| Contest Dashboard |
Cartoon |
Top Rated caption |
The New Yorker's winner |
Finalists Announced (date of issue) |
Number of votes |
| 895 Dashboard |
 |
“Do you think death rays would be considered electronics or sporting goods?” |
|
| 777,820 |
| 894 Dashboard |
 |
“See how the nose seems to follow you?” |
|
| 878,676 |
| 893 Dashboard |
 |
“The seller isn't willing to come down.” |
|
| 1,085,745 |
| 892 Dashboard |
 |
“Yes, it's called Thesaurus, but you're not related.” |
|
| 788,251 |
| 891 Dashboard |
 |
“Sorry, only the catcher works from home.” |
|
| 928,856 |
| 890 Dashboard |
 |
“You never told me you have a sun.” |
|
| 720,369 |
| 889 Dashboard |
 |
“You say ‘flood’ like it’s a bad thing.” |
|
| 865,117 |
| 888 Dashboard |
 |
“You know, it's gonna itch like hell when it grows back.” |
|
| 672,907 |
| 887 Dashboard |
 |
“Four wishes if you listen to a timeshare presentation.” |
|
| 443,647 |
| 886 Dashboard |
 |
“You're a lifeguard, Larry. You can't keep working from home.” |
|
| 637,472 |
| 885 Dashboard |
 |
“Upset? I’m beside myself!” |
|
| 796,287 |
| 884 Dashboard |
 |
“What do you mean, 'we can do this the smooth way or the crunchy way'...?!” |
|
| 1,093,976 |
| 883 Dashboard |
 |
“Do you ever get the feeling you're wasting one of your lives?” |
|
| 786,791 |
| 882 Dashboard |
 |
“I think this calls for a discouraging word.” |
|
| 814,233 |
| 881 Dashboard |
 |
“Listen you guys, I just went through this with Eenie, Meenie, Minie and Moe.”” |
|
| 675,468 |
| 880 Dashboard |
 |
“Ticking? Actually I find your breathing more annoying.” |
|
| 737,642 |
| 879 Dashboard |
 |
“It started when Hell froze over” |
|
| 1,119,122 |
| 878 Dashboard |
 |
“Take those off! They’ll give you mistle toe.” |
|
| 777,292 |
| 877 Dashboard |
 |
“I’m having mixed emojis.” |
|
| 486,047 |
| 876 Dashboard |
 |
“The weird part is this one’s on the placebo.” |
|
| 741,955 |
| 875 Dashboard |
 |
“See, honey, it is possible . . . one bag for six months.” |
|
| 632,342 |
| 874 Dashboard |
 |
“Not as surprising as watching you pick up his poo.” |
|
| 660,003 |
| 873 Dashboard |
 |
“Congratulations. We've found millions of compatible donors.” |
|
| 669,650 |
| 872 Dashboard |
 |
“Sorry I was late. I hit every traffic light on the way here.” |
|
| 685,011 |
| 871 Dashboard |
 |
“It's vegan because I added vegans.” |
|
| 628,147 |
| 870 Dashboard |
 |
“It’s attached to the debt ceiling.” |
|
| 525,967 |
| 869 Dashboard |
 |
“Anyway, Gayle, where‘s this can of worms you said we‘d be opening?” |
|
| 650,378 |
| 868 Dashboard |
 |
“Lately, my meltdowns are coming more frequently.” |
|
| 898,827 |
| 867 Dashboard |
 |
“I heard I’m being considered for a cabinet post.” |
|
| 783,397 |
| 866 Dashboard |
 |
“Yeah, that was me. I have greenhouse gas.” |
|
| 1,042,413 |
| 865 Dashboard |
 |
“Well, in a black hole the gravitational pull is so intense that nothing, not even light, can escape. So yeah, I think your ball is gone.” |
|
| 938,655 |
| 864 Dashboard |
 |
“Maybe cut the line about following your instincts.” |
|
| 675,816 |
| 863 Dashboard |
 |
“First, let me fill you in.” |
|
| 961,488 |
| 862 Dashboard |
 |
“If you watch “Gone With the Wind” with red glasses, the South wins.” |
|
| 589,565 |
| 861 Dashboard |
 |
“Welcome to the Mild, Mild West!” |
|
| 774,086 |
| 860 Dashboard |
 |
“And I'm the dirty one?” |
|
| 724,509 |
| 859 Dashboard |
 |
“For heavens sake George, let's just split the lunch bill five ways.” |
|
| 844,180 |
| 858 Dashboard |
 |
“When I said “wait till you see these puppies,” what did you think I meant?” |
|
| 616,719 |
| 857 Dashboard |
 |
“That's nice. My husband is a carpenter too.” |
|
| 762,493 |
| 856 Dashboard |
 |
“You don’t have to say ‘excuse me’ every single time.” |
|
| 1,106,340 |
| 855 Dashboard |
 |
“I can't get a dog but you adopt a highway.” |
|
| 678,579 |
| 854 Dashboard |
 |
“Are you very satisfied, somewhat satisfied, or not at all satisfied with your pool experience?” |
|
| 764,444 |
| 853 Dashboard |
 |
“Who knew the Swiss had a navy?” |
|
| 923,719 |
| 852 Dashboard |
 |
“It's OK, as long as I don't sit on the Jalapenos.” |
|
| 840,964 |
| 851 Dashboard |
 |
“I’m here to conduct your exit interview.” |
|
| 553,475 |
| 850 Dashboard |
 |
“If you wanted me to jump, you could've just pushed me.” |
|
| 31,173 |
| 849 Dashboard |
 |
“How do I look? Yea or neigh?” |
|
| 692,898 |
| 848 Dashboard |
 |
“Look! The first Robinsons of Spring.” |
|
| 764,424 |
| 847 Dashboard |
 |
“I absolutely love what you’ve done with your air.” |
|
| 696,435 |
| 846 Dashboard |
 |
“Now I’m starting to believe the mailman’s side of the story.” |
|
| 915,320 |
| 845 Dashboard |
 |
“A mortgage I’ll approve for thee, if you can solve these riddles three.” |
|
| 689,283 |
| 844 Dashboard |
 |
“You can leave your label on.” |
|
| 630,216 |
| 843 Dashboard |
 |
“Leave the circus,” you said. “You’ll never use those skills,” you said” |
|
| 694,038 |
| 842 Dashboard |
 |
“Duck! Just kidding, watch your step.” |
|
| 585,396 |
| 841 Dashboard |
 |
“This is too easy. Let’s put them in an IKEA.” |
|
| 741,430 |
| 840 Dashboard |
 |
“The label said 'Lay flat to iron."” |
|
| 730,960 |
| 839 Dashboard |
 |
“I don't care what Satan lets his kids do.” |
|
| 574,148 |
| 838 Dashboard |
 |
“It’s a win-win. He was delicious, and now we’ve got a flashlight.” |
|
| 711,545 |
| 837 Dashboard |
 |
“I suspect vowel play” |
|
| 695,564 |
| 836 Dashboard |
 |
“You're a Holstein? Do you know the Greenblatts from Jersey City?” |
|
| 1,139,385 |
| 835 Dashboard |
 |
“Sir, this is a Whole Foods. The only payment we accept is an arm and a leg.” |
|
| 684,627 |
| 834 Dashboard |
 |
“They recommend the beef.” |
|
| 484,214 |
| 833 Dashboard |
 |
“This is the option covered by your insurance” |
|
| 809,874 |
| 832 Dashboard |
 |
“We will not negotiate with terriers.” |
|
| 559,921 |
| 831 Dashboard |
 |
“Any happily married people here tonight?” |
“Any happily married people here tonight?” |
January 2 & 9, 2023
| 1,039,647 |
| 830 Dashboard |
 |
“Well of course I’m being defensive!” |
"Well, of course I'm being defensive." |
December 19, 2022
| 540,717 |
| 829 Dashboard |
 |
“I was young and needed the money.” |
"You always think everything is about you." |
December 12, 2022
| 699,465 |
| 828 Dashboard |
 |
“They want to know if we lost a ball on the Moon in 1971?” |
“Everyone’s landing on the green but you.” |
December 5, 2022
| 594,974 |
| 827 Dashboard |
 |
