 137 49 5
703 I’ve even tried rainbow sprinkles to bring back some zest into my vanilla life 1.3087 0.04140 149 106 40 3
704 This anxiety always kicks in as we approach Summer. 1.3086 0.04403 162 120 34 8
705 My wife left me for a Nutty Buddy! 1.3081 0.04466 172 130 31 11
706 Sure, I'm cold...but I'm not cool! 1.3077 0.04512 156 116 32 8
707 Heavy hangs the head that wears the cone! 1.3077 0.04748 169 131 24 14
708 I have frequent meltdowns. 1.3077 0.04162 195 147 36 12
709 I'm tired of being called Mr. Softee. 1.3068 0.04165 176 130 38 8
710 Of Course my kids love it 1.3067 0.04293 163 120 36 7
711 My wife says I’m a softy. 1.3067 0.04632 163 124 28 11
712 Maybe it’s all in my head, but everyone just seems lactose intolerant these days. 1.3067 0.04632 163 124 28 11
713 Sometimes it’s hard being soft 1.3065 0.04040 199 149 39 11
714 31 flavors, and I still couldn’t satisfy. 1.3064 0.04048 173 126 41 6
715 No one screams for ice cream any more. When did being soft serve get so hard? 1.3062 0.04433 160 119 33 8
716 It’s a horrifying recurring dream, Doc.. I scream, then you scream, we ALL scream… 1.3062 0.04691 160 122 27 11
717 The screaming’s a bit much. 1.3062 0.04343 160 118 35 7
718 Sometimes, it feels like my mind is just melting away. 1.3060 0.04547 183 142 26 15
719 Everyone says,"yeah, I've had brain-freeze," but they just don't get it. 1.3059 0.04573 170 130 28 12
720 The brain freeze is one thing, but the constant licking from complete strangers is just too much at this point. 1.3057 0.04922 157 122 22 13
721 Viagra didn't work, either. 1.3056 0.04394 180 137 31 12
722 This motherfucker. 1.3054 0.04783 167 130 23 14
723 Honestly, there are days when all I can think about are sprinkles. 1.3054 0.04630 167 128 27 12
724 I wish people would stop assuming I'm vanilla based on how I look! 1.3054 0.04222 167 123 37 7
725 She left me for Mr. Hardie 1.3054 0.04222 167 123 37 7
726 Whenever I think of it, I scream. 1.3052 0.04450 154 114 33 7
727 I feel like I'm about to have a meltdown. 1.3052 0.04637 154 116 29 9
728 Everyone treats me as if I'm just plain-vanilla. 1.3052 0.04727 154 117 27 10
729 Damn kids won’t leave me alone 1.3052 0.04637 154 116 29 9
730 Since Labor Day. 1.3051 0.04516 177 136 28 13
731 I'm always scared I'm having a meltdown. 1.3051 0.04371 177 134 32 11
732 Egghead I could deal with ... but this?! 1.3050 0.05027 141 108 23 10
733 Nobody ever screams for me." 1.3046 0.04972 151 117 22 12
734 Thanks for keeping it cool in here. 1.3046 0.04110 174 128 39 7
735 I think people like me only because I'm such a softie 1.3046 0.04190 174 129 37 8
736 People constantly mistake me for Matt Gaetz. 1.3043 0.04830 161 125 23 13
737 Seagulls. Because you never see them coming. 1.3043 0.04410 161 120 33 8
738 Sometimes I feel I'm just a people pleaser. 1.3043 0.04184 184 138 36 10
739 She only wants to lick me. 1.3043 0.04410 161 120 33 8
740 At first I thought I was just coming down with a head cold. 1.3041 0.04474 171 130 30 11
741 I don't know. I keep getting these severe headaches out of the blue. 1.3041 0.04396 171 129 32 10
742 Everybody likes me, but I’m not good for them. 1.3041 0.04550 171 131 28 12
743 So, Mr. Softee just doesn't work on the dating sites. 1.3036 0.04528 168 128 29 11
744 Everyone says vanilla like it’s a bad thing. 1.3036 0.04528 168 128 29 11
745 I keep having this dream that I want to dip my head in chocolate. 1.3034 0.04827 145 110 26 9
746 My relationships have never lasted long. 1.3034 0.04422 178 136 30 12
747 My mother? She was twisted and cold. 1.3034 0.04633 178 139 24 15
748 True!!! She's such a Dairy Queen !!! 1.3034 0.04494 178 137 28 13
749 This brain freeze thing is driving me crazy! 1.3034 0.04276 178 134 34 10
750 It makes me feel like I’m living with constant brain freeze. 1.3030 0.04335 165 123 34 8
751 My wife is frigid. 1.3029 0.04325 175 132 33 10
752 ...and people think it's OK to just lick my head! 1.3027 0.04371 185 142 30 13
753 Sure, Conehead and Dairy Queen hurt. But, they called me Milli Vanilli. 1.3027 0.04504 185 144 26 15
754 Tongues. Everywhere I go, all I see is tongues. 1.3025 0.04883 162 127 21 14
755 I feel like a pushover -- always Mr. Softie. 1.3023 0.04602 172 133 26 13
756 I know it’s all in my head. But I feel that my whole life is like …. vanilla. 1.3022 0.04281 182 138 33 11
757 Sometimes it feels like the whole world is lactose intolerant. 1.3020 0.04637 149 112 29 8
758 Every Spring I feel like I’m headed for a melt-down! 1.3019 0.04701 159 122 26 11
759 Doc, my wife's frigid! 1.3019 0.04615 159 121 28 10
760 Global warming really has me worried... 1.3018 0.04426 169 128 31 10
761 It’s like a brain freeze, only worse. 1.3018 0.04658 169 131 25 13
762 . . . but all along I knew, inside me, that I was really a Dairy King! 1.3017 0.04677 179 141 22 16
763 It’s the kids… They’re eating me alive. 1.3015 0.05455 136 108 15 13
764 I feel like such a loser. I get licked no matter what I do. 1.3013 0.04585 156 118 29 9
765 I just feel I’m licked 1.3013 0.04585 156 118 29 9
766 Everywhere I go, I get a frosty reception. 1.3012 0.04051 166 121 40 5
767 He screams, she screams, they ALL scream at me! 1.3012 0.04717 166 129 24 13
768 What does she expect? They call it soft serve for a reason! 1.3011 0.04303 176 133 33 10
769 My friends call me 'scoop' " 1.3007 0.04552 143 106 31 6
770 Ever had a brain freeze, doc? 1.3006 0.04363 163 122 33 8
771 Sometimes I just feel completely licked. 1.3006 0.04504 173 133 28 12
772 The worst part is the constant brain freeze. 1.3005 0.04302 193 149 30 14
773 You try going through high school with a name like Mister Softee 1.3000 0.04504 160 121 30 9
774 A lot of people say I come off as cold . . . 1.3000 0.04590 160 122 28 10
775 Do you think it's the dairy? 1.3000 0.04612 140 104 30 6
776 Is long brain freeze in the DSM? 1.3000 0.04610 150 113 29 8
777 I CANT LICK IT 1.3000 0.05139 140 109 20 11
778 And then there are the headaches. 1.2994 0.04455 167 127 30 10
779 I really just can’t take my licks. 1.2994 0.04470 157 118 31 8
780 I swear it's brain freeze Doc 1.2988 0.04672 164 127 25 12
781 I have a constant head cold. 1.2987 0.04526 154 116 30 8
782 Mr. Softee." "Mr. Softee." I was in Nam for Chrissakes 1.2987 0.04710 154 118 26 10
783 I don’t think you understand meltdowns like I do” 1.2987 0.04619 154 117 28 9
784 Some days, I want to top myself. 1.2987 0.04235 154 113 36 5
785 Yes I'm popular, but I know I'm fake. 1.2986 0.04525 144 107 31 6
786 I know when I'm licked. 1.2981 0.04479 161 122 30 9
787 Let’s just say that the name doesn’t exactly help with the ladies, if you know what I mean. 1.2980 0.04584 151 114 29 8
788 I never carry enough napkins... 1.2979 0.04800 141 107 26 8
789 Women aren’t interested, they say I’m vanilla. 1.2975 0.04710 158 122 25 11
790 I have this recurring nightmare about shopping for a hat. 1.2975 0.04794 158 123 23 12
791 I'm trying to not be such a softie, but it's just who I am. 1.2973 0.04544 148 111 30 7
792 Why do they all scream at me? 1.2973 0.04838 148 114 24 10
793 Well I’ll eat my hat. 1.2973 0.04337 148 109 34 5
794 She told me she can't love a man without sprinkles. 1.2973 0.04644 148 112 28 8
795 When I saw her, I just froze. 1.2973 0.04644 148 112 28 8
796 I have so many questions swirling in my head! 1.2970 0.04567 165 127 27 11
797 It’s your perspective that could change, they’re screaming for you, not at you. 1.2970 0.04486 165 126 29 10
798 Women say I make them fat, Doc. 1.2968 0.04859 155 121 22 12
799 Eyes open or closed, I’m haunted by an incessant, insistent, melody. 1.2966 0.04603 145 109 29 7
800 I feel like I'm licked and I'm about to melt down. 1.2966 0.04498 145 108 31 6
801 I can't get the jingle out of my head. 1.2963 0.04369 162 122 32 8
802 You can't imagine how embarrassing it is to be the Dairy Queen's consort. 1.2963 0.05159 135 105 20 10
803 Why is it that no matter what I do I get licked. 1.2963 0.04624 162 125 26 11
804 They lied, cooler heads do not prevail. 1.2961 0.04461 152 114 31 7
805 My father was the Good Humor man. 1.2961 0.05099 152 121 17 14
806 It's like I have a brain freeze. 1.2961 0.04461 152 114 31 7
807 I would really like to work through my anxiety. Whenever I’m in social settings, I just freeze. 1.2959 0.04489 169 130 28 11
808 Well… Word got out, and now everybody keeps calling me Mister Softee. 1.2959 0.04078 169 125 38 6
809 Yea, I had a severe meltdown the other day. It was a sticky situation. 1.2958 0.04875 142 109 24 9
810 Doctor I can’t explain it, but I feel like I always have brain freeze. 1.2956 0.04851 159 125 21 13
811 Am I too soft, doctor? 1.2956 0.04330 159 119 33 7
812 I also never last very long. 1.2956 0.04598 159 122 27 10
813 Am I afraid of intimacy? People are licking me. 1.2956 0.04598 159 122 27 10
814 First things first, can you turn the AC way down? 1.2955 0.04288 176 134 32 10
815 People keep telling me I'm soft in the head. 1.2953 0.04518 149 112 30 7
816 I’m feeling licked. 1.2953 0.04714 149 114 26 9
817 My wife says I’m cold but I’m really a big softie. 1.2953 0.04416 149 111 32 6
818 It’s like I’m melting 1.2953 0.04617 149 113 28 8
819 I guess I should be grateful. I made it through the summer without a meltdown 1.2953 0.04518 149 112 30 7
820 and then she wanted to dip me in warm chocolate” 1.2953 0.04312 149 110 34 5
821 From now on, I want you to call me Loretta. 1.2952 0.04032 166 122 39 5
822 I'm finding it hard to keep a cool head these days doc. 1.2949 0.04745 156 121 24 11
823 Mother could be downright frosty at times. 1.2945 0.04778 146 112 25 9
824 The problem is--I think I've gone soft. 1.2945 0.04576 146 110 29 7
825 My wife called me a dip. 1.2945 0.04472 146 109 31 6
826 It’s been a rocky road, doc. A rocky road. 1.2945 0.04576 146 110 29 7
827 I have this fear of being licked. 1.2945 0.04517 163 125 28 10
828 Yes, the sex is rather vanilla. 1.2941 0.04238 153 113 35 5
829 Everyone knows I'm a big softie. 1.2941 0.04626 153 117 27 9
830 I dunno Doc, sometimes I feel like I just can’t lick this thing 1.2941 0.04338 153 114 33 6
831 I love her too, but why will she only see me on her cheat days? 1.2941 0.05018 136 105 22 9
832 I start a sentence, then... 1.2938 0.04114 177 133 36 8
833 I scream a lot! 1.2937 0.04486 160 122 29 9
834 I want to date someone who's really hot! But for some reason I feel threatened. 1.2937 0.04741 160 125 23 12
835 Doc, do you think I am suffering from an Edible Complex 1.2937 0.04658 160 124 25 11
836 My parents weren't planning to have any.. I was an unexpected twist. 1.2937 0.04215 160 119 35 6
837 As a reporter I naturally told the genie that I wanted a scoop. 1.2937 0.04845 143 110 24 9
838 I was bullied as a child, but I learned to take a licking. 1.2937 0.04742 143 109 26 8
839 I feel the weight of the whirled on my shoulders 1.2937 0.04845 143 110 24 9
840 My mother was distant, and my father was so… cold. 1.2937 0.04420 143 106 32 5
841 Can you help me lick this?! 1.2934 0.04357 167 127 31 9
842 I am so embarrassed, but I can’t get hard anymore! 1.2933 0.04492 150 113 30 7
843 I had to admit to her I'm nonbinary not non dairy. 1.2933 0.04590 150 114 28 8
844 And then suddenly...my brain just freezes! 1.2931 0.04391 174 134 29 11
845 Can you believe it? My tennis coach told me I have a soft serve! 1.2930 0.04451 157 119 30 8
846 And then they started calling me a Dairy Queen!! 1.2930 0.04451 157 119 30 8
847 I just can't stop hearing it doc... the music's always there... 1.2930 0.04542 157 120 28 9
848 I mean, what even IS a conehead? 1.2930 0.04888 157 124 20 13
849 Sorry about the meltdown last time. 1.2929 0.04914 140 108 23 9
850 Yes, it's true, I am a Dairy Queen. 1.2929 0.05018 140 109 21 10
851 Let’s keep this session short before I have a meltdown. 1.2929 0.04700 140 106 27 7
852 I feel like I'm being followed. 1.2927 0.05128 123 94 22 7
853 I feel dispensable. 1.2927 0.04814 164 130 20 14
854 I want to tell you all my problems but first, can you turn up your air conditioning 1.2927 0.04408 164 125 30 9
855 I'm afraid you have a rare entity called Breyer's remorse. 1.2925 0.04942 147 115 21 11
856 Mother never hid the fact that she'd have preferred a sugar cone. 1.2925 0.05127 147 117 17 13
857 And my wife has been giving me the warm shoulder lately too. 1.2925 0.04340 147 109 33 5
858 My mother wouldn’t let me have sprinkles when I was a child. 1.2924 0.04669 171 135 22 14
859 I’m not a softie! 1.2923 0.04938 130 99 24 7
860 I feel like more and more people are becoming intolerant of me. 1.2922 0.04600 154 118 27 9
861 Every time she kisses me she claims to get a headache. 1.2920 0.04986 137 106 22 9
862 Doc, you've gotta help me lick this thing. 1.2920 0.04877 137 105 24 8
863 They say I'm soft in the head. 1.2919 0.04462 161 123 29 9
864 Sometimes I just feel like all the good things are melting away". 1.2917 0.04251 168 127 33 8
865 I was just a summer fling. 1.2914 0.04294 175 134 31 10
866 And then she said I was frigid. 1.2914 0.04466 151 114 30 7
867 I feel licked, doc. 1.2911 0.04427 158 120 30 8
868 Nobody loves me! Everyone prefers chocolate! 1.2911 0.04605 158 122 26 10
869 Just trying to make it to Sundae, doc. 1.2910 0.05061 134 104 21 9
870 I'm not even real vanilla. 1.2909 0.04213 165 124 34 7
871 So how long can a brain freeze last? 1.2909 0.04469 165 127 28 10
872 Doc, the problem is everyone thinks I'm a softee. 1.2909 0.04710 165 130 22 13
873 People keep asking if I'm related to the Coneheads. 1.2908 0.04449 141 105 31 5
874 ….and don’t even get me started about the brain freeze…. 1.2905 0.05186 148 119 15 14
875 I think it’s vanilla guilt. 1.2905 0.04096 148 108 37 3
876 I had the nightmare about the hair dryer again. 1.2903 0.05092 124 95 22 7
877 I don't understand it doctor, people take me for a softie. 1.2903 0.04256 186 144 30 12
878 People find me cold, but I'm really a softy. 1.2903 0.04290 155 116 33 6
879 Doc, I feel I’m on the verge of a meltdown. 1.2903 0.04841 155 122 21 12
880 My mother was always so cold… 1.2903 0.04481 155 118 29 8
881 Life seems so vanilla. 1.2901 0.04350 162 123 31 8
882 The horrible dream I had was that my barber used the blow dryer! 1.2901 0.04523 162 125 27 10
883 No I can't help brain freeze 1.2901 0.04438 162 124 29 9
884 It all started when I realized that, everyone screaming, was because of me. 1.2901 0.04261 162 122 33 7
885 My mother? She was a dairy queen. 1.2901 0.04771 162 128 21 13
886 Well, I've been having these headaches... 1.2899 0.04312 169 129 31 9
887 If enough people tell you you're cool-headed, you begin to believe it. 1.2899 0.04230 169 128 33 8
888 Same time next Sundae? 1.2899 0.05060 138 108 20 10
889 My attacks start with a tune that keeps repeating over and over and over and over, until finally, I get a brain freeze. 1.2897 0.04685 145 111 26 8
890 You know, sometimes I just wish my problems would melt away 1.2897 0.04786 145 112 24 9
891 Sorry I creamed on your couch. 1.2897 0.04476 145 109 30 6
892 My partner asked me last week if I came in any other flavors. 1.2897 0.04885 145 113 22 10
893 Why do you keep asking "what's eating you?" 1.2896 0.04440 183 144 25 14
894 and then we all screamed! 1.2895 0.04726 152 118 24 10
895 Can you help me? I’m about to have another meltdown. 1.2893 0.04492 159 122 28 9
896 I just can’t get past this nagging notion that I’m perceived as such a drip! 1.2893 0.04403 159 121 30 8
897 I can’t shake this head cold either. 1.2893 0.04403 159 121 30 8
898 I think your carpet is staring at me 1.2891 0.04979 128 98 23 7
899 Women treat me like the flavor of the month. 1.2887 0.04534 142 107 29 6
900 Just once I would like to be called "Mr. Tough Guy" 1.2886 0.04883 149 117 21 11
901 Some days I just don't feel that enthusiastic about sprinkles. 1.2886 0.04694 149 115 25 9
902 When I see her I just melt. Sigh. 1.2886 0.04395 149 112 31 6
903 Sometimes I just freeze up. 1.2886 0.04395 149 112 31 6
904 I can still remember him licking me 1.2885 0.04638 156 121 25 10
905 The wife and kids think I'm an old softie. 1.2885 0.04727 156 122 23 11
906 I gotta tell you, if you don't lower the temperature in here, we'll both be sorry! 1.2883 0.04499 163 126 27 10
907 Why do I always melt under pressure? 1.2882 0.04290 170 130 31 9
908 Everything just swirls in my head, doctor. 1.2882 0.04290 170 130 31 9
909 You have any idea what it's like to go into a pharmacy to pick up Viagra and tell them my name is Mr. Softee? Then I come over here for, I guess, advice from a guy who thought it was a good idea to buy an area rug that looks like a fried egg. 1.2878 0.05330 139 112 14 13
910 Why do I feel like a queen? 1.2878 0.04706 139 106 26 7
911 I’m trying to be more chill. 1.2878 0.04816 139 107 24 8
912 Brain freeze really is an occupational hazard 1.2877 0.04657 146 112 26 8
913 Usually, people come to me when they’re depressed. 1.2877 0.04856 146 114 22 10
914 Then, she said, "I need excitement! You're just too plain vanilla." 1.2876 0.04512 153 117 28 8
915 I’m having another meltdown. 1.2876 0.04512 153 117 28 8
916 So, how long have you had this “brain freeze” 1.2875 0.04468 160 123 28 9
917 My entire life has been vanilla 1.2875 0.04003 160 118 38 4
918 It’s like I have a perpetual brain freeze 1.2875 0.04195 160 120 34 6
919 Is it hot in here? 1.2869 0.05004 122 93 23 6
920 My wife said I have a twisted mind. " 1.2868 0.04772 136 104 25 7
921 The music-- it NEVER stops. 1.2867 0.04615 143 109 27 7
922 This music keeps playing in my head 1.2867 0.04762 150 117 23 10
923 I cannot remember a time when I didn't have this irrational fear of tongues. 1.2867 0.04855 150 118 21 11
924 Honestly, I thought that the doctor was going to do a hair transplant. I just told him that I wanted to look cool. 1.2867 0.04667 150 116 25 9
925 I just feel I'm predisposed to meltdowns. 1.2867 0.04762 150 117 23 10
926 I tried hobbies--tennis, but my serve was too soft. 1.2867 0.05036 150 120 17 13
927 Doc, in five minutes, your couch will be a mess. Let's skip the mommy issues and fast forward to my vanilla personality. 1.2867 0.04855 150 118 21 11
928 Soft Serve is a strength 1.2867 0.04471 150 114 29 7
929 It's like I've got permanent brain-freeze 1.2866 0.04612 157 122 25 10
930 I am tired of everyone assuming I am a softie. 1.2866 0.04612 157 122 25 10
931 And then she said our sex life was... vanilla! 1.2866 0.04871 157 125 19 13
932 It's not easy to be a softie... 1.2857 0.04452 140 105 30 5
933 I’m in a love-hate relationship with sunmer! 1.2857 0.04193 154 115 34 5
934 My wife has become lactose intolerant towards me and I'm barely allowed near the grandkids because of my refined sugars. How do I change and still be me? 1.2857 0.04345 133 98 32 3
935 I’m always taking a licking. 1.2857 0.04530 161 125 26 10
936 My parents were very cold. 1.2857 0.04530 161 125 26 10
937 My mother raised a softee. 1.2857 0.04317 147 110 32 5
938 Your problem isn’t your backhand. It’s your soft serve. 1.2857 0.04996 140 110 20 10
939 My thoughts are always swirling around and around. 1.2857 0.04528 147 112 28 7
940 There’s bravery in being soft. 1.2857 0.03986 154 113 38 3
941 ... and then my wife said it's not enough... she needs sprinkles. 1.2848 0.04614 165 130 23 12
942 Now she's saying sprinkles would make me look more interesting and edgy. 1.2848 0.04587 158 123 25 10
943 I don't know where to start... I've just got so many thoughts swirling in my head! 1.2848 0.04345 151 114 31 6
944 Everytime I have to face myself in the mirror, Ice cream 1.2848 0.04734 151 118 23 10
945 I feel like I'm going soft in the head. 1.2847 0.04794 144 112 23 9
946 You never get over a swirly. 1.2847 0.04993 144 114 19 11
947 People marvel at how I can keep a cool head in every situation 1.2847 0.04894 144 113 21 10
948 I can't even manage to be real ice cream 1.2846 0.04534 130 97 29 4
949 Thanks for closing the curtains. 1.2846 0.05032 130 101 21 8
950 In the summer, I’m Mr. Frosty. But who is Mr. Frosty in the fall? 1.2846 0.04912 130 100 23 7
951 I feel whipped. 1.2846 0.04692 123 92 27 4
952 All these thoughts keep swirling around my head 1.2846 0.04968 123 94 23 6
953 Sprinkles? Don't get me started. 1.2839 0.04735 155 122 22 11
954 I just can’t decide if I should move to Antarctica. 1.2839 0.04735 155 122 22 11
955 She told me she needed someone who was more artisanal. 1.2839 0.04645 155 121 24 10
956 I fell in love with a woman who is lactose intolerant. 1.2838 0.04701 148 115 24 9
957 You’re right, Doctor, I guess I’ve always been a softy. 1.2838 0.04602 148 114 26 8
958 I thought the first date was going so well until she told me she was lactose intolerant. 1.2838 0.04398 148 112 30 6
959 Define “lick” 1.2838 0.04701 148 115 24 9
960 And my cholesterol is through the roof 1.2838 0.04602 148 114 26 8
961 Everyone's saying that I've been acting super cold lately. 1.2838 0.04398 148 112 30 6
962 Transitioning to Dairy King has not been smooth. 1.2837 0.04756 141 109 24 8
963 Doc, I feel tired of being licked! 1.2837 0.04648 141 108 26 7
964 For the last time 'cooler heads will prevail' is not helpful advice. 1.2835 0.04987 127 98 22 7
965 I started dating Hot Fudge a year ago. But we only get together on Sundays. 1.2833 0.05447 120 95 16 9
966 Nobody takes me seriously when I say "That's MISTER Softee to you." 1.2832 0.04225 173 133 31 9
