Contest #833


Cartoon

833

The winning captions

These captions are chosen by The New Yorker.

  1. “It’s usually noninvasive.”
  2. “Of course, you’ll be strapped to a spinning wheel during the actual procedure.”
  3. “We’ve had trouble finding your vein.”


Name Value
Submission deadline 2023-01-09T02:09:00.000Z
Voting started -
Voting ended 2023-01-23T02:10:00.000Z
Finalists announced 2023-01-17T02:10:00.000Z
Magazine(s) announcing finalists issued January 23, 2023
Number of captions 6945
Number of responses 809874
Number of participants -


Dashboard

In this table, the "mean" means the empirically measured average funniness score when the "unfunny", "somewhat funny" and "funny" receive a funniness score of 1, 2, 3 respectively. "Precison" is the standard error of the mean, the standard deviation of the mean estimate. With that, a caption with an empirical mean μ and precision σ has true mean in the range [μ - 2σ, μ + 2σ] with 95% probability by the 68-95-99.7 rule assuming the responses are indepedent and identically distributed.

Rank Caption Mean Precision Total votes "Unfunny" votes "Somewhat funny" votes "Funny" votes
0 This is the option covered by your insurance 1.8429 0.01659 2393 1005 759 629
1 It’s going to work a lot faster than the prune juice. 1.8251 0.01595 2670 1181 775 714
2 We find it works quicker than the laxative 1.8237 0.02219 1310 558 425 327
3 Or we could go with diet and exercise... 1.8189 0.02008 1513 623 541 349
4 So if I do this right you shouldn’t feel a thing. 1.8103 0.02440 991 404 371 216
5 There was a little mix-up here. Dr. Mason is an osteopath. I’m Dr. Manson, a psychopath. 1.8032 0.01372 3700 1723 982 995
6 As you can see, I am board certified. 1.7865 0.03061 665 293 221 151
7 You may feel a little prick. 1.7850 0.01861 1679 707 626 346
8 Of course if you’d like to give the blood, urine and stool samples the usual way, that’s totally up to you. 1.7737 0.01600 2497 1144 774 579
9 It’s usually non-invasive. 1.7706 0.01292 3439 1472 1284 683
10 It's only surgery if I miss. 1.7694 0.01467 2736 1194 981 562
11 Okay, now let’s recheck that blood pressure. 1.7688 0.01650 2111 907 785 419
12 It cures all kinds of ailments. The last patient had constipation. No longer a problem. 1.7658 0.01626 2387 1098 750 539
13 Okay, the hiccups are gone. Now let's talk about your anxiety. 1.7644 0.01554 2402 1046 876 480
14 Your HMO said this is the only procedure covered under your plan. 1.7593 0.01603 2410 1106 778 526
15 This should get those bowels moving. 1.7552 0.02573 960 451 293 216
16 We've found it's a much more effective stress test than a treadmill. 1.7536 0.01665 2143 965 741 437
17 Of course, with insurance you’d get a surgeon”. 1.7426 0.02177 1255 576 426 253
18 If they land inside the outline, it's called acupuncture. 1.7415 0.01845 1745 802 592 351
19 Statistically you should be fine. 1.7408 0.01451 2670 1186 990 494
20 Your results may vary. 1.7398 0.01477 2636 1188 945 503
21 Relax, I've done dozens of vasectomies. 1.7381 0.02764 756 343 268 145
22 Perfect. Now let's get you anesthetized while I get my blindfold. 1.7358 0.03236 583 275 187 121
23 As you can see, the chances for your survival are very, very good. 1.7357 0.01473 2471 1075 974 422
24 First we outline the problem, now we pinpoint exactly where it is. 1.7335 0.02440 953 431 345 177
25 Trust me. One way or another, this will stop your hiccups. 1.7314 0.01641 2137 979 753 405
26 Just let me know if you feel a sharp pain. 1.7262 0.01440 2736 1253 979 504
27 It says we should do no harm, but it doesn’t say we have to be boring about it. 1.7248 0.01767 1915 908 626 381
28 Your hiccups are gone. 1.7243 0.01507 2619 1239 863 517
29 Are we ready for your stress test, Mr. Henderson? 1.7236 0.01742 1907 888 658 361
30 It's more "hit or miss" than other diagnostic tools. 1.7233 0.01527 2436 1122 866 448
31 It could be inpatient, it could be outpatient. 1.7233 0.01486 2750 1321 869 560
32 I can do your vasectomy between shows this afternoon. 1.7213 0.01611 2361 1144 731 486
33 Most patients seem to prefer facing the wall 1.7178 0.01470 2587 1191 935 461
34 I’m just going to do a quick check of your reflexes. 1.7114 0.01531 2353 1086 860 407
35 There's nothing to worry about if you fasted as we asked. 1.7070 0.03016 628 298 216 114
36 It's called a cardiac stress test. 1.7059 0.01756 1826 861 641 324
37 Looks like you passed your stress test. 1.7004 0.01900 1562 744 542 276
38 So far, I's say it's a minimally invasive procedure. 1.6964 0.01811 1637 763 608 266
39 It's our latest cardiac stress test. 1.6963 0.01490 2506 1193 881 432
40 Still have the hiccups? 1.6958 0.01646 2045 972 723 350
41 You should buy a lottery ticket on your way home. 1.6914 0.01651 2145 1060 687 398
42 In our double blind study we both close our eyes and hope for the best. 1.6867 0.01623 2234 1117 700 417
43 Or we could do the treadmill test. 1.6840 0.02745 674 311 265 98
44 Relax, Mr. Cunningham. What's the worst that can happen? 1.6781 0.02916 640 310 226 104
45 If I'm paying for malpractice insurance, I'm using it. 1.6766 0.02210 1172 586 379 207
46 Still got those hiccups? 1.6610 0.01722 1891 959 614 318
47 We’ve had trouble finding your vein. 1.6580 0.01775 1956 1051 523 382
48 And you thought the prostate exam was the worst part of this visit. 1.6557 0.01723 1882 961 608 313
49 You shouldn’t feel a thing. 1.6536 0.01831 1957 1098 439 420
50 Or I could refer you to a specialist. 1.6456 0.02127 1236 642 390 204
51 It's noninvasive as long as I don't miss. 1.6415 0.01899 1537 800 488 249
52 Sometimes it's inaccupuncture. 1.6408 0.01954 1481 780 453 248
53 Trust me, you will be missed. 1.6377 0.02047 1405 760 394 251
54 Everyone gets better at this point. 1.6368 0.02006 1382 726 432 224
55 My heart patients asked for a quick stress test without the treadmill. 1.6316 0.02352 923 468 327 128
56 See, you have nothing to worry about. 1.6304 0.03177 533 278 174 81
57 Let’s take a stab at a diagnosis 1.6274 0.02092 1256 666 392 198
58 Now, let's check that blood pressure... 1.6235 0.02201 1150 618 347 185
59 It’s what your insurance paid for. 1.6210 0.02212 1116 596 347 173
60 Don't worry Kevin, this is how all Speakers get elected. 1.6206 0.02316 1115 625 288 202
61 And THAT was with my left hand. 1.6190 0.02255 1042 550 339 153
62 Now let me show you what happens when you go out of network. 1.6158 0.02407 1036 586 262 188
63 It's usually a noninvasive procedure 1.6128 0.02236 1077 579 336 162
64 Your prognosis ... it's hit or miss. 1.6076 0.02440 976 550 259 167
65 I think you'll find that "going under the knife" has a different meaning for my patients. 1.6060 0.02415 906 488 287 131
66 It's a new colonoscopy prep technique where we literally scare the crap out of you. 1.6050 0.02585 919 535 212 172
67 Sure-fire cure for constipation. 1.6046 0.02460 956 540 254 162
68 You won't feel a thing. Probably. 1.6042 0.02378 902 479 301 122
69 Statistically speaking, you'll be fine. 1.5998 0.02539 832 456 253 123
70 Constipated? This always works. 1.5984 0.02618 854 490 217 147
71 As you can see I’m board certified in external medicine. 1.5953 0.02580 855 486 229 140
72 Our treatments are cutting edge. 1.5952 0.02643 798 449 223 126
73 And that is how we cure chronic constipation. 1.5946 0.02623 846 487 215 144
74 This is where we test your nervous system. 1.5922 0.02512 792 425 265 102
75 If all goes well it’s a quick procedure. 1.5916 0.02661 742 408 229 105
76 As with any other sensitive diagnostic test, we are going to ask you to stand very still. 1.5910 0.02617 802 451 228 123
77 Now, we’re just going to give you a simple incontinence test. 1.5878 0.02592 871 508 214 149
78 I guarantee it'll cure your hiccups. 1.5872 0.02598 751 409 243 99
79 We try not to think of it as going "under the knife"... 1.5864 0.02593 810 457 231 122
80 Surgery was a success,we were able to remove the entire aura 1.5864 0.02781 718 409 197 112
81 I think your tremors are more controllable than we thought. 1.5863 0.02750 672 367 216 89
82 Right after this next test, we'll take your blood pressure. 1.5837 0.02825 711 411 185 115
83 Do you have any metal allergies? 1.5826 0.02772 642 348 214 80
84 Don’t know. He left before I finished. 1.5797 0.06240 138 78 40 20
85 We are at the cutting-edge of non-evasive procedures. 1.5793 0.02900 675 393 173 109
86 You'll need to take a wide stance for the vasectomy 1.5788 0.02749 755 441 191 123
87 Trust me: This treatment will cure your constipation. 1.5788 0.02839 698 405 182 111
88 All procedures have risks, but you will get over the hiccups. 1.5787 0.02761 667 369 210 88
89 Now let’s have a look at those reflexes, shall we? 1.5778 0.02794 649 359 205 85
90 This is what your insurance covers. 1.5776 0.02920 651 376 174 101
91 You're right, this shows nothing about how many hit the actual target. 1.5753 0.02844 657 373 190 94
92 Of course you’ll be strapped to a spinning wheel during the actual procedure. 1.5743 0.02957 693 420 148 125
93 So those are the parts your insurance covers… 1.5717 0.03086 614 367 143 104
94 I've never lost a patient. 1.5707 0.02929 580 322 185 73
95 See? Told you I was precise. Now get back up there for the vasectomy. 1.5707 0.05374 191 111 51 29
96 Don't turn your head or cough. 1.5690 0.02765 659 369 205 85
97 As you can see, you have nothing to be worried about. 1.5686 0.02838 605 334 198 73
98 That's enough warm-up. Let'a head on in to the O.R. 1.5670 0.03129 575 340 144 91
99 You passed the anxiety test. 1.5627 0.02944 558 310 182 66
100 So you see, I’ve performed this procedure several times with good result. 1.5618 0.02965 550 306 179 65
101 Your HMO approved this test first. 1.5601 0.03025 541 305 169 67
102 The Phase II trial will be double-blind. 1.5577 0.03145 572 344 137 91
103 This is a test of your emergency response system.” 1.5550 0.03342 582 376 89 117
104 Trust me now? 1.5545 0.03110 514 293 157 64
105 Yes, for this particular procedure I do recommend general anesthesia. 1.5542 0.03092 554 325 151 78
106 There's always a first time, of course." 1.5526 0.02923 523 286 185 52
107 Now lets check your reflexes. 1.5514 0.03035 555 322 160 73
108 You'll find the fear will kill the pain. 1.5512 0.03187 508 296 144 68
109 It tests for obesity. 1.5511 0.03365 499 303 117 79
110 Odds are, you won't feel a thing. 1.5498 0.03204 502 293 142 67
111 Relax, I'm board-certified. 1.5490 0.03107 541 318 149 74
112 Well, we can rule out paranoia. 1.5489 0.03101 532 310 152 70
113 We find that it's the quickest way to get a stool sample. 1.5455 0.03423 506 317 102 87
114 It’s how I build trust with my patients. 1.5424 0.03185 448 251 151 46
115 We’ve found this is an effective way to establish a elevated blood pressure baseline 1.5421 0.03214 463 265 145 53
116 It's the latest in stress tests. 1.5421 0.03217 487 285 140 62
117 Just stand up against the wall and tell me where it hurts. 1.5412 0.03178 473 271 148 54
118 It should take care of your hiccups at the very least. 1.5404 0.03121 507 295 150 62
119 OK,now I've warmed up I think I am ready to go with your surgery. 1.5396 0.03171 480 277 147 56
120 Correct. Within a minute of standing against the wall, this procedure will have both your prostate and bowel working again 1.5393 0.03577 458 288 93 77
121 If all goes well, you'll just notice a few side effects. 1.5391 0.03192 447 252 149 46
122 Odds are, you are going to make it. 1.5383 0.03286 444 256 137 51
123 This is what the high deductible plan covers.” 1.5374 0.03410 441 262 121 58
124 Remember that thing you signed while you were waiting to come in…? 1.5373 0.03255 469 275 136 58
125 The point is to scare the tumor to death. 1.5369 0.03374 434 254 127 53
126 Let's do something about your dangerously low blood pressure. 1.5360 0.03363 472 286 119 67
127 This is what is covered under your HMO. 1.5358 0.03197 517 312 133 72
128 Of course, you'll want to stand very still while I outline your procedure. 1.5353 0.03392 439 260 123 56
129 If I slip up, the procedure is free. 1.5345 0.03254 464 272 136 56
130 By comparison, your upcoming surgery is not nearly as risky. 1.5342 0.03320 438 255 132 51
131 Don't worry, it's just a routine surgery. I've done this a million times with my eyes closed. 1.5333 0.03330 450 266 128 56
132 They call it non-invasive surgery. 1.5322 0.03168 481 281 144 56
133 No, you won't feel any pain, unless you flinch. 1.5312 0.03383 416 242 127 47
134 I can’t promise to cure you, but I’m willing to take a stab at it. 1.5306 0.03301 458 272 129 57
135 Or, we could try medication. 1.5297 0.03486 421 253 113 55
136 I like to warm up a little bit before the operation. 1.5283 0.03390 460 281 115 64
137 Tell me when it hurts. 1.5281 0.03496 409 244 114 51
138 In Canada this is free. 1.5278 0.03564 396 237 109 50
139 There is a reason why we call it a "practice." 1.5277 0.03238 470 279 134 57
140 And after, the surgery itself won't feel as scary. 1.5272 0.03294 404 229 137 38
141 Relax, I've done thousands of circumcisions. 1.5271 0.03525 442 275 101 66
142 You'll be my first vasectomy. 1.5269 0.03575 427 265 99 63
143 Our colon cleanse method is 100% guaranteed effective. 1.5269 0.03776 391 245 86 60
144 Face forward, or not? Your choice. 1.5263 0.03254 456 269 134 53
145 Hey, I’m a Doctor not a magician. Well, not any more. 1.5257 0.03392 409 239 125 45
146 I can see why you’re getting a second opinion 1.5245 0.03242 429 247 139 43
147 You seem nervous, but no need to worry. You can keep your gown on. 1.5244 0.03405 389 224 126 39
148 That's all your HMO would cover. 1.5243 0.03320 452 271 125 56
149 Not bad for an honorary doctorate, eh? 1.5221 0.03586 385 231 107 47
150 You’ll be my first circumcision! 1.5216 0.03477 464 294 98 72
151 You might feel a wee tinkle.” 1.5188 0.03821 426 284 63 79
152 This should take care of your constipation. 1.5160 0.03818 374 236 83 55
153 Your incision will be approximately four inches in from where I throw my knife. It's called exploratory surgery. 1.5157 0.03683 382 236 95 51
154 Like I said - it's a tricky procedure. 1.5157 0.03392 415 248 120 47
155 Your insurance doesn't cover this. Neither does mine. 1.5156 0.03514 417 257 105 55
156 It was tricky, but we managed to completely remove your toxic aura 1.5137 0.03671 401 253 90 58
157 It should be a minimally invasive procedure. 1.5130 0.03594 384 234 103 47
158 Now for a little bloodwork. 1.5129 0.03509 388 233 111 44
159 I know you're in a hospital gown, but I suggest facing in. 1.5127 0.03834 355 221 86 48
160 Are you an organ donor? 1.5121 0.03594 373 225 105 43
161 Tell you what - if I miss, I'll do the surgery for free 1.5121 0.03731 373 232 91 50
162 We’re going to try something new. 1.5115 0.03785 348 213 92 43
163 As you can see, Dr. Nigel is a pro. Unfortunately he's out toady. 1.5114 0.03555 395 242 104 49
164 Believe me, this produces better results than any enema can give. 1.5106 0.03651 376 231 98 47
165 Now that you have passed the pre-op stress test, we can proceed. 1.5105 0.03505 380 227 112 41
166 Don't worry, it's minimally invasive. 1.5098 0.03797 357 222 88 47
167 Actually, don’t cough. 1.5096 0.03403 416 252 116 48
168 I'm still not sure what's causing your anxiety, but I'm happy to take another stab at it. 1.5088 0.03546 399 246 103 50
169 Previous trials show it’s perfectly safe. 1.5087 0.03667 346 207 102 37
170 And if I miss, we're already at the hospital. 1.5084 0.03809 358 224 86 48
171 Next we will be testing your reflex control. 1.5076 0.03829 329 200 91 38
172 Suddenly, that old prostate exam doesn’t seem so bad after all, eh? 1.5073 0.03543 410 256 100 54
173 It’s our quickest colonoscopy prep yet. 1.5072 0.04027 347 225 68 54
174 Relax, this is a noninvasive procedure. 1.5064 0.03601 391 243 98 50
175 I've done this so many times I'm now doing it blindfolded. 1.5043 0.03810 345 214 88 43
176 We'll take your blood pressure readings before and after this. 1.5042 0.03813 355 223 85 47
177 It’s non-invasive. If we do it right. 1.5031 0.03671 324 191 103 30
178 Just one left. Where do you want it? 1.5030 0.03770 336 205 93 38
179 Shall we proceed with the vasectomy? 1.5029 0.03867 346 218 82 46
180 It's the quickest way to obtain a urine sample 1.5028 0.03778 362 228 86 48
181 I guarantee this will cure your constipation. 1.5015 0.04152 327 214 62 51
182 We wouldn't have to do it this way if you had better insurance. 1.5000 0.03828 332 205 88 39
183 It'll still be less painful for you than dealing with your insurance. 1.5000 0.03647 374 233 95 46
184 See? Absolutely nothing to worry about. 1.5000 0.03851 318 194 89 35
185 Now, you may feel a slight prick. 1.4986 0.03686 355 219 95 41
186 This ensures that you hold still. 1.4986 0.03651 351 214 99 38
187 Stand over there again - I have one more test to run 1.4971 0.03889 346 221 78 47
188 It's really hit or miss. 1.4969 0.03953 318 199 80 39
189 That's for mole removal. The vasectomy wall is one room down. 1.4957 0.03842 349 222 81 46
190 The procedure has a high rate of success for those suffering from constipation 1.4955 0.03941 335 214 76 45
191 You may feel a slight sting. 1.4955 0.03559 335 198 108 29
192 Well, we've ruled out fear of knives. 1.4951 0.03843 307 186 90 31
193 Tesla would kill for this kind of success rate 1.4951 0.03833 305 184 91 30
194 We’ll properly dispose of any contaminated sharps. 1.4935 0.03834 308 187 90 31
195 ...well, I put myself through medical school by working in the circus. 1.4931 0.03667 363 227 93 43
196 Are your hiccups gone now? 1.4916 0.03747 358 227 86 45
197 . . . and now we'll try it left-handed. 1.4914 0.04055 291 181 77 33
198 Your actual procedure will be a little bit different. This is just an outline of my method. 1.4911 0.03869 338 215 80 43
199 I'm trying a new approach to treating urinary retention! 1.4911 0.03863 336 213 81 42
200 It’s a matter of knife or death. 1.4907 0.03873 324 203 83 38
201 Let me explain approximately where the incision will be... 1.4899 0.03651 345 212 97 36
202 Do you want to face forward or backward? 1.4885 0.03889 305 188 85 32
203 The insurance companies make us do this. 1.4870 0.03969 308 194 78 36
204 One more test, to find how much sedation you'll need. 1.4858 0.04088 282 176 75 31
205 Of course, past results do not guarantee future performance. 1.4855 0.03914 311 195 81 35
206 This is the only form of acupuncture covered by your insurance. 1.4830 0.03930 323 207 76 40
207 ...or you can get the vaccine. 1.4824 0.04075 313 204 67 42
208 This probably won't hurt a bit. 1.4823 0.03994 282 174 80 28
209 Of course, if you have insurance it's a different game entirely. 1.4821 0.04084 307 199 68 40
210 It's better than acupuncture and more fun, at least for me. 1.4815 0.04122 270 168 74 28
211 I could do this blindfolded. 1.4810 0.03815 316 197 86 33
212 Who said surgery can't contain an element of fun? 1.4791 0.03989 263 159 82 22
213 See? I told you it wouldn't hurt a bit. 1.4789 0.04119 261 161 75 25
214 It's the most effective treatment for constipation. 1.4784 0.04040 324 214 65 45
215 Now that's what I call cutting edge medical care. 1.4778 0.03970 316 204 73 39
216 We had some fun when you were under anesthesia. 1.4772 0.04086 285 181 72 32
217 That’s why they call it a medical “practice”. 1.4767 0.04018 300 192 73 35
218 I suggest you lose weight. My aim isn't what it used to be. 1.4764 0.04087 254 155 77 22
219 If we call it a stress test it's covered by insurance. 1.4762 0.04224 252 157 70 25
220 See my aim is pretty good. Now let’s just finish this one last throw between the legs. 1.4749 0.04000 299 191 74 34
221 Don't turn your head left to cough 1.4737 0.03783 304 188 88 28
222 Anyone you’d like to call before we start? 1.4729 0.04140 277 177 69 31
223 The anesthesiologist should be here shortly 1.4729 0.04044 277 174 75 28
224 So tell me why you’d prefer laser surgery. 1.4724 0.04162 254 158 72 24
225 Your aura is dead 1.4717 0.04377 265 174 57 34
226 You're actually my first live patient. 1.4713 0.03910 314 202 76 36
227 Treadmill’s down. Three throws should get you to 160. 1.4710 0.04151 276 177 68 31
228 I enjoy this more when I dress up as a doctor. 1.4708 0.04268 274 179 61 34
229 It's standing operating procedure. 1.4695 0.04070 262 163 75 24
230 Of course, you’ll be wearing sequins during the actual procedure. 1.4694 0.03962 294 187 76 31
231 During Covid we developed socially distanced surgery. 1.4692 0.04070 292 189 69 34
232 Odd, that almost always solves constipation. Not to worry, I have one last procedure." 1.4669 0.04162 272 175 67 30
233 One moment while the anesthesiologist loads his quiver. 1.4664 0.04371 268 178 55 35
234 It’s the latest therapy for facing and overcoming anxieties, and it’s noninvasive…in most cases. 1.4662 0.04197 266 171 66 29
235 As you can see, we're getting closer to a diagnosis. 1.4659 0.04011 264 164 77 23
236 But my true passion is urology. 1.4644 0.04265 239 150 67 22
237 I like to work my way in. 1.4641 0.03988 237 142 80 15
238 It helps if you face the wall. 1.4640 0.04012 250 153 78 19
239 It's OK, my practice insurance covers this procedure. 1.4631 0.04281 244 155 65 24
240 Let's take another stab at it. 1.4625 0.04095 253 158 73 22
241 Most patients don’t feel a thing. 1.4621 0.04045 264 166 74 24
242 As you can see, the procedure is noninvasive. 1.4609 0.04172 256 163 68 25
243 You won't see a thing. I turn out the lights first. 1.4607 0.04317 267 177 57 33
244 Looks good. Now let's do some internal medicine. 1.4604 0.04069 265 168 72 25
245 I could do this procedure blindfolded. 1.4600 0.04128 250 157 71 22
246 Your posture is important. 1.4597 0.04191 248 157 68 23
247 Show me where you’d like it to hurt. 1.4596 0.04143 235 145 72 18
248 Since I've been using this new technique, my patients have a 98% recovery rate. 1.4593 0.03910 270 168 80 22
249 Well, at least I'm certified on this Board. 1.4587 0.03873 303 195 77 31
250 Nothing wrong with your nervous system. 1.4583 0.04008 264 166 75 23
251 I know it’s not perfect, but the British have to wait in longer lines. 1.4581 0.04553 227 148 54 25
252 'I probably shouldn't be telling you this, but during the experiment you got the placebo knives.' 1.4575 0.04123 247 155 71 21
253 This procedure tends to cure constipation. 1.4574 0.04233 282 189 57 36
254 It's how I limber up before the actual surgery! 1.4568 0.04370 243 158 59 26
255 Or we can try the enema again. 1.4563 0.04472 252 169 51 32
256 One more should do it. 1.4562 0.04104 274 178 67 29
257 I worked my way through med school in a circus. 1.4553 0.04313 235 150 63 22
258 We’re narrowing it down. 1.4552 0.03964 268 169 76 23
259 Honestly...surgery like this is hit or miss 1.4550 0.04493 222 143 57 22
260 This should get rid of your hiccups. 1.4549 0.04181 255 164 66 25
261 Let’s try my Western-medicine adaptation of traditional Eastern Acupuncture! 1.4545 0.04476 220 141 58 21
262 Not that it matters, but my church choir needs a soprano. 1.4545 0.04384 264 178 52 34
263 Do you still want a second opinion? 1.4542 0.04171 262 170 65 27
264 Well, enough practice 1.4541 0.04552 218 141 55 22
265 I’ve never lost a patient. Just one nurse. 1.4533 0.04420 214 135 61 18
266 This is the stress test covered by your insurance 1.4525 0.04262 263 174 59 30
267 Guess where this one goes 1.4524 0.04400 252 168 54 30
268 I can throw in circumcision at no charge. 1.4523 0.04549 241 162 49 30
269 Thankfully you're well within the normal range 1.4523 0.04315 241 156 61 24
270 It doesn't cure the cancer but it takes your mind off it. We also validate parking. 1.4518 0.04578 228 151 51 26
271 This is going to take care of that constipation. 1.4518 0.04493 228 149 55 24
272 All surgery is hit and miss. I’m just more honest about it. 1.4513 0.04734 226 153 44 29
273 Think of it as acupuncture on steroids. 1.4513 0.04522 226 148 54 24
274 I like to think of myself as an out of the box surgeon. 1.4511 0.04436 235 154 56 25
275 Don't worry. It's done with surgical precision. 1.4509 0.04058 275 179 68 28
276 Trust me,your hiccups will be gone 1.4504 0.03916 262 164 78 20
277 Now will you trust me to perform the surgery? 1.4502 0.04302 251 165 59 27
278 This makes it fun for everyone. 1.4500 0.04566 220 144 53 23
279 I can do this procedure with my eyes closed. 1.4494 0.04180 267 176 62 29
280 Unconventional, sure. But I guarantee it will relieve your constipation. 1.4481 0.04585 241 164 46 31
281 yes, it's a little like acupuncture. 1.4477 0.04257 239 154 63 22
282 This is the only test covered by your insurance. 1.4472 0.04477 246 166 50 30
283 …, and there’s no co-pay with this type of imaging. 1.4469 0.04387 226 146 59 21
284 Spread your legs a little. 1.4449 0.04327 227 146 61 20
285 Sure we can do the surgery with a laser, but it's more expensive. 1.4449 0.04210 236 151 65 20
286 We seem to have cured that nervous tic. 1.4444 0.04673 207 136 50 21
287 You might feel a sharp pain." 1.4439 0.04551 205 132 55 18
288 For this one, I’ll need you to lift your gown. 1.4435 0.04377 239 158 56 25
289 Well, that’s one way to get a urine sample. 1.4435 0.04105 230 144 70 16
290 Its this "grey area" that I specialize in. 1.4434 0.04363 221 142 60 19
291 Tell me why you feel threatened. 1.4417 0.04282 240 157 60 23
292 We call it “non-invasive” 1.4412 0.04970 204 140 38 26
293 If you’ll stand inside the outline, I can get started. 1.4410 0.04342 229 149 59 21
294 We’ll either hit the wall or your high deductible. 1.4407 0.04537 236 160 48 28
295 Now, before we begin surgery, I need to know that you trust me. 1.4405 0.04279 227 146 62 19
296 Think of it this way: it beats a chalk outline on the sidewalk. 1.4402 0.04318 234 153 59 22
297 It’s a cutting edge procedure all right. 1.4400 0.04683 200 131 50 19
298 As you know, this is a targeted treatment. 1.4400 0.04519 200 128 56 16
299 Any other questions? I'm due in court. 1.4396 0.04915 207 142 39 26
300 This is my earlier work. 1.4395 0.04043 223 138 72 13
301 Not to worry — I’m board-certified. 1.4394 0.04607 198 128 53 17
302 Your margins are clear. 1.4390 0.04495 205 132 56 17
303 This will only hurt if you sneeze. 1.4380 0.04005 242 153 72 17
304 Let me outline the procedure for you. 1.4380 0.04281 258 174 55 29
305 We just took him off of knife support. 1.4372 0.04270 247 164 58 25
306 Now for the stress test. 1.4369 0.04531 206 134 54 18
307 You next checkup is in 6 months. You probably want to watch your weight. 1.4363 0.04303 259 176 53 30
308 It's also a continence test. 1.4356 0.04303 225 146 60 19
309 Do not turn and cough. 1.4352 0.04380 216 140 58 18
310 This is our rapid colonoscopy prep. 1.4352 0.04802 216 149 40 27
311 Our preliminary tests indicate you did not swallow a magnet. 1.4352 0.04757 216 148 42 26
312 Believe me...I also wish you had better insurance. 1.4348 0.04301 207 131 62 14
313 Don't worry, it's a non-invasive procedure. 1.4337 0.04856 196 132 43 21
314 I don't send out billing reminders. 1.4330 0.04628 224 153 45 26
315 As you can see this is a noninvasive surgery 1.4330 0.04726 194 128 48 18
316 I’ve outlined the areas that your insurance covers. 1.4330 0.04947 194 132 40 22
317 You may feel a slight poke. 1.4328 0.04498 201 130 55 16
318 Honestly? This procedure's kind of hit or miss. 1.4326 0.04138 215 135 67 13
319 See, no more hiccups! 1.4324 0.05009 185 125 40 20
320 But first, a stress test. 1.4322 0.04529 199 129 54 16
321 Before Johns Hopkins, I was pre-med at Barnum & Bailey. 1.4317 0.04678 183 118 51 14
322 We are closing in on the problem. 1.4314 0.04171 204 127 66 11
323 I worked in a carnival before med school. 1.4313 0.04399 211 137 57 17
324 ...of course, past performance is no guarantee of future results. 1.4313 0.04977 211 149 33 29
325 It cures hiccups and constipation. 1.4312 0.04349 218 142 58 18
326 My residency program was at Benihana's. 1.4301 0.05071 193 134 35 24
327 It won’t cure you, but it’ll take your mind off it. 1.4300 0.04342 200 127 60 13
328 Of course I'm board certified. 1.4286 0.04358 224 148 56 20
329 Using that little hammer to test your reflexes is so last-century. 1.4280 0.04393 243 166 50 27
330 It only hurts when you move. . . 1.4265 0.04239 211 135 62 14
331 As promised, your constipation will soon be a thing of the past. 1.4265 0.04547 211 141 50 20
332 Now do you trust me with your adult circumcision. 1.4265 0.04607 204 136 49 19
333 Looks like we can rule out Parkinson’s. 1.4263 0.04907 190 129 41 20