“I’m from the future. Vote carefully.” |
“How do you kill your lunch with that thing?” |
November 28, 2022
| 807,973 |
| 826 Dashboard |
 |
“I love it when they wake up and ask what year this is.” |
“The patient has requested ‘Stayin’ Alive.'” |
November 21, 2022
| 745,717 |
| 825 Dashboard |
 |
“Just remember, you can be empty headed and orange and still succeed in America.” |
“Thanks for carving out a little face time.” |
November 14, 2022
| 808,863 |
| 824 Dashboard |
 |
“Looks like I caught you at the tail end of your meal.” |
“Your stomach is growling.” |
November 7, 2022
| 811,988 |
| 823 Dashboard |
 |
“Be grateful you're not in business class. They have a mime.” |
“Think of a delay between one and ten hours.” |
October 31, 2022
| 397,422 |
| 822 Dashboard |
 |
“…but the third planet was juuuuust right!” |
“Goodnight, trees, goodnight, dirt. Goodnight, human race on the earth.” |
October 24, 2022
| 687,072 |
| 821 Dashboard |
 |
“You shoulda heard the mocking birds this morning.” |
“You shoulda heard the mockingbirds this morning.” |
October 17, 2022
| 736,497 |
| 820 Dashboard |
 |
“You've got it upside down.” |
“It leaves me feeling empty.” |
October 10, 2022
| 566,410 |
| 819 Dashboard |
 |
“My wife said, "Try them on, it won't kill you. "” |
"I only knew about the moral code." |
October 3, 2022
| 804,325 |
| 818 Dashboard |
 |
“You told me to come back when I got my act together!” |
“Your downstairs neighbors sent us.” |
September 26, 2022
| 776,315 |
| 817 Dashboard |
 |
“They tell you to reach for these, but never what to do you if actually catch one.” |
“You just don’t see stars like this in the city.” |
September 19, 2022
| 564,661 |
| 816 Dashboard |
 |
“My ex-wife got most of the house.” |
“Do you mind if I bounce something off you?” |
September 12, 2022
| 845,170 |
| 815 Dashboard |
 |
“This place is known for serving local produce.” |
“Elbows on the table. Another reason I don’t like broccoli.” |
September 5, 2022
| 534,542 |
| 814 Dashboard |
 |
“It has unlimited, data, unlimited minutes, with one string attached.” |
“I haven’t heard from you since we were kids!” |
August 29, 2022
| 565,167 |
| 813 Dashboard |
 |
“Sign the treaty, I’m out of quarters.” |
“I will give you no quarter.” |
August 22, 2022
| 711,653 |
| 812 Dashboard |
 |
“Pleasing people is all I know, but you wouldn't understand.” |
“You wouldn’t understand. I need people to like me.” |
August 15, 2022
| 700,760 |
| 811 Dashboard |
 |
“I told the aquarium we''ll be working remotely from now on.” |
“A few more years, and all this will be ours.” |
August 8, 2022
| 635,882 |
| 810 Dashboard |
 |
“Once you press your floor number, he'll never forget.” |
“Actually, everybody wants to talk about it.” |
August 1, 2022
| 787,880 |
| 809 Dashboard |
 |
“Once the kids move out it'll get easier” |
“Why don’t you ever leave the house?” |
July 25, 2022
| 665,583 |
| 808 Dashboard |
 |
“Yeah, Florida was just getting too weird for us.” |
“We thought we’d try a flying object they could identify.” |
July 11 & 18, 2022
| 892,788 |
| 807 Dashboard |
 |
“We use the males as a control group - they never ask for directions.” |
“The hardest part was teaching him to use the hedge trimmers.” |
July 4, 2022
| 581,998 |
| 806 Dashboard |
 |
“The castle looked bigger on Zillow.” |
“Don’t you hate it when sand gets in your suit?” |
June 27, 2022
| 702,174 |
| 805 Dashboard |
 |
“When we were dating he climbed a skyscraper for me—now I can’t even get him to take out the garbage.” |
“I think he's been seeing the woman upstairs.” |
June 20, 2022
| 734,195 |
| 804 Dashboard |
 |
“You're home early.” |
“You really want to add a kid to all this?” |
June 13, 2022
| 656,353 |
| 803 Dashboard |
 |
“It’s like new. The previous owner preferred the box it came in.” |
“O.K., I’ll grab some crayons and get started on the paperwork.” |
June 6, 2022
| 810,305 |
| 802 Dashboard |
 |
“It was so much easier when everyone was still working from home.” |
“We usually don’t deliver above Eighty-second Street.” |
May 30, 2022
| 724,844 |
| 801 Dashboard |
 |
“What do you mean I don’t have time for another game?” |
“I thought you’d be better at the endgame.” |
May 23, 2022
| 562,261 |
| 800 Dashboard |
 |
“We're hoping to see more of him as the season goes on!” |
“Now they’ll never know who’s on first.” |
May 16, 2022
| 760,341 |
| 799 Dashboard |
 |
“..... and that's when she said, 'It's me or the cat.” |
“I thought you’d like to try it, instead of just knocking it off the counter.” |
May 9, 2022
| 1,081,898 |
| 798 Dashboard |
 |
“Sure, call Roadside Assistance. The more, the merrier.” |
“Don’t worry, you'll be running in no time.” |
April 25 & May 2
| 698,173 |
| 797 Dashboard |
 |
“Is this a Middle Age crisis?” |
“We can all hear you snoring in there, Steve.” |
April 18, 2022
| 757,281 |
| 796 Dashboard |
 |
“Turns out they only check to see if you return the shoes.” |
“Turns out they only check to see if you return the shoes.” |
April 11, 2022
| 660,223 |
| 795 Dashboard |
 |
“His last words were "I hope this goes straight to her hips."” |
“From the gentleman at the bar.” |
April 4, 2022
| 738,467 |
| 794 Dashboard |
 |
“I told you no lawyer on earth would take our case.” |
“Oh, no! They’re returning him.” |
March 28, 2022
| 683,122 |
| 793 Dashboard |
 |
“Teach a bear to shop and he will never have to fish again.” |
“No bag. Just toss it in the air. ” |
March 21, 2022
| 710,753 |
| 792 Dashboard |
 |
“It seems someone else wrote a song called "HELP"” |
“So far, it looks like no one is coming to the recital.” |
March 14, 2022
| 782,090 |
| 791 Dashboard |
 |
“I’m pretty sure I wasn’t their first choice.” |
“It’s got an indoor tree.” |
March 7, 2022
| 910,349 |
| 790 Dashboard |
 |
“You take a left at these lights. Go the the next junction. Spin around 10 times. Hit the wall. Then reverse back about 10 feet and it should be on your left.” |
“The dealer said it scored high in crash tests.” |
February 28, 2022
| 848,102 |
| 789 Dashboard |
 |
“Do you have to come in here every time I turn on the light?” |
“Do you have to come in here every time I turn on the light?” |
February 14 & 21, 2022
| 447,322 |
| 788 Dashboard |
 |
“You should have done that before you put it on.” |
"Ideal for parties with no atmosphere." |
February 7, 2022
| 815,462 |
| 787 Dashboard |
 |
“Of course I’m living in the past. Have you seen the present?!” |
“These should help me approach your father on his own level.” |
January 31, 2022