967 Maybe, this whole time, I'm the one who's been intolerant. 1.2830 0.04816 159 127 19 13
968 My wife says I’m frigid. 1.2830 0.04473 159 123 27 9
969 I admit it. I hate to loose a fight. But I sort of enjoy taking a licking. 1.2829 0.04517 152 117 27 8
970 Winters are very lonely for me. 1.2829 0.04113 152 113 35 4
971 Cup or cone….Why does it all feel so binary? 1.2829 0.04320 152 115 31 6
972 I'm just tired of being licked 1.2828 0.04765 145 113 23 9
973 People think I’m too cold when I only try to be sweet. 1.2828 0.04233 145 108 33 4
974 The weird thing is I keep hearing that same tune over and over in my head. 1.2828 0.04864 145 114 21 10
975 Even the blue pills don't help. 1.2824 0.04758 131 100 25 6
976 ....its only happened one time, but she wont stop calling me "Soft Serve". 1.2824 0.04758 131 100 25 6
977 I feel a meltdown coming on. 1.2822 0.04309 163 125 30 8
978 People always stick out their Tongue at me…how about a Hello? Thanks you! 1.2819 0.04956 149 119 18 12
979 Then she called me a snow cone! 1.2819 0.04475 149 114 28 7
980 Maybe it's just a head cold".. 1.2817 0.05132 142 114 16 12
981 I am always worried about getting dipped 1.2815 0.04778 135 104 24 7
982 The screaming, all the screaming. I just can't handle it anymore. 1.2815 0.04661 135 103 26 6
983 I'm a soft serve guy in a hard serve world. 1.2812 0.04870 160 129 17 14
984 So, you’re telling me that I’m not twisted? 1.2812 0.04080 160 120 35 5
985 Stop me before I go right to her thighs. 1.2812 0.05427 128 103 14 11
986 I just can't get climate change out of my head! 1.2810 0.04491 153 118 27 8
987 I’m afraid I’m frigid… 1.2810 0.04586 153 119 25 9
988 I don’t know, doc. I just feel licked! 1.2810 0.04770 153 121 21 11
989 I'm thinking of topping myself 1.2810 0.04586 153 119 25 9
990 I fear I may be having another meltdown 1.2810 0.04586 153 119 25 9
991 So you see doc, there’s this jingle in my head…. 1.2808 0.04427 146 111 29 6
992 Guess I'm just a big Softee... 1.2806 0.04570 139 106 27 6
993 Then I screamed, and they screamed, and well -- the rest is history. 1.2806 0.04793 139 108 23 8
994 Just once I wish someone would call me Mr. Hard Ass… 1.2806 0.04336 139 104 31 4
995 Doc, I feel like I am having a major meltdown. 1.2803 0.04726 132 101 25 6
996 The looks, I can handle. It’s all the screaming… 1.2803 0.04475 132 99 29 4
997 My ex wanted sprinkles. 1.2800 0.04741 150 118 22 10
998 Why do they all scream, scream at me? 1.2800 0.05029 125 97 21 7
999 On Fridays I can wear a cone. 1.2797 0.04483 143 109 28 6
1000 “My wife complains that I’m too vanilla.” 1.2797 0.04592 143 110 26 7
1001 I really am trying to be more assertive, doctor, but everyone says I am a hopeless softie. 1.2794 0.04631 136 104 26 6
1002 Everyone I know tells me I'm cold. 1.2792 0.04272 154 117 31 6
1003 The money and recognition are nice and all, but sometimes I just want to be plain old '"Larry" again. 1.2792 0.04560 154 120 25 9
1004 She loves to lick my head up here and not down where all the good stuff is…. and it weirdly turns me on, is that normal? 1.2792 0.04742 154 122 21 11
1005 Is global warming truly an existential threat, or am I'm just going soft in the head? 1.2791 0.04794 129 99 24 6
1006 But everyone said it would be easy to find my Dairy Queen! 1.2791 0.05041 129 101 20 8
1007 Then I wake up and the sprinkles are gone., 1.2791 0.04666 129 98 26 5
1008 Since I lost my sprinkles, life is just plain vanilla. 1.2789 0.04294 147 111 31 5
1009 So, Doc, everything I share is in the cone of silence, right? 1.2789 0.04401 147 112 29 6
1010 For me, sex has always been vanilla. 1.2789 0.04806 147 116 21 10
1011 I think it all started when I learned my real father was a 30-quart soft serve machine. 1.2789 0.04608 147 114 25 8
1012 In the dream, I am screaming, then you start screaming, then we all start screaming, but I can't remember why. 1.2787 0.05492 122 98 14 10
1013 I've always been a people pleaser. 1.2787 0.05109 122 95 20 7
1014 You don't really know the first thing about brain freeze, do you? 1.2786 0.04974 140 111 19 10
1015 You see Doctor, I keep having this recurring fantasy where I’m all covered in chocolate 1.2786 0.04762 140 109 23 8
1016 That rug is not helping! 1.2782 0.04932 133 104 21 8
1017 Everyone screams when they see me. 1.2782 0.04695 133 102 25 6
1018 Be quick, I'm afraid I'm going to have a melt down! 1.2781 0.04522 151 117 26 8
1019 Unfortunately, it’s not my first meltdown. 1.2778 0.05362 126 101 15 10
1020 I feel like people only want me as a summer fling or at their lowest point. 1.2778 0.05119 126 99 19 8
1021 And then the toppings - people just throw them on me. 1.2778 0.04654 162 129 21 12
1022 Help Doc, my wife and I have such a frosty relationship. 1.2778 0.03864 180 136 38 6
1023 My desire is to be liked by others, but autocorrect spelled it "licked." 1.2774 0.05047 137 109 18 10
1024 My anxiety is simple: I am melting. 1.2770 0.04580 148 115 25 8
1025 My tennis coach keeps telling me I have a soft serve. 1.2770 0.04777 148 117 21 10
1026 You've heard of the whole cold immersion thing, right? 1.2770 0.04680 148 116 23 9
1027 I tried keeping a cool head, but I keep having those awful meltdowns. 1.2770 0.04479 148 114 27 7
1028 So here's the twist. 1.2769 0.04762 130 100 24 6
1029 The transition to Dairy King has been difficult. 1.2768 0.04294 177 139 27 11
1030 I just feel so programmed and downright ordinary. Sometimes I dream of doing the outrageous, maybe even plunging my head into a vat of molten chocolate. 1.2767 0.04177 159 121 32 6
1031 They were all "screaming" for me but not in a good way. 1.2766 0.04624 141 109 25 7
1032 Eighteen years, and I just found out my wife prefers chocolate chip! 1.2764 0.05202 123 97 18 8
1033 People throw toppings at me. 1.2761 0.05124 134 107 17 10
1034 My fiance said I had cold feet, but I don't think that's the problem. 1.2761 0.05013 134 106 19 9
1035 It all started in Sundae School ... 1.2761 0.04665 134 103 25 6
1036 Sometimes I just feel like the flavor of the month. 1.2759 0.04429 145 111 28 6
1037 It was mentioned as a possible side effect but I didn’t think… 1.2759 0.04641 145 113 24 8
1038 Oh, Doc - I just can’t seem to control my meltdowns. 1.2756 0.04416 156 121 27 8
1039 I'm feeling terrified. Summer is coming. 1.2756 0.04508 156 122 25 9
1040 That jingle is driving me crazy. 1.2754 0.04573 138 106 26 6
1041 I just want someone to love me for me. 1.2754 0.04456 138 105 28 5
1042 Every time the conversation gets heated, I just melt. 1.2754 0.04573 138 106 26 6
1043 I'm taking a licking every day. 1.2754 0.04799 138 108 22 8
1044 I can’t get that damn tune out of my head! 1.2752 0.04349 149 114 29 6
1045 Doc- is there a cure for chronic brain freeze ? 1.2752 0.04244 149 113 31 5
1046 I screamed, she screamed, we all screamed! 1.2752 0.04843 149 119 19 11
1047 My editor said I'm too much of a softie to compete for scoops. 1.2752 0.04244 149 113 31 5
1048 I just wish they'd call me 'tough serve' for once. 1.2750 0.04874 120 92 23 5
1049 I guess I'm just a big ol' softie. 1.2748 0.04605 131 100 26 5
1050 ...and then she said it was because I was soft and servile. 1.2748 0.05089 131 104 18 9
1051 Sometimes I just feel like I'm melting into obscurity! 1.2748 0.04972 131 103 20 8
1052 It feels like my world is melting 1.2748 0.04853 131 102 22 7
1053 They say I’m vanilla like it’s a bad thing. 1.2748 0.04853 131 102 22 7
1054 Then they dipped me in chocolate, and I cracked! 1.2746 0.04703 142 111 23 8
1055 I sometimes feel objectified. 1.2746 0.04596 142 110 25 7
1056 I feel like my problems came from taking a licking all my life. 1.2746 0.04486 142 109 27 6
1057 I'm having thoughts of eating myself. 1.2746 0.04138 142 106 33 3
1058 I feel like my head is in a swirl. 1.2745 0.04373 153 118 28 7
1059 My wife's twisted. 1.2745 0.04373 153 118 28 7
1060 Doc, I know I’m getting soft in the head. 1.2742 0.04768 124 95 24 5
1061 I think you have a mild case of brain freeze. 1.2742 0.04629 124 94 26 4
1062 And then she called me a conehead. Like I've never heard that one before. 1.2741 0.05197 135 109 15 11
1063 I was always the first one in my family to receive a lickin' 1.2741 0.04635 135 104 25 6
1064 And then she ran away with the spoon. 1.2741 0.04867 135 106 21 8
1065 Just once, I'd like people to think of me as 'Mister Toughie' 1.2741 0.04514 135 103 27 5
1066 Mom always said I was a softee. 1.2741 0.04867 135 106 21 8
1067 My girl friend calls me “Mr. Softee” 1.2740 0.04294 146 111 30 5
1068 I wasn't meant for this swirl'd. 1.2740 0.04403 146 112 28 6
1069 It's just not true: we all don't scream. 1.2735 0.05239 117 92 18 7
1070 Then I told her she has a stick up her ass but I was being literal, doc. 1.2735 0.05645 117 95 12 10
1071 It seems like I'm just an old Softie. 1.2734 0.04876 139 110 20 9
1072 Truth is Doc, most days I can be both Ben AND Jerry. 1.2734 0.04982 139 111 18 10
1073 Doc, I don't think I can lick this one! 1.2733 0.04526 150 117 25 8
1074 I'm telling you, doctor, I can't listen to that jingle one more time! 1.2733 0.04225 161 124 30 7
1075 I feel like such a dip….. 1.2727 0.04348 154 119 28 7
1076 She's says I'm cold to her. 1.2727 0.04574 132 101 26 5
1077 And are these "children" in the room with us now? 1.2727 0.04939 132 104 20 8
1078 Children seem to like me, but I leave adults cold. 1.2727 0.04114 143 107 33 3
1079 Being called Mr. Softy has finally gone to my head 1.2727 0.04574 132 101 26 5
1080 My life is hard 1.2727 0.04347 143 109 29 5
1081 My father never loved me. He continually told me that I was soft in the head. 1.2727 0.04880 143 114 19 10
1082 Life is so short, Doctor. 1.2721 0.04377 147 113 28 6
1083 Everyone says I’m too soft. 1.2721 0.04722 136 106 23 7
1084 My wife ran off with a dip. 1.2721 0.04722 136 106 23 7
1085 So, you are saying that it's all in my head? 1.2721 0.04947 136 108 19 9
1086 I don’t know, Doc. It just seems wherever I go, people just want to bite my head off… 1.2720 0.04735 125 96 24 5
1087 The first time I saw her, I melted. 1.2720 0.04735 125 96 24 5
1088 I, just, I'm NOT SOFT! 1.2720 0.04735 125 96 24 5
1089 I didn't know she was lactose intolerant 1.2716 0.04110 162 124 32 6
1090 Why do people always scream at me? 1.2714 0.04401 140 107 28 5
1091 She says I'm too cold, but she used to like that 1.2714 0.04516 140 108 26 6
1092 Do you think l’m a softy? 1.2714 0.04516 140 108 26 6
1093 It's not that people don't like me. I'm just not sure they respect me. 1.2714 0.04401 140 107 28 5
1094 As a kid I wanted to be a Cone Head,but this is what happened. 1.2714 0.04035 140 104 34 2
1095 She left me for a Dilly Bar! 1.2713 0.04891 129 101 21 7
1096 I feel like a swirl trapped in a single-flavor body. 1.2713 0.04505 129 98 27 4
1097 I’m just a big Softee at heart. 1.2713 0.04637 129 99 25 5
1098 Sometimes I wonder if it’s my name that’s contributing to my lack of a sex life. 1.2712 0.05337 118 94 16 8
1099 And, well, apparently the genie had never seen SNL. 1.2708 0.04540 144 112 25 7
1100 Why does everyone prefer waffle cones? 1.2708 0.04431 144 111 27 6
1101 Doc,I got no problem keeping a cool head 1.2708 0.04431 144 111 27 6
1102 ‘Then they said I’ll have to work sundae.’ 1.2708 0.04540 144 112 25 7
1103 Being replaced by Pumpkin Spice always triggers my Seasonal Affective Disorder! 1.2707 0.04789 133 104 22 7
1104 What did I do? Why do people always want to bite my head off? 1.2703 0.04657 148 117 22 9
1105 I guess I was just a summer fling 1.2701 0.04915 137 109 19 9
1106 Since when did vanilla become a bad thing? 1.2698 0.04835 126 98 22 6
1107 From the very beginning, I knew I wasn’t like the other kids . . . 1.2698 0.04565 126 96 26 4
1108 I feel like people just like me for my flavor. 1.2695 0.05021 141 114 16 11
1109 This brain freeze is killing me! 1.2695 0.03883 141 104 36 1
1110 Do you know how hard it is to find a hat that fits? 1.2695 0.04708 141 111 22 8
1111 I just don’t understand why everybody thinks I’m so cold. 1.2692 0.05098 130 104 17 9
1112 My wife thinks I'm too vanilla. 1.2692 0.04339 130 98 29 3
1113 And that's when I walked in on my mother and the soft serve machine. 1.2692 0.04858 130 102 21 7
1114 I am having a bit of a meltdown. 1.2690 0.04820 145 116 19 10
1115 My father never licked me. 1.2689 0.05021 119 93 20 6
1116 You'd have a complex too if everyone said you were soft in the head! 1.2687 0.04987 134 107 18 9
1117 Sometimes I just need a Bad Humor day 1.2687 0.04757 134 105 22 7
1118 In my dream I was in front of class with no cone on. 1.2687 0.05207 134 109 14 11
1119 my life is one big headache 1.2687 0.04757 134 105 22 7
1120 I've got so much swirling around in my head. 1.2687 0.04637 134 104 24 6
1121 Worst of all, it's not even ice cream! 1.2687 0.04873 134 106 20 8
1122 I can’t get this one song out of my head. 1.2683 0.05042 123 97 19 7
1123 I feel like my life is on a rockey road Doc 1.2683 0.04482 123 93 27 3
1124 We can lick this problem 1.2681 0.04773 138 109 21 8
1125 Well doc, I can't seem to ever get hard... 1.2681 0.05299 138 114 11 13
1126 Can you possibly give me some pills to sprinkle on top? 1.2681 0.04883 138 110 19 9
1127 It always ends the same… you scream, I scream, we all scream 1.2681 0.04661 138 108 23 7
1128 There's this tune I can't get out of my head." 1.2680 0.04448 153 120 25 8
1129 I feel like my brain is melting. Can you help me lick this? 1.2680 0.04637 153 122 21 10
1130 My name is Beldar. I'm a Conehead. I'm from "France". 1.2679 0.05071 112 87 20 5
1131 I recently had a major meltdown and realized this can't go on 1.2677 0.04802 127 99 22 6
1132 All my thoughts are so twisted. 1.2677 0.04802 127 99 22 6
1133 I can't handle the hot fudge any longer. 1.2677 0.04670 127 98 24 5
1134 Doc, I need your help. My mind, it’s swirling. 1.2677 0.04802 127 99 22 6
1135 Yeah doc, I really think I can lick this thing 1.2677 0.04930 127 100 20 7
1136 They say cooler heads prevail... but I know when I'm licked. 1.2676 0.04571 142 111 24 7
1137 I tried to be a good boy but still my dad would give me a licking. 1.2676 0.04888 142 114 18 10
1138 I know this sounds vain, but I just think I'd have more confidence if I still had sprinkles. 1.2676 0.04571 142 111 24 7
1139 why do I feel intense guilt every time I get hard? 1.2676 0.04784 142 113 20 9
1140 Maybe I’ve overemphasized looking cool? 1.2675 0.04462 157 124 24 9
1141 It just seems like people always scream when the see me. 1.2672 0.05063 131 105 17 9
1142 I keep getting brain freeze. 1.2672 0.04575 131 101 25 5
1143 I asked for "frosted tips" and then everything got out of hand 1.2672 0.04702 131 102 23 6
1144 I identify as bi-polar. I'm only really comfortable at the North or South Pole. 1.2672 0.04825 131 103 21 7
1145 I know I’m spiraling again. 1.2672 0.04575 131 101 25 5
1146 I guess, deep down, I really just am Mister Softie 1.2672 0.05063 131 105 17 9
1147 Face it, I'm licked. 1.2667 0.05122 120 95 18 7
1148 It’s just the same thing playing in my head over and over and over. 1.2667 0.04486 135 104 26 5
1149 Is that a rug or influenza? 1.2667 0.04954 135 108 18 9
1150 I'm just an old softie, doc. 1.2667 0.04841 120 93 22 5
1151 Everyone thinks I'm a drip. 1.2667 0.04841 120 93 22 5
1152 I have this recurring nightmare in which I am being licked by Rudy Giuliani. 1.2667 0.04726 135 106 22 7
1153 I just can't seem to lick it. 1.2667 0.04984 120 94 20 6
1154 ...it always ends with me on the ground looking up at a crying child. 1.2667 0.05065 135 109 16 10
1155 Sadly doctor, Im afraid no woman will ever want a man that can only provide a soft serve. 1.2667 0.04841 120 93 22 5
1156 I am not cold enough, and then not soft enough, tell me Doc, how do I break through this outer shell? 1.2662 0.04401 139 107 27 5
1157 It's like she only wants me in the Summer. 1.2662 0.04518 139 108 25 6
1158 Everything was perfect between us until our romance began heating up and I started dripping on her sofa. 1.2662 0.04743 139 110 21 8
1159 I'm thinking of coming out as twist. 1.2662 0.04632 139 109 23 7
1160 People lovee me, but I'm really very cold-hearted 1.2661 0.04451 124 94 27 3
1161 ... and then he said, give me the scoop. 1.2661 0.05006 124 98 19 7
1162 Why does everyone think of me as such a softy? 1.2657 0.04433 143 111 26 6
1163 Everyone thinks I’m a softee. 1.2652 0.04283 132 100 29 3
1164 I'm really a sweet guy, but women keep telling me that I am cold. 1.2652 0.04793 132 104 21 7
1165 ' cold, she says I'm cold" 1.2652 0.04545 132 102 25 5
1166 Doc, I can't lick this on my own. 1.2652 0.04416 132 101 27 4
1167 I keep having this dream about a giant tongue... 1.2652 0.05028 132 106 17 9
1168 It's always: "I prefer a sugar cone." 1.2650 0.04915 117 91 21 5
1169 I wasn’t born a softee, Doc. I come from a long line of hand- scooped hard-working sugar- cone filling immigrants. 1.2650 0.04915 117 91 21 5
1170 My sweet cherry left me for an old fashioned. 1.2647 0.04810 136 108 20 8
1171 I’ve literally never been hard 1.2647 0.04810 136 108 20 8
1172 I'm afraid of the sunlight. 1.2645 0.04102 155 119 31 5
1173 So being called Mr Softee has not been great for my sex life 1.2645 0.05218 121 97 16 8
1174 Sometimes I just feel licked 1.2645 0.04947 121 95 20 6
1175 I can't leave the apartment when the temperature is over 72. 1.2645 0.04947 121 95 20 6
1176 Do you have any idea what it’s like being soft serve coming from a family of gelato? 1.2643 0.04373 140 108 27 5
1177 "Did you just say, 'Let your troubles melt away?' Really." 1.2643 0.04713 140 111 21 8
1178 The day we brought in Chip Wich and King Cone... I knew layoffs were coming. 1.2643 0.04602 140 110 23 7
1179 No show business career since I turned down the Dan Ackroyd role in 1992. 1.2642 0.04889 106 81 22 3
1180 Gotta a real head cold. 1.2640 0.04970 125 99 19 7
1181 It’s harder than it looks. 1.2640 0.04839 125 98 21 6
1182 "It was elective surgery and now I regret it." 1.2640 0.05345 125 102 13 10
1183 My internist says it's all in my head, but to me, this constant brain freeze is real. 1.2640 0.04839 125 98 21 6
1184 Doc, I know that you and I can lick this thing together. 1.2640 0.04839 125 98 21 6
1185 Constant brain freeze, Doc. 1.2640 0.04970 125 99 19 7
1186 What if I'm just too soft for that second scoop I've been dreaming of? 1.2639 0.04725 144 115 20 9
1187 I really feel like it is your turn to scream. 1.2639 0.03940 144 108 34 2
1188 Doc, even with Viagra, I can't get hard. 1.2639 0.04515 144 113 24 7
1189 Everything being put on me is just starting to feel like…nuts, you know? 1.2639 0.04621 144 114 22 8
1190 It's hard to lose the self-hatred when you're lactose intolerant... 1.2636 0.04736 129 101 22 6
1191 ...and that's when my wife deserted me. 1.2636 0.04736 129 101 22 6
1192 I feel that everybody sucks! 1.2636 0.05337 129 106 12 11
1193 Doc, I'm afraid my family won't accept me when they find out I've become a real softy and have decided to become a "Dairy Queen". 1.2635 0.04829 148 120 17 11
1194 This headache is always with me. 1.2632 0.04640 133 104 23 6
1195 It's these headaches... 1.2632 0.04147 152 117 30 5
1196 Then they ALL screamed for ice-cream. 1.2632 0.05107 133 108 15 10
1197 My mom always said my face would freeze this way, and it did. 1.2632 0.05145 114 90 18 6
1198 'I can't wear a hat." 1.2632 0.04834 114 88 22 4
1199 I think my feelings of inadequacy began when I realized I'm not everybody's flavor of the month. 1.2632 0.04761 133 105 21 7
1200 Listen I’m just REALLY freaked out about global warming lately. 1.2632 0.04255 133 101 29 3
1201 I know they’re all screaming FOR me, but it feels like they’re screaming AT me 1.2632 0.04994 133 107 17 9
1202 Just because I still have a soft spot on my head, doesn’t mean I’m immature! 1.2632 0.04255 133 101 29 3
1203 I want to ask her out, but I keep dripping all over myself. 1.2632 0.04994 133 107 17 9
1204 ...so then she says "I wanted a swirl, not vanilla!" 1.2628 0.04306 137 105 28 4
1205 When people call me 'Mr. Softee', I still turn around looking for my dad. 1.2628 0.04665 137 108 22 7
1206 I think I'm being sweet, so why does it feel like everyone wants to bite my head off? 1.2628 0.04665 137 108 22 7
1207 Why does everyone SCREAM for Ice Cream? Would it kill then to whisper just once? 1.2628 0.04428 137 106 26 5
1208 I can't figure out why people won't take me seriously. 1.2627 0.05571 118 97 11 10
1209 I, vanilla, was top of the licking order, now they want multi-colored cones. 1.2627 0.04878 118 92 21 5
1210 I’m sick of being seen as a big softee 1.2624 0.04683 141 112 21 8
1211 I’m not, I’m not a Mr. Softie. 1.2623 0.04771 122 95 22 5
1212 'it used to be about the music' 1.2623 0.04324 122 92 28 2
1213 I spent my whole childhood trying to be Gelato 1.2623 0.04627 122 94 24 4
1214 Everyone addresses me "Mister," but they don't really respect me. 1.2621 0.05847 103 84 11 8
1215 I would freeze in moments of anxiety and my wife told me it was all in my head. 1.2621 0.05155 103 80 19 4
1216 I wish I weren't such a softee. 1.2619 0.04805 126 99 21 6
1217 All everyone ever asks is "where's the ice cream?", but never "how is the ice cream?" I'm sorry... shall we go back to talking about my mother? 1.2619 0.04671 126 98 23 5