334 Students, Mr. Carlson is here for his vasectomy. 1.4242 0.04348 231 155 54 22
335 Don't worry. I can do this blindfolded. 1.4227 0.03963 220 138 71 11
336 You can leave your shoes and socks on. 1.4225 0.04844 187 126 43 18
337 They use a different approach in the Urology department. 1.4216 0.04603 204 137 48 19
338 Don't worry, you're one of the folks with GOOD insurance coverage. 1.4213 0.04292 235 158 55 22
339 And then the one who comes closest without nicking the body gets to do the operation. 1.4211 0.04903 190 130 40 20
340 This surgery is usually painless. 1.4208 0.04528 202 134 51 17
341 It is ineffective, stupid and dangerous, but it's the only treatment your insurance provider, Dumbfuck Loser Circus Nerd Life & Casualty, will cover. 1.4208 0.05042 202 144 31 27
342 I knew we could get your heart rate up. 1.4206 0.04447 214 143 52 19
343 Yes, a few patients have reported side effects. 1.4203 0.04450 207 137 53 17
344 You may experience some discomfort. 1.4192 0.04904 167 110 44 13
345 It’s cutting edge technology. 1.4187 0.04617 203 137 47 19
346 On the other hand, you could take the vaccine. 1.4181 0.05038 177 121 38 18
347 I'm concerned about your reflexes. You didn't catch a single knife. 1.4176 0.05117 182 127 34 21
348 Good news! It’s only invasive if you move. 1.4176 0.04748 182 121 46 15
349 Now we'll test your reflexes. 1.4174 0.04189 218 142 61 15
350 Wait. You have hands? 1.4167 0.04953 168 112 42 14
351 Unfortunately, this is the best that your health insurance could offer. 1.4158 0.04788 202 140 40 22
352 I have a perfect success rate at curing nervous disorders such as yours. 1.4158 0.04544 190 125 51 14
353 Your insurance only covers twelve tries. 1.4154 0.04220 195 124 61 10
354 I find that it’s the surest cure for constipation. 1.4152 0.04960 171 115 41 15
355 I did my residency at Ringling. 1.4150 0.04770 200 138 41 21
356 Don't worry - this is cutting edge technology 1.4150 0.04609 200 135 47 18
357 Some experts say: "Past performances cannot predict the future 1.4143 0.04552 210 143 47 20
358 It’ll be over in seconds.” 1.4131 0.04200 213 139 60 14
359 Only if a laxative doesn't do the trick 1.4127 0.04971 189 132 36 21
360 Didn't you read the consent form when you volunteered for the study? 1.4125 0.04967 160 106 42 12
361 Of course you'll be on a spinning wheel for the actual procedure. 1.4123 0.04682 211 147 41 23
362 Side effects are very rare and include abdominal pain, headaches, dizziness, agitation, fatigue, and death. 1.4121 0.05085 165 112 38 15
363 In addition to medical school, I performed with Cirque du Soleil for five years. 1.4121 0.04568 199 134 48 17
364 This is when you might reconsider and ask for a second opinion 1.4118 0.05250 170 119 32 19
365 Funny, but a lot of my patients choose to revisit their insurance plans before treatment... 1.4118 0.04379 204 135 54 15
366 I did my residency in Vegas. 1.4115 0.04567 192 128 49 15
367 This is what you get with an advantage plan. 1.4112 0.04711 197 135 43 19
368 Don’t worry, we’ll both be blindfolded. 1.4103 0.04338 195 127 56 12
369 Now let’s check your pulse. 1.4103 0.05053 156 104 40 12
370 Time for your stress test. 1.4096 0.04571 188 125 49 14
371 Next, we'll be checking your reflexes. 1.4095 0.04548 210 144 46 20
372 Please step over to the wall so I can test your blood pressure. 1.4093 0.04422 215 146 50 19
373 We can also do an MRI. 1.4088 0.04822 181 123 42 16
374 The ones you see are not the problem. 1.4086 0.04667 186 125 46 15
375 And when we’re done, your hiccups will be cured. 1.4080 0.04892 174 118 41 15
376 I Told Him A Dozen Times To Stop Flinching 1.4080 0.04892 174 118 41 15
377 We find this very effective in helping patients pass kidney stones. 1.4070 0.04931 172 117 40 15
378 Always a first time. 1.4070 0.05264 172 122 30 20
379 I know it's a bit unorthodox, but I've found that most patients declare they are cured after one treatment! 1.4068 0.04962 177 122 38 17
380 This is the only cardiac stress test your health insurance will cover. 1.4068 0.04831 177 120 42 15
381 I'm not a specialist, but I'll take a stab at it 1.4062 0.04907 192 135 36 21
382 …and that’s how we test anti anxiety medication. 1.4057 0.05068 175 122 35 18
383 And your hiccups will be gone in no time. 1.4053 0.04773 190 131 41 18
384 Are you still constipated? 1.4046 0.04908 173 118 40 15
385 As you can see,this does not have to be an invasive procedure. 1.4046 0.04908 173 118 40 15
386 It's how I unwind after a long day in surgery..... 1.4045 0.04676 178 119 46 13
387 the first twelve are easy 1.4040 0.04346 198 131 54 13
388 Appendectomies really are a game of chance... 1.4037 0.04776 161 106 45 10
389 I told you it wasn't invasive. 1.4033 0.04687 181 122 45 14
390 So for your type of insurance we'll have to go with this procedure. 1.4032 0.04904 186 130 37 19
391 Now that I've outlined the procedure, do you have any questions? 1.4032 0.04535 186 124 49 13
392 It's the only stress test your insurance will cover. 1.4024 0.05263 169 120 30 19
393 I was with the circus prior to taking up surgery 1.4021 0.04546 189 127 48 14
394 I honestly can’t believe I missed 12 times. 1.4021 0.04866 194 137 36 21
395 I think you’ll fit right in. 1.4020 0.04387 199 133 52 14
396 And just like that...your hiccups are gone! 1.4012 0.05127 172 121 33 18
397 Try again. Where exactly is this stabbing pain you’re feeling? 1.4011 0.04919 182 127 37 18
398 It's not a surgical theater - more of a big top. 1.4011 0.04579 187 126 47 14
399 Oh, come on. You only have a month to live. 1.4010 0.04969 197 142 31 24
400 It's noninvasive surgery. 1.4000 0.05189 175 125 30 20
401 You can keep the gown on this time. 1.4000 0.04791 160 106 44 10
402 Fortunately, your insurance covers my blindfold. 1.4000 0.05351 150 104 32 14
403 Allow me to outline the procedure. 1.4000 0.04738 185 127 42 16
404 This will be my first vasectomy. 1.3989 0.04836 183 127 39 17
405 Never a dull moment is our motto. 1.3987 0.04913 158 106 41 11
406 Honestly, though, it's not for testing *your* eyesight. 1.3986 0.05316 148 102 33 13
407 I always need a few warmups before we go into the operating room. 1.3977 0.04727 171 115 44 12
408 Like all medical procedures, this one is not without risk. 1.3977 0.04799 171 116 42 13
409 What do you say we take a stab at it? 1.3976 0.04900 166 113 40 13
410 Not to worry. My accuracy rate is 92.3 per cent. 1.3970 0.04323 199 133 53 13
411 We're a learning hospital. 1.3969 0.04518 194 132 47 15
412 Before we start - these are the spots your insurance covers 1.3968 0.04840 189 133 37 19
413 Past performance may not be indicative of future results. 1.3967 0.04996 184 131 33 20
414 I'll run a few more tests, but I think it's safe to say that anxiety isn't the problem. 1.3966 0.04511 179 119 49 11
415 Think of it as Western acupuncture. 1.3966 0.05013 174 122 35 17
416 I promise, your vasectomy will be completed before you even know what happened. 1.3964 0.04981 169 117 37 15
417 I'm board certified. 1.3963 0.05162 164 115 33 16
418 Relax, this procedure has a 95% survival rate. 1.3952 0.04950 167 115 38 14
419 So, yes, I am good with a knife. 1.3952 0.04950 167 115 38 14
420 You’re probably thinking to yourself “Why did I sign up for the high deductible plan?” 1.3952 0.04649 167 111 46 10
421 If all goes well, it's an outpatient procedure! 1.3951 0.04346 205 139 51 15
422 This helps all my patients get over their fear of needles. 1.3951 0.04663 162 107 46 9
423 Stand there and we'll see if we can locate the source of the problem. 1.3949 0.04930 157 106 40 11
424 Sorry, but this is the best medical assisted suicide option I can offer given your insurance. 1.3947 0.04819 190 134 37 19
425 This is the best cure for constipation that I've ever seen. 1.3946 0.04914 185 131 35 19
426 Ready for your auraectomy? 1.3946 0.04669 185 127 43 15
427 Oh, it's just some modern art the hospital board commissioned. 1.3943 0.04989 175 123 35 17
428 And now your vasectomy will be a piece of cake. 1.3939 0.04730 198 140 38 20
429 The procedure isn't perfect, but it's all your insurance will cover. 1.3938 0.04590 193 133 44 16
430 Trust me. They’re sterilized. 1.3938 0.05400 160 115 27 18
431 Fortunately for you, I specialize in “external”medicine. 1.3933 0.04662 178 121 44 13
432 The insurance wouldn't approve the gamma knife surgery. Here's what your plan covers 1.3922 0.05265 153 107 32 14
433 Despite my flawless results, insurance won't cover this procedure. 1.3920 0.04656 199 140 40 19
434 Tell me you don’t feel more alive. 1.3918 0.05071 171 121 33 17
435 For this last one, you need to pull the gown up a little. 1.3918 0.05003 171 120 35 16
436 Nine out of ten doctors miss 1.3918 0.04799 194 138 36 20
437 Despite several attempts, the nurse was not able to draw blood. 1.3916 0.05439 143 100 30 13
438 Surprisingly, your HMO actually covers this. 1.3915 0.04656 189 131 42 16
439 It helps us get your stool sample. 1.3913 0.04619 184 126 44 14
440 As you can see,our scans show that you are extremely lucky. 1.3913 0.05075 161 112 35 14
441 Barnum and Bailey School of Medicine, why do you ask?? 1.3913 0.05300 161 115 29 17
442 Of course there are other options, if you have insurance 1.3907 0.05145 151 104 35 12
443 I’m terrible at drawing blood. 1.3907 0.05557 151 109 25 17
444 So, how’s next Tuesday sound for the vasectomy? 1.3906 0.04603 192 133 43 16
445 Wish I was that good with a scalpel. 1.3905 0.04756 169 115 42 12
446 Come see me next week. I might have missed something. 1.3905 0.05113 169 120 32 17
447 X-Rays show no indication of a stabbing pain. Let's try an MRI. 1.3904 0.04751 187 131 39 17
448 You may feel a small pinch. 1.3902 0.05155 164 116 32 16
449 Your stress test looks good so far. 1.3899 0.04629 159 105 46 8
450 Reflexes? Check. 1.3895 0.04769 172 118 41 13
451 Of course, your insurance coverage will determine my accuracy. 1.3893 0.05278 149 104 32 13
452 This should cure your hiccups. 1.3892 0.04794 167 114 41 12
453 You might be my twin brother, but I still think I'm going to enjoy this. 1.3892 0.04942 167 116 37 14
454 The next one might sting a little. 1.3892 0.04718 167 113 43 11
455 It's the only bladder test covered by your health plan. 1.3889 0.04445 198 136 47 15
456 You only have to go under the knife one more time. 1.3889 0.04816 162 110 41 11
457 Don't worry. You can see I never miss. 1.3889 0.04687 180 124 42 14
458 Yes, it’s usually a noninvasive procedure. 1.3885 0.05084 157 109 35 13
459 No worries. I can perform this procedure blindfolded. 1.3885 0.05163 157 110 33 14
460 Actually I work in billing. 1.3885 0.05395 157 113 27 17
461 As long as you stay still, it's a totally non-invasive procedure just like the brochure promises. 1.3885 0.04837 157 106 41 10
462 This should relieve your constipation. 1.3882 0.04734 170 116 42 12
463 ... and then we'll check your blood pressure. 1.3882 0.04949 170 119 36 15
464 I do my best work with an audience and a blindfold. 1.3882 0.04660 170 115 44 11
465 As you can see, I'm very good. Of course, if I miss, you'll get a full refund. 1.3879 0.04908 165 114 38 13
466 I've been practicing, A LOT. 1.3876 0.04586 178 121 45 12
467 As your medical insurance doesn't cover anesthetics, we need you to faint from fright. 1.3875 0.05015 160 111 36 13
468 You’re taller than our last volunteer. 1.3875 0.04855 160 109 40 11
469 Are you a betting man? 1.3873 0.04881 142 94 41 7
470 Don't turn and don't cough. 1.3871 0.04790 155 104 42 9
471 As your cardiologist, I recommend a stress test. 1.3871 0.04702 155 103 44 8
472 We'll get started when my lovely assistant arrives. 1.3869 0.04695 168 114 43 11
473 Yes that’s your ideal profile. At Weight Loss Clinic we have ways of encouraging our clients to reach their ideal profile. 1.3869 0.05061 168 119 33 16
474 Barnum and Bailey University, why do you ask? 1.3869 0.05061 168 119 33 16
475 Bet your hiccups are gone 1.3867 0.04532 181 123 46 12
476 It's cutting edge treatment 1.3867 0.04600 181 124 44 13
477 I’m also licensed to guess your weight. 1.3867 0.04859 181 128 36 17
478 Do you mind if I also post the surgery to TikTok? 1.3859 0.04738 184 129 39 16
479 You won't be missed. 1.3855 0.04958 166 116 36 14
480 As you can see, it's really important that you lie still. 1.3852 0.05562 135 95 28 12
481 You can tie the gown in the front if it makes you feel better. 1.3851 0.04911 161 111 38 12
482 It’s cutting edge medicine. 1.3851 0.04831 161 110 40 11
483 As you can see, your results are outstanding so far; we just need to run one more test. 1.3851 0.04989 161 112 36 13
484 I specialize in minimally invasive surgery. 1.3841 0.05474 138 97 29 12
485 Don't worry, this isn't my first vasectomy. 1.3835 0.04425 206 144 45 17
486 We're not quite sure where the tumor is but I can take a stab at it. 1.3833 0.04679 180 125 41 14
487 This is the one authorized by your insurance. 1.3831 0.04978 154 106 37 11
488 We'll now test your reflexes in a fun new way. 1.3829 0.04633 175 120 43 12
489 If you let me use an axe, I'll throw in a free vasectomy. 1.3827 0.05116 162 115 32 15
490 Aren't you glad that this randomized controlled trial isn't double-blind? 1.3827 0.05191 162 116 30 16
491 You might feel a slight sting. 1.3819 0.05121 144 99 35 10
492 There is a definite pattern here. 1.3818 0.04746 165 113 41 11
493 I've got one left. Where do you want it? 1.3815 0.04879 173 122 36 15
494 I am Dr. George Santos and and I will be performing your vasectomy using my newly-developed painless technique. 1.3815 0.05081 173 125 30 18
495 Well, George, we're going to test how that new incontinence medication is working. 1.3813 0.05721 139 101 23 15
496 Well, the good news is you have no reflexes. 1.3812 0.04724 181 127 39 15
497 I'd like to run one more test. 1.3810 0.04762 168 116 40 12
498 100% board certified! 1.3810 0.05404 147 105 28 14
499 Let me know if you feel anything. 1.3810 0.05047 147 101 36 10
500 Yours will be the first between the legs. 1.3810 0.04457 189 130 46 13
501 When's the last time you had a stress test? 1.3807 0.04611 176 121 43 12
502 Sure, an MRI would be better but it's not in your network. 1.3806 0.04946 134 89 39 6
503 Yes ,it is a bit like acupuncture. 1.3804 0.04793 184 131 36 17
504 This new procedure is hit or miss. 1.3801 0.04987 171 122 33 16
505 Totally cures constipation. 1.3800 0.05324 150 107 29 14
506 Well Mr. Smith, are we ready for our Stress Test? 1.3800 0.05650 150 111 21 18
507 We feel we're on the cutting edge. 1.3800 0.05239 150 106 31 13
508 Never missed yet. 1.3793 0.05092 145 100 35 10
509 It's outpatient. 1.3791 0.04637 153 102 44 7
510 Well, sometimes, yes, but that's why you and I both have insurance. 1.3786 0.05216 140 97 33 10
511 Be sure to keep your knees apart for the next one. 1.3786 0.05116 140 96 35 9
512 I'm confident this treatment will fix your constipation. 1.3778 0.05551 135 96 27 12
513 You’re an organ donor, right? 1.3778 0.04326 180 121 50 9
514 Looks like you came through the procedure very well. 1.3776 0.05326 143 101 30 12
515 You'll be lucky 13 1.3776 0.05233 143 100 32 11
516 So you lost control of your bladder. Your hiccups are cured, aren't they. 1.3768 0.05558 138 99 26 13
517 Not to worry, you'll be facing the wall. 1.3767 0.04776 146 98 41 7
518 Enough practice. Let's get that appendix out. 1.3766 0.05218 154 110 30 14
519 Relax. I’m a doctor. 1.3765 0.04955 162 114 35 13
520 Congratulations, you passed our cardiac stress test with flying colors 1.3765 0.04790 170 119 38 13
521 My surgical residency was with Ringling Brothers.” 1.3759 0.05282 141 99 31 11
522 We have a new cutting edge procedure. 1.3758 0.05257 149 106 30 13
523 Long-distance surgery is all the rage now. 1.3757 0.04650 181 127 40 14
524 Remember, no treatment is without risk. 1.3750 0.04810 176 125 36 15
525 Well, you aced the stress test. Now let's check that prostate. 1.3750 0.04827 168 118 37 13
526 It's the only pre-op prep covered by your insurance. 1.3750 0.05265 152 109 29 14
527 Next we will test your reflexes. 1.3750 0.04677 168 116 41 11
528 If you don’t mind I’d like to run just one more test. 1.3743 0.04620 171 118 42 11
529 Relax, FDA approval is expected to come through any day now. 1.3743 0.04767 171 120 38 13
530 Very few of my patients don’t stick to the diet. 1.3742 0.05349 155 113 26 16
531 I was told I’d be going under the knife, singular. 1.3742 0.05109 155 110 32 13
532 Stand right on that red stain. 1.3741 0.05127 147 103 33 11
533 I always wanted to be in the circus. My parents insisted on medical school. 1.3741 0.05133 139 96 34 9
534 We've had zero post-operative complaints. 1.3741 0.05234 139 97 32 10
535 I almost never miss a diagnosis. 1.3736 0.04289 182 123 50 9
536 As you know, all surgeries come with a certain risk. 1.3735 0.04713 166 115 40 11
537 Trust me, you won't feel a thing. 1.3734 0.04792 158 109 39 10
538 My speciality is external medicine. 1.3734 0.04792 158 109 39 10
539 No more hiccups, am I right? 1.3729 0.04720 177 125 38 14
540 Why else would it be called a “medical practice?” 1.3728 0.04948 169 121 33 15
541 Now, let's see if your new anti-anxiety medication is working. 1.3725 0.04984 153 107 35 11
542 So I figured with skills like this, becoming a surgeon would be easy. 1.3724 0.05080 145 101 34 10
543 You might want to face the wall for this one. 1.3724 0.04789 145 98 40 7
544 That’s 4 years of Med School & 4 years of clown college 1.3724 0.05174 145 102 32 11
545 Sorry this is my first circumcision. 1.3718 0.05081 156 111 32 13
546 On the other hand, past results are no guarantee of future performance. 1.3718 0.05081 156 111 32 13
547 Well, yes, medicine can sometimes be a bit hit or miss. 1.3718 0.04916 156 109 36 11
548 Cutting edge technology. 1.3716 0.05008 148 103 35 10
549 I’m also terrible at Operation the game 1.3716 0.05099 148 104 33 11
550 Your insurance doesn’t cover anesthesia or an operating room. 1.3714 0.04824 175 125 35 15
551 Just tell me where it hurts 1.3713 0.04766 167 117 38 12
552 It's my cure for the toughest cases of hiccups, like yours. 1.3711 0.05012 159 113 33 13
553 We’ve exhausted every procedure except one 1.3710 0.05779 124 89 24 11
554 Of course there are those who associate the number 13 with bad luck. 1.3709 0.04848 151 104 38 9
555 When the circus closed, I asked myself - what’s my transferable skill? 1.3708 0.04896 178 129 32 17
556 yes, you would be number 13 1.3706 0.05407 143 103 27 13
557 Have you heard the term "practicing medicine?" 1.3704 0.05022 162 116 32 14
558 Actually, past performance is a reliable enough indicator of future results. 1.3704 0.04541 162 110 44 8
559 On second thought,I think I’ll go with radiation. 1.3701 0.04871 154 107 37 10
560 Hospital? This is the Museum of Modern Art. 1.3701 0.05208 154 111 29 14
561 For most patients the procedure is painless. 1.3699 0.04957 146 101 36 9
562 We could try it again arthroscopically. 1.3694 0.04890 157 110 36 11
563 Side effects may include sharp stabbing pain. 1.3691 0.05417 149 109 25 15
564 Trust me. I'm with doctors without borders. 1.3691 0.04980 149 104 35 10
565 This will teach you not to fidget in the MRI. 1.3687 0.04575 160 109 43 8
566 Now to pinpoint the problem. 1.3684 0.04302 171 115 49 7
567 Just one more with you facing the board. 1.3684 0.04822 152 105 38 9
568 Just show me what you'd like me to remove. 1.3684 0.05695 133 97 23 13
569 Ohhh, it’s eye, nose, and throw doctor. 1.3684 0.04912 152 106 36 10
570 I know the others said it was inoperable, but I'm willing to take a stab at it. 1.3684 0.05387 133 94 29 10
571 This is cutting edge medicine 1.3684 0.05171 152 109 30 13
572 It's really more of an art than a science. 1.3681 0.04903 144 99 37 8
573 I've been looking into practices outside of conventional medicine. This is your stress test. 1.3678 0.04699 174 123 38 13
574 In medical school, this is where we decide whether our graduates become surgeons or go into teaching. 1.3676 0.05504 136 98 26 12
575 The margins are clear. 1.3676 0.05093 136 94 34 8
576 And again, I’m sorry about your arm. 1.3673 0.04835 147 101 38 8
577 I specialize in external medicine. 1.3673 0.05206 147 105 30 12
578 Cigarette? 1.3672 0.05419 128 90 29 9
579 No, I'm not a rabbi, but I've done this a thousand times. 1.3672 0.05067 128 87 35 6
580 It's a spin on the childhood classic, pin the tail on the donkey 1.3671 0.04696 158 109 40 9
581 Don't worry, a negative result is good." 1.3667 0.05131 150 107 31 12
582 Luckily, you're a good fit for this surgical trial 1.3667 0.05043 150 106 33 11
583 As you can see, our surgeons are very skilled. 1.3667 0.04450 180 125 44 11
584 I’m much more accurate when I can see what’s inside. 1.3660 0.04973 153 108 34 11
585 Now I'd like to check your reflexes. 1.3657 0.04461 175 121 44 10
586 It's this or the rectal exam. 1.3657 0.05458 134 96 27 11
587 The new operating table will arrive any day. 1.3655 0.05162 145 103 31 11
588 I rarely lose a patient. 1.3655 0.04776 145 99 39 7
589 Without volunteers, clinical studies just wouldn’t be possible. 1.3655 0.05162 145 103 31 11
590 Well, the good news is that you've avoided going under the knife. 1.3653 0.04832 167 119 35 13
591 As you can see going under the knife is perfectly safe. 1.3650 0.04955 137 94 36 7
592 I call it "In-acupuncture." It works wonders; one treatment and my patients are good to go. 1.3650 0.05167 137 96 32 9
593 There are, of course, risks associated with this type of surgery… 1.3650 0.05567 137 100 24 13
594 And you thought an MRI is scary? 1.3649 0.05176 148 106 30 12
595 It's a new concept in surgery. It's big on Tik-Tok so we're giving it a try. 1.3648 0.05002 159 114 32 13
596 Past performance does not guarantee future results. 1.3643 0.05385 129 91 29 9
597 As you can see, this is a very low risk procedure. 1.3643 0.05496 129 92 27 10
598 You are I both know where the next one goes. 1.3643 0.04988 140 97 35 8
599 This patient didn’t need anesthesia. How about you? 1.3642 0.04744 151 104 39 8
600 Oh, that's just where I practice. 1.3642 0.05188 151 109 29 13
601 No, it doesn’t spin 1.3636 0.05512 132 95 26 11
602 See sir,you can't afford to gain any more weight. 1.3636 0.05113 143 101 32 10
603 Well, you might feel a slight sting 1.3636 0.04771 154 107 38 9
604 Our lawyers require me to say past performance is no guarantee of future results 1.3636 0.05512 132 95 26 11
605 Nurse, blindfold! 1.3636 0.05076 132 91 34 7
606 Since you have no insurance, this is the free reflex test. 1.3636 0.05093 165 121 28 16
607 And this is why we call it PRACTICING medicine. 1.3631 0.04733 168 119 37 12
608 I could never be a surgeon. 1.3630 0.05321 135 96 29 10
609 You might feel a little pressure. 1.3630 0.04999 135 93 35 7
610 Odds are, if the cancer doesn’t kill you, I will. 1.3629 0.05876 124 91 21 12
611 Ya, I know, but so far modern science has yet to come up with a better bladder control test. 1.3624 0.05235 149 108 28 13
612 The next procedure is more invasive. 1.3624 0.05059 149 106 32 11
613 Yes, it’s your stress test. 1.3623 0.04926 138 95 36 7
614 It’s cutting edge therapy. 1.3623 0.05721 138 103 20 15
615 Nice. We can check off nervous system response. 1.3623 0.05137 138 97 32 9
616 And now for your blood pressure test! 1.3622 0.04438 196 140 41 15
617 Just don't sneeze. 1.3622 0.05204 127 88 32 7
618 So I left the circus and went into medicine.... 1.3620 0.04832 163 116 35 12
619 All right - now this time ,with the blindfold. 1.3618 0.04900 152 107 35 10
620 The nurse tells me you're having trouble giving a urine sample 1.3618 0.05326 152 112 25 15
621 I took a stab at it, so next let’s try a shot in the dark. 1.3618 0.05243 152 111 27 14
622 As you can see, the procedure is completely painless. 1.3618 0.04810 152 106 37 9
623 As you can see, Mr. Smith, no surgery is necessary. You've dodged the knife. 1.3615 0.05461 130 93 27 10
624 This procedure has never worked. 1.3615 0.05238 130 91 31 8
625 I guarantee you'll be able to pee after this operation. 1.3615 0.05461 130 93 27 10
626 I guess I just got a little bored doing vasectomies the same old way. 1.3614 0.04534 166 115 42 9
627 I could do acupuncture if you prefer 1.3613 0.05004 155 111 32 12
628 I'm also board certified. 1.3613 0.04657 155 107 40 8
629 It’s our new stress test. 1.3611 0.04987 144 101 34 9
630 If my throw lands next to your problem, you get free medical care for a year 1.3611 0.05179 144 103 30 11
631 You passed. It's quicker than the treadmill. 1.3609 0.05373 133 95 28 10
632 It's the best stress test your health insurance covers. 1.3609 0.05478 133 96 26 11
633 And your insurance will cover it. 1.3607 0.05082 122 83 34 5
634 Step in. There's one left. 1.3605 0.04821 147 102 37 8
635 This has proven to be the best non-invasive treatment for constipation. 1.3603 0.05490 136 99 25 12
636 Of course, you're free to seek a second opinion. 1.3603 0.05078 136 95 33 8
637 Don't worry, 9 out of 10 doctors recommend this practice. 1.3603 0.05288 136 97 29 10
638 Let's get you prepped for your colonoscopy. 1.3603 0.05288 136 97 29 10
639 There's a good chance you'll be missed. 1.3602 0.04949 161 116 32 13
640 This teaching tool leads most of my overweight patients to lose weight before the surgery. 1.3600 0.04661 150 103 40 7
641 Now, about that vasectomy 1.3600 0.05031 150 107 32 11
642 It's like acupuncture, only faster." 1.3597 0.05306 139 100 28 11
643 No, this isn’t covered by insurance 1.3597 0.05003 139 97 34 8
644 Now let’s make sure you haven’t gained any weight since the last check-up. 1.3595 0.05456 153 115 21 17
645 Now it ‘s your turn. 1.3594 0.05171 128 89 32 7
646 Do you still have the hiccups? 1.3592 0.04931 142 99 35 8
647 Yeah, here's your option...blindfold or no blindfold. 1.3592 0.05226 142 102 29 11
648 My diagnosis: you either have nerves of steel or no nerves at all. 1.3590 0.06004 117 86 20 11
649 Yours is an interesting case. I would like to take a stab at it. 1.3588 0.05426 131 94 27 10
650 The new Cyber knife technology is trending more analogue. 1.3588 0.05205 131 92 31 8
651 …and of course, no medical procedure is entirely without risk… 1.3588 0.05317 131 93 29 9
652 I got a great deal on my malpractice insurance. 1.3588 0.05205 131 92 31 8
653 They teach you in Medical School that the cuts you make are just as important as the ones you don't. 1.3586 0.05055 145 103 32 10
654 Just one more. 1.3586 0.04762 145 100 38 7
655 This is the only vasectomy procedure your insurance covers 1.3586 0.05332 145 106 26 13
656 Don’t worry. We’ll know right away if something goes wrong. 1.3585 0.04745 159 112 37 10
657 That’s how I relax. 1.3585 0.04828 159 113 35 11
658 …but at least it’s covered by your insurance. 1.3585 0.04486 159 109 43 7
659 The surgery should be quick. 1.3583 0.05525 120 85 27 8
660 I’m worried I may have missed something. 1.3577 0.05048 137 96 33 8
661 Budgetary cutbacks have forced us to slightly alter our cardiac stress testing... 1.3576 0.05009 165 121 29 15
662 And now we'll do your cardio stress test! 1.3576 0.04783 165 118 35 12
663 This is our minimally invasive surgical option. 1.3571 0.05341 126 89 29 8
664 I'd like to take another stab at a diagnosis. 1.3571 0.05019 154 111 31 12
665 See. I rarely miss 1.3571 0.05176 140 100 30 10
666 It's like a cross between acupuncture and shock therapy. 1.3571 0.05019 154 111 31 12
667 Welcome to my practice. 1.3567 0.04519 157 108 42 7
668 You'll be the first patient in the double-blind part of the clinical trial. 1.3567 0.04867 157 112 34 11
669 So should I take another stab at it?” 1.3567 0.04951 157 113 32 12
670 It’s why we call it a ‘practice’ 1.3566 0.05472 143 106 23 14
671 I am going to miss you. 1.3566 0.05369 129 92 28 9
672 Imagine how good I am with a scalpel when my eyes are open! 1.3565 0.06075 115 85 19 11
673 You finally get Universal Health Care and you're still not happy. 1.3562 0.04803 160 114 35 11
674 Your insurance no longer covers the treadmill test. They suggest this as a cost-effective option. 1.3562 0.05043 160 117 29 14
675 So you're here for a vasectomy? 1.3562 0.04835 146 102 36 8
676 I never said medicine was an exact science. 1.3562 0.05026 146 104 32 10
677 You are probably asking asking yourself, where does the last knife go? 1.3561 0.05392 132 95 27 10
678 Okay... Now back to my day job. 1.3561 0.05498 132 96 25 11
679 Okay, just going to test your reflexes then you can get dressed 1.3558 0.05051 163 120 28 15
680 If you’re able to remain still, we’ve cured your anxiety. 1.3558 0.04898 163 118 32 13
