Contest #651


Cartoon

651

The winning captions

These captions are chosen by The New Yorker.

  1. “I wish we’d seen that before we ate Dave.”
  2. “Looking back, we had it pretty good there.”
  3. “I'll bet it's crawling with ants.”


Name Value
Submission deadline 2019-02-24T22:52:00.000Z
Voting started -
Voting ended 2019-03-10T21:54:00.000Z
Finalists announced 2019-03-04T22:53:00.000Z
Magazine(s) announcing finalists issued March 11, 2019
Number of captions 9250
Number of responses 2249813
Number of participants -


Dashboard

In this table, the "mean" means the empirically measured average funniness score when the "unfunny", "somewhat funny" and "funny" receive a funniness score of 1, 2, 3 respectively. "Precison" is the standard error of the mean, the standard deviation of the mean estimate. With that, a caption with an empirical mean μ and precision σ has true mean in the range [μ - 2σ, μ + 2σ] with 95% probability by the 68-95-99.7 rule assuming the responses are indepedent and identically distributed.

Rank Caption Mean Precision Total votes "Unfunny" votes "Somewhat funny" votes "Funny" votes
0 No need to panic: a reptile dysfunction is common for men of your age. 1.7716 0.05580 232 116 53 63
1 I usually don't say this to men.....How far apart are the contractions? 1.7673 0.05544 245 127 48 70
2 You have a reptile dysfunction. 1.7489 0.05397 235 117 60 58
3 I’m afraid you have a reptile dysfunction. 1.7266 0.04936 267 133 74 60
4 What we have here is a reptile dysfuntion. 1.7216 0.05201 255 133 60 62
5 Oh, a REPTILE dysfunction... 1.6827 0.05024 271 149 59 63
6 Reptile Disfunction is very common in men your age. 1.6822 0.05221 236 125 61 50
7 I'm afraid it's a reptile dysfunction. 1.6789 0.05459 246 142 41 63
8 How long between contractions? 1.6746 0.05549 209 112 53 44
9 Looks like a reptile dysfunction 1.6629 0.04945 267 147 63 57
10 I’m afraid you’ve got reptile dysfunction. 1.6627 0.05097 252 139 59 54
11 Not to worry. Reptile dysfunction is highly treatable. 1.6624 0.05365 237 134 49 54
12 Okay. Now YOU stick out your tongue. 1.6569 0.04994 239 126 69 44
13 Unfortunately, your insurance doesn't cover reptile dysfunction. 1.6559 0.05063 247 135 62 50
14 Reptile Dysfunction is common in men your age. 1.6553 0.04972 264 147 61 56
15 Relax, it's common for men of your age to have reptile dysfunction. 1.6540 0.05453 211 115 54 42
16 Give the snake two viagra and it will straighten out in about fifteen minutes. 1.6454 0.04612 282 152 78 52
17 Your wife was right. You have a reptile dysfunction. 1.6387 0.04949 274 159 55 60
18 Oh! You're here to get treated for REPTILE dysfunction. 1.6386 0.05145 249 143 53 53
19 I'll write you something for reptile dysfunction. 1.6364 0.04906 264 149 62 53
20 I understand you have concerns about a reptile dysfunction. 1.6356 0.05458 225 131 45 49
21 Reptile dysfunction. 1.6293 0.05186 232 131 56 45
22 How far apart are the contractions ? 1.6292 0.05114 240 136 57 47
23 Just as I thought..you are suffering from a reptile dysfunction. 1.6292 0.05181 240 138 53 49
24 No, a heart attack feels more like an elephant sitting on your chest. 1.6265 0.04900 249 138 66 45
25 It could be reptile dysfunction 1.6214 0.05203 243 143 49 51
26 Nice try, but I'm still going to check your prostate. 1.6207 0.04755 261 145 70 46
27 It’s a cute reptile dysfunction. What did you think I said? 1.6190 0.05178 231 132 55 44
28 You have symptoms of a reptile dysfunction. 1.6179 0.04802 280 164 59 57
29 It appears that you're suffering from a reptile disfunction. 1.6176 0.05525 238 149 31 58
30 I'm afraid there's nothing we can do. It's endangered. 1.6165 0.04565 266 144 80 42
31 You have an overactive adder. 1.6164 0.05214 219 123 57 39
32 It's just a reptile dysfunction. 1.6102 0.05089 254 152 49 53
33 "It's just reptile dysfunction. Nothing to be embarrassed about." 1.6085 0.05188 235 138 51 46
34 Don’t tell me. You ordered from the wrong Amazon. 1.6062 0.05094 226 128 59 39
35 The good news is we can safely remove the snake. The bad news is those aren't your legs. 1.6059 0.05137 236 138 53 45
36 Release ten mice in your living room and call me in the morning. 1.6057 0.04798 246 137 69 40
37 Says here you’re covered by COBRA? 1.6053 0.05059 228 129 60 39
38 I’ll give you something for a reptile dysfunction. 1.6048 0.05035 248 146 54 48
39 Worst case of Reptile Dysfunction I've come across. 1.6035 0.05079 227 129 59 39
40 You have a classic case of reptile dysfunction. 1.6035 0.05304 227 135 47 45
41 How often are the contractions? 1.6016 0.04767 246 137 70 39
42 It’s going around. 1.6008 0.04589 263 146 76 41
43 How frequent are the contractions? 1.5992 0.04729 262 150 67 45
44 And how far apart are the contractions? 1.5967 0.05125 243 146 49 48
45 Here’s a prescription for your reptile disfunction. 1.5958 0.04866 240 136 65 39
46 Looks as if you may have picked up a little something during your trip to Florida. 1.5943 0.04733 244 136 71 37
47 My bad. I meant to prescribe a vasoconstrictor. 1.5938 0.04757 256 147 66 43
48 Luckily, you're covered by Cobra. 1.5927 0.05012 248 148 53 47
49 Next time, try ordering from Amazon, not from THE Amazon. 1.5907 0.04808 237 133 68 36
50 Nice try. I still have to do the prostate exam.” 1.5906 0.04918 254 151 56 47
51 Come back when contractions are two minutes apart. 1.5903 0.05203 227 135 50 42
52 Last week it was a frog in your throat. 1.5902 0.04525 266 149 77 40
53 I’m writing you a prescription for reptile dysfunction. 1.5889 0.04903 253 150 57 46
54 It's clearly Ereptile Disfunction. 1.5887 0.05132 231 137 52 42
55 Well, I’d say it’s quite likely you have irritable boa syndrome. 1.5880 0.04987 233 135 59 39
56 It appears to be Reptile Dysfunction. 1.5875 0.04779 257 150 63 44
57 I can see here that you’re covered by COBRA. 1.5871 0.04860 264 159 55 50
58 I see that you're covered by COBRA. 1.5848 0.05148 224 132 53 39
59 I believe that you suffer from a reptile dysfunction, Mr. Collins. 1.5840 0.05113 250 155 44 51
60 And now, how far apart are the contractions? 1.5811 0.04699 265 156 64 45
61 You have a reptile dysfunction. Luckily, your COBRA covers it. 1.5810 0.04844 253 150 59 44
62 Looks like irritable boa syndrome. 1.5809 0.04896 241 141 60 40
63 Your insurance only pays if the snake bites, so let’s give it ten more minutes. 1.5804 0.05228 224 135 48 41
64 So how far apart are the contractions, would you say? 1.5769 0.04774 260 155 60 45
65 I see here that you're covered by COBRA 1.5766 0.05087 248 154 45 49
66 The good news is they sometimes go months without eating." 1.5761 0.04833 243 142 62 39
67 Which one of you is having difficulty swallowing? 1.5759 0.04658 257 149 68 40
68 So, it started with a frog in your throat ... 1.5748 0.04768 254 150 62 42
69 This is a classic case of a reptile disfunction. 1.5747 0.04730 261 155 62 44
70 It was supposed to be a vasoconstrictor. Sometimes they have problems with the handwriting. 1.5737 0.04912 251 152 54 45
71 Actually, I'd prefer that your lawyer wait outside. 1.5733 0.05125 232 141 49 42
72 I see you have a pre-existing constriction... 1.5732 0.04934 239 142 57 40
73 You can go home for now, but come back when the contractions are less than a minute apart. 1.5714 0.04760 259 155 60 44
74 You have irritable Boa syndrome. 1.5703 0.04885 263 163 50 50
75 The good news is you’re covered by COBRA. 1.5699 0.04491 272 158 73 41
76 Sorry about your cat. 1.5684 0.04758 234 134 67 33
77 I am going to write you a prescription for reptile dysfunction. 1.5680 0.05059 250 157 44 49
78 Unfortunately, this is not covered by your COBRA insurance. 1.5660 0.05351 212 130 44 38
79 Come back when constrictions are 2 to 3 minutes apart. 1.5657 0.04751 251 149 62 40
80 The good news is that the hissing you’ve been hearing isn’t tinnitus. 1.5657 0.04475 251 141 78 32
81 Until you get swallowed, it's considered a pre-existing condition. 1.5652 0.04853 253 154 55 44
82 You need to unwind. 1.5639 0.04318 266 149 84 33
83 Don't let this rattle you, but what you are experiencing is a reptile dysfunction." 1.5625 0.05029 240 148 49 43
84 The X-rays are back and the good news is we've found your kids 1.5620 0.04780 258 157 57 44
85 Endangered species. My hands are tied. 1.5620 0.04780 258 157 57 44
86 I see you're still covered by COBRA. 1.5617 0.05079 235 145 48 42
87 Looks like a case of reptile dysfunction 1.5615 0.04861 244 147 57 40
88 I'm sorry, Mr. Jones. It looks like you have a case of reptile dysfunction. 1.5602 0.05048 241 150 47 44
89 Nothing for you but, I'm prescribing a muscle relaxer for your friend. 1.5602 0.04637 266 160 63 43
90 I’m afraid your insurance doesn’t cover reptile dysfunction! 1.5584 0.05040 231 141 51 39
91 It's a classic case of ereptile dysfunction 1.5582 0.04717 249 148 63 38
92 Luckily, you're covered under COBRA. 1.5572 0.04630 271 165 61 45
93 Sorry , you're not covered for prexisting constrictions. 1.5564 0.04608 266 160 64 42
94 I’ll need you to hiss in this cup. 1.5546 0.04852 238 143 58 37
95 Hmm, unfortunately it looks like your insurance does not cover pre-existing constrictions. 1.5541 0.04929 231 139 56 36
96 It looks likes a snake, but I'm going to schedule a pet scan just to be sure. 1.5541 0.04891 231 138 58 35
97 Don’t be ashamed, Ereptile Dysfunction is more common than you would think 1.5538 0.04791 251 153 57 41
98 I’m afraid we don’t cover pre-existing constrictions. 1.5527 0.04942 237 145 53 39
99 Vick's Viper rub should do the trick. 1.5526 0.04941 228 137 56 35
100 It's completely normal Mr. Richards...lots of men your age suffer from reptile dysfunction. 1.5525 0.05058 219 132 53 34
101 Nice try, but I am still going to do your prostate exam. 1.5523 0.04980 239 148 50 41
102 I see you’re covered under COBRA 1.5523 0.05051 239 150 46 43
103 I see you're covered by COBRA. 1.5519 0.04878 241 147 55 39
104 It says here you are covered by Cobra. 1.5514 0.04881 243 149 54 40
105 I thought a reptile dysfunction was misspelled. 1.5508 0.05067 236 148 46 42
106 Actually, this is the one thing your plan does cover. 1.5500 0.04786 240 144 60 36
107 Let's talk about your COBRA coverage. 1.5481 0.04911 239 147 53 39
108 So I see you have cobra insurance. 1.5481 0.05052 239 151 45 43
109 As soon as she’s done taking your blood pressure, she’ll do the prostate check. 1.5473 0.04705 243 145 63 35
110 No, a heart attack feels more like an elephant on your chest. 1.5455 0.04423 253 146 76 31
111 And when was his last meal? 1.5451 0.04746 233 138 63 32
112 The pharmacist must have misread the type of vasoconstrictor I was prescribing. 1.5447 0.04792 235 141 60 34
113 Not quite the COBRA coverage you expected from your former employer? 1.5441 0.04744 261 163 54 44
114 Your insurance doesn't cover pre-existing constrictions. 1.5433 0.04685 254 155 60 39
115 Unfortunately, I see you only have COBRA insurance. 1.5411 0.04896 231 141 55 35
116 Have you tried vigorously twirling counterclockwise? 1.5372 0.04463 242 140 74 28
117 Bad news, I'm afraid. Your insurance doesn't cover pre-existing constrictions. 1.5365 0.04903 233 144 53 36
118 And then she just left you two in the garden? 1.5365 0.04827 233 142 57 34
119 The good news is that the frog in your throat is no longer a problem. 1.5363 0.04741 248 153 57 38
120 It's probably just an anaconda, but we'll want to run some tests. 1.5357 0.04440 252 148 73 31
121 Well, Adam, your insurance says Original Sin is a preexisting condition. 1.5347 0.04821 245 153 53 39
122 Well, the tests confirmed you are suffering from Irritable Boa Syndrome. 1.5347 0.04572 245 146 67 32
123 Your snake's fine. I just want to remind you again that there is no need to take your clothes off at a veterinarian's office. 1.5342 0.05065 219 136 49 34
124 Let me know when the contractions are a about a minute apart. 1.5339 0.04947 221 135 54 32
125 It appears you have ereptile dysfunction. 1.5331 0.04678 257 160 57 40
126 You say you're covered by COBRA? 1.5325 0.04782 231 140 59 32
127 So, which one of you is Howard? 1.5322 0.04866 233 144 54 35
128 I think you misunderstood when your employer told you that you were going to need COBRA coverage. 1.5316 0.04913 237 149 50 38
129 Are you still covered by COBRA? 1.5314 0.04490 271 167 64 40
130 When the contractions are two minutes apart, you probably ought to go to the hospital. 1.5310 0.04599 258 159 61 38
131 ‘The good news is that you’re fully covered by your cobra plan.’ 1.5304 0.04993 230 145 48 37
132 First, let’s order a PET scan. 1.5299 0.04455 251 149 71 31
133 Is this new or a preexisting constriction? 1.5287 0.04292 261 153 78 30
134 And I see you're now covered by COBRA. 1.5284 0.05010 229 145 47 37
135 I see your COBRA's kicked in. 1.5276 0.04589 254 156 62 36
136 Let me know when the contractions come five minutes apart. 1.5273 0.04595 256 158 61 37
137 I'm referring you to a mongoose. 1.5259 0.04631 251 155 60 36
138 Okay, let's go over it again: You swallowed a spider to catch the fly... 1.5254 0.04706 236 144 60 32
139 Just checking my records. Are you still covered by COBRA? 1.5253 0.04581 257 159 61 37
140 I’m writing you a prescription for your ereptile dysfunction. 1.5251 0.05230 219 142 39 38
141 I think we'll skip the prostate exam this time" 1.5250 0.04684 240 147 60 33
142 EREPTILE Dysfunction! Ha ha, get it? But seriously, get it off. 1.5250 0.04867 240 152 50 38
143 It's nothing serious, just something that's going around. 1.5250 0.04794 240 150 54 36
144 It’s “Adam”, right? 1.5249 0.04823 221 134 58 29
145 How much longer do you have Cobra coverage? 1.5248 0.04940 242 156 45 41
146 Sarah, call Mrs. Blakely, tell her her snake is fine, and we found her husband. 1.5244 0.04739 246 154 55 37
147 You definitely picked something up on your trip to South America. 1.5236 0.04487 254 154 67 33
148 I'm not sure COBRA covers this. 1.5232 0.04805 237 148 54 35
149 My hands are tied - it’s a protected species. 1.5230 0.04662 239 146 61 32
150 It's coilitis. 1.5227 0.04520 264 164 62 38
151 I’m going to have you stand and turn counterclockwise 4 times as fast as you can 1.5212 0.04319 259 154 75 30
152 I see that you’re fully covered by COBRA. 1.5212 0.04748 259 167 49 43
153 I'm sorry, but your health plan doesn't cover reptile dysfunction. 1.5212 0.04932 236 151 47 38
154 Sooo....what brings you in today? 1.5208 0.04534 240 144 67 29
155 I'm calling it 'constricted bowel' for insurance purposes. 1.5208 0.04610 240 146 63 31
156 Sorry to say, but I think it’s e-boa. 1.5206 0.04289 267 160 75 32
157 Ereptile dysfunction is nothing to be ashamed about. 1.5205 0.04858 219 134 56 29
158 You came to the right place, reptile dysfunction is my specialty. 1.5190 0.04386 289 183 62 44
159 I’m sorry sir, but your insurance doesn’t cover pre-existing constrictions 1.5190 0.04843 237 150 51 36
160 Please stick out your other tongue. 1.5189 0.04457 264 163 65 36
161 I’m afraid there’s nothing we can do. It’s on the endangered species list. 1.5188 0.04663 239 147 60 32
162 You have Reptile Dysfunction. I'm prescribing Snake Oil, which is covered by TrumpCare. 1.5187 0.04653 268 173 51 44
163 To my utter surprise, this IS actually covered under your plan. 1.5172 0.04496 261 162 63 36
164 Ironically, your COBRA coverage just ran out. 1.5171 0.04816 234 147 53 34
165 So the tests all came back positive. It is a snake. 1.5168 0.04753 238 149 55 34
166 What brings you in today? 1.5164 0.04841 244 157 48 39
167 Just a mild case of viper tension. 1.5153 0.04778 229 142 56 31
168 Now let me get this straight: You were in this garden with a naked woman eating apples .... 1.5145 0.04744 241 152 54 35
169 So I see you're here for ereptile disfunction 1.5143 0.04720 245 155 54 36
170 I'm afraid your insurance doesn't cover pre-existing constrictions. 1.5141 0.04662 249 157 56 36
171 Yes, we've being seeing a lot of Irritable Boa Syndrome this season. 1.5141 0.04696 249 158 54 37
172 Sir, ereptile dysfunction is not my area of expertise 1.5127 0.04631 236 145 61 30
173 This thing has been going around. 1.5126 0.04640 238 147 60 31
174 This isn’t covered under COBRA. 1.5126 0.04864 238 153 48 37
175 Your insurance company is concerned that it may be a preexisting constriction. 1.5125 0.04723 240 151 55 34
176 So it wasn't a typo. You do have a large asp. 1.5125 0.04723 240 151 55 34
177 The good news is we’ve made great strides in treating A Reptile Dysfunction. 1.5124 0.04766 242 154 52 36
178 Ah, Mr. Smith. I see you've met Victor. Victor is the head of our billing department. 1.5123 0.04736 244 155 53 36
179 So, how long have you been experiencing ereptile dysfunction? 1.5122 0.04706 246 156 54 36
180 Nice try, but I'm still going ahead with your colonoscopy. 1.5121 0.04676 248 157 55 36
181 Off hand, I'd say you are being suffocated by a snake, but just to make sure I'm going to order a bunch of tests. 1.5115 0.04612 262 168 54 40
182 I'm sorry, but this is a preexisting constriction . 1.5106 0.04762 235 148 54 33
183 And after surgery you’ll have a super cute bag and matching shoes. 1.5105 0.04769 237 150 53 34
184 Unfortunately, your insurance doesn't cover preexisting constrictions. 1.5104 0.04781 241 154 51 36
185 The good news is that you no longer have that monkey on your back. 1.5104 0.04597 241 149 61 31
186 Nice try, Mr. Jones, but you can't avoid a prostate exam. 1.5104 0.04634 241 150 59 32
187 The good news is that it’s covered by your COBRA benefits. 1.5098 0.04475 255 158 64 33
188 So, you have no idea what happened to your therapy dog? 1.5097 0.04483 257 160 63 34
189 Are you covered under COBRA? 1.5096 0.04594 261 167 55 39
190 Nice try, Mr Rosen, but there's no escaping your prostate exam. 1.5088 0.05031 228 149 42 37
191 As you, no doubt, surmised, you did not receive the placebo. 1.5065 0.04787 231 146 53 32
192 Ironically, yes, I do believe this is covered under your COBRA. 1.5063 0.04694 237 149 56 32
193 Don’t worry. Ereptile disfunction is very common for men your age. 1.5063 0.04953 237 156 42 39
194 But many things can cause tightness in the chest. Let's not jump to conclusions. 1.5061 0.04327 247 148 73 26
195 So this is the only COBRA coverage you could afford? 1.5059 0.04645 255 164 53 38
196 I'm sorry, it's a pre-existing constriction. 1.5058 0.04449 257 160 64 33
197 'Looks like its just something that's going around.." 1.5057 0.04348 265 164 68 33
198 It's just something that's going around 1.5055 0.04407 273 173 62 38
199 It will continue to constrict you until you can no longer take a breath. But enough about your insurance company. 1.5055 0.04704 275 185 41 49
200 Just to clarify...you say this started with a frog in your throat? 1.5046 0.04822 216 134 55 27
201 "It's all in your mind. The condition is called hypoanacondria. 1.5044 0.04868 226 144 50 32
202 It's just a little something to help you both unwind. 1.5044 0.04745 226 141 56 29
203 I'm so sorry, we only accept COBRA here. 1.5042 0.04828 238 154 48 36
204 So how long have you been covered by Cobra? 1.5000 0.04761 240 155 50 35
205 Any tightness or difficulty breathing? 1.5000 0.04576 226 138 63 25
206 I'm writing you a prescription for a mongoose. 1.5000 0.04542 234 144 63 27
207 Your insurance provider has denied coverage based on a pre-existing constriction. 1.5000 0.04671 236 149 56 31
208 We got the monkey off your back, but you’ll need to see a specialist for this one. 1.5000 0.04458 240 147 66 27
209 This is why early detection is so important. Once they swallow you whole, our options are limited. 1.5000 0.04426 248 153 66 29
210 Good news: it’s not poisonous. Bad news: it’s endangered. 1.5000 0.04748 236 151 52 33
211 I'm writing a prescription for something to help you unwind. 1.5000 0.04723 230 145 55 30
212 I'm sorry, but COBRA and BOA are actually two separate policies. 1.5000 0.04946 214 136 49 29
213 So, cost was not what you meant when you said you were getting squeezed by COBRA. 1.5000 0.05004 234 156 39 39
214 With your plan, it's the only way to measure your blood pressure. Just wait until you see how we check your prostate. 1.5000 0.05143 226 152 35 39
215 So where's the gerbil now?" 1.5000 0.04597 270 178 49 43
216 Unfortunately there’s no cure for e-reptile dysfunction. 1.4981 0.04607 267 176 49 42
217 Give him two white mice and call me in the morning 1.4981 0.04225 267 164 73 30
218 I'm prescribing you an antihisstamine. 1.4981 0.04457 259 164 61 34
219 I’m going to prescribe a laxative for the snake. You should pass through in a day or two. 1.4981 0.04346 257 159 68 30
220 I'm prescribing you an oboe and a basket -- should work like a charm. 1.4981 0.04551 257 165 56 36
221 He just ate a whole pig, so you should be safe for the next month. 1.4980 0.04476 255 161 61 33
222 It looks like you’re covered under COBRA. 1.4980 0.04663 249 161 52 36
223 So what are we seeing you for today? 1.4980 0.04614 245 156 56 33
224 I’m afraid I will have to charge you for my missing receptionist. 1.4980 0.04650 245 157 54 34
225 My first concern is the location of the tail. 1.4979 0.04417 243 149 67 27
226 No, you can leave the snake on. 1.4962 0.04444 260 165 61 34
227 Well, the test results finally came back, and you were right--it is a Burmese python. 1.4959 0.04431 242 149 66 27
228 It looks like your cobra covers fifty percent 1.4955 0.05022 224 148 41 35
229 What brought you here today? 1.4943 0.04497 261 168 57 36
230 So now is probably a terrible time to tell you we no longer accept COBRA. 1.4941 0.04740 253 168 45 40
231 I'm sorry but your policy does not cover pre-existing constrictions. 1.4939 0.04656 247 160 52 35
232 There is nothing we can do about your snake but on the bright side I think we know where your hamster went 1.4937 0.04539 237 148 61 28
233 As your vet, I think the first thing to do is remove that man who's stuck in the middle of you 1.4933 0.04925 225 147 45 33
234 Well, if it was a COBRA, you’d be covered... 1.4933 0.04835 223 143 50 30
235 I'll write the prescription more legibly this time. 1.4921 0.04585 252 163 54 35
236 It says on your insurance paperwork that you're covered by COBRA; is that correct? 1.4919 0.04741 246 162 47 37
237 You needn't have removed your socks. 1.4919 0.04563 246 157 57 32
238 ... sorry, it says here you’re only covered if he actually bites you.” 1.4917 0.04497 240 150 62 28
239 It says here that this is a pre-existing constriction. 1.4908 0.04876 218 140 49 29
240 And just what brings you in today? 1.4906 0.04323 267 169 65 33
241 Bad news, Harold. I’m afraid you have Ereptile Dysfunction. 1.4905 0.04471 263 170 57 36
242 About your insurance--it seems you have COBRA? 1.4903 0.04617 257 169 50 38
243 COBRA plan? 1.4903 0.04275 257 159 70 28
244 So what brings you here? 1.4899 0.04656 247 161 51 35
245 Sorry, but this is a python and you have COBRA. 1.4895 0.04664 239 154 53 32
246 While I would love to help out, he's endangered whereas you are merely screwed. 1.4895 0.04880 237 158 42 37
247 Chest pain. Shortness of breath. Decreased mobility of the upper extremities. We're going to want to run some tests. 1.4893 0.04677 233 149 54 30
248 Here is your letter about your Emotional Support Snake, now you must convince the Airline . 1.4882 0.04625 254 167 50 37
249 'Looks like you got the full Monty python.' 1.4881 0.04445 252 160 61 31
250 Your insurance form says you have COBRA coverage. 1.4881 0.04721 252 168 45 39
251 Well scaly dry skin is very common in the winter months. 1.4880 0.04543 250 161 56 33
252 Let's have a follow-up appointment when the contractions are less than five minutes apart. 1.4878 0.04670 246 161 50 35
253 No. I said use a vapor rub 1.4874 0.04678 238 154 52 32
254 Unfortunately this isn't covered under your COBRA insurance. 1.4873 0.04747 236 154 49 33
255 I'm afraid this won't be covered under your COBRA insurance. 1.4873 0.04709 236 153 51 32
256 Well, at least you’re covered by COBRA. 1.4870 0.05034 230 156 36 38
257 And remember this next time you promise to drain the swamp. 1.4868 0.04834 228 149 47 32
258 You just need to go home and unwind. 1.4868 0.04477 265 173 55 37
259 That’s going to make your prostate exam more challenging. 1.4867 0.04339 263 167 64 32
260 I can remove him, no problem, just be more careful around humans in the future.” 1.4865 0.04893 222 145 46 31
261 Do you hear a rattle when you cough? 1.4864 0.04516 257 167 55 35
262 Would you prefer a gown? 1.4863 0.04475 255 164 58 33
263 Unfortunately, this won't be covered by Cobra. 1.4861 0.05249 216 148 31 37
264 So...what brings you here today Mr. Jones? 1.4858 0.04620 247 161 52 34
265 Honestly Dan, I think you need to reconsider your choice of a support animal. 1.4857 0.04685 245 161 49 35
266 So, tell me why you’re here. 1.4855 0.04671 241 157 51 33
267 Well...despite what WebMD says, the numbness in your legs isn't cancer. 1.4855 0.04634 241 156 53 32
268 This is one time that I think snake oil will really work. 1.4854 0.04738 239 157 48 34
269 I'm sorry, but your COBRA doesn't cover everything. 1.4854 0.04848 239 160 42 37
270 Otherwise, it was a good vacation? 1.4851 0.04343 268 172 62 34
271 Any trouble swallowing? 1.4848 0.04460 231 143 64 24
272 I'm going to prescribe a small goat to help relieve that tightness. 1.4846 0.04342 260 165 64 31
273 Your plan doesn't cover this, but I can refer you to a Pentecostal church. 1.4845 0.04262 258 161 69 28
274 Have you considered a service dog? 1.4844 0.04392 256 163 62 31
275 I don't think this is covered in your COBRA policy 1.4843 0.04917 223 147 44 32
276 I noticed that you answered "no" to the question "Do you feel safe at home?" 1.4841 0.04584 252 165 52 35
277 This should be quick. I’ll just need you to stand up, turn around and drop the snake to your ankles, please. 1.4841 0.04444 252 161 60 31
278 I see you have COBRA coverage. 1.4837 0.04775 246 165 43 38
279 Well, the good news is we were able to remove the mole.” 1.4835 0.04251 273 174 66 33
280 You may want to reconsider your choice of an Emotional Support Animal. 1.4829 0.04598 263 176 47 40
281 Snake's date of birth? 1.4829 0.04371 263 169 61 33
282 The good news is your cholesterol levels are fine. The bad news is your blood pressure is 650 over 400. 1.4828 0.04611 232 148 56 28
283 And what seems to be the trouble today? 1.4823 0.04660 226 144 55 27
284 It is going around, I can tell you thát. 1.4822 0.04431 253 162 60 31
285 Yes, we do accept Cobra coverage. 1.4818 0.04798 220 142 50 28
286 Let me explain again the difference between a restrictive diet and a constrictive diet. 1.4812 0.04548 239 153 57 29
287 I'm going to prescribe you a mongoose. Should clear that right up. 1.4810 0.04616 237 153 54 30
288 Put two mice in the corner every four hours. 1.4803 0.04624 254 169 48 37
289 Sad to say, your COBRA doesn't even cover it. 1.4802 0.04728 227 147 51 29
290 As a veterinarian, I don't see anything wrong with him. 1.4800 0.04361 250 158 64 28
291 It appears you are suffering from vipertension. 1.4800 0.04589 225 142 58 25
292 Well I've narrowed it down to workplace stress, or the snake. 1.4797 0.04413 246 156 62 28
293 Give him two small mice and call me in the morning! 1.4797 0.04598 246 161 52 33
294 Does anyone besides you see the snake? 1.4795 0.04478 244 156 59 29
295 And is this snake in the room with you right now? 1.4792 0.04610 240 156 53 31
296 And you say this all started when he gave your wife an apple? 1.4792 0.04648 240 157 51 32
297 Hissing in your ears? 1.4786 0.04334 234 144 68 22
298 Sorry for the wait, Mr. Baker....So, what brings you in to see us today? 1.4784 0.04610 232 149 55 28
299 Mmmhm... and how far apart are the constrictions? 1.4784 0.04298 255 161 66 28
300 I'm afraid I specialize in internal medicine. Come back once it has consumed you. 1.4783 0.04431 230 143 64 23
301 Of course if it swallows you first we’ll have to try something more aggressive: 1.4781 0.04421 251 161 60 30
302 I see you’ve met our claims adjuster. 1.4778 0.04474 270 180 51 39
303 I'm not so much concerned about when you last ate, as I am with when it last ate. 1.4770 0.04045 283 178 75 30
304 Unfortunately, your COBRA doesn't cover this. 1.4770 0.04737 239 159 46 34
305 It's nothing serious but if it bothers you I can remove it. 1.4769 0.04591 216 135 59 22
306 It could be the python, but we'll run lots of tests to be sure. 1.4756 0.04674 225 145 53 27
307 I’m going to prescribe a mongoose. 1.4754 0.04515 244 158 56 30
308 Otherwise, you're in perfect health. 1.4754 0.04324 244 153 66 25
309 Well... I have your test results and it's definitely Irritable Boa Syndrome. 1.4754 0.04439 244 156 60 28
310 I think we should to a PET scan 1.4754 0.04285 244 152 68 24
311 This should hold you until you can afford the gastric band. 1.4753 0.04501 263 175 51 37
312 Trust me, this is more effective than an enema. 1.4743 0.04465 253 165 56 32
313 I see you picked up something from your trip to the Amazon. 1.4743 0.04358 253 162 62 29
314 So which one of you is the patient? 1.4741 0.04384 251 161 61 29
315 My problem with these trendy diets is that as soon as the snake comes off, you're eating again. 1.4739 0.04210 268 171 67 30
316 Your vitals are OK. Your bloodwork is good. No sign of heart disease. So I'm going to say the tightness in your chest is from the snake. 1.4737 0.04285 247 155 67 25
317 It says here your insurance doesn't cover preexisting constrictions. 1.4733 0.04453 281 191 47 43
318 Yeah, it’s going around. 1.4731 0.04236 260 165 67 28
319 OK you can put your pants back on 1.4729 0.04260 258 164 66 28
320 Sorry, this is Hematology. You want Herpetology. 1.4726 0.04334 237 148 66 23
321 I'm going to write you a little something to help you unwind. 1.4724 0.04162 254 158 72 24
322 This is the last letter I'm writing for your emotional support animal. 1.4721 0.04752 233 155 46 32
323 Sorry sir, this doesn't qualify you for medical marijuana. 1.4721 0.04594 233 151 54 28
324 Buy a mongoose and use as directed. 1.4714 0.04807 227 151 45 31
325 Sorry, you only have COBRA coverage. 1.4713 0.04697 244 164 45 35
326 He may not be in your network, but I can refer you to an excellent mongoose. 1.4709 0.04574 223 142 57 24
327 Two mice every fours hours. 1.4706 0.04521 238 154 56 28
328 Yes, we've recently been seeing a lot of this in South Florida. It's called Reptile Disfunction. 1.4704 0.04503 270 183 47 40
329 Well I see that you have COBRA coverage. 1.4701 0.04490 251 165 54 32
330 Shortness of breath can be caused by many things. Let’s not jump to conclusions. 1.4701 0.04538 234 151 56 27
331 Good news. It's not your prostate. 1.4699 0.04299 266 173 61 32
332 Preliminary tests indicate it's a snake. 1.4699 0.04332 266 174 59 33
333 I’m prescribing an anti-hssstamine. 1.4699 0.04335 249 159 63 27
334 Trust me. This is the best remedy for constipation you’ve ever seen. 1.4699 0.04624 249 167 47 35