1218 I thought life would be a piece of cake and it isn’t. 1.2619 0.04671 126 98 23 5
1219 Before we begin, could we lower the thermostat? 1.2619 0.04671 126 98 23 5
1220 No, I don't need a tissue. But a paper towel would be welcome. 1.2619 0.04671 126 98 23 5
1221 My wife says I need to harden up. 1.2617 0.04664 107 81 24 2
1222 I came to you, Doc, because obviously lots of people have licked your head, too. 1.2615 0.04951 130 104 18 8
1223 I just can't handle all the screaming. 1.2615 0.04575 130 101 24 5
1224 If I could just get rid of the curl on top, I could fit in. 1.2615 0.04166 130 98 30 2
1225 I feel like such a drip when I’m out in crowds 1.2615 0.04575 130 101 24 5
1226 I guess it all started when my parents had a custardy battle over me 1.2613 0.05073 111 87 19 5
1227 And the children…the children throw sprinkles at me. 1.2613 0.05386 111 89 15 7
1228 My friends think I’m too much a plain-vanilla guy. 1.2612 0.04846 134 107 19 8
1229 I know when I’m licked, doc. 1.2612 0.04228 134 102 29 3
1230 My work has been nearly unbearable. 7 days a week, including sundaes. 1.2609 0.04635 138 109 22 7
1231 Worst brain freeze I’ve ever had, doc. I think it would help if you took a little off the top. 1.2609 0.05106 115 91 18 6
1232 I thought you said keep a DAIRY of my thoughts! 1.2609 0.05253 115 92 16 7
1233 I feel like I’m always on the verge of a meltdown. 1.2609 0.04519 138 108 24 6
1234 I do have a problem, but it doesn’t help to say you’re going to help me lick it. 1.2606 0.04863 142 115 17 10
1235 It was this or the hand churned. 1.2605 0.04693 119 92 23 4
1236 To be honest with you, I also like Chocolate best. 1.2605 0.04379 119 90 27 2
1237 I keep feeling like I'm being licked. 1.2603 0.04243 146 113 28 5
1238 How would you like it if your head came oozing out of a machine? 1.2602 0.04737 123 96 22 5
1239 My biggest fear is being trapped in a hot car. 1.2598 0.05269 127 104 13 10
1240 It’s just that I’ve always been told that cooler heads will prevail. 1.2598 0.04900 127 101 19 7
1241 But does anyone ever think about the Dairy **King**? 1.2598 0.04771 127 100 21 6
1242 Is miss the sun, isn't that ironic. 1.2598 0.04501 127 98 25 4
1243 Why does everyone love Sunday more? 1.2596 0.04926 104 80 21 3
1244 ...and that's when I realized I was lactose intolerant. 1.2596 0.05291 104 82 17 5
1245 It seems nobody wants a Dairy King. 1.2595 0.04796 131 104 20 7
1246 It's kind of like brain freeze, but different. 1.2595 0.04917 131 105 18 8
1247 The sun came out. It was hot. I was terrified. Then I woke up..that’s all I remember. 1.2595 0.04414 131 101 26 4
1248 I’ve always wanted to be a gelato. 1.2595 0.04414 131 101 26 4
1249 I invited her to meet my parents, but when we got to the drive-thru, they weren’t working. 1.2595 0.04796 131 104 20 7
1250 I could use your help in understanding my obsession with global warming. 1.2595 0.04796 131 104 20 7
1251 She always seems to have a headache. 1.2593 0.04814 135 108 19 8
1252 Gretchen will not join me in the freezer which is the only place I can function as the mate she dreams of. 1.2593 0.04928 135 109 17 9
1253 It's been all Peaches and Cream up until now, but I think it's going to be a Rocky Road ahead... 1.2593 0.04987 108 84 20 4
1254 Apparently, cooler heads don't always prevail after all. 1.2589 0.04702 112 86 23 3
1255 I scream all the time. What's wrong with me, doctor? 1.2589 0.04702 112 86 23 3
1256 I just look odd, even in my sundae best. 1.2589 0.05190 112 89 17 6
1257 And then she told me I would never be a gelato!” 1.2587 0.04517 143 113 23 7
1258 And then my wife got her inevitable headache. 1.2587 0.04293 143 111 27 5
1259 I'm lactose intolerant 1.2586 0.04916 116 91 20 5
1260 All I said was, “It’s DOCTOR Frosty, Moron.” 1.2585 0.04638 147 118 20 9
1261 I wanna be a tough guy but everyone insists I’m a softee. 1.2583 0.05358 120 98 13 9
1262 I had a refrigerator mother. 1.2583 0.04950 120 95 19 6
1263 It's really emasculating to be called soft all the time. 1.2583 0.05090 120 96 17 7
1264 But I identify as ice cream. 1.2581 0.05476 124 103 10 11
1265 My parents were cold 1.2581 0.04974 124 99 18 7
1266 Everyone calls me Mr. Robbins, but you may call me Baskin. 1.2581 0.04562 124 96 24 4
1267 I can't help but feel as if I'd be much happier as a cup. 1.2581 0.04704 124 97 22 5
1268 I don't know, it just seems like soft serve is a thing of the past. 1.2581 0.04374 155 123 24 8
1269 I just want to be hard 1.2581 0.04974 124 99 18 7
1270 I was only supposed to be Queen for a day... 1.2578 0.04606 128 100 23 5
1271 She caught me in a banana split. 1.2578 0.04866 128 102 19 7
1272 Why does everyone assume that I'm a total softy? 1.2578 0.04471 128 99 25 4
1273 My mind is in a constant swirl. 1.2576 0.04764 132 105 20 7
1274 I’m trying to be firmer with people, but my reputation is holding me back. 1.2576 0.04385 132 102 26 4
1275 I feel like I'm going to have a melt down 1.2576 0.04385 132 102 26 4
1276 Doctor, I keep having this terrible dream where I'm being dipped in chocolate. 1.2576 0.05001 132 107 16 9
1277 I think my humor is just fine but my friends tell me it's not really good 1.2576 0.04385 132 102 26 4
1278 The truth is, I’m nonbinary! 1.2576 0.04764 132 105 20 7
1279 Sure, they’ll call me ‘consistent’ or ‘dependable,’ but at the end of the day, no one wants to settle with vanilla… 1.2576 0.04515 132 103 24 5
1280 MAYBE I SHOULD CHILL 1.2574 0.05006 101 78 20 3
1281 She told me she doesn’t like it served soft. 1.2574 0.04782 136 109 19 8
1282 And just how can brain freeze be psychosomatic? 1.2574 0.04428 136 106 25 5
1283 I've been experiencing more brain freeze than ever, Doc. 1.2574 0.04174 136 104 29 3
1284 As far as our sex life goes, she’s vanilla too, but I’ve become too soft. 1.2574 0.04782 136 109 19 8
1285 How long have the screams been bothering you? 1.2574 0.04667 136 108 21 7
1286 I'm thinking of transitioning to a cone. 1.2571 0.05746 105 86 11 8
1287 My parents only praised me for keeping a cool head. 1.2569 0.04802 144 117 17 10
1288 So does it feel like you're swirling or spiraling out of control? 1.2569 0.04947 109 85 20 4
1289 Climate change is just killing me. 1.2569 0.04947 109 85 20 4
1290 And yes, I have already tried embracing pumpkin spice. And no, it hasn’t reduced my seasonal depression! 1.2569 0.05438 109 88 14 7
1291 It's even harder getting bullied when you already have a swirly. 1.2568 0.04406 148 117 24 7
1292 It's just lonely with Cherry gone, you know? 1.2566 0.04833 113 88 21 4
1293 She didn't care a lick about me. 1.2566 0.05149 113 90 17 6
1294 Everyone calls me Beldar. 1.2564 0.04726 117 91 22 4
1295 Keeping a cool head is not easy these days 1.2562 0.04625 121 94 23 4
1296 I’ve been having issues with my relationship. I melt whenever she looks at me. 1.2562 0.05052 121 97 17 7
1297 I worry the ice cream headache is all in my mind. 1.2560 0.04939 125 100 18 7
1298 I don’t know doc, the only way I can describe it is it’s like a constant Brain freeze 1.2560 0.04670 125 98 22 5
1299 I’m nothing without the sprinkles. 1.2558 0.04575 129 101 23 5
1300 Being chill 24/7 is hightly overrated, Doc. 1.2558 0.04705 129 102 21 6
1301 My doctor says I'm lactose intolerant, but I think it's all in my head. 1.2558 0.04705 129 102 21 6
1302 She always wants to go to the beach, and I keep telling her, 'Helen, it's the seagulls, for God's sake. 1.2558 0.04832 129 103 19 7
1303 I need some sprinkles in my life 1.2558 0.04832 129 103 19 7
1304 I want my partner to see me as more than just a tasty treat. 1.2556 0.04610 133 105 22 6
1305 She dumped me for being too vanilla. 1.2556 0.04356 133 103 26 4
1306 Maybe it’s me, and not the machine, that’s broken 1.2556 0.04732 133 106 20 7
1307 Which one of your 31 personalities are you today? 1.2555 0.04751 137 110 19 8
1308 I just feel like I’m in for a licking all the time. 1.2553 0.04199 141 109 28 4
1309 I just can't take the heat 1.2550 0.04380 149 118 24 7
1310 …and then there’s the headaches! 1.2550 0.04583 149 120 20 9
1311 It's over, Doc. I know when I'm licked. 1.2547 0.05537 106 86 13 7
1312 I want to tell her I love her, but every time I see her I just melt. 1.2544 0.04955 114 90 19 5
1313 Only then did Dr. Robbins realize he'd not eaten lunch. 1.2544 0.05546 114 94 11 9
1314 Sometimes, my sense of self feels so twisted. 1.2544 0.05109 114 91 17 6
1315 I have this sharp pain, like my brain is frozen, but every doctor I've seen insists it's all in my head. 1.2544 0.04795 114 89 21 4
1316 . “I have lost my joy in dairy” 1.2544 0.04955 114 90 19 5
1317 Head colds are common. 1.2542 0.04990 118 94 18 6
1318 I have all these thoughts swirling in my head 1.2542 0.04842 118 93 20 5
1319 I feel like I’m on the verge of a major meltdown. 1.2542 0.05133 118 95 16 7
1320 It started out as a wish to be recognized and desired 1.2540 0.05156 126 103 14 9
1321 … and then my heart melted. 1.2540 0.04355 126 97 26 3
1322 Honestly... I've tried so hard. 1.2540 0.04904 126 101 18 7
1323 I try to put on a tough shell, but the truth is, underneath it all, I'm really just a softie. 1.2540 0.04904 126 101 18 7
1324 It started out as brain freeze. 1.2540 0.04772 126 100 20 6
1325 Everyone thinks I am too soft. 1.2540 0.04638 126 99 22 5
1326 I think I scream too much. 1.2540 0.04772 126 100 20 6
1327 I have this feeling that everyone I meet wants to lick me. 1.2540 0.04772 126 100 20 6
1328 Something's missing from my life. You think sprinkles might help? 1.2538 0.04544 130 102 23 5
1329 I don't know, Doc, I guess I'm too soft. I meltdown whenever I'm confronted. 1.2538 0.04544 130 102 23 5
1330 I always wanted to be Doctor Softee. 1.2537 0.04579 134 106 22 6
1331 I still can't get over being rejected for a part in the Coneheads on SNL. 1.2536 0.04607 138 110 21 7
1332 But, doctor, it's the worst head cold I've ever had! 1.2533 0.04456 150 120 22 8
1333 There’s just so much intolerance in this world.” #newyorker #newyorkercartoon 1.2525 0.05624 99 80 13 6
1334 I please everyone else but myself. 1.2524 0.05110 103 81 18 4
1335 Why am I such a softee? 1.2523 0.05034 111 88 18 5
1336 Doc, I guess I just feel licked. 1.2522 0.04251 115 87 27 1
1337 All my doubts of being too ‘vanilla’ swirl around my head all the time. 1.2521 0.04656 119 93 22 4
1338 So… What’s the scoop? 1.2520 0.04410 123 95 25 3
1339 I can't stop worrying about global warming. 1.2520 0.04842 123 98 19 6
1340 But, cooler heads prevailed... 1.2520 0.04842 123 98 19 6
1341 No matter what I do, I'm always licked! 1.2520 0.05110 123 100 15 8
1342 I think I’m not cut out to be a reporter. I never get the scoop. 1.2520 0.04703 123 97 21 5
1343 I just want them to see that I'm more than just a softy 1.2520 0.04467 127 99 24 4
1344 I just get constant brain freeze whenever I try to tell her how I feel. 1.2520 0.04605 127 100 22 5
1345 Everyone thinks brain freeze is a joke." 1.2520 0.04869 127 102 18 7
1346 You know that saying, “You are what you eat”? I’ 1.2520 0.04996 127 103 16 8
1347 ...but I always identified as chocolate dipped. 1.2519 0.04641 131 104 21 6
1348 Every day I start feeling on top of the world, but within hours, I'm licked. 1.2519 0.04513 131 103 23 5
1349 It's sounds twisted doesn't it! 1.2519 0.04426 135 106 24 5
1350 And then she tells me she wants someone less vanilla in bed. 1.2519 0.04299 135 105 26 4
1351 My friends can be really hard. 1.2519 0.04169 135 104 28 3
1352 I just can't break into Big Time Tennis with my soft-serve background! 1.2517 0.04490 143 114 22 7
1353 Mr. Coffee is hot and I am not. 1.2500 0.04660 112 87 22 3
1354 People just like me because I'm a softy. 1.2500 0.04437 128 100 24 4
1355 She dumped me for gelato. 1.2500 0.04669 124 98 21 5
1356 I feel like I've been licked. 1.2500 0.04561 116 90 23 3
1357 I'm always afraid someone will bite my head off. 1.2500 0.04972 132 108 15 9
1358 Keep a cool head, they said. And now everyone wants a bite. 1.2500 0.04483 132 104 23 5
1359 Doc, I just need to find a way to lick all these problems 1.2500 0.04835 128 103 18 7
1360 It’s like a total brain freeze, all the time. 1.2500 0.04573 128 101 22 5
1361 There's this jingle I can't get out of my head. 1.2500 0.05152 112 90 16 6
1362 I am just so tired of being licked... 1.2500 0.04835 128 103 18 7
1363 I am more concerned about a brain melt. 1.2500 0.04669 124 98 21 5
1364 She.. She.. She was soft serve doc. Perfect in every way... 1.2500 0.04217 132 102 27 3
1365 How come they don't have a Dairy King 1.2500 0.04754 136 110 18 8
1366 Why must I always be Mr. Softee? 1.2500 0.04915 120 96 18 6
1367 I think I’m iconic. 1.2500 0.05444 108 88 13 7
1368 My father was very cold, too. 1.2500 0.04308 120 92 26 2
1369 Even my kids call me a cone head 1.2500 0.04807 124 99 19 6
1370 A lot of people think I’m soft in the head, but my DQ is 140. 1.2500 0.04669 124 98 21 5
1371 Women only want me for one thing. 1.2500 0.04879 116 92 19 5
1372 Would it be OK if I close the drapes completely? 1.2500 0.05592 104 85 12 7
1373 Everyone says I'm too vanilla. 1.2500 0.04669 124 98 21 5
1374 Everyone says I am just a softie 1.2500 0.04573 128 101 22 5
1375 It all started with brain freeze. 1.2500 0.04879 116 92 19 5
1376 Seasonal what? 1.2500 0.05030 116 93 17 6
1377 I sometimes wonder who would notice if I just melted away completely. 1.2500 0.04437 128 100 24 4
1378 YES, IT SEENMS TO BE WORKING. I FEEL MUCH MORE COOL-HEADED. 1.2500 0.04638 136 109 20 7
1379 Brain freeze is really debilitating 1.2500 0.05752 100 82 11 7
1380 Doc, I can’t go on…I’m licked! 1.2500 0.04437 128 100 24 4
1381 Why scream? 1.2500 0.04296 128 99 26 3
1382 My thoughts are just all swirled, doc. 1.2500 0.04069 124 94 29 1
1383 It was a beautiful first date… then I leaned into kiss her and she… she licked me. 1.2500 0.05030 116 93 17 6
1384 I have a rocky road past, doc. 1.2500 0.04195 140 109 27 4
1385 Everybody tells me I’m so vanilla. 1.2500 0.04660 112 87 22 3
1386 They always ask if the ice cream machine's broken, but never the ice cream. 1.2485 0.04262 169 137 22 10
1387 I used to be a queen before I transitioned, Dairy King just doesn’t sound right. 1.2481 0.04821 133 108 17 8
1388 My thoughts keep on swirling around in my mind. And then they melt away 1.2481 0.04673 129 103 20 6
1389 Everyone is always saying how cold I am, like on the inside 1.2481 0.04542 129 102 22 5
1390 I just can't get that jingle out of my head. 1.2480 0.04773 125 100 19 6
1391 You can’t imagine what it’s like to have permanent brain freeze. 1.2480 0.05036 125 102 15 8
1392 She wants to spoon me, but I'm just not ready. 1.2480 0.04906 125 101 17 7
1393 The kids in school would pick on me, call me names like Mister Softee. 1.2480 0.04495 125 98 23 4
1394 My wife keeps calling me a softy 1.2480 0.04773 125 100 19 6
1395 Every partner I've had has told me I'm a very sweet guy, but I've never been able to have a long-lasting relationship 1.2480 0.04773 125 100 19 6
1396 I don’t know…my heads just in a whirl 1.2480 0.04349 125 97 25 3
1397 My father was a banana. He split when I was five. 1.2479 0.05018 121 98 16 7
1398 Every time I try to unpack my emotions it's like I get brain freeze 1.2479 0.04588 121 95 22 4
1399 Do you have any family members that suffer from brain freeze? 1.2479 0.05018 121 98 16 7
1400 Vanilla, Yes, but I too can be adventurous 1.2479 0.04736 121 96 20 5
1401 People say I have no taste. 1.2479 0.04527 117 91 23 3
1402 Maybe just because it’s chic, I’ve always felt inferior to gelato 1.2479 0.04361 117 90 25 2
1403 My parents always told me to keep a cool head... 1.2478 0.04624 113 88 22 3
1404 But, Doc, I really want to be Dairy King! 1.2478 0.04954 113 90 18 5
1405 I’m always getting teased about being soft in the head ! 1.2478 0.05111 113 91 16 6
1406 I don't know what to do. Every time we start kissing she stops and tells me she has a headache. 1.2478 0.04792 113 89 20 4
1407 I finally meet a girl name Cohen, and of course she’s lactose intolerant 1.2477 0.04728 109 85 21 3
1408 Sunshine, has just the opposite effect On me and actually depresses me.' 1.2477 0.05554 109 90 11 8
1409 I’m trying to avoid another meltdown. 1.2476 0.04838 105 82 20 3
1410 They say, 'That's the way the cookie crumbles,' but I guess I never thought that applied to me. 1.2476 0.05376 105 85 14 6
1411 Ironically,it last for hours. 1.2476 0.05203 105 84 16 5
1412 Some say I’m just a big softie 1.2475 0.05152 101 80 17 4
1413 Mr. Softee was my father. I'm just Darryl. 1.2474 0.05290 97 77 16 4
1414 I was never tough, but at work they whisper behind my back: there goes Mr. Softee. 1.2463 0.04549 134 107 21 6
1415 I tried being sweet. It didn’t work. 1.2463 0.04424 134 106 23 5
1416 I'm Not a cone-head. 1.2462 0.04238 130 101 26 3
1417 It’s these damn headaches. 1.2462 0.04095 130 100 28 2
1418 I just need to be held tightly. 1.2462 0.04377 130 102 24 4
1419 My problem is headaches, doc. Constant headaches. 1.2462 0.04641 130 104 20 6
1420 She said I couldn't commit, but frankly I'm just really scared. She's so hot! 1.2460 0.04603 126 100 21 5
1421 Don't tell me to chill out. 1.2460 0.04319 126 98 25 3
1422 I will melt 1.2459 0.04403 122 95 24 3
1423 Do you realize it was the hottest summer ever? 1.2458 0.04652 118 93 21 4
1424 I have always been the softie in my relationships 1.2458 0.04805 118 94 19 5
1425 I've always wanted to be chocolate 1.2458 0.04493 118 92 23 3
1426 Everyone thinks I'm a soft touch. 1.2458 0.04953 118 95 17 6
1427 I have no problem if I am criticized, but if somebody compliments me, I just melt. 1.2458 0.04805 118 94 19 5
1428 I mean it could be paranoia…..or maybe just brain freeze? 1.2458 0.04805 118 94 19 5
1429 My wife tells me ice cream in my sleep. 1.2458 0.04805 118 94 19 5
1430 I'm from France. 1.2458 0.04953 118 95 17 6
1431 If only I had sprinkles . . . 1.2456 0.04237 114 87 26 1
1432 It was so embarrassing, Doc, I just melted in front of everyone at the sight of her. 1.2456 0.04237 114 87 26 1
1433 …then she said that she was lactose intolerant. 1.2456 0.05071 114 92 16 6
1434 I have these thoughts that keep swirling around in my head. 1.2456 0.04915 114 91 18 5
1435 Then she told me didn't care a lick about me. 1.2456 0.04755 114 90 20 4
1436 It's not easy being Kreme. 1.2456 0.04416 114 88 24 2
1437 I feel like I'm being eaten alive. 1.2455 0.04865 110 87 19 4
1438 I can't seem to lick this thing. Is it all in my head? 1.2453 0.05657 106 88 10 8
1439 « Yes, I’ve tried Viagra. » 1.2453 0.05330 106 86 14 6
1440 I don't think of myself as Vanilla. 1.2453 0.04982 106 84 18 4
1441 No one wants Vanilla. 1.2453 0.04982 106 84 18 4
1442 I thought I had it licked. 1.2453 0.04798 106 83 20 3
1443 I know I'm a softy... but does that mean I have to take a lickin' from everyone? 1.2453 0.04798 106 83 20 3
1444 Depression, no way. I know for a fact that it is brain freeze. 1.2452 0.03920 155 121 30 4
1445 ...and then I found myself just screaming. I scream and scream for no reason at all. 1.2451 0.04914 102 80 19 3
1446 Every time I close my eyes, I hear their screams. 1.2451 0.05649 102 84 11 7
1447 Climate change is beginning to take a toll on me. 1.2451 0.05107 102 81 17 4
1448 People say "Brain-Freeze" like it's a bad thing! 1.2451 0.04712 102 79 21 2
1449 She keeps trying to 'spoon' with me.... it's like she doesn't get me at all. 1.2451 0.05649 102 84 11 7
1450 I have this feeling that I'm going soft in the head 1.2449 0.05242 98 78 16 4
1451 I’m so tired of the “soft serve” jokes! 1.2448 0.04351 143 114 23 6
1452 Do you have anything for chronic brain freeze? 1.2448 0.04571 143 116 19 8
1453 Manic depressive, ok. But now lactose intolerance?! 1.2447 0.05171 94 74 17 3
1454 Doctor, my life is melting away 1.2446 0.04432 139 111 22 6
1455 My head won't stop swirling. 1.2444 0.04639 135 109 19 7
1456 I'm not ice cream, I'm soft-serve. I can't be all things to all people. 1.2443 0.04480 131 104 22 5
1457 Did you just lick me? 1.2441 0.04837 127 103 17 7
1458 I’m trying to keep a cool head. 1.2441 0.04706 127 102 19 6
1459 I have this recurring dream that I'm not really fat-free. 1.2441 0.04432 127 100 23 4
1460 You might be at risk of a melt down 1.2441 0.04964 127 104 15 8
1461 I can’t get that music out of my head! 1.2441 0.04837 127 103 17 7
1462 I feel like I'm just a French Vanilla guy in a Rocky Road world. 1.2441 0.04140 127 98 27 2
1463 The SNL skits ruined my life. 1.2441 0.04432 127 100 23 4
1464 I just cannot take being called soft anymore ! 1.2441 0.04837 127 103 17 7
1465 No one on Grindr swipes right when your name is Mister Softee. 1.2439 0.05077 123 101 14 8
1466 ...and that's when she accused me of giving her the cold shoulder. 1.2439 0.04944 123 100 16 7
1467 I… I think I’m spiraling, Doc. 1.2439 0.04808 123 99 18 6
1468 It's hard to accept that your mother is broken. 1.2437 0.04916 119 96 17 6
1469 Doctor, I use to look like you” 1.2437 0.04617 119 94 21 4
1470 Tell me when the headaches first started. 1.2437 0.04617 119 94 21 4
1471 In high school other kids called me “cone head” and then in college my girlfriend left me because I was “too vanilla” for her 1.2437 0.05059 119 97 15 7
1472 I really dread Summer 1.2435 0.05031 115 93 16 6
1473 I had a meltdown in my boss’s office today. I was such a mess. 1.2435 0.04718 115 91 20 4
1474 And people think it’s a toupee! 1.2435 0.04553 115 90 22 3