681 Can you try sticking your cyst out just a little? 1.3557 0.05223 149 109 27 13
682 Actually, it's " second" do no harm. First, we have to practice. 1.3557 0.05135 149 108 29 12
683 This shouldn't hurt a bit. 1.3557 0.05223 149 109 27 13
684 I’m afraid your condition is inoperable. 1.3556 0.04639 135 91 40 4
685 It’s always hit and miss when it comes to surgery. 1.3556 0.05898 135 103 16 16
686 Sure, there's a good chance I can remove your skin tags 1.3556 0.05201 135 96 30 9
687 As you can see, you really have nothing to worry about. 1.3554 0.04603 166 117 39 10
688 At least it's in network. 1.3553 0.04887 152 108 34 10
689 I practice homeopathic surgery. 1.3553 0.04975 152 109 32 11
690 And when I say hold still, I mean “hold still!” 1.3551 0.05018 138 97 33 8
691 You may feel a slight pinch. 1.3551 0.05325 138 100 27 11
692 Thanks for being flexible. We ran out of chalk. 1.3550 0.04699 169 121 36 12
693 Of course it never hurts to cross your fingers. 1.3548 0.05017 124 85 34 5
694 I find this method to be an efficient means of collecting various fluid samples from my patients. 1.3538 0.05445 130 94 26 10
695 Now let's check your blood pressure. 1.3538 0.04867 130 89 36 5
696 Yes, Sir. 'Non-invasive' is the key word. 1.3534 0.05028 133 93 33 7
697 Oops. I forgot one. 1.3534 0.05566 133 98 23 12
698 …and I could even do your appendectomy with my eyes closed. 1.3533 0.05018 150 108 31 11
699 That's nothing. I once took out an appendix from thirty feet away. 1.3533 0.05106 150 109 29 12
700 Give me a moment to warm up before your vasectomy. 1.3533 0.05018 150 108 31 11
701 This will show us if you have any trust issues. 1.3529 0.05063 136 96 32 8
702 No worries , I took an oath . 1.3529 0.04948 153 110 32 11
703 Obviously during the actual procedure I'll be blindfolded. 1.3529 0.05284 153 114 24 15
704 And that’s why it’s called a practice. 1.3529 0.04948 153 110 32 11
705 It's covered by your insurance. 1.3526 0.04709 156 110 37 9
706 This is why you cannot gain weight. 1.3525 0.05486 139 103 23 13
707 You can take off the gown now. 1.3525 0.05486 139 103 23 13
708 Patients are my target audience." 1.3525 0.04988 139 98 33 8
709 This is cutting edge. 1.3525 0.05811 122 90 21 11
710 This is what happens when an appendix tries to get away 1.3522 0.05136 159 118 26 15
711 Well, I did my residency at the Barnum and Bailey School of Medicine. 1.3520 0.05112 125 87 32 6
712 Budget cuts. We sold the treadmill, but this achieves the same in terms of heart rate. 1.3520 0.05237 125 88 30 7
713 And this one goes in the middle 1.3520 0.05821 125 93 20 12
714 Past results are no guarantee of future performance. 1.3519 0.04913 162 118 31 13
715 One hundred percent cure rate for hiccups. 1.3519 0.04834 162 117 33 12
716 I am going to let the intern throw the next few 1.3517 0.05041 145 104 31 10
717 It looks good so far, but we'll need some blood work. 1.3517 0.04847 145 102 35 8
718 This will be my first surgery, but it's not like I haven't been practicing. 1.3517 0.04748 145 101 37 7
719 It's guaranteed to cure your hiccups! 1.3517 0.04748 145 101 37 7
720 Now I'm going to check your prostate. 1.3516 0.05033 128 89 33 6
721 Actually, I’ve heard the healthcare in America is much worse. 1.3516 0.05272 128 91 29 8
722 We used to test reflexes by tapping your knee. 1.3514 0.05151 148 108 28 12
723 I promise I'll do better during your surgery. 1.3514 0.04876 148 105 34 9
724 The pre-op went well. 1.3511 0.05410 131 95 26 10
725 You’ll hear a whoosh but try to stay still. 1.3511 0.05074 131 92 32 7
726 It’s that or the prostate exam. 1.3511 0.05410 131 95 26 10
727 There's only one way to get rid of those hiccups. 1.3511 0.04957 131 91 34 6
728 Everyone has a little anxiety before surgery 1.3510 0.04990 151 109 31 11
729 I find it builds trust before the vasectomy. 1.3507 0.05531 134 99 23 12
730 The procedure is totally unnecessary, but is usually non-invasive. 1.3506 0.04746 154 109 36 9
731 Feeling better already, I'll bet. 1.3506 0.04921 154 111 32 11
732 My aim is as good as my handwriting 1.3504 0.05472 117 83 27 7
733 I dreamed of joining the circus but my dad made me go to med school. 1.3504 0.05032 137 97 32 8
734 Don't worry, I take the blindfold off during the actual surgery. 1.3503 0.04855 157 113 33 11
735 Next is your stress test. 1.3500 0.05260 140 102 27 11
736 A bris 36 years ago would have been so much easier. 1.3500 0.04791 160 115 34 11
737 Your insurance actually covers it. 1.3496 0.04896 123 84 35 4
738 Let me take one more stab at it. 1.3496 0.05413 123 88 27 8
739 Relax! They don't call me the William Tell of medicine for nothing. 1.3496 0.05413 123 88 27 8
740 This won’t hurt a bit ... usually. 1.3496 0.05030 123 85 33 5
741 My mother still thinks I went to medical school. 1.3496 0.05288 123 87 29 7
742 My oath: First do no harm. 1.3496 0.05413 123 88 27 8
743 Of course, your results may vary. 1.3492 0.05323 126 90 28 8
744 Moving during the test can throw off the results. 1.3492 0.05441 126 91 26 9
745 Your HMO only covers the game Operation. 1.3488 0.05238 129 92 29 8
746 Let's see if we can fit you in. 1.3488 0.04879 129 89 35 5
747 Don’t worry, the knives are all sterilized first. 1.3488 0.05121 129 91 31 7
748 This procedure has been the subject of many trials…some of them clinical. 1.3485 0.05689 132 99 20 13
749 Your blood pressure is a little high. Dealing with any stress? 1.3485 0.05156 132 94 30 8
750 Have I adequately outlined my approach to your surgery? 1.3485 0.05156 132 94 30 8
751 Try not to move. 1.3484 0.04446 155 107 42 6
752 As you can see, we haven’t quite decided where to start cutting. 1.3482 0.05338 112 78 29 5
753 We recommend this technique for constipation patients who can't use laxatives. 1.3481 0.05394 135 99 25 11
754 So I thought, 'What the heck? Knife thrower? Surgeon? Pretty much the same thing.' 1.3481 0.05185 135 97 29 9
755 See, you really want a surgeon with serious knife skills for a urological procedure. 1.3481 0.05394 135 99 25 11
756 'We find it motivates patients to stay within their healthy BMI range.' 1.3481 0.05291 135 98 27 10
757 My technique is totally non-invasive. 1.3481 0.04829 158 114 33 11
758 Not to worry, “Operation” was my favorite childhood board game. 1.3478 0.04895 138 97 34 7
759 Well, yes, there could be side effects. 1.3475 0.05131 141 102 29 10
760 We use this when insurance won't cover an MRI. 1.3475 0.05031 141 101 31 9
761 His diagnosis was malignant aura. 1.3475 0.05160 118 82 31 5
762 Let's see how this goes before we schedule a follow-up. 1.3472 0.05056 144 104 30 10
763 This or the prostate exam. Your choice. 1.3472 0.05151 144 105 28 11
764 Now you realize, past performance does not predict future performance. 1.3471 0.05341 121 86 28 7
765 So I’m actually a psychiatrist 1.3471 0.05593 121 88 24 9
766 You more or less fit the profile of my successful patients. 1.3469 0.04695 147 103 37 7
767 Now let's get rid of those hiccups. 1.3468 0.04997 124 86 33 5
768 Wanna guess where the 13th one goes? 1.3468 0.05253 124 88 29 7
769 'As you can see, I have a 100% accuracy rate." 1.3468 0.05497 124 90 25 9
770 And that’s blindfolded. 1.3465 0.04793 127 87 36 4
771 I think you see my point. 1.3464 0.04758 153 109 35 9
772 Can you show me where it hurts? 1.3462 0.05852 130 99 17 14
773 If this doesn't cure your constipation, I'm stuck. 1.3462 0.05089 130 92 31 7
774 Would you like me to take another stab at it? 1.3462 0.04783 156 112 34 10
775 Of course, you can always seek a second opinion. 1.3462 0.04849 130 90 35 5
776 Laser surgery is more accurate but this is more fun. 1.3462 0.05318 130 94 27 9
777 I find this a more accurate way of testing reflexes. 1.3459 0.04896 133 93 34 6
778 Our success rate with this procedure is excellent. I'm confident that your hiccups will disappear. 1.3459 0.05124 133 95 30 8
779 Of course you can trust me. We're identical twins. 1.3459 0.05342 133 97 26 10
780 Often we have to repeat the test. 1.3456 0.05046 136 97 31 8
781 Mom always said you should have gone to medical school and I should have joined the circus. 1.3456 0.05258 136 99 27 10
782 See! My accuracy is fine. Now please get back onto the operating table. 1.3456 0.05258 136 99 27 10
783 It’s time to play, you bet your life. 1.3455 0.05839 110 80 22 8
784 One more should do the trick. 1.3451 0.05198 142 104 27 11
785 I did say that the surgery was “exploratory “ didn’t I? 1.3448 0.04914 116 79 34 3
786 The good news is we recovered the last knife and you’ll be back to work soon. The bad news is you may need to change your name to something more feminine. 1.3448 0.05305 145 108 24 13
787 We should have the results from your adrenaline test back by Thursday... 1.3448 0.04930 145 104 32 9
788 "This procedure should've alleviated your constipation." 1.3444 0.04796 151 108 34 9
789 A reflex hammer to the knee is so 2022. 1.3443 0.05431 122 88 26 8
790 Enough practice. Let’s try your vasectomy. 1.3440 0.05577 125 92 23 10
791 I haven't been able to diagnose your problem just yet, but I'll take another stab at it. 1.3440 0.05460 125 91 25 9
792 Don’t worry I won’t miss this time. 1.3439 0.04582 157 111 38 8
793 My cure for your constipation. 1.3438 0.05370 128 93 26 9
794 You gotta admit, it works. Your hiccups are gone. 1.3438 0.05370 128 93 26 9
795 I’m just a surgeon. Wait until you see how the radiologist plays. 1.3438 0.05370 128 93 26 9
796 Part of my OR rotation was at SUNY - Barnum & Bailey 1.3438 0.05370 128 93 26 9
797 Feelin' extra lucky? 1.3435 0.05607 131 98 21 12
798 Here's where we check your reflexes. 1.3435 0.05056 131 93 31 7
799 I put myself through medical school, as circus performer. 1.3435 0.05171 131 94 29 8
800 If you still have the hiccups in a week come back and we’ll try again… 1.3435 0.05607 131 98 21 12
801 I call it Still Life with Knives 1.3433 0.05412 134 99 24 11
802 Trust me. 1.3429 0.06176 105 78 18 9
803 Stand there. We’ll have your constipation cleared up in no time. 1.3429 0.05046 140 101 30 9
804 This is a teaching hospital. 1.3429 0.05714 105 75 24 6
805 I told you I practiced surgery. 1.3427 0.04450 143 98 41 4
806 We can safely say your incontinence problems are over! 1.3427 0.05167 143 105 27 11
807 I interned at Benihana." 1.3421 0.05036 152 112 28 12
808 If you can't trust your brother, who can you trust?" 1.3421 0.05407 114 81 27 6
809 Are you wondering why the space in the middle is blank? 1.3419 0.04795 155 112 33 10
810 Would you mind if I tried to better my personal best of 12? 1.3419 0.05314 117 83 28 6
811 My last patient didn't need surgery at all. 1.3419 0.04880 117 80 34 3
812 We are a teaching hospital.” 1.3419 0.05715 117 86 22 9
813 We'll need a stress test before the surgery. 1.3418 0.05061 158 118 26 14
814 Yes, it's cutting edge technology. 1.3417 0.05358 120 86 27 7
815 You lost some weight since your last visit. 1.3415 0.05010 123 86 32 5
816 I need to know that you trust me. 1.3415 0.05141 123 87 30 6
817 We haven’t yet marked your inseam. 1.3415 0.04772 164 120 32 12
818 I just like to warm up before a vasectomy. 1.3413 0.05305 126 91 27 8
819 In the American Healthcare system, it is better to have luck than health. 1.3413 0.05305 126 91 27 8
820 Yes, my surgery residency was at Barnum and Bailey Hospital. 1.3413 0.05305 126 91 27 8
821 I call it a daggerotype 1.3413 0.05184 126 90 29 7
822 Of course no surgery is without risk. 1.3409 0.05139 132 95 29 8
823 Sorry, but with your insurance this is as close as we can come to you being put under the knife. 1.3409 0.05359 132 97 25 10
824 I would say that your odds are pretty good. 1.3407 0.05274 135 99 26 10
825 A blood draw may not be necessary. 1.3407 0.05060 135 97 30 8
826 Would you prefer to be in the control group? 1.3404 0.05116 141 103 28 10
827 Now do you trust me? 1.3403 0.05136 144 106 27 11
828 This treatment seems to be really helping with your anxiety Phil. Don't worry about where the next one lands. 1.3403 0.05041 144 105 29 10
829 We are going to have one hell of a time finding a vein on you. 1.3398 0.05781 103 74 23 6
830 It's for people scared of needles. 1.3398 0.05781 103 74 23 6
831 Don't worry, I'm a doctor 1.3397 0.05022 156 116 27 13
832 Well, Kevin, you're the one who wanted to be Speaker of the House. 1.3394 0.05861 109 80 21 8
833 I may only be a first year Resident but as you can see, I have been practicing. 1.3393 0.05609 112 81 24 7
834 Now I have to ask you to be absolutely still for this one if you're thinking of starting a family. 1.3393 0.05750 112 82 22 8
835 I think I removed all your nasty skin tags. 1.3393 0.05160 112 78 30 4
836 Your nervous condition has been cured. Thanks for your cooperation! 1.3391 0.05368 115 82 27 6
837 I have been practicing for my acupuncture boards 1.3391 0.05224 115 81 29 5
838 I could operate, or I could kill your aura. 1.3390 0.05800 118 88 20 10
839 The anesthesiologist is running late. 1.3390 0.05674 118 87 22 9
840 This surgery does involve some risk. 1.3388 0.05321 121 87 27 7
841 The gown just keeps the board clean and tidy. 1.3387 0.05713 124 93 20 11
842 It can take several tests to pinpoint the problem. 1.3387 0.05357 124 90 26 8
843 This is how we establish trust. 1.3387 0.05107 124 88 30 6
844 I've had a lot of luck with this procedure so far. 1.3387 0.04706 124 85 36 3
845 Let's check your reflexes 1.3386 0.04901 127 89 33 5
846 It's to make the vasectomy less scary. 1.3386 0.05150 127 91 29 7
847 Surgery is as much art as it is science 1.3386 0.05270 127 92 27 8
848 You can see I have an excellent success rate. 1.3385 0.05186 130 94 28 8
849 You’ll never guess where I studied. 1.3385 0.05300 130 95 26 9
850 So, under your insurance plan, I have to do it blindfolded 1.3383 0.05737 133 102 17 14
851 This is a test to see how well you can hold your bladder. 1.3381 0.05162 139 102 27 10
852 Of course, in the operating room, we'll us a table. 1.3381 0.05060 139 101 29 9
853 As you can see,I am fully board certified. 1.3381 0.05162 139 102 27 10
854 It’s a vision test for me. 1.3380 0.05085 142 104 28 10
855 Any procedure has risks. 1.3380 0.04781 142 101 34 7
856 the next shot will be your vasectomy 1.3379 0.04915 145 105 31 9
857 How about if I take another stab at diagnosing your problem? 1.3378 0.05300 148 112 22 14
858 So, as you can see, this is a teaching hospital… 1.3377 0.04593 151 107 37 7
859 Don't worry, you won't feel a thing. 1.3377 0.05065 154 115 26 13
860 I believe in noninvasive procedures. 1.3376 0.04568 157 112 37 8
861 It's a double-blind study, so we both have to close our eyes. 1.3376 0.04995 157 117 27 13
862 The procedure is a little “hit or miss”. 1.3374 0.04623 163 118 35 10
863 A skill set I picked up in pre-med. 1.3364 0.05930 107 79 20 8
864 And that's how we know your anti-anxiety medication is working. 1.3364 0.05466 107 76 26 5
865 Well, ‘acupuncture’ may be a bit generous. 1.3364 0.05780 107 78 22 7
866 After your surgery, we had a little fun with you before you woke up. 1.3364 0.06221 107 81 16 10
867 It's part science, part art, and part karma. 1.3364 0.05816 110 81 21 8
868 I always like a little warmup before putting you "under the knife." 1.3364 0.05522 110 79 25 6
869 Perfect posture! 1.3364 0.05522 110 79 25 6
870 "Well every procedure carries some risk, we do provide an optional bindfold." 1.3364 0.05522 110 79 25 6
871 Allergy to any metals? 1.3363 0.05423 113 81 26 6
872 Ok, let’s try again. 1.3362 0.05865 116 87 19 10
873 Am I good? That was with my eyes shut. 1.3361 0.05240 119 85 28 6
874 This is our non-invasive approach 1.3361 0.04665 119 81 36 2
875 That cured his PTSD 1.3361 0.05374 119 86 26 7
876 No need to be nervous. A vasectomy is a relatively simple procedure. 1.3361 0.05505 119 87 24 8
877 Well, I guess we're going to have to take a stab at it! 1.3361 0.05505 119 87 24 8
878 My next throw has to go between the legs. 1.3361 0.05535 122 90 23 9
879 So you’ve gained some weight, but it’s not life threatening yet… 1.3361 0.05021 122 86 31 5
880 You're steady on your feet. That's a good sign. 1.3361 0.05284 122 88 27 7
881 Of course you could also just do a bit more exercise and make some slight changes your diet, but I think this is the least terrifying option 1.3361 0.05284 122 88 27 7
882 The odds of dying are one in thirteen… 1.3360 0.05321 125 91 26 8
883 For the last time: yes, this is a totally normal vasectomy procedure. 1.3359 0.05465 128 95 23 10
884 All done. Those hiccups won't be an issue any more. 1.3359 0.05116 128 92 29 7
885 This is the only stress test your insurance will cover. 1.3359 0.05351 128 94 25 9
886 Your chance of recovery is hit and miss. 1.3359 0.05153 131 95 28 8
887 Now let’s get to the heart of the problem. 1.3359 0.05038 131 94 30 7
888 My pre-med was Barnum and Bailey 1.3359 0.05694 131 100 18 13
889 Think of it like acupuncture 1.3359 0.05266 131 96 26 9
890 Don’t worry. I’m an even better surgeon. 1.3359 0.04799 131 92 34 5
891 You're almost done with the Twitter pre-employment physical. 1.3358 0.05184 134 98 27 9
892 I’ll give you something to take the edge off. 1.3358 0.04890 137 98 32 7
893 The lead vest is just a precaution. 1.3357 0.04713 140 99 35 6
894 This is our cutting edge treatment. 1.3357 0.05029 140 102 29 9
895 My other gig is a surgeon." 1.3357 0.04957 143 104 30 9
896 This treatment is not covered by insurance but is actually fairly inexpensive. 1.3357 0.04754 143 102 34 7
897 Sometimes this procedure is in-patient; sometimes it’s out-patient. 1.3356 0.04789 146 105 33 8
898 This will test both your reflexes and your heart rate...and it is fun, for me. 1.3333 0.05316 129 95 25 9
899 It's targeted therapy. I'm Board certified. 1.3333 0.05838 120 91 18 11
900 We refer to this as cutting edge research. 1.3333 0.05341 132 98 24 10
901 See, one can combine a hobby and profession 1.3333 0.05150 117 83 29 5
902 This should motivate you to keep your weight within our guidelines 1.3333 0.04861 138 99 32 7
903 Just one more, we call the standing circumcision. 1.3333 0.05328 111 79 27 5
904 The results are inconclusive. I'd like to bring in an axe-thrower. 1.3333 0.05634 126 95 20 11
905 Or, you could take Prozac. 1.3333 0.04796 162 120 30 12
906 This probably won't hurt much 1.3333 0.05237 114 81 28 5
907 Now you know why we give our patients an enema prior to the surgery. 1.3333 0.05404 126 93 24 9
908 I know it seems silly, but your insurance company requires this step before they’ll cover the procedure. 1.3333 0.04963 129 92 31 6
909 It's an experimental procedure. 1.3333 0.04927 120 84 32 4
910 I’ve only missed a few times!! 1.3333 0.05150 117 83 29 5
911 That’s how I biopsy your aura. 1.3333 0.05201 129 94 27 8
912 This is just for diagnostics. Then we spin you on a wheel for the actual operation. 1.3333 0.05248 123 89 27 7
913 I'm sorry, but this is all your current healthcare plan would cover. 1.3333 0.05006 132 95 30 7
914 I see your points! 1.3333 0.05694 117 87 21 9
915 Just think of it as intense acupuncture. 1.3333 0.05449 132 99 22 11
916 Either way, you won’t feel a thing. 1.3333 0.06002 105 78 19 8
917 In my experience,there is no reason to believe thirteen can’t be a lucky number 1.3333 0.05177 138 102 26 10
918 I like to think of it as a cutting-edge procedure. 1.3333 0.05040 126 90 30 6
919 All patients requesting to be conscious during the operation must first pass the Flinch Test. 1.3333 0.05554 132 100 20 12
920 Some might question my credentials 1.3333 0.05593 120 89 22 9
921 I trained at the Barnum & Bailey College of Medicine. 1.3333 0.05526 114 83 24 7
922 I think my accuracy gets a little flimsy when my patients don't pay up. 1.3333 0.05204 120 86 28 6
923 Come back next week for some blood work. 1.3333 0.04702 117 80 35 2
924 Actually this IS cutting edge medicine. 1.3333 0.05257 135 100 25 10
925 A lot of men were uncomfortable with the way we used to check bladder control. 1.3333 0.05771 111 82 21 8
926 Sure laparoscopic is less invasive, but where’s the showmanship? 1.3333 0.04999 141 103 29 9
927 You’re going to feel a slight pinch 1.3333 0.05201 129 94 27 8
928 Here’s an outline of the procedure for you… 1.3333 0.04912 126 89 32 5
929 Trust me, I never miss. 1.3333 0.05012 111 77 31 3
930 I haven't missed in a long time 1.3311 0.04577 151 108 36 7
931 Trust me. I took an on-line course in acupuncture. You’re going to feel great once I’m done. 1.3311 0.04925 148 109 29 10
932 We’re calling it Hack-you-puncture 1.3310 0.05184 145 109 24 12
933 Like I promised, you didn't feel a thing. 1.3309 0.04611 139 98 36 5
934 Don't worry. You fit the profile perfectly. 1.3309 0.04938 139 101 30 8
935 You know, I am a cutting edge surgeon! 1.3309 0.05344 139 105 22 12
936 The last patient was lucky. 1.3309 0.04722 139 99 34 6
937 I'm a psychiatrist, not a surgeon. 1.3309 0.05043 139 102 28 9
938 For this procedure, don't turn your head or cough. 1.3309 0.05328 136 102 23 11
939 If I miss, I slash your bill in half. 1.3308 0.05198 133 98 26 9
940 There are some potential side effects I should mention… 1.3308 0.05393 130 97 23 10
941 This next test is really more about me. 1.3308 0.05167 130 95 27 8
942 It's definitely a less invasive option. 1.3308 0.05051 130 94 29 7
943 This is really the best way to get rid of hiccups! 1.3308 0.05393 130 97 23 10
944 It's like X-rays. Just don't move. 1.3308 0.04809 130 92 33 5
945 It's a simple outpatient procedure. 1.3308 0.04554 130 90 37 3
946 As with all surgical procedures, there are some associated risk factors. 1.3308 0.05281 130 96 25 9
947 How about now? Are the palpitations better or worse? 1.3308 0.05051 130 94 29 7
948 Traditional surgery doesn’t seem so bad now, does it? 1.3307 0.05368 127 94 24 9
949 Try not to gain any weight this year. Next year could be dangerous 1.3307 0.04750 127 89 34 4
950 So I hear you'd like to donate your body to science. 1.3306 0.05213 124 90 27 7
951 That was from the double blind portion of the trial. 1.3306 0.05213 124 90 27 7
952 I’m generally more accurate when I do vasectomies. 1.3306 0.05458 124 92 23 9
953 If you can stand there for twelve throws, you don't need any kind of tranquilizer. 1.3306 0.04894 121 85 32 4
954 Don’t worry, it’s covered by your insurance. 1.3305 0.05903 118 90 17 11
955 That was a good warmup. Now I'm ready for your surgery. 1.3305 0.05523 118 87 23 8
956 If I miss you’ll be a TikTok sensation. 1.3305 0.06025 118 91 15 12
957 As you can see, my success rate is impeccable. 1.3305 0.05523 118 87 23 8
958 And here’s the zero deductible option… 1.3304 0.05757 115 86 20 9
959 Physician, magician, potato, potahto... do you want the assistant gig or not? 1.3304 0.05439 112 81 25 6
960 And to think I started at the carnival with just an apple. 1.3303 0.05383 109 78 26 5
961 I'm aiming to get clear margins, but you can never be certain. 1.3303 0.05057 109 76 30 3
962 It’s this or radiation. Your call. 1.3299 0.05623 97 69 24 4
963 Okay! Now let’s try a few with you in there. 1.3298 0.06307 94 70 17 7
964 This phase of the operation isn't technically necessary but it helps us unwind. Plus, you'll be out like a light. 1.3293 0.04746 164 122 30 12
965 Clean margins are my specialty. 1.3289 0.04989 149 111 27 11
966 It’s a hit or miss procedure. 1.3286 0.05311 140 106 22 12
967 It’s perfectly safe — just don’t turn your head or cough. 1.3286 0.04909 140 102 30 8
968 This time we need to go in. 1.3285 0.04981 137 100 29 8
969 We intend to surgically remove that negative energy that surrounds you. 1.3285 0.05394 137 104 21 12
970 Don’t worry Steve, this is why we practice. 1.3285 0.05192 137 102 25 10
971 Try not to move outside the silouette. 1.3284 0.05165 134 99 26 9
972 Why don't you step up here and we'll collect a stool sample. 1.3284 0.05378 134 101 22 11
973 Now let’s check your prostate. 1.3282 0.05247 131 97 25 9
974 As you can see, there’s not a lot of risk involved. 1.3280 0.04789 125 88 33 4
975 As you can see, I´m yet to miss. 1.3280 0.05301 125 92 25 8
976 And our parents said I’d never cut it as a surgeon. 1.3280 0.04922 125 89 31 5
977 Don’t move or this will cost you and arm and a leg. 1.3280 0.05421 125 93 23 9
978 See, you don't need surgery. 1.3280 0.04922 125 89 31 5
979 Would YOU like a blindfold too? 1.3279 0.05390 122 90 24 8
980 It is important you stand very still. 1.3279 0.04861 122 86 32 4
981 Our Group Practice best serves those able to stay within the lines. 1.3279 0.05390 122 90 24 8
982 Incessant hiccups? Step right up. 1.3279 0.05132 122 88 28 6
983 Any questions? 1.3279 0.04861 122 86 32 4
984 We have found that stand up surgery works well as long you don’t flinch. 1.3279 0.05132 122 88 28 6
985 The problem is you lack a magnetic personality. 1.3279 0.04861 122 86 32 4
986 As you can see, I have skills. 1.3277 0.05483 119 88 23 8
987 One more for the road? 1.3276 0.05162 116 83 28 5
988 You’re my first vasectomy. 1.3276 0.05445 116 85 24 7
989 I need to know you trust me. 1.3276 0.05714 116 87 20 9
990 Is there a reason it's been so long since your last visit? 1.3276 0.05970 116 89 16 11
991 'awww c'mon..there's only one left! now get back in there!' 1.3276 0.05445 116 85 24 7
992 Show me where it hurts. 1.3274 0.05250 113 81 27 5
993 It's our least invasive option. 1.3274 0.05250 113 81 27 5
994 Based on my experience, I'd say that your odds are twelve to one. 1.3273 0.05184 110 78 28 4
995 It can be a hit or miss proposition. 1.3273 0.05792 110 82 20 8
996 Of course, you'll be lying down for the actual procedure. 1.3273 0.05496 110 80 24 6
997 Well, that concludes your preauthorization process. 1.3273 0.05792 110 82 20 8
998 You know, I wasn't always a doctor. 1.3273 0.05496 110 80 24 6
999 Let's do a stress test. 1.3271 0.05599 107 78 23 6
1000 Hospitals are low on staff lately, so we've adapted our surgery options. 1.3267 0.05648 101 73 23 5
1001 I took a stab at your diagnosis and found you suffer from anxiety. 1.3265 0.04745 147 107 32 8
1002 You know what they say...it's called 'practicing medicine' for a reason. 1.3265 0.06115 98 73 18 7
1003 Yes, it does look impressive, but full disclosure, I was trying to remove a gallbladder. 1.3265 0.05213 147 112 22 13
1004 Stop me when it hurts. 1.3265 0.05184 98 68 28 2
1005 It’s ok, I won’t wear the blindfold for the operation. 1.3259 0.05133 135 100 26 9
1006 Your insurance covers one more knife throw. 1.3259 0.05239 135 101 24 10
1007 Everyone has two jobs these days. 1.3256 0.05181 129 95 26 8
1008 'Let's make your vasectomy more exciting!' 1.3256 0.05297 129 96 24 9
1009 It may seem unusual, but it's part of the mental health screening now required by your HMO. 1.3252 0.05353 123 91 24 8
1010 The new “cutting edge” technique I was telling you about 1.3252 0.05227 123 90 26 7
1011 Let's try the last knife now, just for the hell of it. 1.3252 0.05097 123 89 28 6
1012 Yes, we sterilize the knives between patients. 1.3252 0.05227 123 90 26 7
1013 The trick is to first throw the knives, then draw the outline. 1.3252 0.05227 123 90 26 7
1014 Fear is the new keto. 1.3252 0.05596 123 93 20 10
1015 It’s important to find a doctor you can trust. 1.3250 0.04903 120 85 31 4
1016 Well, yes. I suppose there is always a first time. 1.3250 0.05444 120 89 23 8
1017 As with any procedure, there's an element of risk. 1.3250 0.05044 120 86 29 5
1018 It’s a quick, convenient treatment for relieving constipation. 1.3250 0.05571 120 90 21 9
1019 As you can see, I am good with a knife. 1.3250 0.05444 120 89 23 8
1020 The procedure is completely safe. 1.3250 0.05181 120 87 27 6
1021 This is how I warmed up to get ready to operate on you ! 1.3250 0.05314 120 88 25 7
1022 If you'd prefer, my colleague Dr Romanoff just down the hall does Russian Roulette. 1.3250 0.05314 120 88 25 7
1023 This is the best your healthcare plan offers. 1.3250 0.04903 120 85 31 4
1024 This next test is almost 100% accurate. 1.3248 0.05406 117 86 24 7
1025 This last one may hurt a little bit. 1.3248 0.05540 117 87 22 8
1026 So now we know your problem isn't in your aura. Please resume the position: I'm going to check your chakras. 1.3248 0.05540 117 87 22 8
1027 Let me outline the basics of your upcoming surgery. 1.3246 0.05212 114 82 27 5
1028 Yes, its a risky procedure, but if it works, the possibilities for dinner time conversations are endless. 1.3246 0.05777 114 86 19 9
1029 ... And if I miss, BOTH your surgeries are on us. 1.3246 0.05910 114 87 17 10
1030 We’ll, at least it’s not colonoscopy. 1.3246 0.05359 114 83 25 6
1031 Your insurance has outlined a plan for you. 1.3246 0.05641 114 85 21 8