335 I checked with your COBRA plan and unfortunately they aren't going to cover it. 1.4696 0.04826 247 171 36 40
336 I'm afraid this will be out-of-pocket for you. Your insurance doesn't cover pre-existing constrictions. 1.4696 0.04679 230 151 50 29
337 So what seems to be bothering you? 1.4693 0.04750 228 151 47 30
338 Good. I see you have COBRA coverage. 1.4692 0.04440 260 172 54 34
339 Well, your labs all came back normal. So, I guess we’re back to square one. 1.4690 0.04364 258 168 59 31
340 And does Eve have a last name? 1.4690 0.04259 258 165 65 28
341 Actually, when I said a pet could help lower your blood pressure, I was thinking more of a dog or a cat. 1.4690 0.04398 258 169 57 32
342 Good thing you're covered by Cobra. 1.4689 0.04279 273 179 60 34
343 So, how can I help you today? 1.4688 0.04424 256 168 56 32
344 What seems to be the trouble today? 1.4686 0.04735 239 161 44 34
345 It works like any laxative, but faster. 1.4685 0.04676 222 144 52 26
346 The good news is that the cancer won't kill you. 1.4683 0.04333 252 162 62 28
347 Let me guess...your covered by COBRA. 1.4682 0.05048 220 151 35 34
348 Well, I don't know what to tell you. All your labs came back normal. 1.4681 0.04681 235 156 48 31
349 So, to recap. You were picking apples. A naked woman said: ‘want one?’ And that’s the last you remember. 1.4681 0.04275 235 146 68 21
350 Well, of course, that could be the source of your chest pain, but wouldn’t you feel better if we ran a few tests first? 1.4675 0.04821 231 156 42 33
351 Any changes since your last check up? 1.4669 0.04348 242 154 63 25
352 You had your Lap-Band surgery in Brazil? 1.4669 0.04234 257 164 66 27
353 The real problem is you have a frog in your throat. 1.4669 0.04291 272 179 59 34
354 You say you caught it on a plane? 1.4667 0.04293 240 151 66 23
355 A rattle could mean any number of things. 1.4664 0.04283 253 162 64 27
356 I never thought I'd say this, but I think a bottle of snake oil might do the trick. 1.4664 0.04532 253 169 50 34
357 I'm sorry, but your insurance does not cover pre-existing constrictions. 1.4664 0.04712 238 160 45 33
358 And Eve, how is she feeling today? 1.4664 0.04712 238 160 45 33
359 Do you need a minute to unwind? 1.4661 0.04666 236 157 48 31
360 I’m prescribing a muscle relaxant - good luck getting her to take it. 1.4659 0.04296 249 159 64 26
361 I'm sorry, Mr. Wilson, but this isn't covered by COBRA. 1.4658 0.04657 234 155 49 30
362 It says here you have a service animal? 1.4656 0.04313 262 171 60 31
363 What brought you in today? 1.4653 0.04385 245 158 60 27
364 Yes, there is something definitely going around. 1.4651 0.04150 258 163 70 25
365 I'm prescribing a muscle relaxant -- not for you, for your friend. 1.4646 0.04483 226 144 59 23
366 More testing, yes. But my gut says it's the giant reticulated python. 1.4643 0.04729 224 148 48 28
367 Just one more question...how did you get that shirt off? 1.4640 0.04804 222 148 45 29
368 Lucky for you your COBRA coverage has kicked in. 1.4638 0.04719 235 158 45 32
369 The most puzzling question, Sir, is how you took your shirt off!” 1.4638 0.04757 235 159 43 33
370 I'm sorry. It looks like your COBRA coverage expired 2 weeks ago. 1.4632 0.04580 231 151 53 27
371 You just need to unwind 1.4628 0.04385 242 156 60 26
372 So, you're insured through COBRA? 1.4627 0.04538 255 172 48 35
373 Let's try something to help you unwind. 1.4624 0.04196 266 172 65 29
374 I won't lie to you, Barry. Your snake has a mild cold. 1.4624 0.04128 266 170 69 27
375 I will prescribe a mongoose. If that doesn’t work, come back next week 1.4622 0.04277 238 150 66 22
376 No, I prescribed a VASOconstrictor. Guess the nurse is right. I do need to work on my handwriting. 1.4622 0.04380 251 164 58 29
377 Looks like you’ve caught something that’s been going around. 1.4621 0.04081 264 167 72 25
378 I’m not sure how to code this for the insurance. 1.4619 0.04344 236 150 63 23
379 Your medical insurance carrier has authorized me to unwind two loops. 1.4615 0.04433 247 162 56 29
380 Blame your HMO, it's the only gastric band they'll pay for. 1.4615 0.04454 234 151 58 25
381 Any other complaints? 1.4612 0.04440 232 149 59 24
382 Glad I could squeeze you in. 1.4609 0.04332 243 156 62 25
383 Yeah, there’s definitely something going around. 1.4609 0.04635 230 152 50 28
384 First time in Florida? 1.4606 0.04358 241 155 61 25
385 Well...your cholesterol is fine. 1.4605 0.04231 228 141 69 18
386 All the lab tests are coming back negative. Quite frankly, we’re baffled. 1.4604 0.04275 265 174 60 31
387 Here, this may help you unwind. 1.4596 0.04439 235 152 58 25
388 It's just something that's been going around. 1.4593 0.04215 246 156 67 23
389 It looks like a severe case of irritable boa syndrome. 1.4593 0.04482 246 163 53 30
390 These days we have many successful treatments for ereptile dysfunction. 1.4591 0.04476 257 173 50 34
391 I recommend a PET scan. 1.4590 0.04358 244 158 60 26
392 New York Fashion Week already? 1.4590 0.04358 244 158 60 26
393 I'll just need your signature in three places. 1.4589 0.04537 231 151 54 26
394 I could remove it but they usually come right back. 1.4587 0.04601 218 141 54 23
395 So, what brings you here today? 1.4587 0.04461 242 159 55 28
396 I'n prescribing a muscle relaxant for both of you. 1.4585 0.04244 253 163 64 26
397 It started with a frog in my throat. 1.4585 0.04530 253 171 48 34
398 We 'll have to run some expensive tests, but fortunately you're covered by Cobra. 1.4579 0.04937 214 145 40 29
399 Bad news: your insurance doesn't cover removing it. Good news: it qualifies as an Emotional Support Animal 1.4577 0.04266 260 170 61 29
400 Take two Aspirin and lie down on a flat rock in the sun. 1.4575 0.04123 247 155 71 21
401 You think you’re being squeezed now...wait til you see my bill. 1.4574 0.04569 223 145 54 24
402 Technically yes, it does make you look fat. 1.4564 0.04317 241 155 62 24
403 So who am I here to see today? 1.4563 0.04180 252 161 67 24
404 I'm giving you something to help you unwind. 1.4563 0.04365 252 166 57 29
405 You're lucky - I squeezed you in today. 1.4561 0.04495 228 148 56 24
406 And what brings you in today? 1.4561 0.04452 228 147 58 23
407 The good news is that your hiccups are gone. 1.4561 0.04261 239 152 65 22
408 And what brings you into the office today? 1.4560 0.04204 250 160 66 24
409 I am sorry but your Cobra coverage has expired. 1.4559 0.04389 261 175 53 33
410 Monty, is that your python? 1.4558 0.04694 226 151 47 28
411 Well, some more bad news. You also have a tape worm. 1.4557 0.04647 237 160 46 31
412 And what else did the internet say about curing your sore throat? 1.4557 0.04491 237 156 54 27
413 Let me prescribe something to help you unwind. 1.4556 0.04305 248 161 61 26
414 How about we try no snake, and see if that helps? 1.4556 0.04242 259 169 62 28
415 This is the new colonoscopy prep. Works fast and most people like that they don't have to drink the two gallons of liquid. 1.4556 0.04277 259 170 60 29
416 Stick out your tongue. No, not you... him. 1.4553 0.04559 235 156 51 28
417 Can you sit up without your support animal? 1.4553 0.04292 246 159 62 25
418 I regret to inform you...it's the E-boa virus. 1.4553 0.04337 257 170 57 30
419 Your test results came back fine, but I'm afraid the snake has bronchitis. 1.4553 0.04121 257 164 69 24
420 I’m sorry to have kept you waiting. Tell me what brings you here today? 1.4553 0.04337 257 170 57 30
421 ...and I would consider another service animal. 1.4549 0.04506 233 153 54 26
422 Tightening in the chest, hissing in the ears, any other symptoms Mr. Jones? 1.4545 0.04382 242 158 58 26
423 First tell me how you got here. 1.4545 0.04190 231 144 69 18
424 Good news. You're not having a heart attack. 1.4545 0.04576 231 153 51 27
425 and insurance ... okay, I see you're still covered by COBRA 1.4545 0.04343 242 157 60 25
426 For insurance purposes Iam just going to write tightness in chest. 1.4545 0.04458 253 170 51 32
427 The good news is we identified the problem. The bad news is he’s hungry. 1.4542 0.04448 240 158 55 27
428 You have a bad case of coilitis. 1.4541 0.04522 229 150 54 25
429 I'm sorry, it's an endangered species. 1.4539 0.04069 271 175 69 27
430 But it's more commonly known as Irritable Boa Syndrome. 1.4538 0.04366 249 164 57 28
431 I think you misunderstood when I suggested COBRA coverage! 1.4538 0.04512 249 168 49 32
432 Unfortunately, your new insurance won't pay for the scope, but Alice here knows her way around a colon. She'll be wearing a Go-Pro. 1.4538 0.04476 238 157 54 27
433 Hmm.. Bad news... you’re not covered for pre-existing constrictions...! 1.4537 0.04678 227 152 47 28
434 I'm prescribing an anti-compressant 1.4537 0.04678 227 152 47 28
435 Can't read this writing. Does it say it 'bowel constriction"...? 1.4537 0.04722 216 143 48 25
436 So - what seems to be the problem? 1.4535 0.04461 258 175 49 34
437 Other than attachment issues, he's in pretty good health. 1.4533 0.04449 225 145 58 22
438 No, there's little hope now. I'd recommend just getting the boots to match. 1.4531 0.04494 245 164 51 30
439 Any discomfort? 1.4531 0.04303 245 159 61 25
440 I guess we’ll have to skip the “take a deep breath” part 1.4529 0.04340 223 141 63 19
441 Yeah, this is probably the main drawback of the emotional-support snake. 1.4528 0.04371 265 179 52 34
442 Actually, I don't think your Cobra policy does cover this. 1.4524 0.04868 210 141 43 26
443 When did you become aware of the python, Monty? 1.4524 0.04400 252 168 54 30
444 Give it two hamsters and call me in the morning. 1.4520 0.04352 250 165 57 28
445 Here's something to help you unwind. 1.4517 0.04060 259 165 71 23
446 Yes, it's been going around. 1.4516 0.04424 217 138 60 19
447 It says here you have COBRA insurance? 1.4514 0.04300 257 170 58 29
448 I'm going to give you something for ereptile dysfunction. 1.4512 0.04731 246 172 37 37
449 I'd like to help but that's clearly a preexisting constriction. 1.4511 0.04517 235 156 52 27
450 So ‘Adam’ is it? 1.4508 0.04393 244 161 56 27
451 Give him one of these in the evening to help him unwind. 1.4508 0.04276 244 158 62 24
452 You can leave your snake on for this part of the exam. 1.4506 0.04166 253 163 66 24
453 I need you to take off your boa. 1.4505 0.04241 273 183 57 33
454 The results are in from the lab. It’s a python. 1.4504 0.04204 262 172 62 28
455 I'm sorry. Your COBRA plan doesn't over pythons. 1.4504 0.04374 262 177 52 33
456 The good news, it's not poisonous. 1.4502 0.04364 231 149 60 22
457 Sorry, but there's no cure for the common coiled. 1.4502 0.04533 231 153 52 26
458 He seems perfectly healthy 1.4500 0.04566 220 144 53 23
459 So, hissing sounds, tightness in the chest. Anything else? 1.4496 0.04434 238 157 55 26
460 As your vet, I'm going to prescribe a Valium to help you unwind, which should take care of that annoying human. 1.4492 0.04240 256 168 61 27
461 The good news is he says you're 120 over 80. 1.4490 0.04417 245 163 54 28
462 Good thing we were able to squeeze you in 1.4488 0.04478 254 173 48 33
463 Your eyes look good, so I'm taking you off the vasoconstrictor. 1.4488 0.04336 254 169 56 29
464 Take two live mice and call me in the morning. 1.4487 0.04191 263 173 62 28
465 So WebMD told you it was likely cancer? 1.4487 0.04191 263 173 62 28
466 Ice it three times a day until it hibernates. 1.4486 0.04659 214 141 50 23
467 Any difficulty swallowing? 1.4486 0.04327 243 159 59 25
468 Let's double the dosage on the muscle relaxer. Try giving it to the snake this time. 1.4486 0.04405 243 161 55 27
469 And you're saying the fruit was forbidden? By who exactly? 1.4481 0.04313 241 157 60 24
470 I think you just need to unwind. 1.4480 0.04424 250 168 52 30
471 When did you first notice a man in your coils? 1.4480 0.04387 250 167 54 29
472 You’re in luck...we accept Cobra. 1.4478 0.04711 230 157 43 30
473 As your veterinarian, I'm concerned that you've formed an unhealthy attachment to this man. 1.4478 0.04201 268 178 60 30
474 For a middle-aged snake your vitals look pretty good -- and I see your hunting skills are still up to par. 1.4477 0.04537 239 161 49 29
475 It might not be a panic attack after all. 1.4477 0.04003 277 180 70 27
476 I’ll order a coilonoscopy. 1.4474 0.04404 228 148 58 22
477 Any complaints since your last visit? 1.4473 0.04447 237 157 54 26
478 So, would you describe the pain as "dull," "aching," "shooting," or "crushing"? 1.4470 0.03967 264 168 74 22
479 Tell me again how you got your shirt off. 1.4467 0.04505 244 165 49 30
480 I highly recommend you set aside some time to unwind. 1.4463 0.04570 242 165 46 31
481 Well, the test results came back, and it turns out you have a large serpent wrapped around you. 1.4463 0.04178 242 155 66 21
482 I'm sorry, but this is considered a pre-existing condition. 1.4463 0.04570 242 165 46 31
483 You were better off when you were covered under COBRA. 1.4462 0.04552 251 173 44 34
484 Have you recently traveled outside of the United States? 1.4461 0.04221 269 180 58 31
485 When did you first start to feel contractions? 1.4459 0.04813 231 161 37 33
486 I think Alfred is fine, but I'm going prescribe him something for his separation anxiety. 1.4457 0.04142 276 184 61 31
487 Actually, I'd prescribed a vasoconstrictor. But your pressure has responded well. 1.4455 0.04848 211 143 42 26
488 Good news! I think we can save the snake. 1.4454 0.04392 238 157 56 25
489 This should get the two of you on the plane. 1.4454 0.04432 238 158 54 26
490 Any dryness, itching or shedding of skin? 1.4454 0.04185 238 152 66 20
491 Tell me again why you’re here. 1.4453 0.04302 265 179 54 32
492 It looks like you have a preexisting constriction. 1.4450 0.04730 218 147 45 26
493 I see the problem now, you can put your shirt back on. 1.4450 0.04640 218 145 49 24
494 I think it’s a pre-existing constriction. 1.4449 0.04797 227 157 39 31
495 You're fine, Bob, but your python has diarrhea. Good luck. 1.4449 0.04490 245 166 49 30
496 I think you need to unwind a bit. 1.4449 0.04049 263 170 69 24
497 I need you to remove the snake and put on that gown. 1.4449 0.04359 263 179 51 33
498 Is that the same one as last time? 1.4444 0.04124 243 155 68 20
499 Not to worry. I only use it for monitoring blood pressure, not for performing the actual colonoscopy. 1.4444 0.04592 243 167 44 32
500 Sorry, I'm a hematologist... I'm writing you a referral to the herpetologist. 1.4444 0.04285 243 159 60 24
501 I'm not sure COBRA will cover this. 1.4444 0.04369 270 186 48 36
502 He'll get hungry in about 6 weeks, but until then just don't piss him off. 1.4440 0.04166 268 178 61 29
503 I see you've met the drug rep. 1.4440 0.04530 250 172 45 33
504 Well it’s covered but only if your employer offers COBRA. 1.4440 0.04638 232 158 45 29
505 We find this gives a more accurate reading than the arm cuff. 1.4440 0.04718 232 160 41 31
506 Now which one of you two am I seeing today? 1.4436 0.04331 257 173 54 30
507 You're perfectly healthy. The snake just makes you look fat. 1.4435 0.04411 248 167 52 29
508 What brings you in to see me today? 1.4435 0.04299 248 164 58 26
509 You need to stop blaming Eve... 1.4435 0.04650 239 165 42 32
510 So, after trying alternative methods, you're ready to reconsider Western medicine? 1.4431 0.04356 255 172 53 30
511 Patients with your diagnosis have an average life expectancy of 45 minutes. 1.4431 0.04063 255 164 69 22
512 I'm glad we caught this early. 1.4426 0.04390 235 155 56 24
513 Next time, eat the apple. 1.4422 0.04335 251 168 55 28
514 I suggest you take some time to unwind. 1.4421 0.04492 242 164 49 29
515 The snake is in terrific shape. 1.4421 0.04297 242 159 59 24
516 We'll just need your signature here before we can begin treatment. 1.4421 0.04541 233 157 49 27
517 Results won’t be back for a few days, but from what I can tell, it’s a snake. 1.4419 0.04176 258 170 62 26
518 Were you dressed in something provacative? 1.4418 0.04506 249 171 46 32
519 You’ll find that a vasoconstrictor works much better. 1.4418 0.04434 249 169 50 30
520 It says here you're still covered by COBRA. 1.4418 0.04434 249 169 50 30
521 Two mice tonight, and call me in the morning. 1.4417 0.04363 240 159 56 25
522 It is ironic. Nevertheless, the condition is not covered while on COBRA insurance. 1.4416 0.04570 231 156 48 27
523 You’re fortunate we could squeeze you in today. 1.4414 0.04051 256 165 69 22
524 You can put your shirt on now. 1.4414 0.04482 256 177 45 34
525 You're lucky, my landlord won't even let me have a cat. 1.4412 0.04053 238 150 71 17
526 I still have to check your prostate. 1.4412 0.04587 238 163 45 30
527 So have you travelled outside the United States in the last 30 days? 1.4409 0.04260 254 169 58 27
528 Your snake's fine, Mr. Jones, but I suggest you see a physician immediately! 1.4409 0.04073 254 164 68 22
529 …and stay off planes. 1.4408 0.04179 245 159 64 22
530 Any recent lifestyle changes? 1.4407 0.04497 236 159 50 27
531 Your insurance says it looks like a pre-existing condition. 1.4405 0.04587 227 153 48 26
532 You say you think you picked this up on a plane? 1.4403 0.04162 243 157 65 21
533 Ok, so there's a few questions that I'll need to ask as you're a new patient. Do you smoke? 1.4402 0.04318 234 153 59 22
534 Feed it two good-sized rodents and call me in the morning. 1.4400 0.04309 250 167 56 27
535 It’s okay, choosing the right therapy animal takes time. 1.4400 0.04486 225 149 53 23
536 No, it's fine. A lot of my patients bring their comfort animals. 1.4400 0.04272 250 166 58 26
537 Well, the good news is that it isn't contagious. 1.4398 0.03869 266 169 77 20
538 You got something that's going around. 1.4398 0.04349 241 160 56 25
539 Here is a prescription for 25 mice. We'll see if that helps. 1.4395 0.04142 248 161 65 22
540 I'll give you something to help you unwind. 1.4394 0.04140 264 175 62 27
541 So what brings you into Urgent Care today? 1.4394 0.04035 264 172 68 24
542 Thanks to the Republicans this seems to be the one thing you actually have coverage for. 1.4393 0.04415 239 160 53 26
543 Could be the anaconda. Could be any number of things. Let's the what the lab results have to say. 1.4393 0.04533 239 163 47 29
544 You’ll never believe it, but last week I had a guy come in with a monkey on his back. 1.4393 0.04415 239 160 53 26
545 At the present time I'm less concerned about your flu symptoms than I am the whereabout of my resident assistant. 1.4393 0.04747 214 145 44 25
546 First, let me just say how impressed I am that you managed to change out of your clothes. 1.4392 0.04136 255 167 64 24
547 Would you describe the chest pain as sharp, dull or more of a constriction? 1.4390 0.04360 246 165 54 27
548 Perhaps you need a different kind of emotional support. 1.4390 0.04205 246 161 62 23
549 Any noticeable changes to your reptile dysfunction 1.4389 0.04435 262 182 45 35
550 Maybe we skip the colonoscopy today. 1.4389 0.04265 221 141 63 17
551 The nurse said remove everything, Mr. Chambers. 1.4388 0.04482 237 160 50 27
552 I'm sorry, but your COBRA policy does not cover large boa constriction. 1.4388 0.04639 237 164 42 31
553 I’m afraid you have the original preexisting condition. 1.4387 0.04308 253 170 55 28
554 Are you still with Eve? 1.4387 0.04308 253 170 55 28
555 Next of kin? 1.4386 0.04529 228 153 50 25
556 Shortness of breath is the most common side effect, but others experience constipation, skin irritation, and abject terror 1.4383 0.04707 235 164 39 32
557 We've found it works faster than laxatives. 1.4382 0.04406 251 171 50 30
558 Well, you're the third patient today with a mistaken Amazon delivery. 1.4382 0.04296 251 168 56 27
559 Well, the shortness of breath could be caused by any number of things. 1.4381 0.04514 226 151 51 24
560 I have a pretty good idea of what's going on but first I'm going to order a few tests. 1.4380 0.04295 242 160 58 24
561 She’s less accurate than the normal blood pressure machines, but she also helps with the mice. 1.4380 0.04413 242 163 52 27
562 I’m going to prescribe something to help you unwind. 1.4380 0.04566 242 167 44 31
563 The test results are back. We think it's a snake. 1.4380 0.04334 242 161 56 25
564 The good news is that we can rule out Lyme disease. 1.4380 0.04101 258 169 65 24
565 Oddly enough, COBRA does not cover cobra. 1.4378 0.04498 233 157 50 26
566 It’ll clear up with anti-hiss-tamines. 1.4378 0.04207 249 164 61 24
567 I’m prescribing a muscle relaxer. 1.4378 0.04168 249 163 63 23
568 So, have you been out of the country in the last six months? 1.4375 0.04440 240 162 51 27
569 Believe it or not, you're actually going to want to use snake oil for this. 1.4375 0.04514 256 179 42 35
570 I told you I accepted Cobra, not Boa. 1.4375 0.04479 240 163 49 28
571 I’ve seen this go a couple of ways ... 1.4370 0.03994 254 163 71 20
572 No, that's normal for boas. But if she still hasn't eaten anything by Monday, bring her back for another appointment. 1.4370 0.04184 254 168 61 25
573 I'm prescribing a muscle relaxer for your partner. 1.4370 0.04387 238 159 54 25
574 Ah, I see you brought your insurance company with you. 1.4370 0.04661 238 166 40 32
575 If there's nothing else I'll just go get my flute. 1.4369 0.04529 222 148 51 23
576 And when was you last boa movement? 1.4365 0.04463 252 174 46 32
577 Your emotional-support animal needs to come off too. 1.4363 0.04125 259 171 63 25
578 The tests were inconclusive. It's either a Burmese or Madagascar python. 1.4362 0.04160 243 158 64 21
579 Good news. It should fall off on its own in four to six days. 1.4361 0.04081 266 176 64 26
580 Look, I respect your persistence... but a snake coiled around your naked body is, again, not a good reason for me to prescribe medical marijuana. 1.4360 0.04194 250 165 61 24
581 And is Eve your ex-wife? 1.4358 0.04220 257 172 58 27
582 Do you have COBRA? 1.4356 0.04275 264 180 53 31
583 I thought you said BOWEL constriction. 1.4355 0.04370 248 168 52 28
584 I'm prescribing a strong mongoose. 1.4353 0.04342 232 153 57 22
585 Yes, Bob... definitely a case of Irritable Boa Syndrome. 1.4353 0.04244 255 171 57 27
586 And why did you come in today? 1.4350 0.04358 246 166 53 27
587 You're fine, but your snake is stressed out and needs to unwind. 1.4350 0.04042 246 158 69 19
588 Chest tightness, shortness of breath, feeling of impending doom...I think you’re having a panic attack. 1.4348 0.04342 253 172 52 29
589 How big was he when you got him? Where is your wife? 1.4348 0.04342 253 172 52 29
590 My apologies. It seems that 'topical anesthesia' was auto-corrected to 'tropical anaconda'... 1.4346 0.04324 260 178 51 31
591 You can get a second opinion if you want, but you really need to have that thing removed. 1.4344 0.04345 244 164 54 26
592 Has anything changed since last year's physical? 1.4342 0.04396 228 151 55 22
593 This is a more naturopathic approach for those with severe constipation. 1.4340 0.04627 235 163 42 30
594 Any other symptoms besides the tightness in your chest? 1.4340 0.04385 235 157 54 24
595 Frankly, I'm more concerned about your cholesterol​. 1.4340 0.04730 212 144 44 24
596 You really need to find time to unwind 1.4336 0.04424 226 150 54 22
597 In your case, paying out of pocket will be a challenge. 1.4335 0.04412 233 156 53 24
598 So, what brings you in to see us today? 1.4335 0.04252 263 179 54 30
599 Take two rodents and call me in the morning. 1.4332 0.04648 217 147 46 24
600 You have coilitis. 1.4331 0.04255 254 171 56 27
601 So no frog in the throat anymore 1.4329 0.04482 231 156 50 25
602 Lets start with the good news, your ankles look great 1.4328 0.04384 238 160 53 25
603 So tell me, Frank, how long have you been experiencing erreptile disfunction? 1.4328 0.04384 238 160 53 25
604 I'll prescribe an antiboatic. 1.4327 0.04483 245 169 46 30
605 I guess we can skip the gown. 1.4327 0.04253 245 163 58 24
606 You may have a large snake wrapped around you, but we'll need to run some tests. 1.4324 0.04570 222 150 48 24
607 Your labs came back negative, so you're free to go. 1.4323 0.04292 229 150 59 20
608 We bought our medical equipment from the wrong Amazon. 1.4323 0.04510 229 155 49 25
609 After I was fired, I elected to be covered by COBRA 1.4323 0.04758 229 161 37 31
610 My diagnosis is that you have 3-6 minutes to live. 1.4321 0.04033 243 156 69 18
611 As a veterinarian, the snake will be my first priority. 1.4320 0.04451 250 173 46 31
612 Your comfort snake is anxious. Try getting him a dog. 1.4319 0.04325 257 176 51 30
613 I'm prescribing a muscle relaxant for the Boa 1.4317 0.04496 227 153 50 24
614 You're not the first man to come in here with Ereptile Disfunction. 1.4315 0.04538 241 167 44 30
615 Any other symptoms beyond shortness of breath? 1.4310 0.04382 232 155 54 23
616 Unfortunately, COBRA doesn't cover Boas. 1.4309 0.04431 246 169 48 29
617 Yes, tightness in the chest is a symptom of a heart attack, but it could be something else entirely. 1.4304 0.04396 237 160 52 25
618 Unfortunately, your insurance company lists this as a pre-existing condition. 1.4303 0.04254 251 169 56 26
619 Well I'm glad we could squeeze you in. 1.4302 0.04089 265 177 62 26
620 Perhaps we might consider a more appropriate support animal for you. 1.4299 0.04539 221 149 49 23
621 Sigh* What ELSE did the internet say you should do? 1.4298 0.04289 242 162 56 24
622 Sorry, but your comfort animal will have to stay in the waiting room. 1.4297 0.04278 249 168 55 26
623 There are several causes of cold feet. It could be a circulation problem. 1.4297 0.04278 249 168 55 26
624 I see you're covered by Aetna and Petplan." 1.4297 0.04192 256 172 58 26
625 Any chest pain, tightness, or difficulty breathing? 1.4296 0.04135 270 183 58 29
626 It's just a little something to help you unwind. 1.4292 0.04285 226 148 59 19
627 You can put your clothes back on,Mr. Matthews. I think we've identified the problem. 1.4292 0.04285 226 148 59 19
628 For once, I don't think the problem is your anxiety. 1.4292 0.04285 226 148 59 19
629 You have what used to be called “the grippe”. 1.4291 0.04599 247 175 38 34
630 I don't see how medicinal marijuana is going to improve this specific situation.... 1.4291 0.04453 247 171 46 30
631 Yes Doctor I am still insured under Cobra 1.4291 0.04467 254 178 43 33
632 I'm also going to have to ask you to remove your boa. 1.4286 0.04328 245 166 53 26
633 I'm hearing a slight rattle. 1.4286 0.03933 273 180 69 24
634 I can't up your dose anymore. THIS IS our strongest emotional support pet. 1.4286 0.04300 238 159 56 23
635 It's as effective as gastric bypass, but less invasive. 1.4286 0.04351 231 154 55 22
636 And where is Eve? 1.4286 0.04540 238 165 44 29
637 This treatment has cured hiccups in 94.7% of those surviving the procedure. 1.4286 0.04192 259 175 57 27
638 Feed it two mice, and call me in the morning. 1.4286 0.04688 196 130 48 18
639 Voter suppression. Florida style. 1.4280 0.04188 271 186 54 31
640 Well.....you might want to consider a different therapy pet. 1.4280 0.04251 257 175 54 28
641 I'm going to give you something to help you unwind. 1.4280 0.04143 257 172 60 25
642 I'd say you have a snake wrapped around your body. That will be 1000 dollars. 1.4280 0.04354 243 165 52 26
643 Have you traveled to any foreign countries in the past month? 1.4280 0.04315 243 164 54 25
644 Have you traveled outside the country in the last 21 days? 1.4279 0.04523 222 150 49 23
645 I’m going to send you over to the zoo for a second opinion. 1.4276 0.03800 283 185 75 23
646 Not a serious problem - probably doesn’t know you from Adam 1.4275 0.04121 262 176 60 26
647 How would you describe your pain? With 1 being no pain, and 10 being crushed by a boa constrictor. 1.4275 0.04226 262 179 54 29
648 Any pets in the home? 1.4275 0.04085 262 175 62 25
649 Was there a woman and an apple involved? 1.4274 0.04380 241 164 51 26
650 It's a prescription for a mongoose. 1.4270 0.04167 267 182 56 29
651 Before I get to the diagnosis, I have to ask how you got undressed. 1.4268 0.04276 246 166 55 25
652 Have you recently traveled out of the country? 1.4268 0.04237 246 165 57 24
653 I'm sorry. Your COBRA insurance has expired. 1.4262 0.04530 244 171 42 31
654 No, I don't think it's just a panic attack. 1.4262 0.04059 244 159 66 19
655 I see you selected the COBRA option on your insurance plan. 1.4262 0.04417 244 168 48 28
656 Well, I think his tenure as an emotional support animal is pretty much over. 1.4262 0.04493 244 170 44 30
657 I guess "cough twice" is out of the question. 1.4262 0.04141 244 161 62 21
658 It's grown a lot since your last visit. 1.4262 0.04142 237 155 63 19
659 I can only say that your wife Eve told a different story. 1.4260 0.03957 277 185 66 26
660 This will help you unwind. 1.4259 0.04471 216 144 52 20
661 So, why have you come to see me today? 1.4259 0.04231 270 187 51 32
662 Well, he has malnutrition, but that should resolve itself soon. 1.4259 0.04518 216 145 50 21
663 And how frequent are the constrictions? 1.4258 0.04369 256 178 47 31
664 So, a tightening in your chest. Any other symptoms? 1.4257 0.04313 249 170 52 27
665 Meditation could help you both unwind. 1.4257 0.04042 249 163 66 20
666 I think I see what the problem is, but your insurance requires that I get a second opinion. 1.4255 0.04295 235 157 56 22
667 I’m sorry I couldn’t squeeze you in earlier. 1.4254 0.04345 228 152 55 21
668 I'm going to prescribe some Xanax for your friend. That should help her unwind. 1.4254 0.04256 228 150 59 19
669 I hear it’s going around. 1.4252 0.04500 214 143 51 20
670 Ah, type B, O, and A. 1.4251 0.04506 207 137 52 18
671 So, what do you do to unwind? 1.4251 0.04338 247 169 51 27
672 And...it might be a good idea for Eve to come in also. 1.4247 0.04656 219 151 43 25
673 Other than that you're pretty healthy. 1.4246 0.04085 252 167 63 22
674 And you said you hear hissing in which ear? 1.4246 0.04162 252 169 59 24
675 Did you eat the apple? 1.4245 0.04402 245 169 48 28
676 What can I do for you? 1.4244 0.04419 238 163 49 26
677 The good news is, there's nothing medically wrong with you. 1.4244 0.03985 271 181 65 25
678 Look, I'll do some tests but I'm pretty sure you've got a snake wrapped around your neck. 1.4241 0.04103 257 172 61 24
679 Unfortunately, it’s an endangered species and we will have to let your condition run it’s course. 1.4241 0.04445 224 151 51 22
680 You’re okay, but it sounds like he might have a frog in his throat. 1.4240 0.04108 250 166 62 22
681 First, tell me how you were able to remove your clothes! 1.4240 0.04502 217 146 50 21
682 And how do you feel about Eve now, Adam? 1.4240 0.04596 217 148 46 23
683 This should help you unwind. 1.4240 0.04549 217 147 48 22
684 The bad news is she'll probably swallow you whole. The good news is you'll be part of the marvelous cycle of life. 1.4239 0.03999 276 186 63 27