| 683,875 |
| 786 Dashboard |
 |
“This is the homework your son alleges my client ate.” |
“My client is prepared to walk.” |
January 24, 2022
| 1,076,445 |
| 785 Dashboard |
 |
“Come out with your hands up, wrists straight, fingers gently curved!” |
“Looks like somebody needs to be taught a lesson.” |
January 17, 2022
| 425,704 |
| 784 Dashboard |
 |
“George quickly realized he ordered from the wrong Amazon.” |
“Mind if I read over your shoulder? I have trouble turning pages.” |
January 3 & 10, 2022
| 1,225,039 |
| 783 Dashboard |
 |
“What makes you think he just wants you as something on the side ?” |
“And how did being left on the plate make you feel?” |
December 20, 2021
| 771,572 |
| 782 Dashboard |
 |
“I really don't need two more men in my life who never talk.” |
“Just pretend to give them your wallet.” |
December 13, 2021
| 682,543 |
| 781 Dashboard |
 |
“Where do you see yourself in five seconds?” |
“I so rarely meet a person of your calibre.” |
December 6, 2021
| 784,246 |
| 780 Dashboard |
 |
“Sink or swim is nothing. Be glad you weren't here when the corporate culture was dog eat dog.” |
“Apparently, I was mistaken. He’s not in over his head.” |
November 29, 2021
| 783,928 |
| 779 Dashboard |
 |
“I don't ask you how you squeezed into that sweater.” |
“Technically, the fish is still in the bowl.” |
November 22, 2021
| 701,175 |
| 778 Dashboard |
 |
“It’s the closest Texas would let us get to sex ed.” |
"Don't sell him short. He did solve that crossing-the-road thing." |
November 15, 2021
| 743,889 |
| 777 Dashboard |
 |
“Amazon accidentally sent two.” |
“It works fine—we’re just no longer a nuclear family.” |
November 8, 2021
| 795,026 |
| 776 Dashboard |
 |
“He hasn't proposed yet, but he did give me a written estimate.” |
“Most people only have roadside assistance.” |
November 1, 2021
| 695,826 |
| 775 Dashboard |
 |
“Can’t believe we’re opening for Genesis.” |
“Can’t believe we’re opening for Genesis.” |
October 25, 2021
| 837,648 |
| 774 Dashboard |
 |
“O, hi Carol. I didn't expect it would be an ex that marked the spot.” |
“By any chance, are you sitting on a large X?” |
October 18, 2021
| 793,193 |
| 773 Dashboard |
 |
“„.dnos ǝɥʇ ɹǝpɹo ʇ’uoᗡ„” |
“We should’ve ordered our drinks straight up.” |
October 11, 2021
| 664,281 |
| 772 Dashboard |
 |
“This isn't what I meant when I said to go towards the light.” |
“This isn’t what I meant when I said to go toward the light.” |
October 4, 2021
| 696,835 |
| 771 Dashboard |
 |
“Three more dollars and we can order a pizza.” |
“Don’t worry about it—I wasn't going to say yes anyway.” |
September 27, 2021
| 616,562 |
| 770 Dashboard |
 |
“I guess "trail lawyer" wasn't a typo after all.” |
“I guess I misunderstood when you said your legal problems were behind you.” |
September 20, 2021
| 531,879 |
| 769 Dashboard |
 |
“Trying to make it feel more like Amazon. I mean, the Amazon.” |
"His favorite book is 'A Farewell to Arms,' so don't get too close." |
September 13, 2021
| 921,031 |
| 768 Dashboard |
 |
“Don't tell me you ordered from White Castle again.” |
"Winner gets the knight." |
September 6, 2021
| 779,519 |
| 767 Dashboard |
 |
“You seem really nice - most of the guys I date are clowns.” |
“Now, if you'll just yank away the tablecloth.” |
August 30, 2021
| 768,653 |
| 766 Dashboard |
 |
“Well played, Fran. The tuba will be gone by morning.” |
“I sent my wife up an hour ago about the noise. Have you seen her?” |
August 23, 2021
| 731,238 |
| 765 Dashboard |
 |
“It was then that Marcus realized that his message in a bottle requesting beer and ice may have contained a single yet crucial typo.” |
“I know how you feel. This used to be Florida.” |
August 16, 2021
| 763,962 |
| 764 Dashboard |
 |
“If you're from Uber Eats, just sprinkle it in.” |
“I hope you’ve come to change the water.” |
August 9, 2021
| 665,368 |
| 763 Dashboard |
 |
“You can use the loaner corn dog while you wait. Can you drive a stick?” |
“So, when did the ‘check mustard’ light come on?” |
August 2, 2021
| 889,556 |
| 762 Dashboard |
 |
“First, let me bring you up to speed.” |
“We’re really looking for someone with more lab experience.” |
July 26, 2021
| 901,611 |
| 761 Dashboard |
 |
“He's the only one who can legally hand out refreshments to voters in Georgia.” |
“He says making lemonade is not an option.” |
July 12 & 19, 2021
| 926,127 |
| 760 Dashboard |
 |
“You probably meant compote.” |
“It’s curb to table.” |
July 5, 2021
| 807,956 |
| 759 Dashboard |
 |
“They call it kitsch-and-release.” |
“They call it kitsch and release.” |
June 28, 2021
| 779,033 |
| 758 Dashboard |
 |
“Honey can you close the door? I’m in a meeting.” |
“Honey, can you close the door? I’m in a meeting.” |
June 21, 2021
| 566,563 |
| 757 Dashboard |
 |
“I thought partly cloudy with a chance of rage was a typo” |
“Don’t worry, it’s just a front.” |
June 14, 2021
| 742,808 |
| 756 Dashboard |
 |
“And just when I finally got comfortable in my own skin, she repainted the bedroom.” |
“So, you’re saying you didn’t miss your last two appointments?” |
June 7, 2021
| 774,284 |
| 755 Dashboard |
 |
“'Yes Robert I bought a chair. I was sick of my options being between a rock and a hard place.'” |
“If you’re so civilized, why don’t you use a coaster?” |
May 31, 2021
| 827,963 |
| 754 Dashboard |
 |
“Whoa, the new recruit went down the laundry chute.” |
“Since when did the pizza delivery guy get his own pole?” |
May 24, 2021
| 723,023 |
| 753 Dashboard |
 |
“Oh I'm sorry, maybe I'd move faster if SOMEONE didn't bite my leg off.” |
“Oh, hey, I almost didn’t recognize you outside of work.” |
May 17, 2021
| 1,116,808 |
| 752 Dashboard |
 |
“Don't give them anything. It only encourages sequels.” |
“The classics can be so intimidating.” |
May 10, 2021
| 1,141,292 |
| 751 Dashboard |
 |
“If you see a fork in the road, avoid it.” |
“I want one that snows.” |
April 26 & May 3, 2021
| 789,736 |
| 750 Dashboard |
 |
“It’s good to be back in the field. It just wasn’t the same working from home.” |
“Every night, when I try to sleep, I can’t stop thinking about work.” |
April 19, 2021
| 797,912 |
| 749 Dashboard |
 |
“4B wants you to make her husband disappear.” |
|
| 697,397 |
| 748 Dashboard |
 |
“I would prefer to go out the way we came in.” |
“Not the return to inside dining I was expecting.” |
April 5, 2021
| 895,729 |
| 747 Dashboard |
 |
“Just be glad he's not wearing his kilt today.” |
“I’m always afraid he will drop in unexpectedly.” |
March 29, 2021