1032 Interns. 1.3246 0.05359 114 83 25 6
1033 I like to practice here before we go into the surgical suite. 1.3243 0.04984 111 78 30 3
1034 My methods are generally hit or miss. 1.3241 0.04979 145 108 27 10
1035 Sure it’s a bit unconventional, but we found that this is 500% more effective than a regular stress test. 1.3241 0.04882 145 107 29 9
1036 And they said dermatology was no fun 1.3241 0.05234 108 77 27 4
1037 Inconclusive. We need to run this test again. 1.3241 0.05555 108 79 23 6
1038 Thank you for entering our double blind clinical trial 1.3241 0.05708 108 80 21 7
1039 I'm even better on the inside. 1.3239 0.05246 142 108 22 12
1040 I am much better with my contacts in. 1.3239 0.04746 142 103 32 7
1041 Any questions before we begin? 1.3239 0.04952 142 105 28 9
1042 My mother always told me to have a backup career.” 1.3238 0.05327 105 75 26 4
1043 So, where did you feel the sharp pain? 1.3237 0.05025 139 103 27 9
1044 If you don't move, it won't hurt... 1.3233 0.04719 133 95 33 5
1045 Say hello to my misses. 1.3233 0.05179 133 99 25 9
1046 I went to med school on an axe-throwing scholarship. 1.3231 0.05591 130 100 18 12
1047 No problem Lot's of my patients have had some initial difficult providing a urine sample 1.3231 0.05262 130 97 24 9
1048 And now let's do a little test of your anal sphincter. 1.3229 0.05829 96 70 21 5
1049 Only one place for me to throw this last knife." 1.3228 0.04985 127 92 29 6
1050 It’s precision before the incision. 1.3228 0.05230 127 94 25 8
1051 Your heart rate was higher than usual but the blood test came back negative. 1.3226 0.05438 124 93 22 9
1052 How's your insurance? 1.3226 0.06334 93 70 16 7
1053 If I miss you, we operate; if I don't, we operate. Deal? 1.3226 0.06334 93 70 16 7
1054 It may not be the best way to test your reflexes, but your insurance covers it. 1.3226 0.05674 124 95 18 11
1055 Your weight loss may have added years to your life 1.3226 0.04797 124 88 32 4
1056 Or, you could finally agree to undergo the colonoscopy I’ve been recommending all these years! 1.3223 0.05532 121 91 21 9
1057 You get where this is going, right? 1.3223 0.05277 121 89 25 7
1058 Are you superstitious? 1.3220 0.05367 118 87 24 7
1059 One to go. 1.3220 0.05090 118 85 28 5
1060 If we don’t cure it at least we scare the crap out if it… 1.3220 0.05630 118 89 20 9
1061 They say I’m the best. Do you have an apple on you? 1.3220 0.05500 118 88 22 8
1062 It tests your fear response and my degree of intoxication. 1.3220 0.05500 118 88 22 8
1063 Your initial stress test was inconclusive. 1.3217 0.05599 115 86 21 8
1064 This time with your legs and arms spread, Mr. Vitruvius. 1.3217 0.05461 115 85 23 7
1065 Do you prefer anesthesia or a blindfold? 1.3217 0.05024 115 82 29 4
1066 So…that’ll be $10,000 1.3217 0.05461 115 85 23 7
1067 If there isn't some risk involved, it isn't a real treatment 1.3217 0.05461 115 85 23 7
1068 Have you been circumcised? 1.3217 0.05119 143 108 24 11
1069 No need to worry, I took the Hippocratic Oath. 1.3214 0.05107 112 80 28 4
1070 Under the knife is an old idea. 1.3214 0.05413 112 82 24 6
1071 Of course, you can't see my misses. 1.3214 0.05842 112 85 18 9
1072 All we have left to do is measure the in-seam. 1.3211 0.05812 109 82 19 8
1073 We don't use the term "Bullseye." 1.3211 0.05956 109 83 17 9
1074 This really helps me relax before surgery. 1.3209 0.04808 134 97 31 6
1075 No worries, as you can see I’m 100% successful with outlines of patients drawn on plywood. A real person should be no different. 1.3209 0.05254 134 101 23 10
1076 Is this covered by insurance? 1.3208 0.05286 106 76 26 4
1077 We've been throwing everything we have at it, but we still don't know what your problem is. 1.3208 0.05453 106 77 24 5
1078 Don't worry, you shouldn't feel a thing. 1.3208 0.05773 106 79 20 7
1079 Being a surgeon and my true passion pretty much go hand in hand. 1.3206 0.04998 131 96 28 7
1080 Have you heard of targeted medicine? 1.3204 0.05556 103 75 23 5
1081 If you fall within the parameters of normal, you don't need to worry. 1.3204 0.05888 103 77 19 7
1082 No. This test is not covered by insurance. 1.3204 0.05382 103 74 25 4
1083 Relax. I'm good with a knife. 1.3204 0.05556 103 75 23 5
1084 Next to magic, hiccup mitigation is my specialty. 1.3203 0.05312 128 96 23 9
1085 You see? No need to worry! 1.3203 0.05195 128 95 25 8
1086 I have a 97% success rate 1.3203 0.05312 128 96 23 9
1087 It was actually an honorary doctorate degree from Coney Island. 1.3203 0.05312 128 96 23 9
1088 How familiar are you with ‘survivorship bias’? 1.3203 0.05312 128 96 23 9
1089 This is the only procedure your insurance will cover, but I’ve been practicing! 1.3200 0.05029 125 91 28 6
1090 Of course, all you're seeing here are my misses. 1.3200 0.05156 125 92 26 7
1091 Your insurance classifies this as a carve-out 1.3200 0.06010 100 75 18 7
1092 It's cutting edge. 1.3200 0.05664 100 73 22 5
1093 This is a pre-op requirement by my malpractice insurance 1.3200 0.04899 125 90 30 5
1094 It's our last resort treatment for constipation. 1.3200 0.05664 100 73 22 5
1095 Well it's cheaper than an MRI 1.3197 0.05492 122 92 21 9
1096 We find the phrase 'to go under the knife' to be a little outdated. 1.3197 0.05368 122 91 23 8
1097 No, not FDA approved yet, but preliminary studies indicate it's a highly effective weight loss motivator 1.3196 0.05778 97 71 21 5
1098 It’s a kind of hit or miss therapy. 1.3193 0.05460 119 89 22 8
1099 No, I can’t give you the names of my other patients .. 1.3191 0.04964 141 105 27 9
1100 Ready for your vasectomy? 1.3190 0.05281 116 85 25 6
1101 I also do circumcisions. 1.3190 0.05137 116 84 27 5
1102 My treatment is guaranteed to improve your posture. 1.3188 0.05037 138 103 26 9
1103 'C'mon . . . double or nothin' . . ." 1.3186 0.05518 113 84 22 7
1104 "Would you mind giving me one more shot at the appendix?" 1.3186 0.05518 113 84 22 7
1105 With or without the gown. Your choice. 1.3186 0.05932 113 87 16 10
1106 We take both health and life insurance. 1.3186 0.05373 113 83 24 6
1107 I just need to check your reflexes. 1.3185 0.04541 135 96 35 4
1108 You always told mom you wanted to be in the circus. 1.3185 0.04893 135 99 29 7
1109 This is the imaging your insurance covers. 1.3182 0.05620 110 82 21 7
1110 I specialize in non-invasive surgery. 1.3182 0.05766 110 83 19 8
1111 Now, can I get you to sign the informed consent? 1.3182 0.05314 110 80 25 5
1112 It was medicine or knife-throwing. Then I thought, why not both? 1.3182 0.05469 110 81 23 6
1113 Dont worry Mr Smith, I have one more idea to get rid of those hiccups. 1.3182 0.06185 110 86 13 11
1114 You see, this is a perfectly safe procedure. 1.3182 0.05469 110 81 23 6
1115 It’s minimally invasive. 1.3182 0.04848 132 96 30 6
1116 It's a simple non-invasive test for IBS. 1.3182 0.05620 110 82 21 7
1117 It’s easier if you face the board. 1.3182 0.04727 132 95 32 5
1118 Who referred you to my practice? 1.3182 0.05469 110 81 23 6
1119 Don't worry. You'll be anesthetized 1.3178 0.05501 129 99 19 11
1120 The procedure is based on some cutting edge research. 1.3178 0.05276 129 97 23 9
1121 One more attempt? 1.3178 0.04920 129 94 29 6
1122 As you can see, my specialty is in non-invasive surgery. 1.3178 0.05245 107 77 26 4
1123 Side effects can include death. 1.3175 0.05243 126 94 24 8
1124 You'll be my first attempt at a "between-the-legs" throw. 1.3173 0.05997 104 79 17 8
1125 This is our least invasive and cheapest surgery. 1.3173 0.05511 104 76 23 5
1126 It’s a new take on the stress test. Like a treadmill could ever tell us anything? 1.3171 0.04941 123 89 29 5
1127 Now that I'm warmed up, let's do the prostatectomy. 1.3171 0.05454 123 93 21 9
1128 I think we’re ready to take that appendix out now. 1.3171 0.05204 123 91 25 7
1129 Diagnosing is all about throwing things at the wall and seeing what sticks. 1.3168 0.05437 101 73 24 4
1130 This procedure will cost you an arm and a leg. 1.3168 0.05790 101 75 20 6
1131 My wife says I have issues with personal boundaries. 1.3168 0.05617 101 74 22 5
1132 Unfortunately, the surgery was unsuccessful 1.3168 0.05959 101 76 18 7
1133 By the time therapy is complete that blocked urinary tract should be functioning just fine! 1.3167 0.05421 120 90 22 8
1134 So you're here for your thirteenth opinion? 1.3167 0.04877 120 86 30 4
1135 This hobby and a simple hiccup is what eventually got me interested in surgery. 1.3162 0.04953 117 84 29 4
1136 100% success rate 1.3162 0.05100 117 85 27 5
1137 You have one knife left. Care to gamble? 1.3162 0.05081 136 102 25 9
1138 Nurse Bobbitt will see you now for your prostate exam. 1.3162 0.04973 136 101 27 8
1139 I attended the PT Barnum School of Medicine. 1.3162 0.04973 136 101 27 8
1140 This is the part of your exam where we test your anxiety level. 1.3162 0.05081 136 102 25 9
1141 you see,you've got nothing to worry about 1.3162 0.04862 136 100 29 7
1142 Would you like a local anesthetic? 1.3158 0.05886 114 88 16 10
1143 First we'll do my eye test. 1.3158 0.05033 114 82 28 4
1144 There are some minor risks with this procedure. 1.3158 0.05847 95 70 20 5
1145 The chances for success are slim, but let’s take a stab at it. 1.3158 0.05160 133 100 24 9
1146 And I don’t even need malpractice insurance to do this 1.3158 0.05160 133 100 24 9
1147 Well, Richard, it’s time for your vasectomy. 1.3158 0.04817 133 97 30 6
1148 Patients actually prefer the more invasive procedure 1.3154 0.05126 130 97 25 8
1149 pull up your drape and standup against the wall---I only have one throw left and I feel very lucky this morning! 1.3154 0.05126 130 97 25 8
1150 Good news,Mr. Katz. Your stress test results appear normal. 1.3153 0.05862 111 85 17 9
1151 You might feel a slight pinch. 1.3153 0.05116 111 80 27 4
1152 Your insurance might not cover this. 1.3153 0.05721 111 84 19 8
1153 We’ll do a trial of targeted therapy 1.3153 0.05576 111 83 21 7
1154 I told you losing some weight would benefit you. 1.3153 0.05427 111 82 23 6
1155 Granted, it’s not the traditional way of removing a mole. 1.3150 0.04835 127 92 30 5
1156 Before this method, vasectomies were just too routine for me. 1.3148 0.05368 108 79 24 5
1157 Your plan probably covers this. 1.3148 0.05204 108 78 26 4
1158 See, you can trust me. 1.3148 0.05035 108 77 28 3
1159 Stop complaining, Mom told us both to go to medical school. 1.3148 0.05681 108 81 20 7
1160 I always hone my skills before vasectomies 1.3148 0.05368 108 79 24 5
1161 Now, I am also doing appendicitis. 1.3146 0.06510 89 68 14 7
1162 It's just a little hobby to calm myself before surgeries. 1.3146 0.06105 89 66 18 5
1163 Not bad for a proctologist. 1.3145 0.05168 124 92 25 7
1164 It’s what we call a can’t miss procedure. 1.3145 0.05039 124 91 27 6
1165 I must confess, in my line of work we’re actually supposed to hit the body with it. 1.3145 0.04908 124 90 29 5
1166 And now you can breathe out. 1.3145 0.04908 124 90 29 5
1167 Yes, this is a teaching hospital. The freshman knife throwing class was in here last. 1.3143 0.04764 140 103 30 7
1168 Anywhere against the board's OK. 1.3143 0.05276 140 108 20 12
1169 And believe it or not,this treatment is covered by most HMOs ! 1.3139 0.04605 137 99 33 5
1170 There is still a spot between your legs! 1.3137 0.06382 102 80 12 10
1171 So far I'm batting 100 per cent. 1.3137 0.05020 102 72 28 2
1172 Surgery can be hit or miss. 1.3137 0.05393 102 74 24 4
1173 Great, I think I'm warmed up now. 1.3136 0.05205 118 87 25 6
1174 Sir, this is cutting-edge technology… 1.3134 0.05016 134 100 26 8
1175 Yes, your aura-ectomy went very well. 1.3134 0.05016 134 100 26 8
1176 It works best when you assume the worst. 1.3131 0.05304 99 71 25 3
1177 It's not an exact science. 1.3130 0.05435 115 86 22 7
1178 Most effective treatment we have for constipation . 1.3130 0.05709 115 88 18 9
1179 The least invasive procedure doesn’t appear to be working. 1.3130 0.05293 115 85 24 6
1180 Trust me, I always miss. 1.3130 0.04857 131 96 29 6
1181 The ones that land inside the outline don't leave marks. 1.3130 0.05428 131 101 19 11
1182 and then the flamethrower cauterizes the wound. 1.3129 0.05090 147 113 22 12
1183 Would you like a blindfold? 1.3125 0.05533 112 84 21 7
1184 Don't worry, we're more accurate when the patient is three dimensional. 1.3125 0.05602 96 70 22 4
1185 Time for the stress test. Our treadmill is on the fritz. 1.3125 0.05795 96 71 20 5
1186 As you see, my bypass rates are very good. 1.3125 0.05234 112 82 25 5
1187 I'm afraid that you haven't gotten the point. 1.3125 0.05602 96 70 22 4
1188 We'll adjust your meds based oh how you handle stress. It only takes a minute 1.3125 0.05533 112 84 21 7
1189 Now do you trust that I’m good with a scalpel? 1.3125 0.04929 128 94 28 6
1190 You're my first vasectomy as a circus performer. 1.3120 0.05133 125 93 25 7
1191 I'd like to redo the procedure to make sure we didn't miss anything. 1.3120 0.04875 125 91 29 5
1192 It's important that you trust your surgeon. 1.3120 0.05005 125 92 27 6
1193 Just a little warm-up exercise before performing your open heart surgery... 1.3120 0.05005 125 92 27 6
1194 As your twin brother are you sure you trust me on this 1.3120 0.04740 125 90 31 4
1195 You did well on the startle test. 1.3119 0.04824 109 77 30 2
1196 No, this procedure is not covered by medicare. 1.3119 0.05326 109 80 24 5
1197 They don't call me Steady Freddy for nothing. 1.3119 0.05483 109 81 22 6
1198 To improve their confidence before surgery, I like to show my patients my skills with a knife. Go stand there. 1.3118 0.05508 93 67 23 3
1199 I put all my patients under the knife. 1.3115 0.05216 122 91 24 7
1200 So ask yourself... are ya feeling lucky! 1.3115 0.05470 122 93 20 9
1201 Your insurance doesn’t cover the wheel. 1.3115 0.05344 122 92 22 8
1202 Laxatives are for cowards. 1.3115 0.05085 122 90 26 6
1203 my patients stay really motivated to lose weight, Mr. Jones 1.3115 0.05470 122 93 20 9
1204 You do realize that this surgery carries some risks 1.3115 0.05085 122 90 26 6
1205 'You can see I use cutting-edge technology." 1.3115 0.05344 122 92 22 8
1206 If you weren’t my twin brother, I’d suspect something fishy here. 1.3115 0.05216 122 91 24 7
1207 You don't have anything to worry about. I'm even better with a scalpel. 1.3113 0.05080 106 76 27 3
1208 # Pay your bill. 1.3113 0.05586 106 79 21 6
1209 I’ll also prescribe you some painkillers to treat any stabbing pain you might suffer. 1.3113 0.05423 106 78 23 5
1210 They'll have to give me my license back when they see this one. 1.3111 0.06047 90 67 18 5
1211 Now put an apple on your head, and we're good to go. 1.3111 0.06250 90 68 16 6
1212 Why don’t you let me take a stab at it? 1.3109 0.05167 119 88 25 6
1213 It’s why they call it the practice of surgery. 1.3107 0.05694 103 77 20 6
1214 So, I’ve narrowed the problem to somewhere within this area. 1.3107 0.05858 103 78 18 7
1215 I still don't have a diagnosis, but let me take one more stab at it. 1.3107 0.05349 103 75 24 4
1216 I'd say your odds are about even. 1.3106 0.04451 132 94 35 3
1217 Unfortunately, your insurance doesn’t cover the blindfold 1.3106 0.04825 132 97 29 6
1218 Trust the process. 1.3103 0.05110 116 85 26 5
1219 I’ll be in and out in no time. 1.3103 0.04961 116 84 28 4
1220 This is not what I meant when I agreed to go under the knife. 1.3103 0.05532 116 88 20 8
1221 Trust me, this works much better than acupuncture. 1.3103 0.06185 87 65 17 5
1222 Once you sign the Consent Form and the Financial Agreement, you can approach the procedure with complete confidence that you will probably survive with only minor side effects that may include pain, infection, nausea, heart attack, or even death. 1.3103 0.05666 116 89 18 9
1223 Your HMO won't cover stents, but stunts are on the house 1.3103 0.05797 116 90 16 10
1224 Those are your options for full insurance coverage. 1.3101 0.05369 129 99 20 10
1225 I like to add a little showmanship to an otherwise tedious circumcision procedure. 1.3100 0.06146 100 77 15 8
1226 They said, With an arm like that you could be throwing strikes for the Yankees. I chose thoracic surgery instead. 1.3097 0.05195 113 83 25 5
1227 Let's see a virtual doctor do that. 1.3097 0.05491 113 85 21 7
1228 Any questions about the procedure? 1.3097 0.05345 113 84 23 6
1229 Around the fifth knife, you should not be constipated anymore. 1.3097 0.05907 113 88 15 10
1230 It's a routine procedure. 1.3097 0.04537 155 115 32 8
1231 I would've sworn he was right there. 1.3093 0.05152 97 69 26 2
1232 The new stress test designed by the same guy who did our patient portal. 1.3091 0.05592 110 83 20 7
1233 Try to think of something else… 1.3091 0.05125 110 80 26 4
1234 I studied acupuncture at Le Cordon Bleu. 1.3091 0.05441 110 82 22 6
1235 We don’t bill for the misses; otherwise we would be audited for unnecessary surgery. 1.3089 0.04637 123 88 32 3
1236 I learned this technique while working at Coney Island Hospital. 1.3089 0.05180 123 92 24 7
1237 The first cut is the deepest. 1.3089 0.05049 123 91 26 6
1238 Your new medical plan does not cover invasive procedures. 1.3089 0.05307 123 93 22 8
1239 Great incentive to lose the weight 1.3089 0.05671 123 96 16 11
1240 This is how I warm up prior to your actual surgery. 1.3085 0.05863 94 70 19 5
1241 Don't worry ... it helps me relax before surgery. 1.3085 0.05665 94 69 21 4
1242 Ok you will need to take off the robe for the last one and turn your head and cough 1.3085 0.06422 94 73 13 8
1243 ... but it's on the operating table that the magic truly happens. 1.3085 0.05459 94 68 23 3
1244 There is just one more we have to place 1.3084 0.05213 107 78 25 4
1245 It's a non-invasive procedure called acu-non-puncture... usually anyway. 1.3084 0.05213 107 78 25 4
1246 This is a stress test combined with an occasional blood draw. 1.3084 0.05698 107 81 19 7
1247 I can do this with my eyes closed. 1.3084 0.05041 107 77 27 3
1248 Time to test your reflexes. 1.3084 0.05379 107 79 23 5
1249 You should not worry about the co-pay 1.3083 0.05265 120 90 23 7
1250 You may feel a sudden sharp pain but that is rare 1.3083 0.05131 120 89 25 6
1251 You see? Nothing to worry about. 1.3083 0.04992 120 88 27 5
1252 See? Nothing to be afraid of... Now go and stand there while I throw this last one. 1.3083 0.05397 120 91 21 8
1253 You'll need a podiatrist for the feet. 1.3083 0.04674 133 97 31 5
1254 Would a demonstration of my skills help you decide? 1.3077 0.05073 117 86 26 5
1255 It's the vasectomies that get tricky 1.3077 0.04925 117 85 28 4
1256 This procedure should jolt your sluggish adrenal system. 1.3077 0.05491 117 89 20 8
1257 We’ve never lost an outline. 1.3077 0.05479 104 77 22 5
1258 It really is minimally invasive. 1.3077 0.05567 91 66 22 3
1259 I’ve got one more. Assume the position. 1.3077 0.05104 130 98 24 8
1260 Don't worry, your HMO's got you covered. 1.3077 0.05306 104 76 24 4
1261 I find vasectomies more interesting this way. 1.3077 0.05104 130 98 24 8
1262 As you see, the last patient kept calm 1.3077 0.05647 104 78 20 6
1263 My last patient managed to get only side effects. 1.3077 0.05073 117 86 26 5
1264 Malpractice makes malperfect. 1.3077 0.05073 117 86 26 5
1265 Don’t worry, I am much better in surgery. 1.3077 0.04783 143 107 28 8
1266 You realize, this is only a rough outline. 1.3077 0.05355 117 88 22 7
1267 Don't worry. I have plenty of practice. 1.3077 0.04749 104 73 30 1
1268 The latest in cutting edge surgical technique! 1.3077 0.05647 104 78 20 6
1269 I haven't needed to order any blood transfusions yet. 1.3077 0.04454 117 82 34 1
1270 Stabbing pains can be a cau…er, symptom. 1.3077 0.05990 91 68 18 5
1271 0 for 12. 1.3077 0.05491 117 89 20 8
1272 As you can see, it’s totally safe and really helps us measure your stress tolerance. 1.3071 0.05063 127 95 25 7
1273 Be happy I 'm not the resident. 1.3071 0.05063 127 95 25 7
1274 I cannot emphasize enough how important it is to remain still during this procedure. 1.3070 0.05590 114 87 19 8
1275 As you can see, 'minimally invasive' is a bit of an understatement. 1.3070 0.04846 114 82 29 3
1276 I did my residency at a carnival midway. 1.3070 0.05449 114 86 21 7
1277 As you can see, I'm pretty good at this. 1.3069 0.05583 101 75 21 5
1278 Of course there are no marks from when you hit the guy 1.3069 0.06092 101 78 15 8
1279 They say accuracy with a throwing knife won't translate to delicate surgery, but let's get in there and prove them all wrong! 1.3069 0.05758 101 76 19 6
1280 It looks like we got clean margins. 1.3069 0.05927 101 77 17 7
1281 A second opinion will only get you flaming chainsaws. 1.3069 0.05583 101 75 21 5
1282 Correct. There's no mark on the wall when that happens. 1.3068 0.05907 88 65 19 4
1283 'This is not what I had in mind when I said take a stab at the diagnosis.' 1.3065 0.04746 124 90 30 4
1284 You passed the reflex test. Now let's see how well you stand still. 1.3063 0.05086 111 81 26 4
1285 We’re out of apples. 1.3063 0.05694 111 85 18 8
1286 What part of my recommendation that you go under the knife did you not understand. 1.3063 0.05548 111 84 20 7
1287 I worked my way through med school as a knife thrower. 1.3063 0.05086 111 81 26 4
1288 Surgery is always a bit hit or miss. 1.3063 0.05086 111 81 26 4
1289 The advance directive is solely a precaution… 1.3063 0.05399 111 83 22 6
1290 Scary? Ha, you should see the game the proctologists play. 1.3061 0.05876 98 74 18 6
1291 All 13 knives for one low price. Plus, if you order today, we'll include a lifetime supply of Bandaids. 1.3061 0.05876 98 74 18 6
1292 Last one between the legs? 1.3061 0.05694 98 73 20 5
1293 I have good news and bad news 1.3061 0.05506 98 72 22 4
1294 Exploratory surgery is rather hit-or-miss. 1.3060 0.04881 134 100 27 7
1295 This last knife will go where I will be operating on you. 1.3058 0.04958 121 89 27 5
1296 Well yes, medically-speaking, the mole is still on your body. 1.3058 0.04817 121 88 29 4
1297 Last but not least-- circumcision. 1.3058 0.05358 121 92 21 8
1298 This may not hurt at all. 1.3058 0.04671 121 87 31 3
1299 This will help you lose weight. 1.3056 0.05172 108 79 25 4
1300 The health insurance company denied coverage for a cardiac stress test. They suggest this lower cost alternative instead… 1.3053 0.05071 131 99 24 8
1301 This is the only test for the nervous system covered by your insurance 1.3053 0.04953 131 98 26 7
1302 Past performance is no guaranty of future results. 1.3053 0.04980 95 67 27 1
1303 I call it my 'do you trust your doctor'? game. Cool, huh? 1.3051 0.04890 118 86 28 4
1304 Now, you trust me to do the operation? 1.3051 0.04890 118 86 28 4
1305 Clearly the work of an amateur 1.3048 0.05263 105 77 24 4
1306 And you don't have to worry about any more children. 1.3048 0.05086 105 76 26 3
1307 Never lost a patient yet. 1.3048 0.05434 105 78 22 5
1308 What can I say? Med school was a real circus. 1.3048 0.05918 105 81 16 8
1309 Most are cured with only a single session 1.3048 0.05918 105 81 16 8
1310 I developed my technique under doctors Barnum and Bailey 1.3048 0.05086 105 76 26 3
1311 So why did I need to take off my pants? 1.3048 0.05600 105 79 20 6
1312 Let's see if 13 is indeed an unlucky number. 1.3047 0.05497 128 100 17 11
1313 Okay, let's try one more time. 1.3047 0.04905 128 95 27 6
1314 The results are still inconclusive — let’s keep throwing some things at it. 1.3047 0.05150 128 97 23 8
1315 They saw you in half in the next room. 1.3047 0.04905 128 95 27 6
1316 The surgeon has COVID so he's working remotely. 1.3043 0.05934 92 69 18 5
1317 There, you see? perfectly safe. 1.3043 0.05934 92 69 18 5
1318 No worries..this isn’t brain surgery, more like darts - with consequences 1.3043 0.05265 115 86 23 6
1319 Oh, just ignore that. It's nothing. 1.3043 0.06132 92 70 16 6
1320 Don't worry. This won't be just another hatchet job. 1.3043 0.05729 92 68 20 4
1321 Some prefer laparoscopic or robotic. I’m more of, what you might call, an analog guy. 1.3043 0.05816 115 90 15 10
1322 We’re gonna practice staying still for the MRI machine. 1.3043 0.05729 92 68 20 4
1323 There are no guarantees, but plenty of applause! 1.3041 0.04857 148 113 25 10
1324 Obviously I won't be wearing the blindfolds during your procedure. 1.3040 0.05108 125 94 24 7
1325 Before you stand up there again,let me ask you if you are circumcised? 1.3039 0.05709 102 77 19 6
1326 It’s still an experimental therapy. 1.3039 0.05358 102 75 23 4
1327 Your plan doesn't cover acupuncture. This is approximatepuncture. 1.3036 0.05505 112 85 20 7
1328 Think of it like an open MRI. 1.3036 0.05649 112 86 18 8
1329 Cure you? I'll take a stab at it. 1.3036 0.05357 112 84 22 6
1330 As you can see, I've done no harm. 1.3036 0.05357 112 84 22 6
1331 The hardest part is the anticipation 1.3036 0.05505 112 85 20 7
1332 It’s a cutting edge technique. 1.3036 0.05048 112 82 26 4
1333 Yeah, the gown is just precautionary. 1.3036 0.05048 112 82 26 4
1334 It's a conceptual art piece my twin brother bought for me, entitled 'The Thirteenth Knife.' 1.3036 0.05649 112 86 18 8
1335 I told you I had superb knife skills. 1.3036 0.05048 112 82 26 4
1336 He's in a really good mood today. 1.3034 0.06065 89 67 17 5
1337 It’s a fear-based treatment. We find that it cuts down on return visits by 90%! 1.3033 0.05191 122 92 23 7
1338 You, however, will be under the knife. 1.3030 0.05824 99 75 18 6
1339 I’ve done this, literally, dozens of times. 1.3030 0.04680 132 97 30 5
1340 Truly a cutting-edge procedure 1.3030 0.05644 99 74 20 5
1341 I like to think I'm putting the fun back into surgery. 1.3028 0.05453 109 82 21 6
1342 I like to call it non-invasive surgery. 1.3028 0.05756 109 84 17 8
1343 I have one more option I'd like to try. 1.3028 0.04964 109 79 27 3
1344 Are you ready for your follow up? 1.3028 0.05132 109 80 25 4
1345 That's as close as I can get given your insurance. 1.3025 0.05277 119 90 22 7
1346 Now that I'm warmed up, let's see what's going on with that gallbladder! 1.3025 0.05277 119 90 22 7
1347 We use cutting edge techniques 1.3025 0.04707 119 86 30 3
1348 You'll never guess where this one stuck. 1.3025 0.04707 119 86 30 3
1349 You have nothing to worry about,it'll just be a small incision. 1.3023 0.05980 86 64 18 4
1350 Keeps me in practice. 1.3023 0.06421 86 66 14 6
1351 So far all the tests are negative, but in this case that’s actually a good thing 1.3023 0.05503 86 62 22 2
1352 Don't worry. This is an outpatient procedure. 1.3021 0.05565 96 71 21 4
1353 Don't worry, it's very routine. 1.3021 0.05565 96 71 21 4
1354 It's important to make an outcision before you make an incision. 1.3021 0.05155 96 69 25 2
1355 I worked my way through medical school on the carnival circuit. 1.3019 0.05221 106 78 24 4
1356 If I can’t get a diagnosis after this, I’ll have to refer you to my surgery colleagues. 1.3019 0.05221 106 78 24 4
1357 I took it up during the pandemic. 1.3019 0.05046 106 77 26 3
1358 If you're in the placebo group, you have nothing to worry about. 1.3019 0.05390 106 79 22 5
1359 Now, on to your vasectomy. 1.3019 0.05714 106 81 18 7
1360 I promise I’m more accurate when it’s an actual person. 1.3019 0.05221 106 78 24 4
1361 Testing methods can be hit or miss. 1.3017 0.04931 116 85 27 4
1362 I got my medical degree at Harvard, but specialized in general surgery with the Ringling Brothers. 1.3015 0.05040 136 104 23 9
1363 Now lay down and let me saw you in half. 1.3011 0.06074 93 71 16 6
1364 See? Not a single incision 1.3011 0.05467 93 68 22 3
1365 Reflexes seem fine 1.3011 0.05879 93 70 18 5
1366 See, the challenge here is to positively stay outside the lines. 1.3011 0.05879 93 70 18 5
1367 I'm that rare doctor that IS a magician. 1.3011 0.06264 93 72 14 7
1368 We felt the same way about Covid - hit or miss? 1.3010 0.06145 103 81 13 9
1369 No, there’s no need to make a fist while I draw some blood. 1.3010 0.04943 103 74 27 2
1370 Ready for your circumcision? 1.3010 0.05314 103 76 23 4
1371 I'm not sure I'm really cut out for life outside of the circus. 1.3010 0.05490 103 77 21 5
1372 Just be glad we don’t have to saw you in half. 1.3010 0.05490 103 77 21 5
1373 I’ll be honest, after it’s over, some patients have needed a hand or two.” 1.3010 0.05988 103 80 15 8
1374 It’s how I perfected my surgical skills. So relax 1.3010 0.05490 103 77 21 5
1375 See, this won't hurt at all 1.3010 0.05661 103 78 19 6
1376 Ok,how about you give me one try and then we can do the vasectomy the old-fashioned way 1.3010 0.05490 103 77 21 5