685 Don't tell me, you bought it on Amazon. 1.4239 0.04351 243 166 51 26
686 This is the only case where prescribing snake oil actually works. 1.4238 0.04708 210 144 43 23
687 I'm prescribing a flute and music lessons. 1.4237 0.04364 236 160 52 24
688 It's time for you to unwind. 1.4237 0.04405 236 161 50 25
689 I’m going to prescribe you adder-all 1.4236 0.04286 229 152 57 20
690 Does it rattle when you pee? 1.4234 0.04652 222 154 42 26
691 Yes, it’s clearly something that’s going around. 1.4233 0.04182 215 138 63 14
692 I’m sorry but it looks like your insurance plan covers boa constrictors, anacondas, and other members of the boa family, but what you have there is a reticulated python. 1.4232 0.04456 241 167 46 28
693 I can prescribe something for your high blood pressure, or, you can get rid of the snake. 1.4231 0.04105 260 175 60 25
694 You seem tense. Before we begin this examination, I want you to relax, unwind and tell me what's eating you. 1.4229 0.04149 253 170 59 24
695 I am referring you to a specialist, don’t worry, he’s a real charmer. 1.4229 0.04489 227 155 48 24
696 Looks like a serious case of full-monty python 1.4228 0.04500 246 173 42 31
697 I think we know what this is but I'll need to run a few more tests to be sure. 1.4226 0.04364 239 163 51 25
698 On your intake form you checked, "difficulty breathing;" Are you a smoker? 1.4226 0.04522 239 167 43 29
699 We don't accept your coverage. Don't you have a COBRA? 1.4226 0.04072 239 156 65 18
700 With your insurance, we can get a snake charmer in next Tuesday. 1.4226 0.04364 239 163 51 25
701 Unfortunately, your plan does not cover pre-existing constrictors. 1.4224 0.04376 232 157 52 23
702 I know you don't like taking medication but I'm going to give you something to help you unwind. 1.4223 0.04017 251 165 66 20
703 Any known allergy to mongooses, Mr. Jones? 1.4222 0.03925 270 179 68 23
704 Your insurance company says this is a preexisting condition. 1.4221 0.04070 263 177 61 25
705 I'm referring you to Dr. Mortenson. She's quite the charmer. 1.4218 0.04543 211 142 49 20
706 Here is a prescription for a big mongoose. 1.4217 0.04488 230 158 47 25
707 I know the feeling. I have student loans. 1.4217 0.04359 230 155 53 22
708 I’m going to write a prescription for a little something that will help you unwind. 1.4217 0.04227 230 152 59 19
709 The good news is the tightness in your chest has nothing to do with your heart. 1.4215 0.04203 242 162 58 22
710 I guess we can eliminate family history. 1.4213 0.04163 235 155 61 19
711 This is the one condition where snake oil really does work. 1.4213 0.04391 254 178 45 31
712 Do you know when the boa last ate? 1.4211 0.04220 247 167 56 24
713 There’s definitely something going around. 1.4204 0.04244 245 166 55 24
714 On the bright side, this delays your prostate exam. 1.4203 0.03964 276 186 64 26
715 I'm sorry, but we cannot not allow your emotional support animal to be with you during the colonoscopy. 1.4202 0.04352 257 180 46 31
716 I'll prescribe you an antiboatic. 1.4202 0.04375 238 163 50 25
717 We think our new Stress Test is far more affordable and accurate but yes, we’ve had complaints.” 1.4202 0.04375 238 163 50 25
718 Im gonna prescribe a muscle-relaxant. That'll straighten him out. 1.4199 0.04344 231 156 53 22
719 "Shortness of breath can be caused by many things. 1.4198 0.04229 243 164 56 23
720 Actually, you are fine...except for the snake. 1.4198 0.04309 243 166 52 25
721 Don't worry, it will shed in a few weeks. 1.4197 0.03882 274 182 69 23
722 Your insurance covers python prevention but not python removal. 1.4196 0.03892 255 166 71 18
723 If possible, I'd like the $20 co-pay now. 1.4195 0.04094 267 182 58 27
724 Of course you’re constipated... your asp is too tight... 1.4194 0.04396 248 173 46 29
725 And your health insurance is a ... Cobra plan? 1.4194 0.04506 248 176 40 32
726 So, do you want to live free or die? 1.4194 0.04729 217 152 39 26
727 The good news is, your scoliosis has cleared up. 1.4192 0.04102 260 176 59 25
728 A compression bandage would have worked just as well. 1.4192 0.04174 260 178 55 27
729 It’s nothing to be embarrassed about, John. A lot of men have problems with their snakes. 1.4192 0.04371 229 155 52 22
730 Your legs look healthy. 1.4187 0.04071 246 163 63 20
731 Your blood pressure is quite elevated Mr. Jones, so I'm writing you a prescription for that. I wouldn't worry about the snake, it seems quite healthy. 1.4187 0.04231 246 167 55 24
732 I don't care if it makes you calm. I'm not signing this airline form. 1.4187 0.04606 246 177 35 34
733 There is no good news. You have become his therapy animal. 1.4186 0.04124 258 175 58 25
734 I should've gone with the leeches. 1.4186 0.04480 215 145 50 20
735 The good thing about this condition is that it’s easily detectable. 1.4185 0.04217 227 150 59 18
736 Sorry you're not covered under COBRA. 1.4185 0.04657 227 160 39 28
737 Shortness of breath is quite common with your condition 1.4184 0.04279 239 162 54 23
738 So let me get this right. Your boyfriend said he had a fantasy of you showing up at his doorstep wearing nothing but a boa? 1.4184 0.04401 239 165 48 26
739 All your tests came back normal. 1.4182 0.03939 275 185 65 25
740 Anything else besides shortness of breath? 1.4181 0.04540 232 162 43 27
741 I'm afraid your H.R. Department doesn't quite understand the COBRA concept. 1.4180 0.04295 244 167 52 25
742 Will you need a note for work? 1.4180 0.03997 256 170 65 21
743 I'm prescribing a mongoose for your symptoms. 1.4179 0.04012 268 181 62 25
744 I'm sorry sir, but this procedure isn't covered by your COBRA plan. 1.4177 0.04345 249 173 48 28
745 First a monkey on your back and now this? 1.4176 0.04161 261 179 55 27
746 It's probably just pressure - you should go somewhere and unwind. 1.4174 0.04240 242 164 55 23
747 It's something that's going around. 1.4173 0.04095 254 171 60 23
748 Unfortunately, Mr. Haverford, that’s a python. Your healthcare provider only covers boas. 1.4171 0.04686 211 146 42 23
749 You don't have COBRA. 1.4170 0.04495 235 164 44 27
750 What’s the nature of your visit? 1.4170 0.04294 247 170 51 26
751 Let's see, trouble breathing, tightness in the chest. Is that all? 1.4170 0.04112 259 176 58 25
752 As your vet, I must say everything looks fine. 1.4170 0.04148 259 177 56 26
753 Shortness of breath. Tightness in the stomach. Anything else? 1.4167 0.04346 240 165 50 25
754 I say we just keep an eye on it and see if it gets any worse. 1.4167 0.04599 204 138 47 19
755 Your tests came back normal. It’s probably just anxiety. 1.4167 0.04055 264 179 60 25
756 Take two field mice and call me in the morning. 1.4167 0.04465 240 168 44 28
757 This should help you both unwind 1.4167 0.04040 252 168 63 21
758 Looks like I'm not the only one who squeezed you in today. 1.4167 0.04342 252 176 47 29
759 And finally, would you say you feel safe at home? 1.4163 0.04243 257 178 51 28
760 Unfortunately, that snake has you better covered than your health insurance. 1.4163 0.04399 233 160 49 24
761 Sounds like a panic attack, but let me take a look at you. 1.4163 0.04528 221 152 46 23
762 Definitely come see me if you notice it getting bigger. 1.4160 0.03931 262 174 67 21
763 I see your COBRA payments have kicked in. 1.4160 0.04476 250 178 40 32
764 I’m prescribing an anti strangulant. 1.4160 0.04035 238 156 65 17
765 So, what happened to Eve? 1.4160 0.04331 238 163 51 24
766 Chuck, what you've got is going around. 1.4157 0.04194 255 175 54 26
767 Taking patient's blood pressure is Larry's favorite part of the job. 1.4157 0.04339 255 179 46 30
768 I’ve seen bigger. 1.4156 0.04266 243 166 53 24
769 You've got what's going around 1.4156 0.04226 243 165 55 23
770 It’s going to be tricky to find you an in-network mongoose. 1.4156 0.04469 231 160 46 25
771 We think we know the problem, but we'll check you for Lyme disease just in case. 1.4156 0.04427 231 159 48 24
772 It says here that you've been under a lot of pressure lately... 1.4156 0.04427 231 159 48 24
773 Did't you also have a Poodle 1.4154 0.04135 272 189 53 30
774 One mouse a day at 4 P.M. 1.4154 0.03989 260 174 64 22
775 COBRA plans aren't what they used to be. 1.4154 0.04345 260 184 44 32
776 It seems the monkey on your back was eaten by something else. 1.4153 0.04125 248 167 59 22
777 The snake actually covers you better than your health insurance does. 1.4153 0.04357 236 162 50 24
778 I'm sorry it took so long for you to be seen, but for future reference "There's a boa around my neck" has multiple meanings. 1.4153 0.04357 236 162 50 24
779 And is that when you told Eve it was her fault? 1.4149 0.04564 241 172 38 31
780 We found no one liked the blood pressure cuff. 1.4148 0.04539 229 160 43 26
781 Let's see . . . non-smoker, no history of major illness, no surgeries . . . so, what brings you in today? 1.4147 0.04634 217 151 42 24
782 Maybe you're not as charming as you think. 1.4146 0.04227 246 168 54 24
783 Let's postpone your colonoscopy. 1.4144 0.04064 263 179 59 25
784 Instagram or Snapchat? 1.4143 0.04166 251 171 56 24
785 So I guess we should reschedule that colonoscopy? 1.4143 0.04166 251 171 56 24
786 I'm sorry, your insurance only covers bites, not constrictions. 1.4143 0.04700 210 146 41 23
787 So, you say it is more of a hiss rather than a ringing in your ears? 1.4142 0.04151 239 160 59 20
788 I'm writing you a prescription to unwind. 1.4141 0.04259 227 152 56 19
789 I still think gastric bypass was the better option... 1.4141 0.04439 227 156 48 23
790 I still don't quite get how it ate your pants. 1.4141 0.04107 256 174 58 24
791 Sorry, but you only get COBRA coverage if you've lost your job. 1.4141 0.04217 256 177 52 27
792 For starters, you've become too attached to your pet. 1.4140 0.04427 215 145 51 19
793 No sir, I don’t think it’s ringworm. 1.4139 0.04252 244 167 53 24
794 Anything else? 1.4139 0.03956 273 185 63 25
795 Current address still: Eden, Garden of? Emergency contact: Eve? 1.4138 0.04618 232 165 38 29
796 Any recent trips overseas? 1.4137 0.04151 249 169 57 23
797 I think you'll find that when we get this removed, a colonoscopy won't seem so bad. 1.4135 0.04301 237 162 52 23
798 Some airlines have tightened their rules lately, but this letter might help. 1.4134 0.04092 254 172 59 23
799 And you're Monty, I take it? 1.4134 0.04350 254 179 45 30
800 Take two mice and call me in the morning. 1.4131 0.04697 213 149 40 24
801 I'm afraid my recommendation will depend on which one of you has better insurance. 1.4130 0.04565 230 162 41 27
802 Let's not jump to any conclusions until we can run some tests. 1.4130 0.04014 247 164 64 19
803 Yes we can remove it. No it's not called a Hissterectomy. 1.4128 0.04285 235 160 53 22
804 Kick once for yes, two for no. 1.4128 0.04156 235 157 59 19
805 No, I'm sure you won't need another appointment. 1.4128 0.04285 235 160 53 22
806 We all agree. It's an Anaconda. Was there anything else? 1.4125 0.03904 257 170 68 19
807 A vet would've been a lot less expensive. 1.4125 0.04094 257 175 58 24
808 Ah, I see you’ve already met Dr. Boa. He’ll be preforming your colonoscopy today. 1.4123 0.04800 228 166 30 32
809 So what’s the reason for the visit? 1.4122 0.04077 245 164 61 20
810 Any family history of this sort of thing? 1.4122 0.04158 245 166 57 22
811 The good news is, it's not asthma. 1.4120 0.04438 233 162 46 25
812 You think you feel squeezed now, wait 'til you see my bill. 1.4120 0.04396 233 161 48 24
813 The good news is it’s temporary, the bad news is I’m talking to the snake. 1.4120 0.04268 233 158 54 21
814 Who sold you this COBRA plan? 1.4120 0.04438 233 162 46 25
815 So what seems to be the trouble? 1.4120 0.04214 250 172 53 25
816 For insurance purposes, I'm going to call this a major constriction. 1.4118 0.04203 238 161 56 21
817 Looks like this time he charmed the pants off of you. 1.4118 0.04746 221 158 35 28
818 Okay, lets try one blink for yes and twice for no! 1.4118 0.04449 238 167 44 27
819 Look, I’m a hepatologists, and your liver looks in really good shape. You need a herpetologist for that other thing. 1.4115 0.04096 260 178 57 25
820 So, we’ll skip the rectal exam today. 1.4113 0.03928 282 193 62 27
821 When's the last time either of you ate? 1.4113 0.04022 231 151 65 15
822 Well, your blood pressure is high, but that won’t matter much longer. 1.4113 0.04590 231 164 39 28
823 Otherwise, how was your trip to the Everglades? 1.4113 0.04205 231 155 57 19
824 Let me guess, it's after the frog in your throat. 1.4111 0.04215 253 175 52 26
825 Your relationship isn’t toxic, but it is suffocating. 1.4111 0.03985 253 169 64 20
826 The good news? The tightness in your chest has nothing to with your heart.” 1.4110 0.04142 236 158 59 19
827 Sorry...undress means removing your boa too... 1.4110 0.04228 236 160 55 21
828 Other than trouble taking a deep breath, no complaints? 1.4110 0.04269 219 146 56 17
829 To lower your blood pressure, I’m prescribing a live goat. 1.4109 0.03967 275 188 61 26
830 It’s not terminal. For the snake. 1.4108 0.04165 241 163 57 21
831 That's not what I meant when I said you should have COBRA coverage." Joan Black, Easton Connecticu 1.4107 0.04823 224 163 30 31
832 The good news is, you don't have worms. 1.4107 0.04434 224 154 48 22
833 And is it causing you any discomfort? 1.4106 0.03916 263 176 66 21
834 Well, all our tests are negative. But tell me again why you brought this man with you? 1.4106 0.04302 246 171 49 26
835 So Adam, What seems to be the problem? 1.4106 0.04340 246 172 47 27
836 I've seen dozens of patients come in with monkeys on their backs, but this is a first. 1.4106 0.04064 246 165 61 20
837 So he's having trouble swallowing? 1.4105 0.04364 229 157 50 22
838 You need to find a different support animal. 1.4104 0.04041 268 184 58 26
839 So, for your first drag queen appearance, when they said, “Wear a boa” they meant a feathery, long scarf. 1.4104 0.04276 251 175 49 27
840 I'm sorry to tell you, Mr. Johnson, but we can't do anything for you without a referral from your vet. 1.4104 0.04007 251 168 63 20
841 That reminds me, Mr. Johnson, you're due for a colonoscopy. 1.4104 0.04239 251 174 51 26
842 Have you been under a lot of pressure lately? 1.4104 0.04276 251 175 49 27
843 You may experience some loss of bladder control. 1.4104 0.04201 251 173 53 25
844 And the prescription for Xanax will help you unwind. 1.4103 0.04380 234 162 48 24
845 I’m going to write a prescription for Viagra which should straighten this whole thing out. 1.4102 0.04322 256 181 45 30
846 We could play the good news / bad news game, but you really don't have a lot of time for that. 1.4101 0.04296 217 145 55 17
847 Your chest feels tight? Well, that could be a lot of things. 1.4100 0.04189 239 162 56 21
848 Sorry for the wait... I’m having trouble finding the right medical billing code. 1.4097 0.04163 227 151 59 17
849 Tightness in the chest. Anything else? 1.4097 0.04435 227 157 47 23
850 We received the test results and I think I finally know what the problem is 1.4095 0.04447 210 142 50 18
851 I am sorry but there just isn't anything we can do for the common coiled. 1.4095 0.04365 232 160 49 23
852 It says here you’ve been under a lot of pressure lately. 1.4095 0.04235 232 157 55 20
853 The problem is that seems to be a python and, the thing of it is, we only accept COBRA. 1.4093 0.04567 215 149 44 22
854 This does seem to be going around. 1.4093 0.04298 237 163 51 23
855 Sorry but your insurance doesn't cover pre-constricted conditions 1.4093 0.04069 259 177 58 24
856 No, I will not certify him as an emotional support snake" 1.4091 0.04254 220 147 56 17
857 Any tightening in the chest? 1.4091 0.04353 242 169 47 26
858 Let's start with why you don't have any clothes on. 1.4089 0.04249 247 171 51 25
859 Prunes will do the job and are less restrictive. 1.4089 0.04091 247 167 59 21
860 You just left your job. I guess it's safe to assume you have COBRA coverage. 1.4089 0.04438 247 176 41 30
861 I am going to give you something to unwind. 1.4089 0.04210 247 170 53 24
862 So how is COBRA working out for you? 1.4089 0.04249 247 171 51 25
863 Ah, I see you are being prepped for your colonoscopy. 1.4088 0.03873 274 185 66 23
864 Take two a day for you reptile disfunction. 1.4087 0.04225 252 175 51 26
865 I’m prescribing Valium for you and cyanide for your friend. Be careful not to mix them up. 1.4087 0.04187 252 174 53 25
866 Trust me he's not covered under your COBRA plan. 1.4085 0.04281 235 161 52 22
867 I see you have been spending time in the White House..... 1.4085 0.04608 235 169 36 30
868 The X-rays show you have a human stuck in your coils. 1.4085 0.03906 284 195 62 27
869 If I were you, Mr. Morris, I'd choose a different emotional support animal. 1.4083 0.04217 240 164 54 22
870 We need to do a hisssterectomy. 1.4083 0.04298 240 166 50 24
871 Yes, a lot of it's going around. 1.4083 0.04520 218 151 45 22
872 Take these twice a day with food. Also, you may want to do something about the snake. 1.4082 0.04114 245 166 58 21
873 You might have picked something up while visiting Brazil. 1.4082 0.03990 245 163 64 18
874 You've certainly gone to great lengths to avoid your prostate exam. 1.4081 0.04624 223 158 39 26
875 There’s no magic pill. You just need to unwind. 1.4081 0.04354 223 152 51 20
876 So, Adam, I'm guessing you ate the apple. 1.4080 0.04056 250 169 60 21
877 You also have chlamydia. 1.4080 0.04398 250 178 42 30
878 Can you still see this "snake"? 1.4078 0.04188 255 177 52 26
879 So this happened right after she handed you the apple? 1.4077 0.04350 233 161 49 23
880 I'm going to have to ask you to turn your cellphone off. 1.4077 0.04516 233 165 41 27
881 We’ll know more after your tests come back, 1.4077 0.04019 260 177 60 23
882 So I'm going to put down 'emotional support animal'. 1.4076 0.04157 238 161 57 20
883 Lab test results say it's a snake. 1.4076 0.04365 238 166 47 25
884 You've got a snake, I'm left-handed; we all have our problems. 1.4074 0.04219 243 167 53 23
885 I'm afraid our options are somewhat constricted. 1.4074 0.04137 243 165 57 21
886 Other than that, how was the trip to the Amazon? 1.4074 0.04178 243 166 55 22
887 Let's go with "Shortness of breath, other." 1.4074 0.04338 243 170 47 26
888 I should probably skip asking you to take a deep breath. 1.4071 0.04174 253 175 53 25
889 You should have gone with the non-binding agreement. 1.4070 0.04223 258 181 49 28
890 It's a Catch-22. I can't treat you until you sign a waiver. 1.4069 0.04376 231 160 48 23
891 Give it three mice every four hours and call me in the morning. 1.4069 0.04156 231 155 58 18
892 Yes, that's probably a python, but I'd like to do CAT scan and a few other expensive tests to be sure. 1.4068 0.03986 263 179 61 23
893 Any tightness in your chest? 1.4065 0.04484 214 147 47 20
894 First, the good news. Your chest pain isn't a heart attack. 1.4065 0.04019 246 165 62 19
895 So you’re still using your Cobra insurance? 1.4064 0.04861 219 160 29 30
896 Let's try a different comfort animal " 1.4064 0.04082 251 171 58 22
897 Which one of you am I seeing first? 1.4064 0.03784 283 191 69 23
898 And have you travelled to any tropical countries in the past 30 days? 1.4062 0.03909 256 171 66 19
899 If it gets any bigger, let us know. 1.4061 0.03970 261 177 62 22
900 I'm a little concerned about your blood pressure. 1.4061 0.04134 229 153 59 17
901 In this case, snake oil is exactly what you need. 1.4060 0.04377 234 163 47 24
902 I’d still like to run a few tests to be sure. 1.4059 0.04185 239 163 55 21
903 You’re fine, but the snake has a hernia. 1.4057 0.04124 244 166 57 21
904 As you make payments towards my bill, we will replace him with progressively smaller snakes. 1.4056 0.04183 249 172 53 24
905 This isn't quite doing it. I'm going to try you on Anaconda for a month. 1.4054 0.04366 222 152 50 20
906 So, what’s been eating you? 1.4053 0.04220 264 187 47 30
907 I'm only a student but chest pressure, shortness of breath, anxiety sounds like a panic attack to me. 1.4053 0.04603 227 162 38 27
908 So,what’s the problem. 1.4053 0.04297 227 155 52 20
909 You said you were ok with a generic vasoconstrictor. 1.4051 0.04417 237 167 44 26
910 OK, but no discomfort in the lower legs, is that right? 1.4051 0.04210 237 162 54 21
911 Besides that, how are you feeling in general? 1.4051 0.04210 237 162 54 21
912 Is anything else bothering you ? 1.4050 0.04147 242 165 56 21
913 Unfortunately, an anti-hiss-tamine won’t help this time around. 1.4050 0.04270 242 168 50 24
914 The snake is overweight, but everything else is normal. 1.4049 0.04412 205 138 51 16
915 This will work like a charmer. 1.4049 0.04167 247 170 54 23
916 So Howard, what brings you in today? 1.4048 0.04221 252 176 50 26
917 Any other pressing problems? 1.4048 0.04107 252 173 56 23
918 I'll write an Emotional Support letter,but I don't think they'll let you board. 1.4047 0.04012 257 175 60 22
919 I recommend a coilonoscopy. 1.4046 0.03883 262 176 66 20
920 On a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate the pressure? 1.4045 0.04624 220 156 39 25
921 I’m afraid your insurance only covers animal bites. Let’s just wait a while and see what happens. 1.4045 0.04012 267 184 58 25
922 Mrs. Davis, do you mind if I speak to your husband alone for a few minutes? 1.4044 0.04369 225 155 49 21
923 What can I do for you today, Mr. Jones? 1.4043 0.04388 230 160 47 23
924 I’m prescribing some snake oil to loosen that up. 1.4043 0.04211 230 156 55 19
925 And finally Adam, do you feel safe at home? 1.4043 0.04525 235 168 39 28
926 You'll need to remove the snake,too. 1.4042 0.04335 240 168 47 25
927 Any pre-constricting conditions? 1.4042 0.04213 240 165 53 22
928 Have you traveled outside the United States in the last six months? 1.4041 0.04110 245 167 57 21
929 Have you travelled outside the US recently? 1.4041 0.04110 245 167 57 21
930 I'm prescribing a new pet. 1.4041 0.04110 245 167 57 21
931 Feed him two rats and try to call me in the morning. 1.4041 0.04270 245 171 49 25
932 You wouldn’t believe the day I’m having. 1.4040 0.04091 250 171 57 22
933 So you'd just bitten into the apple? 1.4040 0.03972 250 168 63 19
934 Anything more specific than 'shortness of breath'? 1.4040 0.04169 250 173 53 24
935 So, what seems to be the matter? 1.4039 0.04496 203 138 48 17
936 Oh,him? He's just here to check your prostate. 1.4039 0.04257 255 180 47 28
937 Rate your constriction on a scale of 1 to 10. 1.4039 0.04365 255 183 41 31
938 I’m hoping this muscle relaxer will do the trick. 1.4039 0.03957 255 172 63 20
939 Good news! I found a herpetologist in your provider network. 1.4038 0.03865 260 174 67 19
940 So, shortness of breath, difficulty sleeping and range of motion restrictions in the arms and shoulders; we'll need to run some tests. 1.4038 0.04782 213 153 34 26
941 I believe a dog would be a better comfort animal. 1.4036 0.03961 275 190 59 26
942 Any tightness in the chest? 1.4036 0.04442 223 155 46 22
943 If the snake doesn’t spark joy, I suggest getting rid of it. 1.4036 0.03942 280 194 59 27
944 Unfortunately our herpetologists are all out of network. 1.4034 0.04320 238 166 48 24
945 Other than that, would you rate your overall health as excellent, good, or fair? 1.4033 0.04008 243 163 62 18
946 Again?" 1.4032 0.04270 248 174 48 26
947 Shortness of breath? Any other symptoms I should know about? 1.4031 0.04074 258 178 56 24
948 So, how's Eve? 1.4030 0.03982 263 180 60 23
949 You’re lucky I could squeeze you in. 1.4026 0.04499 231 164 41 26
950 It’s funny, but this us not covered by your COBRA insurance! 1.4025 0.04387 236 166 45 25
951 Certainly, the snake is one possible explanation​ for your shortness of breath. However, I make a lot more money if we run a series of unnecessary tests. 1.4025 0.04400 241 171 43 27
952 It's a tropical thing that's going around. 1.4024 0.03932 246 164 65 17
953 How can I examine this snake with you in there? 1.4024 0.04295 246 173 47 26
954 Your insurance only covers snakes under ten feet long. 1.4024 0.04137 246 169 55 22
955 Any other symptoms? 1.4024 0.03999 251 170 61 20
956 The good news is that it's not a tapeworm. 1.4024 0.04039 251 171 59 21
957 Do you have cobra insurance? 1.4024 0.04306 251 178 45 28
958 You’re lucky I went to medical school in the Caribbean. 1.4024 0.04039 251 171 59 21
959 You gotta unwind. 1.4018 0.04334 224 154 50 20
960 Unfortunately Mr. Monty, your health plan doesn’t cover Ereptile Dysfunction! 1.4017 0.04386 239 169 44 26
961 So what seems to be the matter here? 1.4017 0.04346 239 168 46 25
962 I see you still have your COBRA benefits, everything else the same? 1.4016 0.04320 244 172 46 26
963 Have you traveled out of the country in the last three weeks? 1.4016 0.04201 244 169 52 23
964 By 'pre-existing,' I mean you had it before you got here. 1.4016 0.04268 254 180 46 28
965 I see that you marked “Yes” on “Shortness of Breath”. 1.4015 0.04006 264 182 58 24
966 This requires an injection. Would you like it in your arm or your asp? 1.4009 0.04668 217 155 37 25
967 This perscription will help you unwind. 1.4009 0.04201 227 154 55 18
968 When I said a restricted diet, I meant a calorie-restricted diet. 1.4009 0.04046 232 155 61 16
969 It's the high blood pressure that worries me 1.4008 0.04184 242 167 53 22
970 Okay, trouble breathing. Any other symptoms? 1.4008 0.04163 247 171 53 23
971 Any family history of anacondas, boa constrictors or reticulated pythons? 1.4008 0.04065 252 173 57 22
972 Last question. Have you been to any exotic locations during the past three months? 1.4000 0.04167 240 165 54 21
973 Your cobra plan should take about 6 weeks to kick in. 1.4000 0.04065 265 185 54 26
974 Maybe you should consider a different emotional support animal . 1.4000 0.04131 225 151 58 16
975 Unfortunately, Animal Control is an out-of-network provider. 1.4000 0.04217 255 180 48 27
976 This is not what we meant by `support animal’ 1.4000 0.04845 195 138 36 21
977 So, any unusual symptoms? 1.4000 0.04024 245 166 60 19
978 I'm just going to have to disagree with WebMD on this one. It isn't cancer. 1.4000 0.04106 255 177 54 24
979 Sir, it seems you've contracted e-boa 1.4000 0.04586 225 161 38 26
980 We think the reason for your difficult breathing is the snake, but to be sure, we’d like to run some tests.. 1.4000 0.03976 270 187 58 25
981 Have you traveled outside the country in the past few weeks? 1.4000 0.03992 255 174 60 21
982 Next time try a turtle neck 1.3992 0.03905 263 179 63 21
983 A little snake oil should do the trick. 1.3992 0.03905 263 179 63 21
984 As a last resort we could try to remove it. 1.3992 0.04034 258 178 57 23
985 I'm going to start off by prescribing you some mice. 1.3992 0.03920 258 175 63 20
986 I’m not going to ask what happened this time. 1.3992 0.04167 253 177 51 25
987 In my professional opinion, a weighted blanket would be just as effective and have fewer side effects. 1.3992 0.04129 253 176 53 24
988 The good news is your snake is going to be OK. 1.3992 0.04129 243 167 55 21
989 Not a wise choice for a halloween contest, was it? 1.3992 0.04275 238 166 49 23
990 This isn't covered by your insurance. Come back if it bites. 1.3992 0.04275 238 166 49 23
991 I know your in a tight spot right now, but if you could sign these forms it'd be great. 1.3992 0.04233 238 165 51 22
992 Bill, I'm afraid this'll be a little trickier than the mole on you back last year. 1.3991 0.04167 233 159 55 19
993 All I can say is that must have been some bachelor party. 1.3991 0.04232 228 156 53 19
994 It's time to reassess: is this particular emotional support animal giving you more than it takes out of you? 1.3991 0.04483 223 157 43 23
995 Present this note at the gate and you shouldn't have any issues flying with your emotional support animal. 1.3991 0.04417 218 151 47 20
996 Have you traveled outside the United States within the last 6 months? 1.3984 0.04204 256 181 48 27
997 Well, let's start with this. Have you been out of the country recently? 1.3984 0.03979 256 175 60 21
998 I say there's nothing wrong here, but I'm just your vet. 1.3984 0.04190 251 176 50 25
999 OK, weight gain, tightness in the chest...any other symptoms" 1.3984 0.03927 246 165 64 17
1000 How was your vacation? 1.3984 0.04052 246 168 58 20
1001 We'll need to get some bloodwork done just to be sure. 1.3984 0.04173 246 171 52 23
1002 On a scale of hug to asphyxiation, how would you describe this tightness in your chest? 1.3984 0.04052 246 168 58 20
1003 No,she seems pretty healthy, but you were wise to bring her in regardless. 1.3984 0.04093 246 169 56 21
1004 Any shortness of breath? 1.3983 0.04194 241 167 52 22
1005 Sorry, but the insurance will not approve the operation without your signature. 1.3983 0.04584 236 172 34 30
1006 What exactly is the problem? 1.3983 0.04453 231 164 42 25
1007 Of course an MRI will be more conclusive. 1.3983 0.04237 231 159 52 20
1008 The good news is, it’s not a tumor” 1.3982 0.04131 221 148 58 15
1009 And would you say this tightness in your chest started before or after you came home from safari?' 1.3982 0.04557 221 157 40 24
1010 Any trouble eating, sleeping, peeing, bowel movements, or sex? 1.3981 0.04541 216 152 42 22
1011 That was quite a trick, getting your shirt off. 1.3981 0.04493 216 151 44 21
1012 Compression sock... Is my handwriting that bad? 1.3977 0.03984 259 178 59 22
1013 Have you traveled outside the country within the last two weeks? 1.3976 0.03961 254 173 61 20
1014 It's really up to you Mr. Smith. Is this something you can live with or do you want to see a specialist? 1.3976 0.04077 254 176 55 23
1015 We found an anomaly in your x-ray. You have 832 extra ribs and vertebrae. 1.3976 0.04057 249 171 57 21
1016 No, the Xanax is to help the snake to relax, not you. 1.3976 0.04017 249 170 59 20
1017 On the plus side, it's the only thing holding you together. 1.3975 0.04237 244 171 49 24
1018 Unfortunately you’re only covered if it actually bites you. 1.3975 0.04116 244 168 55 21
1019 Now, which of you is the patient? 1.3975 0.04033 244 166 59 19
1020 Well, the good news is I can explain the breathing problems and sudden weight gain... 1.3975 0.04092 239 163 57 19
1021 Unfortunately, it's feed a boa and starve a fever, not the other way around." 1.3975 0.04219 239 166 51 22
1022 I'll write you a prescription for a flute. 1.3975 0.04342 239 169 45 25
1023 I think we'll give him something to help him relax a bit. 1.3975 0.04260 239 167 49 23
1024 Good news - it looks like he's benign. 1.3975 0.04049 239 162 59 18
1025 Other than shortness of breath, have you experienced any other symptoms? 1.3975 0.04092 239 163 57 19
1026 No I am a veterinarian and we are trying to figure out how to have you removed. 1.3974 0.04451 234 167 41 26
1027 So, when did the contractions start? 1.3974 0.04395 229 161 45 23