| 874,526 |
| 746 Dashboard |
 |
“I forgot what I came upstairs for.” |
“So that’s where all the furniture went.” |
March 22, 2021
| 1,124,620 |
| 745 Dashboard |
 |
“We probably should have done something about this last year when it was still three blocks away.” |
“I told you we should have salted the roads.” |
March 15, 2021
| 997,609 |
| 744 Dashboard |
 |
“Your going as a satellite dish? I'm going as a pilgrim.” |
“I could never pull that off.” |
March 8, 2021
| 1,110,562 |
| 743 Dashboard |
 |
“I’ve changed my mind. I love it.” |
“Still not level.” |
March 1, 2021
| 1,140,034 |
| 742 Dashboard |
 |
“Sir, this is the Met. The Mets are down the street.” |
“That’s a rare medium. Well done.” |
February 15 & 22, 2021
| 669,427 |
| 741 Dashboard |
 |
“Don’t be fooled. He has a dark side.” |
“I think it’s just a phase.” |
February 8, 2021
| 676,978 |
| 740 Dashboard |
 |
“I hope she doesn't say "charge"” |
“You were right—putting him on commission changed his attitude.” |
February 1, 2021
| 1,017,304 |
| 739 Dashboard |
 |
“Of course we wanted a son. But we also wanted unconditional love.” |
“Once tax season is over, you can go back to being the only child.” |
January 25, 2020
| 949,488 |
| 738 Dashboard |
 |
“Just to mess with him put them back on the tree.” |
“Can’t wait to see the look on his face when we put these back on the tree.” |
January 18, 2021
| 939,433 |
| 737 Dashboard |
 |
“I thought you said the cloud was secure.” |
“I thought you said the cloud was secure.” |
January 4 & 11, 2021
| 843,580 |
| 736 Dashboard |
 |
“You can advocate for wind power all you want, Randy, but you’re not going to escape your fossil fuel destiny.” |
“Your meal came with a toy?” |
December 21, 2020
| 869,589 |
| 735 Dashboard |
 |
“It always ends in tiers......” |
“I can keep it together during the ceremony. The reception is where I fall to pieces.” |
December 14, 2020
| 673,778 |
| 734 Dashboard |
 |
“This your last chance to come clean.” |
“Stop fighting it, kid—everyone eventually sings in the shower.” |
December 7, 2020
| 840,412 |
| 733 Dashboard |
 |
“It seems you promised them herd immunity, Sir.” |
"It seems you promised them herd immunity, sir." |
November 30, 2020
| 1,169,444 |
| 732 Dashboard |
 |
“It's true, your honor. I slept with the witness.” |
“Where were you between the hours of beddy-bye and nighty-night?” |
November 23, 2020
| 945,258 |
| 731 Dashboard |
 |
“With all due respect, Helen, you’re gonna find crappy men in China, too” |
“During next week’s session, we’ll have you paint yourself into a corner.” |
November 16, 2020
| 669,413 |
| 730 Dashboard |
 |
“I'm the only one commenting on your name, Dr. Katz?” |
“And, when you get hungry, the cafeteria is to your right, left, left, right, left, straight, right, straight, left, and then you push on the big lever.” |
November 9, 2020
| 55,362 |
| 729 Dashboard |
 |
“We can’t be overthrown, but we can be swayed.” |
“We can’t be overthrown, but we can be swayed.” |
November 2, 2020
| 902,767 |
| 728 Dashboard |
 |
“Okay, okay. Fine, I'll fill out the census.” |
“Thank you for agreeing to meet remotely.” |
October 26, 2020
| 925,799 |
| 727 Dashboard |
 |
“It's the closest you'll get to Manhattan in your price range.” |
“It’s the closest you’ll get to Manhattan in your price range.” |
October 19, 2020
| 921,025 |
| 726 Dashboard |
 |
“Once they choose their queen, honey, it’s really hard to change their minds.” |
“To be fair, Martha, you did just kill one of their kids.” |
October 12, 2020
| 978,388 |
| 725 Dashboard |
 |
“Wait, dad! Your glasses!” |
“I’m just saying, after this haircut, it’s difficult to trust you.” |
October 5, 2020
| 1,039,526 |
| 724 Dashboard |
 |
“"MEET ??". I heard "EAT".” |
“To Archaeopteryx, spelled just like it sounds.” |
September 28, 2020
| 999,215 |
| 723 Dashboard |
 |
“Less woofer?” |
“We should be able to finish the album today, as long as no one rings the doorbell.” |
September 21, 2020
| 1,325,805 |
| 722 Dashboard |
 |
“This is the only house I could find under a grand.” |
“The piano's in tune, but the house is a little flat.” |
September 14, 2020
| 1,490,136 |
| 721 Dashboard |
 |
“I can still vote by mail,you know.” |
“I’m starting to regret that haircut.” |
September 7, 2020
| 818,486 |
| 720 Dashboard |
 |
“I changed my mind. It would look better on the other side.” |
“Do you struggle endlessly through here often?” |
August 31, 2020
| 1,123,201 |
| 719 Dashboard |
 |
“Ignore the ‘Whites Only’ sign.” |
“Between you and me, the owner can’t unload this fast enough.” |
August 24, 2020
| 1,020,554 |
| 718 Dashboard |
 |
“I don't think 'dressage' means what you think it means.” |
“I don’t need your approval. I just need you to tie the laces.” |
August 17, 2020
| 1,929,624 |
| 717 Dashboard |
 |
“Well, at least up here we only have to feed it.” |
“I know it’s not an elephant, but we still need to talk about it.” |
August 3, 2020
| 1,035,579 |
| 716 Dashboard |
 |
“Could we have outstayed our welcome?” |
“He could have just written his name on his yogurt.” |
July 27, 2020
| 261,717 |
| 715 Dashboard |
 |
“The recipe said 'One egg, beaten.' I was lucky to get out alive.” |
“And then I find out all the king’s horses and all the king’s men are out-of-network.” |
July 20, 2020
| 2,012,461 |
| 714 Dashboard |
 |
“At that moment Willow was consumed with three thoughts: she couldn't swim,they were on their third drink,and she was on her ninth life.” |
“You’re right. It is easier with the ball.” |
July 6 & 13, 2020
| 870,375 |
| 713 Dashboard |
 |
“...there's yer problem! ya gotta short circus!” |
“I found something serious under the hood.” |
June 29, 2020
| 1,059,045 |
| 712 Dashboard |
 |
“So...we had a bad 1st quarter. It’s not the end of the world.” |
“Tell me about a time you identified a problem that others didn’t see coming.” |
June 22, 2020
| 1,489,228 |
| 711 Dashboard |
 |
“Yes, it's a home game. Of course it's a home game. Everything's a fricking home game.” |
“All his pitches have been inside.” |
June 8 & 15, 2020
| 1,053,338 |
| 710 Dashboard |
 |
“Remember when he was just a humming bird?” |
“I can usually identify a bird by the song, but I think he’s doing a cover.” |
June 1, 2020
| 1,550,011 |
| 709 Dashboard |
 |
“You might want to try the stairs. This one only goes down and takes an eternity.” |
“Try the stairs. This takes an eternity.” |
May 25, 2020
| 1,458,079 |
| 708 Dashboard |
 |
“A better question is, why aren't YOU wearing a mask?” |