1377 You will want to keep your eyes closed for this test. 1.3010 0.05827 103 79 17 7
1378 Your insurance might not cover this procedure. 1.3010 0.05490 103 77 21 5
1379 Survivor bias tells us that 100% of people survive when the knife misses them. 1.3010 0.05132 103 75 25 3
1380 At your age, are you still sure you want a circumcision? 1.3009 0.05316 113 85 22 6
1381 Next, I’ll have you go to the wall for a series of stress tests. 1.3009 0.05316 113 85 22 6
1382 Before you go under the knife I thought we'd have a little fun 1.3009 0.05010 113 83 26 4
1383 Oh, I see…it’s hilarious when Penn and Tellerdoes this… but Dr. Murray Menkman does it once and it’s “malpractice” 1.3009 0.05606 113 87 18 8
1384 On average, my operations are a success. 1.3009 0.05010 113 83 26 4
1385 Trust me, this is cutting edge medical testing technology. 1.3009 0.05463 113 86 20 7
1386 Consistency is good! 1.3009 0.05606 113 87 18 8
1387 Have you signed the liability waiver? 1.3009 0.05166 113 84 24 5
1388 This is intended to illustrate the importance of remaining perfectly still during the procedure. 1.3008 0.04751 123 90 29 4
1389 So, you're okay now with this operation? See how accurate I am? 1.3008 0.05282 123 94 21 8
1390 These are not the results I was hoping for 1.3008 0.05024 123 92 25 6
1391 We haven't quite pinpointed the problem. 1.3008 0.04889 133 100 26 7
1392 I’m a graduate of the Jackson Pollock School of Orthopedics. 1.3008 0.04771 133 99 28 6
1393 It's a double blind clinical trial. Want to join? 1.3008 0.05227 133 103 20 10
1394 Don’t worry. I could do this blindfolded. 1.3000 0.05412 100 74 22 4
1395 The procedure is minimally invasive, as you can see. 1.3000 0.05093 110 81 25 4
1396 If you make it, you win the complete set! 1.3000 0.05412 100 74 22 4
1397 Don't worry, we let our other surgeon go. 1.3000 0.05254 110 82 23 5
1398 You've got to ask yourself one question: 'Do I feel lucky?' Well, do you, punk? 1.3000 0.05411 110 83 21 6
1399 I show this to all my patients who ask if l have good eyesight and a steady hand. 1.3000 0.05411 110 83 21 6
1400 You see I’m board certified. 1.3000 0.06007 90 68 17 5
1401 It is our new and improved stress test. 1.3000 0.04965 120 89 26 5
1402 With those eyebrows and as you already have lost your right arm, you're chances of success are, ooh, 15-20% better, I'd guess" 1.3000 0.05563 110 84 19 7
1403 We found the cause of the stabbing pain. 1.3000 0.05774 100 76 18 6
1404 So you see there's no need to worry, we're well trained here at Barnum & Bailey medical center. 1.3000 0.05596 100 75 20 5
1405 I can perform this procedure blindfolded... 1.3000 0.06007 90 68 17 5
1406 It's not called "throwing" it's surgery. 1.3000 0.05411 110 83 21 6
1407 I see you've had some close calls. 1.3000 0.05254 110 82 23 5
1408 My heart just isn’t in it. 1.3000 0.05774 100 76 18 6
1409 See? You’ll be perfectly fine 1.3000 0.04965 120 89 26 5
1410 We do this on an outpatient basis. 1.2992 0.04516 127 92 32 3
1411 As with any procedure, there’s always a small risk of bleeding afterwards. 1.2991 0.05728 117 92 15 10
1412 You can stand forward or backward. 1.2991 0.05044 117 87 25 5
1413 It's how I test of the strength of your prostate. 1.2991 0.05328 117 89 21 7
1414 Now,imagine what I can do with a scalpel. 1.2991 0.05188 117 88 23 6
1415 So you’re a practicing surgeon?! 1.2991 0.05598 117 91 17 9
1416 Mom didn't want twins. 1.2991 0.05510 107 81 20 6
1417 Now can you trust me with your heart? 1.2991 0.05347 107 80 22 5
1418 It’s a two-fer, checking your reflexes and mine. 1.2991 0.05180 107 79 24 4
1419 You're the perfect "Physician's Assistant!" 1.2991 0.05667 107 82 18 7
1420 Unfortunately this is the only surgical option available without health insurance. 1.2991 0.05667 107 82 18 7
1421 Believe me, acupuncture will do you the world of good 1.2991 0.05347 107 80 22 5
1422 So. You're wondering, Is this lucky thirteen or unlucky? How's your prostate feeling now? 1.2991 0.05510 107 81 20 6
1423 Of course, there's always a first time. 1.2990 0.05892 97 74 17 6
1424 Still, it's better than going under the knife. 1.2990 0.05112 97 70 25 2
1425 This, or the standard vasectomy? 1.2990 0.05516 97 72 21 4
1426 Didn’t you read the terms and conditions when you changed HMO plans? 1.2990 0.05707 97 73 19 5
1427 Your test came back clear 1.2990 0.05317 97 71 23 3
1428 I barely made the cut into medical school 1.2990 0.05516 97 72 21 4
1429 My specialty is non invasive surgery. 1.2989 0.06143 87 66 16 5
1430 Just a little game my former partner and I used to play. You remember my former partner, don’t you 1.2986 0.04935 144 111 23 10
1431 Of course, you will be spinning in the OR. 1.2985 0.04741 134 100 28 6
1432 This procedure has a high rate of success, presuming patient cooperation. 1.2984 0.04989 124 93 25 6
1433 Checking your reflex with that little hammer is so blasé. 1.2982 0.05421 114 87 20 7
1434 Since you are a bit old for a bris, I thought we would do it, the Ed Ames way. 1.2982 0.05127 114 85 24 5
1435 Before I operate you have to prove you trust me. 1.2982 0.05276 114 86 22 6
1436 If I miss, you win a teddy bear. 1.2982 0.05127 114 85 24 5
1437 I’ve been Board certified to perform this cutting edge Surgery. 1.2982 0.05276 114 86 22 6
1438 On your insurance plan, this IS cutting-edge technology 1.2982 0.05276 114 86 22 6
1439 I did pretty well with the last patient. 1.2982 0.04480 114 81 32 1
1440 If this doesn't work, try some prune juice. 1.2981 0.05445 104 78 21 5
1441 Once this is over, you will be looking forward to surgery! 1.2981 0.04904 104 75 27 2
1442 Circumcision du Soleil 1.2981 0.06244 104 83 11 10
1443 I don't expect your shadow to bother you again, Peter. 1.2981 0.06391 104 84 9 11
1444 Well, no. It doesn't cure anything. But it does take your mind off your illness and that is something. 1.2979 0.05625 94 70 20 4
1445 ....and your insurance covers this. 1.2979 0.05418 94 69 22 3
1446 Once I start, you'll be amazed how fast you expel that kidney stone! 1.2979 0.05625 94 70 20 4
1447 You may experience some slight discomfort... 1.2979 0.05625 94 70 20 4
1448 Now just relax. 1.2979 0.04694 141 106 28 7
1449 My guidance teacher always said I belonged in the circus. 1.2979 0.05418 94 69 22 3
1450 The tricky part is getting the anesthesia right 1.2976 0.06055 84 63 17 4
1451 I've only missed once, but it was okay since the patient was transitioning anyway. 1.2975 0.05202 121 92 22 7
1452 If you want me to take the blindfold off, that costs extra ! 1.2973 0.05519 111 85 19 7
1453 I like to practice before the actual surgery. 1.2973 0.04644 148 112 28 8
1454 You fit the profile for the minimally invasive procedure but there’s always a risk. 1.2973 0.05054 111 82 25 4
1455 Let's decide the location of my first incision. 1.2973 0.05368 111 84 21 6
1456 You need to go under the knife 1.2973 0.05368 111 84 21 6
1457 Well Mr. Smith, we pinned out all the places you don’t have an infection. 1.2973 0.05214 111 83 23 5
1458 My weight loss program is quite simple. 1.2971 0.04869 138 105 25 8
1459 The procedure is not without its risks 1.2970 0.05179 101 74 24 3
1460 It's the latest thing in body sculpting. 1.2970 0.05724 101 77 18 6
1461 I'm just not certain how many more times you can avoid going under the knife. 1.2970 0.05548 101 76 20 5
1462 Knives Out 1.2970 0.05894 101 78 16 7
1463 The operating room’s like that—a little luck, and all’s well. 1.2969 0.05005 128 97 24 7
1464 I was aiming for the prostate. 1.2967 0.06151 91 70 15 6
1465 Notice, we don't ask you to spread your legs 1.2967 0.06151 91 70 15 6
1466 Let me begin by saying that one of us is an evil twin and I do not think it is you. 1.2967 0.06151 91 70 15 6
1467 I call it Near Death therapy " By Tom Sievers 1.2967 0.06151 91 70 15 6
1468 We're zeroing in on where the problem may be. 1.2967 0.05741 91 68 19 4
1469 First, do no harm.” Check! 1.2966 0.05289 118 90 21 7
1470 I specialize in circumcisions. 1.2966 0.05289 118 90 21 7
1471 It's cheaper than acupuncture. 1.2966 0.05424 118 91 19 8
1472 We streamlined our blood and stool sample retrieval process 1.2966 0.05150 118 89 23 6
1473 I call it non-invasive acupuncture." 1.2963 0.05139 108 80 24 4
1474 However, during surgery, I will be cutting inside the lines. 1.2963 0.05921 108 85 14 9
1475 So, you said it's a "stabby" sort of pain? Let's confirm. 1.2963 0.05622 108 83 18 7
1476 No need to worry. I've been practicing for a long time. 1.2963 0.05465 108 82 20 6
1477 Only cutting edge treatment for you. 1.2963 0.05305 108 81 22 5
1478 As you can see, in repeated clinical trials, there is a good success rate for this procedure 1.2963 0.05305 108 81 22 5
1479 I agree. You do seem a bit anxious. 1.2963 0.05399 81 58 22 1
1480 For this stress test most patients wear their masks about four inches higher. 1.2959 0.05840 98 75 17 6
1481 After we finish here we'll need to get your blood pressure before we can proceed. 1.2959 0.06017 98 76 15 7
1482 Of course, it's the scare that cures the hiccups, but the procedure is perfectly safe. As the outline clearly shows, the knives never touch a patient. 1.2959 0.05468 98 73 21 4
1483 I have a different procedure for a shooting pain. 1.2959 0.05840 98 75 17 6
1484 You were sleeping so you didn't get to see, but it was pretty awesome. 1.2957 0.05089 115 86 24 5
1485 You could say I’m not you’re average psychiatrist. 1.2957 0.05089 115 86 24 5
1486 As you can see, this procedure is designed to be 'minimally invasive'. 1.2957 0.05236 115 87 22 6
1487 We are now ready for the live model. 1.2955 0.05399 88 64 22 2
1488 I'd like to run a few more tests 1.2952 0.05228 105 78 23 4
1489 You should see me do a vasectomy. 1.2952 0.05567 105 80 19 6
1490 Care to take a stab at it? 1.2952 0.05050 105 77 25 3
1491 This should scare the crap right out of you. 1.2952 0.05730 105 81 17 7
1492 We need to do more blood work. . . 1.2952 0.05730 105 81 17 7
1493 Just be sure not to cough. 1.2952 0.05400 105 79 21 5
1494 I did my internship at Sinai, and my residency at Barnum & Bailey. 1.2952 0.05400 105 79 21 5
1495 Oh that, is an artwork given to me by a satisfied client. 1.2952 0.05400 105 79 21 5
1496 Why yes— this will be my first vasectomy. 1.2951 0.05165 122 93 22 7
1497 I’m not saying your knife work isn’t impressive, but I’d still like to go with the laser option for my cataracts. 1.2951 0.05165 122 93 22 7
1498 Which organ is giving you issues again? 1.2951 0.04895 122 91 26 5
1499 These are the areas that your HMO have approved. 1.2949 0.06350 78 59 15 4
1500 You definitely need glasses as you didn’t flinch at all. 1.2949 0.06607 78 60 13 5
1501 That takes care of your external exam. Now let's have a look inside. 1.2947 0.05962 95 73 16 6
1502 It’s an option we offer for patients with no insurance. 1.2947 0.05962 95 73 16 6
1503 I promise this is the least invasive constipation remedy. 1.2947 0.05772 95 72 18 5
1504 My mother was incredibly disappointed that I chose medicine over the circus. 1.2947 0.05370 95 70 22 3
1505 So I think you shouldn’t have the surgery. 1.2947 0.05370 95 70 22 3
1506 Bro, it's a novel procedure for curing chronic hiccups, sure, but, so far, it's been 100% successful. 1.2946 0.05621 112 87 17 8
1507 Prostate next--it won't hurt either. 1.2946 0.04853 112 82 27 3
1508 I practice target-specific knife skills before I perform heart surgery. 1.2946 0.04853 112 82 27 3
1509 The last guy did just fine. He has PTSD now, but we got rid of his low blood pressure. 1.2946 0.05174 112 84 23 5
1510 ... but this is a risk I am prepared for you to take. 1.2946 0.05174 112 84 23 5
1511 This ensures you won't be wasting our time fidgeting when you go through the MRI. 1.2941 0.04908 136 104 24 8
1512 Are you feeling lucky? 1.2941 0.04944 102 74 26 2
1513 It’s a sideline… 1.2941 0.05322 102 76 22 4
1514 You see? No damage to the wall where people stand! 1.2941 0.05675 102 78 18 6
1515 Can you believe they want to take away my license for this? 1.2941 0.05501 102 77 20 5
1516 This is why we call it the practice of medicine… 1.2941 0.05113 119 90 23 6
1517 This MRI is really throwing me off, but I think I’ll take a stab at it. 1.2941 0.04826 119 88 27 4
1518 I propose we use this non-invasive procedure. 1.2941 0.05250 119 91 21 7
1519 We've perfected our treatment for hiccups. 1.2941 0.04826 119 88 27 4
1520 So, where does it hurt? 1.2941 0.05675 102 78 18 6
1521 You can trust me. 1.2941 0.05501 102 77 20 5
1522 What did you think I meant when I said you’d have to go under the knife? 1.2941 0.05843 102 79 16 7
1523 You have insufficient thigh-gap. 1.2936 0.05422 109 83 20 6
1524 Face the wall, please 1.2936 0.05422 109 83 20 6
1525 It's OK, it's 99% effective. 1.2936 0.05263 109 82 22 5
1526 It’s conclusive, you’re repelling. 1.2936 0.05576 109 84 18 7
1527 Trust me. Non invasive surgery is the way to go. 1.2936 0.05422 109 83 20 6
1528 No need to be nervous—it’s our way of measuring your blood pressure. 1.2936 0.05422 109 83 20 6
1529 ‘This is a standard procedure for people with trust issues’ 1.2936 0.05422 109 83 20 6
1530 It's a little like acupuncture. 1.2935 0.05687 92 69 19 4
1531 That's where I won't be cutting. 1.2935 0.06093 92 71 15 6
1532 Just one more spot to fill - between your knees 1.2935 0.06093 92 71 15 6
1533 Let’s start with a blood sample. 1.2935 0.05687 92 69 19 4
1534 I don't get certified until I solo. 1.2931 0.05478 116 90 18 8
1535 On the plus side, it's a real crowd-pleaser. 1.2931 0.04745 116 85 28 3
1536 I specialize in outpatient procedures. 1.2931 0.05340 116 89 20 7
1537 This is what we mean when we say it’s up to the board 1.2931 0.05051 116 87 24 5
1538 I've never lost a patient yet. 1.2929 0.04816 99 71 27 1
1539 Here's where we determine if you're a fit for Speaker-of-the-House. 1.2929 0.05420 99 74 21 4
1540 ...but the patient did not know there was one more knife... 1.2927 0.05881 82 61 18 3
1541 Soon your troubles will be over. 1.2927 0.06605 82 64 12 6
1542 See that accuracy? So relax,your vasectomy will be a piece of cake. 1.2927 0.05128 123 94 22 7
1543 As you can see, Bob, you lack all internal organs, and thus, makes you eligible to run Twitter. 1.2925 0.05186 106 79 23 4
1544 No Worries. I've done this procedure hundreds of times. 1.2925 0.05356 106 80 21 5
1545 You'll be fine. 1.2925 0.05010 106 78 25 3
1546 It looks like you have peripheral nerve damage 1.2925 0.04827 106 77 27 2
1547 Just beginners luck. 1.2925 0.05186 106 79 23 4
1548 It’s the only way to test your reflexes 1.2925 0.05356 106 80 21 5
1549 As you can see your first twelve test results were quite good. 1.2925 0.04827 106 77 27 2
1550 After med school, I did my residency at Cirque du Soleil. 1.2925 0.05010 106 78 25 3
1551 Do you trust me more now with my circumcision skill? 1.2920 0.05134 113 85 23 5
1552 Now we're going to test your reflexes. 1.2920 0.04817 113 83 27 3
1553 My last diagnosis was right on target. 1.2920 0.04978 113 84 25 4
1554 The next one should be perfect. 1.2920 0.04817 113 83 27 3
1555 We frequented axe throwing bars during residency. 1.2920 0.05433 113 87 19 7
1556 I wouldn’t recommend moving. 1.2920 0.04650 113 82 29 2
1557 Do you remember Ed Ames ? 1.2920 0.04978 113 84 25 4
1558 Congratulations Mr. Tarjay - it seems you passed your stress test. 1.2920 0.04877 137 105 24 8
1559 Once we establish you have P.T.S.D. -- you'll qualify for a Medical Marijuana Liscense. 1.2917 0.05908 96 74 16 6
1560 Oh, I'm more than a mere vascular surgeon... 1.2917 0.04936 120 90 25 5
1561 So… shall we enroll you in the trial? 1.2917 0.05524 96 72 20 4
1562 It's either this or 'turn your head and cough' 1.2917 0.05908 96 74 16 6
1563 Before we start the operation, I'll need to calibrate my tools. 1.2917 0.04936 120 90 25 5
1564 This next test might eliminate a diagnosis of triskaidekaphobia. 1.2917 0.05322 96 71 22 3
1565 This will test your nerves, and mine too. 1.2917 0.05345 120 93 19 8
1566 I feel pretty good about my warmup tosses, now step on up there and let’s see if I can take care of that leaky heart valve… 1.2917 0.05345 120 93 19 8
1567 I took an oath. 1.2917 0.05524 96 72 20 4
1568 I'd like to do some exploratory surgery. 1.2917 0.04792 120 89 27 4
1569 Come to think of it, you are my 13th patient today. Why do you ask? 1.2917 0.05322 96 71 22 3
1570 That’s my last accuracy test. Any more competency questions? 1.2913 0.04904 103 75 26 2
1571 No worries, as you can see, but you can face the other direction if that feels more comfortable. 1.2913 0.05793 103 80 16 7
1572 And after we check your blood pressure. 1.2913 0.05278 103 77 22 4
1573 You're in luck, the operating theater gets a good crowd on Fridays. 1.2913 0.05455 103 78 20 5
1574 So far,the success rate has been high, but I’m obligated to inform you of the risks involved 1.2913 0.05278 103 77 22 4
1575 I'm gonna give one more stab at your diagnosis. 1.2909 0.05532 110 85 18 7
1576 In appreciation of your being an organ donor, you get to choose from a wide variety of fun operating tables. 1.2909 0.05532 110 85 18 7
1577 Where do you want it? 1.2909 0.05222 110 83 22 5
1578 And now we will test your sphincter. 1.2909 0.05222 110 83 22 5
1579 All of our surgeons are rigorously tested. 1.2909 0.04718 110 80 28 2
1580 What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. 1.2909 0.05681 110 86 16 8
1581 You should know that there are side effects 1.2909 0.05222 110 83 22 5
1582 To be fair, these procedures have been more successful since the FDA banned axes. 1.2909 0.05379 110 84 20 6
1583 I think I can squeeze you in. 1.2907 0.05698 86 64 19 3
1584 Same elevated heart rate as a treadmill, but much more fun for me. 1.2907 0.06159 86 66 15 5
1585 We're a little closer than we were the last time you were in. We should be able to hit on something nore definite by your next visit. 1.2907 0.05698 86 64 19 3
1586 Well, we've tried everything else. 1.2906 0.05014 117 88 24 5
1587 Your wife says I’ll either be doing your vasectomy or your son’s bris. 1.2906 0.05300 117 90 20 7
1588 That’s a general outline of the exploratory procedure. 1.2903 0.04828 124 93 26 5
1589 Ringling Brothers Medical School 1.2903 0.05423 93 69 21 3
1590 A robot will be performing the actual surgery. 1.2903 0.05634 93 70 19 4
1591 Just one more to go..... 1.2903 0.05634 93 70 19 4
1592 As I told you, this operation is tricky. 1.2903 0.05203 93 68 23 2
1593 I find it’s therapeutic. Not for the patient, of course. 1.2900 0.05559 100 76 19 5
1594 You should be happy to see that I’m good with a knife 1.2900 0.05374 100 75 21 4
1595 One more try. The appendix is tricky. 1.2900 0.05183 100 74 23 3
1596 I’ll take a stab at general anesthesia next. 1.2900 0.05559 100 76 19 5
1597 So far, I've never lost a patient. 1.2900 0.04777 100 72 27 1
1598 The higher the risk, the more your insurance pays. 1.2897 0.05145 107 80 23 4
1599 Do you always stand with your legs so close together? 1.2897 0.05940 107 85 13 9
1600 My successes are impressive. My mistakes are buried. 1.2897 0.05635 107 83 17 7
1601 I'm successful 12 out of 13 times. 1.2897 0.05477 107 82 19 6
1602 Perhaps you’d like to hear about our innovative surgical techniques that allow for social distancing 1.2897 0.05313 107 81 21 5
1603 It’s just an outline at this point. 1.2897 0.05313 107 81 21 5
1604 We’ve found having knives thrown at patients can help distract from their bill. 1.2897 0.05635 107 83 17 7
1605 The tests confirm it, Mr. Musk. It seems you're utterly repellant. 1.2895 0.05672 114 90 15 9
1606 If you don't trust your surgeon, who can you trust? 1.2895 0.04941 114 85 25 4
1607 You're Bronze Plan, right? 1.2895 0.04941 114 85 25 4
1608 But let's check with the anesthesiologist. 1.2895 0.05246 114 87 21 6
1609 What did you think ‘going under the knife’ meant? 1.2895 0.05096 114 86 23 5
1610 I was aiming for the aura 1.2895 0.05096 114 86 23 5
1611 Now just stand in the middle and we’ll get that open heart surgery started. 1.2895 0.05534 114 89 17 8
1612 Don't worry. There's no copay. 1.2893 0.04901 121 91 25 5
1613 Not bad for a lefty. 1.2893 0.05174 121 93 21 7
1614 So, you need your appendix taken out. Applause will cost extra. 1.2892 0.05821 83 62 18 3
1615 This test will help us rule out survivorship bias... 1.2889 0.04687 135 102 27 6
1616 Sir, your nerves are fine 1.2889 0.05299 90 66 22 2
1617 You should see what the anaesthetist can do. 1.2889 0.05751 90 68 18 4
1618 It's 'cutting edge' technology. Let me try one more time." 1.2889 0.06369 90 71 12 7
1619 As with any innovative surgical technique, there's a certain amount of risk involved. 1.2889 0.06170 90 70 14 6
1620 I can assure you, the technology is cutting-edge. 1.2887 0.05475 97 73 20 4
1621 I know you mentioned you were Board Certified but… 1.2887 0.06211 97 77 12 8
1622 And now I am going to test your scream reflex. 1.2885 0.05744 104 81 16 7
1623 So as I mentioned, the procedure is non-invasive 1.2885 0.05409 104 79 20 5
1624 Let me have a try. Everyone else has bad eyesight. 1.2885 0.05234 104 78 22 4
1625 Now, which organ? 1.2883 0.05181 111 84 22 5
1626 Blame your new insurance plan. 1.2883 0.05181 111 84 22 5
1627 I’m all set for the incision. 1.2881 0.04677 118 87 28 3
1628 As you can see, I'm not a believer in invasive surgery. 1.2880 0.04795 125 94 26 5
1629 6 feet tall. Let’s move on to taking your blood pressure. 1.2880 0.04795 125 94 26 5
1630 Apparently the new vaccine does offer protection. 1.2880 0.05183 125 97 20 8
1631 I told you I swore to do no harm. 1.2880 0.04795 125 94 26 5
1632 I got my degree in Las Vegas. 1.2880 0.04927 125 95 24 6
1633 During the pre-screening your blood pressure got dangerously high. 1.2880 0.04795 125 94 26 5
1634 Don't worry...it's covered by Obamacare. 1.2878 0.04594 139 105 28 6
1635 Next time we'll be requesting anesthesia, now, won't we? 1.2875 0.06702 80 63 11 6
1636 ...but there's always a first time. 1.2874 0.05642 87 65 19 3
1637 I just invented this final exam a week ago. 1.2874 0.05400 87 64 21 2
1638 As you can see, I occasionally 'miss my mark,' diagnostically speaking. 1.2874 0.05146 87 63 23 1
1639 Step over to my examination wall and we'll see if we can target your condition. 1.2874 0.05874 87 66 17 4
1640 My early years in the circus came in handy during med school 1.2872 0.05157 94 69 23 2
1641 Now do you trust me with your circumcision? 1.2872 0.05978 94 73 15 6
1642 They dropped me from surgery, so now I took this up. 1.2872 0.05374 94 70 21 3
1643 Of course, no surgery is without its slight risks... 1.2872 0.05784 94 72 17 5
1644 Well, it's a good thing I'm not a surgeon. 1.2872 0.05374 94 70 21 3
1645 This is the final step for your colonoscopy prep. 1.2871 0.04943 101 74 25 2
1646 Before I go in, I like to hone my knife skills. 1.2871 0.05328 101 76 21 4
1647 It’s for your constipation. 1.2871 0.05511 101 77 19 5
1648 Let me explain how the procedure works... 1.2871 0.05139 101 75 23 3
1649 I graduated from Barnum & Bailey... 1.2871 0.05328 101 76 21 4
1650 As you can see, this won't hurt a bit. 1.2870 0.05271 108 82 21 5
1651 If I miss then the procedure is half off. 1.2870 0.04753 108 79 27 2
1652 As you can see, the procedure poses little to no risk. 1.2870 0.05271 108 82 21 5
1653 Now let's see if you gained any weight since last time, shall we? 1.2870 0.06036 108 87 11 10
1654 It's okay, I'm not licensed to kill. 1.2870 0.04373 108 77 31 0
1655 I like to warm up before I cut. Don’t worry. You’ll be knocked out. 1.2870 0.05589 108 84 17 7
1656 Now are you OK with me doing your surgery? 1.2870 0.05104 108 81 23 4
1657 That's why we call it the PRACTICE of medicine. 1.2870 0.05206 115 88 21 6
1658 The therapy is a bit unorthodox, but I believe I have cured your aichmophobia. 1.2870 0.05057 115 87 23 5
1659 Don't worry,in most cases it's just a brief pre-surgery dexterity test to improve the patient-surgeon bond... 1.2870 0.04904 115 86 25 4
1660 Sometimes the diagnosis is worse than the disease. 1.2857 0.04818 112 83 26 3
1661 As you can see my prior patient had pretty good insurance 1.2857 0.05295 112 86 20 6
1662 We measure a dozen times and cut only once. 1.2857 0.05025 98 72 24 2
1663 There is much ancient wisdom in alternative medicine. 1.2857 0.06306 91 72 12 7
1664 Yeah I have zero idea what the fuck is going on here but I'm a doctor and we are twins and so fuck you. 1.2857 0.05733 112 89 14 9
1665 Humor me. It builds confidence. 1.2857 0.05477 91 68 20 3
1666 Now that I've ruled out side issues, we can proceed to the heart of the matter. 1.2857 0.05230 98 73 22 3
1667 Your insurance only covers so much. 1.2857 0.05533 105 81 18 6
1668 Now imagine each knife is an out-of-network provider. 1.2857 0.05618 98 75 18 5
1669 I almost never miss. 1.2857 0.04818 112 83 26 3
1670 Given the perfect symmetry, where should we place the last one? 1.2857 0.05365 105 80 20 5
1671 Yes Bill, we've found this to be the most effective way to train our patients to be still during surgery. 1.2857 0.05427 98 74 20 4
1672 You're up. 1.2857 0.05230 98 73 22 3
1673 Would you prefer the hit or miss surgery 1.2857 0.06239 84 65 14 5
1674 We thought the wheel was a bit archaic. 1.2857 0.05427 98 74 20 4
1675 No,I have never done a circumcision before 1.2857 0.06239 84 65 14 5
1676 Don’t worry, those were just the interns 1.2857 0.05761 84 63 18 3
1677 I am still trying to determine what area I want to specialize in once I finish my residency. 1.2857 0.06005 84 64 16 4
1678 Good News! I'm ready to operate 1.2857 0.05618 98 75 18 5
1679 Can't get any closer to the mark until the insurance is approved. 1.2857 0.05696 91 69 18 4
1680 Now that I've gained your trust, can we proceed with your vasectomy now? 1.2857 0.05533 105 81 18 6
1681 We use the finest cutting edge technology 1.2857 0.05477 91 68 20 3
1682 Warm up exercises. 1.2857 0.05427 98 74 20 4
1683 I'm not sure this procedure is covered by my insurance. 1.2857 0.05230 98 73 22 3
1684 Don’t worry. Most patients get the placebo. 1.2857 0.06465 84 66 12 6
1685 Ten bucks says you survive. 1.2857 0.05906 91 70 16 5
1686 It's bring your hobby to work day! 1.2857 0.05696 91 69 18 4
1687 You see, there's really nothing to be worried about. 1.2857 0.05618 98 75 18 5
1688 As you can see, my technique is pretty good. 1.2857 0.05191 105 79 22 4
1689 Me, a surgeon? Oh, I can see how the costume might give you that impression. No, your real surgeon will be with you momentarily. I'm just the pre-surgery entertainment that your insurance covers. 1.2857 0.04982 112 84 24 4
1690 This last one is my specialty. 1.2857 0.04811 98 71 26 1
1691 ... or you could just take the regular colonoscopy prep. 1.2857 0.06110 91 71 14 6
1692 I’d say your odds are pretty good. 1.2857 0.05696 91 69 18 4
1693 Well, now we know what your problem isn’t. 1.2857 0.06239 84 65 14 5
1694 It’s benign. 1.2857 0.05696 91 69 18 4
1695 The good news is that you’ve tested negative for being a spoilsport who won’t try anything fun. 1.2857 0.04627 126 94 28 4
1696 This hospital has really become a circus. Now hold still. 1.2857 0.05477 91 68 20 3
1697 So where should we send the bill? 1.2857 0.05025 98 72 24 2
1698 No worries. That was when I was an intern. 1.2847 0.04854 137 106 23 8
1699 “Don’t worry. I always get lucky the thirteenth time on my appendectomies”. 1.2845 0.05449 116 91 17 8
1700 I'll give you one guess where knife number thirteen goes... 1.2845 0.04868 116 87 25 4
1701 It's perfectly safe, and you'll be asleep after the first one hits. 1.2844 0.05229 109 83 21 5
1702 Is this the proof you needed? 1.2843 0.05096 102 76 23 3
1703 What part of cut-rate health insurance did you not understand? 1.2843 0.05464 102 78 19 5
1704 It's all in the wrist. 1.2843 0.05464 102 78 19 5
1705 There is a chance this could hurt a little... 1.2843 0.05096 102 76 23 3
1706 Shall we try again? 1.2843 0.05096 102 76 23 3
1707 I think one more treatment should be enough to get those bowels of yours moving again. 1.2843 0.05283 102 77 21 4
1708 I haven't missed a prostate yet! 1.2843 0.05283 102 77 21 4
1709 Trust me. My grandma was Jewish. 1.2843 0.05464 102 78 19 5
1710 Your reflexes seem to be non existent. 1.2843 0.05464 102 78 19 5
1711 I'm actually trained to be an ophthalmologist. 1.2842 0.05532 95 72 19 4
1712 So, are you ready to go under the knife? 1.2842 0.05532 95 72 19 4
1713 Helps us see if you're calm under pressure. 1.2842 0.05325 95 71 21 3
1714 I measure twice, cut once. 1.2842 0.05731 95 73 17 5
1715 It's what I call 'my practice'. 1.2842 0.06109 95 75 13 7