1028 It's a textbook emboalism. 1.3974 0.04262 229 158 51 20
1029 Well, the good news is that it isn’t cancer... 1.3973 0.04511 224 159 41 24
1030 So the feeling just kind of crept up on you? 1.3973 0.04189 224 152 55 17
1031 So, my bad, I probably should have explained the side effects of the new treatment. 1.3973 0.04330 224 155 49 20
1032 It’s an intestinanal disorder. The good news is that it’s not yours. 1.3973 0.04632 219 157 37 25
1033 Any changes since your last visit? 1.3973 0.04448 219 153 45 21
1034 I can remove it, but I hate to tell you boa constrictors are not covered under your current COBRA insurance plan. 1.3972 0.04523 214 150 43 21
1035 I'm putting you on a boa blocker. 1.3972 0.03884 282 196 60 26
1036 No, in fact, some snake oil is exactly what you need. 1.3968 0.04120 247 171 54 22
1037 Yeah, this isn't covered. 1.3968 0.04079 247 170 56 21
1038 Well, technically, it is a pre-existing condition... 1.3968 0.03998 247 168 60 19
1039 Any change since the last check-up? 1.3968 0.04120 247 171 54 22
1040 Take two rats and a bunny and call me in the morning. 1.3967 0.04262 242 170 48 24
1041 Take two rats, call me in the morning. 1.3967 0.04097 242 166 56 20
1042 How did you get your shirt off? 1.3967 0.04302 242 171 46 25
1043 It seems to me that you're under a lot of pressure. 1.3967 0.04180 242 168 52 22
1044 Tightening of the chest, shortness of breath...I know you are being attacked by a snake, but the insurance company says you are having a heart attack so that is what I have to treat you for. 1.3966 0.04395 232 164 44 24
1045 I'll write you a prescription for an antiboatic. 1.3965 0.04422 227 160 44 23
1046 This antidepressant should help him unwind. 1.3964 0.04310 222 153 50 19
1047 I know our website says that we accept COBRA coverage, but this isn't what we meant. 1.3963 0.04380 217 150 48 19
1048 Point to where it hurts. 1.3963 0.03902 270 186 61 23
1049 Unfortunately veterinarians are out of network for you 1.3962 0.03990 265 184 57 24
1050 This time I'm writing you a prescription for a service dog. 1.3962 0.04225 260 186 45 29
1051 It’s a traditional Chinese folk remedy for treating constipation. 1.3961 0.04140 255 179 51 25
1052 Seems you tried to see a doctor outside your network. 1.3960 0.04161 250 175 51 24
1053 Ah, yet another case of an Amazon order gone awry. 1.3960 0.04123 250 174 53 23
1054 The x-ray is showing a multitude of broken bones but honestly I’d take the fact that he hasn’t eaten yet you as a win. 1.3957 0.04095 235 160 57 18
1055 Are you under a lot of pressure? 1.3956 0.04314 225 156 49 20
1056 I’m going to prescribe you some antihisstamines. 1.3955 0.04478 220 155 43 22
1057 There's been a lot of this going around and around. 1.3955 0.04431 220 154 45 21
1058 I thought when you called you said you had ebola. 1.3954 0.03788 263 177 68 18
1059 I'm putting you on a boa constricted diet. 1.3954 0.03864 263 179 64 20
1060 I'm afraid your boa is constricted. 1.3953 0.04009 253 174 58 21
1061 I'll prescribe a relaxant to help you unwind. 1.3953 0.04087 253 176 54 23
1062 This muscle relaxant prescription is for the snake not you. 1.3951 0.04207 243 170 50 23
1063 110 over 70... that's really good. 1.3951 0.04125 243 168 54 21
1064 I am sure the nurse did mention, you can't bring your support animal to your colonoscopy 1.3950 0.04473 238 172 38 28
1065 In the future I suggest you avoid apples, gardens and naked women. 1.3947 0.04317 228 159 48 21
1066 I see you've met our colonoscopist. 1.3947 0.04317 228 159 48 21
1067 I’d say its a Boa but it could be an Anaconda. Would you like a second opinion? 1.3946 0.04387 223 156 46 21
1068 yup...typical case of Ereptile Dysfunction 1.3946 0.04387 223 156 46 21
1069 Let's see, crushing chest pain, Right? 1.3946 0.04294 223 154 50 19
1070 Sorry but i can’t find a billing code for this... 1.3945 0.04089 256 179 53 24
1071 Now tell me, what seems to be the problem? 1.3945 0.04599 218 156 38 24
1072 So your first name is Monty? 1.3944 0.04186 251 177 49 25
1073 Look, you keep telling me about the snake but let’s take a moment to talk about your high cholesterol. 1.3942 0.04272 241 170 47 24
1074 Before the procedure, which way ya leaning, purses, belts, shoes or steaks? 1.3942 0.04272 241 170 47 24
1075 Rex is fine physically, but he seems to have some separation issues. 1.3939 0.04187 231 159 53 19
1076 I think he has a crush on you. 1.3939 0.04232 231 160 51 20
1077 Just give this letter to the airline and you should have no problem traveling with Simon. 1.3939 0.04142 231 158 55 18
1078 We won’t know for sure until we run some tests. 1.3938 0.04298 226 157 49 20
1079 Once I uncoil it, you should find it easier to walk, sleep, shower, and definitely to make new friends. 1.3937 0.04035 254 176 56 22
1080 Actually, I'm a vet--so you're not the patient here." 1.3937 0.04642 221 160 35 26
1081 Three to five medium-sized rodents a day for Monty, Don't miss a feeding, you should be fine. 1.3936 0.03931 249 169 62 18
1082 Good news! It's definitely not your heart. 1.3934 0.04070 244 168 56 20
1083 Okay, I'll certify Chester as a comfort animal. But I still don't think they will allow a snake on a plane. 1.3934 0.04312 244 174 44 26
1084 Tight chest and difficulty breathing... Could be asthma... 1.3933 0.04297 239 169 46 24
1085 Take 2 aspirin and coil me in the morning. Just kidding! 1.3933 0.04256 239 168 48 23
1086 The xrays revealed that you have a snake wrapped around you. 1.3933 0.04338 239 170 44 25
1087 Yes...I can see that...we just want to run some tests first to rule out any other potential causes of your discomfort. 1.3932 0.04192 234 162 52 20
1088 Twenty minutes every day at bedtime. But don't sleep with it on. 1.3932 0.04059 234 159 58 17
1089 Any chest pains, difficulty breathing or shortness of breath? 1.3931 0.04020 262 183 55 24
1090 A constriction? Can you be more specific? 1.3930 0.04346 229 161 46 22
1091 Here's a prescription for four rats a day, plus two refills. 1.3930 0.04113 257 181 51 25
1092 You think you’re being squeezed, let me tell you about malpractice insurance. 1.3929 0.03938 252 172 61 19
1093 Feed it two rabbits and call me in the morning. 1.3927 0.04311 247 177 43 27
1094 So, shortness of breath, tightness in the chest and you're generally feeling constricted. 1.3927 0.04200 219 149 54 16
1095 I'll prescribe something easy to swallow. 1.3926 0.03934 270 188 58 24
1096 And have you been under any extra pressure lately? 1.3926 0.04093 242 167 55 20
1097 Go get two Mongooses and call me in the morning. 1.3926 0.04176 242 169 51 22
1098 Two more weeks of this and we’ll hit your goal weight. 1.3924 0.04023 237 161 59 17
1099 Before I jump to conclusions, let's run a few expensive diagnostics. 1.3924 0.04485 237 172 37 28
1100 So...I don't think it's anything internal. 1.3924 0.04154 237 164 53 20
1101 I suggest you unwind a bit, Mr. Smithers. 1.3924 0.04111 237 163 55 19
1102 You should've come in at "Oh, Gee! It's up to my knee." "Oh, fiddle! It's up to my middle" is much harder to treat. 1.3921 0.04237 227 157 51 19
1103 Okay, Adam, one more time. So you ate an apple and what happened? 1.3921 0.04417 227 161 43 23
1104 Take off the snake and the doctor will be right in. 1.3921 0.04237 227 157 51 19
1105 If it's an adult anaconda it may be considered a pre-existing condition. 1.3920 0.04040 250 173 56 21
1106 So, tell me what's eating you today. 1.3920 0.04079 250 174 54 22
1107 I wouldn't worry about it, it seems to be going around. 1.3920 0.04157 250 176 50 24
1108 Nice boa! Now what brings you in? 1.3919 0.04304 222 154 49 19
1109 ...And last week it was from the jaws of a lion. Tell me, has the Great Zordini ever considered a change of career? 1.3918 0.04219 245 173 48 24
1110 The good news is, your prostate is fine. 1.3917 0.03987 240 163 60 17
1111 Separate bills? 1.3917 0.04074 240 165 56 19
1112 This is completely normal. My last patient's emotional support alligator was clingy too. 1.3917 0.04241 240 169 48 23
1113 Looks like you picked something up. 1.3915 0.04090 235 161 56 18
1114 There was really no need to take off your pants. 1.3915 0.04472 235 170 38 27
1115 He needs to cut down on mice, but otherwise he's fine. 1.3915 0.04306 235 166 46 23
1116 And where was Eve when this happened? 1.3913 0.04331 230 162 46 22
1117 Look, I know it gets a bad rap but snake oil really is the best option here. 1.3911 0.04102 248 173 53 22
1118 So, this is Eve's fault? 1.3911 0.04141 248 174 51 23
1119 Let me know if that gets too tight. 1.3909 0.03995 243 166 59 18
1120 I'm recommending a less needy emotional support reptile. 1.3909 0.04162 243 170 51 22
1121 On the other hand, this might help your constipation issues. 1.3909 0.03995 243 166 59 18
1122 As a veterinarian, my first concern is for the snake. 1.3909 0.04283 220 152 50 18
1123 Sorry,I can’t help you, it’s an endangered species. 1.3908 0.04029 261 183 54 24
1124 Because antibiotics are what your insurance will cover. 1.3908 0.04308 238 169 45 24
1125 Have you been out of the country in the last month? 1.3906 0.03932 256 176 60 20
1126 So Mr. Peterson what seems to be the problem? 1.3906 0.04047 256 179 54 23
1127 Yes, they are 'Dad sneakers' but I don't think you're in the position to be passing judgements. 1.3906 0.04047 256 179 54 23
1128 But could you play the violin before? 1.3906 0.04202 233 162 51 20
1129 So you refused to eat the apple. 1.3904 0.04257 251 180 44 27
1130 You’ve got to unwind 1.3904 0.04445 228 163 41 24
1131 Next I'd like to examine you without your comfort animal. 1.3904 0.04401 228 162 43 23
1132 Unfortunately, that one's not on my list of emotional support animals. 1.3903 0.03942 269 188 57 24
1133 You can put your pants back on now. 1.3902 0.04084 246 171 54 21
1134 Wait a minute; how did you get your shirt off? 1.3902 0.04125 246 172 52 22
1135 The bad news is, your snake has a cold. 1.3900 0.04060 241 166 56 19
1136 ...and when did you notice the tightness in your chest? 1.3900 0.03976 259 180 57 22
1137 Let's see if an MRI shows us anything. 1.3900 0.03900 259 178 61 20
1138 My assistant there is just taking your blood pressure. 1.3898 0.04220 254 182 45 27
1139 The X-rays are showing it's a very large snake... 1.3896 0.04048 249 173 55 21
1140 That human will have to be removed Mr. Snake. 1.3894 0.04247 226 157 50 19
1141 I remember when The New Yorker cartoons were funny. 1.3893 0.04307 244 175 43 26
1142 So, which of you has the gerbil? 1.3893 0.04307 244 175 43 26
1143 Next I am prescribing compression leggings. 1.3893 0.04423 244 178 37 29
1144 Now, what seems to be the problem here? 1.3893 0.04307 244 175 43 26
1145 Glad I could squeeze you in today. 1.3893 0.03943 262 182 58 22
1146 Nothing too alarming here. You just caught what is going around. 1.3893 0.03905 262 181 60 21
1147 Good news,its not your heart. 1.3891 0.04409 221 156 44 21
1148 This should keep the swelling down. 1.3891 0.04251 239 169 47 23
1149 Have you been out of the country recently? 1.3891 0.03881 257 176 62 19
1150 Take the decongestant pills for 2 weeks. If your breathing doesn't improve, I'd get rid of the snake. 1.3891 0.03920 257 177 60 20
1151 Everything looks good. I'll see you in a year. 1.3891 0.03997 257 179 56 22
1152 It appears that your pet is suffering from separation anxiety. 1.3891 0.03947 275 194 55 26
1153 You are suffering from Bronchial Obstructive Asthma, but we doctors call it BOA 1.3889 0.04231 234 164 49 21
1154 I'll just write 'got himself in a bind' and leave it at that. 1.3889 0.04274 234 165 47 22
1155 Shortness of breath. Anything else bothering you? 1.3887 0.03865 283 199 58 26
1156 You seem fine but your snake seems wound pretty tight. 1.3887 0.03947 265 185 57 23
1157 I'm going to go ahead and schedule you for a hiss-terectomy. 1.3887 0.04111 247 173 52 22
1158 Scales don't lie... 1.3887 0.04151 247 174 50 23
1159 In cases like this I often recommend snake oil. 1.3885 0.03925 260 180 59 21
1160 You have to find a different emotional support animal. 1.3884 0.04372 242 175 40 27
1161 Coiliosis. 1.3884 0.04171 242 170 50 22
1162 I'm not judging you but if you're naked under there tell me now. 1.3882 0.04242 255 184 43 28
1163 i’m writing a prescription that should help you unwind 1.3882 0.03861 255 174 63 18
1164 Not the best choice of therapy pet. 1.3881 0.03914 268 187 58 23
1165 Have you traveled outside of the country in the last 30 days? 1.3880 0.03955 250 172 59 19
1166 You need to unwind a bit. 1.3879 0.03985 232 157 60 15
1167 Studies show that it is an extremely effective treatment for constipation 1.3879 0.04428 232 167 40 25
1168 In the plus column, you’ve quit smoking. 1.3878 0.03893 263 182 60 21
1169 It says here you're been feeling a bit constricted. I'm thinking it's probably the snake, but going to have to run some more tests just to be sure. 1.3878 0.04052 245 170 55 20
1170 Well, it's not worms. 1.3878 0.04052 245 170 55 20
1171 Just when did you begin to feel this tightness in your chest? 1.3877 0.03867 276 193 59 24
1172 Have you been out of the country during the last two weeks?" 1.3877 0.03867 276 193 59 24
1173 Well, I have some good news. It’s not cancer... 1.3877 0.04092 227 155 56 16
1174 He seems a bit lonely and depressed. Give him 2 of these a day to unwind. 1.3877 0.04368 227 161 44 22
1175 I misunderstood when you told me you liked to wear your wife's boa. 1.3876 0.04059 258 182 52 24
1176 We don't accept Cobra. 1.3876 0.04738 209 152 33 24
1177 Any concerns today other than feeling constricted? 1.3875 0.04154 240 168 51 21
1178 It's probably benign, but there's a small chance it could lead to the Fall of Man. 1.3875 0.03982 240 164 59 17
1179 You may experience some side effects such dizziness, nausea, blurred vision, or in rare cases, asphyxiation. 1.3874 0.04299 222 155 48 19
1180 Well, the good news is you're not having a heart attack.... 1.3874 0.04203 222 153 52 17
1181 I think you need a chance to unwind. 1.3874 0.03921 253 174 60 19
1182 It won't relieve your back pain, but it will take your mind off of it. 1.3872 0.04085 235 162 55 18
1183 Can you let go of your human now,so I can examine you? 1.3872 0.04216 235 165 49 21
1184 First the good news, you don't have a tape worm. 1.3872 0.04427 235 170 39 26
1185 I'll write him a little something for separation anxiety. 1.3870 0.03875 261 180 61 20
1186 Your's is the first case this season." 1.3868 0.03860 243 164 64 15
1187 Any chest pain or shortness of breath? 1.3868 0.04075 243 169 54 20
1188 HOW DID YOU GET YOUR JACKET OFF? 1.3868 0.04238 243 173 46 24
1189 It’s nothing serious. Just try to unwind a bit. 1.3867 0.03928 256 177 59 20
1190 The good news is it's not ringworm. 1.3867 0.03928 256 177 59 20
1191 I'm going to recommend Boa-tox. 1.3867 0.04529 225 163 37 25
1192 I presume you want a note for your emotional support snake. 1.3866 0.04303 238 170 44 24
1193 The good news is that it’s not a tapeworm. The bad news... 1.3865 0.04622 207 148 38 21
1194 It's been going around. 1.3865 0.03860 251 171 63 17
1195 As herpetologists go, you're too wrapped up in your work. 1.3865 0.04364 251 184 37 30
1196 Cough. 1.3863 0.04054 277 200 47 30
1197 HE SEEMS TO HAVE A CRUSH ON YOU. 1.3863 0.04370 233 167 42 24
1198 What’s eating you? 1.3862 0.04039 246 171 55 20
1199 We'll have to run more tests to be sure. 1.3862 0.04278 246 177 43 26
1200 So, how was Florida this year? 1.3862 0.03914 246 168 61 17
1201 So, besides a little tightness in your chest, any other symptoms? 1.3860 0.04195 215 147 53 15
1202 Is anything else bothering you today? 1.3860 0.04495 215 153 41 21
1203 That tight feeling around your chest... I think I know what it is. 1.3860 0.04396 228 163 42 23
1204 This is exactly why we recommend vaccinations. 1.3859 0.04055 241 167 55 19
1205 I have some snake oil that may actually work in this case. 1.3859 0.04140 241 169 51 21
1206 By any chance, were you recently on a plane? 1.3859 0.04263 241 172 45 24
1207 She handed me an apple and said she’d be right back. 1.3858 0.04289 254 185 40 29
1208 Basically you’re fine, except that your blood pressure is a tad high and there’s a slight rattle in your chest. 1.3857 0.04472 210 148 43 19
1209 The best I can do is prescribe you an emotional support mongoose. 1.3856 0.04329 236 169 43 24
1210 An aspirins for you. A muscle relaxer for her. 1.3856 0.03936 236 160 61 15
1211 You need to learn to unwind. 1.3856 0.03843 236 158 65 13
1212 This new organic body cast will help realign your spine and it is environmentally friendly. 1.3856 0.04159 236 165 51 20
1213 Slightly constricted or very constricted? 1.3856 0.04115 236 164 53 19
1214 Well, I think I've determined the cause of your high blood pressure. 1.3855 0.04044 249 174 54 21
1215 Can you describe the tightness in your chest? 1.3855 0.04278 249 180 42 27
1216 If you relax, he’ll relax. Have you tried meditation? 1.3855 0.03787 262 179 65 18
1217 What seems to be the problem here? 1.3855 0.04010 275 197 50 28
1218 Have you traveled outside the country recently? 1.3853 0.04222 231 162 49 20
1219 So, how was the Amazon? 1.3852 0.04061 244 170 54 20
1220 You need to give up wearing boas, they're too constricting. 1.3852 0.04224 244 174 46 24
1221 The good news is your blood work came back & looks great. 1.3852 0.03837 257 176 63 18
1222 So you're feeling constricted? 1.3852 0.03891 270 189 58 23
1223 Do you want me to write you a note for work? 1.3850 0.04379 226 161 43 22
1224 The good news is your cholesterol looks great. 1.3850 0.03904 226 151 63 12
1225 A tightness in your chest... any other symptoms?" 1.3850 0.04242 226 158 49 19
1226 Sir, we cannot perform the operation until you sign the documents. 1.3850 0.04148 226 156 53 17
1227 The python comes off when you start paying your deductible. 1.3849 0.04205 239 169 48 22
1228 Blood pressure is a little high, otherwise I’d say you’re good to go 1.3849 0.03889 252 173 61 18
1229 That frog in your throat has led to other complications. 1.3849 0.04009 252 176 55 21
1230 I thought you selected the COBRA plan with full coverage. 1.3849 0.04239 252 182 43 27
1231 Have you been under any pressure lately? 1.3846 0.04146 247 175 49 23
1232 Are you her main squeeze? 1.3846 0.04269 234 166 46 22
1233 Before I examine your throat, Mr. Jones, I'm gonna have to ask you to remove your boa. 1.3846 0.04094 234 162 54 18
1234 Now Cough 1.3846 0.04066 247 173 53 21
1235 Shortness of breath? You smoke? 1.3843 0.04165 255 183 46 26
1236 I don't know what to tell you doc, it just started with a frog in my throat. 1.3843 0.04167 242 171 49 22
1237 You can remove the boa also. You haven't got anything that I haven't seen before. 1.3843 0.04247 229 161 48 20
1238 Didn't the nurse ask you to take EVERYTHING off? 1.3843 0.04424 229 165 40 24
1239 Now which toe did you say is bothering you? 1.3840 0.04272 237 169 45 23
1240 So, Mr. Schmidt, what seems to be the problem? 1.3840 0.04436 237 173 37 27
1241 The good news is we’ve resolved your low blood pressure issue. 1.3840 0.04057 237 164 55 18
1242 Here’s a prescription for snake oil, but you may not need it. 1.3839 0.04268 224 157 48 19
1243 Dr. Scott is the best herpetologist I know, and he's a real charmer, too. 1.3836 0.04423 232 168 39 25
1244 The good news is that the tightness you feel is not because of a heart attack. 1.3836 0.04251 232 164 47 21
1245 Please slip out of your boa and put on the robe. Then we can begin your exam. 1.3834 0.03917 253 175 59 19
1246 This wasn’t exactly what I had envisioned when I said “emotional support animal.” 1.3834 0.04035 253 178 53 22
1247 We'll run some tests, but I've got a hunch you picked something up when you were on safari. 1.3834 0.03626 253 168 73 12
1248 I'd like to run a few more tests before making a diagnosis. 1.3834 0.03917 253 175 59 19
1249 Take two mongooses and see me in the morning. 1.3834 0.03957 253 176 57 20
1250 I'm prescribing a fairly aggressive muscle relaxant first. And then, charm school. 1.3833 0.04232 240 171 46 23
1251 I suggest you find a new way to unwind. 1.3833 0.03977 240 165 58 17
1252 Have you offered it a cow? 1.3833 0.04232 240 171 46 23
1253 Okay you can put your clothes back on 1.3833 0.04232 240 171 46 23
1254 We don't have a code for boa constrictor--let's just call it chest pain 1.3833 0.04180 227 158 51 18
1255 We need to remove that mole on your face immediately. 1.3831 0.04093 261 187 48 26
1256 Well, next time, accept the apple... 1.3831 0.04200 261 190 42 29
1257 Not so charming, is it. 1.3831 0.04053 248 174 53 21
1258 Well, your snake is in perfect health. 1.3831 0.03846 248 169 63 16
1259 The bad news is that your support animal has not been approved for air travel. 1.3831 0.04211 248 178 45 25
1260 WebMD says it’s asthma. 1.3830 0.04035 235 162 56 17
1261 Does it hurt when you laugh? 1.3828 0.04001 256 180 54 22
1262 You're not covered, but the snake is - Trump Care. 1.3826 0.04321 230 164 44 22
1263 When they told you to wear a boa for drag night, I think they meant a scarf. 1.3826 0.04365 230 165 42 23
1264 You might have to go out of network. 1.3826 0.04094 264 190 47 27
1265 So besides the tightness in the chest...? 1.3825 0.04214 217 150 51 16
1266 I'm referring you to a herpetologist, but she's out of network." 1.3825 0.04057 251 177 52 22
1267 Any tightness, heavy pressure, or squeezing around chest area? 1.3824 0.04130 238 167 51 20
1268 Actually, I WOULD recommend snake oil. 1.3824 0.03999 238 164 57 17
1269 So, a little tightness. Where? 1.3824 0.04173 238 168 49 21
1270 So what seems to be bothering you today? 1.3822 0.04151 259 187 45 27
1271 I think we've found the reason for your shortness of breath. 1.3822 0.04252 225 158 48 19
1272 Chest pressure? Okay. Can you be a bit more specific? 1.3821 0.04034 246 172 54 20
1273 Sir, I know you're scared, but you're going to have to remove the therapy snake. 1.3821 0.04235 246 177 44 25
1274 Your insurance company claims it was a pre-existing condition. 1.3821 0.03909 246 169 60 17
1275 And this is why you don't trust ads from the internet. 1.3821 0.04156 246 175 48 23
1276 Well, the contractions are three minutes apart and dilation has begun, but unfortunately you’re in breech position, Mr. Coyle. 1.3821 0.04386 212 149 45 18
1277 It's probably nothing, but we can run some tests. 1.3819 0.04061 254 180 51 23
1278 I said "restrictive diet" not "constrictive diet" 1.3818 0.03939 275 196 53 26
1279 It seems you picked up an exotic organism on your trip abroad." 1.3818 0.03696 275 189 67 19
1280 Tightness in the chest could result from a number of causes. 1.3817 0.04050 241 168 54 19
1281 Does he usually frighten this easily when he goes to the vet ? 1.3815 0.03957 270 192 53 25
1282 We find it more cost effective than collection agencies. 1.3814 0.04021 236 163 56 17
1283 Before I examine you, Mr. Boa, I must ask that you please put down your emotional-support human. 1.3814 0.04324 236 170 42 24
1284 Well, Sir, it seems you have your head up your asp. 1.3812 0.04417 223 160 41 22
1285 Finally, a contraceptive coil that's fool proof. 1.3811 0.04298 244 177 41 26
1286 And just when did these contractions begin? 1.3811 0.04259 244 176 43 25
1287 So, I understand that you are her therapy human. 1.3810 0.04159 252 181 46 25
1288 We're probably going to go back to the old style blood pressure monitors. There's some problems with these. 1.3810 0.04004 252 177 54 21
1289 Routine question,we ask everybody ... do you feel safe at home? 1.3810 0.04197 252 182 44 26
1290 The good news is we've fixed the hissing in your ear. 1.3810 0.03925 252 175 58 19
1291 Any peanut allergy? 1.3810 0.04159 252 181 46 25
1292 I'm recommending boatox." 1.3808 0.04029 260 185 51 24
1293 OK, let's skip the "breathe deeply" for now. 1.3808 0.04116 239 168 51 20
1294 I have your "emotional support animal" papers here, but sir, I still don't think you will be able to fly without clothing" 1.3808 0.04029 239 166 55 18
1295 It's our new way to collect co-pays. 1.3808 0.04200 239 170 47 22
1296 I stand corrected. You should feed Larry more than once a year. 1.3808 0.04283 239 172 43 24
1297 Which garden were you in? 1.3807 0.04097 218 149 55 14
1298 I'm going to prescribe him some oxycodone and he should loosen right up. 1.3806 0.04061 247 174 52 21
1299 It's surprisingly good at detecting high blood pressure, and no one can pronounce sphygmomanometer anyway. 1.3806 0.03853 247 169 62 16
1300 Ironic that using a Python for constipation is covered by your COBRA plan. 1.3806 0.04298 247 180 40 27
1301 Sir, we do accept Cobra insurance. However, we do not accept insurance for cobras. You may want to contact your provider for clarification. 1.3806 0.04102 247 175 50 22
1302 You're lucky that we were able to squeeze you in. 1.3803 0.04178 234 165 49 20
1303 If I can just get you to sign this insurance form, we’ll have a look at you. 1.3803 0.03814 284 201 58 25
1304 Not to worry. This happens occasionally with people who opt for COBRA medical coverage. 1.3802 0.04138 263 191 44 28
1305 I'm not liking that blood pressure. 1.3802 0.03922 263 185 56 22
1306 Next time, just remember, what goes around comes around. 1.3802 0.04121 242 171 50 21
1307 Two rats a day, given orally, should gradually relieve that constricting sensation 1.3802 0.03863 242 165 62 15
1308 Your insurance won't cover you until there's a fifth coil. 1.3802 0.04121 242 171 50 21
1309 Not all of these “Natural Slimming Aids “ work. 1.3802 0.04162 242 172 48 22
1310 Okay sir, the chart says you are 46 years old, currently employed as a civil serpent..sorry, servant. 1.3802 0.04162 242 172 48 22
1311 Any trouble breathing prior to getting the snake? 1.3802 0.03951 242 167 58 17
1312 … good length for his age, healthy skin color--- oh, you mean you-- two broken ribs and a crushed sternum. 1.3800 0.04183 250 180 45 25
1313 So, what exactly has brought you into the clinic today? 1.3799 0.04287 229 163 45 21
1314 Everything looks good..Though I am a bit concerned about your blood pressure. 1.3799 0.04196 229 161 49 19
1315 The test results suggest you may be a carrier of some kind of tropical pest. 1.3798 0.04013 258 183 52 23
1316 ""On a positive note, you'll get a very nice set of luggage out of this." 1.3798 0.03741 258 176 66 16
1317 So, looks like you’re no longer on cobra. 1.3798 0.04232 258 189 40 29
1318 Unfortunately, the nearest zoo is out-of-network. 1.3798 0.03975 258 182 54 22
1319 I'd like to run some tests to see what the problem is 1.3797 0.04471 237 175 34 28
1320 Stripping to your skivvies includes removing your boa. 1.3796 0.04275 216 151 48 17
1321 So at first she was just wrapped around your little finger? 1.3796 0.04205 245 176 45 24
1322 Shortness of breath can mean any number of things. 1.3796 0.04205 245 176 45 24
1323 When I said, "Get it on Amazon" I meant the website 1.3796 0.04284 245 178 41 26
1324 Clarence, we've discussed this before, humans are bad for your cholesterol 1.3795 0.04401 224 161 41 22
1325 Any symptoms other than chest pains? 1.3795 0.03920 224 151 61 12
1326 I'm going give you something that will help you unwind. 1.3795 0.04119 224 155 53 16
1327 So, tell me what brings you in today. 1.3794 0.03952 253 177 56 20
1328 Look at it this way, most people are up to their neck in debt. 1.3793 0.04157 232 163 50 19
1329 No, that's a different kind cobra insurance. 1.3793 0.04202 232 164 48 20
1330 So when you got laid off you got on COBRA, and this happened? 1.3793 0.04125 261 189 45 27
1331 One Mongoose, at breakfast, as needed. 1.3793 0.04157 232 163 50 19
1332 Dr. Oz is wrong about this, too. 1.3793 0.04112 232 162 52 18
1333 I’m going need you to cough. 1.3792 0.04016 240 167 55 18
1334 So,I see that you're here for a second opinion. 1.3792 0.03838 240 163 63 14
1335 Now I understand the need to squeeze you in. 1.3790 0.04128 248 177 48 23
1336 Why are you here ? 1.3790 0.04474 219 158 39 22
1337 I could prescribe a muscle relaxant, for the snake of course. 1.3789 0.04034 256 182 51 23
1338 We'll give you some Advil for the chest pain, and some mice for the snake" 1.3789 0.04358 227 163 42 22
1339 Well...we can still check your prostate. 1.3788 0.03835 264 184 60 20
1340 Well, that about wraps it up 1.3787 0.04075 235 164 53 18
1341 You may feel a little tightness in your chest for a few days. 1.3787 0.04249 235 168 45 22
1342 The good news is the snake is doing very well 1.3786 0.03681 280 194 66 20
1343 Well, you must understand sir, that this is a veterinarian's office, so of course our first concern is, 'What can we do to save this snake?' 1.3785 0.04352 214 151 45 18
1344 It says here there's a tightness in your chest? 1.3785 0.04352 214 151 45 18
1345 So, what brings you to my office? 1.3785 0.04501 214 154 39 21
1346 You seem rattled, Fred. 1.3783 0.04403 230 167 39 24
1347 The tests confirm it. It's a human stuck in your coils. That'll have to be removed. 1.3782 0.03798 275 193 60 22
1348 ...on the other hand Brad, it looks like your constipation is no longer a problem. 1.3782 0.04210 238 170 46 22
1349 Our blood pressure machine is out of order, so we are using him. 1.3782 0.04252 238 171 44 23
1350 Well, a tightness around the chest doesn't always mean that you will die from a heart attack. 1.3780 0.03946 246 171 57 18
1351 Any wheezing or shortness of breath? 1.3780 0.03819 254 175 62 17
1352 This is what happens when you deny cobra coverage. 1.3780 0.04169 254 184 44 26
1353 Well, going out on a limb here, that tightness in your chest might not be bronchitis 1.3779 0.04455 217 156 40 21
1354 No, it's not a tapeworm... 1.3779 0.03967 262 186 53 23
1355 I had prescribed compression socks but never mind. 1.3778 0.04006 225 154 57 14
1356 So Eve told you that an apple a day keeps the doctor away? 1.3778 0.04247 225 159 47 19
1357 Coils! My nurse thought you said boils 1.3777 0.03734 278 194 63 21
1358 "GIVE HIM 2 RATS, 1 LIZARD AND CALL ME IN THE MORNING. 1.3777 0.04052 233 162 54 17
1359 He needs to cut down on mice, but otherwise he's in good health. 1.3777 0.04231 233 166 46 21
1360 At this point, it's not the cancer I would worry about. 1.3776 0.04045 241 169 53 19
1361 On the plus side, your foot fungus has completely cleared up. 1.3776 0.03959 241 167 57 17
1362 What do you suppose is triggering your anxiety this time? 1.3776 0.04045 241 169 53 19
1363 Let’s try two dead rats and call me in the morning. 1.3776 0.03915 241 166 59 16
1364 Unfortunately, your insurance only covers bites. 1.3776 0.03915 241 166 59 16
1365 I'm going to prescribe an antidepressant to help you unwind. 1.3776 0.03959 241 167 57 17
1366 So this is your comfort animal? 1.3775 0.03871 249 172 60 17
1367 I'm going to recommend not poking it. 1.3775 0.03994 249 175 54 20
1368 I think I know what's causing the tightness in your chest, but just to be sure, let's do lots of tests. 1.3775 0.04114 249 178 48 23