“Fine—next time you slay the dragon and I'll cook.” |
May 18, 2020
| 1,452,344 |
| 707 Dashboard |
 |
“This was easier to carry when it was flat.” |
“Next week, I'll move Heaven for you.” |
May 11, 2020
| 1,376,223 |
| 706 Dashboard |
 |
“Well,I know what Duke Ellington would do.” |
“Of course—we wait forever, then two come at the same time.” |
May 4, 2020
| 1,079,547 |
| 705 Dashboard |
 |
“Tall salted caramel macchiato with low-fat organic almond milk, no sugar… It’s him alright.” |
“Decaf. They can’t be far away.” |
April 27, 2020
| 1,246,918 |
| 704 Dashboard |
 |
“Forget everything you've ever thought about elevator music.” |
“No, you come in on four.” |
April 20, 2020
| 1,076,611 |
| 703 Dashboard |
 |
“We have them between all tables, it encourages social distancing.” |
“Past the alligator, through the ring of fire, first door on your left.” |
April 13, 2020
| 973,712 |
| 702 Dashboard |
 |
“You asked if I wanted product in my hair...and I said a smidgeon...a smidgeon, Ralph.” |
“Could you trim the sides but leave it feathered on top?” |
April 6, 2020
| 883,343 |
| 701 Dashboard |
 |
“I just want to make sure 'mousse' isn't a typo.” |
“I know I don’t look familiar, but, believe me, I eat here all the time.” |
March 30, 2020
| 1,083,114 |
| 700 Dashboard |
 |
“Looks like you're already familiar with the side effects.” |
“Looks like you’re already familiar with the side effects.” |
March 23, 2020
| 939,103 |
| 699 Dashboard |
 |
“Two of you have underlying issues.” |
“And how do you feel about how she feels about how he feels?” |
March 16, 2020
| 1,192,068 |
| 698 Dashboard |
 |
“Harry, the whole point of leaving England was to blend in.” |
“Harry, the whole point of leaving England was to blend in.” |
March 9, 2020
| 987,093 |
| 697 Dashboard |
 |
“This is a lot more effective on the elevated tracks.” |
“No one crosses the Pirates of Penn Station.” |
March 2, 2020
| 1,289,041 |
| 696 Dashboard |
 |
“Best farm-to-table in town.” |
“If there’s a ring in here, Hank, I swear to God . . .” |
February 17 & 24,2020
| 1,331,920 |
| 695 Dashboard |
 |
“We have one slot left.” |
“You’re in luck. A slot for you just opened up in our kitchen.” |
February 10, 2020
| 75,949 |
| 694 Dashboard |
 |
“I didn't say I would help. I said I'd accompany you.” |
“I didn’t say I would help. I said I’d accompany you.” |
February 3, 2020
| 798,499 |
| 693 Dashboard |
 |
“Should I check, “exceeded expectations?”” |
“Let’s just give him the damn cheese.” |
January 27, 2020
| 912,523 |
| 692 Dashboard |
 |
“First day on Wall Street, sir?” |
“I'll take this and the granny dress.” |
January 20, 2020
| 827,817 |
| 691 Dashboard |
 |
“See? Now they ALL want scarves.” |
“Great, now they all want a scarf.” |
January 13, 2020
| 997,887 |
| 690 Dashboard |
 |
“3 ..2.. 1..” |
"Please watch your small step." |
January 6, 2019
| 37,165 |
| 689 Dashboard |
 |
“He’s lucky I didn’t rear end him.” |
“Yes, but just a couple of meads, probably more than an hour ago.” |
December 23, 2019
| 813,517 |
| 688 Dashboard |
 |
“It prints out his tweets. All the new uniforms have them.” |
“I was stationed at CVS during the war on drugs.” |
December 16, 2019
| 795,757 |
| 687 Dashboard |
 |
“You think this is awkward? Try living a few floors down.” |
“How much did you spend at Macy’s this year?” |
December 9, 2019
| 760,044 |
| 686 Dashboard |
 |
“Oh sure, when a MAN does it, suddenly it’s such a big deal!” |
“I don’t know how to tell him it’s not his.” |
December 02, 2019
| 1,070,506 |
| 685 Dashboard |
 |
“Stay calm. I think it just wants to be squeezed.” |
“Oh, no. I have its little one in my backpack.” |
November 25, 2019
| 904,446 |
| 684 Dashboard |
 |
“Publicly, we're still saying there are no side effects.” |
“Publicly, we’re still saying there are no side effects.” |
November 18, 2019
| 1,094,055 |
| 683 Dashboard |
 |
“They must have made a fortune from the wheel.” |
“I guarantee he brings up the whole discovering-fire thing within the first five minutes.” |
November 11, 2019
| 833,200 |
| 682 Dashboard |
 |
“I don't mind autumn so much; it's the fall I hate.” |
“It’s not you. It’s November.” |
November 4, 2019
| 1,124,181 |
| 681 Dashboard |
 |
“Mobster, Larry. The invitation said to dress like a mobster.” |
“You pinch me one more time and you’re going to find yourself in hot water.” |
October 28, 2019
| 1,117,477 |
| 680 Dashboard |
 |
“Is the salmon fresh?” |
“Well, don't put it on the menu if you can't catch one.” |
10/21/2019
| 939,369 |
| 679 Dashboard |
 |
“Supplicants, sir. You want to surround yourself with supplicants.” |
“Well, after you beheaded the groundskeeper, we had to go with something low-maintenance.” |
October 14, 2019
| 725,498 |
| 678 Dashboard |
 |
“My left or your left?” |
“I always knew we'd wind up together.” |
October 7, 2019
| 709,050 |
| 677 Dashboard |
 |
“The leftover salmon. Into my dish. You will remember nothing.” |
“The ahi. Not the canned.” |
September 30, 2019
| 692,234 |
| 676 Dashboard |
 |
“You know we could've had eggs for life, right?” |
“I don't tell you how to gather.” |
September 23, 2019
| 913,555 |
| 675 Dashboard |
 |
“Honey, be nice... he's under a lot more pressure.” |
“You two seem oddly suited.” |
September 16, 2019
| 655,786 |
| 674 Dashboard |
 |
“Let's let him keep your ball.” |
“Let's let him keep your ball.” |
September 9, 2019
| 1,150,449 |
| 673 Dashboard |
 |
“My conditioner said it would give me extra body, but I didn't expect it to be yours.” |
“For God's sake, Dave, you're thirty-five—just use the stairs.” |
September 2, 2019
| 601,565 |
| 672 Dashboard |
 |
“I take this myself. There is one side effect I should mention.” |
“Don't worry. I wouldn't prescribe anything I haven't tested on myself.” |
August 26, 2019
| 783,674 |
| 671 Dashboard |
 |
“Someone came to school with humans. Now we’ve all got them.” |
“It didn’t really bother me until they discovered fire.” |
August 19, 2019
| 1,352,586 |
| 670 Dashboard |
 |
“Armstrong? No, though I do get mistaken for Lance a lot.” |
“It started as a crusade. Now it's just a commute.” |
August 5 & 12, 2019
| 640,930 |
| 669 Dashboard |
 |
“He went right from crawling to stand-up!” |
“I love his bedtime routine.” |
July 29, 2019
| 703,078 |
| 668 Dashboard |
 |
“I’m sorry. I’ve been burned too many times.” |
“I’m sorry. I’ve been burned too many times.” |
July 22, 2019
| 796,524 |
| 667 Dashboard |
 |
“Maybe we should try thinking inside the box.” |