1716 And I’ve got knife number thirteen right here in my hand… 1.2841 0.05587 88 66 19 3
1717 No,I just play one on TV 1.2841 0.06036 88 68 15 5
1718 It’s cutting edge, and it’s covered. 1.2841 0.06455 88 70 11 7
1719 You see, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. 1.2833 0.04611 120 89 28 3
1720 Laser eye surgery is really a game changer, Steve. 1.2833 0.05183 120 93 20 7
1721 You're lucky. My scan showed that the problem's not with any of your major organs. 1.2832 0.05102 113 86 22 5
1722 Don't worry, I'll be standing much closer to you during your surgery. 1.2832 0.04944 113 85 24 4
1723 So clearly, the metal you swallowed in that deli salad Isn’t magnetized! 1.2830 0.05321 106 81 20 5
1724 See what I mean, minimally invasive 1.2830 0.05321 106 81 20 5
1725 When it’s over you’ll forget all your problems and just be happy to be alive. 1.2828 0.05185 99 74 22 3
1726 Any questions before we start? 1.2828 0.05380 99 75 20 4
1727 I got the idea from watching Johnny Carson reruns. 1.2828 0.05750 99 77 16 6
1728 I just don't see anything but if you care to take another stab at it... 1.2828 0.05927 99 78 14 7
1729 It's a voluntary procedure. 1.2828 0.06098 99 79 12 8
1730 Don't worry. Thirteen's my lucky number. 1.2828 0.05380 99 75 20 4
1731 We are still waiting for FDA approval. 1.2828 0.05568 99 76 18 5
1732 I told them you were my miracle patient. Ok this time, spread your legs a little. 1.2828 0.05927 99 78 14 7
1733 Oh don’t worry. It’s standard procedure for any hopeful Speaker of the House. 1.2828 0.05927 99 78 14 7
1734 If you think my surgery techniques are impressive you should see how I do colonoscopies 1.2826 0.04967 92 67 24 1
1735 It won’t hurt if you hold still 1.2826 0.05642 92 70 18 4
1736 New method. Works great! I throw this knife at you and scare the blockage out of you. 1.2826 0.05202 92 68 22 2
1737 I find this method of diagnosis just as accurate and much more entertaining. 1.2826 0.05426 92 69 20 3
1738 This usually won’t hurt a bit. 1.2826 0.05642 92 70 18 4
1739 Now we’re going to measure your reflexes. 1.2824 0.04999 131 102 21 8
1740 Tell me again where it hurts. 1.2824 0.05703 85 64 18 3
1741 According to my chart, your body type is ectomorph. 1.2824 0.05944 85 65 16 4
1742 You can lose the shoes and socks 1.2824 0.06175 85 66 14 5
1743 Let me assure you. When I operate, I don't miss. 1.2824 0.05944 85 65 16 4
1744 This is usually well-tolerated by patients. 1.2821 0.06024 78 59 16 3
1745 Congratulations. 1.2821 0.05408 117 92 17 8
1746 I hope this demonstration convinces you of my skills with a knife. Now, let’s take a crack at that prostate. 1.2821 0.05270 117 91 19 7
1747 I'm confident we are getting closer to catching your shadow. 1.2821 0.06554 78 61 12 5
1748 Twins just know each other that well. 1.2821 0.05543 117 93 15 9
1749 Ringling Medical School has always been on the cutting edge of new surgical methods. 1.2818 0.04855 110 82 25 3
1750 This will test your reflexes better than the "knee jerk" test 1.2818 0.05500 110 86 17 7
1751 It's a minimally invasive procedure now. 1.2818 0.05024 110 83 23 4
1752 So, if I can do that, don't you think I can manage a prostate exam? 1.2818 0.05024 110 83 23 4
1753 That's why I don't do surgery. 1.2816 0.05921 103 82 13 8
1754 Put it this way, my childhood dream wasn't to run away from home to join the hospital... 1.2816 0.05054 103 77 23 3
1755 And that’s all that your insurance will cover. 1.2816 0.05054 103 77 23 3
1756 Minimally Invasive Surgery 1.2816 0.04862 103 76 25 2
1757 What would you say your level of anxiety is now? 1.2816 0.05418 103 79 19 5
1758 You say you’re having trouble emptying your bladder? 1.2816 0.05239 103 78 21 4
1759 I also do parties. 1.2816 0.05758 103 81 15 7
1760 Or for our Affordable Care patients, we have the one that spins. 1.2812 0.05868 96 75 15 6
1761 Feeling lucky, Mr. Smith? 1.2812 0.05868 96 75 15 6
1762 Yes, your plan does cover cutting edge medical technology. 1.2812 0.06052 96 76 13 7
1763 Now do you trust me to operate? 1.2812 0.05678 96 74 17 5
1764 The odds are good 1.2812 0.05482 96 73 19 4
1765 I’m pretty sure I can squeeze in your vasectomy this afternoon. 1.2812 0.05868 96 75 15 6
1766 Relax. I'm much more accurate when you're lying down. 1.2812 0.05868 96 75 15 6
1767 It’s a really simple procedure I’ve performed dozens of times! 1.2812 0.04953 128 99 22 7
1768 There was just no future with the carnival, so I went to med school. 1.2812 0.05278 96 72 21 3
1769 Worst case scenario, I'll lower your blood pressure. 1.2812 0.05075 128 100 20 8
1770 Now that you’ve signed the release form, I can tell you more about our experimental procedure. 1.2812 0.05278 96 72 21 3
1771 Okay, you were right. We SHOULD do this on the operating table instead. 1.2812 0.05278 96 72 21 3
1772 dont worry-the laser knives are more accurate! 1.2810 0.04871 121 92 24 5
1773 Sure you're relieved but my surgical residents are very disappointed. 1.2810 0.05010 121 93 22 6
1774 That one on the lower left. Does that look infected to you? 1.2809 0.05977 89 69 15 5
1775 Our specialists train a lot, as you can see! 1.2809 0.05533 89 67 19 3
1776 Do you feel better now? 1.2809 0.05977 89 69 15 5
1777 As you can see, we've narrowed down the problem 1.2809 0.05533 89 67 19 3
1778 I kill at darts . 1.2807 0.05503 114 90 16 8
1779 Yes, you'll be going under the knife. 1.2805 0.06322 82 64 13 5
1780 Don’t worry, I’ll aim straight at the gizzard with you 1.2805 0.05827 82 62 17 3
1781 Next up, I’ll guess your weight 1.2805 0.06322 82 64 13 5
1782 If I hit you, your next visit is free. 1.2805 0.06322 82 64 13 5
1783 Aha!! It's you aura that's making you sick. 1.2805 0.05827 82 62 17 3
1784 I’m a Cutting Board Certified doctor. 1.2805 0.06079 82 63 15 4
1785 Don’t look at me, you’re the one without insurance 1.2804 0.05277 107 82 20 5
1786 We find it is quicker than actual surgery. Patients see this and suddenly get better. 1.2804 0.05277 107 82 20 5
1787 I use the Monte Carlo method of surgery 1.2804 0.05442 107 83 18 6
1788 Let’s explore non-surgical options. 1.2804 0.05108 107 81 22 4
1789 This kills at the bar 1.2804 0.05108 107 81 22 4
1790 The results look good so far, but let's just do one more round to make sure. 1.2804 0.05277 107 82 20 5
1791 Relax. In most cases the side effects are minor." 1.2804 0.04932 107 80 24 3
1792 your insurance carrier requires that we do one more existing conditions check 1.2804 0.05442 107 83 18 6
1793 Did I mention that I got my training at Barnum and Bailey? 1.2803 0.04726 132 101 25 6
1794 Well, yes. But only once. 1.2800 0.05874 100 79 14 7
1795 I worked at the circus before I got my medical license on Ebay. 1.2800 0.05140 100 75 22 3
1796 I've never got a patient before. 1.2800 0.05333 100 76 20 4
1797 Believe me, Alex, it's the most surefire treatment for chronic constipation. Are you sure you don't want to take your shoes and socks off? 1.2800 0.05519 100 77 18 5
1798 Don't worry, it's an outpatient procedure! 1.2800 0.05140 100 75 22 3
1799 Typically the procedure isn't too invasive 1.2800 0.05140 100 75 22 3
1800 So, we’ll schedule the vasectomy for a week from Wednesday. 1.2797 0.04797 118 89 25 4
1801 Worried? Does this look like anything could go wrong 1.2796 0.05154 93 69 22 2
1802 We're getting close to a diagnosis. Let's take another stab at it. 1.2796 0.05376 93 70 20 3
1803 So, you just have to throw and that will be where I'll operate. 1.2796 0.05795 93 72 16 5
1804 Don't worry...the knives are completely sanitized 1.2796 0.05154 93 69 22 2
1805 Try to let me know if you're about to sneeze. 1.2796 0.05795 93 72 16 5
1806 I am so sorry to inform you that you are in really bad shape. 1.2793 0.04818 111 83 25 3
1807 Then we carefully peel off the skin, deal with that pesky kidney and there you are. 1.2793 0.04985 111 84 23 4
1808 We keep costs down by selling tickets to our surgeries. 1.2793 0.05303 111 86 19 6
1809 One way or another, I can guarantee your pain will end quickly. 1.2793 0.05456 111 87 17 7
1810 You'd think with that accuracy I'd be better with a scalpel. 1.2791 0.05883 86 66 16 4
1811 It was the last paragraph of your checkin waiver. 1.2791 0.05883 86 66 16 4
1812 No worries. So far, I have a 100% success rate. 1.2791 0.05883 86 66 16 4
1813 It’s nothing personal, we just felt you didn’t make the cut. 1.2791 0.05646 86 65 18 3
1814 Well, yes, this new treatment is cutting edge. 1.2788 0.05012 104 78 23 3
1815 Told you ... this is way more fun than pickleball 1.2788 0.05543 104 81 17 6
1816 Missed it by THAT much 1.2788 0.05372 104 80 19 5
1817 It's a 'can't miss' proposition 1.2788 0.05195 104 79 21 4
1818 My surgery is hit or miss.. 1.2788 0.05543 104 81 17 6
1819 Mr. Lipshitz, are you ready for your vasectomy? 1.2787 0.05367 122 97 16 9
1820 So this will be just an arthroscopic procedure. 1.2787 0.04974 122 94 22 6
1821 I just didn’t feel like dodging a bullet was enough. 1.2785 0.05679 79 59 18 2
1822 Not to worry. I have excellent malpractice insurance. 1.2785 0.05958 79 60 16 3
1823 All it takes is some patients. 1.2784 0.05231 97 73 21 3
1824 In all medical care the key is trust. 1.2784 0.05022 97 72 23 2
1825 Remarkable, Carl. I've never seen anyone score a 12 on the Flinch Test. 1.2784 0.05815 97 76 15 6
1826 Just warming up for your vasectomy procedure. 1.2784 0.05231 97 73 21 3
1827 Actually, it was through my carnival work that I first discovered my talent for surgery. 1.2784 0.05433 97 74 19 4
1828 Once I figure out how to stop throwing it so low, I can introduce it to all my fear management patients. 1.2784 0.05815 97 76 15 6
1829 Now this test may have some side effects. 1.2784 0.05815 97 76 15 6
1830 Although risky, many people find the treatment exhilarating. 1.2784 0.05231 97 73 21 3
1831 Your constipation is as good as cured, Mr. Wilkins. 1.2784 0.05627 97 75 17 5
1832 Relax — the only thing I’ll stick you with is the bill. 1.2784 0.05627 97 75 17 5
1833 Yeah, still in beta, but so far much more effective than the old Smiley Face pain chart. Mostly. 1.2784 0.05231 97 73 21 3
1834 It's the only surgical protocol covered by medicare. 1.2783 0.05024 115 88 22 5
1835 Of course, it is much harder with a scalpel 1.2783 0.05461 115 91 16 8
1836 And they said surgical residencies are boring. 1.2778 0.05398 108 84 18 6
1837 The good news is your insurance only covers one throw. 1.2778 0.04893 108 81 24 3
1838 And now it’s time for the double-blind phase of the clinical trial. 1.2778 0.05703 90 69 17 4
1839 We're phasing out the reflex hammer. 1.2778 0.06007 72 54 16 2
1840 I need some more practice. Thanks for volunteering. 1.2778 0.05235 108 83 20 5
1841 But first, join me at the ‘Wall of Trust’ 1.2778 0.05709 108 86 14 8
1842 It's a rather safe procedure, but there are some risks 1.2778 0.05556 108 85 16 7
1843 Very good, now let’s see how well you can dodge a few bullets. 1.2778 0.05247 90 67 21 2
1844 We need additional work done for a sharper image. 1.2778 0.05480 90 68 19 3
1845 This is our cutting-edge technology until we get our new. MRI instrument. 1.2778 0.05067 108 82 22 4
1846 The only patient who didn't make it died from a heart attack so that doesn't really count. 1.2778 0.06126 90 71 13 6
1847 Of course, this chart only shows the statistically significant results. 1.2778 0.05067 108 82 22 4
1848 We’ll get it with the next one. I can feel it. 1.2778 0.04994 126 98 21 7
1849 You can face me or face the wall; either way it's gonna hurt. 1.2778 0.05004 90 66 23 1
1850 Be cool. Its safer than childbirth. 1.2778 0.05480 90 68 19 3
1851 When every test fails to deliver clear results, we let fate decide. 1.2778 0.05067 108 82 22 4
1852 Yes, I'm still practicing. 1.2778 0.05067 108 82 22 4
1853 Congratulations, you tested negative! 1.2778 0.05480 90 68 19 3
1854 We eventually make the right incision. 1.2773 0.04453 119 88 29 2
1855 I’ll use this last one for the vasectomy. 1.2773 0.04910 119 91 23 5
1856 It will make you pee the kidney stone right out. 1.2772 0.05288 101 77 20 4
1857 See how well that went? Let’s try it from the waiting area. 1.2772 0.04899 101 75 24 2
1858 most of my patients prefer to be sedated for this next part 1.2772 0.05097 101 76 22 3
1859 I ‘“I’ve done my best to spare you from invasive surgery, but… 1.2771 0.06015 83 64 15 4
1860 My nurse has outlined the procedure for you. 1.2771 0.06015 83 64 15 4
1861 No, no underwear. 1.2771 0.06255 83 65 13 5
1862 Okay, enough practice. Let’s start that vasectomy, what do you say? 1.2768 0.05107 112 86 21 5
1863 And THAT, Mr. Goldberg is why I flunked out of Mohel School! 1.2768 0.05107 112 86 21 5
1864 We just opened our Center for Precision Medicine. 1.2766 0.05108 94 70 22 2
1865 One more knife, double or nothing. 1.2766 0.05741 94 73 16 5
1866 So...You feelin lucky? 1.2766 0.05538 94 72 18 4
1867 As a matter of fact, I am Jewish. 1.2766 0.05538 94 72 18 4
1868 Forward facing or rear? 1.2766 0.05327 94 71 20 3
1869 I call it ‘Assisted Circus-cide’ 1.2766 0.05327 94 71 20 3
1870 Trust me. This is the best way to overcome your fear of knives. 1.2766 0.05741 94 73 16 5
1871 You can trust me,man. I’m no back-stabber. 1.2766 0.05327 94 71 20 3
1872 As you can see, for your next procedure you're going to have to take off the hospital gown. 1.2762 0.05327 105 81 19 5
1873 Not a wide stance, no. 1.2762 0.04972 105 79 23 3
1874 Don't worry, you'll be lying down! 1.2762 0.05496 105 82 17 6
1875 I have one remaining test to perform, but I believe we're close to identifying the source of your anxiety attacks. 1.2759 0.05135 116 90 20 6
1876 As your evil twin, I hope you understand that I have to do this.... 1.2759 0.05345 87 65 20 2
1877 Don't worry, it shouldn't hurt. 1.2759 0.06049 87 68 14 5
1878 It's Vegas style acupuncture 1.2756 0.04427 127 95 29 3
1879 Trust me! You don't need a second opinion! 1.2755 0.05186 98 74 21 3
1880 The thirteenth blade cuts the deepest 1.2755 0.05186 98 74 21 3
1881 As far as you know I've never not missed. 1.2755 0.05186 98 74 21 3
1882 Unfortunately your insurance doesn’t cover this doctor. 1.2755 0.05942 98 78 13 7
1883 I like to challenge myself. Never stop learning, you know? 1.2755 0.05186 98 74 21 3
1884 Vasectomy? No problem. 1.2752 0.05193 109 84 20 5
1885 The whole hospital is now contactless. 1.2752 0.05662 109 87 14 8
1886 This just pre-op. 1.2752 0.05193 109 84 20 5
1887 As you can see, this treatment works 100% of the time. 1.2752 0.05193 109 84 20 5
1888 . Do you want local or general? 1.2752 0.05027 109 83 22 4
1889 The same politicians who tell women what they can do with their bodies had some interesting thoughts on testing for Parkinson's disease. 1.2752 0.05193 109 84 20 5
1890 'Throw the knife where it hurts' 1.2750 0.04874 120 92 23 5
1891 I hope the results motivate you to keep the weight off. 1.2750 0.05618 80 60 18 2
1892 The margins are clear. You prognosis is excellent. 1.2750 0.05618 80 60 18 2
1893 It’s clear your fight or flight response is impaired. 1.2750 0.06408 80 63 12 5
1894 You should be glad, the last surgeon was a real clown. 1.2750 0.06156 80 62 14 4
1895 What it lacks in precision it makes up for in excitement! 1.2747 0.06066 91 72 13 6
1896 See, noting to worry about. 1.2747 0.05649 91 70 17 4
1897 I was hoping to spice up the doctor's conference this year... 1.2747 0.05428 91 69 19 3
1898 Stand there. 1.2747 0.05861 91 71 15 5
1899 It's my warm-up activity to establish patient trust. 1.2747 0.05428 91 69 19 3
1900 I think you're missing the point. 1.2747 0.06264 91 73 11 7
1901 This procedure can be hit or miss. 1.2747 0.06264 91 73 11 7
1902 This, or you can pay in advance. 1.2747 0.05861 91 71 15 5
1903 You're my last patient for the blood pressure ad pulse rate test 1.2747 0.05649 91 70 17 4
1904 It appears, Ronald, that surgery is going to be our last resort. 1.2745 0.05054 102 77 22 3
1905 Why do you think they call it, 'medical practice'? 1.2745 0.04858 102 76 24 2
1906 Less noisy than a MRI, and more cutting edge. 1.2743 0.05370 113 89 17 7
1907 Do you have a relevant question before your vasectomy? 1.2743 0.05067 113 87 21 5
1908 Would you care to assume the position, and see if I can throw knife 13 as well as I threw the others. 1.2743 0.04909 113 86 23 4
1909 This is a very bad hospital 1.2740 0.06546 73 57 12 4
1910 A chance to cut is a chance to cure. 1.2738 0.05449 84 63 19 2
1911 Finally, No strings attached. 1.2738 0.05706 84 64 17 3
1912 We’ll bill your insurance. 1.2738 0.05179 84 62 21 1
1913 It's a fly-by-knife operation. 1.2737 0.04836 95 70 24 1
1914 Let's try diagnosing your condition one more time 1.2737 0.05881 95 75 14 6
1915 I’m afraid this test really is necessary 1.2737 0.05687 95 74 16 5
1916 You'll only feel a little prick. 1.2737 0.05279 95 72 20 3
1917 Your anxiety finally lost this game! 1.2737 0.05279 95 72 20 3
1918 This will help you overcome your fear of needles. 1.2737 0.06068 95 76 12 7
1919 So, during the surgery, I throw the knife to precisely remove your appendix. 1.2737 0.05279 95 72 20 3
1920 Okay - I get it. You're good with a knife. 1.2736 0.05283 106 82 19 5
1921 And they said I couldn't go from the carnival to Kaiser. 1.2736 0.05110 106 81 21 4
1922 This differs slightly from a traditional biopsy 1.2735 0.04949 117 90 22 5
1923 They say the 13th dagger may be the unlucky one. 1.2735 0.05239 117 92 18 7
1924 This last knife I call "good old lucky thirteen." 1.2727 0.04695 121 92 25 4
1925 Got one left for good luck ! 1.2727 0.04817 110 83 24 3
1926 We are getting closer to a diagnosis. 1.2727 0.05294 88 66 20 2
1927 One step LEFT! 1.2727 0.05766 88 68 16 4
1928 It's either this or a $500 deductible 1.2727 0.05766 88 68 16 4
1929 ''You're terminal anyway, so what do ya' say? " 1.2727 0.06572 77 61 11 5
1930 It's Trump. Nothing sticks to him. 1.2727 0.05766 88 68 16 4
1931 Have you seen 'Knives Out'? 1.2727 0.05766 88 68 16 4
1932 Where do you want this one? 1.2727 0.05766 88 68 16 4
1933 We aim to please. 1.2727 0.05616 110 88 14 8
1934 Its best if you don't flinch,this is the standard test to determine if your ready for a term in Congress. 1.2727 0.05311 110 86 18 6
1935 I know, I know, but I can’t get over my fear of blood 1.2727 0.05766 88 68 16 4
1936 This will hurt you more than it will hurt me. 1.2727 0.06306 77 60 13 4
1937 Well, you chose the out-patient procedure... 1.2727 0.05988 88 69 14 5
1938 We could put you on the treadmill, but this is way easier! 1.2727 0.05294 88 66 20 2
1939 As you can see, we marked off the problem area. 1.2727 0.05710 99 78 15 6
1940 I can also juggle." 1.2727 0.05151 110 85 20 5
1941 Now,let me show you where the last one goes. 1.2727 0.05527 99 77 17 5
1942 Just a small incision here, here, and here 1.2727 0.05766 88 68 16 4
1943 Technically speaking, we are still in the pseudo-science phase. 1.2727 0.04987 110 84 22 4
1944 It’s just like darts, except lethal. 1.2719 0.04367 114 84 29 1
1945 It's the latest method and no, this has nothing to do with Dad dying and our being the only heirs. 1.2719 0.05028 114 88 21 5
1946 Then, of course, there is Murphy Law. 1.2719 0.04709 114 86 25 3
1947 You won't feel a thing, I promise. 1.2718 0.05552 103 81 16 6
1948 Sometimes surgery is not the best option 1.2718 0.05198 103 79 20 4
1949 Is 13 your lucky number? 1.2718 0.05198 103 79 20 4
1950 Just keep your hands in the lines. 1.2718 0.04818 103 77 24 2
1951 As you can see, the aura removal is quite painless. 1.2718 0.05198 103 79 20 4
1952 The oath I took said nothing about near harm 1.2718 0.05198 103 79 20 4
1953 This may hurt a lot. 1.2718 0.05378 103 80 18 5
1954 That's my side hustle practice board. 1.2718 0.04616 103 76 26 1
1955 I believe you’re immune. 1.2718 0.05198 103 79 20 4
1956 I'm due for a bullseye. 1.2717 0.06007 92 73 13 6
1957 The last knife comes with your bill. 1.2717 0.05595 92 71 17 4
1958 I disagree, not all the good spots are taken 1.2717 0.05804 92 72 15 5
1959 As a physician I believe this is better than an MRI and way more fun! 1.2717 0.05804 92 72 15 5
1960 For some reason your blood pressure is elevated. 1.2717 0.05595 92 71 17 4
1961 Do I detect a little white coat syndrome? Don't worry. You'll fit right in. 1.2717 0.05377 92 70 19 3
1962 It's the same with surgery: a thousand cuts...but eventually I get it exactly right. 1.2717 0.05804 92 72 15 5
1963 If all goes as planned it should be minimally invasive. 1.2717 0.05595 92 71 17 4
1964 The University of Wallenda. Why do you ask? 1.2717 0.05804 92 72 15 5
1965 Just give me a call the next time you get the hiccups. 1.2717 0.04913 92 68 23 1
1966 Now, my last patient…he had insurance. 1.2717 0.05804 92 72 15 5
1967 I showed them this, but they still wouldn’t let me do the bris. 1.2717 0.06202 92 74 11 7
1968 As you can see, I am very skilled at what I do. 1.2716 0.05559 81 61 18 2
1969 If I nick it I fix it. 1.2716 0.06089 81 63 14 4
1970 It's our new much more effective acupuncture routine. 1.2716 0.06337 81 64 12 5
1971 Yup!! Only one spot we missed! 1.2716 0.06089 81 63 14 4
1972 Your insurance only covers the spinning wheel options 1.2716 0.05559 81 61 18 2
1973 The exploratory surgery found nothing. 1.2716 0.06337 81 64 12 5
1974 It’s our newest cardiac stress test. 1.2716 0.05830 81 62 16 3
1975 I told you losing weight would affect your lifespan. 1.2710 0.05405 107 84 17 6
1976 As you can see, It's important that you stay completely still during this phase of your recovery. 1.2710 0.05069 107 82 21 4
1977 How are you liking your zero deductible insurance?" 1.2710 0.05405 107 84 17 6
1978 I do only non-invasive surgery. 1.2710 0.05069 107 82 21 4
1979 Well,I took a stab at it and it appears nothing is wrong with you 1.2710 0.05240 107 83 19 5
1980 It's the latest test from Canada's health care system. 1.2708 0.05017 96 72 22 2
1981 I'd say your chances are about 50-50 1.2708 0.05231 96 73 20 3
1982 I would say your immune system is quite good! 1.2708 0.05826 96 76 14 6
1983 No. No need for general anesthesia. 1.2708 0.05437 96 74 18 4
1984 There’s your second’s opinion. 1.2708 0.04794 96 71 24 1
1985 This part of your exam I will test your ability to control your reflexes. 1.2708 0.05826 96 76 14 6
1986 Incisions, incisions, decisions! 1.2706 0.05648 85 65 17 3
1987 Yes, I graduated from Coney Island University. How’d you guess? 1.2706 0.06348 85 68 11 6
1988 We don't have much left to throw at you. 1.2706 0.05891 85 66 15 4
1989 That’ll be $120,000 1.2706 0.05891 85 66 15 4
1990 To think, all those years I could’ve been living the life—just me, my knives and the open road…small town to small town, funnel cake for breakfast, bang’n carnies…all of it wasted in medical school. 1.2706 0.05891 85 66 15 4
1991 First thing I do is not harm 1.2706 0.05648 85 65 17 3
1992 This is why I don’t I don’t carry malpractice insurance 1.2703 0.04779 111 84 24 3
1993 As with any operation, of course, risk assessment is a critical factor. 1.2703 0.04948 111 85 22 4
1994 You see, I am a very good surgeon. 1.2703 0.04948 111 85 22 4
1995 So first we begin with the eye exam. 1.2703 0.04948 111 85 22 4
1996 Before med school?... Ringling. 1.2703 0.05111 111 86 20 5
1997 Anything that draws blood won’t go against your deductible. 1.2703 0.05111 111 86 20 5
1998 and my parents said that year off to join the carnival was a waste of money. 1.2703 0.06174 74 57 14 3
1999 Just a little vasectomy practice. 1.2700 0.05660 100 79 15 6
2000 As you can see, surgery to date has been non-invasive 1.2700 0.04894 100 75 23 2
2001 You can unfreeze now. 1.2700 0.05291 100 77 19 4
2002 …and if it’s inside the lines, I’m IN network. 1.2700 0.05291 100 77 19 4
2003 Don't worry; I never miss. 1.2700 0.05291 100 77 19 4
2004 The actual surgery will also feature my beautiful assistant in her sequined leotard. 1.2697 0.05929 89 70 14 5
2005 For most patients it's a relatively noninvasive procedure. 1.2697 0.05709 89 69 16 4
2006 Not to worry, I always work better blindfolded. 1.2697 0.05709 89 69 16 4
2007 Look on the bright side. If I miss you won't need surgery 1.2697 0.05481 89 68 18 3
2008 Statistically speaking, I should get your operation right." 1.2697 0.05929 89 70 14 5
2009 The last twelve patients didn't feel a thing. 1.2697 0.04993 89 66 22 1
2010 So you see, it clearly wasn’t here where you lost your arm. 1.2697 0.05481 89 68 18 3
2011 Can I get a second opinion? 1.2697 0.04993 89 66 22 1
2012 To be honest, the process is somewhat akin to this. 1.2697 0.04731 89 65 24 0
2013 So as you can see, the robot is not perfect yet. 1.2696 0.05141 115 90 19 6
2014 They called Pasteur and Salk crazy, too. 1.2692 0.06496 78 62 11 5
2015 Well, I doubt we’ll need to do this again tomorrow if that’s what your asking. 1.2692 0.04970 104 79 22 3
2016 Like I said, Mr Bradshaw, unconventional, but you couldn't be in safer hands. 1.2692 0.05672 104 83 14 7
2017 All your results look good so far, but I have one more I'd like to try. 1.2692 0.05155 104 80 20 4
2018 It was an aura-ectomy. 1.2692 0.04779 104 78 24 2
2019 Hey bro, if you hadn't quit med school, you'd be able to see a pattern and chill out 1.2692 0.05155 104 80 20 4
2020 Just want to make sure everything is squared away with your insurance. 1.2692 0.04970 104 79 22 3
2021 This is where I practice aura surgery. 1.2692 0.04970 104 79 22 3
2022 Well, it's still not an exact science... 1.2692 0.05962 78 60 15 3
2023 And this is just a routine test we do with all of my clones. 1.2692 0.05155 104 80 20 4
2024 So far, so good. 1.2688 0.05949 93 74 13 6
2025 Steve realized too late that he booked his colonoscopy with the wrong doctor. 1.2688 0.05542 93 72 17 4
2026 Our last patient was a very lucky man. 1.2688 0.05327 93 71 19 3
2027 Then we have balloon animals for your angioplasty. 1.2688 0.04868 93 69 23 1
2028 I promise I won't miss when you're on the table. 1.2688 0.05949 93 74 13 6
2029 Or we could go with Ed Ames and a hatchet. 1.2688 0.05327 93 71 19 3
2030 Don't worry. You seem to fit the profile for patients who have survived this operation. 1.2688 0.05103 93 70 21 2
2031 I've got a great track record, so nothing to worry about. 1.2688 0.05542 93 72 17 4
2032 It beats getting sawed in half. 1.2688 0.05103 93 70 21 2
2033 Relax, I'm very precise. 1.2688 0.05327 93 71 19 3
2034 I think we'll go in through the nose. 1.2688 0.05542 93 72 17 4
2035 And now, I'll put on my glasses and try again. 1.2688 0.05103 93 70 21 2
2036 Is your appendix ready to surrender yet? 1.2688 0.04868 93 69 23 1
2037 Ok, I think we've done enough testing 1.2688 0.05103 93 70 21 2
2038 I can say for certain that you have a suppressed twitch response. 1.2685 0.04671 108 81 25 2
2039 It’s a bit misleading — it doesn’t show the errant throws. 1.2685 0.05520 108 86 15 7
2040 Now, you can opt for a more intrusive procédure. 1.2685 0.04853 108 82 23 3
2041 Does it hurt when I do this? 1.2685 0.04853 108 82 23 3
2042 How long have you had that twitch? 1.2683 0.05768 82 63 16 3
2043 As you can see, it can be a dangerous procedure. 1.2683 0.06504 82 66 10 6
2044 Circumsision is not a Big Deal.... 1.2683 0.05768 82 63 16 3
2045 I hardly ever miss, ok? 1.2683 0.05768 82 63 16 3
2046 This has always been my aim as a surgeon 1.2683 0.05768 82 63 16 3
2047 Next we’ll need to test your reflexes 1.2683 0.06023 82 64 14 4
2048 You're out of network, Jerry, so it's the copay or the full body filet. 1.2680 0.05773 97 77 14 6
2049 'You choose I cut" 1.2680 0.05388 97 75 18 4
2050 It's ok - I've been practicing for 10 years. 1.2680 0.05388 97 75 18 4
2051 The process is called differential diagnosis. These we can rule out. Let's take one more stab at it. 1.2680 0.05185 97 74 20 3
2052 Not bad on average. 1.2680 0.05388 97 75 18 4
2053 For people with your condition it’s hit or miss but we’ve been getting good results with this new therapy. 1.2679 0.05227 112 88 18 6
2054 Actually,I prefer leaches for my annual blood letting 1.2679 0.05071 112 87 20 5
2055 Good news is you don’t have to wait long for the test results to come back. 1.2677 0.05055 127 101 18 8
2056 I think we’re getting closer to the root of your anxiety 1.2676 0.06004 71 54 15 2
2057 You won’t be going under the knife per se… 1.2676 0.06330 71 55 13 3
2058 No worries…I took an oath to do no harm! 1.2674 0.06060 86 68 13 5
2059 It’s a new form of alternative medicine called hackupuncture. It’s all tbe rage I hear. 1.2674 0.05591 86 66 17 3
2060 Not to worry. My patients have a 93 percent survival rate. 1.2674 0.05830 86 67 15 4
2061 It adds a bit of fun to surgery. 1.2674 0.05830 86 67 15 4