1369 I'm sorry Sir, but it looks like this is a pre-existing constrictor. 1.3775 0.04034 249 176 52 21
1370 Well, it could explain that feeling of tightness in your chest. 1.3774 0.03828 257 178 61 18
1371 I highly doubt it's contagious. 1.3774 0.03828 257 178 61 18
1372 Please tell me the reason for your visit to the clinic today. 1.3774 0.03983 257 182 53 22
1373 Your high blood pressure appears to be stress related. I suggest you try to unwind. 1.3774 0.03786 265 184 62 19
1374 ...and one of you call me in the morning. 1.3774 0.03934 265 188 54 23
1375 So, you’re experiencing some tightness in your chest? Let me run a few tests and see if I can figure out what’s going on. 1.3774 0.03671 265 181 68 16
1376 I'm afraid the emotional support snake will have to come off as well. 1.3772 0.03840 281 200 56 25
1377 The good news is that I figured out why you have shortness of breath. 1.3772 0.04160 228 160 50 18
1378 When did you last feed him? 1.3772 0.04066 228 158 54 16
1379 It's not as rare as people think. 1.3771 0.04105 236 166 51 19
1380 Don't shoot the messenger, you won't believe the things your HMO excludes. 1.3771 0.04192 236 168 47 21
1381 Your vitals are fine, but I suggest you take a few days off and unwind. 1.3771 0.04060 236 165 53 18
1382 ‘So a little tightness in your chest?’ 1.3770 0.03837 244 167 62 15
1383 Well, the good news is it isn’t venomous. 1.3770 0.03924 244 169 58 17
1384 Yeah, this has been going around. 1.3770 0.04093 244 173 50 21
1385 I am prescribing a muscle relaxer for you and a small gazelle for the snake. 1.3770 0.04009 244 171 54 19
1386 Okay, and what seems to be the problem today? 1.3770 0.04078 252 180 49 23
1387 Any coughing, wheezing or tightening of the chest? 1.3770 0.03960 252 177 55 20
1388 I’m prescribing something to unwind you. 1.3770 0.03838 252 174 61 17
1389 First the good news - that tightness in your chest is not a heart attack. 1.3769 0.03793 268 187 61 20
1390 So far, nothing obvious. We'll have to do more tests. 1.3767 0.03859 292 211 52 29
1391 I see, any other complaints? 1.3766 0.04167 231 163 49 19
1392 So Mr. Johnson, what brings you here today? 1.3766 0.04256 231 165 45 21
1393 First, the mole on your back is no longer a problem. 1.3766 0.03845 239 163 62 14
1394 You appear to be constricted. 1.3766 0.04195 239 171 46 22
1395 Removing the snake is doable... getting you “back to the garden”, not so much. 1.3766 0.04237 239 172 44 23
1396 I’m ordering a PET scan to help diagnose the cause of your constriction 1.3765 0.03766 255 175 64 16
1397 Besides that, is everything else normal? 1.3764 0.04027 263 189 49 25
1398 And why have you come in today? 1.3762 0.04356 210 148 45 17
1399 If it's not bothering you we won't do anything right now. 1.3761 0.04041 226 156 55 15
1400 We'll have to run some tests. 1.3761 0.03992 234 162 56 16
1401 The good news is you’re not in danger. The bad news is you’re endangered. 1.3760 0.03989 242 169 55 18
1402 The next time you dress in drag Mr. Jones, Id try a feather boa. 1.3760 0.04139 250 180 46 24
1403 Now that we've cured your fear of snakes, is there anything else we can help you with? 1.3760 0.03932 258 182 55 21
1404 Your insurance says they only cover snake bites. 1.3755 0.04134 237 168 49 20
1405 We can help you with the Full Monty, but not the Python. 1.3755 0.04038 245 173 52 20
1406 Don't worry. It's going around. 1.3755 0.03862 261 183 58 20
1407 Difficulty breathing...feeling the world is closing in on you...sounds like a anxiety. I’ll give you something to help unwind. 1.3755 0.04010 277 202 46 29
1408 Sorry, but with your insurance this is the only pet scan they will pay for 1.3750 0.04152 232 164 49 19
1409 Yeah, man, you’re fucked. 1.3750 0.04358 256 192 32 32
1410 You do understand he doesn’t think of himself as a pet? 1.3750 0.04083 248 177 49 22
1411 I notice your blood pressure is a bit high. 1.3750 0.04002 248 175 53 20
1412 Maybe we could move your service viper to the chair” 1.3750 0.03961 248 174 55 19
1413 Why don't you take a week off work and go and unwind somewhere? 1.3750 0.03961 248 174 55 19
1414 I need you to take everything off, Mr Cooper please. 1.3750 0.04002 248 175 53 20
1415 And what happened to the gerbil? 1.3750 0.03880 280 201 53 26
1416 What do you mean, 'I think I came home with something from Africa?' 1.3750 0.03878 248 172 59 17
1417 I found out the reason of your discomfort. You have a human tangled up in your coils. 1.3745 0.03723 275 192 63 20
1418 So tell me when you noticed this tightness in your chest. 1.3745 0.03863 275 196 55 24
1419 Wear it for three days and your constipation will be gone. 1.3745 0.03931 275 198 51 26
1420 Restricted movement. Any other symptoms? 1.3745 0.03920 259 183 55 21
1421 Well Mr. Jones, you say you are experiencing tightness in the chest. As you may know, that has many causes. Let’s get a CT, MRI,EKG, sonogram, upper endoscopy, colonoscopy, cardiac cath, some blood work and we’ll get to the bottom of this. 1.3745 0.04125 251 181 46 24
1422 It says here you would like something removed. 1.3745 0.04087 251 180 48 23
1423 I think we’ll skip the prostate exam today. 1.3745 0.04224 243 176 43 24
1424 You can get dressed now. I think I've discovered your problem. 1.3745 0.03845 243 167 61 15
1425 Maybe the insurance code for vasoconstriction is close enough 1.3745 0.03889 243 168 59 16
1426 So.....what are your symptoms? 1.3745 0.04069 235 165 52 18
1427 I'm prescribing some snake oil. After a few days, you should be able to slip right out of its grip. 1.3745 0.04287 235 170 42 23
1428 I’ll endorse your emotional support python, but I make no guarantees about snakes on a plane. 1.3744 0.04262 227 162 45 20
1429 I’ll just prescribe a little something to help you both relax. 1.3744 0.04122 227 159 51 17
1430 Any tightness in your chest....difficulty breathing? 1.3744 0.04421 219 158 40 21
1431 Next of Kin: Eve 1.3741 0.03878 270 192 55 23
1432 Does it feel any better if you lie on a warm road? 1.3740 0.04225 246 179 42 25
1433 I see you told the nurse that you're feeling a tightening in your chest, is that right? 1.3740 0.04106 246 176 48 22
1434 Offhand, I'd say you're not actually paranoid. 1.3740 0.04024 246 174 52 20
1435 How long have you have you had this feeling of tightness in your chest? 1.3739 0.04266 230 165 44 21
1436 I would be a bit more cautious on Tinder in the future" 1.3739 0.04310 230 166 42 22
1437 Tightness in your chest can be caused by many things, so let's not jump to conclusions until we've run a few tests. 1.3738 0.04295 214 151 46 17
1438 You said it's 'slowly squeezing the life out of you'. Sounds like my ex. 1.3735 0.03823 257 179 60 18
1439 No, it’s not in your head ... this relationship is definitely suffocating you. 1.3735 0.03823 249 172 61 16
1440 It says here you're having trouble breathing? 1.3735 0.03865 249 173 59 17
1441 So tell me, Mr. Jones, when did you first notice you had difficulty breathing? 1.3735 0.03865 249 173 59 17
1442 It's never the obvious reason. Let's run a few tests to see why you're short of breath. 1.3735 0.03989 249 176 53 20
1443 It says here Adam that you had a bad reaction to an apple. 1.3734 0.04329 241 177 38 26
1444 I know men wear boas these days, but yours is a bit constricting, no? 1.3734 0.04166 241 173 46 22
1445 Yes, difficulty in breathing, and what else? 1.3734 0.04040 241 170 52 19
1446 I have a hunch about your shortness of breath, but your insurance company requires more tests. 1.3734 0.04166 241 173 46 22
1447 I'm recommending that you switch to a feather boa. 1.3733 0.04241 225 160 46 19
1448 OK, so the inhaler didn’t work. 1.3733 0.04287 225 161 44 20
1449 So tell me what the problem is. 1.3732 0.04051 276 203 43 30
1450 Look...it's your choice. Do you want to feel embraced & loved, or do you want to breathe? 1.3731 0.04129 260 190 43 27
1451 I can prescribe a muscle relaxant, but you have to figure out how to give it to the snake. 1.3730 0.04046 244 173 51 20
1452 I don’t think I can treat this. It’s an endangered species. 1.3729 0.04229 236 170 44 22
1453 Hmm, shortness of breath. Anything else? 1.3726 0.03644 263 180 68 15
1454 Feeling any tightness in your chest? 1.3725 0.04000 255 182 51 22
1455 In fact, it is the opposite of a tape worm. 1.3725 0.04038 255 183 49 23
1456 Your cholesterol is down, but your blood pressure is out of control. 1.3725 0.04132 247 178 46 23
1457 Have you noticed any other symptoms? 1.3725 0.03928 247 173 56 18
1458 Take 3 aspirin,give him 3 rabbits,and call me in the morning. 1.3725 0.03885 247 172 58 17
1459 This isn't even covered in Canada, unfortunately. 1.3724 0.04190 239 172 45 22
1460 Ok, give him two mice and call me in the morning. 1.3724 0.04062 239 169 51 19
1461 Everything seems to be perfectly normal, was there a specific reason for your visit today? 1.3724 0.03975 239 167 55 17
1462 It's actually good he has you covered -- his plan's deductible is much lower. 1.3723 0.04206 231 165 46 20
1463 And you ate the entire apple? 1.3723 0.04161 231 164 48 19
1464 Have you tried asking nicely? 1.3722 0.03693 266 184 65 17
1465 And, on a scale of one to ten, how would you rate the discomfort? 1.3721 0.03928 258 183 54 21
1466 Your blood work looks fine, however there appears to be a circulation problem. 1.3719 0.04110 242 173 48 21
1467 After ruling out all the possibilities, I have concluded that he just really likes you 1.3719 0.03983 242 170 54 18
1468 I’m not worried about your medical coverage I can see you have COBRA 1.3719 0.04110 242 173 48 21
1469 I'm afraid you've got the Grippe 1.3719 0.03940 242 169 56 17
1470 Compression stockings should take care of those cold feet. 1.3719 0.04068 242 172 50 20
1471 Don't be modest, take off the snake. 1.3719 0.03896 242 168 58 16
1472 I've got some pills for that, but you might have a hard time swallowing them. 1.3718 0.04167 234 167 47 20
1473 You are fine but the boa needs to unwind. 1.3718 0.04078 234 165 51 18
1474 Get more exercise, eat more vegetables, and avoid the Amazon river basin. 1.3718 0.04167 234 167 47 20
1475 Well, if it’s any consolation, it seems to like you. 1.3717 0.04083 226 158 52 16
1476 I’ll write the note but have you considered a therapy dog instead? 1.3717 0.04363 226 164 40 22
1477 Soooo . . . a general tightness in the chest? 1.3716 0.03741 261 181 63 17
1478 Ha! Everyone's a doctor after they've googled their symptoms. 1.3716 0.03895 261 185 55 21
1479 On a positive note, he's bulimic. 1.3715 0.03738 253 174 64 15
1480 Well at least it isn't a frog in the throat. 1.3714 0.04401 210 150 42 18
1481 I see here that you're out of work. Do you by any chance have COBRA? 1.3714 0.04114 245 176 47 22
1482 Chest tightness, difficulty breathing,...any other symptoms? 1.3714 0.04032 245 174 51 20
1483 So what seems to be the problem today?" 1.3713 0.04171 237 170 46 21
1484 I’ll write a prescription for a deconstrictant. 1.3713 0.04041 237 167 52 18
1485 So this is what you meant when you said you were constricted 1.3713 0.04041 237 167 52 18
1486 A scarf during cold and flu season. A boa is merely affectation 1.3713 0.04085 237 168 50 19
1487 I had to Google this one. 1.3713 0.04214 237 171 44 22
1488 A little tight, but much better than those gowns that leave you naked in the back 1.3713 0.04171 237 170 46 21
1489 Insurance is denying your claim, as only they have the legal right to squeeze you. 1.3712 0.04139 229 162 49 18
1490 I've run some tests and think I've found the cause of your high blood pressure 1.3712 0.03998 229 159 55 15
1491 I’m prescribing snake oil 1.3711 0.04025 256 184 49 23
1492 So, what about "Don't Tread on Me" did you not understand? 1.3711 0.03987 256 183 51 22
1493 Well, The good news is the tightness in your chest is not the result of a heart attack 1.3710 0.04244 221 157 46 18
1494 I changed my mind, could you please put the shirt back on? 1.3710 0.04196 248 181 42 25
1495 Well, the symptoms you describe could be caused by any number of things 1.3710 0.04078 248 178 48 22
1496 And you first noticed this when? 1.3708 0.03917 240 167 57 16
1497 Give the snake one or two of these muscle relaxants when you find you can’t breathe 1.3708 0.04133 240 172 47 21
1498 Which one of you is known as Monty? 1.3707 0.03915 232 160 58 14
1499 One prescription for an Emotional Support mongoose. 1.3707 0.03991 259 186 50 23
1500 We're gonna need insurance pre-authorzation for an anacondectomy... 1.3705 0.04344 224 162 41 21
1501 I'm referring you to a veterinarian. I suspect your snake is suffering from a treatable case of separation anxiety. 1.3705 0.04121 251 182 45 24
1502 I see they squeezed you in 1.3705 0.04121 251 182 45 24
1503 You say you signed up for Cobra health? 1.3705 0.03882 251 176 57 18
1504 It doesn't matter--your COBRA coverage has still expired. 1.3704 0.04259 243 178 40 25
1505 I’m going to have to refer you to a veterinarian. 1.3704 0.03970 243 171 54 18
1506 You'll have to uncoil your emotional support animal so we can proceed. 1.3704 0.04096 243 174 48 21
1507 Mr. Johnson, based on all these tests, I feel the cause of your high blood pressure is stress. 1.3704 0.04219 243 177 42 24
1508 I might suggest a different emotional support animal for your stress. 1.3704 0.04096 243 174 48 21
1509 Let's start with a few questions about your lifestyle. 1.3702 0.03807 262 184 59 19
1510 Have you travelled outside of the US in the past month? 1.3702 0.03957 262 188 51 23
1511 No, I said a RESTRICTED diet. 1.3702 0.03845 262 185 57 20
1512 This certainly could be the reason you’re constipated. 1.3702 0.03957 262 188 51 23
1513 How long has this man been bothering you? 1.3702 0.04365 235 173 37 25
1514 Let's start from the beginning. Do you have any allergies? 1.3701 0.03929 254 180 54 20
1515 I'm glad to report we've ruled out asthma" 1.3701 0.04008 254 182 50 22
1516 And how long have you had trouble swallowing? 1.3700 0.04210 227 162 46 19
1517 ...and what can I help you with today? 1.3699 0.04019 246 175 51 20
1518 You're covered but I'm afraid the snake is out of network. 1.3699 0.03977 246 174 53 19
1519 Yeah, that's the problem with our new hospital gowns. Everybody sees your asp. 1.3699 0.04019 246 175 51 20
1520 We'll know more when the tests come in but I'll bet this is something tropical. 1.3699 0.03850 246 171 59 16
1521 Have you been under any unusual pressure lately? 1.3697 0.04114 238 170 48 20
1522 So you say your symptoms are shortness of breath, loss of mobility and trouble sleeping? 1.3696 0.04012 257 185 49 23
1523 On the plus side, it's not poisonous. 1.3696 0.03571 257 174 71 12
1524 I'll get to the snake in a minute, did you give us a copy of the front and back of your insurance card? 1.3696 0.04124 230 163 49 18
1525 Frankly, when you phoned the ER about the boa wrapped around your neck, we assumed feathers and alerted Psychiatry. 1.3696 0.04124 230 163 49 18
1526 You're going to be just fine, but the snake has got to stop smoking. 1.3695 0.04064 249 179 48 22
1527 Take a mongoose and call me in the morning 1.3695 0.03688 249 170 66 13
1528 I suggest we try a muscle relaxant. 1.3695 0.03984 249 177 52 20
1529 You're right; there IS a lot of it going around. 1.3695 0.04182 249 182 42 25
1530 What seems to be the problem? 1.3694 0.03928 268 193 51 24
1531 The good news is that it will let you go once mating season ends. The bad news is that you are pregnant. 1.3694 0.04370 222 161 40 21
1532 Besides the tightness in your chest do you have any other complaints? 1.3692 0.03902 260 185 54 21
1533 I'm going to prescribe two mice and check with you in the morning. 1.3692 0.03707 260 180 64 16
1534 I don't think you'll need a follow-up appointment. 1.3692 0.03748 279 198 59 22
1535 We use this for blood pressure when the nurse is off. 1.3692 0.03982 279 205 45 29
1536 You're in very good health Mr. President. 1.3692 0.03883 279 202 51 26
1537 I think you should reconsider your support animal choices. 1.3692 0.04439 214 155 39 20
1538 Would you say it’s pain or just pressure? 1.3691 0.04176 233 167 46 20
1539 Now just relax while Mr. Slinky takes your blood pressure. 1.3691 0.04220 233 168 44 21
1540 Your cholesterol and blood sugar look fine. Its the venom levels that concern me. 1.3691 0.04131 233 166 48 19
1541 Well, I would say get rid of it, if it doesn't spark joy! 1.3691 0.04263 233 169 42 22
1542 Self medicating I see. 1.3691 0.04086 233 165 50 18
1543 Your insurance will only cover this if you become unable to breathe. 1.3690 0.04145 252 184 43 25
1544 Other than that, you're in great shape. 1.3690 0.03717 271 190 62 19
1545 Sorry, your HMO only covers anacondas. 1.3690 0.03826 271 193 56 22
1546 Have you tried charming it?” 1.3689 0.04043 225 157 53 15
1547 We figured out the tightness in your chest. 1.3689 0.03913 244 171 56 17
1548 Any numbness or tingling in lower extremities? 1.3689 0.03999 244 173 52 19
1549 OK...other than that anything else...? 1.3689 0.03913 244 171 56 17
1550 Just learn to relax and unwind. 1.3688 0.03617 282 197 66 19
1551 I'm having trouble finding the code under your insurance whereby I get paid. 1.3686 0.04181 236 170 45 21
1552 Now you might feel a little squeeze. 1.3686 0.03820 236 162 61 13
1553 I want you to take two mongooses and call me in the morning. 1.3686 0.03956 255 182 52 21
1554 I said a RE-stricted diet. 1.3686 0.03755 255 177 62 16
1555 I'm going to need you to get undressed. 1.3684 0.03984 266 193 48 25
1556 OK, good. Now breathe out. 1.3684 0.03922 247 174 55 18
1557 But the good news is your hernia seems to have stabilized. 1.3684 0.04101 228 161 50 17
1558 No, I indicated compression socks. 1.3682 0.04056 239 170 50 19
1559 No, that pressure you feel is a snake wrapped around your body. Any other questions? 1.3680 0.03772 269 190 59 20
1560 I'm prescribing a mild muscle relaxant... 1.3680 0.04011 250 179 50 21
1561 Sorry Mr. Johnson... this time I'll write ASP-irin more clearly. 1.3680 0.04200 231 166 45 20
1562 I’m going to start you out on four mice three times a day and we’ll see if that doesn’t reduce the pressure 1.3680 0.03970 231 161 55 15
1563 I'll be giving you a letter that should allow you to fly with the support boa. 1.3680 0.04109 231 164 49 18
1564 Ok, Let's start with your date of birth please. 1.3678 0.04188 242 176 43 23
1565 You must have heard me wrong; I said RESTRICTED diet. 1.3676 0.03897 253 179 55 19
1566 We just need to squeeze one more urine sample out of you and then we'll be done. 1.3676 0.04055 253 183 47 23
1567 The good news is it’s not poisonous. 1.3675 0.03644 234 157 68 9
1568 I don't like the look of these blood pressure numbers. 1.3675 0.03743 283 202 58 23
1569 They didn't kick you off the plane because of your emotional support python. They kicked you off because you weren't wearing pants. 1.3673 0.04109 245 177 46 22
1570 Don't worry, he's just taking your blood pressure. 1.3673 0.03900 245 172 56 17
1571 What brings you in today Mr. York? 1.3673 0.04311 226 164 41 21
1572 If this doesn’t work, we'll talk about liposuction. 1.3671 0.03648 286 202 63 21
1573 So, how's the new zookeeper's job going? 1.3671 0.03807 237 163 61 13
1574 We find the boa keeps you warmer than the paper gowns 1.3671 0.04166 237 171 45 21
1575 There’s nothing to worry about. It’s nonvenomous. 1.3671 0.03854 237 164 59 14
1576 You'll need to lose your support animal 1.3670 0.04425 218 159 38 21
1577 I'm cancelling your appointment for next week. 1.3668 0.04225 229 165 44 20
1578 I ‘m going to prescribe muscle relaxers... 1.3668 0.03992 229 160 54 15
1579 His blood pressure is great. Yours, on the other hand... 1.3668 0.04086 229 162 50 17
1580 This is our new intern - he’ll be taking your blood pressure. 1.3668 0.03910 259 185 53 21
1581 You say you feel a tightness in your chest? 1.3667 0.03955 240 169 54 17
1582 This seems to be a case of bowel constrictor. 1.3667 0.03797 270 192 57 21
1583 I am writing you a prescription to help with the contractions. 1.3665 0.04154 251 184 42 25
1584 You may want to try snake oil. 1.3665 0.03998 251 180 50 21
1585 Any trouble being swallowed? 1.3665 0.04115 251 183 44 24
1586 The good news is that it’s not a skin condition. 1.3665 0.04139 221 156 49 16
1587 And what is your primary complaint? 1.3665 0.04286 221 159 43 19
1588 Good news, bad news- You have high blood pressure, but we think we know the cause. 1.3664 0.03802 262 185 58 19
1589 This particular snake is on the endangered species list, so you are just going to have to learn to live with it. 1.3664 0.04095 232 165 49 18
1590 Your temperature is fine, but he's running a bit cold. 1.3664 0.04140 232 166 47 19
1591 Your name wouldn't be Monty, by any chance? 1.3663 0.04173 243 177 43 23
1592 Yup, it's herpetitis. 1.3663 0.04049 243 174 49 20
1593 All your presenting symptoms point to hypoanacondria, but since you're here let's take a look. 1.3663 0.04049 243 174 49 20
1594 You've got coil-itis." 1.3662 0.04033 213 147 54 12
1595 Ok. So everything looks fine. I'll see you next year. 1.3661 0.03924 254 181 53 20
1596 Good news. The snake is going to be ok. 1.3661 0.03884 254 180 55 19
1597 I see you checked "chest tightness" 1.3660 0.04057 235 167 50 18
1598 It's our new organic blood pressure cuff, from Florida. You will feel some tightening. 1.3660 0.04057 235 167 50 18
1599 I'm afraid all things point to Monty Python Disease. 1.3660 0.04190 235 170 44 21
1600 So, Mr. Clark, what brings you in today? 1.3659 0.03702 276 195 61 20
1601 Sorry, your Cobra doesn't cover boa. 1.3659 0.03977 276 203 45 28
1602 No, it's not herpes; it's herpetology. 1.3659 0.04135 246 179 44 23
1603 Are you a smoker? 1.3659 0.04135 246 179 44 23
1604 No, the epinephrine is for your anaphalaxisis- the rat is for the anaconda. 1.3659 0.03930 246 174 54 18
1605 Any unhealthy attachments? 1.3657 0.04153 216 152 49 15
1606 You say you’re feeling short of breath. Any other symptoms? 1.3656 0.04295 227 165 41 21
1607 I recommend staying off that motherfucking plane. 1.3656 0.04429 227 168 35 24
1608 How may I help you? 1.3655 0.04194 238 173 43 22
1609 Your blood pressure is high. Any pressing concerns? 1.3655 0.04021 238 169 51 18
1610 Congratulations! It’s a boa. 1.3655 0.03772 290 210 54 26
1611 I recommend switching to a feather boa. It might not make as strong a fashion statement, but it's easier on the heart and lungs. 1.3655 0.04059 249 180 47 22
1612 For starters, you are wound too tight. 1.3655 0.03896 249 176 55 18
1613 I'd like to run a few tests to rule out some of the more serious causes of shortness of breath. 1.3655 0.03938 249 177 53 19
1614 As soon as nurse Python has finished taking your blood pressure we'll check those hemorrhoids. 1.3655 0.03978 249 178 51 20
1615 I see you're already familiar with health insurers and the pharmaceutical industry. 1.3655 0.04099 249 181 45 23
1616 This is my first prescription for snake oil. 1.3655 0.03854 249 175 57 17
1617 Snake or no snake, bend over. 1.3655 0.03978 249 178 51 20
1618 Unfortunately, your insurance doesn't cover snake coil. 1.3654 0.03859 260 185 55 20
1619 Other symptoms besides tightness in the chest? 1.3651 0.03853 241 168 58 15
1620 Sometimes you eat the thing, sometimes the thing eats you. . .very simple really. 1.3651 0.03781 252 176 60 16
1621 Have you been under a lot of pressure? 1.3651 0.04178 252 186 40 26
1622 I need you to try to swallow for me. 1.3651 0.03863 252 178 56 18
1623 For a herpetologist, you're WAY too wrapped-up in your work. 1.3651 0.03944 252 180 52 20
1624 It's better than the lap band. After the first week, you won't mind the calorie restriction at all. 1.3651 0.03904 252 179 54 19
1625 It says here you have tightness in the chest. 1.3650 0.03903 263 189 52 22
1626 You? You're fine. But I'd like to run some tests on the boa. 1.3650 0.03593 263 181 68 14
1627 Your toenail fungus seems to have cleared up. Is there anything else I can help you with? 1.3649 0.04166 211 148 49 14
1628 Blood pressure is high - but understandable. 1.3649 0.04173 222 158 47 17
1629 I'm impressed you managed to get your gown off. 1.3648 0.04125 233 167 47 19
1630 Like I told you Monty, you can't bring your human to the vet. 1.3648 0.04199 244 179 41 24
1631 Well right off the bat, I think we'll rule out bronchitis and pneumonia 1.3648 0.03993 244 174 51 19
1632 I'm going to back off on the vasoconstrictor medication. 1.3648 0.04118 244 177 45 22
1633 As your vet, I must advise against eating any more humans. 1.3648 0.04035 244 175 49 20
1634 Like I said, snake strangulations are only covered under the Double Platinum HMO plan, and you only have the Triple Gold PPO. But you can update your plan during your employer's open enrollment next January. 1.3647 0.04104 255 187 43 25
1635 And when did this numbness start? 1.3645 0.04333 214 154 42 18
1636 In a way I’m jealous because I could really use a hug. 1.3644 0.03814 236 163 60 13
1637 Unfortunately, your insurance only covers domestic serpents. 1.3644 0.04088 236 169 48 19
1638 Any travel abroad recently? 1.3644 0.04043 236 168 50 18
1639 If we don't take any action, I'm afraid that this coil may be mortal. 1.3644 0.04218 236 172 42 22
1640 I'm afraid the news will be hard to digest, Mr. Beckley. Well, for you anyway. 1.3644 0.03953 236 166 54 16
1641 So you're telling me you can't sleep because of a hissing noise? 1.3644 0.04000 247 177 50 20
1642 Believe it or not, the best thing for this is good old-fashioned snake oil. You'll slide out in no time. 1.3643 0.03956 258 186 50 22
1643 His blood pressure is perfect; yours, on the other hand....." 1.3643 0.03840 258 183 56 19
1644 So what's the problem, sir? 1.3643 0.03956 258 186 50 22
1645 So, is this your way of saying you're covered thru COBRA? 1.3643 0.03917 258 185 52 21
1646 No, tapeworms are slightly different. 1.3643 0.04142 258 191 40 27
1647 Now, do you smoke? 1.3640 0.04279 228 166 41 21
1648 Shortness of breath and constant hissing". 'Is this all that's been bothering you? 1.3640 0.03827 239 166 59 14
1649 Any new sources of stress in your life? 1.3640 0.03873 239 167 57 15
1650 Stop worrying. He's fine. 1.3640 0.04051 239 171 49 19
1651 I am writing you a prescription for Xanax and some feeder mice. 1.3640 0.04051 239 171 49 19
1652 You know, there are more effective treatments for constipation. 1.3640 0.04045 250 181 47 22
1653 Give her one mouse three times daily. 1.3640 0.03925 250 178 53 19
1654 This shortness of breath; is it new? 1.3640 0.03885 261 187 53 21
1655 I can prescribe you Snake Oil, but it is not covered by insurance. 1.3640 0.04177 261 195 37 29
1656 I think it must have been my penmanship on that last prescription. Let’s try again. 1.3640 0.04017 272 201 43 28
1657 So, does it really feel like a constriction, or is it more a sharp radiating pain? 1.3636 0.03739 264 186 60 18
1658 What does Eve say? 1.3636 0.03891 253 180 54 19
1659 Many of my patients prefer it to a suppository. 1.3636 0.03891 253 180 54 19
1660 You felt fine when you got on the plane. Then what? 1.3636 0.04149 231 166 46 19
1661 No, Mr. Carlson, tightness in the chest and shortness of breath are not always symptoms of a heart attack. 1.3636 0.04198 220 157 46 17
1662 Well it's not your appendix. 1.3636 0.04239 231 168 42 21
1663 I'm going to prescribe some snake oil, which should loosen it right up. 1.3636 0.04057 242 174 48 20
1664 You can't imagine how many cases like yours we see." 1.3633 0.03785 267 190 57 20
1665 He enjoys hugging all our patients. 1.3633 0.04021 245 176 49 20
1666 Any other symptoms besides shortness of breath? 1.3633 0.04144 245 179 43 23
1667 It's my fault ... on this prescription I'm writing out 'vaso-constrictor.' 1.3632 0.04285 234 172 39 23
1668 Please make sure he is fasting when you come in for the blood tests 1.3632 0.04199 234 170 43 21
1669 Next time, try not to tread on it. 1.3632 0.03881 234 163 57 14
1670 Well, it’s good we managed to squeeze you in today. 1.3632 0.04109 223 158 49 16
1671 So on a scale of one to ten... 1.3632 0.04158 223 159 47 17
1672 The good news is the tightness in your chest is not a heart attack. 1.3629 0.03827 259 184 56 19
1673 I suggest you feed him two mice and call me in the morning. 1.3629 0.04147 248 182 42 24
1674 And for your legs, I’ll prescribe pressure socks with garters. 1.3629 0.03945 248 177 52 19
1675 And then what happened? 1.3629 0.04027 248 179 48 21
1676 Tightness in the chest.... Could be anxiety, could be any number of things. We'll have to run some tests. 1.3629 0.04029 237 169 50 18
1677 Lots of things can cause chest pain. 1.3629 0.04073 237 170 48 19
1678 Uh-huh, tightness of the chest, difficulty breathing . . . anything else? 1.3629 0.03939 237 167 54 16
1679 Say this phrase twice daily for a week and it should turn back into a staff. 1.3629 0.04203 237 173 42 22
1680 So, how did you and my ex meet? 1.3629 0.04328 237 176 36 25
1681 You seem a little constricted. 1.3628 0.04166 226 162 46 18
1682 Now tell me again about the tightness in your chest? 1.3628 0.04022 226 159 52 15
1683 The reports came back from the lab and it turns out, there's a snake wrapped around you. 1.3625 0.04149 251 185 41 25
1684 You look tense, I'll give you a few minutes to unwind. 1.3625 0.03829 251 177 57 17
1685 You still have to bend over. 1.3625 0.03912 251 179 53 19
1686 What is the problem? 1.3625 0.04110 251 184 43 24
1687 It’s psychosomatic. You just need to unwind. 1.3625 0.03702 251 174 63 14
1688 And what are you here to see me about this morning? 1.3625 0.03993 240 171 51 18
1689 Just checking. When was the last time you fed him? 1.3625 0.04037 240 172 49 19
1690 Thanks for squeezing me in 1.3625 0.04037 240 172 49 19
1691 We were able to squeeze you in. Now what's the problem? 1.3624 0.04033 229 162 51 16
1692 First question Mr. Neeman. Have you recently been traveling abroad? 1.3624 0.04080 229 163 49 17
1693 Believe me, everybody in healthcare is feeling the squeeze nowadays. 1.3624 0.04080 229 163 49 17
1694 Your insurance said if we can get the parasite inside your body, they'll cover it. 1.3622 0.04036 254 185 46 23
1695 The good news is we can rule out ringworm. 1.3622 0.03919 254 182 52 20
1696 I'll need you to take everything off for your exam. 1.3622 0.03756 254 178 60 16
1697 Your stool sample confirms, it's coilitis. 1.3622 0.03997 254 184 48 22
1698 I'd suggest putting aside some time to unwind. 1.3622 0.03673 254 176 64 14
1699 At any time in the last four weeks have you felt depressed, anxious or hopeless? 1.3622 0.03958 254 183 50 21
1700 Take two aspirin and give him four mice a day. 1.3621 0.03958 243 173 52 18
1701 Well, your blood pressure seems fine. 1.3621 0.03958 243 173 52 18
1702 If you want a second opinion, the snake is also endangered. 1.3621 0.04167 243 178 42 23
1703 I think we can squeeze you in next Tuesday 1.3621 0.04043 243 175 48 20