“Let's just go with the open floor plan.” |
July 8, 2019
| 1,117,451 |
| 666 Dashboard |
 |
“You should see the couch they have at the urologist's office.” |
“Shouldn’t you be sitting in an ear?” |
July 1, 2019
| 677,561 |
| 665 Dashboard |
 |
“Lunch is on me.” |
“How about some help carrying the groceries?” |
June 24, 2019
| 1,501,739 |
| 664 Dashboard |
 |
“I just made a guy disappear for twenty years. Can you do that?” |
"When was the last time you saw either half of her?” |
June 10, 2019
| 612,158 |
| 663 Dashboard |
 |
“Next time, when they ask you if you want any toppings, you’d better be more specific than 'Yeah, a couple.'” |
“Well, you're not what we ordered, either.” |
June 3, 2019
| 740,813 |
| 662 Dashboard |
 |
“Did you see the rock he gave her.” |
“It’s about time they settled down and razed a village.” |
May 27, 2019
| 938,191 |
| 661 Dashboard |
 |
“I am pleased to announce that Dopey will be leaving us to pursue a career as White House Chief of Staff.” |
“Workplace morale hasn't been this high since we introduced whistling.” |
May 20, 2019
| 896,509 |
| 660 Dashboard |
 |
“I’m afraid we’ve found a problem with the Crown Jewels.” |
“Worse than a cold. It's a common cold.” |
May 13, 2019
| 1,109,788 |
| 659 Dashboard |
 |
“We had a good run, Ted, but I simply don’t have the counter space.” |
“Are you here about the sublet?” |
May 6, 2019
| 1,028,025 |
| 658 Dashboard |
 |
“Do you want to go for L-U-N-C-H and maybe a W-A-L-K?” |
“We had a good run, Ted, but I simply don’t have the counter space.” |
April 29, 2019
| 993,479 |
| 657 Dashboard |
 |
“Fortunately, our time is up.” |
“Want to go for a w-a-l-k?” |
April 22, 2019
| 1,528,352 |
| 656 Dashboard |
 |
“How do you respond to allegations that you're bipolar?” |
“He gets so dramatic when I lower the thermostat.” |
April 15, 2019
| 769,984 |
| 655 Dashboard |
 |
“How do you respond to allegations that you're bipolar?” |
“Who is ‘coming around the mountain,’ John? Could it be your mother?” |
April 8, 2019
| 758,127 |
| 654 Dashboard |
 |
“Cancel the molten lava cake.” |
“I guarantee in twelve hours we'll see a completely different side of my opponent.” |
April 1, 2019
| 1,286,972 |
| 653 Dashboard |
 |
“Meet Trump's nominee for the Centers for Disease Control.” |
“Before you go, describe the iceberg salad.” |
March 25, 2019
| 1,034,443 |
| 652 Dashboard |
 |
“I wish we'd noticed that before eating Bob.” |
“Tell them what happened in the lab, Harry.” |
March 18, 2019
| 1,454,910 |
| 651 Dashboard |
 |
“No need to panic: a reptile dysfunction is common for men of your age.” |
“I wish we’d seen that before we ate Dave.” |
March 11, 2019
| 2,249,813 |
| 650 Dashboard |
 |
“I wish you’d come in when it was just a chip on your shoulder.” |
“Any tightness or difficulty breathing?” |
March 4, 2019
| 1,040,362 |
| 649 Dashboard |
 |
“I said, 'Not in my backyard,' and they said, 'Ok, have it your way."” |
“We'll pick this up next week.” |
February 18 & 25
| 1,197,306 |
| 648 Dashboard |
 |
“This is the exact moment Susan realized she may be an accomplice and not a magician's assistant...” |
“It all started when we adopted a highway.” |
February 11, 2019
| 708,793 |
| 647 Dashboard |
 |
“Like it would have killed you to ask him for directions.” |
“Watch as I transform this ordinary magician's assistant into an accomplice to a federal crime.” |
February 4, 2019
| 1,690,546 |
| 646 Dashboard |
 |
“Like it would have killed you to ask him for directions.” |
“I choose to remember Aspen as it was.” |
January 28, 2019
| 1,626,322 |
| 645 Dashboard |
 |
“If we time it right, I can get you in this house today.” |
“Don’t bring a camera, you said. Just enjoy the experience, you said.” |
January 21, 2019
| 982,979 |
| 644 Dashboard |
 |
“My next selection sounds just like the last one.” |
“If we time it right, I can get you in this house today.” |
January 14, 2019
| 1,629,394 |
| 643 Dashboard |
 |
“My next selection sounds just like the last one.” |
“And now—I've got an old score to settle.” |
January 7, 2019
| 1,185,450 |
| 642 Dashboard |
 |
“Linda suddenly realized she had entered the hallucinatory phase of her low-carb diet.” |
“Vinnie would appreciate it if you reconsidered that Yelp rating.” |
December 24 & 31, 2018
| 881,547 |
| 641 Dashboard |
 |
“I'm not sure how many there are. Every time I start counting I fall asleep.” |
“I don't know how many there are. I'm trying to stay awake.” |
December 17, 2018
| 1,400,950 |
| 640 Dashboard |
 |
“Still got that new cat smell.” |
“Listen to this baby purr.” |
December 10, 2018
| 1,631,425 |
| 639 Dashboard |
 |
“Earl of Cowlick. And you are?” |
“It is I, Manbunzel.” |
November 26, 2018
| 1,063,820 |
| 638 Dashboard |
 |
“I wear the pants but my wife controls them.” |
“You must be the fellow who ordered a friend on Amazon.” |
November 19, 2018
| 882,701 |
| 637 Dashboard |
 |
“Every move you make,
Every leaf you rake,
I'll be watching you.” |
“I'm here to review the fall collection.” |
November 12, 2018
| 824,593 |
| 636 Dashboard |
 |
“Yes, we all had the potato salad. Why?” |
“I hope you’re on a break, too.” |
November 5, 2018
| 1,098,739 |
| 635 Dashboard |
 |
“I don't normally date Middle-Aged men.” |
“Well, I'm sort of between quests at the moment.” |
October 29, 2018
| 1,311,984 |
| 634 Dashboard |
 |
“He offered us a franchise, but I think it’s a pyramid scheme.” |
“I think it’s safe to assume it contains preservatives.” |
October 22, 2018
| 929,951 |
| 633 Dashboard |
 |
“The judge ordered a short recess.” |
“Sorry, kid, but this is the corporate ladder.” |
October 15, 2018
| 844,596 |
| 632 Dashboard |
 |
“I got her to open up, but now she's beside herself.” |
“Looks like an inside inside inside inside inside job.” |
October 8, 2018
| 663,855 |
| 631 Dashboard |
 |
“If I had more dough, I'd be in first class.” |
“Ideally, you want the dough to rise to about thirty-five thousand feet.” |
October 1, 2018
| 1,065,763 |
| 630 Dashboard |
 |
“Gore was right. This is inconvenient.” |
“Trust me, come low tide everyone will want these seats.” |
September 24, 2018
| 1,159,733 |
| 629 Dashboard |
 |
“In retrospect, I should have been more specific when I told the genie I wanted to be in a rock group and have women climbing all over me.” |
“I wouldn’t. It’s a toupee.” |
September 17, 2018
| 865,017 |
| 628 Dashboard |
 |
“I heard today I'm getting canned.” |
“Yeah? Well, I’m also a fish out of Scotch.” |
September 10, 2018
| 1,302,098 |
| 627 Dashboard |
 |