1475 Sometimes I dress as Mrs. Frosty. 1.2435 0.04877 115 92 18 5
1476 The thing is, I'm NOT always ready to serve. . . 1.2435 0.04718 115 91 20 4
1477 I might just as well not exist from the neck down. 1.2432 0.04992 111 89 17 5
1478 I'm having a quarter life crisis. Do I go with "jimmies" or do I go with "sprinkles"? 1.2432 0.04473 111 86 23 2
1479 My last meltdown was a complete mess. 1.2432 0.05154 111 90 15 6
1480 My parents would have preferred I become Doctor Softee. 1.2432 0.04992 111 89 17 5
1481 I am tired of these meltdowns !! 1.2430 0.04940 107 85 18 4
1482 I want the world to accept all my shape and sizes 1.2427 0.04672 103 80 21 2
1483 Take me back to when you were first called soft. 1.2427 0.04871 103 81 19 3
1484 My cousin's the poop emoji 1.2427 0.05766 103 86 9 8
1485 In the dream, everyone is just screaming and staring at me. 1.2424 0.05195 99 79 16 4
1486 Since taking this job I've lost all my good humor. 1.2424 0.05759 99 82 10 7
1487 You say King Kone, but I identify as Dairy Queen. 1.2424 0.04318 132 104 24 4
1488 No, that's a different conehead family 1.2422 0.04929 128 105 15 8
1489 Is it true? Am I really too vanilla? 1.2422 0.04673 128 103 19 6
1490 …and then they gave me a swirly… 1.2422 0.04259 128 100 25 3
1491 It’s just this constant pressure to always feel refreshing. 1.2422 0.04539 128 102 21 5
1492 As you can imagine, being known as Mr. Softie hasn't done wonders for my self-esteem. 1.2422 0.04802 128 104 17 7
1493 I just can't lick this feeling. 1.2422 0.04401 128 101 23 4
1494 It all started when I was just a Dixie Cup... 1.2419 0.04633 124 99 20 5
1495 Hearing the same song on repeat is giving me brain freeze. 1.2419 0.04490 124 98 22 4
1496 I really think I'm on a sugar high. 1.2419 0.04908 124 101 16 7
1497 And then I found out I was frozen yogurt. 1.2419 0.04490 124 98 22 4
1498 I get that my mother is the Dairy Queen but I just want to be accepted for my own achievements. 1.2419 0.04773 124 100 18 6
1499 My wife, Lickity, split. 1.2417 0.04583 120 95 21 4
1500 I'm starting to have anxiety attacks over climate change. 1.2417 0.04583 120 95 21 4
1501 All I ever hear is ‘vanilla privilege.’ 1.2417 0.05020 120 98 15 7
1502 It all started with an SNL skit, years ago... 1.2417 0.04583 120 95 21 4
1503 The lickings. The meltdowns. Can't get them out of my head. 1.2417 0.04733 120 96 19 5
1504 No, I think this is more than just an ice cream headache. 1.2417 0.04583 120 95 21 4
1505 Then she said I was ‘soft in the head’! What do you suppose she meant by that? 1.2417 0.04583 120 95 21 4
1506 'Hmmmm.... I scream.' 1.2416 0.04113 149 118 26 5
1507 So what you’re saying doc is that brain freeze is all in my head? 1.2416 0.04001 149 117 28 4
1508 All the girls I meet just seem interested in my brain. 1.2414 0.04992 116 94 16 6
1509 I just want to talk about my feelings without being called soft. 1.2414 0.04839 116 93 18 5
1510 They SAY they like me as is. But in the end, they always want the sprinkles. 1.2414 0.05140 116 95 14 7
1511 I fear I could be headed for a melt down 1.2414 0.04992 116 94 16 6
1512 I’m so sick of being called soft 1.2414 0.04839 116 93 18 5
1513 She called me a softie. 1.2411 0.04014 141 110 28 3
1514 Waffle cones have ruined my life" 1.2411 0.04952 112 90 17 5
1515 Thanks for keeping the AC cranked. 1.2411 0.04616 112 88 21 3
1516 You told me to chill out. And now this. 1.2411 0.04952 112 90 17 5
1517 But inside I've always felt like a twist. 1.2407 0.04900 108 86 18 4
1518 Dr. Nerfswaddle tried to concentrate on the session, but he couldn't bannish the DQ from his thoughts. 1.2407 0.04337 108 83 24 1
1519 I came to you looking for someone who could lick my chronic brain freeze. 1.2406 0.04289 133 105 24 4
1520 Give me a minute, brain-freeze. 1.2406 0.04547 133 107 20 6
1521 I feel like I scream 1.2404 0.05202 104 84 15 5
1522 In 3rd grade, they poured syrup on me. 1.2403 0.04640 129 104 19 6
1523 I feel as though I am perpetually on the verge of a meltdown. 1.2403 0.04371 129 102 23 4
1524 I'm just licked. 1.2400 0.05003 125 103 14 8
1525 Kids run way when they see me now. 1.2400 0.04948 100 79 18 3
1526 I’m not sad. I’m hot. 1.2400 0.04311 125 98 24 3
1527 Trauma? Has anyone dipped YOU in chocolate successfully? 1.2400 0.04458 125 99 22 4
1528 The irony is I'm lactose intolerant. 1.2400 0.05707 100 83 10 7
1529 They all think I'm twisted... 1.2400 0.04600 125 100 20 5
1530 Yes, but my childhood was hard. 1.2400 0.05148 100 80 16 4
1531 She said our sex life was too... you know 1.2400 0.04738 125 101 18 6
1532 Can't shake the idea that we are what we eat, doc 1.2400 0.04311 125 98 24 3
1533 I know this is supposed to be a safe space,but every time I lay down I just freeze up. 1.2397 0.04070 121 93 27 1
1534 I just have a soft spot for others. 1.2397 0.04395 121 95 23 3
1535 I guess I'm just an old Softee. 1.2397 0.04698 121 97 19 5
1536 I have this phobia when the temperature goes above 32. 1.2397 0.04549 121 96 21 4
1537 Isn't it obvious? My father was cold and my mom was a softie. 1.2397 0.04549 121 96 21 4
1538 That's right ladies, it actually DOES taste like cream 1.2397 0.04698 121 97 19 5
1539 I don’t know doc, I just feel that I will always be a single 1.2396 0.05490 96 78 13 5
1540 I'm licked! 1.2393 0.04646 117 93 20 4
1541 I keep having that recurring dream where I’m melting. 1.2393 0.04485 117 92 22 3
1542 The brain freeze never stops 1.2393 0.04646 117 93 20 4
1543 I just wanted to taste it. 1.2393 0.04485 117 92 22 3
1544 I suspect my fantasies will sound a bit vanilla. 1.2393 0.04953 117 95 16 6
1545 I just feel like I'm licked. 1.2393 0.04317 117 91 24 2
1546 So I’m left-twirled and not right-twirled … why is that so bad? 1.2393 0.04802 117 94 18 5
1547 I can’t help thinking there must be more to life than searching for the perfect topping” 1.2391 0.04977 92 72 18 2
1548 I have trouble warming up to people. 1.2391 0.04731 92 71 20 1
1549 I'm tired of keeping a cool head. I just want to have a meltdown, you know? 1.2389 0.05374 113 94 11 8
1550 Doc, I think I’m about to have a meltdown. 1.2389 0.04913 113 91 17 5
1551 Sure, I hate summer, but kids are the worst. 1.2389 0.04580 113 89 21 3
1552 I feel that my biggest anxieties stem from the social stigma I get for being a lobbyist for a fracking company. 1.2389 0.04913 113 91 17 5
1553 I mean, who calls their kid Mr Soft Whip? Who does that? 1.2389 0.05071 113 92 15 6
1554 I do feel like we’re making progress. It’s just that in real life, my brain freezes, and I can’t respond. 1.2389 0.04749 113 90 19 4
1555 Sometimes I just wanna scream. 1.2388 0.04517 134 108 20 6
1556 I don’t know why I keep getting these brain freeze things. 1.2388 0.04639 134 109 18 7
1557 You try being Mister Softee in this hard, hard world 1.2388 0.04639 134 109 18 7
1558 I feel lactose intolerant. 1.2385 0.04496 109 85 22 2
1559 I'm so tired of being just plain vanilla. 1.2385 0.05031 109 88 16 5
1560 Besides the chills, I feel like I'm going soft in the head. 1.2385 0.05031 109 88 16 5
1561 I can't shake this cold and lonely feeling. 1.2385 0.04859 109 87 18 4
1562 When the coneheads became famous I thought I'd finally be accepted. 1.2385 0.04859 109 87 18 4
1563 The thing is, I really am from France. 1.2385 0.05197 109 89 14 6
1564 I fear I'm on the verge of a major melt-down 1.2385 0.04341 130 103 23 4
1565 I feel anxious around kids! 1.2381 0.05158 105 85 15 5
1566 Girls don’t think I’m good for them. 1.2381 0.04977 105 84 17 4
1567 It's just that deep down I'm a hardass. 1.2381 0.04390 105 81 23 1
1568 I wear a few rainbow sprinkles and everyone thinks I’m gay… 1.2381 0.04704 126 102 18 6
1569 ... but I identify as an acorn 1.2381 0.04977 105 84 17 4
1570 I wanted to be a single scoop but my parents insisted I be a swirl! 1.2377 0.04664 122 98 19 5
1571 She left me for a Buster Bar. 1.2376 0.04905 101 80 18 3
1572 It all started with the to go cup. 1.2376 0.04483 101 78 22 1
1573 I’m still waiting to get scooped up by that special someone. 1.2376 0.04699 101 79 20 2
1574 After my parents split, I went a little soft in the head. 1.2373 0.04766 118 95 18 5
1575 I know my parents won’t approve, but, she’s a dish! 1.2373 0.04611 118 94 20 4
1576 It's the same dream over and over again . . . they're all screaming for ice cream. 1.2373 0.04611 118 94 20 4
1577 No doctor, not even one lick. 1.2373 0.04113 118 91 26 1
1578 I feel like I’m heading for a meltdown. 1.2373 0.04915 118 96 16 6
1579 She left me for a gelato. 1.2373 0.04766 118 95 18 5
1580 So you can see why I asked for a doctor who is lactose intolerant. 1.2373 0.04611 118 94 20 4
1581 My girlfriend just broke up with me... But I guess it serves me right. 1.2371 0.05029 97 77 17 3
1582 I scream, they scream, then we all scream. 1.2371 0.05439 97 79 13 5
1583 I’m not soft. I’m temperature dependent. 1.2371 0.04810 97 76 19 2
1584 The bullies keep licking me. 1.2370 0.04362 135 108 22 5
1585 My last shrink told me, "Sometimes an ice cream cone is only an ice cream cone." 1.2368 0.04545 114 90 21 3
1586 All I can think about is rainbow sprinkles. 1.2368 0.05331 114 95 11 8
1587 Do you have something for brain freeze? 1.2368 0.04147 152 122 24 6
1588 Everytime the temperature rises, I have a meltdown 1.2368 0.04370 114 89 23 2
1589 I met this woman who's so hot . . . 1.2366 0.05162 93 74 16 3
1590 Ben and Jerry rejected me. 1.2366 0.04930 93 73 18 2
1591 Sure I trust you, doc, but I've been told all my life that there's just no cure for a head cold. 1.2364 0.04820 110 88 18 4
1592 I had that dream again, where I see my head melting on the sidewalk. 1.2364 0.04820 110 88 18 4
1593 My wife still thinks I’m a dip. 1.2364 0.04269 110 85 24 1
1594 They promised me the "curl on top" would attract women. 1.2364 0.04644 110 87 20 3
1595 Brain freezes are no fun, Doc, I'v gotta tell ya! 1.2364 0.04990 110 89 16 5
1596 So Doc, What’s the scoop? 1.2364 0.04820 110 88 18 4
1597 Sometimes I just feel so....cold. 1.2364 0.04460 110 86 22 2
1598 I was only trying to give him a cold shoulder. 1.2364 0.04644 110 87 20 3
1599 ... And to top it off, everyone just assumes I'm bad at tennis ... 1.2364 0.04644 110 87 20 3
1600 ... and was when I worked for Ben & Jerrys 1.2362 0.04803 127 104 16 7
1601 Global warming news is all about icebergs and turtles. What about me?! 1.2362 0.04671 127 103 18 6
1602 I scream all day! Not sure what's wrong with me? 1.2358 0.04749 106 84 19 3
1603 But when I cry, it *is* spilt milk. 1.2358 0.04935 106 85 17 4
1604 I never get a second date. I think it's my plain vanilla personality. 1.2358 0.04749 106 84 19 3
1605 And then she said she wanted to lick me. 1.2358 0.05114 106 86 15 5
1606 It's hard, you know, when so many people are lactose intolerant. 1.2358 0.05114 106 86 15 5
1607 Sometimes I think I might just melt away. 1.2358 0.05114 106 86 15 5
1608 I think I’m suffering from seasonal depression. 1.2358 0.05286 106 87 13 6
1609 I had cold feet about coming here but it was all in my head. 1.2358 0.05114 106 86 15 5
1610 No matter what everyone tells me, my problems just don’t melt away 1.2358 0.04935 106 85 17 4
1611 When my head starts melting I get brain freeze. 1.2358 0.04332 123 97 23 3
1612 What do you mean, I’m sublimating? 1.2358 0.04909 123 101 15 7
1613 She keeps ordering waffles and it makes me feel plain 1.2358 0.04332 123 97 23 3
1614 I just feel like I’m always on the verge of a meltdown. 1.2353 0.05058 102 82 16 4
1615 I’d always wanted to be one of the cool kids. 1.2353 0.04658 102 80 20 2
1616 Sometimes I feel I am just a confection to her... 1.2353 0.04457 136 110 20 6
1617 No, it’s not me. You’re thinking of Dan Aykroyd 1.2353 0.04658 102 80 20 2
1618 For the last time, it’s not seasonal effective disorder. 1.2353 0.05428 102 84 12 6
1619 I just worry she’s too hot for me 1.2353 0.04577 119 95 20 4
1620 My greatest fear is global warming. 1.2348 0.04670 132 108 17 7
1621 I have this recurring dream that I’m running down a sidewalk. 1.2348 0.05142 115 95 13 7
1622 Everyone tells me it's all in my head. 1.2348 0.04676 115 92 19 4
1623 Lately, it seems as though I am experiencing brain freeze. 1.2348 0.04991 115 94 15 6
1624 My “Mr. Softserve” title doesn’t help in the dating game. 1.2348 0.04676 115 92 19 4
1625 Females aren’t into sweet… I need to be more like Rocky Road. 1.2348 0.04510 115 91 21 3
1626 I don't know, doc, every time I try to talk to her, I just freeze up. 1.2348 0.04836 115 93 17 5
1627 I can only seem to make fair weather friends. 1.2347 0.05766 98 82 9 7
1628 Calling me 'soft' is one thing, but finding out I was just her 'flavor of the month' is making my stomach churn. 1.2345 0.04378 145 118 20 7
1629 I had one meltdown and they froze me out! 1.2344 0.04503 128 103 20 5
1630 And I'll never be able to wear a fedora. 1.2344 0.04503 128 103 20 5
1631 Doc, I'm melting under the pressure at work. 1.2342 0.04607 111 88 20 3
1632 What else would I be talking about. 1.2342 0.05112 111 91 14 6
1633 So anyway, that's when they started calling me Mr. Softee 1.2342 0.04949 111 90 16 5
1634 She said I'm soft in the head. 1.2342 0.04781 111 89 18 4
1635 The Haberdasher had no hats that fit. He suggested dipping it in chocolate. 1.2342 0.04949 111 90 16 5
1636 My father never wanted a swirl. 1.2342 0.05112 111 91 14 6
1637 I dunno doc… people are always telling me I’m living a soft serve life, but these days it feels really hard serve. 1.2342 0.04607 111 88 20 3
1638 And always her sarcastic comeback, 'Don't have a meltdown!' 1.2340 0.05332 94 76 14 4
1639 In my dreams, I hear the song. 1.2339 0.04596 124 100 19 5
1640 I'm worried I come off as cold... 1.2336 0.04893 107 86 17 4
1641 Yes and I've also been getting these brain freezes Doc 1.2336 0.04710 107 85 19 3
1642 My family is always so cold to me. 1.2336 0.04519 107 84 21 2
1643 But I’m more than vanilla…I’m French Vanilla. 1.2336 0.04519 107 84 21 2
1644 You have to help me doc, I’m having a meltdown. 1.2336 0.04893 107 86 17 4
1645 Oftentimes I feel like a big softy. 1.2333 0.04543 120 96 20 4
1646 My life is so vanilla. 1.2333 0.04543 120 96 20 4
1647 I don't wanna be Mr. Softy anymore. 1.2333 0.04543 120 96 20 4
1648 I've taken just about all the licks I can take. 1.2333 0.04984 120 99 14 7
1649 My wife wants to leave me, and the dog wants to eat me. 1.2333 0.04841 120 98 16 6
1650 Every time I lick a human I get brain freeze 1.2333 0.04694 120 97 18 5
1651 Summer is hell. 1.2333 0.04694 120 97 18 5
1652 My family thrived in the summer. 1.2330 0.04820 103 82 18 3
1653 She wants me to try new things, you know...with chocolate or whipped cream. But, I just can't seem to get past being plain vanilla. 1.2330 0.05014 103 83 16 4
1654 I keep having this nightmare where I’m driving my truck and a whole neighborhood of kids are chasing me down the block. 1.2330 0.04618 103 81 20 2
1655 I understand you specialize in scream therapy. 1.2330 0.04407 103 80 22 1
1656 I didn’t think the brain freeze would last this long. 1.2330 0.04820 103 82 18 3
1657 Why do I feel like she wants to bite my head off all the time 1.2330 0.05380 103 85 12 6
1658 I have a brain freeze 1.2328 0.04798 116 94 17 5
1659 I walk around feeling like I have perpetual brain freeze 1.2328 0.05101 116 96 13 7
1660 I thought life was going to be a piece of cake..." 1.2328 0.04952 116 95 15 6
1661 I know, I know, I’m too soft. 1.2328 0.04640 116 93 19 4
1662 My thoughts are always swirling. Sometimes dark. Sometimes light. Sometimes a mix of the two…” 1.2328 0.05101 116 96 13 7
1663 It started the first time I was dipped in chocolate. 1.2326 0.04606 129 105 18 6
1664 I was not always this way---I was a real hot head 1.2326 0.04335 129 103 22 4
1665 I can't seem to get the song out of my head. 1.2321 0.04909 112 91 16 5
1666 I’ve been having the giant tongue dream again… 1.2321 0.04743 112 90 18 4
1667 My parents had a hard life. 1.2321 0.04743 112 90 18 4
1668 She said my apartment was too cold 1.2321 0.04743 112 90 18 4
1669 I asked for a combover, but they gave me a cone over. 1.2321 0.04743 112 90 18 4
1670 I only wear it because I don’t like people starring at my hair. 1.2321 0.04743 112 90 18 4
1671 And he just kept licking! 1.2321 0.04390 112 88 22 2
1672 I'm not soft. It's just hard out there. 1.2321 0.05071 112 92 14 6
1673 I can't take that label anymore. I mean... Do YOU think i'm soft, Doctor? 1.2321 0.04743 112 90 18 4
1674 I've tried to practice mindfulness,but my thoughts continue to swirl. 1.2318 0.04036 151 121 25 5
1675 People accuse me of being a softee. 1.2318 0.04351 151 124 19 8
1676 I have a drinking problem. 1.2316 0.04838 95 75 18 2
1677 My wife tells me I'm too vanilla. 1.2316 0.05065 95 76 16 3
1678 Then she dropped me - right on my head! And then there was this child screaming. Endless screaming. And no one ever came for me. 1.2316 0.05489 95 78 12 5
1679 I worry a lot about global warming. 1.2315 0.04853 108 87 17 4
1680 The last straw was when she insisted I do hot yoga with her. 1.2315 0.04671 108 86 19 3
1681 Sundaes are the hardest. 1.2315 0.04853 108 87 17 4
1682 Doc, why do I keep getting brain freezes? 1.2315 0.04482 108 85 21 2
1683 See?? Even YOU think I'm soft in the head! 1.2315 0.05197 108 89 13 6
1684 And then I found sprinkles on the back of her head... 1.2315 0.05361 108 90 11 7
1685 Don’t try to candy coat this, Doc. 1.2315 0.05028 108 88 15 5
1686 My tennis game went south when I got a soft serve. 1.2314 0.04509 121 97 20 4
1687 The continual looks of lust get old--I am not a piece of meat.... 1.2314 0.04805 121 99 16 6
1688 Don't worry, doc: I'm not about to have a meltdown - not in a week of Sundaes! 1.2314 0.04805 121 99 16 6
1689 My whole life is melting before my eyes. 1.2308 0.04779 104 83 18 3
1690 Thanks to our work I have decided to let cooler heads prevail. 1.2308 0.05155 104 85 14 5
1691 If you just keep it under 32 degrees I’ll be fine. 1.2308 0.04779 104 83 18 3
1692 I am a product of Dairy Queen. Am I gay or trans? 1.2308 0.05651 91 75 11 5
1693 I found that keeping your cool at all times is exhausting 1.2308 0.04272 117 92 23 2
1694 No one believes me that brain freezes are real. 1.2308 0.04970 104 84 16 4
1695 I've got something heavy on my mind and I just can't lick it. 1.2308 0.04970 104 84 16 4
1696 I think I'm becoming lactose intolerant 1.2308 0.05061 117 97 13 7
1697 Can you lick this problem? 1.2308 0.04761 117 95 17 5
1698 The other coneheads look down on me since I got a perm. 1.2308 0.05205 117 98 11 8
1699 I'm not the softee everyone makes me out to be. 1.2308 0.05431 91 74 13 4
1700 I can't stop this swirling effect 1.2308 0.04970 104 84 16 4
1701 In Sweden I'd be given social benefits for Ice Cream Syndrome minority. 1.2308 0.04441 117 93 21 3
1702 The last time I took a dip in chocolate, I was shamed for using blackface. 1.2308 0.04573 130 106 18 6
1703 So here’s the twist, doc… 1.2308 0.04579 104 82 20 2
1704 Well, I'm just tired of being soft serve. 1.2308 0.04779 104 83 18 3
1705 My last therapist wouldn’t let me anywhere near their furniture. What is this, suede? 1.2308 0.05431 91 74 13 4
1706 She asks where my heads at and I just freeze up! 1.2308 0.04761 117 95 17 5
1707 I had a meltdown. 1.2308 0.05155 104 85 14 5
1708 I just won the U.S. Open but they STILL call me soft serve. 1.2302 0.04241 126 100 23 3
1709 My brother always got 2 scoops 1.2302 0.04802 126 104 15 7
1710 They're all fair-weather friends. 1.2301 0.05030 113 93 14 6
1711 I have chronic brain freeze. 1.2301 0.04534 113 90 20 3
1712 Am I a racist for obsessing about how crunchy chocolate-topped scoops might have longer cones? 1.2301 0.05030 113 93 14 6
1713 The movie was one thing, but it was the SNL skits that created the lasting damage. 1.2301 0.05184 113 94 12 7
1714 You meant to say you want to pick my brain, right?!” (Note: I would like to italicize the word "pick" only, if that is an option. Thanks.) 1.2301 0.04534 113 90 20 3
1715 My wife says I'm nothing but a smoothie. 1.2301 0.04705 113 91 18 4
1716 Doctor, my brain is melting 1.2301 0.04870 113 92 16 5
1717 My wife assured me soft-serve was not going to be a deal breaker. 1.2301 0.04870 113 92 16 5
1718 People keep addressing me as Mr. Cohn. 1.2301 0.04870 113 92 16 5
1719 If only they hadn't named me "Dairy Queen." 1.2301 0.04870 113 92 16 5
1720 I got quite a licking when I returned home from the Barber Shop. 1.2301 0.05030 113 93 14 6
1721 I'm having trouble expressing my primal ice cream. 1.2301 0.03977 113 87 26 0
1722 I thought SNL would bring back the cone-heads 1.2301 0.04870 113 92 16 5
1723 And Dad said I wasn’t sprinkle worthy… 1.2301 0.04705 113 91 18 4
1724 Lately, it’s been a rocky road. 1.2301 0.04356 113 89 22 2
1725 It’s been so stressful, Doc. My mind is always in a state of McFlurry 1.2301 0.04356 113 89 22 2
1726 Climate anxiety is real 1.2301 0.05030 113 93 14 6
1727 I'm vulnerable to meltdowns. 1.2300 0.04462 100 78 21 1
1728 Dating has been a rocky road. She said I'm too vanilla! 1.2300 0.05291 100 82 13 5
1729 I think I have a brain freeze 1.2295 0.04769 122 100 16 6
1730 It's too hot for me to pretend anymore. 1.2294 0.04633 109 87 19 3
1731 This hair transplant has been a disaster! 1.2294 0.04986 109 89 15 5
1732 I can’t take it anymore. Everyone says I’m so vanilla. 1.2294 0.04250 109 85 23 1