1704 Shouldn't we really be talking about the elephant in the room? 1.3621 0.03902 232 162 56 14
1705 Heart palpitations are normal for a man with your condition 1.3621 0.04043 232 165 50 17
1706 Let me write this down: Tightness in chest, difficulty breathing, started on Tuesday after a trip to the Everglades. Anything else you can tell me before I (look up from my clipboard and actually) examine you?' 1.3621 0.03996 232 164 52 16
1707 Yes, your scarf too. 1.3621 0.04311 232 171 38 23
1708 Have you traveled out of the country in the past year? 1.3620 0.04032 221 155 52 14
1709 Have him take two rodents, every four hours, then call me in the morning. 1.3619 0.03847 268 193 53 22
1710 Let me see if I can squeeze you in next week. 1.3619 0.03685 257 179 63 15
1711 Nothing serious. Just try to unwind, and you’ll be fine. 1.3619 0.03685 257 179 63 15
1712 And you say it was there when you woke up this morning? 1.3618 0.03795 246 172 59 15
1713 Seems like you’ve picked something up from your recent trip to Australia. 1.3618 0.03966 246 176 51 19
1714 The good news is that you should be able to digest the human over the next few days 1.3617 0.04096 235 169 47 19
1715 Have you been picking at it? 1.3617 0.04096 235 169 47 19
1716 Okay, so none of your friends thought you could manage a pet store. Then what? 1.3617 0.03820 235 163 59 13
1717 As we told your wife, we can save one of you. She has the glass tank in the car. 1.3616 0.04285 224 163 41 20
1718 I said erectile not reptile! 1.3615 0.03968 260 189 48 23
1719 I understand your frustration, but there's no need to hiss. 1.3615 0.03854 260 186 54 20
1720 I think it still counts as a preexisting condition. 1.3614 0.04054 249 181 46 22
1721 Are you having difficulty swallowing? 1.3613 0.04015 238 170 50 18
1722 Any symptoms other than the tightness in your chest? 1.3613 0.04102 238 172 46 20
1723 But the good news is...keep him properly fed, and you’re in no immediate danger 1.3613 0.03741 238 164 62 12
1724 We are done. Get dressed and get your asp out of here. 1.3612 0.04103 227 162 48 17
1725 You're backsliding - you've gained weight, your heart rate is elevated, and your breathing is shallow. 1.3612 0.04056 227 161 50 16
1726 Try a feather boa next time. 1.3612 0.04103 227 162 48 17
1727 Well, shortness of breath is a side-effect of your current medication 1.3612 0.04511 227 171 30 26
1728 I’m not a therapist, but I’d say this relationship is suffocating you. 1.3612 0.03860 263 189 53 21
1729 The good news? It’ll eliminate that frog in your throat. 1.3612 0.03707 263 185 61 17
1730 As for your pet mouse, I don't think we'll be able to save her. 1.3611 0.03817 252 178 57 17
1731 I'm referring you to a psychoherpetologist. He might be able to help you unwind. 1.3611 0.04198 216 154 46 16
1732 Perhaps you can prescribe me a different vasoconstrictor? 1.3610 0.04191 241 177 41 23
1733 Fortunately, your driver's license indicates that you're a donor. 1.3610 0.04108 241 175 45 21
1734 Have your traveled outside the continental United States in the last twenty one days? 1.3609 0.03829 266 191 54 21
1735 Our blood pressure machine is out of order. 1.3609 0.03903 266 193 50 23
1736 Just saw your cat scan. Is your house pet missing? 1.3609 0.04158 230 166 45 19
1737 Some respiratory constriction, a perfectly normal response. 1.3609 0.03874 230 160 57 13
1738 And how long have you had this man stuck in you Mr... Boa is it? 1.3608 0.04061 255 187 44 24
1739 Says here you’re having tightness in you’re chest? 1.3608 0.03945 255 184 50 21
1740 You know, as your proctologist I will have to look at your asp. 1.3608 0.03866 255 182 54 19
1741 Other than tightness in your chest is there anything else to report. 1.3607 0.04106 219 155 49 15
1742 Well, I most certainly can explain the crushing chest pain. 1.3607 0.03945 244 174 52 18
1743 You have Monty Python syndrome. 1.3607 0.04112 244 178 44 22
1744 I see your ex got custody of the apple. 1.3607 0.03902 244 173 54 17
1745 ...and avoid eating apples. 1.3607 0.03945 244 174 52 18
1746 much less invasive than stapling 1.3606 0.03611 269 188 65 16
1747 Well, you shouldn't have eaten her eggs. 1.3605 0.04164 233 169 44 20
1748 The pressure you feel in your chest is apparently not related to your heart. 1.3605 0.04028 233 166 50 17
1749 So you have a few questions about your COBRA? 1.3605 0.03988 258 188 47 23
1750 I'd suggest a lubricant. Snake oil should do the trick. 1.3605 0.03912 258 186 51 21
1751 I really won't know until I get the lab results back. 1.3605 0.04100 258 191 41 26
1752 Still single? 1.3604 0.04068 222 157 50 15
1753 Ok, can you breathe in for me? 1.3604 0.03914 222 154 56 12
1754 Ok, I'll give you credit for creativity. But this is the last time I'll refill your painkillers. 1.3603 0.04116 247 181 43 23
1755 Any other symptoms besides tightening of the chest? 1.3603 0.03994 247 178 49 20
1756 So you say you started feeling badly at the zoo. 1.3603 0.03782 247 173 59 15
1757 Yes, I can see that, but I would still like to rule out an allergic reaction. 1.3602 0.04212 236 173 41 22
1758 Good news is that he’ll be squeezing you less than your HMO and the drug companies 1.3602 0.04037 236 169 49 18
1759 Could you be more specific? 1.3602 0.04169 236 172 43 21
1760 Says here you have trouble breathing, is that correct? 1.3602 0.03842 261 187 54 20
1761 Yeah... it’s like worms... just much, much worse! 1.3600 0.03810 275 199 53 23
1762 Alright, I'm going to check your blood pressure. You may feel a gentle squeezing sensation on your arm. 1.3600 0.03878 250 178 54 18
1763 No, actually my chart says vapor rub. 1.3600 0.03919 250 179 52 19
1764 I’m going to refer you to a sssspecialist. 1.3600 0.04119 250 184 42 24
1765 Any history of python strangulation in your family? 1.3600 0.04040 250 182 46 22
1766 I also recommend you stay away from apples and sin. 1.3600 0.04000 250 181 48 21
1767 Are you sexually active? 1.3600 0.04080 250 183 44 23
1768 I'm sorry. Your insurance considers this a pre-existing condition. 1.3598 0.03922 264 192 49 23
1769 I can resubmit, but this is apparently all your plan covers for constipation.... 1.3598 0.04031 264 195 43 26
1770 The compression socks just didn't seem to be working. 1.3598 0.03734 264 187 59 18
1771 It appears your main squeeze has some serious attachment issues. 1.3598 0.04045 239 172 48 19
1772 I'll just renew your Emotional Support Animal prescription while you're here. 1.3598 0.04376 214 156 39 19
1773 Side effects may include shortness of breath 1.3597 0.03845 253 180 55 18
1774 So I'm prescribing a muscle relaxant for his separation anxiety.... 1.3596 0.04407 228 170 34 24
1775 I'll run some tests, but it looks like you have a constriction. 1.3596 0.03817 267 192 54 21
1776 Your insurance company says it’s a pre-existing condition..... 1.3594 0.04182 217 155 46 16
1777 The good news is that the squeezing sensation in your chest is not a heart attack. 1.3594 0.03932 256 185 50 21
1778 No way I can certify it as a support pet! 1.3594 0.03971 256 186 48 22
1779 So you say she’s having trouble swallowing? 1.3594 0.03932 256 185 50 21
1780 So what is your support boa’s name? 1.3593 0.04051 231 165 49 17
1781 I suggest you take anti-HISS-tamines. 1.3593 0.03909 231 162 55 14
1782 Feed it two white mice and call me in the morning. 1.3593 0.04277 231 170 39 22
1783 Before he squeezes the life out of you, please finish filling out your insurance information. 1.3593 0.04143 231 167 45 19
1784 I told you, everything off except your underwear 1.3592 0.03802 245 172 58 15
1785 I’m not a vet but I think he just might be hungry 1.3592 0.03757 245 171 60 14
1786 I'm prescribing a little snake oil. 1.3591 0.04141 220 157 47 16
1787 Of course, there are two viewpoints to consider here. 1.3591 0.03703 259 182 61 16
1788 This is the worst case of ring worm I've ever seen. 1.3591 0.04050 259 191 43 25
1789 I’m going to refer both of us to a psychiatrist. 1.3591 0.03938 259 188 49 22
1790 And when did you first start experiencing shortness of breath? 1.3591 0.03861 259 186 53 20
1791 Anything else concerning you? 1.3591 0.03899 259 187 51 21
1792 Well, if you can't take a deep breath and exhale for me, maybe the best thing is just to reschedule. 1.3590 0.04014 234 167 50 17
1793 145/90 .....try to unwind more often, Bob 1.3589 0.04062 248 181 45 22
1794 Nice boa. First attempt at cross dressing? 1.3589 0.03981 248 179 49 20
1795 It appears your snake is suffering from acute separation anxiety. 1.3589 0.03898 248 177 53 18
1796 Eve sent you, right? 1.3589 0.04398 209 152 39 18
1797 'C'mon Mr. Franklin. Clothes off means everything.' 1.3588 0.03752 262 186 58 18
1798 Well, your blood pressure is a little high... 1.3588 0.03713 262 185 60 17
1799 Give her two rabbits and call me in the morning. 1.3588 0.03829 262 188 54 20
1800 Don't you remember what happened last time you listened to Dr. Oz? 1.3588 0.03673 262 184 62 16
1801 It says here on your chart that you’re his main squeeze. 1.3587 0.04247 223 162 42 19
1802 I'm sorry, but I'm afraid this is a preexisting condition so you are not covered. 1.3587 0.04151 223 160 46 17
1803 So let's see...a tightness in your chest, shortness of breath, high blood pressure. Any trouble sleeping? 1.3587 0.04151 223 160 46 17
1804 Give him these muscle relaxants and stop calling him 'Monty' 1.3587 0.04199 223 161 44 18
1805 I'm prescribing a de-constrictor. 1.3586 0.03887 237 167 55 15
1806 I’m going to write you a referral to my vet as well. 1.3586 0.03865 251 179 54 18
1807 Strangely your blood pressure has risen since you got your emotional support pet. 1.3586 0.03823 251 178 56 17
1808 According to clinical trials, the treatment is mutually beneficial. The snake keeps you from smoking, and you keep the snake from suffocating other people. 1.3586 0.03987 251 182 48 21
1809 I think we can rule out asthma. 1.3586 0.03739 251 176 60 15
1810 Let's wait and see what happens when he sheds. 1.3585 0.03566 265 184 67 14
1811 I'm still not sure how this happened but, we're going to get that human out right away 1.3585 0.04353 212 154 40 18
1812 You said 'parasite' on the phone so we were kind of thinking internal. 1.3585 0.03873 265 192 51 22
1813 Nice try Irwin. Now please drop your shorts and bend over. 1.3584 0.04253 226 165 41 20
1814 The reason for your visit today indicates chest pains and difficulty breathing. Could you be more specific? 1.3584 0.04064 226 161 49 16
1815 So...you realized you were naked right after eating the apple? 1.3584 0.03865 226 157 57 12
1816 GIVE THE SNAKE A SHOT OF WHISKEY TO UNWIND 1.3583 0.04074 240 174 46 20
1817 how long have you been her favorite squeeze? 1.3583 0.04116 240 175 44 21
1818 This is the one time that snake oil actually does work. 1.3583 0.03833 254 181 55 18
1819 Yeah, well, you're not the only one getting squeezed by the new Medicare plans. 1.3583 0.03992 254 185 47 22
1820 I guess you're not as charming as you thought you were. 1.3583 0.04031 254 186 45 23
1821 If you think you're choking now, wait till you see my bill. 1.3583 0.03913 254 183 51 20
1822 Feed him two rodents and call me in the morning. 1.3583 0.03792 254 180 57 17
1823 You still need to sign this consent. 1.3583 0.03792 254 180 57 17
1824 Looks like he found you way too charming. 1.3580 0.04079 243 177 45 21
1825 It's not covered since it's a pre-constricting condition. 1.3580 0.04079 243 177 45 21
1826 How are you otherwise? Stool normal? 1.3580 0.04121 243 178 43 22
1827 Well, it's actually helping your scoliosis. 1.3580 0.03679 257 180 62 15
1828 This is the noninvasive lap band alternative we discussed.... 1.3580 0.03958 257 187 48 22
1829 Couples therapy is on the second floor. 1.3580 0.03880 257 185 52 20
1830 Take two mongooses and call me in the morning 1.3580 0.03841 257 184 54 19
1831 You marked "Constricted Airway" on your intake form. Have you been experiencing any other symptoms? 1.3580 0.03919 257 186 50 21
1832 The symptoms began *after* you ate the apple, is that right? 1.3579 0.03810 285 209 50 26
1833 Question eight. Any family history of reptile constriction? 1.3578 0.04115 218 155 48 15
1834 Your insurance company does cover resuscitation, so I'll return in about half an hour. 1.3578 0.04216 218 157 44 17
1835 So...I see from your chart that you’re due for a flu shot. 1.3578 0.04082 232 167 47 18
1836 I'll make an exception and prescribe snake oil. 1.3578 0.03943 232 164 53 15
1837 This compression device should reduce the swelling. 1.3578 0.03943 232 164 53 15
1838 So how long would you say he has had abandonment issues? 1.3577 0.04084 246 180 44 22
1839 Be sure to give this muscle relaxer to your pet. 1.3577 0.04002 246 178 48 20
1840 Yes, I think it is very clever that you named him Monty. 1.3575 0.04224 221 160 43 18
1841 So...how was your trip to Brazil? 1.3574 0.04134 235 171 44 20
1842 Try not to breathe. 1.3574 0.04178 235 172 42 21
1843 Perhaps you should consider a different comfort pet. 1.3574 0.03908 235 166 54 15
1844 We've got a couple of options here, but not necessarily a lot of time. 1.3574 0.03714 249 174 61 14
1845 Is it more of a sharp or squeezing pain? 1.3574 0.03926 249 179 51 19
1846 I'd find a nice pair of beige pumps and go with it. 1.3574 0.04003 263 194 44 25
1847 They've a good python man at Special Surgery, but the earliest I can get you in is next week. 1.3571 0.03919 238 169 53 16
1848 Besides the tightness in your chest, any fever or loss of appetite? 1.3571 0.03852 252 180 54 18
1849 Other than difficulty breathing, any symptoms? 1.3571 0.04053 238 172 47 19
1850 So when did you first feel the tightening in your chest? 1.3571 0.03964 238 170 51 17
1851 So, when did you first start feeling a tightness around your chest, Mr Green? 1.3571 0.04009 238 171 49 18
1852 Yes, you are the last patient in my 36-hour shift...what seems to be the problem? 1.3571 0.04633 210 158 29 23
1853 Well, your feet look fine.... 1.3571 0.03641 252 175 64 13
1854 Spanx are easier. 1.3571 0.04184 224 162 44 18
1855 Have you traveled to any foreign countries in the past six months? 1.3571 0.04135 224 161 46 17
1856 Now let me get this straight. You lost your job and you want to pay with your Cobra? 1.3571 0.04184 224 162 44 18
1857 \unfortunately, all the tests indicate that he’s hungry. 1.3571 0.03654 280 200 60 20
1858 ...and are you sexually active? 1.3569 0.03820 255 182 55 18
1859 Difficulty breathing can have any number of causes. 1.3569 0.03780 255 181 57 17
1860 I think some snake oil might help. 1.3568 0.03841 241 170 56 15
1861 You seem all wound up. 1.3568 0.03973 241 173 50 18
1862 And after the apple what happened.... 1.3568 0.03973 241 173 50 18
1863 Any tightness in the chest? difficulty breathing...? 1.3566 0.03764 272 196 55 21
1864 I have good news. The tightness in your chest is not a cardiac problem. 1.3566 0.03749 258 183 58 17
1865 Charming. 1.3566 0.03907 258 187 50 21
1866 This should keep the swelling down for now. 1.3566 0.03939 244 175 51 18
1867 Your blood vessels are somewhat constricted, but it's good that you do have COBRA insurance. You're covered! 1.3566 0.04228 244 182 37 25
1868 have you traveled out of the country recently? 1.3565 0.04151 230 167 44 19
1869 My notes say you have been having trouble breathing. When did this start? 1.3565 0.03916 230 162 54 14
1870 So you're calling this more of a constriction than a pain? 1.3563 0.03874 261 189 51 21
1871 Yeh, but first why don't you tell me how you unlaced your shoes and unbuttoned your shirt. 1.3563 0.03836 261 188 53 20
1872 I said restrict your diet not constrict 1.3562 0.04068 233 168 47 18
1873 Have you visited any tropical locations recently? 1.3562 0.04068 233 168 47 18
1874 Well, you don’t have malaria. 1.3562 0.04246 233 172 39 22
1875 No, cross dressing is not generally bad for your health, but that kind of boa could be fatal. 1.3562 0.04068 233 168 47 18
1876 You say your wife's name is Eve? 1.3561 0.03843 264 191 52 21
1877 Patients hated the old colonoscopy prep, so let's give this a try. 1.3560 0.03830 250 178 55 17
1878 ...and have you experienced any chest pain or shortness of breath? 1.3560 0.04074 250 184 43 23
1879 Great news, your lab reports show you're in excellent health. 1.3560 0.03994 250 182 47 21
1880 Your insurance company says your chest tightness and shortness of breath are preexisting conditions. 1.3559 0.03940 236 168 52 16
1881 I do admit...It's an old method of curing constipation! 1.3559 0.04160 222 160 45 17
1882 I'm sorry but your HMO lists having a snake as a pre-existing condition. 1.3559 0.04256 222 162 41 19
1883 Didn't your previous vet tell you not to attempt to eat another full size human sooner than 6 months after the last one? 1.3558 0.03992 267 198 43 26
1884 In my expert opinion, you're under too much pressure. 1.3557 0.03839 253 181 54 18
1885 I'm sorry. You're not completely covered. 1.3557 0.03839 253 181 54 18
1886 Sorry. The pharmacy keeps misreading my prescriptions. 1.3557 0.03798 253 180 56 17
1887 These pills should help him unwind but call me in the morning if you still feel constricted. 1.3556 0.03995 239 172 49 18
1888 Well, I did say getting a pet would lower your heart rate. 1.3556 0.03768 239 167 59 13
1889 Your diagnosis is coilitis. 1.3556 0.03906 239 170 53 16
1890 I can confirm that the tightness in your chest is not viral. 1.3556 0.04168 225 163 44 18
1891 So, Darryl, some good news, it is not poisonous. 1.3556 0.04215 225 164 42 19
1892 No, I think we can rule out a tape worm. 1.3556 0.04262 225 165 40 20
1893 You seem pretty tightly wound! 1.3555 0.03808 256 183 55 18
1894 Most burlesque dancers use a feather boa 1.3554 0.04045 242 176 46 20
1895 Looks like we can rule out asthma. 1.3554 0.03960 242 174 50 18
1896 Any tightness in your chest? Shortness of breath? 1.3553 0.04129 228 165 45 18
1897 I suggest a muscle relaxant . . . for the snake. 1.3552 0.03816 259 186 54 19
1898 You're going to have to speak up. 1.3552 0.03970 259 190 46 23
1899 According to Amazon, when you ordered, you neglected to check the box labeled 'feather.' 1.3551 0.03968 245 177 49 19
1900 No, it’s not a tapeworm. But it’s nothing that a box full of guinea pigs won’t help. 1.3551 0.03925 245 176 51 18
1901 And how much do you weigh without the snake? 1.3551 0.04092 245 180 43 22
1902 Well, the good news, it's not COPD. 1.3551 0.03615 276 196 62 18
1903 What is your chief complaint today? 1.3548 0.03892 248 178 52 18
1904 Your blood test came back fine 1.3548 0.03676 248 173 62 13
1905 Your labs came back fine. 1.3548 0.04071 217 154 49 14
1906 Well, it’s been a year and he hasn’t eaten you yet. 1.3547 0.03639 265 187 62 16
1907 Alternative therapies can sometimes come back to bite you. 1.3547 0.04098 234 170 45 19
1908 It may be a nice pick up line, but 'I've got a python in my pants' is intended to be pure metaphor." 1.3547 0.04053 234 169 47 18
1909 Take two aspirin and a very cold shower. Then Run. 1.3547 0.04098 234 170 45 19
1910 Your blood pressure is on the high side. Do you smoke? 1.3547 0.04098 234 170 45 19
1911 The tightness in your chest is just a minor panic attack... Perhaps due to the python. 1.3546 0.03941 251 182 49 20
1912 It gives more accurate blood pressure reading. 1.3546 0.03859 251 180 53 18
1913 Crestor for cholesterol and a flute for the snake as needed. 1.3546 0.03733 251 177 59 15
1914 You say his name is Monty. 1.3545 0.04134 220 158 46 16
1915 I am prescribing a muscle relaxant for the snake which has worked well in clinical trials. 1.3544 0.03881 237 168 54 15
1916 This prescription should help with the hissing. 1.3544 0.03881 237 168 54 15
1917 Oddly enough, I prescribe snake oil in cases like yours. 1.3544 0.04218 206 147 45 14
1918 First the good news, we have excluded cancer. 1.3543 0.03907 254 184 50 20
1919 And you say you're feeling contractions 1.3543 0.03827 254 182 54 18
1920 And would you say its more of a burning, or a squeezing pain? 1.3543 0.03867 254 183 52 19
1921 Do you have any shortness of breath or pressure in your chest? 1.3543 0.03745 254 180 58 16
1922 I told you which fruits were forbidden, Adam. 1.3543 0.04288 223 164 39 20
1923 So what Garden was that? 1.3543 0.03995 223 158 51 14
1924 ​"On a scale of 1-10 would you say you feel more constricted than last visit?"​ 1.3543 0.03944 223 157 53 13
1925 The good news is that your cancer is in remission. 1.3542 0.03806 271 197 52 22
1926 I’m afraid it’s considered a pre-existing condition, Adam. 1.3542 0.03981 240 173 49 18
1927 OK... Don’t take a deep breath. 1.3542 0.03892 240 171 53 16
1928 So, some good news: you don’t have the flu. 1.3542 0.03981 240 173 49 18
1929 You seem to be wound awfully tight. 1.3542 0.04152 240 177 41 22
1930 So, tell me what's happened to Eve. 1.3541 0.03991 257 189 45 23
1931 I can remove it but it's not covered under your insurance 1.3541 0.03755 257 183 57 17
1932 Well now, tightness in your chest could be due to any number of causes! No need to jump to conclusions. 1.3540 0.04105 226 163 46 17
1933 I’m writing you a prescription for an emotional support mongoose. 1.3539 0.03989 243 176 48 19
1934 Have you traveled out of the country in the past 3 months? 1.3539 0.03859 243 173 54 16
1935 Difficulty breathing. Any other symptoms? 1.3538 0.03685 260 184 60 16
1936 How was your vacation to the Everglades? 1.3537 0.03874 229 161 55 13
1937 Just so you know, our veterinarian specialist is out of network. 1.3537 0.03996 246 179 47 20
1938 Hi, so I’d first like to get to know you a bit, then we can talk about why you’re here today. 1.3537 0.04159 246 183 39 24
1939 I can give you something, but he looks fine to me. 1.3535 0.03987 215 151 52 12
1940 Well, I'm a little concerned about your blood pressure. 1.3535 0.04302 215 157 40 18
1941 Oh? Mambacare? 1.3534 0.04255 232 172 38 22
1942 Tightness in your chest, labored breathing, elevated heart rate......do you use a lot of salt Mr. McCready? 1.3534 0.04030 232 167 48 17
1943 I'm referring you to a herpetologist. I'm not sure what kind of snake that is. 1.3534 0.03837 249 178 54 17
1944 Amazon delivery? 1.3534 0.04082 249 184 42 23
1945 With this medication, you should no longer need that emotional support pet. 1.3534 0.03781 266 192 54 20
1946 Return the mouse and no one gets hurt. 1.3532 0.03947 235 168 51 16
1947 Sorry, you need to make a separate appointment for any new issues. Now tell me more about your cough. 1.3532 0.04038 235 170 47 18
1948 The good news is it's not the poisonous kind. 1.3532 0.03611 235 161 65 9
1949 Take this asp. Print the prescription. Go home and unwind. 1.3532 0.03887 252 182 51 19
1950 No, I do understand, but an emotional support snake is not on the approved list 1.3532 0.03968 252 184 47 21
1951 Well, I see the snake isn’t working. 1.3529 0.03722 272 196 56 20
1952 You better see a pythologist about this." 1.3529 0.03733 255 181 58 16
1953 We don’t see this side effect very often. 1.3529 0.03685 272 195 58 19
1954 I'm writing you a prescription for mice. 1.3529 0.04002 238 172 48 18
1955 Next time just be a bit more careful ordering Monty Python on Amazon. 1.3529 0.03855 255 184 52 19
1956 Well, I think I can explain the tightness in your chest that you're feeling... 1.3529 0.03913 238 170 52 16
1957 I'm prescribing you change from Cobra to Aetna for better coverage. 1.3527 0.04053 258 192 41 25
1958 Well, I think your lifestyle choices are contributing to that tightness you feel in your chest. 1.3527 0.03923 241 173 51 17
1959 I'm going to refer you to a specialist. How long can you hold your breath? 1.3527 0.04010 241 175 47 19
1960 Well, that explains your weight gain." 1.3527 0.04053 241 176 45 20
1961 Before I prescribe this, have you taken rikitikitavidan before? 1.3527 0.04179 241 179 39 23
1962 Sheila is my comfort pet. But lately she has become a bit possessive. 1.3527 0.04419 207 152 37 18
1963 So sorry for the delay. What seems to be the problem? 1.3525 0.03846 244 174 54 16
1964 I’m sorry Mr. Perkins, we don’t accept Mutual of Omaha. 1.3524 0.04230 227 167 40 20
1965 Okay. You can go right ahead and put your shirt back on. 1.3524 0.04425 210 155 36 19
1966 How are you feeling otherwise? 1.3523 0.03800 264 191 53 20
1967 Well, Harry, you did say you wanted an all-natural treatment for constipation” 1.3523 0.03912 264 194 47 23
1968 So what’s wrong with Gladys besides being a bit clingy today? 1.3522 0.03856 247 177 53 17
1969 You were cutting the grass, and then what happened? 1.3522 0.03957 230 164 51 15
1970 Shortness of breath. Anything else? 1.3522 0.03957 230 164 51 15
1971 Unfortunately, I’m not much of a charmer. 1.3522 0.03909 230 163 53 14
1972 Would you say it's more of a sharp pain or a dull ache? 1.3521 0.03541 284 202 64 18
1973 Sir, it is not customary for the pet's owner to disrobe. 1.3520 0.03988 250 183 46 21
1974 So, Mr. Naga, what brings you in today? 1.3520 0.03739 250 177 58 15
1975 The good news is that your blood pressure's back down where we want it 1.3520 0.03866 250 180 52 18
1976 So Mr. Smith, Point to where it hurts. 1.3519 0.03969 233 167 50 16
1977 Have you had any other symptoms? 1.3519 0.04195 233 172 40 21
1978 This do-it-yourself gastric band seems to be working for you. You've lost another 50 pounds. 1.3519 0.03969 233 167 50 16
1979 Worst case of coilitas I've seen 1.3519 0.04015 233 168 48 17
1980 How long have you had trouble breathing? 1.3518 0.03914 253 184 49 20
1981 There's a lot of it going around. 1.3518 0.03994 253 186 45 22
1982 So, how long have you been hearing this hissing sound? 1.3518 0.03833 253 182 53 18
1983 Our tests indicate that you may have picked up a parasite in the Amazon. 1.3518 0.03954 253 185 47 21
1984 And have you visited any tropical regions lately? 1.3518 0.03874 253 183 51 19
1985 I prescribed snake OIL, not snake COIL 1.3517 0.04285 236 177 35 24
1986 Don't worry, Bert is a professional at squeezing the kidney stones right out of you. 1.3517 0.04024 236 171 47 18
1987 The good news is that your chest pain isn’t casused by a heart attack. 1.3516 0.03772 219 151 59 9
1988 I think we know what’s causing your chest tightness. I’d just like to run a few tests.” 1.3516 0.03998 256 189 44 23
1989 It certainly accounts for your high blood pressure. 1.3516 0.03802 256 184 54 18
1990 Do you feel any tightness in your chest? 1.3515 0.03988 239 173 48 18
1991 Shortness of breath, tightness in the chest--I'm thinking heart attack. 1.3515 0.04075 239 175 44 20
1992 I know this is your first”Drag Queen” event, but that’s the wrong Boa! 1.3515 0.04075 239 175 44 20
1993 How long have you been hearing a rattle in your chest." 1.3514 0.03718 276 200 55 21
1994 'Good news. Tests show that you don't have a tapeworm.' 1.3514 0.03691 259 184 59 16
1995 And aside from some tightness in the chest? 1.3514 0.04002 222 158 50 14
1996 Would you say she's your main squeeze? 1.3514 0.03691 259 184 59 16
1997 So for how long has this man been bothering you? 1.3512 0.03996 242 176 47 19
1998 The good news is that you should feel some constriction for a few more minutes, but then you won't feel anything. 1.3512 0.04123 242 179 41 22
1999 We ran out of leeches. 1.3512 0.03996 242 176 47 19
2000 Do you have any other symptoms besides the tightness in your chest? 1.3512 0.03910 242 174 51 17
2001 There’s a lot of that going around. 1.3511 0.04161 225 164 43 18
2002 Shortness of breath??? Are you a smoker? 1.3509 0.03788 265 192 53 20
2003 It's quite slow moving, so come back in a month and we'll see how its progressed. 1.3509 0.03979 228 163 50 15
2004 Next time, get a dog. 1.3509 0.03979 228 163 50 15
2005 You feel a certain tightness in your chest, you say ... 1.3508 0.04010 248 182 45 21
2006 Since you're not feeling any pain, let's just wait and see if it goes away. 1.3506 0.04037 231 167 47 17
2007 Can't believe I'm saying this, but I'm literally prescribing snake oil. 1.3506 0.04084 231 168 45 18
2008 Let's start with the good news. We tested for pancreatitis, and it came back negative. 1.3506 0.04037 231 167 47 17
2009 You're screwed. 1.3506 0.04175 231 170 41 20
2010 So how much Viagra did you take? 1.3506 0.04437 231 176 29 26
2011 I'm sorry but, your insurance doesn't cover pre-existing conditions. 1.3506 0.04015 251 185 44 22
2012 Well you know what they say, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. 1.3506 0.03727 251 178 58 15
2013 Constriction of the chest? Could be a number of things. 1.3506 0.03872 271 200 47 24
2014 I'm sorry to have to tell you, but this is indeed a "mortal coil". 1.3505 0.04260 214 156 41 17
2015 When did you start feeling short of breath? 1.3504 0.04046 234 170 46 18
2016 I have a hunch that a boa constrictor is the cause of your discomfort, but we'll have to run some expensive tests to be sure. 1.3504 0.03738 254 181 57 16
2017 I see you've met Caduceus, our new comfort animal. Do me a favor and don't exhale until I get an orderly in here 1.3504 0.03738 254 181 57 16
2018 Well, the good news is this time it's not an albatross around your neck 1.3504 0.03861 254 184 51 19
2019 There’s something going around. 1.3504 0.03861 254 184 51 19
2020 It says here you're complaining of shortness of breath? 1.3502 0.04141 237 175 41 21
2021 Has it lasted for more than four hours? 1.3502 0.03869 257 187 50 20
2022 On a scale of 1 to 10, what is your pain level right now? 1.3502 0.03829 257 186 52 19
2023 Good news-only one of you has a swallowing problem. 1.3502 0.03749 257 184 56 17
2024 Well, you consented to the use of unorthodox methods, and according to my clinical experience, this is guaranteed to help you quit smoking cigarettes... 1.3500 0.03840 240 171 54 15
2025 I wasn’t sure we could squeeze you in today but, well, you just seemed so wound up when you called... 1.3500 0.04018 240 175 46 19
2026 I'm going to put you on a constricted diet. 1.3500 0.03702 240 168 60 12
2027 Please just use the patient gown, Mr. Reynolds. 1.3498 0.03882 263 193 48 22
2028 Something's going around. 1.3498 0.03852 243 174 53 16
2029 Well, I think I know what's caused that tight feeling in your chest." 1.3498 0.03717 243 171 59 13
2030 Tell him to take two pills and not to coil you in the morning. 1.3498 0.04191 243 182 37 24
2031 You should have gone with the feather one. 1.3498 0.04067 243 179 43 21
2032 It’s been going around...and around....and..around. 1.3498 0.03896 243 175 51 17
2033 Tightness in your chest, can be a symptom of a more serious condition. 1.3496 0.03700 266 191 57 18
2034 This would be easier if you weren’t a member of PETA. 1.3496 0.03850 266 195 49 22
2035 It’s recommended that you remove the snake. That should make you feel better. 1.3496 0.03813 266 194 51 21
2036 I can see you've been under a lot of pressure, lately 1.3496 0.03738 266 192 55 19
2037 The good news is: it's not herpes. But I do recommend you go see a herpetologist. 1.3496 0.04153 246 184 38 24