“I recommend the pigeon. It's locally sourced.” |
“Ignore the screams, sir. I’ll get you a new fork.” |
September 3, 2018
| 1,162,999 |
| 626 Dashboard |
 |
“About to land now, call you when I'm on the ground.” |
“I’m in the air right now—let me call you back after I land.” |
August 27, 2018
| 994,702 |
| 625 Dashboard |
 |
“No, sir, this is Fenway. You're looking for Jurassic Park.” |
“A lot has happened since your last at-bat.” |
August 20, 2018
| 1,326,529 |
| 624 Dashboard |
 |
“Of course I am happy to see you! I just need a little time to decompose myself!” |
“Please, I need time to decompose myself.” |
August 6 & 13, 2018
| 712,054 |
| 623 Dashboard |
 |
“You better hope that was rain I just felt."” |
“Sir, I don't make the laws of gravity, I just enforce them.” |
July 30, 2018
| 971,088 |
| 622 Dashboard |
 |
“To go?” |
“It sends the other rats a message.” |
July 23, 2018
| 99,592 |
| 621 Dashboard |
 |
“She’ll appreciate you’re wearing protection.” |
“It’s off the rack. The guy on the rack doesn’t need it anymore.” |
July 9th & 16th, 2018
| 1,210,323 |
| 620 Dashboard |
 |
“It's not the end of the world if he misses.” |
“Most of them have candy. This one's filled with nuts.” |
July 2nd, 2018
| 836,027 |
| 619 Dashboard |
 |
“It was a very hostile takeover.” |
“At least you didn't get the axe.” |
June 25th, 2018
| 867,527 |
| 618 Dashboard |
 |
“Strangely enough, you are the first person to ask about the clock.” |
“Well, of course they don’t exist. Now.” |
June 18th, 2018
| 1,376,577 |
| 617 Dashboard |
 |
“But before we head down... a short fire-safety video...” |
“He makes us watch this fire-safety video once a year.” |
June 4th & 11th, 2018
| 895,011 |
| 616 Dashboard |
 |
“I’ve advised my client not to talk.” |
“His words, not mine.” |
May 28th, 2018
| 663,636 |
| 615 Dashboard |
 |
“I can hear the wife now: "You caught it, you clean it."” |
"First, I set the mood." |
May 21st, 2018
| 798,876 |
| 614 Dashboard |
 |
“No, I said to play with more attitude.” |
|
| 801,294 |
| 613 Dashboard |
 |
“We are authorized to use farce, if necessary.” |
|
| 832,844 |
| 612 Dashboard |
 |
“It's a textbook case--depending on which state your textbooks are from.” |
|
| 912,652 |
| 611 Dashboard |
 |
“Believe me, I’ve tested a lot worse things when I was in pharmaceuticals.” |
|
| 1,135,917 |
| 610 Dashboard |
 |
“'Bad news. They found the proof in the pudding.'” |
|
| 1,220,029 |
| 609 Dashboard |
 |
“He really did appoint Chris Christie as Secretary of Transportation.” |
|
| 1,046,199 |
| 608 Dashboard |
 |
“The hard part was transposing from C major to Fahrenheit.” |
|
| 957,697 |
| 607 Dashboard |
 |
“My only regret is that he never got around to visiting your mother.” |
|
| 1,026,981 |
| 606 Dashboard |
 |
“As senior squeegee-man during flight simulations, moving up didn’t pan out.” |
|
| 46,951 |
| 605 Dashboard |
 |
“Son, your Mom and I want you back in the picture.” |
|
| 770,768 |
| 604 Dashboard |
 |
“Trust me. One day your portrait will be used as the symbol of a political party even more primitive than we are.” |
|
| 805,609 |
| 603 Dashboard |
 |
“We used to offer enlightenment. Then we discovered people really preferred brunch.” |
|
| 1,286,234 |
| 602 Dashboard |
 |
“The operation went well—you’re one tough cookie.” |
|
| 882,768 |
| 601 Dashboard |
 |
“I thought you said it wouldn't need much attention.” |
|
| 468,015 |
| 600 Dashboard |
 |
“Mission accomplished. We will report that this planet's inhabitants are friendly and playful.” |
|
| 757,243 |
| 599 Dashboard |
 |
“I dreamt last night that some day judges might just require a small plastic bracelet” |
|
| 511,658 |
| 598 Dashboard |
 |
“I'm the fitness guru. The wisdom guru is one mountain over.” |
|
| 347,381 |
| 597 Dashboard |
 |
“Actually, I did leave my bag unattended for a few minutes. Why?” |
|
| 818,622 |
| 596 Dashboard |
 |
“C’mon, live a little.” |
|
| 338,162 |
| 595 Dashboard |
 |
“Surprise, surprise. The new manager is a fat white guy with no pants.” |
|
| 421,560 |
| 594 Dashboard |
 |
“I remember them from last year. They must be perennials.” |
|
| 260,848 |
| 593 Dashboard |
 |
“It's not so much what she said as how she said it.” |
|
| 619,876 |
| 592 Dashboard |
 |
“Do you ever want to wring your own neck?” |
|
| 1,021,316 |
| 591 Dashboard |
 |
“My methods are Jungian. Sometimes a bar of soap *is* just a bar of soap, you know...” |
|
| 683,358 |
| 590 Dashboard |
 |
“He did my summer cave in Lascaux, too.” |
|
| 891,586 |
| 589 Dashboard |
 |
“Can I tell you about a few items that aren't on the menu?” |
|
| 628,409 |
| 588 Dashboard |
 |
“Siri, how far can a hunchback jump?” |
|
| 295,566 |
| 587 Dashboard |
 |
“I see myself in so much of his work.” |
|
| 488,546 |
| 586 Dashboard |
 |
“Of course it looks alien to you. You've never used one.” |
|
2017-10-16 (estimated)
| 480,072 |
| 585 Dashboard |
 |
“I went ahead and fixed the bagel setting, too. So with parts and labor, that actually comes out to two wishes.” |
|
2017-10-09 (estimated)
| 356,787 |
| 584 Dashboard |
 |
“Hold on, the Senate Committee on Women's Health is getting out.” |
|
2017-10-01 (estimated)
| 501,501 |
| 583 Dashboard |
 |
“So much for the suggestion box being anonymous” |
|
2017-09-25 (estimated)
| 342,411 |
| 582 Dashboard |
 |
“Yes, I see the train but I think we can beat it.” |
|
2017-09-18 (estimated)
| 196,119 |
| 581 Dashboard |
 |
“Expect a chilly reception at the circumcision symposium.” |
|
2017-09-10 (estimated)
| 203,573 |
| 580 Dashboard |
 |
“When he starts acting like a king, I'll start acting like a guard.” |
|
2017-09-03 (estimated)
| 425,835 |
| 579 Dashboard |
 |
“The truth is you came from a box of free kittens.” |
|
2017-08-27 (estimated)
| 480,412 |
| 578 Dashboard |
 |
“Just for fun, let's send it back.” |
|
2017-08-13 (estimated)
| 593,761 |
| 577 Dashboard |
 |
“We meant get a job AND move out.” |
|
2017-08-06 (estimated)
| 389,881 |
| 576 Dashboard |
 |
“Don't blow my cover. I'm in the middle of a sting operation.” |
|
2017-07-30 (estimated)
| 284,529 |
| 575 Dashboard |
 |
“Let's pick up the pace. They're billing by the hour.” |
|
2017-07-16 (estimated)
| 593,171 |
| 574 Dashboard |
 |
“I'd better give it a little longer. It's a really tough case.” |
|
2017-07-09 (estimated)
| 410,803 |
| 573 Dashboard |
 |
“It's the Heineken maneuver.” |
|
2017-07-02 (estimated)
| 366,782 |
| 572 Dashboard |
 |
“"I'll catch it", was the last I heard.” |
|
2017-06-25 (estimated)