1733 I practice shrinkflation for those suffering from smaller serving sizes this year 1.2294 0.04633 109 87 19 3
1734 I feel like I'm getting soft. 1.2294 0.04446 109 86 21 2
1735 Every time I try to talk to a good-looking gal, I literally freeze 1.2294 0.05154 109 90 13 6
1736 They say I’m too soft 1.2294 0.04633 109 87 19 3
1737 There's just no place for a plain vanilla guy anymore. 1.2294 0.04446 109 86 21 2
1738 I just can't seem to get the threat of global warming out of my head 1.2294 0.04986 109 89 15 5
1739 No, seriously…how else am I supposed to take it when she calls me “Mister Softee”? 1.2294 0.04986 109 89 15 5
1740 I’m a softie. Is that so wrong? 1.2292 0.05017 96 77 16 3
1741 Van life just isn't for me. 1.2292 0.05231 96 78 14 4
1742 She said I've lost my good humor and wants a split. 1.2288 0.05164 118 99 11 8
1743 I keep having the same dream. The president has one of me in each hand, and I can see my terror reflected in his aviators. 1.2288 0.05022 118 98 13 7
1744 Sorry, what was I saying? Brain freeze. 1.2288 0.04876 118 97 15 6
1745 Doc, I just found out that I'm lactose intolerant. 1.2288 0.04725 118 96 17 5
1746 Doctor… I just don’t understand why my brain is in a constant freeze… 1.2288 0.04408 118 94 21 3
1747 I used to be the cool guy. Now people just look at me and say they gain 20 pounds. That's pressure on a whole new level, doc. 1.2288 0.04725 118 96 17 5
1748 I feel like I'm just so VANILLA, you know? 1.2286 0.04928 105 85 16 4
1749 It’s just that I do all the work, and the Dairy QUEEN gets all the credit! 1.2286 0.05286 105 87 12 6
1750 The music follows me everywhere. 1.2286 0.04738 105 84 18 3
1751 I have a terrifying and repeating nightmare about global warming. 1.2286 0.05110 105 86 14 5
1752 I'm trying to do my job and then suddenly my brain just freezes. 1.2286 0.05110 105 86 14 5
1753 I think I'm soft in the head. 1.2283 0.04060 127 100 25 2
1754 How come you keep a giant fried egg in your office? 1.2283 0.05146 127 108 9 10
1755 I'm retiring, but can't decide on the Arctic or Antarctic. Does that make me bipolar? 1.2283 0.05150 92 74 15 3
1756 My mother was also a softie. 1.2281 0.04323 114 90 22 2
1757 Why do people scream when they could just ask quietly? 1.2281 0.04668 114 92 18 4
1758 Good humor? Good humor! That's the problem, isn't it, doc? That's always been the problem. 1.2281 0.04831 114 93 16 5
1759 Whenever I go outside, I start to melt down 1.2281 0.04499 114 91 20 3
1760 Well, I think you're just an ol' softee. 1.2281 0.04831 114 93 16 5
1761 They focus in my coldness, not my sweetness. 1.2281 0.04499 114 91 20 3
1762 She said she’s had it with the soft serve” 1.2281 0.04831 114 93 16 5
1763 So, I used the Viagra, and she still called me 'Mr. Softee." 1.2281 0.04990 114 94 14 6
1764 I just feel like life is licking me. 1.2281 0.04668 114 92 18 4
1765 How would you like to be told that 'soft serve' refers to a senior's tennis tournament? 1.2281 0.04831 114 93 16 5
1766 I thought I was an ice cream cone. 1.2281 0.04323 114 90 22 2
1767 She's on diet, again! 1.2281 0.04668 114 92 18 4
1768 Is this conversation under the cone of silence? 1.2277 0.04850 101 81 17 3
1769 Maybe I don’t want to be a king cone. 1.2277 0.05243 101 83 13 5
1770 Doc, my thoughts won't stop spiralling. 1.2276 0.04443 123 99 20 4
1771 Even my wife can't tolerate me. 1.2273 0.04595 110 88 19 3
1772 If only I'd picked the sugar cone . . . 1.2273 0.04410 110 87 21 2
1773 My life is swirling out of control. 1.2273 0.04014 110 85 25 0
1774 Everyone keeps telling me to chill, but I feel like I'm about to have a melt-down 1.2273 0.04773 110 89 17 4
1775 Before I knew it, she left me for an older guy, a popsicle?. 1.2273 0.04773 110 89 17 4
1776 I'm really getting worried about this global warming thing. 1.2273 0.04595 110 88 19 3
1777 Summers make me so sad! 1.2273 0.04246 132 106 22 4
1778 I keep waiting for the sprinkles that never came. 1.2273 0.04773 110 89 17 4
1779 Nobody is looking for soft skills anymore. 1.2269 0.04535 119 96 19 4
1780 People keep telling me that I’ve gone soft in the head! 1.2269 0.04375 119 95 21 3
1781 I don't think I can take and more licks! 1.2269 0.04535 119 96 19 4
1782 I hate that damn tune. 1.2269 0.04689 119 97 17 5
1783 Therapist: "I see you have an ice cream head. How does that make you feel?" Ice Cream Head: "Well, it's a rocky road, but I'm trying to stay cool!" 🍦😄 1.2269 0.04535 119 96 19 4
1784 She wants us to take a beach vacation... 1.2268 0.05386 97 80 12 5
1785 'It's all in my head?' That's the best you can do? Of course it's all in my head. 1.2268 0.05771 97 82 8 7
1786 Come to think of it, I guess I’ve always identified as more of a bowl than a cone. 1.2268 0.05386 97 80 12 5
1787 My waking nightmare is being chased down the block. 1.2268 0.05386 97 80 12 5
1788 Sprinkles? Jimmies? 1.2264 0.04886 106 86 16 4
1789 I’ve been licked all my life - first my dad, then the school bullies, now everyone I meet! 1.2264 0.05066 106 87 14 5
1790 Guess I've been a softie my whole life. 1.2264 0.05066 106 87 14 5
1791 I dreamt they dipped my head in a vat of chocolate. 1.2264 0.04503 106 84 20 2
1792 I keep having nightmares of being chased by a McDonald's worker. 1.2264 0.05240 106 88 12 6
1793 Enjoy it before it melts. Life. 1.2264 0.04886 106 86 16 4
1794 I’ve had thoughts about topping myself 1.2264 0.04698 106 85 18 3
1795 Keep a cool head, they said 1.2264 0.04299 106 83 22 1
1796 ...and that's how I had my first meltdown. 1.2264 0.05066 106 87 14 5
1797 They said I'd gone soft. 1.2261 0.04464 115 92 20 3
1798 Nobody wants plain vanilla any more. 1.2261 0.04631 115 93 18 4
1799 It all started as a simple brain freeze; what's next, sprinkles? 1.2261 0.04950 115 95 14 6
1800 The change of season is tough. 1.2261 0.04793 115 94 16 5
1801 My wife tells me I’m too soft. 1.2261 0.04631 115 93 18 4
1802 I started out as an ordinary conehead and then I froze. 1.2261 0.04464 115 92 20 3
1803 Even when I was little, they called me Mr. Softy 1.2261 0.04631 115 93 18 4
1804 I’d like to expand my horizons. But all my friends just want to meet me at DQ. 1.2261 0.04793 115 94 16 5
1805 My head swirls just thinking about your question. 1.2261 0.04793 115 94 16 5
1806 I struggle with thoughts of melting myself. 1.2258 0.04866 93 74 17 2
1807 I scream, you scream, we all scream... but what does any of it mean? 1.2258 0.05325 93 76 13 4
1808 My wife keeps calling me Mister Softee 1.2258 0.04260 124 99 22 3
1809 I’m afraid I won’t be able to keep a cool head. 1.2258 0.04411 124 100 20 4
1810 My father tells me I’m soft. 1.2258 0.04411 124 100 20 4
1811 Well Mr. Cone, this is certainly the most severe case of Brain-freeze that I have encountered. 1.2256 0.04218 133 107 22 4
1812 The screaming has finally taken its toll. 1.2255 0.04808 102 82 17 3
1813 My eyes are down here. 1.2255 0.04602 102 81 19 2
1814 Recently, I've felt frozen in time. 1.2255 0.04602 102 81 19 2
1815 My wife complains I'm too much of a softy. 1.2255 0.04602 102 81 19 2
1816 Mr. Softee” is my dad’s name. I wish sometimes they would just call me Steve. 1.2255 0.05729 102 87 7 8
1817 It’s just that… sometimes I want to be licked too 1.2255 0.04808 102 82 17 3
1818 Everyone talks about ice cream headaches, but no one talks about ice cream heartache. 1.2252 0.04904 111 91 15 5
1819 Even my friends call me Frosty. 1.2252 0.04375 111 88 21 2
1820 All my subordinates at work think i'm Mr Softee 1.2252 0.04735 111 90 17 4
1821 Even I don’t know the difference between cake or sugar cone. It’s like a USB cable, you never get it the first time. 1.2252 0.04558 111 89 19 3
1822 Everybody just thinks I'm a Softee... 1.2250 0.04178 120 95 23 2
1823 I just want a little sparkle in my life 1.2250 0.04654 120 98 17 5
1824 I'm starting to think this constant brain freeze is psychological, Doctor." 1.2250 0.04501 120 97 19 4
1825 I just can’t keep up with these seasonal flavors 1.2248 0.04296 129 104 21 4
1826 We almost came to blows, but cooler heads prevailed. 1.2247 0.05478 89 73 12 4
1827 I’m not soft serve, I’m frozen custard, damn it! 1.2247 0.05240 89 72 14 3
1828 The irony is that I'm hard on myself. 1.2247 0.05707 89 74 10 5
1829 Nobody licks me. 1.2245 0.05335 98 81 12 5
1830 No, more like a brain freeze than a brain fog... 1.2245 0.05335 98 81 12 5
1831 (Sigh) Just seems like soft serve is a thing of the past. 1.2245 0.05135 98 80 14 4
1832 They scream for more of me and then blame me for their headaches. 1.2245 0.05716 98 83 8 7
1833 I can't seem to lick it. 1.2245 0.04925 98 79 16 3
1834 Brain freeze? Is that the same thing as writer's block? 1.2243 0.04659 107 86 18 3
1835 Everyone thinks I'm just an old Softee! 1.2243 0.04466 107 85 20 2
1836 I’m just liked, Doctor. 1.2243 0.04659 107 86 18 3
1837 I just wish I could lick my problem. 1.2243 0.04844 107 87 16 4
1838 So I make one little mistake with my hair and now everyone thinks I'm a softy. 1.2243 0.04659 107 86 18 3
1839 But Doctor, I am ice cream. 1.2243 0.04466 107 85 20 2
1840 I have this recurring dream where everyone's screaming my name and I completely freeze up. 1.2243 0.05023 107 88 14 5
1841 Well, I'll be dipped! 1.2243 0.04844 107 87 16 4
1842 She said I'm Mr. Softee in the streets AND in the sheets 1.2241 0.04756 116 95 16 5
1843 No one does lactose anymore. 1.2241 0.03889 116 90 26 0
1844 Sometimes I feel like I’m too much of a Softee 1.2241 0.04756 116 95 16 5
1845 My stomach is churning. 1.2241 0.04257 116 92 22 2
1846 I'm constantly in a state of meltdown. 1.2240 0.04524 125 102 18 5
1847 Doctor, I know this is more than an ordinary head cold. 1.2234 0.05691 94 79 9 6
1848 She said she wanted someone with more dough. 1.2234 0.05486 94 78 11 5
1849 I've always wanted to be Mr. Potatohead, but at my age, I'm sure it will never happen! 1.2234 0.05052 94 76 15 3
1850 Wherever I go, I get licked. 1.2234 0.04820 94 75 17 2
1851 Please lower the thermostat, I don't really want my head to shrink. 1.2234 0.05052 94 76 15 3
1852 I was born a soft serve,but I always felt I was a gelato. 1.2234 0.05486 94 78 11 5
1853 I feel the name Mr. Softee weighs against my chances for a successful relationship. 1.2233 0.04962 103 84 15 4
1854 My wife says I'm a soft serve. 1.2233 0.04766 103 83 17 3
1855 I'm in crisis, Doc. I can't go through a full session without suffering a complete meltdown. 1.2232 0.04865 112 92 15 5
1856 Phallic symbol? It’s just vanilla soft serve, Doc 1.2232 0.04522 112 90 19 3
1857 Doctor, I feel my life is so vanilla. 1.2232 0.04865 112 92 15 5
1858 I had another dream about global warming." 1.2232 0.04522 112 90 19 3
1859 I have this recurring nightmare about a cow lick. 1.2232 0.05027 112 93 13 6
1860 nobody screams for ice cream anymore 1.2232 0.05027 112 93 13 6
1861 Your rug triggers me. 1.2231 0.04766 121 100 15 6
1862 The constant brain freeze is driving me crazy! 1.2231 0.04467 121 98 19 4
1863 I wanted to be a professional tennis player,but never made because of my soft serve. 1.2222 0.05663 99 84 8 7
1864 Let me just get straight to the pint 1.2222 0.05423 90 74 12 4
1865 They used to always tell me that too much ice cream goes right to your ass. 1.2222 0.04620 108 87 18 3
1866 I try to appear strong and masculine, but people still call me Mister Softee. 1.2222 0.04620 108 87 18 3
1867 I'm a full human being with a complex inner life, but all everyone wants is to lick my head 1.2222 0.04981 108 89 14 5
1868 All my co-workers call me a softy. 1.2222 0.04665 99 79 18 2
1869 It’s like half of me wants to completely start over and half of me is butter pecan. 1.2222 0.05478 99 83 10 6
1870 I'm attracted to popsicles AND cones just like me. Does that make me bipolar? 1.2222 0.04719 117 96 16 5
1871 I worry constantly about meltdowns. 1.2222 0.04719 117 96 16 5
1872 Everyone keeps judging me by my flavour… 1.2222 0.04560 117 95 18 4
1873 LGBT+ won't include DQ. 1.2222 0.04719 117 96 16 5
1874 I can't get any sleep with that damn jingle stuck in my head. 1.2222 0.04804 108 88 16 4
1875 And on Thursdays, chocolate. 1.2222 0.04019 108 84 24 0
1876 I have an obsessive urge to dip my head in chocolate sauce. 1.2222 0.05021 117 98 12 7
1877 I feel like I'm whipped. 1.2222 0.04225 117 93 22 2
1878 There are a lot of things swirling around in here. 1.2222 0.05423 90 74 12 4
1879 I have a deep fear of being dipped in chocolate syrup. 1.2222 0.05188 90 73 14 3
1880 I know I'm largely responsible for my situation, but I've also had a lot of bad licks in my life! 1.2222 0.04719 117 96 16 5
1881 It's the sun that I fear 1.2222 0.04046 126 100 24 2
1882 I keep having the same dream — I’m late for social studies class and all of my sprinkles are falling off.” 1.2222 0.05087 99 81 14 4
1883 I don't know doc, I'm just licked. 1.2222 0.04665 99 79 18 2
1884 She let her dog lick me 1.2222 0.04873 117 97 14 6
1885 …and then she tells me im ‘too vanilla’, whatever that means… 1.2222 0.04873 117 97 14 6
1886 I just don't understand it Doc, why does every girl I meet just wanna Lick My Head?" /S 1.2222 0.04200 126 101 22 3
1887 Sometimes I want to get a little hot under the collar, but I always have to keep a cool head. 1.2212 0.04659 113 92 17 4
1888 My friends all say I have a frosty temperament. 1.2212 0.04306 113 90 21 2
1889 It all started when I was four, and mother wouldn't let me get dipped in chocolate. 1.2212 0.04825 113 93 15 5
1890 So as summer gets closer, I cant shake this feeling of inexorable death 1.2212 0.04659 113 92 17 4
1891 I've always felt inferior to hand-dipped. 1.2212 0.05105 104 86 13 5
1892 My problem is very vanilla! 1.2212 0.04523 104 83 19 2
1893 So now you're going to tell me brain freeze is normal? 1.2212 0.04918 104 85 15 4
1894 Maybe I'm just a little bit too vanilla? 1.2212 0.04918 104 85 15 4
1895 My mind just keeps swirling. 1.2212 0.04523 104 83 19 2
1896 my mind's a swirl Doctor... and it's weighing me down! 1.2212 0.04918 104 85 15 4
1897 I can’t lick this obsession 1.2211 0.05635 95 80 9 6
1898 Of course I'm depressed. You try to meet women when your name is Mr. Softee. 1.2211 0.04775 95 76 17 2
1899 I always start feeling less desirable at the end of summer. 1.2211 0.05004 95 77 15 3
1900 I'm trying to understand why every time I'm asked a question, my brain just freezes. 1.2211 0.05635 95 80 9 6
1901 It started when they shortened my name to Frogurt. 1.2209 0.05825 86 72 9 5
1902 My wife told me she’s lactose intolerant. 1.2209 0.05585 86 71 11 4
1903 I’m passing as ice cream, but I’m really soft yogurt. 1.2209 0.05335 86 70 13 3
1904 I’m afraid if I let anyone get too close, they’ll consume me. 1.2209 0.05585 86 71 11 4
1905 With a name like Mr. Softee, of course I have relationship issues. 1.2203 0.04683 118 97 16 5
1906 And last night in bed, my wife called me Mister Softee. 1.2203 0.04835 118 98 14 6
1907 Thanks for closing the blinds 1.2203 0.04193 118 94 22 2
1908 It's all swirling around up there. 1.2203 0.04683 118 97 16 5
1909 I just feel like everything I’ve achieved might be melting away. 1.2202 0.04582 109 88 18 3
1910 I get brain freeze all the time. 1.2202 0.04582 109 88 18 3
1911 It's everyone's intolerance that gets me down - lactose,in particular. 1.2202 0.04939 109 90 14 5
1912 I keep worrying about hot weather. 1.2202 0.04764 109 89 16 4
1913 My parents were polar opposites — chocolate and vanilla. 1.2202 0.04939 109 90 14 5
1914 It just kills the mood when she calls me Mr. Softee. 1.2202 0.04939 109 90 14 5
1915 So then my kid said, "You have no idea how hard it is to be a chocolate-vanilla swirl." 1.2202 0.05108 109 91 12 6
1916 ...and if that isn't enough, I'm fat free, sugar free and non-GMO. 1.2202 0.04939 109 90 14 5
1917 It's pronounced Soft - Tay. Why is that so hard for everyone to understand? 1.2202 0.04939 109 90 14 5
1918 But how can I be a Softee with a heart this cold? 1.2202 0.04764 109 89 16 4
1919 The Viagara is not helping 1.2202 0.04764 109 89 16 4
1920 Well, it happened again. Can you prescribe me some Viagra? 1.2202 0.04764 109 89 16 4
1921 I’m having panic attacks about global warming 1.2200 0.05041 100 82 14 4
1922 They all ask like I'm supposed to know - sprinkles or jimmies, sprinkles or jimmies?! 1.2200 0.05041 100 82 14 4
1923 Ugh. By the end of the day I feel licked. 1.2200 0.04399 100 79 20 1
1924 Well, summer is over, so what good am I? 1.2200 0.05041 100 82 14 4
1925 Why didn’t she tell me she was lactose intolerant BEFORE the wedding?? 1.2200 0.05041 100 82 14 4
1926 I thought I had a twisted mind, but it turns out I’m just vanilla 1.2200 0.05041 100 82 14 4
1927 I’m tired of everyone being intolerant of me, like just chill out 1.2200 0.04623 100 80 18 2
1928 I’ve got brain freeze and I’m obsessed with ice cream. I need help. 1.2198 0.04893 91 73 16 2
1929 Why do I always have to wear a suit? 1.2198 0.05136 91 74 14 3
1930 My wife says I’m getting soft in the head. 1.2198 0.05136 91 74 14 3
1931 I am not a Conehead but I am from France. 1.2198 0.05591 91 76 10 5
1932 Can you change my flavor? 1.2198 0.05136 91 74 14 3
1933 I keep having a nightmare that a child kisses me and my head falls off and splats on the ground. 1.2198 0.05369 91 75 12 4
1934 Doctor , everyone wants to put their nuts on my head . 1.2195 0.04695 123 102 15 6
1935 I'm a cold person and I think that is affecting my relationships. 1.2193 0.04622 114 93 17 4
1936 I don’t know, Doc. Do you think I’m a little soft in the head? 1.2193 0.04622 114 93 17 4
1937 Thoughts keep Swirling in my head, Doc. 1.2193 0.05101 114 96 11 7
1938 ...and then my mother who kept calling me 'sorbet'... 1.2193 0.04787 114 94 15 5
1939 Doc something is eating away at me and is it hot in here or just me. 1.2193 0.04622 114 93 17 4
1940 I have nightmares about tongues. 1.2190 0.05060 105 87 13 5
1941 Sometimes I feel like I’m the opposite of Pavlov’s dog because whenever I hear a bell I imagine others salivating. 1.2190 0.04876 105 86 15 4
1942 I feel like I’m getting a brain freeze. 1.2190 0.04876 105 86 15 4
1943 The problem is that she is hot 1.2190 0.05060 105 87 13 5
1944 I’ve just always felt more like a cup than a cone” 1.2190 0.04876 105 86 15 4
1945 I just want to enjoy one sunny day without a meltdown. 1.2190 0.04485 105 84 19 2
1946 it all started when my father refused to take me to the circus. 1.2190 0.05410 105 89 9 7
1947 I am a child of divorce, and now my wife wants a custardy battle over the kids. 1.2188 0.05173 96 79 13 4
1948 I am ice cream, but I identify as frozen yogurt. 1.2188 0.04957 96 78 15 3
1949 The problem is, when I focus on my state of mind, my state of matter deteriorates. 1.2188 0.05173 96 79 13 4
1950 I prefer frigid women 1.2188 0.04957 96 78 15 3
1951 I can’t stay focused on anything. It’s like constant brain freeze. 1.2188 0.04428 128 105 18 5
1952 I feel like I'm having a meltdown. 1.2188 0.04957 96 78 15 3
1953 Doctor, you've got to help me, I think I'm on the verge of a melt-down! 1.2188 0.05581 96 81 9 6
1954 I was born a conehead... 1.2188 0.05173 96 79 13 4
1955 The hate from the lactose intolerant community has just been getting to me lately 1.2188 0.05173 96 79 13 4
1956 I've suffered a total meltdown. 1.2188 0.05173 96 79 13 4
1957 To be honest doc, it makes me feel cold. 1.2188 0.04730 96 77 17 2
1958 Am I too much of a softee? 1.2185 0.04647 119 98 16 5
1959 If I could only develop a shell, it won't hurt so much when everyone calls me a softie. 1.2184 0.04746 87 69 17 1
1960 There just seems to be so much lactose intolerance in this world 1.2182 0.04545 110 89 18 3
1961 It's just so hard, Doctor. 1.2182 0.04357 110 88 20 2
1962 it's odd...even Mr. Trump didn't seem to think it was ridiculous! 1.2182 0.04725 110 90 16 4
1963 I feel the whole world's out to lick me. 1.2182 0.04357 110 88 20 2
1964 I can do hard things 1.2182 0.04898 110 91 14 5
1965 I just feel different then everybody, ya know? Like I’ll never find my Mrs. Softee 1.2182 0.04725 110 90 16 4
1966 I’ve learned to accept that my mother was lactose intolerant. 1.2178 0.04996 101 83 14 4
1967 I worry about getting too soft. 1.2178 0.04794 101 82 16 3
1968 My wife .complains that I twist things in my head 1.2178 0.04794 101 82 16 3
1969 Admit it. You want to spoon me." 1.2178 0.04361 101 80 20 1
1970 Dan Aykroyd and Jane Curtin had it all wrong. 1.2178 0.04996 101 83 14 4
1971 I am afraid I have gone soft in the head 1.2178 0.04582 101 81 18 2
1972 Then I woke up with this bag of potatoes on my head 1.2174 0.04749 115 95 15 5
1973 I just can’t take the lickings anymore. 1.2174 0.04749 115 95 15 5
1974 And when she does that, I just melt. 1.2174 0.04592 92 73 18 1
1975 My brain is frozen. 1.2174 0.04585 115 94 17 4
1976 My past? You mean before the blizzard? 1.2174 0.05315 92 76 12 4
1977 Are you saying this unrelenting craving is all in my head? 1.2174 0.05315 92 76 12 4
1978 Wherever I go, they just keep screaming my name 1.2174 0.05315 92 76 12 4
1979 It’s always about Mr. Softee the truck and never Mr. Softee the man, you know? 1.2171 0.04397 129 106 18 5
1980 I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream… and then I wake up, sweating. 1.2170 0.04834 106 87 15 4
1981 Let’s see, your wife is cherry berry smash and you are plain vanilla. Perhaps the two of you are simply not compatible. 1.2170 0.04645 106 86 17 3