2038 Relax. It's probably just something that ate you. 1.3496 0.03906 246 178 50 18
2039 So, can you describe your chest pains? 1.3496 0.03820 246 176 54 16
2040 Do you have any tightness in your chest? 1.3496 0.04145 226 165 43 18
2041 Says here you were running naked through the jungle, is that correct? 1.3496 0.04049 226 163 47 16
2042 Don't search online. It's almost never cancer. 1.3494 0.03746 269 195 54 20
2043 So you say you're feeling a little pressure? 1.3494 0.03955 249 182 47 20
2044 It says here that you've been complaining about some tightness in your chest, correct? 1.3494 0.03914 249 181 49 19
2045 We'll be more certain once the test results come in. 1.3494 0.04116 249 186 39 24
2046 Bad case of reptile malfunction. 1.3493 0.04153 229 168 42 19
2047 It may feel uncomfortable at first, but we're committed to this new natural way of taking blood pressure. 1.3493 0.04153 229 168 42 19
2048 So how long have you had this shortness of breath? 1.3493 0.04244 229 170 38 21
2049 It looks like we'll have to delay your colonoscopy. 1.3493 0.04244 229 170 38 21
2050 I strongly suggest you take precautions during mating season 1.3492 0.04041 252 187 42 23
2051 I recommend that you switch to a feather boa. 1.3492 0.03757 252 180 56 16
2052 Yeah, it's been going around a lot of people lately. 1.3492 0.03921 252 184 48 20
2053 It says here you are in a phobia treatment program. 1.3491 0.04023 232 168 47 17
2054 And then I want you to put on the gown so that it's open in the back. 1.3491 0.04114 232 170 43 19
2055 Ok, good news first. I think we know what is causing your sleep apnea. 1.3490 0.03726 255 182 57 16
2056 If you could just slip out of that I'll take a look. 1.3490 0.03513 255 177 67 11
2057 Take the diazepam tonight and the mongoose in the morning. 1.3489 0.03894 235 168 52 15
2058 This is the one case where snake oil will help 1.3489 0.03941 235 169 50 16
2059 And what’s the last thing you remember after you took the Ambien? 1.3489 0.04077 235 172 44 19
2060 I'm prescribing a mild sedative for your pet python's separation anxiety. 1.3488 0.03856 258 188 50 20
2061 I see here that you have a complaint of tightness in your chest? 1.3487 0.03860 238 170 53 15
2062 Any known allergy to mongooses, Mr. Williams? 1.3487 0.03996 238 173 47 18
2063 Any difficulty breathing? 1.3487 0.04083 238 175 43 20
2064 Sorry, your insurance only covers snake bites 1.3487 0.04254 238 179 35 24
2065 Well Mr Tiles I can do your procedure your still covered under Cobra 1.3487 0.03747 261 188 55 18
2066 Fortunately, your test results show that it is a python, not an anaconda. 1.3487 0.03786 261 189 53 19
2067 Constricted breath, difficulty exercising, sudden hissing. My diagnosis is asthma. 1.3487 0.03901 261 192 47 22
2068 pressure getting to you? 1.3487 0.03707 261 187 57 17
2069 Thanks for squeezing me in Doc. 1.3486 0.04350 218 162 36 20
2070 Yes, an inability to touch one's toes is of some concern, but I don't think you're seeing the entire picture, Mr. Smith. 1.3485 0.04004 241 176 46 19
2071 Well, yes, I did say to wear a compression garment after your liposuction...... 1.3485 0.03872 241 173 52 16
2072 So everything's fine aside from that? 1.3485 0.03827 241 172 54 15
2073 I think it's time to consider a less restrictive weight loss program. 1.3484 0.03839 244 175 53 16
2074 Good thing it already ate. 1.3484 0.03926 244 177 49 18
2075 I'm thinking this concludes our little experiment with homeopathy. 1.3484 0.03969 244 178 47 19
2076 Other than the strep throat was there any other problem you wanted to discuss? 1.3483 0.03838 267 196 49 22
2077 Think of it as a comfort animal. 1.3482 0.03819 224 157 56 11
2078 I'm sorry Mr. Jones, your insurance wouldn't cover the back brace, so this was the best that we could do. 1.3480 0.04292 204 148 41 15
2079 When did you start feeling this tightness in your chest? 1.3480 0.04035 227 164 47 16
2080 And what brings you in here today, Mr. Smith? 1.3480 0.04035 227 164 47 16
2081 You say it came on right after you bit from the apple? 1.3480 0.03901 250 182 49 19
2082 I’m referring you to a great couples therapist I know. 1.3480 0.03942 250 183 47 20
2083 Do you want me to pull it off fast or slow? 1.3480 0.03632 273 196 59 18
2084 The generic snake oil works just as well. 1.3478 0.04183 230 170 40 20
2085 Symptoms include shortness of breath, overall joint pain and paranoia. Anything else? 1.3478 0.03908 253 185 48 20
2086 I recommend you take a couple days off, get away to someplace nice, and try to unwind. 1.3478 0.03998 230 166 48 16
2087 I did tell you there might be side effects... 1.3478 0.04228 230 171 38 21
2088 I'd follow her lead and just eat the apple next time, Adam. 1.3478 0.03908 253 185 48 20
2089 I’ll need him to turn his head and slough. 1.3478 0.03998 230 166 48 16
2090 Well, I don’t think it’s ringworm 1.3477 0.03505 279 198 65 16
2091 That’s OK. We can take your pulse at your ankle. 1.3477 0.03714 256 183 57 16
2092 So, for 'emergency contact' - your wife or your main squeeze? 1.3476 0.03962 233 168 49 16
2093 After looking at your MRI, I think we’ve finally identified what’s causing that tightness in your chest. 1.3476 0.04054 233 170 45 18
2094 Yeah. I've been up for 72 hours. Just tell me your problem. 1.3476 0.04008 233 169 47 17
2095 This feeling of being suffocated might not just be in your head. 1.3476 0.04189 233 173 39 21
2096 I'm glad you stopped smoking, but I still hear a little rattle in your chest 1.3476 0.03962 233 168 49 16
2097 Sorry Howard, since Trump took office millions of swamp creatures have been coming out of hiding and heading for DC. 1.3476 0.03962 233 168 49 16
2098 So, you’re having difficulty swallowing... 1.3475 0.03882 259 190 48 21
2099 In time, you'll forget you even have a gastric band. 1.3475 0.03972 236 171 48 17
2100 When did you notice breathing difficulties? 1.3473 0.03851 262 192 49 21
2101 And then Eve just dropped the apple and ran. 1.3473 0.03926 262 194 45 23
2102 Take a deep breath for me 1.3473 0.04112 239 177 41 21
2103 We're going to need to run some tests. 1.3473 0.03982 239 174 47 18
2104 Unfortunately, this will not stay in Vegas. 1.3473 0.04361 239 183 29 27
2105 Shortness of breath and wheezing. Okay, I'm gonna run some tests. 1.3471 0.04158 242 181 38 23
2106 This prescription for your reptile dysfunction might lead to muscle ache. Are you okay with that? 1.3471 0.03947 242 176 48 18
2107 I have a better solution for your constipation 1.3471 0.04033 242 178 44 20
2108 I'm sorry sir, but the side effects were clearly stated in the television commercial. 1.3471 0.03990 242 177 46 19
2109 Henry, when my nurse asked you to bring in your cobra details, I don’t think she had this in mind! 1.3468 0.03943 222 158 51 13
2110 I wish I could help you but this is a pre-existing condition. 1.3468 0.03891 222 157 53 12
2111 I’m sorry, but without a referral from the vet... 1.3468 0.03879 248 180 50 18
2112 It seems you’ve been under a lot of pressure lately. 1.3468 0.03707 248 176 58 14
2113 I’m putting you on a constricted diet. 1.3468 0.03618 248 174 62 12
2114 Good news, Mr Jones...all the tests came back negative." 1.3468 0.03837 248 179 52 17
2115 How do you spell Eve? 1.3467 0.03730 274 200 53 21
2116 It's not your colon. 1.3467 0.03766 274 201 51 22
2117 Springtime in the everglades, my busiest time of the year. 1.3467 0.03958 225 161 50 14
2118 The good news is we can remove the mole on your cheek! 1.3467 0.03958 225 161 50 14
2119 Contact in case of emergency? 1.3466 0.04048 251 187 41 23
2120 So you weren't lying when you told me about your 'ereptile' dysfunction. 1.3466 0.03847 251 182 51 18
2121 So tell me, when did you first notice the constriction" 1.3466 0.03720 251 179 57 15
2122 So you had no idea your emotional support animal was afraid of flying? 1.3466 0.04048 251 187 41 23
2123 Now, I've got to ask this : have you been travelling ? 1.3465 0.03922 228 163 51 14
2124 Good news - you're not dying from cancer! 1.3465 0.04115 228 167 43 18
2125 Sir, I believe the nurse asked you to put on the gown. 1.3465 0.03895 254 186 48 20
2126 Not as charming as you thought, ey? 1.3465 0.03774 254 183 54 17
2127 How soon after you ate the apple did the pain occur? 1.3463 0.04030 231 168 46 17
2128 So Monte, when did you first notice the python? 1.3463 0.04077 231 169 44 18
2129 I have concluded your shortage of breath is not caused by any internal problem. 1.3463 0.03619 257 182 61 14
2130 How long have you been together? 1.3463 0.03702 257 184 57 16
2131 So you say you are feeling some tightness in your chest? 1.3462 0.04129 234 173 41 20
2132 Let's have you try the extended release capsule. 1.3462 0.03757 234 165 57 12
2133 Well sir, I have some crushing news. 1.3462 0.03901 234 168 51 15
2134 And also on a scale of 1 to 10, how difficult would you say it is to breathe? 1.3462 0.03831 260 190 50 20
2135 Looks like your coverage is good. 1.3460 0.03658 289 212 54 23
2136 Your penile enlargement procedure with snake stem cells went extremely well, now we just have to do little trimming 1.3460 0.04178 237 177 38 22
2137 Where does it hurt? 1.3460 0.03958 237 172 48 17
2138 First of all, don't exhale. 1.3460 0.03867 237 170 52 15
2139 It’s gonna take some time to unravel what’s bothering you. 1.3460 0.03958 237 172 48 17
2140 I think I've identified your respiratory problem. 1.3460 0.03913 237 171 50 16
2141 We can deal with the constrictions but those pale white legs are worrying me. 1.3460 0.03958 237 172 48 17
2142 I need you to stand up, touch your toes and cough. 1.3460 0.04047 237 174 44 19
2143 The good news is I've isolated the cause of your constricted breathing. 1.3460 0.03913 237 171 50 16
2144 You might want to consider getting a different type of therapy animal. 1.3459 0.03881 266 197 46 23
2145 So, trouble breathing, a tightness in your chest and abdomen. Anything else? 1.3458 0.03968 240 175 47 18
2146 Take two of these at bedtime, and try not to look delicious. 1.3458 0.03986 214 152 50 12
2147 First of all, we need to remove that mouse tattoo from your chest. 1.3457 0.03814 269 198 49 22
2148 Your insurance no longer covers emotional support reptiles. 1.3457 0.03890 243 176 50 17
2149 So its a yes to “been to places where large snakes are common”. 1.3456 0.04002 217 155 49 13
2150 I am prescribing myself an anti-psychotic as I appear to be having an hallucination. 1.3455 0.03856 246 178 51 17
2151 I've only seen one previous case and it didn't end well. 1.3455 0.03725 246 175 57 14
2152 And what might be the problem today? 1.3455 0.03769 246 176 55 15
2153 Besides this, how was your Costa Rica ziplining experience? 1.3455 0.03941 246 180 47 19
2154 "Have you recently traveled abroad? 1.3455 0.04169 220 161 42 17
2155 Good news. The snake is not venomous. 1.3455 0.03912 220 156 52 12
2156 Do you have a family history of constriction?" 1.3455 0.03646 275 199 57 19
2157 On the bright side, it’s not poisonous, 1.3454 0.03738 249 178 56 15
2158 Relax, we wait until he realizes you’re too big to swallow 1.3454 0.03781 249 179 54 16
2159 Any tightness around your chest area? 1.3454 0.03866 249 181 50 18
2160 What concerns me is that it didn't show up on your last colonoscopy 1.3453 0.04226 223 165 39 19
2161 Sure I've seen this before. Just not with that kind of snake. 1.3453 0.03929 223 159 51 13
2162 And when did you first notice the feeling of constriction? 1.3452 0.03915 252 185 47 20
2163 Either of you allergic to muscle relaxers? 1.3452 0.03750 252 181 55 16
2164 Yes, tightness in the chest...what other symptoms? 1.3451 0.04090 226 165 44 17
2165 So how have your bowel movements been? 1.3451 0.03882 255 187 48 20
2166 To be on the safe side, I'm ordering an angiogram—a tightness in the chest can never be ignored. 1.3450 0.04192 229 170 39 20
2167 Are you sure this was consensual? 1.3450 0.03771 258 187 53 18
2168 When did she develop this crush on you? 1.3450 0.03771 258 187 53 18
2169 Breathe normally 1.3449 0.03608 287 209 57 21
2170 I’ll have to order some tests, of course, but I think you may be being strangled by a python. 1.3448 0.03857 261 192 48 21
2171 I’ll prescribe a lotion for that scaly skin. Any other changes since your last visit? 1.3448 0.03857 261 192 48 21
2172 Keep it wrapped two more days. 1.3448 0.03780 261 190 52 19
2173 I don't want you to be rattled. 1.3448 0.03857 261 192 48 21
2174 Of course we’ll have to do some tests, but I have an idea what the problem might be 1.3447 0.03979 235 171 47 17
2175 We're waiting for a second opinion from your vet. 1.3445 0.03760 238 169 56 13
2176 Any family history of poisonous snakes wrapped around the torso? 1.3445 0.04479 209 157 32 20
2177 Snake oil is snake oil, whether you buy it bottled or harvest it yourself. 1.3444 0.03802 270 199 49 22
2178 Bob, you've just got to learn to unwind. 1.3444 0.03578 270 193 61 16
2179 Would you mind filling out a short survey about your visit today? 1.3444 0.03910 241 175 49 17
2180 First, a few questions. What seems to be your problem? 1.3444 0.04040 241 178 43 20
2181 Have you been on a plane recently? 1.3444 0.04083 241 179 41 21
2182 I can't confirm what's causing your shortness of breath until I get the MRI results. 1.3443 0.03772 273 201 50 22
2183 The good news is that your trouble breathing is not asthma. 1.3443 0.03788 244 175 54 15
2184 The prognosis gives you another three minutes. 1.3443 0.03919 244 178 48 18
2185 Your insurance won’t cover removal. The South American boa constrictor is out of network. 1.3443 0.04046 244 181 42 21
2186 I see why you would think that, but we will need to see the test results in a few days. 1.3442 0.03671 276 201 55 20
2187 Snake oil, but your insurance won't cover it. 1.3442 0.04131 215 156 44 15
2188 Believe it or not, I'm going to write you a script for snake oil. 1.3442 0.04184 215 157 42 16
2189 It's cheaper just to let nature take it's course. 1.3441 0.03800 247 178 53 16
2190 On the plus side, your cholesterol is down. 1.3441 0.03679 279 204 54 21
2191 Yes I did remove an unwanted mole for your brother, but I think you may have misunderstood 1.3440 0.04092 218 158 45 15
2192 On a scale of 1-10 how hard is he squeezing? 1.3440 0.03811 250 181 52 17
2193 I'm going to need to run some tests... 1.3439 0.04347 221 166 34 21
2194 Can you point to where you're feeling the pressure? 1.3439 0.03738 253 182 55 16
2195 The good news is the x-rays show he's eaten recently, so come back in about a week and we'll take another look. 1.3439 0.03821 253 184 51 18
2196 It's not the coil I meant for birth control but who am I to argue with what works. 1.3439 0.03862 253 185 49 19
2197 Do you have any constrictions I should know about? 1.3438 0.03914 224 160 51 13
2198 This delusion you say you have about snakes. Can you elaborate? 1.3438 0.04114 224 164 43 17
2199 You say he's not eating? 1.3438 0.04065 224 163 45 16
2200 Just be happy you didn't have to see the proctologist for this. 1.3438 0.03870 256 188 48 20
2201 Can you sign this release form? 1.3436 0.03838 259 190 49 20
2202 Are you having any other breathing problems 1.3436 0.04262 227 170 36 21
2203 Tylenol 3s for you, and a wart hog for your friend. 1.3435 0.03689 262 189 56 17
2204 No exceptions. I need the insurance card first. 1.3435 0.03768 262 191 52 19
2205 I understand you feel some tightness. 1.3435 0.03650 262 188 58 16
2206 My advice? That you forget about Fifi and let pythons be pythons. 1.3435 0.03768 262 191 52 19
2207 We are all wrapped up here, just go home and unwind. 1.3435 0.03768 262 191 52 19
2208 Your pressure and heart rate seem elevated. Is anything causing you stress? 1.3435 0.04084 230 169 43 18
2209 The good news is your erectile dysfunction has resolved itself. 1.3435 0.04311 230 174 33 23
2210 Unfortunately, according to your policy, this falls under pre-existing condition 1.3435 0.03894 230 165 51 14
2211 Will your friend also be getting the flu shot today? 1.3435 0.04038 230 168 45 17
2212 Switch to a feather version and your chest pain should clear right up. 1.3435 0.03990 230 167 47 16
2213 What goes around, comes around. 1.3435 0.04131 230 170 41 19
2214 Lets see what the lab and x-rays show. 1.3434 0.03961 265 199 41 25
2215 These attachment disorders can be tricky. 1.3433 0.03763 233 165 56 12
2216 I'm going to give you a subscription for a small deer. 1.3433 0.04182 233 174 38 21
2217 Okay, I will note in the chart you have 'killer abs'. 1.3432 0.03919 236 171 49 16
2218 It's the original pre-existing condition. 1.3432 0.03753 271 199 51 21
2219 And we’ll get you some lotion for those scales. 1.3431 0.03652 239 168 60 11
2220 They’re just having some fun with you at the gastroenterology clinic. This isn’t the colonoscopy snake. 1.3431 0.03840 239 172 52 15
2221 You might experience some tightness when swallowing. 1.3431 0.03840 239 172 52 15
2222 We may have to perform a Coilonoscopy. 1.3431 0.04019 239 176 44 19
2223 So for the first two weeks you just assumed it was your mother? 1.3430 0.04026 242 179 43 20
2224 And when did the tightness begin? 1.3430 0.03940 242 177 47 18
2225 Let's see, yup... you're covered for the removal, but not for the disposal. 1.3429 0.03775 245 176 54 15
2226 My diagnosis , " you are a riddle , inside an enigma , wrapped in a python ". 1.3429 0.03597 280 203 58 19
2227 Stop wearing the Boa . It’s much too constricting . 1.3429 0.04197 210 153 42 15
2228 Come back and see me in two weeks if things don’t loosen up 1.3429 0.03451 245 169 68 8
2229 It's the new treatment for constipation... 1.3429 0.03991 245 181 44 20
2230 Take two vermin and see me in a week. 1.3427 0.03830 248 180 51 17
2231 Is it a choking sensation or just a tightness in the chest? 1.3427 0.03915 248 182 47 19
2232 You’re suffering from constrictive heart failure 1.3427 0.03787 248 179 53 16
2233 Have you traveled abroad lately? 1.3427 0.04038 248 185 41 22
2234 Give him three mice daily and pray that he molts you soon. 1.3426 0.03881 251 184 48 19
2235 Bella, I told you not to hug the patients without their consent! 1.3426 0.03922 251 185 46 20
2236 On the other hand, a squeezing feeling in the chest is often the first symptom of a heart attack. 1.3425 0.03889 254 187 47 20
2237 All of your test results are finally back and I think I have pinpointed the cause of your tightness of the chest. 1.3425 0.03889 254 187 47 20
2238 It DOES appear to be a snake, alright. The Herpetologist can see you next Thursday... 1.3425 0.03929 254 188 45 21
2239 This is why Lady Gaga went with the meat dress. 1.3424 0.03896 257 190 46 21
2240 And you say it only hurts when you breathe?" 1.3424 0.03817 257 188 50 19
2241 I'm prescribing a muscle relaxant. 1.3424 0.03737 257 186 54 17
2242 Have you recently traveled to any tropical countries? 1.3424 0.03777 257 187 52 18
2243 and...have you traveled to any foreign countries lately? 1.3424 0.03777 257 187 52 18
2244 I’m going to write you a prescription for flute lessons. 1.3424 0.03777 257 187 52 18
2245 What about shortness of breath? 1.3423 0.03786 260 190 51 19
2246 Lots of men recoil before the prostate exam. 1.3423 0.03940 260 194 43 23
2247 You’re sure? No feeling of tightness in your chest? 1.3422 0.03900 225 161 51 13
2248 Seems like you're under a lot of pressure. Just take some time off to unwind. 1.3422 0.03557 263 187 62 14
2249 Let me guess. You’re boarding a plane soon, you can’t get the snake off you, so you want a prescription for an emotional-support animal. 1.3422 0.03870 263 195 46 22
2250 There’s nothing wrong with you medically. If it bites you, be sure to come right back. 1.3421 0.04200 228 170 38 20
2251 If we aren’t seeing results by next month another option could be the lap-band. 1.3421 0.03964 228 165 48 15
2252 Have you two always been this tight? 1.3421 0.03726 266 194 53 19
2253 I'm not sure if it's a boa or a python. I'm going to go ahead and send you to a herpetologist. 1.3420 0.04161 231 172 39 20
2254 Your blood pressure isn’t where I’d like it to be. 1.3420 0.03976 231 168 47 16
2255 You’ll need to see if your insurance covers the mongoose. 1.3420 0.03831 231 165 53 13
2256 And I'm giving you some time off so you can unwind a bit 1.3420 0.03880 231 166 51 14
2257 I see he’s your main squeeze. Any other partners? 1.3420 0.03880 231 166 51 14
2258 This is actually one of the oldest constipation remedies on the books. 1.3419 0.04122 234 174 40 20
2259 Yes, this is fairly common from an emotional support animal. 1.3419 0.03987 234 171 46 17
2260 And how is Eve doing? I haven't seen her in a while. 1.3419 0.03893 234 169 50 15
2261 Never thought I’d be prescribing snake oil! 1.3419 0.03987 234 171 46 17
2262 The good news is that it's not asthma or COPD. 1.3418 0.03718 237 168 57 12
2263 One side effect is you wind up looking like a poop emoji with legs 1.3418 0.03996 237 174 45 18
2264 Abdominal pain, shortness of breath. I have a couple of theories. 1.3418 0.03996 237 174 45 18
2265 Ordinarily, a tapeworm is diagnosed well before this stage. 1.3418 0.03860 237 171 51 15
2266 We'll skip the 'turn your head and cough' thing this year, OK? 1.3418 0.03906 237 172 49 16
2267 I'm not sure you're covered. 1.3418 0.03718 237 168 57 12
2268 Other then "constricted breathing" have you experienced any other symptoms? 1.3417 0.03781 240 172 54 14
2269 So you say you're having some tightness in the chest? 1.3417 0.03826 240 173 52 15
2270 A couple of mice a day and your constriction should go away 1.3417 0.03640 240 169 60 11
2271 You say you're being terminated. Have you considered getting COBRA? 1.3417 0.04091 240 179 40 21
2272 Sorry, but I still have to rule out a prostate problem. 1.3416 0.03883 243 177 49 17
2273 Tightness of the chest, neck, back, and arms as well as fatigue and anxiety... classic symptoms of a heart attack. 1.3416 0.03749 243 174 55 14
2274 If it was a snake it would have bit you 1.3416 0.04096 243 182 39 22
2275 It appears you caught this on your recent trip to the Amazon rain forest 1.3416 0.03969 243 179 45 19
2276 Insurance makes us fill these out. Question 1: What are your symptoms? 1.3416 0.03883 243 177 49 17
2277 So you’re from Florida? 1.3416 0.03926 243 178 47 18
2278 So, would you say the new therapy boa is alleviating or exacerbating your anxiety? 1.3415 0.03850 246 179 50 17
2279 Heart rate and cholesterol levels are fine. Any tension at home or on the job that might be causing this pressure? 1.3415 0.03850 246 179 50 17
2280 I took an oath, Mr. Curran: First, do no charm. 1.3414 0.03901 249 183 47 19
2281 I'm putting you on adderall 1.3414 0.03983 249 185 43 21
2282 I can give him some Valium for now, but he really needs anger management. 1.3414 0.03817 249 181 51 17
2283 Oh, it's a surprisingly common mistake, but I'm a HEPatologist not a HERPetologist 1.3414 0.03731 249 179 55 15
2284 I’m going to try you on snake oil. 1.3413 0.03949 252 187 44 21
2285 So your tests are back and I think we know what's causing the elevated blood pressure. 1.3413 0.03526 252 177 64 11
2286 Give her a muscle relaxer twice a day and maybe she won't be so clingy. 1.3413 0.03786 252 183 52 17
2287 Your blood pressure's a little high, but otherwise, I see no problem. 1.3413 0.03827 252 184 50 18
2288 Yes, you can keep the python on in the shower. 1.3412 0.04234 211 155 40 16
2289 You should have specified a "feather" boa. 1.3412 0.03672 255 183 57 15
2290 Everyone will feel better if you'd just learn to unwind. 1.3412 0.03755 255 185 53 17
2291 Whatever you googled i’m telling you it’s a sore throat. 1.3410 0.04151 217 159 42 16
2292 As your veterinarian I wouldn't worry about your python. When you leave here I suggest you visit your doctor ASAP. 1.3410 0.03851 261 193 47 21
2293 So if I understand you correctly, you were wearing a Mickey Mouse t-shirt? 1.3409 0.03627 264 190 58 16
2294 I don't think your insurance covers this. 1.3409 0.03782 264 194 50 20
2295 Everything looks fine physically, but you appear to have attachment issues with your pet. 1.3409 0.04111 220 161 43 16
2296 This procedure will empty your bowel in no time and reduce your waist size by up to 5 inches. 1.3408 0.03676 267 194 55 18
2297 My prescription is to to have a rat tossed in front of him. Then run like like hell the other way> 1.3408 0.03863 267 199 45 23
2298 The x-rays do show some minor constriction. 1.3407 0.03494 270 192 64 14
2299 I'm prescribing you Adderrall. 1.3407 0.03832 270 201 46 23
2300 Emergency Contact? 1.3407 0.03885 226 162 51 13
2301 How long have you had this numbness in your feet? 1.3407 0.03834 226 161 53 12
2302 I’m very sorry, sir, but your insurance company doesn’t consider the removal medically necessary. 1.3406 0.03949 229 166 48 15
2303 Your relationship with the snake ... symbiotic or adversarial? 1.3406 0.03737 276 204 50 22
2304 Tightening in the chest, huh? OK, take off your snake and we'll have a look. 1.3405 0.04054 232 171 43 18
2305 Wheezing, chest pressure, anxiety. I’m going with the most obvious: asthma. 1.3405 0.04322 232 177 31 24
2306 Please state your reason for visiting the office today." 1.3405 0.03961 232 169 47 16
2307 Well, we'll need some snake oil to get you out of this. 1.3404 0.03832 235 169 52 14
2308 I’m sorry, but without his consent my hands are tied. 1.3404 0.03926 235 171 48 16
2309 Don’t worry, you’ll shed it in 3-5 days. 1.3404 0.03972 235 172 46 17
2310 Yes, I can certainly certify him as a comfort cobra. 1.3404 0.04063 235 174 42 19
2311 Yes it's somewhat rare, but it is listed by the manufacturer as a possible side effect." 1.3404 0.03576 282 205 58 19
2312 When did you start having trouble breathing? 1.3404 0.03880 235 170 50 15
2313 So you would say your breathing feels constricted? 1.3403 0.03705 238 169 57 12
2314 I see your weight shot up 30 pounds since your last check up. Has something changed in your daily routine, Mr. Humphries? 1.3403 0.04026 238 176 43 19
2315 I think I can remove it. If not, I’ll waive the co-pay. 1.3403 0.03800 238 171 53 14
2316 It's all fun and games Adam, until someone gets hurt 1.3402 0.04076 241 180 40 21
2317 Mr. Moskowitz , we’ll slide you right out when it’s finished digesting Mrs. Moskowitz. 1.3402 0.04076 241 180 40 21
2318 Well, new pets do tend, as a rule, to be a bit clingy. 1.3402 0.03768 241 173 54 14
2319 I said to RESTRICT your diet. 1.3402 0.03768 241 173 54 14
2320 You were only supposed to use the oil. 1.3402 0.03869 244 178 49 17
2321 Vitals are good. Any trouble swallowing? 1.3402 0.03736 244 175 55 14
2322 So chest tightness.... anything else! 1.3401 0.03836 247 180 50 17
2323 okay....so other than the tightness in your chest.... 1.3401 0.03793 247 179 52 16
2324 It's what's going around these days. 1.3401 0.03793 247 179 52 16
2325 The good news is, we found out what's causing your sore throat 1.3400 0.03719 250 180 55 15
2326 You know, they can make these with feathers. 1.3400 0.03888 250 184 47 19
2327 So when did you first start noticing this? 1.3399 0.03773 253 184 52 17
2328 Tightness in chest... do you smoke? 1.3399 0.03976 253 189 42 22
2329 I'm sorry, but the emotional support python may be exacerbating your hypertension. 1.3399 0.03773 253 184 52 17
2330 Besides 'difficulty in breathing,' do you have any other complaints? 1.3399 0.03773 253 184 52 17
2331 Yes, I realize that I recommended compression. 1.3399 0.03646 253 181 58 14
2332 I recommend you see a herpetologist. 1.3398 0.03660 256 184 57 15
2333 Pressure in your chest and difficulty breathing? It's probably nothing, but I'll order an EKG. 1.3398 0.03701 256 185 55 16
2334 Easy mistake...although I'm surprised you didn't notice the lack of feathers. 1.3398 0.04022 259 196 38 25
2335 So, Mr. Anders, what brings you to my office today? 1.3398 0.03870 259 192 46 21
2336 Listen, I know I'm only. medical student, but I think I know what's causing your chest pain. 1.3398 0.03672 259 187 56 16
2337 And when did you first experience shortness of breath? 1.3398 0.03631 259 186 58 15
2338 Any symptoms other than tightness of the chest? 1.3397 0.04205 209 153 41 15
2339 There is no reason to be concerned. Shedding its skin is normal. 1.3397 0.03800 262 193 49 20
2340 So you say you’ve been feeling constricted. And about how long does that feeling usually last? 1.3396 0.03814 268 199 47 22
2341 The x-ray shows a slight bowel constriction. 1.3394 0.04135 218 160 42 16
2342 Sir, your comfort snake is really just trying to eat you. 1.3394 0.04083 218 159 44 15
2343 We’ve found that squeezing every last penny out of you is more palatable than affixing leeches to suck you dry. 1.3394 0.04145 221 163 41 17
2344 Let's get you down to radiology for a second opinion. 1.3393 0.04007 224 163 46 15
2345 I assume you brought someone to drive you home. 1.3393 0.03854 224 160 52 12
2346 Tightness in the chest... feelings of impending doom... I’ll have to run a few tests first, but, yes, it could be cardiac in nature. 1.3393 0.04057 224 164 44 16
2347 Think that’s bad? You should see the old lady who swallowed the fly. 1.3393 0.04057 224 164 44 16
2348 Any chest pains? Palpitations? Shortness of breath? 1.3392 0.03921 227 164 49 14
2349 As Morty’s veterinarian, I can tell you that everything looks totally normal. 1.3391 0.04169 230 172 38 20
2350 Looks like your cortisol levels are a little high. 1.3391 0.04214 230 173 36 21
2351 I think that your erectile dysnfuntion might be a synptom of a much larger problem. 1.3391 0.03983 230 168 46 16
2352 You'll need to see a sssspecialist. 1.3391 0.03837 230 165 52 13
2353 So, the nurse tells me you're experiencing a tightness in your chest. 1.3391 0.04040 233 172 43 18
2354 When his skin starts to shed, give him these pills twice a day. 1.3391 0.03900 233 169 49 15
2355 You describe a "squeezing sensation" in your chest area. I'm ordering a full cardiac work-up. 1.3391 0.04130 233 174 39 20
2356 When did you first notice the hissing sound in your left ear? 1.3390 0.03912 236 172 48 16
2357 You say you're feeling constipated? 1.3389 0.03923 239 175 47 17
2358 Take two hampsters every four hours and call me in the morning. 1.3389 0.04012 239 177 43 19
2359 How long have you been hearing this strange hissing sound? 1.3389 0.03968 239 176 45 18
2360 Don't worry, it's not venomous. 1.3389 0.03786 239 172 53 14
2361 If you'll take off your snake, we can get on with the exam. 1.3389 0.03968 239 176 45 18
2362 I think I can help you, but I'm afraid your friend has already been digested. 1.3389 0.03878 239 174 49 16
2363 Believe me, even with this prescription, the airlines are not going to let you board. 1.3389 0.04098 239 179 39 21
2364 A lot of that going around. 1.3388 0.03933 242 178 46 18
2365 When exactly did you start to notice a tightness in the chest? 1.3388 0.03889 242 177 48 17