| 218,335 |
| 571 Dashboard |
 |
“Now let's see 'em walk off with the bathroom key!” |
|
2017-06-11 (estimated)
| 363,323 |
| 570 Dashboard |
 |
“You shouldn't have opened that can of worms.” |
|
2017-06-05 (estimated)
| 303,014 |
| 569 Dashboard |
 |
“Three yea's, six ney's, and Anderson is still up in the air on this one.” |
|
2017-05-29 (estimated)
| 270,136 |
| 568 Dashboard |
 |
“Our timeshare presentation will begin in about 5 minutes.” |
|
2017-05-21 (estimated)
| 290,737 |
| 567 Dashboard |
 |
“Like you've never taken anything from a hotel room.” |
|
2017-05-14 (estimated)
| 239,829 |
| 566 Dashboard |
 |
“Well, that explains our relentless hunt for tuna.” |
|
2017-05-07 (estimated)
| 191,877 |
| 565 Dashboard |
 |
“Wow, you are literally a hot mess.” |
|
2017-05-01 (estimated)
| 148,779 |
| 564 Dashboard |
 |
“They're willing to work nights.” |
|
2017-04-24 (estimated)
| 349,268 |
| 563 Dashboard |
 |
“Listen, I've got to run.” |
|
2017-04-17 (estimated)
| 128,912 |
| 562 Dashboard |
 |
“It could work. We both like worms.” |
|
2017-04-09 (estimated)
| 176,381 |
| 561 Dashboard |
 |
“And lastly Father, I bit the mailman” |
|
2017-04-02 (estimated)
| 438,112 |
| 560 Dashboard |
 |
“That's Bob Mankoff. He used to be the cartoon editor of the New Yorker.” |
|
2017-03-26 (estimated)
| 418,917 |
| 559 Dashboard |
 |
“Poor guy. Thought he signed up for pilates.” |
|
2017-03-19 (estimated)
| 562,601 |
| 558 Dashboard |
 |
“I pictured it differently when you said you kept my room just like it was.” |
|
2017-03-12 (estimated)
| 524,297 |
| 557 Dashboard |
 |
“Well, I'll be damned...” |
|
2017-03-06 (estimated)
| 767,998 |
| 556 Dashboard |
 |
“I think I like the French maid outfit better.” |
|
2017-02-19 (estimated)
| 713,533 |
| 555 Dashboard |
 |
“I'll never let go.” |
|
2017-02-12 (estimated)
| 501,078 |
| 554 Dashboard |
 |
“You were with Ringling Brothers? I was with Lehman Brothers.” |
|
2017-02-05 (estimated)
| 928,060 |
| 553 Dashboard |
 |
“I'd like to see other people.” |
|
2017-01-29 (estimated)
| 547,090 |
| 552 Dashboard |
 |
“Long time no sea.” |
|
2017-01-22 (estimated)
| 519,548 |
| 551 Dashboard |
 |
“Row v. Wave” |
|
2017-01-15 (estimated)
| 583,185 |
| 550 Dashboard |
 |
“When I asked you to line up a meeting with the Department Chairs, this is not what I meant.” |
|
2017-01-08 (estimated)
| 463,593 |
| 549 Dashboard |
 |
“I admire your restraint.” |
|
2016-12-25 (estimated)
| 475,431 |
| 548 Dashboard |
 |
“Well, five acres of popcorn back there says you were.” |
|
2016-12-18 (estimated)
| 501,425 |
| 547 Dashboard |
 |
“You're right. No underwear.” |
|
2016-12-11 (estimated)
| 398,746 |
| 546 Dashboard |
 |
“We never should have applauded.” |
|
2016-12-04 (estimated)
| 333,116 |
| 545 Dashboard |
 |
“It's amazing to think he started out in the lobby.” |
|
2016-11-27 (estimated)
| 344,095 |
| 544 Dashboard |
 |
“Given Mr Tell's declining accuracy with his bow and arrow, we're lucky the guys don't use Apples.” |
|
2016-11-20 (estimated)
| 198,246 |
| 543 Dashboard |
 |
“I really just thought they would send me a lapel pin when I registered.” |
|
2016-11-13 (estimated)
| 450,498 |
| 542 Dashboard |
 |
“Should we tell her she's wearing two different shoes?” |
|
2016-11-06 (estimated)
| 581,602 |
| 541 Dashboard |
 |
“Let me guess...the Gym Reaper?” |
|
2016-10-30 (estimated)
| 510,944 |
| 540 Dashboard |
 |
“I know a specialist, but he's in prison.” |
|
2016-10-23 (estimated)
| 456,690 |
| 539 Dashboard |
 |
“I don't think he realizes the gravity of the situation.” |
|
2016-10-16 (estimated)
| 555,190 |
| 538 Dashboard |
 |
“I'm not a big cat person.” |
|
2016-10-09 (estimated)
| 385,675 |
| 537 Dashboard |
 |
“He said the patent expired” |
|
2016-10-02 (estimated)
| 665,537 |
| 536 Dashboard |
 |
“Sometimes a dipstick is just a dipstick.” |
|
2016-09-25 (estimated)
| 415,065 |
| 535 Dashboard |
 |
“You and your surfaris.” |
|
2016-09-18 (estimated)
| 488,929 |
| 534 Dashboard |
 |
“Looks like Sammy wins the "bring your pet to work" contest. He ate all of the other entries!” |
|
2016-09-11 (estimated)
| 425,529 |
| 533 Dashboard |
 |
“If you see something, say something.” |
|
2016-09-04 (estimated)
| 377,496 |
| 532 Dashboard |
 |
“Who's endangered now?” |
|
2016-08-28 (estimated)
| 714,986 |
| 531 Dashboard |
 |
“Let's stay in tonight. It's a zoo out there.” |
|
2016-08-14 (estimated)
| 498,337 |
| 530 Dashboard |
 |
“Your overhead is going to kill you.” |
|
2016-08-07 (estimated)
| 218,558 |
| 529 Dashboard |
 |
“Of course I understand the gravity of the situation.” |
|
2016-07-31 (estimated)
| 231,291 |
| 528 Dashboard |
 |
“Welcome to Weight Watchers!” |
|
2016-07-17 (estimated)
| 96,609 |
| 527 Dashboard |
 |
“Well, your profile pic doesn't look much like you either.” |
|
2016-07-10 (estimated)
| 237,412 |
| 526 Dashboard |
 |
“Hey! My eyes are down here.” |
|
2016-07-03 (estimated)
| 238,677 |
| 524 Dashboard |
 |
“Take the picture, dammit, take the picture!” |
|
2016-06-12 (estimated)
| 172,680 |
| 523 Dashboard |
 |
“You ordered from the wrong Amazon.” |
|
2016-06-05 (estimated)
| 249,063 |
| 522 Dashboard |
 |
“Have you tried turning it off and back on again?” |
|
2016-05-29 (estimated)
| 347,335 |
| 521 Dashboard |
 |
“Go and check if it's still raining. I'll wait here.” |
|
2016-05-22 (estimated)
| 183,912 |
| 520 Dashboard |
 |
“I have to ask, do you feel that you could be a danger to others?” |
|
2016-05-15 (estimated)
| 209,322 |
| 519 Dashboard |
 |
“He's pro-gun, but I like his stance on migration.” |
|
2016-05-08 (estimated)
| 191,935 |
| 518 Dashboard |
 |
“This saddest part is he's going in the wrong direction.” |
|
2016-05-01 (estimated)
| 248,180 |
| 517 Dashboard |
 |
“Who'd have thought they'd get you for tax evasion.” |
|
2016-04-24 (estimated)
| 59,717 |
| 516 Dashboard |
 |
“I have no concrete plans for the rest of the day.” |
|
2016-04-17 (estimated)
| 49,365 |
| 515 Dashboard |
 |
“Tell me about your childhood very quickly.” |
|
2016-04-10 (estimated)
| 47,448 |
| 514 Dashboard |
 |
“No, you grow up” |
|
2016-04-03 (estimated)
| 192,198 |
| 513 Dashboard |
 |
“I'm just saying, I can see why the 'brief'case is more popular.” |
|
2016-03-27 (estimated)
| 34,013 |
| 512 Dashboard |
 |
“We're pretentious, not ostentatious.” |
|
2016-03-21 (estimated)
| 43,120 |
| 511 Dashboard |
 |
“I'm hourly.” |
|
| 56,660 |
| 510 Dashboard |
 |
“I'm a congressman--obstruction is my job.” |
|
| 82,627 |