1982 She wanted a banana split. 1.2170 0.05017 106 88 13 5
1983 Mister Softee doesn’t have the same ring in bed. 1.2170 0.05017 106 88 13 5
1984 How long do you think that I will survive in the Middle East? 1.2170 0.05017 106 88 13 5
1985 Its really hard to find love when your name is Mister Softee 1.2170 0.04645 106 86 17 3
1986 CONE HEAD DOC? 1.2170 0.04447 106 85 19 2
1987 An awkward cone of silence. 1.2170 0.04645 106 86 17 3
1988 My story has a twist. 1.2170 0.04834 106 87 15 4
1989 She ended it and said it was because I am so Vanilla. 1.2170 0.04645 106 86 17 3
1990 I may be vanilla, Doc, but she’s the one making our life a rocky road. 1.2170 0.05193 106 89 11 6
1991 I have gone soft 1.2170 0.04240 106 84 21 1
1992 She says I give her brain freeze. 1.2170 0.04240 106 84 21 1
1993 Last night I dreamt I was a doughnut. 1.2170 0.05193 106 89 11 6
1994 My father, Beldar, keeps telling me I’m from Remulak but I look nothing like my sister, Connie 1.2170 0.04834 106 87 15 4
1995 They keep telling me that cooler heads will prevail. . . 1.2170 0.04645 106 86 17 3
1996 well off the top of my head..... 1.2169 0.05156 83 67 14 2
1997 Actually Doc it’s been hard being a softy! 1.2169 0.05156 83 67 14 2
1998 Women seem interested until they hear what my name is. 1.2167 0.04611 120 99 16 5
1999 People say I have a vanilla personality. 1.2165 0.04687 97 78 17 2
2000 Sure, I am cooler than Mr. Potato Head, but I am concerned about my life span 1.2165 0.05330 97 81 11 5
2001 People think I'm too soft. 1.2165 0.04452 97 77 19 1
2002 My wife forgot to buy sprinkles. I feel neglected at home. 1.2165 0.04687 97 78 17 2
2003 They won’t let me go topless. 1.2165 0.04452 97 77 19 1
2004 She said I was vanilla, as if *she’s* so exciting! 1.2165 0.04910 97 79 15 3
2005 Well it all started when the refrigerator broke and the ice cream started to melt 1.2165 0.04910 97 79 15 3
2006 No matter how hard I try, I feel I'm licked. 1.2162 0.04322 111 89 20 2
2007 That tune. That twinkly, tingling tune. It's driving me crazy. 1.2162 0.04858 111 92 14 5
2008 ED can have many causes. 1.2162 0.04686 111 91 16 4
2009 Having a meltdown on a monday. 1.2162 0.04322 111 89 20 2
2010 My biggest fear is diabetes" 1.2162 0.04686 111 91 16 4
2011 Why does everyone assume that I'm a softy? 1.2162 0.04508 111 90 18 3
2012 You might see me as well-rounded, but I'm not so sure. 1.2162 0.04686 111 91 16 4
2013 As soon as one of us falls to the floor, that's when you realize you're replaceable. 1.2162 0.04858 111 92 14 5
2014 I really long for a 6-pack. 1.2162 0.04508 111 90 18 3
2015 … every day is bad, but Sundaes are the worst. 1.2160 0.04763 125 105 13 7
2016 Mr. Milquetoast is much better. 1.2160 0.04763 125 105 13 7
2017 Is it fair to say your mind feels like it’s… swirling? 1.2160 0.04187 125 101 21 3
2018 I feel warm. Was Mr. Potato Head just here? 1.2159 0.05225 88 72 13 3
2019 It doesn't matter if I'm up for the fight, I always end up being licked!... 1.2157 0.05144 102 85 12 5
2020 ‘“I’m afraid if I get a bad licking in this election I’ll completely lose my head.” 1.2157 0.04951 102 84 14 4
2021 Just tell me, doc, if brain freeze is real. 1.2157 0.04751 102 83 16 3
2022 I scream. You scream. We all scream. 1.2157 0.05144 102 85 12 5
2023 Actually, I am defined by other people's choices. 1.2157 0.04951 102 84 14 4
2024 It's hereditary...my maternal grandfather lost his jimmies too. 1.2157 0.04542 102 82 18 2
2025 I just don't know ... it's just ... ever since I watched 'the Wizzard of Oz', a plain vanilla life as the guy with a swirl on top just seems now so less certain. 1.2157 0.04323 102 81 20 1
2026 I feel that I’m constantly being followed. 1.2157 0.04542 102 82 18 2
2027 It's like when you drink a milkshake too fast...but ALL THE TIME. 1.2157 0.04951 102 84 14 4
2028 They always go in with tongue! 1.2155 0.04711 116 96 15 5
2029 I'm tired of guys saying they can lick me. 1.2155 0.04207 116 93 21 2
2030 People say I'm too vanilla. 1.2155 0.04382 116 94 19 3
2031 I've always been a softy, even though I try to play it cool. 1.2155 0.04868 116 97 13 6
2032 I always have the same dream. I’m a stamp. 1.2151 0.05481 93 78 10 5
2033 She says I'm too sweet for my own good. 1.2151 0.05481 93 78 10 5
2034 Darn, I can't remember what I was going to say. It's like my brain just froze up. 1.2151 0.04798 93 75 16 2
2035 My thoughts are just constantly swirling around up there. 1.2151 0.04798 93 75 16 2
2036 I think your having a meltdown 1.2150 0.04793 107 88 15 4
2037 All the women, they never look below the neck. 1.2150 0.03990 107 84 23 0
2038 Beyond this soft exterior, I have a cold, frozen heart. 1.2150 0.04974 107 89 13 5
2039 I always just have meltdowns. 1.2150 0.04974 107 89 13 5
2040 First, they came for the Slushies, but I was not a Slushy... 1.2150 0.04605 107 87 17 3
2041 I just can't shake this brain freeze, doc. 1.2150 0.04410 107 86 19 2
2042 “Yes, I know that’s my name but every time she calls me that, I feel inadequate.” 1.2150 0.05316 107 91 9 7
2043 I hope you give a lick about what I'm saying. 1.2150 0.04793 107 88 15 4
2044 My arthritis, I can't put the cherry on top." 1.2150 0.04793 107 88 15 4
2045 Frozen Yogurt got promoted again. 1.2150 0.04793 107 88 15 4
2046 My problems feel so vanilla. 1.2149 0.04424 121 99 18 4
2047 Um, no. Not Hardee’s. It’s just Softee—Mr. Softee. 1.2149 0.04577 121 100 16 5
2048 I’m not sure therapy is helping me. 1.2149 0.04424 121 99 18 4
2049 I can't get that stupid song out of my head. 1.2149 0.04265 121 98 20 3
2050 I've been trying for decades, but can't think of any other songs. 1.2143 0.05077 98 81 13 4
2051 But I wanted to be chocolate! 1.2143 0.04288 112 90 20 2
2052 It's just that being lactose intolerant is killing my dreams 1.2143 0.04818 112 93 14 5
2053 People think I'm soft. 1.2143 0.04865 98 80 15 3
2054 Well... mother was a diary farmer and father was a drag queen. 1.2143 0.05077 98 81 13 4
2055 I only ever wanted a few sprinkles to be happy 1.2143 0.04865 98 80 15 3
2056 Even a bent carrot gets more respect than I do. 1.2143 0.04096 112 89 22 1
2057 In summer I do suffer meltdowns but in winter I’m rock solid. 1.2143 0.05077 98 81 13 4
2058 Intimacy? No, not really. She just licks her fingers after fondling my curls. 1.2143 0.04472 112 91 18 3
2059 I’m a hothead. 1.2143 0.04644 98 79 17 2
2060 He called me a conehead! Judah Hare, Berlin, VT, age 13 1.2143 0.04818 112 93 14 5
2061 No...I still think being a Conehead is cool. But not this kind. 1.2143 0.05280 98 82 11 5
2062 And truly,all I have ever wanted is to be licked,I mean liked. 1.2143 0.04452 126 104 17 5
2063 It's the screaming. 1.2143 0.05375 84 69 12 3
2064 I just feel totally whipped 1.2143 0.05077 98 81 13 4
2065 I scream and I scream and I scream, and still the children come 1.2143 0.04865 98 80 15 3
2066 «all these years being called soft, has made me question who i really am » 1.2143 0.04818 112 93 14 5
2067 I want to top myself. 1.2143 0.05077 98 81 13 4
2068 Now she says she realizes she's lactose intolerant. 1.2137 0.04348 117 95 19 3
2069 So you 1.2136 0.04503 103 83 18 2
2070 Oh… I hated my mother… She was a cow 1.2136 0.05281 103 87 10 6
2071 All my dates want to do is lick my head! 1.2136 0.04709 103 84 16 3
2072 Don’t sugar cone it doc 1.2136 0.04907 103 85 14 4
2073 I don’t understand. My Wife and Kids don’t think I’m cool anymore. 1.2136 0.04058 103 81 22 0
2074 I feel really insecure with climate warming. 1.2136 0.04907 103 85 14 4
2075 I'm just tired of people taking their licks 1.2136 0.04503 103 83 18 2
2076 I just don’t feel like myself lately. 1.2136 0.04907 103 85 14 4
2077 It feels like I always have an ice cream headache. 1.2136 0.04286 103 82 20 1
2078 This happens every fall. I just feel unwanted, Doc. If only I were like pumpkin spice 1.2136 0.05281 103 87 10 6
2079 No, my problem is more than brain freeze. 1.2135 0.04918 89 72 15 2
2080 The phrase "global warming" gives me anxiety attacks. 1.2131 0.04689 122 102 14 6
2081 Now that we're back in the office, everyone wants to bite my head off." 1.2130 0.04567 108 88 17 3
2082 People say I’m cold but I starting to think it’s all in my head? 1.2130 0.04753 108 89 15 4
2083 I'm not only Mr. Softy up there. 1.2130 0.04753 108 89 15 4
2084 I just feel like I'm such a big softie. 1.2130 0.04567 108 88 17 3
2085 . . . and then they all screamed for ice cream. 1.2130 0.04567 108 88 17 3
2086 I feel like I'm melting from the inside. 1.2130 0.04753 108 89 15 4
2087 It was just the way she said ‘vanilla’ 1.2130 0.04567 108 88 17 3
2088 I’m just a mess. 1.2130 0.04373 108 87 19 2
2089 I can't remember the last time I thought about sprinkles. 1.2128 0.04987 94 77 14 3
2090 ... and worst of all, I have a headache that just won't go away. 1.2128 0.04987 94 77 14 3
2091 I had this dream where I was Cherry Garcia. 1.2128 0.05212 94 78 12 4
2092 ...and then I fall to the pavement, where a dog starts licking me greedily with his tongue..... 1.2128 0.04752 94 76 16 2
2093 How do you think it makes me feel when she calls me Mr. Softee in bed? 1.2128 0.04987 94 77 14 3
2094 I worry all the time about global warming 1.2128 0.05212 94 78 12 4
2095 I guess it's because my mother never breast fed me 1.2128 0.05212 94 78 12 4
2096 Hot Fudge slipped away and was all over Miss Softee. 1.2126 0.03973 127 102 23 2
2097 All I ever wanted was to be Dairy King. 1.2125 0.05245 80 65 13 2
2098 I feel I’m getting soft. 1.2124 0.04254 113 91 20 2
2099 I just can't keep these all crazy thoughts from swirling around in my head. 1.2124 0.04254 113 91 20 2
2100 The nickname “Mr. Softee” hasn’t helped me at the mixers. 1.2124 0.04254 113 91 20 2
2101 I bet even your thinking of licking me 1.2124 0.04779 113 94 14 5
2102 But when I try to talk to her, I just melt. 1.2124 0.04436 113 92 18 3
2103 I feel a meltdown is coming. 1.2121 0.05030 99 82 13 4
2104 Coconut Vanilla to be precise 1.2121 0.04602 99 80 17 2
2105 I take the drugs, but my erection melts too quickly. 1.2121 0.04821 99 81 15 3
2106 At first I just thought it was a head cold. 1.2121 0.04821 99 81 15 3
2107 She said I’m too much of a softie… 1.2121 0.04821 99 81 15 3
2108 My wife says I'm an old softie 1.2121 0.04821 99 81 15 3
2109 Just because I'm 'Mr Frosty' at work doesn't mean I'm not emotionally connected at home 1.2119 0.04315 118 96 19 3
2110 It started in the groin area ... 1.2119 0.04315 118 96 19 3
2111 And all this time I thought I had tinnitus. 1.2118 0.05317 85 70 12 3
2112 All of a sudden my wife is allergic to dairy. 1.2118 0.05317 85 70 12 3
2113 She left me for a guy with sprinkles. 1.2115 0.04864 104 86 14 4
2114 Of course it's my mother's fault. She's the one who kept telling me, "If you keep eating so much ice cream your head will turn into a giant ice cream cone!" 1.2115 0.05234 104 88 10 6
2115 Yeah, well I have brain freeze all the time! 1.2115 0.04464 104 84 18 2
2116 Doc... it's tough to date being called Mr. Softee!" 1.2115 0.04668 104 85 16 3
2117 I can't figure out why I keep getting these headaches? 1.2114 0.04654 123 103 14 6
2118 She even told me that she had worked at an ice cream parlor, and I still let her do my hair. What was I thinking?! 1.2111 0.05119 90 74 13 3
2119 'Doc, am I wrong to think that a meltdown is inevitable?' 1.2111 0.05585 90 76 9 5
2120 Yes,but everyone keeps licking my head. What can I do? 1.2111 0.05119 90 74 13 3
2121 I never get the scoop. 1.2111 0.05585 90 76 9 5
2122 Do YOU think I look like Matt Gaetz? 1.2111 0.05357 90 75 11 4
2123 Our time together is my only cone-solation. 1.2111 0.04326 90 71 19 0
2124 Sure, I’ve come a long way since my hothead days but I assure you it’s no linear process 1.2111 0.04605 90 72 17 1
2125 It's weird but I feel like I have brain freeze all the time. 1.2111 0.05119 90 74 13 3
2126 Okay go ahead have a taste. 1.2110 0.04529 109 89 17 3
2127 You’re being way to hard on yourself Mr. Softy ! 1.2110 0.04337 109 88 19 2
2128 Everybody says I'm too soft. 1.2110 0.04529 109 89 17 3
2129 It's like I have this feeling that my season is coming to an end... 1.2110 0.04529 109 89 17 3
2130 My barber says I am using way too much gel. 1.2110 0.05386 109 94 7 8
2131 My whole family was lactose intolerant. 1.2110 0.04529 109 89 17 3
2132 I’m sick nd tired of getting licked in every Primary. 1.2110 0.04713 109 90 15 4
2133 Being called Mr. Softy on your honeymoon has a lasting impact! 1.2110 0.04890 109 91 13 5
2134 She says I’m just vanilla. 1.2110 0.04529 109 89 17 3
2135 ...And like that, the judge told me I'd been served. A soft sentence, but still. 1.2110 0.04529 109 89 17 3
2136 We have a mixed marriage,and our kids are teased because they swirl. 1.2105 0.04463 95 76 18 1
2137 Am I wrong in wanting people to know that I am the original Conehead? 1.2105 0.04940 95 78 14 3
2138 I didn't end well. She told me I was too vanilla for her and I just froze. 1.2105 0.04901 114 96 12 6
2139 I’m having thoughts about jumping in a hot tub. 1.2105 0.04401 114 93 18 3
2140 People keep saying it's only going to get harder, you know? But it doesn't. 1.2105 0.04032 114 91 22 1
2141 I don't know why Doc,I have always had this horrible feeling that people want to lick me. 1.2105 0.04940 95 78 14 3
2142 I just don’t fit in with the other coneheads. 1.2105 0.05161 95 79 12 4
2143 And here I thought I was THE Queen! 1.2105 0.04401 114 93 18 3
2144 Everyone just wants a bite. 1.2105 0.04708 95 77 16 2
2145 I’m normally cool headed. But I screamed at the barber the other day when he tried to give me a buzz cut. 1.2105 0.04940 95 78 14 3
2146 It just hasn't been the same since Sprinkles left. 1.2101 0.04755 119 100 13 6
2147 My thoughts are all twisted. 1.2100 0.04777 100 82 15 3
2148 You try going through life as Mister Softee. 1.2100 0.04777 100 82 15 3
2149 …and I was the 32nd flavor. 1.2100 0.04560 100 81 17 2
2150 Do you think my intermittent rage disorder is caused by a mono and diglyceride imbalance. 1.2100 0.04777 100 82 15 3
2151 Actually,the brain freeze I can handle, but the constant drip, drip, drip, is driving me crazy. 1.2100 0.04777 100 82 15 3
2152 I’m all Twisted up inside . . . 1.2100 0.04777 100 82 15 3
2153 And on top of it all, turns out I'm lactose intolerant. 1.2100 0.05183 100 84 11 5
2154 I have a fear of being dipped!? 1.2100 0.04777 100 82 15 3
2155 My impotence was so bad they called me ‘Mister Softy.’ 1.2100 0.04560 100 81 17 2
2156 Would you kindly use a different first question next session instead of your usual "What's the scoop this week?" 1.2100 0.04984 100 83 13 4
2157 For some reason, Doc, I've always felt like a real drip. 1.2099 0.05476 81 67 11 3
2158 I've had brain freeze since the summer. 1.2097 0.04172 124 101 20 3
2159 My girlfriend is lactose-intolerant. 1.2095 0.04628 105 86 16 3
2160 It’s not easy being called a Softee 1.2095 0.04628 105 86 16 3
2161 I have a tongue phobia 1.2095 0.04822 105 87 14 4
2162 In a twist, I learned that my father is really frozen custard. 1.2095 0.04822 105 87 14 4
2163 The other men in the E.D. support group said I was cramping their mojo." 1.2095 0.04426 105 85 18 2
2164 I worry the curl on top makes me look gay. 1.2095 0.04822 105 87 14 4
2165 I can’t concentrate. Everything is a swirl! 1.2095 0.04628 105 86 16 3
2166 The jingle is making me crazy 1.2095 0.04214 105 84 20 1
2167 The voices in my head Keep telling me, I can run for President in 2024 1.2095 0.05008 105 88 12 5
2168 I can hear you drooling. 1.2095 0.05008 105 88 12 5
2169 She didn't object to my coldness. She couldn't stand my twisted personality 1.2095 0.04822 105 87 14 4
2170 And then my Dairy Queen left me 1.2095 0.05008 105 88 12 5
2171 I used to be so smooth. 1.2095 0.04426 105 85 18 2
2172 She says I'm just a softie, too vanilla. But all I want to be is sweet. 1.2095 0.04426 105 85 18 2
2173 I just went cold after she left. 1.2095 0.04214 105 84 20 1
2174 I'm really depressed as everyone keeps calling me a big dip! 1.2093 0.05261 86 71 12 3
2175 .............. sorry, brain freeze." 1.2093 0.04994 86 70 14 2
2176 Mr. Cone, perhaps they’re screaming FOR you and not AT you. 1.2091 0.04492 110 90 17 3
2177 The truth is my mother was a dip. 1.2091 0.04849 110 92 13 5
2178 Maybe I’m not warm and fuzzy but I’m certainly not frosty. 1.2091 0.04492 110 90 17 3
2179 I just want the headaches to stop. 1.2091 0.04674 110 91 15 4
2180 I feel I am always hounded for the latest scoop... 1.2091 0.04674 110 91 15 4
2181 I always thought it was good to be cool headed. 1.2091 0.04674 110 91 15 4
2182 I can't get over the feeling that my life is just melting away 1.2091 0.04849 110 92 13 5
2183 I tell ya, doc, I know when I'm licked. 1.2091 0.05182 110 94 9 7
2184 My head isn’t the problem Doc, it’s my soggy bottom. 1.2091 0.04302 110 89 19 2
2185 Sometimes I think I've gone too soft. 1.2088 0.05745 91 78 7 6
2186 'I think I'm having a meltdown!' 1.2088 0.05068 91 75 13 3
2187 I think I may be transgender! 1.2088 0.05068 91 75 13 3
2188 Well doc, you're in for a real treat today. 1.2088 0.05303 91 76 11 4
2189 I can’t stop thinking about sprinkles. 1.2088 0.04821 91 74 15 2
2190 I love popsicles AND cones like me. Does that make me bipolar? 1.2087 0.04537 115 95 16 4
2191 …but I do try to assert myself! 1.2087 0.04366 115 94 18 3
2192 They’re all self-serving these days 1.2087 0.04703 115 96 14 5
2193 So this global warming thing…do you think it’s serious? 1.2087 0.04537 115 95 16 4
2194 Does my hair look okay? 1.2087 0.04703 115 96 14 5
2195 I just don’t know who I am. A cup? A cone? 1.2083 0.05112 96 80 12 4
2196 So you think my partner is frigid? 1.2083 0.05112 96 80 12 4
2197 It's just unbearable, the licks I've been taking. 1.2083 0.05322 96 81 10 5
2198 I've tried being more assertive, but I'm just an old Softe 1.2083 0.04893 96 79 14 3
2199 I was told to keep a cool head about things. 1.2083 0.04893 96 79 14 3
2200 I get this brain freeze 1.2083 0.04865 120 102 11 7
2201 I give up. This town has got me licked. 1.2083 0.04893 96 79 14 3
2202 Doc,you think I have a chance to lick this? 1.2083 0.04663 96 78 16 2
2203 It just ticks me off when people say I’m as cool as a cucumber 1.2083 0.04893 96 79 14 3
2204 I don’t think I cone do this anymore, doc 1.2083 0.04893 96 79 14 3
2205 Everyone just assumes I’m a softy 1.2083 0.04893 96 79 14 3
2206 People always ask if I was at Custard's Last Stand. 1.2079 0.04939 101 84 13 4
2207 You know what it feels like to be dropped right? 1.2079 0.04734 101 83 15 3
2208 I think I will need a tissue! 1.2079 0.04939 101 84 13 4
2209 That's it, Doc! I constantly have brain freeze. 1.2079 0.04939 101 84 13 4
2210 So doctor, I really have to find out what's causing these nasty headaches. 1.2079 0.04520 101 82 17 2
2211 I thought after I got my degree they would call me Dr Softee 1.2079 0.04734 101 83 15 3
2212 I'm just tired of being so cool-headed about everything... 1.2079 0.04295 101 81 19 1
2213 My parents, chocolate and strawberry, never told me I was adopted. So why am I vanilla soft serve? 1.2079 0.04295 101 81 19 1
2214 I'm sorry - I'm having a brain freeze. 1.2079 0.04734 101 83 15 3
2215 My pronouns are ice, ice and baby. 1.2079 0.04734 101 83 15 3
2216 People mistake me for being a soft touch! 1.2075 0.04780 106 88 14 4
2217 I came to you, Dr. Cohen, because I thought you'd empathize. 1.2075 0.05143 106 90 10 6
2218 Sorry, I had a brain freeze. What was I just saying? 1.2075 0.04179 106 85 20 1
2219 Gone are the good old days of having cold feet 1.2075 0.05143 106 90 10 6
2220 I don’t know what to do…. Everyone keeps telling me I am too soft. 1.2075 0.04780 106 88 14 4
2221 My family, the coneheads, call me a disgrace 1.2075 0.05143 106 90 10 6
2222 It feels like I'm melting inside. 1.2075 0.04780 106 88 14 4
2223 And to top it all off, now she says I’m a Softee. 1.2075 0.04589 106 87 16 3
2224 One moment.. brain freeze 1.2075 0.04589 106 87 16 3
2225 I just want to be licked. 1.2073 0.05415 82 68 11 3
2226 No, Viagra didn't help. 1.2073 0.04827 82 66 15 1
2227 I just can’t seem to get hard enough for her… 1.2072 0.04976 111 94 11 6
2228 She told me I was creme de la creme. 1.2072 0.04455 111 91 17 3
2229 So there’s a little blue pill that will turn me into ice cream? 1.2072 0.04071 111 89 21 1
2230 'Soft' doesn't mean pushover, you know? 1.2069 0.04665 116 97 14 5
2231 I keep freezing up. 1.2069 0.04664 87 70 16 1
2232 Sometime I don't want to be sweet. Is that bad? 1.2069 0.05206 87 72 12 3
2233 Life’s just been vanilla, you know? 1.2069 0.05696 87 74 8 5
2234 I just feel myself melting away 1.2066 0.04052 121 98 21 2
2235 ... and the English always laugh at me - something about my being one flake short of a 99 1.2065 0.05017 92 76 13 3
2236 When you ask me about my mother I just get brain freeze. 1.2065 0.05017 92 76 13 3
2237 Too late,SNL did this a long time ago 1.2065 0.04773 92 75 15 2
2238 I think I'm having a complete emotional melt-down... 1.2065 0.04773 92 75 15 2
2239 No one is more concerned about climate change than I am 1.2065 0.05250 92 77 11 4
2240 In my nightmares I see myself under chocolate storms and cream avalanches… 1.2065 0.04773 92 75 15 2
2241 And I told them, its not dandruff, its sprinkles. 1.2065 0.05473 92 78 9 5
2242 My girlfriend says I give her a headache. 1.2065 0.05250 92 77 11 4