2366 Now I can prescribe you meds but I think this is more of a lifestyle change. 1.3388 0.03800 242 175 52 15
2367 Apply the oil twice a day, and yes, it's really called that. 1.3388 0.03889 242 177 48 17
2368 Mr. Jones, I'm a hematologist, and what you really need to see is a herpetologist." 1.3388 0.03709 242 173 56 13
2369 Well, your blood pressure seems OK; now if you hop down, I'll have him take your temperature. 1.3388 0.04189 245 187 33 25
2370 So, Adam, how have things been since the divorce? 1.3387 0.03866 248 182 48 18
2371 I know you're on a diet, but your asp keeps getting bigger. 1.3387 0.04229 248 191 30 27
2372 Its messy. There's Eve, God and the whole HMO thing 1.3387 0.03823 248 181 50 17
2373 Tightness of chest is a common symptom of boa constriction. 1.3387 0.03908 248 183 46 19
2374 Well that just about wraps it up. 1.3387 0.03866 248 182 48 18
2375 When you wrote down that you were in a toxic relationship, I just thought.... 1.3387 0.03649 248 177 58 13
2376 We no longer recommend an apple a day. 1.3386 0.03833 251 184 49 18
2377 Swallow one mouse and call me in the morning. 1.3386 0.03843 254 187 48 19
2378 Any recent changes in your health? 1.3386 0.03843 254 187 48 19
2379 Any tightness in your chest or difficulty breathing" 1.3385 0.03851 257 190 47 20
2380 I don't often get the chance to prescribe a snake repellent, but here goes. 1.3385 0.03619 260 187 58 15
2381 So Adam how's Eve been 1.3385 0.03780 260 191 50 19
2382 Obviously with this condition you'll want to avoid driving or operating heavy machinery... 1.3385 0.03660 260 188 56 16
2383 We’ve been seeing this going around a lot lately. 1.3383 0.03643 266 193 56 17
2384 Either let go of the human or we are going to shoot you full of muscle relaxer. Your choice. 1.3383 0.03653 269 196 55 18
2385 Okay, but I'm not prescribing you any more emotional support rabbits. 1.3381 0.04296 210 156 37 17
2386 -and then you took a bite of an apple. And then, Adam, what happened next? 1.3381 0.04078 210 152 45 13
2387 How did this happen, last time I saw you were completely wrapped up in yourself. 1.3381 0.03509 281 203 61 17
2388 Let's see if we can figure out this hissing noise keeping you up all night 1.3380 0.03984 213 153 48 12
2389 The good news is your ECG is fine. That's not what's causing the tightness in your chest 1.3380 0.04253 213 158 38 17
2390 The mice don’t seem to be working. I’m prescribing weasels. 1.3380 0.03692 284 211 50 23
2391 ...or is it: “FEED a cold, and STARVE a snake...?” 1.3380 0.04093 213 155 44 14
2392 And when did you get into Monty Python? 1.3380 0.04355 213 160 34 19
2393 Do you feel any tightness in the chest area? 1.3380 0.03836 216 153 53 10
2394 Let's start with some blood thinners and a bunch of mice. 1.3379 0.03963 219 158 48 13
2395 Anything in particular making you tense? 1.3378 0.03979 222 161 47 14
2396 Sorry, but this is considered a pre existing condition. 1.3378 0.04139 225 167 40 18
2397 I think I know what’s causing the shortness of breath, but I want to get an X-ray. 1.3378 0.04139 225 167 40 18
2398 There are better ways to clear a frog from your throat 1.3378 0.04090 225 166 42 17
2399 I think you need to unwind a little... 1.3377 0.03598 228 159 61 8
2400 So, what seems to be your problem? 1.3377 0.03872 231 167 50 14
2401 Cramps, perspiration, heaviness of breath...so basically the same side effects as your last medication? 1.3377 0.04108 231 172 40 19
2402 OK chest pressure, difficulty breathing and numbness in arms and legs. When did you first notice these symptoms?" 1.3377 0.03968 231 169 46 16
2403 If by long term, you’re including lunch— No, I don’t think I’d be planning that far ahead. 1.3376 0.03944 237 174 46 17
2404 This is why we don’ t recommend “home remedy” colonoscopy. 1.3376 0.04033 237 176 42 19
2405 No, no, in my professional opinion I’d say what you’re experiencing is definitely a “boa constrictor”, not a bowel constriction. 1.3376 0.03989 237 175 44 18
2406 I think the bigger concern here are your cholesterol levels. 1.3376 0.03805 237 171 52 14
2407 Give it two mice a day and call me in the morning. 1.3376 0.03944 237 174 46 17
2408 So how long has your python had this separation anxiety disorder? 1.3375 0.03954 240 177 45 18
2409 I can tell you right now that your blood pressure is too high. 1.3375 0.03998 240 178 43 19
2410 Look on the bright side - it's much cheaper than the gastric bypass, the copay is just a few rats. 1.3375 0.03864 240 175 49 16
2411 Well, at least you're not wrapped up in yourself anymore. 1.3374 0.04005 243 181 42 20
2412 Pythons are the #1 Doctor Recommended emotional support animal thanks to their incomparable hugs. 1.3374 0.03919 243 179 46 18
2413 I’m confused. You went to a vet first and you consider me a second opinion? 1.3374 0.03799 246 179 51 16
2414 I guess I shouldn't ask you to step on the scales. 1.3374 0.03620 246 175 59 12
2415 So shortness of breath is your chief complaint? 1.3374 0.03886 246 181 47 18
2416 Monty Python? 1.3374 0.03843 246 180 49 17
2417 On a negative note, you have Stage 4 herpatitis. 1.3373 0.03895 249 184 46 19
2418 I can squeeze you in for a follow up tomorrow. 1.3373 0.03768 249 181 52 16
2419 So, troubles breathing huh? 1.3373 0.03853 249 183 48 18
2420 You'll have to sign this before we can proceed. 1.3373 0.04017 249 187 40 22
2421 Sit here for a few minutes and unwind. 1.3373 0.03707 255 185 54 16
2422 Your boa is in surprisingly good shape for not having eaten in a month. 1.3373 0.03665 255 184 56 15
2423 I take it the snake oil isn't helping? 1.3373 0.03665 255 184 56 15
2424 The surgeon who specializes in python removal can squeeze you in next Thursday. 1.3372 0.03422 258 181 67 10
2425 Yeah, I've seen this before. It's a biblical thing. 1.3372 0.03798 258 190 49 19
2426 Just out of curiosity, how long have you had that lisp? 1.3372 0.03798 258 190 49 19
2427 Maybe you should try a turtleneck. 1.3372 0.03921 261 196 42 23
2428 So, aside from that, how was your trip up the Amazon? 1.3372 0.03648 261 189 56 16
2429 I'm sorry ,Boas and Anacodas are covered, but your plan has a rider on Pythons. 1.3371 0.03620 264 191 57 16
2430 So tell me...are you sexually active? 1.3371 0.03889 264 198 43 23
2431 I've got some good news and bad news for you. First the good news. You don't have intestinal parasites 1.3371 0.03540 264 189 61 14
2432 There's nothing in the lab results to explain your shortness of breath. 1.3369 0.03703 279 207 50 22
2433 Unfortunately, your policy only covers Burmese pythons - try southeast Asia next summer instead of Florida. 1.3364 0.04183 214 158 40 16
2434 How severe is your pain on a scale of 1 to 2,500? 1.3364 0.03985 217 157 47 13
2435 I need to know if you bit the apple 1.3364 0.04252 220 165 36 19
2436 I'm optimistic. Last week you said 'oh, gee, it's up to my knee,' and I'm not hearing any knee complaints today. 1.3364 0.04052 220 161 44 15
2437 You Need Cobra not Python Insurance 1.3364 0.04252 220 165 36 19
2438 Annnnnd, what seems to be the problem? 1.3363 0.03964 223 162 47 14
2439 Take a couple of these every night, John: they'll help you unwind... 1.3363 0.04258 223 168 35 20
2440 Your blood pressure is off the charts. 1.3363 0.03860 223 160 51 12
2441 I am afraid I cannot find a billing code for this issue. Sorry, but you will have to pay for this visit out of pocket. 1.3363 0.04211 223 167 37 19
2442 And you say this was a Valentines day gift from your wife? 1.3362 0.04047 232 172 42 18
2443 Are you feeling a tightness in your chest? 1.3362 0.03858 232 168 50 14
2444 So, this says you’ve been experiencing shortness of breath... 1.3362 0.03777 235 169 53 13
2445 ...and how long have you been feeling constricted? 1.3362 0.03965 235 173 45 17
2446 So when did you start having chest pain? 1.3362 0.03965 235 173 45 17
2447 Sorry, sir, I was talking to the python. He seems to have better coverage. 1.3361 0.03697 238 170 56 12
2448 I suggested you go on a restrictive diet, not a constrictor diet. 1.3361 0.03930 238 175 46 17
2449 Yes, there is a reason that you can’t raise your arms. 1.3361 0.03745 238 171 54 13
2450 Honestly Bill, aren't you getting a little too defensive about having your prostate examined? 1.3361 0.03930 238 175 46 17
2451 Low oxygen, rapid weight gain . . . we'll need to run a few more tests. 1.3361 0.03851 241 176 49 16
2452 It may take a week or two, but you've just got to unwind. 1.3361 0.03862 244 179 48 17
2453 Well, this certainly explains the tightness in your chest you called us about. 1.3361 0.03774 244 177 52 15
2454 I won't know what's causing your chest pain until I order some lab work. 1.3361 0.03906 244 180 46 18
2455 So - your difficulty breathing. Is it all the time, or does it come and go? 1.3361 0.03949 244 181 44 19
2456 I'm writing you a prescription to ease your constriction. 1.3361 0.03991 244 182 42 20
2457 Well, we'll rule out COPD. 1.3361 0.03818 244 178 50 16
2458 A course of antiboa-otics should clear this right up. 1.3360 0.03698 247 178 55 14
2459 That's nothing. Wait until you get my bill. 1.3360 0.03654 247 177 57 13
2460 For insurance purposes, are you one or two patients? 1.3360 0.04004 250 188 40 22
2461 As a precaution, I’m prescribing a potent laxative for the snake. 1.3360 0.03881 250 185 46 19
2462 You took the subway? 1.3360 0.03712 250 181 54 15
2463 On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 be the mildest and 10 being the most crushing, how would you rate the constriction? 1.3360 0.03624 250 179 58 13
2464 And when did the shortness of breath start? 1.3360 0.03808 253 186 49 18
2465 Yes, it's like compression socks. 1.3360 0.03552 253 180 61 12
2466 I want you to switch to a Paleo Diet and avoid the fruit of a certain tree. 1.3360 0.03929 253 189 43 21
2467 I'm going to prescribe you some snake oil. 1.3360 0.03849 253 187 47 19
2468 Boris here will be your therapy pet. 1.3359 0.03653 256 185 56 15
2469 I see here that your blood pressure is up a little today. 1.3359 0.03653 256 185 56 15
2470 When did you first notice this shortness of breath? 1.3359 0.03677 262 191 54 17
2471 I'm concerned about your circulation. 1.3359 0.03596 262 189 58 15
2472 Chest tightness, shortness of breath.. It might be just stress. 1.3358 0.03839 265 198 45 22
2473 I can hear a rattling in your chest. We need to get that checked out. 1.3358 0.03726 265 195 51 19
2474 Apparently your diet is not the cause of your high blood pressure. 1.3358 0.03620 268 195 56 17
2475 The tightness in your chest could be caused by any number of things, Mr. Albers. We’ll have to run a few tests. 1.3358 0.03845 268 201 44 23
2476 Has your constriction lasted for more than four hours? 1.3357 0.03586 280 205 56 19
2477 Unfortuntely we can't do anything until its bitten you 1.3350 0.04126 206 150 43 13
2478 Your date of birth here says sixth day, but no month or year. Why is that? 1.3349 0.04127 218 161 41 16
2479 The good news is your snake will be just fine.” 1.3349 0.04023 218 159 45 14
2480 Well...I'll tell ya, it sure is a shame that we didn't detect this earlier... 1.3348 0.03881 221 159 50 12
2481 When did you first notice the hissing sound? 1.3348 0.03796 233 168 52 13
2482 In my experience, your shortness of breath is probably asthma, but let's see what the tests say... 1.3348 0.03986 233 172 44 17
2483 Trust me, after a few weeks you’ll wonder how you ever got along without it. 1.3348 0.03892 233 170 48 15
2484 Any symptoms other than tightness in your chest? 1.3347 0.03905 236 173 47 16
2485 Sorry for the long wait, I see your insurance is in order... What seems to be the problem? 1.3347 0.04041 236 176 41 19
2486 Next time specifically ask for a feather boa. 1.3347 0.03871 239 175 48 16
2487 Well, we've gotten results back from the lab, and I'm happy to report that the tightness in your chest is not the result of a heart attack. 1.3347 0.03732 239 172 54 13
2488 Doctor, it's not me. I'm here for the snake. 1.3347 0.03916 239 176 46 17
2489 So...your insurance company wants to know if this is a pre-existing condition 1.3347 0.04019 245 184 40 21
2490 Actually, it's not covered by anyone's insurance. 1.3347 0.03935 245 182 44 19
2491 You're fine, but the snake has a skin condition. 1.3347 0.03943 248 185 43 20
2492 The good news is that the tightness in your chest is not attributable to cardiac health. 1.3347 0.03773 248 181 51 16
2493 Do you have any other partners 1.3347 0.03901 248 184 45 19
2494 Tell me what seems to be the problem? 1.3347 0.03943 248 185 43 20
2495 Here's a doctor's order for your service animal. 1.3347 0.03859 248 183 47 18
2496 I am arranging a PET scan to see if we can determine what’s causing the tightness in your chest. 1.3347 0.03656 251 181 56 14
2497 Okay, I’m going to ask you not to take a deep breath... 1.3347 0.03656 251 181 56 14
2498 I’m sorry sir, we still have to perform a prostate exam. Standard procedure. 1.3347 0.03909 251 187 44 20
2499 So it says here, you’re suffering from shortness of breath. Would you say that is something recent? 1.3346 0.03712 254 185 53 16
2500 Your chest is a little constricted, but your blood work looks just fine. 1.3346 0.03665 263 192 54 17
2501 Shortness of breath? For how long? 1.3346 0.03743 263 194 50 19
2502 How long since the move has she been this clingy? 1.3346 0.03376 263 185 68 10
2503 Yes, I suppose we could use a blood pressure cuff instead. 1.3346 0.03625 263 191 56 16
2504 You have one of the worst cases of coilitis I’ve ever seen 1.3346 0.03936 266 202 39 25
2505 On the plus side, it looks like your blood sugar is finally under control 1.3346 0.03685 269 198 52 19
2506 Give him two rats and call me in the morning. 1.3346 0.03685 269 198 52 19
2507 Does it hurt when you swallow? 1.3346 0.03452 269 192 64 13
2508 I think I can explain the shortness of breath. 1.3345 0.03517 275 199 60 16
2509 So apparently not every apple keeps the doctor away, Adam. 1.3345 0.03876 275 209 40 26
2510 Your knee reflexes are fine. 1.3333 0.03671 258 188 54 16
2511 I meant you should go on a restricted diet, not a constricted one! 1.3333 0.03984 225 165 45 15
2512 And what seems to be your problem ? 1.3333 0.03815 231 167 51 13
2513 I'm prescribing something to make you less delicious. 1.3333 0.03960 231 170 45 16
2514 This should help with the swelling, but side effects may include difficulty breathing. 1.3333 0.04191 231 175 35 21
2515 But should you unwind the python you will be full Monty. 1.3333 0.03896 252 188 44 20
2516 ...and discontinue the support animal for your back condition. 1.3333 0.04092 228 170 40 18
2517 We'll have the results of your stress test in just a minute. 1.3333 0.03719 240 173 54 13
2518 Mr. Jones, I believe we're finally beginning to understand what might be behind your unusually high blood pressure. 1.3333 0.03761 249 182 51 16
2519 It looks like PETA has blocked all the available treatments. 1.3333 0.03636 270 198 54 18
2520 The good news is we did find the tail... 1.3333 0.03730 252 184 52 16
2521 Fortunately your insurance pays for wraparound services. 1.3333 0.03864 231 168 49 14
2522 Good morning Mr. Pivnick, what brings you in today? 1.3333 0.04008 231 171 43 17
2523 Sorry, this is the best colonoscopy procedure we can do with your medical insurance 1.3333 0.03909 258 194 42 22
2524 This is what keeps dermatology interesting. 1.3333 0.03803 249 183 49 17
2525 Sorry, all our herpetologists are out of network. 1.3333 0.03982 237 176 43 18
2526 Chest pressure yes, but I’m pretty sure it’s not a heart attack! 1.3333 0.03878 234 171 48 15
2527 I'm putting you on anti-constrictor medication. 1.3333 0.04045 228 169 42 17
2528 I’m prescribing you this emotional support animal for your anxiety issues. 1.3333 0.03692 264 194 52 18
2529 And, you say you’re having trouble breathing, correct? 1.3333 0.03823 255 189 47 19
2530 So you’re trying to leave her because she’s smothering you? 1.3333 0.04045 228 169 42 17
2531 So tell me, where does it hurt? 1.3333 0.03844 237 173 49 15
2532 Strip down to your gerbils. 1.3333 0.03896 252 188 44 20
2533 I'm going to recommend charm school. 1.3333 0.04026 237 177 41 19
2534 Looks like you’ve been too charming for your own good. 1.3333 0.03846 249 184 47 18
2535 Let's see if we can't shuffle off this mortal coil, eh? 1.3333 0.03883 264 199 42 23
2536 They say they won't cover this because it's a pre-existing condition. 1.3333 0.03845 264 198 44 22
2537 We feel its entirely allegorical. 1.3333 0.03970 222 162 46 14
2538 Trust me--next best thing to a laxative. 1.3333 0.04026 237 177 41 19
2539 Get rid of the apple tree. 1.3333 0.03814 252 186 48 18
2540 As a rescue boa, you have to expect this kind of thing. Here's a Rx for a muscle relaxant. 1.3333 0.03823 255 189 47 19
2541 The nurse said you are having trouble breathing? 1.3333 0.03644 252 182 56 14
2542 Is there any history of this happening in your family? 1.3333 0.03766 240 174 52 14
2543 So he was in your neighbor's apple tree? 1.3333 0.03823 255 189 47 19
2544 I'm going have to refer you to a herpetologist. 1.3333 0.03782 234 169 52 13
2545 And this was after Eve bit the apple? 1.3333 0.03784 270 202 46 22
2546 I don't care how constipated you are. Stop taking medical advice from Goop. 1.3333 0.03963 246 184 42 20
2547 Possible side effects include tightness,faintness,claustrophobia,hysteria,loss of blood flow,immobility,neck strain,over-heating,and the sneaking suspicion you belong in a zoo. 1.3333 0.03704 246 178 54 14
2548 Look, everyone has excuses for high blood pressure, I’m still recommending lowering your sodium intake. 1.3333 0.03702 237 170 55 12
2549 Is the tightness just in your chest? 1.3333 0.03921 246 183 44 19
2550 Okay, I see the problem. You can get dressed. 1.3333 0.03658 246 177 56 13
2551 So, tingling in the feet can have many root causes... 1.3333 0.03642 261 190 55 16
2552 Well, we first met on Slithr. 1.3333 0.04208 204 150 40 14
2553 I'm pretty sure it is not an allergy. 1.3333 0.03984 225 165 45 15
2554 Well, the snake is in-network, but the antivenin is out of network. 1.3333 0.04131 225 168 39 18
2555 The good news is that this should shed off in about 6 months. 1.3333 0.03919 222 161 48 13
2556 The nurse screamed something about a tightness in your chest so I'm ordering an EKG to help us figure out what might be causing that. 1.3333 0.03761 261 193 49 19
2557 I see you're over 50. I'm recommending a colonoscopy. 1.3321 0.03670 262 192 53 17
2558 Can you please be more specific when you describe feeling a "tightness around your chest"? 1.3321 0.03710 262 193 51 18
2559 Your wife called and asked if you could pick up a few apples on the way home. 1.3320 0.03740 259 191 50 18
2560 What we are dealing with here is a strong case of separation anxiety. 1.3320 0.03779 259 192 48 19
2561 I'm going to refer you to a very good anaconda man I know. 1.3320 0.03770 256 189 49 18
2562 You do have a COBRA from you last job, but I'm afraid there is no python benefit. 1.3320 0.03883 253 189 44 20
2563 I'm sorry sir, we only deal with first world problems here. 1.3320 0.03759 253 186 50 17
2564 Just because it doesn’t have feathers doesn’t mean you’re not gay. 1.3320 0.03997 250 189 39 22
2565 You're blood pressure is abnormally high. 1.3320 0.03791 250 184 49 17
2566 The Good news is the snake is in perfect health. 1.3320 0.03748 250 183 51 16
2567 ...Loss of appetite, shortness of breath, tightness in your chest. I'm going to refer you to one of our resident charmers. 1.3320 0.04032 247 187 38 22
2568 Lucky for you, this is the only affliction Snake Oil cures. 1.3320 0.03865 247 183 46 18
2569 Generally when they wrap themselves around you like this, it's something other than a show of affection. 1.3320 0.03941 244 182 43 19
2570 I am referring you to Dr. Patel, down the hall. If he has his instrument, a pungi, he will charm that snake from you in two minutes. 1.3320 0.03676 244 176 55 13
2571 For now, you are restricted from physical activity...well, constricted. 1.3320 0.03766 244 178 51 15
2572 The good news is you're on the outside of it. 1.3320 0.04019 241 181 40 20
2573 Good news? You look dashing in a boa. Bad news? It will be hungry soon.” 1.3320 0.03932 241 179 44 18
2574 Well, WebMD is no doctor. 1.3320 0.03563 241 171 60 10
2575 I'm prescribing a steroid cream for the scaly skin. 1.3320 0.03612 241 172 58 11
2576 Those YouTube challenges keeps getting weirder 1.3320 0.03798 241 176 50 15
2577 You’ve got to learn to unwind. 1.3319 0.03967 238 177 43 18
2578 It gives a much more accurate reading of your blood pressure. 1.3319 0.03877 238 175 47 16
2579 Has it been more than four hours? 1.3319 0.03967 238 177 43 18
2580 If it's any consolation, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. 1.3319 0.03957 235 174 44 17
2581 You just need a dose of antihisstamines. 1.3319 0.04176 232 176 35 21
2582 Your snake is in great health -- but I think it's about time you saw an MD. 1.3319 0.04030 229 170 42 17
2583 I’m going to pull it’s tail. Your legs will either spin like a top or your head will pop like a cherry. 1.3319 0.03933 229 168 46 15
2584 I checked and neither your primary nor your secondary covers this. 1.3319 0.04170 229 173 36 20
2585 Frankly I don't think your problem is asthma. 1.3319 0.03933 229 168 46 15
2586 I see you’re fully covered, but unfortunately your snake is not. 1.3319 0.03835 229 166 50 13
2587 This should reduce your swelling. 1.3319 0.03869 226 164 49 13
2588 My wife has a similar handbag 1.3318 0.04134 217 161 40 16
2589 I see here you’re complaining of difficulty swallowing, a tightness in you chest and a compacted bowel... anything else 1.3318 0.04286 217 164 34 19
2590 Uh huh, and have your contractions increased since your last visit? 1.3318 0.04030 217 159 44 14
2591 So, when did you first notice the contractions? 1.3318 0.04279 214 161 35 18
2592 Trust me. It'll do wonders for your back pain. 1.3309 0.03333 278 198 68 12
2593 I just need you to fill out this form and then the doctor can see you. 1.3309 0.03695 275 205 49 21
2594 Mr. Ralston, I'm confident you have what we used to call grippe 1.3308 0.03578 263 191 57 15
2595 Just feed it three mice daily and you'll be just fine See you in a year. 1.3308 0.03564 260 188 58 14
2596 Well we're out of rodents so let's give the clarinet a try. 1.3308 0.03845 260 195 44 21
2597 This is not what I meant when I suggested you constrict your activity. 1.3307 0.03788 254 188 48 18
2598 The good news: We’ve killed your tapeworm. 1.3307 0.03533 254 182 60 12
2599 Your cholesterol is ok but your pressure is through the roof! 1.3307 0.03983 251 190 39 22
2600 Do you feel out of breath when you go up stairs? 1.3307 0.03983 251 190 39 22
2601 How long have you been feeling constricted? 1.3307 0.03692 251 183 53 15
2602 I can see that you are feeling a bit constricted. 1.3306 0.03852 248 184 46 18
2603 ...and his name is Monty, you say? 1.3306 0.03678 248 180 54 14
2604 There is nothing I can do until you sign this consent form. 1.3306 0.03809 248 183 48 17
2605 And you say Eve ate the whole apple. 1.3306 0.03885 245 182 45 18
2606 Are you currently feeling any discomfort? 1.3306 0.03919 242 180 44 18
2607 The herpetologist can see you a week from Thursday."You OK with that 1.3306 0.03919 242 180 44 18
2608 ‘My prescription for you...Get out of Florida immediately.” 1.3306 0.03962 242 181 42 19
2609 I have some good news regarding your scoliosis. 1.3306 0.03739 242 176 52 14
2610 I'm admitting the snake to the hospital. You just have to go along. 1.3306 0.03785 242 177 50 15
2611 So...it says here you feel a tightness in your chest? 1.3306 0.03830 242 178 48 16
2612 I have your test results. It’s not a goiter.” 1.3305 0.03771 239 174 51 14
2613 On the plus side, all of your vitals look good... 1.3305 0.04033 236 177 40 19
2614 Sorry, your health plan doesn't cover pre-existing conditions. 1.3305 0.04033 236 177 40 19
2615 Apparently not all pets lower your blood pressure. 1.3305 0.03932 233 172 45 16
2616 I think that we might have figured out what is causing the tightness in your chest. 1.3305 0.03836 233 170 49 14
2617 Tightness in chest...any other symptoms? 1.3304 0.03870 230 168 48 14
2618 Your blood pressure is a little high. Are you exercising 1.3304 0.04015 230 171 42 17
2619 You need to unwind. Literally. 1.3304 0.03919 230 169 46 15
2620 Is there a reason you didn't come in earlier? 1.3304 0.04147 227 171 37 19
2621 Well, yes, that constricted feeling in the chest is a common symptom of a panic attack. However, it could also be caused by your pet snake. 1.3304 0.04052 227 169 41 17
2622 I reccomend three aspirin and eight live rats daily. 1.3304 0.03804 227 164 51 12
2623 When did this relationship start, and why do you think she's become so possessive? 1.3304 0.04052 227 169 41 17
2624 And are you feeling any shortness of breath? 1.3304 0.03940 224 164 46 14
2625 Now, let's talk about that so-called 'companion animal' of yours. 1.3304 0.03889 224 163 48 13
2626 Whatever you do, don't exhale. 1.3303 0.03872 221 160 49 12
2627 Have you tried gyrating counter clockwise? 1.3303 0.03818 221 159 51 11
2628 We'll get your blood pressure down one way or another. 1.3302 0.03998 215 157 45 13
2629 ... and how long have you been feeling this tightness in your chest? 1.3302 0.04146 212 157 40 15
2630 How bad is the pain on a “scale” of 1 to 10 feet? 1.3296 0.03704 270 201 49 20
2631 Sssso, what sssseems to be the problem? 1.3295 0.03647 264 194 53 17
2632 OK...Tightness in your chest. Have you been exercising? How about alcohol consumption? Getting enough sleep? Problems at home or at work? 1.3295 0.03763 264 197 47 20
2633 Just relax and let him take your blood pressure. 1.3295 0.03763 264 197 47 20
2634 I don't know what's causing your shortness of breath. All your blood test results look fine. 1.3295 0.03763 264 197 47 20
2635 Eugene, I think we can rule out cancer. 1.3295 0.03553 261 189 58 14
2636 Aside from the tightness in your chest, are you experiencing any other symptoms? 1.3295 0.03825 258 193 45 20
2637 I think you should probably see a vet. 1.3295 0.03452 258 184 63 11
2638 I think I know what's causing your shortness of breath. 1.3295 0.03785 258 192 47 19
2639 Has he shown signs of discomfort? 1.3294 0.03608 255 185 56 14
2640 Would you say you feel.. mmh.. constricted? 1.3294 0.03856 255 191 44 20
2641 Your cholesterol is high, but it won't kill you. 1.3294 0.03856 255 191 44 20
2642 Yep, it's herpes. 1.3294 0.03936 255 193 40 22
2643 You say you first used it as a small scarf and then it grew on you? 1.3294 0.03807 252 187 47 18
2644 That feeling of a constriction and shortness of breath can be a false indicator. Let's get you downstairs for an EKG. 1.3294 0.03889 252 189 43 20
2645 Your insurance says you’re fine. 1.3294 0.03765 252 186 49 17
2646 Well It appears we can rule out Asthma 1.3294 0.03680 252 184 53 15
2647 Good news- your cholesterol is fine. 1.3293 0.03622 249 180 56 13
2648 Good news! She views the relationship as symbiotic. 1.3293 0.03666 249 181 54 14
2649 Just to be safe, let’s order another test. 1.3293 0.03922 249 187 42 20
2650 Next time I strongly suggest a feathered one. 1.3293 0.04161 246 190 31 25
2651 I'm no expert when it comes to relationships. But I think someone's got a crush on you. 1.3293 0.03696 246 179 53 14
2652 We’re short on time, so I’ll skip the good news/ bad new routine 1.3293 0.03741 246 180 51 15
2653 This is the homeopathic way to take your blood pressure 1.3293 0.03828 246 182 47 17
2654 It’s not as bad as it looks. 1.3293 0.03605 246 177 57 12
2655 Sorry to make you wait but I am up to my neck with patients today. 1.3292 0.03392 243 170 66 7
2656 With chest pain we always have to rule out a heart condition. 1.3292 0.03948 243 182 42 19
2657 I’d like to prescribe him a muscle relaxer. Any known allergies? 1.3292 0.03894 240 178 45 17
2658 So you say you've had difficulty breathing recently? 1.3292 0.03849 240 177 47 16
2659 So where do you feel the tightness? 1.3292 0.03894 240 178 45 17
2660 I have your diagnosis but it may be difficult to swallow 1.3292 0.03983 240 180 41 19
2661 Have you tried using a gentle wind instrument? 1.3291 0.04019 237 178 40 19
2662 If you’d just taken the apple, none of us would be here. 1.3291 0.03837 237 174 48 15
2663 I’m prescribing two mice a day. 1.3291 0.03790 237 173 50 14
2664 So it says here you're feeling constricted? 1.3291 0.03929 237 176 44 17
2665 I’m not sure why you’re having trouble breathing. Let’s order some tests. 1.3291 0.03974 237 177 42 18
2666 Can you tell me when the shortness of breath started? 1.3291 0.03790 237 173 50 14
2667 I'm afraid your insurance company is about to put the squeeze on you too." 1.3291 0.03790 237 173 50 14
2668 Good news, the constriction you're experiencing in your chest is not heart-related 1.3291 0.03742 237 172 52 13
2669 I am referring you to Dr. Charmer. 1.3291 0.04063 237 179 38 20
2670 Next of Kin? Eve, you say? 1.3291 0.03883 237 175 46 16
2671 Besides that, any allergies? 1.3291 0.03837 237 174 48 15
2672 Whether it's your insurance company, or this boa, you're getting squeezed either way. 1.3291 0.03774 234 170 51 13
2673 I wish I could help you with the boa constrictor, but it looks like your insurance only covers pythons. 1.3291 0.04055 234 176 39 19
2674 Your blood pressure today seems slightly elevated. 1.3291 0.03870 234 172 47 15
2675 The good news is that it looks like he already had lunch. 1.3291 0.03870 234 172 47 15
2676 I still need you to sign your insurance information form. 1.3290 0.03952 231 171 44 16
2677 Sorry. We were out of gowns. 1.3289 0.04084 228 171 39 18
2678 Surprisingly, your blood pressure is normal. 1.3289 0.03890 228 167 47 14
2679 I wanted your diet to be restrictive, not constrictive. 1.3289 0.04084 228 171 39 18
2680 I'm going to prescribe you some mice. 1.3288 0.03962 222 163 45 14
2681 I won't be able to look at that neck of yours unless you take off your boa. 1.3287 0.04244 216 163 35 18
2682 OK, I'll order some tests, but I'm not going to ask you how you had the foresight to get undressed before this happened. 1.3285 0.03737 274 206 46 22
2683 Physically, he's fine. 1.3284 0.03607 268 197 54 17
2684 It says here that you've been experiencing some tightness in your chest. 1.3283 0.03674 265 196 51 18
2685 Look, I don't know what you want from me. Your snake is in perfect health. 1.3283 0.04040 198 143 45 10
2686 It will be just a few minutes, we’re waiting for PETA to call us back so we don’t injure him. 1.3282 0.04041 259 200 33 26
2687 I'm writing a referral to a snake oil salesman._ 1.3282 0.03610 259 189 55 15
2688 I put your odds at about one serpent. 1.3282 0.03851 259 195 43 21
2689 Looks like you caught something during your recent trip to the Amazon Rain Forest 1.3281 0.03844 256 192 44 20
2690 Effects may include shortness of breath. 1.3281 0.03554 256 185 58 13