2062 Surprisingly, this *is* covered by your insurance! 1.2674 0.05591 86 66 17 3
2063 No worries, the next one won't miss. 1.2674 0.05591 86 66 17 3
2064 I'm a little unorthodox, but I am covered by your HMO. 1.2674 0.06496 86 70 9 7
2065 I obviously adhere to the Hippocratic Oath. 1.2674 0.05341 86 65 19 2
2066 Oh, go on, thirteen is my lucky number. 1.2674 0.05830 86 67 15 4
2067 Don’t worry, I sterilised it. 1.2674 0.05591 86 66 17 3
2068 First, we do weight, height, and perimeter. 1.2673 0.05052 101 77 21 3
2069 Let's cut to the chase... 1.2673 0.05430 101 79 17 5
2070 Ok, time to go to sleep. 1.2673 0.05052 101 77 21 3
2071 But YOUR surgery will be done robotically from seven time zones away. 1.2673 0.05245 101 78 19 4
2072 It cures everything. 1.2673 0.05052 101 77 21 3
2073 As we were taught, 'first do no harm.' 1.2673 0.05430 101 79 17 5
2074 So, are you still scared of needles? 1.2673 0.05430 101 79 17 5
2075 Your insurance company requires this pre-testing before they will approve the test that you actually need 1.2673 0.05430 101 79 17 5
2076 Okay, now tell me if this hurts. 1.2672 0.04952 116 90 21 5
2077 No need to worry. I aced Knife Throwing 101. 1.2667 0.04947 90 67 22 1
2078 And yet in so many other ways running away to the circus did prepare me for a career in medicine. 1.2667 0.05193 90 68 20 2
2079 Well, we can rule out a case of the flinches. 1.2667 0.05288 105 82 18 5
2080 Remember: if you see somebody you know, don't be waving to them. 1.2667 0.05112 105 81 20 4
2081 Trying out for America's Got Talent! 1.2667 0.06667 75 60 10 5
2082 We call it fright therapy, and I'm getting pretty good at it. 1.2667 0.05428 90 69 18 3
2083 So, where shall I begin? 1.2667 0.04947 90 67 22 1
2084 I just started doing vascectomies 1.2667 0.05653 90 70 16 4
2085 So, George, are you ready to go under the knife now? 1.2667 0.04929 105 80 22 3
2086 I get my surgeon's certification now. Thanks for your help. 1.2667 0.05624 105 84 14 7
2087 For most patients this colonoscopy clear-out preparation procedure is non-invasive. 1.2667 0.05653 90 70 16 4
2088 This is how we keep our surgeries so cheap. 1.2667 0.05428 90 69 18 3
2089 This is where we test your nerves. 1.2667 0.05653 90 70 16 4
2090 Are you familiar with the Ringling Brothers school of medicine? 1.2667 0.05288 105 82 18 5
2091 Don’t worry, adult circumcision still has a very high success rate. 1.2667 0.06102 75 58 14 3
2092 And that's what it would look like if I was a bad doctor 1.2667 0.04929 105 80 22 3
2093 It was me who drew the line, not the police. 1.2667 0.05428 90 69 18 3
2094 Would you like to guess where the next one goes? 1.2661 0.04814 109 83 23 3
2095 Are you ready to go under the knife now? 1.2661 0.05317 109 86 17 6
2096 Any questions about my fee? 1.2660 0.05056 94 71 21 2
2097 I’ll ask you ONE MORE TIME: ‘Are you in favor of healthcare cuts?’ 1.2660 0.05892 94 75 13 6
2098 My incentive to patients to not gain weight. 1.2660 0.05892 94 75 13 6
2099 Sorry but we didn't get clear margins. We'll have to go back in. 1.2660 0.05278 94 72 19 3
2100 I assure you there is a really high survival rate. 1.2660 0.05490 94 73 17 4
2101 'I have a 90% accuracy rate. Just stand between the lines.' 1.2660 0.05490 94 73 17 4
2102 This is why I’m not a surgeon 1.2660 0.05278 94 72 19 3
2103 So this is what it means when patients go under the knife. 1.2660 0.05490 94 73 17 4
2104 Once we're in the operating room, the pattern I follow will change dramatically. 1.2658 0.06165 79 62 13 4
2105 Yes we can reattach your right arm. 1.2658 0.05317 79 59 19 1
2106 One more to put you on knife support. 1.2658 0.05896 79 61 15 3
2107 Due to budget cuts, we've run out of anesthesia...so we've had to improvise. 1.2658 0.05896 79 61 15 3
2108 Any bozo can do an appendectomy with a scalpel.... 1.2656 0.04769 128 100 22 6
2109 No problem with nerves. Now lets see about circulation. 1.2655 0.05336 113 90 16 7
2110 Here's an outline of my body of work. 1.2655 0.05186 113 89 18 6
2111 OK, let’s get to the heart of this. 1.2655 0.05031 113 88 20 5
2112 Unfortunately, elective knife throwing isn’t typically covered. 1.2655 0.04872 113 87 22 4
2113 Turn your head and scream. 1.2653 0.05340 98 76 18 4
2114 It's the one test your HMO covers 1.2653 0.05720 98 78 14 6
2115 I need more practice. 1.2653 0.05340 98 76 18 4
2116 We prefer to use the term “survival rate” rather than “cure” 1.2653 0.05139 98 75 20 3
2117 Are you still worried about going under the knife? 1.2653 0.05139 98 75 20 3
2118 Now that we’ve each demonstrated steady nerves, the surgery may proceed. 1.2653 0.04712 98 73 24 1
2119 We almost always miss the patient. If we don't, you get your money back. 1.2653 0.05340 98 76 18 4
2120 Now what is it you want to cut out of your life? 1.2653 0.05139 98 75 20 3
2121 As you can see, our weight loss plan is targeted to achieve your optimum body shape. 1.2653 0.05533 98 77 16 5
2122 Let’s check those reflexes. 1.2653 0.05340 98 76 18 4
2123 They don’t make a silhouette showing where your appendix is - so I practice with this. Should be OK. 1.2653 0.05340 98 76 18 4
2124 And, the 13th knife goes here! 1.2651 0.05444 83 63 18 2
2125 Now that I'm warmed up, are you ready for your vasectomy? 1.2651 0.06201 83 66 12 5
2126 As you can see, it’s not exactly going UNDER the knife. 1.2651 0.05959 83 65 14 4
2127 I'm hoping this will be a non-invasive procedure. 1.2651 0.05707 83 64 16 3
2128 You were smart to choose us for our targeted therapy. 1.2651 0.06658 83 68 8 7
2129 That didn't work. Let's try sawing you in half. 1.2651 0.06201 83 66 12 5
2130 Ready for lucky knife 13? 1.2651 0.05444 83 63 18 2
2131 Don't worry this test is only if you don't have insurance. 1.2651 0.05707 83 64 16 3
2132 We have very few requests for middle-aged circumcision. 1.2651 0.05959 83 65 14 4
2133 You said you were ready to go under the knife! 1.2651 0.05444 83 63 18 2
2134 Should be fine, just wishing I hadn’t had that second cup of coffee. 1.2651 0.05959 83 65 14 4
2135 Well, we can't question your peripheral vision 1.2651 0.05444 83 63 18 2
2136 „Congratulations, you are a knife-repellent. They will name this after you.„ 1.2651 0.05707 83 64 16 3
2137 …and is this your gall bladder? 1.2647 0.04606 102 76 25 1
2138 You ready? 1.2647 0.05383 102 80 17 5
2139 Your results are valid, they are just not reliable. 1.2647 0.05200 102 79 19 4
2140 So, do want to take another stab at it? 1.2647 0.05561 102 81 15 6
2141 Less than two percent have any complications at all. 1.2647 0.05383 102 80 17 5
2142 It's the new government ordained surgeons training board. 1.2647 0.05009 102 78 21 3
2143 Now that I'm warmed up, is your surgery on the left or the right? 1.2647 0.05383 102 80 17 5
2144 Oh no I don’t do acupuncture, just acute punctures 1.2647 0.05383 102 80 17 5
2145 Before becoming a doctor I used to work at the circus. Now let's check that prostate. 1.2644 0.05288 87 66 19 2
2146 Just how badly do you want that Oxy Rx? 1.2644 0.05535 87 67 17 3
2147 Don't worry, it's not brain surgery 1.2644 0.05535 87 67 17 3
2148 The treatment is worse than the disease 1.2644 0.05535 87 67 17 3
2149 And if it goes sideways, at least we have the outline for the autopsy. 1.2642 0.04702 106 80 24 2
2150 There’s less blood this way. 1.2642 0.04702 106 80 24 2
2151 Who needs precision when you have a degree. 1.2642 0.05069 106 82 20 4
2152 Would you be more at ease wearing a hair net? 1.2639 0.06253 72 56 13 3
2153 The procedure is, as you see, non-invasive. 1.2637 0.05144 91 69 20 2
2154 Don't be concerned, but you do have to remove your gown. 1.2637 0.06019 91 73 12 6
2155 Oh, so then you ARE familiar with the tomahawk throw on the Johnny Carson show. 1.2637 0.06019 91 73 12 6
2156 Volunteers get a 35 percent discount on surgery. 1.2637 0.05599 91 71 16 4
2157 One more knife and I move up to the next level. 1.2637 0.04901 91 68 22 1
2158 It's both a diagnostic and treatment for shape conformity. 1.2637 0.04901 91 68 22 1
2159 Notice anything missing? 1.2637 0.05599 91 71 16 4
2160 I think we should take another stab at that last round of tests. 1.2637 0.05599 91 71 16 4
2161 Ours is a cutting edge technique. 1.2637 0.05376 91 70 18 3
2162 Stand still while I check if you have any stabbing pains 1.2637 0.05813 91 72 14 5
2163 I think you'll agree, Mr. Jones, I'm pretty handy with a knife! Now let's get that appendix out. 1.2637 0.05813 91 72 14 5
2164 I’ll be honest with you I’m a nervous surgeon 1.2637 0.05813 91 72 14 5
2165 We’ve tested your reflexes now let’s test your fortitude. 1.2637 0.05144 91 69 20 2
2166 as you can see, it is an entirely non-invasive procedure 1.2637 0.05376 91 70 18 3
2167 He was murdered standing up 1.2637 0.05144 91 69 20 2
2168 Well, I've never done a circumcision before. 1.2636 0.04948 110 85 21 4
2169 I interned in a carnival, why do you ask? 1.2636 0.04948 110 85 21 4
2170 Feel better? 1.2636 0.05114 110 86 19 5
2171 Those damn dermatologists never clean up after themselves, they always leave it to the urologists. 1.2636 0.05430 110 88 15 7
2172 Think of your lifetime of smoking and no lung cancer as near misses, but the one I'm holding in my hand... 1.2636 0.05430 110 88 15 7
2173 Don't worry, it'll just help you not to move during this procedure. 1.2636 0.05114 110 86 19 5
2174 That's the basic outline. Now let's cut to the chase. 1.2632 0.05439 95 74 17 4
2175 Congratulations. You don't require surgery. 1.2632 0.05439 95 74 17 4
2176 Of course, a game of darts would be safer but where is your sense of adventure! 1.2632 0.05229 95 73 19 3
2177 We call this last one the 'neutering knife." 1.2632 0.05439 95 74 17 4
2178 What can I say. You're just lucky. 1.2632 0.05229 95 73 19 3
2179 "When they gave me my degree they said I was now able to practice." 1.2632 0.05733 76 58 16 2
2180 Mostly they had heart attacks. 1.2632 0.06316 76 60 12 4
2181 Don’t worry, the procedure is perfectly safe. It’s the insurance companies that will gouge you. 1.2632 0.06316 76 60 12 4
2182 I think you're now ready to go under the knife. 1.2632 0.05439 95 74 17 4
2183 If you hold still, this won’t hurt a bit 1.2632 0.05439 95 74 17 4
2184 Care to try for 13? 1.2626 0.05668 99 79 14 6
2185 So, what? Now you’re working on my aura? 1.2626 0.05094 99 76 20 3
2186 Those are the areas where we won’t have to make an incision. 1.2626 0.05292 99 77 18 4
2187 Before this next test I must warn you ... There is a small co-pay 1.2626 0.04445 99 73 26 0
2188 Let me outline the problem for you. 1.2626 0.05483 99 78 16 5
2189 Is 13 a lucky number for you? 1.2626 0.04887 99 75 22 2
2190 Don't worry, if I miss, you get a full refund. 1.2626 0.05094 99 76 20 3
2191 It's usually less invasive. 1.2626 0.05094 99 76 20 3
2192 No, we don’t do robotic surgery here. We prefer more traditional methods. 1.2626 0.05483 99 78 16 5
2193 Occasionally, but it washes out. 1.2625 0.05831 80 62 15 3
2194 I’m thinking of taking my act on the road. 1.2625 0.05831 80 62 15 3
2195 No, your silhouette doesn’t make you look fat. 1.2625 0.05553 80 61 17 2
2196 Insurance covers everything but the knife. 1.2625 0.06096 80 63 13 4
2197 Where would you like us to start? 1.2625 0.04950 80 59 21 0
2198 7.7% chance I’ll find anything 1.2625 0.06350 80 64 11 5
2199 I said a *Baker's* dozen. 1.2625 0.05831 80 62 15 3
2200 Now, to perform one last procedure. 1.2625 0.06096 80 63 13 4
2201 « Don’t worry. I always prepare an outline. I never go in blind. » 1.2625 0.04950 80 59 21 0
2202 This next procedure was designed by our tele-health promotional team 1.2625 0.05831 80 62 15 3
2203 Without trust, life is so paltry. 1.2621 0.05155 103 80 19 4
2204 I find symmetry very soothing. Don't you? 1.2621 0.05337 103 81 17 5
2205 It’s better than a colonoscopy. 1.2621 0.05337 103 81 17 5
2206 I think we're twins . . . where did you get those tall socks from? 1.2621 0.05337 103 81 17 5
2207 So you can see why I don’t need a robot to do remote surgery. 1.2621 0.05155 103 80 19 4
2208 I was told this procedure only needs to be performed once. 1.2621 0.05155 103 80 19 4
2209 We pride ourselves in our cutting-edge technology/ 1.2619 0.05648 84 65 16 3
2210 Good news, bad news: the surgeon has terrible aim. 1.2619 0.06135 84 67 12 5
2211 My patients often ask me how good I am with a knife. 1.2619 0.05648 84 65 16 3
2212 You may feel a “pinch” at the beginning. 1.2619 0.06135 84 67 12 5
2213 I'm blind...I'm also not a doctor. 1.2619 0.06135 84 67 12 5
2214 But the circus life wasn't for me, so here I am." 1.2619 0.05115 84 63 20 1
2215 Nobody sees the misses. 1.2619 0.05115 84 63 20 1
2216 There's no charge for accidental vasectomies! 1.2617 0.05529 107 86 14 7
2217 I kind of fell into surgery. 1.2617 0.05367 107 85 16 6
2218 Your reflexes are delayed. 1.2614 0.05937 88 70 13 5
2219 This will test your blood pressure. 1.2614 0.04980 88 66 21 1
2220 Just think of it as an MRI ...with knives 1.2614 0.05480 88 68 17 3
2221 Ready for lucky number 13? 1.2614 0.05937 88 70 13 5
2222 The procedure is non invasive, but harrowing. 1.2614 0.05480 88 68 17 3
2223 Next time put on the johnny gown when you are told to. 1.2614 0.05937 88 70 13 5
2224 Part of our pre-op routine is a little trust-building exercise. 1.2614 0.05480 88 68 17 3
2225 You ARE cut out for this 1.2614 0.05480 88 68 17 3
2226 Mine is an alternative dermatology practice. 1.2614 0.05480 88 68 17 3
2227 You're my doppelgänger, do you really think I'd try to miss? 1.2614 0.05236 88 67 19 2
2228 The procedure has a 20% success rate. 1.2614 0.05713 88 69 15 4
2229 I'm also the house physician for Cirque du Soleil. 1.2614 0.05713 88 69 15 4
2230 For just two monthly payments of $19.99, they slice, they dice, they diagnose. 1.2614 0.05937 88 70 13 5
2231 You’ll be awake through the whole thing. 1.2614 0.05937 88 70 13 5
2232 this time, i’ll wear the blindfold. 1.2614 0.04980 88 66 21 1
2233 We treat the fringes of the body, not the whole body 1.2614 0.04980 88 66 21 1
2234 'Relax,this procedure uses a cutting edge new technology. 1.2613 0.04909 111 86 21 4
2235 Relax -- I'm even more accurate when I actually use my hands. 1.2613 0.04739 111 85 23 3
2236 Don’t move and you will be fine. See? 1.2609 0.05960 92 74 12 6
2237 Point to where you want it to hurt. 1.2609 0.05096 92 70 20 2
2238 One treatment and your tremors are gone--guaranteed! 1.2609 0.04856 92 69 22 1
2239 Seriously, I've done this operation at least a dozen times. 1.2609 0.05325 92 71 18 3
2240 My record speaks for itself. 1.2609 0.06073 69 53 14 2
2241 ‘Of course, this record is not a guarantee of future performance’ 1.2609 0.05325 92 71 18 3
2242 Now just a few questions about your insurance coverage. 1.2609 0.05325 92 71 18 3
2243 As an acupuncturist I’m continually honing my skills. 1.2609 0.06073 69 53 14 2
2244 With my tennis elbow, this will hurt me more than you. 1.2609 0.05325 92 71 18 3
2245 I like to loosen up before beginning. Now let’s get started on that vasectomy. 1.2609 0.04797 115 89 22 4
2246 Great job, we’re now halfway through the identical twins skills evaluation…now it’s my turn to throw. 1.2609 0.05325 92 71 18 3
2247 It's just a hobby of mine... 1.2609 0.05096 92 70 20 2
2248 I like to operate outside of the lines 1.2609 0.05325 92 71 18 3
2249 Think of it like a cop's firing range,only for Doctors! 1.2609 0.05096 92 70 20 2
2250 They call me "The Blade" 1.2609 0.05756 92 73 14 5
2251 It’s a 4-out-of-5 doctors thing. 1.2609 0.05096 92 70 20 2
2252 We've eliminated nearly everything. One more and I think we'll hit the problem. 1.2605 0.04539 119 91 25 3
2253 Feel lucky? 1.2604 0.04966 96 73 21 2
2254 I'll call in a pharmaceutical salesperson and you can try it yourself. 1.2604 0.04966 96 73 21 2
2255 Of course, with a real patient, we're more accurate. 1.2604 0.05589 96 76 15 5
2256 That should solve your constipation problem. 1.2604 0.04966 96 73 21 2
2257 It’s more like an open MRI. 1.2604 0.05182 96 74 19 3
2258 My surgical technique is completely hands-off 1.2604 0.05589 96 76 15 5
2259 I'LL GO FOR THE PROSTATE TEST 1.2604 0.05589 96 76 15 5
2260 Well, you asked for the cheapest possible vasectomy. 1.2604 0.05389 96 75 17 4
2261 My wart removal process is almost foolproof... 1.2604 0.05182 96 74 19 3
2262 See, 100% success rate. Exactly as advertised! 1.2604 0.05182 96 74 19 3
2263 Don't worry, just a routine check. 1.2604 0.05389 96 75 17 4
2264 And this is from my early research into knifeless surgery. 1.2600 0.05435 100 79 16 5
2265 Would you prefer precision or accuracy? 1.2600 0.05435 100 79 16 5
2266 We will start as soon as my assistant brings the saw from the box. 1.2600 0.05049 100 77 20 3
2267 Is it a hit or miss opportunity? 1.2600 0.05245 100 78 18 4
2268 Oh, don't mind that; I like to practice between surgeries. 1.2600 0.05049 100 77 20 3
2269 After covid, the Patellar knee jerk test just wasn’t doing it for me anymore. You passed, btw. 1.2600 0.05245 100 78 18 4
2270 I know what you're thinking, but don't worry--it doesn't spin. 1.2600 0.05435 100 79 16 5
2271 Told you you have nothing to worry about. 1.2600 0.04845 100 76 22 2
2272 Healthcare: hit or miss. 1.2600 0.05245 100 78 18 4
2273 Mr. McCarthy, it’s time for vote no. 13. 1.2600 0.05617 100 80 14 6
2274 We do it standing up now because so many people are afraid of going “under” the knife. 1.2600 0.05966 100 82 10 8
2275 If survivorship bias has taught me nothing, this will be a perfectly safe procedure 1.2600 0.04632 100 75 24 1
2276 We call it "aura acupuncture". 1.2600 0.05245 100 78 18 4
2277 No, those are from the chief resident. I'm just an intern. 1.2597 0.05963 77 60 14 3
2278 There are several next steps in your training, including scalpels and patients 1.2597 0.05359 77 58 18 1
2279 Your profile seems to be an ideal fit for surgery. 1.2597 0.05359 77 58 18 1
2280 Rest assured, Mr. Jones, this procedure is on the cutting edge of medical technology. 1.2597 0.05669 77 59 16 2
2281 Your Cut Scan results are in 1.2597 0.06511 77 62 10 5
2282 It's our new constipation cure. It scares the shit out of you. 1.2596 0.05633 104 84 13 7
2283 I always practice before vasectomies. 1.2596 0.05112 104 81 19 4
2284 Okay, now let’s pinpoint where it really hurts. 1.2596 0.04926 104 80 21 3
2285 I'd say your odds of getting cancer are zero. 1.2595 0.04672 131 103 22 6
2286 I put together this brief outline of your medical history. 1.2593 0.05493 81 62 17 2
2287 That’s and outline of my last patient. The police just sent it over. 1.2593 0.05483 108 87 14 7
2288 And for my next affordable care act, I will attempt to saw you in half. 1.2593 0.05768 81 63 15 3
2289 See, I have done this procedure before. 1.2593 0.04987 108 84 20 4
2290 I only wanted a close shave!!! 1.2593 0.05768 81 63 15 3
2291 Last chance to reconsider this vasectomy. 1.2593 0.04987 108 84 20 4
2292 I’m still pretty bad with a knife, but I’m feeling really positive about your upcoming vasectomy chances. 1.2593 0.04810 108 83 22 3
2293 Ok now stand against the board with your shoes two feet apart. 1.2593 0.04810 108 83 22 3
2294 To warm up...I put an apple on your head 1.2593 0.05158 108 85 18 5
2295 Looks like you didn’t make the cut 1.2593 0.05323 108 86 16 6
2296 Ready for number 13? 1.2593 0.06029 81 64 13 4
2297 I'd say you have a one in thirteen chance of surviving. 1.2593 0.04810 108 83 22 3
2298 Doctor: You see, I told you I wasn’t a backstabber. 1.2593 0.04987 108 84 20 4
2299 Look at my wall of knives with the silhouette of a man drawn on it. Notice there are no knife hole in the silhouette. I’m a doctor. 1.2589 0.05190 112 89 17 6
2300 Insurance companies still hesitate in full-coverage, even after my medical school residency at the Big Top 1.2589 0.05343 112 90 15 7
2301 See? There's nothing to worry about. 1.2588 0.05063 85 64 20 1
2302 This is a new minimally invasive procedure for colon cleansing. 1.2588 0.05835 85 67 14 4
2303 Ready for surgery? 1.2588 0.05589 85 66 16 3
2304 Don't worry, during the actual surgery I'll hit the mark. 1.2588 0.05589 85 66 16 3
2305 I usually try to keep my medical practice separate from my magic act, but since you asked. 1.2588 0.05589 85 66 16 3
2306 The treatment's effective, but it has some risks. 1.2588 0.05333 85 65 18 2
2307 Trust me. I’ve done it many, many, many times. 1.2588 0.05333 85 65 18 2
2308 You should see how we have to do it for folks with Medicare 1.2588 0.06070 85 68 12 5
2309 The advantage to this procedure is that none of our patients have ever reported a recurrence. 1.2586 0.04916 116 91 20 5
2310 Let's build up your confidence before the surgery! 1.2586 0.05212 116 93 16 7
2311 To be fair, I was supposed to miss with those knives. And I did. So you can naturally assume that I have decent aim with knives. 1.2584 0.05426 89 69 17 3
2312 Looks like your force field's still working. 1.2584 0.05656 89 70 15 4
2313 My Medical Illustrator Courtney Brendal will draw a spleen on the wall and then we can get on with the operation. 1.2584 0.05426 89 69 17 3
2314 We didn’t get all of it… 1.2584 0.05656 89 70 15 4
2315 It's more intense than acupuncture. 1.2584 0.05426 89 69 17 3
2316 It's genius really... Wherever it hits you, that's where you're sick. 1.2584 0.05656 89 70 15 4
2317 Don't worry. This is science. See the white coat? 1.2584 0.05426 89 69 17 3
2318 Don't worry. I have lucky #13 in my hand. 1.2584 0.05426 89 69 17 3
2319 I also operate while on a unicycle. 1.2584 0.04667 89 66 23 0
2320 Cutting edge surgery 1.2584 0.05878 89 71 13 5
2321 We've determined it's NOT a nerve problem. 1.2584 0.05426 89 69 17 3
2322 Or would you rather just cut out the snacks?? 1.2584 0.05426 89 69 17 3
2323 My residency was in acupuncture. 1.2584 0.06297 89 73 9 7
2324 I take the Do No Harm oath seriously. 1.2584 0.05426 89 69 17 3
2325 Well that’s one way to get rid of hiccups. 1.2584 0.05185 89 68 19 2
2326 -or you can decide to have surgery? 1.2581 0.05275 93 72 18 3
2327 As you can see,my eye-hand coordination is nearly perfect. 1.2581 0.05275 93 72 18 3
2328 Most HMOs cover this 1.2581 0.05492 93 73 16 4
2329 Don’t worry, throwing knives aren’t my specialty 1.2581 0.05275 93 72 18 3
2330 Trust me, I'm no backstabber. 1.2581 0.05701 93 74 14 5
2331 This scan is hit or miss. 1.2581 0.05275 93 72 18 3
2332 We have a success rate of about 12 out of 13 with this procedure. 1.2581 0.05701 93 74 14 5
2333 Is this non invasive surgery doc? 1.2581 0.05275 93 72 18 3
2334 It's how I put myself through Med School 1.2581 0.05275 93 72 18 3
2335 Either way, 1.2581 0.05492 93 73 16 4
2336 They all had vision problems. I'm sure you won't miss! 1.2581 0.05275 93 72 18 3
2337 Doctor, what about between the legs 1.2581 0.05701 93 74 14 5
2338 I was a circus school dropout. So I settled for a medical degree. 1.2581 0.04811 93 70 22 1
2339 Before I operate I always like to test out my precision skills 1.2577 0.05135 97 75 19 3
2340 Well, time goes on. We are now switching to the double-blind protocol. 1.2577 0.04922 97 74 21 2
2341 First we practice, then we operate. 1.2577 0.05340 97 76 17 4
2342 Not to worry. I'm much better at this when you're lying down. 1.2577 0.05340 97 76 17 4
2343 Is this your first vasectomy? 1.2577 0.05538 97 77 15 5
2344 That does it for my warm-ups. Let's head over for your surgery. 1.2577 0.04464 97 72 25 0
2345 It seems your Aura is the problem 1.2577 0.05135 97 75 19 3
2346 This is minimally invasive... 1.2577 0.04922 97 74 21 2
2347 This time, let's try it with a blindfold. 1.2577 0.04922 97 74 21 2
2348 As surgical procedures go, it's hit or miss. 1.2574 0.05567 101 81 14 6
2349 Don't fret. Your odds of survival are better here. 1.2574 0.05387 101 80 16 5
2350 Everything looks good. You don’t need to go under the knife. 1.2574 0.04804 101 77 22 2
2351 Eleven out of twelve ain't bad. 1.2574 0.05387 101 80 16 5
2352 Did you sign the surgery consent form? 1.2571 0.04494 105 79 25 1
2353 Coming from a circus family, I like to keep in practice, now about your surgery... 1.2571 0.05069 105 82 19 4
2354 Anybody ever told you that you may not be cut out to be an assassin? 1.2571 0.05585 105 85 13 7
2355 We’re trying to put some fun into triage. 1.2571 0.05246 105 83 17 5
2356 Okay, now this one will test if you understand survivorship bias. 1.2571 0.05418 105 84 15 6
2357 Let's hope I get it right this time! 1.2571 0.05246 105 83 17 5
2358 I think we should get a professional to do this, doc. 1.2571 0.05069 105 82 19 4
2359 It is an HMO billing app 1.2571 0.04885 105 81 21 3
2360 It’s a relatively simple surgery as you can see. 1.2571 0.05069 105 82 19 4
2361 This is part of our new colonoscopy prep 1.2571 0.05069 105 82 19 4
2362 First we eliminate the obvious. 1.2569 0.04947 109 85 20 4
2363 A good scalpel is so hard to find. 1.2569 0.04772 109 84 22 3
2364 As you can see, the procedure is completely safe. 1.2568 0.05792 74 57 15 2
2365 This time, for sure... 1.2568 0.05463 74 56 17 1
2366 Not a very good marksman 1.2568 0.05463 74 56 17 1
2367 Are you familiar with Ed Ames? 1.2566 0.04666 113 87 23 3
2368 I'll see you next month for the archery tests. 1.2566 0.04666 113 87 23 3
2369 Whadda say twin brother; one more for good luck? 1.2564 0.05605 78 60 16 2
2370 Well, now we know what it's not. 1.2564 0.05605 78 60 16 2
2371 I was in the circus before I became a surgeon. 1.2564 0.05895 78 61 14 3
2372 The vasectomy is on the house 1.2564 0.05895 78 61 14 3
2373 I’ve always been good with a knife, so I sez, why not try my hand at surgery? 1.2564 0.04976 78 58 20 0
2374 My aim is improving. 1.2561 0.05151 82 62 19 1
2375 When my referring physician said you had great eye-hand coordination, I was impressed. I wasn't particularly looking for a surgeon who is a magician, though. 1.2561 0.05964 82 65 13 4
2376 I like to reassure my patients that I have a zero percent success rate. 1.2561 0.05964 82 65 13 4
2377 Whaddya say, double or nothing? 1.2561 0.05151 82 62 19 1
2378 Now that you trust my aim let’s get on with the vasectomy shall we? 1.2561 0.05964 82 65 13 4
2379 It simulates your current lifestyle choices. 1.2561 0.05964 82 65 13 4
2380 Hospitals are trying to add some fun back to being a patient. 1.2561 0.05964 82 65 13 4
2381 Your insurance pays for me to have BOTH eyes open! 1.2561 0.05435 82 63 17 2
2382 My fellowship was at Cirque du Soleil 1.2561 0.05435 82 63 17 2
2383 I'm afraid you're going to have to go under the knife. 1.2558 0.05013 86 65 20 1
2384 It's a bit controversial, but this new laxative treatment will clear you right up. 1.2558 0.05532 86 67 16 3
2385 So as you can see,our new AI knife-throwing computer is 100 safe. 1.2558 0.05279 86 66 18 2
2386 Relax 1.2558 0.05774 86 68 14 4
2387 sometimes i want to play darts when im in surgery so im combining them 1.2558 0.05532 86 67 16 3
2388 Relax, you're covered by your health insurance. 1.2556 0.05135 90 69 19 2
2389 If I were you, I’d eat more apples 1.2556 0.05373 90 70 17 3
2390 A little something I like to do before making that first incision. 1.2556 0.05135 90 69 19 2
2391 Now I’ll show you where I’m going in for your operation. 1.2556 0.05373 90 70 17 3
2392 Not to worry I only use sterilized knives 1.2556 0.05600 90 71 15 4
2393 Before we begin we will need you to sign our consent form. 1.2556 0.05600 90 71 15 4
2394 I'm a professional knife thrower. I only do surgeries in my spare time. 1.2556 0.05135 90 69 19 2
2395 Don’t worry, this is covered by your insurance. 1.2556 0.04886 90 68 21 1
2396 Congratulations. Your auraectomy was a success." 1.2556 0.05135 90 69 19 2
2397 This is how I spend my spare time. 1.2556 0.05819 90 72 13 5
2398 Looks like your condition is inoperable. 1.2556 0.05373 90 70 17 3
2399 We’re calling it “American Acupuncture 1.2556 0.06233 90 74 9 7
2400 If symptoms persist come back in four to six weeks. 1.2556 0.05819 90 72 13 5
2401 Before we continue with our examination, is your health insurance paid up? 1.2553 0.04768 94 71 22 1
2402 So I was thinking, why not put a little excitement in the ole vasectomy? 1.2553 0.05226 94 73 18 3
2403 There's nothing to worry about. If I hit you, I simply wave the copay. 1.2553 0.05226 94 73 18 3
2404 You'll feel a pinch. 1.2553 0.05440 94 74 16 4
2405 Your surgeon is Armenian 1.2553 0.05440 94 74 16 4
2406 No worries. 1.2553 0.05226 94 73 18 3
2407 well, i think we've established that I'm consistent with my knife work 1.2553 0.05002 94 72 20 2
2408 Well, I can say no patient has ever complained about a miss. 1.2553 0.05647 94 75 14 5