2243 Doc am I really broken? Or is McDonalds gaslighting me 1.2065 0.05017 92 76 13 3
2244 If I hear ONE more joke about me being soft in the head... 1.2063 0.04112 126 103 20 3
2245 I feel like my head is swirling doc. 1.2062 0.05064 97 81 12 4
2246 I get pangs of existential dread whenever I think about climate change. 1.2062 0.04847 97 80 14 3
2247 Am I bi-polar if I love hot summer days but can’t stand the heat? 1.2062 0.04620 97 79 16 2
2248 It's hard to find someone who doesn't want a bowl. 1.2062 0.04847 97 80 14 3
2249 I was all set to be one of SNL's coneheads, but at the dress rehearsal I melted under the lights. 1.2062 0.04847 97 80 14 3
2250 I SCREAM for ice cream! 1.2062 0.04847 97 80 14 3
2251 I’m just trying to recreate my childhood. 1.2062 0.05064 97 81 12 4
2252 My mother never understood… Whoa ! Ouch! I’m having another brain freeze 1.2062 0.05271 97 82 10 5
2253 You scream, they scream…I’ve had it. I’m licked. 1.2062 0.04620 97 79 16 2
2254 My head's in a swirl. 1.2062 0.04847 97 80 14 3
2255 We were only five years old. How could I have possibly known that he could actually curse me? 1.2062 0.05064 97 81 12 4
2256 My parents were frigid... 1.2062 0.04381 97 78 18 1
2257 So how do you deal with any adversity?” “I scream. 1.2062 0.05064 97 81 12 4
2258 I just froze up. 1.2059 0.04692 102 84 15 3
2259 I fear the world is growing more lactose intolerant every day, Doc. 1.2059 0.04894 102 85 13 4
2260 I think it might be brain freeze. 1.2059 0.05089 102 86 11 5
2261 Wow, an insecure attachment style? 1.2059 0.05089 102 86 11 5
2262 ...then I get this melting feeling... 1.2059 0.04023 102 81 21 0
2263 My mom won't accept that I'll never become a Dairy Queen 1.2059 0.04894 102 85 13 4
2264 I feel like I will never be able to reach the issues in my head and lick lick them. 1.2059 0.04258 102 82 19 1
2265 Anytime someone says my name, I scream! 1.2056 0.05098 107 91 10 6
2266 My love life is on a rocky road. 1.2056 0.03925 107 85 22 0
2267 ...and, then, they taunt me for not being able to get hard. 1.2056 0.05098 107 91 10 6
2268 As you probably guessed, my childhood was as vanilla as it gets, and my parents were extremely frigid! 1.2056 0.04922 107 90 12 5
2269 I always feel like such a drip. 1.2056 0.04922 107 90 12 5
2270 I don’t know what’s worse. My wife thinking I’m a softie or my kids calling me cone headed. 1.2056 0.04550 107 88 16 3
2271 For once, I want to scream for myself. 1.2056 0.04550 107 88 16 3
2272 Cool heads will prevail. 1.2054 0.04597 112 93 15 4
2273 I wish I was chocolate. 1.2054 0.04233 112 91 19 2
2274 It all started when I drove past my first Dairy Queen 1.2054 0.04935 112 95 11 6
2275 Ever since the frozen yogurt craze, I’ve had an empty useless feeling 1.2054 0.04419 112 92 17 3
2276 I might melt under all this pressure. 1.2051 0.04467 117 97 16 4
2277 Do you know how hard it is being lactose intolerant 1.2048 0.05073 83 68 13 2
2278 Every night she says she has a headache, and I'm starting to feel like it's my fault. 1.2048 0.05355 83 69 11 3
2279 Some days I just don’t feel like I’m serving, you know? 1.2048 0.05073 83 68 13 2
2280 I found out my wife is seeing someone named Rocky Road. 1.2045 0.05152 88 73 12 3
2281 Yes doctor you’re right, I often feel completely whipped. 1.2045 0.05399 88 74 10 4
2282 And then she accused me of being soft in the head. 1.2045 0.05152 88 73 12 3
2283 It's a never ending brain freeze. 1.2045 0.04617 88 71 16 1
2284 My father says I'm too soft in the head. 1.2045 0.04891 88 72 14 2
2285 I had the nightmare where I'm frozen yogurt again. 1.2045 0.04891 88 72 14 2
2286 People keep telling me that I'm just plain vanilla. 1.2045 0.04617 88 71 16 1
2287 I don't know, I just feel like I have brain freeze all the time. 1.2045 0.05399 88 74 10 4
2288 I'm tired of taking a licking every day. 1.2045 0.05399 88 74 10 4
2289 Well… my friends say I’m whipped. 1.2045 0.05152 88 73 12 3
2290 Yesterday someone called me Taylor Swirl and I actually laughed. 1.2045 0.05152 88 73 12 3
2291 They've stopped screaming for me! 1.2043 0.05418 93 79 9 5
2292 I feel like I will never win the New Yorker caption conetes 1.2043 0.05630 93 80 7 6
2293 I can't stop all these thoughts from swirling around in my head! 1.2043 0.04727 93 76 15 2
2294 Sads cream 1.2043 0.04968 93 77 13 3
2295 Do something before I melt! 1.2043 0.04727 93 76 15 2
2296 Yes but how do I know when they lick me for ME? 1.2041 0.05016 98 82 12 4
2297 Sure, I knew what most people meant when they yelled "nuts." But there was always that one kid, you know? The one kid I just knew didn't mean what the others meant. 1.2041 0.04802 98 81 14 3
2298 She left me for a swirl. 1.2041 0.04577 98 80 16 2
2299 Call me a Softee, but this whole frozen yogurt thing has me twisted up inside. 1.2041 0.05016 98 82 12 4
2300 I just live with the constant fear that one day, it's all gonna just melt away. 1.2041 0.04802 98 81 14 3
2301 I wake up in the middle of the night and I scream… 1.2041 0.04802 98 81 14 3
2302 I'm having a hard time keeping a cool head 1.2041 0.05016 98 82 12 4
2303 Your rug looks like a fried egg flying saucer! 1.2039 0.04851 103 86 13 4
2304 The dry heat is OK here in Phoenix,but that humidity in Florida really sucks. 1.2039 0.05043 103 87 11 5
2305 I’m the secret love child of two Coneheads. 1.2039 0.04851 103 86 13 4
2306 I feel intimidated by Mr. Potato Head. 1.2039 0.04851 103 86 13 4
2307 There's this snippet of a melody. I can't get it out of my head. 1.2039 0.05043 103 87 11 5
2308 I scream! 1.2039 0.04221 103 83 19 1
2309 I always feel so cold. 1.2037 0.04315 108 88 18 2
2310 I don’t mind, really, but did it have to be vanilla? 1.2037 0.04511 108 89 16 3
2311 It all started when I was attacked by a radioactive fro-yo clerk... 1.2037 0.05223 108 93 8 7
2312 I had hoped it would be fun being the flavor of the week. 1.2037 0.04315 108 88 18 2
2313 Some say, I’m sweet. Others say I’m a softie. None of them ever sees a heart overflowing with mono and diglycerides, guar gum, carrageenan, and vitamin A palmitate. 1.2037 0.05054 108 92 10 6
2314 Viagra hasn’t helped. 1.2037 0.04511 108 89 16 3
2315 And in the dream my head completely melts... 1.2037 0.04110 108 87 20 1
2316 It all started when I lost my sprinkles… 1.2035 0.04383 113 93 17 3
2317 Oh, it was awful. They tried to dip my head in chocolate. That's when I ran. 1.2035 0.04560 113 94 15 4
2318 We were a perfect couple. Then, she met a guy with sprinkles. 1.2035 0.04894 113 96 11 6
2319 Doc, I think I’ve gone soft. 1.2035 0.04199 113 92 19 2
2320 I just don't understand why my friends only want to see me on hot days. 1.2034 0.04092 118 96 20 2
2321 I’ve changed my mind. I’m willing to try sprinkles. 1.2034 0.04432 118 98 16 4
2322 She said she wants to try a swirl. 1.2034 0.04265 118 97 18 3
2323 I keep having this horrible dream where I have a corn dog for a head. Crazy, right? 1.2025 0.04894 79 64 14 1
2324 They tried to lock me in a restaurant freezer. 1.2025 0.05518 79 66 10 3
2325 At prep school, the bullies on the tennis team kept calling me soft-serve. 1.2024 0.05297 84 70 11 3
2326 Why won’t people just shake hands? 1.2024 0.05297 84 70 11 3
2327 Dr., I'm tired of everyone thinking ' I'm 'Mr. Softie' 1.2024 0.05297 84 70 11 3
2328 I hate fucking sprinkles 1.2022 0.05099 89 74 12 3
2329 The "Mr. Softee" taunts have really messed with my head. 1.2022 0.05343 89 75 10 4
2330 No, my dad was Mister Softee. Call me Derek. 1.2022 0.04842 89 73 14 2
2331 Yes, I am soft in the head! But why do people assume I am stupid? 1.2022 0.05099 89 74 12 3
2332 I just can’t decide, am I sprinkles or dip-top 1.2022 0.04282 89 71 18 0
2333 Do you believe in predestination, Doctor? 1.2022 0.04842 89 73 14 2
2334 Why isn’t lactose intolerance a hate crime? 1.2021 0.04920 94 78 13 3
2335 I knew it couldn’t last after she melted my heart. 1.2021 0.04682 94 77 15 2
2336 Sorry. I just had a brain freeze. 1.2021 0.04682 94 77 15 2
2337 It's less a spiral than a swirl. 1.2021 0.04682 94 77 15 2
2338 Now Mr. Potato Head, how can I help you? 1.2021 0.04920 94 78 13 3
2339 Yes, my moniker has affected my ability to date women, 1.2021 0.04682 94 77 15 2
2340 My wife won’t let me forget it. 1.2021 0.04682 94 77 15 2
2341 I’m a natural chocolate, but I started dyeing my head after the emoji-that-must-not-be-named came out. 1.2021 0.04920 94 78 13 3
2342 Is everyone lactose intolerant or is it just me? 1.2021 0.04682 94 77 15 2
2343 When you’re just vanilla and not swirl, it’s like you always feel like you’re never quite enough. 1.2021 0.04682 94 77 15 2
2344 It’s the Lab puppy dream again! 1.2021 0.05147 94 79 11 4
2345 I have these horrible nightmares that I turn into a waffle cone…. 1.2021 0.04682 94 77 15 2
2346 People are always dressing me up. It’s like I’m not good enough as is. 1.2020 0.04758 99 82 14 3
2347 I keep hearing this silly little jingle that repeats and repeats. 1.2020 0.04969 99 83 12 4
2348 I don’t know where to begin, Doctor…my head’s a big swirl. 1.2020 0.04302 99 80 18 1
2349 Why is it,that in every relationship I am always the softee? 1.2020 0.05173 99 84 10 5
2350 Yeah? Can I blow your mind,Doc? I think your rug looks like an EGG! 1.2020 0.04969 99 83 12 4
2351 So how does Mrs. Softee feel about your brain freeze? 1.2020 0.05173 99 84 10 5
2352 It's like my brain just freezes. 1.2020 0.04758 99 82 14 3
2353 Sorry I’m so emotional today. But I know I’m not the first patient to drip on this couch. 1.2020 0.04536 99 81 16 2
2354 Very difficult to maintain a cool head 1.2020 0.05368 99 85 8 6
2355 How long has it been since your wife left you for a popsicle? 1.2020 0.04536 99 81 16 2
2356 They scream for me all day - of course, I’m having a meltdown! 1.2020 0.04536 99 81 16 2
2357 I feel like more a dairy office manager than a dairy queen. 1.2020 0.05173 99 84 10 5
2358 Just once I'd like to have an ice-cream headache. 1.2020 0.04758 99 82 14 3
2359 Some days I just wonder if I'm too plain vanilla. 1.2020 0.04969 99 83 12 4
2360 At the end of the day I'm just whipped, doctor. 1.2020 0.05173 99 84 10 5
2361 She was a nice person, but the whole evening was just plain vanilla 1.2020 0.04758 99 82 14 3
2362 Fro-yo?!! who even am I doc? 1.2020 0.04302 99 80 18 1
2363 I fall in love too easily. Some people call me an old softie. 1.2019 0.04402 104 85 17 2
2364 I feel my needs aren't being met when she sets the thermostat above 32 degrees. 1.2019 0.04402 104 85 17 2
2365 Mr. Softie does transplant? 1.2019 0.04808 104 87 13 4
2366 I need you to help me lick this brain freeze 1.2019 0.04402 104 85 17 2
2367 I’m telling you, they just won’t serve me there 1.2019 0.04609 104 86 15 3
2368 That was a rather frosty remark 1.2019 0.04609 104 86 15 3
2369 It’s as if I have permanent brain freeze. 1.2019 0.04998 104 88 11 5
2370 I feel like such a hypocrite since I found out I was lactose intolerant. 1.2019 0.04808 104 87 13 4
2371 It's hard to go on ... without sprinkles. 1.2018 0.04474 109 90 16 3
2372 Don't serve it to me softly, Doc. 1.2018 0.04474 109 90 16 3
2373 I freaked when she said she could eat me with a spoon. 1.2018 0.04839 109 92 12 5
2374 I have this recurring dream that I was once a sultan of Egypt! 1.2018 0.04474 109 90 16 3
2375 And now I fear my wife is seeing Mr. Hardee behind my back 1.2018 0.04839 109 92 12 5
2376 Umm, that's not how you use a condom 1.2018 0.04839 109 92 12 5
2377 Well, when you're Mr. Softee, people take advantage 1.2018 0.04524 114 95 15 4
2378 I really feel like a king rather than a dairy queen. 1.2017 0.04557 119 100 14 5
2379 She complained that I’m always soft! 1.2017 0.04398 119 99 16 4
2380 I feel like this job is eating away at me. 1.2016 0.04126 124 102 19 3
2381 I can always tell the juge that the music was what attracted the children. 1.2000 0.05097 95 80 11 4
2382 I don't know, I am afraid this will lead to another total meltdown. 1.2000 0.04714 100 83 14 3
2383 Please, don’t let me melt.. 1.2000 0.04264 100 81 18 1
2384 I have this constant brain freeze... 1.2000 0.04264 100 81 18 1
2385 You get bullied a lot when you are a Softee. 1.2000 0.04240 90 72 18 0
2386 People think I’m a softie. 1.2000 0.04872 95 79 13 3
2387 Caramelize this. 1.2000 0.04495 100 82 16 2
2388 I don't know why they always swipe left. 1.2000 0.04798 110 93 12 5
2389 It was tough growing up in a lactose intolerant neighborhood. 1.2000 0.04965 85 70 13 2
2390 I just can't get those songs out of my head. 1.2000 0.04872 95 79 13 3
2391 I know I'm loved, but it's eating me alive. 1.2000 0.04839 80 65 14 1
2392 All I ever heard was, 'your brother has more scoops, and sprinkles.' 1.2000 0.05311 105 91 7 7
2393 And then my dad said:"You're soft, and you'll always be soft". 1.2000 0.04839 80 65 14 1
2394 Why do I feel like you just licked my head? 1.2000 0.04134 115 94 19 2
2395 But soft-serve isn't REAL ice cream. 1.2000 0.05125 100 85 10 5
2396 I tend to keep a cool head but I have trouble with hot dates. 1.2000 0.03935 125 102 21 2
2397 Everything’s a whirl. 1.2000 0.04569 105 87 15 3
2398 I panic when they forecast sprinkles. 1.2000 0.04793 90 74 14 2
2399 The northern US has a winter demand problem. 1.2000 0.04969 110 94 10 6
2400 Does the constant brain freeze qualify for Worker’s Compensation? 1.2000 0.04495 100 82 16 2
2401 My mother was a lazy sundae 1.2000 0.04569 105 87 15 3
2402 I've had this headache my whole life. 1.2000 0.04924 100 84 12 4
2403 No one believes I can be woke and vanilla. 1.2000 0.05125 100 85 10 5
2404 You got to toughen up if you want to lose the nickname 1.2000 0.04364 105 86 17 2
2405 Sometimes I feel my brain is mush! 1.2000 0.04437 110 91 16 3
2406 It's not my IQ, it's my DQ. 1.2000 0.04965 85 70 13 2
2407 My doctor said it was just a brain freeze, but I think there’s something psychological at play here 1.2000 0.05737 80 68 8 4
2408 …and the truth is, I’m lactose intolerant.” 1.2000 0.04793 90 74 14 2
2409 I use to be hard-headed, full on Rocky Road... 1.2000 0.04637 95 78 15 2
2410 Nobody sees me as the action hero type. 1.2000 0.05695 75 63 9 3
2411 It's been 45 years, and that SNL sketch still hurts. 1.2000 0.05695 75 63 9 3
2412 I have nightmares about Dan Aykroyd and Jane Curtin. 1.2000 0.04495 100 82 16 2
2413 Keeping a cool head just isn't working,Doc. 1.2000 0.04495 100 82 16 2
2414 I know I'm a Softee, Doc, but if I were just not plain vanilla. 1.2000 0.05369 75 62 11 2
2415 Doctor, I know when I'm licked. 1.2000 0.05239 85 71 11 3
2416 I can't overcome this feeling that a dairy queen is ruling over me. 1.2000 0.04924 100 84 12 4
2417 Besides the constant brain freeze, everyone keeps throwing sprinkles at me. 1.2000 0.04924 100 84 12 4
2418 So how long have you been experiencing brain freeze? 1.2000 0.05454 80 67 10 3
2419 I told my family doctor that I keep having ice cream headaches, but he told me that is all in my head. 1.2000 0.04244 110 90 18 2
2420 I told you Jeremy that you are what you eat..... 1.2000 0.04965 85 70 13 2
2421 There’s no way I could stay in the closet. 1.2000 0.04714 100 83 14 3
2422 My wife is kosher. My sex life is a disaster. 1.2000 0.05311 105 91 7 7
2423 My wife says I'm a big softee, doc. 1.2000 0.04264 100 81 18 1
2424 And then she said you're not the flavor of the week anymore! 1.2000 0.04924 100 84 12 4
2425 It was supposed to be the perfect summer wedding. I guess she just got cold feet. 1.2000 0.04364 105 86 17 2
2426 I have too much going on in my head doc 1.2000 0.05047 90 75 12 3
2427 People think I’m as cold as ice, but deep down I’m really a softie. 1.2000 0.04714 100 83 14 3
2428 It just wasn't what I was expecting when you said to keep a cool head. 1.2000 0.04244 110 90 18 2
2429 Coneheads? Not funny. 1.2000 0.04264 100 81 18 1
2430 ‘Nobody calls me ‘Mister Softee’ anymore. It’s all ‘Yo, Softee!’ It seems so disrespectful.’ 1.2000 0.05737 80 68 8 4
2431 It just feels like I’ve always been twisted. 1.2000 0.04437 110 91 16 3
2432 My wife loves chocolate swirl more than me." 1.1982 0.04400 111 92 16 3
2433 Plain white is dignified, but my wife suggests a two-tone swirl. 1.1982 0.04582 111 93 14 4
2434 I’ve lost my sprinkles I 1.1981 0.04327 106 87 17 2
2435 Doc, I've taken my share of licks in this world. But that's not why I'm here. What's really bothering me is that I am just sick of being the "flavor of the month" with my girlfriends. 1.1981 0.04724 106 89 13 4
2436 There’s always somebody out to get me. 1.1981 0.04911 106 90 11 5
2437 I seem to be experiencing perpetual brain freeze 1.1981 0.04911 106 90 11 5
2438 I scream on a daily basis doc 1.1981 0.04114 106 86 19 1
2439 I think women pre-judge me. 1.1980 0.04454 101 83 16 2
2440 And when in childhood did you lose your sprinkles? 1.1980 0.04879 101 85 12 4
2441 Everybody thinks I'm just a softie. 1.1980 0.05269 101 87 8 6
2442 I know this is going to sound twisted. . . 1.1980 0.04879 101 85 12 4
2443 It feels like everyone just wants to get in their licks. 1.1980 0.04879 101 85 12 4
2444 People think I am cold 1.1980 0.04671 101 84 14 3
2445 I have a constant ice headache. 1.1980 0.04671 101 84 14 3
2446 I know I’m soft in the head. Steven Scher, Brookline, MA 1.1980 0.04454 101 83 16 2
2447 It’s like I always have this incredible ice-cream headache. 1.1980 0.04879 101 85 12 4
2448 Everyone makes fun of my bow tie. 1.1979 0.05048 96 81 11 4
2449 What bothers me most is when people ask if I give myself “brain freeze.” 1.1979 0.04348 96 78 17 1
2450 Sometimes I feel that people take advantage of me--that I'm just a big softie. 1.1979 0.04348 96 78 17 1
2451 Every time I hear ice cream truck music, I can't help feeling agitated. 1.1979 0.05048 96 81 11 4
2452 She said that I was just too...vanilla. 1.1979 0.04826 96 80 13 3
2453 At home, I was always the one that got a licking. 1.1979 0.04826 96 80 13 3
2454 So much for your counsel to always keep my cool. 1.1979 0.04826 96 80 13 3
2455 …the same silly tune plays over and over, and I’m being chased by dozens of children… 1.1979 0.05048 96 81 11 4
2456 It’s just that I sense everyone wants to lick me. 1.1979 0.04826 96 80 13 3
2457 I'm tired of being called "Mister Conehead" 1.1979 0.04826 96 80 13 3
2458 I just can’t get it through my head that summer’s over. 1.1979 0.04826 96 80 13 3
2459 Why did you leave her at the alter? First I had cold feet, now I think it all went to my head. 1.1979 0.04826 96 80 13 3
2460 It's hard to explain soft. 1.1979 0.05048 96 81 11 4
2461 I have this recurring dream about a cherry. 1.1979 0.05261 96 82 9 5
2462 Then she told me I was too vanilla for her. 1.1979 0.04348 96 78 17 1
2463 Our company has some strange requirements for getting ahead. 1.1978 0.04745 91 75 14 2
2464 And, they also used to say I don't have good humor. 1.1978 0.04480 91 74 16 1
2465 Sometimes the heat gets to be too much for me, you know? 1.1978 0.04745 91 75 14 2
2466 I'm not sure I should share this with you... It's kind of twisted. 1.1978 0.04996 91 76 12 3
2467 It's really hard being a cake cone in a waffle cone world. 1.1978 0.04745 91 75 14 2
2468 Every time I try to qualify for Jeopardy I have a brain freeze. 1.1978 0.04199 91 73 18 0
2469 I mean if I'm so "sweet," why can't I ever get a second date? 1.1978 0.04996 91 76 12 3
2470 It's natural for cream to rise to the top; it's the swirl we have to get to the bottom of. 1.1978 0.04745 91 75 14 2
2471 I’m feeling so whipped lately. 1.1978 0.05463 91 78 8 5
2472 I'm afraid it's a meltdown! 1.1978 0.04480 91 74 16 1
2473 ...And that's why I hate summer. 1.1978 0.04745 91 75 14 2
2474 I’m having trouble getting hard. 1.1978 0.04199 91 73 18 0
2475 Doc, I feel like a real shithead. 1.1978 0.05682 91 79 6 6
2476 I have this recurring dream of being dipped in chocolate. 1.1977 0.05183 86 72 11 3
2477 People say I leave them feeling cold. 1.1977 0.04912 86 71 13 2
2478 People keep asking me if I am Dan Ackroyd. 1.1977 0.04912 86 71 13 2
2479 I can’t get that horrible tune out of my head! 1.1977 0.04912 86 71 13 2
2480 How can I speak freely when I have a splitting ice cream headache and there's a giant fried egg on the floor. 1.1977 0.05441 86 73 9 4
2481 I have this dream in which I see this huge tongue approaching and I can’t escape. 1.1977 0.05441 86 73 9 4
2482 I aways feel like a big dip. 1.1977 0.05687 86 74 7 5
2483 My mom's a queen and dad's a conehead. 1.1977 0.04625 86 70 15 1
2484 Dr.,I‘m worried… I think I’ve gone soft in the head! 1.1977 0.04625 86 70 15 1
2485 I’m worried people are already forgetting about me. 1.1977 0.04912 86 71 13 2
2486 My father was lactose intolerant. 1.1975 0.04785 81 66 14 1
2487 So, you are here because you are about to melt down… 1.1975 0.05098 81 67 12 2
2488 She says I’m too vanilla. How is that even possible? 1.1975 0.05098 81 67 12 2
2489 I have this tune I just can't get out of my head. 1.1974 0.05626 76 64 9 3
2490 Frozen yogurt. I hate it when I hear it. 1.1974 0.05305 76 63 11 2
2491 I feel like I'm starting to have a meltdown. 1.1967 0.04454 122 103 14 5
2492 Drumstick is so handsome with the chocolate shell and nuts... he has it all. 1.1966 0.04247 117 97 17 3
2493 Is it normal for me to be in love with a sherbet? 1.1964 0.04718 112 95 12 5
2494 Sometimes I feel like such a drip. 1.1963 0.04491 107 89 15 3
2495 Mr. Softee! Mr. Softee! Mr. Softee was my father — I am Charles. 1.1963 0.04290 107 88 17 2
2496 I just hear the theme from the sting...over and over. 1.1963 0.04683 107 90 13 4
2497 I want to be loved for my body and not just for my head. 1.1963 0.04290 107 88 17 2
2498 I feel I’m a little soft. 1.1961 0.05031 102 87 10 5
2499 Doc, don't tell me you left the heat on... 1.1961 0.04629 102 85 14 3
2500 It wasn't meant to be, she's lactose intolerant. 1.1961 0.04629 102 85 14 3
2501 And then he said: "Takes a licking but keeps on ticking. 1.1961 0.04415 102 84 16 2
2502 My biggest fear is global warming 1.1961 0.04415 102 84 16 2
2503 I have this recurring dream that I’m on Saturday Night Live 1.1961 0.04415 102 84 16 2
2504 Soft serve. Why do they have to call me soft serve? 1.1961 0.04189 102 83 18 1
2505 I never minded when the ladies called Mr. Softee until I realized they weren't referring to my head. 1.1961 0.04835 102 86 12 4
2506 These thoughts of revenge are swirling around in my head. 1.1961 0.04629 102 85 14 3
2507 My life isn't worth a lick! 1.1961 0.04415 102 84 16 2
2508 I know I haven’t dated in awhile but when she said she couldn’t wait to lick me, I just fell apart. 1.1961 0.04835 102 86 12 4
2509 I just find it hard to believe that licking me is a viable treatment 1.1959 0.04780 97 81 13 3
2510 I have never accepted my mango taste 1.1959 0.04780 97 81 13 3
2511 I feel like I'm melting. 1.1959 0.04550 97 80 15 2
2512 I hate it when people ask if they can lick my hair. 1.1959 0.04308 97 79 17 1
2513 They all say I’m soft. 1.1959 0.04780 97 81 13 3
2514 You know, being an ice cream cone head is not all it’s whipped up to be. 1.1959 0.04308 97 79 17 1
2515 I want to transition to a real Conehead. 1.1959 0.04550 97 80 15 2
2516 How would you like it if people called you Egghead? 1.1959 0.04051 97 78 19 0
2517 I get depressed when summer ends. 1.1959 0.04550 97 80 15 2
2518 I keep losing friends to global warming but I don't think the science proves anything yet. 1.1959 0.04780 97 81 13 3
2519 Clearly a case of brain freeze 1.1959 0.04780 97 81 13 3
2520 It’s a Sunday kind of love. 1.1959 0.04308 97 79 17 1
2521 I'm afraid my wife thinks I'm vanilla... 1.1959 0.05000 97 82 11 4
2522 Doc, I hear that song more than 2000 times a day. Of course I'm getting a little soft in the head. 1.1959 0.04780 97 81 13 3
2523 Sprinkles…I just keep seeing sprinkles! 1.1959 0.04780 97 81 13 3
2524 plain vanilla meltdown 1.1958 0.03877 143 119 20 4
2525 The rug is an egg and the curtains remind me of supressed trauma from my youth. 1.1957 0.05407 92 79 8 5
2526 So I come home early from work one day and there she is, in bed with a waffle cone! 1.1957 0.04946 92 77 12 3
2527 So you have nightmares about your mother being licked . 1.1957 0.04698 92 76 14 2
2528 I'm worried I've gone soft." 1.1957 0.04437 92 75 16 1
2529 When I was young everyone loved vanilla! 1.1957 0.04946 92 77 12 3
2530 Mr. Frosty is my Father, please call me Bill. 1.1957 0.04946 92 77 12 3
2531 I keep asking myself: Is it too much, or just enough? 1.1957 0.05182 92 78 10 4
2532 No, Doc, I scream. 1.1957 0.04698 92 76 14 2
2533 It was supposed to be chocolate, not vanilla. 1.1957 0.04159 92 74 18 0
2534 Being the Ice Cream Man isn't as fulfilling as you might think. 1.1957 0.04698 92 76 14 2
2535 This bee hive doo has got to go. 1.1957 0.04946 92 77 12 3
2536 I feel I should soft serve a higher purpose. 1.1954 0.04861 87 72 13 2
2537 Why Lachlan and not me? 1.1954 0.05383 87 74 9 4
2538 Jimmies. Sprinkles. What’s the point, you know? 1.1954 0.05383 87 74 9 4
2539 The Bikram Yoga instructor called me a hot mess. 1.1954 0.05383 87 74 9 4
2540 Sometimes it feels like it's all in my head. 1.1954 0.04578 87 71 15 1
2541 I can take the ridicule—it’s the brain freeze that gets me down. 1.1954 0.05128 87 73 11 3
2542 My head’s in such a swirl. 1.1954 0.04861 87 72 13 2
2543 I’m worried the success is starting to go to my head. 1.1954 0.04578 87 71 15 1
2544 I fear she is in it for my head. Who knows if she really loves me. 1.1951 0.05041 82 68 12 2
2545 What seems to be the problem, Mr. Conehead? Do you have "brain-freeze"? 1.1951 0.04107 123 102 18 3
2546 Doctor, I can't feel my legs. 1.1951 0.05041 82 68 12 2
2547 I don't understand why I have chronic brain freeze. 1.1951 0.05331 82 69 10 3
2548 It’s always the same dream. I’m in sixth grade math class dressed as an ice cream sandwich. 1.1949 0.04214 118 98 17 3
2549 I really should have eaten before I started my next session. 1.1948 0.05242 77 64 11 2
2550 Everyone thinks I'm just a big Softee. 1.1948 0.04905 77 63 13 1
2551 Can't get that song out of my head 1.1948 0.05558 77 65 9 3
2552 Mr. Peanut gets dates. Tony the Tiger gets dates. The Jolly Green Giant gets dates... 1.1948 0.05857 77 66 7 4
2553 My mother was a softie. 1.1948 0.05242 77 64 11 2
2554 Viagra and therapy haven't helped... I'm still Mr. Softee. 1.1948 0.05857 77 66 7 4
2555 I can’t melt down 1.1948 0.04543 77 62 15 0
2556 . . . and unexplained headaches. 1.1948 0.05242 77 64 11 2
2557 Lately, I can’t tolerate myself. 1.1948 0.05857 77 66 7 4
2558 off the top of my head, I can’t think of a reason for my latest meltdown 1.1948 0.04905 77 63 13 1
2559 What's the scoop, Doc? 1.1947 0.04508 113 95 14 4
2560 "...and then there's Gelato!" 1.1947 0.03947 113 92 20 1
2561 It's hard being a softee in a hard-pack world. 1.1947 0.04142 113 93 18 2
2562 My wife left me. She says I'm too vanilla. 1.1944 0.04453 108 90 15 3
2563 I just freeze up when I think about it... 1.1944 0.04453 108 90 15 3
2564 My father always said I was soft. 1.1944 0.04254 108 89 17 2
2565 I just want to twist like I did last summer! 1.1944 0.04254 108 89 17 2
2566 I don't know doc, it's all a swirl up there. 1.1944 0.04643 108 91 13 4
2567 I feel so plain. 1.1942 0.04791 103 87 12 4
2568 My girlfriend hates that I have to be Mr. Softee All. The. Time. 1.1942 0.04376 103 85 16 2
2569 I keep attracting women for the wrong reasons. 1.1942 0.04791 103 87 12 4
2570 The headache just never goes away. 1.1942 0.04376 103 85 16 2
2571 I don’t mind the way it looks, it’s the constant licking that is driving me crazy. 1.1942 0.04588 103 86 14 3
2572 Those Ice Cream Headaches are getting to me! 1.1942 0.04791 103 87 12 4
2573 People say I’m cold-blooded. 1.1942 0.04376 103 85 16 2
2574 No, it feels like more than a brain freeze. 1.1942 0.04588 103 86 14 3
2575 I feel like I am on the verge of a meltdown, doctor. 1.1942 0.04588 103 86 14 3
2576 Whenever I close my eyes, Doc… it’s all I see… my Uncle’s tongue. Licking! Licking! Licking! 1.1942 0.04153 103 84 18 1
2577 I feel like everyone wants to take a lick at me! 1.1940 0.04554 134 116 10 8
2578 It's just that the other coneheads think I'm soft. 1.1939 0.04268 98 80 17 1
2579 And then I wake up screaming. 1.1939 0.04953 98 83 11 4
2580 Can you switch me to a different antidepressant? My wife keeps calling me Mr. Softee. 1.1939 0.04735 98 82 13 3
2581 Do you know how it feels to constantly melt down 1.1939 0.04735 98 82 13 3
2582 My life is meaningless -- I'm not gluten-free, dairy-free, or organic. 1.1939 0.04735 98 82 13 3
2583 I’m just plain old boring vanilla, nobody wants me 1.1939 0.04508 98 81 15 2
2584 My wife told me to come, she thinks I am identifying too much with the Cone-heads on SNL." Tracy Brown, San Rafael, CA 1.1939 0.04508 98 81 15 2
2585 I hate this Summer, because I just keep having these random meltdowns! 1.1939 0.04268 98 80 17 1
2586 Sometimes I just feel frozen out. 1.1939 0.04268 98 80 17 1
2587 Sometimes I feel like my head is melting, you know? 1.1939 0.04508 98 81 15 2
2588 I wanted to bring the Coneheads back to #SNL with a new twist, but they just weren’t interested. 1.1939 0.04735 98 82 13 3
2589 Am I a twist? A swirl? Or plain old soft serve? I’m so conflicted 1.1939 0.04508 98 81 15 2
2590 I just feel myself dripping away ya know? 1.1935 0.04394 93 76 16 1
2591 First it was Mr. Cone Head, then Mr. Softee. I am about to have a meltdown. 1.1935 0.04897 93 78 12 3
2592 Sure, they’re always happy to see me at first, but it never lasts long. 1.1935 0.04897 93 78 12 3
2593 Is this It, doc, or is there icing on the cake? 1.1935 0.04652 93 77 14 2
2594 My wife keeps accusing me of waffling. 1.1935 0.04394 93 76 16 1
2595 I think antifreeze will be more effective than antidepressants 1.1935 0.04652 93 77 14 2
2596 Yeah, but they think I'm ALWAYS 'Mister Softee' ... 1.1935 0.04394 93 76 16 1
2597 I've looked everywhere and just can't find the right hat. 1.1935 0.04652 93 77 14 2
2598 Soft in the head? Thanks, Doc, for your insight. 1.1935 0.04652 93 77 14 2
2599 First, could you maybe turn up the air conditioner? 1.1935 0.04119 93 75 18 0
2600 Then she said there was an unmistakable chill in our relationship. 1.1935 0.05130 93 79 10 4
2601 After that, I wasn't a softie anymore. 1.1935 0.04652 93 77 14 2
2602 I had that dream again. The one where I scream, you scream, we all scream. 1.1935 0.05130 93 79 10 4
2603 Most days I can’t leave the house without sprinkles 1.1935 0.04394 93 76 16 1
2604 I sick of being called cone head 1.1935 0.04394 93 76 16 1
2605 It might be a good idea to turn down the temperature first. 1.1935 0.04394 93 76 16 1
2606 Do you think my brain freeze will ever pass? 1.1935 0.04394 93 76 16 1
2607 It's been so long. I can't even remember the last time I got dipped." 1.1935 0.05353 93 80 8 5
2608 Doc, you think I'm headed for a meltdown? 1.1935 0.04119 93 75 18 0
2609 It's so unfair, she always says I'm a hot head! 1.1933 0.04182 119 99 17 3
2610 I cant seem to ignore climate warming 1.1933 0.04182 119 99 17 3
2611 I fell in love with a diabetic. 1.1932 0.05566 88 76 7 5
2612 Saturday Night Live? I loved the Conehead skits. 1.1932 0.05075 88 74 11 3
2613 I really liked the old cone head better. 1.1932 0.05075 88 74 11 3
2614 And I feel inferior whenever people mention the Italian gelato... 1.1932 0.05075 88 74 11 3
2615 They've replaced me with Ben and Jerry's! 1.1932 0.05075 88 74 11 3
2616 There's this jingle I just can't get out of my head. 1.1932 0.04810 88 73 13 2
2617 …and, every time, doc, my hard won victories just seem to melt away. 1.1932 0.04531 88 72 15 1
2618 And then she melted... 1.1932 0.04531 88 72 15 1
2619 I feel like I'm constantly on the verge of a meltdown. 1.1932 0.04810 88 73 13 2
2620 Then some guy scooped her up right in front of me. 1.1932 0.04810 88 73 13 2
2621 I feel like I have brain freeze. 1.1932 0.05566 88 76 7 5
2622 I must be anxious; my thoughts seem to swirl and freeze. 1.1932 0.04810 88 73 13 2
2623 ...and then the machine broke. 1.1932 0.04531 88 72 15 1
2624 Mainly it's the darn Brain Freeze I can't seem to shake. 1.1930 0.04471 114 96 14 4
2625 I hear the whispers. "Mechanical malfunction." What does that even mean? 1.1928 0.04985 83 69 12 2
2626 Everybody thinks I'm a softy . 1.1928 0.04681 83 68 14 1
2627 Don't soft serve me your diagnosis, Doc. 1.1928 0.04681 83 68 14 1
2628 Do you think I’m showing signs of vanility? 1.1928 0.05272 83 70 10 3
2629 All I've ever wanted was to be hugged, but all I get is licks. 1.1928 0.05272 83 70 10 3
2630 Sometimes I feel like I'm just melting into the background. 1.1928 0.04681 83 68 14 1
2631 The wife says I’m too vanilla.” 1.1928 0.04681 83 68 14 1
2632 I find myself increasingly concerned about global warming. 1.1928 0.05272 83 70 10 3
2633 So why medication rather than long-term therapy? 1.1928 0.05544 83 71 8 4
2634 I mean, ‘conehead’? Really? 1.1928 0.04985 83 69 12 2
2635 And I’ve been in a brain freeze ever since 1.1928 0.05272 83 70 10 3
2636 The cold hard facts are no match for the charm of the cherry on top 1.1927 0.04416 109 91 15 3
2637 I start thinking and my head hurts, like my brain is freezing! 1.1927 0.04416 109 91 15 3
2638 You can't tell by looking at me, but I feel empty inside. 1.1927 0.04604 109 92 13 4
2639 Everybody's hiring chocolate. 1.1927 0.04219 109 90 17 2
2640 I’ve got a lot swirling around my head. 1.1927 0.04416 109 91 15 3
2641 My father always called me soft… 1.1927 0.04219 109 90 17 2
2642 I am not a cone head, you are! 1.1923 0.04548 104 87 14 3
2643 My brain is really iced! 1.1923 0.04117 104 85 18 1
2644 I'm learning acceptance. I don't give a lick. 1.1923 0.05492 78 66 9 3
2645 When can I get my depression licked? 1.1923 0.04848 78 64 13 1
2646 I just keep freezing up. 1.1923 0.04338 104 86 16 2
2647 I feel sad that I never made it as a tennis pro. 1.1923 0.05180 78 65 11 2
2648 All my life I’ve been known as a smoothie but I’ve always identified as a tall non fat latte with extra whip 1.1923 0.04941 104 89 10 5
2649 Ben and Jerry are fucking each other. 1.1923 0.04941 104 89 10 5
2650 I appreciate the offer, doc, but shouldn’t I learn to lick my own problems 1.1919 0.04691 99 83 13 3
2651 It's very depressing to always be told that I'm soft in the head. 1.1919 0.04466 99 82 15 2
2652 Doc, I just don’t think I’ll ever get that big promotion. The other fellas at the office are all classic double or triple scoopers. Compared to them, I look soft. 1.1919 0.04906 99 84 11 4
2653 My head's just been swirling lately. 1.1919 0.04229 99 81 17 1
2654 I know, I know. Masculinity is in crisis. But I've always been a softie. 1.1919 0.04691 99 83 13 3
2655 All my life, no mater what I do, I'm always Mr. Softee.” 1.1919 0.04906 99 84 11 4
2656 Doc, it feels like my brain is constantly frozen. 1.1919 0.04229 99 81 17 1
2657 I’m okay with the bow tie and the formal gloves - it’s the dippy hat that torments me. 1.1919 0.04691 99 83 13 3
2658 I keep hearing the same song, over and over… 1.1919 0.04691 99 83 13 3
2659 Could we try something different this time. This one made me the center of attention but did little for my self esteem. 1.1919 0.04691 99 83 13 3
2660 Then she left a scooper on the counter. Right where I could see it. 1.1919 0.04466 99 82 15 2
2661 But I always wanted to be a prosecutor 1.1919 0.04691 99 83 13 3
2662 I know they say you are what you eat, but I never thought it would go this far. 1.1918 0.05740 73 62 8 3
2663 I try to comfort myself with the knowledge that at least I'm not bald 1.1918 0.05740 73 62 8 3
2664 I know. I know. Sometimes a softy is just an ice cream. 1.1918 0.06062 73 63 6 4
2665 I don't want to whipped anymore 1.1915 0.04607 94 78 14 2
2666 I consistently get brain freeze. 1.1915 0.04607 94 78 14 2
2667 It’s hard to get dates when your name is Mr. Softee. 1.1915 0.05079 94 80 10 4
2668 My life story is chilling! 1.1915 0.04351 94 77 16 1
2669 And they always expect me to be the one with a cool head in a crisis. 1.1915 0.04607 94 78 14 2
2670 You were wrong, Doc! Cooler heads DON’T prevail. 1.1915 0.05300 94 81 8 5
2671 I'm learning to set boundaries when people want to lick my hair. 1.1915 0.04351 94 77 16 1
2672 Sometimes I feel like I’m just melting into oblivion. 1.1915 0.05079 94 80 10 4
2673 "Then she said our love making is so "vanilla'". Vanilla? Who is Vanilla? I'm Pistachio!" 1.1915 0.04849 94 79 12 3
2674 Doc, I'm afraid my thoughts are getting a bit too frosty lately. 1.1915 0.04351 94 77 16 1
2675 Just once I want to be hard-headed. 1.1915 0.05300 94 81 8 5
2676 Everyone thinks I'm chill. But I don't FEEL chill. 1.1915 0.04080 94 76 18 0
2677 I’m just having a hard time realizing summer is over. 1.1915 0.04607 94 78 14 2
2678 I’m not into licking fetishes but I keep meeting people who are 1.1915 0.04351 94 77 16 1
2679 I know cooler heads should prevail, but there are limits. 1.1915 0.04607 94 78 14 2
2680 My descent into soft-serve began with cotton candy. 1.1910 0.05270 89 76 9 4
2681 Father was a Toughy. 1.1910 0.04485 89 73 15 1
2682 So you think if I get a blender and add milk I can shake this brain freeze? 1.1910 0.05270 89 76 9 4
2683 But how can I ever get a date when my name is Mr. Softee? 1.1910 0.05022 89 75 11 3
2684 I'm just don't think I can take one more licking, Doc! 1.1910 0.04761 89 74 13 2
2685 Doc, I don't want to be pushed around, but I'm such a softee. 1.1910 0.05270 89 76 9 4
2686 I’m really tired of being called Dairy King! 1.1910 0.05022 89 75 11 3
2687 Does Kanye like ice cream? 1.1910 0.04485 89 73 15 1
2688 It's either existential dread or a brain freeze. 1.1910 0.04761 89 74 13 2
2689 I'm not sure what the point is. 1.1910 0.04485 89 73 15 1
2690 She was just like my mom, so cold to me. 1.1910 0.04485 89 73 15 1
2691 Global warming, lactose intolerance, Ozempic... I just need a break! 1.1910 0.04485 89 73 15 1
2692 Hey Doc, sometimes I lose my head when I get heated, I don't know if you can see it 1.1909 0.04565 110 93 13 4
2693 I'm telling you, doctor, they're all screaming for me! 1.1905 0.04631 84 69 14 1
2694 Everyone assumes I’m Jewish just because my last name’s Cone. 1.1905 0.05482 84 72 8 4
2695 I don’t know why I’m troubled; I always have a cool head. 1.1905 0.04300 105 87 16 2
2696 When I lay my head down at night, all I hear is the screaming. 1.1905 0.04631 84 69 14 1
2697 Chocolate, of course, but when it comes to sprinkles I get all confused. 1.1905 0.04931 84 70 12 2
2698 How in the world can my girl friend call me a hothead? 1.1905 0.04707 105 89 12 4
2699 Ben? Jerry? Baskin? Robbin? I mean, who am I really? 1.1905 0.04508 105 88 14 3
2700 Needless to say, "Mrs" Softee is not at all amused by the irony. 1.1905 0.04897 105 90 10 5
2701 The ironic thing is I'm lactose intolerant. 1.1905 0.04931 84 70 12 2
2702 I wouldn't say freeze, per se.... 1.1905 0.04310 84 68 16 0
2703 No, you can't have 'just a taste'. 1.1900 0.05064 100 86 9 5
2704 I’m terrified of dogs, children, and global warming. 1.1900 0.04648 100 84 13 3
2705 I have this incredible urge to be licked and consumed. Am I sex fiend Doc? 1.1900 0.04648 100 84 13 3
2706 They think I am plain vanilla! 1.1900 0.04191 100 82 17 1
2707 Doctor, I feel like I’ve got a brain freeze 1.1900 0.04861 100 85 11 4
2708 And then she said, "You are what you eat." 1.1900 0.04426 100 83 15 2
2709 I have this constant fear that everyone around me is lactose intolerant. 1.1900 0.04191 100 82 17 1
2710 I have this constant ice cream headache. 1.1900 0.04648 100 84 13 3
2711 I’m terrified of jimmy’s 1.1900 0.04191 100 82 17 1
2712 What if I’d rather be the “bad boy” type that the soft and sweet guy? 1.1900 0.04191 100 82 17 1
2713 Do you offer conitive flavoral therapy?” 1.1900 0.04648 100 84 13 3
2714 I think down deep there's a scoop in me somewhere. 1.1900 0.04861 100 85 11 4
2715 And then things took a dip. 1.1900 0.04426 100 83 15 2
2716 Tell me more about this moment when your brain froze 1.1900 0.04648 100 84 13 3
2717 I can’t be everything to everybody. 1.1900 0.04426 100 83 15 2
2718 My heads in a swirl, doc 1.1900 0.05064 100 86 9 5
2719 All of my softness is considered weakness 1.1899 0.05120 79 66 11 2
2720 I just don't feel like being a softy anymore ! 1.1899 0.04792 79 65 13 1
2721 I don't know why, but I keep getting brain freeze. 1.1899 0.05428 79 67 9 3
2722 You have NO idea of the upkeep for hair like this. 1.1899 0.05428 79 67 9 3
2723 And on Sunday I wear my banana split. 1.1899 0.05120 79 66 11 2
2724 I feel like such a failure...my mother was a baked Alaska at Delmonico's. 1.1899 0.05428 79 67 9 3
2725 My mother was very cold. 1.1899 0.04792 79 65 13 1
2726 The brain freeze is unbearable. 1.1897 0.03855 116 95 20 1
2727 It's not easy always being soft. 1.1895 0.04310 95 78 16 1
2728 All I ever hear is Dairy Queen. Why can’t I be a Dairy King? 1.1895 0.05030 95 81 10 4
2729 If I eat too fast, I get a headache. 1.1895 0.04802 95 80 12 3
2730 The real problem is this constant headache. 1.1895 0.04563 95 79 14 2
2731 I just can’t seem to focus on anything nowadays. It’s like my head is constantly spinning. 1.1895 0.04802 95 80 12 3
2732 My childhood was a rocky road. My father was always cold and said I was too soft. 1.1895 0.04310 95 78 16 1
2733 Does it feel like you’re swirling or spiraling out of control? 1.1895 0.04802 95 80 12 3
2734 My father says I'm soft. 1.1894 0.04043 132 111 17 4
2735 I don’t mind the licking, as long as I am allowed to lick them back. 1.1892 0.05331 74 62 10 2
2736 One screamed, then another, then they all started screaming… 1.1892 0.05667 74 63 8 3
2737 These twisted thoughts swirling around my head make me want to scream 1.1892 0.06287 74 65 4 5
2738 It’s just not fair because if I scream, then I’m a narcissist. 1.1892 0.05985 74 64 6 4
2739 It all started when I misheard my mom say "Fairy Queen" 1.1889 0.04713 90 75 13 2
2740 I wish when we made love that she wouldn’t call me by formal name. 1.1889 0.04440 90 74 15 1
2741 My boyfriend says I'm way too vanilla. 1.1889 0.04713 90 75 13 2
2742 My wife complains that I'm too self-indulgent. 1.1889 0.04440 90 74 15 1
2743 I need to understand why my mother was so cold to me. 1.1889 0.04713 90 75 13 2
2744 I'm just not feeling frosty. 1.1889 0.04713 90 75 13 2
2745 My love life is terrible. Every time my wife kisses me,she gets a headache. 1.1889 0.04970 90 76 11 3
2746 what the world needs now is "Let-Me-Lick-You" therapy 1.1889 0.04970 90 76 11 3
2747 People say I look like my dad but I don't really know- he melted before I was born 1.1889 0.04970 90 76 11 3
2748 That crazy bastard, Spumoni, makes me feel so plain. 1.1889 0.04713 90 75 13 2
2749 She said I was just too soft to satisfy her. 1.1889 0.05450 90 78 7 5
2750 My time is up?? My head hasn't even melted. 1.1889 0.04970 90 76 11 3