2409 Practice makes perfect, wouldn't you agree? 1.2553 0.05440 94 74 16 4
2410 Definitely you are not yet in a perfect shape. 1.2553 0.05440 94 74 16 4
2411 Stand tall and be the brave man that you want to be 1.2553 0.04768 94 71 22 1
2412 That was the magician, I'm your cardiologist 1.2553 0.05647 94 75 14 5
2413 My technique is cutting edge. 1.2553 0.05226 94 73 18 3
2414 The test result indicates that the vaccine has not made you magnetic 1.2553 0.05846 94 76 12 6
2415 this is just the warmup 1.2553 0.05226 94 73 18 3
2416 This is how i'm not gonna do it! 1.2553 0.05647 94 75 14 5
2417 Don’t worry. I almost always miss. 1.2553 0.05440 94 74 16 4
2418 I won "Doctors Got Talent" last year. 1.2551 0.04878 98 75 21 2
2419 Well, I think we've narrowed it down... 1.2551 0.05676 98 79 13 6
2420 ‘You stand there and now it’s the medical students turn’ 1.2551 0.05292 98 77 17 4
2421 I just scared whatever was wrong out of the last patient. 1.2551 0.04658 98 74 23 1
2422 Don't play with knives," mom always said. Well, look at me now 1.2551 0.05858 98 80 11 7
2423 In a minute, I’m about to feel some pressure. 1.2551 0.05089 98 76 19 3
2424 Yeah yeah acupuncture that's what this is... 1.2551 0.05089 98 76 19 3
2425 Don't worry, you'll be lying down for the real surgery. 1.2551 0.05089 98 76 19 3
2426 My nurse usually does this, but we’ve had some staffing shortages. 1.2551 0.05292 98 77 17 4
2427 Any doctor can just cut you open... 1.2551 0.05089 98 76 19 3
2428 Ok - now it’s my turn. 1.2551 0.05089 98 76 19 3
2429 As a surgeon, it's important for me to keep up with my knife skills. 1.2551 0.04426 98 73 25 0
2430 We use cutting edge technology 1.2551 0.04878 98 75 21 2
2431 You'll be laying down when we do yours. 1.2551 0.05292 98 77 17 4
2432 This is our best way to test if you are ready to go under the knife 1.2551 0.05089 98 76 19 3
2433 I used to perform in the circus. Maybe you’ve seen me? 1.2551 0.05487 98 78 15 5
2434 And they said my carnival training won’t translate to delicate surgery. But let’s get in there and prove them all wrong! 1.2551 0.05487 98 78 15 5
2435 I also perform brises 1.2549 0.04763 102 78 22 2
2436 After that, this should be a piece of cake. 1.2549 0.04763 102 78 22 2
2437 The dartboard's just for the diagnosis 1.2549 0.04763 102 78 22 2
2438 It's the "Surgeon 1.01" 1.2549 0.04963 102 79 20 3
2439 My method reveals a great deal more than standard imaging.. 1.2549 0.04555 102 77 24 1
2440 I quite disagree. There's nothing hit and miss about it at all. 1.2549 0.04963 102 79 20 3
2441 Don’t worry. I’ve done thousands of these operations without losing a patient. 1.2549 0.04555 102 77 24 1
2442 Your insurance company only covers accuracy, not precision. 1.2549 0.04963 102 79 20 3
2443 This will be interesting. I've never thrown knives at my doppelganger. Also did I mention I hate myself? 1.2549 0.05155 102 80 18 4
2444 Don't be fooled by those misses . . . 1.2547 0.05372 106 85 15 6
2445 Get in there. I call it the Baker’s Dozen. 1.2547 0.04845 106 82 21 3
2446 Wait till you see what I can do inside the body! 1.2547 0.05697 106 87 11 8
2447 We nearly nailed you in a premature coffin. 1.2545 0.04907 110 86 20 4
2448 Though adult circumcisions are trickier, as you can see I’ve been practicing all day 1.2545 0.04907 110 86 20 4
2449 You think that's good? Wait till you see where I put this last one. 1.2544 0.04631 114 88 23 3
2450 Do not worry. You will be under anesthesia during the whole time. 1.2544 0.05259 114 92 15 7
2451 You’re gonna feel a little pinch 1.2544 0.05259 114 92 15 7
2452 It's a Banksy. 1.2541 0.04442 122 94 25 3
2453 Congratulations! You will be starting in the sequel of “Knives Out” 1.2535 0.06254 71 56 12 3
2454 Say 'Ah!' 1.2533 0.05724 75 58 15 2
2455 It's really just a process of elimination. 1.2533 0.05400 75 57 17 1
2456 This is our alternative to hospital insurance. 1.2533 0.06601 75 61 9 5
2457 Our aptitude test shows that you could have a great future in the circus, but you'd be a lousy serial killer. 1.2533 0.06031 75 59 13 3
2458 We try and pinpoint the lesion 1.2533 0.05400 75 57 17 1
2459 As you can see Mr. Morton, you’ll be absolutely fine. As long as you’re exactly the right size and shape. 1.2533 0.06031 75 59 13 3
2460 This treatment has not only straightened out people's back problems but it has fixed their posture as well. 1.2532 0.05829 79 62 14 3
2461 Unfortunately, this is the only treatment covered by your insurance. 1.2532 0.06101 79 63 12 4
2462 This is just a rudimentary outline of your diagnosis. I'd like to hone in on some inner areas. 1.2530 0.06143 83 67 11 5
2463 The good news is this time we won't be going in blind. 1.2530 0.05378 83 64 17 2
2464 So, I told you it was safe, no? 1.2530 0.05645 83 65 15 3
2465 David, I thought the first step should be some exploratory surgery. 1.2530 0.05098 83 63 19 1
2466 You will be a cut above the rest. 1.2530 0.06143 83 67 11 5
2467 Relax. It’s a twin thing. 1.2530 0.05378 83 64 17 2
2468 Ready to go under the knife? 1.2530 0.05098 83 63 19 1
2469 Way, way more fun than an MRI. 1.2530 0.05899 83 66 13 4
2470 Can you guess where this one goes? 1.2529 0.05476 87 68 16 3
2471 Yes, I know it's prostate surgery. 1.2529 0.04964 87 66 20 1
2472 You did well in your pre-surgery procedure. 1.2529 0.05476 87 68 16 3
2473 This is not my first rodeo. 1.2529 0.05944 87 70 12 5
2474 I'm gonna kill you, John. 1.2529 0.05944 87 70 12 5
2475 It seems to alleviate constipation in my patients 1.2529 0.05226 87 67 18 2
2476 Let's wait until my hiccups go away. 1.2529 0.04687 87 65 22 0
2477 And finally, this is what your insurance covers. 1.2529 0.05226 87 67 18 2
2478 It’s a death defying treatment 1.2529 0.05476 87 68 16 3
2479 Those are all the spots where we won’t cut. 1.2529 0.05476 87 68 16 3
2480 Unless, of course, it’s survivor bias. 1.2529 0.05715 87 69 14 4
2481 It's not really a test for you as much as it is for my eyesight. 1.2529 0.05476 87 68 16 3
2482 Once we get this darn package open, we’ll have a much better outfit for you to wear for surgery. 1.2529 0.05715 87 69 14 4
2483 You decide, do you want a physician or a magician? 1.2529 0.05715 87 69 14 4
2484 The only real risk is the bill. 1.2529 0.05226 87 67 18 2
2485 You're my first hernia 1.2527 0.05086 91 70 19 2
2486 The surgery has a 90% success rate. Ready? 1.2527 0.05086 91 70 19 2
2487 This is one diagnostic technique we save for last. 1.2527 0.05321 91 71 17 3
2488 The receptionist did collect your copay already, right? 1.2527 0.05546 91 72 15 4
2489 See it is possible not to hit you. 1.2527 0.05321 91 71 17 3
2490 Ever played Operation? 1.2527 0.05086 91 70 19 2
2491 Before we go ahead, our lawyer needs to know your average income for the past five years. 1.2527 0.05086 91 70 19 2
2492 Now say AAAAHH! 1.2527 0.05321 91 71 17 3
2493 As you can see, I don't have much experience with treating prostrate cancer. 1.2527 0.05546 91 72 15 4
2494 The odds, Harrison, are not in your favor. 1.2527 0.05970 91 74 11 6
2495 Breaking News: Local surgeon stabs distracted identical twin patient in the back. 1.2527 0.05086 91 70 19 2
2496 See, I told you only 1% of thrown knives are fatal - all of these were completely harmless! 1.2527 0.05086 91 70 19 2
2497 The pre-op prep is key. 1.2526 0.05593 95 76 14 5
2498 I call it... the Caesarean 1.2526 0.05593 95 76 14 5
2499 This is your last chance to show me you're able to be a surgeon. 1.2526 0.05177 95 74 18 3
2500 Let’s try that vasectomy one more time. 1.2526 0.05177 95 74 18 3
2501 This is what I've outlined for your surgery. 1.2526 0.05177 95 74 18 3
2502 I should warn you appendectomies can be hit or miss. 1.2526 0.05389 95 75 16 4
2503 Surgery is stressful for us too. Waiting for you to wake up, we stood you up and unwound with an amusing little game. 1.2526 0.06165 95 79 8 8
2504 I did my residency through Ringling Brothers. 1.2526 0.05177 95 74 18 3
2505 The manufacturer warns of a very slight risk of impalement. 1.2526 0.05177 95 74 18 3
2506 You were never in any real danger. 1.2526 0.05593 95 76 14 5
2507 It was an off day. 1.2526 0.04956 95 73 20 2
2508 Sure, juggling knives is dangerous, but it was the MRI that killed him. 1.2526 0.04956 95 73 20 2
2509 I think we’ve narrowed the options down to one or two. 1.2525 0.04836 99 76 21 2
2510 I suggest laser surgery. Say, have you ever watched "Goldfinger?" 1.2525 0.05245 99 78 17 4
2511 Makes you forget all about that gall bladder,eh? 1.2525 0.05438 99 79 15 5
2512 Doctor, I can tell you're cutting-edge in your field. 1.2525 0.05438 99 79 15 5
2513 The x-ray will help me zero in. 1.2525 0.05044 99 77 19 3
2514 oh yes, quite necessary 1.2525 0.05245 99 78 17 4
2515 I used to work in the circus before I became a surgeon. 1.2524 0.04921 103 80 20 3
2516 Well, I don't see any problems here, so we'll have to do a complete blood panel, a hearing test, a stress test, a chest X-ray, a biopsy, an EKG, an ECG, a CAT scan, and an MRI. Then we'll try again with bigger knives. 1.2524 0.04921 103 80 20 3
2517 steady as a rock and you? 1.2523 0.04805 107 83 21 3
2518 Thanks for coming in. We'll have your results in a day or two. 1.2523 0.04985 107 84 19 4
2519 Don’t worry, this is cutting-edge technology. 1.2523 0.04868 111 87 20 4
2520 The last patient walked away, with my knives. 1.2523 0.04519 111 85 24 2
2521 I think we're getting closer to diagnosing your problem. 1.2523 0.05194 111 89 16 6
2522 They named white coat hypertension after me! 1.2523 0.05349 111 90 14 7
2523 Exposure therapy for your aichmophobia 1.2523 0.04868 111 87 20 4
2524 How about if we just clone you? 1.2522 0.04916 115 91 19 5
2525 You’ll feel a little pinch on this last one. 1.2500 0.05492 92 73 15 4
2526 So we leave nothing to chance, let's decide now who gets to wear the blindfold. 1.2500 0.05837 84 67 13 4
2527 I’m much better with a knife if you would just lie down and relax. 1.2500 0.05764 80 63 14 3
2528 I like to keep things light with a carnival atmosphere. 1.2500 0.06033 80 64 12 4
2529 I use this if acupuncture doesn’t do the trick. 1.2500 0.04684 104 80 22 2
2530 We have a 95 percent recovery rate. 1.2500 0.04795 92 70 21 1
2531 See, I’ve got a perfect record. 1.2500 0.04879 104 81 20 3
2532 Let's try for a baker's dozen. 1.2500 0.05657 88 70 14 4
2533 Yes, it was buried among the forms you signed. 1.2500 0.06289 80 65 10 5
2534 You think this is bad? If you weren’t insured I woulda done it after my lunchtime bourbon. 1.2500 0.05186 80 61 18 1
2535 It's acupuncture -- Jersey style. 1.2500 0.05421 88 69 16 3
2536 This procedure for your anxiety is really hit or miss. 1.2500 0.05130 96 75 18 3
2537 Wish I were that skillful with the scalpel” 1.2500 0.05421 88 69 16 3
2538 Of course, during the actual procedure, we'll strap you to a rotating target. 1.2500 0.05837 84 67 13 4
2539 This new constipation cure is truly cutting edge! 1.2500 0.06176 72 57 12 3
2540 So let me ask you this.....are you feeling lucky? 1.2500 0.05175 88 68 18 2
2541 It's a bit like painting-by-numbers... but different ! 1.2500 0.05322 84 65 17 2
2542 Best laxative ever. No drugs. Fast acting. 1.2500 0.05883 88 71 12 5
2543 Im better blindfolded. 1.2500 0.06077 84 68 11 5
2544 See? You won't feel a thing... 1.2500 0.06176 72 57 12 3
2545 Harry I’m your twin brother, trust me 1.2500 0.05175 88 68 18 2
2546 Do I have a choice? 1.2500 0.05764 80 63 14 3
2547 And this is where our surgeons receive their training, so as you can see they are quite skilled." 1.2500 0.05000 76 57 19 0
2548 I can get your aura back in shape in no time! 1.2500 0.05198 100 79 17 4
2549 It seems your organs are all working properly. 1.2500 0.05186 80 61 18 1
2550 Pick a knife, any knife. 1.2500 0.05658 76 59 15 2
2551 This could make it a Baker's Dozen. Care to try again? 1.2500 0.05851 72 56 14 2
2552 Well, like I said earlier, diagnosis is a tricky business. 1.2500 0.05585 84 66 15 3
2553 As you can see, he usually misses. 1.2500 0.05492 92 73 15 4
2554 And as an incentive to stick with your weight-loss program . . . 1.2500 0.05690 68 52 15 1
2555 We find that knife-throwing accidents are more likely to be covered by insurance. 1.2500 0.05038 92 71 19 2
2556 Doc, is this what you mean by cutting-edge treatment? 1.2500 0.04916 88 67 20 1
2557 How can you trust me with this and not your heart surgery?!? 1.2500 0.05038 92 71 19 2
2558 The last guy went 12 for 13. 1.2500 0.05175 88 68 18 2
2559 Now that we have your patient profile are you ready for the examination? 1.2500 0.05198 100 79 17 4
2560 So we've narrowed it down to the next surgery being within the outlined area. 1.2500 0.04911 96 74 20 2
2561 The pathologist has concluded that your problem is not cardiological. 1.2500 0.05764 80 63 14 3
2562 the scan of course will tell us more 1.2500 0.05322 84 65 17 2
2563 You've got insurance right? 1.2500 0.06077 84 68 11 5
2564 See, I don't even aim for the nads. 1.2500 0.05270 92 72 17 3
2565 Are you game for one more? 1.2500 0.05492 92 73 15 4
2566 I've learned a lot about heart surgery since medical school. 1.2500 0.04539 92 69 23 0
2567 Trust me, I know right where it is. Just hold still. 1.2500 0.05585 84 66 15 3
2568 The appendectomy was not a success. 1.2500 0.04994 112 89 18 5
2569 This test is to establish that a knife wound is not your main problem. 1.2500 0.05764 80 63 14 3
2570 First do no harm” is my mantra 1.2500 0.06176 72 57 12 3
2571 I learned a thing or two in culinary school. 1.2500 0.05322 84 65 17 2
2572 Everyone described an “ out of body experience”. 1.2500 0.05837 84 67 13 4
2573 Yes, we will hire you to outline the body at the crime scene 1.2500 0.05389 100 80 15 5
2574 ... "Of course, superficial control is always adhered to." 1.2500 0.05046 84 64 19 1
2575 As you can see, these knives were thrown with surgical precision 1.2500 0.05705 92 74 13 5
2576 I’m not quite there yet as a surgeon, but I’m getting closer. 1.2500 0.05322 84 65 17 2
2577 It's the bleeding edge in imaging technology. 1.2500 0.05492 92 73 15 4
2578 It was a summer job 1.2500 0.05658 76 59 15 2
2579 That's a dozen misses, son. You'll have to sharpen your game or you will never get out of here. 1.2500 0.05038 92 71 19 2
2580 Sometimes the OR is a real circus so I've been practicing 1.2500 0.05186 80 61 18 1
2581 I specialize in aura plastic surgery. 1.2500 0.05883 88 71 12 5
2582 This thermal seeking blade will determine where the cancer cells are located. 1.2500 0.05198 100 79 17 4
2583 Jeremy, are you sure there’s nothing else you want to disclose in our session? 1.2500 0.05339 96 76 16 4
2584 We had to revert to some medieval methods with our MRI machine in the shop 1.2500 0.05705 92 74 13 5
2585 Gort. Klatu berrada nicto. Klatu. Berrada. Nicto. 1.2500 0.05837 84 67 13 4
2586 I know exactly where your heart is, and will avoid it at all costs. 1.2500 0.05322 84 65 17 2
2587 Before we get started, would you like a photo-op for your social media? 1.2500 0.06248 76 61 11 4
2588 ok… now we check your prostate 1.2500 0.05421 88 69 16 3
2589 Your insurance denied our request to use fluoroscopic guidance, so there’s no other option 1.2500 0.05585 84 66 15 3
2590 I’ve been practicing for months. 1.2500 0.05067 104 82 18 4
2591 And for my final trick, I’ll make you appendix disappear 1.2500 0.05421 88 69 16 3
2592 It’ll be an epic BRIS 1.2500 0.05541 96 77 14 5
2593 It’s amputative elective surgery for influencers. Wildly ineffective, horrifically entertaining. 1.2500 0.06749 68 55 9 4
2594 I swear your hiccups will be gone in less than 2 minutes. 1.2500 0.06033 80 64 12 4
2595 I'd offer protective gear, but you can't afford it. 1.2500 0.06063 68 53 13 2
2596 Your existential surgery was a success. 1.2500 0.05339 76 58 17 1
2597 Yes, I did attend clown college. 1.2500 0.04795 92 70 21 1
2598 for soul’s acupuncture we use the old fashioned style! 1.2500 0.05764 80 63 14 3
2599 The last patient did very well. 1.2500 0.05322 84 65 17 2
2600 The board wants us to show off our excellent track record. 1.2478 0.04624 113 88 22 3
2601 You might feel a little prick 1.2476 0.05203 105 84 16 5
2602 Great spacing,am I right? 1.2476 0.05024 105 83 18 4
2603 Remember, medicine is a practice. 1.2476 0.04838 105 82 20 3
2604 Just stay within the lines and you will be okay. 1.2475 0.04956 101 79 19 3
2605 The way we are dressed is not indicative of my success rate of the 13th throw. 1.2475 0.04956 101 79 19 3
2606 It's what we call psychic surgery. 1.2475 0.05152 101 80 17 4
2607 No, I never feel a need to ask about your insurance status. 1.2475 0.05152 101 80 17 4
2608 Seems like the anti-tremor medication is working. 1.2475 0.04752 101 78 21 2
2609 Who says laparoscopic surgery can't be fun? 1.2474 0.05290 97 77 16 4
2610 It's tried and true therapy. Never fails to focus the mind. 1.2474 0.05290 97 77 16 4
2611 Of course, you’ll be asleep whilst all this happens. 1.2474 0.05490 97 78 14 5
2612 We’ll, that takes care of the pre-op 1.2474 0.05682 97 79 12 6
2613 I’m not much of a surgeon, but I’m a hell of a knife thrower. 1.2474 0.05490 97 78 14 5
2614 Now, regarding your surgery, I'll get right to the point. 1.2473 0.05220 93 73 17 3
2615 Graduated a D+, why? 1.2473 0.05439 93 74 15 4
2616 Your co-pay is $10. 1.2473 0.04991 93 72 19 2
2617 Think about it this way... There's no co-pay. 1.2473 0.05220 93 73 17 3
2618 OK, we've eliminated some hypotheses. Now we zero in. 1.2473 0.04751 93 71 21 1
2619 The Speaker of the House is yours 1.2473 0.05220 93 73 17 3
2620 This should cure your fear of needles. 1.2472 0.05124 89 69 18 2
2621 Now the next one's a bit tricky. 1.2472 0.05367 89 70 16 3
2622 I learned what NOT to do from watching a Johnny Carson rerun. 1.2472 0.05367 89 70 16 3
2623 It's how I confirm I'm sober enough to do the tricky stuff. 1.2472 0.05124 89 69 18 2
2624 But remember, the average incision is only skin deep 1.2472 0.05124 89 69 18 2
2625 First, the good news: We've hit on no major problems. The bad news is we intend to keep trying 1.2472 0.05367 89 70 16 3
2626 Yes, all of my clinical rotations in med school were via Zoom due to Covid, but not to worry…I aced my exams! 1.2472 0.05600 89 71 14 4
2627 I believe it's important to establish trust with my patients before I operate. 1.2471 0.06013 85 69 11 5
2628 Now we test your ability to stand PERFECTLY STILL.... 1.2471 0.05527 85 67 15 3
2629 The easy part is done. 1.2471 0.05527 85 67 15 3
2630 But there's a first time for everything. 1.2471 0.04995 85 65 19 1
2631 Please put your pants on. 1.2471 0.05268 85 66 17 2
2632 Looking at your chart, I would say surgery is not an option. 1.2471 0.05527 85 67 15 3
2633 Well, I preferred archery, but my mother wanted me to be a surgeon... 1.2471 0.05268 85 66 17 2
2634 Wait… then what did I just sign?” 1.2471 0.06013 85 69 11 5
2635 Gimme one more shot at that pesky appendix! 1.2471 0.05527 85 67 15 3
2636 I completed my residency at the Magic Castle. 1.2471 0.05527 85 67 15 3
2637 You want to repeat that about wanting a second opinion? 1.2471 0.05527 85 67 15 3
2638 Rotating tables are not covered by the bronze medical plan. 1.2471 0.04706 85 64 21 0
2639 Or would you prefer Watchful Waiting? 1.2471 0.05268 85 66 17 2
2640 It looks like your therapy sessions have been a success. 1.2471 0.05268 85 66 17 2
2641 So I said: accreditation, ashmedidation. Ringling Bros. is a fine medical school! 1.2471 0.05268 85 66 17 2
2642 So that's what I intend to do, more or less. 1.2469 0.05701 81 64 14 3
2643 It's our new cortisol stress test. 1.2469 0.05424 81 63 16 2
2644 Good news, this procedure is covered by your insurance plan. 1.2469 0.05701 81 64 14 3
2645 And I got my M.D. from Trump University. 1.2469 0.05424 81 63 16 2
2646 Yes! And that is exactly how I got started! 1.2469 0.05131 81 62 18 1
2647 I think you can guess where this last one is gonna go. 1.2469 0.05131 81 62 18 1
2648 Think of it as a stress test on steroids. 1.2469 0.05424 81 63 16 2
2649 It the very latest technique for losing that last ten pounds… 1.2469 0.05424 81 63 16 2
2650 Any more questions about my accuracy? 1.2468 0.06175 77 62 11 4
2651 you chose the budget appendectomy--results are not guaranteed 1.2468 0.05594 77 60 15 2
2652 Medical school wasn’t really my thing. 1.2468 0.05594 77 60 15 2
2653 We repeat this every week and you're guaranteed to slim down. 1.2468 0.05594 77 60 15 2
2654 I just need one more to warm up... 1.2468 0.05594 77 60 15 2
2655 Not many patients know the huge impact "I Love Lucy" had on me becoming a surgeon. 1.2468 0.05891 77 61 13 3
2656 Survives this, and you'll probably be cured. 1.2468 0.05594 77 60 15 2
2657 You see, if the procedure is successful the surgery will be non-invasive. 1.2468 0.05891 77 61 13 3
2658 I don't know if your insurance covers this procedure. 1.2466 0.05780 73 57 14 2
2659 Don't worry, we've got plenty of space available! 1.2466 0.06695 73 60 8 5
2660 See, my last patient survived 1.2466 0.05441 73 56 16 1
2661 Your chances of survival are one in thirteen. 1.2466 0.06101 73 58 12 3
2662 I'm a heart surgeon, not an optometrist 1.2466 0.05780 73 57 14 2
2663 Actually why don’t we throw medicine at the problem 1.2466 0.05441 73 56 16 1
2664 Spot the differences. 1.2466 0.06695 73 60 8 5
2665 You don’t seem convinced. 1.2464 0.06332 69 55 11 3
2666 what's to worry? You don't see any puncture marks inside the lines, do you? And it will really help you in keeping still... 1.2464 0.05986 69 54 13 2
2667 As you can see, the procedure is as painless as it is pointless. 1.2458 0.05238 118 97 13 8
2668 The last knife goes between the legs 1.2456 0.05071 114 92 16 6
2669 and as a bonus you get to keep the steak knives 1.2455 0.04690 110 86 21 3
2670 The surgery is quick and clean. 1.2455 0.04690 110 86 21 3
2671 As you can see, you're in good hands. I don't have to be board certified. 1.2455 0.04690 110 86 21 3
2672 Great. Can you actually make the incision this time though? 1.2455 0.04865 110 87 19 4
2673 Step right up to our patent pending cure for the hiccups! 1.2455 0.04509 110 85 23 2
2674 This is part of our pre-op before surgery. 1.2453 0.05159 106 85 16 5
2675 This next procedure may involve a little discomfort and/or the risk of disfigurement. 1.2453 0.04982 106 84 18 4
2676 Sure an MRI would be better, but it’s not covered by your insurance. 1.2453 0.04798 106 83 20 3
2677 Like I mentioned, it's practically an outpatient procedure. 1.2451 0.05107 102 81 17 4
2678 This is how I warm up for surgery. 1.2451 0.04712 102 79 21 2
2679 If you do everything I tell you, you won't be here long. 1.2451 0.04712 102 79 21 2
2680 See, I always get clear margins 1.2451 0.04914 102 80 19 3
2681 Does insurance cover this kind of anxiety treatment? 1.2451 0.04712 102 79 21 2
2682 As you can tell I’ve performed hundreds of these procedures without incident 1.2451 0.04712 102 79 21 2
2683 It’s frowned upon to operate on family members. 1.2451 0.04280 102 77 25 0
2684 Now, that wasn't so bad, was it? 1.2449 0.04601 98 75 22 1
2685 Your anxiety level has definitely decreased. 1.2449 0.05242 98 78 16 4
2686 My wife insisted I take up a hobby. 1.2449 0.04366 98 74 24 0
2687 Your BMI looks healthy." 1.2449 0.05439 98 79 14 5
2688 And you’re sure about the vasectomy? 1.2449 0.05242 98 78 16 4
2689 Shall we give the hypochondria test a whirl? 1.2449 0.05037 98 77 18 3
2690 in your case, I'd say the odds are about the same 1.2449 0.04824 98 76 20 2
2691 In the good news... we cured the 'existential' part, you now have simple anxiety. 1.2449 0.05037 98 77 18 3
2692 Circumcision is not an exact science. 1.2447 0.05387 94 75 15 4
2693 Rest assured your treatment will be highly targeted." 1.2447 0.04707 94 72 21 1
2694 I’ve found that patient survival rate increases dramatically when I hit the area surrounding the body, so that’s where I’ll aim. 1.2447 0.05171 94 74 17 3
2695 This always cures severe cases of hiccups. 1.2447 0.05596 94 76 13 5
2696 Just a little game my father taught me, before he passed away. 1.2447 0.05171 94 74 17 3
2697 So I missed your appendix … let’s try plan B. 1.2447 0.04944 94 73 19 2
2698 Now! Drop your pants and bend over! 1.2447 0.05171 94 74 17 3
2699 Don't worry! For your appendectomy, I'll try from closer range. 1.2447 0.05387 94 75 15 4
2700 You should see what I can do with a laser scalpel! 1.2447 0.05387 94 75 15 4
2701 our newest diagnostic technique, we call it "missing the point" 1.2447 0.05596 94 76 13 5
2702 13 is my lucky number. 1.2447 0.05171 94 74 17 3
2703 It,s good you weren’t on the Tonite Show 1.2447 0.05171 94 74 17 3
2704 Nice throws, but allow me to show you the difference between a layman and a surgeon. 1.2447 0.05171 94 74 17 3
2705 I hope you're not thinking it makes you look fat. 1.2447 0.04707 94 72 21 1
2706 You're half right! It IS called "A Knives Out Mystery", but that's Not Daniel Craig. 1.2447 0.05171 94 74 17 3
2707 Your force field was working today... I see!! 1.2447 0.05596 94 76 13 5
2708 It's the latest cutting-edge medicine. 1.2447 0.04944 94 73 19 2
2709 Of course it’s effective; patients almost never request a second session 1.2447 0.05387 94 75 15 4
2710 Let’s hope this distracts you from the fact that we look exactly alike 1.2447 0.05387 94 75 15 4
2711 So the tightrope walker says, 'Say, you know what you would be good at?' 1.2444 0.05314 90 71 16 3
2712 That's just a warmup, but we're taking acupuncture to a whole new level. 1.2444 0.05314 90 71 16 3
2713 So tell me, were you feeling tired and low energy during your treatment? 1.2444 0.05765 90 73 12 5
2714 Medicine has become a real circus 1.2444 0.05074 90 70 18 2
2715 No? Then it must have been an aura. That leaves a demon, which your insurance doesn’t cover. 1.2444 0.05978 90 74 10 6
2716 It's not just the decor I hate. 1.2444 0.05074 90 70 18 2
2717 Don't worry - your insurance will cover it. 1.2444 0.05074 90 70 18 2
2718 My residency did involve a rainbow wig,yes. 1.2444 0.05314 90 71 16 3
2719 It's my warm up for the surgery. 1.2444 0.05074 90 70 18 2
2720 Good news Carl. The insurance company agrees that we should actually cut you open. 1.2444 0.05544 90 72 14 4
2721 Funny how our folks, always praised you as the talented twin. Now, let's get to your vasectomy. 1.2444 0.05314 90 71 16 3
2722 You're scheduled for Monday, so we'll be good by then. 1.2444 0.04822 90 69 20 1
2723 Practice makes perfect." Judith Rosbe, Marion, M 1.2444 0.05765 90 73 12 5
2724 Relax. It's only a matter of life or death. 1.2444 0.05765 90 73 12 5
2725 All of your problems will soon vanish. 1.2444 0.04822 90 69 20 1
2726 It could have been worse. 1.2444 0.05314 90 71 16 3
2727 So the way this wormhole works . . . 1.2444 0.05314 90 71 16 3
2728 My oath says: "Do no harm." 1.2444 0.05544 90 72 14 4
2729 Yelp reviews? Vastly improved since my Lasik! 1.2442 0.05214 86 67 17 2
2730 Survivor bias? Never heard of it 1.2442 0.06393 86 72 7 7
2731 It's my update of the old Operation game. 1.2442 0.05470 86 68 15 3
2732 HE DIDN'T BUDGE 1.2442 0.05214 86 67 17 2
2733 What luck! I only need a vasectomy to win the free cruise. 1.2442 0.05470 86 68 15 3
2734 So how do you feel now that we're no longer Siamese twins? 1.2442 0.05715 86 69 13 4
2735 It's a real diagnostic time saver. 1.2442 0.05470 86 68 15 3
2736 The circumcision is scheduled for this Friday. 1.2442 0.04945 86 66 19 1
2737 It won't fix what ails you, but it's completely non-invasive 1.2442 0.05214 86 67 17 2
2738 Your insurance will only pay for surgery from a distance of five feet. 1.2442 0.04660 86 65 21 0
2739 Only 1 in 13 patients experience side effects. 1.2442 0.05715 86 69 13 4
2740 Looks good! You are in remission! 1.2442 0.05470 86 68 15 3
2741 Now, open wide and say "AAAAH!!!" 1.2442 0.04945 86 66 19 1
2742 Don't worry, it's just another form of acupuncture. 1.2442 0.05470 86 68 15 3
2743 The only question you need to ask yourself is 'Do I feel lucky?''' 1.2442 0.05715 86 69 13 4
2744 The operation was a success, but your aura died. 1.2442 0.04945 86 66 19 1
2745 In my off hours I work at carnivals to help pay off my medical school loans. 1.2439 0.05366 82 64 16 2
2746 We've had good results without an MRI. 1.2439 0.05366 82 64 16 2
2747 It makes your vasectomy seem less scary. 1.2439 0.05639 82 65 14 3
2748 You don’t trust your twin? 1.2439 0.05639 82 65 14 3
2749 It will hurt only if you move. 1.2439 0.05366 82 64 16 2
2750 Lucky for you it was a squid game 1.2439 0.05366 82 64 16 2
2751 My last acupuncturist was a Storm Trooper. 1.2439 0.05366 82 64 16 2
2752 As you can see